#im feeling so... numb
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12 Days of TDP #1
What TDP means to me
I just noticed I never did this one so now that S7 is out it's a good time! I'm gonna talk about TDP and the fandom here since they are so important to me. Ignore this if you don't care at all about my little venting lmao:
A bit of story, I found out about TDP back when it was announced with the cool first poster, I didn't get into the series because I was busy with studies but when the show launched the second season my friend told me "hey this series is super good and there's a great ship" I knew right away the ship was rayllum lmao. I had to wait four or five months for S3 and I spoiled myself about the finale because it stressed me haha. When TTM came out I spoiled myself on instagram and had the worst week ever, no therapy will ever make that book okay.
I checked weekly about the date announcement while I got hyperfixated in another series from 2020 to 2022 just when S4 was going to air! I didn't check social media much so I wasn't updated about new info or content like BMH until the announcement of the launching date, the trailer, new designs, etc. I really enjoyed S4 and was excited for more! I missed the characters so much and I was so excited about the next seasons, I found out that there was actual good content on tumblr some weeks after S4, YouTube was the only place I was looking for stuff and that wasn't doing very well for me, I was a bit scared of tumblr over past experiences in fandom but oh wow the TDP fandom was actually cool!?
I found out about all the antics from the hiatus and the ideas and headcanons were so interesting! I got interested in reading or writing fics for the first time of my life so I got entertained while waiting for new content. I stalked posts but I only posted some art and didn't start really posting until a bit before S5 was out and oh well I and couldn't stop.
I have to say that this has been the most enjoyable fandom and fandom time I have ever been in. I have made online friends and have had so much fun, on top of that my art has improved a lot drawing TDP, the support it gets fills me with joy.
TDP is such a good series and it makes me so happy (I say this as I actually get emo over every season), rayllum is my absolutely fav romance ever and just writing or drawing or just talking about them makes my day. I love these characters and it has been so cool seeing them grow, I can't wait to see more about them.
Now with the sad part, I'm... scared? of things changing. Maybe my hyperfixation going away, to think about not liking rayllum or tdp as much in the future or the concept of them not bringing me joy. I highly doubt it because I have loved this series for 5 years now, my hyperfixation peaked with S4 and it hasn't waned ever since, not even with the one year hiatus from S4 to S5 I'm also very excited to see what the people come up in the big hiatus between S7 and S8, it will be so fun, I wasn't in the hiatus the first time and I regret it.
But at the same time, it makes me sad people leaving. Scared of me standing here alone with other one or two people, maybe even the mutuals or people I'm following disappearing or moving on. I know this is something that happens to fandoms all the time, and even if a series ends you are the one choosing to keep it alive or not but it's still concerning. I know it sound silly to get so emotional over this but as someone with high probabilities of autism, I have a hard time with social relationships or overall just living. But TDP and the fandom content makes me happy, the feeling of not fitting in is not as strong here with you all and having all of that taken away makes me sad. I haven't found another series that has caught my interest as much and I doubt I will anytime soon since TDP and Rayllum have everything I love, fandoms are also not as cool out there. I'm happy that I'm confident I will be here for a long time but at the same time is... scary. Change is scary and I have been feeling uneasy and irritated for a while now, even before S7 aired.
I'm gonna be here for a while, I'm gonna be here when Arc 3 and I can't wait to share with all of you. I'm sorry if this got too personal but I needed to vent.
Let's fight for Arc 3 and keep keeping amazing content together!
Finishing with shocked Rayla for the soul!
#12daysofTDP#honestly this doesnt explain well my conflicted feelings#im feeling so... numb#TDPS7#The Dragon Prince#tdp#personal#continue the saga#give us the saga
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on a completely separate note; shizun luo binghe with a disciple shen yuan who fell into the abyss??? *thinks about LBH canonically stealing SQQ's corpse for 5 years* he'd hallucinate i think. like, like visual and audial hallucinations.
Keeps thinking he's seeing SQQ in the corner of his eyes, or wandering between the trees, amongst a group of disciples. Thinks he hears him calling for him, but its just the wind or another disciple.
Gets Xiu Ya reforged but patently fucking refuses to make a sword mound. Because his disciple Is Not Dead :))) There was No Body. He's Not Dead. And If You keep Insisting That He Is, He's Gonna Skewer You :). He's holding onto Xiu Ya so he can return his most favored disciple's sword when he returns. It's on his hip right next to Zheng Yang where it's supposed to be.
Also this motherfucker?? does not sleep btw. He has the image of SQQ, wide eyed and hysterical and standing at the mouth of the abyss burned into his fucking eyelids. Can't use the dreamscape to escape it either because he keeps trying to save him and either he does and it's an incredibly cruel trick to wake up to, or he doesn't and he gets his heart broken in several different pieces again.
There is no convincing this man that Shen Qingqiu is dead. Absolutely nothing at all. He is buried so deep in denial that moles would be jealous of how deep he is. He keeps making tea for two in the bamboo house only to remember that it's just him. SQQ's fans are hiding everywhere, little reminders of his presence. He goes to wake up SQQ on the mornings he sleeps in-- only to find the room empty.
#svsss#luo binghe#svsss au#scum villain#scum villian self saving system#shen yuan#shen qingqiu#disciple shen yuan#lbh. visibly exhausted and with twitchy eyes: im fine :) | everyone else: ho no the fuck you ARENT.#SQQ was hysterical not because he found out LBH was half-demon but bc he was having a long-awaited mental breakdown over his autonomy :)#or (limited) lack thereof. he was having a sudden onset crisis of mortality and was handling at quite literally the WORST time. oops#im thinking very hard that LBH would never push his disciple into the abyss especially with no system to force him to. so SQQ either#had to goad him into it (failing always) or throw himself in. he ended up doing it himself but not before some very impressive hysterics.#BUT ALSO. IF THIS HAD BEEN WHERE SQQ WAS THE HALF-HEAVENLY DEMON INSTEAD IT WOULD'VE BEEN SO GREAT.#and by great i mean horribly angsty bc SQQ is NOT doing too hot and has. in very SY-like fashion. convinced himself that LBH will kill him#when he finds out he's a demon. so when it comes out i have this mental image of him lunging at LBH and LBH flinches back. but SQQ wraps hi#hands around the blade of Zheng Yang and yanks it up so the tip of the blade is digging into his chest where is heart is. LBH can't yank th#sword away without risking slicing into SQQ's hands. SQQ's hair has fallen out of its tail/bun and is now messily spilling down his#back and its NO helping the kinda deranged look he has going on. he's visibly shaking and his eyes keep flittering away and back at LBH's#face. SQQ is looking at the messages from the system warning him that he has to go into the abyss or punishment will occur. he's like.#rambling though. talking about how shizun doesn't *like* unclean things and there is nothing more unclean than a demon. like he is#INSISTING. LBH can't?? get a fucking word in. actually. SY isn't listening that much either anyways. too overwhelmed with the system and#the amount of stress he's under and his crumbling mental state and the innate and primal desire to live even when he's standing in front of#his own executioner. it all ends with him sitting on the ground at the lip of the abyss with his hair falling in his face. he looks so#unkempt and fallen apart and so distinctly *non-Shen Qingqiu* that LBH feels physically ill over it. tears are streaming down SQQ's face#and despite everything he is smiling. its not a nice smile. its a very frayed falling apart at the seams about to crack smile.#he tells shizun not to worry about staining his blade with this disciple's filthy blood because this disciple will take care of it himself.#and then he falls into the abyss before luo binghe can so much as grab him. the only reason LBh doesn't literally jump in after him is bc#he was numb with shock and the abyss was already closed before he could feel his legs again :]
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same shape. new stuffing. (turn it around)
based on keferon’s empurata prowl au
#transformers#maccadam#prowl#empurata prowl#i honestly tried#at first i thought i would write a psychodelic fic about jazz slowly deepening into the world of illusions where prowl is still same old bro#but i start feeling numb every time my fingers touch the keyboard#so not today#anyway im enjoying this au and what people are doing with it
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but if he knows that you know that you know that he knows that he knows that you know that you
#pinescone#over the garden wall#gravity falls#otgw#my art#so this idea is stuck in my head#mabel is stuck in the unknown (maybe she almost died and is in a coma idk) and dipper makes a deal with bill to reach her and help her out#/this will have consequences/#and so he is wandering around when he bumps into beast!wirt#and somehow neither the beast nor bill recognize e/o they just know this other kid kinda weird#kinda sus kinda We-Need-To-Kill-Him-Piney/GET-HIM-OUT-WIRT#anyways since im making both the beast and bill are backseating dipper sees a chance to find mabel#meanwhile wirt is numb enough to just#idc ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ just dont get in my way#but dipper´s story kinda resonates with him so he tries to help him out#and they have shenaningans idk i just think itd be hilarious for both of them to be constantly on their heads fighthing their own demons#literally#without knowing they’re both posessed lmao#also idk they crush on each other and get a whole mutual pining arc bc bill and the beast dealing with teenage feelings is just funny to me
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i was too much. I stopped feeling. I became too little
#targeted#bpd#bpd stuff#bpd thoughts#bpd mood#bpd shit#bpd blog#bpd problems#bpd traits#bpd feels#bpd fp#fp bpd#bpd vent#actually bpd#bpd safe#borderline problems#borderline blog#borderline thoughts#actually borderline#cluster b#actually cluster b#cluster b safe#actually mentally ill#mentally fucked#mentally exhausted#im so tired#vent#venting#numbness#.txt file
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So distraught about last night I might have to put Mari on my ofrenda this year fr

#yellowjackets#yellowjackets season 3#mari ibarra#Im taking this way harder than I should#I just stopped crying and am highkey numb rn#it rly feels like a family memeber passed#we needed a flashback of her xv I’m being so fr#shauna shipman#taissa turner#van palmer#misty quigley#travis martinez#natalie scatorccio#jackie taylor#akilah yellowjackets#MY LATINOJACKETS#MI GENTE LATINO
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He's practically melting but he doesn't have the heart to move them
#noise's arm is going to be completely numb when he wakes up i just know it#straight up not gonna feel it for hours#someone said peppinoisecoupletavo in a reblog so im using that from now on thank you#klowndraws#my art#doodle tag#pizza tower#pizza tower fanart#peppino#peppino spaghetti#the noise#noisette#gustavo#pizza tower gustavo#peppinoise#noisecouple#peppino x gustavo#peppinoisecoupletavo#also wanna call them pizza poly teehee#pizza poly
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good news: turns out I don’t have permanent nerve damage (or any) in my arms (even though I was told by multiple healthcare professionals that it was most likely that I did)
bad news: they now do not know what is wrong with me 👍
#Tw medical#anyway i guess it’s NOT thoracic outlet (like I was told :/)#Was told today that it’s most likely my brain perceiving pain that’s not there. Which is. Cool I guess.#Like thanks I’m glad that it’s not real or anything that doesn’t mean I can’t physically feel it#But okay#anyway#the dr was nice and he knew what he was talking about#I got zapped with electricity and it made my hands move :3 and it was supposed to be painful but it wasn’t so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#anywayyy#emu’s ailments#Im all good but#:/#just kinda annoying I don’t know what’s wrong or how to fix it#Like right now my arms are literally half numb and yet aparently I’m completely fine and healthy :/#so idk ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#emu rambles
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it doesnt need to be said but its genuinely so funny how at-the-hip charles and erik are in krakoa like they really had the green light- the OBLIGATION- to be as obnoxiously close to each other as possible and abused that right to the fullest extent
#xmen#xmen comic#krakoa#cherik#snap chats#until the divorce of course but until then its actually so funny#how you really couldnt go a page or two without one or the other and the other one was close behind#ice climber ass duo over here. the delightful children from down the lane kind of proximity what the fuck was their PROBLEM#i feel like if one of them was teleported the other would just materialize right next to them thats how close they were#fuuuck what was the issue where sabretooth and co are in like. Brain Prison or something#and victor imagines charles but everyones like 'wait its weird if its just him where's magneto'#ITS SO FUCKING FUNNY and i NEED to know what issue that was .... to add it to my collection ....#also killed me how in immoral x-men issue 1 charles was yappin bout erik bein gone#and- God Bless Who i forget i think it was hope- was just 'can you please shut up about your dead boyfriend im begging you'#moira stronger than me if i had to deal with thing 1 and thing 2 on a daily basis i woulda snapped sooner frankly#ig when you live ten times through The Most Bullshit ever youre numb to most things but still. my god theyre so obnoxious#sorry im cackling at the bit in HoX where charles is about to announce krakoa to the world and erik's putting his hand on his shoulder#and you justs see moira in the back like dawgggg right in front of her .... can you two get a room#GENUINELY no im GENUINELY surprised they dont share a bedroom#im not even talking sharing a bed im taking my shipper goggles off im actually baffled they dont sleep in the same building#obvi id be lyin if i said i didnt love it tho To Be Real .. genuinely love seein them work together as a team .. until they werent </3#in every timeline they WILL divorce each other that's just the rule. actual canon event it cannot be changed or stopped its integral#ok ramble over. but not really not in spirit cause ill never be over this ill die before i am#im gonna go eat now i think i think thats something i As A Human has to do at least once a day
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I dunno how I feel about this design but I decided to put out anyways
ofcourse a hotrodz art wouldn't be complete without having porter topless
#art#I feel so numb aaaa#idk if I like it or not its 1am and im sleep deprived lol#clothes were a pain in the ass never again jk#porter solaire#redacted porter#redacted audio#redactedverse#boyfriend asmr#vampire boyfriend#hotrodz#edit: omg im so sorry the red is so saturated 😭😭😭
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Yall r not gonna believe this- workin on a lil smth for the SCRUMPTIOUZ YUMMY @artepti LLR AU MMMMM IM GONNA RAVAGE THEIR ART RARRWGARSTFA hopefully i get this done by the end of the week! (Unless I suddenly lost motivation time to time begging i dont teehee)

#lego monkie kid#lovingly led to ruin#lmk#art wip#IM STAYING UP TILL 3AM FOR THIS I CANT STOP GELP#ngl tho this feels so worth it#my fingers are numb help waht
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In my nth time rewatching dps and I just realized the music during the poets first time going to the cave and neils death is the same??? (Had to put it all in one vid)
#so uhm parallels huh#neils first and last carpe diem moments#the music changing to a louder and more adventurous sound when hes with the poets#and staying the same the whole scene during his last moment#as to show the happiness and thrill compared to the numbness he feels in his final moment#yea idk im not much of an analyzer#dps#dead poets society#neil perry
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I feel nothing now. is that better?
#bpd#bpd stuff#bpd thoughts#bpd mood#bpd shit#bpd blog#bpd problems#bpd traits#bpd feels#bpd fp#fp bpd#bpd vent#actually bpd#bpd safe#borderline problems#borderline blog#borderline thoughts#actually borderline#cluster b#actually cluster b#cluster b safe#actually mentally ill#mentally fucked#mentally exhausted#im so tired#numbness#feeling numb#.txt file
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We're so close
#I'm so excited that i just feel numb to it now#like i physically cannot feel anymore excitment#im just gonna explode once the game is in my hands#ive said it a million times but im still not convinced it is real lol#i genuinely can not believe it is really happening#i can afford to preorder it soon and even that wont feel real
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it took 5 years, but i finally got covid ):
#bunny rambles#on the one hand I'm really happy i was able to avoid contracting it for 5 years. feels very nice to be able to say that#on the other hand..... /:#i either got it bc of my wife's coworker or bc of the vet bc those were Literally the only 2 situations where i could have contracted it bc#i mask all the time. but i took my mask off to be with my cat of course and kiss him and love him and make sure he knew how much he was love#(also. i was sobbing so hard it was soaking everything so like yk. not effective mask)#and then when her friend came over i was so numb i didnt even think to mask bc i was just. not even mentally present#im upset about this and really frustrated but all i can do is continue masking and wait and see what happens i guess 🙃
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i’m so fucking heartbroken like i only just got here and now i feel like i have nothing
#it felt so good to feel excited about something again#i feel like im just gonna be numb forever now
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