#id call my mom and beg her for reassurance like she does with me but im not her and i refuse to be

[greenfiredragonfly]

My brain keeps shouting at me: "what are you even here for if you're not needed?" I'm so tired of this. Just shut uuuuuuuppp. T_T Stop telling me I'm unnecessary and unimportant and just in the way. God.

...how do I find a place where I feel wanted? Where I feel safe? Is it possible? Is it even possible? Please tell me that it's possible please please

[letarasstuff]

Breaking Protocol

(A/N): This was requested by an anon. I hope you like it, I really enjoyed writing for JJ for the first time :)

Summary: What will happen, if JJ isn't technically allowed to tell her family about the Anthrax Attack, but tries to do it anyways?

Warnings: Mentions of a sick child, Spencer eats Jell-O, so food

Wordcount: 1.8k

✨Masterlist✨ __________________________________

JJ always says that even though she is a communication liaison for the FBI, she is a mother first. This is something she promised her daughter when she first began to work there. And she is set on keeping that promise.

But today it turns out to be more difficult than ever. Hotch’s strict instruction to keep the information about the Anthrax Attack in the circle of the BAU and the military forbids the mother to say anything to her family. Still, her family is constantly on her mind.

If she is right, Will planned a trip with one year old Henry and 14 years old (Y/N) to the park. JJ can’t think about anything but her most important people in the world laying in the ER, coughing their lungs out and spluttering blood, while she is stuck at the office with the power to warn them.

Spencer comes into her office, asking for a certain file. “Spence, what would you do if your family is in potential danger?” He stops for a second to think about it: “Given the fact that my mother is in a sanctorium with guards and medical staff, I consider her pretty low risk and can’t put myself in a situation where she is in real danger. So I take all of you and since I see you as my family and the people that keep me going I think I would do anything to keep you safe.”

She looks up at him with her blue eyes. “Even if it means to break protocol?” “Especially if it means to break protocol”, he answers her firmly, exactly knowing what she means. Spencer knows that her little family means the world and more to her. If anything happens to them she would never be the same.

Meanwhile JJ sits there contemplating putting her job on the line for an eventually that maybe isn’t even true, Will runs around the house frantically.

“Maybe I can go and get some? I’m sure we can’t disturb mom at work”, (Y/N) suggests as she tries to console the crying Henry in her arms. Her stepdad considers the offer. They originally wanted to go to the park to have a small picnic and maybe even invite JJ to meet them there on her lunch break. But Henry caught something overnight and the only thing he does is crying and puking.

Will is looking for any kind of medicine, but he can’t find anything appropriate for children. “I guess you are right. Do you know which one we need? I’ll try to get him to sleep or calm down at least. Thank you so much, (Y/N), you are a lifesaver.”

“Of course, I do anything. When I get lost or something at the pharmacy I can still call you, right?” He nods while taking his son out of her arms in order for her to be able to put on her shoes. “Good, then see you soon. I’ll hurry up.”

(Y/N) takes her bike and decides to use the shortcut through the park. It’s a nice sunny day with a warm soft breeze going through the bushes. In moments like these the teenager knows that the world is alright. That somehow everything will be good. Always.

Buying the needed medicine for her baby brother takes place without any complications and soon she is back on track with her bike. Shortly before reaching her house, the teenager’s phone is ringing.

In case that Will needs something else (Y/N) has turned her ringtone on. Surprisingly it’s her mother, she sees after descending her bike and looks at the caller ID.

“Hey Mom, is everything ok? Did something happen?” As sad as this may sound, but in 90% it’s the case that she was hurt on her job or anybody else when she calls (Y/N) during her workday.

But JJ is relieved to hear her daughter safe and sound. “(Y/N), honey. Everything is fine. Did you go to the park with Henry and Will?” Slowly the girl continues her way back, pushing her bike. “No, we didn’t. Henry got sick overnight, so there is no way we could have taken him. I think it’s just a stomach bug. Will and I couldn’t find any medicine for him, so I did a quick run to the pharmacy. I’m actually on my way back right now. Why are you calling?”

Once again the mother tries to not answer her question. “Aw, poor Henry. Can you tell him that Mommy will be home soo- Wait, to which pharmacy did you go?”

Puzzled by her mother’s sudden harsh tone (Y/N) stops in her tracks. “Mom, what’s the problem? You never call me during work except when something happens. Is anybody in the hospital? Did you get kidnapped? Is this your last call to a loved one? Mom, answer me!” Panic sets in as the silence grows from JJ’s side.

“Honey, please tell me you didn’t go to the one on West Street. Please.” Her begging tone alarms the teenager further. Is this a clue?

“I did, Mom. I took my bike, went through the park to West Street. It’s the closest one and Henry really doesn’t feel good, so I had to hurry up. Can you please tell me what’s going on?!” But her mother stays quiet for several moments, as if she is calculating something.

Being finally fed up with her, (Y/N) speaks again: “If you don’t want to tell me anything, don’t bother call-” She is suddenly cut off by a huge coughing fit.

“(Y/N)? Honey, are you ok?” The agent’s mind goes into momma bear mode, completely ignoring any protocol in the world. But her daughter isn’t able to answer. Too stunned is she by the fact that she just coughed up blood. How is that poss-

“(Y/N), please answer me”, she begs again. “M-mom, I just c-coughed blood.” JJ feels like her heart stops. This can’t be happening.

“Stay calm, (Y/N). I- There- I’ll send people to you. They will come and get you. They will explain to you what this is, they know more about it than I do. I’ll call Will and tell him that you are not coming home. Penelope will ping your phone, just don’t move.”

After a few more reassuring words JJ hangs up and bolts into Hotch’s office. “Hotch, (Y/N) got infected, she rode her bike through the park and back to get medicine for Henry and I told her to stay where she is. That somebody is going to get he-”

Aaron stops her rambling by putting both hands on her shoulder. “I’ll let Doctor Kimura know. Meet them at the hospital.” “Bu-” Again he cuts the blonde off. “No buts. You always say that you are a mother first. Your family, especially your daughter, needs you now more than ever. Go and be a mother.”

Encouraged by her boss’ words she makes her way to her car, simultaneously calling Will to let him know what’s happening.

Shortly after this the small family sits in a hospital room. (Y/N) lays passed out on the bed, paler than anybody has her ever seen. JJ grasps her hand, mentally kicking herself for not calling sooner. For letting regulations destroy her family. Will holds Henry, who finally is asleep, in his arms and tries to console his girlfriend.

“You weren’t allowed to say anything. Also, I wanted to go to another park if Henry wasn’t sick. There was absolutely nothing you could have done differently.” His accent is thicker than ever.

Before she is able to respond, a nurse enters the room with an inhaler in hand. “What is this?” Ever since (Y/N) was admitted to the hospital, the mother is careful to know what they give her and what not.

“This is a cure for this strand, Doktor Reid found it in Nichol’s office. We already tested it and it’s 100% effective.” More or less convinced JJ let’s the nurse do her job, watching her every move like a hawk.

And then they wait again. And wait. And wait for the cure to kick in. For (Y/N) to open her eyes. To be able to form a sentence. A coherent sentence without being interrupted by a coughing fit.

Once JJ leaves her bed reluctantly, Will forces her to take a walk and get a coffee from the cafeteria. On her way back she visits Spencer’s room, who is already awake.

“Hey Spence”, she smiles softly at him. He stops shoving a cup of Jell-O into his mouth to smile back. “Hi. How is (Y/N) doing?” A frown quickly spreads onto her face. “Still not awake. But the doctors say she will be fine. I wanted to thank you. If you wouldn’t have put your life on the line, none of the others would be alive. Thank you, for saving my daughter”, at the end the blonde’s voice breaks. She can’t imagine a life without her oldest child. Without anyone of her family.

“Hey, it’s alright. (Y/N) is fine. I’m fine. Everybody got their own happy end. Now go back to her, I’m sure she’ll wake up in no time.” She nods and gives him a hug before going back to (Y/N)’s room. There she sits back in her seat, handing her boyfriend his own cup of coffee.

A few minutes later a small groan is heard. “Can anybody turn off the sun? It’s unbelievably bright today.” Not registering what’s really happening, the teenager finds herself in a big family hug with Henry on her chest. “Woah, did I fall asleep during our picnic or something?”

JJ smiles through her tears of relief, seeing her daughter being her confused self again. “No, I’ll explain it to you later. Get some more rest, we’ll stay with you.” “Rest, this sounds nice.” Just a few minutes later (Y/N) is asleep again.

Luckily both she and Spencer make a quick recovery and even get a “Welcome Back to the Living” Party (organized by the one and only Penelope Garcia). From this moment on JJ makes sure to warn her family one way or another. Hotch generously lets it slip, acting like he doesn’t know about it after this close of a call.

In the end the only thing that matters is that they all are back to being healthy and make up for the missed picnic.

Taglist:

All works:

@dindjarinsspouse

Criminal Minds:

@averyhotchner @mggsprettygirl @herecomesthewriterwitch

[ironmariposa]

L Word

Also found on Ao3

Every Thursday night at Anne’s house was movie night. Heather, Lily and Anne would make popcorn on the stove, stock up on m&m’s, gummy worms and apple slices (“we have to have something healthy,” Anne insists). Most of the time they let Lily choose the movie but on occasion Heather was able to choose.

It was how Heather always imagined a family would be and she never missed movie night. No matter how much studying needed to be done, no matter if that paper that was due the next morning at 8am still hadn’t been written, no matter how much Ray begged her to stay just one more hour with him in his bed.

She did not miss movie night.

That last one was getting harder and harder to resist. Curling up with Ray in bed was one of her current favorite activities. You wouldn’t know it from looking at him but Ray was a champion cuddler.

So, she did the next best thing. She invited him to movie night.

Ray laughed, “Right, Nill. As if Anne would allow me to trespass on her property.”

Heather tilted her head at that. As far as she knew Anne had never said such a thing. She knew Heather was dating Ray Hall. She knew who Ray Hall was. But Anne, unlike the rest of this town, didn't judge people so harshly. In fact, Anne usually gave people the benefit of the doubt. Like, her & Lily’s mom, Sherri. Anne encouraged Sherri to come over for nightly dinners as often as possible and invited her to movie nights. So far Sherri hadn’t found the time in her ‘busy schedule’ to attend. But she did come for dinner at least once a week. It was … something.

Instead of arguing with him she shoots Anne a text who immediately responds with “I’ve been waiting for you to bring him around. Tell him he can bring the candy and that he will be harshly judged on what he chooses.”

Ray's only response was a “Huh.” when she showed him the message.

But she laughs two nights later when it’s an hour before movie night and Ray calls her.

“Seriously, Nill, what the fuck do I buy?”

Heather laughs, “You saw what the boss said.”

“Heather.” she’s not sure she’s heard him sound so desperate before. “I’m standing in the candy aisle and there’s so many fucking choices. What the fuck are you looking at?” He shouts at someone in the store.

Heather just laughs at the mental image of Ray Hall standing in the middle of the candy aisle, “Ray, don’t hurt the clerk.”

“He keeps fucking asking if I need help. I do, but from you not him.”

“Baby, it’s no big deal, just grab a few bags of candy and get over here.”

“Heather.” He growls into the phone.

She smiles as she hangs up on him. Who knew he would take this so seriously. Who knew she would be having a family movie night with Ray Hall.

Her phone rings again and she answers without checking the ID, “Ray, it’s just movie night. Lily will eat anything as long as it has sugar.”

“Movie night with Ray huh?” A female voice says, “So that’s still happening?”

“Nat.” Heather’s happy to hear her friend's voice, “How are you? How’s Cali?”

“I’m good. It’s good.”

“Any auditions?” Heather sits on her bed and pulls a leg up, “What about the callback for that CW show, how did that go?”

Nat laughs, “So we’re just going to ignore the topic of you and Ray hooking up then? That’s fine. I like talking about myself.”

“Not ignoring.”

Nat hums into the phone, “So you two are still hooking up then?”

Heather hesitates. It’s not that she’s embarrassed about dating Ray, it’s just that her friends don’t understand. Can’t understand. Heather falls face first into her pillow with a grown and Nat laughs.

Turning over onto her back, Heather settles into her bed, “Yes, we’re still hooking up. He’s like really, really good at what he does.”

“Oh God, I do not want to hear about Ray Halls bedroom moves.”

Heather is the one laughing now, “Nope, you asked. So there’s this thing he does with his …”

“LA LA LA I’M NOT LISTENING!!”

Heather laughs harder at her friend and they continue to tease each other back and forth before they settle down.

“Look, I don’t get it. At all. But I trust that he must be doing something right … ish, if you’re still with him. Just please, promise me you’re being careful. Last thing we need in this world is little Ray Jr’s running around.

“Very.” Heather reassures her, “I do not want to end up like my mother.”

Nat goes quiet at that and Heather knows her friend takes that confession a little too seriously, “Heather, no matter what, I don’t believe you would ever be like her. Just look at Lily.”

Heather presses her lips together. A number of texts come through on her phone and when she looks she sees Ray is on his way.

“I have to go Nat, family movie night is about to start. But it was good talking to you. I want to hear about your auditions.”

“I’ll call you tomorrow sweet cheeks. Love ya.”

“Love you more.”

Heather opens the door and laughs. Ray is standing there with a shit eating grin on his face and a bag full of candy in each hand. And when she says full, she means overflowing, “Did you buy one of everything?” She asks as she steps back to let him in.

“Well, I didn’t get anything with raisins.” He winks at her as he passes, “I know your hate for them.”

And that actually makes her melt. The fact that he remembered such a small detail she had made in passing says so much about him. Nat may think she’s completely mad but she doesn’t see what Heather sees nearly every moment she’s with Ray.

Heather smacks a kiss on his cheek and squeezes his bicep, “I promise to never reveal your soft side to the world, Ray Hall.”

“Damn straight, you won’t.” But the grin he flashes at her is anything but a warning. It melts her insides completely and she wonders not for the first time, how she could have known him her entire life and yet not have known him at all.

And she wonders for the first time if she was falling in love with him.

That thought sends her spiraling and his smile falters as he notices her frown. Thankfully, Anne and Lily choose that exact moment to interrupt them. There’s chaos as Heather introduces everyone and they start to make their popcorn

“On the stove?” Ray questions.

“Trust me, Hall.” Heather teases, her early realization pushed into the back of her mind for later observation, “Once you have this, you’ll never want microwave again.”

“It’s the best!” Lily agrees then has Ray help her finish making it and it’s sweet the way he talks to her and Heather completely ignores her heart fluttering.

They get their popcorn and candy (Ray passes the candy test with flying colors) and settle in the living room. Lily puts herself between Heather and Ray on the couch, with Anne in the recliner and they turn on the movie. Some new Pixar movie that was just released on Disney + that Lily has been talking about for days.

“Well?” Heather asks as Ray takes his first taste of the popcorn.

He winks at her over Lily’s head, “It’s okay.”

Lily gasps, “Just okay?! It’s the best popcorn in the world!”

“The world, huh?” He teases her and they go back and forth like that until the actual movie starts. Heather is smiling at Ray when he finally turns back to her, his blue eyes dancing and she feels herself actually wanting to say the L word and she knows. She knows she’s not falling in love with him because she’s already there.

She loves Ray Hall.

And as he watches the movie with her family, teasing her sister about the popcorn, stealing her candy, and being respectful to Anne, she knows he loves her too.

[anxiousstark]

S2 10 | Fury

BIG MASTERLIST | TW REWRITE

Stiles Stilinski x Reader! Half-sibling!Mccall

Word count: 2848

Warnings: Mentions of guns, degrading names, injuries, blood, murder, swearing (always).

↪ PLEASE RESPECT MY WORK. DON’T COPY, TRANSLATE OR CLAIM THEM AS YOURS. NOT ON THIS WEBSITE OR ANOTHER. ALL RIGHTS ARE RESERVED.

"So this kid's the real killer?" Noah Stilisnki asked, his eyes moving from Scott and Stiles to me. We were in Stiles's bedroom, showing him a picture of Matt. We needed to end this, but Noah didn't seem convinced by what we were trying to explain.

"Yeah." Stiles rolled his eyes.

"No."

"Yes!"

"No."

"Dad, come on." He got up from his chair, standing in front of the man who had raised him. "Everybody knows that the police look for ways to connect victims in a murder, okay? So all he had to do is, like, look through their transcripts and figure out which class they all had in common."

"Yeah, except for the fact that the rave promoter Kara wasn't in Harris's class."

"All right, okay, you're right, sorry. Then I guess they dropped the charges against him?"

"No, you know what? They're not dropping the charges. But that doesn't prove anything." Stiles groaned, throwing his hands up.

"Scott, do you believe this?"

"It's really hard to explain how we know this, but you just gotta trust us. We know it's Matt." His calming voice reassured the Sheriff, but still, he seemed to have doubts. He glanced at me, and I nodded my head.

"Yeah, he took Harris's car, okay? Look, he knew that if a cop found tire tracks at one of the murders, and that if enough of the victims were in Harris's class, that they'd arrest him."

"All right, fine. I'll allow the remote possibility, but give me a motive." We looked at each other, sighing in relief. "I mean, why would this kid want most of the 2006 swim team and its coach dead?"

"Isn't it obvious?" We still didn't know why Matt was doing this, so no. "Our swim team sucks! They haven't won in, like, six years." He shouted before his voice lowered. "Okay, we don't have a motive yet. I mean, come on, does Harris?" Before Noah could answer back his son, I hit Stiles's arm. "Ouch, what was that for?" He rubbed the placed where I had hit him while glancing at me.

"I'm in the swim team, asshole." I pouted, but then I quickly connected another dot. "That's why he attacked me." Both boys looked at me confused, still trying to understand. "That could be another reason, guys. I'm in the swim team." However, there were other people in the swim team, so why didn't he attack them?

"Attacked you?" Mr. Stilisnki directed at me. He seemed mad. "Okay, what do you want me to do?"

We smiled, sighing in content. "We need to look at the evidence," Scott's voice sounded confident.

"Yeah, that would be in the station, where I no longer work."

"Trust me. They'll let you in."

Sheriff Stilisnki was perplexed due to his son's words. "Trust you?" His fingers pointed at him.

"T-trust Scott?" Sheriff still wasn't convinced. "Trust...Y/N?"

"Y/N I trust." I grinned, feeling better than the other two boys, which made both of them push me a little. Tsk, is that jealousy I smell?

"It's 2:00 in the morning." The Deputy behind the counter gave us a judging look. Sheriff Stilisnki took the three of us to the station in hopes of finding more information, which seemed complicated as he no longer worked there.

"Believe me, I wouldn't be here if it wasn't extremely important."

"We look at the hospital stuff first, okay?" The hazel-eyed boy whispered to Scott and me. "Because all the murders were committed by Jackson, except for one, you remember?" We nodded. The pregnant girl, Jessica.

"Yeah. Since Matt had to kill her himself, somebody from the hospital could've seen him."

The Deputy made a gesture with her head. "Thank you. Boys. Y/N." We entered the office, watching the recording from the cameras of the hospital. "I don't know, guys. I mean, look at this. There was a six-car pileup that night, the hospital was jammed."

"All right, just keep going. Look, he had to have passed one of the cameras on that floor to get to Jessica, okay? He's gotta be on the footage somewhere."

"Oh, hold on, stop! Did you see that? Scroll back." I hurriedly pointed to the camera.

"That's him! That's Matt!"

"All I see is the back of someone's head." Mr. Stilisnki glanced at us over his shoulder.

"Matt's head, yeah. I sit behind him in history. He's got a very distinct cranium, it's weird." A disgusting expression decorated his face. But it couldn't surpass Noah's face, realizing how weird his son was. "All right, fine, then look at his jacket, huh? How many people do you know who wear black leather jackets?"

"Millions, literally."

"Okay, can we scroll forward? There's gotta be a shot of him coming at one of the cameras."

"Right there! Stop, stop! See, there he is again."

"You mean there's the back of his head again."

"Okay, but look. He's talking to someone."

"He's talking to my mom." He took his phone out, calling Melissa who was working. After sending her a picture of Matt, she affirmed recognizing him. She had stopped him because he was tracking mud in the hall.

Noah rapidly grabbed some files. "We've got shoe prints alongside the tire tracks at the trailer site."

"And if they match, that puts Matt at the scene of three murders. The trailer, the hospital, and the rave." Stiles added.

"Actually, four. A credit card receipt for an oil change was signed by Matt at the garage where the mechanic was killed."

"When?"

"A couple hours before you got there."

"All right, dad, if one's an incident, two's a coincidence, and three's a pattern, what's four?"

"Four's enough for a warrant." We sighed in relief. "Scott, call your mom back, see how quick she can get here. If I can get an official ID, I can get a search warrant. Y/N, go to the front desk. Tell them to let Scott's mom in when she gets here."

"On it!" I quickly hurried. When I arrived at the front desk, there was nobody. "Hello?" I glance down. The Deputy was lying on the floor, wide eyes, blood covering all of her chest. Then, I noticed that her gun was missing. I heard a click, turning around. Matt was there, the gun pointing to the space between my eyes.

He turned my body around, now pointing the gun to the back of my head. "Walk." We both started walking towards Noah's office.

Stiles was the first one to notice me, his eyes shaking. He was going to take a step forward when his father stopped him. "Matt?" Noah showed him his empty unarmed hands. "It's Matt, right? Matt, whatever's going on, I guarantee you there's a solution that doesn't involve a gun."

"You know, it's funny you say that because I don't think you're aware of just how right you are." The barrel of the gun was pressed tighter against my head as he talked.

"I know you don't wanna hurt people."

"Actually, I wanna hurt a lot of people. You three weren't on my list," The gun he was holding hit the back of my scalp, making me hiss. "She was, Y/N McCall. If it wasn't for her, everything would have gone perfectly. But she HAD to be there, at the video store, fucking everything up." He sighed, pushing me forward. Stiles grabbed me, checking my face quickly, touching the back of my head to make sure that I didn't have any wound. "But I could be persuaded. And one way is to try dialling somebody on your cell phone like McCall is doing. T-that could definitely get someone hurt. Everyone. Now!"

Matt made Stiles handcuff his father, then he took us with him. On the corridor, three officers were on the ground, lifeless. "What, are you gonna kill everyone in here?" Scott asked.

"No, that's what Jackson's for. I just think about killing them, and he does it." He smirked.

Now, we were destroying all the files that conducted to him being a murderer. "Deleted. And we're done. All right, so, Matt, since all the people you brutally murdered deserved it because they killed you first, whatever that means, I think we're good here, right? So I'll just get my dad, and we'll go, you know? You continue on the whole vengeance thing. Enjoy the Kanima."

We saw a light, followed by the sound of a car. "Sounds like your mom's here, McCall."

"Matt, don't do this. When she comes to the door, I'll just tell her to leave. I'll tell her we didn't find anything. Please, Matt."

"If you don't move now. I'm gonna kill Stiles first, and then your mom. And then," He smirked. "I'm going to kill her. Because thanks to Y/N the Kanima isn't as strong as it could be. That night, if Jackson would have been the only one getting scratched, all of this wouldn't have happened. You guys would probably be dead." His rage was directed towards me. "But this bitch had to go inside the video store, and fuck everything up."

"And I will fuck everything up again if you touch anyo-" Stiles gripped my arm, begging me to calm down.

To our surprise, it wasn't Melissa. It was Derek. But he was paralyzed as soon as he came inside, falling to the floor, and letting us see Jackson behind him. "This is the one controlling him? This kid?" I tried not to chuckle.

"Well, Derek, not everyone's lucky enough to be a big, bad werewolf. Oh, yeah, that's right. I've learned a few things lately. Werewolves, hunters, kanimas. It's like a fucking Halloween party every full moon. Except for you, Stiles. What do you turn into?"

"Abominable snowman," I whispered his name, trying to let him know that it wasn't the time to be sarcastic. "But, uh, it's more of, like, a wintertime thing, you know, seasonal."

Matt didn't like Stiles's comment. Jackson scratched his neck, paralyzing him. His body fell on top of Derek. "You bitch."

"Get him off of me."

"Oh, I don't know, Derek. I think you two make a pretty good pair. It must kinda suck, though, to have all that power taken away from you with just a little cut to the back of the neck. I bet you're not used to feeling this helpless."

"Still got some teeth. Why don't you get down here a little closer, huh? We'll see how helpless I am."

Again, we heard a car. This time, it was Melissa. Scott went out with Matt, the next thing we knew, we heard a gunshot. I stayed on the floor, next to Stiles and Derek. Jackson's eyes fixed on me, smirking. I wanted to hit him. I wanted to end all of this.

A couple of minutes later, Matt came back to the room. My eyes focused on Scott, seeing the blood on his shirt. I walked up to him, examining his face for any type of signal that would let me know that he was healing. He just side-hugged me, keeping me away from his injury. "Is Melissa okay?" I whispered.

He nodded, glaring at Matt. "The evidence is gone. Why don't you just go?"

"Y-you think the evidence mattered that much, huh? No, no, I-I want the book." We both were confused. Matt groaned, getting madder. "The bestiary. Not just a few pages, I want the entire thing."

"I don't have it. It's Gerard's. What do you want it for, anyway?"

"I need answers." He used the back of his mouth to clean the visible sweat around his mouth.

"Answers to what?"

"To this." He lifted his shirt. His right side was the same colour as the Kanima, scales all over it, and it seemed to palpitate. It looked like that thing had its own life. "I'm tired of this," He grabbed Scott's shirt roughly. "Come with me. Jackson, keep an eye on those two," His glare went to me. "And her."

I sat down again, next to both boys while Jackson kept guard of the room so nobody would go inside or outside.

"Hey. You know what's happening to Matt?" Stiles whispered.

"I know the book's not gonna help him. You can't just break the rules, not like this."

"What do you mean?" I asked, keeping my eyes on Jackson.

"Universe balances things out. Always does." He panted. "He is using Jackson to kill people, and killing people himself." I stared at Derek, waiting for him to continue. "Balance."

"Wait," Stiles intervened. "So he becomes the Kanima? Derek nodded. We needed to stop him. We needed to tell him. I glance around the room, seeing my backpack on the floor. "Oh no," I heard Stilinski muttering. "What are you thinking of, McCall?" He tried to move his head to glance at me. "Don't do anything stupid, please. You are the one who told me that when I confronted Peter Hale."

"Did you listen to me, Stiles?" I asked in a hushed voice, crawling to my bag, rummaging through it until I grabbed the object that I was searching for. Pepper spray.

He groaned. "No, I didn't." I slowly got up from the ground, without making any sound. "You aren't going to listen, right?"

"Hey, Jackson," His head snapped to me, eyes shining. "Beautiful eyes." I rapidly used pepper spray. Jackson groaned, kneeling on the ground, and aggressively rubbing his eyes. I threw the spray back to the boys. "He will come to get me. I need to help Scott. Use the spray if you need it!" And even though Derek Hale told me not to do anything absurd, I continued running.

However, the power in the entire station turned off. "Fuck," I muttered. The sound of guns being shot scared the shit out of me, but I had to find Scott. I crawled on the floor, hands covering my head as the windows were being broken by the bullets. Then, when the shots seemed to stop, I got up and ran.

"Shit," My heart almost came out of my chest when I saw Allison. I felt fear because something bad could happen to her, then I felt relieved because we were worried about her as we hadn't seen her at the end of the party. And again, I felt terrified when I saw her face. A numb expression decorating her features while she had a hard grip on her crossbow. "What are you doing here?"

"Where's Derek? She avoided my question, answering with her own. "Where's Derek?!" Her eyes were teary.

"An answer for an answer," I replied. "What the heck are you doing here? You need to get the hell out of here." I looked around, deciding to whisper. "Allison, this is dangerous."

"I'm going to kill Derek Hale because he killed my mom." She spat. "And I will kill anyone who gets on my way."

"Bitch," I mumbled. "Derek Hale saved our asses a million times. Yeah, he probably isn't the best at communication, but when I say our asses, I also mean yours." I scowled. "Your mom," I smirked. "A huge bitch she is. Well, she was." Allison threw a punch at me, but I surprisingly dodged it, something you would only expect in films or books. "She deserves all that she got. She went to the hospital to get information from Mellisa." She glanced at the ground while I continued. "She deserved all that she got. Do you know why? Because she tried to kill Scott." She was in denial, but she knew because her family was deranged. "She tried to kill your boyfriend, Allison. She tried to kill my brother." I firmly stated.

"Shut up!" Next thing I knew, there was an arrow piercing my stomach. The arrow was exactly in the middle. I stared at it, and the blood coming out, although no words were coming out of my mouth as I stared at her. "Oh my, I-I didn't mean to-" I fell to the ground, thankfully on my back so the arrow wouldn't get more stuck in my abdomen. Allison was also interrupted when the Kanima appeared, paralyzing her. Then, it was Matt's turn to make an appearance.

"You should've given me a chance. Because remember how I said I'm not the kind of guy who would say something like: 'well if I can't have her, no one can.' It's not totally true because, Allison, if I can't have you, no one can!" He screamed. "Thank you for finding this slut," He kneeled next to me, brushing my hair. "Pepper spray, uh?"

"If I could," I gasped for air. "I would fucking k-kill you right now."

"Yeah," He laughed hysterically. "But I think you are dying first. Should we show momma McCall, Scott, and Stiles how stunningly beautiful you look as the blood leaves your body?" This dude was sick, utterly sick. "Yeah, let's show them." The hand that was caressing my hair clutched it forcefully, dragging me by my hair through all the rooms in the station. I lost consciousness.

.

.

TAGLIST: @og-baby-ob14 - @savemypostcards - @cas-loves-pizza - @used-avocado - @mvrylee - @bilesxbilinskixlahey - @honeydoll-stark - @arieltheworldisamess - @softpeteparker - @kit-kat-katie99 - @thatsuperherosidekick - @bexbetterxthanxwords - @big-galaxy-chaos - @littlemiss-forgotten - @enchantedcruelsummer - @coldfreakeggsexpert - @merla123 - @sammypotato67 - @weirdowithnobeardo - @maggiesblogsblog - @itskindyl - @bobo-bush - @moongoddesskiana - @multifandxm353 - @irwxnhugsx - @xoprincessmel - @iclosetgeek - @andreagf956 - @niawoods - @anerroroccurrrrred - @perrytheplatypus11 - @trustfundparker - @nmriia - @steve-harringtonnn - @trustfundparker - @brithedemonspawn - @weirdowithnobeardo - @my-soul-is-the-moon - @azayamari - @poguestyle17​ - @bibliophilewednesday​ -

People in bold means it doesn’t let me tag them.

[ssa-daddyhotchner]

Undercover - Chapter 4

Chapter Selection

The next day

I touched on the Reid subject yesterday but I didn't want him to worry so I decided to drop it. I brought It back up and Hotch called Reid. 

"Hello." 

"Can you come down the office for a few there's some paperwork I need you to lookover." 

Hotch doesn't mention me but I sit in on the call. "Yeah I'll be there in 10", Reid hangs up. 

"Haven't you noticed", Aaron focuses on the road. "Noticed what?", I keep my eyes on him. 

"Okay so a few days ago I saw Reid in the elevator and I assume I've been at the BAU long enough so he's not awkward with me." He hummed in agreement. 

"And he was avoiding eye contact, he was shuffling towards the door like he was trying to get away from me." I take a breath then continue. 

"I've been noticing on cases he's not talking as much, he's avoiding just everyone in general." 

We pull into the garage an make our way upstairs. I walk into the building first Aaron coming in a few minutes later.

Reid walks into Hotchs office, then he calls me in after. "Take a seat." He gestures to Reid, "We need to talk." His brows furrow and he pouts. "About?" I watch his body language and listen to his speech. 

There's a single bead of sweat going down his forehead. His hands are trembling in his pockets; he's shuddering more than he usually does. Is he withdrawing?

I step in, "Hotch I think I know what's happening." He looks behind Reid and at me. I walk to the desk leaning on hit crossing my arms. 

"So... how long has it been." Reid slowly turns up at me and Hotch. 

He lets out a sigh, "3 days." Hotch watches him closely. "You're back on dilaudid? since when?", Reid stands up, "2 months." 

A small gasp leaves Hotchs lip, and I stand in a bit of a shock. Nobody realized, 2 months he'd been high off his ass on cases and we didn't know. 

"Why?", I asked; It hurt that he couldn't have told us he was hurting enough to relapse. 

"My mom's been getting worse, the meds aren't helping as much as they were. I wanna visit her but there's been so much going on here that I didn't wanna leave." 

Hotchs face softens, "You can take some personal time you know that right. I don't wanna see you in the office for the next 2 weeks. Go visit your mom." 

I walk out of his office going to my desk. JJ walks up to me, "What are they talking about." She nods to the window. Morgan and Emily approach.

"Reid's... back on diluadid." I say in a hushed tone to not attract attention; gasps leave all of them. "I had know idea", Emily said. 

"Emily none of us knew, I'm the one that told Hotch something was wrong." Morgan smirked, "you told Hotch huh." 

I gave him a glare, Hotch closed the blinds and called me in; Morgan winked at me. 

I shut the door and walked up to him. "What's the plan"

"He told me he was gonna go to some meetings try to stop but....I don't know if that's going to work."

"So he's gonna go to rehab?", he nodded. I let out a sigh and sat on the his desk. "I'm not the closest with Reid but I want him to be ok." 

I said and Aaron came up to me. "Reid gonna be fine", he reassured. 

"Hey I wanna ask you something", I hummed. "How would you feel if you met Jack." My eyes widened and I smiled, "Of course.. when." 

"Maybe in a week it depends on when Hayley will let me see him." 

"What if he doesn't like me." Hotch put his hands on my waist and pecked my lips, "He'll love you don't worry." 

__________________________________

I was at Aarons sleeping and was woken up by the sound of his phone. I reach over without checking the ID. 

"Hotchners phone," the other side of the line was quiet. "Hello?", the other person finally speaks up. "Hello is Hotch there?" 

The person on the phone was JJ. My eyes went wide and I go to wake up Aaron. 

He opens his eyes, "What is it baby." I muted the phone, "It's JJ she doesn't know it's me but here." Handing him he phone he unmutes the call. 

"What is it." I can hear JJ say there was a case so I go into the shower. I feel hands snake around my waist and kisses being placed on my jaw. I turn around and peck his lips. 

The water going in his hair and down his back. He tosses his head back and I wash his hair massaging his scalp. 

He washes it out and does the same to me. He takes the body wash and runs it over my skin. 

The movements are slow as he washes around my legs and back. I moan softly and he stops.

Leaning to my ear whispering, "Only if we had time."

"We can make time." I go to kiss him but he pulls back. "There's fun in waiting." 

We step out the shower getting changed for work at 4am. 

Finishing the shower. I try to be comfortable wearing a turtleneck and black pants. Aaron was about to put on his tie but I interrupt him, "Let me." He watches me carefully want to know what I was up too.

I just wanted to tease the hell out of him for fun. He wants to wait fine. I'll just make him wait till he's begging for it. I thought to myself. 

Getting into the car and driving; his hand on my thigh the whole time tracing patterns. We go in holding hands until we get to the bullpen then we pull away. 

The team looks tired, irritated and sluggish. "Let's go over the case." Hotch says walking up the ramp to the round table. 

Garcia walk in, "Okay my lovely's you are going to Seattle, there has been 5 murders in the area all married mothers with a single child. Each victim was found with multiple stab wounds in the abdomen. Each in different parks"

"The mothers could represent their own, taking out there anger building confidence till he can take out the original source", Morgan States

Emily looks at the crime scene photos, "The victims were cleaned up, there hands by their side and hair combed. Maybe the unsub knows the them." 

Hotch takes a looks and flips the page. "The unsub could be punishing the mothers for being terrible to their children." 

I put my hand on Aarons thigh has he's talking. His breathing hitches but continues.

"So he sees himself as a protector." I say and everyone nods. "Wheels up in thirty." 

________________

They team file out of the room and I stay behind holding Hotch by his thigh. He looks down and a small smile spreads on his face. 

I meet his eyes as I slowly bring my hand to palm him through his pants; rubbing him till he was hard.

A small groan erupts from him when he grabs my hand pulling it away. 

"Not here", he whispers into my ear then nibbling on my ear lobe.

I close my eyes when it goes cold; he'd left the room leaving me to imagine what would've happened.

I get my go bag and I go to the jet being the first one there. Aaron steps on taking my hand and dragging me to the bathroom. 

He pins me against the wall and his hand makes it way to my throat. A soft moan leaves my lips.

He uses his leg to separate mine and puts his knee in between.

"Little girl, do you really wanna play that game with me?" I nod and he kisses me dragging his hand and ghosting it over my core. 

I try and lean forward; grind on his palm but he pulls away shutting the door behind him.

When I gather myself and walk out the bathroom. I'm met with Rossi sitting next to Aaron with a smirk. 

"How are you guys", Rossi says; me and Aaron glace at each other both saying fine in unison. 

The rest of the team files on and takes there seats. I sit across from Aaron my leg running up and down his. Morgan surrounded by JJ and Emily. 

Reid took the personal days to see his mom. 

The majority of the team taking a nap. Rossi had gotten up to move to a single space so I took his seat, staring at Aaron.

I looked around and realized no one could see us. I leaned my head on his shoulder; he kissed the top of my head and I took a quiet nap.

Woken from Aaron shaking my shoulder to go over the case before we land. Garcia appears on screen.

"Ok let's go over the case", Hotch says in a stern tone. JJ speaks up, "Stabbing is consistent with those that are imponent. He could be using the stabbing as an outlet for sexual release." 

"What if he's not though", I say in an unsure voice and they all look at me to continue. 

"Now yes it is unlikely for the unsub to be a women but what if there was no sexual assault because they had no need too. 

I mean yeah they could use the stabbing for release but if they were a women they just wouldn't have the need for it." 

Hotch nods, "Let's not rule anything out and keep that thought in mind." I grin to myself knowing I got I wasn't completely wrong. 

Morgan starts speaking, "Baby girl were the victims married?" I can hear her typing. 

"Technically yes but the fathers were all absent. It was just the mothers and the kids." 

"How are the kids", Emily asked Garcia, "Some of them have a pretty long hospital records, I see broken wrists, arms, and some ribs. Honestly guys I think they were getting abused." 

"So lets say they were abused the unsub could've been a doctor or nurse at the hospitals.", Rossi states. 

"Rossi and Morgan go to the latest crime scene. JJ and Prentiss interview the closet family. Y/n and I will set up station", Rossi gives us wink. He defiantly knows.

Hotch pulled Rossi to end of the jet. 

"Do you mind if what you think you saw earlier, you keep it to yourself." 

Rossi smiles to Hotch, "How long." 

"2 months", He says happily and slightly embarrassed.

"I won't say a word." 

________________

When the plane lands I reached for my bag when I felt something behind me. Hotch had pressed himself to my ass it made me gasp a bit. "What the fuck?" 

He tried to have a serious face but I could tell that he had a grin. He knew what he was doing and he was defiantly gonna pay for it later. 

When Hotch and I got to the station it was 7pm most of the Officers had gone home; leaving only the sheriff and 3 other cops. The sheriff walked up to us holding out his hand.

"Hello this is SA Y/n Y/l and I'm SSA Aaron Hotchner." We shook the mans hand as he showed up to the board room. 

We pinned up pictures of the victims and the crime scene photos to try and get a feel; seeing it from a different point of view.

The room was closed off, blinds shut, and we had already set up; we were waiting for the rest of the team to come back so it was just Aaron and I.

I was looking over the photos when I wanted to tease Aaron a bit more. I bent over the table just enough so he could get a perfect view of me. I heard footsteps behind me and hands grab my hips.

"Little girl you're just begging me to fuck you right here aren't you." I suppressed my moan but he noticed. "Yeah you are aren't you." I nodded. 

"Come on baby we've been over this use your words." His voice was coated in lust and it was low. 

I bet if he really was able to he'd fuck me here and now. I finally spoke up.

"God... yes please." He wrapped his hand around my neck and brought my head to his mouth. 

"I don't think you deserve it at this point little girl." He pressed me back onto the table. 

My chest hitting the cold wood as his bulge pressed against me. Then he walked away sitting back down going back to drinking his coffee. 

That was when the team walked in. They didn't see or hear anything thank god but it still worried me; what would've happened if they caught us. 

They carried on with casual conversation; Aaron talking to them like he didn't just slam me on to the table a minute ago.

It was now 11:30; there was no leads on the case so far other than the possibility that the unsub could've been a women; that the mothers may have been abusing their kids. 

So the unsub see themselves as a protector/ savior to the children. We were currently trying to put together other theories but half of us were asleep. Morgan was knocked out in the chair.

JJ and Emily were laying down together on the couch. Hotch was drinking his coffee with me next to him. Rossi had left for the hotel an hour ago. 

Hotch took the last sip and woke everyone up, "Okay we've done all we can let's go; we can continue in the morning." The team had left before us and they were so sleepy; not paying attention.

My finger intertwined with Aarons as we walked out not wanting to attract too much attention. 

Once we got to the hotel everyone got a separate rooms. Me and Aaron got conjoined rooms but I was sleeping in his. 

I was wearing a white crop top and a pair of Aarons grey sweat pants; Aaron was wearing a white t-shirt and black pajama pants. 

I got situated and threw my stuff on the chair before heading to bed. 

I was swept up from behind and was thrown over Aarons shoulder when he slapped my ass hard and tossed me on the bed. 

His voice was dark and dominant, "I think we've played enough for today." 

He leaned in closer my lips grazing his; he whispered, "I'm going to fuck you so hard you won't be able to stand." 

Wetness grew between my legs and from that moment on I knew.

It was gonna be a long night.

_____________________

@mac99martin @donttellanyoneireadfanfiction @appleblossoms-posts @marie1115

[all-things-skam]

Title: Sander’s secret | TW: mention of mental illness

Ship: Wtfock | Robbe Ijzermans + Sander Driesen (Sobbe)

_______________

‘’Does your face hurt?’’ Robbe asked, caring as always. ‘’She slapped you pretty hard.’’ He cupped Sander's face and tilted it, checking his cheek to see a light red mark.

Coming to Robbe's school to surprise him and kissing him on the sidewalk knowing there was a risk of seeing Britt there wasn't smart. Sander really played with fire there. But, they're teenagers - and he missed Robbe

As they were walking to Robbe's place, the latter couldn't stop re-playing the scene in his head.

It was an unlucky coincidence that Britt came out of the school right when Sander and Robbe were kissing. A part of Robbe could understand that seeing them lip-locking had been painful - especially when the breakup wasn't your call -, but the slap - and calling Sander an asshole - was out of line.

Sander was pretty angry toward Britt. He claimed that he had told her multiple times, but Britt didn't seem to know that they were over. If she had, she wouldn't have told Robbe to stay away from her boyfriend. And that haunted Robbe's mind.

What if she thought it was one of their usual break up and not a serious one? Sander had said that they were having ups and downs.

Their cute instagram picture had made the rounds at school - thanks to Amber -, making it almost impossible that Britt didn't know about them. Plus, she was a friend of Amber.

The situation was messy. Robbe wanted to believe Sander, but he had lied to Robbe in the past which had fogged his trust.

‘’I’m fine. It’s nothing,’’ Sander replied, moving his face away.

His movement had been a bit too abrupt for Robbe’s taste, making the younger one frown. Robbe was trying to be patient and understanding with Sander, knowing that he was still on edge and it wouldn’t need a lot to tick him off.

‘’Okay…’’

The brunet cast his eyes down and stepped back, going over to the cabinet to find something to eat. He scanned the content of the pantry, picking the bag of chips Senne had open last night.

Guessing Sander’s mood was difficult, let alone trying to understand it. His emotions were often blown out of proportion or not appropriate for the situation. There was no need to scream at Britt like that nor call her a psycho. Yes, it was frustrating on Sander's end that she couldn't accept their breakup, but this extent of anger was a bit extreme according to Robbe.

In order to not upset him any more, Robbe sat at the kitchen table and quietly pulled out his textbooks, taking advantage of his flatmates’s absence to study here.

Sander's phone began to ring. The blond sighed and pulled it out of his pocket, groaning as he read the caller ID and immediately declining the call.

Was it Britt? Unlikely. Sander had been pretty harsh with her at school, there was no way she'd call any time soon.

Whoever it was, their name made Sander more upset, causing him to throw his phone on the kitchen counter. Lucky for him, the screen didn't shatter.

''Leave me alone! Fuck!''

Robbe jumped on his chair, startled by his boyfriend's loud voice. He fought his instincts to stay quiet and not intervene, worried it would make things worse. Sometimes, it’s best to ride out the anger.

The artist slammed his hand on the countertop and began to pace back and forth, his pacing getting faster and faster over time. His eyes were down and his eyebrows pulled, as if he was trying to resolve his frustrations.

Robbe tried to focus on his science textbook and study, but Sander's heavy breathing and pacing prevented him from concentrating. He stayed quiet, glancing sideways at Sander to see if he was okay. It was one thing to let him blow some steam and ride out his anger, but it was another to let him bathe in his emotions or even harm himself.

Once he had calmed down, Sander leaned against the counter and breathed out. ''Sorry. I just- I can't believe her. She controls my life even after we've broken up. What the fuck?!'' He raised his hands and clenched his jaw, the emotions still there.

Tentatively, Robbe looked up. ''Britt?'' he asked, trying to put the pieces together with the little knowledge he had and be there for Sander without being overbearing.

''She fucking called my dad and-'' Sander abruptly stopped himself before he said too much, but it was too late. He already opened Robbe's door of curiosity.

''Your dad?'' the brunet repeated, frowning. ''Why would she call your dad?''

Suddenly, Robbe fell into utter confusion. The situation was getting more and more confusing and the teenager was having difficulty seeing through this all. The more he knew, the less it made sense.

Why would Britt call Sander's dad after he broke up with her? It's not like Mr. Driesen could force his son take her back. That was absurd. He also couldn't find a good reason why Britt - a teenage girl - would have her boyfriend's dad's phone number. Something was missing.

‘’She thinks that I’m spiralling.’’

‘’What? Why would she think that?’’

‘’Because she can’t accept that we’re over, so she’s trying to find an excuse other than me not loving her anymore.’’ Sander scoffed, shaking his head. ‘’She thinks I’m doing this just to spite her or that it’s a joke, but that’s not true. I love you, Robbe. You have to believe me,’’ the blond said, almost begging him.

Robbe stood up from his chair and walked over to Sander, putting his hands on his shoulders, thumb grazing at the tanned skin of his neck, reassuring him.

‘’Why would she call your dad, though? I don’t get it,’’ Robbe asked. He didn’t want to intrude Sander’s personal life more than he was willing to let Robbe in or force him to say something he wasn't ready for, but Robbe thought smart to leave doors open, just in case.

Sander looked away, shrugging. ‘’I don’t know.’’

The younger one sighed.

Everytime a conversation would get personal, Sander would change subject or try distracting Robbe by kissing him. It was a pattern that made Robbe suspicious. Something was going on, something that Sander was hiding from Robbe, there was no doubt. And, knowing this, a part of Robbe couldn’t help but feel hurt that there was a part of himself that his boyfriend wasn’t comfortable sharing with him.

Shaking his head, Robbe let his hands slide off Sander’s body. He stepped back, about to walk away, but Sander grabbed his hand, stopping him.

‘’Robbe, wait.’’ Sander leaned and went for a kiss, but Robbe dodged him, causing the blond to whine and pout. ‘’Hey…’’

‘’I know what you’re doing and I’m not gonna let you.’’

‘’I just want to kiss you-’’

‘’Sander. Stop playing coy with me. I know that you’re hiding something from me. I don’t know what it is nor why, but it’s not because I’m younger than you that I can’t understand you. Stop pushing me away, our relationship will never work if we keep things from each other and can’t communicate.’’

Sander exhaled shakily, glancing up back and forth between Robbe and the tiles of the kitchen. Every time their gazes would cross, Robbe could see the fear in his light green eyes.

‘’The thing about Britt is that she thinks she knows me better than I know myself. She thinks she knows how I feel better than me and that this allows her to control my life. She called my dad to warn him that I was spiralling, that I was having mood swings and that he should keep an eye on me.’’

''Only you have control of your life. Not Britt, not your dad. Just you.’’

‘’I wish you were right…’’ He gave Robbe a half smile. ‘’What I’m about to tell you is gonna change everything between us. It's gonna change the way you see me and I don’t want anything to change. I like us the way we are. I...I don’t want you to see me differently. I don’t want this to put a strain between us and ruin everything like it always does.’’

‘’Sander, stop being cryptic-’’

‘’I have borderline personality disorder.’’

There was a moment of silence, an absence of reaction from Robbe and Sander jumped to conclusion, assuming the worst. He looked down, head hung low, holding in his pain and sadness coming from the brunet’s rejection.

‘’I...I should get going.’’

Sander moved from his spot at the counter and bent to grab his bag and jacket where he left them on the floor when Robbe spoke up.

‘’Stay. Pease, stay.’’

The blond stopped his movements, taken aback. ‘’Are you sure? I don’t want you to feel obligated to stay with me. I won’t be mad if you leave me.’’

It pained him to hear that Sander thought he wanted him to leave. He knew about his Robbe’s mom being in a psych ward, about her struggles with her mental health, how could he think Robbe would want to cut ties with him?

Cert, the news had taken Robbe by surprise and was a lot to process, but it didn't change the way he felt toward Sander. He was still the same chaotic artist with a passion for Bowie he had fallen for.

Shaking his head, Robbe crossed the kitchen to stand between the table and Sander and gently cupped his face between his smaller palms. Feeling his lover’s touch, Sander casted his green eyes down and pressed his forehead to Robbe’s, vulnerable. ''I'm here, with you, because I want to be with you. Because I love you.’’

A relieved breath escaped Sander's lips. He peered his eyes open, finding Robbe's almost immediately and snaked his arms around his middle, fingers grasping at the blue fabric of his hoodie. Instinctively, Robbe mimicked his action, pulling his boyfriend in his embrace, giving Sander all the love and support he needed in this vulnerable moment.

[blueberryrock]

Here is the Prologue to my newest story! It's not a fanfic, it is an original story im writing! I hope y'all like it!

(Also I might change the name in the future)

"Momma" a small five-year-old girl with long brown hair tugs on the bottom of her tired mom's pants "when will daddy come home?" Her big bright brown eyes meet her mom's dull brown eyes.

The tired mom glances at her watch, which reads nine pm. She pulls a curtain back from the window in front of her and sighs "any minute".

She turns her head to look at the little girl "Why don't you go put your jammies on, grab your sister, and we'll play a little game" she warmly smiles. The little girl squeals and runs to her room.

The mom smiles as she runs down the long hallway, she glances back outside to the empty street. "C'mon Rick, where are you" she mutters. She fiddles with her gold wedding ring that has a single, gorgeous, red jewel on it. A "blood-red diamond" as her gemologist cousin calls it.

"Mom, please tell Karlene that I don't want to play some stupid game" The five-year-old, Karlene's, older sister complains. She tucks a strand of her long dirty blonde hair behind her ear.

"Now Sierra, you promised to play a game with her earlier, and as soon as your dad returns from work. You can go back to your room" Sierra's mom finally turns away from the window.

"Ugh, fine, but just one round" Sierra huffs "what game are we playing anyway."

"Cops and robbers!" Shrieks Karlene.

"No. No way am I going to play that stupid game" Sierra angrily crosses her arms.

"How bout a card game?" Their mom suggests.

"Ooh let's play gold fish!" Karlene happily said.

"Sounds good to me" Sierra finally agrees "and it's Go Fish."

"I'll grab a deck of cards, you two clear off the coffee table" their mom dashes out of the room to look for a deck.

"Where do you think dad's at," Sierra asked her little sister as she moves a stack of paper to the ground.

"Maybe he's fighting super villains!" Karlene enthusiastically hits a remote on the ground "oops" she mutters to herself.

Sierra can't help but giggle at her little sister's sheer happiness. "He could be" Sierra puts the last object onto the lower level of the coffee table.

"Really?" Karlene squeals.

Sierra smiles and messes with Karlene's crazy brown hair, she looks around and gets ear level with her sister. "You know dad does have superpowers" Sierra whispers and smirks.

Karlene's blue eyes go wide and her jaw drops "No. Way." Sierra only grins "umm, yes way, he told me"

And as soon as Sierra said that, the girl's mom walks into the large living room, hold a bowl of pretzels, and a deck of black cards.

Before she can set anything down, Karlene leaps to her feet and runs at her mom. "Does daddy really have powers?" She asks excitedly, bouncing up and down.

"Ah, well, I wanted to wait till you were older" their mom sends an upset glare at Sierra, which she ducks behind the glass coffee table.

Their mom walks around the bouncing Karlene and sets the bowl and deck on the table. "But yes, your father has...er..powers"

And at that Karlene lets out the loudest squeal on the planet. "Do you think he can show me his?" Karlene runs up to Sierra.

Sierra only shrugs "don't ask me," she says

Karlene then turns to her tired mom "do you think I'll have powers?" She jumps up and down on the carpet.

"Well, there is about a fifty-fifty chance of you two to get them, but let's play our card game" she pulls Karlene by the hand to sit "please? And once your father comes home, you can berate him with any and all questions"

Karlene grins again. "So six cards?" Their mom asks as she deals out five cards to everyone.

"I'm pretty sure it's seven" Sierra corrects her. They continue to play round after round until the big, old, grandfather clock strikes twelve.

Karlene is passed out in her room while Sierra is reading and her mom is currently pacing back and forth in front of the door.

"Mom" Sierra puts her large book down, "I'm sure dad's fine, he's probably just held up somewhere" her mom stops pacing and shoots her a worried glance.

"Oh, umm, I meant in...like...traffic or something" Sierra quickly corrects herself. But her mom continues to pace.

"But he's never been this late" Sierra's mom throws herself on the nearest piece of furniture, which was a very comfortable armchair.

"I'm sure he's fi–" Sierra cuts herself off with a big yawn "ine" she rubs her eyes.

"You should go to bed, he'll (hopefully) be back here tomorrow" Sierra's mom gets up to plant a kiss on her daughter's forehead.

"R-right" Sierra picks up her book and walks down the hallway to her room. As soon as her door closes, Sierra's mom pulls out her phone to dial her husband's phone.

But on the second to last ring, a sobbing woman picks up. "R-Rose," she sobbing woman says "h-he's go-o-one"

"What! Tina calm down, who's gone?" Rose calmly asks. "R-ri-ick" Tina barely finishes.

The phone nearly slips out of her hand, Rose slides into one of the chairs and readjusts the phone. "M-my Rick?" Is all that she can muster.

Rose slides from the chair to the hardwood floor. "N-no!" She sobs "i-it ca-a-an't be t-r-r-rue." Rose drops her phone and continues to sob hysterically.

After maybe a few minutes or a few hours, Rose's sobs turn into loud whimpers. She shakily picks up her phone, Tina has hung up ages ago.

She tiredly wipes her eyes and looks at the time, one and a half hours have passed. That means she spent one and a half hours sobbing when she wanted to be with her husband.

She shakily pushes herself to her feet. Waves of nausea washes over her as she sits back into the armchair. She decides that she is too tired to walk down the same hallway her girls went.

She instead pulls her knees as close as she can into her chest and wraps her arms around them. She lays her head on them and looks around them empty room.

Memories of her family come flooding in, she glances at the coffee table she and the girls were at, and a memory of them with their dad play a board game makes her smile as more tears form.

She continues to softly cry as she remembers the last time she spoke to her husband. It was before he had to leave for his job.

They were talking about his they were planning on taking their girls out of the country for a vacation. But that idea is now long gone.

Rose continues to softly cry until she falls asleep. She dreams about talking to her husband in a little cafe.

She is rudely awakened by her youngest daughter. "Mommy" she happily says. Rose's bloodshot eyes meet her daughter's beautiful brown eyes.

"Yes, sweetheart?" She croaks, her throat begging for any water.

"Where is daddy?" Karlene asks with a small grin. Tears form in Rose's eyes as the thoughts of last night come flooding back. Perhaps it was a dream?

No. Rose couldn't remember a dream to save her life. "Y-your d-dad's g" she stops herself as her oldest daughter tiredly walks into the room.

She yawns "Karlene, let mom wake up first" Sierra rubs her tired eyes and unceremoniously throws herself onto the couch next to them.

Rose wipes her eyes and sits up straight. "G-girls" she announces "I have something very important to tell you about your father." Both girls sit down and pay attention.

"Your father...he's..." Rose sighs, she takes a deep breath in "he's gone"

"W-what do you mean gone?" Sierra asks.

"I mean your dad is gone, dead, he was...I believe that he was murdered" tears form in her and Sierra's eyes.

Rose looks down at Karlene, half expecting her to be full-on crying and half expecting her to be confused.

But she is the later one. "Daddy isn't coming here?" She furrows her brows as she tries to think "did he leave us?" She looks up at her now crying mom.

"Yes, he left us" she tries to explain, but Karlene starts sobbing "d-di-d he n-not l-o-ove u-s" she cries.

"Oh no baby" her mom says, she gently scoops her up and sits onto the couch next to the sobbing Sierra. "He love-ed us w-with all h-h-is heart" Rose tries not to cry, but she's failing miserably.

"W-will I-I get t-to see h-hi-m aga-ain?" Karlene wails. "Of c-course" Rose reassures her wailing daughter " y-you'll s-see hi-m aga-ain" Rose chokes on a sob.

BANG. BANG. BANG. Rose unwraps her arms that are around Karlene and sets her gently where she was sitting. She quickly walks towards the large dark oak front door. Rose takes a deep breath in, wipes her tears away, and opens the door.

"Hello, Ms. Winster." A tall police officer says in his deep voice. He nervously shifts on his feet. "My name is Dean Sanchez" he holds up his police badge, "and this" he points to his partner. His partner is slightly smaller, with blonde hair and brown eyes. "Is my partner."

"James Riddle" he introduces himself. He politely holds out his hand and shakes Rose's cold hand.

"We've umm...come here to inform you that your husband has be-" Sanchez tries to say but Riddle jabs him in the side.

Rose raises one of her eyebrows "has been what?" She asks, already knowing the answer.

"He's dead," Riddle says bluntly. "James! Be sensitive" Sanchez says. After hours of crying, more tears stream down Rose's face.

"H-how d-id it hap-pen" she sobs.

"We don't really know, it could've been an accident or a murder. We're still looking into it" Riddle explains "but we'll update you on any new information we get."

"O-okay" she sputters out. Sanchez pulls out a tissue from his vest and hands it to Rose. She says a quiet thank you and blows her nose.

The policemen bow their heads and start to walk away. Rose slowly closes the door, leaving a crack to watch them, making sure they left.

Something was off about them, but Rose didn't care enough to question them. She crumbles up the used tissue and places it on the coffee table.

She looks at her two still crying daughters. "How 'bout we get some ice cream?" She offers.

Sierra sneezes and weakly says "okay". Karlene only nods, she does her red and wet face on her soft PJ shirt.

"Go get dressed then we'll leave" Rose calmly says. Both girls get up and head for their bedrooms "and brush your hair Karlene" she calls after the youngest.

Rose looks down at her owns clothes. Pj pants and a hoodie. She sighs and rubs her tired face, she heads for her own room to change.

After five minutes of staring at her husband's clothes, she finally meets the girls in the living room.

"You ready?" She sadly smiles at the girls. Sierra lets out a hiccup and puts her flip flops on. Rose looks at her youngest daughter "did you brush your hair?"

Karlene only nods. Rose sighs and grabs her black leather purse "alright lets go."

Well thanks for reading, I hope y'all like what I do with it annnnd yeah...Oh! Also, I won't be updating this every week as I did with my other fic, the updates will be random

[chokeonmydickgrayson]

Headcanon #12

Taking the Batfam home to meet your Family.

Dick:

You’d probably have to tell him about twenty times on the ride there to keep his hands to himself, not even a little hand holding in front of your parents. (Lord knows how eager he is to have his hands on you at all times, though honestly you never mind it. You’re father however would slaughter him at the sight of any physical contact between the two of you and you were not going to be splitting up any fights tonight.)

Though Dick, being the playful idiot he was, would probably ignore your warnings. He’d slickly let his hands linger on yours as he’d pass you things around the house, subtitly winking to you as he did so. It makes your heart beat skip and draws a smirk to your lips, you loved his playfulness.

Other then his occasional defiance of the whole hands to yourself rule, he’d be a down right proper gentleman.

Before dinner he’d help your mother in the kitchen with the food, prepping the vegetables, setting and removing the pot roast from the oven, even grabbing her the various bottles of spices she collects and keeps stores up on the top shelves (which she can’t reach for the life of her and is to stubborn to move no matter how many times you and your father beg her to). Once he leaves the room your mother would most likely grab your arm and smack you lightly questioning instantly about plans of a wedding. “Your not getting any younger Y/N and neither am I! I want my damn grandbabies! He’s gentle, he can cook and he’s got the looks” she’d wink with a shake of the hips before giving a chuckle when youd flush red and burry your face in your palms “im just sayin’...the way he looks at you is the same way your father looked at me when we used to date...It’s clear he really loves you sweetheart.”

During dinner he’d probably be seated next to you. He’d probably let his leg rest against yours as he ate, he remembering to use those billionaire manors Alfred and Bruce instilled in him. It warmed your heart at how hard he truly was trying to impress your parents, you’d probably have to repay him the favor after dinner. He’d do his best to impress the table with some quirky banter and after the meal he’d be the first to excuse himself to help clear the table and help with the dishes. (Geh you almost wished he did the dishes at home. You’d give a chuckle and roll your eyes at just how much of a kiss ass he was being, but you thought it was cute.)

After dinner he’d probably try an attempt to spend time with your father. He was positive he had your mother’s approval but, he needed to know your father approved of him as well. It would come in hand one day when he asked for your hand in marriage. He’d probably sit back on the couch diagonal from your fathers recliner and watch the football game with him, he making small talk about the games plays. (As much as Dick enjoyed sports he never got to watch them, with your ever busy life styles sitting home and lounging in front of the tv watching Sunday night football was never an option). Your father knowing what Dick was doing would be the least bit interested in what he had to say. He’d give a sigh and mute the game, not making eye contact as he spoke “if you wanna brown nose my ass kid, your fucking shitty at it. Let me just save you the trouble, i will never approve of anyone that my little girl brings into this house, I know what a young guy like yourself wants with a beautiful girl like my daughter, I was your age once too.” He’d probably sip at a bottle of beer, before placing it on the coffee table in front of him leaning in closer for Dick to meet his eyes. “That being said, you make my little girl happier than I’ve ever seen her. You’ve made it further than anyone else she’s ever dated, no one else has made it into this house” he’d hum fingers rubbing at the short kept black beard on his chin. “You must be special to her...you two got pet names?” He’d ask Dick through squinted eyes, to which Dick unsure how to answer would blurt no. A bluff, your father could smell it a mile away. “What do bees make?” To which a very confused dick would blink and answer back “wait? What? Um, Honey?” You’d hear the word honey and poke your head through the kitchens serving window and respond with “Yeah baby?” Dick would turn bright red in the face and your father would hum with satisfaction, leaning himself back into his chair with his beer, returning the tv volume back to normal “your a shitty liar, you’ll do I guess”

Jason:

Jay wasn’t the most polished of all guys, sure he knew manners but more times than not he’d never use them. You’d beg him to at least try and act like he was raised in a damn house and not like a hood rat raised in the gutters of Gotham. He’d probably take notice of how important this was to you and do his best to comply. You debated telling him to be careful with how much physical contact he’d put out, but you knew it’d be a waste of your breath to even try.

His palms would be damp most likely out of nerves (but hell if he’d admit that to anyone.) You’d slide your hand into his regardless of the sweat, and knot your fingers together giving him a gentle reassuring squeeze “you’ll be fine, no matter what happens tonight i will still love you” you’d whisper to him leaning in and pressing a kiss to his cheek. He’d appreciate that more than he’d be able to express.

While you and your mother begin to cook dinner, Jason would be sat on a chair in the kitchen most likely findling with his phone doing some type of “work”. Generally unless spoken to, he wouldn’t speak which could problematically be seen as rude. Your mother would most likely eye you over with disapproval and annoyance motioning to the phone in his hand. Moms are gonna mom. You’d sigh and call his name, evoking an immediate response of “what?” You cringing at the tone. Throughly to be clear you’re not cringing due to the toughness of his tone, but from the fact that you knew his response was going to catch a bit of lash back. You’d just take a breath and hand him a carrot and a peeler. He’d look at you with a brow raised before looking down at the carrot “am I suppose to freaking chop it or something?” He’d ask honestly unknowing that some people did in fact peel the top layer of a carrot off. You’d just snort a bit to his response you not thinking anything out of ordinary it. With a gentle shove of the shoulder you’d take the carrot back and demonstrate proper peeling procedures before handing it back “think you can handle that Mr tough guy? If not I got some heavy dishes in need setting up that have your name engraved right on ‘em” you’d tease. Your mothers eyes would watch the two of you more eased by the way he reacted to you, however her impression so far wasn’t the best. Once he’d finished peeling the carrots and had left the kitchen your mother would pull you aside and voice her concerns. “I know you love him Y/N but are you sure he’s good for you? I mean I can see what you see in him” she’d pause watching him as he set the table. There was no denying Jason was one gorgeous man, the honest to god total bad boy packag. Stunning body build, beautiful piercing blue eyes, and that irritatingly gorgeous dark hair with that one white pinstrip. God you couldn’t help but watch him as well. You could have spent the rest of the night just fantising about what you’d do for him later if your mother had not stopped you. “I’m just saying baby, think about it before you make any choices. You say he treats you well, and I can’t be one to disagree, I just don’t appreciate the foul mouth and the attitude. He clearly means a lot to you and you clearly mean a lot to him...maybe just try and smooth his edges out”

During dinner Jason would most likely take a seat next to you, however across from your father. At some point in your meal you’d ask “daddy could you pass me the salt?” Hey, you were still young and your father was one of the most important figures of your life. Your father would reach forward his hand overlapping onto Jason’s, confusion and anger splaying over his face. Jason had unintentionally without paying attention as well reached to hand you the salt, seeing as how sometimes you could be guilty of calling him by the same name during bedroom play. Your face would be bright red as you sink in your seat, Jay casually chewing the piece of meat in his mouth “oh wow, this is kinda awkward....Id love to give you an excuse for why I reached for the salt, but i got nada.....your daughter calls me daddy too.” He’d smirk.

There was no after dinner, your fathers top blew, you and Jason being kicked out of the house. Don’t worry, your father would leave Jason with fairwell parting gift, a good clip to the jaw....It’s safe to say your father does NOT approve of Jason and your mothers view point may be more skewed now. He’d look defeated and upset that he messed up tonight so badly but how could you stay mad at him. Your family could be difficult there was a reason you didn’t come around much yourself. You’d just press yourself into his torso planting soft kisses there “I’m proud that you at least gave it your best shot Jay, but i hope ya don’t have hopes of ever being called Daddy again after tonight.”

Tim:

You would have zero concerns about taking Tim home to meet your family. He was respectful, smart, and handsome, he was everything you look for in the boy you bring home to mom and dad. You were excited for your family to finally meet him, you’d only chewed your mothers ear off endlessly about the amazing boy you’ve been blessed with, you couldn’t wait to flaunt him off.

Tim however, would be a nervous wreck. He’d probably ask Bruce about a thousand times how he should act and what he should say. He didn’t want to blow this, you mean the world to him, he’d hate for you to leave him over a small screw up. He’d be so nervous he’d practice the phrase “Hi Mr and Mrs Y/L/N I’m Tim, it’s nice to meet you” about a thousand times. You’d notice his jitters and would let your palm slip innocently against his lap, softly petting his upper thigh. “Relax Tim, you’re over thinking it. We’re just grabbing dinner with my folks, just be the Tim Drake I fell in love with, he’s the best guy I know” you’d tell him. I’d do wonders for his nerves.

Before dinner Tim would be attentive and helpful in the kitchen, he’d start cooking right along side your mother as if he were part of the family. (Which you were glad he felt that way) Your mother would love how eager Tim was to learn her cooking methods, even if he was a terrible cook. It was an A for effort from her. Youd crack a grin and watch as he used the might of those finely toned muscles of his to mash the potatoes. He’d look so adorable in your mothers apron, his tongue greased our past his lips in the corner as he really focused on the task at hand. You’d give a smile while your mother wasn’t looking and dab a bit of potato on his nose kissing his cheek softly. Nobody but you and Tim has to know about that. She’d smile when he walked out of the room, she watching him take his time to set out the table out in the dining room. “You were right Y/N, when your right your right. I didn’t believe you when you said you’d found the perfect guy but I can’t argue with you! He’s a little cutie pie, you two are adorable together hunny. He must really love you to go through all this trouble tonight, you’re very lucky.” She was right, you watched him with practically heart shaped eyes. You were incredibly lucky.

Dinner would go fairly smooth. He’d do his best to help clean up after dinner, though he’d end up making bigger mess in the kitchen so your mother would banish him from her realm.

After dinner he’d sit with your father, though Tim being the shy guy he was didn’t really have much to say. He didn’t give a damn about sports, the only thing Tim could talk about that he and your dad had in common would be you. He’d clear his throat and rub his palms nervously on his pant legs he clearing his throat “S-sir....i know I’m not the hippest guy on the block and I get it if you’d rather your daughter date someone cooler than me...but I can promise you I’m never gonna do anything wrong by her. She means a lot to me and I’m sorry I don’t have much else to say, I don’t think other than Y/N we really have anything in common” he’d nervously laugh “but I can tell you that I love her and I promise every day I fight to be a better me so she can have best me possible.” He’d say eyes locking with your fathers.

Your father would take in a deep breath and look Tim over once or twice not saying a word, turning his attention back to the tv. He’d pass a beer over to Tim cracking it open. “You’re an okay kid” he’d say pounding back a good swing of that alcohol before slamming the can down on the table “but if you’re lying to me and you break my baby girls heart I’m gonna break your damn knee caps” Hey, if ya don’t make the threat are you really her father? All jokes aside your father would absolutely approve. He’d pull you aside after he’d shaken poor Tim’s ass and whisper into your ear “don’t tell him i want him to fear me a bit, but I approve sweetie, you picked a good guy.”

[dutifully-secret-bouquets-stuff]

A little Kastle I want to work on....

       “I gotta walk out of here, Karen. And you can’t do it with me.”

        His words play over and over in my head, a constant reminder that he had chosen a other war. Frank had chosen another life that I could not be a part of. He didn’t want me. And no matter how hard I try to pretend that he did it to keep me safe, the ache in my chest is a reminder me that it was not the case.

        His pleading eyes haunt me, and every time I blink I can see his face. Bruises and cuts, scars from a fight with Russo. His eyes red rimmed and swollen, begging me to understand his choice, and of course I did. I knew what Frank had to do, and why he was doing it. He could not live without a fight, no matter how much I wanted it be different. No matter how many times I begged for an “after” his choice would always be the same. But even knowing this, I had searched in his warm eyes for a maybe, a fleeting hope, that maybe after this was over we could figure it out together. Searching for an admission, that,yes, he wanted an after that included me. But all I could see was pain, and a lingering longing. Longing for peace, redemption, for his family. Frank’s eyes were those of a broken man. A man with nothing to lose. Because really, what more could he lose? His whole family was gone, and his best friend had betrayed him.

        So I walked away, made sure that Frank knew that I would never stand in his way. With my heart breaking and a lump in my throat, I stepped aside. No matter how much it broke my heart, I would respect his choice, even if in the process, my whole life came tumbling down.

      Even as my heart cried out to him, my breath came a little quicker, and tears rimmed my eyes, I would do anything to help and protect the Punisher no matter how much I was hurting. So I left my shoes behind, and the hope that Frank would ever want a normal life.

      But even still, I remember the elevator shaft, the way his blodied body felt against my forhead. Like time stood still to grant us one moment of peace, one moment together. So the more his last words repeated in my head, the more I try to convince myself that the longing in his eyes was not for me. That my touch had no effect in him. That if we would have gotten more time...maybe…

        I have to convinve myself that Frank Castle feels nothing because I cannot keep tearing myself apart wishing for a future that will never be a possibility. I have to believe that Frank sees me only as Karen Page, paralegal, journalist, and nothing else. Maybe that way I can cope with the rejection. Maybe that way the sting will fade a little quicker. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

       I walk away from the chaos, I walk, and walk until the hospial alarms are only a faint echo in the distance. I turn to look at the police cars and ambulances that rush to the place I was escaping, and with one last glance, I mumble, “Goodbye, Frank.” Quickly turn and pray that Frank has made it out alive. That Madani’s plan worked, that the police uniform was enough. I hope, and wish that Frank, and the girl, Amy, are safe.

        Involuntarily I shiver, and I run a hand up and down my… Ow! I gasp as soon as my had made contact with my right elbow. The fire extinguisher, I remebered. And as I take a peek at my hand I see the blood, and internally curse. Shit. Crimson bubbles from the gash on my hand. Blood pools in my palm. I gingerly poke at the cut and wince. It is a deep wound, I might need stiches, I laugh. Oh the irony, I think, leaving a hospial, only to need it a few minutes later. If this incident did not completely sum up my life, I would have laughed. But life has a funny way of making me realize that my life is a mess. That everything I touch, not matter my intentions, always blows up in my face, sooner or later.

        I look at my hand covered in blood, and I follow the drops that are running down, and landing on the ground with a plop.

        I tilt my had, and all the accumulated liquid rushes to the floor. As the blood continues its decent, my feet become warm and sticky.

        “Mom, look! That lady has blood all over. Is she okay?!” a shrill voice calls out.

        “Kevin,” the mom, I guess, calls out. “Get away from her.”

         Kevin’s name snaps me out of my daze. I look around, and a crowd has gathered around to spectate the freak show that Karen Page has become.

         “Sorry,” my right hand goes up in an attemp of apology.

             “You are still bleeding, miss.”

            Yep, that I am. Still bleeding. So I do the first thing I can think of. I untuck my blouse, and press the silky fabric against my injured hand. I hiss at the contact, and within seconds my hem is coated with blood. Turning away from the crowd I frantically search for my car.

          Jesus Karen, get yourself together, I scold myself. Where did I park? Oh yes, I remember. So I run to my car, and as I get closer, I fumble inside my purse for the keys. I fish them out with my right had, and jump inside.

         Once inside, I search for a bandage, anything. And of course, I find nothing. So I do the only rational thing, I rip the bottom of my shirt. The silk comes undone in a second, and as best as I can, I wrap my pounding hand. Blood drowns the white.

         With my hand wrapped and delt with, I lean towards the passenger seat and find my running shoes. I dust my feet, and jam those babies in. At least I got a good use out of them.

        I feel much better. Karen Page, full of blood, and with no socks, how is that for a cosmic joke.

         As I laugh at how much the universe hates me, my phone rings.

          Frank I immediately think. And without looking at the caller ID, I answer. “Hello?”

          I expect to hear the gravel voice that is Frank, I am momentarily taken aback when the one who answers is Matt.

       “Karen, hi. Where are you?”

       “Hey Matt,” I sigh.

       “Karen, are you okay? Where are you?” Fear fills his voice.

       “Yeah, I’m fine,” I try to sound reassuring.

       His tone shifts slightly once he hears that I am okay. “Well you missed lunch with me and Foggy, and you were not answering your messages” - “or mine,” Foggy chimed. - “then we saw the news about the hospital and…”

        I cut him off, “Matt, I am fine, I just forgot, and my phone was on silent,” I lie, “but I will be there in a few minutes. Don’t worry.”

        “You forgot, why? Is there someth….”

        “See you later,” I say before hanging up.

          I take a deep breath to calm down my serves, and without a second thought start the engine. I drive for what it seems to be hours, with Frank still in my head. The more distance between us the more my chest hurts. The more I wish he were here. I take a other left, and I am greeted with Nelson, Murdock, & Page painted in white letters on the glass door of our new offices.

         It is not big change, but it is an upgrade from our old offices. Looking at the new letters, I momntarily remember how I got here. I see myself with Matt and Foggy being payed witn chickens, and how then my investigating skills with Frank’s case, one way or another everything leads back to Frank, earned me a spot in The Bulletin, and how that we to shit when I failed Ben. And now here I am again, right back where I started.

         Without another thought about my shitty life, I climb out of my car, carefully as to not touch my hand, and head for the door. The smell of drying paint assaults my nostrils. God, we really need some airfreshners, I think.     

         “Hi Ms. Page, good to see … Ms. Page, are you okay?” Samantha, our part time office manager, questions.

          “Yeah, great. I’ll be in Matt’s office.”

           “But, Ms. Page…” Sam hesitates.

          I ignore the worry in her voice, and follow the smell of food. Once infront of Matt’s office, I lift my chin, and open the door. Inside are Matt and Foggy, enjoying Chinese take out. And man, it smells delicious.

         “Damn, that smells fantastic. I hope there’s some for me.” At the sound of my voice two heads turn to me. They take in my state, and Foggy’s eyes widen.

        “What?” I say.

The first to speak is Matt.

        “Karen, oh Karen.”

        “What Matt?” I counter.

         “Well for starters you smell of blood, and from what I didn’t hear, you aren’t wearing your heels. In fact you are wearing sneakers with no socks. Does that sound about right, Foggy?” Matt turns to Foggy, expecting a response.

         “How did you realize that I wasn’t wearing… Right, the Devil of Hell’s Kitchen,” I chuckle.

        Foggy cannot say anything, he is frozen in place. A look of utter horror plastered on his face. Eyes wide, mouth slightly open, and his eyebrows up to his forhead. It was quite a sight, except for the fact that it was me he was looking at.

[purplesurveys]

381

Where did you get what you wore to bed last night? I decided to stay over at Gabie’s place at the last minute and didn’t bring a change of clothes, so she lent me one of her duster dresses. Do your parents smoke? Nope. Do you know anyone who has a ton of real fur clothes? As far as I know I don’t, and I hope there really is no one. If Britney Spears came to your town, would you go see her concert? It’s a cool prospect, but I wouldn’t go. What about Hedley? See I don’t even have the slightest clue who they/that are/is.

When you're cranky, do you take it out on others? Yep. Have you ever worn a pair of leather (fake or real) pants? No. I’d die from how hot it would be. Are you older then sixteen? Yes. If the last person you kissed asked you to marry them, what would you do? I always talk about how excited I am to get married, but if she asked me at this moment I’d find it freaky and say that it’s too early to do such a thing. What color pen did you last use? Black. Do you know who Craig Owens is? I don’t think so. What was the last message you received about? I was just talking to Gabie about her dad and asking her for reassurance that he likes and approves of me. He’s really nice, but he’s intensely quiet, and as a mass communication major who’s used to being surrounded by talkative people and filling the silence with noise, his quietness unnerved me quite a bit. Side story: The three of us had dinner last night and even though I begged her not to, Gabie went to the washroom, leaving me with her dad for several minutes. Filipino parents would normally break the ice and ask questions, but he immediately went on his phone and DID. NOT. TALK. TO ME. As if I wasn’t there. It wasn’t necessarily rude, it’s just the way he is according to Gab. It was straight out of a movie, I was so uncomfortable–even mortified to an extent–and looked around at other tables for a bit and wondered if we were gonna stay like that for eternity. I put my masscom skills to the table and came up with a topic, which thankfully lasted until he came back. Do you ever suddenly jolt awake when you're almost asleep? It happens sometimes. What shoes do you wear to work out in? I don’t work out. Has a bookshelf or desk, etc, of yours ever randomly collapse? I don’t remember that ever happening. What's the longest you ever stayed at someone else's house? Idk, I never really overstay. The longest has probably been at Angela’s - I’d sometimes stay close to a full 24 hours there. What is your favorite aunt's middle name? I think it’s Josette. What was the subject of the last science fair project you did? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA can we forget fucking investigative projects please omg those made my high school life HELL Do you think making a guy/girl jealous is a good way to get together? It’s certainly petty. I like petty. Is your math teacher married? I haven’t taken a math class since freshman year; but no, I don’t think that prof is married. Name something you used to wear that you thought you looked SO good in, but now when you see it is actually hideous? It’s not hideous, but I had a stiletto phase when I was 13 and would wear 6-inch heels to the fucking mall. It’s so embarrassing to look back on, especially when I realize now that people weren’t staring at me because they were impressed with my heels, they were staring because I looked fucking dumb. Do you miss your last ex? I missed her too much I got back together with her. When you believe in the Easter Bunny, what did you think it looked like? Chandler Bing from that one Halloween episode. What about the tooth fairy? I didn’t really have an image in mind, I just wanted her to give me money. Do you/did you have a religion class in school? I went to a Catholic school, so yes. But the school I go to now prohibits any kind of religious promotion. There are religious orgs and people of any and every religion are allowed to step into the university, but coaxing people to prayer or something of that manner isn’t allowed. Has your best friend ever ditched you for a guy/girl? Never. Do you ever get jealous of your friends? Sometimes, but they’re my friends so it passes. Do you think it's stupid when people online out over little spelling errors? Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn’t. Is there someone who calls or texts you every night to say goodnight? Gabie. If your best friend got cancer, would you shave your head with them? I would probably do it for Gabie or Anj. Did you kiss anyone on New Year's this year? No, my girlfriend and I always spend the holidays with our families. Name someone you know who is Buddhist. I’ve heard one of my classmates from high school is a Buddhist, but I never got that confirmed cos I never really cared for her. Has anyone ever purposely made a food of you? What does this even mean? Like a cupcake with my face on it? No. Would you rather work at a fast food restaurant or be a garbage man? Fast food but I’d rather stay inside the kitchen or have a role that won’t require me to be social. I wouldn’t want to deal with pissy old people. What was the subject of the last essay you wrote? Chinese-Filipino relations in the Philippines from the 1970s to the present. Does your mom wear makeup? Yes. Do you kiss your boyfriends/girlfriends in front of your parents? I held Gabie’s hand while we were with her dad last night, but no I don’t kiss her. Have you ever spent Christmas alone? I’m always with my family, but I do feel mentally alone. Have you ever spent your birthday alone? Yes. Do you say attractive, hot, or sexy or something else about guys/girls? Um I mean I say ‘pretty’ a lot. Is there a member of the opposite sex you'd do ANYTHING for? Gabie’s dad tbh. Does your favorite uncle have any children? No. Has anyone ever kissed you when you were so not expecting it? I’m sure it’s happened before. Was it a good surprise kiss? Or bad? Good, cos all my kisses always come from my girlfriend haha. Do you know which has more alcohol: beer or vodka? It’s gotta be vodka, right? Name a Nintendo 64 game. Mario Kart 64. Hahaha, easy way out. Do you use gift bags or wrapping paper? Gift bags, because I’m absolutely hopeless with gift-wrapping. Do you ever day dream about the person you like? She comes up from time to time, yes. Have you ever sat in front of a kicking and crying child on a plane? No thank godddddd. Name all the members (first, middle and last names) from your favorite band. Hayley Nichole Williams, Zachary Wayne Farro, Taylor Benjamin York. Do you still have any Pokemon cards? Nah, those disappeared like a decade ago. How many cards are in your wallet? I’ve never really gotten to counting them. YouTube, Facebook or Bzoink? I mean I use them all for different reasons. I’d go to YouTube for videos, Facebook for work, and Bzoink to find surveys. Have you ever tried to make something right but it just messed it up more? Do you mean all the time? Has someone ever approached you and offered you drugs? Never. I’d be so shocked and probably get an anxiety attack haha. ^ What did you do? Do you like the picture on your ID? NO. It had been drizzling and I had no umbrella + I was late for Math class ON MY FIRST DAY AS A COLLEGE FRESHMAN so I was so hassled. You can make out my wet hair a bit in the photo. What would you do if your favorite artist came to town but your parents wouldn't let you go? Find a way. Do you type really or rly? Both. I’d type rly if I was lazy, talking to a friend, or if I’m lazy and talking to a friend. Do you say everything in inititals because saying the full thing is too much work? Only with close friends. Have you ever found someone on the Sims to be attractive? No??? What was your first kiss like? Clueless and lots of fumbling around from me. Gab kissed me as though she’s done it a thousand times though. Is there someone you pretend to like but they really piss you off? I remember so many people. What does AP stand for? As a journalism student I understood that as Associated Press. What's something you wish was different? The country I live in. Do you ever say 'I'm rotted?’ Never said that in my life. What's the last color of jeans you saw? I saw? Light blue. Do you know anyone who refuses to swear? Yeah there were a couple of goody two shoes in high school who would absolutely refuse to. Who knows, college might have changed them. Have you ever heard a young child swear? No. Have you ever heard your grandparents swear? My maternal grandfather did, but I’ve never heard the other three do so. Have you heard all your friends swear? DUH hahaha.

[moveslikejaggeria]

ive been meaning to post for a while, but time keeps alluding me. lots of things do these days

im not quite sure how prayer works, if im being honest. never have. to be fair, id have to say i really dont understand how religion works either. i used to pray as a child for snow days until my mother caught me and scolded me. i think she thought i was wasting his time. that he has better things to do than grant stupid insignificant wishes of a little girl

i wonder what my mother would think—what the church goers would think—if they knew how i used to pray for god to kill me; to take me in my sleep. how i was too much of a coward to do it myself. how i sobbed myself to sleep and begged.

i called my mother over a month ago to—as one does—complain about life. how i told her that life seemingly hadnt gotten better since 2019. how it had all been going downhill since then and when was it going to get good again. she told me that was how the world worked. that this is how life was. to which i said, “then i dont want to live.”

and she scoffed. she told me to stop being dramatic. i have no doubt that she remembers the night i screamed at her and my dad how much i wanted to die. or the night when i walked into the bathroom after taking half a bottle of benadryl and whispering to her how i had a secret but she couldn’t be mad. how she waited in the drs office next to me for hours while i was shaking and crying. she couldn’t forget it. she probably just wishes she could.

besides she has other stuff to deal with: shitty people from my hometown, her bosses, my father. i can’t tell if on the surface i blame my parents for everything while deep down i know they tried their best or vice versa. i dont know if i truly believe the latter is true or not.

i believe i wrote a bit ago about how my mother had mentioned so nonchalantly that my grandpa has prostate cancer. i had been on the phone with her again the other day when she was about to hang up and said, “oh by the way your grandma has breast cancer”

“oh by the way your aunt and uncle might get divorced”

“oh by the way i caught your father (finally) smoking weed”

“oh by the way your father is going back to inpatient”

“oh by the way our daughter fucking died.”

see mother. i know what dramatic is; i can do dramatic.

the moral of the story is not that im going to do something stupid tonight. or in the near future most likely, so don’t you worry yourselves silly, pornbots. its that here i am again, almost two months later, and i can fucking hear it. its so clear. the sobs. and the screaming. the water, oh god.

i drove myself home today and i probably shouldnt have because i couldnt see and i couldnt really think. and a good majority of the ride home all i could think about is how it would feel to have my head bashed in. what it would look like. i thought about tetris for a bit, but i dont like the game at all.

i have a fever and i cannot blame my body. i, too, am working overtime just desperately trying to make ends meet, in more way than one. i wish my Mom was here. not gretchen, but Mom. someone to wrap me in a blanket and hold me and stroke my hair and put on a stupid cold war documentary and buy me pasta and shush me until i stop crying and reassure me every once in a while that she loves me so much. she wouldnt leave me the night after i tried to kill myself, wouldnt ask me to pull it together with red bloody arms.

im so tired playing both roles.