#it's fun even if it's been a bit difficult for me to stay as motivated lately

[simp4pedropascal75]

Secretary (Javier Peña x Reader)

summary: You graduated from university with dreams of becoming a DEA agent. One year before your graduation, a class trip took you to Colombia, where you met Javier Peña. The two of you quickly bonded over the six months you spent together, but after you left, he grew distant. When you return as a freshly minted DEA agent, you discover that you have not been hired as a DEA agent, but as a secretary.

words: 5.2k

this ff takes place in the late 1980s! (but you still can chat with him? yeah, doesn't make sense)

trigger warnings: 18+, MINORS DNI, age gap(reader in her 20s, Javier in his late 30s), explict language, mentioning of s3x in public, fluff, violence, smoking, being catcalled and harrased by a man, a little bit of angst (?), spoilers of narcos season 1 (?), one mention of y/n

a/n: sorry for taking a while for writing a new ff, but i thank you for over 500 likes on bad guy and also thank you so much for over 108 followers<3 this really keeps me motivated to write.

I also apologize if I mess up the plot of narcos and don't get everything right like it is in the series. English is not my first language and I'm not finished with the series yet. I just finished season 2 episode 3, and lord have mercy with this sex scene of pedro.

But please don't spoiler me in the comments what happens next in the series, thanks<3

And I guess I'll be making a little series out of this, when my creativity is working, what do you think?

i wish you a fun time reading:)

-------------------♡❀˖⁺. ༶ ⋆˙⊹❀♡--------------------

You are finally getting your mark on your uniform from your teacher. You stand there with a proud smile, looking into the crowd and seeing your parents.

You finally graduated from university to be a DEA agent.

Since you were a kid, your dream was always being a DEA agent, just like your dad. Your dad was stationed in Colombia, that’s why you didn’t see him that much, but when you came visiting him or he came home to Miami, he told you about his stories. He told you how he chased drug traffickers, went on missions and all the other stuff. As a kid, it just amazed you.

That’s why you began to train early for being an DEA agent. Since you were 5, you started solving riddles, like: ‘who stole grandma’s cat?’ and so on. When you got older, you loved solving murder, drug cases or already solved cases from your dad, which you had to solve again.

And it was pretty fun… and to be honest, you were god damn good.

That’s why after you finished high school with 19 years, you went to a DEA university. You were lying, if you're saying it wasn’t pretty hard… sometimes, when you were on your lowest, you even thought about quitting. But even if it was difficult, you didn’t want to throw away your dream, so, you kept going.

One year before your graduation, you went to Colombia with your class. You stayed there 6 months and of course your lessons continued there.

You visited the station where your dad was working and that was also the time where the hunt of Pablo Escobar started. And also, the time… well, where you met Javier Peña.

Every Sunday, you and your class were allowed to go to the station and were shown around, got told some stories and some tips how life works as a DEA agent. It was pretty interesting…

and who really made it interesting was Javi.

You and Javier got pretty close for the whole six months. You got friends… well maybe a little more than that…

Of course, you also met his partner Steve Murphy and you got along also, but just as friends.

You didn’t remember exactly how everything with Javier started, but in the first weeks you were going to the station, you and Javi always talked and you two just got along well. Sometimes he would steal you from the rest of the group to show you some more private folders, because he knew how interested you were in all of this… and also, to make out with you.

But expect of how good he kisses… or fucks.

He was there when you needed him.

Unfortunately, in the last month, your dad got injured when he was on a mission with Javier and Steve. Your dad got shot bad in a shooting and when you got the news, Javi was there to comfort you. Luckily, your dad did survive, but he was left incapable of working ever again.

Also, you didn’t ever know, what you and Javier really are. You know, he slept with a lot of women, mostly to gain information for work, but he also stopped sleeping with other women, for the whole six months when he was with you,

well, that’s what Steve told you.

But he never actually asked you if you would be his girlfriend or something… but neither did you.

One time when he showed your class around, the topic was the balance between work and personal life. He told everyone that he personally doesn’t do ‘relationships’ because of work and he isn’t interested in it, he finds it more exciting to get to know many women. And that’s what probably kept you from asking him because you were scared to get rejected.

Of course, you fell in love with him, but you thought he didn’t.

Also, your dad doesn’t know anything about what you and Javier had… and if he would have found out, he would probably fire Javier. Since his incident he was very protective over you and worried about you getting a DEA agent like him.

But nothing got in your way again, even if you were really not feeling great because Javi and you barley had contact after you left.

You kept going.

And now you're finally standing on the stage, proud with your mark on your uniform and even graduated as the class best.

At the evening you begin packing your suitcase for the flight to Colombia. You planned since the beginning of your studies, to go back to Colombia and work at the same station your dad did. You feel excited of the thought that your dream is finally going true. Also… how will it be meeting Javi again?

You sigh at the thought and suddenly your phone vibrates. You grab it and look on the display.

-

Javi

‘heard you graduated, congratulations, hermosa.

-

Your heart skips as he writes you that and you don’t notice how red your cheeks get. He didn’t write you often, nearly never, but when he did, he continued calling you hermosa, cariño,… and all the other names he had for you.

-

you

thanks, agent. maybe I’ll be your boss soon.

Javi

you wish. your dad told me to pick you up at the airport tomorrow.

-

You start to get a nervous feeling in your chest, but also can’t help to smile.

-

you

okay, looking forward for tomorrow then, agent.

Javi

see you tomorrow, cariño.

-

You throw your phone on your bed and lay down next to it. You can’t keep down your butterflies in your stomach. The thought of seeing him again after one year has you smiling, but also getting you even more nervous.

What should I say when he picks me up?

Should you hug him? What if he kisses me?!

God, I really need to know what to talk about, I hate awkward silence.

You think and start panicking. You groan in frustration into your pillow. You grab after your phone and scroll through your chats with Javi.

Your smile fades as you see your calls he didn’t pick up, how he responded to some messages from you after literally one month. Sometimes he didn’t even respond. You know, he has really much work to do and doesn’t have it easy… but seeing how he barley contacted you, makes you feel disappointed… you really thought he would like you back…

Maybe I have to high expectations, you think.

Maybe he doesn’t care so much about that, but you do. You gave him your trust in so many ways…

And with that thought, you get up with a sigh and look frustrated at your closet. You watch at some of your bikinis. “yeah, I think I’m going to take this one”, you mumble to yourself with a smirk, taking the string bikini in his favourite colour.

…

You walk towards the exit with your two suitcases and back bag. As you step out of the airport, you take in the warm, tropical breezes. You feel the air brushing across your skin and hair. The sun’s rays are warm and comforting as they peek through the clouds. You take a deep breath and close your eyes, taking a moment for yourself that you’re finally reaching your dream.

“bienvenido a casa, hermosa.”, you hear a very familiar voice saying and you wince.

“goddammit- you scared the shit out of me”, you say out of breath and then take a moment to look at him. He’s leaned against the car, with a cigarette between his fingers. Your feelings are going insane again. He’s still the same, just like when you left. But… he got a little more muscular.

“really? that’s how you act when we see each other after this long time?”, he chuckles and raises an eyebrow.

“shut up”, you mumble as you roll your eyes and walk towards him. You don’t think about it and just wrap your hands around his neck and pull him into a hug. You hug him tightly and you don’t know why, but your eyes start to get wet. Smelling his scent again of cigarettes, leather and musk… it’s addicting.

As you feel how he pulls you closer by wrapping his hands around your waist, your heart skips.

“missed me?”, he whispers and you sense his smirk. “maybe.”, you answer and even if you don’t want to, you end the hug and go some steps back to take your suitcases.

As you feel a wet drop rolling down your cheek, you immediately wipe the tear away and pull yourself together to give him a happy smile. “would you mind helping me with these?”, you point out your baggage.

Javi chuckles as he takes the last drag out of his cigarette until he throws it away and takes two of your suitcases, putting it into the trunk. “god woman-, how many clothes have you in these?”, he gasps and closes it.

“‘need something to dress, you know”, you chuckle and roll your eyes while going into the car. You expected him to say something like: “around me you won’t have to wear many clothes”, but… obviously he holds himself back.

You take a seat next to him and he starts the engine, drinking away from the parking lot. You roll down the window to let the warm breeze of Colombia fly against you. As you were driving through the city, you couldn’t help but just stare out of the window. “feels good to be here again”, you mumble and notice how much you missed this.

You expected him to say something like: “feels good to have you near me again”, but no… nothing.

After a while you finally hear his voice again. “class’s best huh?”, he chuckles and you roll your eyes. “yeah. my dad told you?, you ask and see him nod. “yeah”

“How’s the situation with Pablo? I watched the news, but they don’t tell much and you never know if they’re telling real shit.”, you ask while looking at all the buildings. You see kids play soccer outside and smile. “He’s a fucking pain in the ass, that’s what I can tell you”, Javier mumbles while concentrating on the road.

“You know, we’ll be working together now, you can tell me?”, you point out and raise your eyebrows.

“Let me say, the situation got worse. It’s true that he killed all these people by blowing up an airplane”, he answers and you gulp when you hear that. “There’s a fuckin’ war right in Colombia.”, he adds.

You see that he’s tense because of this topic. As you take a closer look at his face, you also notice he didn’t get proper sleep for like a whole month. “And… you’re fine?”, you mumble concerned.

“I’m fine, hermosa. Nothing to worry about.”, he answers and drives in the streets of Medellin. You remember now where you are. You see the streets you and your class walked down. You also remember that you will soon drive past an ice cream truck… and memories pop up in your mind.

…

Javier kidnapped you from a trip with your class through the streets of Medellin, again. You were walking down the road, he was right behind you and constantly staring at your ass, because you wore a shorts.

How couldn’t you? It was like 40 degrees in the middle of the day.

A heat wave was surrounding you and the sun was shining right into your face. “you’re not very unobtrusive when it comes to staring, you know.”, you smirk and take a quick look behind you.

“maybe I don’t want to be unobtrusive…”, he says while taking a drag from his cigarette. You roll your eyes at him. You just continue walking and hear a chuckle behind you as you rolled your eyes.

As you keep walking, you spot an ice cream truck. “You know, I really need to cool down now.”, you say and with that you just cross the street, walking towards the ice cream truck. “ice cream, really?”, you hear Javi saying behind you. “You want one too?”, you ask but he shakes his head to no in response.

“Hola señor, me gustaría una cucharada de vainilla y fresa en la oblea, por favor.”, you order in Spanish. You smile proud as the man in the truck understands you and gives you a smile. “Impressing.”, you hear Javier whispering right behind you what makes you laugh. Your Spanish wasn’t actually that bad, when you came to Colombia as a kid to visit your dad, you heard this language all around you. And in school you also had some Spanish lessons.

The man hands you over the ice cream and you hand him the money instead. “Gracias”, you say with a kind smile and then go on the crosswalk again. You and Peña walked to a shady spot, to give you two a break from the burning sun.

You start licking your ice cream from the bottom to the top. And, he was watching you.

He sees how you take long stripes of the ice cream, sometimes licking just the tip. Because of the hot Colombian sun, the ice cream begins to melt quickly.

Drops of ice cream land on your hot, light sweated neck, your thighs and your chin. Then, also on your tank top. “Fuck…,” you mumble and don’t notice how hard you’re making it for Javier. You take your finger, wipe the ice cream away and lick it off your finger.

“goddammit, y/n.”, you hear him cuss quietly, you look at him and notice the bulge on his jeans. “Ops.”, you say innocently and chuckle. You just continue licking your ice cream while looking directly into his eyes. You love teasing him… and always know where it leads you too.

It doesn’t take long to Javier grab your arm and drag you into a small alley. You let your ice cream fall, because of him. “Javi! My ice cream!”, you say literally heart broken like a kid and pout.

Suddenly you feel his tongue licking up the ice cream, which landed on your neck. “Javi, what are you-“, he cuts you off by smashing his lips onto yours. His tongue slips into your mouth, tasting the flavour of your ice cream.

Some minutes later, you find yourself being fucked from behind and pressed against the cold wall.

…

You don’t notice you’re pressing your tights together, but he does. “How about we get some ice cream? I really want to have ice cream now”, you ask with a slight smile on your face. You wanted to see if he remembered, if his body still responses to the memories of you.

And… it does.

He hesitates and wants to disagree. “Please...”, you beg and you know one thing, he can’t resist your begging… well, not for a long time.

You hear him let out a loud sigh, before whispering a quiet: “okay”.

Yup, still works, you think.

He pulls over and parks right next to the ice cream truck. And it’s really the same as one year ago.

You get out of the car and order yourself an ice cream, you feel him looking at you while you’re waiting. After you finally got your ice cream, you come back in the car and buckle up. You took the same flavours as last time. You take a long stripe of the ice cream and let out a soft satisfying moan.

God, how you missed this.

You hear Javier starting the engine quite impulsive and you can’t help but chuckle.

“So, where we’re going?”, you ask while licking your ice cream. “I’ll let you out at your dads old apartment. You can get yourself comfortable there and unpack your suitcases until I pick you up to drive to the station.”, he says tense but focussed on the road. You let out a cute short “okay” and just continued looking out of the window.

After thirty minutes, you arrive at the building where your dad’s old apartment was. You get out of the car and Javier opens the trunk, taking out your suitcases. As you wanted to take the suitcases, Javier has them already in his grip and getting them up the stairs.

“such a gentleman”, you tease and he opens the door of your building. “just get your ass up these stairs”, he says while rolling his eyes and you laugh.

As you two walked up some stairs, you finally arrived at your apartment. He gets out the keys your dad left for you and locks up the door. You walk through the door and immediately look around while Javier is getting your baggage inside. “It’s cute”, you say and walk to the front door, where he’s standing.

“There you go, cariño.”, he hands you over the keys, “‘gonna pick you up at 4, okay?”, you nod in response. “Thanks”, you say to him with a smile before he closes the door and you see him driving away.

You sigh and everything still feels pretty unrealistic. You go on your small balcony, feeling the hot sun burning in your skin. “I’m back, Colombia.”

You started unpacking your suitcase and made yourself comfortable. You took a shower, put a little make up on to cover the rings under your eyes and got yourself a dress. You’re wearing a white tank top with a shorts, since it’s still very hot outside. “I really need to go grocery shopping...”, you mumble when you’re looking in the empty fridge. You grab an apple out your bag pack and take a bite.

You look at the clock and it’s already 4 o’clock. You grab your cardigan, in case it gets colder in the evening and walk down the stairs, going out on the street and looking around for Javier. It doesn’t take long until you see a black Jeep Cherokee driving down the street.

Yeah, that’s him.

He pulls over and is leaned out of the window with a cigarette in his fingers. He’s wearing the same as in the morning, but now with yellow toned sunglasses.

God, he looks fucking hot.

“Ready?”, he asks while taking a drag of his cigarette. “always”, you reply with a smirk and get in the car. As he starts driving, you feel the excitement building up in you. The thought of you finally working and getting your place in a DEA station, makes your heart jump from happinesses. You worked your whole life for this.

You don’t live far away from the station and as Javier was parking, you saw Steve waiting outside. A big smile comes across your face. You two get out of the car and we’re walking towards the entrance.

“Hello, newbie”, Steve chuckles as he pulls you into a hug. “Shut up”, you roll your eyes and hug him back. “good to see you again”, he says as he lets go of you and you give him a smile. “good to see you too”, you reply and suddenly the door opens and Colonel Carrillo comes out.

You’ve seen him not often, just sometimes when your dad talked with him. “Buenos días, señorita Álvarez”, he says and offers his hand for a handshake. You give him a smile. “Colonel Carrillo.”, you nod and shake his hand, as Javi and Steve greet him too. ”also congratulations for graduating”, he says kind but with a stern face. “Follow me”, he says and walks into the station with you three following.

You squeak quietly because of excitement and your heart beats out of your chest. You walk through the hallway, and already seeing the office of the DEA agent, but instead of walking further, Carrillo opens the door to the secretary’s office.

“There you go”, he says and you just stand there confused. But not only you’re confused, you also feel Javier and Steve’s confusing look. “Um… that’s the secretary’s office”, you mumble and Carrillo nods. “Yeah.”, he says confidently. “I’m a DEA agent, sir.”, you point out, still completely confused.

“Oh, your father didn’t told you yet?”, you shake your head to no. “Your dad wanted you to watch first, to get some feeling for the job before working completely as a DEA agent. Also, the case with Pablo Escobar is kind of heavy.”, Carrillo continues explaining and you can’t believe what you’re hearing.

“What.”, you gasp slightly and feeling complete anger flowing through your whole body.

“‘being your boss soon’, huh?”, you hear Javi quoting your message with a chuckle. You find that anything but funny. “Shut the fuck up.”, you growl to him, and then force a smile to Carrillo.

“If you would excuse me for a minute, sir.”, you mumble tensely and get out of the office, walking out of the station and calling your dad. Murphy and Peña follow you outside, watching you walk up and down while holding your cellphone to your ear.

“poor girl.”, Steve sighs while leaning against the wall. “guess daddy is pretty scared for her”, he adds and Javi sighs while lighting up a cigarette, handing the lighter to Steve. “I mean, she isn’t bad… I think she would be a good help for us.”, Javi says while taking a drag of his cigarette while they watch you literally yell into your cellphone.

“Dad what the actual fuck?! You know how hard I worked for becoming an agent, and now you’re hiring me as the fucking secretary?”, you yell upset. “You’re not even working as the Colonel with Carrillo anymore, how can you still decide something like that!?”

“I wouldn’t want to get into an argument with her, that’s clear..”, Steve mumbles as he’s taking a drag of his cigarette too and looks over to Javi, who’s just watching you.

“You’re planning to fuck with her again?”, he asks and laughs slightly. “Shut up, Murphy”, Javi mumbles. “No I mean seriously… I know you like her, man”, Steve says while you’re still yelling into your phone, shortly before throwing it on the street.

“‘dunno… I didn’t reply to her calls, or texts often after she left…”, Javi sighs.

“Wow.”, Steve gasps as he finishes smoking. “You really are an asshole”, Steve points out and claps on his shoulder.

“but seriously, she likes you, Peña. Make it up to her ”, he says seriously while you’re on the edge to destroy your phone. “You really need a woman in your life, man”.

“Dad, I’m fucking 26! I can take care of myself”, they hear and see you scream.

Javi starts thinking about Steve words and finishes his cigarette too.

“she’s not gonna throw her phone, is she?”, Steve asks while raising his eyebrows as he keeps watching you how literally go rage. “If you think that, you don’t know her enough”, Javi just answers and one second later, you hang up and throw your cellphone directly throw it on the ground.

Steve just stays there in shock. “Told you”, Javi chuckles. As Steve sees how you walk towards them, he immediately makes his way into the station again. “‘need to do some paperwork”, he excuses and Javi rolls his eyes at him.

You take a deep breath and walk to Javi. “Well unfortunately my dad thinks I’m incapable of taking care and defending myself, even if I trained my whole fucking life for this.”, you complain and run your hand through your hair.

“'guess being class best and graduating after such a long time, isn’t enough.”, you sigh and try to calm down. Javi just keeps looking at you.

“I’ll talk to him”, he suddenly says and you look at him. “what? with my dad? that won’t help”, you scoff. “No, I mean with Colonel Carrillo. "I have a good rapport with him.”, he tells you and puts his hand into his pockets.

“If it doesn’t help, you can come over to us in secret, going through some folders and stuff”, he suggests and you nod slowly. “yeah…”, you just sigh. “thanks.. “, you add, turn around and take your phone with a pretty broken display from the ground.

“Would you mind driving me to the grocery store? I don’t have my car yet”, you ask after some minutes of silence. He takes a look at his watch. “Well, I have thirty minutes until my shift begins, if you do it quick, then I can drive y-”, he replies while still leaning against the wall. “good, thanks.”, you cut him off and make your way to his car.

…

You're leaned on the card and walk through the market. Your cart is already half full and you’re soon finished. Javi was walking behind you and the whole time his eyes were fixed on your ass, you could feel it.

And that’s why you couldn’t stop smirking. “Stop smirking so much, you’ll get wrinkles”, he chuckles and you make your way towards the checkout. “says the man who’s soon in his 40s”, you tease him back and he laughs.

How much you love his laugh…

When you walk to his car with him carrying your two full grocery bags, he takes a look at his watch again and you hear him cuss in Spanish. “I’m already ten minutes late..”, Javier hisses.

“Oh, I’ll walk the rest. My apartment is not far from here and I have to get my cellphone repaired anyway.”, you say, wanting to take the bags from his hands. “I won’t let you walk home alone on these streets, especially if it’s getting dark.”, he says serious, not handing you over the bags. “I can defend myself, it’s fine. Go to work”, you mumble more seriously and grab your bags, ripping them out of his grip.

“When something happens to you-“, you cut him off. “Go to work”, you shout and make your way on the other side of the street.

You hear him cuss in Spanish behind you and just chuckle. You changed in many ways after one year, but one thing always stayed the same.

Your obstinacy, confidence and trust in your skills.

“maybe if you hadn’t been busy with staring at my ass, you would’ve checked the time earlier.”, you shout with a cheeky smile to him as he goes into his car. You chuckle and hear him drive away.

You know when the whole case about Pablo Escobar wasn’t so serious, you know he would’ve driven you home, but unfortunately it was.

It was getting dark and you made your way to a electronic shop. After you talked with the man behind the counter, he told you, you can pick up your phone tomorrow.

When you got out of the store, it was dark outside and got kinda cold. You wanted to put on your cardigan, but notice that you forgot it in Javier’s car. “fuck..”, you mumble and continue walking with your grocery bags.

A group of men were walking next to you on the other side of the street, beginning to catcall you. You start to feel uncomfortable and walk a little quicker, ignoring them. They were continuing catcalling you, and being a woman, alone on a street while it’s fucking dark, is kind of scary.

But that’s life as a woman, I guess…, you think

But you pull yourself together and remind yourself of your confidence, knowing you would knock the fuck out of them. You were five minutes away from your apartment, but suddenly one of the men decided to switch sidewalks and walk to you.

“Buenas noches, hermosa. ¿Buscas alojamiento?”, he asks while walking next to you.

Someone else calling you hermosa, who’s not Javier, gives you the shivers.

Your Spanish wasn’t perfect, but you think he asked you if you have a place to sleep tonight or something.

You continued ignoring him, and he continues speaking to you, but now you didn’t understand shit… and to be honest, you didn’t want to understand it.

You could sense and smell he’s drunk. “Vete a la mierda”, you tell him to fuck off.

Suddenly he grabs your arm, and that was it. You let fall your grocery bags, grab his hand and kick him right into his balls. He couldn’t react fast enough because of the alcohol, so you also kicked him with your knee right into his face.

You hear a car coming nearer, but ignore it. As the guy lies on the ground, you punch him right in his face. You hear his mates being shocked. “You want too? Come here then!”, you shout challenging, but they didn’t thought twice and ran away.

You just scoff as you see them walking away and bending down to grab to pick up your groceries.

Suddenly, you feel a hand on your back. “Cariño, are you o-“, before your brain can process and recognise that it’s Javier’s voice, you punch him directly into his face. You hear him groan in pain and as you look up, you see his car. “Omg- I’m so sorry-“, you panic and take his hand into your face, looking at his bleeding nose. You take out a tissue of your shorts and hold it against his nose.

“I thought it was someone of these men-“, he cuts you off and takes the tissue himself. “You got a hell of a punch, you know that”, he says while holding the tissue at his nose.

A part of your brain starts thinking, he deserves it. For ignoring you for so long. You start to form s slight smirk on your lips, but then throw the thought away.

“What a secretary I am, huh?”, you chuckle and pick up your groceries. He stuffed the tissue into his nose and then helps you, getting all your groceries together and then lifting up your grocery bags.

“Don’t you have to work?”, you ask him confused because it was just 20 minutes ago when he left. “‘told Carrillo I forgot a folder at home, I can’t let a beautiful woman like you, walk home alone.”, he says while going to his car. “but I have to say, you handled the situation pretty well, he’s completely knocked out.”, he smirks and gets the grocery bags in his car.

As he called you beautiful, you blush slightly and take a seat in his car. “‘didn’t train for nothing, you know”, you giggle while he starts the engine and drives you home.

As you arrive after literally 2 minutes, you take your cardigan and get out of the car. “thank you for still looking for me”, you mumble and put the cardigan on.

“no problem… but I kind of deserved this punch, didn’t I?”, he sighs while you take your grocery bags.

Now you can’t hide your dirty smirk anymore.

“Yeah, you kind of did”, you answer and close his car door.

“‘wish you a good shift then, be careful”, you give him a smile and then walk to the building, getting out your keys. “see you tomorrow, hermosa”, he calls after you and as you walk through the door, you hear him drive off.

...

The next morning you finally got your car and could drive alone. Even if you enjoyed Javier’s as your driver. You get to the DEA station and walk to your office…

You see a sign with your name on your desk, and under it is written: secretary.

Yup, still hate that, you think and let out a loud sigh.

You take a seat on your chair and lean back. After a while some woman comes in and gives you some paperwork, and also a folder that you can catch up with everything. Even if the thought, that you normally could work in the DEA office to take down some of Pablo’s guys, makes you angry, you need to live with it for a while now. And then, you get started…

After some hours you hear a knock on your door. “Come in”, you say loud and as you look up who it is, you roll your eyes. “Agent Peña”, you call him while having the folder in the hand.

“‘The previous secretary was fired because being caught flirting, kissing and sleeping with one of the agents’”, you read out loud and then look up at him. “And who might that be huh?”, you ask serious while raising an eyebrow at him, knowing exactly who it probably was.

“Even if you won’t believe me now, it wasn’t me”, he answers and places a coffee on your desk. You raise your eyebrows at him. And he was right, you didn’t believe him.

But, why should you care? You’re not together or anything… but the thought of him fucking another women, makes you jealous… and kinda sad.

“you’re fucking all your secretaries now, Agent Peña?”, you ask cheeky while being leaned back in your chair. He just chuckles while shaking his head and places his hands on your desk, leaning against it.

“No, just you.”, he answers and you choke on your coffee because you took a sip.

“We’re definitely not fucking and I’m not your secretary.”, you say serious to make a point.

He takes a cigarette from his ear into his fingers and puts it between his lips, while making his way out of your office.

“Yeah, we’ll see about that in some weeks.”

[iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia]

I haven't seen it yet but full hc for the m6 with an MC on the ADHD spectrum

The Arcana HCs: M6 with an MC who has ADHD

~ @themushroomgoesyeet hope you like these! I'm writing half from personal experience, half from what I've read and heard. Please let me know if there's anything that need correcting! ~

Julian

ADHD is a less familiar subject for him, if only because his areas of specialty so far have been contagious diseases and battle wounds

He's also not really one to judge you for difficulty keeping a sleep schedule, self-medicating with caffeine, or spending days on end obsessively learning everything you can about a specific subject

What's abundantly clear to him, though, is that you do not deserve to live with the guilt that comes from your own brain hijacking every commitment and interest that it doesn't prioritize

He knows what it's like to feel guilty for something that wasn't your fault, and he doesn't like seeing you live with it

The way he sees it, he's even more to blame for his shortcomings than you are, because you're actively working against your own brain and he's just ... sad (you'll have to tell him that this is not true)

This is going to become one of those shared challenges you tackle together as a couple

He'll write down all the bad effects of too much caffeine to motivate him to reduce your combined intake

You remind him to go to bed with you at a decent hour and call it "poetry time" instead of "bedtime" to trick both of your brains into not thinking of it as the end of the day

Asra

They love you. They love you so much. They never, ever want to get in the way of your preferences and vision

He enables you maaaybe a little more than he should

Staying up late is a great idea! Spending the entire day on your current fixation with no break to go outside or talk to people? Hey, don't let them ruin your fun ~

Thankfully, he cares about you far too much to leave you to engage in anything genuinely self destructive

Once the amount of caffeine you've consumed goes from "inadvisable" to "concerning," once your sleep schedule goes from "not ideal" to "dysfunctional", they'll step in in the gentlest way

Another cup of coffee? Let him get you some soothing tea. Another all-nighter? Snuggle him first, let him help you meditate a bit and see if you don't get drowsy

Nobody can combat executive dysfunction like this magician

All it takes is them feeling the slowly building dread through your bond, and they're lovingly poofing you off of the couch/floor/counter and into a very ticklish hug

His lifestyle is heavily ADHD coded as it is. He remains completely unfazed by the roller coaster that your brain can be

Nadia

To her, you are the best possible version of her opposite

She has a hard time changing between trains of thought. You reboot yours every time you walk through a door!

She sometimes forgets to slow down and appreciate the small things in favor of the bigger picture. You, on the other hand, are constantly pausing to notice them

And don't get her started on how much she admires your capacity to learn so much specialized knowledge in such a short period of time. It's truly astonishing and she adores it

However, she can tell that leaving it unchecked and untreated will make it difficult for you to function in the Palace's normal setup, much less follow regular routines

Quick to find a specialist in your condition and set up a few sessions with them, coming up with ways to work with your diagnoses and exploring medication options that you like

Insanely good at helping you keep your mind on track and regulate your attention and focus levels, even when it means pulling you away from a task that's about to eat up half your day

Likes to idly study the chaotic way you manage your personal spaces and try to figure out what the method to the madness is

Muriel

What, you think he's not used to living with a chaotic being that'll start three projects in a row before randomly walking out and not reappearing for several hours? Please.

Truthfully, there are some small things that annoy him. He likes predictability, and your base state of functioning is taking the next random tangent. That's not easy to not worry about

However, he knows that living with him takes plenty of patience as well. As long as you two can be patient with each other's quirks, and respectful when you lovingly intervene, that's what matters

He still loves hearing you ramble

He likes watching your eyes light up, listening to the excited lilt of your voice as you infodump all the new specialized knowledge you've gobbled up

That aside, he does love learning. Each of your new fixations is a new field of education for him by proxy

He's also someone who thrives on habit and routine and isn't afraid to put his foot down when your wellbeing is involved

He will scoop you up in his arms and lovingly carry you to bed when the bags under your eyes get too prominent and you start to nod off mid-sentence

Portia

Portia looks at you like you hung the moon. Portia thinks that every magical thing you do is mind-blowingly amazing. Portia assumes that all of your little quirks and non-habits are just you being you

Hey, if finding one specific food and eating it and only it for days on end is something you want to do, cool! Maybe it's secretly satisfying some magician's craving!

You're going to think about one thing and one thing only and learn everything there is to know about that thing? That's some badass scholarly behavior right there.

Well - except for the part where you forget something exists as soon as it's not in your hand anymore, or where time really does seem like a social construct, or where you somehow get physically and mentally stuck in one spot without being able to move

That looks ... miserable

Nobody can manage chaos like she can. She'll help you snap out of it, she'll remind you to eat and sleep and take your meds, she'll regularly ask when last you went outside or took a bath

And when you mess up - when you miss an event, or fall behind schedule, or leave things to pile up until they're too much - she'll be right next to you with an encouraging smile and plenty of grace

Lucio

This works either really well or really poorly, depending on the day, how he's doing, how you're doing, what you're both supposed to be doing, what the weather's like ...

It's unpredictable, but that's the fun of it!

Much of the time, your strong points support each other. There are few feelings Lucio hates more than boredom, but with a brain like yours around, there's always something new to try or think about

Few things cause the kind of bone-deep discouragement and guilt that constantly missing things does, but nobody values the importance of trying again like he does

On the other hand, sometimes you accidentally enable each other

Lucio's still learning the self-regulation involved with choosing to do something unpleasant and important over doing something enjoyable and completely useless

And if your brain decides that said pleasant thing is the only thing it's going to function for, well, not getting sidetracked is almost impossible. Good luck to you both

Thankfully, you both have a lifestyle that allows for unusual schedules and working styles. As long as you have each other to keep trying growing, you'll never get stuck for long

[thepeachyfaerie]

STOPPING EARLY ACCESS

Hey everyone, I hope everyone is doing well!

I have made the decision to stop releasing CC for early access. Starting July, all CC will be immediately public upon release.

There are a lot of factors that led to this and it's been something I've been debating for a while.

When I started making CC back in 2020, I didn't know very many creators and all the people I did know were either on TSR or on Patreon doing early access. I was unemployed at the time and decided it would be fun to do early access for my CC and make a little bit of side money while I searched for a job. Nothing really came of my Patreon, I think I made like $30 a month at most, until the 21st Birthday collab with EA came out in February 2021. After that, things kinda took off in a way. I got a lot more attention than I think I expected or was prepared to have, and while it was amazing, it also put an odd pressure on me. I struggled extremely heavily with imposter syndrome (I still do), thinking I didn't deserve that opportunity and it should've gone to someone more established in the community.

CC-creating became my job. I was making about $200 a month while unable to work due to deteriorating mental and physical health. I was in an extremely bad place mentally and wanted desperately to have CC-making become my career because I thought it would be better than an in-person job. In some ways, it was. However, in other ways, it introduced new issues.

I think starting in 2022 I was struggling a lot with motivation. I felt pressured to constantly make content to the point where I started doing the opposite. I love making CC but it got to the point where I was dreading it because I knew I HAD to do it, if that makes sense. I monetized a passion of mine, put insane pressure on myself, and I crumbled. Whenever I would do anything other than make CC, I would guilt myself so hard for not being productive.

Then the "paywall/early access" debacle happened in mid-2022. If you weren't there, basically EA had updated their TOS to ban permanent paywalled CC, however it was phrased in a way that made it seem like early access CC wasn't allowed. Many people, myself included, stopped doing early access CC to respect this. However, not even a week later, they updated their TOS to allow early access CC with a reasonable time frame (which has generally been understood to be 2-3 weeks, which I've always kept it within that time frame). Some creators stayed without early access, while others implemented it again, one of those people being myself. 

This... caused a lot of backlash, lmao. A LOT of people online were very upset with anyone who did this. In my eyes, I was doing early access to support myself through college while disabled and unable to work a "normal" job. To these people, I was greedy and taking advantage of the community. I got so, so many hate messages and death threats in my Tumblr inbox that I turned off anon messages, and to this day I still have anxiety every time I see a new message because I'm positive it's going to be hate.

I even got called out by name on a few occasions, which was definitely something difficult to handle while already in mental health crisis. One specific person was very angry I was putting Re/Gshade presets behind early access. 

I want to make something very clear. I understand. I understand how frustrating it is to not be able to get something you want immediately. I understand that The Sims 4 is just a game. I understand where these people are coming from because I know I've gotten disheartened when I saw someone had a piece I NEEDED but it was in early access. It's frustrating! However to me, I saw it as monetizing my hard work and time. I still think that's justified, however I know a vast majority of this community does not. That does not mean that the hate and aggression directed towards me was justified. At the end of the day, I'm still a person who loves The Sims 4, loves creating, and wants to share it with the world.

There was also the issue of reuploading. I know it's inevitable, people will share early access CC no matter what. I tried to tell myself that the only people downloading it were people who wouldn't pay for my CC anyway, so there was no harm done. In actuality, I noticed my patron number dropping. But at the end of the day, the money doesn't matter to me. It was the principal of the act. I felt really disrespected and like my hard work and energy meant nothing to people. I KNOW that wasn't intended by anyone downloading from these places, but I'm a very sensitive person and it still hurt. 

At the end of the day, I know that early access CC is hurting me more than it's helping me. I know that sounds dramatic and maybe it is, but I need to prioritize my mental health. I'm going into my 3rd year of college next fall and I need to start planning for when I graduate.

Will this change in the future? Probably not. I love making CC and I want it to stay that way. I don't know if uploads will be consistent at this point, if they'll increase or decrease, etc. I'm going to try my best but I want to work with myself and allow myself time and breaks if I need it.

All tiers will be converted to donation-only, although I will still offer my one-click CC folder for the $3.50 tier. 

Apologies that this got kind of personal, I've been ruminating on this for months and needed to get it off my chest. Again, I'm a very sensitive person, always have been, and at the end of the day my mental health matters more than any money I could make.

[dream-meister-translations]

DREAM MEISTER & THE RECOLLECTED BLACK FAIRY

KAI - VOICE COLLECTION

━

"Ugh. Professor Est's assignment is so incredibly difficult. It's giving me a headache."

"Hey, you feeling okay? You're not pushing yourself too hard, are you?"

"Take a break today, it'll be fine."

"If you ever feel unwell, don't hesitate to rely on me."

"I'll make sure you recover properly."

"How's your health? Your body is your most valuable asset."

"If you feel any discomfort, let me know."

"Don't push yourself too hard. I'll heal everyone. Radiant light."

"Damn…I still have a lot to learn."

"We should make some medicine together later. I'll make sure to heal you properly."

"This is the first time Magia Seminar has ever had a Guild Keeper. If you ever run into any problems, just let me know.

"Leave injuries and illnesses to me."

"Don't neglect your efforts to stay healthy, okay?"

"You've really settled into the guild. Your support is great, I'm relying on you."

"Watching you makes me feel like I can't lose. It's seriously motivating…Keep up the good work!"

"The desire to help someone is the same for both doctors and Guild Keepers right? So many you and I will get along well."

"Between lectures and patient treatment, there's a mountain of things to do, but we can't afford to stop here."

"As long as you're here, I can chase my dreams without hesitation."

"Alright, let's start another day of medical care!"

"If you're not feeling well, it throws me off too. That's why I want you to let me nurse you back to health."

"Taking a leisurely stroll is good for your health. How about going for a walk today, Emma?"

"Ah, it's been a while since I took a walk! Let's have a good dinner tonight and get to bed early…"

"I've got quite a few piercings, you know. Even though I'm a doctor. Do you think it's a bit too flashy?"

"Did it hurt getting my piercings? Not at all."

"My piercings are like my good luck charms. I try not to lose them, but sometimes they vanish and it gets me all worried."

"Actually my little sister bought me these piercings. Pretty cool, right?"

"Could it be that you're thinking about getting a piercing too? If you do, make sure to disinfect properly."

"If you're scared, I can give you a piercing myself. I know how to make it painless."

"Hobbies, huh? That's a sudden one. Well, I enjoy going on little food adventures."

"I like hanging out with Ange. Even though she doesn't like me that much. At least I'm more liked than Sion, right?"

"I'm really into card games too. People often say it makes me childish, but what can I say, I like what I like."

"But you know, the best thing is when I'm learning with the others at Magia Seminar. Like when we decipher Sensei's cryptic lessons, or I mess around with Sion. It's a blast."

"Now that you're here, it's even more fun."

"It's kind of unsettling when someone's checking your pulse, right? Oh, wait, is that just me?"

"Your arm is pretty slender, isn't it? Are you eating properly? If I put too much pressure, it might just snap."

"You want me to check more? Is it that much fun for you? Haha, sometimes you act like a kid."

"Here, let me see your wrist. Huh? Did your pulse just speed up a bit? Why is that?"

"Your face is kinda red, too…Do you have a cold? Hmm…Doesn't seem like it."

"Doing this…It reminds me of the old n' days when I used to wander around aimlessly just for fun. Huh? Oh, I'll tell you about it sometime."

"Ah, I've been sitting in the clinic all day, so it feels nice to stretch my body. Alright, where are we heading today?"

"Huh? Is my hat a bit crooked? Weird. I thought I was wearing it like I always do. Anyway, thanks."

"Hats are pretty cool, right? They can hide bedhead in an instant, and, most importantly, they look stylish!"

"Whenever you reach up to fix my hat it's so cute. Haha."

"Heh, my bad. From now on, I'll squat down so you can fix my hat. Thanks."

"You know what, since we're talking about it, let's buy you a hat! We'll pick one out together!"

"Ah, thanks for the massage, you're a lifesaver, seriously. I've had a string of consultations lately, and I was getting really stiff and uncomfortable."

"Ah, your thumb is hitting just the right spot, right below the shoulder-blades."

"Whoa, that feels…Mmm…You're quite skilled, aren't you?"

"Your arm must be getting tired, right? Let's switch and I'll give you a massage. Just so you know, I'm really good at this."

"Damn, you're super tense. Been accumulating stress, huh? Even if you're busy, don't push yourself too hard."

"I've been relying on you for everything. I'll gladly give you a shoulder massage anytime. Just ask without hesitation, okay?"

"Thanks. Mmm…It's incredibly tasty! Want a taste of mine?"

"Hey, aren't you a bit too close? It's not that I dislike it, but well, it's just making me a bit nervous…"

"You must be tired. I can tell just by looking at your face. Don't push yourself, please."

"Being with you is a really soothing experience."

"Hey, what do you say we don't head home just yet? Let's take a detour."

"Sorry, I just don't feel like letting you go just yet. I'd like to spend a little more time alone together."

"You're quite assertive sometimes, you know? It's not that I mind, but…I can't help but worry about if you're this intimate with anyone other than me."

"Your hand is so soft…I didn't mean it that way!"

"You don't want to let go? That's a cute thing to say…Alright, let's keep walking hand in hand."

"Normally, I wouldn't let anyone touch my eyes, but with you it's perfectly fine. It's really strange, isn't it?"

"What's that? My eyes are beautiful? Aren't you going too far with that flattery?"

"I have dark circles under my eyes? Well, it doesn't bother me. Besides, even if I am tired, you're here to comfort me."

"Make sure you only show this side to me, okay? I don't want anyone else seeing you so defenseless."

"You know, being with you really lifts my spirits. I'd like to be your personal doctor. Haha, what am I even saying!"

"Wait, is this…A birthday present?! Even though you're so busy, you still made time to get me something? Oh man, I'm so happy I can't help but smile."

"Listen, Emma, a person only has two arms…Haha, I appreciate it, but really, it's too much."

Gift (Likes) : "Oh, I love this! My spirits just went through the roof! Thanks a bunch!"

Gift (Likes) : "Wait, you got this for me?! Woah! I'm honestly so happy about it. Um, how should I return the favor?"

Gift (Neutral) : "Oh, what's this? You got it for me? Thanks, I'll gladly take it!"

Gift (Dislikes) "Uh, well…You know, I was hoping for something a bit different. Did you maybe forget something?"

-

KAI : Hey, Oboro, there's a dried fruit mentioned in this book, but I'm having trouble with the drying process. Can you help me out?

OBORO : Before relying on others, did you make an effort to research it yourself? I won't lend my wisdom to a slacker like you.

-

KAI : I'll make sure I get a better score on the next assignment than you do…! Prepare yourself, Sion!

SION : You never get tired of saying that, do you? How about learning at least one magic circle while you're busy bickering with me?

-

KAI : Huh!? Est-sensei, you put chili peppers in the coffee again…? Consuming too many stimulants isn't good for you! It's not healthy!

EST : Actually, I feel much better with a little spice…Why don't you try it, Kai? If you get injured, let me know right away.

-

KAI : Don't slow me down, Sion!

SION : That's my line, you single-celled organism!

-

KAI : I'll heal you. So show them what you're made of.

OBORO : I'm not thrilled about this.

-

KAI : Hey Sion, you have a scratch. Let me heal it.

SION : Heal your own injuries first!

[1moremilgram-enjoyer]

Deep Cover and YONAH spoilers!

First impressions time! (Looking at this translation for Deep Cover, this one for YONAH). Btw I actually haven't listened to Deep Cover yet because it's not out in my time-zone rip.

Add plagiarism to the list of crimes committed by Milgram prisoners lol. I actually love the Undercover callback it's fantastic! And the diss track? Eminem got nothing on wolf girl over here.

But this does raise the question of how much she actually knows about the murders. Like, she talks about very specific things such as Shidou being a "priceless stealer", so she has to know something. I saw someone bring up she may have been spying on all the interrogations, and I have to assume that's the case because how else would that happen.

I'm really interested in the fact Kotoko seems to want everyone to be Unforgiven, though.

Which one do you pick? I want unforgiven

And the fact at the end she lists all the T1 innos and insults them, as if she wants them to be Unforgiven too. Like, I get it, she enjoys feeling like she's dealing out justice, but what. I hope the MV clarifies a bit more because right now she just sounds unhinged. Which is fun! I like characters who are just unrepentantly evil. But I get the feeling there's something more going on. We already know some of her motivations from HARROW, but you have to wonder if they've evolved in some way during her time in Milgram.

Speaking of the MV, my prediction is not only that the other prisoners are gonna be there, which I have to assume will happen-

(Please show Amane as a monster please show Amane as a monster please show Amane as a monster)

-Ehem. Apologies. I don't know what possessed me there for a moment.

You wanna know the wildest prediction I have for the MV? (Which is most likely going to be wrong don't get too excited) It think every prisoner's crime will be related to one of the crimes we saw in HARROW, and perhaps others we'll get introduced to in Deep Cover.

Shidou: “UNDER” Unsalvagable Priceless stealer.

Probably the guy that stole a bunch of luxury bikes, since it fits the idea of stealing from a lot of people.

Kazui: “UNDER” I stay hidden, fake prosperity and greed.

Either Mikio Oshii (the guy from the alleway), who pretended to be a bank employee to steal money, or the "It's me" scammers, who called people, pretended to be a family member and asked for money.

Fuuta: You’re being a jerk. You’re being a jerk.

Either the "It's me" scams, or the guy who took upskirt photos, because they're connected to phones.

Haruka: “UNDER” It’s a stupid dependency. Muu: “UNDER” Unchanging. A spinning queen’s game. Mahiru: I still like you though, still like you, it’s difficult.

One of these would be the paper bag robbery done by two people. I don't know about this one, but I think it kinda works.

Mikoto: I really don’t remember, I really don’t, it’s so bad.

It could be the guy who took upskirt photos since he said he did it because of stress from work, but knowing Kotoko, I wouldn't be surprised if she connects him and John to the serial killer in the white hoodie. She does not like them.

I'm not sure about the rest of them. Again, that's just a silly prediction, I'm not expecting it to happen, I'm just putting it out there because if it does happen I will feel like a God lol.

About YONAH, I'm slightly disappointed we didn't get much about Kotoko herself, but it's still really good! I think it's fun that she sorta encouraged Es to Forgive at the end of TASK and now she's like "yo your weak-ass needs to stop forgiving people."

But I do want to say, I'm surprised at the amount of people who are shocked Kotoko wanted to attack Amane. Like, we even had that one timeline conversation when she said she wouldn't treat Amane differently just because she's a child. I thought we had an universal understanding that the only reason Amane wasn't attacked is because of the Kazui ceasefire and John's time-wasting fight (and out of universe, because we can't have a character dying in T1). I guess I was wrong though. Anyways, Worst Girl enjoyers are rejoicing right now. Not gonna lie, this is making me like Kotoko more and more by the second. I don't know what that says about me.

Anyways, what do you think Kotoko's percentage will look like on the day the voting opens? Not her verdict since... well. Like, I was always expecting her to Guilty sweep, but what we have so far doesn't really help her. I would not be surprised if she ends up easily beating Muu as the widest Guilty margin. Hell, do you think it can beat Shidou as the most decisive verdict in general? I think it's unlikely, since Shidou got nearly 82% inno this trial which is insane. But honestly, unless Deep Cover MV does some insane leg-work, Kotoko might get more than 82% Guilty. I think it'd be funny.

Not like I'm gonna stop it. Sorry inno truthers, I highly respect your commitment to wolf girl and fully respect the decision, but I feel like Not Forgiving her this trial would be for the best. Still, I'm open to having my mind change when the MV drops. Take care!

[livsspecialinterests]

don't really know what I'm writing or why but it's 0350am and I'm sitting in bed unable to get back to sleep having a weird slight panic

idk whether I'm feeling a bit of a writing slump because I know that the dead should stay dead still has quite a way to go and some part of me worries that by the time I've gotten at the very least to the next big plot point a lot of people may very well have lost interest in the fandom

like I know it's silly because there's probably always going to be some sort of fandom around BJTM but this little community means so much to me and has meant so much to me during a really difficult and life altering time, I mean for gods sake I started writing fics to try to figure out my own meltdowns

plus at this point I really have no other strong interests, idk maybe I'll get super into Doctor Who again with the specials and the new series starting but I've really gone hard on the One Interest

I really love the last few chapters of the dead should stay dead but it's felt a bit different writing them. maybe it's because I feel a little guilty spending whole days on chapters when I've got so much that I need to do for work (I know it sounds sad but there's exams, portfolio etc), plus I'd really like to give writing original fiction another go

there's also that gnawing fear that the fandom is going to like... vanish, which again is probably not true in its entirety but once the tour ends I can see some people falling off or finding another thing

also people leaving or drifting away from the fandom is a completely okay thing to do I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad if that's what they want to do

it's also not to say that people are obliged to engage with or comment on my fics or hell even read them, of course no one *has to* do anything in fandom it's a bunch of people just having fun

I know I should just write for my own fun and enrichment but external validation is nice, okay? plus these past few weeks the external validation and thinking 'no, I want to write this for the people who are reading the fic and want to know what happens next' have been big motivators

my main motivator used to be this absolutely unstoppable creative drive and love for the show and it's characters (which is still there, I'm unfortunately going to love this silly show until the day I die I think) but this past week I've found that I'd rather study for my work exams than spend time writing a few paragraphs

if I cool it off a little with the frequency of chapter updates it'll probably be a net good for me, I really need to buckle down and get these exams passed, I need to start actually engaging in planning my career because I think in my head I've been thinking I might get a book published one day and as a result I've been sort of half neglecting the actual really decent career I've got

but also my mental health is so much better, I've mostly healed from a lot of my late diagnosed autistic trauma, plus work is actually quite good right now?

maybe more of my writing for BJTM fics was motivated by being mentally ill than I originally thought, and maybe I don't *need* to write fics anymore but I want to and I want to still love writing fics as much as I did back when I was having that difficult time, where it was a huge personal comfort to be able to write Beej having a hard time in very specific ways and have other people comfort him

I have said to my husband that I'll probably cool it with the fics once I've finished the dead should stay dead and am going to focus my creative energy on something original to see where that goes but there's still so much to go on the dead should stay dead..

that silly little fic has become like my baby, I want to write it all, flesh out the characters before the next Big Thing happens, I want to do my ideas justice but I also want to make sure there are people still in the fandom to read it once I get to that point

again I'm super tired it's the middle of the night and I'm rambling, I don't want to imply that anyone reading this should carry on reading something they don't enjoy, and I don't even think the number of people reading the fic has even gone down, I've just woken up this morning full of dread for the fandom changing because, fandom and interests wise, BJTM is kind of all I've got right now.

I didn't really belong to a fandom for years after BBC Sherlock ended and I realised while watching the 4th series that it wasn't that good there was just a very passionate fan base and that's what I likes (I know, I know), BJTM was the first thing I got really into for ages and the first thing I got really into while figuring out what it was that I got *really into* stuff (autism)

obviously no one has to stick around in a fandom for the benefit of a silly autistic fanfic author whos terrified of change, and please, please don't think that's what I'm implying or what I want

ughh idk what I'm even writing, I should probably just reach out more to people but doing that is scary without the buffer of a fic

I should also probably invest more time in doing stuff irl but I know that no hobby gives me the joy that writing gives me, like when I'm really vibing with something there really are few better things for me than being safe at home and writing

also maybe I should try to get into some other stuff but I don't really want to but equally I know the BJTM fandom isn't going to last forever I just.... 🙃

the silly musical and the silly community that has sprung up around it and making art and writing fics for it has saved me in so many ways I'm just scaaarrreedddd (and also tired and typing this at 4am so I might be being dramatic for nothing, plus I know I struggle with assuming any fleeting emotion is going to last forever, maybe I'll feel different in a weeks time idk)

anyway I'm going to try to get a little bit more sleep because I've got to be up for work at 6 for my actual grownup job that I should probably pay more attention to

(this is also totally not some way to subtly say I'm not going to finish the dead should stay dead BTW, I love that fic and I'm proud of what it is and what I've got planned for it, so to the people who are still reading please don't worry 💜)

[dovithedarklord]

Age of Monsters - Chapter Seven

Pairing: OFC x Simon "Ghost" Riley, OFC x König

Tags: Slow Burn, Slow Build, Enemies to Lovers, Alternate Universe, Blood and Gore, Blood and Violence, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, POV First Person, Not Beta Read, Medical Inaccuracies, Military Inaccuracies, AFAB OC

Trigger Warning: The story will contain violance, blood and smut in detail. Please, keep that in mind!

⚠️MDNI⚠️

...................................

Author's Note

Leona and the small team reflect on the past over a drink. And this is the last calm moment before the storm.

Hello!

I don't have a separate trigger warning for this chapter. There is only a pleasant conversation going on to make the past clearer :D

Have fun!

I.M.L. - Infected mammalian lifeform.

if you're interested you can find the story on AO3: Chapter Seven

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I stroll through the maze of the base with springy steps, and my lightness is further enhanced by the fact that during the night, I finally managed to make up for all the minutes of sleep I missed so far, which was topped by doing nothing for the rest of the day. Thanks to my beauty sleep and long relaxation, the vitality seems to have found its way back into my body, and it almost feels strange to finally exist without pain, injuries, and tension within the walls of this god-forsaken establishment. Of course, it’s also undeniable that such a healthy glow graced my face after escaping the clutches of death, which would've been difficult to achieve with other means. And while at first I thought that my exciting little adventure yesterday would at least haunt me a bit, I was positively disappointed in my own subconscious, because it didn’t entertain me with any horrific images in my dreams. After my favorite masked Hunter and I rolled back between the safe walls of the base, I was convinced that even though I had experienced or committed certain types of violence, and I was by no means an angel, I lived with the suspicion that my struggle for survival would leave a deeper mark on me. But nothing else remained after the incident, only the sparks of my enlightenment, which still glow vividly in my mind even now, on my way to Price's office.

The revelations that came with my newfound wisdom were only solidified when I saw the reception committee made up of my two cheerleader boys after our arrival, who welcomed my dirty, bloody, and most of all, worn-out person with the right amount of shock and concern. And from the mixture of surprise and worry on their faces, the warmth in my rough little soul, which I had tried to forget before with every fiber of my being, was renewed. And as MacTavish, cursing in a voice distorted by his strong accent, observed my state that was light years away from pleasant, and as Garrick firmly assured me that they would not torture me to death the next day, it was once again confirmed in me, that it was a good idea to come back and stay with this team.

As I turn into one of the corridors swimming in the light of the setting sun, my destination appears in front of me, to which I received a rather mysterious invitation from the captain during the morning, who didn't bother to explain his intentions as to why he would like to disrupt my day off. Of course, I have a hunch that he's curious about the details of my outing with Riley, and I'm almost glad he called me to have a chitchat, because, despite my revelations, I still have questions that I'd like to ask him. I'd like to believe that my entire field trip was just a figment of the masked Hunter's brain, and that he was behind the plan just by himself, but what kind of superior would Price be if such mischievous things could happen without his knowledge? And the realistic side of my brain demands to know the reason why the bearded man thought it was a good idea to send me into the wilderness for a survival game. Of course, my soul was filled with motivation to selfishly soak up the kindness potentially directed at me and to behave in a slightly nicer way from now on, but I didn’t become a saint overnight, and I didn't forget that I owed this new experience to some kind of agreement.

I knock on the door of Price's office when I arrive and stop in front of it, and when I hear a loud "Come in!" filter through, I wrap my fingers around the doorhandle and open the entrance to the Hunter's cave. And as my eyes take in the picture unfolding in front of me, my eyebrows rise in interest from the small group waiting for me in the room. The Hunters glance at me almost simultaneously as my arrival interrupts them from whatever they were doing in their rather intimate solitude around Price's huge table. And suddenly I have the sneaking suspicion that I've fallen into something that I'm not sure I want to have anything to do with. Especially if I was pulled away from the joys of my already rare me-time due to some work-related nonsense.

"Woods!" MacTavish springs up from his place next to Price's table with intense enthusiasm, and with a huge smile on his face, he beckons me in, inviting me inside. I am no longer surprised by the man's raging energy, but now it somehow irritates me less than when he conveys the same image toward my suffering person from the side of some training site. "Our little survivor has arrived!" The man states, emphasizing my brand new status, and the irrational glee that dominates his features dispels the suspicion that arose in me at the sight of the team.

"I hope I didn't drag myself this far for a meeting, because if I did, I'll stab someone." I note seriously, but I'm not able to get rid of the slight impudence in my voice, because the eager cheerfulness emanating from the Scottish man inevitably transfers to me. And as I step inside and close the door behind me, and my eyes continue to wander to the glasses resting on the table, I'm starting to realize that luckily, I didn't show up in this lovely late afternoon hour for the torture I assumed would take place. And the speculation arises in me that maybe, just maybe, this small gathering was organized in my honor.

At my statement, the faces of the Hunters present also light up with amusement, and it does not escape my attention, as I examine them more closely, that, unlike usual, they have now all put on strangely average clothes. Gone is the usual little hat from Price's head, and none of my little torturers have their tactical vests on, which they normally throw on at every opportunity. And because of this, the atmosphere of the whole office gradually becomes more informal, and I am suddenly glad that my day will truly only be about accumulating pleasures.

"Maybe another time." Says Price with a reassuring smile on his face, and as he pulls out a bottle, presumably full of whiskey, from one of the bottomless drawers of his desk, my mood suddenly notably improves. "Now we're celebrating!" He announces easily, and in order to support his intention, he unscrews the cap of the pre-conjured bottle to pour the golden liquid into the glasses situated on the table with practiced movements, which elicit voices of agreement from his other little companions. This is probably one of the rare occasions when they can take a little break from their strict daily life as a Hunter, so it's no wonder that the sight of booze can bring out such heat from his buddies.

"Aye, that's right! Now that you're finally on the mend, we have to celebrate that you came back in one piece!" MacTavish gives his reasoning of the motive for the small party, still grinning, and then quickly reaches for the glass he's chosen for himself, with at least as much vehemence as if he hadn't enjoyed such delicacies in a long time. Which is probably the case, but I can't decide whether it's the alcohol or the promise of celebration that gets him so excited.

"Since we can't leave the base now, we brought the pub here!" Garrick explains, eagerly taking one of the glasses full of alcohol from the middle of the table, which looks temptingly real and presumably doesn't cause blindness. And I understand his zeal, because it's really rare when someone gets hold of anything other than shit made in the basement from pills and who knows what chemicals, and puts their greedy little hand on a drink left over from the memories of the old days. This further reinforces my intuition that today's little assembly is a significant event, because even if Price might have obtained the whiskey as a reward for one of his heroic deeds, it's still a rare delicacy that you don't just guzzle out of boredom. And because of this, for some reason, that fuzzy tingling feeling fills my stomach in a disturbing way once more, which starts to annoy me to the extreme with its completely unjustified appearances, since it weakens the success of maintaining my collected and relaxed image.

"It's very kind of you, to sacrifice your office for something like this, captain." I look up at the aforementioned person, who, accompanied by a suggestive smile, chooses a victim from among the glasses left in the middle of the table, and for a moment I realize that there's a nicely poured drink left not only for me, but also for a surprise person as well. Of course, this starts a very unpleasant sinister feeling in me as to who else they would like to invite to this charming event. And since my battery for tolerating social interactions hasn't really recovered from yesterday's stressful experiences, I'm rather reluctant to accept the idea of hanging out with someone other than the little team present.

"You've gone through an unusual ordeal. It's fitting to toast with a good whiskey." Price interrupts my increasingly suspicious observations, and he grabs one of the glasses with ease and holds it out to me, so that he can provide me with the celebratory refreshment. I accept the drink intended for me with perhaps more enthusiasm than necessary, and as its full-bodied, bitter aroma reaches my nose, I forget about my annoyance for a moment. Of course, this doesn't last long, because I become quite aware of the fact that the captain just has let me know rather mischievously that he had a very active hand in my little tour.

"That’s true. Now all I'm interested in is whose brilliant idea it was in the first place." I share my doubts with the people present, with a rather indifferent expression on my face, because I want them to believe that despite the fact that I almost kicked the bucket in that fucking forest, I'm such a badass that it won't leave a lasting mark on me. Which is true to some extent, but the new me who came to life while running for my life and beating the mutant to a pulp, and who was capable of doing anything to stay alive, won’t disappear into the shadows of the past anytime soon. And because of this, the whole situation will live vividly in my mind for a while.

My concerns hit my new drinking buddies unexpectedly, and as their eyes meet for a moment, it is already quite clear to me that, albeit to a different degree, each of them had an involvement in the organization of my outing. I plop down on one of the chairs, suppressing the barrage of insults on the tip of my tongue, because even though I'm aware that testing my loyalty was a completely logical step on their part, it still doesn't alleviate the disappointment that somehow, and rather inexplicably rears its head in me. Since it means, the rational voice was right when it whispered to me that the trust shown to me was as fragile as a fancy Chinese porcelain vase.

"Perhaps you should ask him this question." The captain points towards the entrance of his office with his head, and his face has such a suspicious expression that it doesn't make me calmer at all.

But before I could delve into the eyeballing of the Hunters', and before I could start further questioning, I'm interrupted by the opening of the door, and I, forgetting about my gloom, turn towards the person incoming. The tall figure appears on the threshold, whom it would be difficult to mistake for anyone else, and for a moment it is difficult for me to understand why he turns up to such a cheerful occasion. But then, as he enters the scene of the small private party and the door closes behind him, I realize that Riley has also decided to pay his respects at the small gathering, which could even count as an honor if I consider how much time he wanted to spend in my vicinity outside of training. But the details of yesterday afternoon's intermezzo in front of the hut reflexively pop up in me again, which sufficiently overturns the confidence I felt until now. Up to a point, I had effectively forgotten about the situation caused by my little trap, which had developed between us in the intimacy of nature's soft lap, but now, as my gaze meets the man's dark eyes, the unexpectedly discovered foreign feeling jumps in my stomach once more, and I want to disappear from here with immeasurable desire, and at the same time pick up the thread of his harassment again.

"I don't have to ask him, it's clear why he did it." I pull myself together, taking on my seriousness again, pointing my finger at the newly arrived masked man, who only glances at Price with interest at my remark. "He considered me a risk, so he decided to get rid of me."

"Simon did express his concerns." The captain agrees with me, and there is a hint of urgency in his voice, which suggests that he wants to conduct this conversation as calmly as possible. And for me, this only confirms the assumption that is slowly starting to take shape in my head regarding the antecedents. It was Riley who, after assessing my behavior towards him, decided to present his observations and his nice little idea to his captain to solve the problem. Based on the kind words he occasionally addressed to me during the moments we spent together, and in light of my behavior, I am not even surprised about this. And I already came to terms with this and the motivation I felt to refute his assumptions, while I was wandering in the forest. I'm more interested in how Price reacted to this whole mess, because it would help my soul a lot if he tried to stop his masked friend's plan from happening with at least a nasty look. Then I won't have to drink to suppress my anger.

"Don't sugarcoat it, Price." Riley interjects, who walks up to the table with comfortable steps, and grabs the last remaining glass from there with his gloved hand. And he takes his seat in the chair opposite me with such casual calmness that I have never had the pleasure of observing before. "It would have been pointless to keep someone here who doesn't want to stay." The man repeats the same reasoning he gave me before the whole impossible mission, and the matter-of-factness and indifference in his deep voice is no less cutting now. And I have to remind myself for a minute, that I'm no longer standing in front of the pile of trees towering over me, and whatever he assumed at the beginning, by sitting here, I've already proven somewhat the opposite.

"He didn't trust whether you would work together with us in the long term, but I didn't agree with him." Price continues his side of the story, and I only reward this statement with a cynical look, because I’m sure he didn't tell anyone anything new with this. Because if I knew that my long-term plans didn't necessarily want to be realized here, then they were certainly aware of that. "That's why the forest came into the picture."

"It didn't even cross your mind that I might perhaps, I don't know... die?" I ask, boldly planting the edge of my sarcasm in my voice, because this question justifiably emerges in me, which I doubt they didn't count on. They also were conscious of exactly where they would send me to see the scenery, and I don't think that they wouldn't have calculated into the adventure that I might end up as a mutant dinner. I'd rather not even ponder on what they would have done if I had taken Riley's advice and vanished into thin air as much as my opportunities would have let me. And Price still gave his thumbs up to the mission, which made me uncertain about the genuineness of his kindness towards me. And that upsets me much more than the experience itself.

"It was a dangerous idea, I admit. But I knew you'd be able to do it." Declares Price, and at this announcement, the annoyance I felt for a moment eases, because the man's beard-framed mouth stretches into a smile that takes my breath away for a moment. "I was sure you'd survive and come back." He carries on, and suddenly I can't decide how to react to his revelation. But I don't even have to worry about that, because he gets around the table with deliberate steps, and when he arrives next to me, he smoothes one of his big hands on my shoulder with gentle determination. "After all, you already belong here." The man gives his final justification as easily as if he had stated the most self-evident fact in the world, even though I understand the weight of what he is saying full well.

And as his fingers squeeze my shoulder softly for a moment, I grasp without further explanation what his message is to me. Even though he accepted Riley's deadly plan to find out about my intentions, it still caresses my calculating little self that, contrary to my suspicions, he was hoping all along I wouldn't prove the masked Hunter's hypotheses right. And I quickly swallow the suffocating emotions down my dry throat, because even though my soul is affected by the confusing mass of feelings caused by the whole situation, I would still rather fold a scarf around my neck from my own legs than get all sentimental.

"I haven't fully forgiven you for all this shit, just so you know." I state quickly, and as the reproach returns to my features again, Price, accompanied by a soft laugh, gently pats my back, and then returns to his appointed place behind the table. It’s remarkable how efficiently the Hunter can smooth over rather serious situations, and I suspect that years and routine are behind this exceptional ability. "I still have the smell of mutant intestines in my nose." I pull the corners of my mouth in disgust, because although the wild boar-like creature rearranged by my two beautiful hands did not affect me, the smell that remained in my nose after my whole scouting mission in the forest, even more so. Because it stayed there even after the sixth shower, effectively throwing me back under that fucking stack of trees.

"Don't worry, you'll get used to it in time!" MacTavish reassures me helpfully, at least as calmly as if he hadn't just exactly outlined that I will have the opportunity to see what I experienced up close plenty of times in the future. And based on his tone, this can really be a very ordinary occurrence to him, which could be similar to when someone begins each morning with a coffee and a cigarette in order to get their biorhythm working. How practical it can be to become desensitized to bloodshed.

"I don't know if I want to get used to it." I flash my eyes at the man with the mohawk, who is just casually sipping his drink instead of taking my comment to heart. Of course, I know that I have not only proven that I am reliable and a good girl, but that I am also capable of surviving in the field, which means that I won't be able to avoid these adventures from now on. So I warmly recommend them to be more useful as human shields.

"It gets easier with every mission, don't worry." Garrick explains with real sympathy in his voice, and his features are dominated by such bloody seriousness that it becomes evident, that he really is just trying to alleviate my uncertainty with his good-natured affirmations. "After a while, you don't even pay attention to the guts and the blood."

"I can't fathom how could I survive without this wonderful experience up until now." I grumble, and the cynical eyeroll I do as I take a sip of my whiskey is instinctive, and I hope that the beneficial numbness of the alcohol will moderate the irritation emerging in me. And as it travels down my throat and into my stomach, it leaves behind a far more intense and pleasant warmth than the booze bought in the colony was ever capable of. I wonder what I left all those credits for during my evenings spent hunting. What a robbery. Luckily, it wasn’t my main goal to drink myself under the table.

"By the way." Garrick interrupts my musing, and his dark eyes are filled with genuine curiosity as he leans forward in his chair, resting his elbows on his knees. "How have you managed to bypass the system so far? I heard it's impossible to cheat on the screenings." The Hunter asks his clever little question, and with this perhaps formulates one of the big mysteries that may have occupied his and his small team's brains, because after hearing his observation, all eyes are turning to me in sync. And I don't blame them for this, because their interest is legitimate, since it's truly almost impossible to get around the system. Almost. But if there's one thing I've learned in my life so far, it's that nothing man-made is foolproof.

"Only for those who don't know how to work their way around it." I note mysteriously, and a sly smile twists on my lips at the confusion on the Hunters' expression. No matter how much we may have buried the hatchet, it seems that my little inclination towards evilness won’t just disappear from me, which, knowing the origin of the little trial I experienced the other day, I do not even try to calm down.

"And how did you do it?" Riley breaks the silence, and I only cautiously raise my bright eyes to scan his features emerging from under the balaclava. The area that the black textile allows to show to the world is microscopic, but even this small surface is enough for me to be able to analyze him, since I have been pursuing this hobby for weeks. Underneath the blurred dark paint, his face is motionless, and there's unflinching attention hiding in his gaze, which inexplicably creates the urge in me to cooperate with him a bit more willingly, since he directs his focus on me without any hostile intent for the first time.

"I have a personal involvement in the subject, so I had enough inside information to be able to deceive the recruiters." I submit to the persistent examination and curious looks with a tired sigh, recalling the little operation I carried out during my school years, with which I laid the foundation for my future hide and seek. "I was lucky because I was thirteen when my abilities manifested, much earlier than what would be typical. It would've been impossible not to notice the change." I continue, and the morning flashes vividly in my mind, when I woke up drenched in sweat and disorientated, and saw my pretty little teeth and my even more beautiful eyes in the mirror for the first time."That's why I stole the credits from one of my classmates and bought some under-the-counter contact lenses and veneers. And the rest was even simpler. It wasn't the first time I had seen the test, I knew what parameters they were looking at and where the samples were stored. So, after the screening, I went to the school infirmary and exchanged my blood and urine samples with that of a random stranger. I knew the test would only show a match to the Healer DNA parameters, so I wasn't afraid of getting caught." I outline the events, and a kind of resigned calm settles in my voice, which belies the panic that overcame me at the time.

It would be impossible to erase the morning from my mind, when the recruiters sent by the government showed up to do their routine test on the young fourteen-year-olds to see if they would get lucky and find a Healer among them. We already knew weeks in advance when the big day would be, and in a morbid way to me, everyone was waiting for it with such fucking excitement, as if they were bringing one of the fabulous gifts that can be won at legal gambling to the little hole they called school. But while even I would have erupted in frenzied joy for ten thousand food stamps, or even for an ID card providing unlimited medical care, the fact that I could join and act as a battery for a bunch of strangers didn't excite me too much. And since my dedication to my own interests was already working stronger in me, I carried out my small campaign with thorough planning. I even surprised myself with how talented I was at forcing myself to stay calm, when one of the ladies in uniform ushered me into a hastily assembled booth in one of the classrooms. Although my pulse pushed my body to the brink of fainting, and the remnants of my pathetic breakfast were in my throat waiting to return to the outside world with each heartbeat.

Perhaps my biggest luck during my little plan was that the whole system was designed by a bunch of presumptuous dilettantes. Since the Healers who carried the mutation in themselves manifested spontaneously at the time of the appearance of the virus, when forty-six years ago they discovered the DNA test that would unmistakenly show the status of the Heale, they didn’t bother to conduct tests among the adult population of the time. So all I had to do was to look for a civilian who, based on their age, belonged to this pleasantly insignificant and neglected group, and so I could be sure that I was exchanging my sweet little samples for brand new and completely unknown material. And after that, getting into the school, which had no security system of any kind, and switching a few vials from among the samples left behind, was child's play. Mainly in light of the fact, that the exposure of my Extreme nature was a much more pressing fear in me than the slap on the wrist I would have received for the burglary. And my success couldn't be spoiled even by the fact that I waited sleeplessly for weeks for the enforcers to show up and drag me away.

My little speech is greeted by stunned silence for a minute, and I can almost hear the gears turning in their brains as they try to process what they heard. Although I suspect that they have already performed much wilder and riskier magic tricks than this. And compared to that, my confession can only be a cute moment in a children's story.

"Where did you get the blood and urine samples from?" Garrick breaks his quietness and frowns with a mixture of shock and disgust, as he takes a sip from his glass to digest what he heard, and I only note his dismay with an amused snort. Which I only find funny because it's quite comical to hear this indignity coming from someone whose job description includes wading knee-deep in mutant remains.

"I bought them from a hobo. You'd be surprised what a person can do for a food stamp." I remark while curling a suspicious smile at the corner of my mouth, cleverly holding back on the fact that I also stole the mentioned food stamps from an unfortunate fellow student. They seem to guess the origin of the goods used in the business, because Price just holds his glass to his mouth with a frown, his expression also telling me that, in addition to my many little naughty deeds, the fact that I am a thief does not even reach his threshold of irritation. And this is truly a lesser crime than the fact that my little hands were already involved in uglier things. And it's a greater shame that there is such harmony in the colonies that anyone would sell even their own mother if they could get more food, drugs or real alcohol, or even extra privileges. Of course, I can't complain, since it is precisely this miserable imperfection that has benefited me so far.

"How did you know so much about the test?" The captain asks the question that seems more important, and he fishes out a cigar from the drawer of his desk with easy movements, so that when he starts puffing merrily, he can turn back his undivided attention to me again. His blue eyes scan my face curiously, which leads me to conclude that the files probably only contained reliable data about my adulthood. No wonder, because from Laswell's point of view, only my current state and my crimes as an adult mattered.

"As I said, I have personal involvement in the subject." I confirm my previously mentioned little statement, and even though not a single cell of my heart wants to recall the haunting images trapped in the past, for some reason I have the irrational feeling that if I was lured into such an intimate party, I shouldn't keep silent about these long-forgotten trivia. "My mother was a Healer and my father was a researcher who worked with Hunters and Healers. I've been exposed to information since I can remember. Together they tried to experiment with a medicine that could replace the power of the Healers. That's why they dealt with the topic quite in-depth." I elaborate, and forcefully keep the coldness of objectivity in my voice, because I don't feel the slightest need to start lamenting on the past now. "But since it wouldn't be profitable for the government if the leash of the Hunters were out of their hands, they didn't finance the research sufficiently. Unfortunately, breakthroughs still cannot be achieved without resources." I point out the obvious easily, and they only reward my suggestion with a rather gloomy look, and from this, I know that it's not the first time that this idea crossed their minds either.

Therefore, I don't have to explain my hints any further for them to know what I mean, because they can experience first-hand how badly the system ties their hands. It's also quite unpleasant that they become the property of the colonies and their governments from the first moment they crawled out of their mothers, since as Hunters they are not even lucky enough to live a somewhat normal childhood, because everyone knows what the future profession of babies with glowing red eyes will be. But perhaps it’s really sad that they will never really have the opportunity to break away from the authorities, because the government provides them with what they wouldn’t be able to keep their sanity without. As long as the screening, registration, and employment of the Healers are in the hands of the governments, they are the only ones who can order their little helpers alongside the Hunters. And if a Hunter were to get a drug that would eliminate this parasitic relationship, then what would stop the little heroes from biting the hand that feeds them but also holds their leash? There is nothing more dangerous than giving the possibility of free self-determination into the hands of a person who can tear out someone's esophagus with their bare hands and fold it into a bow.

"What happened to them?" MacTavish suddenly speaks with a serious expression on his face that rarely appears, and which suggests that he might already know the answer, but he trusts that I would refute it. Although this question is not in the least unexpected, it strays into much more uncomfortable territory, and even I don't know whether it’s only because of my stubborn hatred or the pain living in the hidden corners of my head that I am affected by his unsuspecting interest so sensitively. And I hate the way a tiny little muscle twitches on my face, something that might not be noticed by anyone else, but their eyes are much more attentive than that, and as soon as Garrick's dark eyebrows run together and he draws a worried frown on his forehead, I curse the fucking hole in my skull where these memories are lurking.

"My mother died because the Hunter she regenerated didn't let her finish the fun in time." I answer after a moment of suffocating hesitation, and I don't like the surprised pity that appears on the Scottish man's face after my confession. "And my father, unable to bear the disappearance of the love of his life, stole a car and drove to the red zone himself." I share the fun relics of my childhood with them, and I direct my eyes to the golden whiskey in my glass instead, trying not to let the pain in my voice take even a single molecule of space, because the ache begins to pulsate dully in my chest again at the mention of the past. "The car was found a week later, and considering the circumstances, it was probably attacked by a mutant, which he obviously did not survive."

And as soon as this last cute little fluff leaves my mouth, I can experience how deeply my melodrama made an impression on them. My eyes carefully rise from my glass again, and as I quickly look around the room, I wish I had remained silent. Because I dislike the way my stomach clenches unpleasantly from what I read on their faces. The way Price's features are somber as he leans forward on the table clutching his cigar, or the way the disbelief in Garrick's gaze meets MacTavish's eyes glittering with shock as he turns to face him, or as Riley's body goes still for a blink of an eye, releases emotions in me that I don't want to feel it in the slightest.

I'd be lying if I said all this ridiculous family drama didn't entertain me with creative nightmares for years, but time has, if not erased, transformed the pain into far more effective tools. Because this bitter chain of events pointed to important facts. After my mother's death and the circumstances surrounding it removed the veil of naivety from my eyes, a very legitimate and strong determination arose in me to not end up in the same way as her. And the fact that my father didn't even see my existence as sufficient motivation to not want to be turned into confetti by monsters, showed me that the only person in this cruel world I would ever be important enough to was me. These were the first teachings that I managed to acquire through the lessons of life, and perhaps I am grateful for this priceless knowledge, since they made me who I am. And it may be true that there are many more negatives in my little soul than good, but they undoubtedly guided me toward my goals and survival with great effectiveness. That's why it makes me angry that even though I don't need anyone's pity, the idea that, thanks to my little tear-jerking story, they might see the reason behind my actions so far evokes that idiotic gentle tenderness in me. Not that this changes the fact that the crimes I have committed are still reprehensible.

"Well, let's not dwell on my sob story anymore, because everyone has a similar tale. That's just how it goes around here, isn't it?" I start rambling again, because I don't want to tolerate this melancholy anymore when I'm here to finally relax. I pour the contents of my glass down my throat with a few brave sips, hoping that the effects of the alcohol will finally catch up and erase the images buried in the past flashing in my head. "Let's talk about how this team was formed instead. As far as I know, it's quite rare for a European colony to let trained Hunters transfer to an American one."

Changing the subject provokes a rather sharp reaction from the small team, and this immediately raises the question in me as to what kind of territory I am straying into with my little quizzing. And as soon as I see the angry expression that crosses Price's face, I understand that my assumption is not far from reality. Whatever had happened to bring their fates so closely intertwined had made quite a deep impression on all of them.

"Luckily we had help." Price takes his cigar between his lips, voicing his little explanation with a dubiously easy tone, and I find it interesting that he wants to put on a mysterious act right now, when it's his turn to tell the dirty and painful little secrets.

"Laswell?" I mention the woman's name, but even without it, I know that the boss of the base is the one who can get involved in such deals with impunity. Laswell is like a phantom, sometimes she appears, sometimes she disappears, but after each time she shows up, she brings information with a shady origin and leaves behind a myriad of tasks. Undoubtedly, the woman works efficiently, but it’s difficult for me to understand how exactly she manages to get such goods, whether it’s information, weapons, blood, or my procurement. And because of this, the seemingly harmless lady immediately gets a much more dangerous classification in my mind.

"Kate went through hell with us, so there was no need to convince her to help." The bearded man shares this little crumb with me, still shrouding the real answer to my previous question in cryptic darkness. And although I can conclude from the sudden heavy atmosphere in the room that perhaps I am truly trying to poke a wound that still hasn't healed yet, the desire for knowledge in me doesn't let me back down.

"Don't leave me hanging, I've pulled out the skeletons, now it’s your turn." I continue to insist, conjuring a rather unsightly expression on my face, trusting that the mention of my miserable childhood is convenient enough to expect the same honesty from them. Secretly, of course, I hope that I will gain some additional useful insight, because even though I don't want to run away with passion anymore, uncertainty and the lack of knowledge are still not among my favorite states.

"It won't be a happy story." Warns Price, and his mouth stretches into a bitter smile that is completely foreign to him. And I start to wonder how traumatic the experience must have been, which led them to this point, if even the always calm, determined, and above all, self-confident Hunter's face twists into such a broken expression. And I almost feel guilty, as curiosity settles in my brain like an itch that won't stop. Almost.

"Very few have that, Captain." I remind the man, because although everyone can pretend that life in the colonies is full of sunshine and rainbows, since no one is in direct danger of monsters, this little thing does not negate the fact that everyone lives there struggling with some kind of misery. They are either starving, or sick, or all forms of their freedom are restricted for the protection and greater good of the colony.

Finally, Price leans back in his chair accompanied by a humorless sigh, and before he would start his little evening tale, he sends a respectable amount of whiskey down his throat, and I follow the movement with tense attention. I can only observe from my periphery how the other three Hunters keep their eyes on their leader, shrouded in silence, and an unusual troubled aura appears even on Riley's part, which soon begins to emanate from all of them.

"I was serving in Colony no. 9 when I met the boys 8 years ago. We were all members of a government liquidation unit, in separate teams, but under one management." Price starts the origin story, and his voice is once again filled with resolve. The name of the colony doesn't ring a single bell, and that makes me all the more confused, because if such a big fuckery happened, which shakes these battle-hardened men out of their composure, then it surely would have been all over the news. "We served in Great Britain's largest colony, and at the time I thought it was an honor. I think we all did." For a moment, he looks around at his companions, who only agree with the captain's statement with a small, but still grim nod.

"I've wanted to serve there since I was a kid, you can imagine how fired up I was when I got in right after basic training! I met the captain on my first mission. He saved me before a mutant could kill me." Garrick suddenly interrupts the thread of Price's tale, and I'm surprised by the sincere admiration with which he directs his gaze to the bearded Hunter. And suddenly, the image of the barely out from Hunter School, snotty eighteen-year-old flashes into my mind, who throws himself into the excitement of the unit with sparkling eyes, ready for action, and runs towards danger, as the reckless fools in that age usually do. The vision brings a faint smile to my face because I find the mental picture of the barely-out-of-puberty Garrick honestly sweet.

"Don't exaggerate, Gaz. You could've handled it on your own." Price glances at the mentioned, with a cheeky, but appreciative smile on his face, and that gives him the vibe of paternal love once again, with which he often turns to the younger man. The dynamic between the two is truly heartwarming and sickeningly sweet, but even my dark soul softens at their interactions. "Ghost and Soap joined the unit a bit later, but I was lucky enough to see what they're capable of even before that." He points to the two Hunters with his glass, thus confirming my earlier hypothesis that they've indeed known each other longer than I originally would have thought.

"Good old days." MacTavish comments with unusual brevity, and as his bright eyes shift to his glass, I get the feeling for the umpteenth time that they were involved in some sizeable shit back then, which even to this day can conjure up such an upset expression on the face of one of their most carefree members.

"The life of the unit wasn’t very eventful, as far as it was possible. But then Makarov came..." Price proceeds with the story, and at the mention of the unknown name, the unmistakable wrinkles of hatred and anger appear on the faces of each Hunter, almost at the same time, and I just study their reaction in bewilderment. But despite my surprise, I realize that we have arrived at the catalyst of the entire chain of events.

"Makarov?" I repeat the rather Russian-sounding name, and it does not escape my attention how instinctively the captain's jaw tightens after I bring up the foreign villain again. But I don't need to know who this faceless stranger is to recognize that he must be a serious asshole if he managed to sneak so deeply into the minds of every member of Unit 141.

"Leader of a Russian separatist group. At the time, he was famous for getting his hand on any weapon that his customers could pay for." Explains the Hunter, gathering strength to continue with another sip. And in me, just the phrase of the separatist group triggers a plethora of assumptions, which help to define who this anonymous criminal might be. Although these small illegally operating congregations, completely separate from the colonies, have been making life difficult for everyone for years alongside the mutant threat, this is the first time I've heard of someone who dealt with such dangerous businesses. However, this is mostly the fault of the news providers, since they only report information that doesn't cause undue panic among the already agitated population. "This is exactly what made Colony no. 9 a target. At that time, they were developing a powerful ballistic missile that would've been able to destroy nests with great precision, without causing the slightest collateral damage. It would've been a simple, clean method."

"Oh, missiles. They were really in high demand once. It's a shame these bastards are smarter now." I muse, and the set of data I viewed during the years spent in the lab flashes before my eyes, where these mischievous little rockets appeared quite often. And they never brought lasting success, or mostly nothing.

When the virus appeared, what hit humanity the most unexpectedly was the fact that suddenly thousands of mindless and bloodthirsty mutant monsters swarmed into all and any inhabited areas they could get into. The phenomenon was unexplainable, but it reached all corners of the world within a few days, and the leaders of the most powerful countries at the time had no chance to react to the threat in time. And dropping one nuclear bomb was enough for them to know, that while the explosion kills the fucking beasts, the radiation doesn't stop them and only reduces the precious resources for humans instead. The short latency of the virus and the fact that the mutation happened in a matter of hours was hazardous enough, but there was no way to wipe them out without massive collateral damage. Fortunately, the Hunters appeared, who were immune to the bite, and with their newfound superpowers, they were so effective at tearing the monsters apart that came into their path that, together with the military, they were able to push them out of the areas where the colonies are located today. Then, a good ten years after the breakout, several specimens gathered into hordes once again, made nests, and carried on with their idyllic little lives. Governments were quite disturbed by the fact that their previous purely aggressive behavior had been replaced by somewhat organized habits, but when these creatures, distorted beyond recognition, began to breed with each other, it created a whole new set of concerns. After all, in this way, they not only infected their other animal companions through their bites, but also gave birth to new offsprings, which were already stronger than their parents. This is how the lovely little missiles came into the picture, which at first successfully exterminated the nests, but then after a while these fuckers started predicting the arrival of the rockets somehow, presumably with the help of their super-sensitive hearing. By the time the package hit its target, they had already escaped. Over the years, they experimented with various missiles, but sooner or later the stunt always failed. And making these toys was a very expensive pastime with limited resources, so most colonies gave up on fabricating them altogether.

"Well, it was an interesting enough development for Makarov to notice." Price notes, running his hand along his beard with a nervous sigh. "And when he arrived, he brought such chaos with him that no one was prepared for." He brings up the climax of the tale, and just at the mention of it, the miserable expression takes over his features that I've never seen on the man before, and this sufficiently sobers me up as well. "He lured the I.M.L.s out with sound alarms, from a nest we didn't even know about. He led them all the way to the colony, where he blasted a hole in the wall and let those bastards do their thing. And they did." The Hunter's voice fills with that helpless rage that no doubt reflects what he must have felt when all hell broke loose. And everything I wanted to say stuck in my throat, because when I remember how efficiently that damned whistling, diabolical structure directed that mutant piggy towards me in the forest, angry and ready to rampage, then it’s not difficult to imagine in what condition that nest of mutants could have broken into the colony.

"Everyone was ordered out to the city, but we didn't stand a chance. I've never seen so many I.M.L.s in one place. It was like the first breakout." MacTavish joins in, and the cavalcade of emotions caused by the recalled memories sweeps over his face with noticeable grimness. "They were everywhere in 10 minutes. They killed everything in their path."

And the Scottish man doesn't need to go into detail for me to realize what horrors he must have seen there. Even history books only talked about the massacres that took place when the virus appeared in a censored form, and the fate of Colony no. 9 could've been very similar to this. And the image inevitably appears in my head, as hundreds of enraged beasts flood the streets of the peaceful city, tearing apart, killing, and devouring everything and everyone in their way. Women, men, old and young, these creatures don't differentiate between two delicious morsels, they degrade anyone into an unrecognizable bloody mess without discrimination. And this picture is so vivid in my mind that I am finally overcome by the mournful mood that has been present in the Hunters since the beginning of the story.

"Then, when the authorities saw how hopeless the situation was, we were instructed to leave the colony together with the important officials." Price goes on, and his statement deepens my shock, because even though I'm a mean bastard, even I'm not so terribly heartless. Even if the decision itself was an inhuman but logical step. "There was no room for opposition, we received an order, and our hands were tied." The Hunter recalls, and my eyes instinctively find his fingers clenching around his glass. "So, all the Hunters and soldiers left everything behind and evacuated."

"Then one of the fuckin' missiles was detonated." MacTavish snaps, and his anger deepens his accent further, which makes his entire exasperated outburst even more harshly emphasized. The resentment that rages in him even now is justified, and I don't blame him for the hatred reviving in his eyes. "The entire colony was destroyed." He adds, but the outcome was quite obvious from the moment he mentioned that damn rocket. And this confession puts the graveness of the tale in a completely different light, and it suddenly becomes painfully clear to me what kind of trauma happened to them, which later forged the small team together.

"We were pulled out because it was more important to protect the lives of the bloody government members." Garrick spits with pure loathing, and his face twists with the mixture of hatred and anger, and this is the first time I see the Hunter filled with such fury. "But no one cared about the many innocents who were killed by the I.M.L.s or the missile." He says, looking at his glass, and suddenly I understand what he meant during our little recharge session that took place in the gym, when he said that he knows what it's like to let shit happen. And I don't like the pain that rips through my chest when I see the man's hopeless rage. According to this, I wasn’t wrong when I assumed that there were bitter experiences behind his good intentions. And now, for the first time, it bothers me that I was right.

"The authorities were glad that Makarov didn’t succeeded, because that would've meant a much greater danger later on." The captain continues to unfold the events, and to vent his frustration, he raises his cigar to his mouth again, hoping that the tobacco will calm his nerves, I suspect. "I met Kate in the temporary refugee camp. I had known her before, but back then she was also among those who miraculously escaped. We agreed that our hands are tied under government leadership, and this needs to change. I didn't care if I had to get my hands dirty if I could keep the innocents clean. So Kate offered me to join her, and she helped me set up a private unit. She entrusted me to recruit who I see fit."

"It wasn't even a question we'd join after what happened." Garrick agrees, giving his comrades a meaningful look, who nod in agreement at his testimony. And I do not doubt that this experience brought them closer. Thus, it makes sense why this unit embarks on adventures that are far more dangerous than necessary, and for the first time, I don't even have a sarcastic remark about their heroism. Because I understand that they are fueled by the motivation to overcome the helplessness they had to deal with, and I can empathize with this sentimentality. In light of this, Riley's hostile behavior also becomes quite rational, because, in the eyes of someone who was driven by this trauma to protect the colony unconditionally, my callous and selfish indulgence may have been an even bloodier crime than I had previously suspected. And I'm not happy about the way this feeling gives room to an incipient sense of guilt in the hidden corners of my soul.

"What happened to Makarov?" I voice the obvious question instead, thereby beneficially suppressing the useless negative emotions that arose in me, since the mention of the unfamiliar villain promises to be a much more pleasant topic.

"That bastard hasn't been found since." Riley joins the conversation for the first time since his arrival, and the murderous temper in his eyes warns even me to be careful, even though his anger is not directed at me now. "But if he survived, we'll find him sooner or later." The man promises ominously, probably expressing the thoughts of the others as well. Because, as I take a look at the Hunters, one by one, a rock-solid determination similar to that of the masked man sits on their faces.

"It wasn't a happy story, indeed." I finally break their gloom, attempting to turn the meeting, which started out lighthearted, back to its original direction after the rather interesting trip down memory lane. Recalling so many bad experiences for one evening is more than enough, because statistically, the trauma per person in this neon-lit office is now well beyond the limits of the healthy range.

"You were right that everyone has a similar sad story." Price refers to my apt remark I made earlier, thereby confirming the fact that in this filthy cesspool that the world has become, no one gets even close to a happy ending. "That's exactly why we need all the help. So that nothing like this can happen again, if it's up to us." He nods his head towards me, and I don't have to mobilize a single molecule of my intellect to know what a significant hint the captain is giving me.

He doesn't need to spell out that I am also included in this "all help" group, because by now it has become quite obvious what kind of thrills I am invited to by being accepted as a member of the team. And now my first instinctive thought is not about escaping from the task in creative ways, but instead, I just conjure a sassy grin on my face, fueled by my newly found inspiration.

"Luckily you managed to get your hand on a real first-class Extreme Healer." I emphasize the useful presence of my humble person as I place my glass on the table and encourage Price to refill it.

"We can thank Kate for that too." The man pulls a brazen little smile on his face, that draws small lines around his eyes, and cooperates with my silent request for booze without any resistance. He fills my glass, and then the whiskey bottle goes around again to give those present the divine liquid. But before I can enjoy the pleasant tingle of alcohol again, MacTavish jumps up with renewed enthusiasm and holds his glass high, drawing everyone's attention to himself.

"Let's drink to Laswell!" The Hunter suggests cheerfully, and then he turns his gaze to me in a tenth of a second, in which the well-known mischievous light flashes, establishing my displeasure in advance. "And to Woods, the sly viper!" He shouts with complete approval to his statement, and although my eyebrows shoot up with indignation upon hearing his nickname, I am still unable to keep my contempt for long. After all, considering how I usually attack suddenly and ambush my victims, he managed to come up with a rather fitting name.

We all stand up almost in sync to comply with MacTavish's initiative, and as our glasses clink together, my scan the Hunters, finally, for the first time in my life, I feel that maybe it really won't be so horrible to work my guts out as part of a unit. Because even if not all members are overjoyed at my presence, I am sure that they are more happy that I am here than I can imagine. And this only strengthens my determination to fight tooth and nail to stay here.

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again 1/31/23

month started on a sunday, ended on a tuesday, very satisfying

listening

Toxic Las Vegas (Jamieson Shaw Remix). this has been on my "silly little walk for my silly little mental health" playlist for three weeks so it's time for its place in the tuesdaypost. part of the appeal is that it's two songs i already like but this remix does something where i go "whoa is that the james bond chord" every time even though it is NOT.

-

reading

Bullet Train, a black humor thriller set on a train full of asssassins by Kōtarō Isaka. i have been having... mmmmmmmm. a time. let us say. and i have been clinging to things that i have lost my mind about (mostly cowboys) in order to get through the agonies. so it is weird, now that i am branching out a bit more bc things are on a slightly different tack, to be like "yeah i liked this a normal amount and i agree with the 3.8 goodreads average. i will not remember this in three months." npr said basically: fun little genre piece with no real depth! i don't completely agree with this, bc the book is not action-scene focused! the very few fights are short, blunt, quick affairs. there's a lot of focus on personal ethics and legacies, and a great deal of terror derived from random chance. but yeah it's not really a literary novel.

this was a fast, fun read. a rare example where i liked the adaptation (the recent movie which is a VERY loose adaptation) much more than the original work.

i try not to be picky about sentence structure or work choice in a translated work, bc translation is a tricky business at best, but there were some funky choices here and there that did throw me out of my groove. it's written in present tense, which is fine, but i cannot remember the last time i read a professionally published non-romance book written in present tense. i described the movies as "really wants you to know it took AP English", and the book is similar in an interesting way-- book!tangerine is constantly quoting English literary-canon novels.

the book (and movie) have a very dry sense of humor that clicked with me. "it's not clear why the man is naming fruits". at LEAST two sensible chuckles.

the biggest book/movie divergence is with the character of the Prince: a fourteen-year-old serial killer, who we spend a great deal of the book with, who asks nearly every grownup on this train "why is it bad to kill people?". a rare book in which i actively wanted a child to die. i think this character is much improved in the movie, since the character is both aged up (a young teen boy in the book, an older teen girl in the movie), and given clearer ties to the rest of the cast. however, this adaptational choice does lose almost all of the terror of the random chance the book makes you sit with. in the movie, the prince has a motive. in the book, that kid just ain't right.

had a fun time but not enough of a fun time that i will be seeking out the other novels in the series on purpose. perhaps if i come across physical copies cheap it will ping my memory and i'll grab them, which is how i acquire a lot of my physical books. this feels like im damning with faint phrase, but i did have a fun time reading this! it's just that my brain is a sieve and lately anything that doesn't completely possess me is immediately forgotten.

-

watching

fallow week bc i have been #gaming. i need to literally put on my to-do list "rewatch The Big Sleep for febslash feb research" maybe that'll get me to actually do it. im going to take this opportunity to complain about how much fucking work it is to write smut. not even the technical stuff bc i do like to write smut that's threesomes where everyone is the same gender and has the same color hair. the hard part is going "okay what's sexy" and then like storyboarding out the sequence of events to make sure everyone's having fun and it CONSISTENTLY stays sexy the whole time. i have never had irl sex with a narrative throughline. difficult difficult lemon difficult

-

playing

still running around in wolfenstein: the new order making this big beefy boy do jumps and slides. went to the moon. came back from the moon. hit a very fun bug as i try to fight my way out of the london nautica where i crash landed, bc i died, the level spat me out at the last checkpoint, and there were no health or ammo or armor pickups anywhere. just what i could scavenge off the fallen. very unpleasant to fight through a room with 20 health but i did do one whole room before realizing this was a bug. i would not like to play the entire game like this. very stressful. the big boss at the end of the level was also extremely stressful.

but let's talk about the moon, the moon in the fucking sky. how was the moon? was the moon fun? no it was full of nazis. it was also jammed full of sixties computer banks tho. many instruments and dials as well.

as i write this on sunday night i am going to attempt Again to finish the second to last chapter in this game. i am So Close to finishing this game in under 20 hours [ed note, monday night: lmao still have not finished this game]. look at some more computer banks there aren't enough pictures to break up this post.

not sure if this is a side effect of the next-location action movie disease, but wolfenstein is very interested in how areas link together. lots of temporary facilities that have grown ad-hoc roots, lots of trains planes and automobiles. we drive a lot of trucks. we’re in helicopters and subs and moon rockets. we blow up a bridge and scramble through several trains, blowing one of them up. we fuck on a train also can't forget that cutscene. we live in the sewers. we scuttle around in vents. we are in some very far-flung locations but they all look the fucking same bc they are encased in brutalist concrete. i'm sure this is bc it's fun to have a gun battle on a train and on the fucking moon and bc like u only have so many guys actually modelling things for your levels.

this is a very half-baked observation bc i think i am beginning to get a migraine (as i finish writng this on monday night) but let's get this out of the way first: all buildings are political. something something things invented and built for war never actually go away, something something transportation infrastructure to ease conquest continues to keep the colonies within easy reach of the imperial core, wartime infrastructure like highways and bridges as a tool of empire, fascism is a constant state of war which in this game is partly represented by constant shooting and also constant building. something something the unsustainability of not only constant building things but constant growth. something something long linked history of fascist architects who love brutalism. this video game has great visual design and visual shorthands is what im trying to get at. i think.

the london nautica museum/labs/spaceport is a big gun. this is not a subtle game.

-

making

here's a peek behind the curtain: i talk about cooking when i don't have anything else to report on. but i genuinely did not have anything else going on this weekend bc this took all my fucking literal and metaphorical spoons. this represents like three weeks worth of soup lunch (the red lentil previously discussed on this series) plus two quiches.

why so many quiches lately? i bought two dozen eggs before christmas and thought i would do more baking than i did, which was zero. tried this dal palak recipe, majorly fucked up the proportions of the spinach bc i cannot read the back of a package, and by the time i corrected my mistake i had a fuck of a lot of the spinach/onion/spices. unfortunately i fucking hate the texture of rice plus lentils plus this mixture all together, but felt bad about wasting so much food, so the lentils went into the soup (which i needed to make more of anyway) the spinach mixture went into some quiche (bc i needed to use up those eggs anyway) and uhhh idk what will happen with the rice yet. maybe fried rice to finish off the last three eggs in the carton. this entire debacle used all my spoons for the weekend.

there's also a pork shoulder defrosting (and after that marinating[from last summer's Father's Day Meat Sale i also wish i was making this up]) but that's not very photogenic. i desperately need freezer space and it's been a fucking minute since i had some meat.

[willinglyghoulified]

I'm not dead.

I've been trying to get back into the swing of things. To my new followers, hello! I'm a fallout fanfic writer by day, overnight warehouse worker by night, and I'm studying to be an editor.

General life updates below the cut, but long story short, life's a little difficult at the moment and I'm thinking of writing something fun for you guys to read.

For those of you that give a hoot, my English grammar studies fell off a little bit after the holidays and a week-long vacation that I spent doing a lot of gardening. (Very happy with the gardening btw.)

However, on top of having to pay out $550 in taxes, my grandmother informing me that the exercise bike she gave me is going to cost me $250, attempting to pay off two credit cards, and buying gardening supplies and flowers, my parttime status is... getting questionable? Plus, the week-long vacation was nice and all, but we took a pay cut from that because we usually get more than 8 hours every night. Since we didn't work those days, we got 8 hour pay instead of our usual 9-11 hour pay. (We work 'til the job is done, however long that takes.)

As every day goes by, I am reminded again and again why I want to work for myself and why I am beginning to hate America. Rumors going around that the government is attempting to restrict or even ban at-home food gardening, I've just decided to stick to flowers in the flower bed and maybe two new trees and skip the tomatoes, potatoes, broccoli, etc. that I planned to plant this year. Financially, it's probably for the best anyways.

SO. I'm thinking about writing a little somethin'-somethin' to entertain myself and you guys. It'll also help me get back into a good writing routine.

I'm practicing better self-care, too. Drinking iced lemon water, cutting back on the coffee and energy drinks, washing my face more regularly, moisturizing my hands, feet, and face, and going to bed and getting up at the same times every day. Anyone who knows how difficult self-care is with ADHD, I salute you. It's hard. I have to compromise with myself just to take a shower most days.

Good tips on staying motivational in order to get some studying done would be appreciated. I hope you're all doing well. Feel free to message me if anyone ever needs someone to talk to, shit's hard out here. Keep on keepin' on.

[ekwolfwriter-blog]

🌹 :D

Thank you for asking! This is a fun game!

So for this one, it is for a different fandom than what I am used to but it is for an up coming chapter that I have been sitting on for a year now:

Still, Snow woke up to the sound of the hustle and bustle of the village coming to the morning light and tried to motivate herself to get up. Looking around, Snow tried to see if any soldiers of her father might have gotten away and could help her. Also trying to remember if Captain Jive had managed to escape before all of this or if his leave was a cover for his disappearance. Snow knew that the captain was also one of the few people who did not fully trust Regina and seemed to know something was going on.

   So her best chance was to find him and see what he knew. However, something had crossed Snow's mind as well: if there was a chance that Regina's forces could be out looking for her already. Or if there are people that would sell her out to Regina to protect themselves. She could not blame the normal citizens for protecting themselves, but Snow realized that this could have made her search for any supporters more difficult. She leaned against the wall and debated about how do to this. She pulled her legs up to her chest and tucked her knees to hide her face a little.

   "Excuse me miss," said a voice.

   Snow looked up to the voice, startled at first by them. But soon she relaxed as she saw a little green dwarf wearing a blue tunic and some black scruffy hair standing before her from the other side of the alley away from the street. Snow was confused as well and part of the reason she chose this alley was so that she could only have them come at her one way.

   "Are you alright miss?" the dwarf asked.

   "Oh, um… I am fine," she said as she looked away to avoid showing her face and using her hair to hide it as best as she could.

   "Are you sure?" he pressed on as he looked at her, curious about why she was trying to hide her face.

   "Yeah, you don't need to worry about me, I will be fine," she said. Internally hoped she would not be recognized right now.

    The dwarf raised an eyebrow as he noticed she was trying to keep herself hidden. While he was on a bit of a schedule for himself, he could not leave her as is or let her stay here. He looked around before finding an old cloak from a box that was tossed out. He pulled it and cleaned it up while discretely putting a talisman out to make the cloak.

    "Here," he said as he put it over Snow's knees.

    Snow looked shocked at the cloak on her lap. She hurried to put it on before looking over at him from under the hood. "Thank you," she said.

  "This has been enchanted, it will keep your voice altered and face hidden when you pull the hood over. Just don't tell anyone you saw me here, okay?" he requested.

  "Oh okay, but why?" her voice sounded distorted when she spoke. It was a bit strange at first for her, but it seemed to do the trick.

  "Just need to keep a low profile myself is all, think of it as an eye for an eye," he said as he looked on, admiring a bit of his handy work.

  "Oh okay, I can do that," Snow agreed and got up to begin her search. But not before turning back to the dwarf with a smile supported by the sun to make it shine brighter than before. "Thank you." Although the spell warped her face and voice, it seemed to have broken for a second to show her true smile and voice to the dwarf.

  As Snow left, she pulled the hood over her head again and began to make her way through the crowd, hopeful to find some answers.

~

  Stunned and confused by why his heart skipped a beat, Merlin - changed back to his true form - was gripping his chest a little to wonder why his heart went a flutter toward her smile. She was a normal girl, nothing special about her or something stunning from what he could see of her from the ground. He could not see her true face either as she kept trying to hide it from him.

  Even so, he wondered why he felt like the happiness of her voice was affecting him so much.

  The thought was broken when he heard a thud behind him and he turned back to Hansel who had fallen from the top of the wall that was keeping the alley blocked off and hit the stone ground on his butt.

[whereismyhat5678]

(I did some of the writing yesterday so the pictures may look darker than others!!)

Sorry I haven’t posted in a while <:(

I’ve been just doing my own thing and I haven’t had that much motivation to draw, but to pass the time I’ve been playing a lot of ANTONBALL! <x)

So I’m just gonna rant about how ANTONBALL’s been like-

Also:

This’ll be a long one so if you don’t want to read that much it’s fine <:]

So let’s get started! So, I beat world 3 right? I did! And to be honest it didn’t take that long!! It was actually really fun, and as much as I thought the ice flooring was gonna be a problem-

-it wasn’t to bad! And I’m pretty proud of myself for finishing it so fast :D

I guess the only problem I had with it was the…..

The….

T H E M O L E S…….

But we’ll get to them eventually ;]

(In the future at least-)

After I was done with world 3 I moved to world 4, and that’s when I took a break for a bit because, well- I started the first level for world 4, and um-

Well- it was- a bit overwhelming- 😀

As much as it looks to be not as bad it really wasn’t. At least for me. This first level hit hard for no reason and I didn’t like it one bit. This level does not bring me any sort of joy what so ever. I hate it.

But I beat it eventually so it’s not as bad now, it’s just the fact that sometimes- I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT POSITION I’M SUPPOSED TO BE IN?? Like where am I supposed to go huh???? It seriously is very difficult for me >:(

The only thing saving it afterwards was this level-

Now I know what people say- it’s the fact the game was so cruel to add PITS. But y’know what? They aren’t so bad! I just stay in the corner and pray to god that I don’t accidentally move my joy stick the wrong way- 😀 I just imagine they aren’t even there!

Now level 3 is a hard one, y’know why? BECAUSE THEY HAVE THESE-

I HATE THESE- THESE ARE LITERALLY TERRIFYING WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA???????

These are like those platforms that FORCE YOU to try and not stand on and just KEEP RUNNING. They are treadmills that are really fast for now reason and I HATE THEM. Every time I slipped off I had to RUN FOR MY LIFE JUST TO GET BACK ON THE SAFE PLATFORM ON TOP-

I DIDN’T THINK THIS GAME WOULD MAKE MY HEART RACE AS MUCH AS IT DID BUT OH BOY DID IT- 😃

After that little fiasco, you could imagine that level 4 and 5 were hard right? Well- I mean I got used to them 🤷‍♀️

Forth one really wasn’t that bad, the only problem that occurred for me was the fact that the back part had a HUGE HOLE and the balls were easily able to go in, so any time I slipped up I always felt like an idiot-

Now Level 5 was a bit nerve racking because of how low my health was at that point but I BARELY made it with one heart left- And honestly it wasn’t as bad as I expected it to be! Every time I made some sort of progress the wall behind it pushed it towards me (which scared me a bit each time), and it surprisingly helped(??). The one thing that irritated me though was that the ball couldn’t hit THE FRICKEN BOTTOM BLOCKS so I had to use the gun BEFOREHAND to get rid of them so it wouldn’t be much of a problem later. It took a toll one me. 🙂

Other than THAT. I finished world 4. And it was “fun” 😀🔫 At least the second level for me. I’m still currently cracking at World 5 and since I don’t have enough space for my complaints on that one, I’ll do a separate post for it when I’m done. I still want to illustrate sketches 😅

I again am sorry for my absence <:]

[moodys-art]

Hello! I was wondering if you would write my hc request of what la squadra do when you’re at a university library studying together for finals!

(Perhaps this will motivate me to study lol)

Hi ! Sorry for the delay, espcially if the 'finals deadline' has already passed. If it's the case, I hope everything went well for you 🥰

Studying with La Squadra at the University Library

Risotto

Bundled up in his black hoodie, barely even sees the sun nor tries to feel it on his skin, even while sitting in the library near a window.

You will typically find him in the darkest corners of the library, trying to decipher some of his most difficult classes.

Always has a cup of coffee nearby, full or empty depending the time of the day, but you can be sure he drinks a lot of it to stay awake.

Risotto's the quiet type, so you won't hear him at all. It's actually very good as it encourages a more focused attitude in you. The man is overall very chill externally, but he's extremely stressed and does not sleep very much.

Prosciutto

Prosciutto has a very organized way of life. That's why, often times, since he already regularly studied through the semester, he won't really need a 'big session' right before finals and will keep on studying as usual. He's like that, and doesn't like when some of the others complain about the time they've got left : if they put themselves to work sooner, they wouldn't be in that situation in the first place !

However, he is keen on getting the best grades he can get, that's why he knows a lot of tricks to remember as much as possible. He will definitely get Pesci into this.

Very quiet and is the type to aggressively shush you if you dare make any noise in the library. He will snitch to whoever is in charge of the place if he catches you more than one time snickering with Formaggio, so be careful.

Formaggio

Can't focus for his life. Always has something to say, to point out, to laugh about...Formaggio isn't even remotely stressed about finals.

It's a bit annoying to the most serious ones, honestly. Similarly to Illuso, he will take as many breaks as possible, but actually doesn't care if he eats his snack outside or inside the library. Yes, so be careful of the crumbs and protein bar papers. Too many times he stained your notes with peanut chocolate and soda !

You guessed it, Formaggio doesn't really like to study for finals ; and it's a miracle that he even passes, but he's the type of student to always miraculously pass, even though his grades are almost too low.

Illuso

IF he is at the library, you won't see him very much. Illuso is the type to get good grades effortlessly. He will take multiple smoking 'breaks' throughout the study session, his time studying ending up being recorded by Formaggio. A few minutes at most !

Hates when other people talk, but hell, he won't be bothered by his own talking with the others : he'll even tell you to keep quiet and to stop interrupting him because he's in the middle of telling an anecdote to a very interested Melone.

He'll borrow a lot of manuals that he won't even bother to read, much to the dismay of others who would like to actually read them and use them for good.

Doesn't share his snacks, even steals from the others when they've been unpolite to him, or just because he feels like it. Always has a fancy drink nearby, something like colored bubble tea.

Pesci

He is not very fond of studious atmospheres as it often makes him nervous and...let's be honest, it's quite intimidating sometimes.

He's fairly good at taking notes and catching extra important info, and that's why he often gets good grades : he has great capacity for listening.

Pesci needs a few breaks throughout the day, usually he plans them beforehand, and stays quite organized. He's the one who will make studying fun and interactive and always has plenty of imagination to try and help you make understand some difficult concepts.

Melone

Oh...there's little chance you'll see Melone at the library. He loves it, but he often sleeps in very late and prefers to study in the late hours of the night at his own desk.

Sometimes, though, he'll accompany you. He stays silent and is often very immersed into the materials he finds to be the most interesting. There's a chance he won't see how much time has passed, and has trouble with taking breaks, but he always has something to snack on for himself and you if you get hungry as well, because your brain needs the energy, it's working hard !

Ghiaccio

Has an appointed place at the library and you better not take it, because it's his and it's perfect temperature wise. Ghiaccio prefers not to be in the sun, but will make sure he isn't amongst the cold shadows either.

He has a workbook for each material, each different color and that he takes very great care of. The only exception in his writing : it's oftentimes all smudged and almost unreadable. However, he knows what he wrote, so he studies fast and effectively, and at least no one will steal his notes.

If you dare eat or drink in the library AND make noise while doing it, you're dead. Ghiaccio has no tolerance for any type of this bullsh*t.

However, he is a nice companion for studying and excellent at making you memorize things. He often repeats his lessons over and over and takes advantages of breaks to remind you some things you may have forgotten. Very good with numbers also, and often explains very clearly and easily the materials with some calculus and mathematics in it.

[archivalofsins]

Hello! Just popping in about that Mikoto fic 👀

It was all really cool, I loved the emotional punch that it packed. I was crying over Bokukoto trying to work through so much new information, trying to find comfort in the idea of Orekoto, calling out to him -- only to reject the thought just as quickly... And given everything we see in Double now, it’s extra fitting that he’s shown wearing himself out and not really using any healthy methods of relaxing rip

I loved the mirror as their contact point!! Both as a callback to the mv visuals, but just a really cool idea in general! Like, obviously they’d only see “themselves” when looking in a mirror, so it’s awesome to see the concept executed so literally >:0

OUGH Orekoto’s view of the world is so painful, but given his origins it makes so much sense. I feel like it’s common to see interpretations of him where he’s full of drive and aggression and motivation to fight back against the world (that’s how I took him until reading this lol), so I really enjoyed the more realistic perspective that he’s just fed up with everything. He’s not fighting because he wants to stick it to ‘em, he’s just fighting to hang on and make it through each day in a world that’s beating him down ;---;

There’s such a painful, ironic loneliness. Both feel so isolated despite having someone else so close. Bokukoto is afraid of the others staying away from him, and Orekoto is afraid of Bokukoto leaving him. Bokukoto wants someone to rely on, Orekoto wants someone to rely on him, but neither one is making it easy for the other!! >:'( I thought you did such a cool job of driving home that feeling of deep loneliness while simultaneously keeping up the tone that there was someone else nearby, connected.

I was curious, did Mikoto get to see MeMe? Or was he hearing the “other voice” in general? 

Ah sorry this got a bit long but I thought the fic was really nice!!

I did have a lot of fun writing the Mikoto fic and playing with the broader interpretations of Mikoto's character.

There are little nods to my own interpretation of his character here and there. That comes about in the subtle tiredness and disdain towards the way the world is in the second part. Along with the begrudging acceptance that it may always be that way regardless of what an individual does.

personally I've always considered the space in MeMe to be Mikoto's mental space. A representation of his own mentality and way of handling things. Hence why it's so destroyed but serene in a way. Far less frantic than what we see displayed in Double. I think there are a few things in Double that support the idea that in MeMe we're seeing Mikoto's space while in Double we see John's.

Not even taking into consideration Deco's statement after the videos release. So, I worked with that sort of impression in mind. To give this idea of Ore (John) trying to meet Mikoto where he was at in a way. Yet, still not really being capable of fully understanding. I wanted it to give off this feeling of I'm here to support you even if your actions don't make sense to me and mine may not make sense to you.

A theme that's incredibly difficult to convey. It did become easier to convey when considering that regardless of who did what they both held the same understanding that things couldn't have continued the way they were going for one reason or another.

Since I did write this fic before Double released I'm glad to see it aligned with some of the things presented. Though there are certain lines that give a clearer impression of the events that if I had them then probably wouldn't have changed much but certainly would have been helpful.

Such as,

" “He’s a liar”, you said, and made me out to be a scoundrel, why?"

Since, if Double is from John's perspective which it seems to be for the most part with Mikoto coming in at certain parts. Similar to how MeMe seems to have been from Mikoto's perspective with John coming in for other parts. This line is more than likely referring back to Mikoto's line within MeMe of,

"All those ridiculous accusations."

As "He's a liar" is put in quotation marks and most of the lyrics put into quotation marks within the prisoners songs seem to be something that prisoner have said in regards to the situation that put them here.

All of Mikoto's quoted lyrics would be

MeMe

"I"

"Me"

"Goodnight"

Double

“No, I need to do more…”

"Savior"

and

"He's a liar"

Goodnight and Goodmorning is used prominently throughout Double to transition between perspectives. Which have been neatly broken into a daytime part and a nightime one.

Something that becomes more interesting when one considers Mikoto's previous statements and the fact that MeMe the song that Mikoto is given onus of in Double-

As John takes onus of double singing,

"I don’t remember a thing, it couldn’t be helped, I’m DOUBLE (MeMe)."

MeMe is put in parerntheses not only highlightinhg yhe differences in songs but the fact that they are still one and the same to an extent. The tone of Double is also lighter than the previous one where Mikoto proper is shown to use more growling and screams.

Even shown to pant and hyperventalate at points similarly to how he does in the first voice drama. These sort of noises do break into Double at very interesting and indicative parts in my opinion. However, they're far from the main focus now.

Couple that with the fact that MeMe takes place at night with no daytime parts at all along with this answer Mikoto gave trial one,

Q.20           Are you more of a morning person or a night person?

Mikoto: I used to be basically nocturnal. Recently though I’ve been falling asleep pretty early.

Everything that occurred prior really lent itself well for Double to use lighting to play around with the concept of time and subtly transition from between one point to another.

As though showing the front and the back of the situation all at once.

Yet, it really made it difficult to not have that when writing a fic for Mikoto.

So, while writing those my main concern was not falling too into what I believed people wanted to see based on wider fandom interpretations of his character and instead subtlely highlight the intricacies that made me like Mikoto as a character.

A lot of which on Mikoto's end was that feeling of loneliness, fear of being stuck with oneself, and the fear being of being wrong in someway or viewed as wrong that MeMe gave off. Something I feel was properly expanded on through Double.

This is also why most of the songs I chose to listen to while writing them were heavily centered around loneliness, longing and to an extent the creation that can only be found from destroying ones present reality.

Something that is displayed in a more aggressive way in MeMe and Mikoto's first cover being Monopoisoner. I feel it's also visualized well through the state of Mikoto's inner world in MeMe. Because even though it looks in disrepair there's a peace and orde to it. That really embodies the concept of demolishing a wall to see the sky.

Throughout Double there are signs of Mikoto everywhere but in MeMe there aren't really many signs of John. Even when facing himself in the mirror. Something that was taking as though it could it was the other through yet through new information comes off as Mikoto being fearful of facing himself and his own actions.

So, I really had a difficult time interpretting the other as angry or agressive and leant more into tired and fed up as a result. Admittedly he can be angry and aggressive like anyone can but I wanted to explore where that anger and defensiveness would come from.

I also used the mirror as a contact point for this reason as well. I thought it was a subtle way to highlight that through not fully reflecting on himself Mikoto can't recognize the other as well. It also was a good way of playing on the idea of them seeing eye to eye being as simple as looking into the mirror.

Since again even if they aren't in full agreement they both seem to want Mikoto to be told he was right for what he did and be forgiven. For the audience to admit that they made a mistake and neither of them are the sort of person others have claimed they are. Something that has remained consistent through trials.

I'm really glad the characterizations can still sort of hold up even after Double's release though I personally see some areas where I could have done better.

Especially since the staff does such a great job of differentiating between the two of them visually in Double.

Even though I rushed writing it I was very conscious about introducing a reason behind their behavior instead of vilifying one more than the other. YetI still wanted to display Mikoto's distrust and upset at this turn of events as a valid response. So, I wonder if I made him come off more sympathetic in comparison to the other.

On Mikoto's side I really wanted to highlight and extrapolate on these lines in particular,

"Why, hey why, I’m nowhere to be found." "I’m probably not to blame." "It’s probably nothing."

Really home in on that feeling of being so close to knowing something but being so afraid of the truth one pulls away from it out of self preservation.

Yet, with the other I really wanted to focus more on the external pressures and since of wrongness in regards to the situation they were in. Along with the disdain one would rightfully feel for being blamed for everything that was going wrong. Double really did give me a lot more nuance to chew on when it came to them.

There's so much to analyze when it comes to it still but I am very happy you liked the fic and the feelings were properly conveyed.

In terms to this question. I may not have fully understood it so please forgive me,

I was curious, did Mikoto get to see MeMe? Or was he hearing the “other voice” in general? 

I said earlier I think the space from MeMe is Mikoto's one and having John there was in a way me implying they were meeting Mikoto where he was at.

My perception was,

The space in MeMe = Mikoto's Space

The space in Double = John's space

So, I believe Mikoto would be able to see it himself but be incapable of finding John in it. That's just my angsty interpretation of the,

"Why, hey why, I’m nowhere to be found."

Line. Since after a while I grew quite fond of the interpretation MeMe kind of being Mikoto looking for the other and having this discussion with the other. As Milgram is full of double meanings. I'd just interpretted for example this line,

"Please tell me it’s a mistake, that’s it’s a lie. That I’m right, I’ll forgive you If you tell me now."

As not only being directed at the audience but the other (John) as well.

Though that's just how i enjoy looking at it. Ah, this response is probably longer than you were expecting. But yeah that's mostly all of the thoughts that went into writing it and how I feel about it after Double's release.

So, in regards to your question in Mikoto's part where he was hearing the voices and the other speaks for a bit it was more so as though he spaced out for a moment. He didn't really see the space himself. While at the beginning of the others they were just hanging out there to feel closer to Mikoto in a way. Hope that makes sense.

[kilibaggins]

how about tony stark for the touch prompts !?

Pinky Promise | Tony Stark

tony stark x reader

Prompt I Got: doing a pinky swear

Summary: Tony has a hard time with promises but the one Reader makes him take isn't that hard to keep. - mostly just sweetness but maybe a tiny tiny bit sad at points (but not enough to be angst)

A/N: honestly writing this was SO fun? writing tony was amazing, honestly writing marvel in general is a lot of fun and i really enjoy doing it thank you for requesting! this came out longer than i meant it too but i like it!

Warnings: mentions tony has past relationships, violence mention but not descriptive, and tony drinks whiskey for like a second.

Word Count: 850

Tony Stark had never been the type of guy to keep his promises to his partners. Alright, maybe that's a bit... Harsh. He tried! He's always tried at least a bit to keep to his word to his partners, but he also can't remember a time when it was top priority. All of his partners have been quick relationships that usually came to be because either he or the other person had some sort of other motive outside of love.

Though, with you, it's different. With you it feels like every little part of him wants to make sure you're happy, that you have everything you could want, that everything you ask for you receive.

Which, for him, once you start asking him to make promises is where it gets difficult.

You see, while Tony may want to give you everything and wants to make sure he keeps your promises it feels terrifying. Making promises that could easily be broken even by himself or by the situation he's in is very difficult for him.

So when you look at him with your little smile before a mission, your pinky out and ready to make a pinky promise with him he looks at you skeptically. He raises his whiskey to his lips and takes a drink.

"Nope, put that away," He says, only half joking, as he sets the glass down on the bar and walks in the opposite direction of you. You sigh and walk after him, your pinky still in the air. "Those things always get me in trouble."

He's... Technically right. Over the last few months that you've been together you've made him promise quite a few things that he ended up not being able to keep and you two have gotten into small arguments about it, though those arguments never lasted long you couldn't stay mad at him. One time in particular that you both remember is how you had made him promise to go on a date with you at the fancy restaurant in town but then someone had called him needing his help, so he had accidentally stood you up. It had broken your heart, at the time, but now you see it wasn't entirely his fault.

Promises, to Tony, are like handcuffing yourself to the Hulk. One moment he might be fine and watching the bees and the next he could fling you across the room. Promises are the same way, in that the ability to keep them is unpredictable.

"This one won't!" You say, catching up to him and softly grabbing his coat and pulling him around to look at you. He sighs and looks up at the ceiling, trying not to look into your soft eyes that always make him give in. "You'll be fine with this one!"

Tony looks down at you finally and as soon as he looks in your eyes he knows he's gone. Curse you and your stupid small smile and your stupid face and your stupid bright eyes that make him fall deeper in love. He knows that no matter what you ask for, no matter what promise you ask him to keep, he'll agree to it. He raises an eyebrow, faking indifference.

"Oh yeah? What is it, then?" He asks, kicking himself for even letting you ask it because he knows he's screwed.

You hold out your pinky to him, and he sighs softly knowing that this simple little ceremony makes it even harder for him. He holds out his pinky and waits for you to tell him what he's promising you.

"Promise me..." You trail off for a second, your smile falling slightly. Tony's eyebrows furrow, realizing you're upset and trying to come up with any reason why you would be, different theories flying through his mind at the speed of light. "Promise me you'll be safe."

Oh.

Tony quickly wraps his pinky with yours and moves closer to you, looking deeply into your eyes. He lets his other hand rest on your waist.

"I can do that." He says it matter-of-factly, like there's no doubt in the world. "I promise."

Your frown turns back into a smile and you lean up to kiss him. Missions have always been scary for you whether you were a part of them or not. Letting Tony put himself in danger all the time was hard on you and you just wish you could make it so he never had to do it again. You pull away from the kiss, your pinky still clutching his.

"Good, cause if you died it'd be an inconvenience," You say, obviously joking with the man in front of you. He rolls his eyes and let's go of your pinky.

"Oh don't worry I wouldn't want to ruin your time with my funeral," He snarks, but when you look at his face he's smiling widely at you.

And when the mission is over and you're both in bed, laying under the fancy open roof room he put in so you two could stare up at the stars, you laugh.

"Told you it wouldn't get you in trouble."

[soaringsearingphoenix]

hey, hope you're okay! x

Hi hi!!! I'm doing alright, thanks for checking in! I've been in a fairly productive swing recently, as far as trying to stay motivated to complete the classes I'm in currently. Motivation is an unpredictable muse for me, so when I feel compelled to do something that I think I actually SHOULD be doing, I try to let that wave carry me as far as it can. I think I could make a surfing metaphor here if I were from the part of California where people surf.

Anyways, as it ramped up into Midterms season I learned how to use my laptop's firewall and I blocked anything that is really "catchy" to me, anything that feeds the ADHD urge to fidget without actually making me feel good about it when I'm done, anything where once I log on I won't be able to voluntarily pull myself away for at least an hour.

That means Instagram, tumblr, and this one 2048 game spinoff that is four times the size and moves at an absolutely glacial pace, which I'd been playing for months

I don't use fb anymore but I blocked that too, just for fun. And I! Still procrastinate sometimes lol. But it's mostly things I can set down when I want to. And even the little bit of time it freed up, I've been trying to use that to do things that keep me healthy. I've been walking when the weather permits, and actually taking notes about what foods help me concentrate and what the timing of eating them should be relative to the other things I should try to do, like sleep or work on homework.

And some of the homework is fun! I'm in a music theory class. I'm finally learning the jargon that seemed so unapproachable. And I have an excuse to be at the keyboard that people around me actually treat as a priority and not a distraction! It's not all rainbows (life is Difficult) - this is all good news but it's also kind of about managing bad habits that were getting out of hand. That's a whole separate topic. But today in particular I'm really proud of myself! Yesterday I told myself I needed to get some homework done, and then I did! PLUS had some time while it was still light outside to plant some flowers for my mom. I'm feeling good about that.

TL;DR: Thanks again so much for checking in.

I'm mostly staying off tumblr at least until school lets out. I thought about making a post to explain that but I wasn't sure I would actually follow through until I did. There are a lot of people on here I knew I would miss though and I did because y'all are such a genuine joy to interact with. Tumblr is SO bad for my procrastination though, I don't think that's news to anyone lol

i'm gonna sign out again for a bit but I might pin this if you can do that with asks.

[calamity-bean]

belated review of 2022

I'd intended to post this around the New Year, which would've made sense for a "recapping the year" sort of post, yeah? Unfortunately, the days around NYE ended up being rather stressful. My cat was sick — she's fine now, nothing to show for it but a few funny bald patches where the vets had to shave her — and so at the time I was far too busy fretting to want to write this. But I figure it's still early enough in this year to reflect on the last one.

I've always struggled with social anxiety. I'm much better at handling it now than I was as a teen — at least, I'm much better at acting chill despite it — but I still often find it very difficult to put myself into new situations or get to know new people. As an introvert, it's just so easy to find an excuse to stay home, y'know? My kitty cat is at home! Why wouldn't I want to stay there with her?

But, for 2022, I set myself a goal. Every month, I would try one new thing. A class, a social or hobby-based group, an activity — something new, preferably something that got me out and about, meeting new people with interests or experiences similar to my own.

I didn't meet my goal of one a month. But I did:

— Join a really great book club! It took a couple tries, but I found one filled with intelligent, interesting, compassionate people who enjoy truly digging into the themes and ideas of whatever we read. The people in a book club, imo, are far more important than the books themselves, and this group truly brings me back to the good-spirited debates and meandering conversations I so enjoyed as a lit major back in school.

— Start dancing! And I have never been a dancer. I have always been stiff and self-conscious about my body; I've never been good at catching the rhythm of music and certainly never impressed on the dance floor of a wedding reception or a club. But I love my dance classes. Dancing with other people (like, holding each other and whatnot) took a bit of getting used to — I've never been comfortable touching people I don't know — but the other regulars at class are all fun and respectful, and I'm enjoying getting to know them. And I'm still a bit stiff, yes, but improving fast.

— Start learning Spanish! For practical reasons as well as simply the pleasure of learning. I ought to have learned better Spanish long ago anyway, better than the very little I knew before, and although obviously much more time and practice are required to get me anywhere near proficiency, I can at least say that I've kept up my Duolingo streak unbroken since the day I started months ago.

— Find a board game group! I've only been a couple times so far, but it's a fun way to spend an evening and I mean to go back again.

— Work out semi-regularly! I don't know exactly how regularly because I don't keep track and I do not fucking intend to. In the past, I have found that trying to hold myself to a strict gym routine was not productive. It created a sense of pressure that I found exhausting and demoralizing rather than motivating, and once I failed to keep to the schedule, I'd give up. So now I go to the gym when I feel like it, go for a walk when I feel like it, do it for however long I feel like it and don't worry if it's been a while. And doing it this way makes me actually look forward to the way my body and mind feel with exercise rather than dreading the obligation.

— Try a few yoga classes! I'm still not sure whether yoga per se is for me, but I think it, or something like it, would be good for me. I get cardio, but I need to find a way to build strength and flexibility as well. I have made a (semi-regular) habit of informal stretching, though, which helps.

There were also a few things that I tried but didn't stick with: a different book club whose style didn't suit me, a social group where I didn't vibe with the people, etc. In those cases, I went a couple times and then decided they weren't for me. But at least I tried them. And I have managed also to find time for my arts and crafts, which are not new things but are important to me.

2022 was not all good for me. I know that this post paints a very rosy view; like much social media, it focuses on the positive to the point of coming off pretty boastful, I fear. Rest assured, my loved ones and I have faced our own sorrows, misfortunes, setbacks, and disappointments this year as well.

But I'm much luckier than many, and I'm really glad to have put myself out there and pushed myself as much as I did this year. It's led to some awkward situations! Some bitter political fights with strangers, some weird first (and last) dates! But also a lot of enjoyment, intellectual stimulation, variety, and acquaintanceships that I hope can become friendships with time.

I have not made a formal resolution this year, but I intend to keep up the new hobbies I found last year and continue trying out new ones. I hope you, too, found something you loved in 2022, and I hope we all find peace, respite, and fulfillment in 2023.