#i need to leave but just thinking about being myself for decades makes me want to throw up

[merp-blerp]

TW: Discussion of sexual assault and suicidal ideation

I've been seeing some debate about Calypso and whether or not she sexually assaulted Odysseus and I want to throw in my two cents.

I'll say straight out of the gate that I don't currently like her much. I feel pretty icky about her personally.

Comparing Ody's behavior in Epic prior to "Love in Paradise" vs during the song feels so... clearly different. He seems very traumatized by whatever has been happening on that isle. It almost feels out of character for him to consider dying instead of fighting to get home alive like he had been, but putting myself in his shoes I can see how he came to that through what's textually known. He has been trapped on that isle for 7 years—that's nearly a decade, with no way to get out, everyone he knows and loves dead or far away with no way to know where he is or if he's alive. While I obviously would never think that's a good decision, I can see how he got to the point of wanting to end it. And if he's been sexually assaulted like he was in The Odyssey, I understand it more due to how that can warp a person's mental health.

I've seen some say, "Calypso is just a sweetie who doesn't know how to love properly" (paraphrasing of an actual comment I've seen). Even if she really just doesn't know how to care for a mortal, as many of the gods seemingly don't, I think she understands her power over mortals with her "Bow down now to the immortal Calypso" comment. She also understands that Odysseus doesn't want her, with the first part of her response to Ody's threats being "Oh handsome, you may try". She knows that he may try to escape by killing her (even though she can't die). Honestly, why would she feel the need to trap him if she didn't know good and well that he would want to escape her? She knew what she was doing was something that would make him want to run. Calypso being a goddess automatically gives their dynamic a power imbalance of course. Even though the assault is only implied, the fact that she's trapping Ody against his will, super infatuated by him, and still says "Soon, into bed we'll climb and spend our time", makes me feel like the indication is clear. What's stopping her from trying to have "sex" with him (sex isn't sex without consent)? She's already ignored all his declines. She seems to think that forcing her "love" onto him will make him love her. Yes, she uses lovey-dovey language so I doubt it would've appeared violent, but sexual assault doesn't have to look violent and the perpetrator doesn't have to appear aggressive. It's telling that I've seen some say, "Save that energy for Antinous" because Antinous is much more obviously bad, but this kind of thing isn't always obvious. That kind of assault is still extremely traumatizing whether it's sugarcoated as if it's love or not. It's dismaying that some reactions to Calypso bypass her potential assaulting or "She's weird, but she seems to care for him!" And since the sexual part of the assault is technically subtext (for now, who knows about later), I'll say that even if Calypso didn't sexually harm him, she still forces physical and verbal intimacy onto him and traps him so he can't leave. We see that. That's still assault. The only reason why I don't feel similarly about Epic's version of Circe is that her intent wasn't to have sex with Ody but to distract and throw him off with talk of sex so she could stab him as he's vulnerable; Circe never wanted to have sex with Ody in actuality. Calypso's intent was romantic intimacy and she didn't care if Odysseus said no, she completely bypassed it. Calypso saying "You're mine, all mine" feels as threatening as Circe's "I've got you" was meant to be.

Anything can change between now and the next two sagas. It could either be fully confirmed or denied that sexual assault took place. I actually don't expect either, as I don't think Jay would go too deep into such a traumatic concept in Epic, but then again I also didn't expect suicidal ideation to be brought up at all and it absolutely shocked me when it was, so I could be wrong. But whether it's confirmed or not, I don't blame any Epic fans who don't like Calypso or even hate her over what she did and what it's implied she did. It's icky watching some fans tell others they shouldn't hate Calypso because of this or that as if this isn't a sensitive and complex topic. It's creepy. I don't think we should tell people not to hate a character associated with sexual assault. The sexual assault might be subtext, but subtext is important and sometimes is implemented intentionally. Not every part of a story is going to be given to you at face value. Just because "Epic didn't say that" doesn't mean that the implication doesn't matter. People interact with stories in different ways, so you can disagree with others—no one can take that from you, but you don't get to tell someone they can't feel a certain way about a character. I don't like saying this because I really shouldn't have to put it in this perspective for it to be understood, but I can't help but feel like if Calypso and Ody's genders were swapped some people would treat this implication differently. Sexually or not she hurts him.

Normally I don't like taking lore from The Odyssey and automatically applying it to Epic, as Epic has changed a lot of rules from The Odyssey because Jay wants to tell this story his own story. For example, I personally choose not to assume Eury and Ody are brothers-in-law in Epic like they are in The Odyssey because that hasn't been stated in Epic so far. But to me, the implications of Ody's sexual assault are there enough for me personally to think that it might take place in both stories. Jay seems to want Epic to be accessible to many people, so it doesn't surprise me that this element of The Odyssey was brought up in a more subtextual/"hinted at" way.

Calypso is a very interesting character, maybe the most out of all the Epic antagonists so far for me, but we don't have to think of her as not doing anything wrong in order to enjoy that character, her songs, her cute physical character design, or Barbara Wangui's beautiful voice.

[The remainder of this post contains potential spoilers for the unreleased (to date) Vengeance Saga under the cut]

Another defense of Calypso I've seen is that in the snippets for "I'm Not Sorry for Loving You", Ody says he loves Calypso, but not in the way she wants him to. This could mean they're friends and therefore doubt about the sexual assault could be cast.

It's hard to assess this because the saga's not out yet, but it's worth remembering that abuse can come out of care, in a complicated way. You can care for someone so much you end up hurting them, usually out of wanting to control them. Calypso seems to fit that concept. And most Epic snippets don't give full context, naturally, so who knows why Ody says this at the moment. Maybe he means it, or maybe he's bluffing to guarantee he'll get what he wants (which is to be set free in this instance), like when meeting Athena, or to appease a god, like when "apologizing" to Poseidon in "Ruthlessness". And of course, victims don't have to hate their perpetrators if they choose not to. Odysseus can care about Calypso and she can still have hurt him really badly. Both of these things can be true.

The way I read it, Calypso doesn't love Odysseus like she thinks she does. She's infatuated by him and cares for him enough to not be obviously cold like all the other obstacles Ody faced initially are. She declares that she loves him as soon as he wakes up on her isle without knowing him at all. She didn't even know his name. The washed-up person on her isle could've been anyone and she likely would've "loved" them. Calypso only loves Ody because he stops her loneliness, not for who he is. When she begins to state that she loves him she doesn't even know him. Over the 7 years, she seems to have potentially gotten to know him a bit, saying "I know your life's been hard", but Odysseus himself asserts that she doesn't really know what he's been through. You can call someone (against their will, let me remind you) "my dear, my love for life" all you want, but that doesn't mean you love them. Ody's her first companion in years if not ever, of course she cares for him on a basic level. She won't kill him or let him jump off a cliff. But she doesn't love him or treat him like a human and obey his boundaries and wants. She treats him like an object or pet she owns and has to guard.

In "I'm Not Sorry For Loving You" Calypso says that Ody is all she's ever known because she was abandoned. It's understandable that she would latch onto a living creature after being alone for so long. But that's not necessarily love, at least not to me. If I love someone I wouldn't bypass their refusal to do something. And I wouldn't trap them with me and not let them go, even when they're about to jump off a cliff because they see no way out. I'm not sure if Calypso means to bring malice, she at least says she "bring(s) no pain", but she does regardless or if she intends to. Calypso hasn't had anyone in her company, let alone someone to love, for so long, maybe in her whole life. That's why she doesn't know what love is, so of course when she catches fickle feelings for Odysseus she assumes that's love and has no clue what to do with her "love", as she admits in "I'm Not Sorry For Loving You". Calypso's actions are understandable, but that doesn't mean they're excusable or not abusive. What she does to him is understandable, but selfish and only serves herself, which isn't what you do to someone you love. Note that the way I use understandable here does not equate to forgivable, it just means conceivable. And her apology to him really waters down the magnitude of her actions, saying she "pushed" him, "came on too strong", and that her love might've been "too much" for Ody.

I apologize for this being such a long rant, but I wanted to cover all the excuses for Calypso I'd seen and speak my mind on why I think they're misguided at best.

[harrystylesfan2686]

Battle

Pairing: Rhysand x Reader

Summary: You and Rhys talk things out after he refuses to let you go into hybern war.

A/N: hehe First Rhysand fic. I love this. Also I'm so bad at writing titles you guys I swear. Please tell me a better title so I can change this one.

Masterlist

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"Are you kidding me?!" You yell the second you enter Rhysands tent, knowing full well the anybody outside can easily here but you don't care.

"You ordered Azriel not to send me out?" You were in the middle of a battle and apparently you High Lord had told his shadowsinger not to give his second in command any assignment.

It only fuled your anger when he answered without looking at you,"Yes I did."

"Do you realize how embarrassing that was for me?"

"Embarrassing?"

"Yes!"

"That's what you're thinking about? How embarrassing it was for you?" His displeasure clear in his voice.

"Yes! Everyone had positions, everyone had tasks and I was just standing there with nothing as my Spymaster told me to stay back because the High Lord ordered him so." The mock in you voice makes him look at you, finally leaving the papers.

"I didn't sent you because I don't want to endanger you. I don't want be on that battle field and worry about you every second. I don't want to be wondering if you are safe or laying there in the pile of bodies where I probably wouldn't be able to find you. So I apologise, if it embarrasses you to stay where you are safe but I wont-," His voice cracks. "I can't see you in danger."

Oh.

The realisation flared your eyes and you look down in an attempt of hiding you surprise.

The two of you had been kind of a pair before he got stuck under the mountain. You loved him, still do but never told him because how can a High Lord love a mere spy like yourself. The two of you were clearing interested in each other before you got the news that he is stuck with Amarantha.

You wanted to go after him, to save him but Azriel had strictly denied you to do so. And when he finally came back, after fifty years, you thought maybe he had moved on. There was no way he could still be interested in the same person after five decades, only you were stupid enough to do so.

So you didn't do anything about it, only keeping things strictly profession after he came back. Until now.

The two of you were silent for a few minutes before he sighed and said in a tone a lot calmer than before,"I'm sorry I shouldn't have talked to you like that."

He puts in hands one his face, resting his elbows on the desk table in front of him, refusing to look at you anymore. You don't know what to say, so you just say the first thing that comes into your mind.

"I thought you and Ferye were..." You trail off, wincing as he looks at you, his expression making you regret your words.

"No, no. We are just allies, that's all. Friends maybe but not anything more." He looks physically ill at the thought of them together and your lips curl upward a little. He then again looks down, can't seem to look at you for more than a minute.

You slowly walk upto him, standing beside him and turning him around by his shoulders to look at you. "Rhysand, I understand that you fear for me but I'm Azriel's second, I can look after myself. I mean being the Spymaster's second has to mean that I'm good at surviving, right?"

His violet eyes look for your reaction as he gently tugs you to him, when you dont push him away, he hugs you. You now stand between his legs, him sitting gives you a small advantage of hieght and he rests his forehead to your chest, wrapping his arms around your waist, he sighs. "I just don't want to lose you."

His voice melts you, sounding so small and vulnerable, turning every thought in your head about him. Your hands lift to wrap around him too, one resting on his shoulders and the other gently running fingers through his silky hair.

"I'm going to be alright, Rhysand. You are too, we are going to need every help we can get in this war. And I can't just sit hear worrying about you all, while you go fight for your life out there. I'm a big girl, Rhys, I can handle myself."

He sighs and you know you've won this argument. He lifts his head to look at you with the most serious expression he can master and says,"Fine. But if something happens to you out there, I'm bringing you back, screaming and kicking, even on my shoulder if you don't listen. I'll even tie you to the bed if I have to."

"Promise?" You smirk.

His eyes narrow,"Yes and I'll fuck you senseless after as a punishment for not listening to me."

You laugh, silently agreeing because you're looking forward to doing that either way.

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[furiousgoldfish]

I had a conversation the other day, with a person who seemed to have some respect for me, but couldn't understand why I'm still having trauma symptoms, and can't be normal already. I took it as a chance to try and explain my symptoms, but it seemed to fall on deaf ears;  I was told I just needed to tell myself that 'I am a new person now', and forget about the past. The person then explained to me how they weren't always the same person either, and they would sometimes cringe at their behaviour in the past, but then they would be proud of themselves for being smarter and more reasonable today. I couldn't quite explain to them that my situation was not the same.

They gave me various suggestions like 'just don't think about these things anymore', and 'these people are not going to hurt you anymore', which I strongly doubted was true. I tried to explain that I am not purposefully thinking about it; in fact, I was doing everything to avoid it. But with intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, nightmares, and the symptoms of the dissociative disorder, I had no control over it, the past was at my throat, holding me and unwilling to let go. I could tell that they still believed I was doing it on purpose, holding on and refusing to stop living in the past.

I very rarely get a chance to talk to someone about anything trauma related, so I was originally grateful that anyone was even showing an interest at 'attempting to help me', but later when I thought about the entire thing, I got pissed off.

Firstly it doesn't make any sense for me to be 'normal', in any timeline, regardless of how much time has passed. You can't have a person living first few decades of their life in belief that their life is worthless, in environment where they're getting locked up, beaten, humiliated, tortured, threatened with death, brainwashed to believe they're not human, severely neglected, and without any kind of genuine caretaker or a parent. And then leave it to this person to 'deal with it alone', never getting any help, never even getting reassured that what happened to them was wrong. That is complete abandonment by human society, and I find it sick and twisted that this person should be expected to adhere and integrate into society afterwards, for what? This person will logically feel betrayed, untrusting, bitter, feral and unnacepting the society's standards, especially their standards for victim blaming and ignoring abuse. Society continually fails these people expects them to 'fix themselves' so nobody would feel uncomfortable about it.

Secondly why is it up to me to change as a person? I am not like this because 'I was not a good enough person', I am not the one who needs changing. I am good as I am. It's worse that after being failed in every aspect, I am now being seen as the one in 'the need of change', for not acting normal and being haunted by my past. I am not hurting anybody! I am the only one suffering from this. God forbid my reality leaves someone uncomfortable, I better try to hide it better. Which I actually do unless sometimes is actively asking me about it.

And the last bit of my anger is about making it seem like the actual problem is 'me holding onto the past', and not my life being severely different and harmful in a way that isolates me from other people. I don't have the same formative experiences other people had. I don't remember being cooed at and hugged, I don't have endless experiences of being taught that I'm important, that someone will care and intervene when I'm in pain, that the figures of mother and father are safe, warm, comforting and reliable. That childhoods are a positive and fun part of life. That families work as an environment for children to be raised on. I don't have the experiences that formed all other beliefs that this culture holds, I hold nothing sacred that is sacred to everyone else, I don't believe in the authorities, I don't believe in family, I don't rejoice with holidays, I don't want children, I don't trust religion, I feel contempt towards capitalism, I don't relate or connect to people who are receptive to any of it.

And it turns out I'm right to feel as I do. Because people in this society will actively come to me asking me to 'stop being like that', while never asking any abuser to 'stop being like that'. Victims who make them uncomfortable can be spoken down to, should be told to stop being traumatized, even in private, while the abusers just need to be 'ignored' and 'hopefully they stop doing it'. What a great plan. Surely it will fix everything.

Humane thing to do would be to approach me with awareness that I've been treated like a worthless creature and address it and allow me to act genuine about it. If I'm still feeling betrayed, abandoned and outcast from society, I should be able to express that. I deserve to react with genuine responses rather than this insane preformance art I have to do every single day to make sure nobody else is aware or uncomfortable by my peril.

[saphronethaleph]

Outside the Throne Room

RK-T glanced over at GD-S.

“So…” RK began.

“Ssh!” GD replied, sharply. “Keep your mouth shut! You know the boss doesn’t like us to, you know, appear human in any way.”

“Boss isn’t here,” RK replied. “Well, he’s here, but he’s not here here. He’s on the other side of that door.”

“He could come out of that door at any time, you know that,” GD said. “We’re supposed to be silent and intimidating. And red.”

“Dude does like red,” RK mused.

He frowned, behind his mask. “Though… I actually wanted to ask. Why exactly do we exist?”

“What are you getting at, man?” GD replied. “We’re… imperial guards. We guard… the Emperor. Literally our only job. It’s in the description.”

“That’s what I’m getting at,” RK said. “We’re imperial guards, and in there right now with the boss is a Jedi. Like… the first one there’s been in decades.”

“Nah, there’s loads,” GD shrugged. “There were like twenty thousand Jedi, you’d never catch all of them.”

“Still, you get my point, right?” RK asked. “Vader goes in there with a Jedi, and the boss tells us to leave.”

GD shifted slightly, his force pike humming. “He’s the boss,” he pointed out. “His word is law. In fact I think his word is imperial dictat which is even more certain than a law, you know.”

“Not what I’m getting at,” RK replied. “He told us to leave. Literally. That’s the biggest threat possible, a rebel Jedi, and he’s told us to leave. And, what’s more… you’ve got to have thought about this yourself, but the boss is also… the boss. Most of the time he doesn’t need bodyguards… it’s not like he’s going to need us to stop him from being beaten to death by a mob, he could just electrocute them all.”

“That… is true,” GD admitted. “Now you’ve got me wondering why we exist at all. Thanks.”

“Sorry,” RK said. “I thought you’d have an answer.”

“Well, I don’t,” GD said, a bit snippishly.

The two red-clad guards stood in silence for a long moment.

“Maybe I should check on him,” RK suggested, and flicked on his comlink.

Then, a few seconds later, flicked it firmly off again.

“Well?” GD asked.

“Boss told the Jedi to kill him,” RK reported. “Then I heard the sound of a lightsaber and the boss laughing. So… I’m going to assume that any kind of, fighting noises or whatever, are his plan.”

GD sighed.

“It would be so much easier to do our jobs if the boss told us about this sort of thing,” he said.

Another pause resulted, this one longer and more awkward.

“Ever wonder if maybe our purpose is just eye candy?” RK suggested. “Looking good while the boss is doing something?”

“That’s depressing,” GD muttered. “But, yeah, that checks out.”

He looked at his force pike. “It’s not like these weapons are going to be much good for actual bodyguarding…”

“They can do the stun thing,” RK pointed out. “There is that.”

“Yeah, which is short ranged and really awkward,” GD answered. “I think I’m coming around to your point of view. If we were supposed to be proper bodyguards we’d have blasters.”

Silence returned, curling around and around like a cat preparing to settle in for a nice nap.

“...seen any good movies lately?” RK asked, eventually.

“This is doing great at maintaining the mystique,” GD groused.

“Do you see anyone to care?” RK replied. “Myself I actually thought the latest Starflare holodrama was good.”

“Isn’t her husband Baron Fel?” GD said, then shook his head. “Great, turns out my weakness is gossip.”

“If it’ll make you feel better, I’ll check in on the boss again,” RK offered, reaching up to flick on his comlink, then turned it off again. “Yeah, he’s fine.”

“Fine?” GD repeated. “Is that a proper report?”

“All right, all right, I heard several seconds of someone screaming, then the boss said ‘and now, young Skywalker, you will die,’” RK informed his coworker, copying the Emperor’s voice as best he could. “Is that enough of a report for you?”

“Yeah, whatever,” GD said. “Sounds like he’s having fun, at least… sounds like he might nearly be finished, though. So no time for gossip.”

“Whatever,” RK sighed.

Silence came back for the encore, and the two Red Guards stood either side of the door, defending someone who didn’t need defending from the absolutely nothing that might threaten him.

Then the door hissed open, and Darth Vader came through.

So did the Jedi, supporting Vader on his shoulder, and RK and GD both stared.

“...um,” RK began. “...halt?”

“He’s with me,” Vader replied, his voice strained.

“Where’s the nearest shuttle bay?” the Jedi asked.

RK and GD both pointed, completely unsure what to do, and the Jedi and Vader hobbled off down the corridor.

“Wonder what that was about,” GD said, eventually.

“Attention all decks!” a panicked voice said. “Attention all decks! Rebel fighters have entered the Death Star, they’re headed for the reactor, we can’t stop them!”

Two blank red masks gazed at one another for several seconds, then RK and GD bolted for the shuttle bay.

[ladykailitha]

Sweet Home Indiana Part 8

I have finished the story (at long last! sheesh I can't believe how long this took me to get it done) and it has 10 chapters. And it has the happiest of endings. I couldn't stop smiling the whole time I was writing it.

Things appear hopeless, but Eddie and Chrissy start to find allies in their plight.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7

****

Eddie woke up the next morning to a pounding head, an aching heart and signed divorce papers.

Of the three things the divorce papers were the worst.

So he did the only thing he could do in that moment, call Chrissy.

“Eddie!” she greeted. “I kinda expected a call before today. You know, being your fianceé and all.”

“Shit, Chris!” he murmured. “Is there someone there?”

She hummed her response.

“It been so hectic around here,” Eddie admitted. “And there was the fact that Steve wouldn’t give me a divorce.”

She sighed and he suddenly realized who was with her. “Come out here, tell them that we decided to have the wedding out here in Hawkins because that’s where all my family is. See if you can’t get an extension to plan the wedding.”

“Hold on, cher,” she murmured and put her hand over the speaker. He could hear her clearly but anything he said would be muffled.

Eddie stared down at the papers in his hand with a shattered heart. He could grieve once Chrissy’s dragon was slain.

A minute or so later she came back on.

“Okay, they’ve given me to the end of the month,” she said with a sigh of relief. “Just say the word and I’ll be down there in a flash.”

Eddie waited another moment or two before he said, “Are you alone now?”

Chrissy muttered, “One moment.” He heard the ding of the elevator door open and the sounds of a busy reception hall, then the sounds of a busy street.

She called for a taxi and once the door was closed behind her, she said, “All right, babe, what’s the problem.”

He opened his mouth to tell her but he just broke down.

“I–I thought I was happy in Seattle, but I’ve never felt more alive since coming back here. Seeing old friends, cruising familiar streets. It feels like home. When I first left I didn’t think there was anything in that town that would make me happy.” He let out a shuddering breath and ran his fingers through his hair. “I–I knew that the kids would all leave and they have. But Wayne is still here. Steve and Robin, too. The town has gotten softer. Something I never thought possible. I saw three same sex couples just vibing.”

He choked back a sob. “I thought everything I ever wanted was in Seattle and this trip was just about closing the doors that I left hanging open. Bu–but, oh god!” He threw his head back and covered his eyes. His lips quivered as the pain in his heart spread out through his chest. “Steve is still the one. I know, I know. I talk a lot of shit about love and there not being one person out there who’s your soulmate. but God, Chrissy. He’s it. I felt more myself the last three days then have the last five years.”

He let out another choking sob. “I don’t know what to do. He is like that first ray of sunlight after weeks of storms.”

“Oh, Eddie...” she cried.

“He signed the papers,” Eddie murmured. “And now I wish he hadn’t. I want to just tear up the papers and set fire to them. But I can’t do that to you. I won’t.”

“Sweetheart, I’m so sorry. Tell me what I can do and I’ll do it.”

He just sobbed and sobbed, forcing through the words that would tell her what he needed.

“Let me make a couple of phone calls, okay?” Chrissy said before hanging up.

Eddie murmured his thanks and then let her go. His brain went on autopilot and found himself on the pavement in front of the post office.

He stared at the mailbox in front of him in abject horror.

He had put the divorce papers in the mail and didn’t sign them himself.

****

Chrissy sighed. It was hard on Eddie she knew. He had spent the last decade running from himself and now he was face to face with the best parts of his past, not understanding why it felt so good.

She opened the file on Eddie’s divorce, the annulments had gone through just fine. It was just that one marriage.

She found what she was looking for and dialed the number.

“Sweetie’s Treats,” the female voice said in a faux cheerful customer service voice. “This is Robin what I can I get for you today?”

Chrissy took a deep breath and let out slow. “Hey, I’m Chrissy Cunningham, Eddie’s fianceé. I sorry, but I really need to talk to Steve.”

“Yeah...” Robin said. “No can do.”

Chrissy rubbed her her temple in frustration. “Eddie called me this morning in a hell of state and I just want to talk to Steve. It’s not anything bad, I guess I want to meet the person who has Eddie’s heart.”

“Yeah, I get that,” Robin said, “you can’t talk to him right now because he is working with the large stand mixer.”

Chrissy immediately pictured a KitchenAid mixer and huffed out her frustration. “Can’t he step away from it for a moment?”

“Sorry, no can do,” Robin said tersely. “He’s pouring in the sugar and has to put it in at specific intervals.”

Her temper was fraying with every passing moment with this woman. “Can I call his cellphone and you can hold it up to his ear?”

There was a bark of laughter. “That would also be a no. That thing has eaten three cellphones already and I’m not about to feed the beast another thanks.”

Chrissy blinked for a moment. “Just how big is this mixer anyway?”

This time the laughter was less bitter and more genuine.

“The size of a fifty gallon drum.”

“Oh!”

Robin cackled. “Yeah, when you have to make two hundred cookies, you aren’t going to be using a little electric hand mixer.”

“What kind of cookies?” she asked before she realized what was coming out of her mouth.

“Snickerdoodles,” she said, her grin evident even through the phone.

Chrissy shook her head. She was on a mission, damn it. She wouldn’t let let herself be distracted by baked goods!

“Okay,” she said, shoring herself up for a battle. “How about I talk to you and tell him what I said?”

“Sure,” Robin said. “I wouldn’t mind getting to know the girl who was the cause of Eddie’s bi awakening.”

Chrissy licked her lips slowly. “So about that...”

There was silence on the line long enough that she pulled the phone away to make sure the call was still connected.

“Are you his beard?” came the quiet reply. “Is this a lavender wedding?”

A little bell went off above Chrissy head. Oh. Maybe this wasn’t as hopeless as she thought.

“Yes,” she said, biting the bullet. “But not in the way you think.”

She could almost picture the head tilt of the bird on the other end of the line when Robin said, “Oh? Do tell.”

“Give me a second,” Chrissy said. “My taxi just pulled up to my apartment and I need to pay the driver.”

“Sure.”

Chrissy paid the man and hurried up to the stairs to her apartment, she fitted her keys into the lock and tossed her purse and keys on the table next to the door.

“So here’s the sitch,” she said flopping on her sofa with a heavy sigh.

****

Eddie opened the little door on the front with wide eyes. The door prevented people from sticking his hand in and grabbing it. He grabbed his hair.

“Fuck, fuck!” he cried. This day kept getting worse and worse. He opened the door again, hoping he could see a way to disable it.

He probably could, given the right tool. But as he was looking a little too closely another person walked by and eyed him suspiciously.

“Shit!” He looked down at himself and let loose a string of more colorful curse words.

Eddie looked like he was about to knock off the mailbox and make off with several felonies worth of someone else’s mail.

He was going to start crying again. He gripped his hair tightly as he paced back and forth.

He felt a hand on his elbow and he wasn’t be ashamed to say that the shriek that came out of him was the most emasculating sound in existence.

“Eddie,” Jonathan said. “Shit! I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Once Eddie had landed back on his feet like the scaredy-cat he was, he whirled around to see the oldest Byers boy looking at him with such concern.

“Hey, Johnny,” he breathed. “I’m sorry. God, today is the worst.”

Jonathan huffed a laugh. “You know, you are the only one I’ve ever met who doesn’t call me Jonathan.”

Eddie blushed. “I call everyone nicknames. I can stop if you want.”

Jonathan shook his head. “It was an observation, not a criticism.”

“Someone’s been hanging out with Nancy Wheeler a little too much,” Eddie huffed, already feeling better in the quiet presence of this man.

Jonathan threw his head back and laughed. “I hope so, we’re getting married next year.”

Eddie snapped his fingers. “That’s right. You did tell me that. Shit, man it feels like a life time ago.”

“You still love Steve, don’t you?” he said gently.

Eddie opened his mouth to deny it, but snapped it shut. He waved his hand at the mailbox. “It doesn’t matter. He signed the divorce papers, but my dumbass forgot to sign them too. So I need to get them back, but I don’t how.”

Jonathan smiled and then held up one finger. He went into the post office and five minutes later came out with his mom who carried the biggest key chain he’d ever seen.

“Hey, sweetheart,” Joyce greeted softly. “Let’s get this back for you.”

Eddie told her what it looked like and who it was addressed to.

After a little bit of searching, she turned around with the manilla envelope and handed it back to him.

“Next time,” she said with a smile. “Just come in and ask and we’ll be happy to grab it for you.”

Eddie nodded, clutching it to his chest and thanking her profusely. He took Jonathan out to lunch for the rescue.

They took it and sat on a park bench away from everyone else.

“Thanks for the gallant rescue, man,” Eddie said around his bite of his sandwich. “I was going to have a full blown breakdown right there on Hawkins Main and it wouldn’t have been pretty.”

“It’s no problem,” Jonathan said. “I’m glad it worked out.” He nodded to the papers on the table between them. “You going to sign them?”

Eddie let out a long sigh. “I have to.”

“You keep saying that,” he huffed. “But I don’t think you do. Shit, Eddie. I saw you and him at the carnival and it was like time travel. Like I was transported back a decade when you were both happy and free. He had his face buried in those stuff animals you’d won for him and you looked at him like he’d hung the moon.”

Eddie shook his head. “Look, you can’t tell anyone about this. It’s technically a crime. But it’s the only choice we have. Chrissy was here on a school visa from Barbados and she usually gets a work visa for the summer. Only there was a mix up and she didn’t get her work visa and her school visa is for while she’s at school. Which considering it was only for three months, I figured as long as she didn’t say anything to anyone, she could skate on through.”

“I’m guessing that’s not what happened?” Jonathan pressed. He took a bite of sandwich and nudged Eddie to eat.

Eddie took another bite, but really didn’t taste it. He choked it down around the bile in his throat. He shook his head.

“She works at a law firm,” he said mournfully. “Their HR department found out pretty much immediately. They, of course, alerted Immigration and was told to find another way to get a visa or be sent back to Barbados.”

“Hence getting the married?” Jonathan suggested.

He nodded. “We can’t let anyone know, because then we could get into trouble for fraud or whatever. I do love her, but not like that. Not like Steve.”

Jonathan huffed a laugh. He was silent for a moment and then shook his head sadly. “He went up to Seattle, you know.”

Eddie’s head snapped up. “What? When?”

“Right after you settled up there and started tattooing,” Jonathan said, scratching his chin thoughtfully. “He was there for a week. I think he went up there to ask you to come home. But when he found you, he also found a large city and a friendly LGBTQ community and he just couldn’t bare to ask you to return to homophobic Hawkins.”

Eddie’s lip quivered. He hadn’t known. His head spun as his world tilted off its axis.

“When he came back, he couldn’t really tell Robin the truth,” Jonathan continued. “That he couldn’t get up the courage to even see you closer than through the windows of the shop. So he told her he couldn’t find you and then vowed to make something of himself. Something you could be proud of.”

Tears slipped down Eddie’s cheeks and he pressed his hand to his mouth to keep the whimper that tried to escape between his teeth.

“The bakery...” he murmured.

Jonathan nodded. “Him and Robin starting working there together like they always do, to help save up for her to go to college.”

Eddie smiled, a weak, wet, little thing, but it was there. Steve and Robin, two peas in a pod. They always worked together since the summer after Steve graduated and Robin was about to start her senior year. They had worked at an ice cream parlor in the mall. When it burned down just a couple of months later due to shoddy workmanship, they had forged a friendship in literal fire.

“They weren’t intending to make it a permanent thing,” Jonathan continued, breaking into his thoughts. “But Steve’s good. He took a shop that only barely keeping itself in the black and made it into the thriving thing you see today.”

Eddie nodded. He was proud of Steve. And Robin. And all the things they managed to succeed in doing.

Jonathan hugged him tightly. “I won’t say to stay here with Steve and leave your financée to her fate, because that would be cruel and for all your faults, man, you aren’t cruel. And neither am I.”

Eddie let out a shuddering breath. And then another.

“You’ll do the right thing,” Jonathan said. “You might not figure it out right away, but somehow you always manage to get to the right thing in the end.”

Eddie finished his sandwich and thanked him for everything. Just being there when he needed someone.

And as he drove away from the park he felt lighter than he had in years.

****

I realize that that's probably not how visas work, but I'm just gonna hand wave that away for the drama.

Tag List: SIX SLOTS OPEN

Part 9 Part 10

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9- @blondie1006 @stripey82 @w1ll0wtr33 @mcenziehughes

[el-jarado]

"Everything's Changed Since Polites"

In light of the extensive re-litigation of the events of Storm Saga after the Thunder Saga, I find myself thinking about "Keep Your Friends Close" a lot recently, and how I think Odysseus was set up for failure from the get-go, and not because of his crew being bad.

Polites's absence is felt like a knife in Storm Saga but the whole gang is feeling it. When "Luck Runs Out" comes up, this is the first time Eurylochus has seriously questioned Odysseus's plan in the musical; probably the first time he's seriously questioned him in over a decade. And what passes between them is pretty telling to me.

Where is this coming from, my friend? I just don't wanna see another life end You're like the brother I could never do without And suddenly, you doubt that I could figure this out?

From what I've seen, Epic takes the approach that Odysseus, Polites, and Eurylochus have been together since they were children. Polites is Odysseus's best friend, but he was Eurylochus's friend too, and he's the first of all of them to die in battle since Odysseus started leading them. They're both reeling from that loss, but how it comes out is bad for both of them. Eurylochus, as we see, is someone who locks down when he's shaken; focus on immediate safety for his shipmates even if it prevents a better course of action (run when the other cyclopses show up, the food is not worth having to take on another dozen Polyphemus; get the crew the fuck away from the sexy witch before she turns the rest of them into pigs; avert starvation NOW deal with (more) angry gods LATER). He does not want Odysseus to get hurt dealing with something as dangerous as a god, and tries to express that. Odysseus withdraws into himself and lashes out at anything that tries to reach him when he's shaken; he's already lashed out at Athena when she takes him to task while he's still grief-striken over Polites, and here he doesn't hear his brother saying "please don't be reckless, I can't lose you too", he hears "you weren't good enough to bring everyone home, and we don't believe in you anymore." He's cold and dismissive to Eurylochus's doubts to cover for his own hurt, and that just makes those doubts worse.

It's exactly the wrong mindset to approach Aeolus in, and this is the part I've really been turning over in my head. Aeolus's game does sound too easy; all he's gotta do is not open the bag, while sailing on a ship staffed by 43 men he's been leading for ten years, many of whom he's probably known his entire life. The winions add the obvious catch in that they spread a rumor among the crew that the bag is a treasure Odysseus is keeping to himself before Odysseus can explain himself, but I think in many ways Aeolus's whole song is putting a finger on the scales. Aeolus, in presenting it to Odysseus, implies that some of his brothers are enemies and should be treated as such, and the winions, spreaders of mischievous whispers, keep telling him "never really know who you can trust." (And imply he should kill and sacrifice when it's convenient, the act that ultimately destroys all trust in the crew down the road.) And I think that's a malicious twist in the game just as much as "It's treasure~! Buh-bye!" :D

Odysseus went up to the island feeling sore and defensive after his last talk with Eurylochus, and when he's told to keep his friends close and his enemies closer, it's interesting to me that he doesn't think "I don't have any enemies on that ship, those men are my brothers" or even "who can I trust to help me with this?"

He thinks "I need to do this entire thing myself." It could be hubris, a quality Odysseus certainly doesn't lack for, but I think this is the shadow of Polites not being there again. Odysseus had to leave some of his men behind for the first time in ten years, and he thinks he's lost their faith because of it. He's guided to expect a betrayal and feels like he needs to do something amazing all on his own to show Eurylochus and the others he's still got it, Polyphemus was a fluke.

Part of my understanding of human nature has been that people respond to our expectations and treatment of them. I sincerely believe if Odysseus had taken Eurylochus and/or a few of his most trusted men into his confidence for managing the bag, the temptation to open it would have been greatly diminished or negated. Odysseus doesn't treat any of his friends as if they're worthy of his trust, because Aeolus got in his head and he's trying to prove something to himself and to them by doing this singlehandedly. However, people respond to how you treat them, and Odysseus not realizing the crew are just as shaken by Polites's loss as he is and treating them with suspicion makes worry fester into doubt.

Polites's loss is felt keenly again; he's not there to tell Odysseus he can relax, that kindness is brave and he should trust in his friends to support him instead of treating them like potential enemies (Ody remarks on being unopposed as if he was expecting otherwise, which is not the relationship he's had with the crew up to now), and he's not there to reassure Eurylochus and the crew Odysseus must have a good reason for his cagey, secretive behavior and they shouldn't listen to the winions continuing to suggest a little peek to make sure of things wouldn't hurt. (I take the continued presence of the winions in the song to imply they're harassing the crew with rumor the entire time Odysseus is keeping to himself and trying not to sleep.) I don't think Eurylochus would have wanted to look in the bag if he was brought in on protecting it, that's not his relationship with Odysseus, but when they're nearly to Ithaca, Odysseus hasn't said a word to anyone in days, nobody really knows what's going on but there's all these rumors flying and the Captain's acting strange...

It would not surprise me if Epic's interpretation is similar to the Odyssey where they're almost back when the bag opens, in which case it might be even more tragic as an Orpheus & Eurydice twist; I don't think it was a case where the bag would've been opened the moment Ody turned his back, I think he stayed awake for nine days out of wholly unjustified paranoia/trying to make a point he's still got it by doing everything himself, and Eurylochus and the crew celebrated too early when their destination was in sight. They thought they were home, there's no harm in having a look now, right? Wrong; Aeolus (probably deliberately) didn't specify when it would be safe to open the bag, and certainly didn't feel the need to warn Odysseus the magic winds inside would blow them miles away from where they opened it. Like Orpheus makes it out of the underworld and then ruins his hard work because he looks back just before Eurydice has, I suspect the crew was not trying to open the bag during the days Odysseus was depriving himself of sleep to watch it; it's at the seeming end of the journey that "they wanna get the bag open so they can have closure." Like most bad ideas, it is likely Eurylochus did what he did when it didn't seem like there was any obvious harm in it; Odysseus said don't open the bag until we're home, but Ithaca's in sight, what could it hurt to celebrate a little early?

To make a long story short, I think Ody and the boys were hosed with the wind bag trial from the start without Polites around, and it's not just because the crew fell for a rumor introduced to make the game harder and Eurylochus eventually acted on it; it's also because a god Ody just met told him not to trust his friends, and he believed the god he just met instead of them because he's still mourning his best friend and misread his other best friend's concern for his safety as a sign his leadership was faltering. God games are rarely if ever fair; the house always wins, and it's a lesson Ody learns slowly and painfully.

I'm also not gonna do another long post about my point that people, Odysseus included, keep forgetting making it back to Ithaca with Poseidon still royally pissed at them would've been very very bad, but making it back to Ithaca with Poseidon still royally pissed at them would've been very very bad!

[celestiamour]

ft. cassandra nova x f! reader — marvel

╰₊✧ surviving in the void isn’t the same as living┊0.6k words

contains: established relationship, angsty, before dp&w, probably ooc & lore inaccurate in so many ways but uhhhhh

➤ author's note: we need more cassandra x reader, she’s the prettiest bald woman

you stare out into the void, a vast desert that’s a mere skeleton of other worlds you used to explore freely, sitting on the ground and enjoying the fleeting breeze. there’s no point in it really, it’s already been burned into your mind long ago. there’s never anything different about the view, just sand and machinery with the occasional variant minion wandering around. despite being at the top of the food chain with cassandra, you feel like you’re only surviving instead of living, scraping by in a dimension that’s essentially a junkyard for discarded souls.  

the faint sound of whistling reached your ears, but you didn’t bother to turn your head and see who was approaching. you don’t need to when this spot was only known by one other person whom you would always sneak off with for moments alone.

“what are you thinking about, love?” she asked, sitting down next to you.

“nothing important,” you sigh. 

she gently nudged you. “come on, don’t make me use my telepathy on you.” it’s a joke, of course. she loves you enough not to do so, a display of trust to show that she won’t violate those boundaries like the first time you met. “tell me what’s going on.”

“it’s just that… don’t you ever want to leave the void and go back to earth?’

she hummed in response, “i guess i never thought about it, but i don’t think so. i can freely be myself and use my powers here while basically being the empress of this realm. i don’t think i want to leave for a place that would only hunt me down when they find that i escaped and banish me again after a few days. and besides,” she affectionately laid her head on your shoulder, “i have you here with me.”

“right, i know that, but… i can’t help but wish that we could be a normal couple, doing normal couple things… like i want to take you on dates at the beach, go to fancy restaurants, introduce you to my remaining family, travel the world to see all its wonders… i treasure what we have right now, but i want to do so much more with you, even if it’s just stereotypical lovey-dovey stuff…” your smile is pained and you worry if you’re being stupid right now. cass seemed perfectly content with how everything was right now, you had no idea if she felt the same way you did. it was a topic that seemed too sensitive to bring up before, but it’s one that was weighing on you constantly these past few days. 

you did have a point though. there isn’t anything really romantic that could be done in the void, nothing aside from physical touch, long talks and walks to nowhere, watching decades-old films on a beat-up television found a while back that barely worked— it was no place where love could flourish when merely existing was difficult enough.

cass looks deeply into your eyes, the bright eyes of her beautiful girlfriend. not even her girlfriend, she thinks of you more like her wife, a soulmate who was gifted to her after years of suffering hidden under layers of her sadistic and mischievous personality. if she was allowed to go back to the world she was ripped away from with you, she would like to marry you properly and put a ring around your finger as a testament to all you both have gone through.

escape was something she barely considered since it was something that seemed so out of reach and impossible, yet seeing the hope in your eyes sparked a light of optimism she hasn’t felt in years. “maybe one day, and we’ll do everything you mentioned and more… even if we are hunted down by the tva the entire time…”

[macgyvermedical]

My Experience in Inpatient Psych

So I know a lot of people on here have talked about their experience in inpatient psych facilities, but I'd like to add mine just to give all you writers out there a writer-focused one. It's below the cut just in case you have to sit this one out for your own reasons.

To give you some background, I am 30 years old and have had hallucinations since about 16 and bizarre intrusive thoughts (someone living in my house that wasn't supposed to be there, somebody poisoned my walls, etc...) for about a decade, as well as very severe anxiety since I was about 3 years old. This is something not a lot of people know about me, even people I am friends with IRL.

The only thing I am actually diagnosed with is anxiety, which I'm starting to think is a failing of the psych systems I have been a part of. I have had counseling off and on and prior to this hospitalization I took escitalopram, aripiprazole, and gabapentin prescribed by my primary care doctor- all for the severe anxiety.

Quite frankly, I should have been in inpatient psych at least a few times before this, and it's by sheer dumb luck that I've survived to continue this blog.

On Friday, I was at home alone and made a few pretty bad decisions. I wont say what they were because frankly they're embarrassing, but they have to do with self-harm. I was scheduled to work Saturday and at about 9pm I realized that if I drove myself to work I would crash my car. Since my wife drives me sometimes, I figured I would just ask her to.

I told my wife and she asked- even if she drove me to work, since I was a nurse, would I be able to keep myself safe around insulin or other potentially dangerous drugs? I couldn't answer that question. We talked for a couple hours and came to the conclusion that I probably needed to go to the emergency department.

At this point I figured they would evaluate me and release me because I couldn't possibly meet the criteria for inpatient. I was wrong in this assumption. After telling them the decisions I had made that day, the feelings of wanting to die in a car crash, plus about a previous attempt, they recommended inpatient. Turns out, when you're a nurse, you can make some really bad life choices with the knowledge you have, and they didn't want to take any chances.

I was given paper scrubs to wear (so I couldn't hurt myself with my clothing or a hospital gown). I was also given a patient companion (someone who sits in the room and makes sure you don't hurt yourself).

They gave me the option of signing myself in voluntarily, or putting me on a writ of detention. A writ of detention is a piece of paperwork that allows a medical professional or law enforcement officer to hold someone for 3 days in a psychiatric facility against the person's will for the purposes of psychiatric treatment. Whether you sign the voluntary or get placed on a writ, you cannot sign yourself out. You need to wait until the psychiatrist taking care of you thinks you're ready to go.

I didn't believe at this point I needed to go inpatient, but I took the voluntary option because there are some perks, like being able to leave within 3 days if appropriate. At this point I was convinced I was probably going to have to call off work Saturday and Sunday, probably be out of the hospital Monday, have a few days to rest and be back at work on my next scheduled shift after that, which was Thursday.

Well, that's not what happened.

Because of some of the decisions I had made, along with bed availability, they wanted to keep me in the observation unit overnight before they sent me to psych. I stayed overnight in a unit that shares staff with the unit I work on, so I was taken care of by my coworkers. This was surprisingly not that bad. I like my coworkers and they were really professional about it.

Saturday I felt like I was in a fog all day. I couldn't watch TV. I couldn't color or write. I worked out some in my hospital room and paced the halls once or twice. Mostly I hung out with my wife and occasionally talked with my companion, but even talking was difficult. I had refused ativan because I felt like I had no hope of finding a medication that made me feel better, and I figured I didn't want to take the one medication that might actually work and then not be able to get it ever again.

Around 7PM I took a 45 minute ambulance ride to the facility. Getting my blood pressure taken is a big anxiety trigger for me, but my brain felt so scrambled that I couldn't express this well. They took it every 10 minutes on the ride there and by the time I got there it was in the 170s/100s (BP goes up when you're having severe anxiety). This was not their fault of course, but no matter how much I thought about telling them or refusing the BPs, I just couldn't do it.

When I got to the facility I was greeted by a tech who took my BP again (150s/90s this time), showed me around and looked through my personal belongings (basically just the clothing I came in with since my wife took my phone and wallet knowing I wouldn't be able to have them on the unit) to make sure I didn't have anything I wasn't allowed to on the unit. She showed me around my room and was really thorough with telling me how things worked, what the rules were, etc..

The rules included:

No patients allowed in other patients rooms

No personal belongings that had strings, belts, or laces, or that could be used as a weapon

No caffeine after lunch and no free access to caffeine

No personal electronics (including eReaders and watches). There was a TV in the day room and 2 phones mounted to the wall for patient use

A little later my nurse came into my room and asked me a ton of questions. Here's the thing about any hospital- you get asked the same questions over and over. By the time I'd gotten there I could give my story in under a minute. Or at least, that's what it felt like. There were only 2 clocks on the unit, at the nurses stations.

The unit itself was laid out in a "T" shape. There was a main nurse's station at the place where the two hallways intersected. At the end of the long hallway there was another smaller nurses station, a cafeteria/day room, and a "comfort room" which was a small room off the day room that had a collection of the oldest and worst donated books that have every come together on a bookshelf.

I did some pacing that night and then went to bed, but didn't sleep particularly well.

On Sunday morning the tech woke me up to take my blood pressure, which was, not unsurprisingly, still high. It was about 5 AM so I got up and paced the longer of the corridors for about an hour. Breakfast was served at 8 and the food wasn't that bad. The coffee was about the worst I'd ever drank, which I suppose helped with the no caffeine goals.

Just after breakfast I met with a psychiatrist on an iPad for about half a minute, and I'm not exaggerating there. The only questions he asked were whether I was suicidal and whether I would be fine with tripling my dose of aripiprazole in light of the hallucinations. I had had a 50-lb weight gain in the last year so I asked to switch my med. He switched the med to cariprazine. That was all.

I had a much longer meeting with my nurse later. All the nurses did an excellent job of assessing me, asked tons of questions, and it seemed like they really tried to figure out what was going on. That day I also met with a social worker, and a therapist, and a nurse practitioner. Each of them did an assessment to see what my needs were while I was there.

There was also a music therapy session where I cried my eyes out to Because of You by Kelly Clarkson.

I was really tired by the end of the day but I also didn't think I could sleep so I asked for trazodone. I should clarify that when I say "I" in this piece I really mean my wife convinced me to ask because I legitimately didn't believe I needed or deserved any of the things I asked for at this point. To my utter shock and surprise, they gave me the trazodone.

My first night on trazodone was amazing and I realized I hadn't slept well in a long time. With trazodone I fell asleep and stayed asleep until the blood pressure cart came rolling down the hallway at 5am. The second I got up on Monday morning I was wide awake.

I paced a lot Monday. I went to a goals session in the morning where I gave a goal to write 3/4 of a page. I didn't know if I could do it or what I was even going to write about, but I know I like to write and it might be a reasonable introduction to getting back to life.

I also was having kind of a rough day brain-wise. My brain was coming up with all the ways I could hurt myself in my room. There weren't a lot of them, but it was trying. I told the nurse during her assessment and she asked if I felt I could keep myself safe. I asked her what she would do if I said no. She said they could move me to a more secure part of the unit and give me more supervision. I knew what part of the unit she was talking about, and I didn't want to go there (no space to pace, and pacing was keeping me alive right then). So I told her I could keep myself safe (if anything, the idea of moving was good motivation to do stay safe in itself). I hallucinated some black and white blood cells falling from the ceiling and music coming out of my vents.

I also had another meeting with the social worker to figure out discharge plans. I voiced in the meeting that I wasn't sure that I could trust my wife, since it felt like at the time she was the one who exaggerated my symptoms to get me in here. The social worker said we had really good communication skills, since this was something I felt needed to be said in front of both of them and we both stayed really calm through the whole thing.

I finished the day with an art therapy session that really helped me turn a corner. The prompt was to draw the emotion(s) you felt right now on one side of the paper, and to draw the emotions you wished you could feel on the other side. For the first time I realized that my emotional state was actually really bad and that the suicidality hadn't come out of nowhere, and that I needed help.

When my wife came to visit later that night I was able to tell her about my breakthrough, even though I still felt a little bit like she had done something to get me in here and I still wasn't sure I needed to be inpatient.

Tuesday was a lot better. I felt like I had woken up out of some kind of fog and I had no idea how long I'd been in it. I went to goals group, a spiritual group, and group occupational therapy. My goal was to be more social and I made a friend and we paced together and worked out. I read a quarter of The Martian by Andy Weir (my wife brought it for me because the best thing on the bookshelf was Louis L'Amour). I wrote about how good I suddenly felt. Turns out, I thought, a few days of good sleep, lots of therapy, and a new medication or two will really change things.

A quick side note about The Martian. I highly recommend it to anyone who is chilling in a psych hospital but has the ability to read while they're there (I sure didn't the first few days). I don't really know why, but the first few times I read it, I felt like they had created this superhuman character in Mark Watney just so they could throw a ton of wild things at him for the story. This time reading it, as a suddenly not suicidal person, I realized anyone with Mark's skill would have done the same thing and not just died on Sol 7 to get it over with.

Wednesday I woke up not feeling nearly as good as Tuesday, but still like the fog had lifted. I was a little disappointed (I hallucinated my cat (thanks for coming to visit me, Corina), some spiders, and just felt kinda meh. But I remembered how good I felt the day before, and that really kept me hopeful about going home.

I saw the psychiatrist again and asked to go home. He joked a little about me staying till Christmas, but ultimately he said as soon as his note was in I could go. I ended up leaving at about 12:30 with my wife.

In the time since leaving I have required a lot of support from my wife. The medications are all locked up, so are the blades and anything I could use to hurt myself. My wife has me in eyeshot at all times. I can't drive due to intrusive thoughts, so she does all the driving now. I quit my job because I feel like it was a big part of why I ended up as bad as I was. As someone who has been a pretty independent person this is a big change of pace, but something that is really necessary to my healing.

Ultimately at the end of my hospital stay, I was prescribed escitalopram, gabapentin, trazodone, cariprazine, and then a few days later propranolol. I'm currently on a total of 5 psych meds and honestly I don't care one bit because its so much better than being not on them at this point in my life.

[loving-barnes]

Bucky Barnes - My past, my mission

A/N: I was watching Marvel movies and this just popped into my head. It's not good, there are mistakes but I tried. Please, beware that there are heavy topics discussed in this one shot. Now, I can take another break for a decade.

Pairing: Avenger!Bucky Barnes x Avenger!enhanced!female reader

Warning: angst, dark themes (mention of abuse and sexual abuse, torture, children), death, fluff

Please, do not read if you are under 18. This story contains darker themes/topics.

Words: 10 000+

FULL MASTERLIST

The team was worried. They had been watching Y/N distance from them and they didn’t know why. Everything seemed fine. That changed almost two weeks ago. She started to hide in her room, attend the gym when no one was there and kept silent when they had a meeting. No one knew what happened. The only person she talked to was Nick Fury. More than once they saw her in a small conference room with him, where they were talking. 

“You need to tell them what is happening,” said Nick when they were once again sitting together, talking. “The team is here for you.” 

“No,” she said stubbornly. “I’m going to deal with it myself.” 

He sighed. “You need backup. It’s dangerous. You won’t be able to handle it on your own.” 

She rolled her eyes. “I don’t want them to know this part of my life,” she whispered. A tear was trying to escape her eye but she managed to control her emotions. 

“Listen, they already noticed that you are not being yourself,” he said. “Since you’ve found out the location of the Youth Center, you are acting differently. It took a toll on you. I know how hard your childhood and teenage years were. But I am telling you, if you want to end this, you need a backup for this mission.” 

“I can handle it on my own,” she raised her voice. “They made me who I am today. I know how they operate. I’m going to do it alone. I don’t want anyone to get hurt. And if I die, so be it.” 

“Come on,” he was getting irritated. “Take at least Barnes. You two have a similar history and work well together.”

“I said no,” she smashed her hand against the table. “You won’t change my mind. I’m doing it alone and I am leaving tonight.” She stood up with a loud noise. The chair creaked. “If I don’t make it back, tell them I just left. Tell them I was relocated. My only wish is you won’t tell them the truth.” 

Nick shook his head. “You are making a mistake.” 

“I told you the same when you took me in and made me part of the team.” She reached her hand to his. He hesitated but took it and they shook hands. “I am thankful.” 

“I am not saying goodbye to you, Y/L/N,” he said. “At least think about it.”

She left the conference room and headed back to her bedroom. It was time to pack and leave. This was her moment, the perfect opportunity to destroy the place that used children to experiment on them. It was a dark place. They were kidnapping them, abusing them and testing on them as if they were lab rats. Successful tests resulted in children with different abilities. Those that obliged were spared and kept as weapons. Others were killed. 

When she escaped, they moved places and she couldn’t find them since - until now. Oh, how she’s been waiting for this opportunity. 

The Centre got bigger, hidden in the woods in Northern Canada. There was nothing but wild nature. The weather would be cold and unpleasant. Fury was right when he told her to bring backup, but she didn’t want to risk the lives of people whom she considered family. What if it didn’t seem as bad as it was presented? The truth was, they didn’t have a lot of information. 

“Hey, Y/N,” she heard Natasha say her name. 

“Hi,” she replied, not looking at her, not stopping to chat. 

“Come on, talk to me. We are friends,” she ran to her, trying to walk her pace. “Everyone is worried about you.” 

Y/n rolled her eyes. “Everything’s fine,” she said. “I have a lot on my plate these days.”

“You are a bad liar, Y/N. We all can see that it’s not fine and something is bothering you. You’ve been keeping your distance, you barely talk to us. What happened?” 

“Nothing,” she was annoyed. “I’ll deal with it myself.” 

That answer made Natasha stop and let her leave alone. She was immediately thinking about what she said. What did she mean by “deal with it myself”? She could already put two and two together. 

She turned around and briskly walked to the other side of the building where the rest of the team was hanging out. It was a Saturday evening. That meant beer time and chat. When she arrived in the lounge room, all eyes were on her. “Did you find out anything?” Steve was the first to ask. 

She sat down on an armchair, frowning. “No and yes,” she said. “She didn’t want to talk at all. She barely looked at me.” 

“And what is the “yes” for?” Sam asked, confused. 

“She said, she will deal with it herself,” Natasha said. “Which indicates she was not talking about mental or emotional things. This means she was talking about something bigger.” 

Bucky was silently sitting next to Sam, watching his friend think out loud. He was holding a beer in his metal hand. No one knew how hard this time had been on him. No one knew how much his heart ached when Y/N stopped talking to him - to everyone. 

“Do you think she could be going on a solo mission?” Tony asked. 

“Maybe that’s it,” she nodded. 

“What the fuck? I thought Fury would discuss it with us,” said Stark angrily. “I’m not saying she can’t handle it alone, but we should know about the mission and discuss it.” 

“I have to agree,” Steve nodded. “She works well with us, but I’m not sure she was ready for a solo mission.” 

“This whole thing stinks,” Sam said. “Think about it - she’s been talking to Fury for the last few days. Her whole demeanour changed with a snap of fingers.” 

“FRIDAY, do we know anything on Y/N?” Tony asked his AI. “What’s her status?” 

“She’s currently in her room, not accepting visitors,” said FRIDAY. 

“What if she asked for transition?” Clint asked. 

“What?” Bucky’s eyes widened. That thought made his heart sink. Why would she want to do that? Was she not happy here? He thought they were friends. He thought that maybe… 

Tony made a face. “I don’t think so. We would already know if she was that unhappy.” 

“I think we saw a lot of that for the last few days,” said Sam. 

“Let’s give her a day and we will try to talk to her tomorrow,” Steve suggested. “We don’t know what is going on and we don’t want to jump to conclusions.” 

The team relaxed - except for Bucky and Natasha. They both were thinking about her. They were trying to figure out what was going on. 

“We should ask Fury,” said Bucky out of nowhere. 

“No,” Natasha shook her head. “If they made a deal, he would keep his lips sealed.” 

Y/N didn’t waste her time. She put on her custom tactical suit that would keep her warm even in the cold weather. She packed the most important stuff, but mostly geared up. She would be using her special abilities that she got unwillingly. 

She checked her watch. It was time. The sooner she’d leave the better. She wouldn’t be able to say goodbyes to anyone. It was better this way. She put on a long black leather jacket, and a backpack and left her room. She was about to pilot a jet for about six hours. It would be a long night. 

Tony was awoken by a beeping sound. He slowly opened his eyes and groaned. He finally got some sleep after a week and he was rudely awakened by his AI.

“Boss,” FRIDAY sounded urgent. “The Jet 05 was taken five hours ago,” she informed him. 

He quickly sat up, rubbing his eyes. “What? Who authorised it? Why didn’t you wake me sooner?” 

“Nick Fury,” FRIDAY answered. “The jet was taken by Agent Y/L/N. I tried to wake you, but you were deep asleep.” 

“What the fuck?” he said to himself. “Call the team immediately and I want Nick Fury here as soon as possible.” 

The team gathered in the biggest conference room they had. Tony was waiting for them, with a hologram of Y/N’s information presented in the middle of the table. He seemed nervous, even pissed and the team saw it. 

“Where did she go?” Natasha was the first one to ask. That’s when a map of the jet's route was shown to them. 

“North Canada. She’s still in the air,” said Tony. “The autopilot was turned off and she’s not using FRIDAY. But there is one tracking device she didn’t turn off. That’s why we know her location.” 

Bucky was silently sitting in a chair, looking directly at her photo. He should have gone to her, talked to her and convinced her to take him with her.  

“You okay?” Steve asked him silently when he noticed his friend struggling. 

“No,” he admitted. 

Steve sighed and leaned closer to him. “I know how much she means to you, but we need more information before we proceed.” 

When Nick stepped into the room, he was met with stern glares and upset people. He expected that. He knew what the reaction would be and he was prepared for everything. “You only figured it out because I arranged it,” he said. “And, also, because Natasha listens.” 

“Why don’t we know more about this?” Natasha asked him. “She’s part of the team, part of this family and you two have decided to leave us out of it.” 

Fury took a chair next to Stark. He was calm. “There’s a lot of things you still don’t know about her. When we decided to bring her here, we had long discussions about her, the abilities she has and her past. We made a deal: she would tell you her story once she’s ready.” 

“Why?” Clint asked. 

“It’s not my story to tell,” said Fury. “You cannot expect someone to tell you about other people’s lives. Same here - she wanted trust, she wanted to feel safe before she’d let you in.”

“So, she doesn’t trust us?” Natasha asked. 

“She does. It was only a matter of time before she’d tell you everything. This, however, is something bigger than you can imagine. I know all of you had a rough past. Y/N’s the newest member of the Avengers initiative and I gave her my promise not to tell you a word.” 

“You are not going to tell us what her mission is?” Steve glared at the director. “We should just wait and see if she comes back?” 

Fury nodded. “That’s what she wants.” 

Bucky thought back to the moments when they talked together. He recalled one night when they were both sitting on the rooftop of the building when neither of them could sleep. They talked about their nightmares, but she wasn’t specific. There was one thing he could remember her saying. 

“I wasn’t born with these powers. They were given to me,” she said sadly, looking at the little purple lights swirling between her fingers. 

They were given to her, which meant she was on her way to a place that gave her the powers. His eyes widened. “Holy shit,” he gasped and that brought everyone’s attention. 

“What?” 

“Two months back, we were sitting on the roof talking and she said to me that she wasn’t born with the power. It was given to her,” Bucky explained. 

Natasha caught up. “She’s going to the place where she was given her power.” 

Fury nodded. “She didn’t want any backup. She wants to do it alone. I believe she’s ready but I suggested she took someone from the team.” 

Barnes abruptly stood up from the chair, letting it fall on the floor and ran out of the conference room. He was ready to find her and be her backup. All he needed was to change, armour up and take a jet. 

“Bucky, wait,” Natasha shouted his name. 

“I have to find her,” he shouted back, not stopping. 

“I’m coming with you. We’ll meet at the hangar.” 

Y/N had no idea that the team had figured it all up - sort of. She arrived in the province of Nunavut, Canada. She landed with the jet in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by deep forest. Once the jet was secured, she left her coat in the jet and grabbed some weapons for the mission. All the details she memorised while on her way to this place. 

The building was three times bigger than the last complex she was raised in. Many children of various ages were held captive in this Youth Centre. The number was still unknown. That’s what it was called. To the public, it was known as a young offender’s institution - a place where they taught children to be better and do better. Y/N knew the truth. She saw the truth. it was a place where they tortured, killed and experimented on kids. All of the memories came rushing back. 

They were as painful as the torture she experienced. For a moment she felt as if she travelled back in time and saw her arms covered in IVs. They were bruised from the needles and burst veins. No wonder she had a problem withdrawing blood or vaccinations.

Her breath became shaky. Maybe it was the cold, maybe it was the painful feeling crawling through her body. 

Using her power, she lifted from the ground and flew through the forest to her final destination. This was her opportunity for revenge - destroy this evil facility and the people who worked there. 

What about the children? What about those who were not corrupted and wanted to live freely? She didn’t know. All she wanted was to destroy this place, even if it meant losing her own life. Was it wrong of her to kill everyone? Maybe.

There it was, a castle-like building in the middle of nowhere. When she was young, the Youth Centre was located in the States. Once she freed herself, they relocated here. 

She landed in a tree where she had a great vangate point. First, she needed a plan. By looking at the perimeter, she could see at least a dozen soldiers walking around the place, keeping an eye on intruders. From the files Fury gave her, there were potentially at least over a hundred men walking around the building. That was the last thing she feared. 

If there were any enhanced children, that would be a problem. It was hard to predict whether they were compelled to obey their orders or if they were still able to think for themselves. The first thing she should do was to infiltrate the building and try to find any children who were still human and try to get them out. Afterwards, it was time to destroy this place.

“If only Wanda and Vision were with us,” Natasha said while piloting the jet. 

Bucky was checking his guns and ammo in the back, wanting to be as prepared as possible. They had four hours to go. Y/N’s jet was located in the middle of a forest, in Canada. From the satellite that belonged to Stark, they found a building there too. It made sense that’s where she was going. 

“They wanted some time off,” Steve commented. “We will have to do it without them.” 

The Captain wanted to join Natasha and Bucky. So did Sam and Tony. Bruce and Clint stayed at the HQ where they monitored the situation from there. 

“I will have a serious talk with Y/N once we are on our way home,” said Tony. 

“Everyone calm down,” said Natasha. “She’s doing what she thought was the best.” 

“I don’t get it,” Sam thought out loud. “How bad could it be?” 

Bucky kept his eyes lowered on the gun he had in his hand. He kept replaying all the conversations he had with her. He thought of one moment when they were at Stark’s party.

She was sitting at the bar, drinking wine when he approached her. She looked stunning that night. They joked, commented on the snobby people around them and laughed at the event. “In the end, I’m enjoying this,” she said with a smile. 

“Really?” Bucky was surprised. “I thought parties weren’t your thing.” 

“That’s true. But I like to enjoy life as it is now. You never know how bad a person had it in the past,” she shrugged and drank the rest of the wine in one go. He could relate to that. If only he knew what her past was. 

“How are you doing?” a hand appeared on his shoulder. It was Steve checking up on him. 

Bucky shook his head. “I don’t know. I keep thinking back at our conversations, trying to find a clue, but I have nothing,” he admitted. “I want her to be safe, Steve. I care about her. I should have told her that a long time ago.” 

“We’ll find her and bring her back home,” said Steve reassuringly. “Then you can tell her.” 

“I fucking love her, Steve,” he finally admitted to his friend. “I never thought I would after everything that happened. I fear that we’ll be late.”

Y/N’s heart skipped a beat out of nowhere. She frowned. That was odd. She thought it was the adrenaline, but she wasn’t sure. 

She was running out of time. The sun would set in less than four hours and she wanted to finish this mission before dark. The plan was simple - attack, use her abilities to kill every man that was there, get inside, look around and find those assholes that started this twisted institute. If they were able to destroy Hydra and the Red Room, she would be able to end this. 

She could manipulate objects and create force fields. She had both offensive and defensive abilities. She and Wanda were almost alike. However, Wanda was a witch and was able to do more than Y/N. Wanda said to her, that she’s powerful too. 

With a deep breath, she jumped off the tree. Y/N was ready to end it all once and forever. 

With her powers, she captured each man who was outside, throwing their bodies to the wall and breaking their bones. Some of them died, some of them were unconscious from the pain. She cleared her path into the building. Once she approached the courtyard, she was met with more men, heavily armed. It seemed as if they were expecting her. 

All those emotions, rage, anger, and sadness caused her power to intensify. She was able to cover herself with a forcefield while she disarmed them and destroyed their weapons. That’s when an alarm was turned on.

Focus on the power running through your veins, she heard Wanda say. That’s what she told her all the time when they trained together. 

She was powerful, she could do it. She could end it all. 

Once all the men were down, she walked to the entrance door. Her adrenaline was high. Somewhere deep, she was thrilled. A smile appeared on her face as she walked further inside. For a brief second, she lost focus and a bullet scratched her shoulder, making her bleed. She groaned from the pain. 

Her eyes turned purple as she gathered her strength, surrounded the soldier in her powerful magical grip and threw him out of the nearest window. Fucker. 

First, she wandered the hallways of one sector, checking each room. They were empty. She turned to another hallway and checked there - nothing. There were classrooms and offices. It was all empty. 

When she met more soldiers, she swiftly defeated them. She took out her gun, ready to use it. She spent a lot of time at the shooting range. When an opportunity came, she shot a man straight into his head. Headshot, she heard a low male voice inside her head. 

Weird, there were no children to be found. Was it a trap? It was all too easy. That was until she stepped into a hall where she was met with those who made her the way she was. 

Adam Lewinski, the head of the Youth Centre, was staring at her like a hawk. By his side was his wife Greta. He had a right hand, Vladimir Vanko. They were standing at the very end of the hall. 

“What a pleasant surprise,” said Adam with a broad smile on his lips. “Did you miss your home?” 

They hadn’t aged a lot since she escaped. The woman had grey hair and Vladimir gained weight. Their presence made Y/N nauseous. She wanted to scream from all the pain but nothing came out. Her brain was fogged. She heard a loud ringing sound in her ears. 

She registered laughter. “Not so powerful, are you? And you call yourself an Avenger?” 

Y/N tried to open her eyes and looked at the cause of her pain. There was a boy, maybe eight years old, using his power on her. How come they were able to modify them to possess such ability? 

You know what to do, she heard herself say. There was no other way. She had to do it. Kill him before he kills you. He’s lost. 

Gathering her strength, she twisted her hand and sent a purple mist at the child, wrapping it around its neck. With a pull, she heard a loud crack and simultaneously the pain was gone. Taking a deep breath, she fell to her knees. Finally, she could breathe. However, it took its toll on her. 

Y/N just killed a child. 

Tears flooded her eyes as she tried to breathe through her nose. “Fuck you,” she said with a shaky voice. “How can you use children like this?” She stood up on her feet, glaring at the trio in front of her. 

“Haven’t we made you special?” asked Greta and took a step toward Y/N. “Our program gave you the abilities. We made you who you are now. You are an Avenger thanks to us. And yet you are an ungrateful brat,” she laughed. 

“You destroyed families. You took children from their parents and killed them. You used us against each other, making us kill one another. Do you think that is normal?” Y/N asked. “Do you think this is a good thing?”

“You don’t understand it, do you?” Vladimir approached her without any fear. His voice was deep and cold. “Without us, you would be nothing. All of those children were meant to be doomed - raised by abusive parents, in the streets. We gave you a new home, we gave you a purpose.” 

“No, you didn’t,” Y/N opposed. 

Adam whistled. It was a high-pitched sound that echoed around the hall. That’s when more than twenty children entered the hall. Y/N’s eyes widened. Some of them were teenagers, and some of them were literal children. The youngest must have been five years old. 

“There are our greatest creations,” Greta said. “They are more powerful than you think - some have superstrength, one is fast, other can cause you pain with a simple touch. You killed our beloved Lucas. He was such an extraordinary boy. Can you imagine harming someone with a simple look?” 

“You are nothing compared to them,” Vladimir said. “Just because you can manipulate some objects… as if that was something special,” he laughed. 

“We control them,” Vladimir continued. “They would do anything we say - protect us, die for us. They are programmed differently. We didn’t want to allow them to think as a free person.” 

“Weapons of mass destruction,” Adam added. “That’s what they are. That’s what they were meant to be.”

Y/N took a good look at those children. They seemed normal, human. Inside, they were modified, and powerful. How powerful? She was about to find out. 

“Children, it’s playtime,” Adam clapped his hands. 

That was their cue. Slowly, one after another they started to walk towards her. This was the moment she realised how stupid she was to not bring a backup. If she had to die, she’d die trying to stop the potential threat. 

“By the way,” she heard Adam say, “some of the children are waiting for their death, others were moved to our buyers. There is a group that will be given the serum once we are done with you.” 

You have to kill them, she said to herself. End it all. These are not children anymore, she reminded herself. 

That’s when a first child threw a fireball directly at her. She protected herself with a force field. Another hit came right afterwards. Shit. There was a girl that had superstrength. She was able to get close to Y/N and hit her on the right shoulder. Y/N immediately fought back, throwing her against the farther wall. Once she fell to the ground, the wall was covered in her blood. 

Luckily, these children were not immortal. 

The team landed the jet right next to the one that Y/N took. Bucky was the first one to run out of the jet, running to the other one to check it. He didn’t find her. “Fuck,” he mumbled, holding her leather jacket tightly in his fists. 

“We’ve got to move,” Steve ordered the team. “We don’t know how much time we got.” 

The newest nano-tech suit covered Tony’s body. He was ready for some action. “FRIDAY, talk to me. What do we have?” 

“I have analysed the building. There are many dead people. I have captured activity inside the building. It looks like Miss Y/L/N is there,” she informed them. “Boss, if the scanning is correct, she’s fighting children.”

Natasha’s eyes widened, not believing what she heard. “What?” she gasped. “What do you mean children?” 

“The place is holding captive more than 80 children. A group of them are now in an active battle with Miss Y/L/N,” said the AI. 

“Children?” Sam said to himself. 

“I can capture levels of power coming from the place.” 

“Enhanced,” said Steve. Slowly, they were putting the pieces together. “This must be the place where she gained her abilities.” 

“This must be the place where she grew up,” Natasha whispered.

Bucky’s heart ached. She went to fight her demons alone. He was the first one to move, leaving the team standing there. “Wait,” Natasha called after him. “We need a plan.” 

“No, we need to move, now, before it’s too late.” 

“He’s right,” Steve nodded. “Tony, Sam, get in the sky and secure the perimeter. Keep us updated.” 

The time was ticking. 

Y/N was bleeding from her nose. Her body ached as the children took turns, trying to kill her. So far, she was able to eliminate five of them. It was becoming more difficult. They were stronger than her. They didn’t have any emotions. All they wanted to do was finish her off. Y/N’s energy was low. It was hard to keep up with them. 

Before she knew it, they captured her and brought her down on her knees. The girl with superstrength punched her in the face, making her bleed from her mouth. She tore her skin under the right eye. Another hit was on her stomach. Y/N groaned from all the pain and spit out some blood. 

Her vision was blurred. Her ears were ringing and it was hard to breathe. This was it. She was too weak to defeat a bunch of enhanced children. Their experiments were different than back in the day. They had no mercy. 

You need to kill them all, she heard a voice in her head. They are not children anymore. 

Out of nowhere, she could see the faces of people she loved the most. Natasha was smiling at her. Steve had a proud look on his face, and Sam laughed as if she said the funniest joke ever. And then there was Bucky who kept lovingly staring at her, holding his hand stretched out to her. You are stronger than you think. 

Oh, how she loved him. She would never be able to tell him. She was too scared to do so and now, she wouldn’t have the chance. The love she had for her family and for that man brought a warm feeling to her chest. It was beautiful and pleasant. It made her want to fight more. 

“Any last words?” she heard Adam’s voice echo around her. 

“Burn in hell,” she mumbled. 

Y/N gathered all the energy she had left. She never did this before. As if her body was telling her what to do, guiding her through the unknown and making her release it all for the whole world to see - her full potential. 

With a painful scream erupting from her throat, she released the power from her entire body. Each child was thrown away into the cracking walls of the building that started to shake from its core. The ceiling started to fall and the stability of the building weakened. 

“You are going to kill us all,” she heard Greta scream. 

Y/N’s purple mist changed into purple-blue electricity, surrounding her body. The ground under her started to shake. It reminded her of an earthquake. She closed her eyes and let it all consume her. Everyone dead meant no more potential threat to the world. And then, she threw her hands up in the air. 

“What the hell is happening?” Sam asked once he flew over the building. “Something’s not right.” 

“The building is about to collapse,” FRIDAY informed them. “There is a high amount of energy surrounding the place. It belongs to Miss Y/L/N.” 

“No!” Bucky screamed.

When the Captain, the Widow and the Soldier arrived at the border of the estate, they watched as the whole building started to fall before their eyes. Blue and purple cracks appeared on the walls. They were watching it without breath until the rays of Y/N’s power got out of the building. There was a sound that reminded them of an explosion. And then the building collapsed. 

Everyone got covered in dust and the place got silent. The team kept staring at the ruins of the building. It was unrecognizable. No one could have survived it. 

“Holy shit,” someone said.

Bucky fell on his knees, not believing that he had lost her. He couldn’t breathe. All he could feel was pain. His heart shattered. There was no way she could have survived it.

“FRIDAY,” Tony mumbled the AI’s name. “Any signs of life?” 

“Scanning.” 

“Holy shit,” Sam said once he landed next to Steve. “What the fuck happened?” 

“I don’t know,” Steve replied. Once he could see better, he moved forward. 

“No signs of life, boss,” said FRIDAY after a minute. 

“Shit,” he sighed. 

They all started to walk on the remains, trying to find Y/N’s body. Natasha could see tiny hands sticking out of the bricks and wood. It was a horrifying look. So far, she counted six dead children. When she noticed an adult hand, she quickly ran to it, trying to lift any boulder covering the body. Unfortunately, it wasn’t her. It belonged to an unknown woman. “More people were present,” she said into her comm so the rest of the team could hear her. “I have a woman, mid-fifties, without signs of life.” 

They kept walking around, counting the people who died. No one could find Y/N’s body. 

“I’ve called Fury,” Tony informed them. “He’ll be sending a team of people here to get out the bodies and identify the children. Agent Hill and her team that is in Canada will be here in two hours.” 

Steve had his eyes locked on the ground. He kept searching the ruins until he found another hand. This one was familiar. The nails were covered in dust and dark red nail polish. His heart skipped a beat. He prepared himself and uncovered the body. 

It was her. Y/N’s body was covered in dirt. Her forehead was torn and bleeding. Her face had bruises. The suit was torn in many places. “I found her,” he informed the team, swallowing the grief. 

He squatted down, his fingers gently brushed her cheek. A tear escaped his eye. Why didn’t she call them? They would have helped. This should have ended differently.

Natasha was the first to arrive, gasping when she saw her friend lying there, dead. A sob escaped her lips. Then Sam arrived, not believing his eyes. It was difficult for them to see her like this - lifeless, beaten and dead. 

Steve was about to lift her body into his arms when he heard a heavy intake of breath. Quickly, he put two fingers on her neck, trying to find a pulse. “Shit,” he gasped when he felt it under his two fingers. “She’s still alive!” 

Tony flew to them, letting FRIDAY take a complete scan. “Vital signs critical.”

Natasha and Sam helped him take her out of the ruins. Steve held her tightly in his arms as he quickly, yet carefully, walked over the bricks, food and stones. One of her arms was lifelessly hanging down.  

“Let me take her,” Sam suggested. “I can fly her to the jet and get her to the nearest hospital. I know some people from the military.” 

“I’m coming with you,” said Tony. 

Steve nodded and handed her body to Sam. Before Bucky could approach them and see with both eyes she was indeed alive,  both Tony and Sam flew away from them to the jets. 

“No, wait,” Bucky shouted at them. “I wanted to…”

“She’s on the verge of life and death,” Steve stopped Bucky by putting a hand on his shoulder, squeezing it. “She needs immediate medical attention. We will get to her, all right?”

“But Steve-”

“I know, Buck. I know you are worried. We all are. We can only hope that they will make it on time.”  Steve could see the fear in Bucky’s eyes. Unfortunately, there wasn’t much they could do for her. 

She was in and out of consciousness. Her ears registered the rumbling sound of a jet engine. Was she in the jet? She wasn’t sure. Was that the sound of the falling building? All she felt was pain and her brain brought her back to the moments she’d like to erase from her memory forever. 

All of a sudden, she was sitting on a rustic chair with her hands tied behind her back. She was so small, still a child, maybe ten years old. The cold brought goosebumps to her skin. The window in the room was open. It was early winter. They left her sitting there in her underwear as a punishment. Suddenly, someone was holding her cheeks, screaming into her face. It was one of the guards. He pulled her hair, smacked her face and kept yelling. She felt as if she was suffocating. 

Y/N, she heard her name somewhere in the distance. Hold on. We are almost there. 

“Hi,” she heard Bucky greet her. When she turned around, he was sitting on the couch in the lounge room. It was that time when she couldn’t sleep because her past was still haunting her. “Are you okay?” 

“Can’t sleep,” she walked to the couch and sat down next to him. “Bad dreams.” 

“I get that. Sometimes it is hard to rest after a difficult mission. Nightmares invade your mind and won’t let you sleep,” he said. 

She looked at him, memorizing every detail on his handsome face. “Do you… Do you ever wish that you were killed?” 

He looked into her eyes and took a deep breath. “I used to,” he replied. “Now, I don’t.” 

They kept staring into each other’s eyes. “Yeah, same,” she smiled at him. 

That’s when she was pulled into the darkness. She felt more vibrations. What was it? Where was the jet taking her? Was it the jet? Please, stay with us, she heard someone’s voice. 

I’m right here. 

There was a big white room where she was lying on a cold metal table. Her body was tied to it. All she could see were the IVs coming out of her body. So far she counted six. Four on her arms, one on her neck and another one on her right leg. Her mouth was closed shut with a mask. She wanted to cry but deep down she knew it was to no avail. They would punish her and make her suffer more. Just be a good girl and do as we say. 

They made everyone suffer. It didn’t matter that some of the children were maybe three years old. Nothing mattered, only the next mission, the next experiment. 

Will life get better? 

Again, darkness. This time, she was swimming in it for a long time. It seemed that there was nothing more to show. Or maybe this was the end - darkness, nothingness. There was no heaven or hell, only darkness. 

Y/N, I’m right here with you. Please wake up. That voice was familiar. It brought a warm feeling to her chest. She tried to swim to it, as fast as it let her. Wake up for me. Was it Bucky? 

Y/N opened her eyes and the first thing she saw was a white light. It hurt her eyes and she blinked a few times. Her ears registered the sound of beeping machines. It was a steady beep, the one that monitored someone's heart. Slowly, turning her head from side to side, she noticed an unknown woman standing by her bed, checking up on her. 

“What happened?” Y/N whispered. Her throat was dry and her voice was raspy. 

The nurse gasped and quickly found a device that called any doctor. “You are awake,” she seemed surprised. “Oh my god,” she seemed surprised. 

“What?” 

The door to the hospital room opened and a doctor with another nurse came in. He was immediately standing next to Y/N, checking her eyes with a tiny light. “Everything seems fine so far,” said the doctor. His voice was echo-y. He showed his index fingers to her. “Squeeze them as tightly as possible.” 

Very slowly, Y/N wrapped her hands around his fingers, trying to squeeze them with all her strength. It wasn’t much but it was enough. The doctor seemed satisfied.

“That’s great,” he said. “We were waiting for you to wake up, Miss Y/L/N.”

“How long was I out?” she asked, her voice barely a whisper. 

“Over three weeks,” he replied. “You had a ruptured spleen that we had to take out. There’s been some internal bleeding that we stopped. You also had a concussion which led you into a coma for a few weeks,” he explained. “We stitched some of your wounds, you also have bruised ribs. Surprisingly, nothing was broken.” 

She remained silent, thinking about what happened. “Where am I?” 

The doctor frowned. “Do you remember anything?” 

“Yes,” she sighed, tired from all those questions. “I was supposed to die. Am I back in the US or am I still in Canada?” 

“You are back in the States,” he said, relieved that she knew what was going on around her. “Currently, you are still in New York, Langone Hospital.” 

“Has,” she dryly gulped. She wanted water. “Has anyone been here?” 

“You had several visitors. The last one we sent home because the visiting hours had ended. But, now, we need to inform Director Fury about your current state. I’ll let the nurses bring you water and we will give you another IV with antibiotics.” 

“IV?” she panicked. Her eyes widened when he said that. Immediately, she looked at her arm, scanning the needle. Her heart started to beat fast. She needed to overcome her fear. Quickly, she shut her eyes, trying to rest before any potential visitors. 

The doctor saw it. “Do not worry. We are giving you antibiotics, nothing else,” he reassured her. “We won’t hurt you, Miss Y/L/N. I need you to stay calm and we will call Director Fury as soon as possible.” 

With a simple nod, she released a loud exhale. No one knew about her fear of needles. They never witnessed her getting one and she avoided any at all costs. The less they knew, the better, right? 

She fell asleep for another hour when she heard the door open. She stirred and gently opened her eyes, looking directly at Nick Fury. “I’m glad you are alive,” he said. 

Y/N huffed. “I should have listened, I guess,” she whispered. 

“Yes, you should,” he nodded and pulled a chair closer to her bed. “Do you remember it?” 

“I remember it all,” she said. “I had to do it, sir. It needed to stop them. Some of the children were already sold,” he cleared her throat. Fury brought a cup of water with a straw to her lips and helped her drink from it. He didn’t let her take much. “Thank you.” 

“Not bringing any backup was stupid, Y/N.” 

“I know. I know. Will I,” she stopped, not daring to finish the sentence. 

He sighed. “There won’t be any repercussions,” he answered. “We were dealing with a global threat,” he explained. “The Youth Centre was as bad as Hydra. Unfortunately, they used children, experimented on them and killed them. We gathered a lot of information during these past few weeks and have enough evidence that even though the children died, it was for the better.”

“I am so sorry,” Y/N started to cry softly. “I looked. I couldn’t find anyone once I killed a lot of guards. They were hidden somewhere.” 

“Here is the good thing,” he stopped her. “Once we cleared the debris, we managed to uncover an underground place where there were around fifty children hidden in a cellar.” When he said that her eyes widened. “You didn’t kill all those children. You saved them. These children were not enhanced yet. They were abused a lot. Fortunately, no serum was given to them.”

“They are fine?” 

“With a lot of therapy, they will be fine,” he nodded. 

Y/N wanted to say something. When she noticed how he was staring at her, she forgot what she had on her mind. “What?” 

“How did you do it?” he had to ask. “How did you destroy the building?” 

She opened her mouth. How did she do it? It never happened before. She knew what her abilities were. This thing came out of nowhere. She thought back to the moment it happened. There was this feeling inside her that intensified and she released it out. “I have no idea,” she said honestly. “I wish I knew.” 

Fury simply patted her shoulder and stood up. “We will discuss it once you are out of here. The doctor said that if your condition remains the same until tomorrow, they will transport you into the HQ to the hospital wing.” 

That’s when she remembered the rest of the team. “Are- Are they angry at me?” she lowered her gaze. 

“Confused,” he said. “They don’t understand why you did it. Thanks to Romanoff and Barnes, they slowly figured things out.”

Bucky. Her heart dropped. She knew he would hate her the most. “How did I get here?” 

“Because they figured out where you went, and I left one of the tracking devices online, they came to help. However, before they were able to do anything, the building was destroyed and they thought you died,” Fury explained. “Relax. Nothing is as bad as it seems.” 

“So you broke the promise,” she said. 

“No,” he shrugged, keeping his voice on a funnier tone. “I didn’t say a word. I simply left some clues.” 

He was about to leave the room when she stopped him. “What am I supposed to do now?” she asked. 

“Rest,” he turned to her one more time. “And talk to the team. I believe they would like to see you. The last person that was here was Barnes. He looked terrible. No wonder. That man spent most of his days here. ”

She couldn’t believe it. Did Bucky keep visiting her while she was in a coma? Why would he do that? 

Y/N was left alone. Another round of sleep came to her. She didn’t have much energy and another cat nap would only do her good. This time, her mind was not invaded by any bad dreams. Maybe it was the drugs? 

She was awakened by something soft and warm pressed against the back of her hand. When she opened her eyes, she found Bucky pressing his lips to her hand, whispering something. He was sad and tired. Y/N squeezed his hand and he quickly looked up at her. 

“Y/N,” he whispered her name. “You are awake.”

“Hi,” she greeted him. “I woke up today,” she whispered. “It was time.” 

“We thought we lost you,” his voice broke. “I thought I lost you,” and he pressed another kiss to her hand. “How are you feeling?” 

“Tired. Weak. A bit confused,” she admitted. “If all goes well, I’ll be relocated to the HQ tomorrow.  Uh, can you bring me water, please?” Bucky was quick to take the glass with a straw and brought it closer to her lips. When she started to drink it, their eyes locked.  “Thank you,” she said when she finished. 

He opened his mouth, ready to tell her something. However, Natasha, Steve and Sam entered the room before he could make a sound. The redhead was first by her side, carefully hugging her. Steve and Sam stood behind Bucky, smiling. 

“You scared the shit out of us,” said Natasha when she pulled out of the hug. 

“I’m sorry,” said Y/N. 

“Why didn’t you ask us to come with you?” Nat asked. “You know we would have helped you.” 

Y/N’s eyes slowly moved to Bucky who kept looking at her. She wished they could be alone. It was hard to come up with a relevant answer and, in all honestly, she’d rather sit in silence with him. She thought he’d hate her. So far, it has nothing to do with hate. 

Sam started to talk about… something. Y/N wasn’t listening. It was something about a game of darts. Steve told her how the rest of the team thought highly of her and that Wanda and Vision would be back in two days. 

Her eyes were slowly closing while she kept listening to their stories. No one wanted to mention the mission. They kept her mind occupied with something else.

A nurse came to the room with a new IV and a bag. “It’s time to let her rest,” she informed them. “I suggest you come tomorrow.”

Natasha gently hugged her and the rest of them said their goodbyes. Bucky was the last one to leave. He noticed how Y/N was panicking when the nurse was about to take out her IV. Y/N turned her head, trying to breathe deeply. That’s when she found out he was still there. Tears welled up in her eyes. 

He took a few big steps and was immediately by her side. “Hey, it’s okay,” he tried to calm her. “I’m right here, Y/N. Keep looking at me.” 

She only nodded and pursed her lips only to keep her sobs hidden. Bucky found her free hand and took it into his, holding it tightly. He didn’t question it.

“I’m sorry, but you should-”

“I’m staying,” said Bucky to the nurse harshly, not giving her a single look. The woman kept her mouth shut and took out the needle of Y/N’s arm. 

“It’s going to be a minute, alright? Focus on me,” he kept talking to Y/N. “You are doing so well.” 

Bucky knew not to ask, not now. He stayed there until the nurse was done and Y/N had a new IV ready. “All done,” said the nurse. 

“It’s all done,” Bucky repeated for her. She snuggled her head into his chest and silently cried. She hated every moment of it. Nothing scared her more than IVs. She hated them with her whole being. 

He kept stroking her slightly greasy hair, trying to calm her down. Five minutes later, he realised that she had fallen asleep while being snuggled to him. Bucky kissed the top of her head and gently pushed her away. He fixed her body on the bed and stroked her cheek. Once again, he remained sitting next to the bed. This time, his body was relaxed because he knew she was conscious and well. 

Y/N was confused when she woke up the next day and she was alone in the room. She knew Bucky was the last one with her, helping her get through her fear of IVs. Now, no one was present. She sighed sadly. 

For the next few hours, she kept taking naps and watching TV that was installed in the room. That was until it was time to transfer her to the HQ as promised. She couldn’t be more thrilled. 

Everything went smoothly. They helped her take a shower after weeks and prepared her for transfer. Before she knew it, they wheeled her into the medical wing of the compound. The first thing she noticed was the bouquet of red roses standing next to her bed. There was her phone and a book she didn’t finish. The bed was way more comfortable than the one in the regular hospital. And, as if it wasn’t enough, there were snacks in the drawer next to the bed. 

“Do you like it?” said a voice from the door to her room. 

When she turned her head and saw Bucky standing at the door, smiling. Instantly, there was a smile on her face. “You did this?” 

He walked to her. “Yes. I wanted you to feel good, homely.” 

“That is so sweet,” she said and yawned. It was time to lie down and gain more energy. She stretched her arm to him and signed him to take it. “I love roses.”

Bucky couldn’t do it faster. They held hands for a good minute, staring at each other silently. 

This was his moment. He couldn’t wait any longer. He leaned to her and pressed his lips to her. The first good sign was, she didn’t pull away. The kiss was sweet, just as he imagined it would be, if not better. He could stay like this forever.

Bucky smelled like a menthol shower gel. She could breathe his scent until her very last day. How glad she was they made her take a shower before transfer. 

When he pulled away, he kept his forehead pressed against her. “I love you,” he whispered, finally admitting his feelings. “I’ve loved you for some time now.” 

Y/N smiled. “I love you too, Buck.” She couldn’t be any happier. “I was worried you’d hate me.”

He looked into her eyes. “I could never do that. I was upset that you didn’t want me there. I thought my life ended when they found you without any sign of life.” His gorgeous blue eyes filled with tears. “I really thought I lost you.”

She put both hands on his cheeks. “I’m so sorry.”

He brushed a strand of hair behind her ear. “Don’t be. You are alive, here with us, with me. That’s all that matters.” 

She kissed him again, this time deepening the kiss. Bucky’s metal hand travelled to her neck and pulled her to him as much as it was possible. The cold made her gasp and that was the moment he used and explored her mouth with his tongue. 

Someone cleared their throat. Slowly, they both turned their head to the sound and disconnected their lips. Steve and Sam were standing at the door, smiling like school girls. 

“Sorry to interrupt, love birds,” said Sam, giggling. 

“You are ruining the moment,” Bucky snarled at him. “Can you come later?” 

“You know what?” Y/N interrupted, patting Bucky’s hand. “Stay. Please. I need to talk to you. Could you also call the rest of the team? I- I need to tell you everything. Please.” 

“Okay,” Bucky nodded and before he left, he kissed the top of her hair. 

Steve and Sam were still grinning at her. They sat down on a small sofa that was next to the bed. “So, you two, huh?” said Sam, winking at her. 

“Sam,” Steve nudged his shoulder. “How are you feeling?” he turned his head to Y/N, genuinely concerned. 

“I’m getting better by the minute,” she admitted with a smile. “Still tired though. The doctor said I need to rest here for another few days. Afterwards, I can leave this place and rest back home - or in my room.” 

“Or in Bucky’s arms,” Sam teased. Steve smacked his shoulder.

“And no active missions until we are sure you are healthy and strong. We can use you from here,” said Steve. 

“Yes, Captain,” she winked at him. “And I am really sorry for what happened.”

Natasha was the first to run into the room. Before Y/N knew it, the woman was hugging her again and taking a seat next to her. “I’m glad you are here with us,” she said with a smile. “The rest of the team will be here any minute. You okay?” 

“Yeah,” Y/N nodded with a smile. She fidgeted a little. “Just nervous.” 

“Why are you nervous?” she asked. “You don’t have to be. We’ve been through a lot together. It’s going to be fine.” 

Clint, Tony and Bruce entered the room. They greeted Y/N with gentle hugs. While they were chatting, Wanda and Vision unexpectedly walked into the room. Y/N’s eyes almost popped out. “Holy shit,” she gasped. 

Wanda was quick enough to come to her and pulled her into a tight loving embrace. “Don’t ever scare me like that,” was the first thing the woman whispered into her ear. 

“I’m sorry.” Wanda and Y/N had a special bond. There was something a little more special than she had with Natasha. But all three women were very close. 

With a kiss on her forehead, she sat by her other side which was not occupied by anyone. Both friends were by her side. And yet she wished Bucky was the one sitting with her. He was the last one to return. His eyes noticed that he wouldn’t be able to sit next to the woman he loved. 

Without stalling, Y/N started to talk about her past - how her childhood was taken away from her. 

“I remember playing outside. My mother was there with me. It was a beautiful warm day. I don’t remember the city I was born in or her name. What I do remember is the sound of her painful cry. It happened so quickly. The next thing I knew, I was in a place that became my new home.” 

Everyone listened and didn’t ask questions or intervene. 

“There’s been always at least 20 to 40 children - all ages. We were raised there. They taught us everything that they considered important as well as basic skills such as reading, writing and math. I guess it was similar to Red Room,” she looked at Natasha. “They started to experiment on us very early, as well as they started to kill us. There was this older girl, about seventeen and she was on her way to becoming enhanced. Unfortunately, the last experiment changed her personality and she turned into a psychopath. Because of that, they killed her and everyone who was undergoing the same treatments as her. Of course, they did it in front of us.

“The first time it happened, I vomited as well as other kids. They punished us and we stayed without food for a week. The only thing we had was water. They kept us between four cold walls. One time,” she put a grimace on her face, “one of the soldiers tried to drown me because I refused to pleasure him. I was eleven.” 

Y/N noticed how Wanda’s eyes closed. She tried to remain stoic. When her eyes scanned each person, no one could look at her, even Bucky’s eyes were on the floor. 

“It happened at least once a week,” she continued. “Unfortunately, when they break you, they’ll get what they want. And they’ll find a way to do it again and again.” Her voice started to shake. “Then comes a turn and once the time is right, you make them suffer.”

She thought about that particular moment and told them about it. She was sixteen when the experiment was successful and she gained abilities. The guards, who loved to play with her, were met with her rage. She killed them all. 

“Thus, my plan to escape started a few days after that. I managed to leave the place that tortured me for years. A place where even though I gained something powerful, broke me in many ways. They took me away from my mother and destroyed my childhood and teenage years.”

This time, a tear escaped her eye and gently caressed her cheek. “I never thought things would get better. I was hiding around the States and in Europe. I became a mercenary only to have some money. Now, here we are… After all that death and torture, I am still alive. That’s why I wanted to, no, needed to do this alone. I needed to finish this and kill them because they were a threat to everyone. I didn’t want to risk your lives for my pain, my past.” 

The team was silent. No one knew what to say. What could a person say after everything they’ve heard?

“Don’t look at me like that,” Y/N shook her head. “You’ve all had traumatic pasts.” 

Natasha was the one who said it out loud. “No one was raped when they were a child.” 

“Well, there are other things that did not happen to me, but did happen to you,” said Y/N. “We live in a fucked up world. Now we have the ability to make it better.” 

. . .

Bucky had his normal hand on the steering wheel while his metal hand held Y/N’s. He proposed a trip - a few days off, without the team somewhere outside of New York. Just the two of them, enjoying their time together. It was nice of him to take her out. 

He brought her hand to his lips and kissed it. “Where are you taking me?” she asked, giggling. “Come on, Buck, just give me a hint.” 

“We’ll be there in a minute. Please, wait and you’ll see,” he said with a smile. 

At first, they flew to Colorado and spent a nice day walking around Denver and enjoying the food and entertainment. Today, he took her for a ride. They were slowly driving through a peaceful neighbourhood. There was nothing special about it - houses, families walking around and enjoying the day.

Y/N took a deep breath through her nose. She became nervous. “Did you buy us a house?” she had to ask. 

That’s when he parked the car and looked at her. “No,” he shook his head. “I know I should have asked you about this, but after everything, I figured this would be something you’d want to do,” he started. “I’ve been searching for several days until I found what I wanted and that’s why I brought you here.” 

She frowned at him, not liking how cryptic he was. Bucky quickly kissed her lips and then got out of the car. Because he was a gentleman, he went to Y/N’s door and opened it for her. “I’m nervous,” she said when she stepped out. 

He grabbed her hand, squeezing it reassuringly. He slowly took her to one of the houses. It was of smaller size, but it was a nice place to live. Once they were at the front door, he loudly knocked on them. “I figured that maybe you’d want to…”

The door opened. A woman in her mid-fifties was standing there, dressed in casual comfortable clothes. From her face, she seemed shocked. “Oh my god,” she whispered. 

Bucky didn’t need to say a word. Y/N figured it all out.  She could feel it inside her soul that she knew this person. “Mum?”

“It’s you,” the woman started to sob. “You are alive.” She pulled Y/N into a tight embrace, crying into her shoulder. “Oh my god, my sweet angel, you are alive.” When she pulled away, she grabbed Y/N’s face into her hands, scanning every detail to memorize it. “Your wonderful friend came to me a week ago, saying that he knows you. He told me, that my beautiful baby is alive.” 

Y/N looked at Bucky, her eyes filled with tears. “Yeah, he’s the best thing that ever happened to me.” 

[elderscrollsconceptart]

This will be a long post but I've been thinking about this since last night.

I get a pit in my stomach when I think about the new Fallout TV show and the chance TES may get a show if the Fallout show is super successful.

I've been hearing the show has been pretty good, but ive also heard some grim rumblings and worries about certain directions Bethesda/Amazon are taking lore-wise in the Fallout show. Apparently Todd has said everything in the show is canon.

I've not watched it myself as I'm not a huge TV watcher in general, but I don't know if I want to see Bethesda or an outside studio make massive changes to TES lore which affect both past and future installments in TES purely for the sake of "making good TV".

I am most certainly not a "modern Bethesda" hater or of the opinion that modern TES/Fallout games are bad. I pretty much love them all. (I even enjoyed Starfield, huge glaring flaws and all!)

I genuinely believe they are trying their best to make fun games. I also understand they have had a lot of struggles over the past decade+, particularly in company direction and budgeting of necessary resources (pre-Microsoft acquisition).

The old Zenimax upper management was awful (Trumps brother was literally on the Zenimax board of Directors before he died). And infamously refused budget allocations towards serious game engine improvements that were desperately needed. Bethesda has had alot of struggles but I feel they have always tried to do the best they can, even if the final result is middling.

I am also not a Todd hater. Even if he's not necessarily the best game designer, he has a lot of heart and passion and seems to genuinely care about Bethesda and its employees. I am glad he seems to have a genuinely good relationship with Microsoft and I have high hopes for Bethesda's future in the long term.

All that said, there are just certain changes that can happen when "Hollywood comes knocking" per se., even if most of the main creative decisions still come from Bethesda. TV shows can be fantastic and lauded with praise but if they are based on an established property with established lore, they often ultimately go in creative directions which negates the lore and other non-TV entries in the series.

Just look at GOT. It started off amazingly, and GRR Martin had a direct hand in all the early series. It was the best show on TV until suddenly GRR was no longer involved directly and the show runners started making their own decisions. They started ignoring established lore and making "changes and improvements" which nose dived the series by the end.

Perhaps I am paranoid, but I can see something similar happening to Fallout if the show is big and keeps getting new series. Furthermore, I hold a deep dread that TES may be next. Just think, how many people talk about GOT anymore? How many people are hyped for the next book(s) in the series? The books didn't get bad right? Only the TV show did.

But that's my point. If Fallout or TES have these big smash initial hits on TV but begin to fail after a while, it damages the series as a whole, not just the TV show. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to see TES/Fallout TV shows be nothing but great. I just worry as I've been hearing of major major lore changes being made by the Fallout show. These changes are irrevocable and utterly change the lore of that series, and not necessarily for the better. I'll try to refrain from further judgment on that, but I'll leave with this question:

What if TES had a super quality and popular TV show which negated large parts of pre-Oblivion lore? Suddenly, due to the show, innumerable people/places/things which were iconic to the TES series were no longer around or perhaps not even canon anymore? What if those things were just lost or written off for the sake of a TV show?

As a fan of TES, and maybe even of that TV show, how would that make you feel?

I'm am not trying to stir controversy here, but I think we as a fandom need to have more public discussions about this. We also need to be prepared to not dump on any new changes to the series or lore without giving them a fair shake. Something being "new and different" does mean its awful. Changes can be good or bad but they must be carefully considered.

I hope this new Fallout show's premiere will provide us a good chance to consider the future of TES media and lore outside the games before any changes are announced or made.

[bisexuallsokka]

jo. bestie. hi. i’m holding your hands and asking u to please if u want deal us all permanent psychic damage with “you’re just as beautiful as the day i lost you” (the httyd divorced zukka agenda has to continue and nobody can do it as well as u <3)

Sokka had spent the entire journey to the Fire Nation imagining himself being so overwhelmed with emotion at the sight of Zuko that, decorum be damned, he would run into his arms as soon as they made eye contact.

The sting of disappointment he felt when he realized that Zuko wasn't even there to greet him and Katara was enough to extinguish most of the excitement he had felt and make him second-guess everything about this trip. It was odd enough that after over a decade of being broken up they had rekindled their relationship over letters, what would it be like when they saw each other in person for the first time in years? Did they only know how to be in love again in theory? Was Zuko truly ready to leave the throne and his home in a few months and start a life with Sokka?

He's hiding out on some balcony that the two of them frequented in his Ambassador days, and he jumps when he hears the door open behind him. It's probably Katara telling him to stop moping, and he's about to tell her that he just needs a minute when he sees Zuko there, giving him a tentative smile.

"Hey," he says.

"Hi," Sokka says, the corner of his mouth twitching in amusement.

"Sorry about," Zuko gestures, and Sokka knows what he means.

"I get it. You're a busy guy," Sokka says.

That makes Zuko frown, and he walks over and takes a seat on the bench next to him. "Not too busy for you," he says. Which, historically, is kind of a lie, but Sokka appreciates the sentiment all the same. Especially since soon, they won't have to worry about the Fire Lord nonsense ever again.

Zuko seems to be thinking the same thing. "For what it's worth, it wasn't 'official business' keeping me away again," he clarifies. "Izumi was getting a little overwhelmed with everything going on to get ready for the party, and I spent longer in the garden with her than I realized. She's with Uncle, now."

Sokka softens at that, his doubts slowly starting to fade away. "That's understandable."

"Thanks for coming all the way here," Zuko says quickly. "It means a lot and it...it's really good to see you."

The sincerity in his tone is a little overwhelming. "Wouldn't miss it for the world," Sokka says, despite having missed the last ten or so of Zuko's birthday celebrations.

It makes Zuko smile, though, which Sokka relaxes at the sight of.

"You look good," Sokka says, smiling back.

"You look..." Zuko trails off, a strange expression on his face as he just keeps staring at Sokka.

"What?" Sokka asks suspiciously. "Is there something on my face?"

"You're just as beautiful as the day I lost you," Zuko says, so softly Sokka might have missed it had he not been hanging onto every word from those lips.

"I..." Sokka says, feeling speechless for once as heat rises in his cheeks. "That's...great, thank you."

As soon as the words leave his mouth he groans, putting his head in his hands as Zuko laughs loudly at him.

"You can't just say things like that," Sokka complains, even if he can't stop smiling.

"I can and I will, especially if that is the kind of reaction I can expect," Zuko teases. Sokka looks over at him and feels his cheeks flushing again at the soft look on Zuko's face.

Sokka takes a shaky breath, calling upon every ounce of bravery he's ever possessed to help him reach for Zuko's hand. "Twelve years?" he asks, giving it a squeeze.

"Twelve years," Zuko confirms, squeezing back. “It’s not that I haven’t seen you that whole time. I just…never let myself really look.”

Sokka nods. “You’re sure this is what you want?”

Zuko raises his eyebrow. "I've started packing."

Sokka rolls his eyes and shoves Zuko's shoulder with his own. "Oh, so romantic, run away with me just because you're already packing."

Zuko laughs again, and Sokka feels lightheaded. He's not going to get used to constantly hearing that sound anytime soon.

“I've had all this time to think about it, and my answer is still the same," Zuko tells him seriously. "This is best for the Fire Nation, best for us. Are you sure, though? Six year olds are pretty crazy.”

“Raising a kid with you?" Sokka asks. "That's all I've ever wanted. Craziness and all."

The way Zuko looks at Sokka erases any of the doubts, the questions, the worries Sokka had about this. About them. After the years of heartbreak and separation, Sokka knows that's behind them, and the future looks much brighter.

[dflogerzi]

I must have lost my mind... my comprehension... or priorities.

I am truly reeling. Fully, and by all sides of the arguments over a photo. There has not been so much of a bruhaha since the hordes of humanity were storming stores in search of toilet paper. It truly is blowing my mind.

Okay trying this again after once before as a Reblog to another today. But I have a few things to say and then I am going to leave this lay. I have NO idea if this will be long or short. But I am dang well hoping I feel better afterwards.

So there I was this afternoon, early, the phone rings. And it is my daughter-in-law whom has not called me since the second week of November. I see her name on the caller id, take a deep breath, and... she wants to talk about Catherine. What???? How about home, hearth, family, and the state of relationships? But okay. I went with it.

I am going to start this, what I hope is a mini-vent off with what I think of the photo submitted first. There is NO doubt it was a huge blunder. The week proceeding was already a fire storm demanding proof of life, relationship, and just about everything else you could throw into the mess. This was no time to release anything touched up whatsoever, and even for myself who loves and supports this wonderful person... the lack of wearing at the least her wedding band was just not a good look to send out worldwide. I do not care WHEN she wears or does not her dang rings privately. But now was not the time. I do believe she had good intentions and was just being naive. But she has been around the block for over two decades and firmly involved and in the trenches to what amounts to a modern-day War of the Roses.

Someone did not have her back.

Now to my main points, real concerns, and what are the TRUE problems, according to just little me, sitting in my cheap director's chair and calling out the scenes currently playing on the world stage.

People. This is going to pass. This is just the latest in the drama and the saga since Meghan Markle hit the royal family. The real danger from my view is not the photo or Catherine's intentions. The escalation and apparent hysteria of what could be real danger is truthfully what is my focus. When news agencies are checking the place of origin, metadata, timestamps, editing, and making judgements on integrity and the future of the monarchy based on a simple photo for Mother's Day... we have a HUGE issue. It is now far past time for the Wales family to be better secured, the British government to step in and take care of the obvious dangers that are growing exponentially, and priorities addressed as to the future.

I am FAR more concerned about William and his family at this point being safe, secure in where they are living, and the future of each of them an absolute priority. It is time for all involved with their protection and well-being to deal with what is so obviously happening. And I feel for William who most likely has the world, literally, on his shoulders. But it is for him to take the first stand.

This is not about a photo. This is a shot over the bow on the global stage.

Catherine dearest. Just heal please. Take care of you first. I will continue to keep you close in thought. You have given everything in honor, love, and duty for over 20 years. You take the time you need.

Going to publish this bad attempt at writing I suppose. Hope the madness ends soon. And I do not mean about a simple picture meant as a greeting to Mother's around the world...

[banamine-bananime]

one thing that always perplexes me is how often i see takes on tucker where the work positions him as a great dad*, fluent in sangheili language and culture, and most of all, a great diplomat.

i'm not here to yuck anyone's yum and i, too, am absolutely transfixed and enraptured by this man's oscillation between "my one purpose in life is to constantly test the human limits of Annoyingness" and "sudden, shocking extreme competence with no warning" like a little Newton's cradle. like, i just spent 7000 words indulging myself in thinking about a version of tucker that listens a lot more to the "do whatever you gotta to protect the people you love and do what you think is right regardless of what people think" cartoon angel on his shoulder and less to the "that sounds hard i just wanna mouth off, jerk off, fuck off, and negg church" devil. i cannot throw stones and clearly i think that's a fun and valid interpretation of how his character could evolve. but evolve is the keyword there and it baffles me when this gets treated as the fact of how he immediately snapped into being as soon as he had junior, you know?

like. obviously tucker ended up doing some massively impressive shit as an ambassador in sandtrap. but that's because he wasn't being an ambassador, he was being The Final Girl in il/ct's slasher flick. getting trapped in a beseiged temple is, traghilariously, the best thing that could have happened for him in terms of being good at that job. if tucker were a pathfinder character he would have 18s in "dealing with your life suddenly being taken over by ancient alien religion bullshit", "surviving crazy shit through sheer spite and the adrenaline rush of pissing off whatever asshole has made it their life's mission to kill you this time", and "being the only person who knows what fucked up shit is going on while the rest of the bgc ignore you". he would have a 2 in "saying things that make people want to kill you LESS". de-escalation is not in this man's skillset. he cannot even handle being normal about human women. appreciating the intricacies of sangheili culture and politics, human culture and politics, and sangheili-human relations?

Tucker: People learn English all the time, it aren't that hard.

Church: Maybe you should try learning his language.

Tucker: Fuck that, we got here first, and that makes this a colony. Those're the rules, dude. Earth colony, Earth language.

Church: Tucker there's thousands of languages spoken on Earth.

Tucker: Hyeah, but only one that kicks ass. And that's the one we're teaching. English 101, remedial kick-ass.

i know this is pre-junior and doubtlessly, he is more interested in this stuff after junior (because junior's life does depend on sangheili politics and human-alien relations) and MUST be less dense about it after HAVING to do it as a job. like by osmosis at the very least something must have permeated his brain. but the gap between this^ and "knowledgeable enough to be an asset in this career, one people need at least one relevant degree for" is, uh, bigger than a few months between leaving blood gulch and being sent out to the field

sometimes i think about what a fucking trip it would be to be on the UNSC diplomatic team with tucker LMAO can you imagine how unpopular he must have been. a bunch of polisci and IR nerds like fists clenched shaking like leaves trying to restrain the urge to give this guy a swirlie because he cannot stop sounding like a fucking family guy episode while you're trying to, like, convince the warrior queen of some isolated Sangheili heretical sect to ally with the Swords of Sangheilios and the species they've been dead set on annihlating for decades. and also you know he's only an ambassador as like the weirdest most fucked up variation of a nepo baby. nepo forced interspecies religious incubator. the token chestburster virgin mary hire. the simultaneous Hatred for this guy making your job hell, the impotent rage of knowing that it is, actually, important that he be there for Symbolic reasons, and feeling sympathetic to him. you know part of why he's Like This is literally just because he's 20 and should be at the club but has had the year from hell and didn't ask for this. it's easy to forget that because he doesn't complain about any of the actually bad things that happened and just rolls with whatever crazy shit comes his way. complaining is reserved for being an annoying little bitch about petty shit.

ANYWAYS i'm not saying stop having fun with very competent versions of tucker. we're all just here to have fun. i just like what a weird combo of competent and disaster he is, as i interpret him, and i, personally, am incapable of interpreting him as being actually very good at his job as ambassador

*the only two options are not "bad dad" and "great dad". having an alien parasite non-consensually implanted in you by a manipulative fraudster to force his own involvement in a prophecy - oh and also their species is trying to exterminate yours - and going, "well, this baby didn't choose this, they're just a baby, and you know what? my baby. i love this baby unreservedly and unconditionally, fuck you." shows a capacity for love and forgiveness that's frankly fucking insane, both in the good-impressive way and the what-is-going-on-in-your-brain-and-how-did-this-kind-of-decision-making-not-get-you-killed-yet way. and tucker very clearly loves junior a lot and does his best - which, i want to reiterate, is absolutely wild considering the circumstances - but he wasn't ready for a kid, is bad at accepting responsibility especially for others, and the way that Things Never Stop Happening in his life mean he is really not very present. and it's not JUST because of things happening outside of his control - there were periods after season 8 and after season 13 he probably could have permanently reunited with junior and didn't.

[misseviehyde]

BETTER ME, THAN YOU

"Well I can't believe you tracked me down. It's been such a long time since we last spoke. Please sit down and enjoy the drink my butler prepared.

Ohhh, it's too bad you got so sick just before we were ready to test the Elixir. I know it was your dream to try it - but we couldn't afford to let the delicate solution deteriorate whilst we waited for you to recover. I simply had no choice but to try it myself.

Now, I unfortunately have to have a regular supply of the Elixir in order to maintain my new body and there's just not enough for both of us I'm afraid. I already hid all of the equipment and destroyed all the remaining notes along with your grandfathers journal before leaving town. It would take you decades to piece together even the smallest bit of our research, you really are wasting your time.

Look - it isn't just a simple matter of maintaining my physical form. Everyone thinks my male alter-ego is dead and I moved to this town for good reason. I have no intention of ever turning back into that loser.

Since arriving here I've insinuated myself into the richest family in town. I read about their young daughter being kidnapped all those years ago, and knew that if I turned up and pretended to be her after all these years, I could easily replace her. I am Olivia Hyde now .

Frankly - Mrs Hyde was desperarate to believe I was her long lost daughter and any irregularities in the way I behave and act have been overlooked due to my trauma. I of course have no memory of my kidnapping all those years ago.

Awww you think I'm a bad person for impersonating a dead girl? She's probably long gone and these fools would never have found her. Better that I should have all the money and power that would have been hers. Better that it is in my hands and I be the spoiled rich girl I always should have been.

My troubled past gave me an excuse for knowing so little about makeup, hair, girls clothing. But I was a fast learner and with an unlimited supply of money I quickly spoiled myself rotten. I know it all now loser. I know how to dress like a tease and make boys do what I want. I know how to bully and manipulate people. They all think I'm so innocent but I'm the biggest bitch you'll ever meet.

That's right - I'm a spoiled evil slut just like I deserve to be. Assuming Olivia's identity is hardly the worst thing I've done. I'm a bad bad girl and bad things happen to people who get in my way.

Don't you get it simp? The Elixir made me into a fucking Goddess and the more I drink, the more perfect it makes me every day. I'm smarter, stronger and more powerful than any human deserves to be.

So what if the Elixir numbs some emotions? Who needs pity and remorse when you have a tight pussy and can suck big cock when you want? Who needs love when you can have power, money and sex.

You have no idea how good my body feels loser. Soft perfect skin, firm boobs, silky hair. I love how ultra-feminine I am. I love that I can manipulate and control anyone.

The truth is - I wanted this power all those years ago, so I took it from you. I put laxatives in your food - I ensured that it would be me to drink the Elixir not you. I remember how hard I jerked my cock thinking of taking the power from you.

But if I thought jerking off felt good - I never orgasmed so hard as that first time I transformed and became Olivia. As I felt my nails lengthen and my face change I knew that I was finally becoming the person I always should have been. As I grabbed my ass and felt my tits swell up - I knew I would do ANYTHING to keep this body.

Ohhh whoops - did you drop your drink? Are you feeling okay? You look kinda woozy.

Shhhhhh. Don't fight it.

Did you really think I'd just let you waltz in here and take all this away from me. Haha - didn't you learn anything all those years ago.

I spiked your drink again - only this time it isn't laxatives. It's just a little something to help you sleep.

Shhhhhh it will all be over soon. I'll go on living this deliciously evil life and you'll finally be at peace.

You could have had all this - but now it's mine to enjoy. I won't even think of you at all after today - but it will be satisying to know that chapter of my life is over.

Yessss, close your eyes and just... sleep.

Don't feel cheated. Before you go, you just have to accept this was always my destiny.

Better me than you...

[pixelnrd]

hello! ive binged your blog this past week and have been so invested and impressed with how professionally everything has been done. I particularly liked the snippets of your 'process' you've hinted at in other asks. I havent been around since the beginning so i wanted to ask what inspired you to undertake such a large project! or, rather, did you expect it to be as big as it became? each generation has 70+ daily posts, their portrait headshots, family portraits... i love it! were you trying to build an audience when you started out? was it a covid project that you had time to build a huge queue for? i think ill be starting my own narrative simblr here soon and i'd love to hear your thoughts or advice about your journey with it, if any.

Hello and thank you for such a lovely message, it's so nice to receive feedback on the quality of my Decades Challenge because I do put so much effort in behind the scenes thanks to my agonising perfectionism!

As a project it has grown beyond what I thought it would be, to a point that I had to reign it back in in early-2022 because I couldn't keep up. I'll put more detail under the cut ✨

The Langstons started as a covid project in 2020. I was an unemployed student with a lot of time on my hands. I'd done legacies before and was pretty good at getting close to the end so that was the 'project', to do the Decades Challenge. And while looking for inspiration like cc and builds etc I found simblr and discovered people were posting their Decades Challenges here with narrative attached. By this stage I'd already played a fair bit into my Langston family (they had 4 kids by that point) so I decided to start posting my sims as well, which pushed me to put a bit more effort in with shots, story, editing etc because I had imposter syndrome. I didn't intend for there to be much narrative or story, and I think that's pretty obvious when reviewing the 1890s Langstons, but it started to grow as I was posting because I wanted to give my sim characters justifications for their life paths I was sending them on... and it all kind of took off from there, as a Decades Challenge story.

Covid over 2020 and 2021 in my country forced us into hard lockdowns, and over those 2 years I had heaps of spare time for home-based hobbies - so I just kept pushing myself to keep going with my Decades Challenge for something to do. I got really into creating storylines and costuming and wanting to do the project 'justice' because of how much effort was going in and how many generations I needed to cover to finish it. Then I stared doing lookbooks, creating portraits and character pages, and then making cc (which was a fun side project).

I wanted to build an audience at the start because I wanted to gauge whether anyone was as interested in my sims as I was in others', and when I stared getting feedback and responses to my posts it was very validating and flattering, so that spurred me to keep up. I never dreamed it would get the audience it has now! It's nice being told that something you are making is good. IRL at the time, I was pretty miserable - I graduated my Masters without a job, I was trying to conceive and failing, I was lonely due to covid and lost some of the best years of my 20s - but simblr made me happy and was a distraction from those hard things and so I really poured effort into the thing that brought me happiness.

2022 and 2023 forced me to pull back from my Decades Challenge project due to pregnancy and becomming a parent. It felt very natural to drop it at the time, but since finding my groove with parenting and my new life I still want to finish this project because it's been nearly 4(!) years of effort and I'd hate to leave it so close to the end. So that's why I'm still here - in a reduced capacity to what I was in 2020 and 2021 at my peak - trying to get it done. I don't post lookbooks or do cc anymore, because I just don't have the time anymore. But everyone is so encouraging, I have made some nice friends here and I'm constantly in awe of and inspired by the sims, content and stories others are creating. There is so much more potential for historical gameplay in the years since I started my Decades Challenge - farming! horses! infants! - and I hope that my project has inspired others to have a go! That's the best legacy I could hope to leave...

[captainsophiestark]

Drinks With Peggy

Daniel Sousa x Reader

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Written for my 1.5k Follower Campaign! Requested by @everyhazyday - Enjoy! Thanks for sending it in!

Fandom: Marvel

Prompt: "Stop being so dramatic."

Summary: Daniel's S/O came out of a program like Dottie's, so they're still learning how to be in a relationship and communicate with the people who matter.

Word Count: 2,115

Category: Angst, Fluff

Putting work into an AI program without permission is illegal. You do not have my permission. Do not do it.

I swore under my breath, clutching my side as I staggered forward down the street. I only had to make it a little farther, and then I'd be safe.

Come on, I chanted in my head. Come on, you can do this. You've done way worse than this before, what's another block with a little gunshot wound?

Unfortunately, my brain didn't seem to want to listen to reason, instead sending up all the alarms with pain and frustration and my body threatening to shut down on me. Fortunately, all of my training for the first two decades of my life had been centered on overcoming all of those signals, and pushing through anyway.

Finally, the door I'd been looking for swam into view. I straightened up as much as I could, pulling one hand away from my side long enough to knock. It was the middle of the night, so I just had to hope I'd been loud enough to be heard.

After a few agonizing moments of waiting, the door finally swung open. My boyfriend, Daniel Sousa, stood on the other side, hair rumpled and eyes a little squinted, like he'd just rolled out of bed. When he caught sight of me, however, all the tiredness disappeared in an instant, and he lunged forward to support me, one arm taking mine while the other held both our weights up with his crutch.

"Hey! What happened? Are you okay? Holy shit, weren't you and Peggy supposed to go out for a drink tonight?"

I grimaced as Daniel helped me through the doorway, shutting the door behind us. Peggy and I had told everyone in the office that we were going out for drinks together, that much was true. But in reality, it had been a cover, so that Thompson couldn't stop either of us from going out and investigating a new lead on our own. Nobody but us would've made it more than a few steps past the door, but Thompson had recently started on another ego trip when Peggy came out to LA, leaving us to work around him in order to actually get anything done. And unfortunately, Daniel hadn't been in the office to be clued in on our plans.

"We might've... spent the evening a little differently..." I managed, huffing the words out between breaths and grimaces of pain. Daniel shook his head, but refrained from saying anything, at least for the moment.

We managed to make it to the couch in his living room, and he helped me lay down before kneeling next to me. I grinned at him, although it probably didn't look as charming as I was hoping for, since it was contorted by pain and exhaustion. Daniel huffed, his eyes scanning me for the injury causing my pain even as he spoke.

"What happened? Where are you hurt?"

"Here," I breathed, lifting up the hem of my shirt to reveal the bullet wound I'd gotten on my way out. Thankfully, it'd hit me far enough to the side that it likely hadn't taken out any vital internal organs. Still, Daniel swore at the sight of it.

"Dammit, I think we might need to get you to a hospital-"

"What? No, we don't. Especially because it'd be so much easier for the person who did this to find me and finish the job in a hospital. I just need some boiling water, some sheets, and a sewing kit. Maybe some long bandages, if you have them. Otherwise we can just tear up bedsheets."

Daniel had been shaking his head the entire time I'd been talking.

"Sweetheart, I understand the concern about somebody finding you at the hospital, but I don't have the medical knowledge to patch this up myself."

"You don't have to. I do. I've stitched myself up from shit like this a thousand times. I just need you to get the supplies. And I guess it'll be nice to have moral support, this time."

Daniel's face had gone almost sheet white at my words, especially when he glanced back at the wound in question. I just rolled my eyes.

"Stop being so dramatic, Daniel."

"Dramatic! Sweetheart, you have a hole in your body, from a gunshot. You stumbled through my front door almost delirious from blood loss-"

"Just from exertion! It was trying to run and walk with the injury that had me staggering so much, not blood loss on its own. At least, not yet-"

"That's not better!" Daniel took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes for a moment before meeting my stare again. "Do you promise me, on our relationship, that you will actually be alright if I go get you the supplies you asked for and you just... stitch yourself up? It's not gonna give you an infection or come back to hurt you later if we do it this way?"

"I promise, Daniel. I know what I'm doing. Just trust me."

He sighed again, slowly nodding his head as if to psych himself up. After a moment, he leaned in to kiss me on the forehead, then pushed off the couch and got back to his feet.

"Alright. Stay with me, I'll only be gone a minute."

I gave Daniel a small smile and a nod as he turned and hustled off into the house. Even after he'd turned, however, the smile stayed on my face.

I'd spent a lot of my life, most of it really, being basically completely self-sufficient. I'd spent time in a harsh training program similar to the one the SSR's nemesis Dottie Underwood had gone through, which emphasized hitting hard and making sure we could get through any pain that wouldn't outright kill us, all of it done alone. And then, I'd met Peggy. After a while, she'd managed to convince me to join her side, and she hadn't let me feel that lonliness a single day since.

Everybody in her close circle that I got to meet and work with had been the same way. And then, after Daniel and I had spent some time as friends, he'd asked me out to drinks. My immediate first thought had been that he was trying to get the drop on me to poison me, but thanks to all the time I'd spent with him and Peggy and the others, that thought went away relatively quickly. I'd said yes, and we'd had an amazing first date—my first real date ever. The rest had been history.

Now, instead of taking some stuff from a drugstore and hiding in a back alley or a cheap motel while I patched myself up, I could go to Daniel, even if he did worry over me like a mother hen. He was here for me, no matter what, and that wasn't something I'd ever had before.

Thankfully, before I could get any more lost in sentimentality, Daniel returned with the supplies I'd asked for. I took them out of his hands with a grateful smile that might've looked more like a grimace, then took a few deep breaths to steel myself.

"Is there anything I can do to help?" asked Daniel, surveying the scene as he kneeled beside me again. I shook my head.

"Nothing other than being here. I'll let you know if that changes."

"I'll be ready."

With Daniel standing by, acting as my rock, I got to work stitching myself up. It wasn't enjoyable by any means, but it also wasn't anything new. I'd done this before, so I got out of my own head and in the zone while I worked, which made it easier to deal with the pain and discomfort. Finally, I'd cleaned the wound and closed it, then wrapped it up tight in bandages with a little help from Daniel. I sagged back on the couch and let out a long sigh as soon as I'd finished, the exhaustion really sinking in now, especially as the adrenaline faded.

"Are you okay?" asked Daniel, one hand resting gently on top of the bandages as he watched me carefully. I sighed, but nodded.

"Just tired. I think it's worse now that I don't have to stay on guard. I know I'm safe here, with you, so... my body's not trying to keep me on high alert."

"Well, good," said Daniel, leaning down to kiss my forehead before moving to stand again. "I'm going to get us some blankets and snacks, and then we can just rest here for a while, alright?"

I nodded, a sleepy smile making its way onto my face. I managed to stay awake until Daniel got back, which was a near-superhuman feat. Right on cue as he returned to the couch, the phone rang.

"I'll be right back," he promised, dropping the blankets next to me. I nodded, pulling the fluffiest blanket on top of me. Fighting off sleep had become about a million times harder than before I had a blanket, but I got dragged back from the edge of sleep when I heard Daniel's voice coming from the other room. "Peggy, slow down."

I shot into a sitting position—or at least, I tried to. My injury wouldn't actually allow for me to do that, so what I got instead was a slow, partial situp with immense pain. I cried out, and a moment later, Daniel shouted towards me from his place on the phone.

"Hey! Don't pop your stitches, alright? It's just Peggy, she's calling to make sure you're okay!"

"Is she okay?" I shouted back.

"Yes! She's fine! Despite the two of you being incredibly reckless, somehow, you're both fine."

I grinned, relaxing carefully back onto the couch. Being reckless and ending up fine was basically Peggy and I's signature move now.

After a few more minutes, Daniel returned to the room, apparently having satisfied Peggy that I was okay and having satisfied himself that Peggy was okay. He sighed heavily as he sank down onto the couch next to me. I smiled, and he helped me shift over so I could lay on his chest, his arm around my shoulers. I started to drift off, but Daniel's tentative voice brought me back once again.

"Sweetheart... we need to talk before you get some rest."

I hummed, taking a deep breath to try to wake myself up a little.

"About what?"

"About what you and Peggy pulled tonight." He paused, stopping short to collect himself, then continued. "Look, we can talk more about this in the morning if we need to, but... you can't do this maverick, run off on a deadly mission without telling me stuff anymore, okay? I know checking in with somebody is new to you, and I'm glad you at least talked to Peggy instead of going in by yourself, but I need you to find a way to get ahold of me next time. I can't spend the rest of our lives worrying if 'drinks with Peggy' is actually code for 'going to get myself shot, maybe never to return'."

I frowned as Daniel pulled back enough to meet my eyes.

"We're a team here, now, alright? That's what having a partner means to me. It's a teammate for life, like a built in buddy system. I need my teammate to tell me about stuff like this, even if I'm not able to join in and have your back, although I'd definitely prefer to come along. But even if I can't for whatever reason, I need to know it's happening."

I sighed, then nodded. He was right, I was new to this. But I liked what he was saying, and it made sense to me. I'd want to know if Daniel were going on crazy dangerous missions, after all, so it made sense that he'd want the same.

"I promise, Daniel. I'll do everything in my power to tell you from now on. And maybe in the morning, we can come up with a code, in case I can't find you and have to leave a message for Thompson to pass on. That way we can keep the secret if we need to, but you still know."

"I think that sounds like a great idea," he hummed, pulling me back into his side again and kissing the top of my head. I settled into his chest with a smile, the steady rhythm of his heartbeat lulling me to sleep. The mountain of things we needed to deal with in the morning had grown quite high, but after being shot and stitching myself back up, I figured I'd earned at least a few hours of rest. And what better place for that than curled up on the couch with the man I loved most in the world?

****************

Everything Taglist: @rosecentury @kmc1989 @space-helen

Marvel Taglist: @valkyriepirate @infinetlyforgotten @sagesmelts