#i should just try to do some coding projects sometime actually.

[crescentmp3]

unrelatedly i need to become a computer scientist immediately i have to know everything

[creature-wizard]

What the Project Monarch alter programming conspiracy theory is (and what it's not)

When I talk about alter programming conspiracy theories, people often get confused as to what I mean, so I figured I'd write a post to clear things up.

First of all, I am not saying that DID systems can't be indoctrinated or conditioned the same way literally any other human being can be, or that abusive people would never try and manipulate or exploit specific alters. That's not what I'm saying at all.

What I am talking about is a set of alleged practices first described by a number of far right conspiracy theorists, who claimed that the CIA was operating a program called Project Monarch, which was allegedly part of Project MK-Ultra.

Now, the existence of Project MK-Ultra is very well-known. The CIA did in fact conduct unethical human experiments in an effort to actually practice mind control. However, it didn't work out because drugs and the human brain don't actually work the way they thought they did. It's worth noting that these experiments were in part fueled by a fear that Russians were already masters of mind control, because as far as they were concerned, communism had to be more than just a political ideology that was at odds with America's own capitalist system; it had to be something so evil that it could only be forced on people using the most diabolical of methods. They were terrified that American POWs were being turned into Manchurian agents, and they figured that if this a thing the Russians were doing, then they should try and take advantage of this, too. Again, Project MK-Ultra was horrible, but it didn't produce the results they wanted, because Manchurian agents are nothing more than the fever dream of a terrified western capitalist.

Meanwhile, there is no evidence that Project Monarch ever existed. None. Nada. Not a shred. Despite allegedly being practiced by thousands of people in all levels of society since at least the mid-20th century, not a single piece of primary literature or documentation has ever turned up. Keep this in mind going forward.

If you've never heard of Project Monarch before, here's the gist of this conspiracy theory: Supposedly, Nazi scientist Dr. Josef Mengele wasn't actually performing eugenics experiments, and the Holocaust wasn't actually about genocide at all. It was actually a cover for mind control experiments. After the war, Dr. Joseph Mengele was brought over to the US in Operation Paperclip, where he taught the CIA everything he knew. Project Monarch was established by the CIA in order to plant programmers and programmed slaves everywhere in society for the purpose of establishing the rule of the New World Order, which had supposedly controlled Nazi Germany and had now infiltrated the US government. Supposedly, one of the New World Order's big goals was to destroy American conservative Christianity, especially Protestantism. Literally anything that a white American Protestant hyperconservative would find objectionable was supposedly the work of the NWO.

The alleged practices conducted under Project Monarch were broadly labeled "trauma-based mind control," or TBMC. While some people today use this term to refer to any form of punitive conditioning, the term originally had a very specific meaning. Let's talk about how TBMC in its original context allegedly worked. The basic concept goes like this: a very young child (sometimes even a baby) will be put under brutal torture in order to force them into dissociation. If the procedure is successful, the victim's mind will split and form a number of completely blank alters. Somehow, the programmers know which blank alters are potentially useful for programming, and which aren't. Each usable alter will be programmed with a code or trigger that will allow programmers to access the alter (force it to front) later. Supposedly, the host alter will have no memory of any of this.

During each programming session, the victim will be tortured into a dissociative trance, and the desired alter will be accessed. At this point the alter will be taught (typically as traumatically as possible) whatever they're supposed to learn, like how to assassinate someone, how to do complex mathematics at superhuman levels, or how to pose as the perfect Christian housewife.

So theoretically, someone who's basically your regular churchgoing mom could be sent a greeting card with a picture of something like a cute little Scottish terrier, have her assassin alter triggered, and go kill some local politician with some futuristic piece of technology that makes it look like he just died of natural heart attack.

Allegedly, millions of people have been programmed like this, and the average Monarch slave has an average of 1000 alters. Meanwhile, the supposed symptoms of alter programming are so broad that just about anyone with any kind of trauma or mental health issue could be diagnosed with it, and there is nothing they could do to falsify it.

Again, there is literally no evidence that Monarch programming is real. Josef Mengele was not brought to the US in Operation Paperclip; he fled to South America and died in Brazil. The Nazis (including Mengele) were very much all about those eugenics, and claiming otherwise is laughable. Not a single group, institution, or individual has ever been found in possession of programmers' manuals, nor in possession of the codebooks and books of programming records that supposedly (and would have to, if this was really happening) exist out there. Not a single person claiming to be a deprogrammed slave has ever demonstrated any of the numerous skills they were supposedly trained to be hypercompentent in.

Additionally, once you start digging into the actual sources of this conspiracy theory, you start seeing the exact same tropes that feature in The Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion and early modern witch hunt manuals. They've been given some updates to resonate with the fears of post-WWII American WASPs, but it's ultimately the same scapegoating and fearmongering that sent millions of people to their deaths.

It's obvious that most of the people who believe that Monarch programming exists haven't actually read works like Trance-Formation of America (1995) by Mark Philips and Cathy O'Brien, and They Know Not What They Do: Illustrated Guide To Monarch Mind Control (1995), The Illuminati Formula Used To Create A Total Undetectable Mind-Controlled Slave (1996), and Deeper Insights Into The Illuminati Formula (1997) by Fritz Springmeier and Cisco Wheeler. If they did, they'd be pretty hard-pressed to deny that these books are some of the most hateful garbage ever written. These books are chock full of xenophobia, racism, and a general hatred of anyone who isn't a hyperconservative Protestant. Pseudoscience and pseudohistory are rampant throughout, as are now-failed predictions about the alleged future plans of the New World Order.

Some people out there have asked me, "well, what about this other person talking about it?" I promise you, the stuff they are talking about ultimately comes from these books, which were published throughout the 1990's. This includes Unwelcome Ozian, whose books Chainless Slaves and Rules of Programming contain text that's straight-up copied from some of these books. People like Dr. Alison Miller and Dr. Ellen Lacter cite Svali, and Svali's own work describes the exact same NWO conspiracy theory as the works of Springmeier and Wheeler.

I encourage anyone who isn't likely to get triggered by talk of extreme violence (including sexual) to actually read these books so you can see for yourself just how bad they are. A huge part of the reason this conspiracy theory has so much traction is because few people actually know where it comes from, and just how completely ridiculous the whole damn thing is. Just about everything QAnon was on about is packed into these books.

And finally, while dissociative amnesia does indeed exist, we also have evidence that people can confabulate memories of events that never actually happened. Rock-solid evidence, in fact. This is literally what happens every time someone goes under hypnosis to try and remember a past life, and "remembers" a past life in the medieval period filled with anachronisms and historical misconceptions. If you'd like to see some extremely obvious examples of memory confabulation for yourself (some of which don't even involve hypnosis), you can click here and here.

(By the way, the terms "RAMCOA" and "OEA" were created by the ISSTD, for the purpose of making these types of conspiracy theories sound respectable within legitimate psychiatry.)

[kitkatt0430]

Welp, I've been using external methods of auto-backing up my tumblr but it seems like it doesn't do static pages, only posts.

So I guess I'll have some manual backing up to do later

Still, it's better than nothing and I'm using the official tumblr backup process for my smaller blogs so hopefully that'll net the static pages and direct messages too. But. My main - starstruckpurpledragon - 'backed up' officially but was undownloadable; either it failed or it'd download a broken, unusable, 'empty' zip. So *shrugs* I'm sure I'm not the only one who is trying to back up everything at once. Wouldn't be shocked if the rest of the backups are borked too when I try to download their zips.

There are two diff ways I've been externally backing up my tumblr.

TumblThree - This one is relatively straight forward in that you can download it and start backing up immediately. It's not pretty, but it gets the job done. Does not get static pages or your direct message conversations, but your posts, gifs, jpegs, etc are all there. You can back up more than just your own blog(s) if you want to as well.

That said, it dumps all your posts into one of three text files which makes them hard to find. That's why I say it's 'not pretty'. It does have a lot of options in there that are useful for tweaking your download experience and it's not bad for if you're unfamiliar with command line solutions and don't have an interest in learning them. (Which is fair, command line can be annoying if you're not used to it.) There are options for converting the output into nicer html files for each post but I haven't tried them and I suspect they require command line anyway.

I got my blogs backed up using this method as of yesterday but wasn't thrilled with the output. Decided that hey, I'm a software engineer, command line doesn't scare me, I'll try this back up thing another way. Leading to today's successful adventures with:

TumblrUtils - This one does take more work to set up but once it's working it'll back up all your posts in pretty html files by default. It does take some additional doing for video/audio but so does TumblThree so I'll probably look into it more later.

First, you have to download and install python. I promise, the code snake isn't dangerous, it's an incredibly useful scripting language. If you have an interest in learning computer languages, it's not a bad one to know. Installing python should go pretty fast and when it's completed, you'll now be able to run python scripts from the command line/terminal.

Next, you'll want to actually download the TumblrUtils zip file and unzip that somewhere. I stuck mine on an external drive, but basically put it where you've got space and can access it easily.

You'll want to open up the tumblr_backup.py file with a text editor and find line 105, which should look like: ''' API_KEY = '' '''

So here's the hard part. Getting a key to stick in there. Go to the tumblr apps page to 'register' an application - which is the fancy way of saying request an API. Hit the register an application button and, oh joy. A form. With required fields. *sigh* All the url fields can be the same url. It just needs to be a valid one. Ostensibly something that interfaces with tumblr fairly nicely. I have an old wordpress blog, so I used it. The rest of the fields should be pretty self explanatory. Only fill in the required ones. It should be approved instantly if everything is filled in right.

And maybe I'll start figuring out wordpress integration if tumblr doesn't die this year, that'd be interesting. *shrug* I've got too many projects to start a new one now, but I like learning things for the sake of learning them sometimes. So it's on my maybe to do list now.

Anywho, all goes well, you should now have an 'OAuth Consumer Key' which is the API key you want. Copy that, put in between the empty single quotes in the python script, and hit save.

Command line time!

It's fairly simple to do. Open your command line (or terminal), navigate to where the script lives, and then run: ''' tumblr_backup.py <blog_name_here> '''

You can also include options before the blog name but after the script filename if you want to get fancy about things. But just let it sit there running until it backs the whole blog up. It can also handle multiple blogs at once if you want. Big blogs will take hours, small blogs will take a few minutes. Which is about on par with TumblThree too, tbh.

The final result is pretty. Individual html files for every post (backdated to the original post date) and anything you reblogged, theme information, a shiny index file organizing everything. It's really quite nice to dig through. Much like TumbleThree, it does not seem to grab direct message conversations or static pages (non-posts) but again it's better than nothing.

And you can back up other blogs too, so if there are fandom blogs you follow and don't want to lose or friends whose blogs you'd like to hang on to for your own re-reading purposes, that's doable with either of these backup options.

I've backed up basically everything all over again today using this method (my main is still backing up, slow going) and it does appear to take less memory than official backups do. So that's a plus.

Anyway, this was me tossing my hat into the 'how to back up your tumblr' ring. Hope it's useful. :D

[curiosity-killed]

curio's chaotic guide to corralling brain squirrels ✨for Capitalism✨

obligatory disclaimer: my only qualifications are having lived with Cocaine Squirrels In My Brain for my entire life and getting the fun experience of people regularly telling me "you can't have adhd, you're too organized/successful/put together" meanwhile i am regularly held captive by my brain zooming through deep dives on cicada facts at 1 AM on a work night

first off, the general overarching bits:

Come in at 70%. I tell this to literally everyone and am stealing it from my sister, but basically—don't come into your job at 100%. That 100% will be taken for granted by you and your coworkers and become the expectation, meaning when you have a day where the brain is holding you hostage or you're tired or hungover or for whatever other reason can only give 50%, it will be a crisis. Come in at 70%, so 50% isn't a huge deal and you can whip out the 100% for some special sparkle times.

Embrace the good bits. look, lbr. cocaine squirrels are not a great time, generally speaking, in a corporate 9-to-5 space. BUT sometimes there are perks. for instance, I am the person you want in a (corporate) emergency because the right pressure (and coffee and high BPM music) makes the squirrels band together and pull some damn good shit off in crunch time. whatever quirk you feel you can leverage, do it.

okay now more squirrel-corralling thoughts (am I doing this instead of my actual job? obviously.)

build a system of systems

okay i know if I say anything about a planner or to-do list, I will be shot on sight but. well. this is about planners and to do lists

I am a chronically aspirational planner user. I love the concept of planners. love to have such a tidy and organized way of going about life. And I can use planners—for about 1-3 months at a time, max.

what I've found works best for me is to have kind of a rotation of task tracking systems: sometimes my planner*, sometimes sticky notes plastered across my desk/wall, sometimes color-coded to do lists in an actual notebook, sometimes color-coded to do lists in my dry erase notebook, sometimes notes on my computer.

I don't think it super matters what you use so much as it matters to have things in place that you can swap to when your brain stops liking the one you're using

*this isn't an ad but I rlly like the Rocketbook planner specifically because it doesn't have a timeframe, so you don't have to worry about "wasting" it during the months you're not using it. just wipe it down and start fresh whenever it's back to being useful

agree to slightly more than you should (but watch out!)

if i have a normal workload, the effort it takes to make myself Do The Thing goes up by about 50% with a negative relationship to the quantity of work. ergo I am best off if I am just slightly overutilized—if I have about 9 hours of work to do rather than 8. That doesn't mean I always work a 9 hour day (because the squirrels and I fucking hate that) but it means there's just a little additional pressure to help make it easier for my brain to, y'know, execute.

THAT SAID, it is really easy to fuck this up. don't be like me and wind up basically doing an entire contract solo (that was supposed to be a 9-person team)!!! it's bad!

mostly i think this is trial and error, so figuring out the right balance for yourself will take getting it wrong some of the time.

the squirrels crave that novelty

this is also related to the first point, but I've found I get more done if I let myself bounce between projects/tasks more than probably makes sense to people who aren't possessed by manic rodents in their brain.

I try to break down tasks in a way that lets me cross something off (dopamine! or. something??) and lets me skip over to something different/novel as a break (e.g., today I need to copy edit a bunch, draft some appendices for a different project, and create an autopopulating tab for an internal project—so I copy edited one whole section, skipped over to the appendices to get a first pass down, hopped back to the next section of copy editing, and then switched to the internal project).

too much of this can feel like playing pinball with your brain, but giving myself the option to switch out into something different helps keep me from getting into the Dreaded Tedium Stage of things

flexibility and structure

this is going to depend some on your work structure, but use what flexibility you can. My work offers a flex schedule, meaning I can take a four hour break in the day as long as I make those hours up somewhere else. I don't. necessarily recommend?? taking a 4 hour break BUT sometimes the squirrels unionize and demand I vacuum the living room, and trying to ignore it and work will be infinitely slower and more exhausting than if I just get up and vacuum and then get back to work. other times, the squirrels stage a sit-in protest and i am stuck scrolling tumblr aimlessly or re-reading fanfic for no reason and then at 8 PM they decide they actually are willing to do The One Goddamn Task i absolutely must do.

it sucks and I genuinely really hate this part of ADHD, but the best option I've found is to sometimes let them win in the moment and come back to the challenge/ask at a better time (for instance, my energy/focus tends to be worst in the afternoon and much better in the evening, so it's easier for me to get something done in the evening than fighting squirrels all afternoon).

...and on the flipside, where you can impose some self-made structure, it can also help get the squirrels in line. calendar holds (i.e., putting an event on your calendar that's just for a task/project and turning on do not disturb for notifications) can help with this if you're able to stick with them (ime this is a skill that has to be built and practiced), organizing things by 'must do' vs 'quick wins' can help, etc. as with everything, it's a process, but finding a balance between where you can flex and where you can lean on structure to help you along has been beneficial to me

anyway idk if any of this is new or helpful but my personal squirrels have been sated and i do. unfortunately. actually need to work now kbye

[not-terezi-pyrope]

Honestly when those terfs were jumping on me and misgendering me and accusing me of being a sexual predator, the thing that actually most upset me was when one of them called me a "pompous pseudointellectual" for using the phrase "analogous maxim".

I could poke fun like "oh you use a word longer than six letters online and silly people think that you're an incomprehensible try hard because they can't read", but I think it gets at something that annoys me about how people treat language use online. There's a lot of good discussion pointing out that casual/non-formal styles of English are just as valid and can be used to communicate good ideas, and that people shouldn't be shunned for using them in their own space.

But I feel like a lot of people have missed the point in that discourse, which is that any manner of speaking is equally valid and okay and should not be dismissed as "cringe". I do sometimes speak in a slightly, I don't know, unusual(?) way, and that is because these are my own darned posts, and I sometimes like having fun with language that feels nice in my brain, or else I'll use a specific uncommon phrasing because I genuinely think it most accurately encapsulates what I'm trying to say. Does that mean I'm self important and think I'm somehow smarter than other people, and am using language to signal that? Like, no. It's just how I like to speak, and the same goes for other people who have far more exaggerated speaking styles than I've ever used.

People should be allowed to talk however the heck they like without being jumped on for it because people are projecting their own assumptions or insecurities. This goes for people speaking in more verbose styles as well as less verbose ones. Somehow people have managed to misinterpret "don't judge people for how they speak" to mean "speaking casually good, speaking formally Bad and Stuck-up and Obnoxious Male Coded" (yes, really, that last one is bizarrely common). And that sucks, especially since speaking in an "unusual" manner can be a neurodivergent trait, in a manner that some people can't so easily suppress, and so by stigmatizing it people enable a form of ableism.

Maybe assume good faith instead of assuming that someone is being condescending to you because of the way they speak. Wait until they actually condescend, until then that's just your own insecurity you're taking out on them.

[ruckis-vandalizes]

Oh how easy it must be To build on something that already has foundation And receive so much love for it. How easy it is to copy you. It felt hollow and distant.

How tall your towers are They overshadow us They overlook us We who have no foundation; only passion And build from the ground up

"Be happy with what you have." We try but Is it so selfish to want to feed? To nourish so that we may continue to create?

We work just as hard If not sometimes harder and receive only a fraction of praise If we are lucky.

So toss a coin to us when you see us So that we may have the energy To brandish our tools of passion In hopes we don't become obsolete.

I've been struggling lately with feelings of being overlooked as an artist, among other things. Actually I've been struggling with it for a while. I've kept quiet about it for fear of being lambasted and accused of being "selfish". My silence has caused a boiling point to finally be breached and has only served to hurt me further. Even if it's just screaming into the void in the hopes that it will resonate with someone, I need to let it out.

About 4 years ago I had some unpleasant experiences that left my stance bitter on most mainstream media. More particularly the "fandom" aspect of it. Needing to distance myself I started a passion project. A completely original nonfandom hubworld by the name of "Order of the Stars". It helped me immensely. It helped me recover emotionally. It remains to be one of the few outlets I have to properly express myself and indulge in escapism.

But over the course of the years I began to recognize another struggle. The very glaring disconnect between fanart and completely original stuff in terms of how much attention each gets. I will not lie, I fully live by the code of make art for yourself no matter what. But it becomes hard when you notice that difference. That disconnect.

Humans are but simple creatures that need one thing: engagement. So why am I complaining? I've made fanart before, it's gotten a lot of attention. So what's the issue.

That's just it. It's getting attention.

Considerably more so than my original stuff. You may say "then just don't post it." Trust me, there have been plenty of times where I thought about making fanart for something and just didn't in favor of my OotS stuff. Those that I did I make because I enjoyed something and want to share it as well. But in my eyes one IP address shouldn't make a difference and it's sad that it does. At the same time, I already spent a lot of time making that fanart. It would be a shame not to post my work.

But for some reason seeing my fanart get more love than my original works still leaves a bitter taste in my mouth given my past experiences.

I'm so overwhelmingly passionate about my own story and characters and I wish that it would receive the same praise that any fanart of mine would get.

But I feel so incredibly selfish for asking that. All of this. I've always had trouble putting myself first, my wants and my needs. I wish I didn't feel bad asking for the bare minimum. After all I do have friends and mutual who support and like what I do. I feel sick asking for more, but I feel sick being overshadowed by many who I've seen do much less.

This cloud of doubt has me questioning what I even want to do with OotS anymore. At first I wanted to make it a story, but after a few test runs and chapters I realized I should just leave the writing to my sister, who's miles better at it. Then I realized that it would be perfect as a comic book. All the art I make is super dynamic and expressive. But I got discouraged. I didn't want to make something that would require so many more hours if it would just get the same amount of attention as all my other stuff that took much less time. It's the same reason I have a hard time making animations anymore too. And all the equipment I want to get to make it at least a little more bearable and make the process faster is too expensive for someone in poverty living in an era of a financial and housing crisis.

I once had hoped to maybe turn art into a form of financial support. Maybe even to turn this passion project as a means of helping pay the bills. I set up commissions one point in time, but took them down after virtually no requests came in. It made me question my art's value. Did I set the bar too high? I felt like what I was asking for was reasonable. Other stuff that looked about the same quality as mine were asking for the same amount, if not a little more. I didn't want to low ball myself.

So I just didn't set commissions up again. I didn't even think about it until much later. But just when I considered it as an option again the NFT craze hit. I effectively went back into hiding, even moreso to protect my art. Once that fad had effectively died down I thought maybe, just maybe, I'll try again. And then the AI train hit. It hasn't slowed down. Commissioners buying taking WIP sketches and running them through a rendering program, artists having to make their own legal disclaimers to prevent alteration of their work, big companies pushing this as the new age of art... It was a risk I didn't want to take. And I still don't know where to value my art.

I don't want to turn one of my only coping mechanism into a source of stress with expectation. I thought of maybe opening a Kofi but started doubting my worth as an artist again not thinking I had anything of value to offer for Kofi. I overthink things and so far every idea I've had just seems dumb or so far out of reach that it becomes an impossibility...

..So that's where I'm at right now, unfortunately. The world is in flames. I'm held together by a thread. It feels hopeless and I'm so exhausted. I'm so burnt out that I'm in a position of powerlessness no matter what I do. I'm doing my best to hold on. I know it's a matter of biding my time but it's hard too when it feels like a thousand snakes and black bile are writhing millimeters below the surface of my skin. I feel like I'm laying down unable to get up and the slightest touch will make me explode into something corrosive.

I'm sorry to have dumped this here but I'm too poor for a therapist and directly reaching out to someone to talk about it makes me feel guilty for burdening them with problems completely unrelated to them. I don't need consolation, I just need things in my life to change for the better. I don't feel like I can lift myself anymore. Everything feels so far out of reach. I've been shouldering everything for so long and telling no one I was tired. Well.

I'm tired.

[tangents-within-tangents]

Local Ace overthinks headcanon and shipping culture

Happy ace week, my friends! Imma be posting some aspec hc's this week so I felt the need to overexplain my personal stance on orientation headcanons and such

To start, as with any and all fandom things: to each their own. People can do whatever they want, and (for the most part) I can choose what I do or don't engage with. I know that hc and shipping and stuff is mostly for fun, or for seeking/creating representation, no hate to anyone who does it and enjoys it.

But also sometimes things can be problematic and I can still be bothered by those things. Even things that are 'just for fun' or 'not for you' can impact and reflect our views and behaviors, so it's still worth speaking about.

Aro/ace-spec identities are really diverse and complex, and we're really underrepresented as is. We have historically and chronically been plagued by problematic misconceptions and tropes, both in canon representation (or lack thereof) and fanon mindsets. Some of the main issues to be aware of with this topic specifically:

The majority of (sometimes unintentional) representation being non-human characters (like aliens and robots) implying that sex/romance = humanity and/or a fulfilling life. (Here's some video essays that touch on this: X X)

Related stereotype issues like racist or ableist de-sexualization and infantilization of certain groups like Asian men, physically disabled people, or people with autism. (It's an intersectionality thing bc yes those people can be aro/ace as well but it's still complicated) (more video essays! X X)

Common erasure of historically aspec characters in favor of allo plotlines bc that's "more interesting/realistic". Or ignoring canonically established aspec characters in favor of allo shipping (often excused by the fact that some aro/ace people do have sex/relationships, which is true but the complexities and nuances are often ignored and there's lots of double standards) (Here's some posts that touch on this: X X X)

Amatonormativity's over emphasis on sex/romance as a fundamental and necessary part of life, which is often reflected in how media and shipping culture are generally allo-centric, and it can just get pretty pervasive at times (note: we aren't a monolith obv, some aro/ace people enjoy it and participate too, but others don't and it is hard to avoid) X X

So while I know there's lots of reasons for shipping and headcanoning, and for the most part there's nothing wrong with it and people aren't trying to do these things, there are still issues that exist. Honestly seeing posts talking about these things has been really validating for me bc it let me know like yeah this is a problem other's have noticed too and I don't have to just accept it.

So with respect and awareness of nuance, ship and headcanon however you want. The rest of this post is about my own personal preferences and such. I'm not necessarily trying to persuade anyone here, I just have some thoughts I want to put into words:

For me personally, when it comes to characters' sexualities/gender identities/etc, I prefer just to stick to whatever is established in canon (or in confirmed intentional coding), and, if nothing is specified, headcanons that are based in canon evidence (more like theories I guess, as opposed to reimaginings or straight-up projection that knowingly ignores parts of canon. Which is fine and fun if that's what you like but to me there is a distinction). This is because:

1: While fandom culture is all about freedom and creativity, I do think it's important in this day and age to recognize actual canon representation and strive towards that because that is what will reach more people and have impact (and personally I think that writers' intentions should actually be given more thought/value)

2: I think that shipping/hc/fandom culture in general tends to perpetuate amatonormativity (specifically in devaluing/erasing friendship and non-romantic love), and sometimes leads to harmful parasocial queer speculation in real life (though again, I know that's not the intention but it's still a thing).

3: Generally, unless it’s explored as a part of a reimagined fic or something, just saying a random character is aspec (or whatever identity) when they did not present that way at all in the actual media doesn't really help me feel seen.

For example, I've seen a lot of people headcanon Mabel Pines as aromantic and that really threw me off bc in the show she is obsessed with romance. Like if other's see themselves in her that is great I won't stop you (the idea is that her crushes are comphet, which is not something I personally struggled with, and maybe I could see it if I rewatched the show with that in mind) but when I watched the show, I specifically did not connect with or relate to Mabel BECAUSE of my ace identity (yeah this post was mainly about her lol) so it just doesn't do much for me to claim her as aspec, in fact it feels counterproductive.

Sometimes it can feel really tacked on too, like 'well it's not confirmed that this character has sex so they could be ace', or 'some ace people do have sex so they can still be ace.' And like sure yes they could be but often it's like a kid show or something so none of the characters' sex lives are relevant or explicitly confirmed. Just bc they aren't not ace doesn't mean that they are, or that saying they are is meaningful if the character/story doesn't actually speak to anything related to the ace identity or experience. (This can happen with canon characters too, like Sponge Bob being asexual means absolutely nothing to me, especially since I get the sense that the creator said that more in a 'sea sponges reproduce asexually' type of way :/ )

So basically, in terms of representation I prefer the theory/interpretation type of headcanons that have supporting evidence of some kind, because that evidence is what makes me see myself in a character and feel represented in some way by them. So that's the type of headcanons I'll be posting, and that's why I'll be discussing evidence and explanations, even though I know plenty of people have fun and find value in just claiming identities without any of that.

Another thing I feel the need to overexplain is kinda the reverse of that. I think it's important to recognize that a character does not have to be a certain identity for you to see yourself in them. Like that sense of relatability and representation is still valid even if they aren't, and I think it's good to leave space for that ambiguity.

This is coming mostly from the fact that I have always valued platonic relationships (between any and all genders) long before I ever knew I was ace. I've always wished that was better normalized and represented in media and real life. I think that is just as important as queer representation, and sometimes they can counteract each other.

Like yes Min and Ryan could be gay and if that's what the writers were going for despite restrictions, or if people see themselves in that, great! But I would also love for this story to give a close friendship this much narrative value for once.

Merida does not HAVE to be aro/ace (or lesbian) to not want to be forced into marriage with a stranger at the age of 16 (in fact she specifically says "I'm not ready" and "not yet"). But regardless, aspects of her story are still really relatable to us and applicable to living in amatonormative society.

Mako and/or Raleigh do not NEED to be aspec for this glorious refreshing no-romo moment to happen (nor does one need to be aspec to appreciate it)

And maybe claiming them as aro/ace could even undercut the power of this platonic bond (like saying the only way they could not be interested in each other is if they are not interested in anyone (same if you said they are gay, as if that's the only possible way for a man and woman not to be attracted to each other)). But it's still a moment lots of us aspecs love because platonic relationships AND aro/ace characters do go hand in hand and BOTH are so rarely portrayed in media.

So these ideas also play into my preferences, and I want to acknowledge that my headcanons don't have to be definitive (which like I know that is normal amongst fandom culture anyway) but are more about pointing out aspects we can see ourselves in and relate to, especially in a media landscape that is so lacking in representation and understanding of our identities.

[darkfictionjude]

I've followed blogs without a demo before and while sometimes it has paid off - I find myself doing it less and less overtime because all too often I go back to a blog 3/4 months later and find it dead with no demo.

That being said in a lot of cases the demos never being finished feels like a cycle of :

*wanting to foster interest and community around your writing* -> *writing an IF is a huge task and it takes longer than expected to learn coding/write a branching narrative/limit story scope to a feasible level* -> *interest dies down because it has been a long time with no demo* -> *low/no interaction on posts ends up feeling demotivating especially when compared to other IF authors so they lose passion for the project*

To compromise, on my part I don't often follow blogs with no demo but if I'm genuinely interested in the story I try to go back to the blog and like/reblog posts or ask questions if there's anything I'm curious about. I definitely think you should write what you want for yourself without necessarily expecting attention - but attention and interaction is always going to feel good regardless.

At the end of the day as an audience member you're never actually 'owed' free content (especially given that its more often then not a passion project) so I have no hard feelings for writers who make demo blogs just to share some fun info about their characters/story and then dip - even if it can feel disappointing.

It 100% feels weird/kind of scammy to have a patreon if you haven't actually written anything though, because you're taking money from people (who often don't have huge amounts in the first place) before they even know if they like your writing/world/story - and before they know if you're capable of actually fulfilling any of the promises you make (which given that IF is generally much longer than a traditional novel is a *massive* promise to make to your audience in exchange for their financial support).

After an author has dropped a demo (even before any/consistent updates) patreon is all good in my book. At that point the audience has a 'sample' of the writing and can use that as a method to judge if they enjoy it. As long as the promised content on the patreon tiers are being fulfilled - you as an audience member are now getting what you've paid for - and can unsubscribe at any point if you no longer wish to keep paying for it.

Yeah I do feel like writers tend to want to work on something that will sell, and why not? It feels good to know your hard work is recognized and appreciated

This is a very nuanced take, I feel that some people even get angry when writers disappear, which yeah I’ve been burned before but like I don’t understand getting pissed when at the end of the day there are more games out there and as you said, no one is owed free content. IF writers are hobbyists, like this is a side thing for most of us it’s a gruelling hobby not only work load wise but also if you unfortunately get anons being mean to you

Yeah I didn’t want to say that but it does feel strange when there’s no work but there’s a Patreon. Because Patreon is just additional writing, it’s meant to be complementary to the main work. People pay for additional writing because they hope it adds to their experience when reading the IF proper.

I mean based on the name it is a modern version of being a painter in Europe during the renaissance and have a richer patron pay you to make art 😭

[beastinthecave]

Just finished updating my WIP about superheroes and cosmic horror ^_^

The game currently contains the first Episode and the first Interlude.

While working on the game I shifted through the COG documentation, watched GDC talks on branching narratives, read postmortems and played a lot of IFs.

I haven't been able to apply everything I learned to the first chapter of my IF, but I'll keep them in mind for the next one :)

So here is what I learned:

-shocker, people play IFs for the choices (appearantly data shows that one choice or interaction every 250-500words is preferred)

-games which focus on story tend to do better

-major branching should be done towards the end of a game not the beginning

-scope creep is a thing

-false endings, dead ends and fail states should be avoided, since they make for an unsatisfying story

-most games which claim to be 100k words on their first chapter actually have way less if one excludes repeated passages. Often (but not always) it's just a sign of bad coding rather than actual content.

-the majority of WIPs would really benefit from being short focused stories instead of stretching out a 10k word plotline to be 100k

-the vast majority of people only play through an IF once, meaning that if one has to choose between focusing on a good story with flavor choices and extensive branching, the former is preferable. (Although this highly depends on the type of project you are making)

-worldbuilding is cool, but it should not hurt the story's pacing. If the plot stops and an NPC just lore dumps 20 pages of history, players tend to get mad

-most coding questions can be solved by reading the relevant documentation (sometimes you will find what you are searching for in HTML5 documentations/tutorials; not sugarcube/twine)

-new vegas style stat checks (stats unlock optional branches) instead of automatic failure and success based on a number seems to be better for telling a narrative

-aggressively merging branches is the way to go

Some of the stuff here are guidelines at best, but I think that I am still going to try to follow them as best as I can.

[ergodic-mentality]

Entry 5 - Housekeeping

Howdy Howdy.

Ok. So.

As someone with LONGTIME diagnosed ADHD (If I didn't self admit this, trust me, it would become apparent with time) I cannot stress enough how much having a digital recreation of a physical map for story writing helps with executive dysfunction. Highly recommend.

Context:

As a longtime Dork, a fan of Weird Fiction, and an Oldhead by internet terms, it should surprise no one that Remedy is one of my favorite game developers, and I am DEEPLY attached to Alan Wake as a franchise purely off of its deep analysis of the craft of writing and psychological analysis.

When playing Alan Wake 2 (Minor Spoilers for game mechanics I guess?) as the titular title character Alan Wake, you are stuck in a nightmare dreamscape shaped by your own art. As such, you constantly return to his Writers Room where, partially because its a real tactic, and partially because its a video game, you rearrange story elements on a massive chalkboard to effect the game world itself.

Image attached for all my visual learners out there:

Now, I've struggled a lot sometimes with my drafts and organizing my thoughts. I've loved writing for a long time. The closest I ever got to seeing something like this in media before was, admittedly, being shown the Always Sunny clip of the Pepe Silvia rant. While funny, being shown someone's mental shattering it turns out, not the most effective way to teach a writer a valuable tool.

Turning it into a puzzle mechanic utilized by an actual writer however? Very Cool.

Where am I going with this?

As it turns out, there are several programs out there that allow you to basically replicate this kind of visual story mapping out there if you just know where to look. One of the better ones, admittedly, I actually did not find out about until after college, where in my corporate job someone pulled it out (A business major friend of mine) as a part of a team building exercise.

Behold, my Miro board:

(This is not a paid advertisement)

What it is, I hope, a call to those who did not know about it that it is THERE. What it does is give you a nice big infinite void, and allow you to not only draw lines and flow tables and make nice little titles on things, but as you can see, toss digital physical sticky notes around and map things out VISUALLY.

I cannot stress how much this has helped.

Everything to the left of the center line was initial plot building for future drafts of Project Clown Crown. Side characters, plots, building up little color coded stacks of each note so that I know what corresponds to what.

Everything to the right? That's two days of manic work baby. As it turns out, much to my friend recently pointing out, Image and Dark Horse accept open pitches so long as you have an artist team, an elevator pitch for the work, and a solid 5 pages of sequential story telling that summarizes what you plan to do in the first arc.

This normally probably would have taken me a month of staring at a blank google/word doc until I came up with some kind of nigh-incomprehensible bulleted list spanning for pages. Instead, I can pump these ideas down visually now in a couple of hours, rearrange them, note them in shorthand and physically place them in space on timelines for my story.

I haven't felt this kind of power as a writer in ages. Admittedly, part of it is probably a friend actually thinking I have something worth pitching. Part of it is an own sense of self accomplishment and actually being able to visually SEE progress, rather than it just be abstracted word counts on a page.

Am I saying Miro is the only solution? No, I'm sure there are other tools or even better tools out there. All I'm saying is that this worked for me, and I will probably take a lot of my other drafts that I've been struggling with and do something similar with them. If you're like me, and you're struggling with writing or you've hit a wall and haven't tried visually mapping things out, give it a go. Can't hurt to try.

Anyway, I suppose I broke the surprise from Entry 4.1 early here, but yeah, looks like I might be trying to turn Project Clown Crown into an actual piece of media. About damn time I try to publish something. Can't call myself an Author without some body of work.

'til next time.

[black-flag-if]

What kind of story is it?

A motorsports IF. You're a formula driver. It's romance-focused and deals with drama and angst while going after what's really important to you.

Can I romance more than one RO?

Absolutely. Be as messy as you want or as loyal as you want. There will be a choice to lock in who you want to pursue, but for the start, it's up to you what you do.

Will there be consequences?

Yes! Some ROs will deal with it better than others.

If I choose to be friends with the ROs, can I get on their romance route later?

As of now, no. It would be nice to explore, but it's not a priority yet unless I see a good opening for it in the story.

Is there an enemy to lovers route?

I was thinking of doing one for Ryder's route but I haven't decided yet. It fits the character the best, but it's a WIP and I will just have to see how it presents itself later on. So maybe? Not sure yet. If there's a good opening, I would like to add it but it'll just depend on how much I have on my plate.

Is Lane canon?

I don't think any of the LIs are canon. This story works just fine with trying to improve MC and focus on themselves and their career. Take out all the ROs and it's still simply about MC finding their place. It is a romance story though so if you're simply here for the plot and don't want to deal with romance, it might not be as fun but do with your time what you will. I try not to push any of the ROs onto the player, so I hope Lane doesn't feel canon. The story makes sense with any branch. Lane comes up a lot, yes, but they're a big part of MC's past. You should not have any scenes with Lane nor should your MC think good of them unless you choose such options. If you simply want to be friends - they're friendly interactions. If you don't want anything to do with Lane, they should hardly make an appearance in the story except when needed and it won't be anything romantic. So, if you feel like you have too much of Lane, then maybe reconsider your choices. The most important one is if you say you still have feelings. That's telling the game you want to explore that part more so it'll offer romantic choices and a way to reconcile but you will still get a chance to choose what to do with it all.

Will there be jealousy/break-ups?

I get this one a lot. Not sure if that's a good thing or something you all want or are just afraid to explore, but yes, this game has all of that. It'll depend on the RO because not everyone is jealous, but expect some angst, arguments, breakups, etc.

Why is there no back or save button?

I am working on a save button for future update. Back button will still not be implemented simply because it will be a coding issue for this game.

There's a bigger chance for errors if I let you go back to fix something because some codes use a variable that tracks choices. An example is I sometimes use "history macro" and if you visit the passage more than once, the code won't work so you'll end up with missing information and it will fail to properly connect you to other passages.

When are updates?

I don't have a schedule. It's a WIP, it's a side project, so whenever I have time or energy to write, I do, and update at the end of every chapter.

Why am I not answering you?

I don't purposely avoid comments unless the messages are rude. If I don't answer, but you want an answer, please try again. I could have simply missed it. Send in with a username instead of anon so I can actually get back to you. If I have something to say or add to your comment, I usually do unless it's repetitive. If it's already answered in FAQ's, it's also another reason I might not answer from now on.

Find spelling, errors, or mistakes in general?

I appreciate people letting me know and yes, send them in, but PLEASE let me know WHERE. The sentence or screenshot will work fine just so I know where to look. If you just say there are mistakes, I have no idea where to look and will most likely stay that way until it comes up again. If you want a reply but not make it public, please give a note stating so and I won't post it publicly. Instead, I can just reply to you personally if you don't write as an anon. Thank you to everyone that sends the mistakes in, especially to some anons that take their time to write out every sentence where they saw a spelling mistake. I appreciate it and you make things loads easier.

[subwaytostardew]

Update: One year on the tracks!

It's been a year (and a week) since we first started working on this mod! April 25th is when I first started working on this project! Terrible timing since that's literally the day before my birthday and I'm too busy to make anniversary updates the day of. Thank you everyone following this mod despite how slow we chug along!

If you see the first ever post Thylak did over on his main - you will just see my little comments discovering his work and instantly being like

*Fast excited ADHD typing* I GOT IDEAS.

Rest is history....

We've been hard at work trying to get the mod complete enough for a (still unfinished...) release! It won't have everything we have planned (marriage events, Elesa events, platonic route, roommateable Cilan, etc.) because it would take forever otherwise (we keep getting ideas for additions...)

So many ideas. Sometimes we have to dial it back...... The amount of times events had to be cut down for concision... and we still struggle to keep them under 8 minutes...

1.6 broke a lot, so sorry for the delay in updates! (WHY CA WHY!) We've been having to do a lot of backtracking and behind-the-scenes work. (SO MUCH BACKTRACKING) Pretty much every event broke. I have to resprite all the portraits to match the vanilla-size because HD Portraits is still not updated. The schedules need fixing.

But despite all of that, the station bundles are done! We also redid the house exterior for submas because it was ugly. I did not know how to do pixel art a year ago. Nor did I know how to decorate maps. They have a whole new area off to the side of the Railroad now!

We hot potatoed that map so much. First Thylak would work on it. Then I did. Then back to him...

Still need to get around to adjusting their schedules to switch their coordinates to the new map when they're working on the Railroad. Previously, they were just pacing around in the various empty areas of the Railroad. Now they have trains.

The house itself was actually two different structures with a seperate clock tower but then we decided it looked better overlapping the bit of roof peeking out. It's much less flat now.

Submas have a mailbox that adheres to Stardew's perspective.

No longer is the house a cardboard cut out with shading and lighting. LOL (I didn't know how to sprite buildings!!! I put all my effort into Emmet's walk cycle!)

Also speaking of mail boxes... since it been a year; I'm sure all ya'll are curious to how we do our modding, story, etc. We encourage you to hit the mail car button and ask away (so many of you already have) But since it's been a year. Go Crazy.

But I will nip the common asks tho.

Some Common Asks.

"Is this mod SVE (Stardew Valley Expanded) Compatible?"

No.... Unfortunately due to the complexity of both mods. (Ours due to railroad being used. And SVE already expanding on a bunch of stuff) It will just be compatible with vanilla and any mods that does not replace or edit the railroad (majorly).

We did move submas's house over to the side so it won't overlap the farm it adds or impede any space that you want to use the Railroad's empty spots of land for, but it's still very much a "play at your own risk" type of thing. I'm not familiar enough with SVE to code compatibility for it (not familiar at all actually... I don't play the game enough! All my time is spent working on the mod! All I do is stare at google docs and type walls of text! I'm not interested in SVE anyways for personal reasons.)

SVE is infamous in the modding scene since it changes pretty much every map and steps on other mods with incompatibility. I don't want to deal with making two seperate events with the coordinates/movements edited for compatibility. It should be compatible with most other expansion mods like Ridgeside Village or East Scarp since they mostly keep to their seperate areas and not edit things unless necessary (like submas do now)! SVE changes too much to gurantee compatibility and for the sake of my sanity I won't provide it. If it works, great. If it doesn't, pick and choose for that save.

So.. SVE and our mod. Incompatible....

"Release Date?"

Unfortunately it is still undetermined! (Due to our busy schedules.)

(For example - I myself work 2 jobs and currently going through a lot of chaotic life stressors.....)

However, we will make a progress post soon about how much left on our list where we are satisfied with moving onto the next stage of our mod which is.

There's actually not much new content planned until we're ready for initial release, we mostly have a lot of behind the scenes cleanup and backtracking. I still have portraits to do (I took a break... switched off to mapping). Event-wise I want Emmet's 10 heart event to be done and a few station/side events we have in the drafts. We'll need more festival dialogue (since... they don't show up unless if I have stuff for year two for some reason). After that, we get into more fun stuff! Patches!

PATCHES! Oh we love a good mod patch! And we have a lot planned. Meaning there's still more ahead on the tracks!

"Are they romancable?"

Yes. Yes they are. HOWEVER! WE DO SEE YOU AROACE COMMUNITY! And we will be making a route that will be planned in the next comming phase to make them platonic relations as well!

It's the first stop on our intinerary! We'll release the platonic route alongside the marriage event update so there's something for everyone.

We are just following vanilla format at the moment as it is easier coding wise. And also a good place to start planning where the branches are going to happen. Making roomates is a bit more complex... I have to make a custom item for "proposal" much like the void pendant.

I think that covers the common asks... OH!

Also! Since we have released the Joltik Adoption aspect as a separate mod as well as a little fun tease (And test run) - before we actually drop Subway to Stardew. So sorry the event didn't work at first! I was testing on the main expansion mod. Should be fixed now!

We recommended that if you find any JOLTIKS. Scurrying around. Causing trouble. (Aka Bugs.) Please send in an ask! Or head over to Nexus to drop a bug report! It will help iron out some things that we may not be aware about before release!

And when we do release we HIGHLY encourage the bug reports cause it's just two of us... <_< and those Joltiks get into everything! (Doesn't help that THYLAK KEEPS THROWING THEM EVERYWHERE! I find them in my paperwork... and Atwood's bedding.... My poor Phantump. He can't catch a wink without a Joltik scurrying all over the place!)

It's just me doing all the coding (All. Of. It.) so I hope you all can continue to be patient while I work on things! Sorry if I miss some things! We probably won't playtest too extensively before the initial release, so please do report any bugs you find then!

▷ Station Steward Thylak

[magesofmucloch]

Mucloch School of Magecraft

To whom it may concern,

A project has begun which aims to transform a once-loved story by an infamous figure into something devoid of the flaws which are so telling on her own views.

We are pleased to inform you that no matter your age, race, religion, gender, sexuality, or disability, you have been accepted at Mucloch School of Magecraft. Please find below the cut more details on this project.

Yours sincerely,

Professor Tally 🌋 (ze/zir) and Professors Aces ♠️ (he/they)

Important

How to support trans people in the UK

I plan to collect more, here's a start:

Current progress (will be updated as we go)

Currently we are on Draft 1 of Mages of Mucloch Book 1. This means that we are going through and making the necessary changes to the original book. A full post on our process is planned and will be linked here.

Our Code of Writing

Harmful things will be corrected and/or removed. We are working to change every issue that we are aware of. Many of these changes are in effect in the world prior to the start of the story. However, no world is perfect, and some issues are still present at the start. These will be actively discussed and dealt with over the course of the story - the characters will leave the world better than they found it. If there is an issue we seem to have missed, do let us know.

No representation is better than bad representation, and we won't settle for no representation. We hope to include as much representation as we can of the real-world diversity of human life, so that as many people as possible can see themselves in the story - especially those whose existence was neglected or vilified in the original. We are doing our best to research and write these well, but as we are a small team and do not have lived experience of everything we wish to write about, do not be afraid to point out potentially problematic representation.

Everyone's the hero of their own story, or, It Doesn't All Revolve Around Harry. Other people have their own lives entirely unrelated to the Chosen One, and we want to show you as much as we can of that. POV will vary and many storylines will be explored.

This is a fanfiction (or if you like, a foefiction - I cant find the post I first saw that word in but I'll link it if I do!). While at this point it probably wouldn't be difficult to write it as a completely original work, its birth was in despair at the original author's views and the desire to make something we love out of something we once loved. Therefore, it shall not be cut from its roots. Standard fanfiction rules apply - we are not making money from this, nor should anyone else be.

All forms of bigotry (including but not limited to sexism, racism, homophobia, transphobia, and ablism) will not be tolerated. This is a safe place for systems of all origins.

We, as humans, still have biases to unlearn, and welcome people politely challenging us if we contribute to these issues. However, we will not be entering debates on them. Do not come at us trying to convince us to hate others, just block and move on if you don't like us.

FAQs

Wait, why is that different? It wasn't a problem before!

If something about the original story that was completely fine has changed, one of three things may have happened:

Changes snowball. Earlier changes will mean later things must change. For example: Harry is left with Mrs Figg instead of the Dursleys, because they were abusive and it was excused as "blood family is more important than anything" instead of the adults who knew moving him somewhere safe. The way Dobby's visit plays out in Book 2, therefore, is necessarily different.

We thought it would be interesting/made more sense. Sometimes - either because of a prior change or because of an odd choice by the original author - it makes more sense to do things differently. Sometimes we just think it'd be more interesting, or open up new writing and story options. For example, the main trio are no longer all in the same house.

We had fun. Worldbuilding is fun, and we really made this story our own. Many of the changes were made because we liked our ideas better, or as a result of worldbuilding rabbit holes. Case in point: we renamed Hogwarts. Why? Hours of researching ancient languages to name/rename other magical schools led us to the conclusion that it should have a Scottish Gaelic name. Mucloch is derived from mucc, pig, and loch, lake. Hogsmeade is still called Hogsmeade because it was discovered by an Englishman, of course he renamed it from its original name and claimed he founded it. (In the original he did just found it, but this made more sense to us.)

If spelling/terminology/etc seems a little odd, we are writing in British English as it is set in, well, Britain. Furthermore, not everyone on the team speaks English as a first language.

Will it be translated to other languages?

That is the intention! We'll have to write it first though!

Will you write outside of the original seven books?

We plan to continue the story after the conclusion of the original seven, yes. This will not involve the later play in any way (the changes do, in fact, make it functionally impossible even if we wanted to!).

We currently have no plans to write full books of the Marauders, but we will include information about those years, including in flashbacks.

One professor is also already writing fanfiction of a specific fairly minor character they wanted to explore more and intends to publish it (though not before their appearance in the main series is published).

Tags

Anything pertaining to the stories we're writing will be tagged #mages of mucloch

Anything pertaining to real world events will be tagged #muggles of mucloch

All characters mentioned/referenced in a post (with the exception of this post) shall be tagged in a "first name, last name" format. Trans characters will not be tagged by their deadname even if it appears in the post

Frequently asked questions will be tagged #faq - worth a scroll through if you're wondering something!

Posts on our writing process will be tagged #the making of

[melancholy-marionette]

The Shuddering Releasing Later Tonight (hopefully x3) - then I will go cry myself to sleep T_T

Sooo, I'm gonna do my best to still release my O2A2 project later tonight like I'd hoped to, buuuut, my PC is now defunct AGAIN >.< Firstly, *puts on happy face* meet Styx! Voiced by the incredible - Vivian Reed :D

Styx may have a feminine appearance with an androgynous (but feminine-leaning) voice, but, being non-human, doesn't actually have a gender!

Styx is the only entity you'll encounter in The Shuddering, and is almost a little too pleased to see you!

*reverts back to sad face*

Sooo, yeah, I currently don't have a working PC again T_T Thankfully, I was able to export builds of The Shuddering prior to it becoming unusable, but if there are any bugs, I won't have a way of fixing them :(

I'm now attempting to finish off the itch page & draft posts on the old potato laptop once again!

This is the 2nd new PC that's been sent to me after the 1st one was faulty and had to be returned, and as of yesterday morning, it is stuck in an endless cycle of BSODs with all different error codes. During troubleshooting, the memory diagnostics tool also flags critical errors with the RAM. The 2nd PC has been kinda dodgy since day 1 with it randomly failing to boot some days + audio crashing randomly and then refusing to play any media files with sound. It also hangs randomly when just browsing Windows Explorer.

I did contact customer support to try and get help with the issues, but they just told me to do a CMOS reset, which sounded terrifying >.< I don't wanna touch any of the components inside the PC cos I worry I would break them!

Since I was in the middle of otome/josei jam, I just left things as they were and did my best to put up with the weird crap going on with the PC, making backups each night out of paranoia. My hope was that I would make it through the jam okay and that maybe the issues would improve somehow. But nope, they just got worse >.< Now I'm stuck with a PC I can't even use. Sometimes it refuses to boot entirely, others, it boots, but then only stays on for 5-20 minutes before it dies again. I spent most of the day (and night) troubleshooting, but nothing helps.

Customer support says it's probably gonna be a case of sending it back again for repair... but I would really just prefer to have a refund at this point :( They've sent out 2 now that don't work properly. Why would I have any faith left that a 3rd would be better?

I just want my money back so I can buy a PC from somewhere else that might actually send one that works. Actually getting the company to refund me is going to be a battle though I imagine. One that I'm really too tired to fight :( I don't have a choice though because the stupid thing took me years to save up for, so I don't have the luxury of just letting it go.

I swear I should have just demanded a refund right away when the first one they sent me sounded like a goblin revving up a chainsaw was living inside the case as soon as you powered it on >.<"

Anyways, sorry, just needed to vent because I'm stressed and devastated at the moment by it all. It took so long to transfer all my files and stuff over, and I've lost a small amount of project data for both LOVESTARVED & The Shuddering :( My paranoia backups mean most stuff is safe for now, but it's still frustrating to lose anything.

Here's to hoping the poor potato can at least hold out to launch The Shuddering later! x3 But first, I need a big break because I feel sick at this point, haha.

[dottie-writes-haikyuu]

Crash Landing

This is part 13 of my fic Not Everyone Survives (But I will do the Best I Can). More info and other chapters can be found here.

After a crash landing, victims must adjust despite being disoriented, and learn to move on. Or, simply learn to move once again.

Keiji was a mess. He had been able to put together a good front for the rugrats but aside from that, it was clear he was in distress. He couldn’t sleep alone, but he couldn’t go to sleep without patrolling the inside and outside of the base, and he woke up in the middle of the night crying. He slept with Kuroo some nights, then Kenma and Yukie other nights. Sometimes he slept with Lev, or Konoha, or Yaku. He woke up, calling for Koutarou, and then sobbed when he realized that his lover was not there, guilt consuming him.

In his defense, it wasn’t just him. Kenma had to be wrestled away from work, Kuroo was running on autopilot to avoid thinking about it too much, Kai and Eve were inseparable and angry, and everyone was just… not themselves.

“We’re having an intervention,” Kaori announced. “Before one of you does something idiotic, or actually loses it.”

They were all sat in the conference room, and Tetsurou could feel Keiji trembling next to him. But he was always shaking, even more so since Bokuto had been taken.

Kuroo was only mentally checked in because this was different from the code he’d programmed himself to follow. Kenma’s hands were twitching and Tetsurou reflexively passed a puzzle gadget to the blonde, who caught it. With his hands at work, Kenma looked a little more present.

“Messenger has Bokuto. We can’t do shit about that right now. But having collective mental breakdowns won’t help either.”

“What else are we supposed to do?” Kai questioned.

“Plan for when we get him back. And what we’re gonna do to them for taking him.”

“They’ll expect us if we try to get him this soon after they’ve taken him,” Kenma pointed out.

“And Messenger’s artillery isn’t something to mess with,” Lev added reluctantly.

“So, even though we don’t want to, we have to let him stay there for a while so they stop expecting us,” Konoha said, his voice quiet. Keiji’s eyes snapped over to the other.

“Are you insane? You’re seriously considering letting him stay there? We don’t have a clue what they’re doing to him, or if they’re gonna kill him, or—“

“He said he’d give him back. But not until after whatever they’re trying to do,” Kenma interjected. “We just don’t wanna wait. Which is reasonable. But if we try to get him now, we risk our safety and his. Just a few more months.”

Maybe, if God was real, he was just testing them all. How fucked up. Keiji opened his mouth then closed it. His tremors got worse. Kuroo decided against speaking.

It was, ultimately, Keiji’s decision. They all were looking at the short ravenette, probably waiting for him to speak. Tetsurou squeezed his shoulder.

“We’ll, uhm…we’ll wait, then.”

“What are we gonna do when we get him back?”

“Let’s wait until we get to that point,” Konoha said quickly. Lev nodded along.

“Yeah, let’s worry about that when it’s time to worry about it. We’ve got…more than enough to worry about right now,” Yaku said with a small sigh.

“Yeah. I just…” Yukie trailed off. “Let’s just focus on keeping things afloat until we get him back.”

“We’ll get him back,” Eve said, nodding to herself.

—

Subject 8’s experimentation was going well. Some of the desired characteristics were already showing up, and it was hardly fighting recently. The glowing eyes had already started manifesting, canines sharpening.

Things were going as they should be. They could truly begin with Project Savior soon. When he walked into the lab that morning, Subject 8’s eyes snapped up to look at him, and maybe he was smiling a little too widely because a startled hiss jumped out of the other.

Huh, that was a new ability. It looked shocked, itself.

“Oh, no need to be upset, now,” he said, and its brows furrowed. “What next, you’ll be roaring at me? Like some sort of monster?”

It gave no reply. It never did. He didn’t need it to.

He wouldn’t be observing today, as there were things to do. But how intriguing.

“That wasn’t something we gave you. You developed that on your own. You’re becoming less human by the day, aren’t you? Will Torch even want you back when we’re done, then?”

He let out a small chuckle when Subject 8 frowned.

“I— they’ll come for me,” it said defensively. “And I’m still human, just…a little different.”

He scoffed. “Let’s go with that.”

“They will come for me.”

“Then why haven’t they? We’ve had you for a month and a half. Why didn’t they come for you right after we took you?”

A growl. He laughed.

“Oh, wow! And you say you’re human?”

Hinata shook his head, shrugging. 

“No matter. Project Savior will succeed.”

He started for the door, then turned to tilt his head at Subject 8.

“You will save all of us. Human or not.”

—

It was nighttime when they came. Koutarou flinched, and then there was beeping and his collar loosened and there were voices shushing him. A click of a lock, then the cuff on his right wrist opened and the chain fell to the floor.

“We’re gonna get you outta here,” one of the voices whispered. A rugrat. “This is fucked up.”

“Wait, if he catches you—“ he started, being shushed again.

ItHe could kind of see the rugrats. There were seven. Another approached him and removed his collar, grimacing at the burn scars that were definitely there. Meanwhile, his other hand and his feet were unchained.

“Don’t make a sound. We gotta pass by Captain’s room to get out.”

He nodded, and they exited the lab. It had been so long since he’d seen anywhere outside of the lab. He crept along behind the rugrats. How funny, his life was now in their hands. He was being led by rugrats, instead of rugrats being led by him.

How funny that he needed saving.

He caught sight of the door and felt his heart leap. Was he really about to go home?

Did they still want him there?

Of course they did. Shouyou had just been trying to get to him. Keiji would always want him. Even with his newer features. The others, too. They needed him. That was irrefutable. Or, he hoped so. He was so absorbed in his thoughts, moving on autopilot, that when they finally reached the door, he was a little startled. Then it clicked.

He was going home. He grinned, an excitement he hadn't felt in months filling his veins. He suppressed a purr, still unused to the sensation. A nudge had him sprinting, and then he heard a yell behind him.

“You traitors, all of you!!! If he gets back, I’m going to kill every single fucking rugrat in this base,” Shouyou’s voice shrieked. “Tobio, go reactivate the fucking collar! I am not letting him get away.”

Shit, shit, shit. His breath picked up and he ran faster. He was unarmed, it was dark, and he was so, so far from base. The moment the collar activated, it was game over. He would either scream so loud that mutants would find him, or maybe he'd just be burned to death by the voltage. He couldn't go back, though, that would most certainly yield consequences too and then those rugrats’s efforts would be in vain. So he ran, quicker than he ever had gone before. Was it adrenaline or a result of experimentation? 

He wondered if this was how deer felt, back when there were deer, being chased by something they certainly could not outrun but running anyways. Did he even remember the way back to base? It had been two months. He was only running, with the hopes that he would make it there. Away, he needed to get away. He had to get away. Maybe Keiji was still trying to save him. Maybe he'd run into his lover while he was running, his lungs contracting and expanding quicker and quicker. Air began to burn as desperation filled him. A desperate hope that clung to him, clawed at him.

He felt the collar flicker back to life and his breath hitched, heart stopping, and then it started.

—

The screams were likely heard for miles. Subject 8 was immune, so Shouyou was in no rush to retrieve it. Maybe the burning electricity combined with getting maimed again would teach it a lesson, before the executions tomorrow. Seven rugrats. Seven. Shouyou was fuming, saying all of these thoughts into the air between them.

Tobio watched the ginger pace back and forth, the faint shrieks of agony heard even at base. His boyfriend’s hands were trembling and he'd never looked so maniacally angry. He looked like he was losing himself. Tobio hardly recognized him.

“Shouyou. We should go get him–”

Those eyes snapped over to him in fury and he quickly corrected himself.

“It. Before they kill it. Or before the collar does. The voltage is higher, now. It's not meant for extended use.”

“Then, change it,” his lover gritted out, something akin to disdain in his voice. The ravenette flinched at the tone, wringing his fingers together before going to do just that. At times, even before the experimentation started– even before Hinata learned of Bokuto’s immunity –there would be moments in which Kageyama truly didn't recognize him. He acted different, almost as if he didn't recognize Tobio either. Just another thing he was mad at, that wasn't doing what he wanted it to do.

He wondered if Hinata loved him during those moments.

When they finally retrieved BokutoSubject 8, it was trembling, bleeding, and the distinct stench of charred flesh filled the air. Tears streamed down its face and when they arrived it let out a fearful hiss, scrambling away as best it could as it heaved another sob, shaking its head desperately.

“Kei…Keiji,” it sobbed, curling in on itself. The collar was still going, and it scratched at the object weakly, wailing. Tobio opened his mouth, uncertainty worming into his heart for the first time since this had begun. Well. The second time. The first execution had been the first. So he was maybe going to say something– perhaps Shouyou would listen to him –when the ginger spoke first.

“Pathetic.”

And with that he doubted himself. So he simply nodded, though he disagreed, wringing his hands together instead.

“We should…get it back to base. Before it…”

For a moment, he saw Shouyou– his Shouyou –glance toward him in concern, but it was quickly replaced by agitated confusion. A quick kiss pressed to his lips by a stranger, then the ginger moved to haul up Subject 8’s trembling form. Immediately it shrieked, writhing and clawing at him in a desperate, blind attempt to get away. He sounded more animalistic than human, each desperate cry bordering on primal, and Tobio put a hand on Hinata’s shoulder. The ginger backed away and Tobio crouched in front of Bokuto. He kept his voice soft, gentle.

“Hey, hey, the only way I can make it stop is if you let us take you back,” he tried, and got a purely distraught whine in return. The other yanked at the collar again, trying and failing to stop what was probably destroying his skin right now.

“If you come back, I'll let you have one message to Keiji. Alright? Collar will turn off and we’ll fix you up, get you back in your head. But you have to come with us.”

Those hazy eyes looked up at him and watered.

“Keiji…”

Delusional, maybe, from all the pain, the man latched onto him.

“Make…make it stop, Keiji, please, please I'm sorry they found out I'm sorry,” came the broken sentence which gave him pause.

However, playing along was likely best. So he willed himself not to stim and instead soothe a hand down Koutarou’s back.

“I will, don't worry. Just let us take you back.”

A nod, instantly. With that, he carefully hauled the larger man up and they began their trek back to base, Tobio soothing little whines and growls along the way the same way he may sooth a child, or one of the strays he used to take in before the Crumble.

“You'll be alright, Kou,” he murmured, the lie sticking like glue between his teeth before coming out silky smooth.

“We’ll be alright.”

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[just-a-carrot]

Helloooo!!! I was looking for inspo for my own visual novel a little while back, it's set in a ballroom so eventually the keywords lead me to discovering save the last dance (and itch.io in general im a total noob to this lmao) i dont know what it was but it just like took a vice grip around me INSTANTLYY.

So I downloaded the main game today and I am actually silently cursing you because I got nothing done all day I was just like transfixed. The artstyle grew on me alot, and oh godd the character designs... God I love the designs, espcially Genzhou's. There's just so much love (even in every gruesome death scene lol) put into this it's almost difficult not to get obssesed...

Also sidenote I found it kind of encouraging almost to see that you're (self-proclaimed) older, I found that really inspirational lol. There's something that just makes me want to create and actually sit down and learn when I play your games. I guess I've always had this feeling of having all the time in the world but recently I've been feeling almost like it's too late to learn new skills (which is kind if ridicolius since I'm like smack dab in the middle of gen z). Regardless I guess your work made me realize the artistry in visual novels, I could keep going but I tend to ramble lol

ahhhhhhhh this is so sweet!! i got very weepy reading this, especially as i'm already feeling quite soft today as it was a bit of an anxious one... 😭💕

that's fascinating that you found StLD first searching for ballroom stuff!! i am always curious how people first find out about any of my games. i'm happy you enjoyed it, especially enough to go play the main game sob. i'm incredibly touched

and i'm even more touched that you've been enjoying the main game so much 😭💕💕💕 especially all the kind words about the art!! i've grown more confident in my art more recently but especially in the beginning stages of the game i was incredibly self-conscious and worried about it because it was rather odd-looking and didn't match any other typical VN styles. so that's really sweet of you to say. this game certainly has had a lot of love put into it (and blood, sweat, tears, my entire life... etc.). it is very much a big passion project and my eyes were perhaps too big when i got started, but because it dug itself so deep into my psyche and i also made some good decisions like releasing in parts, etc., i've been able to keep working on it until the end despite it taking me like 2.5+ years so far. i'm not even sure i can put into words what this game and chars have done for me and my life and the many journeys and discoveries i've made along the way

dkjfalsdkf yes... i am a millenial, i will say that much. though i don't often feel like one. except for the fact that i often have no idea what people are talking about or referencing and tend to be awkward and confused most of the time LOL this is also why my characters are all older, as well. i sometimes feel a bit strange since i feel much older than many of the others in the VN dev sphere (well, perhaps in age only, not really in mental maturity maybe LKDJAFLKDS). if this can give inspiration to others that are also a bit older though, then i am glad 🤣 i have spent much of my life going from thing to thing and never really knowing exactly what i want to do. case in point my current job has nothing to do with my master's degree. though the one constant has always been creation of some kind, whether it's drawing or writing (and now with games, doing both of those on top of scripting and coding and a bajillion other things lol). i don't think you should ever feel "too old" to do something. or to get started doing something. or to feel like you "haven't done enough" etc. i say this so strongly because i also try to reassure myself sometimes perhaps LOL it's also ok if you don't know what you want to do so you're just trying out different ideas that you're passionate about. so many of us just wanna find something that makes us feel fulfilled and passionate, that makes our hearts ache, that fills us with joy and motivation. so if you can find something that does that for you, no matter how old you are, grab it and don't ever let go lkdajfalskd

at any rate, i'm glad i could also help you discover more about VNs in general. i hope it will be helpful as you work on your own games!!! 💕