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yearningandpatheticaboutit · 2 years

Text

SPEAK FOR YOURSELF

CHAPTER 7: WHAT ARE YOU SO AFRAID OF?

warnings: flashback, death mention, drugs mention, idk anymore let me know if you think i should add more

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word count: 4442

A/N: Sorry for the long wait guys i just started my 2nd semester of uni and life has been ROUGH but aye here's the new chapter :D

***

Yaera

scratchy skin. i run my nails over it till brown becomes red and im bleeding all over my pyjammas. it doesn't hurt. not as much as i do.

surrounded by darkness, bawling my eyes out in silence. it feels like im paralysed, like i can't breathe. like its a chore to be alive.

"yaera?" a soft voice calls me. i know its not her. my heart wishes it was.

my mind tricks me. i feel her get onto my bed and put her warm hands over my open wound. it feels like a bandage, like im being healed but i know its not real.

it isnt real.

the soft pale light turns on beside my bed and i see her face. her deep brown doe eyes gentle with sadness. my sobs choke in my throat, threatening to go louder. i cant.

"im here, don't worry," she tells me and rubs my face. "he wont hurt you anymore."

"why'd it have to be you?" i ask her. "i wish it was me instead."

she frowns how i imagine she would if she were here. "dont say that. youre making me feel guilty."

"i cant do this, yasmine. i cant. no one here is you. they dont know me the way you do. i dont know if i can go on anymore."

"you have to," she sadly smiles. "im still here."

but she wasnt. and it was hard to accept that.

there are people in this world who you can show your worst self, your best self, and the your most vulnerable self. the self that cries when feeling any kind of emotion. the kind who feels overwhelmed all the time.

yasmine was my person. shes gone now.

but my brain wont let me forget it. it wont let me forget anything.

"what the heck, whats wrong?" she asked when she found me sobbing into my knees under my window pane. she bent down next to me, immediately pulling my head onto her shoulder.

she wouldnt get it. i couldnt explain it. the way he kept making me feel powerless in a house full of people. so alone. so afraid. the touches started off like nothing, a fleeting thought, it was easy to brush off.

not anymore.

"c'mon, yae. you can tell me. was jongho mean to you again?" she asked innocently. cluelessly. "i will speak to him for real this time. he always thinks being mean as a joke is cute but–"

i wanted to tell her. maybe i should have. i told her everything. why couldnt i tell her? she was all i had. i should have told her.

"Mr and Mrs Marino. We need you to come in to the police station. A body was found–"

***

San

Y: I can't make it for lunch today, sorry. I'll just come by to let you know the news.

I adjust my glasses as I eye the message and the time on my screen. I can barely read it because of the cracks but end up getting the gist of it.

I sigh and close my chemistry notes. I guess she's done with her shoot then. Woo is passed out on my bed, for some reason the asshole decided to stay here.

What am I going to do with him here? I guess I'll have to talk to her outside. It doesn't sound like she'll stay long anyway.

At four thirty in the afternoon Yaera knocks on my door. I make sure to squeeze through the gap when I open the door, closing it behind me quickly so she doesn't see inside.

She gives me a suspicious look but doesn't say anything. She looks different. Maybe its the dark red curls that are spilling down her back that look so out of place compared to the thick hoodie and pants she's wearing.

"Hey," she greets, sounding off. "I won't be sleeping over, don't worry. I just came to say today went well."

Went well? It sounds like she'd rather be anywhere but here.

"I gave the pills out to three of my model friends. If all goes well, they'll want more by this weekend. I told them to give me a call."

"What if this doesn't work?" I ask skeptically. After all, models doing drugs so freely can't be a good thing.

"It will," she assures me, too sure. "And if it doesn't, I always have a back up plan."

She always has everything so figured out, doesn't she? I can't help but be wary of her. There's something about people like Yaera. People who act so calm and nonchalant about doing and going through problematic things. They're usually ticking time bombs on the inside.

"I want to talk about money," she says suddenly. "I know I said twenty percent but I need thirty."

I widen my eyes. No way she's asking for that much. "Thirty? What?"

She narrows her eyes, completely on edge. "What? Do you have a problem with that?"

"I'm just trying to figure out where this is coming from. What makes you think you're entitled to 30%? I know you gave me all your savings but—"

"Fine!" She bursts out, making me drop silent. "Do you want more then? I can get you more money. I can pay off how much you owe, how much that Yunho guy owes–it doesn't fucking matter to me. I just need to leave here. I need to get the fuck out."

Something happened. Her voice tells me all. Its full of anger, desperation and frustration. She's looking at me like she wants to kill me but at the same time her eyes are glossy.

I might be an anti-social loser but I can tell when someone's about to cry.

"Can you fucking answer me?" She tightly asks.

"Did your parents say something to you? Is that why you're so out of it?" I ask warily. Wrong move, San. Completely dumb fucking move.

She laughs, its a bitter, miserable laugh that leaves me more confused. Its the exact same one from before, when she figured out I knew about her dead sister.

"Don't ask me stupid questions like you're my therapist or something," she snaps at me. "And I am not out of it. You're just refusing to be straight up with me."

"You're not out of it? Then why are you acting defensive?" I snap back. "Be honest with me on why I should give you more money. Its so obvious this is more than getting away from your family. You're running from something."

My temper is at bay because I can clearly tell something's wrong, but I know she's dodging me. Her eyes start tearing and it immediately makes me feel terrible but I can't help it. She's not being honest.

"I'll help you, Yaera. Just be honest with me. What are you so afraid of?"

"Fuck you!" She shouts through her sobs, shoving me in the chest. "Fuck you, Choi San. Why the fuck should I explain myself to you when I don't even know why you're selling drugs or in a gang? Huh? Why the fuck should I be honest? Go to Hell."

Anyone who sees us will assume we're going through an awful break up. Yaera's entire face is red and drenched with tears and I'm standing without a clue of what's going on or what to do. She gives me a sarcastic look when I fail to answer her.

She sniffles, trying to collect herself as she shakes her head. "That's what I thought. Fuck this."

Yaera leaves down the hall and doesn't look back at me once, and I'm not sure what it means at all. All I know is something is wrong. Is it the memories of her sister? Her parents? I don't know.

I try not to think about it for the rest of the day, but fail miserably.

***

Yaera

For the rest of the weekend, San tries to reach me. I'm an asshole, I watch as his messages come and go, each one getting deleted after each other. I don't think he's tech savvy enough to know I can still see the receipt after they're deleted.

A small part of me is happy, even a little girlish to think that San, in our hot and cold dynamic, has decided to pull the rope and chase me. The more sane, rational part of me is embarrassed.

So, so embarrassed.

The sickening feeling doesn't leave me all weekend. It grows with every day that passes, because I know I've made San confused and feel like shit. He doesn't know why I freaked out, why I ignored him and I don't know if I'll ever be able to get the words out.

I'm too fucking scared.

The thought of it alone leaves me feeling cold and isolated from everyone else, knowing no one around would understand, or care. The awful fear of feeling like a cornered animal, so unprotected, so lost and wanting to rip off my own skin because it feels tainted.

How do I say that to a guy I'm blackmailing for money? Someone who has a horde of problems of his own. My brain has been feeding me awful scenarios all weekend. Its part of the reason I can't face San.

With every day that passes, Saturday grows closer. My parents are running around organizing fits and lifts for the gala, where their collection will be showcased before it hits the market. I'm nauseous knowing that I won't be able to get out of it. Why?

1. Because I gave San my word I would sell his drugs.

2. Because I'm being shown off at this stupid event.

3. Because Santo will be there, waiting.

I thought of lying about contracting a virus. I even hoped San would message me Sunday night saying there would be more thugs to deal with. I hoped that we'd go out and that I'd get stabbed, end up in the hospital and have to miss that gala entirely.

I try coming up with solutions to dull the utter sense of panic in my bones. Most people don't know how far I'll go to escape my fears. I'm very good at being a coward.

My brain tells me, maybe if I don't show up enough, just maybe Santo will drop me and my parents will disown me. Maybe if I cling to my father all night, Santo won't get the chance to corner me. But knowing my family, they'll have no problem throwing me to the wolves.

When Monday rolls around, I'm in the parking lot against a wall waiting for San to come but he never does. No one comes by, the parking lot is empty that morning and I am all alone.

I look at San's chat on my phone and feel like sobbing. I'm so pathetic really. I don't know why I'm such a loser. Why am I so emotional all of a sudden about apologizing. Its not like we're dating.

I'm so embarrassed by all I said that I texted him good luck on his test today and he read it with no reply. Karma, I think. I ignored him all weekend and he's just returning the favour.

This is ruining my life. I shouldn't care, right? All I should care about is my money and running away. I shouldn't care about fixing things with a guy I barely know.

What if Santo leaves me alone because I'm with San?

That thought is dangerous. Not only that, it bothers me all morning because of its openness. There's only two ways he can react.

Santo can back off when he realizes I'm with someone my own age and not interested in getting groomed OR he can get super possessive and probably get San thrown in jail for some obscure and non real reason.

But the chance he could leave me alone forever is enough for me to hang onto hope. I'm on my way to biology with this hope in my heart, hoping I'll see San and he won't look at me like I'm some ugly bug.

Unfortunately when I get to biology, Mrs Evans gives me a tight smile. "Miss Marino, how delighted to actually have you in class today."

I completely forgot about her. And it seems like she's aware I skipped her period last week. "Uh, good morning ma'am," I greet awkwardly.

Quick. Think of a good lie.

"You know Miss Ella is back in school, right? I'm sure you don't want to see her so soon again," she says to me, vaguely threatening as she eyes my hair. "I should send you there for your unnatural hair colour, but I'll let it slide if you tell me you've made the effort to get a tutor."

"I..."

I sigh. Another thing I completely forgot about. I need to care about school if I want to graduate, but my life is so shit right now its taking everything out of me to not shower with a toaster.

"Mrs Evans?" A voice speaks. I feel my stomach flutter. I look behind me and San is standing there.

He's looking right at me with that unreadable, dark and mellow expression on his handsome yet cold face. He looks so pretty with his long hair and glasses, but my admiration hits an abrupt block when he looks away suddenly, no warmth present on his face.

"Yes, San?" Mrs Evans voice automatically softens. He must have that effect on everyone.

"Yaera and I came to an agreement. I will tutor her."

I can't think straight. What is he doing? I can never tell what he's thinking.

"Oh," even Mrs Evans is surprised. "Uh well, I'm happy you changed your mind. Hopefully Yaera can actually listen to you."

I sit through class without a single coherent thought in my brain. I sneak looks at San, thinking of what to say to him once we get time alone. I should apologize for losing it. I was weak, I nearly crumbled infront of him.

It can't happen again. It just can't.

So when class ends, I plan to go after him. San leaves first, showing no signs of waiting for me. He goes to the abandoned stairwell as per usual, and I'm about to make my presence known but stop when I hear his pissed off tone.

"Woo, I fucking told you don't call me at school, you asshole," San turns into Count Dracula and hisses into the speaker. "No you don't get it, you dropped out, I didn't."

"I told you I have a test today!"

"No, I'll be writing it during school hours. You don't have to pick me up from school, I'll meet you at my apartment."

His voice significantly quiets down, and by now I know he's not talking to a relative. At least not his close family.

Actually, San doesn't strike me as the type to talk to any member of his family like that at all. Which means this is obviously 105ths related.

"No, Woo, don't bring a fucking gun do you want those people to kill us?!" San groans as softly as he can.

So San is definetely going somewhere after school today. Which means I'm going somewhere. Great.

"I'm telling you it's a bad idea! We just need to knock out that asshole and go. Do you want this shit to turn into a shootout? Get real."

San hangs up and roughly tosses his bag to the ground, I hear the harsh landing from around the wall. I decide to wait a few minutes before building up the courage to show myself.

His handsome yet scowling face drops when he sees me, his expression awkward and taken aback.

"Hey," I break the ice. "I just wanted to say thanks."

"For?" He sounds genuinely clueless. Is his memory that bad?

"For covering for me. In Bio."

"I wasn't covering. I figured I could use the extra credit," he says, slightly cold. "So just say when you're available and I'll bring my books."

I'm dumbstruck. San is actually going to tutor me. If I'm already struggling to focus I wonder how hard I'm going to fight now.

"Oh, okay," I say dumbly. I can barely meet his eyes after Saturday. I hear my own cracking voice screaming at him between tears and it makes me cringe.

"I'm sorry," I say with difficulty. "For what happened on Saturday...it was uncalled for. I wasn't myself. So yeah, sorry."

San is quiet, looking at me like he's reading a book he doesn't understand.

He nods. "Okay. Can you explain what happened?"

I blink dumbly. "What?"

"Tell me why you freaked out and showed up to my place on edge. What happened at that shoot?"

My skin heats up and I feel like scratching. I struggle to hold his gaze and its embarrassing. He wasnt supposed to question me. Hes not following the script I wrote up in my head.

"I..."

"I can still give you the money," he tells me. "If you really need thirty percent, I'll give it to you. It cuts our deal shorter. You'll be able to get your money faster and this partnership won't have to last all year. But just tell me why."

I'm vaguely annoyed that I'm being pushed and still Ive received nothing. I know I barely know San for a week, but why am I the only one having to be honest here?

Crumbs, my brain suggests. I should give him crumbs, then he wont bother next time.

"I had a bad day," I admit with difficulty. Fucking understatement. "My parents and...everything. It was overwhelming for me. My sister used to do this, and she was a natural. And now that I do it...it feels like I'm being forced to take her place."

"Is that all?" San asks suspiciously, as if he knows I'm holding something back. Fuck, hes so smart I hate him.

Time to make him regret asking at all.

"I had a panic attack," I continue. "Lots of people dont know this, but my parents are awful people. They made my sister do inappropriate shoots when she was just a kid. Then when she died they did the same thing to me. Lingerie, fucking weird ass outfits that didnt belong on the body of a sixteen year old girl.

"It was never a problem back then because all the shoots are published now. All the pictures my parents post of me are two years old. They still make me do weird shit, but I'm not a minor now, so its okay, I guess. I know it doesnt sound like a big deal, but I really hate being forced to show my body and its just...very...it makes me..."

I dont finish because I find myself getting genuinely upset. I take a deep breath and look at the ground, swallowing hard. This fucking sucks, San is pitying me in his head, I can feel it.

"You didnt deserve that," he says quietly. "You should be running then."

He doesnt know the half of it. But a part of me is happy Im hearing those words. And from a man who appears like he cares about nothing. Maybe hes not that bad.

"Thanks for understanding. Can we talk about you now?"

San nods. This is weird. We're being civil.

"What happened after you visited your boss? What did she say?"

"Uh...mmmm."

San shrugs and crosses his arms. "Uh, she didnt say much. We dont have to worry about it. Its out of my hands."

"What?" I frown. It didnt sound like that on the phone at all. "So she really let you off?"

San nods with his lips in a firm line. This bastard is lying to me.

Really? After everything? I hide my volatile feelings with a soft hum.

"That's crazy. How are they letting you off so easily for losing 7k and yet they made you eat a cigarette for not delivering 10?" I question.

San shrugs again, not doing a good job at covering for himself. But why is he lying. After our last conversation I thought he'd know better.

"I guess Yunho is taken care of then. I can't say for sure."

"Do you have plans tonight then?" I test. "I think we should have a tutoring session at your place."

San grimaces. Go ahead, asshole. Lie through your teeth.

"I can't actually. I have to go somewhere. It's not gang related."

"Oh really? Is it family related then?"

"I don't have to tell you that," San shoots me down ungracefully, if I was shocked I would gasp.

I just told him why I need more money, and he responds like this. I want to laugh so hard. He's such a hypocrite.

"That came out the wrong way," he sighs when he sees my face. "Yes, it is family related. I have to do something with my cousin, that's all. I can come by tomorrow though."

I force a smile. "No, don't worry about it. Good luck with your family."

I walk away to hide my fuming. San has chosen to lie to me, its evident. He's going to help his 'cousin' who suspiciously has a gun. He must think I'm a fucking moron.

I wonder what his rationale is this time. Either way, it's going to piss me off. Shit, I'm already pissed. Because clearly he doesn't respect or take me seriously. It's like everytime I think I'm breaking through a layer with him, he brings up a worse, even more piece of shit layer.

And he's unashamed about it either. I just know when I confront him about lying, he'll be the most angry person. But I don't care, I'll be ready then. I didn't give him my fucking savings just for him to leave me out of the loop and toss me aside with a shitty lie.

When lunch rolls around, I'm on my way to the stairwell when I'm nearly knocked over by the horde of soccer players just forcing themselves through the halls. They have to move like a herd for some reason and trample everyone in their path. I'm forced against the lockers on the floor, my eyes widening when I spot a brand new pair of expensive Nike soccer boots on one of our star players.

I smile to myself, watching his blonde head of hair disappear around the hallway. I bet those shoes must have costed a fortune. It probably sells well too.

My temptations are halted for the time being. I do need money, month end is two weeks away and San isn't showing signs of being a very cooperative partner. If he's hiding things from me, I might as well hold onto my methods of self-preservation.

***

The day ends and I see San sneaking through the parking lot this time. He doesn't know I'm watching him, but he definitely knows he's being watched. The paranoid asshole tosses suspicious glances over his shoulder every five seconds as he leaves the driveway.

My parents pick me up as usual, though this time my father is a lone ranger. We barely talk as expected, he asks me what I did in school, I tell him "the usual" and we move on with The Beatles blasting in the car.

"Where's mom?" I ask when we get home, noting the very peaceful silence is something out of the ordinary.

"Your mother is at one of the boutiques doing checks and balances," my father blandly responds, walking up the stairs. "I'm going to take a nap. There are bread rolls in the fridge."

I smirk to myself, that means I don't even have to lie. My opening is wide enough. I immediately go up to my room and slide out of my school uniform, putting on rather... inconspicuous clothes.

A black hoodie and navy sweatpants with shoes fit to run in. I'm thinking of a weapon to carry with me, but all I have is a tiny pocket knife. Hopefully I don't have to use it.

I check my phone and roll my eyes when I see his name in my notification bar.

Sannie~: Sorry, I only saw this message now. Thanks

You... asshole. You know I can see when I'm being left on read, right? I almost want to say it but I take a deep breath. You are not crazy. Don't act crazy. It doesn't matter if he's only responding to my good luck message only now.

I scowl and type a message back.

me: Hope everything with your cousin goes well.

San immediately reads it, and he types back for a long while. The message never comes through because he stops. Yeah, can't come up with more lies, can you?

I tighten the strings of my hoodie and get out of my house, catching the bus to his apartment.

This is the only way to see who he actually is. I've discovered him before by following him once, and then I found out the truth. Now I'm going to find out why exactly he lied to me, since healthy communication is clearly not on the table.

I don't plan on going inside, instead I find a spot nearby and just wait for him to leave. I know he's going somewhere, there was a mention of guns and some person named Woo, so I suppose he's the partner for tonight.

For about five minutes, nothing happens. I keep checking my phone and San's online status is inconsistent. He comes on every few seconds, probably checking for any updates from this person. When the sixth minute hits, a black Ford transit van rolls up infront of San's apartment building.

The windows are tinted, so I miss whoever's in the driver seat. San comes down a few minutes later, dressed in a classic hostile outfit. He has a mask over the bottom half of his face and pulls open the door of the van... and of course, he has his crowbar in hand.

I catch a glimpse of the inside of the van before San violently slams the door shut. It's empty. Just before they drive off, I end up stopping a cab by sliding over the bonnet. The driver stares at me like I'm insane, about to shout obscenities but I toss a 300 bill his way and slide in the back.

"You see that van? I need you to follow it," I order. The van is halfway down the road when the driver steps on the gas and we push forward.

#ateez angst #ateez imagines #choi san angst #ateez fanfic #ateez fic #ateez scenarios #choi san #choi san fluff #san angst #gang au #ateez ot8

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bridgyrose · 3 years

Note

The Knight Ruby Rose sustained a life threatening wound. Only the feared witch Cinder Fall could heal her but it's a lengthy process. As the healing occurred, Cinder butters up to Ruby, offering the Knight a place by her side as her partner... and lover...

Cinder sighed and pushed Ruby back down onto the bed, jabbing a small needle into the girl. “You need to keep resting.”

Ruby frowned and winced as she felt the needle in her arm. “And I said I was fine. I need to get out there and defend the kingdom-”

“The only thing you need to do is sleep.” Cinder walked away from Ruby, grabbing a few herbs to crush. “You’re lucky that arrow missed your heart.”

Ruby sighed and laid back down, looking up at the ceiling of the hut. “How… how much longer am I going to have to stay here?”

“However long it takes for that wound to heal. I havent seen magic like that in years.”

“So, no chance of leaving in a few days then?”

“Could be days, could be months, maybe even years.” Cinder looked up from her pestle and mortar, grabbing a bit of honey and water. “What is it with you knights and wanting to get out into battle all the time? A healthy dose of fear might keep you all alive…”

“Are all witches like you? Nagging and-” Ruby quit speaking as she felt her voice leave her throat, hesitating as she gently felt it.

“You better watch your tongue, knight,” replied Cinder, glaring at the young knight. “There’s a reason your kingdom fears me, and I have no problem showing you why. Now, if I give you your voice back, will you behave?”

Ruby silently nodded.

“Good.” Cinder waved her hands in a few gestures, muttering a few words under her breath. “Speak.”

“I… I’m sorry.” Ruby slumped in her bed, letting out a heavy sigh. “I’m tired of lying around. That's all I’ve been doing for a week.”

“You should’ve thought about that before getting shot.”

“If I hadnt gotten in the way, then Weiss-”

“Yes, yes, your precious mage would be dead, I know.” Cinder moved her hair out of her eyes for a moment before going back to work on her healing salve. “Is that really all you care about? Throwing your life away for a woman who doesnt acknowledge you and a kingdom that will replace you?”

Ruby went silent, taking in Cinder’s words. There was a bit of truth to it all: Weiss never did acknowledge the feelings that Ruby had for her, and even her kingdom was willing to send her on the front lines to slay the grimm that terrorized the villages.

Cinder walked over to Ruby, taking the salve and rubbing it on the wound. “Honestly, I dont get what you see in her. She’s frigid, she never gives you the time of day-”

“I get it… you arent fond of her.”

“I’m not fond of anyone. That’s what happens when you’re beaten for accidentally killing a friend.”

Ruby paused for a moment. “You… killed your friend?”

“Like I said, it was an accident.” Cinder sat the bowl down and started changing Ruby’s bandages. “I was orphaned and taken in by a stranger. I never knew where I came from or what kind of abilities I’d have. The day I found out I had magic, was the same day I accidentally hurt my best friend. We… had a fight. Sure, we were just kids, but words were said that can never be taken back. Then, I felt a power rising inside of me. It made me feel… like I could do anything. A few words raced through my mind and I spoke them aloud. Next thing I remember was smoke coming from my fingertips and my friend was burned. She lived for another three days until she couldnt anymore. The village took me to the local knights and had me beat for killing with magic.”

“I… I didnt know…”

“I didnt expect you to. You know just as well as I do that in your kingdom, magic is feared. Yet, there are still a few who are allowed to study those arts as long as they serve the king. And those of us who are never given the chance have to find our own way to live in this world. And some of us gain reputations for protecting ourselves.”

Ruby slowly nodded and put a hand on Cinder’s. “Maybe I can put in a word for you to become a royal healer-”

“I cant.” Cinder finished with Ruby’s bandages and went outside to tend her flowers. “Now rest so the salve can do its work.”

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ruby aimed her bow at a nearby rabbit, wincing as she drew an arrow back. She had been resting and healing for almost a month, and she still couldnt fight. She slowly lowered her bow and sighed, falling onto her back and looking up at the sky.

“I told you that you’d have to wait a while longer.” Cinder walked over, setting down a basket next to Ruby. “Eat.”

Ruby sighed and picked up one of the fruits. “And how much longer is that?”

“Judging by the scarring on your chest, I’d say about another week. Then, you can go back to the kingdom and start fighting again.”

“And… if I dont want to?”

Cinder looked at her curiously. “And why wouldnt you? Afterall, didnt you say that your battalion is useless without you leading them?”

“They are, but it seems like they’re moving on with another leader.”

“So, what? You’re going to retire?”

“Retire from being a knight, maybe. But I’m thinking about becoming a mercenary now. Maybe stick around here a while longer.”

Cinder smirked a bit, sitting down next to Ruby. “Finally taking up my offer on helping me, are you?”

“Finally taking up your offer on being by your side.” Ruby laid back down, taking a bite of the fruit in her hand as she looked up to the sky. “Maybe you’re right and there’s more to life than being a knight for a king. And maybe you can show me all the places you’ve been.”

“Stick around me for too long, and people will start fearing you the same way they fear me.”

“Then let them. I still have my friends, and I have you.”

#rwby #ruby rose #rwby ruby rose #cinder fall #drabbles #knight au #cinder x ruby #fallen petals

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cd-head · 3 years

Text

As fragile as glass

TW: Blood (its barely mentioned but ts just in case), crying, abuse, beer, scars

Characters: Xisuma, Beef (Minor, mostly just mentioned), Etho, and Stress

This is a AU I made, everyone has superpowers and such, I know typical, suck it (/lh /j), Beef has nature powers, Etho has ice powers, Xisuma has mind power stuff (idk the word and im to tired to look it up), and Stress has healing powers

Etho is six, so is Beef but I dunno if that is really needed to know. Stress is 11 and Xisuma is 23

- Keep warnings in mind -

----

As fragile as glass he was told he was.

A simple push could cause the whole world to shake as he fell apart. Small pieces laying on the ground remaining of what he used to be. Scars that dared to litter his body and mind deep into itself.

A monster he was called so a monster he shall be, baring his teeth to protect himself and hiding away to keep his memories and peace to himself. As frost covered his body, littering himself in the ice of his own lost mind.

For the silence and loneliness was unbarble but the forgotten boy wouldnt mind. Staying quiet to himself, few to no friends to his name, scars digging deep into his bones and skin reminstic of what he was.

Frosty white hair that fit his face perfectly, as a flower would a stem. Pale white skin that looked like snow that youd see littered out on your lawn, fragile and yet strong and persistent. A thin mask that hid the horrors of the scars of his face, always reminding him of the pain that he had bore once and wished to never live through again.

A small tap would be all it would take to break him, thats what everyone would think of him so they kept his distance from the glass man. The boy did not mind, for even if others would speak to him, his voice was a soft whisper that flooded out and was lost to the sea. Like a soft ticking of a clock that you only will hear if you focus hard enough.

For the boy himself did not mind being ignored, in fact, he found it peaceful.

Least thats what he told himself, but the bruises on his body begged for someone to see them. The bags under his eyes cried out for a rest, that was no closer than he wished. The redness of his eyes and the strikes on his face curled up in a corner, wishing to go unnoticed and yet reaching out a hand to anyone close enough.

He needed help though the boy would never admit it while the fighting at home would ring out like a sirens call, the boy sat quietly on his bed while watching the stars twinkle in the skys as the moon played him a special melody just for him, distracting him from the tears that pooled from his eyes and the pain radiating in his side.

For while those mismatched eyes stared out to the night sky, watching and listening to the night music that blocked out the sound of the horrors around him.

That night, the frost boy dreamed of a man. A man with kind purple eyes and black hair that would save him from the nightmare he had everyday that was inescapable. For when the boy tugged up his mask, barely paying mind to the broken glass on the floor other than to avoid.

The frost boy tugged on his vest but before he could leave, a rough hand landed on his shoulder. Not caring that the small boy tensed up and snow was now appearing on their fingers, the person leaned down and a gruff unloving voice filled the young boys ears. “Get your fucking shit packed up Etho.”

His hand didnt leave so the masked boy nodded, relishing when the touch left and the boy made their way to their room. Packing what little he had and not bothering to remove the frost from him.

Etho, that was the boys name, the name he heard a teacher say but it was said normally so kindly that the forst boy would not flinch, the name that the other little boy who had kind brown eyes and fluffy brown hair would call him so friendly. He would only flinch at the name when it left that old mans mouth, knowing that no good would come from the man.

He trailed away from his thoughts about his father to his best friend, or well, his only friend. The ice boy was the only one who didnt mind the bloodied apron and never questioned where the blood was from, instead, he choose to look into that boy and they became close friends.

He wondered if the kind boy would be at wherever he was going as he flooded his clothing and closed the bag he had, he carefully reached up and tugged his old ripped up plushie to his chest. Hunger screamed in his stomach and he ignored it as he nuzzled his head into the rough fabric of the toy.

A loud ringing noise rang out through the small apartment and Etho’s hands rushed up to cover his ears. Loud noises never mixed well with the young ice master before he quickly picked up the old toy that he had dropped and pulled on the backpack and shuffled over to where his bed was and lifted himself up onto it. Waiting to be called out.

At the door, stood a man with purple eyes and scars lining his face but unlike the boy, he did not hide the scars that mixed into his gray skin. His black hair pulled back into a small ponytail and a young lady stood at his side with her arms crossed and a small frown framing her normally friendly features, her light brown hair pulled up into a ponytail and her brown eyes held hatred for the old beer smelling man in front of him.

The beer smelling man was going on a rant about how he was so sorry about letting his ‘precious baby boy’ go.

Xisuma saw through the act, and as he could guess by the bitter glare Stress was giving the horrid man, she did as well.

But he didnt have to make a move as the girl did before he could. “Where is Etho.” She choose to ignore how the man finally lit up a bit at remembering that he was getting rid of the boy at last. She choose to ignore how the fridge was open and there was only beer and food that a six-year-old should not eat.

She ignored it as she walked past the old man and her guardian to move where the man had gestured to a frosted covered door. She carefully wiped off the soft fuzzy ice from the door handle that melted from her body heat almost right away and gently knocked, waiting for a reply.

Stress could just barely make out the sound but she heard a soft - “come in” fill her ears. So the woman turned the handle and walked inside, she paid no mind to how cold it was in the ice covered room and instead focused on the small boy who was swaying his feet.

His strachy white hair no where close to the mans dark gray hair, his eyes were different perfect colors, his right one a light brown color and the left one that had that long scar over it was tinted red, as if it had abrosed blood and took it in to give itself vision once more. He was wearing fingerless gloves and she could see that the tips of his fingers were a light blue.

She kneeled in front of the young boy and gave him a gentle smile, one the boy would remember for years past and forever thankfully of. “Hello there... My names Stress, you must be Etho?” At the small nod that the boy gave her, her smile grew more warm and welcoming that it had the damaged boy shuffling a bit closer to feel the safety she seemed to give off.

“You wanna come with me?” Stress asked gently, holding out her hand but she stayed still other than that. Not forcing Etho to make a action, she was pleasantly surprised when a freezing cold hand rested in hers and clung desperately, as if terrified she’d go if he let go. “yes please...”

Stress carefully sat up and pulled the boy with her, letting him get used to being on his feet and she led the way out of the frozen room. She took note of how light and underweight the boy was and she pushed past the disgusting man and looked to Xisuma who gave her a short smile and the three left without saying anymore.

But surprisingly enough, a small voice broke the pleasant silence. “is beef gonna be where im going?”

Xisuma gave him a small smile and Stress came to a stop while X moved around and kneeled down in front of the young boy and he placed his hand ontop of the soft curly white hair. His heart hurt a bit when the boy flinched but it was repaired quickly when Etho leaned into the friendly touch. “Yeah kid... hes waiting for you at the house right now, as well as all of your new family.”

And thats all the boy needed to hear before his dull eyes lit up.

And somehow,

Just somehow.

The boy knew,

These people were safe.

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stargazing-dreamer-girl · 4 years

Text

Nothing Breaks Like a Heart

Fandom: Riverdale

Pairing: Jughead Jones x reader

Word Count: ~1.6k

Warnings: This is angsty, people. Heartbreak ahead.

Requested: Yes - Prompt 23, 18, 6, and 4? For Jughead? He joins the serpents and doesn't want you to get involved or hurt so he foes the only thing he could so to protect you. He makes you hate him. All in all he still loves you just has to end the relationship because if he lost you...he wouldnt know what hed do. - by @megafandomsxassemble

Part 2

Gif’s not mine

It was the fifth day you hadn’t heard anything from Jughead. Your calls were left unanswered, your texts left on read. And you were starting to get worried.

You had never known Jughead to ignore you like that. Sometimes a day went by when he didn’t reply to your texts. Those were usually days when he was so focused on his writing that everything around him was fading out. Then you would get a call from him in the middle of the night when he had snapped out of it and noticed how late it had gotten already. He would apologize and tell you he loved you and you would say it back because you loved his quirky side and his writing and his ambitions. You had never worried on those days.

But now, as the sun went down on the fifth day without hearing anything from him, your mind was filled with worry like it had never before. Once again you picked up your phone and dialed his number, the familiar ringing sound filling your head as you brought your hand up to anxiously bite your nails. It was a bad habit, you knew, but you couldn’t help it in this situation.

You had already asked Archie, if he knew where you could find Jughead. You had even approached Betty whose obvious crush on Jughead always made you squirmy, but neither of them knew anything either.

Your relationship had changed ever since he started attending South Side High. Whenever you asked him about the new school and his South Side life he avoided your questions. You didn’t want to pry and make him talk about something he was uncomfortable with sharing, but now you wished you had because maybe it would explain why your boyfriend of over a year seemed to avoid you.

Tonight was supposed to be your date night and you didn’t even know if he’d show up, so you didn’t bother getting ready. Instead you opted for sweatpants and a shirt that was too big on you. You tried your hardest to get comfortable on the couch in your living room but kept glancing at your phone not being able to stop worrying about him.

Of course, he was his own person and could do what he wanted, but you loved him and as far as you knew he loved you too, so he should talk to you if anything was bothering him, right?

You turned on the TV and put the first thing on you saw, but you couldn’t focus on it. It slipped into the background as your mind kept circling around Jughead. Maybe you should go to the police and file a missing person’s report. You had no idea where exactly he was living at the moment. He never wanted you to come to the South Side. Otherwise you would’ve checked there. Not knowing anything made you crazy.

You jolted up when there was a knock on the front door. You didn’t want to get your hopes up. It could be anyone, but a little voice in your head whispered to you that it was the person you had been waiting for all this time there in front of your door. Quickly, you made your way over to the door and opened it.

When you saw your beanie-wearing idiot of a boyfriend standing there you rushed forward to put your arms around him.

“I was so worried about you,” you mumbled into his shirt, all the built-up tension leaving your body.

He put his arms around you in a sense of urgency and pressed your body closer against his. His nose buried itself into your hair, inhaling your familiar scent.

When you pulled away to look at him he wanted to protest, he wanted this moment to last longer, last forever, but he let it happen because he also wanted to look at your face once more and remember all its small details.

“Where have you been? Why haven’t you answered any of my calls and texts?” You bombarded him with your questions as you pulled him inside the house and had him sit down in the living room. “Nobody knew anything about your whereabouts? Do you know how many times I imagined your body lying dead in the woods somewhere?”

He was quiet while you paced back and forth questions still spilling from your mouth.

When you finally got it all out you looked at him expectantly with your hands on your hips. “So?”

“Maybe you should sit down, Y/N.” It was the first thing he said to you to which your eyes got wide, but you complied and sat back down on the couch you had already occupied all evening. You moved aside the blanket you had carelessly thrown down when you went to answer the door.

Jughead pulled the beanie off his head and ran his fingers through his hair. This was harder than he had hoped. He couldn’t even get himself to look at you anymore, but he knew exactly what he would see. You would be sitting cross-legged on the couch, your hands in your lap and you would stare at him with big, curious eyes. And he couldn’t look at that, at you, while saying what he did next.

“I think we need to break up.”

You were quiet, didn’t move, so he finally looked up to see if you had heard him.

You didn’t say a sword as you stared at your intertwined hands. From his spot on the chair he could see that they were shaking. Your whole body was as you were trying not to spill the tears that were forming in your eyes.

“Y/N, I-“ He didn’t know what to say next, might have even backed out if you hadn’t interrupted him. “So, that’s it? It’s over?” Your voice was shaky. It was hard to say anything since your throat felt like it was closing off.

“It’s not you, Y/N! It’s-“ “Don’t finish that sentence!” You lost the fight of holding your tears in, so they started to roll down your face, but it barely bothered you. “We used to make fun of people who said that, called it uncreative and insincere. You never struck me as that kind of person, so why, Jug? I thought you loved me. Why are you breaking up with me?” You grew desperate.

He hated it when you cried. All he wanted to do was pull you into a hug and whisper into your ear that everything would be alright, but he couldn’t do that now. He had to repeat it in his head again and again. He did this to protect you. He could not give in.

“I don’t love you anymore. I’m with somebody else.”

That statement was like a punch to the gut. It stole all the air from your lungs, made it hard to breath. It left a bad feeling in your stomach and you felt like you were about to throw up.

“Please, don’t hurt me like this,” you begged as you looked up into his face, but he was stern. His eyes looked straight into yours when he repeated himself.

“I love her. More than I have ever loved you. You cannot compare.”

Jughead’s heart broke as he uttered those sentences and saw you like that. He heard you wince which tore at his heart even more, but he had to do that. You weren’t safe by his side. He was a Serpent now and he needed to protect you from that life. It was dangerous and he could never live with himself if he were the one who put you in a position where any harm might befall you.

“Leave my house, Jughead!” You ordered in the calmest voice you could muster. Not just were you broken, sad and hurting. You were angry, furious. With him, with yourself, with the world.

You got up when he didn’t move and just stared at you.

“Go! Leave my fucking house!” You stood pointing at the door for a moment, but all the composure left you as you broke down right then and there. You were lying on the floor, curled up, staring straight ahead at the couch. The tears were still streaming from your eyes. They fell onto the carpet where a dark spot began to form.

After a few seconds you heard him get up and take a few steps, before he hesitated, but then made his way over to the door and left your house, left your life. The screams you let out were agonizing. Jughead who was stopped right after closing the door behind him could still hear them.

And he finally didn’t have to hide his emotions anymore as he slid to the ground against your front door and let the tears fall. You would be safe and didn’t have to worry about him anymore. He tried to convince himself that he had made the right decision but feeling that ache in his heart and hearing your pitiful cries made him not so sure of it.

But he couldn’t go back. You would probably never take him back even if he wanted to. Which was his plan, but he couldn’t help the regret nagging at him.

He couldn’t stay at your house any longer, so after a deep breath and one last look back he left. He left you behind heart-broken, but he hoped you wouldn’t be for too long. He hoped you would get over him quickly, that he made you hate him strong enough and you could just move on with your life. You could find somebody new who could give you a better life than he ever could and he hoped that his heart would heal from this, too. He would never forget you, his first love.

#jughead jones x reader #jughead x reader #riverdale #oneshot #imagine #jughead jones #riverdale imagine #x reader #x you #fanfiction

128 notes · View notes

doomstypewriter · 4 years

Note

ok so this is kinda out there so i totally understand if you decline this short request but: angsty, hurt no comfort, major character death moceit where janus is like 5 minutes away from being executed (i was thinking by hanging) and this is their last goodbye. it probably wouldnt come into play at all but just to be thorough: in my mind its like a vaguely fantasy 18th century setting

Hello, Anon. Thanks for the request.

I normally do not enjoy reading major character death fics, but I surely am most willing to write them.

I was sold-out on the whole fantasy18th century setting.

Did I get carried away? Well, yes.

I hope you don’t mind the piece of subversion I decided to incorporate. Also, I did indeed get carried away and wrote 1808 words for this. I have no self-control.

Anyhow, I hope you enjoy it!

AO3 For other requests

TW: Major character death, swearing, HEAVY angst. Really, this will not end up nicely.

Words: 1808

It is one’s duty to abide by the laws

Tap.

The tireless dripping of the filtrations in the stone cell did not stop, a repetition akin to a clock. It followed along the rhythm of the passage of each second he had left.

As expected, the dungeons stunk of humidity and other things he did not wish to dwell on. They hadn’t even allowed him the comfort of a pile of hay to lay onto. All the dirt on his left cheek stuck to his skin disgustingly, god knows how scruffy his appearance would be after a week imprisoned.

Far away, carried by the reverberation of the undergrounds, the sound of steps from upstairs reached his ears. There was a scuffle between who he deduced were four people. Two guards, and two...

“I said let me IN!”

Ah.

Two idiots. His two idiots.

“I needn’t remind you that challenging His Royal authority will wind you up where you are so adamant to give us pass to. I can begin reciting all set laws you’d be violating”.

The loudness in Logan’s voice surprised him. It was almost as if he intended for him to listen too.

A heavy door opened with a low creak. Then steps rushing down the irregular stone stairs.

“Janus!”

Oh. His heart jumped and wailed at the shadows turning the corridor. A sweetness missing from his cheery, silly, and endearing voice. His idiot.

A cloaked figure fell on his knees in front of him, yet the bars rendered him so far away. He removed his hood, and, there he was. With his curly blond hair, the freckles he’d counted so many nights and the round wire glasses he only wore in private. Patton, his lover, but, most importantly, the Crown Prince of the Kingdom of Ulidorean. Right behind him, as always, the royal advisor, also, his very good friend Logan Abinie.

“What are you doing here? Does His Highness fancy tainting his reputation even more? I did deny our relationship, and anything that may have involved you with this mess, dear. Skillfully so. Have you any understanding of how hard that was? Well, of course not, because here you are, definitely not ruining all of my very light efforts on keeping your reputation untarnished. Lovely”.

A pained smile graced Patton’s face, cutting him in half. He reached for the inside of the cell through the bars, to at least be able to touch him.

“I’m sure those pants are not expensive at all. Thank goodness the guards bother to keep the floors spotless” Janus said as he gave in and got closer.

Patton cupped his cheek, brushing some of the dirt away in a caress. Just as he always did.

Not this time though.

There was so much shit on Janus that not even a thousand caresses could unbury him out of the schemes that had brought him where he was. And, where was he? Oh, right, in a filthy cell, a night away from being executed. By hanging no less, and, oh, what a shame, for his windpipe looked so lovely whenever Patton pressed kisses alongside its column; but would, regardless, end up broken.

All honey in his glance dripped on Janus leaving him with a bitter aftertaste. The brightest light in the world could not afford to be drowned in such sadness.

“I’m going to save you” the whisper was so tiny he’d barely heard it.

It felt like a love confession. ‘I’ll save you, he says, when he should rather save himself from me’.

The half-born reptile looked up at the other person witnessing the prince’s lunacy.

“You, get him out of here”.

“No”.

“Great”.

His scales popped, disentangling themselves from the glamour he had cast with blood magic, costing him a cut on his fingertips. At this point, he should be able to control his emotions. But no, apparently, there was no chance that the kingdom would not see his true visage. Dignity and death did not fit in fate’s plans for him.

“How are you planning to do that exactly? Getting out of tricky situations was never your strong suit, my dear. That’s my job. And just look where it has led me. Where it has led us! You cannot ruin your chances with the crown when Earl Heeldwing and his supporters are threatening your father’s authority like they are”.

“Roman is searching for the Dragon witch” he tried to argue.

“So what? He may be your best knight, but he’s not your brightest one. Virgil is still wounded, and, without his help, he may never find the Dragon witch”.

“You are not the only draconid descendant within the kingdom, the council knows this. If we manage to apprehend the Dragon witch and get her testimony we may be able to persuade the Circle of Elders to reconsider the nature of your penalty and earn the time needed in order to prove your innocence, but first, you must--”

“Logan, goodness, I was not aware of the fact that there are many draconids in Ulidorean. Well, not that you mention that I’m sure it changes the circumstances. The Elders could not have possibly considered that! You are truly the genius everyone pegs you as”.

“Jan, trust me. Everything will be fine, just let me help you”.

“No!” he pulled apart and stood up. “Do you think I have not considered this? I made my appeal to them! I did try to persuade them and show them that I was framed! But nobody in the council believes me anymore. If the Circle of Elders are set on having my head, me, their main consul, then whichever meager testimony you find, will not make it through to a hearing! I am to be hanged by tomorrow morning. So I advise you to leave me alone and save yourselves the heartbreak!”

“I am doing my best!”

“Yes, because surely doing your best is all it takes to change the world! This ridiculous willingness to believe in the good in others. People will condemn an innocent and the world shall not move a finger to stop it. Patton, your naivety is what brought us into this situation!”

Patton struggled to keep his breath steady after that, managing only a nod in response.

“I did not mean that” Janus said as he pushed his body against the bars.

“You said it still” he stood up. “Believing that there is good in others is what brought me to believe in you”.

His chest twisted in pain when Patton pressed a kiss on his forehead and made a move to leave. Janus caught the soft hand before he never had a chance to again.

“Please”.

“Don’t be afraid, I will find a way to keep you safe, okay?”

The hand squeezed back and then let go.

Seeing the dawn one last time. Maybe, if they moved him to the carriage early enough he could watch the sunrise before it got dark for good.

The cell door opened.

A pair of handcuffs were quickly snapped closed on his wrists.

Walking through the corridors he realised. ‘I don’t want to die’.

He disentangled himself from the grip of the guards and he ran. Away, anywhere.

‘I don’t want Patton to marry a noblewoman for heirs, I want him to marry me. I don’t care about what the court thinks anymore, I could not manipulate them. I want to wake up with him. I want to still be the Elders’ consul, I want to write law, I want my books, my house, my friends… I want to live’.

One of the guards caught him. Janus was immobilised in the blink of an eye, the other guard hit him in the head and everything went black.

Not for what seemed long enough.

He woke up to the jolting of a carriage. Unexpectedly, a very nice looking carriage, rather than the disgusting ones which took the prisoners to the gallows.

What?

Impossible. Patton had made it. There was no other explanation. He… he did manage to save him! God. To hell with his views on the nonsense of the institution of marriage, he was going through that wedding Patton had always wished for.

His vision finally focused. The concussion would not heal immediately, but he would have Patton by his side.

By his side, he found Remus instead.

“Remus?”

“Hey, dragon penis. Long time no see. You got pretty roughed up in the dungeons”.

Remus by his side, and in front of him…

“Logan?”

“Ah, you’re finally awake. You might be suffering from a concussion. It would be best if you rested for now. We will wake you once we get to the border”.

“To the border?” Janus asked as he tried to sit up.

A wave of nausea filled his esophagus.

No. Not a good idea.

“Rest. We will explain in time”.

“What is going on?”

“...”

“Logan, you never keep quiet when someone asks a question, what mess…”

“I can hit him in the head again, if you want” offered Remus, not sounding as joyful as usual,

“Where’s Patton?”

With that question, the world for everybody withing the carriage suddenly stopped. Logan tensed within seconds, even Remus held his breath back. They looked at each other in a way that conveyed far too much sympathy, especially considering their personalities. An unspoken message went between the two. Janus could almost hear it. It was a ‘we have to tell him’ kind of look, was it not?

“He pleaded the principle of exchange using his royal power”.

“No”.

The principle of exchange was one of the laws introduced during the reign of Patton’s grandfather, it allowed for a person to exchange the penalty of a crime with that of a relative’s. It was intended as a way to prevent the most vulnerable members of a family to endure the hardness of a punishment they might not be able to withstand, while ensuring they received the impact of said punishment through the bond with their family.

But, for that to happen… Patton must have recognised him as his spouse. Members of the crown could not be executed for a crime, only exiled.

Then…

Oh no.

Patton walked up the wooden planks that made the stairs of the gallows. It was worth it, he told himself. He even kept on telling that to himself when the Circle of Elders encouraged him to reconsider. Janus was convicted before he had made him his husband, which means that the veto on punishment by execution on the royal family did not stand for him. His grandfather had not thought this far ahead when he wrote down the law. One may stand in the place of a relative for a crime. That applied to everybody.

Including him.

Logan and Remus would watch over Janus.

Patton smiled in spite of it all.

He did keep him safe.

...

I AM SO SORRY.

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video-killed-the-radio-host · 5 years

Text

Father Dearest

With the help of the ever amazing @acealex-blueiguana , we wrote some angst about Cecil’s not very nice father.

TW: racism against Carlos, homophobia, deadnaming, misgendering

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cecil puts the phone down, his face paler than usual. He leans on the counter and presses a hand over his mouth.

Carlos looks up from his work at the table. "Cecil? What is it?" He stands. "What's wrong? What happened?"

Cecil turns, burying his face in Carlos's shoulder.

"Love, I need you to talk to me." Carlos says softly, rubbing Cecil's back.

Cecil picks up his head. "My father is coming over for dinner." He whispers.

"I thought your father was dead?"

Cecil shakes his head but doesn't look up. "No. I wish I could say he was though."

"Maybe he wants to make amends?"

"You really think so?"

"We shouldn't rule it out."

Cecil nods but doesn't look convinced. He lets out a soft sigh and looks away. "Michael will be home soon."

"What are we going to tell your father?"

"It's none of his damn business!" Cecil snaps before taking a breath. "I'm sorry." He whispers. "I'm sorry."

"Hey." Carlos murmurs, cupping Cecil's face. "We'll figure it out. I promise." He turns as the door opens. Michael stands there for a moment, laughing and waving at presumably at Mika.

Michael walks into the house, shutting and locking the door behind him. "Home!" He calls out and carefully walks to the kitchen counter to lay his backpack down.

Carlos steps away from Cecil after giving him a soft kiss. "How was your day?" He asks,pulling open the fridge. "I'm thinking lasagna for dinner. What do you think?"

"There was a fight at school. Bet ya can guess at least one person involved." He smirks. "Whatever you make is always good. Still better than my house." The words come so easily. This is home to him now, but when did the change in his mind happen?

Carlos laughs. "Even Cecil's cooking is better than your house.'

"Hey! Rude. My cooking isn't that bad."

Carlos closes the fridge. "You made toast inedible."

"Maybe I like it burnt."

"Not even Khoshekh would eat it."

Cecil huffs a pout before looking at Michael. "Michael...um...my father is coming over tonight. I wanted to let you know."

The boy tilts his head, eyebrows furrowed. "Your father? How did he even find you?" He asks before shaking his head and twisting his sleeves. "Do- um- do you want me to stay someplace else while hes here then? I can stay at the station or see if Mika will let me crash with them- theyre normally down for it…"

"I have no idea…" Cecil shakes his head. "No. This is your home and if he doesn't like it, he can leave." As much as he didn't want to admit it, having Michael there would help to keep him grounded.

"Okie dokie." He pauses. "Um… if you change your mind, let me know. I can get Mika to pick me up if needed… I'm not really the greatest kid, and I dont wanna cause problems with your da- father."

"I'd rather have you here than him." Cecil says with a small smile.

Carlos puts the pasta dough and a jar of homemade sauce on the counter. "Do you know anything about your father?"

Cecil shakes his head with a sigh. "Never met him."

"Samesies." Michael says, trying to lighten the mood, before giving Cecil a hug. "We'll figure it out."

"Yes we will because that's what we do." Carlos smiles.

Cecil nods a little, wrapping his arms around Michael. "Yeah."

Unsure how to help right now, the boy changes topic to get Cecils mind on something else. "Mika was in the fight. They did good as usual. They also got suspended but promised they'd still walk me there and hang around until its time for us to go home."

"Who did they fight this time? And why?"

Carlos shakes his head with a laugh. "That kid is something else." He says as he starts to roll out the dough.

"One of the jocks on the football team. They threw food at Roger, so Mika threw a fist." He smiles. "Roger's okay. We checked on him before they got dragged to the office."

"Ah that means I'll be getting a phone call from a conflicted Earl later then." Cecil chuckles softly. "Oh well. I'm glad he had someone to stand up for him."

Carlos looks over his shoulder. "I don't condone fighting but i hope Mika kicked their ass."

"We both try to stand up for him, but Mika does a much better job." He nods. "They definitely kicked his ass. The dude didnt even know what was happening at first."

"I'm sure you won't have a problem with him anymore."

Carlos lets out a loud groan, making Cecil jump. "We are out of garlic!"

"Carlos it's not the end of the world."

"It's bad luck. My mama said that if you don't have garlic in your house when a stranger comes, bad things will happen."

"So get more garlic?" Michael offers. "Did you have garlic when I showed up?"

"Course we did. It wasn't fresh though…"

"I'll just run to the store and-" Cecil is cut off by the doorbell. He pales a little. "He's here." He whispers.

"Breathe, dad. We got this." The boy hugs Cecil tighter. "I'll get the door if ya want."

Cecil shakes his head. "No. I'll be alright." He takes a deep breath and squares his shoulders before crossing to the front door and opening it. He stared at the man on the other side of the door in shock. He looked just like Cecil, same deep eyes and platinum hair. He was lacking the winding tattoos though as far as Cecil could see. No wonder my mother hated looking at me. Cecil thinks.

Brian stands for a moment before crossing his arms. "You going to make your old man stand outside all night?"

Cecil quietly moves to the side, watching the man enter the house.

Michael grabs his bag off the countertop and slings one strap over his shoulder. "I'll- um- go put my stuff away…" he says to Carlos: his tone hinting at his growing anxiety. Visitors at his house always meant stricter parents than normal. After all, they have to save face and br the happy family the Richardsons claim they are.

He cautiously walks into the living room, doing his best to stay hidden and out of the way. He just has to make it to his room.

Carlos nods and puts a reassuring hand on Michael's shoulder before joining Cecil in the living room. "Hello Mr. Palmer. I'm-"

"Cecil you got yourself a maid?" Brian asks, looking impressed.

"I'm not-"

"Carlos is my husband." Cecil corrects.

"No. No son of mine is a fag."

Michael tenses at the word. "Not really your son." The kid, against his better judgement, mumbles under his breath as he's halfway across the room.

That catches Brian's attention and he studies the child. "You must be Michelle. The nice lady in yellow at the station told me about you."

"His name is Michael." Cecil says, shoulders tense. "And-"

Sensing that Cecil is about to ramble, Carlos speaks up. "Would you like a drink? Dinner is in the oven so we have about forty five minutes before we can eat."

"Got any whiskey?"

"We don't drink."

Brian cocks an eyebrow. "Since when? Last I heard you were a drunk and a whore." He snaps at Michael. "Get me a drink girl."

Of course she did. Lauren is just wonderful that way isnt she. Michael tries to brush off the sinking feeling in his stomach. He still has to put his bag away after all, so he ignores the request. Brian makes him feel similar to his Father, but Cecil and Carlos wouldnt let him hurt him. Right?

So Michael just grips his strap tighter and continues walking to the guest room. Theyve got forty five minutes to survive this "pleasant" conversation. He can manage that.

"Leave him alone. I'll get your drink." Cecil stands, grateful for the excuse to leave the room. He gets a glass of water but leans on the counter to collect himself. He hears his father call after him, something about not liking his attitude.

"Kids these days. To lazy to even listen." He looks at the Hispanic man he was left alone with. "It's bad enough my son is a fag but he settled for a mexican of all people?"

Carlos tightens his jaw and waits before answering. "I am not a Mexican. Not all Hispanics are from Mexico. I'm from Chile."

"I don't care what you are."

Michael flings his bag onto the bed. "People fucking suck." He says to himself. He doesnt want to go back out there, but he doubts Carlos or Cecil would be happy with him hiding away. So he snags his rubiks cube off the night stand and makes his way back to the living room.

"I'm not going to sit here and let you insult me."

"Well you're free to go back to the field you came from with-" Brian clicks his tongue. "Six bastard kids?"

"Here." Cecil interrupts before Carlos could answer. "All we have is water." That isn't the truth but his father didn't need to know about the bottle of wine stored away for a special day.

"Damn took you long enough. I see your mother didn't teach you anything about good manners."

"She was too busy raising two kids by herself."

"And what's your excuse with her?" He gestures at Michael.

Michael glances up at him before turning his attention back to the rubiks cube. It's the only way to keep himself from misbehaving. The click of the cube and the ability to keep his hands busy help his anxiety in a manner that doesnt destroy the sleeves of hoodies. Hes trying to swallow the growing pit of dysphoria, knowing that this evening will only make it worse.

"He's fine." Carlos sits down in a recliner as Cecil settles in the rocking chair. "You're hardly in a place to give parenting advice."

Cecil looks over, his face pale again. "Carlos…"

Brian shakes his hand and sets the glass down with a thud. "What you know about being a father? Besides the fact that you're supposed to throw sandals at them to shut them up."

The boy flinches at the cup and bites his tongue. He wants to say something. He wants to stand up for his dads, but hes scared. He doesnt know how Brian will react, and hes only just starting to heal again after being beaten by his own father.

"Is there a reason you're here or did you just come to insult my lifestyle?"

Looking away from Carlos, Brian looks at Cecil. "You'll do well to speak when spoken to boy."

"You'll do well to-"

"Why don't we change the subject?"

Michael keeps his head down, afraid of what might happen if he steps out of line. He's nearly done with solving the rubiks cube. Click. Click. Click. The sound near deafening when the conversation has silences.

"Fine. Straight to the chase then."

Cecil doesn't answer, pulling out his latest project and a set of knitting needles. He does look up when he feels eyes on him.

"Do you have any sense of manhood at all?"

"He could kill you with those needles." Carlos muses. "And I'd help."

Click. Click. Click. The boy smiles as he solves the cube. "Carlos?" He asks. Waving the cube at the scientist, he silently asks for him to shuffle before tossing it across the room to him.

Carlos catches the cube and looks at it for a moment before beginning to shuffle it. He turns it and shakes his head, shuffling it more before tossing it back. "There ya go."

"Some of us appreciate the beauty in art and take pride in what they make." He looks up at his father. "Even if it isn't what you want." He had a cold but sad look in his eyes.

"If it isn't good enough, toss it away and start over. That's common sense."

"The Chinese fix broken things with gold to show they are still beautiful despite being broken."

"Well last I check we are not Chinese. And we are to good for broken things. When something breaks, throw it away."

Michael scoffs at Brian's first words. That's what his birth parents did, but Cecil is different. "And you know all about common sense." He mutters as he works on the cube again. The kid knows he's not suppose to speak but cant help it. This dick is a moron, and hes lucky that Mika didnt stay for dinner like usual.

"Excuse me little girl?"

"You're good at throwing things away." Cecil whispers.

"You will not speak to your father that way."

"You cant call yourself that. You're just a deadbeat sperm donor." Michael snaps before he can catch himself.

"That is definitely out of line…" He mentally scolds himself. "Mika will find this amusing."

"You gave up the right to call yourself my father when you walked out before my mother and I even left the hospital." Cecil snaps, dropping his project to his lap.

"You haven't earned the right to have me be your father."

"You never even gave me the chance to try and be good enough for you!"

Carlos flinches at Cecil's words but tenses as Brian stands.

Panic and fear flood Michael's system when Brian stands, but the idea of him hurting Cecil forces himself to his feet. A giant on one end and a teen a little over five feet on the other. Brian is like his Father, but for some reason he doesnt feel as terrified standing up to him. "This is not your house. You do not get to talk to my dad like that." He growls.

Cecil keeps his eyes level with Brian as he stands, despite his heart pounding in his chest. Especially when Michael speaks.

Brian stops his track toward Cecil and turns on Michael. "You do not tell me how to deal with my son. I'm too late to make a decent man but I'm sure that can change."

Cecil stands and moves across the room, stopping in front of the older man. "I am not afraid of you, Brian Alexander Palmer."

Cecil barely flinches when a wide hand comes across his face.

"You do not get to address me like that. I am your father!"

"Abby was more of a father to me than you ever could have been."

Carlos manages to catch Brian's wrist before he can hit Cecil again. The motion causes Brian's sleeve to slip down a little.

Cecil's eyes fall on the marks on Brian's arms. The needle marks he knew all too well. I'm just like him….

Maybe Mika wasnt the best influence, or maybe they were the best one Michael could have.

As soon as Brian hit Cecil, Michael was reacting. He would gladly take pain if it kept Cecil safe. Rage immediately flooded the panic that was in his chest, and he throws the rubiks cube directly at Brian's head. "Asshole!" Michael yells. Hands clenched into fists; his body moving forward towards the bastard. Fight or flight. For once the boy chooses to fight.

Brian's head snapped to the side when it was struck by the plastic cube and he jerks his hand free from Carlos's grip. "You little bitch!" He brings his heel down on the cube, feeling it break under his foot. "I'll put you in your place since my worthless son can't seem to do that."

Cecil and Carlos react at the same time, rushing toward Brian as he lunges toward Michael.

Carlos manages to get ahold of the back of Brian's shirt but Cecil gets an elbow to the Face and stumbles back.

Too late to change my mind now. Michael's eyes dart to Cecil as he gets knocked back, but he stands his ground. Fists clenched, and eyes determined. He knows how to dodge and throw a punch. Hes not allowed to defend himself, but hes not defending himself right now. Hes defending Cecil. Hes defending his dad.

Carlos pulls Brian back towards him and away from Michael. "Not in my house."

Brian struggles against Carlos's hold. "The little brat needs to know her place."

Cecil picks himself up, nose bleeding a little but he didn't care. "You will not lay a hand on my son."

"My place is here. You do not get to talk to my dads like that." Murder in the boy's eyes.

"Where is your real family? Cause I sure as hell know this isn't it. Cecil's to dumb to keep anything alive more than a week."

"Out." Cecil says, voice shaking a little. "I want you out of my house."

"I came for dinner and we haven't eaten yet so I'm not leaving until I get what I came for."

Carlos brings his free and up to grasp the back of Brian's neck. "You heard him."

"This is my real family. But you havent met everyone." His eyes hold fire as he stares at the bastard. "Trevor! Can you help? Please!" The boy yells, making sure the sheriff's secret policeman can clearly hear. "Be lucky Mika didnt stay for dinner, or youd already be dead. You are nothing but worthless scum. So get out."

"Who the hell is Trevor?"

"If you bothered to stick around, you'd know." Cecil couldn't fight the smirk as the door was flung open.

"In my defense," Trevor says as he makes his way toward where Brian was struggling in Carlos's hold. "I would have intervened sooner but I didn't want to spook you. Also I found cool lizard in the bush." The Secret Policeman stops in front of Brian. "I was wondering if I'd ever see your face again Brian. I haven't missed it." He punches Brian in the nose, causing a satisfying crack. "That's for hitting an upstanding member of our town." He then thumbs Brian's forehead. "That's cause you're ugly."

"I appreciate it, Trevs." Michael smiles. "Did ya get any pictures of the lizard?"

"Hold em for me?" Trevor takes Michael's hand and puts down a blue gecko with orange spots. "It's not poisonous. I already checked. I'll take this" He takes ahold of Brian's arm. "And be back soon."

"You better take your hands off of me! I have rights!"

"Night Vale doesn't work like the outside world and I'm sure you'll find that out." Carlos calls with a wave before looking back at Cecil.

His nose had stopped bleeding which is good but he still was shaken up.

"Hey" Carlos says softly. "It's alright. He's gone now."

The boy cups his hands to keep the gecko in his hold. "I'm sorry for not behaving and staring a scene… I didnt mean for you to get hurt…" Michael whispers. He made it worse. Maybe he shouldve stayed with Mika.

Cecil shakes his head. "I was dumb to think he would be a nice guy." He sits down and puts his head in his hands. "I'm sorry I let him in here. I should have known better."

"There's no way you could have known…"

"I should have known! And what if I turn out just like him? I already am like him…." He groans. "I should have known."

Michael plays with the lizard as he walks over to Cecil. "Hey…" He gently taps Cecil with his foot. "You're not like him. I can prove it. Do ya want me t list all the ways I already know you're nothing like him?"

"He has my face and…" he leans down and rolls up his pant leg, revealing the needle scars. "It's easier to hide on my legs. I'm no better than he is."

The boy ignores Cecils attempt to argue. Hes not shocked by the scars; Em had told him about Cecil's past before. Still playing with the lizard, he sits on the floor.

"You dont drink. Ya dont misgender me- not accidentally and never intentionally unless it's to keep me safe from Mother and Father. You dont snap demands at me. You're not racist or sexist. Ya see good in broken things, and you dont see them as just trash to be thrown away. You havent walked out on your family." He lists. "Ya never broke my rubiks cube before." He gives a small smile. "You let me play with Tic Tac which I know he wouldnt ever allow if they belonged to him. You're a good dad."

"According to Abby so was he until I came along."

"And yet...you made the best you could with a shitty hand and you didn't let it beat you. Because you're stronger than he is. You are not your past. And you are not him. You are better than him."

"According to my case worker, Mother and Father were good people before I came along. Does it make it my fault that they're not good people now?" He asks wanting to prove a point.

Cecil opens his mouth to argue but whatever he was going to say was cut off by the over going off.

"See? Even the oven disagrees with you." Carlos chuckles. He stands and goes to the oven to pull dinner out.

"I know this shouldn't bother me as much as it does but it's a...chain isn't it? Hereditary?" He runs a hand through his hair. "I don't want to be like that."

"Theres no way you'll be like that. Carlos wouldnt let ya. You arent your father. Hes more of a sperm donor actually, and that doesnt determine how the kid will turn out. I dont know my birth parents, but I dont think I'm like them. I mean I wouldnt give up a defenseless kid and have them left in the snowy night only a couple hours of being alive. That's just a messed up thing to do." He pauses, taking one of Cecils hand and letting the gecko crawl onto it. "You already have shown that you're much better than Brian. You're a dad. Hes a deadbeat."

Cecil gives a small smile at the lizard before looking up at Michael. "It isn't often we switch roles." He says, his expression soft. "You're such a good kid."

"No, I'm a terrible child." He smiles. "Mika is so gonna have a field day when they find out I yelled and threw my rubiks cube at your sperm donor."

"I hope he's locked away when you tell them about how I let myself get slapped because they might go nuts."

"You didnt even flinch! I dont know how you did that! I flinched when he put his cup down too hard."

"I think I knew it was coming. I've spent enough time with pissing off Lauren to know when I'm about to get hit. Or stabbed. Or kicked. Or- yeah. I think you get the idea."

"I'm use to it too, but I still flinch. Even when m not gonna get hit, I still flinch. Its impressive."

"Tell ya a secret. I almost went into cardiac arrest. It's amazing I didn't."

"How about you stop talking about dying and come eat before this gets cold?" Carlos calls.

"I propose after dinner we watch a movie and try to salvage this evening. What do you think?"

"I couldve fought him. You and Carlos were quick to shutting that down though. Lame." He giggles and stands up, grabbing Cecils arm and trying to pull him up. "What movie?"

"I didn't want to risk you getting hurt. I can take more than you can." Cecil points out as he stands. "Coraline?"

"If I can knock you on your ass and slam Father into a wall with my ankle more sprained than usual, I think I could handle Brian." He huffs before smiling. "Okie dokie."

"I had never met him. I don't know what kind of damage he could do. I refused to risk your safety. And that's all I'm saying on it." Cecil says, hoisting Michael over his shoulder and depositing him at the kitchen table.

The boy squeaks when Cecil lifts him up and laughs when he gets dropped off at the table.

"Children. Settle down so we can eat." Carlos said,sitting the pan on the table. "Don't make me smack you both with a spoon."

"Uh rude."

"Oh hush and eat."

#wtnv #welcome to night vale #wtnv carlos #carlos the scientist #cecil palmer #wtnv cecil #cecilos #michael palmer #alex writes #angst #tw racial slurs #tw homophobia #tw misgendering #tw deadnaming

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kae-and-boi · 5 years

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骨

what is bone to us, but a memento of who we used to be before our flesh rends from our body?

what exactly are we, at our core? can you tell me? are we simply bodies meant to deteriorate with the passage of time? do we have any other purpose than to live a life to only die in the end? i guess you wouldnt know, thats fine the only song you sing is one of destruction my friend we both know it all too well

i can tell you that we are not our bodies, we are our minds within our bodies, delicately cradled within we leave it all behind when we die 206 bones that form an empty cage if i am not my body, then what am i? if this is what we are, how can you say that you are still you? but what i want to know is this: am i even real? who is to say that i am? it is not an impossibility that i am simply a ghost, a remnant from my long distant past left behind by a decaying corpse, if even that? what if all i am is memories engraved in bone, nothing more than a mind held within the cage of my body? you say no, but i say that this body of mine is nothing more than skin and bones, a hollow shell of your own creation, but also mine blood stains your skin, coating your hands your fingers your lips, dark fingerprints litter my skin, (and we all know whose hands left them) together we carved a tale of love and ruination into this body, skin thinner than paper, bone softer than wood one touch and it all crumbles a w a y (you know this all too well, as do i.) this identity of mine may be an illusion but it is something that i can call ‘me’ whatever ‘me’ may be i am not so sure anymore, not after after everything so what can you say to that? how does it feel, to know that you were the one to tear my paper skin from my paper body, to snap my wooden bones beneath your cruel hands, breaking everything that i can say is me? am i only a doll to you, a fragile porcelain thing that cannot feel? am i a toy to you, a puppet whose strings you hold? yet you are a merciless master, for when you have no use for this plaything of yours you command me to be quiet, to speak no words and leave me atop the highest shelf where no one else can reach there were other dolls there once, but they have all abandoned you for kinder souls i want to follow, trace their path to freedom, but i do not know where they have gone all i can do is sit and listen sit and listen to the others who speak their mind, whose bones remain unbroken, identities intact. sit and listen to the others who know no pain, skin thicker than blood and bones harder than steel. sit and listen to the others who live life as they wish, belonging to no one but themselves. was i ever one of them? was there ever a time when i never knew you? a time where i was who i was meant to be more than just 206 bones i cant remember anymore. too many things blend together, too many voices and colors. how long will this last? how long do i have to keep myself silent? only as long as i can stand it? i cannot endure this empty, echoing silence that threatens to consume me even broken, i am me that is the one thing you can never take my heart, my love, my soul, they are yours but not me i belong to me. you can break my body cut my strings put me on the highest shelf but even then, there will always be a way to climb down, to leave your lonely shelf more string to replace my severed ties hands that can heal my broken bones and sew my soul back into my body porcelain clay to fix the cracks in my skin paint for the faded color in my eyes and the red of my lips and enough love to make up for the attention you never gave me i can only be yours for so long nothing is meant to last forever, love even us, bodies minds and all we will leave behind a body when we die, and it will slowly rot leaving nothing but bones beneath the earth until even then those bones have turned to ash our thoughts gone from this world we are all only temporary, living only to be forgotten so you can hurt me snap snap, go my bones, my mind, snap snap beg me to love you as you have loved me which is to say, not at all claim to know me better than i know myself you know nothing, silence fills your thoughts insist that i stay by your side only by free will do people stay speak lies to my poisoned mind better than singing sweet nothings to an empty heart whisper hatred to my heart there used to be so much more than that, but you took it all away and all i knew was you but i am more than your broken toy i am loved by others who are not you i am stronger than what you made of my splintered remains i am power i am alive i am me i am f r e e yes, i am scared, so much more than you know i have known those shackles, those chains my entire life and now they too sit atop that empty shelf, invisible to everyone but you and me a memory of the past, the only proof left that ‘us’ existed so now i fly away scattered to the wind, lost in this world nowhere to go and only a dream in my heart but at long last i can say all the words i kept hidden away every little song i never dared to sing adjectives and verbs and nouns all spilling across the page writing in dark ink as surely as the sun shines in the day and the moon at night as long as i am without you, i am happy. so let me say this, as a final goodbye. deep in my heart, one healed by the hands of someone i love, i only have one thing and one thing alone to say. this is my promise to you. carry these words in your mind and let them remind you of the dandelion before its wish is spent, of the calm before the storm, of the ballerina who dances, until her body betrays her. of the cold snow before the sun, glittering beauty that melts away, of the beauty before it fades with age of the long lost love for a child, belonging to a heartless mother. these are the words i have to say. i will be me, even if all i am is bone.

#骨 #kae writes #spaghetti vignetti #this was supposed to be posted a long time ago lmao #oh well i guess all that matters is its up now

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returnedmemories · 5 years

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Somehow this post turned into my life story

This past month I've been able to call my kids every Sunday night. Im thrilled. The new medication I've been on has abled me to to feel things and be less depressed . I cant believe Im finally doing well enough and that I have earned enough trust with their guardians. I feel less disconnected from my kids. The calls dont usually last long, but I now get to hear about what they have done during the week, and whats happening in their lives.

Before I saw them only a few hours once every 3 months. Inbetween visits, I worried about them every day. Were they happy? Are they doing ok? Are they getting enough love? How are they handling all of the trauma they have been through? Did they miss me? Did they cry alone, struggling with their emotions? Or were they so shut down that they were barley living?

They have both come so far. I know my oldest is most likely going to struggle most of her life. Its hard to over come trauma. I know. Its a daily struggle not to relive the past over and over again. And living with depression can literally suck the life out of you. I hope she can heal. I hope she doesnt make the mistakes i made.

Being abused and rejected by my dad, and knowing my mom couldnt or wouldnt protect me left me feeling worthless. I was alone with a monster and I couldnt protect myself. Being told over and over again that I was stupid, fat, lazy, and worthless. Having my dad raging and yelling, being told that he HATED me.

I became a shell of a person. I was empty. I hated myself so much. I was eventually sucked down a dark hole of depression that I couldnt escape. I became suicidal by the time I was 11. All I wanted to do was cut open my skin and climb out of my own body. I wanted the pain to stop. But it didnt. It got worse. I was afraid to go home after school. Home wasnt a safe place. Not when HE was there. At home we walked around on egg shells hoping he would leave us alone. But there was always something. Always. I cant tell you how many times he kicked me out of the house. And when that happened my mom wouldnt know what to do or where to take me. It hurt me so much, my mom didnt stand up to him. She always said she just wanted everything to be okay, but really by doing nothing she was choosing him over me.

By the time I was 13 I discovered a way to distract myself from the pain that consumed me. Cutting. When I cut myself on the outside I could focus on that pain, and it momentarily relieved me of all the hurt inside. I tried to hide it at first. Then I stopped caring. My mom found out, she was understanding. But when my dad found out, I was assaulted with his rage and hate. I already hurt so much that most days I thought about ending my life. And what does my dad say to me? "Your not my fucking kid. Why dont you just go shoot yourself in the head witn a gun". I'll never forget that moment. I'll never forget those words. They destroyed me. Im grateful now that my mom made my dad get rid of the gun he had brought into the house. I wouldnt be here now if she hadnt. I would have done it. My entire life had become nothing but fear, depression, and self hatred. Life wasnt worth living.

I was 14 by the time I had become full blown anorexic. It was the one thing I could control. I also began going for long walks. I was 100% convinced that I was fat. Maybe I would have had this problem anyway, but I believe having my dad tell me I was fat and lazy my entire life had something to do with it.

I just stopped eating. And On top of not eating, I would take laxatives, and I would take epicac AND I would intentionally give myself food poisoning. All so my body would eject anything that might still be in my body. Im lucky I didnt end up in the hospital. I felt weak, and dizzy. There were times I fainted, or suddenly felt like the room was spinning. But I was in control. And it became normal. Not eating. Whenever someone offered me food, my immediate instinct was that I was being threatened and it was time to flee.

But of course, (even though I was never fat), no matter how thin I got, I still thought I was fat. I thought I was disgusting, and Unworthy. No one loved me. And I had no one to protect me. I wanted out! I began thinking if only I didnt have to live with my dad, that I could be safe and happy. I couldnt wait to turn 18. I couldnt wait to be out of his grip. I would turn 18 and he wouldnt own me anymore. I was so stupid.

Life became even harder when I began having PTSD episodes. Even when I was away from my dad, at school, I couldnt escape him. I began re- living times he hurt me. And his voice became my inner voice. All day I could hear him whispering, "your stupid, fat, lazy, worthless, I hate you, why dont you just go shoot yourself in the head with a gun?" Always in the same order, on a loop, repeating over and over again. I was in my own personal hell. Trapped. Miserable. Suicidal. Why couldnt I be like all of the other kids? I didnt understand why this was happening to me.

I was in highschool now. All of my middle school friends were seperated from me, and I began struggling in school. Highschool was much bigger, with alot of students that I didnt know. I began having severe anxiety and panic attacks. I spent alot of time in the schools councelors office either bawling, hyperventilating, or so shut down and disociated that I couldnt speak. I was trapped in my head, reliving trauma, and hearing my new inner voice(thanks dad): "your stupid, fat, lazy, worthless, I hate you, why dont you just go shoot yourself in the head with a gun?"

Most school days I left early. I couldnt handle being around so many people. Inside my world was falling apart. I felt so alone, so empty. I couldnt cope.

I was 15 when I began trying to get help. I packed a bag after one of my dads abusive raging throughout the house. He kept instilling fear into me, and kicking me out of the house (for no reason. It was a way for him to control me) He expected me to go somewhere and wait several hours until his anger had settled, then come back. If I didnt come back right when he decided he wanted me back he would threaten to call the police and report me as a runaway. AFTER HE KICKED ME OUT!!! So this time I fought back. I went to two different shelters. One was called Simonka Place. It was a shelter for women and children. I was there for a while, but I was still in the middle of a mental health crisis. I had a panic attack/ptsd episode/dissociative state and was sent to the hospital because staff was worried I may have overdosed on something. I tried to tell the doctors I had not taken anything, but I was a kid, and they didnt believe me. My hands and feet were in restraints and they forced a tube down my throat and into my stomache where they pumped me full of charcoal. They said if I took anything I would throw it up.

I didnt throw up. I didnt take anything!

When I got back to Simonka house they said I couldnt stay, because they werent equipt to handle my problems. I was upset and angry at the time, but looking back, they were right. I was a very messed up child who needed more help then they could provide.

The next day I went to the host program. It was a shelter for teenagers that provided family counseling.

I left the very next day. They said I had to eat breakfast, it was part of the program. That wasnt going to happen. Food was the one thing I had control of. So my fight or flight instincts kicked in and I ran. (In hindsight, looking back I can see where I was prob having manic episodes. I didnt find out until I was 21, but I have bipolar disorder, along with depression, anxiety, ptsd, and dissociation disorder)

I dont know how this post became my life story, but whoo! It feels good to get this shit out! Im going to end this now, but I definitely want to continue this.

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anislandintime · 4 years

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I think to quit and exit is the only way left, the only way out.

Life has let me down again and each time when I have told myself it cant be worse than this, life has taken it up as a challenge and proven me wrong. Things have been just getting worse and worse. It feels like life is just laughing at me. I feel ridiculed by life.

When GF came to meet SB, it felt so nice. She had taken a bus during the pandemic travelling for 15-16 hrs just to meet him. They were meeting for the first time. Her plan was to stay for a week but ended up staying for three weeks. They had a good time. When she arrived SB told her that he decided to give their relationship a chance only after I suggested him to give it a chance and let his guards down. Both thanked me greatly. Well, while I am happy for them, I dont understand why things had to just go wrong for me in the relationship I pursued in a similar fashion?

UB came to stay with us for a night when K’s roommate’s parents were in town. That night over a long conversation he mentioned of how J’s toxic friendship had affected him deeply and its impact was seen in eroded ability to trust and connect with people. All of this, he said, changed only when K came into his life.

Life, please tell me why do you give solution and liberation to all except me? I am unable to tell how the narcissistic abuse of ND has crippled me from within. I neither get a healing touch nor do I find a shoulder to cry on. Worse, I dont even find words to explain what is happening to me. I continue to suffer in silence with absolutely no hope of recovering ever.

UB also got the job, that I too had applied for. I was instrumental in him finally getting into this stream. Now he has gotten the job I am desperately in need of. He too was aiming for it. But given his cultural capital he could have opted for another job and he had the luxury to stretch his hand and leg in those directions, which I clearly dont have. But he wants a life of comfort. Hence he is seeking this one. It is isnt crime to seek comfort. But what is a life of comfort and ease for him is my hope for a sustainable life for I do not have the cultural capital to reach out to anything else. I think I am going to be bankrupt soon, with no job in hand and no projects coming my way.

SG texted saying she and ID are getting married next month. When I saw the text, I literally jumped off my seat and gave a punch in the air. I can never forget how SG had wept uncontrollably by the sea one evening recollecting how her extended family had beaten her, her parents and her sisters when they found out that her eldest sister was dating a Christian. The memories of it haunted her every time she thought of telling her parents about ID. But now, she says her parents and sister are fully supportive of her and she doesnt care what the extended family thinks. She sounded very happy and I am happy for her.

Such news make me unbelievably happy. But at night when I finally switch off all the lights and try going to sleep... There is only one question which comes down like a lightening and strikes me hard. WHY DOESNT ANYTHING GOOD HAPPEN TO ME EVER? WHY LOVE IS SO ELUSIVE? WHY PROFESSIONAL SUCCESS OR SUCCESS IN RELATIONSHIP PERPETUALLY ABSENT IN MY LIFE?

Mother is unwell. Father is unwell. The times when Mother was hospitalized drained me out completely. I dont know how will I manage all this, with no support- physically and even emotionally- and also with no income. To add to these, my own mental health is collapsing. The severe damage caused by ND’s narcissistic abuse has made me perpetually nervous, anxious and also feel perpetually threatened. By what, from whom- no clarity. But I constantly feel I am under threat and I am about to be attacked. I feel severely insecure and unsafe. The abuse has left me in a state where I am unable to trust anyone and I feel disconnect from everything and everyone. All of these has made it difficult for me to even speak of what I am going through, to friends or even to strangers. I cant trust anyone anymore. I feel uneasy throughout. Is this what they call as PTSD? I dont know. What did I do to deserve all these? All I did was love this girl and see only goodness in her. And it turns out that she only abused me, manipulated me, exploited me and even without me realizing it, fractured my soul and destroyed me. She even had the audacity to repeatedly text me asking how my mother is doing. Wonder where she got to know about it from. I wouldnt be surprised if AN was the source of news for her. That idiot of a friend who took pleasure in turning my pain, my suffering into a spectacle- something to derive entertainment from! How foolish of me to have trusted him for so long as a friend! Was it him or was it AG? I dont know. I dont know who to trust anymore. Why did ND repeatedly text me? Even call me! She also sent a mail. I did not bother replying to the texts or even the mail. Did not answer the calls. I did not want to have any form of communication with her, especially after that accusatory mail she sent when I shared with her a paper, which I thought would be useful to her. She made it sound like I was being intrusive and pushy and also unwelcome. Later she doesnt mind repeatedly texting me, calling me. Had I called or even texted her, she would have brought down the sky screaming and shouting and unleashing violence on me. But when she does it, it is to be perceived as an act of kindness and concern. Even if it is done just so that she can convince herself that she is kind and concerned and not because she actually has any concern. What a performative life she leads; where she lies to herself and believes in her own lies! She is more interested in coming across as a good human than becoming a good human. When I did not reply to her texts or mails and when I did not answer her calls, she made AS- her friend- call me, text me. When his father was unwell earlier in the year, I used to check up on his father’s health condition often and also extend my moral support to him. And he chooses to become a ‘flying monkey’ to a narcissist? Or may be he doesnt know of the ways in which his friend caused hurt and wound to me and the core of my being. I abruptly ended the conversation when he called me from an unknown number. I did not return the call as I promised. He texted me later on. I replied to it after a day or two. He doesnt bother replying to that. But then ND calls me. I dont know why after some days I felt I was holding grudge like ND does and in order to be not like ND, I decided to reply to her mail and I did. She doesnt bother to reply to that. Probably she was satisfied knowing that the person who she wronged and damaged, doesnt mind replying to her; which helps her showcase the world and make herself believe that she isnt a bad person and more importantly she has control over the people she has abused also. So no reply. She persistently called and texted to make herself believe that she is not ignored, not neglected. Once she gets to know that the other person, though wronged and hurt by her, still writes back to her, she is more than happy; her ego is boosted and she goes back to her silence, her way of showing her power and her control. She constantly says how abusive her father is. I dont know him but from whatever I know of him through her, I must say that if at all he endorses his way of being, then he must be super proud of her daughter for she has outsmarted him in becoming abusive, toxic, exploitative and harmful. If at all ND rejects her father’s ways of being, then she must also be disgusted by herself and must not forgive herself ever because she has been no less to her father in being abusive, toxic and exploitative. I replied to her mail not because I wanted to strike a conversation but because I did not want to become like her. So, I also wrote her a mail after few days when TV news spoke of floods in her ancestral town. Immediately she texted me on WhatsApp, in an extremely friendly tone. I replied to that in a cold tone because I did not know how she would react. When I replied in a friendly manner to her query about my mother’s health, she went silent. When I had earlier replied elaborately to her mail spelling out how SN had plagiarized her thoughts, my long mail expressing solidarity and offering understanding was responded to with silence and later an accusatory mail! Even when in July she called wanting to clear things and sort things, when I spelled out what hurt me, she not just swung sword of words at me but also made it sound like I was the one causing hurt and told me that her therapist had advised her to stay away from me, as if I was the one hurting her! Any way, after telling me that she wants to disconnect from me, she texted me within an hour asking if she can check on me once in a while. When I responded to that in a friendly manner, saying we should probably together meet a therapist as suggested by her, she replied in an extremely hurtful way and arrogant way saying her ONLY problem in life was me! After that she blocked me on WhatsApp. Every time I have tried to be friendly with her she only attacks and accuses. Her constant flips and backflips are mindfucking and toxic. I dont know how to deal with her, nor do I know how to heal from the aftereffects of the trauma she caused... and also, I dont know how to deal with the love and compassion I still have for her somewhere deep inside of me. I hate myself for this.

Life, please be kind to me and end your relation with me this very night. I do not wish to wake up tomorrow morning. Please leave me. I wont hold you accountable at the door of death. But I beg you, please let me die and leave me. I am done. I am tired. All I sought in my entire life was some genuine love and some real deep connections. Even that was not made available to me, even if in a small percentage. I certainly deserved a better life. But it is okay, I wont complain. Now, I want to take the exit door and leave. I am tired. This pain, this loneliness, this suffering... all are just unbearable now. Death, please do not be like life. Please embrace me. Hold me in your arms and take me with you. Tonight.

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pokefanbri · 4 years

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1st I have to say this b4 I repeat the post from fb. This is a place where I can speak my mind freely without judgement, speak my peace even. Which is exactly what im gonna do so prepare for a read. So think what u want idc, but the last thing I wanna do is tick some1 I know off cause on some level there's a mutual appreciation & respect regardless of my impression. And anyone that reads this isn't obligated to understand my opinion & I dont expect u to. With my brain its my thought process to let information out of my head so I can put things aside, observe & absorb more lol. Writing is another tool or coping mechanism for my anxieties & other psych ailments, treatment for my mental health depends on it & other hobbies in other words, especially during shutdown, something to focus on. Heck even youtube is recommended by my doctor if it keeps me happy lol. But because ill be working again, I may not have time to do alot of things I like sadly..idk i just wouldnt want to be burnt out & focus on more important things. I have a high respect for anyone working around people during this time & it must worrisome for u too, means I have to keep on my toes as well soon..its a scary world out there for an introvert but I was killin it in NY too. It was just a slow steady process with all the limitations & moving my life up there wasn't easy to begin with but I pulled through & did it all...only for it to be taken away.

So, I'm an Irish, German, Canadian,British Mut from tucson. Maternal & paternal immidiate families lineage mixed made me, including my NY blood from my bio dad. The rest is all over Europe but u get the idea. Tucson may be where i was born & my 1st home without a father & raised not knowing (were mardi gras babies btw 😒)

But NY is & will forever be my 2nd home i dont care what any1 says, I felt I belonged there. Its the other half of me quite literally.Theres a memory that's really been bugging me. Last day b4 i left it, a bald eagle flew across my path in the sky no joke going NE & I was departing back to the SW. I chose the eagle years ago cause I identify with it. including the background symbolism in different phases of my life that included them lol, but to actually see one was just amazing.

They symbolize strength+freedom in general despite it standing for the country from sea to shining sea lol. Also Braviary was always in my pokemon team besides pikachu since its gen came out lol. I've always been strong, whether some believe it to be true or not is their problem, only I know the things I've gone through. Point is different ends of the spectrum its always been with me throughout in some way & im glad i got to share it with someone that gave me the freedom I needed.

But yea I experienced what its like to be there & got to know that part of me even if I didn't find him & maybe didnt care...I feel I was meant to be there. I was in touch with my roots, lower Temps & above sea level rather than high temps & below sea level 🤣 I loved everything about my time up there. It'll always be a part of me, & I hope to see it again. But I digress.

But in regards to the relationship itself, emphasizing on what i said b4. Just as it i got "settled" in it was gone & I had no clue what was happening without my knowledge, the whole plan to bring me back, all of it, the whole chain of events that unfolded the way it did starting with leaving a marriage in the 1st place to be with him i mean come on lol. Chasing a dream that didn't play out the way we had hoped. I took leap of faith & I ended up starting over twice in 1 year with no benefit of the doubt. I still have my ny health insurance for the rest of the yr, I have to add it to my list to apply again in az. Ive been wearing the wrong prescription glasses for 6 months under quarantine & they're just now getting to stage 4 of opening lol. Just understand how frustrating that actually is for someone like me & u totally get it 😅 U want to take care of business but sometimes you're limited & gotta work around it. had all that covered there & then was told I settled, wrong thing to say & its no wonder I didn't blow up in his face right there & then 😒. But I have retraint & can control myself. Though it was out of my hands the new relationship didn't have to go sour, been just as long if not more, could've actually thrived given the proper balance with room to grow. Idk, Sometimes I honestly don't think anyone believed in me. I mean I have no debt, no record, no kids, im a clean slate type of girl lol. Yes I did end up feeling unappreciated, underestimated, a bit neglected, insecure about my body, ashamed for being myself, & I shouldn't have to feel that way at all & if that happens there obviously something off. I just didnt know what it is he wanted & needed, i wanted to help & be a good partner to this dude but why is it bad to ask the same in return? I shouldn't have to drastically change myself to fit someones standard i know, but...i needed the old him back, I missed the old us & wanted to get back to that.. Was always so closed off & probably ended up in his own head who knows, maybe there was guilt for some of the things he did & didnt want to hurt me anymore, spare my feelings any more than it did b4 it was too late.idk whatever the excuse i still don't know what triggered it all to fail so easily & i don't think i ever will. But ending up with the conclusion that I was the problem, its narcissistic to even believe that & i won't accept it. Not when he can't confront his own issuse & put blame onto himself too.. it was a low blow & literally felt like my heart was pierced at the sound of it. If im to blame its the other way around as well. My point of view wasn't acknowledged so this is my take & experiences of happened so plz dont hate me for speaking my truth.

But yea I can tell when somethings not right & feel strong empathy for others emotions. I knew something was different, there were signs everywhere since the mistrust started & during the last half of that time with him I questioned everything but sat in my own headspace as well as he did just thinking about it. If anything we failed eachother, the blame is on us both but idk what else i could've done to get through to him. That's the stubbornness, he wouldn't budge. Despite how things went down..Leaves me to think, what was the point of having me there in the 1st place, to not follow through with our shared hopes & dreams but instead spiral into such resentment for me that the interest faded. But at the at the same time...even if it ended early for him, I didn't give up & I fought to keep us okay which it was for the most part. Hindsight is 20/20, it definitely wasn't negative all the time. In fact things were great between us & acted like goofballs together, that right there is a friend despite if the stronger feelings weren't mutual. Nobody with hate in their heart acts like that, he was good, the best, cheered me up when I was down, shared interests & did things for eachother. But that alone makes me question what was truth & what was fiction sometimes ever since the trust between us started to fade. Am I in the right to feel what im feeling right now? Im angry & upset yes very, but the kindness he had throughout..he did care in his own way...which makes things so much harder.

Tripadoodle if some way you're listening, I hope u know now where im coming from. For your own benefit & quest to be a better man like you always wanted...actually try. Head my advice. Making yourself better shouldn't be put on a womans shoulders to do for u without her getting lifted in return...its alot of weight to handle for 1 person to carry lol. Get off your ass & build on yourself, learn from everything that happened & become better for yourself & the sake of others, Because it starts with u. Go to church if possible or watch them, it really does help. Even from across the country I still want u to do just as good & help u as a friend. You promised we could remain friends & im holding my end of the bargain whether u like it or not lol it was your idea during the ride here. All I wanted in the end was to not lose u in my life completely...but i should be patient i know.. Theres more space, im not contacting u directly & respecting that, eventually ill stfu lol but I feel I need this rn. I should hate u,but I cant hate u, I do still care, u had that affect on me so much that I can't really listen to others when they say ur a douchbag lol, u were still my rock the whole time even if u didn't feel the same after a while & u did help me alot as well. I see the good in people & u are good, with well balanced snarkiness & humorous sass to boot. light a fire under ur own ass & ull be okay lol. Never stopped believing in u. Ive seen what you can do, you're very smart & know your sh*t, u will go far lol. And as a friend I'd lend u my strength if I could but the most I can do is pray for things like safety/protection, healing, forgiveness, guidance, etc. Leave it to God if u feel compelled to. Give zanabell a hug for me.

God i talk way too much 😅 No im not doing any of this for attention, I want my voice to be heard as well as a possible learning experience if it had that effect on anyone. The things we learn build character & help us understand a little more about ourselves. Probably shouldn't share cuz its nobody's business, yea ive thought of that too.. But its a blog lol, Tumblr allowed it to be that space, opinions and rants are allowed & encouraged. Nothing wrong with that 🤷‍♀️ so who gives a crap.

These are pictures of the NY sunrise & AZ sunset. Clouds always get me cuz of the shapes, used to to take pics of them all the time. once saw mario holding a hammer when I was a kid 😂 3rd & 4th pic is a split rainbow, never seen that b4...either someone found the gold or its deciding whether or not to connect. Probably was connected but I missed it lol. But then I looked behind me after the split 1 disappeared & a double rainbow was forming. Nature can be scary but also beautiful

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thots-and-ideas · 4 years

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Tom I don't believe in grammar but I just want you to know that I've loved you for as long as I've known you and wrote so many poems about you and when I hear songs they make me think of you. I hope you see this.

Last week when you picked up Solis you kinda slapped my arm in the way you do when you make that “pshhhh” sound. Last year on Christmas you handed me something and I felt your hand on mine and I swear I could feel the warmth from you like you intentionally exchanged energies with me but you’ve disciplined yourself to keep from giving me anything. The time you touched me before that was when Chris died. I couldn't tell if you wanted to hug me but God it felt good and I didn't even mind that we didn't say anything. Before that it was you begging to kiss me. For the first time you begged for me, couldn't accept what I was saying. It was the first time I really thought that maybe you could spend forever kissing me.

You could have spent forever kissing the person I should have been. The feeling of warmth comes to me in my dreams and sometimes I wake up and remind myself that you're gone. I have dreams of you knowing who I am. I have dreams that you're apart of this family I've built for myself and for Solis. When I had Solis I was in no way sophisticated enough to understand how deeply flawed and unprepared I was to be a mother. Deciding to have Solis was never about keeping you. I wanted a love that would never die, how selfish was I? I knew I had something special inside of me and I couldn't resist that feeling of being a creator of my own world. What was inside of me could never leave me because she is tethered to my flesh, my blood, and my labor. How wrong was I? You and I facilitated someone who does not belong to either of us. I couldn't stand the thought of her not needing my body for sustenance, I couldn't stand the fact that she wasn't mine, but she was ours, but she wasn't. Do you understand? I remember taking a nap after she was born. I woke up to you next to me holding Solis. It was joyous. I always had these little pockets of hope that we could do this together, whatever together meant.

Theres these messages I remember. You told me you wanted to be friends, and my response was “we’re not friends.” What did that feel like for you? My body felt like a dumping ground and you were a dumping ground for my pain that caused me. You were my friend. I was always so intimidated by you, amazed by you, entranced by you. At 15 you stood out to me. Your cute hair and your teeth I liked the way you laughed but you didn't really say much, that was okay to me. You played with my hair. You had a pull and I think if you were to think back maybe you would tell me that you felt the same way. You told me the other day that I have amnesia, I thought it was funny because I pretty much remember every single moment with you. The thing is, I for so long thought my anger and my rage was righteous. I was confused, I didn't understand why you were ashamed of me or why you hid me why you wouldnt call me your girlfriend, why I was expected to behave like an adult. In between those feelings there I was, causing chaos, losing myself in bitterness and self loathing. It was all my fault so I would punish myself but when I was faced with consequences of my hurtful and unhinged behavior I would punish you.

For years, up until very recent years, I couldn't see myself. My body was disposable, I wrote a poem about myself as recycled trash. You can't know your own pain until you look It in the eye. The last few months of dating Karlos I couldn't afford my rent anymore, and couldn’t afford my downpayment on greektown house. I had to turn myself off to survive. I started going to the women in my life and coming to terms with my abuse, getting help for my abuse, Im still working on it very hard and it'll probably stay with me forever. But this is the lesson. I'm responsible now for that pain. Will I let it make me small or will I accept the support of my community who did everything they could to help me, and help myself while being lifted by love, and grace. I have blamed you for my pain for a long time, but there has never been a time I haven't wanted to heal from that with you, and I think that is the problem. I didn't want to heal with Karlos, if I believed in police system , he would be in jail right now for what he did to me. But for me to heal from you is to heal from myself.

I remember the cruel things I said to you, just like Ill never forget how your touch feels on my skin Ill never forget the way I weaponized things you trusted me with and attacked you. I’ll never forget the way I would try and try and try to make you so angry to get a reaction. I put words into your mouth and created my own realities. It must have been exhausting, more than that... the point was to make you hurt like I hurt. That was always the point. I wanted you to love me and my delusions told me you didn't any you never would.

You told me I needed therapy and I agree with you. We all have broken bits. I look at you now and see that beautiful smile and that way about you that I see in myself and in Solis. I knew I would see her in you and there's been no greater gift than this life we have all been able to provide Solis. I had troubles, those I hope you can forgive me for and understand me for. I couldn't get out of bed and Solis was my only will to live. I hadn't been able to harness that pain yet. I hadn't practiced ownership and self accountability. The pain I've felt from you is mine to carry and I promise you, I only carry lessons, lessons I'm applying. For Solis, for my chosen family, and for myself.

I wish I could send you the poems I used to write about you, and some more of the things I would write Sol when she was in me. I always saw you in the brightest of lights and nothing ever dimmed that, not even my own lies I told myself about you. Biggest lie is that you didn't love me. When you said you wouldnt let me hurt you anymore I didn't know if you still felt anything about me. Like I was just some human you see sometimes that existed before but its just a ghost now. I don't want to be remembered as that Lexei from you. The more I told myself you didn't care about me the more I pushed you away. Instead of calming down and being rational I turned to creating problems . Is it too late Tom? Have the lights turned off for you? Do you know what I would do to just sit with you, like normal people, and talk about our good memories and the joy we felt together and what you taught me and who we are now. I miss you so much Tom. Look at everyone who's in my life, they've been there for as long as you have. They're family to us. We wanted you here during quarantine. We want you to be a part of this family. Sometimes I dream about being together with you but I know that's just a delusion of grandeur. We could be friends. We were friends. I think I’ll always love you and always I will extend my apologies to you and I know it can be healing to hear “I'm sorry” from someone who has hurt you. I know its recent but Im coming back to me. Im passionate about learning how to be a healer and mindfulness and it has always brought me back to you. You still pull me tom. You showed me so much gentleness, you formed me in so many ways that I can't explain. We manifested a product of ourselves and she is the most perfect, flawed, complex, kind, smart girl who emits golden light into this world. She's a reflection of all that is good in us. You only want to talk about Solis and I get that. Im not sure why I keep extending but I keep seeing you in my dreams and I keep seeing you in Solis and I keep seeing you in real life and I can't take my eyes off of you. Sometimes I worry about you like you keep so much in, I wonder if you could ever trust me again but, Im here, and I love you. Ive made myself a safe place for people. You and Solis helped me in ways you'll only know if you see me through eyes of forgiveness.

I don't know what the point of this is. You make things Clear to me all the time, but sometimes you flirt with me and I think sometimes you might be flirting with the idea of me. Flirt with it more. We can be a team, a real team. Not married mom and dad but, come be with the chickens and the family and you'll feel at home because when we’re together we are home.

“oh how I love you, in the evening when we are sleeping.”

I remember every song we listened to, I remember every fight, every time we played and played and played, and the piano fingers on my skin. Watching you play gently on the keys making such powerful noise. Thats why you're a good cook I bet. It’s all in the gentle finesse. You're a gentle dad and a gentle man and I'm so sorry for bringing that chaos and lack of privacy into your life, I didn't get it then and you did everything you could to make me understand. I wonder why though, you never let me go and why it takes you to treat me almost like I'm not a human, in your words “nothing” to be able to stomach being near me. Is it resistance or is is disgust? Ive done a lot of stupid things... make some stupid mistakes. The fucking phone dude... didn't even cross my mind. Its your job to catch me on those things and tell me to cut it out. Im learning that we all need to pick each other up when we’re slipping. I love you tom. Im so proud of you, and I will always be rooting for you. I will always love you in a special way too. More than love like family. I want to touch your hand sometimes so badly and just grab you and hold you and smell you like the time in the harbor. Its hard to dream of you.

There are so many things I need to be sorry. You didn't deserve what you've had to go through. I wish we could hug man.

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decodervon · 4 years

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Mean.

mean. it was mean and meant to provoke. it all hurts.

being honest isn’t a shield against being upset. that night with Kayla, I was honest and i knew it would upset you. do you remember how you treated me after i told you? i knew you would be mad. disappointed. sad. angry. i knew you’d feel those things and more and i still asked for more. i let you treat me however you wanted to treat me, because i knew what i did was wrong. ive kicked myself a MILLION times for that act and let you get in as many kicks as you wanted. just because you are honest, does not mean anyone has to be lenient in how they feel. thats a loss you have to accept and admit. its a permanent black mark on your record, and that’s just what it is. you can feel upset about having it pointed out, but its what. happened. hearing you almost OD on drugs is scary, and makes me mad, and disappointed, and angry. I KNOW you feel that way yourself, but you’ve gotten to feel that and process that already. this is still news to me. i’ve put so much time and care into you that i’m allowed to be angry. you don’t get to be angry about ME being angry about a dumb mistake you made. thats the sound of me CARING about you living and dying. a blackout is one step below hospitalization. thats SCARY to hear. what if i told you i did so many drugs i blacked out?? or how I was so drunk I dropped my bike on myself and then dropped it a second consecutive time till a stranger had to help me? see? its honest, and I fully expect you to be mad, scared. and disappointed in me. part of accepting responsibility for your shortcomings and failures is accepting that they ARE failures and if someone points them out or is disappointed in them, you have to accept that and make peace with it. if someone hates me or distrusts me for the mistakes I make... they have a right to. I have a right to be upset. your parents and the people who care about you have a right to be upset. you have a right to be upset when they do things that hurt themselves. please dont be so angry at me for caring about your well being.

i.. dont like manipulating people. it's like being good at kicking dogs. it's a way my intellect can be used to deceive people into actions they wouldnt normally. I dont morally like doing it. like I did manipulate megan to give me information.. I just asked. I wanted to know how you were. I am desperate for information about you because I'm still... addicted. I'm slowly reprogramming myself but it hurts. it hurts to know I spent so long suffering just to have to swallow that it's over. and moving on with our respective people hurts and proves that. there was a time where I was manipulating you and it was horrible. it makes me feel like that time I pressured you into sex. it feels gross and empty and I really dont want to resort to it if I can. my mom does it habitually because of whatever her trauma was growing up.. but I dont share her same wonton opinion of its use. I justified using it because I thought you were seeing someone behind my back... and I was right. that's what always killed me about that time. I was suspicious, i was controlling, and manipulative and I ended up being... correct to have tried to do so. it kills me when I go over it. but it's also true that none of that stuff helped. being suspicious made me distrustful. being controlling made it harder to believe you. and manipulation made me feel like nothing you said or did was authentic. there were BIG consequences to those actions, regardless of the situation. and none of them helped. maybe suspicion because that led me to finally outing you, but yeah. I promise, I dont want to go back to any of that. I am not trying to goad you out of any information and am happy to pay for it with information that you might want. its honorable and I dont have to feel so awful after.

I touched upon some of the feelings I felt about the tryst.. its.. I feel really complicated. I'm.. starved for physical affection. enough to throw money at randos for nudes (not a very proud moment for me [and while sex work is real work, I've usually done well enough to not have to patronize]) and would probably go way out of my way and spend myself too much for it. i... did have something physical with someone that was very brief but I don't want to get into it. I felt weird. it felt wrong and I wish it couldve been you. doesnt matter. what matters is I would spend myself much more than I should for some physical affection, especially if the person knew me and all my weird kinks. i.. wanted that from you for so long. not just the last few years. the whole relationship I wanted you to want me. i never felt like you really did. sometimes you did. moments. places. seconds. but i hungered for you. all the time. the second I decided I was in (roughly three months in) I never looked at you a different way. it didnt matter what your hair looked like, or if you had makeup, or if you weighed more or less... none of that mattered. I decided I was in and you were this.. bond I craved. I never knew how to get you to... want me sexually from a standing still point. I poured all of that desire into going down on you. into a mastery of manipulating you sexually until I could get you to cum as fast as a guy. I wanted you so bad. I wanted that.. reaffirmation of being sexually desirable. i wanted to feel attractive because that's the only way i ever FELT sexy. i wanted to be objectified by you because it made me feel good about myself. having this super hot girl treat me like my body was super hot? its was like drinking out of the holy grail of self-esteem. words are... ultimately meaningless to me. it's like. I have a certain experience and mastery where I understand that words are just... nothing. they're only the cardboard cut out of Meaning and the actions behind them, are what make them stand. you could tell me I'm Hot for 100 years and I'll shrug it off everytime. but to me, you dont fuck someone you dont find attractive. not if you have the choice.

to me you were always this stonewall. you knew the world wanted your body. no matter what you thought about it. you built up this stone face that I could never see past. I never thought my actions were good enough. it's why I always asked. why I always needed to check that I was sexually adequate enough. I felt like I was at arms reach. its felt like you were this quiet master. watching, waiting; judging. I wanted you to be vulnerable and weird and gross around me. I bring up one of my favorite all time sexual experiences with you as the time you came home drunk and had the loudest, grossest dirty talk session with me as we fucked and i loved it (for being super hot as well) because you were so... raw. you didnt care if I was into it or not. you didnt care what you said or how I responded. you just let loose and it was so honest and pure. it was the best sex because i actually felt close to you. I didn't have to ask if you liked it. didnt have to wonder for one second. I knew you got what you needed and in doing so, gave me what I needed. most of the time...sex felt like I was bothering you. like you just wanted to get it over with.

and the tryst is.. its. you spend so long feeling sexually unwanted and then these last years.. I don't really rank into your priority system. I haven't for a long time. It goes: Work>Burlesque>Family>Friends/Self-care>Cats>Me. I've had to compete against everything else in your life to just.. get a chance to see you. I'm publically banned from your house because of a relationship that came LONG before it, but we both know it's total bullshit since you still end up sneaking me in when it works into your schedule. I really wanted to show you that I wasnt just a mad, angry fucking asshole anymore. That I did have the capacity to trust. that I had more patience. but I had to fight against everything go even get a chance and you were barely willing to even see me. I just..

I'm not trying to point a finger. that's not what this is about. it's about realistic expectations and being logical. a tryst is a fun, secret idea. maybe I'll write a piece about it. I'm not saying you wouldnt put in work, but just like you dont trust me on certain things.. I dont trust you to either pencil me in or erase a plan and spontaneously appear. that has nothing to do with damages and more about character. you're someone who plans things. you like following a path. its comfortable for you. you can control it. I have always been the opposite. I am "I'll be there when I get there" and always got a secret place to show someone. I was the neighborhood kid on his bike looking for a hideout. control is.. an illusion. we are our truest selves when chaos hits. when all the plans fall apart. I like the concept of bailing on anything to go do something bad.

you're healing. I'm healing. I don't expect you to roll the dice on me and that's nothing if not just pragmatic. it gets me excited because /i/ would do something like that. like it's a hot idea to think about climbing up to your balcony for secret sex. would I ever do it? no. it's a huge violation of privacy and i already promised I would never intrude on your safe spaces. that is a gesture /i/ would like. not you. I've had so many times I've wanted you to just... show up somewhere for me. I remember ice skating alone on valentines day. I cry when I write that. you were with friends and we werent in a great way. but I showed up and I hoped you would and I got a "I would of but it's too late, I'm with my friends already" I couldve been with my biological father and still bailed for ice skating with you. and so I mean. I'm not saying you wouldnt do the the work or that I dont trust you. I'm saying the definition of Insanity is repeating the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. you're getting what you want out of someone else and I have nothing left to give. I'm sure you dont cum as hard for him, but give it time and direction and im sure that changes. everything I had or did is replaceable. repeatable. forgettable.

and both our relationships are fledgling. I know you care about him, but you're damaged like me. I know that its gratitude. it's like someone giving you a massage. you're thankful, but a connection that does not make. I'm not saying my situation is better, infact, its possibly worse. I'm involved with someone I've had a decade long crush on. who's choosing to mess with men again specifically due in part to ME. the idea of either one of us getting into something even partial meaningful is laughable and HIGHLY dangerous to those people who are involved. I'm taking things intentionally slow because I dont want this person to be a rebound. sex, affection, anything. I need to process before I dedicate myself to anyone. but you're having a much more casual and adult relationship. will it turn into something REAL? who can say. but regardless, it is a rebound. just like I was. and I had to fight tooth and nail through the first year due to your friends influencing you, you still fucking around with your ex (lol that's me now) and your general uneasiness to want to be official in an attempt to a real, honest relationship.

idk. maybe I'm reading into the fact that you dont care if "mystery man gets hurt". I am envious of your casual and open thing. I wish for the same, but the Universe apparently needed me to know that my longtime ultra crush was interested in me and.. I.. I couldn't turn it down. i need it after everything. i was almost driven crazy. the only thing that's missing is the physical part and im.. trying to keep it like that. I dont know why. I should take a page out of your book and just.. do it. you have that now. probably wasnt more than a couple of dates before, if that. I have this meaning and purpose associated with sex... and that's hard when you were in love with someone who felt differently. I wanted to be the one to take care of you. even if we werent doing well. just break it down to its physical components and go to town and just.. part ways after. no strings. but that's not something we could ever believe the other could do with one another. and it hurts.. a lot to know you're physically with someone else.

a lot.

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fortheloveofcringe · 5 years

Photo

n e e d y //

I could go and write something where people would look up to me like a success story. That’s always a way to prove you’re something in the society you live in. It’s the easier choice, to make people feel like there is hope and success at the end of the dark tunnel but then people tend to overlook or push-back, the fact that there are things that happen along the road, they happen at the scariest time and moments in your life and never do these “people” who I have dealt with bother to feel it unless it needs to be felt. It’s like emotion these days has to have an on and off button. That’s scares me a lot, but then these days I’ve been thinking, being scared doesn’t do nothing to me, it just make me fight more, even after so much downfall and rejection.

Rejection, I’m going to touch bases with this one. Something I’ve dealt with my entire life. From my paternal grand parents making me feel like an abomination just because I was gay and no one in the bloodline has to be gay, or to the most fresh wound I have, which marks it’s first month today, me being single, after such a wonderful, scary and inspiring relationship with Timothy.

You know something, perhaps I’m writing this as a formal closure to that chapter in my life because for so long I have been writing about so much sad stuff in the cloud of anger that I just want to get things off my chest differently which is to address this in a way where I’m the monster, and I’m not anymore pointing my fingers to the monsters in my story. I can’t even believe I called myself a monster right just about now.

Anyway, Timothy, if you would read previous entries you might get the idea of a modern day fairy tale relationship. None of my wildest dreams per say. I adored him so much that it just hurt us both, badly. To cut the long story short. He just never needed me the way I needed him. It sucks. To just throw dreams of having a bright future with someone out of the window just because it hurts your eyes and you want to do a reality check but I guess that’s why we have sunglasses, they say it protects the eyes. I never realized some eyeglasses are fake and just do nothing but leave marks on your nose.

Needy. I’m needy. I’ve been crying and going crazy for weeks now. This has been such a wild ride with him that looking back now I just feel like everything we had was just from a book. A Novel, a fictional one. I wish him the best however it just makes me feel a certain way knowing I have suffered more than he did. It’s like all the entire time I believe he had some reservations about us and he knew we are not going to work out and a few puzzle pieces come into my mind to support this claim. One, he never formally introduced me to his family because I think he never wanted them involved when it all crashes down unlike mine where my family had known him and are angry and tears knowing I almost tore my relationships with them just to have Timothy by my side. Two, being with him, despite the care and the love, felt like a love prison, for both of us. What I mean is I felt like he was just faking it to make sure he complied with the “ideal boyfriend” persona he describes himself as because there are moments when he had rolled his eyes at me to the back of his skull thinking “Hambert is not really worth it”. Three, and last, in support of number two, He admitted he wanted someone else. Not me. I’m glad I had so much time to make sure I have figure out the science of persuasion that I figured out a way to make him spill the truth to me and I have to say it was fucked up. Imagine being with a person beside you while his mind is off sucking someone else’s dick. That felt like boiling water in my freshly healed heart. Because I think breaking up is fine, sure some relationships need a time-off, but to know who’s replacing you? that’s just fucked up.

This is where I got really and intensely angry at him that I made sure we really would hate each other after the end because my good side tried to patch things up with him even though it made me look so desperate running through their doors just to give him a movie or something so he wouldn’t be wasting time or whatever, but the bad side of me just wanted to get even so I made sure that I did some stupid things that actually, in the end, bought me peace of mind and of course some insights to process my pain.

I met his the girl he dated before me. Which he just ghosted. I did that to catch his attention which ended up me having blocked by him on social media. My point of meeting this girl, besides my petty brain, was to make sure I erase this picture of him that I painted in my head, which was a handsome prince who picked roses for me every morning just to make sure I don’t dance in stems of thorns. Timothy was such a great man that he also made sure I would feel like nobody would care for me the way he cared. Which was debugged when I and Venus, the ex of my ex, had lunch over spaghetti, taco’s and the dick we both had in our mouths (and by dick we mean by attitude or literally, whichever comes first to your mind) When we talked I realized he has a cruel way of making sure you wouldn’t compare him to anyone. And the way he twisted their story to me, because when we spoke I realized Tim was such a liar he had to make her look thirsty for him and no woman should be painted that way, ever. That conversation I believe healed us both in a way were now, we’re friends and shit-talking about a guy full of shit which basically catered to what I want which was to make sure all of the good pictures in my head was crossed check for what is the actuality of who he was. In that moment me and Venus realized we were both used as a gateway for his lust to a guy named Gwen. I can’t call it love because I’m sure Tim has not have the opportunity to connect with Gwen on a deeper level so fuck fake smiles here, people.

Who I thought was the man, that I’m willing to go through with all the hardships in my life, who would support me, and help me grow, turned to be a complete poser. This was hard for me because I know him in way that not Venus knows and I know very well that he’s a broken soul, but there is no rational reason to justify his pain to be carried over to his present life knowing well that he is old enough to fuck us both, and for him to be running around and break the hearts of people who loves him.

What also bothered me was the fact tat he was just so ready to move on to the next page of his life which was by trajectory, was Gwen, and that he never muttered a word that would have potentially brought us back together. He was just so “Please I need new dick in my mouth I’m bored of you because you’re a pain in the ass”.

Pain in the ass was also one thing that he couldn’t handle. He never wanted anal with me. Now, I don’t know why but I have a strong feeling that would have it been Gwen to offer to top him, I’m sure he’d squat in less than a second. Forgive my bitterness overflowing in each word here, if you’ve been in so much pain, you might understand.

The world isn’t big enough because this Gwen guy is a close friend of my friend Argie. Now long story short Gwen doesn’t do boys, or so he claims. Tim got dumped and now it’s a double whammy for our pretty boy Tim who thinks everyone is gonna drool for him. I hate him though. That Gwen guy, he haven’t done no shit. I can’t like him because he’s the friend of my friend and I know it’s not his fault, but sometimes disliking people just don’t need to be justified, we just feel the way we feel.

I hate knowing he was my replacement just in case he was into boys because he’s manly, skinnier and lanky (as Tim admitted he like those kind of boys, one where he could pose as a pedophile) short, and it makes me more bitter going to work everyday passing their 3-story house making it feel like a slap to me for coming from a poor family. It was like “Hambert, your replacement is a handsome, skinny guy whose rich and that’s what our high maintenance Tim boy wants, bye, you deserve to be left, so sorry but not sorry, go ahead and die.”

Got a chance to talk to him though and I think he’s smart from staying off the dirt because I would drag him in the mud with Tim on top of him so they could finally get to fuck one another for making me and Venus shed tears.

Let me tell you one thing though. And this is fucked up. I still love him.

I still feel his kisses on my lips. His face in my chest. The scent of his hair or his subtle way of putting his nose on my shoulders in the jeep. This is what breaks me to tears like right now. Because knowing I can’t have that anymore. It’s feels like death and I’ve had a fair share of losing people and tragedies from living so poor, not eating to being accused of wrong things, to be bullied in work or having my grandmother die while I’m carrying her to the hospital or maybe even growing up without a father, but I think this has been the greatest pain I’ve dealt with. To be in tears because of love.

And I can go ahead and make stories about how I successfully dodged a bullet. But to be fair, I know that in those nights I spent with with him, the love we shared, I know he’s the love of my life and there could never be anyone. Because now I’m scared to be loved and be in love. I can’t embrace something that broke me.

I’m now employed ans still studying. Things seem fine. I’m walking on a fire pit but I’m still alive.

However if there is one more song we can bond over, just one last, I wish I can sing Ariana’s “Needy” to him. Just to make him understand. How good it feels to be needed.

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freerebelmentality · 7 years

Text

For the love of music pt3 (final)

Word Count: 2,380

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“Yeah, I did and he told me you were out” You tell him looking away from the folk lore books

“Ye have quite the collection” He says while looking around and getting up from the chair to get a better look at the books.

“Thank you. Some of them once belonged to my brother” You tell him

Chibs saw that as an opening to ask about your family or just about your brothers anyway.

“He come around to visit often?” He asks in hopes you will answer him.

“No, they havent because uh they passed away a couple of years ago” You tell him while feeling the ache in your chest

“Sorry to hear that. How did they pass?” He asks while looking to you and feeling the hurt you have suffered. He has great understanding when it comes to loosing people you love.

You are about to answer him is when a book comes flying off the shelf and stops at a page, a quote by Leo Tolstoy.

“Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them” You pick up the book from the floor and read out the quote.

You go teary eyed and thank Sam for the inspiration. You see Chibs looking at you with great sorrow but you smile to him even though it doesnt look happy. You always remembered Franks quote about smiling after they passed and kept doing it ever since.

“I know this is going to sound crazy to you but um how they passed is. They saved the world from utter chaos with an end result of them dying while closing the gates of hell. Sam was originally suppose to do that but Dean got in the middle of it all and he died as well. We didnt know it was really going to end us but they did it while they told me to go and finally live the apple pie life. That they did it all for me and every single person on this earth” You say while remembering the things Dean had said before he took his last breath.

It was to late for you to say good bye to Sam because his injuries were so severe that he went quickly.

Chibs stood there getting teary eyed watching you tell him the dying last moments between you and the only family you had.

“I am truly sorry for your loss and really grateful at that” He says as he reaches over to place his hand on yours to give a gentle yet loving squeeze.

“I went down to Tacoma earlier today because after the things Juice has told me. He looked into your back ground” He admits while breaking the silence

“What did you find out” You ask while wiping the tears away.

“I have a brother in the Charter, he tells me he used to be a hunter until your brothers closed the gates of hell” He says while he hopes you wouldnt kick him out for going behind your back.

“His name is Jesse Cuevas, his husband is Caesar. Hes told me they have hunted with ye and your brothers. Supernatural beings. At first I thought he was crazy but made sense” He says while looking to you.

“Yeah, I remember him. We worked on a case together. He is a member now?” You reply while asking quickly

“Hes been a member for a couple years now. Most likely around the time your brothers passed” He says while getting up from the chair.

“Any more ex hunters who have joined the charter?” You ask out of curiosity

“No just him” He answers

“I’ve had enough of this chick flick moment. How about we go to the party thats happening at the club?” You ask while feeling better about opening up to him.

“Aye, feel like my balls turned into some fucked up looking pussy” The both of you laugh while you head up the stairs to change into something more suitable for a party.

“How do you know there is a party going on at TM?” He asks once you come down the stairs.

He loved how you looked in your outfit, showed all the right curves and how you hair just accented your face perfectly

“A friend of mine told me when she dropped me off to pick up the car” You answer him while grabbing his hand and leading him out the door.

He got on his bike and handed you a helmet. Once the bike came to life and roared down the street is when you loved everything about the motorcycle and now wondering if you should get one for yourself.

Once the both of you got to the club house is when you let loose right away. You didnt need to worry about anyone hitting on you because everyone knew who you came with. Juice looks to you and doesnt like that you are there. You walk up to him after downing the last of your Scotch.

“Its Juice right?” You ask while Chibs keeps an eye on you.

“Yeah” Is all he says and continues to drink his beer and ignore you.

“Dude what is wrong with you? You not like me or something?” You ask while you feel the Scotch burn your stomach knowing you are feeling a bit tipsy.

“Something like that” Juice says while turning his back on you.

“Well then, lets settle this once and for all. I saw a ring out there. Lets solve our problems the right way” You tell him while the guys look between you and Juice.

“I dont think that would be such great idea” Bobby says to you

“I can take care of myself” You tell him while walking away

“You wanna belt it out with me? In the ring? Sweet heart you dont stand a chance” He says looking to you with a serious expression on his face

“Lets see then” You tell him while leading the way outside.

Everyone around is in complete shock by the invitation but Tig couldnt help but pull together a pool.

He throws the first punch but that doesnt knock you down. You fight back, how Dean taught you to fight over the years and Sam always said you reminded him of Dean while fighting.

Juice got you a few times but not bad enough to leave your face puffy. You spit out the blood and fight back once more but never back down. You kept punching him left and right until you hit him really hard and he fell to the ground.

“Chibby I am getting incredibly turned on by your old lady” Tig says while his hand is against his belt buckle

You kept punching him until he wasnt able to fight back anymore. You kept going until someone pulled you off of Juice and you looked and it was Chibs. Everyone cheered as you won the fighting match. Everyone cleared out of the club house and went to their dorms to finish off the party and then some. All that was left in the bar area were you, Chibs, Bobby, Tig, Happy and Juice.

“Do I have your approval now?” You ask Juice while he is getting patched up by Chibs.

“Yeah. Where did you learn to fight like that?” He asks while spitting out blood from his mouth.

“My older brother taught me and when I went in well I had to fend for myself” You tell him while you did some time

“Oh my god, you hear that Chibby? She did time” Tig says while trying to contain himself from taking you to his dorm

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” You ask looking to Tig

“Tiggy” Chibs basically growls out his name while he walks away and grabs a crow eater and to his dorm.

“Ye alright love?” Chibs asks as he places his hand under your chin to get a better look at your face

“I am ok now but wait till tomorrow when everything kicks in. I mean Im still pretty drunk and I know Im hurting but tomorrow is going to be a pain in my ass” You tell him while you take the cup of Scotch from Chibs hand and down the rest and handed him back the cup.

You downed the drink no problem while Chibs looks to you in complete amazement that you can handle your drinks. Another thing you got from Dean while growing up with him or just until you were old enough to drink on your own. You would dig into his stash from time to time and left enough for him not to notice anything is gone.

“How about that dinner you owe me?” You ask looking to Chibs

“Ye hungry?” He raises his eye brow

“I could eat” You reply with a smile

“I know a place that opens all night” He says while he helps you to his bike.

“Y/n?” Juice yells before the both of you walk out the door. You turn to see what he wants.

“Take care of my brother, hes a good man and he deserves the best” He says while Happy helps him to his dorm.

“Shouldn’t ye be saying that to me about er?” Chibs asks looking to Juice

“I know she can take care of herself but man you fight for shit at times” Juice says while everyone laughs and you share a chuckle as well.

You and Chibs park in front of a diner and walked in together. He led you to a booth by the window, he slid in while you did the same across from him. The waitress came by to take the drink order and meal order. You ordered a bacon cheese burger with fries along with a salad.

“The food I get because I dont want my brothers missing out on the things they liked” You tell him while explaining the food you have ordered. He looks to you with a puzzled expression.

“My brother Dean always got bacon cheese burgers and fries. Sam well he was the health nut and always got something with salad and all that other crap” You tell him while chuckling. He smiles while you love how his dimples show when he does.

“Understandable. Before Charming. Where did ye move from?” He asks while the waitress serves our drinks and coffee.

“Kansas, we had lived in this place that people forgot about. We were given the place by my late grandpa but we didnt know exactly where it was. Until we went to visit his friend that knew the place well” You tell him and tell the story about the men of letter bunker.

“So no one knows about this place?” He asks looking to you.

“No, not even the government. Only way you can find the place is coordinates” You tell him while the waitress comes back with food.

“Enjoy your meal” The waitress says and walks away back into the kitchen.

He got the stake and eggs. You looked to his plate and really wanted to pick from it.

“Ye have your own food” He says trying to swat your hand out of the way.

“Your food looks so good so I couldnt help it” You tell him while he chuckles.

He doesnt know when the last time he had this much fun, well during a meal course and he was feeling really comfortable with you and you made it easy. You and Chibs eat in harmony and you like the some what domestics that come along with eating at a table with another person.

“Is that everything?” The waitress comes back.

“Pie please, cherry would be good” You tell her while Chibs smiles to you and you knew Dean was very happy about that.

“Im guessing your brother likes pie too?” He asks after taking a sip from his coffee.

“Yeah he did and I always loved em to” You smile to him.

Chibs took you home while you grabbed his hand for him to come inside as well. He followed into the house and led him up the stairs. He hesitated for a while until you reassured him it was to sleep and nothing else. You liked the fact he is very respectable. In some ways he reminded you of Dean. In others reminded you of Sam and another that was very Chibs. He knew how to be vulnerable with you and thats the most incredible thing you have seen in a man.

Your brothers always hid their vulnerability because they always had this mentality to always be strong for one another, well Dean anyway. Sam on the other hand was more open with his feelings but at times he would hide too but you would know something would be there. You knew he would say something once you asked.

They always had to have this stoic and strong mentality around each other. And thats all you were used to. But with Chibs it was different and thats what you loved about the man. You knew something special is within Chibs and you wanted to find out what it was. You found it and you wanted to cherish it and be that person who he needs to lean on. You wanted to be his rock when shit hit the fan and you want him to be your rock as well.

Chibs couldnt believe how much you can handle yourself but living the life you have for so long. It made sense for you to learn how to defend for yourself, especially with the things you used to hunt. He understood the look in your eye of seeing nightmares. He thought it was crazy at first but remembering back to all those Scottish folk lore he has heard growing up made him believe that those stories were always told for a reason. Now that all the supernatural beings are gone, demons gone and now you finally get to live that apple pie life your brothers wanted for you. He is happy you wanted to live that life with him. He wants love you forever. You are his forever.

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alittlebitofyouinallthis · 7 years

Text

@brokenemotions

Okay this is it…

~~~ Its been 700 years since he last saw his angel. When itsuki first left, vincent still felt there were signs of him all around. A warm breeze when he felt sad, a sunset after a good day, laughing children when he felt alone. But so many years without Itsuki left him wary, cold. Sure he had happiness. His brothers came to see him, he had friends he spoke to. But as much as he loved these people, and did his best to keep being a good person… He felt every single day like each was a weight on his back. He didnt want to try anymore. He didnt want to be without him anymore. He couldnt change it, the fact that he was without Itsuki. Be he could change that he had to BE. Hed considered this option a few times. And by a few, that means a few hundred. Especially in the last decade. This world just wasnt the same anymore. Not without him. He saw everything as if it were already dead. It might as well be, right? It was only a matter of time. But his time would never come. No god would save him. No science would heal him.

Vincent stands in his study, a portrait of he and itsuki hangs on the western wall. Itsuki is looking down, smiling and vincent is holding his hands from behind, placing a kiss on his neck. They both look like angels, something Vincent could never be.

He looks out his eastern window, about to pull down the shade, but he doesnt. What if he just let it happen? Let the sun take him in his own home? It wouldnt bother anyone, he would just become a pile of ash. Nothing to bury, nothing to mourn. He releases the pull string, seeing the first glimpse of bright sun come up in a thin line over the ocean. It hurts his eyes, but he wont look away. Like the first time he saw him. A light that shone so bright it hurt his heart. Tears run down Vincents face. Just let it happen. He hears a creak… His house… The support beam… The wall!

He steps back just as the whole wall of his house collapses. Blocking all sunlight. He falls backwards. What just happened? But whatever it was, it isnt over. His house trembles. Books fly off his shelves, his glasses break in their cabinets. The portrait of him and itsuki falls off the wall. He scrambles to dash to the other side of the room, but doesnt catch it in time. The glass shatters and the canvas falls to the floor. Heartbroken, he covers his mouth and falls to his knees. He reaches for the canvas. The way its folded, it almost looks like… Were itsukis eyes always looking out of the portrait? Like theyre looking right at him. He lifts the piece of glass and the portrait is normal. Itsuki is looking down again. He puts the glass back. Still the same. They’re looking down. Why would he think the picture looked at him? What is going on? Youre losing it Vin. Just get on with it.

He pulls on his coat to protect him during his drive, not sure where he will go. In his way out the door, he trips over a pile of books. A pile? Sure they were thrown all over the floor, but this was a stack practically blocking his door, four books high. He turns and looks at the one he kicked, which had fallen open. The bookmark is one itsuki made for him, like new from being betwen the pages of an untouched book. A thin laminated brochure for a camping park they went to. It wasnt far, but itsuki said they should go back for their anniversary together every year, thats how much he loved it. He picked the bookmark out of the book. This is where he would go. He got in his car and drove off. The whole way there, he kept the bookmark in his hand, occasionally a tear would fall from his face. Today was the last day he would feel like this. He was in the park, driving uphill, when he kept feeling like he was being followed. He only had a few minuts until sunrise so he had to hurry. He reaches a landing and practically jumps out of his car. The wind is stronger up here, he looks at the sun, it burns his eyes. Too close. Too close to sunrise. He cuts through the trees, but they are no longer familiar to him, worried that he will end up in circles, he looks at the bookmark. Where do i go, he thinks. Where do i go to end my pain? To end my longing for him? A hard wind blows and he closes his eyes, but then an idea comes to him. He turns his back to the wind, holding the bookmark. He doesnt want to lose it. But something collapsed his wall, something was in that portrait, something was in his book. He lets it go, and it flutters high above him, taken by the wind. He sighs, feeling stupid. Just before the bookmark whips past his face, uphill. Not possible… he follows, running to keep up. The wind blows faster and faster, he sees a clearing ahead. Shedding his coat, he chases the bookmark as fast as he can. It looks like the sun is already up so soon… theres a light.

Vincent reaches out and just manages to grab the small paper as he bursts into the opening. As hes surrounded by light, warmed by it, one word in his mind: “itsuki… Itsuki… itsuki…”

He lands on all fours, his eyes shut, but the sharp pain of sunlight never came, he opens his eyes slowly. The sky is red, the horizon still just about to burst. But the light? He looks up towards the source. And not three feet away… is… No…

“Itsuki…”

The most beautiful thing hes ever seen, the angel he loves more than anything, was standing beside him. The bright light he saw was him, it was radiating all around him, coming from within. Itsukis wings were spread open, evidence that he had also just arrived.

“…Vincent?” Itsukis voice of disbelief was as soft as the wind in the trees around them. The angel reached out to him with one trembling hand, and Vincent did the same, their eyes refusing to look away from one another’s. What if this wasnt real? He could be imagining this. The sun could have killed him so quickly and now hes dreaming. His hand recoils, his disbelief and fear keeping him on his knees.

When itsukis fingertips brush his cheek, it almost breaks him. “It’s you,” vincent’s cry was almost silent.

He watches a tear fall from Itsukis face, unblinking, as the angel kneels in front of him. Vincent’s fingers trace down Itsukis wet cheeks, across his lips, down his neck… “V-Vincent?” The sun breaks over the horizon as he leans in and kisses Itsuki, softer than anything hes ever done, like it would all disappear any second. Itsukis wings wrap around them, protecting Vincent from the burning light, as his own grows brighter. The hands on Vincents face pull him closer into the kiss. But the tears came faster than he thought. Vincent pulls away from the kiss to breathe and it comes out as a sob. “Oh, Itsuki,” his voice breaks almost instantly, tears streaming down the sides of his face “i didnt know what to do, im sorry, im so sorry! Please dont leave again!” “Never,” was Itsuki’s final word before kissing him again, parting Vincents lips to draw in his breath. Like he was helping Vincent catch it.

The longer they stayed in their embrace, the more Itsuki’s radiance slowly dimmed, until eventually it was gone. He was going to stay. Forever.

#vin x itsuki

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