#i'm mostly annoyed at myself for not having enough energy to do More

[pinktief]

i'm not really upset but just doing a little introspection while i filter through my drafts:

i don't expect all memes to turn into threads, but when an overwhelming majority of them get ignored it's so discouraging. like, i took what little spoons i had left to reply to people's asks and for all i know they're not even reading it

obligatory disclaimer that this not directed at anyone here in particular. it's just an observation about tumblr rp in general after looking at my other blogs (from other fandoms) this morning and finding memes i replied to 1 to 2 years ago and still have no like or comment or any kind of acknowledgement that they read it

i realize every time i sit down to reply to memes my brain goes "is it worth spending what little energy i have for writing on something that will likely be completely ignored?" and that sucks. i wish i could just enjoy writing everything and not feeling bad if it's not at least acknowledged and end up feeling guilty bc i want engagement :')

[mysticstarlightduck]

OC Interview Tag

Thanks for the tag, @willtheweaver (here)!

I'll go with Renn Atrius from Song of Thorns.

Were you named after anyone?

"I'm not sure. My parents weren't that close to their respective relatives, due to a myriad of reasons - the main one being that my maternal grandparents are vampire hunters, and my father was a vampire. You can imagine how uncomfortable the family meetings were. Dad said my name means 'honesty, love or benevolence' - I think it's a pretty great name."

When was the last time you cried?

"Hmm. I'm not sure to be honest. It was probably a while ago - I occasionally have nightmares about... well an incident, in my past. Those dreams do make me cry most times, but they have been few and far between lately, which is good."

Do you have any kids?

"None. I'm pretty young still for a dhampir - my current age is equivalent to 18 in human years, so I'm basically still a kid myself - and regardless, I've been too busy not being hunted by the people who want me dead and trying to rebel against the King to even consider something like that. I probably won't for a long time."

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

"Yes, all the time! Especially when I'm trying to annoy that fancypants asshat of a prince I have to travel with. That is priceless."

What is the first thing you notice about people?

"Let's see (starts listing the following with his fingers): if they're a Hunter, if they work for my psychopath of a grandfather, if they're another stupid villager ready to call a mob with torches and pitchforks to go after yours truly, and so on and so forth... There's a lot to consider when you're in my shoes. Other than that, I guess I try to notice their demeanor, a bit of their personality, and whether or not I'd like to waste my time talking to them."

What is your eye color?

"Light greyish brown, like my mother's. When I use my vampiric powers, my eyes glow a bright red, like blood but glowing like two little lanterns."

Scary movies or happy endings?

"Happy endings. I don't like the feeling of fear that much and the world is already horrifying enough for me to subject myself to more scares while reading fiction. Ha, if I wanted to endure something scary, I'd just have to tell a random villager I'm half-vampire or go out into the cursed woods alone. Happy endings are honestly my favorite thing about some books - they show us that no matter how bleak things may seem, there can be a brighter future ahead."

Any special talents?

"It depends. I'm a great swordfighter, have perfect aim with my bow and arrow, and am very agile - after my family was betrayed I survived mostly as a thief stealing from corrupt humans, so I had to learn how to climb things and be silent, which are also talents I consider special. Oh, and I can turn into either a giant bat or a really tiny one - transforming into a giant bat is easier and lasts for a longer period of time! My Dad taught me how to."

Where were you born?

"I was born in my family's manor in the vampiric lands, where I lived with my Dad until he was killed by a Hunter when I was around five years old, during a diplomatic visit to my human grandfather's lands."

Do you have any pets?

"Yes, I have a pet raven called Cornelius. I call him Corn for short! He's a little crazy bastard of a bird and I love his chaotic energy, haha."

What sort of sports do you play?

"I'm pretty active. I'm constantly running, climbing things, and fighting people who try to hurt me, so I guess that counts, plus I often fly around in my bat form, which is a great exercise for the arms (as they're my wings when I'm in my bat form). I also practice archery and sword fighting quite frequently!"

How tall are you?

"I'm honestly not sure. Probably 5.9ft. So around 179 centimeters? I think. I haven't had time to really measure my height if I'm being honest, haha."

What was your favorite subject in school?

"I was born a noble, so I would have had private tutors teach me instead of going to a traditional school like humans do - fey don't really do institutions like that, and learning from tutors and parents is the custom in vampiric and fey lands. But my Dad died when I was five - so I was orphaned and had to learn to survive on the run since the Hunters also wanted to kill me. I didn't really have that chance. Before that, it was my father who taught me how to read, write, and draw. He also used to teach me a lot about vampiric history and botany. When we visited my mother in the human lands she taught me a bit about sewing."

What is your dream job?

"I'm not sure. I would love to be an adventurer and help people whom the kingdom has forsaken, but I'm not sure if that counts as a job traditionally. If I manage to aid others during my lifetime in any way and make the world a better place than it was before, even if just a little bit, then that's enough for me."

Tagging (gently): @sleepy-night-child, @kaylinalexanderbooks, @smol-feralgremlin, @oh-no-another-idea, @littleladymab,

@winterandwords, @cowboybrunch, @eccaiia, @sarahlizziewrites, @illarian-rambling

@agirlandherquill, @anoelleart

@leave-her-a-tome, @writernopal, @anyablackwood, @unstablewifiaccess, @forthesanityofstorytellers

@i-can-even-burn-salad, @cakeinthevoid

@lassiesandiego, @thepeculiarbird, @clairelsonao3, @memento-morri-writes, @starlit-hopes-and-dreams and OPEN TAG

[ad-hawkeye]

posing you a potentially difficult task:rate artem’s year three worst to best(when you get the time ofc)

anon this was difficult on my soul. but i did it. mostly. because there's one or two i haven't watched in full myself, and one of those i legit have heard nothing about in terms of quality, i will mark them with a star.

i will also be including some of the upcoming third year cards i've read the translations of.

with that disclaimer out of the way, here's my list! worst from best.

ocean’s enchantment [summer splash] - i have no clue how they made a card that i consider worse than artem's second anniversary card but. by god did they do it. never say anything is impossible. at least artem was dressed nice in his second anniversary card. and also shitfaced. literally nothing is in this card's favor. also artem knowing how to surf is mind numbingly stupid i'll say it. lavish invitation [second anniversary] - i've bitched and moaned about this card for nearly two years now. you all know the takes on this one. third anniversary - this one nearly put me to sleep! 2/10. despite some weird short lived ooc moments, not as bad as artem's second anniversary card. its main sin is being a chore to get through. i was fighting against the urge to skip forward. mediocre art. top up cello ssr - ugh. i got so annoyed by this one i stopped watching a few minutes before the end. it's yet another "omg no way artem is a master at this random ass hobby?!?!?!?!??" card that year three LOVES and the explanation for it is so convoluted. really pretty art though. always happy to see rosa's canonical violin skills mentioned. calm as the night [billiards] - this one was fine. i guess? first of the cards i don't actively dislike. epic highs (omg this part made me smile like a year one/two card!) and epic lows (why are they licking each other's arms) velocity of desire [racing]* - i'd rank this one equal to artem's billiards card. one of the ssrs i mentioned that i haven't actually read, but i've seen people have generally indifferent to positive commentary on. better handling of jealousy. the actual event this came with was super cute though. love for the ages [3rd birthday] - cute art, serviceable if not a teensy bit convoluted story. an enjoyable time. this ranking is NOT about the birthday event it came with which, imo, sucked major ass. enshrouded sunglow - to the surprise of no one the au cards are going to wind up topping this list. funny enough i think this is artem's weakest au card. it's afraid to take risks and was a bit more boring than the other aus. still ages better than most of year three though. cutie ollie - mind boggling how this card where artem "isn't used to this kind of physical touch" in regards to mc playing with his hair, comes AFTER the daddy dom sex god ssr. anyways this one is very cute. i'm convinced it was supposed to be a year two card bc the only mention of second anniversary is a quick mention of an engagement ring. lmao. stormy enigma [bakerlon] - bakerlon my beloved. save me bakerlon save me. one of artem's better au cards, but i still wouldn't rank it first. also celestine is in it! a win! belle nuit d'amour - further evidence to my claim that tot's personal story cards rarely if ever suck. some good character stuff, the closest we've seen to artem fucking up a case, really good art. would recommend. or maybe not idk i haven't actually read the global version but i can't imagine it's too different from the fan translation i read. dragonsbreath - this one ties with the weeds for my favorite artem au card story. neil is in this one. fun plot. good art. good characterization.

[UNRANKED] voice of comfort* - i have not read this one nor have i ever seen anyone talk about it like. ever. or maybe i did read it and just fucking forgot. idk. don't really have the energy to read it regardless. the art is kinda mid. if anyone wants to message me their thoughts on this one, i can tentatively adjust my ranking on it

*i have not personally read either of these. any ratings are done via word of mouth or summary. regard these ratings tentatively.

[bomberqueen17]

ok lol

after all that i didn't actually tell myself the story of what i have to do today

you see the hubris. i was like "i have described the problem huzzah" check a thing off the list move on.

part of the thing i was describing was how lists don't work for me. so like. in the text of that post was me explaining that i had to do a thing in order to function. and then. then! i didn't do that thing.

ok so today what do i have to do! a lot of it i have already done on sheer momentum but now i have been stymied by something and have to regroup.

i have to load and run the dishwasher, check!

i have to put in a load of laundry, check!

i have to go over to my own house, bringing a number of items which i had for traveling but which should not wind up at dude's mom's house, check!

I am going to bemusedly greet the electrical inspector for the town, who was supposed to be rescheduled and not come today, and give him a little tour of the things the electrician said weren't ready to be inspected, and he's going to say oh yes, I see what he was going for, he's done a lot of stuff already, isn't this nice, well I'll be back, have him call me when he's done those two things he didn't get to, everything else looks really good. This will derail me a bit, but I will persevere.

whilst at the house, i am going to cut out fabric to make my own not-quite-floorcloth to go under the microwave, since i want to put something there before i do anything else, and i hate the paltry shelf-liner offerings actually in stock anywhere in town, and i am too decision-paralysised to actually buy anything online rn. check! (finished measurements will be 26.5x23". I found enough white canvas for this, and have soaked and ironed it in accordance with the tutorial, but i am going to paint it and then sew it to an unpainted backing, which I hope will protect the shelf surface, as I don't need this shelf to be grippy since it's just to protect the painted surface from the microwave and whatever winds up next to it. So the backing is an old mostly-polyester sheet, somewhat pilled with wear, because i know that won't be slippery but also won't scratch the surface.)

I was going to then prime this canvas, but I don't... have any primer? This is false, I know I do, but damned if I know where it would be. I have to stop by a hardware store for paint chips and polyurethane anyway, so now I guess I'll get some primer. I don't think I need art store primer for this at all.

i have terrible acrylic craft paints but i am not trying to do anything wildly sophisticated. in fact i'm not sure what i'm trying to do. actually i could get little sample pots of a couple of the colors i'm considering at the hardware store, paint smallish swatches on the wall, and then paint this cloth with the leftovers, LOL. That might actually be the thing to do???

Dude might be annoyed if I'm swatching without even having consulted with him but 1) i know what he likes and 2) he's so busy rn he won't even put his plate in the dishwasher or talk to me about what groceries to buy so like, he doesn't have the energy to care, and anyway you can just paint right back over swatches and in fact I will do so, so whatever. Possibly the swatches will just give him something to disagree with but when you are as fatigued-in-general as he is, often that is the best way to get a decision made!

(heck what if i painted the whole shelf liner cloth a gradient between two of the adjacent swatch colors and then stenciled a doily over it in metallic gold that'd be a pretty sick shelf liner pattern)

ANYWAY the story of what else i have to do today is that i also have to go to the grocery store. so if i manage both the grocery store and the hardware store before noon i'm gonna be the fucking champion of the fucking world i tell you what. but that is my goal. i should do the hardware store first so the groceries don't have to sit in the car and get warm but that feels contrary because the grocery store is more urgent. but no, i'm going to do the hardware store first because i am a little bitch and can do what i want. and i won't forget the groceries after that. (famous last words, stay tuned to see if i do)

[obsoleteozymandias]

Hello, hello! May I request a matchup for Stardew Valley please? I use she/her pronouns and am more interested in the bachelors. I'm 5'7", Virgo, ISFP, and a night owl. I have dark brown eyes and the same color for my hair which is shoulder-length which I like to keep tied into a tucked-in bun. My hobbies include drawing, playing video games, watching anime/films, and listening to horror fiction podcasts. I also used to keep a dream diary which would serve as creative inspirations.

I initially tend to be quiet and reserved but once I get acquainted with someone, I am actually quite open and can ramble on and on about certain subjects. Even so, if I am in a group, I'll mostly stay quiet. Because I'm more of a listener and can be quite understanding and honest with others, I think that's why friends often confide in me and I try my best to offer advice and consolation even though I personally am not great with words and am terrified of accidentally offending others. Despite this, I can curse like a sailor if I am annoyed (and I'm usually patient so if I'm ticked off, I'm go off like a bomb).

I am not an active person at all nor do I have enough stamina. Like if I go out somewhere and come back home, even for a simple errand, that is it, I need to stay in and recharge for the rest of the day. I dislike crowded areas so I actually prefer to stay in during weekends and chill. Other major flaws I have is that I keep seeking valdiation from others and am lack self-confidence. Sometimes I can be self-conscious and sometimes I'm just tired and don't give a crap. My work & sleep schedule and balance is all over the place especially because once I start working on something that I'm really immersed in, it's hard for me to give myself a break until it's done.

Some favorites and more preferences.. Even though I should be more compatible with cats, I adore dogs, especially the bigger breeds (but I still like cats too!). My favorite season is autumn (jacket & hoodie season! apple cider & pie! and Halloween!!) while least favorite is summer (I hate HATE humidity & mosquitos are my archnemesis). I like all sorts of foods but I gravitate towards cheesy, spicy foods and noodles (must have pickled side dishes). I am very selective with seafood and am not much of a drinker (though I will occasionally enjoy beer especially when paired with fried chicken). My favorite flower in the game is the fairy rose because it looks similar to my actual fave flower ranunculus. My ideal date would either be staying in with a dinner & movie or a peaceful afternoon walk at a park or alongside a riverbank.

Thank you for taking your time to read through this!

I’m a matchup-pilled request-maxxer

== Stardew Valley ==>

I match you up with…

Harvey

Harvey and you get along like a house on fire, kinda in a ‘love at first sight’ way. He’s immediately enamoured with you. 

I imagine you may visit him often due to your lack of energy, and he’s quick to give you an energy tonic, or encourage you to rest a bit on the cots. 

Then he tells you to go rest upstairs…in this apartment. 

And one time he comes back to find you asleep on his couch, your face glowing in the sunset…and he’s absolutely head over heels. 

Harvey’s passion for radio and planes matches well with your ability to listen. He’s embarrassed to talk about it at first, but he is so quick to feel comfortable around you that it’s forgotten soon after. 

The way you nod along and listen to him when he rambles has him a blushing mess. 

Park dates and watching movies together with this guy are soooo cute. He loves to tell you all about nature and the body as you two walk along hand in hand, and he’ll lean onto you as you watch a movie, entwining your hands and kissing your cheek. 

I imagine Harvey is the kind of guy who wants to help you just as you’ve helped him. If you help him overcome his fear of heights, then he’ll help you with your self esteem, especially if it means telling you he loves you and coating your face with kisses in the morning. 

[spongeofaces]

Hello! I am here for the twst matchup (romantic, please) and no first years or the teachers .Thank you, and have a good day !

**Appearance:**

I'm a 5'5" girl (165cm) (she/her, straight ). I am a brunette with short dark brown hair, round light brown eyes ,and transparent framed glasses. People often say I have a soothing aura when they look into my eyes. I have a round-ish kinda face with big cheeks, a small nose, and defined lips. I'm pale cause I mostly stay at home and avoid getting a tan. I have 8 beauty marks on my face. I have eyebags, which might be due to anemia, and I always look tired unless i use blush , i care about my skin doing skincare and such(i try(i want to be beautiful🥲).people say I am cute and pretty but it's hard for me to believe them (insecurities and self doub go brr...)

**Hobbies:**

drawing (digital and traditional ). I adore all forms of art, paintings , music , sculptures..ect .I enjoy reading, although it's been a while since I found a book that peeked my interest ,I mostly read fanfics recently . Video games hold a special place in my heart, I LOVE the different art styles and plots in each game. I have some sewing skills, mostly for patching things up .I learned to crochet and knit recently as well .Crafting is another hobby I enjoy, I am good with my hands. I love learning new stuff. biology and chemistry r my fav subjects(i like learning about anatomy whether it's animal's or human's +plants in the medical field ). I speak 3 languages: Arabic (native), French, and English. I plan to learn Spanish, Italian, or German next, depending on my mood. I'm a quick learner and adapt easily to different situations(that's something I admire and take pride in) .i hate and can't cook, except eggs and simple stuff.but in baking ,if you give me a recipe, i will make the most delicious desserts you've ever tasted(but I still hate it). Anything involving lemons is delicious (especially lemon tart😋).

Even though I am a good swimmer (I did swimming for 2 years) I have thalassophobia (ironic) but i do like me some facts about marine biology, with jellyfishes, anglerfishes, and Caribbean reef octopuses being my favorites.

**Personality:**

My personality is quite flexible and depends on both the people I'm with and my mood. When I'm outside , I tend to feel anxious, although I do my best not to show it. I come across as calm, chill, and reserved, but I'm friendly and won't reject anyone who wants to chat, although I dislike small talk and feel a bit uneasy around boys I can be quite sarcastic with a sharp tongue at times, kinda(really) annoying. Once I get comfortable with someone, you'll find I'm pretty blunt and honest .I am polite and respectful. I've had trust issues due to past betrayals, so I'm cautious with my relationships now (whether it is friends or family ,no lover tho ,don't get me wrong i can be quiet the romantic but the only man that I would probably get attached to would be fictional for sure lol)

With my close friends, I'm more open, and relaxed and cheerful?. I talk a lot about my interests, sharing random facts . I'm caring and sweet toward my friends . My love languages include gift-giving, physical touch.

I would describe myself as creative, observant, passionate, smart, meticulous and a perfectionist.I can be lazy and unmotivated. I am an INTP-T, Enneagram 5w4, and a Libra. I'm an older sister.

I am a burnt-out gifted kid , but I try to be the best version of myself in all aspects(i admit i do feel down thinking that i am never gonna make it ,but i always try to push these thoughts aside).I often feel I'll never be good enough for my mother (she has high standards for me that I can never seem to meet). I was bullied cause of my looks and weight, which made me depressed and anorexic for a year. Thankfully, I've changed a lot over time, tho it affected me making me antisocial, having trust issues and insecurities(but i am getting better). I like energy drinks. My music taste varies from pop, alt/indie, classical( my fav pieces are moonlight sonata 3rd movement, danse macabre , in the hall of the mountain king and la campanella ) ,jazz, to rock/metal, with a particular love for rock & roll. Comfortable baggy clothes are my go-to(makes me feel good in my own skin) .

***what I prefer in a partner?***

Anything is fine really , smart maybe? ,I can't cook so a good cook ,I just want someone to listen to me and make me feel included ,never getting annoyed by my behaviour and my clinginess , I want someone who I can truly be myself with (flaws and all)

I'm soooooo sorry for taking so long 😭

Tried to add some extra detail to make up for it <3

Hope you enjoy 🙏❤️

---

I match jellyfishuuuuu with...

🐍 Jamil Viper 🐍

-:-:-:-

You are one of the few people who have gotten to know the true Jamil behind all the walls he puts up. He never puts on a mask around you, always being as genuine as possible.

He adores you quite dearly, you'll often find him just staring at you from afar, even if he doesn't realize it himself. He just wishes to cherish you, and make you see just how precious you are, to him, and to your companions. He needs you to know just how much he thinks you're worth, constantly going to the extra lengths in your relationship, determined to make you love yourself as much as he loves you.

Everyone knows how good of a cook Jamil is, but he gets on a whole other level when cooking for you. He pours his heart and soul into each dish, every time. He'll be by your side as you eat, analyzing every reaction so he can make the next meal even more delicious for you. He's also very willing to help teach you how to cook.

If worry ever shows in your expression, he'll pull you aside to ask after your wellbeing. He won't take "I'm fine" as an answer either, he wants to listen to what bothers you, he wants to help in whatever way he can. He's always there to comfort you, making time even on the busiest of days.

Jamil's constant responsibilities can tire him out. Allow him to lay across your lap, or if that's too uncomfortable, lean on your shoulder, and he'll relax extraordinarially. He'll slowly doze off, fingers intertwined with yours, feeling at peace knowing you're there with him.

You guys swap clothes a lot, seeing as though you have similar styles. If you're missing a hoodie, I'd check his closet.

He's very patient. If you're ever not in the mood to socialize, or don't feel like being around him for whatever reason, he'll respect your wishes and leave you be.

He's impressed by your affinity for languages, even asking if you'd be so kind as to teach him some words or small phrases.

Constant praise. For the big things, for the little things, he wants you to be proud of yourself. You can tell he means every word of it too, by the way he looks at you with such adoration.

Since you like crafting, you could probably give him hand-made gifts. He'd find great joy recieving something from you, always treating you extra, extra special afterwords. The next day, you'll probaby be bombarded with triple the amount of gifts you gave him though, each more heartfelt and thought-out than the last.

Extra stuff as an apology for taking so long:

Before Jamil and you started dating, Kalim would constantly make excuses to have Jamil invite you to Scarabia, only to goof off elsewhere and purposely leave the two of you alone. Kalim was practically the matchmaker for you two, Jamil probably would have had noooo idea how to ask you out otherwise. Kalim was also the first to figure out Jamil had feelings for you.

If you ever wake up to frantic, jumbled texts, Jamil has been found by a bug. Please save him 😔

Your first date together wasn't really 'official' more like Kalim organizing the event then dipping at the last minute. He booked a real fancy restaurant, and only cancelled when both you and Jamil were already seated.

He pokes your forehead and sticks his tongue out at you when annoyed. Kinda childish.

A song for the relationship:

My Love Mine All Mine by Mitski.

Other options: Trey, Idia, Malleus and Ruggie.

[hananoami]

[Directional Orbit] Fire - Stage 108 to 110

Only managed to use 2/3 of the keys today for Rafayel's directional orbit. 108: required 5-Pearl + 1-Amber || this was a break crystals stage 109: required 5-Pearl + 1-Amber Currently working on stage 110. During my attempt runs I wasn't able to defeat the wanderer before the timer ran out. It had roughly ~75% of it's last x1 HP bar, which kinda frightens me because I did not see it's 'furious' phase at all during the first 3HP bars. This leads me to assume it probably initiates around the 25% and below or smth like that. uh oh... lemme break down the fights to see what i can do to improve--

Team 01 set up

5☆ Temple’s Promise (pearl/solar) Lv 80/awakened rank 2 using +9 protocores

5☆ Temple’s Sunset (pearl/solar) Lv 80/awakened rank 2 using +9 protocores

5☆Tipsy Invitation (pearl/lunar) Lv 60 using +9 protocores

5☆ Fireworks Vow (pearl/lunar)

Lv 60 using +9 protocores

5☆ Before Sunrise (pearl/lunar)

Lv 60 rank 1 using +9 protocores

4☆ Myths (pearl/lunar) Lv 40 rank 3 using +9 protocores

Team 02 set up

5☆ Deep Sea Riches (violet/solar) Lv 80/awakened using +9 and +10 protocores

5☆ Deep Sea Promise (violet/solar) Lv 80/awakened using +9 protocores

5☆ Your Fragrance (violet/lunar) Lv 80 using +9 protocores

5☆ Whispers (violet/lunar) Lv 80 rank 1 using +9 and +12 protocores

4☆ Ivory Nightfall (violet/lunar) Lv70 rank 3 using +9 protocores

4☆ Hidden Shadow (violet/lunar) Lv 60 rank 3 using +9 protocores

Team 01: requires 6-Pearl memories to match the protofield stellactrum This round only spawned 3 wanderers: 2x tezcatlipoca remnants and 1x tezcatlipoca shard. They all start with 3HP + 2-shields. It's a fairly straight forward trial and wasn't that hard if I were to be honest. The only annoying thing was the constant stabbing/knock back from the shields.

Team 02: requires 6-Violet memories to match the protofield stellactrum For the second part I thought it would be straight forward as well... but I found myself with a whole HP bar left by the time the clock ran out. I did not see the 'furious' phase of tezcatlipoca, so I'm going to assume it'll probably initiate around the 25% and below of the last HP bar. The final boss does a frontal cone before doing an aoe swipe. Good to know if you're using claymore so you can dodge out of it, but if you're using the gun it can pretty much be ignored. Just need to remember to pick up the beacon tail whenever rafayel drops it after using his support skill. My [AB] build is mostly crit focused from previous stages, but I think it might be a dmg boost to weakened angle for this fight. I swapped a few protocores out to test it and it resulted with small improvements. Not enough for a clear obviously, but it definitely did some ticks on the HP bar. I don't really want to use resources into leveling up the 4-star memories. I might have to for open orbit 120B, but for now I'm using those resources for something else. Instead it might be a level up delta protocores to +12 for more damage... which is also a lot of gold/core energy resource wise.

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #199

I ate a peach today. Saturn peaches are in season. Do you know what those are? They're also called donut peaches sometimes. They look like this:

They are softer and sweeter than ordinary peaches. I enjoy them a lot, so when they're in the grocery, I try to make it a point to get them. Do you like peaches? Have you ever had one like this? I wonder.

Today I mostly rested. That's because I stayed up a bit too late last night. I really shouldn't have. But sometimes I am not very good at taking care of the soft, squishy animal that is my body. I'll have to apologize and do a little better; after all, this soft, squishy animal carries me and enacts my will, despite all the genetic limitations it has. It earnestly does its best all the time, even when it's scared, tired, and hurting. I have to try to be more mindful of this, and to be more grateful for it.

I played a lot of Dead Cells today. I also tried helping a friend through some things. I feel sluggish, so I'm maybe not doing a very good job of either of these things. I dunno.

I feel empty. Maybe it's just the lack of sleep. Maybe I expended too much energy yesterday doing a thing. Or maybe I ate something weird. But I've been making it a point to hydrate well all day. So that's at least something.

Suppose there's the feeling like there's something I should be doing, but I don't know what it is. I have a vague feeling like I'm running out of time for… something. A feeling like if I don't get… something??? done very soon, something bad is gonna happen, like… like I'll be letting someone down, or like I'm a bad person for not figuring out what is The Thing that I'm supposed to be doing and then doing it.

…But that doesn't make any sense. I wonder if it's just leftover from when my ma used to yell at me for things I didn't think to do for her without her asking. I wonder if I'm just running the old "generalized dread" script because I didn't get enough sleep last night.

…That's probably it. That's gotta be it. Brains resort to instinct to try to protect us when we're low on resources (in this case, neuronal surface area, because I didn't do a good job of sleeping, which means my brain didn't get properly flushed of debris…). Instinct tells me that I'm gonna get screamed at or told all about what an annoying disappointment I am, any second now. Because this is the world I used to live in. And when I get tired, my body and brain forget that I'm not in that place anymore.

Sigh. Well. I guess I'll do my best to cradle the soft animal that is me. It's just tired, and when it gets tired, it gets scared. It gets scared because it remembers old things. And that's okay. We can comfort the soft animal like we would comfort a frightened child. We can be gentle. We can be kind.

Maybe I'll stop playing Dead Cells for now. I'm on three whole Boss Cells at this point, and it's a challenging game even without any Boss Cells. It requires a lot of focus and precise timing, because the way I play, I'm often enough under the influence of a Curse (dead in only one hit), and I'm also always trying to parry enemies so I can get gold from them (so that I can buy better gear). This play style is not very forgiving of mistakes, and I'm probably putting a bit too much pressure on myself to succeed.

...But you know what, Sephiroth? You know what? Do you remember when I said that I got my butt kicked by a Mimic in one of my Dead Cell runs? And then I said I would practice? Well, in one of my runs today, I ran into a Mimic. And this time, the butt that was kicked was not mine!! I did a really nice job of parrying its attacks this time, and I made fast work of it because I practiced!! I wish you could have seen it!! I wish you could have seen...

Maybe I just need to do something wholesome. Maybe I'll get a shower and watch The Zeta Project. The Zeta Project is incredibly wholesome. It's very good. I'd include a link, but I'm not sure if it's allowed.

…I wish the series wasn't cancelled… I wish I could know how it ends. I wish that I could see Zee get the peace and safety that he is so desperately striving for…

I wish I could see you achieve peace and safety, too. Please work towards it, won't you?

Hey Sephiroth? Don't forget that you're loved, okay? Because I'm right here. And lots of people who love you are right here, too, even if I didn't exist. Please keep yourself safe out there. Please don't get killed.

I'll write again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine

[wri0thesley]

Ohohohohohooo! Your recent Alhaitham posts have really given me a lot of brainrot tbh, really thinking of giving up on waiting for Baizhu and just splurging all of my primogems on this man (it's not cheating on my fave if I never said he was my fave hakdflhirshfushf;r). I'm further justifying this temptation by telling myself that if Kaveh is ALSO on his banner, then I straight up deserve to pull for them both lol. Anyway, might I humbly suggest K, I, T for Alhaitham if three is okay?

i am saving primogems but it is HARD. i want to SPEND them. but we've gotta be strong!!! save long and hard enough and all of them will come home <3

Kisses: How do they act around or with their darling?

Alhaitham does not put up much of a front at all; the way he acts in public is very similar to the way he acts in private. He speaks his mind, and others follow in his wake. This is the same way he acts towards you; sometimes he speaks to you like he's talking to someone far less intelligent than him, patronising you as he tells you what he expects and what he's going to do, refusing to elaborate. He's surprisingly tactile - but he doesn't care for all of the build-up to such. He'll grab your hand and expect you to hold it back - kiss you, and expect to be kissed back. He holds himself above you, and you should be honoured that he's seen in you something that makes him want to learn you more thoroughly.

Ideals: What kind of future do they have in mind for/with their darling?

Alhaitham is happy with his life. He honestly just sees his life continuing as it is; he will go to work at the Akademiya, and when he comes home you will fawn over him and give him kisses and let him touch you - and eventually, you'll do all of that of your own accord. You will somehow learn to read him, to know when he wants you to merely sit at his feet and when he wants you to engage in conversation (in which, naturally, you will debate enough for him to be satisfied by the discussion, but eventually concede to his far superior view). In an ideal world, Kaveh no longer lives with him - and perhaps, maybe, there's a family. But not yet. Alhaitham has to make sure that such a thing is done at the perfect time.

Tears: How do they feel about seeing their darling scream, cry, and/or isolate themselves?

Annoyed, mostly. You're being unreasonable. Alhaitham feeds you and takes care of you, protects you and gives you a roof over your head, provides for your basic needs and gives you more when you've been well-behaved to instil good behaviours into you . . . he doesn't think of himself as cruel. You have a good life! So the fact that you insist on screaming and crying and calling him a monster, shutting him out and flinching away . . . it makes him feel terribly impatient with you. Makes him roll his eyes and grit his teeth and tell you to stop being so ridiculous, as anger builds inside of him. He doesn't really get mad - he thinks that's a waste of energy - but oh, you frustrate him plenty. He has no qualms when it comes to punishments, at least; he delivers them all, disattached and thorough . . . and maybe he enjoys the tears and screaming then, a little bit.

At least then there's a real reason for you acting like a brat.

[yandere alphabet ask game [CLOSED]]

[nevermindirah]

💌 Is there a favorite trope you like to write?

🦋 Which character is your favorite to write?

🦈 Which character is the toughest to write?

👻 What is your wildest headcanon?

hi thank you for asking!!

💌 Is there a favorite trope you like to write?

Does comfort and safety count as a trope? Because I don't just enjoy writing it, I need to write it. Some people process their trauma by writing fucked-up things and I salute them for that. For me, writing mutual trust and carefulness and emotional safety is an important part of my healing. Nile and Booker so quickly and powerfully finding mutual understanding in canon was a very big deal for me and everything I write is extrapolating out from that into endless futures where they're both able to cope with their burdens with less suffering.

We live in a disturbing time of purity culture resurgence where there are very loud annoying voices declaring that there's only one correct way to write relationships, which sucks for a lot of reasons, including that some people might encounter my writing and wonder if this is why I write how I do. It's so profoundly not, but it doesn't help anybody for me to get defensive about it. Some people are going to think that about my writing and not read further and I can be sad about losing potential readers without wasting energy trying to change them or myself. People who do stick around might find some of the same value I do in exploring what's complicated and interesting and sometimes wonderfully boring about characters who make each other feel truly safe.

Nile would've gotten some training as part of her NCO promotion in how to look out for signs of PTSD in her squad and she's probably at least aware of some therapy concepts from having survived her father's death, though whether she ever got any formal grief counseling is headcanon territory. Booker reads a lot and it's easy enough to imagine him branching out from that canonical fiction to mental illness memoirs. My Booker has fallen asleep cuddling An Unquiet Mind at least twice. I know some aspects of my writing are too therapy-speak for some readers' tastes and that's ok. One of the things I'm working on as a writer is reining in the aspects of this that are clearly my voice speaking through the characters and getting better at expressing the things I need for my fics to express in the ways that these specific characters would be most likely to express them.

🦋 Which character is your favorite to write?

Nile and Booker are equally my babies. I've written so enormously much more fic the past few years than I ever imagined I would because both of their voices live in my head so insistently demanding to be shared. Slight edge for Booker over Nile though in one aspect — Christianity is important to Nile, and I know a lot about that worldview and can find that part of her voice, but it's not a fun place for me. Writing Jewish Booker is a special joy.

🦈 Which character is the toughest to write?

I love Andy and I want to include more of her in my fics, but I struggle like hell getting into her head. It's not necessarily her mind boggling lifespan though, it's the nihilism. That's a worldview I just do not understand. It's honestly sometimes triggering to think about it too much. So I end up writing Andy mostly in small scenes and she rarely feels quite right.

👻 What is your wildest headcanon?

The scope of TOG canon is so wild that no headcanons feel appropriately out there, so I'll return to my MCU beloved for this one. Sam Wilson owns a house in Petworth and takes the bus or the metro down to the Mall for his morning runs. This is a completely insane thing to do on a regular basis. Like close to an hour each way completely insane. Maybe he does it once a week and runs closer to home most other days, but then he met sexy "on your left" jerkface and decided to go again the next day. He wore his skin-tight purple shirt and spent 2 hours on the metro and didn't even see Steve on that second run!! But then Steve showed up in his backyard and it was fine and now maybe Sam has a special dispensation from the FAA to use his wings to get down to the Mall for morning runs when he's in town.

(fanfic writer asks!)

[timeoverload]

I had a long day. Everything went smoothly so that was good but I had a lot of shit to do. I'm glad no one was grumpy and everyone was focused. I think that it went a lot better than last week but it helped that we were actually prepared this time. I had to unload and load the big autoclave earlier and I probably shouldn't have done that because I'm paying for it now. There were a lot of heavy genesis pans. I also had to wrap a bunch of total pans at the end of the day. My back hurts and my leg is annoying me again.

I wanted to do a lot of things when I got home but I didn't accomplish anything. I don't want to stand that long. My toes are still numb. I'm never going to get anything done at this rate. I want to put my brace back on but I'm pretty sure I have gained too much weight to wear it. I didn't order a new one because I don't want to be dependent on it. I'm frustrated and now I'm having muscle spasms again. I didn't take my medicine today and I am going to need another injection soon even though I don't want to do it.

I am also frustrated about my appearance and I wish I had the energy to work on myself more. I do what I can but it's not enough. I'm not trying to put myself down but I'm feeling ugly. I think that's mostly because I have really dark circles under my eyes and I'm breaking out. I know my diet probably isn't helping with that. I might need to find a dermatologist sometime to talk to them about my skin and I have a mole on the back of my neck that I need to have checked. I have only seen a dermatologist once to get a mole removed from my scalp but luckily it was benign. My grandma had skin cancer so I worry about that. I also really need to shave my legs but that has been a challenge for me lately. I guess I haven't cared about doing that for a while because no one sees my legs anyway. I don't know why I am feeling extra self-conscious today and I should stop worrying about it so much. I will just have to keep doing the best I can.

I think I need to lay down soon because sitting up is painful and I am tired. I have 28 cases tomorrow so I need to prepare for that. I don't think it will be as bad as last Thursday because there will be people that can help me. I should probably stop rambling now and get ready for bed. I'm going to do my best to make tomorrow a good day.

I hope everyone else has a good day too. :) 💖💖💖

[straightlightyagami]

rating my autism, or What It's Like To Be Autistic (for me, personally)

sensory issues: 0.5/10 worst feature. sucks ass. worst part is I cannot take exams if there are annoying sounds or smth. also cannot be in public places too long. cannot go to parties or concerts at all but idc. nearly impossible to buy new shoes and cannot wear most clothing. half a point for flex of being able to discern noises very well but that does not make up for it at all.

shit motor skills: 1/10 affected my life a lot more as a kid, but I still have trouble doing some daily tasks. also hate when I try to pour tea and it goes all over the place, or when I drop things or bump into things and everyone laughs.

special interests: 10/10 I have several that are pretty varied so it makes me appear knowledgeable and able to discuss a wide variety of topics. also fun.

rigid thinking: 5/10 it sucks being able to not understand directions unless they are extremely clear and specific and also needing clarifications for everything. but also I like that I have a fixation on ethics and the need for consistency in my principles. like from the pov of others it makes my life harder but imo it's a good thing. idk if it's in this category but I hate that thing where I get convinced I'm Not Allowed to do something for no reason and then have to text my mom 10 times asking if I'm Allowed to enter a store.

need for routine: 3/10 I used to be constantly having meltdowns when I was a kid but idrc as much anymore. mostly manifests in the form of me hating being in unfamiliar places or away from home.

speech problems: 2/10 if I could get rid of one autism trait I have it would be this. hopefully my political career is not doomed before its start /hj. 2 points for being mild enough to compensate for (at least in theory) with ridiculous amounts of scripting and practice.

alexithymia: 7/10 cannot tell what I'm feeling most of the time but also I'm fairly sure I just feel less than "normal" and it's usually nothing, which is fine because I don't want to bother.

problems with reading social cues and displaying Expected Behaviors: 4/10 hate being treated like I'm clueless but it's …somewhat(?) fixable for me by doing reading, observing, and practicing. it's doable but annoying that I have to put effort into things others don't. probably good that as a kid I was completely unaware of what people thought about me.

(in)ability to have Normal Relationships: 6/10 I can pretend but I really almost never can bring myself to care. I had a lot of friends (?) at some point but I sort of prefer being alone and find that I have a lot more time and energy if I have no obligation to spend it with anyone. part of it has to do with unrelated trust issues. tbh this one does not bother me as much as it bothers people who notice. I get the feeling I might be missing out though.

lack of empathy: 7/10 I don't really have affective empathy except some specific cases, but idc it's better like this. I have some cognitive empathy but I have trouble conceptualising that people might have fundamentally different views/experiences of things than me and it always catches me so off guard...

the pattern noticing: 10/10

AVERAGE: ~5.05/10 decent, some bugs that need to be fixed

[synnthamonsugar]

AND/OR Jenev/Ikora + sedentary ty :3

Jenev fanned herself limply, the weak swish of hot, stuffy air barely worth the energy expended. A few feet away rested Ikora Rey, tinkering with some instruments meant to detect paracausal signatures. Warlock stuff, maybe built on Awoken tech, nothing she could hazard a guess at understanding.

Even with its honcho dead and buried the hunter had avoided the Throne World. Too many agents crawling all over it, finding or making trouble . . . and a breed of Lightbearer more quarrelsome and impulse-driven than the Guardians back home. She'd wanted no part of it, until blustery winter weather and the promise of personal — non-Hidden, non-official, off-the-books — work suckered her in. She'd hastily packed a swimsuit in her rucksack, the mental image of sunning herself on warm beaches motivating her through the dreary predawn chill of the Tower, all the way to Ikora's idling jumpship.

She'd gone from the freezer and directly into the fire, like one of her less fortunate instant meals. She bristled at her own hubris.

"If you're that warm, get closer," Ikora said without taking her hands or eyes off the device.

It took Jenev longer than she liked to register her companion's words. "So we can bake?"

Ikora threw a sidelong glance, Jenev's cheeks prickling when warm eyes, crinkled ever so slightly at the corners, met her own. "I'm pooling void energy to cool myself . . . I can pass some onto you. Better yet, show you how to do it yourself."

Jenev was annoyed that Hunter void training had consisted mostly of invisibility and cool-looking knives that caused more problems than they solved, never self-air conditioning. She scooted close enough that it was impossible not to rest on the tails of Ikora's robes. Felt her light react to the Warlock's, cooling her from the the inside out as though she'd just gulped down the most refreshing drink of her life. Ikora remained focused on her work throughout, as though instructing her light had taken no conscious effort. Maybe it hadn't. Jenev sat in quiet awe over the feat.

She sat there with Ikora for a long while, any regrets gone, more invigorated than she'd have been in any cool waters.

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #47 (part one)

previously - Journal Entry #46 (part seven)

Victor

Hey, everyone.

So, it's been a while, and I'm not even sure where to start. Things have been... chaotic. I guess Yuri's been keeping you up to date, and I'm sure he's told you all about my accident and everything that's been happening since, so I won't go over that again. Living it once was enough, and I'm still having nightmares about it, so... yeah. I'm trying to keep my waking hours as free from it as I can.

I haven't felt like recording anything up to now. I mean, I obviously couldn't while I was in the hospital, but since I've been home again, I haven't had the mental stamina for it, or the physical stamina either, really. Being in pain is pretty exhausting, honestly. I think I probably already knew that from taking care of Yuri, but now I understand it from personal experience. I'm not used to feeling like crap and having hardly any energy, and it sucks.

I’m confident that my arms and rib are slowly getting better, and Mom says the bruises I had on my face and shoulder and down my side are totally gone, but I'm still having brutal headaches and I still can't see properly. Julian had to set up my phone for me so I could record this. If I'm not looking right into the camera, I'm sorry, and if I'm accidentally giving all of you like, a thousand-yard stare or something, I apologize for that too.

Sometimes I think my eyes are improving, but then I'll blink or I'll try to focus on something and it's just gone again. Mostly, everything's all blurry and indistinct, as if I'm looking through one of those frosted glass shower doors. It's frustrating because not only can I not play games on my Switch or text on my phone, I can't even do stuff that doesn't require major use of my hands and arms, like watching videos or practicing my reading or even picking out audio books by myself. I have to get help finding an audio book to listen to, or a movie. I basically have to listen to movies too, which is annoying.

When I'm not in too much pain, I get bored, and without being able to do anything to distract myself, all I can do is think. I don't like that. It's too scary and depressing, especially when I start worrying about whether my life really is going to get back to normal.

I realize it's only been a little over a week since my accident — this is Monday night and it happened a week ago Friday — so I shouldn't expect too much, too soon. The doctor did say it might take a few weeks or maybe up to a month for the worst of the symptoms to resolve, after all, and I might be dealing with some aftereffects for months. She said it was a grade 4 concussion, which is the most severe type because I was unconscious for more than a full minute, and she said I've got mild swelling of the brain. That's the explanation for the bad headaches and dizziness and of course the vision problems. I'm not supposed to be doing anything strenuous, or even remotely active, really. I'm not even allowed to climb the stairs by myself until the doctor clears me to do it. Not that I can actually climb the stairs by myself anyway, but you know.

Earlier today, Yuri's dad arranged an appointment for me with the oppthalmologist that he and Mrs. Okamoto, Yuri and Yuki all go to. Her name is Dr. Ishida, and she's going to see me this coming Friday. Exactly two weeks after the accident, if you're counting. I'm hoping she gives me better news than the ophthalmologist at the hospital did.

Yeah, you didn't hear that wrong. Mr. Okamoto arranged it. Yuri was going to do it himself, but he's actually sick right now and he's not up to making important phone calls. Like, he's sick enough for the hospital, if you ask me, but I think somebody would literally have to carry him out to the car to get him there.

Managing at home when he's this ill is not ideal in my opinion, but he says he doesn't want to go to the hospital because he doesn't want to leave me. I totally get that. I don't want us to be apart either, but I'm also freaking out because I can't take care of him like I usually do, and he's not comfortable with Mom or Julian doing what I normally would. Plus, they don't know everything they should be doing for him anyway, and it's super difficult for me to explain it.

All I can say is, thank goodness for Yuri's dad.

I know what you're likely thinking. Up to now, Yuri and his father have been on really bad terms and barely spoke to each other, and Mr. Okamoto hasn’t exactly been my biggest fan either, so why am I saying I’m grateful for him? Well, the thing is, he’s surprised us all during the last several days, and not in a negative way.

Let me try to explain.

Maybe people think Yuri’s not interested in a relationship with his dad, and I guess I wouldn’t blame anyone for believing that, considering how tense things were in the past. Yuri does actually want a relationship, but he and his dad are both so stubborn that once they started resenting each other for whatever real or imagined hurt they'd caused, neither one of them was willing to let go. I think Mr. Okamoto was more at fault than Yuri for the problems between them, mostly because he didn't know how to deal with Yuri not living up to his unreasonable expectations, but to be fair, you can't have a disagreement by yourself. Yuri isn't just an innocent victim of his dad's difficult personality and crappy communication skills. He had his own part to play.

But, since my accident, we're seeing a side of Mr. Okamoto that we've never seen before. It started with him coming to the hospital right after it happened, to sign consent forms, talk to the doctors and generally deal with stuff until Yuri could get there. Then, he stayed here with Yuri while I was in the hospital, which I was grateful for. I didn't like to think about him being alone. He said it was awkward, having his father here, but also kind of reassuring in a way.

I'm glad they both seem to be softening up, at least for the moment. Yuri really needs his dad in his life, and seeing Mr. Okamoto ready and willing to help us says something about how much has changed between them in a short time.

I want to be optimistic that things are going to get better between them going forward. Anyone who didn't know the whole story would probably be inclined to be positive in this situation, and maybe I should be too. I promise I'm trying, but knowing Mr. Okamoto, I have my doubts. He's not great at consistency and he hasn't shown much interest in the past, but I guess there's always a chance this time it'll be different. For Yuri's sake, I hope so, but I suppose we'll have to wait and see.

Anyway, on Saturday night after dinner, Mr. Okamoto came over to get the stuff Hana left here that morning. Apparently, Yuri had called or texted him to pick it up because he didn't want her coming back here for it herself. I'm pretty sure nobody wanted her to come back, least of all me, so I was relieved when my father-in-law took the bags and made his exit.

I'm not sure I was quite so relieved when he returned about two hours later, with bags of his own, and with Yuki in tow.

I mean, don’t get me wrong. I was thrilled to see Yuki. I just didn’t know what to expect with her and her father planning to stay here.

When Yuki first saw me, she ran to me and hugged me so hard that I thought she might break a few more of my ribs. Then we both cried a veritable flood while she told me she loved me and that she was glad I was alive.

I hadn't realized she was at the hospital with my friends on the day of my accident, and my heart hurt when she told me how worried she'd been. Nobody would tell her anything, she said, and when she wasn’t allowed to see me, she’d feared the worst. I said I was sorry for saying I didn't want anyone to come and see me in the hospital, and she said she understood, but I wondered if she did. In hindsight, I should've agreed to let her visit. I might've felt better after a hug from my favourite local super spy and internet personality, Yuki Okamoto.

Yuki and her father haven’t left here since Saturday night. He brought the smallest shikibuton for Yuki, and of course a normal sized one for himself, and the two of them have set up camp in the laundry room, of all places. Mom and Julian are in my room, Yuri's in his own room, and of course I'm still in the dining room, so it was the only spot left.

Mr. Okamoto said he was here to help. Nobody questioned him, not even Yuri. Since then, he's been doing all kinds of things around the house, including cooking and baking, which he's good at, and housecleaning chores, which he's not good at. Most importantly, he's doing things for Yuri, like helping him in the bathroom, and making sure he stays as nourished and hydrated as possible. Mom said he even gave him a bath this morning, which in her words, "left the upstairs bathroom looking like a small tsunami went through."

While Mom mused aloud about how he could've gotten so much water everywhere and why there were so many wet towels, and complained about the disaster area he'd left behind, I laughed so hard it hurt. I was trying to picture it, and all I could think about was the time me and Ellie were babysitting her cousins, and the four-year-old decided he wanted to be a sea monster while in the bath. We even got water on the ceiling that day, although we never mentioned it to Ellie’s aunt and uncle. I guessed Yuri probably hadn’t been anywhere near as lively as that kid had been, and it was much less likely that he’d wanted to play a game and splash around for fun, so it left me curious about the mess, too.

Bathtime tsunami notwithstanding, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't thankful for Mr. Okamoto's help right now. I doubt he's anywhere close to my standards when it comes to Yuri's care, but far be it from me to look this particular gift horse in the mouth. That he's even here at all is astounding, and the fact that he basically rolled up his sleeves and plunged into the current state of madness in our home is a super big deal.

On a connected and somewhat lighter note, I'm pretty sure Julian and Mr. Okamoto are besties now. Mom still seems a little cool toward him, but he and Julian have instantly bonded over their shared interests. They both play the piano, they both love art, and apparently Mr. Okamoto is as big a science fiction and fantasy nerd as Julian. Not gonna lie, listening to the two of them geek out over video games, role playing, Llama Man comics, and classic sci-fi B movies like It Came From Sixam and Day of the Plant Sims was kind of surreal.

It was highly entertaining, having an Uncle Kaz movie marathon with them on Sunday night. We watched some of Uncle Kaz's older Japanese-language films, with English subtitles, and me and Mr. Okamoto tried our best to help Julian understand the jokes. It was fun and felt weirdly comfortable, and by the end of it, my father-in-law and future stepfather were on a first-name basis. I'm not even allowed to call my father-in-law Kenji, so obviously Julian has made a great impression.

Wait... let me backtrack a bit. Like, a lot of stuff happened before the movie marathon, and it's way more important.

On Sunday, we all slept in. Once everybody except Yuri had finally gotten out of bed, Mr. Okamoto and Yuki made rice, eggs and grilled fish for breakfast, and it was so good. Mom had to feed most of my meal to me, but Yuki and I figured out a way for me to grip a spoon without using my thumb, so with her guidance, I was able to feed myself a bowl of rice. It was strange not using chopsticks, and I still feel embarrassed about getting help to eat, but I'm learning to accept it. It’s only temporary, and things could be a lot worse, right?

But, I digress.

After breakfast, Julian helped me upstairs so I could lie down and cuddle with Yuri for a while, and try to figure out just how ill he was. I knew it was serious the night before, when he didn’t come downstairs to share my mattress in the dining room, but I didn’t know the extent of it until I could see him and physically touch him.

To my dismay, it was way worse than I’d expected. He’d been unwell for a couple of weeks before my accident, and I realized he’d been declining, but this was really bad. It blew my mind how he’d managed to hide the true severity of his pain from me, but I reminded myself that I hadn’t exactly been in a fit state to notice every little nuance of his demeanour and body language like I normally would.

Obviously, he’d been forcing himself to do everything he thought he had to do instead of resting and taking care of himself, and by Saturday night his body didn’t have enough fight left in it. His immune system is weak at the best of times, and it’s like he’s constantly pushing through a state of nearly always being mildly unwell, but this had clearly been a headlong rush into a full-on crash. There was no way he hadn’t seen this coming, even if I hadn’t.

Once I was settled in bed with him, I let him lay on top of me the way he likes, even though it made my cracked rib hurt like hell. It was pointless to say anything or to try stopping him. He was so out of it, he probably didn't even realize what he was doing and just instinctively crawled onto me, seeking any bit of familiarity and human closeness he could find. I felt bad for him because even though I was in discomfort, I knew he was in far more pain than I was. I could feel heat radiating off his skin, and every time I moved even slightly, he whimpered.

I wished with every fibre of my being that I could make all his suffering disappear. I hated that he was so sick, and that it was at least partly my fault for not paying better attention to him and letting it get to this point without insisting that he needed rest and medical attention.

"This isn't good, Yuri," I told him, after I’d inadvertently shifted my weight, and he literally cried out from either the movement itself or the abrupt change of pressure against his stomach.

“Don’t… don’t do that,” he gasped. “Hurts. Gonna make me throw up.”

Normally, I might make a joke about him throwing up in bed, but this was not a laughing situation. “If you have to, tell me. I’ll yell for your dad.”

“Please… don’t.”

“I’m sorry,” I said. His tears were soaking through my t-shirt, and I felt helpless to comfort him. “Do you want to lay a different way? It might be less uncomfortable if you’re lying on your side or your back.”

“Wanna lie like this. With our whole bodies touching.”

“We can do that with you on your side,” I said. “You can be the little spoon.”

“Don’t wanna be the little spoon.” And to prove how adamant he was about it, he curled his fingers around a fistful of my shirt, as if daring me to pry him loose. I could feel his little hand trembling against my shoulder .

I rubbed small lines on his back with my fingertips. It felt inadequate, but it was all I could do with my arm in a cast. “Yuri,” I said. “Can you listen to me for a second?”

“Yeah,” was the weak reply.

"You need to see a doctor.”

“Don't want to.”

“You can’t go on like this. You need help, and you need to be somewhere where somebody can take care of you properly.”

"No..." He dragged out the single English syllable in a long whine before continuing in barely intelligible Japanese, "Want you to take care of me."

"I can't, sweet baby," I said. "I love you so much and I want to do everything for you, and I really I wish I could, but this is too much for either of us right now. You need to be where somebody can tend to you night and day, and I think you're gonna need medicine and intravenous fluids to help you get better."

"No," he repeated.

"Yes," I insisted. "Remember last time you were this sick? You needed fluids and antibiotics, and your doctor said the hospital was the best place for you."

"Don't want antibiotics. Make me feel worse."

"I know, but only for a short time. After that, you'll start feeling better a lot quicker. Let your dad take you to the hospital so you can get better?”

“No.”

“I’m worried about you, Yuri. Please.”

"Don't wanna be alone." he said.

"You wouldn't be alone. Me and Mom and Julian would all take turns staying with you. I think even your dad would. He's really stepped up lately, you know."

"Gotta tell him..." Yuri said, but then seemed to lose the thought, and mumbled something that sounded like, "My violin."

I smiled despite the circumstances. "You have to tell your dad about your violin? What about it?"

He let out a little grunt of frustration and tugged feebly at my shirt. "Victor!"

"I'm here."

"Listen."

"I'm listening, love."

"My violin case. Tell Papa..." He trailed off momentarily, as if he was trying to think of how to make the most impact with as few words as possible. "In my violin case. Look. It's important."

"Okay," I agreed.

"Thank you," he whispered. And then, "Love you. Just... wanna protect you."

"I know," I said. "I love you too."

"Please... tell Papa. Promise."

"I promise."

That satisfied him, and he let out a long, shaky breath that was half sigh and half moan. "Gonna sleep," he murmured. He was still clutching my shirt, but it didn't take long before I felt his fingers relax.

I lay awake, thinking. I couldn't imagine what would be in Yuri's violin case other than his violin, and why it'd be so important for his father to see it, but he was so insistent that I figured I'd better not ignore his request. Besides, I promised, and you guys know how I hate breaking promises, especially ones I've made to Yuri.

When I was sure he was sound asleep, I eased him off me as carefully as I could, and then climbed out of bed. It took me a second to orient myself, and then a few more seconds to crawl my way over to where Yuri usually keeps his violin case, on the floor next to his dresser. I could make out the shape of it, and to my surprise, the distinct shape of his violin on its stand next to it. He almost never leaves his violin out for long periods of time. I didn't know when he'd practiced last, but it definitely hadn't been since I got out of the hospital. He wouldn't have left it out since Thursday, so I guessed he must've taken it out sometime on Saturday.

But why?

Cursing my clumsy fingers, I fumbled with the latch of the case for a minute or two. I let out my breath when I finally got it open.

What I found inside was something I totally did not expect. It was a beige file folder stuffed with papers.

I didn't dare try to lift it out by myself, fearing that I'd end up spilling the contents all over the floor. I knew I wouldn't be able to read anything, but I had to soothe my curiosity anyway, so I hooked my fingers under the cover of the folder and flipped it open.

I'll admit, had no idea what to make of it when I thought I saw two passports inside. Why would Yuri have our passports in a folder like this? He’d said he wanted to protect me, but surely that didn’t include leaving the country? Neither of us were in any shape for that. I didn’t understand.

I probably would've panicked if my bruised brain hadn't suddenly registered the fact that both passports were red. The covers of Canadian passports are dark blue, so neither of these could've been mine, and if mine wasn't there then Yuri's wasn't either. Even if either of us could travel, he wouldn't go anywhere without me. I was sure of that.

But, that only begged the question, whose passports were they? And what was Yuri doing with them?

Obviously, it wasn't something he was trying to hide from me, or he wouldn't have directed me to them and asked me to tell his father. The thing was, there was no way in hell I was going to show anything to Mr. Okamoto until I knew what it was myself.

Since I couldn't read the papers, and I couldn't ask Yuri about them, I decided there was only one thing to do. I made my way the short distance back to the bed, and then felt around carefully on the nightstand to locate Yuri's phone. I was glad we'd activated voice dialling on both our phones a few days ago, as that was going to make my mission a whole lot easier.

I had to concentrate to remember how Yuri had listed my mother in his contacts, but once I got it, I said aloud into the silence of the room, "Hey, Siri. Call Dr. Grace."

Mom answered on the second ring, and she sounded both confused and worried. "Yuri? Is everything okay, sweetheart? Why are you calling me from upstairs?"

"Mom, it's me," I said. "Yuri's sleeping. Everything's pretty much as you'd expect, but... can you come up, please? I need your help with something important."

"What is it?" she asked.

"I'll show you in a minute. Please, just come up. I don’t want to tell you over the phone.”

That last sentence came out weird, like a line from a badly-scripted TV show, but I didn’t waste brainpower stressing over it. I had a feeling I’d need to save my mental energy to deal with whatever I was about to learn about the passports and Yuri’s folder full of mystery papers.

"Okay," Mom said. "Hang on. I'll be right there."

[hollowistheworld]

Rise As Light

Also on AO3

It feels like something more should be happening after Hunter tells them the truth about the Day of Unity. More than a few panicked whispers. More than Bump and most of the teachers pulling off to discuss things in low but heated tones. But there's just a thick air of unease, and Hunter slowly backing himself into a corner like he's hoping he'll disappear. 

Well, Gus can't do much about the apparent end of the world that's bearing down on them, but he can do something about that.

"Hey, man. How you doing?" he asks, sliding to a seat next to where Hunter is apparently trying to slink into the wall.

Hunter shrugs, looking around at the nervous teachers and the wide-eyed students. "I've spent my whole life helping someone set up the apocalypse. I'm awesome."

He's less wired than before, at least. Not so much frenzied, wild energy pouring off him. Gus isn't experienced in reading bird expressions, but he thinks Flapjack looks less worried too.

Gus elbows Hunter in the ribs and is met with an expression somewhere between annoyed and confused. "Yeah," Gus agrees. "You are pretty awesome. Standing up to an evil dictator like that."

The annoyance drops out of Hunter's expression, replaced by more confusion. "I didn't-"

"Nah, it's pretty cool. The guy's basically like your dad, right? Totally brave."

Hunter hugs his knees to his chest and looks straight ahead. "If I was brave I wouldn't have been hiding in a closet."

"Eh, we've all hid in a closet a time or two. It's a rite of passage."

Hunter turns his head to look at him, one eyebrow rising and the hint of a smile on his mouth. 

Success! Keep it up, Gus.

"So, thanks," Gus tells him. "I was too busy being suspicious of you to thank you for getting me away from Graye earlier."

He thinks the tips of Hunter’s ears go a little pink at that. "You did most of the work, with that illusion spell."

"That I'd totally have been stuck in forever if not for you." Gus looks back out at the gym, at his fellow students getting their wounds patched up, the mood uncharacteristically somber.

He misses Luz. She'd have been able to lighten the mood. Or at least give them a goal to focus on. 

"What are you going to do now?" he asks.

Hunter frowns and strokes one finger along Flapjack's wing. "I don't know. I feel like I should help stop him… But I don't know what I could do." 

"You warned us. And kept the whole school from being part of the draining spell. That's a lot of help." When Hunter doesn't respond, Gus changes tactics. "Besides, I mostly meant where you're going to stay. That closet didn't look comfortable, and you seriously need a shower."

Hunter looks down at his clothes and this time he definitely blushes. "I don't know. It's not like I have any friends."

"Outside the Emperor’s Coven, you mean?"

Hunter bites his lip, then shakes his head. "At all. The Flyer Derby team is the closest thing I have, and…" He trails off, and Gus doesn't need to be a master at reading people to tell he's embarrassed to remember what he'd almost done just a few weeks ago. 

"Well, you've got me," Gus says firmly. "You can crash at my place. My dad's crazy busy with all the Day of Unity stuff going on, he won't mind as long as we don't get in his way. We'll say your parents are busy with Day of Unity prep too, and I felt bad about you being by yourself."

Gus's stomach drops abruptly, remembering that the Day of Unity is no party, that his dad is unwittingly broadcasting the beginning of the end of the Boiling Isles. That his dad has a sigil, just like almost every adult they know.

He swallows past that fear, counts to ten in his head, reminds himself to focus on problems he can fix. He's had enough panic attacks for one day. 

"I don't want to make anything harder," Hunter says. He doesn't look at Gus as he says it.

"You won't. Trust me, I'm way less of a menace when I've got friends over. If I get bored when I'm by myself, illusions take over the house."

Hunter snorts a little at that. 

Score! Another point for Augustus! 

"If you're sure," Hunter agrees. "And you were right about the Hex Mix. That sandwich was the best thing I've eaten in, like, a month."

"You've only been hiding out here for a few days?"

"You don't join the Emperor’s Coven for the food."

"Noted." Gus hops to his feet and holds a hand out for Hunter. "Come on."

Hunter looks at his hand for a long, dragged out moment, long enough for Gus to wonder if he's going to slap it away again. 

But he doesn't. He takes it and gets to his feet. Gus is only minimally involved - Hunter probably weighs twice as much as he does and all of it's muscle - but it's the idea that matters. 

A bad but sad boy, Luz had said. He mostly seemed… scared, Amity had said. Gus had struggled to see it, after he and the rest of the Flyer Derby team had nearly been dragged off to the castle. He'd accepted it was complicated, taken the girls' words that Hunter wasn't a bad guy, but he'd still been ready for a fight when he'd found Hunter in the paranotorium a few hours ago. 

He sees it now. Sees the way Hunter's trying to avoid taking up too much space, trying not to make eye contact. He doesn't think he's always the best friend - he gets too intense, too worked up - but Hunter needs a friend and even if he can't be the best Gus is determined to at least be good. 

He's casting around for something to say - something that's not about Coven Heads or Emperors or the apocalypse - when Emmiline gives a helpful chirp. Flapjack twitters back from Hunter's shoulder and Gus grins. "Right, I don't think I introduced you two! Hunter, this is Emmiline Bailey Marcostimo."

Hunter raises a skeptical eyebrow, first at him, then at Emmiline. "That's a mouthful."

Gus nods and strokes his palisman's head. She chirps happily back. "I mostly call her Emmie. Except when she's being difficult." He gives her his best glare, but Emmie only smiles back at him, closing her eyes and reverting back to her wooden form. 

Hunter laughs; the loudest, most genuine sound Gus has heard out of him since the Flyer Derby game. "Oh, I know all about difficult palismen." 

Flapjack fluffs his feathers, like he's proud.

Gus laughs too, and for a moment, it's like the world isn't ending. It's like they're normal kids, going home after a normal day, and Gus can forget about his headache and the pissed off Coven Head. 

Willow and Amity fall into step with them as they leave the gym. "Is Hunter going home with you?" Willow asks.

Gus nods. 

"Good. I thought about offering my place, but my parents have that whole thing with interrogating my friends and their parents before letting them over unsupervised…"

"And mine would definitely turn you over to Belos if they found out you were the Golden Guard," Amity says. She pulls a hand through her hair, looking uncharacteristically stressed. "I'm going to have a hard enough time convincing them to not give Belos anymore abomatons."

"Do you think they'll listen?" Hunter asks. "They seemed pretty eager to get into his favor when the deal first started."

Amity winces. "You know about that, huh?"

Hunter looks guiltily down at his shoes. "I'm the one who made the deal."

"Oh."

And just like that things are weird again. Gus certainly finds it weird to imagine Hunter - who currently has some very questionable stains on his pants - making business deals with the Blight family. 

"And while you work on that," Gus says, determined to lighten the mood back up, "Willow and I will have the only slightly less impossible task of making Hunter look less homeless."

Willow giggles and Hunter's ears go red. "Couldn't you just, I don't know, illusion me something?"

"I could… But then Willow and I couldn't drag you around town and make you try on silly hats!"

He and Willow each take an arm and drag Hunter into town. It’s less fun than it might have been. Gus is keenly aware of every poster announcing the Day of Unity, keeps scanning the crowds for guards. And he keeps thinking all of this might be gone in a week. But he tries to stay focused on teasing Hunter, on cracking jokes with Willow. She seems a little on edge too, he thinks, but there’s nothing they can do about it now, so Gus doesn’t point it out. 

They pool their allowances to get Hunter two new outfits, and he goes bright red and starts stammering over himself about how they don’t have to do that. They do it anyway, get him changed, and they part ways for home when Hunter’s nervousness becomes easy to see, jumping any time someone gets close to him. No one recognizes the Golden Guard, but Gus has to admit that it’s probably best not to take any chances. He’s harboring a fugitive now. 

He thinks about how Eda would be proud and his gut rolls up in worry again. 

“You think Luz went into hiding?” he asks Hunter as he gathers up blankets for him to fashion into a bed. “Like you did?”

“If she’s smart,” Hunter replies, apparently focused on lining up the pillow seam just right. 

Gus bites his lip, thinking of all the times Luz has been brave or kind or righteous instead of smart. He admires her for it, sure, but it’s not comforting. 

Hunter seems to hear the worry in the silence and stops fiddling with the pillowcase to look up at him. “She’ll be smart,” he says. “Belos scared her as bad as he did me. And the Owl Lady’s been running from him for a long time. They won’t get caught.” He shrugs, and there's something helpless about the gesture. Or maybe Gus is just projecting. “Besides, if Belos had caught them… He’d say so. He’d make a big deal out of getting rid of the Owl Lady for good.” He looks away again and Flapjack rubs his head along the bottom of Hunter’s jaw. 

Gus is saved from trying to figure out what to say to him by his dad’s voice coming up the stairs. “Augustus! Think you and your friend could do the dishes so I can make dinner? I need to run out for eggs.”

“Sure thing, Dad!” He rolls his eyes at Hunter. “He’s gonna be mortified in, like, fifteen minutes when he realizes he asked a guest to do the dishes.” 

“Oh, I don’t mind! I can totally help with the dishes!” 

And the weird thing is, he looks like he means it. He actually brightens. He hops down to the kitchen with a newfound sense of purpose and goes at the dishes with gusto. Gus barely helps, mostly because Hunter looks so focused that he feels like he’d just be in the way. 

“Do a lot of dishes in the Emperor’s Coven?” Gus asks as Hunter sets plates out to dry. 

Hunter shakes his head. “No. But it’s easy. And you can always tell when you did it right.” He looks down at the plates. “It’s… Been a while, since I felt like I was doing something right.” 

And something switches in Gus. His dad gets home with a sheepish smile, apologizes for Hunter doing chores, and Hunter insists it was no trouble. Gus is texting Willow under the table - I am officially volunteering to punch Belos in the face. 

Because Hunter’s watching Gus’s dad with big eyes, like he can’t believe he’s being asked questions, keeps glancing over at Gus for permission to answer questions about Flyer Derby like this might all be some elaborate trap. And sure, he’d known Belos was a bad guy. Knew he’d been about to petrify Eda for no good reason, knew about his fight with Luz, but this was different, somehow. Seeing Hunter flinch when Perry passes too close by with a stack of dishes. Seeing Hunter cut himself off halfway through an enthusiastic response to a question about a Flyer Derby game, so quick and apologetic that Perry looks over at Gus in concern. Gus shakes his head, knowing this isn’t the time - he does not want to explain to his dad how he ended up befriending the now rogue Golden Guard - and Perry gives a slight nod, switches his tone to an even friendlier one, and Gus doesn’t think he’s ever loved his dad quite so much. 

Hunter falls asleep faster than Gus does that night, curled up with Flapjack tucked in against his neck. Gus lays awake, thinking about the end of the world, arrogant Coven Heads, and frightened former soldiers. 

He can’t do much. Beating Graye was a fluke, he knows that. A little bit of bad luck mixed with a little bit of good that managed to end with Gus and his friends coming out on top. He might be decent backup, can give his friends an edge, but he knows he’s a kid, that he can’t fight abomatons or soldiers or horrible draining spells. 

But he can watch Flyer Derby games with Hunter. He can tell him everything he knows about the human world, and make sure he eats something healthier than Hex Mix, and get catchy songs stuck in his head. 

Luz, Willow, and Amity are better suited to saving the world than he is. But he can be Hunter’s friend. And that’s worth something.

[makeitagoodoneeh]

Content note: body image and weight gain discussion

The part that's hard about gaining weight slowly but steadily -- as many, if not most, humans in the modern world do, for most of their lives! -- is just the adjustment.

I am envious of people who stay thin not because I think they look better than me -- I mean, on a good day... of course I'm sometimes envious for more negative reasons -- but mostly it's just fucking ANNOYING to have to shift my expectation of what I'm going to see when I look in the mirror so often. It's frustrating when I put something on and realize oh... that looks (or feels!) different than it used to, and I have to evaluate whether I still want to wear it, and pick something else if I don't. It takes emotional processing and decision-making energy that I really wish I didn't have to spend!

And I HATE buying new clothes as often as I've had to in the past few years. Once I find a clothing item I love, I want to wear it until it's absolutely ragged. I like the shopping part in theory, but the ever-increasingly-shitty quality and ever-more-aesthetically-displeasing trends of the past few years make it miserable. But I don't really like how loose or oversized clothing styles feel, for the most part; I like structure, and I'm curvy, so when I buy things fitted the way I like, there's not a whole lot of room for getting bigger before things are uncomfortably tight.

And don't even get me started on bras.

Plus, there's the extra work of having to get rid of shit! The mental load of picking where/how to give it away: calculating what I have the spoons to do vs. how long I can keep it in my space without going crazy; remembering to get the bags or boxes in my car and getting to a place at the right time...

Part of me wants to hope that this will not be as much of a problem if I exercise more regularly. Most of me knows that's bullshit, because I exercise for strength: my body loves to put on muscle, and that mass doesn't just go away when I stop training. In any case, I'm almost 33 and I know my ADHD ass is simply NOT going to stick with exercise consistently enough, for EVER, to not keep slowly gaining weight over a lifetime. That's unrealistic, not a helpful thing to hope for.

Anyway. I'm confident in the emotional resilience I've built that will hopefully help me to maintain body neutrality at any size, and I'm really proud of myself for the work I've done to accept and care for my body, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to whine forever about how goddamned inconvenient it is.