#i’ve been in university for 2 years and i’ve only had two modules that had anything to do with planetology

[romans-artblog]

Starting from scratch.

It’s been a while since I’ve needed to type on a computer; I used to work in an office job and use computers every day, but now I work in luxury fashion and it’s more hands on – a lot less computer usage. I used to write nearly every day when I was studying at university as well, but it’s been over a year since I graduated now.

I’ll start by introducing myself. My name is Roman, I’m 23, 5’2”, and a Scorpio. I’m from Liverpool, though my scouse accent is not that thick. I have an educational background in art and economics and studied Fine Art at university – I graduated with a 2:1. I’m predominantly a painter, inspired by the Italian renaissance and baroque periods, but in the last couple of years I have found myself experimenting with more modern styles when using art as a form of therapy, and these works seem to have a much more pop art visual inspiration. I enjoy collage and quick sketches to resolve personal feelings that I can’t just mentally work through.

While I studied Fine Art at university, during my 3-year stint in higher education I discovered that my real passion was not the practical production of artwork itself (although I do still enjoy making art when I have the time), I found that the theoretical and historical review of artworks was where I really found my groove. Every semester my grades in the ‘art history modules’, as we called them, would exceed that of the more practical courses. If I’m very honest, in my first year I thought about asking my course leader whether I could change paths and instead pursue the History of Art degree that my university provided in the same building – the course leader for that degree hosted our theoretical module lectures on a Tuesday, so I already had somewhat of a relationship with her. Ultimately, I didn’t make the change as, and looking back on this now I feel my reasoning was a foolish mistake, I had already made friends on the fine art course. I didn’t want to miss out on the social aspect of university either.

I graduated July 2022, and since then I have been working in luxury fashion, as already mentioned. I won’t go into this too much, but it was more an opportunity that fell into my lap during a desperate time rather than an active decision to go into the premium industry, and while I’ve always had a love for designer fashion, it’s not where I want to stay for the rest of my life. I plan on doing my MA soon (next year or two perhaps?) but there are no university’s that do an Art History course that I could reliably commute to everyday within the vicinity of Liverpool, so it will require me to move to a different city, and I’m not very good at dealing with change.

So, in the meantime, I’m trying to get back into the swing of writing about art – sometimes critically, sometimes just expressing my own opinion. I guess it’s just so I don’t fall out of practice. I spent 3 years and over £27,000 on my degree, I don’t want to lose the critical writing skills that I paid such a high price for. The last real piece of writing I did about art was my ‘dissertation’. I use that word rather loosely as that wasn’t what it actually was – my university ditched dissertations for the fine art course a few years before it came to me writing mine, but we still had to complete a 5,000-word essay on any topic of our choice. As my educational background before university was in art and economics, I decided to write my paper on the financial underworld of art forgeries and the ethics of selling fakes. This paper is still one of my greatest achievements if I’m honest. It was the only module in my final year that I got a first-class grade in. I’ll be posting it after this, just as a starting point.

It’s the first day of 2024, and this year I’d like to make some steps forward in my career, even if it’s just the odd post to this blog. Actually, I’m going to write a little list of goals for 2024:

Write more about art. Does NOT need to be volumes, just the odd thing here and there.

Decide whether I’d like to set up my own website for my writing (dependent on goal 1, not much point of a website if I’m only going to make 1 post a year)

Decide when and where I am going to do my master’s degree.

Become more active in the local art scene. Never let anyone tell you that there is no art up north. I made quite good friends with 2 girls on my university course who are now the new stars in the Liverpool art scene, so perhaps I should see whether they’d be responsive to me witing about their shows.

Quit smoking. Not art related but just as important all the same.

And that’s a little bit about me. Like I said in my goals, I’m not too sure how often I’ll be writing or posting. Honestly, other than doing my master’s degree, I don’t even know where to start to try and get my foot in the door of the world of writing critically about art, but I need to start somewhere, so this is better than doing nothing.

(Every post prior to this was made during my time at university - during first and second year we had to keep a blog where we made posts about our own artwork as well as visiting lecturers works. I was never good at writing about my own artwork and it was rare that I actually enjoyed the visiting lecturers works, so I never really did the blog thing successfully. I want to keep the posts up regardless, as it also gives a bit of insight into my past.)

[cmdr-h-of-the-woods]

Cmdr H of the Woods' logbook, April 3309

29 March 3309 Sirsir

What can I say other than Rings? Rings? Rings! Stopped at Mitchell Hangar to sell some exploration data I had collected. The Universal Cartographics person told me it was lucky I stopped by that day, because it was the last day of the bonus they were offering.

3 April 3309 LP 906-9

Picked up a few local delivery missions. Just a few thousand kilometres between the settlements. Orbital flight offers some really lovely views. I won’t lie, these views are a good part of why I accepted the missions.

8 April 3309 44 k Virginis

As I was scanning the system, I noticed a human signal on a planet, some 400,000 Ls away. I was intrigued, since this system is not inhabited (to my knowledge) and I was quite a way away from civilisation. I found the wreck of an SRV, in the middle of nowhere. No one around. The comms log uplink was still functional, so I retrieved the last few entries. “Why won’t the ship come back? This can’t be happening to me”. This must be the SRV pilot, finding themselves stranded and worried. Then, a notification of an incoming transmission. “Hi, Dom”, it said. “l bet you’re wondering what happened to the ship and why it’s not coming back. I wish I could tell you it wasn’t me, but that would be a lie… just like the ones you’ve been feeding me for the past two years. Enjoy the rest of your life on that dead rock you cheating snake.” … Oh.

10 April 3309 HIP 60727

Found another of those Thargoid probes, or whatever they are. What are they, and why are they here?

11 April 3309 HIP 61240

I have met Commanders who find exploration boring. "All you do is jump and scan and jump and scan", they say. I get that, but at the same time, it is oddly addictive. "One more system", I keep telling myself. "One more jump, who knows what I might find there?" And that is how I found myself here in HIP 61240, almost 400 light-years away from Sol. I’ve been collecting biological samples, including some on planets/moons where nobody had been before. It’s always a strange feeling knowing that I’m the first person in recorded history to leave my footprints there, see these sights, and log those plants.

14 April 3309 Zettel Enterprise, Itzam Nawe

Back to civilisation. This wasn't planned, but my hull and internals had sustained some damage after a bad approach, and I was not feeling comfortable going deeper into the void without getting that fixed. I had a mechanic install an AFMU on Elmwing so I don’t have to worry about minor damage again if I am far from anyone.

Saw an announcement for an SRV/SLF race taking place in Gliese 868 in 2 days. This looks like a lot of fun, so I’m going to get there and watch that.

16 April 3309 Thomson Silo, Gliese 868

A day at the races! It’s been quite fun watching the various races that took place today. There were a few explosions, but all the pilots are safe and sound. At least, I hope they are. Maybe one day I will take part in one of those races, it would be an interesting change from exploration.

20 April 3309 Laksak

Met an engineer by the name of Lei Cheung. He did some good work on my shields. I was quite grateful, so I asked if there was anything I could do in return. He said that, living on a remote base, he often had needs for materials and necessities. We made a deal that I’d get him some of that, and he’d keep working on my modules to get me even better upgrades, the kind he usually only does for his friends.

I soon realised that the 4 tonnes of cargo I have on Elmwing were not going to be enough. I mean, sure, I could put some modules in storage and add more cargo racks, but even then, it was never going to be a lot. I flew to Rotsler Station to ask the Inter Astra representative for advice. He suggested a Python, but said that, unfortunately, they did not have any in stock at the time, and, to his knowledge, the nearest station that had them was in a system 20Ly away.

So, I booked an Apex shuttle to Glauss. The pilot was a guy by the name of Doyle Jacobs. He did not seem super happy to see me, but still was professional. (Except for the part where he flew without his HUD on. Not sure that’s standard procedure.) The Inter Astra representative there said that he had been told I’d come pick up a ship and that it was already waiting for me in a hangar. Cool!

I remember when I bought Elmwing and I thought the Cobra was massive compared to my little Sidewinder. Well, this Python is… something else. I must admit, I was a little taken aback. The absence of an advanced docking computer was unexpected, but mostly, I had forgotten what it was like flying a stock ship. Tiny FSD, tiny thrusters, tiny everything (except for cargo space), I wasn’t expecting that on a bigger ship. But, I’m sure Cedarcone the Python and I will get to know each other. I’m thinking of equipping her with mining equipment when I’m done hauling goods to Trader’s Rest.

22 April 3309 Laksak

Lei told me I could come back any time and that he would give me his best upgrades. I am thinking I will also have him work on Cedarcone. I picked up a mining laser and a refinery and headed for one of the planets in this system that has some rings. I've never done any mining, except for one brief lesson a lifetime ago, with the Pilots' Federation. Getting used to a new ship and a new activity at the same time is not easy, but I did manage to collect some resources. I'm sure I will be doing more of that at some point or another.

23 April 3309 Scorpii Sector RO-R b4-1

Upon approach of body 5a, I picked up a distress beacon signal located at -81.6494° 86.8657. Found the remains of a ship, two occupied escape pods, and canisters of narcotics and personal weapons. Not sure if the escape pods contain hostages or criminals, but I picked them up and dropped them at the nearest station. If they were hostages/prisoners, they will hopefully be able to be reunited with their loved ones and be free. If they are criminals, maybe they will be brought to justice.

I’m probably going to spend the next couple of days hopping around the area, scanning plants and planets, and then either work on Cedarcone some more or get ready for another trip outside the Bubble.

[ggukkiereads]

Hello!! Just a few days ago I stumble upon your blog and I'm wondering if you have some recommendations for Hybrid AUs, much appreciated if it is an OT7 and completed, but if so I will still be so thankful. (I just need some cure from the stress that modules brings) Thank You in Advance (◍•ᴗ•◍)❤

🌷 Hello! welcome to my mini fic-reading land. I’ve actually received asks for Hybrid AUs (I pinned the requests in the navi) but I just have a very messy draft.

But to help you with your stress, I think I can share a few of my ongoing reads (sorry they won’t be complete but they’re OT7). But, I added completed ones I could remember too (●'◡'●)

*note: will edit this later and organize this per member - maybe add other fics I’ll remember*

Fic Recs | BTS Hybrid AUs

→ A Place Called Home @agustdakasuga -  OT7 x Reader

series [27/27] | 88k | Hybrid AU, Poly AU, Soulmate AU, Romance Humor | Fluff

Having saved your own injured hybrid, you were determined to try and help any other hybrid that crossed your path who needed saving. But being a vet in a small hospital wasn’t enough for you. You wanted to do more, you wanted to make a difference. You wanted to give them a home.

→  If I Can Never Give You Peace @candlewaxandp0lar0ids - Jungkook x Reader

series [3/?] | 17.6k+ | Mafia AU, Enemies to Lovers | A (so far)

It starts like quite a few stories do, in your world. Girl meets boy, who happens to be a hybrid, girl buys him at an auction where hybrids are sold, boy falls in love with her, girl gets bored of him. Then it’s not so typical anymore, when the boy ends up forced into illegal fighting rings, until he makes a wrong move and her father decides he needs to be killed.

Where does that leave you? Well, you’re the one who handled Jungkook’s fight and generally organized his life, and, when the girl’s father, your boss and mafia leader, tells you he wants him ‘put down’, you’re the one who has to get it done. Except, instead, you let him escape, and everything turns out fine.

🌷ggukkienote: I am so hooked on this (because I am a sucker for Mafia AUs too). This is such a great story and the OC is really different from the usual OCs. Very interesting.

→  Eunoia @wishesunderthestars -  OT7 x Reader

series [15/?] | 100k+ (I just assumed this, masterpost doesn’t have wc but it’s 6k per chapter or more?) | Director!Reader, hurt/comfort | fluff, eventual smut

You are a world famous director and you have dedicated your life to your job. You have everything you could ever dream of; wealth, recognision, talent, your friends and family. But loneliness ins’t cured by success. So what happens when you somehow rescue seven hybrids? Can they fill the void?

→  Restitution @cloudteawrites - OT7 x Reader

series [7/?] | 48k+ | slow burn, poly, mystery, romance

when an estranged uncle leaves you his massive fortune you wonder if the universe is playing a joke on you. when that fortune comes with seven hybrids, you know for sure that it is.

→ Lacuna @barbika1508 - Jungkook x Reader

series [42/42] | 324.3k | Hybrid AU, check for TW | Fluff, Angst, Smut

Lacuna - (n.) a blank space, a missing part

Y/N just wanted to go back home, to enjoy her peace and quiet away from problems and people. But typically, her luck strikes as she stumbles upon a horrific scene of two guys mistreating an already beaten down hybrid. Will she take matters into her own hands and help him? Or let someone else help along the way???

🌷 This is on AO3 and I got a recent ask about author’s tumblr.  So if you prefer AO3 you can check their profile

→ A Hundred Percent Human by wrienne- OT7 x Reader

series [12/?] | 88k+ | Hybrid AU, fluff, angst, smut |

In which you (reader) are forced to take care of seven hybrids in a twist of fate. Drunk and down on life, you finally decide to deal with the house and the unsavory business your mother left behind. However, to your shock, you find that seven very different hybrids are included with both the house - and the business. Seven hybrids you never even met before - even less agreed to take care of.

🌷 This is on AO3. I don’t normally reco AO3 since my blog is focused on tumblr fics but someone sent an ask about this so I’m including it

→ Inferiority Complex @starlightauroras-writes - Jimin x Reader

series [10/?] | 88k+ | political themes, themes of abuse (hybrids) | A, S

You had never liked hybrids. You disagreed with their very existence, and you never wanted to have anything to do with them. And then one day, you discovered a hybrid who was more scared of you than you were of him, and everything changed as you realised you were the only hope he had…

→ Sanctuary @chimchimsauce - Jimin x Reader

series [16/16] | 20k |  Wolf Hybrid!Jimin, Barista!OC, feat sanctuary staff Taehyung, hurt/comfort | F, A

YN is a young girl, bright and ambitious, but due to her busy schedule, she's been unable to make any real friends. When an ad for Saint Mary's Sanctuary catches her attention, she never expected her life to be changed by a certain hybrid named Jimin.

→  Summer Nights @marginalmadness - Jungkook x Reader

series [4/4] | 23k | Hybrid!Fantasy, Romance | F, S

A freak weather anomaly leads to a chance encounter with a rabbit-hybrid, and your kind nature results in you gaining a small, fluffy lodger, who questions your taste in television shows. It’s won’t be for long...will it?

→  Risk it All @/httpjeon - Jungkook x Reader

series [5/5] | 8.3k  | hybrid au, alpha wolf!jungkook | A, F, S

ripped from your family, you find yourself in a warehouse filled with predators. just your luck, you’re right across from a caged alpha wolf.

🌷 (I linked Chapter 5 because for some reason others couldn’t find this chapter so they thought it’s still incomplete)

→  Outro Love is Not Over @kiirokero - Hoseok x Reader

series [12/?] |  Daycare Teacher!Hoseok x Single Mom!Reader

You are the single mother of a beautiful 6-year-old golden retriever hybrid who you named Yunho.  But you’re a human.  You can’t show him the ropes of being a hybrid, and you can’t teach him things the other moms can.  So, when a handsome German Shepard hybrid comes into your life, helping you and guiding Yunho in a way you can’t, you can’t help the cozy home he sets up in your heart.

→  It Takes Two To Make A Thing Go Right @imaginethisbts - TaeKook x Reader

two shot [2/2] | 11k | dom/sub themes, heat cycles | S

What’s better than one dogboy lover? Two dogboy lovers. But when Tae and Jungkook seem unusually clingy, it can only mean one thing. That time of the month has snuck up on you and your dogboy lovers do not want to share.

🌷 Also try their other Jungkook hybrid series Out of the Blue

→  Peculiar Park @daydreamindollie -  OT7 x Reader

series [9/?] | 38k+ | imagines, slice of life | Writer!Reader, Psychologist!Reader, imagines | fluff

you’re a successful hybrid writer and psychologist who takes in seven hybrids on one stormy night after finding one of their pack stealing from your garden

→ Yeouiju @nomseok - Namjoon x Reader

one shot | 33.7k | Mythical AU, Hybrid AU (if you squint), suspense | A, F, S

you find an ancient stone in the middle of the mountains and bring it home with you, oblivious to the consequences of taking a dragon’s yeouiju.

→ Beautiful Stranger @/nomseok - Taehyung x Reader

one shot | 19k | circus AU | A, S, F

your dream is to take care of animals for the rest of your life in the big city, making sure that they’re cared for. but you stumble upon a malnourished, rare tiger in your local circus, and you can’t help but want to take care of him.

→ Evolution of You and I @readyplayerhobi - Jimin x Reader

one shot | 10.2k | kind of epistolary (letters), chat, childhood friends | F

For 15 years, Park Jimin has been in your life in some form. From childhood penpal’s to the closest of friends now, you can’t imagine your life without him even if you’ve never actually met him in person. It doesn’t help that you’ve fallen for him, even across the distance that separates you. But what happens when you finally meet up and you discover he’s been keeping something secret?

→  Fish are Friends @httpjeon - Taehyung x Reader

one shot | 10.2k | seahorse hybrid!taehyung | A, S, F

after moving to the seaside, there is a dreadful storm. when all is clear, a man washes up on shore…only he isn’t quite human.

🌷 you know seahorses mate for life and it’s the male that gets pregnant? Interesting huh

→  Pink Panther @gimmesumsuga - Seokjin x Reader

one shot | 13k | boss-employee | F, S

The one where your boss, Kim Seokjin, tries to show you how beautiful you are.

→  Ragdoll @ausblack - Jimin x Reader

series [17/17] | Hybrid AU, College AU | F, A

As you were studying to obtain your medical & veterinary degree, your professor came up with the idea of organizing an internship - where you found yourself side by side with a sick hybrid that needed nothing other that complete care.

→  Jagged + Catnap  @opaljm - Jimin x Reader

one shot + sequel | 18k |  jaguar/black panther!jimin, sand dune cat!reader, mutual pining, friends to lovers, established relationship (sequel)| S, F, slight A

The pretty little sand cat hybrid Jimin has been in love with for the past year experiences her first heat and Jimin would love nothing more than to be the one to guide her through it and breed her with his kittens.

🌷 there’s also a possible spin-off for Taehyung (Eye of the Tiger)

→  Owner @jessikahathaway - Jungkook x Reader

series [6/?] | 17.4k | Fake Dating AU, Hybrid AU, based on Kimi Wa Petto (Japanese anime) | F, S, A

With your mother hounding on you (no pun intended), you decided to get a little help from a hybrid, who was also in need of assistance.

→ Loving Him Was Red + Somewhere Only We Know @userseok - Jungkook x Reader

series [3/?] | 12.8k+ | enemies to lovers, childhood friends (sorta), college au, jock!jungkook, unrequited love (for OC) | S, F, A

you’ve been chasing after jungkook for years. after a harsh verbal altercation between both of you, you decide to leave him alone and pursue a relationship with someone who seems genuinely interested in you, thinking he would never return your feelings.

I would like to recommend the catalog of these writers:

@ditttiii - so I realize I’m following them on AO3 when I realized the fics looked familiar 🤭. They have an ongoing series called Enchanted to Meet You which you might want to check out if you like Soulmate AUs too! I recently reblogged a Jungkook two-shot comfort fic (hybrid au too) so I recommend going through their masterlist!

@aroseforyoongi - who I discovered because of Gossamer (KTH). It was completed but I think it’s up for re-write/re-post? You can try the others:

Navy Blue - Jungkook [completed]

Forever Yours - Yoongi [one shot, prequel to Navy Blue]

Let Me Love You- Jungkook [one shot]

@magicalsalamander - another favorite author of mine I just feel like I’m reading a great tale every time I start on a series or one shot. They have great fics with supernatural themes too

Rabbit on the Moon - Jungkook | if you’re in the mood for police officer Jungkook [6/6]

The Act of Persuasion - Seokjin | if you are in the mood for Single Dad AU x Arranged Marriage too [one shot]

Firefly that Guards the Fox - Taehyung | if you are in the mood for mystery [11/12 - just epilogue left]

Kitten’s Little Flame - Yoongi | if you like BF to Lovers between dragon and a cat [6/6]

There’s more so please check their Masterlist

@hollyhomburg - I just love Of Fire and Love (hello dragon!yoongi and baby!jungkook? 🥺) But you can check:

their masterlist of all their hybrid fics

Dance to This series which I’ve added to fic recs based on an ask about stories that include members/readers with disability.

Don’t care if it Hurts - Jimin | this is probably my favorite (again I’m a sucker for Mafia AUs) , guard dog hybrid!jimin [12/13, just epilogue]

@angelicyoongie - I got hooked after reading their stories on AO3 but they have tumblr too! Check their masterlist for ongoing hybrid fic (Abundance - OT7)  but these are completed ones:

Desolate - Yoongi, grumypy cat hybrid [14/14]

Out of the Woods - Namjoon, wolf hybrid, strangers to lovers [3/3]

@worldwidebt7 - if you like webtoons! I read parts of Jungkook’s webtoon and I think currently we’re on Yoongi’s story. Access it here

@jincherie - One of the first hybrid fics I remember encountering is Inheritance (MYG). Other fics:

Perihelion - Hoseok, college, roommate, enemies [2/?]

Butterfingers - Namjoon, teacher au, this is cuuuute READ IT if you’re looking for something fluffy [one shot]

4 o’ clock - Taehyung, single dad au (I included this in the singel dad fic recs too) [3/?]

Under the Bridge - Jungkook, found jungkook under the bridge [one shot]

@whitesparrows97 - a writer I discovered because of a Yoongi soulmate fic but I found that they also have other hybrid fics:

Cat’s Cradle - Yoongi, bestfriend [5/5]

Underdog - Taehyung, shifter, brought home what she thought a stray dog [5/5]

@foxymoxynoona - and what would my reco be without foxymoxy? So they have tumblr but their works are on AO3. I’ve listed their current works here but I didn’t include their completed works which are must-reads:

Sugar Fairy - Jungkook, mating, adopted hybrids [48/48]

A Sea of Indigo - Jungkook, ex-fighter [48/48] ⭐⭐⭐

@therealmintedmango - They have a whole masterlist of their hybrid!au fics. I recently finished Kingdom Come and I always remember Jimin from King (for some reason)

@joonbird - check their Zodiac Hybrid Masterlist of one shot per member

There are more (usually one shot per member) but I’ll probably put them in another Fic Rec List for Hybrid AUs. Sorry this list is kind of all over the place (not even organized per member 🤭). But good luck with your modules and I hope these help!

(❁´◡`❁)

[taelme]

state of grace (2/2)

genre: office!au, (somewhat)exes-to-lovers!au, brother’s best friend!Johnny, magazine advice columnist!reader, photographer!Johnny (kind of hurt/comfort elements?, fluff, angst, johnny’s very much in love with reader, reader is j going through it)  pairing/s: Johnny / Reader (ft some of the neos and some OCs!)  word count: 27k+ tw: coarse language?, some suggestive language... lmk if I missed out anything!  a/n: this is the second part to johnny’s fic! (there’s only 2 parts okay), based on state of grace but ofc not limited to that! have fun reading~ I'd love to hear what you guys think! read this on ao3

‘Subject: Update on our relationship Moony, It’s me, SSU again. The update is, I’ve been trying to be more obvious about how I feel towards the person I like, but they seem to keep needing justification for why I like them. It kind of feels like they want a proposal of all the pros and cons of our relationship before deciding to believe that I feel that way about them. But how do I even begin to explain that there’s no reason why I love them, but I just do? I talked to them the other day, and I think what’s holding them back is their fear that I’m gonna leave again. But for the life of me, I can’t seem to convince them that I’m here to stay. It’s a little harder to be myself around them too ‘cause we work together, and no one else knows about our history other than the two of us (even outside of work). It’s honestly getting a little frustrating because on one hand I want to be open about my gestures towards them, but I know they don't want people to start rumours about us, and obviously I don’t want to impose on them and their job or whatever. I’ll be honest, there’s a very big part of me that wants them to see themselves the way I see them; my sweet girl, honest, caring, loyal, hardworking, a little scatterbrained. But I know that that may be expecting too much because over the years, it seems that they started to see themself how others see them (which is this perfectly-functioning, well oiled machine that makes no mistakes whatsoever, people treat them like the terminator or something). If anything, I hope she can see herself through my eyes, see how much she deserves to be loved and cared for, and use that to return to her own perspective, to stop trying to fit herself into other people’s boxes. But I still catch a glimpse of those traits in her sometimes, they’re still there, just a little… suppressed, the part of them that wants to stop second guessing herself and just live how they want to. But at the same time, I want to learn all about the parts of them that have grown, that have evolved, that have faded, or  hardened while I was gone. I want to know and learn how to love the good and the bad, but they don’t seem to think I can. So far each time I try to create that space for them, they shut me out because they just… don’t seem to think they have the time to entertain anything other than work. I’ll keep trying, I guess. I know they probably just need more time. I don’t know where I meant to go with this, but that’s just an update.

Sincerely, Suhnny Side Up’

Chenle was having a very interesting morning.

After an enlightening morning phone conversation with Taeil, who in his half-awake daze had accidentally let it slip that living with you and Youngho was so ‘awkward’ because of all the sexual tension between the both of you (and had proceeded to hastily hang up afterwards), Chenle was determined to put his one university module’s worth of knowledge on investigative journalism to good use at the studio that morning.

“Did you see? The response to you and John’s video was insane,” he greeted you with your breakfast at the studio, sipping on his redbull as he leant against the makeup table, Yeri seated in front of the mirror as she took the liberty of touching up her makeup with the array of materials at her disposal.

“Morning,” you sighed, accepting the paper bag from him as you dumped your bag onto the chair behind Yeri’s back.

“Yeah! You know, Jaemin told me that traction on your articles spiked like crazy, too,” Yeri mumbled, her mouth pulled into an awkward shape as she fixed her mascara.

“No ‘Good Morning’? Harsh world we live in,” you muttered with a sigh, Chenle flashing you a childlike grin.

“What’s so good about it?” he giggled.

Completely ignoring your inside joke, Yeri continued, “Everybody loves your dynamic, they keep saying it’s like you guys have known each other for ages, they aren’t buying the whole ‘you guys just met’ thing.”

You grunted, warming your hands around the paper bag. The morning was extra cold today, and you wanted nothing more than to have a nice warm hot chocolate (perhaps with the marshmallows on top too) to help you brave you through the day. But of course, Chenle didn’t believe in $5 hot chocolates (or adding a $1.50 just for marshmallows) for anyone other than the intern Jisung and Taeil, so you were stuck with warming your hands with your already room-temperature croissant.

“Are the couples here already? Why is it so noisy down there?” you frowned, gesturing over the loft to the set downstairs, Chenle giving you a blank look as Yeri filled you in.

“Oh,” she laughed, “It’s probably Youngho and Wendy, apparently she’s a friend he made when he was travelling a few years ago, so they’re catching up or something.”

Wendy. You didn’t think you remembered her name in the list of couples Johnny had sent you.

“Is she pretty?” you blurted, earning a look from Chenle. 

“Do you want me to tell you you’re prettier?” he teased, making you roll your eyes.

“Forget I asked, I was just curious.”  

You huffed. Whatever. It wasn’t as if you expected him to stay single for the whole seven years, right? Even if you did (by choice).

“I thought of our Halloween costume already, by the way.”

“Who are we going as?” You grimaced, earning a laugh from Yeri.

Chenle turned to Yeri, “You, cover your ears,” he pointed a finger at her, Yeri scoffing in response.

Covering her ears, she stuck her tongue out at Chenle.

“By the way, I’m not gunning for first place this year. I’m not afraid to say I’m going as Chae Kyung from Princess Hours.”

“At first I wanted us to go as Elvira—”

“No. Next idea,” you shot back immediately, Chenle’s playful smile making your glare harden.

Rolling his eyes, he shook his head with a dejected sigh, “I knew you’d never be down for it, but it was worth a try. We’re going as Pennywise and Georgie,” Chenle grinned, “You’re Georgie, obviously.”

Your lips parted in surprise, already slightly unnerved by how accurate you figured Chenle’s costume was gonna look.

“It’s this weekend, right? Are you sure you’ll have time to get all your stuff ready?”

Rolling his eyes, Chenle gave you a dismissive wave, completely oblivious to Yeri who still had her hands over her ears, “Don’t worry. I’ve got everything covered.”

“Anyway, there’s two couples here already, they’re waiting for one more,” Chenle informed, crushing the empty paper bag and setting it on the table, making Yeri scrunch her nose in distaste, removing her hands from her ears after you gave her the go-ahead.

Rolling your shoulders back, you nodded, “Right. Okay.” You could do this. Professional, you reminded yourself.

You thanked the heavens that Chenle hadn’t told you you were prettier than Wendy, because you were sure you wouldn’t have believed him. Perhaps, you were also a little pleasantly surprised that Wendy was here with her girlfriend of eight years.

“Hey, you’re here,” Johnny smiled, pointing his little camera at you, giggling at the look of disdain you gave him, pulling you by your arm to introduce you to the three pairs of couples you were interviewing today for your video about ‘Exes who got back together’.

“Nice to finally meet you, Y/N,” Wendy smiled, the knowing look she exchanged with Johnny unnerving you to no end. Dismissing it quickly, you were momentarily distracted by Wendy’s girlfriend who asked if there was still coffee left.

“John bought enough for all of us so there should be one cup left, if I remember correctly,” she hummed, waving at Yeri who was standing by the table.

“Yeri, can you help me check if that’s empty?”

Picking up the cup, Yeri brought it closer to her face and sniffed, frowning.

“This isn’t coffee,” she called out.

Johnny’s head whipped around to source the commotion, spotting Wendy’s girlfriend walk over to Yeri to inspect the cup.

“I think it’s hot chocolate,” Yeri hummed, “D’you mind?”

“No!” Johnny protested, his little camera pointed at the floor now as he walked over to the table, snatching the cup from Yeri like a little child, “The hot chocolate is Y/N’s.”

Mine?

Wordlessly accepting the cup from Johnny, you missed the way Chenle was watching with an all-too-knowing smile on his face.

“Sorry! I took the last coffee,” he admitted a little belatedly (frankly not sounding sorry at all), having gotten too distracted observing you and Johnny.

Taking a sip, your eyes widened in surprise. $1.50 for added marshmallows.

“Is it good? I know it’s not the best but I told them to add more marshmallows ‘cause… yeah,” Johnny murmured as you made your way to the camera, adjusting his cap that he wore backwards on his head, looking almost nervous. Another olive branch, perhaps?

You could almost picture it, that one Christmas he’d spent at yours and Taeil’s house, insisting that he’d make you a hot chocolate that you couldn’t get anywhere else, even going to the extent of trying to add different brands of chocolate to trying premium cocoa powder to fixing the perfect drink to marshmallow ratio and perfecting the temperature just to make a drink he proclaimed was so unique and so special just because it was made with love by your ‘one and only, Johnny’.  

You blinked harshly, blaming it on the steam from the cup as you shook your head, mustering a small smile.

“No, yeah. It’s… enough.”

He gave you a tight-lipped smile, setting his little camera down on the stool next to him as you took your seat.

The other interviews had gone by like a breeze.

Wendy’s on the other hand… was a little more... interesting.

“Why did you get back together?” You asked, inviting either her or her girlfriend to answer.

“Well, honestly,” Wendy cleared her throat softly, “John already knows this story but when we were on a break, I was really having a tough time at work… there were a lot of ugly rumours floating around and you know how things are in the music industry, gossip spreads and whether you like it or not your gigs get affected based on if people are willing to take that risk of presenting an artist with such a… rep.”

“But when I met her again… it was like she still saw me for the truth of who I was even though everyone was telling her all sorts of things about me. She chose to believe in me, instead of what people were saying. And that was kind of how I knew, like, ‘hey, she loves me for me, and that’s not easy to find.’”

Johnny perked up, “Oh my God!,” he clapped his hands together, eyes widening, “Oh my god, there’s a song that’s exactly like that but I forgot what it’s called.”

You shot him a look, eyebrows raising as he began to hum.

“... for the best, my reputation’s never been worse so, you must like me for me,” he groaned, “what is that song!”

Wendy and her girlfriend had simply frowned, not recognizing it when you’d huffed, something in your brain seemed to click as the song had automatically played in your head.

“Delicate,” you supplied.

“Yes! Delicate!” he scrunched his eyes shut, smiling wildly, “Damn, we have a Taylor Swift fan over here,” he added, teasing lilt to his tone.

Rolling your eyes, a small smile lingered on your face as you turned back to Wendy, “So you guys just… got back together?”

“No shit, they did,” Johnny huffed in amusement, scratching at his collarbone under the neck of his sweater, earning an annoyed huff from you.

Wendy nodded, “It was like… beginning again but not, at the same time.”

“Like re-learning about each other,” her girlfriend added.

Humming, you couldn’t help but blurt, “You weren’t scared?”

“What is there to be scared of?” Wendy smiled, somehow making you feel like you were the one being interviewed now.

Your eyes widened, immediately assuming a defensive stance, practically fumbling over your words.

“A lot of things, I mean. There’s the fear of getting hurt again, the fear that you’ll disappoint them, the fear of getting your expectations too high and getting disappointed...” you trailed off, suddenly feeling embarrassed that you’d let yourself get carried away like that, the look that Johnny was giving you not going unnoticed by Wendy.

“Woah, you sound like you’ve gone through hell with your ex,” Wendy’s girlfriend had remarked, laughing.

Your lips parted, shaking your head in dismissal.

“No, no, you know. I mean, after all, I do write for an advice column and… I see these fears in relationships all the time,” you hoped that was believable enough, though from the way Johnny was still looking at you, you knew it hadn’t convinced him.

“Honestly?” Wendy spoke, “Of course there were fears, but… I don’t know. For me, most of these fears are just a result of me getting too in my head about it. It sounds kind of cheesy but at the end of the day, there was just this feeling in my gut that it was right, like… what I felt most aligned with.”

Her girlfriend seemed to have agreed (and rather wholeheartedly, at that), nodding profusely, “Yeah, yeah! It’s like, the fears came from the outside, all the trying to justify why I was choosing Wendy even despite what everyone was saying. But there’s no specific reason that made me kind of go ‘Oh, I love her because of this’, it was just a ‘Oh, I love her’,” she smiled, “Your intuition, your feelings, it’s just… something you know others can’t decide for you or try to rationalise for you.”

Johnny hummed, “I totally agree.”

You nodded slowly, “That’s…” you hummed, nodding, not being able to find words that properly encompassed what you were feeling.

“Right, next question.”

===

“Do you want to take a look at the footage together? We can decide what we wanna keep and edit out before sending it to the editing team,” Johnny suggested after almost everyone had streamed out of the studio, just leaving the two of you and Wendy, who was waiting for her girlfriend to come by with their car.

Giving you one side of his wired earpiece (maybe as a way to get you to sit closer to him), you sat next to him at his desk on the loft of the studio, letting him transfer the footage to the big iMac on his desk as you bid Wendy goodbye.

“How do uh… how do you guys know each other?” you mumbled.

“Sorry, what?” he leaned his head down so he could hear you better, the smell of coffee and his proximity overwhelming you.

“No, I was just asking how you know Wendy,” you repeated, louder this time.

His lips forming an ‘o’ shape in realisation, “Oh. We met when I was in Austria, she was there on a trip with her girlfriend.”

“You were in Austria?” your lips parted in surprise.

You’d always wanted to visit Austria, but it’d always seemed like a dream you were saving, for some reason.

He nodded, a hint of a smile on his lips as he turned to look at you.

“It was really beautiful. The whole time I was there I just couldn’t stop thinking about how much you would love it,” he admitted, rapidly clicking around and typing on the keyboard, making you wonder for a moment how he was multitasking with the footage so seamlessly.

“Did you go to the Christmas markets?”

Johnny smirked, eyes practically glinting with mischief at an opportunity to tease you, “Someone’s been doing their research, huh?”

You rolled your eyes, not being able to help the embarrassed smile on your face, “I mean, I’ve always wanted to go there… people always tell me it’s extra nice during Christmas.”

He nodded, “It is. But, of course, it’s important to have a good guide to go with you and show you around too. The tour guides’ll only bring you to the touristy places. You need someone that knows the local spots.”

You raised an eyebrow in question, “Do you have any contacts?”

Johnny scoffed, feigning offence.

“You’re looking at the best guide you could possibly find. And even better, you won’t even have to pay me a single cent,” he emphasised with wide eyes, though you couldn’t help but furrow your eyebrows, eyes narrowing slightly.

You could imagine yourself harshly pulling your heart back down to earth, the outside voice in your head echoing loudly in your mind. Don’t get too carried away. He could just be saying that because you’re Taeil’s sister.

“That makes no sense, you don’t get anything out of it,” you huffed.

Johnny frowned, looking genuinely upset with the way his smile fell, hands halting over the keyboard. Turning to face you, he sighed.

“Why do you think I’d only do it if I’m gaining something out of it? You’re not my business partner, Y/N,” his tone was firm, urgent.

You huffed, turning your gaze back to the computer screen.

“Yeah, you’re right. I’m not your business partner, I’m your best friend’s sis—”

“No,” he said, even firmer, almost frustrated, “Look at me.”

You had no choice but to comply, meeting his gaze with your hesitant eyes.

“Taeil has nothing to do with it. I said I’d do it for you. Not ‘I’d do it for Taeil’s sister’, but that I’d do it for you.” my sweet girl, he would’ve said, but stopped himself before he could.

For now, all bets were off.

You felt paralysed under his stare, as if he was desperate for you to understand his words.

“There's no reason why,” he insisted, and from the sound of his tone, you couldn’t bring yourself to doubt his sincerity, “just the fact that I want to share that experience with you.”

You swallowed, throat feeling dry as you felt a lump start to form, turning back to the computer screen, rolling your shoulders back.

“How long were you there?” you continued, seeing him pause before turning back to face the computer, taking a deep breath as he furrowed his eyebrows in thought.

“About a year?” You saw the video on the screen, surrounded by the different functions and editing tools, “Yeah, it was about a year before my dad got posted to France and we spent another two years there.”

You purse your lips, nodding, “Must’ve been hard moving around so much.”

He pressed his lips into a firm line, nodding, a certain nostalgia in his tone.

“I mean, yeah, It was all beautiful. I know how lucky I am to even have been to all those places but… I don’t know,” he shrugged, “couldn’t really enjoy it ‘cause I was too busy worrying about my mom… and I was homesick most of the time.”

You huffed, “That’s funny, you always said you hated our town.”

Your smile faltered when you met his gaze, serious and holding a million different thoughts behind them.  

“I did, didn’t I?” he murmured, just the slightest of smiles on his face, “but you know, you can be homesick for more than just a place.”

You shut up at that, turning your gaze back to the screen, gesturing for him to start playing the video.

Something about being around Johnny had made you feel like it was alright to not worry about how straight your posture was, or whether your hair was messy, or the language you used. Being in the studio with just Johnny, only needing to worry about the editing, something about it felt comfortable. The kind of comfort you would feel if this was your everyday routine, like how you’d felt that day watching him make your bed, or how you felt when he’d made you a mug of tea, or draped a blanket over you when he saw you trying to get some shut-eye on the sofa.

It felt foreign, to feel so at ease. The only times you found yourself feeling like this for as long as you could remember was during mealtimes or when you were watching shows before you slept. You couldn’t remember the last time this feeling of ease in you had been induced by somebody’s presence.

As crazy as it seemed to you, Johnny’s presence was enough for you to let your guard down without you thinking too much. It was as if your body just recognized his familiarity, telling you it was alright to relax because he knew you (more than you were willing to admit), and never held that against you or over your head.

Staring at the screen for so long, Johnny noticed the way you’d bring your hand up to press or rub at your eyes every now and then, “do you wanna take a break? I can continue editing on my own.”

Before you could even think of protesting, he added, “Just so you know, I’m not really asking. Take a break.”

Strangely enough, you didn’t refuse this time.

Making your way to the small sofa a few paces behind his desk, you sat yourself down on the sofa, pulling your laptop out to check your emails, spotting one from Mrs Kang talking about how pleased she was with yours and Johnny’s video.

Yawning every now and then, you heard Johnny let out a giggle when you were already halfway through working on your reply.

“Seriously, take a nap,” he laughed, “the sofa’s more comfortable than it looks.”

You shook your head, another yawn leaving you in spite of yourself, stretching your neck as you tilted your head from side to side.

“I’ll have you know,” you sighed, slumping down further in your seat, “never in my five years of working here have I ever napped in the office.”

“There’s a first time for everything,” Johnny sing-songed.

“Stop tempting me, I really need to get some work done,” you waved him off in dismissal, seeing him turn back to his computer with a little ‘if you insist’.

But like you said, perhaps something had shifted during your conversation with Johnny, your body comfortable enough to not fight yourself when it decided you were too tired to keep working, falling asleep with your laptop on your thighs and your head resting uncomfortably on the back of the sofa.

Johnny, trying his best to stifle his smile, took the liberty of removing your laptop from under your hands, saving the document you were working on and tucking an arm under your legs to shift your body, his other arm supporting your back as he got you into a more comfortable position, letting you use his fluffy jacket as a pillow.

And so you slept, the texts and emails coming into your devices going ignored, and when Chenle decided he’d better take action after his five missed calls to you had gone unanswered, noisily climbed up to Johnny’s studio loft only to receive a glare from Johnny and take in the shocking sight of you sleeping peacefully behind Johnny as he worked, he knew it was different, but he also knew it was good, so he didn’t say a word.

===

“Who are you supposed to be?” Kun laughed, catching you at a bad time when you were trying hard to get your red helium balloon down from the ceiling, having forgotten it wasn’t tied to your hand when you’d set your drink down on the table.

Groaning, you gestured to the bright yellow raincoat you were wearing, the hood that was draped over your head.

“Isn’t it obvious? I’m Georgie.”

Kun frowned, looking rather amusing with his eyebrows furrowed in his no-face makeup, “Geor…gie?”

“The kid’s little brother that Pennywise ate.”

Realisation flashed in Kun’s eyes, his mouth forming an ‘o’ as a hum of understanding left him. “Got it. Saw ‘Pennywise’ staring at me in the bathroom mirror just now and nearly passed out.”

“That makes sense. I was wondering what was taking him so long to come back,” you sighed, casting another wistful glance at your balloon.

“Wanna just go to the ballroom first? I don’t think he’ll be done scaring people anytime soon,” Kun’s suggestion earned a pout from you, gesturing to your balloon that was still sticking close to the ceiling.

“Sorry, but my costume doesn’t really allow for much movement at the moment. Bid your last farewell to your balloon, let’s go.”

Sighing, you muttered, “Chenle’s gonna nag my ear off,” you followed Kun out of the little lounge of sorts, the green rain boots you were wearing making odd rubbery sounds against the marbled floors as you headed through the hotel your magazine was using as the venue for their annual Halloween Dinner Party.  

Chenle had joined you at your assigned seats not long after, visibly dismayed at your lack of a balloon.

“Hello?” He practically yelled, “I paid seven bucks for that balloon. And it’s a crucial element to your costume! Now people are just gonna think you’re Paddington Bear,” he whined.

You scoffed, slumping down onto your seat, checking the nameplate in front of your cutlery just to make sure you were at the right seat.

“And it’s my fault you let yourself get scammed into paying that much for a single balloon?”

“Yeah, gotta admit, you could’ve gotten it for half a dollar,” Kun sucked in a sharp breath.  

“You guys just can’t appreciate the quality of my costumes. Where’d you lose it?” He asked, looking almost determined to set out to find it the moment you disclosed its location.

“It’s in the—” you stopped yourself short at the sight of the ballroom doors opening to reveal Johnny, clad in a black shirt and jeans, leather jacket to match, your red balloon in his hands, “there.”

Kun’s eyes followed the direction of your gaze, clasping his hands together in delight, “There’s your seven dollars.”  

Chenle continued to watch you curiously, gaze intently switching its focus between you and Johnny who walked through the room, towering over everyone else as he headed over to where you guys were seated.

“Were you two together before this?” Chenle couldn’t help the mischief in his smile, implication heavily laden in his tone.

Kun’s eyes widened, giving a distracted wave to Jaemin who’d just arrived and was taking his seat in between Kun and Chenle.

“What’s going on?”

“Something exciting, I hope,” Kun murmured.

You shook your head in response to Chenle’s question, “No, we weren’t. I haven’t seen him at all the whole day.”

“I’m guessing this belongs to you?” Johnny drawled, reaching his hand with the balloon towards you, your face feeling warm from all the embarrassment that coursed through you at the whispers and speculative looks you were getting, trying to fumble around with the string that he’d so tightly looped around his fingers.

You hated the way Chenle looked at you when Johnny had taken the liberty of tying the string to your chair himself after you got fed up with your fumbling.

“I swear we weren’t,” you whispered harshly, “stop looking at me like that.”

As if that wasn’t bad enough, Johnny took a seat next to you, completely ignoring the little nameplate that read Yeri’s name in front of his set of cutlery, sighing as he shifted in his seat to get himself comfortable.

“It’s assigned seating, you know,” you told him pointedly, glancing briefly at Kun who was still looking on eagerly for insight on why Chenle seemed as if he‘d just received a new piece of hot gossip.

Johnny glanced at the name plate, turning back to you with a shrug, “Yeri won’t mind.”

“Who are you, anyway?” You did a once-over of his outfit (maybe it wasn’t ‘once’, you didn’t seem to have much control over your eyes with how good he looked in this considerably normal outfit), his hair left messily styled, slightly wavier than usual, sticking out where it was longer at the nape of his neck.

“Need a clue?” he grinned, baring his (rather real looking) fangs, making you frown.

Chenle practically screamed, “Edward Cullen?”

Johnny scoffed, “No. Try again. You’re close.”

“Are there that many pop culture vampires?” Kun frowned, turning to greet Yeri who had arrived in a very elaborate costume that had you wondering how much money and effort the staff here put into their costumes.

“Okay. No-face, Pennywise, Georgie… the Divergent guy?” Yeri listed out, frowning when she reached Johnny, the latter’s dismay deepening.

“C’mon, try harder, Yeri. Four didn’t have as much hair as I do,” he scoffed, turning to you with a knowing smirk, “Y/N, you definitely know this. You had a huge crush on him.”

That’s ironic. You almost laughed.

Chenle hummed, trying to withhold his comments after that day he spotted you napping in Johnny’s studio after Taeil’s little slip-up, “No one knows Y/N’s crushes better than I do,” he narrowed his eyes at Johnny in suspicion.

Kun frowned, thinking out loud, “Vampire…”

Your eyes widened, scoffing in disbelief as realisation hit you, “Oh my God, you’re Damon Salvatore aren’t you?”

Hums and ‘ahh’s of understanding resounded around the table, Johnny leaning forward to pick up his glass of water, taking a nonchalant sip and shrugging.

“Told you Y/N knows.”

You narrowed your eyes at him, pretending to bend over to adjust your chair’s position so you could remind him, “Remember, there’s no normal reason why you would know this.”

As if overhearing you, Chenle scoffed in offence, his pennywise makeup making you feel even more like you shouldn’t be offending him, “I had no idea you liked him, how’d he know before me?”

Maybe if you knew that was Chenle’s way of planting a mine right before you and Johnny’s feet, you wouldn’t have been so caught off guard. Johnny however, was calm and collected as always.

Johnny shrugged, calmly lying through his teeth, “Taeil and I are friends from college. Apparently, Y/N here had many little crushes back then.”

You huffed, meeting eyes with the waiter who was making his way to your table with what you hoped was a promise of drinks. Unfortunately for you, Chenle didn’t let you off the hook quite yet.

“Oh, so the both of you knew each other?” he carefully planted another mine, and you kept your gaze on the waiter so he wouldn’t see you falter.

“Vaguely,” Johnny supplied, “We knew of each other, right, Y/N?”

You waved him off, trying your best to remain as nonchalant as possible, “Yeah, whatever.”

Placing your orders respectively, along with the choice of meal, you watched as the Emcees had taken their place on the stage, highlighting the various costumes they saw just to engage the audience.

Chenle had left the table not long after, very proudly showing off his Pennywise costume to the audience as the waiter had arrived, being held hostage by Johnny who insisted that you should try the red wine on his behalf since he wasn’t drinking tonight, making you nudge him.

“Fine, shut up, Johnny. I’ll try it later.”

“Oh yeah, I wanted to ask. How come you call him Johnny?” Jaemin asked, earning a wide eyed look from you.

“Huh? Oh… no reason, it’s just a nickname, I guess. My brother calls him that so I just got used to it,” you attempted to brush it off, Johnny nodding along with you.

“Right…” Jaemin huffed awkwardly, taking a sip of water as Yeri pressed her lips into a firm line, averting her gaze, brushing off the strange tension with a laugh.

“So, can I call you Johnny too?” Yeri teased, making Johnny shoot her a look.

“For you…” he pretended to be deep in thought, “‘Mr Seo Youngho’ will suffice.”

Now that there was an empty seat between you and Jaemin, you spent most of the dinner party talking to him, not wanting to slip up if you were to talk to Johnny. Though Johnny would still insert a little comment every now and then that would render Jaemin flustered and leave you rather annoyed.

You figured you had no more reason to be annoyed when Johnny had entered into his own conversation with Yeri and Kun, but your annoyance didn’t seem to disappear as you heard him laughing and joking with Yeri in a way that made your attention waver from Jaemin every now and then, feeling apologetic that you couldn’t give him your full attention while talking to him, especially since you were talking about work. You couldn’t help it, you just wanted to know what they were so intently conversing about.

“Honestly, I really admired you when I read your old stuff for Ask Moony,” Jaemin admitted, his wording making your eyebrows furrow slightly.

“Admired… past tense?” you couldn’t help but ask, feeling as if you were a michelin chef getting told he’d just served a bad dish.

Jaemin’s eyes widened as he sipped his wine, setting his glass back down on the table as he shook his head, “No, no. Don’t get me wrong. Your newer stuff from last year and this year was great, too…”

You grimaced, “I feel like there’s a ‘but’ coming soon.”

Jaemin nodded, expression sheepish, “But… I don’t know. I mean, after a while it started sounding a little more… textbook,” his eyes were sincere, his tone wary as if he were treading on thin ice, “Which I completely understand, ‘cause you have to deal with a lot of different people in your audience, but… I don’t know, it was just different. More… controlled? If that makes sense.”

You hummed, nodding slowly as you processed his words.

“Not as engaging?” you frowned.

Jaemin sighed, shaking his head as he gave you a small smile.

“No, no. Engaging, yes, they’re engaging. But… connected…? ” he pressed his lips into a firm line.

Connected? You thought you were making progress with your recent articles, trying to reconnect on a deeper level with yourself and your audience. Were they not picking up on that?

“I'm trying to work on that,” you felt the need to clarify, a last ditch attempt at defending yourself.

Your attention was diverted by the cheers that erupted in the room, Chenle busy celebrating on stage with a dance as Pennywise as he just got awarded ‘Best Costume’.

Sitting back in your seat with a pensive look on your face, you spent the rest of your meal in silence, Jaemin seeming to have sensed that you weren’t in the mood to talk anymore. So you sat, your open book of a self oblivious to the concerned glances Johnny would cast your way every now and then.

By the end of the main course, you’d wanted nothing more than to go home, letting Chenle have your dessert now that your appetite was gone, Johnny managing to extend a casual offer to drive you home ‘since you lived near each other’.

Bidding goodbye to the others, you continued on your silent walk to the open carpark, Johnny still giving you curious looks as he opened the passenger door to his black Sedan for you to enter.

Waiting for him to take his seat in the driver’s side, you pursed your lips, fiddling with the yellow raincoat you’d taken off and bunched up in your lap, trying to think of ways to make your writing more authentic and personal. More ‘connected’. Because if Jaemin didn’t make it obvious enough by now, your trying simply wasn’t enough.

“Did something happen?” Johnny asked after he’d linked his playlist to the car, an old coldplay song echoing in the car as he started the engine, “you‘re upset.”

Like you said, Johnny read you like a book, recognising the feel of the pages without even having to look at it.

Brushing it off, you shook your head, mustering a small hum.

Looking around for a distraction, you spotted the all-too-familiar teddy bear keychain hanging from his rearview mirror as he started to drive. Jerry, you remember how he named it. the simple reason being that that was what he got after trying to combine ‘Johnny’ and ‘bear’.

“Was this always here?” you murmured, not missing the way he lowered the volume of whatever song he was playing.

“... Yeah,” his tone was soft, gentle as he reached out to touch the teddy bear, “.... kept me in good company.”

“Didn’t think it’d have lasted so long,” you huffed.

Johnny simply smiled.

“I took very good care of it, just so you know,” he told you proudly, like he was showing you the orchid plant he’d managed to keep alive for more than a year.

“Do you wanna like… go for a drive? See the Christmas lights or something?” he asked, your small hum giving him the greenlight to take a completely different route, driving down a long stretch of road and shops where there were a multitude of Christmas displays, gigantic Christmas trees and people out and about.

“Why’d you wanna see the lights all of a sudden?” you asked. If you knew Johnny as well as you thought you did, you knew he hated getting stuck in traffic. Which was why his sheer willingness to drive into it was a surprise, to say the least.

“No reason, just… felt like it,” he shrugged as he pulled to a stop at a traffic light, removing his jacket and folding it into a makeshift pillow.

Reaching over to tuck the jacket between you and the window next to your head, he hummed, “Here, rest your head.”

Obliging just so he wouldn’t nag, you leaned your head against the jacket, the smell of his perfume and him somehow making your heart stir.

Your phone chimed with a text.

Moon Tael 10:24pm - are you hitching a ride back with johnny?- 10:24pm - u shld ask him if u didnt- 10:24pm - i had drinks so I can’t pick you up- 10:24pm - btw yuta gave us a bottle of wine if u and johnny r interested-

You pressed your lips into a firm line, Johnny glancing briefly at you as if he were trying to read your texts.

“Who’s that?”

“Taeil,” you sighed, “He said Yuta gave us some wine.”

Johnny’s eyebrows raised, a hum of pleasant surprise leaving him, “Sounds great but… I think you’ve had enough wine for one night.”

You huffed.

“I don’t know why he would’ve thought we’d still wanna drink after a dinner party,” you yawned, frowning when a little thought had popped into your head. These days it was almost as if Taeil was encouraging you to spend time with Johnny.

You didn’t think Johnny would’ve told Taeil about the two of you… surely Taeil would’ve made it more obvious if he knew, right?

The light turned green, Johnny beginning to drive.

“Johnny?”

“Hmm?”

“You tell Taeil everything, right?”

He huffed, amusement evident in his smile, “Well, yeah. Pretty much.”

Your frown deepened, “Did you ever tell Taeil about… you know, what we did?”

“Oh.”

Johnny adjusted his grip on the steering wheel, letting go with one hand and letting it fall into his lap, shaking his head.

“No,” his reply was simple, but the weight it carried was beyond words.

“Why not?”

“Well… well, because he’s Taeil. He’s my best friend and… like you said, I tell him everything. He knew about my… habits,” he told you pointedly, “I mean, of course I trust him and love him but… he’s very protective over you. I mean, he didn’t even approve of Taeyong dating you, and everyone knows Taeyong’s an angel.”

“Wait,” you frowned, “Taeyong?”

Johnny let out a grunt, almost sounding sulky as he nodded, “Yeah, he thought you were cute when we were at your house for Taeil’s birthday party but Taeil shut it down as soon as he found out.”

You pursed your lips, poorly stifling your amusement at picturing Taeil trying to be firm.

“So, you were scared?” your eyebrows raised, a teasing lilt to your tone, “Johnny Seo? Scared of tiny Moon Taeil?”

Johnny shot you a look, not being able to fight the smile from his face as he reached over to muss up your hair, the gesture sending warmth to your face and your heart picking up speed.

“Hard to believe, I know,” he rolled his eyes, “but honestly? I wasn’t exactly scared of how he’d react… I was just worried about whether he’d think I was good enough for you because, well, I didn’t.”

“You didn’t?”

“Back then,” he clarified.

“That’s ridiculous,” You snorted, making Johnny frown, “if anything, I didn’t think I was good enough for you.”

“Y/N, you really don’t give yourself enough credit. You being you was the very reason I—” he stopped himself, letting out a small sigh.

He was usually extremely straightforward with his feelings, but somehow whenever it came to you, he wanted to follow your pace, afraid to ruin things if he let himself get ahead of the both of you. Things were a lot more delicate now than they were in the past, but though it was different, Johnny knew the change of pace was very much needed. It was good.

“... weren’t you scared?” he asked, shifting in his seat slightly.

You shook your head, “I was… very.” Perhaps you still were, but for different reasons than before.

A small silence ensued, Johnny inhaling deeply.

“Like I said. That was how I saw us back then. But not now,” he told you, the car beginning to move again with the rest of the traffic, Johnny and you sitting in silence as the song echoed loudly in the car.

“It’s different now?”

Johnny let out a breath he didn’t realise he was holding. The traffic light turned red.

“Of course it is,” he murmured.

You were reminded of what Jaemin had told you during the dinner party, wondering if part of that reason why Johnny felt differently now was because he couldn’t connect to you now like how he could back then. Either way, it wasn’t like you were letting him.  

“Of course,” you echoed softly.

“Penny for your thoughts?” He offered, making you huff.

“They’re worth much more than a penny.”

Johnny smiled, turning to you, reaching a hand out to pluck a hair from your sleeve and toss it elsewhere.

“Name your price. I’ll double it.”

You sighed, shaking your head, fixing your gaze out the window, not trusting your eyes to withhold all you were feeling. You took your chance when the traffic light turned green.

“Do you think I’m out of touch with myself?”

Johnny’s eyebrows furrowed, lips parting slightly, “Who told you that?”

Shaking your head, you attempted to lie, “No, no one did.”

“What did they say?” he insisted, somehow being able to see through your dismissiveness. Like Taeil said, you were never good at lying, especially not to Johnny.

You huffed, annoyed at how he seemed to have a heightened intuition when it came to matters concerning you.

“What makes you so sure anyone said anything?”

Johnny’s tone was skeptical, “Can you honestly tell me they didn’t?... You tend to take what people say about you a lot more seriously these days.”

Your silence spoke for itself, not knowing how to answer him as you averted your gaze to your raincoat, your head still pressed against his jacket.

“Fine. I was talking to Jaemin just now, and he was saying that my recent stuff for ‘Ask Moony’ was controlled… like, he basically said I wasn’t as connected to my readers as I used to be when I started out… and I guess he’s not wrong because I do feel… different writing for ‘Ask Moony’ now compared to when I first started out. And not in a very good way.”

You turned to look at him “… but doesn’t that mean he’s right? And he should know better than me, right? Since he’s the one doing all the analytics and shit. Maybe the reason why I've been putting out sub-par articles and I’m not as connected with my readers is because I don’t feel connected to myself. I mean, don’t you think I’m different from how I was?”

Johnny shook his head, “You are different from how you were.”

You huffed, “Precisely, I’m out of touch. But it’s not like I haven’t been trying,” you felt a sourness take over your, your face beginning to feel warm and your throat feeling closed, “It’s not like I’m not trying to get back to how I was.”

You wondered, just for a moment, why Johnny always managed to make you feel more willing to be vulnerable than anyone else had in so long. With him, you couldn’t hide, not like everyone else had been allowing you to.

Surprising you with the little huff of laughter that left him, you watched as he came to a stop at the traffic light, the glow of the streetlamp casting warped shadows on the dashboard.

“Sweetheart,” he began, the gentleness of his tone making your tears rush to brim at your eyes, “of course, you’re different now. You can’t expect yourself to be the same person as you were seven years ago. And for the record, I don’t expect that either.”

About to cut in, he continued, “But if you’re asking me? You’re not… ‘out of touch’ with yourself. You’ve just been looking at yourself through someone else’s lens and… well, forcing yourself to be that version you see.”

The light turned green.

You let a small silence fall between the two of you, thankful for Johnny’s words, even though they were a lot to process.

You’d barely noticed you were crying until he’d parked under his apartment building, turning the engine off and looking at you with that same look he wore whenever you cried.

“There’s something else, isn’t there?” Johnny asked gently. In his time here, he was sure he’d seen you cry more times than he’d ever seen before. Somehow, each time felt as heartbreaking as the first.

Your jaw was clenched so tight it felt as though you would shatter any second. You removed his jacket from under your head, setting it down into your lap, your hand wanting to hold onto the fabric but fingers feeling too weak to do so.

Your rational mind was telling you it was too soon, a mistake to be letting down your guard, even if it were just for a moment. But your heart (foolish or wise, maybe both) was telling you to listen to what it wanted for once.

“I’m sorry,” you murmured, breath caught in your throat, inhaling, its shakiness made you feel even more pathetic.

“What’s there to be sorry for?” Johnny frowned, shifting in his seat to look at you.

You shook your head, lip quivering which made you press your lips together in a tight line.

“A lot of things,” you murmured, vision blurry as you stared at a blur of colour on his shirt, another tear slipping from your eyes which you brought your hand up to wipe away roughly, “sorry for being rude to you since you came back. I didn’t mean it.”

Your eyebrows furrowed, your voice sounded pained, “I’m sorry if it hurt you… or if it,” you let out a painful sigh, your chest starting to ache, “made you feel like I didn’t care if you were here or not. Because that’s not true, I’m… I’m so thankful that you’re here.”

Your hands shook as you brought them up to your eyes, pressing your palms against your closed eyes as though it would stop your tears from flowing.

“It’s alright. I know you needed time to process everything, and that you were still upset… but I meant it when I said you could take your time, you know?”

“That’s the thing, Johnny,” you blurted, inhaling deeply though your lungs weren’t satisfied, “I know you’re waiting… but… what if you’re just, you know, waiting for something you’re gonna regret waiting for?”

Johnny’s lips parted in surprise, his frown deepening, “Huh?”

“You know,” you continued, “back then, you knew me when I knew who I was, knew what I wanted and knew where I was going… Now I’m… I feel like I don’t know anything…”

You pressed your lips into a firm line, shutting your eyes as you forced yourself to breathe, “I need you to know that, Johnny. What if I'm not anything like you knew? I just… need you to know that you could just be waiting for someone that isn’t anything like the carefree, bubbly, free persona you’re familiar with.”

Johnny had never seen you like this before. Right now, all he could see when he looked at you was fear, anticipation for the worst, the amber glow of the lamppost shining on you that made the tears on your cheeks look golden.

His mind was already made up long ago, he was realising that now.

“What i’ve been seeing…” he began, and you felt yourself stiffen, as if preparing to be left wordless like that night in the garden, “though it may not be your carefree, bubbly, or free side… you’ve shown me the sides of you that are hardworking, focused, controlled…”

You felt him inhale deeply, “scared, messy, anxious, in pieces.”

Your tears flowed rapidly, once again feeling as though he’d picked up your heart gently and laid it bare for the both of you to look at.

“But I’m still thankful… you know? That you’re showing me all of that…” you frowned, looking at him with unadulterated confusion in your expression, “because I want to care for all these sides too…”

Your rational mind was practically screaming for you to fall back on your protection.    

Shaking your head, you sighed, “You don’t know what you’re asking for.”

Johnny surprised you when he’d let his hand reach over to grasp yours, cold and trembling in his warm grasp.

“But I’m asking, anyway. If you’ll let me learn about the ‘you’ that I don’t know,” he told you, his thumb rubbing over your knuckles gently.

You inhaled deeply, your vision blurring once again, “Even if you find nothing special by the end of it?”

Johnny gave you a small smile, reaching his other hand up to cup the side of your face gently, wiping your tear away as fast as it fell.

“Even still. If I find nothing special by the end of it, fuck it, even if I find nothing,” he let out a huff of laughter, his voice trailing off into a murmur, “I want every bit of that nothing.”

You nodded, “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” You turned, unlocking the door and stepping out of his car, Johnny meeting you as you were about to walk into the building, unconsciously taking your hand in his, interlocking your fingers.

“Consider me fully warned,” he smiled, neither of you bothering to let go till you reached his apartment.

“Wait, before we go in…” Johnny began, spotting Taeil’s umbrella haphazardly strewn outside the apartment door, “Do you remember the time when we put a bunch of places on a randomizer website and went wherever the wheel told us to go?”

You couldn’t help but smile at the memory, how you would both sing loudly to the songs on the radio, fumbling over words you didn’t know and bickering over who got the lyrics right. Johnny mimicking radio dj transitions in between songs, giddy and giggly as you ate food from 24-hour drive-thrus and canned energy drinks from 7-11’s. Sharing giggly kisses where you would bump teeth from how much either of you were smiling, how he would let his hand clasp yours, fiddling with your fingers absently as he drove.

You remembered Johnny taking pictures of couples and the beach and you in your pajamas fighting the breeze with one of his bomber jackets slung over your shoulders when you’d ended up there past midnight. How he would take photos of you, teasing you by posing you perfectly and refusing to take the photo until you would stop posing to ask what was taking him so long. How he would whine that you were a bad model, insisting that if he ever became a successful photographer, he’d never sell his photos of you. The way he would double over and giggles would bubble from him like you were the funniest person in the world when you asked if it was because the photos of you didn’t turn out right. The way he would reply that no, it’s because they’re the most beautiful photos he’d ever take.

“I remember,” was all you could say.

“Would you ever wanna do something like that again?”

Your delayed response had caused him to quickly blurt out an excuse.

“You know, for our next video, I saw some comments saying we should do a video on how to spend Christmas in the city… like a ‘Couples take us through their ideal Christmas date spots’ kind of thing,” he explained nonchalantly.

You shot him a curious (yet slightly skeptical) look.

“Just… for work?”

Johnny’s smile grew, a feigned thoughtful hum leaving him, “Do you want it to be more than that?”

Johnny wasn’t usually one to beat around the bush.  

Your lips parted in shock, averting your gaze as you shrugged. Both of you were aware, but neither of you seemed to mind.

“Do you?”

Johnny giggled, “You never seem to answer my questions directly these days.”

“Of course I want that, my sweet girl,” he let the name slip as naturally as it had used to, fully aware of what he’d said as he took his lower lip between his teeth, awaiting your response. Not being able to tolerate the silence, figuring it’d probably been too much, he cut in.

“Sorry, I—”

“Don’t worry about it,” you told him quickly, “we… have to film the video anyway so… let’s do that.”

“Saturday?” he asked, earning a nod from you.

“Saturday’s fine with me.”

Johnny took the liberty to unlock the door, only realising then that he was still holding your hand, letting go as he spotted Taeil in the living room, lounging belly down on the sofa watching the news.

“I’m gonna shower,” you called out, just so Taeil wouldn’t start asking you how the halloween party was, trying to ignore the staticy buzzing flowing through your right hand, which was now significantly warmer than the left.

Perhaps in his giddy happiness, Johnny let himself get a little carried away with his wine that night, Taeil calmly strolling into Johnny’s room when Johnny was typing something seriously on his computer, the same sleepy look in his eyes he got whenever he was tipsy. Not to mention very drowsy and very unfiltered.

“Someone’s in a mood,” Taeil huffed, amused lilt to his tone as he walked over to Johnny’s bathroom, taking a new packet of q-tips he’d run out of.

“Dude,” Johnny sighed, an almost guilty look in his eyes, as if he were holding back a multitude of secrets, “I need to tell you something.”

Setting his laptop on his bed next to him, Johnny got ready, Taeil holding up a hand in a gesture for Johnny to wait.

“Hold on, can I just pee really quick? I’ll be fast, I swear,” Taeil briskly walked out of the room, returning minutes later only to see Johnny snoring on his bed, sticking to the right side of the bed as though he were saving a space for someone.

Sighing, Taeil helped to transfer Johnny’s laptop from his bed to his bedside table, wanting to check in on you in your room as well, only to see you knocked out cold on your bed too, sticking to the left side.

===

‘Subject: Another update, even though you didn’t ask  Moony, It’s me again. There’s no simple way to say it, so maybe i’ll just say it how it is in my head (very complicated and very messy). I may also be a little tipsy while writng this so just ignore the typos. The person I'm in love with is my best friend’s sister. The first time I met her waswhen my best friend invited me over for thanksgiving. It wasn’t much of a thanksgiving actually, it was just a normal dinner cause his family doesn’t celebrate it but it was like thanksgiving for me cause I couldn’t go home that year to be with my family so he just invited me to spend it with his family. Maybe i’m just thinking about thanksgiving more because it’s the first time I’ll be spending it with her and her brother again in like ages. She was… a daydreamer, to put it simply. Her brother says that’s just a nice way of saying she’s unfocused, but I don’t think so. She kind of reminds me of a butterly,,, for some reason. Like just flitting around from place to place or from thought to thought. She’s caring, considerate, loving. In all my interactikns with her for the past i dont know how long that ive been back for, I know that hasn’t changed, she was always such a sweet girl, even when she tried to be mean. I could see how time had changed her, but i could also see how much she was trying. But back then we just snuck around and didn’t really think too much about it, nobody else knew other than the both of us, we just kind of thought it was better that way back then, no one else to tell us how things should or shouldn’t have been other than us. Im seeing alot clearer now how things are different and we cant just go about it how we did back then… if i want to do this again i wanna do it as honestly as possible. i reallyreally don’t think i can keep ignoring how im feeling, or pretending it doesn’t exist. I wanna just fuck it and tell her brother or tell everyone and tell her but i dont know if thats me or the wine talking, maybe both. i dont really know where i was going with this but i just needed to get it off my chest. I just wanted you to know so you could tell me what you think. you dont have to replu if you dont want to or if this doesn’t make sense. I was thinking of asking her out on a date on Christmas… should I? I don’t know. Maybe i will.

Sincerly, Suhnyy sideup.’

“Hey guys, so, as I was saying...”

You were walking out of your building as you overheard Johnny talking to his camera, spotting you through the little screen and letting out a long gasp.

“Nooo, you weren’t supposed to come out yet!” he scrunched his eyes shut, turning around to look at you, his grin softening to a small smile, “you look nice.”

You shot him a look, “I look like this everyday.”

He nodded, humming in affirmation, “You do.”

He turned around, grasping his camera between his fingers as he positioned you so that he would block you with his height, raising his hand holding his camera to continue filming.

“Today’s video is gonna be a pretty free-spirited one, we hope. We asked you guys for your little Christmas date spots in the city and stories that you guys have about how you spent Christmas there! To make it not boring, we’ll be rating them too. Unless you think that’s boring then I guess you don’t have to watch this. But before I go on, lemme introduce the special guest I’ll be doing this with… and that is Season’s very own…”

“Do I come out now?” you asked, Johnny’s giggles bubbling out as he stepped aside to reveal you.

“You’re so loud, the camera definitely caught that,” he sputtered out between giggles, leaning forward slightly in his amusement, “Moony!”

You gave a tight-lipped smile, looking at yourself in the frame standing next to Johnny, tugging your coat tighter around yourself, “Okay, Moony. What’s our first stop for today?”

You unlocked your tablet, looking at the list of stories Johnny had taken the liberty of collating over the week and sending you, the first stop on the list being closest to where you two lived. Walking over to his car, you’d sat yourself in the passenger’s seat with a small grunt, Johnny getting into the driver’s seat and fixing the camera on the dashboard.

“We’re going to…” you scanned the list, “Starbucks?” you shot him a look, earning a giggle from him.

“I swear, it was a coincidence, the reader’s story really did take place there. But conveniently,” he directed his serious look to the camera, “Y/N and I haven’t had breakfast yet. So, we’re doing that first,” he broke into a grin.

Starting the car, you looked at the story, noticing that the reader mentioned going to a drive-thru and having their date in the car, so you turned to Johnny.

“Are we following what they do in the stories?”

Johnny nodded, “Y/N is gonna read the story while we make our way to the drive-thru.”

Turning to face the window as you let out a small yawn, you blinked harshly, tilting your ipad up to begin reading, Johnny calmly fixing his attention on the road as your speaking voice echoed through his car, something that relaxed him more than ever.

Spotting the drive-thru as you finished reading the story, Johnny flashed you a small smile, situating his car at the end of the little queue of cars that had formed.

“What do you want? Your usual?” he murmured, earning a quizzical look from you.

“You know what my ‘usual’ is?”

Johnny’s smile widened, “Want me to prove it?”

When you’d reached the order station, he rolled his window down, calmly reciting his order of coffee and getting you the order Chenle usually got for you.

Narrowing your eyes at him, you glanced at the camera and back to him, “Not bad.”

Shrugging, exaggerated nonchalance in his gestures as he turned to you with a smile, “Told you.”

Following the reader’s story, you’d both found a nearby carpark, you eating your breakfast as Johnny drank his coffee.

“I guess this makes for a cute date spot if you wanna get away from the public and all,” Johnny shrugged, eyeing your pastry, his tongue peeking out to wet his lips.

“Can I have a bite?” he murmured, making you huff, going to hand it to him when he was already leaning over with his mouth open, leaving you with no choice but to feed it to him.

“But yeah, I guess it’s a lot more private than if you were to just go to Starbucks itself for a date,” you returned to the topic at hand, “I guess it could count as a Christmas date spot if you’re not looking for anything too extravagant. Just you, your partner and your pumpkin nut latte or whatever.”

Johnny snickered, his nose scrunching and his eyes forming little crescents as he held a hand up at you, turning to the camera and shaking his head, “Forgive Y/N, she’s not an avid coffee drinker.”

You rolled your eyes, “But yeah. The reader mentioned that it was their ideal Christmas date spot because it’s always been a tradition for them to do this and just have some Christmas karaoke in the car,” you explained.

Johnny looked at you, a glint of playfulness in his eyes, “Would you like to have some Christmas Karaoke too?” You watched in anticipation as he was already pulling his phone from where it was sitting in the cupholder.

“Can I say no—”

You heard the telltale intro to ‘All I want for Christmas is you’, Johnny starting the car and beginning to drive as he sang along loudly with Mariah Carey.

===

“Reader says—”

“Oh, oh, this one’s good,” Johnny grinned, letting his camera hang from his neck as he made his way towards you.

“Johnny, would you be a little quieter, you’re gonna get us kicked out.”

“Don’t worry, we’ll be fine, no one’s even here.”

“There’s literally five people sitting at that table trying to study.”

“Keep reading, Moony. Come on, dude!”

You glared at him, “Reader says she and her boyfriend— oh my god, wait I accidentally swiped out of the thing- okay, got it. She and her boyfriend worked here and during Christmas they would sneak mistletoe in the library and hang them from lights over the study table and they’d wait for people to share tables awkwardly because of the mistletoe just hanging over the both of them.”

You shot Johnny a blank look, “So, what? Are we gonna start hanging mistletoe over the study tables?”

Johnny hummed, distracted as he looked at you, his face close to you with how he was leaning against the bookshelf, “I mean, or we could be the ones sitting at those study tables…”

It took you a few seconds to process what he was saying, your eyes widening and hands darting out to shove him, making him erupt in a fit of giggles.

“God, I hope they edit that out.”

“Please don’t edit that out,” Johnny blurted between his giggles, resting his hands on his knees as he tried to collect himself, “I need everyone to see how you reacted.”

Huffing, you tried to mask your embarrassment, “Okay, I think i’ll clarify firstly that we’re not doing that…” you glanced at Johnny, who had fell into another bout of giggling, one of his hands clutching your arm and yelping as his knee hitting the bookshelf as he stumbled, “but this Christmas date idea is a little different from the rest—”

“Ma’am, is everything alright?” You saw the librarian approaching the both of you, your hand tapping Johnny as you did your best to drag him out of the library.

Holding the camera up again once you were out the double doors, you saw Johnny fixing his hair, a long sigh leaving him.

“Are you done laughing?” you couldn’t help the smile from your face, not being able to help the little hint of endearment towards him and his (very disruptive) laughter.

“Yes… I think.”

“Okay. We almost got kicked out of the library ‘cause of someone,” you gave him a pointed look, earning a nod from him.

“Yeah,” he groaned, adding an eyeroll for emphasis, “I wonder who that was, he was being really inconsiderate.”

Shaking your head in spite of your smile, you sighed, “Anyway, I was gonna say that this date idea is pretty laid-back as well. I think it’s really cute that the reader and her partner weren’t really like doing anything specific but I think there’s always something about watching other people in love that kind of makes you feel more in love if you are in love. What do you think?”

Johnny was very distracted, you were talking a lot and he tried reading your lips to focus more but then all he could think about was kissing you and then he was completely off track.  

“Yeah,” he nodded, trying his best to regain his bearings, hand on his chest as he spoke, “Personally, I’m not really a fan of libraries, I prefer my date spots to be a bit more like, you know, conducive for conversation.”

“That’s just ‘cause you’re bad at keeping quiet. You always have something to say for everything.”

“Oh, but that’s what makes it fun, isn’t it? Keeps you on your toes,” he drawled.

Turning back to face the camera to stop yourself from getting flustered, Johnny simply smiled as he watched you continue.

“Anyway. Would recommend this date spot if you’re more into people watching, and if you’re not bad at holding back your laughter like some of us here.”

Johnny scoffed, “Speaking of people watching. Why don’t we head to our next location. I think it’d be better for us to talk a little more freely in the next location.”

===

“Oh, this one’s pretty interesting,” you hummed, Johnny looking over your shoulder, already halfway through his second coffee of the day as you walked towards the museum.

“I was visiting my parents for Christmas, and my flight landed early so I had a lot of time to kill before I was supposed to meet one of my friends for dinner. I decided to kill time by visiting one of the permanent exhibits in the museum that everyone seemed to be raving about. There were a lot of spaces where you could just lounge and have the whole room just be enveloped by the artwork and they had little viewing areas with bean bags all over and you could watch the artwork get animated all around you. I walked around for a while, trying to look for the perfect place to rest. By then, I was aching for somewhere to sit down, the jetlag was hitting me pretty badly. Finally, when I chanced upon this room with little bean bags at fixed spaces (you weren’t really allowed to sit anywhere other than the bean bags). Since there was only one left, I was heading for that one, but there was this other girl there heading for the exact same one. I’ll tell you honestly, I don’t think I could’ve brisk walked faster in my life. We were practically both racing for the bean bag, and quite nearly got into a fight about who got there first. Eventually though, we decided we’d just share the bean bag, sitting back to back with the bean bag smushed between us. I don’t know how, but we started talking, and we realised we had a lot of common interests. She lived in a different city, and was visiting her brother and his family in the city. We spent the rest of the evening together talking in that exhibit until it was time for both of us to leave. Afterwards, it kind of became our little meeting place each Christmas, doing the long distance thing until we both decided to date more seriously after I got a job offer in her city. Till today, that place is really special for us… we’ve got a lot of memories attached to the exhibit. Now, we’re married with 2 dogs, and we’ve even got a copy of that painting from the bean bag room framed up in our house. Reminds us of Christmas each time we look at it, which is always a great feeling no matter what time of the year it is, don’t you think?”

Johnny smiled, giving you an encouraging nod, as if reading was something he felt the need to praise you for. You hadn’t realised he’d tossed his empty coffee cup already, leading you through the exhibit with a hand guiding you at your back while you were so immersed with reading the story.

“That’s such a cute story,” you gushed, “almost sounds like something from a movie.”

Nodding, Johnny was pointing the camera towards you, a lot calmer and quieter than he was before, something telling you he was extra tired today.

“It’s on the third floor, by the way,” he told you, still leading you up the spiral stairs to reach the exhibit. True enough, it was pretty crowded, and just to satisfy his need for amusement, Johnny had gotten the both of you to sit back to back on the beanbag.

“We could bicker like the reader and their girlfriend, but that’s just another day for Y/N and myself,” Johnny told the camera.

You shoved him, hearing his telltale giggles that followed.

“Fine, fine,” Johnny sighed, “Maybe just every other day.”

You groaned, “Johnny,” you warned.

“Yes, my dear?” He blinked innocently.

You huffed, “I’m lucky you’re not the one editing this video, or I’m sure the viewers are gonna have a field day.”

“How do you know I don’t have connections in the editing team?”

Your lips parted.

“You’re kidding.” You should’ve known better, Johnny was very sociable. Too sociable, almost.

Johnny pursed his lips, shrugging. “What can I say? It just comes naturally.”

You smiled, shaking your head.

“Sure does.”

Leaning back so you could rest your back against his, Johnny sighed, “This place is really nice.”

You nodded, looking around the room and trying to take in as much of it as you could, pushing back your urge to think about how many submissions you had yet to work on, or what errands you had to get done. Today, your sole focus was experiencing things as they came, feeling emotions as they came, enjoying this time with Johnny while you still were able to use the excuse of work as a cover up.

“What are your thoughts on museum dates?” You hummed, earning a shrug from Johnny, who let out a small yawn before answering you.

“They’re nice. Never really went to a museum for a ‘date’ date, though, unless you count now. Usually I just went with my friends or my parents. What about you?”

You shrugged.

“Never really had a preference…” you spoke, trailing off when you felt Johnny shifting in his seat, stifling another yawn as best as he could as his hand went up to run his fingers through his hair, “Generally I prefer places that are a little more casual… but honestly, I think anywhere can be lovelier when you’re with someone you love.”

You couldn’t see his face but Johnny’s gaze was playful, full of intent as he quipped, “This place must be very lovely for you then, hmm?”

Again, you took a second to process what he said, a gasp leaving you as you rolled your eyes.

“Season should give me a pay raise after this project.”

Turning his head and leaning over, Johnny murmured, “It’s very very lovely for me, just so you know.”

Groaning, you turned away hoping your smile wasn’t too obvious, you shushed him.

“I think it’s time for you to get some vocal rest,” you muttered.

Johnny let out another yawn, shifting slightly, making you giggle from how the back of his head was rubbing against yours in a ticklish manner.

“Are you tired?” You asked, gaze following the animated waves of the artwork cascading across the walls, accompanied with gentle the sound of waves rolling against the coast.

“Yeah. Didn’t get a lot of sleep last night, so maybe that’s why. I’ll be fine, though.”

You frowned. “Let me know if you wanna head home and rest, okay? We can always continue filming another day. Is it ‘cause of sinus problems or anything? I remember you used to have those issues…I have this humidifier that could help with that-”

You stopped yourself short when Johnny sighed, an amused huff leaving him.

“You see, I knew you’d worry if I told you,” the tired smile on his face was almost enough to put you at ease, “Don’t worry, alright? I’ve been looking forward to this day all week… I’m not gonna let a little bit of sleepiness take that away from me,” he huffed, making you roll your eyes.

You weren’t sure what came over you. Perhaps it was your desire to live a little more freely today. Or, at least, that was your excuse for now.

“Turn the camera off. Take a nap, I’ll wake you up in half an hour.”

Johnny was practically beaming.

Shifting again in his seat, he moved to sit next to you, resting his head on your shoulder as you leaned your back against the beanbag.

Sure, it was different, having Johnny rest his head on your shoulder, out in the open for whoever visited the exhibit to see. Very different from sneaking around and napping in cars on road trips, but you couldn’t deny that it was familiar, the way his breathing had evened out quicker than you expected, or the weight of his head comfortably nestling itself against you. You couldn’t deny that it was good.

So you sat, fiddling absently with his little camera as he slept, once again letting yourself feel everything that came to you. The unmistakable feeling of grace that came with warmth, comfort, peace, and if you were being honest? Maybe even love.

===

“Feeling better?” you couldn’t help but smile at the sight of him groggily staring at the waves after you woke him up, turning to you to give you a tired smile, one of his hands coming up to fiddle with his earring.

“Your shoulder is very comfortable,” he sighed, reaching his arms out in front of him and letting out a small grunt as he stretched.

Getting up from the beanbag, he held a hand out for you to take, helping you up with such ease you’d almost stumbled into him.

“Ready to head to the next location?” he asked.

“It’s the last one, right?”

Johnny narrowed his eyes at you, a hesitant hum leaving him, “Yeah, I guess you could say that.”

“Okay. Maybe when we’re done we can go get dinner or something,” you offered as casually as you could, Johnny poorly stifling his smile as he nodded at you, already pulling his phone out.

“I’ll tell Taeil we won’t be back for dinner.”

You’d ended up at an ice-skating rink, Johnny seeming to have gotten back some of his energy, the cold air seeming to have woken him up a little, eagerly getting his skates on as he insisted to the camera that he was gonna be a lot better at this than you.

True enough, he was very good at it, skating way ahead of you so he could use his film camera to snap photos of you trying to film or flail around on the ice as you tried to avoid the other groups of teenagers there.

“Just skate forward,” he told you, pointing his camera lens at you.

You held the camera just below your neck, not being able to direct yourself very well when you were busy looking through the small screen.  

“Am I supposed to pose or something? This feels awkward,” you huffed, contemplating if you should’ve stopped filming.

Pulling his camera down from his face so he could look at you, he put on a serious look, “Try smiling.”

You mustered a smile, still skating towards him, waiting for him to snap the picture but frowning when 5 long seconds had passed and there wasn’t a single snapshot sound coming from his end.

“Johnny are you—”

You heard the snapshot sound when you were mid-speech, groaning when he’d burst into laughter, managing to elicit a smile from you as well.

“Why’d you stop smiling? You’re such a bad model!” he teased, pretending to be upset even in spite of the giggles that bubbled out of him.

Shoving him lightly (though he didn’t budge at all), you feigned menace in the glare you directed towards him, “you always do this.”

Johnny grinned, “Okay, okay. Again, again. Give me the camera.”

You tried smiling again, your gaze slowly turning to a knowing glare when you still heard no snapshot. About to break your pose, you couldn’t help the laughter that escaped you, your smile becoming less forced and more genuine, almost not noticing the snapshot that followed immediately after.

“Did you take the picture?” you asked, earning a nod from him.

“Yeah.”

“Was it nice?”

Johnny’s gaze held the same playfulness to it, giving you a simple shrug, “Meh, looks like a stock image—”

You huffed, about to shove him when he started to skate away, pointing the camera to you as he muttered something you couldn’t hear but you were sure was full of teasing, starting on your mission to chase after him (with your average skating abilities), being able to pick out the sound of his laughter even in the midst of the crowd.

It was strange, almost, how different you felt from just a few days ago. Calmer, freer, warmer. Not even because of Johnny, but perhaps because you weren’t trying to take yourself so seriously.

You weren’t trying too hard to maintain your ‘reputation’ or your clean cut image, or trying to remain so closed up so that no one could know enough about your personality to use against you, or trying to stay poised so you wouldn’t get embarrassed. It was quite the opposite. Sure you were embarrassed at the thought of Johnny taking unflattering photos of you, sure you were flustered by his teasing, sure you wouldn’t have been caught dead being a borderline nuisance in public libraries. But it was never the end of the world, and you were remembering that more these days.

You knew Johnny better than to think he’d let himself be caught so easily, so by the time you made your third round around the rink, you were starting to give up, skating to the barricade and situating yourself there. Adding the little extra dramatics as you moved to massage your calves.

In a matter of seconds, you saw him skating towards you, a hint of a smile lingering on his features as he let out a satisfied smile, “Tired already?”

Glaring at him, you huffed, “If you’re not, feel free to make another 5 rounds before joining me at the café.”

Johnny smiled, reaching over to adjust the scarf you were wearing and giving you a simple nod.

“I’ll make another round just to take a few more pictures, I’ll join you afterwards.”

Yanking off your borrowed skates with what felt like your last bits of energy, you slipped your shoes on, returning the skates before walking over to the little drink and snack bar they had next to the rink, getting yourself a hot chocolate and finding a standing table to wait.

Joining you shortly after, you frowned when you saw the can of redbull in his hand, watching as he took his place next to you, setting the camera on the little table and taking a sip of his redbull before setting it on the table.

“That was fun,” he sighed, making you laugh, looking at him incredulously.

“When’s the last time you went ice skating?” you asked, earning a thoughtful look from him.

“I think I was seventeen? But it was for a friend’s birthday party. Not like a date or anything.”  

Humming, you shrugged, “I think the last time I went was with Taeil and my parents when we were really young. But for the entire time I've lived here, I’ve never actually gone here before.”

Johnny’s eyebrows raised, clutching a hand to his chest with exaggerated emotion, “I’m flattered to be the first one you came here with.”

Rolling your eyes, you glanced at the camera, not having realised it was filming.

“How would you rank this date idea?”

He responded quickly, “ten out of ten. It’s way more fun when you go with someone who can’t skate—”

“I can totally skate—”

“That’s what they all say. We’ll let the viewers decide when they watch the video,” he told you, momentarily distracted by the way you switched your hot chocolate with his redbull.

“Too much caffeine,” you murmured, “you won’t be getting any sleep tonight if you keep going.”

Johnny simply nodded, trying to contain his smile. He knew caffeine didn’t necessarily affect his sleep at night, but he was more than happy to be at the receiving end of your concern.

Navigating back to the topic smoothly, you continued, “I would rank this… a nine out of ten. Minus one point because it was so cold my feet felt numb. But I think it’s really good for a first date.”

“What makes you say that?” he asked, gladly sipping on your hot chocolate.

“First of all, it’s a great way to break the ice—”

“Very funny,” Johnny snickered.

“— and it sort of dissipates the awkwardness too? Reader was saying she went here for her first date and it wasn’t awkward at all because her date was helping her learn how to skate and you know… with that comes all the hand holding and whatnot. And because it’s outdoors there’s also a different atmosphere to it, when you can see the Christmas decorations and feel the excitement of the season.”

Johnny nodded slowly, humming in understanding “Ah, so you’re saying it’ll help to break that physical barrier, in a sense.”

You shot him a look, “Yeah, unless they’re coming here with someone like you, then good luck to them trying to flail around on their own while you’re out there performing a whole olympic routine.”

Johnny’s laughter was contagious, his hand touching your arm almost to keep him steady as he laughed.

“I was motivating you,” he insisted.

“Consider me still unmotivated.”

“But yeah, you’re right. It’s a good way to release some tension because you’ll be moving around, and sure you could still go to indoor skating rinks but this one in this city in particular has all the vibes you would want during Christmas.It costs a little more, we’ll put the details somewhere in the sceeen now, I hope,” he waved his hand inbetween the both of you, “But they have discounts for students and special holiday deals! Not to mention they have a couples discount, so couples are very much welcome here.”

You nodded, “I’d still say that regardless, you should probably wear some thicker socks if you’re planning to come here during the winter time.”

“And if you get cold easily like Y/N,” Johnny added, “As much as Y/N may not look like it, we definitely had a lot of fun here.”

You shot him a look, shrugging, “... okay, yeah. Fine, it was kind of fun.”

Johnny’s eyes widened, “You see, guys? She’s basically jumping for joy. Anyway, that brings us to the end of this video. Let us know if you’d like to see more of this content, maybe even a part two? There’s a lot of things you can do during Christmas as a date, even if we didn’t mention it in the video. Thanksgiving’s soon so maybe you could watch the Macy’s parade together or something.”

You nodded, “Yeah, or if you don’t celebrate thanksgiving you could do other things like… bake cookies or make gingerbread houses, or decorate Christmas trees and wreaths, or play board games,” you listed out, Johnny looking at you with an amused smirk playing at his lips.

“... and that was Y/N’s list of date ideas for homebodies.”

You scoffed, “I’m serious!”

“But yeah, if you guys would like to see more of these videos, make sure to let Season know. Otherwise, we’ll see you soon for another couples video next week! Y/N say ‘bye’.”

He turned the camera towards you.

“By—”

“Okay, that’s enough,” he teased, directing the camera away for his own amusement before turning it back to capture the both of you as he said goodbye, pressing the stop button and setting the camera down with a huff of laughter.

“It’s not that close to dinnertime yet, actually…” Johnny murmured, glancing at the time on his phone, “do you wanna just walk around until we’re a little more hungry?”

Shrugging, you nodded.

The sun was beginning to set, a warm golden glow leading and following wherever Johnny and you walked, venturing into a park and watching elderly couples and families with little toddlers having picnics or watching the view of the sunset against the pond.

“The buildings along this street are really nice,” Johnny hummed, his hands shoved into the pockets of his furry jacket, cameras now safely tucked in your bag, “don’t you think?”

You shrugged, “I guess… they probably cost a bomb, though.”

“I guess. I was actually looking at this area before Taeil told me about his idea for me to room with him and split rent so I could take my time searching.”

You frowned, “Oh. So, you’re still house hunting?”

Johnny nodded, “Yeah. I figured if I really wanted to put down roots, I wanted to kind of have my own space… have it conducive enough to settle down. I mean, I love rooming with Taeil, but obviously, it kind of doesn’t allow for a whole lot of privacy.”

You huffed, amusement in your smile, “Yeah. I learned that the hard way when I was in college… kind of awkward to study when you can hear people fucking even through your headphones.”

Johnny sputtered out a laugh, sighing almost wistfully, “College… actually, did you date anyone back then? Or… since then?”

You shot him a look, “I’m surprised you haven’t already asked Taeil by now.”

Simply smiling, Johnny shook his head, “I’m honestly surprised too…”

He wasn’t really. He just figured he wasn’t ready to hear it if Taeil’s answer was affirmative.

“For your information,” you began, a small sigh leaving you, “I didn’t. Well, nothing more than a talking stage, I guess.”

Johnny’s eyebrows raised in surprise, “Really? Why not?”

“No specific reason, just didn’t meet anyone I was really interested in, I guess.”  

The way he was looking at you was making you feel as though you were a one-way mirror, making you desperate to fix his attention on something else, glancing elsewhere and spotting a food stand nearby, “Have you eaten that before? It’s pretty good.”

Johnny followed your gaze, humming, “I’ve heard of it, never tried it, though. Should we just eat that for dinner?”

You nodded, letting him lead you to the stand, buying your dinner and deciding to find a place in the park to sit and eat.

After a period of silence, you decided to ask the question that’d been lingering in your mind for the longest time now, “What about you? Date anyone while you were in Austria? Or France? Or Greece? Or wherever the hell you were?”

Johnny let out an amused huff, shaking his head.

“Nope,” he replied, popping the ‘p’.

You let out a laugh, sarcasm dripping from your tone, “Yeah, right,” you glanced at him, only to see that he was very much not kidding, “wait, you’re serious?”

Johnny nodded, smiling gently, “Is that so hard to believe?”

You stared blankly at him, “Sorry, but yes. Very. You really… not even like one night stands or like friends with benefits or anything?”

Johnny shook his head, “Yeah, none of that either.”

Your lips parted, mostly in surprise.

“Oh.”

He huffed, rolling his eyes with affection, “Yeah. ‘Oh’, indeed.”

“Any… reason behind that?” you dared to ask.

Johnny nodded, humming, “I mean, I met a lot of people… and sure they were beautiful, they were likeable, they were successful. But… I guess I didn’t want to. Couldn’t, honestly. It was weird… just kind of felt like it wasn’t even something I considered. I wanted to focus on studying, building my resumé, my portfolio and getting work experience. Somehow, all of the travelling still felt temporary, like I was working towards something bigger eventually.”

You huffed, “Did anything feel permanent for you?”

Johnny gave you a wordless look, and you didn’t have to hear the words from him to know what he felt.

Averting your gaze, you let him lead you both to a park bench, sitting down and understanding why he chose it immediately, taking in the vast view of the pond and the open area of the park, the reflection of the trees and the sunset in the water.

“How are you feeling?” he murmured as you took a bite out of your dinner, surprising you with the sudden question. You swallowed your food quickly before answering.

“Honestly? Kind of tired. I think the skating really wore me out, “ you couldn’t help the smile on your face as he giggled, “Feels weird, though. Usually if I spend this long not doing work or doing something productive I’d be an anxious mess by now,” you huffed, bringing your drink up to your lips to take a sip, “but I’m not really feeling any of that today.”

Johnny shrugged, “but you were productive today, and technically we were working. We shot a whole video’s content. You did well,” he assured you.

You could only huff. Just a month ago, you would’ve refuted him, saying you hadn’t done enough. Now, it didn’t feel as self-indulgent as you thought it would to want to give yourself a pat on the back.

“This is gonna sound a little ‘out of nowhere’ but… do you ever feel tired?” you began, “of like… you know, working and working and telling yourself you’re working towards something when you don’t actually know what that something is?”

Johnny tilted his head at you in curiosity, “Care to explain a little more?”

You shrugged, sinking down slightly in your seat as you fiddled with the packaging of your food, “No, I just thought of it ‘cause you mentioned something just now about how even though everything felt temporary, you still had to be chasing because there’s the idea of having to like, keep running towards something bigger? Or keep finding temporary things to chase?”

Johnny nodded, prompting you to continue.

“Taeil says I'm guilty of that… always feeling like I need to be doing, but isn’t that just how it is? Like… for such a long time I’ve just always felt like time is just gonna keep moving without me and if i’m not moving too I’m just gonna get left behind. I don’t really know where I was going with this…”

Johnny hummed, “like… chasing to survive?”

You nodded.

“Yeah. I’m just kind of tired of it, I guess, of feeling like I’m chasing because I’m scared of what will happen if I’m not. I guess I… just feel like I’m always seeing everybody chasing and settling for chasing the same things as them because I have to be chasing something. I can’t even remember a time when I wasn’t.”

Johnny gave you a soft smile, once again, able to feel and know the pages of your book and recite the words by heart. The image of a butterfly flitting around.

“I know you do, and that’s not a bad thing at all, you know?” he told you, gentle reassurance in his tone, “but you can’t let yourself get confused and chase things you don’t care about just because it’s what other people are chasing, or just because you like to chase shit,” he huffed with a smile.

“You’re right. I mean, I love my job and I know I have to work for money but… I guess what I’m sick of chasing is this idea of having to be perfect, or having to be some well-oiled machine that never makes any mistakes and never feels tired and never needs to rest because everyone’s depending on them.”

Johnny nodded, giving you a shrug, as if the answer was as clear as day to him (and perhaps, it was to you as well).

“Then don’t.”

You smiled, huffing, “What about you? Was this what you imagined you’d be doing? Working at Season doing ‘couple videos’ with me?”

Johnny snorted, “Yeah, totally, this was my end-goal for 10 years—” he stopped himself to laugh, falling silent just for a moment, letting out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

“I actually got a job offer from my old college… they were asking me if I was interested in teaching for their photography programme.”

Your eyes widened, “Oh.”

“I was actually thinking of taking up the offer… you know, after my contract ends with Season. I’ve always liked the idea of teaching… figured it was an opportunity I'd regret not taking.”

You brought your drink to your lips to take a long sip, nodding slowly, trying to understand the implication of his words.

“So… you’ll have to move again?” you dared to ask, trying to read his expression so you would know how to prepare your heart in anticipation for his next words.

“No, actually. I’m trying to work something out with them to see if I can teach classes remotely.”

You visibly relaxed, earning a smile from Johnny, who sighed softly, “I meant what I said, you know? I’m back for good.”

There was no other way to describe how that moment felt to you. Time was moving, time was definitely moving. Everyone else was moving around you, running after a bus, brisk walking, running late for their appointment, starting to pack up their things and head home as the sun set, people heading out with friends.

Looking at Johnny and hearing his words, reassurance overwhelmed you. The reminder that yes, things were moving, and it was more than okay if you were not.

In this moment, you felt like you were returning to a safe base after your long period of searching, exploration and discovery, returning to meet someone who was more than ready to share in your discoveries with you, to rest with you, to be with you until you were ready to explore again, and be with you even then.

You nodded, crushing up the empty wrapper of food.

You knew. You guessed you just needed a little more time for it to feel real.

“Wanna get ice cream?”

===

That night, Johnny and you were working on rather different things. While you were typing out your reply to your latest ‘Ask Moony’ submission from Suhnny Side Up, he was supposed to be sending the footage the two of you recorded to the editing team.

So, it was safe to say that when Taeil had walked into Johnny’s room only to see the boy staring at a photo of you he’d taken today that was now blown up on his large desktop screen, it was a little more than difficult for Johnny to explain why. If that wasn’t bad enough, he hadn’t even noticed Taeil’s presence in the room until the boy stood next to Johnny’s swivel chair, looking at the picture and then at Johnny, who bumped his elbow against the table in shock as he fumbled to minimise the picture.

“Shit, you scared the crap out of me.”

Taeil’s expression was eerily calm, Johnny noted, wondering for a moment if this was how people in horror movies felt when they were in the same room as the killer.

“Thought you said you were sending an email,” Taeil finally spoke, earning a calm nod from Johnny.

“I was.”

“So, you were gonna include that picture of Y/N in the email?”

Johnny nodded slowly, “Well… I was gonna edit them before I sent them to her,” he lied.

Taeil took a seat at the edge of Johnny’s bed, hands shoved into the pockets of his sweatpants.

“Then why’d you close it when you saw me? Almost thought I caught you watching something weird.”

Was Taeil playing with him? He never knew the boy to be so cunning.

Johnny’s lips parted, a huff leaving him eventually, trying to lighten the tension he felt.

“Dude, I know this is awkward, but trust me, there’s a simple explanation for all of this—”

Taeil couldn’t help the amusement from his features, “Okay… ‘cause is this the part where I tell you that I already know?”

“Y/N and I- wait, what?”

Taeil pressed his lips into a firm line, nodding as he sucked in a sharp breath.

“Yeah… I’ve kind of known about you guys’ thing for a while...”

Johnny tried to run through his memories in his head, wondering if it was the first night that you moved in here that gave it away, or if it was something he said when he was drunk.

“How?” Johnny’s lips felt dry, reaching over for his glass of water which unfortunately did not seem to help at all.

Taeil shrugged, frowning in thought, “I had my suspicions at first, ‘cause she was acting all weird in her freshman year. I mean, I just thought she had a crush on Sicheng, at first, ‘cause they were hanging out a lot to study and all, but… I think I was only sure when I went over to your house and I saw her moomin shirt in your laundry basket.”

Johnny’s lips parted in shock.

“Could’ve been my moomin shirt.”

Taeil shot Johnny a knowing look, “Definitely was not your size.”

“What makes you so sure? I was pretty lean.”

“Johnny, seriously,” Taeil rolled his eyes, “it was her favourite shirt. I’m pretty sure I would’ve seen it enough to know it was hers. And definitely not yours.”

Johnny sighed, “Fine.”

Averting his gaze from Taeil, he let out another sigh, “I’m sorry… for not telling you sooner. I was going to, but…I guess I was just waiting for the right time… and then I realised there was honestly never gonna be a ‘right time’ to tell you.”

Taeil huffed, leaning back to lie on Johnny’s bed, staring at the ceiling.

“Would’ve been nice to have heard it from you sooner. But I’m not mad or anything, just saying. I just… guess I kind of hoped you knew what you were doing, especially since, you know, you had a lot of… things going on back then.”

Johnny shook his head slowly, “Honestly, I don’t think I did.”

Taeil smiled, “I know. It was obvious.”

“Thanks a lot, dude,” Johnny’s tone was dripping with sarcasm, “Really makes me feel better.”

Taeil scoffed, “You don’t get to feel better for lying to me for nine years.”

Almost looking sheepish, Johnny sucked in a sharp breath, “Right, sorry.”

Slumping back in his swivel chair, Johnny fixed his blank stare on Taeil’s figure lying on his bed, wondering how Taeil must have felt knowing about it all this while, and more so why he never asked Johnny to confirm his suspicions.

“I have a question, though,” Taeil spoke up after a long pause.

Johnny hummed, prompting Taeil to continue, “Do you love her?”

Johnny let out a breath he didn’t realise he was holding, nodding even though Taeil couldn’t see him.

“Very much… yeah. If I’m honest, even more now.”

Taeil hummed, sitting up slightly and supporting his weight with his elbows, “I could tell as much. Just figured I wanted to hear it straight from you.”

“Can I ask you something too, though?” Johnny hummed.

“Yeah, sure.”

“Why didn’t you let Taeyong date her? It confused the hell out of me, I thought he would’ve treated her perfectly.”

Taeil laughed, giving Johnny a look that only read ‘are you kidding?’

“Isn’t it obvious? She already liked you too much by then, she would never have given him the time of day. I knew it would’ve made more sense to just let him know he had no chance to begin with.”

Now, Johnny really felt foolish. But somehow, he didn’t regret how things played out. In fact, it felt better this way, like things were falling into place how they were meant to.

“Oh,” Johnny muttered, watching as Taeil got up from his bed with a grunt, a hand coming up to run through his hair, “you knew that early on?”

Taeil had a proud smile on his face, “I’m a lot more perceptive than you guys give me credit for. And plus, I don't think you realise how obvious it was,” he laughed, “Do you have any idea how sarcastic she became after meeting you? I could literally see how your behaviour was rubbing off on each other.”

Johnny’s eyebrows raised, somehow not having realised that till Taeil mentioned it.

“Literally, you guys even started using the same terms and all, it was like… something that happens when people spend too much time with each other. My mom saw it too but it wasn’t like I had any explanation for it back then.”

“Oh… that makes me feel kind of stupid,” Johnny admitted, huffing in amusement in spite of himself, “here I was thinking I was on some covert operation everytime she snuck out of your house-”

“You’d sneak her out?!” Taeil’s eyes widened.

Johnny’s expression mirrored Taeil’s, tensing visibly. .

“Forget I said anything.”

Taeil groaned, “Too late. It’s all starting to make sense now,” he sighed, grimacing, “I always thought she was just more tired from staying up late to study.”

Johnny’s smile was sheepish, his hand coming up to scratch the back of his neck, averting his gaze to the floor.

“Whatever, I know you guys are going through a… weird stage right now but I hope you guys make it through. I mean, I’m sure you’ll both find your way through it but… you know, just want you to know I’m rooting for you, I guess,” Taeil shrugged, “Also so I can stop feeling like my apartment is a filming set for ‘too hot to handle’ or something.”

Johnny rolled his eyes, “Thanks.”

“You’re very welcome,” Taeil grinned, “I’m gonna sleep now, goodnight.”

Johnny hummed, bidding Taeil goodnight and listening to his footsteps grow lighter till he was gone, the lightness seeming to mirror how Johnny felt now that that burden of a secret was off of his (and technically yours too) shoulders.

It was just past one in the morning when Johnny heard a soft knock at his door, turning around on his chair to see you standing there, one hand against the doorframe and the other running through your hair.

“Hey, thought you would’ve been asleep by now,” he frowned, earning a huff of dismissal in response.

“Nah, I was working on a submission,” you sighed. Truthfully, you’d just spent way too long looking at the comments on your forum and it was making you feel too shitty to continue writing, your legs had somehow just led you to seek Johnny for a distraction (or comfort, admittedly) without thinking.

“You should sleep soon, you can always continue working on it tomorrow.”

Nodding, you sighed, “I know, I might just do that,” you got slightly distracted from the song that was softly playing from his laptop, recognizing the tune almost instantly.

“Is that… Adele?”

Johnny glanced at the direction you pointed at, nodding at his laptop and turning to you with a soft smile, “Yeah.”

“She was so good live,” you sighed, recalling the Adele concert you’d gone to with Johnny in your Sophomore year (without Taeil knowing obviously). As much as he didn’t seem like it, Johnny was a rather big fan of Adele. You remembered just how much he listened to the nineteen album when he was in high school, knowing the words by heart like they were a secret language he invented.

Getting up from where he sat on his bed, Johnny made his way over to you, pulling you into the room by your hands, the music  seeming much louder than it was before.

“Do you remember?” he murmured, and you didn’t have to ask to know what he was referring to.

“That lady that was dancing with her husband?” you asked, just to be sure you were on the same page, the way his smile grew only made your heart falter.

“Yeah,” he grasped your hand, twirling you around with the brightest of smiles on his face, bringing both your hands up to wrap your arms around his neck, his hands finding their way to your waist.

“Like this, right?” he spoke softly, and you could only nod.

You were surprised you remembered the moment so vividly, Adele performing one and only as you and Johnny imitated the elderly couple you saw dancing in the back of the venue, Johnny leaning over to press a kiss to your forehead, insisting that the song was somehow made for him. After all, even if it was when doing things like making hot chocolate for you, or writing his little notes he would stick in your textbooks for you to find during the day (‘otherwise you wouldn’t be studying your textbook properly’, he would say), he would always make sure you knew that they were from your ‘one and only, Johnny’.

You figured if the both of you were dancing, you would’ve at least been swaying, but somehow, you’d grown closer in proximity, somehow rendering the both of you almost paralysed as your bodies pressed against each other, faces were mere breaths away from each other.

His hand that was rubbing the skin of your waist under your shirt was almost enough to push you over the edge, your breath hitching in your throat as you felt him lean even closer, your lips parted, just barely grazing his, but neither of you were making any move to fully close the gap. It was as though he was waiting for you.

Your whole body felt like it was being held up by a single thread, you could feel his breath on your lips, the warmth radiating from him and the way you could practically feel the imprint of his hands through your shirt, the static feeling that would rush through you when your lips would brush ever so slightly.

At the sudden sound of his text tone, you’d pulled apart instantly, feeling breathless even though nothing had happened, his hands letting go of you and yours falling back to your sides, taking a step back as he glanced at his phone then back at you.

“I’m gonna…” you sighed through your nose, “goodnight.”

He blinked at you, once, twice, as though he were regaining his bearings, giving you a small nod.

“Night.”

===

Johnny thought things had been looking up, till he read your latest ‘Ask Moony’ reply. Arguably, it wasn’t a very pleasant way to start his Thanksgiving morning.

You didn’t see him at the office that day since you were swamped with meetings and he had shoots going on, but you spent the entire day with Chenle, and if you didn’t think it was that bad, you were given a reality check again today.

“What was with the post you put up this morning?”

“Hmm?” you pretended you hadn’t heard him, pretending to be busy with your mug you were already done washing.

You’d posted it on a whim, letting your rational side take over again, but you were beginning to regret it, something about your words in the reply not sitting right with you.

Chenle shot you a knowing look, leaning against the thick marble counter of the pantry as he used the empty packet of instant coffee mix to stir his drink.

“No, like, I don’t get it,” Chenle huffed out a laugh, “I had like three people ask me today if you were alright because your reply was so… unexpected. I mean, the past few times you replied this guy, you were supporting him and encouraging him and giving him tips, but the moment he comes out and says it’s his best friends sister you tell him to fuck off and die—”

“I didn’t tell him that.”

“Well, you might as well have,” Chenle scoffed, “You literally told him it wasn’t worth it, but you had no explanation for that other than that blanket statement you gave him about ‘secret relationships never ending well’, which was totally not statistically backed by the way.”

“Since when do you care about statistics?”

“Look,” his gaze was serious, “you know me. I respect what you do for ‘Ask Moony’, and I’ve never spoken to you like this about any of your articles before but I just wanted to check up on you because… I don’t know, that submission sounded nothing like what you would say. Did you really mean that?”

“But isn’t that…'' you frowned, an exasperated huff leaving you, “I mean, isn’t what I said what people want to read? I was reading the forum last night and I saw so many comments saying that I needed to be less idealistic or… or more ‘tough love’-ish, or that the girl that Suhnny Side Up was talking about was annoying and that he should just give up.”

Chenle sighed, bringing his glass up to his lips to take a big gulp of his coffee.

“Honestly? I don’t know what the forum says, but I saw the comments on the article and… they’re confused. Your past few articles and posts were great, they loved how personal you were getting and how intimate it felt, but this one… people aren’t convinced you’re being honest, that’s all I’ll say.”

You huffed, waving him off as you glanced at the time on your phone. You only had to work till three today since Season was letting people off early on Thanksgiving, and it was almost time for your meeting.

“Fine, I’ll go to a corner and think about what I did. Bye.”

“Uh-huh, please do. And for your sake,” he called as you were walking away, “I hope to God you don’t see that woman today.”

Your meeting had just ended, and you managed to have a peaceful lunch without seeing her. But after lunch was when your peace was disrupted again. This time not by Chenle, but perhaps you should’ve been thankful, since you could’ve been met with a lot worse.

“Hey,” you looked up into the mirror in front of you at the sound that echoed around the walls, watching Yeri coming up next to you to wash her hands.

“Hey,” you murmured, focused on washing the soap off your hands.

“Y/N, you’re pretty close with John, right?”

You frowned, “Why are you asking?”

Yeri’s expression was sheepish, “No, it’s just… he’s been really off today. He’s not making jokes like he usually does, or smiling… like at all. He honestly looks kind of upset,” she grimaced, “I was just wondering if you knew what happened. We’re all too scared to ask him. I figured you would know better than any of us.”

You frowned, shaking your head, “I don’t know. Maybe he’s really tired or something.”

Yeri didn’t look as though she believed you, but it wasn’t as if you had a better guess. It took a lot for Johnny to lose his temper, but he usually calmed down after a few hours and forgot what he was angry about.

“My advice would be to get him a coffee and give him some space. He’ll get over it in a few hours, whatever it is,” you huffed, waving her off in dismissal as you dried your hands.

“And if he doesn’t?” she winced, earning a blank look from you.

“If he doesn’t, it’s probably not work related,” you sighed, fixing your hair in the mirror, “It won’t be your problem after three pm anyway.”

Yeri eyed you carefully, “Okay, then… Well, are you okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

She shrugged, leaning over to take a paper towel to dry her hands with.

“You seem a little… annoyed.”

You shook your head, “Yeah. It’s nothing, just having some problems with my post.”

Yeri’s eyes lit up in realisation, her lips parting, “Oh, yeah. Doyoung was saying he wanted to talk to you about it? He said something about rewriting it or taking it down before things get worse.”

You huffed, sourness lingering on your tongue as you nodded, “Message received. Thanks, Yeri.”

She shook her head in dismissal, “No worries… Happy thanksgiving.”

You hummed, “Yeah, happy thanksgiving.”

Making your way back up to your desk, you sat yourself down with a grunt, burying your head in your hands in frustration, frankly not wanting to check your computer for any hate mail right now.

You knew what they were telling you was right. You did feel hypocritical writing that post, telling Suhnny Side Up to give up and not put themselves at risk of getting hurt, that they were torturing the other person by holding on to the part of them that may not even be there anymore. Perhaps, it was even harder for you to type this out knowing very well the amount of similarities it had to yours and Johnny’s situation.

You wanted to satisfy what those people in the forum wanted, but when you tried, it felt unnatural, fabricated, because it wasn’t at all what you really wanted to say. You were making progress, you knew that. You’d just let the forum get to you. This wasn’t connected at all, in fact, it felt almost separate from your opinion, and you knew that was the problem.

Finally tearing your head from your hands, you turned your computer on, clicking on your email to see the latest one had come in, from najaemin00@season.com.

‘Y/N, I just spoke to Chenle. You should know firstly that the forum is full of trolls, we clear out a bunch of spam hate messages everyday. I know I’m new here, and it’s probably very rude of me to be just emailing you like this without a proper reason but I swear Doyoung is backing me up in this email. I even CC’d him. Whatever the situation is, speak truthfully, and make sure you actually believe in what you’re saying. Season will deal with whatever comes afterwards. You should remember that the very reason why you have this column in the first place is because people want to hear your view on these things. Your job is to just speak from your heart, not to say things because you think that’s what they want to hear because honestly, what they want to hear is what you really think.’

Sighing, you went to your online column, clicking on your latest post.

Like you said, you were on a path to reconnect, and whatever this is, wasn’t helping. Reading the words you’d written, it felt as though you were looking through someone else’s lens, like Johnny had said before. Perhaps you would’ve been satisfied with this post, but only if you were looking at it from the perspective of the people who posted the nasty comments in the forum.

In your lens, the words didn’t align with you at all.

You deleted the post, returned to Suhnny Side Up’s submission, and you started again.

===

Moon Tael 3:20pm - you’re ending work soon, right?- 3:20pm - can you get some beer on the way back? we only have wine at home- 3:20pm -i asked Johnny to get it but he forgot-

You were beyond tired. You spent the rest of your time in your office trying to rewrite your article, and though you were satisfied with what you’d written so far, that didn’t mean you weren’t extremely tired from tapping into that part of your feelings and your energy as you wrote.

Walking slowly on your way from the office, lugging the heavy bag of all the beer you bought, you couldn’t help the little pull you felt to enter The Commune again.

This time, staring at the same two photos. You couldn’t help but sigh, staring at the pictures and trying to place the feelings it stirred within you.

You thought about what that stranger had told you the last time you were here, that everybody saw your photo as what they wanted to see it as. It was only limited to what you wanted it to be limited to.

You looked at the photo of you. This time, there were no feelings of frustration at the shadows, at the hidden nature of everything, at the distance you felt from the girl in the picture. Instead, you felt a strange sense of comfort.

Comfort at the knowledge that you had to be her back then, so that you could be yourself now. Neither you nor her was more important than the other. You guessed, when you had grown so used to trying to look at yourself through the perspective of strangers, the distance felt stronger, the sense of not knowing, the parts of you you tried to hide and keep hidden felt stronger.

It was like you said before, there was a feeling of a fog slowly being lifted, now you were left with a cold mist that lingered, but wasn’t as unpleasant as you expected.

You were looking at yourself. The imperfect, distracted, naive self, but you didn’t find yourself thinking of ways she was so foolish, or ways she could have been better, or pleased others more. You delighted in her.

Sighing, you turned around, making your way down the street and continuing on your way home.

Johnny was still cooking with Taeil in the kitchen when you’d reached the apartment, greeting them with hums of acknowledgement as you unloaded the cans of beer into the fridge.

“What time’s dinner gonna be ready?” You asked Johnny, earning a shrug in response, his gaze still fixed on the ingredients on his chopping board.

Frowning at his response, you tried again “What are you making?”

“Food,” Johnny grunted, still not looking at you.

You glanced at Taeil, eyebrows raising in question.

Taeil shook his head, sensing your annoyance as his hands came up to grasp at your shoulders and usher you out of the kitchen, his voice dropping to a whisper so Johnny wouldn’t hear.  

“He’s in a mood… I think. Not really angry but really sulky. Do you have any idea why?”

You thought back to what Yeri had said, giving Taeil a shrug.

“No idea. Apparently he was like that at work, too,” you hummed, “whatever, I’m gonna go take a shower.”

You’d wanted to help in the kitchen after you finished showering, and you guessed it wasn’t that bad since it was just Taeil doing all the last preparations while Johnny went to shower.

Dinner was when you finally found out what was bothering him.

The three of you sat at the dining table, you next to Taeil and Johnny in the seat facing Taeil.

“We haven’t had a Thanksgiving dinner in a while, huh,” Taeil huffed, “But I think it’s a nice change, to have it in a small cozy group this year.”

Taeil glanced at Johnny, who was now staring at you with an intense look on his face, as if he would have an outburst at any second, and you who was looking back at him with a confused look that bordered on annoyance. Taeil wondered if this was how your mom felt in the past when you and Taeil were mad at each other.

Furrowing your eyebrows, you tore your gaze away from Johnny, mustering a tight-lipped smile.

“I guess we can do what we did last time and each say something we’re thankful for?” You suggested, “I can go first, I guess. I’m thankful for…” you glanced at the food, then at Taeil, then to Johnny who was still wearing that unreadable expression on his face.

“I’m thankful that we get to celebrate thanksgiving again with Johnny this year,” you pressed your lips into a firm line, taking a sip of your water just to soothe your embarrassment.

Taeil grunted, amused to say the least, “I’m thankful for the new apartment, and also… yeah, for friends and family.”

A pause followed, Johnny bringing his wine glass to his lips and taking a long sip.

“I’m thankful for friends and family too,” he murmured finally, and Taeil took that as the cue to start eating, the dinner being filled with the sound of clinking metal against glass instead of chatter like it would’ve usually been.

Majority of your dinner was spent talking to Taeil, Johnny remaining relatively quiet aside from the hums and ‘yeah’s that would leave him every now and then. You had a feeling by this point that it most definitely wasn’t work that was upsetting him.

It was after dinner, when Taeil had stepped out for a work call in his room, and you had offered to help Johnny clean up that he finally addressed you directly.

“Did you mean what you said?” he asked, blurting it out as if it was something he’d been waiting all this while to ask (which, in truth, it was).

You looked at him, halting momentarily as you worked on drying the dishes he’d already washed.

“I say a lot of things,” you huffed, almost retreating when you saw how he didn’t seem to find it as funny as you did, “What are you referring to?”

He let out a sigh through his nose.

“Your reply. The one you posted this morning.”

“Oh.”

He nodded, “Yeah.”

Your eyebrows furrowed, shrugging off your unsettled feeling in dismissal, “Why are you asking?”

Johnny let out a deep sigh through his nose, “I don’t know. If you did, just tell me. I’ll understand.”

You huffed, still trying to dance around his question, “Does it matter?”

“I’m sure Season doesn’t pay you to lie,” he quipped, his tone bordering on bitter.

“Yeah, well, lying seems to have been paying me pretty well.”

“Y/N,” his tone was dismayed, managing to annoy you in the moment.

“What, Johnny? I’ve put out tons of replies in the last year that I don’t actually mean and you know that.”

“Which is why I’m asking you if you meant what you said in this morning’s one,” he repeated, his tone calm even in spite of the look on his face.

Your reply came just as quickly, feeling as though you had to defend yourself because you knew you didn’t mean it, and you knew what that meant in the context of your situation.

“And I’m saying it doesn’t matter.”

Johnny frowned, “What are you talking about? Of course it matters, it’s your column.”

You let out a deep sigh through your nose, setting the dry dish onto the rack and picking up the one Johnny had just finished washing, “Well, you’d be surprised how many people act like it’s theirs. People take what I say so seriously…I can’t just say whatever I want, you know?”

Johnny turned to look at you, “No, Y/N, they take your advice seriously because you say whatever you want.”

You frowned, “Was this why you were upset the whole day? Because of what I posted?”

Johnny huffed, seeming just as exasperated as you were.

“I wasn’t upset, I was… shocked. And confused. Both,” he huffed, “I just couldn’t wrap my head around why you said that. And I was trying so hard to understand. But was it really wrong to feel that way? Was it wrong to still feel that way after separation?” his frown deepened.

“Was it wrong of… him that he still felt that way even though she was different now? Because you made it seem like it was… and I was frustrated because you-” he stopped himself, shaking his head, “you made it sound like it was hopeless to begin with.  As if she didn’t deserve patience. That you can try all you want but it just ‘won’t end well’.” He brought his fingers up in quotation marks, recalling what you’d written.

You held his gaze for what seemed like the longest time, turning back to the dish you were drying.

“I took it down already, okay? I didn’t mean it. I just said what I said because I thought that’s what the readers wanted to hear, okay? Happy? Now will you get off my back?” you huffed, more annoyed because you knew he was right, and that perhaps you needed to hear it especially from him.

“You’re so upset, it’s not as if you were the one that sent in the ask,” you commented, not having expected the silence that followed.

You were expecting a sarcastic comment, or a witty remark, not the tense, pregnant silence.

You were probably jumping to conclusions, weren’t you? Then again, the more your mind raced, the more Suhnny Side Up sounded like it could’ve been one of Johnny’s old myspace usernames, the similarities between their stories and your situation with Johnny. You couldn’t come to terms with it quite yet, though. Suhnny Side Up said he loved his best friend’s sister, a word Johnny had never uttered to you, or anyone, for that matter, for the longest time.

Turning to Johnny, you set the dish down, the sound of the running water from the faucet louder than anything as your hand hesitated to touch his forearm, settling for resting it on the counter in a clenched fist.

“It’s not you... right?”

Johnny turned off the faucet, taking the dishcloth from your other hand as he dried the last dish on his own, a sigh leaving him.

Trust Johnny to choose now to try to make things lighthearted.

“Remember?” he huffed, “You told me to ‘Ask Moony’ you if it was urgent.”

Your lips parted, as if you were reaching around in your brain for the right words.

“I was just being rude, you know.”

He gave you a small smile, though it didn’t beam like it usually did, “I know.”

“Did you mean what you said, then? In all those letters?” you asked, waiting with bated breath as though you didn’t know that Johnny was always genuine with you. And no matter how long had passed, that didn’t seem like it was ever going to change.

Johnny set the cloth down next to the sink, his gaze flickering to your neck, once again reaching over to bring the pendant from the back of your neck to the front, the pad of his thumb smoothing over the pendant before he met your gaze again.

Nodding at you, he let his hands go back to his sides, “Every word.”

“I’m sorry I was sulky for the whole dinner,” he sighed, bringing one hand across his chest to grasp his other shoulder, “I just… needed to know if that was how you really felt. ‘Cause, well, I meant what I said when I told you I'd understand if you decided you didn’t wanna try again… I just guess I thought things were different, that… you know, that they were looking up.”

You inhaled deeply, letting it out in a sigh.

“I need to… do my work,” you knew that was no excuse, but it would have to suffice for now, “I’m sorry. We’re definitely going to talk about this soon, just… not yet. I just need to… get things sorted out.”  

Johnny nodded, “It’s okay, I get it.”

Nodding, you left the kitchen, trying to ignore the way the warmth of his touch lingered at your neck as you returned to your submissions sent in by Suhnny Side Up, rereading it but with a new perspective.

That first thanksgiving dinner, memories of when Johnny would come to your house and you’d feel too intimidated to even say more than ‘hi’ until he started a conversation with you about putting salt in your coke. How Taeil would always nag at you for being unfocused be it while playing games or doing your work and Johnny would simply smile and shake his head, reassuring you that it wasn’t a bad thing. How he would remain neutral and friendly when he joined your family for dinners and your parents would talk about how you helped your friends so much you forgot to care for yourself. And he would dismiss it in front of your parents, insisting he was the same even though everyone knew he wasn’t and he’d wait till it was just the two of you lying on his mom’s old picnic mat under the olive tree in his garden to tell you what a sweet girl you were.

Ever since he came back, you experienced arguments with him, tense moments filled with annoyance, reality checks, none of which were a common occurrence when you and Johnny were getting to know each other in college. But one thing you were sure of now was that although it was different, it was honest. It was good.

Johnny to you, you were realising a little belatedly, was a reminder that love, when dealt with honestly and sincerely, was grace. A grace you needed to receive and give to yourself especially now. A grace that, perhaps, you were finally ready to stop avoiding.

===

“Little birdie told me you and John Seo are fucking.”

You sputtered around your mouthful of tea, choking as you forced the rest of your drink down in a swallow, wincing as you plugged your nose, afraid that your tea would’ve left your body from there if you weren’t careful.

Giving Chenle a glare, you glanced at the intern Jisung who was sitting next to him.

“Language. There are children present,” your tone was pointed, earning a smile from Jisung.

Chenle rolled his eyes, “Answer the question, Moony.”

“Whoever your ‘little birdie’ is,” you gave Chenle a pointed glare, “they’re wrong,” you huffed, regaining your composure as you continued to focus on your food.

Jisung seemed to look just as much in disbelief as Chenle, both of them staring you down curiously (Jisung’s stare considerably less menacing, you were a senior in the workplace, after all).

“Oh yeah? Did you see how he was looking at you during the morning meeting?” Chenle spoke confidently, as though he were just waiting for you to confess.

Rolling your eyes, you tried to mask your curiosity as you dismissed his suspicions.

“That doesn’t mean anything more than…” you thought hard for the term, “active listening.”

Jisung frowned, his nose scrunching as he analysed you and Johnny’s Christmas date idea video on his phone while Chenle continued to push you.

“Fine, maybe he’s a good listener, I’ll give you that. But my little birdie said they saw you going to his apartment too. How do you explain that?”

“Your little birdie deserves a restraining orde—”

“Stop trying to avoid my question,” Chenle’s eyes widened, his tone raising in insistence, earning a small touch on the forearm from Jisung.

“Shh, I’m trying to focus over here.”

Your frown deepened, huffing, “He lives with Taeil, I was just… visiting Taeil after work.”

Jisung tilted his head at Chenle in confusion, “I thought you said she’s staying with Taeil ‘cause her building’s under renovation.”

Chenle narrowed his eyes at you, “Precisely.”

Your lips parted, setting your spoon down to focus your stare on him. “Fine, we’re all staying together. So what?”

You should’ve known better than to think Chenle was sweet (or afraid) enough like Jisung to have let it go.

Leaning back in his seat with a loud sigh, a bright grin on his face, “Well if that’s the case you could’ve just said so! What’s with all the hiding and lying, huh?” he leaned forward, a too-mischievous glint in his gaze, “Now, you’ve reallygot me thinking you guys are fuc—”

“We’re not, okay?” you tried to tell him as firmly as you could, glancing at Jisung as if in desperation for him to believe you and convince his stubborn friend, “And don’t you dare ask him about it either.” God knows what Johnny would end up telling them.

Jisung nodded, wide eyed.

“I don’t know about you, dude,” Jisung told Chenle, turning back to you, “but I definitely won’t. I learnt it the hard way when I saw Jaemin ask him if he had anything going on with you. He just turned it around on Jaemin and made it seem like Jaemin was the one with a crush on Y/N.”

You couldn’t help the laugh that left you, knowing very well Johnny’s way with words in flustering someone.

“Isn’t that true, though? Jaemin’s kind of whipped,” Chenle pursed his lips, poorly hiding his amusement.

“God knows, but it’s probably true,” Jisung shrugged, giving you a hard stare, his lips pressed into a tight line.

“If you did have something going on with him, mad respect to you,” Jisung shuddered, “that guy scares the shit out of me.”

You shot him a look, “He’s not that bad,” you insisted, earning a knowing look from Chenle.

“Anyway, just so you know, my ‘little birdie’ is a big mouth so they’ve got everyone speculating. I’d just be a little careful if I were you,” Chenle advised, giving you a shrug, “Well, unless you want them to think something’s up.”

“Shut up, Chenle.”

“What? I’m just saying.”

You didn’t think he was actually being serious, thinking it was just harmless gossip (but you should’ve known better, considering Chenle took his gossip seriously), until you and Chenle were at your desk talking to Doyoung who had just finished a meeting with Mrs Kang, hearing the chatter of your department quieten down considerably. Turning your head to see if it was because Mrs Kang had come out of her office, you were met with the sight of Johnny instead, who was making his way over to you with none other than your jacket in his hands.  

“Oh, hey,” Chenle waved, a very delighted grin on his face, earning a smile from Johnny, who shoved his phone back in his pocket, his ID hanging from one of his belt loops as he strolled over.

“Hey,” Johnny greeted, “figured you might need this.” He held the jacket up, proceeding to take the liberty of draping it over the back of your chair.

Doyoung eyed you carefully, a hint of amusement in his smirk as he sipped on his hot chocolate, exchanging a look with Chenle that made you think the little birdie was the middle-aged gossipy aunt in the body of a tall 29-year-old social media specialist leaning against your desk.

You gave him a nod, hoping Chenle wouldn’t make things more awkward after his lunch conversation.

“Oh, you gave her a ride to work?” Chenle planted another mine carefully, earning a tilt of the head from Johnny, who gave Chenle a knowing look.

“Why? Jealous I didn't offer you one too?”

Chenle’s smile grew, understanding what Jisung meant now as he shook his head in dismissal, “Oh, no, no. Not at all. Just… you know… wondering.”

You cast a glare in Chenle’s direction, muttering a small word of thanks to Johnny, somehow not as unnerved by the stares you were getting from the people at other desks who were poorly covering up their attempts at eavesdropping, some of them looking close to falling out of their chairs.

“Mrs Kang says she wants to meet us at two, by the way. But I told her four was a bit better for me. Are you okay with that? If not, I can shift my stuff around and meet her at two.”

You shook your head, “No, no. Four is fine.”

Johnny gave you a small smile, nodding, “Alright, see you then.” He bid Doyoung and Chenle goodbye with nods before he’d left.

“That was… interesting,” Doyoung drawled once Johnny was in the lift lobby, earning a snicker from Chenle.

“Very.”

“What’s so interesting about that?” you laughed, “He just came to hand me my jacket.”

Doyoung shrugged.

“No, just… considering his office is all the way at the other side of the compound… but I won’t judge, of course,” Doyoung sipped his drink slowly, “I guess he could’ve just been out for a walk.”

Chenle nodded, smiling as he continued to give you that knowing look, “Uh-huh. A random mid-day walk in his busy schedule instead of just texting you about the meeting and handing you the jacket during your meeting with that woman.”

You rolled your eyes, taking a long sip of your water.

“You guys make this seem like a bigger deal than it actually is.”

Doyoung made a strangled sound of protest.

“No, but that’s because it is. Do you have any idea the number of people in our office who have tried hitting on him since he came here? And he’s like… immune. He even rejected Juyeon,” Doyoung’s tone was incredulous, and maybe even slightly offended, “But then here he is trying to hit on someone who’s like a pesticide for love.”

You scoffed, “That’s rude. I’m not a pesticide.”

Chenle grinned, “So, you agree that he’s trying to hit on you?”

Groaning, you waved the two boys off, “Okay, leave me alone, please. I’d like to get some work done before meeting Mrs Kang.”

Huffing in amusement, Doyoung got up from your desk, shaking his head as he gave you a pat on the shoulder, walking out ahead of Chenle, who turned his back to get in a last word before he left.

“Just saying, if you’re actually seeing him. I deserve to know first. You know, as your work wife.”

You couldn’t help your smile, nodding extra patronisingly for him, “Yeah, yeah, whatever, Chenle.” 

===

“Excellent work on the latest video, by the way. Doyoung told me it’s being received very well,” Mrs Kang smiled at Johnny while your leg bounced anxiously in your seat next to him in her office.

“Thank you, Mrs Kang, we had a lot of fun filming it,” Johnny gave her a warm smile and you could see the way it made her blush.

“And it showed very nicely. You know, I always say, we humans are social beings, we crave connection, even if it’s through a screen,” she smiled, Johnny nodding intently even though it wasn’t the first time she was saying this. And it definitely wasn’t your first time hearing it either.

“Y/N, I wanted to also say that it was good on your part to have reuploaded your post from last week. I much prefer your authentic voice. It was almost as though I’d forgotten what it sounded like, but when I read your recent work again, it’s becoming clearer, defined in a way that it wasn’t before. So, good work on that, keep it up.”

You nodded, averting your gaze to your hands briefly. As much as you struggled with Mrs Kang sometimes, you couldn’t deny that her words had resonated particularly with you now that you were practicing how to step into your confidence.

“Thank you, Mrs Kang.”

“I’m sure John agrees, right?”

Your eyes widened, a forced laugh leaving you, “Oh, we shouldn’t drag him into this, right—”

“No, no, humour me. John, you mentioned before that you enjoyed reading Y/N’s column. Was there any article that you took a particular liking to? A favourite, even?”

You grimaced, unsure how Johnny would respond, figuring he would give a generic answer. After all, it wasn’t as if communication between the two of you for the past week had been anything further than awkward greetings or tense looks exchanged during meetings or at the coffee table.

“Personally… it was the article on ‘How to Give Yourself Grace’.”

Your eyebrows furrowed. You knew how Season’s website navigation was, he would’ve really had to sift through all your articles to have found that one. Even you yourself had almost forgotten all about it.

Mrs Kang smiled, folding her arms on her desk and crossing her legs.

“And why that one in particular?” she hummed.

Johnny glanced at you, then back at Mrs Kang, “Well, because… it was very… her.”

Mrs Kang turned to you with a knowing look.

“Need I say more?” she drawled, earning a small smile from you.

“Anyway, John, we can continue our discussion on your contract once your lawyer arrives. Y/N, dear, you’re free to go,” she told you, and you wasted no time to stand up, thanking her again before you exited the room.

Returning to your desk, you couldn’t help but let your fingers click around on your computer until you were neck-deep in your archive, fishing out the first full write-up you’d done in your time at Season. The article Johnny was referring to just now, ‘How to Give Yourself Grace’.

You were mentally prepared to face the little intrusive jabs writers tended to receive when they re-read their work (especially their old work). Jabs like ‘what was I thinking when I wrote this?’ or ‘I could’ve phrased this better’ or ‘why did I think this was poetic genius back then?’ or maybe even the overwhelming urge to wipe any trace of it clean from the earth.

But none of that came.

Instead, what greeted you was an overwhelming sense of familiarity. A foreign feeling, ironically but there was no other way to put it. You were proud of yourself, something you don’t think you ever stopped to feel since you graduated from college and started ‘chasing’. Sure, your work wasn’t extravagant, was kept simple in terms of vocabulary, had analogies and metaphors that were all-too-specific to your life, was written in a period of your life where you’d been having writer’s block for half a year. But it was yours. You recognized yourself and all your mess in your words and that was enough reason for you to be proud. No hatred, no overwhelming urge to resist or to cringe in embarrassment, just that little weighted yet freeing feeling of grace.

Different, new, but good.

That evening as you were getting off work, tired but satisfied from the time you’d stayed back to finish up the editing on your post, you got a text from Taeil saying that there were leftovers in the fridge and for you to ask Johnny if you needed a ride home.

You were walking aimlessly, rolling the little rock candy you’d stolen from the reception in your mouth as you soaked in your environment. The sound of laughter and chatter from the diners and restaurants you would walk past, live music echoing out of the heavy doors of a bar whenever people opened the doors to escape for a smoke, little children asleep in their parents arms and strollers, the rustling of trees and leaves against the ground, blowing against your face soothingly.

Glancing around, you saw the sign before you realised why the place seemed so familiar, your feet almost leading you inside the building out of sheer muscle memory. The Commune.  

Heading inside, you let yourself be led to the exhibit you’d grown rather attached to, the familiar words of Sunflower Avenue on the wall eliciting a sigh from you.

“Today’s the last day,” the security guard had told you at the reception, recognizing you from your many trips here.

“Oh,” you hummed, earning a nod from the elderly man, “I would say I’m glad, honestly. The amount of rich people who’ve come here asking to buy the pieces… and they’d get so upset when the photographer told them no.”

“He told them no?” you frowned, earning a look from the security guard that showed his shared sentiments.

“Yeah. Said they were personal, or something like that.”

You nodded slowly, letting him give you your entrance sticker which you’d pasted on your shoulder mindlessly.

“I see… thanks,” you gave him a nod, earning a smile from him before you’d made your way into the exhibition once again.

It was like saying goodbye, somehow, as you made your way through every segment of the exhibit, spending enough time in each area and noticing things you hadn’t noticed the last few times you were here.

Walking out of the room after you were done watching the video loop, you took your time looking at the photos, recognizing the photos now as you walked. Somehow, you were with him in the photos, looking at the view you’d saved in your head that was unlike anything his camera lens could’ve captured. The view of the family on the beach watching the sunset. Strangers wouldn’t have known what it was like to have been there, they wouldn’t have known it was actually a sunrise instead of a sunset, how tired you were from the night of studying you’d been through before Johnny decided to bring you to the beach as a reward, the two of you sitting on the trunk of his car eating whatever you could find in the convenience store that would satisfy you at five in the morning. They wouldn’t have seen how the rest of the beach was void of people, abandoned sandcastles in the sand or stray slippers someone had probably lost the day before. That was your view, for your eyes only, saved in your memory more vividly than you expected.

You let yourself stop once again before the two pictures that had accompanied you for the past few weeks, the last of the fog seeming to lift from the memories. Only you would’ve known what it felt like to be in that moment, looking at the boy you love through the dark tinted glass of his favourite café, or looking at him through the lens of his camera, the feeling of one of his hands on your thigh to steady you as you knelt over him, to see his hand reaching out towards you, not to grab the camera, but to run his fingers through your hair. To hear his laugh, and experience all that followed. That was your view. Not even Johnny would’ve known what that felt like, even now as you looked at the photos, the grounding feeling of being present here and not wishing that you were somewhere else, not feeling anxious about how much time you were wasting. Simply put, grace.

Tearing your gaze away from the photo, you reached into your bag, about to pull out your phone when you frowned as your fingers hadn’t come into contact with the cold screen.

Shoving your bag open, you fished around for your phone, pushing items around till you saw an envelope tucked between your planner and your ipad, in such a way that reminded you of your old textbook.

Pulling it out from your bag, you wondered if it was a bill you’d meant to open, or a letter you’d meant to mail out but forgot, only realising what it was when you saw the familiar handwriting from the walls around you printed on the envelope, spelling out your name.

Tearing it open, you pulled out the paper, an amused huff leaving you when you realised it was a stolen page from one of Taeil’s legal pads.

‘Y/N, I don’t know when you’ll find this, but I wrote this on Wednesday (1st Dec), just so you know how long this has been sitting in your bag. You should really clean out your bag more often if you’re finding this a long time after Wednesday. I know you won’t open this till you know you’re ready to, so I guess I’ll just start. Honestly, I know what I said back then and I know what I told you. I know I told you you deserve nothing short of the best, and I still stand by that. But best is subjective, and I'm sure we both know that. What was good for us back then may not be what’s good for us now. I know for a fact that I needed time to grow, and time to realise why the idea of having to leave indefinitely scared me so much. I know now that it was because the thought of missing you and not being able to do anything about it seemed like the most unbearable thing in the world. 

I don’t know what I was expecting when I came back. More than anything, I just hoped that you were doing okay like Taeil always said you were. I realised soon enough that he just said that so I wouldn’t worry like I did when I saw you as anxious, hardened, hurt, tired and frustrated as you were.

But with that being said, like you’ve changed, so have I. Every city I lived in, every person I met in the time that I was away, I learned more and more about how much more honest I should’ve been with you, how much more I realised that whatever I felt for you didn’t seem to go away, as if it was always part of my plan to return to you, the permanence i was hoping for. One thing I know for sure that hasn’t changed is that I care for you. I care for you still, and I will forever. Distance and time have shown me that much. And that I want you to be happy, and know that you have people around you who love and support you, including me. Especially me. And if you’ll let me, I want to continue doing that.

I don’t want to have to hide how I feel behind anonymous letters, or keep holding back from showing that I care just because of what other people might think. I don’t want to spend half the time caring for you and the other half trying to hide how much I do. If anything, I hope they know I care for you and that you mean a lot to me, if that means they’ll realise you have needs too and you deserve to be cared for. But like I said, I don’t wish to hide that from you anymore, even though I’m sure I've been doing a shit job at hiding it. So, if you’re willing, I need to tell you something. I need you to hear it straight from me. Only when you’re ready.

But fair warning, it’s probably going to be the worst thing you’ve ever heard.

Sincerely, Your one and only, Johnny.’

The warmth in your eyes had drawn you back to your surroundings, the lump in your throat and the strong thumping of your heart as you pulled your phone out, swiping over to Johnny’s phone number.

9:31pm - are you busy? -

The speed of his reply made you huff.

Johnny 9:31pm - no, what happened? -

You inhaled deeply.

9:31pm - meet me at the rooftop of the commune -

Making your way to the rooftop, you almost laughed at the sight of the sunflower beds that decorated the floor, as if you were asking him to meet you at your new makeshift Sunflower Avenue. You walked down the pebbled walkways leading to comfortable-looking benches next to the balcony, the height of the building revealing the breathtaking sight of the city lights at this time of the night.

Taking deep breaths, tugging your jacket tighter around yourself and breathing in the familiar scent of Johnny’s car that lingered on it, you waited until you heard the elevator ding, doors opening for Johnny to walk out wearing a long cardigan thrown over his big shirt and sweatpants, head turning and scanning the area until he spotted you, making his way over to you.

The two of you stayed in silence as he made his way closer to you, tucking his phone back into his pocket.

“I decided which photo is my favourite,” you finally spoke, seeing a smile grace his features, taking another step closer to you, but not too close that he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from reaching over to hug you.

“Did you call me here to tell me that?”

You smiled, suddenly feeling shy in his presence. You shook your head, pausing before nodding.

“No. But I feel like I need to tell you, anyway. It’s the one I took.”

Johnny’s eyes were practically sparkling under the warm light of the rooftop, like a sunflower amongst sunflowers.

“Why was that your favourite?” curiosity laden in his tone, he tilted his head at you.

You let out a breath you didn’t realise you were holding.

“Because it’s mine,” you told him, heavy implication behind your words as you watched Johnny’s smile grow, the purest you’d seen in a long time.

“I called you here because… I read your letter,” you admitted, seeing his eyebrows raise slightly, nodding at you in understanding.

“Are you ready to hear it, then?” he prompted, earning a nod from you, grounding yourself in the feeling of the pebbles under your shoes, the breeze that almost enveloped the both of you, the smell of the sunflowers all around you, the warmth that radiated from his smile.

“Is it bad news?” you murmured, your tone almost teasing.

He nodded.

“The worst,” he told you.

“The worst?” you echoed, somehow not feeling the same anxiety you once associated with the words, all you felt now was the light thrumming of anticipation in your heart.

“That you’ll ever hear.”

Johnny took a step closer so he stood before you, daring himself to reach out and grasp your hands gently in his, your cold hands welcoming the warmth from his hands gladly.

His eyes widened, almost cursing as a small huff of laughter left him, “Ice hands.”

You huffed, your smile growing as he looked at you.

“What is it?” you murmured, taking your own step forward as Johnny warmed your hands in his, rubbing the back of your hands in repetitive motions.

Johnny dipped his head down just a little, his hair falling over his eyes slightly as he inhaled deeply, mustering his courage to utter words that seemed so foreign to him when spoken out loud but so familiar in his heart.

“I love you.”

Again, chiming like bells, All at once, one after the other, ringing in your ears as if they were calling you. Commanding your attention. Though this time, the longer you looked at him, the ringing had started to subside, fading off into a soft echo, like windchimes.

The smile you gave him was all he needed, feeling your hands come up to cup his face, your thumbs smoothing over his cheeks that were dusted pink.

You dared yourself to tiptoe, pressing gentle kisses on his cheek, then on his forehead, on his nose, the sight of his childlike smile making your heart warm, his hands finding their way to your waist, steadying you. With each kiss, Johnny felt his heart grow even warmer, a newness to the feeling that he wanted nothing more than to stay in forever.

He was right, you thought, about what was good for you now being different from back then. You were reminded again, now, that what you and Johnny were dealing with now wasn’t the anxiety of sneaking around, or trying to hide behind any other reason you were feeling how you were instead of admitting that it was love in all you had both learned and discovered it to be. This time, it was honest, and it was almost transparent as you looked in his eyes and saw nothing but love, the almost golden glow of hazel in his eyes from the warm light of the little lamps around you.

You barely registered your own murmur of love, a declaration of your own, watching his smile grow, beaming. 

“I don’t…” you began, shaking your head, “I don’t want to keep you a secret anymore.”

Johnny smiled, nodding firmly.

“Good,” he leaned closer, pressing a kiss to your cheek, his lips close to your ear, “neither do I.”

Pulling back slightly, you leaned forward to close the gap between your lips, letting that familiar feeling of grace overwhelm you and encase you and creep into your heart to set its roots there. The feeling of Johnny deepening the kiss, desperate yet delicate, the feeling was foreign, but it was him unlike you’ve ever experienced before. And you knew that very well, his hands pulling you closer to him so much you were almost lifted off your feet, his other hand coming up to place itself between your shoulder blades, as if trying to find any way that would allow him to feel more of you, to have you even closer to him.

Pulling apart from the kiss first, Johnny almost found himself following your lips, a huff of amusement leaving him as he rested his forehead against yours, opening his eyes slowly, his hands still touching your face.

“I love you, my sweet girl,” he whispered, pressing a long gentle kiss to your forehead, to your nose, to your cheeks, pulling you into a hug and feeling another kiss on the top of your head, letting him envelop you with warmth as you stayed like that for as long as you wanted.

After what felt like forever, though not long enough, you heard the chime of a text tone echoing from your pocket, Johnny’s eyes widening in realisation.

“Who’s that?”

Your face stayed pressed against him, “Don’t care,” your voice muffled by his clothing, “probably Taeil asking me to get you to send me home. Or Chenle, he thinks we’re together.”

Johnny huffed, smiling before his eyes widened in realisation.

“Oh yeah, Taeil knows, by the way.”

Your eyes widened, pulling your head away from him to look at him with wide eyes, his hands almost instinctively going up to cup your face as he grinned, watching you scrunch your eyes shut in a wince, laughter bubbling out from you in spite of your shock.

“God, tomorrow is gonna be a long day.”

===

“Sweetheart, can I come in?” you heard Johnny knock on the door of your shared bedroom, “I wanna show you to my kids, a lot of them read ‘Ask Moony’.”

You glanced down at your laptop, “No, I’m not wearing pants,” you called out, holding your laptop up with one hand as you tugged your blanket higher over your body, just in case he barged in.

You should’ve known better than to think Johnny would let you off, hearing his giggle as he opened the door, giggling at the sight of him in his proper dress shirt and duck-print boxers.

“Nothing I’ve never seen before,” he smirked, oblivious to the way his chatbox was going crazy because he hadn’t realised he was very much not on mute.

“Are you muted?” you asked, earning a nod from him.

“Yeah, yeah, don’t worry, I’ll just show your face, okay?” He was already getting on the bed, scooching over so he was next to you. You spotted your faces in the little window on his screen, the many faces of his students on the screen as you mustered a smile.

“Johnny you weren’t muted—”

“Alright guys, this is Moony! See? Told y’all I wasn’t lying when I said I knew her.”

“I hope you don’t spend more time talking about me than actually teaching.”

Johnny waved you off, shrugging, “I established a good ratio.”

You saw the messages from his students coming in faster than you could process them.

‘He always brags about you’ ‘the videos you did on season were so cute!’ ‘John, is she your girlfriend?’ ‘Seems like you know her REALLY well’ ‘Are you guys married?’

“Okay, that’s enough. We’re almost done with our break, go get your drinks or whatever you need to settle down before we start again,” Johnny angled his camera away from your faces to give you a kiss before he’d gotten up from the bed with a grunt.

“Thanks, sweetheart.”

He exited the room quickly, shutting the door behind him and going back to the guest room you’d converted into an office workspace, setting himself down back at the desk, looking at the chat box as he sipped on his cup of coffee, a hum leaving him.

“Okay… you guys are very distracted, right now…” he nodded, his gaze still scanning the messages, “I understand, these things can happen… but c’mon, I wanna talk about the assignment, man!”

[tillidontneedfantasy]

A Track-by-Track Breakdown of Taylor Swift’s 9th Studio Album: ‘evermore’

“My collaborators and I are proud to announce that my 9th studio album and folklore’s sister record is here. It’s called evermore,” is how Taylor Swift introduces us to this album in its foreword. One might assume a “sister record” would entail b-sides, or tracks that didn’t quite make the cut for folklore, despite Taylor’s explanation that “we just couldn’t stop writing songs.” evermore’s release came at a strange time, upon the heels of the Folklore: Long Pond Studio Sessions film on Disney+, as well as 5 Grammy nominations for folklore. The world still captivated by folklore, it’s understandable why one might not consume evermore as critically. Even as a die-hard fan, I felt some whiplash by this announcement; I am still processing folklore! Hell, I’m still processing reputation!

If this was the Taylor from two years ago, this may have been a big enough fear of hers to hold off on releasing evermore. But as she explained upon folklore’s surprise release, life is too unpredictable now, and there are zero givens or guarantees. So she followed the same path this time (although making sure it fell in line with her birthday weekend). But it’s not just the strategic timing of the release that she’s thrown out the window for now, but also her mindset whilst making records. As she explains in the evermore album foreword,

“I’ve never done this before. In the past I’ve always treated albums as one-off eras and moved onto planning the next one as soon as an album was released. There was something different with folklore. In making it, I felt less like I was departing and more like I was returning. I loved the escapism I found in these imaginary/not imaginary tales. I loved the ways you welcomed the dreamscapes and tragedies and epic tales of love lost and found. So I just kept writing them.”

This is a revelation for Swift, to let the music lead her into artistic freedom, which is what makes evermore such a triumphant return. Truly folklore’s sister record, Taylor wrote evermore with the same creative team: Aaron Dessner of The National (Swift’s favorite band), long-time pal and collaborator Jack Antonoff, Justin Vernon of Bon Iver, and William Bowery aka Swift’s boyfriend, Joe Alwyn (as officially revealed in the Long Pond Studio Sessions). Additionally, former 1989 tour openers and close friends of Taylor, the HAIM sisters, join the crew, along with Marcus Mumford for some dreamy backup vocals.

The production is just as wistful and mesmerizing as it was on folklore, yet the storytelling on evermore is kicked up a notch, expanding on the topics and worldbuilding established in its sister record, with even sharper lyrics and an effective and elaborate use of alliteration. The best thing about Taylor is that no matter what she does, her masterful lyricism is always at the heart of her art, and somehow, she keeps getting better. Once again, I wanted to explore the rich stories she’s crafted in this woodsy universe. This is how I’ve interpreted the album, but I hope you find your own meaning in the songs as well.

1. willow It is fitting that the opening track to folklore’s sister album, where we wade further into the forest that is Taylor Swift’s imagination and storytelling, would center on the type of tree that is a symbol of hope, belonging, safety, stability, and healing. “willow,” one of the few more obviously autobiographical tracks on the album, is a hymn of gratitude for her man (as she wants you to know, yes, thirteen times), Joe Alwyn, and how the invisible string tethering them together pulled her to him in a time when everyone else was counting her out. Though not as present on many of the other songs later to come on this record, you can feel the lightness in her heart on this song as she embraces the way in which the willow has bent, wrecking her plans, throwing her into the water and leaving her happily lost and afloat in his current. The downward key modulation throughout the last two repetitions of the chorus is beautiful and very fitting for Swift vocally, but also sounds like the feeling of finding your comfort and settling into it, basking it in while you wait for the next place the wind pulls you. Best lyric: “Now this is an open/shut case / I guess I should’ve known from the look on your face / Every bait and switch was a work of art.”

2. champagne problems On the second track of the album, Taylor dives back into the fictional worldbuilding she began to explore on folklore. While on folklore high school relationships and dramatics took center-stage, evermore graduates from adolescence to young adulthood, not that it is any easier emotionally on the listener’s heart. “champagne problems” chronicles a rejected marriage proposal between two college sweethearts at their old dorm building. Taylor sings as the narrator, a reflective, self-deprecating young woman who jokes about belonging in a madhouse and dismisses all her turmoil as champagne problems. The term ‘champagne problems’ itself could have various meanings here: their trivial concerns, the fact that their “sister splashed out on the bottle” of champagne that they will not be using to celebrate as they had hoped, or perhaps it could even hint that excessive drinking is a piece of all the ways the narrator is “fucked in the head,” as they said. Although the person she is singing to is the one who got hurt in the story, the hurt in the narrator’s heart is just as palpable and relatable, because you only have yourself to blame when you self-destruct. Best lyric: “’She would’ve made such a lovely bride, / what a shame she’s fucked in the head,’ they said / but you’ll find the real thing instead / she’ll patch up your tapestry that I shred.”

3. gold rush On her YouTube live chat prior to the album’s release, Taylor explained that this song “takes place inside a single daydream where you get lost in thought for a minute and then snap out of it.” The daydream consists of a love story so pure that the town had never seen such a thing; it could only happen in a fantasy for the narrator. How could she possibly have the gall to call them out on their contrarian shit, or end up with her Eagles t-shirt hanging from their door, when they are so coveted by all, and when she cannot withstand the thought of even competing? She sings, “My mind turns your life into folklore / I can’t dare to dream about you anymore,” a sweet little connecting piece to this album’s older sister, effectively convincing herself out of the idea of jumping into the chaos of the gold rush because even inside her own imagination it’s too dangerous. Best lyric: “I don’t like that falling feels like flying ‘till the bone crush.”

4. ‘tis the damn season According to Aaron Dessner, Taylor had written the lyrics for “’tis the damn season” in the middle of the night amidst their Folklore: The Long Pond Studio Sessions recording after a long night of chatting and drinking with their co-conspirator, Jack Antonoff. The lyrics perfectly encapsulate the guttural ache the track evokes. It is a tale of two people who always find their way back to one another in their hometown, which acts as the ever-returning fork in the road. The path taken, back to L.A. in pursuit of her dreams, is the one she chose and continues to choose, but whenever she returns home, she takes a ride down the road not taken, just to get a taste of what could have been, even if just for the weekend. What starts off as an icy homecoming always transforms into the warmest intimacy. The success of this track is aligned with the success of Taylor’s entire career; even with such specific details, it feels so deeply personal to the listener. You know the street you’d drive along late at night laughing, the spot you’d park the car, the person who stars in every what-if. You will never really know if the road not taken is as good as it seems, but that might be ok; sometimes, the fantasy is better than the reality, anyway. Best lyric: “It’s the kind of cold / fogs up windshield glass, but I felt it when I passed you / There’s an ache in you / put there by the ache in me.”

5. tolerate it Inspired by the novel Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier, “tolerate it” is an agonizing track from the perspective of a devoted wife who polishes plates and paints portraits and waits by the door for her husband with a battle hero’s welcome, who at best tolerates all her adoration. There are few things as painful as idolization being met with indifference, when you have all this love to give to someone who just leaves it there untouched. “tolerate it” captures that desperation for the approval you know will never arrive, but you sit and watch, waiting for it just in case you’re wrong, but you know you’re not. Best lyric: “I made you my temple, my mural, my sky / now I’m begging for footnotes in the story of your life / drawing hearts in the byline”

6. no body, no crime feat. HAIM “no body, no crime,” the one evermore song solo-written by Taylor, has the clearest plot from beginning to end. In the same vein as the female powerhouse country classic “Goodbye Earl” by The Chicks, Taylor is out for blood to avenge her friend, Este (named for one of the HAIM sisters). The story goes as such: Este’s husband kills her for calling him out on his infidelity, and then Taylor kills the husband and frames his mistress. The HAIM girls, who are long-time friends of Taylor’s and former touring mates, lend their vocals to reinforce the accusation on the husband and to provide Taylor’s alibi. “no body, no crime” is so far the closest we’ve gotten to a return to “country Taylor,” proving that she is still the master of a killer country tune (yes, pun intended, it had to be done I’m sorry). Best lyric: “Good thing Este’s sister’s gonna swear she was with me / (she was with me, dude) / Good thing his mistress took out a big life insurance policy”

7. happiness Written a week before the album’s release, “happiness” is one of Swift’s strongest and most reflective breakup songs. Although she writes it as though it is recent, there’s a lot of power in knowing that she’s been happily in love for four years, and that she is even better now at doing the thing that has always been best at. She is finally “above the trees,” as she sings, and is able to see it all for what it is, but her character is still in the heat of it all, trying to navigate the stages of grief when a relationship ends. We see the narrator grapple with many of those stages throughout the song. Most striking is the anger displayed in the second verse when she sings: “I hope she’ll be a beautiful fool who takes my spot next to you / No, I didn’t mean that, / sorry, I can’t see facts through all of my fury.” That section is jarring and feels like one of the most honest moments in a Taylor song, the insanely difficult emotional balancing act when we are grieving a relationship. The devastation of loss can distort our perception, and a part of that is the difficulty of understanding how multiple seemingly opposing things can co-exist in our hearts, such as happiness because of someone and happiness after them. But when you leave it all behind and finally find your place above the trees, you can find happiness after someone and also look back and appreciate the happiness they once provided. Both of these things can be true. Best lyric: “Showed you all of my hiding spots / I was dancing when the music stopped.”

8. dorothea Taylor Swift has the uncanny ability to create such developed and well-rounded characters with such little information, which is what makes her storytelling so compelling. In “dorothea,” we learn much about the title character through the narrator’s eyes, and the relationship they once had. The lyric “skipping the prom just to piss off your mom and her pageant schemes” alone tells an entire story in itself. “dorothea” is also the companion song to “’tis the damn season,” just from the other person’s perspective, which helps shine even more light on the story. The narrator of “dorothea” reveres her but wonders if she’s still the same soul in L.A. as she was back in their never-changing town. Whatever the answer, they’re still willing to support her no matter where she is, but she’s always welcome back in Tupelo by her hometown love’s side if she ever just wants to be herself rather than someone known for who they know. Besides, they’re the only soul who can tell which smiles she’s faking. And you can always return to the road not taken. Best lyric: “They all wanna be ya / but are you still the same soul I met under the bleachers? / Well, I guess I’ll never know / and you’ll go on with the show.”

9. coney island feat. The National What really started the folklore / evermore journey was Taylor’s love for The National. Taylor has cited them as one of her favorite bands for many years, and as we know, this led to her beautiful new collaborative relationship with Aaron Dessner. So it would make sense for the track written with the intention of this duet to be so well executed; you can feel the love and care Taylor put into writing this song. In her press for these sister albums, she has spoken about trying to channel frontman Matt Berninger’s writing style. But what actually happened was she just produced her own signature lyricism at its sharpest. “We were like the mall before the internet, it was the one place to be / the mischief, the gift-wrapped suburban dreams / sorry for not winning you an arcade ring over and over,” is a hall of famer Swift-ian lyric. “coney island” explores the confusion, hurt, and self-reflection when a passionate affair burns out fast because you did not prioritize that person. And to top it off, Swift and Berninger’s harmonies are achingly beautiful, transporting you right there in the story, on the bench, wondering, over and over. Best lyric: “Do you miss the rogue who coaxed you into paradise and left you there? / Will you forgive my soul when you’re too wise to trust me and too old to care?”

10. ivy Leave it to Taylor Swift to make a song about an affair sound so romantic, and so sympathetic to the narrator, that you’re rooting for adultery. “ivy” tells the tale of a woman in a lifeless marriage, likening her home with him to the tombstone that the widow in town visits each day. I like to think this is the same wife whose husband was out there building other worlds without her in “tolerate it,” because then that means she found someone who celebrates her love, who holds her pain for her, who blooms all over her; they started it, but she’s fighting for it all the way to the end, nonetheless. “ivy” showcases Swift’s gorgeous vocals and her sharp lyrics, with a melody so infectious it is bound to permanently plant its roots in your dreamland. Best lyric: “Oh, I can’t stop you putting roots in my dreamland / my house of stone, your ivy grows, and now I’m covered in you.”

11. cowboy like me With the beautifully blended backing vocals of Marcus Mumford, “cowboy like me” is an entrancing love story of two con artists who lost at their own game and got conned into forever with each other. She’d gone from swindling old men for their money and fancy cars to falling victim to the danger of dancing with someone who only has eyes full of stars, and she knows she’ll pay for it. “cowboy like me” is one of the most romantic tracks on the record, proving that life never plays out quite as we plan. Best lyric: “Now you hang from my lips like the gardens of Babylon / with your boots beneath my bed / Forever is the sweetest con.”

12. long story short One of the more pop-sounding tracks on evermore, “long story short” is pretty much a summary of the long story behind reputation (2017). The song is filled with various metaphors for her reputation crumbling around her, and then finally putting her defenses down to be with her lover, someone as “rare as the glimmer of a comet in the sky.” It is a sweet ode to her boyfriend, and a gentle comfort to her past self that it will all work out. But it is also an oddly relatable example of how we shrug off our struggles and minimize them to just a “bad time,” when the time she is singing about was obviously something that deeply affected her (as will be further explored in the title track); but sometimes it actually feels good to just shrug it off as just a blip in your life, because at the end of the day, you survived, and that’s what counts- even if you’re not keeping score anymore. Best lyric: “Pushed from the precipice / clung to the nearest lips / long story short, it was the wrong guy. / Now I’m all about you.”

13. marjorie Whereas track 13 on folklore was a tribute to Swift’s paternal grandfather, evermore’s track 13 is a tribute to her maternal grandmother, Marjorie Finlay, who was an opera singer in the 50s, and passed away in 2003 when Taylor was 13 years old. “marjorie” is quite possibly the most touching track Taylor has ever written thus far in her career. Grief is one of the most difficult topics to tackle in a song; the genius of “marjorie” is that it is simple, yet not understated. Swift reflects on the profound lessons she learned from her grandmother, about the difficult balances of kindness and cleverness, and politeness and power. She curses herself for not cherishing the moments she had with her, for complaining rather than understanding in the moment how admirable her spirit was, for all the amber skies she’d love but will never see. The chorus, blunt and hard-hitting, reminds us that someone does not have to be living to be alive, to be all around, to be with us. “If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were singing to me now,” Taylor sings towards the end of the song, right before you hear a sample of Finlay’s opera singing in the background, a truly eye-swelling moment. It is clear that Finlay played a pivotal role in Swift’s own ambitions, as she sings, “all your closets of backlogged dreams, and how you left them all to me.” Marjorie knew she was leaving them in good hands. If you haven’t yet, check out the moving lyric video for the song, where you can see photos and video clips of Marjorie, both throughout her career and in her time with Taylor. Best lyric: “Never be so polite you forget your power, / never wield such power you forget to be polite.”

14. closure On the most experimental track musically on the record, Taylor writes off her need for closure from a relationship of some sort, whether it be romantic or platonic or business, all of which can cause hurt of equal intensity. The subject of the song is trying to make nice with Taylor, and she is just not having it, as it is not coming from a genuine place, but rather to ensure that their life remains picture perfect, or to clear their guilty conscience, or to preserve their own ego. This is a deeply relatable sentiment; as valuable as forgiveness can be, sometimes the person who hurt you just doesn’t deserve it, and all you can do is forgive yourself for blocking their number or shredding their letters. Best lyric: “I know I’m just a wrinkle in your new life / staying friends would iron it out so nice.”

15. evermore feat. Bon Iver To close out the standard edition of the album, Taylor joins forces once again with Justin Vernon of Bon Iver, with whom she collaborated on the Grammy-nominated duet, “exile” for folklore. However, Swift leads most of the track this time, lamenting the difficult time she went through in 2016. The piano and Swift’s vocals are haunting, particularly when she describes this time in her life as “catching my death,” consumed by a pain that she feels will never end. If you’ve ever been depressed, you know what that feels like, and the dark places it leads you. Although she is singing about a time four years prior, it sounds so present, and it is heartbreaking to hear her in such a state. When Bon Iver comes in, the tempo of the song picks up, the piano riff becomes more erratic, like a winter storm hitting you in the face, and he voices all the anxieties of the cost of such a downfall. But through those anxieties, Taylor finds not a cure, but an anchor in love, and then the tempo slows back down. By the end of the song, Taylor has the foresight to understand that although it may not feel like it now, the pain she is experiencing is not permanent (a sentiment my therapist has been trying to instill in me for years). In her Apple Music interview with Zane Lowe, Taylor explained how the lyrics parallel the times we are in currently, and so it feels really special to have the album end with someone who knows how it feels to be imprisoned by your pain gently comfort us with the wisdom that “this pain wouldn’t be for evermore.” I hope one day soon, as we leave 2020 far behind, we can all truly believe her. Best lyric: “I was catching my breath / barefoot in the wildest winter catching my death.”

16. right where you left me (bonus track) The first bonus track on evermore, “right where you left me,” captures a moment so earth-crushing, a piece of you is trapped in it forever. In this song specifically, the narrator finds herself stuck in the same corner of a restaurant where she was told by someone she loved that they had met someone else. “Glass shattered on the white cloth, everybody moved on,” she sings in mourning. We have all experienced those moments that we could teleport back to if we just closed our eyes; the scenery, what you wore, the smell and taste of the season, the very point in your body where it felt like your insides were collapsing. Or that one particular person, who is long-gone from your life but seeing them is like time-travelling back to that person you once were, ready to pick up where you left off. But as much as you want to stay in that moment forever, just in case it changes in your favor, the cold reality is that the world stops for no one. Best lyric: “If our love died young, I can’t bear witness / And it’s been so long, but if you ever think you got it wrong / I’m right where you left me.”

17. it’s time to go (bonus track) “right where you left me” was Taylor’s cry for help to get out of restaurant, and “it’s time to go” is the answer to the call, as she sings in the first line, “when the dinner gets cold, and the chatter gets old / you ask for the tab.” This song is about gathering the strength to leave situations and relationships behind that no longer serve you. She grieves the betrayal of someone she thought to be a twin from her dreams (almost definitely referring to former friend, Karlie Kloss), acknowledges that keeping a marriage together for the sake of the kids often actually has the opposite intended effect (possibly- but not certainly- something she and her brother experienced), and recounts attempting to bargain with someone consumed by greed, only able to leave with herself (absolutely referring to the end of her fifteen-year long business relationship with Scott Borchetta, her former record-label owner). But as painful as leaving all of those situations was, Taylor has gained the wisdom to understand that walking away sometimes takes as much strength as persevering. You can’t stay at the restaurant, or at the mercy of someone else forever; you have to forge your own path, even if it’s in the opposite direction of what you envisioned for so long. And even with all her past success behind her, as folklore and evermore have proved, there is so much more ahead of her. Best lyric: “That old familiar body ache, the snaps from the same little breaks in your soul / You know when it’s time to go.”

In a time where we are all trapped in our homes and in our heads, the folklore/evermore experience has been the sweetest escape. If anything, the creation of these wonderful sister records has taught me that our most powerful tool in times of distress is our own imagination. Even just the ability to close my eyes while listening to one of these tracks and feel the character’s story is a gift. The way I’ve always been able to pick up Harry Potter and escape to Hogwarts when I’ve felt alone and friendless, I can listen to folklore and evermore when I feel scared or hopeless and escape into this enchanted forest Taylor has built, where I can climb above the trees and see it all for what it is. I feel so lucky to watch Taylor’s imaginative world unravel around me. I can’t wait to see what she creates next.

DISCLAIMER – REVIEWER’S BIAS: I would literally die for this bitch.  

[foxofninetales]

Recommended Reads: aroace-friendly science fiction and fantasy

As a librarian, a reader, and an aroace person myself, I’ve been toying with the idea of sharing some aroace sff recommendations for a while.  This list is limited to what I have personally read and I know there are a LOT more wonderful books out there that would appeal to aroace readers (please comment if you have a rec to add!), but if you’re looking for something good to read, this might be a place to start!

These books all fit two criteria:

1) No or minimal/fade-to-black sexual content.  ACE PEOPLE WHO LIKE TO READ SMUT ARE VALID.  However, I wanted this list to be able to appeal to a wide range of ace readers.

2) Non-romantic relationships that are as strong or stronger than the romantic ones (though there may also be romantic relationships in some of these books).  ARO PEOPLE WHO LIKE TO READ ROMANCE ARE ALSO VALID.  However, I wanted this list to be emotionally satisfying to a wide range of aro readers.

This list also only includes books that I enjoyed enough to reread at least once, and usually many times.  This is the Good Stuff, is what I'm saying.

Also, if you a fanfic reader who is trying to get into reading more non-fanwork materials, there are several novella recommendations on this list that would be a great place to start.  In fact, my top pic for that purpose would be the first one on the list:

The Murderbot Diaries by Martha Wells. 

Lets get the obvious one out of the way first, shall we?  These are excellent, solid, space-opera style adventures, but what drives them is Murderbot, who may be THE most relatable protagonist I will ever encounter.  This is not just because Murderbot is clearly, explicitly ace, but because.... well, the first few lines of the first novella explain it better than I ever can.

"I could have become a mass murderer after I hacked my governor module, but then I realized I could access the combined feed of entertainment channels carried on the company satellites. It had been well over 35,000 hours or so since then, with still not much murdering, but probably, I don’t know, a little under 35,000 hours of movies, serials, books, plays, and music consumed. As a heartless killing machine, I was a terrible failure."

The stories follow the titular Murderbot as it investigates the mysteries of its past, tries to figure out what it wants from its future, and is dragged kicking and screaming into feeling emotions.  The series currently consists of five novellas and a novel.  Start with the first novella, All Systems Red.  Also, while there is absolutely no smut (Murderbot would be horrified) this series is -definitely- competency porn.

(I'm going to throw in a side-recommendation for Martha Wells in general. She's got an amazing gift for three-dimensional characters and deep emotional bonds whether romantic or not.  I've been a Martha Wells fan for YEARS and am thrilled to see her finally getting the recognition she deserves.  I enjoy all of her works, but I'll throw out a particular recommendation for "Wheel of the Infinite" (in which a badass, older WOC causes trouble on purpose while a really hot warrior dude follows her around holding her flower) and the “Fall of Ile-Rien” trilogy (which features delicious world-building and a not-explicity-stated but pretty obvious OT3 endgame that should be satisfying to Leverage fans).)

The Penric and Desdemona series by Lois McMaster Bujold.

I don't know exactly what you call the relationship between a sweet-natured young sorcerer and the ancient, multi-personalitied demon who lives in his mind, but it definitely doesn't fall into the standard romance mold.  This series of novellas is up to 9 books so far (start with Penric's Demon), and it's full of satisfying relationships with new and recurring characters. The setting in the Five Gods fantasy world, which is my favorite Bujold universe and has one of my favorite explorations of religion in fantasy, ever - in fact, the staggeringly overwhelming love the gods have for people is one of the non-romantic loves that clinches this series for me.  

(Again, another general recommendation for Bujold, with the proviso that she's been writing for a long time, so some of her earlier stuff, though progressive for the time, isn't quite on par with how we might think or phrase things today (but it's very clear she was TRYING).  She's another one with a gift for writing intense characters and relationships, and her romantic relationships oddly tend to be the weakest.  If you like the Penric and Desdemona series, definitely check out her other books set in the same Five Gods world, which are AMAZING.)

The Imperial Radch series by Ann Leckie

Another obvious pick, but no less recommended for all that.  This is yet another of those works that illustrates the ace person's dilemma at having a lot of their representation in media be in the form of non-human characters; on the one hand, we really should get more diverse representation than that, but on the other hand, ANDROIDS ARE COOL.  Or, in this case, artificial intelligences, in the form of One Esk Nineteen, the last lingering remnant of what was one a vast and powerful battleship.  Part action-thriller, part political intrigue, part musing on the nature of personhood and what and who can love.  SO much competency porn.  Start with Ancillary Justice.

The Goblin Emperor by Katherine Addison

When the entire royal family dies in an airship accident, a neglected and forgotten prince finds himself the emperor of the elves, forced to negotiate the complexity of court dynamics powered almost solely by his dogged determination to be a good person.  Maia and his struggle to balance the detachment of the throne with his desperate need for emotional connection are the beating heart and soul of this story.  Fair warning, I read a review once that described this book as having approximately 3/4 of an action scene, and they weren't wrong, but Maia's deep emotional longing pulled me along as strongly as any plot.  I think this book would have a lot of appeal for xianxia/wuxia fans, both in the general pacing, the clear influences on the worldbuilding, and the whump service.

(An ace heads-up: If you are not into kinky smut, use caution if you seek out any of the works by this author under her other pen-name.)

The Queen’s Thief series by Megan Whalen Turner

Megan Whalen Turner is a tricksy, tricksy sneak of an author who will have you finish a book and immediately reread it while shrieking "that was foreshadowing!" and "it was right there in front of my face!" the whole time.  She also likes to rip you heart out and stomp on it.  With hobnailed boots.  You may not quite believe me as you are reading the first book of the series (The Thief), which is lighter and a little more juvenile in tone, but trust me on this one, read through chapter 3 of the second book and You Will Understand.  You may also hate me.  

The setting is an ancient Crete/Grece/Persia type minimal-magic fantasy world that is painted with vivid strokes. The focal characters and focal relationships change between the various books, but they all rotate around the central character of Eugenides.  I can't say too much about him without spoiling things, but let's just say that he is a sneaky bastard in all the best ways, and definitely delivers on the competency porn.  He is also a whump magnet, so if that is your thing, MWT knows all the tropes you love and delivers them with care.  

The Wayward Children series by Seanan McGuire

One of the positives to come out of the ebook revolution is the resurgence of the novella as a viable format; I think this is the third novella series on this list!  This series toys with the idea of those children who fell into otherworld fantasy adventures, and asks - what happens when those children come home?  Starting with Every Heart a Doorway, these interlinked tales rotate around Eleanor West's Home for Wayward Children, where all those kids who suddenly go mad and start babbling about talking lions and magical wardrobes are packed off by their uncomprehending families.  The tone is almost fairytale-like, with a definite undercurrent of horror, but the characters are raw and real.   Not only is there explicit ace representation, there is also copious representation of various gender identities, sexualities, and neurodivergences; it's basically the author waving a sign that screams YOU ARE VALID for six books so far.  

The Raven Cycle by Maggie Stiefvater

By golly, Maggie Stiefvater can write.  And I'm not just talking plots, or characters, or themes, I'm talking about the sheer mechanics of verbal structure.  I'm talking about writing where you stagger from an achingly poetic sentence that you reread six times for the sheer beauty of it, only to encounter an acrobatic convolution of words that hits you with all the delicate force of a mugger with a baseball bat.  

Though it could nominally be called urban fantasy, "The Raven Cycle" straddles the line between reality and unreality, an epic quest and a coming-of-age story surrounding one boy's singleminded quest to pull magic into the world as he hunts for the lost Welsh king Glendower in the rolling Virginia hills.  Though there are two strong romances that help drive the story, the non-romantic relationships between the tightly entwined main characters are every bit as important and visceral in their longing.  Start with The Raven Boys, and keep in mind that she is currently publishing a followup series.

The Web Shifters series by Julie Czerneda

Non-romantic emotional attachments are the driving force for this space adventure series (start with Beholder's Eye).  Esen is a web shifter, one of the last of a mysterious species that can shift into any alien form.  Tasked to preserve and record alien cultures, young Esen's strict training on non-intervention doesn't survive her first solo mission and contact with a lone, struggling human. Czerneda is a biologist in her non-writerly life, and it really shows, because she can write aliens better than just about anyone I've encountered.  Her aliens don't come across as alien, but as they would be viewed through their own eyes, warts and tentacles and all.  Esen's delight in her various bodies as she moves from form to form makes self-love and love of nature in all its weirdness some of the unusual loves of this delightful series.

(If you like these books, you will also enjoy Czerneda's other works - I'll throw out a a particular recommendation for the "Species Imperative" series.)

The Order of the Pure Moon Reflected in Water by Zen Cho

Oh, god, I'm just a novella whore now, aren't I?  The author herself described this book as being inspired by the characters and relationship of Baze and Chirrut from Rogue One, and I'm not sure if anything I could say could sell the book any harder than that.  This delightful miniature wuxia-inspired adventure isn't part of a series, alas, but *eyes Zen Cho* that could totally happen in future, right?  Please?  It involves a country under invader rule, a group of bandits who may or not be the good guys, stolen temple artifacts, and a whole lot of queerness.

The Wayfarers Series by Becky Chambers

What do we want?  Found family!  When do we want it?  Set in the far future!  If a hodgepodge of misfit characters working together to make a stronger whole is your jam, this is where it's at.  The tone shifts throughout the series, from the finding-your-place adventure of the first The Long Way to Small Angry Planet, to the later Record of a Spaceborn Few which I can only describe as "very little happens but in the most life-affirming way".  What all of them have in common is a fervent embracing of emotion and relationships of all kinds - from romantic to familial, from friendship to loyalty to loss.

The Deed of Paksenarrion by Elizabeth Moon

This one's awarded an honorary spot for being one of the earliest - possibly the earliest? - depictions of an explicitly aroace character in fantasy, and one who isn't just a side-character but the main protagonist of the whole series.  (Start with Sheepfarmer's Daughter, or look for the omnibus published under the series name.) This is a coming-of-age military fantasy in the classic mold.  It has some of the issues you might expect from a trilogy written in the 1980s, but it has great characters and relationships and deserves respect for what it did.

[thanksjro]

More Than Meets the Eye #32 - Nobody’s Ever Actually Dead in Comic Books

Our band of merry guys-who-weren’t-on-the-Lost-Light-in-issue-#1 approach the shattered husk of the Lost Light, in a gruesome scene that is only slightly marred by the graphic design.

Font doesn’t really suggest danger, does it? Here, for comparison, is something I slapped together in fifteen minutes (including recreation of background) using a font I got off a free font site.

Now, one could say that my version is rather derivative, flat, and arguably cliche, but you know what else it is? Appropriate for the fucking mood of having found a destroyed, hemorrhaging ship after everyone you knew disappeared.

I’m available, IDW! Hit me up.

Theorizing that this is the ship that the Coffin Rodimus came from- remember that? It was a few issues ago- the gang flies in for a closer look. The ship blood is actually something called quantum foam, which allows for quantum space travel to happen. It’s not supposed to be outside of the quantum quills, but the ship’s pretty junked up, so it is.

Because the ship is so very full of holes, the gang can set down for repairs pretty easy. They land in Swerve’s, finding it in less-than-pristine condition. They also find evidence of Crosscut having gotten creative, as a poster for the play he was working on is hung up in the room. Considering he was still writing it when he disappeared, this might seem a bit odd. But then you remember that this is a ship from the future, and it stops being so odd.

Because this is a future ship, with evidence that Crosscut did some stuff, it stands to reason that, at some point, everyone is going to come back from being disappeared.

Just to die.

Which is a bummer, but one crisis at a time.

Megatron disembarks the Rod Pod, with Ravage following, and everyone is just a touch put off by the duo. Everyone but Nautica, who proceeds to commit a microaggression.

Nautica, that’s Soundwave’s father you’re petting like a common animal.

Ravage, angered by this over-familiarity, swats at her. Skids questions letting an active Decepticon roam around, but Megatron brushes off these concerns, saying that finding any still-living crew members is more important. With that, the search begins.

The gang splits up to look for clues, despite Riptide thinking this is a horrible idea. They’re on the clock for this one- the quantum foam is liable to explode if it touches anything, and there’s an awful lot of the stuff floating around right now.

Nightbeat and Nautica leave the rest of the group to their own work, seeing as Nautica has the most appropriate alt-mode for traversing the gaps in the ship.

Man, that’s pretty cool. Wish Nautica hadn’t been regulated to being “girl best friend” for her character arcs, I would have loved to see her do some neat stuff for her own development. Guess that’s what happens when you get introduced as main cast late, and have to compete with all the faves who had dozens of issues to be established and who also don’t have to deal with the whole “token girl character” thing.

The rest of the gang- Megatron, Ravage, Riptide, Skids, and Getaway- start looking in the area they’re already in. Seems a little lopsided, but whatever.

Ravage finds someone almost immediately, identifying Ultra Magnus through smell alone. Only, it isn’t just Ultra Magnus.

The Magnus armor lays not terribly far away, having had its hands cut off to prevent the recall signal from being activated before being gut-murdered.

Gut-murdered wiTH A FUSION CANNON, MEGATRON

Of course, Megatron was forced to destroy his fusion canon after it was decided he would be joining the Lost Light, but you can buy these things off the black market like it’s nothing. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if Brainstorm had a few stashed in his lab.

As it currently stands, nobody can trust the guy who has a storied past of killing Autobots, on a future ship where the only folks who could stop him are dead. Megatron, at least, has the good sense to not argue this fact, and suggests that the boys lock both Ravage and himself up until they suss out exactly what happened.

Meanwhile, over with Nautica and Nightbeat, we run through all the weird shit that’s happened in the last day or so.

Nautica, you’ve been on this ship for months now. How did you miss the fact that the only couple within 800 miles got annihilated by way of Phase Sixer? I feel like that attack might have come up at some point.

Since they’re on the subject of spouses, Nightbeat asks Nautica if she’s married, or if she has friends. Though noting that such a direct line of questioning might get him slapped with someone else, Nautica reveals that she is single, though she does have a best friend. Nightbeat is also single, probably because he pulls shit like this.

While this conversation is going on, Nautica uses her Sonic Screwdriver wrench to open a door with the literal push of a button. Brainstorm tricked out her wrench so hard it turned into a magic wand, which is good, because they’re going to need all the help they can get now that space is literally warping around them thanks to the quantum foam.

Nautica kicks something on the elevator, and that something turns out to be Brainstorm’s mysterious briefcase. Too bad Swerve is gone, he was so invested in what it contained. Luckily, Nightbeat is just as interested.

Back over on the other side of the ship, it seems as though Megatron kept his word about not resisting, as both he and Ravage have been locked in a cabinet. Wonder how that’s going for them.

Oh, better than I expected.

Ravage is fucking pissed that Megatron joined the Autobots, thereby turning his back on everyone who supported his cause during the last four million years. Despite this grievous betrayal though, the Decepticons haven’t stopped moving. Turns out, Galvatron’s in charge now.

But only if Autobot Megatron isn’t some sort of ploy.

It’s at this point that we learn just why Ravage is here to begin with- to see if Megatron’s truly given up the Decepticons, and if he has, to murder him. But first he’d like to know why this is happening.

Megatron views himself as a monster, having perpetuated a war that ended the lives of billions, destroyed the Cybertronian way of life, ostracized his race from the rest of the universe, and killing just to have something to do. He doesn’t like feeling this way about himself, so he decided to walk away from that life by joining the other team.

Don’t think it’s quite that easy to do, but okay.

Ravage isn’t so sure that this change of heart is going to stick, still convinced that Megatron will snap back to his old self with just a bit more time. Problem is, Megatron may not have a ton of that resource left.

Didn’t they build that body in like an hour so you wouldn’t die? Yeah, no wonder it feels as ill-fitting as a twenty-dollar suit. Thing’s probably made out of pig iron and duct tape.

The lights come on before further self-reflection can be done, and the duo realize that they’ve had guests this whole time.

Someone put the kettle on.

Obviously some fucked up shit happened on this ship. Megatron isn’t so sure that it’s him who did these dirty deeds, however, as he reaches into Ratchet’s mouth and pulls out his brain. Which feels like something that doesn’t really absolve one of guilt, but okay.

Also, ew.

Back with Nautica and Nightbeat, things are getting weird.

Now, this sequence might seem confusing at first blush, but this is because the laws of reality are collapsing around them. Going by clues in the background, we can find the proper, linear progression of time, and thus is conversation. This is what is actually happening:

With the mystery of Brainstorm’s briefcase eluding us once again, we move on to see more graphic aftermaths of violence. Poor Tailgate has been nailed to the wall with a chunk of a metal beam that’s almost as big as he is. The mood lighting for this scene is gorgeous, but I’ve hit my limit for exposing y’all to gore for this issue, so you’ll just have to trust me on this one. Then they find something even more interesting.

Who’s ready for Under Cold Blue Stars… 2!

Back over on the opposite side of the ship, Riptide’s found something nasty. It’s a bunch of dead bodies!

Including, uh, Pipes.

Who already died a while ago.

Hm.

All the bodies in this room are in their alts, and it looks like they’ve all been shot and drilled into, for some reason. Skids brings up that he had a friend who could identify the placement of any robot’s brain module just by knowing what they turned into. Then he reaches into a corpse to see what the drill-hole’s all about. It makes him sick, though maybe not for the reason you might think. He gets on the phone with Nightbeat, who’s called to tell them that they’ve found Overlord.

Still locked in his weird body harness.

And decapitated.

Megatron is on the other line, calling because he’s figured out the same thing Skids has. Someone paid a visit to this ship. Someone nasty.

The gang regroups, and Nautica gets the basics on the DJD, because I guess nobody’s mentioned them even in passing in the last six months, either.

God, what do they even talk about on this ship? Certainly not their feelings.

The reason that one room was filled with alt-modes was because of Tarn’s addiction to transforming; t-cogs are easier to remove when they’ve been used recently.

We get a quick 4/5ths-page gore-fest, then it’s back to making it all about Megatron.

Maybe you should have thought about that before you FUCKING DEFECTED, YOU POOL NOODLE.

Nightbeat’s beginning to put two and two together. There’s an Overlord in the basement. That shouldn’t be, because Overlord got exploded by Chromedome when he mercy-killed Rewind. Something is off about the past of this ship.

Before he can establish his MTMTE everybody-lives-but-then-dies AU though, the quantum foam fucks with the ship. These sons of guns need to get the hell out of here, pronto.

Oh god, what now?

Ravage smells someone inside the Magnus armor, someone who isn’t a part of the usual nesting doll lineup. Megatron reaches into the Crackerjack box and pulls out one hell of a prize.

HE LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVES

Chromedome would be so thrilled, if he still existed.

[misssquidtracy]

Noble Intentions (Part 1).

My contribution to Gordo’s FabFiveFeb week. Chapter 2 will spill over into the first day of Alan’s week, courtesy of a certain gorgeous aquanaut who insisted on making this 2x as long as originally planned.

Sorry not sorry, Alan ❤️

All credit for FabFiveFeb goes to the amazing @gumnut-logic 💚

Prompt: A memory.

Warnings: Mild strong language.

Genre: Humour.

Characters: Sea Bean & Land Cabbage.

-x-

“And that, ladies and gentleman, is a wrap!”

A sigh that somehow managed to bridge the gap between despair and disbelief filtered over the comm channel, “Don’t go Hollywood on me now, Thunderbird Four. Are the targets clear of the danger zone?”

“Yes siree,” came the rather chipper reply, “Hazardous material has been removed and ultrasonic sweeps show no more underwater casualties. Danger zone is officially cleared. Standby for pickup, Thunderbird Two.”

“F.A.B,” came the rich tones of brother Numero Dos, “Can you be Pacific about your location, please?”

“Careful, Virg. I have a license to krill, you know,” Gordon warned playfully, aligning the little yellow sub so that she was within grabbing distance of module four’s cable.

A snort was offered by Virgil in lieu of a verbal reply, “I never knew it was possible to stick one’s head so far up one’s ass. Tell me, what did you have for dinner last night?”

“Same thing as you, bro,” Gordon countered, watching happily as his newly relinquished charges swam off to freedom. An emergency call had come in from a concerned student at the University of Otago claiming that several members of the dolphin pod she was satellite tracking in Kaikoura had run afoul of a discarded fishing net. Ever eager to help an animal in distress and with the right gear at his disposal, Gordon had roused Virgil and politely requested that the engineer taxi him the two and a half thousand miles to New Zealand’s South Island.

A decent number of locals had joined the rescue effort by the time Thunderbird Two arrived on scene, and it was with unbridled joy that they cheered as the last dolphin was cut free by Four’s robotic arms. Aside from managing to dodge an animal welfare bullet, the cetaceans were a tourism magnet and thus, an invaluable source of income for the town.

“Kia ora! Thank you!” a young woman called, scurrying up to shake Gordon and Virgil’s hands, “I’m Mandy Harrell, and on behalf of the IMMA, I just want to say how grateful we are to International Rescue for your help here today.”

Gordon smiled warmly, “I’ve always admired the work of the Marine Mammal Protected Areas Task Force. The pleasure is all mine.”

“Having two representatives from the world’s most elite rescue organisation here will do wonders for our public image,” Mandy enthused, shaking her head in excited disbelief, “We’re trying to raise enough funds to conduct a clean-up operation along this section of coastline. We suspect the net you just removed is one of several left by a group of unregulated fishermen we apprehended last June. Our goal is to have the first five hundred meters of coast cleared by the time the humpbacks arrive next month, but at the rate things are going, we’ll be several thousand dollars shy of our target.”

A soft series of beeps sounded as Gordon’s comm picked up an incoming call, but he ignored it in favour of giving Mandy his undivided attention. It was probably just John checking in. Or Scott forewarning him that Grandma was cooking and that they were out of laxatives.

“Perhaps we could donate the remainder?” Gordon offered, “I’d be delighted to help you guys in any way that I can.”

Virgil felt apprehension crawl up his spine when Mandy smiled, but didn’t instantly accept the (rather generous) offer that had been had laid down.

“That’s incredibly kind of you, but we like to be as self-sufficient as possible where money is concerned,” the young woman replied, tilting her head to take the sting out of her words, “If you’d be willing to donate your time however, that would be greatly appreciated.”

“Sign me up!” Gordon exclaimed, raising his hand in a similar manner to Scott’s scout oath, “I’m sure Alan can cover for me if I take an extra day off this week. You get that, John? Take me off the roster for tomorrow, please. Forward all emergencies necessitating the use of Thunderbird Four to Alan. I’ll take over his Monday shift next week as compensation.”

“Done and done,” came the smooth reply of the middle brother, “And now we wait for the inevitable tantrum.”

A chuckle bubbled up Virgil’s diaphragm as he adjusted his sash and fixed Mandy with an inquisitive gaze, “So, what will you have him doing? Shovelling seaweed? Litter picking? Seagull whispering?”

Mandy let loose a laugh that sounded a fraction forced, “Not quite. We’re a new partner of Otago University and recently signed a collaboration agreement with their School of Arts for the upcoming semester. We were going to host a series of life drawing sessions out on the open water, but the university probably won’t commit after the publicity this incident will undoubtedly be on the receiving end of. Do either of you have any experience with modelling by any chance?”

Virgil had less than a second to intervene before Gordon started uncontrollably word vomiting.

“Oh yes!” the aquanaut swanked, preening like a peacock, “Vogue, Armani, Cosmo, Grazia, Gucci, Vanity Fair, Louis Vuitton, Dior, Prada, Salvatore Ferragamo, Fendi, Saint Laurent, Givenchy, Balmain, Alexander McQueen, Burberry, Calvin Klein, Ralph Lauren, and KFC have all had a piece of this perfectly symmetrical face over the years.”

The squeal that tore out of Mandy had Virgil wondering if she was as smart as her paper qualifications claimed. A discreet search of IMMA on his comm gauntlet had revealed a string of abbreviations after her name that rivalled the Cambodian alphabet, yet she seemed perfectly willing to believe that Gordon really had modelled for all of the companies he’d just listed.

In truth, the closest the fourth Tracy had come to modelling was when his swim trunks had ripped during a family trip to the Seychelles. The scathing email that Scott had penned to the CEO of Speedo had been accompanied by multiple pictures of said trunks (both on and off their owner), along with the threat of legal action should Gordon end up deported for ‘indecent exposure’.

“Perfect!” Mandy effused, her green eyes glowing with excitement, “Ticket sales will skyrocket with a member of International Rescue as the subject! I must ring Shona and tell her to re-book the town hall.”

Valuable blood drained from Gordon’s face as the reality of what he’d inadvertently signed up for dawned on him like a sunrise in hell, “Uh, I thought you just wanted me as a poster boy for your open water sessions? Y’know…posing with porpoises, photobombing seals…helping to smooth over the bad publicity, right? Getting people to focus on the good rather than the bad?”

Mandy shook her head, her brown curls bucking in the breeze that was buffeting the shore, “It’ll be all over the news that it was you guys who saved the day, not us. International Rescue’s presence here is the catalyst for a financial surge we can’t afford to miss. I’m begging you. The dolphins are begging you. Please, help us to help them.”

Gordon chewed his lip. While he was probably the brother least phased at the prospect of getting his kit off for charity, he knew that Scott would be on him like shit on velcro if his derriere ended up plastered across the front of every global news channel in all its bare glory.

“Thunderbird Two, a priority call just came in from a couple of wreck divers in Chuuk Lagoon, Micronesia,” John’s voice, ever calm and authoritative, served as both a welcome distraction and an excuse to leave, “Alan and Kayo just got called away to a flood in Columbia and Scott is on a conference call with Colonel Casey, which makes you two our closest and only available option.”

“Please say you’ll come?” Mandy wheedled, panic slipping into her voice when Virgil and Gordon began to walk towards Two’s cockpit platform, “It’ll just be for a few of hours, and there’ll be a free lunch.”

That got Gordon’s attention. He’d been prepared to agree for the sake of the dolphins and inbound humpbacks, but the promise of free food sealed the deal.

“Ten o’clock tomorrow!” the aquanaut yelled, waving as the platform began to ascend, “I’ll need a toasted cheese on granary and five of whatever your equivalent of Celery Crunch bars are!”

“Uh, Gordon?” Virgil’s voice was low and gentle, a stark contrast to the shrieks of delight Mandy was emitting, “Do I need to remind you about what happened last time you signed up for something like this?”

Any confidence the aquanaut had vanished quicker than a burp in a dust storm as a memory he’d worked hard to suppress began to surface.

TBC.

[ktheist]

saving grace | 2

muses. duke!yoongi x lady!reader

universe. arranged marriage / minor traces of magic in history

concept. driven into a corner with the new king, seokjin, offering to marry you off to a prince in a foreign land and a persistent mother who would seize the chance of a lucrative marriage for her daughter, you’re forced with the only other option to secure your freedom ‒ enter into a beneficial agreement with the man who reaped the seeds of war, the duke of cralon, yoongi min.

words. 5.2k

warnings. mentions of war, it’s cliche and cheesy all in one package

index. 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / finale

x

three days later, you’re stuck in the garden, holding a teacup in one hand and an unsettling urge to let a vexed frown make home on your features. as soon as yoongi’s letter arrived the morning after the last day of the celebration, your mother had speedily organized a tea party. invitations were exclusively sent to a selected few - namely those with an uncanny ability to light the matchstick of rumors throughout the city.

“lady ___, you’ve grown into a fine woman. when i last saw you, you were but a child crying over the countess forbidding you from having another cookie!”

“it’s been two years since you debuted into the society, hasn’t it, lady ___?”

“oh my, that’s an important time span between being legally introduced to the society and finding a marriage prospect, speaking of which, is it true? that the duke of cralon has taken a liking to the lady?”

“well-”

“of course,” your mother speaks over you, a pride-ridden smile gracing her lips, “only my ___ would be able to tame the beast of war though i was quite worried since there hasn’t been an official proposal from the duke but alas, he must’ve been busy attending to matters after returning from the war - in fact, he’s coming today to discuss arrangements about moving into the house of min and starting lessons as the future duchess.”

the ladies begin to whisper among themselves in pairs or groups of threes while your mother hides her satisfaction behind the cup of tea she brings to her lips. in truth, yoongi never mentioned anything about moving into his manor nor was there any talk of a ring - since it’s a faux engagement, you would feel enlightened if there weren’t any extravagant spent on you only to blind the eyes of others.

“lady ___ is quite lucky to have her face as a saving grace and capture the duke’s eyes,” krystal’s modulated tone sends the ladies quietening down.

if she hadn’t been the daughter of a marquis, her brusque nature would have landed her at the far end of the table where those with a lack of influence and benefit to the hostess, would be arranged to sit.

while she praises your beauty, she criticizes it being your only good fortune.

you catch a glimpse of isabelle’s apologetic smile from next to baroness armwell. only a few of the ladies are here with their mothers while the rest are acquaintances of your mother and noblewomen you choose to avoid in a social setting.

“i have my mother’s genetics to thank for that, lady krystal.” with that, a disarming smile blooms on your face. having nothing to argue after your plain admittance, she reverts her attention to the stirring the cup of tea in front of her.

“oh my, not only is lady ___ beautiful but she’s also humble!” one of the ladies chirp while the others chorus in agreement.

it is a few empty praises and gossips later, almost as though the stars and planets have aligned for this exact moment, the raucous of reigns and wagons echo from somewhere outside. that must be him.

you’re about to stand up and excuse yourself to welcome yoongi when the familiar heat of watchful eyes makes you turn to the one person you know would be sending telepathic messages to stay put, let him come to you.

the deadpanned expression that slips on your face is unconcealable but not at all effective in telling your mother how unnecessary and subtly rude it is to have yoongi come all the way to the garden and become a showcase to these women.

nonetheless, you sit with your back straight and ready to bolt as soon as the butler announces yoongi’s arrival. clad in his black and yellow uniform that reminds you of shimmering gold underneath a moonlight, yoongi’s naturally expressionless face lights up into the most amicable smile when he sees that you’re not alone, “ladies, apologies for intruding your tea party.”

“oh my,” marchioness seastein, lady irene’s mother, murmurs from next to you.

judging from the woman’s fixed gaze - as though she can see nothing but yoongi - you doubt she’s aware of her blatant ogling. not that you have any right to stop her.

“your grace, it’s been awhile,” you dip into a curtsy.

when you let go of the fabric of your dress, a gloved hand slips into yours before a pair of warm lips presses against your knuckle. this time, it’s not just marchioness seastein that starts fanning herself.

“___, it seems you forgot about what we talked about that night at the palace,” yoongi’s crimson eyes find yours with a sort of melancholy but as the duke owns two sides - one for the public and the other for when you’re behind closed doors - you’re unsure whether he’s truly saddened by the formal unfamiliarity you display.

regardless, you weren’t that flustered girl from that night. and you can’t let such scandalous intonation leave this place.

“my, how could i call you by your name so freely when we’re not even officially engaged?” throwing your gaze to the golden encrusted teacup, you shyly pull your hand to your lips and in the midst, catching your mother’s approving smile at your delicate front.

sending prayers to the goddess to be whisked away from this unbearable atmosphere, you almost let out a sigh of relief when yoongi chuckles, “i did not know my ___ harbors such worries. shall we go look for engagement rings now? i’ve made a booking at whitlace.”

that warrants a round of whispers from the ladies and a pleasant nod from your mother. nobody in this kingdom hasn’t heard of whitlace. it’s a boutique that sells only the high quality jewelries and are frequented by only the richest of nobility.

“your- yoongi, you didn’t have to!” your exclamation may have been dramatic but perhaps that is what saves you from spending another minute in the eyes of these noblewomen.

the elation coursing through your vein after finally being able to leave, clouds your better judgement. it is only once you’re in the carriage that bears the house of min’s double dragons and the carriage begins to shake gently five minutes into the ride, do you finally come to your senses, “where... are we heading off to, duke?”

the aforementioned man is already staring at you, wine red eyes piercing through your soul as he sits across from you. arms crossed over his chest, “you used me.”

it doesn’t take a genius to understand what he means, “it was my mother’s idea to have you come and meet me in the garden but yes, i did use up one favor that you owed me.”

when his stare doesn’t lighten, you find yourself involuntarily lulling your head to the side as though looking at him from a slightly different angle would give you the answer you’re looking for.

he must have noticed too when his stiff shoulder line finally sags, eyes fluttering shut as he exhales silently.

“it seems i finally understand why you wish so strongly to be consulted beforehand,” the confession hovers in the air like the white clouds that dots the sky. plainly meant without any hint of malice. and perhaps, it’s the never-before-seen innocence that urges you to explain yourself.

“if you think i’m punishing you, your- i mean, yoongi,” you correct yourself at the faintest pout that appears on that gentle visage, “then you’re mistaken-”

“i know,” he throws a troubled gaze out of glass window, “you’re not that kind of woman.”

in the midst of the gentle shake of the carriage and his hair swaying to frame his features, you wonder what exactly the type of woman he sees you as.

but you swallow the question that teeters on the tip of your tongue as you too, avert your gaze to the moving scene on the other side of the window, “very well.”

x

for the first time, the silence you share with another person does not make you want to barge through the door and escape. since you could walk and talk, your mother has been hiring tutors to help you with academia and etiquette lessons as well as host garden parties to help you make acquaintances with the other ladies of the noble households.

before you met the crass boy that talks too much and lack the refinement of a noble, you did think that those ladies you gathered with were your friends. but you couldn’t raise your voice at them without being branded rude. couldn’t talk about the state of other kingdoms without being side glanced as if you’re teetering over areas of interest that doesn’t suit a lady of a noble house.

but seokjin was inevitably a boy. you appreciate that what you couldn’t mention to the ladies, you could talk freely with him.

secretly, you yearned for a friend who you could rave about the latest fashion and jewelries without being shut down and revert the attention to what high-end dress their father and mother bought for them.

that is, until you met isabelle. she did not share your sentiments about how repulsive and superficial these gatherings were. that they were mere means to survive in this social world. without an influence, one is regrettably nothing. but she wasn’t one to jump in on the bandwagon of badmouthing one of the ladies behind their backs when they’re not there. though, she did nothing to stop it either. unlike you, she had no stance in anything.

perhaps that was why you wouldn’t allow yourself to become more than acquaintances but less than friends to her. but if and when yoongi acts and baron armwell is exposed for his crimes, she would be done for.

perhaps it’s the guilt that eats at your conscience. perhaps it’s the part of you that values the camaraderie formed between you and isabelle. but either way, you say, “yoongi, the warrant for baron armwell’s arrest should be ready right about now, yes?”

his stare remains indecipherable but his lack of refute gives you confidence in your assumption, “i’d like to use that last favor you owe me.”

if baron armwell is caught, then the warehouses would be seized by the king in compensation for the losses incurred from his thieving. then, the armwells would have nothing to sustain them. and their gambling-addict son can’t be relied upon to do something about it.

“isabelle has been learning the ropes of managing the warehouses,” with hands crossed over your chest, you lean back against the carriage, the picture of the timid but apt lady’s smile flashing behind your eyes, “if baron armwell is arrested then most likely, the warehouses will be seized but if isabelle or the baroness confess to the baron’s crimes...”

“-then they might be able to keep the warehouses and only source of income,” the man finishes for you.

“yes,” you find yourself nodding, “she may not know what her father’s been up to but she’ll learn to accept it to save her poor mother and get the king to send her brother into a rehabilitation center so he won’t continue gambling what’s left of the money they have.”

you can’t be the one to tell her because it would be oddly suspicious that you’re the friend she told her family secrets to and your supposed fiancee is the one who will be arresting her father. and there’s no telling which path she’ll take even if it was you who told her. but, it wouldn’t be a problem if one of your vassals is the one to approach her.

“could you give me time to make her come to you instead of arresting the baron?”

the moment that he takes to ponder on your request sends tremors down your spine. no matter how many times you force yourself to meet those calculating scarlet eyes, you can never get used to the feeling of having your dress stripped off to expose every part of you.

“you wouldn’t accept my help even if i offered, would you?” he finally says - unexpectedly so.

something tugs on your conscience as isabelle’s azure blue eyes flash at the back of your mind - those same eyes will be filled with tears because of you, “no, i have to do this myself.”

“very well,” he nods, a trace of reluctance clouding his eyes, “but you don’t win wars alone.”

it takes a moment for you to register his words and the warning that comes with it. politics is a different kind of war with words as weapons, “you don’t win wars through brute force either.”

the silence that befalls the carriage not unexpected. there are few people who’s ever seen holding a conversation with the duke. though he’s accrued a large sum of inheritance from his title, enough to threaten the royal family, his family’s lack of interest in the throne has allowed the previous king to turn a blind eye to the ducal house’s lack of presence at important events. or rather, that was exactly the reason the previous kings sighed in relief when they heard the min family.

“...quite a formidable opponent.” it’s not the untimely untterance after the conversation has ended that catches your attention, but it’s the faintest trace of smile on his face that makes your eyes widen in surprise.

“your grace?” you almost regret speaking at all because the smile disappears into a frown for the longest moment before the realization hits you, “sorry, you told me to call you by your name, yoongi.”

“as long as you know,” he doesn’t seem as displeased but the smile is gone as he shifts his eyes out to the window.

the carriage has come to a trot. the sight of the street and vendors lined up along it coming into view. though you’re still sitting across from each other, the invisible distance seems to evaporate into thin air. and for some reason, though you don’t notice how or when the silence’s changed into something comfortable, you find yourself wanting to break it. just so he’d look at you - he always does when’s speaking to you. and perhaps that smile you’re starting to think is from your imagination, would come back.

and what’s better than to blurt out a mindless wonder as to why he led you to his carriage where the footman who stared at you with mild surprised. greanted, his master came back after not even 15 minutes of being inside the manor. yoongi’s answer is a straightforward one - as the man himself.

yoongi doesn’t mean to steal you away from your home nor does he actually have a slot booked at whitlace.

“it looked like you were suffocating in there,” he simply says, wine red eyes fixed at the window, but a heartbeat later, he turns to you with wide eyes, as though he’s just thought of something, “unless you wish to go there - i’m sure count wynver wouldn’t have any objections to a duke dropping by without notice.”

“actually, there’s somewhere else i wish to visit but never got the chance to,” you divulge, the smile on your lips somewhat freer than you expect to be.

“alright,” lifts an eyebrow, that faint smile on his lips making him appear like a playful youth than a feared overlord and confirming your state of sanity, “but you’ve used up all your favors, this time you’re owing me.”

“fair enough,” the line of your shoulders jolt in a shrug, your much noticeable smile on your lips.

x

just as the palace holds a celebration for the returning knights, so does its people. the streets seem livelier than ever with merchants busily trying to attract customers, laughter echoes from every corner and knights bearing the royal family’s uniform clicking their heels together and standing in salutation until yoongi gestures for them to be at ease.

“the crown’s changed but it doesn’t seem like anything else has,” you assert, returning mrs. rutherson’s smile. it’s been three years since leslie’s introduced you to these people who cared for her before she came to serve you.

“you would think riots would be breaking out all over the kingdom but because of seokjin’s status - a maid’s son, the people seem to be more accepting of the ‘half-bred prince,’“ that’s the name the aristocratic faction calls him and sometimes the royal faction as well, “granted, the first thing he did as king was distribute seeds to the people to prepare for winter.”

seokjin rose to throne by taking his father, the previous king, and his brother, the crown prince’s lives with the help of bonyth, the rival kngdom of cearis. the two have been in a tense political relationship since the last twenty five years due to their similar economic backgrounds.

and because of that, his position is vulnerable as the royal faction must feel that they’d been betrayed by the sudden siege while the aristocrat faction has been divided into two sides. one sees this as a chance to strengthen their influence by supporting the new king and the other is wary of his connections with the outside world - some believes he’d sold the kingdom to bonyth and that cearis is now an unofficial territory of the bonyth with seokjin acting as the puppet king.

a familiar voice rasps, bringing you back to the present, “you spoke as if you detest the king for blackmailing you yet you say his name so naturally. i’ve also never heard of you praising someone so generously”

it doesn’t take a genius to know the unspoken words that comes with his assertion: it makes one wonder what your true relations are with each other.

you don’t know where yoongi’s loyalty lies. in the beginning, making seokjin think that you have the upper hand to crush his already vulnerable position by pretending that yoongi likes you, seems like an easy task. all you needed was to gain yoongi’s trust that you can attain any kind of information he needs in exchange for his presence. the matter of why seokjin is offering a marriage with the 12th prince of aflar was buried by your tip off about baron armwell but it all goes to naught because of one slip of tongue.

out of all the time you could say that foolish king’s name, it had to be when you’re with the duke. the knight who slayed thousands of enemies on his own in the battlefield. yet also the same man who listens to you while you talk with a faint smile.

and perhaps it’s because of that side of him that allows you to find the ease you need to respond, “the house of ___ has never chosen sides and because of that, i grew up learning to give credit where it’s due but criticize what is ordinarily wrong. as for my using his majesty’s name...” you pause, shifting through the possible excuses that could be of use until you find one.

you could tell him that you couldn’t accept seokjin’s rise to the throne so you’ve been using his name when talking about him in private and only now did it slip up. or you could tell him you’ve been head-butting since you were sixteen and him, eighteen.

but a considerable amount of time must have passed while you ponder on your reasons to make yoongi clear his throat, “it seems you too, have your secrets.”

at that, you crane your neck in search for his eyes, only noticing now that you had your head lowered in reluctance.

“raise your head, i’m not going to force you to tell me,” the gruffness of his voice is strained, “and people are watching and i’d rather not have my name slandered by another one of those baseless rumors. grim reaper and beast of war is enough.”

so he knows the versions of him spoken from people’s mouth. without realizing it, you find yourself gazing into a pair of distraught crimson eyes. except this time, they’re glancing around warily and not gazing into the windows of your soul.

“then, yoongi,” when they do capture your gaze, they’re not as terrifying as you found them to be but the idea you’re about to propose is absurdly embarrassing, “since we’re already rumored to be engaged, you should hug me to show that it was just a small quarrel and that we’ve settled it peacefully.”

a dust of pink spreads across the man’s face and ears as you watch his eyes widen in surprise once your suggestion registers. but your own cheeks are not without their own heat.

his arms that band around you are strong yet gentle. it takes you back to the first dance you shared at the palace. he holds you as he did before, like a porcelain doll that would break under the slightest pressure. except this time, there’s no music and the distance between you is nonexistent as you tell yourself that there’s no other way to hug without having your cheek pressed against his chest.

x

when you return, your mother swings the door open at the clamorous sound of the hooves and horses neighing. yoongi escorts you to the door, dipping into a bow with a hand on his chest in greeting to your mother and in parting to you. neither of you say a word but your face still burns like the sun is blazing inches from you and yoongi still sports a faint shade of pink.

“so? how was it? did you get the most expensive jewel in the store?” the question your mother shoot as she follows you into the hallway is met with a meek, “we didn’t go whitlace.”

unbeknownst to you, after you retreat to your room, your mother and leslie share a smile. though one is of utmost delight, the other is glad that you’re home. it seems you’ve been out for too long.

“did you see that?” your mother quizzes, “they may not have gone to whitlace but something must have happened to make them act bashful and shy to each other when they pretended to be so at ease this morning,” her lips curl at as a thought crosses her mind, “perhaps, they-”

“madam,” leslie smiles, “it’s time for dinner.”

that was a week ago.

“it was just a hug!” you cry out, cheeks warm like the sun that shines over the mansion and pours through the window of your room, “and it was to help him mend his reputation even just by a little, why do i have to get so worked up over it?”

“oh my, i was about to wake you up but it seems you don’t need my help, my lady,” a fluttery voice echoes from next to you.

it takes a moment for you to take in the woman’s unfaltering smile and her round brown eyes. another moment to register that perhaps the reason you couldn’t hear yoongi’s footsteps the first time you met wasn’t because he had inhumane strength but because you’re terrible at noticing your surroundings - because you’re so sure you’ve been awake for ten minutes and if she’d walked in any earlier, the normal thing to do was to announce once’s presence... no?

“leslie!” this time, the cry that escapes your lips is of a different nature. namely a chilling kind of surprise, “when did you get here?”

the woman’s head lulls to the side, searching through her memories. “since thirty minutes ago, i stepped behind the curtains to wipe the window because i didn’t want to open them and disturb your sleep until it’s time for you to wake up.”

“i-i see,” you assert, cheeks hot from the embarrassment of getting caught venting into nothing but the air.

“oh, and congratulations on your engagement with the duke, my lady,” her voice echoes off the walls whilst her body disappears into the closet, “his majesty is terribly kind as to let you throw the engagement party at the palace. or could it has something to do with the fact that it’s his cousin’s engagement?”

nodding mindlessly as you rub the sleepiness from your eyes, “yes, he’s very-” your mouth clamps shut, “wait, what engagement party?”

x

a letter arrived just this morning bearing the golden crest of the crown. rather than a notice to let the lady who’s getting engaged, know that she may hold the engagement party at the palace - it’s an invitation to said party dated three months from now as if he was hosting his own engagement party. seokjin, that good-for-nothing king. he’s done it this time.

begrudgingly, you trudge towards the carriage you told leslie to have ready by the time you’re done with breakfast.

“good morning,” the coachman shoots you an unsuspecting smile, “to the palace then, my lady?”

his voice echoes from the small window across from you. a compartment that allows you to slide open and make communicating with the coachman easier. it seems your visits to the palace have been so frequent that even the coachman would expect you to head there whenever you’re not out with leslie.

sighing, you internally put a stop to the war waging inside you. if it had been a month ago that’d he’d pull something like this, you would have marched straight to the palace and into his office, demanding him to retract the invitation.

but then, a month ago, you weren’t caught up with the rumor - which you suspected to be spread by seokjin - about marrying the grim reaper of the kingdom.

“no,” with a hand on your throbbing head, you recall the conversation you had with yoongi in his carriage - to consult before one of you acts, “to the duke’s residence.”

x

“the king has stirred quite a mess,” yoongi asserts. the golden engraving of the same letter lying in your drawer lying on top of the mahogany table he’s at. his office is as big as your room with a wall-sized window behind the table, allowing the rays of sun to pour into the room and cast a halo over him. somehow the sight of his wine red eyes glowing sends a hot shiver down your spine. the urge to hurl yourself away is still present but your shoulder line is at ease and so is your heart.

“i’m sorry,” your head hangs low in, eyes unable to meet his. not after you’d been the sole cause of this, “this is all my fault if only i hadn’t asked you to pretend to be my lover. i’ll go to the royal palace and-”

“___.” yoongi’s voice slices through the otherwise silent room. you can see him stand up and step out of your periphery.

his voice had always been chillingly cool. it’s impossible to tell how he feels. the first time you met him, you thought he would be the kind of man that spoke with swords and listens less to reason but the more you got to know him the more far off your assumption seemed to be.

a man who conceals his emotions and strikes when you least expect it, is a much dangerous adversary.

a pair of polished leather shoes comes to a stop just inches from your knees, the owner’s legs crossed as he leans against the edge of the table, “i can’t let you do such a thing. do you know the law states that a lie told to royalty sends you to lifetime imprisonment?”

the bottom of your lips begin to feel sore from having trapped between your teeth as worry flood your bloodstreams. a whole different riddle all together would be seokjin. just when you thought you have him figured out, he pulls out a wild card that gets you biting your nails while anticipating his next move. yet mortifying as the circumstances has turned, if you were to go back in time in the alley next to the orphanage, you would without a doubt, take the hand that asks for your support.

“i’ll be fine but you won’t,” you meet the steel gaze of the duke’s but instead of feeling like you’ve been stripped naked of your clothes, you see the curious wonder in those eyes. as though his search for the deepest part of your soul has come up tails, “he’s going to use this as a chance to show them that you’re on his side - it’s not a matter of who’s pretending to be whose fiance anymore. the day you step into politics may come but not because of.”

the silence stretches on as his eyes pierces into you when you’d looked up in the heat of the moment.

“if we don’t go, it’ll give the opposing faction a reason to start a riot because it’ll be direct indication of the house of min standing against the crown but...” he states smoothly before trailing off. as though he already knows the workings of politics despite spending a portion of his lifetime on the battlefield.

“since he rose without any noble house’s help - not those publicly known at least - we don’t know which one is the opposing faction.”

“for a king who didn’t receive any education to prepare him for the throne, he’s quite aggressive with his assertion of power.” you can’t help but raise your eyebrows at the complimentary tone that wraps around yoongi’s words.

but you push away the thought of him being one of those unknown households that supported seokjin in the background - if he was seokjin’s ally, it would make better sense if he stayed in cearis instead of joining to war.

“but if we attend,” those red eyes captures yours - it’s no secret what he’s thinking because-

“the house of ___ will be indirectly announcing its support for the king as well.”

judging from the long standing reputation founded upon by your great ancestors, you attending your own engagement party held by seokjin would be equivalent to chopping down the ancient tree of impartiality towards the crown and its fellow nobles. but if you didn’t nip the seeds of war at its bud, there’s no telling what would befall the kingdom if riots begin to break out, orchestrated by a faction with less to lose.

“neither option is favorable. if se- his majesty is dethroned and another puppet king is placed from either one of the factions, it’ll only showcase cearis’ political vulnerability to the whole world and give other nations a reason to wage war against us. not to mention the civil war that might break out beforehand.”

it is a second after you finish, do a sigh leaves yoongi’s mouth. a hard line gracing his lips but his eyes softens with something unfamiliar.

“somehow i hate the fact that i knew you’d decide to choose the peaceful way out even if it meant sacrificing yourself,” a gloved hand slips under yours, thumb grazing your trembling knuckles.

the lips that presses against your skin sends butterflies fluttering in your stomach. but more than anything, your heart swells with a sort of emotion you don’t dare speak of - the implications of his words are as clear as your reflection in his eyes.

but i won’t let you hurt yourself in the process.

x

note. shout out to the realest @fanfuckingfic​ for hyping up this series i lov you b!! also taglisting @mingrasschoi (can’t tag) and @ayujmi​!!

[thefolioarchives]

Reading of 2021, part II

I had higher hopes for publishing this list in January or whenever it was, but I’ve been sticking to my reading this year. Lately I’ve been trying to move away from my endless reading list on amazon. Something that sounded appealing 2 years ago, might not now. And I feel like my reading is better off for it. 

5. To Be Taught, if Fortunate by Becky Chambers Over the course of 2020, Becky Chambers quickly became one of my favourite authors. I love her sci-fi about normal people, how she writes about their day-to-day tasks (for example about astronauts on an expedition to explore 4 exoplanets) who simply go about their damn business. There exists such a joy amongst these characters, such a passion for what they’re doing. I love her way of describing alien life, how it’s important not to assume that life on other planets is the same as on Earth (WEAR A DAMN SPACE SUIT, KIRK JEEZ), and that life can exists within such different parameters. Loved this book so much. LOVED. 

6. The Only Harmless Great Thing by Brooke Bolander In a world where elephants are “sentient” and a whole world is impacted by the horrific death of one elephant, an event that occurred over a hundred years ago. Bolander has an interesting way of writing, intense and frenetic, and we’re constantly jumping back and forth in time. This is a novella and I think it could have benefited from being a longer piece. To let the world breathe a little more. 

7. The Queen’s Bargain by Anne Bishop When I was 17 I read Bishop’s Black Jewels trilogy and it had me hooked. It’s dark fantasy with a lot of romance and sex, and it talks about a lot important issues like consent and sexual abuse. Some of it is quite horrific and I have not read enough literature like this to be able to compare it to something else. This is the 10th Black Jewels book that has been published. It takes a while to get going and there is a lot of faffing about, and I appreciate that not everyone has the patience for that. I’m completely fine with it as I love this world that Bishop’s created and the characters and the magic system. Throughout the story, however, I’m constantly made aware of how long it’s been since the last time I read a Black Jewels book and I can’t remember some of the details. Bishop guides me through the story, taking this into consideration, sometimes a little too considerate. But what I’m left with is essentially wanting more. So much more. I want to read about the Scelties and more about their society in general. I want to read about Marian. Just more of everything please. 

8. Who Fears Death by Nnedi Okorafor The main character in this story is such a tour-de-force, such a complicated, angry, awesome and terrifying young woman. I love the comradery that develops between the different characters throughout the novel and how the they’re all trying to figure it out together. And finally a book about young people who actually! have! sex!

9. Artificial Condition by Martha Wells I’m not that familiar with androids and bots outside of Star Trek (Data is my favourite). So I’m finding this entrance into this subgenre very pleasant. This is Well’s second Murderbot novella. I love Murderbot’s interaction with the transport ship bot. There is such an interesting juxtaposition between the two and their relationship provides insight into what life is like for these mechanical life forms who serve humans, and suffer anxiety and depression as a side effect of their intelligence. The relationship between Murderbot and ART is lovely, and the scene of them watching TV shows together is precious. Because they care so deeply, as humans clearly don’t understand them. I hope these books take on creating a better dialogue between androids/bots and humans, because the humans in this universe clearly have no idea what they’ve invented. Murderbot has her governor module removed and she still ends up helping humans in the end, she’s ultimately obsessed with humans and what they create. This story fills me with such emotions and I heartily recommend. 

[mandadoration]

ice cold

summary: (Soulmate AU) The fates haven’t been kind to you ever since you had your soulmate’s words etched right above your hip in scrawled handwriting, especially since it was a threat. But you had hope that maybe it was in jest, only to realize it was very much a threat when a Mandalorian bounty hunter is the one saying them to you. 

word count: 2, 782

pairing: mandalorian x reader

warnings: swearing, smut, low-key a footjob at first??, public sex, voyeur kink (does a droid count…?), oral sex (male receiving), ruined orgasm

a/n: This wasn’t going to be smut at first, but I was like… a horny bitch sO. Just a short little smut thingie while I keep chipping away at my other series. 

Read this on AO3

You were starting to seriously doubt if those credits were worth having to hide for the rest of your life. 

Okay, so maybe that was an exaggeration. You wouldn’t have to be running or in hiding for the remainder of your life, but you won’t be able to show your face until whatever political turmoil was over and your name was already in the history logs and grey was streaking in your hair. Maker knows how long that will take. 

So for now, after having assassinated some politician or noble or both from Hosnian Prime, you had fled to an ice planet with no name in the Outer Rim to rest and recover for a week or two before you had to continue to keep moving. While it was nice to know that you had the credits to settle down and comfortably lay low for several years, there was no doubt that there were already a handful of pucks and tracking fobs out there literally with your name on it. So instead you had bought the thickest fur coat credits could buy when you had decided on this no name icy rock.

It was still freezing. 

You stare unhappily at your reflection in the quickly cooling cup of caf as you try and think of warmer places and sun under your ridiculous coat. You look like a damn nerf with how the fur curled up around your face. It was a gamble spending the credits to get this. You had bought it in a rush and barely raised a single noise of complaint when the vendor had told you the price. The shopkeeper had watched you with a wary eye, making sure the credits were real and frowning at you when you tapped your fingers impatiently against the table top, but eventually handed the coat over to you as you practically sprinted off-world. What was the point of having such a disposable income if you couldn’t spend it without raising a few suspicions? You wish that you could pull off the noble, high-class lady some of your assassin “friends” could do. If that were the case, you would’ve instead decided to hide away in some secluded resort under the guise of nobility trying to escape everyday life. That was a better alternative than this. You sigh and push the caf away in favor of pulling your scarf over your face to try and make sure your nose didn’t freeze off as you scan the room again. 

The cantina is quiet, save for the howling wind that’s picked up outside. It’s pitifully small and understocked with a single droid bartender idling, not enough customers to even be polishing glasses. There’s only two other people in here, both bundled up like you so that you can’t exactly tell what species they were. You figured that they were from some random outpost miles away in the snow. Some kind of mining business, you think, but the cold is making your teeth rattle and you can’t bother to follow that train of thought. The lighting is minimal here, the swirling snow outside blocking what little natural light there is. 

The door to the cantina opens, and all heads turn to see who it is. 

Your heart drops when you recognize the glint of beskar and the emotionless helmet of the Mandalorian in the threshold. You immediately burrow deeper into your coat and scarf, hoping that he would see that there was no one of import here and would leave, but he knows better than that. He scans the room once, his gaze stopping when he spots you huddled in the corner with wide eyes. Before you can even think about trying to leave, he strolls right up to your booth, footfalls heavy as he slides in the seat across from you without any preface. You stare at the dark ‘T’ of his visor, jaw clenched shut to stop your chattering. The Mandalorian places a puck on the table, and slides it over, showing the rotating hologram of your face. Your gaze is torn from your scowling image as he shifts to show the blaster he’s got attached to his hip. You don’t say anything, but instead opt to narrow your eyes and fix him with the harshest stare you can muster as you sit motionless in your seat. You doubt it actually does anything, but you were not about to let him bring you in after you had made the biggest paycheck in your life. 

“I can bring you in warm,” he says, voice smooth despite the crackling of the modulator, “or I can bring you in cold.” 

“I don’t think I can get any colder than I already fucking am,” you retort before you can even realize that now you’re burning up, heat emanating from the words scrawled across your left hip. At that, both you and Mando freeze, and it’s not because of the cold because now you can feel sweat trickling down your neck from the warmth that’s blooming though you, knowing the same is happening to the still bounty hunter across from you. You burst out in bitter laughter, the sound echoing through the cantina that you now realize is empty of the two previous patrons when Mando walked in. You tug your scarf down to try and combat the sudden heat. “Just my luck,” you chuckle, “that you of all people are my soulmate.” You lean back in your seat. Mando makes a sound of agreement, but he’s relaxed a little, too, shoulders slumping down from their previously rigid stance. Besides that, he betrays nothing.

You’re not sure what Mandalorians thought of soulmates, but in your culture, soulmates were a sacred thing. Two beings bound together with the song of each other’s voice, marked by their words on your skin. In this great, wide universe, it was rare nowadays that you would find your soulmate. Light years and status separated people from each other, especially with how rocky things were with the New Republic trying to get its feet under itself. If your soulmate was found, it was a celebration of such a sacred moment. But if you remember, your planet had been torn apart by war, and soulmates were the last thing on everyone’s mind as they scrambled to survive. You included. 

You pick up your cup of caf again, now completely cool, and take a sip as you watch Mando over the rim. That searing heat is starting to fade away, but the words stay warm. You feel your cheeks start to get splotchy from the cold. He tugs at the cape around his neck, but his gaze never drifts from your face. You won’t lie, his unyielding gaze is making you uncomfortable. If you could just see him, it would make things easier, not to mention you want to know what your soulmate looked like. You put the cup down. 

“I don’t suppose you can let me go?” you ask him. He shakes his head. 

“Bound by fate or not, I still gotta take you in. I’m guessing you won’t mind if you get colder, hm? I’ve heard carbonite can be quite cold,” he responds, tapping his fingers on the table before reaching out to take the puck back. Maker, his voice sounds so nice. You wish you could spend forever listening to it. It was nice and rich, and you swear you could hear the slightest tinge of flirtation when he talked to you. Still, he was a bounty hunter, and he still had the intentions to bring you in. You tilt your head and smile. 

“I think I do mind,” you say, voice low. In your mind, you formulate a little plan. You just needed to distract him until the wind outside died down a little… “I don’t really like being in carbonite. Doubt there’s anyone that actually likes it.” Mando sighs.

“That’s too bad,” he says cooly. Good. At least he’s entertaining you so far. 

“Quite.” You tilt your head as you rake your eyes over him, finger trailing over the rim of the cup in circles as you gnaw on your bottom lip, the other hand playing the with collar of your fur coat. 

And now you’re dragging your shoe up his leg, ignoring the ammo and the armor as you gently make your way up higher and higher and higher until you hear his breath hitch. You grin wickedly as you press the sole of your boot against his cock. Besides the smile playing at your lips, your face betrays no emotion, mirroring the lack of emotion on Mando’s helmet as you continue to play with his cock. 

“What are you doing?” Mando grits out, voice low. He hisses at a particularly rough swipe. You’re usually more nimble and do things with more finesse, but it was difficult when your boots were thick and your legs were half-numb from the cold. However, Mando still responds, shifting in his seat and spreading his legs a little wider under the table; looks like he doesn’t mind you being a little rough. You wish you could see how hard he was for you, but instead you focus on how his hands clench on the table.

“What do you mean?” you ask innocently, pouting your lips as you continue to prod him under the table. 

“We’re in public,” Mando mutters, but you feel him thrust up.

“There’s only a droid,” you scoff, nodding your head in its direction where it still sits idling. You pull your foot back, preening and how he lets a sound of displeasure. “But let me know if someone else walks in,” you add on, just before you slip under the table. 

“What are you-- oh--!” Mando’s knee jerks up, narrowly missing your face and hitting the table when you palm him over his pants. The lighting is nearly none down here, but you can see how much he’s straining under his pants. You hum under your breath, cursing your numb fingers as you fumble with the buckle, and pointedly ignore the blaster. But eventually you get it open, and you pull his throbbing cock from his pants. He’s half hard, deliciously thick, and you nearly moan when your fingers barely touch each other when you wrap a hand around it. 

As you smear the precum beading at the tip around the head of his cock, you peer at him from where you kneel between his legs. “Are you getting off on this?” you murmur. “The idea that someone could walk in and see me kneeling here?” A low groan rumbles in his chest when you give him a few pumps. His cock grows every passing second. You lick your lips before enveloping as much of him as you can in one fell swoop. He curses, a gloved hand reaching down to thread through your hair and tugging. You hate to say it, but you gag a little, his size forcing your chapped lips to stretch around him almost painfully. The inches you can’t swallow are taken care of by your hand, rotating your grip around him as you pull back. 

“I don’t bargain with bounties,” Mando says to you, breathless, chin to his chest as he observes how your eyes shine from tears. You spit into your palm and go back to languidly stroking him. The grip in your hair tightens. 

“Who says I’m bargaining?” you ask him, and suck the head of his cock as you pump him up and down. His legs twitch, and you dip your head down again. He’s amazingly receptive for someone that usually comes off so cold. You don’t complain. Instead, you bring your free hand to play with his balls as you continue to blow him. He huffs out a short laugh. 

“Then what are you doing?” he says back, voice strained, cutting off into a strangled groan when you gag around him. You’re aching and wet, but that was the least of your issues. You were too busy trying to hear the wind that was starting to die down over the roar of blood rushing in your ears. But Mando’s soft moans were so sinfully nice, drawing your attention back to the microscopic thrusts of his hips as he tries to hold back from fucking your mouth. You briefly what it would be like for him to actually do that, to hold your head steady, grip tight in your hair as he fucks into your mouth like that’s all you’re good for in the safety of some room instead of the open floor plan of a dingy cantina. 

You pull back, licking your lips as you pump his fat cock in fast, tight motions as you give yourself some time to breath. While you do so, admiring how he squirms in his seat, you spot the beginning of your handwriting in the same spot your mark is. Left hip. The I don’t think is cut off by his shirt, and you reach a thumb to move it out of the way. Mando’s other hand comes down to grab your wrist. “Don’t,” he warns, voice gravelly as he brings your hand away from his hip and back to his cock. You roll your eyes, but bring your head down again, if not for his sake then for yours, trying to ignore how your knees feel sore from kneeling on the cold, unforgiving ground. Mando has started to slowly release his self-control as he nears closer to orgasm, thrusting to meet the warmth and softness of your mouth.

Over his pants and your own gasps for breath, you hear the wind outside has died down significantly. You amp up your ministrations, taking him deeper and curling your tongue up the thick vein on the underside of his shaft everytime you go up, trying to speed up his orgasm. He audibly moans as that; he tries to smother it, but it’s loud and clear in the quiet of the cantina. Mando pulls at your hair painfully.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he growls under his breath. You feel his balls started to tighten and pull up as he teeters on the edge of cumming. It hurts, but you manage to pull off of him with one last hard suck and wrench out of his iron grip on your hair, removing your mouth and hands as he thrusts into open air, watching with sadistic amusement as cum dribbles pathetically out of him and down his cock as lets out a barely audible moan. You can practically feel his frustration from where you were. You pop back up from under the table, staring right where you think his eyes would be as you lick your lips again and wipe the saliva dripping down your chin off. His hands are back on the table, gripping the edge of the table in a tight grip, shaking with the effort of keeping his sounds contained. “You little shit,” he says after a moment. You smile at him with bruised and swollen lips, blinking up at him through your lashes, opening your mouth as if to say something, and you know Mando is looking at your glistening lips--

Instead you toss your cold cup of caf in his face and upturn the table. You dash to the door of the cantina before Mando can react, pushing the table off of him as he tries to get his bearings and tuck his soft cock back in. The bartender droid jerks awake, beeping at you as you leave without paying. It’s blisteringly cold outside, the wind biting at any exposed skin and nipping at your face, but you grit your teeth as you pull the scarf back over your face and jump on your speeder bike, hightailing it out of there and away from the cantina. The heat from the words on your hip start to fade as you get further and further away, but the burning, bubbling feeling of arousal stays. 

You know he’s letting you get away. The Mandalorian wasn’t called the best in the parsec without reason, and it would be easy for him to track you down again. He never lets a bounty get away. Having to leave this damned ice planet was no great loss to you. You had credits to spare and get you as far from here as possible. Not too far, maybe. Just enough that he’ll have to work a little to find you. You will be waiting for him when he does. You miss him already, and you’re really wondering what he sounds like unhindered by the helmet and unhindered with the fear of being walked in on.

[muesliforbreakfast]

Fabian Tactics

Part 1?

This one got a bit of traction on the sub, but is actually more of a salvage job of stuff I’ve had written down for YEARS but couldn’t get to work.

What are they running? Picture the Frontier Buccaneers by Johnsonting except with like a thick mesh cape type thing, and the rifle looks kinda like an RM277.

This doesn’t really matter, but I did a bunch of worldbuilding I’ll probably never get to use :’(

On an unrelated note - Look at this one by the same artist. If this dude had an EF88 I would actually lose my shit.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Cadet Ralek was the only one in his company behaving himself before the lecture. He came from a military family. Growing up he was steeped in discipline and tradition. But that wasn't his only reason for attentiveness. This weeks modules were focused on counterinsurgency, and todays lecture on the greatest insurgency of all, on that Ralek's uncle had been on the losing side of nearly two hundred years before. The Terran insurgency.

“HOLD FAST!” An NCO called, at the front of the lecture theater. The hall, full of chattering cadets fell silent as they all braced their upper limbs on their desks, whilst some officers went through their rituals, transferring command of the cadets over to the officer, who introduced himself.

“I am Second Lieutenant Orion, of the Federation Marine Corps. As part of today's module we have a very special presenter – Corporal Felix, of the Terran Heer.”

The class perked up at that – Terrans no longer had an army of their own; they hadn't had one for one hundred and seventy four years. The exact date that every race had been accepted into the Galactic Federation had been drilled into each and every one of them. They watched as an old, frail man was wheeled into the lecture theatre, ashy, paper thin skin hanging from his face. Civilian clothes in the Terran style, with several medals pinned on the left of his chest.

O1 Orion bowed politely and they whispered to each other. Then he pinned a microphone to Felix' lapel. He began to speak, with the thin, frail voice of a man nearing the end of his twilight years.

“Good evening cadets. I'm getting straight to the point because there's just one thing the Armed Forces of the Federation want you to learn from me. And because I want to deliver it to you. Before I drop dead.” The old man struggled to get enough air between his words.

The class laughed nervously. The old man gathered his strength, eyes closed, breathing slowly.

“We Terrans had inferior numbers and technology, and we were fighting a war of extermination, but we still beat the Empire. How did we do it? You.” Felix pointed at a cadet in the fourth row, with a bony, wavering finger. A Kelress, who looked like a four foot red panda.

“Sir, because humans are physically tough and aggressive apex predators, sir.”

Only the Ji Te who were in the theatre laughed at that. Only some of them. And only a little.

“Don't fucking swear at me, cadet. I'm a corporal, and I'm retired,” The whole class giggled that time, “You. You think that's funny. What do you think?” He said, as his frail finger pointed at one of the closer Ji Te, a hulking reptiloid in the second row.

“Because humans are sly, intelligent and patient, mister Felix. Your kind came up with tactics we simply couldn't counter. Over time frames we didn't anticipate.

“You could and you duh...did, cadet....... The empire was fighting a war of extermination; they blocked out our sun. And it only took us three years.”

The class had no answers to that. Felix pointed at another of the Isae in the room.

“You. Have you got answers for me?”

“I agree with the other cadets, Mister. But I would like to add, humans are willing to do anything to survive. Uh. Mister Felix,” The Isae replied.

“Mmmmm... A better answer. Maybe I should ask someone who knows,” The old man pointed at one of the Terran cadets scattered throughout the lecture theater, “You, young lady. What do you think?”

“Mister Felix,” she began, “In guerilla warfare and insurgency operations, all you need to win is to not lose. Classic Fabian tactics that go as far back as the Punic wars. Classic Maoist tactics of the 20th century. Deny the enemy resources and deny them battle unless it's at a time and place of your choosing. As long as someone survives, you haven't lost. Mister Felix.” The old retired corporal seemed to relax somewhat. He paused for a long while. His threat of dropping dead seemed like less of a joke by the minute.

“Straight from the pam. Good drills cadet.” He finally said, before pausing again.

“I was barely nineteen when the empire invaded. I was fresh out of basic training when the sun shield went up... I was lucky... I was evacuated by arkship less than a year later. By then we had been on less than starvation rations for months.”

The class exchanged looks. They were all thinking of the human reputation.

“What do we taste like?” Cadet Ralek couldn't help but ask.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Private Felix' section was running Personal Radios and Line of Sight communicators but for now they were doing it old school. Hand signals. They were patrolling their sunless planet, towards the location where the latest enemy incursion had been reported. As point man he was the first to see the glow of the enemy in the distance.

>Take cover

>Enemy contact front

>Enemy Squad 8-2-0m North North East

>Come here

His squad slowly lowered themselves to cover, and his squad leader made his way over to him.

“What do you see?”

“One of those wide slow walkers, being protected by a team of hunter-killers, I count 9. They're using spotlights and floodlights, they may not have optics.”

“They might have a team on overwatch that does”

“What do you think they're doing?”

“Science or harvesting, or drawing attention...” His section commander paused for a moment, “This kind of walker goes back to their smaller bases with a load, drops it off then leaves again... Stay here on overwatch, radio silence. Wait out for further instructions.”

His squad leader flashed hand signals, and left two of his squadmates with him, while they watched and waited.

Around half an hour later they had their orders.

Recon. Then kill them all, destroy the walker. Booby trap the bodies, hide and observe. Develop the situation.

His section commander flashed the hand signals for their orders. The squad took their positions across the walker and they awaited the signal.

A purple beam silently lanced from the squad commander's Modular Infantry Laser Rifle; the beam both squealed and thudded as it burst through one of the hunter-killer robot's bodies. The robot had barely begun to fall when each of the squad members rifle also lanced a robot body with their own beams. The robot corpses clattered and rattled lifelessly to the ground. The squad's aim then played across the legs of the walker where they attached to its thorax. It dropped to the ground with a prolonged thud, and then silence aside from the hydraulics within the walker trying in vain to move its legs. The squad took an all round defensive position around the area while the squad commander finished off the walker, his rifle punching a hole through the side for him to throw a plasma-grenade into. That done, they placed trip bombs under the HK bodies, accounted for everyone then moved off to their predetermined form up point less than half a kilometer away.

The whine of a dropship's engines steadily increased in volume over their whispers – the HK team's backup had arrived, in the form of another sixteen HK's, one of the nine foot tall crocs and a twelve foot tall mechsuit. The croc and the mechsuit was a lot of firepower. The squad quietly deployed from their form up point, crawling low and slow through the withered scrub towards the site of their previous victory. It had become easy to move quietly in the sunless dirt with the plants long dead. Their Matte Adaptive Camouflage absorbed a variable amount of light from the EM spectrum, from low energy IR to high energy UV. On their sunless planet, they were basically invisible.

A sharp crack filled the dark, and the croc dropped to the ground, briefly flailing in the dirt.

<honorless/shameless><brutes/thugs> have trapped bodies leave bodies be, take positions, bring <leaders>

The HK team had positioned itself in a perimiter around the fallen walker, the mech-suit stood lifelessly by it, and a pair of the three foot slugs were sliding towards the wreckage. One began to cut into the side of the walker with a plasma torch, while the other examined the legs that had been sheared off by laser beams. Not even the robots attended to the croc, which seemed to have bled out.

Felix looked to his squadmates and commander for orders.

>Squad rifles target HK's on my signal fire at will

>Squad heavy weapons target Mech on my signal three high impact rounds

>Extended File 10m spacing

Felix took his position in the formation and they began to close in on the invaders.

The squad commander's beam lanced out across the battlefield, scorching a hole through a robot body, and the squad unleashed a controlled burst of hellfire. In less than four seconds the hunter-killer team had been annihilated. Four seconds after that the mech-suit had been shorn it half at the waist by repeated high impact lasers.

The squad closed in on their hapless victims.

“Felix! Ballistic rounds on the slugs, fire at will! Heavy Weapons! Peel that Mech, kill the pilot! Alpha! Suppress! Bravo! Security!” The Squad commander was yelling now.

“Ten four!” He acknowledged his order, then drew his vintage Browning GP-35 as he closed in on the invaders.

mercy <owner/master/ruler> mercy let me live mercy

His universal translator filled his helmet with the slug's pleas for mercy. He sauntered to their cowering forms, their desperate clicking and screeching audible over the translation of their words.

He pumped three rounds into each.

“We eat tonight.”

At the mech, his squad had used their lasrifles to shear off the mechs arms and an ablative armour panel. A feeble, raccoon like creature about four feet tall had sprayed out the viewport with its small kinetic machine gun, but Zahn had responded with a short squirt of pepper spray. When the spray of kinetic fire stopped he simply reached in and dragged it out by the throat, its soft velvet fur ripped out through its ruined uniform as it raked past the broken viewport. Its screeching and whining unintelligible even to the universal translators. He drew his clearing knife and sliced across its throat, before driving its head against a corner of the broken mech once. Then twice. It fell limp, as if deflated, with the last sound it heard being Zahn's voice echoing into the dark “We eat tonight!!”

The Squad regrouped at the edge of a re-entrant, in the shallow valley the walker had been traversing.

The Commander quietly addressed the squad.

“I've called it in – we won't be rationed in for another week. Their reinforcements will be here within two hours, probably less, so we need to hustle. Zahn, Vorhut, store the badger and slugs. Forget the croc it's ruined.” The members of the squad fell out as they received their orders. “Kaiser, Ulan, Water and ammo. Felix, Erik. One AA mine and AP mines on that ridge there. The rest of you all round security. Ten minutes, Then we move.”

Felix and Erik both clambered up the hill with a sense of urgency, uncomfortably warm in their heat and light absorbing camouflage armour, despite the temperature being close to zero. They both hadn't eaten in days. Despite the bitter, earthy taste and the slimy, gelatinous yet tough texture, Felix was looking forward to his share of slug.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“You Isae taste absolutely vuh... vile...” He stammered out, then pointed at the Ji Te, “But you... You taste like salmon.”

[acupoftea1418]

A cup of tea

#001

Jung. Woo. Young. 

You may see him as a friendly guy, outgoing and loud. He was down to earth. He was known by every lecturer, every student and every service line worker.

The president KQ Medical University’s dance club. With him leading the club, they’ve managed to win multiple awards, even recruiting so many new juniors.

When he dances, it was like music ran through his veins. Music and dance, those two words, makes up his soul. Every event that happens in the school, without fail the dance team would appear. They spend many hours, practicing, sometimes even sleeping in the practice room itself. 

On the other hand, he was also a member of KQ Scholar, whereby KQ Med University offers him a scholarship. He was 4.00 CGPA holder for 2 years straight, securing his place as the most prestigious student there ever is. The girls wooed over him, boys want to be him. 

It wasn’t that y/n hated him, it was just his presence itself annoyed her. Every time they had lab sessions, y/n prayed not to be his lab partner but as if it was by fate itself, they’ve managed to be partnered in almost every lab practical ever existed in their module. 

He wasn’t serious at all during practical sessions, he was playful and often does more than required. It was what made him unique, critically thinking, thinking out of the box. He wouldn’t sit around, reading the manuals, he would use the extra materials provided to satisfy his own curiosities. There was once, he almost set the entire lab on fire, but he was quick enough to put it out. The lecturers only let him off with a fair warning as he was what the school needed to boost up their ratings. 

Usually y/n would spend majority of her time, catching up with assignments and experimental reports in the university library. She would be in her usual spot, with her laptop by her side and at least 3-4 books around her for referencing. You could tell that with many developing websites, books were outdated but it was where she felt comfortable. 

The same cohort, you may say. 

Don’t all university students get along? 

As future biomedics, you may think that Wooyoung would have more seriousness in him. That wasn’t the case at all. It was like as if he was blessed with photographic memory, he spends majority of his time in the dance studio with San and Yeosang, who were also KQ Scholars from different courses. 

Each of them, unique in different ways. 

y/n in the library, trying to reach for a book needed for referencing for report when another hand reached up. 

y/n turned only to be face to face with none other than the devil himself, Jung Wooyoung. 

Cocky, he was, he smirked. 

‘I need that,’ y/n said, pointing to the book that was tugged in Wooyoung’s arms. 

‘Too bad, I saw it first,’ Wooyoung said, turning away. y/n couldn’t believe what she heard. Clearly Wooyoung wasn’t even in sight when she saw the book. 

‘it’s okay y/n, senior year, another few more months and you’re done with this,’ y/n whispered to herself before browsing for another book to reference for. 

Little did y/n know that Wooyoung has been watching her, silently all the time when she was in the library, creepy but Wooyoung couldn’t take his eyes off her. 

She was beauty, she was grace, she was everything Wooyoung wanted in a girl. She was smart, independent. She tolerates every nonsense life throws at her. 

y/n and Wooyoung were both the only students from the Biomedical course that were able to secure a scholarship under KQ Med University. 

Though the conditions were different, Wooyoung was a prestigious and active student with a photographic memory, he didn’t need to put any effort when it came to memorizing biology related things. On the other hand, y/n was the student that thrives hard, she works hard. The both of them were like total opposites. 

‘I really need that book,’ y/n sighed. She was curious with what the content was and it could probably be the book that could contain the ONLY information she needed to finish her report. 

Wooyoung looked from afar, seeing how cutely frustrated she was. 

Every time she smiles, every time she stares off into blank space, when she writes down her notes, when she gets excited even by the slightest bit of random idea. 

It was like Wooyoung just kept falling for her. 

The past 2 years, Wooyoung had tried getting close to her, by making a mess especially during lab practical sessions when they are paired together. He knew he had everyone lecturer’s wrapped around his finger so he tries manipulating them to let him take y/n as his lab partner. 

He made noise, he was especially loud when she was present, all the trouble he went through just to steal her attention.

But, 

it was like she was dumb or something that she couldn’t sense it.

She just assumed that Wooyoung was really annoying and that every time he opens his mouth, y/n feels like shaving her hair off.  

Every girl student would DIE to even catch Jung Wooyoung’s attention and it was a like everyone knew Wooyoung had a crush on y/n except her. 

Other than trying to to cause trouble, he would also often put good words into the lecturer’s ears to boost her CGPA so he knows that they would be together more often. 

It was a known fact that she has a special place in his heart. 

San and Yeosang had been trying to get them together for the past 2 years but it was hard when y/n was hard to crack. She often shun the trio away and was often glaring at them when they made noise. They were widely known, everyone adored them. 

y/n’s attention diverted when a message notification was sent to her phone. 

Jung Woo Young: Do you need the book? 

Y/N: Yes, please. 

Jung Woo Young: Where are you? 

Y/N: I’m still in the library, if you’re nearby, could you pass it to me? 

Jung Woo Young: Oopsss, I happen to be nearby, how about a cup of tea before I pass the book to you? 

Y/N: Wooyoung, I don’t have time to play around, I have many reports to finish and due soon, I’m sure you do too. 

Jung Woo Young: I’ve finished them all. C’mon it’s just a cup of tea...

y/n groaned. 

Y/N: Promise me it’s just a cup of tea. 

Jung Woo Young: Just a cup of tea. 

[dungeondivebar]

Dungeon Dive Bar Crawl - Heck Knights In Space!

As we announced last week, we’ll be running a 24 hour stream for Extra Life on November 6 and 7! Check out that link for some more information on the stream and how to tune in.

Each Friday until the event itself, we’ll be publishing an interview with the GM of one of the adventures along with other material to get everybody super jazzed for the stream.

This week we’re talking to Megan, though you may know me better as Retha ;)

How long have you played TTRPGs in general? About five years now. I'd heard a lot about them beforehand, but could never find a group because no one in my tiny hometown was a nerd like me. Finally, in my freshman year of college, I found a group of nerd friends, including Alex, and started a D&D game. 5e was pretty brand-new at that point, so we started in 4e and then changed over not long after.

What is your favorite thing about TTRPGs overall? I love the character design. I'll usually start with a build and work out the concept as I go, but as I build further I usually find the character's personality solidifying in my head, and it's only a matter of time before they have a specific appearance, too. I'm an artist, after all. 

How long have you played Pathfinder and Starfinder in particular? I've been playing Starfinder basically since it was released. I was barely familiar with Pathfinder at the time; I'd played a game with some friends that fell apart after about four sessions, and at the time I wasn't a fan of all the rules and options. Starfinder seemed a bit more reasonable on the options side of things, though, since it was brand new.

I came over to Pathfinder via the lore. I've always been interested in divine casters, and I took an interest in the gods of Pathfinder as they were represented in Starfinder. It's a long story, but I started writing a Starfinder fanfic that had me digging deep into Pathfinder lore, and eventually I got interested enough to actually try to play the game, theorycraft some builds, and get involved in the community of a certain other Pathfinder podcast.

Have you ever been the GM of a campaign or module before? I'm not quite a "forever GM," but I have GM'd a lot. My GMing resumé includes a D&D 4e homebrew that turned into a 5e homebrew, a 2-year Starfinder homebrew, a running play-by-post of the Runelords trilogy, Against the Aeon Throne twice (plus a follow-up homebrew adventure one of those times), an attempt at Hell's Vengeance, a rewrite of Tyrant's Grasp for an all-divine party, the Pathfinder 2e adventure Agents of Edgewatch, and countless one-offs. (Notable one-offs included an all-Shelynite party braving Nidal and a tournament of universes where characters from the Forgotten Realms, Eberron, and Golarion came together to fight Tiamat.)

What is your favorite part of being a GM? Getting to make up my own stories or add my own elements to prewritten ones, and ultimately, getting to decide what system we're playing, though if we're doing a long-term campaign the players get some say in this too. I love setting up opportunities for roleplay. I also like seeing what characters people bring to the table, especially when they have a lot of backstory I can work into the campaign.

What will you be running for the Dungeon Dive Bar Crawl? Can you tell us a bit about it? I'm running a homebrew scenario I've temporarily called "Heck Knights In Space." As the name might suggest, I required all the other players to be Hellknights for this game, which mostly just translates to lawful-aligned in Starfinder, since there's only one archetype for it and I didn't want to force everyone to take it. I don't want to spoil anything for the players if they happen to be reading this, but the module's premise is centered around exploring an abandoned Hellknight Citadel that's been broken into and involves both starship and ground combat.

What are you most excited about when it comes to Heck Knights in Space? Getting the chance to combine two of my favorite things-- Starfinder and Hellknights. As far as the module's content goes, there are some enemies that I've been wanting to use for a while now, as well as some I built myself.

Why do you like Hellknights so much? 

...In all seriousness, though, I'm a very lawful person IRL, and also an edgelord. I first read about Hellknights in the Starfinder Pact Worlds book, and basically instantly fell in love. On a deeper level, I'm intrigued by the different Orders and their different philosophies-- I definitely don't like all of them. You've got everything ranging from a group of detectives whose specific objective is to take out bad-faith actors, to a group of bounty hunters that operate across multiple star systems while using their codes as protection from those systems' own enforcement organizations, to a group whose main "thing" is finding new and improved ways to summon devils and work infernal magic. And they all operate under the same overarching codes, the Measure and the Chain, with what I can only imagine are vastly different interpretations.

What do you like the most about the Starfinder system? The lore! The flavor! Watching people try to come up with a balanced party for starship combat (or not try, and then just utterly fail in starship combat... I’ve had that happen in a few Society games, oof) is always a good show. Building my own enemies to fit the campaign is always fun too, especially boss enemies.

Can you explain how starship combat works for the viewers? Screams internally well here goes nothing. PCs operate from within a starship and choose a role on the ship. The only part of their character build that's really relevant to what they're doing is the skill modifier they're using for that role. It usually becomes a team effort, though, because it's a collaborative game.

There's different phases in which different roles operate, though the captain and chief mate can operate in any phase they need to.

Engineering phase is first, and gives ships' engineers and magic officers a chance to repair any damaged systems or boost operational ones to give a bonus to anyone using them this turn.

Next is the helm phase, where pilots roll off for initiative. It's a bit like Star Wars X-Wings in how it handles initiative: the lower roll actually goes first, because whoever acts second has the positioning advantage. (I think at one point Paizo admitted that X-Wings inspired them). Also in the helm phase, the science officer can scan the enemy ship to gain info about it, or can move your shields around to defend the firing arc the enemy ship is facing.

Finally, there's the gunnery phase, where ships attack each other. Obviously, the gunners act during this phase.

It sounds really complicated, but it's easy enough to understand once you get going, as long as you understand what your role can do!

What do you think players are the most excited about? Depends on the player. I know David is super excited about the starship combat system. Alex is more interested in ground combat; he has a technomancer build he's been theorycrafting for a while. Sam is excited about the huge variety of race options; last I heard he was trying to make fetch shakalta happen. Though if that doesn't work, we might see a familiar face…

What do you think our viewers will enjoy the most? If my brother-in-law is any indication, the callbacks to a specific group of Hellknights in Pathfinder will be pretty fun. ;) 

And that’s it for this week’s interview! Tune in starting at 9PM Central on Friday November 6 for the stream and in the meantime, join us at the bar for new Dungeon Dive Bar episodes every Monday at midnight Central!

[makeetelich92]

Vitamin D: Why you're in all probability NOT obtaining Enough and the way that produces You Sick

What aliment might we'd like in amounts up to twenty five times over the govt recommends for U.S. to be healthy?

What vitamin deficiency affects 70-80 p.c of the population, is nearly ne'er diagnosed and has been coupled to many cancers, high blood pressure, heart disease, diabetes, depression,(i) fibromyalgia, chronic muscle pain, bone loss and autoimmune diseases like multiple sclerosis?(ii)

What vitamin is almost wholly absent from our food supply?

What vitamin is that the hidden explanation for a lot of suffering that's simple to treat? national vitamin company products

The answer to any or all of those queries is vitamin D.

Over the last fifteen years of my practice, my focus has been to discover what the body needs to function optimally. Vitamin D, a nutrient (more of a hormone and gene modulator) is a critical, essential ingredient for health and optimal function. The problem is that most of us don't have enough of it because we work and live indoors, use sun block and can't get enough from our diet--even in fortified foods.

Two recent studies in the journal Pediatrics found that 70 percent of American kids aren't getting enough vitamin D, and this puts them at higher risk of obesity, diabetes, high blood pressure and lower levels of good cholesterol. (iii) Low vitamin D levels also may increase a child's risk of developing heart disease later in life.

Overall, 7.6 million, or nine percent, of US children were vitamin-D deficient, and another 50.8 million, or 61 percent, had insufficient levels of this important vitamin in their blood.

The average blood level of vitamin D was 25 ng/dl for Caucasians and 16 ng/dl for African Americans. The optimal level is 45 ng/dl and requires about 3000-4000 IU a day of vitamin D3 -- 10 times current recommendations. If our whole population achieved a minimum level of 45 ng/dl, we would have 400,000 fewer premature deaths per year. There would be a reduction of cancer by 35 percent, type 2 diabetes by 33 percent and all causes of mortality by seven percent. (iv)

The economic burden due to vitamin D insufficiency in the United States is $40-$53 billion per year. This can be corrected for pennies a person per day.

Over the last five years, I have tested almost every patient in my practice for vitamin D deficiency, and I have been shocked by the results. What's even more amazing is what happens when my patients' vitamin D status reaches optimal levels. Having witnessed these changes, there's no doubt in my mind: vitamin D is an incredible asset to your health.

That is why in today's blog I want to explain the importance of this essential vitamin and give you six tips on how to get optimize your vitamin D levels.

Let's start by looking at the massive impact vitamin D has on the health and function of every cell and gene in your body.

How Vitamin D Regulates Your Cells and Genes

Vitamin D has a dramatic impact on the health and function of your cells. It reduces cellular growth (which promotes cancer) and improves cell differentiation (which puts cells into an anti-cancer state). That makes vitamin D one of the most potent cancer inhibitors--and explains why vitamin D deficiency has been linked to colon, prostate, breast and ovarian cancer.

But what's even more fascinating is how vitamin D regulates and controls genes.

It acts on a cellular docking station called a receptor that then sends messages to our genes. That's how vitamin D controls so many different functions--like preventing cancer, reducing inflammation, boosting mood, easing muscle aches and fibromyalgia and building bones.

Vitamin D also helps prevent the flu and colds and infections. In an observational study of Finnish soldiers, those with 25-hydroxyvitamin D levels higher than 16 ng/mL (40 nmol/L) had fewer respiratory infections than those with lower levels.(v) More recently, in a double-blind randomized controlled trial involving school girls, supplementation with 1200 IU/d of vitamin D3 during the wintertime significantly reduced influenza A infections.(vi)

These are just a few examples of the power of vitamin D. When we don't get enough it impacts every area of our biology, because it affects the way our cells and genes function. And many of us are deficient for one simple reason ...

Your body makes vitamin D when it's exposed to sunlight. In fact, 80 to 100 percent of the vitamin D we need comes from the sun. The sun exposure that makes our skin a bit red (called 1 minimum erythemal dose) produces the equivalent of 10,000 to 25,000 international units (IU) of vitamin D in our bodies.

The problem is that most of us aren't exposed to enough sunlight.

Overuse of sunscreen is one reason. While these product help protect against skin cancer--they also block a whopping 97 percent of your body's vitamin D production.

If you live in a northern climate, you're not getting enough sun (and therefore vitamin D), especially during winter. And you're probably not eating enough of the few natural dietary sources of vitamin D: fatty wild fish like mackerel, herring and cod liver oil or porcini mushrooms.

In addition, aging skin produces less vitamin D--the average 70-year-old person creates only 25 percent of the vitamin D that a 20 year-old does. Skin color makes a difference, too. People with dark skin also produce less vitamin D. And I've seen very severe deficiencies in Orthodox Jews and Muslims who keep themselves covered all the time.

With all these causes of vitamin D deficiency, you can see why supplementing with enough of this vitamin is so important. Unfortunately, you aren't really being told the right amount of vitamin D to take.

The government recommends 200 to 600 IU of vitamin a day. This is the amount you need to prevent rickets, a disease caused by vitamin D deficiency. But the real question is: How much vitamin D do we need for OPTIMAL health? How much do we need to prevent autoimmune diseases, high blood pressure, fibromyalgia, chronic muscle pain,(vii) depression, osteoporosis and even cancer?

The answer is: Much more than you think.

Recent research by vitamin D pioneer Dr. Michael Holick, Professor of Medicine, Physiology, and Dermatology at Boston University School of Medicine, recommends intakes of up to 2,000 IU a day -- or enough to keep blood levels of 25 hydroxy vitamin D at between 75 to 125 nmol/L (nanomoles per liter).(viii) That may sound high, but it's still safe: Lifeguards have levels of 250 nmol/L without toxicity.

Our government currently recommends 2,000 IU as the upper limit for vitamin D -- but even that may not be high enough for our sun-deprived population! In countries where sun exposure provides the equivalent of 10,000 IU a day and people have vitamin D blood levels of 105 to 163 nmol/L, autoimmune diseases (like multiple sclerosis, type 1 diabetes, inflammatory bowel disease, rheumatoid arthritis and lupus) are uncommon.

Don't be scared that amounts that high are toxic: One study of healthy young men receiving 10,000 IU of vitamin D for 20 weeks showed no toxicity.(ix)

You might have seen a recent study in the Journal of the American Medical Association that shows that a single high dose of 500,000 Units of vitamin D3 (one year's worth of vitamin D) increased the risk of falls and fractures in elderly woman.(x) Does this mean that vitamin D doesn't prevent fractures or falls? Absolutely not!

The design and logic of the study were completely wrong. As a friend once said, "The well meaning are often ill doing."

Imagine a study that gave people a year's worth of vitamin A, or iron (both are nutrients that are stored in the body like vitamin D) in one dose. The vitamin A would cause immediate liver failure and death. In fact, the way the Inuit used to kill explorers in the Arctic was to feed them polar bear liver, which gave them toxic doses of vitamin A. A year's worth of iron in one dose would cause severe intestinal problems and iron poisoning.

Biologically we understand why a single high dose of vitamin D may cause problems. A single high dose induces protective mechanisms that reduce the available vitamin D by increasing the activity of enzymes that cause the vitamin D to be broken down by the body. (xi) The body requires a balance of the right nutrients at the right dose at the right time. No one would eat a year's worth of anything in one day and expect it to be healthy.

The question that remains is: How can you get the right amounts of vitamin D for you?

6 Tips for Getting the Right Amount of Vitamin D

Unless you're spending all your time at the beach, eating 30 ounces of wild salmon a day, or downing 10 tablespoons of cod liver oil a day, supplementing with vitamin D is essential. The exact amount needed to get your blood levels to the optimal range (100 to160 nmol/L) will vary depending on your age, how far north you live, how much time you spend in the sun and even the time of the year. But once you reach optimal levels, you'll be amazed at the results.

For example, one study found that vitamin D supplementation could reduce the risk of getting type 1 diabetes by 80 percent.(xii) In the Nurses' Health Study (a study of more than 130,000 nurses over 3 decades), vitamin D supplementation reduced the risk of multiple sclerosis by 40 percent.(xiii),(xiv)

I've seen many patients with chronic muscle aches and pains and fibromyalgia who are vitamin D deficient--a phenomenon that's been documented in studies. Their symptoms improve when they are treated with vitamin D. A Danish study of Arabic women with fibromyalgia found significant vitamin D deficiency and recovery with replacement of vitamin D.(xv)

Finally, vitamin D has been shown to help prevent and treat osteoporosis. In fact, it's even more important than calcium. That's because your body needs vitamin D to be able to properly absorb calcium. Without adequate levels of vitamin D, the intestine absorbs only 10 to 15 percent of dietary calcium. Research shows that the bone-protective benefits of vitamin D keep increasing with the dose.

So here is my advice for getting optimal levels of vitamin D:

1. Get tested for 25 OH vitamin D. The current ranges for "normal" are 25 to 137 nmol/L or 10 to 55 ng/ml. These are fine if you want to prevent rickets -- but NOT for optimal health. In that case, the range should be 100 to 160 nmol/L or 40 to 65 ng/ml. In the future, we may raise this "optimal" level even higher.

2. Take the right type of vitamin D. The only active form of vitamin D is vitamin D3 (cholecalciferol). Look for this type. Many vitamins and prescriptions of vitamin D have vitamin D2 -- which is not biologically active.

3. Take the right amount of vitamin D. If you have a deficiency, you should correct it with 5,000 to 10,000 IU of vitamin D3 a day for three months--but only under a doctor's supervision. For maintenance, take 2,000 to 4,000 IU a day of vitamin D3. Some people may need higher doses over the long run to maintain optimal levels because of differences in vitamin D receptors, living in northern latitudes, indoor living, or skin color.

4. Monitor your vitamin D status until you are in the optimal range. If you are taking high doses (10,000 IU a day) your doctor must also check your calcium, phosphorous and parathyroid hormone levels every three months.

5. Remember that it takes up to 6 to 10 months to "fill up the tank" for vitamin D if you're deficient. Once this occurs, you can lower the dose to the maintenance dose of 2,000 to four,000 Units a day.

6. attempt to eat dietary thereforeurces of aliment D. These include:

• Fish liver oils, love cod liver oil. one TBSP (15 ml) = 1,360 IU of vitamin D• sauteed wild salmon. 3.5 oz = 360 IU of vitamin D• sauteed mackerel. 3.5 oz = 345 IU of vitamin D• Sardines, willned in oil, drained. 1.75 oz = 250 IU of vitamin D• One whole egg = twenty IU of vitamin D• Porcini mushrooms 4 ounces = four hundred IU of vitamin D

You can see currently why I feel so turbulently regarding vitamin D. This vitamin is crucial for good health. therefore begin aiming for optimum levels--and watch however your health improves.

[maltedmilkchocolate]

It’s almost august and I don’t know how i’m gonna get all my work done for the end of september :’D Probably gonna fail this module. I can’t focus. Everything I draw looks like shit. This was supposed to be a film under 2 minutes, and I can’t even work out the problems in it, and this is only storyboarding. I still need to do the environment design, and this was also meant to become 3D so i was meant to contact modellers and i’m gonna fail my course. I am overdue a breakdown. Ahahahaha. Ah. Fuck. Fuck this. Fuck COVID. I was doing so well, I was gonna do great and now i’m rapidly falling behind on my last module, and it’s not fair because a fucking pandemic shot me in the foot. I don’t even know if this damn course is going to exist again next year, because this was the first year that it came into existence. Ahahaha;;; If i’m the only person to fail in a class of 5 people, I’m gonna lose my shit. I am so stressed. I just want to be back in a class room and have a regular routine and not be losing my mind 24/7. I’m sure things aren’t as bad as they seem, but from my POV it’s a dumpster fire and I’d like the world to explode so I don’t have to participate in a world where I need a job and money and won’t have wasted EIGHTEEN FUCKING GRAND. 

And no one gets it, and I keep trying to ask for help, but despite what’s available to me, it’s not what I need because what I need is a fucking work environment in a studio. I can’t work from home. My brain doesn’t allow it. I need a rigid environment or I will crash and burn :D And it’s 3rd year uni all over again where there’s no classes and I’m not gonna get my final project finished, and this time, I don’t have a house full of other students on my course who are also stressed. It’s just me, on my own.  I’m so scared that I’m going to fail at this last hurdle. And every time I get stuck on a shot, and I don’t know how to draw something, I panic and I keep procrastinating work, because it’s so daunting. And I end up doing all my work at like 3am, cause i’m less likely to give a fuck when i’m tired, and I’ll get more done. And I don’t really know where to go from here, and I have been asking for help, but eight times out of ten it’s not what I need. And I’m spending so much time trying to fix one problem, that other problems get forgotten. I need help and I don’t know where to get it, and if I fail this then i’ve wasted peoples money, and ONCE AGAIN i’ve hit the fucking bar ADHD holds over my head, and no matter how well I do, or how much I succeed, it always caps off, and I can’t go any farther, and everyone else races off ahead, and I’m stuck at the ‘had a lot of potential mark’. I really want to love what i’m working on. But all I can see are all the problems, and all the things not finished yet, and I hate it. I want to start from scratch, but I don’t have the time.  Anyway, my 2 minute or under project is looking to be over 2 minutes, and that has spiralled me into nonstop crying :D I want to have all of this finished for tomorrow so I can show the teacher at 11am.  I’ve stubbornly stuck my feet in this profession since I was 11 years old. I’ve sunk my teeth into it so damn deep, and I will never let go. But damn if I don’t keep being like ‘maybe i’ll just end up in retail for the rest of my life.’ I know this will pass. But just once, just for once in my god damn life, I was succeeding and doing well. It took 28 years of my life to be good at something and to see myself doing well and succeeding. And a fucking pandemic really went and bulldozed over that.  I AM GOOD AT WHAT I DO. I really fucking am. But I can’t keep up with needing to do emails, and remember online events exist, and network online, and time-manage my work, and do all of these tasks so heavily reliant on having WORKING EXECUTIVE FUNCTIONS. 

And through all of this, I just sit there in a state of apathy, smacking my head against the wall of executive dysfunction, saying why can’t i just do this, whilst simaltaneously avoiding it because I have to climb a mountain for each task I want to do, and it’s easier to not do that.  I want to go back to university :D I want to be able to retake this module, and retake it at the university. Cause I really don’t know if I can salvage this.

COVID has ruined my life in a way that’s so minimal in the grand scheme of other peoples problems. But these are *my* problems, and I have never had help for ADHD my whole life until I got medicated at 26. And even then, medication alone didn’t do that much without something to work towards. And so when I joined this course last September. With medication, and routine, and people working around me, and easy access to teachers, and help... I was thriving for the first time in my life.  :D I’ve watched all of that go downhill since June. Two months. It took two months for my life to fall apart, and undo a whole year of progress.  I really can’t explain how crushed I am. Fucking hell. It’s really been 2 months since Module 4 ended and with it, all of the momentum and frequent daily meetings that kept me going at 110%. That feels like a slap in the face. All it took was two months and everything fell apart. Wow. That actually hurts.