#imposter's syndrome

[tonyzaret]

[beggars-opera]

[thebibliosphere]

Speaking of therapy, I say, as though we're old friends, and you're not a stranger trapped in this metaphorical elevator with me and you can hear the suspension wires starting to fray.

I've been doing a lot of work recently that's focused on imposter syndrome and the feeling that no matter how well or how much I do, I'm not good enough. That I'm somehow tricking everyone into thinking my work is actually good.

Some days it's a minor niggle in my head that I can gentle and soothe with logic and affirmations. Or smother, depending on the mood. Other times it's loud and all-consuming and the mental anguish it causes me is so real I can feel it twitching in my muscles. This desperate fight-or-flight instinct with nowhere to go and nothing to fight but myself.

Anyway, because I'm several types of Mentally Unwell™, I was switching between workshop sheets ahead of next week. Filling in different forms. (Trying to get a good grade in therapy) And I got my "recognize your harmful ADHD coping mechanisms" worksheet mixed in with the "you're not actually lying to people, you just feel like you are because your brain is full of weasels" worksheet, and seeing them side by side made something go topsy turvy in my head, and I just had to sit and breathe for a couple of minutes until the urge to scream passed. Because it clicked, it all suddenly clicked.

The reason the imposter syndrome workshops and therapy sessions aren't sticking was because I do routinely trick people into thinking I'm someone I'm not.

Because I'm masking my ADHD for their convenience.

I've always known there was something wrong with me. My neurotypical peers made it abundantly clear I didn't fit in or was failing in some way I couldn't see nor remedy, no matter how hard I tried.

So I compressed myself into a workaholic box of hyper-competence in the hopes they'd stop noticing the flaws and exploit like me instead. And then subsequently lived with the daily fear that if they looked too close, they'd realize I'm a monumental fuck up with enough personal baggage to block the Suez Canal.

If you ever need someone to burn themselves to ashes for your comfort and convenience, I'm your gal.

Or I used to. Until I had a bit of a breakdown, and the rubber band holding my brain together snapped and pinged off into the stratosphere, never to be seen again.

Unfortunately, the trauma of living like that didn't also fuck off and instead left a gaping maw where my personality ought to be, so now I get to deal with that aftermath.

And it's that aftermath that's affecting the imposter syndrome shit. Because yes, I am hyper-competent and good at what I do-- but it doesn't feel real because that is how I mask.

And the truly frustrating thing is I am good at what I do. I am not pretending. I worked hard to be good at this. It just feels like I'm dicking around because 90% of my personality turns out to be trauma masquerading as humor in a trenchcoat, and having people genuinely like something weird I'm doing is so foreign my brain has decided it's just another form of masking.

I'm pretending to be a good author so people will think I'm a good author, and my brain thinks we are in Danger of being found out. We are in Danger, and writing is Dangerous because then people will know I'm Weird and not whatever palatable version I've presented myself as for their NT sensibilities.

Like the neurotic vampire with a raging praise kink wasn't an obvious giveaway.

Anyway. I got nothing else. Thanks for listening.

I'm going to go be very normal in another room and not stare into the abyss of my own soul for a bit.

[emuanon34]

[mafia-c]

Imposter (1/3)

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[illufinch]

having a really good time in fields of mistria

[yeehawpim]

aka being the dumbass in the room means I get to learn the most 😂👌

[a-kind-of-merry-war]

when I say "I'm going to block my access to every social media site for my mental health", what I actually mean is "I'm going to block every social media site apart from tumblr", because twitter and instagram are designed to give you brainrot while tumblr is just a little junkyard full of rats going sniffsniffsniffsniffsniff and showing each other exciting pieces of garbage (affectionate)

[amygdalae]

its interesting to me how self-deprecation neatly ties into making others feel bad. like. if you constantly assume that you’re stupid no matter how informed or skilled in a topic you might be, people who are a bit less learned or skilled than you might see how you, someone who is obviously skilled, talk down about yourself, and assume that if you think YOURE an idiot you must think theyre an even bigger idiot and lose confidence or find you intimidating as a result. its fucked up. and its part of why it can be so important to break out of cycles of self-hatred--not just for yourself, but for people around you

[trans-army-real]

[thefantastician]

what if surge met shadow

[ministarfruit]

day 10: love is devotion ♡

(femslashfeb prompt list)

[edible-emerald]

saw this on pinterest and thought it might be something traumagenic systems who struggle with thinking their trauma isn't enough need to see

[anexperimentallife]

Remember this if your imposter syndrome starts getting you down

[starlight-bread-blog]

If Neil Gaiman and David Tennant are having Imposter Syndrome, you're good.

(Transcript Below)

Neil Gaiman: The first problem of any kind of even limited success, is the unshakable conviction that you are getting away with something, and that any moment now, they will discover you.

David Tennant: For me, that's what being an actor is about. Sort of going, this is all, it's all on one level, it's all just a bit silly. And I can't really believe I'm getting away with this. And at some point someone's gonna tap me on the sholder and go 'Come on, you've had your fun. Move on. There are some people who can actually do this. There are some proper actors in the world. Stop pretending, and move on. You're a little wee nae from Paisley. You don't really get to do this.

Neil Gaiman: In my case I was convinced there would a knock on the door, and a man with a clipboard – I don't know why he had a clipboard, but in my head he always had a clipboard – would be there and tell me it was all over, and they've caught up with me, and now I would have to go and get a real job. One that didn't consist of making things up and writing them down, and reading books I wanted to read. And then, I would go away quietly. And get the kind of job I would have to get up early in the morning, and wear a tie, and not make things up anymore.

[cubbihue]

Does Timmy have any friends in fairy world?

Timmy is more of a socialite than a friend-getter. He can easily make connections with others, and can slip into established groups and create a dynamic with them! The kind of guy who is always invited to events but not related to anyone.

The closest he's gotten so far is Sanderson.

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