#i'm a literal gremlin when i'm sleepy

[marvelfanfics1]

John B's and JJ's reaction when little!reader tells them that she skipped her nap today, looking at them like :3 and they know it will take a few more hours until they're back at the Chateau:

"You kiddin'..." "I knew it was going too smoothly today-"

[66sharkteeth]

more info about nine lives bc i'm stalling on work and wanna talk about him instead <3 most of this is about the version of him intended for the comic I want to do after City of Blank.

-his real name is Nico

-his mother was a succubus, meaning he is half incubus. because of this, his incubus powers are limited and only work over digital media. IRL, everyone sees him as a gross, weird little gremlin, but online or in streams, he can seduce (nearly) anyone.

-he goes by nine lives bc he is very sickly and always in and out of the hospital. when he was a kid, he was in so often the nurses started (lovingly) joking he had nine lives and it stuck. even his dad calls him that.

-he is deaf, but speaks english fluently. he lost his hearing around the age of 13 to bacterial meningitis. he's blind in his right eye because of this too, which is why he's often seen with his goggle mask. He wants to keep his left eye safe, because it's his last means of staying connected to the world.

-he does have a hearing aid but hates using it. he also never learned ASL and instead picked up quickly on lip reading. he doesn't let many people know he's deaf, so a lot of people think he's ignoring them. (he DOES learn ASL later, but that's kind of a big part of the story)

-he is incredibly apathetic and lazy. he is very much the kind to joke to cope, but he's ultimately accepted he will die young and has no aspirations because of it (one of the reasons he never bothered to learn ASL). all the cast in this story has an assigned "7 deadly sins" and despite being literally half incubus, he actually represents sloth.

-he can and does sleep anywhere. energy drinks and coffee pump through his blood but he's still forever sleepy.

-actually incredibly nice. he can be a bit of a troll and likes to tease and mess with people, but ultimately would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it. keeps all his problems to himself because he doesn't want to make other people worry.

-the opposite of finze in every way.

-terminally online. furry. reddit user (derogatory)

there's a lot more but that seems like some good basic info get to know him. i know vast majority of you are here for CoB but pls allow me to be self-indulgent with other projects for a couple days after a really frustrating weekend regarding CoB haha. maybe i'll do finze next if anyone is curious about this kind of info on him in the next comic?

[humanitys-strongest-bamf]

A Day Off | Modern!AU Fluff Drabble

✧ word count ➼ ~600 ✧ notes ➼ just overall sweetness 💕, I think I originally meant to write this for Levi Week but the writing gremlin wasn't cooperating

Levi wasn't used to having days off. It just wasn't a thing for him. Sure, he'd have the occasional day in which he didn't have as much to do when compared to some of the busier ones that required him to be moving on his feet 100% of the time.

It was only 6am. In typical Levi fashion, he was wide awake. The concept of time didn't really matter to him. His sleep was on and off. It didn't matter if it was the morning, afternoon, or night. He never got more than 2 hours of sleep at a time.

Normally, he'd be out of the house and in his office by now. If he couldn't sleep, he might as well work. However, the office was closed today for a holiday and he even finished all of his remote work the previous day. There was literally nothing he could do other than to lie in bed.

Plus, moving wasn't really a realistic option.

Levi tilted his head as he looked down at you. Your head was resting on his chest, breathing gently as you peacefully slept. Your hair was slightly ruffled from rolling around in bed throughout the night and you had bunched up the blanket around your feet after getting too warm. His arm was wrapped around your shoulders, with his hand gently resting on your waist.

He'd have to move you if he wanted to get up. He didn't want to move you. Levi knew that you occasionally struggled with sleep as well, so waking you was the last thing he wanted to do.

He knew it was futile, but he tried anyway. He slowly unwrapped his arm from around you and gently began moving towards the side of the bed, hoping to get out from under you without fully waking you.

Almost immediately, your arm that was wrapped around his waist tightened as you squeezed, forming a firm grip around him, trapping him in bed unless he wanted to physically pry you off him.

Being too sleepy to fully form words, a soft whine escaped your lips before you further dug your face into his bare chest.

Although he knew this was going to happen, he still let out an annoyed sigh.

"It's only 6am," you eventually protested, your voice hoarse from just waking up, being able to vaguely tell the time from the small amount of sunlight peeking above the horizon and into the room from the windows. Your bottom lip stuck out into a pout.

"And I'm usually already up by now," he reasoned, trying once more to get up.

"It's your day off," you countered, further tightening your grip on him, determined to keep him in bed.

"Doesn't mean shit," he grumbled, which prompted you to finally open your eyes and frown at him.

Levi knew you were going to be reluctant to let him get up. His attention had been primarily taken up with work for the past week and a half. Even your weekly date night had to get moved because he was drowning in work.

He realistically knew that he wasn't going to be getting out of bed anytime soon. Sure, he could force you off him, but that sounded like a pain in the ass to deal with because he knew that you would just get all bratty about it.

"You're such a little shit," he grumbled as he finally laid back down, wrapping his arm around your back again, pulling you in, fighting against his temptation to smile once he saw you happily snuggling up against him again.

Sometimes days off weren't so bad.

#: @chaotic-on-main @levisbrat25 @leviismybby @moonmalice @averysmolbear @cathybarn @tclbts @emiwhore @bejewelledd @sad-darksoul @ackermendick @aomi04 @apolloshaiku @laraackerman @pulpolicia @raenacreates @nube55 @roseofdarknessblog @saenora @noctemys @sixpennydame @sleepyfairyxo @heichoucleanfreak @svftackerman @catskze @nixie-writes-aot @la-undercover-latina @v4mp-wife @darkstarlight82 @professorweezy join my taglist!

[skyyknights]

biggest thoughts on skyward sword link?

aight. get ready. because I have many thoughts about him.

So, first off, yes, he is a silly sleepy doofus of a sky boy who is extremely soft and adorable and deserves everything. But, while that take is 100% correct and should not be overlooked, he is also a feral rabid gremlin who can and will tear your face off with his bare hands if the need arises (such as if you threaten Zelda).

(I mean. there's your proof right there...)

Now, a lot of people think that Link from Breath of the Wild is the strongest/toughest/etc.

Politely, I disagree.

So then who is the strongest? None other than Sky Link.

Let's start with the basics. He might not have been raised on a farm or in service as a knight for the royal family, but at the same time, he's attended an academy specifically for training knights his entire life. At the start of the game he can lift and throw massive barrels, is stated and shown to be an excellent climber, is a natural at Loftwing flying and at catching Zelda when she throws herself off of Skyloft, and is already excellent with a blade. Later on he can lift and throw small boulders, and push large wooden crates and metal carts.

But like I said, that's just the basics.

Sky Link also fights/defeats the Imprisoned and Ghirahim three times. Both grow stronger with each battle, but he defeats them nonetheless. Ghirahim at first sees him as just a silly little child who can't possibly defeat him; he quickly learns Link is anything but that and in all three of his fights becomes so humiliated that he rages at Link and on two occasions leaves instead of allowing himself to be defeated further. "You think I can't defeat you? You think I can't win? What are you, boy?" he asks in the final fight. He's afraid of Link, because Link is too powerful for him. He's the silly soft sky child, but three times now he has claimed victory over the Demon King's right hand man.

Then there's the Silent Realms, of which Link goes through four. Each one becomes increasingly more difficult and dangerous, and yet he completes all of them. Not only that, but he finds each Sacred Flame required to strengthen Fi and ends up forging the true Master Sword. He also earns and wields the full Triforce, which only a tiny handful of other Links have done. He also survives getting crushed by boulders on numerous occasions and is imprisoned (probably with a concussion) but escapes; battles a massive army of Moblins, Stalfos, and Bokoblins; and with each Silent Realm, his spirit grows, signifying he is not only strong physically, but mentally.

Anything I'm forgetting, besides the fact that Hylia specifically chose him to be her hero and defeat-

Oh yeah.

Demise.

Yup, in case anyone forgot, Sky Link kills Demise, the literal embodiment of evil itself, the original villain from whom Ganondorf comes. Demise is the most powerful enemy in LoZ who not only destroyed Hylia, but nearly all of the Surface as well; according to him, humans cower and quake upon seeing him; none but Link have ever dared to even consider standing up to him. Fighting Link, to Demise, is a casual, lighthearted ordeal where he believes he can take it easy before going off and destroying the world.

But yeah, that doesn't quite happen.

In the end, Link defeats Demise utterly on a battlefield of water and lightning, charging his own blade with it and striking the killing blow. Demise perishes and is absorbed into the Master Sword, directly after threatening that his hate, never perishing, will follow Link and Zelda throughout time.

And there you have it. Sky has just defeated the original incarnation of a cycle of endless hatred.

(while looking like this 90% of the time. he is babey. but stronk and dangerous babey who could kill u with a look).

[kiana-kaslana-423]

I’m pretty sure like all of this got deleted omg I’m going to cry— I wasn’t awake enough to remember if I re-wrote and sent it. Anyways if I didn’t, here’s some new (and some old) ideas I thought up:

Notes: This ended up being MUCH longer than I anticipated, longer than the original. Bro I don’t write this much for characters I know inside and out—

Back: Omg a whole damn book— I should just write you books on AO3 at this point. I didn’t proof read this too well cus I’m tired—

Ho’olheyak really wants a big family because.. Well why not? She’s pretty, you’re cute, why not make more of you? She’s super over protective whenever you’re expecting.. eggs, uh. Pregnant? I can’t tell what’d it be with her. Either way it just makes some primal bit of her click— Her mate, her babies, must protect at any and all costs. She kind of gives off gremlin energy (again I’m going entirely off of her splash art) so I imagine you actually have those kid-harnesses on all your kids (sometimes her too—).

As for the babies head wings(?), absolutely. They have that kind of ugly quality to them at first (wet baby bird) but within a couple of hours they fluff up to become all soft and downy. Their tails are all smooth and a bit soft still (not rough just yet). The kid’s favorite things are when you pet their feathers, which is a given.

(Secret: Ho’olheyak loves when you pet her feathers too). Laying her head on your chest, looking up at you with a sleepy smile. Her favorite way to unwind after her day is to feel your feather-light touch trace over her little wings, pun intended.

Ok now chaos because not everything with this woman can be perfect:

Ok but when autumn comes it’s kind of hell of EVERYONE involved. Everyone with wings is molting, their feathers preparing for the coming winter weather. The kids are itching, Ho’olheyak’s itching, there’s feathers of all colors literally EVERYWHERE, there’s the little dust particles on every surface— You just spent way too much money on gloves so the kids don’t scratch. Everyone is moody, tired, again: itchy. And then comes spring: basically the same thing but ten times worse when they’re shedding the thicker coat. Your water bill for the month was spectacular, you’d used warm water to soothe most of the pinfeathers. Assuming this is a lot of people molting over several WEEKS, combined with drinking, cooking, and bathing… Well. Damn.

And then there’s the tails shedding.. Well, this may be odd but you guys decided to keep all the kids shedded tail skins because you like to see how they grew! They each have a bag with names, AWW THEY USED TO BE SO SMALL 🥺… (God I’m so gay and desperate for a baby— damn hormones—) The first time it happened you panicked so much because the baby got all super lethargic and clingy and just was completely out. Ho’olheyak had to work very hard to reassure you all of this was super normal for her kids. Anyways you got the hang of things after the first kid so the rest were smooth sailing. They just get very sleepy, and sometimes call for you both at night.. (even the older kids, 11+).

Yay, thanks for coming to my ted-talk.

—🪁

I don’t know how OOC this was for her.

I swear to God you have so many problems every time you try to send me an ask- every time you send an ask there's always a little thing before the writing of what happened as you were writing it- you have to be the only one who has this problem hdhahdh /j

You make books every time you send me an ask and honestly- I love them so much! It gives me food of my favorite characters and I'm happy to know that you put time into writing this!!! Like you don't know how many times I reread these since they are so good-

Surprisingly even though you say you have no clue about this character, I think this is pretty accurate!! I legit see her doing this stuff, tho I don't know- I'm not a lore expert but this does send tangalese to my brain every time I read it!!

I swear to God again you're one of the reasons why my baby fever last so long /j

[brandnewhuman]

HELLO! So I'm high rn (don't tell the police) and I'm desperate for some Aether fics so could you maybe do Aether with a Stoner male reader? No pressure obviously!

HIGH KISSES

♡headcanons + small drabble♡

☆STARRING☆

Ghoul aether ☆ aka beefy, baby boy who has never known a single day of peace from people shorter than him

CONTENT

Tw; mentions of weed, mature language, slightly suggestive content IDK MAN.

A/N: AAAAAAH my first aether request from the my fav gremlin nonetheless. I REALLY HOPE I DIDN'T FUCKED UP HIS WHOLE CHARACTERISATION. IM ACTUALLY SHITTING BRICKS HERE CAUSE I don't really know how to exactly approach the ghouls personalities and what they do ecc. BRO IM SORRY IF IT SUCKS ASS, IM GONNA TRY TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME

Song recommendation:

BRO AETHER IS LIKE THE BEST SMOKE BUDDY

He always has the best fucking weed 

Dream blunt rotation he, you and dewdrop

He literally takes you to the best spots so you both can have some quality time together without anyone (dewdrop) annoying both of you

When he finds out you smoke he's literally the happiest ghoul alive

He likes to spend as much time as possible with his s/o so having something in common to do is the best thing ever

He would be such a bad influence cause HE'S NEVER SAYING NO TO WEED

like he's not actively pushing you to do it all the time but you end up doing it anyways cause as soon as he lights even just a cigarette it always ends up with the both of you smoking pot

I feel like he would be really prepared for this type of "dates" 

HE IS LIKE ALWAYS TAKING CARE OF WHOEVER IS SMOKING WITH HIM AND EVEN MORE IF IT'S YOU

He's such a mom

Always carrying snacks or something to drink, and if he's not in his room with but outside then he always buys some snacks before doing anything

When he smokes he gets so touchy I JUST KNOW IT

all that shyness and wholesome adorable behaviour he always has? All fades for the sake of being flirty 

 it's between being very lovely and very horny at the same time

Wees takes out the dewdrop inside of him

LIKE HAVE YOU SEEN THAT CLIP WHERE HE TAKES A BLOW FROM DEWDROP SMOKE? HE DOES THAT BUT LIKE KISSING YOU AND IT'S THE SWEETEST THING EVER

I like the idea of him confessing his feelings the first time while being high 

His favourite smoke spot is a really nice and calm part of the woods where you can see the stars at night

Bro gets really deep with weed. Like he's having the biggest head very full so many thoughts moment ever

That or just having a ball annoying dewdrop 

Which leads him to get bullied by dew

Which, again, leads to dewdrop joining you both to smoke together 

Just imagine you're in the woods with aether, both of you laying on the grass and occasionally taking puffs from your joints. He has just finally managed to get some free days from all the rituals ecc so he's really tired and all he wanted was to be with you for a couple of minutes, just enjoying each other's company. 

He holds your free hand, slightly playing with your fingertips as he listens to all the things you wanted to tell him about. While you keep stargazing and your eyes get glossy both from the smoke and because of the reflection of the sky in your gaze he just stares at you. 

How could he not stare at you? You're quite literally so handsome that sometimes he catches his heart speeding up from just looking at you. Slowly he brings himself up and very carefully cages you under him with both of his hands at each side of your head. 

"What? Somethin's wrong?" Your words are slightly slurry as you find difficulty in forcing your voice out of your relaxed body. You lift a hand to gently cup his cheek, he just keeps staring at you with that sweet smile and gentle gaze that looks now slightly more sleepy because of the weed. 

He takes another drag of his joint while keeping himself up and balanced with his hand still at the same place. After taking a long enough drag he lowers himself again towards you, very slowly and making sure to hold back the smoke until he gets close as he needs to your lips. The smoke slips from his mouth as he kisses you so you kind of take a drag from him, when he backs up he just smiles while gazing down at you. He could spend his whole life watching you and never get tired of it 

YOU CAN'T TELL THIS WOULDN'T BE LIKE THE CUTEST THING EVER.  

[j0eyj0rdis0n]

You doing matchups? I've been wanting one for so long 🥲 creepypasta of course gotta love the skrungles . Lol I'm genderfluid but I come off more feminine than masculine. I'm 5.2 , petite is the best way to describe me . I have a septum piercing planning on getting a sternum tattoo for my birthday this year (my own design I'm excited) I have short bleached dyed pixie cut styled hair (it's gone through some things🥲) , dark brown eyes , pale olive complexion. I've been told that I'm flirty and "a bro" from my friends . Despite being flirty I can't commit for the life of me nor do I catch feelings like at all , but I gladly give out genuine compliments. Like most I'm shy at first but if I like you I'm a feral gremlin. I'm down to earth , what you see is what you get , very laid back and go with the flow in the outside , inside though I believe everyone hates me and I'm going over everything bad thing that could happen. I have insomnia and chronic depression . So I'm a sleepy type . Love games , tattoos , skulls , art ,makeup, nature and sometimes going out with the right people . I'm told I'm great to hug and I have a calming presence. I'm planning on being a tattoo artist while helping animals on the side Hope that's enough or not too much 😅 have a great week love ❤️

Send the tattoo design!! I looooove tattoos and I would be so happy to see the design! I hope you enjoy this and your tattoo journey goes well!

I match you with… Jeff the Killer!

Jeff loves how you’re down to earth and you have the “bro” attitude. He finds it easy to connect with you that way. When you guys hang out he almost finds comfort in the way you act.

He enjoys that he can do pretty much whatever he wants around you and you don’t give him shit for it. Anyone else in the mansion always has some sort of issue with him. But you, no such thing as issues.

Honestly most of the time you’d join in his antics. He’s also quite the fan of how you’re down for any sort of mischief at any time seeing has he has very minimal friends. (let’s be honest, it’s really only Ben)

He doesn't mind that you don't catch feelings, honestly it's probably better that way. He's a literal psychopath killer anyways so it's definitely for the best.

DON'T GIVE THE MAN COMPLIMENTS‼️

He already has an ego through the fucking roof because of Nina and her compliments... You make it 100000x worse. Every time you give him even a single word of praise, he'll go on and on about it for WEEKS. He won't let that shit go. You told him that he looked good? He'll remember that when he hasn't showered in 12 days. 💀

When you two finally get close (which will take a bit since dude isn't the most trusting) and he finally hears about your insecurities and fears, he'll more than likely listen while he's doing absent minded tasks like cleaning his knife or actually making a fucking meal for once

He probably wouldn't be able to offer much help considering he's insecure himself (exactly why he inflates his ego so much). But he'd stand by you and try his best to reassure you that you're probably one of the most liked creeps around. At least you're much more well liked than he is. He'll always bring that part up.

Aaaand he’s not a sleeper at all, and honestly he'd probably get bored waiting around for you to actually fall asleep. But in the long run, his sleep schedule will improve because of you. It would take a bit to get to him actually telling you he enjoys it, but even through all the lies you can tell he's happy

He's definitely the kind to ask you to draw on him. He'd probably make you design a sleeve for him as well. He'll be picky as fuck though, so patience is needed.

And honestly, he loves your calming presence and how you can be his rock if he actually decides to open up. But once again he absolutely loves your willingness to cause chaos as well.

I hope this fits and it was enjoyable to read! Thank you for the ask!! <3

[beautifulblooms]

I'm sorry you're being harassed for setting up boundaries. As a trans man myself, it's saddening to see all the people being so awful.

Have a sleepy gremlin to cheer you up 😊

AAWWWWWW ROTISSERIE CAT, that’s literally my first instinct when I see sphinx cats

[twistyprefect]

Mkay. Actual request and not just info dumping my thoughts on you this time, ✨beloved gremlin✨

Can I request the Morning People™️ (Vil, Jack, Riddle, Sebek, Jamil think that’s it) with a S/O who very much is not, but sucker punches them with the softest compliments when they try to wake them up?

Hope your kicking todays booty so you can coast through the weekend✨💖✨

{yess i love this so much!! ty for requesting again 💞💕 i'm not a morning person but i also get up super early so this would be me lmao}

Riddle Rosehearts

Riddle likes to wake up about an hour earlier than the rest of his dorm

he's determined to get his partner to start joining him, gently shaking them awake when he first gets up

they whine and pout, rolling away from him as he chuckles softly and continues to try and get them to get up

"Riddle...I love you and I love that you can get up now but pleeease let me sleeeeep..." they whine

he smiles and kisses their forehead, knowing they'll still get up sooner rather than later to join him for coffee and tea

Jack Howl

Jack gets up early to go on a run and always gets his partner to wake up with him

usually they're mumble and then join him anyway, just to make sure they actually exercise

that doesn't mean they actually like getting up in the morning; they always resist as long as possible

"Jackie baby, I adore you and your ridiculously handsome face, but I can and will punch you if you try and get me to get up again."

he flushed and grumbles, letting his partner stay in bed until about five minutes before they start their run

Jamil Viper

Jamil gets up nice and early to make sure everything in Scarabia runs smoothly for the day

he likes company when working, but he won't force his partner to be up with him

if they offer, he'll make sure to wake them up with some coffee and a pastry of their choice

"Jam you're the best...have I told you how amazing you are? You do way too much for me..."

he flushes and mumbles his thanks before scurrying off to start his preparations (and to allow his face to return to its normal shade)

Vil Schoenheit

Vil gets up nice and early to have time to eat breakfast before doing his ~intensive morning routine~

he likes to double cleanse his face every morning/night, put on make up, do his hair, etc. so it takes a while

he likes to also do his partner's make up, unless they absolutely hate it and refuse to let him

"Baby, you're beautiful when you don't put anything on so this just seems like a waste of time...but if you like it, please continue~"

he's caught off guard every time they say such a sweet and genuine compliment, his face flushing as he returns to his mirror

Sebek Zigvolt

Sebek likes to wake up before anyone else so he can do morning exercise and get other people's breakfast ready

he always always always wakes up his partner regardless of if they actually want him too or not

he insists that a good sleep schedule also involves waking up at a specific time

"Sebby, I would literally die for you but please let me sleep in just a bit more? I promise I'll exercise with you though..."

he gets incredibly flustered by receiving such a kind and genuine compliment from his sleepy S/O

[loreculus]

« study sessions with them »

featuring: albedo, bennet (separately) x gn!reader

notes: modern + university  au

warnings: none 

albedo: albedo is an exemplary honors student that cannot afford to get a grade less than an a; therefore, he takes his study sessions with you very seriously, although you both still have a nice time together.

you're studying at the university library, seated at a small two-seater table tucked away in a remote part of the library, a window and lamp being your only means of light as you both choose to keep the main ceiling's lights off. 

he's seated on one side with you on the other, your school issued laptops are opened and your papers litter the table's oak surface. 

you two often stop at a little cafe before heading to the library, needing a little extra something to help you get through the afternoon session after a full day of classes. you both are always so sleep deprived (uni student things); however, despite his usual order being a coffee, your go-to order is a tea of some sort -- you say caffeine makes you feel weird.

"you're getting ginger tea? you don't want a drink with caffeine? i just want you to be sure, afterall, we do have two hours of study time ahead of us, love." 

albedo is a biochemistry major and today he's reviewing content for his analytical and physical methods lab. his laptop is open to a presentation his professor made and his hands are furiously scribbling notes accordingly.

you're a math major. as such, your papers are blanketed in complicated equations and uncommon formulas. you have a test on abstract vector spaces tomorrow, and you're unfortunately struggling to grasp some of the concepts. you've never encountered axioms before taking this class and viewing math in this way hurts your head.

"babe, you're rubbing your temple again." 

because it's not a common feeling for you to have, albedo can sense your frustration. he puts down his pencil and shifts his attention from his work to you. 

"we've been at this for a while, how about we take a five minute break?" 

at his suggestion, you close your laptop and give your full attention to the man in front of you. quiet mummers fill the room -- the conversation is light , but it is exactly what you needed to relieve your brain of it's information overload. 

after a short while, you two go back to work, the sound of pencil against paper and fingers dancing on keyboards keeping the small space from being completely silent. 

eventually, you both decide to bring the study session to an end -- the weight of sleepiness being very heavy on both your eyelids. you both pack up your things and head out through one of the building's side doors. always the gentleman, albedo walks you to your dorm room before heading back to his own. 

once you put your things down and are safely inside, he gives you a quick goodnight kiss on the cheek before leaving your doorway saying, "don't forget to lock the door, my love." 

bennet: bennet is an energetic economics major. considering his luck in the past had never been too fortunate, he wanted to study risk assessment and similar concepts in an attempt to better his luck in the future. him and you met chaotically one afternoon at a school sponsored event, and the rest is history. 

you study in either your dorm room or his, preferring your personal spaces to public ones as they allow you to act as ridiculous as you both pleased. your laughter is literally so loud you would get kicked out of any library or cafe you went to.

you guys believe in the “food is fuel” philosophy and always have bags of snacks at your disposal, especially popcorn—specifically those cheap, jumbo bags of butter popcorn from walmart.

“stop hogging the bag! i bought them, you gremlin.” 

you guys are dressed in sweats to maximize comfort as you get to work. bennet is working on a presentation about keynesian economics and you are trying to help him make it look “aesthetic.” 

“babe, i don’t care what the information is, if it doesn't look good, it isn’t good.”

you’re an graphic design major, so your focus on appearances doesn’t surprise bennet at this point. 

although you are both generally good students, neither of you have particularly heavy coursework, so you both can afford to get sidetracked from time to time. 

“so, like, i know we’re supposed to be studying for midterms, but do you wanna go raid the seven-eleven?”

you always give him and his ideas an incredulous look, but you always end up joining him—and you always end up having fun. 

today you didn’t just raid the gas station—you two traversed through the park, danced to street music, and ended up getting dinner from a hole-in-the-wall restaurant.

but because you end up playing before working, you guys have to stay up studying late. when you both finally get back to the dorms and resume your study session, it’s around nine at night.

bennet genuinely feels bad for being an irresponsible influence, but you always tell him you don't mind.

“y/n, i'm sorry for making you procrastinate again.”

“i’ve told you already, i have fun with you! don't apologize for helping me enjoy myself.” 

[shu-sakamaki]

(TW : Bullying)

Random and dark headcanons about Shuu Sakamaki

If you are not comfortable with those themes please just scroll, I don't want to make anyone uneasy, it's for fiction and fantasies only, Shuu is in NO WAY meant to be portrayed in real life, he is not a good person and none of his actions are acceptable.

In which you're a bride living in the Sakamaki manor :

- His voice is really low, much lower and raspier than his voice in the anime, it just makes more sense to me because he's always sleepy and horny, sadly he's the one who speaks the less (like, sir, just keep your mouth open and never shut up 👄🔪)

- He's just so disgusted everytime Reiji come near him that he's always scrunching his nose for a split second and then furrows his brows as if he smelled something bad but it's just Reiji (🤣🤣) and four eyes get even more mad.

- If your staring at him for too long he will stare back at you and look at you up and down. Now, there's two type of look, there is the "gtfo of my face, you're burning my eyes" (which is kinda hot in its own way 👉👈) and the "I'm horny as hell, keep staring at me I will mount you, female." And I don't know how, but he notice everything, you can try and  be unnoticeable by looking at him and then looking away but when your looking back at him again, he's staring right at your soul like 👁-👁 (sir pls stop you're scaring me)

- He have bedroom eyes like, 90 % of the times, Shuu always seems to be in his own reality with his closed eyes and earphones, he somehow look zooted (on sleep and sex uhu, anyways letmeshutup)

- He's the king of side-eye, if you bother his slumber he will give you the saltiest, hottest, coldest side-eye, it'll make you tear up. My theory is that he can make people crumble with just a look. (and that's on 💫trauma💫)

- Now that we're on the subject of tears, Shuu loves them (you monster) and try a lot of things mainly out of boredom and just to randomly see you cry because why not. And him being a teaser + dacryphilia is the worst thing you can ask for. Because when the oldest lay his interest on someone, I think that the rest of the brothers kinda back off to  not make him angry (they're not suicidal gud gud) so you're just getting bullied by him and everyone is just watching.

- For example when you walk past him, he'll pinch your thighs and it always hurts so bad and leaves red/purple spots or just grab your wrist and hold it really hard till you cry and beg him to not break it. And sometimes he'll just plainly ignore you which can be worst because it's always leaving you with the impression that something's gonna fall upon you when you least expect it. (Not mister playing as the Fates) And if you try to avoid him, he's going to catch up on it pretty fast and suddenly you're seeing him everywhere and he's not going to limit his torture to the manor, even in school he will find ways to terrorize you. He will say the lewdest, dirtiest things to you like its nothing or will just sneak up on you and touch your butt in the hall. (You need to keep an eye on him like the bogeyman). It's just a game for him, he's bored and you're the perfect prey to toy with.

- Yeah also he doesn't care about consent... just like the rest of his demonic gremlins of brothers, resisting him just makes it more fun for him. But if you are actually getting aggressive like pulling his hair, slapping him or scratching his skin he'll put out his knife (he gon look at you like dis 🔵👄🔵🔪) and will threatens to kill you really slowly. A thing about his knife, is that admin once said that he's carrying it everywhere, so he can just pull it out of idk where and rub it on your skin, threatening silently to slit your throat at any moment. There is always that one kid who like to draw on people's arms with a marker in school, Shuu does the same with his knife, you have little cuts here and there because of him.

- He's manipulative and merciless, you can pour your heart out to him and tell him how something just broke you and he's gonna look at you like "and what does it got to do with me?" or just fall asleep on you. He picks a lot on your insecurities just because he knows where it hurts (he doesn't really think it, he don't care lol) and will talk to you with such a mocking/condescending tone, as if your stupid and its not like you can complain about it.

- Shuu appears at the most random times and just ask you to do things that HE'S supposed to do. And you can either do your thing and he won't care or be bothered that you disobeyed and will punish you. Admin mentioned it often, how one of the scariest thing with Shuu is the unlimited feeling of uncertainty, you really never know. One day he's cool with you and the other he's not.

- Remember when Shuu talked about seduction ? He said that its the difference between him and Laito. Laito thrives off people's fear and disgust of him and he will force himself upon them, and with Laito, you're mainly scared of him. But with Shuu, there is something quite exciting about him being around you and just giving you his attention. (Idk how to explain it, it's the Shuu Effect 🦋) Sometimes you can even feel like you have a choice, when you really don't. He's guilt-tripping you a lot of the time and you don't realize it sometimes and think that it's your decision, but honey...

- When he starts to get use to you, use to you taking care of him and use to your presence that's when the trickiest part comes up. He can either, get bored of you so he'll probably leave you alone giving green signals to his brothers to do whatever they want (or he kills you) or he's falling in love.

- You know that he's falling in love with you when he's more around you to the point when he's the only face that you're seeing and his brothers are just avoiding you like the plague, everyone does, it's like, even humans have a gut feeling that being around you won't bring them good because of the scary demon behind you. (Well if you listen to him it's more of a "You're the one obsessed with me and not the opposite" but yk), he's going to insult you every ten seconds because you looked at an alive being "I'm not looking at you for ten seconds and you're already whoring yourself out ? Pathetic." (But really, it's the poSseSsiViTy), I can also see him as being more touchy in a way but it varies, it don't necessarily mean that Shuu would go tender on you.

- He built a wall around him (like attack on titan type of wall duh, Wall Maria I see you 🙄) to block and repulse any being who wants to be close to him, so when he realizes that he's falling in love with you (and hard because Shuu don't have the concept of limit) he will probably get scared and would try to back off, scare you, being even more brutal because he need to know, need to be sure, how willing you are to be with him. He can't handle a deception and also I feel like he is pretty aware of his mental state and he is deeply scared of losing you and losing himself completely in the same boat.

- When he starts to really care for you, I think that he will start to have nightmares again, especially about Edgar and other stuff involving you because how scared he is. Which bring me to an article that admin about Shuu mastering aftercare, it's 100% logic that he's with you and whispering sweet nothing till he sure that you are safe and asleep with him.

- When his shell starts to crack, it's when he's going to be as his probably most vulnerable state when you can just see how much the paranoia, the possessivity and all the trauma cloud his mind. He will still try to test you for some time and just kinda...still observing like a predator (but with more of a lovesick turn) till he's certain that you will not betray him. And don't take it personally, that's just how he is, everything has been taken away from him, all the happiness, all the color were sucked out of his life, and when there is a real opportunity of getting this happiness back he doesn't play. Literally, Shuu can not handle losing someone important again or he will go full-on Kanato insane. That's why he drown himself in sex and sleep, to not think, that's why he always have sound in his earbuds, to not hear the silence. Its not Shuu's fault that Edgar is dead, it's not his fault if the German shepherd got killed, it's not his fault if his mother didn't took care of his brother, but he'll still take the blame. (Well maybe not for Reiji but you get it.)

Thanks to everyone who manages to read it through and have a good day and remember that you're loved and worthy ❤😌

((I honestly LOVE how you emphasize the canon aspect that Shu has NO LIMITS. Or he LOVES you to the point of obsession, or no deal. That IS Shu... And I'm scared about the person I'm becoming but the ones about how scary he actually is while statically staring at you?... Was hot... O///O ???))

[genshinboys]

🌊 — yep okay yes, zhongli with a size kink really does do stuff to me. and i'm glad you liked it! the whole 'i will steal your clothes your shirt no this is my shirt now' cliché is one of my guilty pleasures for both fluff and smut. AND YES zhongli would be very '????? oh yes i like this very much but i am unsure on how to react hmmm maybe it won't hurt if i touch them a little.

BUT on the pretext of me secretly being an asshole gremlin and me also getting a shit ton of brainrot on your answer ( which was just ugh, perfection- );

i tend to be a bit of a grouch when i'm sleepy so the poor man is going to get a faceful of my hand pushing him away and whining about how annoying he is. oh sorry, you horny old man? well i'm sleepy so no <3. sleep is very sacred to me since college is just a bitch and our teachers pile assignment upon assignment with a three day deadline and i will not bow to this man even if he's the literal god of geo no way.

i'm a very early riser, sure and i survive off of coffee more often than not but when i'm asleep please don't wake me up because my sleep etiquette is atrocious and i will smack with a pillow. but the thought of zhongli just staring at you 'like ????? hello???? i am very turned on right now aren't you going to help me????' just makes me bust a gut like

sir...did you just get cockblocked by your own partner???

( i'm sorry i'm also a sucker for funny little instances like this because i love my fluff just as much )

so zhongli just consistently getting riled up by his partner because they're WEARING HIS SHIRT and sleeping RIGHT there and they look so cute and vulnerable and he wants to de-stress but they're unconsciously acting like such a brat? now that is just cruel love surely you don't expect him to just lie down and forget about it? he does believe in equivalent exchange ; those are the who shtich with contracts after all.

so his retaliation?

he does start touching you in his sleep, slowly guiding you to lucidity and by the time your're fully awake and hopelessly needy at the verge of your high, he pulls away before you can cum, turns the lights off and is like "good night love :D" like he didn't just finger fuck you.

the tables have turned ( also me. quietly reminiscing the table from your teacher zhongli headcanons rip ) you're left in a position similar to his, wide awake, very horny and wanting and frustrated with his supposed indifference. so you berate him, pester him, practically beg for some form of relief and he's on you again.

he would be happy to, of course. he is a good partner after all...

but it DOES come with a price~

( also me, who looks over whatever i wrote : yes, i need the dendro and hydro archon because no amount of grass and holy water can save me- )

-🌊

U just gave me masturbation material for my valentines day I am so grateful

No, wait a minute.

You didn't see anything.

Hey, i have a deal. Hear me out!

How about I request you to write that story for me?

Hmm. How about that?????

You've already done better than I could ever even try 😱😱😱

[incorrectshantaequotes]

The Seven Sirens - What Did I Get Right?

~insert trumpet fanfare here~

So! The Spectacular Superstar update has arrived. Which means we now have proper dialogue for the five sirens Shantae fights before Empress, and therefore proper characterization for me to go off of whereas before I was just kinda going off scraps.

This also means I can assess my previous characterization of the Sirens and see what I got right and what I need to adjust. Normally, I'd just play the actual game to see what's changed, but for a variety of work and school reasons I can't play right now, so I decided to skim through a playthrough of the new update to the dialogue in question to see how well I did.

Spoilers for the update, obviously! Put under a read more for those of you who want to experience this yourselves.

Water Lily Siren: I was prepared for my characterization to be wrong, since the whole motherly thing was just the result of one stray thought about what characterization I could possibly pull from besides "kinda sleepy" and it just spiraled from there. But I did NOT expect exactly how wrong I was, because wow I was wrong! She just. Water Lily really just eats people huh. And only her, from the sounds of it, because when Shantae brings this up to Coral she's like "bro what the fuck???" Some of my quotes still work with this characterization so it's not too bad but still. Was not expecting that. Goddamn

Coral Siren: In contrast, I was prepared for my characterization of Coral Siren to be completely on the money, if nothing else. And I was right! She is, in fact, a complete and utter gremlin! There are a few minor details such as vocal tics that I didn't get, but I think that's fair. Also she has by far my favorite dialogue sprite I have a mighty need

Tubeworm Siren: Actually closer than I expected! Her relationship to her tubeworm legs™ is a bit more pronounced than I thought it'd be, but other than that it's like. Yeah I can blend my previous characterization with the canon one fairly smoothly. There's even the loyalty to Empress, somewhat, seeing as she briefly makes a mention to her as "her highness" and literally none of the other Sirens even bring Empress up.

Anglerfish Siren: I was expecting to be a little off regarding Angler as well - if nothing else, because the Lobster Siren friendship was almost certainly not a thing - but uh. Honestly was not expecting her to have a sense of theatrics with that last line. That being said I'm fine with this! It doesn't really take too much to adjust honestly everything else is pretty close

Octo Siren: Going to be real this is how I thought Water Lily Siren was going to be characterized in the update. "aw you woke me up from my nap! :( anyway die." Definitely will take a bit more adjusting (she isn't as formal as my version for one) but I think I can merge this with my characterization. Also I just want to mention. The sheer whiplash of Octo Siren's first line being "Hey baby!" nearly killed me xlkngdlklnglkgdsnsgdlk

[blake-belladonna-defence-force]

It's the ✨annoying little shit✨ again

The Gremlin anon😺

I'm here with my ✨update✨

I need to tell right of the bat that

THIS AFTERNOON WAS INSANE

Literally...

So, during lunch (after my roommate almost killed Miss oh honey) we started talking about the fact that Miss oh honey is always having trouble in the building where she lives cause of her neighbors

Me and and my roommate both agree that she can stay for as much time as she wants and she ended up deciding to stay for while so she can move to another house

She insisted in helping with house bills while she stays

we tried to disuade her telling her she doesn't need to but she's adamant.

So yeah, Miss oh honey ended up staying XD

But we just remembered that there is only two rooms in this house

Mine and my roommates, and since my room is quite small (those two annoying bitches are saying that it's "my sise") and my roommates room is big enough for two people, sooo...

We all know were thid is going...

Miss oh honey insisted that we shared a room since we have been living together for a long time now and also because we don't have a problem in sleeping together we should be the ones sharing

And I-

I wanted her to win the argument-

NO! I NEED HER TO WIN THE ARGUMENT!!!

I WANT CUDDLES!!!

So I teamed up with her and said that my room is almost empty (I have only my few clothes and my childhood stuffed animal in there) and guess what?

WE WON!!!

AND NOW I PANIC BECAUSE I DIDN'T THOUGHT THIS THROUGH!!!

I'm gonna be sleeping every night with a greek goddess... send help ;-;/

I'M GONNA BE SLEEPING WITH THEM FOR GOD KNOWS HOW LONG!!!

HELP!!!! PANIC!!!!

After my panic and getting my stuff in the room, my roommate asks "You like stuffed animals?"

I FUCKING LOVE STUFFED ANIMALS SINCE I WAS A CHILD!!! I COLECTED AN ARMY OF THEM!!!! But... I lost them because to my former partner...

So I anwsered just that " I love stuffed animals and I literally had an army of them! I colected stuffed animals since I was a lityle kid! I had stuffed animals from amusement parks, other countries my parents took me to, gifts from old friends... But... My former partner didn't like that, and said it was childish and a loss space... So she forced me to get rid of them... And when I did, it was like losing memories from all those places, people, moments... When I lost them... Ifelt like I lost parts of my life, parts of me and who I am... And the only one I could keep was the oldest of them all and my only friend from many years of my chilhood... I wanted to buy more stuffed animals and get new memories but I still can't make myself buy one without feeling extremly guilty for being childish... But anyway, sorry you had to hear all this, it most stupid hearing me talkin about stuffed animals"

"What's your favorite animal?"

"uuuhh... Wolves, why?"

"Cause I'm gonna prove to you that it's not childish to like stuffed animals, and to fair, the way you talk about them is almost poetic"

I just- WHY DO YOU KEED GETTING ME GAYER!!!??? YOU LOVING CARING AMAZING DORK!!!!!

I couldn't anwser them- I WAS GAY SILENT!!! MY GAY HEART!!!

After I could do anything they just hugged me tight and told me "I want you to be happy, and I will buy you all the stuffed animals you want if that's what it takes"

Then they proceed to kiss my fohead and go with Miss oh honey to her apartment to take her stuff out and talk with Miss oh honeys landlord to take care of house buisness

BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GAY GOD!!! WHY DO THEY DO THIS TO MY POOR GAY HEART!!!???

WHY!!??!! PANIC!!! MY HEART IS GONNA MELT!!!!

PLS SEND HELP!!!

So... After a while I hear the door ring and I instantly get out of the sofa to help Miss oh honey and my roommate with Miss oh honeys stuff, but thing is, it wasn't them at the door step

IT WAS MY FUCKING EX!!! HOW DOES THAT BICTH KNOW MY ADRESS!!! I MOVED CITYS JUST FOR HER NOT TO FIND ME!!!!

But there she is, in my door step, looking at me with those freaky eyes...

I froze... I was near having a real panic attack...

She said something to me but I cant remember anything, I was in shock so I don't remember anything until I see My oh honey JUMPING ON HER AND HITING HER WITH A LAMP!!!

I only noticed when Miss oh honey jumped on my ex that she (my ex) had been grabing my hand so strogly that I got bruised

Shortly after, my ex grabed Miss oh honey and was chocking her but thankfully my roommate punched the crap out of my ex

My ex fainted there and my roommate called the police while I was checking Miss oh honey

Miss oh honey was okay and I only got a tiny bruise but I just-

I feel so bad about them, especially Miss oh honey... If it wasn't for my roommate she would probably be dead, along with me

The police got there and took my ex away and OH MY GOD

FUCKING HELL!!! JESUS LORD!!!

SHE FUCKING TRACKED ME DOWN TO KILL ME!!!!!

AND ALMOST KILLED MISS OH HONEY IN THE MIDDLE OF IT!!!!

After all this my roommate gave me a stuffed wolf that I didn't let go for the rest of the day!!!

IT'S SO CUTE!!! I LOVE IT!!!

But honestly I was (am still am) took shocked to gay over this like I usually do

We all stayed together and didn't even bother unpacking Miss oh honeys stuff out of tiredness

So... Yeah, my internet is being shitty today, thats why I didn't update earlier and had to erite this all over again at 00:00 (now its 1:30 am)

Hope ya'll okay and safe

Have a great day/afternoon/evening/night

(also I saw the ask about your fic and... Defence... Have you been spying on me?👀 Cause what the anon said in the ask was literally my afternoon, before all the crazy stuff)

- sleepy Gremlin anon

Jesus Christ, Gremlin anon. I’m sorry that happened to you. Sounds pretty fucking scary.

(*snort* look... I’m a weak bitch for a stuffed animal so xD)

[themountainsays]

94, 86 and 4 from the OTP ask, for EA?

:D thank you! Here:

4. Who is the meme lover?

I know the obvious answer should be Anna, but honestly? I headcanon modern AU Elsa to be a big old lady stuck in the 19th century. Wears long old lady dresses, bakes old lady cookies, knits every day, unironically owns a rocking chair, doesn't know how modern slang works and is allergic to technology. She doesn't even know how to turn on the TV. She'd rather ride a horse than drive a car because she doesn't know how (they probably live in a rural area idk).

Anna, bless her soul, is a much more normal human being (other than the fact she has a big sister complex). She knows how memes work. Sometimes she'll speak in meme references and The Good Place quotes and Elsa is like ¿¿?? Every time.

So she tries to go online in order to better understand her sister-wife and, of course, stumbles across minion memes (don't bully her she's doing her best 😔).

Anyway. Poor Anna now has to deal with Elsa showing her cringeworthy minion meme after cringeworthy minion meme because she thinks they're the funniest shit ever (inspired in real life events). Maybe she learns in time idk but until then she's an absolute boomer-brained gremlin (Anna has an infinite patience and Elsa is very lucky she does. She's also lucky she earned Anna's love by being a hot blonde bombshell the best big sister in existance).

86. Who googles everything?

Lol Anna 100%. She at least knows what Google is (Elsa is like "in my times we looked for information by riding for three days through the tundra to the nearest town and rumaged through the only library only to find absolutely nothing" and she was born in, like, 1996). Anna Google absolutely everything, poor girl hadn't picked a book in her life (she HAS read books but they're mostly pirated PDFs she keeps in a Google Drive folder. She's tried to convince Elsa to read them to her but last time she tried to touch a phone it kinda blew up in her hand like in that episode of La Rosa de Guadalupe and ever since then they've been making sure to always have real books for Elsa to read (hopefully out loud, to Anna, when they're snuggling at night by a cozy fire).

Anna's search history looks like this btw:

"How to know i'm in love wikihow"

"Freudian psychology"

"Oedipus complex diagnosis"

"Legality of incest in Norway"

"Can Google see my search history?"

"How to install a VPN"

"Morality of incest wikipedia"

"How to tell if my sibling is in love with me quora"

Etc etc.

Plus some Problematiqué E rated fanfics about siblings loving each other

94. Who accidental sets something on fire?

Oof this is a tough one. I think both of them are chaotic enough to set something on fire, but if i had to choose one I'd say Anna, assuming Elsa still has power, because then at least she can get rid of the problem easily. Anna would set the kitchen on fire, her clothes on fire (when snuggling too close to the fireplace), she'd set the rug on fire, she'd set the fucking fire on fire. The thing is that Anna is a cold bby who needs nice fireplaces and cuddles from her sister-wife to stay warm (inspired in real life events). She may get sleepy if she's too comfortable. And then she accidentally kicks the rug into the fire.

Elsa does set things on fire if she's being a reckless little shit but it happens less often than Anna tripping over her own feet or falling asleep in her blanket cocoon in front of the fire.

You could also say she accidentally IGNITED THE FLAMES OF LOVE IN ELSA'S COLD DEAD HEART by being an absolute sweetie, perfect angel, #1 Best Sister, literal saint.

Artistic representation of Anna igniting the flames of love in Elsa's cold dead heart, circa 2014.

[archiveofidentityconstellations]

cass won't share her cheese nibs and bruce doesn't love me and i think?? that i deserve better??? than this???? i'm moving to alaska where NO ONE CAN TELL ME WHAT TO DO

the sequel to that one trix yogurt fic

I feel like I should tell you that I am MASSIVELY fucked up right now 

 like i am such a garbage heap that oscar the grouch took a look at me and said 

 “fuckk off!! i have standards!” 

anyways

it’s Brimothy, bitch

what is UP mothertrucksrs it is Me i am back here to write a report on the UNBELIEVABLE SHIT I JUST HANDLED.

okay so u know how Gotham city is on crack cocaine all the time. with like some LSD and heroin and never ever any weed except for like who is that pig guy?? nevrm he doesn’t have weeeed but like he is definitely a Pig. what the fuck is his name. what the fuck.

 okay so anyways 

 is it Goyle

 Doyle

 Pigoyle 

 tin foil? lmao

OKAY FUCK anyways the City, who Also May Be My Lover, is in a constant life crisis (which i relate? a Lot) and do you want to know this s h i t

Crocodile

Killer Croc

who Steve Irwin would be v disappointed in

Is climbing

into people’s FUCKING TOILETS

???????????????

THIS ISN’T FLORIDA

THIS IS NEW JERSEY

WE WEAR SHOES IN THE WINTER

WHAT SORT OF FLIP-FLOP WEARING CUCKER DOES HE THINK HE IS

okay so obviously KC is a big guy. a Dude. a whack-o whaler of a Male. a Big Boh. the largest banananana in the pack. he is Big. so he cAn’t fit into most people’s toilets. he can, however, fit into Big People’s toilets (big as in wealthy, not As in Tom Hanks)

so KC (crispy,,,nuggest…i wonder if fried alligator is good—not that im thinking of eating him, though someone really should threaten him with cannibalism, like if you’re going to be a bitch about it then you deserve the same done to you, it’s just manners) is in cahoots and canoodles with Someone Who Shall Not Be Named (not bc i don’t know, I do, that’s how detectives work. it’s my JOB to know, and i was a prodigy) but bc there is a whole other report detailing this person and their movements and its case file #4461 if u don’t believe me, but i ain’t no snitch, but i will say that tonight’s events connect to file #4461 so Dad if you’re reading this you should already have it out bc it’s your JOB

speaking of jobs ding ding here is mine coming round the mountain as she comes bc the apple bottom jeans the boots with the fur will be coming round the mountain when she comes shE’ll be coming round the mountain she’ll be coming round the mountain she’ll b e coming round and getting low low low low low l ow low

It was a crisp October night. The sun was blinking its sleepy lids, setting the ballroom with an incandescent glow. Bruce Wayne strode across the floor, his daughter Cassandra accompanying him. They wore matching expressions that the privileged always wear: guarded, yet hungry. Hungry for what? Probably for the crab cakes just out of reach. Neither of them had an allergy, and Cassandra in particular had a propensity to shove anything edible in her mouth, so it really was a tragedy that those crab cakes were all the way across the room. There should really be a table right in the middle of the dance floor just for snacks. That way caterers wouldn’t have to do so much leg work, which is actually a good thing, because that ballroom floor is slippery af. This narrator should know, he has Died A Few Times getting there. Suddenly, the night’s festivities were interrupted by a social faux pas: a scream.

You don’t just scream at regular parties, it’s uncouth and hysterical. But you can scream if the social boundaries have already been crossed, and boy, were they crossed.

You see, Dear Reader, there was a man in the toilet.

I use the term “man” loosely, as his glaring yellow eyes do wonders when you might just crap your pantaloons. You start imagining things, like dinosaurs whcih i am personally a big fan of bc Jurassic Park has a kid named Tim in it and I am also Tim.

 hI y is our toilet so big that Killer Croc could wiggle his way up? also how long can he hold his breath. 

 it seems to be impressively long

 hey Bdad how long can he hold his breath? please let me know if you can, and if you won’t i will eat all your wafers becauzs i wa

Mrs. Trenton screamed and fled the impertinent bathroom guest, who wasted no time in ripping the commode to pieces. There was a roar and all the guests paused, unsure if it was merely pipe problems or if they were under attack.

Reader: They were, in fact, under attack. 

The guests, deciding that Mrs. Trenton was a social entrepreneur, followed her lead and began to scream. Killer Croc had made it to ballroom, standing at an impressive height just outside the doors.

He was Not wearing a shirt.

okay have u ever noticed that Killer Crog hasn’t got any nipples????? where are they? he’s got pecs but no nipples?? 

where did they go where are his nip nops i kno people don’t like to think about this but i hAve wondered since i was like 13 like where did they go. has anyone ever asked him. 

did they fall off

“Take the crab cakes!” shouted Matthew Fielder, a lil bitch.

“No, take me!” said Cassandra Wayne, who would literally rather die than give up those crab cakes.

Killer Croc paid them no heed. He desired one thing and one thing only, the sweet satisfaction for his carnal craving: Humain Flesh.

(alliteration hell yeah hell yeah take that Mrs. Johnson i do know shit and im creative as well u jusy don’t know how my brian works it’s like a golden goose egg trap ye ye ye)

 i just Realized 

 i am…a high school drop out

 i don’t know why im doing this

Dear Reader, as an Aside: Smoking can lead to many health issues, especially if one begins smoking at a young age. Harmful side effects include increased risk of stroke and brain damage; muscular degeneration, eye cataracts; cancer of lips, nose, tongue, and mouth, and nipple loss.

 Jason you may want to have a talk with you and your mipples

The terror in the air was stifling. Cannibalism conduct was not something conveyed in etiquette classes. Rich people never expect to be eaten.

Reader, everyone hardly breathed. Something deeply primal had occurred. 

From the doorway the golden eyes struck. Deadly. Lethal. Hungry. 

This was more than vengeance. It was a sadistic occasion of play.

  okay good thing Dames wasn’t there because he fucking HATES KC he gets all huffy and shrieky about him like “he’s a HYGIENE PROBLEM” and it’s like,,,,,.ur right but i don’t want to agree with you because where do we stand if i do that?? as brothers???

 i think the fuck not 

anyways i just realized i’ve been calling Waylon Jones KC the entire damn time (NEWSFLASH ASSHOLE) but to be fucking h, he wants to to be called that. i called him Allen once and he was so PISSED so i can only think of actually calling him by his name. he wouldn’t even be chill with me naming the sewer alligators even tho they were awesome names. i called one Dundee. that’s fucking genius. that’s just. i’m fucking amazing. stupenous. and unappreciated.

 maybe his nipples fell off because he swims in shit every night?????

 question: why do i swim in shit almost as often 

 what the dfck

 what are my life choices

 i feel like there should have been some fine print involved here 

 “Robin duties include scraping shit off your asschreks 3 times a week”

 mahbe,,,,maybe not what i want 

 personal choice

though i haven’t really seen any alligators in the sewers for years now, which is

oh my god OH MY GOD HE ATE THEM  HE ATE THEM OH MY GOD  OH MY GOD !!!!!!!!!!

HE FUCKING  HE FUCKING. HE. HE ATE HIMSELF  HE FUCNING ATE HIMAELF AND HIS FAMILY HIS COUSINS HIS CPOUSINS  HIS FAMILY OH MY GOD  THIS IS LIKE MY 8TH GRADE GRADUATION ALL OVER AGAIN

im so disturbed……..i like, need to eat something. Fucking hell. this Not what i had in mind when i decided to be alive.

i feel like as if i woke up one day and i was the only one in the entire world who remembered Caillou. also could pull off my face and eat it like taffy. imw so. i.

mom i know i refused to go to Shabbat when i was ten so i don’t get to say this but:

this is Not kosher 

oh heyy i want some pIckes

i was also thinking of takin a spin class?? like fuck it i like to bike. fuck it. and maybe iwdont want bruce and nigtwink fucking watxhing me with their beady eyes. like get those off my calves. my cleavage is up here, gentlemen. stop talking about proper form. some people can do things and suck at them. i’m never going to be like a professional ice curler. and i shouldn’t feel bad about that. who the fuck curls for fun. maybe Canada???????

note to self: look up the history of the sport of curling 

i’m going to get good at it to piss off Jason

Back On Topic:

Killer Croc took a step forward. His mouth trembled, watering in anticipation. He took another step.

Mrs. Trenton drew in a breath. 

The room was silent. 

Far across the room, Bruce Wayne clenched his champagne glass. Cassandra Wayne stopped chewing the crab cakes.  Reader, I won’t mince words: Waylon Jones crossed the threshold.

  and the instant he put his foot down on the ballroom floor he fucking slipped like a drunkass toddler

like when Damian is really really tired bc he’s like 2 years old (only an evil 2 years old like chucky) and Jason tries to give him a high five 

gremlin still doesn’t get that “down low” precedes “too slow” 

and he like. faceplants

onto the fucking concrete 

and then Bruce yells at Jason 

and then Jason yells back

“I NEVER ASKED FOR SIBLINGS”

like it was something we all did, like wrote it down on our batmas lists for Brucie Claus 

and im sitting there, a perennial Forgotten Middle Child

and Damian is like still. on the ground.

anyways KC is just slipping across the ballroom, slippering and sliding bc the floor was just waxed and it’s silent except for the wet slaps of his feet against the floor and the screech his tail makes every time he trips (sort of like this) and when he sometimes falls it makes that sound of when your thighs SLAP against the mats and it sounds like a wet walrus coming to cheer you on while a Giant simultaneously swallows a liquid-filled gummy worm down his throat like QAWAGGHHHHHHH only his falls reverberated against the ceiling panels and the cherubs looked down in like. disgust.

Cass began chewing the crab cakes again by the time Killer Croc fell for the twelfth time so idk it was an embarrassing situation

 we all did that Thing people do when a social barrier is breached 

 we like…..avoided each other’s eyes and made light conversation 

 meanwhile Killer Croc’s body screeched in the background

anyways Matthew Fielder was like “so I hear you dance ballet” and Cass responded “uh huh. tap too” and the chewed up crab cake crumbs fell out of her mouth and onto the floor

 i CAN’T

scrambled cock on a cracker, Cass why does Alfred let this happen????? what is this??????  like she can snort creme puffs like cocaine but GOD FORBID i put my elbows on the table and call damian “a poisonous little bitch” because he ate my croutons

 the standards in this family are unbelievable

So everyone is just talking and Mrs. Trenton is sipping champagne now and Luis Alvarez is doing that thing where he starts trying to eat caviar one teeny tiny egg at a time and KC is just like WHUMPH for the thirtieth time

finally dad takes pity on him and crouches down and is like “hey how you doing slugger” which???? Offended me. Very Much.

that’s MY nickname 

has Waylon No-Nipples Jones been adopted by Bruce Wayne??? has Waylon No-Nipples Jones retrieved HIS sorry ass from time?? i don’t fucking think so 

the audacity of this man

but before Killer Croc can reply

Red Hood

BURSTS INTO THE ROOM

guns out, voice modulator kind of fuzzy like a broke refrigerator that makes an “eeeeeeeeeee” sound ever since i tripped over it and fell on it

 which wASN’T MY FAULT 

 IM NOT “deformed baby zebra clumsy” FUCK YOU JASON 

 MAYBE HE SHOULDN’T KEEP HIS EXPENSIVE HELMET ON THE FLOOR THEN 

 you know what? I’m GLAD i tripped over it.

 yeah. suck it. 

 im glad you sound like a 90s japanese transistor radio 

 off brand too

 fuck you 

 I GOT A BRUISE NOT THAT ANYONE CARES 

 even Bruce was like “hey tim you need to watch where you’re going”

 ???

 how about YOU watch where YOU’RE GOING 

 “where” as in TIME TRAVEL 

 REMEMBER THAT BRUCE 

 REMEMBER THAT?!???????

 HUH BIG GUY?!???????!!???

 no one is allowed to criticize me from now on

 i am Above Reproach 

    anyways yeah Red Hood appears at the party and shoots KC and Bruce was like “why the FUCK would you SHOOT HIM” as if he has some misplaced paternal feeling for Waylon No-Nipples Jones because he called him slugger which is something he calls one of his other kids but whatever im not bitter im just insecure and sad all the time but don’t worry about it maybe i’ll die one day and you’ll all be sorry especially about Certain Things like not sharing cheese nibs huh Cassandra

so RH and Bruce Wayne kind of argue. like. literally sniping at each other bc SOMEBODY forgot that Red Hood is a criminal and not their misplaced son and RH is like “it’s!!!!! a tranquilizer!!!!! ya big hoe!!!!!” only he doesn’t really say it like that but everyone isn’t even listening at this point because this party has already been so goddamn weird and we’re all suffering from secondhand embarrassment

i am Assuming,,,,,that Killer Croc Jones “Jonsie No-Nipples” has been taken away to be put into jail and studied for his non-nipple properties but at this point i’ve been sitting here huffing that cold medicine or whatever Bruce gave me. which

 oh yeah i was crushed earlier 

 it was by “slugger” but whatever

 yeah his body broke mine 

 it was because Bruce and Jason were fighting again and not paying attention so 

 KC was tranquillized and like 

 fell on me 

 he drooled on me too 

 those ballroom floors really hurt 

 like my head feels like mush 

 Alfred’s oatmeal 

 on its second day 

 because i refused to eat it on the first day 

 that man has a spine of Steel and he Does Not Let You Waste Food 

 btw he fell on me because i pushed Luis Alvarez out of the way 

 he was really transfixed by those tiny fish eggs 

 it’s fun to put them on your tongue and let them like slide around 

 so i pushed him out of the way and was promptly crushed to death 

 B said something about a broken collarbone 

 i am more worried about a broken butt 

 fuck

 my coccyx

PROFESSOR PYM wait no shit that’s a comic book character

anyways my butt is broken and im hungry and dad wouldn’t let me get out of the chair so i write up this report because I am A Real Life Detective and I do my JOB

once again im the best

hey red jood can you get me some cheese nibs cassandrA won’t share which is p mean especially since i was all for being eaten to give her those crab cakes  red hoof red  why isn’t he responding to me i want xheese nibs red hanz  red  red  Red Hood please I require sustenance  red fhau red gjji red hhood ted joood redb hood red red edds red red edd dedd red red red red red wd red  what the fuck what a right bastard sometimes oh hi Badaman

EDIT: His name is “Pyg.”  Fucking. Pyg. Points taken off for unoriginality.

decided to have a tumblr version too ¯\_(ツ)_/¯