#in canon they’re stuck in an endless loop

[kindlingkeen]

Hi Keen. Lemme pick your brain a little bit, if you dont mind. Do you think Jason can ever be happy and at peace away from/without ever reconciling with Bruce? Or is Bruce necessary for Jason (or at least the Jason in your mind) to be truly happy (ala Choices)? ((Thanks, I love you and your writing!))

Hi anon, thanks for the lovely ask. I have many, many thoughts on this issue (shocker, I know). I thought about this extensively when I was writing the first two parts of Choices and I could happily chatter about it all day. Some general thoughts first, and then I’ll end with some specific thoughts for the Choices verse below a spoiler bar.

The simple answer is, yes. But I do think it gets exponentially harder after the whole batarang to the neck incident. I think there are three necessary components for Jason to really move on from Bruce and the Bats: closure, support, and purpose.

Closure, with respect to the whole Bruce / Joker business. This doesn’t mean he has to reconcile with Bruce. But there has to be some kind of conscious closure that isn’t just stewing in ‘I hate him and I going to pretend he doesn’t exist’ vibes. And given the emotional cluster of Bruce & Jason’s relationship, I think that would take a lot of support (see next point) and probably a fuck ton of therapy. Or some other kind of divine/magical/Dickinsonian intervention or some such nonsense. Otherwise, he’s just going to keep drifting back. Coming to terms with your father not avenging you the way you wanted and moving on from your death without making meaningful changes? That’s already hard. Finding closure from your Dad cutting your throat to save your murderer? Yikes. And, really, true closure would require Bruce to meet Jason at least part way, which at least in canon, ain’t never gonna happen.

Support as in the ride-or-die-I-will-burn-the-world-down-for-you kind of support mixed with the I-will-hold-you-accountable-for-all-your-shit-and-push-you-to-grow-as-a-person type of support. The kind of support he’ll probably never find with the Bats given all their baggage. It feels like this was what dc was aiming for with the Outlaws, but then kept deciding, ‘nope, we don’t actually want Jay to have nice things.’

And purpose, because Jason’s need to protect others is bone deep and he spirals without a deep commitment to that kind of outlet.

So, about Choices … I’m putting these thoughts below a spoiler bar for anyone who hasn’t read The People We Choose and Responsibility.

I don’t think Bruce actually is/was necessary for Jason to be truly happy in the Choices verse. With Talia, Jason found support and purpose. He didn’t have closure, but I think with time and distance, he probably would have gotten there on this own. If Talia hadn’t meddled, he would have stayed with her and the League long term and continued to grow and develop in a different direction.

Talia looked at the situation and, consciously or unconsciously (her mind is a twisty, twisty place), decided Jason’s lack of closure had too high of a risk of eventually pushing Jason back to Bruce and away from her. So she decided to meddle in a way where she could control the circumstances. Talia faces her problems head on and tries to force the outcome in her favor. Part of her honestly thought she was doing what was best for Jason (or at least convinced herself she was) but it was also manipulative and self-serving.

Those are just my opinions, though. Lots of different takes out there on this issue. :) Thanks for the ask, anon! I’m glad you’re enjoying my writing! 💙

[the-somwthing]

I’ve been talking a lot about why I’m not a fan of the idea that all the servers are connected (tbh I don’t want to talk about it THAT much because then ppl will bring up how I’m wrong or something) but I wanna tell a reason I didn’t get to that is actually pretty much the MAIN reason:

I feel like it breaks the immersion. I’m going to be using the life series as my main example because it’s the only mcyt series I am currently FULLY invested in. All the others I like I struggle to keep up with unfortunately.

But like, in 3rd Life. Grian has a whole epic story of being in debt to a red name, going through a war, and winning in the end. It’s a really powerful story, and I feel like applying every other server Grian’s ever been in sort of… takes away from it?

Especially the idea that he just goes back to hermitcraft like normal. That’s often what ruins fics for me personally, when a character talks about how stressful it is or whatever and another character says “don’t worry we’ll be back in (“home” server) after this” I’m like man WHAT. Where’s the stakes NOW?? I will say that sometimes it feels necessary to give them a place to go afterwards, so it’s not ALWAYS bad and even with my own fic ideas I often think “damn maybe I need to do that even tho I don’t like it”

Even aside from stakes, because I can get wanting to give these guys a proper break from the death games, I feel like it changes their characters too much. Like, I want to focus on how exactly they played their characters in 3L, LL, DL, etc. But now you’re telling me I have to focus on their relationships in OTHER servers I don’t even WATCH? It makes everything they do feel more like an act, like they’re just pretending to have beef in whichever server they’re against each other. Which is closer to real life. Which makes me bored cuz I’m trying to get into the roleplay aspect. They’re pretending to have beef because THEIR CHARACTERS have beef. And the fandom is focused on their characters right? So it makes me so sad that we’ve turned even the CHARACTERS into actors.

To be clear I’m not saying you suck if you like making all the servers connected or whatever. We all enjoy what we enjoy! I do see the value in connecting the servers, it seems like it could be fun, but for some reason it’s the majority in fanon and I’m so confused about that cuz it feels more like an au. I just wish there were people I could talk to who don’t connect the servers like that haha. Don’t stop what ur doing tho

[princelytrickster]

satosugu fanfic recs

i just needed somewhere to dump my endless search for this depressing pairing fics. these made it through my filtering through countless fics. please enjoy and i’ll likely come back to update periodically. if any of you authors find this and you’re on here, i love you.

** = my faves

LAST UPDATED: 12/30/22

life hack: gay thoughts can't catch u if u have limitless activate - sugurugetowo: one shot, silly and sweet. i love their banter so, so much. 

**Carry Me Home - yuki_MXIVo: 11/11, complete. Time travel fix-it fic. it emotionally burns but geto’s character exploration is so good. it’s okay cause everything is gonna be okay.

sonata for violin and piano - scarletazure: one shot, AU, modern setting, no curses. a spin on geto leaving but regular modern world and they’re musicians. they have a music battle, just read it.

**Cannibalization of the Apex - charmpoint: i don’t like things hurting too bad but this hurts really bad. curse au with curse!gojo. i love this concept a lot and it’s beautifully written. a bittersweet read.

a decade's worth of days with you - beastlybrooke: 6/10, not complete but still being updated.Groundhog day time loop. Gojo gets stuck in his own personal time loop. i don’t even care if this isn’t finished. they’re desperately in love and it’s so beautiful.

**Anchor - yuki_MXIVo: 3/3, complete. "the one where Getō is a millennium-old curse with an abnormal amount of moral agency and Gojō is very, very interested” i’m genuinely in love with this author’s geto headcanon. just get in there and read it.

tentacles covereted, but sadly not present - Amalysstuff: one-shot. “ A story in which Satoru ends up funding Suguru's Cult activities by buying his overprices nudes and personalized nsfw otome CDs.” an explicit fic but satoru buys suguru’s nudes so like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Achilles, Come Down - HotCocoaaa: 32/32/, complete, fix-it fi. i’m screaming because this is such an emotional roller coaster. gojo getting spacial time jumped back after he dies from being in the prison realm for 7 years. canon rewrite. 

that's called the falling angel - anonymous: 7/7, complete, AU. “ against his better judgement, demon hunter Getou Suguru makes a deal with the Archdevil of Shinjuku, Gojo Satoru.”

i'd like to set the sun with you - chuuyasoup: one-shot, AU canon divergence. “ Suguru extends an offer on that day in Shinjuku. Satoru accepts it.” hahahaha this hurts.

[intergalaactic]

i’ve seen the trope quite a few times where it’s like “the main character is actually self aware and every time someone reads the book/plays the game theyre in they’re aware…. they’re stuck in an infinite loop… and i think a fantastic addition to this would be if after they completed the OG story they ended up in a random post canon (but could just be an au tbh) fanfic. like oh you finally got your good ending? surprise bitch 300K epic tale you’ve now got to get through. like i think it would keep them sane tbh imagine you’re like “ugh gotta get through all that AGAIN but hey statistically this time i won’t end up in an omegaverse au afterwards like last time”

like it would just be so funny like “i am trapped in this endless cycle…. is life even worth it… i am insignificant… okay coffee shop au time!”

[blorbosondeck]

fic rec masterlist

canon divergent/finale fix its

Anamnesis

THIS! FIC! this fic lives in my head rent FREE it is so good and it makes so much sense in the narrative that the shitty finale concocted, as to why they wouldn't mention cas or anyone else and its just. so good and they write chuck in the most villainous way that i love!!!

"Chuck is depowered, Jack is the new god, and the world is free. Dean and Sam get into the Impala and chase down the miles on an endless highway, and their story is finally, finally their own to follow. At least, that's what Dean tells himself. But the diners and motels and painted interstate lines are blurring together and the smallest details keep catching at his brain like tiny fishhooks and he can't quite shake the feeling that not everything is exactly as it should be. Fix-it/alternate series finale. Canon-compliant through the end of 15.19."

Sunset Sound: Stairway to Heaven by @adhdeancas

GOD FUCKING CHRIST this is so good and sweet and im such a sucker for team ups and reunions!!! its 3:30 am rn and i just finished it and i love it SO much it made me laugh a lot and the last few chapters i had the stupidest grin just plastered to my face

The Closer the Star, the Greater the Parallax by @rocksalts​

repressed bastard dean submits to the mortifying ordeal of being known and receives the rewards of being loved but only after some miscommunication i LOVE this i read it last night and it’s a fast favorite. my interests have overlapped and i am INTO it

“When Dean sits down to watch some bullcrap Discovery Channel episode with Cas, he doesn’t expect to actually learn anything. Except, with Cas explaining, he makes an effort to connect the dots.”

Don't We All Deserve To Be Happy?

VERY sweet and a VERY good pick me up. all around feel good fic!!! 

"Post-canon fix-it, divergent from 15x19 where Jack stays and Dean doesn't die and Cas comes back and everyone is happy. Take a shot every time I'm salty about the finale."

Keep Your Love Alive

okay. okay okay okay this may be my favorite finale fix it just because of how well reasoned it is. like this feels what should have happened i love it SO much

"Dean gets to spend eternity sharing beers with Bobby on the Roadhouse porch and riding around in his Baby with Sam. He’s at peace… or he feels like he should be. But a few things nag at him: Where is Cas, and everybody else Dean had been hoping to see in Heaven? Why does he feel like he’s stuck in a loop, reliving the same memories over and over again? And who are the strangers wearing Sam’s and Bobby’s faces?"

The GoldenRod Revisions by @aethylas​

this is one of the most well written things ive ever read. the script format DID make it feel more real and honestly? this is better writing than this show deserves. the finale that could have been ♥️

“A rewrite of Supernatural’s final two episodes, expanded into a five episode arc - in which Chuck needs to be defeated, Castiel deserves to be saved, and the characters in this story get a very different ending.“

Ascend by @wanderingcas​ 

THEE finale fix it fic!!! written by the AMAZINGLY skilled and talented @wanderingcas !!! it’s 50k of angst and hurt/comfort and pure bliss

“Something in the world is wrong.

Demon activity is rising where mysterious black substance oozes and unusual ecological events are shaking the world. Dean, grief hanging on his shoulders, restlessly searches for answers that might lead him to the Empty… and to Cas.

But what Chuck wrote can’t be undone. The narrative thread pulls Dean along, forcing him to comply. Because once a story already has an ending, it can’t be rewritten.

Or can it?”

Things Happen (They Do, And They Do, And They Do) by THEE @sobsicles

i KNOW everyone has already recommended this and likely you’ve all already read it. but it has to go here bc REPRESSIOOOOOOOOON i LOVE this so much it is one of the most perfect things i’ve read. are you bisexual? did you have a kind of weird relationship with your best friend and not realize that how you felt about them wasn’t necessarily how other people felt about them and you were maybe a little bit in love with them but were too repressed to realize it? you’ll feel seen. maybe a little too seen

Closer (isn't close enough)

are you a sweet and sappy yet horny bastard? do you like cas exploding light bulbs? you will like this.

“the one where they finally talk about what cas said before the empty took him”

You and Your Husband

it is exTRMELY sweet!!! repression dean strikes again <3

"Five times Dean corrects someone about his relationship with Cas, and one time he realizes he doesn't need to."

Tall Grass

miscommunication and a slowburn! despite being written in 2017 and finished in 2018, it feels like a fix it. ft. plant obsessed cas <3 

Invictus

a LOVELY and short (relatively) finale fix it

“They saved the world. They're free. It's done.

Except it's not, and carrying on is the last thing any of them are thinking about.

They still have someone they need to save.”

Unchained Link

post finale- it’s a great case fic and i am compelled i want more!!!

"It's after the end of things. Life continues on while Dean is "livin it up" in heaven. But it's never that simple, is it? A freak occurrence sends Dean into another time stranded back on Earth. And he thought his hunting days were over. But, no worries. His knight in shining armor comes to the rescue. Hijinks, therefore, ensue."

fun and time unspecified

Ladies and Gentlemen, This is Love Potion No. 5

very funny and sweet! miscommunication at its finest ♥️

"Cas gets drenched with a mystery potion from the ‘love spell’ shelf and... Dean has a sneaking suspicion, angel or no— the spell may have taken effect. And Cas might be in love with Sam."

The Way We Were

Y'all. It is so good its a great mix of funny and serious- extremely fun to see dean as like a base bisexual

"Dean and Castiel pose as a couple to gain access to a gated community known as 'The Glen', a pleasant if secretive location that the boys believe might be linked to several dead bodies showing up over the years bearing signs of ritualistic sacrifice. All seems well until Dean's memory is affected from an incident during a solo exploration, leaving Dean convinced that their cover story is true. Castiel is left trying to resolve their case without taking advantage of an increasingly enthusiastic Dean"

While You Were Sleeping

this is basically just the movie but replacing sandra bullock with cas. this is my comfort movie and imo, one of the most perfect rom coms. the fic isn’t finished but i still have the tab open on my phone and i will straight up go back and re read it when i need a pick me up. 

aus/rewrites

The Harvelle Gospels: Offscript

i know everyone ever ( @jewishcharliebradbury ) has recommended this fic. and for good reason go fucking read it

“The Apocalypse is averted, the angels are in Heaven, and Jo is free from the threat of possession. Somehow it couldn't be farther from a happy ending.“

absolute riots

An Ineffably Profound Bond

i honestly would have put this in the finale fix it section! look. i know. i know you've been burned by crossover fics before. but this is Thee good omens/spn fic you want. its funny as hell and immensely satisfying. im weak for everyone working together tropes and that is this

"After Chuck sets 'The End' in motion, the remaining members of TFW make a miraculous escape. Not willing to waste any time, Castiel comes up with a plan to travel to one of the other worlds to try and get help from the angels there, but after a fight with Dean, it's the hunter who gets sent into an alternate universe,with seemingly no hope of return.

When a mysterious human with a heavenly weapon shows up in Aziraphale's shop, he and Crowley learn that their world is not the only one. Now it is up to them to decide whether or not they want to join forces with the human and help him save his world or simply find a way to send him home."

Somebody Up There Likes Me by @lafilleredige

cas is hit with a spell that turns his vessel into a woman, hijinks and sexuality crises ensue etc etc sam is a supportive and bitchy little brother and its all SO fucking funny and also. horny as hell i love it i love it i LOVE it

“’Dean doesn’t want to talk about your breasts, it’s making him uncomfortable because he hasn’t acknowledged the complex fluidity of human sexuality.’“

Stray Cat Strut

a long crack fic that IS one of the funniest things i’ve ever read and i can’t explain why. it’s so ooc but its so funny that i don’t care. if you need a laugh you gotta read this

"Sam and Cas are immediately in love with the adorable kitty they find outside the bunker door, and occupy their time planning how to convince Dean--who they believe is off sulking after a botched hunt--to let them keep their cat. Along the way, Dean learns to use a litter box and hears some confessions he maybe wasn’t supposed to hear, all while realizing just how much he loves Castiel.

Now all Dean has to do is convince Cas and Sam their new pet cat is actually him before they do something crazy--like neuter him!"

canon compliant or slight canon divergence

Give

by @doublestuffedimpala post season 7 episode 7, kind of ambiguous ending but truly a cas is happy to bleed for the winchesters fic

Punch Like Bones 

short, post 5x04 homoerotic moment that i wish we’d gotten

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

how do you think edward would react if he was in the same truck-baseball game time loop bella was in (either if bella was in it or wasn't, whatever you prefer)

For reference, that one time Bella's stuck in a time loop.

Are we asking to make Edward even crazier than usual? Well, that will surely go... interesting places. Let's do it.

Edward In the Loop With Bella

Loop One

There Edward is, facing off with James, Victoria, and Laurent, gearing up for the fight of his life as he realizes exactly what it is James wants and is planning and then...

Then he blinks, he's in the parking lot, Bella's about to be hit by a van.

Edward panics, desperately saves her life, and has no idea what's happening. Did he... hallucinate those months? Were those his lovesick dreams of having Bella for himself?

Of course they were, he says as he drives to the hospital in Bella's car, sobbing as he listens to George Michael's Careless Whisper. For Bella, this bright, beautiful, angelic girl, could never love a beast such as him. He desperately tries to put his love for Bella out of his mind, for it can never be, what they had was a dream and nothing more.

BEEEEEELLLLLLLAAAAAA!

Bella ruins this noble, romantic, tragedy in two seconds when Edward enters the hospital and goes, "You're not going to believe me, but I'm from the fuuuuuuutuuuuuuure!"

Well, Edward doesn't actually like that, makes all of this a little anticlimactic. He questions her extensively, tries to convince her that she's just hallucinating, she hit her head pretty hard, but eventually gives up. Their memories seem to match up exactly, he and Bella are actually from the future.

Edward's not even sure why he's disappointed himself, yet, somehow he is.

He goes home and gets to be the one to tell the Cullens it's all fine, he's from the future, Bella is too, they're not going to kill her because Edward's in love with her, can we skip this?

The Cullens stare, Alice really doesn't know how she feels about this, but we get a similar reaction to canon. Where Carlisle says, "Alright then... I guess this means no moving."

Edward sighs, for the first time, he doesn't really feel like going to Bella's that night. He instead sits at the piano, playing Chop Sticks, wondering why he feels so despondent.

Bella loves him, he loves Bella, they're dating, he has everything he ever wanted. Why isn't he happy?

He gets to school and Bella's very clingy and seems to want to pick off exactly where they left off. She wants Edward to sit with her at lunch, she's talking about visiting the Cullens as soon as possible, she wants to go on a real date.

And Edward realizes that he doesn't have to battle with himself to stay away from Bella anymore, he's done that. He doesn't have to rescue her in Port Angeles, Bella's not going. He's not taking her to the meadow, he's done that too.

Edward's been there and done that for all of this. This isn't even a chance to redo his mistakes, if he'd really made any, because all the things he'd want to do again involve Bella who came back with him.

Edward throws himself into dating Bella, trying to shake himself loose from this strange sense of apathy. Bella doesn't even seem to notice the difference in him, something in Edward... grows a little cold.

He finds himself to returning to his plans of how best to nobly leave her. Something he always acknowledged he would do, but before looked at with reluctance. Now he actively schemes when and how it should occur.

He should wait until summer, that will be easiest on the family for the pretext of "moving", and that way he can go to Prom with Bella. She'll get over him quickly, move on with her human life, while Edward watches her from the shadows.

Bella finally starts to notice that Edward is... distant. She tries to confront him, ask what she's doing wrong, and desperately throws herself into the relationship. That just makes it worse for Edward.

The pair start fighting, Edward insists Bella does not come to the baseball game, and just then they loop again.

Loop Two

Edward's back in the parking lot, Bella's about to be hit by a van. Edward once again heroically saves her, but he feels as if he's going through the motions.

In the hospital room, neither Bella nor Edward say a word to one another, both realize exactly what has happened. After a moment of silence, Edward suggests that, perhaps, what they need is distance.

Just a few weeks apart.

Bella says nothing.

Edward consults Alice, telling her what's been happening to him, and Alice tells him that as far as she can tell nothing is wrong with time itself. Her visions work as usual, it's just that Edward and Bella's decisions have changed.

Though, not the outcomes, Alice confirms that either Bella will become a vampire or she'll die. Alice suggests, hesitantly, that if this keeps happening perhaps Bella has to be a vampire to stop this.

Perhaps that's why Alice only sees two futures. Because any future where Bella remains human, they loop.

Edward refuses to accept this in a rage. This, this cannot happen, he will loop for all eternity rather than turn Bella! HE IS NOT A TOY OF FATE!

There's a fire in Edward now, he returns through Bella's bedroom window, and restarts their passionate romance. Bella's thrilled, the love of her life has come back for her, she cries tears of joy.

For months, Bella and Edward are back in the honeymoon stage of their romance.

They loop again.

Loop Three

Bella points out that they're still looping. This is... starting to get weird. Maybe they should figure out solutions to this?

Edward says THIS IS FINE, with Alice's words ringing in the back of his mind. Bella can never know.

Too bad for him, this is Bella's first guess. Maybe, if she becomes a vampire, somehow the loops will stop. EDWARD WILL NEVER TARNISH HER LIKE THAT.

Bella is very hurt, and upset, and asks if Edward will seriously spend forever, trapped in these few months, unable to move forward rather than turn her.

Edward desperately tries to convince her that these months are wonderful. You love being trapped in this timeframe, Bella.

He romances her harder than ever, only this time, Bella's the one that's not thrilled.

She and Edward have no future. Edward would literally rather be trapped in this utterly absurd scenario, never able to move forward with their lives, rather than turn her into a vampire.

A lot of fights happen. In desperation, Edward proves that they can move forward, that this endless loop is what vampirism itself is like, where time ceases to have meaning. He proposes to Bella, they will marry.

Bella flat out says no, she doesn't want to marry, and god marry while she's still in highschool? Can she even legally get married right now?

Edward... did not expect that answer.

The pair end up on and off fighting up until the loop happens.

Loop Four

This time, distracted by his own ire, Edward forgets to stop the van. Bella is crushed, Edward and the family have to hightail it out of there to not slurp her blood off the asphalt, and Edward is horrified.

He... murdered Bella. She's dead, because he allowed petty arguments to distract him. Oh god.

To his horror, the loop keeps going, and he lives in terror that it will proceed past the baseball game. What if Bella's dead forever? What if, rather than turn her, the only other way out of the loop was her death?

Edward's an utter mess, clawing at the walls, and the family doesn't understand at all because Bella Swan is simply a girl who had a tragic death.

To Edward's horrified relief, he loops.

Loop N

Bella remembers Edward failed to save him. She does not blame him for it, but Edward certainly blames himself and there's now... a wall between them that wasn't there.

Nonetheless, they try again. This time, they'll go back to the basics.

Edward eats her in the meadow.

They loop.

Edward keeps accidentally eating her.

It's horrible and then he realizes... it doesn't matter. It never lasts, he's a monster yes, but he always was one. It seems he's doomed to eat Bella Swan. And at least he knows she'll be here tomorrow.

And if he's damned anyway then he might as well enjoy it.

He starts eating her on purpose.

Soon, they get a little routine down.

Bella nearly gets hit by a van, Edward saves her life, they go to the hospital, Edward drags her into a closet, eats her, then throws her corpse out the window and tells Carlisle she committed suicide.

Such a tragic end.

Bella starts desperately trying to save herself, but it's all over so quick, now her life is endlessly getting eaten by Edward.

Given this loop seems to be infinitely long, and thus all remote possibilities will eventually occur, there will be a timeline where Edward accidentally turns Bella into a vampire.

However, Edward can't do math, so he hasn't figured that out yet.

In the meantime, now that he's let go of all morality, he's having a great time.

... And it's probably best we leave Edward looping on his own for another post. That got long.

[pagingevilspawn]

Hey my request is about Alex who returns to Seatle and finds out about Jo and Jackson's relationship

i had all and then most of you (some and now none of you)

wc: 1.4k

pairing: Jo Wilson/Alex Karev (past), Meredith Grey & Alex Karev (gen), and mentions of Jo Wilson/Jackson Avery.

summary: during a late night phone call, alex learns that jo is well and truly no longer his.

rating: general audiences.

category: angst.

warnings: angst, no happy ending.

AN: again, this is pretty short, but i wrote it in two hours, so.... it's not quite what you asked for anon, but i tried to keep it relatively canon compliant, since here (as you can tell) Meredith didn't get covid.

_____

The silence in the house seemed alarming to him, not used to the lack of commotion that usually echoed throughout the halls. Izzie was finishing up on a shift and wouldn’t be home for a while, and the twins were tucked into bed, leaving the only sound in the home to be the low, steady humming of a sitcom rerun on the TV.

The appeal drained after a while, and he eventually grew tired of laughter from the audience after nearly every line spoken. Mindless chatter was all it was and all it seemed to be.

Alex sighed, leaning into the couch’s cushions and pulling out his phone, dialing Meredith’s number once he saw that he had missed her call only minutes before. He waits a few seconds, the droning of the beeps making him anxious for a reason he couldn’t place. Eventually, Meredith picks up, her voice slightly out of breath, which he only assumes could come from finishing a long day of work.

“Alex! How are you?”

He gets up from his place on the couch, taking his conversation onto the front porch, settling onto the swing that hung in the corner. “I’m good Mer, I’m good,” he says, directing his gaze to the end of the road, where a car went by, headlights being one of the only forms of light besides the dim street lamps.

“How are the kids?” he asks, feeling a sense of nostalgia at the fact that he hadn’t seen his niece or nephews in months. He missed them, more than he would admit. He had been there for everything, everything graduation, every dance, every school play, he had been there.

But he had his own kids to tend to now, and he wouldn’t trade that for anything.

(not trade, but make some changes. he lost that opportunity a long time ago though)

“They’re good. Zola is driving Bailey crazy with how much she’s correcting his homework, when all he wants to do is go play on his XBox. Ellis is hating distance learning, complaining that all she wants to do is see her friends, but what else is new. Zola loves it, not surprisingly. She thinks school is even easier than it was before, the only part she misses is talking to her friends, but she calls them and everything, so she doesn't see too much harm. She’s started staying after class to help other kids with her teachers. Amelia and I have been teasing her non-stop about being a kiss-up, but she loves it. If she decides to switch careers I wouldn't doubt that she would be a teacher,” she says, and he can hear the car door slam shut and the rumble of the car's engine coming to life.

He laughs softly, “We both know that that’s not gonna happen. Zo would rather get into a bear fight before giving up on being a surgeon.”

Meredith hums, “That’s true. The thought of being anything else almost is offensive to her,” she laughs. “The other day I made an offhand comment about a lawyer being a fun career for her because of how much she loves to argue, and she went into a five minute lecture on why she was going to be a neurosurgeon.”

Alex smiles, practically able to see the image of Zola telling her mom off for suggesting she be anything other than a surgeon. “That sounds about right. I learned that lesson a long time ago.”

There are a couple of beats of silence, the only thing he can hear is the crickets chirping in the distance and the faint sounds of cars racing around in the background.

“They miss you, you know,” Meredith finally speaks, her tone dropping slightly to let him know how sincere her words were.

He lets out a heavy breath, “I miss them too Mer,” the crickets continue their noise, and images of what his life used to be seem to filter through his mind. An endless loop, dancing in his head of a life he once used to live, but could no longer say he knew.

“Well,” she breaks him away from his thoughts, “When all this is over, you’re due for a visit, okay?”

He nods, even though she can’t see him. “Long overdue,” he agrees. “So, what’s been going on over at Seattle Grace Mercy Death?”

She fills him in on the latest events of the hospital, how everyone was adjusting to their new realities, the newest batch of interns, and patients that had stuck out more than others.

It was a funny thing that he didn’t realize until a while ago, somehow patients at Grey-Sloan had stuck with him more than the ones where he currently was.

“And Jo—” she starts, but cuts herself off, piquing his interest. Jo hadn’t come up in any other of their conversations, for reasons that didn’t really need to be said aloud.

He bites the inside of his cheek, releasing and giving himself the courage to finally ask about her. She never left his mind, so he couldn’t see the harm in asking about her —an opportunity to clear the part of his brain that was on a constant track of her if he was able to know how she was.

“It’s fine Mer, you can talk about her,” he says, running a hand through his hair.

He can hear her sigh, and can practically imagine the head shake she is giving him right then “Not about this, Alex.”

He perks up immediately, “Is she okay? I need you to tell me if she’s not okay Mer,” he demanded, his voice firm, only a trace of worry present if anyone were to listen closely.

(he felt like Elsa, conceal don’t feel)

“What? No,” she scoffs. “Jo’s fine, though I don’t really think you have the right to care about how she is anymore Alex, considering you’re the one that left her,” she scolds him, and he can hear the disappointment in her voice, no matter how hard she tried to hide it.

He lets out a heavy breath, trying to fight back the urge to explain himself to her, which would end up in a loud argument of why he shouldn’t have done what he had. He’d had it before, and each time it sent him to bed with all the what if’s playing out in the forefront of his mind.

Except he didn’t live a life of what if’s, he was living a life of right now.

“I know Mer,” he can hear the heaviness in his words, and she must too, since she relents her lecture on him, and he knows that it’ll just come up at another time.

“She’s sleeping with Jackson,” she says it so casually that he almost thinks that she’s joking, but realizes that she’s not when she stays silent.

“...Oh.”

“Yeah.”

He can feel the tenseness of the air, even though they are thousands of miles apart. He clears his throat after a few minutes have passed. “Are they together, or…?” he trails off, unsure of how he’s supposed to feel.

He left her. He left her. He left her. He wants to say that he’s upset that she’s already moved on, but there he was, sleeping in the same bed as his ex-wife and raising their children together, all while they were still married. He couldn’t really have an opinion, because he was the one who ended their relationship in the most cowardly way possible, through a letter sent in the mail, not even giving her the courtesy to tell her the truth to her face.

“No, they’re doing a friends with benefits sort of thing.”

He nods, trying to think of something to say. “Is she happy?” he settles on.

“Not like she once was, but I think she’s getting back there.”

The ache in his heart grows a bit more, because some selfish part of him wants her to only be able to be happy with him, as unfair and cruel as it is. But he smiles bitterly, and the larger part of him is happy for her, happy that she is finally able to have someone make her laugh and smile again.

The sight of headlights coming up the driveway breaks him away from his own mind, and he knows this conversation will have to be finished at another time.

“You did this to yourself Alex,” she says, as if she knows exactly what he’s thinking.

“I know.”

They both hang up, and he greets Izzie with a smile and a kiss on the cheek, wishing that the woman he was curled up on the couch with was someone else.

But it wasn’t, because he made his choice, and now he had to face the reality of a life he chose to live.

[remoteviewersdivision]

It just occurred to me from your main that I could ask you for JeanKim thoughts so like !!! hit me with whatever like. meta or silly headcanons or just things you're thinking about Them

I am constantly having JeanKim thoughts but I am almost never capable of articulating them, so uh, sorry about how long this ask has been collecting dust in my inbox. I have been blessed with some extra brain juice today, finally, so here are some miscellaneous thoughts that may or may not be interesting:

It takes Jean forever to feel comfortable calling Kim by his first name. Old habits die hard, even after they're officially "involved."

Jean is fascinated by Kim's hobbies, especially in light of the fact that he hasn't had the time or energy to nurture his own for years. (Did he have hobbies? He genuinely doesn't remember.) He gets into the habit of hanging around and watching Kim work on his MC or build model aerostatics for the quiet company, and as a healthier substitute for his frequent depression naps.

I can see both of them as cat owners and I imagine their cats would be just as solitary and subtly neurotic as their owners. It takes the cats a while to get used to having a new person in their space, and if they decide to move in together and have to introduce the cats? Hoo boy. It's like their first few meetings all over again, but with more bloodshed.

Kim is one of those people who likes to keep his space tidy, with a place for everything and everything in its place. So is Jean, when he has enough energy to give a shit. As it turns out, their organizational systems and priorities are very different, which leads to a lot of confusion and extremely petty frustration. They manage to compromise, though, because at least neither of them follow the organizational philosophy of "this object told me it wants to live in this cabinet, and I don't want to make it sad by separating it from its friends."

They eventually get past their initial misunderstandings and ideological disagreements as to how best to support Harry, but the end result is that they end up in kind of a pseudo co-parenting dynamic with him, at times. They both have their reasons for not wanting to endorse some of his wilder ideas, so he essentially gets stuck in a loop of "go ask your dad."

Regardless of whether or not they eventually become romantically involved, I love the idea that they had some sort of grief- and/or loneliness-fueled one night stand prior to the events in Martinaise. Bonus points if the hookup was either extremely memorably enjoyable or horrendously awkward.

We all know Kim is canonically bad at judging peoples' ages; he 100% thought Jean was pushing 40 when they first met. Jean, conversely, incorrectly clocked Kim as much closer to his age. They both find out how wrong they are when Harry throws Jean an (unasked for, embarrassingly public) birthday party at work and Kim does a really shit job of hiding his shock that Jean is turning 35.

Jean has, on occasion, attempted to repair and/or tailor his own clothes, but he's not particularly good at it. One day, Kim offers to help, or perhaps do it for him. (Something something take his measurements but make it sexy.)

Jean likes to make Kim laugh. Much to the endless surprise of the rest of the precinct, including Harry, he turns out to be pretty good at it. Kim finds this outwardly mortifying, but secretly loves it.

[erikahenningsen]

Underrated musicals and plays you should check out

Happy quarantine everyone! I’ve been thinking about making a post like this for a long time now and what better time to do it then when we’re all stuck inside.

INDECENT

Play or musical? Play.

What’s it about? Indecent is a play by Paula Vogel. It recounts the controversy surrounding the Yiddish play God of Vengeance by Sholem Asch, which was produced on Broadway in 1923, for which the cast of the original production was arrested on the grounds of obscenity. God of Vengeance was the first kiss between two women on Broadway.

Why should I check this out? The writing is beautiful and the structure is seamless, balancing emotion, comedy, music, and drama effortlessly. It’s one of the best-directed shows I’ve ever seen (the direction rightfully won a Tony Award). Each actor plays several characters (and several play their own instruments) brilliantly and distinctly. Jewish culture is front and center, and there there is a canon WLW couple in both Indecent and God of Vengeance. Indecent is hilarious one moment and devastating the next. You will not be able to stop thinking about this play after watching it.

How can I watch this show? Indecent has a proshot available on the PBS website, or you can ask me for a link to my copy of it. 

Can I buy the text? Yes.

Is there a cast recording? Yes.

COME FROM AWAY

Play or musical? Musical. 

What’s it about? Come From Away is a musical by Irene Sankoff and David Hein. It is set in the week following the September 11 attacks and tells the true story of what transpired when 38 planes were ordered to land unexpectedly in the small town of Gander in the province of Newfoundland and Labrador, Canada, as part of Operation Yellow Ribbon. The characters in the musical are based on (and in most cases share the names of) real Gander residents as well as some of the 7,000 stranded travelers they housed and fed.

Why should I check this out? Come From Away is one of the best-written musicals I’ve ever seen. The pacing is perfect and every person in the cast plays at least three different characters seamlessly. The music is incredibly unique, as it is heavily influenced by Newfoundland folk music. You will laugh. You will cry. You will have the music stuck in your head for two weeks. The only problem with watching Come From Away during quarantine is it will make you want to give the special people in your life a hug.

How can I watch this show? Come From Away is currently playing on Broadway, in the West End, on tour across the US, and in Toronto, Melbourne, and Sydney. There are several video bootlegs that aren’t hard to find. 

Can I buy the text? I don’t think so. Correct me if I’m wrong.

Is there a cast recording? Yes.

CHOIR BOY

Play or musical? Play.

What’s it about? Choir Boy is a play by Tarell Alvin McCraney, who is best known for co-writing the Oscar-winning screenplay of Moonlight, the movie based on his play, In Moonlight Black Boys Look Blue. Choir Boy follows Pharus, a gay teenager at an all-black, all-boys boarding school. Pharus has just been elected the lead of his school choir, a very high honor. Though Pharus is lauded for his vocal talent, his classmates do not all respond well to his flamboyance and confidence. Choir Boy is a story centered on relationships that asks what it means to be a young, gay, black man in America.

Why should I check this out? One of the most devastatingly beautiful pieces of theatre I have ever seen, Choir Boy is overflowing with fantastic monologues, hilarious one-liners, and gorgeous a cappella songs with some really dope step choreography. Tarell McCraney is the master of writing heartfelt, realistic romantic and platonic love between men of color. 

How can I watch this show? Choir Boy is gaining popularity as a regional show. Unfortunately there is no video bootleg in circulation, and although I am absolutely positive MTC has one, there is no proshot. There are a lot of official clips on YouTube and if you message me privately I can give you an audio recording of the show. 

Can I buy the text? You can buy the pre-Broadway version of the play. We have not been successful in finding a Broadway copy of the text, although I do have one I got at flea that was part of a Tony voters package.

Is there a cast recording? No, and I’m mad about it.

THE WRONG MAN

Play or musical? Musical.

What’s it about? The Wrong Man started as a concept album by Ross Golan, and he expanded on it to create a 90-minute musical. Duran, a man down on his luck in Reno, Nevada, meets Mariana at a bar one night. They become romantically involved and make plans to leave Reno together. However, Mariana's violent ex-husband has just been released from prison, and when he finds out about their relationship, he frames Duran for murder.

Why should I check this out? The Wrong Man is completely sung-through and it is bops on bops on bops. There is not a dull song in this show and the orchestrations (by Alex Lacamoire of Hamilton fame) are gorgeous. The choreography (by Travis Wall) is my favorite I have ever seen. Joshua Henry, Ciara Renée, and Ryan Vasquez can sing literally anything. This show also did something really unique where they had Ryan Vasquez play the role of Duran once or twice a week.

How can I watch this show? There is a video bootleg that is NFT until July 15th, but I can give you the master’s information if you’d like to purchase it now. Message me privately for audio. 

Can I buy the text? No.

Is there a cast recording? Not yet. We’ve gotten some hints that there may be one coming soon. You can listen to the concept album, but it’s quite different from the show and I’d recommend listening to the audio first. 

THE SCOTTSBORO BOYS

Play or musical? Musical.

What’s it about? The Scottsboro Boys is a musical with a book by David Thompson, music by John Kander and lyrics by Fred Ebb, based on the Scottsboro Boys trial.

Why should I check this out? The Scottsboro Boys is one of those shows that sounds like it wouldn’t work at all (and I think that unfortunately is most of the reason why it did so poorly on Broadway) but is actually brilliant. It is one of the sharpest, most poignant pieces of satire I’ve ever seen. The balance of comedy and the heartbreaking subject matter creates an incredibly powerful pieces of art. I saw a small regional production in a black box theater and it’s still one of my favorite things I’ve ever seen.

How can I watch this show? You may be able to catch this show at a regional theater. I think there may possibly be a bootleg, but I’m not sure if this is in circulation in any digital form. I don’t personally have audio of the show, but I’m sure it’s out there. There are some official clips on YouTube. 

Can I buy the text? I don’t think so.

Is there a cast recording? There is an Off-Broadway cast recording and a London cast recording

ANGELS IN AMERICA: A GAY FANTASIA ON NATIONAL THEMES

Play or musical? Play.

What’s it about? I know it is a bit crazy to be calling Angels in America underrated as it has been around forever and literally won the Tony, Drama Desk, and Pulitzer and the revival won the Tony, but I feel that it’s underrated on tumblr and among young people. Angels in America is a two-part play (individually titled Millennium Approaches and Perestroika) by Tony Kushner. It a complex, often metaphorical, and at times symbolic examination of AIDS and homosexuality in America in the 1980s. Certain major and minor characters are supernatural beings (angels) or deceased persons (ghosts). The play contains multiple roles for several of the actors. Initially and primarily focusing on a gay couple in Manhattan, the play also has several other storylines, some of which occasionally intersect.

Why should I check this out? The camp! The drama! The comedy! The devastation! The OG comedy featuring Mormons. Iconic monologues and dialogue. The entire play is about eight hours long, and I would have happily sat through it with no breaks. Nobody will ever write a more epic play. 

How can I watch this show? The most recent revival was filmed by the National Theatre when it was in London. I’m not sure if there’s a way to stream it online but I have a copy I can link you to. There’s also a Broadway revival bootleg. 

Can I buy the text? Yes.

Is there a cast recording? N/A

A STRANGE LOOP

Play or musical? Musical.

What’s it about? A Strange Loop is about an usher at The Lion King on Broadway who is also named Usher, who is writing a self-referential musical called A Strange Loop. Usher is an overweight, overwhelmed “ball of black confusion” trying to navigate without a compass the hierarchical white, black and gay worlds; his family’s religion, which condemns him for his sexuality; and an entertainment industry that isn’t interested in what he has to say. He’s also having an existential crisis as he deals with questions of reality, illusions, perceptions and identity. His biggest fear is that he’s stuck in an endless cycle of hopelessness where change is not possible.

Why should I check this out? It’s hard to talk about A Strange Loop with people who haven’t seen it because it is truly unlike any other show I have ever seen. It starts out seeming like a musical comedy about identity, but it gets more intense as the show goes on until you’re crying next to a stranger and wondering how the hell you even got there. It’s brilliant.

How can I watch this show? Unfortunately there is no video bootleg, but you can ask me for an audio. Some clips are available on YouTube.

Can I buy the text? No.

Is there a cast recording? Yes. I recommend reading this as you go along so the songs make more sense because they’re pretty wild out of context (they’re pretty equally as wild in context). 

SCHOOL GIRLS; OR, THE AFRICAN MEAN GIRLS PLAY

Play or musical? Play.

What’s it about? Paulina, the reigning queen bee at Ghana’s most exclusive boarding school, has her sights set on the Miss Global Universe pageant. But the arrival of Ericka, a new student with undeniable talent and beauty, captures the attention of the pageant recruiter—and Paulina’s hive-minded friends.

Why should I check this out? School Girls is one of the funniest plays I have ever seen. The writing is so smart, and the show deals with racism (both on an interpersonal and worldwide level), colorism, body image, sex and gender, class, and inequality.

How can I watch this show? PBS recently released the proshot on their website. I don’t have a ripped copy yet, so if anyone does have one please send it my way. Regional theaters have been doing this show as well.

Can I buy the text? Yes.

Is there a cast recording? N/A

13

Play or musical? Musical.

What’s it about? Following a move from New York City to small-town Indiana, young Evan Goldman grapples with his parents' divorce, prepares for his impending Bar Mitzvah, and navigates the complicated social circles of a new school.

Why should I check this out? It’s Jason Robert Brown, so the music slaps. It’s the only Broadway musical ever with a cast and band entirely made of teenagers. Plus it has baby Ariana Grande and Liz Gillies in their Broadway debuts. 13 walked so so many other musicals about teens could run.

How can I watch this show? There is a video bootleg that’s not hard to find. I’m sure there’s audio in circulation as well.

Can I buy the text? Yes.

Is there a cast recording? There is an Broadway cast recording and a West End cast recording

THE SECRET LIFE OF BEES

Play or musical? Musical.

What’s it about? Secret Life of Bees is a musical by Duncan Sheik and Lynn Nottage based on the novel of the same name. Haunted by memories of her late mother and abused by her father, 14-year-old Lily Owens runs away with her friend and caregiver Rosaleen to the South Carolina town that holds the key to her mother's past. There, Lily meets the Boatwright sisters, who take her in and teach her about beekeeping, honey, and the Black Madonna. Lily also discovers that the truth about her mother is closer than she thinks.

Why should I check this out? The music is so gorgeous. It’s one of my favorite Duncan Sheik scores. LaChanze is amazing at everything she does, and Elizabeth Teeter and Brett Gray are stars you need to be looking out for. 

How can I watch this show? There is no video bootleg. You can message me privately for an audio.

Can I buy the text? No.

Is there a cast recording? No, but I really wish there was.

AMERICAN PSYCHO

Play or musical? Musical.

What’s it about? American Psycho is based on the 1991 novel of the same name and written by Duncan Sheik and Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa. In New York City in 1987, a handsome, young urban professional, Patrick Bateman, lives a second life as a gruesome serial killer by night. The cast is filled by the detective, the fiancée, the mistress, the coworker (Jared Leto), and the secretary. This is a biting, wry comedy examining the elements that make a man a monster.

Why should I check this out? Listen, I won’t lie to you. There is a reason this musical is underrated, and that reason is because it is not good. But I love it. The fun comes from the knowledge that this campy, ridiculous, obscenely bloody show was on Broadway (briefly). Duncan Sheik went off the rails and wrote a techno musical! How can you not love that! Benjamin Walker gives the performance of his career and he did it mostly in his underwear! Heléne Yorke creates a character so grating you find yourself begging Patrick to kill her! They somehow got Alice Ripley AND Jenn Damiano to do this shitshow! I will maintain until the day I die that nobody can top American Psycho’s act one closer. 

How can I watch this show? There are a couple of video bootlegs of the Broadway production, as well as some official clips on YouTube. I have an audio of the West End production that I can share.

Can I buy the text? No.

Is there a cast recording? There is tragically no Broadway cast recording, but there is a London cast recording. 

[halyorke-vampiredisaster]

I need to talk about the being human finale. To be more precise: its implications for the characters; both the trio directly affected and the previous one. I need to discuss what the two versions we can make ourselves believe to be canon (they’re actually human or stuck in a dream created by the devil) mean for the show and why it is so hard for me to choose one, as that decision at its core asks me to choose between my favourite characters. In this essay I will

actually discuss this - I just need to get it off my chest.

Disclaimer first: Obviously you are free to disagree with me and interpret the characters differently. I’m just presenting my personal understanding of them and why that makes the finale such a hard pill to swallow (despite me liking it!!)

To me, it comes down to Mitchell and Hal. Yes, they are a very basic choice of favourite characters but I have always been here largely for the vampires. The fact that this show is brilliantly written in pretty much every way is what makes it my favourite of all time though. But I’m still here for the vampires.

Characters

I need to get into how I understand them first. Mitchell to me has always been a very active, very passionate, emotional and impulsive person - not vampire, but person. I believe he has always been like that, it is a basic part of his personality and being a vampire just feeds into that and amplifies it. His mission in the show has been to find happiness. He wanted to find a way to leave his past and guilt behind him somehow and live an active life in the normal world without all that. Obviously that didn’t work - we watched him get broken in a thousand pieces in season 2 and the aftermath in season 3. I believe that was because what would have been, were he human, a destructive but treatable pattern of handling difficult situations, ended again and again as a bloodbath, as him acting out as a vampire naturally consisted of murder. In the end, when you get down to it, he died because neither him nor his friends still had hope that he could ever permanently break his addiction - they were faced with the reality of him always ending up killing people eventually and could not bear it. 

Now Hal, as I see him, we have never seen not-broken. To me he is the end of the line of a vampire that started out with a conscience and was beaten down by it because of the life vampirism made him live. His whole split personality situation (which, I am very aware, is probably intented as a play on Jekyll and Hyde but does not work as a good representation of DID - that’s a whole different topic though) seems to me to be the result of his former good natured self being unable to bear the guilt and therefore putting it all in a place that he did not have to consciously identify with - bad Hal. I don’t think we ever knew a “complete” Hal as he used to be - he lost himself over time and is already a much older and beaten down version of the hopeless shell Mitchell became when we meet him. His life as we know him basically consists of good Hal spending ALL of his energy not becoming bad Hal - is there really much more of him left? - while knowing that it’s just stalling his inevitable return. 

The dilemma

Now I am finally getting to the finale and my dilemma with it. First version: They are human now. While seeming like a happy end for the 2nd trio, it would be a really sad reality for Mitchell, because it means that his situation in the end actually wasn’t as hopeless as they all thought. If only he had held out like 2 years longer, Mitchell would have become human. He would have had a real chance to work through his past and find happiness despite it, to live a life. Thinking about that makes me incredibly sad and sullies the, what I think, tragic but great ending he got. 

Second version: they’re stuck in a devil-dream world. Now, I hated this version at first. It seemed incomplete and sad - after all, they were so close to being free and seemingly finding peace in version 1. Instead, it’s all an illusion, the story is unfinished and Hal is still stuck in his pain.

Now, why did I say in the beginning that choosing a version to me means choosing between Mitchell and Hal? Because as I see it, the different endings can always only mean something good for one of them. In version 1 it’s Hal but Mitchells story seriously suffers and gets just that much sadder (and here I thought they were already at rock bottom with that), while in version 2 Hal is still stuck in his personal hell loop. And now I am forced to say that I choose version 2, which breaks my Hal-infested-heart, for Mitchell. Listen, you can see in my url that I love Hal to pieces. He owns my whole heart (also because he is a bit autistically coded and I never saw that). But the chance of happiness he seemingly gets in version 2 - I don’t think he would get much out of it. He has lived a long life, he has seen everything, done everything, and has probably been done with it all for centuries. Does becoming a human again cure all that pain and guilt, all that has tormented him for centuries? I highly doubt it. Honestly, the kindest ending for Hal might have been to finally let him die and end this long, dark and painful life because what was really left of him anyway?

Conclusion

So I have to choose that it’s all the devils plan in the end, because it leaves Mitchells already super-sad story untouched. But it buries Hal in an endless limbo and having to make that decision (which I do have to, my mind needs a final answer) breaks. My. Heart. 

Here endeth the essay. I apologize for the length but I have been jittery all day about this (imagine Hal and his paperclips).

[themurphyzone]

PatB Oneshot: Before the Brain

A/N: Okay, so for a coherent timeline I generally take the Snowball backstory as the most canon, with Brain naming Pinky from I am the BRAIN after they’re spliced. I discount Leggo My Ego since it doesn’t take place in the modern day and they were clearly parodying Oliver Twist and Clockwork Orange in the flashback, plus it involves Freud and Freud is way too obsessed with making everything about sex to take seriously anyway.

I love the idea of baby Brain being a carefree wild mouse who was taken away from his parents, even if it’s just the beginning of a long line of trauma for Brain, and that’s pretty much the only thing from that flashback I will accept in my personal timeline of events.

However, I can’t just ignore baby Brain and baby Pinky cause they’re too gosh darn cute. That’s the great thing about fanfiction. You get to explore all these nifty ideas even if they go against your personal HCS!

Summary: Once upon a time, he ran around in the great outdoors, wild and happy and carefree. Until he wasn’t.  

He loved the Outside.

The Giver let him go. She was tired and didn’t have much to give now, and he wanted to see everything beyond his Home. Home felt too small and he was barely able to twitch his tail while squeezed between the Giver and the Provider, but the Outside was big and endless.

He tumbled around the hills, climbed the roots of the big oak, and stomped around the fluffy white stems that blew away on the breeze at the slightest touch.

And most of all, he loved finding rocks and feathers and interesting things. Once he found a smooth and shiny rock that had another mouse in it, and the mouse moved when he moved and made funny faces when he made funny faces. He tapped it, gnawed on it until his teeth hurt, and squeaked at it, but the other mouse wouldn’t come out of the rock.

He didn’t like that rock anymore. The other mouse wouldn’t play with him.

The Giver napped and the Provider found food. They didn’t have time to play either. Were there supposed to be other mice? He’d seen others with many little ones, but there weren’t any other little ones in their Home.

Sometimes he tried showing an interesting rock to the Giver and Provider, but neither seemed interested.

He loved his rockpile. If he sat on top of it, he could look out on the field and see everything. He added a new rock whenever he could, because something didn’t feel right about his rockpile and if he kept placing rocks maybe he could find the perfect one that would make it feel whole.

Sometimes his search for the perfect rock took him farther from Home. He tried not to stray too far, always keeping Home within his sights, but some feeling compelled him to go further every day.

He pawed at a tiny pebble, but there was nothing interesting about it. So he kicked it away.

He tried the tree next, coming across a feather shed by one of the nesting birds above him. Feathers were fun to blow around and they made things look nicer. Maybe this was what his rockpile needed.  

Taking the stem of the feather between his teeth, he clambered around a tree root in hopes of finding more things to add to his rockpile.

There was a strange branch on the other side. It looped around an empty patch of dirt, leading up to a low-hanging twig. Curious, he reached out and poked it, quickly withdrawing his paw when the branch was much rougher and scratchier than he expected.

Strange thing! Look out!  a sound warned.

He backed up, placing some distance between him and the branch. He should trust that sound, the Provider taught him before he took his first steps Outside.

But he also wanted it. It was strange, but he also itched to have something new for the rockpile.

Approaching the branch slowly, he clutched the stem tightly in his mouth. Then he stuck the feathertip into the loop.

SNAP! He recoiled at the harsh noise, ears twitching madly as the loop sprang into the air and crushed the feather in two. Something jangled and clashed and rang above him, shining golden in the sunlight. Flattening his ears to shut away the noise, he squeaked as loudly as he could.

He shouldn’t have gone out so far. He shouldn’t have let Home out of his sights.

The grass rustled, and he whimpered and shuffled towards the familiar sight.  The Provider was here! He could hide in Home’s safety. He could curl into the Giver’s soft belly.

Something roared above him.

The light was gone.

An enormous, hairless paw splayed open, ready to seize and swallow him whole.

He fled, tripping over flowers and nettles and countless blades of grass. His throat tightened until he could hardly breathe and he’d never felt so thirsty in his life, but he kept going. He didn’t dare look back, not even when the ground trembled and darkness blotted out the sky.

There was a rapid beating in his ears, and he could no longer hear the birdsong or the clatter of pebbles underpaw.

Just as the darkness threatened to overtake him, he burst through a clump of grass and startled the Giver and the Provider, who paused in their foraging as soon as they saw him.

Home!

The Provider squealed.

And the spider’s web swooped down from the sky.

He fell quickly, deeper and deeper as his limbs tangled against the webbing and dragged him closer to the spider’s gaping maw.

He squeaked for his Provider.

No answer.

He squeaked for his Giver.

Only a low rumble replied.  

It wasn’t her, and he wanted her more than he wanted anything else.

The webbing opened, and he blinked at the sudden influx of light. A hairless paw appeared, seizing him by the tail and yanking him out of the webbing. He flailed wildly, unable to find solid ground for his paws. There was just air and a long, scary fall.

The hairless paw dropped him onto smooth, cold stone. The stone surrounded him from above, below, and around. There was no escape.

The shadows deepened, and his feeble squeaks joined a chorus of terrified cries as he was placed among other mice surrounded by stone. So close, but no mouse could touch another. The stone wouldn’t let them. They wailed for their Givers, their Providers, their Homes. They begged for the Outside’s light and openness.

The darkness closed around them.

Home was gone.

                                                       _ _ _ _ _

 The whitepelts roared when he nipped them. He hated the pointy stick and how it jabbed, poked, and made everything hurt. He hated how stiff his tail felt.

And he hated the Mouse who shared his stone.

The Mouse squeaked, the sound too long and soft for the Outside. The Mouse stunk of hairless paws and whitepelts with only a faint scent of a Giver clinging to the too-white fur.

He growled at the Mouse, warning him to stay far away, but it didn’t take long before the Mouse bothered him again.

The water was the only good thing in the stone. He could ignore the bitter taste as he sucked on the stone that gave him water. The motion was familiar, but it hurt too much to do it for long.

He couldn’t bring himself to eat. He couldn’t bring himself to do anything except hurt.

The Mouse nudged a food pellet over. The whitepelts hadn’t given them any for a while. There were very few pellets left.

But he didn’t care. He didn’t want hard and tasteless pellets. He wanted sweet berries, crunchy seeds, and Home.

The Mouse squeaked, nosing the pellet closer with a stupid wag of his tail.

He turned his back to the Mouse, ignoring the disappointed whine behind him.

                                                      _ _ _ _ _

 He awoke to a blue flash and deafening boom. Rain pounded the Outside, drenching everything in sight.

No Giver’s fur to surround him. Nothing to protect him from the flood that would sweep Home away without mercy.

The cold seeped into his body. His fur stood on end, trying to find warmth among the cold. He trembled as another boom rattled the stone.

He hurt so much.

The Mouse cooed softly.

He ignored him.

A blue flash lit the stone, and the Mouse was much closer than he realized. He startled, fur raised and tail coiled around him protectively. He growled, but the Mouse just stepped closer.

Baring his teeth, he prepared to lunge and give a warning nip, but the Mouse dropped a fluffy pelt at his paws and slowly backed away. The Mouse’s eyes were full of pain.

Flinching at another crash, he nosed his way underneath the pelt. He felt a little protected.

The Mouse flopped against the unnaturally smooth stone, curling into a tiny ball against the cold.

He had the only pelt in the stone. The Mouse had no protection.

The pelt was warm, but it wasn’t fur.

Carefully clutching the pelt in his mouth, he dragged it over to the Mouse. The Mouse’s ears pricked as he approached, letting out a squeak of surprise as the pelt covered him.

The sky boomed, much louder and frightening than before, and he scurried under the pelt, hiding from the endless flashes of light. A warmth he hadn’t felt since his nights curled at his Giver’s belly flooded through him, and he ached for more.

The Mouse’s cheek pressed against his own. The gentle nuzzles soothed him, forgetting the hurt in favor of the soft coos, the long squeaks, and the steady beat of his chest.

His tail was stiff, but he didn’t hurt.

Far away from Home, he found his warmth.

A/N: Not quite the grumpy Brain we know and love and want to bash over the head with angst, but it was a fun experiment even if the pronouns were excruciating to work around.

In my HC, Brain was old enough that milk wasn’t critical to survival when he was taken, but he was still in the weaning stages.

Music: Soft, scary sounds for terror, thunderstorms and rain for aesthetic at the end, and the Land Before Time soundtrack.

Pinky trying to give Brain the food pellet was inspired by the cherry scene in Land Before Time, because I really like the cute baby flyers and how they showed Littlefoot ignoring the cherry due to his grief.  

[quillyfied]

Let me tell you about Omenstuck:

[[MORE]]

- Tony Crowley and Zira Phaile hook up to a Sburb server with their “friends” Gabe and Beez; the session is Void and meant to serve as a fertile Battleground for the Them’s session to be planted and for all of them to win the game (yknow maybe)

- Antony Crowly and Aziira Phaile are star-crossed rustblood/blueblood flushmates (edging pale some days, pitch other days, but mostly they’re disgusting matesprits) looking to avoid Crowly’s imminent conscription into the Troll Rebellion and Aziira’s existing position in Her Imperious Candescence’s army; they steal a star ship and view the cosmos (or, in a Sgrub universe, get pulled in with ten other idiots and blunder their way through paradox space)

- Anthony and Aziraphale are cherubs in a dead session who refuse to kill each other and are stuck in an endless loop but it’s alright, they have ways of communicating when their counterpart is asleep. No legs are chewed off, no souls are subsumed.

- And, of course, the universe where this is all canon and happening concurrently.

[heartsflocked]

Can you teach me how to roleplay like you do?

So, I got this ask over two weeks ago at a time when I was kind of busy and couldn’t spare a moment to answer, and I’m always very shy about answering asks late/afraid that whoever asked might not still be around, so i’m sorry it took so long and i hope you’re still around, anon! I’ve [answered an anon like this before on a previous blog] (i’m honestly!! still just as flattered when people ask me these things, i’m glad i give off the impression that i know what I’m doing) and some of that advice holds and some of it I would probably give differently? It has some useful links, though.

I don’t want to seem high and mighty like I think I’m some expert, because I really don’t!! I don’t think I know much better than anyone else and I mostly just try and follow the flow of others and follow my own instincts, but I know people being patient and trying to help me as best they could back when I started around 7 years ago is how I made it here today so I’ll try my best to help out under the cut!!

Please come off anon and message or IM me if you have a question that I didn’t cover, because I’m not all-knowing and I want to help but it might be easier to help if I know what specifically you mean by “how to RP like you do”!

Couple notes, I’ve only RPed from desktop and not from mobile, so most of my advice will be based on that, and a lot of it will be my personal preference not Solid Rules That Must Be Followed.

For starters, basic terms:

“OOC” - stands for ‘Out Of Character’; anything ooc is something the person running the blog is saying, not something said by the character.

“IC” - stands for ‘In Character’, anything tagged as IC is something said by the character. If a specific person is not referenced in the tags, a post being tagged as IC may mean it’s open to being replied to! If your url is in the tags, it means you can reply to it (either by reblogging or the reply feature).

“Indie”/”Independent” - independent roleplay blogs mean that they aren’t affiliated with anyone else and aren’t part of a closed rp group. This means that they can RP with anyone! Since they RP with anyone, they will RP with multiple versions of the same characters, but the interactions are generally treated like they take place in different universes.*

“Open”/”Open RP” - open roleplay posts are open for anyone** to reply to! If you see someone make an open roleplay and they follow you, you can reblog it with a reply!

“Starter Call” - if someone makes a starter call, it’s a post that anyone** can like, and the person who made the post will write the beginning or starter for a roleplay thread with each of the people who liked the post.

*“Mains” & “Exclusives” - if someone has mains and exclusives, that means that they have a default rp partner for certain characters. Mains are rp partners who are the most common or most referenced version of a certain canon muse and are always considered the ‘canon’ version of a character’s ‘main’ universe. Exclusives are rp partners who are the Only version of that muse someone will play with. So if I had an Exclusive Momo for my Jiro, I would only roleplay with that Momo, but if I had a Main Kaminari for my Jiro, I would still rp with other Kaminaris, just not as often as my Main.

**“Private”/”Mutuals Only” - mutuals are people who you follow that also follow you. you have to be mutually following each other to be considered mutuals! if a blog is private or mutuals only, that means they won’t write with people who they do not follow. So, even if they post an open roleplay, someone who they don’t follow is not supposed to reply, or like their starter calls.

Now, onto the actual RP itself. You probably realize this easy enough from seeing other people RP or from any experience you have with it yourself, but RP is a lot like writing a fic with another person! It’s best to stick to third person POV though a lot of people do good things with second person POV, and an important note is that the point of RP is working together! So, you want to try and give your partner something to reply to or work with in every reply you give them!

Basic example: If someone makes you a starter that’s like “What are you doing?” and you reply with “Homework, I need to focus so leave me alone.” then you aren’t giving them anything to reply to! Then their only choice is to let your character focus and end the interaction. Instead, you could reply with “Homework, can you help?” Similarly, you’re supposed to build off of each other; add something new to each reply, not get stuck in an endless loop of just reacting to what they said without giving them something to react to.And if someone asks you for a roleplay starter, make sure whatever you write for them is something that will be easy to continue for a long time! If you write a starter that’s just “Get out of my way.”, that doesn’t give them a lot to reply to, you know?

On desktop, it’s important to trim posts. That means deleting your last reply, so that the thread doesn’t take too long for other people to scroll past or scroll through. If you have the new xkit extension, then you can make the post editable there, and cut out your last reply. If not, or if you’re on mobile, you can delete all replies, and either copy and paste their last reply in or just leave it out.

You only control your character, so stick to writing your character! Don’t try to control your partner’s character; never write into your thread what the other person’s character is doing, unless it’s something THEY said they were doing already. Also, try not to force their character into something they didn’t agree with. “Character A punches Character B, knocking Character B off of their feet.” is rude to write into your reply, because it takes control away from the person who writes Character B, and doesn’t give them the option to dodge or decide how they take the punch!

Try and set up a rules page; a lot of people won’t follow if you don’t have a rules page. It’s important so you can make it clear what you are and aren’t comfortable writing, and what you are and aren’t comfortable with seeing from your partners.

If you write a canon character, you may not need an about page although it can be helpful, but if you write your own original character you definitely need to have some basics so people know what your character is like and how their character might meet them and what to expect from your character!

Using icons: People use images in their thread to show what their character is feeling! They don’t just use random images of their character, they use icons! This means that the images are supposed to always be the same shape and size. The default size is 100px by 100px, but some people go smaller or use a different shape. My icons are always 80px x 80px. I have a friend whose icons are always 66px x 66px. It’s easy to edit, trim, and resize images down with sites like online-image-editor.com, pixlr.com/editor, and photopea.com, and pixlr even has an express editor app that makes it VERY easy to edit, crop, and resize icons from mobile if you don’t RP from desktop! The key is consistency, your images don’t have to be the same size and shape as everyone else’s, but each of your own images SHOULD match each other!

If you play a canon character, don’t get shy because someone else plays that character! We call two people who play the same muse “duplicates”, and duplicates aren’t in competition! If someone RPs with one of your duplicates, that doesn’t mean they won’t be just as happy to write with you! The only exception is if they say they’re exclusives with that duplicate.

Formatting: lots of people use formatting in their posts! What constitutes formatting is small text, subscript text, superscript text, italics, bold text, and indents. Indents are just done by hitting space multiple times at the beginning of a paragraph. Small text can be done on desktop by hitting “ctrl + shift + -”, and subscript and superscript can be done by hitting “ctrl + ,” and “ctrl + .”.  You can achieve these effects on mobile if you’re willing to go to the extra effort by putting it in html tags (you can google html tags for each of those things easily!). People mess with all this stuff just to make replies look to their own personal taste.

This got really longwinded and complicated and I lost track of where I was going with it in places but I tried to cover most of the basics of things that I think about whenever I RP! I hope it wasn’t too hard to follow!

[argentvive]

Will Daenerys “Break the Wheel?”

In Episode 5.8 (”Hardhome”) of Game of Thrones, Daenerys makes this pledge:

<“Lannister, Baratheon, Stark, Tyrell, they’re all just spokes on a wheel.  This one’s on top and that one’s on top and on and on it spins, crushing those on the ground. We’re not going to stop the wheel. I’m going to break the wheel.”>

This is a major statement of Daenery’s goal and mission:  she doesn’t just want to conquer Westeros; she wants to transform it.  Right now her words are only show canon, but I’m confident they have GRRM’s endorsement and will show up in the books.  In fact, the wheel and its significance have already showed up in book canon--in a different context (see below)--so I think it’s reasonable to analyze Daenerys’ words alchemically. 

The wheel is a common symbol for the alchemical process as a whole.  There are several names for the alchemical process:  the Great Work, Magnum Opus, Opus alchymicum, Opus circulatorium.  The last term focuses on “the circular work of the elements” and is often depicted as  a wheel.

Images are from the Munich manuscript of the Buch der heiligen Dreifaltigkeit (Book of the Holy Trinity), c. 1410.

The Philosopher’s Stone-to-be goes through many many cycles of purification and torture–solve et coagula–until he or she finally attains the Red Stone.   This image shows 3 different ways the Stone is tortured–hanging, on the wheel, and beheading.

Finally, this later image from Speculum veritatis (beginning of the 17th century) labels each segment of the wheel with a stage of the alchemical work.

Mercurius himself stands on the right, turning the wheel. 

In the books, the first explanation of the meaning of the wheel comes in A Feast for Crows, in the “Kraken’s Daughter” chapter  Lord Rodrik tells Asha (Yara on the show) about Haereg’s History of the Ironborn.

<”Archmaester Rigney once wrote that history is a wheel, for the nature of man is fundamentally unchanging.  What has happened before will perforce happen again, he said….”>

So, according to Rigney, Westeros is stuck in an endless loop of misery and destruction.  Daenerys echoes this when she says that the endless spinning of the wheel “crushes those on the ground.”  She understands if there is to be any progress, justice, and freedom for the slaves, she must “break the wheel.”  She will try to end the cycle of civil wars and oppression and usher in a golden age of liberty, peace and harmony.  

Alchemically, she is saying that once she achieves the Red Stone, the Philosopher’s Stone, at the Exaltation stage, she will bring that boon to all of Essos and Westeros, through the Multiplication of the Stone and its Projection to all the world. Multiplication and Projection are the last two stages of the Great Work.  

The proper ending of the alchemical process–and of a textbook alchemy story–is unalloyed happiness and joy.  Tolkien even coined a term for it–the “Eucatastrophe,” or Joyous Turn.  You see this clearly at the end of Shakespeare’ s fantasy/alchemy plays: Cymbeline, Pericles, The Tempest, and The Winter’s Tale.  And at the end of The Return of the King:

...Not only was there wonderful sunshine and delicious rain, in due times and perfect measure, but there seemed something more: an air of richness and growth, and a gleam of a beauty beyond that of mortal summers that flicker and pass upon this Middle-earth. All the children born or begotten in that year, and there were many, were fair to see and strong, and most of them had a rich golden hair that before had been rare among hobbits.  The fruit was so plentiful that young hobbits very nearly bathed in strawberries and cream...And no one was ill, and everyone was pleased, except those that had to mow the grass.

But Tolkien didn’t abide totally by his own rules.  Yes, at the end of Return of the King, everyone is happy and prosperous, there are record numbers of weddings, and extraordinary numbers of children born (Samwise and Rose have 13!). But Frodo never recovers from his ordeal and finally sails off to the  Undying  Lands. 

Daenerys has already conjoined with Jon in the ultimate, permanent Chemical Wedding.  Together they will save Westeros from the Night King--and from itself, its baleful history.  I strongly suspect that neither will take the Iron Throne, that the Throne will be destroyed.  Thinking optimistically, perhaps some kind of loose confederation of the Seven Kingdoms will take shape, and Jon and Dany will be able to withdraw to a peaceful life together.  The door Dany dreams of in Braavos is Red, after all.  Red, the color of the Philosopher’s Stone.  

But yes, to answer the question, I think Daenerys WILL break the wheel--Daenerys and Jon together.

[kelyon]

I have a question about how the curse in Golden Rings works. Feel free to hold onto this until TMI Tuesday, but I know I'll forget if I try to wait 'til then. 28 years is a LONG time to keep people imprisoned in a state of perpetual misery. I'm curious: does the curse have any failsafes in place to keep its prisoners from doing permanent damage to one another or themselves? For instance, early on in the story, it was established that Gold would regularly starve his wife to exert power over her (to say nothing of the other abuse she suffered). Would the curse have somehow stopped him from taking things past the point of no return?

Technically, I answered this in the text of Chapter 20, but I like hearing myself talk, so I'm going to ramble.

Shortest answer possible: In Golden Rings, Rumple says he has no desire to fuck a corpse. Gold has a lot of problems, but at least he agrees with that. Mrs. Gold is more fun to play with if he keeps her moderately healthy.

Less short answer: Basically nobody dies in Storybrooke. Nobody's born either, time is a prison and nothing changes. I think cursed Storybrooke is a land of perpetuity. People have a role to play or a condition to be in, and they are just stuck like that for 28 years.

Now, there are contradictions in canon about that. Adam and Eddy have said that cursed Storybrooke isn't really a magical "Groundhog Day loop," but it's just an endless routine. (Like the lives of people in real-life Punxsutawney PA.)

So it's not that, say, every day Ruby drops the same tray of glasses while she's waiting tables. But it is the idea that Ruby is always messing something up at the diner--she burns the food, floods the dishwasher, leaves the freezer door open overnight. Her perpetual state is one of failure and frustration. Every day she finds a new reason to hate her job but she never leaves or does anything different. (Is this too close to home for anyone else? Just me? Okay.)

The contradiction comes when people have specific conditions that don't change at all. The specific examples from the show would be Ashley being pregnant for 28 years, and David being in a coma with no change. This is where you lose the idea of people not being aware of how much time has gone by because they're so wound up in their routines.

Now, if you wanted to make it a story that a woman was always pregnant with a different baby and always had a brood of kids around her so yeah who's keeping count, that would track with the logic. (Let's call that poor woman the Storybrooke version of Old Mother Hubbard.)

Or if a sick person was always in the hospital again. If the same person was always sick with some new ailment, I don't think people would notice it as being that out of the ordinary. It's a thing that happens in real life. It could even be seen as normal, part of the routine. ("Oh, just as Prudence was feeling better after that heart attack, her gallbladder started acting up, so she's in the hospital again, bless her heart.")

I could buy Ashley and Sean breaking up and getting back together over and over as their backstory. Or an endless string of pregnancy scares. But Ashley being 9 months pregnant for the first time for 28 years? I mean, I guess you've got to say it's magic.

In Golden Rings, if the status quo was that Mrs. Gold was starving to death, she would be starving to death very slowly for 28 years. I guess it's just that there would never be consequences. As it is in the fic, that's not the status quo they always go back to. Under the curse, I imagine their routine would be different times of punishment and pampering. (Or what my old health teacher called "The Honeymoon-Abuse Cycle.")

[gutterinouterspace]

a white and soundless place (gen True Detective, 1115wds)

Right, so here goes a little ficelet. @tartpants​ and I were talking music headcanons when I was working on my first pass at Marty headcanons, and this sort of morphed into a story in miniature. Could be read as pre-slash or just concerned friendship. 

The fic features the Shania Twain song Any Man of Mine which was top of the charts for ‘95 country music, which is consistent with what we think Marty would like. Also mentioned is the song Old Enough to Know Better, another top 40 of the year. 

This isn’t canon timeline consistent with when TMG was making music , but I was thinking younger Rust would have loved The Mountain Goats, and maybe has a hard time feeling anything but cynical about them in ‘95. The song featured is Love, Love, Love which I highly recommend listening to before reading the fic, or at minimum sometime after ;)

Hope you enjoy!

*

How he ended up in the passenger's seat of Rust Cohle's truck on a cigarette run to the middle of nowhere is somewhat beyond him. Marty Hart takes a deep breath of the soupy air and squints out at the noonday sun through the stained window. Rust's arm is still marked up from his facade the night before and Marty isn't sure he's slept enough to be driving right now.  Pretty sure the bastard hasn’t, really.

But rather than insisting on driving, Marty just put himself in a position that would get them both killed, slumped on the passenger’s seat with the ghost of a hangover and too many thoughts. Rust always gets him into some dumb shit, which is to say smart shit on the side of goddamn terrifying with anyone but him.

Maybe especially with him.

Rust hasn't so much as raised an eyebrow since the night before, and damn if that doesn’t make Marty a little, just a little, concerned-like. He cracks open the window to the smell of endless miles of swamp, wondering if Rust is thinking about yesterday, stuck in his narco-loop hallucinations of a past Marty desperately wants to know everything and nothing about.

That ain’t his business any more than his rocky marriage is Rust’s. But still. Friends might talk about it.

The silence between them is counted by the potholes of the road. Marty wants to break it, wants to see something flicker in the deep shadows of Rust's eyes but all topics of so-called polite conversation tend to be lost on that sonofabitch.

They pass a faded billboard for an evangelist radio station. Most normal people are cheered by a bit of music, right? He twists through the static of the dial, glancing up to see if Rust’s expression changes. All he does is take another drag from his cigarette, the sonofabitch.

The station hits on something raucous and twangy with a fiddle. Marty doesn’t recognize it, but the tune puts a bit of a smile on his lips. Something about youth and waking up with hammers. At the very least it makes the road seem less like they’re headed to another murder, like they might even be friends.

Rust blinks slowly, running his tongue over his lips. Still nothing, not even a move to turn the damn thing off. Well. If he wasn’t enjoying himself he’d have to say it, because Marty was starting to not hate this misadventure. A few more songs and miles roll out, and on comes an upbeat female voice with a back beat.

“Oh now I know this one. It’s good. Any Man of Mine, I think.”

Rust’s cheek twitches, “You know I shouldn't be surprised that you fail to see the irony in enjoying a song about women asking to be valued in relationships.”

“Now what the hell is that supposed to mean--”

“Just that if you think the woman in this song, I’m sure she’d have a few things to tell you about what Maggie would have wanted--”

“Leave my wife out of this--”

“Nah, man this is just the mismatch between the music you like and what it don’t say about you.”

“Well if you think you’ve got such fuckin so-phisticated taste, why don’t you change it?”

“Never mind.”

At this point Marty is clenching his jaw so hard he can hear his teeth grinding down. He should have known. That's the way Rust always wants to play it, just wait for an opportunity and jab. He always knows just where to stab. Before he loses his nerve, he pops open the glove compartment, staring at Rust's dulled eyes for a flicker, a reaction, anything.

No such damn luck.

To his surprise, at the back of the glove compartment are a jumbled bunch of tapes, some not even in cases, and coated in dust. He picks up one with The Sunset Tree written on the outside in black sharpie, pops it into the tape deck. Rust takes a drag of his cigarette, saying nothing.

It starts near the tail end of an acoustic song that Marty is surprised he doesn't hate. He was expecting more abnormal shit, death metal or something that goes with the street edge of his leather jacket. It’s almost nice. Marty catches a few lyrics about blood, coke and collapsing lungs. So maybe there’s the bit of Rust he expected.

Then a low thrum of guitar picks up the next song that makes him cast a glance back to Rust. He can’t tell if he’s imagining his lips tightening against the cigarette, but if anything is there, it doesn’t reach his eyes. Then shit, in comes the chorus, a fucking love song.

Love song about regret. Well this is the last thing Marty needs.

Marty can't bring himself to look at Rust, turns his head out the window. The distance between him and Maggie and the girls suddenly seems as long as the thankless flat horizon of swamp. The quietness of the song creeps into his bones, making him wish he hadn’t crawled out of bed this morning. He clears his throat at the second verse, mind repeating on a lyric.

“Didn't wanna hear a sappy love song even if it does bring up that murderin’ Raskolnikov.”

“Song’s about an abusive stepfath-- wait, how the fuck do you know about Raskolnikov?”

Marty coughs, Rust's shock almost shaking him out of his mood, “I've read ‘few things “

“You read Crime and Punishment?”

“Part of it.”

“Course you didn't finish, Marty you almost surprised me,” Rust takes another drag, and just like that Marty is back in the uncomfortable pit of his stomach.

“Shut the fuck up,” Marty growls, really not in the mood for more reminders of his failures. Not everyone can be a perfect smartass like Rust fucking Cohle. Dosteyevsky had been the last thing he had tried to read before one of his high school mates had told him off for being a try-hard nerd. It hadn't helped that well, the book was hard. Made him feel real stupid.

He presses his head against the glass, listening to the song recount Kurt Cobain's suicide. Jesus Rust, even when it was nice music he would find a way to make it shit.

Just as Marty is starting to wonder why he bothers, Rust takes the cigarette out of his mouth, dropping ash on the steering wheel and sparing him a glance. Still expressionlesss, but then.

“I've got a copy. If you want to pick it up again.”

Rust reaches over to shut off the tape deck just as the song ends and Marty catches it-- just the slightest hint of despondent pain flicker through his eyes and mouth.

God.

Marty isn’t sure he wanted to see that in the first place, but damn if he doesn’t want to see it again.

Without saying a word, he pops the tape and puts it back into the glove box for the rest of the silent drive.