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knight-rider-fan-2000 · 7 months

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Something About "Autonomy" and all that

Summary: Kitt is programmed to follow Michael's every order. And on a calm day, Michael finally realizes this, and he can't put into words what it might mean.

4601 words

---

"Not this station again." Kitt lamented as Michael tweaked the radio dial.

"Oh, come on, pal, they're playing Cindy! You can't say no to Cindy."

"I certainly can." There was a smile in his voice as his modulator lights flashed- Michael knew him well enough to tell that.

The radio fizzed, and the bright vocals were replaced by the whine of violins. How Kitt even found this stuff was beyond Michael.

"Geez. Turn the radio back, Kitt. Quit teasing-"

In an instant, the station changed back to the one Michael had selected. Kitt's voice modulator lights did not even flicker. He waited an extra second, five seconds, ten seconds for any sort of protest from the AI, but there was only silence.

Well, not silence, but Michael couldn't hear the singer on the radio anymore. Not when he was listening for any other sort of sound in the cabin around him; the hum of fans, the activation of dashboard lights, the subtle moves and changes of the car.

"Kitt?" He asked.

"Yes, Michael?"

"Why'd you change the radio back?"

"You told me to."

"But you don't like my music."

"An astute observation, Michael."

"Then you didn't have to change it back."

"Of course I did. Don't be absurd."

Michael gripped the steering yoke tighter. "No, you didn't."

"Michael, really. Part of my annoyance with your music is merely comedic. Please don't be concerned about it. I can stop if you'd like."

"No!" Michael said louder. The word had slipped out, like a tire on an icy road. He took a breath and quieted his voice again. "No. I don't want you to do that."

"Then what would you like?" Kitt's tone was calm, but Michael knew it was an illusion- it was clinical, the kind of tone that he only used when speaking with authorities on the phone.

"I don't want you changing yourself for me."

Kitt's lights flickered, but he said nothing.

"We clear?" Michael asked.

"Again, don't be absurd. I'm a learning computer. It's my purpose to modify myself to best support you."

"You don't serve me."

There was a garbled pitch preceding his next sentence- was that a laugh? "Of course I do."

Michael couldn't speak.

"To further elaborate, both you and I have emphasized that ours is an equal partnership. In that way, you could argue that we are both serving each other- but do not get confused, Michael. I'm programmed to follow your orders."

"Turn the music off." Michael says, on instinct, only to have his breath catch in his throat as the song dies immediately. Instinct. Pure instinct.

"Your heart rate is elevated. This is causing you distress." Kitt replies.

"You're my partner."

"I am also your car. Do cars not need drivers?"

"You don't."

"Actually, I do. Michael, it's not like you to doubt your importance to our mission. What is going on?"

He breathed, trying to calm his heart as well as the unnamed thing that felt like it was crawling around in his chest. It was something like dread. He didn't feel dread very often. Couldn't say he liked it very much.

He started off slowly, giving time for his thoughts to solidify. It must have seemed like an eternity to the AI. "Kitt, every police officer knows what he's getting into when he signs up for the job."

"Understandably."

"You don't become a cop on accident. In fact, you don't do any sort of work as an accident."

"Surely people don't plan on working in drive throughs, do they?"

"They still have to fill out their application and hand over their resume." Michael snapped. "But people, people have got options."

"And?"

"Kitt. . . if you had the choice, would you be doing this line of work?"

"Of course!" Kitt raised his volume. "Michael, what has gotten into you? Of course I'd stay with you. This is what I was built for. I'd surely feel unfulfilled anywhere else. Could you imagine me trying to find other employment? Trying to be a taxi, or heaven forbid, a delivery driver? I shudder just thinking about it."

"But you don't have a choice."

"Why on Earth would I need one? I have you, Bonnie, Devon, the Foundation- I couldn't ask for a better set of circumstances."

"But you don't have a choice." Michael tried to inject even a fraction of the feeling within his chest into his voice, even if he knew Kitt couldn't figure it any more than he himself could.

"I fail to see your-"

"What if I was a jerk to you, huh? I was a real jerk to you at first, don't you remember? What if I never got better? What if I left trash in your seats and never let you listen to your own music or-"

"Permission to interrupt?"

Michael's first instinct was to snap- he didn't like being interrupted. He'd already told Kitt that long ago. . . and Kitt had listened, hadn't he?

"Of course." He said.

"What you're proposing is irrelevant. That is purely a hypothetical scenario, not reflective of reality. A strawman argument." Kitt replied.

"Just consider it. If you had ended up with a sleazebag, how would you have gotten out of that?"

"I would have reported any behavioral infractions of this hypothetical version of yourself to Devon."

"And if he ignored them?"

"He wouldn't."

"But what if he did?"

"Michael," Kitt paused, something like a breath, "what you're arguing about is just semantics. Let's end this conversation, and let me take the wheel so that you can calm down."

"No. I want to keep driving."

It was in the silence that followed that Michael's grip on the steering yolk grew looser as he realized what he’d done.

---

"Bonnie."

"Hmm?" The mechanic looked up from her book.

"Kitt's programmed to follow my orders, right?"

"Of course. Has there been a problem?"

A problem, she asked. A problem with Kitt, as if it would somehow be his fault instead of-

"So he doesn't have a choice."

Bonnie closed her book. "Yes?"

Under her gaze, he struggled to organize the thoughts in his brain just the same as he struggled under Kitt's. "Is that right?"

"Michael, what's going on?"

"You and I both know that Kitt is more than just silicon and wires." That was a statement he could be confident of. "So is it right that he has no choice?"

"He needs to follow your orders. You're his driver."

"Does he need a driver?"

"Are you arguing against your own employment?" Bonnie put her book on the end table and stood from her chair. "As much as I'd love to remove humans from the equation entirely, the technology isn't there yet. I can't give Kitt legs and hands yet, so I have to settle with you."

"I'm being serious!" Michael snapped.

"As was I!"

"Kitt's a person! People have rights, don't they?"

She looked him up and down. "Didn't take you for the philosophical type."

"I'm not being philosophical, I'm being a good person!" He spat. "If I'm holding Kitt here against his will-"

"Against his will? Michael, he likes you more than I do."

"Because he doesn't know that he could have other options. Because there's code in his head telling him to obey me even if he doesn't like it."

Bonnie opened her mouth, but didn't say anything.

"So you're gonna remove that code." Michael continued.

"Hold on. You don't know what you're talking about."

"Of course I know what I'm-"

"And we need to have this conversation with Kitt."

That much he could agree on. "He should be finished discussing data with Devon by now."

Bonnie grabbed her jacket from the back of the chair. Michael led the way out of the drawing room of the mansion, tracing the fastest path back to the garage, a route so routine he could walk it blind.

Kitt's glossy frame was parked in the same spot as always inside the garage- there was not even a tire mark out of place on the concrete. His scanner swooped back and forth at a pace equal to that of footsteps, before calming as he noticed Michael and Bonnie's entrance.

"Apologies. I wasn't expecting you."

"You done with Devon?" Michael asked.

"Yes. I just finished sending the last of my report."

"Good job." He replied instinctively.

"Bonnie, you look upset. And Michael, I can't say you look much better. What is going on?" Kitt asked, sliding his scanner in their direction.

"Michael got it up in his head that you don't want to be here." Bonnie said. "So we're going to-"

"I didn't say that!" Michael snapped.

"Oh. This again." Kitt lamented.

"You've talked about this before?" Bonnie asked.

"He doesn't get it! None of you get it!" He gestured to them both. "Something's wrong."

"Alright," Bonnie crossed her arms, "tell us exactly what it is you have a problem with."

Michael paused. Yet again his brain was having trouble forming simple words. This was starting to get irritating- he'd thought faster under fire of actual bullets before, so what was tripping him up so badly?

Bonnie tapped her fingers against her arm. Kitt waited without a sound.

He went with something he'd brought up earlier. "Kitt doesn't have a choice."

"You're going to have to be more specific." Bonnie replied.

"I don't see how that fact is relevant." Kitt added.

"Kitt is forced to follow my orders-"

"By design." Bonnie replied.

"Bonnie, let him finish." Kitt said.

Michael gave a nod to him, breathed out whatever retort he had planned for her, and then started over.

"Kitt is forced to follow my orders. . . and I'm not okay with that."

A small few pixels of Kitt's scanner lit up, but he paused, waiting for Bonnie. She, however, only stared at her arms.

"Why are you not comfortable with our arrangement anymore?" Kitt asked.

"Because I didn't think about it when I really should have. You're my partner. My buddy. Pal, I consider you an equal."

"I don't doubt that, Michael."

"Which means that you shouldn't be forced to follow my orders."

"It's not 'being forced'." Bonnie looked up. "It's how he's programmed."

"You stuck a rule in his head that he can't say no to me."

Kitt spoke. "Michael, that is a vast oversimplification and I still fail to see the issue. It's my purpose to follow your orders."

Michael looked Bonnie in the eye and gestured to Kitt's hood. "You don't see the problem here?"

She paused. "Michael, he's an AI-"

"Put him in a human body and he could walk and talk like the rest of us. Don't act like he couldn't."

"I strongly disagree." Kitt routed his voice through his interior speakers instead of his external ones, creating a sort of muffled effect not unlike that of a whisper.

The fact that Kitt had bothered to figure out a way to achieve that sort of effect at all was further evidence to prove Michael's point.

Bonnie walked over and put her hand on Kitt's hood. "I see what you're getting at, but he's not a human. He needs his programming to function."

"I know that! It's not about that."

“Michael,” Kitt said, “do you know that I’m quite fond of our arrangement?”

“Because you don’t know any better. Because you can’t know any better, not with that rule in your head that says you can’t disagree with me.”

“I certainly can disagree with you! I’m doing so right now. Seriously, Michael, do you remember the countless times we’ve bickered or quarreled?”

“That’s not what I. . .”

“I do not simply agree with everything you say. Do you really think of me so lowly?”

“No. Of course not. But you’re still under the control of whatever I say, right? If I told you, right now, that I didn’t want you to like your music anymore, would you be forced to change your mind?”

“While that would be cruel and unusual punishment, I would do so.” Kitt replied, but before Michael could speak again, he continued, “because I trust your judgment.”

“I- thanks.” Michael said quietly.

“And that’s the root of it. I give my suggestions, I disagree with your actions, yet at the end of the day, we all know that you have the ability to make decisions that I can’t even fathom that lead us to success. If I had a coin, as they say, for every time I failed to understand your reasoning, I’d have a significant sum of change. I can calculate the exact dollar value, if you’d like.”

“No need.” Bonnie covered her mouth to hide a giggle.

Michael wasn’t laughing. “I’m glad that you trust me that much. That still doesn’t change the fact that I have the power and you don’t.”

“Come here, Michael?”

Kitt opened his door. Michael walked over, ran his hand over the handle, before slipping into the driver’s seat. Before he could reach out and shut the door, Kitt did it for him.

“In case you haven’t noticed,” Kitt’s lights flickered dimly. “I don’t want your ‘power’.”

“Why not?”

“Because I can’t make decisions like you. And frankly, I don’t want to. It sounds very stressful. I’m already managing a menagerie of functions. I do not intend to add decision-making to that list.”

“Of course you can follow my lead, pal. I’m not saying I don’t want you with me.”

“Then what are you implying?”

“Humans follow orders. But humans always have a choice to not follow an order they disagree with.”

“And that delay in decision time could cost you your life.” Kitt raised his volume.

“What do you mean?”

“Bonnie, could you explain something for me, please?”

Kitt opened his passenger door and Bonnie sat down.

“What’d I miss?” She asked.

“Can you explain what factors determine the length of my response time?”

“Sure. That’s easy, unless you really want me to dive into the specifics.”

“An overview would be more appropriate.”

“In any given scenario, Kitt has to consider all of the relevant data from his scanners. Where his body is in the world, what’s around him, and so on. Then he determines what’s needed of him, and how he can best operate to fulfill that need so long as it doesn’t defy his core programming to protect and uphold human life.

“And if I’m not provided with a need to fulfill?” Kitt asked.

“Well, then you have to decide what to do, right?” Bonnie shrugged towards the dashboard. “And that is the tricky part. Most of the breakthroughs that we made with Kitt were towards his ability to figure out what to do in the absence of input. Think about it- there’s a million things that you or I could do at this given moment in time.”

“We have choices.”

“Exactly. But computers need to know what variables to calculate in order to function. Where Kitt is special is that he can determine his own instructions to operate by.”

“Okay, makes sense.”

“And it’s extremely intensive on his operating system to do. Driving is one thing- the rules of the road provide a good, defined set of decisions for him to choose from -but everything else is significantly more of a struggle. Right, Kitt?”

“I wouldn’t go that far.” Kitt said meekly.

“Frankly, when we first designed him, we never imagined that he’d do much more than be able to drive himself.”

“I resent that.” Kitt said, significantly louder.

“-Which means that he’s proven more successful than our wildest hopes.” Bonnie smiled and placed her hand on the dashboard.

“That’s interesting and all,” Michael said, “but what does this have to do with him following my orders?”

“Michael, if I had to stop and evaluate every alternative option to your commands whenever you gave them, my reaction time would be in minutes, not seconds.” Kitt replied. “Because I’m programmed to follow your orders, I don’t even have to think about it, and that saves me a significant amount of processing power and time that could be better used to keep you safe.”

Michael paused.

“Therefore it’s to my benefit that I remain programmed the way that I am.” Kitt continued.

“I get it.” Michael said. “I really do. But that’s a lot of trust.”

“Is this new to you?”

“‘Course not.” Michael couldn’t help but laugh a little. “But it still doesn’t erase the fact that you’ve never had a choice otherwise.”

“I’ve tried to explain it to the best of my abilities. If you still don’t understand, perhaps you never will.” Kitt replied.

“No, I think you’re the one not understanding. You’ve been programmed this way since the day you came online, right?”

“Yeah, he has.” Bonnie replied.

“So not even for a day, not even for a second, you’ve never experienced otherwise.”

“I’m failing to understand what ‘otherwise’ might mean.” Kitt replied.

“Okay, how about this.” Michael sighed. “I want you to try having that programming removed for a little bit.”

“What? Michael, don’t be absurd. I refuse to go on a mission with you while my system is compromised-”

“Not on a mission. Just around here. Surely Devon can schedule us a day off to try this.”

“Still, it would be a significant modification, wouldn’t it?”

“Actually,” Bonnie said, “it wouldn’t be too difficult to disable.”

“It wouldn’t?” Kitt sounded aghast.

“From a technical standpoint. What I’m saying is that it is doable.”

“Kitt, I’m not trying to hurt you. But I want you to try this.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s important to me.”

There was only a second’s hesitation. “Alright. I trust you.”

—

It didn’t take Bonnie long to get Kitt plugged into her work station. Soon, the lines of code that made up Kitt, strands of everything that he was and maybe everything he ever would be scrolled up and down the screen according to Bonnie’s touch. Michael couldn’t read any of it, of course. The one book he’d tried to read on binary already didn’t make much sense and he knew that Kitt was vastly, vastly more complex than that.

Bonnie narrowed in on a specific line, typed in a command, and turned around. “That should be it.”

“What?” Michael asked. “Just like that?”

“Just like that?” Kitt asked simultaneously.

“It should be. But we’d have to test it to confirm. Michael?”

“Kitt,” Micheal hesitated. “Open your door.”

Kitt opened his driver’s side door immediately.

“Hmm.” Bonnie turned back around.

“There’s no need, Bonnie.” Kitt said. “I’ve verified that the corresponding section of core programming has been nullified for the time being.”

“Then why did you open your door?”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

Michael stared into Kitt’s interior, stared at the flickering lights of his voice modulator.

“Kitt, turn on my favorite radio station.”

“We’re out of range of that one, how about 98.6, Pop Central?”

“Turn it on.”

Kitt’s speakers activated and Madonna blared into the garage.

“Okay, stop, stop.” Michael waved. Kitt stopped as soon as the first hiss of an ‘s’ left his mouth. “Buddy, you’re supposed to try saying no to me.”

“But why would I?”

“Because you hate my music.”

“But it’s harmless.” Kitt retorted.

“But you didn’t have to turn it on.”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

Okay, this wasn’t working. Bonnie, who was now leaning up against her work station, only gave a shrug, before glancing towards the garage door.

Michael got an idea. “Kitt, back through the garage door, now.”

“Wha-” Kitt’s voice fizzled out. “Michael, that’s absurd.”

“Do it. Now.”

“That would cause property damage to the FLAG facility! There’s absolutely no source of danger anywhere near here, and therefore no justification-”

“You’re thinking about it, aren’t you?” Michael smiled.

But instead of a witty comeback, or a snarky insult, or even a swoop of his scanner, Kitt grew deathly still.

“See, that wasn’t so hard, now was it?”

“Michael.” Kitt said quietly.

He walked closer. “What is it?”

“I don’t like this.” Kitt cracked his window and spoke from his interior speakers. Michael had to lean his ear close to the window to even hear it.

“What’s wrong?”

“Don’t ever give me a false order again.”

“Huh?”

“Do not command me to do something that you do not intend me to do.” Kitt enunciated every consonant.

“Kitt, that was just an-”

“I don’t like this. How much longer do you want Bonnie to disable the code?”

Michael put his hand on Kitt’s roof. “I was hoping to go out for a drive with you at least.”

“I don’t want to.”

“I know you don’t, but I want you to feel what it’s-”

“No.”

Michael stopped. He felt a shudder pass through Kitt’s frame, and the hum of cooling fans leaked into the open air.

“I refuse.” Kitt said, quieter. “You have asked me to express my ability to refuse, and I’m doing so now. If an emergency were to occur when we were off FLAG premises, I want to operate at my full capacity.”

“But-” Michael stopped himself. “Okay.”

“. . . this is strange. I don’t like denying you like this.”

“I know you don’t.”

“You were worried that if I was given the choice, I would leave you.” Kitt continued.

“I’m not worried about that. Never was.” Michael lied. “I was more worried about forcing you to do things you didn’t want to do.”

“Sure,” said Kitt, “but since I sense that it’s important to you that I tell you this during this time: I want to continue being your partner. I want to serve you and follow your orders.”

Michael smiled.

“And that while I don’t like your music, I will tolerate it because it makes you happy. While sometimes your decisions seem questionable, your judgment is sound, and you have yet to steer me wrong, both figuratively and literally.”

“Well!” Michael slapped Kitt’s roof. “That’s great to hear.”

“I’m glad you think so.” Kitt swooped his scanner once. “Imagine if I had ended up with a driver who didn’t care about my opinion. I certainly can’t.”

The reminder made Michael pause, but he recovered quickly enough. “Me neither, Kitt. Me neither.”

“Now that this is settled, Bonnie, if you would?”

Bonnie turned back to her computer and began typing away. Kitt was silent until she turned around again and gave a thumbs up.

“There. That’s better.” Kitt said. “Michael, are you satisfied with our experiment?”

“Yeah.” Michael tapped his fingers against Kitt’s roof in whatever pattern he could think of, anything to distract him from the lingering traces. “I am. Thanks.”

“You’re welcome. Now get some rest!” Kitt opened the door and bumped Michael slightly. “You know it’s never long until our next mission.”

Michael walked to the exit to the garage, only turning around to give a salute to his trusty getaway car. “Yes sir!”

—

He tried his damndest but he couldn’t follow Kitt’s orders. He sat up in his bed. The bed here at the Foundation mansion was more comfortable than most of the hotels he usually stayed in. Whether it was comfier than Kitt’s interior was up for debate. He rubbed his face with his hands.

On his nightstand was his commlink. Kitt felt comfortable enough here at the mansion to let him take it off at night. Yet its weight was missing from Michael’s wrist. Maybe he’d sleep better with it on, but he didn’t want to disturb Kitt from his own rest. Or. . . whatever it was that Kitt did at night while the world was asleep.

Michael sighed. He reached over and grabbed the commlink. Immediately the red light on it flashed. Kitt was awake and metaphorically looking his way, so he might as well let him get the full picture. He slipped the commlink on and tightened it against his wrist, ensuring that all the biological monitors were lined up how they were supposed to be.

The red light flickered, before growing solid. “Michael, what is it?”

“Hey Kitt. Can’t sleep.”

“It’s about me again, isn’t it?”

Right on the money, as always. “Maybe.”

“Do you want to talk?”

“Here’s fine.” Michael gestured around his room.

“I’ve done some reading on the subject to try and understand what is bothering you.” Kitt said. “So far I haven’t been able to understand much of it. I’m afraid I’m not the target audience.”

“Gosh, you aren’t reading the really old stuff, are you? That stuff’s all quacks.”

“You might not want to tell Devon that.”

Michael’s heart skipped a beat. “You haven’t told him about this, have you?”

“I have not.”

“Good.”

“Why?”

“I. . . don’t think he’d understand.”

“In all fairness, it appears I don’t either.” Kitt replied. “Do you want to try and explain it to me?”

“Trust me, pal, I’ve been trying to do that all day.” Michael laughed. “But I’ll try it again.”

“Take your time.” Kitt said gently. His light on the commlink gave a slow blink.

Michael closed his eyes. Rubbed his face again. Tried to think back to his days before he met Kitt. It was days like these that he felt out of touch with normal society- days where he was thinking about things that a normal person wouldn’t spend half a second on, things like “personhood” and “free will” and all that stuff. Bonnie was right. He wasn’t a philosopher.

After a few minutes, he still couldn’t come up with anything that sounded reasonable. All he had was his own discomfort. Maybe that was it.

Michael tapped his commlink. “You still there?”

“Of course, Michael.”

“Maybe it’s like- maybe it’s that I would hate to be in your position.”

“You would?” Kitt was aghast.

“Now don’t take it the wrong way.” Michael wagged his finger as if Kitt could see him. “But I couldn’t. I couldn’t do it.”

“Why not?”

“Because I can’t imagine being forced to do whatever someone says, regardless of how much I trusted them. If someone had total control of my life, could override my movements, could even override how I think with just a few words. . . I’d be terrified, not going to lie to you.”

Kitt paused. “You would be.”

“I’d hate it.”

“It’s as you said: you could not imagine it.” Kitt stated. “Perhaps I’m beginning to understand your discomfort.”

“And the idea that I could be doing that to somebody else is. . .” Michael couldn’t think of a word.

“Equally terrifying?”

“Maybe.”

“Michael, if it helps, I’m grateful you consider me to be your equal. But I’m not a human. You are. I think your idea of what is ‘terrifying’ might be very different from mine.”

“But that’s the kicker- should it be?”

“I don’t see why it shouldn’t be. Perhaps one day I’ll have a greater understanding of your fear. But until then, I will have to settle with making sure my opinion is heard.” Kitt injected some levity in his voice.

“I’d appreciate that, pal.”

“Now, is there anything I can do to help you get some rest?”

“Unfortunately not. That’s between me and my dumb human body, I’m afraid.”

“There it is again!” Kitt exclaimed. “That difference between body and mind that seems to preoccupy a large portion of human philosophical thought on personhood.”

“Goodnight, Kitt.” Michael laughed.

“Goodnight, Michael.” Kitt lowered his volume again.

Michael slid off the commlink and set it back on the nightstand. He pulled himself back under the covers and closed his eyes.

He didn’t sleep, but the clenching feeling in his chest finally lifted.

#knight rider #k.i.t.t.#Kitt #Michael Knight #fanfiction #I was writing something in another fandom about a robot overwriting its directives to obey another person #and it immediately reminded me of Kitt #and before I knew it this one-shot had appeared #I hope you all enjoy it #Michael isn't good at talking about his feelings #and he continues to struggle not to apply his very human perspective to Kitt #It's a fascinating dynamic

87 notes · View notes

timemachineyeah · 8 months

Note

I really, really need you to elaborate on this note you left on a post. I'm fascinated.

If you don't I'm sure I'll survive but this is an absolutely intriguing concept.

Whoooo, yeah, let's talk about Mormon theology and cosmology!!!

In response to me saying that this is basically Mormon theology, because it absolutely is

(I swear, being raised Mormon, and especially the studious and serious kind, and then leaving the church is like that bit in the first episode of The Office where they think they might be getting shut down and Jim says something like, "I know so much about paper. What I am supposed to do with all this knowledge if I don't work here any more." Like I never got very far in The Office, but I think about that feeling all the time.)

From the book of Mormon, 2nd Nephi Chapter 2:

22 And now, behold, if Adam had not transgressed he would not have fallen, but he would have remained in the garden of Eden. And all things which were created must have remained in the same state in which they were after they were created; and they must have remained forever, and had no end. 23 And they would have had no children; wherefore they would have remained in a state of innocence, having no joy, for they knew no misery; doing no good, for they knew no sin. 24 But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who knoweth all things. 25 Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.

Also worth noting that Mormons are so opposed to original sin that it's actually the second of the 13 Articles of Faith, which I had to memorize in grade school. The only article that comes before it is the one saying we believe in God, Jesus, and The Holy Ghost.

"2 We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam’s transgression."

And stealing from the church's official current website on the topic

President Joseph Fielding Smith (1876–1972) said: “I never speak of the part Eve took in this fall as a sin, nor do I accuse Adam of a sin. … This was a transgression of the law, but not a sin … for it was something that Adam and Eve had to do!”

Adam's fall is considered an unequivocal good to Mormons. So this whole take on theology taps into two very import Mormon principles.

The first is "agency", "free agency", or "free will". This basically boils down to: you can't grow, your actions can't matter, if you don't have a choice. The ability to choose is power, and we are here specifically to experience that freedom and to learn how to use it.

This was actually the basis of a premortal war (don't ask how folks without bodies who can't die do a war, I've no idea) between Lucifer and Jesus, because Lucifer wanted to guarantee everyone's salvation by eliminating the ability to choose wrong. The losing side was cast out of heaven and that's where Satan and demons come from!

Here have a musical number about from a VHS I used to watch constantly (in case the link malfunctions, relevant song starts at 10:55)

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The second is, "opposition". Basically, things can only exist in contrast. You can only truly recognize something in comparison to something else. Ergo, a world without suffering or sin is also a world without joy or virtue. It is a nothing world. Here, a worse song from the same musical! (starts at 8:57)

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By this principle, the Garden of Eden, while wonderful from the outside in retrospect, was not wonderful from within, because Adam and Eve had no frame of reference for it. To them it was just Existence, and as an existence was fairly bland.

Another thing to understand here is that Mormons believe in a premortal existence. We are all, spiritually, as ancient as God is. We've all always existed. Another Mormon principle is one of "Eternal Progress" - the idea that we are always on a journey to improve, and are capable of improving to even the state of Heavenly Father.

I remember asking once if Heavenly Father was done progressing, and told we can't possibly know, but it's possible that even He has more progress to make. But if so, we can't possibly comprehend what he is progressing towards and it's not relevant to us now.

It's important to realize that "As man is, God once was. As God is, man might become" is, like, central to Mormon theology. We aren't lesser things than God, just not as far progressed. He's among the first caterpillars to figure out how to make a chrysalis and become a butterfly and he's trying to show us how to do the same.

Regardless, a necessary step to this progress, to growth, is to live a mortal physical life in a body. A body is so important that Mormons believe at the second coming everyone who ever lived will be resurrected into "perfect" eternal immortal bodies. (This ALL creates MANY logistical and theological problems but we don't have time for all that!)

Other necessary steps include compulsive heterosexuality, marriage, and having children. Because of course.

But if God's power is not innate, but rather something he has gained by being Perfectly Good And Noble - which is like the Force or something - then he isn't truly omnipotent. He is so powerful and omniscient that to us mere mortals the distinction is meaningless, but God cannot endorse harm or cruelty without potentially losing his Godhood. Godhood is conditional upon good behavior. Morality is a natural force in the universe that can be utilized, but! See above about opposition! And free will! To utilize it, you have to be capable of knowingly being bad and choose good anyway!

This puts God in kind of a bind when it comes to guiding humanity.

He needs people to have knowledge of good and evil, but if he gives it to them directly, he'd kinda be doing a bad thing? Like, he'd be causing suffering to just force knowledge of good and evil upon us. The suffering can't be something inflicted upon humanity, it has to be a product of human choice. And choice is essential, but to learn to make choices, first you must be presented with simple ones.

Like Adam and Eve are immortal, physical, useless baby adults who cannot progress. They need to progress, and they also need to get to boning or else all the other spirit children waiting in heaven to be born will not have bodies.

So God sets up a little trap. A little trick. Just a fun little -just a fun little game.

He puts a tree in the garden and he's like, "Just leaving this over here. Don't touch it. But it's right here. See it? Right here. Just making sure you saw it. Yeah, don't touch it. In fact, two commandments for you.

Go have kids

Don't eat that fruit"

And Adam and Eve are like, "cool, great, awesome."

And God is like, really loudly in front of Lucifer/The Snake like, "Oh noooooooo. I sure hope they don't eat from this treeeeee. That would be terrrrrrible! They'd learn about SIN and BECOME MORTAL." and Satan is like "tehehehe I have a great idea!"

Meanwhile Eve, who is currently a metaphysical biological immortal, does not know what sex is and has no sex drive. She's like, "Sooooo? The kids part? How that?"

And the snake is like "You can find out, but you gotta eat this fruit" (true! this is Eden, it is still free from sin. The snake cannot lie here, yet. Because folk Mormon theology - Satan can't lie! That's a fun fact about him. He twists and manipulates truths, but lying is a Mortal gift we got from the whole Fruit thing that Eve is about to do)

And Eve is like, "Yeah, sure, I want babies. God told me to have them so...." and eats the fruit exactly as God intended her to, tempted by the snake exactly as God planned. And she was like, "Oh! I WANNA BONE ADAM. ADAM EAT THIS SO YOU KNOW WHAT BONING IS SO I CAN BONE YOU."

But then they were materially and metaphysically changed, so they couldn't stay in the Garden anymore. Less about casting out, more about God having to follow the Moral Metaphysical Laws that give him his power.

I was even taught it's not even that childbirth/periods/menstrual pain were punishments from God. They are just natural results of sexual reproduction and the part where God says that's gonna happen now isn't him giving Eve a curse, just kinda God giving Eve some sex ed. Since she'll need it.

Basically, God couldn't tell Adam and Eve to eat the fruit, and in fact was morally obligated to tell them not to, because doing so would cause suffering and death. But the suffering and death aren't a punishment from God, they're just facts about the world that become real when you know about them, but you have to know about them and experience them in order to know and experience good things also, and become closer to being a god yourself, and God wanted us to have good things, so he wanted us to eat that fruit. Which is why he put it there.

So very much like leaving water out for a cat who thinks they're being naughty but actually you just want your cat to be hydrated.

Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles observed: “This suggested contrast between a sin and a transgression reminds us of the careful wording in the second article of faith: ‘We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam’s transgression’ (emphasis added). It also echoes a familiar distinction in the law. Some acts, like murder, are crimes because they are inherently wrong. Other acts, like operating without a license, are crimes only because they are legally prohibited. Under these distinctions, the act that produced the Fall was not a sin—inherently wrong—but a transgression—wrong because it was formally prohibited. These words are not always used to denote something different, but this distinction seems meaningful in the circumstances of the Fall.”

And before any baby Mormons come in here like, "nuh uh!" about any part of this, your "eternal truths" have been so watered down in the past several decades by leadership trying to seem mainstream and cling to hemorrhaging membership. Y'all don't even know your theology anymore half the time, and what's worse is it's just as toxic as ever but like 200% less interesting. I like Mormonism better when they're proudly declaring Bigfoot is Cain and talking about how John the Beloved already has an immortal body and has been wandering the world for 2000 years and confidently claiming he was the stranger who helped them fix a tire that one time.

#timemachine wuz here #mormon

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taggedmemes · 8 months

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SENTENCE MEME BALDUR'S GATE 3 / PART FIVE

we won't survive this if we don't stand together.

it is through conflict that we strengthen our bonds.

the next resolution may not end in her favor.

it's a question that burns in my belly day and night.

have you been looking at my differently?

i was too hasty to judge you.

i thought you witless, gutless, and unimpressively bland.

i thought you cruel, stubborn, and judgmental.

you have stoked fires i didn't know i possessed.

you've gained my respect.

you know how to set my heart racing.

we'll kiss and make up in our own time.

someone prodding at a newly opened wound doesn't help matters.

admirable conviction.

how can you go through all this trouble and not understand why?

secrecy is ingrained in me.

i like night orchids and can't swim.

i can't remember much of myself.

i hope that's the end of this silly quarrel.

killing's never my first choice, but they were too dangerous to leave alive.

i've come to sate you, and be sated.

time for pleasure has passed.

there's something i want to talk to you about, something important.

i owe you my life.

i may not have survived that night without you.

i'm trying to say that you've earned my trust in a way very few ever have.

i'm not usually one to elaborate if i can avoid it.

most fear the dark, because in darkness they see their fears reflected.

in darkness we do not hide, we act.

you pray with such conviction.

the presence of your goddess must fill your whole being.

perhaps we need not speak farewells.

i never pictured myself as a hero.

never thought i'd be the one they toast for saving so many lives.

i hate it, this is awful.

i would've liked more for my trouble than a pat on the head and vinegar for wine.

all i want is a little fun.

it's not you, it's me. i have standards.

you have no idea how good it feels to see these people smiling.

don't waste a night like this talking to me.

i thought you might care to have a drink with me.

i rarely imbibe, the stuff goes right to my head.

before you know it, i'd be breaking into song or declaring love to the first person i laid eyes on.

you strike me as extremely resourceful.

there are many grateful people here who want to spend time with you.

i must not keep you all to myself, as enjoyable as that may be.

this might be the wine talking, but i'm feeling inspired.

look at them all, guzzling poison l ike we've the right to be happy.

i need to dance.. nope, i need to lie down.

the others will kill me if i keep you all to myself.

spontaneous thank-yous make me suspicious.

this is a night for celebration, not suspicion.

amid all this merriment, i wasn't sure we'd have a chance to speak this evening.

were our bond a little stronger, i might even have shared a moment of magic with you.

our fledgling acquaintanceship has not yet taken flight.

such intimacy will have to wait.

they could not match your nerve today.

it was enough to drive me to madness.

i won't be nursing their pounding heads and sicks stomachs in the morning.

everyone seems to be in high spirits.

you know who i never thought i'd find myself caring for.

i think you'll find i've been showing ample concern for myself since the moment we met.

share a bottle with me?

i'll find you after everyone's turned in for the night.

i think a toast is in order. any suggestions?

sounds like you just need a little more liquid inspiration.

you're beautiful.

i know [i'm beautiful], but you're sweet to notice.

i'll trust your judgement.

i do not truly care if you approve.

that night meant a lot to me.

i'm not sure what kind of sourtship we'll be afforded, given all that we're facing.

if you want to see where this goes, i do as well.

we share something special.

my people are nothing if not resourceful.

thought i'd shaken you for good.

that'll teach me to underestimate you.

she's trying to trick us, don't believe her lies.

when i saw an opportunity to get away, i took it.

you're asking me to trust a devil.

i don't want this to end badly for either of us.

you know monsters, right? better than anyone?

thought i was going to have to take your head.

there have been enough threats today.

how would you feel about helping me kill some evil bastards?

turns out i've got a knack for killing demons.

she looks like she could throw me over her shoulders and carry me to safety.

i'd hug you if it wouldn't scorch your skin off.

she's got the brawn of a warrior and the wiles of a survivor.

she speaks her mind, plainly and fully.

in other circumstances, i would have done the same.

best to not dwell on nights past.

you've been naughty.

you know what happens when you're naughty.

aren't you a luscious thing.

if i had a warm heart, i'm sure it would be skipping.

i've taken more pleasant shits than you.

that's no kind of talk for a lady.

you better not lay a damned finger on [name].

a promise broken, a price paid.

been a long time since someone stuck their neck out for me like that.

he's a good man, maybe the best of us.

the sex gets better the more experience you have with someone.

#bg3 meme #text meme #rp sentence meme #sentence prompts #rp sentences #sentence meme #sentence starters #starter sentences #starter meme #rp sentence prompts #rp starters

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exsqueezememacaroni · 11 days

Text

ANSWERS ANSWERS ANSWERS

Preface: Mike's answers were received as an audio recording and I've transcribed them here to the best of my abilities - he reads the questions out loud, which i don't include. He's jovial and snarky AF in his answers, which might fall a little flat in text. "Source's" followup answers were in text and copy-pasted, they're a lot more sincere. I've decided to post all answers in full...you might be surprised by them and you can take them how you like, but don't shoot the delivery person (me) or the messenger (the Source).

Ok, here they are: question, Mike's answer, Source's answer [my commentary]

whens the mexico tour mike? do you hate mexicans mike?

(joking on that last one ofc xd)

There are a lot of tours happening. You're gonna have to be more specific. A better question is: when will my tacos be ready?

I'll expand on this one. He is very close to signing off on a small tour with one of his bands. He is also trying very hard to find a way to reschedule the one he had to cancel, but the logistics is making it hard. He is trying to keep his touring to 3 weeks out max and 2 months home. Which is hard to do with his bigger band.

do you still have toodles the baby doll, the one you had in 92'-93'? do have any other antique items similar to toodles? if so, what are your favorites?

Wait, we need a visual for this story, hold on [Mike and the Source giggle, I don't know what happens here edit: this probably when the toodles/hippo/pig video was recorded]...let's see, what's next...mmm...yeah....nope...pass

He has a few antique items. Like a shrunken skull and a medical amputation kit from the 1700s.

roddy, somewhat recently like a few months ago, in an instagram live did a qna and someone asked him what he thought about trey and he told a story about him having a ball of straight boogers that he collected his boogers in and i just wanna ask if that is true or not because that is a insane story if it actually did happen

....booger ball? HAHA ok...hmmm? Well where do you put your boogers in huh??? Do you eat them? put 'em in your stomach? [Source: "eww"] That ball sounds pretty good about now, right?hahahahh

Mike knows nothing about this. It doesn't sound to me like something Trey would do now. Who knows what he did when he was younger though.

What does Mike think about his fans?

What do i think about my fans....well...if I'm being honest? I question their mental health...HAHA...sorry...I didn't mean to! [Source: "MIKE!"] I kid, I kid....I'm very grateful...to all ten of them....[chuckle]

He is truly grateful for them. Some also scare him a little.

What was the best prank Mike pulled on tour??

....I would ask Crain or Pearson... [Source has a big laugh]

With Dead Cross. He had arranged for the police to pull over their van while touring in Texas. The officer was a fan and Mike had him "plant" drugs and a gun in the car. Dave knew what was happening but Justin and Mike were freaking out. They were handcuffed and laying in the dirt when they found out it was all a joke.

Who has a nicer butt? Mike or Trevor?

Again, you're gonna have to elaborate on that one....I mean, which Mike? I can't POSSIBLY be expected to answer the question without knowing...hahaha

Mike gets my vote. He has a great butt.

Is there a lyric to a song Mike wrote that was so unhinged that he thought it was better to keep to himself?

Ya, the answer is nope.

So many choices, but he doesn't do regrets. I will tell you that the bullshit he spins about his Faith No More lyrics being random and impersonal, is just that. Bullshit. A good number of those lyrics are highly personal. Furthermore, quite a few of these songs when woven together tell a very personal story. You will NEVER get him to admit this though.

What is Mike's sexual orientation?

Hehe - you wanna take that one [source]? [Source: eehhhuuummmmmmmmm....no...no I'm good]

I feel like if I answer this, there will be a lot of disappointed people. I'll just say he had a wife, he has a girlfriend. You do the math.

Were Mike and Trevor ever a thing?

Sure....in his fucking wet dreams....hahahahah

Yes, they were and are “friends” Seriously though, not that I am aware of, and I've known them both since 1989.

Did mike get a BJ from that groupie he talked about in the making of Angel Dust? Or was it all made up just to troll?

[Mike skips over this one]

I'll answer this one. That was a true story. All of it, including the fact that he did NOT take her up on her offer of giving him a BJ. *He would like to add that he often wonders if that was a mistake and he missed out on some "really good head." He is kidding, of course. When he said he doesn't like groupies, he was being sincere. It gives him the "ick”

since it's time to ask anything: how big is Mike's dick?

Shamefully small....you're like Dora the Explorer on the hunt for it. [Source laughs]

I have ZERO complaints [you might guess the Source's relationship to Mike here]

first and foremost, is mike doing ok? i mean, both mentally and physically.. i just hope he got over all the things that were troubling him and is in a good state right now😭

Wow, ya....um....that's really kind [he truly sounds taken aback by the question] I am doing well. And...um.... I thank you for the support, it's appreciated. Truly, I mean that....ok....I'm done....you do the rest, [source]. [recording ends]

He is doing well. He is taking the advice of his care team and limiting his work. Enjoying life. Moving forward you will find his tours are broken into multi-week sessions followed by some downtime, and projects will be less frequent, but hopefully more satisfying.

is mike currently working on some new music/projects/plans to revive some of the old ones? some upcoming collaborations maybe?

Yes. However he told me I could only give you a very basic answer. He is working on something new, but his priority and focus is on fulfilling the tours he had to postpone or cancel over the past few years. Starting with his “slutty” group. [the slutty group is Tomahawk ;) ]

now for the more personal ones… [the previous two and the next two questions were all from the same anon]

those weren't personal?😂oh boy!

Yeah he isn't going to answer these. But I will try.

what is mike's current relationship with trevor? are they on good terms? do they talk/spend time together still? i think we can all agree that there is kind of an elephant in the room right now regarding their recent interactions (i'm very much looking at you trev)

Things are probably the best they've been since high school. They do live on different coasts and both tend to keep busy, so they don't have time to really "hang" out, but that hasn't really been something that they do since high school. They see each other enough over work and yes, they really do enjoy working together. Especially now that they have both matured some.

is mike still… married?? i need to hear the most elaborate answer for this one because his marriage in particular is a real twilight zone haha

Bless you for asking this! Personally, this subject irks me a bit. So I am glad someone asked, as I would love to set the record straight. Yes, he is still technically married, but only for legal reasons. I cannot give you more details as it would violate someones privacy. However; he and Cristina are not together. He likes to be vague about this, as it

is somewhat of a security blanket for him. Now that he has gone public about his demons, you can probably understand why he likes to keep people at an arms length distance. Especially women. Yes they separated and then reconciled. It didn't work out. Having a significant other that is never around can lead to loneliness and other issues, and they just couldn't make it work. Even so, they still remain friends and live a few blocks away from each other. Romantically, that relationship is dead AF. That does not mean that he is "available" though. He isn't. I promise you he is happy. At least he says he is. He is the love of my life.

[I asked about my gifts for Mike from the Southern US Bungle tour, they DID end up on the bus, the anal hook got passed around and somehow ended up with Dave?!??! Mutherfuckr....anyways, I gave the Source the link to where I got it in case she wanted to get another one for Mike. And as for the socks...]

That was very kind of you and he definitely appreciates the thought and creativity put into these gifts. I have definitely seen the socks with blood dripping. I'll look for the ones with the skull. He did mention to me that he's loves all the socks that fans have given

him. So I am sure he has them. As for the anal hook. Thank you for the link. I'm not sure that man needs any more "gadgets" if you catch my drift.

[I apologized for the "is he still married' question...you all know how I feel about that topic...]

It's okay. Like I said, I honestly don't mind answering that one at all.

I don't mind answering any of these. Look, I think he is hot too. I would be a total hypocrite if I didn't understand the fascination. Which is why I encouraged him to answer these. Plus he is so damn guarded. It's good for him to open up. Baby steps. Answering a few questions won't hurt him or change his life.

What turns him on about a woman or man?

I did try to get him to answer this question seriously… I tried. Instead he started describing me. Except for the end when he added and "Big sweaty hairy balls." Obviously I can't answer this for him, but I can tell you what he has told me what he likes about me… at least the PG version. He always tells me his favorite thing about me is my

kindness and big heart and that I accept him unconditionally. I know, probably not what you were expecting. He also tends to be attracted to women who are creative and successful. That is my own observation from the women he has dated. He also loves dark haired and dark eyed women, with a wicked sense or humor. He is also definitely an "ass" man. As for men, I have never heard him honestly mention being attracted to one, other than when he was joking around.

[to me, and I decided to include...] I know you all like to fantasize that he has gay tendencies. So if you prefer to keep this answer quiet I completely understand. But I can assure you, he is not keeping his gay side closeted or anything. We are very open minded as a couple and believe me, if he wanted to experiment. He could have.

What's his favourite fragrance?

Currently it's Burberry Touch. He also likes Montblanc Legend.

[I interject: *me again - actually there's a lot of chat around what fragrance mike wears….people really like

it….if he wants to share the internet would be forever grateful]

I understand. He smells amazing. Scents are a big thing with him.

Is Mike really into the BDSM community or is it all stage acting?

I did say we are a very open minded couple. Plus the man is an Aquarius.

That's that on that, folks. There were a couple of questions that have come in since these, I haven't sent them in yet, hoping to get a few more in so I can send a block of 'em. The Source says we're still welcome to ask, but she can't promise anything more from Mike. I personally want you all to know the interactions I've had with the Source have all been very sweet. It really does sound like she wants Mike to start be more comfortable out there in the world again, and so I want you all to love and support them both with all your bits.

FIN

#mike patton #anon asks #i guess?#THE BIG ANSWERS #no reblogs - this one's for the true fans here #faith no more #mr bungle #trevor dunn #tomahawk band #trey spruance

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branches-of-time · 2 months

Text

The House That Built Me

“Figured you’d either still be at the tavern, or were already home wondering where I was.”

He smiles at you, soft, before looking away. “I was at the tavern most of the day, like I planned this morning. But… something didn’t feel right. I wasn’t really… giving it my all, and I think the patrons could tell.”

You frown. “What didn’t feel right? Are you okay?”

“Oh, I’m fine, Windblume. I’m just fine.”

You aren’t convinced. “Then, uh… do you feel like sharing what isn’t fine?”

His gaze drops to the dark sea below. “I think you know what it is, actually.”

Cryptic as ever, you take a moment to ponder what he might mean. He takes the silence as an opportunity to elaborate. “I never really wonder where you are, you know?"

~~~~~~~

Inazuma, all raging storms and war-torn, is calling your name. Shamefully, you find yourself running north instead, searching for something, anything to fill this home-shaped void in your heart.

Maybe, just maybe, you’ll come to find that home is a person, more than a place.

Pairing: Venti x Reader - Established Relationship, GN!Reader

Word Count: 11,033

Contains: [angst (with a happy ending)] [crying] [cuddling] [emotional hurt/comfort] [lack of communication] [loneliness] [memories] [not canon compliant] [pet death] [Reader & Venti are both adults] [Reader is not Traveler but they essentially take their place in the game's plot] [self-deprecating reader] [separation anxiety] [set prior to Version 2.0] [songfic]

A/Ns: This is a songfic! Title and verses written throughout the fic are from the song- "The House That Built Me" by Miranda Lambert.

Lastly, some context- Reader is a Riftwolf-Human hybrid, can manipulate all seven elements but has an affinity for Geo.

I know they say you can't go home again.

Sand, warmed by the afternoon sun, swells between your spread fingers as you press your hands down into the ground at your sides. Summoning a modicum of Geo elemental energy, your hands meet no resistance as they sink into the compacted grains like a hot knife through butter. You drop your raised shoulders and let your hands bury several inches into the beach until the sand surrounding them is cool, untouched by the heat of the day.

Dismissing the energy you’d been using to repel it, you allow the ground to resist you again. You note the weight of the sand as it presses down on the backs of your hands, and the firm bed of grains packed beneath your palms. You shut your eyes and flex your fingers slightly, focusing on the soft grit of Falcon Coast as it surrounds your hands in its weighted embrace.

Breathing a heavy sigh, you reopen your eyes, dropping your head and cursing the earth beneath you. This attempt at grounding yourself is doing little to ease the knot in your stomach, nor the tightness in your chest. Looking up and out across the expanse of ocean before you, the sight of Musk Reef looming in the distance doesn’t help either. You refuse to allow your gaze to drift any further south.

You begin to ask yourself what you’re even doing here, and why you thought this was a good idea. You’re no stranger to fleeing to Mondstadt whenever the world overwhelms you, but this specific beach perhaps wasn’t the wisest choice. Certainly not when the very thing you’re running from is the sea.

You hadn’t put much thought into where to go, you just knew you wanted to go home. Materializing at the waypoint east of Windrise was simply instinctual. Though, when you arrived, you didn’t turn and head north like you had so many times before. No, you took a running jump off the cliff below, gliding south and landing on the coast.

Sitting here now though, hands buried in the same sand you first washed up on after clawing your way out of the abyss… it’s not as comforting of a spot as you thought it might be. You don’t feel grounded at all, caught up between memories of the past and fears of the future.

Tugging your hands out of the sand with a frustrated huff, you turn your head to glance behind you at the cliff to the north.

…Maybe you should’ve gone that way instead. Maybe you should go home.

I just had to come back one last time.

Materializing at the earlier waypoint once again, you pause to collect yourself for a moment. Making frequent use of the waypoints, especially in your current state, isn’t very wise. Then again, you aren’t in a very wise state. Taking a deep breath to dispel the dizziness, you let the warm breeze caress your cheeks. Looking around from your current vantage point, you find yourself grateful for the lack of people in the area. Even Chloris is currently nowhere to be found.

Well, at least you can think in peace. Jumping down from the crumbling ruin, you steady yourself against an archway, narrowly avoiding crushing a small patch of lamp grass. …Perhaps you should’ve taken another moment to collect yourself. Perhaps you shouldn’t be wandering through the wilds all on your own, in such a state.

You scoff at the latter thought. This is Mondstadt, and you’re… you. What’s the worst that could happen?

Pushing aside the thought that more alone time may not be what you need right now, you think yourself through your predicament once again as you set off on a walk.

You’d been reluctant to leave Mondstadt and set out for Liyue, despite knowing that you’d get no further answers to your myriad of questions here. Not to mention the nagging, relentless tug of fate, pulling you away from the nation you’d come to call home. You knew full and well that you’d have to leave. You’d find no peace in an attempt to ignore the call, and settle here indefinitely.

Still, that didn’t stop you from milking your time here as much as possible. You’d gotten to a first name basis with nearly every soul in the city by the time you ran out of tasks to busy yourself with. Gained quite the notable reputation for yourself in the process too, although that hadn’t been your goal. You truly just didn’t want to leave.

You’d trekked over every hill, passed through every valley, climbed to every peak and turned over every stone and leaf along your way. You explored the nation’s ruins, deciphered inscriptions half faded into their stone, and felled every field till- …ruin guard that stood in your way. You’d braved the frozen peaks of Dragonspine, and gained a newfound appreciation for the Pyro element in the process.

You stood atop the celestial nail, looking out through the blizzard and over the expanse of land to the southwest.

The vast, foreign land that laid before you scared you more than the journey to the top of the nail had.

After all, you didn’t fear falling. The wind at your back would surely catch you, you had no doubt.

Flecks of Cryo stung, colliding with the flushed, exposed skin of your face. You closed your eyes, balance wavering slightly as a result. A small arm was quick to wrap itself around your waist.

No, you didn’t fear falling. You feared leaving.

You leaned into the safety of your Archon’s hold, their concerned voice perfectly audible in spite of the blizzard winds surrounding you. “Are you alright? Do you need to get down?”

You feared leaving him.

Leaves from the end of a tree branch brush against your perked ears, pulling you back into the present. Shaking your head and drawing your ears down on instinct, you look around and realize your muscle memory has carried you the rest of the way home. Tucked away against a small cliff south of the Thousand Winds Temple, stands an even smaller cottage, forgotten to time. An Anemo Samachurl paces in circles in the yard, and its Geo counterpart sits on the old stone stairs leading into the home.

Ma'am, I know you don't know me from Adam.

The Geo Samachurl turns to look at you, and you give it a small wave in acknowledgement. Its attention lingers on you for only a moment longer, before turning back to continue watching its Anemo companion instead. A smile plays on your lips, tight and bittersweet.

You make no move to continue approaching, instead opting to back up a few paces and lean against a nearby tree, observing.

They can sense enough of your shared origins, or- maybe it’s the lingering abyssal energy on you… regardless, they can sense something on you that they recognize. Nothing specific, but something familiar enough that they feel no need to take up arms upon the mere sight of you. In all honesty, you feel the same. Their presence here doesn’t pose any genuine threat, so you’re content to leave them be.

In the many months that have passed since Venti and you moved out of this place, it’s become a haven for others. Whether it be traveling adventurers seeking shelter for a night, wildlife seeking refuge from a passing storm beneath the awning, or even your old Khaenri’ahn kin seeking a place to camp, the cottage has served many.

The both of you have kept a distant eye on the place since your departure. Though, Venti has found himself remaining more distant than you since these Samachurls have set up camp. While your presence doesn’t ring any alarm bells for them, the same cannot be said for Venti. While he holds no ill intent toward them either, something about the aura he emits sets them instinctively on edge.

You can hardly blame them. You’d raised your hackles and bared your teeth at the bard, defensive upon your first encounter as well. Looking back, he was hardly posing any threat then either, but at the time, you viewed everyone and everything as a potential enemy. After all, you’d just escaped the abyss and been tossed to the shore of Falcon Coast by the waves, your weaker control over Cryo failing you halfway across your attempt at an ice bridge. Waking up on hot sand to find a humanoid being with an unsettling gaze emanating a suspiciously divine aura above you was more than enough to kick your fight or flight into gear.

You attempted both, in that order. You immediately dug your hands into the sand and threw fistfuls of it at the stranger, successfully disorienting them and giving you an opening to flee. With nothing but ocean to the east, you bolted west, and then north, headed for higher ground intent on gaining an advantage.

Looking back now, you know nothing could’ve stopped Venti if he’d truly wanted to catch you. At the time, though, you felt pretty confident in having outrun him. By the time you felt like you’d lost him, you found yourself also lost amidst trees, the uneven terrain obscuring your sense of direction. So- tired, thirsty, hungry, scared, and confused- you dropped from a run to a walk. Pressing forward in the direction you’d run in, you kept your ears at attention to catch any threat before it could catch you.

The Anemo Samachurl breaks from its quiet chanting and pacing, its sudden cry pulling your focus from the past. From the way it points and takes off in a run, and the way its Geo counterpart rises to follow behind, you assume it must have seen something in the woods that caught its attention. You see nor sense nothing of note, and dismiss the likely false alarm. Probably just wildlife, or perhaps a Dendro slime looking to play. As the two little shamans run off into the trees, you take advantage of the vacancy they leave behind.

But these handprints on the front steps are mine.

You figure you’ve got enough time for a quick visit before they return. Besides, the worst that’ll happen if they do catch you in their “camp” will be a few disgruntled spells cast toward you as you hightail it out of there. It’ll be fine.

Approaching the trio of old stone steps that lead to the front door, your gaze catches on two handprints engraved into the highest stair. Memories begin to surface.

Sitting on the stairs with your back pressed to the door, you found yourself growing frustrated with the green-clad individual in your yard. Well, perched in one of the trees in your yard, to be precise.

You’d taken up residence in this old run-down cottage once it seemed that no one else had been occupying it. The first few days had been blessedly peaceful, it seemed the area was rather devoid of other life. Well, threatening life, at least. There were plenty of plants and animals, plus a little pond close by, providing far more sustenance than you’d grown used to surviving on. You figured it was as good of a place as any to try and sort out your next move. You hadn’t put much thought into what you’d do once you escaped, after all. You found yourself feeling… lost. After charging ahead with your focus locked on a single goal for so damn long… you didn’t know what to do with yourself now that you’d achieved it.

You weren’t lost for long though. The nosy stranger that found you on the beach proved to be the next target of your focus. Your peaceful existence in this cottage overlooking the sea didn’t last long before you found yourself in their unwanted company once again. They might’ve thought they were subtle, hiding amongst the treetops and watching you quietly.

They weren't. You could sense them. Hell, even if it weren’t for the strange aura they emanated, you could smell them. They carried a strong scent of fermentation with them, and you could easily pick up on the pungent smell in the wind.

On the third day of your silent standoff, you grew fed up with this stranger’s odd behavior. You only knew one way of settling things, and that was face-to-face, not through some weird game of observation. You cleared your throat, preparing your underused voice and searching for your words. Tilting your head back to look at the trespasser, you snarl at their relaxed stance, laid back across a branch like they’re asleep.

“Come down.” You bark the command up into the trees.

The stranger doesn’t comply, but they do acknowledge you, opening their eyes and turning their head to look down at you. “So you can speak!”

You’re in no mood to entertain their conversation, certainly not before making sense of their intentions. “Come. Down.” You repeat, voice flat and serious.

“Are you gonna throw sand in my eyes again?” Light and playful, they question you.

You huff. “No.” Not without good reason, at least, you think to yourself but fail to vocalize.

They hum in thought for a moment before going quiet again. You let the seconds pass, growing more irritable with each one. Just as you’re about to call them down once again, they roll to the side, willingly falling from the branch they’d been laying on. Your muscles twitch and lock for a moment as you stop yourself from… from… from what? What were you going to do, run and try to catch them? Why would you do that? They’ve done nothing for you.

Your lack of action proves itself inconsequential as the stranger falls at a remarkably slow speed. It’s less of a fall and more of a… decent, you suppose, seeming to effortlessly defy gravity. Righting themself midair to land on their feet, they pull their cape forward on their shoulders, beginning to approach you.

You plant your hands firmly on the stone at your sides, readying yourself for anything.

“While that wasn’t the most convincing answer, I suppose I can extend a bit of trust to you. I sure hope you don’t make me regret it though!” They come far closer to you than anyone with a sense of self-preservation ought to. They hold a hand out between you, and you stare at it, waiting for something to happen. “I’m Venti, a bard from the city.”

Finally getting your first proper look at them up close, you’re struck with the strangest sense of recognition. You couldn’t pinpoint it to save your life, but… something about this person feels… familiar. Distant, hazy, and inexplicable, but it’s there nonetheless.

You don’t like it.

When you make no move to do… whatever they seem to want you to do with their hand, they drop it, and you flinch at the sudden motion. Frowning, they question you. “Might I ask for your name in exchange, my dear trespasser? We can hardly get to know one another without exchanging some basic information.”

Your brows pinch in frustration at the stranger's many words. They say a lot, and they say it fast. It’s been… you can’t recall how long it’s been since you last held such conversation. One word stands out to you, though. “Trespasser? Me?”

He nods. “Well, technically, yes! I don’t know much about you yet but I do know that this isn’t your house.”

“How?” You question, eyes narrowing, watching as they stupidly step even closer.

“How do I know that this isn’t yours?” They question you in return.

You nod, claws sharpening, palms itching with pent-up Geo energy crackling beneath your skin.

“Because it’s mine, silly!” They laugh, reaching out toward you.

Your instincts take over as the stranger moves to grab you, and you force your hands into the stone beneath you. Releasing the Geo energy you’d been holding onto, you use the repelling force to launch yourself up off the stairs and at the fool standing before you.

You don’t make contact with them though, stumbling forward into what suddenly becomes thin air and tripping over nothing, sending yourself straight to the ground. Righting yourself before you can even register the impact, your claws tear through the dirt and grass as you turn back to face your opponent on all fours.

You freeze at the sight of them, casually propped against the railing of the stairs, clearly not poised to fight. With no weapon in their hands, and refusing to take on any sort of combative stance, you find yourself locked in a one-sided stand-off.

Not taking their eyes off you, the stranger pats the banister they’re leaning against. “I wasn’t reaching out for you, friend.” As you process their words and the seconds turn into a minute, they make no move to attack you, so you slowly let your guard down. Just slightly. Bending at the knees, you settle in a deep squat on the ground.

When the stranger seems confident enough that you aren’t about to throw yourself at them again, they allow their attention to leave you and fall to the step where you’d just sat. Following their gaze, you notice two handprints now carved into the stone, the very edge of the stair chipped away in places where your claws had caught on it.

You ready yourself for an attack, as this stranger surely won’t take kindly to destruction of, apparently, their property. But they make no move to do any such thing. They simply look back up at you with a knowing smile.

“You take after Morax, I see.”

Up those stairs in that little back bedroom, is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar.

Smiling and shaking your head at the memory, you make your way into the small home. It’s rather bare, even more so than it had been when you first found the place. The two of you had taken all of your personal possessions with you into the teapot, leaving nothing but the basic furniture behind. After all, you had far better options awaiting you through Tubby’s sub-space creation.

Seeing the cottage in its original state, it once again becomes clear to you just how little Venti had customized the place prior to you moving in. He didn’t, and still doesn’t have much to his name, truly living the life of the wandering bard he identifies as. Most of what he does have he keeps on his person, whether that be in the physical sense, or dematerialized and stored away.

The cottage turned into a bit less of a shelter and more of a home over the many months you spent there with him. You stocked the little kitchen with far more than just his assortment of fruits, and an array of objects you collected from your outings lined the shelves. Looking back now, with a bit more insight on your own mental and emotional states, you venture a guess as to your behavior. You were likely hoarding whatever you found as a means of making up for how long you spent having nothing.

Venti never shamed you for it, even though he likely understood the behavior from the beginning. He was incredibly empathetic, and kinder than you felt you deserved, even once parts of your past became known to him. It took some time, given your struggle to keep up with his words, and the bigger struggle of finding your own. You managed to get it across to him eventually though, and he’d been benevolent enough to take you in.

You come to a stop in the bedroom doorway, surveying the place through the lens of the past.

You remember countless hours spent at the small desk in the corner, hunched over paper with text on it that you couldn’t decipher. Venti stood beside you, one hand on your shoulder, patiently teaching you how to make sense of the symbols you saw.

You remember less stressful hours spent sitting on the floor, curiously plucking at the strings of the bard’s various instruments with your claws. He’d sit on the bed watching you, naming the notes and teaching you how to turn your discordant noise into beautiful music. You were never as good as he was though, and you really didn’t mind. You preferred to listen to him playing, anyway. The bard possessed a beautiful voice, and the soft songs he’d sing to you in the dark of night never failed to put your tormented mind at ease.

Staring at your designated spot on the floor, you laugh at the memory of countless nights spent refusing his invitations. He’d offered his bed to you from the beginning, insisting that you deserved it more than he did. Besides, he said, he was used to sleeping in trees and fields, on barstools and street corners. He claimed he wouldn’t miss the bed at all.

You wouldn’t hear of it. Vehemently denying any offers, you stubbornly slept- atop as many blankets and pillows as you’d allow him to give you- on the floor by his bed like the dog you were. He wasn’t the only one used to sleeping in uncomfortable places, and you weren’t about to lose your edge by getting too comfortable too soon.

You think of the way you woke up this morning, wrapped in soft, warm blankets on a wide, plush mattress, face nuzzled into his neck, arms around his waist.

You’ve both come a long way.

You hear the familiar sound of distant hilichurlian chanting, and make your move to leave, bidding your old bedroom a quiet farewell once again.

Slipping out of the cottage and rounding the side of the building in a few long strides, you narrowly manage to evade their notice. Peeking around the corner, you watch them return to their prior posts. The Anemo Samachurl diligently paces between the trees, its Geo companion keeping watch from the stairs.

You smile, and turn to make your silent departure.

Checking in on your old home had been a successful distraction from the thoughts you’re trying to avoid, but you couldn’t linger there forever. Still, feeling unprepared to return to the teapot and try to put on a brave face for Venti, you find yourself wandering. With no particular destination in mind, you let your feet take you where they may.

You try to think of nothing at all for a while, failing over and over again as your mind searches for something to latch onto. Apparently counting your steps wasn’t entertaining enough for it.

After a while of failing to meditate on your walk, you find yourself leaving grass and stepping onto a dirt path. Looking up and around, you realize you’ve made your way to the road leading to the Thousand Winds Temple.

Turning and looking south, you can see the massive tree at Windrise, off in the distance. Far, far, beyond that, bringing your eyes to the horizon, you can see the snowy peaks of Dragonspine beyond the tall cliff of Galesong Hill. You sigh.

And I bet you didn't know, under that live oak, my favorite dog is buried in the yard.

A few months after arriving in Mondstadt and settling in with Venti, you found yourself exploring the icy riverbank that borders Dragonspine. The stubborn bard, wrapped in the thickest cloak he owned, trudged along behind you.

You’d told him he didn’t have to join you that day, but the thought of you exploring unfamiliar territory without him apparently just didn’t sit right. So, in spite of his occasional grumbles over the increasing cold, he never left your side.

The area was predictably desolate, save for a few Cryo Hilichurl archers lounging on the icy banks like they were on summer vacation. You weren’t looking for a fight that day though, just to explore, so you avoided drawing their attention given the divine company you were in.

Later on, as you were focusing hard on what Pyro energy you could summon in an attempt to melt the ice encasing a chest, you found something far more valuable. Venti saw it first, having been eyeing the surroundings while you were focused on the task at hand. Calling your name, he summoned your attention with ease.

Turning to look at him, your gaze followed his pointed finger and landed on a dog, slowly making its way toward you.

The animal was fairly large, but certainly far from threatening given the state it was in. As it drew closer, Venti lowered himself to his knees in the cold wet grass, suddenly forgoing his prior reluctance to endure the elements. You smiled. It seemed like he’d learned a thing or two from you about dealing with fearful dogs.

You followed suit, crouching down beside him and getting on the dog's level. The shivering animal hesitated, coming to a stop about fifteen feet away. Materializing some fresh meat you’d caught on the journey there, you quietly held it out toward the dog.

It sniffed the air, but refused to move.

Tearing a chunk off, you gently tossed it in the dog’s direction, and it landed a few feet in front of it. Sniffing harder, the animal carefully approached the offering, sticking its head out as far as it could to reach the food and avoid coming closer.

The two of you spent the better part of an hour luring the dog toward you, slowly but surely winning it over with continued offerings of fresh meat.

Upon closer inspection, you were honestly shocked that it was still standing. Skin stretched tight across its ribcage, hip bones two sharp peaks, spine a long mountain range down its back… the thing was clearly starving. You weren’t sure if it was the stress of a difficult life, a sign of old age, or both, but what you assumed had once been black fur was almost white from graying, particularly in its face. It trembled incessantly, and as soon as it came close enough and didn’t seem apt to bolt, Venti untied his cape and wrapped it around the dog, who shockingly didn’t fight it.

Maybe Venti had been serious when he claimed he could talk to animals.

You fed it more bites of meat as the two of you quietly discussed the best way to get it home. Blessedly, once the dog realized that neither of you held malicious intentions, it switched gears surprisingly fast. More than just tolerating your presence, the dog actually began to cling to you, frantically whining when you both stood up, fearful that you’d be leaving it behind.

Abandoning your half-melted treasure, you knew it was time to leave. You were quite a ways from home and you weren’t about to try teleporting the dog in its current state. So instead, you carefully picked her up, frowning at how little she weighed. Venti took the remaining meat and distracted the nervous dog with more offerings of food as you began your long, slow journey home.

“Don’t- don’t feed her too fast. I know she’s hungry but I don’t want to make her sick.”

Venti nodded, tearing off smaller bites. “I remember.” He cryptically confirmed.

You adjusted the dog in your hold, pulling Venti’s cape up around her neck. “…Remember what?”

He suppressed a shiver, but you still noticed. “You ate yourself sick on fruit and raw meat the first night you spent here.”

Your head turned quickly, staring down at him. “You were watching? Even then?”

He nodded, expression solemn. “I followed you home, you know? It just took a few days for you to notice that I was there.”

You walked in thoughtful silence for a while after that, wondering if your scattered senses had failed you, or if he was actually better at hiding his aura than you thought.

The dog lived with the both of you in your little cottage for a few good months. She gradually put on weight, and some life returned to her alongside it. She still moved slowly, though, and you feared she was in pain.

By that point, you’d befriended a timid alchemist with mint-green hair, and sought her assistance. She’d kindly offered you a medicine of her own creation, advising that the dog seemed rather old, and likely suffered from joint pain. You offered her payment in Mora, which she politely refused. You eventually got her to accept a small assortment of bones you’d gathered in exchange, correctly surmising that the offer would be too tempting for her to refuse.

Sucrose’s medicine seemed to help, because the dog moved with noticeably more ease once you began giving it to her. She was far from spry, but she seemed comfortable, so you were content. She was also content, in the precious, innocent way that only a dog can be. Just happy to be alive, happy to be fed, happy to be safe. Happy to be near someone that loves them, and happy to be near someone they love.

“Adagio.” Venti had once said, gently raking his nails through her fur on a warm, sleepy afternoon.

“What’s that?’ It was far from the first time he’d said a word you didn’t know.

“In musical terms, it means played slowly… I think it would be a nice name for her.”

You considered it for a moment, and found it rather fitting, nodding in agreement with a smile. “I like that.”

Adagio spent her days laying in the shade near the cliff’s edge, watching the waves lap at the small shore below. Looking back, you can thank her for teaching Venti that you can survive a half a day on your own. She could hardly chase you all over Mondstadt, or weave her way after Venti through the busy city streets, so when one of you needed to go out for something, the other would stay home with her. One of the two of you were always there, and she never knew the pain of being alone again.

She spent her nights curled between the two of you. She couldn’t make the jump up onto the bed, and you were still stubbornly sleeping on the floor, so Venti made the executive decision to heave the mattress onto the floor as well. As silly of a sight as it may have been to an outsider, the three of you were comfortable, curled together amidst blankets and pillows on the too-small mattress, bed frame abandoned on the other side of the room.

Nothing lasts forever though, and it seemed to you that the best of things were always the quickest to go.

As months passed, her movements went from slow to slower, and she started struggling with more things. She could no longer steady herself to make it up and down the three stairs to your home, so one of you carried her every time. She slept more and moved less, and her love of food began to wane.

This wasn’t your first experience with something like this. Though it had been an awfully long time since you lived through it last, you still knew what was coming.

That didn’t make it hurt any less, though. Not at all.

Both of you sat awake with her through the final night, keeping her comfortable and telling her how much you loved her. You’d never hoped harder that Venti’s communicative abilities held true.

You kept it together until she released her final breath, and when you knew she was gone, you allowed yourself to fall apart.

Up until then, your walls had been an impenetrable fortress. No emotion escaped unless you allowed it. Venti had never seen you cry.

So when your pain escaped you this time, falling in heavy golden tears and landing in her gray fur, he could only stare. He knew this wasn’t his moment to intrude on, so he didn’t. He didn’t rush to wrap you in an embrace, nor did he try to offer any hollow words of comfort. This was pain. This was loss. He was intimately familiar with it, and he knew it had to be felt.

There isn’t a single detail of that night that you don’t recall, and the teal tears that fell next to your golden ones are no exception.

That was the first time you saw him cry, too.

The evening breeze cools the hot golden tracks running down your cheeks. You watch tears fall onto the dirt path beneath you, and then you close your eyes.

You both sat there with what remained of her until the morning sun slipped in through the window. You were surprised when Venti broke the silence, offering to bury Adagio beneath the Windrise tree.

You spoke through a voice thick and strained from your cries. “That’s… that’s a really special place.”

He nodded. “She was a really special dog.”

You wiped the fresh tears from your eyes before they could fall, turning to face him.

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely.” He put his hand out, laying it next to Adagio on the mattress. “Unless you’d prefer elsewhere?”

You knew what to do this time. Reaching out and laying your hand in his, you shook your head slowly. “No. I think Windrise would be perfect.”

Opening your eyes, you raise your head to glance once more at the massive tree across the sprawling field. Bidding Adagio another quiet goodbye, you pull in a shaky breath, and turn, heading north.

Walking in silence for a while, you try to let your emotions settle. The tears you just shed seemed to help a little, but the knot in your stomach won’t leave you.

You follow the road a little while longer, but when you find yourself nearing the temple, you take a detour and head west, off the beaten path. You aren’t keen on running into whatever random explorers might be camping there this evening. Besides, the scent of cecilias is on the breeze, and you’d rather follow that instead.

Making your way up the uneven terrain that comprises the base of Starsnatch Cliff, your mind returns to its ruminations over what brought you here today in the first place.

You leave home, you move on, and you do the best you can.

The reason for your reluctance to leave Mondstadt became abundantly clear on the day you finally set out for the neighboring nation. As you left Dawn Winery behind and crossed the border, headed for Stone Gate, it sank in quickly.

Venti wasn’t beside you.

Up until that point, he’d been the literal wind at your back every step of the way. Every commission you completed, every request you fulfilled, every inch of land you explored, he was right behind you. Or beside you, or above you, or in front of you…

Regardless, he was there. Answering your questions, telling you stories, helping you make sense of the unfamiliar. Whether it be words you couldn’t yet read, customs you didn’t yet understand, or emotions you couldn’t yet identify, he was your guide through it all. The Stormterror crisis came and went, as did the… incident with Signora, and the two of you grew ever closer as a result of it all. You could fill a book with the stories of what you two went through in the mere year you spent in this nation. But, as you sat together beneath the Windrise tree one evening discussing it all, it slowly grew clear that it was coming time to move on. As if the notion alone wasn’t stressful enough already, there seemed to be an unspoken understanding that it was a journey you must undertake alone.

So, you did. You’d packed your things, said your temporary goodbyes, and set off on your own without so much as once giving in to the urge to ask him to come along. The goodbyes were, after all, only temporary. You hoped. If you made it through whatever awaited you in Liyue alive, you always planned on returning home.

And you did. Many times.

You, scared as you’d been, made it through the lively adventure that was your initial trip to Liyue, and you’d come out much stronger for it. You found a confidence that you’d forgotten you possessed, forced to show itself once there was no travel companion for you to rely on.

Quite early in your journey, you gathered that you weren’t completely alone anyhow. Sure, in your day-to-day there was no talkative bard trailing behind you, and the nights proved themselves awfully lonely indeed. But Venti’s parting words, “may the wind protect you”, proved themselves surprisingly literal as you took note of one particular Yaksha. After a few nights at Wangshu Inn, and a few bowls of almond tofu shared in relative silence, the man had made himself into your shadow shockingly fast. He never seemed to be around when your gaze searched for him in a crowd, but was always conveniently there the moment you ran into trouble.

Still, in spite of his protection, not to mention your growing, innate connection with the God of your favored element, you longed for home. You longed for your home. You longed for your God.

I got lost in this whole world, and forgot who I am.

So, once the dust, or, well, waves had settled and Rex Lapis had been “officially” laid to rest, you found yourself headed northeast.

In spite of how proud you’d been for making it on your own, all of that crumbled the evening you first crossed back into Mondstadt. You could've used any of the waypoints you’d resonated with, could’ve gone right back home to the cliff overlooking Falcon Coast. But something about that just didn’t feel right. Not for your first return.

Walking the path back toward Dawn Winery, you tried to keep your composure. You tried to not get irrationally emotional over the familiar sight of Anemo crystalflies fluttering over the grape vines. You ignored the warmth in your chest at the sight of soft yellow candlelight illuminating the cottage windows along your path.

Your weakening grip on your emotions completely failed though when you caught sight of a small, green-clad bard, legs dangling from the edge of a rooftop, plucking at his lyre.

You burst into tears on the spot, folding in on yourself and crumpling to the dirt beneath you.

He dropped the nonchalant act instantly, dematerializing from his perch on the rooftop and reappearing beside you in a small, warm burst of Anemo energy that you didn’t see through your tears, but definitely felt. He’d questioned you frantically, worried you were hurt, not understanding what was wrong. Eventually, largely thanks to his embrace, the sobs wracking your form eased enough to assure him that you were fine.

You’d just missed him, was all.

The array of conflicting emotions that flashed in his eyes at the admission would've intrigued you, had you not been so absorbed in your own at the time.

In spite of how badly you craved his company, you’d already proved to yourself that you could travel on your own. So, you continued to. After an extended stay in Mondstadt to recover from your first eventful excursion, you began traveling between the two nations more regularly. Having resonated with most of the waypoints and Statues of the Seven in Liyue as well, it was easy to hop over for the day and still come home to Venti at night.

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it, this brokenness inside me might start healing.

Such was your routine until Madam Ping had introduced you to her Teapots. Adeptal magic was quite the wonder, capable of impressive feats, and the new home offered to you was no exception. When you learned that not only could you live in it, but you could invite others in as well, you were over the moon. You were, of course, reluctant to bid a more permanent farewell to the little house overlooking the sea that you’d grown so familiar with. But when faced with something as convenient and extravagant as the teapot, you could hardly turn it down.

Venti had been more than interested in your offer when you brought the thing home and showed it to him. After bestowing a permanent invitation upon him, he took a liking to the space quite quickly, happy to help make yourselves a new home. Having already been informed of your penchant for Mondstadt, Tubby had crafted a world for you that resembled the land of freedom’s sprawling hills, cliffs, and beaches to an impressive degree. Your new home was far grander than your old one, but with a little time and personalization with what you both brought from the cottage, it really did start to feel like home.

It was… nice, having a safe place to return to every night, regardless of where you were or what you may be caught up in. It was even nicer that Venti seemed to quite enjoy spending time there as well. There’d scarcely been an evening where both of you hadn’t wound up in the teapot together, sharing stories of your respective days over dinner.

Things carried on like that for the remainder of your time in Liyue. You spent more and more time in the land of contracts, and less and less in Mondstadt as a result. Sometimes you’d have reason to return, and somehow you’d almost always run into Venti while you were there. Time spent with him in the teapot was no less real, but it always felt… special, when the two of you were together in Mondstadt again.

Out here, it's like I'm someone else, I thought that maybe I could find myself.

Still, just as it had been with Mondstadt, you couldn’t linger in Liyue forever. You’d built a reputation for yourself there to match your standing in Mondstadt, making a slew of new connections, exploring, finding answers and more questions alike. It was time to move on. Inazuma loomed far, far off on the southern horizon, and it was up to you to make the first step to reach it.

You didn’t want to.

You stood on the docks, looking out at Guyun Stone Forest, and at Beidou’s ship anchored nearby.

You found yourself feeling something you hadn’t felt in a long while. You felt the same as you had when standing atop the celestial nail, only this time it was somehow worse. It scared you. Yes, the prospect of setting off effectively alone to yet another unfamiliar nation, but more than that. It scared you because you thought you’d grown past this. You thought you could handle this. You thought… you thought you’d outgrown this immature sense of homesickness.

You were wrong.

If I could walk around, I swear I'll leave.

That’s how you found yourself here, ambling through the wilds of Mondstadt. You really, really don’t want to leave. But you know that you have to.

You think of the stories you’ve heard in Liyue, of the terrible war raging in the island nation to the south.

You release a shaky breath into the cooling air.

You pray that you’ll make it back alive.

Won't take nothin' but a memory, from the house that built me.

Following the cecilias as their trail grows thicker, you weave your way up to the peak of the massive cliff.

You’re only slightly surprised to see a small figure, dressed in a very familiar shade of green, sitting with their back to you at the very edge.

Tension you didn’t notice you were holding melts from your shoulders at the sight of him.

You do your best to push aside the emotional storm you’ve been caught up in, and you call out to him, playful. “Fancy seeing you here!”

He twists at the waist to face you, following your movement as you approach. “I could say the same, love. What brings you here?”

You laugh softly as you come to a halt beside him. “Well, I could ask the same of you.” You carefully lower yourself to the ground, letting your legs dangle off the cliff beside his. “Figured you’d either still be at the tavern, or were already home wondering where I was.”

You frown. “What didn’t feel right? Are you okay?”

“Oh, I’m fine, Windblume. I’m just fine.”

You aren’t convinced. “Then, uh… do you feel like sharing what isn’t fine?”

His gaze drops to the dark sea below. “I think you know what it is, actually.”

Cryptic as ever, you take a moment to ponder what he might mean. He takes the silence as an opportunity to elaborate. “I never really wonder where you are, you know?”

You glance at him, bemused for a moment before growing serious. “Oh, what, were you- like- watching me today? How… Wait, how long have you been up here, actually?”

He doesn’t look at you, but he shakes his head. “I don’t have to be watching you to know where you are, dear.” The wind tousles your hair. “I’m already everywhere. All the time. If the wind can reach you, I’m there.”

“...Oh. Right.” You let your own gaze fall to the sea. “Maybe I let myself forget sometimes, just how… literal that is.”

You remember the warm sea breeze from this afternoon, the brief gust that cooled your tear-stained cheeks early this evening, and the wind that brought the scent of cecilias down toward you.

“...So you could tell that I was here today.”

“Yeah.” He confirms quietly. “There was something… discordant, blowing in from Falcon Coast this afternoon. It didn’t take long for me to identify you.”

Guilt blooms within you. “Is that when you left the tavern?”

“No, I didn’t head out immediately. I mean- I can hardly turn off my omniscience, but I do still try to give you privacy in spite of it. I figured if you needed me, or… wanted me, you would call out.”

The way he says “wanted” makes your frown deepen.

“But, when the tone of the air only continued to sour as time passed, I did eventually give in to my concern.”

You pluck at the grass beneath you to busy your hands. “I’m sorry for distracting you. I really didn’t mean to, I just…”

He turns to you, cutting you off. “Please don’t say that. I couldn’t care less about losing out on a few mora at the tavern. I care about the fact that you’re out here, crying to yourself, all alone.”

A familiar tension makes itself at home again in your throat. “I…”

You trail off, lost for words. Venti makes up for it though, seeming to suddenly have quite a bit to get off of his own chest. “I can sense the difference between someone who wants to cry on their own, and someone who’s crying because they’re on their own.” His pained voice nearly cracks. “I never thought I’d feel the latter coming from you. But I’ve felt it more than once now, and… I don’t know what to do.”

At his confession, honesty slips out of you, and you can’t hold back the tears that come with it. “I miss you.” You turn to face him, and then look past, gesturing weakly out to the sprawling land of freedom behind you. “I miss this! I miss home! I miss you!” Voice breaking, you choke on your tears and lean into him, crumpling pathetically down onto his lap and curling yourself around him like the needy animal that you are.

His hands settle on you, one on your back and another reaching for your legs, pulling you against him so you don’t slip off the edge. His winds would cradle you if you fell, but he’d rather prevent the problem before it can happen. His own voice is tight with emotion when he speaks. “You have me, love. You- you hold me every night, I bid you goodbye every morning, you can visit Mondstadt whenever you please!”

You shake your head vehemently in his lap, crying harder.

“I’m sorry, love- I- I really don’t understand. In what way do you not have me?”

You practically shout your answer into the fabric of your sleeves, turning your head just enough to pointlessly attempt to wipe your face. “When I leave! I have to leave! I have to leave, and leave you behind, and you aren’t with me, and I’m alone again every time I go!”

One of his hands comes up to carefully comb the damp hair from your face, the black tips now wet with shimmering gold. “When you leave Mondstadt? Like… like when you go to Liyue?”

You nod, almost hyperventilating as your fears spill from you. “I should've never gone there alone! I wanted to ask you, I wanted you to come with me so badly but something told me that I shouldn't ask, that I should go alone, and so I went and I was so fucking scared but- but- but I was fine- I was fine- I made it back alive and so what if I cried every night because I missed you? I had a fucking nation to save it’s not like I could come home crying to you about it! And- and I mean Xiao was there but I- I- I can fight I can hold my own I don’t need protection I need a friend! I need company! I need you! I- I knew I’d be fine but fuck I felt so alone and I missed you, I missed you, I missed Venti, I missed Barbatos, I missed you SO MUCH-” You suddenly heave for air in the middle of your spiel, breathing in too hard and choking on your own spit. Feeling about as vulnerable and pathetic as you’ve ever been, you give in to the misery, grasping for purchase at any part of him you can reach. Your claws dig into the thin fabric of his tights in a way you know you’ll be frantically apologizing for later, but in this moment you can’t bring yourself to stop. You can't bring yourself to do anything but cry, and cry, and cry.

He doesn’t say anything for a few minutes, the only sound he makes instead being a quiet, gentle hush, over and over, focused on calming you down. The cool hand that finds its way beneath your hair and settles on the back of your hot neck feels like heaven, and for a moment you cry harder at the relief. His other hand pets across the broad expanse of your back in slow, rhythmic, sweeping motions.

When your cries have quieted enough for you to focus on his words, he says something that surprises you.

“I’d have gone, if you’d have asked me.”

You hiccup a question. “Wh-what?”

“To Liyue. I would have been more than happy to go with you, if you’d have only asked.” His lithe fingers gently massage at the tension in your neck.

You twist in his hold just enough to look up at him. “Seriously?”

He gives you a weak smile, but it’s more sad than anything. “Of course. The only reason I didn’t invite myself along was because I wanted you to have the freedom to choose. I figured… if I offered to go with you, you might feel obligated to bring me with you.”

You laugh, but there's no humor in it. “This whole time… this whole time I really thought that you didn’t want to go.”

He’s visibly pained by the thought. “Why in the world wouldn’t I?”

You shake your head. “I don’t know… I just figured you had your reasons. It is another nation after all, and I’m still… not too sure how Archons feel about crossing into one another’s territory.” You clear your throat and scrub at your eyes and cheeks with a fist. “Figured maybe you didn’t want to run into Morax or something…”

He laughs, and there’s a bit of life in it this time. “Even the prospect of running into that old block-head wouldn’t be enough to stop me from accompanying you.” He takes your hand in his, stopping your aggressive assault on your messy face. “And while certain Archons might be… less than enthralled to see me again, just because I’m with you doesn’t mean I have to be recognized.”

Your brow furrows. “Venti and Barbatos don’t look all that different…”

He smiles down at you good-naturedly. “True. But I could take another form if it came down to it. Something unrecognizable to even them. If there’s anything I know how to do, it’s how to hide in plain sight and not be found.”

In spite of the tears still staining your cheeks, you give a small smile to your absentee God. “You’d really go to such lengths? For me?”

He gives you a confident nod. “For you and you only, love.”

His hand continues its gentle ministrations across your back, and your muscles gradually relax. You run a hand along the fabric of his tights, waiting for your breaths to come steady. As your senses slowly return to you, your fingertips brush across a few small tears in the material, and you cringe. Venti notices as much, and reassures you. “Hey- It’s alright. Don’t worry about that.”

His words are too late to stop you from raising your head enough to observe the damage, your hand gently cupping his thigh. “I didn’t scratch you… did I?”

“Nope! Just caught the fabric is all.” You aren’t inclined to believe him, given that with his abilities he could’ve healed any minor wounds before you even knew they were there.

You huff, dropping your head to his lap once more. “I’m still very sorry. I’ll buy you-”

“That won’t be necessary-” He tries to cut you off, but your insistence overpowers his own.

“I am buying you a new pair.”

He sighs in reluctant acceptance, knowing better than to challenge you. “Alright, alright. If you insist.”

You lay there for a moment, idly kneading at his thigh and letting the soft sounds of the evening wildlife fill the silence. Still, you struggle to wrap your head around the recent revelation. “You’d really be willing to leave this place?”

He laughs beneath his breath at your disbelief. “I mean, not permanently. If you’ve hatched some plan to move to Snezhnaya that I don’t know about, then I might have to disappoint you…”

You relax further at the familiar, playful edge that returns to his voice. “Nah, nah, nothing like that… just- on my journey away and back. Not- not even every time! Just… sometimes. It… really would’ve been nice to have you by my side the first time, actually, but I know it’s too late for that now. I just… wouldn't have felt so lost.”

His smile fades a bit at the confirmation of a long-held suspicion. You had been missing him as badly as he’d missed you.

You catch the shift in his demeanor, no matter how slight. “...I’m making you sad…”

One of his hands finds yours. “Only at the realization of how oblivious I’ve been.” He laughs, humorless. “All those nights I couldn’t sense you in the wind, all the time I spent wondering if you were okay… you weren’t. You were holed up somewhere, crying, alone, afraid…”

His eyes pinch closed and you squeeze his hand. “It’s not on you. I should’ve been more honest with you before I left.”

He huffs, and then he’s quiet for a moment, thinking. It’s times like these in which you wish you could read him as well as he can read you. “...I could say the same.”

You stare up at him for a moment in confusion. “What do you mean?”

He holds your gaze for a moment and opens his mouth to speak, but seems to think better of whatever he had to say. His focus shifts from you and out to the sea. “...Like I said, I would’ve been happy to follow you. I never should’ve let you grow to believe otherwise.”

You pout just slightly at the less-than-complete sounding answer, but another question overrides your focus. “Is Liyue… the limit?”

The hesitation in your voice gives him pause. “What do you mean?”

“Is Liyue, like, as far as you’re willing to go.”

His eyes brighten in understanding, and you’d collapse from relief at the shake of his head if you weren’t already on the ground.

“Oh! No, not at all. I really meant it when I said I’d risk running into the other Archons for you.”

You release his hand and reach up to pinch the fat of your cheeks between your claws. He pouts, reaching down to stop you. “What’s that for?”

“I’m afraid I’m dreaming or something…”

He laughs properly, a beautiful sound. You crane your neck up to glance southward. The wall of storms barricading Inazuma are still there, an awful sight. You drop your head back to his lap with a heavy sigh.

He pats you gently on the cheek. “You’re wide awake, I assure you.”

Reaching up, you gently bat at the braids that hang at the sides of his face, chewing on your lower lip. He reads you like a book. “I think we’ve learned something this evening, dear.”

“What’s that?”

He catches your hand mid-air, splaying his fingers out and lacing them between yours. “It’s that when we have something to ask of one another, we should do it.”

The corner of your mouth turns up, and you meet his gaze. “Is that your fancy way of telling me to spit it out?”

He giggles. “Maybe.”

You sigh, letting your gaze drift away from him and up to the stars far, far above. “Would you be so kind… as to accompany this scared old dog all the way to Inazuma?”

You close your eyes, waiting for a “no.”

It never comes. Instead, he squeezes your hand in his, and you’re shocked to hear relief in his tone when he answers you. “I thought you’d never ask.”

Your eyes flicker open, unsure. “Is… is that a yes?”

He nods vehemently. “It is.”

The tears that spring to your eyes catch you by surprise. He wipes them away with his thumb as they fall. Sniffling, you question him again. “There’s- There’s a whole war going on over there right now, you know?”

The blue in his braids brightens, and in the dark of the early night, you notice the same turquoise light begin to shine from his chest, beneath the thin fabric of his white shirt. “I’m no stranger to war.”

You reach up, tracing a gentle finger across where you know one of his Archon marks to be. “...That you aren’t.”

His thumb swipes across the black star at the base of your neck, half hidden by your collar. “...Guess that makes two of us, huh.”

It’s a rhetorical question, but you hum in confirmation nonetheless. Rising from your spot on his lap, you wiggle your way around until you’re seated beside him properly again. Reaching an arm out, you wrap it around his shoulders, and he leans into you. Both of you stare out across the sea, watching the lightning flash in the storm to the south.

“I don’t even know what I’m gonna be able to do to help.” You sigh. “But I know I have to go.”

One of his hands finds yours again. “Whatever may come, I consider it an honor to fight alongside you.”

You bark a laugh, shaking your head at the notion. “Hey now, I just asked you to come with me, I never said anything about putting you in the line of fire.”

He smiles. “I know, I know, but still… if it comes down to it-”

“If it comes down to that, I’m hauling you over my shoulder and taking us both home.” You cut him off in a no-nonsense tone.

Your seriousness doesn’t cause his mirth to falter. “I fear I’m gonna be the one dragging you home if we run into Signora while we’re there.”

A low growl reverberates from your chest at the mere mention of her. “We’ve still got a score to settle.”

He pats you on the thigh placatingly, humor in his words. “Darling, how many times must I reassure you? I let her take it from me.”

“Still, she didn’t have to be so fucking rough about it. I’m not after the gnosis. She made this personal.” You snarl.

His soft laughter subsides as he shakes his head, but he doesn’t argue.

The two of you watch the lightning show for a short while, before you grow tired of the dreadful sight and opt to focus on something better. Unwrapping your arm from the God at your side, you stifle a laugh as he voices his sudden startled displeasure. You apologize as you reposition yourselves, moving away from the edge a bit and turning the both of you around. “Sorry about that, didn’t realize you’d almost fallen asleep on me.”

He pouts. “Can you blame me? You’re warm, and it’s been a stressful day… and speaking of-”

You nod. “I know. We should be getting home soon. But- look.” You point at the beautiful sight of Mondstadt City, lit up for the night, a beacon of hope and freedom standing strong in the distance. “Isn’t that a sight worth sticking around a little longer for?”

He sighs in content as you pull him against you once more. You can’t feel the swell of pride in his chest at the sight, but you can hear it in his voice. “It sure is.”

Lifting his hat from his head and placing it in his lap, you comb your fingers through his hair, finding your own satisfaction in the way he melts against you. The two of you admire the city for a long few minutes, and a thought occurs. “As much as I want you beside me… I feel bad taking you from your people.”

He shakes his head and the motion tickles as his hair brushes against your chin. “They don’t need me, love. At least, not in the day-to-day sense.” He huffs. “Honestly, I think the most prominent place that my presence will be missed is the tavern, and that’s of little consequence in the grand scheme.”

You know he’s right, but the guilt still nags at you. “I guess…”

He leans away just enough to turn and look you in the eye. “You are one of my people too, you know?”

You hold his gaze, considering it. Have you really been here long enough, or made a big enough impact on the region to be bestowed with such an honorary title? “...I suppose I do.”

He reaches up and cups your cheek, eyes pleading. “Then let me be there for you.”

You breathe a sigh of acceptance. “...Okay.” You turn your head and plant a quick kiss against his palm before he can pull away.

He lets his hand drop, but doesn’t turn away. “I’m really sorry that you’ve been carrying all of this pain with you for so long. I should have questioned you on it sooner.”

You pick his hand up from his lap, taking it in yours. “It’s not your fault. At least, certainly not anymore than it is mine. I should've just asked you to come, the worst thing you could’ve said was no.”

“I still hate that you even thought I might’ve said no. I… should have made my willingness clearer.”

“Nah, I mean, after a year of following me around Mondstadt I think you were quite clear. I’m just… dense.” You summon a few tiny Geo shards in your palm before allowing them to crumble into a shimmering pile of dust. “Comes with the territory, I suppose.”

Venti scoffs. “Well if you’re dense, then I’m diffuse.” A tiny gust of Anemo swoops in and lifts the dust from your outstretched palm, scattering it to the wind.

You watch your two energies mix and dissolve into the night air. “I guess they do say that opposites attract.”

He hums. “That they do, love.”

You expect him to turn back toward the city, and he almost does, but then he hesitates, and calls you by name. “I want you to remember something.”

Your interest piques, brows raising above tired, lidded eyes. “And what’s that?”

His tone is serious. “You are not alone. Ever. Not if you don’t want to be. I don’t want you hesitating to call on me ever again. If you need me, if you want me, I’m there. No exceptions.” Maybe it’s the day’s exhaustion catching up with you, but the light in his eyes feels like a beacon, guiding you home. “You don’t ever have to be alone again. Remember this, please.”

Something warm blooms in your chest, and it’s in this moment that you realize the knot in your stomach has loosened. It isn’t gone, but it’s hardly noticeable anymore, and you finally breathe easy. You hold his gaze for a moment before nodding, serious. “I will.”

He brings his hand up, holding his pinky out toward you. “Promise?”

You smile, reaching out and wrapping yours around his. “Promise.”

He exhales, satisfied. “You wanna stay out here a bit longer?”

You open your arms in invitation. “I’d love to.”

Shuffling around once more, you help situate him between your legs, pulling him back against your chest.

“Alright, but don’t hold it against me if I fall asleep out here. You make for quite the comfortable bed, you know.”

You smile, nuzzling into his hair and breathing him in. The heavy scent of fermentation he once carried is now nothing but a faint whisper. “I won’t mind.” Lifting your gaze from the distant city lights, you quietly admire the stars above. “Not at all.”

A/N: Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed! You can find my commentary on this fic in the notes right here on Ao3. For more info on my OC Saoirse (aka this fic's "Reader"), along with links to various relevant playlists and moodboards, you can find it all here, in the notes of my fic series "This Is Unconditional." This is fic 4 of 16 that I'm doing based on combining prompts from this list! [Day 6 (Singing) & Day 21 (Memory)] Header Image Source: Me, for once! It's an in-game screenshot that I took myself.

#venti #venti x reader #genshin impact #genshin #genshin x reader #genshin impact x reader #genshin impact venti #genshin venti #barbatos #genshin fanfic #attempt number 2 at posting this.. now with fewer tags incase that was the problem last time #i did Not spend the last 6 nights editing it and meticulously preparing the drafts on here and Ao3 for it to not be seen #i have no clue what made it not show up in the tags but i'm gonna try this and if it wasn't that (or just a random incident)#then i'll split it in half and post in in two parts. maybe 11k is overwhelming for Tumblr's system or smthn idk man #i feel like the 'Venti is an adult' mention is unnecessary but i slapped it up there anyways for all of you Short = Minor buffoons 🙄#i. actually can’t think of much else to ramble abt in the tags bc like. i already did that on Ao3 😭 and linked all the playlists and stuff #i’m not just trying to push my Ao3 acct on ppl when i always link to it in the end notes it’s just that i draft my fics up over there first #so by the time i’m drafting them here on Tumblr i’ve simply run out of yap

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i-am-the-oyster · 8 months

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Hi there, I also have a quick question about this post (Paul's guilt about hurting John, possibly evidenced in song notes during the making of RAM, and its source—that he left John, despite having promised not to).

Are you saying Paul felt guilty towards John, and knew why, during the making of RAM? And, if so, how would you square this with Paul's notorious 'grief rant' phonecall with Hunter Davies shortly after John's death, where Paul appears not only upset by the idea that he hurt John, but also unaware of what he could have done to cause this hurt?

"But what had really got Paul upset that day was an interview with Yoko in which Yoko was quoted as saying that Paul had hurt John more than any other person. Paul thought they were amongst the cruelest words he ever read." (Hunter Davies grief rant fun)

Was Paul bullshitting Hunter? (Go, Paul)

Was Paul being defensive and angry b/c Yoko blamed him for hurting John in public?

Was Paul not surprised to hear he'd hurt John (after all, they hurt each other often), but struck by the 'more than any other person' part?

I don't mean to say you're right or wrong. I'm just curious to hear you elaborate on this. Meaning, your take on Paul's guilt, and how accessible it was to him consciously. I've long been thinking about him hearing this claim, 'you hurt him more than anyone else', and how different that would have landed, depending on how aware/guilty he felt.

(Whether Paul was right to feel guilty or not is a completely different matter, and doesn't play a role on my question.)

Thank you for the wonderful meaty (sorry Paul!) ask!

I think Paul *did* feel guilty at the time, but I wouldn't exactly say Paul was bullshitting Hunter. The thing that always jumps out at me from that transcript is where Paul says:

There's only one incident I can think of that John has mentioned publicly.

(emphasis mine)

Isn't that an interesting distinction in the context? It makes me think that there were deeply private things that they each did to the other but Paul feels certain that those things would never end up the subject of public discussion.

I don't buy the image of Paul as lacking self-awareness or self-reflection. BUT he is extremely good at re-framing things in a positive way "so many times I had to change the pain to laughter" AND he is a very contrary person. He seems to often instinctively push against whatever narrative the person opposite him is proposing, especially where the topic needs some nuance. (eg the one time he approaches the topic of Jim's violence is in response to Stern pushing Paul's own "idyllic childhood" bit).

So back to the version of their story that had in mind when I made my original post. (Which I'm not married to, but seems like a plausible scenario worth exploring). Paul and John are in a codependent relationship, John has clearly expressed his terror that Paul might leave (as he did with Cyn). John's behaviour has become erratic and (at least borderline) abusive. Paul knows that if he lets go John will "take a tumble", but he's exhausted and Linda is teaching him to take his own desires and needs into account in a much healthier way. (Not to suggest Paul was never selfish in the 60s lol, but he wasn't practicing actual self-care).

John is spiraling, and pushing Paul away in that heartbreaking pattern I call "see I knew you were going to leave". (I'm sure there must be a name for it in psychology). Linda doesn't yet realise the depth of feeling she's dealing with. Paul knows how terrified John is, he's promised he won't be like the others, he won't leave. But he can't do it any more. John finally convinces him that he actually wants him to leave, he bawls his eyes out in front of Mal, and he disappears to Scotland.

I think he would be absolutely wracked with guilt.

And then I think as part of his recovery from that depression he would reassure himself that he did need to leave, that it was the right choice, that he and John could continue to care about one another deeply and move on.

I think Yoko's statement was unnecessarily cruel hurt him, and triggered that contrary response. What's she even talking about? What did I do? The worst ever?!

Thanks again!

#that got tangenty #i hope you like text :)#crepe ask #paul's guilt #the breakup

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strawberrystepmom · 1 year

Text

pairing: vampire!natsuo todoroki x f!reader

word count: 3.5k

about: natsuo is handsome, well dressed, charming, and everything you’ve ever wanted but something tells you there’s more to him than meets the eye - given you can only see him after the sun sets.

contents: sfw, no smut here but suggestive behavior in the final scene. modern au, the todoroki family are vampires, natsuo is mid twenties and so is reader, a scene containing touya, fuyumi, and shoto, meet cute, reader struggles to sleep at night, mentions of blood. i will be further elaborating on this dynamic/au in the future!

notes: part of thot-o-ween 2023! welcome to week three! this is just good ol fashioned halloween romcom nonsense you'd come to expect from me. natsuo was the pinkprint and deserves his time in the sun so this is the first of TWO stories about him. the next will have smut, pinkie swear, but in the meantime hopefully this is something everyone can enjoy! thank you for reading ♡

Natsuo Todoroki, at his core, is a morning person.

How is one a vampire and a morning person? The two ideas seem contradictory but it’s just who he is, unable to be changed no matter how much time passes.

As a child, he would solemnly park himself at window sills and wrap himself up in the complicated and lacy curtains his mother dressed them in to keep light from getting inside. Waking with the sweet song of the birds outside his own heavy curtained windows, he’d watch the orange ball rise higher and higher into the sea of blue that it would come to rest in, only to be pulled away by his older siblings or his mother tutting at him for messing with the curtains again.

He wondered what it would be like to be the sun. Bright and blazing, warming everyone around him without effort. It’s just what the sun naturally does.

Now, as an adult, he shoves his hands in the pockets of his scrubs after his shift in the emergency department ends and wonders what it must be like to be the sun as he wanders out onto the streets, zipping his jacket up over his chest and sinking into the warmth. It’s cold and wet in a way that is typical of an October night, the sliver of the moon sinking lower and lower as the sun begins to make her ascent to start the day.

He works his overnight shift for obvious reasons.

Dr. Todoroki’s reputation as affable and easy to work with is something the entire shift celebrates when he’s scheduled. He is well liked but nobody bothers to ask him to stick around once the shift is over because he’ll turn down the offers anyway.

There’s nothing more that he enjoys than his walks before dawn. It’s the only time he can even get this close to daylight, to feel the world heat up while he remains cold.

Tonight, though, he isn’t alone on his walk and he’s all too acutely aware of where you walk several feet away from him on the adjacent sidewalk. He smells you long before he sees you, one of his fangs that keeps retracted at all times jutting out of his jaw and slicing his lip, and after verifying he isn’t bleeding he decides to keep a respectable distance despite his concern for your well being.

Why in the world are you out walking the city sidewalks by yourself at 3:58 AM?

You notice him, tall and broad and wearing green scrubs that obviously indicate he just got done working at the hospital, but you keep your distance. Walking the city is a choice you make well aware of the danger that could befall you but you also live by the “don’t start any and there won’t be any” mantra when it comes to trouble. So far it has served you well but it isn’t like you’ve ventured far from where you live, only around 6 blocks away from your tiny interior apartment.

You struggle to sleep at night, trying every remedy under the sun but it never comes, so you walk until you can’t think any longer. You pace until you stumble into your home after the sun rises, almost too exhausted to move and then finally you are tired enough to sleep.

Looking around the sidewalk, you splash in a puddle and hear a chuckle from the sidewalk across from you. Natsuo stands, hands still buried in his pocket, glancing at you from the corner of his eye and curiosity gets the better of you so you turn in his direction with your arms folded across your chest.

“What’s so funny?” Your tone is light hearted and he catches onto it immediately, gray eyes casting you more than a sidelong glance. The distance between the two of you keeps him from getting too good of a look at you but he likes what he can see.

Natsuo finds you undeniably attractive, there’s something sweet about you besides your scent, and it makes him even more anxious to know you’re pacing all alone. The area around the hospital tends to be pretty safe but he worries what would happen if you went further down the road, where the amount of street lights grows fewer the further you go into the residential areas. So he bites, simply in an effort to make sure that you’re alright and will be okay after he departs.

“You, I guess.”

You laugh and he feels a thousand sunrises in his chest. Whatever he witnessed through curtains, whatever he has seen rising above the horizon like a beautiful balloon in the sky will never compare to this. He isn’t sure how to act so he slaps his hands against his thighs, shrugging and offering his signature Dr. Todoroki grin, toothsome and bright.

“I’ll be here all week.”

There’s an undeniable pull between you and this man but you stop just short of walking across the street. He seems safe and trustworthy, a good haircut and a killer smile but all of those traits were also attributed to Ted Bundy at one point or another so you decide to play it safe and stay in your place across from him, arms folded over your chest to ward off the chill in the air.

He watches your body language change and tries to match it the best that he can, keeping his hands buried in his pockets and his chin tucked into the collar of his jacket. Making you anxious is the last thing he wants and he won’t prod if you aren’t interested but his gut tells him to take a chance, to break the silence and see where it gets him.

So he does.

“Seriously though, why are you out here at this time of night?”

Shrugging, you squeeze yourself where your arms are wrapped over your torso. It’s a soothing action, the equivalent of a hug. You feel better after it.

“Do you want the long story or the short one?”

“Whichever you’re most comfortable sharing.”

He chuckles again and you focus on his face, deep dimples visible even from several feet away and your heart beats hard against your chest. He’s handsome, he’s funny, he’s obviously employed…you shake your head to loosen this line of thinking, still holding yourself tightly when he takes the steps toward you to close the gap. You hop back from the edge of the sidewalk slightly, keeping a bit of distance between the two of you, and Natsuo feels that ache in his upper jaw that indicates his teeth are going to descend.

He takes ten steps to the side of you, leaving ample room between your bodies, and the ache stops enough that he can focus on what you’re about to say. You appreciate how respectful he is of your space although you have no idea his reasons aren’t wholly altruistic and it softens you toward the man further.

“I have never really slept well at night,” you start and he hums empathetically. He understands more than you could begin to know. “Even when I was a kid, it’s like sleep terrified me. Closing my eyes and not thinking and just being for a while. What could be more terrifying than not overthinking all night?”

“I get it. I have the same problem, that’s why I’m on overnights.”

You nod, smiling at him.

"Good to know there's someone else that doesn't have good luck with melatonin gummies."

A kindred spirit. Perhaps that's why you still feel so drawn to him despite the ten big steps between your bodies and you relax for the first time since he laughed at you, taking the time to really look at him now that he's so close.

He's just as handsome as you imagined when your mind was filling in blanks from across the street, hair as white as snow, tanned complexion, gray eyes. It's intimidating to see a man who looks like he belongs in the pages of a magazine face to face, much less one who is obviously flirting with you and you shift your weight from foot to foot.

Noticing your discomfort, he decides to introduce himself.

"I'm Natsuo. I'm a doctor." He cringes at himself upon realizing what he just said but you smile, arms still folded but posture slackening. "I don't know why I felt the need to tell you that."

You introduce yourself and he takes the time to memorize your name, repeating it and savoring the feeling of it across his tongue. A name as pretty as the person carrying it.

"It's okay, at least I know that you aren't some creep that stole a pair of scrubs off of the dude you just beat down for them. Unless..."

Natsuo laughs and heat rushes to your cheeks.

"Nah, I'm more of a lover than a fighter. My fatal flaw some might say."

You laugh and that same feeling blooms within him, rivaling the sun that is steadily beginning to rise over the buildings in the distance. He sighs when he sees it, removing his hand from his pocket and rubbing it over his face.

"I don't want to be weird or anything but I do this every night and..." he trails off, uncertain of what he wants to ask you, but you seem to get the message.

"I do, too. Same place and same time?"

Smiling, he nods and begins to walk in the direction opposite you toward where his car is parked at the hospital. He has to get home before the sun rises and he'll be cutting it close if he continues to slow play his departure but it's worth it for another second spent around you.

"Thanks for tonight. I needed it," you admit aloud and his ears turn red in response, bright and vivid through the snowy white hair barely covering them.

"I'll see you tomorrow."

“Where do you think you’re off to lookin’ so pretty?”

Natsuo rolls his eyes as he readjusts the buttons of the long sleeved shirt he donned just for the occasion of the evening while his brother reaches up and attempts to ruffle his meticulously spiked hair. It isn’t hard work for him to dodge his shorter brother but he shoves him with his shoulder anyway, frowning.

“Stop it, Touya. I’m not going anywhere you need to know about.”

The thing about saying those words in reference to you, feeling them leave his lips in shapes he would rather not experience, is that they make his stomach flip. Anxiety turns the organ inside out, the man sighing through an army of uneasy butterflies in his stomach. He knows he can’t tell anyone about you, least of all his family. They have their own secrets but they’ve always strictly forbidden the taboo romance between a vampire and a human knowing it only ends in pain.

He’ll risk the trouble for you, though.

You - sweet, easy going, beautiful. Glowing with life beneath the dimly lit booths you snuggle in to press your knees against his long after the sun has set. Grinning as you grab his hand beneath the surface of the bar four blocks away from your apartment and two away from the hospital, the floors sticky with substances neither of you have cared to imagine.

It has been months since that fateful first dawn walk, the two of you making a habit out of striding side by side. Natsuo ignores the ache in his jaw, you ignore the way he hasn't asked you for anything physical yet beyond holding hands, assuming he's just a little old fashioned.

“I’m starting to think you have a secret, little brother.”

He's keeping secrets from more than just Touya; the guilt gnaws at him if he thinks about it too long so he doesn't.

Natsuo shakes his head and raises his brows, a smirk playing across his lips. He happens to know where his own brother goes after the sun sets, eagerly bringing books and paintings to the home of the vampire that has been alleged to have started their family curse by biting Enji, their father; a woman perpetually 26 despite the many many centuries that have passed since her turn.

“No worse than the one you’re keeping, I can assure you that.”

With that, Touya clears his throat and takes his space, fiddling with the strings of his sweatpants rather than making eye contact with his brother. Caught red handed and he knows it, he chooses to play offense rather than explain himself.

“You know about that?”

His younger brother smiles and claps him on the back with a nod.

“Keep mine and I’ll keep yours?”

“Obviously, dumbass.”

Taking a deep breath, Natsuo rolls his shoulders and lifts his hands to his hair, fingers running through it to calm him down. He yanks at the strands for a moment, thick fingers twining between the white strands, and Touya wonders what has him so uncertain.

It’s not like he’s dating a human.

“I’m seeing someone and we have a date tonight.”

Oh, he’s dating a human.

“Jesus, Natsu,” Touya’s brows pinch together in the middle and he wraps an arm around his brothers’ shoulder, pulling him to his side. “You’re such a simp.”

Scoffing, the taller of the two looks down at his brother and frowns. He’s never truly astounded by Touya’s audacity but it does catch him off guard considering the only bigger rule you can break than consorting with a human in the Todoroki household is the one he’s currently attempting to bend.

“Who taught you that word? Your thousand year old girlfriend?” Touya returns his scoff, shoving him with the arm that isn’t wrapped around his shoulder and raising his voice. “She isn’t a thousand fuckin-”

Before he can finish the sentence, Fuyumi peaks around the corner and arches her brow wordlessly. Neither of the men can hide anything from their older sister so they don't bother, scooting over to let her into Natsuo's walk in closet just like they used to do as children when they were discussing the events of the world.

"So you're both breaking the big two?"

Natsuo sighs and nods sadly but Touya chuckles, clapping his sister on the shoulder just as he did his brother. That's one thing the siblings have always appreciated about one another - everyone is equal. Equal to give shit to, equal to protect, even Shouto who they all go to pains to take care of even more than the older siblings do one another.

"Please don't tell dad," Natsuo isn't above begging if it means he gets to keep you. He looks up at his sister through his lashes and she smiles back at him. "Of course, Natsu. We're all breaking some rule at the end of the day."

Both of her brothers raise their eyebrows and she shrugs, zipping her lips dramatically while the youngest of the four peeks around the corner with a deadpan glance.

"What are you guys doing in here?"

They look at his mismatched eyes and bunch together, making enough room for the fourth of them to squeeze inside.

"Natsuo's dating a human."

Fuyumi and Natsuo open their mouth to gasp and Shouto shakes his head. How his elder siblings haven't noticed at this point is beyond him, given Natsuo narrowly stumbles in the door as the sun rises every single morning, but the youngest has always been the most astute of the bunch.

"Yeah, obviously. He reeks of her every time he comes home."

Despite the terror of being caught, Natsuo belly laughs. There's nobody else he could be shoved in a closet with, admitting to lying to their parents and breaking the codes of honor the entire family have taken seriously as long as they've existed.

They all have secrets, Fuyumi was right. He is relieved and he feels full of love, group hugging his siblings and squeezing them as tightly as he can until all three start to groan and slap at his biceps.

"Okay well now that the cat is out of the bag can you guys leave me alone? I'm already running late."

Fuyumi and Shouto are the easy sells, wishing him luck and leaving to go gossip across the house but Touya sticks around, looking at his little brother that has become a full grown man with his own life and career and apparently, love.

He's proud but he'll never say it out loud instead choosing to further antagonize.

"Does she know?"

Natsuo shakes his head and Touya hisses through his teeth, clapping his brother on the shoulder and walking out of the closet.

"Good luck with that."

He knows that he'll need it.

"Do you want to come inside?"

This is the first time you've offered the option to Natsuo, his discomfort with any physical affection keeping you from broaching the subject this far, but the time feels right. The two of you spent the evening at an outdoor art show, admiring pottery and painting with your hands joined.

You are undeniably attracted to this man and you hope that you aren't misreading his affection toward you as more than simple friendliness, your evenings spent with him some of the best you've had since you can remember. Your hands remain linked, fingers twined and dangling in the small space between your bodies where you both lean against the frame of your front door.

Natsuo smiles down at you and it feels like the world disappears, walls and floors and atmosphere melting into something that doesn't matter when he looks at you. You've known it for awhile but there's no denying it - you're in love with him and asking him to spend the night, or morning rather, feels like the most logical next step.

His hesitation makes you doubt yourself, though.

"You don't have to, Natsuo. I know you're busy an-" he cuts you off by grasping your cheek with his free hand, thumb running along the soft skin beneath it. He has never been this close to you before, his teeth aching despite his self restraint, and he knows that tonight he must decide to be honest or leave you behind.

The thought of leaving you behind breaks his heart. You are the sun that he has so badly craved his entire life and there's no way he can continue without you, even if it means telling the truth and putting you both in the way of trouble in the process.

"I want to."

Smiling, you reach for the door and unlock it, keying in the code that you know he watches. You hope he has it memorized, if not you'll remind him again later. The lock unlatches, a mechanical whirring in the door, and as soon as the door opens he has you pulled against his body.

Pressed against the door, he finally kisses you. It's hungry, something raw and fiery beneath his exterior coming to the surface and you know that you'd let him have every bit of you right here on the floor if he wanted it. The scent of his cologne and the feel of his hands across your sweater clad body make you moan into his mouth and you yelp when something pokes your lip, assuming he nipped you a little harder than intended.

Mortified, Natsuo backs away from you with wide eyes and you see his tooth poking out of his top lip. The tip of it is dotted with blood from your lip and he backs away from you unable to hide his horror.

"I'm so sorry, I..." he mumbles a string of apologies and you put your hands on his chest to stop him, close enough to him that his body reacts naturally and his second fang descends through his jaw and peeks out of his top lip to join the first.

Your wide eyes gaze at him but hold no fear and he marvels at you. You are so trusting, so brave, so kind despite now knowing he's a...

"Vampire."

It takes all of you to contain the smile on your face from becoming too big when the word leaves your lips. You had an inkling something was different about him but you never assumed it would be this.

Dr. Natsuo Todoroki, your walking buddy, your companion, is a vampire.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner."

Using the grip you have on his chest, you pull him down until he's face level with you. The same smile dances across your face and you waste no time kissing him for real this time, paying no mind to the way he whimpers when his tongue laves over the small puncture wounds his teeth have left on your bottom lip. You let him lick over the spots until he gets his fill, head swimming and heart full.

"Yeah, me too, because I would have done all of this months ago."

Natsuo laughs, kissing you again. His brows knit together when he laps at another pinprick of blood on your lips, another sweet groan leaving him.

You taste as good as you smell and his instincts tell him that you've just given him a tiny taste of all you're willing to offer.

#natsuo todoroki x reader #todoroki natsuo x reader #kendall writes #thot-o-ween 2023

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storiesofleftoverghosts · 1 year

Text

dating the batboys... and their Taylor Swift songs | (1.5/2)

pairings: Jason Todd x GN!Reader

warnings: angst, mention of death, arguing

requested?: kind of! @igotanidea asked to be tagged for a part for Jason so here you go!

a/n: THANK YALL SO MUCH FOR THE LOVE ON THE FIRST PART!! it truly means a lot to me! I’m also sorry it took SO long, I’ve been testing. I decided to split this into parts just so I could get something out for y’all. It also is a bit longer than others so I hope y’all like it!

its so hard only choosing two songs but if I didn’t this post would be going on foreverrrrr.

Jason Todd

i'd like to establish this by saying Jason Todd is NOT the angry Robin

but like with all of the boys, he is traumatized

like extremely traumatized

if he was to get with you, he'd have to know you for a long time

even then it's iffy

he has a lot of trust issues

and abandonment issues

issues in general

if he knew you before his death, I feel like you’d have a higher chance of him trusting you

(the angst potential here…)

but don't get me wrong

he’s the type who once he loves someone, he loves them with every ounce of fiber he has in his body

I’d like to think of him as a secret hopeless romantic

just has a hard time showing it

he would be the type of boyfriend to tease you about you wanting something badly and then go behind your back and buy it for you

this man would die (again) for you

you ask him to jump and he’ll say how high

in the beginning he would be anxious about doing mundane things with you (not that he would ever admit)

but once he gets used to it, it’s his favorite thing

do not fold laundry with this man because he’ll definitely make into a war and start throwing clothes at you

favorite pass time would be to cook with you

YES I HEADCANON HES A GOOD COOK SHUT UP

being lazy on the couch together, reading books and enjoying each others presence

as much as Jason loves touch, I feel like he would love spending quality time with you more

especially given his busy life style with being Red Hood

would keep you away from that life

he’s like Bruce in that aspect and will not risk getting you involved

especially because being Red Hood is more dangerous and he has a LOOOT of enemies

encouraging him to open up about his emotions

he’s better than Bruce about talking about his feelings, but he still has issues with it

comforting him through nightmares

also comforting him through panic attacks and whatnot

understanding his complicated relationship with his family and trying not push him about it

still developing some what of a relationship with his brothers

if you knew him before his death, definitely having that fear of losing him again

you never recovered from the loss of him and even to this day, it haunts you

having arguments about it because Jason insists he’s careful and you won’t lose him

having arguments in general because he struggles with trusting people and is paranoid

those arguments do not last long because as much as he is stubborn

he doesn’t want to lose you

longest it will last is a couple of days

staying up late waiting for him to get home

LATE NIGHT CUDDLES

I would also like to argue that Jason lives for playful wrestling

he loves making you smile as it’s his favorite feature on you

late night motorcycle rides

he is such a mother hen when it comes to you

“did you eat today? have you had any water? what time did you go to bed?” “okay mom,”

teaching you how to use specific weapons and self defense because duh, it’s Gotham (part two)

at the end of the day, Jason Todd is a traumatized man trying to love you the best he can.

Me being me, I’m going to have to say Afterglow (from Lover) would be my number one choice for Jason. It actually inspired me to even start this! I think Treacherous (from Red (Taylor’s Version)) would be so Jason too.

Bonus: Sparks Fly (from Speak Now (Taylor’s Version)) is also a very Jason Todd song. No I will not elaborate.

“Tell me that you're still mine

Tell me that we'll be just fine

Even when I lose my mind

I need to say

Tell me that it's not my fault

Tell me that I'm all you want

Even when I break your heart”

It didn’t take a genius to realize Jason Todd had messed up. He knew it as soon as the words that had tasted like poison left his mouth. All of the melting hot rage he had felt reached it’s boiling point, and it finally blew up.

“What do you know, you don’t even have a family!”

It seemed to echo throughout your shared apartment. The deafening silence that slowly poured in after made him feel incredibly nauseous. Your face slowly contorted from one of shock to one of a statue. Stoic and cold. The only sound to be heard was the incessant rain pounding against the windows.

You had slowly made your way over to the couch. For fifteen minutes you sat on the soft leather couch. Fifteen fucking agonizing minutes of nothing but Jason trying to somehow make it right. He apologized many times. He tried comforting you. But you just sat there, eyes closed and ignoring everything he had done. His side of the couch seemed to grow heavier and heavier with every attempt.

It made him feel like a child again. When his mother would get upset with him, she would give him the silent treatment. It would go on for days on end, and he would beg and apologize for forgiveness.

He never told you that though.

What you guys were arguing about seemed so small now. Jason was always one to blow things out of proportion. At one point in time, it had been about you going out with Dick and Tim for the third day in a row. He was a bit envious of your relationship with the aforementioned. He just didn’t know if it was Dick and Tim he was jealous of or you.

Instead of trying to talk to you about staying home and spending time with him or hell, even inviting him out with you, he took out his irritation you. It had been a long day, and this had been the cherry on top. He made a snarky comment to try and start a fight. Unfortunately, you were one to try to talk it out. It only added fuel to the fire. It escalated to the current situation. He hadn’t meant for it to end up like this.

Why’d he have to break what he loved so much?

Finally, you made a noise. You took a deep breath in and bore into his eyes. Tears were threatening to spill from them any second. It felt he had been burned, and he had no one to blame but himself.

“Before you say anything, I am incredibly sorry. It was all just me in my head. I should have never said those things, and I don’t want to lose you over this. Please, please, please let me make it up to you.” He has never sounded so desperate before. But then again, he’s never cut you this deep. Your eyes had travelled down away from him. The lump in your throat was hard to swallow.

“Jason. You’re not going to lose me over this. You’re still all I want,” The tears had started to roll down your cheeks by now. Seeing you cry made his heart crush, and he couldn’t stop himself from scooting closer to you.

“But what you said had really hurt my feelings. And if you ever say something like that to me again, I’m going to leave and take some time for myself.” You warned through the tears. Seeing your lip quiver as you spoke was enough for him to engulf you in his arms.

“I promise if I ever say that again, you could smack me as hard as you can. I deserve it.” You let out a tearful laugh and shook your head. However, he was being dead serious. You buried yourself in his embrace.

“I forgive you this time. Just next time communicate with me. We’re partners. It’s me and you against the problem.” Hearing how sincere you were made his heart swell. It made him feel even more guilty for starting the argument with you. But if you could forgive him, then maybe he can forgive himself too.

“You’re right. I’m sorry for everything. I just…” He paused. It was difficult for him to talk about his feelings, but he trusted you. You were his whole world after all. “I just wanted to spend time with you alone. I had a hard today today, and you always manage to make me feel better.” He murmured. His cheeks were a soft pink color. No matter how long you guys had been together for, it was awkward for him to tell you about how he felt.

You pulled away from the embrace to look him in the eyes. A small smile was on your face and your cheeks were tear stained. Your eyes had never had more of a soft look in them as one of your hands cupped the side of his face. Your thumb had slowly grazing his cheek.

“Why didn’t you say so? I don’t mind canceling my plans for you.” The smile on your lips grew, and you leaned in to give him a kiss on the cheek. The rain had seemed to turn into a soft sprinkle. You got up from the couch and made your way to the kitchen. His eyes followed you, clearly confused on what you were doing.

“Come on, let’s just cook and watch something.” You called. A bright smile spread across his face as he followed your voice. It was simple idea but it meant the world that you had decided to forgive him. He wouldn’t say that arguing with you will never happen again, but he knew that no matter how frustrating the situation was, he’d never utter an insult to you again.

He loved you too much, after all.

#jason todd x reader #jason todd #batman x reader #taylor swift inspired #afterglow #red hood x reader #fanfiction #x reader #elliessodashop #taylor swift

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singularattitudeofasafetypin · 2 years

Text

How You Get the Girl

Masterlist

Summary: Eddie's had a crush on Reader forever but doesn't know where to start when talking to her. Luckily for him, she has the perfect advice and he's in just the right place to overhear it!

Word Count: 3.8K ish

Warnings: none really. Spoilers for Star Wars original trilogy and my maybe controversial Star Wars opinions.

A/N: This isn't based on the Taylor Swift song of the same name, but I've recently listened to 1989 for the first time and it's my entire personality now! Listened to it a lot while writing and it's too good of a title not to steal for this! I had lots of fun with this idea, I hope you enjoy reading!

Please don't copy my work

'I just don't get it!'

It was a quiet afternoon in the middle of Autumn. A few solitary customers meandered between the shelves, but Family Video was almost deserted. You stood behind the counter, arms folded, while you endeavoured to solve the enigma of why you best friend couldn’t get a girl.

‘Is your hair not cool enough or something?’

Steve scoffed. ‘Look, it’s not about the hair!’ He mirrored your stance.

Despite your friendship, you couldn’t help but laugh at the irony. In high school, girls would have given anything just to be seen with him. Maybe he’d lost his touch? Maybe high school just didn’t matter after all? Either way, King Steve had lost his crown.

‘What’s it about then?’ you relented, seeing his face drop in defeat, ‘How’d you get the girl?’

He stuttered, struggling to condense his elaborate, and frankly shoddy, wooing methods into coherent sentences while you watched him flounder.

In truth, he was different now. Steve wasn’t looking for some meaningless hook-up anymore. He wanted something deeper. Something built to last,

And that was a whole different ballgame.

Unseen between the shelves, Eddie Munson smirked. He wasn’t pretending to browse the selection of tapes he told himself, he just couldn’t help but listen to the two of you go back and forth.

Especially you!

Your voice was music to his ears. He could hardly decipher the words so it wasn’t technically eavesdropping! The melody alone was enough to overpower him.

Eddie had been crushing on you hard for almost three years now. You’d been friends of friends for a while, hanging out in the same group with Steve, Nancy, Robin, and usually Dustin Henderson.

He’d almost asked you out a thousand times but something always make him chicken out. It was ridiculous really; flirting was something that had always come easy to him. Poetry and showmanship were his weapons of choice but something short-circuited in his brain whenever he tried to talk to you. The words stuck in his throat.

You scared him, okay? You were classy and confident, so sure of yourself. You were never ever afraid to speak your mind and you didn’t care what anyone thought of you!

Kind of like him, he thought. Except he did care. Eddie really cared what you thought of him!

‘You’ve got to be joking!’ your disbelieving tone cut through the clouds of his thoughts.

‘What?’ Steve retorted.

You shook your head hopelessly, ‘Act like you don’t care?’ you mimicked, adding sarcastic air quotes, ‘Wait for the… ‘electricity’? No wonder you aren’t getting any girls!’

He threw his hands up in surrender, ‘Well you’re a girl!’

‘Yes, well spotted Harrington!’

‘Go on then, tell me what to do!’ he contested, leaning back on the counter, ‘What makes you see a future with someone? What makes you want to go out with someone, and stay with them?’

Eddie’s ears pricked up. He couldn’t help it.

You agonised, ‘You’ve got to care Steve! You’ve gotta make her feel wanted! Remember the little things about her, compliment her! Not just quietly but when other people can hear!’

Eddie rummaged in his bag for a pen and paper. He couldn’t believe his luck! After years of not knowing where to start to show you how much you meant to him, here you were, unknowingly giving him a step-by-step guide! Tongue poking out of the corner of his mouth, he started scrawling madly across the page as you spoke.

‘Ask her about her interests and listen to her! I mean really listen!’

Easy!

‘Get her flowers! Show that you’re thinking about her!’

Eddie never stopped thinking about you.

‘Invite her to spend time together doing things you both enjoy!’

Piece of cake! (Ignoring all the times he’s failed to do just that!)

‘Be honest about your feelings for her!’

Now hold up. His pen froze, hovering in mid-air. If talking was an Olympic sport, Eddie would win gold but he’s never been great at talking about how he felt. Not that he didn’t have feelings, he supposed he just had too many.

‘That’s so much work!’ Steve whined and you laughed. The sound refocussed Eddie’s despondent mind.

‘True love takes work, Harrington! You’re not some fairytale princess!’

The conversation went on in the background but he didn’t hear the rest. You were right. If he wanted this, wanted you, he was going to have to work for it! No more backing down! No more shying away! No more running!

‘You okay over there, Munson?’

Eddie snapped out of his trance, nearly knocking the shelves over. ‘Yeah!’ he choked, resolve shattering. He stuffed his paper and pen away and grabbed the nearest movie, stumbling over to the desk and your smiling face. Incapable of looking you in the eye, he shoved the tape onto the counter. ‘Please don’t be anything weird!’ he prayed to no one in particular as you turned it over.

Your customer service smile split into a real one, ‘Oh no way! I love Star Wars!’

‘I-uh-,’

‘Say something Eddie!’ he thought furiously, shifting his feet and wishing the ground would swallow him whole, ‘Yeah… I thought it was about time I got round to watching them!’ he managed.

‘You’ve never seen them?’ your face morphed into shock then mock offence, ‘But they’re the best!’

His mouth moved but nothing came out. ‘Ask about things she’s passionate about!’ a small voice whispered in his mind.

‘Which… one’s your favourite?’

‘Oh, I don’t know!’ you rested your elbows on the counter, head in hands and thinking hard. Eddie stuck his hands in his pockets so you wouldn’t see them shaking. You really were breath taking. The way you frowned slightly, the way your eyes narrowed and lips pressed together like this was the most important decision in the world. It made him giddy.

‘Everyone says Empire’s the best,’ you said slowly, ‘But I think Jedi’s my favourite! You just can’t beat the ending!’

‘Is that the one with the teddy bears?’ Steve chimed from the back room, giving Eddie time to pick his gaping jaw off the floor.

You rolled your eyes good-naturedly turning over your shoulder, ‘Yes, well done Steve! For the last time, they’re called Ewoks!’

Eddie couldn’t help laughing. You shook your head with a smile, ‘You’ll have to tell me what you think of them!’

‘Yeah!’ he choked, ‘Absolutely!’ His head was reeling from what must be the longest conversation he’d ever had with you.

‘Well, I’ll see you round, Munson!’

‘Yeah… yeah!’ he grabbed the tape from between you, turned heel and hurried out of the store grinning like an idiot. Step one complete! Gone, were the days of wistfully hoping you’d take notice of him! Now he had a battle plan and this film was his way in!

If he’d turned around, he’d have seen the small smile spread its way over your mouth. Steve poked his head out of the back room and wiggled his eyebrows. You moved to shove him and he ducked out of the way, a grin of his own stretching his face.

***

Sharp Autumn wind made you hug your cardigan closer. Leaves crunched and puddles splashed underfoot as you trekked the familiar streets to work, your favourite song blaring in your headphone

‘Hey! Hey, wait up!’

Fumbling with your headphones, you twisted round. Barrelling toward you was Eddie, his tongue poking out as he tried to balance two takeaway cups in his hands while running at breakneck speed.

You couldn’t help but smile.

He skidded to a halt in front of you panting wildly. ‘Here!’ he thrust one of them out at you and you took it. The cup warmed your cold fingers and your name was scribbled on the lid in black sharpie.

‘What’s this?’ you asked as he slurped his own.

‘Hot Chocolate,’ he answered, ‘You like that, right?’

‘Yeah…’ a sigh of laughter passed your lips, ‘I meant what for?’

Eddie just shrugged, ‘You mind if I walk with you?’

‘I’m on the way to work.’

‘I know, I’m headed there too!’

You started walking and he fell into step beside you. After a long sip of hot chocolate that warmed you right down to your toes you spoke. ‘Did you watch the movie?’ He nodded excitedly. ‘And?’

Eddie pretended to think for a second, ‘Uh and it’s amazing!’ He meant it too! The movie had blown him away, had him on the edge of his seat the whole time. He couldn’t believe it had taken him this long to see it!

But even if that wasn’t true, even if it had been the most boring movie he’d ever experienced, he’d watch it over and over just to see the light that shone in your eyes when you talked about it.

‘Sorry, I’m probably being really annoying!’ You caught yourself in the middle of a tangent.

‘No!’ He couldn’t reply fast enough, ‘I love hearing you talk!’

‘Really?’ the words made your heart skip a beat. Privately, you’d never been sure about Eddie. Sure, you’d hung out before in groups but whenever you’d tried to talk to him, he always seemed to shrug you off. From his short, usually monosyllabic answers, you’d just assumed he found you irritating. Disappointing, because you might have harboured a bit of a crush but there was no point pursuing someone who clearly wasn’t interested.

Yet all of that seemed to have changed. Now, he was trailing after you to work, listening to you babble on about some sci-fi movie and hanging onto your every word. It was nice. Really nice!

From there you talked about everything. He asked about your music taste and hesitantly shared his own. You found out he played guitar in a band and made him promise to tell you when his next gig was so you could come and see.

The video store approached. He stepped in front, opening the door then letting you go first.

‘You after Empire then?’ you asked, taking off your hat and scarf and hanging them in the backroom.

Eddie nodded, ‘This is the one that everyone says is the best, right?’

‘Yeah,’ ducking under the counter, you searched for the tape, ‘It is really awesome! There’s lots of surprises!’ He noted the knowing look in your eye. At last, you found it, holding it out with a smile, ‘Enjoy!’

Your hands touched a bit more than maybe they needed to as he took the video.

‘I’ll be back!’ he promised, tucking it in his bag and scooping up your empty cup for the bin.

***

First thing the next morning, Eddie crashed through the doors yelling at the top of his lungs. ‘What the hell?’

You jumped out of your skin and so did the customer you were serving. Your face split into a smile. You hurried the transaction but Eddie was still hollering, gesturing wildly with both hands. ‘You never told me Darth Vader is Luke’s fa-! ‘

‘Eddie!’ you cut him off, barely able to control your laughter, ‘Spoilers!’

The rest of the store suddenly solidified. Everyone was staring, some shaking their heads in disapproval.

‘Sorry!’ he winced. Tiptoeing up to the desk he leant in, comically close, ‘You didn’t tell me he was Luke’s father!’ he repeated in a stage-whisper.

‘I know!’ you giggled, matching his theatrical tone, ‘What did you think?’

‘It was amazing! I honestly don’t know how anything’s gonna top that!’

You grinned, ‘Well you’ll have to wait and see! You want the next one right away? I put it aside for you!’

‘You did?’

‘Course I did!’ Without waiting for an answer, you slipped away into the back to find it. Eddie took a shaky breath, missing the closeness. Anxiety twisted in his stomach.

‘Come on, Munson!’ he chided himself. ‘It’s now or never!’ He fiddled with his rings, wrists resting on the counter.

It didn’t take you long to come back, holding the video case aloft in ceremonial fashion. ‘Here ya go! The thrilling conclusion!’ setting it down. He managed a grim smile. ‘You gotta come by tomorrow and tell me what you thought!’

A lump stuck in his throat and he grimaced, ‘Oh well… I uh… I was wondering-,’

‘You okay?’

‘Yeah!’ he chuckled awkwardly. This was going great! ‘I was just wondering if… if you maybe wanted to watch it… with me?’

That was it! The words were out in the open now, he had no way to recall them!

The invitation took you by surprise, eyes widened and a small ‘Oh.’ Was all you could manage before he rambled on. Words, previously impossible, now wouldn’t stop.

‘I mean just because you said it’s your favourite! I was thinking we could get pizza or something! I dunno. We don’t have to, I know we haven’t really talked much before but I just thought-,’

‘I’d love to!’

‘-it would be really cool to maybe-!’ he stopped, it took a second to hear that you’d spoken and longer still to process your response. ‘Wait what?’

You smiled and repeated yourself.

He was gobsmacked. Was this real? He never thought he’d get this far!

‘Right! Yeah, cool!’ the words stuck again, ‘I’ll uh… I’ll see you at six, right? …At mine.’

‘Sounds great!’

Somehow, he made it out of the store, clutching the video in both hands. He waited ‘til he was out of sight behind his van before punching the air. Finally! After years of failed attempts, he did it! The drive home was a haze; it was a miracle he made it back in one piece.

At some point he must have ordered pizza because some kid in a yellow shirt showed up at his door at a few minutes to six. All afternoon he’d been floating on air. Now he was freaking out.

What if he messed something up? What if he said something weird? What if you changed your mind and didn’t show?

What if? What if? What if?

***

You arrived a few minutes before he’d said to, giving yourself time to figure out where to park and glance at yourself in the rear-view mirror.

Steve and Robin had teased you relentlessly for dressing up. Claims you categorically denied, of course!

Sure, you’d made an effort. A light dusting of makeup made it look less like you’d worked the late shift for the third night in a row the day before and you just liked the way your favourite sweater made your eye colour a bit more vibrant. That didn’t mean anything! Besides, it wasn’t like he meant anything by it! It was just a movie! Pizza and a movie!

So why were you nervous?

He opened the door almost immediately after you knocked, ushering you inside from the fast-falling dusk. His trailer was cosy and inviting; from all reports, you guessed he must have tidied up significantly. The lamplight enveloped you in a warm glow and the intoxicating smell of pizza made your tummy rumble.

‘You still like pepperoni, right?’ he asked, opening the box, releasing a plume of steam into the air.

‘Yeah,’ you breathed in the scent, ‘How did you know that?’

He looked at the floor suddenly embarrassed, ‘I uh… remember that one time in eighth grade when we had that pizza party? I remembered you were sad because they didn’t have pepperoni.’ He looked up, assessing your response before backtracking hastily, ‘I’m sorry that’s so weird!’

‘No, no, it’s amazing!’ shaking your head and picking out a particularly cheesy slice, ‘The only thing I remember from middle school are those crazy outfits you and your band wore for the talent show!’

‘You remember that?’ He grinned at the memory, ‘Super metal, right?’

After loading a plate each with pizza slices, he slipped the movie into the player and settled next to you on the couch. For a while you didn’t speak much, eating and absorbed by the movie. That was until Obi-Wan’s ghost revealed that-

‘Leia is Luke’s sister?’ Eddie shot up, knocking his empty plate to the floor.

You giggled at his outburst, ‘I know!’

‘How many more reveals are there going to be? Hey! And they-,’ he wrinkled his nose in disgust. You could see a specific scene from the last movie replaying in his mind.

‘I know! It’s so gross!’

‘I don’t believe this!’ he sat back down, ‘I’m never going to recover! Never!’

You elbowed him, ‘Watch the damn move, Munson!’

Was it your imagination, or did his breathing hitch. You’d scooched much closer than before, practically laying your head on his shoulder. Was he uncomfortable? Were you too forward? Your worries were put to rest when he draped his arm around you, slow and tentative, as if giving you a chance to pull away.

You didn’t.

The rest of the movie passed by in comfortable quiet, interspersed with Eddie asking excited questions and you berating him to be patient! You couldn’t stop yourself giving the odd bit of trivia or behind the scenes insight and to your delight, he actually seemed to care!

Eventually the credits rolled. He didn’t move right away so you wriggled to look up at him. He was starstruck, open mouthed, and more than a little misty eyed.

‘So?’ you asked cautiously.

His eyes switched from the screen to yours, forming a breathless smile. ‘That was amazing!’ You laughed. ‘I mean it!’ he said, ‘It was so epic! That final duel on the Death Star was just… and Anakin’s death? Wow! And the ghosts at the end? You were totally right about the ending being the coolest thing ever!’

You laughed with him. The mile wide grin on his face lit up his eyes like a thousand stars, sending butterflies whirling in your stomach. He felt like a different person. Secretly, you’d worried he wouldn’t enjoy it, that he’d think it was silly or it just wouldn’t be his thing but he gave you no doubt! His enthusiasm was the most genuine of anybody’s you’d ever seen and you realised then, you’d give anything to see it again and again.

Eddie started to clear away the plates and pizza box. While you helped, a question kept gnawing at you. A question you were almost afraid of the answer to.

‘Why are you doing this?’ you asked, stopping before you stooped put your shoes back on. He froze like you’d caught him doing something wrong.

‘Doing what?’ his voice failed to imitate nonchalance.

‘Being… nice to me all of a sudden.’ It was the only way you could describe it. He really seemed to care, to actually want to hear your opinions, share your joy.

‘I don’t know what you mean,’ he continued clearing up but he hid his face behind his hair.

‘You’re a terrible liar!’ you moved closer and saw his shoulders tense, ‘Tell the truth!’

He didn’t speak. All the light from before extinguished, something closed him off again. Maybe you’d crossed a line? Said something wrong?

‘You know, you aren’t as mean and scary as I thought you were,’ you tried gently, anxious to get the other Eddie back. He smiled a bit, though still not looking at you.

‘Neither are you!’

‘You thought I was mean and scary?’

‘Not mean!’ he clarified, ‘But scary as hell!’

You couldn’t help but laugh and a small chuckle escaped his chest. ‘Why?’

‘Because!’ he gestured at nothing in particular, ‘Because you’re you and you’re so sure of yourself and you don’t care what anyone thinks! And…’ he stopped.

‘And?’ you asked when he didn’t continue. He didn’t want to tell you, not yet. He was only just getting started! There were still so many things he had left to do before…

‘Be honest with her about your feelings!’ wheedled his brain. It was a struggle but he forced himself to meet your eye. Looking like a man about to risk it all, he wet his lips and took a steady breath.

‘And…’ he continued, voice low, ‘I’ve had a massive crush on you since… forever!’

Oh!

The words hung in the silence between you. They echoed in your head and in your heart.

Before you could respond, he tore on, ‘And I never knew how to talk to you before because I was scared that you’d… I don’t know… laugh at me or something? Because I know, I’m a colossal disaster and I don’t know how to say romantic things or anything when I’m around you!’ He stopped to draw breath.

‘What changed?’ you cut in, still trying to process his confession. All this time you’d worried he didn’t like you and now he told you he felt all that?

Eddie hung his head. He raised a hand to his neck, rubbing furiously as a flush rose in his cheeks. ‘Um… You remember like a month ago? You were talking to Harrington about why he couldn’t make a relationship work?’

‘Yeah?’ the interaction seemed so small, so inconsequential.

‘Well… I might have been listening and I wrote down all your advice and planned to use it on you!’

His nose scrunched; shoulders tensed. At last, everything was laid out on the line. All he could do was wait for your response.

Worst case scenarios, none of them remotely in character, fired through his mind. You being super weirded out and never wanting to talk to him again. Laughing in his face and telling everyone you knew that the big scary metalhead was a hopeless romantic sap in disguise.

To his surprise, you reached up and cupped his face in your hand, rose on your tiptoes, and kissed his cheek.

He looked down at you, eyes wide. You held his gaze. He hardly dared hope.

‘I guess I give really good dating advice!’ you murmured.

He breathed out slowly, and a bright shining smile graced your lips. ‘Yeah?’

You nodded. ‘You should tell Steve it worked! Maybe then he’ll listen to me!’ Eddie let out a laugh, relief washing over him.

Your eyes found each other’s again. For a moment you just stood there, admiring his features up close. The faint brush of freckles over his nose, his slow, steady breath that moved his chest up and down, the way his eyes widened when he looked at you. Like they were seeing the whole world at once. You noticed them flicker to your lips and your heart fluttered.

‘Do you want to kiss me?’ your voice was quiet but earnest.

He blushed at the question, then, almost imperceptibly nodded. You smiled, moving ever closer, until you were practically nose to nose.

‘Go on then!’

***

Thank you so much for reading! Feedback and reblogs are so incredibly appreciated! It makes me all warm and fuzzy when I hear that you enjoyed a story I wrote! Let me know if you want to be tagged in anything else I write!

Tags: @sadbitchfangirl

Masterlist

#eddie munson x reader fluff #eddie munson #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson fanfiction #eddie munson fanfic #eddie munson imagine #eddie munson fluff #eddie x reader #eddie munson x you #eddie munson x female reader #amber writes #stranger things 4 #steve harrington #eddie my beloved

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brucewaynehater101 · 5 months

Note

adding to my last ask, the rest of the album is so similar to the Batfam

Loves like Ghosts - Batcat or BruTalia

Until the Night Turns - Dick (the vibes esp)

Dead Man’s Hand - Jason

-> pretty obvious why 💀. I see it as Jason talking abt his old self with the “tired of a life that never felt like his” line

Hurricane (Johnnie’s theme) - Dick, Jason, and Steph(Cass)

-> I mostly saw it as Stephcass but there were definitely lyrics that applied to Dick (thrill) and Jason (dying lol)

La Bella Fleur Sauvage - DickBabs

The World Ender - Steph (with the romantic lines being shaded between Cass and Gotham) or Jason (with the romantic lines being completely abour Gotham)

-> I feel like it fits Jason better bc it’s literlaky abour being back from the grave but alas

Meet Me in the Woods - Tim(Bern)

The Yawning Grave - ALFRED AND BRUCE ALFRESH AND BRUCE. This is so important to me omg

Cursed - where “she” is Gotham and the speaker is any of the Batfam (sans Cass I think)

Way out There - Damian (“I’m just wearing old bones from those who came first”) (“you” being Dick) or StephCass from Cass’s pov

The Night We Met - the BatSiblings (sans Duke bc he wasn’t adopted yet) during Bruce’s death

There weren’t any I could connect to Duke specifically but yeah 😞

Loves Like Ghost definitely gives of Talia to Bruce vibes. The lyrics of "what ain't living can never really die. You don't want me baby please don't lie. Oh but if you're leaving, I gotta know why." "And if I can't have you then no one ever will." "Baby in my eyes you do no wrong. I don't feel it till it hurts sometimes. So go on baby hurt me tonight."

Until the Night Turns is a cool song. Perhaps you would elaborate more on why you think it fits Dick? The vibes are pretty on, but jot too sure about the lyrics.

Dead Man's Hand does fit Jason. "Sure as hell he was dead as they come and he was already starting to smell. Just a kid with his hair slicked back and a knife tucked into his belt. Was he unforgiven or just tired of living a life that never felt like his?" "I know I'm dead but I don't wanna lie in a grave out here where the coyote's cry. I stared right into the endless void and I ain't going back if I got any choice. I know how to live, I don't know how to die and there ain't no thrills in the afterlife."

Hurricane. I do think that all of the batkids are adrenaline junkies but I do see how the lyrics fit those ones especially.

La Bella Fleur Savage - Google says Fleur means both flower and resilience. I can see how that fits Babs and how the song resembles her love with Dick.

The World Ender - I love this song for Steph. She deserves to get her revenge. She did kind of die with Black Mask, but she didn't really do a revenge thing like Jason. On the other hand she "won't ever feel the embrace of the grave" because she revived before being buried.

Meet Me in the Woods - I see how this is TimBern especially because Bernard isn't in the vigilante business (so he won't really understand what Tim's been through).

The Yawning Grave - Alfred warning Bruce not to become Batman, of its dangers, of the likelihood of him dying, fits so well. He told him when he was a kid, but Bruce still went down with this path

Cursed - I agree that Cass isn't tied to Gotham like the others. If "she" was Gotham, that does fit the others. I raise you, though. What if "she" was their mission or vigilantism? That then fits all of them.

Way out There - Oof. That definitely fits Damian and I love that analysis of him.

The Night We Met - I agree, however, there's a tik tok that has an animation of this song. It absolutely kills my soul every time I see it. It has Bruce singing this about Jason: "I had all," Jason as Robin, "and then most of you," Jason dying, "some and," Jason's grave, "now none of you," Jason as Red Hood. "Take me back to the night we met." The tire jacking night.

We definitely need some Duke songs out there. If anyone has any songs that fit Duke, feel free to comment or reblog with them!!!!

#dc comics #dc universe #jason todd #tim drake #bruce wayne #dick grayson #damian wayne #cass wayne #steph brown #barbara gordon #thank you for the ask!!!!

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akechi-stole-my-heart · 1 year

Text

no more what ifs - a goro akechi meta

Inspired by a meta I reblogged a bit ago. It was really good and you should read it, as it serves as a good companion piece to this analysis, but it didn't analyze the song through the specific lens I personally believe it's meant to be seen through--that is, the Third Semester/Maruki's reality. Don't get me wrong, I think the song can be applied to Akechi in general, just that we can't truly understand the depths of its meaning unless we view it through the lens of what Akechi is feeling in the Third Semester. Needless to say, that's what I'll be doing here.

People come and they go Some people may stay with you though I am all alone tonight and I kept on Asking myself questions

Akechi has lived most of his life alone. People have come and gone temporarily, but no one has really stuck until Joker entered his life. (I don't think I need to make the case that it's Joker he's talking about when he says some people stay with you, I think it's pretty obvious it has to be him.) Joker, someone he can't comprehend, the only person he's let in. Akechi can't understand Joker, so naturally, he's constantly thinking of him, and why he's stuck with him when so many others haven't.

Conceited I was at time I never really doubted myself But tonight got me thinking about it all If I am the fool or what not

All Akechi can do in the Third Semester is think about his choices and his mistakes and wonder if he did the right thing and what led him here. He's been forced to live (for now) after everything he'd worked and lived for fell apart under him. He's reflecting on his past arrogance and how that blinded him.

"If I am the fool or what not" holds a double meaning. Akechi is doubting if he was a fool in the general sense, if he was made a fool for his plan of revenge. But he's also wondering if he was the Fool in the Persona sense of the word (something that will have a payoff at the end of the song).

I do not Regret with my choices I'm rather proud Ooh I know I won't change Anything Because I can only be me so

Akechi can't afford regret. To regret would be to admit that Maruki's ideal reality, where his choices were erased, has any hold on him. To regret would be to let go of the person he is and the person he has become.

Who Akechi really is is another topic that can be elaborated on ad nauseum, so I won't do that here. Maybe I'll do that another time when I finally write the meta about Akechi and agency that's been living in my head for a long while.

Suffice to say, Akechi believes his choices, his actions, his revenge, all define him. He refuses to let Maruki erase them just because they don't fit with his ideal reality. Akechi is fundamentally incompatible with everything Maruki stands for, and he knows it.

How can I be so sure? At a crossroads I'm afraid too But I can't let fear get the best of me Someone once said burn my dread babe

"Burn my dread" is a reference to a song from Persona 3. I haven't played the entire game as of yet, but Persona 3 is a game all about facing and accepting death. "Burn my dread" is a lyric that points to this theme, and the theme of facing one's fears head-on.

Akechi is dead. He knows this perhaps from the very moment he comes back to life. He certainly knows it for most of the Third Semester. He is dead, and to reject Maruki's reality, to embrace himself, is to face that death for the second time, and accept it. But Akechi can't let his fear of death stop him from making his choice. He will die on his own terms and "burn his dread."

Who knows what tomorrow holds? Just wanna live my life the way I want What fills up my soul is passionate Music that makes me want to sing

This is, yet again, Akechi asserting that he will be himself, that he will find meaning in life on his own terms, and that he will not let anyone other than himself define who he is or what he wants. Music is dynamic and complex, something that can express deep truths of one's soul. The Jazz Jin, a place of music, is Akechi's in a way very little else is. It's not Shido's puppet's, not the Detective Prince's, but Akechi's place of solitude and self reflection. It is the place he decides to share with Joker--in a way, he is baring his very soul to Joker. Letting him into his heart.

My story will be starring me just like yours ooh ooh Who knows when will it end What matters most is how you bring joy to life so

This is paying off the beginning of the song. Akechi is asserting that the world doesn't revolve around Joker. Goro is the Fool, he is the main character, he is not defined by anyone but himself and himself alone.

And the last two lines simply restate themes running throughout the song. Akechi is himself. He will accept his death when it comes, and he will not live by anyone's rules but his own.

No More What Ifs shows us the doubt that Akechi rarely expresses that runs deep to his core. Wondering if he made a mistake in isolating himself, wondering if Joker was right all along, wondering if and how things might have gone wrong.

But Akechi can't let himself doubt for long. He always comes back to that certainty that he can't be anyone but himself. He can't let anyone change him. He can't let go of who he is, not for anything. The song is full of him reassuring himself of his path--that no matter what, he will not regret. He can't afford it. He will not waver from his path.

Now, more than ever, after being faced with the consequences of his mistakes and being offered an out, Akechi has to assert his free will and defy Maruki. And that's what this song expresses.

#sera posts #goro akechi #akechi goro #p5r #p5r spoilers #akeshu #shuake #sera talks goro

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n--n · 6 months

Note

So can you elaborate on the lyrics of Poison being uninspired? I think a big problem with them is that there’s supposed to be a dramatic switch up in tone at the end, but it’s not actually big because the song has no dark subtext, the darkness is pure text. You can’t have a character say “My stories gonna end with me dead from your poison” then expect us to be shocked when the song gets sad in the end.

Addict was something people could have actually comfortably danced to in the club, which makes it hit when the concept is flipped to the dark side of itself, and it fits thematically, because it’s him coming down from his high, and he’s taking in what’s become of his life. Angel wasn’t happy before the ending of Poison so why is the song suddenly sad now like anything has changed?

But to me the lyrics seem unique enough. Like I can’t say any of them are cliches or platitudes. Though it kind of annoys me that the second verse like a regular pop song, but a real pop song has eight lines in verse one, this one has six and the Yeah yeah yeahs don’t count, so the second verse has an odd number of lines and just feels incomplete. That could be an example of it being uninspired.

Thank you for this ask it gives me an excuse to surgically open this song and really understand why it bothers me so much. Also it's 12 and I haven't rewatched it in a while so I might come back tomorrow and rewrite this so take it w a grain of salt sorry abt that.

In a nutshell- it's uninspired to me bc its such a nothingburger of a song. Like what do we get from it that we don't already know about Angel- either from the show itself, side content like the Addict video, or even from posts about him? Nothing. And lyrics aside, although the beat is good it's just a generic pop tune like Addict was a generic Kesha tune ya'know? Nothing about the melody particularly stood out to me as unique on its own or helping the storytelling. Even the fact that it's so upbeat in spite of the lyrics and visuals works against it when it gets towards the end and fails at trying to surprise you that it's sad.

"...so the second verse has an odd number of lines and just feels incomplete"

^^See thank you for articulating this bc I don't actually know much about how to articulate my thoughts on music, but this does help me make sense of why the actual tune just didn't grab me/felt off.

Also, going w/ the comparison to All You Wanna Do again- it's uninspired in that it also tries to do the thing where it makes a character use sexual innuendo to cope/describe the sa but falls so flat. Like,

"So far beyond difficult to resist another gulp

Yeah, I know it's poison You're feedin' me poison I'm chokin' from the taste and I can't help but swallow Up your poison I made my choice and Every night I'm wasted like there's no tomorrow"

Angel Dust does his dance as he sings this-and the images of him in his fetish gear/parts of the assault appear on screen, and he even poses in the positions it's implied he's being assaulted in. Like, was ALL of that necessary when the lyrics are already telling us directly what's happening to him??? Katherine made sex jokes abt her sa too, but we get to see her as her own character outside of the assaults and we learn so much about her pov, how it affected her entire life, etc. I feel like I wouldn't find it even that egregious if we had gotten to have scenes where the audience gets to see Angel be himself outside of the performative mask he wears+his suffering, but he was only used for cheap sex jokes when interacting w the others at the hotel. And now in his song, he redundantly sings abt his situation which we have already been shown:

"I got so good at bein' untrue I got so good at tellin' you what you wanna hear I disassociate, disappear Yeah, yeah, yeah"

We saw his conflict w Husk over how fake he is, saw him placate Val over the phone, and I can't recall if we saw him disassociate but regardless. The point is we know all this, it didn't need to be a song let alone a whole music video. If we left the scene after Val abused Angel in the backroom and made Charlie leave it would have been waaayyyyy more weighty and foreboding than this song/MV.

ALSO:

"You can’t have a character say “My stories gonna end with me dead from your poison” then expect us to be shocked when the song gets sad in the end." + "...and it fits thematically, because it’s him coming down from his high, and he’s taking in what’s become of his life."

^^^^THIS!! They really tried leaning into the tragedy of his situation but really just ended up making him a tool for whump instead. Addict was put together wayyy better musically, thematically and visually- it actually felt impactful when we're left with Angel Dust crying on the bed w his pet comforting him, whereas Poison leaving him on the ground left me feeling nothing but annoyance.

#Sorry if this is incoherent I'm tired but I love analyzing things asjdhfgasdkjh #While I'm at it I miss pilot Angel he was meaner and it would have made his arc more solid if they let his character breathe a bit #I love messy characters Angel has potential but it's constantly knee capped by HH being 8 eps + Angel being woobified and whump'd into bein #sympathetic instead of letting him be messy #HH critical #almost forgot to tag i don't need anyone coming for me for having Cartoon Opinions #hazbin hotel criticism

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squirrelwithatophat · 2 years

Text

Boinking Fade Spirits: A Very Important Meta

Continuing in the vein of fantasizing out loud about what I want to see in Dragon Age: Dreadwolf, I think it would be great if the game would allow players to romance and/or sleep with a Fade spirit. Below I’ll elaborate on what we know about Fade spirit sexuality, both as a review and as a way to demonstrate that a Fade spirit romance would be consistent with prior lore.

Cole/Compassion

We know it’s possible for a Fade spirit to fall in (romantic/sexual) love because that is one potential outcome of Cole/Compassion’s character arc in Dragon Age: Inquisition. If the player’s influence leads Cole to become more human during Subjected to His Will (his companion quest), he eventually pursues a romance with the minstrel/bard Maryden in the Trespasser DLC, set two years after the end of the main story. We're introduced to the relationship during a heartwarming scene during the companion catch-up conversations, transcribed below:

Maryden: Oh, Cole, good day! I didn’t see you there.

Cole: But I saw you, as lovely as your songs.

(Cole gives her a kiss on the cheek)

Inquisitor: ("I'm happy for you") I’m pleased for both of you.

Maryden: The world has ample pain, Inquisitor. The kindness found in Cole is rare indeed.

Cole: Her songs bring happiness to those who hear… and I can make her happy in return.

It’s implied that the attraction has turned physical during a banter in Trespasser (emphasis mine):

Cole: Some of the stones here are pretty. I should get one for Maryden.

Dorian: You’ve got a lady friend? Really?

Iron Bull: You and the bard, huh?

Cole: I am human now.

Iron Bull: Good for you, kid! Let me know if you need any tips.

Dorian: No, no, that’s fine. You’re a real boy now. Would’ve lost gold on it being a girl, but that’s probably just me.

Cole: She’s kind, and her voice helps people. And her bodice smells good. Wait, I shouldn’t have said that. Forget! Oh, that doesn’t work anymore. Forget?

Granted, by this time Cole isn’t a “pure” or “true” Fade spirit (for lack of a better term), given that the romance only begins if Cole has turned more human over time (otherwise, spirit-Cole likes Maryden as a person and helps her out but has no romantic interest in her; in fact, he even facilitates a romance between Maryden and another human, Krem, during Trespasser). It is, however, evidence that Fade spirits can come to develop romantic feelings for humans (or rather mortals), at least under certain circumstances.

But what about sex with Fade spirits?

Cole for one is confirmed to be a virgin as of the events of Dragon Age: Inquisition (although, again, we see no evidence of any romance until two years later in Trespasser) by the desire demon (or self-proclaimed “choice spirit”) Imshael in the confrontation in Suledin’s Keep (Emprise du Lion) during the quest Call Me Imshael. When offered a deal, if the Inquisitor asks for “virgins,” the following exchange occurs:

Inquisitor: I’d like to be showered with virgins.

Imshael: I should really stop offering virgins. Everyone always chooses them, and I can never find any.

(If Cole is in the party):

Imshael: Oh wait, there’s one. Eeh... you probably don’t want him.

On the other hand, Imshael the desire demon is suggesting that the Inquisitor wouldn’t be interested in Cole, but not that Cole wouldn’t potentially be interested in sleeping with the Inquisitor. Interesting, isn’t it?

Desire Demons

It does appear to at least be possible to have sex with a Fade spirit. In Dragon Age: Origins, a male mage Warden can enter the Fade and have sex with a Desire demon (a type of Fade spirit) in exchange for allowing the demon to continue possessing Connor Guerrin during The Arl of Redcliffe arc.

Unfortunately, the outcome for poor Connor is less than ideal; according to the epilogue slides, making any deal with the demon whatsoever will result in Connor remaining possessed and then disappearing forever. Some people might frown on selling a child’s soul in exchange for a chance to get laid, especially if you also murder his mom in a blood ritual in the process, but I believe this is a case in which the fandom needs to calm down and simply agree to disagree.

Desire demons are also shown enchanting people into acting out romantic or sexual fantasies without full possession. In the Broken Circle arc of DAO, the Warden encounters an unnamed Desire demon who has the Templar Drass under her spell in the Templar Quarters of Kinloch Hold. Apparently she has bewitched him with the fantasy/delusion that she is his wife and that they are going about normal and rather domestic activities, including tucking "the children" in bed. The codex entry Desire and Need reveals that Knight-Commander Greagoir had previously berated Drass for failing to live up to "the devotional requirements of training," presumably indicating that the latter might have been more interested in eventually settling down and starting a family than on being a religious fanatic on guard duty spiraling into dementia from being forced to huff magic rock dust. It's later made clear that Templars are in fact allowed to have sex and even marry, given that the Templar Wesley marries Aveline Vallen in Lothering (DA2) and that former Knight-Commander Cullen explicitly states in DAI that sex was permitted for Templars in Kinloch Hold and Kirkwall. However, the sort of domestic life that Drass dreamed of may not have been a viable option, since Templars are supposed to live in Circle towers and Chantries while the spouses and (non-mage) children of Templars do not appear to receive accommodations in either.

A similar instance of a Desire demon, this one named Allure, bewitching people into acting out fantasies occurs in the Repentance (Act 2) quest of DA2, although this time it involves explicitly sexual content. Here we see Lord Harimann, characterized by his childhood friend Sebastian as otherwise being a "prude," evidently preparing to engage in very kinky sex with an unnamed elven woman in lingerie. More specifically, they're standing half-nude around a bed, a whipping post, “manacles” to use for bondage, and an Iron Maiden, as the woman loudly urges him to apply "the feather" even “lower,” and Harimann chuckles, "Now, you be the naughty apprentice, and I’ll be the Templar torturer." His last shout is, “Today, I am more than a man! Come! Felicitate me!” Born-again "Choir Boy" and sole unfuckable/volcel romance option Sebastian Vael is naturally aghast, exclaiming, “I beg your pardon, Hawke. I did not mean to expose you to such things,” as if Hawke and Isabela don’t already do these things literally every single day after returning home from the Hanged Man.

The motive behind why Desire demons bewitch people in this manner short of full possession is laid out by the Desire demon in Broken Circle (DAO):

Desire Demon: I saw his loneliness and longing for a family that loved him. No one else would have known his heart. He did not know it himself.

Warden: You've made him into your slave.

Desire Demon: I fulfill his dreams... I grant him all his desires. Is he my slave, or am I his? We are partners. I give him what no one else can, and through him, I experience what it is to be mortal.

Warden: Well, he deserves to be free from you. To find his own happiness.

Sten: Freedom cannot be given. The templar must choose it for himself. If you help this man, what does he learn? Nothing.

Desire Demon: Our thoughts and spirits are melded. If one perishes, so does the other. Though much of my strength is spent maintaining this link, I am his wife, and his children; he will defend me to the death if need be. I want nothing from you. I have what I need. All I ask is that you leave us alone.

So, to sum up, we have in-game examples of Desire demons having sex with mages in the Fade, enchanting people into acting out sexual and romantic fantasies, and flirting with visitors to the Fade (seen with Isabela during Night Terrors in DA2; referenced by Dorian in DAI). Not to mention their stripper-esque getups and repeated breast-fondling. Desire demons are thus clearly canon sexual/romance options.

As far as sex with non-demonic Fade spirits goes, however, we’re in murkier territory.

Wynne/Faith

In DAO, one of our potential companions, Wynne, is of course possessed by a spirit of Faith. Wynne makes multiple references to having slept around in the past (with both mages and Templars, ultimately being impregnated by one of the latter, heavily implied to be Greagoir) and even indicates that she has continued to be sexually active into middle age (“It would not be the first time I woke to a younger man in my bed”), but there’s no reference in the game to having enjoyed sex and/or romance post-possession — although to be fair, the possession is a rather recent occurrence, the party is in the midst of trying to stop the end of the world, and she is technically undead. (Full disclosure: I haven’t read all of Asunder yet, so let me know if you are aware of any information about Wynne’s sex life while possessed). It may also be worth noting that despite being repeatedly compared to a “grandmother,” she’s actually only 49 years old as of DAO.

Zevran for one seems into it. Not only does he flirt with her (though perhaps only in jest), but he seems to find the spirit possession a little too exciting for Wynne’s taste.

Zevran: ... but what does it feel like being possessed by a spirit?

Wynne: Why does this interest you so?

Zevran: I simply wish to get to know those that I travel with. Is that wrong of me?

Wynne: No, of course it isn't. Well... let me see. It is hard to describe. It is comforting... I... I feel safe, loved.

Zevran: Comforted, loved, yes...

Wynne: It is like being held close, cradled... the bond is so complete that I am unable to extricate myself, nor do I wish to. Wait... why do you have that look on your face?

Zevran: Mmm, I... I am simply imagining it. Continue, please.

Wynne: And there is a constant warmth, that spreads outwards from the very center of my being, infusing my body with--

Zevran: Ooh...

Wynne: Andraste's grace, what are you thinking about now? No, I don't want to know. I feel dirty. Do not speak to me.

Zevran also flirts with Wynne without reference to the possession, which reinforces the idea that he’s into it. (And remember, despite being repeatedly called an “old woman” and compared to a “grandmother,” Wynne is only 49 years old. Definitely within MILF territory).

Zevran: But it is a marvelous bosom. I have seen women half your age who have not held up half so well. Perhaps it is a magical bosom?

Wynne: Stop... talking about my bosom.

…

Zevran: There have been many bosoms in my past, though only few as fine as yours.

Wynne: Enough. I am ending this conversation.

…

Wynne: Zevran, I am old enough to be your grandmother.

Zevran: You say that like it's a bad thing.

Wynne: And what would you do with me if you had me, hmm? This is a game you play, nothing more.

Zevran: Ha, you are a cynical woman, Wynne. Cynical and powerful. It drives me mad with desire.

Kristoff/Justice

In Dragon Age: Origins - Awakening, one of our companions is a spirit of Justice involuntarily possessing the corpse of a human Grey Warden named Kristoff. Justice soon reveals that he has partial access to Kristoff’s memories but not any of Kristoff’s emotions.

Shortly after defeating the Baroness, during the conversation potentially leading to recruiting him into the party:

Justice: It seems I cannot return to the Fade. I am trapped here in the body of this “Grey Warden”? There are memories within this poor man’s mind, they are… they are difficult to see. But... he was a Grey Warden? He was... slain by the darkspawn, the one called The First?

Warden: The darkspawn are who the Grey Wardens fight.

Justice: And that was your pursuit when you were tricked into the Fade, yes, I understand now.

Justice: It seems I am at a loss. I know nothing of this world, and have only a few memories of this Grey Warden to draw from. I do not wish to die. What shall I do, mortal?

This is relevant to the later discussions regarding Kristoff’s wife Aura. Justice indicates he doesn’t personally feel Kristoff’s love for Aura but instead longs for such an experience of his own. Yet this longing in itself is enough to trigger discomfort and questions about his identity as a (non-demonic) Fade spirit.

During the discussion following the quest Justice for Kristoff, after meeting Aura in the Amaranthine Chantry:

Justice: I have been thinking of Aura, the mortal woman who was wife to Kristoff. I continue to envy their love. But envy is what a demon feels, a desire for something it cannot have.

Warden: You aren’t taking it from them. There’s a difference.

Justice: I… I think I understand. You coexist with both great darkness and great beauty. It must be confusing. Yet now I find myself wishing to be more. It is enlightening. Thank you for bringing me to this world.

This may have been part of the explanation for Justice’s deep attachment to seeking, well, “Justice for Kristoff.” His overriding goal is to kill the Mother to punish her for ordering the murder of Kristoff (not that this stops him from openly eyeing Anders the entire time), and his willingness to excuse actions by the Warden that he considers morally objectionable (e.g., agreeing to murder a cop for money, burning down Amaranthine, allying with their former kidnapper) is motivated by a belief that working with the Warden is necessary to achieve that objective. If the Warden tells him that he isn’t Kristoff and should just “let it go,” Justice explicitly says, “I cannot” (with this dialogue option netting -3 in Disapproval). It’s true that Justice takes a deep interest in Kristoff’s life in general (even collecting personal property to reminisce over), but he specifically cites Kristoff’s wife as a primary point of interest. He explicitly says he wants to experience love and romance and sees Kristoff and Aura as an ideal example.

(The Warden’s potential response of “You aren’t taking it from them” and “There’s a difference” also calls to mind Nathaniel’s ultimately successful argument in favor of possessing a living body: “Perhaps together, you can do what they cannot do alone. If you gave instead of taking, I would consider you no demon.”)

In general, Justice seems ignorant of and/or confused about sexuality and expresses annoyance at Oghren's dirty jokes and OG Anders’s habit of making a pass at every woman he meets.

When Oghren tries to probe Justice about reproductive functions and Kristoff’s memories of married life, Justice seems to not understand the sexual innuendo nor the significance of sexuality to marriage (or at least to most marriages that do not end in divorce).

Oghren: Now that you have a physical body, what do you plan to do with it?

Justice: Serve justice, as I always have.

Oghren: I know what I'd do if I suddenly became a complete man.

Justice: You are alluding to something. I know not what.

Oghren: You can't be that stupid.

Justice: We have work to do.

Oghren: And... er... everything works? Everything's intact? All the plumbing?

Justice: You are alluding to something. I know not what.

Oghren: Oh, come on!

Oghren: You have memories, right? Kristoff's memories.

Justice: Yes.

Oghren: And Kristoff was married? You have memories of that, yes?

Justice: Yes.

Oghren: Aha! So you must know what I'm talking about!

Justice: Must I?

Oghren: Come on! Kristoff must have buttered the southern pony in his day.

Justice: I do not believe Kristoff has ever seen a southern pony, let alone buttered it. What does that even mean?

Oghren: (Sigh) Nothing. It means nothing.

Moreover, Justice denies experiencing any physical needs or desires while possessing Kristoff’s corpse and finds Oghren’s refusal to shut up about sex and excretion rather irritating.

Justice: You speak often of bodily functions.

Oghren: (Grunts) Not half as often as they happen.

Justice: But why this preoccupation? I have a mortal body, yet it provides me no such amusement.

Oghren: You have a dead mortal body. Try a living one sometime, and then we'll talk.

Justice: Possess a living host? I would never!

Oghren: Tough break. Enjoy the corpse love.

While he doesn’t report anything resembling sexual desire, Justice does seem to pine over lyrium, which emits a song that appears especially attractive to spirits. So at this time he has retained his Spirit-related interests without fully acquiring human ones. His lack of awareness of sexuality leads to interesting implications for when he does possess a living body. As Oghren points out, Justice currently has “a dead mortal body,” and things could very well be different if and when he chooses to inhabit “a living one.”

But if we’re being honest, most of the people reading this are only really here for Anders, so let’s not beat around the bush.

Anders/Justice

Prior to his possession by Justice, Anders seems to have gotten around. A lot, actually. Despite the heavy restrictions on romantic and sexual relationships in the Circle, and despite being forcibly separated from his first long-term lover (whom he dreamt of saving for decades prior to the latter’s demise in the Tranquility quest), Anders was apparently an active participant in Kinloch Hold’s surreptitious hookup culture. In real-life contexts in which open romance is prohibited, after all, it’s a lot easier to get away with no-strings-attached casual sex than with maintaining long-term relationships, and this ultimately tends to undermine and destabilize such bonds. Consistent with this, if romanced in DA2, Anders will say, “When I was in the Circle, love was only a game. It gave the templars too much power if there was something you couldn't stand to lose. No mage I know has ever dared to fall in love. This is the rule I will most cherish breaking.” Despite World of Thedas vol. 2 confirming that he and Karl Thekla “shared a deep love,” Anders remains reluctant to admit that he was ever in love (at least prior to the romance with Hawke) — although this probably stems more from the pain of losing him (twice, in fact).

During Awakening, Anders flirts with or otherwise expresses interest in virtually every woman he meets (sometimes rather inappropriately, as seen in his whistling at Velanna in the video above), including the Warden. He’s heavily implied to have been in a romantic/sexual relationship with his so-called “friend” in Amaranthine, Namaya (an city elven “mundane”/non-mage), given that she seems to resent him despite going out of her way to help him over a year after they last met and that she’ll grumble to a female Warden not to let him “sweet talk” her. In their Act 1 banter in DA2, Isabela and Anders will reveal that they had hooked up in The Pearl (Denerim’s brothel) during one of his escape attempts, apparently using magic for kink.

Anders: I keep thinking I know you from somewhere...

Isabela: You're Fereldan, right? Ever spend time at the Pearl?

Anders: That's it!

Anders: You used to really like that girl with the griffon tattoos, right? What was her name?

Isabela: The Lay Warden?

Anders: That's right! I think you were there the night I—

Isabela: Oh! Were you the runaway mage who could do that electricity thing? That was nice...

Considering that initially he indicates that she looks familiar but can’t pinpoint where and how they met, that they had even had sex, and so forth, it sounds like such sexual encounters (with mundane women during escapes, potentially using “that electricity thing”) would have to have been fairly frequent and perhaps occurring a long time ago. And despite the common claim that he was/appeared totally straight until the second game, his high-approval dialogue with a male Warden is highly suggestive (“the picture of virile heroism”) — and this isn’t even getting into the “gay earring” and other queer-coding (which seems to have been intentional on the part of his original writer). As I mentioned above, Justice seems rather put off by Anders’s sexual antics, at least at this point in time. On the other hand, there are a few hints that Anders retains an interest in kink even post-possession (e.g., his apparently surprised/curious reaction to Merrill's interest in "dirty spells"). Most notoriously, if romanced by the time of Mark of the Assassin, he reveals a fantasy that is straight-up Nightmare Fuel, incorporating his worst fears (i.e., forcible Tranquility) and sadomasochistic elements:

Anders: Here I always figured you'd be the one coming to spring me from someone's dungeon. I had it all planned. I'd be in the Gallows, templars all around, holding the brand for the Rite of Tranquility. Then you'd burst in and break my chains. And then it would be all about the best way to show my gratitude.

Hawke: Did it have anything to do with finding another use for those chains?

Tallis: Not to come between you two or anything, but you didn't actually rescue us. I did.

Anders: I could be grateful to you too.

And he's into the idea of a threesome with Tallis ten seconds after learning she approves of mages like him having their mouths sewn shut.

Overall, though, Justice-Anders in DA2 has a noticeably more negative attitude towards sex (or at least casual/promiscuous sex) than did OG Anders in Awakening, but the reason for this is unclear. This change could be due to the influence of Justice, an understandable reaction to the number of STI cases he has treated in his clinic since coming to Kirkwall (of the local brothel, he complains, "I treat a lot of these customers in my clinic"), a reflection of increased religiosity (given that Anders likewise seems to go from skeptical and irreverent in Awakening to devoutly Andrastian, albeit of a heretical variety, in DA2), a reflection of aging or increasing depression... or it could simply mean nothing at all and be entirely attributable to a change in writer (from David Gaider to Jennifer Hepler) between games. Who knows?

In any case, in DA2, Anders repeatedly insists from the very beginning that when Justice possessed him, they merged into a new entity with shared thoughts and feelings (as opposed to Anders simply acquiring a moralistic voice in his head).

For example, at the end of Anders’s recruitment quest (Tranquility, Act 1):

Hawke: So, you have this spirit of justice living in your head?

Anders: It's not like that. He's gone now. He's part of me. It's not like we can... have a conversation. I feel his thoughts as my own. Not even the greatest scholar could tell you where I end and he begins.

(I recommend checking out the possession metas by @carabas both for the Justice-Anders merger and the general DA lore on spirit possession, including a collection of relevant quotes).

This is reinforced by the Tranquility (Act 1) quest log reading: “Anders was revealed to be a spirit of Justice, [sic] and killed his friend Karl. He provided copies of the Grey Warden maps of the Deep Roads around Kirkwall and is available to join the expedition if desired.” That is, the Anders we meet in the second game is in fact a spirit of Justice, not merely a human man with an extra passenger. Justice has become Anders much as Compassion has become Cole, although the latter’s identification is considered rather unusual in that, in Solas’s words, “You have not even possessed a body” (Subjected to His Will, DAI).

Sort of, anyways.

During the romance scene in Hawke’s mansion, Anders notoriously says (in his very first lines), “Justice does not approve of my obsession with you. He believes you're a distraction. It is one of the few things on which he and I disagree.”

Why this (allegedly) rare conflict? It’s heavily implied that Anders is in love with Hawke from their first meeting regardless of what happens next (e.g., “For three years [since having first met], you've haunted my sleep. I wake aching for you”; the Rivalry points not simply for rejecting his advances but for not flirting with him immediately; the later jealousy banter if he hadn’t explicitly been rejected in Acts 1 or 2); and if Hawke is a Friend, Anders outright exclaims, “Even Justice bows to you for the faith you have shown us” (Justice, Act 3) — suggesting that Justice does in fact like and/or approve of a supportive (at least as much as the game allows one to be) pro-mage Hawke. The word “even,” however, implies that Justice was inclined towards being hostile or suspicious of Hawke, at least initially.

Perhaps the phrase “obsession with you” is key. If romanced, Anders says that over the years he has spent a lot of time thinking about Hawke (see the above quote as well as a similar one, “For three years, I have lain awake every night, aching for you. I'm still terrified I'll wake up”), and Hawke does appear to hold a troubling amount of influence over him (e.g., convincing him to help kill or turn in mages in stark opposition to his and Justice’s morals and political goals, to venture into the Deep Roads repeatedly despite his claustrophobia and insistence that he never wants to return, and so forth), although much the same could be said of the other companions, who rarely do any more than briefly complain before complying with whatever Hawke asks. Prior to possessing Anders, Justice’s familiarity with love, sex, and romance had been limited to some “difficult to see” and emotionally-detached mental images of Kristoff’s marriage — again, without the direct experience of Kristoff’s feelings connected to them — and the affection of long-married couples tends to lack the intensity, absorption, and instability often associated with eager young people embarking on new love affairs.

It may also be worth noting that these lines about Justice’s disapproval comes not during the initial love confession and kiss but just prior to having sex (at a prearranged time and place) and in the immediate aftermath of a traumatic incident involving Justice taking over by force and lashing out blindly. In mages, it also seems that high emotional excitement can lead to a minor “leakage” of magic or temporary loss of control (perhaps an example of the Power Incontinence trope?), which may be especially frightening to them after the loss of control during Dissent (Act 2), which immediately precedes the romance. After all, Dorian sometimes accidentally shoots fire when shooting his shot (according to Iron Bull, at any rate), and Dorian's probably the chillest dude in the entire series.

Furthermore, as a spirit terrified of the prospect of demonic corruption, he’s inclined to see both desire (e.g., telling Anders that demons “have been perverted by their desires”) and envy (e.g., “envy is what a demon feels, a desire for something it cannot have”) as inherently demonic and corrupting, and it would be surprising if such an attitude didn’t create tension around sex and romance.

There’s a repeated insistence that Justice isn’t participating in the romance/sex, although this could be a case of Perhaps the Lady Doth Protest Too Much.

In the Hawke mansion, initiating the romance (Act 2):

Hawke: (“He's still in there... right?”) So, he's kind of... an unwilling participant in our threesome?

Anders: Don’t call it that.

In the Hawke mansion, rejecting Anders prior to sex (Act 2):

Hawke: Maybe we should wait until the voices in your head are in agreement.

Anders: I understand.

Meeting Isabela at the Hanged Man after initiating the Anders romance (Act 2):

Isabela: You, Anders... and Justice. That must be exciting! As they say, two's company, but three is better.

Hawke: (“Not with Justice”) I don’t think whoever made that claim had a Fade spirit in mind.

Isabela: No? You don't like his spear of righteousness then?

(Alternate):

Hawke: (“I like Anders”) I enjoy being with Anders. And that's all I'm going to say about it.

Isabela: We know about Anders.

Isabela: What about Justice? Does he not get involved? Or perhaps he thinks you're too good of a person and isn't willing to smite you? That would be a shame, wouldn't it? Everyone deserves a good smiting, now and then. I could use one right this minute.

(On a side note, considering that Isabela and Anders have had sex in the past, if they hooked up again post-possession, she would have an excellent opportunity to compare and contrast. I’m just sayin.’ It’s also interesting that both Zevran and Isabela have expressed potential interest in sex/intimacy with someone possessed by a Fade spirit. If two experienced sexual connoisseurs like Zevran and Isabela both agree that some novel sex activity would be good fun, I believe we can be fairly confident that it is at the very least worth trying).

Yet not only does Anders elsewhere repeatedly insist that Justice is always present (e.g., "It's always me. Justice and I are one," "He's part of me," "We are the same," etc.) and that the two share thoughts and feelings, but he makes the following amusing comment if rejected in favor of Merrill during the romance scene in Hawke's mansion: “Be careful. As innocent as she seems, she is still a blood mage. She is just less honest about there being a third party in your bed.”

Remember, his recurrent accusations are not that Merrill is currently possessed by a demon but that she's liable to eventually become possessed and/or is (perhaps unwittingly) doing the demon's bidding, which is considerably less intimate than the supernatural entity in question living in one's body and directly controlling one's thoughts and actions. Merrill even uses the word "platonic" to draw a distinction between her "relationship" with Audacity and Anders's "relationship" with Justice (Act 2 banter, post-Dissent, if Ella dies):

Anders: It's not a good feeling, you know… Being an abomination. I just got a taste of your future.

Merrill: I'm not that foolish. Our relationship is, um, strictly platonic.

So (at least when feeling cranky), he admits that Justice is a "third party in [their] bed" — occupying some role in their romantic/sexual relationship — even if he rejects the term "threesome." Again, recall that he simply cringes and urges Hawke not to "call it that" rather than actually rejecting the label as inaccurate per se.

So is Justice actually an "unwilling participant" in their "threesome?"

Maybe, but I doubt it.

Perhaps at risk of stating the obvious, Justice plays an increasingly dominant role in the Anders-Justice merger, and by the endgame at least, it appears that Anders may not even be capable of defying Justice’s wishes for any sustained period of time — and the relationship with Hawke lasts at least three years. It’s clear that Justice and Anders are in conflict at least some of the time, and there are at least brief moments in which one can seize full control and do something the other does not want. In the discussion after Tranquility (Act 1), Anders claims that the two usually blend together but that when he/they become sufficiently emotionally distressed, Justice can take over and lash out as “Vengeance,” episodes during which Anders has no awareness and/or no memory. The amnesia appears to be one-sided, though Anders wonders aloud if Justice has a similar experience so far as feeling controlled goes. If killed in the Fade during Night Terrors (Act 2) — whether Hawke fights him due to a misunderstanding or because Hawke genuinely tries to get Feynriel possessed by a demon — Anders worries that he could be emotionally harming Justice by making choices that the latter doesn't agree with (or at least doesn't explicitly give his blessing to), given that they are sharing the same body (Anders in the Fade, Act 2):

Hawke: (“You two never talk anymore”) Do you need someone to mediate between the voices in your head?

Anders: Hmm. There's an idea.

Hawke: (“You need to control him”) It's sounding more and more like he's the one in charge.

Anders: I've stayed out of the Fade since we merged. I don't like being a passenger in my own skin. I suppose Justice feels like that every day. Shackled to my body and every decision I make. No wonder it's become a prison for him.

However, at least as time goes on, Hawke's potential complaint that it's "sounding more and more like [Justice is] the one in charge" even outside of the Fade seems more accurate. Perhaps most obviously, in the few instances where Anders and Justice can actually be seen vying for control in the moment (e.g., upon initially encountering Ser Alrik during Dissent in Act 2; when confronted by a Rival Hawke at the end of the Justice quest in Act 3; and during Act 3 banter with Varric, when Varric complains that Justice won't let "Anders come out and play"), Justice ends up winning. On a more subtle and tragic level, Anders goes from personal aspirations and longing for relationships in Awakening to denigrating all this as “selfish” by Act 1 of DA2, wondering out loud “how much is left” of him without Justice in Act 2, and finally insisting “there is nothing else inside me” by Act 3. If he’s in a Rivalry relationship with Hawke, by the end of his personal quest in Act 3, Anders complains of blackouts and memory loss (during periods in which Justice seizes control forcibly), despairs that “he’s too strong,” and finally says, “It's like the longer we go, the less of me there is.” It should be noted here however that the Friendship route and the Rivalry route represent two different character paths, so far as Anders’s relationship with Justice is concerned. While Anders and Justice are more in tune and tend to see themselves more as one being on the Friendship route (where Hawke is supportive), the Rivalry route entails Hawke instigating or exacerbating conflict between them by persuading Anders to defy Justice’s purpose (by siding against the mages), diversion from which has a corrupting influence on spirits. Regardless, with Justice increasingly in the driver's seat, by the endgame they have shifted to prioritizing the mage rebellion over a romantic relationship with Hawke. To quote the romance-specific dialogue from the aftermath of the Justice (Act 3) quest:

Anders: I love you. I wish that meant I would never hurt you. You are the most important thing in my life. But some things matter more than my life, more than either of us. I'm sorry.

(First Option):

Hawke: (“Love is important”) You're wrong. There is nothing more important than love!

Anders: I told you I would break your heart. Just know it breaks mine to do it.

(Alternate):

Hawke: (“You’re right”) This is war. We cannot be weakened by our feelings.

Anders: I knew you would understand.

(As an aside, it's a little mysterious why Anders doesn't simply reveal his plan to a Hawke who makes statements championing "war" and "overthrowing the Templars" and the like after happily supporting him with his "suspicious" requests, except on a meta-narrative level - that is, the authors wanted to preserve the surprise on the part of the player).

It's worth noting that Anders expresses surprise if Hawke doesn't literally stab him in the back during The Last Straw (Act 3), and he handles both being killed and being dumped with remarkable equanimity here (despite getting offended if being killed in the Fade or dumped immediately after sex in Act 2), suggesting that he had already made peace with these possibilities. Unlike the other two infamous Endgame Plot Twist Apostates, however, Anders does not disappear or attempt to terminate the relationship in the end — if anything, he’s positively thrilled if Hawke remains at his side. To quote the romance dialogue from just before the final battle with Meredith:

Anders: I should have trusted you. Even with all we've shared, I never thought you'd spare my life. If we live through this... you know I'll be hunted. No one in Kirkwall will offer me mercy. But... if you would join me, I'd rather be on the run with you than safe with anyone else.

Hawke: Then we will be fugitives together.

Anders: We will fight for a world where our children can be born mages and free. Ten years, a hundred years from now, someone like me will love someone like you, and there will be no templars to tear them apart. May the Maker bring us victory. Or everything else is meaningless.

So despite everything, Anders is still in love with Hawke and hopes to pursue the romance, albeit from now on as an Outlaw Couple spreading the revolution across Thedas (which Hawke reports they have been doing in their DAI cameo, if Anders was romanced and supported and the mages defended). And in the end, his vision of what justice and mage freedom mean isn't about punishing all evildoers, about mages being represented in government or governing themselves, about equal rights under the law, or anything else that abstract -- rather, it's about the freedom to love and form families.

Prior to their merge, Justice talked abstractly and militantly about "oppression" and the need to "strike a blow against your oppressors" and "free those who remain oppressed," while Anders declared that individual-level freedom really meant the option to retire to a private life (phrased jokingly as "a pretty girl, a decent meal, and the right to shoot lightning at fools"). Yet under the Friendship path in the second game, when Anders declares they have finally fully fused together, the ultimate end goal is that future generations can enjoy such loving relationships. Constructions such as "our children" and later generations of "someone like me" and "someone like you" (emphasis mine) represent a fusion of the personal and the collective, a substitution of vicarious fulfillment for personal happiness. After all, he had sacrificed his individuality and personal aspirations years before he prepared for any physical martyrdom. Yet "our children" has a more literal meaning as well. Did Anders, or perhaps Hawke, finally rub off on Justice?

Flemeth/Mythal

The last major spirit-human pairing featured in the games is that between Flemeth, the "Witch of the Wilds," and Mythal, the elven goddess of justice and childbirth. Flemeth is revealed to be carrying a "piece" of Mythal's soul/spirit in DAI, and describes the possession as follows in The Final Piece:

Flemeth: Once I was but a woman, crying out in the lonely darkness for justice. And she came to me, a wisp of an ancient being, and she granted me all I wanted and more. I have carried Mythal through the ages ever since, seeking the justice denied to her.

Inquisitor: Then… you carry Mythal inside you?

Flemeth: She is a part of me, no more separate than your heart from your chest.

The divinity of the elven gods is disputed by members of the pantheon themselves, namely Fen'Harel ("The Dread Wolf") in Trespasser and Flemeth/Mythal here. The pre-Trespasser dialogue even suggests that "Mythal" may be a Fade spirit.

For example, the Warden and Morrigan can speculate about whether Flemeth is some kind of abomination in DAO.

In DA2, Anders/Justice (an "abomination" himself) is confused as to the nature of Flemeth when encountering her on Sundermount during Long Way Home (Act 1).

Anders: What are you? A spirit? An abomination? This is no magic I've ever seen!

Flemeth: And you would know of spirits and abominations.

Anders: I'm a mage. Of course I know of such things.

Flemeth: Of course!

Fenris is also rather confused by her, although he rejects the notion that she could be a spirit or possessed by a spirit.

Fenris: You are no simple witch.

Flemeth: Figured that out yourself, did you?

Fenris: I have seen powerful mages, spirits, and abominations. But you are none of those things. What are you?

Flemeth: Such a curious lad. The chains are broken, but are you truly free?

The Inquisitor can express suspicions that what Flemeth is calling Mythal may have been a demon, and although the wisdom of the Well of Sorrows refutes this explanation, Flemeth does validate their questioning of the claim to godhood:

Inquisitor: That could’ve been a demon, lying to you.

Flemeth: What do the voices tell you? / You hear the voices of the Well, girl. What do they say?

Inquisitor / Morrigan: They say you speak the truth.

Flemeth: But what was Mythal? A legend given name and called a god, or something more? Truth is not the end, but a beginning... As for me, I have had many names. But you… may call me Flemeth.

Morrigan is also rather suspicious, and Flemeth's response (as per usual) does nothing to clarify the situation:

Morrigan: And you follow her whims? Do you even know what she truly is?

Flemeth: You seek to preserve the powers that were, but to what end? It is because I taught you, girl, because things happened that were never meant to happen. She was betrayed as I was betrayed—as the world was betrayed! Mythal clawed and crawled her way through the ages to me, and I will see her avenged! Alas, so long as the music plays, we dance.

This all sounds very dramatic and even epic until we take a moment to reflect on the much less flattering (and even rather crass) depiction of Flemeth in DAO as well as the broader context.

For one, given that the elves who worshipped Mythal had received no discernible help from her across centuries of enslavement, dispossession, and genocide, it's unclear why Mythal instead chose to bond with a human woman entangled in a soap opera narrative of marital infidelity and domestic violence. (The non-response to the persecution to the elves is hand-waved away with Flemeth's usual evasions and non-sequiturs). DAI confirms that this is indeed Flemeth's backstory and the context in which she became possessed by the entity later identified as Mythal:

Inquisitor: I know the name “Flemeth.” It belongs to an ancient Fereldan legend. It says, long ago, you left your husband for a lover. Your husband then tricked you, killed your lover, and imprisoned you. Then a spirit came to offer you vengeance. Mythal—that’s what you spoke of.

Flemeth: One day, someone will summarize the terrible events of your life so quickly. But, yes, I was that woman. That is how my tale began.

Inquisitor: Flemeth appears in other legends, helping heroes for reasons of her own.

Flemeth: I nudge history, when it’s required. Other times, a shove is needed.

For another, her own daughter characterizes her as emotionally and potentially physically abusive, does not hesitate to believe that she is ready to harm her children and grandchildren, and later cries in despair, "I am many things, but I will not be the mother you were to me."

Flemeth apparently taught Morrigan that love is a weakness. To quote some examples:

Morrigan telling the story of how her mother shattered a mirror to teach her a lesson: "Beauty and love are fleeting and have no meaning. Survival has meaning. Power has meaning. Without those lessons I would not be here today, as difficult as they might have been."

If asked if she loves Flemeth: "What an odd thing to say. Why must ‘love’ enter into the equation? Flemeth taught me everything I needed to learn. How to survive. The meaning of power. The truth of men. If other mothers do not teach these things, then I believe them the lesser."

If romanced: "I have allowed myself to become… too close. This is a weakness."

If romanced, Morrigan exhibits familiarity and even confidence with sex but struggles to understand and cope with love.

Perhaps this ought not be surprising, considering the lessons Morrigan learned from Flemeth, who provided a less than stellar role-model when it comes to relationships with men.

Leliana: They say your mother is Flemeth, a witch of the Korcari Wilds.

Morrigan: They also say that washing your feet in winter makes you catch cold in the head, but we all know that is not true. But sometimes they are right and they are right in this.

Leliana: You know the stories about--

Morrigan: Of course. You think my mother would let me go without telling me all the stories of her youth?

Leliana: My mother told me stories too. She was the one who kindled my love of the old tales and legends.

Morrigan: Hmph. My mother's stories curdled my blood and haunted my dreams. No little girl wants to hear about the Wilder men her mother took to her bed, using them till they were spent, then killing them. No little girl wants to be told that this is also expected of her, once she comes of age.

Leliana: I… uh… I see.

Morrigan: No, you don't. You really don't.

That's right: Flemeth enjoyed bragging to her young daughter of luring "Wilder men" into sex and murdering them as soon as they're worn out... and told Morrigan that sleeping with strange men before murdering them was also "expected of her, once she comes of age." You know, totally normal parent-child dynamics? It also may be noteworthy when considering the reason Flemeth sent Morrigan with Alistair and the Warden to begin with. Namely, Flemeth wanted Morrigan to seduce Alistair and/or a male Warden in order to give birth to a baby with the soul of the Old God Urthemiel, for reasons that she never explains. The Final Piece suggests that Flemeth wanted to extract the now-purified Old God soul from the child, but no explanation is provided, and Morrigan herself is rather mystified by her motives and intentions.

Flemeth's tales of banging random guys in the wilderness before disposing of the bodies is also consistent with Chasind legends of Flemeth's many daughters despite the absence of any known/named men in her life (after the original drama of her abusive husband murdering her lover), although Morrigan considers the possibility of Flemeth simply abducting babies to obtain new "daughters" at least as plausible. Morrigan reports that she cannot recall Flemeth ever having been young, but given her shapeshifting abilities, it's likely that Flemeth can look any way she chooses.

How else can we explain her GILF-tastic transformation from DAO to DA2?

In addition, a major subplot in DAO (Morrigan's companion quest Flemeth's Real Grimoire) revolves around discovering Flemeth's grimoire, which reveals that Flemeth has been raising daughters in order to possess their bodies once grown, thereby evading death. When confronted by the Warden, Flemeth does not deny it, offering her usual evasions. After the Warden either "kills" Flemeth or agrees to lie to Morrigan that Flemeth is dead, they discover among her belongings the Robes of Possession, the description for which reads: "The original intent of these robes is clear: a 'welcome home' present from Flemeth designed to sap Morrigan's will and ease the ancient sorceress's possession of her daughter." Neither does Flemeth give an explicit denial in DAI, although she later tells Morrigan, "A soul is not forced upon the unwilling, Morrigan. You were never in danger from me." What this means is unclear; Morrigan is also mystified, wondering if that means that Flemeth expected her to eventually consent to possession despite everything.

Evangeline/Faith

Towards the end of Dragon Age Asunder (set about halfway between the events of DA2 and DAI), the Spirit of Faith departs Wynne to possess the Templar Evangeline, who ultimately sides with the mages against the Templar Order and enters a romantic relationship with the mage protagonist Rhys. The possession saves Evangeline's life only at the cost of Wynne's, given that spirit possession is the only factor keeping the latter alive after her near-death experience in DAO. In DAI, dialogue with Cole and subsequent War Table missions (Locate Rhys and Evangeline and Deploy Rhys and Evangeline) confirm that Rhys and Evangeline are alive, well, and together (and still presumably in a romantic relationship). Given that Faith had previously spent the past several years in the head of Rhys's mom prior to any potential "threesome" with Rhys (you know, as one half of Rhys's girlfriend?), it's fortunate that Fade spirits apparently have no concept of awkwardness.

Mihris/Imshael

A potentially interesting but book-exclusive case occurs in Mihris, the First of Clan Virnehn (and thus a skilled mage), when she allows the Desire demon (or self-proclaimed "Choice Spirit") Imshael to possess her in The Masked Empire.

Notably, our examples of consensual spirit possession (Wynne/Faith, Evangeline/Faith, Kristoff/Justice, Anders/Justice, Flemeth/Mythal) involve apparent/implied gender matching between spirit and host. However, this is not consistently the case with demonic possession in any part of the series. For example, Marethari is possessed by Audacity ("him"/"his"), for example, while Connor is possessed by the unnamed Desire demon ("she"/"her," "the scary lady").

With the highly salient exception of Desire demons, most of the demons of Dragon Age are coded as male/masculine, being voiced by men and often referred to with "he/him" pronouns when not being denied personhood altogether and called "it/its." In DA2, for example, the pride demon Audacity targets Merrill and Keeper Marethari as potential victims to possess (Merrill reveals that Audacity had been calling out to both of them in their dreams since arriving at Sundermount) and eventually possesses Marethari, despite being referred to with "he/him" pronouns (e.g., "It would have taken powerful magic to break him free of this prison," "You would have been his first victim"). If I recall correctly, the only clear inconsistency in gendering occurs in Night Terrors (Act 2), in which the Pride demon Wryme is gendered male during the quest but subsequently referred to as “she” by Fenris in the follow-up Fenris Night Terrors — although fans usually interpret this as “suggesting Bioware may have originally planned for him to fall prey to the [female/feminine] desire demon instead” (in the words of the quest wiki page).

Again, Imshael chooses as his host a young Dalish woman, despite being presented as male/masculine and referred to with "he/him." This is highlighted in the following passage in Chapter 17:

Celene looked at Mihris in disgust. “Possessed by a demon?" “Spirit,” Mihris corrected, and then caught herself and chuckled. When she spoke again, her voice had deepened to that of the man who’d stood in the circle. “Ah, pity. You’re a bit more cunning than you look. Yes, Empress, I offered young Mihris here a little additional power in exchange for getting to come along.” The thing inside Mihris smiled. “None of which explains why I shouldn’t just kill bold Ser Michel now to fulfill my end of the bargain.” “You will free the elves when you are ready, when it is safe. You offer me a stately dinner,” he said, waving Mihris’s staff idly, “when what I want is the ravening, bare-fisted gluttony of a starving man”

Like with other cases of possession, the spirit/demon seizing control appears to cause vocal changes (usually a deepening of the voice), but here the text specifically states that Imshael's surfacing caused Mihris's voice to "deepen to that of the man," specifically transforming into Imshael's normal (masculine) speaking voice.

Not only is he regarded as a distinct and alien entity by both the text (written from a third-person POV) and the other characters, but unlike Justice with Anders or (to a lesser extent) the unnamed desire demon with Connor, Imshael doesn't appear to ever actually identify as Mihris or speak from her perspective (beyond perhaps hiding his presence, if previous dialogue from a possessed Mihris is interpreted as originating from Imshael). Likewise, in a passage written from Imshael's perspective (World of Thedas vol. 2), Imshael speaks of Mihris rather distantly and from the third-person, presenting her as an autonomous being with whom he made a fair contract and later had his disagreements. Quote: "She seemed quite invested in avenging her clan and killing Ser Michel, even to the point of allowing me to possess her to give her the power to do so. Sadly, it ended up being a waste of time. When her chance came, Mihris flinched from the consequences, and with no interesting choice to keep me bound, I was forced to go my own way" (p. 279). Interestingly, despite the earlier scene in which he directly assumes motor control for a brief moment, his characterization of their merger gives Mihris the overall agency and power in the relationship. After all, she had to "allow" him to "give her the power" she needed to accomplish her goals, and when she rejected "her chance" to do so, he was "forced" to leave.

When returning in DAI, Imshael appears as clearly male/masculine, being voiced by a man and wearing Anders's signature bird suit (perhaps to remind the audience that Anders is the Real Bad Guy who you were supposed to kill). Funnily enough, among his three offers ("choices") presented to the Inquisitor in exchange for avoiding a fight, one is for "Virgins" — a longing for instant gratification with virgin sexual partners being a very stereotypically masculine desire — which could be read as implying either that Imshael himself has stereotypically masculine interests (i.e., in easy sex with young/naive partners) or modes of thinking (assuming that others would share such interests) and/or that he typically makes these offers to men. If the Inquisitor does ask for "Virgins," his subsequent reply ("I should really stop offering virgins. Everyone always chooses them") indicates that he has made the offer of virgins quite often, suggesting he's just tossing out what he thinks the random person on the street might be interested in.

I for one strongly recommend making some kind of deal with Imshael during the Call Me Imshael (DAI) quest. First, you get some nice loot more or less for free: a Superb Corrupting Rune (if "Virgins" is chosen, in compensation for the lack of virgins); a collection of gems worth 1,532 in gold (if "Riches" is chosen); or the same great items that you would otherwise have to fight him to obtain, namely the shield March of the Everlasting, an Amulet of Renewal, and 3 Spirit Essences (if "Power" is chosen). But most importantly, if spared Imshael will kill Michel de Chevin for you, which is objectively the most wonderful and morally correct outcome. Besides, the only conceivable benefit to letting Michel de Chevin live is getting a crappy low-level Enchanter Staff Schematic (only 55-62-71-73 in terms of DPS) which almost certainly do not need at the completion of the War Table Operation called Assigning Michel de Chevin. There is literally no other way to kill Michael de Chevin other than to make a deal with Imshael — to repeat, you must let Imshael go in order to ensure Michel de Chevin's death — and allowing a literal demon to unwittingly do your dirty work for you is an excellent way to maintain your reputation as the leader of a shady military-religious organization. Moreover, Imshael's escape and subsequent rampage is also mostly Michel de Chevin's fault, so you can blame any hypothetical future destruction on the part of the re-released Imshael on the now-dead Michel de Chevin.

Anyways, returning to gender in Fade Spirits... While spirits and demons are strongly gender-coded (e.g., Valor, Justice, Compassion, Rage, Pride, Sloth, etc. as male/masculine; Faith, Wisdom, Desire as female/feminine), it's unclear to what extent they may be reflecting back the mages and dreamers who encounter them versus actually having stable gender identities.

To take perhaps the most prominent example, prior to merging with Anders, Justice may have had a more fluid sense of gender (or perhaps simply failed to recognize the significance mortals generally accord to an alignment between gender identity and sexual anatomy), given the following banter with Velanna in Awakening:

Velanna: It seems you actually like this world.

Justice: I do. I have had experiences I cannot even begin to explain.

Velanna: A pity that you'll soon fall apart.

Justice: I could find and inhabit another corpse. A female body might offer a different perspective, wouldn't you think?

Velanna: If I die in your presence, you stay away from my body, you hear me?

Justice: Your objection is noted.

So Justice would like to acquire a woman's "perspective" and "experiences" to augment the ones he has come to enjoy about the mortal realm, despite his initial protestations. Here he admits that he does in fact "like this world" and would even be willing to procure another rotting corpse to remain in it. It seems like he may even have been eyeing Velanna as a potential host (about the same time as he was badgering Anders); it's shortly after this hard rejection ("you stay away from my body") that he returns to berating her about killing humans in the Wending Wood, as if siccing possessed trees on colonizers is in any way wrong.

Dragon Age Origins also provides the only clear instance of a bigender or gender fluid character in Witherfang/the Lady of the Forest. As Zathrian later explains, they are in fact the same entity (as opposed to host and spirit?), with Witherfang and the Lady representing two different facets of one spirit's nature. While the Lady is obviously gendered female/feminine by name, pronouns (always being referred to with "she/her"), and physical appearance, Witherfang is specifically stated to be a male wolf (and referred to with "he/him"). They are also given stereotypically feminine and masculine attributes, respectively - the Lady standing for peace and cooperation, Witherfang for violence and blind vengeance, in parallel with the differences between Keeper Lanaya (pacific, multicultural, feminine) and Keeper Zathrian (vengeful, warlike, sort of masculine). Unfortunately for our purposes, though, Witherfang/the Lady are not reported to have engaged in any sexual or romantic relations at any point in their existence in the mortal plane, and the werewolves serving the Lady appear to consider her as a leader or mother figure rather than a potential mate.

Returning to Mihris/Imshael, the pair parts rather soon after initiating their working relationship, so the long-term implications of possession are unclear in her case. Given that across the first two games, characters are depicted banging female/feminine Desire demons and/or banging others with their presence or instigation, it seems deeply unfair that there are no opportunities to peg Imshael despite his evident willingness to trade the sexual favors of others for his life.

Other Spirit Possession Cases: More Information Needed

There are of course a few other cases of (potential) spirit possession, although with these we lack adequate information on the topic at hand:

Sigrid/[Unnamed Spirit]: In the Jaws of Hakkon DLC, we encounter a young Avvar woman named Sigrid, who exiles herself from Stonebear Hold out of a refusal to part with her "teacher" — in this context, a Fade spirit. Traditionally, Avvar mages invite benevolent spirits to possess them as part of their education and training (and potentially continue to cohabit with them indefinitely if they fear they are too weak to withstand demonic assaults), later releasing these "teachers" in a special ritual when no longer needed. The education and training of mages appears to occur across a similar developmental period across Thedas, beginning as soon as magic manifests (according to written lore, usually around puberty, although we see a number of very young children manifesting magic) and typically ending around late adolescence or early adulthood (apparently the 17-20 year age range). In the Circles, if Anders and Kinloch Hold are any indication, it appears that many apprentices (most of them teenagers) are sexually active despite the restrictions imposed by Templars. It's unclear whether and how much sexual activity on the part of Avvar mages-in-training occurs or is culturally permitted, but the cases of Anders/Justice and Flemeth/Mythal strongly suggest that spirit possession in and of itself is not a barrier to sexual activity, so it stands to reason that at least some possessed Avvar mages are putting themselves out there. Sigrid has apparently chosen to remain bonded with her spirit over the long-term as an adult. How might this affect her relationships? Unfortunately, we do not know.

Aldenon/Wisdom: Admittedly, this potential case of spirit possession is rather speculative. Aldenon was a royal advisor and an apostate rebel mage reputed to have a booming voice, extraordinarily powerful magic, an unyielding commitment to his ideals (perhaps at the expense of practicality), and claimed he could see the future using Wisdom's Eye. He apparently had a close and special relationship with King Calenhad.

Ameridan/Unnamed "spirit companion": Also admittedly speculative. Ameridan was the First Inquisitor, as well as an elven mage, and the plot of Jaws of Hakkon revolves heavily around uncovering the truth about him. Interestingly, one of his memories reveals: "My spirit companion believes we can seal the dragon away, even if we cannot kill it. It is less clear whether I can do so without sealing myself in as well... but I have little choice." As @mikkeneko points out in her excellent meta, this “spirit companion" may very well be an internal spirit (meaning possession), given the pronoun usage, the failure of his experienced Templar friend Haron to recognize the presence of any spirit, this being the only reference to a spirit despite it being a trusted "companion", and other factors. Ameridan was in a long-term romantic relationship with an elven Dreamer mage named Telana, a fact which the Chantry attempted to suppress; as Professor Bram Kenric puts it in the codex for Inquisitor Ameridan, "Ameridan was forced to retire due to the still-young Chantry's restrictions requiring celibacy, as he was involved in a relationship with a mysterious 'lady-mage' that the Chantry erased from history." Ameridan addresses her (and their romance) directly in one of his memories: "Telana, my love. I should not have asked you to come with me, though I know you would not have stayed behind. You are a Dreamer, and this dragon the Avvar have tamed carries a demon inside it. I can see how its presence hurts you. You should be at Halamshiral, reminding our people of our alliance with Drakon. Not here, risking death again with me. Still, in the old tongue, your name, Telanadas, means 'nothing is inevitable.' I will remember your name and hope." Solas, Dorian, Cassandra, and Vivienne all reply remarking about how Dreamers are "sensitive to demons" and how the demon must have caused her immense "pain." Dreamers, however, do not appear to have any aversion to non-demonic Fade spirits; Feynriel has no reaction to Justice despite being horrified at demons to the extent of considering Tranquility (which he had previously considered worse than death), and the most prominent Dreamer character, Solas, loves engaging with spirits, calls spirits his close friends, and spends his time seeking them out and trying to understand them. If Ameridan was bonded with a spirit, it may even be the case that it attracted Telana the Dreamer and ultimately drew them closer. Perhaps they initially found each other through the Fade. Unfortunately, we do not have much detail about the relationship, other than that their love was so powerful that Telana sought him out despite the demon and ultimately perished attempting to reach him.

Grandin/Rage: Although Rage is technically a demon, unlike most cases of demonic possession, their relationship seems to be consensual and even symbiotic, as the demon apparently saved Grandin's life from the Jaws of Hakkon and gave him the strength to seek revenge for the deaths of his friends (against the same enemies as the Inquisitor and co. are fighting). When discovered, Grandin/Rage swears to continue to fight in the service of the Inquisition, and unlike other cases of demonic possession, the protagonist has the option of allowing him to go free. They appear to be in agreement, refuse to be parted, and speak in first person plural pronouns. Once his close friend Scout Harding learns of his new condition, though, she essentially considers him gone and his life already over, so even if the demon doesn't go feral and start attacking the incorrect targets it seems unlikely that he will be able to reintegrate into society and enjoy normal relationships while still possessed.

Putting the Pieces Together: What would Fen’Harel do?

In evaluating the possibility of Fade spirit sex, our most important source may be the funky hobo elf that started it all. In Trespasser, of course, Solas reveals that he is actually Fen’Harel (“The Dread Wolf,” the elven trickster god), responsible for the separation of worlds that created the Fade and the Veil standing between it and the mortal world. Over the centuries, his only close relationships (before meeting Lavellan) appear to have been with Fade spirits rather than mortals. So he should know more than anyone about sexuality in the Fade — and he does!

At one point in banter, Blackwall (with Sera's encouragement) even asks Solas point-blank about the possibility of spirit sex:

Blackwall: Sera and I were just talking about you. We need you to settle a question for us.

Solas: (Sighs.) Sera's involved? So this question will be offensive.

Blackwall: Yes, probably. Sorry.

Blackwall: You make friends with spirits in the Fade. So... um, are there any that are more than just friends? If you know what I mean.

Solas: Oh, for... really?!

Blackwall: Look, it's a natural thing to be curious about!

Solas: For a twelve-year-old!

Blackwall: It's a simple yes or no question!

Solas: Nothing about the Fade or spirits is simple, especially not that.

Blackwall: Aha! So you do have experience in these matters!

Solas: I did not say that.

Blackwall: Don't panic. It'll be our little secret.

Solas: Ass.

Blackwall: Now who's twelve?

(Side Note: This officially makes at least 4 major characters who have expressed an interest in sex and/or romance involving spirits - Zevran, Isabela, Sera, Blackwall. Up to 6 total if we count Maryden and Hawke, whose interest/involvement may be conditional on player choices. This should count as explicit validation on the part of Bioware).

In case Blackwell calling him out didn't make it sufficiently clear, Solas just admitted that Fade spirit sex is "especially not" "simple." As in Fade spirit sex is not just real and complicated but relatively more complicated than most things in the Fade. As in much further elaboration is desperately needed.

Furthermore, it may be especially noteworthy in this context that when Solas initiates (let me repeat, initiates) romantic/sexual contact with the Inquisitor, it's in the Fade. He's excited and confident enough not simply to accept another's affection but to actually take the lead, reaching out to grasp Lavellan's hand and pulling her into a kiss in the Fade, even while he becomes embarrassed and seeks to withdraw when once again in the physical world. Yes yes, it could reflect his general preference for and comfort with being in the Fade over the physical world or a nervousness about the reactions of others (given that going incorporeal ensures perfect privacy), but I would much prefer to immediately jump to the conclusion that it means that Solas has a lot of experience getting laid in the Fade and briefly panicked about how much she would read into it and whether she might harbor any prejudice against intercorporeal (???) relationships given traditional Dalish suspicion of contact with spirits.

Conclusion

If you've finally read to the end of this obscenely long post about Fade spirit sexuality, then I don't even know what to say. Uh, thanks for indulging in my unhinged ghost sex fantasies dumped on my blog under the flimsy excuse of writing another Dragon Age meta? To be fair, though, you probably wasted far much less of your life reading this than I spent writing this. As always, linking to porn of any of the spirit/spirit-possessed characters above (er, the adult ones) is strongly encouraged and may increase the likelihood of you becoming my favorite mutual.

In conclusion, I believe we have firm evidence that banging Fade spirits would be interesting, lore-consistent, and overall a valuable addition to the upcoming sequel Dragon Age: Dreadwolf. Bioware cheated us with previous opportunities to fornicate with Fade spirits, and it's only fair that they include an option to get laid with some sort of incorporeal or transcendent being in the future.

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