#im gonna get better and not hate myself and be skinny

[vers-1]

I paid 400$ to play and expected to get gains, but I ended up with losses

They’ve got me running all over the feild instead of as a forward where I would have to hit people which makes sense cause I’m short, but now I’m short and skinny. And like I am not a runner the tall girls get to jog at my sprinting speed and this is making me do a ton of major cardio

And all this slimming down has been eating at all the muscle mass I gained over winter. I can’t seem to balance out my stuff for working out it’s like it’s either one or the other and ahhhhhh. I’m just feeling frustrated

On one hand yea looking good, but on the other the opposing team is gonna fuck me in the ass so hard if they hit me.

[moodr1ng]

taking further weight/fatphobia/ed/general depression vents under readmore lol

cause like i cannot express how genuinely bad the fatphobia i have against myself is. like. when i picture myself in my head, in the future, i always imagine myself as skinny, bc ive lived my entire adult (and teen) life thinking of my body as a temporary impediment which ill eventually fix. early last year i thought i finally had and was so happy and then gained all the weight back. and idk what to do about it bc i have tried so so so hard to just 'accept being fat' and as i have said again i do not understand how that is possible in this society and i have never managed to get anywhere close to that and dont know how to.

and as a result of this i have considered like. every awful awful option out there for losing weight. like, i tried to get my doctor to prescribe me diet pills. i looked into ozempic and the only reason im NOT trying to illegally get some is that its for diabetic people and it harms them to take from the limited supply. i looked into various weight loss surgeries (be it bariatric surgery, which i cant get bc im not fat enough to qualify, or liposuccion but even if i could realistically afford it i hear it doesnt work in the long run). ive starved myself so much, tried so many diets, so many sports, never managed to stay on for long enough to maintain the results. no joke, i have considered developing a heroin or coke habit EXCLUSIVELY to lose weight, and the reason im not doing that is its too expensive. i complain about my adhd meds giving me food disgust but tbh every time it happens im also relieved bc it means i wont be able to eat for a few days. idk what to do anymore bc this is ruining my life and has been ruining my life for most of it.

i literally feel so worthless, ridiculous and unloveable specifically bc of my weight, and in particular the way its disposed on my body. i would be fine having fat arms, fat thighs, i would probably dig having a fat ass and chest and hips tbh! but i store all my fat on my belly and thats the one part i dont want to be fat, as well as my face and neck. this is such a massive block for me tbh. like, when i talk to new people i always feel like theyre looking down on me or find me pathetic because im fat (and bc im short which is my other major insecurity - i feel like being tall and fat is acceptable but not being short and fat). i dont take any compliments i get at face value bc i feel like everyone is just being nice by pretending like i could EVER be good looking. the only time ive ever felt attractive since i was a young teen was when i had lost the weight last year, and i couldnt maintain that bc it was so stringent.

sometimes when i think "i might be fat for the rest of my life and never manage to maintain being thin" i contemplate suicide over it. its like, the one thing about me i can never accept. i used to have so much internalized racism as a kid/young teen but i eventually got over that and came to appreciate my non-white features and even wish i had inherited more of my mothers looks (like her hair). i used to be so insecure about not being masculine enough but today im actually more into being kind of androgynous. i used to hate everything about myself and ive gotten much better about a lot of it. i dont hate my facial features or my hands or my legs or my arms anymore. i just hate my weight. and its the one thing i cant fucking get rid of.

and like, ive tried so hard to just.. look at other people ik with similar body types who i think are super attractive and think "if theyre attractive and they look like me, surely i could be too?" but it never works no matter what. and i mean, ik outside of like, societal fatphobia, a big part of it is my ed right. like obviously as long as i have an ed that is focused on wanting to lose weight im never gonna be able to accept being fat. but i cant get help for my ed bc there are no resources. and there are no medical professionals who will help me accept being fat bc theyre also fatphobic and they only want to help me lose weight, and they cant even manage to do that.

im just extremely tired of it all. every day i wish i was skinny. i can live w all the rest. i just need to be thin. i dont even need to be bone thin or whatever i just wanna be average. and its so fucking hard for so many reasons. i can almost never cook for myself bc of The Mental Shit. if i do cook for myself its rly hard to do anything complicated so its often not very balanced or healthy. and i rely so much on fast food, takeout and frozen meals bc of this inability to cook. and then theres the emotional shit - bc ever since i was little ive binged whenever i felt anything. bored? binge. angry? binge. sad? binge. happy? binge. theres no emotional state that doesnt wanna make me binge. and the only way i can stave it off is like.. either indulge in other vices (drugs alcohol etc) or just. dip into the restriction part of the ed and start starving myself again. and ofc once it becomes unbearable.. more binging. idk. idk. im at a loss. no one can help. and theres so many things piled on top of each other that make everything impossible.

im not even just talking about the weight - i mean everything in my life is like this carefully balanced tower of cards where each bad thing supports another bad thing supporting another bad thing until it builds into this massive self-sustaining network of dysfunction.

its like. i wake up in the morning (still tired from whatever the hell is wrong w my sleep, probably didnt sleep enough or too much, either way feeling bad). my room is a mess and theres fruit flies everywhere bc of the heat and i need to clean, but bc i woke up exhausted and feeling sick i have no energy to. i go get some water and theres a pile of dishes in the sink that are getting grosser and grosser but the idea of washing them is so daunting i cant bring myself to. i need to shower, but showering is such a hard task, and then if i shower i also need to brush my teeth and take care of my hair and thats so much energy. and if i do all that, well, i havent done the laundry in like 2 weeks so i have nothing clean to wear, so if im gonna shower i should do the laundry so i dont just get clean to put on dirty clothes right. and doing the laundry and hanging the stuff to dry is also such a hard task. and then if im clean and wearing clean clothes, am i just gonna get back in my dirty bed? i also need to change the bedsheets, and i hate doing that. and if im gonna change the sheets then i probably should fucking clean the bedroom, right. and i dont have the energy to do literally any of that. so im dirty, my room is dirty, my kitchen is dirty, i feel like shit, im tired, i havent eaten anything yet. maybe a decent meal would help. but a meal means cleaning some pot and pan to cook stuff in. and then it means cleaning it again after im done cooking, and also cleaning the dishes. and fucking hell i cant do that. so i think, maybe ill go to the convenience store and get a sandwich. but that means i need to get dressed and do my hair and i probably smell bed and i cant just go out like this and im SO TIRED. so i go to order takeout. and sure i could get something fresh and healthy like a poke bowl or something, but thatll cost me like 25 bucks, and i could just get a burger and fries for 10. so i get that. and i dont feel any better, because ive been eating carbs, sugar, and some shitty processed meat near-exclusively for the past several years. and im so tired and feel so awful and so guilty and so gross, so i just start smoking and drinking. maybe if im lucky ill do some art or whatever. and thats how my day goes and then ill go to sleep in my unchanged sheets unshowered laundry undone room dirty dishes piled up. have a bunch of nightmares wake up drenched in sweat etc. and do the same thing tomorrow.

and idk how to fix any of this bc its a cycle right. like where do i start? i feel like i cant do anything bc everything is SO heavy SO tiring SO daunting and im just so exhausted. i want to sleep for 10 years. i want to be happy again. but whenever im not happy i forget how it felt to be happy. so theres nothing to look forward to. and then i think about killing myself again. and thats just how it goes.

ig thats why im so so hopeful to actually get an at-home aid who can get me to do chores and get groceries and shit bc that might actually be the one thing that breaks the cycle, cause i definitely cant do it by myself.

[ilsshiftingdiary]

🩰, 🌿, &☕️!

🩰; you’re stressed in your dr. what’s likely stressing you out? and how do you cope/feel better?

— for me its probably missing an upload or not knowing if something i posted portrays me in a way that i dont want to be seen, yk?

to make myself feel better ill probably go for a drive and go get food and just sit in my car.. solely because i feel like alone time with my thoughts is really important to understand myself and why i feel that way (i do this in this reality too!!)

🌿; pick your favorite quote from each of your favorite people in your dr.

— my friends are all so awesome this is really hard???

-> rhys - “youre rich, youre skinny, youre pretty, obviously theyre gonna hate you” (abby lee miller inspired)

-> genesis (my little sister) - “i hope i get to be like you when im older” (we dont see each other often since she lives so far away with my parents so this meant a lot to me)

-> blake - “I bet you’d die in some fuckass way like Abraham Lincoln” (he would so say this no joke)

-> nicholas - “dont take this the wrong way but i feel like there should be a disorder named after you” (hes joking…. maybe)

☕️; what are three habits you have in your dr that you’ll carry over from your cr?

— i talk A LOT like i am a division 1 yapper i love oversharingguhhhh

— i have to have a routine or everything falls apart and i feel claustrophobic in my skin

— im really nosy and im always in other peoples business (scripting nobody realizes that tho….)

RAHHH I LOVE THESE SO MUCH THANK UUUU

[moonjxsung]

haiiii bb✨ i hope you had the best weekend!

i’m still not sure how he managed to do that tbh, i don’t think it’s too easy to achieve😅 so momo is prob safe from that. wasabi is an orange cat, we can’t expect much from him in the braincell department. im glad baby momo is getting better too🫶🏻 we stan her

frfr, idk how people abandon their pets. i’m literally so attached to every animal ever. i see a stray cat at a park and i’ll think of them forever and worry about them too. and people who don’t spay their cats and expect them to be outdoors are such assholes. i’ve had to spay/neuter 10+ cats due to overpopulation in the last two years and i have four more females to go (excluding my own 8 out of 9 cats). it’s insane and so so so sad. the fact that they took off the collar is so stupid too. it really sucks. i cannot comprehend.

star, idk how you do it!!! living where you live in the kpop era must be so hard😭 like, we love the exposure but my bank doesn’t. i sometimes wish i lived somewhere with a lot of kpop concerts but kinda not at the same time bc i just know i couldn’t afford most of them and i’d get the worst case of fomo. i wish you the best at your choice of concerts😂

anddd i didn’t know you stanned nct dream or itzy! follow up: which groups do you stan and who are your biases? i lovveeeee nct! i don’t really stan any ggs aside from twice and new jeans but i’d so love to listen to more so any recs would be gr8!!!

frfr ive never been confident with myself (and ik that’s like my biggest problem bc confidence is so attractive). kpop beauty standards kinda took a toll on me especially after my surgery, grad school, depression worsening etc etc. but ive learned to make delulu my solulu and be like “minho would love me even if im not pretty or skinny” and all is well (what he wouldn’t love about me is that i only eat meat when i absolutely have to bc i hate it😂). i love skincare though so if you ever need to discuss skincare im ur girl🔥 aside from kpop, plushies & cats my ocd also manifests at compulsively buying hundreds of dollars of skincare products🔥

i love you my darling bb. i hope you have the best week!! i’ve never had cheese danishes therefore im so glad i virtually tried them with you💕

-🐈‍⬛

HIIIIIIIII BBYYYY I HOPE YOU HAD THE BEST MONDAY 🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶

Momo is doing so much better today (she’s currently napping on my freshly washed laundry❤️) so I think it might’ve been a weather thing! Hopefully her itching doesn’t come back but I’m still gonna look into bee pollen and see if it helps :’)

I KNOW I feel so very overprotective of every cat ive ever come across and it baffles me that people are just okay with abandoning their cats like that?? Especially after YEARS of owning them!??? How 😭 I don’t even like leaving momo alone for the day (despite her having an automatic feeder and a water fountain and cameras to watch her every move) so I don’t know how people abandon a cat indefinitely 💔 it’s fr so sad to me

HONESTLY it was so much easier to save money when there weren’t so many kpop things here but now we have kpop stores at every corner with v exclusive merch and preorder benefits and concerts every MONTH I can’t save money for the life of me 😭 I SWEARRRRR I buy some useless kpop thing at least once a week it’s so bad! I’m on a buying ban right now bc I just bought jhope’s on the street merch and that is ALLLL I am letting myself buy for the foreseeable future 🫡 hopefully

I LOOOOOOVE NCT OH MY GOSHHHHH okay list of my groups & biases (I might miss a few so bear w me):

Skz: JISUNGGGGG & Felix is my bias wrecker 🫶💖

Bts: jhope!!!!!!!!! Jin is my bias wrecker!

Nct 127: Yuta & Haechan! Wreckers always change but right now probs Taeyong (enlistment era starts today😔)

Nct Dream: I literally just started getting more serious about being into them despite listening to their music for a while LOL but deffffff Renjun & Haechan! 🫶

Wayv: Xiaojun!!!!

Shinee: Onew ofcccc 👼 and Taemin is my wrecker (he’s everybody’s wrecker tbh)

Ateez: Hongjoong & Seonghwa/Yeosang wreckers!

Seventeen: Hoshi & Minghao!!

Txt: Heuningkai 🫶

G-idle: Minnie! I need to get more into them but she’s defffff my bias oh my god she’s so pretty

P1harmony: I’ve also recently been more into them. Jiung!!

The Boyz: Changmin!

Ikon: Bobby!

Blackpink: MY GIRL ROSÉ 💞

Nmixx: Jiwoo & Lily!!!

Itzy: RYUJIN.

EXO: Minseok!!!!

Twice: Dahyun!

Blitzers: Chris!!

Aespa: Winter!

I also listen to Lsrfm and New Jeans but I don’t have biases (I’m more just a casual listener) but I think that’s everyone!! I LOOOOOOVE NCT THOUGH RAHHHHHHH when I tell you I have been crying alllllll day bc of Taeyong enlistment FUCKKKK IM SO SAD 😭😭😭 did you see Mark and Haechan tried to go to his send off and missed it because their flight was rerouted?? GODDDD I’m so sad for them 😭 I brought my Ty bby to today’s coffee run I miss him already 😔💔

PLEASE kpop beauty standards hit you in the face when you least expect it frfr like I always told myself I didn’t care how I looked in comparison and all of a sudden it was like oh nvmmmm 😀 It comes and goes in waves as of now and lately I’ve been trying to work more on just liking myself as a person (and being delulu because that’s the solution to everything) and I also find that’s the best way to combat it 🫶 ALSO SKINCARE YESSSSS I will absolutely bug you for skincare recs I have the worst habit of buying skincare just for the cute packaging LMFAOOOO I need to buckle down and buy actual cute stuff 😭

I love you so much bby have the best week!!!!! Here’s today’s pc I took just for you 🫶👼 I love u!!!!!

[piggyette]

i treat ask games like surveys this is make me admit stuff by lost-head-adventure or smth idk its deactiviated

Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?

not including messages i consider too private to share on tumblr. yes

You talked to an ex today, correct?

nope.

Have you taken someones virginity?

no i dont think so. all of my partners have been more experienced than me

Is trust a big issue for you?

yes ): im working on it

Did you hang out with the person you like recently?

i like lots of people but as far as "crushes", no not recently. i should though

What are you excited for?

my partner system to get home from work. our next grocery run. autumn. my birthday next month

What happened tonight?

i posted about that today but, other than all that, i ate some pizza... honestly i should write or record or something tonight

Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?

no? wasted chicks are super funny

Is confidence cute?

confidence is hot yeah

What is the last beverage you had?

a monster. i should get water or something

How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?

none but i dont really talk to a lot of people. only the women in my family and i cant trust them. its not about being the opposite sex tho

Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?

yes

What are you gonna do Saturday night?

its sunday rn but yesterday i cried so hard i gave myself a headache and listened to a new album

What are you going to spend money on next?

probably a new microphone or sushi

Are you going out with the last person you kissed?

yes

Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?

yes? of course

Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?

my partner system, but specifically mar, rich, robin, and trent

The last time you felt broken?

today at like 7pm

Have you had sex today?

yeah lol <3

Are you starting to realize anything?

being 23 aint shit. i dont know fuckin anything.

Are you in a good mood?

its alright. could be better

Would you ever want to swim with sharks?

yeah theyre chill

Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s?

no thank gawd. otherwise id be the type of douchebag to go around calling my shit hazel.

What do you want right this second?

a haircut... jack... a punch to the jaw. (not sft text beyond this point to the end of the answer) to be dressed up in vinyl lingerie to match someone elses military gear and ride his dick while gagging on his fingers

What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?

nothing. id end up in jail

Is your current hair color your natural hair color?

nah i recently dyed my roots again. its black but im a natural blonde

Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?

usually people who arent intentionally witty are unintentionally hilarious so thats hard to picture. but if our humor just isnt compatible i mean. maybe. probably not tho that speaks to a lot of other shit

What was the last thing that made you laugh?

@fuckin-pistol-whipped's replies

Do you really, truly miss someone right now?

yeah. sunset eyes, if this somehow gets back to you, im sorry i didnt give you a better warning. ill be back sooner than you know. it wont be months this time. i want to figure something out but i dont want to keep giving you half promises. soon, i dont know when. i love you. it means something, i swear.

Does everyone deserve a second chance?

yeah id say so

Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to?

sometimes <3

Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do?

oh yeah for sure. i think we're in a situationship. maybe we're dating? idk i cant rember. god i need to see him again soon. i should watch some videos or smth

Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?

nah but i usually drink diet soda. if im buying it out at like a gas station or smth ill go full sugar cuz its just a one time thing but. i think i drink two diet cokes a day. i dont always finish em

Listening to?

+ shuffle queue

Do you ever write in pencil anymore?

yeah but i prefer pen tbh. i keep like two hand notebooks a pencil and a pen on me at all times

Do you know where the last person you kissed is?

probably at his house with his cats. or with his band

Do you believe in love at first sight?

i believe in instant chemistry but love is kinda something u collaborate on. its like a living thing. ive recently figured out that two people can be in love and still wanna maim each other a little bit from time to time

Who did you last call?

@fadenkreuze but thats like a given. it was @antichristxsuperstar in front

Who was the last person you danced with?

my cat. it counts, in my book

Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?

we were having sex and i guess my mouth just looked that good hanging open and drooling

When was the last time you ate a cupcake?

i dont think its been a year but. it was probably springtime i wanna say-- no, late winter. valentines day cupcakes. mini ones.

Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today?

nah im not a hugger. he knows i like him ok tho

Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?

i dont believe in embarassment. but yea sometimes i make a fool of myself. usually it makes em giggle and then its fine <3

Do you tan in the nude?

i do a lot of things in the nude but i dont tan. im goth so

If you could, would you take back your last kiss?

i dont remember it

Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?

yes actually it was rich. hey rich

Who was the last person to call you?

Do you sing in the shower?

yes sometimes but i sing all the time

Do you dance in the car?

Ever used a bow and arrow?

Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?

Do you think musicals are cheesy?

no theyre an art form. i think A musical can be cheesy but not all of em. having said that ive never been a huge theater person but ill watch a bootleg every now and then

Is Christmas stressful?

it doesnt have to be but some people make it stressful. its lonely tbh

Ever eat a pierogi?

yep. theyre p good

Favorite type of fruit pie?

peach

Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?

equestrian, veternarian, rockstar.

Do you believe in ghosts?

"do you believe in barometric pressure" "do you believe in wool fibers" "do you believe in the oxidation of metals"

Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?

all the time

Take a vitamin daily?

Wear slippers?

yes and i encourage others to do so as well

Wear a bath robe?

nope too warm and humid where i am

What do you wear to bed?

the buff

First concert?

it was a festival for nu metal bands in like 2008 or something. metalfest i think it was? or something close to that name. i dont remember all the acts that played but mudvayne was there i know for sure

Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?

in my town theres only a walmart but i prefer target

Nike or Adidas?

Cheetos Or Fritos?

fritos are more versatile. remind me of chilis and soups

Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?

Favorite Taylor Swift song?

Ever take dance lessons?

Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?

yeah. professional cocksucker

Can you curl your tongue?

some people cant do that?

Ever won a spelling bee?

this is a traumatizing memory for me i refuse to elaborate

Have you ever cried because you were so happy?

yes often. usually during sex

What is your favorite book?

i hate these questions cuz then i forget every single book ive ever read. idk ill say the most recent book i read. the long hard road out of hell by marilyn manson

Do you study better with or without music?

with but it has to be instrumental or so loud its mind numbing owwww speaking of my ear fuckin hurts fuck you billy corgan

Regularly burn incense?

not anymore

Ever been in love?

Who would you like to see in concert?

obvious answers are like. mm. nin. slipknot (but like in 2002 or smth).

What was the last concert you saw?

in person? i dont even remember. its been over a decade

Hot tea or cold tea?

cold tea always preferable

Tea or coffee?

coffee. also cold

Favorite type of cookie?

sugar cookie or chocolate chip

Can you swim well?

nah

Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?

yes??

Are you patient?

extraordinarily

DJ or band, at a wedding?

either or. both? both

Ever won a contest?

nope

Ever have plastic surgery?

nah

Which are better black or green olives?

ew

Opinions on sex before marriage?

theres another type of sex?

Best room for a fireplace?

the den

Do you want to get married?

yes

[twistedyapping]

my experience with health n wellness n stuff

so i started adding weights alongside my cardio, changing my cardio routine just slightly, and changing my diet a tad like 3 months ago or so now-

i didnt do it to lose weight or anything, i did it to build muscle and also hopefully stop fighting god on the shitter- i basically just started doing it to do it bc like. Why not.

and real shit ever since i started really bryan johnsoning and david gogginsing life my whole everything has absolutely skyrocketed-

n im not gonna be one of those ppl that's like "LIFT OR DIE!!!!! EXERCISE OR U SUCK!!!!" Bc like if u have a solid reason why u cant, dw abt it- but in my experience since i changed all this stuff, my self esteem and confidence (and even 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴𝔂 vibes) and Everything has just absolutely skyrocketed for the better-

Like i was someone who got winded bringing the groceries in the house (And i could hold like 4 light bags max), and if i like squatted down to the floor for any reason, it was a Full Body exercise to get myself back up to stand.

now i can literally get up and down using Only My Legs which is how it should be!!! And the other day i carried HALF the grocery load in the house and wasn't even winded!!!!!! Like that little shit is just so fucking worth it bro it makes u feel so much better abt literally everything in life

and i have visible muscle now!!! Im not a twig like i can actually do shit!!! And after being known as the skinny as a rail twig with no muscle for like my whole life, you have no clue how great being able to overhead press 21.5lbs Multiple Times feels for me- And like that's probably not a whole lot of weight for a lot of ppl, but mannnn i started with 16lbs and was DYING.

i can also fucking glute bridge 60lbs Like that's CRAZY to me and ya ya the hips r the powerhouse of the cell But i started with 54.5lbs. That is also insane to me.

the thing is like i literally never knew my own strength, like the small amount i already had, and i also never knew how to Increase it until now- And now i just feel more in tune with my body and even my mind like- idk everything is just Good and Better.

ya i got some days where i dont rly feel like eating bryan johnson food like quinoa n shit But other days i literally get hyped for it. and i measure my food n shit like-

and i was allergic to the idea of measuring my food n stuff at first- i genuinely hated the idea because i didnt want to find out i was getting like 0 nutrients per day i was PETRIFIED bc i was always told i eat like an ipad kid-

well turns out i actually Do get a lot of nutrients every day and even more now- and i dont measure my food to hit a specific amount of calories, i just measure it to know what im getting out of it- im not counting strands of spaghetti tryna make sure it's EXACTLY 116 grams, but hitting that double serving 232g dead on is satisfying ngl- Or cutting exactly 1oz of cheese- Like it's just fun 4 me idk

and i understand it's not fun for some ppl and that's 100% okay, i am not here to preach the fitness gospel, im just here to share my experience bc i enjoy yapping abt things

im not going the full mile like perfect everything, measuring every single thing on my body like bryan johnson (no shade, he's a well beloved name in our house bc it's funny to call quinoa n stuff bryan johnson food 😭😭), but i am just kinda chillin and like really starting to take my health and nutrients and exercise more seriously without being afraid of it like i used to be and it's in turn helping my mental health too which is why i do it-

i do everything i can to make my mind better bro call me david goggins the way im up in those brain cabinets clearin shit out all the time- But ya like. Idk shit's just Better.

so if this somehow inspired u to also go down the fitness path either by just starting out or going further down it than u already were- sick 🫡 Bc that wasn't my intention so that'd be a cool consequence of my actions 🫡

Anyway ya that's abt it. see ya

- 🌙 -

[molthethratrenerd]

my gender

This is gonna be a long rant abt my gender so you do have to read it. I just need to say it.

Ok so ive been question my gender/sexuality for like 3-4 years now and i this was kinda it

Oh i'm a bi girl -> im pan girl -> lesbian -> pan she/they still a girl but queerer

Then like i was more worried about trying to figure out my sexuality right cause like i wanted to be kissed before my 16th (that didn't happen) 

Then like maybe mid 2022 i started thinking about gender and i knew 2 trans people but i was kinda like no that can't be me flashforward to march 2023 i got in to will wood and i was like ‘no way i'm in anyway trans but if i could be him i would’ and i like said to myself that i just thought he was attractive?? Then the same thing happened with the character jesse st james from glee which was even weird because there was no way i would want to date him, so thats when she/they pronouns came in i put it in my bio. Then kids from my class found out and made fun of it so i changed em back to she/her. 

Then since like september last year it feels like minimum weekly i’d either not be able to stop thinking abt gender or take way too many ‘what's my gender quizzes’ 

And like i feel its alway been in the day of my head, but its becoming more prevalent since then ive been like could i be non binary, genderfluid pintrest boards. At the beginning of the year i cut my hair again, which felt so good,.

So now somedays im having thoughts like ‘oh my fucking god why cant i drink something and be a guy’ ‘please for fucks sake’ though im nor sure id like to be a man im not 100% sure im a girl (im moving further from that). But like if there was like a magical thing i could drink do idk that would turn every inch into like robert smith between 1983-2004 id do it so quickly omg. 

And like it kinda hurts that i'm not idk (and ive never felt this for any girl celebrities)

And i kinda think they are also there those thoughts but some days theyre less i thinks thats just cus im distracting myself though i dont know i could be fluid. 

But i dont want to be any guy like the men in my family most of them are big i cant think of a better word then buffheads more so my dad but i could just not want to be like them i dont have a good relationship 

I dont think i HATE being a girl- i don't love it i like some parts but i dont think its things exclusive to girls say cause gender norms n stuff. 

I dont know if i have dysphoria because that fluctuates but im vision impaired so if i dont try and look at my body i forget some of it exists i really dont like my boobs or how clothes sit on my body think i like okay with having a cups (that i could easly hide if i wanted to  i dont but that cause also be cause by the pain they cause me.

My waist i like but only because that's the part of my body thats skinnest like my body was less shapely but that skinny id be elated.

But especially o the days i think abt it more but also all the time i do wish for more masc features eg adams apple more angular face bigger hands etc etc.Voices of weird one because my voice is in mezzo soprano range my speaking voice however in chest voice is kinda low  but I was self-conscious about it growing up because it made me stand out in different even though really it wasn't I think I just thought people were staring at me for no reason.  I think I only like my voice when I'm singing when I'm acting because I can imagine myself playing characters who aren't me but idk but if it was lower like high baritone or tenor id be like so fucking happy.

And like i Kind of want to try dressing differently but I can't because a I don't want my family to know certain pieces of clothing would be mens Not that they have a problem with it I'm assuming they could though but they probably just want to talk about it and I would not but also like  I remember one time I was at the shop called Factorie  and I wanted to get the Black Parade t-shirt but it was a mens shirt  and my god the amount of anxiety I had and the amount of people that I felt were staring at me I almost had a panic attack. 

And like I feel like if I ever did do anything about gender irl  I'd run away from everyone I know and cut of connections again not because I feel like they'd be bad about it but just I've built this thing around myself so long and I don't think I could even my queer friends like i dont know  my parents I'd feel like I'd be letting them down, and like 

But also so much for my childhood makes sense

Like when I was about 8 I got eczema for the first time and my first thought was ‘oh im turning into a boy… shit what am I gonna tell my parents’  which I don't even know why my brain made that jump but i hated my boobs sometimes more then others Once they got past a certain size,  when I had a pixie cut and a couple people in the street would mistake me for a boy felt exposed ‘like shh don't tell’ 

But I was also such a girly todder/ child  from like ages four Tube8 I would pride myself on being the girlest girl never wearing pants  because I kind of think it was trying to win that competition but I don't know         

I don't think anybody read this whole thing but if you did help me out or don't I don't care but I just needed to vent this 

m

[wolfisland]

weight talk

ed brain wants me to talk about how much weight ive lost every time the topic comes up because i do very much still link my self worth to my weight and its something im ACTIVELY deprogramming, because not only is it damaging but its at odds with the standards i hold others to - i dont view other people as lesser for their weight, why should i subject myself to that?

like im one of those people who is in exactly the perfect position to actually have a view from both sides here. i went from being so obese it was legitimately killing me, both physically and psychologically, to just like barely overweight.

its something that i have to sort of accept about myself in the sense that i wouldve died had i not lost the weight, but also the weight loss did not actually make my body better in an objective sense. i avoided a much more painful death and existence that carried so much shame and insecurity because of how much fatphobia had whittled down my self esteem, and my already existing health issues were heavily exacerbated. like in many ways the weight loss was good for me, there are so many more things i can do now and thats good, but i also shouldnt have had to lose any of that weight to deserve respect from peers and medical professionals. i shouldnt have had to lose that weight to lessen any psychological distress. i shouldve been allowed to just live, and also eat and sleep and exist free of shame just because of my body.

its very surreal coming from that perspective of relatively sudden and drastic weight loss because its like there are positives but also many negatives that i wasnt briefed on or prepared for because it was just assumed all of the future trauma and stress and illness was worth it as long as i could be ✨skinny✨, and that my priority should be being ✨skinny✨

like i cant use part of my stomach. i cant digest my food correctly. i have new allergies that could kill me. i went from one ed to another and had body dysmorphia so severe that i couldnt recognize my own reflection for the better part of two years. i absorb and process alcohol and most drugs faster and am so much more at risk of addiction for this very reason. my fucking teeth are weak. my body hurts just as much as it did before, just in different ways now.

these are all BAD things. but theyre seen as worth it because at least the number on the scale is smaller and i can wear crop tops now, i guess. its worth it because now people ogle me and buy me drinks at bars. like what?

i cant honestly say i regret the surgery. i dont. im acutely aware that it saved my life and while the confidence boost that came from it didnt come from actual self acceptance for a very long time but rather my ed being validated and external praise being heaped on me, that confidence did help me unpack a lot of other issues which DID eventually lead me to accepting that my self worth should never have been tied to my body.

but i do regret that it wasnt motivated simply by preserving my physical health and prolonging my life when my ed was killing me, but rather because i hated myself because other people hated my body. thats fucked up

also im never gonna be ✨skinny✨ and frankly id look fucking scary if i was. god wanted me to have a tummy and im never fucking getting rid of it

[itsluhhhhh]

My success story

…………………………………………………………

Backstory/about me: So I’ve never posted on here before but i wanted to share my success story cause I’m insanely proud of myself and I wanna be able to motivate people to get their desires, just an introduction my names Alesha, im 15, im Italian and Brazilian and live in Australia, I got into manifestation in 2020 when law of attraction was popular I tried that but tbh I gave up but in 2021 I started learning about the law of assumption and that’s when I really got into it, tbh in 2022 I was a lazy bitch I didn’t affirm nothing and I was really depressed but I promised myself in 2023 everything would be different. All I did was affirm and persist I literally just persisted and persisted even when i didn’t have enough energy to do anything.

Appearance

I literally manifested a huge glow up and looking like my desired self WITHIN A WEEK mind you I never wanted to look like anyone else my desired self was just me but 10x better and with a few different features and y’all I literally had a huge glow up idk how I had this big of a glow up I was not expecting it and I look exactly how I’ve always wanted to look, I manifested black 3a/3b curly hair that’s super bouncy and perfect little ringlets and so shiny 😍, I manifested like insanely clear skin like my skin looks fake an I have tanned skin naturally and my skin tone is completely even now, my lips are a lot more juicy now and smooth, my waist is tiny and my ribcage even smaller, my butt is a-lot bigger now and I’m naturally skinny so it was always harder for me to gain weight but my butt is so big 🤭 and I got those sexy ass Kendall Jenner type legs now, I manifested like perfect eyebrows, my eyebrows literally look like they were just freshly waxed and my eyebrows are so full and arched now I love them, I manifested the curliest thickest LONGEST EYELASHES omfg my eyelashes look FAKE cus of how long and thick they are I deadass had my friend ask where I got my eyelashes done, I manifested getting my braces off and having the most perfect, straight, white, healthy teeth and the prettiest smile and I manifested being insanely gorgeous and pretty

Dream Life

I literally manifested my dream life, Im popular asf now and we haven’t even started back at school yet (in Australia we start school again January 30th) so I still have a week left of my school holidays and I’m so popular now I’ve got people asking to hangout everyday even tho I decline cus i hate going out 😭 and I’m literally everyone’s favourite now, I’m the family favourite and my friends favourite and idk how to describe it my life just keeps getting better and better like my life genuinely improves in every aspect every single day, my home life is perfect like we all get along and we have the best time ever, they are so lenient and chill I’m deadass allowed to do whatever I want and I’m talking to my desired person again but I’m gonna manifest having a secret relationship with him cus i don’t want anyone knowing 🤭 I’ve got my first job and bitch I’m making BANK im making a lot of money 😫 and my life has just genuinely gotten so much fucking better

Mindset

Pretty simple, I manifested a perfect mindset, a perfect self concept, I rarely get negative thoughts anymore I’ve got a very clear mind like I can think really clearly now and I know my power cus well I literally manifested all my desires like it was nothing, I manifest anything I want instantly, I’m a master manifester etc

If I can do it u can do it too trust me Ik what it feels like to not be motivated or have enough energy to get out of bed and ik what it feels like to be anxious and depressed but it is so so worth it when u finally start living the life u deserve and it can be hard at times but as long as u persist you’ll get there it’s literally law, there’s no point moping around being a victim because no one else is gonna fix ur life and manifest ur desires for u, it’s all up-to you. Anyways I hope this post motivated you to persist for ur desires, have great 😽 love y’all 🫶🏼

[gufaspins]

So.. this is just a "Heads-up" for any new follower here, okay?

First of all, Hello! Im Gufaspins, but my friends call me Gufa / Alex (Alex is a name I chose for myself when I was younger, yet is not my real name. I dont think you could pronounce my real name so Alex is good) I'm a 23 years old chilean hobbyist artist ^^ My birthday is the 25th of August

All my social media can be found here

Anyways, uh.. Im genderfluid and I go by any pronouns tbh, Im GynoAce and.. well.. I love cats (?)

Im autistic, and have CPTSD just so you know .w.

I wont tolerate any kind of hate or stuff, okay? Please, I have enough with life, dont make my safezone another hell.

I am not in multiple fandoms as a whole, I just draw what I want to in the moment, BUT I am a huge fan of Undertale and I love RTgame videos (funnily enough. I love his jokes, I love how he absolutely hates Sans xD I understand that not everyone likes it, and I know most of that hate comes from harrassment, so its totally understandable uwu I still like the game. And I think RT is an amazing content creator. Love the guy. Love Dad) so most of my content will be revolving around those themes. ^^

Also all my art is on the hashtag "gufa art"

Rambles are under the hashtag "gufa rambles"

I wasnt gonna like, introduce myself in this post, I was actually going to warn you all .w.

So.. tumblr was my safe zone when I was younger, I used to vent so so so much here, but people who followed me would get... annoyed.. yk? So! So that doesnt happen, I made a hashtag, which is "please shut up gufa"

Any post with that hashtag will have a vent so.. if you could please like, block that hashtag, I would appreciate it ^^ Im going to modify some posts as I accidentaly put it on art so.. yeah ^^

Also! Vent posts will have a random irl photo I took, just so you dont get confused as well ^^

Fun fact, the Cat of the picture is named "MichiFuss"! He is a street cat I usually see at work ^^ I bring him food and water everyday! ♡ isnt he lovely? He was so skinny ;;;

Update 10 of March 2024

I have finally found a home, and Im getting better :3 I dont have a job anymore, but I am happier and healthier, with a baby cat and my soulmate <3

(I wont post a picture of them, cause' I need his permission first)

Also I have commissions open! In case you're interested!

Thanks for supporting me through all of this <3

[sugar-free-grape-lemonade]

I'm so disappointed in myself I've basically gained back all the weight I lost. I'm such a fat failure

But finals are almost over which means I'll be moving back home and looking for apartments for my job (I'm graduating and moving to a different state at the end of the summer for work yay!) And while I hate being at home there's not nearly as much free food shoved in my face and there's fewer people watching me eat (I live in my sorority house so it's hard to restrict and purge bc everyone is always nearby) so I'm gonna get back on my shit esp since this is about the same time last year I started losing significant weight

I also have a specific date I want to lose the weight by, it's one of my friends' grad parties, and this guy who fucked me over is probably gonna be there so I need to look good (I am in my "fuck men and ruin their lives" era) plus I want to have good habits for when I move because I will be living alone and it's basically the start of my adult life bc im done with college and school and i have to work for the rest of my life now so might as well start it off right: skinny and with good habits for staying skinny

So basically I have 63 days to get thinner, which I will start off by buying an ungodly amount of diet coke (it is on sale at shoprite)

My plan is to eat less than 1200 cal per day bc that seemed to work really well before, obviously I can go lower than that if I feel like I can but I'm risking a binge if I restrict myself to too much lower than that

Also I think I'm going to start out with a 24 hour fast and then do 16-18 hour intermittent fasts every day

I'm under 21 so once I go back home no alcohol is really easy to do (my parents don't drink and they don't want me drinking) plus I'm thinking I'm done with college now, might as well stop binge drinking so much and just drink wine and vodka sodas, (classy corporate girl vibes and less calories than cocktails, plus better for your health tbh) but that can wait till I move, so less calories ¯\_( ツ)_/¯

Also for exercises I want to start cycle syncing once I come off the pill (since that apparently makes it harder to loose weight, plus I'm not super good at remembering to take it so i don't think it's super effective for me anyways) so I've being doing workouts with this cycle syncing app called 28, it adjusts the intensity of your workouts based on where in your menstrual cycle you are, plus it's easier for me because I don't have to make a schedule, and then I go for a walk and just make sure I hit at least 15k steps, plus I go for a run on sundays

I'm back on my shit haha I better get skinny

[krunchylegs]

vent :( (tw: 3d)

i feel so gross rn

i ate over 1000 calories and i tried making up for it a little bit by burning off calories (burned 402) but that left only a little over 1000 still, but it gets worse bc idek why i did this but i had some chocolate and even then i went back to the kitchen and ate toast with cream cheese and sliced ham, tomorrow im going to restrict more and try burn more calories by walking (my watch tracks it), on the upside tho tomorrow is a new day and i dont think i went over my limit (1500cals), but even so i try stick around 800cals per day bc its whats easy for me atm (planning to restrict bit by bit but im going easy on myself since ive gotten used to eating whenever i want bc of summer).

i will get over this and i will do better tomorrow, i have to, for myself this is what i need to do. its my choice and i need to stick with that

also the reason i ate so much was bc i made brownies for my family and i ate some, i was meaning not to, im going to bake again soon and my willpower will be stronger next time. i have my safe foods in my room (obvi ones that dont need the fridge) so there will be NO NEED for me to eat anything i bake. i do enjoy baking and guiltily i do enjoy the idea of feeding my family sweet treats while i nibble at my safe food, might take a bite or something so its not weird but i dont want to be the bigger sibling anymore i fucking hate it, i dont want to be the 'normal' sized one when compared to my sister whos skinnier than me. i wanna be the skinny one, idec if thats selfish its just the truth. its so confusing too, she (my sister) says she wants to put on weight, go the the gym and gain muscle or whatever but i just wanna be thin (trying to avoid being skinnyfat obviously :/) but genuinely its so frustrating it feels like ive been stuck in a body that isnt mine, even if im not described as fat im not described as being skinny and it literally upsets me, as childish as it sounds idrc, and this is literally the ONLY way i can even share these thoughts, if anyone knew how i felt theyd think im stupid or weird, probably try tell me i dont need to change how i look, but i NEED to take control, i am sick and tired of being the way i am, i miss having my child body, i miss it so fucking much, i dont know if its because im trans(ftm) or if its because i used to be super skinny as a kid, beautiful legs that i was complimented on and i enjoyed the fact my ribs were visible, but as soon as puberty hit it all went downhill, in locker rooms people would comment that i was skinny and i liked it but that seemed to happen less and less, like have i gotten fat now?? does everyone think im chubby???? maybe im fucking fat and i dont even see it im gonna cry, jesus christ i fucking hate everything.

it makes it so much worse when my sister calls me fat, ik i just said that no one calls me fat but its weird. my sister calls me fat to make me upset, she usually tells me that during arguments, its made me cry so much. like example: i was on holiday recently with my family (dad, mum, sister, me) we were unloading our stuff from the car and my dad told me to put away the food and during the drive my sister and i were arguing the whole time, and when my sister saw me sorting out the food she said "of course youre at the food, fucking fatass" and i literally had to point out to my parents that she was making fun of me literally in front of them, like yeah my mum was all like "dont say that" to her but that doesnt fucking do anything, and my sister just kept going, and my dad had to step in and tell her to stfu and said that if anything i was underweight, but it felt like such a fat lie, especially when my sister IS skinnier than me, it really drives me crazy but at the same time its almost motivating, like i just wanna be sick, i wanna be sickly thin and gross to look at, i miss how i felt when i was skinny, when my legs were so skinny, i miss the compliments i got on my skinny body, for a while i believed i could never get that back but now ik its possible to be skinny again i just need to keep it up, ik i can be super skinny again and i WILL BE, i HAVE to be, theres no other option for me i need it more than anything, i dont care about anything else atm i just want to be thin

[l0vleyb0nesss]

this disorder is actually gonna kill me

I grew up being overweight and I've always kinda hated my body. Ever since first grade, I've always envied the skinny girls in my class. Ever since fourth grade, I've always tried working out to be like them. then finally, I started getting better and I actually didn't mind my body all throughout fifth grade - seventh grade. then it all went downhill during eight grade. I still don't know why I felt this way, but I just felt so out of control. I was desperate to feel like I had control over one thing in my life, and I guess I chose to control what I put in my body. When I first successfully starved myself, it felt so euphoric. It felt so good to finally have control. My ed finally gave me a reason to wake up in the morning. Of course, this was only a honeymoon phase and it lasted a week. After that passed, i actually wanted to die. I was always cold and tired. I was always zoned out and I never felt happy. My grades suffered a little bit. But don't get me wrong, I've lost like 30 pounds and I'm SUPER grateful for it. but now I want more. I want to look sick. I wanna scare people. I dont just wanna be a healthy weight anymore. I wanna be underweight. I need my weight to be in the double digits and I don't think I'll be able to stop until I'm in the 90s. I just need to lose 20 more pounds until im finally perfect.

[fuckin-tired-n-angry]

i have made rules and a plan and so help me god im gonna stay consistent and follow them. im going to lose 30lbs and then keep it off. because being stuck in this body makes me wish i was dead every single second of the day and thats no way to live so i will do something about it. i will lose all of this extra weight weighing me down and holding me back and then keep it off. to be truly loved, truly happy. to not be a fucking disappointment anymore.

omads <400cals at 7pm-8pm and 5-10k steps a day (i chose that time bc i work 10am to 6am)

i will do yoga and pilates 3-4times a week for toning

and then when im at my UGW i will slowly increase my cals to maintenance while also increasing my steps

things i will repeat to myself:

“i can do this and i will do this.”

“nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”

“hunger may be a struggle but its worth it in the end.”

“anything is better than being stuck in a body i fucking hate and going to bed every night a failure or disappointment.”

“i would rather be dead and hungry than fat and gross anymore or ever again.”

“weight loss over anything right now. its the most important.”

“temporary struggle for a life time of happiness is better than temporary satisfaction and a life time of depression and self hate.”

“i can commit and i am committed.”

“i wont always be motivated yes, but i have the discipline to stay consistent.”

“i wont let hunger get in the way of me being truly happy.”

“there is no excuses and no exceptions.”

“i need to do this.”

things i will do to keep busy when im not working or cant sleep at night:

•clean (i love cleaning dearly)

•watch movies i like, triggering or not

•watch youtube/ play video games

•go for a walk and listen to music

anytime i get an urge to binge i instead will go outside, and walk and go over my reasons as to why i will not.

[6pigkisses]

Tw vent ed

I hate living being myself rn. I don’t want to hurt anybody. I literally just want to be skinny, that’s it. I don’t know how I got to this point. It just feels like a blur. I didn’t meab to get to this point. I didn’t mean to hide my weight from my girlfriend. I didn’t mean to be deceptive. I just hate myself. If she decides to break up with me of course I can’t stop her. Is it bad that I’m so scared though? And I didn’t like how she talked to me and how her tone was? I know she’s mad and hurt but fuck I feel hurt. So I thought it was just not gonna do any good to talk to eachother now. But I really didn’t want to be away from her. Honestly right now I don’t want to be alone at all. I just don’t feel like I deserve to eat at all. I didn’t mean for it to come to this. I feel so fucking shitty though cause I know she’s struggled with disordered eating too. Is it bad that I just want some comfort now? When I was talking to her she tried but just knowing how much she’s dealing with already + the disputes we have been having makes me feel like it’ll just be irredeemable at this point. And I just feel like a burden, like I’ll just overwhelm her more. I just feel useless to everyone not gonna lie. And I feel like shit eating. Oh yea we’re just going on a fucking fast, not gonna lie it’s just to loose weight and make me feel less like shit and less guilty becuase I don’t feel like I deserve to eat so much not gonna lie, that’s just such a big part of it for me. I mean of fuckibg course I want to be skinny and look better in clothes and feel like I should be here but such a good chunk of it is not feeling like I should fucking eat anyways. I don’t even feel like I should do basic hygiene if Im not gonna be in the presence of someone else (therefore I should do hygiene becuase it’d be fucking rude and that’s the least I could do). I have a bad feeling that my partner is just gonna break up with me I can’t help but feel like that’d be good for her cause I’m such a fucking mess. Before I never wanted her to see this super fucking insecure side of me. I wanted to be the person she can lean on cause she goes through way worse shit than me of course. I want to be reliable to her but now I’m just a fucking mess and I keep being a fucking mess. I keep crying like a nasty disgusting animal while her brother is in her room. She must be so fucking embarrassed and ashamed and dissapointed and tired. I’m tired of being me sometimes

[and--you-are-weightless]

WEIGHT GOALS CUZ IM FUCJING SERIOUS OKAY IM SEEIOUS THID TIME

-current weight: 167 (i know okay dont fucjing sayva word its the worst fucking weight ive ever had i hate this i hate medont fucking say a single goddamned tjing abt it)

-first goal weight: 155 <reach by end of august. if i cant lose 10 lbs in a month and a half im a lost fucking cause the first ten lbs are alaays the easiest>

-second goal weight: 149 <getting below 150 is often a struggle for me i tend to plateau here but its only 6 lbs so i want to reach it by the end of September to push myself>

-third goal weight: 135 <this is a really big one. 135 is when my clothes start fitting a little better. im still fat but because of my weight distributionwhen i hit 135 it is mostly just on my thighs and hips but my waist and stomach are less pronounced. i want to reach 135 by the end of November>

-fourth goal weight: 129 <by new years. i cant remember the last time the second number in my weigjt was a 2. i think ill cry. i knownill cry vecause i know ill do it andnim gonna be so proud of myself because im atrong and committed andni can docthis>

fith go weight: 115 <i cant plan ahead this far. prefrebly by the end of march because itd be great to be thus thin by my spring convention>

sixth goal weight: 100 <id love to reach it by my yearly summer convention in in may>

anything less than this is ice in the glass of water (get it? like icing on the cake except if i ate cake even without icing id throw it up because its awful and i hate it and its full of sugar and carbs and so many calories i feelcsickcjust thinkijg abt it)

if i reach 90 lbs i think id be the most beautiufl girl in the world. i have the perfect frame to be skinny. im so small, i have a little button nose, i have a round fsce that will be so cute when my cheeks are puffed up all huge, i can do the thing w my fist between my legs so icknow i can have a thigh gap, i can feel how small my rib cage is i know ill have a small waist, even at this size i am now i only have B cups so when iclose weigjt theyll be so smallcalmost completely flatnif im lucky. ill be so cute. when i put on cosplay everything will sit perfectly on my body. my legs will look so much better in thigh highs and over kneensocks. tall boots will fit easier. ill never struggle to zip a cosplay i made at a lower weight cuzmy weigh5 will never ever ever everngovup eber again cill never lose control like this again. im gonna be who3 icalways wanted tocbe, whove ive always known ican be.