#lets keep a kid in an abusive situation “for the greater good”

[avengerscountrybumpkin]

I feel like Dumbledore is the manifestation of the term, "doing a bad thing for a good reason."

[agentrouka-blog]

Sorry if this is the wrong place to ask or if I'm being a silly goose but why do so many fans think Aria's story is about justice? From my pov it's always been about revenge/vengeance. Most "justice" she seeks to achieve is often hypocritical or just plain flawed (e.g. condemning a child-murderer while concealing her own crime of child-murder, thinking Dareon deserved to die when we all know she wouldn't think the same for Jon, having a kill list of horrible murderers but 5 of the 7 people she's killed were presumably innocent people). Even when she is taught how to kill a person in a quick and merciful way (which is what the law should do when doling out capital punishment) she immediately disregards it and resolves to terrorize her targets and/or have them suffer (the tickler, hound, and Raff). Obviously she's a kid that’s been through hell and her misdeeds arent exactly held to the same standard as an adult's misdeeds, but it just baffles me when I see people make edits or claims that she'd be a great justiciar or lawman or something. Are people just confusing justice with revenge or am I just a dummy that doesn't see it? Thank you.

The important thing to keep in mind here is that Arya's arc is not complete.

She is, like the other Starklings, currently at the extreme outward point of being alienated from her roots and from where she wants to be. Vengeance and vigilantism is just a distorted version of what justice is supposed to be, after all. She did not start out there, and she will not end there. Arya is going to move on from her current situation. Her extreme disillusionment is eventually going to turn back to a sense of creative investment in the world.

Vengeance, mercy and justice all feature for Arya. She gave fresh fountain water to the guilty men at Stoney Sept, the same way we see her tend the black poison pool at the House of Black and White. She had her faith in justice brutally shaken from the "trial" at Darry to Ned's execution to the trial by combat in the weirdwood cave to witnessing constant cruelty and abuse from all sides of the war. It's not surprising that vigilantism and vengeance seem like logical conclusions to her.

She now has to learn why it is not justice, why it constitutes its own form of abuse of power. That's why questions of privilege and classism feature just as prominently in her story. Justice is broken if it is not equal. Justice is broken if power is not shared for the greater good. Justice is not arbitrary, not the providence of the lone wolf - it is communal.

Ultimately, Arya has to find a way to create true justice in the world, by using her own privilege and investing it in the world around her. It is a balance of interests, a trade between injury and compensation that aims not for perpetuating wrath but enabling harmony within society. She has to make her peace with an imperfect world.

The imagery of balancing (on her toes, on tree branches, between identities) and blindness (literal, in darkness, in ignorance or bias) is very prominent for her, alongside the image of the sword. It is the symbolism of Justitia: blindfolded, carrying scales in one hand and a sword in the other.

And then there is the imagery of water and rain.

The quality of mercy is not strain'd. It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven Upon the place beneath. It is twice blest: It blesseth him that gives and him that takes. (The Merchant of Venice)

The bars were too narrow to pass a cup through, but Harwin and Gendry offered her a leg up. She planted a foot in Harwin's cupped hands, vaulted onto Gendry's shoulders, and grabbed the bars on top of the cage. The fat man turned his face up and pressed his cheek to the iron, and Arya poured the water over him. He sucked at it eagerly and let it run down over his head and cheeks and hands, and then he licked the dampness off the bars. (ASOS, Arya V)

She isn't performing this act of mercy by herself, she could not have. She needs to stand on the hands and shoulders of a smith and a former servant. Because they believe in her choice and her cause.

That is the kind of imagery we will return to before her arc is completed.

[thornquillthefiendish]

Sometimes I think about Leopardstar.

She’s always been a character I’ve been kind indecisive over. Hated her as a kid, mainly because of the whole situation with greystripes kits and Stonefur, felt really unsure about her as an adolescent and…I’m still really unsure about her as a character, but I know that when I think of her now I think of her as this. Morally grey, but heavily flawed person who honestly doesn’t want or mean to cause suffering, she just seems to constantly find herself in the thick of the worst situations, most of the time, at her own fault.

I think a lot of it in my own head has to do with a need to be strong, to be above certain things and certain emotions, maybe some sort of concept of a greater good that in her own mind does call for great sacrifices. She’s just always been kind of this sad, embittered leader that seems to figure it out a bit too late? It’s like her character works like a backwards bluestar, she begins with an innate paranoia over the same things most clan cats fear, and those ideals just seem to lead her to ruin when in truth she can be a good leader, she’s just stubborn and disconnected from others. There’s always this great strength in her presence, but a coldness that follows that seems so sad. I wish in canon the idea of her being heavily flawed, but still carrying love and concern for her clan was more explored, especially in relation to tigerstar.

How I see the TigerClan alliance currently within respect to Leopardstar is an attempt at a calculated move with some emotional leeway in there. I think Leopardstar felt she could reign tigerstar in somehow due to her own power, and maybe had he not other forces accompanying him, she’d be right, but Tigerstar was clever, and he knew she’d try to get at his throat, which is why he had an entourage, of course. Even if she tried to pull her own power on him or any clever tricks, he’d have other warriors around him to keep her in check. I feel like behind the scenes there was a silent power struggle happening between the two, one that tigerstar ultimately one for a short period of time due to the connections he’d formed, but I don’t think Leopardstar is wholly innocent. I feel like in some way she did agree deep down with tigerstar on a lot of things, maybe not to the same extent, but they carried similar opinions on the code, especially considering the existence of outsiders within the clans, and tigerstar definitely took advantage of those already preexistent doubts on loyalty to freely abuse his power, even in her presence. Of course Leopardstar found some of his ideas to be completely abhorrent — but in the face of it all, of all that he said and how much it all just made sense to her, of course she listened, he spoke of the code, and the code had been her life - her lives were given to her to uphold this code, and faced with the responsibility she must uphold and two lives in a world she knows takes without pity, she chose her duty. When her friend and deputy spoke against it, she hoped he’d see it the way she’d seen it too — but, Stonefur, good hearted and brave and naive to the world even now refused it. He died for that. And she will never swallow that guilt, that she let him die, almost let silverstream’s kits die. But, she can’t find her way out of this maze that is what is right and what is wrong, and now she’s deep in to go back.

In her own way, she’s a tragic character, one I think felt she constantly failed where she felt she could no longer do so. Always striving for greatness and better days, but finding she cannot escape the shadow of her past mistakes, partly because she can’t bare the sight of it all, of all the lives she’s ruined and the things she’s taken part in destroying. The guilt is suffocating, and not even time can heal these wounds, not when they keep tearing themselves open again.

[hokusu]

Let's talk about Hawks

People who are mad at Hawks supposedly "defending" abuser Endeavor or why he keeps backing him up, waiting for him or planning around Endeavor in the fight... but not realizing there's a difference in supporting in battle vs. supporting his abuse (which he's not) when that is two separate issues and not stopping to think what this means for Hawks are completely missing the point that these actions from Hawks is not a reflection of Endeavor's character or the kind of undeniably (shitty, abusive) parent that he is, but instead of Hawks.

We know Endeavor is an abuser, that isn't excused (Hawks himself had never excused his actions either!!) and yes it's frustrating we haven't seen consequences for Endeavors' actions...YET. But directing those frustrating feelings and blaming Hawks for his "support" and crudely calling him names is SO wrong and misjudged.

What Hawks is saying or doing doesn't speak for who Endeavor is on the abusive side nor does it excuse his actions. Instead, it's about Hawks.

Did you all forget Hawks is a victim of abuse too? That his own parents were abusive? That the HPSC continued that child abuse by turning him into a child solider and he went through things no child should have ever been through (horrible things only hinted at in pieces and from Nagant but we haven't seen the extent of yet)? 

Do you realize how much an abused child is forced to cope or mature unhealthily in stressful, traumatic, life or death situations? Hawks never had a choice, it was dying on the streets or "becoming a hero with HPSC", which again it's not like he had much choice in. No matter how much child Keigo thought "he wanted to be a hero". That “want” itself says volumes about how Hawks was brought up. Hero Endeavor "saved" him by putting his father in jail. The thought of being a Hero means he's USEFUL.

Hawks has shown a very strong need to be of use, of being useful enough after his parents constantly told him he was useless and that he had wings for nothing. It’s why he’s willing to corrupt himself if it means keeping more people safe, it’s why he’s always willing to fight with everything he has even if it means sacrificing himself FOR EVERYONE ELSE. It's likely why he constantly apologizes for everything, without hesitation, taking the blame even for things beyond his control or that aren't his fault. This is something he’s done even as a kid, apologizing to his abusive parents.

So when Hawks says "I gotta be here to support him", "I have to stand by him", "your only duty is defeating AFO", "He'll come back, I just need to keep fighting"?  He's not supporting Endeavor's abuse, and it's not directly about Endeavor.

It's about Hawks' character, his past, his coping mechanism, his feelings that have been "left" behind him and not about how he's excusing an abuser (which he IS NOT). What Hawks is doing/saying speaks about himself.

Hawks, as he tells us, is the kind of person that “breaks away” his feelings so that he can keep going. It’s why we never see him truly dwell on the past or the things that he’s done or been through. He's focusing on the mission, he's focusing on defeating AFO, the actual life or death situation at hand. Because that's what he's literally been trained to do as a child brought up by HPSC: focus on the mission, focus on the greater good. 

He's willing to push aside his feelings over what's happened (whatever those feelings are that we haven't seen, because Hawks is someone who hasn't dealt with his own feelings ever), to deal with what's the most important right now: defeat AFO and save lives. 

And if he's sacrificing himself to help Endeavor? If he's "supporting" Endeavor in fighting? If he's willing to die to give Endeavor a fighting chance to save the world? If he’s fighting with everything he has to buy enough time just because he can sense Endeavor is still alive and thus it means he can still fight? That's because Endeavor is the number 1 hero right now, which means logically their best shot at defeating AFO (even if we haven’t seen him do much, logically, he is suppose to have the best fighting chance/strength at taking AFO down and that is the most important).

Hawks knows he can't do it himself, and definitely not with his wings not completely healed. He believes the ONLY USE he is right now and all that he can do is support Endeavor vs AFO. IN WAR. THEY ARE AT LITERAL WAR IN THE MIDDLE OF BATTLE AGAINST THE MAIN VILLAIN. And Hawks needs to be useful. Because again, Hawks is always always thinking about if he can be useful.

Of course, we see that Hawks is more, of course even if he doesn't believe he is enough to take down AFO, he won't stop or die trying and we see that. Look at him these two chapters 354 & 355, he's even accepted the help of Tokoyami and Jirou. He's trying literally with everything he has even with so few feathers left.

So him waiting and planning for Endeavor to fight as he supports that fight is NOT at all saying he's supporting what Endeavor has done or the actions of an abuser. Just because we haven't seen him berate him for this, just because we haven't seen him call Endeavor out on it -- that does not mean he supports those actions. No way in hell did he ever say anything along the lines of abuse is ok or even that it's ok Endeavor abused his family. The point is really just that Hawks has a one track mind. Hawks is constantly willing to disregard and de-attach his own feelings to save everyone else and he is doing his best to be useful in the only way he knows how: helping defeat AFO.

We have never seen Hawks truly stop and process what's happened. We have never seen the thoughts of him dealing with all the things that have happened to him from HPSC taking him in, him being a child solider, him willing to corrupt and sacrifice himself if it means saving everyone else, him having to kill Twice to save hundreds more, him having his wings burned off and even now still dealing with the consequences of it, him having his entire life broadcast on television, and even him finding out that his childhood idolization of a hero who "saved" him was in fact just disturbingly like his own father. 

Between enduring his broken families' abuse and training to kill with HPSC where do you think he ever had a moment to stop and think and process anything in his own life? He didn't, he's been in fight for survival mode since he was a kid. He's kept all his emotions in, bearing the unbearable, doing anything he can to just not turn into the "broken people" that was his parents. Hawks pushes his feelings away well (he always has) and focuses on the one track of saving lives instead.

And this situation where he has to focus on the mission, is no different.

No, it's not healthy and no, it’s not right for Hawks to never process things, but you can't blame Hawks for being this way because of his own past and traumas that made him this way. Hawks has never had a normal life or upbringing, he sure as hell isn't going to have a "normal" reaction either. Hawks' behavior and only showing us his thoughts of AFO and the best way to "support" Endeavor in war (I repeat, in war ONLY), does not mean Hawks has justified or excused Endeavor's abuse at all.

Endeavor IS an abuser who should pay the consequences, but that is irrelevant to Hawks, who has never done anything to deserve being dragged in the mud with derogatory names when he has only "supported" Endeavor as a HERO in war to STOP the war.

You don't have to like Hawks, but to attack another abused character, to hate or get mad at Hawks for these wrong reasons and above all, accuse of him of defending an abuser, when he has never excused or defended Endeavor's abusive actions?

That's just a baseless, very misdirected, one dimensional misunderstanding and mis-characterization of who Hawks is and what he's gone through his whole life.

[hollyhomburg]

Before I leave You (Part 2)

(Omegaverse au, Mafia au, Bts x Reader)

Summary: On the worst days, Yoongi is judge, jury, and executioner. But he judges you and finds you worthy of protecting (and loving too).

Pairing: Beta! Yoongi, Omega! Reader, Omega! Jungkook, Omega! Seokjin, Alpha! Namjoon, Alpha! Hoseok, Alpha! Taehyung, Alpha! Jimin,

Tags: Dead bodies, blood, murder/crime themes, guilt, childhood trauma, drugs (cocaine, heroine), domestic abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, controlling behavior, implications of omega mistreatment/discrimination, anorexia, blood, graphic depictions of violence, manipulation, morally gray Yoongi, graphic (dreamed) death scenes

W/c: 16.0k

A/n: ahhhh somehow this part gave me a lot of trouble and i just feel like i can’t get it the way i want it T-T it’s so long holy fuck, it’s hard to believe that before editing this was only 4k words. i hope you like this chapter! im upset with myself for how long this is

Previous part — Masterlist

Part 2: The Don

Maybe this is the better time to tell you how Yoongi found you- and why he left in the first place. Like with most good tragedies, this story starts with a death and a secret.

While betas are valued mostly for their level heads- they’re also more valued as secret keepers. Yoongi is probably the best secret keeper in the whole state- maybe the whole country even. Most of the time- he keeps his family's secret so well that he doesn’t even let himself think about them.

Yes, his blood family. Not his found family. I get that it’s confusing, but ‘blood family’ couldn’t be more accurate when it came to talking about the people that Yoongi was actually related to. They're the ones that painted Yoongi’s hands with blood like they were painting the mona lisa, when he was barely old enough to drive a car, let alone learn how to be a murderer and get away with it. You're one of us now- no escaping it. Down to the marrow in your bones Min Yoongi- You are one of us.

Being a beta born into a mafia family is both a blessing and a curse. On one hand- Yoongi was expected to have little hand in most of the violence. Tradition said that the betas shouldn’t sully their hands with blood and gunpowder on the daily, doing the dirty work only when the situation called for it. A special touch- a unique ruthlessness. 

On the worst days, Yoongi is judge, jury, and executioner.

He’d grown up outside of the normal hierarchy that was inflicted on the rest of his siblings and cousins, immune from the constant warring families and jostling for power, Left to his own devices through childhood and most of his adulthood. It didn’t matter which family was really his- because Yoongi would serve the greater interests of the pack.

That didn't mean he hadn't seen everything; the peoples whose lives they'd ruined with drugs. Rich socialites, and college kids alike turned to wraiths in months by his family's heroine. The prostitutes that looked at Yoongi’s father like he was their next meal ticket.

Yoongi was 13 when he first touched a dead body, and he remembers the vile of it. He’d thrown up afterwards pushed by the realization that one day- he’d be still and rotting like that.  

The other mobsters had laughed at his squeamishness as if he’d made some sort of childish joke. His father petting down his hair like he was just some little kid who had the flu. "It’s okay, he'll get used to it in time" if anything, this was something to laugh about- look at the kid and his squeamishness, he'll get a handle it on it soon- you know how you were at that age.

It was then that Yoongi realized that he wasn’t like them. He’d never get used to this and never find it something to revel in. He'd either find a way to bring it all down, or he'd leave, and never come back as soon as he was able. Foolish dreams, you can't wish the bad blood out of your veins and off of your hands no matter how hard you try. 

Blood is blood, no matter who it’s in or what it’s on. 

Having him on a job was considered both an honor and a threat. Because if the beta was checking that your operation was up to board then only the mafia Don had put him to the task. Even though Yoongi’s position has been decided for him- that doesn’t mean he’s exactly immune from the more political aspects of his birthright. 

Favors and kind words are a currency he traffics in, more than drugs or money or ghost guns. “I’m sorry I don’t have time to drop the shipment off, I’m sure you’re sympathetic, our baby beta- you’re growing up so well your mother must be so proud. She knows how stressful it is- having so many pups at once. Make sure you take a gram for yourself.” and that’s how Yoongi would end up trekking kilos of cocaine across the city as a teenager.

Yoongi’s sub-gender was a tremendous advantage on the more difficult jobs. How many times had he been the getaway driver during a murder? Death sitting in the backseat of his car and yoongi in the driver's seat, a body in the trunk, stopped by the police. The officers always straighten up when they see Yoongi, his scent hitting them and making them flinch. “I’m sorry officers, but I’m really in a hurry, you don’t really need my license and registration do you?”

And of course they’d always replied with “We’re sorry to bother you, have a nice night sir.” He’d been sir since the first second he’d started to lose his baby face.

 You just didn’t interfere with the business of a beta, even if that business was murder, racketeering, prostitution, drugs, and illegal firearms among a dozen other institutions that the mafia was involved in. 

What had once been more than a dozen different organized crime families with decades of war between them had joined nearly three generations ago as one united front. They’re unstoppable and more organized than the local government to be perfectly honest. There is no larger organization on this side of the country. Only Yoongi’s crime family, all others that begin to sprout like weeds get firmly squashed under their heal once they reach a certain size.

Now that he lives away, Yoongi’s only job is to settle internal disputes. Like which out of two twins would inherit a father’s title, spats between the families, and slights dealt that required mending for the good of the organization. He’s far enough away that he rarely has to actually commit a crime. He’s gotten used to the calls at all hours of the day, encrypted conversations that he can’t avoid.

Leaving has been a source of contention ever since he left, after his parent's death when he just couldn't handle being surrounded by death anymore. They’d died suddenly, and Yoongi doesn't even really remember the last time he saw them. It had been a regular morning that had passed as thousands of others had, unremarkable except for the fact that it was last time he would see them alive. 

Yoongi’s always had a sensitive heart, and rest of the family just thought he was dealing with the grief of losing his parents when he ran away. They thought it was that- and not a dedication of his soul and a rejection of what they wanted to make of him. Yoongi wouldn’t let himself become a monster. 

There are maybe two dozen Min’s left. And as the holder of the successive beta, they’re awarded more power than the other families, that and the fact that the don was also the child of a min, gave them a near controlling interest in the business of the pack. 

Without his parents, Yoongi’s older brother had been put in charge, 23 and ready to prove himself just as much of a ruthless leader as Yoongi’s father had been. His older brother might have flourished under the new title of head of house, but Yoongi felt like he was drowning without his parents. Without his mother to remind him of what it was like to live and not just survive- Yoongi felt like he was dying. 

His upbringing had made Yoongi leader, and had made Geumjae, his older brother, a killer. 

While Yoongi had grown up with the safety of his sub-gender to shield him from the worst parts of mafia life, Geumjae had not had the same luxury. Pulled into backroom deals and showed the finer points of torture at an age young enough to be proper and polite about it (And to not alert the federal government or the police.)

One of Yoongi’s cousins had tried to go to the FBI after being grounded before- a foolish reaction to not being allowed to go out with his friends. A stupid child- but the family hadn’t seen that- no- the family had left barely a thimbleful of him left for his parents who had barely even cried for their son. There is no room for moles or dissent in their family. You’re either with them and alive or against them and dead. 

Geumjae had found the bloodshed something to reveal it- something to love just as much as Yoongi had found love in those 6 souls across the country. Geumjae had only blood and money to pad the inside of his heart.

It feels weird to think that he doesn’t know his own brother. But they haven’t even seen each other in the nearly ten years since their parents died and Geumjae took his father's spot as the head of household. 

It had been easy to leave him behind, they’d never been close and Geumjae hadn’t tried to stop him when Yoongi had put what little money they had in the house in a bag and run. He’d made it 4 months with no contact; foolishly, he'd assumed that they just didn't know where he was until one of his uncles had turned up at his shitty apartment. A cell phone held out to him and his grandfather- the Don- On the other end of the line. Who’d lost his patience with the youth at last. 

It helped that he wasn’t the only beta in the pack and the only one to bear the brunt of the decision-making. The other beta kept themselves firmly in the pocket of the Don, rarely every more than a few feet away from him. That was Yoongi’s fate, shackled to whoever had the position next. Though their partnership has more to do with love than any sort of business agreement. 

Yoongi’s grandfather was a sweet man despite his title and the thousands of deaths he’d build his empire upon. Yoongi’s proximity to what was dubbed as the royal pair, was a lucky thing- they’d mentored him for years to prepare him for his eventual job. All of this, the murder and the secrets- was all an internship essentially. He needed to know how every faction of the family worked in order to make sure it ran smoothly in the future. Connections he built now would serve him years down the line. 

They’d both been soft on him, With no children on their own, Yoongi bore the brunt of what parental urges they had. If he’d been anyone else, they would have sent an assassin to drag him back in a body bag, but they hadn’t. “As long as you come back Yoongi- none of us care, I know you’re a good kid. You know what’s expected of you.”

The same uncle had helped set up a secure phone line at the coffee shop, and a few months later a statuesque omega had started working there and that was that. Yoongi's distance from the family was conditional at best but tense at worse. And Essencial once Seokjin worked his way into Yoongi’s life, like a delicately cultivated flower.

He missed a call once, and the gang sent someone to make sure he was alright. Yoongi had narrowly avoided leading them straight back to his and Jin’s apartment. They probably know who Seokjin is. It would be stupid of them not too keep tabs on their beta and whom he was shacking up with.

But that didn’t mean Yoongi could explain why an alpha with as many tattoos as scars was knocking on their door at three in the afternoon. It had taken a few hours to convince one of the mobster that he was alright. Hours in which Seokjin had called, his texts getting increasingly more worried. Yoongi had put his phone on silent. 

They can’t know- no one can know where most of Yoongi’s money comes from. He was fine living just paycheck-to-paycheck before Seokjin. But once the pack started growing, Yoongi took on more and more responsibilities as a moderator just to provide for them.

His goals has changed over the years; tearing down the gang was a stupid childish dream, as impossible as it was suicidal. He knows they'd kill him in a second if he so much as walked into a police station. It’s Better to operate from within and try to lessen their damage. If Yoongi can save a few lives, that’s better than losing his own life and letting the system continue unchecked over his dead body.

It makes him feel better about taking money from his family (Though that money was only given to him with expectations attached to it). He gets a monthly stipend that fluctuates, his cut of their profits. Sometimes it’s a little more than a few hundred and other times thousands more than they could use. The blood money gets hidden away in a bank account that only he can access, that he uses here and there whenever they really needed it. 

Like when Seokjin’s car broke down and they needed to buy a new one. Or when Taehyung had needed to get a new computer for work, or Jungkook's endless medical expenses. It’s a good cushion- the only safety net that they have beyond each other.

He’d never use enough to make the others suspicious- because as much as he trusts them, years of witnessing life in a gang has taught him one thing; that it’s better not to know than it is to know what’s going on. Ignorance is bliss and plausible deniability can save your life. He does not doubt that the rest of the family is well aware of who their prized beta is hanging out with, that they keep close tabs on the seven of them and how much they might know. Yoongi often hides behind the power awarded to him because of his status to keep his real family safe.

Simultaneously he has all of the power and none of it. No responsibility to actually carry out any of the bloodshed- but every major decision of succession would go through him. and that alone was enough to put a target on his back. 

The only reason why the organization can survive is because of Yoongi. Without him, they’d tear themselves apart. All of the others might be the killers, but Yoongi is the enabler. The one who walks hand in hand with death and gets to decide when to sick his beast on the world.

Should we eliminate our rivals Yoongi? Should we clear that little apartment block just to pad our pockets with a high-rise? How about this pack that saw too much? Do you think the pack alpha deserves to live? Live or die Yoongi, what's your choice?

The leash goes both ways, He came when called. To help the elder beta and the don talk through his decision on who would inherit the title of the next Don when it became clear that neither of them would be alive much longer. 

He didn’t expect them to die while he was in transit. The beta had passed first, and then the Don a few hours later.  It’s strange for many of them to think of a beta loving someone so much that they’d stay in one place for a year- let alone the 40 that the last Don’s partner had stayed.

But Yoongi knows exactly what it feels like to love someone enough that society’s expectations are only a backdrop. Yoongi knew the beta woman well even though they weren’t blood-related. And that weekend- he mourns her just as much as he mourns his full-blooded grandfather.

Many in the family think them dying so close to each other is a little bit too fortuitous to be entirely accidental or age. The shadow of an unseen threat hangs in the balance. Murdered or dead, what does it matter? The effect is the same.

There is no Don right now, there is only Yoongi. And the decision of who will inherit the empire lies solely on his shoulders. 

The rules of secession are simple and laid out in terms that the families do not argue with; to be eligible a contender must have direct lineage from one of the founding families. No adopted members or outsiders, older than 25 but younger than 55 because the fewer changes of power the better.  If they kept merely picking the eldest, the don would die and change once or twice every decade. And last- no omegas or betas, the Don can only be an alpha. 

Yoongi will choose the successor by himself. And If by chance he dies before choosing one, it would come down to a vote between the 12 heads of house. 

Coming back feels like walking into a nightmare.

Yoongi’s always been able to put a subtle swagger on, he can walk like one of them and talk like one of them. And he feels his persona drape over him like a shroud. He knows how his eyes look when he tilts his face downwards, when he lifts his lip in a soundless snarl and stares at them like they’re all beneath him. He lets his angry ocean scent roll off of him in waves- a warning before he appears. They expect it from him- the disconcerted beta. 

He hasn’t thrown up because of a dead body in years, but the matching caskets almost do it to him. 

He gets more than a few tearful hugs and reunions when he walks into the cathedral. The guards at the front do not stop and ask him who he is, Anyone who's anyone knows who Yoongi is. Arguably- he’s the most important (alive) person at the funeral. 

He wades through the crowd. The hundreds of people packed tight to pay their respects. All members of the family have pinned roses to their lapels as a sign of respect, white for the omegas, and red for the alphas. The omega youth who hands them out at the front desk eyes Yoongi upset, unsure which to give him, hand shaking as he flutters between white and red. 

“It's fine really- I’ll just take a white one-”

“I’ve got you” a woman steps up from the crowd gathered. She’s already got a red rose pinned to the lapel of her smooth suit, and she plucks a pink rose from a nearby bouquet and tucks it into his breast pocket. “We didn’t think you’d be coming.” 

She’s got short cropped brown hair, an alpha from the scent fluffing around him, peppermint- it almost has a numbing effect on his nostrils. an artificial edge that cuts the sweetness and makes it more alpha. Yoongi doesn’t recognize her until but knows they must be related. It takes him second of searching her face before he recognizes the tuck of her chin. 

“Moon Byulyi”

She smiles tensely, “it’s been a while Yoongi” Moonbyul he remembers well- from childhood's spent running around in too tight tiny stuffy suit jackets at formal occasions like easter and christmas. Playing underneath tables, one of the few pups that was brave enough to talk to him. 

Even as a pup, he’d been infamous. In the cathedral, people whisper, pointing him out in the crowd to their companions. 

Many families choose to send their children away from the mafia life before presentation. If you’re not a beta, those formative years can be a little bit dicey, with your scent and hormones changing every few days often provoking fights and spats with others your age. An improper and dangerous volatility in a family like theirs. Scents changing too quick until they solidify during a first heat and rut cycle. 

Not like Yoongi- who’s smelled like chocolate and seasalt since the second he was born. The marker of a beta is the immediately presenting scent, usually before the first year- unlike the other subgenders who smell uniform at birth. The soft pup smell that's ingrained into people's brains- to protect and provide and nourish. They’d known who he was and who he’d set out to become the second he was born.

There are boarding schools and private little Colonies of the mafia where unpresented pups can have a more dedicated education away from the families eyes. Yoongi hasn’t seen Moonbyul since just after she turned 13. And though the year’s stretch between them but she’s still the same, the mischievous lilt to her words more diffused here, she looks as tired and as anxious as they all feel. 

There is only one person in the room that Yoongi’s even a little bit afraid of. “Have you seen my brother?” she makes a noise, sending a glance behind him. Yoongi knows to turn before Geumjae can get too close, but it’s still too late. 

There are crows feet beginning to pull at the corners of his eyes, Geumjae must be nearly 33 now. His brother looks exactly like he did the last time Yoongi saw him, not taller than yoongi, but broader, his shoulders saying ‘alpha’ before his scent does. 

He pulls Yoongi close with a hard hand at his neck digging into his scent gland and Yoongi almost lets out a strangled growl. Geumjae forces them to embrace, the picture of brotherly affection and comfort as he presses Yoongi’s face into his shoulder, mouth pressed to his ear hidden in yoongi’s hairline so that no one can hear what he has to say to his younger brother.  

Yoongi wants to recoil from the closeness- the sensitivity of having anyone near his scent gland but his pack mates has his body screaming to react. But can’t pull away or else risk making a scene. 

There are no hello’s, no farce, just straight to business. 

“I hope you’re not planning to change anything Yoonie.” Geumjae says the childish nickname with a sickly sweet lilt to it. “It’s been so long since we’ve all seen you that you’re practically an outsider. There’s a lot you don’t understand. You should let your older brother teach you how things work again.” 

Yoongi can’t push Geumjae away- can’t- no matter how much his burning wood scent is sticking in his nose and making him want to cough. Geumjae’s expensive suit reeks of cologne at odds with his scent. Geumjae smells and acts like wildfires and burning houses- destructive and unpredictable.

The funeral is a time they all should be mourning their elder not making plans over his deathbed. But Geumjae seems to have a different idea of what is proper. He’s eligible for the next don position, and having his brother decide who gets to wear the crown is as good as having won the title already. 

Geumjae knows of Yoongi’s only weak spot. 

“All this talk has me thinking- if you died I guess we’d have to invite your pack huh little brother? And none of us would want that. I wonder why you didn’t bring them. If I didn’t know any better I’d think you were afraid of us getting our hands on them.” he pulls back, smiling- though it’s not friendly- more of a bearing of teeth. Geumjae must have had implants put in because his canines seem sharper than should be normal. “But I know we’ll never have to find out.”

Yoongi’s blood runs cold- he knows enough to read between the lines. They’re not even thinly veiled; these are real threats. Yoongi does his best to school his face into a somber frown. If Geumjae was threatening to bring his pack here with Yoongi’s death- he could only assume his life and theirs would be forfeit If he didn’t choose his older brother as the next leader. 

Even though there were others that would have done a better job. Even if Yoongi didn’t want him to have it. Geumjae is an eligible alpha it’s only natural that he’d want the power and money awarded to him the the Don position. 

He has to act carefully- deliberate. Maybe call Namjoon and tell him he’d be gone for a few more weeks than he thought, Though even that might be a risk. 

But still, Geumjae has more cards he needs to play to secure his title. And the next Don won’t be chosen for the next 120 days as is tradition. Until then Yoongi��s the one who will govern the affairs of the family who will be the voice of reason.

There will be no death and no punishments, A time for everyone to gather and mourn and talk about what needs to be done each voice heard in equal measure. It’s his job as the only beta left to make sure the family doesn’t fall prey to infighting while the next leader is being chosen.

As for the matter of succession, His older brother was the clear favorite among the families. Though the 20 or so other eligible family members who could take the role of the next Don would probably accuse Yoongi of being nepotistic. the rest of the families expected Yoongi to choose wisely.

He wasn’t the only alpha or the oldest male alpha by far and In Yoongi’s opinion, Geumjae was probably the worst alpha for the job. In Geumjae the others saw a gangster more bloodthirsty and crazy than half of them, and in their minds that was a good thing.

Yoongi doesn’t meet you at the funeral, but at the next family meal the following Saturday.

Though the Don’s house will sit vacant until the next one is chosen, they still have family dinners there. Not many of them are in possession of large enough tables to fit more than thirty people though Yoongi’s sure half of them are preparing their mansions otherwise. To have these meetings on their own turf might give them an advantage. 

The Don’s compounded mansion is neutral ground and yet, a reminder with its sprawling decadent expanse of what they all stand to gain if they convince Yoongi to choose their sons or daughters.

The heads of family are sat at the table done up in their finest suits and gowns, all black- it will be a little while before anyone feels comfortable wearing any color. Some family dinners are cooked by the grannies and the omegas- but this one is catered by a small staff. 

Your red lipstick is the one splotch of color at the table, and Yoongi spies more than one of the elders eyeing you with distaste. He doubts anyones explained to you the rule of ‘no color for the first 13 days after a death’. 

You’re at Geumjae's side, carefully poised, not a hair out of place as you smile and answer the questions asked to you politely- never instigating a conversation with another soul at the table. You’re his brother’s new omega wife (the fact that Yoongi never attended the wedding is something he’s teased about- but no one really minds. It's chalked up to his flightiness as a beta).

 You might be married to Geumjae, but that doesn’t mean you’re a head of house like the other wives. You’re an outsider, and as such- are always treated with a little bit of reluctance. You’re not related to any of them by blood, and that makes you dangerous, a risk. 

The wolves at the table eye you like you could be easy prey. 

At first, you’re unremarkable- if not for the gentle sweet scent that flicks across Yoongi’s nose, something refreshing that Yoongi can’t place. It’s something that makes him instantly miss his omegas back home. The yearning for them lighting little sparks of heat on his cheeks.Yoongi tells himself that’s the only reason why he finds his eyes hovering on you. 

Throughout the whole evening, you stick close to your husband’s side as a good omega should. One of the grannies praises you for it, for knowing your place, Yoongi rolls his eyes internally at that. You only find old sentiments like that here- gender roles are more strictly enforced within older packs. 

Not all couples wear mating marks and neither do either of you yet. Getting marked is more binding than a marriage pact- it’s as much as agreeing to share your soul with someone. Mating marks are a dangerous thing; If one part of the mated pair dies then the other has a strong chance of doing so too. It's one of the reasons why it’s not done so much anymore. 

Which is probably one of the reasons why most people in the family choose to have mating marks- especially if they commit to bringing in an outsider. You can’t snitch on someone who can smell when you’re lying; you can’t kill someone who dies if you do. One of Yoongi’s female cousins asks you about it you that admit- sounding a little too relieved to escape notice- that you’ve decided to wait until your next heat to solidify the mating.

Yoongi doesn’t miss the way that Geumjae’s fingers dig into your neck- a little too hard when you say it. Or the way that he can see faint bruises on your wrists when your sleeve falls down. Hidden partially by a set of thick silver bangles. A gift from Geumjae you say when Yoongi compliments them. Though Yoongi doesn’t say that they look more like shackles than like bracelets. You meet his eyes over the table and your gaze quickly flickers away. Your attention as fickle as a butterfly in a garden full of thorned roses. 

Yoongi has his suspicions already- and he’s only had one meal with you.

“Maybe you could show me where to find something like them” he comments idly, talking to omegas about trinkets isn't suspicious. The other omegas sat at the table are dressed like a bunch of haughty crows, bespeckled with enough diamonds to put a jewelry store out of business. “I think my omegas might like them something like that.” 

It’s a lie- both Jungkook and Seokjin hate heavy jewelry. Yoongi just wants to ask about the bruises he’s seen and get a read on you. You’re his sister in law for Christ’s sake- he should get to know you a little especially since you’re a part of the family now. Yoongi knows from experience how daunting they can be.

He’s the one person that you cannot refuse a request from, and neither can Geumjae. Though Yoongi can tell he wants to stop you and Yoongi from having a day to talk away from him when Yoongi insists that you go alone. More than one head of house nods encouragingly at Yoongi. They still see him as the youth who had a hard time handling bloodshed. All of them probably think he's going to check up on you and make sure the outsider isn't a threat.

He picks you up in a taxi the next day, and Yoongi treats you to coffee and shaved ice that you pick at. He can’t help but notice that the shirt you’ve worn is tighter today too- no possibility of the bruises on your wrist being spotted. As you talk about the wedding he missed, about the family, about anything but your husband.

You rarely meet eye contact but you’re both good at steering the conversation into safe territory. You like a lot of the same music, and you’re a fan of the same drama that Tae and Seokjin like to watch. That’s the first time Yoongi sees your face light up. Yoongi wonders what you have to escape if you’re this invested in a story that is not your own.

Yoongi doesn’t think he’s liked someone this quick, not since Namjoon or maybe the three Maknaes. Though that was less slow burning. Yoongi has barely spent 6 uninterrupted hours in your company and yet, he finds his hand hovering by yours, ready to pull you back when you almost step out into the street when a car speeds by. 

You lean into his space a little, blinking at the sudden loud noise, the car speeding past and honking at you to get out of the way. His hand still a vice around your upper arm pulled you in closer than should be proper. Whispering a small thank you with wide eyes that look up at him, Like you’re surprised that he thought to make sure you weren’t in harm's way. Yoongi doesn't know how you almost walked out into traffic, how you didn’t see the car coming. 

You remind Yoongi of a clumsy baby kitten or maybe like an alley cat that hasn’t committed, like you want to trust him but can’t yet. You look at Yoongi like you're half scared of him and half hopeful. He remembers feeling that way, so desperate for something to hold onto but so conscious of the fact that to hope means to invite in disappointment. 

He understands it, Yoongi is a patient man. He thinks of trying to make up for the bloodshed he’s caused- life by life that he can save to cancel out the guilt in his heart. You might be a good place to start. 

on your day out Yoongi actually does manage to find a small gift for Seokjin. Delicate gold rings that should fit the omegas hands. “You know his ring size?” you tease, Yoongi nods. Blushing, somewhere in his things back home, there is a wedding ring that he’d never given Seokjin. But Yoongi has known seokjin’s ring size since the second month he knew him. 

“Must be one lucky omega then.” Yoongi blushes and you smile. It feels good against the cold. Your scent is cold and sweet, a little fresh and he struggles to place it. Fall is starting to end, and soon winter will take hold. While you walk to another shop Yoongi decides that he’ll call his pack later this week and tell them he needs to spend a little more time with his family- they’ll understand, they always do.

He’s been worried about breaking the news to them, doesn’t know how he’s going to tell them that he has to stay for the next few months. Maybe he’ll be able to slip away for a weekend. But seeing them again might just complicate things. There’s no telling what the family will think if he leaves them at a vulnerable time like this.

There's no way he can avoid staying the customary 120 days, it's only 3 months, they can survive without him. But then there is the matter of what happens after. Will the family let him escape back to his old life? or is that part of Yoongi’s life done? will he be shackled to Geumjae for the rest of his life as the last beta left? it's not written into their laws that the beta has to stay- but it might as well be.

But Yoongi wouldn't be the only person shackled to Geumjae's side if Yoongi doesn't find a way around naming him Don. No- you would be shackled to his side too.

You’re both lost in thought when the rain starts up, a sudden downpour, the kind of rain that will soak you in only a few second. Yoongi doesn’t care about getting the gift wet- he’ll just re-wrap it before he sends it to Seokjin, probably with a few other gifts as an apology for not being able to come home. But You use your body to shield the present you’ve gotten for your husband, a pair of silver cufflinks, Rather than let it get wet.

But then you tilt your face up, letting the cold hit your skin, the raindrops like little kisses from the clouds that hit your cheek. And Yoongi is bewitched for a moment- as he finally places your scent; you smell like the rain, the sweet scent of petrichor. Being in a rainstorm is like being surrounded by you. It’s an unusually clean scent for a omega and nothing he could place just by smelling it once.

In the rainstorm, Yoongi feels like he’s surrounded by you. 

He’s just watching the raindrops dance on your skin, doesn’t even really realize it when he lifts his hand to touch your lips- and wipes away the water- unknowingly smudging the concealer and revealing the bruises on your cheek. your puffy lower lip- swollen from whatever hit it and not just full like he’d first thought. The scarf around your neck sags with the heavy rain- and Yoongi sees the marks of fingertips there too, bruises left from hands around your neck.

You recoil like you've been shocked. Just by the touch, you don't realize what the touch has revealed until you notice the way Yoongi's eyes are locked on your neck and your jaw. The marks that Geumjae left when he got rough with you last night

Your scared look is something that he’ll never forgive himself for. Especially when you clamp your hands over your chin and your cheek. Now that Yoongi knows what’s there he can see all of it. The mottled bruises are covered with just slightly off-color concealer, yellow toned to offset the purple. 

Yoongi wonders how long you’ve had to hide them and If the abuse started before or after your marriage. Knowing Geumjae- he probably waited to show you his true colors after you were already married, when you knew about the family and didn’t have a hope of leaving without losing your life. The family doesn’t allow divorces. 

You don’t say anything to each other until after a second. And it pisses him off When you immediately try to do damage control. Yoongi doesn't even have to ask where you got them before you're defending your husband. “He’s not- he’s not that bad.” Yoongi can barely hear you over the roar of the rain. He knows he probably smells like the ocean right now. 

You smell like rain and yoongi smells like the ocean. Together you are a typhoon. 

“Don’t,” Yoongi says with a raised hand, realizing what he’s done wrong seconds later. His words of ‘don’t defend him’ dying in his throat when he sees you prepare to be hit. Like you’ve learned how to handle hurt and compartmentalize it. If you’re getting abused by your husband it stands to reason that his brother will do the same.

His touch on your chin is gentle but you still flinch from it. Yoongi’s bags- gifts for the omegas that deserve this man in front of you (who is as beautiful as he is kind, The kind of man that you don’t deserve) fall to the ground in favor of grabbing you gently before you can bolt. 

You're beginning to realize that Yoongi is nothing like his brother. You’ve seen the way he acts around the others in the family; always ready to offer an encouraging touch to the young pups and a helpful hand to the old grannies. As intense of a man as he is dangerously kind. And after today you think that out of all of them, he’s the only member of the mafia that you could ever learn to like.

Not love, because love isn’t something you’d ever get. 

An omega like you didn’t deserve love, you were barely worth the shirt on your back. Though maybe that was because it was an expensive shirt- your husband likes when you’re dressed to impress, in burberry and balenciaga. It sends a pointed message to the other families,Even if it makes you feel like an accessory. Feeling like an accessory is better than feeling like a nuisance, like the dirt under his shoes- so you take what you can get.

You’re only valuable when you open your legs for your husband in the evenings and provide him the other slight comforts, like the food you meticulously make for him the house you make into a perfect home. You’re as much for decoration as the fancy designer couch or the crystal chandelier. 

You don’t know how long it's been since you’ve started to believe the horse shit that Geumjae shoved down your throat. That you should let him hurt you when he felt like it because he was the one with the money and the power. That you were lucky he didn’t treat you worse. You don’t know when you started to believe that his job was stressful enough to make the abuse justified. You don’t know when you started to believe that you deserve it. 

But now- Yoongi in front of you feels like a tease- the person you might have had if you’d chosen the right brother. You’re not worth his kindness or his gentleness when he cradles your face in his hand, thumb on your bruised chin. So light it doesn’t hurt.

His promise tastes rotten in your mouth. “I will never hurt you, you don’t have to be afraid of me.” You stare at him, stepping back out of his grasp- keenly aware that no matter the empty rain-filled streets are there could always be someone watching. Someone who could tell Geumjae that Yoongi had put his hands on you. However gently, it doesn’t matter when it comes to your husband.

Your skin belongs to him; your body belongs to him. You’re everything his domain. When you find time to feel something other than fear- you hate it. And hate the man that you once said you loved. No matter what your family and friends had told you about your boyfriend, then fiancé, and now your demon.

They didn’t come around anymore; you haven’t spoken to them in years. Whenever they call, Geumjae gets a notification on his phone. You know he has it tracked as well to keep an eye on you. And it's easier to just not pick up than have him question you and demand you turn over your phone. Even if nothing is telling in your text messages he’ll find something to be mad about.

Your husband is as possessive of you as he is violent. The last time another man had touched you- just a hand on the small of your back- Geumjae had carved his initials into the place he touched and cut off the other man's hand. the scars would have stuck if you hadn’t used scar cream, and really- it wasn’t that deep or that bad, you hadn’t even needed stitches. If he’d been truly angry- he would have cut you deeper. 

Even in your own mind, you make it out as less bad then it is. 

As much for your safety as for Yoongi’s- He can’t get close to you or else risk Geumjae’s wrath. You eye his offending hand and it curls to a loose fist by his side. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep Yoongi.”

Yoongi brings up the abuse to Geumjae (which is probably questionable- but what else can Yoongi do to help you?). Predictably- he dismisses Yoongi . “She’s just an omega- you know how they are- they need a firm hand to keep them in their place.” Yoongi scoffs thinking of his omegas. Anyone who even dared to think that Seokjin and Jungkook did not wear the pants in their pack had another thing coming to them. 

He watches Geumjae cut another line of cocaine. The amount of drugs in this Geumjae’s study cost enough to feed a small family for a year. But Yoongi knows better than to partake. He pretends to take a Bump and taps it off when Geumjae tips back a shot."Omegas aren't even fucking worth it if you ask me, brother, you're supposed to give half of yourself away, and for fucking what? A glorified bed warmer?"

Yoongi boils and stays silent, letting Geumjae get himself wasted on drugs and alcohol. He can't tell what distresses him more; that Geumjae has such little regard for life that he can't recognize that omegas are fucking people- or that he's so freely sharing this with yoongi. 

He knows he’s toeing the line. More pushing might hurt you more, if he provoked aggression from his brother- it would no doubt come back to bite you. Yoongi can’t imagine wanting to hurt someone he loves or speaking with the same callousness that Geumjae speaks. “Don’t you love her?”

Geumjae laughs at Yoongi’s childish question “Oh little brother, don’t you know that love makes you stupid?”

Those threats from the funeral linger. And it's not only your life and Yoongi’s at stake here but the rest of his pack. He has to fool Geumjae into thinking he is on his side. 

“Work with me here- what will the other omegas in the pack think of you if they find out what kind of shit you pull? And they’ll take their concerns straight to their alphas and say you’re unfit to lead. You know I have to listen to the bulk of them regardless of what you want.”

If he can’t appeal to Geumjae’s humanity- he can appeal to Geumjae’s better interest and common sense. His image in the family is arguably the most important thing in geumjae’s mind, and Yoongi can tell by the way that Geumjae stiffens when he says the words that it’s stuck.

Geumjae might have been trained in torture, but Yoongi was trained in manipulation. And he take the bait- hook, line, and sinker. 

After that, he has the good sense to act softer with you in front of the rest of the family. But he fears he might have done more bad than good when he sees the way you stiffen and fail to meet his eyes more consistently as the days go on. You’re sensitive about eye contact, Yoongi gets it; You don’t have as much control over your facial expression as the rest of these robotic mobsters.  

Group dinners are routine, and while Yoongi could find an excuse to see you during the day, he’s also often pulled in 50 different directions by the expectations of his family.

He finds himself reading for dinner in a hurry most nights, eager or maybe a little panicked to check in with you. You never request his presence, you never text (though he made sure you have his number just in case). the family dinners are tense between the two of you. You maintain none of the easy friendship you’d started that day in the rain or that closeness. You avoid him like the plague at dinner, and It’s like that day in the rain never happened. 

Geumjae sticks to your side like glue too. A hand that probably looks protective to anyone else but looks possessive to Yoongi slung around your waist. Yoongi sees the harshness and pain in your body when Geumjae’s hand tightens digging into the swell of your hip. You’re soft in the way that most omegas are a little soft- and it’s as expected as it is distracting.

He manages to corner you during one of the dinners, here in a forgotten side room you both hover. You can hear the omegas and the grannies gossiping in the kitchen and outside, the alphas have disappeared to smoke cuban cigars and appreciate a new rolls royce that one of the uncles bought. 

You both occupy the space, and Yoongi watches you out of the corner of his eye while you both look out at the garden, speckled with lights sipping on your champagne. 

The corset portion of your dress makes your chest soft looking, plump and inviting if Yoongi was the kind of man to get distracted by something like that. As it is- all he notices is how it’s making your chest heave. Breath uneven, he thinks he can hear the boning in the dress creek. It’s a designer thing, but it looks too tight on you. He can tell how uncomfortable you are. 

“Are you okay?” he asks, though it's clear you’re not, you don’t reply, looking down and away worried. Hand hovering over your stomach in an anxious way, “I won’t get mad whatever it is.”

You bite your lower lip. Hand catching yourself on a side table before you teater over, dizzy. Yoongi grabs your forearm to steady you startled. “He did my corset too tight, it’s hurting my ribs. I feel like I’m going to pass out.” Yoongi quickly looks around, but there is no one around in the part of the house right now, you’re alone. 

Yoongi turns you around quickly, setting his champagne to the side and grabbing yours out of your hand before you can spill it. He undoes the top knot of the dress and you inhale gratefully, gasping as he tugs at the strings looser, fingers touching your bare skin. “Is that better?” he has to be quick. This isn’t exactly scandalous- but its not quite proper. 

Especially when Yoongi’s hands hover on the bare skin of your back. You have freckles here, he wonders if you know. His finger hides a beauty mark. 

You inhale deep and grateful. “So much better, thank you.” you barely have a second to both straighten up, Yoongi's fingers pulling the bow back together. grabbing your champagne and sipping at it a careful distance away from each other. The picture of propriety as Geumjae and a few other alphas return from smoking cigars out front in a puff of rich smoke. 

“Don’t mention it.” Yoongi says it softly so that only you can hear it.

More than once. Geumjae catches him staring at you during the dinner. You look so much more comfortable now that it’s been loosened. Your hand hovering in front of your dress to conceal your cleavage under the guise of fiddling with your necklace. During those moments, Geumjae rewards Yoongi’s wandering gaze with bold touches. A hand sliding from waist to hip and your sudden straightening in pain. 

Geumjae’s harsh fingers digging into a bad bruise on your hip. You’re so trained, you barely flinch when he does it. And still- Yoongi’s hands tighten in his slacks. Gritting his teeth and biting the inside of his cheek to stop himself from making a scene and reaching across the table to stop Geumjae from hurting you.

Many of the other members of the family notice Geumjae’s sudden dogmatic approach to your presence in his life. Confirming what Yoongi suspects. That he’d never given you too much attention at these family meals before Yoongi came with his wandering eyes. He should do better be better not to put you in harm's way.

Yoongi keeps his eyes firmly trained on his plate full of spiced soft-shelled crab as one of the grannies comments on how sweet the two of you seem. Yoongi wants to gag. “You know how new love is. I feel like we’ll be in the honeymoon phase forever. I want her all to myself so bad I think she’s worried I’ll chain her to my bed” he says- feigning drunkenness. You laugh too- trying to play it off but Yoongi can see your barely concealed fear.

He’s not the only one who notices how uncomfortable you are either; his cousin’s mate, a curly-haired omega also looks at you more than she should. Measuring your wellbeing with every long searching look. Yoongi see’s Geumjae smile at her. It’s not a kind of happy gesture, showing his teeth an inch away from snapping at her.

Byulyi, The omega’s mate notices. Coolly leveling Geumjae with a challenging look. She doesn’t instigate a fight at the obvious show of aggression and while others might see that as weak Yoongi sees it as a sign of grace. No need to engage with here.

There is a place that the family keeps only for the betas when they come into town, not an apartment but more of a safe house. The small yellow cottage that’s been owned by them for almost longer than the city was a city. It’s shoved between two apartment buildings and a 7/11. In a hidden ally way that’s barely wide enough for a car; most people wouldn’t even know it was a driveway with all of the shrubbery. 

From the bedroom. Yoongi can just see the neon lights from the street, the glowing seven just over the trees. It’s an interesting mix of quaint old world and blinding toxic neon.

At night, the street has a large amount of foot traffic, perfect to disappear into if you needed it, so much so that it was nearly impossible to be followed to the place or tailed out of it. It feels like the cottage barely exists on the same plane as the rest of the city. 

It's considered as good as hallowed ground in the gang world. No blood can be spilled there or else an instant hit will be ordered on the person who has. It’s law, people need a safe place to come and seek council. The betas need to be preserved. It belongs to him now, no one else has the bloodright to this place. after the first two weeks when Yoongi got tired and a little nervous about staying in a hotel. He moves in.

Most of the last betas stuff has been moved out, put in storage for however long it takes for someone to be tasked to go through it and burn anything that might be telling. There isn’t anyone to inherit their things nor much value to them. Their beta wasn’t a fan of designer clothes or fanciful trinkets that were paid for with blood money. 

The cottage is physical representations of that. It has drafts under the windows and bad heating, the green velvet couch in the livingroom sags from the weight of years of use, but at least the mattress is new. Honestly- Yoongi would stay somewhere else if dealing with another hotel or a short-term rental wasn’t going to wreak havoc on his bank account and be more trouble than it was worth.

Yoongi fingers the rotten edge of a window and daydreams about maybe getting a house of his own one day. He even contemplates fixing it for his short stay here.

He thinks that the rest of Namjoon’s pack would like it. They wouldn’t even have to get a new house because Yoongi would love to learn how to fix it up himself. He’s always been the handyman of their pack. 

And he’d never say it- but the affectionate looks he gets from Seokjin and Namjoon when he fixes the leaky faucet for the third time that month and the short pets to his hair are something that reminded him of early happy times when their shitty apartments maintenance men couldn’t be trusted.

If he owned this house and wanted to stay in this city- he’d put a second story, maybe a writing room and library for Tae. And more windows to look out on the garden because Jimin’s always complaining about the lack of natural light in their apartment. He could add sunrooms and skylights and re-do the squeaky floorboards. He thinks the wood is pine, Namjoon would know. He contemplates calling his alpha, his heart giving a pang of grief before he thinks better of it.

Grief consumes him for a moment as he flops on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. When he closes his eyes he can almost smell the members of his pack. His hands tighten in the sheets and he daydreams that they’re there with him. curled up close in this queen bed, too small for the seven of them. They’d have to press close to fit. 

Most of this visit has been too stressful for him to even think of them. But now he aches and aches and aches, like grief is a plant that's taken rest in his chest, prying open his ribs with its greedy roots. 

How many days had he taken their easy affection for granted? Yoongi’s body burns with the need for his mates. Burns a little as he blinks back a stinging in his eyes that has nothing to do with the dusty interior of the cottage. He sighs out a heavy breath, thinking of a future, them, pups maybe, in a house somewhere that Yoongi could build with his own two hands. 

Then the next second, he finds himself laughing at the ceiling because that’s a pipe dream. It echoes in the empty house, dark with no one to wonder after it. getting his pack back again, owning his own house, and having the money to re-do it is something that’s completely out of reach. As is surviving this unscathed. 

Yoongi puts his odds at being able to leave this at 50%, maybe 60% if he’s lucky. Maybe he’ll get a cool scar out of it. But that only brings up bad ideas in his head, because there is one person whose odds of getting out of this unharmed are next to zero at best; And that’s you. You’re both fucked.

He wonders what you’re doing right now, the only person in the gang whose as trapped as he is. Maybe you’re looking up at the ceiling of your bedroom like he is. He wonders if you’re wishing that you were anywhere else right now too.

Geumjae inherited their families’ wealth when their parents died as well as the property they both grew up in. He wonders what Geumjae has done to the house in his absence. The house that you’re no doubt trapped in just like Yoongi was growing up. 

As much as Yoongi would love to help you and steal you away from this place- it would be stupid. Even then, he wants to try.

The idea of a beta wanting a house and a place to stay is a ridiculous dream, and yet- Yoongi dreams it anyway. He dreams of navy blue rooms and floor-to-ceiling windows and skylights that he could watch the snowfall through. And he dreams that the ones he loves are stretched out with him below a skylight, on top of a plush red blanket that shields them from the cold.  

He blinks and the person curled up next to him changes with every flicker of his eyelids. One moment Jimin is lying next to him, his hair splayed out all pretty, and the next Hoseok is pulling him in for sweet kisses, and then jungkook looking at him like he does when the youngest gets all scent drunk and hazy and so on and so forth.

The last time he opens his eyes before he truly wakes, he sees you, your eyes staring unblinking at him, so still. The red blanket below him is wet, it’s not a blanket at all, but a pool of blood. Someone's shot you between the eyes, and Yoongi feels the gun in his hands and tastes the powder on his teeth before he wakes from the nightmare with a start. 

He blinks back the wetness in his eyes and rubs furiously at them. Yoongi can see his breath in the air and when he walks to the windows and finds the cottage and the garden dusted with a thin coating of ice. He turns the heat on as high as he can make it.

It’s no surprise that the last beta and the late don turned the beta safe house into something of a love nest. There’s still an “I love you” sticky note stuck to the yellow fridge. And it makes a discomfort rise in his chest so thick. It makes Yoongi sick to his stomach that the late Don and his beta had to hide their love away here. He takes the note off the fridge and puts it in a small side drawer full of rubber bands and junk so that he doesn’t have to look at it.

It's one of the few things that makes him pick up his phone and text- not anyone from his pack (that’s too risky)- But you. Maybe you’re doomed, but that doesn’t mean that Yoongi can’t try and make it a little bit better. He thinks of the dream. Thinks of your blood and the gun in his hands and types the message furiously. Hitting send before he can consider his own instincts of self-preservation. 

“Let me know if you want to go out again somewhere, you probably know the city better than me at this point, and I’d love to see it again.” Maybe it’s a flimsy excuse. But Yoongi hopes that removing you from your husband’s presence for just a few hours will make a positive difference. Maybe he can show you that life doesn’t have to be painful.

You remind Yoongi of himself just before he left. So uncomfortable and alone- and Yoongi thinks that if there’s one thing that having a broken family teaches you- it’s that softness and vulnerability aren’t things that you should seek to squash. You have to struggle and fight to remain soft, That there is a certain strength in knowing when things are wrong. 

Yoongi doesn’t know when his plan turned into “make sure we both get out of here alive. And break up their marriage in a way that results in her survival.” versus “get back to the pack.” but he can’t say he hates the idea of you two no longer being together.  

The first snow of the season makes the city fall to almost a standstill and he’s glad to spend the morning uncalled on at the cottage. Busies himself with cleaning up and making little changes around the house. Happy to have something for his hands to do and ease his mind. Like fixing a squeaky door and righting one of the cabinets that have sagged, making it flush with all the others.

His text remains unanswered, but thats okay. He didn’t expect you to get back to him right away. 

He tries to stop himself from hoping when his phone lights up just after dinner, but it’s just one of his family members who’s in his part of town and wants to go out for drinks. It’s not one of the cousin’s whose in line for the throne so Yoongi’s not worried about being pitched so late in the evening. 

In all likelihood it's probably just them come to bitch at Yoongi about one thing or another. There aren’t many safe confidants. And Yoongi gets paid because he’s sort of the mafias therapist.

He wishes he could ask Jin for some tips when a few hours later he’s got an omega crying into his shoulder, drunk off his ass. It’s good to reconnect with them and the rest of his family. Makes him feel more certain in his resolve of preventing Geumjae from disrupting this peace. 

He doesn’t get drunk- not even close. He’s not stupid. It’s not until he’s nearly home that he recognizes the empty weight in his pockets. That’s funny- his wallets still there- but his phone isn’t. Not usual for a pickpocket. Maybe he just left it back at the cottage.

None of the locks in his apartment sabotaged though he’d been careful to lock them all on his way out. It would be completely normal and unassuming; his phone sitting on the bedspread where maybe he left it. 

Yoongi would chalk it up to his own forgetfulness if there weren’t a bullet hole clean through the top corner.

Yoongi fingers the hole. The phone is as good as a paperweight now. There is a sticky note on the front. It only says a few words but they make Yoongi’s blood go cold regardless.

“Someone named Namjoon called and he wants you home. We want you to leave too” there’s a little bit of blood on the corner of the note. And when he lifts it to his nose- he smells your fresh rain scent, colder than ever with something that Yoongi might recognize as fear. Not even a hint of sweetness. 

Most people have two scents- a primary scent that usually indicated happy emotions and a secondary scent that’s usually a little harsher- meant to draw in one's pack members, to communicate to others that you’re in distress without having to say it. Most people hover somewhere around the middle between the two normally but Yoongi has never smelled something from you other than the rain. 

Yoongi has always smelled like cocoa when he’s happy and sea salt when he’s angry. He wonders what you smell like when you’re happy and truly comfortable. He wonders if he’ll ever get to smell it. Are you all rainstorms and thunder, or is there something sweeter that you’re capable of? 

What are you like when you’re happy and not just afraid?

It’s been years but Yoongi still recognizes Geumjae’s handwriting. And it's then that Yoongi decides that he won’t leave- not until he can secure your safety. Maybe Yoongi can’t stop Geumjae from taking the crown, but Yoongi as sure as hell can make sure you don’t get caught up in this life.

You’ve only been married to Geumjae for a little more than a year and you don’t have his mating mark yet. There is still time for you to survive this- to get out. And Yoongi knows before he names his older brother as the next Don he’s going to have to make you disappear. 

Things get worse before they get better. Geumjae takes the fact that Yoongi didn’t leave the first second after that note as a personal treat.

Yoongi’s at his brother’s house for dinner when he backhands you after you drop a plate. Yoongi Doesn’t keep himself in his seat- can’t stop himself from standing and grabbing his brothers arm before he deals another blow. And maybe it only makes it worse for you but Yoongi’s hands shake with the way you’d looked at him from the floor- holding your cheek defiant and alive. Like you still have a fight left in you.

It’s a look he tries to remember as time goes on and your fighting spirit fades.

You don’t deserve any of this from Geumjae, not the backhanded compliments that have you pushing the food around your plate. The ones that make you starve yourself so bad that you collapse one day when Yoongi has come over.

Checking up on everyone in the family during mourning times and making sure they’re all right is one of his responsibilities as beta. And he can guess for certain that his presence in your house will be easy to excuse. He just wants to make sure the newest member of the family isn’t a mole. That excuse satisfies everyone, even Geumjae.

None of them suspect what he’s planning, not even Geumjae worries that his younger brother has a certain unhealthy attachment to his wife. Yoongi isn't just a good manipulator, he’s the best.

He makes a show of it, and it has the double purpose of undermining geumjae’s position in the family when they have a meeting after the first month, only the head of houses, 13 people sat around the table. Yoongi standing at the head. he infuses his words with enough venom to kill everyone at this table.

“I cannot believe you’re foolish enough to bring in someone as incompetent, and as stupid as you did brother,” Yoongi lies- they’re all lies- lies- lies- “you clearly haven’t been making decisions with the families best interest in mind, i expected better from you.”

5 out of the 11 heads (save Geumjae) nod at Yoongi’s words. It would have been safer for a head of household to pursue someone from within the family, let alone an outsider who had a clear lack of money or connections. that much is true. “This matter requires my personal involvement.” Geumjae won’t contradict Yoongi in front of the other heads of household. Merely nods at him somberly, accepting his criticism.

Yoongi is a good actor, he wonders what they think he’s doing with you, maybe interrogating, maybe torturing, whatever it is- it’s a far cry from his twice weekly visits to you. Knocking on the door before he lets himself in. You’re already pink cheeked and smiling shyly, ready to take his coat. “i’ve got it- i’ve got it” he tries to insist. But he suspects it has more to do with your trained countinance than any real want to take care of him. He lets you hang up his coat.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t come sooner- grannie was a little distraught” in truth- the old woman had cried into Yoongi’s arms for a good two hours; it had eaten up most of his morning. You never fail to smile at Yoongi when he appears in your kitchen. Practically bouncing on your heels, your house always smells sweet, vanilla and sugar and milk. Scents that make yoongi ache. You bake every day- unaware of the fact that the scents you conjure with your hobby make Yoongi think of people he loves and misses daily.

He doesn't know what his family think he’s doing with you, but having tea with you and just talking- probably isn’t it. The house that yoongi grew up in has been turned into a modern monstrocity, all black and glass steal. His brothers taste not yours. And only your kitchen doesn't feel cold and impersonal. though that has more to do with the fact that you’re in it. He spends his afternoons with you munching on the sweets you’ve created and tea and coffee, once you learn that's what Yoongi likes- you always have a pot ready when he comes knocking.

On the days where it doesn't hurt as much, you ask Yoongi about his pack, always small questions. It’s not exactly a safe topic, and you go into scary territory, tip toeing here and there around things that you really want to say, filling up on lemon tarts and custard filled pastries.

You don’t know them by name, only by scent. And Yoongi only brings them up when he feels like he can handle the pain. It helps that with every day here he makes them safer. He’s a dangerous man to love and he knows that. he knows they probably don’t see it that way, but it makes yoongi feel better about leaving them.

He’s going to have a lot to explain to them, if he ever makes it back.

“Jungkook-”

“The one who smells like honey?” you clarify, “your honey?”

Yoongi tips his head good naturedly, “yes, my honey” the sweetness coats his tongue, almost making him think the youngest omega was here. “He would love stuff like this, he’s a total muscle pig, but he only really works out so that he can eat as much food as he wants”  Yoongi says the words hushed. Like they’re a secret.

You hide your smile in the lip of a teacup. “I’ll have to make it for him one day then.” it’s a soft sentiment even if it’s another impossibility.

The next time he comes over, it’s after a particularly hard morning. regardless of the don’s position remaining unfilled- bloodshed can’t be avoided sometimes. A doc worker who didn’t want to pay the usual fee, who had thought foolishly that things would change now that their isn’t a sole person in control.

Yoongi had been called into help, and he’d had to leave the man a bloody heap, barely breathing. Yoongi had been able to leave him alive. Walking away with heavy footsteps.

He’d made sure to wash the blood off of his hands change his clothes, but he’d forgotten his shoes, walking all over your rug and tracking blood in to your house. You don’t level it or him with any distaste, No matter how much he apologizes. But he can tell you don’t really mind. He wonders how many times you’ve had to clean up blood in this house.

And how many times that blood has been your own.

“Did you kill him?” Yoongi can’t breath around the tension in his chest. You touch his hands, and somehow- you don’t expect them to be as warm as they are. warm monsters cannot survive the coldness of hell like you can.

“No. But I could have.” you trace along one of the bruised knuckles delicately, making a small noise in the back of his mouth. He’s soft like me, you think, just simply, and you’re right. Yoongi is soft- too soft for this life, you can see it in his eyes.

That day, he walks in to your kitchen and smells Jungkook all around. sweet honey cakes sitting on the smaller kitchen table not the stately dining room that you must use for more formal occasions. They’re perfect little hexagons with delicately piped bumblebees on top with butter cream. They look so pretty and they smell so good, but not better than they taste.

He doesn't say anything and you don’t expect him too as he starts eating them, a cup of black coffee in a teacup for him too. And you watch and wait, not saying anything when the soft tears start falling with every bite. Yoongi will treasure every honey tart on the plate.

Fuck- he misses them so bad. coffee like namjoon, honey like Jungkook, the buttercream on top reminds him of Seokjin and the sugar on the table to hoseok.

Rain sparks, distressed. “Yoongi-” you clink your glass on the saucer, and it makes you both flinch. “Are you Okay?” Yoongi doesn't move to wipe away his tears. he lets them fall- lets it hurt because there is no avoiding his guilt and pain at this.

“I’ll be alright.” he eats, and you let him without asking why he’s crying. you knew when you looked up the recipe that it might not be the right choice, that it might be too much for yoongi to handle. But you want to show him, in the limited way you feel allowed, that it’s okay to miss them. That he doesn't have to hide how much being away from them hurts. You’ve never known a beta before, but you get the feeling that no matter your prior expectations. Yoongi will exceed them.

The food fills the place in him where love should be (with you they might as well be the same thing). Outside the window in the stately garden sits with not a leaf or branch out of place, you’re similar, accept for a single strand of hair that escapes it’s careful confines. In another world, Yoongi might tug all of your hair free from its pins. let it hang around your face pretty and wild. In another world you would sit on the same side of the table.

You both watch golden hour fade to blue. It feels nice to sit like this, maybe it's not interesting. But it’s the companionship that you’ve both been craving.

Yoongi can’t see you as much as he’d like but Monday and wednesday afternoons are reserved solely for you. Partially because on this day Geumjae has to attend to his business of the gang and it's the only time you're both free from him. The Min’s have always been in charge of opium, heroin, and cocaine, and the shipments are regular. Usually, you have a good block of time to spend with Yoongi, so he can reassure himself you’re not hurt.

But not all hurts can be physically seen, he doesn't know how he should broach the topic of you running away with you. It's one of a dozen goals he has at this point to disrupt the movement of the family. It has to be done slowly over time of course, no one can second guess Yoongi's motives. It has to look like he's helping even if it's anything but.

Faking your death would be an easy option, Yoongi could easily say you couldn't be trusted, procure a body that looks like yours, and plant it somewhere- fire could take care of dna and dental records. No one would question it if Yoongi was at the helm of the operation.

That way- you might be able to slip away unscathed. He’s got a fair bit of money he could lend you, maybe not enough to buy you a new life but certainly enough to start. He could make sure you disappear into the hazy backdrop and carve a new life for yourself.

But somehow, the idea of you leaving leaves a strange taste in his mouth. He doesn't like the plan in its entirety. But he can’t figure out what about it sets him off- makes him feel uneasy.

The rest of the families jostlings for power gets worse as the time goes on, and they get closer and closer to the 120 day mark. He helps the ahn’s carry out a deal that almost goes south and misses two meetings with you in a row.

more and more of the families want to have Yoongi supervise, want him to see how each of their candidates behave in hopes of swaying him in their direction. But a good portion of them are either too young, too stupid, or too disinterested in actually leading- lead to the post by their parents and heads of house.  

The Ahn’s are in charge of weed and meth and prescription drugs, the Moon’s guns, the Kim faction in charge of prostitution, and the others- one in charge of shipment, another in charge of hushing the money and turning it legitimate at one of their many casinos. One murder for hires, the other for cleaning that murder.

12 families in total. A few of them have intermingled enough that there are blood relations on both sides. Yoongi’s mother was a Moon before she married his father. The blood mixing is kept track of carefully, with no need for unintended incest. there is a dating pool of eligible young omegas and alphas. Orchestrated by the grannies and omega heads of the house. The more they intermarried, the better, the less likelihood of fission they'd have down the line.

There are a few arranged marriages each year, one gets announced at a family dinner. The moon head of house and the kim head of house shake hands, the perfect picture of a business deal.

Which is probably why most of the grannies don't like you, you've squashed their plans of having their third or fourth in line omega grandchildren marry a head of house. Yoongi doesn't have to ask himself why Geumjae chose you. It's clear.

You're as beautiful as you are easy to get along with, more than one man has been tempted to possessive anger by a countenance as graceful as yours. When Yoongi comes to check on you you've always got something prepared.

You need too, because that's the only sure fire way you’ve ever found that made Geumjae’s anger immediately subside. A way to a man's heart is through his stomach, and it’s your only way to safety.

You learned after the first day you don’t have something prepared, that Yoongi doesn't mind if you don't have the food ready when he walks in. "I-I'm sorry- they're taking too long to cook- I dont know what went wrong and-" Yoongi's presence is so soothing, like a fresh breath of air as he swoops into your kitchen, opening the oven and checking it while you watch anxiously.  

"It looks like it needs a minute, do you want to teach me how to make frosting?" it's the first time anyone cooked with you in years, and Yoongi dons your apron so easily. Letting you tie it behind his back. There are little strawberries embroidered along the hem, and it contrasts with the dark silk of his button down.

He’s got nice shoulders, you realize, ones that are wider than you first thought. for a second, a vision pops into your head of you wrapping your arms around his waist and pressing your front to his warm back, burying your face and rubbing your nose along his hairline. But you shake it off. When Yoongi’s not looking you press your cold hands to your cheeks to try and calm down.

Now every Wednesday and friday you've come to look forward to his visits, a few recipes set out for him to decide which one he wants to make with you. You often wait for him at the door, ready to bounce ideas off of him.

One Wednesday- you'd opened the door to find your husband. And he'd taken the cookbook and slapped you across the face with it. Yoongi and you hadn't cooked that day. No- that day he'd made soup while he made you sit at the counter with a cold cloth piled with ice to your cheek.

"I'm sorry I can't make it better." He'd said, breath uneven. But he’d made you soup- and that's more than anyones done for you in a long time.

There isn't much that soup can heal, but it makes you feel unbearable warm that Yoongi will even try. You know it could result in hurt for him and his pack. he talks about them alot. Endless little tidbits about people you will likely never meet- it's better than talking about other things; like the drugs in the study a few feet from here, or the illegal business of the family.

It seems you both crave domesticity. Both need a little sliver of gentleness in your week. And you find it in each other on stolen afternoons. Sometimes- he's the only reason why you smile that day.

Today, you're baking a cake, and your body relaxes with Yoongi's next to you. Most of the time when he comes over you’re making something for Geumjae. Yoongi has seen the way he gets when he comes home- angry and ready to take his anger out on you calmed by the sweets you proffer with shaking hands.

You stumble when he moves away, and Yoongi’s startled when he catches your shoulder. “Woh- you okay?” you feel dizzy and cushiony. “I’m fine,” you say- because that’s all you can say, Yoongi’s eyes are discerning when he ducks down to your level. His hands are still on your shoulders- and you feel so starved- maybe not for human contact but for love.

You can’t resist leaning into his hands. “Have you eaten anything today?” he asks, like he already knows what particular method of harm you’ve chosen to inflict on yourself today. Though it’s not your fault at all. Yoongi knows by the way you duck out of his eye contact that you haven’t eaten a single thing.

Yoongi makes you eat something when you confess you haven’t for several days, because Geumjae had complained you’d gained a little weight on your honeymoon, and he also sees you nearly dry heave when you see your husband in the door, come home early. Geumjae knows Yoongi is here, when he visits and when he leaves, but it still startles the both of you.  Geumjae has the forethought to Feign concern. His thumb on your tongue when you open your mouth to reply- keeping your words back forcefully.

Yoongi leaves, but shakes in his rental car outside, unable to leave you in that house where he knows you’re being hurt, where you’re dying slowly. He’s not sure if Geumjae is just honestly abusive or if he’s actually trying to kill you.

He takes you out of the house for as long as he can just to make sure you’re safe. Until Geumjae comes and finds you- and drags you back to that house that has become a prison.

But soon- you won’t even come outside when Yoongi comes knocking. gone are the days of easy baking. Now you can’t even manage that. It gives you too much anxiety. Yoongi has worried after you pushing the food around your plate enough times. And after the first time he refused your sweets if you wouldn’t eat them too you’d stopped cooking for him altogether.

Yoongi wishes he’d never said anything at all, never tried to play hardball with you. It’s not the way to get around this. He can’t convince you to eat when you won’t. When the idea of putting on another pound makes you shake in fear and anxiety.

“Come away with me, just for a day- please, please sweetheart just come outside” Yoongi is not a man who begs often, but for you he will.

Your hands stay fisted in his sleeve, eyeing the door warily “I can’t, He’ll get mad at me- you know he will Yoongi.” Yoongi swallows and then guides you to the fine sitting room. He knows just from sitting on the couches that they’ve been cleaned of blood recently. The type of cleaning solution the family uses has a peculiar nutmeg pumpkin scent.

He wonders if it was yours. And shakes. trembles with the force of his anger. quashing it in a second when your face turns up at him. Worried that he’s angry at you. He forces himself to think of happier things forces himself to smell like chocolate to soothe you. It's hard, but not impossible. And he's rewarded when you sink into the cushions, you can’t hold yourself up right now. Your body sagging into the cushions like you have nothing left.

You’ve got more bruises today, new ones, and he can tell by the way that you’re holding yourself that there are probably more unhidden. He extends a hand to touch your cheek, to get a look at the purple ones by your eye.

A voice that sounds suspiciously like Namjoon’s warns Yoongi of the kind of trauma that can result in ocular damage and he’s concerned- his instincts are screaming at him too soothe you. Maybe a nip to your scent gland if he was brave or a good cuddle if he was stupid enough to think you could both get away with it. Omegas are supposed to love cuddling and nest making and Yoongi doesn't think he’s ever seen you do either of those things. Omegas only nest in places they feel safe.

He can’t do what he wants, so he goes to the kitchen and gets an icy cloth, lifting it to your cheek and this time. You let Yoongi dab at it. You shift, and all of a sudden your knee is touching the outside of his. “Come here. I’ve got to get the ones on your shoulder.”

As much as closeness is a bad idea, it also feels good. You and Yoongi don’t talk. Mostly because he knows you can’t say anything positive. Only more of what he’s come to expect. The lies you tell yourself just as much as you tell him. “it’s getting better Yoongi it really is- it’s not nearly as bad as it was before you got here- And really- I do it to myself by going outside when he’s so worried about something happening to me. he gives me clear rules and im a bad omega by not following them.”

You’re so poisoned. Your worldview so skewed. You keep thinking that as long as it doesn't get any worse. You can make it better. And all the words that Yoongi wants to say are kept at bay by how honestly and ardently you hope; “you know that’s not really why he wants to keep you here right? That keeping you protected is all a disguise for what he really wants- to control you. to own you”

Your abuse goes deeper than anything physical Yoongi realizes when you even refuse comfort saying, “I don’t deserve it” when he offers it. Even when he can get a read on your scent- how you’re practically reaching out for anything to hold onto.

Yoongi watches you disappear through his fingers, like smoke or steam. the softness you’ve shown him going away as the abuse gets worse.

You become more and more silent as the weeks go on. During The weekly family dinners, you look more and more thankful that no one asks you to speak. Even Yoongi across the table who can't tear his eyes away from you. He has to keep his seat- not make an issue out of it under the hawk-like eyes of the heads of the family.

If he extends his legs as far as he can go without slouching in his chair, he can get his ankle side by side with yours. Your skin feels cold most of the time. Most of the time that you’re not covered with bruises Geumjae forces you to wear increasingly more low-cut things. Shorter skirts. He can tell you’re uncomfortable with what you’re wearing by the way that you fidget. But Yoongi guesses that it's just another way for him to control you.

When- he sees you next- and you’re vacant. Nothing behind your eyes that looks like life. You stare blankly as the weeks go on, you barely even flinch when Geumjae hurts you. Why flinch when you’re already expecting it. If anything the times that he touches you gently surprise you more.

When Geumjae invites him in and you’re just sitting there, you don’t meet Yoongi’s gaze when he says your name- replying in a soft voice that only barely shakes when Geumjae prompts you to speak. A doll, perfectly trained. Sitting pretty and slutty in the clothes that your husband has picked out for you. “See Yoongi? I told you she only needed a firm hand- she’s as good as tamed now.”

You need help- and Yoongi can’t ignore it. He doesn’t know when he started to fall in love with you. Whether it was the time when he visited during another spring rainstorm and you strip him of his dripping clothes and clad him in softer ones- not clothes from your husband- that much he can tell.

In all reality you don’t have that much of a height difference, it’s just you curling in on yourself that adds to the illusion that you’re so much slighter than him. You are slighter. The soft swells you had when he first met you are gone now. The clothes that drown you out hanging on his frame delicately as you smooth the soft fabric over his shoulders, holding on for a second like you want him close before you let go.

Yoongi feels like he smells like you when he’s covered in the rain, imagines for a moment that you’ve pulled him close and scent marked him. He Leaves his windows cracked on the nights that it rains and doesn’t snow and closes his eyes and imagines that you’re here.

He still hasn’t figured out what you smell like when you're happy.

Does he fall in love with you because of the way you touch him when you can manage it- when no one is there to see? Maybe. He treasures the secret brush of your hand on his forearm that makes his whole body shiver. Makes him lean in close.

The day comes where you come over to the hallowed beta ground with tears in your eyes, holding a dishcloth to the gash under your jaw. It’s a deep mark, from A thrown glass and it probably needs stitches. It bleeds so much that Yoongi has to give you a change of clothes. A sweatshirt so large on you that it dusts your knees. It makes you smell like him and if the situation where any less dire it would make Yoongi purr.

Yoongi wishes he could call Namjoon- wishes it hadn’t been months since he’d seen his pack- missing them aches like Yoongi is missing something in his chest, something vital, whatever connects his head to his heart missing. Namjoon would know what to do- would know what to say and how to get you out of here. He’d soothe your pain and your aches better than Yoongi ever could.

And Seokjin and jimin would know how to comfort you when you shake so bad that Yoongi can barely do more than dab at it with a cloth. Try to make sure it’s clean of all the glass shards. Taehyung and Hoseok would know how to make you smile after this and Jungkook, Jungkook would hold around your waist. Yoongi is useless at this without them.

They must be going crazy without Yoongi there; he wishes he could reach out. Just to make sure they knew he was all right.

They’d love you, he’s sure of it.

While He picks the last of the glass fragments out of your hair he voices what he’s wanted to say for months. He’s tired of dancing around it. “You know- I could get you out of here if you wanted. If you asked, I’d make it happen.”

You recoil like Yoongi’s the one to throw a glass in your face. “I can’t- I can’t leave Yoongi- He’ll get better once you name him Don- then he just won't be so angry all the time right? And he’ll be out of the house so much it will hardly feel like we’re even married.”

You look like you’re begging Yoongi to reassure you. When you both know that nothing is going to change, some people are just rotten to the core. And Yoongi can’t be forceful with you when you look like you might run out of here just as quickly as you came. Yoongi wonders how long it will take Geumjae to find you and how badly he’ll hurt you this time.

He doesn’t even speak gentle words anymore or try to tell you that it will be the last time he hits you like he used to. Now you both know there will only be more of this- more of you trapped by his blood. Unless you trust Yoongi.

If you trust Yoongi.

Yoongi speaks- trying to figure out what will keep you here the longest, just as long as he can keep you out of harm's way. “You don’t deserve this sweetheart- you deserve to be loved” Yoongi sees from the way you recoil- he must have touched on something sensitive. A soft spot or an open wound that Geumjae had made in you.

How many times as he screamed at you that you’re worthless. You won’t show Yoongi it, but there's a scar going down your stomach. Each letter hurt when he carved them into your body. Worthless- written on you in scar tissue. There are countless other scars that he doesn’t know about. The worst are the mental ones.

“Who’s going to love me Yoongi? Not when I’m like this,” you gesture to yourself, failing to meet his eyes. Holding yourself like it’s the only thing that can give you comfort. And all Yoongi can think is that there is nothing about you that deserves the utter disgust in your voice- the low self-esteem might be something that you hadn’t meant to show him. Another side effect of the abuse. damage that goes deeper than any physical bandage or medicine can heal.

And it goes without saying- his whispered confession is true as he holds a cold cloth to your bruises and cuts- he hopes his words will soothe that spot too. Any and all damage his brother has done, Yoongi wants to heal.

“I could love you.”

You shoot up, standing so quick that the blood rushes to your head and you teeter, you can’t see Yoongi’s concern through the tears clouding your vision. Shaking your head vehemently. Your shin knocking against the coffee table hard as you back away from him. His hands go out to grab you but he thinks better of it. You don’t look like you want to be touched right now.

“You can’t Yoongi- he’ll kill you too- and I won’t be the reason why you die- I won’t.” you gasp the words, “You need to get back to your pack, they need you.”

“But you need me too.” You do, that you can’t argue with no matter how much you want to. “Don’t tell me it’s too late to save you when we both know it’s not.”

“It’s not, but I wish I was beyond saving so that you wouldn’t try.”

“You think I have a choice? That I meant to love you?” Yoongi realizes his mistake the second you flinch. Sometimes words can hurt too, can hurt worse than physical damage. When your voice goes soft rather than Forceful. Here Yoongi is, trying to make it better and only succeeding in making it worse.

You duck away from him, hair covering your face. You don’t grab your jacket when you make your way towards the door. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be a burden, let me make it easier for you” you fold the cloth, put it on the kitchen counter and walk out the door.

By the time Yoongi runs after you, you’ve already disappeared down the garden path and into the maze of neon lights. Sinking into the crowds of drunk college kids and businessmen hoping to nurse their hurts in a bottle of liquor. You disappear like a shadow, or a wraith. like you’re already a ghost, already dead.

That night Yoongi dreams of you again. it’s the same dream as before, with the skylight and the red blanket that feels silky and cool like blood.

Only this time- you’re the one with the gun.

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[quranwithsehar]

ABUSIVE PARENTS:

A few months ago I read a question that was asked by a sister from a well-reputed scholar. She said, that she was being tortured emotionally to the point she considered committing suicide, she was being denied the rights given to her by Allah. She said she has reached a point where she does not feel any respect for them in her heart, despite her best efforts she was unable to maintain a healthy loving relationship with them. She asked how she could treat her parents with Ihsaan while they had snatched away her rights. tortured her, and were guilt-tripping her into doing Ihsaan with them. The scholar agreed what they were doing was troublesome and replied, "you have to do Ihsaan no matter what".

I don't disagree that we should be doing Ihsaan with our families but the reply was quite problematic and let me explain why.

Nouman Ali Khan addressed this topic in one of his lectures and said:

“There are a lot of people that come up to me and tell me terrible experiences, at the minimum I have witnessed parents being psychologically abusive, verbally abusive, physically abusive, sexually abusive, I have seen all kinds of things and it’s hard to even hear sometimes that parents can do that. I wanna say to the parents that are abusive that you should be ashamed of yourselves. Allah gave you an honor greater than so many creations on this earth and He only gave that honor so that you take care of your children, you raise them. Your part as a parent is to ensure that they grow well, that their needs are provided, that they are protected, they are safe, but when you took that safety away from them, when you took their dignity away from them, when you humiliated them, abused them, hit them, when you did these things to them that put them down, that made them feel worthless, then you have taken this huge honor that Allah gave you and you abused it, and that’s a crime, that’s a grand grand crime. On top of doing all of those crimes you have the audacity to turn to those kids that you have abused and say, “you better be good to me cause Allah says do Ihsaan to your parents”. THAT IS NOT HOW THAT WORKS.

Let’s look into the ayah, Ihsaan means to do your very very best. Please listen to this carefully, this is an important concept that is not commonly talked about.

If somebody came to me today and said, they have divorced parents and they live separately. When I spend time with mom I feel bad that I am not with dad and when I am with dad I feel bad for not being with mom while both of them guilt trip me into thinking that I am being unfair for spending time with the other. I am torn on both sides, I am supposed to be the best to my parents so how am I supposed to achieve this balance?

Listen! Take a step back and understand something. The word Ihsaan means, “The very best that YOU CAN DO”. Let me repeat it again. It means THE BEST THAT YOU CAN DO. Not the best, but the best YOU CAN DO.

In this particular example, you have to identify that these are the times I can spend with dad and these are the times I can spend with mom, and I CANNOT DO ANYTHING MORE ABOUT THAT. THIS IS THE BEST THAT I CAN DO. Tell them that I have work, I have school, I have other responsibilities so here’s what I can give you and this is the best that I can do. Even after that if they make you feel guilty, or cry, make you feel like you are worthless, turn to Allah and say, Ya Allah, this is the best that I can do and you know that. Trust me, Allah will understand. It’s fine.

In one case where parents are extremely abusive, and just being in their company is literally harming you physically, emotionally, or in some other way, then being away from them and keeping a safe distance from them is the best that you can do. There’s nothing better that you can do. So, Ihsaan is actually relative to each situation. Allah did not put one standard on all of us.

We don’t understand that even in the parental relationship, there are boundaries. There are some things that if you don’t draw a line people will keep taking more and more from you. For example, if you have friends that keep bullying you and you never say anything they will insult you more and more every time because you never drew a line. The same way with your parents, sometimes they ask for your time, you go and help, and then they ask for more, and you do that, and they keep asking more and more and you say that I have to get to work or school and they go “ wa bil walida’eeni Ihsana. So you do what they were asking but you start developing resentment towards them and eventually, you are going to burn out, you are going to disrespect them, stop talking to them, and crazy things are going to happen. So, how do you avoid all of that?

Take a step back and say, “ I wanna help, this is the day I could help, this is how much I can do and I cannot do anymore. Even if she complains and cries and says you are the worst daughter or son ever. IT’S OKAY. You drew a line, next time the line will be respected. In the beginning, it will feel like torture but with time they will learn to respect that line that you have respectfully drawn. You have not drawn an abusive line, but a respectful one. By the way, this should happen in every relationship. In every relationship, it’s important to draw boundaries.

Also, once you draw a line and the parents cross them and you let it go, they’ll keep crossing every line and think of that boundary as non-existent so be firm when you draw the line. This is a serious problem that many of us have in all of our relationships that we don’t know how to draw a line. Draw a line, respectfully, with the best possible intention, with the most loving and caring words, with most consideration but this has to happen otherwise you will end up in miserable relationships not with just your parents but in every relationship.”

[gallavich-forever]

You know what really does me in? People who don’t understand Snape. Because he was a Death Eater it means he must be a shitty person and everyone who was against the Death Eaters were all good, perfect people, right?

Wrong.

The amazing thing about the Potter series and how Rowling chose to write it is that a lot of the characters are neither all good or all bad. Many of them operate under a gray morality standpoint, and this is ultimately what makes each character so effective and relatable. It’s this acknowledgment that none of the characters are really good or bad. They just are, and they operate under their own sense of ethics of what’s right or wrong. This makes them truly human, because all humans are neither good nor bad. We just are. We do bad things sometimes, and we do good things. The good things we do don’t make us a good person if we’re horrible the majority of our lives, and likewise just because we do bad things, even sometimes terrible things, does not make us any less of a good person. Good and bad are very subjective experience. People aren’t good or bad. We just are.

Take the Marauders for example. Now I’m the first one to say how much I love Sirius and Remus, but there’s no way to put this: the Marauders were big, fat bullies. They just were, and I’m sorry if that offends anyone, but it’s true. James and Sirius tormented Severus throughout their entire school life, for literally no other reason than just because he existed. Sirius almost got the man killed by Remus, and if it hadn’t been for James he would have died. In fact the Marauders weren’t just bullies; they were unnecessarily cruel to a kid that didn’t deserve it. And to be quite honest, James probably only did it because he was jealous that Lily liked Severus better than him. There was no reason for them to bully Severus, no reason for Remus not to immediately put a stop to it and tell them that this was wrong. There was no reason other than just because they could, or they were bored and wanted to start trouble. Yet we all still love the Marauders, minus Peter.

Severus’s only crime in the Marauders Era was fighting back and defending himself, which any normal person would try to do in his circumstance, yet so many people hate him. Why? Because of seven short years of his life where he dished the abuse James had given him back out onto Harry. Was it right for Severus to behave this way to a child? No. Was it right for him to play favorites with his own house? No, although keep in mind that the other Heads of House did the exact same thing. McGonagall in particular always favored the Gryffindors and gave Harry the same special treatment that Severus gave Draco. Realistically Harry should’ve gotten a detention in first year for the flying incident. Yes, he was trying to help a classmate, and that’s commendable of him, but he still broke the rule not to fly without supervision, and had it not been for his remarkable skill, he could’ve been seriously injured or killed. When it’s McGonagall doing it to her students, it’s okay, because they’re Gryffindors and they’re the good guys so they deserve to get special treatment. But people start pointing fingers anytime Snape wants to do the same. Granted, his ways are more extreme, however it’s the exact same concept.

People get onto him for playing favorites and for just generally having a pretty intolerable personality and forget that he has literally helped Harry as much as he possibly could and has saved his life more times than any of the other professors can count. Let’s not forget it was Dumbledore putting Harry in dangerous, hairbrained situations in the first place. Let’s also not forget that Severus got angry at Dumbledore when he found out that he planned to sacrifice him to Voldemort for them greater good.’ Severus has fought for Harry so much. He wasn’t always nice to him, no, I’ll admit that. But the man doesn’t deserve any of the hate he gets. Severus worked to try and save Harry’s life again and again and again, and ultimately paid the price. So please show the man a bit more respect because he deserves as much credit for his efforts as the Marauders or anyone else on Dumbledore’s side gets.

[insomniac-dot-ink]

Is it wrong to lie to children?

A personal essay on reconciling with a shitty childhood and the question: is it wrong to lie to children?

It’s perplexing to have a shitty “unorthodox” childhood because initially I tried to throw out everything about It. Toss out the plumping and the rafters and the roofing, dispense of every single part of my upbringing I could get my hands on and not look back. Naturally, this approach didn’t work. It wasn’t even a real possibility. You’re still haunted by it, a ghost in the bones of a house, a foundation that remains long after the builders have left. That’s part of recovery too, to look at that ghost, to look at those bones, and keep saying: I see you, I see. I let you in. You sit with it and accept, accept, accept.

The really terrible part of this, the part where I don’t throw away the baby with the bathwater, is that you then have to raise the thing, deal with it. You have to do the hard work of parsing through the endless bits of self and placing them in “keep” piles and “discard” piles. I want to keep my mother’s kindness. I want to keep my father’s sense of humor. I want to discard the isolation. I want to discard the delusions.

But then there are these weird . . . “I don’t know” things. The things I am unsure if they helped me or hurt me. As I’ve gotten older I’ve gotten more and more of those “I don’t know” categories piling up. I’ve worked my way through most of the more obvious ones and now it’s all grey and mushy and as cloudy as a London winter. Recently, more than anything, I’ve been grappling with the fact my mother believed it was wrong to lie to children. She believed, in her flower-child way, that it was unethical in all forms.

I never believed in Santa Claus. I’m sorry to say I was a pretty obnoxious kid too because I would preach on the playground about how there was no Santa and there had never been any Santa. Which was a bit harsh, but in my defense I was under the impression these people were suffering from some sort of collective mass delusion. They were being lied to. And lying was wrong.

Is it wrong to lie to children?

I’ve known about sex since I was around 5 years old. I don’t remember why I asked, but it was something about where babies come from and so on. Most parents talk about a stork or love or some other abstract side-step. My mother described the anatomy to me and showed me a scientific diagram of the process. She told me that a sperm meets an egg and fertilizes it so the baby can grow. I learned most of this in scientific terms and was surprised when none of my middle school friends knew how a penis worked.

Is it wrong to lie to children?

When I was 9 or so our cat was eaten by a coyote. I asked my mom where he went and she said that he accidently got out the night before. She said they looked for him all morning, but it was too late. She didn’t use the word “gone” or “passed on” or “he’s in a better place now.”

She said he was dead. I said oh. She asked if I wanted to see him. I said yes. For the record, I am not actually sure if 9 year-olds should see corpses. That is neither here nor there. It was something that stuck with me though, the body of my cat with his tummy ripped out. I had never seen intestines before. His eyes were open.

But there was something cathartic about digging the grave. About helping pick up his little stiff body by the feet and placing him inside. There was something about piling on the red dirt as the sun set and letting the tears fall.

People on sitcoms hate talking about death. It’s understandable, it’s not funny, it makes for good dramatic irony when the kid asks “Where’s Socks?” and the parents go “Uuuuuh. He ran away.” I’ve never felt more alienated at those points. My cat died. He was eaten. I saw his body, and I buried it. Sometimes I think I wouldn’t want to be told he ran away-- that he had a choice in whether or not he left me.

Is it wrong to lie to children?

For a long time I thought the entirety of my childhood was wrong and bad, because I was miserable and broken at the end of it. I will assure you, my parents fucked up time and time again. But sometimes I have to stop and keep asking: Was this the wrong part? Was this the part where they fucked up? Was any part of this valuable? It’s a hard process to comb through an entire life and decide which bits are worth keeping, and if there are any silver linings.

So here is one: I am an honest person. I am a crooked person too, unsure of where to place my feet in social situations, picking my way through others normalcy. I do not readily share information, I am not forthcoming, and it’s a slow burn for me to open up about anything.

However, I notice time and time again that strangers will share personal things with me. I don’t mean for it to happen, but there’s just this pattern in my life. I once went on a car ride with a girl I barely know from my debate team. She described how she wanted to lose her virginity, she wanted it, but was scared God would be angry. That she’d be dirty afterwards. I told her that that was impossible, sex was just an act, it had no eyes, it had no priestly robes, or bearing on her soul. She cried. She said she hadn’t told me anyone this before.

I had a friend in high school who was struggling with an eating disorder, people had tried to get her to talk about it before, but I was the first person she admitted it to. In the hallway, sitting, just discussing nothing, and out it comes: I’m scared to eat sometimes. I was on a city bus and an old woman struck up a conversation with me. Over an hour or so, and she ended up telling me her fears for her own daughter going away to college. Her fear of growing old and passing on. Her problems with sleeping as she lay awake and dreaded it.

People have told me about their problems with substance abuse, their struggles with sexuality, and childhood trauma. People spill to me and I sit there thinking: Why? Sometimes I think it’s my gender or just how people are, but it always feels like I’m missing some part of the picture. Why do people open up to me, unprompted, all at once? Why me?

Is it wrong to lie to children?

Recently, I was reading a memoir set in 2001 where two young kids ask the narrator, their mother, about 9/11. They asked what happened to the people on television who were jumping off the building. Where did they go? The mother says this: They were caught. There are people-catchers that flew and saved them. Everyone is okay.

This story was meant to be heartfelt and lyrical, relatable. It ended like this: It is the job of mothers to offer gentle lies.

I had to stop reading because I was suddenly lost in a white-hot rage, unexpected, knee-jerk. How could she do that? I found myself frothing. They trusted her with answers and she lied. How could she? I knew it was irrational. It was silly even. This was a sweet story. It was meant to be heart-warming and framed in a way that suggested this is what all mothers do. This was what they needed to do. 

I felt my own mother, pumping through my veins, furious that these elementary school students were being betrayed. I stopped myself of course, I knew it wasn’t reasonable. I wasn’t raised “correctly.” I had no legs to stand on.

But still, is it alright to lie to children?

I am once again faced with that unending dilemma: how to throw-out those parts of myself that don’t work and keep the ones that do. It’s difficult to say, because in some ways I agree with my mom. How can I not? But death is cruel. Sex is weird. Santa Claus is a beautiful lie.

And what’s wrong with lying? I still don’t know. What’s wrong with letting them never hurt? Never knowing the pain or gross parts of the world? What’s the harm in letting them make-believe?

But sometimes I think about all those people who have cried to me. All these unprompted confessions come with an unspoken plea: I hurt. I am afraid. I am so scared. It’s all so heavy, these painful truths.

And some part of me stands there, the part my mother raised and says: there is nothing in this life that is too shameful. There is nothing in this world that is unnatural. There is nothing in this life to lie about, even to children.

Is death too painful? Is sex too gross? Would you tell an adult that a man lives in the North Pole and watches them?

I asked my mom, years later, when I was less furious and able to talk with her again without screaming, about why she believed all this. She had told me about it since I was very young, but I never asked why. She shrugged. She said: children are people, aren’t they?

I still don’t know what to do with this.

Children are people, but they are not adults. They shouldn’t be exposed to “adult” things, right? But is that line so concrete? Is the word “adult” just a mask for the greater word, the one we really mean? We all agree: honesty is good. Lying hurts. But it’s alright to lie to kids, because in many ways they aren’t people yet, they aren’t people yet, they don’t count.

I am admittedly an argumentative person. I was on the debate team, mock trial, United Nations, I studied political science in college and fought with every single one of my professors I thought was wrong. And I stood in that playground, age 6, and told every single one of my classmates Santa wasn’t real and I wouldn’t stop. The truth was important. And my mother, no matter what, thought I disserved it.

I often felt tiny and powerless as a kid. Terrified and holding myself together by shoestrings. I often felt there would be nothing better in the world than to be grown up. Not for the money or the dating or the job, I just wanted to feel like the hurricane would end. That one day I could stand on solid ground again. My friend often says: I wish I could be a kid again, ya know? No responsibilities. Just bliss. I want to be a kid again.

I can’t relate. I never have. I’ve been busy weeding through the pipes and lighting and the carpentry of my upbringing and asking myself: is any of this worth keeping? Is any part of me built correctly? There are no right answers.

But still, I am haunted. I sit and ask myself in circles: is it alright to lie to children?

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[nerds-escape]

Hi I am now in an anti-Snape mood so...here we go.

Quick preface before we begin: I will be talking about abuse and some other topics, I’ll put trigger warnings at the beginning of everything

NOTE: This is based off my experience as a person who was abused by both friends and family as well as a disabled person and a person who has been sexually harassed and something I don’t even know the term for it was somewhere in between sexual harassment and sexual assault.

“He was Abused as a Child”

TW: Abuse

I know it’s mentioned a lot but just because Snape was abused doesn’t mean he was destined to be a bad person, in fact, when someone says that, it makes it a lot harder for people to come to terms with what has happened. As a person who was manipulated and belittled my entire life I would like to say: I have been told I am a good person so I think I’m a good person, really it’s kind of subjective. But if you want to know some things so you can judge for yourself (a lot of these things had to be put on hold because of the pandemic which is why I’m using past tense):

I taught mentally and physically disabled kids how to swim

I had good grades

I work four jobs so I can pay to go to Uni

I have a hard time setting boundaries which means whenever someone ask me to do something, I do it out of fear of disappointing them (not a good thing but a thing none the less)

I was captain of the swim team

I was in a club that the soul purpose was to raise money for a children’s hospital

I spend a lot of my time volunteering

I know this sounds like I’m patting my own back but I just want you to understand who I am as a person. I like to think I’m a good person but it’s up to you if you believe that or not.

I have lost my autonomy due to my trauma. Every other word coming out of my mouth is sorry because I have been trained to believe everything is my fault. It took me years of therapy and talking with friends to figure that out.

The other day I asked my coworker if I could go to the bathroom because everything in my life I have had to tiptoe around and get express permission on including going to the restroom at times.

Obviously everyone reacts to abuse and trauma differently but having a villain and saying that they are bad because of the abuse they faced is just not it.

Source:

I don’t really know why you need sources on my abuse but here are some sources on trauma and how it can effect kids

https://www.ptsd.va.gov/understand/isitptsd/common_reactions.asp

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK207191/

https://www.kempe.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/The_Battered_Child_Syndrome.pdf

“The Marauders Sexually Assaulted/Harassed Snape”

TW: sexual assault/harassment

AMAB sexual assault and harassment is a real thing that needs to be talked about more, and something that shouldn’t be used to win an argument.

Snape Stans can’t seem to decide if this is sexual assault or sexual harassment. At most it is sexual harassment, this isn’t to say that sexual harassment is something to scoff at, this is to ask: pick one because saying these two are the same things is wildly misleading so stop using these words interchangeably.

Stop using male victims and survivors as trophies for your arguments. Did you know that 1 out of every 10 rape survivors are men? This is a real issue so don’t use it as a defense because guess what? It also makes makes men of sexual abuse seem like they are villains. 

Pantsing was just a thing that happened when I was in grade school. Does that make it okay? No. But pantsing is mainly considered “schoolyard fun” especially when it’s between two people of the same sex. Again. Does this make it okay? No. Do I believe what James did was okay? No. But you can not tell me that if you got pantsed and your best friend was there to comfort you, would you call them a slur? I wouldn’t.

Sources: https://wlv.openrepository.com/bitstream/handle/2436/96284/Duncan_PhDthesis.pdf?sequence=2&isAllowed=y

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pantsing

Yes I am using Wikipedia as a source because they have some good sources attached.

“He was Abused by Muggles and that’s why he Hated Them”

Okay and? He knew good muggles. I was abused by men. Does that mean I want all men dead? No. I have been abused by women. Does that mean I want all women dead? No! I could go on for a while of people who have abused me and I can tell you right now I don’t want any of those groups of people dead because guess what: those groups did nothing.

“Sirius Tried to Kill Him”

Yeah, no.

Nobody forced Snape to go there. Was it fucked up for Sirius to do that? Yeah. Like really fucked up but Snape didn’t have to go. He knew what he was getting himself into. He suspected Lupin to be a werewolf. He didn’t have to go to the shrieking shack.

I genuinely don’t think that Sirius thought this one through. To him Moony wasn’t a vicious creature, he had fun playing with Padfoot and he never hurt Padfoot so to Sirius it didn’t even cross his mind that he might be putting Snape in a dangerous situation.

That’s one theory, there are many theories and we don’t know why Sirius did it all we know is that Prongs saved Snape’s life. And Snape hated James for that. Which to be fair if someone saved my life I would probably be pissed off too but that’s besides the point.

“Snape Loved Lily”

No. Snape has the same energy as the guy who I blocked on Instagram after I repeatedly told him to stop something and then made four accounts just to keep texting me and went as far as to find and harass my friends. Same Energy.

“Their patroni match UwU” shut up. No. James’s patronus was a stag a stags mate is a doe, Lily’s was a doe. Snape’s was a doe as well. Now listen I’m down for two dope ass lesbian does but as we know because J*R that was not the case. That was an obsession. If you think that’s what love it like you are going to have very toxic relationships in your life and quite honestly lowkey concerned for you and/or your future, current, and/or past partners.

“He’s a good teacher he was keeping up the act”

No! Teachers abusing students is a real thing, what’s ever worse (as if that’s already bad enough) school was Harry’s safe haven. Now you could say the same for Snape, sure but Snape could defend himself against the Marauders. Choose your fighter: Eleven year old Harry who just learned that magic was a thing and that his parents didn’t die in a car crash vs Thirty-One year old Snape, a teacher. Let me tell you as a person who was bullied by her peers, when my sixth grade math teacher called me stupid, it had a lot greater of an impact than a student pushing me into the lockers.

Teachers are supposed to teach regardless of if they want to fuck your mom or not. It wasn’t only Harry that he was terrible to either.

Also see this entire article to disprove your point:

https://www.learningforjustice.org/magazine/fall-2014/abuse-of-power

Sources:

https://isiarticles.com/bundles/Article/pre/pdf/130622.pdf

Also refer to the article above as well.

I am done with my source arguments here is just a fun tidbit

My abusers favorite character is Snape and and he said he fully understands Snape...

Anyways I will be sending this to all people who try to argue with me about Snape.

[camslightstories]

Morning like this.

Kara Danvers x reader, Kara Danvers x Adopted Kid reader

Notes: Hey guys! I hope all of you are okay and safe! I’m sorry for not uploading anything lately, its just been a long week. I hope you guys like this one-shot, its actually my favorite!

I will be looking out for feedback, comments, suggestions and more. Thank you guys for reading and I hope you guys have a great day! Maybe, maybe you guys could have part 12 of Tolerate It tonight so... 

Request: Anonymous - “Kara was away on a mission for a week and when she comes home its early in the morning she crawls in bed and snuggles with her adopted human daughter. The two of them just spend the morning together”

Taglist: @captain-josslett​ @aznblossom​ @multi-images​

The sunlight came slightly into the room. The smell of coconut invaded the room. The quietness and calmness of the apartment. The soft breeze coming through the open window in the living room.

The earliness of the day made the sky clear, with the slight coldness as a few clouds shifting around the sky that Supergirl flew. The world’s champion flew across the beloved city, with a tired expression and a small smile on her face, when the familiar sound of your heartbeat kept her grounded and calm after a week-long emergency in Smallville, a call for Supergirl from Superman.

The earliness of the morning and the coldness of the apartment, made you cling harder to the white comforter covering you. Your full bed is overwhelmed with pillows and stuffed toys. 

Your bedroom walls with posters of your favorite movies. Piles of books lying on your right side of the bed. While the desk was packed in papers and computer and camera gear. Some clothes on the floor and others hanging on the desk chair and puff. 

Kara flew inside the apartment, softly landing in the living room. Trying to keep the calmness and the quietness of the place. Your breathing and heartbeat could be made clear into her ears as she walked through the apartment. 

As the blonde made her way to your room, you stirred solely and slowly awake. Noticing her figure, when you blinked your eyes as you felt her presence. Kara immediately went to your side, softly humming to the same lullaby, she had once received from her mother.

The soft song made you calm, as you felt the worries slip away. You reach out murmuring to your mom before the blonde could move away. “Jeju’s cuddles, miss you”

Supergirl's smile grew immediately as she reached to accommodate the hair out of your face before giving you a forehead kiss. The blonde turned away and sped into her room and came back with the same style PJ as you. Immediately getting into the bed holding you against her chest, you cuddle into her as she did.

Your mother started to hum the lullaby, as your eyes started to become more and more tired over time, slowly losing yourself in your sleep. 

“Sweet dreams, little one. I'm here now” Kara looked down at you as you clung more into her shirt, just like you did when your nightmares happened. The blonde reporter stopped as she comfortably snuggled into you, kissing your forehead before murmuring falling asleep after she did. 

------

You woke up to feel the soft and small sunlight hitting your eyes, and the two familiar arms of your mother, holding you protectively as she slept safe and soundly.

Three years ago you wouldn't have thought that you would find a safe home, where you would be loved and cared about. After growing up 12 years in an abusive home, you spent 1 year in an adopting center. Before your mother had met you, and after two weeks took you home. 

The first year was difficult in any aspect, not because she made it difficult but because you had never had a good motherly figure, that would care and love you no matter what. The opening up was the hardest, what had happened, what were your nightmares about, how would you feel, if you need it anything, if you needed help, everything. The part that scared you the most it was that the blonde reporter and family had always been too calm and relax for everything. There were always hugs, and words of encouragement going around the house. Which you had received in your childhood.

All of your walls had come down when a panic attack had come up to you, minutes before going to Midvale for the holidays. Also happening two months before your first anniversary of staying with your mom. 

Flashback- 2 years ago

The diversity of cleanness of the apartment could be distinguished by everyone. The sun entered through the white blinds as you packed for the first holidays with Kara. Your room begins a neutral white with a black bed and a small stack of books at the side of your desk. 

You checked the list you had done days before, making sure there wasn't anything out of place. Anxiety not leaving your chest nor your mind. You wanted to be silently perfect for the blonde reporter, you knew she looked up for the holidays, and having the world on her shoulders wasn't easy, and neither was taking care of you.

Your insecurities flew right in when you had thought of how Kara and Alex had talked about kids, the night before, when you overheard Alex telling her sister how she wanted a little munchkin running and laughing around the house, helping them grow up to become these strong and independent persons. And Kara had agreed with the redhead. 

You thought that you could not handle greater pain than the one your parents had inflicted on you emotionally when you grew up. But the feeling of your heartbreaking the moment you heard the words of your foster mother come out of her mouth was more than enough to break you all over again, and this time feeling unfixable. 

You sat on the bed as you let the thoughts come in. Was she going to send you back? You really weren't enough for anyone, and more the perfect mother from a fairytale. If she was going to send you back, why did she do all of what she did? Why the protectiveness and the caringness she had or you, if she knew you were going to lose it at the end?

You didn't want to be alone. You wanted to be enough. You wanted to be there, you didn't want anything else, all you wanted was someone to think you were worth it. But you weren't, you weren't enough

Your fears and insecurities began to pressure your chest. Began to cloud your mind and everything began to be consumed by your insecurities and fears. Your breath got caught in your throat as you tried to get air. Everything started to fade away slowly and painfully. Your hands started to sweat as more of the air you tried to breathe came out. 

Kara was working on the last few things in her room, when she walked to the living room, calling out for you if you need help and that you guys should be leaving pretty soon. The blonde waited for your response as she tried to give you the privacy you deserved. 

After a few seconds without a response, she turned on you and your heartbeat. Only to hear an accelerated heartbeat and small heartbreaking sobs and gasp of air from you. 

She immediately sped to the room and brought your attention. The blonde immediately softly grabbed one of your hands and put it in her chest before speaking “Sweetie, I need you to breathe with me, in and out. Just follow my breathing okay?”

Your clouded mind realized her statement as you tried, your hand in her chest as she breathed in and out deeply trying to help you. You couldn't do it, you felt something closing all of your air as you whispered brokenly “Jeju, I can't-, I can't ”

Kara was taken back by your words, it was the first time you had called her mom. And neither less in her native language. Getting out of the shock, when she noticed the tears slipped out of your eyes, she spoke again this time grabbing your attention, as she hugged you tightly, not letting you out of her embrace.“It's okay, little one. You are okay”

You fought against her protective embrace until the words came out of her mouth. “You are here, I’m here, and you are not going anywhere, Y/N”

The minutes passed and your foster mom had never let you go. She had held you tightly, whispering words of reassurance as you went to the panic attack. You stayed there clinging to her, tears coming down your eyes just like a kid crying after their parents left. 

You slowly cleaned your tears before speaking up, it was quiet and scared but the blonde immediately reacted. “I’m sorry, I know you don't even want to deal with me, a broken teenager-”

“Y/N, little one, you don't have anything to be sorry about-” Kara interrupted as she stepped away from the embrace, her face in complete worry and confusion. 

Your glance never leaves the ground, searching for any interesting points to distract your eyes from crying. You responded quickly stopping to take a deep breath when you felt everything rumble down together “I do because you had to put up with me, a broken kid from an abusive home. Who has more emotional baggage than three people together? I know I wasn't what you want and neither what you deserve because you are a perfect mom- ”

“Y/N, What are you talking about?” The blonde reporter asked this time walking closer to you, putting her hands on your shoulders. Her voice breaking at the end. Not understanding the situation.

“I know you are going to take me back, and you are going to get one or maybe two little kids who are going to grow up to be perfect, and you deserve them. So if you want me to” You claimed this time looking up, to look into your foster mom’s eyes. Tears overwhelming yours as you tried to hide them. As the last words left your mouth an obvious and noticeable break as a sob came out. 

“Leave, or you want me to take me to the center today. It’s fine, I want to thank you for letting me stay all this time and I will get the things I brought when I first came right away” You looked back down cleaning your tears, and cleared your throat before speaking again with more calmness as you felt everything break down.

Kara looked at you, closing and opening her mouth a few times. With tears in her eyes, she put her arms out and brought you into a hug, letting you cry silently in her shoulder, expecting to be the end. 

The blonde shakes her head before speaking, after grabbing your face softly by your cheeks, having all of your attention. “You are not going anywhere, sweetie. I want you here, I want my kid. If you want that too and if you don't then I'm going to let you go for you to be happy okay?”

“I don't wanna be alone, I wanna stay here with you, Jeju” Cleaning your tears with her thumbs, you whispered again and again as you cried. 

She whispered motherly, comforting you as the two of you hugged again. She set various kisses on your head as she put her chin on the top of your head. “Then you are not going anywhere, Y/N, and nothing is going to hurt you” 

You mention, this time pulling away completely. Trying not to keep your walls up, evading an emotional attachment. “But, but you deserve the perfect kids running and laughing around the house, Kara”

“Little one, you are my perfect kid, I don't want any other kid, I want you” Kara spoke again, 

Supergirl smiled sadly when you started to cry murmuring. Making her cry too “I want you too, Jeju, I don't want another mom”

-------

You stood at the basketball court playing with Maggie. As your Jeju, and Alex stood at the door of the house each one of them with a cup of chocolate watching you guys play unfairly, hitting each other and playing around. 

All of you had sweaters with the Danvers the last name in the back and a small cookie man in the front top. Your hair was up and you had grey sweats just like your blonde adoptive mom. 

The breeze of Midvale had a tinted of coldness and ocean. The smell of Eliza’s chocolate pecan pie invaded everyone's noses. And the soft Christmas music rounded around the house. The light of the late afternoon illuminating the backyard and the court as you guys were outside. 

The redhead looked at her blonde sister as she watched you in pride. As you made a perfect three-point right in Maggie’s face, just to do a small victory dance while you laughed loudly throwing your head back, immediately starting to run yelling as the brunette detective chase after you “Jeju, help” 

Alex spoke hugging her sister by the side. As she noticed it was the first time you had called her mom and had been so open to them “Y/N is really your perfect kid”

“Yeah, I wouldn't change my kid for anything in the world,” The blonde said with a wide smile before you went running into her arms as Maggie stopped chasing you as she stopped to recover her breath.

Flashback back ends 

The smell of chocolate chip pancakes and coffee invaded the apartment smell. The sunlight came through the open blinds of the apartment. The small breeze coming into the apartment through the window your mom had entered after a week of beginning away from home. 

Pancakes, waffles, bacon, and coffee surrounding you on the kitchen island. The pile of your mom’s pancake with chocolate and blueberry inside and your pile with pure chocolate chips and slices of strawberries. The two coffee cups with remarkable tags, Kara’s with a ‘Best Supermom ever’ and yours with a ‘Best kid ever’, at the side of each pancake tray. The waffles on a griddle with the lowest heat. The mountain of bacon in the middle of the two seats. The ice cream scoop inside of a cup of water waiting to be used. Chocolate chips, butter maple, chocolate, and strawberry sirup at the side of the table. And the birthday cake sprinkles at the side of the mountain of bacon. 

You hummed quietly to the music coming through your lead-covered earbuds made by your Aunt Lena. Taylor Swift sounded through them as you danced quietly around the kitchen, as you finished preparing the breakfast for you and your mom. 

The blonde had left after an urgent situation where Superman or your uncle Clarke needed her help. She was too scared to take you with her, after you had gotten lost in Star City with Nora West-Allen getting to a bar, where the two of you almost got inside, only getting stopped by ‘The Flash and Supergirl’ with frowns on their faces.

The two of you were being mind-controlled by one of the metahumans causing you guys to do things that would get you in trouble. Just like it did with every other teenager causing trouble all around the city. 

You were caught off guard when the two familiar arms of your Jeju hugged you and spun you around as you took off the earbuds. With a smile on her face as she spoke first eyeing all of the food with pride and love before kissing your forehead. “You are really perfect, little one”

“It's nothing, Jeju. We can't just keep living out of takeout and in aunt Alex’s words ‘Your Rao awfully food’ ” You said laughing before throwing her your apron, only for her to catch it with a dramatic gasp. 

She said as she sat on the barstool looking directly into her pancakes while putting the syrup on top. She spoke, making you laugh “I'm not going to leave you again, ever again. Miss you too much”

“Jeju, are you talking about my pancakes or me?” You teased as you filled her coffee cup and yours before sitting beside her. 

Your mother looked back and forward between the pile of pancakes and you, getting out her famous crinkle before speaking. Making you pout, as you kept eating your small pile of two chocolate chip pancakes “Both...”

“Kidding, baby. I’m talking about my favorite kid in the world” She said bringing you into a hug, before starting to tickle you as you remain silent with a pout. 

Your giggles and her laugh covered the apartment. Your blonde mother tickled you until you asked her to stop. Tears coming out of your eyes from the hard laughing. Your Jeju looked worriedly at you as you started to clean your tears, noticing her expression, you immediately stopped as shaken your head giving her a hug of reassurance. 

“I’m your only kid” You spoke, taking a piece of bacon out of her plate with a challenging smile on your face, as you did. Your mother gasped and looked at you shocked before the two of you laughed completely.

 Your mom said as she grabbed the piece of bacon on your plate playfully as revenge with a smile making you nod and smile back. “I missed the mornings, morning like this“

-------

“Rock, paper, scissors. And we choose between Y/F/M and the Wizard of Oz” You said as you laid on the couch cuddled into your mom. With donuts, chocolate bars, popcorn, ice cream waffles, and pizza laying all on the coffee table in front of you guys.

The blonde reporter responded as she took her arm out and started the game. “Okay then, game on kid”

The two of you with a serious commitment to winning, only to get to an agreement after the two of you became tied in the game. First, you guys were going to watch your Y/F/M and then Wizard of Oz. With smiles on your faces as the two of you stuffed yourself while sunning on the couch surrounded by blankets and pillows.

You were eating the waffle not noticing your face now was stained with cookies and cream ice cream in your face. Your mom laughed before grabbing the napkin on the table, cleaning your face making you pout as she did. 

Your Jeju shook her face before speaking, bringing you into her arms again as she moved her hand through your hair. “You are and always will be my kid. My perfect kid”

“I'm nowhere near perfect, Jeju” You responded as insecurities flooded your head, clinging more into your mom’s blue shirt.

She murmured into your head as she kissed the top of it. As you nodded and hugged her tighter as a response. The breeze of the midmorning coming through the window making you guys throw another blanket on you guys “For me, you would always be” 

And even though it went unsaid you know she knew. You had finally found your place, your family, your home, your mother and you wouldn't change it for anything in the world. Your mother had helped you become the best person you could be and you couldn't be more grateful to her and Rao after that.

Even though she could have picked out any other kid in the world, she had chosen you even though you were just a boring human and she was a super, the champion of earth, the strongest and best person on the planet. She had chosen you to help you grow up, to give you a family and you still couldn't believe it, but you were going to hold on to it as long as you could. And you believe your mother when she told you she wasn't going to let you go.

[anxresi]

I could line my wall with all the posts Thomas has made about Chloe tonight. (around 50, by my count)

If you wanna read them, don’t bother.

I certainly won’t be sharing any of them

What would be the point?

Because basically, they amount to one thing...

Chloe is bad, and we’re bad people for liking her.

That’s it.

And for anyone thinking that he kids around a lot with his comments...

I’m pretty sure this is something he feels VERY strongly about.

Or he wouldn’t expand so much energy in constantly talking her down.

So no, I don’t think we’re going to get a Chloe redemption.

No, I don’t think she’ll be Queen Bee again. 

No, I can’t see any real change in her behavior.

She’ll just remain the same ol’ hatable Chloe, the ‘evil’ girl that young kids apparently ‘get’ that adults don’t understand...

Yep, apparently we’re ‘dumb’ for wanting her to improve and develop!

To provide a good example for bullies out there that they can be more than just abusers all their lives!

Children couldn’t possibly grasp the delicate subtleties of self-improvement as you grow up!

It’s all so clear now!

Stupid us!

Also, her merchandise doesn’t sell very well.

Another good case for her staying as a villain, I guess.

And she’s compared to a monster and a domestic abuser.

This damaged teenage girl.

Yeah, sounds about right.

And all those tender moments where she showed empathy and love were just ‘fake outs’ all along.

Makes total sense!

And anyone who wanted more from her is just ‘delusional’ and is ‘writing the show in their head’.

Exactly!

Except...

That’s not the way it seemed on screen at all.

When she hugged Miss Bustier

Or had a heart-to-heart with Ladybug

When she risked her life as Queen Bee

Showed genuine concern for Adrien

When she finally appreciated Jean-something

And shared moments of friendship with Sabrina

These did NOT come across as part of an elaborate plot twist

From a show which isn’t exactly known for its complex writing.

They seemed to form part of a ladder...

Which would inevitably climb to a true character shift.

Where this flawed teenage girl could take a long, hard look at her life.

And realize she didn’t HAVE to be like her awful mother.

Or as power-hungry as her father.

She could learn lessons from her favorite superhero Ladybug...

Become a better person...

And an even greater superhero.

She could still keep her sassy attitude.

Just be a bit kinder and selfless, that’s all.

But, nope.

EVERY bit of niceness we witnessed on screen...

None of it was real.

It was all influenced by ‘class’.

Even her childhood friendship with Adrien was nothing.

If he was as poor as the rest of his classmates, she would’ve bullied him too.

Straight from Thomas’s own mouth.

One of the best relationships in the show, gone just. Like. THAT.

He also said to ‘redeem’ her at this stage would be too ‘unconvincing’?

ORLY?

I hate to return to critical mode...

But the show ain’t exactly known for its consistent writing.

One minute Marinette is confident around Adrien...

Next she’s a nervous jumble of words.

It sets up two new ships for Mari and Adrien with great fanfare...

Only to ditch them both two eps later.

(Also, what the **** did they plan to do with Lila?!)

In other words, this isn’t a show that plays the long game

Whether this is to satisfy the networks’ demand to air the eps out of order idk.

The point is that trying to tell us that Chloe’s ‘arc’ was some grand scheme...

Where she’d have a few sympathetic moments only to emerge worst than ever afterwards....

I simply don’t believe it.

Either this is terrible, amateurish writing of the worst kind...

Or Thomas flexed his influence behind the scenes...

And put an abrupt end to Chloe’s development before it really got started.

It doesn’t really matter which reason I guess.

What DOES matter is this petty and spiteful man sees fit to bash her in around 70% of his online interactions right now.

He could just ignore the posts but nope, he goes right in there, full throttle. 

You can just tell how smart he is with his intimate psychological breakdowns of why Chloe is the way she is...

When we all know the actual reason... he just couldn’t be bothered.

Far better to create a whole new character, give her none of the depths that could make a developed Chloe such a pain to write...

And then 'reward’ her with the position of Queen Bee, for being super-sweet and as shallow as a puddle.

And oops, make her Chloe’s half-sister or whatever to further rub salt in Chloe stans’ wounds. 

Is the show even gonna tackle the angst that would arise from Mayor Andre discovering his beloved wife had an affair?

Or Chloe discovering her much-loved mother is in fact a cheat?

What about coping with the SHOCK revelation that she... GASP... has a long-lost sister?

Forget it. All that rich potential for human emotions sounds B O R I N G.

Don’t forget that if there’s a major event in this show that doesn’t include the words ‘Love Square’, the makers just don’t care.

Let’s cut straight to a giant golden Zoe (who now looks like a giant golden Chloe) trying to smoosh her now much smaller sister...

While Chloe pushes Marinette and her parents towards the beast to save herself. 

Because of course she does.

Never misses a trick to make Chloe look bad, does Thomas.

It’s a skill you can tell he’s very proud of.

Anyway, back to Zoe...

Despite my harsh words above, I harbor no ill-will towards you.

Your design is decent and you seem like a stand-up gal.

But I hate to say this...

You shouldn’t exist.

It was completely unnecessary from a storytelling POV to create a sibling for Chloe, and your mere presence will diminish the show.

I can say this with utmost confidence after looking at the situation from every conceivable angle...

Without even needing to watch your eps or know why you were created.

(Although, I have a pretty good idea)

Some people might say WELL GIVE HER A CHANCE!!!!

Hmm... no.

Everything the show needs to be successful with Chloe’s character...

It’s already right there.

She does not need a secret sibling

She does not require a sweeter counterpart

And she definitely DOESN’T need Thomas constantly bashing her to impressionable fans online like she’s the Antichrist personified!

Seriously dude, if you hate her so much why bother creating her?

And if you hate her so much... why spend so long talking about her?

Despite his repeated denials, I think something another user here said is very true...

She DOES live ‘rent free’ in his head.

It sickens him that, despite his best efforts, she still has so many fans.

Not to worry, Thomas.

From what I see, there are still plenty of sycophants who agree with everything you say (even if they actually don’t)

After all, it’s enough for some to get a reply from the ‘great man’ himself

Why jeopardize that by trying to engage with him in a meaningful debate?

Especially when we know how handsy he is with the ‘block’ button.

Anyway, this went on for about a thousand more words than I meant it to.

I guess me and Thomas have just ONE thing in common (Thank God)

This is a topic which we both feel VERY strongly about.

The differently is of course, I have far less power in the process, and preach to a much smaller audience.

Still, I won’t let that stop me ranting away like a loon.

Hey, if it’s good enough for him... ;)

[thinkingisadangerouspastime]

(pt 1) i really enjoy all your atla analyses & you've done a great job breaking down the usual arguments re how eip shows that kataang shouldn't have happened. i'm curious about your take on one specific argument that i just saw today, in an analysis of the show by a zker that was otherwise quite good and respectful (i know you've already talked about eip a lot, so no problem if you don't feel like rehashing). the premise: aang didn't just pressure katara in eip, he threatened her.

(pt 2) they point to when katara joins aang & asks if he’s alright: “aang: no, i’m not! i hate this play! katara: i know it’s upsetting, but it sounds like you’re overreacting. aang: overreacting? if i hadn’t blocked my chakra, i’d probably be in the avatar state right now!” the suggestion is he’s threatening her when he says ‘i’d probably be in the avatar state right now’ to describe his anger. i think this take exaggerates and oversimplifies it, but interested in your thoughts on it.

Hello my friend!! It is true I am Old inside and don’t like rehashing dhdlksjslks BUT your comments on my posts are always incredibly kind and insightful so I am more than willing to do a bit of rehashing for you 🥰 Besides! I’ve seen this general take before a few times and it’s always irked me for the exact reason you point out - it simultaneously exaggerates and oversimplifies the situation (and honestly that’s an impressive duality since it’s seemingly contradictory, so hats off to them lmaooo) - and now is as good a time as any to address it. So, for starters, let’s go ahead and get the excerpt they love to focus on so much:

Cut to Aang standing alone on a balcony. Katara enters and walks up to him.

Katara: Are you all right?

Aang: [Angered.] No, I’m not! I hate this play! [Yanks his hat off and throws it on the ground.]

Katara: I know it’s upsetting, but it sounds like you’re overreacting.

Aang: Overreacting? If I hadn’t blocked my chakra, I’d probably be in the Avatar State right now!

Here’s the thing about so-called analyses of this excerpt: in a manner extremely convenient to the poster, they never seek to contextualize this moment. (I mean, to do so would deplatform their entire “argument” - perhaps that’s why they avoid performing a full analysis?) So let’s avoid that pitfall from the start.

Firstly, below are some links to related posts; I’m going to do my best to summarize the most relevant parts, but for anyone who desires greater detail, I gotchu 😤

This post explains why EIP (the play, lol) is imperialist propaganda and is intended to belittle the entire Gaang.

This post explains how Aang never acted “entitled” to Katara’s affections, particularly in regard to EIP.

This post breaks down the infamous EIP kiss like Snopes Fact Checker, covering common misconceptions, important perspectives to consider, etc.

Alright. With that out the way, it’s time for some context.

Aang and Katara have this conversation on the balcony after watching 95% of “The Boy in the Iceberg,” a play chock-full of Fire Nation propaganda that demeans the entire Gaang in order to prop up the Fire Nation as superior (hence why the play ends with Ozai’s victory). Here is my general breakdown of Aang and Katara’s treatment in particular from a previous post:

- katara, an indigenous woman, is highly sexualized and portrayed as overly dramatic and tearful, because the fire nation objectifies women not of their own people and views them as less intelligent and less emotionally stable

- aang, the avatar, the sole survivor of the fire nation’s genocide of the air nomads who is incredibly in-touch with his spirituality and femininity, is portrayed as an overly-airy and immature woman. the fire nation portrays him with a female actor to demean him (like, that’s classic imperialistic propagandist tactics) and furthermore writing his character as a childish airhead reinforces the fire nation sentiment that the air nomads were weak, foolish people who did not deserve to exist in their world

In other words, these kids have just watched almost an entire play that preys upon their insecurities and depicts them using racist and sexist stereotypes about their respective nations. It is completely understandable that tensions might run a little high and that their interactions would not be as balanced as usual (Katara and Aang have a great track record of communicating well with each other, as it happens!).

So we have to keep that in mind when examining the aforementioned excerpt. But there are other factors to consider, too! Namely: they are kids. Children. Teens. Aang is 12, Katara is 14.

If we want to be scientific, a person’s brain doesn’t finish developing until they are 25, lmao, and the preteen/teen years are when the prefrontal cortex that controls “rationality,” “judgement,” “forethought,” etc. is still developing. This doesn’t mean Aang and Katara are irrational and make poor decisions 24/7 (obviously not), but it does mean that in an intense, highly emotional situation, like after watching a play that intentionally demeans them and depicts them as inferior, they are more likely to overreact, more likely to be emotional, and more likely to make mistakes. Like, I’m serious, lol. “Teens process information with the amygdala.” That’s part of the brain that helps control emotions! It’s why teens sometimes struggle to articulate what we’re thinking, especially in situations that require instinct/impulse and quick decisions, because we’re really feeling whenever we make those choices. Acting more on emotion. Our brains simply haven’t finished developing the decision-making parts, lmao.

In sum: Aang and Katara are both kids, not adults, and should be interpreted as such. This doesn’t negate their intelligence, because they are both incredibly smart and Aang is arguably the wisest of the Gaang, but they are human. Young humans. They have emotions, and we should not be so cruel as to assume they’d never act on them.

So taking that all together, we can now acknowledge the high stress Aang and Katara are under, understand why they might be upset (*cough* imperialist propaganda is hurtful *cough*), and examine how their youth might play into their emotional reactions. And funny thing - all analyses that come to the conclusion of Aang “threatening” Katara here do not usually bother with this context. I can’t imagine why!

And you know what, let’s add one more piece of context: Sokka states that Aang left the theater “like, ten minutes ago,” which is what cues Katara to go look for him on the balcony. The reason I mention this line is because to me, it suggests Aang knew he was more worked up than usual! He chose to separate himself from his friends so he could process his frustration! He did not take his anger at the play out on them; instead, he purposefully took time and space to be alone.

With that in mind, I don’t understand at all how Aang’s Avatar state quote could be interpreted as a threat? Canonly, Aang is someone who was aware enough of his frustration to separate himself from the others - yet the logical next step is him threatening Katara as a result? He knew his intense emotions were because of the play (which he says himself), so the logical conclusion is that he then pinned the fault on Katara? What?? Sorry, that interpretation has no textual basis, lmao. But I digress!

Aang tells Katara, “If I hadn’t blocked my chakra, I’d probably be in the Avatar State right now!” As you said, this is the line people point to in an attempt to justify their (baseless) conclusion that Aang is “threatening” Katara. So let’s bring in the two key pieces of context: imperialist propaganda and age. Given that Aang is 12, and given that Aang has just watched almost a full play that demeans him and everything his people stood for (and let’s not forget it also mocks his and Katara’s love for each other)…

His reaction is understandable. An exaggeration and needlessly dramatic, but understandable. He feels vulnerable and insecure and Aang is human. He is human and flawed and he overreacts here and I love that A:TLA shows how even our heroes, even people who are truly good at heart and in soul, can get overly upset (especially given the aforementioned circumstances!). Would Aang actually be in the Avatar state at that moment, had it been possible? Of course not! He’s young and he’s hurt and as such he says something dramatic to convey his anxieties and frustrations. The line is not meant to be taken literally, and seeing people do so despite all the factors that should be taken into consideration when analyzing it… Cue a long, tired sigh from me and so many other A:TLA fans.

And to be honest? I cannot fathom how people watch this episode and come to the conclusion that Aang is “threatening” Katara. To me, this episode - besides being a recap episode - is one that humanizes our cast even further. Aang snaps at Katara, kisses her when he shouldn’t (which the story appropriately treats as wrong). Katara pushes down her true feelings and retreats into herself, afraid to start a relationship with the boy she loves because she’s already lost him once before and can’t bear to do so again. Zuko further confronts the hurt he’s enacted upon others, especially upon Iroh. Toph practices being vulnerable and accepting vulnerability from others by conversing with Zuko. Sokka witnesses how others have erased his contributions and labelled him as nothing more than the token nonbender in the group. Even Suki learns that she is not the only person who holds a place in Sokka’s heart and that she can never replace what he has lost.

To watch this episode where our heroes must come to terms with how the Fire Nation deems them inherently inferior, with how they have more fights to overcome in the future with the Fire Nation than a single war, and to come to the conclusion that… that what, Aang is abusive? A monster? Irredeemable? That he would threaten his best friend, someone he loves in every way?

Wow. That says more than enough about the viewer, doesn’t it?

[magioftheseas]

The Capital Magical Defense Force

For @oumota-events

DAY 1: Magical Boys AU

Rating: T​+

Warnings: Violence, blood, death mentioned, darker implications. Yeah it’s one of those magical au. The daaaaark subversions.

Notes: This is the longest one because we’re starting off with a big bang~ It’s not that long though. It’s just not a ficlet unlike the others. I did really enjoy writing this though. It’s a pretty...fun...au. Yeah. Haha.

Ao3 Link

In just about every world, there are unseen forces to make sure a system works a certain way. That the cogs in the machine turn without fail and that any disturbances are dealt with promptly. These unseen forces can be mundane and dull—but they can also be fantastical...while still incredibly dull.

In this instance, there are two worlds. The dull, mundane one and the dull, fantastical one. The only way to transverse is through contracts between the respective denizens, and it turns out that said contracts are necessary to keep everything in order.

There are benefits, truly. If one world collapses, the other is taken with it. It is within everyone’s best interest that the denizens work together—even if certain manipulations need to be made. After all, the greater good is such a vague and nebulous concept. It’s more encouraging to offer personal gains.

Like, for example, keeping someone alive, be it from sickness or the aftereffects of a horrible, terrible, despairing accident. The desire to live is a powerful force shared among many, both dim-witted and intelligent. It’s an efficient deal to make, especially when the other side of the exchange is not only responsibilities, but special, magical abilities to deal with those responsibilities.

Shame, then, that one particular being blessed with those abilities, those responsibilities, that gift of survival...doesn’t seem to fully appreciate it. Certain arrangements have been made. That being has been assigned to the same areas as another being of a similar caliber, but far more keen to do what must be done.

This is as much an experiment as it is an effort to keep matters under control. Observations are to be as follows...

--

“In the name of the stars, I’m gonna kick your fucking ass!!”

The town hero known as Starboy was being filmed again. Floating about, sending so-called comet punch after comet punch. The monster squealed under the abuse, but it didn’t squeal as much as that fucking eyesore that tailed the magical boy around as he cursed colorfully under his breath.

“This jackass just doesn’t know when to quit!”

“S-Starboy-kun,” the thing whimpered. “Please watch your language! Kids idolize you!”

“Sorry!” Starboy exclaimed, focusing more on the fight thankfully. “It’s just—let me protect the city first!!”

With a battle cry, Starboy summoned all his strength for a starstorm, pummeling the monster more and more until it fizzled out of existence. Starboy was left slumped on the ground and gasping for breath, but still found it in him to whoop for joy.

Unfortunately for him, that moment of victory was short-lived.

“Geeeez, Starboy-chan, I thought you’d really get trampled this time! You didn’t even need any help!” Another magical boy landed on the scene, right next to where the monster had once been and plucking up the fragment which was all that remained.

“H-Hey!” Starboy shouted, more like wheezed. “What the hell—that’s not yours to take!”

“It’s payment for making me worry so much,” he cackled. “You really should be more careful! You don’t want to be killed in the line of duty, now do you?”

Weakened as he was from the fight, dodging Starboy lurching towards him was child’s play.

“D-Dice!!” that eyesore shrieked. “You and Starboy-kun should be working together! Why are you doing this?!”

Dice gave that thing a cold stare, but grinned in Starboy’s direction.

“Because I like you. That’s a lie. I like messing with you. Also a lie! I really—love you, Starboy-chan!”

“Quit messing around!” Starboy gasped. “Y-You—if you need those damn fragments, you don’t have to steal them! You’re a magical boy, aren’t ya?! You should be helping me defend the city! And then I’d split them with ya even!”

Aah. This guy...

“Oh Starboy-chan, I actually, truthfully loathe you,” Dice sighed.

“D-Dice!” the thing shrieked and without looking, Dice had fired a beam that knocked the pitifully contemptible creature out, much to Starboy’s dismay.

“S-SHIROKUMA...!”

Before he could go to help, however, Dice had seized the bow of his uniform, yanking him to not-quite eye level.

“If you know what’s good for you, you’d stop bothering with that thing and join me instead.”

Starboy only scowled.

“Why the hell would I join you when you act like a villain! I-If I could, I’d beat your ass too...!”

Such a remark gets Dice shoving him back, knocking him onto the ground. Starboy glared up at him defiantly, his stare only darkening as Dice grinned.

“It’s a joke, obviously!” he chirped. “After all—what sort of desperate loser would want to ally with an idiot like you?”

Starboy shouted at him, but whatever he shouted, he was already long gone. Starboy shouted again but, being the justice-obsessed type, he switched gears to muster up the strength to go stumbling after the fainted Shirokuma. Scooping the pitiful bear head-looking creature into his hands, Starboy avoided the incoming paparazzi and gracious civilians and rushed off to safety.

The ideal worker. Starboy will be a great boon of energy in the future once his limit is reached.

--

“Dice is such a fucking dick,” Kaito grumbles, rubbing ointment onto his bruises. “We’re both working for the same thing but for no reason at all, he’s self-serving and a piece of shit.”

He observes himself in the mirror, rubbing at the circles under his eyes. He’s been going at this whole magical boy hero thing for almost a year. It’s getting harder and harder, but for the sake of the city, he can’t give up. He’s its protector, after all.

Still, it’s getting difficult. His wastebasket is filled with bloodied tissue and bandages. Shirokuma, at least, is currently resting in a bucket of warm water. Dice’s attack had been as sudden as it was vicious, and for what?

“Why is he such a dick?” Kaito asks, but Shirokuma hums.

“Some people...are just bad. It can’t be helped. I’m sorry if that sounds despairing, Momota-kun.”

“Bad, huh.”

It’s not the first time he’s gotten that answer. When he describes Dice to his sidekicks, he more or less gets the same response. Harumaki even goes out of her way to call Dice a supervillain, which Shuuichi agrees to, but...

Here’s a secret that no one else knows. The crack in the foundation so painstakingly paved for black and white heroism.

Dice has saved his life more than once. When blood rushed up his throat and his knees buckled in, Dice would swoop in and let him save face. It would be passed off as Dice once again taking advantage of the situation...but it always, always happens when Kaito is facing death head-on.

Dice is a dick. A self-serving piece of shit. Possibly a supervillain.

He’s also definitely looking out for Starboy. It’s happened too consistently for Kaito to be convinced it’s unintentional.

If Dice insists on helping him, then surely he can’t be a bad person...except he still acts like a bad person most of the time.

What a headache.

“Feeling better, Momota-kun?” Shirokuma chirps up at him in that big sweet voice that Kaito can’t say no to, even when he probably should.

“Never better!”

A thumps-up. A wide grin. Doing his damnedest to pretend like his lungs don’t want to collapse in on themselves.

--

“Starboy-chan is such a fucking idiot.”

Ouma slams his chest of fragments shut. He still hasn’t figured out what the damn things do, but Shirokuma insists on collecting them so they must be important in some sense. Sure, Shirokuma says that it’s something to do with negative energy and restoring balance, blah, blah, blah—but Shirokuma is a piece of shit liar. And Ouma hates liars.

But he thinks he hates Starboy the most. Or, at least, he finds Starboy to be the most frustrating dumbass in the galaxy.

Because it’s obvious, isn’t it? It’s obvious that Shirokuma is shady as all get out. It’s obvious that there is something deeply wrong with the magical boy system. There have been so many disappearances and it’s suspicious as all get out how Starboy in particular is being worked to the bone and pushed to the brink.

There’s something seriously wrong with all of it.

Ouma just needs to figure out what before everything goes wrong.

--

To become a magical boy, one needs resolve. To encourage magical boys, a wish is often granted to sweeten—and seal the deal. Ouma’s was a cowardly, stupid wish that he’s still kicking himself for to this day, although in hindsight he should be glad it was so simple. The worthless wish to live as everyone else was dead around him.

He’s still haunted by their faces. He should’ve wished for them but couldn’t. He was targeted and tricked, and now he’s stuck. But the least he can do is make everything difficult for those monsters along the way.

Starboy—aka Momota Kaito...well. Ouma doesn’t know what his wish was, but he suspects it’s as stupidly noble and short-sighted as he’s come to expect.

Oh, yes, he knows that Starboy is Momota Kaito. Who wouldn’t know that? They look the same—although Ouma suspects that magic is at play since no civilians have made the connection. Not even Saihara Shuuichi, a would-be detective.

It’s clear, however, that Saihara-chan has noticed the effects.

“This is the fourth time you’ve had to clear your throat, Momota-kun.”

Momota clears his throat again. He musters up a laugh.

“It’s just been dry. No big deal. You worry too much.”

“Gooooooodness, Momota-kun!” Ouma crowed, skipping in. “Are you dying?! Please, please don’t die! I haven’t even gotten to tell you how much I love you!”

Momota recoils when Ouma jumps on him. Saihara shrieks in surprise but Momota only growls as he tries to shake the brat off.

“Let—GO!”

Ouma does, but not without jabbing the back of Momota’s knee and causing him to topple over. Saihara rushes to steady him, shooting Ouma quite the ugly look. Ouma shrugs that off.

“Whatever it is you’re doing is killing you,” he merely states. “So, you should stop lest you traumatize my poor Saihara-chan.”

“I...” Saihara swallowed, looking like he’d hate to agree but when it came to Momota... “You shouldn’t overwork yourself, Momota-kun.”

“I’m fine,” Momota slurred. “Totally fine. I’m a goddamn Luminary, Shuuichi...” He says he’s fine while learning into Saihara. It’s a bright sunny day. People are no doubt stealing glances, and Momota no doubt has to hide his exhausted face in his sidekick’s shoulder. It’s a good thing Harukawa isn’t here.

Ouma scoffed. Saihara shot him another glare.

“If you’re just here to mess with Momota-kun, you can leave.”

Saihara’s hands tighten on Momota. Goodness, it really is like Ouma is the supervillain tormenting the tired hero.

How boring.

Ouma turns heel, smiling as he waves them off.

I shouldn’t bother. I shouldn’t have to bother.

--

No matter how many times he’s thought that, he ends up in this situation. With Starboy exhausted on the ground and a fragment pinched so firmly between his fingers that it’s this close to embedding itself in the skin. Shirokuma floats around Starboy.

“He’s getting close,” Shirokuma is saying. “He won’t be able to take much more. How despairing. So despairing.”

Ou—Dice swats the thing to the ground. It giggles up at him.

“You can’t save him, you weren’t able to save your other friends. Just give up, Dice-kun. Give into despair.”

It’s laughing, its laughter resounding even as Dice stomps the thing to bits. It’ll just reshape itself and find Momota again. No matter what he does, he can’t get rid of it. It’s part of a damn hivemind after all.

Sighing, Dice goes to Starboy once again, and Starboy is lying there almost prone. Looking painfully pale. His breathing is shallow. At least he’s still alive.

But for how much longer? And what am I even doing wasting my time with this idiot? No matter what I tell him or how bad he gets, he refuses to back down and Shirokuma just eggs him on.

He gets down, rolling Starboy onto his back. Starboy groans and for a moment, he blearily comes to.

“Di...ce... You...again...” There’s a couple of missing words. It’s clearly difficult for Starboy to speak. He groans, eyes screwing shut. When Dice helps him sit up, he coughs and there’s a thin stream of blood that trickles down his chin. “U-Urgh...hurts bad.”

“Well, yeah. You don’t take breaks, idiot.” Ouma tutted him. “Some of the monsters you take are mooks. You shouldn’t waste your time.”

“S-Shuuut,” Starboy slurs. He coughs again. “I’m...s’posed to be...a hero. A-A... Luminary.”

It’s because of shit like this that made it was so easy for Ouma to find Momota in the first place.

And Starboy—fucking laughs.

“Even through that stupid mask of yours, I can tell you’re disproving.” He musters up a bit more strength to speak, for all the good that’s doing him. “You’re really worried, huh?”

“I don’t trust Shirokuma,” Dice said simply. “You shouldn’t either.”

Starboy swallows. No doubt swallows back blood. He sucks in his breath. He shakes. He tries to shake his head specifically. Ends up slumping against him. Dice isn’t as gentle with him as Saihara was, but Dice still has little choice but to help him up.

“Stay with me,” Dice ordered. “You’re not allowed to die.”

He’s wasting his breath. Starboy’s definitely going to die at this rate even if it’s not today. All because—

“I’m a hero,” Starboy is slurring. “Heroes don’t—take breaks...they don’t leave people to die.”

“You’re not a hero,” Dice snapped. One step at a time. “You’re just an idiot.”

“It’s not...not about trust...” Starboy huffs at him next. “Not that...you’d understand that... Ouma.”

Dice doesn’t pause. Far from it.

...idiot.

Ouma Kokichi wonders if it’s a coincidence that he and Momota ended up in this situation together.

...

That’s right. Momota Kaito is going to bring you down. The hero! The Luminary! Won’t that be the Ultimate Despair?

(That’s how she would respond.)

Ouma Kokichi, always so close and yet so far, can’t focus on that right now. He has to save the life of a dying man after all. The results are sure to be favorable.

And yet, also so very—predictable.

Boring.

[whoistheasshole]

How do I get out of this unsatisfying life I’m living?

Anonymous asks: So the thing is that I feel incredibly stuck - I have all the basics of life which I'm grateful for but also that was my BIG dream as a kid, to get tf out of my parents' house - but now I have that and idk what to do for the rest of my life. Like, if I try those "visualize your future" things I'm just like, "I'd like to sleep for a month, maybe longer" & it feels like I don't really WANT anything so I can't plan, you know? Just flailing here honestly. Pretty tired of it.

I wrote back: I got your question. To pinpoint my answer a little better, can you tell me about your current situation, like how long has it been since you moved out? Which are the things you have in order to your satisfaction? Some vague idea of your age range would also be helpful, but I can work without it too if you’d rather not share.

Anonymous answered: Ah, sorry. I was trying to fit in the character limit & also whenever I think about this my mind just goes flbbbbth. It's been about 5 years? That's about the only thing I'm truly HAPPY about, I'm not thrilled with my social/love life, career, etc & have pretty much been just coasting tbh. I'm almost 30. Thanks for entertaining this.

Alright, thanks for adding some background. I will come at this from different angles and you can pretty much pick and choose what sounds helpful and leave the rest, okay?

First, while there are people who have it all figured out, methodically planning their next career step or fully certain that there is no greater joy than raising a child, there are tons of other people who just, to quote, go „ flbbbbth“ when asked about their next steps or, god forbid, their life plan. I would say I fall in the latter camp, but I don’t mind because I think there is nothing wrong with that. I let myself be guided by the things I need to be happy (more on that later) and by current necessities – if my job becomes shit, I need to find a new job. If a friendship goes sour, I need to end it respectfully. But I couldn’t tell you specific career or personal goals, except...

... let’s talk about the „later“ now.

I’m an organizer, maybe even a worrier, and therefore I like lists. And for that reason I made a list a while ago that I still have and expect to keep for a long time. It is a list of everything that I need to be satisfied with my life. It consists of 29 entries and has three of them checked, though several others could be counted as half-checked. I wrote down everything that came to mind, paying no attention whether it was reasonable or feasible to want. That wasn’t the question.

It covers stuff like a clean flat (not checked), restful sleep (not checked), friends that I see regularly (checked) or a job with purpose (not checked). This list is my guide. Well, generally my needs are my guide, but it can be hard to be aware of your needs sometimes, so I got this list. And if I wonder what I need or want to focus on, I can turn to it and choose one of the entries and see what I can do about it. I can also look over the list every few years and see if things have developed in the right direction. Little progress is no reason to chastise myself, but helpful information to see whether I need to re-direct my focus.

Please note that I wrote „satisfied“, not „happy“. Being happy is a passing emotional state. It is completely normal and okay not to be happy all the time. But quiet satisfaction with where you are or where you are going, that is pretty achievable. It certainly is a process, but an enjoyable one.

This list is not a race and it is not really a to-do list because most of the things I wrote down aren’t easy to accomplish with a single action. They take months and years and, for some items, I can only try and hope it works out some day (see anybody who ever purposely looked for a partner).

So maybe this kind of list could be an exercise for you. Maybe it provides you with some insight, maybe it doesn’t. Maybe it’s not the right point in your life. But if you sit down and the only thing you can come up with is „cry forever“ or „sleep forever“ then, you know, that’s a sign.

Which brings me to my next point: Journaling or automatic writing. This method is especially helpful for those „I feel some kind of way and I couldn’t even tell you how“ moments – so maybe exactly where you are right now. Captain Akward has introduced me to a website called „750 words“ and I’ve used the principle of „morning pages“, though not the website, since then whenever I felt like some emotions were starting to boil over.

I sit down, ideally in the morning, and just barf it all on the (digital) page. There are only two rules: 1) Don’t edit or judge yourself, write everything as it comes to mind (that’s the automatic writing part) and 2) Don’t stop before you’ve reached 750 words. You are not looking to write anything readable or clever or lyrical, you’re looking to get all the weirdness out so you can move on. Repeat this as many days as you feel queasy or weird or confused or angry or sad. Each day, as soon as you’ve reached the 750 words, you can walk away. Heck, you could even delete/burn the document if that feels right. It’s just about giving your thoughts the room they need so you can continue with your day, hopefully feeling somewhat relieved.

While we’re at writing, I also have a question for you: Where is the pressure coming from to „do something with your life“? Is it truly coming from inside you or are there outside factors? Are people in your life asking you when you’ll have kids? Do you live in a culture where it’s expected that everybody does something of note, works certain prestigious jobs? Do you compare yourself to the people around you and feel like you’re „late“?

Maybe mull this over on a leisurely walk or write about it, using the method above. No matter where it’s coming from, the feeling of pressure won’t go away just by knowing its origin, but the knowledge can help you keep it under control. And if you find it is truly your own wish, you will have tools to shape your life according to your needs.

So, next, sleep: Maybe do that?

You wrote "I'd like to sleep for a month, maybe longer". I understand this was half a joke, but also … it was probably more than a joke.

How are your energy levels? How does life feel? Are you trying to jog through jello most of these days?

If we’ve been overachievers or had a tough home life or needed to take care of ourselves pretty early, we can become accustomed to everything being difficult. This feeling and behavior can become a way of life, even when circumstances change and we have a chance to act differently.

Do you feel rested? Do you have regular moments of quiet in your life that let you breathe? If not, this is where I would start. Forget about lists, though morning pages might be a helpful accompanying tool (if they don’t become a task to punish yourself with if you don’t find the energy).

Take some weeks or months, maybe even a year to make rest your priority. You will have to find a way that works for you. Yes there is a lot of clinically proven stuff out there, but you will not see me do yoga or meditate. Though feel free if that’s up your alley. If you love cycling or taking photos or drawing or just plain lying on your bed and staring at the wall, see where you can add more of that to your day. Whatever brings you closer to yourself and makes you feel like you can exhale and stand still for a moment, that’s the way to go. Do this as long as sleeping seems like a fine choice. And for good measure maybe a month longer. You are ready to stop when you cannot wait to do something else goddamnit I’m bored!!! (you might say)

If you are in this picture, please start here. Any kind of life plan, next steps, strategizing, solving of riddles would set you back and perpetuate your exhaustion. Rest is not time wasted, rest is how you get your life back.

If you are in this picture, you will likely find that if you really pull through, if you truly rest, as long and boring or even scary as it may be, the other questions will probably have an intuitive answer afterwards. Not like „this is my 20-year career plan“, but „I feel like doing x this week“. And that is enough. Because you won’t need to strain to hear your needs through the fog of exhaustion anymore.

Finally, some practical information and links for when you do have the energy and inclination to tackle your job and social life. I am not saying you need to change anything if that’s not what you want to focus on. These are just some tips, in case they become relevant.

For your social life, I recommend what others have recommended before me: Pick an activity that you do with other people and stick with it long enough to become a familiar face, see also here and here (yes, meeting gay people is similar to meeting other people). If you try out new stuff, go there at least 5 or 6 times before you decide it’s not for you – of course assuming nothing bad is coming up like racist or abusive people in the group. Shop around if the first group/activity doesn’t work for you until you find something that you’d like to do permanently. Maybe you’ll gain some friends, maybe you’ll find a romantic opportunity. In any case, if it’s something fun that you like to do anyway, you will have found an outlet with a social group attached. It is absolutely not as easy right now, with Covid and all, but if nothing outdoors-y comes to mind, you could also use this time to brainstorm what sounds like fun for when things are safer again.

Of course you can also look at opportunities online, like Discord servers, online interest groups etc but I do understand if that’s just not appealing right now. I am certainly over sitting in front of a screen.

To round this up, don’t sneeze at contacts that you already have. Are there acquaintances, friends of friends, colleagues, family members who you would like to get to know better? Then go do that! Suggest a time and place to meet up and see how they react. Say yes to the potential friends.

Speaking of which...

The Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes might also be interesting. Sure, it’s a little pop culture positive thinking kinda stuff, but I did like the impulse it gave me to consider when I say no to opportunities out of anxiety or worry. It made me accept some social invitations from colleagues (… in the before times) that I would not have otherwise considered. I did not gain life-long friends, but I did learn another valuable info: That my FOMO wasn’t justified for these events ;)

It also lead me to the decision to do one new thing every month – visit a new place or try a new activity or cook a new food. If the concept sounds appealing, just think about what sounds interesting and achievable to you.

And finally, the advice blog recommendations that I’ll always have. For social life, love life, and general life planning turmoil: Captain Awkward. For everything job-related, including how to write a good cover letter or interview well and, of course, how to get out of the dreaded current job you have: Ask A Manager.

To sum it up:

1) Figure out if you even have the energy to tackle any of this right now.

2) Figure out your pillars for a satisfying life – nothing big and shiny, just … basic needs, wishes, social needs.

3) When you feel like it, pick what you want to tackle next and see where it leads you.

4) Stay flexible. This is your life and it’s okay to go where it takes you, even if it doesn’t look „cool“ or „impressive“ from the outside. All you need is to make it your own.

And if you want to, let me know how it goes some time. :)

[ooops-i-arted]

I know that considering (TCW-2008) refs/characters in this episode that it won’t be your fav but can you please share your child development thoughts for S02E05 please??

They may have been stuff I wasn’t fond of but there were so many cute Baby & Dad moments to make up for it!!

First of all, the puppeteers deserves ALL THE AWARDS for bringing Baby Yoda to life!  Not just making Baby “come alive” in general, but also that sort-of-awkward way children move when they don’t have complete confidence in their limbs yet.  The are doing a phenomenal job this season and I hope they are all safe and healthy and have all the chocolate they want.  Not only is it fantastic from a special effects perspective, it really highlights how far Baby has come now that he’s not stuck in a pod all day and implies that Din is trying to keep him active and physically healthy, and giving him opportunities to develop his muscles and muscle control.  (Just imagine them playing a makeshift game of chase through the Razor Crest!)

I absolutely loved Din saying “Hey, what did I tell you” because I have said those exact words in that exact tone SO MANY TIMES and also his Dad Voice is getting so much better!  Baby actually listens to him and understands that Din expects him to listen!  Of course he still wants the ball (and apparently takes it enough that Din has been practicing his Dad voice on that too, “What did I say about that” is another phrase I also use at work).

Though there may have been another reason he wants the ball this time - as a comfort item, like a child bringing their favorite stuffie to the first day of school.  Baby was there when the Armorer told Din to find Jedi to bring the Baby to.  He has been listening a lot when Din talks about finding Jedi to train him and give him to.  I think Baby is very, very aware of the fact that the end goal is to leave him with the Jedi and is very afraid of leaving his beloved father.  He would’ve had stable caretaker(s) at the Jedi Temple but in the last twenty years who knows what’s happened to him.  His subdued, don’t-draw-attention-to-myself behavior in Season 1 definitely makes me think he’s been neglected, bare minimum, and possibly abused.  Din not only treats him kindly but actually takes care of his needs, is kind to him, and is the most stable presence in his life.  Of course he’d be terrified to leave him!

I think that’s also why he doesn’t play ball with Ahsoka, so to speak.  We all know he can lift a mudhorn, a rock is no problem for him.  He could do it in a heartbeat.  But I think he understood that if he showed off for her, Ahsoka might take him away.  So he refused for that, and because it’s very common at that age to refuse to do something to regain control of a situation.  (That’s why you get kids enjoying telling you “No!” and the whole terrible twos thing.)  If he refuses, he stays in control of what’s happening.  But of course Din knows exactly how to tempt him with his favorite ball, and kids do want to please adults they like.  Anything to hear that sweet, sweet positive reinforcement.  So it wasn’t just the shiny ball that convinced Baby - it was the fact that Din was the one playing with him, and that Din so enthusiastically tells him good job.  (And Din is noticeably more into it when using the orb.  Maybe he and Baby have played with it before?  So it’s more natural to both of them.  And he was truly so proud of his boy!!  It was adorable.)

It’s the same with hearing his real name, which he presumably hasn’t heard in twenty years.  He responds when Ahsoka says it, but when Din says it?  He’s instantly turned around, ears perked all the way up in “happy” mode.  It’s special when Din says it, because Din is special to him.

Which then ties into the whole attachment thing.  Baby is very healthily attached to Din.  There’s a reason we stick kids with the same teacher for a year plus at a time, it’s because kids are comfortable with a regular person they can get to know, just like adults are.  To Baby, Ahsoka is just some orange stranger and Din is his dad.  Of course he is more attached to Din and has fears over losing him, especially if he’s been deprived of that for the last 20-odd years!  It’d be different if Din was sticking around to transition Baby somewhere new, or just dropping him off for lessons.  But leaving a parent permanently and abruptly after likely previous trauma?  That would be horrible for Baby.

And re: The Jedi + attachments Ahsoka (and Filoni) are wrong on that.  The Jedi do not forbid attachments, only letting your attachments rule you.  Ki-Adi-Mundi is married and so were others, and there are plenty of Padawan-Master relationships to see - for example, Obi-Wan was attached to Qui-Gon and clearly loved him and was devastated by his loss, but it’s only when he conquers his emotions and calms himself is he able to defeat Maul, and afterward is implied/shown to mourn Qui-Gon and handle his grief in a healthy way.  Anakin doesn’t fall because he’s attached to his loved ones.  He falls because he’s willing to commit murder and genocide over his attachments.  So “I can’t teach Grogu because he’s attached to you” is bullshit.  “I can’t teach Grogu because he is attached to you and needs to be safely transitioned into Jedi life in an environment that is comfortable and safe for him, with your help as his adoptive father, and I have no way to do that here and/or don’t feel comfortable doing that” is much more accurate.  (This is probably what would’ve happened if the Order was still around, anyway, and/or how he was actually taken in - the 3D TCW episode with the Jedi children shows the bounty hunters tricking the parents to kidnap the kids, implying that a real Jedi would work with the family to transition the children in a safe and healthy manner.  The Rodian even says the Jedi have already spoken to her iirc.)

Of course even if Grogu is unhealthily attached to Din (which he isn’t, imo, he behaves like a child at a normal level of attachment to a regular caretaker he loves) then ignoring it and not doing anything about it is equally bad.... as we’ve already seen when he got upset with Cara last season.  Baby must learn to control his powers so he doesn’t hurt himself or others, especially since he’s so young he doesn’t always have full control over his own emotions.  “Big” emotions can be a lot for a kid; a screaming meltdown is bad enough when the kid can’t yeet you with their mind.  I’ve been hit, kicked, bitten, scratched, had toys thrown at me, even been hit with heavy wooden blocks.  A Grogu out of control with his emotions and using the Force?  Terrifying.  Yes, his attachment to Din makes him more vulnerable to his fears and anger - we’ve seen him choke Cara and while he only held back the mudhorn, in theory he could’ve done more.  But that is just all the more reason to teach him control.  Ignore harmful behavior and it will only get worse, and Din isn’t really equipped to help him navigate that since Din doesn’t understand the Force and can’t understand what Grogu says.

(Also lol at “He doesn’t understand” “He does.”  You can 100% tell when kids understand you perfectly and are refusing to do it, even when a parent is making excuses for their darling. xD  Especially since kids will frequently act/react differently to their parents versus other caretakers.)

“He’s hidden his abilities to survive over the years” I call partial bullshit on that.  No, I don’t think Baby has done any long-term planning or had thoughts along the lines of “I’m being hunted and need to protect myself by pretending not to be a Force-user.”  But I think he has probably figured out people react a certain way when he does Force things and perhaps decided “I shouldn’t make things float because then people will grab me/I will get taken away/other consequence I don’t like will happen.”  That’s more in line with a toddler’s level of thinking/comprehension.  And it adds greater weight to him saving Din from the mudhorn - he didn’t know how Din would react to him using the Force, if Din would try and hurt him or lock him in the pod or whatever, but he still wanted to save Din.  Overall though I think Baby’s Force-use is in line with a toddler’s thoughts.  “I want X to happen, I can make that happen with the Force, so I will make X happen unless I’m more scared of [consequence] happening.”

So overall a pretty revealing episode for Baby/Grogu.  (I’m not used to the new name yet tbh.)  Although I’m worried about how many times it will take Din hearing it to realize that yes, you are this baby’s father, get that through your beskar-plated skull.

[nanaosaki3940]

Enji Todoroki/Endeavor  - The Social Disaster

MHA’s one of the main subplots is the Todoroki family story which we all know it as ‘Keeping Up With The Todorokis’. This subplot is deliciously complicated and the root of these complications is none other than Endeavor or Enji Todoroki himself.

And I’m going to explain why I call him ‘The Social Disaster’.

After failing to surpass All Might, Endeavor started his stupid breeding experiment where he’ll create a child to use it as a weapon to surpass All Might and become the No. 1 hero and the first weapon he created was called Touya Todoroki. At the very beginning of the training sessions with his son, Endeavor filled Touya’s head with dreams of becoming No.1 hero, be greater than All Might, that he was the destined one to carry out his father’s legacy etc. And then one day Endeavor stopped everything and just gave up on Touya, saying – “No, you can’t. You’re worthless, you can’t do this one thing I told you that you’re gonna be able to do your whole life and so you need to just get the fuck out of my face. Stop doing it. Go be an accountant and just give up.”

From birth Touya was told –“You’re gonna be this great thing. You’re gonna be this Hero Hokage.” and then Endeavor’s like – “Oh sorry, you’re not going to be that Hero Hokage.” and we see that Endeavor’s spending the whole time telling his son like - “Go hang out with your friends and go be normal.” And Touya says – “Well, everyone at school wants to be a hero too.” To me, it’s kinda looping back into Deku’s situation in reverse, like where Deku wanted to become a hero but he was quirkless and Touya also wanted to be a hero, but he can’t tolerate his own flames.

And then Endeavor came up with this shitty idea like – “Oh, you know what will make him stop, if you get him a fucking replacement.” which is maybe the worst idea I’ve heard in my whole life of how to resolve a problem like this.

To me, Endeavor has seemingly no understanding of how people work beyond just – “Oh, this is how I solve criminal cases.”

During his engagement with Rei, he looks and talks like such an awkward idiot and I feel like the way he treats Touya and the way he tries to handle his situation, just proves that how bad he is in understanding what he is doing and how his intentions affects reality.

Even though he is a grown-ass adult and he should know, it's interesting to see that there is this sort of consistency because I believe the implication is that it is his social idiocy that also caused him the No. 1 spot that he could never really become the people's man like All Might because he just doesn't know how to be a man of the people like All Might. And this is how it infects all parts of his life.

He's telling Touya to stop out of concern for him like – “You need to stop this because it's just not good for you.”, which is a very sweet sentiment. But at the same time, we get the panel of where he says – “We got to have another kid to make him stop doing it because then he will give up.” And Rei says –“No, we're not going to do that.” And his response is –“No, we gotta do it because he is never gonna be the one to surpass All Might.”

Then they have Natsuo and we see Touya’s reaction to it and it’s obviously that he’s not taking it very well and then we just see Endeavor getting more and more angry and Rei is getting more and more sad and defeated by the whole situation and when they have baby Shoto, the faces of Endeavor, Rei and Touya physically upsets me. We get to see Endeavor looks really excited, Rei's just like –“I’m done, just stop.” And Touya is so devastated because he realizes that this is the one that's gonna be better than him.

Shoto got what they wanted out of him and we see Touya saying like –“I can still do it.” and the end result is just the dad saying like; it's not even like –“Let's do things together other than being heroes.”; it's more like –“You got to give up on being hero, go play with other kids, go to school and get the fuck out of my face. I gotta train this other hero child. I don’t have time for this shit.”

Endeavor has a line of logic within his brain where he's like –“I can’t fix Touya for what I have done to him cannot be undone because I don’t have the capabilities, so I will just move forward and hope that he copes up.”, which is a terrible and stupid idea, but it is nonetheless align of logic within him.

There’s a certain set of values, ideas and goals in him and he follows them through and they were all terrible and reprehensible. But it still shows that there was an internal logic to him that it makes him even more monstrous without taking that terrifying humanity away from him.

Endeavor is just a person who has done terrible things, with an actual logical line of thought behind it even if it is logic that only makes sense to him.

There’re a lot of obvious parallels we can make between Touya and Deku (they’re not subtle about it and it’s kind of in our faces). Well it's just interesting to me that like Endeavor his whole obsession is like –“I gotta be better than All Might.” And then even in situations like this where he has this protégé that he gives all this hopes and dreams to like –“You're gonna be great, you're gonna be a hero, you’re gonna be the greatest.” And then the child has this power that his body cannot handle and he can't do what the dad told him to do, Endeavor is just like –“Well then, you suck kid. Get a new job, idiot.”

On the other hand, even though All Might is far from perfect in a lot of ways of course when it comes to this but it’s the exact same thing but he understands that like having these aspirations and these dreams even in someone so young is so real. And we know that All Might feels bad about what happens to Deku, but at no point does he tell him like –“Okay, give it up kid. You still can’t do it more than 5% without breaking your arm. Give it up idiot. I’m gonna give it to somebody else.” Like at no point does that even cross his mind. Rather All Might tells Deku –“Look, you gotta work to do. You’re not up to that level yet but I’ll help you and I’ll do it with you.”

And that’s true that Touya wanted to be better than All Might which wasn’t realistic but he was also a child and rationality and setting realistic goals comes much later than being a fucking child. But Endeavor was so obsessed with his own shit that it was hard for him to get over his own hang ups and look through Touya’s problems. Touya could easily still be a hero if he accidentally singes his skin a little bit sometimes that’s not even close to the kind of damage that Deku does himself every time he fights anything. So, it’s not unrealistic to be like –“Okay, yeah I’ll help you and we’ll take it slow. We’ll help you get over your power and then when you get to school or whatever, you can get help from the tech department and make you a heat shield or whatever.”

There were many ways that he obviously could’ve worked around it but Endeavor didn’t give a shit about that because that wasn’t his goal. He’s goal wasn’t to nurture Touya rather his goal was to find a way to get past All Might. He didn’t give a shit about trying to take it slow or trying to help Touya to accomplish anything other than what he wanted and once Touya couldn’t do that, he’s like –“Get the fuck out of my face while I train this replacement child.”

Endeavor is a kind of a person who makes every single mistake it could have made, like starting right from the point where he buys a wife to the point where he tortures Shoto during training sessions. Like you all can tell that he almost like wanted to be a parent when he was like –“Oh, I need to protect Touya from his own power.” He vocalizes a sweet sentiment but also he’s the reason Touya is like this and he can’t just run away and that’s why I like what Rei says as well it’s like –“You just keep running away. You keep creating these problems and you just keep running forward to All Might but also you keep running away from what you have done.” And I am so happy with how Rei is characterized like she is so much more spunky and so much more like assertive than I thought. Like she actually talks back to Endeavor and even in the hospital scene, she has like a presence and says –“You know we will do this. You need to get yourself together and we need to atone together, but most of all you because you were a piece of shit.”

And I also like the little thing at the end where Shoto was like –“I talked with Mom before we came here and I told her that I was going to be the one to stop Touya, but no, we’ll stop him altogether.” To me it sounded like it was Rei’s idea where she was like –“No, you can’t let this piece of shit make this your problem.” I mean Endeavor was always running away. He ran away from Touya and all this stuff happened. He was ready to do it again in the hospital, saying that –“I can’t fight him, he’s my son and I can’t do it.” But Rei was like –“No, get up and take some fucking responsibility for your problems.”

And I love that it was Rei the one who came to that conclusion, because even Shoto was ready to be like –“Dad can’t do it. I’m destined to stop my brother.” And she was like –“No, it’s this asshole’s problem. He did this and yeah all of us could have done more but you can’t let him sit in a bed and wallow about being so pathetic. He needs to get up and he needs to solve this.” And there's no better character it could have been to have been the one that came to that conclusion.

And this is what I love about MHA that how sincere it is and what I mean by that is moments like these where it doesn’t really go out of its way to play into any specific tropes when it comes to this abuse storyline and instead just gives you hurt people moving past and making decisions that sounds reasonable. Like the fact that Shoto didn’t just go on the avenger mode but instead talked it over with his mother which usually doesn't happen in shounen manga/anime. When you decide on making a revenge plot in shounen, you just do it. You don’t go and talk to someone important in your life and seek emotional counsel in shounen. So yeah, I love that Horikoshi sensei is giving us mature and realistic contents like these.

Then in chapter 302 we see Rei asks Touya like –“It almost seems like you don’t want to really be a hero, like you don’t seem like you actually care about becoming a hero. It just seems like you’re obsessed and stuck because Endeavor is your dad and you feel like you have a legacy to live up to but he is abandoned you.” And of course Touya’s responses were like –“Fuck you, mom. I fucking hate you.” But she was right. If Endeavor just hadn’t been such a pig headed shit in dealing with the problem, Touya either would have grown up to the point where he realized it was not worth it or if he really wanted to be a hero, Endeavor could have actually helped foster him into one if his entire end goal wasn't dependent on Touya being the best one.

Did Touya need to be the greatest hero ever created?

No.

Because in their last real conversation, before Touya ran off to the mountain and got burned up, he said and acknowledged the fact that he wasn’t as good as Shoto right now, but he said –“One day, I might become great and you’ll be proud of me.” Touya wasn’t even there saying like –“Oh, I’m the greatest thing ever born. Look at my awesome fire. Oops I burned the mountain down.” It was just him being like –“Look, I’m still trying. Look at this cool thing I did. Acknowledge this one thing that I did.” And Endeavor’s only reaction is – “Shut the fuck up, kid. You fucking idiot. How many times I tell you not to do this?”

But when Touya does get burned up, it shows us Endeavor’s face in horror running to the mountain which again is so bizarre. Honestly I’m starting to wonder if we will get an Endeavor back story ‘cause his set of morals and values is so fucked up.

The issue is Endeavor does care, but he just doesn't understand how to care. Like on a base level, he has the positive emotion of caring about Touya’s well-being and that is about where it ends. Endeavor has no comprehension of what that means or how to do that in a good way.

Every idea he thinks of how to fix it is stupid and he's even obsessed with the notion of like –“When Touya uses too much of his fire, he burns himself. So, I guess he has to never ever use his power ever forever from now.” I mean this goes beyond ‘I'm socially awkward around ladies’.

I almost think Endeavor’s previous family was just nothing prior to him and he fucking hated that. This is probably edge dark turn for what they might end up doing but I’m going almost like the Hawks route like –“Dad was a drunk, mom didn’t give a shit and they fought all the time. I was the scared repressed kid, but then at school or whatever it turned out I was actually pretty awesome and I became popular to some extent by both like athletic and corporate events. I was cool for that aspect so I’m used to being around people but I have no understanding of how they work at all.” That’s my assumption.

Even when he keeps trying to apologize to his family it always comes off like –“Yeah, I’m a bad guy and you hate me, so I’m gonna buy you a house that I won’t live in.” I mean, you’re still not really trying are you? You’re just moving the problem ‘cause you just like –“Oh, they’ll just be happy without me. I just suck. I’m just going to go away.” But like, you’re not helping them heal up or whatever. You’re just like ‘I’m going to be nice now’ but that doesn’t make all the horrible shits you did go away.

Endeavor doesn’t have an understanding of how humans work just because of how he is, but now I’m really curious to see if there might be more behind that. I just want to see why he’s so obsessed with All Might, like where that came from.

The character he’s obviously a parallel to is Bakugo and with Bakugo, we do get to see that since his youth Bakugo equated being a hero and the triumph of being a hero with being as good as All Might. That is very light as far as his motivation goes but it’s a motivation nonetheless.

With Endeavor, we’ve only ever gotten as far as like –“He is strong and I’m weaker and that pisses me off.”

It's almost idolization in a different way where we’re like with Bakugo, it’s like –“That’s my goal. I want to be just like All Might.” Whereas with Endeavor, it's like –“That's my goal 'cause I’m pissed off that I’m not the best of the best.”

They both idolized him in similar ways and Bakugo obviously feels more socially adjusted than Endeavor. Even though Bakugo’s a dick, he’s aware of things and is surprisingly emotionally literate. Like the scene where him and Deku get in trouble after they fight in end of season 3, they're like cleaning the house or whatever and Bakugo makes that little reach out of like –“Hey, the fighting style you’re using is messed up for these reasons, so you should try doing this.”

Like that alone is way beyond anything I would ever expect that of Endeavor. Endeavor’s response when they were cleaning the house would have been like –“Don’t worry, I’ll move my room to a different floor, so we won’t have to talk anymore.”

Endeavor’s a fucking weirdo, I swear.

And also Endeavor’s like actual motivations of becoming No.1 hero are almost intentionally omitted from the whole Todoroki family subplot and it’s so uncanny. I’m really hoping that Horikoshi sensei actually does something with that cause I think it feels so shallow compared to how much time we've spent on it now exactly and I feel it’s intentional and we are going to get something more about Endeavor. It feels like one of those gaps that an author leaves specifically so you can question it until it fills you in.