#idk WHY i just didn't like listening to her until yesterday when i listened to her album on repeat

[protectcosette]

don't you love when your brain doesn't let you get into something you know you'd like for months and when you try anyway it just doesn't click so you just have to wait until one day you unlock access to this thing you want to get into

anyway. officially a chappell roan stan now

[ahgasegotarmy116]

He Doesn't Deserve You | A Jeon Jungkook Series | Chapter One

Summary: Life didn't turn out the way you wanted. You got the guy, and the job but everything else you had ever wanted has been crumbling around you. Pairing: Noona reader x Jeon Jungkook (She's 28 and he's 22) Word Count: 2.1k~ Warnings: yändere, manipulation, domestic violence, self harm, cheating, explicit language, hints at smut, angst, idk what else lol a/n: Ahh thank you so much for all of the love so far on the intro and even all the notes on the masterlist hehe. I'm really loving the direction this story is going in so I hope you guys will too! And thanks again to @kkusadmirer for the request!

Opening my laptop I pull up the most recent edit I had done on the next chapter I was working on. 

I'm a writer, not an incredibly famous one but a writer nonetheless. I make enough to get by and I'm able to work from home so that's all I ever really wanted. Just a silly girl, writing her silly stories, living her silly life. 

But unfortunately things don't always turn out the way you want them to. 

I thought I had it all, perfect grades and a perfect boyfriend with a loving family and a bright bright future. Now looking back at it all and seeing all of the stuff in the background that I somehow missed just makes me feel foolish.

How could I not notice Taehyung wondering eye? Why did I not listen to what my friends used to say about him? Why did I leave all of my friends behind for him? 

Being so wrapped up and so in love with him I didn't even notice the fact that my family was falling apart. My mom cheated on my dad and I never knew until they told me they were getting a divorce.

While my brother was struggling in high school while being around all of their screaming and fighting and finally got committed to a mental institution when he had a psychotic break.

I never knew anything about that. It's not like I didn't care, but I just never really reached out or gave them enough time to reach out to me. 

I was always like 'Oh Tae just got home I have to go' or 'Tae is expecting me so I need to get going'. My world has revolved around him for so long that my family and friends feel like strangers. 

How could I have been so stupid and neglected them, all for one guy?

The one that I wanted to build a future with and promised to do the same with me. Now here I am, 24 with student loans up to my neck and a sorry excuse for a marriage with a husband that is never home. 

I don't know what I managed to do in my past life that ended up royally fucking me up in this one but I'm sorry. Why couldn't I have done better so I would be saved from having my spirit broken and my heart ripped to shreds. 

The only positive thing is that this has given me is the inspiration to come up with an even more fucked up series of books that has been my only source of income for the past few years. 

Years, wow. 

Thinking about how much time has passed and how things went to shit so quickly helped me continue down this downward spiral and I don't know how to make it stop. Although the sound of keys jingling outside the front door is my rude awakening, my brain knowing I need to be conscious of what may happen next.

 I quickly wipe off the tears that I didn't even realized had started to fall and clear my throat. Moments later I'm met with the sight of Taehyung walking in wearing the same shirt I had seen him in yesterday but sports a brand new hickey near the collar, just barely noticeable but he makes no effort to hide it. 

"Y/n" I hear him call out, breaking me out of my train of thought. "Yes?" I question, hating that I've been caught off guard even though I was staring right at him. "I asked if we have anything to eat" he says, making his way over to the refrigerator, now going to see if he can answer his own question before I'm even given another second to speak up. 

"Um yeah I think there's some left over pizza from last night" I say and get up to walk towards him. "So how was work yesterday?" I ask tentatively, still not sure what kind of mood he's in. "Exhausting but it is what it is I guess" he says while stuffing his face full of a cold slice of pepperoni pizza. 

I turn to walk away while nodding my head, not bothering to ask anything else since it seems from his vague answers that he's not in the mood to talk. 

"Hey" he says, gently grabbing my wrist with the hand that wasn't occupied with the pizza, leaving me frozen in place. I know better than to walk away from him. Even if he's not mad at the moment doesn't mean that he won't be in the next. 

"Where are you running off to?" he asks pulling me close by that same wrist. Still doing so carefully but pressing on the bruises that he had left there from the last fight we had. 

He sees my slight look of discomfort and how my vision is trained on the wrist he's still holding and rolls up my sleeve, taking a quick look and seeing the evidence of his past transgressions.

"It left a mark huh?" he says examining the spot further and then bringing it up to his face where he places a few featherlight kisses on it, making a flash of heat run through my system when he looks back up at me with those eyes.

Those bedroom eyes that never fail to put me in a trance. He lifts his hand up towards my face and I flinch not knowing what to expect and see him stopping for a second, surprised by my reaction.

"Don't be afraid baby, it's just me" he says and keeps going, hooking his finger on the collar of my turtleneck to pull it to the side, no doubt searching for other marks. 

"There's marks here too. I guess it's a good thing you stay home. Don't want to have to make up excuses for those now would you?" he says tapping under my chin twice, a slight lilt in his tone, enjoying my clear discomfort in showing them to someone, even if it's the person that's caused them.

"What did you do today baby?" he asks, letting go of me and going back to grab a few other things out of the fridge to complete his meal. "Oh you know, just some writing" I say, trailing off and giving him the same answer that I've given him time and time again. 

"You almost done with it?" he questions, only really asking so he knows when my next big payday will be. 

I shake my head "No, not yet. I think I'm only about halfway though" I say, giving simple answers to his simple questions. "Well you better get it out soon. I bet your readers are dying to know what happens next" he says giving me a quick wink before taking everything he has in his hands and carrying it over to the couch. 

"Do you think you could grab me a beer?" he asks, but I know it's more of a courtesy than anything phrasing it like I actually had an option. I respond with a quiet yeah and bring it over to him, placing it on the coffee table. 

"Thanks babe" he says and grabs a ahold of my hand and angles his head up, clearly asking for a kiss to which I oblige. Again something I don't really have an option in doing. "I missed you" he says and rubs his nose against mine cutely, or at least it used to be cute. Now it just makes me sad thinking of all of those times when we were happy.

"Are you gonna watch the game with me?" this time giving me something that I actually have a choice in. "I think I've got some more writing I'd like to do" I say and he nods his head not even bothering to look at me or give me a verbal sign of acknowledgment before turning on said game and slumping back into the couch to watch. 

I walk over to my desk that happens to unfortunately be in the living room so I'm forced to grab my headphones to drown out the sound so I can hopefully get another chapter or two in before I call it a night. 

~~~~~~

"Baby" I hear him call for me through my headphones after some time, that's something that I've had to fine tune. Making sure I can hear him when he talks to me no matter what so it's one less thing I have to worry about him getting upset about. 

I pull out my headphones and turn my attention towards him, half expecting him to ask me to get him a beer. "Yes?" I reply, waiting to see what he needs. "Come here" he says holding his hand out to me and spreading his legs, showing me where he wants me. 

I get up and walk towards him, straddling him once I get close enough and putting my arms around his neck. "Hi" he says in a deep voice sending a shockwave through my nervous system. "Hi" I respond quietly, intimidated at the thought of what he might do next. "How was the game?" I ask tentatively, hoping for my own sake that there was a favorable result. 

"We won" he says, mindlessly tracing his hands up and down my curves. "How's your book?" he asks leaning into my neck, placing kisses over the bruises he had noticed from before. "

It's going" I whisper, starting to feel breathless from his warm breath fanning the sensitive parts of my skin. "Ready for a break?" he asks, question laced with a mischievous tone. I hum in acknowledgment, tilting my head to the side so he can have his fun.

~~~~~~

"I'm gonna head out but I'll be back later" Taehyung says while getting dressed with me still laying there with only a sheet to cover my body. "You're leaving?" I question, knowing he just said that but hoping he'll give me some sort of explanation.

"The guys wanted to meet up for a couple of drinks to talk about the game. Get some rest okay? I'll be back in a few hours" he says planting a soft kiss on my lips and one on my forehead. 

I nod as he pulls the comforter over me as well, starting to already to drift off to sleep. "Stay safe" I mumble and flip over to the other side to try and get more comfortable.

He looks down at me for a second and chuckles at my fucked out and sleepy state before walking out of our bedroom and soon I'm left with the sound of him closing and locking the door behind him. 

Although this night was bittersweet I'm thankful that it ended up like this. He's not a selfish lover when it comes to sex so I'm always left sleepy and satisfied except for the times that he's more rough, rough is putting it lightly so I guess I should say when he's more violent. 

I hate thinking about those nights and I refuse to let those dark thoughts cloud this physical euphoric feeling I have but I can't help but worry about what he might actually be going out to do.

 Would having a drink with the guys really make him want to leave his naked and freshly fucked wife alone in his bed? I just don't get it. If he's already been with me tonight could there be a possibility that he would wake up in another woman's bed and leave me waking up alone again tomorrow?

There's no use worrying about it though. It's not like it hasn't happened before, but why do I always let it get to me? Yes he's my husband but our marriage isn't like other ones in anyway shape or form. I'm here when he wants or needs me and that's it. I'm not allowed to want or need him because I'm just left disappointed every single time.

He doesn't love me, he just loves what I can give him and I need to come to terms with that. But it's nights like these where he's gentle and whispers sweet nothings in my ear that make me second guess things. 

Maybe he's changed? Maybe he's realized what actually matters? And maybe I'm just getting my hopes up. I can't keep lying to myself but I don't know what else to do. I feel alone most days but these little glimmers of hope are what keep me holding on and unfortunately that's all I have left. 

prev / next Series Masterlist

Taglist: @jkslipppiercing @trina864 @kaitieskidmore97 @goddesofimortality @coolbluedude @00frenchfries00 @bangtans-momma @coralmusicblaze @pastelpinkjoon @joonwater @marvelbun @j3nni-rs @evidive @beomieboi @forevrglow @jesssssmaybankk @teugiie @chaconnelatte @whoa-jo @snehal @xumyboo @mindurbuzznezz @diorh0seokie @hehurst23 @caro134340lina @ye0nvibezzn @olimpiiaa @hrtsj1m @junecat18 @ellesalazar @babycandy111 @felixz4life @lively-potter @esther-kpopstan @gyukookswhore @koohrs @skzthinker @vminkookgf @kookiescupcake0109 @itsyoooeui @latinapoetbts @sisterstantas @kkusadmirer @lady-belz @pamzn

Join my Taglist!

Feel free to fill out the form or just comment on any of my fics to be added :)

[garfield-mug]

Can I request a Bob blurb? Maybe he has a really hot girlfriend and nobody believes him until they meet her? You can do whatever you want with this!

A/N: for the purposes of this story, the daggers are permanently stationed in san diego. idk if this really fits the request, but i look at bob and immediately think that man can dance, so....

also, the squad gives bob a bit of a hard time in this one, but i promise they love each other lmao and the length of this may have gotten away from me, but i had fun, so it's okay lol and this isn't proofread bc i'm tired so excuse any spelling errors (i'll stop talking now byeee!)

(p.s. see if you can spot the movie reference, 10 bonus points to whoever points it out)

Word Count: 2.2k

Content Warnings: none unless you don't like dancing ;)

Cheek to Cheek

Bob knew he wasn't really a "ladies' man." He was rather quiet and reserved, keeping to himself most of the time. He wasn't cocksure and forward, like Jake. He wasn't a goofy, shameless flirt, like Bradley. He didn't consider himself shy; he wasn't afraid to engage in conversation or make friends. Bob just preferred to sit back and observe. He liked to watch and listen, getting a good read of every room he walked into. Watching and listening was how he noticed you.

You were a sight to behold. Bob reasoned that you had to be new to the club because he would've noticed you before.

Bob doesn't get much downtime, but when he does, he likes to spend it at the San Diego Swing Dance Club. Since he was little, Bob loved to dance. He remembers his mother teaching him a basic waltz when he was about seven. Gliding and twirling around the living room on top of his ma's feet are some of his fondest memories. He started ballroom classes when he was around twelve (he wanted to impress his date to his very first dance) and fell even more in love with the art. His repertoire grew and grew, having meticulously memorized different styles (paso doble was his favorite). He still loved dancing as he grew older, able to turn on the charm as easy as he knew the moves. He loved the way dancing made him feel. Bob never felt more free than when he was drifting about the dancefloor, leading his partner. He thought it was the closest you could get to flying while staying on the ground.

That's why, when he noticed you, he knew he had to have a dance. Thankfully, his regular partner, Julie, understood and agreed to the switch for the night (she was a great wingwoman). For as often as he was in his head, Bob usually never got nervous. He was nervous approaching you. He remembers it like it was yesterday. It was Lindy Hop night and you were wearing grey striped slacks, a white blouse with the sleeves rolled up to your elbows, and an old, beat up pair of white slip-on vans. He was in his usual button down and slacks. One look at you and he knew he was a goner. You looked a bit disheveled, hair haphazardly put up and out of your face, making small talk with a few other members of the group. He thought you looked ever so slightly out of place and that it was so, so endearing.

Eventually, he worked up the courage to ask you for a dance. It did take more than a few pep talks from Julie to get him to go over to you, but she didn't have to literally drag him there, so it was a success. He asked for a dance, holding out his hand. You said yes.

One dance turned into two, then three, and eventually you'd danced the whole night away. You'd exchanged numbers before going home and then you weren't just meeting once a week at the dance club. You were making time to see each other whenever possible. Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months. It had now been six months since you and Bob made it official and you couldn't be happier.

Now, it made sense with his job and his general personality why the rest of the Dagger Squad hadn't known about you. They'd had conversations about their love lives often, but Bob had never really volunteered much information. You two had a good thing going and he liked to keep good things to himself for a while. Plus, the conversation rarely ever got turned his way. Bob was... very unassuming. The rest of the squad, except for Nat, never really inquired much about Bob's love life. It's not like Bob was purposely keeping you from his friends— it just never really came up. Nat was the only one who knew Bob was seeing someone and she was keeping it close to her chest out of respect for her friend and WSO, but also in the event that it spawned a bet. A bet she would surely win.

Eventually, one evening at the Hard Deck, the Daggers were all discussing their love lives once again. Mickey turned to Bob and asked if he was seeing anyone.

"I am, actually." Bob felt 5 more pairs of eyes snap to him, a collective "what?!" buzzing in the air at their inquisitive looks.

"You're seeing someone?" Jake asked, partially stunned. Bob wasn't offended, he knew he presented as a bit of a wallflower, and he was okay with that.

"What, you jealous, Bagman?" Bradley couldn't help himself. Jake's gaze snapped to the other aviator, challenging. Despite them both being on... better terms after the uranium mission, they still liked to jab at each other. Jake was usually better at it— slow, persistent needling while keeping a calm and collected facade. Bradley was more direct, favoring an immediate reaction over slow buildup.

Before Jake could respond, Bob cut in, turning the focus back to him.

"Matter of fact, I am," He sat a little straighter, dusting his pants of remnants of the peanuts he was snacking on. Natasha took a swig from her beer to hide the sly grin that was threatening to break across her face.

"Romantically? You're seeing someone romantically?" Reuben questioned.

"Sure am." Bob pushed his glasses further up his nose. He was thinking about you and how he wished you'd been able to come out tonight. You had talked to Bob about coming by to meet his friends, but scheduling conflicts always arose.

"What's her name?" Mickey asked.

"What's she look like?" Nat played into it, ignoring the pointed look Bob shot her way. He was still thinking of you, particularly about how darling you looked when you writhed underneath him, but they didn't need to know about that. Instead, Bob refocused, a dreamy smile taking over his features and a rosy blush creeping up his neck, landing on his cheeks. He couldn't help but look at the ground for a few moments, then he relayed your name. It felt so natural falling from his lips. The squad was eager for more information.

"She's just... perfect. She's smart and funny and so, so beautiful. She's got these eyes that just... and her smile?" Bob sighs, he actually sighs.

"I don't buy it." Jake is the first to burst the bubble. "I mean, we ask you what she looks like and all you give us is "oh, her eyes, her smile"? No way," Jake throws back the rest of his drink. Mickey and Reuben nod, signaling their agreement. Natasha smiles devilishly to no one but herself.

"C'mon, Bagman, he's clearly telling the truth. I mean, look at him. He's actually lovesick." Bradley chimes in. He knows what a man in love looks like.

"Yeah, it's kind of disgusting," Javy pipes up, firmly siding with Bradley.

"Well boys," Nat claps Bob on the shoulder. "Looks like we have a bet on our hands." She watches the men around the high-top table, eyes sparkling with mischief. "Hundred dollars in the pot says Bob's mystery girl is real. You in?"

Nat pulls out five twenty dollar bills, placing them in the middle of the table. Bob watches in amusement.

"Steep price, Natty, but I'll bite." Jake throws his wager in as well.

Eventually, everyone put some money in the pot, much to Nat's satisfaction, even if she would have to split the prize money.

"Alright, alright... When and where can we meet your lovely lady?" Jake asks Bob, who is glancing down at his watch.

"Uhh, this Thursday at the San Diego Swing Dance Club. Seven-thirty, sharp. Wear something nice, but comfortable." With that, Bob was throwing on his jacket and out the door, headed home to see you. He wouldn't have left so abruptly, but you'd sent him a text and he wasn't going to keep you waiting.

The Daggers were even more perplexed. Well, all except for Nat, but the rest didn't need to know about it.

"San Diego Swing Dance Club?" Reuben was taken aback. Jake was thoroughly amused.

"Oh I have got to see this now."

-

The week flew by, and eventually it was Thursday evening. You were excited to finally meet Bob's friends, he talked about them so often. You'd be lying if you said you weren't a bit nervous, fretting over your outfit and hair more than usual, not to mention your makeup.

"Babydoll, you'll look beautiful no matter what you choose." Bob had been sitting on your bed for the better part of an hour now, as you agonized over your outfit choice.

You sighed, coming to sit next to him. "I just want to make a good first impression." You rest your head on his shoulder.

"I promise they'll like you no matter what you wear." Bob presses a kiss to your temple. You take a deep breath and close your eyes.

"I'll go with the plaid pants then."

Bob huffs out a laugh, "Alright, baby."

-

The Daggers arrived at seven-thirty, sharp. Just like Bob had told them. Nat sent Bob a text, letting him know that they'd arrived. He excused himself from the group to collect the rest of his friends. He was excited, happy to share one of his passions with the people he called friends. He was also happy to finally introduce his girl to the rest of his friends. Bob made his way over to the rest of the squad, clustered awkwardly by the main entrance of the dance hall.

"Glad you could make it!" Bob pulls Natasha in for a hug and greets the rest of the guys in a similar fashion.

"Wouldn't miss it for the world, Bobby." Jake says, eyes sweeping the room for a lady to take home for the night. Bradley and Javy were doing the same. Mickey and Reuben had brought partners for the evening— a double date.

The group fell into their usual rhythm, easy conversation and a few friendly jabs here and there. Almost forgetting the reason why they were there. Almost. Jake was just about to bring up the fact that they still had yet to meet Bob's mystery girl, when the intro to Thurston Harris' Little Bitty Pretty One started playing from the bandstand. It was jive night, which just so happened to be your favorite. Scanning the crowd, your eyes found Bob talking with his friends. 'Well, it's now or never,' you thought, and you were beelining towards your boyfriend so you could make it onto the floor for the first dance. Bob was just telling Nat about this new recipe he tried out for dinner when he felt a tug on his arm. He turned to look at you and smiled.

"Bobby c'mon, can't miss the first dance!"

He looked back at his friends, "Be right back," and Bob was off to the dancefloor with you. The Daggers watched as he whisked you away, stepping into a seamless jive. You felt like you were positively flying, floating through the air, feet touching every cloud. The way you and Bob danced together was something special. You could read each other in a way most dance partners wished they could. Feeling the music, keeping in time with the rhythm, anticipating and adapting to every move the other made. Improvisation was the purest form of art, the amount of trust placed in your partner is unlike anything else. You and Bob had something special, there was no denying that, especially as you were twirling across the floor.

"Who knew he could move like that?" Javy had to pick his jaw up off the floor.

"They make it look so effortless," Reuben looked utterly amazed.

Jake had to admit, he was impressed. Game recognizes game and damn it, Bob Floyd had game. It really was always the quiet ones. You were pretty, and you seemed fun. You seemed like you'd be good for Bob, even though they hadn't technically met you yet. Jake couldn't even be mad that he'd lost the bet. What he needed now was to learn how to dance like Bob because apparently, that was a great way to meet a lady. You and Bob were out of breath when you rejoined the group, introductions going a smooth as ever. You like the squad and the squad liked you. By the end of the night, you and Bob had shown everyone how to do a basic jive. Reuben, Mickey, and Javy caught on quickly, feeling comfortable enough to join the people out on the main floor. Bradley and Jake needed... help. Nat was managing, wanting a bit more time to figure the steps out before trying them on the floor.

Before everyone knew it, it was ten o'clock and the band was saying goodnight. You and Bob were saying your goodbyes, ready to head home. Once you and him were out the door, Natasha turned to Bradley and Javy.

"Alright, we split this three ways and make sure to absolutely rub it in Jake's face." Nat divvies up the cash and Bradley and Javy take their cuts. Javy gives a curt nod and a smile before walking to his car.

Bradley turns to Natasha. "Can I walk you to your car?" He offers his arm.

"Sure," Nat smiles and accepts.

[soahbee]

Just so that I don't always write you girls nice and cute things.

I didn't post anything yesterday because I was sulking.🙄 We had a bit of a fight (or something) Basically, he was pretty grumpy all day, so it looked like he wasn't in a good mood and to be honest, I must have made a mistake bc I wasn't respectful enough in his class. (??? idk)

Actually, I always listen and take notes in his class, but yesterday my bestie and I were so immersed in our nonsense that we often giggled softly and sometimes even wrote to each other under the bench. (now I won't go into detail about what we talked about bc it's irrelevant) R never spoke to us or warned us, I didn't think at all that we would disturb us because we were really very quiet and anyway I clearly paid attention to him and took some notes. and everyting seems good until the class ended and he called me by my full name. (Jesus *goosebumb*) I might add that he just gave my friend a nasty look, but didn't tell her to come over there, only just me.… ._.

"Next time, are you going to listen to me or have fun in my class?" I definitely remember his words, he asked so coolly that I was really embarrassed, but then I immediately responded that I'm sorry, my friend and I just wandered off a bit. Then his face still didn't soften, he stood up very sternly and leaned very close to me and said: "I really don't like being ignored in my class, especially if it's one of my best students. It's my class and your attention is mine, do you understand?"

After that, he didn't even allow me to answer because he just walked past me but pushed my shoulder a little with his arm. ( ???HAH???) What can I say, I was quite confused as to why he only screwed me when this happened to me for the first time!!!, but when other people do it several times, then they don't get scolded like that...

I don't think this is fair. I really always try to live up to him and yes, I didn't listen 120%, but I don't think he should have been so cold and condescending. Anyway, that was yesterday and then I didn't even talk to him all day and we didn't send any messages to each other.

Today he was like always, he seemed normal, but I'm an offended little girl, you know, so when he greeted me in the corridor, I just greeted back neutrally and he just smiled at me. (okay???)

I dont understand my man ummm but it was good to write this now.

[xxlady-lunaxx]

I thought you loved me pt.2 | {SaneGiyuu/SaneKana}

pt.1 | pt.2

Theme: Confusing angst? Idk how to describe this, at one point it gets more silly/fluffy and then lapses back into angst

Note: The pt. 1's picture was SaneGiyuu I think so this one was going to be SaneKana

but then i found this part of the manga AND IK THEY'RE TALKING ABT MASACHIKA BUT I HAD TO USE IT BC KANAE WAS THERE AND LIKE--

—Y'all it's not ShinoGiyuu they're just besties 🤩

×××

"What's wrong, Tomioka?"

Giyuu shrugged. He was sitting on the futon laid out for him in the room. 

Shinobu knelt down next to him, raising an eyebrow. "You're supposed to be resting."

"I tried," he mumbled. 

"Then try harder. What's keeping you awake?" she asked. 

"Nothing."

"Then sleep." She pushed him down, making him fall back onto the blankets. 

He sighed, staring up at the cealing.

"Either you tell me what's wrong or I'm going to force a sedative into your throat so you sleep," Shinobu said, after a moment of silence.

Giyuu groaned and sat up again, glaring at the ground. "It's nothing," he repeated.

She made to move to the door, as if she was going to get the sedative, and he grumbled. 

"Fine," he said. "Your sister is dating Shinazugawa, right?"

"Mhm?" Shinobu went back next to him, sitting down in front of him.

Why was he telling this girl about this again? 

"I..." He hesitated. Would she get mad at him? "I didn't know."

"Okay?" She raised an eyebrow. "Do you like her?"

"What? No!" He almost laughed at the absurdity. No, not her. "I kissed Shinazugawa yesterday," he blurted out, burying his head in his hands. 

"What?! But he's dating-... Oh. You didn't know," she said.

"I didn't know until today." 

"Why would he... Did he let you kiss him?" she asked, concern written in her features.

He looked up, his eyes meeting hers. "He initiated it." 

The concern morphed into confusion and then to anger and Shinobu shook her head rapidly, as if it would stop the truth from being true. "Why..?"

"I don't know. Do you know how long they've been dating for?" he asked, trying to find some hope in the situation. If it'd been for long, or even just a week ago, that'd mean Sanemi had cheated. He'd cheated on Kanae with Giyuu.

"For a while," Shinobu murmured. "Kanae didn't tell me till recently but she said it'd been for some time. They didn't tell anyone yet since they figured they'd rather find if they still wanted to be together before telling anyone or something."

"Oh." 

"Mhm."

They went quiet, unsure what to say. And then Shinobu said, "Alright, you try to rest. I'm... going to talk to Kanae."

"Wait!"

"Hm?"

Giyuu hesitated. "Tell her I didn't know she was dating Shinazugawa when we... it happened. I didn't. If I had, I wouldn't have let him do that," he said.

"Of course." She gave him a vague smile and left, closing the door behind her.

×××

"Kanae, listen to me, Shinazugawa cheated on you," Shinobu said, her expression oddly serious. 

Kanae raised an eyebrow. "I understand you're not the most fond of him but I'd appreciate it if you didn't go that far," she said, sighing.

"I'm not-"—she sighed—"No! He is, Kanae, really. I'm not lying and making stuff up! Yes, he's a bitch and I hate him, but I wouldn't do anything to stop you from being happy unless it was genuine," Shinobu said, crossing her arms. 

A crease of concern formed in between Kanae's brows and she paused. "I... don't think Sanemi would do that," she murmured.

"He did."

"With who?" Kanae asked, quietly.

Shinobu sighed. "Tomioka-san. He didn't know you two were dating until today. He'd thought that Shinazugawa was single and... Tomioka realized you two were dating today, I suppose. He'd seen the two of you at the park and had figured it out."

"What did they do?" Kanae said, almost dreading the answer.

"As far as I know, they simply kissed. By the way, in case you think Sanemi pushed him away or something, he was the one that kissed Tomioka." Shinobu's gaze hardened and she glared at the ground. "We need to talk to Shinazugawa."

Kanae shook her head, backing away slightly. "He wouldn't do that, right?"

"You think Tomioka would lie about it? It seems logical for someone to lie to break them up so they can end up with one of them, but Tomioka doesn't appear to be a person who'd do that, no? I had to force it out of him anyway," Shinobu said, a hint of a smile forming on her face before dropping away.

"I... doubt Tomioka-San would do that. Truly. But... Sanemi? He'd... do that?" Kanae asked meekly.

Shinobu sighed. "Only one way to find out."

Almost as if on cue, Sanemi walked down the hallway the two were talking in and gave them a curious look.

"Is everything alright? Why do you two look so stressed?" Sanemi asked, moving to wrap an arm around Kanae.

Kanae flinched away and Sanemi raised his hands in surrender. 

"Sorry... What happened?" he asked uncertaintly, backing away slightly to give Kanae some space.

"To put it bluntly, a source tells us that you're cheating on Kanae," Shinobu said, her eyes narrowed in suspicion, trying to read Sanemi's expression.

Sanemi's eyes widened and he shook his head rapidly. "The hell? I wouldn't do that!" he said, sounding incredulous.

"Hmm, so you never kissed Tomioka?" Shinobu asked, raising an eyebrow, her hands on her hips.

Kanae stood by the side, looking nervous and unsure of herself.

"Tomioka? Fuck no! Why the hell would I kiss him?" Sanemi spat, crossing his arms. 

"I'll give you credit for your acting, but Tomioka told me earlier about it. And he's not one to lie about this, I'm sure," Shinobu said, her voice irritated.

"I didn't! And with him, even less so!" Sanemi rolled his eyes, backing away subtly.

"You think he'd lie about it?" Shinobu shot back.

"He did! I did not kiss him," he grumbled.

A door opened and the three turned to it.

Giyuu trudged towards them, looking tired. "Why are you shouting?" he mumbled. Then he saw the three of them and their expressions and started to back away. "I'll... go."

"No, uhm, can you... stay here?" Kanae asked, reaching towards him then, thinking better of it, dropped her arm to her side.

Giyuu hesitated but then sighed and nodded, moving forward. 

Shinobu raised an eyebrow at Sanemi. "Will you care to explain now?" she asked.

"There's nothing to explain," Sanemi said tensely. "I didn't kiss him."

Giyuu flinched. "What are we talking about?" he asked uncertainly.

"You," Shinobu said, "and Shinazugawa."

"Oh."

Kanae looked down.

Sanemi's eyes narrowed. "There's nothing between us. He's delusional," he said, irritated.

"I'm not!" Giyuu said, huffing childishly.

The scarred Hashira rolled his eyes. "Whatever makes you sleep better at night."

"Don't be rude," Kanae scolded. 

Sanemi sighed.

"Okay, why don't we start from the beginning," Shinobu said, poising a hand on her hip like an annoyed mother, despite being the youngest there. "Tomioka?"

"Hm..?"

"Tell us your side of the story," she said, leaning against the wall.

"O... Okay," Giyuu mumbled. "Me and Shinazugawa kissed yesterday and today I found out that he and Koch-... Ehm, Kanae are dating." 

"Bullshit," Sanemi muttered. 

Kanae looked nervously between the two.

"Shinazugawa, you go next," Shinobu said, raising an eyebrow at him when he stayed silent.

"I never kissed that dumbass." 

"Hm, and Kanae? Your thoughts?" Shinobu asked.

"I... Both of their... what they said are plausible. I don't know," Kanae mumbled. 

Giyuu looked down. "If you'd rather believe what Shinazugawa said, I wouldn't mind. I'm sorry for getting in the way of your relationship," he said quietly.

Kanae shook her head. "If what you said is true—"

"—and it's not," Sanemi interrupted.

Kanae gave him a look that silenced him, allowing her to continue. "If what you said is true," she repeated, "then I'm not sure what I'd do with... our relationship. I just... don't know if I could go on, knowing full well he kissed someone else during the time we'd been dating. A man, if anyone..." 

"I understand," Giyuu said, nodding slowly. 

Shinobu stayed silent, giving the three Hashira a bit more space now that she'd started them off.

"I didn't kiss him! I swear, Kanae, please, believe me," Sanemi said, stepping towards her. He was starting to sound desperate. 

Kanae stepped back. "I don't know what to believe," she admitted. 

"Trust me!" Sanemi pleaded.

Giyuu watched him, his eyes catching onto the way Sanemi's hand clenched at his side, knowing full well he might not win her trust over.

"I just... I trust both of you, as people. I can't... choose," she mumbled. 

Sanemi went silent and he averted his eyes.

Shinobu sighed, knowing that they'd hit a dead end again. "Alright, let's go through this a different way." 

"Why do you have to help, you're not involved and you're not a Hashira, for fucks sake," Sanemi spat through his anger.

"Sanemi! She's my sister!" Kanae said, looking almost hurt, though the words had been directed to Shinobu.

"Yes, that. And also because the three of you aren't making any progress on your own," Shinobu said, rolling her eyes. "You need fresh eyes, that's what." 

Sanemi grumbled but didn't say anything more of the matter.

"Right. Tomioka, do you like Shinazugawa?" Shinobu said, changing the subject.

Giyuu, who had been mostly listening through the conversation, looked up at his name. "What?" 

"Do you like him? You kissed him, no?" Shinobu said, tilting her head slightly.

"We did not kiss," Sanemi said. 

Shinobu ignored him, her gaze set on Giyuu.

The other two Hashira stared at him and he cowered under their gazes, though none of them were taller than him; Sanemi was practically around his height, if slightly taller, so he didn't count either.

"You can tell the truth," Kanae said reassuringly, as if she wasn't asking someone if they liked her boyfriend.

Giyuu hesitated, his eyes flicking down nervously. "Maybe," he said eventually.

Kanae let out a breath and Shinobu clapped her hands, clasping them together. "There, that wasn't too hard, hm?" she said, smiling at him. "Very well. Kanae, you like Shinazugawa, correct?"

Her sister nodded.

"And Shinazugawa, which of them do you like?" Shinobu said.

Everyone's gaze was on Sanemi now and he swallowed, hesitating for a beat. "Kanae," he said. 

Shinobu paused. "Hm, and is the hesitance because everyone's watching or because you also like Tomioka?" she asked, putting emphasis on the word 'also.' 

Sanemi narrowed his eyes but didn't answer.

Giyuu stared at him curiously. It wasn't so hard to say he didn't like him. He'd already said he would never kiss him, so what was so hard about this?

Kanae appeared to be thinking the same thing because she said, "If you like him, please do not be afraid to say so. Whether it's because you dislike me or because you like the both of us... Lies only hinder our trust (kotlc ref???/hj), Sanemi, please. It's okay if you say so." 

Shinobu nodded along with her words. "You should be glad she's giving you so many chances, Shinazugawa. I would've dumped you right then and there," she said, a smirk lilting her lips for a second.

Sanemi glared at her. "Fuck off." He turned to Kanae. "I... do like you. I could never dislike you," he said, conspiciously avoiding saying anything about Giyuu.

"And Tomioka-San? What do you think of him?" Kanae asked, more curiousity in her voice than a sense of distrust or hurt.

Giyuu watched Sanemi closely, waiting with a bated breath. What did he think of him? Why had he kissed him?

"H...He..." Again, Sanemi hesitated, his gaze dropping to the floor for a beat before back up to Kanae. He turned away from her. "He can go fuck himself," he murmured.

Giyuu sighed internally, though he should've expected this and no more, no less. Of course that would be the answer. No matter what Sanemi thought, he wouldn't say anything more. He wouldn't dare, especially not in front of the Kocho's and their stares.

Shinobu, on the other hand, had other thoughts about this so-called statement. "You keep hesitating, Shinazugawa. Be truthful." She narrowed her eyes then, glaring intently at Sanemi. "What do you think about Tomioka."

Sanemi let out an exaggerated sigh. "I already said what I think about that piece of shit!! Stop asking," he snapped.

"I said, you constantly hesitate before you say that. If you don't like him, just say it! What's there to think about?" Shinobu asked, irritated.

"Shinobu, it's okay," Kanae said quietly.

Giyuu nodded in assent. "He doesn't like me, he already said that. I should leave," he murmured.

Shinobu raised an eyebrow. "Fine, then one last thing."

"Hm?"

"Shinazugawa, you did kiss Tomioka, right?" Shinobu asked, turning to Sanemi again.

Sanemi paused. "Why are we back to that question? I already said I didn't," he said, apt on his response. (that doesn't make sense does it)

"Yet Tomioka says you did. He says you kissed him. It's not that hard to just say you did," she said. "Kanae already accepted that you might've, so why don't you just admit it? It would've made everything go by more quickly."

Sanemi glared at her, momentarily forgetting about the others. "Because Kanae would fucking break up with me if I said I did!!" he shouted. Then, realizing what he said, shut his mouth and turned away. 

"See? That wasn't so hard?" Shinobu said, her tone mocking.

Kanae opened her mouth several times to say something, faltering each time.

Giyuu averted his eyes. "I'm sorry," he mumbled, though none of it was his fault. 

"Don't be," Kanae assured him.

"Should... I go now?" Giyuu asked, almost hopeful. 

"No," Shinobu said abruptly, placing a hand on his arm. "Both of you, do you still like him? Somehow?" 

Kanae and Giyuu nodded slowly, uncertain where this was going.

"Shinazugawa?" she asked. "Do you like either of them more, or did you lose feelings for the two or...?" 

Sanemi hesitated. "Yes." 

"What do you mean, 'yes'?" she asked irritably. 

"I still do."

"That's not explanatory enough, but I'll take it. Now," Shinobu continued, "Tomioka, Kanae, are the two of you up to being... chosen? As in, would you mind if he picked from the two of you who he'd rather date? At least, assuming Shinazugawa's still hung up on the both of you."

Kanae and Giyuu nodded again simutaneously.

"Well, Shinazugawa, why don't you pick then?" Shinobu said, looking like this was almost amusing to her. "I can give you three some space here." She turned and marched away, leaving the three Hashira in silence.

"You can pick Kocho-san," Giyuu said, after a beat. "I know you'd rather date her, so..."

They lapsed back into silence before Sanemi shook his head. 

"Can I just... apologize first?" he said quietly. 

The other two looked at him in surprise.

"Uhm. Okay?" Kanae said. Giyuu nodded.

"I'm sorry, Kanae, for... that. I didn't mean- No, well, I did. I just... I don't know. I don't know what got into me. When I kissed him," Sanemi mumbled. "I do love you. I kind of just... got ahead of myself."

Kanae gave him a wavering smile. "It's alright, Sanemi. You love him too, don't you?" she asked. 

Sanemi hesitated, then nodded. It was a small motion but it meant everything to Giyuu and he stepped back, processing this. 

"You... do?" he asked. 

Sanemi let out a sound that sounded like a mixture of a sigh and a groan. "Sure." The answer was vague but it was still a yes.

Giyuu gave him a ghost of a smile. "Hm, you can pick Kocho-San, you know," he murmured. "That's enough for me."

Kanae shook her head. "No, I don't mind if you pick Tomioka."

Sanemi rolled his eyes. "We're not getting anywhere. Besides... how am I supposed to fucking pick?"

"You've been dating Kocho-San for a while and only had a slight interaction with me, I think she'd be the easier pick," Giyuu encouraged.

"But sometimes new is better! He may get bored of me eventually, or maybe he already did, so he'll want you instead," Kanae urged. 

"I'm sure I was just a small thing of trying something new, he won't want me for long," he insisted.

"He wanted to try something new because I was growing uninteresting to date so he'll go back to you," she said. 

"Uhm... You know you're debating about how I feel?" Sanemi asked, staring at them.

The two flushed and apologized quickly.

Sanemi laughed. "You're both so similar," he said, more to himself then to them.

"Is that why you liked both of us?" Giyuu asked curiously.

"Like," Sanemi corrected. "Present tense. And... no. You're different from each other as well. Personality-wise."

"I can see that," Kanae agreed. "Tomioka-San is talking a lot more than usual today."

Giyuu blushed. "I... there's a lot to say," he murmured. 

"Indeed," she said, nodding.

Sanemi sighed. "Can I wait to choose? I can't really... just... choose," he mumbled.

"Mhm, of course," Kanae said cheerfully.

Giyuu nodded. "I still say you should choose her, though. She seems the most logical solution."

Kanae poked him playfully and he shrugged.

"Well, it doesn't make it easier," Sanemi said. "It's like saying, 'I hate you,' to whoever I don't pick."

"I mean you technically already told me that, so I don't mind," Giyuu said, smiling slightly.

Sanemi shook his head. "Fuck you too."

Shinobu, who seemed to have been eavesdropping, appeared back in the hallway. "You three are so incompetent sometimes," she tsked, shaking her head.

Kanae pouted and Giyuu ignored her.

"Shut up," Sanemi said. 

Shinobu grinned. "Welp, now that you three have resolved it slightly, why don't we leave Shinazugawa to question his life deci- I mean, to think about it. Nee-San and Tomioka-San, you two can train or something. I'm going to go train as well." 

"Okay!" Kanae said, smiling. 

"I'll go home," Giyuu offered. "I have something to attend to." 

"Alright, then it's settled." Shinobu pushed Giyuu out the door and shooed Sanemi away. "Sayonara, Tomioka! I'll see you a different day." 

Giyuu nodded and the door shut. 

He sighed. That had to be the most eventful hour of his life. 

××× 

Shinobu sent out a crow to Sanemi and Giyuu a week later, telling them to go to the Butterfly mansion to discuss the topic once more. 

She said Sanemi had had enough time to think about it but the Hashira suspected that she was simply growing impatient, though she had nothing to do with any of this. 

So, Giyuu and Sanemi made their way to the Butterfly Estate, anticipation running through their breaths as they both arrived at the same time. 

Shinobu greeted them, smiling in a way that made Sanemi uncertain whether he should've come or not.  

"Hello," she said. "Kanae's on a mission, it being nearly sunrise, so she'll be back in a bit. Her mission wasn't too far. Come inside." 

Giyuu walked in and Sanemi followed, closing the door behind him. 

"Are either of you hungry? I can make some tea and something small of a snack, if you want?" Shinobu offered. 

"I'm fine," Giyuu said. 

"Same." Sanemi looked around, his mind racing. The hell was he supposed to say? 

There was a loud pecking at the window and Shinobu turned, noticing the crow who was trying to enter. 

She opened the window, letting in the poor crow. 

"What's wrong?" she asked, stroking its feathers carefully. 

The crow looked hesitant at first, but of course it might've been because it was currently gasping for air.

"Flower Hashira, Kanae Kocho, was defeated by Uppermoon Two. You must attend to her immediately," the crow cawed, after a beat. It continued on saying her location but the three had already made their way out of the Butterfly Estate, rushing to the said place.

Upon arriving, Shinobu sprinted to her elder sister who lay on the ground, blood coating Kanae's front. 

"Kanae!" Shinobu and Sanemi shouted in unison, fear lacing their voices.

Shock filtered through Giyuu's expression and he hovered behind the other two as they crowded around the fallen Hashira.

{Word count: 3315}

I'm evil

I'm also lazy

and we're at 3000 words 

[melodygatesauthor]

Okay guys, I can't believe it's been a full year since I published the first chapter of my first fanfiction story and I'm still going strong today. - (Side note...it was actually yesterday but I wanted to get all my fics posted to AO3 so I could get an accurate word count and tell you all what I've done so...it took me an extra day)

This is going to be a really long post, and I thank everyone in advance for reading all the way through if you make it. I'm taking a moment to allow myself to talk about my accomplishments over the last year, my goals for this next year, and gas myself up just a bit. As an artist, it's really hard to talk about myself in a positive light without being critical, but I'm going to do it anyway. No one asked, but this is one of the ways I wanna celebrate my ficversary so...I'm gonna do it lol.

My First Fanfic Ever

I'd like to start by sharing my beginnings with writing. If I really think back to the very first fanfiction I wrote, I thought it was a Gorillaz fic (which I still have a handwritten copy of in my closet lol), but it wasn't. I think the very first fanfic I wrote technically was a Pirates of the Caribbean fic when I was 11. I didn't even realize that's what it was, I just knew that I was SO into POTC that I wanted to write about it. It had just come out by the way, so I'm really dating myself. This was...2003.

We had this thing we had to do for school, it was like a writing assignment or something, one of those big ones that they gave you, a standardized whatever. I managed to find a way to spin it into a POTC related thing and I went OFF writing this story. It had its own twists and turns unrelated to POTC, but it was a fanfic through and through.

The Beginning of My Fan Art

When I was 12 I started listening to Good Charlotte, to a point that it was my entire personality. Everyone who knew me, knew I loved them. Every fucking art project I had in middle school (7th and 8th grade) was revolved around this band, particularly Joel Madden.

My love for them has come and gone, but I still remember how I felt at the time (not unlike how I feel toward Oscar Isaac now lol). I mean my art teacher literally had to be like "I want you to branch out, you can't make everything about them." And as an adult, I'm wondering -why the fuck not but- ...I digress.

The First Fanfic I Ever "Published"

When I was 12 (or maybe closer to 13), I became OBSESSED with the Gorillaz. When I say obsessed I mean...I listened to the album Demon Days on repeat until it fucking broke. I changed my G's when I would write by hand to match the G in their logo. I made tons of fan art and it was a damn vibe. This was the first time I really discovered fanfiction and learned what it was.

I remember reading one fanfic from some girl on this website (I'm really dating myself here, some of you will know what site this is...) Quizilla. Quizilla was THE site at the time (other than LiveJournal I think, but I never used LiveJournal and didn't know it existed at the time) for fanfiction and what you would now call "buzzfeed quizzes". This girl's writing inspired me to write my own fanfic, which I handwrote and kept in a green folder which, as I said, I still have to this day sitting in my closet.

My very first fic, and yes at 13, included some romance, some non-con (don't fucking ask me why idk even how I knew about that at 13. I was never exposed to this type of thing as a child fortunately) and other nonsense. I published it on this site, and it made me really happy. I don't remember if anyone ever read it or not tbh, but it will forever hold a place in my heart <3

My Best Friend/Emo Era

I met my best friend in high school when I was about 14. She and I are still close to this day. Not as close, but I can still tell her my most unhinged thoughts and she loves me regardless. We met because we both wrote fanfiction and lost our minds over the fact that we did. Thus started my emo era.

She was into My Chemical Romance, and I was into The Used. 2005 was a time lol. The two of us had either a binder or a composition notebook where we'd handwrite our fics and pass them back and forth between classes. I still have the ones I wrote tucked away in my house. When we'd read them she and I would leave little notes in the margins like we all leave comments today.

Most of these fics never got published, they were just for us to enjoy. I did, however, publish a fic when I was about 15, that I wrote to completion. Quizilla ended up going down, and most of us moved to Mibba.com instead, which is still a website.

Edit: I looked at Mibba, and it looks like the website is still there, but you can't search for anything, so Mibba is gone too. Not gonna lie, broke my nostalgic heart just a bit to see...Some fics I wrote on there will be gone forever. Maybe for the best, but it's still kinda sad.

The Avenged Sevenfold Era

When I tell you that Avenged Sevenfold has been my favorite band since I was 15, I'm dead ass. Are they the best band ever? Not by a long shot, but damn the way I still lose my shit over them is unhinged. Anyone who was around during this time fucking knows...they were fucking HOT. Matt Shadows really had the bulky but not shredded body type going on, they all kinda did, and I'm so here for it.

Why I'll never post any of the fics I wrote during this time, even if I get my hands on them...

I wrote them when I was 15, and I was writing about things 15 year olds shouldn't write about.

You don't know cringe until you've read those fics.

It's about real people and I'm not a fan of rpf anymore. I'm all for writing whatever you want and fiction being fiction but there's something that gives me the ick about real people fiction. No offense to anyone who writes it, that's just my feelings.

The way these guys had a hold on me for the next 5 years was ridiculous. I wrote about them a lot, by hand, on my laptop, however I could. I had so many unhinged ideas and stories it's insane. I loved every minute of it, and I always look back on this as my true start into fanfiction.

The End of an Era

All good things come to an end. After graduation, my best friend and I stayed in touch, but grew apart. I went to college and continued writing fanfic. I was pursuing a major in graphic design with a minor in creative writing. I was convinced that even though I was writing fanfiction, I was going to write a book too and it would be a bestseller.

As time went on, probably when I was about 20 or 21, I kinda stopped writing fanfiction all together. My friend wasn't really writing it anymore, and the community around Avenged Sevenfold was slowing down. I was also in the middle of a breakup and it was a whole thing, so I kinda stopped writing around this time.

I'd also, unfortunately, felt like fanfiction was for kids/teens, so didn't feel the need to continue writing anymore. I didn't want to seem like a loser writing fanfiction in my twenties...so I didn't.

For the record, you're not a loser for writing fanfiction. It's a very valid artform and it's fun. We only live for so long, so enjoy it doing what makes you happy, period. I'll probably be writing in my 50s I fucking hope lol.

Anyway, at that time, that's how I felt. I now know it's bullshit to think that way. So fanfiction fizzled out for me, and I kinda moved on to other things.

My Not-fanfiction Era

What was I doing instead of writing? Going through an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship, working on trying to build what I thought was the 'dream' (marriage, kids, a house, e.t.c.), working and playing video games.

Fortunately that relationship ended. After years of therapy (which he told me I needed because he gaslit me into thinking I was crazy lol), I grew the balls to finally tell him to fuck off and leave. It was the best decision I ever made, especially considering this was JUST before COVID hit. I shudder to this day thinking about the fact that I was almost stuck in a house with that freak during lockdown.

When that relationship ended I moved back to Maine to be with my family. I missed them and had spent basically my entire 20s in another state with some loser.

Back to Fanfiction - Kylo Ren Era

So how did I get back here? How did I get back into writing and creating fan art? The truth is, a switch literally flipped in my brain over this guy right here...

I mean...

The funny thing is, I wasn't SUPER into Star Wars before this. I liked it, I'd seen the sequel trilogy in theaters, but to me it was just a movie series. I was literally watching a Sam Collins video on YouTube where he made fun of a Kylo Ren cosplayer's thirst trap on TikTok and was like...oh that's actually kinda hot.

Thought nothing of it though, just moved on with my day...until I dreamt about him too. And then I felt this spark inside me that I couldn't shake. I literally was like...👀 something is happening here.

So I remembered this feeling from when I was a teen and recognized the impending obsession immediately. I actually googled "is fanfiction still relevant" and "is it ok to write fanfiction as an adult?"

The short answers are - yes - and - of course it is -. This was how I discovered the VERY popular Kylo Ren fic Fix Your Attitude by Kassanovella. I read it in a matter of a week, and in that time I started writing my own fic. I also rewatched ALL the Star Wars movies, and then continued rewatching the sequel trilogy on repeat just so I could get Kylo Ren's character down. I wanted to make sure I captured his voice and personality perfectly. - When I say I watched the sequel trilogy 20 times, it's not an exaggeration, I had it on constantly.-

The fic I wrote was called, Yes, Master

The first chapter of that fic was published on 09/05/2022 (one year ago today), and the last chapter was published on 10/14/2022 with a word count of 100,701. Not only is it the longest fic I've written of all the fics I've done, but it's the one I wrote the fastest. I was posting a chapter a day every day until it was finished. I mean...I literally went OFF on this story. I was so proud of it that I went to lulu.com and made myself a physical copy of it that I intend to read as part of this celebration I'm doing lol.

Wondering if anyone would be interested in me revamping this story (rewriting and updating it) and posting here? I would definitely do it if there was enough interest.

I then wrote a sequel called By Your Side which taught me SO MUCH. Here's what I learned when creating this sequel...

Not everything needs a sequel.

Writing a chapter a day isn't realistic.

I should've planned a full outline before diving into this fic.

I'm not into pregnancy fics/domestic fics all that much as far as longfics go.

It's okay to genuinely dislike something you've written and you should try to learn from that.

By Your Side is still to this day one of my least favorite fics (if not my LEAST favorite). I am still proud of myself for finishing it, (it sits at a hefty 85,599 words). I don't have to love it though. I'm just grateful for what I learned in the process of writing it and proud of myself for finishing it despite being sick of it by chapter 8 and still writing 20 chapters after that.

I also wrote my very first Yandere fic, Just You. It's a bit darker, in my opinion, than The Fractured Moon. This fic was a blast to write, and it felt very freeing to write something so disturbing. It was fun to just let myself get into a dark headspace without holding back and not feeling bad about it. It was more

The Rainbow Six Siege Era

During my time writing for Kylo, I went back to a video game I used to play a lot, Rainbow Six Siege. My Oscar Era bleeds into the Kylo and R6S era a little but I'll talk about that soon.

The Siege fandom was an interesting one...one that I'll probably not go back to much, though I may still write a little fic for it here and there as I feel inspired to. I won't dive too much into this as I know most of you are Oscar fans, but I'll mention my accomplishments here and the things I learned.

I wrote another novel-length fic for this fandom called The Recruit and the Hunter which has another 83,888 words. I actually LOVE this story, and still look back on it fondly. It was a fun one to write, and I really challenged myself to write less smut for it, and I succeeded. It focused heavily on the relationship that built between the main pairing and in my opinion it's one of my better slow-burns I've done.

Why did I leave this fandom?

Well, I'm not going to throw shade, I don't like doing that unless I have to, so I'll keep it brief. The long and the short of it is this...

The readers were getting EXTREMELY demanding. I have comments on RATH of people saying things like "I'm going to be upset if you don't give us a happy ending" and "there better be smut or I swear...". It can get really discouraging as a writer when people seem to say "I love your fic but I'll only continue to love it if you do xyz." It puts us in a dilemma, and makes it hard for us to find a balance between providing fan service, and doing what's fun for us to write. It definitely changed the outcome of RATH and I'm not happy that I gave in like that.

The requests I got were confusing and downright weird. I didn't do some of the really weird ones, and I'm not meaning to kink shame, but it was just very niche things that I couldn't get myself into. I think part of why I felt obligated to provide fan service like I mentioned in the point above, and why I caved and wrote some fanfics for these more unique requests, is because this fandom is very small, and I felt an obligation to provide.

Some of the other writers in the fandom are fucking rude. I'm not going to mention names, like I said, but I had very poor experiences with several writers in the fandom, and since I was also integrating into the Oscar fandom at the time, I could see a stark difference in the way I was being accepted in one, versus the way I was being pushed away in the other. There aren't a lot of x reader writers in the R6S fandom, and I was one of them, and there seems to be some animosity between the people who ship characters, versus the people who write x reader and that's where this mistreatment came from. I don't know, I tried making friends over there, and felt like I was getting pushed out.

So anyway, it's not for me anymore, but I still think back to certain parts of it fondly, and I may write a little more here and there as I see fit.

The Oscar Isaac Era

This really is THE era, isn't it?

As I was working on the last 10 or so chapters of Yes, Master, and after my 12th time rewatching the sequel trilogy movies, I started to fall for Poe Dameron, naturally. How could I not? I mean look at him...

So I decided that I would give Poe a prequel to my Yes, Master story called One Hell of a Pilot. This fic was so fun to write, and it's how I became involved with the Oscar Isaac community in the first place. Immediately I started following Dee, and through her I found Mona, and it was just snowballing from there. Whitney and Romana were some of the first to follow me and my shenanigans.

In December, which is when I started writing One Hell of a Pilot, another novel-length fic that ended with 80,517 words, is when I started reading Dee's fics, along with Mona's and many others. I saw their interactions and felt excited by the prospect of making new friends who were just as into some of this stuff as I was. A place that I could be myself and lose my shit over this idiot and not be judged.

I had no idea what the hell I was getting myself into.

It all started with a fic that Dee had written, I can't remember which one, probably a dbf!Santi fic, and I asked the innocent question of...

What movie is this from?

Oh shit...I didn't realize what the fuck I was getting myself into. After she told me it was Triple Frontier and I should watch it, my brother and I watched it right away. I told him a friend of mine suggested it. The way we spent the entire 1.5 hours laughing at how bad it was is still a memory I hold dear to my heart. I still didn't know at the time that this loser (Oscar my beloved) would hold a place in my heart from that day on.

My first Santi fic was a headcanon about Santi w/ a plussize reader that I called Preciously Plump. A headcanon that later got a full fic, appropriately named Preciously Plump the One-shot.

So then I read something about Moon Knight, and between Dee and Mona shoving me into it (peer pressure ftw) I caved and watched the show.

Phew...

That gave way to the first Moon Knight fic I ever wrote, How Unexpected which came out on January 3rd, 2023 of this year. I was sure that between Steven's adorable nerdy behavior, and Marc's tough exterior, I'd be head over heels for those two. I was nervous to even TOUCH Jake, because I didn't know shit about his character, and the last thing I wanted to do was write a character without it sounding like them.

I was also afraid at the time of writing the Moon Boys with DID because I didn't know anything about it, and I didn't want to misrepresent something like that. After some time went by, I got my bearings, and started working on A Bit Dodgy.

ABD is definitely one of the fics I'm most proud of. I had learned a lot from my past fics I'd written, Yes, Master, e.t.c., and figured out what it was that works best when I'm writing to not only keep myself interested, but to create a good balance between smut for smut's sake, and pushing the story forward.

When I first started writing ABD, I was sure it was going to be a 30-40 chapter fic, but as I started writing it more, I realized quickly that a lot of the chapters were just porn. Is there anything wrong with that? No...but as someone who's written nearly a million words in this past year, I don't feel the need to draw my chaptered fics out with smut just to say I wrote something x chapters or x words wrong.

That's why ABD ended up getting cut down SO MUCH from my original plan. I just made some decisions that I felt maximized the story more and used the smut as a major plot device, rather than the fic revolving around smut as the plot...if that makes any sense lol. I'm happy to say, that as of today, A Bit Dodgy has concluded, though it's the only fic I've ever finished with such a heavy heart.

I was an Oscar stan HARD after that, diving into Sucker Punch and other silly little movies filled with that silly little man whom I love so so much.

Statistics

Numbers aren't important when it comes to kudos (AO3) and likes (Tumblr) so I'm not focusing on those. What I am going to focus on...is my personal accomplishments. Like I said, I don't normally toot my own horn, but I fucking wrote A LOT this year, and I'm going to take a minute to pat myself on the back.

So NOT including my random blurbs (since I'm not bothering to cross-post those)...

My total word count from 09/05/2022-09/05/2023 is (drumroll please):

791,829 words

OH

EM

GEE

I had thought I would've hit a million by now but I am NOT going to complain. By the grace of the horny demon that runs the smut factory in my brain, I've written more than I ever even thought possible.

In the Moon Knight fandom alone, I've written:

238,950 words

I think the only fandom I've written more for is Star Wars, but I'd have to add it all up and I'm not doing that rn haha.

Just kidding it's:

368,566 words

----

I wrote 6 novel-length fics, a total of 147 works, MK holds the record for most fics I've written at a whopping 82 fics!

----

It's shocking to look back and see what I've accomplished, and to look forward to seeing what else I can do. I know that this next year I won't have the same word count, probably not even close.

I'm focusing a lot on drawing now as well as writing, plus I'm working on my first novel that I'd like to publish so things will definitely be slowing down. I'm going to continue writing, but the speed at which I churn out fics will be slower in the future.

In Conclusion

Thank you all for the support throughout this year. There's no way in HELL I would've had the drive and desire to continue writing if not for the amazing community (most the Oscar Isaac community lol) behind me. It's not just the kudos and the reblogs, it's the people who I've grown to know since joining the world of fandom.

I never had a ton of IRL friends, and I live alone (happily btw) with my dog. Being able to make some friends here that I genuinely call friends, not just people I know online, has meant the world to me. I would list everyone out, but I have a fear of accidentally forgetting to tag someone despite how much they mean to me so I'll leave it at...those people know who they are.

And to my readers (I hesitate to use the word "fans", that makes it sound so conceited), thank you to the moon and back. Without out, I wouldn't have had the drive to keep going. Kudos, Likes and Reblogs aren't everything, I can't stress that enough, but they do help keep the drive alive. (Particularly the comments). Without the little boost of excitement I get when I see that other people are just excited about what I'm doing as I am, I probably would've given up ages ago.

You all are the reason that this was even possible.

With all that being said, I have a small celebration planned that I'll announce later tonight. In the mean time, stay amazing. You keep supporting me, and I'll keep providing the fics that you all love so much

Love, Melly

[julemmaes]

prompt for nessian: nesta and gwyn come to pick up emerie from a frat party (idk why) but the only way for them to leave is for nesta and gwyn to beat eris and balthazar at beer pong. cassian wants to tell eris to fuck off but nesta has it handled

The way I've been playing with this prompt in my head since you sent it it's embarrassing. The amount of ideas I got for this, stop me rn

Also I posted another Nessian lil thingie yesterday night in case you missed it

Word count: ~2.3k

The loud music coming from inside the frat house was making the windows shake and the faint rumble of the glass had Nesta grimace in disgust. 

She didn't hate drunk people, she certainly loved music and she'd have kissed someone's feet if there was even the slight chance they could free her from the awful torment that finals week was just so she could freely attend a well-organized party. But frats, on the other hand. 

There had been a time during her first year where Greek row had been her home, she'd lived and breathed their parties, made pacts with the devils—only to be brutally rejected by everyone she'd called a friend after she broke up with her ex.

Nesta hated frats, despised them. And it was personal.

Reaching behind her and taking Gwyn's hand in hers in a silent agreement not to let go, she walked right into the beast's den, welcoming the stench of testosterone, alcohol and smoke. 

The air was stifling and the heat was already making her sweat. The floors were sticky and Nesta remembered all the mornings she'd been put on cleaning duty.

Entering the wide living room, she went up on her toes, searching the faces for a familiar one that didn't give her shivers.

Emerie had texted them that her dd had bailed on her and left her behind and she was lucky both Nesta and Gwyn had been studying in the library and not already asleep. 

But she wasn't picking up her calls and Nesta was getting antsy, so here they were.

"Let's check the backyard!" Gwyn shouted over the music after looking for Emerie in all the rooms. 

A few people in passing said hi to them, even seeming surprised to see her in the house. Nesta didn't stop for a single one of them, she just wanted to get her friend and leave.

The moment they walked out back, fresh air hit her face and she took a deep breath. The music was somewhat muffled here and only a few small groups where outside, chilling as the party was coming to an end.

"C'mon, Ems, you told me you'd play with me tonight. You can't leave." 

The sentence snapped her attention to the pool, where Eris Vanserra was standing next to Emerie, blocking her way. 

From their standing point, Nesta could perfectly see her friend's face when it crumbled into utter revulsion. 

"Oh boy, did you just call me Ems?" She asked, scoffing. "Do I look like an ambulance to you?" 

Gwyn snorted next to Nesta as they started walking towards the pair. 

Eris' laugh made Nesta irrationally furious, but nothing compared to what his next words roused.

"Listen, you made a promise. You're not leaving until you beat me."

Oh, fuck no. 

Nesta was almost to them, ready to push the fucker into the water and be done with whatever the fuck this was, but someone else piped in. 

A low, gravelly voice, belonging to the man of the hour. It was hard not to recognize his timbre when he personally invited the entire university to attend his team's games every other hour through the speakers scattered across their campus. 

"Leave the girl alone, Van Boy. You sound a word closer to a restraining order." 

Nesta's eyebrows shot up. Cassian Navarro helping her friend out against his teammate wasn't in her 2023 bingo card. 

He was sitting on the benches around the stone brazier, some other recognizable faces with him. He had an arm on the back of his seat, his head turned back to look at their small circle.

"Thanks, cap, but I've got this." Eris sounded annoyed by Cassian pitching in and Nesta relished in it.

Emerie laughed, shaking her head. "You so don't, and I will throat punch you if you don't move out of my way. I wanna leave." 

Eris grinned, "Your friend left you here, isn't that right?" 

Nesta was one second away from stepping in, but, if she had to be completely honest, this little theater play was unfurling quite amusingly. Plus, she knew Emerie could hold her own. 

"Cut the bs, Vanserra," Morrigan Nevin, honorable the cheer squad, stood up, crossing her arms on her chest. She nodded towards Nesta and Gwyn and said, "And Little Miss Archeron over there looks ready to fight, so I'd recommend you let her friend leave and call it a night."

All eyes turned on her in a beat. She wasn't surprised Morrigan knew her name. After all, her younger sister had just started college and from what little they'd shared, Feyre seemed to be fitting right into this crowd. 

Nesta's eyes though—treacherous fuckers they were—landed perfectly on Cassian. He, too, was staring at her and, with a cheeky smile, he lifted his hand in greeting. She pressed her lips together.

Eris faced her then, his mouth curling even more at her dead serious expression. 

"Look what the cat dragged in," he mused. "Hadn't seen you in a hot minute, thought you'd stopped whoring down Greek Row a while ago." 

Gwyn stepped forward, her face red with immediate anger. "Fuck you, you don't know what you're talking about." 

Nesta loved her friends, she truly did, but this piece-of-shit-no-one didn't deserve their time or attention. 

"Em, let's go." 

Emerie stepped around Eris and he didn't say anything as she neared the pair. Didn't even glance at her, only kept staring at Nesta.

They were about to turn around and leave when Eris spoke again.

"You used to party with us all the time. Guess Tomas really did fuck you up, at least that's how the rumor has it." 

Nesta stopped walking and glared daggers into him and she was seething when she spit at him, "I never partied with you. Even when I hang out with the scum that Tomas' close group is, I wasn't stooping as low as you." 

Eris' face dropped. And Nesta wasn't done talking. 

"They might all be assholes who don't give a shit about anyone but themselves, but they would have never held someone from leaving a party cause they can't find a better pastime." 

"Your friend made a promise," his stupid reply was.

Nesta glanced at Emerie, who shrugged and rolled her eyes at the sky, "I told him I'd play beer pong with him at the end of the party if he left me the fuck alone." 

She turned back on Eris, her face mockingly pitiful. "Can't find any friends unless you coerce people into spending time with you?"

"Aw, poor thing," Gwyn deadpanned.

"A promise is a promise."

"Fucking hell, Eris." Cassian called, "why do you always have to be so difficult?" 

"They're just afraid they're gonna lose. It's a simple request to play a game. Don't understand why it got all of you so worked up." 

Afraid? To lose at beer pong? 

Nesta knew she was playing right into his mind game, but she was stressed out because of finals, fed up with the way he'd treated her friend and she could've used the satisfaction that came with knocking him down a few pegs.

"Okay," Nesta said, "let's play."

Eris smiled, content that he was getting what he wanted. 

She jerked her head toward the house. "Go set the table." 

Cassian Navarro had stood up in the meantime, he'd walked closer to them and was now nearing her, his eyes fixated on her face. Nesta was—for whatever reason—excited about the prospect of him talking to her. She was waiting for it like one waited to get to the plot twist of a book.

She hadn't even noticed Eris walking inside, nor Morrigan joining Cassian, not until Emerie pulled on her elbow.

"Great move, now let's get out of here." 

Nesta jerked towards her friends, confused. "What? No, I wanna play."

Gwyn frowned, "Why?"

"He said we were afraid to lose."

Emerie snickered, eyes wide. 

"You're nuts, Nes. Let's just leave." 

"You know," his voice rumbled through her head. Nesta tensed marginally. He sounded so close. "You can go, you don't really have to play against him. He's just a harmless dickhead."

She spun on her heels slowly, tilting her head back to be able to look into his eyes, assessing his neck and the tattoos peeking from his shirt.

The silence stretched for seconds, minutes, hours before she found the words. She could only muster a sure whisper, his vicinity affecting her way more than she liked to admit.

"I have this under control, don't worry. And I honestly wanna play." 

Cassian's mouth opened in a sweet smile and his eyes didn't move from hers as he gestured for them to lead the way. His entire group had gotten up and now the ten of them walked inside the house. 

Nesta heard Morrigan talk to Emerie, ask if she was okay and found herself smiling lightly at the flirty response her friend gave the blonde. Give it to Emerie to look for a hookup at this moment. 

A significant amount of people had left the party and now only the fraternity boys and whoever they were gonna fuck tonight were sitting on the sofas and the floor. The music had died down and someone was ushering the remaining partygoers outside, someone else screaming about cheating boyfriends and fucking alcohol.

They reached the ping pong table in the hall, only a couple making out in the corner of the room. 

Nesta and Emerie stood at one end of the table. 

Balthazar Saraiva sauntered to the opposite side of the table, winking at both the girls like they'd been friends forever.

Nesta breathed out a laugh. She was going to destroy them. 

"What rules are we playing with? Bounce, no bounce? Who dunks can continue playing or we taking turns?" Emerie asked. 

"No bouncing, only direct shots. And we're taking turns." Eris replied. 

Nesta nodded, humming. 

An imposing figure stood next to her, like a giant statue. His arms crossed over his chest made his muscles look bigger and Nesta would be lying to herself if she didn't admit that it was distracting. 

"Ladies first," Eris drawled, "I'm giving you the starting advantage."

"No need," Nesta smirked and took the shot, dunking the ball on the first try. Eris stopped smiling. 

Cheering broke around them, but Nesta only heard the satisfied comment from Cassian, his glimmering eyes on her. 

"Atta girl." 

She couldn't have stopped the shy smile from spreading even if she'd tried.

The game went on shortly. Eris was missing every shot he could, getting purposely distracted by Azriel Behar and Rhysand Almeda. The two guys were really putting so much effort into making it difficult for him, walking behind him every time he had to shoot or calling out to him at the least appropriate moment.

Nesta would have asked them to stop in any other circumstances, wanting an honest and clean win, but seeing the way it was working Eris up, she couldn't bring herself to. 

They won the game in less than five minutes, Emerie only missing one shot, and when Gwyn came behind them and lifted both of them up in an improvised victory dance, Nesta felt lighter. 

Emerie smacked a kiss on her cheek and then started screaming profanities at Eris. 

"Looks like you need the ems now, uh? Cause you definitely got burned!"

Nesta cringed as everyone around them started laughing. 

She'd already been somewhat tipsy and chugging the four cups of beer Balthazar had managed to dunk had pushed her into drunk territory. Always the lightweight, their dark skinned friend. 

Gwyn dropped her to the floor again and as she laughed carefree at the ceiling, someone touched her arm. 

She turned quickly to her left, lifting her gaze up, up and up, until warm brown eyes met hers. 

"I get it you're driving?" 

The question took her by surprise. She frowned, nodding skeptically.

Cassian cleared his throat, scratching his cheek. He almost looked… nervous. "Then I guess my plan to offer you a drink is bound to fail."

Her face relaxed, she forced her lips to stay put, her eyes to not widen. He was looking at her expectantly, waiting for a reply. 

"I—" her voice came out scratchy. "Yes, sorry. Driving." 

She couldn't utter a fully formed sentence, apparently, but he seemed amused by it.

"Raincheck, then? Maybe Friday night?" 

Nesta was on cloud 9. What the fuck was happening right now? 

"Like a date?" 

Cassian smiled, "We can call it whatever you like, sweetheart." 

Nesta sobered up at that. She shook her head. "Don't call me that, that's for sure." 

His interest only grew with those words and Nesta saw the challenge flash behind his eyes.

"So, what do you say? Drink with me on Friday night?" 

Nesta studied his face a beat longer, trying to gauge his real intention. Was he playing with her? She was literally wearing sweatpants and a stained sweatshirt. And yes, she knew she was still beautiful in library attire with no makeup whatsoever, but he'd only spoken to her twice in the four years they'd attended college. 

And Nesta, well, she remembered that first time pretty vividly. She simply didn't want to dwell on it, because she knew it wasn't the same on his side. It had to be that way. 

Cassian's smile faltered. He took a step back, drawing a tight breath in. 

"Forget I asked." He whispered, still loud enough to be heard over the noise of their friends shitting on Eris in the background. "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable–" 

"Yes." Nesta interrupted him, closing the distance again. "Yes, I'll come out with you on Friday. For drinks." 

Cassian reeled back, surprised. His smile came back full force and he nodded once. 

She nodded back, offering a weak smile in turn. She could do this. She just needed to hold back the excitement until she was in the car with her friends. 

He looked at her, running a hand through his long hair, and sighed. 

"I'll come pick you up then. At 9." 

"Sounds good, I live–"

He grinned, "Oh, don't worry, I remember."

Nesta's lips parted. 

His smile widened. 

He remembered. 

acotar taglist (if you wanna be removed or added just dm me or send an ask)

@my-fan-side @superspiritfestival @simpingfornestaarcheron @the-regal-warrior @live-the-fangirl-life @sayosdreams @rowaelinismyotp @swankii-art-teacher @bookstantrash @lordof-bloodshed @nahthanks @sannelovesreading @courtofjurdan @imagine-me @moodymelanist @dread3r @sv0430 @mariamuses @leiawritesstories @thewayshedreamed @duskandstarlight @letstakethedawn @perseusannabeth

[anothersoulless]

Red Windows - Matt Murdock X Reader (Soulmate AU)

Another Day writing your Soulmate thesis for work, nothing else. That's what you thought. When the Morning dawns and a Devil ends up in your apartment, the same song stuck in both of your heads - what could go wrong? When your Soulmate ends up being a vigilante, the answer is easy to find: everything.

Set in a world, where even after Electra's Death and Daredevils partial hearing loss, Nelson & Murdock & Page are still together and never departed. This is partially due to my own stupidity and confusing the lore, but also simply because of I love the plotline but goddamn, I just want them to stay together.

Proof Read? Yeah, no.

Warnings: None. This does say Matt Murdock X Reader,can however also be seen in a platonic way. Also, maybe like Part 1? Idk, not sure tbf. Hate the ending, but here goes nothing. No use of Y/N or any placeholder

Soulmates. A thing everyone was talking about, sometimes singing so their Soulmate could hear it. Talking to someone else, one didn't know, someone far away, somewhere on this world. Or universe you guessed, considering the recent outing of a bunch of aliens, gods and more. Someone had to be their Soulmate, you guessed.

A lot of people thought Soulmates meant something romantic and were disappointed whenever they found out it was usually a platonic relationship. You should know. After all, you were studying philosophy with a focus on Soulmates. It was a topic that had interested you for a long time now and the older you had gotten, the more you had been fascinated by the mechanics of Soulmates and what the existence of these even implied. You would have preferred to go into the science field of things, however, since progress has been stagnating it was cut out of a lot of universities. So philosophy it was.

You had turned 29 a while ago, yet, had never heard your soulmate sing. Maybe whoever it was just wasn't that into it? Sometimes you sang a little tune to them, to this day to no avail. You were currently working on a thesis about Soulmates and the indications of the inevitability of future and choices and consequences, barely being able to write down all the rapidly passing thoughts on your sheet, when your best friend barged in. "It's Break Time for you and for me. Pack your things. We have an hour and I will not stand being in this office building for longer than five more minutes!"

You laughed slightly, grabbing your stuff and leaving the building right after them. They didn't wait until they started rambling to you, but you were content to listen. "So I met this girl yesterday, she was like, really cute. Short hair, ripped jeans, a flannel? Undeniably incredible taste in fashion. Also, the way she verbally decimated those guys? Absolute slay. The Guys were like trying to hit on a girl or something and wouldn't leave her alone, a real shame to be honest. She was really cute, asked her out." You smiled "That's nice, what did she say?" "That she already has a girlfriend. God, why must all the good Partners always be taken? It's so unfair!" You smiled lightly "Wouldn't know about it" Your friend gasped. "Exactly! I can't understand it, how no one sees you and wants to go out with you! Like, none of the good ones that is. I would totally try." You laughed. "Oh I would as well" "Dating yourself?" You looked at her "not my point, but totally yes."

The Break was over faster than you expected, but the work even longer. You sighed, when you looked at the clock, finally being allowed to get off. You closed your Laptop and said goodbye to the man behind the counter, who had just arrived and wished him a good and peaceful workday. Hell's Kitchen hasn't been the same for a while now, after Daredevil disappeared, the crime rate skyrocketed again, and a lot more Mutants were involved in it as well. You guessed because they didn't feel like they fit in, you couldn't blame them. The glass doors swung close behind you, the cool air of the evening of approaching fall nearly sending shivers down your spine, only nearly though. You fished out you phone and earphones out of your pocket, plugging them in and putting only one on. It was way too dangerous to walk around nearly deaf. You resumed the playlist you were listening, enjoying the song that came next, one of your all time favourites.

Take me to a light show before we go

Chemicals inside us line our bones

Your steps echoed through the street, the dark orange sky darkening slowly but surely fading into blue. The Bus station wasn't far away, and since your workplace didn't provide you with a parking spot, you took the bus. It roughly took the same time anyways.

Everybody's wasted, on their phones

Digits on the dancefloor, then our clothes

Next to the bus station there was a bakery, which you went to all the time while waiting for your bus. It wouldn't arrive for another 15 minutes, plenty enough time to buy yourself whatever you wanted. You usually opted for the same, but sometimes you felt like switching it up, like today. You asked for your order, waiting for the kind cashier to pack it.

Even if it blinds us

I'm reaching for the light within the fever

I'm reaching for your hand

You payed the cashier, taking your order and going back to the bus station.

The space between our fingers

Sparks, I feel them linger on

The bus arrived and after scanning your monthly ticket you sat down, thanking your work for not letting you get off in the middle of rush hour. The drive was quiet and you arrived home safely, deciding to get out of your work clothes and make yourself comfortable. You relaxed a bit, before deciding to head to bed, humming the melody of the song stuck in your head.

Next time let it go

Break my skin, Red Windows

So I'll know

.................…⁠ᘛ⁠⁐̤⁠ᕐ⁠ᐷ

It wasn't morning when you woke up, and it wasn't your alarm that woke you. The crashing of a window, heavy breathing and pained groans. Despite yourself, you stood up after you heard another crash - glass, maybe your table or a glass you just hadn't put in your dishwasher yet. You armed yourself with the first thing you could find - a belt - and stalked to your living room. The man had stopped trashing around, leaning heavily on a counter, shattered glass on the floor. He was still panting, but definitely trying to hide it. It was Daredevil. Daredevil stood in your apartment. Sure. yeah. Just a normal Tuesday Night. Not to mentioned he was supposedly gone.

You didn't know what came over you, but the only thing your brain was able to scamper together was a breathy "Hi" to the Vigilante. A pained smile graced his features "Hey." You stood there for a second, before remembering that he was leaning on a counter, just shattered a glass and was probably in a lot of pain. "Oh my god, wait, let me-" You vanished to get the Frist aid kit from the bathroom, returning to him in a matter of two minutes. You never thought you'd really have to use it, you didn't really expect a crime fighting Devil to appear injured in your living room. You hadn't seen any blood in the darkness, but you were sure to turn the lights on to take care of the man.

"Alright, just sit in the couch and I'll prepare... I don't know, what do you have? Bulletwounds? Were you stabbed, slashed?" The man laughed slightly but didn't move an inch. "Do you even know how to treat wounds?" "No, but that doesn't mean you can't guide me, you must me very well versed in this field." He still didn't move. "You gonna come over here?" He hesitated but pushed himself off the counter and waddled towards you, totally not noticing the couch and swaying harshly against it. He cursed under his breath and felt along the backside until he found the seating part. "Damn, you must be really out of it, not seeing the couch like that." He chuckled nervously. "Yeah, rough night" "Did you get hit in the head?" "No" Phew, thank god. One least thing to worry about. "Okay, could you like, get rid of the suit?" "Want to see a Vigilante naked so you can give it to the press?", He joked, you laughed. "No, but maybe I want to be able to keep a secret just for myself"

He got rid of the suit, wearing a thin black shirt and pants underneath, they reminded you of those that ice-skaters wore while training sometimes. His left leg was soaked, and not in sweat or water - in blood. You bunched the thin Leggings over the injury and came face to face with a red leg and a white structure, that looked way too much like a bone to be anything else, exiting his skin. "Fuck." "Yeah" "You walked with that?" "I did more with that then walk." "And you're human? Not just Thor in disguise or something?" "Pretty sur einem, yes" "That's wild. Okay, anything else?" I got shot and stabbed in the side, don't know how they got through the suit." "Alright, alright. Yeah, sure, we can.. we can work something out. I think" He laughed again, a charming laugh, you noted. "What do I do?" "Is the bullet still inside?" You pulled him forward from his leaning position, pulling up his shirt and seeing a matching hole in the back. "No" "Okay, that's good. Now you'll have to-"

You got more comfortable with him guiding you, knowing and feeling that he knew what he was doing. Sometimes he needed to help you a bit and in the end, you were done and he was still lying on your couch, his pantleg was still bunched up and his shirt was off - it had just been easier than him needing to hold it up while also guiding and helping you. While he was putting his shirt back on and sipping on some water you had brought him, you were already cleaning up the mess. You couldn't help yourself humming that song, calming yourself down why you did so, passing by Daredevil to clean the table and floor, the couch was something to worry about later. You weren't gonna throw an injured man off of your couch just to clean his blood. "My Soulmate sings that song all the time." You looked up from the puddle of blood, mixed with water and bleach you were scrubbing at and observed the man. He had a small smile on the lips that were visible. "Your Soulmate?" He nodded "Yes, she keeps singing this song, always at the same time on weekdays. I guess she gets off of work then." "Why are you telling me this? I could use this against you." "Doubt it. You would've called an ambulance or police if you would go against me" "Maybe I'm building trust to betray you."

"Why do you want me to distrust you so badly?" You stayed silent. "It's not about me", you started after a while, "it's about you. You need to be careful. Not all are as friendly as I am" "That, I only know too well." Silence. "My Soulmate doesn't sing. Never." "Never?" "No. Not even humming. Or jingles, absolutely nothing. I heard him once, back a few years ago. He was drunk, singing something very badly. He was practically screaming." "That must have been exhausting." "It wasn't. I was absolutely ecstatic. I had heard him for the first and only time that night, while he hears me on a daily basis. Sometimes I wonder if I am bothering him, because he doesn't sing at all, or if he died. I just hope he is a good man." "I am sure he is." Before Silence could settle in again, you spoke up "When your Soulmate sings Red Windows a lot, it shouldn't be hard to find them. Only round about 200 people listened to the original on YouTube, where it came from. 200 people in the entire world, shouldn't be hard to find. Not only that, but some of these probably don't even like the song." "Could you play it for me?" You were startled. "What?" "I couldn't find the song. Could you play it for me?" "Uhh" you stood up, washed your hands thoroughly with soap and got your Phone. "Sure." You typed in the name of the song, letting it play and setting the phone down on a clean surface.

In Time let it show

Feel that scarlet Undertow

As it flows

You hummed with the song, swaying a bit to the beat and going back to cleaning. The stranger on your couch watched you.

Even if our bodies start to burn

And our passion starts to turn

I don't want our night, the night, tonight to end

So

Daredevil shifted on the couch, getting up while mainly using his uninjured leg and grabbing another cloth to help you clean the blood, sitting on the floor instead of kneeling like you were.

Next time let it go,

Break my skin, Red Windows

To my soul

So I'll know.

He grabbed your wrist mid-cleaning. "You should go to bed. This is my mess, I'll clean it. You have work tomorrow, so you should definitely get enough sleep" "But you need to rest as well" "I've had worse, you should really go to sleep. I will sleep in a bit as well." "You can stay as long as you need to. And you need to rest. Leave the cleaning to me." "Of course."

After waking up, you understood that that was a stupid request from you, seeing that he cleared the shattered glass, and that every surface was clean - the Couch still had some stains but it was mostly clean. There was breakfast on the table and a man, back turned to you, helmet off, sitting and eating. "Good Morning. I see you didn't rest like I told you." "And you did" He didn't turn his head and you didn't look at his face, when he pulled his mask over his head again, hiding his black hair. "Don't you have work to attend as well?" "I.. I do." "Then you should take a cab to work and get a coworker or friend to help you." You sat down and started to eat - scrambled egg with bacon pieces mixed together with some herb you had lying around. You didn't know what it was, your mother had brought it over when you had moved - but he seemed to know. "Shame about your window" You looked at the pieces of cloth and wood (where did he get that stuff from anyways?) covering the busted window. "Yeah, that's not gonna sit well with my wallet, I'm afraid. A shame, indeed" After the Breakfast was finished, and he was back in his superhero suit, he looked back, before walking out the fire escape. "Go to a Lawyer named Matt Murdock, he will help you" "Don't think I have money, big guy" "He doesn't take money. He takes whatever you are willing to give"

And just like that, you sat at work, sitting over a half-finished sentence in your thesis and pondering about this being a dream. The Fact you had been so unfazed probably was a sign of - no. You didn't believe you'd think his, and that this was the reason that convinced you, that it had all happened. You don't even remember what you did with the belt you were holding, it seemed like a big blurr, the moment you had seen him. You clearly remembered patching him up and all that, but God damn did you want to tell someone. And tell someone you did. Your new lawyer for a case that wasn't even a case. You didn't even know why exactly you looked him up and called him, but oh well.

"Matt Murdock, Attorney at Law. What is the reason for your call?" You gave him your name, hesitating before continuing. "This may sound weird, but Daredevil crashed into my window yesterday evening and told me to call you to get that situation sorted out." The Lawyer chuckled. A familiar voice, a familiar chuckle, you realised. It was slightly different, but you couldn't shake the feeling as if you were talking to Daredevil again. Stupid Vigilante crashing into your window and your mind. You desired emotional compensation, even though he had no negative effect on you. The Lawyer chuckling was having a lot more negative impact on your mood. Of course he wouldn't take you seriously. "Do you happen to have insurance?" You nodded, then sighed, remembering you were on the phone. "Yes, but I don't think it covers crashed window because of a Vigilante type of Damage" Another laugh "Come in with your contract and I'll see what I can do" "What about Payment?" "You don't need to pay me, if you have no money. I am only here to help" Damn. So it really was whatever you were ready to give, sure.

Since a Memory is locked in tight

Even in our dreams we'd never find

Any hidden Details, not one sign

Not even your dial tone, if not mine

Making your way to the lawyer's office, your trusty Google Maps as your guide, you silently sing the song to yourself. You took off one of your earphones when you reached the building,riding the elevator a few levels up to the designated one. There was a door with a metal tag on it. In bold, pretending letters it read Nelson & Murdock & Page. You knocked beside the tag.

But I heard it in surround sound

In a private space between that only we found

Like a feeling we can't shake

They are watching through the keyholes

Wishing they could be this close

When a blonde woman opened the door, you completely took off your headphones, stopping your music effectively. She seemed surprised. "Didn't think we'd get someone today, come on in!" You entered, slightly confused. "Uhm, I called earlier, and I was told to come in whenever I can in business hours." The Woman nodded. "Who did you speak with?" "I think it was uh... A man, Murdock, I think?" She lit up. "Ah, yes, let me just check with him really quick!" She disappeared in one of the doors, the one to the left, and reappeared a few second later. "Sorry I didn't think of you, I was on break so Matt took your call, if you could wait a minute, he will call you in." You thanked her and sat down on one of the free chairs.

You were singing under your breath, just loud enough for your ears only, when you heard you name being called by a very familiar voice, a man standing in the door that was previously unoccupied, a small, smug smile on his lips. You stood up, noticing his red tainted glasses. Unusual, you noted. "Good Day, Mister Murdock, thank you for seeing me" "I just want to help, come on in." You followed him into his office, noticing how he kept one of his hands on a surface at all times, making his way to sit at his table, a bunch of thick books laying in one corner, and - you noticed - Sheets of Paper with bumps on them. Braille. You sat down at the chair in front of the desk, while he set up a recorder. "Would it be alright if I record the conversation?" "Yes, of course." "Okay good. Then, let's start." He pressed play. "Please state your name and the reason you are here." You gave him your name again, before elaborating "Yesterday night or this morning, i didn't look at the clock, but I had already gone to bed, I was woken up by a crashing sound. I went to investigate and found the Vigilante Daredevil had crashed through my window, severely injured. I helped him and just before I went to bed he told me to call this office." "About your insurance?" "Yes." "Okay, do you happen to have the contract with you?" You affirmed once again. "What kind of contract?" "It's an Appartment I had to take because of my workplace, so it's an insurance contract with them, they pay for round-about normal insurance. Don't think those cover Superhero or Vigilante Damages"

You ended up reading the entire thing to him, not even understanding half of the stuff you were reading. He did though, obviously. You ended up staying well past opening hours, tomorrow was your free day so it was fine for you - and apparently also for the lawyer. Karen Page had left around half an hour ago, so you volunteered to find the kitchen and make some coffee and a small snack, while he worked through some of his Texts in Braille, saying something to the recorder from time to time to keep it on his mind. Quietly singing the song to yourself while searching in the small kitchen for the coffee beans.

Next time, let it go,

You found the coffe beans and put them in the grinder, positioning the first cup underneath and letting the coffee run.

Break my skin, Red Windows

After that one was done, you did the same with the second cup. Bringing the two cups back, you stopped singing under your breath right in front of the office. You opened the door with your elbow and sat down the two cups p, settling back into the chair.

"You really like that song" You didn't think he'd heard you, so you were slightly surprised. "Oh, sorry if I was too loud" Matt Murdock smiled "It doesn't really matter how loud you are, it's a good song, I've heard it on loop thelastfew days" Oh, so he already knew the song, weird coincidence, considering how unknown it was. "I have been too, it's a wonderful song." "Well, I didn't really have a choice, but definitely better than other songs I had to listen to." He didn't have a choice? "Has your Soulmate been singing it?" He didn't answer, instead sipping on his coffee, giving you a fairly cheeky smile and focusing back on his work. A few Minutes passed, when you heard him hum. You heard him hum twice.

One was in you head and the other was, well, right in front of you. You were baffled. "What?" He stopped, his eyes shielded behind the red glasses, still looking straight ahead. He gave a questioning hum. "Uh... Sorry, i just had a thought" "About us being Soulmates?" You faltered. "What? How did you know?" "Because I knew since you came in. He went to take of his red glasses, unfocused eyes looking in your direction, but feeling like they still looked past you. "I didn't want to rush, but I admit, it was a pleasant discovery." "Huh".

You eyes fell to the red tainted glasses, like Red Windows.

To my soul

[mysteryofvampires]

The character headcanon generator and the heirs of the night characters:

(Let's see how this will turn out...)

(Also a few just in modern AU)

Alisa:

Alisa could easily survive the Hunger Games (yes I can see this. I mean, she's the chosen one hello? )

Alisa is awful with kids (this isn't accurate in my opinion. She's such a loving and kind person and also gets along with pretty anyone so..)

Alisa is a cat person (yess just yes. She is black cat and Lars is golden retriever. Taking no critism on this)

Lars:

Lars crushed a riding lawn mower into his fence (Oh yess! That's the chaotic shit he would totally do!!!)

Lars cracks his knuckles very loudly ( hmhm...maybe just to annoy people but this suits him)

Lars desperatley needs a hug but doesn't know it and refuses to ask for one (if this doesn't characterize him than what does?)

Ivy:

Ivy is a theatre kid (so accurate!!)

Ivy tells dad jokes (also canon! She makes the dumbest jokes but still everyone laughs because they're all idiots)

Ivy has a low alcohol tolerance (yes. She literally Passes out after half a glas)

Inger:

Inger makes your mom jokes ( well...could be but Idk really if that's truly a thing with her)

Inger steals other people's clothes (when people are Ivy then yes)

Inger is very willing to eat inedible things (No. In my head she's a picky eater)

Fanny:

Fanny likes being alone (No! She's the biggest extrovert out there!!)

Fanny had an emo phase (Nah she would be the bully who makes fun of the emos let's be fr)

Fanny cringes at their middle school year book photo (Also rather no...she has the self confidence of a princess, but...maybe?)

Malcolm:

Malcolm only speaks in meme refrences (Hm...yes. Behind that serious facade of his he's a chronically online dumbass)

Malcolm doesn't own a single pair of matching socks. (Also yes, he's chaotic as hell.)

Malcolm has a Roblox account (He's addictet to the game but doesn't admit it so yes)

Tammo:

Tammo does not know how to read. (YESSS!! Just think about the potential this brings. Him struggling with keeping up in theoratical lessons in class and the other heirs finding out and helping him through reading to him. Also maybe a bit of angst because Dame Elina hates having an heir without the ability to read. ) Anyone want a fanfic like this?

Tammo has an incredible long-term memory but an awful short-term memory. (Oh yes! He remembers everything from years ago but can't remember what he wore yesterday)

Tammo watched the sonic movie. (Not only this but it's his favourite)

Joanne:

If someone they knew commited a crime, Joanne would cover for them. (She loves her friends sm, so yes. )

Joanne needs a nightlight to sleep. (Such a cute headcanon for a cute character!! Yess!!)

Joanne has a mary sue oc. (I mean that girl is about 12 right?? Who didn't in that age?)

Luciano:

Luciano sleeps in until noon. (In canon he is annoyed by Alisa who wakes him uo early so pretty sure this is accurate)

Luciano gets bullied on roblox. (By Malcolm?)

Luciano has fallen asleep at their desk while working in the middle of the night. (No. He loves his sleep too much to work over bed time)

Seamour:

Seamour likes to eat straight coffee beans. (Yes. He's a bit crazy)

Seamour is the gay cousin. (In my head he's gay so yes. )

If Seamour likes someone, they will give them a pretty rock. (Headcanon accepted)

Nicu:

Nicu hates being alone. (No he's an introverted king)

Nicu listens to 80s music. (He's a vintage girlie confirmed. )

If the sorce media was a musical, Nicu would be the one character that asks why everyone is singing. ( I mean he's the only human in a vampire friend group, so definitely yes!!) Also this is so funny!

Bonus: Hindrik and Karen

Hindrik gets into Twitter discourse.

Hindrik is a very good singer. (In the book he actually is I think!!)

Hindrik bites their nails. (Because Alisa and Tammo are stressing him out and he worries about them)

Karen is afraid to close their eyes in the shower. (Maybe because she has to keep her eyes on little Lars who Plans the next huge prank on her???)

Karen killed Princess Diana. (Haha slay queen)

Karen is an oldest child.

[defensivelee]

some scene/dialogue ideas for the hypothetical NSO-esque Louis dating sim in which you play as a mistress of him (sorry no male MC). I think the point of it would be to try to ASSERT YOUR INFLUENCE on him until you basically run the country yourself, which he makes extremely difficult for you to do. idk why I'm thinking of it so much 😭

---------

Louis: Do you think this looks good on me?

He'll probably be asking this a lot when he tries something on. You basically get to dress him since he'll usually listen to your opinions as you are very important to him.

Upon saying it looks awful but he secretly disagrees:

Louis: Well...just a little, I suppose.

Upon saying it looks awful and he agrees:

Louis: Who thought of this?

Upon saying it looks good:

Louis: Not much of an observation, love, you know everything looks good on me.

---------

Louis: I have a question. Do you love me? Really really really love me?

He'll ask this every night, just in a different form. Usually you would have three choices, all of which say the same thing: "Yes, I love you." I doubt it's because he's insecure, he just wants to hear you say it.

After a bad day in which you didn't really make him happy, though, he'll say:

Louis: I thought you loved me. You told me yesterday. Do you really really really love me?

He usually stares at you with a smile, sitting pleasantly on his bed, but at this point the music stops briefly and he sort of glowers at you. You have three choices again, and only one is different:

Player: No, you know why I stayed with you at all.

Louis will look down and smile, and the music will start up again.

Louis: Ahaha....you are not wrong.

If you say you love him, he looks vaguely suspicious but accepts it anyway.

---------

To increase the Trust & Love bar (probably the least important for your status, but necessary nonetheless if you want him to keep you around) you would have to give him a gift. I think you should be able to give him a little carp because it would be funny and he likes them.

Louis: You got me another fish? See, this is why I love you. You give me stuff.

Louis: She is so beautiful...can you name her for me?

Whatever the name is that you choose, he'll find it very endearing. Unless you attempt to call it Louis, in which case he'll feign offense but actually be laughing a little.

---------

You can make it your goal for him to just have awful days constantly so that his Happiness & Certainty will go down. Eventually he will start getting really personal at night instead of having sex, and he'll tell you things you may not have known about him. This makes him easier to manipulate/blackmail later on.

Louis: I will never understand Philippe. A boy kissed me once.

Louis: *his eyes now widening* I wanted to kill myself.

Louis: He said he was going to kill me if I told anyone--

Things like that.

[purplesurveys]

1904

Have you had more hot or cold drinks today? Cold. I don't really like hot drinks.

What's a name you like that's similar to yours? The only similar name I can think of and that I like is Rowan, for a girl.

Where did you get the last plate/bowl you ate with from? I'm currently eating tuna sashimi salad from a paper bowl that the restaurant I ordered from provided.

How's your mental health today? Not too shabby. I've been rattled the last couple of weeks for various reasons, but I think it's all mellowed down now and it also helps that it's Friday again.

What bands and artists did you listen to when you were a teenager? So the #1 band in my heart then, now, and always will be Paramore, but I also got way way into punk rock because of CM Punk. In the bus to and from school, I would listen to Against Me!, Rancid, H2O, The Bouncing Souls...basically all of his favorites that he used to plug on social media all the time at the time. I also really liked Killswitch Engage.

Do your feelings get hurt easily? Idk, it depends on what's thrown at me. I don't care how people think of me for the most part, and being called out does not bother me; but I do get bothered when I am talked to in a way that the other person is clearly thinking that I'm stupid.

What sort of restaurant did you last eat at? Does food delivery count? I ordered Japanese tonight.

Do you have a friend who's always sending you TikTok videos? Do you actually watch them? I'm pretty sure my close friends occasionally would, but I never open my TikTok messages hahaha.

Have you ever seen a cougar in the wild? Nope.

Will you attend a wedding in the next 3 months? Nope.

Are you good at following instructions? In general, yeah. As long as I can read the instructions or have visual aid as either is how I prefer to pick up details.

What's your backyard or outdoor area like? Apart from being paved and having a basketball stand/net/hoop (what do you even call the whole thing?), there's not much else to it really. We have our cars parked nearby as well, and my dad's newest baby - his motorcycle - is by the backyard too.

Do you like your boss? (or your last boss if you don't currently have one? I like Trina, and I'm gonna miss her when she leaves.

When was the last time you took a selfie? Tuesday.

What did you have for breakfast yesterday? I didn't eat anything yesterday until 1 PM.

What do you do to entertain yourself on a long flight or journey? The 'longest' I've experienced was like 3.5 hours lol, but in any case I like downloading YouTube videos offline so I don't go crazy sitting down. It's also why a part of me, while excited at the prospect of traveling the world, also kind of dreads it because I can't imagine being on a plane for any longer than 5 hours... :/ Where are you right now? In my room.

Have you ever done a hearing test? I don't think so.

Do you hate small talk? Well, no. Sometimes it has to happen. The only aspect of it I would find awkward by is if the other person barely makes an effort to reply or make conversation.

What's the hottest temperature your current town/city has ever had? I'm not sure tbh, maybe somewhere around the 40s?

What programs/applications do you currently have open on the device you're using right now? I usually have only Chrome open on this laptop anymore.

How many steps per day do you do, generally? When I work from home, which takes up most of my time, nothing over 200. But then I'll have my event days or days out, and my steps for those can range anywhere between 3,000 to 8,000.

Have you had any snacks today? Nope, just full meals.

What's the next thing you'll tick off your to-do list? I'll need to take Agi to the groomers tomorrow because that boy's fur has gotten long and STINKY lmao.

Have you ever had a chia pet? No.

What's your favourite sandwich filling? Pulled pork.

Do you have any nieces or nephews? I don't.

What was the last reason you saw a doctor? Needed to take my annual medical exam.

Do you use light mode or dark mode on your phone? Dark.

[sevicia]

Idk if I ever mentioned but I started listening to Convenience Store Woman by Sayaka Murata yesterday and finished it today. It's very short, exactly 3 hrs 22 mins, and I really really liked it

My favorite part of the book was how Keiko behaved and spoke and thought, because it felt really familiar. Stuff like mimicking others' behavior to "fit in" (speech patterns, fashion choices, etc.), and of finding ?comfort? in a set environment such as the convenience store. I don't know if it can be accurately called "comfort", because while it IS a set routine, something to base her entire life around, it is, at the same time, oppressive in the way that it becomes her whole world and dictates everything from her eating habits to her speech patterns.

Keiko says a lot that, in the convenience store, they are only convenience store workers. Not men or women or any other identifiable quality, just workers, and I found that an interesting way to view it because when it gets broken near the end of the book, she is very upset about it. Being upset when something you convinced yourself of (with basis, yes, but still not 100% true in practice), is broken, is very understandable, but the way that she became so agitated, didn't understand why everyone had changed, and kept insisting on following the convenience store routine, made the thought of her being autistic really solidify in my head.

Because she mimicks other people, doesn't understand most social cues (the ones she understands, she has been taught), and also doesn't understand the reason behind people's attitudes when they change suddenly, not to mention her apparent lack of empathy at the beginning of the book (towards the bird and her classmates) and throughout it. She's autistic as fuck imo but I could be wrong.

Also, on the topic of sexuality, she is 100% aroace, like there is no room for doubt there. This results in trouble for her, being a single woman living in Japan in her thirties, since all of her friends and her sister pressure her to get married or at least date somebody. This is obviously fucked up, but Keiko just sort of goes with it in hopes of becoming "normal".

There's also a lot of talk of Keiko being "cured" throughout the book, which, while already messed up, is even worse when you read her as having autism. We all know why.

On the topic of Shiraha, I fucking hated the guy (as anyone with half a braincell would). Literally an incel droning on and on about the stone age, about being the victim and about women not wanting him because they go for (basically) alpha men (he doesn't phrase it like this, but c'mon). He also berates Keiko time and time again, which she doesn't care about at all, but as a reader / listener, it's really infuriating, especially since the two things he shames her for are:

1. Being a single woman in her thirties

2. Working at a convenience store while in her thirties

Which is obviously misogynistic, and ageist, and I don't know if it's the right term, but also classist. He views convenience store workers, and most definitely all retail / "lower end" workers, as trash that will never get anywhere (as if HE'S going anywhere), and he also speaks frequently of how he is looked down upon for being a virgin at his age and then proceeds to do the same to Keiko. He's such a hypocrite it's unreal.

Another thing, the way that Keiko's friends consider her an outsider until she lies about having a boyfriend is really painful to read about when you're similar to her. I have this fear of forever being an "other", and this made me feel queasy.

While I couldn't relate to Keiko at 100%, I still could relate to her quite a bit, so it really hit close to home whenever she was told she was a nobody, that she would go nowhere in life, and other horrible things. Keiko herself doesn't seem to care about this, but I do.

A lot of people call this book disturbing while others call it funny. I don't know where I fall, but it's definitely not funny.

I think my only major gripe with the book was, for some reason, the way the title was translated. The original title (as said at the end of the audiobook), is "Konbini Ningen". Which if I'm not wrong, translates literally to "Convenience Store Human". I like this better since it ties in with Keiko's view of herself as nothing but a convenience store worker, if not a "convenience store animal", as she says towards the end. However, "Convenience Store Human" doesn't have the same appeal as "Convenience Store Woman", so I can see why they went with that instead.

Anyways, I really enjoyed it. It felt oddly familiar, and was fun to listen to. I gave it 4.75 🌟 on Storygraph, because (I don't know why) it wasn't QUITE there for me. It might change in the future though idk.

If you read this whole thing:

1. you're insane a little bit

2. thank you

3. I love you. Here's your reward..... :

booboo wheel

[gean-grey-blog]

I saw death or stopped a suicide at 8. 9. 10. 13. 13. 17. And then nonstop since I was 18 and got training because it kept happening and I might as well have a sword and shield against it. Some wins, but death is the inevitable side of life and fighting death is like fighting the sky.

In 2021 I got to the homeless camps I was delivering food to, and found out the man I had talked to yesterday, given my sleeping bag to, had died of a heatwave and been found bloated that morning

Also in 2021 I was on my way to work at a hotel when I saw a car accident that had just happened. First on scene, watched a 19 year old kid die in front of me while telling the operator I knew CPR but didn't know how to do it when there were no soft parts of the face left

I stepped away from life and death shit. But my friend became suicidal and I got dragged back in. And then my roommate, who I've had to physically stop from committing suicide twice this year.

Last night I took my platonic cuddle buddy to the hospital bc he got baking soda in his eyes at work and needed to get checked out. He has no medical background, doesn't watch hospital shows other than when he watches House with me.

They called a code blue for the bed a few down from us. My friend asked what that was. I just said something like it was an emergency and they needed lots of help. I could hear them try to get someone back from her heart being stopped, hear the monitor screaming

I made a break for the vending machines and tbh to vape some weed in the parking lot. I figured she'd either be stabilized by the time I came back or it would be over.

I was wrong. I walked back in on the doctor calling her woman's spouse to make the notification that they weren't so far able to get her heart going. I passed as they started the CPR machine. CPR isn't like you see on movies. Ribs and sternums break. It's crushing someone in order to squish their heart to maybe move enough blood to keep their brain alive. The CPR machine does it even deeper and more punishingly than a human can. I could hear her bones breaking.

So I kept walking and sat back down with my friend and we watched House on my laptop. He was laughing at the show, I was listening to 10+ medics try heroic measures and still lose, 50 feet away

I've rarely felt more alone with a friend right beside me. But I'd already forced him to go sit in the ER until 3am just to get some dye squirted in his eyes. I wasn't gonna add death trauma to his night

We got home at 4am. And the second I stopped having to function I just started shaking and crying and went and threw up for a while. When I came back he was upset bc he thought it was just his eye shit upsetting me, so I explained.

He's really sweet and effusive so of course he was like "why didn't you tell me? I could have been there for you."

But again he's really sweet and cares so much. And I've seen so much shit bc I decided to turn to face into this storm. And I don't want that for him.

But I also know what it's like to feel helpless to help your friends and it's not fair of me to make him feel that helplessness

Idk what's right

[messofmoss]

saturday, june 22, 2024

8:31am

i just slept for 11 hours. i got home from work and basically just passed out. my phone is half dead. my whole body hurts. i had a whole handprint on my arm when i woke up lol

there were many times my mind was racing yesterday and i wanted to write here but i was working and couldn't. i feel like writing it down helps a bit because instead of rattling around in my brain, it's pouring out here. like a bit of release and relief.

my head hurts. it hurt a lot yesterday too. i forgot to take my pills. i haven't missed a day in awhile. i was missing a refill and i was going to take them when i got the missing part but forgot about it.

i feel shitty. i don't want to go to work today. or do anything really. slept 11 hours and i just want to go back to sleep. sleep 11 more hours. i hate work. i don't want to go. i don't want to be around humans. i just want to be in my dark cave with my cats and my kindle and my pillow. i didn't even get to enjoy my days off because it was too hot to exist.

i feel like crying right now. i don't want to go so bad. i can't just call out every weekend though. ugh

10:19am

i sent her a minute of voice messages and all she says back is "okayyy" an hour later. really nothing to say at all??? why do i even bother

5:15pm

teary in the car again. i think julia is mad at me for calling her a hater. i was only teasing.

as SOON as she opened my last voice message, she started typing and said she was going to bed. she hadn't even listened to half of it yet. that voice was my attempt to change the subject. i said "i'm going to try to befriend the new girl at work tonight" the one i had told her might be a lesbian. idk i'm just so sad.

lilly told me to back off her and see if she reaches out to me first. i feel like she won't because last night i fell asleep and forgot to send her good morning message and when i woke up, she had read my last message and just... didn't say anything to me.

8:40pm

i can't enjoy my free time because i made a plan and that plan isn't until monday morning but like it takes away future planned free time before work and now i'll have to be out doing something and now i am just in a perpetual state of anxiety waiting for that thing. and it's like when you have a dentist appt at like 2pm so you can't enjoy your morning because you're just waiting for the appointment. i hate transition periods. i used to tell brogan to not tell me if he had to leave in like 10 or 20 minutes or whatever because then i wouldn't be able to enjoy that time anymore because it would feel like we are in a transition phase and it just makes me stupid anxious. the plan for monday is to go to clifton park at 8am to pick up thomas from the mechanic and hang with him til i have to work. i just hate making plans in general. i hate weekends because i have to work. i hate feeling trapped. work schedule makes me feel trapped. making plans makes me feel trapped.

also i have acid reflux/heartburn whatever for the first time in aaaaages and i hate it so much. i think it's because i've had pan pizza two days in a row at work. i need to get back to my diet. i feel like shit. i look like shit. i am shit. i look at my reflection and i don't even recognize my face anymore. like who the fuck is that? why do i look like that?

[allamericansbitch]

okay so I was one of the people back then that wrote you an ask when the international dates dropped and I was confused because I didn't really like taylor anymore but I waited my whole life for her to play a show near me. And I remember you telling me that there's nothing wrong with buying those tickets because it really is more about me and the memories I make and not about her and so I did and I went to the show today (or better say yesterday cause its 2am right now) and I'm just so happy right now just so full of adrenaline that's why I also can't sleep and I just wanted to take this time and just in general thank you for being a reasonable person on this site. I absolutely loved the show and she played my favourite songs as surprise songs too (slut, gold rush, sparks fly and false god)!!!! And its all just so amazing but I wanted to say something and I think your blog is the only place I can say this and you'll eventually understand me. I don't feel a strong connection to taylor anymore like I once used to because of obvious reasons and it was like that until yesterday and now since I attended that show I suddenly love her again. Not in a very much loving way but during the standing ovation after champagne problems for example I almost teared up because she's so cute and since I came back from that show I just feel so deeply connected to her and I've been listening to her music for the past 4h nonstop even tho I didn't do that for a lot of weeks and I don't know why. I just feel weird because I'm not supposed to suddenly like her again

omg yes i remember you! i'm so happy to hear that you ended up going and having an amazing time! you truly got amazing surprise songs.

and i completely understand what you're saying. my shows were done by the time i had really been done with her but i did see the movie in theaters and i felt the exact same way you're feeling now. i listened to her music for the first time in weeks on the car ride back from the theater. i honestly can't explain why, maybe we're not celebrating her, but rather celebrating the feeling she's given us in the past or celebrating her in the form of who we thought she was before idk, but i think seeing the show really does do something where you stop seeing her as taylor the problematic person and see her as taylor swift the artist that we love you know? idk if that explains it at all but i totally get what you're saying.

[whyareweallawakerightnow]

Holding strong

I haven't spoken to him since last Tuesday, almost a week. This is the longest we've ever gone without speaking to each other. Its surreal. Like im okay, im going through the motions, im living. Im getting up everyday, im doing all the things I need to do. Im working and im taking care of the house and im taking care of myself, the best I know how. Im doing it. Alone. I know I can, I have before. Im good by myself, I can operate solo. It's nothing new to me. Its normal.

I just don't want to.

I don't want to be alone anymore, I don't want to do everything solo. Maybe thats the lesson here. I went to dinner with my friend yesterday and we were talking, I told her about the tik tok. I know she thinks im crazy. I am. I really probably am. I told her that he saw my story about me being sick and he didn't say anything. She told me he's showing me how he feels, I just have to listen. I have to listen. Silence is loud. It's truth telling. I have to listen.

I keep telling myself that but I don't listen LOL.

You know I was thinking earlier about the moment I truly got over P. It wasn't until recently, to be honest. I mean I've been over him as much as I could possibly have been but Im not over what happened. What he did to me. Idk if I ever will be honestly, but I can tell you when I was over him, as a person.

It's when I saw a picture of him, with his wife, and kid. He was wearing a thin silver wedding band. It sent a chill of disgust down my spine. Like actual disgust. It was icky. It gave me the ick. Turned me off completely. Something in my chest, clicked. Idk how to explain it. I got the ultimate forever ick from seeing that. It signified how much of a pussy ass bitch he is. Why it took me seeing that of all things to realize that, idk. But it did. It's always the stupidest mundane things that do it.

While I was at dinner with my friend yesterday we did get on the subject of tarot cards and palm readings. She said she knew a little bit about palm readings and that some lines on the side of your palm tells you how many long term relationships you'll have in your lifetime. She looked at mine, and said I have 4. I said there's no fucking way im doing this shit another 2 times. NO WAY. Take me out right now. I cant do it, I won't. I have nothing left in me. I have nothing to give.

Thats where im at right now.