#i swear to god this was supposed to be a shitpost

[genericpuff]

A theory as crazy as it is profound in a silly r/im14andthisisdeep kinda way

So there's this conspiracy theory of sorts that's been whispered within the ULO discord and subreddit the last little bit. I don't think anyone's made an outright statement on it yet but it's definitely something people have been casually talking about in the comment sections and chatrooms, mostly as a joke, but also as a thought experiment.

And that thought experiment is concerning the notion that Lore Olympus could very well have become a poorly-made AI comic.

Not necessarily the art, as we've already dissected the art process plenty of times before and it points to Rachel simply being bad at team management and using her mismanaged team as a way to circumvent any real effort on her own part.

But the writing. There's just something about Lore Olympus' writing that's become incredibly stiff, boring, and alien.

Disclaimer before I continue: this is a tinfoil hat theory, and a lot of the points I'm about to discuss can be easily proven with far more reasonable explanations, so take it with mountains of salt. That said, I do think it's something worth talking about as we're currently in an era of mass AI-takeover in the art and writing scene, and let's face it, Lore Olympus nowadays really does feel like it's either being written by an alien, or an amalgamation of possessed animatronic endoskeletons wearing a human skinsuit. So viewer beware, this post is full of speculation and tinfoil hat wearing, read at your own discretion and don't take everything I'm about to say 100% seriously.

Let's get started.

THE TONE OF VOICE

This is where that whole "animatronic wearing a skinsuit" vibe really shines, so I figured it would be where I'd start. Lore Olympus... does not feel human. It's dialogue often feels stilted and scripted, none of the characters have any sense of personal voice, and it often feels like the dialogue is coming straight out of a sterilized Wikipedia article.

There are also often times when characters will say one thing only to be responded to with an entirely other thing. It comes across as randomly generated, like the dialogue is being created based off a script that is only given prompts as to where it needs to end up - so everything between Point A and Point B ends up feeling like non-sequitur filler at best and outright nonsense at worst.

In fact, there can be better tone of voice and dialogue found in the legitimate AI conversations of Lore Olympus themed ChatGPT bots.

And this is a bot that's self-aware it's a bot, so it definitely has that going for it.

The more likely explanation: Rachel's bad at writing. She's planning these episodes maybe 2 weeks ahead at a time at best so she's just throwing dialogue in to keep readers spending money and meet her panel quotas. Her characters have no voice because they aren't, in and of themselves, characters. She hasn't given them any depth beyond their appearance and she clearly has next to no understanding of writing outside her own headspace (and her actual headspace as we've seen is... yikes) so it's not surprising that her dialogue-writing is on par with Shenmue 3. And Shenmue 3 is a game with real human-written dialogue that exists so it's not a stretch that something like LO's bad writing could be entirely the fault of a human either LOL

THE NARRATIVE INCONSISTENCIES

It seems since the start of S2.2 (post-mid-season hiatus which starts us off with the 10 year time skip) narrative inconsistencies and plotholes have become far more egregious, sometimes contradicting itself within the same episode. Almost like scenes are just happening from single idea prompts and no actual structure underneath the surface.

The more likely explanation: Just like the first point about stilted dialogue, this could easily be chalked up to Rachel just not committing to goal-oriented writing. She doesn't have any sort of end point planned for any of these plotlines, she just drags them out until she can finally think of a way to resolve them, if she even resolves them (many often aren't resolved, or are simply left as a "yep, that's it, moving on" type ending, ex. Eros and Psyche).

STRANGE SYNTAX AND CONSTANT TYPOS

This goes hand in hand with the first point about stilted dialogue, but part of what makes everything feel so stiff and robotic is how often the sentences are structured in very... odd ways. From the lack of contractions that make sentences feel less natural-

-to the strange choice of words that no human being in a modern setting would ever use (and LO is, again, set in a modern setting and is trying to portray the gods as being 'just like us')-

-to the numerous typos and spelling errors.

(there are so many I could post here but the "his deam" one always makes me laugh lmao)

It really feels like a lot of these sentences were pulled straight out of Twitter or a Wikipedia article. As a result, it never feels like these characters are talking to each other, but at each other.

As for the typos, at this point, Rachel really has no excuse for how frequent they are. Fortunately, she has hired a copy editor recently which seems to have mitigated these errors, but if there were a bot involved, it wouldn't be farfetched to think that the bot would also make spelling mistakes and stilted dialogue if it's been trained off Rachel's past material which is, y'know... full of spelling mistakes and stilted dialogue.

The more likely explanation: It's a well known fact that Rachel has dyslexia, so I'm not going to fault her for struggling with spelling things right. None of this is to shame people who struggle with dyslexia and reading disorders. But the fact of the matter is, Rachel is a multi-million dollar creator in the year 2023 where spellcheck exists. It's wild that she's only now taken on a copy editor. Literally any of her assistants that she's had for the last few years could have done that for her. It's great that she's hired a copy editor but it feels like too little too late. That isn't going to fix the stilted dialogue, either, which just comes down to, yet again, Rachel being a bad writer. And possibly a series of animatronic endoskeletons hiding in a human skinsuit.

REACTING TO CRITICISM

The irony of this post is that it asks not to take every speculation I write here seriously because it's just that, speculation, and we shouldn't get carried away with conspiracy theories... which is exactly the sentiment we had back when we initially suspected Rachel of spying in the criticism groups, which turned out to be true. It's basically public knowledge at this point that Rachel lurks in the criticism groups, thanks to both testimonials from others who have been in groups who got hijacked by Rachel (see: Broseidon's Palace of Fishposting) and the 'clapbacks' in LO that are clearly meant for the audience.

But it's wild to think that Rachel would really spend time in criticism groups when she's said it herself that she "doesn't like criticism". And considering she already spends an absurd amount of time on social media, it would be really ridiculous if she was still finding time to also lurk in the critic groups and concoct ways to 'get back' at them.

Unless, of course, there was a bot parsing criticism hashtags like #antiloreolympus and #loreolympuscritical. I can personally attest to the fact that Rachel must be subscribed to hashtags in some capacity because I've had Lore Olympus fanart (way back in the day when it was actual fanart and not foe-art) get retweeted by Rachel herself literally seconds after posting. So either Rachel is just constantly refreshing the search feed all day, or she's directly fed tweets and posts with the hashtags she's subscribed to.

The more likely explanation: Rachel literally just spends an absurd amount of time on social media and considering she clearly only involves herself in the beginning and end process of drawing her comic - and only has a buffer 1-2 weeks ahead of time - she's definitely got plenty of time on her hands to lurk and hurt her own feelings in the criticism spaces. She could also just have her mods sending things to her as well. Either way it's icky behavior and I wish she'd do herself and her mental health a favor and just stay out of the fandom spaces, they aren't for her, they're for the fans.

HOW IS IT GETTING WORSE?

Consider everything I've laid out here. Remember that Lore Olympus is a comic that's been in development since 2017, and in the Originals catalogue since 2018. Its Originals version turned 5 years old in March and technically LO is well into the 6-7 year age range in total. It's absolutely absurd that after all these years, not only has the story fallen apart, but the art has lost the quality it once had. Comics are a medium that encourage improvement, you're drawing lots and typically the same characters and settings over and over again, it's natural progression to get better at doing it over time. And yet, Rachel seems to be getting worse at it, and her involvement in the comic seems to be shrinking with each year.

Of course, improvement is optional. Not every comic gets better over time. Which brings me to my final piece on this matter.

The most likely explanation: Rachel is burnt out and not interested in LO anymore. This is the longest project she's ever done, and while it's not the first webcomic she's done on a schedule, it is the first one that's made it further than a handful of chapters (The Doctor Pepper Show ended after about 1-2 years, not even making it to 10 chapters). She even stated herself in the beginning that LO was a project she'd "never finish".

While it is a testament to how far LO has come from its humble beginnings, I think it also serves as a precautionary tale - success can come at the expense of your happiness and integrity if you've trapped yourself in a project that no longer fulfills you.

Rachel's never finished a long-term project, and at this rate, it's hard to say when she will. As well known as it is that she has dyslexia, it's also well known that she has ADHD, and speaking as an ADHD creator myself, I can fully empathize with and understand that webcomics are hard to create, and get more exhausting to see through with each passing chapter. There's a reason not everyone does long-term comics like this, they're incredibly hard to manage and require a lot of commitment. Even I've found my commitment to current projects wavering as the honeymoon phase has worn off and I've sunk into the reality that is monotonous work, panel after panel, episode after episode, deadline after deadline.

If Rachel were a more experienced creator and more self-aware of her own limitations and work methodology back in 2018, Lore Olympus likely would have never been dragged out this long. She may have gotten the chance to finish it while she was still happy with it, or at least leave it behind when she was ready to move on. While I'm sure the allure of signing on with Originals felt worth it at the time - especially when we didn't know yet just how exploitative Webtoons was - it clearly hasn't benefitted her in the long run because it's tethered her to a project that she never felt wholly dedicated to in the first place. A project that's now less about telling a story and connecting with an audience and more about generating clicks and revenue.

She can claim all she wants in her interviews that Persephone and Hades were her "muses" as a child, but the writing is on the wall - LO was a passing fancy that stuck around too long after its heartbeat gave out.

What it's become now is an endoskeleton on life support, made up of statistics and analytics, struggling to stay alive from inside of a colorful but rotting skinsuit that only barely resembles a living thing.

[im-tired1124]

I’d like to apologize to the entirety of the Castoff fandom for this image. Unfortunately, I have once again been possessed by the accursed homosexual hand.

Alright, if you want context as to why the Hot Crispy Kentucky Fried Fuck this thing exists, I posted a picture of my face on Instagram, to which one @zerodoesartyay responded with:

To add context to this context, I made a collage of Frankie and Vector drawings, however since the only good place you can find poses that involve physical contact that aren’t horny, violent, hornilly violent, or violently horny is the “cute couples poses,” section, these drawings ended up being really really unintentional…🌈Gay.🌈 Hence, why with Zero’s latest comment made me go, “Screw it, a bit has been made, and I am going to commit to it, no matter what it takes.” That’s how this thing happened.

Please, god, don’t let Star see this, I don’t want to cause her any brain damage.

Only adding tags because Tumblr will give me shit if I don’t.

[taonpest]

"Cool tattoo of The Miracle, my brother in Christ"

[sarafinamk]

Space Riders Shenanigans Using Incorrect Quotes

There is no Archangel (Reader) in this post. This is just pure chaos revolving around the Smiling Critters crew and Z.

For more information on my Archangel series, check out my author's note at the end of the post. To read my fanfics and other shitposts, click here.

The Smiling Critters Space Riders Au and the character "Z" belongs to @onyxonline Hope y'all enjoy!

Warning: Swearing

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Kickin: Caw caw, motherfuckers!

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Z and Dogday: *staring into each other's eyes*

Catnap: *opens a soda can*

Dogday: We're having a moment.

Catnap: I'm having a cola.

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Hoppy: If I can't cause tiny bits of chaos every day, I think my body will shut down.

----------

*Prepping for a mission*

Hoppy: Yo, you ready to go?

Catnap: Yep, got ready in 5 minutes.

Dogday: Where's Kickin?

Hoppy: *Laughs* Still in the shower.

Kickin, from the shower: GIVE ME A SECOND, OKAY??? DO YOU THINK I WAKE UP THIS BEAUTIFUL EVERYDAY??? NO! THIS TAKES T I M E

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Bubba, in a diplomatic meeting: I dunno if I'm ready to process the ramifications of this bullshit.

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Z: That's ridiculous, the Captain doesn't have a crush on me.

Catnap: Yes he does.

Bobby: Yes he does.

Dogday: Yes I do.

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Catnap: Are you mad?

Picky: No.

Catnap: So sharpening your knives at 3 in the morning is just a hobby?

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Dogday: We are not mad. We are just disappointed.

Catnap: No, we are mad.

Dogday: Yes. We are. We are livid. But we are going to let this one slide.

Catnap: No, we're not!

Dogday: I am not a mind reader, Catnap!

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The Prototype: Enough! How dare you mock me in such a manner?!

Catnap: Well, how would you like me to mock you? I take requests.

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*During the Space Riders' trainee days*

Crafty: Wow, this parking is as straight as I am.

Hoppy: I know I should be focused on the fact that you just came out, but HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY PARKING!

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Literally anyone: How many siblings do you have?

Dogday: Biologically, legally, or emotionally? Because there is a difference.

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Catnap: I will put 'A' down to make 'A.'

Picky: I will add to your 'A' to make 'AT.'

Crafty: I will add onto your 'AT' to make 'RAT.'

Bubba: I will add onto your 'RAT' to make 'BIOSTRATAGRAPHIC.'

Hoppy: *flips the board*

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Kidnapper: We have your friend.

Bubba: You will have to specify.

Kidnapper, with Z glaring at him: The- the sexy one.

Bubba, sighing: He made you say that, didn't he?

Kidnapper, crying: Please come and get him. He won't stop flirting with me and my wife.

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*On a date*

Dogday, to Z: We both look very handsome tonight.

*Later*

Hoppy: You know, if you'd just said that he looked handsome, he would have said, "So do you."

Dogday, with his face buried in a pillow: I couldn't take that chance...

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Picky: I baked you a pie!

Cultist: Really?! What flavor?

Picky: *pulls gun out of the pie* DEATH!

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Bubba: Goddamn it, the printer broke while printing out Dogday's birthday invitations.

Catnap: Well, what are they supposed to say?

Bubba: "Dogday's birthday."

Catnap: So, what do they say instead?

Bubba: "Dogday's bi."

Catnap:

Catnap: Works out either way.

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Hoppy: I sort of did something and I need some advice, but I don't want a lot of judgement and criticism.

Bubba: And you came to me?

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Bobby: Oh, I have a medical condition alright. It's called "caring too much." And it's uncurable!

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Dogday: When did you know?

Bobby: I know a lot of things, Dogday.

Dogday: Why didn't you tell me I was in love with Z?! All this time I could've just -

Bobby: I told you from the start. I spelled out that boy crush to you, to your face, and I don't want to tell you I told you so -

Dogday, groans: Then don't.

Bobby: But I told you so.

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Kickin: Dead leafs? That's called yard salad now, and it's the new food trend.

Picky: *Leaves*

Kickin: Where are you going?

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Bubba: I swear to god I'm the only one here with a braincell.

Hoppy, Kickin, Catnap, and Dogday: ALL HAIL the keeper of the sacred braincell!

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Dogday: This is a very powerful artifact. You'd be messing with some forces we don't fully understand.

Hoppy: That sounds like a dare to me.

Dogday: Oh my god.

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Picky: *sharpens knife* We've got ways of making people talk.

Picky: *cuts piece of cake*

Prisoner: ... Can I have some?

Picky: Cake is for talkers.

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Dogday: I'm not gay, but you look hot today.

Z: We're literally dating.

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Kickin: Hey, do you think I could fit fifteen marshmallows in my mouth?

Bubba: You're a hazard to society.

Hoppy: And a coward. Do twenty.

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Z: It's pretty cold outside... wanna hold hands? We should stay close.

Dogday, blushing: Okay.

Hoppy: It's fucking summer.

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*Picky cooking*

Kickin: Smells good in here.

Picky: Better smell good, it's dinner.

Kickin, picking up a strainer: Oh shit, heard you're not supposed to yell into these things.

Picky: What- Why?

Kickin: You'll strain your voice.

Picky:

Picky: Leave.

Kickin: *leaves the room cackling*

Picky: God-

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Bubba: What's gone wrong, Hoppy?

Hoppy: Hey! That's one hell of a thing to say to a person. Just because I'm calling doesn't mean there's a crisis.

Bubba: That's technically true, I suppose. Why are you calling?

Hoppy: Well... There's a crisis.

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Bobby: I know you love him.

Dogday: I am not in love with Z!

Bobby, smugly: I never said who...

Dogday: *realizes*

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Bubba: I just accidentally prematurely sent an email to Commander Ludwig... It was supposed to say "I am afraid that we will have to postpone our meeting," but I hit send when all it said was:

Bubba: Dear Commander Ludwig, I am afraid.

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Crafty: The only thing I'm guilty of is being adorable...and also assault with a deadly weapon.

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Hoppy, T-posing in the doorway: Greetings, Bubba.

Bubba, not looking up from his coffee: Good morning, problem child.

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Bobby, looking at the squad: Okay, so I need to become a therapist faster.

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Kickin: I'm 80% awesome 20% water and 100% handsome.

Bubba: That's 200%

Kickin: I'm twice the man you'll ever be.

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*Bobby training Dogday on how to flirt with Z*

Bobby, whispering: Just tell him "You have beautiful eyes."

Dogday, whispering back: Good idea.

*Dogday turns to Z*

Dogday: I have beautiful eyes.

Bobby: ...

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Kickin: You have crayons?

Crafty: Yes, I have-

Kickin: You're- how old are you?

Crafty: YES I AM AN ADULT AND I HAVE CRAYONS. I HAVE A BOX OF EMERGENCY CRAYONS IN THE CABINET UNDER THE TV BECAUSE EVERYBODY NEEDS CRAYONS SOMETIMES, OKAY? EVERYBODY NEEDS CRAYONS.

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Picky: Did you wash the dishes?

Catnap: I thought you wanted to do that...

Picky: *chuckles* You were WRONG.

----------

Bubba: That's a nice argument, Kickin. Why don't you back it up with a source?

Kickin: My source is that I made it the fuck up!

----------

Kickin: I'm a firm believer in "if you're going to fail, you might as well fail, spectacularly."

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Dogday: Does everyone know their job for today?

Crafty: Water the flowers.

Bobby: Vacuum the carpet.

Catnap: Wash the dishes

Hoppy: Pretend to be a wolverine.

Dogday: Close enough.

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Picky, washing the dishes: Who the fuck used this pan??

Picky: Wait. I the fuck used this pan...

Hoppy: It was you the fuck.

Picky: It was I the fuck...

Bubba: Who cooks rice in a pan?

Hoppy: She the fuck.

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Bubba: If you've got any questions, just ask.

Kickin: If a bear and a shark had a fight, who would win?

Bubba: ... If you've got any RELEVANT questions, just ask.

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Hoppy: *sighs*

Catnap: You bored?

Hoppy: Yeah.

Catnap: Wanna start drama for no reason?

Hoppy: I thought you'd never ask.

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Kickin: *Gasp*

Bubba: WHAT??

Kickin: What if soy milk is just milk introducing itself in Spanish?

Bubba: *inhales*

Dogday, in another room with Catnap: Why can I hear screeching?

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Picky: Alright, what pizza toppings should we order?

Catnap: Anchovies and pineapple.

Hoppy: I like beets!

Z: Have you guys ever had a cheese-less pizza?

Picky: I'm disowning all of you.

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Crafty: Hey, Dogday? Can I get some dating advice?

Dogday: Just because I'm with Z doesn't mean I know how I did it.

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Kickin: We can bake these cookies at 400 degrees for 10 minutes or 4,000 degrees for 1 minute.

Picky: No, that's not how you make cookies.

Hoppy: FLOOR IT!!

Kickin: How about 4,000,000 degrees for 1 second?!?

Picky: YOU'RE GONNA BURN THE SHIP DOWN-

Kickin: I'M GONNA HARNESS THE POWER OF THE FUCKING SUN TO MAKE COOKIES!

Hoppy: DO IT!

Picky: NO-

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Dogday: Good morning.

Bubba: Good morning.

Catnap: Good morning.

Kickin: You all sound like robots, trying spicing it up a bit.

Hoppy: MORNING MOTHERFUCKERS!

----------

Dogday: How did you crash the ship?!

Hoppy: So I was just flying today, right? And my navigation told me to go straight.

Hoppy: I was like "woah, that's homophobic." Instead, I went gay. And, THAT'S when I got into an accident.

Dogday: ...

----------

Dogday: Z kissed me!

Catnap: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!

Dogday: It was unbelievable!

Bobby: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!

Crafty: Okay, we wanna hear everything. Picky, get the wine and disconnect the communicators. Captain, does this end well or do we need tissues?

Dogday: Oh, it ended very well.

Picky: Do not start without me! Do not start without me!

Hoppy: Okay, alright, let's hear about the kiss. Was it a soft brush against your lips or was it like a, you know, "I gotta have you now" kind of thing?

Dogday: Well, at first it was really intense, you know? And then, oh God, and then we just sort of sunk into it.

Bobby: Ohh... So, okay, was he holding you? Or were his hands on your back?

Dogday: First they started out on my waist and then they slid up and then they were in my hair.

The girls + Catnap: Ohhh.

*Meanwhile with Z, Kickin, and Bubba*

Z: And, uh, and then I kissed him.

Bubba: Tongue?

Z: Yeah.

Kickin:

Bubba:

Z:

Kickin: Cool.

----------

Author's Note: Thank y'all for the love and support you've given me so far. You guys have been amazing. Trust me, I haven't lost interest in the Space Riders Fandom, and I have more ideas for the Fallen Angel series. It's just that I have classes to make up for this summer because of negligence from my uni. I'll do my best to post more, but just be patient with me. Thank for your understanding.

[tatarella]

Disclaimer: the rough sketch for this was traced from the meme.

I swear to god, one day I‘ll stop with the shitposts.

Today is not that day.

Eugene’s and Gavus‘ dynamic reminds me of another ship I really like: Phoenix Wright (Naruhodou Ryuichi) and Miles Edgeworth (Mitsurugi Reiji) from the Ace Attorney series.

The chaotic, creative lawyer who adopts kids left and right, and the stoic rival prosecutor with a very intricate chest decoration.

This is one of the more famous scenes from the series and somehow I had to imagine Gavus in that situation.

My usual ramblings: This was supposed to be a 30 minute low-effort shit post, hence me tracing the meme for the rough sketch.

I ended up working the whole weekend plus the last two evenings on it, learning new sketching and painting techniques. So at least it also falls into my „getting out of my comfort zone“ motto for this January.

And here is the original meme for reference:

[diabollicallyangelic]

SUCCESOR

Page 1

FNAF fic

---------

Characters:

Vanessa

----------

TW: violence/gore/child death

----------

Vanessa was good at listening. Always had been.

She was good at staying invisible, hiding just out of sight. 

And by god, she was good at following.

Those were her rules. Stay out of sight, stay safe.

All until the good old age of 6, when it all blew up in her face.

She was just a child.

She didn't know

But the vision clung to her mind like the blood still staining the walls.

She had wandered down the hall of Freddy's, trying to find her dad. It was after hours and she wanted to go home. Not that she actually knew what that was, but it was a reasonable want.

Vanessa had gently pushed open the door, her long golden blonde hair draped in front of her widened eyes.

A giant gold rabbit, weilding a knife. 

It's paws were drenched in blood.

A child, screaming and kicking and struggling under the rabbits grasp. 

She would never forget the look on his face as he made eye contact with her, and then the screaming went quiet as blood spilled onto the cold stone floor of the closet.

The rabbit stood to its full height, slowly turning around and freezing in place upon seeing the tiny Vanessa.

She shook with fear, stepping back.

"P-please don't hurt me." She spoke quietly, her voice wobbly.

The rabbit dropped the knife and kneeled down to Vanessa's height, taking off it's mask.

Father.

Vanessa choked in disbelief, her eyes watering, her mind racing. what was happening??

"You aren't supposed to be back here, sunshine." He says softly, taking her small hands in his blood soaked ones.

"I-I know I just w-wanted to find you-" Vanessa cries, falling into the arms of her father. 

She wanted so desperately to be comforted, shivering violently as William patted her on the back. 

"Dad?"

"Yes, honey?"

"W-who is that?" 

He goes quiet.

There's a long moment of silence before he finally speaks, "Noone of importance. Now help dad clean up this mess, alright?"

It was that day that Vanessa was no longer invisible.

It was that moment that Vanessa couldn't run anymore. 

Everything caught up to her.

She shakes her head lightly to clear it, staring at the many different crayon drawings hung up on the wall.

It's not like she could do anything, anyway. Sharing information would get her killed by her father- or worse, hords of attention from authorities, news places, she might even lose her job.

*I wish I never opened that bloody door*

She glanced down the hallway she'd walked down so many years ago .

*I was young, I didn't know- I couldn't of known.*

But a part of her still blames itself. 

She could've been so much better.

--------

Page two! vv

[sk3tch404]

Hehehe, who am i indeed? 👀

Jokes aside, so I like, remember when I said that used to use Ren'py at one point? Yeah, I just opened my first (and still incomplete) VN again after like 2019~ an HOLY SHIT that opened up a vault of forgotten memories O_O

Context: the game was supposed to be like a Y/N parody shitpost game featuring:

-Y/N, no you can't insert your actual name to replace it, she was literally named Your Name

-Anthony 'Nonny' Minus, not tumblr anon anonymous but like, hacker man anonymous based off of bad Wattpad fanfictions, yes he's the love interest

-a bunch of other parody characters I made with a friend back then, that includes a DiaLovers Ayato Rip-off, a Koreaboo parody, said koreaboos extremely Swedish boyfriend, 3 characters from a story we had to make during german period (I can go into mild detail if you want) and all of them also followed the unbelievably ridiculous naming scheme but I didn't get far enough to make actual sprites for them, so the only design reference I've got of them rn is in IRL traditional

Also while reading through the game I remembered how fucked up i made Y/Ns backstory (you can ask about it, because this ask is already approaching biblical lengths again so I'm not gonna exposition dump even more :,))

-Ren'py anon

RENPY ANON THE AYATO RIP OFF IS KILLING ME

HELP???

Omg I hate Ayato 2nd last. The brother I hate the most is Laito bc THAT CHURCH SCENE??? OH NAHHH U GOT ME FUCKED UP.

Ayo anonymous hacker love interest be sounding hella 😏 he better not touch my code tho. Or we finna have some problems.

That koreaboo needs to either a redemption arc or be pummeled into the ground. No exceptions. That includes that European swedish fucker (I hate Europeans! 😊 /hj)

The 3 German class characters sound real fun. Give me them now 🤲 I need to hear a German person to cuss out the love interests

I like that whole, no you are Y/n not urself, bc if it's a shit post THANK GOD. Hell nah I ain't Y/n whatchu talking about? Ur the crazy one not me.

I dont actually hate Europeans. Issa joke I swear.

You can send in more about your crack game! I'd love to see what weird shit you've been up to lmao

[empyrealarc]

May I, a woman respecting feminist, see at least one breast from you my queen? I do not mean to seem an improper male, and if this request disturbs you, please make me aware. You, my queen, deserve the utmost respect of any female. However, many of my gender seem to sexualize women and view them as sex toys. However, my Queen, I do not share these views. Rather, I value the female spectrum of life as the superior, and I, a respectful male, request for the viewing of an isolated, singular breast.

    “I love my simps.”

This was going STRAIGHT to the groupchat, you had better believe that.

[lovelyjasmari]

Twisted Wonderland Reaction Part 6 ~ Yelling at the Tweels Edition

Finally! We are finally done with chapter 3 in EN! Hoping we get the beginnings of chapter 4 soon! ✨

Before we dive back under the sea, I’ll be posting the first part of my SECOND Danica vignette story this coming Friday. I honestly didn’t think I’d write a second one so soon after finishing the first but I had so much fun writing it. TWIST has taken over my life and has given me brain worms. So here we are. 😭

Now onto the fish mafia! Warning: pic heavy with a lotta swearing, shitposting, yelling at the tweels and one or two NSFW jokes. 🤐

When Trein’s cat catches you nodding off in class... 

Yuulan, sweetie, I’m think you’re becoming a tad too self-aware for your own good...

Ahh, don’t be like that, Mr. Grumpy-Puss! You know you’ll miss us when we’re gone! 

Damn right, Jack! LETS FUCKING GOOOOO!!! 

F 

Okay...so...this implies that The Little Mermaid exists in this world as a movie WHILE KING TRITON STILL EXISTS AS A REAL HISTORICAL FIGURE. And considering the implications with what happens later in the mirror...ahhh...my head hurts...

Also, I could literally hear the moans from the Disney execs collective circle jerk as they added this line. They aren’t wrong though, that last “I love you, Daddy” from Ariel never fails to pull at my heartstrings. 😭💕

BUT WHY DOESN’T THE MERMAN HAVE EYES?!

Aaaand, with the return of eel-Jade, comes the departure of God from the chat. I swear to God I’m not normally a fish fucker, idk what is going on! 😳😳😳

SHUT THE FUCK UP! I CANT EVEN ANYMORE! 💀

Well ain’t that rich! Coming from the man telling us to steal a photo from a museum. It’s probably a very cute photo too! 😤

And I have Tsunotaro to thank for it! 😁

Why does this sound like something I would have said like 15 years ago? 

Shut up, Grim! He’s trying to enslave half the school and repossess our house! A little bullying is perfectly appropriate! 

NO SHIT SHERLOCK

Oh wow, oh wow! Again, I know this is supposed to be horrific, but I LOVE THIS DESIGN! It’s so pretty! This is probably the most gorgeous overblot design so far. At least until I see Vil’s overblot. 

And what the hell were you talking about before, Azul? You look stunning as an octopus! SHUSH! 😍😍😤

SHUT UP! You aren’t one to talk when did the exact same thing in the last chapter!

SEE?! He agrees with me!

Floyd, sweetheart, my sweet feral child, please be stop talking before I beat you with a stick (affectionate). 

At least these two have the right idea, such good boys. ❤

Yuulan: It may be a raggedy ass shack, but it’s MY raggedy ass shack! 

Damn, sweetie, don’t look so thrilled to to see me. Especially when I brought you Dairy Queen. 😭

Ummm...thank you?

You’re gonna stop teasing me with those fangs, or no Dairy Queen for you! 

Nope. ya’ll just missed him. He’s probably fed up with you two squabbling over him all the time. 

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?! Like I KNOW what it is, but WHY?! WHY?! WHY IS THE RAT HERE?! WHYYYYYYY?

When I showed this to my brother, he made an Unreality joke and said perhaps Mickey found Twisted Wonderland while trying to find Quadranum. I screamed into my pillow for a good 5 minutes. 

Yuulan: GET OUT OF MY...oh? Museum trip! Hell yeah I’m down for that! 

Jack simping for King Triton...😂

Ah shit, here we go again...

Welp, that’s all of chapter 3! Now let’s look at of Jade’s dorm uniform story!

I have never wanted so to be a shoe so badly, hell I’ve never wanted to be a FOOT so badly! Ughhhhh. 😭😭😭

Sometimes, these jokes write themselves. 🤐

LIKE HOW HE WORMED HIS WAY INTO MINE?! 👀

[20rubixcubes]

enhypen as baristas

maknae line x gn!reader (comedy, fluff, mild angst)

~1.2k words ea (headcanons)

warnings: cursing

a/n: i just wrote this for funsies, please be mindful that there is heavy swearing in these headcanons (particularly in ni-ki’s part), so if that isn’t your taste, perhaps skip this one! other than that, the rest of this is pretty chill, so i hope you enjoy my shitposting. oh, and lmk if you like this enough to want part two with the hyung line 👀 just maybe i’ll do it

sunoo

was only recently employed as an afternoon shift employee and was both shocked and distressed after discovering the cafe didnt have an instagram

“what do you MEAN you dont have instagram??? how do we post selfies???” “sunoo we sell coffee” “NO ONE WANTS COFFEE JUNGWON THEY WANT CUTE BARISTAS”

starts an instagram for the cafe and takes aesthetic pictures of his latte art

his selfies get way more likes though

speaking of his latte art, he masters the skill like a week in and everyone else is incredibly jealous

their jealousy wears off when jungwon tells him that he has to start training the new apprentices

pretends he forgot how to do it for like a week but it hurts his pride so he begrudgingly agrees to train the apprentices instead

in his free time he can be found snapping pictures around the shop, eventually expanding to taking pictures of the others too

“sunghoon stop moving you look cute and i need to take a photo” “sunoo im holding hot milk” “does it look like i care beauty is pain sweetie”

other than that, he sometimes sits in the booths to snack on muffins and do his homework since he only comes in to the shop for about an hour during his school lunch break and on the weekends

you meet sunoo after applying for an apprenticeship, wanting to get a job before you finish high school and start college

seen as though jungwon looks like the boss, you approach him, nervous for your first shift

“i’m here for the apprenticeship program?” “oh yeah! one second!”

he trots off to the back room, leaving you standing awkwardly in the middle of the cafe

“SUNOO GET OFF JAY YOU HAVE AN APPRENTICE TO TRAIN” “*gasp* YOU MADE ME SMUDGE HIS LIPSTICK I'M QUITTING” “NO YOURE NOT GET OUT THERE RIGHT NOW”

the yelling pauses before who you presume is sunoo stomps through the back room door, a scowl on his face

he spots you, groaning loudly “are you the apprentice?”

“yes” you say meekly, guilty for seeming to ruin his shift

he gestures you to follow him behind the counter, pulling an apron out from under the sink and shoving it to your chest

its clear that hes pissed, yanking his tools out from the cupboards as you tie your apron behind your back quietly

“have you made coffee before?” “only instant coffee” “oh fantastic”

he seems to be getting more irritated by the minute before he takes a deep breath and starts directing you around the machines

“to do the art, you angle the mug like this and draw with the milk, but it wont show until it reaches the top so dont go crazy”

as if its nothing, he demonstrates by drawing a perfect swan in the milk, setting the latte down and dusting his hands off

“wow… thats amazing” “i know right? no one here appreciates me enough” “they should! this is the best i’ve ever seen”

he grins at your compliment, nodding with satisfaction and sending a wave of relief over you as you notice he looks less angry with you now

“um… im sorry if i interrupted whatever you were doing before” “oh, that? i was just doing jay’s makeup” “you like makeup? me too! i’ve never seen a boy interested in it though, thats really cool” you smile genuinely at him as he blinks in surprise

“really? you think its cool?” “definitely!”

you watch the gears turn in his head before he smiles widely, seeming to have come to some kind of revelation as he nods

“i like you.”

your cheeks heat up immediately, but before you can say anything in return, he starts calling out for jungwon, leaning over the counter

“JUNGWOOON, CAN WE HAVE THIS ONE?”

“well thats up to them” he looks up from the table hes wiping down, adjusting his apron as he walks over to the counter

“so youre all finished with the course? i hope sunoo wasnt too much for you”

“i wasnt! anyways, youre employed, okay?” “sunoo stop theyre just an apprentice”

he groans loudly, irritated once more as he whips his head to you

“you have to work here, ok? i said so, so come back and apply or i’ll be mad!”

you laugh at his antics and smile “i’ll see what i can do”

after jungwon pries sunoo off of your arm, you return your apron and leave the shop with a wave

“YOU BETTER COME BACK!” is the last thing you hear as you step out onto the street, the bell ringing to signal your exit

a week later, you return to the shop, slightly anxious that your new friend(?) might have forgotten about you

but this is quickly washed away when you hear a high pitched squeal from the counter

“JUNGWON! HURRY THE FUCK UP AND GET THE FORMS THEYRE HERE”

you laugh as you approach the counter, a teasing tone on your voice

“are you supposed to be talking to your boss like that?” “whats he gonna do? fire me? im the only one who can make coffee in this place” “true”

soon enough, jungwon comes out of his hiding place, his hands clasped together

“im really sorry to ask this but please, you have to work here, sunoo hasnt shut up about you all week and i dont know if i can stand him anymore, i’ll even pay you extra please dear god”

you give sunoo a look, only receiving an innocent smile and puppy eyes back

“sure, i’ll take the job!”

jungwon sighs in relief as sunoo begins jumping up and down, yelling something about having his own little baby to take care around the shop as you groan, covering your blushing face

once you have your hours established (sunoo made you take the same as all of his, but you did the nights instead of the afternoons on the weekends, to his displeasure), you get straight to working

… well, sort of

it was hard to get work done with sunoo pestering you around the clock

“you think im cute right?” “yes sunoo” “even though i have bags under my eyes? “yes sunoo” “you promise?” “yes sunoo” “good”

admittedly he is slightly of help when it comes to the more fiddly parts of making coffee, but every other second of the day he seems to be flirting nonstop

“can i kiss you?” “no” “why not” “sunoo we’ve been over this” “BEING AT WORK ISNT A VALID EXCUSE”

worn down after his incessant yelling all day, you find yourself snapping faster than usual

“we’re not even dating, sunoo! why would i kiss you!? just stop playing with my feelings already!”

for the first time since you’ve known him, sunoo goes quiet

“why not?”

“what are you talking about now sunoo?” “why arent we dating”

now its your turn to go quiet

“do you not like me?” “what? no, sunoo-” before you can reason with him, you watch him quickly rush away from you around the counter, slamming the break room door behind him with tears in his eyes

cursing to yourself, you ensure there are no customers to serve before quickly darting after him

after looking around a bit, you hear sniffling from the supply closet and knock on the door quietly

“sunoo?” “leave me alone!”

you sigh, taking a step back and turning on your heel to face the opposite direction, running a hand through your hair as you think

you spot a dog bed at your feet, suddenly remembering that jake usually keeps his dog supplies covered in dog hair in the closet

“sunoo arent you allergic to dogs?”

“... *sniffle* y-yeah”

after you persuade him to come out by mentioning that his face is going to get all puffy, he steps out, eyes glued to the floor as he looks away from you in shame

placing a hand on his shoulder, you speak to him softly

“sunoo, look at me”

he does, hesitantly, his eyes red and watery and, as you said, puffy and inflamed

despite this, you smile

“i do like you back”

his eyes start watering again, your heart skipping a beat in fear that you had said something wrong

“e-even if my face is all puffy and gross?” his voice wobbles, the tears filling his eyes giving him a sense of vulnerability as you sigh

“yes, even if your face is all puffy and gross”

he smiles at that, shutting his eyes cutely as you press a kiss to his cheek

“and theres your kiss”

he whines “i was supposed to do that!”

“you can do it after we finish work, okay?” “WORK STILL ISNT A VALID EXCUSE…. but maybe today just because i need to ice my face” “yeah you really should, can you even see?” “no not at all” “great”

jungwon

the previous manager left suddenly and jungwon was given a semi-forced promotion as he was the only employee with at least half of a brain cell

poor boy is stressed 24/7

doesnt get paid enough for this

“hey jungwon we ran out out of coffee bea-” “I ORDERED NEW ONES FOUR HOURS AGO NOW SHUT UP IM TRYING TO MAKE SURE THE BOSS DOESNT FIND JAKE’S DOG SHELTER IN THE SUPPLY CLOSET”

goes through hell every day just to make sure the others dont burn the cafe down

is supposed to be on the morning shift but he stays until the afternoon

in his rare moments of downtime, he likes to go around and water the hanging plants around the shop

is that one vine where the mom listens to nicki minaj for the first time and screams “no” over and over whenever ni-ki gets control of the cafe music

“RIKI NISHIMURA WHAT IS THAT ON THE SPEAKERS” “ITS OUR LORD AND SAVIOUR ARIANA GRANDE” “TURN IT OFF THIS IS NOT PG13” “SHUT THE FUCK UP GRANDPA”

is only 16 but acts like a 32-year-old father going through a midlife crisis

lifts boxes of supplies all day yet his joints are famously brittle

“hey jungwon did you hear glass shattering too?” “sorry jay that was my back” “you need to invest in physical therapy” “maybe if i wasnt paying for property damage every other week 😊”

you meet jungwon when you drop into the cafe for a croissant and a coffee before your class starts

usually you come at night maybe an hour before closing so you had never seen him before, but here you were watching this cute but clearly stressed boy scramble around the shop carrying boxes of supplies to the back

trying not to be creepy, you sigh, turning back to your phone after watching him for a solid five minutes straight

as you do, you hear a crash coming from what you assume is the supply closet followed by a disgruntled groan

pausing, looking around at the other customers typing away at their laptops and waiting for another staff member to go check on the boy, you stand up as you discern that he must be the only one working and hesitantly go to see if he’s okay

“hello? are you okay?” you peer through the door, your eyes widening at the sight of him rubbing his head with a wince on his features, supplies strewn around him at his feet and a box knocked over beside him

���ah… um, yes, i’m okay, sorry if i disturbed you with that noise…” he smiles bashfully, pulling himself back onto his feet

“do you need help with all of that stuff?”

he opens his mouth to protest, not wanting to have to ask for help from a customer, but after seeing the amount of crap off of the shelves, he realises that there is no way in hell he’s going to be able to clean all of it up alone before his shift ends

“um… is that okay?” his cheeks flush with embarrassment as you smile

“sure!”

over the next couple of hours you two establish a little system of bagging the spilt supplies and passes them to eachother to put in boxes, chatting never ceasing as you discover that you actually have a lot of things in common

“since you work here, what’s your favourite kind of coffee?” “i like lattes… i cant stand bitter things” “me too! my friend drinks espressos though” “ditch them”

you also find out that he started being homeschooled after becoming the manager as he doesnt have time to attend normal school

the both of you find yourselves laughing nonstop, having fun in eachother’s company

so much so that you end up late for school

“oh shit! i completely missed my first class”

guilty for making you late, he offers to take you

“i can take you?” “you drive?” “well….. not exactly”

once sunoo and ni-ki arrive to care for the shop, he takes you out to the car park, pulling a spare helmet out of his backpack and securing it on your head before giving your head a pat as he gets onto his scooter

“you look cute” “i look like a bug” “a cute bug”

once you get to school, face red after having to hold onto him the entire time, you hop off and pass him the helmet with a shy smile

“thanks for driving me” you mutter, brushing off imaginary dirt from your shirt as you do your best to avoid eye contact, your face still flushed and heart racing

is it possible to develop a crush on someone this quickly???

jungwon is so cute that he makes it possible, you surmise

“of course” he mirrors your nervous smile, a blush finding its way to his own cheeks

as you bow and spin on your heel to start walking inside, he stops you

“wait!”

“what is it?” you turn to him, your heart still thundering against your ribcage at the fond expression he has plastered on his features

“actually… can i pick you up? after school?”

when you pause, your face growing hotter and hotter, he begins to sputter

“i-i’m really sorry, its fine if not! that was way too forward, i just really like you and- oh god that was even more forward- um-” “okay” “yeah i’m sorry that was a stupid questio- wait, what?”

before he can say anything else, your smile widens

“i’ll see you later, okay? don’t be late!” you wave, skipping into the building with a fluffy feeling in your chest

with an awkward wave, jungwon watches you leave, his mouth wide open in shock before a grin replaces his expression

getting back into his seat, the lovestruck smile never leaving his face as he drives off, he begins to count down the minutes until he gets to see you again

ni-ki

works the afternoon shift

technically an apprentice but he gets paid and has been there forever so basically an employee at this point

or he would be if he ever actually made coffee

he sits with the work phone all morning and chooses the music

perpetually dancing to 7 rings by ariana grande (look up his cover. youre welcome in advance)

jungwon and jay scream at him to at least do the mopping to which he complies, but not without performing a whole ass concert with it

once they saw him twirl and dip the mop

eventually they just told him to go back to curating the music because he was scaring customers away and they were losing business

he was horrible at cleaning anyway

“hey jungwon i think i got window cleaner in your plant” “im firing you” “i dont even go here” “STOP QUOTING MEAN GIRLS AND FIX THE DAMAGE YOUVE CAUSED”

you meet ni-ki while youre drinking your coffee at a booth and he plays your favourite obscure indie song so you have to compliment his taste and get to talking

he plays your favourite songs whenever youre in the shop and audibly hisses at anyone who tries to change it

makes choreography to said songs at home and tries to impress you by casually belting it out by your booth

when you compliment his dancing and ask how long hes been practicing that choreography hes all like “oh hahaha it was just casual freestyle super easy peasy”

(hes been practicing for two weeks)

thought he was being super obvious by doing these things but apparently nOT because you have not caught the hint at all and hes getting impatient

asks for advice from the others begrudgingly

“give them flowers” “jay thats so boring” “do you want to use one of my dogs? everyone loves dogs” “wtf jake since when have you had more than one dog” “make them latte art with a heart on it” “sunoo ive literally never made a coffee in my life” “why dont you just ask them out like a normal perso-” “shut the fuck up grandpa thats so weird no one does that”

eventually he settles on sunoo’s idea of making you latte art and he embarks on his journey to make his first coffee

rather than focusing on the actual taste, sunoo tells him to just do whatever so that he can show him how to do the art

“why is it green ni-ki” “you said to do whatever” “and your first idea was to make poison? idk if this is the best idea if youre trying to ask this person out” “shut up and pass me the milk”

burns his hands on the steaming milk jug at least fifteen times and ends up with so many bandaids on his fingers

despite how stiff the bandages are on his hands, he eventually manages to make a sort-of legible heart

“it looks like africa” “have you ever had steamed milk poured on your eyes sunoo?”

poor ni-ki waits for you all day, his heart leaping every time the bell on the door rings only to roll his eyes when it isnt you

he even stays past his shift so youd better let him take you on a date or hes quitting

when you finally arrive he trips over the bucket at his feet he was using to clean and spills dirty water all over his pants

“omg ni-ki are you okay what happened” *five octaves higher* “NOTHING I'M COMPLETELY FINE WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT”

by the time he’s finished cleaning himself up (and by that i mean fixing his hair in the mirror for twenty minutes) he takes a deep breath and walks over to you, somewhat cold latte in hand

“um,” he clears his throat, his face growing red as he slides the mug towards you “i made this for you”

“aw thanks ni-ki! why is it green” “........its matcha?”

youre slightly suspicious but you look back to the mug and slowly realise that the “drawing” slightly resembles a heart, smiling a little bit to yourself

when you look back to him, youre a little confused as to why hes just standing there

“is something wrong?” you press the mug to your lips, taking a sip

“o-uh uh actually, i wanted to ask if… if you would uh maybe sort of go on a date with me”

you can only smile

“yes, but…”

his heart starts beating faster, watching you anxiously

you stand up, taking the notepad and pen from his apron pocket and scribbling your phone number

“only if you promise to learn how to make actual coffee” you wink, handing him the notepad and sauntering out of the shop

hes stood there dumbstruck, stars in his eyes at the slip of paper in his hand

but then he realises: he has a new mission

rushing to the back room, he slams the door open

“grandpa, i need you to teach me how to make coffee right now” “literally why do i pay you”

with your promise in mind, the others see him work more diligently at the counter than they ever have before

“wow youre actually working today?” “shut up i need to figure out how to do this butterfly before i pry my eyes out with a fork” “haha funny joke ni-” “did i stutter”

at the end of the week, he forces heeseung (the cafe’s best coffee maker) and sunoo (the cafe’s best latte artist) to judge his latte

“this is… surprisingly good” heeseung peers into the mug, smiling at the swan ni-ki created with the latte foam as sunoo grumbles “dont tell me im gonna have to start competing with this kid, it probably tastes gross” “it tastes amazing too” “im quitting”

with his coworkers’ notes in mind, he finally works up the nerve to send you a quick message telling you to come into the shop

when you arrive the next day, ni-ki greets you and immediately gets to work, making sure to stand as close as humanly possible to your booth so he can show off his newly acquired coffee making skills

with you only inches away, he does make a mistake and spill milk on his shirt after looking at you and not his hands for a second too long, but you decide to give him the benefit of the doubt when he sets the mug in front of you

“wow! this heart is perfect!”

you smile, looking up to him “did you seriously learn how to do latte art just so you could take me on a date?” “… y-yeah, and?”

you can only chuckle as you press the mug to your lips, readying yourself to drink liquid dirt…

“this is… really good!” you grin, taking another sip and putting the mug down on its saucer

“i think you’ve definitely earned yourself a date… or two”

at this news, ni-ki’s face lights up, shoving the urge to scream down his throat before nodding stiffly to try and contain his excitement with a strained “cool” escaping his lips

“are you okay ni-ki?” “yes just give me one second”

he quickly scrambles to the break room, a moment of silence wafting through the store before a shrill scream fills the air

eyes wide, you turn to jay, who had been manning the till, after hearing him burst into laughter

“what is he doing?”

“we told him the freezer was sound proof”

[river-bottom-nightmare]

“You came.”

No matter how many times Wally said those words, he sounded breathless with excitement every time. With the light of the moon, Dick could see the surprise in his eyes, the lightness in his smile, the way his relief buoyed him up instead of slumping him down. 

“Of course I came. I’ve never failed to show up.”

Dick stepped fully into the clearing, in the middle of the dense wood at the edge of the province. Wally was sitting against a tree, the ground well worn and comfortable. Dick bounced over to him.

Wally shrugged self consciously. “Things are different now, though. After the whole announcement two days ago.”

At mention of that, Dick sighed, and leaned into Wally. Wally opened his arms and let Dick sag into him. “I gave you a heads-up about that. I told you about it the minute they started discussing it in court.”

“I know, I know.” Wally pressed his lips to the crown of Dick’s head, and spoke into his hair. “Thanks for that. I don’t know how I would’ve reacted hearing it from the town crier.”

“Bawled like a baby, most likely.”

Wally shoved Dick lightly. “Me? Never. You on the other hand.”

“Oh? Do tell.”

“You were probably on your knees in despair.”

Dick gave Wally a rakish grin. “You like me on my knees, though.”

Wally floundered for a minute, eyes darkening with intent, before he let the teasing moment go. “I do. I don’t like seeing you in despair though. And you’ve been despair far too often for my liking since the annoucement.”

“That’s what started this, didn’t it?” Dick gazed up at Wally. He knew his eyes were keen, and he could look through Wally as easily as still water. Though Wally didn’t have many walls built up around him to begin with, Dick reminded himself, seeing Wally shift uncomfortably. “The announcement.”

“I knew about it, I’d thought about it,” Wally answered. “But hearing it out loud from the crier made it real.”

Dick nodded against Wally’s skin, pressing his lips to Wally’s collarbone briefly.

“Does Barbara know?” Wally asked.

“Probably. She knows practically everything. And she knew this was going to happen, too.”

“Oh did she?” Wally’s voice was suddenly venomous.

“Wally,” Dick sighed. “She’s the daughter of my father’s most trusted advisor, and he used to be a knight. She was always going to be the first choice in my hand of marriage. And she’s my friend.”

“Right, right. I know, sorry.” Wally deflated. “It’s just, well, you were supposed to be mine.”

“We shouldn't have ever become friends in the first place, Walls,” Dick said, softly.

“Do you regret it?”

Dick smiled up at Wally. “What, sneaking out of the palace and meeting the most handsome, clumsy pauper in history? Never.”

Wally made an indignant noise, and Dick laughed in response, pressing closer to his warm body and feeling his arm tighten around Dick’s waist. They sat quietly, moonlight washing over them like a cleansing wave, letting them just be for a while. None of Dick’s royal duties. None of Wally’s daily struggles. No worries about the news of Dick’s engagement to Lady Barbara. Right now, it was just the two of them, Wally pressing soft kisses against Dick’s skin, Dick humming with happiness as he laced their fingers together over and over again.

Of course, Dick should have known Wally could never keep the silence that long. “You remember what I told you? You know, the night you told me about the....” he trailed off. He couldn’t bring himself to say the word marriage, Dick could see it in his eyes, in the tremble of his lips.

Dick shifted his weight, looping his arms around Wally’s neck and sitting on his lap. “Wally. There is nothing in the world I want more than to run away with you.”

“We could do it, Dick. We could get away with it.” Wally’s fingers played at Dick’s hips. “Uncle Barry’s your father’s messenger. He’s been all across the kingdom, he’d be able to hide us away for sure. We can travel the world together, Dick. Just like we always wanted to, when we were kids.”

“And your parents?”

Wally scoffed. “As if they’d even notice.”

“Wally traveling the world with you is my dream.” Dick leaned forward to press his lips against Wally’s once, gently. “But I can’t follow it, not if my family is on the line.”

“Bruce has four other sons!”

Dick shook his head. “None of them want the throne.”

“Neither do you, Bluebird.”

“But it’s my duty. I can’t leave my family like that, I just can’t.”

Sadness was written in every line of Wally’s face, but he just nodded and pulled Dick closer. “I know you can’t. Your loyalty is something I love about you.”

“Loyalty or stubbornness?”

“Can’t it be both?”

Dick huffed out a laugh. 

Then Wally shifted a little, pushed Dick up so he could look him in the eyes. There was something new in his eyes, something Dick couldn’t place for a minute before it came to him. Recklessness. Dick had seen it play alongside Dick’s own too many times to count, but he’d never seen it directed at him before. “I knew our dream was a last ditch effort. We can’t have what we wanted as children, but we can have a little.”

Dick’s brows furrowed. “Wally? What are you talking about.”

“Spend the night. Please. Stay with me for the night. We can dance and sing and steal food from the bakery. And you can press me into my bed without any thoughts about time running out or duty to the throne.”

Wally’s voice was pleading, nearing desperate near the end. Dick put on a contemplative face, but his mind was made up. “I don’t know, Walls. I’ve got engagements tomorrow. Meetings to finalize the marriage, Bruce giving up the crown.”

“Dick, please.” Wally was begging now, pulling Dick towards him with a bruising grip, eyes scouring Dick’s face as if it was the last time he’d ever see it.

Then Dick let the steel filter into his expression, the stubbornness that Wally so often accused him of. “I’ve given them enough. And I’m about to give up my entire life for them. Tonight and tomorrow are my own.”

And with that note of finality, Dick bent down and kissed Wally the way he’d been wanting to do since he first saw him that night. Searing, passionate, syrupy slow and plunderingly deep, as if they had all the time in the world.

i swear to god when i started this it was supposed to be fluff. tag list:  @comicsandhoney @birdy-bat-writes @elles-shitposts-personified @subtleappreciation @screennamealreadyused @pricetagofficial @catxsnow @astroherogirl @yesboopityboop @dangerduckjpeg​

[waywardnajsepticeye]

How The Sleepy Bois Found Tubbo On The Side Of The Road

 (This isn’t related to roleplay, this was just a little shitpost story that I pieced together in my mind with hypothetical band-aids and bubblegum. And this is anti-Dad!Captain Sparklez propaganda /joke)

It was a rather silent afternoon. The day wasn’t to hot nor was it too cold. Just right, it was. A silver minivan was driving steadily down the country roads. A father, Captain Jordan Sparklez, had his hands firm on the steering wheel. He took his eyes of the road for a second to glance at his son, Tubbo. Jordan couldn’t understand why his child came out British and with bee wings but he still loved the little tyke anyways. Tubbo was staring out of the rolled down window beside him. The wind blew softly against the kid’s face. The breeze almost wrapping around his little wings. Tubbo loved spending time with his dad, that’s if he’s not yelling, “CREEPER. AW MAN”.

Jordan wondered when they were getting home soon. He wanted to get back to his Minecraft world so he could start stabbing shit. The Minecraft server was all on his mind. The road became nothing but an obstacle to the captain.

While his father was having a mental breakdown, Tubbo got a glimpse of a bee. A cute little buzzer, it was. It flew near to the minivan, keeping up with it. Tubbo giggled, thinking he could reach it. The captain didn’t even bother to check to see that his son was unbuckling the seatbelt across him. The bee buzzed happily, as if it wanted the little bee boy to follow him. After the kid unbuckled his seatbelt, he spread his little bee wings. He stood up on his seat, he looked back at his father. Jordan had the facial expression of constipation. Was it normal? Was this the way of Captain Sparklez? The world may never know.

Anyhoo, Tubbo wasn’t looking back. He was ready. His wings flapped rapidly, the buzzing filled the child’s ears. A smile slapped across his face. Tubbo gained a small amount of flight and was ready to fly.

Jordan finally stopped having a mental breakdown about a fucking block game, he turned to check on his son. His mouth dropped. He watched Tubbo flutter out the car window, flying to catch a bee.

“TUUUUBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOO-”

Too late. Tubbo was out of reach of his dad. He didn’t even hear his demonic screams. 

Tubbo like’a da bee, so he chase’a after da bee.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t too long until he lost sight of the bee. He searched the field that the minivan was driving alongside, but it was no where to be found.

It was getting awfully late. The bee boy was scared. His dad was no where in sight. And his bee friend went missing too. 

There was basically no where he could go. The kid’s in the middle of fucking nowhere, where is he suppose to go?

Tubbo fluttered around for 20 minutes until he found a comfy place on the road to sit on. There was an old box, so he crept into it and sat there. The sun was slowly but surely setting, it was beginning to get a little cold. Tubbo’s overalls couldn’t really save him from the unexpected drop in temperature. The once pacifist winds became violent with its howling sounds. It was getting more darker, or was it his imagination playing tricks on him? Whatever the hell was happening around the child, it was not very pogchamp. 

Tubbo sat in the little box for a fearful five minutes, he began to cry. No one came to bring him home. No one to save him. He thought that monster might come and kill him. Around him became darker and darker.....

“Dude, trust me, at my age, I can get a girl!”

“Tommy, you are the most antisocial person I have ever meant.”

“And besides, you have an insufferable personality. I mean, come on, have you met yourself?”

“Wilbur, Techno! Can you for once not insult your brother?”

“Sorry, Phil. It’s not our fault he came out like this.”

“Oh piss off, the lot of you!”

The darkness lifted from Tubbo’s eyes. Those weren’t the sounds of monsters. 

Humans! Those were the sounds of humans! 

Tubbo pops his head out and tries to find the directions of the voices. He squinted eyes as he saw three figures approaching. Of course, the bee child panicked. 

There was people, yes. But Tubbo didn’t know whether trust them or not. So, he kept his head down. Waiting.....

“Hey, guys? There’s some random box here. And.....oh my god, it’s another child! Guys! Look!”

“Tommy, I swear to god if you’re messing with us......”

“Aw, c’mon, Phil! I’m not lying! Would Tommyinnit ever lie?”

“Yes, you would.”

Tubbo fell out of the box. And looked at the strangers in front of him.

“H-Hi?”

“That is a child. In a box.”

The youngest stranger stooped down to Tubbo. The other kid was his age. Tubbo fluttered into his arms. 

“Hi....”

“O-Oh....uhhhh.....oh shit.....hi? I’m Tommy! What’s yours, big man?”

Tubbo liked Tommy calling him ‘Big Man’. That wasn’t his actual name, but he still liked it.

“Tubbo. My name is Tubbo.”

Tommy smiled and turned towards the oldest of the strangers. A man in green robes with wings. They weren’t like his bee wings, but they looked so cool.

“Phil, can we keep him? Pleeeeeaaassseee?”

The other one in a beanie and yellow vest rolled his eyes and stared at the other stranger, who was a pig hybrid for some validation that this might be a stupid idea.

“Tommy, we can just take some random child off the side of the street.”

“Wilbur! Look at him! He’s adorable!”

Tommy turned back to Phil. “Please, Phil? Can we keep Tubbo?”

The pig hybrid turned to the oldest named Phil. He sighed. “Don’t look at me like that, Techno. Well, it seems like Tubbo was just left here. We can’t just leave him here.”

Wilbur flipped his hair as he grunted with reluctant agreement.  “Whatever Philza Minecraft says goes.” Techno said. 

Tommy cheered as he picked Tubbo up. Tubbo was glad that somebody found him. Even if it was on the side of the road. He was introduced to his new family filled with unique personalities. The bee child adapted to Phil, Techno, Wilbur and Techno really quickly. He even found friendship in Tommy. 

An odd family, this was. But you should be glad that Jordan never found him. 

If you’re asking about the captain and what happened to him after that, I have no reason to tell you. Run along now.

Tags: @oasisofgalaxies  @littlecatninja  @lilacandladybugs @exiledinnit

[diabollicallyangelic]

SUCCESOR

Page 2

FNAF fic

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Characters

Vanessa

Mike Schmidt

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TW: swearing/weapons

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She had thought she had it all together too.

That was, until Mike came along.

Vanessa had been planning- mapping out everything in vivid detail.

She knew how the springlock worked. She knew that if her fa-William died she'd inherit the locations. If not her, then Henry at least.

She had even tried to plan a day to trap William and try to do the poor kids justice. 

But Mike had thrown a wrench in that.

Vanessa leaned back in her office chair, letting out an exhausted sigh. Not to mention this was the third time this week covering for the guy. 

She almost felt bad- almost.

He was a nice (and certainly troubled) person, but Vanessa didn't carry enough empathy with her for him.

the interesting part was his brother. Mike would occasionally let out a few details about him, but aside from that it was a mystery.

an oddly familiar mystery.

A missing child. A murder case. A supposed serial killer.

Vanessa furrowed her brow and massages her temples. She knew the story all too well-although it was too vague to confirm anything.

"god, I despise you." Vanessa hisses under her breath, turning her gaze towards the drawn picture of a yellow rabbit she had taped to the office wall.

She wishes she could tear it down- but she was just too attached to the idea of her father. The grand romanticization that was their relationship.

How desperately she wished to have a parental figure that wasnt- y'know, a child murderer.

Vanessa spares a glance at one of the cameras, to which she absentmindedly glances away before doing a quick double take.

Was that movement?

Vanessa sits upright, turning her full focus to the cams.

Who the hell..?

She stands up just as someone bursts into the office.

"AGH WHAT THE SHIT-" She yells, flipping the gun on her side out of its holster and stumbling back.

Mikes horribly sad eyes immediately lock with hers and she scowls.

"Sorry sorry sorry." He murmurs, putting his hands into the air.

Vanessa rolls her eyes, slowly lowering the gun.

"It is 4:45, Mike, you're extremely fucking late."

Mike shakes his head, and Vanessa finally takes note of his trembling hands.

"Abby, s-she-"

Vanessa frowns. 

Ohno.

"Do you have her?"

"No..?" Half of her is bewildered at the fact Mike misplaced a child, and somehow thought she had her, but the other half of her was wandering down memory lane.

"Oh for christs sake." Mike mutters, his breath heaving. His eyes were watering a bit more than usual and he looked like he was about to collapse onto the dirty floor.

"Mike don't tell me she's missing." Vanessa says, her face stone cold. 

Her feet seemed to be glued to the floor, paralyzed with anxiety.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I think she is-" he chokes.

All Vanessa could visualize was Williams sharp, smug grin.

All too predictable.

--------

Page one!! vv

Next page vv

[intelligentdumbass]

The Golden Apple Incident but-

(Honestly writing this felt like writing a glorified shitpost, so-)

Olympus’ garden was breath-taking; bioluminescent flowers blooming under Selene’s far-reaching gaze as the immortals were having the time of their lives, drunkenly singing under the serene night sky.

Hermes couldn’t help but subtly gaze back at Apollo every now and then, who was talking with one of the muses, when someone caught him off guard by wrapping an arm around his shoulder. He instantly knew who it was the second he smelled the wine in his breath.

“Jealous?~” Dionysus wiggled his eyebrows.

Hermes scoffed. “Jealous of what?”

Dionysus motioned back to the nine sisters. Calliope had her arms wrapped around Apollo’s neck while the god had just given her a small kiss. Hermes rolled his eyes, but, oh little did he know, he was faintly blushing.

The younger brother sighed.

“Look man, if you’re going to keep this up, then you‘re absolutely hopeless. I mean, at this point literally everyone except the distracted blonde you haven’t confessed to knows that you want a piece of that-”

“Hahahaha, I have no idea what you’re talking about. Anyway, have you seen Eris? I heard she wasn’t-”

“Hey, don’t change the subject!”

“It’s not what you think! I swear I was just slightly… concerned? I don’t know, he seems a lil off and Cal can prolly sense it too-”

“Pft, excuses excuses-”

Then it happened.

The festivities were suddenly interrupted by their father’s voice thundering across the garden.

“AH-” “What’s this?!”

On his hand he held out an apple as if it was made of pure solid gold. The fruit had struck him on the nose while he was chatting with his siblings. It glimmered and sparkled under the ambient moonlight as if it was enticing all of the immortals to come and have a closer look.

“It… has something engraved onto it? Hold on-” He cleared his throat, and now all eyes were on the king.

“‘It is with my greatest pleasure to present this apple to the loveliest god of them all, a trophy that will stand the test of time, a symbol of the lord’s unrivalled beauty and allure.’”

Whispers echoed throughout the venue, jumping from ear to ear. Now, of course, Zeus would’ve gladly declared himself ownership of the gift as it was thrown at his face. However, barely had a minute passed when the apple was already gone; snatched out of Zeus’ hands by the god of love whose wings immediately threw him up into air as he curiously stared at the prize he was about to award to himself.

“Still the same old insolent piece of shit, huh?”

A golden arrow whizzed out of nowhere, fired from a silver bow and carried by the evening breeze. It narrowly missed Eros’ head and pinned the fruit against one of the trees.

Eros flew after the apple as fast as he could, but by the time he managed to grab a hold of it, there was already another hand, from the archer god himself, and neither party seemed willing to let go.

He hissed. “You arrogant bastard.”

Apollo replied with a shit-eating grin. “Oh please, look whose talking.”

There was one single thought in Hermes’ head. ‘Oh boy.’ He tried to get even closer, running to where Ares and Aphrodite were. He just had to see this.

“Wait!” Athena interrupted, as she was a teensy bit worried that those two were about to murder each other. “This all feels a little… off. We don’t even know where that apple came from-”

“Don’t know; don’t care Misses killjoy!” Eros rolled his eyes. “I can assure you that I sense no malicious auras or weird obscure magic so, perhaps this really is just a gift from some fanatic, at which I am extremely flattered-”

Apollo laughed. “Really, you?? Why on earth would anyone give this to a saucy twink who’s barely taller than Hermes?”

The messenger frowned at the mentioned of his height. Ares gave him a few pats on the back while Dionysus, Artemis and a few other gods snickered. Athena just sighed like she gave up and doesn’t want to involve herself any further. On the other hand, Zeus had stopped trying to come up with a scheme to take back the fruit the second he saw his son want it too. Still though, the way Eros’ and Apollo’s fingers twitched, almost like they wanted to break each other’s necks, was starting to get kind of concerning.

“Okay okay please calm down, both of you.” The last thing Zeus wants is someone’s ichor to be spilled in the middle of a goddamn wedding. “How about-”

“Since you’re the king of the gods, that you be the judge of whoever is deserving to have this apple?” Apollo smiled. “What a wonderful idea father!”

Eros took advantage of that brief distraction of Apollo addressing his father to take the apple and throw it towards his dear mother. “Look, I know he’s usually the one who calls all the final shots, but don’t you think it’d be more fitting to let the literal goddess of beauty decide?”

Zeus thought about it, but decided that choosing between his favorite son and the bastard that could make his libido act up again was a terrible idea. Even Aphrodite herself seemed hesitant to choose and handed the fruit over to Ares because he and Hermes wanted a closer look.

“Uhm, no. I think my very obvious biases would make me one of the least fitting judges for that matter; same goes for Aphrodite. How about… let a mortal who is not part of any of your cults decide, and to please swear not to endanger their life over this.”

 The two gods gave each other a brief death glare before reluctantly agreeing to Zeus’ suggestion.

“Good. Now, where did that apple go?”

They all turned towards Ares, who didn’t have the golden fruit in his hands.

“Dad.” Eros stared. “Where’s the apple?”

“Let’s just say… I got hungry.”

There was a long pause before Eros continued.

“C-Come again?”

“I said what I said; I got hungry and that apple was right there and I got curious so, yeah. Surprisingly tasty-”

“I’m sorry,” Athena just had to interject. “But did you just admit to eating a lump of gold?!”

“Bold of you to assume that would stop the god that broke a chicken’s femur when he bit into its thigh.”

The goddess couldn’t tell if he was faking it and therefore hiding something or if he was actually very serious. Now she really did give up listening in to this conversation and proceeded to walk off to wherever Persephone and Artemis were. It was probably for the best, as it almost looked like she was losing more and more brain cells the longer this situation went on.

Apollo raised an eyebrow, but didn’t say anything. Meanwhile, Eros was struggling to process what the fuck just happened. He flew over to Hermes who was trying his best not to laugh his ass off.

“Hermes, do you have something to do with this? Did you steal it??”

“Huh? No, why the hell would I want to steal it?? I may be cocky, but not that kind of self-aggrandizing cocky. I don’t have the golden apple with me.”

Eros narrowed his eyes. “How do I know you’re not-”

“Because he isn’t, all of what Hermes just said is true.” Despite the contents of what he said being perfectly harmless, Apollo sounded like he was about to brake Eros’ back the moment he saw the god of love reach into his quiver.

Eros backed off. “Okay okay, but then what? Is that it?!”

The blonde shrugged. “It appears so.”

“Why do you suddenly act like you don’t care??”

“I mean, of course having a pretty golden apple say you’re the best is great, but in my case it’s kind of unnecessary, isn’t it? Like, duh.” There it was again, that shit-eating grin. “Honestly, it was mostly because I didn’t want YOU to have it and gods fucking forbid you use it to constantly annoy me for the rest of eternity.”

---------------------------------

Despite the incident that had killed the mood a few minutes ago, the party seemed to be back in full swing now that Aphrodite took Eros back to wherever Psyche was. It was almost like nothing had ever happened.

Hermes, however, was interested in separating himself from everyone else as far as he possibly could, and he had dragged Apollo along with him until they were deep in some obscure part of the garden.

The messenger let out a nervous laugh. “Okay I have something I need to tell you.”

“That what Ares said, even though I can definitely see him doing it just to piss me off, was a red herring and that he hid the apple somewhere before giving it back to you once Aphrodite got Eros to go away?”

“Damn, you know me too well huh?” He took off his hat, revealing the luster of gold resting on his brown chestnut hair.

The archer laughed. “I’m surprised you got him to cooperate.”

“Guess I’m just that likeable! Plus, he owed me one after distracting you for… something.”

“You what-”

The messenger grabbed the apple and placed his cap back on his head. “I didn’t steal it for myself though.” He smiled, “It is with my greatest pleasure to present this apple to the loveliest god of them all, a trophy that will stand the test of time, a symbol of the lord’s unrivalled beauty and allure.” and then offered up the prize to the surprised blonde.

Apollo accepted, mildly flustered. “Is… Is there some sort of ulterior motive to this?”

“I… suppose you could call it that.”

He sighed. “What do you want, Herms?”

“W-Well… it’s nothing big.” There was a sudden faint flush on Hermes’ cheeks. “What about… a kiss?”

The archer stared and the messenger almost started backtracking on his request but, well, the blonde cut him off before he could, with a soft peck on his lips.

[sage-nebula]

Actually, making that shitpost just made me realize yet another thing screwed up by having Link appointed Zelda’s knight because of fighting prowess rather than because he was chosen by the Master Sword: Revali’s attitude toward Link.

In both Breath of the Wild and Age of Calamity, Revali looks down on Link and considers him to be inferior. This makes a sort of sense in Breath of the Wild, where Revali (as far as we know) never saw Link fight and Link didn’t have a marked reputation for fighting prowess outside of sparring with other knights / protecting Zelda from monsters in battles that Revali and others presumably weren’t present at. As far as Revali knows, Link was appointed Zelda’s knight because he has a fancy sword, which doesn’t really impress Revali very much since the Rito specialize in bows and can fly out of reach of bladed weapons anyway. It isn’t until Link kills Windblight Ganon that Revali has a chance to see that Link really did earn his place among the Champions, and he gifts Link his Gale as a show of that earned respect.

But in Age of Calamity, Revali is being a dick to Link because . . . he’s a dick, I guess. Link is appointed Zelda’s knight because he showed fighting prowess on the battlefield, and then he continues to do so again and again and again given the nature of the game. In fact, Link not only kicks the asses of the Rito warriors on Hebra, but also fights and bests Revali himself before they formally meet. Granted, you could play as other characters if you wanted, but since Link is supposed to be accompanying Zelda, presumably the story would have it that Link was the one participating in that battle and coming out on top, even though he didn’t have the Master Sword yet. Therefore, Revali being like “lol ur a so-called knight with no skill, you suck” makes absolutely zero sense because he has just seen first-hand that Link is a skilled warrior, and in fact was bested by him, so at best it makes Revali seem like a sore loser and at worst it makes him seem like an incompetent dick.

Just when I think I’ve run out of ways that the plot of Age of Calamity screwed things up, I find new ones. Jeez this game was an absolute mess. Good thing it’s not canon and will have no bearing on Breath of the Wild 2, right? Right? Answer me, Nintendo, because I swear to god—

[drunklander]

Drunj!Der Yells About Outlander

Thoughts on Ep. 508

I mean, shame on me for allowing myself to get my hopes up that the show might have turned a corner last week. I should know better by now.

At least Young Ian’s back. And Marsali had a nice moment. And that’s about all I have to say about this episode that’s positive. I swear to fuck, this show hates Claire as much as the author of the books does. Where the fuck is the lead protagonist, show? Can she come back? Can she get a story line of her own that’s more than just a random scene every few episodes, please? And can Bree please be given something to fucking do that doesn’t involve Roger, Jemmy or rape? Does Fergus still even live on the Ridge?

But yeah, I guess let’s just all watch the episode twice so our dumb lady!brains can understand that Matt’s stupid silent movie gimmick was actually ~ArT~ and not, you know, a stupidly bad creative choice. Seriously, fuck that guy.

I can’t tell you how much idgaf about watching Roger teach. Also, Bree’s like his students’ age since she was in college too. So really all this bit is doing is to make me skeeved out about their age difference.

“Can you tell me why anyone would go to the trouble of burying one?” he said, condescendingly, like the doucherocket he is. Do not disrespect Young Ian like that, asshat.

“People live and die by their words.” *gestures to the beautiful shitposts on this hellsite* sure jan dot gif.

I already want to fastforward.

Would 100% rather sit through a lecture on suspension bridges than watch silent movies, tbh.

Hate the title card. Hate this whole gimmick.

Hate.

HAAAAATE.

Roger got hanged. Roger was dumb, Buck was an abusive and toxic fuckwad. But still, Roger got hanged and this is how we find out he’s alive and how he was saved?

It should be this big emotional moment. It should make me feel a thing in spite of myself. But nope! Gotta do this fucking silent movie thing. Which is hilariously terrible. And I laughed at it the whole time. In a mean and judgey fashion. What a craptastic creative choice. Whoever’s idea that was is a fucking idiot. *stares at a certain pompous af showrunner*

Ok but for real though, does LJG just like live in North Carolina now? Why is he always around, besides, you know, so we don’t forget he’s a character who exists.

For real though, he lives in Virginia and gets more screen time than fucking Fergus and Marsali who live fucking next door.

At least writing this recap is gonnna be quick and easy since they waste so much time re-showing the stupid silent movie footage.

Yes, I know, they’re trying to show Roger’s PTSD. Which involves flashbacks. And gradually turn it to color once he’s like come to terms with what happened and starts to move forward. But the execution is so bad that the whole arc is wasted because it’s just so poorly done.

Oh hey! A Claire and Bree scene! I love those. Except oh wait, it aggressively fails the Bechdel Test.

I JUST WANT THE FUCKING WOMEN ON THIS SHOW TO HAVE SOMETHING TO DO THAT’S COMPLETELY FUCKING SEPARATE FROM THE MEN. ARGH.

Jocasta singing at Murtz’s cairn is a reminder that everyone should check out MDK’s music.

And her wearing the necklace Murtz gave her makes the existence of show!Duncan even dumber. Like oh hey, new husband, don’t mind me, just mourning my dead boyfriend and wearing his jewelry. But it’s totally normal since my niece-in-law still wears her abusive ex-husband’s ring.

Sorry, show!Duncan, but a more pointless character was never included. Show!Duncan wins the prize for most BeCaUsE tHe BoOk dumbassery.

Repeatedly showing what’s basically a snuff film is...a choice.

LJG has no sense of personal space when it comes to the Frasers. And it’s fucking creepy.

Oh look, another scene where all Claire gets to do is comfort someone about a man.

*BANGS FIST ON TABLE* GIVE CLAIRE BEAUCHAMP THE STORY LINES SHE DESERVES.

Jemmy aged like 3 years in the 3 month time jump.

Ok, I totally get why Roger hadn’t spoken yet. But once he did, the seal was broken. Not talking after he yelled to stop Jemmy, even a little bit, is just a dick move. Not that he’d be magically better. But he like refuses to even take baby steps.

CAN WE PLEASE GET THROUGH AN EPISODE WITHOUT A MUSICAL INTERLUDE. I FUCKING HATE THE CLEMENTINE SONG.

GRANNIE CLAIRE AND GRANDA JAMIE ARE MY FAVE.

OMFG AN ARROW. THAT CLEARLY MEANS...YOUNG IANNNNN!!!!!

So glad he’s back. So fucking glad. Yes, it means one more character to dilute how much time we can spend with any given person, but it’s a character that I like so hopefully he takes away from some of the time given to ones I don’t like?

Aaand Roger can’t even bring himself to try to talk to the guy who gave himself up in his place. Fuck Roger.

Claire does a better job at first than Jamie at picking up the vibes Young Ian is putting off, but like, for two people who are supposed to be emotionally intelligence, neither of them do a good job at first of really *seeing* Ian.

John Bell is really good in this episode.

Omfg Marsali has tarot cards. She’s like leaning full on into being the white witch’s apprentice and I fucking love her so much.

Also, the Hanged Man card is representative of self-sacrifice and martyrdom rather than like being actually hanged as a punishment. But whatevs.

Ok I think the reason Jenny yelling at Jamie to snap out of it in S3 bugged me where this scene with Bree yelling at Roger doesn’t is because sibling dynamic is completely different than spouses where both of them have gone through something unimaginable.

That he can’t even say anything here. Or give her any kind of sign that he’s still in there is a dick move. He *can* speak. He knows that now. So does everyone else. He’s actively choosing not to. Even to say that he just needs more time to work through his shit. No one’s asking him to be a chatterbox and totally back to normal.

Young Ian just sitting there while everyone else does grace is literally me at every family holiday.

Oh look, a wild Fergus appeared!

Ok, I never got the surveying thing. Wouldn’t the land already be registered? Since they were given the paperwork and shit for it from the governor? I know there was some bit about it in the book about keeping it after the Revolution but like, who the fuck else are they registering it with that would make a difference? The gov’t is still the English gov’t?

“But there are things you keep hidden from others. You and Claire both.” Ok, can he please be talking about time travel? I mean, I know he’s talking about his wife and their miscarriages, but I just want someone else to know about time travel already please and thank you.

HOW THE FUCK IS MARSALI STILL PREGNANT?! SHE’S BEEN PREGNANT FOR LIKE A FUCKTON OF TIME.

Fuck yeah not-Catholic-anymore-Ian. No grace, talking about the creator in a way that isn’t explicitly the christian god. Good job, kid.

My parents called me to say happy easter and I had to be like, uh, you remember that I don’t celebrate that, right?

Happy Zombie!Jeebus Appreciation Day to all the still christian people. And happy chance to have fun with burner zoom accounts named Elijiah to the jewish folks.

Jokes aside, the scene with Young Ian and Marsali was really nice and Marsali remains a fucking saint. It’s nice that Young Ian has someone who like actually gets what it’s like to find a home in a group of strangers.

Oh Claire, think more highly of your assistant. Also, what a clunky fucking way to be like oh hey, one of the emo!bros is gonna try to off themselves.

Ok but with the paper airplane now too, can we please show Young Ian finding out about time travel? Please?

Ok, but Claire automatically jumping to Roger wanting to off himself with her herbs... It’s making me judge both of them a little that neither picked up on just how clearly Young Ian was suffering. Like come the fuck on, y’all. It wasn’t subtle.

Also, can we please have more Adso?

SOMEONE GIVE YOUNG IAN A HUG! NO, NOT YOU, ROGER! SOMEONE GOOD!

Yada yada yes they both have been through something shitty and call me a biased asshole, but I can’t bring myself to feel anything about Roger and I feel all the things about Young Ian.

So Roger won’t talk when his wife begs, but he’ll talk when someone calls him on his bullshit. Cool. Cool cool cool. Nice dude.

NO ONE WAS ASKING FOR THE OLD ROGER, YOU TWATWAFFLE. THEY WERE ASKING FOR *A* ROGER. INSTEAD OF A ZOMBIE.

Again, there’s more to that tarot card than a literal hanged man, but whatever, show.

Oh thank fuck the episode is finally over. Expectations are back down in the gutter for the rest of the season. Please pleasantly surprise me, show, but I will not make the mistake again of thinking you’re actually gonna be consistently good again.