#it makes me feel like i'm allowed to actually label what i've been experiencing and that it's okay that that's what's been happening

[genericpuff]

Sorry for the racist anon

I dunno how it works for Native Americans, but In Australia, those with Indigenous bloodlines are considered First Nations, no matter their skin tone of ethnic features.

This is largely due to ethnic genocide and colonisation, which I’m guessing Native Americans also experienced(of course), so to see a Indigenous person cry that someone’s “too white” to be First Nations is sickeningly ignorant.

aha I appreciate that <3

And I actually can totally relate to that because my bloodline falls under First Nations labelling! Except instead of being Australian, I'm Canadian haha I don't know if it was the same in Australia but it was practiced for a long time here (I think up until the 80's?) that if you were a First Nations woman who married a non-First Nations man, you'd lose your status as a First Nations woman. So my grandmother, who was raised in a residential school from a very young age, lost her legal status after marrying a French man and that passed on to her children and even her grandchildren. So I actually wasn't legally considered First Nations until around my preteens/teenage years when we were able to contest our status and bloodline with the government and get it back. Colonization unfortunately runs very deep in my family across the generations going back to my grandmother, much of my father's side of the family are strictly Christian (like, I'm talking "women aren't allowed to wear pants" type Christian) and I was raised as someone who was visibly different in a community of predominantly French/Irish people, but no one had the tools or resources to tell me why I was different without giving me an extremely whitewashed version of events. It makes me really upset for past me because being different really alienated me from a culture I didn't understand and didn't want to bother understanding at the time - I didn't want to be First Nations, because being First Nations was "weird" and "different" and I wanted to fit in.

Thankfully now I'm an adult and I've learned that my culture isn't something to be ashamed of, but proud of. Sometimes it makes me a little sad to feel like a foreigner to my own peers, where I'm learning about traditions and norms that many already had from childhood, but it's been a fun learning experience and it brings me so much joy to reconnect to a history and culture that was almost wiped out with my grandmother. I'm glad I learned about my culture and what was almost taken from me before it was too late.

It's frankly why it really shocked me in that previous ask, hearing "eh, you're not brown enough to be Indigenous and you should stfu" because I was literally picked on and singled out - even by my own white-passing family members - for being brown and "the odd one out" growing up. Being called a "cracker" was definitely a new one for me, I've been called every other manner of name for being darker-skinned and having visibly native features but never a name for not being dark-skinned enough ?? Like man, that's wild. Unlocking some whole new side content right here LMAO

[aroaceconfessions]

ok I guess I'm gray-ace. It fits me more than no sexual attraction ever. But I still want to keep calling myself asexual and honestly, who cares!!! No one has to know that I'm capable of being attracted to people, I could call myself queer and no one should care either. And honestly I like being seen as fully ace, or like... at this point it's such a part of my identity. I experienced so much aphobia growing up to the point that it made me disgusted with the concept of ever feeling attraction in general, and that was definitely why I was in denial about being more gray-ace-ish too, and I still feel attraction SO rarely that honestly it could be never.

Something like aceflux or just aspec would work for me too but that's not the point, point is that no matter what, if trans guys are allowed to call themselves lesbians because of their personal connection to the label, I should be allowed to call myself ace even though I'm only on the spectrum. I prefer to be seen as just ace, some allos know what it means, I feel like I'd have to explain what gray-ace is and by extension describe my experiences and I don't want to do that!!! I don't want to describe the specific combination of things that need to align in order for me to feel sexual attraction. I mean, I'll share it here, because I feel safe here and it's all anonymous, but.

Basically it's kind of a mix of demi- and recipro- maybe, usually, I think irl I'm only capable of being attracted to someone I'm in a romantic relationship with, and that someone has to find me attractive first. But sometimes I see a person and I'm like "they're hot, if we were compatible, I wouldn't mind to date them", I guess that's how allos do it, but it's literally so rare that it's only happened once so far (and during a really weird time in general, I just got out of a really REALLY bad situation and I wasn't ready to unpack that so I got kinda self destructive and did and felt things that weren't normal for me, and to this day I'm not sure if what I felt was actually attraction or if it was just my brain's weird response to trauma, because then when I tried talking to the person more and like... analyzed their photos I guess, I didn't feel anything at all). Idk. it's all so confusing!!!

so basically. I just want to make things easier for myself. I'm ace. I've been ace my entire life. It just means a different thing to me now. But I don't want to let go of the label just because I indentify more with something under it

Submitted March 3, 2023

[soundwave-macaque]

My personal queer adventure. Happy Pride!

For those who are uninterested, this is my story of how I became very queer. I yap a lot so tl;dr I'm an Aromantic Bisexual Demigirl who couldn't be more happy right now.

I am making this post in part to always remember this pride month (and specifically this day). Being queer has always been hard for me to do, growing up AMAB and surrounding myself mostly with people who judge highly for being outside the norm made me pretty convinced of some schools of thought that I currently find detestable.

Despite my struggles, finding people who accept me and learning how to allow myself to be queer has been a frankly bizarre and wonderful adventure. I wouldn't trade it for anything, even with how difficult it can be.

It was rather easy to come to the conclusion that I was Aromantic (for as long as I could remember I wasn't the biggest fan of romance) and not long after it became pretty apparent to me how attractive men can be, even if not in a romantic lens. What was really difficult was understanding what the fuck was going on with my gender identity.

It took a while for me to realize that I didn't like my assigned gender at birth. To be fair I still don't take as much issue with it as others like me do. That's probably why it was so easy to dismiss my feelings. "I hate how I look not because I'm experiencing gender dysphoria but because I'm ugly." You know, stuff like that. I felt for the longest time that I couldn't be a different gender because of how little I seemed to hate my assigned gender compared to what others said about there own gender. At the end of the day I was probably just in denial.

Things started to change when I was finally able to grow my hair out. Having long hair gave me something to actually like about myself that I didn't have before. Granted I just chalked this up to liking long hair, no implications of gender whatsoever! What was harder to deny was the way wearing dresses made me feel. One of my best friends was able to gift me one of their dresses. When I tried it on it was like I had finally woken up out of a nightmare. I actually liked what I looked like in the mirror. Liked it! Me! I looked at myself and thought "I look good"! That had never happened to me before.

Now of course this was not enough to make me consider my gender identity no no no I just liked dresses! That was totally cisgender (btw it can totally be cisgender all clothes are unisex if you try hard enough). What especially stopped this was showing this side of myself to my family. They didn't really understand. Some of them tried. Others didn't. It ended up putting a huge damper on my feelings around GNC dressing and really halted my exploration of this side of myself.

Unfortunately for those who very much did not want this outcome, my insatiable gender envy and dysphoria stopped for no mortal! I started to genuinely wish I was born with features that are more feminine. It got to the point where I had started doing research into how I could fake some feminine features. The big one being breasts. I felt like if I could get breasts it would cure a lot of my dysphoria. It was around this time I started to consider the label of demigirl. Mainly because I still don't really feel fully like a girl. I want to look like a girl and dress like a girl, but I'm not fully a girl. More and more research and time went into it and I decided to try out the label, see if things worked.

That leads us to today. In which I haven't fully completed operation fake titty, but I have something to base my feelings around. And oh my god, I love them. I realize that I do not have breasts, but seeing what looks like breasts on my body gave me so much euphoria that my brain finally full sent me into "oh shit, I'm not a man." and honestly, I don't know if I've ever felt better!

This is the only photo I'm proud enough of that has the fake breasts that I can be proud of right now, but I still wanted to share it. I can't put accurately into words how happy I am right now, but wow. This feels good. This pride month will always be special to me. Today will always be special to me. Because today was the day I finally found a piece of myself that I have felt missing for years. Happy Pride everyone. I hope yours are as good as mine is.

[leadendeath]

i don't want to reblog the post because my commentary is not relevant to the subject, so i didn't want to put this in said post's tags. also as i type it turned into a long...? something. vent maybe? i don't even know what to refer to it as. but i've seen a couple of posts recently that have really got me thinking.

as i'm writing this, they both just appeared on my dash. they are this one and this one. i'm definitely going to post this now (i have to) and not just save it in my drafts forever.

Having sex with friends sounds nice! I am pro-that! (pro meaning not anti) for me it would alleviate my fears of hooking up with those I just met or haven't known for years because friends are less likely to murder/kidnap you or give you a disease! (I do not want to die from sex lmao) the con: now they know what i look like and what bodily/physical problems i have that aren't visible to the general public. no. i can't have sex with my friends. my god. it all boils down to my body dysmorphia. literally the mortifying ordeal of it being known

So I think again, like I often do, about my place on the ace spectrum. I usually do not care for labels, don't find them necessary to apply to myself, but it's totally cool if other people have tons of different labels that they use. I am pro-that too! I myself am definitely grey-ace or demi-something. I landed on aegosexual- a disconnect between yourself and your sexual attraction- for a long time. I am never sexually or romantically attracted to somebody I don't know. Not even people on the screen. What if that hot (definition for this context: visually appealing) actor is a dick? Good looks garbage personality? At least you can do research on him. Not the case with "irl contacts" (definition: non-famous and real people who you might actually meet or know in person).

I know that I definitely experience sexual attraction, and want to have sex. Based on that I don't feel quite right calling myself asexual.

I don't LIKE that I feel too bad about experiencing sexual attraction to act on it. There's this weird feeling that's hard to place, but closest to "guilt", I'd say. Disgust with myself.

That time I was propositioned to go back to a con hotel (i turned him down and he listened and respected me and was nice, it's just i stopped myself), or that other time when making out and groping (different guy different occasion; we could've gone further but i stopped myself), or even just flirting and talking about our turn-ons and things we Like with my long-distance online sort-of bf that I had. I'm even hesitating to follow the "after dark" art accounts that I want to follow on bird site because of the guilt and almost embarassment I feel at myself (I'm fully aware that the only reason most people have locked accounts which you have to request to follow is to keep out minors and trolls btw, and i'm certainly neither of those!).

All of this is stuff I want and that's enjoyable to me, but this nagging "don't do that. you're gross. why would you say/do that? you're being weird. stop. stop. stop. you're not allowed to do these things." is always there in my mind. I don't want it to be there, and it's always there.

Now, this doesn't come from religious trauma, like "sex before marriage = wrong and bad"? "gay sex = ultimate evil"? Nah, I was never told those things. I didn't even have a very religious upbringing. These thoughts can't be explained away by any of that. Even my mom has always been like "you can have a girlfriend or a boyfriend! i don't mind as long as you're happy! :)" yknow having that nice accepting approach to that time when I was like 15 and settled on bi for "what i was" at the time. No judgement, no condemnation there either.

It's not real.

When I learned that I have ocd, suddenly I started to maybe have an explanation for these thoughts. Some people's obsessions focus on repetition or contamination. A good part of my obsessions focus on condemnation. I'm scared of it. I take "beating yourself up over something" to the next level. Just like any other person who's familiar with delusions, intrusive thoughts, etc will tell you: knowing it's not real doesn't make it any better. Doesn't make it stop. Doesn't make it go away.

When I could explain this detrimental thought process away by finding this horrible disorder to pin the blame on, I felt freer. I've thought many times throughout my mentally ill life about bringing up my (questioning)asexuality to a therapist one day, and I still will, even more so now. i felt before like I'd bring it up to them and not be able to back it up with any evidence, and just be brushed off? That's a stupid way to think, I know. And a therapist who would really do that is one you'd leave immediately. You don't need evidence to talk about how you feel, that's so silly... but that thought itself comes back around, in a vicious cycle, to my needing to justify myself because otherwise I am Wrong And Bad. jeez. what a way to think. i hate that. will be so glad when i get it under control after 25+ years.

edit: oh ya there's also this. my tags on one of the above posts i never reblogged, sat in my drafts.

my disability is inseparable from my sexuality, whatever it is.

[knifearo]

how did you realize that you were aro? I’m thinking about using greyromantic but I’m still not sure

i have already answered a version of this here! very gently placing that into your hands and then proceeding to write out a whole other answer anyway haha

in complete and total honesty. i was thirteen and i saw a definition of asexual in the "love" edition of teen vogue and i went "oh THAT'S what it is???" and i've been asexual ever since... for real though i found that definition and went looking further into things online and i don't know if it was because ace + aro discussions are so intertwined or because when i went "oh, i have no sexual attraction" i really went "oh, i have no attraction", but for me, asexuality and aromanticism were very intertwined, and once i knew that i wasn't feeling one it just kind of like. went for granted that i wasn't feeling the other one. i took the package deal. the combo, if you will.

while i was still deciding if that was the label i wanted to use (i thought of it as trying to figure out "what i was" but i find that framework to be,,, unhelpful? i will explain further later) what really helped me was going online and reading other aspec people's experiences, so you're on the right track already! squishes were a big thing for me: i read someone talking about those and immediately thought of my friend who i had been VERY proccupied with and had not had an explanation for it or the words to describe it (and i still don't, honestly. anyone with a good explanation of how a squish feels feel free to weigh in). from the asexuality side of things it was seeing someone talk about realizing that sexual attraction wasn't a huge inside joke and going "wait, it's NOT?" which was. silly. but also a very clear sign. sjkgfhd.

one thing that makes it difficult is that no alloro person i've ever met can actually give you a good description of what romantic attraction is. i'm realizing now that i'm silly and should just have been asking alloaces (feel free to say stuff in the notes! will also make a post asking around in a sec once i post this) but i will say that if you are frequently thinking about maybe being aspec it's typically a good indicator that you're not having an experience that alloro people have. they tend to be very confident about this sort of thing because they are. experiencing the romantic attraction.

i am going to direct you also to this post about using labels as labels, not as immutable states of being. if describing yourself as greyro would be helpful to your own internal journey or helpful in describing your experience to other people, use it! if it's not, don't feel pressured to use that label, or any label at all. you are a person with a unique experience and it's going to be hard. luckily all these words are made up and we can use them however we want or need :)

greyromantic is also an AWESOME term because it's already built in with caveats. i know a lot of people feel stressed about like. "committing" to the label of aromantic because what if they do feel it. but even if you couldn't stop using a label anytime it stopped feeling right, grey-aspec labels are wonderful because they acknowledge that the experience is variable and. y'know. not black or white. so even if you're stressed out about getting it wrong (which you don't need to be), greyro has you covered :)

ultimately my stance is always that if a label is going to be a positive thing for you then you should use it. you're allowed to be wrong about it. you're allowed to change it. and i know it can be hard to convince yourself of that so! if you're having trouble with that, i give you permission to use greyromantic (or any aspec label) for as long as you want or need it. go forth and be aro my friend <2

[circulars-reasoning]

Each Community Has It's Problems...

In particular, this post is going to address my time in the pro-endo community. JAS made a very good vent post in 2021 about some of those issues, explaining how it created some distaste for him for endogenics in general. It's been circulating again and I wanted to add on a few things. Thought I would make my own post, though, as my thoughts are separate from his.

This post isn't as nuanced as they always will be, but I wanted to be able to share these things. Anyone is allowed to interact with this post!

First off, this phrase "plural is what you want it to be" is something I see on a daily basis in the inclusive servers I'm currently in, and it's something I saw quite a bit in the plural spaces I used to be in. Essentially, "plural" as a label is for anyone - singlets included - so long as they feel the term is "right" for them, or helps them.

I have an innate distaste for this. The reason I do is because of how that mentality was used to hurt and abuse me repeatedly, as a now diagnosed DID system.

When I first joined plural spaces, I was constantly fucking fakeclaimed by pro/endos. I was constantly told I was autigenic, that I was mixed-origin at best, that my trauma "wasn't enough" - because I couldn't describe any. But it wasn't fakeclaiming the likes of what we see on FDC. It was "loving" and "caring."

I express needing desperate help, because I'm having panic attacks and have no idea why. "Have you considered it's your autism and you're melting down? Is someone else internally stressed about school?" No, I was having flashbacks to my trauma and instantly forgetting what I had seen in my mind, because I wasn't ready to see it. So I sat, and puzzled, and accepted that I Was Just Like This. After all, everyone else around me was "just like that," and they had their own strategies to help them - none of which seemed to help me. So I became incredibly defeatist. I believed I was just going to always be a dysfunctional plural, because I couldn't lock away my alters like was suggested. I couldn't push away the trauma stressors in my life.

Plural spaces inherently encouraged me to ignore my trauma, because they offered a million different options for what I was actually experiencing. And it was like being traumagenic was taboo - if you were traumagenic, you were pushed away into a corner, told you could party with the rest of them if you kept it under wraps. I join servers to this day where discussions of dormancy, splitting, integration, and fusion - all incredibly fundamental parts of my disorder and healing from my disorder - are part of blacklists. "We don't want to trigger anyone!" Have you considered what you're actually doing is blacklisting the healing process those like me require? Integration is inherent for healing from DID, but it's blacklisted in numerous servers I've seen and subsequently left.

The endogenic community strongly encourages further dissociation as well. Alters should be different; distinct. I've seen it encouraged to watch new media to "make new fictives." Source-calls encouraging introjects to connect deeper to sources, even date random strangers who "are from the same source" (not a thing). Everything I've seen in plural spaces focuses on being, well, Multiple People, and supporting that strongly - and working against that goal is frowned upon (i.e., final fusion being discussed as being death).

Those spaces also incredibly support unhealthy coping mechanisms for those like me who have DID. Maybe others are finding good resources out there in plural spaces, but... I'll talk about dissociation and be linked to PluralPedia. I'll ask about how to stay awake on a long drive, and be told "just force yourself to rapid switch, because a new alter will be fresh and awake!" (Hello, crashing my car).

I think that's as much time and energy as I have today. I just... I definitely understand the unease. I have been so greatly hurt in endo spaces, and while the inclusive spaces I am in now are better than those I was in previously - with more acknowledgment that those who say they have a disorder should be believed - there are still problems with Everything Being Valid If It Helps, with no recognition of the fact that, when you're maladaptive already, hurting yourself badly can look a lot like helping.

[666writingcafe]

The Soup

Asmo

Mammon would not have been my first choice to be tonight's chef, but it is his turn to cook, so I can't complain too much. He actually tried this time.

He has prepared a three course meal, the first of which is a lamia bone meal soup. MC had wanted to settle in their room, so it's not surprising when they arrive in the dining room as Mammon's doling out soup. What is surprising, however, is them covering their mouth and darting out of the room like they're about to get sick. I know it's been a while since they had Devildom food, but I've never seen them react like that with anything we've served.

Of course, there was the Demonus from the bar we went to, but that was a rather strong version of it.

Except MC didn't drink any of it. It was the smell that set them off.

Oh no.

What did Mammon put in this soup?

I get up from my seat and excuse myself, spinning a story about how I need to powder my nose. On my way out, I gently squeeze Lucifer's shoulder. It's been a while since I've used that signal, but he still remembers what it means, for he sets his spoon down and wordlessly follows me out of the room.

"Is everything okay, Asmo?" Lucifer asks quietly.

"I'm fine," I reply. "It's MC I'm worried about."

"What do you mean?"

"They looked like they were going to throw up."

"I didn't think the soup smelled that vile."

"I don't think it's the soup. Not exactly." I pause. "Do you remember the incident with the Demonus?" A moment passes, and Lucifer's eyes widen.

"Where do you think they went?"

"Maybe to the restroom?" Lucifer nods his head, and the two of us quickly head in that direction. Our search for MC doesn't last long, however, and we find them sitting with their back against the wall with their legs spread out and their sleeves rolled up.

And then there's the smell. Thankfully, they didn't throw up, but the scent is just as powerful, if not more so. I know it all too well, although I've not experienced something that strong before. Apparently, neither has Lucifer, for he pulls out a handkerchief and covers his nose with it.

"Do you know what to do?" he asks, his voice raspy all of a sudden. I nod my head.

"It's been a while, but I think I can still do it." With that, I cautiously approach MC and crouch down in front of them. Their cheeks are flushed, and they look like they're about to cry.

"MC, can you hear me?" I ask. They weakly nod their head. "Is it okay if I grab your hand?" Nothing. I don't blame them, though. They're probably so lost in their head that the words aren't fully registering in their head.

"I want to help you feel better," I add. "Will you allow me to do that?"

"Please," they whine. I gently place both of my hands on top of one of theirs. Immediately, their wildest and dirtiest thoughts reveal themselves to me, and it takes every ounce of self-control I have to keep myself still.

"Now, I want you to close your eyes and take some deep breaths with me."

"Okay," they reply in a child-like voice. I need to be careful and not make them pass out like Lucifer inadvertently did the last time.

"Alright. Breathe in." I count to four. "Hold it." Again. "Breathe out." A third time. While a fair amount has transferred from MC to me, I can tell there's still a lot in there, so I have to repeat the exercise a few more times. After the fourth deep breath, I can sense that MC's calm enough to talk properly, so I let go of their hand and allow what I took in to go through my system properly.

۞۞۞

"I believe this is the culprit," Lucifer states, holding up the empty bottle that was sitting on the kitchen counter. The bright orange label reads 'Gold Hellfire Newt Syrup'. Immediately, my stomach drops. Out of all the Devildom aphrodisiacs...

"Isn't that the secret remedy of the Dragaul folk?" MC asks. Great. Another one of Levi's TSL collectibles.

"You're partially correct," Lucifer answers. "The standard syrup is modeled after that."

"This might sound like a silly question, but what exactly is a hellfire newt?" Lucifer glances over at me, knowing that I can answer their question more accurately than he can.

"A hellfire newt is a Devildom creature that originally begins its life as a regular newt in the human world. It becomes a hellfire newt when it catches fire, burns to a crisp, and reincarnates here."

"So, like a phoenix."

"Exactly. Their most common use is in remedies and elixirs meant to restore and revitalize the body, but when combined with certain ingredients, they can stimulate sexual desire."

"I was beginning to wonder how you knew about this." If it weren't for the serious look on Lucifer's face, I would have busted out laughing. I don't want him to hit me, though, so I keep my composure.

"What you were exposed to is the gold variant of the syrup," Lucifer explains to MC. "When consumed, the syrup acts as a potent aphrodisiac, causing very powerful sexual urges to occur. The effects can last anywhere between a few days and a couple hundred years."

"But Asmo was able to stop the effects, right?"

"I merely lessened their impact," I reply. "Although, I do understand how Lucifer made you pass out in the underground tomb. You are a rather intense creature, MC, and it took everything in my power to remain calm through the process." MC sighs, sadness flashing in their eyes.

"What about the others?" they ask.

"They'll be experiencing the effects soon," Lucifer replies. "You will need to help cure them of their influence."

"How?"

"Use the pacts to issue them orders. That is currently the most effective way."

[enhas-bestie]

Hii so sorry for bothering you but, I love writing I’ve been doing it for a long time. I’d like to post on tumblr but I’m kinda new to it and don’t really know how to use it (gifs, text colors,…) so if it’s okay for you could you maybe teach me how to use it or give me some tips?

Hi!!

Don't worry, it's really no bother at all💖 And while I don't think I'm the best or most experienced person to ask, I'll try to help to the best of my abilities :))

One: Banners

So, firstly, when you have everything laid out for your fic and you know your basic plot, you'll want to make a banner. It doesn't have to be fancy or anything but I feel like the nicer it looks, the more people would be attracted to read your fic. To make the banners you can use either Canva or VistaCreate. Just type it into Google and it will take you to the respective websites.

Two: The masterlist.

After you have your banner, you're gonna want to create a masterlist.

It's basically gonna keep everything organized and help people find the chapter list for the rest of your fic. You'll also include a basic summary of what your fic is about, add any warnings you want readers to know about and maybe even add your update times etc. Here's an example of one of my masterlists (idol crush! Masterlist). As you can see, it has the banner I've created (note that you really don't have to put the summary on the banner like I did) and I've also chosen to stick with a blue colour scheme.

At the bottom are my taglists which include the ppl who asked to be added. Overall, it just keeps things really organized for both you and readers.

Three: links, fonts, colour

Links

Okay, so in the masterlist you can see I've added a list of all my chapters and ppl can basically click on it and they'll be sent to whatever chapter number they've chosen. So, the way you're gonna do that is to add hyperlinks to you chapter.

An Example:

chapter one: yn?? as in THE yn??

Basically, you'll just type out a similar text as shown above in your masterlist (how you choose to label your fic chapters is completely up to you).

here, there is no hyperlink. It's just text - so if you click on it, nothing will happen. What you want to do is actually get the link to chapter one and add it to the text. You'll do it like this:

i.e) you'll type out your a text.

go to the to the actual post you're referring to.

click those 3 dots and copy the link.

go back to the original post where your text is (in this case it's your masterlist) and select the text you've written (in this case "chapter one: yn...") then click that link icon that I've circled and click paste.

You'll know you're successful if your text looks like this: chapter one: yn?? as in THE yn??

2. Fonts and colour.

Personally when I'm doing a fic, I'll pick one central colour that I'll use for everything. In idol crush!, you'll see it's blue. For the colour options, you'll see that when you select a portion of your text, a few colours will pop up like this:

To change your text to a colour, you select you text and then this bar of colours will pop up. Pick your desired colour and your selected text should change to whatever colour you picked.

I'm sure you can see that you're limited to 7 colours because those are the only options that tumblr gives. But you can go onto the internet and type in something like "font colour generator" and it'll lead you to a few websites that will allow you to customize whatever text you want, into whatever colour you want. Then you copy that, come back onto tumblr and paste it in your post!

The only troublesome thing is that you need to add some coding stuff to make it work and I honestly haven't figured out how to do it yet, so I'm just sticking to the default colours that tumblr offers for now💀 there are other authors on here who know how to do it tho! So try and ask them and I'm sure they'd help :)

Now for your fonts.

You're also given some options by tumblr. If you look up at the picture you'll see "Aa". Click on it and it will basically give you some options. "B" is for bold and then "I" is for italics.

The way to use it is also to select a portion of the text you want - then that bar will pop up and you'll click on "B", for example, if you want that text to become bolded.

Alternatively, you can also go onto the internet and search "fonts generator" and it will lead you to a website that allows you to type your text in a fancier font.

Luckily, you can simply copy it from the website and paste it into your tumblr post and it will work. It doesn't require and wierd coding stuff (?) so it's fairly simple and easy.

Some tips I'll give you:

Don't overload your posts with different colours and fonts. Sometimes it just ends up looking messy if you're trying to use too much elements at once.

Stick with one or two central colours and then one/two fonts. Also, try to not use bright colours excessively in a post because some people will shy away from reading it because the colour strains or annoys their eyes. So I highly suggest you keep the body of your fics black.

Also, make the title of your post bigger than the rest of your fic and bold it - just so it stands out more (don't make it too big though). I also suggest leaving your actual story in the plain, default black font + make sure that the spacing between your paragraphs are equal and small. It just looks neater to read.

At the end (or beginning) of every chapter, also add a link to your masterlist, the next chapter and the previous chapter. If readers see that your fic is "easy" to read (ie. they don't have to go hunting for every chapter through your blog) then it'll likely interest them in keeping up with your story.

Example: I leave something like this at the end of every fic: a link to my masterlist and a quick synopsis.

Lastly, tumblrs algorithm.

It's terrible.

Honestly really, really, terrible and if your post doesn't get attention within 2-3 days, it will get lost in the tags. I'm not saying this to discourage you, but don't beat yourself up too much if your first few posts don't blow up. There's a chance it probably just got buried in the tags and most people only pay attention to the fics at the top of the list.

That's why I want to encourage you to use the tagging system to your advantage. If you're writing a jungwon fic, use literally all of his tags : enhypen x reader, yang jungwon, Jungwon fluff, Jungwon angst etc. That way your fic will be under many tags and hopefully many more readers will see it!

The shitty algorithm is why you'll always see writers encouraging readers who've enjoyed their fics to reblog. It's the only way fics get to stay on top of the list or circulate around the platform.

I don't wanna carry on for too long bc this post is already long as it is, but I hope this has helped! And I genuinely don't mind if you have any more questions to send in. This was a very general overview, so if you want to send in some specific questions then I don't mind and I'll try to help as best as I can :)

[burning-sol]

Just. Talking under the cut.

Yesterday was weird. I keep going back on my thoughts unable to parse what is reality and what isn't and questioning whether what I did was reasonable. In hindsight, I do think it was right for me to feel gaslit. There were so many things that were off but I was scared and I couldn't say it where more than friends could hear.

It's weird to tell someone who's expressing that something was transphobic that "no it wasn't, actually it was very supportive!" And then you go on to talk about if I don't agree with the thing in question being accurate to trans women's experiencing, then I should read a comic called "gaslighting" where the trans character is being told by the other that what they experienced didn't happen.. That's obviously meant to be a parallel to me. And then when I feel provoked and point out how I feel like *I'm* being gaslit, I'm shut down.

I start getting picked apart for things like the fact I wrote transwomen as one word, I get told I'm transmisogynistic for treating the other in a way that wouldn't have been different if it were any other person, later I'm told that my figurative language of feeling "talked over" isn't literal for therefore I'm wrong, I'm told that my comic where there's TWO transfem characters where only one of them is behaving aggressively is transmisogynistic because I portrayed how I felt the interaction happened. There was also a post made where I think it was implied that I'm TME, which is transphobic to assume of strangers on the internet who you don't have any insight to the experiences of.

This might seem over dramatic but, being a victim of emotional abuse including repeated gaslighting, I feel like this experience of being undermined was something I accurately described in the words I did.

Also, there was a comment about how the other did not have the means to suppress my point of view... The individual in question stated she was a friend to a large blogger who has infinitely more reach than me. If the blogger hadn't been understanding and courteous to me, I could very much be harassed into silence. And as I've said before, I am a victim of gaslighting and emotional abuse as well as being psychotic, so I have struggles with recognising reality and am prone to letting others talk over me or insisting they know my reality better than I do. Most people around me, even if they don't realise, have more power over me than I like to think about.

I think there's also an unwillingness to realise that you DO have certain privileges that extend over me when it comes to being trans:

- As a closeted/non-transitioned trans person, there are situations where I may be talked over and excluded by other members of the community because I'm seen as not being trans enough or not trans yet.

- As a nonbinary trans person, people with binary (I know the term is flawed but please don't twist me words here) transitions may be considered the more "normal" trans person.

- As a fem presenting trans with masculine pronouns, evidently, others are always prone to making incorrect assumptions about me in both my offline and my online life, and then criticised because it's "too complicated to understand" compared to binary trans people.

I don't think I have it "harder" or "easier" than trans women, because certain experiences are too different to be comparable and changes from a case-to-case basis. One day, I might be praised for being cis unlike trans women because that's how I'm being percieved, another day, I might be insulted because I'm such a "clockable" tranny because that's how I'm being percieved. This is why I emphasise how weird it is to be marked as TME by someone who doesn't know me.

The entire exchange made me feel incredibly unsafe in my own community. If others can feel entitled to shut me down when I try to express I've been hurt by something I saw as transphobic, if people are allowed to label me as a transmisogynist because I was critical of them the exact same I would be of any other person.. I don't feel like there is room for me here. Or anywhere.

And to get personal, a part of why this entire thing was so triggering is specifically because I've been gaslit about my gender identity before. Like, this whole debacle just affirms my fears I should have never expected to feel accepted by the community, because it's not even real. I'm not real. How dare I say I'm trans and speak about trans things when I'm clearly not?

For the record, I don't think this person was "hysterical" or any other similarly disparaging words? I said what I said. I said she derailed the conversation, I said if felt like she was gaslighting me, I said it felt like she was impatient, I said it felt like she was speaking for someone else: it felt dismissive and even emotionally abusive. If I accept that what I did was entirely transmisogynistic and how dare I say ANY of it- that kind of mentality is the exact shit that's going to get me put in an abusive relationship again.

"How dare you complain that you felt gaslit by me, that's transmisogynistic!" <- If I internalise this then any abuser that comes along can exploit this critcism of my "morals" to shut me down, which is also very very vile to me having traits of moral OCD.

Just.. I don't know how to conclude this post. I'm hurt and I'm sad and I've struggling with my psychosis and considering just stopping calling myself trans all day. I just hope that this makes sense and it might be helpful to others if you've experienced something similar. Idk.

[swansong-of-occhiolism-blog]

So it seems I actually used you, once. Although it's been a minute. Life update for this decade:

Diagnosed with bipolar ii, gen+soc anxiety, ADD

Soon to be 6 years clean! One small slip off the wagon, half a bean (that's speed or amphetamine for you future web archaeologists) and then I reached out to A (7 year anniversary tomorrow!) I flushed the rest (I'm so sorry for the pollution but it was the right thing for me in that moment to reduce harm ♡)

Yeah, I still get regular cravings. At least bi-weekly, still daily when I'm stressed.

I know I'm full-blown looneypants from crazy town, but I'm also starting to wonder if these disorders, more and more of which are appearing in our youth post-covid, are merely symptoms of a woefully broken social structure rather than 'disorders,' and as a "trauma survivor" (I still loathe that label. It reduces me to only what I've overcome, ignoring any outgrew aspect of what makes me, me!) or something I would have experienced in any timeline and regardless of nepotism.

Regardless which is true, our system is broken. If I couldn't consistently beg+borrow, I would still be homeless, now with 2 children and a spouse. Average rent in my area is nearly $2k/mo for a 2-bedroom attached. ODSP (Ontario disability support program) ensures that my household has 1900/mo for the 4 of us, so that basically covers necessary travel and groceries (milk is up to $12 for 4L!?), along with utilities, and leaves a few hundred for rent. I can sometimes find and do odd jobs, but generally I'm doing, how do you say.. ah -- FUCKING TERRIBLY

I'm still struggling with my depression and anxiety, and I'm worse off financially, socially, by just about any other useful and real metric since becoming sober.

That means the bad guys are winning. And the winners write the history, and apparently rewrite it a century or more later to allow and even positively frame their bigotry and hatred. Will my death even be recorded when it finally comes? Or will I be a rounded-down, modal average, "miscellaneous civilian loss by township," (or some other overly watered down by semantics, or even outright fabricated and 'verified' statistic) during what I'm terrified is becoming a more and more certain class war between the ultra wealthy 700 people who effectively control EVERY RESOURCE AND LAW ON OUR PLANET OF 8+ BILLION.

I want better than this for my children, and I feel guilt daily for forcing them to experience this world that I still don't feel like I belong in. My utopia is so far past socialism that it makes communism look like gluttony. I'll take a moment to ramble about that, even:

Imagine, if you will, a world where the only thing "yours" are internal. Your love, your relationships, your soul/energy/what-have-you, while material things from here belong to everyone living here. You step outside the group or individual residence you choose to spend last night in.

At least one person truly fucking LOVES this area, maybe it's the flora and fauna, maybe it's geophysical, maybe it's tied to something intrinsic to them, like a cherished memory. But that person will voluntarily make every effort to keep that place safe and awesome for everyone 20 of 30 days of the month, and love that they're doing that. You love symbiotic landscaping, so you take a moment to appreciate your recently planted garden before going to the first vehicle that looks like you want it for this ride. You hop in, choose between manual or automatic road+mode, and push the button ignition. Thank God (the charging station installation specialist) because everywhere you can reasonably park will charge any parked vehicle! You head to the food library and check to see who and what is available. SCORE!! There's a griller here today! Let's grab some <full of nutrients, lacking in junk, GMO BBQ> on a fresh baked bun. Even though it's the 20th time they've made this exact same sandwich today, the griller is pumped to hand you your steaming bamboo plate and a smile splits their face as you smile at just the scent of your meal. And now, you're ready to go plant some more gardens and forests!

Obviously, I could live forever further inventing this fantasy world of mine, and is got some obvious kinks and necessary disclaimers (like disability devices/vehicles, needing a quiet night while buddy in the next room needs a CPAP, etc) but if I don't come back to reality now I'm afraid I'll leave it too far behind for a bit too long and have a complete rainbow-pill meal for a while, so I'm going to instead read on someone else's fantastic creations.

Sorry this was so jumbled and semi-dissociated, I'm having a (not completely terrible, but) bad day.

On that note, 0-5 ascending scale::

Irritability: 2

Anxiety: 5

Mood: 1

Ability to direct focus: 2

Short-term to long-term memory exchange: 1

Highlights of the day:

Very nearly shed my first tear since my "i lost my daddy-father" day, december 23, 2022. I sobbed as if I would soon be dehydrated, I moaned and wailed into a pillow in the cellar (we're chez Mami aujourd'hui) and my eyes welled enough that squeezing them tightly (enough to cause shaking throughout my head+neck muscles) let one wet the pillow. It was a pink butterfly pillow, with pink and purple sequins, and a blue carapace (or the papillion equivalent)

Until/Unless I write again, goodbye.

[mikeduch]

Between the Concha y Toro case and the California vs North Dakota study, I couldn't help but think of how generously clueless I feel when walking into a wine shop and picking out a bottle. If you asked me how much I know about wine I would respond with "very little", but I do quite enjoy wine. And truthfully I would think I fall right around average. I have some familiarity with regions that are known for their wine. I have a general sense of different types of wine and which ones I prefer. But when I walk into a wine store... I feel excited when I see a bottle I've seen before as it makes me feel like I'm not totally clueless.

In my opinion, not many families of products have as much trouble with brand recognition as wine does. Yeah there are some bottom shelf wine brands that many people know (e.g. Yellow Tail) but generally speaking consumers of wine have much stronger associations with regions, price, or even the look of a wine label than any individual brand. My mind wonders what it is about wine that creates this phenomenon. The case seemed to make a mention of the way consumers of wine like to explore/experiment and I think this is certainly a major part of it. When experimentation is inherently a part of the wine experience for both experienced and inexperienced wine drinkers, it creates a phenomenon where consumers want bounds they can choose within (region and/or price point). Specific brands/vineyards simply don't offer enough choice. It seems to suggest that the Concha y Toro model as an umbrella brand over other brand name wines has the potential to be successful. Someone like myself might find themselves liking having a umbrella brand that I feel comfortable buying within, especially if it delivers on the perception of low price, high quality. This also feels like a recipe to get a customer like myself to maybe enter at a lower price range but be willing to take a step up for a special occasion or as my means allow because of trust I have in the quality of the umbrella brand. With keeping the challenges of a "bottom-up" strategy in mind, coming to the market with a range of brands under a parent company/brand and establishing themselves across the price ranges seems like a potentially viable way to establishing themselves. But then again, you can't be all things to all people and focusing on a customer segment is important. Wine truly poses a unique challenge for brands.

As a funny aside, recently in an effort to keep airline status for one more year, I took advantage of a miles sign up bonus for a wine delivery membership. $80 total for 14 wines... $5.71 a bottle. What a steal. While so far I've only worked through a few of the bottles, there's actually been quite a few I've really enjoyed. But as much as I enjoyed them, it's incredibly unlikely I make any effort to purchase any of those wines again. Not out of lack of enjoying them, but just because that's not how I and many others purchase wine.

[chaos-monkeyy]

I am also a smut writer but lately I've been really down. I have gotten some comments, just people saying I must constantly have a dirty mind or that they could never think like that or write like that, or they imply that some of the kinks I've written are gross. Others have said I've given myself a reputation now. I don't want a reputation, I just want to be me. I think they are meant to be jokes but it's hurtful. I was wondering if you ever experienced the same thing and how you handled it. Thanks

Hi Anon, sorry for taking a little while to answer 💙 I've been quietly mulling this over in the back of my mind since you sent it, trying to think of something actually useful to say.

First off, I'm sorry the shitheads have got you down. I've been pretty lucky avoiding that nonsense for the most part, but I do know how fucking awful it feels to deal with that sort of thing.

One way I've found to handle it is to be... well, a little arrogant about it all. Yeah, I can write stuff or think things that a lot of other people "never could" because that's.. like... literally what a good writer's job is. (and anyone who thinks we're only capable of writing fictional things we actually want to see or happen for real is a fucking dipshit. but I digress.) Anyway, just because someone meant something like that negatively, doesn't mean they're actually right about it being a bad thing.

I also know for a fact some people think some of my kinks are gross, and.. I mean, that in itself is fair. I think a lot of other people's kinks are gross. One person's kink, another's squick, etc. The difference between being an asshole or not is whether they feel the need to tell you, when they could instead have just... Not... Interacted..... And the assholes can fuck right off. I know it still sucks at the time, and it's hard not to feel down about it, but they're seriously just not worth your time and energy.

As far as the reputation and the unfunny "jokes" go, I don't really have any good way to deal. People like to shove other people in boxes and label them and ignore what the actual person wants, and it's frustrating as hell. Depending how well you know and trust the people making those jokes and comments, it might work to just tell them it hurts to be kind of.. reduced and two-dimensioned like that. You are allowed to be you, and who "you" are in fandom spaces and as a writer is allowed to change over time, too.

I did find that it made a difference when I stopped and took a look at the side of my reputation I'd built for myself. Because for a long time I was the first one to go "oh ha ha I only write filth I can't do *real* story", so that was.. how other people saw me too.

So I did my damnedest to stop doing that, because fuck that.

Fuck the self-deprecating bullshit we're expected to do, as fandom creators generally and as smut and kink writers specifically.

PWP and filth for its own sake IS still a story and it IS still creative and imaginative. You put work into that. Writing smut and kink is not easy to do well. Be proud of what you write, whatever it is. Yeah, it's not gonna be for everyone, and that's how it should be. The world would be a boring fucking place if we all liked the exact same things, and anyone who's a dick to you because the stuff you write isn't perfectly suited to them?

Fuck 'em, they don't deserve your fic.

[mrawkweird]

Can you imagine being Ian James Quartly right now?

After finally getting your show off the ground, stuffing it with all the stuff you love including stuff from the very network you work with just to have the network pull the rug from underneath you at every turn.

Cutting down production on big special episodes like the Crossover Nexus that originally was meant to be a half hour cut down to 10 minutes.

Next to no advertising, shadow dropping episodes on their app no one really uses making the creator having to advertise on his own twitter

Being canceled and having to warp up the show so people still feel satisfied, and having the finale being labeled as a special and be packaged with a Teen Titans Go Rerun and then immediately pulled from syndication.

AND THEN after years of being over and done with to add insult to injury they WRITE YOUR SHOW OFF FOR TAXES and pull it from the biggest streaming platform it's available on along with any other trace of it on their social media

KO was legit the last all ages propertey that wasn't attached to some already exiting big franchise that I loved and I think I've been more cynical ever since I heard the news it getting canceled

Dude crossed over with Sonic The FUCKING Hedgehog before his movie brought him back into mass public relevance, shit was 100% made for me. So to have my favorite show on the my favorite network get shot in the knees, die and get buried just to have the network comeback to the grave years later, dig it up, and fucking cremate it for money alongside all the other bullshit the big wigs in charge have pulled it's not hard to think that industry is rigged against actual good content when they prefer the ones that they can pump out endlessly.

It's why I think Primal is so important, a show that could not have been made by a corporate board. A show with next to no dialogue, intense violence and long shots of just atmosphere and silence. It's why I'm glad Genndy was given the position to pretty much do whatever the fuck he wants. It's what I think every big creator deserves. Like if Rebecca Sugar wants to make another show (my personal feeling of Steven Universe aside) she should be allow to do whatever the hell she wants.

In the end the only "good" thing that came from this is reaffirming the era of Piracy

The level of disrespect that hit OK KO to me is honestly damn near unprecedented. Like, that was some DC Nation level disrespect. The only possibly higher level of disrespect would be Justice League Action disrespect.

That man Ian gave us a show that was built from love, care and THICC and he kept getting slapped in the face at every turn. OK KO Let's Be Heroes was the show for you if you basically had a childhood. It was the show that we the people, of many cultures, would want to do ourselves. It was a toy box with all your favorite action figures. Ian deserves to be rolling in zillion dollar bills for OK KO and instead they virtually gave him $20 and threw him a ditch.

No matter what they do they can't fucking erase this away from me.

Creators should be allowed to have control over their own vision if it's genuinely not hurting anybody. We've been getting nothing but quality from Primal and nobody stuck their hands in that. Even going as far as to withhold a real preview because Genndy wanted the episode to be experienced firsthand. People shouldn't have to keep fighting so hard for their visions to not only be realized but fucking protected from being erased at the whim of a company that can't be bothered to think outside themselves for one millisecond.

People can't tell me to not pirate shit all the while making my access to the content impossible. At that point you want people to steal it from you. And guess what? The streets are gonna do what the streets need to do just like they got their hands on the animatic for Genndy's unreleased Popeye film. Like, don't try and play dirty with the community because we stay grimy. They fucking put us there.

[theprideful]

I've been trying to ask this for some time actually, so here I go:

Is The Good Doctor good autistic representation? I'm afraid I might have used it when talking to my neurotypical parents about the different ''degrees'' of autism using dr. Shawn as an example when in reality he's a bad example. You're one of the only actually autistic people I can ask this to, even if it might seem a stupid question, but like... Is he good autistic representation?

Thanks for the attention anyways <3

(since this is about neurodivergence and a bit long, I'm going to bold and highlight some phrases here and there, because it makes it a little easier to read.)

so, is The Good Doctor good autism rep: in my opinion, no. are there autistic people like him in real life? absolutely. but is he a good, true reflection of what autism actually is? not really.

my problem with The Good Doctor is that it employs a lot of stereotypes, and whether or not they're "good" doesn't really change the fact that it enforces this really narrow idea of what autism is to allistics; white, cishet, nerdy male who is a genius savant and lacks social skills. autism is incredibly diverse and multifaceted, and anyone and everyone will experience it differently. so the fact that only stories like Shawn's are shown really limits our progress on combatting misinformation.

but it's not just that the show very heavily leans on stereotypes and lacks general creativity in portraying the neurotype, it's that it was really obvious how few- if any- actually autistic people were consulted. it feels like a production made for capitalizing on us without actually putting in the work to show us for who and what we really are. it honestly seems like they read a few articles online and watched "rain man" (which also has many of these same issues) and based their story off of that. it's hard to tell from a glance, but the more you look into it, the more you can see that it's just regurgitating the same narrative under a shinier lens and the guise of modernity and "wokeness." this specific story they decided to tell is quite unoriginal and reflects a very small percentage of us. that's not to say that none of us can relate or see ourselves in Shawn, but the most us can't - at least, not very often or consistently. (also, there is shown to be a strong link between autism and queerness, so it's strange that even in a time where psycho/neurological research and information is rising, the white cishet protagonist remains at the front and center of autism media.)

furthermore, some of the stereotypes and "traits" they used are not supported or even really experienced by the autistic community. for instance, his visualization of anatomical systems and functions in a hyper-realistic manner is not an autistic trait. sure, there are people on the spectrum with eidetic memories and incredibly vivid "inner-eyes", but again, only a small percentage of us have that, and it's not inherently an autistic trait. (Spencer Reid from Criminal Minds is another good example of this exact scenario.) this could, in theory, tie in with the trait of "detail-orientedness" that many of us experience. but it is likely a characteristic of an entirely different disorder or neurodivergency, which only furthers the idea that it was not researched in depth and the autism aspect was only meant to serve as a plot device to make him "interesting." i don't know about you, but i personally don't like the idea of only being allowed to exist as an autistic person if neurotypicals find me interesting or "plot-relevant."

as with the last statement, the same thing also applies to the "genius savant" stereotype. believe it or not, not many autistic people are actually savants in the quirky, brilliant way that hollywood likes to portray. we have our own skills, just like allistics. sometimes our autism "enhances" them or acts as an asset. but it's kind of a roll of the dice. the way i see it is, you can have red hair and be left-handed, but neither is an automatic, promised precursor for the other. you can be autistic and a good doctor or genius scientist, but one does not necessarily cause or even influence the other. again, in this story, it's not inherently an issue. but this narrative is pushed so much, all the time, that it's really starting to feel like it's the only way we'll be accepted. but also, it solidifies this concept of "two types of autistic people at 'opposite' ends of the spectrum," where Shawn is the "high-functioning genius" type. it's a really narrow definition and caricature of a really diverse group, and it limits the way we are perceived by allistics and neurotypicals.

sorry for the long response, but in conclusion, no, it's not really good representation because it only shows one very small fraction of autism and is not entirely accurate.

one good thing i will say, though, is that I do appreciate the writers revealing his traumatic past. many autistic people experience trauma and develop PTSD, depression, and anxiety (and possibly obsessive compulsions) because of lack of understanding, so it was refreshing to see some actual multidimensional backstory that is realistic to autistic people. anyway, overall it could've been better rendered and I think if the writers weren't afraid of losing the cherished white cis-het male protagonist trope and dramatization of neurodivergence in a way that they actually stopped describing that disorder*, it could've been a lot more realistic and actually relatable/applicable to real life.

*"disorder" does not apply to all autistic people. it is a label that individuals can use to describe themselves.

if any other autistic people have any thoughts, feel free to share! i'd love to hear your opinions as well

[obstinaterixatrix]

How do you know if you are aro? Because I think I might be. Ive had a few crushes before, but now that I think about it, I wasn't in love with them, I just thought that a relationship with them would be nice. When the opportunity to date them actually appeared I just. Felt really uncomfortable. Like I couldn't do it. I don't know if it was anxiety or smthing else. I used to think I was bisexual, because I found both men and women attractive, but at the end of the day I couldn't force myself to really want to date either.

can't really tell you how you can know if you're aro or not because that's a very big and very personal question. it might help to examine the discomfort you feel and deconstruct it. if this is anxiety, what is the anxiety about? is the anxiety about not being "worthy" of other people's positive attention? is the anxiety about not being able to live up to other people's expectations? is the anxiety about vulnerability? is the anxiety about not having a lifelong companion in an amatonormative society? is the anxiety about being fundamentally "wrong" by not experiencing emotions or relationships in the ways you see from the people around you? is the anxiety about "running out of time" to find a partner? is the anxiety specific to romantic relationships, or does it come up in platonic and familial relationships? is the anxiety about yourself, or about others? both? neither?

another note to make is that aesthetic attraction is distinct from romantic attraction, but can go hand in hand with sexual attraction. I got a pal who's aro & bi, so it's not necessarily a contradiction.

regardless, if it feels like you'd have to force yourself into a romantic relationship in order to be in a romantic relationship, then it's probably not the right time for a romantic relationship. yes, romantic relationships take work, and yes there can be uncomfortable/awkward aspects that are a natural feature of negotiating boundaries and allowing enough vulnerability to integrate another person in your life in a romantic context, but if feelings like "dread" are a large part of the discomfort then--whether or not you are or aren't aro--I have my doubts any romantic relationship would be a positive experience for you.

if it's any comfort I basically ID'd as Question Mark from late teens/early 20s before vaguely nestling into the aro label. there are times I still circle around and question it a little, but for the most part I'm comfortable with it since a lot of uncertainty about romantic attraction deals with hypothetical situations, unrealistic fantasies, and life logistics more than an actual concrete romantic relationship. I've generally been happier with the label than without it. if future me changes her mind that's not my problem and if anyone else implies that I might change my mind I will fucking murder them. all that to say, deciding you might be aro now doesn't close doors to accessing different parts of yourself in the future as long as you consider what's comfortable for you rather than what you Definitively Are.

if it's helpful, I've got my aromanticism tag and my personal aro ramble tag (though the latter is admittedly pretty sparse)