#idk some people do find discussion of periods gross

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

The concept of Lilia raising fem Silver is so cute and endearing. Imagine Lilia and fem Silver having a tea party together surrounded by silver's animal friends while Lilia is dressed up in a pink tutu dress and ROCKING it.

Raising a human child is a lot more different than raising a fae child, but get this; Lilia would have to learn that at a certain age, fem humans get their periods (Assuming fem fae don't have periods?!). Either way, he would panic or be chill about it. He would also have to explain what menstruation is, lol.

Period cramps can be so bad. Luckily for Silver, Lilia knows how to wash blood stains with COLD water (considering he saw a lot of blood in war). He would bring her snacks and comfort her best to his abilities, and he would make sure to keep menstrual products in the house or carry some with him for emergencies. I know, I'm just rambling at this point, but idk it's really cute to think how Lilia would raise fem Silver.

So, while i agree with you that Lilia would raise normally just like how he raised Silver in Canon, i do think there are quite a few differences, especially when it comes to such things such as Periods, buying bras and so on.

[Other Lilia raising fem!Silver posts here and here!]

In my original post, I was speaking only from a socialization angle since a lot of what we see as "gender norms" are the result of how we were raised and taught. On that front, I don't really see Lilia changing one way or another. Of course there would also be biological differences that Lilia would have to become accustomed to, and those he would have to tackle differently.

I imagine he would mainly ask the Zigvolts for assistance in this regard, since they already help with watching Silver while he's busy with other matters in canon. Even if we assume that female fae do not menstruate, Mr. Zigvolt is a medical professional who would have some understanding of menstruation (due to taking A&P classes), even if his specialty is teeth. He could at least refer Lilia to the proper resources or a medical professional with more relevant knowledge. If we assume that female fae do menstruate, then Mrs. Zigvolt could be comforting and understanding of Silver's situation. Maybe even Sebek's older sister could pitch in as well!

Either the Zigvolts could explain menstruation to fem!Silver or Lilia could? Knowing how… tactless… Lilia was when dealing with Silver learning he was adopted though, it might be a mixed bag. Lilia might go for a silly explanation, an actually wise one, or he might pull out all the stops and try to reenact the story of an egg cell being expelled from the body via hand puppets. When fem!Silver isn't feeling well, Lilia can sit by her bedside and sing (screamo) lullabies or recount tales of his travels until she's soothed off to sleep.

Imagine Lilia having to take Malleus aside to explain how menstruation works to him too (when Malleus shows confusion at fem!Silver kneeling over mid-training). Maybe Sebek would already know about it because he has a decent sized family and he expresses his concern in the typical Sebek way. "Hmph! If you find yourself faint, it shall be an easy victory for me—but there is no glory in that. Sit this one out, and once you’ve collected yourself then you shall be a worthy opponent!”

... But it would be sort of funny if Lilia asks the QUEEN of Briar Valley for help on this 🤡 "Your majesty!! My little human child is gushing out blood from down there, does she have a wound? Will she bleed out? Should I be concerned") I also find it really ironic that Lilia, an infamous retired general, probably already has knowledge of how to wash blood out of fabrics due to his experience in war. Now he can repurpose that skill to help out his daughter 😂 Just don’t trust Lilia to make snacks for fem!Silver cramping up, he’ll only make the cramps worse with his cooking…

Anyway, I enjoy the idea of Lilia being a father that supports both Silver's (traditionally) feminine and (traditionally) masculine interests and is secure enough in his own identity to engage with them. He'd have so much fun dressing up with Silver and having those tea parties with the animals out in their yard.

[queeriboh]

ok speaking of older!Mokuba and unhealthy coping mechanisms, there's one I've been kind of wishy washy on whether to post or not because it requires a silent mutual agreement to go into this with a mature sense of nuance and understand the difference between sexualizing and general discussions of sex. again this is in the context of unhealthy coping mechanisms, and recognizing them as such. teenagers have sex. that's just a fact of life. I'm not going to go so far as to RP Mokuba in sexual scenarios or write smut about him, especially underage, that would be! really gross !!! but I do have headcanons about his experiences there.

because I think when he first starts thinking about dating and sex, around 14-15, he feels like he's too mature to have either with anyone his own age. he's been running a whole fucking company, he looks at other high schoolers and thinks they're so childish and annoying, and convinces himself he won't get to try those experiences until he's legally an adult anyway. but the older he gets, the more he feels like he's missing out on a normal experience for his age.

I usually headcanon Rebecca as his first girlfriend but then I rewatched her first appearance and realized she's younger than him than I thought so idk about that. but maybe he finds another young genius about his own age and thinks, "this is my only chance, even if I don't really like them, at least theyre on the same maturity level as me and I can finally try it."

and it's bad. that's not a good set up for a first relationship. they both think they're more grown up than they really are, and both end up getting hurt pretty bad emotionally. goes back to thinking he'll never get to have a normal relationship. even when he turns 18, other 18 years old will just seem like children to him. he finds himself interested in people older than himself, and he feels gross about that too.

iiiiiiii have one very specific fic idea I'll never write where he does try to come onto Yugi when he's not-quite-17. they've been hanging out for a while as friends and coworkers, he thinks Yugi sees him as a peer, maybe the power imbalance of boss and employee outweighs the age gap. maybe he's a little drunk. of course Yugi is a good person with a good heart who firmly shuts him down. he can't help but see Mokuba as a kid still, even though he's already towering over him in height by now. but it puts a massive strain on their friendship, with Yugi avoiding him outside of any kind of professional setting for a long while.

I think there's a short period around then that Mokuba engages in some. really risky and unhealthy behaviors, but he's smart enough to recognize that sex isn't enough to make up for the loneliness he feels, and ends up distancing himself from it by the time he's really an adult.

[brasscopperblackandteal]

I just watched The Batman and I have some opinions (Spoiler alert, like, for the whole movie; if you haven't watched it and can and want, go watch it because is really good and it mostly doesn't give Superhero Fatigue):

First, I loved it. Mostly because of The Riddler, SUCH A WELL MADE CHARACTER OMG, they absolutely NAILED the guy from 4chan obsessing over ciphers and conspiracies, that goes absolutely mad from loneliness, with a parasocial relationship with Batman, streaming for a small but maniac and cultish and extremist and armed. He's an internet maniac down to the tea and I loved that they paid enough attention to make him that good

I didn't like the ending tho. Too... weak, common for a superhero movie. If they had let it in the "Oh, you haven't figured out yet?" with a group of maniac followers of the Riddler running around capable of a lot in the next movies it would have been way more interesting

I would also would have liked that they showed Bruce paying for the reparations of Gotham, that he was clearly going to do, but they saved for the next movie, so :(

Another thing: they are so afraid to add a Robin. They are obsessed with Batman Fuck-boy stage. I wanna see that man that's one day away from tripping falling and deciding to never get up again grow, for him to learn to take care of himself (first) and get that child from the ambulance helicopter as his son (second). Now that Alfred is injured they might get the chance but I'm not sure if they are gonna do it

I loved Gatubela's design, not only because it makes me gay but because it doesn't sexualize her near as much, I think her character is mostly recognizible(?) for her tight leather suit so yeah. They could have gone near full remake like they did with the Penguin (he's my favorite) but still good. What I'm mad about is the forced relationship she has with Batman, again. When they grapple for the passport it felt really gross, really outdated, and Selina loses more and more power from there. She doesn't achieve nearly anything she wants due to Batman's intervention, which is beneficial to the plot most of the time but come on let her blew a knee or two out of Falcone please. Also I think her relationship with Batman goes too far too fast, which is sadly a staple in Batman movies, but I would liked a period of Ludus a lot more. Also I don't know why she kept calling Annika friend, maybe it was the relationship they had, maybe it was a corporate decision, I don't know, I don't wanna know

I really liked that they detached the characters a lot from their comic versions, but I think they should have detached Batman a little more. The armored suit doesn't fit with the movie, but they really take advantage of the Theater of Fear so I can't really complain, and I don't know how they would pull of the Bat part while redesigning the character and nor making the fans angry, but it would have been interesting to see. Maybe just more scenes in the Hackerman costume, idk, just a personal taste

(All of this text is personal but in an even more personal note, I don't understand what people find attractive in Pattinson. It's probably because I like woman but I just don't get it. If someone could explain I would be really thankful because I would love to understand but I don't)

I wished they had explained more about the Generic Drug Number 37 that is the Drop. Like. What does it even do? I know is kind of a Macguffin but it would have been an interesting discussion on why is it so bad. Narcotraffic bad? Obviously but what else. What effect has in it's consumers? Is a hard drug like heroin or is just mild like Marijuana? Does it only grow in a way that it creates an elaborate dealing scheme like Cocaine? How addictive it is? How destructive it is? Again, what effects it has on the life of it's consumers? Is it like that drug in Arcane that acts as a healer and adrenalin and that's what Batman injects at the end? Does it have no strong ill effect but the authorities prohibit it for power web reasons?. I feel that it wasn't really developed into, and maybe is a point for the next movie, but It feels like we have been thrown another Generic Drug Bad

The Batmovil was cool. I didn't get to really look at the design and I think I wouldn't like it If I did but I liked the noises it made

Too many action scenes, you don't have to get lowed to the Average Superhero Movie level sweetheart, you can be a grown-up detective movie if you want

Also, I loved how (at least at the beginning, it faded out at the end) the city felt alive. It wasn't just a backdrop for events to happen, touching things had consequences and pulled strings. It felt like a roleplay game, I loved it

The colors were great, my favorite, 10/10

The fact that the batcave was in the middle of the city and accessible from the train line? Chef kiss, amazing, finally a cool one. They should drop the blinding white lights do, they look out of place

So yeah

Good movie

Hoping for a sequel but Joker get the fuck out i want the Scarecrow on this

The Joker is for closing trilogies

First long post (I'm not proof reading anything now, it's 4:00AM, maybe tomorrow), thank you for reading if you have gotten here, and have a nice day!

[yarrowleef]

Read Darkness Within all in one sitting last night and then passed out so here are my scattered thoughts i wrote down as i read, (afterthoughts in parenthesis)

Darkness Within Spoilers, obv

UGH GOD THE SECOND HAND EMBARRESMENT FROM SQUIRREL FAKE FLIRTING WITH ASHFUR IT HURTS

Just remembered Sandynose died and got a small boost of happiness (will Hawkwing and Plumwillow ever be allowed to talk again now? I mean probly not b/c they aren’t protags and non-protags don’t rly have friends but I can hope. Sorry, Hawkwhing and Plumwillow’s short-lived friendship in Hawkwings Journey was one of the last times I felt something)

Ghost fleas lol

Mothwing: i’m rude now. (but more importantly, Fuck Tigerheartstar for forcing his son to be around the cat that hurt him so badly, like he HAS to know how upset everyone is regarding Shadowsight and his accidentally helping the imposter, and he’s making him be the sole one to tend to him??? There is NO REASON Puddleshine couldn’t have done it. You think Puddleshine is going to try and murder someone?? )

Oh no don't make this a traveling book, and a ROOTBRISTLE traveling book this is going to be insufferable

BACON AND EGGS

Lightleap Is Good (Hey didn’t Shadowsight have another sister? lets be real we all knew Pouncekit was going to end up as the forgettable 3rd one)

Bristlefrost’s crush continues to feel unnatural to me. It’s like she’s grasping at straws romanticizing the most generic things.....wow....I love how ur just so...bare minimum competent....being polite to the loner we came all this way to ask for help like any somewhat reasonable person would....How admirable...I love the way you just *clenches fist* exhibit some basic traits of loyalty and skill that literally every warrior has (I s2g I’m this close to head canon-ing Bristle as a clueless aromantic who doesn't understand what romance is actually suppose to feel like so she just looks at feelings of low-bar admiration and assumes “oh I guess this is that “romantic attraction” everyone’s always talking about? guess I must be in love???” because both her crushes have felt out of nowhere and like. Idk fake/forced sounding like she’s just telling me that that she’s In Love Now while I continue to not actually feel it at all from her end. I know it’s just that I hate the way Erin’s write female characters in love but this head-canon makes me laugh)

Got scared because I thought they were going to villainize Spotfur for not wanting kits for a minute, but also excited at the concept of maybe exploring a female character that doesn’t want to be a mother, but it turns out she was just pulling a Sparkpelt and actually DID want the kits all along and was only hesitant because she’s sad. Shrug oh well.  (the only female character in warriors that was distinctly upset about pregnancy and motherhood was Lizardstripe and as we all know she was eeeeeevil and abusive and “overly ambitious” because why else would you not come around to being happy about motherhood?? YES I’M STILL SALTY ABOUT YELLOWFANG’S SECRET, BAD BOOK)  Whatever it’s fine so long as Spot doesn’t lose her rebel leader spirit forever and default to “soft mom” personality for the rest of her life, I gotta have hope because I actually like Bristle and Spot’s current relationship. Also I am actually very grateful they never made Bristle resentful at Spot for getting with her crush, as lots of middle grade/YA media has a very bad habit of demonizing female romantic “competition” and its super gross, so I rly do like that Bristlefrost is so protective and caring towards her instead. )

This series is trying to tell me that Rootspring is actually Big but I refuse to accept that. he has dumb scrawny bitch energy and we all know it

Sunrise: “Thunderclan may be better with a new leader” lol go off (i mean........they right tho...It’s unfortunate that the tension in this whole plot is a bit dampened by the fact that i DO in fact want bramble to die v badly. I don’t even have special hatred for him, I’m just bored of him.)

Yes Lionblaze beat the shit out of Ashfur

*HOLY SHIT THAT’S FUCKED!!!! (I wrote this in reference to the ghost summoning scene, this was all I could manage at the time, that scene was WILD and I am VIBING WITH THE HORROR OF IT ALL)

* Brashfur: Oh yeah? Could Ashfur fake THIS? *stands up with slightly better posture* Shadowsight: oh damn you got me there...... (asdfhhfhhgh im sorry that was really funny, how did that prove anything?? ONLY A ~REAL~ WARRIOR COULD STAND UP STRAIGHT WE ALL KNOW ASHFUR IS INCAPABLE OF GOOD POSTURE!)

End of the book: *LAUGHING NERVOUSLY* WHAT THE FUCK??? (I thought he was just gonna kill Squirrelflight right there holy shit can you imagine the RIOTS that would ensue in the wake of all this Squirrel/Bramble discourse I was so scared for a second.  

 But it’s fine, she just....went to super hell instead......Warriors has come so far lmao WHAT IS HAPPENING

Final Notes:

*On Mothwing, I don’t think her behavior struck me as “CHARACTER BUTCHERING” as much as it did for other people? I mean.....Warriors fans will say that literally any time a character does ANYTHING less then perfectly nice I think her actions just seemed that much harsher because we are reading from Shadowsight’s POV, and Shadowsight is taking everything 10x more personally right now (understandably so, but Mothwing isn’t inside his head) she wasn’t trying to hurt him. Also... like... Shadowsight DID get his name too early. It’s not Mothwing’s job to put his feelings above everything else, she’s not even his mentor, Puddleshine on the other hand, as his main mentor, I don’t understand what his deal is ignoring Shadowsight, that’s not how you help an apprentice but I suppose I chalk many of his mistakes up to also not being the most experienced medicine cat (he barely even had his own mentor.) Maybe he’s distant because he feels guilty and actually blames himself for not guiding Shadowsight better?? the two of them haven’t communicated about it yet so idk

 any way I give Mothwing a pass to be a little short tempered right now as a cat who has had her abilities periodically questioned all her life no matter how hard she works or how much experience she has, just because she doesn’t vibe with the spiritual cult side of the clans, I can understand why she’s a bit defensive of being questioned and frustrated watching so much hurt happen Yet Again due to reliance on StarClan visions over common sense, and I for one still stan her for slandering StarClan and refusing to accept Mistystar’s bullshit banishing like everyone else. Sometimes a character is at the end of their rope and can’t manage to be 100% nice 24/7 and that’s maybe not inherently bad writing? idk just my hot take. At a certain point we all gotta reckon with the fact that our perception of most popular supporting characters in heavily colored by fanon and we can’t always get mad at the authors for not adhering to it

*The sisters magic shit is my fav worldbuilding warriors has had in AGES, I love the way it’s described and it actually feels like it adds something to this world. I love this horror imagery with the ghosts, very excited for that. 

*still won’t be thrilled if Ashfur is working alone, because his motive doesn’t make sense right now. I mean the trying to get Squilf thing, sure, whatever, but the “I will make everyone pay for what they did to me”???? cause like?? Who??? they didn’t do anything to him?? Ashfur’s grievance was very specifically JUST Squilf. He has no other cause for revenge, he had no other beef or complaints about the clans to my knowledge? The cat that killed him is dead, and she’s like, the only other one that I could see as having “wronged” him?? I guess he also didn’t like Firestar much according to Graystripe’s Vow (and on account of how willing he was to kill him w/ Hawkfrost) but Firestar is ALSO dead. I don’t understand his angle. Will have to see last 2 books to judge i suppose.

*All in all I am interested to see where this is going!! but also the pacing as I feared is becoming a major issue. It’s better then ending the main conflict on book 3 like Vision of Shadows did, but omg. Hardly anything happened in all these pages. I realized I was over half way through and nothing about the situation had actually CHANGED or advanced at all in all that time. Similar to the past 2 books which I believe could have been combined, this plot felt like it should have been the first half of a book. Discussing whether or not to kill the imposter isn’t much of a standalone plot, it’s just the set up to a plot. Finding the sisters didn’t need to be a whole long thing, the debates about the Imposters fate didn’t need to be repeated 10 times, all those chapters illustrating that “Shadowsight is sad” were also drawn out, repetitive, and interchangeable, we probably only needed 2 or so chapters showing his struggles to get the necessary information across. It felt like a lot of padding, it was really slow and I did a lot of skimming. I am still very interested in the overarching plot and mystery behind the ghosts so that kept me reading but man this “will they won’t they kill him” plot did not justify it’s own whole book. Alas this is a persisting issue that will never be resolved while they continue to force 6 books into 1 series that doesn’t need 6 books. I’m sure the writers are doing the best they can with these unfortunate constraints but still, it’s a wonder this slow padding isn’t more of a detriment to their younger readers that the books are supposed to be marketed to.

[panlight]

Hey, I just discovered your blog & it’s fantastic. Have you ever through of how it would have been if Bella had been an actual vegetarian? How would it have affected her relationship with not just Edward/the cullens but with Jacob who is a shapeshifter

Welcome! And thank you! It could have been in an interesting bit of tension, right? In the movie she’s somewhat implied to be a vegetarian but it doesn’t really go anywhere and isn’t referenced in the subsequent movies. 

I think there’s a discussion to be had about whether it’s more ‘right’ to kill bad humans or kill animals, and if Bella were a vegetarian or a vegan this might have come up in the story.  SM’s take which she described either on the Lexicon or on her website was basically: the Cullens all come from an earlier time period and cultures were vegetarianism wasn’t as common as it is now. In some cases, like with Emmett’s poor family, you ate to survive. You couldn’t be picky. Emmett went out hunting and brought back food for the family. Esme grew up on a farm on which presumably some animals were raised to be eaten. Carlisle’s whole logic as a newborn is basically “if humans eat venison then it’s not wrong for me to drink deer blood.” Plus you couldn’t get certain vegetables and fruits all year round. You had what you grew and could save for the winter and maybe whatever the grocer had but you were limited by lack of refrigeration and delivery systems. That’s where they’re coming from. Rosalie, for example, clearly has no problem with killing (certain) humans, but she won’t feed on them; to feed on humans is to distance herself from humanity; to feed on animals they are behaving more like humans do. 

But a vegetarian Bella in the 2000s would have a different perspective. With the exception of food deserts--places where there is no grocery store or other healthy food options within a certain distance--there are a lot of options now. Bella didn’t grow up hunting to feed her family, or farming animals, or only being able to get her favorite fruits and vegetables at certain times of year. She has the luxury of having a different perspective on food and animals. A vegetarian Bella might not think of it in terms of “by ‘eating’ animals we are behaving like humans” and instead think “animals are innocent you should be eating bad people.”

The wolves, too, occasionally hunt while in wolf form. I was surprised at this in BD because I had just assumed they only really ate when they went back to human form, other than I guess someone like Jacob who just wolfed off into the woods in angst for a few months at a time. But since they hunt and kill animals for food, too, that could be another point of contention with a real vegetarian Bella. 

As for what a vegetarian Bella would do when she becomes a vampire, idk. She doesn’t have Edward’s power to easily find and verify ‘bad’ people. She was grossed out by blood as a human but instantly accepted it as a vampire, so maybe likewise her priorities would shift. Or maybe she would compromise by only hunting ethically--no young animals, no mothers, only overpopulated animals or only sick animals who would die anyway or something.

[chaoticminhos]

blue

pairing: lee felix x reader

genre: angst, fluff

warning(s): none

a/n: uhh idk how i feel about this one but hopefully you enjoy it!

you shut your locker door, eyes locked onto your phone screen as you made your way to your first period class. you had been typing a message to your best friend, lily, when you bumped into someone, running straight into the chest of lily’s older brother, felix.

felix was in the grade above you and lily, making him a senior in high school. felix was friends with 8 other boys, age ranging from sophomores to seniors like himself. they didn’t like being referred to as the popular boys, but that’s what they were. you and lily, on the other hand, were not. the only reason everyone knew your names around school is because of lily being felix’s sister and you being her best friend. otherwise, no one payed attention to you. i mean, you were a junior in high school and you had yet to have a date to a single dance. lily had a boyfriend, but you hadn’t ever had one.

you raised your head to apologize to the person you bumped into, changing your plan when you noticed it was felix.

you smiled at him, “watch where you’re going, dumbass.”

he laughed as you began to walk away, grabbing you by the shoulders and pulling your back to his chest, “what? what did you say?”

you laughed, thrashing in his grip, “nothing! never spoke a word in my whole life!”

you broke free from his arms and ran to hide behind one of his friends, changbin.

felix laughed, “oh, come on, y/n, pick someone taller to hide behind! i can see right over changbin!”

changbin abandoned you in the open as he darted forward to playfully hit felix, but was cut off by your best friends voice.

“hey, get your own y/n! this ones mine.” lily pulled you by the arm out of the crowd of her brothers friends. felix and changbin stilled their playful fight, standing up straight to address the new voice.

felix smiled and stepped towards you and his sister, ruffling her hair, “keep telling yourself y/n likes you more than me, little sis.”

lily did not find his joke funny, huffing as she dragged you away by her grip on your arm and to your shared first period class.

she sat down in the seat beside you and looked at you with a frown on her face, “my brother and his stupid friends are so annoying, god.”

she buried her face in her hands, resting her head on the desk. you guessed it was just a sibling thing, because you actually found that entire group very entertaining and fun to be around. not to mention that they were all drop dead gorgeous. you’d never tell lily this, but you thought felix was one of the most ethereal people you’d ever seen.

as the time for class to begin came nearer, more people found their way to the classroom. with lily still having her head on the desk, probably having fallen asleep, you had nothing to do but scroll through your phone. just as you were about to pull out your headphones, you heard one of the girls entering the classroom discussing something with her friends.

“the dance is this weekend already? oh my god, i need to get a dress.”

“really? i have mine already, wanna see a picture?”

you tuned them out for a while, but didn’t put your headphones in. you had forgotten the dance was this saturday. you still weren’t sure if you were going or not, to be honest. you were sure that if lily brought her boyfriend you’d be third wheeling the entire time, and there wasn’t anyone else you really wanted to spent the dance with.

“hyunjin and felix? how do they not have dates by now?”

at the mention of familiar names, you began to listen in again. you chuckled at their confusion, hyunjin always waited until last minute to get a date. he never really went with anyone as a real date, but he always brought some girl to entertain him for the night, whatever that may include. felix though, you were a bit surprised by. although he hadn’t had an official girlfriend since his sophomore year, he nearly always had some girl stuck to his hip. he wasn’t a player or a fuckboy, though, he claimed that he had only slept with a few of the girls he had been with. either way, you were sure that both boys would have a date secured by the time saturday rolled around.

the teacher walked into the room as she greeted your class good morning, forcing you to shove the thought of the dance to the back of your mind.

school passed slowly and painfully, but eventually, just as most days, you ended up walking to lily’s house after school while listening to her complain about something her boyfriend had said.

you reached her front door before she did, testing the knob to see if it was locked. it wasn’t, so you pushed the door open and stepped inside, immediately to be greeted by a living room of 9 loud high school boys.

lily stepped in beside you, rolling her eyes, “jesus christ, can we go to your house?”

you turned to her as you shook your head, “mom has clients over.”

lily grumbled as she pushed her way past the boys and into the living room, tossing jisungs jacket off of the couch and replacing it with herself.

you sat your things down by your shoes and followed your best friend to the couch, lifting her legs off of the cushion so you could sit down beside her. not long after, the boys piled their way into the living room as well.

“seriously,” lily began, “can you guys go to like chans house or something?”

“nope,” felix popped a chip into his mouth, “we were here first.”

he chuckled as his sister rolled her eyes, making eye contact with you and sending a wink your way, “plus, what if i wanna stay and hang out with y/n?”

lily let out an audible sign of annoyance at that.

“literally felix, for two seconds, can you stop hitting on my best friend? it’s fucking gross.”

changbin piped up, “hey felix, don’t you have a spot open for your date to the formal in a few days?”

lily immediately interrupted, “oh my god, no, not happening.”

you wouldn’t be opposed to going to a dance with felix, or even going out with him in any other way. he was good looking and you enjoyed being around him. you’d always had a childish little crush on him since you and lily met back in 6th grade, but you knew lily would never okay the two of you dating, so you never tried to be anything more than friends with the boy.

“why not?” continued changbin, “neither of them have a date! it’s perfect!”

lily shook her head, “no. nope. hyunjin doesn’t have a date either, does he? why can’t she go with him?”

you let out a chuckle, “or felix and jinnie could go together.”

hyunjin leaned forward and shoved you softly as he and everyone else laughed at your joke, “i mean, i’m down if you are.”

you blushed at his words and the soft and warm smile he was sending you. it’s not that you had a crush on him, even, it’s just that one of the most attractive and popular boys in your high school was asking you to a dance and although you assumed it would be as friends, he never said it was.

jisung let out a cheer, “woah felix, you’ve got competition!”

felix laughed at jisungs words, but his eyes didn’t smile with him. you didn’t have time to think about it before hyunjin was speaking again.

“so, miss y/n, will you go to the formal with me?”

lily clapped excitedly and you looked over to her. she gestured for you to look back at hyunjin, so you did.

“um, sure?”

the boys cheered and shoved hyunjin around and you laughed at their actions.

“lily,” called chan, “didn’t think you’d be so excited about this!”

she laughed, raising her eyebrows in a teasing manner, “anything to keep felix off of her.”

felix chuckled, “who says this is gonna stop me?”

the rest of the night went normally, all 11 of you blowing off your homework to watch movies huddled together on lily and felix’s couches. lily often said the boys annoyed her, but you knew she enjoyed moments like this more than anything.

after finishing two movies, the sun had set and your curfew was approaching, as well as many of the other boys’. you all stood up, save lily and felix, and began to get ready to leave.

“hey,” chan called to you as you put your shoes on, “need a ride? it’s dark out, you shouldn’t walk.”

you were about to agree and thank him when felix spoke, “why doesn’t her new boyfriend give her a ride?”

his words were playful and his tone was light, but when you glanced over to him, his face didn’t look like he meant it to be funny. you shrugged it off, he was probably tired.

hyunjin chuckled as he sent a wink your way. you could tell he was enjoying the attention, and you couldn’t lie, you were too. you look at him as he pulled his keys from his pocket with a smile, gesturing you to follow him.

you were so wrapped up in the interaction that you barely noticed felix rise from his seat on the couch and head upstairs to his room.

you didn’t have any romantic feelings for hyunjin and you doubted he had any for you, but you felt butterflies in your stomach as he took your hand and lead you to his car. you knew he was probably just playing into the fun and enjoying the attention, but you couldn’t help but think to yourself that you could fall for him.

the ride home wasn’t very long, but hyunjin turned on some music and the two of you sang at the top of your lungs until he pulled into your driveway. you unbuckled you’re seatbelt and stepped out of the car.

“hey, wait, don’t i get a goodbye kiss?” hyunjin pouted.

you laughed as you shut the car door, slapping the hood of his car on your way inside while yelling to him.

“oh you wish, hwang!”

you could hear his laugh through the shut car doors, and you laughed to yourself as you entered your house. you found your way to your room and got yourself ready for bed, thoughts of hyunjin and felix on your mind.

you didn’t want to get yourself worked up, knowing you and hyunjin were most likely going as friends, but you couldn’t help but think that maybe he was what you needed to finally get over felix.

—

the news of hyunjin asking you to the dance was well known by the time you walked into the school. no one approached you and asked about it, but you heard people talking about it as you passed them. some of the comments were supportive and happy, others not so much. you also picked up on the fact that felix had found himself a date since the previous night. he had called her and asked her soon after everyone left his house the night before.

you kneeled down beside your locker as you rummaged through your backpack, trying to get everything to sit in it in a comfortable way that didn’t leave the book corners stabbing into your back.

you stood and closed your locker door just as lily and her brother and his friends were heading past you. you raised your hand and waved to them, to which felix took the opportunity to high-five you, interlocking his fingers with yours as your hands fell. you laughed, shaking his hand off of your own, smiling at hyunjin, who was on the other end of the group.

he made his way through the group and to you.

“so,” you began, “word spread fast.”

he chuckled, “yeah, no kidding. i don’t even know how everyone found out so quickly, i only told the guys and a few other people.”

you smiled, “lily has a big mouth.”

your conversation was cut short as the bell rang and everyone split ways to head to class.

the rest of the week went similar to that, you and hyunjin didn’t interact too much more than usual, other than when people made a point to bring it up and when you were discussing what you’d wear to the dance.

you’d noticed a few times since the night hyunjin asked you to the dance that felixs eyes didn’t crinkle every time he laughed at one of hyunjins jokes and he didn’t tease you quite as often, but you didn’t think too much of it. he had a date to the dance, and probably didn’t want to upset her by being flirty with other people, even though everyone knew they weren’t anything serious.

when saturday finally rolled around, you went to lily’s house to get ready. the boys had gathered at chans place, so felix wasn’t there to bother the two of you.

you slid the dress over your shoulders, looking at yourself in lily’s full body mirror. you and hyunjin had settled on blue, a pretty basic color for a high school dance.

lily gasped when she saw the way the dress looked on you, “you look amazing, oh my god, hyunjins not gonna know what hit him.”

you laughed, but you couldn’t help the thought at the back of your head that was asking what felix would think of your get up.

lily put on her dress and had you tie her hair into a tight braided bun before helping you with your own hairstyle. you didn’t want to wear too much makeup, settling on just concealer for a few spots, eyeliner and mascara, and lipgloss.

lily was more into makeup than you, and she took a while to do her full face of makeup, but you thought she looked stunning when she finished. some people would say she wore too much makeup, but you loved her creativity and confidence.

on perfect timing, there was a knock on the front door. lily ran downstairs, saying she’d check if it was her boyfriend or hyunjin. the four of you agreed to meet at lily’s house and carpool to the dance.

you made your way downstairs and we’re greeted by lily’s boyfriend, but weren’t given much time to introduce yourself to him before hyunjin knocked on the door.

lily let hyunjin inside and went to grab her things from her bedroom before the four of you piled into hyunjins car and headed to the school. you and hyunjin sat in front with lily and her boyfriend in the back seats.

“you look really nice, y/n.” hyunjin smiled at you from the drivers seat.

you looked him up and down as best as you could in the small car and pretended to be thinking before replying.

“you look okay, i guess.”

he took one hand off the wheel momentarily to lightly shove you, commenting on how if you kept being mean he’d kick you out of the car and make you walk to the dance in your heels.

hyunjin parked his car in the school parking lot as close to the building as he could. he took the keys out of the ignition and stepped out of his car, jogging around to open your door for you.

you took his hand as he helped you out of his car, waiting for lily and her boyfriend to walk inside. the dance had technically began a few minutes before you arrived, but none of you were too worried, it wasn’t anything even close to being as big of a deal as prom was.

the four of you entered the school and walked into the gymnasium that the dance was being held in, your arm secured around hyunjins.

the two of you matched super well considering you’d only agreed to be dates a few days prior. he had a blue tie around his neck that was nearly the same color as your dress with a white button up and black dress pants, complimenting your outfit perfectly.

lily drug her boyfriend off to introduce him to her other friends and hyunjin lead you to where he spotted his friends standing off to the side, ignoring the looks you two got as you made your way across the room.

hyunjin removed his arm from your grip to greet each of the boys with a small hug or a high five, politely introducing himself to their dates and saying hello to the ones he already knew. you did the same, greeting each of the boys and their dates.

“wow,” felix blinked, “you look really good, y/n.”

you beamed up at him, “thank you! hyunjins lucky he had a tie that matched my dress.”

you chose to ignore the way felix tensed when you mentioned the name of your date, choosing instead to grab his arm along with hyunjins and drag them into the middle of the gym where everyone was dancing. his date as well as few of the others followed and you all laughed and danced for a while.

you were in the middle of chatting with jisungs date, who he had brought from a different school, when the music changed to a slow song. you began to walk off of the dance floor and towards the side, but you didn’t get far, as hyunjin caught your hand with his and motioned for you to follow him back to the center of the floor.

he guided your hands to his shoulders before placing his gently on your hips, pulling you so there wasn’t much space between the two of you, but still enough to not make you uncomfortable.

you smiled up at him, your cheeks turning red. he chuckled when he noticed.

“what? embarrassed?”

you nodded, “little bit. no ones ever asked me to slow dance before.”

he smiled, “oh, i get the honors?”

“i suppose you do.”

you locked eyes and his smile began to slowly fall from his face, and before you knew what was happening, his lips were on yours. you tensed in his arms from surprise, letting yourself relax when you comprehended what was happening. he slowly pulled away, scanning your face for discomfort, smiling when he saw none.

the moment was short lived, however. just moments after the sweet interaction, hyunjins eyes locked with something behind you and his smile fell. he removed his hands from your body and rushed in the direction he was looking. you turned around in confusion, seeing him follow felix out of the gym.

worried something had happened, you followed after him and found him and felix talking in an empty part of the hallway. felix noticed you before hyunjin did, stopping in the middle of what he was saying and storming off.

“whatever hyunjin, thanks a lot.”

you hurried over to hyunjin, placing a hand on his arm as he ran his hands through his hair.

“fuck, i’m sorry, y/n.”

you furrowed you’re eyebrows, “hyunjin? what’s wrong?”

“i messed up- fuck.”

he saw hurt and confusion flash across your face.

“no, no, no, i don’t regret kissing you, i promise. it’s just that i figured since felix didn’t intervene when i asked you out the other night and he hadn’t said anything to me about us coming here together until now i figured he was finally over you and i could shoot my shot but apparently-“

you cut him off, “hyunjin, slow down, what’s going on?”

“i like you, y/n, i do, but i can’t do this to felix.”

you didn’t respond for a moment, taking time to process everything that had happened within the last few minutes. hyunjin kissing you was a big enough shock, but now he was saying felix had feelings for you? that he couldn’t be with you because felix wanted to date you? the same lee felix that you’d had a crush on for years and also were strictly forbidden by your best friend to date?

you pulled hyunjins hands from his face, forcing him to look at you, “where did felix go?”

“home, i think. he might still be in the parking lot.”

you grabbed hold of hyunjins hand and ran as fast as you could to the door in heels. you scanned the parking lot for felix and saw him unlocking his car.

“felix!”

his head snapped up and he watched you and hyunjin make your way to him. he unlocked his car and threw the door open, ready to get in. he locked eyed with hyunjin and scoffed.

“really, hyunjin? you couldn’t just leave it? you had to come rub it in some more?”

he moved to get into his car before you spoke again, “felix, wait.”

he clenched his jaw as his eyes went from hyunjins to yours. it was hard to believe the same annoying and cuddly felix as always was the same boy standing in front of you with anger filling his eyes.

“i like you.”

a look of confusion flashed over his face and he blinked down at you, “what?”

“i like you, felix.”

he slowly removed himself from his car and shut the door, standing in front of you and hyunjin. he looked at hyunjin with a slight frown.

“but he- you kissed him, though.”

you sighed in frustration, “felix can you stop talking about him kissing me and do it for yourself?”

you didn’t give him time to think, stepping towards him and cupping his face with your hands as you pressed a kiss to his lips. you felt him relax against you, bringing his hands to rest on your waist. he broke the kiss first, pulling away and diverting his eyes to hyunjin, who was trying as hard as possible to keep his eyes focused on anything other than the two of you in front of him.

felix let out a small laugh, “sorry for blowing up, hyunjin.”

“huh? oh, uh, yeah, it’s alright man. i should probably,” he gestured to the building, “you know, you kinda left your date alone and... yeah.”

hyunjin hurried back into the school, feeling like he had witnessed a moment that should have been saved for just you and felix.

felix turned his attention back to you, leaning forward and placing another kiss to your lips hesitantly, like he was afraid you’d change your mind and push him away. you felt him smile against your lips as you kissed him back. you walked him backwards until his back was against the side of his car, to which he immediately took you by your shoulders and swapped your positions, so you were pinned in between the car and him. he laughed at the surprised sound you made, kissing you again, rougher this time. he pulled away before getting too carried away, he didn’t want to rush things.

“you know, i was gonna ask you to this dance.”

you smiled, “why didn’t you?”

“hyunjin. and lily.”

your heart sank, you forgot about lily. what were you going to tell her? you knew how much she hated the idea of you and felix together, even when it was just innocent jokes and harmless flirting. how was she going to react to it being a real thing?

felix noticed the look on your face, bringing his hand to your chin and tilting your head up to face him.

“we’ll figure it out.” he kissed you again, “i promise.”

he released you from his arms, telling you to get into the passenger seat.

“we’re going on a date.”

you laughed, “now?”

he buckled his seatbelt and turned the car on, “when else?”

felix drove you to a cafe near the school, having you order whatever you wanted and insisting that he’d fight you if you didn’t let him pay.

you and felix sat at the cafe for the rest of the night, talking and having fun. it wasn’t uncomfortable, you and felix talked often anyway. the only difference was that you both knew of your feelings for each other. you would have stayed all night, but felixs phone rang with a text from his sister, asking why he wasn’t home an hour after the dance ended. he typed a reply that he was with the boys before driving you to your house, kissing you one more time before you went inside.

the next few weeks continued like this, late night dates and keeping your relationship from lily. you planned to tell her eventually, you just needed to figure out how. you didn’t end up figuring out a plan of how to tell her, however. she found out before you or felix were ready to tell her.

you were sat with felix in your living room, cuddled into his side as you watched the movie playing on the screen in front of you. lily was supposed to be out with some of her friends, and you had told her you were going to stay home and help your mom prepare for her next clients, even though both of your parents were out for the night.

she believed it, of course. it wasn’t uncommon for you to skip social gatherings to stay home, you liked your alone time.

somewhere a few hours into your movie night with felix, the both of you fell asleep with you cuddled into him and his arms secure around you.

you were both woken suddenly by the sound of your front door flying open and lily storming in.

“oh my god, y/n, you won’t believe what-“

she paused when she got to your living room and caught sight of you and felix huddled together under a blanket, not having had time to separate yourselves before she stormed in.

she frowned in confusion, “what’s-“

“oh my gosh, lily, i’m sorry, i didn’t know you were coming over.”

you frantically separated yourself from felix, but you knew she’d already seen enough to know what was happening.

“yeah,” her face went from confused to angry, “i texted you.”

“i’m sorry, i didn’t see it-“

“obviously not.” she turned to felix, “you’re such an asshole.”

she moved to leave the room, but felix jumped up from his seat next to you and stepped between her and the exit.

“please, lily, let us explain.”

she tried to shove past him, “explain what, felix?” you could hear her voice shaking, she was going to cry. “she’s my best friend! can’t i have one fucking thing without you needing to take it away from me?”

he grabbed her arms, holding her so she would stop trying to get past him. he expected her to fight back harder, but instead she relaxed into his arms and sunk to the floor, tears falling from her eyes.

“you have so many close friends, felix. i only have y/n.”

“you have tons of friends lily, what are you talking about?”

“no!” she began to fight against him again, “no, you don’t understand, none of them stick with me like y/n does! you have all of the boys to care for you and now you have y/n too. why couldn’t you let me have one thing that makes me happy without ruining it?”

you kneeled beside them, placing a hand on lily’s shoulder, “lily, you’ve been my best friend for years, you still are. nothing is going to change that. i’m not leaving you for felix, i promise. i would never leave you.”

she stared at you through teary eyes and a frown, “you ignored me tonight to hang out with him.”

you sighed, “i know, and i’m sorry. but this is no different than if i was with someone other than felix. no matter who it is, you’re going to have to share me with them.”

she brought a hand to her face and wiped her tears away, and felix loosened his hold on her.

“yeah, but at least if it was someone else i could hang out with you and him. i don’t want to see you eating my brothers face 24/7.”

you let out a weak laugh, “we can agree to keep the PDA on a low, okay? we hang out with the boys a lot anyway, right? it won’t be too much different.”

you smiled when you saw her lips begin to curl upwards, “i guess. just... don’t kiss in front of me.”

before you could agree to her conditions, felix leaned forward and placed a quick kiss to your lips, getting up and running out of your living room right after.

you laughed as lily hurried to her feet to chase him, “you suck, felix!”

you heard him call from somewhere around your house, “nope, y/n does that!”

“i’m going to throw up, oh my god!”

[thephantomofthe-internet]

Read into Me Chapter 4: North and South

Steve Harrington x Reader

CATCH UP ON THE SERIES HERE

Words: 4,753

Warnings: Swearing, bullying, i reference the plot of Wuthering Heights and that has some icky stuff in it idk what to tag that though

Author’s Note: How’re you guys liking the series so far? I’m really enjoying it, I’d love to hear what you guys think, good or bad! Also, is over 4k too much for you guys? I used to strive to hit that mark when I first started but the fandom’s changed so much, I feel like an old fart lmao

Tag List: @divinity-deos @thecaptainsgingersnap​ @wolfish-willow​ @scoopsohboi​ @herre-gud-nej​ @clockworkballerina​ @maddie1504​ @i-am-trash-so-much-its-scary​ @buckysarge​ @wildcvltre​ @stanleyyelnatsiii​ @unusuallchild @alwaysstressedout @linkispink1995​ @asharpkniffe​ @a-big-ball-of-idk​ @mochminnie​ @used-avocado​ @sledgy14​ @the-creative-lie​

You didn’t hear from Steve after that, save for him returning your essay with minimal markings and a graded ‘A’ on the top. He’d gone back to his people as quickly as he’d left them, letting Vicki talk his ear off from across the aisle. You didn’t mind too much, her voice was grating on the ear, but her hair was pretty and she actually seemed to ask him questions. You didn’t know why it mattered to you that she seemed genuinely interested in Steve, but you decided that he deserved someone who cared enough to know him. Everyone deserved someone who cared enough to know them. Tina just talked about herself for the whole class when everyone was supposed to be discussing the book at hand, Wuthering Heights, and it got very annoying. You just filled out your discussion questions and did your best to be invisible. No one seemed to notice except for Mr. Lawrence, who’d scolded you twice now for not participating in group discussions.

“I know that you know this stuff, but I can’t give you participation points if you don’t participate with others.” He handed you back your discussion sheet for chapter four. You’d gotten everything right; Mr. Lawrence was lobbing low balls at the class to try to get them to read the book. You didn’t change your tune; you didn’t want to talk to your peers. It didn’t matter anyway, no matter what you said to them you’d still write down the same answers and get the same grade.

You didn’t hear much about your failings to participate after he handed back your first essays. You weren’t surprised that you’d gotten a low ‘A’ on the paper; you hadn’t tried that hard on it. You noted that he’d given you a good grade on your editing, which Mr. Lawrence noted on the page that he could count it for your participation for the class, since you did so well with it. You couldn’t complain because it was a decent way to pass.

When the bell rang, you made your usual break for it, excited to be on your free period and free to sit in the sun for the afternoon. Tracy Lords was in Samantha’s gym class and with the weather so lovely they’d do class outside, giving you a chance to work on front profiles with her flat, pretty features.

Steve was dreading getting his paper back. He didn’t trust himself to get a decent grade and even with your help he was certain he’d pull above a ‘D’. Mr. Lawrence always handed out pairs face down, so no one got their grades till they were ready to flip over the page. This was the moment that he always dreaded. He found that it was easiest to rip it off like a Band-Aid, just flip it and see so it can be over. He never read comments, he just needed to know if he failed, but the bright red writing on the top of the page caught his eye immediately-‘I’m impressed, Mr. Harrington’ with a 81 percent seeping through to the back of the page. He stared at the grade until the bell rang, unsure if it was even real, if he was even awake. Once he woke up from his beautiful dream, he knew he had one thing to do.

He burst in the hallway like a golden retriever out an open gate, searching for you without really knowing where to begin. He spotted you at your locker. “Y/N!” he called. You flinched, your shoulders hunching into your neck. You could feel people looking at you, which turned you beet red, almost purple, from embarrassment. You didn’t move from your space, hoping that the tile under you would pull back into a trap door and make you disappear from the scene. It didn’t, of course, and Steve found you quickly.

“Look at this!” he held up his paper to you, beaming like a child. You looked at the paper slowly, taking in the grade and the note at the top of the page, then his face.

“Oh…that’s great.” You said, unsure how to really respond. How was supposed to respond to someone else’s B?

Steve didn’t take in your uncertainty, continuing on “Thank you,” he said earnestly, lowering his voice to add “This is probably the best grade I’ve ever gotten in that class.”

“I’m glad I could help.” You couldn’t help but feel a sense of pride in how you’d helped him out. Usually, the only people around that you could help was your grandparents with chores or Samantha with getting out of her house for an afternoon and while you enjoyed helping them out, you didn’t get the same joy from it, having done it for so long. Helping Steve made you feel full in a way.

Tommy Hanson had been trying to call the new kid, Billy, over to him when he saw the whole scene go down. And he didn’t like it. Not one bit. There was a hierarchy to Hawkins, rules to follow until you graduated and either solidified your choices or moved the hell out. Steve was popular, the home town hero, the sports star. That kind of power was not something to throw away on a little nobody. Tommy wished he could be that popular, to have that sort of accessibility and he got close when he kept his friends in the right station. Steve had already fucked up once, that little Nancy Wheeler bitch had already demoted him from sex god to weepy heartbroken sad boy, but that was still working for him. And he needed his backup plan to still be cool.

Tommy stalked up to Steve, throwing an arm over his shoulders. “Hey, dude, come over here, Stefanie Tomlinson’s panties are showing, you’ve gotta see this shit.” He whispered at him, loud enough to make you cringe and look away, turning back to your books and the stickers on your locker door.

“Dude, don’t be gross.” Steve said, turning his attention back to you “Like I said, thanks for the help.” Tommy kept trying to pull him away, but Steve was taller than him and harder to move around.

“Yeah, like I said, no biggie.” You kept your gaze firmly locked on your locker door. You refused to be mocked by Tommy Hanson. He practically pulled Steve away from you, looking you over with a sneer as they walked off. Tommy didn’t like you, which you already knew. It wasn’t easy for him to hide his hatred in a small town. You didn’t know why, but he’d always been like this, ever since you were kids. He used to push you into the mud and chase you off the swings in elementary school. Since you’d grown up, his cruelty had mostly subsided, but the animosity remained, especially after your mother had threatened his family with albeit an unrelated law suit, which succeeded in getting the whole family away from yours. That was the last helpful thing your mother had done for you.

Tommy kept his arm locked around his friend’s shoulders, escorting him away from potential social suicide. Steve held up his arms in defeat, laughing all the way. “Come on dude, she’s not anything to waste your time on.” Tommy said in a voice loud enough for you to hear, but quiet enough to seem like a whisper.

You shrunk in place, unable to pull your eyes away from the scene, a silent plea echoing in your mind for him to look back if he wasn’t a dick head like Tommy, left unspoken but felt in the depths of your soul. You didn’t know why it hurt you as badly as it had; you knew in your head that he no better than his friends. But your heart had hoped that he was different, that he could be better than him. You turned away before it hurt too badly, collecting your books in your arms and rushing off towards your spare period, hoping to find a bit of quiet to recover from what you’d just experienced.

Steve turned back to see you walking away, his laughter dying in his throat, what Tommy said bouncing around his mind. As soon as Tommy released him, he smacked the freckle faced boy hard in the ribs. “Can you try to not be a dick for five minutes?” he asked, getting a laugh out of Carol, who’d been filing her nails without much interest in the whole thing.

“What? Who gives a shit about her?” Tommy asked, doubling back with his hand on his chest.

“She’s a nice girl, dude, don’t be an asshole.” Steve replied sternly. That piqued Carol’s attention. She turned up from her chipped red nails to look Steve over with a discerning eye.

“Oh god, don’t tell me that you’re trying to bring in another Wheeler type chick into this.” She groaned, brushing away a strand of red hair from her cheek.

“Jesus Christ…” Steve rubbed the bridge of his nose “I don’t know what Nance did to you, but you need to calm down on that crap.”

“But you’re not dating her, right?” Tommy asked.

“Dude, all she did was help me with an assignment, that’s all.” Steve groaned. He felt like a dick, being so dismissive of you, he did like you, but he didn’t really even know you and neither did his friends. He didn’t like anyone assuming who he was or wasn’t with, and yet he still felt like a shithead. He didn’t know why but he did.

When you came home from school, your grandmother was waiting for you by the front door, red plaid kitchen rag draped on her shoulder, apron hanging low on her hips. “Your mother called when you were at school, wanted to see how you were.” She said, wiping her hands on the apron. She shook her head, obviously annoyed at the thought of her absent daughter.

“What’d you tell her?” you asked, kicking off your sneakers and putting them back onto the rack. You didn’t hide your distaste in your mother’s asking about you.

“That you were at school and to call back for you later. She told me to tell you that she’d be back in June and that she was bringing back someone special.” Your grandmother replied, turning back into the kitchen to return to whatever she was making. Your grandfather was passed out on the couch, his snores emanating from the living room almost comforting to you as you trekked up the stairs. You knew that your mother wouldn’t call again for you. She could never remember to call you at a time when you might be at home. She certainly wouldn’t be able to remember to call back.

Before you could even set your bag down, the phone on your desk blared from your desk. Samantha was at soccer practise, so you didn’t believe it was for you, but with your grandmother busy in the kitchen and your grandfather passed out, you grabbed the phone, asking “Hello?”

“Hey, it’s Steve,” from his own room, Steve had thought about talking to you again for most of the day, but he’d only found the confidence what the day was over and he was home, where he didn’t have to look at you to speak to you. “I’m sorry if Tommy was weird to you today, he’s an idiot.”

You frowned, brow furrowing “It’s cool, no worries…” you replied. You didn’t feel like explaining how you already knew how much of an idiot he was.

“Yeah, so I was kind of wondering…if you’re not busy…would you mind maybe helping me with the readings? I don’t get this shit at all.” He chuckled awkwardly. In truth he’d had no plan to actually read the novel they’d been assigned, that’s what Cliff’s Notes was for, but he wanted to be around you more, so if homework was a reason to get to be around, then he’d actually read.

“Um…sure, I guess I could.” You didn’t really know what the right answer was for you. You weren’t sure that you trusted him, especially after what had happened that afternoon with Tommy, but your gut told you to say yes.

“Great! What’re you doing right now? Could you meet me somewhere, the reading for the tenth chapter is due tomorrow and I don’t even know what’s happening.” He felt a tad desperate, which was not a feeling he was used to around girls.

“I mean…where would you wanna meet?” anxiety was creeping up the back of your neck. You tried to wipe it away like sweat, but it was stuck to your brainstem.

“You could come over to my place or like I could meet you at the library or something.” Steve didn’t exactly have an answer to that one, he wasn’t even sure he’d get this far. He looked around his messy room, wondering if he’d made the right choice.

You didn’t exactly want to be in his house, but you didn’t have a car and it would take you forever to walk back into town to get to the public library. With a heavy heart, you accepted your unfortunate fate. “I could come over to your place.” You said, squeezing your eyes shut. You hoped that he wasn’t going to take that the wrong way.

“Yeah?” Steve hoped the panic wasn’t evident in his voice. His mother was still out of town and his father spent more time at his office in Carmel then he spent at home as it was. He’d let the mess pile up a bit and he didn’t want to look disgusting.

“Yeah, sure.” You tried to sound casual, but your blood had run cold and your hands had gone clammy. You gripped the receiver far too tightly, your eyes shifting around your room.

“Alright, cool, yeah cool…” Steve said, trying to sound casual “How long do you think it would take to get here?”

“I mean…you still drive the rust coloured BMW, right?” you asked, pulling your curtains back to peer out your window.

“Yeah?” Steve asked.

“I can see your house from my window, I’ll be there in like a minute.” You said.

Steve’s head turned upward, looking around worriedly. He bid his goodbyes quickly, turning his full attention to his messy bed and dirty floor, trying to get every pair of boxers laying on the floor into a basket. He hadn’t expected you to agree to come to his house, and his stomach churned at the idea of freaking you out. He didn’t want to scare you away because he was messy and gross.

You felt as if you’d swallowed your tongue. You rushed for the door, uttering a quick goodbye to your grandparents and pulling your backpack straps tight on your back. It was only five feet away. Five feet. Cross the street and up the driveway and you’re there. You took in a deep breath through your nose and took the first tripping step down your driveway, your body not co-operating with your mind and trying to escape where you were trying to bring it. You needed to calm down, your palms were starting to sweat and your knees had turned to Jell-O. You stopped in the middle of the empty street, huffing out another breath, trying to remind yourself that nothing could hurt you over there. That you could handle anything thrown at you.

Somehow, you made it to the front door without blacking out. You went to knock on the door, but it opened before you made contact. Steve looked frazzled, his hair flopping into his eyes, his expression panicked. “You’re here!” he said, his body blocking the doorframe.

“Am I not supposed to be?” you asked, your hand coming to clutch the top of your opposite arm.

“Nah, nah you are I just-never mind. I’m going crazy I think, come on in.” Steve stuttered, moving his arm out of the way, letting you inside. He didn’t know why he was nervous, he was never nervous to have a girl over. But you weren’t like the usual girls he would invite to hang out by his pool.

You stepped into his house cautiously, entering the dark space like it was a well-preserved colonial mansion. The Harrington household was cold. Everything was navy blue, steely grey, and white. He’d left the lights off in the entryway and the kitchen, although the lights above the grey brick fireplace were on, three white pot lights lighting the whole space. It made his house look ominous. Nobody was around either, you knew that Steve was an only child, but in your house your grandparents were always milling around; sound and voices were everywhere. Steve’s house was silent. The white vertical blinds were left open, and you could see the pool outside, which hadn’t been cleaned yet that day. The carpeting throughout the downstairs muffled your footsteps, adding to the eerie silence.  Overall, the house looked expensive. They had all the latest technology and aesthetically the house was very stylish, it made you want to not touch anything in fear of breaking something. You shivered involuntarily, letting your eyes wander around the house, taking in the massive TV and the matching stereo. All his money didn’t make the space feel like home.

“My stuff’s just upstairs.” Steve pointed a thumb up the stairwell by the front door. You hadn’t realized that you’d wandered out of the foyer and into his house. You swallowed, nodding hard and bounding up the steps ahead of him. You noticed that there weren’t any photographs around the house. That felt a bit homier to you; your grandmother kept most of the photos in intricate albums, only keeping a singular family photograph on the mantle of the white tiled fireplace. That felt a bit right to you, that it really was a home and not a showcase home.

Steve’s bedroom was also blue and dark. His walls were dark blue plaid, with matching curtains. The colour was only broken up by a few posters and a floating bookshelf, which held a couple small trophies and a couple books held between black metal bookstands. His bedspread was a navy quilt,  and his desk was dark wood and heavy looking. The signs of childhood were clear in the plaid wallpaper and curtains, clearly still remaining from a younger life. But beyond it, the room lacked a bit of personality. The only signs of life were the full laundry hamper and the papers on his desk. Everything else in the room could be in anyone’s room. It looked like a guest room or a hotel room. You dropped your bag on the grey carpeting, unsure where to put yourself in the space. Steve was much more casual, pulling out his desk chair and taking a seat, gesturing for you to sit across from him on the bed. You did so, sitting gingerly on the wrinkled bedspread. It was strange to sit on a boy’s bed, much less it be Steve Harrington’s bed.  

“Alright, um…where to begin?” you asked, more to yourself than him. “I guess we should go over what happened in the chapter, yeah?”

“Yeah sure…” Steve replied, picking up his copy of the novel, flipping it open to the chapter. “Uh…so the main chick is in love with Heath and she loves him and they all live happily ever after?”

“That’s…not the plot of either this chapter or the novel.” You said slowly, not looking down to flip your own copy of the book to the marked chapter.

“I mean…that’s what I got from the Kate Bush song.” Steve muttered awkwardly.

“So, you haven’t read the book? Like nothing at all?” you asked. Steve shook his head. “Cliff’s Notes then?” you guessed, looking back to the shelf to see a few of the black and yellow striped covers of the versions of Little Women, Robinson Crusoe, and King Lear. You’d used the reference guides yourself, albeit not as a replacement for the novels themselves.

“You got me…” Steve muttered. He felt like an idiot. It had only taken a minute for him to get caught in his fib.

“Then what’d you need me for?” you replied, setting your book down on the bed next to you, looking him over carefully. Cliff’s Notes would cover everything he needed, they’d answer the questions for him.

“Look…I’m shit at this stuff. I don’t get it. I don’t get why we’re reading this, the book is so boring, even the notes are boring!” he groaned.

“The book is shit.” You replied, deadpan. “Mr. Lawrence is having us read it because it’s one of like three books the county mandates that we read and they gave us Robinson Crusoe last year.”

“What am I supposed to get from it then if he doesn’t even like it?” Steve chuckled, turning to address you fully.

“Well…it’s a tortured love story.” Steve raised an eyebrow at you. You pressed on “Catherine and Heathcliff are in love, but because Heathcliff’s of a lower station than her, they can never be together. And even though Catherine marries someone else she can’t bear life without him.”

“Aren’t they like siblings or something?” Steve’s lip curled upwards in a disgusted expression.

“Adopted siblings and if Emily Bronte doesn’t think it’s weird then we have to ignore it.” You explained with a shrug. You leaned back on your palms, kicking your feet casually. With the windows open, his room was warm and sunny. It faced the woods behind his side of the road, and they looked beautiful from up near the treetops. You’d heard the rumours of Jonathan Byers taking photos of little Nancy Wheeler on the same bed you sat on from the woods. It made you feel icky at the time and uncomfortable now. You didn’t like the idea that anyone could be watching you.

“Then what is Kate Bush singing about? She makes it sound like they get together.” Steve asked. He watched you with a careful eye, his nerves making it hard to even try to catch your eye. You seemed happy, calmer too, and your hair was catching the sunlight from his window, making a pretty crown of light around your head.

“I mean…Catherine dies trying to return to Heathcliff across the moors, Kate Bush is like being her ghost, trying to come back to her love from beyond the grave.” You said simply. Steve pulled out his notebook, the questions written out in wide, square letters. He quickly began scribbling down what you’d said. He pulled out his copy of the Cliff’s Notes and flipped to chapter ten, filling out the questions. You wondered if you should stay or go, but Steve’s profile was partially shaded by the angle he sat at, and the way his jaw jutted out made him look like the statue of David. You slowly pulled out your sketchbook and flipped to a new page. Graphite in hand, you slowly began drawing out his sharp, angular jaw and strong neck.

“So, when did you find the time to read the whole book?” he asked; only briefly looking up from his notes to look at you. Your hair was still pulled up in the bun you’d put it in that morning and your gaze was focused on whatever was behind that heavy looking spiral bound pad.

“It was on, like, the seventh grade summer reading list.” You replied, not looking up. You could feel his eyes on you and the copy of lips weren’t matching the real life counterpart. You pulled your lip between your teeth, using your thumb to blend out a thin line.

“You remembered all that from middle school?” Steve asked.

“Well…I mean the book is kind of weird. Like, it doesn’t make sense, the narrator keeps changing and the speaker isn’t always made known. It was really hard to read, but the story itself was pretty run of the mill. I don’t really get why we have to read it at all…” You explained quietly, switching to a piece of charcoal to add thin, textured lines to the lower lip.

“It’s really shit, eh?” Steve chuckled, turning his attention back to the thin book. “Who’s Isabella again?”

“It is crap. And Isabella’s Catherine’s sister-in-law. She has a crush on Heathcliff, you can write on that, that’s revealed in this chapter.” You explained. You didn’t blame Steve for not understanding the book, you absolutely hated the book when you read it the first time and it was by no means an easy read.

“She’s in love with him, but he’s in love with Catherine?” Steve was scribbling fast, writing down whatever you said.

“Yes and Catherine’s in love with Heathcliff but married Mr. Linton for status.” You replied. Steve and you worked in silence for awhile. Mr. Lawrence expected answers in full sentences and provide reasoning for everything you sourced. Meanwhile, you set a high standard for your art. While you didn’t expect perfection from yourself, you wanted to try to do good work, even just for yourself.

You’d never drawn Steve Harrington before. You’d done pictures of tons of your classmates, Steve just never seemed like someone who needed to be drawn. He had tons of people looking at him and praising him all the time, to his face and behind his back. He seemed like a little celebrity in Hawkins, but sitting on his head, with the sun hitting half of his face and making pretty shadows in the hollows of his face, you saw the small beauty in his features. You knew that he was attractive, that was a universal truth, but now sat on his bed alone in his room, you understood that he really was beautiful. Maybe not on the inside, you didn’t know if he was a truly good person, but on the outside he was golden. Your hands demanded to recreate his features. You felt as though you were carving one of Greek gods of Hawkins high, the best of the town’s beauty.

Steve finished his work soon after and looked to you with a lopsided grin. “I say, and you can totally disagree, that we work better together than apart.” He said triumphantly, jabbing the cap onto his pen.

You looked up with a smirk from your drawing. It was nearly done and you weren’t mad at the work either. It certainly looked like Steve and the shadows were intriguing.  It would’ve made a better painting, but the little sketch was nothing to sneeze at. “I mean, you certainly do.” You replied easily. Steve chuckled, you weren’t wrong; he knew that you were much smarter than him.

“But sure, if you need the help then I’ll help. No big deal.” The words left your mouth before you’d thought them through. But they were true. Despite not knowing him, despite being freaked out by every phone call and conversation, you found yourself still coming back. Your mind was pulled in two very different directions, between adrenaline laced panic that made your hands go clammy and shake and genuine curiosity and intrigue.

Steve couldn’t hide the surprise on his face. He was certain that you’d already on the porch steps, running towards your house as fast as you could. Something in his gut told him not to expect anything. But you agreed. He broke into a lopsided grin, brushing a piece of long brown hair out of his eyes. “Cool, yeah, that’d be great! So, I’ll call you?” he asked tentatively, trying to still give you an out to his own request.

“You already know the number.” You smirked, a yellow sticky note catching your eye. You could see your name and number written in Steve’s wide handwriting stuck to the wall in front of his desk. It made you smile, the small detail of him even looking you up made you laugh. You’d been across the street from him your whole life, but him trying to find you made you strangely happy. You gathered up your things quickly, heading back across the street as another car came into his driveway, an immaculately made up woman in the front seat. She didn’t look you in the face as you passed, focusing on the opening garage door in front of her. You made a mad dash for your house. Everything felt…calm. Strangely calm. You didn’t know if you liked it.

[excitedlysuffering]

hey can you do the headcanons collection thing for shikamaru pls ?

I love this boy honestly like I’m obsessed lmao

I’m also surprised but happy the HC collection is becomin a thing XD

Shikamaru Headcanons Collection

What He Looks For In An S/O~

• Shikamaru is a laid back person, and he’d definitely want an S/O who is chill

• This boy is a GENIUS so he’d be bored with someone who couldn’t hold an intelligent conversation

• I’ve already said it, but someone who’s CHILL, Shika can’t handle a wild S/O

• He would prefer someone more on the homebody side, he doesn’t want to be dragged on adventures all the time ever

• He probably wouldn’t care if they were a civilian, he’d always wanted a plain life anyways

• Shikamaru wouldn’t want your relationship to be scheduled and busy, he’d prefer someone who didn’t mind simple things or spontaneous things

• A patient S/O is mandatory cause do you know how many hours he spends doing nothing and being quiet? He’ll need a saint

• He needs someone who has a passion for things they love, the way he is with his friends/teammates and shogi

• An accepting S/O, someone who doesn’t try to change him, whether it’s his laziness or his smoking

• Shikamaru can be pessimistic and snarky sometimes, so he’d do well with someone who has a thick skin

• They need to get along with Choji. Calling him fat is NO NO bros before hoes

Relationship With Shikamaru Stuff~

• Alright, alright we all know the basic stuff. He’s going to nap, watch clouds, and play shogi with you, that’s old news.

• Shika is not clingy and doesn’t crave constant physical affection in the way that he won’t for the most part look at you like ‘I just wanna hold her’

• He’s (obviously) very perceptive, however, and if he knows you want to cuddle or something he will usually indulge you (with some complaints of course)

• If you don’t mind smoking once in a while, great! If not, he’s very considerate and won’t do it when you’re around

• Shika is not really the ‘let’s go out on a date’ type, he’s more lowkey and prefers to just spend time with you in private

• Surprisingly, he’s a big fan of pillow talks, so, please indulge him

• He enjoys journaling, it’s a way for him to process everything he took in during the day it’s hard being a super genius and he would love if you did that together

• Sometimes, when he’s in a good mood he’ll do little things that he thinks are childish, but how could he say no when you’re so cute?? He ends up loving pillow forts

• Massages will be a big thing between you, he’s often stressed and that really helps him, but he always feels obligated to return the favor

• He’s really like an adorable pessimistic teddybear

• Sometimes he finds the need to rant about whatever and if you’re willing to listen, you’ll have his heart. On the flip side, he’s a great listener, even if he doesn’t have much to say, you know he cares

• Oh, he’ll remember your anniversaries/birthdays, etc, but don’t expect him to make a big deal. At most, he’ll get you a small gift and pay extra attention to you

• Definitely the kinda guy to avoid you on your period, not because he thinks it’s gross or anything, he just doesn’t have the energy to deal with mood swings. He will, however, grab supplies so he can help without being within your range of emotions

• Not that competitive, and if it’s anything other than Shogi he might just let you win cause he doesn’t care that much

How To Lose/Annoy Him~

• I’m 100% sure trying to make him do things is a given, but I’ll say it louder for the people on the back :)

• If you are constantly pestering him and interrupting his peace, he will quickly get fed up

• Please do NOT play hard to get or make him jealous. He’ll immediately know what you’re doing, but things like that just make him frustrated

• He hates mixed signals and dropped hints, so if you have something to say, just say it

• If you try to change him and constantly nag at him to be more productive, he will quickly lose interest

• Talking just for the sake of talking, and not having anything real to say will grate on his already thin patience

• As crazy as this may sound, there is a limit to how much lazy Shika can take. Even if he complains, he always completes his duties to the best of his abilities. If his partner can’t even do that much, he will lose respect for them

• The opinion of people he’s close to is a big deal. If his teammates, Asuma, or his family genuinely think something’s off about you, he will proceed with caution and probably be more scrutinizing of you

• He really has a short temper so be mindful of that, try to refrain from bothersome pranks and annoying him just because

Soft Shika Things~

• Even though he isn’t the softest person you’ll ever meet, he has his moments

• This side of him usually comes during naps/cloud watching

• He doesn’t mind cuddling up with you at these moments and he might even ask for it

• Shikamaru is a believer in the little things, so if he sees you’re insecure he might drop little compliments here and there.

• He’d die if you ever told anyone, but sometimes if he has nothing better to do, he’ll paint your nails, especially if they’re beginning to crack. He loves to experiment and see how different colors go with your skin tone

• The first time he saw you wearing something of his, he had no idea what to think like didn’t you have clothes?? He quickly got past that and actually enjoyed seeing you in his clothes. Not in a sexual way, but like ‘wow she’s really my girl??’

• He actually wouldn’t mind getting a matching couple thing if you were into it. Nothing like a shirt or an outfit, but probably something like a matching stud earring or lighters

• If you ask and no one’s around he might take his hair down around you, but he isn’t really fond of it being touched but what’s the point of having great hair if it can’t be played with??

• Has the worst spring allergies and is SUCH a BABY please take care of him, he needs it

Random Shikamaru Facts~

• Shika has an almost perfect photographic memory, and it can be overwhelming to remember everything so he started doing nothing to reduce the stimulus to his mind, but actually started to reallyyy enjoy being lazy

• He’s actually an insomniac because he feels like his mind never stops and he loses a lot of sleep

• His love language is acts of service all the way

• Shikamaru definitely ends up with a tattoo at some point in his life, it’s something small but significant

• This boy is loyal to a fault, whether you’re his S/O or his friend, he has your back forever

• If he’s close to you he has so much trust in you like he won’t really think about you hurting him, so if you were too he’d be deeply hurt

• He hates the rain or any kind of weather that keeps him inside

• He has spring allergies, but he refuses to acknowledge them so he’ll pop an allergy pill and that’s that

• He sucks at taking care of himself when he’s super busy please help him

• He’s not at all religious, he doesn’t believe in fate, destiny, or karma. He’s really the classic man of science stereotype

• He has traditional views on male/female relationships, but if he meets the right woman who challenges him, that could easily be rearranged ahem Temari

Little Things~

Favorite:

• Place to kiss- Your lips; he’s a simple man really, he’d much rather kiss your lips than anywhere else

• Way to hug- Not a huge hugger, but he likes one-armed hugs where he holds you close to his side for the most part

• Things to do with you- He loves to have deep conversations with you

• Cuddle Positions- He likes when you’re sitting up and he can lay his head on your chest or in the crook of your neck

• Type of date- Outdoors, usually just lazing around under the sun, or if you’ve been apart for a while, he’ll treat you to BBQ

This or That:

• He loves fall, the beautiful changing colors, and the calm atmosphere

• He’s an afternoon person (Idk if that’s a thing) he likes to be productive in the middle of the day, the morning and the night are his personal time

• He can’t cook anything past basic, he never thought he’d need to

• He likes to read strictly nonfiction but might be persuaded to try lighter reading per his S/O’s request

Conflict Happenings~

• Will avoid it at all costs, so if he has to avoid you, so be it

• Thinks it’s a waste of energy to argue when you could be discussing

• It’s pointless anyway. Unless you have a flawless, foolproof argument, he will find a hole and your argument will fall apart

• He hates beating around the bush and would expect his S/O to be more mature than that; so if you have a problem or if he upset you, he wants you to just say it

• He will make subtle efforts to appease you if you’re mad at him. He might be open to cuddling and might take you for a real date

• He doesn’t care to hold grudges so once you apologize and it’s sincere, whatever happened is out of sight out of mind

• On the flip side, he doesn’t appreciate people bringing up past mistakes as leverage if he’s apologized and already paid the penalty

• Yelling doesn’t phase him, he’ll wait until you’re rational and calm before discussing the problem with him

• He doesn’t have a short temper, but certain things make him go from 0-100 real quick

• Once something petty starts, he won’t physically leave, but he will probably mentally tap out

• Would 120% prefer for the two of you to be at peace so if it’s something small he is apt to concede just so things can go back to normal

Modern Shika~

• The quiet genius, because he doesn’t want to have tutor someone or have things expected of him

• Is that one guy you never really like at but once you do you’re like ‘was he always that cute??’

• He is not really invested in appearances, he’ll probably wear jeans and turtle necks or sweatshirts. Somehow he always looks good even though he hardly tries??

• Probably switches from smoking to vaping, assuming he ever used cigarettes in the first place

• He has a car, but most people would never know cause he’s always walking places

• Has popular friends, but doesn’t care to be the center of attention in the slightest

• The one person to probably be ahead in school work

• He always comes up with the most clever ways to cheat but he’s so smart he never needs them

• For studying, he’ll glance over the material no more than a week in advance and be done all hail photographic memory

• He’s down for a good party every once in a blue moon, if he knows the people there

• Would probably be offered money to write essays, but he’s too lazy to do it

• Perfectly okay with being a teacher’s pet (sometimes) if it means he gets special privileges

• CEO of sauntering in the door the second the bell rings

• Never really had the rebellious stage, he doesn’t care that much for showing out but he does like to be out of the house as much as possible

• I can see him with a mid-low maintenance pet like a cat or a gerbil

• He’s that one naturally aloof guy that has this aura that gets him all the girls??

• He doesn’t date around, but I could see him with a no strings attached friends with benefits

• Shika isn’t overly fond of decoration or extra things no matter where he’s living so his living space is mostly clean due to lack of things to make a mess with

• He probably would only have a roommate if finance was an issue and even then he’d probably be a little salty over it

• He’s an extroverted introvert (stay with me) he doesn’t mind socializing, but he needs time to himself to prepare and wind down

• He would definitely have minimal social media, probably only a phone number and maybe Instagram, though he’d rarely post

• At the end of the day, I belong to this sexy genius XD

Masterlist

[avenger-hawk]

Hey hawk, did you observe a pattern among people who participate in Woke-ism culture, they seem to have similar "traits" and "personality"? Dislike the "straight" orientation (usually identify themselves as gay/lesbian/bi and brags they are LGBT every second), they seem to think gender identity is a personality trait etc therefore "I'm holier than thou because I list myself as she/he/they/it". I bet they are gonna scream at me for being whatever "phobic" just because of this post lol

*clears throat* yeah they gonna scream at you but they can’t scream at me because it’s been a year that I am in an lgbt relationship soooo xD

Ofc I noticed this kind of behavior, these woke ppl really like be ‘different’ and tbh the thing I find more irritating is when they define themselves ‘autistic’ or ‘asperger’ or ‘adhd’ whathever other mental illness/condition, because these are serious things that should be diagnosed by a specialist and not an online tests, and usually ppl who have a real problem are not so incredibly vocal about it. Sure they don’t brag with it....”but I don’t have money to take a test and my parents don’t let me!” they say? yeah. could be. but it also could be that you just wanna look special and since you’re socially anxious or shy or just a b*tch, you like to play rude and then justify yourself with those labels, and if someone dares tell you you’re a piece of shit you can call them ableist lol

Same for race or country. Not taking anything away from populations/countries/cultures/religions that have been oppressed, but sometimes I cringe cause some ppl try so hard to fit in this. Like, at some point 99% of populations were invaded by others and oppressed, and I’m sorry for welsh ppl, to just name one (no offense it’s the first that came to my mind cause I read a post recently lol) but if this continues we’re gonna have to seek justice for the victims of the vikings’ raids lolol

Anyway, back to what you were saying. I partly get that lgbt ppl are vocal about what they are bc maybe they can’t tell their families or friends, and they use social media as outlets. but like you said, your personality is not defined by who you f*ck and/or love (It’s not even defined by the fiction you like, actually, but they think so). So while I understand ppl describe themselves in their profile and specify their gender identity and sexuality, for me it’s cringey when they take it too far. Like when they start with all the labels ever, or they make combinations...demisexual panromantic/asexual demiromantic/trans nonbinary aroace spectrum...sounds like a competition of who’s less ordinary. Bonus points if they also add race and illness. Bonus points if they pretend they’re experts and activist and they shit on ppl who ship something or speak of top/bottom bc they’re fetishizing gay mlm/wlw and how dare they, dirty cishets (cause Anon, straight is a too banal word lol).

(also...not to offend ‘aroace’ ppl out there but...when someone is like 12...couldn’t it be that they’re just...too young for caring about sex/love? asking for a friend lolol)

I mean, tumblr has a lot of lgbt ppl and it’s cool, and I know it’s hard to live as an lgbt person cause you can’t do what het ppl do normally, like kissing in public or holding hands or writing cute posts on fb bc someone might bitch or be even worse, so this creates a bitterness and aggressiveness on social media I guess, especially here where minorities are the majority lol. And I too, on my personal blog, occasionally ranted about things like internalized homophobia and queerbaiting, but only very rarely lol and no one paid attention to me, guess I am not lgbt enough hahahah

But, it’s stupid to use sexuality labels as a shield to shit on ppl and then call them --phobic when they react. It actually happened to me a couple of years ago, I wrote something about bottom Sasuke and this self defined aromantic+asexual+autistic+gay american dude attacked me for fetishizing gays. Back then I was in a relationship with a guy so for him I was only a boring straight person I guess, a gross fujoshi who dared like mlm haha. fuck him. If I were the same type of person as him I would have pulled the oppressed card, I could have attacked him reminding him that his country treated italian immigrants like animals, and that they had this veeeery big problem of being unsure about our ‘race’ so in their papers they often wrote ? cause they couldn’t understand if we were poc or not...but it would have been kinda off topic and I cartainly don’t waste time talking about me to ppl I don’t even trust to be what they say.

Also because I was raised by parents who were very politically involved, so I remember them doing activism, like, getting out of the house, going to protests, doing volunteering, even taking me along when I was little. So even tho now everything happens online first, and even tho posts can spread awareness and change ppl’s minds, I still don’t trust when I see those blogs full of angry woke activism, because they seem fake and even those ppl seem fake. It’s easy to scream for justice from a keyboard, in a comfortable house. It’s less easy to protest in the cold, risking to have problems with the police, the government, the pandemic, whatever else.

It’s irritating that wokies want to take the right to like smth in the right way or whatever, telling everyone else who don’t fit in the minority group that they can’t like the thing. Idk, I just wish ppl were like in Eastern Asian fandoms, not making everything about themselves, being open minded enough for whatever ‘different’ thing whether they are into it or not, and if they’re not ignoring it only.

And I do get wanting to fit the minority, as a teenager I was veery punk/gothic, depending on the moment, and I never fit in the majority opinions or habits anyway. And I was kind of fluid with my identity and sexuality, but silly me, I kept it for myself, even tho I discussed with those who insulted lgbt ppl and I wrote stuff where everyone is bisexual by default, thinking that it was how people were born before society conditioned them...I could have bragged but I had no idea about ‘fluid’ or ‘pan’, silly me.

I am so irritated at everything, like the words they use, even the english language that is not mine, is getting on my nerves because it’s the vehicle for their crap, but these periodically trending words are disgusting like these ppl to me.

I migth have gone out of topic again lol.

[apokoliips]

One thing I never really got about vampires in movies especially is the whole "whenever I smell blood I go ballistic and get rlly hungry" because like in twilight and stuff they're at school and at schools there are at LEAST four girls in their period at the same time so I never got it when there would be a big moment of "oh no Kourtney got a paper cut and she's kinda bleeding" and then the vampire dude would be like grunting in the corner because he wants to poke holes in her throat when he's 100% walked past like five girls who are also bleeding like A LOT

Like I get that people are trash and think periods are gross and shouldn't be discussed because they're ignorant and just pieces of legitimate shit but like surely if you write or make a movie that's like oh vampire love story and all that shit you have to brush over the subject of periods and like can the vampire dude tell when girls are in their period

Will a course just walk through their school and be like oh damn Stacy hasn't had her period this month better tell Quinton he's gonna be a dad like ??!!!

OH SHIT would a vampire eat a girl out on her period a d be like oh cool I skipped lunch anyway........and then just be like.....nom

.....

Idk how I feel about that....it makes me feel emotions and none of them are good

I love how I'm acting like there is no such thing as female vampires and like wouldn't it be worse for them because they'd just be in the bathroom minding their mf business and some random girl is just in the stall next to them covered in blood just making them loose their shit...can't be fun

Or like do vampires only like sexy blood? you know like "oh no I bit my lip and it's bleeding sure hope no vampires come and lick it away" because you never hear of someone having a nose bleed and like their vampire love interest licking their nose blood because that just has a certain vibe to it that makes people uncomfortable and I don't think anyone who watches teen vampire crap finds that hot.

This whole rant has gone way off topic but I've come to the decision that vampires only like sexy blood

Thank you for coming to my ted talk

[stilesxeveryone]

The Rewatch, pt2

Feel free to message me about any of my dot points! Ultimately this is just for me, so I can remember all my thoughts the next time I do a season or episode specific fics, but I greatly encourage discussion!! None of my friends watch teen wolf so I can’t discuss things with them :(

Season 1, episode 7

Stiles: I’m not scared of you!

Peter: and I took that personally

To be honest I don’t think I’d ever take a werewolf fight to my high school, like everything is gonna be locked and oh god there are so many stairs and nowhere to hide

I will still never understand why Scott threw Derek under the bus in this episode? Like I feel like saying Derek is the murderer that’s behind everything just raises way more questions than answers and would cause more problems than solutions

Stiles punching Jackson? Valid and wonderful

Okay I’m gonna be honest here, there was a big old chunk of this episode that was just dramatic tension and no dialogue so I did not follow a single part of that because I’m also drawing dinosaurs at the moment

Also I find it interesting that Peter (the big bad alpha) seems to want Scott to kill his friends and join him as pack member. Why does he decide that one pack member is better than turning the others and forcing them to join as well? Maybe he believes it will create stronger loyalty, but in my opinion I feel like numbers are more important at this point in time

Season 1, episode 8

Oh no I hate this episode

Scott and Lydia kissing is actually one of the worst things I’ve ever seen (and why I hate this episode), and wow asshole move from both of them

Watching this episode makes me feel less bad about the fic I half-finished where Scott major attacks Stiles on a full moon because uhhh, it’s kinda accurate to the asshole ways of early Scott

Werewolf - now with added visual hallucinations? (Also I still hate their beta shift faces so much, especially Derek’s)

Okay but yes to a canon divergence AU where Chris and Kate Argent think that Stiles is the second beta werewolf instead of Jackson

Season 1, episode 9

I really wish they put in like any effort at all to make the photos that Scott sends to Allison actual photos? Instead of just screenshots from previous episodes? Like where are my cute couples selfies or sneaky candid photos during study dates and shit

Jackson dos a really good job at being absolutely creepy, like I hate it but also good shit

Stiles, at literally every interaction with Derek, saying he’s not afraid of him and being confident and then immediately being frightened by him (and the same happening with Peter in the high school) is character consistency and I appreciate that

I wish people wrote more Stiles and Danny friendships tbh (as well as relationships to be fair), I just really enjoy all their scenes together

“You must be Stiles” yes bitch!!! I always find it funny how fucking soft Peter says that line, like his voice is so gentle even though he’s meant to be the big bad wolf and all that

I’ve been meaning to say this since episode one but I love the music they use, as in the actual songs and such, but I literally hate the instrumental stuff they use. Very rarely does it build tension the right way and it almost never sounds nice

Season 1, episode 10

I still continue to not at all understand why Peter needs Scott

“You’re way too pretty to be out here all by yourself”

Okay but Allison/Lydia power couple (Lydia looks so good with red lipstick)

The whole scene of Stiles’ father being drunk and saying “I miss talking to you, and I miss your mum” is so soft and sad and personal and I love it

Oh my god I totally forgot about the part where Peter takes Scott’s mum on a date, that’s so weird

Also “you have incredible skin” is so serial killer-y, I can’t believe Melissa let him get away with that

Jackson really needs to listen to his gut more, like stop trusting the scary wolf men and go do some homework (also wow Derek really ripped into him about the fact that no one cares about him)

Season 1, episode 11

My god, Derek deserves to kill Kate. She’s so gross and he deserves a little revenge

Allison getting Lydia to go with Stiles to the dance! I forgot about that! As always, give me Allison/Stiles sibling/best friend relationship or give me death! Also Stiles/Lydia friendship is very good as well

Did Peter just say that Allison should go for a lighter dress? While she’s holding a black and white dress? Sir this makes no sense (also Allison looks great in dark outfits)

Also there’s no way teachers don’t immediately notice Jackson giving alcohol to some of the other kids, they’d be watching the drinks like hawks dude

Jackson goes through so much this season (and the next), it makes me feel so sorry for him

The CGI for Peter’s fangs extending is honestly so gross and I hate it

“Because you’re the clever one, aren’t you” if only more people understood this

Season 1, episode 12

Peter making a period joke is so,, absolutely unnecessary and weird and I hate it

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Allison’s mum is a snake and I hate her

Also Allison basically has to decide on whether her boyfriend is a monster or if her aunt (and family in general) are monsters and that is a tough decision, especially with how manipulative Kate is. I don’t remember what exactly she does in season 2 but idk how much I can blame her for it

Parking garage scene!! My favourite to read canon divergent scenes about

In defense of Scott, some of my passwords do in fact involve the name of my significant other, but in argument against Scott, I’m a little more creative than just his first name

I wish this show gave me the classic wolf howls instead of the weird, low, grumbly sound that makes no sense to me

I tried writing a parking garage AU once and it went horribly, but I think I’ll be coming back to it soon! Having some very fun ideas right now

Stiles and Chris scene! God bless Stiles just straight up not taking any of his shit and putting him in his place about the Hale fire

Also I don’t think it gets mentioned enough that Jackson witnesses this entire scene of Stiles standing up against the big bad hunter

I honestly really like that the code is “we hunt those who hunt us”, I think it’s valid and it’s more about self defense, even if Kate and the others don’t treat it like that

They really set Peter on fire again, huh, definitely not adding to his trauma and major pain or anything

Overall I do enjoy this season, I mean there’s a reason I continued watching it and am back here again for another rewatch. I think there are definitely some issues with the writing, of character morals and motivations not always aligning with their actions and that kind of thing. I really hope that as the show continues I see improvement in Tyler Posey’s acting, because until now I’ve never really paid too much attention to him honestly (which is a concern since he’s the main character).

I do really wish that they didn’t set Peter on fire, and I find it interesting that Stiles and Jackson were more involved with Peter’s death than Scott was. Although if Scott (or anyone other than Derek) killed Peter we would have avoided like all of season 2, but I do enjoy season 2.

I really enjoy seeing the characters interacting with each other honestly, especially Stiles interacting with any of the “bad guys” and the bad guys (Chris, Derek, Peter) and I really wish we got to see him talk with Kate, honestly.

[basilgrimbitch]

Day Two: Swap

Normal high school AU where Baz is new to Simon’s English class but Penny is the one that gets assigned a seat next to Baz. Aka English nerds in love.

Words: 3457

Note: this is unedited and super rushed but its something!

No warnings apart from a lot of swearing. Enjoy!

_____ 

SIMON

“Alright so I posted the seating plan on the class page, did everyone get a chance to see it?”

While everyone scrambles to look at their laptops, I’ve already seen Ms. Possibelf’s seating plan and can I just say… What. The. Fuck. She’s sat me across the room from Penny (honestly fair since we never get any work done) next to some random girl named Trixie; she seems nice enough but so bloody boring. How am I supposed to make it through a whole year of English without Penny? I can hear the complaints layering up in the tiny classroom and I can see the teacher ignoring every single one of them. I don’t think I’ll bother asking for a change. Though, maybe she’ll listen to Penny?

I nudge Penny’s arm, I guess she’s already seen the seating plan too because she makes no effort to look at her laptop and moves towards her assigned seat.

“Surely the fuck not?” I don’t bother whispering.

“I think you mean surely the fuck yes. I’m not failing this semester because you want to tell me a gross story about your arms smelling like Cheetos mid class.” I’m smirking and she looks like she’ll bite my head off. That makes me smile more.

“That was once!”

“It still happened, and I’d rather hear about your smelly limbs at lunch time - or better yet, never.”

We’re cut off by Ms. Possibelf starting the class, or at least trying to.

“You should’ve all written a draft of your persuasive orals over the holidays, now you must refine them and prepare a final copy. These will be presented in two days.”

Okay as much as I’m a clown in English, I’m actually decent at it. I’ve already written and edited my script, so I really have nothing to do. I sit in my seat and glance at Penny, it looks like she’s done too. I’m fairly sure she’s playing fire boy and water girl, she’s playing both parts (because I’m not there) and she’s taking up the entire table, her desk mate looks so uncomfortable squashed into a corner. Who is he, by the way? The name on the roll was Tyrannus, what the fuck kind of name is that? So pretentious.

I open up Instagram on my laptop and text Penny.

Penelope Bunce – Simon Snow

Simon Snow [10:04]: who is heeeeeee

Penelope Bunce [10:04]: who?

Simon Snow [10:04]: the guy ur sat next to whats his name?????

Penelope Bunce [10:05]: got a bit of crush huh :0

Simon Snow [10:05]: oh fk off I haven’t even seen his face,,, whats his name??

Penelope Bunce [10:06]: he said to call him baz

Simon Snow [10:07]: hmm weird but cool name

Simon Snow [10:07]: what schools he frm?

Penelope Bunce [10:07]: idk do ur work Si

Penny stops typing, she looks me in the eyes then turns to speak to Baz, shutting her laptop. That’s such an odd name, right?

They talk, she’s laughing, he’s just sitting there so composed. He doesn’t look bored exactly, just that he’s better than seeming overly excited. Dickhead it is then.

Even though I think I’ve already decided I hate him, I don’t stop looking at them. He’s got long hair, its black and loose just above his shoulder, his skin is this gorgeous caramel that doesn’t need tanning and his eyes, they’re so grey a mix of green and blue I think and – fuck. We’re making eye-contact, not in like oh oops, more like oh shit why is this guy staring at me. He must think I’m a fucking creep. Shit.

It’s not like I care though, he probably thinks he’s better than everyone in this room anyway. But he’s just smiling at me? Fuck that’s a good smile. I think I’m smiling back, I can’t help it. He turns back to speak to Penny, they seem like they’re in deep discussion about something, I wonder what? And suddenly, I catch myself wishing I was her. Um, what?

The rest of the period flies by. Too quick, I think, not that I need more time to work, I just kind of wish… whatever.

Penny, as per bloody usual, is taking her precious time packing her stuff away. I walk up to her table, hyper aware of Baz’s presence there,

“Planning on leaving anytime soon?” I ask, trying to seem as nonchalant as can be, but my eyes keep glancing to him. I think Penny must’ve picked up on it because then she says, all smug,

“But then you wouldn’t get to meet Baz,” she gestures to Baz, who’s raising his eyebrow and smiling a little against his better judgement I think, then she gestures to me and then back again, “Baz, Simon. Simon, Baz. There we go.” He’s full on smiling now. Fuck, how can someone be so pretty?

“So nice to meet you, I’m Baz Pitch.” He puts his hand out for me to shake it – that’s so proper. I’m not even convinced he’s 17. He’s so calm and put together, these are not words you use to describe a 17 year old guy.

“H-hey, yeah, Simon.” Of course, I trip over my words, I’ve always struggled with that but I’m also really fucking nervous for some reason.

“Do you wanna have lunch with us, Baz?” Penny’s throwing her bag over her shoulder, looking at me like she knows what she’s doing to me and then back to Baz with genuine eyes. Penny doesn’t usually get on with people like that, that’s why we’ve been friends for so long, she really doesn’t have other options (not like I do either).

“That’d be nice.” He says, the corner of his mouth inching up, giving his cool exterior away. He’s not a pretentious git, is he? He’s just a boy on his first day of school; that’s fucking daunting.

We walk out the classroom – finally – and Baz starts telling us about himself and his old school. Mainly just answering Penny’s questions. Does he have siblings? Yeah, four half siblings. How come he moved schools? dad moves a lot for business. Oh, is he going to be moving again? Probably not until after high school, by then I could move out anyway.

I’m not usually this quiet. Usually I’m more social than Penny. I don’t know what’s come over me, I wish I could be her right now.

Lunch happens, Baz doesn’t really eat. Not like I was watching him. Well he was sat right in front of me and I just noticed that he wasn’t eating anything. Surely that’s normal.

I finally ask Baz what other classes he’s taking; other than English we don’t share any classes and then I let myself say, “that sucks.” But only because its normal, its not flirting. You can want a friend to be in your class. Penny still looks at me anyway.

But then he says, “I’ll just have to look forward to English,” and my heart melts.

______

I try not to think about Baz right now, in bed, but I am anyway, and I remember him telling me his full name; so naturally I’m suddenly typing it into the Instagram search bar. Aha! He’s not on private, thank the gods of social media.

I start scrolling through his feed, careful not to tap anything of course. There are a few photos of him alone, they’re gorgeous; he dresses so nice. Penny says I can’t dress myself. In one photo from a month ago he’s in this incredible suit, taking a mirror selfie in a bathroom that looks nicer than my whole house. His hair is slicked back (I think I prefer it loose – still so bloody fit though) and his cheekbones are so defined, he’s got that same face he had when we first met today – eyebrows raised, little bit a smirk, beautiful eyes.

I scroll down to the next photo, this one is different. It’s not a hot mirror selfie, its him carrying a little girl – his little sister? – on his shoulders looking up at her with a smile, a real big smile. He’s dressed a bit more casual too, still nicer than anything I own though it’s just jeans and a black button down. I keep coming back to the jeans. How can someone look so good in jeans?

I scroll through a few more photos, some with friends, some more of just him and a few of books he’s reading or places he’s visited. I feel like I know him a little bit better now – less in a stalkerish way more in a… well I can’t think of the write word. I can never think of the write word.

My phone vibrates all of a sudden and I literally drop my phone, so I don’t accidently like anything.

Penelope Bunce – Simon Snow

Penelope Bunce [23:13]: up thinking bout prince charming?

Simon Snow [23:14]: shut up

Penelope Bunce [23:14]: don’t blame u he’s v cute.

Penelope Bunce [23:14]: And smart.

Penelope Bunce [23:14]: you have my blessing

Simon Snow [23:15]: bugger off,, as if he’s even into guys

Simon Snow [23:15]: I was literally such an idiot today he probs doesn’t even wanna be my friend

Penelope Bunce [23:16]: AHA SO U ADMIT IT

Simon Snow [23:16]: did I even have to

Penelope Bunce [23:16]: ofc not. For what its worth I think u have a shot.

Simon Snow [23:17]: sureeeee

Simon Snow [23:17]: fuckkkkk im gonna be so dead tomorrow,, gn love u

I turn my phone off, pull my glasses off chucking them somewhere I probably won’t find them tomorrow and roll over to fall asleep.

______

We’ve got English first period today. I don’t think I’ve ever been this excited for English, but then I remember I don’t even get to sit next to him.

I walk into class and he’s already in there, we make eye-contact – way less awkward than yesterday – and he gives me a nod. Its friendly, it’s nice, it’s already a bit familiar. I give him a little wave with my right hand below the books I’m carrying but then I’m nearly dropping then, and my laptop starts sliding through my arms. It’s a shit show and it’s too early in the morning to embarrass myself, but I don’t get a say do I? As a say good bye to my laptop that is threatening to smash in the ground any second now – and any possibility for anything with Baz – I hear a chair scraping at the floor then not being pushed in. Suddenly, Baz’s hand is on my shoulder; the other grabbing my laptop that’s basically just resting on my belt buckle at this point. I beg myself not to blush, not now.

Baz is laughing. We’ve – he’s – saved my laptop and now he’s carrying it and my books; he insisted I was not to be trusted.

“Alright, special delivery all the way to your seat. You sure you’re okay Snow?” He’s using my last name because he thinks it’s ‘such a waste to not make use of such an iconic surname’. I like the way it sounds on his lips. I think I just like his lips and anything after is automatically perfect. Perfect.

He taps my shoulder, “you okay there?”

“Huh? Yeah yeah, just a bit tired. Didn’t sleep very much last night.” That’s not a lie.

Baz nods and says he’s gonna go get started on the work, I watch him walk away. The school trousers, they’re no jeans but he looks good in everything.

I try to do some work, making cue cards for my presentation, but I keep letting myself look over to Baz. Penny just caught me and stuck her tongue out.

Penelope Bunce – Simon Snow

Penelope Bunce [08:31]: ur staring

Simon Snow [08:32]: am not,, go away

I go back to working on my cue cards after making a show of shutting my laptop in front of Penny. I get through two more cards before I see a pair of shoes approaching my table. I look up and sure enough its prince charming – I mean Baz. He clears his throat and says,

“I hear you’re good at English”

“There’s no way Penny said that,” I laugh.

“True, she said ‘he thinks he’s better than everyone else.’ But I take it for good reason.” He smiles while doing air quotes, I smile back at him because I can’t help myself.

“Well, I definitely don’t suck.”

“Good. Do you mind reading over my script, please? I feel like it needs a little bit of editing.” He hands over his laptop, “don’t drop this one okay?” he chuckles.

I honestly don’t know how to act around him. I’m the epitome of those ‘act normal’ memes. He hands me his laptop and I start reading. His presentation is on single use plastics and it is so well written, he definitely doesn’t need my help. My neck is getting warm and I hope I’m not blushing at a script on environmentalism just because it was written by a hot guy. That’s pathetic.

But he’s not just a hot guy, is he? He’s smart – so smart – and he’s so kind even if you wouldn’t think so; when he helped me with my books today, I couldn’t help but think back to that photo of him with his sister, so much warmth and kindness expertly hidden under a cool and calm facade. I get to the end of his conclusion and look up in awe but he’s standing just behind me leaning forward waiting for my response. That explains the warmth I was feeling.

Baz doesn’t seem like the kind that would ever doubt himself but if you could see him now, you’d think he cared about what everyone thought about everything; and maybe he does, maybe he just hides it really well.

“Baz.” I make eye-contact with him, finally on purpose, “this… its incredible. I don’t even know why you’d ask for feedback. Your arguments are excellent, and your use of inductive reasoning is really fitting.”

His face lights up, a kind of innocent smile creeps up on his face and for the first time I think I want to kiss him. But even more so, I want to be responsible for more of those smiles. “Really?”

“It’s perfect.”

I look away because I don’t want him to see me blush. Penny is looking straight at us, she gives me one of her reassuring smiles.

______

It’s been two weeks of school; all my classes suck but it’s our last year and soon enough we’ll miss it. At least that’s what Penny keeps saying, Baz agrees with her.

Baz has been spending more time with us; we hang out at lunch time, he’s joined us for frozen cokes a few times in the past few hot days. It’s nice. I can actually talk to him now too.

He’s so smart, smarter than I had thought. He’s not just academically smart, he knows more than just surface level knowledge. Yesterday, on our walk to English he was talking about some article he read on the relationship between sleep deprivation and blood alcohol concentration just for fun. Though its nerdy and just a bit lame, the way his eyes light up when he talks about things he cares about, I’d listen to the summary of a thousand dumb articles to see that again.

Right now, Baz isn’t here though, and all my brain can do is think about him.

“Pennyyyy!” she’s lying on my bed while I do my art homework on the floor, she always comes home with me on Tuesdays, I don’t know when that started.

“Si, I already said no like three times.”

“Why not? Do you not love me?” I asked her to swap seats with me in English. I just wanna sit next to Baz, I can say I need extra help or something.

“I love you of course but I don’t want Baz to think I’m avoiding him, and I certainly don’t want Ms. P to fail me for disobeying her one rule.”

“Just please.” I give her my best puppy eyes and pouty face, “I fink I’m in wuv,” I say mockingly. She

throws an old stuffed toy in my face. I guess that’s a no.

______  

The next day I see Baz at the school gates, he’s holding a cup of coffee and his hair is up in a bun today. Flawless.

“Fancy seeing you here,” how can he look so perfect at eight in the morning. I don’t even feel awake yet.

Baz bumps my shoulder with his and we start walking to our lockers. We talk about the English reading we were set, we’re reading Lord of the Flies and Baz is going on about how he and Penny think the book would be drastically different if it had female characters.

“Golding said he didn’t add girls to avoid sex being a subject.” I say, and Baz just looks at me with his eyebrow raised. I call this the signature Baz look now.

“Oh, come on, as if every single kid on that island was straight.” I choke on nothing for a second. Baz and I have never talked about relationships or sex or sexuality. It’s not really a matter of discussion I guess but hearing him acknowledge the idea of guys being together, I don’t know, it gives me hope. That makes no sense obviously, he’s taking about characters from an English novel not himself and really its more an act of Baz’s resistance than it is a nod to gay rights or whatever. But, still, it gives me hope.

“True,” is all I manage to get out.

We get to English extra early after home room, and I start making my way to my seat. Ever since Baz started hanging out with us outside of class, English is back to being plain and boring, nothing special. So, with my shoulders slumped I mutter a goodbye to Baz as I walk to opposite way to my seat but then I feel something on my hand. Oh my god, its his hand. Its Baz’s hand. On my hand. Pulling me towards him. Its not especially romantic or anything. But its something!

“Hey! Swap seats with Penny, come sit next to me today,” surely this is a dream, I must’ve hit my head. “I need your uhhh help with the essay.” Baz doesn’t help, he just discussed key themes of the novel for breakfast. I feel it again, lingering in my chest, hope. “It’s okay if you don’t want to…” he says a bit quieter now, trying to seem as cool as possible. How Baz of him. Fuck I still haven’t said anything.

“What no no, I want to. I’m just not sure what Ms. Possibelf will say; or worse, Penny.” He pulls at my hand. He still hasn’t let go of my hand. He still hasn’t let go of my hand.

“What? Scared Snow?”

“We’re not in Harry Potter, Baz.”

“True. I’m wayyy better looking than Draco Malfoy and you wouldn’t be a very good chosen one. The worst chosen one who’s ever been chosen.”

I hear myself saying, “what so I’m not more better looking than Harry Potter?” Is this flirting? He squeezes my hand. He still hasn’t let go of my hand.

“You needed me to point that out? I thought it was a given. You’re well fit, Simon.” Simon. Hope.

I hum in response and with one final tug at my hand, he lets it go. I follow him (I’d follow him anywhere).

“Sit, I won’t bite,” He grins at me.

“Yeah but Penny will,” she better not ruin this for me. For us. I sit next to Baz and we start working on our essays. He doesn’t ask for help once.

Penny walks into class, glances at her seat, sees us and walks to my – her – seat next to Trixie.

Penelope Bunce – Simon Snow

Penelope Bunce [08:14]: u win. Enjoy!

I can’t tell if that’s sarcastic or not.

Baz notices I’ve changed my window to Instagram DMs and nudges me, “how come you don’t follow me?”

“Huh, I don’t know? What’s your user name?” As if I don’t know.

Baz grabs my laptop, “I’ll just type it in.” I let him because I’m lazy and I like watching him type but then he clicks on the search bar and has the biggest grin on his face. Fuck. He can see my search history, “looks like you already know it.” How could I forget about that?

I must look mortified because he places his hand on mine. Second time today. “It’s all good. I already have yours too.”

Hope.

[repost-this-image]

PSA FOR TEENAGERS:

1. Do not talk about the stuff that makes you horny around people that you know are over 18. I’m not saying don’t BE horny; you’ve got hormones coursing through your veins saying “Hey, time to start feeling horny at the most embarrassing possible times” and you can’t really turn that off. I’m saying DO NOT discuss fetishes with adults. Do not sext or send naughty pictures of yourself to adults. (Distributing porn of an IRL minor is a felony, even if YOU ARE the minor in question.) Do not request or comission pornographic drawings from an artist. (Distributing porn TO a minor is also a felony.)

I’m not saying this to rain on your parade. I’m saying this because p*dophiles exist on the Internet, and too many members of my generation had to deal with shit they were not old enough to deal with because of said creeps. P*dos will totally act like your best friend as part of the grooming process. Which brings is to point #2:

2. If someone over 20 is romantically interested in people under 17, that person is a predator. You might act very responsible for your age; IDK because i don’t know everyone on this hellsite personally. Doesn’t matter. Anyone who says you’re “so mature for your age” and also expresses romantic or sexual interest in you is grooming you for abuse. Period. End of story.

Remember: They go after underage teens because they want someone easy to manipulate and control. If they wanted a normal relationship on equal footing with their partner, they’d date other adults. (No, age differences between two adults aren’t creepy unless the older partner started grooming the younger before they turned 18. Weird, maybe. Uncomfortable to think about, perhaps. But not predatory the way a 26-y/o going after a 16-y/o is, TRUST ME ON THIS.)

3. Your parents have an obligation to care for and protect you, and to help you learn how to assess risk and protect yourself. Your teacher also takes on those responsibilities while you’re at school. Mandatory reporters are required to tell the authorities if they have reason to believe that you or your peers are being abused in any way. But! No one else is under any obligation to protect you from the world.

Some of us may volunteer to help protect you on an individual basis (like a field-trip chaperone). Some of us may give you information like this post on how to protect yourself. But we’ve also got a lot of our own shit to deal with just trying to live in The Worst Timeline. Not all of us have the time or energy to babysit, and we DEFINITELY don’t have the ability to put foam padding on the entire Internet so you don’t encounter anything that might upset or disturb you. It’s just way too fucking big. There were hundreds of TB of Internet 20 years ago when I was your age; imagine how much more huge it’s gotten since then.

So how do you deal with going to a webpage that makes you uncomfortable? Simple. Have a moment to cringe and say “OH DEAR GOD WHY,” if you like. Then hit the Back button and go look at pictures of kittens or something to get your mind off the Squick.

DO:

Block tags that disturb or gross you out on fandom and social-media sites, so you’re less likely to get a nasty surprise. This is exactly what the ability to block tags was invented for. :)

Being disgusted, feeling uncomfortable or unsafe, suck but they are not the same as having your PTSD triggered. Please don’t use the word “trigger” for stuff that just grosses you out; that trivializes the actual trauma of PTSD sufferers. Just say “that makes me uncomfortable.” Please. As someone who’s flinched from innocuous shit my husband does because of how bad my dad fucked me up, I AM LITERALLY BEGGING YOU.

If an adult starts creeping on you, say “I’m underage and don’t feel comfortable with this. Please stop.” If they don’t, then take screenshots in case you need them for legal evidence, and BLOCK THEM IMMEDIATELY after that. Don’t even fucking respond; they’ve already ignored your boundaries by persisting, and that means that they are dangerous.

DON’T:

Agree to meet anyone online that you don’t know IRL without your parents being there. If they don’t want your parents around, that is a HUGE red flag.

Put personally-identifying information on public webpages. Your age; your last name; your phone number; the town you live in; even your first name if it’s unusual enough. These are tools that Nasty People can use to find you. Make it as hard as possible for them to do so.

Hate on people for shipping characters you don’t ship. It would be an abusive relationship? They know; they can handle that because fictional characters aren’t real and can’t really get hurt. It’s not canon? Doesn’t matter; part of the fun of being a fan of something is imagining “What if?” One of them died 100 years before the other was even born? Does. Not. Matter. It’s fiction; they are not interfering in the real lives of real people by shipping. Don’t intimidate, harrass, or threaten someone for wanting to imagine 2 characters kissing that you personally wouldn’t want to imagine kissing each other.

Insist that someone who has tagged a fanwork as “That Thing That You Hate The Most,” take down the fanwork because it contains That Thing You Hate. They put a warning label on it. If you ignore warning labels, bad things happen; you wouldn’t ignore a DO NOT DRINK label on a bottle of household cleaner, so don’t ignore tag warnings. They are there to protect your mind, just like the DO NOT DRINK on the bleach bottle is there to protect your body. Just say “OMG WHY” to yourself, hit Back, and find something better to look at. Don’t view that fanwork; don’t leave a comment on the fanwork; just Walk. Away.

Don’t make callout posts that have images of The Exact Shit You’re Warning About in them. You’re just exposing more people to the same shit that offended, disgusted, or outright PTSD-triggered you! Don’t do that to people, guys. I’ve seen way more Disturbing Shit in callout posts than I have elsewhere at this point, and I read weird fansmut as a hobby, so that’s saying a LOT. Please, please stop exposing us to that stuff!!!

[mytcisanartteacher]

The only thing that keeps me alive this whole quarantine is dreaming about my TC. Ever since school got out, I've been dreaming about him. Not in a sexual way, like in a way he's just there in my dream. Not only that but I also had dreams that I was back in school too.

Dream 1) I was at school, except it was just me at first, all the teachers was gone except him. I was in the cafeteria, then the whole senior class was there. Maybe it was the senior lockdown. Anyway, I hung out with this group of people that I don't hang out with. Since I'm just that loner irl, these people would never hang out with me. So, we played board games, danced to music or whatever, did some games in the gym. Then this guy I really hate in my grade decided to grope me. He groped my ass in my dream. Why the hell would I dream about this? Maybe to have a decision to kick his ass and beat the living shit out of him. Gosh it was a good dream. Then my tc came over to see the commotion and asked me what happened. I told him, then he sent the idiot home for the rest of the night. He asked me if I was ok, "yep, because I finally threw hands at him. I've always wanted to beat him up. He is the worst"

I really hate this dude in my class, he always has the AUDACITY to talk to me. When I broke up with my ex, I couldn't believe he asked me if I was seeing anyone. Like shit! I really wanted to slap him.

Dream 2) This dream was taken place in a different school, the boys and girls varsity basketball teams were there too and he coahced them. Anyway, I was sitting in the bleachers and decided to go change into comfy shorts and sweater. Suddenly this weird guy stopped me and handed me wads of money.

It was weird. Then he said he was an old teacher I had (btw, before I had this dream I was discussing to my ma about contacting my teachers from other schools to send them an invite to my graduation) then he walked away. Anyway I went to the room and changed and then grabbed my 3Ds. (You know how they say you can't see the screens of electronics or the time in your dreams? Is it weird that I think I can?) I walked back to the gym and saw my tc leading the group stretch. I sat down and played some minecraft on my 3Ds. (Yeah my dreams are weird) then some guy joined my server and claimed to be my old teacher. I freaked out because how the heck can he do this? Then he started being weird so I told him to leave, then he got angry and hacked everything on my 3Ds.

Like a weird hack, not like controlling or taking over you but like making you add these other players (who were his buddies) and messing everything up in my world. So then I shut the 3Ds, left the school and went home. Once I was there I told my mom and dad. Then I said he was coming. So we geared up TO KILL HIM! There was a red truck there and I guess my dad in the dream owned it. Once he came, he attacked me and that was when my awesome mom beat him with the hammer!

NEXT THING IS cops come and WE ALL get in the cars and leave! (These dreams are also similar to the games I play, Need For Speed, Minecraft, Warface) then it transitions to me leaving on a motorcycle, but my tc was the one driving it and I was on the back of it! Next thing is that we crashed the motorcycle and went inside this type of store. I hid in a closet, then the POV changed to him. He went in the bathroom and there was a lady in there, so he went back out and went behind the curtains next to the bathroom door. Still in his POV, two cops came in asking where we were. Someone pointed to the bathroom door, they checked, nothing, and left. Then that was it if this dream.

Dream 3) this one I had just now because I woke up from a nap. I was at school, except it was completely different. I went to my first period athletic conditioning and I think the sub told me I can do the just dance as an exercise in which idk why. I was in a weird mat room but the mats were red and it was much longer, a rectangular room. Then he comes in and asks why I'm not doing anything (very typical of him) then I said I was injured.

(In which I am right now because I did something stupid outside and now I have a bruised and scraped right hip 😬)

Then he offers to help me. Then I was in his car and then his mom was in the front seat.

(Funny story before I go on, it was donut day in yearbook class, after athletic conditioning he told me that he wants me to go to his car and grab the treats he bought. The thing is, he never told me what his car looked like.... he told me if I knew what car it is. Obviously I said yes. Once I grabbed the treats he came over to grab the drinks. He needed his keys so I gave it to him... but we brushed finger tips 😯 omg)

Then I guess I fell asleep in the back if his car. Next thing is that we pull up to his house, he notices I'm like deep sleeping and PICKS ME UP BRIDAL STYLE AND CARRIES ME IN. He drops me on the couch and talks with his mom. I wake up, and then his mom is like, "ok well I better go, get well soon *name*. Be safe guys." And left.

Be SAFE GUYS. SAFE.

Then he walks over to the couch and checks up on me, checking my wound on MY HIP!!! Then it was like that cliche romance scene where they look at each other in the eyes and lips, and then lean in closer to each other slowly and KISSS.

BUT MY MOM WOKE ME UP ABOUT WHAT TYPE OF SOUP I WANTED WITH MY PANINI........

Ok so that was one dream that I had of him in a sexual way. But it was turning into kissing!

Last dream) It was like a wrestling state tournament. Every school was there with every student. Which is weird. So, I was there on the floor trying to find him. The choir was standing there (but then there was also more people in choir than they were at my school) I asked if he was there, he wasnt. Then we sang the anthem in which I do not care about in my dream and walked up to the stands to find him. When it was over I saw the other assistant coaches (in which I also had a little tiny crush on) and asked them where he was! Nowhere to be found! So I grabbed my siblings and left in a car to go to the other place in which I do not know of. then THAT IDIOT DUDE IN MY CLASS IS IN MY DREAM TOO so I had to sit next to him! It was gross!!!! His freaking hand was inching towards my body and before he was any closer I OPENED THE DOOR AND THREW HIM OUT as the car was moving. Next thing I know I am alone in the car with my tc. We're just driving, talking, singing. Told me that I'm brave for sticking up to myself to that idiot for two dreams. Then I woke up confused as to why this was happening.

"Super proud of you to be brave and stick up to him in your two dreams!" He said.

....

I know right!

Alright well, thats it. That is all I can remember of all the dreams I had of him since school got out. Have a wonderful time alone in a house, with nothing to do...

[tellywoodtrash]

status update:

So, I got a few friendly, good-natured asks on how I was doing, and what’s up with my life (work, Chandler, etc.), so I suppose this is as good a time to tell everyone: I quit my job earlier this week.

Early followers of the blog may be aware that this blog started as an attempt to find some kinda peace during some very trying times in my life. Since then, I’ve been burning the candle at both ends (I guess, in some kinda misguided attempt to move on with life) and... it’s finally caught up with me. I’m fucking exhausted and at a breaking point. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. ('Spiritually. Ecumenically. Grammatically.' Name that movie!) And so, I'm giving myself a break and am going to be taking some time off to focus on my mental health.

However, this hasn’t been an easy decision to make, as it means bye-bye financial independence and my ~~riproaring Sex And The City life (snort, NOT) and that I will now have to pack up my entire life and leave the country I (and Chandler!) call home. So the next few days will be even rougher; full of transition and second-guessing myself. But in the long run, I think I need to do this now before things get much worse.

Poor Chandler has no idea what’s coming up; that he’s about to be unceremoniously stuffed into a box and flown many thousand miles to a whole new country, with strange new smells and creatures (including my relatives who will want to come around every now and then and friendly-ly harass our socially anxious butts.) I just hope we both survive this move!

As for what it means for the blog, it’ll mostly be business as usual, I suppose. I will have more free time, but it’s going to be invested in moving, and settling in, and recovery (first I have to recover from the moving and settling in, and only then can I focus on *actual* recovery) so... I’ll do as much as I can. Yes, there's lots of new shows, most of them better than IB, and I might wanna watch them too, but.... idk, I don't seem to have it in me right now to get invested in a whole... new.... thing. We'll see once I'm properly settled into a restful routine where I don't feel so battered in the brain. On the plus side, moving to India means proper access to Hotstar and Sony Liv and alllllllll the platforms; I won’t have to jump through hoops and diddle around with VPNs to access what I wanna watch! Yaaaaaaay!

There are a few things blog-wise that I just have to address though, because they’re srsly stressing me out a lot lately:

Messages asking me to explain WHY stakeholders in the industry (actors, makers, the channel) make the decisions they do. Bhai main kahan un sab ke ghar ya boardroom mein ghussi baithi hoon, ki mujhe pakka pata hoga???? All I can do is speculate like the rest of you. Which is what I do. I look at the facts that I do have (social media posts, TRP reports, etc.) and put out MY theory. But it’s all it is. A theory. I do not have any kind of information that you also do not have access to. Asking me to explain the inner workings of complete strangers' minds is just nonsensical. I do not have the complete information based on which I can give you an accurate answer. So please just stop asking me these. At this point, idek why *I* do half the things I do, let alone have any surety of anyone else’s decisions.

Complaints. Look, all of us have complaints about the shitshow that is IB, and the Tellywood industry at large, and its affairs both off-screen and on-screen. But just think of my plight when news breaks/an episode airs and I get like 10 anons in an hour, most of which are filled with cribbing. OVER SOMETHING I DON’T HAVE ANY CONTROL. You have all the right to complain, sure, but not IN MY INBOX. I only publish about 30 - 40% of the asks that I actually do receive, and because of that you may think that you’re the only person sending in this to me; but trust that more often that not, you’re not. I most probably have already received least 5 messages about it, in varying degrees of negative, and it’s exhaaaaaausting for me to wade through it all.

"Asks” that are just STATEMENTS, with no real question to them. I get these and whether I agree with your statement or not, my only reaction is “.... haan, toh???” What really is the point of these? I have nothing to contribute to them. It’s just YOU deciding that your opinion is sooooooo important that you must come tell ME it. In my inbox. On anon. Which is not just stupid, but also RUDE af. What you're doing is the equivalent of going and ringing the doorbell of a stranger's house and monologuing in their face about a random topic when they open the door. Like, I literally did not ask?????? Especially since you’re on anon and I have absolutely no personal equation with you. By having an open inbox, I didn't consent to being the receptacle of every opinion wrt Tellywood under the sun. Like, the whole point of this blog is so I can shout MY dumbass opinions into the void that is the internet without bothering anyone else about things they might not care about/agree with. Anyone who follows/engages with me is here by THEIR choice. Why don’t you do the same? Go make your own blog, instead of using mine. There’s only place for one person here on this blog, and that’s me. Please read your messages before sending them and ask yourselves: Does my tone/content leave anything open for discussion? (FYI: Just putting a question mark at the end of a sentence does not make an engaging question that opens up a discussion.) What contribution am I inviting from the recipient with this message? If the answer is “no”/"nothing", then please don't send it.

The rise of combative and contrary asks; ones that don't come out of a genuine curiosity, but with the intent to mindlessly argue, talk in circles without a point and overall, and just belittle the opinions I’ve expressed by engaging in whataboutery. There's a point at which "healthy discussion" ends, and "debating" starts, and I’m not here to engage in Debate Hour. The open askbox (or replies function) is NOT an invitation to pick at ONE sentence of some post (often missing the context; those other sentences are there for a reason y'know) and demand explanations from me, for which I have to then bend over backwards to clarify to some random faceless person on the internet. Not only does it take tremendous amounts of time and energy (for what is largely a pointless endevour: these people aren't really here to have an exchange of ideas or even try to see my point of view, they're just trying to force THEIR contrary opinion ON me), it really sucks the joy out of the blog for me. Look, I am not an idiot. I can correlate writing patterns and associate them with previously seen comments/opinions and make educated guesses on who these may be coming from. I've been holding off on blocking anyone yet, but these comments and asks have me seriously considering it. (And FYI: blocking an anon blocks you via IP address. So don't think ki 'oh ho ho, I can just hide under the anon function, coz that has no consequences.' All you'd be doing is proving my guesses right, as to who is whom.) I don't WANT TO go to such extents, and want this still to be a place where people can approach me, but this gross disrespect of my time and boundaries is beginning to wear on me now. Before coming at me, please think to yourself if what you're saying is actually necessary. If it's just a passive-aggressive counter-argument to my opinion that's all conjecture/opinion (i. e. things without factual basis and based on feelings) then please; you're very welcome to whatever you believe, but I don't care. If I wanted your opinion, I’d ask for it. If I care for your opinion, I will engage with your posts (by liking or commenting or reblogging or sending you my love in your inbox.) I just really really don’t care what anyone's opinion ON MY OPINION is. Please stop being contrary just the sake of it and ruining my day and mood. Go chronicle your opinions on your blog/twitter/whatever, instead of using MY blog as a platform and arm-twisting me into participating in this unpleasant exchange. I just don't have have the energy or interest to engage in this fuckery anymore.

Look you guys, I love getting stuff in the askbox. I do. If I didn’t, I’d just have closed the askbox and called it a day. I’m just asking that you be a little THOUGHTFUL about the recipient, me, AS AN ACTUAL LIVING PERSON WITH FEELINGS AND A LIMITED AMOUNT OF ENERGY AND TIME, instead of some kinda faceless robot who just processes your messages in binary and spits out an answer. Before engaging, please re-read your message to consider your tone and content and the impact on the person on the other end. Despite this request, if you just decide to engage in the above mentioned ways, I’m sorry in advance if you end up getting blocked; but things have reached a point where I have to look out for myself, and my comfort, and what I want from this space. I would like this blog to be source of joy in my (and others’!) life, not something that I feel resentful about, or as a source of draining what little energy I have left.

Sooooooo, that’s how it is! Things should be the same around here barring some periods of inactivity occasionally due to moving/spotty internet (but the queue should be running anyway.) A lot less negativity and gloom, hopefully! Wish me (and Chandler!!!!!) luck and please send us all your good, restful, soft and fluffy vibes!

(The restful slumber of a poor fluffy bastard who has NOOOOOOOOO idea of what the next few weeks have in store for him.)

[simmer-for-hire-blog]

Why I haven’t been around.

Hoo boy, this is gonna be a Longpost™ so I’m probably gonna put it under a cut, just so you guys don’t have to look at the whole thing on your dash. But this is basically just gonna be me outlining why I haven’t been around on Tumblr, and more broadly just kinda everywhere. Also, there might be some darker themes and stuff, so I’ll make sure to put in the appropriate trigger warnings in the tags. And before any of you rush to judgments, no I’m not making this post to garner sympathy or for notes or anything like that. If anything I’m just trying to provide an explanation to those who follow me and are disappointed by my lack of posts, and potentially raise awareness for what I’m going through and provide some basic information. So hold on to your hats, because here we gooo! (There’s also gonna be some TMI in here about periods and stuff so if that kind of thing grosses you out then you probably shouldn’t read this tbh)

So I’ve had a few health problems - both physical and mental - that I’ve been trying to  overcome over the past couple of years or so. Most of my problems concern the endocrine (hormone) system and reproductive organs, so if this is TMI, then it might be better for you to not continue reading as I will probably go into some detail.

For about a year or so, I’ve had the official diagnosis of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, or PCOS, but I’ve been suffering from it for a good five years or so idk? For those of you who aren’t familiar with it, it is a condition that is related to abnormal hormone production in the body, which results in characteristics such as excess hair growth, weight gain, irregular or no periods and - the main focal point - fluid-filled sacs growing in the ovaries, which can cause a lot of pain if they burst. I’d just like to make a note here that I am in no way an expert, so the information here may not be completely accurate, so I urge you to do your own research on this if you wish to find out more, rather than taking what I say as fact. My personal experience with this has been less severe than a lot of cases, I would say. I first started showing symptoms around 2014/2015, when my periods became irregular, and eventually stopped altogether over the period of about 4 months. Naturally, I went to see a doctor, and had maybe the worst experience I’ve ever had with a medical professional. It took him two years (still with no periods) to finally admit that something was wrong, and I ended up having to enter each medical appointment with the attitude that I would need to fight tooth and nail to get him to admit that I could have a problem. But eventually he agreed to send me for an ultrasound, and there it was found that I had a borderline amount of cysts (not enough for a certain diagnosis, but too many to say that there was nothing wrong), leading to a diagnosis being given, as I had a lot of other symptoms. There is no treatment for PCOS, as it cannot be cured, so all the doctors can do is suggest options to manage the symptoms. One such option is the contraceptive pill, which they put me on. I had such a terrible reaction to this that I stopped taking them because it was impossible for me to function as a human being while I was on them, as they worsened the disorder that I will tell you about next. However, when I came off the pill, I actually started getting periods again, which seemed like a miraculous recovery, until something worse happened...

So I was thinking that everything would be magically better when I started having periods again. Unfortunately for me this was not the case. After coming off the contraceptive pill, I had regular (yet very light) periods again. So this meant that the cycle of hormones was continuing normally. For the week or so leading up to my period until a couple of days into the period, where people would often experience PMS, it’s like I became a different person. I’d have episodes where I’d be so sad that I couldn’t get out of bed, and would sometimes barely be able to move. Obviously this caused me to miss a lot of school. I think my attendance at the end of this school year must have been like 50% or something. I’d also experience fits of violent rage, and overwhelming thoughts of self-harm and suicide. In February of this year, it all became too much for me, and I was admitted to the hospital after a suicide attempt. Luckily for me and everyone around me, I survived and was discharged a couple of days afterwards. My memory of the event is terrible due to the nature of the attempt so I couldn’t really tell you very much about my experience. It was a very strange period of time, because about halfway through each period, these symptoms would fade away, and I’d be left wondering why I’d ever had these thoughts and feelings, because they wouldn’t even cross my mind when these ‘episodes’ weren’t going on. It was during this time that a family member sent me a link to an article. This article was about a woman who, like me, suffered an almost complete personality change for a few weeks per month, in a seemingly cyclical nature. Like me, this started when she first got her periods and didn’t affect her all the time. The only difference is that her periods were always regular, whereas I had barely had any due to the PCOS. This woman was diagnosed with a disorder called Pre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder, or PMDD. A lot of the information is on the website that I have linked, but feel free to do your own research if you’re curious. To summarise, it is a disorder caused by sensitivity to normal hormone fluctuations that causes extreme mood swings, depression, anxiety, bursts of rage etc. between ovulation and bleeding (which basically means the week or two leading up to your period). For me, this disorder is crippling, and has destroyed any chance of a life I could have had. I cannot continue any form of education, I cannot work (I had a job for about an hour before I couldn’t take it but that’s another story), so there’s not much to do with my life. Lately I have been thinking long and hard about some information that I’ve recently come across. According to the Equality Act of 2010 (this applies to me because I live in the UK, but it’ll be different in other countries), a disability is defined as ‘having a physical or mental impairment that has a substantial and long term negative effect on your ability to do normal day to day activities’. According to this definition, my PMDD is a disability, but I haven’t fully read up on the legislation, so I couldn’t whether legally it would count or anything like that. I also don’t know how I feel about being defined as ‘disabled’, because mental disorders aren’t typically seen as being disabling in our society and there’s a stigma around people with disabilities being ‘helpless’ and I’m certainly not that, and I don’t want to undermine people who suffer from physical disabilities by calling myself ‘disabled’, so there’s a whole host of reasons why I don’t want to jump to that.

Contrary to what I’ve been saying here, there is actually hope for me. PMDD and PCOS are not completely curable per se, but there are ways to manage and educe symptoms, so I can live a normal life (PMDD is more curable than PCOS however, which has been touched upon in the article I linked earlier, and I will briefly discuss in a second). However, so far my GP has been of absolutely no help, and I fully intend to complain officially because the way they have treated me is appalling and has basically ruined the current state of my life. That is why I decided to see a private specialist. I am so lucky that my family have the financial security needed to be able to afford a private healthcare consultation, because I received so much more help from them in the half hour consultation than I ever received from my GP in the four years that I have been going to them for help on these matters. The private doctor listened to the timeline of events that I laid out for her, and the full extent of what is currently going on, and recommended that I take vitamin supplements, as they have been proven to slightly manage PMDD symptoms, and prescribed a five-day contraceptive which would hopefully get my periods kick-started again, as I have missed the last four months with no sign of them returning. I’m currently on the last day of this contraceptive, and I’ve been suffering with really bad PMDD (didn’t really help that I was out drinking on friday which usually makes my symptoms worse, but oh well, it was a good night), so hopefully these will yield results within a couple of days. The consultant is also following up with a colleague in London who is an expert on this kind of thing, and will shoot me an email if she finds anything else out. Treatment options for PMDD can include inducing menopause early or even a hysterectomy (removal of the female reproductive organ), but I have been told that hopefully it will not come to that.

So yeah, that’s been my journey so far. During this time, it’s been difficult, even impossible, to keep up with this blog. I hope that you understand why I haven’t been able to update regularly. If you have any questions, please ask me, and I’ll try to the best of my ability to answer all of them. If you’ve read this far, thank you for sticking with me, and by the way, thank you for 738 followers! I really don’t deserve that much love and support considering I haven’t made a post in months, but it means a lot. I hope this post informed you all about what I’ve been dealing with and all that, and I’ll try to make some sort of recovery in order to keep posting here. I love you guys xx