#i want to experience so many deep forms of love. the healthy ones. familial. w my parents. with my own sibling. with children maybe

[noxtivagus]

i shld really fix that spam account n use it more often bcs oh my god i really often ramble just like this

[constellaj]

just ran into your art today and. would you like to elaborate on your gay lucky in love rewrite 👀

boy would i

as always shoutouts to @crystalfloe for pitching + workshopping w me on this, ESPECIALLY on this one since it was mostly her idea!

we open up with a shot of shadow circling through amity park, looking in the windows of various citizens. danny is face-down, fast asleep; valerie is repairing some gear; tucker is being a gamer; sam is watching a horror movie; paulina is also watching a horror movie. shadow passes by all these houses and gets more and more annoyed, until he peeks the window of a large, elaborate house:

dash has drawn the curtains, turned the lights off, turned a fan up. this is his deep dark secret. he’s sitting on his bed, face lit by the dim rose glow of his laptop. the volume is turned down so low but the viewer still sees and hears him whisper along to the movie: “but we could never be together, jessica...” “but... I love you...” he’s watching a HORRIBLY cheesy hallmark romcom.

but of course nobody can KNOW he’s into chickflicks and romcoms! he’s a tough football man and it would trash his rep if anyone knew he secretly craved those deep but silly romantic stories... the tenderness, the love...

shadow has specifically been looking for a romantic.

shadow slips in and ‘possesses’ dash. possesses in quotes, because, well, even though dash is dumb and therefore easy to possess, shadow is ultimately a glorified dog, and not a fully sentient ghost; he doesn’t have any total agency in dash, and the most he can do is mess around with his emotional and hormonal balance. shadow is DISMAYED, upon entering, that dash’s deep romanticism is so repressed, and so immediately gets to work digging it out of the recesses of his brain, putting it in the forefront.

(see, what danny and the audience will learn later is, shadow is a ghost that subsists off of love. romantic love especially. he first found a ‘host’ in johnny (before he died!) because johnny and kitty were madly, ridiculously in love, and johnny especially admired kitty beyond words. they still do love each other, of course! but like all healthy relationships, they’ve learned to take breaks, and they have a ‘break week’ once every few months.)

(this, naturally, drives shadow up a WALL; after a certain level, displays of romance become like dog treats, and shadow has been downright spoiled by the overabundance of love between the two. when they take a BREAK WEEK and aren’t constantly showering each other (and therefore him!) with affection, he needs to go find another host, because clearly they do not love him and have forsaken him. they kick miette.)

since shadow’s prime host for so long has been johnny, his understanding of a few... norms... are bleeding over. dash shows up to school with a leather jacket and a motorcycle (his family’s rich, of course he’s had one). his hair is slicked back and the cologne is overpowering. while danny and others think it’s just another asshole stage of dash, kwan (as well as the popular kids, but kwan especially) notices something’s wrong. it’s not quite... dash. 

yeah, he’s happy-- well, he’s also strangely flirty with everyone (shadow is testing the waters, trying to find out who is the best match). and kwan LOVES that he’s happy. but he’s a little too daydreamy, he laughs a little too long. he is having horrible luck all day, but he just keeps taking it in stride. dash is concerned with appearances, but this is the first time he’s put in effort like it was for other people to see. he’s a little too suave. his eyes reflect just a little too much light.

and then-- luck of luck-- shadow finds the big name repressed crush.

fenton! of course!

danny did NOT want to deal with dash towering over him and slamming him into the wall, but he didn’t KNOW how to deal with dash leaning over him and telling him he looked cute. danny’s flustered! of course he is! well, yeah, dash is an asshole, he knows that, yeah he’s a stuck up rich kid, YES SAM, he knows this (sam is not fooled by a little hair gel and some high heeled leather boots), but you can’t deny he’s, well, built. and he’s weirdly suave? and nice. he’s actually being really nice. what no of course DANNY hasn’t had a crush on DASH this whole time or anything. shut up.

the fact that dash asks him to meet him in the woods at lunch (because sam, jazz, and even tucker are increasingly concerned with dash just making moves on danny, afraid it’s some new form of abuse; and lancer keeps perceiving it as bullying since that’s their dynamic and breaking it up) and he GOES is just. well. that’s unrelated isn’t it.

they kiss and danny is starting to maybe think dash just had a homophobic middle school experience like everyone else when- his GHOST SENSE GOES OFF. RIGHT HERE? RIGHT NOW??? (gee what could be causing it?) dash cracks a joke about him using too many breath mints and danny panics, bullshits an excuse, and runs off to transform and find the ghost.

dash thinks he’s been rejected and almost shakes out shadow’s possession from the sheer dismay, but shadow doubles down. no, no, we can find another crush. somewhere.

...oh hey! the ghost boy!

time to double down on the ghost aesthetics.

danny’s just finished fighting kitty (”where’s your boyfriend” “that’s none of your BUSINESS!”) when there’s a motorcycle rev underneath him. there’s... dash, again, but.... something feels very, very wrong.

danny lands, cautious. “hey phantom... you into biker dudes?” “don’t you have... a boyfriend...” “heee sorta dumped me in the woods”. and then danny gets close enough for his ghost sense to go off. and it clicks.

“dash, you’re possessed”

this is the ONE THING that shadow can’t have. this could be the perfect romance, and THIS GHOSTCHILD thinks he knows more about ROMANCE than SHADOW??? PSH. cue fight scene! dash of course is grappling with both not wanting to hurt phantom, but wanting this ghost out of his system, because of COURSE he’s possessed geez why else would he want to kiss FENTON of all people-- but shadow REFUSES to leave, slowly building more and more monstrous elements onto dash, darker eyes and claws, erasing his legs until it’s not dash as much as it is a large shadow monstrosity with dash at the center.

danny eventually realizes he needs a new strategy and runs for it. after a decent amount of bickering with sam/tuck, they realize that the only ones who would know how to tame shadow are.... kitty and johnny.

turns out, when shadow went missing, kitty NOTICED. (johnny didn’t! he was having a fun alone time working on his bike with loud music.) this is bad. why? well, johnny is NOT a very powerful ghost. in fact, he’s sort of the opposite. he and shadow have a symbiotic relationship of sorts; it’s shadow’s residence in him that gives him any powers at all, like the basic healing factor a ghost has, or phasing, or flying. without shadow he’s essentially a zombie, who can still be hurt in the ghost zone. NATURALLY, kitty decided to run off and retrieve shadow (because this isn’t the first time he’s run away on break week, always throwing a tantrum) before anything horrible could happen to Johnny; this is what she was doing in Amity in the first place

this is the part of the story where i reveal that the ending isnt fully fleshed out yet. in the rough conversation right it ended up with kitty and johnny trying to FORCE shadow back into johnny, and they’re getting annoyed by it, and kitty goes “well this wouldn’t be a problem if YOU weren’t so LOVING AND SENSITIVE” and johnny goes “well i wouldn’t LOVE YOU so much if you weren’t BRILLIANT and BEAUTIFUL” and they have a whole argument like that. its very funny. and shadow ends up still running away and possessing dash again.

ah, in typing this out, i have figured out an ending!

the above fight and run away happens, and there’s two endings: one where shadow possesses dash, and one where shadow possesses danny. in both, of course, the other party realizes the only way to get shadow out is through making shadow feel safe enough to leave, aka... flooding the room with romance. if dash is possessed, danny and co. realize that danny’s the prime candidate to... be the suave lil boy. if DANNY is possessed, sam and tucker begrudgingly explain that, uh, yeah, phantom might have a crush on you, he’s just really controlling of his emotions. (also kwan! kwan definitely plays a part if dash is possessed, maybe even in saying “uh... he has a bigger crush on Fenton. can you guys get him instead?” and danny. explodes)

blahlbahblah luring shadow out by being gay happens and shadow gets scooped back up by the 13s. as much as the previous argument is funny it might also be very funny if johnny literally noticed none of this, and kitty shows up like ‘you lost this’ and johnny is like. ‘...shadow? when did you leave’. anywho.

that’s the concept! the MAIN difference is that johnny and kitty actually have a very healthy and sweet relationship, and the conflict, ironically, comes from the fact that they love each other TOO much. i do love ‘dash finds out’ reveals but as far as an episodic romp goes, this might not be the best ep for him to discover the secret in. however in a oneshot or something of course you could slot that in there excellently i believe.

[midnight-in-town]

That new Aoex chapter... I was actually hoping we were going back to the present, but I wasn't disappointed by what we got. Quite a bit of lore, a glimpse of the true forms of the demon kings, the birth of the Illuminati, and Shiro becoming a dad. There was a lot going on and I think it really helped to connect the past with the present. What was your favorite part?

MY, ANON, THIS CHAPTER WAS SO FUNNY! Like, the more I look at it, the more I think 50% of it is some sort of joke from Kato-sensei’s part??? And don’t get me wrong, I love it, but just, this was insane. 

First of all, can I just say that I truly enjoy Sensei keeping on destroying the very thought of Satan/Yuri as a healthy & romantic pairing with every chapter lately? 

Because, there is a lot of things I can agree to disagree with when it comes to opinions, but I can’t understand people praising abuse and seeing it as love, which was definitely the case between Satan and Yuri with some fans. 

Supposedly he loved her, but the moment she stops being useful to him?

He destroys her (soul?) as well in Gehenna. 

For real, I feel bad for Yuri: we know that she loved Shiro and that it was bad luck & complicated childhoods that kept them away from each other until the end and now she won’t see her sons growing up, the Order is blaming her for Satan & Lucifer’s chaos and she somehow died twice. 

And the reason she betrayed Shiro and the Order for? Dude’s blowing it in her face that “it’s her fault” and that she’s useless to him, also after he revealed he killed her foster family. So yeah, I truly despise Satan, he’s not made to be a sympathetic villain at all (one can’t relate to his issue of lacking a body powerful enough to withstand his powers) and I hope their sons will somehow avenge their mother (and their actual father, the man who raised them).

Oh but since we’re on the rather gloomy parts of the chapter, I gotta say that… 

I’m glad the events of ch1 are finally being addressed. 

Maybe we’ll find out soon about why Shiro couldn’t withstand Satan’s possession almost a year ago in the story, leading to his death: maybe Rin’s words really did hurt him, especially since we know that Yukio kinda had issues with him back then too, without mentioning Shura’s anger…?

So I don’t know, perhaps he got dispirited thinking his children despised him and then his body had grown too old, or the experiments of Section 13 were too far away in time for him to recover in ch1… I guess we’ll see about that soon. ://

Also also, I kinda got spooked by by the Toudou family:

Looks like Saburouta killed his brothers and his wife during the Blue Night (?) leaving only his daughter alive, which is somehow how she ended up following in his footsteps and working for the Illuminati. 

Pretty scarring for that girl, I wasn’t expecting that at all.

As for the Myo Dha amongst the many victims of the Blue Night…

…rip Takezou, Koneko’s dad and Mamushi’s mom (also wondering where Jin, Renzou’s oldest sister, was the whole time but I think Sensei forgot about her).

Finally, I always wondered about how Shura fared throughout the whole Blue Night incident and…

baby girl did well by hiding. 

The rest of the chapter though? Mostly funny parts, I swear to Assiah and Gehenna, haha! For example:

I gotta say I was really intrigued by whatever this Ark is supposed to be, but then…

…Dude gets out a freaking vacuum to deal with Lucifer’s remains???? Yeah, honestly that’s where I lost it LMAO!

IDK if Sensei meant to imply “that’s because he’s trash” or somehow that vacuum leads to this Ark thing, but I really lost my mind reading that scene. xDD

AND THEN…

Mephisto literally said “looks like it will be tough cleaning all this up… Well, gotta go now, you sure don’t need my help, bye~!”. Is he the laziest demon or what?! 

Finally, guys taking out axes to free Jeremiah from the forest he created to protect himself from Lucifer ended up being the final blow for me:

This whole scene with Shemihaza really struck me more as funny (with demons having their own vibes) than anything else. 

Same style but different time and space, we had Lucifer coming back to Gehenna after being defeated by the combo Shemihaza + Samael and…

Mephy being here like “omg bro, u sure u ok after I exorcised you? yeah? well that’s good news then”, my God, I couldn’t help but think that he really is the lowest of the low. xDD

Best part of the whole chapter has to be the following panel though, obviously:

Congrats Shiro, you got what you always wanted: kids to raise and a lifelong debt that is equal to losing your entire freedom. Well, aren’t you h a p p y? 

Nah, more seriously, as predictable as it was since everyone expected the “favor” Mephy requested when Shiro was a child to come into play, I still feel truly bad for him. In the end, escaping the Order is what he wished for, ever since his traumatizing childhood in Section 13, and it’s the one thing he never managed to bite back.

Unless… well, we don’t know yet what the twins will do, but if they somehow manage to defeat Mephy (who is on Assiah’s side but also possibly one hell of a villain as far as they are concerned) or even just the Order, then maybe we’ll have Shiro’s revenge finally out in the open. 

To start with, we know that Shiro didn’t raise no weapon. Yukio may not believe it’s true, Rin can have his doubts, but Shura knows the real deal when it comes to Shiro’s feelings about Yuri and her sons.

So Shiro raising sons and not weapons might eventually be what will stab every manipulator within the Order deep in the back, which would make an awesome revenge for him in that case. 

Finally about this: 

I made a post about this once, but just so it’s clear: as King of Time, clearly Samael knows that Satan will try to invade Assiah once more and him double crossing the Baals & Satan by telling Satan that he will prepare Rin as a vessel is just the best way to get Rin to face his father once he’s ready:

Which he almost is by now, in my opinion.

So yeah, Mephy is the same manipulator as ever, toying with both humans and demons, but we know he’s on Assiah’s side so, from the way I see things, he cannot be in favor of Satan showing up every now and then, raising havoc.

On the other hand, Mephy toying with Shiro and the Okumura twins (amongst others) is precisely why he could make a very fine big bad that the twins have to confront (both for themselves but also for Shiro’s sake), once Satan and Lucifer are out of the way. Ahhh, we shall see.

TL;DR a w e s o m e chapter, as always lately! Some difficult and gloomy parts, some awful moments, some funny ones and Mephy being the same old trickster he’s fated to be: what else could we ask for?

I hope you enjoyed it too, Anon! I don’t think the present time is coming back that quickly (in at least two or three chapters maybe?), but for now I’m still enjoying the flashbacks, so it’s all fine with me. :))

Please have a nice day and thanks for passing by in the first place! ^3^

[mistabullets]

Hi! If you’re still doing the NSFW alphabet, could you please do the whole alphabet with Risotto? Tysm and i hope you’re doing ok!

Not SFW under cut ;

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

Risotto knows how to clean you up and check for any wounds. But he’s lacking when it comes to the cuddle department but that’s okay, you know he’s a busy man and that it’s only reserved for more intimate moments. He’ll still card your hair with his fingers while he’s busy with the paperwork or making the last phone calls of the evening.

B = Body Part (Their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

Risotto doesn’t necessarily care about his body, just as long he’s in shape. However, he does think his partner is a beauty and often finds himself quietly admiring your hips and thighs. 

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person)

He does like giving creampies despite the risk of doing so and potentially getting his partner pregnant. Risotto doesn’t want children but he does want to mark his partner in every shape and form. That includes filling them with his semen, in every hole possible. 

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

With your consent, he would love to use his invisibility technique, sneak up on his unsuspecting partner, and proceed to ravish them. He would never act out on the fantasy without a clear yes from his partner. 

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

Risotto has been involved with the mafia and crime for so long... so he’s definitely lacking in experience in the more romantic aspect. However, he has had his flings of prostitutes Passione has provided him and his team to use for... pent up energy and aggression. Also, this man has not been afraid to kidnap women and use them for bait in quite degrading ways.

F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying. Will probably include a visual)

Here’s a few: x, x, x, and x. Probably going to aim for not-as-deep penetration since he’s a bit bigger than the usual man. 

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc)

A hitman who is constantly at risk and is brewing some anger deep within... be humorous with his partner? No, Risotto is usually getting straight to business unless you are someone he has grown to love and trust. But expect to never see your boyfriend put his guard down during sex. 

H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

He’s shaven down there. His pubic hair doesn’t exactly match the color on the top of his head though. 

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…)

Risotto has never knew what a healthy and romantic relationship was. Even if he’s trying to be more romantic, he’s going to have a hard time expressing it. But he will later you know how wonderful you’re doing, albeit there’s going to a bit of degradation on his end. 

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

Honestly, Risotto hardly feels the need to masturbate. With or without a partner, he’ll most likely jack off once a week, maybe once every two weeks depending on how busy he it is. But when he masturbates, he needs to cum three times... at the very least. 

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

Aspects of BDSM really gets him going. Risotto is fond of the idea of body worship, sensation play, bondage, you name it. However, if you trust him enough, he really likes using Metallica for knife play and blood play. It just so endearing to see how much trust you have in him.

L = Location (Favourite places to do the do)

He likes to do it in his office, somewhere on his desk or on his couch. And he could quite frankly, give two shits if someone like Pesci or Melone walked in on him and his partner going at it. Risotto is a busy man after all. 

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

Seeing you absolutely surrender and beg for his cock, after being teased relentlessly. Also enjoys more subtle gestures, like you stroking his thighs and placing your head on his lap, near his groin. 

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Definitely sharing you with other members of La Squadra. He doesn’t mind if they look and admire but if they touch you, he’ll be angry. 

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

Risotto likes either. There is something so innately powerful about having his partner go down on him and try to fit their mouth around his girth. But there’s something so awarding about going down on you and rendering you a moaning and squirming mess with just his mouth and tongue. 

P = Pace (Are they fats and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

If you’re going to be with Risotto, don’t expect him to offer you slow, sensual, and romantic sex. He’s going claim you, rip off your clothes, litter your bodies with bites, and absolutely have his way with you. Of course, if you’re someone dear to him, he might slow down his brutal pace... but expect him to not follow through and pick back up his pace when chasing his climax. 

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

He’s not a fan of quickies. Much rather take his sweet time with his partner and have them thoroughly come undone... which can turn into hours. Quickies are not enough to suffice his hunger. 

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

When you’re in the mafia, you become used to the word risk and being able to take risks. Risotto is definitely willing to take risks to spice up his sex life, sometimes teetering on dangerous, especially if his stand is involved. 

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)

Oh, he can usually last four to five rounds, which usually takes around three hours. Risotto has a lot of pent up energy for you. 

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

Of course he has toys. He has multiple vibrators and ropes to use against his partner, especially if he’s wanting to punish them and torture them, in the best kind of way. Also has some toys he uses on himself but he’ll never ask his partner for any assistance (unless they are close). 

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Oh, he’s very unfair. The idea of tying you up to the bedpost and stuffing you full of dildos and vibrators, for a couple hours sounds amazing. He’ll make sure to steal away your orgasms and make you beg for his cock. 

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

Risotto is not that loud when it comes to sex. Sure, he’ll make a few grunts and growls... but most of the noise he makes is when he’s degrading you, asking how desperate you are for his cock. 

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)

If he ever finds a partner that is patient and willing to be with him, Risotto does crave some semblance of normalcy. He always had dreams of marrying a good spouse, having a couple of children, and maybe, if Passione allows for it, settling down on the countryside of Italy or some unknown European country with a low population. He values family, blood or chosen. 

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words)

The hitman is a good seven even inches with a girth of about five inches. He was circumcised at birth and he has a burning red tip. 

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

His sex drive is pretty high, having a bunch of pent up energy. He’ll usually bottle it up and let it explode, calling for an intense night of fucking. 

Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

Risotto has to get some paperwork done along with a few phone calls before he can allow himself the bliss of sleep. Sometimes it only takes thirty minutes but there has been some nights where he stayed up for three hours. On rare moments where he’s done all of responsibilities, he’ll attempt to embrace you in his warmth. He does need some human contact after all. 

[lligkv]

the smartest person who doesn’t do anything

Alison Rose, the daughter of a psychiatrist and a wealthy housewife, was hired as a receptionist at the New Yorker in her 40s—her first “real” job—and ended up writing “Talk of the Town” columns in the 1990s, striking friendships with writers like Renata Adler, Harold Brodkey, and George W. S. Trow along the way. Reading her memoir, Better than Sane, it’s clear it took Rose a long time to really achieve something, to grow beyond what she calls the “ancient feelings of freakishness” that her childhood left her with.

Her father is authoritarian and volatile. He mocks his patients and his family; he’s constantly on the verge of losing his temper with his wife and daughters. He calls them all scathing names. His wife and oldest daughter, Alison’s sister, are Babs I and Babs II, and Alison herself is Babs III, or “Personality Minus,” since she’s so quiet. Alison’s mother is glamorous and removed. She seems to treat Alison’s father as a fact of the world, one she can only accept, as she goes on to do what she likes—for instance, having children with him though he doesn’t really want them. She speaks up for her daughters sometimes, but the protests are fairly mild, in the way they might be when you’ve come to accept that the world is as it is, detaching yourself from it enough to remain sanguine.

Rose, as the product of a glamorous, abusive, inscrutable sort of childhood, is a master of the weird swerves that come from idiosyncrasy. Early in the book, she’s talking about her childhood friend “Squirrel.” “Before Squirrel’s arrival,” she tells us, “I had three mops as best friends.” “My first love, though,” she adds, “had been my pencil collection,” each member of which she names and comes to treasure. She loves the pencils because they are reliable, faithful, quiet: all the things she’s missing. And when her mother sharpens them—whether it’s by mistake or on purpose, Rose doesn’t say—it’s genuinely affecting:

Their faces were obliterated and unrecognizable. Some of them were a lot shorter, too. It was as if everyone I knew had a different head and face on a now stunted body. I couldn’t look at them anymore, all distorted like that, so I abandoned them. In the years that followed, I would see one of the pencils around the house, by a telephone, vaguely recognizable, but dead.

I came to like Alison for her humility along her halting path to some sort of accomplishment, some sort of wholeness. You could look down on her for looking up to so many famous writers, like Trow and Harold Brodkey, but her childhood left her so deeply pressed into timidity that her attachments to these magnetic figures she’s somehow become so close to is touching. Even Alison’s attachment to a youthful paramour, Billy the Fish, is touching.

Billy is Burt Lancaster’s son, whom Alison dates while she’s living in West Hollywood in the 70s, trying to become an actress. He’s a cool character, with his ironic attitude, his charisma, his “certain air of separateness”—Rose calls him “the Fish” because “it was as if he lived in its own element… [a fish] who came up for other people’s air, curious, but not very often”—and his boredom with the whole world at just twenty-two. “T’s to my E’s,” he says—short for Tears to my eyes—when he’s given a gift; “Cringe,” he says, aloud, when he feels like cringing; the people who love him, he seldom treats well. It would be easy to roll your eyes at him and wonder why Alison stays with him for seven years, on tenterhooks and speed much of the while, if her love for him weren’t so clear and so honest. “My heart liked him,” she says, simply. And the closest she ever got in life to what she calls “normal pie”—“this thing men and women get married about”—was with him.

“All of us,” Rose writes—the people who knew Billy in LA—“loved him, but he couldn’t feel it, I don’t think,” and she isn’t the type to blame him for that; she knows too well what not being able to feel love feels like. She forms deep attachments to charismatic people, the way you do when you’re raised to doubt yourself—and she’s not afraid to talk admiringly about the people who shaped her, those who challenge her notion from childhood that she’s “unsuited for human connection.” And I like that a hell of a lot more than the alternative: saying nothing or being shaped by no one.

What’s more, her self-doubt is belied by the wit she so often demonstrates. For instance, her retort to Brodkey as he calls lovingly out to her in the New Yorker’s hallway:

“My Bride,” Harold calls to me in the corridor.

“My Conscience,” I answer.

Or to Trow as he teases her when Brodkey isn’t around:

“Since Harold’s gone, why not throw a little attention my way?” George asked me that same week.

“I thought you might find it repellent,” I said.

“Not as long as you keep coming up with those snappy answers.”

In still another, more sober moment, Brodkey is trying to convince Alison to find someone other than George to bring to dinner with him and his wife. A real interest. “But Harold,” she says,

“I don’t have an appropriate suitor. You know that.”

“Not a suitor. No one likes you all that much.”

“Maybe that’s true,” I said.

Shit!

He tried to be comforting. “But nobody likes anybody all that much—it’s just moments, you know that.” After a pause, he added, “I’m the one who likes you that much, but if you get to know me better your life will be considerably shorter. Hang up now or I’ll start to cry.”

Seeing moment after moment of such quick wit from Rose, and pure honesty—such willingness to say what’s true and such refusal to sugarcoat—you see why Trow, Brodkey, and Penelope Gilliatt, another writer who often stops by Alison’s desk, like her so much. And why they seem to believe she has talent even when she does not. Anytime Rose says something Trow particularly understands, he tells her: “Darling: Write that down.”

The college-degreed writers in the office call the New Yorker “the magazine”; Alison, out of place as a Californian with no college education or work experience of any kind, calls it “School.” And the name is apt for deeper reasons than the one Alison gives, which is that she gets to write “notes to boys” like Brodkey and Trow. It’s an education. And it’s a second shot at a real life, with people who take pleasure in her mind.

“For nearly four decades,” Rose writes, she struggled with “enemy thinking”:

people deciding that the way I saw things was punishable by exile. Enemy-thinking people seem to have a ceaseless, brutal, active desire to punish; perhaps it made them feel superior and powerful. The writers at this School, who in their context were superior and powerful, were a divine present to me—their ease, which created a freedom from worrying about enemy thinking. The destruction it had done to me so far, like my conviction that I just plain didn’t belong in the world, was gone, or it felt like it.

The narrative rolls on. Alison, whose job performance is always a little erratic, is let go from her receptionist position; Trow—who tells her, in a memorable moment, that she cannot keep being “the smartest person who doesn’t do anything forever”—becomes determined to get her another place at School as a “Talk of the Town” writer; she gets the position and stays there for a while, until she leaves. Better than Sane is a force-of-personality book, and most of the things that happen in it go only elliptically explained.

But there is one narrative driver. The trauma that keeps Alison adrift can’t be gone until she confronts the people who instilled enemy thinking in her in the first place.

In the final chapters, Rose describes returning to her mother’s house in Atherton for her mother’s 90th birthday. Alison’s father drops out of the narrative after its first few chapters, but her mother has recurred throughout, often as a provoking presence in Alison’s life. And at the party, so close to her again, Alison’s character regresses. She becomes very clingy with her dog Puppy Jane, clutching Jane to her so she doesn’t have to be spoken to about anything but the dog. She behaves in alienating ways because she fears being alienated, on-the-outs with her mother and sister; better to fit their perception of her as the “crazy” one.

The crisis doesn’t resolve until Alison and her sister Belinda track down their old housekeeper Nita, now living in neighboring Richmond, to ask her about their childhood. In the conversation they have, Alison’s father returns and again comes to seem like the real enemy: “He was cruel,” Nita says firmly. “Very cruel.” “There was one person,” she tells Alison, “who wasn’t nice to you. Your father. He was real mean and your mother was so nice.”

Is what Nita says true? It’s hard to be sure. It’s certainly plausible, but Alison’s mother is a little too distant and arch for you to get a clear bead on her character, and as you hear her comment on the family’s drama, it’s clear Nita herself sees the family at some distance (which is healthy, for a housekeeper). But it is true that the person who terrifies you, as Alison’s father terrified her and her mother, is a force of nature. You don’t talk about him; you certainly don’t talk to him. Instead, you treat him as a fact of the world. You might harm yourself (or your children) as a result. Or you leave, and you push the person who terrifies you into the past. And usually the damage is still done. The anger that is permitted is the anger you feel toward the ones who are nice to you, at least sometimes, who seem as though they could be convinced and reasoned with and moved to act on your behalf yet refuse to respond to reason or persuasion or pleading or need. At the same time, terror of her father, and her mother’s seeming implacability, leave Alison timid, unable to express any of that anger or feel confidence in herself. So she wanders for years, not doing anything. And it takes Nita telling Alison, “Alis’, it was a crazy house. That’s all” for Alison to realize she can let it all go.

These final chapters—in which Alison, having finally accomplished something with her life, and having been recognized and loved by the writers at School, goes home and learns the truth, that it was her family that was crazy and not her, and is redeemed—do feel a little pat. But Better than Sane was published in 2004, and maybe that was before we all became cynical about the memoir form from seeing the familiar arc (a normal or painful childhood, an experience of crisis and failure, a fall to the depths, an opening to others, a redemption, a happy ending) play out so many times. Or maybe the end feels that much more predictable because the path Alison’s taken to get there has been so unpredictable.

The book did leave me wondering where Rose is now. Better than Sane is her only book. There are quite a few literary Alison Roses out there, but none seem to be her. There really is something “regal” about Rose, as Stacy Schiff put it in her New York Times review of the book—something deeply affecting about her honesty, the plainness of her feeling beneath the elliptical prose, the humility with which she presents herself. If she never writes again that I know of, it’d be a shame.

[izzyovercoffee]

@tiender replied to your post:“I know Republic Commando is a small fandom, but has anyone out there...”:

before or after the head injury? 'cos some weird stuff went on there, you know it did

both, I guess lol

mostly I’m trying to decide if I personally want to devote the time/energy to picking apart repcomm for the meta for these two, when I don’t ... really like Bardan Jusik for a long list of mandaboo related reasons (reasons that are... more about brown-nosing to Kal than actually having any real other reason to “go native” like he did in the way he did, when looking at it from an objective perspective)

I used to love Jusik, back when there was a really, really incredible writer for him in the repcomm rpc, but that was ... idr how many years ago that was actually (5+ years minimum), but it’s been a long time and that blog (and its headcanons and its meta) is long, long gone. generally a good writer can get you to love anyone, really, especially when they pick apart the little nuances of character.

I’m rambling. I’m gonna ramble some more since I’m thinking about it now and since I made the mistake of listening to the Lore podcast before bed

my thing is, I’m looking at a potential argument to concoct for a Fi/Jusik ship. after having briefly talked over an au timeline w/ @thelightreturns that’s completely unrelated to them, we realized that bc KT is so painfully straight it’s a ship that just ... completely reads as an impossibility / not a thing, and it’s a ship that as it turns out most if not the entire fandom has never even considered. 

considering that this specific fandom has explored some really crazy/crack ships just because they can, just because it’s titillating or a challenge to write or just fun, even from before AO3, that’s ... a really big surprise. 

also considering that it hits some of the big points fandom loves:

hurt/comfort

friends to lovers

closet key (maybe even for each other, idk)

height difference

brothers-in-arms / love on the battlefield

unrequited / one-sided 

it just surprises me that there’s barely anything out there.

and like... the thing is, even platonic (or one-sided, whatever), the pros are:

it deals directly with Fi’s internalized homophobia (I can’t find the meta that I’m thinking of rn but I’m also sleep deprived, but someone had done a very thorough read-through of the books and went through Fi’s internal narration, and it was genuinely heartbreaking the ways in which he absolutely sounds like ... someone so deeply in the closet that he can’t seem to even consider the possibility that he might not even be attracted to women. from the way he thinks about his relationship to Parja, to the way he thinks about her, the language he uses towards them vs the language he uses when interacting with men ... it’s a lot. I wish I could find it, and I’m starting to worry it was on one of the older RP blogs that have long since been deleted..... but anyway, it’s yet again another example of how KT thinks she’s writing one thing, but the entire narrative is actually building something else) 

it re-contextualizes Jusik’s otherwise culturally appropriative attitudes towards mando culture in a way that actually gives him genuine motivation, respect and justification to learn the language, absorb the culture, learn the nuances to really connect with someone he feels for ... because his motivation extends beyond chasing on the heels of an inconsistent father figure, to actually forming a foundation of a family unit (or a love interest), which I would argue is something more solid. the books give us a “well of course Jusik would” with no real explanation actually being provided to us, only chasing Kal’s approval (and the implication that that is somehow being a totally healthy, totally good thing ....... and it’s not)

it gives an out for the Fi/Parja relationship that doesn’t result in a rushed marriage that has Parja giving up everything for Fi, and I have a hard time actually buying that Parja would see his hesitation and ... not press to understand it better. (there were also headcanons back in the good ol’ days that Parja and Jusik were bffs, so seeing that kind of dynamic would genuinely be wonderful)

it provides an avenue to explore force-healing, force-bonds, and the ... unique ... development of a connection between Bardan and Fi, bc Bardan clearly put more into that healing than just the Force (the graying of his hair, the implication that he somehow looked older or more worn after, he essentially sacrificed part of himself for Fi, and it’s ... never addressed, never explored, never mentioned again)

we can just avoid the horrific Arla bull shit entirely had this been a thing

I am realizing this got really long so my bad, but yeah. you’re right, weird shit happened there, but it’s the kind of weird shit that if it was any other characters in any other niche fandom within star wars, there would at least be SOME jumping on it! the very idea that a soul-deep force-healing happened there, that Bardan sacrificed parts of himself to reverse Fi’s brain damage, that he spent months devoted to Fi in healing him, that he thought of ways to “reach” Fi even through his coma ....

and Fi is free. he becomes a free man after this genuinely traumatic experience, but he doesn’t talk about it with anyone in the series afterwards, and I used to think (and still do, I guess) that Bardan would actually be a good person to talk to about it (not just for Fi, I wrote a short series of Mereel recording his pseudo therapy sessions w/ Bardan, but I digress). 

idk. there’s a lot of potential here that’s just totally missed bc KT is so straight she made both these guys straight as boards when they literally potentially have a bond knit together by the force and near-death experience, and that relationship is potentially more compelling than the ones we were given for either of the, as is.

[officialthiamlibrary]

Meet The Mods - iftheskyisthelimit

We’ve had a few requests to do something similar to our “Behind The Screens” features in order to introduce ourselves, and we felt that after around a year of running this blog, and having another few people come on board along the way that now would probably be a good time to do it! 

The idea is that we’ll each take a turn at filling out and posting one of these so that you guys can to know us all a little better including our own personal tastes/preferences and get a little bit more of an idea of how we all work and what we each bring to the team etc…

About You

Username/Name: 

iftheskyisthelimit / Lisa

AO3/Tumblr: 

https://archiveofourown.org/users/iftheskyisthelimit / http://iftheskyisthelimit.tumblr.com/ 

How did you find your way to the Thiam fandom? What about them drew you in? 

I’d lurked in the Teen Wolf fandom for a while on Tumblr, and became really interested in Theo’s character and his story since he’d shown up in Season 5 (okay at first it was his looks that got me interested… let’s be honest), which evolved into being interested in his backstory when we found out a bit more about him. It wasn’t until his return in Season 6 that I enjoyed watching their characters together and their interactions and started looking around more on Tumblr for their characters that I discovered it wasn’t just me... then I randomly came across the Thiam ship through seeing some fics on Tumblr and found the Official Thiam Library as result of that... 

Using a sentence, where the word count is either equal to or less than the number of letters in your two favorite Teen Wolf episode names, tell us about yourself. (ex, Motel California + Werewolves of London = 33 ; Raving + Galvanize =15)

Memory Found + Apotheosis = 21 - I’m slightly quirky but serious, love music, reading and travelling... kinda funny and always overly organised. Can’t ever cut something short...

What’s one thing about you or your life that we’d be surprised to know about?

Do you want serious, interesting or fun facts? I’ll do both as they might surprise people. Serious/boring: I have at least 3 chronic illnesses which tend to floor me, hence my long absences between writing & updating what I’m working on. Interesting: I can speak/read/understand around 5 languages and I’m a bit of a different cultures & sociology nerd.

One other thing I guess is when I get interested in a topic I get interested and have to know aallllll the ins and outs of it and thoroughly research it, so I’m probably full of boring random facts about a bunch of things that come in handy on general knowledge quizzes, but which no-one has any interest in knowing...

Other Shows/Movies You Follow:

Does too many to mention count as an answer? No? Okay… In no particular order *deep breath* 

Shows: The Handmaids Tale, Animal Kingdom, The 100, Vikings, Stranger Things, All American, Riverdale, Scream, Supernatural, Parks and Rec, Vampire Diaries, Big Bang Theory, Modern Family, Twelve Monkeys, Shadow Hunters, Game Of Thrones, Reign, American Horror Story, Buffy… There are literally a ton more but I really can’t think on them at the moment….

Movies: I can’t really say that I follow movies per-se… if I had to choose I’d say Marvel movies though if that counts as an answer? Umm… genre wise I like a wide range but mainly gravitate towards comedy, action and thriller movies. Or something with a good twist in the story where it either throws what you thought you were watching on its head, or you get an “aaahhhhh that’s was happening” moment. To watch a horror, it has to have that something that makes me want to watch it or get invested in it… whether it’s a character I really relate to or can get invested in, or a really good story. My favourite horror is probably Haunting In Connecticut, and I saw Midsommar recently and thought it was really amazingly done!

Other Fandoms You Follow:

I don’t really follow a lot of fandoms if I’m honest. I would probably say after Teen Wolf I follow the Marvel, The 100 and Supernatural fandoms more. Mainly the Captain America/Steve/Bucky fandoms. I love a good discussion about Animal Kingdom too!

Other Favourite Characters from shows/movies?

Uuuuhhhh…. Okay you asked for it, I was going to explain my reasons for why I love each but I’d be here all day and this part alone would end up turning into an essay.

Steve Harrington (Stranger Things), April Ludgate (Parks and Rec) , Sam Winchester (Supernatural), Craig Middlebrooks (Parks and Rec), Mickey Milkovich (Shameless US), Bucky Barnes (Marvel), James Cole (Twelve Monkeys), Jack Kline (Supernatural), Michael Langon (American Horror Story), Catherine de Medici (Reign), Constance Langdon (American Horror Story), Dean Winchester (Supernatural), Alec Lightwood (Shadow Hunters), Anya Jenkins (Buffy), Raphael Santiago (Shadow Hunters), Stephane Narcisse (Reign), Kai Parker (Vampire Diaries), John Murphy (The 100) 

What do you like to create (writing/art/videos)? 

I’d really love to be creative enough to make art or videos, but I’m really not! I’m far more comfortable with writing… I find it a lot easier to plan a story, or just to start writing and let the words flow that way and see where it goes. It’s a good way for me to express myself and to work through feelings or to just switch off for a while and create words on a page.

Do you only create for Teen Wolf/Thiam?

I have written for Supernatural in the past and I’m planning to write a Raphael fic for Shadow Hunters at some point and maybe a John Murphy one because I’ve not found many for him that cater to my angsty tastes when there’s so much that can be explored... But at the moment yes it’s only for Teen Wolf. I’ve also posted one Sceo fic which I would like to continue as well!

Which genres do you prefer reading and creating for?

Angst, angst, angst… did I mention angst?? It just feels right to me to write angstier fics, the words and ideas just seem to flow really well, which is a surprise as I’m not really an angsty person in life. It’s just what I’ve always gravitated towards writing and I find a lot better to express myself in that way. I have a humour/angst WIP which I decided to attempt a while ago and I did quite enjoy writing something a little different from what I normally do and people seemed to enjoy it.

If your creative process was a person, what type would they be? What would they do? Wear? Listen to? How do they handle conflict?

Quite probably the most disorganised messiest person alive… No not really… just sorta… kinda… maybe… In all seriousness, they’d be half organised and half “ lets see where this road takes us”. They would probably wear all black all day every day, and be a half emo kid who listens to punk pop and emo music from their teens with a healthy mix of dance and sad songs. Handling conflict? We don’t do that here… we bottle up our feelings and hide them away until they come out in the wrong ways. No really… I think they’d express themselves pretty clearly with 1000 words instead of 100.

Official Thiam Library

How did you find the Official Thiam Library?

I found the Official Thiam Library through searching the Theo Raeken tags on Tumblr and seen the page name pop up a few times, I had a look at the page not long after and followed pretty quickly, I needed my Theo/Thiam fix and this page covered it very well!

First impressions?

“Woah, they’re on the ball!” and then when I saw a few of the events the page done I was really impressed at how often they posted recommendations and how they could organise it all.

How did you come to be involved on the mod team?

I filled in the form for Beta Readers and Helpers for the Thiam Big Bang, I’d have loved to have participated but I didn’t know if I’d have been able to commit to having such a large work completed on a deadline, so I thought I’d offer to help in another way, having helped to run the Supernatural SummerGen for a few years. Tiffany got back to me pretty quickly about it and I came on board at that point.

What do you feel that you bring to the team?

Uuuhhh… I hate these types of questions haha! I really feel like I mostly bring my organisational skills, along with the way that like to try and help out where I can in the background with writing/explaining things or getting back to people with asks/emails etc... With the Big Bang I brought my experience of things I’d learned from the Supernatural events I’d worked on too which I think/hope was of use?

How do you help out?

Mainly what I’ve answered above applies to this question too I think?

What would you like to see for the Official Thiam Library over the next year?

I’d really love to see the page continue… continue on as is, doing a few more fandom events, grow as a page and fandom... also to help keeping the fandom going which is important right now I think… we’ve managed it so far though! We were just speaking about how thrilled we are that the fandom is still going strong. I also think it’s important to give older and newer fandom creators the recognition & cheer that they deserve too, which can be done through reblogging/recommendations and different events too. 

 Cute BTS Questions

Let’s imagine you’ve landed in a Zombie apocalypse, Walking Dead/Zombieland style. You’re among seven survivors–yourself and six characters from Teen Wolf. Which five would be your first choice for survival, entertainment, etc? And who would be the sixth character, the one you’d willingly push in front of a rage-filled zombie mob given the first chance? 

I can’t help but feel that my choice for the last part will be unpopular but here goes:

Theo and Chris for survival… they seem like they’d both be good to have around in this sort of situation, Stiles for entertainment because he had his funny moments and would keep everyone going I think. Melissa because we all need a mother figure who knows when to be tough but can also provide you with the loving support you need. Scott because… well… he’s a the alpha and we’d need someone to lead our small group and take charge when needed. 

Who would I willingly throw to the zombie mob given the first chance? Allison and Kira are both a tie here. Can’t I throw them both?? I never really liked Allison as a character… I don’t even really know why I just never gelled with her as a character I would like or could even get behind. Kira… ugh… just ugh… I feel like she was quite a forced character, they tried too hard to make her this cooky/funny character who could also kick ass and it just came off wrong to me… I never really warmed to her as she just felt forced. 

If you could read only 5 fanfictions for an entire year, which would you choose? Thiam or another fandom, if not Thiam, which fandom? 

In no order at all because I never tire of reading any of them:

1 - Airplanes by Captainmintyfresh - Teen Wolf - Thiam fanfiction

2 - Despite The Threatening Sky And Shuddering Earth (They Remained) by praximeter (Zimario)  - Captain America - Steve/Bucky fanfiction

3 - The Call by DemonzDust - Teen Wolf - Sceo fanfiction

4 - The Crow On The Cradle by Refur - Supernatural fanfiction

5 - Gotta Have Faith by arxiver - Captain America - Steve/Bucky fanfiction

You are our sensei and us your pupils, can you impart any life/writing wisdom? 

Life wisdom: Don’t sweat the small stuff... seriously… it wastes so much time and energy that you could be using for other things. If you can’t control it or you don’t feel it’ll be bothering you this time next year, then don’t let it bog you down.    People will come and go, that’s a part of life, take the lessons that they taught you from their time in your life (whether positively or negatively) and use them wisely. 

Writing wisdom: Don’t force yourself. If you’re having an hour, a day, or a week where the words or ideas won’t come then don’t force it to happen, you’ll only feel worse. Step back, put on some music which suits the tone of whatever you’re writing and try to get in the mood of your story that way, it’s amazing the words that can come or the complete change in direction you can go from doing that. 

Finally, what’s next for you?

Hopefully getting back into the swing of things with the Official Thiam Library and writing more again, getting ready for the Reverse Big Bang, and planning a few things in my personal life, like a few trips, my wedding and a house move (yes… I’m becoming a boring adult and it’s a scary new world!)

[transamorousnetwork]

A Normal Man’s Guide To Loving Transgender Women

I love transgender women. Because I am out and proud about this, I get emails and calls from all kinds of people (men, women, transgender women, trans men) asking all kinds of questions about their transamory.

Men have the most trouble finding reconciliation. They find transgender women beautiful, worthy of love and, frankly, irresistible. Even while realizing dating transgender women sometimes comes with extraordinary drama levels. Despite that, many of these men aren't struggling with that. What's difficult is reconciling their attraction with being a "normal" man.

I'm writing this story –– my story –– for those men. The following is universal. Yet it is uniquely helpful for men right now. I mean "normal" men.

I write "right now" because men face intense (self-inflicted) scrutiny. Scrutiny well deserved. This January, the American Psychological Association (APA), said traditional masculinity is sociologically harmful:

"[It] stunts male's "psychological development, constrain[s] their behavior, result[s] in gender role strain and gender role conflict and negatively influence[s] mental health and physical health", they said.

Traditional masculinity is what I call normal men.

^^Click here for more info

Feminism suggests the APA's findings originate in male awe, envy and ignorance. Feminists call this Womb Envy.  That's a term coined by German psychoanalyst Karen Horney.  Normal men find awe in what they instinctively know: Every human enters life through a womb connected to a vagina. At least for now.Forgetting their part in life-creation, normal men feel insecure and envious. Their envy becomes all-consuming. Willful ignorance replaces envy, allowing the subordination of women. Normal men gain superiority this way.

The result: Masculine wholeness –– which recognizes the female in the male ––  gets lost.

This is what I'm seeing in the Gillette controversy. Men's life experience is reflecting back to them their out-of-balance-ness. Like children, some men are reacting first to Gillette's spot-on ad, then thinking. Or not thinking at all.

What does this have to do with loving transgender women?

A lot.

It is this acting out first, then thinking, or not thinking at all, that gets a lot of men in trouble. It also gets many transgender women killed. All, believe it or not, for the sake of love.

· · ·

I realized I was transamorous in my 30s. Before that, I saw "masculinity" and "femininity" as two parts of a whole being. Sometimes I felt more feminine than masculine back then. Even though I was having sex with girls.

Sometimes I would sneak into my mom's closet. It was an endless sea of femininity. There, I would dress in my mom's clothes. I used her lipstick and pranced before her full length mirror, with its ornate wooden frame and chipped paint. Her lingerie particularly intrigued me.

Often these sessions would end with masturbation.

That's how I got busted.

^^My mom when I was young (Photo: Gruber family)

One day my mom called me to her room. How did she know it was me and not one of my brothers? Let's just say it was mothers' intuition. Otherwise I don't know. In any case, my mom's love trumped anything else in our little chat. She didn't want me playing in her clothes, she said. But it was ok that I was exploring.

That could have gone a lot worse.

This was before "transgender" was a thing. I mean, it was a thing. Transgender people have always been around. But it wasn't in the public eye as it is today with high-profile transgender models, actresses, politicians, Julia Serranos, Stef Sanjati's.

Even it if was, I was too young to know what "transgender" was. Thinking about that time, and times today, I can imagine how it feels to be transgender. Not knowing you are transgender. Then discover the word "transgender" for the first time.

It must come with profound relief to know you're not alone.

The same is true for men attracted to transgender women. They think they're alone. But they are not.

When I discovered my transamory, "transamory" wasn't a thing either. I didn't know, for example Lou Reed had a long term relationship with a transgender woman. But I sure loved his song.

Nor did David Bowie's gender-bending persona catch my eye.

So when I fell in love with the first transgender woman I ever saw, in a Yakuza bar in Osaka, Japan, I was blown away. Blown away by her beauty. Blown away by the circumstances. And blown away for how deep and instantaneous my attraction was.

I was in the Marines at the time. My girlfriend, who would become one of my few fiancés took me to see her home town. She thought I'd get a kick visiting a Yakuza bar. I don't think she knew how profound that kick would be. It kicked off what would culminate in everything I am today. That and how I tell my transamory story with recovering "normal" transamorous men looking for solace.

My wife today calls me her gay boy. It's true, my feminine side is well-developed. I don't cross dress or anything like that. I do enjoy reveling in that part of me that is soft, kind, receptive and open. And yet, I do present male, although I consider myself gender neutral. I recognize the female in me as much as I do the male.

And here's where love comes into the picture. And by that I'm referring to self-love.

^^Photo: Bima Mentara on Unsplash

Many of my fellow Marines weren't as appreciative of my nature as my wife is. Or my mom. It wasn't constant, but Marines can be callous towards someone not embracing the macho, natural-born-killer persona believed to enshroud what it is to be a Marine. Of course, the occasional taunts ended once I became a Sergeant of Marines. Yet, the juxtaposition between my feminine side and my masculine side represented a crossroads back then. The path I took was embracing both. Choosing to be me, I said to hell with everyone else. After all, if I could take shit from Marines, I could take shit from anybody.

^^That’s me. Around 1982

In other words, I chose loving myself for all that I am. I chose that over caring what other people think about what I am. An aspect of what I am is a man who loves transgender women.

As I love myself, I love the blend that is the transgender female form. I love the struggle transgender women must go through. I love their strength. I love that they are sometimes reviled not only by men, women and society, but also by their parents sometimes. I love them because I know all these challenges make them who they are.

As my challenges made me who I am.

Today, I am married to a cis-woman who is working through her own process owning her lesbianism. Ours is a marriage of convenience. By that I mean, there is no better relationship for us than the one we have. It calls us to become more of that which we are. As individuals and as a couple. It has an end date because I'm transamorous and she leans gay. But for now, it works.

· · ·

I met my wife online. I hadn't been successful dating transgender women. I had relationships. but the early ones reflected my own trans-attraction insecurities. My insecurity showed up in meeting transgender women who also were insecure. Insecurity is no foundation for healthy coupledom. It didn't help that I dated in secret. In between cis-gender lovers.

Maybe that sounds familiar.

^^Me and my wife on our first date. (Photo Kyle Layser)

Insecurity transamorous men feel initially shows up in many ways. One is fear of being seen in public with the woman they find attractive. It's an early "trans-attraction" stage of transamory. It sounds dumb, but it's real. And it's a step older transamorous men go through more than younger ones these days. Some younger generation transamorous men reflect their generation. Their generation accepts gender fluidity. So they do too. So they don't experience insecurity.

Pro-tip non-sequitur for transgender women: Ridiculing and shaming men for being in this stage prolongs it. Want men to be proud to be with you in public? Stop shaming them.

When I met my wife, I was not intending to marry. I was open to a non-traditional relationship. Anyone I found attractive and compatible would do. Yet I entertained preference for a transgender partner. I knew, however, my insecurity wasn't going to match me with a transgender partner of my dreams.

My wife was determined to break her streak meeting men who were not good for her. Like me, she realized she was her problem. Not the men she dated. So we were a perfect match.

Relationships are always like that. Perfect matches.

Our marriage is a training ground. In it we are helping prepare one another for partners we eventually will have. It is our agreement. Our latest indicator our relationship is working is how we came to having an open relationship without any stress, struggle or pain.

As we together grow into our individual security, we are accepting who each other is. Our marriage reflects that. It has grown more peaceful and loving. And in that loving there is acceptance and freedom. Including freedom to explore my transamory should I choose.

If you're trans-attracted or transamorous, married or not, you can't love the object of your affection until you first love yourself. Especially if you're married. A lot of transamorous men are married to cis-gender women. There is nothing wrong in that.

Still, if you are married, your wife knows on some level that you are different. I assure you fights between you two have a lot to do with insecurity born of that awareness.

Hardness creates more struggle. So does insecurity. Extreme cases result in death. Almost half the murders of transgender women in 2017 happen in the context of intimate relationships gone awry, according to research I've done online. Seems to me the sooner you embrace who you are, the better you and everyone else will be. You'll be one less transamorous man hiding in their shame. That can prevent a murder.

^^It's time more transamorous men embrace all of who they are. (Photo: Ozan Safak on Unsplash)

Men loving transgender women is normal.

Love between humans is the norm. So it is normal that a human would express love for another human. Both men and transgender women are human. So love between them is as normal as any other love.

But I would argue there is no such thing as a "normal" man.

There are all kinds of men. The Gillette controversy shows that. If you're trying to be a normal man and think that's ok, you're not expressing your authenticity. You're expressing insecurity. Your "abnormality" is the norm. Your "perversity" is the norm. Your "sin" is the norm. Abnormality, perversity and sin are words reflecting societal judgment.

Fuck that.

Your individuality is the norm. That means there's no such thing as a normal or traditional man.

Transgender people are here to help all humanity to come to grips with the fact that to be human is to be different. There are a lot of normal men out there confronting their normalcy in light of their transamory. Some respond violently, with tragic consequences for both victim and perpetrator. Others call me, or send an email.

If you find transgender women attractive, you're in good company. All men will find the attractive ones attractive. Until they discover that attractive woman is transgender. But that doesn't negate their initial attraction. It only masks the attraction with shame expressed as revulsion. You're still attracted to her.

If you find transgender women worth loving, but struggle with it, that's ok. You don't have to figure it all out now. You will in time. My experience is, the journey is worth it. For you, for your relationships and for the human race as a whole.

The journey is sweeter, though, after you accept what you are.

[ecoutez-moi]

part 5 - gratefulness in our lives

DAY  27  - MONDAY - March 15

Adreanna C.

Of course! I am grateful for:

1. God & His many blessings

2. Family

3. Friends

4. Great health

5. Being in my right mind

6. Remaining financially stable during these hard times

7. Having a roof over my head

8. Having so much love & support surrounded around me

9. The mistakes I’ve made & continue to make every now & then because I only learn from them

10. LIFE

DAY 28 TUESDAY- March 16

Sophia C.

10 things I’m grateful for

1. A steady job that allows me to have a income to not only purchase what I need but also little wants that bring me joy.

2. A group of work friends who takes me as I am. They listen to my Debbie downer complaining when I feel burnt out and take in my over-the-top extra-ness when I feel motivated without making me feel bad about being either way.

3. A healthy and relatively smooth first pregnancy with only annoying but not-too-scary symptoms or complications.

4. Being able to spend time with my family and have them feed me/talk to me while transitioning to a new place.

5. Having the financial means to get a bigger place.

6. Having support from my partner during an isolating time.

7. Having different types of friends and relationships to lean on in different aspects of my life- an empathetic brother and an aggressive sister to stand up for me in the stuff that I’m too meek in.

8. The recovery of my family after health scares.

9. A body that allows me to live and enjoy life.

10. The experiences and relationships that brought me to where I am today and continue to help me grow as a person.

Rachel C.

Rachel’s Gratitude List

   •    A safe place to live

   •    A caring partner in life

   •    My health

   •    The ability to find the positive in a situation rather than getting stuck in the negative.

   •    Access to clean water to drink

   •    A way to make a living in the midst of this pandemic.

   •    Food 😊

DAY 29 WEDNESDAY - March 17

Didi

Today I’m grateful to wake u p  and still can see a beautiful view of the sky. A fresh smell in  the morning. A good breakfast which tastes so amazing even if it ‘s just a scrambled egg. A peace of mind I had because I wake up to live like there’s no tomorrow. Love and Bless <3 

Maritza

I’m grateful for everything

Happiness friends and love Nd  music

DAY 30 Thursday  - March 18

Kristin D. 

I am grateful for:

1. Loving parents and family

2. Friends

3. Health

4. Safe shelter

5. Food provision

6. Current employment

7. The opportunity to sit still (this is spiritual)

8. New bible study

9. Mentoring program

10. Lessons that I will learn from the last 2 difficult weeks

Ivy F.

1. Yoga

2. Breathing

3. Fresh foods

4. My parents

5. Support of friends

6. Hope for change

7. Rain & sunshine

8. Simply feeling - allowing myself to get more comfortable with openly feeling my emotions

9. A laugh that hurts so good

10. A bright smile

Justus W.

Grateful for strength and wisdom in my marriage!

Grateful for the trials I’ve been through that added clarity to my thinking

Grateful that my mother and brothers are taken care of

Grateful for the gifts God had given me to use.

Grateful that every time anyone negative or crazy is in my life God always exposes them.

Grateful that in my years of cross country driving nothing terrible has ever happened.  

Grateful that God must have a lot of patience with me 😂

Grateful to have a home and safe place.

Grateful that since I turned 18 God has provided for every bill. Never missed a payment on anything

Grateful that I know God. And that if anything on this list ever changed I could still stand on the Word and have faith!

DAY 31 March 19 FRIDAY

Klisha T. 

Hmmmmmm 10 things

About to get the kids to bed but theres so many things lol

For health, for my kids, for healing for Mya, for my husband, for salvation, for God's grace

For our best friends Myo and Natalie

Literally for a place to live

Running water

Food

Is that 10? Lol

DAY 32 March 20 SATURDAY

Vlad S.

My wife

My family

My friends

My dogs

My creativity

Nature

Good food

My neighborhood

Biking

My youth

Kevin M. 

I am grateful for my health - I am

Obviously getting older but I feel like I am healthier than when I was younger. I am feeling the healthiest and most grounded I have felt in a long time.

I am grateful for some space in my life.

I am grateful for the deep, connected friendships I have cultivated over the years. I feel as we all get older these friendships are going to be what sustains me.

I am grateful to be inspired everyday by what people are creating in this world.

I am grateful I get to work at something that interests me.

I am grateful that most days I wake up and can put my energy towards things that excite me.

I am grateful for my mom, dad and my sisters and the family I was born into.

I am grateful I am still very close to my mom and sisters.

I am grateful that I get to live in NYC and that the city still excites and inspires me.

I am grateful for Al-Anon.

I am grateful to be free of any substance addictions in my life.

I am grateful for the natural talents, skills, gifts that I have been given by God and that I can use those everyday to what I do or in service of others.

I am grateful that I have been blessed with the resources that I need to live a comfortable life.

I am grateful that it’s easy for me to see the good in people.

I am grateful that I have a curious mind.

I am grateful that I feel my feelings deeply.

I am grateful that I am nor afraid to cry in front of people.

I am grateful that I always want to be better.

I am grateful for my three children and that they have such big, bold and expressive personalities.

I am grateful for the many years I have had in partnership with Leslie and all the incredible adventures we have had.

I am grateful for the other romantic relationships I have had in my life and the wisdom they have given me.

I am grateful for the times life teaches me how to let go.

I am grateful that alcoholism in my family has given me the opportunity to form a deeper connection to my spirituality.

I am grateful that I have so many things I am grateful for!!!

DAY 33 March 21 SUNDAY

I missed today :( 

DAY 34  March 22 MONDAY

David H.

1. Everyone in My family is healthy

2. Thru this last year where our family members could not meet , my cousins have announced engagements and pregnancies so our family is growing

3. Work is good , the word is getting out that I’m not bad at this

4. In a world where ppl have a difficult time

This year, my business has thrived

5. My perspective on life is more keen

6. I have the capability to low you now as a passerby than I did years ago when I was closer

7. God was always with me. But I only see him now

8. From our last conversation you’re in better place now and I’m thankful for that

IM so happy for you. I couldn’t genuinely say that years ago

9. Perspective

10. Christina, you’re a bigger part of my life than you know.  I’D kill for you

DAY 35 MARCH 23 TUESDAY

Chrissy K.

My ten.. I’m grateful..

- even though my sanity and energy is tested everyday- I’m grateful for this extra time I’m having with the kids, to watch them grow in small ways everyday

- most of family and friends have been healthy (or able to recover), safe, financially stable during the pandemic

- being able to ride out half of the pandemic in San Diego, meaning more space, more things for the kids to do ie, zoo, beaches, closer to cousin

-having access to some beautiful outdoors

- great weather so we weren’t cooped up inside all year

- super humbling and challenging living with the in-laws.. but grateful charlie and Benny are able to bond with them

- the timing of things.. bro was out in ny right before pandemic hit so was able to help At the store, in-laws decided to go to Korea for extended time so it allowed us to have time alone in sd, my maternity leave rolled right into quarantine

- food

-korean dramas 😂 keeping it real- turned into korean lady putting on kdrama while I do dishes and cook

- finally able to drink again.. pass that glass of wine or beer

DAY 36 MARCH 24 WEDNESDAY

Shav G. 

1. my health

2. my sleep schedule

3. my ever supportive family

4. my friends i get to jam with every day

5. my studio being close by

6. the city that inspires me every day

7. my recent boom in love interests 🤣

8. my view

9. my doormen they’re my bff’s

10. my drive to do better

Anne C.

[11:17 PM, 3/24/2021] Anne C: this is amazing - love that you're creating and holding space for something positive.

[11:17 PM, 3/24/2021] Anne C: life has been very tough - giving me a beating with what its throwing at me.

[11:18 PM, 3/24/2021] Anne C: so I'll like to say i'm grateful for strength

DAY 37 MARCH 25 THURSDAY

Marion G.

What a great idea! I would love to!

1. My family

2. Good health

3. Great friends (you included!)

4. Coffee in the morning

5. A good night's sleep (when I get one)

6. The time I've been able to spend with my kids this past year.

7. Peace of mind

8. Having a job during these difficult times

9. Wine

10. Music

What a great exercise to do first thing in the morning! Miss you!! ❤

Bonnie Y.

DAY 38  MARCH 26 FRIDAY

Sina W.

1. My parents. They’ve really been there for me through the challenges of covid & especially through the break up. Paying for therapy & spending a lot of time with me watching shows and just crying was very needed.

2. Ty. I would say “my friends” but I haven’t seen my friends like that. I spend every day with Ty lol. He is my friend soulmate and I hope everyone finds a friend like him. He walked me to my apartment every night when I was being harassed by my ex, let me crash with him, fed me, and above all has made incredible sacrifices to be a part of this music journey with me and I can’t thank him enough.

3. Nature. I’ve spent a lot of time connecting with nature, reading about nature, and sitting in nature. It’s been very meditative and helped me keep a level head.

4. Music. Just grateful to do what I love & be able to take everything I’m feeling and turn it into something tangible and productive. It has been my saving grace through quarantine and I don’t know what I’d be doing if I didn’t have it.

5. Edibles lol. Between October and February my anxiety was through the roof. I’ve been through a lot of shit recently and thank god there’s been something to take the edge of sometimes.

6. Books. I’ve read 20 books since Christmas. I’ve been really excited about learning recently. Everything from meditation to the ice age to gentrification. It’s given me a lot of perspective and makes me really happy.

7. My sister. We recently started getting a lot closer and I always hoped that would happen.

8. My DOG. He makes me so happy. Like pure joy. I love him so much.

9. The sun. Not very common in Portland but every week we may get a sunny day and every time it happens it’s a reminder that this will be over soon. When the world was open, the clouds didn’t bug me so much. But now I look forward to the sun like no other.  

10. BLAZER GAMES. Omg. I have not missed a game this season. It gives me something to look forward to & they are so fun to watch.

Anna B.

1. My health

2. Friends

3. Intuition

4. Abundance

5. Setting boundaries

6. Mindfulness

7. Family

8. Frank

9. Creativity

10. Feeling safe

DAY  39 MARCH 27  SATURDAY

Jon R.

10 things I’m grateful for.

1. Friendship with genuine connection

2. Like minded individuals/creatives

3. My family (we’ve been dysfunctional for years but a new leaf has turned over and we’re all making a strong effort to be a better unit)

4. My litter brother finally making the choice to better his life and get off the streets

5. God!

6. My girlfriend

7. You. (we can go months without talking but we always pick up where we left off. Since day 1 you’ve been an honest friend who’s opinion I value and I love you dearly)

8. Fashion

9. Music

10. Good health

DAY 40 MARCH 28 SUNDAY

Allie G.

Hey Christina!!! Hope you are doing swell(: hmmm 10 things?

My friends

My house

The weather today 🔆

Healthy body

Healthy mind

Avocados

Live music

Laughter

The ocean

And YOU for allowing me to sit and think about that

DAY  41 MARCH 29 MONDAY

Ray T.

I’m grateful for the almost 25 years of friendship with Christina Chow Mein

Ann K.

Hi Christina,

I hope you’re doing well!

Today I am thankful for:

1. the Hubs (today is our anni)

2. having all our needs met everyday

3. healthy kids

4. getting to and from work safely

5. growing garden seedlings

6. COVID vaccine

7. teachers

8. consistently having work to do

9. longer hours of daylight

10. friends that remind me of God’s goodness

[jonasmaurer]

Stay-At-Home Mother’s Day Gift Ideas

Sharing a stay-at-home Mother’s Day gift guide with lots of ideas for the women and caretakers we love so much.

Hi friends! How’s the day treating you so far? I hope you’re having a good morning. The weather has been warming up a ton here in Tucson, so the girls have been staying cool by playing with the hose, the unicorn sprinkler, and I ordered them a little inflatable pool that should be here today. If this continues, we’ll be hopping the wall at my parents’ houses to use their pools.

I was brainstorming Mother’s Day ideas since it’s just around the corner. It’s going to be a different kind of Mother’s Day this year and some of the things I’d usually request (a great restaurant brunch, nap, get-together with our whole family, and a spa service gift card!) are pretty much off the table for now. I thought I’d share some of the ideas I’ve thought of if you’re trying to plan something special, or if you want to send it along to the hubby as a “wink-wink, here are some ideas” kinda thing. There are lots of lower-cost and free options included in this gift guide, too. I’d love any ideas you have for Mother’s Day (especially for our moms and grandmothers!) during this weirdo time.

Stay-At-Home Mother’s Day Gift Ideas

The daily uniform! Fashion is a liiiiittle different (at least for me!) these days. I’m living in loungewear and athletic clothes. Here are some of my fave picks:

Athletic clothes:

– My fave sneakers ever. I wear them for workouts and for life. The kids also have pairs and LOVE them. The kids’ ones wash extremely well – I throw them in the washer and let them air dry- and they’ll continue to be their go-to sneakers when/if we ever go back to school. *laugh emoji* *cry emoji*

– These are the best everyday tees. I have so many of them and they’re awesome for lounging/everyday. If you’re in between sizes for lululemon, definitely size down (I wear a 4 or 6 in lulu and order 4s for these).

– Athletic shorts that aren’t too short and are available in different colors and patterns. I’m wearing these in the color Cassis while I write this post. I also got paint on them during our cabinet painting, which is totally my fault, but still a bummer.

– The best leggings!! They’re not see-through, are supportive, and have a super flattering high waist.

– Lightweight workout tanks.

– New sunglasses.

– A comfy tie dye sweatshirt. These are all the rage right now and I’m HERE for it.

Comfy pajamas and loungewear:

– The best everyday summer pajamas. I have a few pairs of these and love that they feel put-together (like hey, my pajamas match! #littlewins) but are very comfortable and practical.

– A simple nightgown.

– Cute cactus PJs.

– Slippers. These ones are water resistant and feel like walking on clouds.

– A new robe.

– A baseball cap.

Beauty + spa at home:

Moms love Beautycounter! This is such a great opportunity to try out some of our bestsellers for yourself, or gift them to someone you love.

My top picks:

– A neutral palette that can be used for daytime or nighttime looks.

– Our all-new Vitamin C serum. It has two ultra-stable forms of Japanese vitamin C to help brighten skin and reduce age spots. It also contains antioxidants to help protect the skin and gives an awesome dewy glow.

– Our top two sellers: the charcoal mask and the overnight peel.

– The most luxurious night cream.

– Color Intense Lipsticks (brunch is my go-to pink nude color!)

– Melting body balm. This smells beautiful is a nice way to hydrate hands with the constant hand washing.

** Everything on the site is safe for pregnancy and breastfeeding. We also have a generous 60-day return policy if for some reason you don’t like your purchase! If you place an order over $50, it’s worth it to join Band of Beauty. It’s like our version of Nordstrom Rewards or Amazon Prime. It’s $29 for the year and you get free shipping on orders over $100, 10% back in product credit, and a free gift on product purchase over $50 when you join. (It’s the charcoal mask this month!) Click here to check it out.

– Static Nails liquid glass lacquer. I’ve been using this for the last couple of months and love it! Their polish is vegan, cruelty-free, nontoxic, and also has healing ingredients, like coconut oil, rosehip oil, and green tea. It doesn’t last quite as long as the advertised “Up to 10 days!” but I find I can go about a week without extremely noticeable chipping. (I CAN’T WAIT to get dip polish again!)

– Silk hair ties. These don’t damage hair or leave a giant ponytail crease.

– A Dyson airwrap. This is a huge expense but everyone I know that has one raves about it.

– These “pack your bags” undereye patches. These are my go-to when I wake up with bags or feeling sleepy.

– A jade roller and gua sha set. I notice a huge decrease in swelling and puffiness when I use these!

– Fresh Rose Deep Hydration Set.

– A CBD gift set. CBD is saaaaaaving me right now, especially on the nights where I still feel wound up and like I won’t be able to fall asleep. The oil under my tongue instantly calms me. CBD does NOT get you high or impair you in any way, and can help to decrease inflammation in the body. It’s help a ton with my anxiety! Check it out here and enter the code FITNESSISTA for an extra 15% off. (I love the flavored oil drops!)

– This sleep mask! They’re a bit pricey but I’ve had mine for a couple of years and it’s still in great shape.

Jewelry and personalized gift ideas:

– A mantraband for a boost of hope and positivity.

– A beautiful birthstone bracelet.

– A hand-illustrated family portrait. Ughh I love this!

– A gorgeous letter necklace.

– A floral pendant necklace.

– Muud handmade earrings. This is my SIL’s (Meg’s!) new business and she makes the most gorgeous handmade clay earrings. She’ll be doing another drop on her IG page this Friday at 2pm PST, so be sure to snag some for yourself or for a gift! She’s doing some beautiful shimmery moons and rainbows.

Tasty treats + experience ideas:

– Write her a nice note/card/text message. My friend sent the sweetest supportive text message (short and sweet, like, “Hey, I know you have a lot going on, but you’re crushing it and I love you”) and it made me cry. Supportive words mean the world, especially right now with everything going on.

– A future date! Plan out something in the future for when things settle down again.

– Order brunch or dinner take-out from her favorite restaurant.

– Husbands can offer to watch the kiddos for a couple of hours so mom can nap or take a walk/drive by herself for a bit.

– Draw a bath. Tom did this for me when we were in Valdosta and it was amaaaaazing. He knew I had a hard day, so he filled up the bathtub with a bath bomb, set out a glass of champagne, strawberries, and chocolate, and lit candles. It was such a beautiful act of care and something that didn’t cost any money.

– Leave a bouquet of flowers or succulents and some chocolates on the doorstep! (Going to do this for some friends with a mini bottle of champagne.)

– Order some tasty desserts or treats from somewhere she loves!

– Daily Harvest. These have been SO incredible over the past couple of months, especially for quick and healthy breakfast and lunch options. The smoothies are my very fave, but I also love the flatbreads, bowls, soups, and overnight oats. Check it out here and enter the code FITNESSISTA for $25 off your first box.

What are you going to do for Mother’s Day this year? Any gift ideas or something that’s on your personal wish list?

xoxo

Gina

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Note: All of the above items were curated by yours truly and companies are unable to sponsor spots on my gift guides. Affiliate links are included above, which don’t impact purchase price, but enable me to earn a small kickback that I use to help keep this lil blog running. Thank you so much for supporting me and the companies who help to support our family!

The post Stay-At-Home Mother’s Day Gift Ideas appeared first on The Fitnessista.

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[whitestonetherapy]

Back to School...2 (1.10.17)

The next couple of months are going to be busier than normal for me with some large projects that I’m responsible for all happening at the same time.   This is not a complaint at all, because I prefer being busy to the alternative and a lot of my work through WhiteStone is deeply interesting and rewarding.  It does mean the weeks are flying by, and as I’d already started to outline Boarding School Syndrome (BSS) in my previous blog I wanted to complete the outline before more time passes.

Let’s get right to it and talk about some common things that are encountered in a clinical setting.  I mentioned emotional encapsulation in my previous post as a central feature of BSS.  This refers to a form of psychological splitting, where emotional vulnerability is eventually disowned by the young boarder as a defence against finding herself in a situation where this vulnerability might single her out from the pack.  This is the child’s adaptive attempt to survive in her changed environment, and can be either a gradual process or marked by a specific moment that might be recalled within therapy.  Being sent away from home is an event where many of the conditions that are associated with healthy psychological and physical development are suddenly disrupted – this includes the total and sudden loss of the family unit, familiarity (a home, a bedroom etc), pets, places, people and things – these are replaced instead by strange staff at a strange school with confusing customs and traditions, surrounded by other strangers.  This requires urgent adaptation, and the child has to abandon her biologically programmed need for attachment.

The web of relationships, into which we are born and on which we rely for healthy development, is traumatically disrupted by this experience in a number of ways.  Instead of secure attachment, which is fostered in children through attuned care-giving from parents (summarised mightily), the sudden loss of family increases the chances of the child developing an adaptive attachment style to deal with the traumatic event she has undergone.  This may involve emotional encapsulation, a dismissing style, where she learns that it is safer and much less painful to dismiss or minimize her own emotional experiences than to feel them, as she learns her needs will not be met and perhaps do not deserve to be met.  Alternatively the child may instead form an adaptive strategy that involves amplification of her need for caregivers and comfort - a kind of hyper-activation of the need to be close to others.  Instead of developing a secure attachment style marked by flexibility, a growing ability to experience herself as ‘good enough’ and a capacity to understand the emotional experience and intentionality of others, the child may instead develop strategies that shut her off from her emotions (dismissing) or lead her to become overwhelmed  by them (amplification).  In some cases she might switch between both of these adaptive strategies in what psychologists call a ‘disorganized’ way.

These adaptive patterns of being can remain with us throughout life and can run very deep.  What starts out as a survival strategy can quickly become a representational filter that limits the extent and nature of access to our own thoughts, feelings and desires.  And so adaptive patterns begin to influence and shape how we see the world, the predictions we make, how we see ourselves and others.  Much work in psychotherapy is to provide the type of reparative relationship where the flexibility I mention above is encouraged and adaptive strategies can be spotted and some of these ‘filters’ perhaps even changed. 

You’ve probably already guessed that a dismissing style is particularly common for ex-boarders.  Joy Schaverein has outlined various clinical markers for this.  Here are some examples:  problems with intimacy and difficulties being fully open and honest about feelings even with a loving spouse or family;  difficulties identifying such emotions in the first place, which may register as anger and yet mask other emotions which are hard to accurately name; difficulty talking about these things even in the safety of therapy; a tendency to make very dependent relationships but then to ‘cut off’ emotionally (either as part of a repeating pattern within relationships or permanently); difficulty creating or sustaining intimate friendships, or sustaining situations such as employment or education etc;  a tendency to be more comfortable time-tabling family life, and perhaps holding fixed views of what ‘should’ happen; a tendency to struggle dealing with vulnerability in others, (if your own vulnerability has been dissociated, it is tougher to acknowledge it in others).  Interestingly, as Duffell points out, ex-boarders in therapy may not at first recognise these things of themselves, even though their spouse or family may see these issues very clearly and indeed have encouraged their loved one to seek help.  Often these issues manifest as a depressive episode for ex-boarders, and this is a common trigger for entering therapy and eventually seeking help.

What is the psychological process that such people have gone through to get here?  What happened to them at school?  Duffell talks of a ‘privileged abandonment’ and Schaverein talks of the moment of abandonment itself.  The moment of being taken to boarding school and parents departing is a moment for which no young child can be prepared or give consent.  Many ex-boarders can remember this moment clearly, as for example I can.  Others report a sense of amnesia, a dissociation of feelings and a sense of numb shock.  As Schaverein says, this is the moment “the child becomes lost for words”.  Remember that young children need adults to give words to their experiences – particularly emotional ones -  as this is what allows children to metabolize their powerful emotional experiences and make sense of them.   This cannot now easily happen as reliance falls on a house-master who is looking after many children, and has limited experience or training in these respects.  In later years children may develop a sibling bond and take on some of these parental tasks and ‘parent’ each other, but this will not be possible for young children arriving at a boarding school. 

It can be common from this point for children to feel homesick, which is really a proxy for feelings of bereavement.  This is often a gradual process of realisation, from initial alarm, to searching behaviour (anger and guilt), then hope of rescue, then mourning, grief and feelings of internal loss.  As well as grieving, children may experience their new school as a form of captivity.  They are taken to a place they cannot leave and where all activities are regulated and time-tabled - food, clothes, work, play, censored letters, lessons, and so on.  As Schaverein says, ‘private reverie‘ is discouraged, and unsanctioned spontaneity may be frowned on.  Whether this is just an enduring extension of the Victorian idea that boarding schools are a place to ‘unmake the child and make the man’, I cannot say, but I think it’s a fair bet.  Here is a quote from a Mr Woodard, founder of my own public school, who in 1858 said the aim of the place was to, “remove the child from the noxious influence of home and home comforts”.  Hmm.

Younger children often experience a powerful and troubling internal incongruence too.  Perhaps they have been told school will be fun, possibly (these days) a little like Harry Potter, and that they will be enjoying lots of activities, and that the whole experience will be good for them – as Duffell says “the making of them”.  So the child is placed in an internal double bind.  She ‘knows’ that this is ‘good for her’, but it does not feel good.  She may also have a sense that financial sacrifices have been made so she can go to boarding school and that she is expected to be grateful… yet it does not feel good at all.  The child’s experience inwardly is at odds with what her caregivers have told her it should be… and thus she may come to experience herself as unworthy or a failure, and to doubt her own perceptions.  She may have a sense that to share these things will be deeply upsetting and that caregivers will be angry, and so she may come to feel responsible for maintaining the emotional equilibrium of her parents at a very young age .  These are things for which small children have no words and only a limited understanding, and so cannot verbalise.  The child increasingly becomes separated from a coherent narrative of her own life. 

As an adult a further double-bind is that such an upbringing is considered a ‘privilege’ and so discussion of any of these serious things can feel like a dangerous flirtation with being considered an ingrate,  fair game for ridicule rather than compassion from a society that considers them to have been born lucky.  This is common. The same process works internally too; ex-boarders may hide from themselves (and their therapist) the traumatic nature of their boarding school experience, such is their sense of shame at admitting such a ‘lucky start’ might actually have caused some problems – there can be a feeling it would be deeply ungracious, a bout of navel-gazing and quite unmanly to ‘whine’ about such things.  So as adults, ex-boarders may trivialise the tough experiences they had as young children, especially if they came to associate closely with (and attach closely to) the school in which they spent many formative years, and where some good friendships and good times were also had.  It can be hard to consider the cost at which these things have come, even when facing troubling issues later in later life.

For the young child at boarding school there follows, in time, a choice point.  Either the boarder must adapt and find a way to navigate her new environment and begin to dissociate from her need for her (now unavailable) family and home, or continue to suffer and take the chance of being singled out as a target onto which other students can project their own fears.  Eventually the child dissociates from the pain and protects a nucleated self from experiencing further trauma.   In short, she must adapt or find herself alone and singled out.  Here is emotional encapsulation. “He wears a mask and his face grows to fit it” (Orwell).  I will link to a documentary at the end of this post, where this process is shown in some detail.

Finally, the sense of loss young boarders experience is repeated many times with return trips to school over many years, and so loss is re-experienced routinely in a way that reinforces adaptive strategies.  This further crystallizes a split between the ‘survival personality’ of the boarding school self and the ‘home self’ which is fundamentally changed too.  Those suffering with BSS often report a sense of ‘no longer being known’ at home when they returned for school holidays, and so having a sense of not belonging anywhere, they had changed in ways not recognised by their parents and so were now alone here too.  Many ex-boarders remain with a sense of exile throughout their lives, a sense of non-belonging as if they are not really participating in their own life.

Nick Duffell spends a lot of time at the moment lobbying for the abolishment of boarding schools for the under-16’s.  I am not sure I would go that far.  I can think of plenty of examples where home-life may be far more troublesome than an upbringing in a good institution.  For children in their teens it is important to also begin to individuate and this seems a more natural and much less damaging time to consider this type of education.  I also think that technology such as mobile phones, and much greater emphasis on pastoral services in schools should not be ignored – it is obviously much easier to maintain a meaningful contact with children at school in recent years with phones and email, and schools have become much more sophisticated in terms of considering the wellbeing of children in their care.  That said, I want to be careful not to diminish the suffering that many will be experiencing right now who are at boarding school – an institution is absolutely no replacement for a good family - but general trends in a better direction must also be recognised. 

I’ll be coming back to this topic, no doubt, and I hope this blog is at least a useful general overview and a start point for readers who are interested to know more. 

As promised, here is the Cutting Edge documentary “Leaving Home at 8”.  It tells the story of four boarders who we meet just a few days before their departure to boarding school.

www.whitestonetherapy.com

[toddlazarski]

Discovering Alambres in Milwaukee

Shepherd Express

Beef or pork? Tripa? What about lengua? I can’t live without at least trying every chorizo presented to me. And with any decent Mexican restaurant even pollo should be on the table for discussion—hinting at the biggest problem within the greatest, highest-varietal world cuisine: What do you order when you want everything?

Anyone with the maybe embarrassing experience of eating out with me at a proper Mexican spot has probably witnessed, with some gastrointestinal wonder, or maybe a guffaw, a personal solution to the conundrum. It is what I’ve long deemed the “entree-plus” method. What you do is order, say, a torta dinner, but then, politely holding your finger up to indicate to the waitress you are not yet done with your wish list, also ask for a couple of tacos. For the side. Maybe get the shrimp diablo, and team it with a simple desebrada number. Try the bistec ranchero, but with a sidecar of cecina. Possibilities become endless, but within, the basic premise is simple: to run the meat gamut, as much as possible, exponentially increase your lipid-and-sauce variations, skip the fear of missing out, make lunch a cultural deep dive, in the process achieving your Epicurean best self, spinning life into a fete of curiosity, not restraint, and turning the table into one of those fashionably messy, rustic Bon Appetit cover photo shoots.        

But what if the answer to the ubiquitous meat question, with all the options, all the exotic-sounding proteins, is, more simply—in that annoying social media vernacular vain—“Yes, please!”  

Enter the Mexico City specialty known as the Alambre. Spanish for “wire,” the word is indeed rooted in a meat combo cooked on a skewer. But it is a shish kabob in spirit only. In the real world it exists as a single plate amalgamation, a meat party, that is actually more like a sizzling late-night drunk skillet of all the most satisfying things found in the furthest crevices of the fridge. Among the multitude varietals, the basic offering mixes steak, chopped bacon, bell peppers, onions, melty cheese. Chorizo is a common contributor as well. Ham can sometimes be considered a healthy alternative—which tells you much about the nature of the dish. Avocado is also a usual suspect. But remember, as it tells itself every morning when looking in the mirror, that is good fat. A blank slate for Fieri-level exploration when sided by tortillas and some salsa, the alambre is a vessel of a DIY taco tour through a good Mexican grocery store.  

My introduction came on 25th and Greenfield Avenue, where the sadly-shuttered El Canaveral once specialized in the plate. It is a meal that still exists like something out of Proust, the memory triggering hunger daydreams of winter nights spent hunkered over a posse of a meat pile, a craggy, cheesy sponge for their quintet of creamy salsas, each building on the last in hue, heat, and intensity. What was truly unique, in those Canaveral salad days, was I only felt the need to order one thing. One word, even, levied to the waitress, enough to hold all the Mexican meal promise one might reasonably ask for. I often bemoan the loss, wistfully ponder the empty husk of the handsome and cozy corner barroom, consider the death of all that smoking meat waft potential. But in loving pursuit of those bite memories, I set out to chronicle what remains, to capture at least a loose roadmap of Milwaukee’s best single-steaming-plate Mexican marriage of foodstuffs.    

4. Kompali Taqueria

Maybe the most telling thing about restaurateurs Karlos Soriano and Paco Villar is how little, through maybe two dozen meals, I’ve ever found wrong with either of their two spots. First, they put too much pineapple on the pastor offering at Kompali, the new taco joint. Second, as a waitress once chastised me for a request, scolding, “I only have two hands!” it seems they can’t find great help at C-Viche. That is it. Everything else—from the aji verde sauce to the pork beans to the esquite to the pisco sours to the succulent beef hearts fit for even those squeamish about, “wait, this is heart?”—feels somehow  in turns regional and personal, and like it’s been consummated with a sense of thoroughness and chile peppered-love. C-Viche is really just a couple of brunch misfires short of upholding my contention that it is maybe the most interesting, if not flat out best, restaurant in Milwaukee.

Which is to say their second, stripped down, taco and tequila-focused Brady Street replacement of Cemapazuchi is certain to deliver on the basics. And it does: from the distinctly salty, cumin-tinged, creamy tomato salsa that comes with the chips, to the smoky chipotle mayo-textured blend that comes with the tacos, it is a happy ideal of Mexican cooking that Cempazuchi only really seemed to be that one time on TV. They also personify an ideal starter alambre for the uninitiated—in prefab taco form. Diced carne asada tumbles uniformly with tender chopped ham and slightly crunchy bacon bits, everything topped with onion and bell pepper before being swathed in smooth goo queso and swaddled neatly inside a homemade tortilla. While the rest of the list here strive for something between gut burstage and a drunken munchie sate, this is a happy, reasonable start not only to an alambre tour, but to a night out. With little threat of overwhelming, without grease-bombing, with nary a worry as to not having room for more drinks, dessert. In fact maybe that’s a third complaint. Or it would be if I wasn’t so happy filling up with their housemade chorizo, the aforementioned pastor, etc.  

3. Al Pastor

Despite the nachos and burritos and ‘Stallis zip code, the menu at Al Pastor does specifically promise “Mexico City style cuisine,” and alongside the eponymous pork stuff of taco dreams and the likes of bistec en chile de arbol, the alambre is presented, simply, honestly, as a “delicious combination.”     

Thin folds of tender skirt steak, with prominent sear marks, generous seasoning and decent snap, dominant the taste swirl of the mashup plate. These are buoyed by bits of salty ham—some grilltop-blackened, some fleshy; tiny granules of charred chorizo, lending a greasy beating heart to the whole; semi-charred wedges of red and green bell peppers; and bright Oaxacan cheese, half-melted throughout, gooping and draping everything like a tangled favorite blanket. Hunks of pineapple occasionally turn up too, contrasting the saltiness, lending some sweet bright sunshine, even to a barren block of Burnham in February.

It’s a richly savory meat sludge, all aspects breaking up under fork pressure, colliding, tussling, coming together in earthy, brackish bites, steaming and begging to be patted atop lightly griddled, sturdy flour tortillas. Ratchet everything up with a surprisingly zinging fresh jalapeno salsa, or a fiery vinegar-laced, arbol-based red. It’s emblematic of when food writers, like sportwriters, feel the need for that old adage of the package being greater than the sum of the parts. How else to describe the Giannis, Middleton, Bledsoe ball movement to open-three mindflow? The roll, the collective rhythm, the push and pull, the unexpectedness, the jazz, that extra-sensory unity. Like the Bucks, the alambre might be the one seed of Mexican cuisine. A “delicious combination” indeed.   

2. La Flamita

It’s like a scene out of a movie: the know-everything writer, pushing big nerd glasses back up on the bridge of his cook-bookish nose, trying out a bit of show-off Spanish, placing a knowing order, within which to don worldliness, after which to scribe a wise pen-sermon full of clever phrases and expensive-sounding words, is stopped in his cocky tracks with a simple question— “What meat?” Yes, apparently you can improvise, personalize your alambre here at this white truck parked on 20th and National. And while such off-balance thinking has led to many problematic orders through the years, it’s clear this is a dish that could only be messed up by a vegetarian. This is the thought the man in the order window must have, half-heartedly agreeing, nodding, patiently waiting, as I audibly recite every possible roster variation that comes to mind, eventually arriving on an All-Star team of asada, pastor, and chorizo.   

This is a to-go order of homogenized harmony, everything neatly, uniformly diced, melded, a goopy white cheese center holding the whole family together with the droopy, loving arms of a domineering grandmother. Nothing gets too far away, each bite seemingly packed with equal part onion and bell pepper hunks, velvety melty queso, and, in my iteration, craggly cow and greasy pork two different ways. Ignore the rote verde salsa in lieu of a truly mean-spirited, arbol-centered sauce. It lends a bit of heated vitality, vigor throughout all that togetherness. This eye-opening feel is furthered by full exploration of the bag. That tin-foiled brick down there isn’t more tortillas. It is a steaming baked potato. Soft, starchy, you can neatly crumble it atop the meat mix, or maybe refry a bit for next-morning eggs. Either way, it’s happily sponge-like, more salsa-soaking than french fries, and turns out to be an ingenious little carb-y loaf addition to the big styrofoam protein package. It’s also another surprising glimpse of the peripatetic nature of taco trucking—the road is a mighty teacher.

1. La Guelaguetza

The most delightfully-named taqueria in the city—the truck on 15th and Burnham takes its handle from an annual indigenous cultural festival in Oaxaca—has a handy translation placard for available meats: “lengua” is “tongue,” “cabeza” is “head,” “Alambres” is… “Alambres.”  Meaning, seemingly, that there is no translation. As in, if you don’t speak the language, you won’t get it. It reminds me of a time a well-meaning prankster member of my Mexican in-law tribe tried to let me in on the ultimate Spanish cuss, the one to use if anybody is really giving you a hard time. When I asked my wife to explain what it meant, I didn’t think the translation sounded so offensive. Until, later, at one of those extended relative gatherings, when, backed into a corner, being mocked for my broken espanol, fumbling for a face-saving zinger, I let the unmentionable phrase slip in front of an abuela, a tia, and a gaggle of cousins. All eyes on me, mouths aghast in collective terror and befuddlement, with crickets suddenly echoing around the awkward silence, it was like Lenny Bruce joking about Adolf Hitler. I haven’t been invited to a family funeral since.

What can’t be lost or misconstrued in translation is taste. So if you stumble through the three-syllables, you will be rewarded with an alambre of crispy asada, tender pastor from a bulbous stationary vertical spit of seasoned pork, and bacon wedges in varying levels of doneness. The multitude meat stuffs exist in loose, pepper-inflected affiliation, messily inconsistent chops leave incongruous bites—some onion-y, some gooey, all meaty and salty and dense. Such variety is the spice of life, as they say. Which is not true. Salsa is the spice of life. And the rojo here is blood red and angrily smoky, thick enough to hold its own on the mass, spicy but short of overpowering, so that the massive container of chopped, pickled habanero and onion sitting on the counter should still be utilized. Though, in the spirit of those male enhancement drug disclaimers, maybe consult with a doctor if there is any history of heart problems. A crumbly baked papa also sits atop the two-meal mash. And by now, it feels like, why not? It’s a spongy starch addition that is better to soak it up—the debris, the salty carnage, all the messy drip of life itself. Piquant, earthy, foreign, comforting, a concentrated slop of intricacy and nuance, the whole thing is really a beautiful sense bastardization, an amalgamation that only leaves trace amounts of grease guilt.     

Sometimes saying things you don’t understand really pays off.