#i need to get back into therapy i can feel myself ruminating and breaking down | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ruminate88 · 3 months

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Ranting on this “healing journal” 😑❤️‍🩹

Everywhere I turn it screams “you need therapy” and I KNOW that’s not gonna happen. My family won’t understand it and they’ll say I’m fine. My husband won’t understand at all maybe I’m wrong but he stresses about money but not as bad as my exes and my husband doesn’t withhold me from my needs but he does stress about money. He was stressing that my tooth getting pulled yesterday was so expensive BUT he still let me go through with it and made sure I got my medicine afterwards. (Although I felt bad about it)

I have tried to express before to my husband before I don’t want ANY MORE STRESS. Andrew dumped so much stress on me and put me in a constant “emotionally anxious and draining” state of mind. I was constantly being disappointed at Andrew’s behavior and choices. Always on edge wondering when he’s gonna “love me” or “ignore me”. It was awful. Worse place to be in and yet my brain won’t stop ruminating the relationship and questioning every single part of it.

I have tried to privately do my own healing and understanding. I’ve even done devotionals about emotional abuse. Watched so many videos, read blogs and have spent so much quiet time alone this past year just trying to help myself really get a grip and stay grounded in reality. This all sucks so much. Every time I think I get another breakthrough or make a new discovery about myself and the past, then BOOM I feel lost all over again. I can’t stop feeling Andrew’s energy and thinking he’s forever stuck in my head. Not just him, but pieces of Cody and of course Jake!!! (I don’t wanna talk about Jake cuz it’s torture. Jake was awful to me!!)

every where I try to turn, it says “consider seeking a therapist”…. I mean, I don’t personally know anyone in my circle who would consider therapy. So I feel like “I should be handling this better on my own.” I have done my best with what knowledge I have. I’ve experienced all these stages of trauma bond and grief. I’ve slowly opened to my mom in law and shared only a small portion!!

there’s this part of me that’s like “you gotta forgive your exes and let them go. You can’t keep thinking about them and talking about them.” OKAY, but my brain has moments of peace and being in the present then BOOOM intrusive thoughts, flashbacks of conversations with Andrew or selfies pop in my head and my heart aches from the pain as my brain begins to replay these moments over and over and over….

THEN because I’m a whole wife to someone else, I feel sooooo horrible like I’m cheating. I tell myself you’re hurting your new man that it isn’t fair to him if I obsess the past and I feel guilty for even having a past before I met my husband. If only I could have just met him and never knew Andrew but this small and strange part of me loved Andrew so then I feel sad and angry. I get tempted to Google Andrew and I don’t!!! I make sure I stay away from him cuz he can only harm me.

I made myself take a break from TikTok cuz it was only tempting me more. All these crazy videos saying “your ex is stalking you” and “your ex is manifesting you back into their life” then I would ruminate even more wondering if things could be “different, worse or same with Andrew” do I even want him back because literally he put me through hell then I ask myself “was it really hell or are you over-exaggerating his words to you and behavior?” Everyone get their feelings hurt at some point in life, no one is perfect and everyone has pain and troubles. I can’t be the only one in this world with past experiences that weren’t great.

Then there’s that word “trauma”. What does it mean to me, how bad is it and why does it feel like something I struggle to overcome? I feel like certain things hold me back and my brain keeps scanning through the past trying to figure out what’s wrong. What’s happened to me??? An uncle saw me for the 1st time last weekend after it’s been months and he sees I’m down to 100 lbs and he’s like “oh wow you’re too thin. Are you eating ???” Like yeah, I’m eating whatever I want to but yeah, I’ve had stomach issues and can’t always eat without trouble digesting but I’ve done better since Easter. It’s not on purpose and it’s not a topic I wanna dwell on. It’s too upsetting. You don’t want people to think you’re a cry baby or crazy!! So you just act like “oh yeah, I’m fine. Nothing is wrong.” 😭😭😭

I mean, I’m safe now. I’m far away from Andrew and I blocked his number. I shouldn’t be upset anymore but something deep inside me is screaming “this sucks!!!!!!!!” It’s this deep feeling of sadness and pain. A deep wound trying to heal and idk if that’s all it is, is it more?? I can’t remember every conversation Andrew and I shared. Some things were very very foggy and confusing!!!!!! Not just him though, Cody which I’ve worked hard to get over Cody but then Jake… I repress Jake and hold him in cuz I wasn’t even attracted to him!! I never had like “feelings for Jake” but I tried to be nice to him and not bother him so much but often I liked the crazy attention he gave me. There were small moments of praise and obsession towards me from him but there was mostly criticism on every corner!!!

I want to forgive Jake too and release his negative energy but I haven’t wanted to truly, truly, confront him or remember things from him. I’ve been mostly focused on Andrew cuz I had the most feelings for him and thought he could be “the one.” I truly idealized him and our relationship. I romanticized it and made it more than it was 💔😭 accepting that has been a whole thing that’s painful but I know I HAVE to. Andrew will never love me and the person I believed he was, is NOT HIM. He’s some stranger who used my nudes for over a year. He talked to me like a dog, isolated me on holidays, cheated and lied the whole time. Pretending to build dreams with me. Pretended to care about me and said “you are so precious to me” WHO SAYS THAT????

😝😝😝 I’m trying to have compassion on myself and “be a big girl” trying to get over this cuz it’s like “oh gosh so much time has went by. How couid you possibly still think of Andrew??” And I feel shameful. I feel like a really bad woman. I feel a longing for him and think I see him or his name alllllll the time and have for years. His selfies on his profiles had him in front of his car and I stared at him so much, I burnt that car into my brain 😜😂 and I always think I see it on the highway driving next to me and I’ve even dreamt before I’m in a parkinglot searching for his “car.” The AI chatbot says I am just seeking out closure… why don’t I already have closure??? Clearly Andrew doesn’t love me and isn’t coming back. I don’t want him to cuz I don’t trust myself or him. I know he doesn’t care about me. I have a good husband that seems faithful to me although he’s either working or playing video games. I’m too scared to demand change cuz none of my exes ever changed. Why would anyone change for me or want to be with me??? Ugh 😑 ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹 So I just vibe by myself and keep a distance from everything and everyone. Just listen to music cuz that’s where I’ve always felt safe was in music. At least song lyrics are honest with me.

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penwrythe · 2 years

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Reflections upon 2022

So, before this year end, I just want to do a personal post on few things. I want to look back over 2022 and see how far I came, both as an artist and as a person. Things might get a bit sensitive in this post because I'm going to discuss my mental health, events that caused a spiral earlier this year, and what followed later. So, just be aware of that. Thank you!

// mental health stuff on anxiety

Earlier this year, there was an incident involving me and two other people that culminated in me taking a break from Twitter. I discussed this before in this post. Also, I had written an apology to one of the people I harmed during that time, which can be seen here.

During my break, I was able to reflect upon my actions and learned that I really should have respected this person better. This was needed, along with understanding how my actions harmed this person. The break helped me, but, my god, I wished what happened never happened. That was a mistake and I should have better questioned the information I was given during that time. There's a lot I'm leaving out of this, including the problematic actions this person had done. But, regardless of who-did-what-and-how-and-when, I am still responsible for my actions and hold myself accountable for them. There's more to this but if I talk more about what occurred, I feel I might cause more harm. I wish I could say more, but I don't know what would happen if I do. I don't know who to talk to about this.

But with all this said, the only thing I want is that the person is okay. I want them to be okay. I deeply reget my mistreatment of them. Also, in reference in their own actions, I want them to do better. I'm aware that what happened was bad, but now that they're held accountable for their actions, I want them to do better.

To that person, I am sorry. I hope you find your voice to speak again.

(If you know who I'm referring to, please do not mention them here. Leave them be, please. Plus, don't put them on blast for clout. I do not condone this. Leave them alone.)

On my mental health, there were a few things I learned throughout this year about my bad habits involving rumination, anxiety, and intrusive thoughts. Having a months-long spiral was not a normal thing for me to experience and I think it's time for me to get help to prevent this from happening again. In the past few months, I discovered how difficult it is to control my anxiety and intrusive thoughts. There were times when I was afraid of my own mind. I know that my intrusive thoughts are not who I am, but sometimes it feels that I need to prevent something terrible from happening by hyper analyzing everything I do or say. Sometimes my thoughts get really dark, like, concerningly so when I'm incredibly anxious. I do not think this is normal. I am worried about my mental health.

I am not sure if I'll do anything rash due to my anxiety, but if I say or do anything concerning, please reach out to me to make sure I'm okay.

I did discuss this with my family and they said they will help me get some therapy in 2030. Until then, I'll do my best to keep track of my mental health. Take breaks from social media more often (and use the site blocker and stick to the schedule), establish stronger boundaries, resolve any conflicts more calmly, learn some healthy coping habits, and just take it easy from now on.

So, with all this said, right now I'm stable. Or at least currently. I have family and friends I can talk to about what is going on. I feel safe and okay. And if I'm okay, not super great, but okay, then that is fine. I don't have to be 100% all day every day. Sometimes, those bad feelings come and go. I need to be patient with myself and give myself time to calm down. I think I will be fine.

I hope everyone has a good Christmas and New Year. I hope 2030 will be a great year. And if it's not, that's okay.

Thank you, all of you for following me and my art! I greatly appreciate it!

Have a nice day! Happy New Year!

#personal #end of the year post #mental health #tw mental breakdown #intrusive thoughts #text posty #anxiety

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cuttingstone · 2 years

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😐.

#i need to get back into therapy i can feel myself ruminating and breaking down #that line from the bear that’s like i know lots of people who wake up screaming and cry for no reason that’s me #but at the same time looking for therapists in the area??? hellish #i can’t tell whose going to be chill with me being queer and whose on tok tok and whose going to chill when i bust out the instructive #*tik tok #thoughts. i miss my therapist from when i was in colleges he’s been the only person i’ve ever found i was actually able to open up to #like ouagahagahaghahahah #i have so many new revelations that are just festering in my mind i need to be able to talk to someone but 😐😐😐😐😐#think i might just blow up instead #to delete

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unstablesophistication · 2 years

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4/11/22 - Day 7

Today was busy, but good.

I woke up around 9:30 and got coffee right away (still felt hungover from Saturday — just foggy and anxious). I sat at my desk with my coffee and did the tasks I needed to to start the day, checked my email and slack messages, and slowly woke up. After I finished waking up, I took a shower and got ready for the day. I had a meeting at 11 with my Englewood evaluation team. Ate breakfast on the call. Didn’t love the way I looked in my zoom window. I had to do majority of this meeting from my car on my way down to campus. I got to my noon class just a couple of minutes late, but it didn’t matter. Started feeling really tired in my class, but repeating my affirmations actually helped me a lot. Class got out at 2:45 and I met with AS about our GIS final project. I was anxious because this class has been kicking my ass, but she and I were on the same page as far as what we want done for the project and where we are in actually getting it done. That was reassuring. After the meeting I got some lunch at Roti and a coffee from La Colombe. I had to get back to campus quick for my 4pm meeting on the corridor. Thankfully the corridor team has been showing initiative and came to the meeting with actionable ideas. Felt really scattered throughout the day, but especially during this meeting as I hadn’t prepared at all for it and there were three or four things I wanted to have finished. I barely even remembered we were having the meeting. We finished around 5:30 and I had 30 minutes before my next class. I booked my flight for Thursday and texted my mom. My econ dev class was next. Only nine of us showed up, so I had to really participate. I enjoy this class and I’m genuinely glad it’s my concentration area. It combines so many of my interests yet still provides me with career advancement and opportunities to both make money and have a large positive impact on people and communities. During break I noticed M’s hydrangea tattoo and she told me she got it because she had hydrangeas in her front yard growing up. Made me think I might want a lilac tattoo. My parents have three lilac bushes in our front yard. One from my grandparents house, one from their first house, and one they planted 30 years ago when they built our house. It’s perfectly fitting. Class got out at 8:45 and I was out of there. I was just exhausted and really on edge. Irritable and hungry and tired. I called my mom and we chatted on my way home. Walking to my apartment from my garage I realized it was beautiful outside and I was so sad I didn’t get a run in today. In the elevator up to my apartment I had these overwhelming thoughts about bashing my head into the wall or slapping myself. This has happened a couple times this semester. I haven’t self-harmed in probably six years, and I haven’t had to fight the urge either. I’ll talk about this in therapy tomorrow. S had dinner waiting at home which was as wonderful as ever. We chatted a bit and I bitched about my day which was cathartic. After dinner I texted with AD about setting the agenda for our meeting tomorrow. Took a lot in me to get off my bed and sit at my desk to do the work that needed to get done. Worked for another two hours, but still didn’t finish everything I needed to, so I’ll be getting up early to finish it. The next four weeks will be this way, and I’ve accepted it. I did a very good job today of having a positive mindset and not ruminating/analyzing/judging myself today despite it not being perfect. It’s funny how some days it’s so easy and some days it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I really do think so much of it is mindset. When I believe I’m in control I am able to be the person I know I’m meant to be. I just need to keep reminding myself that I already am him, so I can be him whenever I want. Tomorrow is another busy day. I will be disciplined and industrious and show myself again that I am capable of achieving my goals and I am deserving of that success. I hope you know it’s never too late to have the life you want. And every day is an opportunity to change course. Sleep well. xoxo pat

#journal

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brandjchilds · 4 years

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2020 👉🏾 2021

I spent the last two weeks doing some introspection and writing about my 2020 experience (I paid Justin Timberlake to say that.)

From the jump, I felt like the 2020 tagline “a year of clarity” was so corny, but I bet you’re a little more clear on some important things after this year. I had no choice but to be.

Loss figured out how to affect everyone this year, in abstract ways, and in very visceral, tangible, sobering ways.

Pain was available to all who were alive long enough to experience more than a month of 2020.

Most of us would say 2020 gave us that work.

Let’s not get it twisted though, 2019 wasn’t nothing to write home about, but this year made me feel like I wish I could go back to sleep to finish that dream.

The very nature of having to stay home, being stripped of so many distractions that created false senses of comfort and security showed me that there’s a lot of character that has been built up in me, and that there’s still a lot of building to do.

I was more in my head this year than any other year that I can remember. Which coincided pretty spectacularly with the uptick in my dating activity this year. Somehow, I was both more bold, and more in my own head.

I talked to some girls AND got dates with some girls that a previous version of me would’ve thought I had no business being looked at by. Truly intimidatingly attractive, extraordinarily brilliant and kindhearted women that pre-2020 me wouldn’t have even headfaked at (yeah, I’m patting myself on the back for that).

Something I noticed about one of the lovely young women that I talked to early this year is that she had this sense that she had grown to the place where she was putting the majority of the weight of her trust in God and leaving it there. Trusting the provider and not the provisions. And that seemed to cause this overwhelmingly serene self security to radiate out of her. I’m still figuring that out, for sure.

This was also another year where I struggled with hiding many of the most passionate parts of myself in public spaces, in an effort to move closer to appropriate transparency and away from codependent vulnerability. In some ways, I think this worked well to keep myself from getting hurt as much, along with creating healthier connections with people (the goal), but there’s still some attenuation to be done, because in some instances, I definitely over corrected and felt myself becoming less interesting, and less available for any kind of connection at all.

In my closest relationships, I felt myself leveling up my inquisitive nature, showing my love in bigger ways to the people I’ve stated my love for, and intentionally finding more ways to show up for my people.

In addition, I’ve had more “in-game” experience with the difference between hurt versus harm as it relates to boundaries and communication in relationships. Learning to love myself well by taking up space in that way.

I learned that I can actually tolerate conflict that feels even remotely productive.

Oh! Also, I’ve discovered something pretty major about myself: The greatest gift someone could give me is an environment of peace, joy and conversational fluidity. That’s all I want ever in all of life.

I was met with more of the realities of “both-and”, as opposed to objective extremism one way or another.

The relativity of words and time became that much more apparent to me. I was telling my sister that there were so many dope things I experienced in January and February of 2020 that somehow felt closer to the present than, say, George Floyd, or my first official relationship, Tiger King or my therapy breakthroughs. Speaking of...

Some breakthroughs in therapy and meditation have allowed me to put more space between external stimuli and the choice of my response. (And the role of distraction in this whole continuum, which is the enemy of mindfulness - part of why I’m taking this social media break.)

Closely related to the above thought, I heard this quote that said something like, “if you think of every thought as a package, the packages might come to your door, but if the package isn’t for you, don’t sign for it!” I’ve also chosen to apply this to thoughts that illicit even the strongest emotional responses. Very subversive, I know.

This time last year, I was with my family in Atlanta, talking about the things I wanted to achieve, character wise, in 2020, and now looking back at that list, I realize I can’t really check anything off. But I also realize that that was never the point. My sights were set on the wrong thing. The point of the journey is to keep becoming. Pay attention to how what you’re doing now is facilitating or detracting from what you hope to be. And then, if you find you’re on track, make peace with the process. This is one of many spiritual practices I want to reconnect with in 2021.

In addition to that, I’ve dropped the expectation for anyone, including myself, to fully be anything, really. However, I do need the people in my closest circle/prime seats of influence to be at least growing in their awareness as active participants in who they’re becoming. How they might be able to continue functionally evolving. Consistently considering what the desired outcome of their life might be.

Something else that learnt me: It is possible to apologize too much, and it is probable that I have lol. The reason, so I have discovered, is that it can cause you to behave apologetically for who you are, which has been quite the lifelong problem for your boy 😁.

By the way, I still have doubts in my faith (I guess that’s inherent in the word “faith”, right?), but they’re not (currently) overwhelming questions about God’s goodness or about why so many religious people have been allowed to make it their business to commandeer and distort the foundational ethic of love. Admittedly, the questions I have are much simpler, but I believe they’re valid, and worth inquisition.

I found a way to finish 3 pilots this past year, despite going through the biggest heartbreak of my life, seismic family turmoil and the existential stress of this pandemic. Idk how “good” those scripts are, but that’s really not the point. Shooters shoot and writers write.

I was recently reminded that, while living a creative life comes inherently with a level of fear, I don’t have to allow that fear to ever be the reason I don’t do or try things.

I pushed through my ADD, and reclaimed the discipline of sitting down and reading physical books.

I also listened to a bunch of audiobooks and even more podcasts. Favorite genres are pop-psychology/human behavior, dating, and of course, basketball.

I got help from some friends moving into a newly renovated, beautiful house in Glendale. No lie, I was a little shook to be in Simi Valley after Trump lost, and thankfully, we ended up moving like a week before the results came in (the first time).

I’ve been blessed to be bolstered by a new accountability group of Black men that are always available for support, and fully bought in on my progression in life, sometimes even more than I am.

I also witnessed just how truly down for me my circle of people are, on the heels of... some really tough stuff. So many people made it a point to show up for me, at the drop of a hat, with calls of encouragement, texts to reinstill confidence in me, and COVID-safe hangs to just physically be present with me through it all. I got some top shelf individuals in my life...

And at the end of a year like this, the most sobering things that have made their way back to front and center for me have been: how much relationships matter and the true brevity of life. Having faced that brevity fairly closely due to COVID’s effects on loved ones, and personally, with my own past health scare, I’m re-upping on the conscious decision to be an illuminative presence in my relationships. To be better about being consistently involved in my people’s lives, which as an introvert can sometimes cost me the very last morsels of my energy. To be more curious and open hearted when relating to people who think and believe differently than me. To continue to build myself up so that I can become someone who both healthily processes emotions and difficulty while safeguarding against rumination and wallowing, so I can be more emotionally available for the people in my life (my fellow Enneagram 4s know all about that struggle). Life’s much too brief for me to be any other way.

Anywho, there are some big things on the horizon, known and unknown, and I need space to be ready. So, social media homies, I’ll see you in 45 days (or, you know, hit me up if you want to see me before then).

#HappyNewYear

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haxballfan-blog · 4 years

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When You're Sad, Your Skin Is Sad

Correlation doesn't prove causation, but I can't help but notice that both times I’ve lived in my teenage bedroom I’ve felt especially sad. In high school, it was an angry sadness that sought attention. But when I came back to my parents house in March to ride out COVID, the sadness became deep and dull—about everything and nothing. I go to bed dreading the next day like it holds a big test I haven’t studied for. In the morning, I alternately jolt awake while it’s still dark, or tether myself to my comforter well into the workday. I’ve been very privileged in the ways I’ve experienced the past few months, but also very anxious. And actually, the CDC estimates that 40-percent of adults exhibit symptoms of anxiety or depressive disorders as of this past July. (In 2019, that number was 11-percent.) So, yes, I’m crying a lot more than usual; maybe you are too. I’m also breaking out more than usual—and you?

“Yes, stress causes you to break out,” says Dr. Amy Wechsler, who, as one of only a handful of doctors in the US board-certified in both dermatology and psychiatry, is uniquely qualified to answer questions about this kind of stuff—she even wrote the book on it. Dr. Wechsler cites a well-known study done on a college campus during exam week, where researchers found a strong correlation between stress and the severity of acne. “But exam period is like two weeks long, and when the exams go away the breakouts go away. Imagine if you had exam period for five months, you know? That’s like what we’re going through right now.”

According to Dr. Wechsler, the root of stress acne lies in a molecule called cortisol. Cortisol is a hormone that’s pumped out by the body to fight illness, control blood sugar levels, regulate metabolism, and influence memory formation. In general it’s anti-inflammatory, but when you’re stressed, your body responds by producing more cortisol than it would normally as part of the fight-or-flight response meant to keep you alert when you need to be. If that stress is prolonged, and you don’t have the proper coping mechanisms to deal with it, cortisol starts to act very inflammatory.

“Inflammation is the root cause of acne, and eczema, and psoriasis,” says Dr. Wechsler, who also adds that high levels of cortisol over a long period of time will break down collagen, the molecule in your skin that keeps it looking plump. “That’s why when people are really stressed out for a while, they look like they aged overnight.” For a good, obvious example of this phenomenon, take a look at a photo of President Obama in his first year as president compared to his last. Cortisol also weakens your skin’s natural barrier, so you’ll start to experience more transepidermal water loss. Several months of anxiety may leave you with a totally different skin type: even if your skin is normally oily, it will start to dry out and get more sensitive. Dr. Wechsler notes that when your barrier is compromised, your skin is more likely to react to something that normally wouldn’t cause a problem. “That’s when people say things like, ‘I’ve been using the same product forever, they haven’t changed their ingredients, but now I can’t tolerate it.’”

The tricky part about cortisol is that once levels are high, it can be difficult to bring them down on your own. At minimum, you need to make sure you’re getting an adequate amount of sleep each night, which can be difficult when you’re feeling anxious. “Cortisol is at its lowest for everybody during sleep, and healing molecules like beta-endorphins, growth hormones, and oxytocin,” a mood enhancer, “are always at their highest,” says Dr. Wechsler, who compares the molecules’ relationship to a see-saw. If you’re not getting much sleep, you’re not giving the anti-inflammatories a chance to catch up to the cortisol.

During the daytime, you can sort of hack your body chemicals by engaging in activities that directly trigger a release of those happy molecules. Completing your skincare routine floods your brain with dopamine, otherwise known as the “feel-good neurotransmitter.” So would cooking a complicated dinner, or organizing your bedroom, or finishing a book. A workout can help balance too-low endorphins, a fact I always felt was fallacy until I experienced my first runner’s high a few months ago. Not into exercise? Pop on a John Mulaney stand up special—any will do!—for a rush of endorphins you don’t have to sweat for. And to raise your oxytocin levels, turn down the lights and grab your vibrator. Sex drive can lower when you’re depressed, but each time you orgasm your body releases cortisol-lowering, calm-inducing oxytocin.

Of course, these things won’t stop you from feeling anxious, but they might help you feel a little bit better on the day-to-day, and you also may see a difference in your skin. “When people are very anxious, they feel this loss of control over what’s going on in their lives, and normal routines fall by the wayside because they feel unimportant,” Dr. Wechsler explains. “A skincare routine gives you back a little control,” she adds, conceding that, at the very least, 10 minutes of caring for yourself will feel better than reading the news, or scrolling through Instagram.

The absolute easiest, low-effort way to help balance cortisol? For a sad person at least, it’s crying. Scientists aren’t quite sure how or why, but studies show that a good crying session decreases cortisol levels. It was once widely believed that tears were a way to expel excess stress hormones, but now, most researchers think that the benefits of crying have to do with social signaling: just getting out the message that you’re in distress seems to help alleviate some of that distress. And, if you’re crying to somebody, they’re likely to give you a hug, rub your back, or stroke your hair—all triggers for oxytocin.

But while crying is good for the skin internally, it can leave your face feeling… not so great. Which is the reason I called Dr. Wechsler in the first place—I wear my recent crying obviously, and am left frantically icing my face before morning meetings and check-ins with family. Beyond how I look, my post-crying face hurts. My eyes get incredibly puffy, and I often find myself stuck between a rock and a hard place when I cry at night. It happens, without fail, after I do my skincare routine, and I wasn’t sure whether the salty tears left on my skin were further contributing to breakouts. To make my outsides match my insides after a solid catharsis, I wanted to figure out a post-crying best practice—a sad girl beauty routine, if you will.

What I’d learn is that your eyes work overtime to produce tears, which draws an abundance of blood to the surface of your eyelids. If you cry at night, that blood doesn’t have anywhere to go—it pools in your face when you’re lying flat. “If you’re crying during the day and you’re standing up and walking around, gravity will take the swelling from your eyelids, bring it down your face, and flush it out,” adds Dr. Wechsler. For those particularly concerned about morning puffiness, you can stay upright until the swelling subsides, or try Dr. Weschler’s favorite method. “Put a teaspoon in a glass of ice water, let it get really cold, and then take the back of the teaspoon and put it on your eyelid with a little bit of pressure. Both the cold and the pressure really help those blood vessels calm back down,” says Dr. Wechsler, who learned the tip from one of her model patients. Doing that right away will probably help prevent morning puffiness, but if you aren’t feeling up to it, just go to sleep and try to keep your head elevated with an extra pillow. You can always try the spoon trick (and some vertical action) in the morning.

As for the tears themselves, Dr. Wechsler recommends rinsing them off to abate dryness. If you’ve cried within a half hour of doing your skincare routine, you can rinse with a gentle cleanser (or water, if you think another wash will be too drying) and re-apply your skincare products. Otherwise, just rinse and moisturize again.

Remember how I mentioned cortisol is difficult to lower on your own? If you’re experiencing symptoms of anxiety and depression, you might also consider seeking out the help of a trained therapist. While it’s easy to ruminate on how we look on the outside, it’s important to emphasize that this skin issue is indicative of a larger, internal problem. Aside from the auxiliary benefit of helping balance your skin, talking to someone can help alleviate the feelings of loneliness, grief, and uncertainty you might be feeling right now. Therapy for Black Girls, the National Queer & Trans Therapists of Color Network, and Open Path Collective all offer remote therapy options at accessible price points. You might also check out Psychology Today’s list of therapists, which is quite comprehensive—you can filter results by things like specialty, sexuality, and race. If you’re a Black woman, you can also apply for a grant from The Loveland Foundation to subsidize your sessions.

Knowing that my skin is feeling as vulnerable as I am right now, I’ve been taking it easy with my skincare. And the benefit is twofold: nixing breakout treatments lets my skin actually heal, and using fewer products means I’m more likely to actually do my routine (even when I don’t feel like it). I’ve noticed new pimples subsiding after fortifying my compromised skin barrier with products rich in ceramides, natural moisturizing factors, and lipids. I’ve also been chasing opportunities to feel good as often as I can, masked and tiptoeing around the border of my own shrunken comfort zone. Still the breakouts, and the tears, come in waves. But then again, they always have.

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cummunication · 6 years

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Breaking Up (is hard to do)

Breaking up is hard to do. That’s not just some cliche catch phrase but it’s the truth. Breakups have always been the absolute worst for me. I’ve had a few but there’s only been one that was extremely difficult. The rest haven’t been a walk in the park but easier, rather. I have deep abandonment wounds so I not only loathe being abandoned but abandoning people. My worst fear is losing a loved one; probably because I lost my father at a young age and being adopted. Grief is a scary emotion which I try to avoid like the plague. This has left me to stay in situations a lot longer than is healthy. I was unhappy, yet due to my grief phobia, I would stay because it was better than losing someone. Anyone who’s gone through a breakup can understand how painful it can be. It’s not the post breakup which irks me but actually pulling off the band aid. You see, I’ve never been broken up with, so I can’t fully comprehend what it’s like. I’ve had breakups where it was mutual to go our separate ways but only after I initiated it. Yet I can empathize with anyone who has had a broken heart. It’s not just the person who is left that’s prone to heartbreak; I’ve been subjected to pain while doing the breaking up. After a breakup, strong feelings can linger for your lost love. We might put them on a pedestal, only to remember the good times which makes us miss them. There’s nothing wrong or shameful about writing a list of all their flaws in order to make yourself feel better. There’s no one size fits all solution to getting over someone. There is no perfect formula on how to break up but there are general guidelines on how to make it smoother. Most people generally need time, self-reflection, distraction, venting and good chocolate to heal. Don’t let anyone (especially yourself) tell you how fast you should be back on the market or forgetting about your ex. I cried every day for almost a year after my ex and I split. This was the person I wanted to marry, and my fantasy had been ruined. I felt I should have forgotten him or found someone new after a month passed. I figured he was over it and it put that much more pressure on me to let things go. I had to understand this was my first love and we were together for quite some time. Not to mention the relationship was tumultuous and dysfunctional so it made separating much harder. It wasn’t reasonable to set unrealistic expectations on myself. The length of recovery from a breakup can take anywhere from a few weeks to a few years. It is different for everybody and the circumstances of the relationship. It also matters how much effort you do or do not put into bettering yourself in order to move past your ex. Here are some tips when it comes to getting over or ending things with that someone… 1. Don’t only imagine the worst possible outcome; consider realistic possibilities as well. AKA, try not to catastrophize. We make things much harder in our heads then they actually are. Stay in the present and try not to worry about the future or dwell on the past. Learning mindfulness techniques can be helpful here. 2. Minimize the “if only” about the breakup and notice when you are having ruminating thoughts about the relationship. Write them down or take an artistic outlet to express your feelings. 3. Unplug from your ex; this means totally disconnecting from their social media and other forms of communication. AKA, don’t be a stalker and try to accept that it’s over. 4. Engage in new activities to restore your sense of self. We tend to lose ourselves in relationships since we invest so much time, energy and resources into another. Now is your chance to find yourself again and enjoy a little “me time” which we all deserve. Get back in touch with yourself and tend to your needs. If we jump right back into the dating scene, we can make the same mistakes we did in our last relationship and feel like we’re living a lie. Not to mention forcing feelings is never fun and nobody wants to be a rebound. 5. Be open to feedback, even if it’s difficult to receive. Recognize people want to help you. Be honest with friends and family about what’s going on. Also be honest with yourself and consider therapy. Nowadays, we don’t even need to leave our house for counseling so try not to make excuses about it being too much money or taking up too much time. It’s one hour of your day and most therapists accept insurance or work on sliding scales. Breakups can be pretty awful whether you are initiating or receiving the bad news. Remind yourself you are in control; this is your life and you have to do what’s best for you and vice versa. If you aren’t a sociopath, you are conscious of others feelings and most of us don’t like hurting people. Nobody is immune to the intense, negative emotions that come along with a breakup. We are (to an extent), forced to stop loving someone whom we shared our life with. If you are considering breaking up with someone, I suggest making a list of [their] pros and cons. I have done this in the past and when I saw how much longer the “reasons to leave” side was versus “reasons to stay”, I had to be truthful with myself. Just know that whether you just got dumped or did the dumping, you are important. You matter and just because things didn’t work out with someone doesn’t mean they wont with someone else. There are millions of people in this world and things are bound to not workout with a handful. That also means they are bound to workout with at least one. In the meantime, give yourself the love and respect you are missing and deserve.

#breakups #breakup #breakingup #missingyou #missingsomeone #love #blog #blogger #dating #relationships #relationshipadvice #movingon #letgo

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letsdiscoverkitty · 6 years

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Therapy 13/02/2019

I don’t even know what to say.

I honestly feel like a complete and utter failure 99.9% of the time at the moment. I didn’t want to go to the session as I felt like I would just be wasting N’s time and that someone else who needs more support could be using the session far better. I didn’t want to go back and sit in the same room, on the same chair and say the same things; I know what I need to do yet I have been feeling absolutely powerless….Anyway, in short, I did go to the session and it was okay. I suppose it helped me to draw a bit of a line under the past week and accept that there were many things that were not in my control that came up, that could have knocked me heavily. Everything has felt quite heavy and hard, and even just having to get up each morning fills me with dread. N said that she was proud of me for not resorting to old coping mechanisms/going backwards when things have been so “muddy”. And that is how I would describe the past week: muddy. It’s not that there have been specific triggers but there has just been a number of things that were out of my control that have made my boots sink a little deeper into the mud and made me feel even more stuck/tired/exhausted. We talked through some of the things and I suppose that kind of helped with the “drawing a line” and trying to put the week behind me.

We set some goals/things for me to focus on over the next week. A big hurdle right now is my self-confidence/belief. We revisited one of the first MANTRA sheets that gets you to rate your “understanding of the importance for change” and then your confidence in your ability to make changes - and this is where it highlighted to us both that my confidence in my own abilities has been dropping as the weeks tick by. Yes I have a high level of insight and understanding and I want to change, however I have very little faith/belief in myself that I can do it and do not trust myself in the slightest, which leads to me feeling paralysed/unable to make any sort of changes. Part of me questions what the point in trying even is anymore as I keep falling down/messing up and have been stuck in the same cycles for years, so why should this time be different? I know this is AN but knowing that doesn’t quite help when it is such a strong belief. Not only that but I also feel like everyone around me is giving up on me and has resigned to the fact that I am not able to do it myself. It all tumbles together into a viscous cycle of ruminating thoughts that anorexia jumps on and twists and then pits against my depression; trapping me in an internal war.

She thinks that the focus needs to be on giving me to support to actually implement changes, so exposure therapy, which is often used to help people who suffer from OCD. It’s basically setting up a behavioural experiment and means that you exposure yourself to the fear/rule/behaviour and then have to ride out the wave without using old coping mechanisms. I.e. you just have to eat the fucking food and not restrict or compensate for it later. which tbh is a fair point and is what I know I need to do. You can’t think or “understand” your way out of this. The only way is action. She has proposed that next week we do some eating in our session so that she can try to support me, which I said I would think about and see how this week goes. She said it’s still a case of reviewing how things are going weekly and seeing where I am at. She kept trying to reassure me that it is okay if right now is not the right time to move forwards/push me/opt for recovery focused models and therapy etc. and they will shift my care accordingly but ugh I don’t want that and it’s so frustrating. I want to do it, I do. so why cant I just do it? Why do I keep messing up and failing? Why am I such an idiot? I’m sorry, I’m just a bit of a mess at the moment. I don’t know what the hell I am doing with myself. days are blurring together. time is passing. and I am just kind of ‘here’ but not here...

So yeah, I’m trying to focus on “acts of defiance” (as N likes to call them) which are basically anything that means that I am standing up to anorexia/the disordered side of my brain, whether it be food related or not. E.g. breaking a rule/habit/timing/whatever in the hope that it will help my confidence increase even just a little bit. But of course she said that the main thing again has to be to increase my intake. My weight was stable again this week but my physical signs are wavering slightly and she was quite concerned about my temperature but yeah I know it’s not good. Any of it. I’m just really tired of my existence/everything and want nothing more than for someone to just take it all away but I know that isn’t an option/wouldn’t solve anything.

I’m sorry, I realise that this has slowly moved into some sort of pity party so I am going to leave this here for now. As usual, nothing has really changed. I know what I need to do. I know why I need to do it. I want to do it. Yet here I am....I’m sorry. I know it must be really frustrating to read/hear this time and time again, which is why I didn’t really intend on posting *shrugs*. This did not go how I planned and I am sorry and I have probably not really said anything that I was going to say and have rambled on about god knows what but I suppose that is a bit of a representation of my current mental state right now. it’s all messy and heavy and hard and slow and painful and I can’t quite string my words together. im sorry. im really sorry.

#personal #tw #idek #sorry

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wanderandwondertogether · 5 years

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Be Still

It isn't easy to talk about our weaknesses. We often feel vulnerable when we do. We keep up the appearance that we have it all together. We're scared to let others see the truth that on the inside we're falling apart. For a while now God has laid something on my heart. I need to be more open about my struggles. I need to share my testimony of what God has brought me through. This isn't a ploy for sympathy or attention. I am sharing this with you in hopes that you will get a glimpse of the love and hope that Christ offers. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness." Romans 12:9.

I was a quirky child. Some things never change haha! I was very shy, hid my emotions, and I worried about things most would never think of. Irrational things. This is embarrassing to admit but for example: I was afraid the wind chimes moving in the wind would encourage a tornado. In my mind if I didn't do certain things like take those wind chimes down, natural disasters would occur. I laugh about it now but being young and worrying like that was miserable. I felt isolated. My mom talked to my doctor about my quirky behaviors; how I went around unplugging everything, straightening the shoes in a perfect line, saying repetitive prayers, and blowing kisses to God. Yes, I did all that and more. I was diagnosed with OCD.

OCD stands for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It is a mental disorder that consists of obsessive thoughts and urges and/or compulsive repetitive behaviors. It is not solely about being neat and organized. It is chronic, long lasting, uncontrollable, and can interfere with everyday life. The cause is unknown and there is no cure. However, it can be treated with therapy and medication. Times were different back then and I sought neither because we didn't have the knowledge and resources that we now have.

My worst obsessions were not consistent so things looked up for a long time. I still had some quirks but nothing too consuming. All that changed after I had my daughter. About five months after Lily was born I began having intrusive thoughts. This is a very ugly and distressing part of OCD. Disturbing thoughts that I didn't want to have, nor did I have any clue as to where they were coming from. I started to believe them and started questioning if I was a good person or not. They disturbed me so bad that I would start doing compulsions to alleviate the stress that they were causing me. Ruminating on those thoughts caused me to give those thoughts power. Therefore the intrusive thoughts intensified. It was a vicious cycle. I didn't know what was real anymore. I was trying to relieve my worries and figure it all out on my own, by doing so I severely damaged my mental well being.

This is what still breaks my heart. I let this continue for three years. Three years! My obsessions consumed hours out of my day, everyday for three years. I missed out on so much during that time. I missed out on Lily's milestones. I was physically present but not mentally. One of my best friends lived two minutes away at the time. There was so much fun to be had and memories to be made but I was too consumed and now she lives in another state. I wasn't present and I wasn't me.

I took my eyes off of the one true hope I had, Jesus. If I had been still and looked at myself the way He looks at me, I wouldn't have believed these lies my brain kept telling me. Instead I let fear take over and I was left paralyzed, feeling isolated, and in a mental prison. In all of this though, God is so good. Even though I took my eyes off of him, He sought me out. He was there whispering hope into my days. I barely had the strength to stay awake. I wanted to sleep a lot to escape my thoughts. I was very unproductive during this time. I did what I needed to take care of Lily, did my job, and nothing much else. One thing that God encouraged me to do though was to get into His word everyday. If it wasn't for Proverbs 31 Ministries I don't know how I would have been reminded of the truth. Their devotionals got me more into God's word than I had ever been and at the time I needed it the most. It encouraged me to seek Him more and more each day. I was so painfully slow at it but I started to hand over these issues to Jesus. I remember going to a Women's Conference and they had ushers that would pray with you. I went up and wrapped my arms around this stranger and bawled into her shoulder. At that time I didn't see her. I saw myself being at the feet of Jesus holding onto his garment. Like the woman with the bleeding. For she said to herself, "If I can just touch his robe, I'll be made well." Matthew 9:21.

Jesus was my answer all along. I had been so consumed with the what ifs and being in control that my negative thoughts took over. I didn't even recognize it as the lies of OCD. It sounds crazy but my mind didn't even process that I had OCD. I needed to let go of my certainty and choose instead to trust God and His oversight for my life. Thank you Jesus for showing your love for me and speaking truth to my heart during that time. When I finally let go and was still enough to look at Jesus and see His love for me and that I was His is when these thoughts lost their power. I was able to see them for what they were, an ugly symptom of my OCD.

Looking back I can see all the times Jesus was there interceding on my behalf and comforting me through others. The time I was so consumed with fear I was up all night shaking and throwing up, Shane stayed by my side and held me. My best friend going to my parents and all three of them interceding in prayer for me. The messages at church that were just what I needed to hear. The friend who said God laid it on their heart to pray for me while they were washing the dishes. God you are so so good!

I share this so that someone may find hope. Mental illness is still sometimes seen as taboo and kept hidden. I pray that anyone who suffers with it will seek help and not be ashamed. There are many resources out there and people have more understanding of it now. I let the cycle last way too long. My intense struggle with OCD has left me damaged. I now have to take anxiety medicine daily, even if I am not obsessing. I created so many negative pathways in my mind that it is now constantly on alert. I still have to daily remind myself of God's truth. I have two notes that I carry around with me and look at frequently. One is biblical insight to OCD, the other is a list of God's promises. I can say that I am back to feeling like myself and life is good. Freedom truly comes when you let go of control and rest in the One who holds all things!

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anothergirlrecovering · 6 years

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Dietician day 10

Yikes is sort of the only way I can really describe how my session with Peggy went today. I got there and put my stuff down and she weighed me . She said she liked my being boots and brought up the fact that her daughter has a pair and apparently doesn’t wear them because she doesn’t think they’re comfortable and she called them duck boots and was like is that what they are actually called and I was like I think duck boot is the style of boot but been booed is the brand and I said I agree that they weren’t necessarily the most comfortable of shoes but that was mainly because I have such a narrow feet so I have a lot of wiggle room in there but my other pair that has the fleece lining inside to keep my feet warm are super comfortable I think it’s just because my feet fit it correctly. She said she’s told her daughter to just wear them more often to break them in because she thinks that the problem but she said that’s my daughter who is just strong-willed and that’s just how she is. And then we came back in and sat down together and she asked about how things are going and I said they’re OK and she said well talk to me we can talk about the food after but how is everything going and I said I guess it’s going and I mentioned how I have that exam today and how things have felt OK for the last few days because I’ve just sort of been focusing all my energy on studying and my husband was away from the weekend and I said that he and Peggy had talked and she was like yeah did you guys talk about it and I said yeah and she asked how it went and I said it went fine and I think he was sort of relieved that I wasn’t telling him one thing and telling her another but that he was kind of surprised by her treatment recommendations because I made it seem like it was lightly suggested and he said that it was definitely suggested and she was like yeah and we are going to take some more time today to talk specifically about that and I said so I guess everything has kind of been OK just sort of up-and-down. She said she thinks that I know that I need treatment and she brought up whether or not I had been in treatment at this way before and I just sort of nodded. I brought up how the last time I was in treatment and I have been purging like nine times a day and they didn’t refer me to a higher level of care and they just discharged me and so when I compare it to that it’s like this is no big deal and that back then I know based on the DSM was severe and this now doesn’t even meet criteria for mild and she pointed out that I had lost weight really quickly and then I clearly have a lot of other behaviors that do you qualify for treatment and she was like you can’t use bad treatment in the past to justify not needing help now. She asked me if I had looked into treatment options and I said no and she took out a piece of paper and started writing down different treatment centers that are within a few states away and she asked me if there were any others that I would be thinking of and whether or not I would want to stay somewhat close to home and I didn’t really say much in response to anything other then I said yeah and she just kept writing a list and then she brought up seeing and eating this order therapist and what my thoughts were and if I had talked to Lynn and I said yes and that Lynn pretty much said that if treatment was the recommendation by Peggy then we needed to have me at least get an assessment by needing this for a therapist and Peggy said that she really thinks I need it and so she started writing a list of different eating disorder specialists and the first when she asked me about was Stephanie and I was like that’s Amber‘s therapist and I feel like it would be a conflict of interest and she was like OK well I see Amber too but it’s fine and I was like well I know that she’s talked about me recently and I just feel like I’ve been awkward position to be in because I’ve had that happen with clients and It can be hard to navigate and she pretty much said that would be Stephanie‘s job to determine and not mine and it’s her call as to whether or not it is a conflict of interest and I don’t need to worry about that and that she may not taking New people anyway but she put it on the list and then wrote down a few others and then she asked me about things with food and I said I think they were going OK some areas better than others and she was like we really need to be looking at treatment options and I was like why and she said that my weight did go down again but again very marginally and I was dumbfounded because I expected it to be up and I haven’t been weighing myself so I wasn’t really aware of my weight. She brought up feeling like my anxiety is just too high to do this at the outpatient level and she asked him anxiety has been and was like a lot of people talk about their anxiety preventing them from doing that hard at work and she checked my chart to see if I was on medicine and I was like I’m not but I started the CBD oil and that actually has helped with a lot of the physical anxiety that I would normally be feeling but not so much with the ruminating thoughts which she was like with eating the ruminating thoughts get better right and she was like do you remember when you started to get better last time and I was like I don’t know I feel like I’ve always had a problem with ruminating thoughts and I don’t necessarily mean like around food and body image because yes that gets better with eating and was an issue before but like at this point I just constantly end up ruminating on things that can’t be changed and are in the past and I don’t know why and I can’t seem to really stop thinking about them I just got lost in my head a lot. I ended up explaining that I have a hard time thinking that this is a big deal because I’m like I don’t feel like I’m severe enough to even need treatment because when I think back to like the last time that I left IOP it was like I was throwing up nine times a day and somebody should’ve sent me impatient but they didn’t and even then where I’m like on a criteria level that meets criteria for Severe and right now while I know that I’m underweight I don’t even need the BMI criteria for mild anorexia and she was like that’s not the only criteria that goes into whether or not somebody goes to treatment she was like you know that you have a lot of behaviors that warrant being in treatment and she was like all so you dropped weight so quickly and when you factor that in you know that was what like 1516 pounds pretty quickly and difficulty increasing weight and we’ve been sort of hovering around this point now for over a month. I said I understood and she said that she wants me to call treatment centers and do an assessment and schedule with an eating disorder therapist before our next appointment in two weeks. I was like I don’t mean to be contentious or aggravating but like honestly why do I even need to gain weight like it’s long as I’m eating like 2000 cal a day which is like what I’m doing I mean why does it matter because I was like honestly like my labs came back fine and I haven’t lost my period and I don’t feel like I look sick and I feel fine so it’s like why does it matter why can I just continue at the rate I’m going and if that means really slow weekend then who cares how slow or fast it is if my body is clearly fine and she was like it’s not fine and she said my height and then I definitely need to be eating more than 2000 cal and she was like you’re an active young adult you need to be eating more anyway and then now we are currently trying to restore. You give me a long lecture on restoring weekend and she asked me what I was hearing her say because I was just staring at the floor and I was like basically that I need to eat a lot more in order to gain. She pointed out that I wasn’t really following the meal plan and eating enough. She reminded me that the structure of being inpatient would be helpful with that because I would have to sit there and eat and if I didn’t then I would have to supplement and she was like short of hiring a babysitter to eat with you that’s just not feasible at the outpatient level and so she said she really thinks that I need to be in that higher level of care to at least get some traction going which I was like a Man why I just disappear for a month and then which how do I even manage that because it could be more than a month because Amber scared me and was like laughing about how I would need to be putting on at least like 25 pounds to get to that like healthy middleground ideal weight and so that would definitely be more than one month so what am I gonna call all my clients after one month and be like oh hey by the way I need to stay for an extra two weeks and then into weeks be like oh hey by the way I need to stay for another two weeks can’t give you an ideal timeframe on when I’ll actually be coming back and then when I show up again I’m gonna just magically be 25 pounds heavier and she was like and so what if that was the case and I was like people are going to know and she was like so what if they do that means you are taking care of yourself and I brought up the fact that I have a lot of doctor clients and she was like then they should understand because they are in a position where if they are struggling with something they are supposed to go get help to because if they don’t then what they could have a medical lawsuit when they have a malpractice issue come up because they weren’t taking care of them selves. She said basically if people do you know then that’s a great model for them to recognize that it’s OK for them to get help and I was like I don’t want to be that model of like relapses OK because what kind of message of recovery and hope does that promo and she was like one that says that it’s OK to take care of yourself and take some time away to do that just let people go to therapy at all different points of their life and I was like yeah or it promotes the idea that you could be totally seemingly fine for like three years maybe half assed recovery for one year and then end up in a full-blown relapse and she was like you can hang onto that narrative all you want but you can’t project an answer for your clients you don’t know what they are going to say or think or feel or do you and I was like they might not want a therapist who was actively struggling or they may be mad about it and she was like and then they’ll leave and that’s that but if they have been receiving the quality care that they’ve needed I doubt they are going to change therapists over something like that and if they do so what. She said that I’m hanging onto this narrative that I’m worthless and she was like it’s just not true she was like you need help and that’s OK. I just kind of sat there bordering tears and she said that she could tell that I was sad and she was sorry and I said it wasn’t her fault and she said she knew but she hates that I’m feeling so bad about everything and I just kind of sat there staring at the floor. I said that I get stressed out over the different food groups and not wanting to repeat the same ones and she was like why and I was like I don’t know it’s just like if I’ve already had Allman butter breakfast and I feel like I shouldn’t have been better at lunch because those are basically the same thing and she was like they’re not the same thing and it’s completely fine you could literally have both of those back to back an hour apart if you want it I don’t really care I just want you to be eating like a lot more you can have as much as you want I have giving you permission. I asked her if she had ever heard of the blue zones and she was like yes I know what it is but I haven’t actually read the book and I was like I get so anxious about eating meat because I want to live a long healthy life and she was like youre not eating enough to live a long healthy life and I was like OK but when I think about like actually eating I get so stressed about eating meat because the only thing they found in common with their diets was little to no meat an average of once a week and a lot of beans and legumes and she was like well do you already don’t eat a lot of meat and right now you eat a lot of protein and it’s fine if you want to be eating more beans and legumes but the reality is that right now you are just too underweight to be eating so much fiber and feeling so full all the time and we can’t be on the blue zones diet. If that something you want to shoot for much later on fine but right now we can’t be going that route. She started going over the meal plan and changing the exchange is to increase even more and started writing things down and looking for an exchange sheet that explained sugar is making up one of the green servings because she was like I need you to have 12 g and I was like that’s like 12 slices of bread and a day and she was like well not entirely and when she explained that sugar is counted as a green like maple sera up on pancakes it made a lot more sense. She was like I know I’m overwhelming you in this probably feels like a lot of food and I was like yeah and then a point I had deep side and she mimicked me and I was like I couldn’t help but laugh but I also couldn’t tell if she was joking about the fact that I was being dramatic but I also know that I have a tenancy to deep sigh when I’m feeling really anxious because I don’t pace my breathing well and then I end up having to take a big breath to compensate. At a point I felt myself closing off and I hugged my knees to my chest and normally I keep my feet on the floor because I am fairly cognizant of the fact that that’s clear body language that indicates that you’re closing yourself off but it was like I couldn’t help it and she was like what’s going on you are clearly closing off right now are you feeling overwhelmed and I said can I ask you something and she said sure and I said are you going to stop seeing me without warning if I don’t go to treatment and she was like no absolutely not I never do that to people and she said basically that she’s had it happen once were somebody did that to her but usually people are pretty good about telling her that they are feeling overwhelmed and not ready to do the work or that they need to go to treatment first and then come back out and she was like because you know it’s just a lot of work to do and most people can’t get better from all of this without having to go to treatment because of how hard it is and it’s not that it’s impossible as much as it’s just easier with the right support and she paused and was like why are you worried about that and I was like yeah and then I started to tear up and I explained that Amber had told me that she was going to stop seeing me without warning and she was like no we might have that conversation at some point where if things become so dangerous that it would be unethical to see you at the outpatient level then yes I would need to stop seeing you but that has only happened to me once and thankfully that person did go inpatient after her therapist and I both said we needed her to absolutely go to a higher level of care. She brought up my trip this week and if I had gotten snacks to pack and I said yeah and she asked how I was feeling about it and I said OK and she hoped it would be a good conference and she was excited for me to learn a lot. I told her about how they don’t actually provide meals and so I’ll have to just figure something out because they give you like a two hour gap to go get lunch but there’s plenty of food options there so I’m sure I will figure something out. When talking about treatment she asked what I was thinking about actually going and I was like I mean I’ve thought about it but not seriously considered it and I explained that my parents would be coming in April to visit that first week and pretty much my husband and I basically agreed that if I wasn’t gaining weight by the way in that week with Peggy then we would tell my parents while they were here that I was going to go to treatment again. I don’t member how it came up but I do remember that I said I was like I just wish that everyone would just ignore it like I feel like a not not a big deal and I’m think I was just kind of hoping that with enough time passing that everyone would kind of see that things are fine and just ignore it and she laughed and was like I appreciate the honesty around that and I was like I know it’s not rational but I really just wish that I could go back to everybody ignoring it and not caring. She asked me if I had been this much in denial and minimizing the last time I was in treatment and I was like no and she’s like is it because you feel like you’re so much more at stake this time and I was like I don’t know I think it’s because comparatively speaking like when I think of somebody struggling with anorexia he needs to be impatient I think back more to like the first time and that I even went to treatment and it’s like my husband and I were dating and fighting all the time and a totally different type of fight we would be like my stomach would growl he would insist I was hungry I would adamantly denied that I was hungry and then I would cry and have a breakdown over being given an apple to try to eat and she was like well you’re still having breakdowns and struggling and I was like not in the same way and I explain that like I’m not sitting there obsessively anxious and crying over calories and it feels so different that it’s easy to minimize and be like I’m fine. I walked with her to the copy room where she was making copies of my goals for the week which made me aware that I weirdly felt dizzy and kind of lightheaded although it could be because I actually hadn’t eaten my breakfast with her like we normally do and I don’t know if she just forgot or wasn’t going to push it because she wanted to test me and see what I was going to do I don’t really know about whatever the case I hadn’t eaten with her and I stood there leaning on the table and she was like I know that you’re upset and I just kind of didn’t really say anything and she said you really do need to eat more and I was like but why it feels like everything is honestly fine. She was like is it fine and I was like yeah and she was like I don’t think that’s what everyone else would say and I was like it’s not fine for you or my husband but for me like yeah I feel fine my labs came back normal I haven’t lost my period and it’s like so if I’m healthy then why is it such a big deal to everyone and she was like those are just a snapshot of what’s going on and I was like and the EKG was normal and she was like you’re not fine and I was like it just feels like it is fine. We walked back to her office and I sat down with my paper. She printed me a bunch of blank and meal plans and I said that it might be easier to follow through with it now that the exam will be done after today which hopefully I will pass but then I’ll be able to actually allocate more time to recovery and planning and she was like does that mean that you haven’t been doing the actual meal plan the day before and I was like shook my head and was like honestly no and I explained that once I had missed one it was easier to just keep missing them and I just got so burnt out on trying to make everything work and do it right and I just said never mind and since I was still packing food the night before I kind of just ignored it. She said she wanted me to continue with not exercising and with a not weighing myself. She said that she would be out of town next week for spring break and so we scheduled for the week after

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mothersuperior0622 · 5 years

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Sharing my vulnerability, because I can’t be the only one who feels this way ...

I like to journal when I feel my mind racing. I like to imagine that the rambling words and thoughts in my brain travel to my forehead, down my eyes, slide down my nose and then to the front of my throat. From there they split up and trickle along my collar bones, over to my shoulders and roll down my arms and pour through my finger tips. Afterwards I don’t always feel healed, but sometimes I feel a sense of relief. Or I can literally feel lighter, as though all of these words carry weight and I free them through to travel from my mind, through my keyboard, onto this screen.

I feel like journaling today but i’m not sure exactly what I want to talk about. Which is strange because at this moment I feel like I have a lot on my mind. Which causes my critical mind to accuse myself of being “dramatic” and making mountains out of mole hills. As if the topics on my mind are really not that serious but my brain can’t help but to ruminate over them and cause me to make them bigger than they are. So I like to try this technique I learned in therapy. I picture the image or topic I’m obsessing over and I blow it up in my mind onto a large movie screen. And I separate myself from the thought so that I’m seated in the theater. Now, I shrink whatever is on the screen to the size of a post it note or index card. This experience makes me think of when Nick Carraway says in The Great Gatsby talks about being “within and without, simultaneously enchanted and repelled by the inexhaustible variety of life.” I am in it I am experiencing it; it is happening to me. But sometimes to overcome or understand you need to remove yourself and watch yourself go through it as if you were vicariously watching someone else go through these things. It gives me the opportunity to look at myself and my reactions with an unbiased platform sometimes. I think this is such a simple tool, but such a pivotal one as well.

Many of the topics I tend to obsess over can be draining and many of the “solutions” or “quick fixes” call for medication or relying on others for support. But simple imagery and changing a way of thinking has been so helpful to me. I feel like the media and research and education floods us with so many tools. And it’s exhausting figuring out which one can help you get through the basic everyday. We’re told, “change your diet and exercise,” right? But how long until you figure out a diet program or healthy way of eating that is practical for someone who can’t bring themselves to get up and cook or prepare a plate most days, let alone 3 times a day. And then which diet is good? Which turns out to do more harm then good? And exercise? Let’s assume your depression and anxiety affords you to overcome inertia and get up and get moving. Weight lifting? Great outlet for many people. Yoga and Barre too, fantastic. Spin classes and kick boxing, all have obvious benefits as outlets and rehabilitation. But is there any one that depression and anxiety will allow you to be consistent with? Reading, arts and crafts, all different kinds of hobbies can be therapeutic. But what happens when you find yourself back at square one? Even if all of these things can bring you a sense of calm and peace? What happens if despite your efforts of trying ASMR and essential oils and meditations you still cant seem to grab a hold of your stressful thoughts? Personally, I have become overwhelmed and obsessed with finding the one thing or even few things that can improve how I’m feeling. So what happens when you become overwhelmed with your searching for healing? When you’re so tired of societies views of how to “fix” anxiety and depression? We all have a little bit of each, right? So how do we learn to “live with it?”Do you finally break down and say, “Okay, ill take the medicine.” And for arguments sake, and for the sheer facts that science can support this, say that the medicine works. Am I now dependent on medication to always make me feel better? And let’s not even get into side effects of these medications. Keeping in mind, I work in the medical field and I am so very well aware of the promises of medicine, and do not intend to take away their effectiveness and how well they can work.

I like to think of my anxiety and depression as highly functioning. Meaning that they follow me each day like a cloud. Which sounds really dark and cliche in comparison to the mental image I have when I given these intangible items life-like characteristics. I can usually do all of the things that I need to do, that people need to see me do. Like get up and go to work. Care for my dogs. Sometimes I can’t find a reason or the energy to also eat though, or shower. And when I am functioning in front of others its hard for them to believe that I can struggle with such feelings of sadness and constant fears of impending doom, or rumination over past instances. Until it displays itself in the physical sense such as my ears turning bright red, or my neck and my chest exuding these bright red spots as if my stress is burning through my chest. A lot of times I’m thought to be dramatic. A lot of times people are humbled by this and feel that they can open up to me about their struggles. And even more often, there are the ignorant individuals who offer their sympathy and then in the next breath will tell me, “Stop worrying so much,” and, “Stop trying to control everything.” The issue is that I am so very well aware that I have zero control over what happens to me, and that in itself is nerve rattling for me. There’s a lot of push for “inspirational quotes” and to “stop feeling sorry for yourself” and “your life will reflect the attitude you express.”

However, in my experience, sometimes positive thinking and good vibes aren’t enough to stop the random bouts of panic that come with no warning or reason. That leave you racking your brain for what you could possibly be worried about. And the constant push of awareness and shedding light on things that’s jammed down our throats on shareable posts on Facebook and Instagram creates new worries that I didn’t even fathom before.

I think the main point I want to close with is that there really is no one single trick that works for everyone. That many different tools and resources can be used in conjunction to help maintain our sanity. Life is short and moments are fleeting, the next minute is unpredictable and not guaranteed. So we should eat what makes us happy. We should work out if we want, or not at all and be secure in that. I mean honestly, it would make no difference to me if Instagram influencers never shared another “leg day routine” that I just NEED to try in order to look, feel, and act happy like them. They sell a lifestyle rather than promoting true health. That’s a whole different topic though. Everyone’s journey through anxiety and depression is different, and I think that each person experiencing it should chose their healing tools independent of what society and social media tells us will “cure” us. I don’t see myself as sick, I just like to think of my average life as having more frequent speed bumps than most. So I proceed with caution, but I continue to proceed.

#anxitey #depression #journal

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atsharp · 6 years

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Love Letter #3 - Let go of stories that don’t serve you.

As a keeper of journals, I sometimes go back and skim the monologues of my recent-past self. What I find at turns delights me (I was so worried about that and now look how it all turned out!), bores me (Good God, how many times can you say “he’s so great”?), and makes me want to burn the whole journal out of embarrassment. So many pages are crowded with observations and theories that, at the time, I thought were so wise, narratives that seemed to explain situations, people, pain. Now they just strike me as defensive and small. Here are a few that I’m ready to let go.

“This can’t last”

There is a difference between being in touch with the temporality of things and reveling in it. We get it. All things come to an end. We all meet the same fate and leave this world like we entered it blah blah blah. But allowing this fact to rob you of joy is really just a way to check out of feeling something other than the shame and sadness we’ve all cultivated comfortable brain patterns around.

I noticed that when things were going well, I felt the need to puncture the good feeling with “rational” thoughts like something bad is bound to happen and my luck will run out. I have pages dedicated to all the ways this particular joy will end. Call it negative rumination. Call it performative pessimism. Call it Debbie Downer-ing my own life. I’m letting go of anticipating the worst in order to be right.

“They are just ______”

….assholes…..selfish….using me…..

What begins as a healthy does this person have my best intentions at heart/are they being honest/etc quickly becomes a game of personality Clue in which I try desperately to figure out the motive and means of someone before they hurt me. (Listen, my intuitiveness can easily be highjacked by anxiety and defensiveness. We’re all riding our own horses, ok?)

Having someone figured out meant that I could opt out of continuing to be open, move into a defensive formation, and start searching for confirmation of my assessment. If I was afraid a new boyfriend would break my heart, I’d dismiss him as a fuckboi and look for ways he wasn’t worth it or ways he was already pulling away. If a friend’s success made me insecure, I’d categorize her as full of themselves and find ways they acted too good for my company. This analysis was separate from reality (the bf is great, the friend loves me, etc), but this stance of having “figured them out” was an easy way to protect myself from imagined future hurt by keeping them at a distance.

(Side note: this has worked both ways. I’ve brushed off red flags from people because I was so wrapped up in successfully navigating their toxic behaviors. I had them figured out: they didn’t actually intend any harm when they were mean, they were just immature, obviously. )

“All my emotions are interconnected and require a narrative.”

My first round of therapy left me with a few overarching narratives that helped me understand my behavior. One of them was something like, “I didn’t get enough approval from my parents therefore I seek it from others in my adult life.” For a time, this narrative seems to explain everything about me.

Why am I so upset about that joke my coworker made? Oh, it’s because I’m seeking the approval I didn’t get from my parents.

Why did I snap at my friend? Probably because I’m seeking her approval and she’s not giving it to me.

Why did that tv show make me cry? Well, you know, I’m continually seeking the approval I didn’t feel as a child. (Ok, in the case of Parenthood this actually ~always~ tracks.)

But not every passing feeling belongs in the narrative. Some emotions are just because we’re tired or hungry or emotional, not just because we’re triggered by some deep emotional thread. Hear me out: knowing the nature of your original woulds is very key to self-love. And feeling your feelings is incredibly important. Stuffing them down only makes them fester. But feeling them and thinking about them are two very different things.

Analyzing every single emotion is like trying to measure every single wave that comes in to shore. My job isn’t to know the height, speed, and density of each wave. It might be to pay attention enough to know when hurricanes or tsunamis are happening. But really my job simply to swim.

My journals tell me that I used to think all of these stories were incredibly wise. They seem sad and small now, as I’m sure the journal entry I wrote this morning will feel in a few months. But by then, I’ll be a little different, a little stronger, a little wiser.

I hope you’re letting go of the stories that don’t serve you.

much love,

all.is.on.

#self-care #self-love #journalling #journal #emotions #therapy

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mental-health-advice · 6 years

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Trigger warning. No one believes that I'm suicidal. I am always breaking down and can't handle life. I've even begged for help. I keep hearing to take vitamins or ignore the problem. I don't want to burden anyone anymore. I'm exhausted .. :( what do I do? If no one cares

Hi lovely,

I am so sorry that you are feeling this way right now; it is such an awful thing to be experiencing. I just want you to know that I am really proud of you for reaching out to us for help as I know how scary that must have been! We believe you, and we recognise that you need some support right now, and we are 100% here for you

I do just need to begin by saying that if you take any action to end your life by any means then please contact your local emergency services for immediate help. If you are reaching a crisis point then try to get yourself to a safe place and contact someone who can support you, keep you safe, and take you to the hospital if necessary. You can also always contact a helpline or web counsellor for support.

It is really important the remember that these negative thoughts you are having, are just that - thoughts. You are so much stronger than any of the bad thoughts, lovely, and you are capable of overcoming this! I understand how hard it can be to look into the future and see anything positive when you are currently feeling so low, but I promise you that you can overcome this and there is a positive and happy future waiting for you - so please don’t give up. You can get through this, and we at MHA will be here to support you every step of the way. You and your soul are worth so so much, love.

It may also be a good idea for you to create a safety plan. This is a plan containing all of the things you can do whenever you feel yourself reaching a crisis point. For example, who you can call, grounding techniques and distractions that are effective for you. We have an outline for a plan on our printables page here. Something which you could incorporate into your plan, or make completely separate, is a list of your reasons to stay; this could be tiny things, all the way up to big reasons, but they all count towards why you deserve to stay and find happiness. Here is our list of reasons to stay, maybe somethings on here will give you some ideas. Whenever you feel like giving up, please try to remember the reasons that have made you stay for so long.

I don’t know if there is anything specific which is making you feel like this right now. But if there is, can we start to look at way in which you can change that? Change job? Change where you live? Change medication? It may be worth making a plan everyday of little things that you can start to change for the better in your life, even if this starts with something small like ‘I will go for a 20 minute walk outside today’. It is also important to keep doing all of the things that you know used to, or still do, bring you enjoyment, and try and do them more if you can! Painting? Music? Writing? To start with we just need to find that one thing that makes you want to keep going and get up every morning.

Something I have found to be really helpful when dealing with urges to hurt myself, that you may be able to apply to some of your negative thoughts, is time goals. So whenever you have a thought about hurting yourself, you could start by saying ‘I will not hurt myself for the next 5 minutes’ and after 5 minutes the urge may have passed, but if it hasn’t keep giving yourself 5 minutes until the urge has passed. You could also try giving yourself a certain time frame within the day to think about and process the thoughts - so you can say that between 18:30-19:00 I will think about the thoughts I have been having. This way you avoid ruminating about them for long periods of time and hopefully this means they will have less power over you.

I really do think it would be a good idea for you to reach out to a professional for some support. A good place to start would be your doctor; they can explore possible diagnosis’s with you and will be able to refer you to some more specialist help from a mental health practitioner. I know how hard it can be to admit feelings of suicide or hurting others, but the professionals you see only have your best interests at heart and will help you to explore the most effective treatment(s) for you. You may be offered medication, inpatient treatment, talking therapies, and many other options; it is about working with the professional and finding which treatment will work best for you in your current state. Talking therapy may be a really good place for you to start as a therapist will be able to help you understand your negative thoughts and what is triggering them; further to this, they will hopefully be able to give you some great coping techniques. Here is a link to our page about getting help! I’m sorry that those you have tried to reach out to before have not been understanding, but professionals are bound by duty to help you in any way they can, and the majority of professionals /want/ to help because they care about you. I promise that there are people who believe and will help you!

I hope this has been of some help or reassurance to you. Please don’t hesitate to get back in touch if there is anything else that we can help you with! Remember ‘’fall down seven times, stand up eight’’.

Take care,

Rhiann xo

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philosworkbench · 4 years

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Yes And, A Good No, and the Dangers of Wing-Walking

I did a weird thing for an improviser to do today. I declined an offer.

“No” is something people say every day. Kids say it a lot. I don't have kids; I had cats, and they would often say something very much like no. But in improv, we're taught to say yes. Specifically, when someone on stage with you says something to define the shared fictional reality, we call that “making an offer.” When that happens, you're supposed to accept it and heighten it as far as it will go.

If your scene partner says that you're both monkey space pirates and it's time to capture the frigate of the talking bananas, well then you just better put on your monkey space suit, pull out your monkey space cutlass, and get ready to fight! Is it ridiculous? Of course, it is. (I mean how are you going to pull out your space sword after you’ve already put on your space suit? Stupid monkey pirate!) Nevertheless, you Yes And! It's banana hunting time! Take no banana prisoners! Eat all you kill! #YOLO #LivingThatMonkeySpacePirateLife #blessed

There was this guy with an interesting online tool for facilitators -- bizarrely enough, a different online tool than the one I talked about yesterday. (I’m networking a lot, y’all. And by y’all, I mean cold vastness of Tumblr.)

This guy was ready to make me his U.S. distributor-partner for his product. No buy-in, all commission, and the ripest territory on the planet. Perfect side hustle, if not a full hustle for the right person.

I said no.

It f*cking terrified me.

Beyond the pros and cons of the opportunity and the reasoning for my decision, what most intrigued me was my emotional reaction. I'm not destitute. My spouse and I are okay, even in the midst of COVID. Why did it freak me out so much to say “no”?

Honestly, I think there are a lot of reasons. Here are the ones that kept me up tonight.

Yes And is great medicine if you have the disease it’s meant for.

If your team or entire organization has become a stalled, “no but” culture, work on Yes And. When you and/or the system has become so stable that it's stagnant and momentum towards a vision has become inertia towards change, work on Yes And. When you need to shake things up and create opportunity for positive disruption, work on Yes And.

Cut to 20 years later.

I’ve done Yes And. I’ve taught it a lot. I’ve seen what happens when a room of people have to make a decision and their only experience running things is from a career spent in improv. It has come to me as no surprise that the hypocrisy of the improv community was laid bare by the #MeToo movement. A healthy respect for no is crucial.

This is when some improv people tie themselves in knots. “It’s not that we’re asking people to say ‘no’ to each other, but to say ‘yes’ to themselves.” Fine. Whatever looks good in your Bullet Journal. Even if improv didn’t need a worldwide reckoning around consent, it would still need to learn how to say a “good no.”

A Good No means Listening to your Full Self

To explain this, let’s go back to why we try to break people of “no” when they first start taking improv classes. It’s because their “no” at the time is usually based in fears.

I’m afraid of looking stupid so I say no to anything my partner says -- I just can’t risk it

I’m afraid of not understanding what’s happening so I say no to anything too crazy

I’m afraid of not being funny so I say no to anything to too normal

And, if you squint enough to read between those lines, you’ll see similar fears that show up in almost every meeting at work:

I’m afraid of looking less valuable so I say no to my peers’ ideas -- they might keep mine from being recognized

I’m afraid of putting my name to something that fails so I say no to innovation -- or at least no until we have all the necessary data (because by then the opportunity will have passed and we can blame a lack of good intel)

I’m afraid of not making a name for myself so I no to the simple, no-frills solution that will work, but that no one will notice

These are the bad noes. (These are not the Glengarry noes.)

There’s nothing worse than watching an improviser try to improv while fundamentally afraid of the art form and uncomfortable with themselves. Improv and all theater begins with a fearlessness around “nakedness.” Don’t really get naked when improvising. We get too many letters. Instead, take Peter Brook’s advice from The Empty Space:

“The creative actor also longs to cling on to all he’s found, he too wants at all costs to avoid the trauma of appearing in front of an audience, naked and unprepared—still this is exactly what he must do.” (Brook, 1968, p.142)

It sucks to be naked like this while doing bar-prov in front of a bunch of drunks at 12am, so we teach Yes And. It’s probably not so much “be more naked on stage,” but more, “it’s awkward to try to cover yourself on stage so we’re all going to just keep covering each other. Trust that your partners are there to keep the grossest parts from hanging out.” That’s Yes And.

When improvisers understand that, you start to see them use “no” again. But now, it’s not an awful, awkward, scene-halting “no.” It’s authoritative, exciting, and directional. A good no can be the best yes and. It doesn’t stop the motion, it transforms it.

Back At Work: Good Noes are Good News

Time to read between the lines again, to see how this translates from improv to the boardroom -- by which, of course, I mean Zooming with your team members while you all pretend to be wearing pants.

Once we have a foundation of Yes And, and our default setting is to rally around each other and support each other. Then, revisiting No makes sense. You can bring your full selves to it. You’re not making the “no” choice out of fear.

This is great news because then you can say no with complete candor but also complete support. You can say, “here’s where I’m at right now.” People know where you stand and can factor in your real, honest feedback. If the team knows that everyone on the team gets what “Yes And” means, they can hear “no” in a whole new way.

So why was I so upset about saying “no” today? Like everyone who's ever done therapy, I blame my stepfather.

The First Law of Wing-Walking

Amazingly, it is not, “you don’t talk about wing-walking.” You apparently talk about it a lot, especially while your stepson is growing up in your house.

My stepdad was in Organizational Development. (So, I guess you could say, I’m a “legacy,” or whatever. #NBD) 30 years ago, he would often say, “Matt, remember the first law of wing-walking:

Don’t let go of what you’re holding onto until you’ve got hold of something else!”

Years on the couch. (For other stuff. Not for that.)

I’m in a lot of transition right now. I’m trying to launch a new company. I’m trying to do right by the companies I work for now. And COVID feels like a bad time to be dreaming big, but I am.

But I don’t feel I am holding onto anything. I’m just keeping a ton of different stuff in reach. I haven’t “burned my boats,” and yet, they are drifting further and further from shore. Without me.

I have a beautiful vision for my future, but I haven’t gotten anyone to buy it yet.

And then comes this guy, and he has something to hold onto.

Getting Lost in the Role

One of the best moments in a long-form improv is when you find a truly interesting character that you can consistently play from scene to scene. You “have” them.

The audience is intrigued. You feel good at improv when you play them. And, best of all, you get to stop thinking about who you are for a while. All of your anxieties about “am I good at this? What should I do next?” have to leave a message at the beep. You’re somebody else now. And they’re busy.

But what about when you’re decidedly not getting lost in the role. You just feel “lost.” That’s kind of where I am at right now. Not as bad as the “upside-down,” but definitely the “in-between.”

And here’s this guy, and he has a branded polo shirt with my name on it if I want it.

But I don’t.

I want a branded polo shirt with my own company’s name on it.

And yes, in his mind, I could have absolutely built my own company while I did this for him as a sideline. There were plenty of Yes And reasons why this would have been a great partnership. He helps facilitators. I help facilitators. Except I’m not really helping facilitators yet. I just want to.

Whose Thing is it Anyway!?

So, now I think I can finally come to the point. Sometimes you have to pass up good things.

When you are not sure of your path forward or not confident the path you want will happen, the universe will sometimes send you lifeboats. And you may not realize you’re only saying yes to it because it’s a lifeboat. It’s better than flapping around in the water.

But is that a good Yes?

Is it going to bring you closer to your path forward? Or will it give you hours of distraction so you’ll have the perfect excuse not to move forward? What will you say when you look back?

“Yes, I really wanted to have my own monkey space pirate ship, but while I was building it, another monkey came by and offered me a chance to work part-time on his ship. I figured I’d get back to mine eventually, but I just kept doing so well on his. His is awesome now! As for mine, I don’t know. Maybe when I retire.”

Just writing that has me shaking a little, like an honest-to-god baby panic attack. Not a full-blown attack, but one you would serve around on a tray at a cocktail party.

I was terrified of saying no today because of all the fear of passing up a good thing.

But now, as I reflect on it, having spent the last 1700+ words ruminating on it, I realize that what’s f*cking terrifying is taking a good thing when it’s not actually your thing.

Don’t get me wrong; many of the best accomplishments have been the work of dedicated people working diligently for other people. If you see an organization with a mission you believe in, that treats you right, and treats the world right, jump on that.

But if you know you need to now do something on your own, even if it fails miserably. If you need to pass up the good thing so you can have the space to create your own, do it.

Say a good “no” to the stuff that isn’t truly for you.

Even when it’s terrifying.

#improv #applied improv #business #anxiety #entreprenuership #long reads #monkey #space #pirates

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tiredstarryeyes · 4 years

Text

2011

This is incredibly long overdue. I’ve been meaning to post this for a while now, but fear has always stopped me. It’s a relief to finally feel and hear my voice, regardless if it’s only in written form. Warning: Mention of DV, suicidal thoughts, and depression.

When I was 18, I had a roommate that was in a physically violent relationship. I heard, and at times witnessed these acts, for roughly a year and a half.

I had just moved to Sydney to start my journey as an Actor, and I was scared shitless, broke as hell, and so naive it was pathetic. After a mere few weeks, I was all of sudden thrown into the deep end of adulthood, and faced with the choice of standing up for myself and this victim. It really didn’t hit me at first. The weight of what was really going on. It’s a part of my life that I’ve not talked about, a trauma that eventually chipped away at my psyche, and turned my mental state into mush. It’s safe to say because of this, I now have a love-hate relationship with my past, as it’s something that I will always be in therapy for, but I’m not ashamed to admit the struggle. I’m not the only one in this world who has been through something like this, and definitely not the only one who has been through depression and trauma.

The reason I stayed, was because coming home and starting again, would mean that I had failed. My biggest fear in life. I had planned to move out of home since I was 15. Worked at a crappy part time job for over 3 years and saved every penny I made. People at the bank knew me by my first name, praising me for being so diligent with my money. I auditioned for a school and got in, so did my best friend at the time with hers, respectively. Everything about the plan was put into motion, and then here we were, ready to start our new lives. Thinking back on it, I was just young and dumb and selfish, yet understandably, I was also in shock. Having been so isolated and protected from the harsh realities of the world, then immediately faced with this type of responsibility, I simply could not cope. I’m ashamed to admit I sat in mostly stunned silence until it was over, then just went to sleep. I remember everyone waking up the next morning, exchanging awkward small talk, ignoring the bruises, and pretending nothing had happened. The repercussions of telling my family, and sticking up for myself and this girl all at once, stuffing up my best friends plans as well, was seemingly too much to bare. I had no experience in the latter, so I drowned within the uncertainty of it all. I think I was in denial as well, but I really had no idea what to do, so I simply did nothing.

Sadly, because of this, all good memories of my first apartment, my early 20’s, and living out of home for the first time, are tainted with sounds of screams.

Before I sound like more of a wet blanket, I know that everything happens for a reason, and I’ve made this part of my journey the reason for my strength and resilience, and that’s something to be proud of.

As they they say with trauma, the mind may forget, but the body doesn’t. The PTSD, PTD, anxiety, depression, and emotional triggers that came from this experience, didn’t just go away once I left. Doors were slammed in my face, things were thrown, people were slapped and beaten, furniture was pulled to pieces. It took five years to talk about it without crying, and I still do to this day at times. It’s a trigger for so many things, and I still feel guilty over it. I think I always will to an extent, and I’ve had to work really hard to be at peace with that. If it had affected me this badly to just see and hear it, I can’t imagine what internal struggle and pain was inflicted to the person at the other end of those fists. The aftermath seamed worse than the actual event, and that was a hard thing to accept. I walked around angry for too many years. Too much time wasted hating the world for what was happening to her, how I couldn’t just get over it once I finally bit the bullet and crawled back home. Rather than enjoying my life, like so many people told me to do, I know I let the experience, and my reaction to it, rob those years from me.

I eventually did call the police after a few months, though.

I asked her one morning if she was scared. She said yes. So I kept going with the questions. I asked her if she wanted it to be over. She said yes. I asked her if she wanted to leave this person. She said yes. I asked her if she was afraid. She said yes. I asked her how long it had been happening. It was way longer than I expected or could wrap my head around. I told her that I had heard everything and that I was scared too. She said she was sorry and we both hugged and cried and fell to the floor. I’ll never forget that moment. Two bits of broken pieces finding each other on dirty carpet. A mess of feelings. Both numb and drained at the environment we were in, feeling stuck and desperate to get out. I made a pact with her and told her to scream for me next time things got heated, and when she did, I ran in and got her just as I had promised. We waited in the dark and I called the police. A few weeks passed, and we went to court. I was standing there in front of the double doors, ready to go in, my scripts clutched to my chest for the acting class I’d have to attend afterwards, (because I moved to Sydney to become an Actor, and a court hearing wasn’t going to stop me. That was my thinking process while in the midst of losing my god damn mind, naturally.) standing there willing to testify for what was right, was one of the scariest moments of my life, staring at the judge in the court room, full of other people who didn't give a shit if I was having a meltdown or not, including the police officers, though are we surprised?

Then, sadly, nothing really came of it. Except my $30 check for making an appearance. The officer then gave me their business card and told me to send them an email if I needed anything. Like a fucking email was going to stop someone from getting beaten up? But lol ok you do you boo.

Relationships like that are messy and complicated and don’t make sense unless you’re in it. I get it now in retrospect, as I’ve put up with bad behaviour and my fair share of narcissism from men, so I get how hard it is to break things off.

Boy, do I get it.

I’ve spent the last 9 years of my life putting myself through therapy because of what I didn’t do, because I didn’t reach out, living in fear. When I couldn’t stop ruminating over the guilt and self loathing and self pity of not making better choices, not feeling I was smart enough, good enough, worthy enough of anything in life because I let this happen.

One night, thinking about what happened in that room, I drank too much wine, blacked out, and told my doctor I wanted to go on antidepressants the following morning. I was sick and tired of not feeling like these thoughts were coming from my own brain. It didn’t feel like mine and I didn’t feel like me. I was on them for 8 months.

I can’t deny I’ve never thought about not being here either. What this world, my family, or what my friends would do if I were suddenly no longer here, had started to cross my mind a lot in those days. I don’t have those thoughts anymore, but I have had them clear as day, and it has to be said.

I remember the moment it felt like my thoughts were finally back to how they were before it all happened. That moment in the movie when the character is called too adventure, before it all goes to shit? That alive, happy person full of hope and ambition. I wanted to be her again, and I finally started to recognise the old me in this moment.

I remember breaking down in the shower at the gym, during the fourth day of taking Citalopram. Sobbing happy tears because I finally recognised this thing in my head that was making me think and navigate my consciousness again. Like I had woken up from a bad dream. I literally felt the imbalance of chemicals changing over in my brain, re-wiring itself so I could finally function again.

This memory, is why I am who I am, and I wear my mental illness that at times seams non existent, but at other times is emotionally and physically debilitating, really fucking proudly, and everyone else can as well. Apparently 1 in 7 people in Australia suffer from depression sometime in their life, so this is not a rare occurrence, just a rare conversation topic to be had because of the stigma against mental illness.

It’s 2020. Let’s change that.

I write this because these dark parts are the realest, rawest bits of myself that I relate too more than anything else. They give me strength and drive and motivate me to always do better for my past self who hated herself too much.

Also, not a lot of people may fully understand the fact that I have depression and anxiety, without really knowing the extent, nor how it came about. I guess it’s because I lost my younger years to this very rough and draining experience, so I think I’ll always appear young at heart and seam more innocent and plain than I actually am, as I’ll always feel like I need to make up for all that lost time. Watching everyone else live through their early 20′s so positively. Because I never did, and this may possibly be my anxiety talking, it may affect how people perceive me. In the Acting world, seaming younger than I am has worked to my advantage, but in reality, people may misunderstand and judge me for it, too. I just hope this post will help make people understand why I have not had certain experiences, and to not judge other people if they have been through the same. There is always more to a person. To sound cheesy as fuck, we are all just the tips of the Icebergs above the water, and you may never know what's been endured beneath the surface of someone, or why they are only showing you certain parts of themselves because there’s not a simple answer for it, and that’s not a bad thing. They are not lazy, boring, or inexperienced. I am not an open book, and I don’t care if you can’t find the patience to try and understand why.

Depression, to me, feels like this:

It’s like a dark storm cloud that follows you over your shoulders everyday. I can’t sense it on the good days. But, when it’s there, I struggle to see through the fog and it’s like I’m suffocating or choking. When it’s triggered and starts to rumble, all of a sudden you can feel it tingling down your spine. It’s similar to a foreboding like feeling that is all encompassing and knocks you around, mentally and physically. It’s like a presence that gets more difficult and heavy the longer I ignore it. I usually have an inkling that something has been triggered, even if it’s not obvious right away, and I soon come to know that I have some work to do for myself over the following weeks when I have this certain feeling.

If I don’t have the time to reflect however, (in my case, I was filming for my first TV show a few months ago, and didn’t want to focus on anything but the work, and boy did I pay for it afterwards) the storm always becomes louder and I become more lethargic or more sensitive or angry, and it feels like my limbs are constantly dragging me towards the ground. I’m exhausted when I wake up because my anxiety hits me at night and I can’t sleep. And then the cycle repeats itself and I am, a mess. It can be a very temperamental thing when you’re out of your routine. It’s also hard sometimes to differentiate between having off days and feeling down, which is fine, but then if I’m waking up and realising it’s been a week and I can’t stop crying, that’s a warning sign I’m on the precipice of an episode. I know then that this is the beginning of just a bad few weeks, and I need to figure out how to get out of this dark place in my mind.

The last few months, it’s been my anxiety that’s gone and unsettled me to my core, and after a few sessions of therapy, some Valium, keeping my boundaries up, I’ve mentally been able to reset myself, and can look at life more clearly for what it is.

This year has been stressful for the entire planet, but I think it was probably a mixture of self doubt, paranoia, staring at the age of 30, maybe, and feeling more isolated than I actually am because of covid. Many reasons I’m sure I’ll figure out later, but I stopped crying a few weeks ago, and don’t feel down anymore, so it’s going to be a good month rather than a hectic one. There’s also a lot to look forward to as well now, and positive thinking is feeling less like a chore. (You know you’re out of the storm when feeling happy ain’t draining! Am I right!)

One thing that has helped is the BLM movement here in Aus, and connecting more to my heritage. Unpacking my childhood in relation to that is going to take a bit more strength, but I know more about my people at this point in my life then I ever have before, and it’s helped shaped my identity and made me feel more closer to myself. I know now, it may always feel like there are missing links to an eternal puzzle that may never be completely put together, or understood. But, I know that's not my fault. It’s because of what this country did to my people. Their voices were taken, their lives erased and destroyed, and thus, were not given to me to learn about and pass on like other generations had the privilege of doing.

I feel like we are louder and stronger than ever before, but that’s probably because we have had no choice and have never given up.

At times, all I can do is read about them online, listen to my friends stories who have lived with culture around them, watch our movies, read our books, and feel something I cannot name. That’s not to say I have not experienced racism. I have, and do and always will, and I already feel fear for my future children because it is inevitable. But, I find comfort from the fact that I know this essence of myself has been, and is always going to be there inside me to help make me strong. No matter who I am or what I become, my Aboriginal identity will always be something I can treasure and protect and claim no matter what someone may think of me. I can talk to my ancestors however I want, defend my people whenever I want, because it is no one else’s journey but my own.

#depression #warning #anxiety #wordvomit

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