#is it all true? are they memories taken out of context? are they just his distorted brain making up stuff?

[mx-paint]

.

[inkskinned]

one of the things that i think we should pay attention to, socially, about the disney v. desantis thing is that it is really highlighting the importance of remembering nuance.

in a purely neutral sense, if you engage in something problematic, that does not mean you are necessarily agreeing with what makes it problematic. and i am worried that we have become... so afraid of any form of nuance.

disney isn't my friend, they're a corporate monopoly that bastardized copyright laws for their own benefit, ruin the environment, and abuse their workers (... and many other things). this isn't a hypothetical for me - i grew up in florida. i also worked for the actual Walt Disney World; like, in the parks. i am keenly aware of the ways they hurt people, because they hurt me. i fully believe that part of the reason florida is so conservative is because it's been an "open secret" for years now that disney lobbies the government to keep minimum wage down, and i know they worked hard to keep the parks unmasked and open during the worst parts of Covid. they purposefully keep their employees in poverty. they are in part responsible for the way the floridian government works.

desantis is still, by a margin that is frankly daunting, way worse. the alternative here isn't just "republicans win", it's actual fascism.

in a case like this, where the alternative is to allow actual fascism into united states legislation - where, if desantis wins, there are huge and legal ramifications - it's tempting to minimize the harm disney is also doing, because... well, it's not fascism. but disney isn't the good guy, either, which means republicans are having a field day asking activists oh, so you think their treatment of their employees is okay?

we have been trained there is a right answer. you're right! you're in the good group, and you're winning at having an opinion.

except i have the Internet Prophecy that in 2-3 months, even left-wing people will be ripping apart activists for having "taken disney's side". aren't i an anti-capitalist? aren't i pro-union? aren't i one of the good ones? removed from context and nuance (that in this particular situation i am forced to side with disney, until an other option reveals itself), my act of being like "i hope they have goofy rip his throat out onstage, shaking his lifeless body like a dog toy" - how quickly does that seem like i actually do support disney?

and what about you! at home, reading this. are you experiencing the Thought Crime of... actually liking some of the things disney has made? your memories of days at the parks, or of good movies, or of your favorite show growing up. maybe you are also evil, if you ever enjoyed anything, ever, at all.

to some degree, the binary idealization/vilification of individual motive and meaning already exists in the desantis case. i have seen people saying not to go to the disney pride events because they're cash grabs (they are). i've seen people saying you have to go because they're a way to protest. there isn't a lot of internet understanding of nuance. instead it's just "good show of support" or "evil bootlicking."

this binary understanding is how you can become radicalized. when we fear nuance and disorder, we're allowing ourselves the safety of assuming that the world must exist in binary - good or bad, problematic or "not" problematic. and unfortunately, bigots want you to see the world in this binary ideal. they want you to get mad at me because "disney is taking a risk for our community but you won't sing their praises" and they want me to get mad at you for not respecting the legit personal trauma that disney forced me through.

in a grander scheme outside of disney: what happens is a horrific splintering within activist groups. we bicker with each other about minimal-harm minimal-impact ideologies, like which depiction of bisexuality is the most-true. we gratuitously analyze the personal lives of activists for any sign they might be "problematic". we get spooked because someone was in a dog collar at pride. we wring our hands about setting an empty shopping mall on fire. we tell each other what words we may identify ourselves by. we get fuckin steven universe disk horse when in reality it is a waste of our collective time.

the bigots want you to spend all your time focusing on how pristine and pretty you and your interests are. they want us at each other's throats instead of hand in hand. they want to say see? nothing is ever fucking good enough for these people.

and they want their followers to think in binary as well - a binary that's much easier to follow. see, in our spaces, we attack each other over "proper" behavior. but in bigoted groups? they attack outwards. they have someone they hate, and it is us. they hate you, specifically, and you are why they have problems - not the other people in their group. and that's a part of how they fucking keep winning.

some of the things that are beloved to you have a backbone in something terrible. the music industry is a wasteland. the publishing industry is a bastion of white supremacy. video games run off of unpaid labor and abuse.

the point of activism was always to bring to light that abuse and try to stop it from happening, not to condemn those who engage in the content that comes from those industries. "there is no ethical consumption under late capitalism" also applies to media. your childhood (and maybe current!) love of the little mermaid isn't something you should now flinch from, worried you'll be a "disney adult". wanting the music industry to change for the better does not require that you reject all popular music until that change occurs. you can acknowledge the harm something might cause - and celebrate the love that it has brought into your life.

we must detach an acknowledgment of nuance from a sense of shame and disgust. we must. punishing individual people for their harmless passions is not doing good work. encouraging more thoughtful, empathetic consumption does not mean people should feel ashamed of their basic human capacities and desires. it should never have even been about the individual when the corporation is so obviously the actual evil. this sense that we must live in shame and dread of our personal nuances - it just makes people bitter and hopeless. do you have any idea how scared i am to post this? to just acknowledge the idea of nuance? that i might like something nuanced, and engage in it joyfully? and, at the same time, that i'm brutally aware of the harm that they're doing?

"so what do i do?" ... well, often there isn't a right answer. i mean in this case, i hope mickey chops off ron's head and then does a little giggle. but truth be told, often our opinions on nuanced subjects will differ. you might be able to engage in things that i can't because the nuance doesn't sit right with me. i might think taylor swift is a great performer and a lot of fun, and you might be like "raquel, the jet fuel emissions". we are both correct; neither of us have any actual sway in this. and i think it's important to remember that - the actual scope of individual responsibility. like, i also love going to the parks. Thunder Mountain is so fun. you (just a person) are not responsible for the harm that Disney (the billion dollar corporation) caused me. i don't know. i think it's possible to both enjoy your memories and interrogate the current state of their employment policies.

there is no right way to interrogate or engage with nuance - i just hope you embrace it readily.

[whyse7vn]

KIM TAEHYUNG

HERE:

[ recommend that you read this for context ]

“You’re…. here?” Taehyung is confused.

It’s not like he was unhappy to see you or anything, in fact his insides felt as if they could fucking explode out of joy right now you’re here. He could of sworn you were mad at him, like reallly mad at him like i’m not talking to you for at least 24 hours, running you over with a car in my mind i’ll push you off a bridge type of mad at him but like he said you’re… here, at his front door. Kinda weird he notes, you definitely do have a key that you make very frequent use of but he decides he’ll call you out on it later.

“Problem?” You voice seems hoarse.

Taehyung frowns. Had you been crying?

You immediately notice the frown that boy in front of you wears and let out a small cough in an attempt to clear your throat.

“Problem?” You try again followed by an awkward smile.

Taehyung can’t help but mirror your small smile with his own boxy grin “Never”

———————-

You now sit on Taehyung’s soft brown couch legs crossed holding one of his many decorative pillows to your chest. You inhale deeply and a musky wood scent fills your nose as you exhale his automatic air freshener, located on a shelf near his tv, goes off and a sickly sweet rose scent fills the room. You scrunch your nose up in disgust but choose not to comment on it knowing that your complaints will fall onto deaf ears as Taehyung claims the smell is “super romantic and alllll the girls love it” You giggle at the memory.

“Water right?”

You break away from your thoughts and look over your shoulder to find Taehyung’s eyes staring right back at you over his kitchen counter. You’ve always liked the way Taehyung’s place was laid out. The open plan really helps his home feel connected and has become your groups go to when hanging out.

You give Taehyung a small nod and turn back around. Something’s…. missing. Your gaze falls to the floor. Oh. You now notice one of Yoentan’s chew toys tucked under the corner of Tae’s fluffy carpet, the toy is purple in colour and what seems to be in a bone shape. Your lips pull into a smile.

“Where’s Tan?” You question.

Unbeknownst to you Tae freezes. “I— erm he’s with my parents right now” He internally cringes he hates lying to you. “Schedules have been real busy lately had to put him somewhere” At least that part was true.

Realistically there was no need to lie you about Yeontan’s whereabouts. I mean sure you would have looked at him funny probably asked a bunch of questions too but ultimately he could have told you. Yet he knew as soon as that question left your mouth he wasn’t going to tell you the truth.

Simply because he’s afraid.

Afraid that you’ll be ok with where Yeontan is right now. Who he’s with right now. And knowing you as much as Taehyung hates to admit it you most likely would be okay with it. You’ll probably read into it congratulate him on finding someone. Taehyung physically rolls his eyes at the thought. He wants you to burn like he did, like he does. He wants the thought of him choosing to leave Yeontan in the care of her instead of you consumes you whole. He wants it to devour you to haunt your every waking thought he wants it to—

“He’s all the way in Deagu? You know i would of taken him if you needed me to”

Taehyung blinks “I know”

He definitely does know.

But call him jealous, call him petty he didn’t care the thought of you and Jaehyun, Joon, Yoongi, Kook and fuck even Hoseok now consumed him. Consumes him. And that’s practically why he felt no shame in calling that number buried so deep in his contact list a week ago.

Now though, he must admit as he sits around an arms length away from you on his couch this whole “no shame” thing he was feeling before had just turned into pure guilt. Taehyung desperately tries to find your eyes but you refuse to make contact the air around you both suddenly awkward. Do you know he’s lying to you perhaps? Or is this just you upset because of the breakup? It’s very rare for Taehyung to be at a loss of what to say most of the time, so with everything in him he decides to break the awkwardness that has somehow found you both.

“Soooo…you went to see Hobi?”

Your eyes lighten up instantly thankful that Tae had taken the initiative to break the silence “Yeah i just wanted to make sure he got that the whole situation wasn’t actually his fault you know he gets in his head about that kind of stuff”

Taehyung nods along with what your saying

Another wave of awkward silence takes over.

You sigh and begin to get up off the couch.

“Maybe i should lea—”

“Did you fuck him?”

Both you and Tae’s eyes widen after the bold question leaves the man’s lips. Taehyung even slaps his hand over his mouth to had to the dramatics of it all.

“I’m sorry?” You begin

“No i’m sorry. I-I didn’t mean to ask that i just— i just noticed you are wearing Hobi’s hoodie and i just thought that— you know so i asked and—” Tae rambles trying to save himself.

You look down at the light blue hoodie you’re wearing very clearly not yours and equally clearly Hoseok’s due to the bold “J-HOPE” printed on each hoodie cuff and it entirely being a little too big for you. You look back up from the hoodie to Tae finding him still rambling on.

“I mean with you Jaehyun it’s like crazy so if you—”

You make eye contact with Taehyung and he shuts up almost immediately.

“What if i did?” The air shifts.

“Huh?” Taehyung is quick to reply

“Fuck Hoseok, what if i did fuck Hoseok?”

“T-thats cool” Taehyung suddenly feels small under your intense gaze.

“Is it?” You press

Taehyung nods unable to trust his own voice right now.

“Are you sure Taehyung?”

“Super sure. I don’t care”

“Then why ask?”

Taehyung turns his head away from you breaking the eye contact you both once held. The Tension in the room in the room is thick, suffocating. Taehyung takes a deep breath.

You’re here.

And Taehyung is still confused as to why. You’re making him feel guilty. Taehyung has nothing to feel guilty about. You’re still here you shouldn’t be here. Not after what’s happened today no. You’re here, why are you still here? This isn’t fair, not on him on you, on Hobi, on Joon Yoongi Koo—

Your delicate fingers on his jaw pull Taehyung both out of this spiralling thoughts and his head to face you again.

“I’m here” You speak slowly to him.

Taehyung can’t breath, he won’t breathe he refuses to breathe so many thoughts, too many thoughts it’s-it’s all not fair. Hot, his body feels hot his mind feels hot everything is just hot and the way you’re looking at him is just so…

Hot.

Fuck it. Taehyung throws all the nonexistent composure he had out the window and tugs you closer smashing his lips onto yours. His hands immediately find you hair while yours find rest on his neck your tongues dance in each other’s mouths for what feels like hours your kiss filled with so much passion and unspoken words before Taehyung pulls away for some much needed air. His hair just as disheveled as yours and lips just as swollen he smiles at you. He doesn’t say anything just stares and smiles. You go to open you mouth to say something but he’s quick to cut you off by diving back into your lips. He does this partly out of fear you’ll ask him to stop say this isn’t right and leave and party no fuck that definitely because if your lips aren’t on him in the next five seconds he’ll actually pass away.

In this moment Taehyung is happy. He’s happy and you’re here.

—

i don’t know where tf this came from shocked at myself actually

tags: @piw6n @92jinnies @birdie-vhs @kooksmilitarywife @hob3loveofmylife @jujubiism @bloopkook @ratchetpizza1 @myntalks @arloo00 @watamotee33 @y2kcy3brz @taiwan0618 @freyadanvers @gguksbeloved @raetf @bbsantc @winuvs @medicinemybish @bxnnyhime @leleluvsbts @baetukki @zyaaaszn @thelilbutifulthings @jazminethecreator @k4ngelz @jmnscutie @sopebubbles-replies @cynicalyoongs @lightningpussy54 @eunthv @gigiiiiislife @lowkeykin @elissasimp

[whinlatter]

Harry’s thoughts of Ginny in the Forest: a meta

‘Nothing too big, because you wouldn't be able to take it with you... I wanted you to have something to remember me by.' - DH, p. 99 (UK edition)

Here I am, on a rainy Thursday, doing re-reads for some writing and thinking about the parallels between Harry and Ginny's kiss on his birthday, and Harry’s thoughts of Ginny as he goes to his death. 

I’m thinking differently about Ginny’s motivations for the kiss these days. I used to think about her words to Harry that morning, and the act of kissing him, as a promise she’ll wait for when he comes back. Lately, I’m wondering if it’s not something sadder, and more profound. I think what Ginny does on Harry’s seventeenth is the act of a person who is starting to process the fact that the person she loves is likely going to his death — that he might not be coming back. It's a scene of a person bracing for grief and thinking about love after death, and it will set the stage for how Harry meets his own death in the Forest.

So here’s a much-too-long meta to help me think through these ideas - about the kiss, Ginny’s suspicions about Harry’s fate, and what it means that Harry returns to the memory of Ginny at the end of his life. (Stick the kettle on for this one and if you worked this all out long ago before me, just give me an eye roll and forgive me).

I’ve always taken Ginny's words to Harry before their kiss at face value. I thought of it not quite as a fun scene - it’s certainly sad - but sweet, a little sexy, and sort of reckless, even a bit mischievous on Ginny’s part.

It’s the birthday of the boy Ginny loves. They’re not together anymore. She knows he's going away. She wants to give him a birthday present, but she doesn't want to give him something he has to haul around or might lose. She does want to let him know that, despite their separation, her feelings are still the same. She craves a moment with him before he goes. She is still in love with him, she is deeply attracted to him, and part of her still feels a bit possessive. Although she’s not really concerned Harry’s going to crack on with some Veela, she does want him to have a memento of their time together. She wants him to have a happy memory, of physical intimacy and emotional comfort, to keep him going while he's away, to feel less alone.

Most of all, I used to think of the kiss (and whatever Ginny imagined might come after the kiss) as a promise. I still love you. Even though we’re not together and I respect why you have to go, I’m still all in on this. I’ll wait for you for when you come back. I want you to have the memory of this, as proof.

Harry’s reveal

But the more I’ve thought about it, the more I think about the context of when this kiss happens, after Harry and Ginny's last conversation before his birthday. It's the one a few days before, when Harry and Ginny are laying the table for dinner, and Harry lets slip to Ginny what he, Ron and Hermione will be doing when they leave:

'‘And then what does she think’s going to happen?’ Harry muttered. ‘Someone else might kill off Voldemort while she’s holding us here making vol-au-vents?’ He had spoken without thinking, and saw Ginny’s face whiten.‘So it’s true?’ she said. ‘That’s what you’re trying to do? ‘I - not - I was joking,’ said Harry evasively. (DH, 78-9, UK edition)

This is a desperately sad scene, but it’s also an important moment. Harry, so used to having his guard down with Ginny, realises he’s accidentally confessed something big: that he’s going on the run to try and kill Voldemort himself, with Ron and Hermione’s help. 

Ginny is shaken by this. As a character, she tends to either take things in her stride, or yells first, processes later. But this catches her off guard. Her words suggest there has been speculation about what it is the three of them are going off to do (‘So it’s true?’ suggests that Ginny, and perhaps other members of her family or the Order, have been speculating about this for some time). But both she and Harry realise here that he’s flippantly confirmed something huge that Ginny did not already know for sure. He’s spoken aloud the task is that Dumbledore has left him. 

It is a sign of how close Harry feels to Ginny, how safe he feels in her company, and how difficult he finds managing keeping secrets from her, that he lets this slip. He won’t come as close to telling the truth to anyone else, even people he trusts. The scene before this, in his conversation with Mrs Weasley, he didn’t let on nearly as much (though he admits that he found affirming the importance of secrecy difficult when he looked at Mrs Weasley and saw Ginny’s eyes staring back at him):

‘Well, Dumbledore left me . . . stuff to do,’ mumbled Harry. ‘Ron and Hermione know about it, and they want to come too.’ ‘What sort of ‘stuff’?’  ‘I’m sorry, I can’t—’  ‘Well, frankly I think Arthur and I have a right to know, and I’m sure Mr. and Mrs. Granger would agree!’ said Mrs. Weasley. Harry had been afraid of the “concerned parent” attack. He forced himself to look directly into her eyes, noticing as he did that they were precisely the same shade of brown as Ginny’s. This did not help… ‘Dumbledore didn’t want anyone else to know, Mrs. Weasley (…)  I didn’t misunderstand,’ said Harry flatly. ‘It’s got to be me.’ (DH, 77-8)

Later, he’ll also refuse to give any information to Lupin, for the same reason. 

'‘Can you confide in me what the mission is?’  Harry looked into the prematurely lined face, framed in thick but greying hair, and wished that he could return a different answer.  ‘I can’t, Remus, I’m sorry. If Dumbledore didn’t tell you I don’t think I can.’  ‘I thought you’d say that,’ said Lupin, looking disappointed.’ (DH, 173-4)

But with Ginny, he’s accidentally gone much further. He hasn’t said Horcruxes, but he’s as good as. The trio are setting off to try to kill Voldemort, the most dangerous task imaginable in this war. He tries, in vain, to undo it, but the damage is already done. Ginny knows more now than she did before: that the journey he’s about to go on is one that very likely will claim his life. 

What does Ginny know about Harry’s fate before this moment? 

It's clear from this interaction that Harry has never discussed any of this with Ginny before. In their breakup scene, Harry repeatedly said that he was breaking up with her for her own safety. He said he did not want her to be used as bait, as she already had been previously, and as Sirius was: 'Think how much danger you'll be in if we keep this up...' (HBP, 602). The focus was entirely on the risk to Ginny's life, a risk Harry says he cannot live with.

Ginny’s remarks at Dumbledore’s funeral told us something about how she, at that point, understood the path ahead for Harry. She made her half-joke that Harry was always busy saving the Wizarding World, and says she thinks he 'would never be happy', never fulfilled or satisfied, unless he were 'hunting Voldemort' (HBP, 603). She showed she interpreted his actions as choices being made by someone brave, determined, and personally committed to bringing about the end of Voldemort, not someone destined to. Harry’s motivations and reasons are ones she respects and empathises with. She knows the path ahead is dangerous. She doesn’t yet think of it as lethal. 

Harry didn’t respond to her assessments at the funeral, neither correcting nor confirming them. He didn’t let her know, at that stage, exactly what it is he is going to set off to do. The closest Harry came to revealing the road ahead for him in the break-up scene was this:

'It’s been like… like something out of someone else’s life, these last few weeks with you,' said Harry. 'But I can’t… we can’t… I’ve got things to do alone now.' She did not cry, she simply looked at him.’  (HBP, 602)

This is a pattern throughout their relationship, both as friends and later as romantic partners. Ginny knows a little, but not a lot, about Harry’s path. She thinks of it almost entirely as a decision he has made himself. Conversations about Harry’s destiny - about the Prophecy, about being the Chosen One, and, eventually, about the Horcrux hunt - happen near Ginny, but never with her. She does not seem to believe that Harry is the Chosen One or in any way bound to Voldemort's own fate. At the start of HBP, on the train in Slughorn’s carriage, Ginny states publicly her belief that any speculation about Harry being the Chosen One is nonsense: 

‘We never heard a prophecy,” said Neville, turning geranium pink as he said it. ‘That’s right,’ said Ginny staunchly. ‘Neville and I were both there too, and all this ‘Chosen One’ rubbish is just the Prophet making things up as usual.’ (HBP, 140)

Ultimately, before DH, Ginny has been given very little information. We can assume that she’s decided to respect Harry’s decision to keep any information from her and not to push for it. She has reason to fear he might be in danger, but she doesn’t yet know the full extent of it.

Ginny’s response

The immediate aftermath of Harry’s confession at the Burrow is very telling. 

‘They stared at each other, and there was something more than shock in Ginny’s expression. Suddenly Harry became aware that this was the first time that he had been alone with her since their stolen hours in secluded corners of the Hogwarts grounds. He was sure she was remembering them too.’ - DH (79)

It’s important that, immediately after this confession, Harry’s mind immediately takes him to private time spent alone with Ginny at the end of HBP. His certainty that Ginny, too, is reminiscing about them is typical of their wordless displays of understanding. They both reach for memories. And the memories of the last time he was alone with her, when they were still together, suddenly trigger an intense emotional and sexual tension. They are soon interrupted, and the dinner afterwards is extremely awkward. Harry wishes he were further away from Ginny, and tries, with great difficulty, to avoid touching her at the dinner table. The energy between them is intense and charged, anticipatory and frustrated. There are lots of ‘unsaid things’ that have just passed between them, and both are aware of it (DH, 79).

There are important themes being introduced here. Whenever Harry thinks about memories of his time with Ginny in DH, he does so consistently in two clear ways. To him, those times were private, intensely intimate moments which carried huge personal significance. It is strongly implied those were moments of sexual intimacy between the two of them, and where they shared an emotional closeness neither has found with any other character. But those moments with Ginny are also something Harry feels he was wrong to take. His relationship with her was something that, in retrospect, he embarked upon against his better judgement. He now feels it was something he was not entitled to, on account of his own burdens and obligations. Those were ‘stolen hours’ that were ‘something out of someone else’s life’. If we look to the wedding scene, we can see this most clearly:

‘‘Yes, my tiara sets off the whole thing nicely,’ said Auntie Muriel in a rather carrying whisper. ‘But I must say, Ginevra’s dress is far too low cut.’  Ginny glanced around, grinning, winked at Harry, then quickly faced the front again. Harry’s mind wandered a long way from the marquee, back to afternoons spent alone with Ginny in lonely parts of the school grounds. They seemed so long ago; they had always seemed too good to be true, as though he had been stealing shining hours from a normal person’s life, a person without a lightning-shaped scar on his forehead…’ (DH, 121) 

There are certain tropes at play here, that will that recur again and again in Harry’s thoughts of Ginny until the point of his death: the memory of time alone, the feeling of shared emotional and physical intimacy, to an intense degree; the sense of their time together being something stolen, both in the sense of it being snatched from within darker times, but also being forbidden, given with Harry’s fate when it comes to Voldemort. That Harry recalls these moments at a moment as two other characters make lifelong vows of marriage to each other is not insignificant: all is set up to maximise the sense of tragedy.

Ginny processing Harry’s fate

Ginny is not naive. Harry’s confession seems to change something about how she thinks about what he’s about to do. She may once have dismissed the prophecy of Harry as the Chosen One as nonsense. But she now has reason to suspect that might not quite be true.

She may well re-trace what she does know. After all, she was at the Department of Mysteries two summers prior, where she learnt that Voldemort, at least, thinks there is a prophecy of significance that involves Harry directly. She knows Harry has been having one-on-one lessons with Dumbledore: she even gave him one of the invitations (HBP, 228). She also knows that Harry and Dumbledore left school for a secret mission alone on the night the Astronomy Tower was attacked and Dumbledore was killed. She observed how Harry saw Dumbledore’s death as a catalyst to prepare for a path that required him to step back from her. Above all, we also know that Ginny is a character who understands Tom Riddle intimately. She is one of the people who comes closest to understanding the stakes of your life being bound, in some way, to Voldemort.

It is also significant that Ginny is a character canonically intrigued, and touched, by death, and by powerful Dark magic. The diary, and her own near-death experience, is the most obvious example. But in the Department of Mysteries during OotP, we are told she is also one of the characters most drawn to the veil, despite having far less direct experience of loss and grief than Harry, Luna, or even Neville:

‘[Harry] took several paces back from the dais and wrenched his eyes from the veil. ‘Let’s go,’ he said. ‘That’s what I’ve been trying to — well, come on, then!’ said Hermione, and she led the way back around the dais. On the other side, Ginny and Neville were staring, apparently entranced, at the veil too. Without speaking, Hermione took hold of Ginny’s arm, Ron Neville’s, and they marched them firmly back to the lowest stone bench and clambered all the way back up to the door.’ (OotP, 775)

I don’t mean to suggest Ginny knew what was coming for Harry, that she foresaw him having to go to his death. She knows nothing of Horcruxes, she doesn’t know the contents of the Prophecy, and she certainly doesn’t know Harry himself is a Horcrux. Harry, of course, doesn’t yet know the certainty of him going to his own death, at this point in the text. But given the information she alone has been handed, inadvertently, by Harry, she has plenty of reason to begin to suspect the path Harry is on is one that might end in death, moreso for him than for an anyone else in this war.

Ginny doesn’t appear much in the following pages, other than in her role helping to prepare the house for the wedding. Over the next few days, she has lots of time to consider Harry’s words. We know she’s also sharing a bedroom with Hermione, who is actively preparing for their imminent departure, and watching the three of them try to sneak off together to make plans. This is time for Ginny to start to digest the information Harry has unwittingly divulged. She can now begin to think about how she ought to respond to the prospect of him leaving for a mission that will, likely, cost him his life.

The kiss itself

We can see Ginny has planned this interaction with Harry in her bedroom. The false casualness of how the scene opens - ‘Harry, can you come in here a moment?’ - and the actions of the bedroom’s other occupant, Hermione, suggests some level of premeditation and collaboration. For the first time, Ginny brings him into her bedroom, with the door closed. The setting is obviously intimate and suggestive.

Harry describes Ginny as seeming nervous, but purposeful, like she is readying herself for something - she ‘[takes] a deep breath’. She is looking at him ‘steadily’. Harry is nervous, too: he cannot bring himself to look at her, finding it almost painful, like ‘gazing into a brilliant light’ (DH, 98). Her trademark blazing look is in full force. She doesn’t entertain his attempts at small talk: she is serious about what she’s about to do.

‘‘I couldn’t think what to get you,’ she said.  ‘You didn’t have to get me anything.’ She disregarded this too.’ (DH, 98-9)

Ginny opens by revealing how difficult it has been for her to work out what she could give him, under the circumstances. She is, in her own way, acknowledging how hard she is finding processing what it is he has to do now. She has been struggling with the prospect of Harry’s departure, and the possibility, even the likelihood, of his death. But she has decided she wants to make that path easier for him. Despite his reassurance, she insists she wanted to give him something. 

‘‘I didn’t know what would be useful. Nothing too big, because you wouldn’t be able to take it with you.” He chanced a glance at her. She was not tearful...' (99)

These lines are so significant. The first two lines in particular are deeply profound. They read very differently to how I first thought of them, if seen in this light. I didn’t know what would be useful, she says, because she doesn't know what she can say that will be useful. What could possibly make this easier, to help Harry think about the enormity of his situation, or to help guide him on a path requiring him to accept his own likely death? 

She doesn’t want what she gives to him now to be too heavy, too sad, or too serious, because she knows Harry will not be able to deal with it (‘nothing too big’). Anything too declaratory, too sentimental, or too enormous, would be impossible for him to leave with. In the last part of the sentence, her words are deliberately vague: because you wouldn’t be able to take it with you. 

I think this is the most poignant part, and it suggests the part of Ginny's mind that believes in, and is curious about, what happens beyond, after death: the voices on the other side of the veil. I think there is some part of her that thinks Harry might be going somewhere she can’t reach him - what Dumbledore will later call going on. Ginny does not openly speculate about where Harry will be taking whatever she gives him. That it could be to his own grave, or beyond, is left unspoken. He looks at her, finally, after these words, because he seems to understand, on some level, what she is trying to say to him.

‘She took a step closer to him. ‘So then I thought, I’d like you to have something to remember me by, you know, if you meet some veela when you’re off doing whatever you’re doing.’’ (DH, 99)

Ginny has decided: the thing she will give him is a memory, one that he can take with him when they part. Something to remember me by. She wants the memory of her, of them, to be useful, to serve him in some way, and to be something that he might be able to take on with him after death. She tries to soften what she’s trying to convey, with the joke about the veela. But both seem to understand what she is really saying: that she isn’t really asking for his loyalty or fidelity. She doesn’t say she’s giving him ‘something to remember me by’ for when he comes back and they can be together again. Her words are very final. The joke is supposed to make it easier for him to hear what she is saying: she’s telling him, quietly, how to think about her when he leaves, whatever leaving might mean.

Harry, for his part, continues the joke. (‘I think dating opportunities are going to be pretty thin on the ground, to be honest.’) She plays along, sort of, in a very sad way (‘there’s the silver lining I’ve been looking for’). But both seem to know that there is no real silver lining to this. 

And then there’s the kiss itself: 

‘There’s the silver lining I’ve been looking for,’ she whispered, and then she was kissing him as she had never kissed him before, and Harry was kissing her back, and it was blissful oblivion, better than Firewhisky; she was the only real thing in the world, Ginny, the feel of her, one hand at her back and one in her long, sweet-smelling hair —’ (DH, 99)

It all comes to a head here. Harry recognises that this kiss feels exceptional, unlike any other they’ve ever shared - that Ginny has never put so much into a kiss before. It is ‘blissful oblivion’, this moment of extraordinary intensity, where she kisses him and allows him, for a moment, to think only about her and them together. It’s heady and sexual (‘the feel of her’). It’s a gift for Harry  to be able to forget everything and let this moment be a vacuum, to focus only on her. The crescendo effect of the short causes and run-on sentences allows the moment to build and build, a crescendo effect that anticipates something to come. 

Of course, their moment gets interrupted, again. Unlike when Ron interrupted her with Dean, Ginny doesn't rage at him this time: she is subdued, a response that is far more appropriate for her processing the fact that she may have just had her final kiss with the boy she loves. Harry suspects she has started to cry, something he notes is out of character. Ginny had imbued a lot of meaning into this interaction: this is a portrait of a character whose heart is breaking.

When Harry and Ron are discussing the kiss outside on the lawn, after the initial shock of being yelled at by Ron for going anywhere near Ginny, Harry has his own, shattering realisation of what all of this means for himself and Ginny:

‘Yeah, but you go snogging her now and she’s just going to get her hopes up again—’ ‘She’s not an idiot, she knows it can’t happen, she’s not expecting us to— to end up married, or—’  As he said it, a vivid picture formed in Harry’s mind of Ginny in a white dress, marrying a tall, faceless, and unpleasant stranger. In one spiralling moment it seemed to hit him: Her future was free and unencumbered, whereas his . . . he could see nothing but Voldemort ahead.’ (DH, 100)

Thinking aloud, Harry says it would be idiotic for he or Ginny to imagine they could be together, either now, or at any point in the future. He expects her to find someone else; he cannot even begin to imagine a future for himself after the task set out for him. He does not say his inevitable death - he has not yet embraced that reality - but he remains caught in the certainty of an existential battle with Voldemort that he knows he may well not survive.

Later that day, Harry will receive the snitch from Dumbledore’s will. Though he doesn’t know it yet, he now holds the resurrection stone, the item that will open at the close in the forest. It is a birthday that starts and ends with hints about what little time he has left: the stage is set for an arc that, now, has to end in his own death.

Foreshadowing Ginny and the Forest

Moments foreshadowing the significance of the forest are all over Deathly Hallows. Sometimes, they mirror the moment of his own death; often, they are related to Ginny. When they leave the Ministry, with Ron splinched, clutching the Horcrux locket, they arrive in a forest. For a moment Harry’s heart ‘leaped’ at the thought that they were back in Hogwarts’ grounds, the site of so much of his earlier happiness with Ginny (DH, 221). When the trio hear that Ginny, Neville and Luna tried to steal the sword of Gryffindor, it is the Forbidden Forest they are sent to by Snape as punishment (248-9). Harry does not fear the Forest, and is consoled by the thought of Ginny serving detention there rather than anywhere else.

In the Forest of Dean, the scene where Ron returns begins with Harry thinking of Ginny. He sits at the mouth of the tent, wanting to look for Ginny on the Marauders’ Map, until he remembers it’s Christmastime and she is at the Burrow (297). Later, in a moment that mirrors his later walk to his death, he follows his mother - Snape’s patronus, the doe - into the woods, in order to recover and destroy the Horcrux, inching Harry’s own life closer to its close:

Though the darkness had swallowed her whole, [the doe’s] burnished image was still imprinted on his retinas; it obscured his vision, brightening when he lowered his eyelids, disorienting him. Now fear came: Her presence had meant safety. “Lumos!” he whispered, and the wand-tip ignited. The imprint of the doe faded away with every blink of his eyes as he stood there, listening to the sounds of the forest, to distant crackles of twigs…  He held the wand higher. Nobody ran out at him, no flash of green light burst from behind a tree. Why, then, had she led him to this spot?’ (DH, 299)

Foreshadowing Harry's end in the Forest means also foreshadowing Ginny's own appearance at the moment of his death.

Harry’s ‘death’ in the Forest 

In the final battle, Ginny is the last person Harry sees before he begins his walk into the Forest. He takes the words she says to the child on the ground as her final act of comfort. Harry hears them as if they are being spoken to him: 

‘He was feet away from her when he realised it was Ginny.  He stopped in his tracks. She was crouching over a girl who was whispering for her mother.  ‘It’s all right,’ Ginny was saying. ‘It’s okay. We’re going to get you inside.’  ‘But I want to go home,’ whispered the girl. ‘I don’t want to fight anymore!’ ‘I know,’ said Ginny, and her voice broke. ‘It’s going to be all right.’  Ripples of cold undulated over Harry’s skin. He wanted to shout out to the night, he wanted Ginny to know that he was there, he wanted her to know where he was going. He wanted to be stopped, to be dragged back, to be sent back home (...) Ginny was kneeling beside the injured girl now, holding her hand. With a huge effort Harry forced himself on. He thought he saw Ginny look around as he passed, and wondered whether she had seen someone walking nearby, but he did not speak, and he did not look back.’ (DH, 558-9)

Harry believes that this is his final moment with Ginny before he goes to die. A part of him wants her to know that it’s happening: he is leaving, at last. But he can't call to her, because he worries she will try and stop him, and he might let her. Instead, he walks on, and doesn’t look back. After watching Ginny comfort the girl crying for her mother, Harry then goes on to the Forest, and summons his own mother, his own family, to walk with him to his death.  

‘His body and mind felt oddly disconnected now, his limbs working without conscious instruction, as if he were passenger, not driver, in the body he was about to leave. The dead who walked beside him through the forest were much more real to him now that the living back at the castle: Ron, Hermione, Ginny, and all the others were the ones who felt like ghosts as he stumbled and slipped toward the end of his life, toward Voldemort. . . .' (DH, 561-2)

Harry is already preparing to go on from this world: his living loved ones are the ones he now feels furthest from. He stands now with the dead he has summoned, who recognise him and seem to have memories of him. He doesn't fear the dead: he is going to join them.

It’s the death scene itself that I think has subtle, but important parallels with the kiss scene much earlier. In both imagery and in writing style, the scene recalls that earlier moment, where Harry found himself on the edge of another kind of oblivion. There is this mounting, febrile sense of anticipation. There is a tension that is almost sexual, a dynamic injected into the scene through descriptions of Bellatrix’s body language and behaviour towards Voldemort:

‘Bellatrix, who had leapt to her feet, was looking eagerly from Voldemort to Harry, her breast heaving. The only things that moved were the flames and the snake, coiling and uncoiling in the glittering cage behind Voldemort’s head.’  (DH, 564)

The ugly parallel of Bellatrix and Voldemort is not supposed to show the pair as the mirror image of Harry and Ginny. Rather, it is a theme that recurs throughout the series to demonstrate the gulf between Harry, with his immense capacity for love, and Voldemort, with none. Bellatrix and Ginny are memorably paralleled twice in the series: once, at the Department of Mysteries, where Bellatrix moves to ‘torture the little girl’, and Harry steps in to prevent her (OotP, 783), and again in the final battle: 

'Bellatrix was still fighting too, fifty yards away from Voldemort, and like her master she dueled three at once: Hermione, Ginny, and Luna, all battling their hardest, but Bellatrix was equal to them, and Harry’s attention was diverted as a Killing Curse shot so close to Ginny that she missed death by an inch—  He changed course, running at Bellatrix rather than Voldemort, but before he had gone a few steps he was knocked sideways…’ (DH, 589)

As Harry waits for the killing curse, we see the most direct parallel with Ginny's final kiss to him:

‘None of the Death Eaters moved. They were waiting: everything was waiting. Hagrid was struggling, and Bellatrix was panting, and Harry thought inexplicably of Ginny, and her blazing look, and the feel of her lips on his — ’ (DH, 564)

There's such an intense physicality and breathlessness to the whole scene, and an enduring pseudo-sexual tension, with Bellatrix audibly panting. Even the sentence structure even invokes the kissing scene: the run-on build up of clauses, the repetition of the present participle to actively hold the reader in one present moment, building and building and ending on a dash, the promise of something more.

At the end of his life, Harry returns to the memory Ginny gave him. She meant for it to be useful, if he was to go to his death. And at the close of his life he chooses to use it, as he prepares to leave her behind in this world and depart for the next. Just as the Resurrection Stone helped accept death, so too does the memory of Ginny. He feels the memory of her, the sensation of physical touch and of being kissed, the look she gives him that he knows as one of love and great courage. As he is killed, he remembers her last gift to him, the certainty of her love for him impressed upon him.

--

There's a line in OotP that I think is such an underrated line that sums up who Ginny is as a character. Harry is trying to get to Umbridge's fire to speak to Sirius when he thinks the latter is being tortured at the Ministry; Hermione suggests using Ginny and Luna as a distraction, despite Harry's objections:

'Though clearly struggling to understand what was going on, Ginny said immediately, ‘Yeah, we’ll do it,'... (OotP, 736)

This is who Ginny is. It's especially who she is to Harry, during the war. She doesn't fully know what's actually being asked of Harry (and, by extension, what is being asked of her, as the person who loves him, and who has most to lose if he is to die). But even when kept in the dark, she is enormously selfless, and her biggest act of bravery is extremely quiet. She keeps the secret Harry accidentally bestows on her, and she realises, in some sense, before he does, what it will likely mean for his life. She chooses to let him go on, knowing that he is loved, to make the path that he is on a little bit easier, even when she has realised that it will take him away from her for good.

[nalyra-dreaming]

https://www.tumblr.com/nalyra-dreaming/750916431920676864/hi-nalyra-i-may-be-reading-you-wrong-so-clarify

Regarding my last ask I have a rough idea but you can go ahead and explain

Sure!

So, buckle up ;)

So I just checked but the only true Loumand post I tagged “lol“ on was this one (if I saw that correctly):

Note that "I can SMELL the discourse that will happen already" there.

That is something I anticipate - because, well. Armand... is Armand.

I'll elaborate the (book) canon on that below the cut:

Armand has been a coven master for centuries, in the Children of Satan/Darkness and later as the master at the theater. He was literally tasked to uphold the laws of the vampires and did so as he saw fit. I have talked about them here, note also the difference these laws go through in the books:

Armand does what he sees is best, which does not always align with what others think is best. For example he usually hunts down rogue vampires, "cleaning up" so to speak, which is something that Lestat for example is loathe to do in the later books.

And he canonically influences Louis several time with the mind/spell gift, to make him do something - even after he promised Louis not to do so (here an ask with quotes):

Armand originally is interested in Louis because he is Lestat's ... he literally "imprinted" on Lestat when showed up after his turning, because Lestat reminded him so much of Marius.

Lestat goes to him to plead for Louis' and Claudia's life after Claudia tried to kill him, and Armand, though he did promise he would help Lestat if he asked him to, throws him into a dungeon instead, starves him, and then uses him at the trial against Louis and Claudia.

The trial itself happens because Louis - even deeply infatuated with Armand - decides to leave with Claudia and Madeleine after all. (And of course the coven knows, and insists on the rules.)

Armand uses the spell gift on him as they are taken by the coven to be tried.

Louis is sentenced to be entombed, something the original cult Armand was the leader of did to young vampires - until they're mad or manage to dig themselves out.

Claudia is sentenced to death. Madeleine as well. Later on it is revealed that Armand has a little surgical theater there as well, where he conducts the experiment of chopping off Claudia's head to sew it onto a grown woman's body. But he is unsatisfied with the result and puts Claudia and Madeleine into the sun after.

Armand digs Louis out after a while, and Louis feeds (a lot) and destroys the coven.

He thinks Lestat died there, but actually it is later revealed that Armand throws Lestat off a tower instead, and tells Lestat Louis and Claudia are dead.

Louis goes on, numb, and Armand... tags along, keeping a "veil" between Louis and the world.

Louis stays with Armand, because he has nowhere else to go - and despite knowing that Armand killed Claudia.

He stays until the veil is lifted and Armand finally tells him Lestat did not die.

Armand... is Armand.

We will see the horrific things he can do wrt the Devil's Minion arc with Daniel as well, because Armand hunted Daniel. And the beginning of their relationship was far from cute. I think that will be episode 5.

Also, Armand is not too big on consent. He does what he thinks best.

I reblogged something earlier wrt this as well:

So where does that leave us with the show and wrt my tag? :)

When Armand says he never hurt Louis then he is not lying. But look at their faces after:

That's history, baby.

Because no, Armand does not physically hurt Louis.

But he literally hurts everyone Louis loves in an effort to keep Louis for himself.

He experiments and then kills Claudia (and Madeleine). He hurts Lestat and tells him Louis is dead. He tells Louis Lestat is dead and keeps him under the "veil".

And it will be far from pretty.

[amber-laughs]

Ned and Lyanna's Pale Blue Roses

There is so much yet to be revealed from the Tower of Joy but the most notable missing detail is Jon Snow himself. He has no place in Ned’s memory of Lyanna’s death. Ned explicitly says only he and Howland Reed left the Tower of Joy alive that day, but we know this can’t be true. They left the tower with another living breathing human being and Ned knows that too. So what gives?

“I might mention, though, that Ned's account, which you refer to, was in the context of a dream... and a fever dream at that. Our dreams are not always literal.” - George R.R. Martin. Not only that but Ned himself admits there is much he simply blacked out from “They had found him still holding her body, silent with grief. The little crannogman, Howland Reed, had taken her hand from his. Ned could recall none of it.”

and may I remind you “A blue flower grew from a chink in a wall of ice, and filled the air with sweetness” A Clash of Kings - Daenerys IV 

I think Ned’s mind, through his trauma, grief and determination to leave the past behind, has altered his memories. I think Ned has mentioned Jon almost everytime he mentions the scene in the tower. I think Jon is the blue rose petals from Ned’s memories.

"Eddard!" she called. A storm of rose petals blew across a blood-streaked sky, as blue as the eyes of death. A Game of Thrones - Eddard X 

If Lyanna’s voice was as damaged as Ned claims “The fever had taken her strength and her voice had been faint as a whisper” and yet he could hear her calling for him, surely he could hear a baby crying. Surely Ned knew the Kingsguard would never let him, a rebel whose cause had just murdered Aegon and Rhaenys in cold blood, anywhere near Rhaegar’s last living son. So as Jon’s cries blow across the blood streaked sky Ned knows what comes next.

“The fever had taken her strength and her voice had been faint as a whisper, but when he gave her his word, the fear had gone out of his sister's eyes. Ned remembered the way she had smiled then, how tightly her fingers had clutched his as she gave up her hold on life, the rose petals spilling from her palm, dead and black.” A Game of Thrones - Eddard I

So was Jon just lying on the floor of the tower? He had to have been somewhere? His mother’s arms? Until her muscles gave out and fell to the bed she laid on maybe.

“But Jon isn’t dead, the rose petals are dead.” True but the petals Ned claims he saw in the wind weren’t dead either. Jon Snow isn’t dead but Lyanna’s son is. He never existed. Rhaegar’s children are all dead. Only Ned Stark’s bastard remains.

"The night of our wedding feast, the first time we shared a bed, he called me by your sister's name. He was on top of me, in me, stinking of wine, and he whispered Lyanna." Ned Stark thought of pale blue roses, and for a moment he wanted to weep. A Game of Thrones - Eddard XII

Cersei is currently speaking of Lyanna but make no mistake, this conversation is wrapped around Jon Snow. 

Ned thought, If it came to that, the life of some child I did not know, against Robb and Sansa and Arya and Bran and Rickon, what would I do? Even more so, what would Catelyn do, if it were Jon's life, against the children of her body? He did not know. He prayed he never would. A Game of Thrones - Eddard XII

He doesn’t list Jon with his biological children but Ned’s saying he’d react with the same paternal instinct and, unlike Catelyn, he wouldn’t save them at the expense of Jon. That’s why he shifts to it to her, she’s the unknown variable in this. Ned doesn’t need to wonder because he’s already done it. He’s chosen Jon’s safety for fifteen years knowing the Starks could be executed over his secret.

What do you take me for? You've a bastard of your own, I've seen him. Who was the mother, I wonder? Some Dornish peasant you raped while her holdfast burned? A whore? Or was it the grieving sister, the Lady Ashara? She threw herself into the sea, I'm told. Why was that? For the brother you slew, or the child you stole? Tell me, my honorable Lord Eddard, how are you any different from Robert, or me, or Jaime?" "For a start," said Ned, "I do not kill children. A Game of Thrones - Eddard XII

Cersei asks a few questions here that in large boil down to “Who is your bastard’s mother?” Ned’s only response is “I do not kill children.” He’s given her his answer. Probably the most answer honest he ever gave about Jon. All he wants to do for Cersei is keep her children from the same fate as Rhaegar’s. He’s done it successfully once before, that his blueprint here. But of course he won’t allow his mind to go there. He never dwells on Jon’s parentage, not even in the privacy of his own mind. “(…) and he whispered Lyanna." Ned Stark thought of pale blue roses, and for a moment he wanted to weep.” He thinks of pale blue roses, of the innocent children at stake. Of the death of his sister and how she died and he wants to weep.

The Kings of Winter watched him pass with eyes of ice, and the direwolves at their feet turned their great stone heads and snarled. Last of all, he came to the tomb where his father slept, with Brandon and Lyanna beside him. "Promise me, Ned," Lyanna's statue whispered. She wore a garland of pale blue roses, and her eyes wept blood. A Game of Thrones - Eddard XIII

They are angry with him, the Kings of Winter, Lyanna, there is something he didn’t do. In Jon’s own dreams it’s the Kings of Winter he sees on his way to his mother’s grave. They try to tell him. They scream he’s not a Stark, they want him to know just as much as she does. Her pale blue roses still haunt him while she cries for the promises they both know he can no longer keep. When he slept, he dreamed: dark disturbing dreams of blood and broken promises. A Game of Thrones - Eddard XV

Ned Stark reached out his hand to grasp the flowery crown, but beneath the pale blue petals the thorns lay hidden. He felt them clawing at his skin, sharp and cruel, saw the slow trickle of blood run down his fingers, and woke, trembling, in the dark. A Game of Thrones - Eddard XV

For certain only Ned and Howland Reed knew the truth. A good argument for Benjen, who Ned’s heard is dead beyond the Wall. No he’ll never tell Jon the truth no matter how much he wants now wants to, “The thought of Jon filled Ned with a sense of shame, and a sorrow too deep for words. If only he could see the boy again, sit and talk with him…”  Secrets hidden beneath pale blue petals never to be revealed. 

[soupthatistohot]

Soukoku is a bit fucked up... but that's why they work

Dazai and Chuuya do not have a normal relationship, however you want to define that (platonic or romantic). Without the context of their backgrounds, it reads as like... really fucked up. And that's true, to an extent, but to eliminate their circumstances is to do them a great disservice, in my opinion

First of all, I'd like to acknowledge that I'm fully cognisant of the fact that skk were not written to be a romantic pairing— Asagiri simply does not intend for them to be perceived as such. That being said, this does not mean that audience interpretations of a media are invalid. I ship skk, and as such this analysis may include my romantic interpretations of them as a pair and i acknowledge this bias at the same time that I acknowledge the validity of my interpretation.

Let's look at Chuuya's background first. He has little to no memory of his life prior to 7 years old, when he was separated from his family and treated as a government experiment. After his escape, he was an orphan on the streets taken in by a group of fellow orphans. He quickly rose to be the leader and protector of this group, who would eventually literally stab him in the back when he was manipulated into working with and eventually joining the Port Mafia. He spent his teen years with a suicidal maniac as a partner, watched countless friends and a clone of himself die, and found out a literal god was living in him, forcing him to question his humanity.

Dazai's past is much less clear. We don't know what his family was like, but we know that Mori recruited him after discovering him after a suicide attempt and began grooming him as the Demon Prodigy. He was forced to be an accomplice to a murder, and was constantly manipulated by and possibly physically abused by Mori. He was known for his coldness and was feared by many as a monster for the majority of his teenage years, and was expected to eventually become the boss of the Port Mafia through assassinating Mori, which the latter was paranoid about. Finally, one of his best friends betrayed him and the other died in his arms when he was eighteen years old, something plotted out by Mori, which resulted in his defection from the organization.

As teens, skk had a weird relationship (and that's putting it lightly). There was a certain level of contempt they held for one another. Chuuya resented Dazai's pessimism and lack of regard for others, and Dazai resented Chuuya's emotional and aggressive nature. Yet, they both had a deep understanding of one another that no one else really seemed to have at the time. They recognized one another as human when the individual himself did not. They had full faith and trust in each other, not allowing each other to die despite their disdain. It was complicated, and it wasn't quite healthy... but it was pretty damn good considering they were traumatized children in the Port Mafia.

There's a certain level of abusive behavior between them as teens, and I won't ignore that. Dazai played a large part in manipulating Chuuya into entering the mafia, and Chuuya insulted Dazai's suicidal and depressive nature a lot. Dazai found pleasure in causing Chuuya pain, both physically and emotionally. Chuuya literally has a list of torture techniques to use against Dazai. This is why I often stray from portraying an established romantic relationship at this point in their lives. I don't think they understood who they were fully yet, and sometimes projected their issues onto each other. Even if they were in love at that time, neither of them would have been ready for that type of commitment. I also just think they were too emotionally constipated to get to that point, anyway.

Something that I do love about their relationship as teens, though, is how they let each other be kids. Their bickering and arguments were childish and dumb, but that's the closest thing they had at the time to being normal teenagers. Amongst all the doom and gloom that surrounded them in the mafia, they knew that they could always go to each other and have a mindless argument or competition. In a way, this is how they reclaimed their stolen childhoods.

We see this when they're adults, too. In their first encounter in four years they tease each other about the same things as before, slipping right back into their childish banter. It's silly and immature, but that's how they operate. They allow each other to have that, and I really love this aspect of their relationship.

I think there's something to be said for how their time apart was good for them. Dazai is most clearly in a better place than before. Sure, he's masking a lot of the time, and he's still clearly suicidal, but I think the work he does with the agency is more fulfilling than at the mafia. He has more of a purpose, even if it's just to stay true to his promise to Oda (though I do believe it's more than that now). At his core, he's still a suicidal pessimist who finds humanity utterly disgusting and doesn't quite consider himself to be human, but I think there's a level of contentment of what he's doing with his life.

It's less obvious how Chuuya has changed, but I think that he has. He exhibits more self-confidence and maturity than in his teen years. He's more capable and well-rounded as an executive, and it's a personal headcanon of mine that in Dazai's absence, he was forced to pick up some of his skills of perceptibility and deduction. I think he is in a better place than before, as well, especially because he was able to establish himself independent of Double Black. He has also settled within Port Mafia, recognizing them as his family, which means he, too, is likely more content.

So as adults, they display less of the abusive behaviors than they did previously. Of course, there's still a certain level to which they're abnormal. Their jokes and quips about one another are sometimes quite dark, and there's a certain level to which Dazai still exhibits power over him when it comes to deciding to use Corruption. But that trust is still there, despite their time apart, and so too is that understanding of each other. They're not perfect by any means, but given their traumatic upbringings... they're kind of perfect for each other.

There is the fact that they want to kill each other. I'll admit that I struggle to explain this aspect, but I'll try my best, because I think it's not as bad as it sounds. I just think it makes sense for them. They're both sorta unkillable, so this aspect of their rivalry denotes a certain respect for each other. It's also a matter of likely knowing that they actually won't ever kill each other (and no, this isn't me being in denial about ch. 101, I fully believe that Chuuya is not dead, there is no way he's going out like that). This is one of the more complex aspects of their relationship, but when you add it to everything else we know about them, it just sorta works. I mean... thinking of ways to kill your partner for 7 years? That's kinda gay.

At the end of the day, skk keep each other in check and allow each other to have fun. They trust, know and respect each other, and though they claim to hate each other, I really don't think this is true. It's much more than that. They're rivals, they're partners, they're soulmates! And honestly, that's what makes them so goddamn interesting.

[lopposting]

translation notes on deleted lines + why translation is truly so important

[long post]

Hello everyone... As I'm sure you've seen, the deleted lines here that were leaked have been a wrecking ball on both this fanbase and my heart!!! (thank you to the users who put that together.)

OKOKOK more translation notes!!! This is a little too out of my level in Korean for me tbh, but I'll try my best to explain my point of view.

기억은 없지만 저 역시 당신의 아들임니다. I may not remember, but I'm still your son.

Pino is using the form Dangshin (당신) here and not father (as in 기억은 없지만 저 역시 아버지의 아들입니다?), probably because he isn't directly talking to Geppetto, and it's a general formal version of "you".

Grammatical notes aside and getting to the main point, this line shows that translation is SO finicky and SO important

This line is such a completely crazy example of how translation can change an entire story; how one word can make something entirely different.

Let's look at that line with the two different interpretations.

기억은 없지만 저 역시 당신의 아들입니다. I may not remember, but I'm still your son.

Alternatively, where 역시 (yeokshi) is interpreted as "TOO":

기억은 없지만 저 역시 당신의 아들입니다. I may not have [his] memories, but I'm your son, too.

Here's the thing... "but I'm still your son, too"...

that "too" changes EVERYTHING. That little three letter word, at the end of that sentence changes everything, and has the power to steer an entire story. Because why would he need to add the "too" modifier if Geppetto only had one single child?

At my level, I cannot say that it's one or the other with 100% certainty. Translation always requires some form of interpretation, and either one is "accurate". But, as you know, a translation being "accurate" is often not even enough. [note: In the process of writing this post, and giving it some thought. I would say that yes, considering the context, the second translation is more accurate (because in this context he is referring to Carlo's memories when he uses the word "역시") ]

Deleted lines are deleted for a reason

Over the many days I've been deliberating over this (lol Lies has taken me heart and mind), I've realized that maybe I've gotten caught up in a bit of survivorship bias. As in, I think I was focusing on the content of the deleted lines, and not that they were deleted in the first place.

[Among other reasons,]

I think these lines were likely deleted because the (almighty gods) Developers wanted to keep it more ambiguous and up to interpretation whether or not P is Carlo. It's a very intriguing choice. That being said, I really appreciate that people shared this so we can see the creative decisions that were even made in the first place.

I'm reminded of Antonia's letter, because I still find it that profound. (she really was the best ;_;) When she sees Pino, she doesn't mention carlo at all to Pino, lady Antonia just treats him exactly as he is.

And her final letter is so touching. Perhaps guessing what complicated emotions Pino might be feeling about his relation to Carlo.. she tells him, not that he is or isn't Carlo, but that

"Whether you are that child or not -"

he is worthy of love and that he is precious.

"Whether you are Carlo or not, You are precious to me."

Director Choi's message on the Special Release Vinyl:

This is from discogs, the quality is hard to read so I've transcribed this portion here.

Lies of P harbors a plethora of concealed enigmas and artful subtleties, and there are no wrong interpretations to them. Piece together the scattered fragments and unravel the puzzle to craft a narrative of what is true to you. ... With sincerest regards, Lies of P Director CHOI JIWON

Seems to directly confirm that some things being left up for interpretation is by design. Very very neat!! I love it!! :)

[alien-writes]

Calling the Obey Me boys Baby Girl in front of the others

For context you call him this behind closed doors but not around others, then one day during dinner (with the dateables joining in their scenarios) you finally slip up.

Looking directly at him you forget your company and say, “Hey, Baby girl-…uh”

✰ Lucifer

Everyone is silent as the brothers look at each other to confirm they heard it too

They all look to you and Lucifer too shocked to react 

The sigh he lets out is so tired and just done like he stayed up till 4am working on an assignment and it got deleted so he has to redo it all, just that level of tired despair

He stands up and tells you to meet him in his study to talk 

If it was purely accidental and you feel bad he will still ask you to meet him in his study to talk but more to get you both away from his brothers until things can die down

Once you both leave all hell breaks loose

If Diavolo was there or finds out and comments on it, Lucifer will lock himself in his study

Mammon tries to bring it up and ended up losing Goldie again along with a punishment that warned him and everyone else to never speak of the nickname again

Might take a couple days before you can call him that without him shuttering from the memory

✰ Mammon

To be fair no one respects him any less since they never respected him in the first place

His tsundere and bad lying is in full swing

“Wa-what that's a dumb thing to say since I am the great Mammon who would never like to be called some stupid name, like who would even enjoy that! I am a dominant, manly demon who is no one's Baby Girl! Ju-just stop looking at me like that” 

Asmo has to step in to shut down his toxic mindset even if he was lying so the dinner soon becomes a lecture on how being submissive and enjoying pleasure doesn't make you ‘less of a man’

Mammon is even more embarrassed now but at least he isn’t alone in the embarrassment and honestly even though he already knew this hearing it made him feel a little less bad

Good news after Asmo’s lesson everyone feels awkward so no one brings it up again 

Besides Asmo that is but he senses that mammon still feels shame and tries to cheer him up in his own way which often makes him blush and stammer but feel a bit better 

Overall he feels mortified but surprisingly more confident in himself and less shame in enjoying the title 

✰ Levi

Red faced and looking at his lap to avoid everyone’s eyes on him he mumbles “y-yes..?”

Everyone's a little taken aback but once they got over the initial shock they honestly aren’t that surprised

Despite this Levi is mortified and can barely make it through the rest of the meal before hiding in his room

Congrats, you killed him

It takes a couple weeks before he can look his brothers in the eye and survive dinner without running out of the dinner room

When you call him baby girl after this he will become more flustered than normal which you thought wasn’t possible, but he still really enjoys the nickname

A good way to help him recover faster is to light heartedly joke about it like saying if it would help he can ‘accidentally’ call you your title or say that it's true that he’s your baby girl 

He will squirm and blush but smile and feel more confident in your relationship

✰ Satan

Refuses to acknowledge what you said, doesn’t look up or even react, one could even believe he didn’t hear you if he wasn’t aggressively blushing

Mammon questioningly repeats it to confirm what happened only to shut up after Satan's piercing glare that makes everyone drop it, even if he is red faced

Asmo doesn’t get the hint or does and ignores it so he can continue teasing his big bro 

He tries to hold back but after Asmo calls him baby girl one too many times he will have you hold his book because he is gonna be one of 6 when he is done

You're the only one who can stop him if you want to that is, makes him feel a bit better if he can beat up one of devildom’s most powerful demons he can deal with some good natured teasing

Still to help him get over the incident give him some one on one time including reading, head pets, and lots of pet names so he associates the name with your relationship instead of the dinner

✰ Asmo

“Yes Daddy/Dommy/Master/(whatever title you use)”

If you thought he would be embarrassed then you clearly don’t know Asmo

Enjoys the others reactions which is a healthy mix of blushing, awkward looks, amused smirks, annoyance, and genuine fear

Most are caught off guard by the sudden nickname but honestly no one is surprised and lucifer is thankful that you didn’t call him something worse

It is impossible for the others to tease him because he just plays along if they call him it or lectures them on how pleasure shouldn't be a source of shame as long as its safe, sane, and consensual

Everyone drops it after the lecture because they agree and while its an important talk they didn’t want it to be from their brother (especially if he is their little brother)

Starts referring to himself as your Baby Girl and sees this as permission to call you whatever title you use no matter who’s around

Honestly he only held back because he didn’t want to expose you/make you uncomfortable but now that it is out he shamelessly owns it 

Up to you if you tell him to stop or join in the fun either way Asmo will follow your lead

✰ Beel

Blushes lightly and is surprised but bashfully smiles and asks what you needed

He isn’t embarrassed and he just looks so happy and pure that no one has the heart to tease him for this

Asmo will enthusiastically talk about it with you two but he isn't trying to tease just happy to talk about something he is passionate about and you all have in common

If you try to apologize he will stop you since it was an accident and no harm done

One of his brothers might make a comment on how it's weird that he is the one being called baby girl because he is so strong and big but he just looks at them confused and they drop it

Beel doesn't have time for toxic masculinity he is too busy spending time with you

✰ Belphie

He is just as confused and disturbed as everyone else

Sure he enjoys being called it and he isn’t even embarrassed just extremely taken aback and has to confirm that you said that and no he isn't asleep

Refuses to respond until you correct yourself 

He honestly doesn't care he just prefers to keep this stuff between you two but it was an accident and it's not like he cares what his brothers think

Enjoys Lucifers reaction though so that alone makes up for any mild discomfort or teasing

Speaking of teasing his brothers try but he doesn’t care and just shrugs and agrees 

Mammon was making fun of him for it and Belphie just smirked and asked if he was jealous which ended up with the older brother running away red faced and having an identity crisis

✰ Diavolo

“Yes darling?”

Lucifer just sighs and walks out of the room

Isn’t remotely embarrassed, at most he is a bit bashful because he wasn’t prepared 

He takes pride in his role to you so just smiles and lets out a hearty laugh at your slip up

Genuinely confused by everyone’s extreme reactions and either you or Barbatoes has to explain to him that yeah it's normal and good but not what people expect to hear a human call the King of the Devildom over a ‘family’ dinner 

If anyone tries to joke about what happened he will not get it and soon people just drop it

He isn't dumb or dense just confident in himself and your relationship so it's impossible to tease someone who agrees 

✰ Barbatoes

He freezes with everyone else and stays frozen the longest

Once his brain starts working he acts like nothing happened but his blush tells the truth

Most are smart enough to not tease him with the only exceptions being Asmo and Diavolo 

A dark glare and a joyless smile sends a clear message to get Asmo to stop but he can’t find it in himself to tell Diavolo that he would prefer if he stops bringing it up 

You have to step in because Barbatoes won't and Dia won't take the hint but once you explain he feels bad and apologizes although that just makes the butler more embarrassed 

Might bury himself in his work for the next few days until the humiliation wears off

Give him lots of cuddles and comfort in private because he isn’t used to embarrassment or mistakes 

It’s not that he is ashamed of your relationship he just is a very private person especially when it comes to his more intimate side 

✰ Simeon

Is a mess in the moment 

Very blushy and embarrassed since it's not very angel-like of him

Refuses to make eye contact with anyone during the meal including you but for different reasons

However by the next day he is back to normal 

He still with blush if anyone brings it up but he just clears his throat and changes the subject

Mainly flustered at others knowing something so privet than any social stigma or teasing

Honestly he takes everything in stride and moves on quickly and gracefully until Luke asks why you called him baby girl

Sends Luke away red faced and throws a bible at whoever shared what happened with the younger angel (it was Asmo)

After that you will have to stop calling him it for a while because anytime he hears the nickname all he sees is Luke’s innocent face 

✰ Solomon

“Baby girl? Didn’t think you would be so bold to call me that in public but I won’t stop you”

He blushes faintly but doesn’t care a lot since what's done is done and he isn't ashamed

Honestly he might be the one comforting you if you get embarrassed easily

Although a consequence is you both have to deal with Asmo calling Solomon baby girl now

feel too bad he will use this as an excuse to get his way

“Please do it for your Baby girl, after all, you need to earn back my trust”

He doesn't actually feel betrayed he just enjoys being a jerk

It’s impossible for others to tease him because he isn't embarrassed

✰ Luke (Bonus)

“Hey, Kiddo/Lil bro-...uh”

Secretly likes it but not in front of demons who already see him as a child

He turns red and struggles through the rest of the meal

If anyone (except for maybe Barbados or Simeon) comments on it he will storm out

Might act angry at you but he isn’t really mad just embarrassed

A good way to cheer him up is to say to him and the others that since Luke is your son/little brother they have to have his approval to date (or befriend if platonic)

He abuses this power and starts acting like your dad in a way 

“I don’t like him but if he makes you happy I’ll allow it but he must bring you back before 9 and if I think he is bad news I will show him no mercy”

Yeah might have screwed yourself over a bit with this one but hey at least Luke is having fun

[multixsposts]

Valentine’s Day

Context-> This is a Valentine’s Day SHORT story about Gojo Satoru getting his heart b r o k e n by the reader :)

Fandom-> Jujutsu Kaisen

Ship-> Gojo Satoru x Reader

a/n the reader is female in this story and there isn’t mild sexual content but minors please stay away nonetheless

~forgive me if there are any spelling errors~

enjoy and happy Valentine’s Day ;)

This is story is for 18+ ONLY minors DNI

Satoru sighs as he lies on his sofa, phone in hand while he scrolls through social media seeing nothing but this Valentine’s day nonsense.

It’s ridiculous how people can even call this a holiday. It’s pointless in his opinion.

Because this time he didn’t have you to share it with and pained him to his core.

The two of you broke it off months ago. just enough time for you to find someone else to spend this ‘holiday’ with and that hurt him even more. Sure he tried to save the relationship, but you couldn’t take it anymore and wanted to be free of only seeing him when he wasn’t busy with work which was rare.

Sometimes you worried if he’d make it home in one piece and not in half.

But you knew..you how dangerous his job was and how much he worked and yet you still chose to be with him and stay as long as you did, only to use that as an excuse to leave him in the end.

His eyes started to tear up at the memory of you telling him you couldn’t do it anymore. He didn’t want to cry over it anymore..he needed to stop all of this sulking.

it was getting him nowhere.

So he decides to get off of his oh so comfortable couch and go out. Maybe eating out would get his mind off of things?.

It should. Shouldn’t it?.

but as he continued to walk along the sidewalk he couldn’t help but notice his feet had taken him to your favorite restaurant..the one he’d take you out to all the time.

The one he got bored of but did it for you because you were so happy to come here and he liked seeing you happy.

So..what does he do?. He releases a sigh and walks in.

He could at least imagine you were here with him and he swears after this meal-after today- he will be completely and utterly over you.

He gets his food and he eats quietly and alone while the people around him chatter away with their dates.

Some even laughing at the most horrible jokes he’s never even heard of, and you know it’s bad when Satorus never even heard of the joke because he’s a jokester himself and by god you loved it.

Your laugh was the most beautiful thing he’s ever heard. Music to his ears.

What’s crazy is that he can still hear it perfectly loud and clear still to this day..

loud and- wait.

no. He immediately straightens his back and looks around the restaurant.

You’re here, but where?. Fuck there are so many people here.

He continues to scan the place until his blue eyes finally find you.

God you were so perfect..especially in the dress you were wearing…it matches you so well. It hugs your body perfectly.

He stares at you. His food going ignored and getting cold, but he couldn’t take his eyes off of you.

All of a sudden your head snapped in his direction, your gorgeous eyes staring right back at him.

He puts his head down quickly. Hoping you didn’t notice him but he knows that you did.

A tap on his shoulder brought his attention to the person standing next to his table and his heart started to race.

“y/n..h-hey” he said with a nervous smile

“meet me in the bathroom we’ve gotta have a chat” you tell him bluntly as you make your way towards the back of the restaurant, your hips swaying in the tight dress you had on.

He quickly gets up from the chair and follows you to the bathroom.

“what are you doing here, Gojo?.” you huffed out as he walks in closing the door behind him, his heart aching at you using his last name.

“i just came here to have a meal..” he replies back to you

“bullshit” you fold your arms over your chest, your breast pressing together from the action.

Him being the man that he is

he couldn’t help but glance down at them.

“it’s true..i was hungry and needed to get out of the house.” he tells you

“every where i go you’re there. It’s like you appear out of thin air.” you whisper/yell trying to keep your voice quiet.

but he sighs. That’s true..but it’s not his fault. He couldn’t get you off of his mind his feet take him where they want to go and he doesn’t fight back.

So he doesn’t say anything..and just looks at you.

You know the reason why he’s following you.

He’s still heartbroken and so are you but only a little.

Of course you still thought about him and the good times you’ve had together, but him doing this is only making it harder on himself and you.

You sigh and hug him and when you do you didn’t miss the way his arms immediately flew around your body to hold your waist and pull you closer so he can hold you tighter.

but you didn’t say anything. you let it be, but only for now.

“Gojo-”

“don’t. don’t call me that. please just..use my first name..” he bends down a bit more to put his face in your neck, taking in deep breaths of your perfume.

Not wanting to forget what you smell like.

“Satoru..you’ve got to move on” you tell him quietly.

He shakes his head.

“cant.” you freeze when you feel a small peck against your neck.

“won’t.” he does it again.

“satoru-”

“one last time..it’s all i need. please.” he pulls his face away from the crook of your neck and stares into your eyes, you’ve never seen him this way..

your heart aches for the man in front of you.

The one you promised to love forever.

so..what do you do?..

you give in.

“nngh~ f-fuck, toru” you moan out quietly as he has you on the counter in the bathroom his hands underneath your thighs and your legs wrapped his waist.

“i l-love you..” he whispers into your ear, but you don’t say it back. you can’t.

You wrap your arms around his neck.

“say it..” he grunts out while his pace slows down not wanting this to end so quickly.

“t-toru..” you look at him while shaking your head, but he wasn’t having it.

He roughly thrusts into you making you squeak out a moan

His pace is harder, faster, it was to much for you

“s-slow down!” you beg him.

“say it.” his voice lower than when he said it the first time.

“say it and i’ll slow down.” it was getting to much it was starting to hurt, but saying the words he was longing to hear would put him in so much pain afterwards. It hurt your own heart to say it but you said it..for him

“i-i love you t-toru.” you got out in between moans of pleasure and pain and he immediately slowed down and his lips found yours.

Kissing you passionately as he slowly thrusts into you not wanting to forget the way you felt and the way you sounded when you said his name. How soft your lips felt against his..

he pulled his lips away from your and stuffed his face into your neck to hide the tears that started to fall from his eyes.

This will be the last time he’d actually be able to be close to you like this.

The pain in his chest wouldn’t go away but being like this with you even for a little while helped it become bearable.

Because he was able to share Valentine’s Day with the one he loves the most.

[calipsan]

Okay Essay Coming:

I think one of the most central theses of Vampire Chronicles is that people (or vampires) destroy what the want in the (often selfish) pursuit of that desire. In IWTV, Lestat makes Louis because he wants companionship. Louis tells us that it’s because of his house and money, BUT from later context it’s clear that Lestat falls in love with Louis. Mortal Louis also falls in love with the IDEA of Lestat, and says that meeting him was the most significant moment of his mortal life. However, that infatuation pales in comparison to the world that is opened to him when he becomes a vampire. So, in turning Louis, Lestat destroys the love and fascination Louis had for Lestat in the first place.

Then we have Claudia who Lestat makes to keep Louis with him, to make them a family, and honestly this works out pretty well, but eventually Claudia’s hatred for Lestat leads to the family being destroyed. Again, what Lestat sought (family and companionship) was destroyed by the very person he made to accomplish that. 

Then we have Armand first persuading Louis with the mind gift to turn Madeleine and then killing Claudia in order to bring Louis to him because he loves him. Those acts push Louis further from him and destroy the passion Louis had. Armand loves the mortal aspect of Louis; Louis claims that dies when he makes Madeleine, and then Armand is unable to reawaken Louis’ passion and love even after they’re together for many, many years becauase he states that died with Claudia.

Finally at the end of the story, Louis hopes to have convinced Daniel about the evil nature of vampires but instead all he has done is make Daniel want to be a vampire. Daniel believes that if he were to become a vampire he could make it all work out. We’re led to believe, and indeed, it comes true, that Daniel would not be able to be happy as a vampire just as Louis isn’t happy. 

In TotBT, Lestat loves David, wants to make him a vampire, but David denies him. When Lestat becomes a mortal man, he wants to have sex with David, but David still denies him, saying that going to bed with Lestat mortal body would bring back too many painful memories of his own youth. Once Lestat turns David into a vampire, once he finally gets his wish, he finds that David is no longer the man he loved. The very act of turning him into a vampire makes him different. And though David says that he did in fact want Lestat to turn him and was glad that Lestat forced him so that the decision was taken out of his hands, Lestat still does not seem happy with David. He doesn’t like the fact that David is powerful and would challenge his authority in Rue Royale.

We have Gretchen who loves Lestat in part because of his unusual demeanor. He tells her all about himself and she seems to believe him and accept him. Then when he returns to her in his true vampire shape, she is terrified and pushes him away. 

This theme also comes up in Blood and Gold. In pursuing Pandora, Marius pushes away Bianca, the person with whom he’d had an admittedly happier relationship. Then, because of his grief over her leaving, he misses the letter that Pandora left for him which could have brought them back together for good. 

I haven’t reread the rest of the books so I can’t think of all the details of them, but of course we have Gabrielle and Claudia, both made by Lestat because he loves them, and he loses them both. We have Armand turning Daniel and that changing their relationship.

This message, I think, is that when we seek something blindly, we will often destroy our chance of ever reaching it, and when we are looking in on a life we think we want, once we have that life it will never be what we expected.

[bakuhatsufallinlove]

Somebody asked about my perspective on the bullying aspect of bkdk, so.

I want to talk for a minute about bullying in Japan. I mentioned in this post that Japanese people are generally socialized to avoid direct confrontation. This means people may not intervene in bullying or public mistreatment; there is also an element of social shame in being singled out. A teacher or concerned adult interfering with bullying may end up making things worse for the bullied child, because now, the child is a victim, separate from everyone else in the class, and they may end up being shunned by their peers (ostracization is also a common form of bullying).

Peers may also fear retribution for objecting. You see this in English-speaking countries as well, where a bullied child being defended makes them and any peer who objects a “weakling,” a “kiss-up,” “tattle-tale,” “teacher’s pet.” In fact, often a whole group gangs up on the victim and participates in bullying. We see this in the very first chapter of MHA, Katsuki mocks Izuku for wanting to take the U.A. entrance exam, and the entire classroom laughs and sneers at him.

Additionally, sometimes the non-confrontational approach and no-singling out incentive also mean that everyone in class just kind of pretends that the bullied child is “In on the joke,” and they laugh along or do not object. Onlookers may view the mistreatment as a private issue between the bully and the bullied that they must resolve on their own.

No culture has a solution for bullying. We all use our cultural context and our personal beliefs to discern how to respond, and this often manifests in unhealthy ways. In the US, a young boy protagonist being bullied in school and “learning to fight back” is an extremely common narrative. The lesson from American culture is that we must defend ourselves, even with violence—that learning to hurt other people is necessary and part of “becoming a man.” In Japan, a collectivist culture, the lesson might be closer to “don’t stand out and don’t bother others.”

I highly recommend everyone read this article about ijime in Japan.

Note the statistic that two thirds of all Japanese children report being bullied. Simultaneously, nearly half (46.9%) report having both been bullied and also bullying others. MHA takes place in a fictional Japan, but it is worth knowing that this is how things are in the real-world society MHA is published in. Suicides related to bullying are a prominent topic and the Japanese Ministry of Education has been trying to reduce bullying rates for years. Bullying is understood as a serious problem, but it is also known to be very common, something many people both experience and perpetuate.

Now, let’s talk about how Izuku personally feels about the way Katsuki treated him.

Izuku has an extremely strong sense of self. He is a determined, stubborn person, and we know this to be true even before he gets OFA: despite the entire world telling him he cannot be a Hero because he is Quirkless, he still plans to enroll in the Hero Course at U.A., even before he meets All Might. Since nearly all villains are going to have Quirks, this is… a horrifyingly dangerous path to walk, but Izuku does not care and is not dissuaded. Katsuki says that Izuku has always been self-sacrificing and not taken his own safety into account—this comment and the river memory suggest to me that this trait is unique to Izuku as a person and his own convictions, so I don’t think it is the result of Katsuki bullying him.

Izuku also sees Katsuki and his actions clearly. He doesn’t hesitate to describe Katsuki as an awful guy (嫌なやつ, iyana yatsu, you could even translate this as “asshole”); he notes Katsuki’s terrible qualities and his continued path down the road to being “bad.” In Japanese, he insults Katsuki several times with バカ野郎 (baka yarou, stupid jerk). Izuku has never been in denial about what Katsuki is like.

Izuku says during Deku vs. Kacchan 2 that normally, nobody would hang around a person who insults them all the time. He acknowledges all the bad parts of Katsuki, but then insists that Katsuki’s brilliance, his amazingness, is even stronger. Izuku sees all these incredible things about Katsuki more than he sees his terribleness.

Izuku has known Katsuki since they were little, since before Katsuki’s Quirk manifested. Katsuki was a cocky kid who liked to show-off, but he was not a bully until he manifested his Quirk and was suddenly exalted for his “incredible power,” while also developing his whole inferiority complex about Izuku being “better” than him. Izuku knows Katsuki has good inside him and that being an arrogant bully is not all there is to Katsuki, because he has seen it firsthand.

In my opinion, if Katsuki’s behavior is viewed by outsiders as a private issue between the two of them, then Izuku himself views it as Katsuki’s issue, not his own. “This is just how Kacchan acts.” Izuku is definitely hurt by Katsuki’s cruelty, but I do not believe that he internalizes this as a reflection on himself necessarily. I think Izuku has felt hurt and angered by Katsuki’s behavior because he hates that this special person he admires and cares about so much could stoop that low. We see this in chapter 62 when Izuku punches Katsuki for saying he’d rather lose than accept Izuku’s help—Izuku isn’t offended by the put-down, he is furious that his image of victory could be so petty that he would accept defeat.

Izuku had already forgiven Katsuki before chapter 322. I think Izuku never expected an apology, and in his own head, he didn’t really need one, because all he wants is to be able to stand next to Katsuki. Izuku wants to be the number one hero, so he does want to surpass his image of victory, but… he also just really wants to be with Katsuki. He wants to talk with him and spend time with him, he wants to fight by his side and see him be amazing up-close and personal. Because Izuku loves Katsuki. He just does. Whether you view it as platonic or romantic, it is pretty hard to say that the depth of emotion Izuku feels for Katsuki isn’t love.

For better or worse, as human beings we tend to forgive the people we love for things we would never accept from anyone else. We give the people we love second chances, and we see the best in them even when it is hard to, when no one else can. Izuku knows Katsuki has done unacceptable things, but he still sees Kacchan in there, and that matters more to him.

Both Horikoshi and Katsuki’s voice actor, Okamoto Nobuhiko, have repeatedly said that Katsuki was terrible and unlikable early in the series because of how he treated others, particularly Izuku, and that he is only became likable because of his humanity. Because he changes, matures, and tries to redeem himself. Horikoshi directly said that despite Katsuki’s character having improved, he still needs to apologize to Izuku, and in chapter 322, this is what we get.

That Izuku does not hold a grudge against Katsuki is precisely what makes Katsuki’s redemption so meaningful. The impetus behind Katsuki’s atonement is his own conscience. Sometimes, people forgive us even when they probably shouldn’t. They give us a second chance, even when we probably didn’t deserve one. Katsuki knows Izuku doesn’t resent him, but he wants to do right by Izuku, and that means being a better person, being there when Izuku needs him, protecting Izuku when no one else will. It means admitting what he has done and truly apologizing for it.

I wanted to talk about the severity and frequency of bullying in Japan not to downplay Katsuki’s actions, but to emphasize that this is both a societal issue and a personal one. If people believe that Katsuki can never atone for the cruel things he did as a little kid and a middle schooler, if you think he will never be anything but a bully, then… half of the population of Japan is also irredeemable. How are young people in Japan supposed to feel if the moral of Katsuki’s story is “once a bully, always a bully”?

If we can’t see value in the redemption of a fictional character from a story about prejudice and social inequality, how can we forgive real people for their mistakes? Nobody has to like Bakugou Katsuki as a character, but I do find the way his story is talked about pretty troubling.

MHA is fundamentally about discrimination and social strife: Who is a villain? Who is a hero? When the world treats us a certain way, are we to blame for how we react? Do you turn a blind eye to people who are inconvenient to you, who you think don’t belong in society, who seem irredeemable? How can we even begin to change a world like this?

Izuku says repeatedly that having done wrong does not mean you can never be good again. Atonement is not denial of wrongdoing; it is the resolve to make restitution and do right by others. This is why Katsuki’s story is important, and why his bond with Izuku is both well-written and genuinely beautiful.

[beanyboobee]

Re-reading and Rewatching Vanitas No Carte, has me skeptical of some things or some things that are said when I remember it's all mostly from Noes point of veiw as he writes the memoirs, and though we can trust his memory to be the most accurate out of anyone- because you know- fangs that see blood.

It still leaves me wondering what we don't know. How many things Noe never had the full context of, what is being left out or just assumed.

How other characters veiw Noe and so forth.

Yes we do get some scenes without Noe and from other characters point of veiw bit I wonder if that's only because Noe does drink their blood eventually and so is able to write about those.

As even still, very little is actually said in regards to Noe and his past or his feelings in certain things apart from the trauma with Louis, because if Noe is writing this memoir about Vanitas, it makes sense that he would leave out infomation on himself because in his mind its not needed nor important unless it connects to the events that unfold.

I think that is what makes this story so interesting to me. Because we are constantly reminded that this is all the past and that Vanitas (and probualy a good few others) have died by the time this story is being told.

The idea that maybe not all of it is true, or that some parts are exaggerated or imagined is always something I wondered about.

Example, the scene with Noe and Vanitas in the bell tower.

When Noe appolgises, it is said so suddenly, at the very end of the conversation, it finishes with him saying "I don't know. I just wanted to say it" when Vanitas asks him what he is appolgising for.

It can be taken as Noe genuinely appolgising, but at the same time I wouldn't be surprised if that was Noe perhaps adding in something he wished he said at the time. Something that if he knew how things were going to turn out the way they did. He would of said it.

It struck me as odd, but it's moments like those I can't help but wonder... when we reach Vanitas end. Will we still find out what became of noe after that? Apart from writing the memoir.

[robsterskellington]

Sorry this took so long! We struggled to remember what we had originally written, then I caught the flu on top of it. Anyway!

Context: as stated, Chuuya is accused of a crime. Vanitas still doesn't have his memories at this point in time, but he's managed to cure the Port Mafia of Vampirism since Bram was unable to. Bit of a soukoku snippet again, so enjoy!

Days turned to weeks, then soon, Vanitas had been in Yokohama, with the Agency, for just over three months. He still had no memories, only feelings and images, and he had his grimoire that he could use with his Ability. He felt at home, despite everything- Yosano insisted on giving him regular checkups and verified the following: he had started gaining a healthy weight ever since he found out he *loved* Japanese food, his sleep pattern was normal thanks to Kunikida helping him fall into a routine, and his mind was staying active with the amount of paperwork and the drawing he did with Kyouka.

He still felt useless. Sure, he'd joined the Agency, but no Entrance Exam had been arranged for him yet, and he was still under observation. He had managed to settle certain things by curing the Vampires in Yokohama, it was just taking a while for the rest of the world's militaries to gather the remaining Vampires, and it would take a lot out of him to reverse the affects of Bram's Ability.

Thoughts faded once Kunikida started the meeting; Fukuzawa had called everyone, and for once, everyone was able to be in attendance, though Dazai had his feet on the table, looking like he'd rather be anywhere else. Kunikida dimmed the lights and began a slideshow presentation.

Photos of corpses on the ground, looking like their bones had been crushed in their bodies, buildings with chunks taken out of them, and a blurry image of a man in a hat, glowing red, jumping across buildings. The corpses belonged to a group that were causing the Port Mafia a lot of issues, stealing money, weaponry and even killing some of their thugs. So naturally, they needed to be taught a lesson, which meant having them slaughtered.

Usually, the person responsible for revenge killings was Akutagawa, however he was very true to his promises, and so he was still holding back on killing people. Kouyou was a Higher Executive, so she wouldn't filthy her own hands unless it was absolutely necessary, and the same logic went for Mori, as he was the Boss. Hirotsu was skilled, and could certainly cause this kind of damage, however his parkor skills weren't *that* good, and his Ability was a purple colour. Tachihara wouldn't make this much of a mess, neither would Gin.

Just looking at the photos, it was fairly obvious that the culprit was Nakahara Chuuya. The culprit could walk on air, had a red aura, and though the hat obscured the face, the style of hat he wore was the same as Chuuya's.

The problem with that was, not everyone in the Agency believed what their eyes were showing- Chuuya wouldn't leave evidence of his crimes, if he committed this. He'd never allow himself to be seen on camera, he was always oddly discreet for someone with that amount of chaotic energy. As for the buildings, since civilians may have been inside, he definitely wouldn't have used them. Even during the Dead Apple Incident, he used empty buildings and skyscrapers against Shibuzawa's Dragon, though whether that was because the Fog made people vanish or not was a factor to consider.

Dazai gave a half hearted shrug and looked up at his work partner, "You believe that slug would do all this? Please."

"I know you want to defend him, you have a history, but this can't just be ignored." Kunikida crossed his arms, "This is obvious to anyone that Nakahara Chuuya did this, so-"

"*Wrong.*" Everyone looked at Dazai, who sat up properly and glared at Kunikida, "Even under Mori's orders, Chuuya wouldn't slaughter this many people, regardless of what they've done to the Mafia. At most, he would capture them and have them sent to the torture experts. If you think this is Chuuya's doing, you need new glasses."

Fukuzawa cleared his throat and they both quietened, then Ranpo yawned loudly, "It shouldn't be any surprise that Dazai's right. Mr. Fancy Hat, while capable, didn't do this. Though something tells me that even with *my* deductions, not all of you seem to believe me. So, raise your hands: who believes Chuuya is innocent?"

Dazai's hand was the first to shoot up- usually he'd hide his feelings behind that mask of his, but since joining what was essentially the *good side*, Dazai had learned so much, and knew that things were always more complicated than they seemed. He trusted Chuuya, nothing would change that. Obviously he'd still keep their relationship a secret, but even if they weren't in love... Dazai wouldn't accuse Chuuya of this without seeing physical evidence, not photographs that could easily be forged.

Ranpo's hand rose as well, then Vanitas', Atsushi's and Kyouka's. After thinking about it, Kenji also raised his hand. Fukuzawa trusted Ranpo, and he also had the benefit of knowing Mori almost as well as Dazai, so his hand went up as well.

Kunikida crossed his arms, he still believed that Chuuya was likely an off the rails killer, and Dazai was likely covering for him. Plus, he wouldn't admit it, but after seeing Mushitaro's Ability, and how easily both Dazai and Fyodor could trick even a skilled person such as Ranpo, but he'd lost a lot of faith in his *Ultra Deduction*. Yosano's hand also remained on the table, since she'd seen first hand how arrogant and ready to kill Chuuya had been when they faced each other during the Three Way War.

The Tanizaki's also stayed out of the vote- Naomi did think that this was all incredibly suspicious, but there was no evidence pointing to someone other than Chuuya. She thought that maybe it would be better to investigate the matter first. The only reason she didn't raise her hand was because she simply didn't trust anyone in the Mafia, for the same reason as Yosano: Chuuya had been the one to help use Naomi and Haruno as bait for Steinbeck and Lovecraft. As for Jun'ichiro, he acknowledged that Chuuya had saved him against the Hunting Dogs, but also knew that he only did so on Mori's orders, not because he was a good person.

Even though the majority vote was that Chuuya was innocent, those thinking he was guilty were unwilling to change their stance and Kunikida nodded, "I'll notify Special Operations, see if they can have some sway over the Mafia."

"You can't do that." Dazai stood up and faced Kunikida, staring into his azure eyes, "Chuuya-"

"Whatever your history with him, forget it." He snapped, "Honestly, how do we know you aren't working with him as well? It's not like you're trustworthy, Mr. Port Mafia Executive." That stung. Yeah, Dazai hid his past, but Ranpo and Fukuzawa did the same thing. He saw red when Kunikida spoke, "He's a mindless killer for the Mafia, able to decimate his rivals. He's no better than the Former Port Mafia Boss. Even when you both worked together, he was the one who destroyed, you simply became his *off switch*, but you were the strategist."

"Kunikida." Ranpo spoke with a warning tone, but was ignored.

"How am I supposed to trust you when you never trusted us?!" He was shaking now, staring daggers at Dazai who had zero expression on his face, "Port Mafia Executive, kill count exceeding 800," that part made Kyouka flinch, "and how many of those were innocent?! Would you kill *us* if it suited your goals?!"

*No*, Dazai wanted to answer. He cared about the Agency, it wasn't even just about his promise to Odasaku anymore. Joining the Agency was the best choice he'd ever made, but perhaps his past could never escape him. He was always going to be just a former enemy, wasn't he? So, he decided to ask: "What exactly do you think of me?"

"After seeing everything you're capable of, I'm convinced that you pretend to have emotions. You're manipulative, cruel, and-" Everyone glared at him, trying to get him to stop, but before Ranpo could interject again, Kunikida blurted: "You're *less than human*, for God's sake!"

Dazai didn't respond to that, at least, not verbally. He just stood up and walked away, grabbing his coat and being silent the entire time.

Kunikida seemed to realise exactly what he just said, and before he could take a step forward, he got knocked to the ground, his vision going white as his cheek burned with pain. Vanitas panted slightly, his fist shaking as he glared at Kunikida, "What the actual *fuck* is wrong with you, Doppo Kunikida?!"

"I-..."

But when he looked up, he couldn't talk. Vanitas looked down, ashamed that he didn't speak up sooner, then took a breath, "Chuuya's innocent. I have proof. The only reason I didn't speak up was out of respect for Dazai." That was when he explained:

****

"Aaaand done." Vanitas looked up at the ceiling of his apartment, having hung up the final paper crane. When Jouno gave him the task of folding one thousand origami cranes, he wasn't exactly sure he could do it, but here he was, proving himself wrong. A thousand paper cranes hung from his ceiling, showing his progress, from when he first arrived here. After getting down from his chair, he caught something out of the corner of his eye- since he was on the top floor, he could see the streets below him from his window, and noticed Dazai, a hand in his pocket and the other on his phone.

Vanitas was naturally a little nosey, and hanging around the Agency only made that worse, so he couldn't help but open his window and leap onto the roof, deciding to follow. Dazai obviously had his own life and business, but something told Vanitas to look into this. Like an instinct that made no sense. He walked along the rooftops, thankful that the clouds in the sky made it impossible for Dazai to see his shadow- then again, he wouldn't be surprised if Dazai already knew he was following.

Dazai waited in an alley, leaning against the wall before grinning, "You came."

"...you called." Vanitas saw that the one responding to Dazai was none other than Chuuya, who wasn't wearing his signature hat... actually, he looked exhausted. His suit was a little crumpled, his hair was limp, and his eyes had dark bags underneath, "So you heard about those attacks?"

"Judging by your appearance, you're not the one responsible. No surprises there." Dazai stood up properly and looked at his partner, "What happened?"

Vanitas listened in as Chuuya explained that someone had been murdering enemies of the Port Mafia, and causing general chaos while disguised as Chuuya, which meant the real Chuuya had to work overtime to stop this asshole. Unfortunately, Chuuya was always a little too late, and ended up having to sort out paperwork, run around to examine clues, all mess that an Executive *shouldn't* be doing. He was burnt out and exhausted, he just wanted to sleep.

Knowing that, Dazai took the proper initiative; he scooped Chuuya up in his arms and ran like Hell. Vanitas followed after hearing the situation, knowing that if Chuuya was going to be accused, he might as well make sure Chuuya had an alibi. He watched as Dazai took him for ramen, then a walk on the beach, then grocery shopping. If Chuuya was under suspicion, it was best to lay low for a while, so after a quick drink at Bar Lupin, they went back to Chuuya's apartment for the night.

Vanitas took photos and even filmed some of their interactions, silently vowing to apologise to Chuuya and Dazai later, feeling gross for stalking them. Before they went into the apartment, Vanitas recorded one last thing that Chuuya said: "If the Agency do think I'm the asshole killing those guys, I don't mind turning myself in. I already know you'll fight to prove my innocence."

"That's not necessary, slug. But thanks for the offer. I'll stay with you for a few days, see if my presence alone is enough of an alibi." He tilted his head when Chuuya started shaking, "...what's funny?"

"Oh, please! You'd ever have the balls to tell the Agency we're together!" He laughed hard and grinned at him, "Even if you did, I doubt they'd believe you're in a committed relationship with a Port Mafia Executive."

"Maybe they won't, but we could get them to listen. The Agency aren't foolish. Sure, they've been tricked before, but so have the Port Mafia, the Guild, even the Decay of Angels." He kissed Chuuya's forehead and spoke softly, "I can at least try, okay?"

They both went inside and Vanitas stopped his recording, smiling to himself. He'd heard that they were a team in the Mafia, and if their love had bloomed from that, then no wonder they were so good together.

****

Once Vanitas had presented his evidence, Kunikida looked away, feeling like a moron. He'd been out of sorts for a while now, Jouno's words from before the attack at the airport still had him shaken to his core. The world wasn't black and white, and of course they wouldn't have believed Dazai if he'd come out as being in a relationship with a man, never mind an Executive of the Port Mafia!

They watched the videos and saw the photos, Ranpo looking at one in particular- it was the pair of them walking out of the grocery store. The time stamp on a photo of "Chuuya" leaping across the roof of a building matched. Dazai was his alibi and Vanitas had provided the proof. Ranpo simply nodded, "I'll talk to Poe and Fitzgerald, see if Eyes of God can help us determine who this Gifted is and why he's purposely pissing off the Mafia. In the meantime, nobody contacts Dazai or Chuuya, got it?"

Of course they all agreed, and those who voted on Chuuya being the culprit all left without a word, leaving the others to discuss how to help. Though Kyouka seemed curious: "Atsushi, Kenji... how come you both believed in his innocence?"

"Chuuya's really nice!" Kenji said with a grin, "He actually buys his veggies from my stall in town whenever he gets the chance, and sometimes we hang out over beef bowls. He respects strength of all kind, especially strength of heart."

"Yeah, I only ever ran into him outside of work once, when we went to go see the same movie. But I saw how he protected the people of Yokohama when the Guild initially attacked; he was the reason I wanted the Agency and the Port Mafia to work together." It was actually hard *not* to like Chuuya once you got to know him. Plus, Atsushi's senses were higher than most, so he could see a lot of the real Chuuya- he cared for his friends and family, had a lot of love for Yokohama and its people. He was terrified of losing himself and losing others, so he fought like Hell to protect what he could.

Chuuya was easier to read than Dazai, but that was okay. Dazai knew Chuuya better than anyone, and Atsushi trusted Dazai- even if Ranpo hadn't confirmed his innocence and Vanitas hadn't proved it, Atsushi absolutely would have believed in him anyway. Kenji obviously felt the same way. Kyouka smiled and glanced at Vanitas, who just shrugged, "I hang out with people outside of the Agency, and I could see more of Chuuya than most ever will when I cured his Vampirism. He'd never do anything blatantly stupid, even if he was pissed off. He'll be fine with Dazai."

Yeah, that was right. Dazai would have gone straight back to Chuuya. *Right?*

******

It was cold, and dusty. There hadn't been a need to come back here, not after Oda's death, not after he left the Mafia and got his own place. Even when he hid underground, it wasn't as miserable as this place. Verlaine had joked that Dazai was saving a lot of money by living in a sparsely furnished shipping container, but the fact of the matter was that it was barely suitable for the purpose Dazai originally got it for.

It was meant to be his own safe space, away from the Mafia, where nobody would find him. And if he got carried away on a ship by accident, then all the better, he could leave everything behind. But that never happened, clearly. He had this container bought since before he met Chuuya, and it was still cold, empty and depressing. But Dazai didn't know where to go with his mind and emotions fragmented. His hands curled in his hair, anger bubbling inside his chest, the pain *burned*- it itched and clawed at his sanity.

"...I always get pushed down, don't I, Odasaku?" He muttered to himself, trying to ignore the ringing in his head, "I don't want to get back up anymore."

He did end up on his knees, trying to breathe. It wasn't a cold day, but the container may as well have been below freezing, the icy temperature bleeding into his chest and making it so damn hard to inhale and exhale. His brain was slow to react, he didn't expect it, but Mori crouched down beside him, wrapping his arms around Dazai.

*When the fuck did he get here?!* He wanted to scream, he wanted to pull away, he wanted to yell for his to get off, to not touch him! But all he said was: "*How?*"

"I have eyes everywhere, Dazai. You should know that better than anyone..." cooed Mori, a smirk forming in the darkness, sending shivers down Dazai's spine. He hated it, he absolutely fucking hated it. "I know everything. About you, and your relationship with Chuuya." He continued, tilting Dazai's face and running his thumb across Dazai's lips.

That made his breath hitch, a lot. He began to panic, how could he not? He felt like a child again in the Mafia's infirmary, feeling like Mori had just told him that he knows he took a drug he shouldn't have.

*Oh, no. Nononononono!!*

"Living in such a disgusting and shameful way..." whispered Mori, as he cupped both of Dazai's cheeks, "You do know that you're a selfish psychopath, causing such issues for the pair of you, and the Agency who claim to care for you?"

Dazai shook his head, which was a mistake considering how much it was already spinning, caught up in the middle of a thought. He can't respond, the heaviness in his chest restricting everything he had. He wasn't sure if anyone ever cared or loved him, or if it was all out of fear, knowing what Dazai was capable of. "Don't touch me..."

If only he kept his mouth shut. But he's scared, he's still broken, fighting back the only way he knows how to. He felt Mori shift and wrap his scarf around him instead, and listened as Mori spoke quietly, "Remember when you were young? What did I teach you?" Dazai found himself slowing his breathing, then covering up his now closed right eye with his hand, like a terrible instinct, "That's right. Calm yourself. Then fight, if that's what you want, *Little Demon*."

Mori, despite his fears, had a soft spot for Dazai. His cold apartment was like this shipping container, which stored nothing but a few belongings, nothing more than a roof and a place to sleep. No matter how much Dazai hated Mori, he leaned into him, his muscles begging to relax, and he wasn't actively crying anymore. But that still didn't stop the tears.

"I want to know who the person behind this is," there was no hesitation in his next words, "and I want them *dead*."

"I can help with that. I'm already having my men looking into it." His manipulative grin couldn't help but make an appearance, "If you agree to do something for the Mafia at a time that I choose, then I'm sure I can keep the bastard alive until you get there. Then, he's all yours."

"Yeah. *He's all mine*." It was a foolish choice, but Dazai was angry. He couldn't help it, especially when as twisted as he was, Mori always kept his word. So, he agreed.

Mori nodded his approval before helping Dazai to stand up, "Even if you don't want to come back, you're certainly not staying *here*." He sneered, even he would never allow Dazai to suffer, regardless of what he personally wanted, "...I'll take you *home*."

Dazai knew what that meant from Mori's voice- he was going to take him to Chuuya's place. For a split second, Dazai actually looked alarmed when Mori caught his arm, then tugged him a bit to let him know that if he chose to pull away, Mori would understand, that it's *his choice*. "No. We shouldn't be spotted together. If... if the Agency found out..." he trailed off, unable to finish his train of thought.

Mori chuckled, "You *can* tell me that you hate me and don't want to be caught dead with me, you know." He tilted his head, "My offer stands if you ever want to rejoin, but it will be your own choice. In the meantime, all I ask is that you do your best to be safe."

"Yeah... you, too." Dazai had thought about it many times, however... he loves the Agency. He loves solving mysteries with Ranpo, drinking tea and playing sudoku with Fukuzawa, but he knew that he never truly fit in, and Kunikida was a decent partner, but he wasn't close to Chuuya's level. That was when his eyes darkened, deadening, to the point of no return all of a sudden. He'd never asked for much or anything, especially from Mori, but: "Don't push him so hard. Stop putting so much pressure on him. *Please* keep him safe."

Mori looked away, "You know I can't promise that, and you know why. However, I give you my word that I'll try to. And if I fail, well." He looked back at him, "Then everything in the past no longer matters. You can kill me." Mori simply left after that.

Dazai laughed a harsh, hollow and bitter sort of laugh. He didn't expect a response, let alone something that sincere, as he watched as Mori left. He felt mortified, to actually find comfort in that. To *lean* into it. It made him feel nauseous, he lost count of how many breaths he'd been taking. The room around him was an utterly mess, and for an ugly moment, Dazai had forgotten why he was mad at Mori to begin with. He jerked backwards, breaking away, out of his poisonous thoughts.

Unfortunately, the stress made Dazai lose the contents of his stomach. It was horrible, Mori was the true monster in this world- manipulating, calculating and simply fucked in the head. And yet... there was a dark part of Dazai's past that had looked up to Mori, as a sort of parental figure. Even now, he technically gave Dazai good advice: he needed somewhere to rest that wasn't this shithole. No wonder he'd desperately sought out comfort in whoever was closest to him, basically. It was disgusting.

"...I hate that man, and how *right* he is." He needed Chuuya, even if it was just being at his apartment until he got home. *Chuuya would be happy to see him. He's right, he's always fucking right.*

He stood and looked at the reflection of himself in the mirror he had over his makeshift sink, hating his jittery appearance, especially with Mori's red scarf still wrapped around his neck. He'd never heard the whispering in his mind that bad before- but what do people expect from someone so inhuman? A little frantically, he ripped off the scarf and threw it to the floor, before punching the mirror, shattering it completely- obliterating it.

*shutupshutupshutupshutupshutup*

He didn't feel better for it, he actually felt far worse. He could have thrown up again when he fell to his knees and gripped that stupid scarf for comfort. He wanted to slit his wrists, or hang from the ceiling for even thinking of being grateful to *Mori*. If he ever went back, then what was the point of leaving in the first place? What was the point of Oda's last wish? Why did he leave Chuuya?

Enough was enough. He ran, he sprinted far away from the container and the memories it stored there. His legs knew where he was going before his brain did, as he headed across town, to Chuuya's apartment. After picking the lock, he entered, then shut the door behind him and fell back against it, letting his head tap the back of it with a slight thump. He dropped down without thinking, catching his breath. It was starting to get a little dark inside, due to the sunset outside the window, but there were no stars out just yet. Dazai was aware that he'd lost the concept of time a while ago, but he didn't care, at least it wasn't so bright he needed to cover his eyes.

He swallowed, looking at the clock to attempt to get his bearings, and noted that Chuuya wouldn't be home for another few hours. He couldn't help but whisper to himself, "I hope your day was better than mine, Chibi."

In case it wasn't, Dazai decided that he'd make sure that Chuuya could relax immediately upon coming home. It'll take his mind off things, but he won't do anything extravagant, he couldn't take it if he fucked anything up. It *was* actually pretty cold this evening, so Dazai would make Chuuya something to eat that would be warm and comforting. He silently thanked Vanitas for teaching him how to cook a decent meal, since nobody else had the patience to teach him.

As he prepared everything, he put little sticky notes around the apartment, with stupid words of affirmation, though after how tense he'd been earlier in the day, his movements were less fluid and so he had to be extra cautious of not screwing anything up. He'd settled on making a nice warm taro soup, toran-guk, as he knew he could make it without it going gross, and the hearty broth and vegetables would do Chuuya the world of good. The vegetables were likely from the stall in town that Kenji set up to sell his crops from his farm, which explained their excellent quality. He placed it on the kitchen table, covering it with a plate to keep it warm.

Once the food was done, and he'd cleaned up after himself in the kitchen, he decided to run Chuuya a bath. He only used hot water so it would stay warmer for longer, giving Chuuya more time to come home and get it while it was fresh, before throwing in some strawberry scented bubbles. He debated pouring Chuuya a glass of wine, but thought it best to leave that for Chuuya, since sometimes after work he was too stressed to *drink*, because that's a thing apparently!

Once that was done, Dazai began to stumble, feeling his body sway as he finally made it to Chuuya's bed, having to lean against the wall for support. His vision started pulsating, his head thumping. He'd already taken off his shoes and coat at the front door, so Dazai just slipped into the bed and curled up, falling asleep immediately.

It had been a shock to Chuuya to come home and see everything that happened! He had a warm bowl of soup that helped him feel better about life, then saw a bath had been run for him! Dazai used to slip into his place and do things like that to cheer him up when things were rough in the Mafia, and Chuuya suspected he continued to do so on occasion after he'd left, but once they reunited, Dazai stopped being discreet again.

Good food, a hot bubble bath and some heartfelt complimentary notes later, and Chuuya headed into his bedroom wearing surprisingly sloppy pyjamas. Everyone assumed that he'd wear silk pyjamas or maybe ones from an expensive brand, but Chuuya just liked wearing short pyjama shorts and an overly baggy t-shirt for pyjamas, because that was simply what made him comfortable.

Chuuya gasped softly when he saw Dazai asleep in his bed. He looked... rough. He'd cried himself to sleep from the looks of it, and had clearly been running on empty. Sighing, Chuuya slipped in beside him, pulling Dazai so his head rested over Chuuya's heart; because of the height difference, Chuuya never got to be the big spoon, so he took advantage whenever he could. He ran his fingers through Dazai's hair and kissed his forehead, smiling softly, "G'night, 'samu. I hope you're still here when I wake up."

Dazai shifted a bit in his sleep. He'd always been a light sleeper, even in the Mafia. For him to not wake up to the door opening or closing... Dazai murmured Chuuya's name in his sleep, and he noticed that he didn't even take his bandages off this time, seemingly too exhausted. Chuuya just continued to stroke his hair before dropping off into sleep as well.

Dazai didn't sleep the full night, the uncomfortable sensation in his body woke him up, his hand and arms were aching with a dull, cold tingling feeling. He shifted a bit, relaxing when he felt Chuuya's breath rise and fall- Chuuya wasn't snoring this time, and his arms were wrapped around Dazai loosely. He had a smile on his face, looking relaxed, and Dazai could tell that Chuuya took advantage of everything Dazai had done for him: he smelt nice from having a bath, and his stomach was quiet.

Dazai curled into himself a bit, as if to appear smaller. He did something right, just one thing. He closed his eyes again, still feeling heavy and exhausted, but he felt warm and safe, listening to Chuuya's breath and his rhythmic heartbeat.

****

"Ah, Snow White finally awakens." Dazai woke up, feeling Chuuya kissing his forehead and smiling, looking like he was in a great mood. Dazai hummed then leaned up to join their lips together properly, and Chuuya smiled against Dazai's lips before stroking his face with a sad look, "Your eyes sore?"

They *were*. Dazai had almost forgotten how much crying could hurt- though, he did also feel less stressed. He nodded to answer Chuuya, his eyes had burned from the scalding tears, but it felt irrelevant when he was here. It was strange, how time seemed to move a little slower when he was with Chuuya. Not in a bad way, either.

Chuuya nuzzled Dazai and sighed, "I'm guessing your colleagues still think I did it, then?" Chuuya wasn't one for subtlety, but knew when it was necessary- instead of calling them his friends or simply the Agency, he called them Dazai's colleagues; stating that at this moment, it's just business. Again, Dazai nodded, briefly explaining just how rocky things had gotten, but he kept Kunikida’s comments to himself. Chuuya just stroked his hair again, "They must've really pissed you off, huh? Well then, you're staying with me until you feel better, then. Boyfriend's orders."

Dazai felt a small smile tug at his lips, as he studied Chuuya's face. He liked Chuuya's warm hands against his own face, even if they stung his sore cheeks slightly, its still pleasant, "Ordering me around, huh?" He whispered lightly, though it was obvious that he didn't mind. While Kunikida’s comments weren't going to be repeated, he still felt hurt- no matter who he was partnered with, they always had a habit of insulting each other, but they never joke about each other's humanity. The question of whether he was human or not burned Dazai's skull, and he asked weakly, "Does Chuuya think I'm... just a monster? Less than human?"

Ah, that was something that used to come up in the past, though never asked so sincerely. Chuuya knew that even though he hated Dazai being upset, he couldn't lie. So he didn’t:

"You can be monstrous, but then again, who isn't capable of that? Listen to me, Osamu Dazai. You're a strong, and good man. And I love you. Even though you're a jackass for insulting my exquisite taste in closed and blowing up my car," He laughed, "...but you never abandoned me, even when you left. You're nothing less than a good man with a kind heart. A true human."

Dazai knew that Chuuya was being honest, he was always honest with his feelings and thoughts. But Dazai couldn't deny feeling like some sort of beast, eager to kill and lose himself, then wanting to die afterwards. He sacrificed so much, for his promises, for the love he felt towards those around him, but he'd always revert to his old ways if it had to be done. "I just... I don't know anymore..."

He always feels guilty. If he can't convince himself or the Agency that he's human, how can they ever trust him? How is Chuuya supposed to feel safe around him?

Chuuya thought about everything for a moment then took a breath, "Y'know, I think that while this is all happening, Yokohama isn't good for you right now. So, let's bail." Dazai looked at Chuuya in shock! He'd never suggested *running away* before, but... maybe a vacation wouldn't be such a bad idea? And that would certainly give Chuuya an alibi if any more attacks happened before Mori or Fukuzawa caught the prick. "How about somewhere like England? I didn't take you to London last time I went. Ooh, or maybe Paris? Somewhere we won't be bothered for a while."

"Paris?" Dazai echoed, smiling softly, "The City of Love. It's an appropriate choice, for such a hopeless romantic such as yourself." His words were teasing, but his heart was racing at the prospect.

"Paris it is, then." Chuuya cupped Dazai's face, and they shared a quick kiss before making some quick arrangements and doing some packing.

They really needed to get out of Yokohama for a while, they were exhausted and needed each other. Thankfully the Port Mafia always had some private jets that could be borrowed.

[friezaglasiencold]

So i’m curious-your father was in what you called your ‘second form’ all of the time and didn’t seem to have any higher forms. Do all members of your race have four/five forms or is it just you and Cooler?

Well, I suppose now that I no longer have any reason to hide my ability to transform, I may as well give you all a halfway decent explanation.

Firstly, 'my race' is formally referred to as “Arcosian”, though the name varies depending on where and whom you're asking. It's not a cultural monolith, you see, and our numbers are both few and far between. You may hear us referred to as Icejin, Frost Demons, Glazierites, et cetera.

Secondly, I (and presumably others of my kind, though I'm both a mutant and also the only one who actually matters) am able to rewrite my genetic sequence on command, which is how transforming is actually done. The forms that you're familiar with are the easiest and least costly to achieve, as they're ingrained into genetic memory. Most of what I know about how it all works comes from my father and my own medical team, but allow me to give you a brief summary of each (I'll do you the courtesy of putting it under a cut, as even a 'brief summary' will take quite a bit of space):

What you know as my 'first form' is meant to be a pupal form usually taken before a moult or during hibernation. It's a transitionary stage that I remained in out of necessity, as it slowed my metabolism and forced my power to remain dormant. It's commonly associated with children and the elderly, which was great fun to find out when I was in my teens and not allowed to leave it, but I digress.

The 'second' is...well, to put it gently, it's more bark than bite. My father preferred it only because 1) he liked to puff up his chest for the sake of his own ego and 2) he wasn't strong enough to create his own signature form. He insisted it inspired fear and respect among his subjects, but to me it just made him look desperate. It was embarrassing. (Also, apparently in times of old it was used in courtship, which given that context is quite funny .)

The 'third' is an evolutionary holdover from our days as semiaquatic predators, built for echolocation and pursuit. Isn't that fascinating? Imagine me swimming at full tilt to tear you to pieces. Ooh, very nice.

And the 'fourth', my true form, is the body in which I was born. A jack of all trades, if you will--or clay, to be moulded into whatever shape I please.

All this to say that our transformations are largely a matter of personal taste and aesthetic preference. My brother's an idiot tryhard whose diet consists mostly of protein shakes and broken dreams, so he decided to make himself look like the damned Space Terminator. That's not my problem.

[bruiserelliot]

I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about how in Meet the Robinsons, Carl the robot tells Wilbur that 'there's 99.999999% chance that you won't exist' if he fails in his endeavours. Now in the context of the movie this is taken to mean that Wilbur will have never been born, that kind of never existing. But obviously everything goes well, Lewis goes back to the science fair and fixes his memory scanner after declaring to DORIS that he's never going to invent her, thus erasing the possibility of her ever existing. But here's the thing, The grown up Lewis we meet before Wilbur takes our Lewis back to see his mom, is not the same Lewis we have at the end of the movie. And because of this, our Wilbur still might never exist. Stick with me here.

We might think it is due to the scene at the beginning, where baby Lewis is left on the doorstep of the orphanage, someone knocks on the door, and Mildred picks him up. The shots are repeated to imply that Lewis has always been the one to knock on the door from the beginning, and maybe he has been, that's not really the important part. Cause if that's all that Lewis 'changed' then that's just a time loop, Lewis grows up to be 12, the events of the movie happen, he comes back and knocks on the door, goes back to science fair, fixes the memory scanner, grows up to become Cornelius Robinson, marries Franny, has Wilbur, Wilbur leaves the door unlocked and Goob steals the time machine and sets everything back in motion again. A lot of the movie kinda sets up that this is a loop (keep moving forward and franny's advice 'i am always right')

But there's a few things keeping all of this from becoming a time loop. First one is that Lewis promised to never invent Doris, so firstly, this Lewis we have at the end of the movie remembers Doris, knows his future. Cornelius seems to know it in hindsight ('do we ever meet mom?' 'i think you might have to go back to the science fair and find out' i.e meeting Lucille) but not in the way Lewis will by the end of the movie. Point being, Lewis knows his future and is going to act accordingly, and no matter how it is he acts, that changes the time stream. Butterfly effect and such.

But more importantly: Lewis wakes Goob up. And in the movie this is a triumphant moment! Goob gets adopted, nobody will come to mess things up for Lewis since Goob has a family and he's sworn to never invent Doris.

So all of this happens, this is all true, but how can Wilbur not exist if Lewis knows the future and there's nothing there to disturb it? By having a different Wilbur. This Wilbur would I think be raised ever so slightly differently ('always lock the garage door' being hammered into him) and with an odd expectation on Lewis's side that this kid is gonna grow up to be the teenager he met when he was 12. And that, I think, makes for a different Wilbur than the one we met.

Meaning: a 99.999999% chance You won't exist might refer to a non time-travelling Wilbur existing instead of Our Wilbur.

I spend too much time thinking about this.