#like i feel like one day i’ll be talking to a different trans person and be like ‘hi im michael’

[quinnhills]

HOW DO YOU LOOK SO GOOD CONSTANTLY,!! ur incredible never EVER stop!!!! my lil bro is trans and having people to look up to who are like, properly adults, and looking so good and so gender despite all the challenges thrown their way, is so big for him. ftm and mtf are different journeys ofc, but a lot of things overlap at least for him. i admire you so much for being so open about your journey bc it really adds a lot of context and a lot of hope to each one of your incredible selfies. there are ways that i can't always help him, but you are able to, just by being you on tumblr - even though you don't know he exists. so, thank you.

DON’T YOU EVER STOP!!!

Thank you for the kind words.

It’s so rare for us trans folk to have a loving, supportive sibling like you in this world. You do more than you know just by being part of your brother’s life and being willing to learn and grow with him. You’re able to talk about all of this with such empathy, grace, and thoughtfulness. Not every trans person has that. It kind of knocks the wind out of me.

I’m so proud of your brother, and I’m honored to be on this journey with him. Thank you for letting me know he exists :)

And I’m here for anyone who might be reading this. You’re not alone. You have more power and courage than you know. We’re going to take each day one at a time. I’m not perfect. I have good days and bad days. I’m sure you do, too.

This is not easy, but living authentically never is. It’s something even most cis people rarely do. I think jealousy is a huge part of the current backlash to our existence. Trans people are breaking all the rules, and that is just too damn cool and too damn radical for folks who feel trapped in their own categories.

I’ll keep being me. You keep being you. And that’s beautiful.

Sending so much love,

Quinn <3

[thelensart]

Hello, Aceweek!!

Basically all of my characters could be read as ace in some kind of way, but let’s focus on one of them.

This big, tall pine tree right here is Uxue. She’s a solitary shepherdess who, in her story, fights against a curse laid upon her by her own mother, an overprotective and stubborn sorceress who, with the best intentions, cripples her ability to make a name for herself.

I always thought of Uxue is canonically autistic, and most of her personality traits, body movements, mood, and way of directing herself regarding the world, is based off my own experience as a very socially retracted autistic trans woman, reason why I gave her such an unusual look, although I never thought of her as a transgender. She’s not very talkative, certainly isn’t social at all, instead preferring to work her days away in the hills with her sheep, from place to place, but always in the familiarity of the wilderness. Her best skill, or “special interest”, one might say, is gunslinging. She’s quite a good shot and revolver-trickster, although the curse laid on her doesn’t quite let her reach her full potential. This in particular is a parallelism, through fantasy magic, to the way many of us in the spectrum feel about our special interests, unavailable to develop them under the crushing weight of a system that demands productivity out of us.

As for her asexuality, the bread and butter of this post, from the moment I began to sketch her first drafts, I wrote her as asexual on a gray area, which correlates with her autism, just like in my very own experience. Her general reclusiveness, the harshness she feels on interaction with another people, does cause her a certain yearning to be loved by someone quite close, and that someone is a shepherdess from a land afar, called Marcela. She visits her from time to time, to spend some lovely days out shepherding together. I never thought of them as girlfriends, nor as close friends, because I never felt like labeling these two would be half interesting. While I never actually made it canonical, both of them can be read as aromantic. My own experience with aromanticism, discovering I was on that spectrum, that romantic love was a world I didn’t quite understand but I was capable of loving someone back very dearly, influenced that ambiguous subtlety between the two quite a lot. Regarding explicit sex, while Marcela certainly isn’t asexual, and in fact, is quite promiscuous, she understands Uxue’s needs due to her good socialization skills, and such needs are to stay away from conventional sex. Uxue, much like me, doesn’t generally like being touched, yet she loves physical contact with someone she trusts a lot, and feels comfortable engaging in soft displays of affection and vulnerability. Much like a lot of us autistic folks around, Uxue has a hard time displaying affection in standard ways, but I intentionally wanted to write her as a woman of many faces. She might be solitary and sometimes uncaring, but she is terminally, tragically sweet, even though one might have to peel off a lot of layers before seeing that side of her. This is something I wrote for her after yours truly met the person who did tear down my own barriers. Here are these two on my sketchbook:

But what’s these strange names and strange clothes Uxue is rocking around? As an end note, if I may, I’ll nerd out about the place she’s from. In this universe, a vague post-apocalyptic fantasy, the factions’ culture, dressing customs, and bestiary, are based off very loose interpretations of Iberian pre-roman folklore and more recent, regional folklores. Uxue belongs to a tribe which is vaguely based off the valley of Roncal, in Navarra. Here are some very loose sketches of her general Basque-inspired vibes.

Her name, in Basque, means “dove”. One must point out that Navarra and the Basque country, while sharing a language, have different cultural customs and identities. Although, in the story, Uxue’s faction, especially regarding the bestiary, is an amalgamation of both. Uxue is a good gunslinger because her tribe has a tradition of solving the problem of menacing creatures, all pulled from Basque-Navarrese folktales, by prioritizing speed and aim. This was an idea that came to me after investigating the area to make the factions. Near Roncal, there’s the royal arms factory of Orbaizeta, one of the most important weapon manufactories of Spain during the late 18th to late 19th centuries. Today, it’s abandoned and overgrown. That and a general knowledge among the Spanish that Basques have a tradition of steelworking, gave me the idea of a post-apocalyptic culture famous for the quality of their guns and the skill of the wielders.

And that's all, folks!

Don't get spooked!~

[morporkian-cryptid]

On gender, confusion, and labels

I want to talk about my experience of gender, because it’s been a long and complicated journey and I’m finally at a point where I’m not having an identity crisis every six months. I haven’t seen many people with a similar experience in my years on the Trans Website and I kinda wish I had people tell me this earlier. This is not meant to be catch-all advice for all gender-confused folks, just my own story; if others can resonate with it and feel a little less lost, then I’ll be happy.

(This is gonna be pretty long, be warned)

I experience little to no dysphoria, and that’s probably why it’s taken me so long to accept that I’m not cis. What tipped me off to the whole Gender Situation was mostly the euphoria of being perceived as a masculine woman, or mistaken for a guy.

I came out as genderfluid years ago, to about two persons. Six months and a lot of thinking later, I went back on it because it turned out it was just a phase.

Well, not a phase, more like a cycle. After that, I kept deeply questioning my gender every six to twelve months. Most of the time I’d feel like a woman (albeit without any clear idea of what “being a woman” actually meant), and every now and then I’d get clear flashes of “I’m something else” feelig and start to question my entire identity for a couple months; then go back to “nah actually I’m cis”. Rinse and repeat.

I kept cutting my hair increasingly short, event went as far as a buzzcut. I rarely wear makeup. I like when people mistake me for a boy or are confused about my gender.

Every year or so, I found myself looking at binders. Every year I flaked out. At some point I bought compression bras but barely wore them because they were uncomfortable. I like my chest in and of itself, but sometimes I don’t like the way it looks with dresses or frilly tops – I like my chest but I don’t want it to be perceived. (I did buy a binder eventually, for the few days when I want my chest gone. I don’t wear it a lot, but I’m happy to have the choice.)

For a while I played with using different pronouns; I asked my friends to call me he or they for a few days, or I’d introduce myself with those pronouns in talking groups. But most of the time I went back to “she” like an old comforting jumper.

I even changed my name for about six months, then went back to my birth name. That was a very difficult time. I didn’t want to change my name. I like my birth name a lot. What happened was, Elliott Page came out, and I heard the name Elliott and my brain kinda went, “huh I like that name, it fits, I kinda like being a girl named Elliott”; and then it was like an itch that wouldn’t go away unless I scratched it. The weight of that decision scared me. It wasn’t like pronouns or a haircut: a name is what I present myself to the world with, and I was terrified of changing such a big thing about me.

My friends were very supportive, and switched without problem. I was lucky enough to move abroad for a six-month exchange program right when that identity crisis happened, so I got the very rare occasion to introduce myself as Elliott to people who didn’t know me at all, and whom I wouldn’t see anymore after six months. My flatmates were great and called me Elliott without question.

Six months later, the name stopped fitting. I don’t know how to describe it, but it just didn’t feel like me anymore, so I went back to my birth name, and all my friends were chill with that. (I still use Elliott as a pseudonym online.)

The reason the early years of questioning my gender were really complicated, is because for a lot of my life I’ve been really into labels. I wanted to understand things and put them in neat little boxes; and my identity was no different. If I’m not a woman then I must be trans. But I feel like a woman 75% of the time. Can I call myself trans if I identify with my AGAB most of the time? Do I actually identify as a woman, though? Or am I okay with being perceived as one? What does “feeling like a woman” even mean? Technically, by definition I must be genderfluid, which means I’m trans, but that’s a word that doesn’t feel like it applies to me. I can’t be part-time trans. But I’m not exactly cis either. Then what the fuck am I??

I wanted a word to put on my identity, because if I didn’t have one then I didn’t know what I was, and that was really difficult to live with.

It took me years to shed that need for a label, and to get to the point I am at today. Today I see my gender as feelings rather than identity. My gender is too big and complicated to neatly fit into a word, or even ten. My gender is the way I dress, the way I talk, the emotions when I am called miss or sir, the feeling when I look at myself in the mirror after a fresh haircut. It’s a hundred interconnected tidbits that all shift day to day.

The best way I’ve found to describe my experience of gender, is this:

I am not a woman

I am fine with being perceived as a woman

I do not want to be perceived as feminine

These are the three things I’m certain of right now (and they might change later! And that’s okay!), and my day-to-day gender presentation hinges around them. I no longer try to look inside myself and ask “What is my Gender?”, because I’ve never found a straight (ha!) answer, and that’s only ever brought me anguish. What I do now, is look in the mirror and ask myself “Do I like this outfit?”, look at a sentence I wrote and ask myself “Do I like these pronouns?”. I’ve kind of applied the Marie Kondo method to my gender: does this spark joy? Then I’m doing it. In this text I’m sending to my friend, does calling myself “handsome” spark joy? Then I’m calling myself “handsome”. Does wearing a binder under this dress spark joy? Then binder it is. If I want to try out a new name, I can tell my friends and they’ll try it out with me, and if it turns out I don’t like it, I can always ask them to go back to the old one. The gender feelings I’m feeling right now are as real as the ones I felt yesterday or the ones I’ll feel tomorrow, they’re as important and I am allowed to indulge in them.

With labels, I do sort of the same thing, although I’m not quite there yet. The best word I’ve found to describe myself is genderqueer, because it’s vague enough to not imprison me inside a box. Sometimes I’ll say I’m non-binary if that’s relevant to the context of the discussion. I still don’t actively describe myself as trans, because the vastness of that word and the experiences it comes with is still a bit scary for me – but I don’t forbid myself anymore from taking part in things labelled as “trans”, like talking groups, pride events, Tumblr posts and Discord servers. Even if I don’t identify with the word, I identify with many of the experiences, and I do technically fall under the definition of transgender. I’m allowed to be part of that community, even if I kinda just lurk around the doorstep. Maybe one day I’ll be comfortable enough to actually come in, and proudly call myself transgender.

I have been sort of toying with the idea of maybe one day going on T. If I had had that idea a few years earlier, I would have freaked out and had another identity crisis over it, like I did with the name change. As things are right now, I’m just sort of considering the idea and giving myself time to think about it, do research, try alternative ways to change my body first. There’s no rush at all. I know now that my perception of my own gender varies over time, and that I can take years to get comfortable with aspects of my identity or presentation. I can take my time; I can go on T in a few years when I’m certain, or I can decide I don’t want that. I don’t have to make a big decision now.

Seeing transition this way is incredibly freeing.

I’m very lucky to experience minimal gender dysphoria, but because of that, I conflated “being okay with people perceiving me as a woman” with “actually being a woman”. I mostly use she/her and my feminine birth name, not because they describe my gender (they very much don’t), but because they’re comfortable. It’s like I’m goth but I don’t find goth clothes comfortable, and displaying my identity as goth isn’t worth the discomfort of wearing itchy clothes. So I prefer to wear this old sweater that’s super comfy even if it doesn’t reflect my tastes, and stick a couple of skull pins on it so other goths know I’m actually one of them. Just because the sweater isn’t goth doesn’t mean I’m not goth inside. Just because I go by she/her and a feminine name doesn’t mean I’m not non-binary inside. Explaining my actual gender to the people around me isn’t worth the hassle, misunderstanding and possible debates about my identity; the people who understand know, and the others don’t, whatever.

(TL;DR) So, yeah. This is a lot of text to really just say, if finding a word for your gender hurts, don’t try to find a word. Focus on the experiences, do what makes you happy, gender-wise. Labels can be helpful, but if they’re not, you are not obligated to use one. Gender is incredibly complex and cannot be easily summarized by words. At the end of the day, what’s important is your feelings, and trying to make them good feelings.

[system-comforts]

i’m questioning if i’m a system but i really have no idea? like i have some stuff that might be system-y but it also might be nothing idk.

to preface the next bit i’m not asking you to like. definitively tell me if i’m a system or something obviously !! i just want to get it all off my chest i guess asfjdgk

reasons i feel like i might be a system:

-> i have different “modes” where i sometimes type differently + my gender feels different (like not by a lot, it’s always masc but different microlabels) + i prefer different names and sometimes different pronouns. …take a shot every time i say different lmao (/joke)

-> i definitely dissociate sometimes and i have memory issues that i think go past what’s normal for adhd? (diagnosed)

-> in like 9th-10th grade i split myself into three “parts” (trans guy part (13-14), kind of in suspended animation/asleep all day and sometimes awake/in control at night while i was on tumblr. bigender part (14-15), handled regular life stuff like being around school and family, the “main” one. cis woman part (18) who perpetuated/handled a very unhealthy/traumatic “coping mechanism” we had at the time. only ever in control while we were engaging in the thing she handled. originally i kept her in a locked room the rest of the time, eventually i let her out and after that she’d like hang around taunting us all day.)

reasons i might not be:

-> i always feel like /me/, just a different me sometimes

-> i haven’t talked to/been aware of an actual different part of myself since about 10th or maybe 11th grade. the closest i’ve been is like. feeling like i was nobody/a kind of indistinct mush idk and thinking about me (one specific “mode” of me) as a separate person. but it wasn’t like he was actually there as a tangible presence, i just felt like he existed separately. like when someone else lives in your house but they’re out running errands or something so they’re not currently there if that makes sense?

-> like i said, i have a tendency to kinda just steal personality traits from characters i like. right now i’m in. i’ll say sunshine mode bc i don’t wanna put one of my actual names on here. but suffice to say it’s a similar personality to a “golden retriever” character i’m fixated on

-> i also tend to kinda steal personality traits from people i’m around a lot and one of the friends i’m spending a lot of time with rn is a system so i could be unconsciously copying him

-> the dissociation and memory issues could just be from my depression

Hey there anon, we're glad you felt you could vent about all this to us. We also appreciate the preface, since it's definitely true. It seems like you've been considering this question for a while and put in a lot of thought. What you sent made me think of a few questions. Although I can't say yes or no, I hope some of these questions can give you more food for thought.

Experiencing dissociation, especially more than typical for people or for a disorder, is definitely something to consider when questioning plurality. I would be curious, are there certain times or situations where dissociation happens more or less? Are there certain times or situations when memory loss is more likely? How much and what kind of things can you remember? Skills? Personal facts?

During these different modes, when you prefer different names and pronouns, and type differently, what else is different? Perspectives on the world? Values and beliefs? General interests and tastes? These sorts of things may not change as much, or may change more slowly, for someone who isn't plural. However, this may also be different for young people, who are still finding and building their identity. The sense of feeling "like me, just a different me sometimes" could be from plurality, from other disorders (ex masking), or even just a feeling of being young and growing. I would talk with others in different communities, talk with peers, systems, other neurodivergences. Talk about this feeling, see what they say, and try to find what resonates most with you.

Can you listen to these different parts? Perhaps not direct communication, but do you feel an "foreign" impulses, persistent thoughts that seem to come from nowhere or not yourself?

As one last question, does viewing yourself as part of a system help you understand yourself? Is it a helpful framework, does it make sense, does it fit? Does it help you learn about yourself, or does it still feel not right or limiting, or does it ignore other important information?

I hope some of this helped. It seems you've been working hard at this, so we wish you luck as you continue to question this. Know that it's ok to not know, and it's ok to explore the system community as you continue to question.

-mod saturn

[avissapiens]

Jockbull Summer Week 1 (12/11/23-18/11/23) - Set A

Model used is Tsonghan Wu

1 & 2.

I don’t typically train with push ups all that often, but I picked this as my personal goal because there’s such a potent jock energy about being able to show off and crank out effortless reps of push ups. Massive high school sports star energy. But we started small. Only managed 22 on my first day. Granted it was immediately after a Push session.

The second attempt however I integrated the competitive element. I went to one of my best friends from back home, K. Total stud who i’ve always envied and idolized. I expect he’ll come up a few more times before this is over so might as well give him some designation. I asked him to make it a contest to beat his score. He hit 30 in one go. I pushed myself so fucking hard because I would not lose to him. I was gonna kick his ass. And I did. I hit 31 and then spent a good minute on the floor unable to get up. It felt so fucking good tho. Increasing by so much. Pushing and winning against my bro. It made my night. 3rd attempt i hit 32. If i keep increasing. Keep pushing. Maybe i’ll get to 100 by the end.

3.

The first step is an important milestone. Obviously as a Self-employed writer/full time student in a different country I don't have a MASSIVE collection of clothes to chuck out (you all can change that). But there are definitely a few that I already know are going to get the boot when the time comes. The reason this one was so important for me and Jockrs is because we both felt that as long as those old clothes were an option, I’d keep defaulting to them out of habit. Over-sized, drab, boring. Hiding the gainz and the new person i want to become. So the first piece I threw out was a fairly cheap ugly grey long sleeved shirt that I bought when I first moved to NZ. 6XL. Bought 3 sizes too big for me at a time when I was 3 sizes too big for me. And as I've leaned down and put on muscle, all this shirt does is wash me out and make me swim in fabric. It had to go. But I still feel indebted to it. It was a go-to piece of clothing on my worst Dysmorphia days when I felt like a fat, disgusting piece of shit. It helped me deal with the anxiety of being in a new place where I clearly didn’t look like I belonged. It helped me hide when I needed to hide. But i don’t need to hide anymore.

4.

Unfortunately I couldn't really work on this as much as I wanted. Jokers was still in exam mode so some of the shared tasks that required him were a bust. That said, I did slip a few more "dudes", "mans" and "bros" into my chatter with gym bros. And I went as far as coaching some dudes through my leg day workout. This is one I'm eager to make progress on because it's so antithetical to what I've always been. My speech has always been a weird indistinguishable hybrid. I’ve been mistaken for American, British and Canadian. I’ve had my voice described as “trans-Atlantic”, Despite coming from the Caribbean. I was always discouraged from indulging too much in dialect and slang when I was young. “Speak properly”. Combined with being fairly bookish and advanced, maybe that led to some good things in the long run. My skill with words, language and voice are unique. They’re why you all love me. But it did mean that by the time I was in secondary school I was a little alienated from my peers. I didn’t talk like them. I didn’t want to either but it was rough always being mistaken for a foreigner on soil you have never left in your life. In a sense, me picking up an even more exaggerated americanized accent is taking that full circle. Developing a bit more control over my speech to inhabit an ideal I have always longed for. Sounds cool, rite brah?

5.

Again, one restricted by Jockrs being in exam mode. I didn’t want to get too far. But we finally watched the first episode of the 2018 series. One of the rare occasions where the dub is notably better than the sub. But god. What a wild ride. 10/10. No notes. It's just pure gas. And that first episode really struck a chord with me. Something visceral about being palpably perceived as a threat. Emanating danger from you that lessers can sense in their bones. Actually being a weapon in human form. I get such a thrill from that concept. I understand why the toxic tik tok gym bro crowd latches on to this show so much. I think I will too.

[dlnj]

Here we go again…. 🤷‍♀️ I’m really trying so hard to fully accept myself as a girl. Well trans-gender girl but honestly I don’t see a difference , if anything we want to be our true female selves so bad we go thru a lot just to be the girl we all know we are inside. I know for sure that this is me, I am Miranda and there was a mistake made I think in the 3rd trimester ?? Can’t remember when exactly we as humans switch gender from female to male in the womb but anyone born male did in fact change from female . That should not have happened with me and I have always suspected I don’t have a normal testosterone count and have way more estrogen than most men do. It was always hard to grow a beard (which works out now that I accept I’m meant to be a girl, once I start HRT I’m guessing it won’t take much for that to stop , or so I hope anyway ) anyway either way I now know and accept that I am a girl and was always meant to be a girl from birth , I also know that that girl was always never supposed to be potty trained and out of diapers but that’s another story although you all should know that at some point I always accept who I am and live my truth , hence the back and forth in and out of diapers for years til about 9 years ago I decided to not be ashamed and go back into diapers which I did . I can no longer sleep well without a diaper and there are many days where I need them all day long which is fine with me I personally cannot wait til it is mandatory for me to always be diapered no matter who can tell . I was able to accept and act on that part of me which I still find weird but at the same time it feel very right and at this point is very normal for me, the point behind my diaper lover/diaper dependency life style (which I am not alone, check us out online ABDL searched almost anywhere and our large not so well know group of Adult Baby/diaper lovers will come up, we are normal people who just either love being treated like a baby or love being diapered , both or any number of things like that, anyway off topic hey sue me I am a talkative girl) (the point in my ABDL talk) is I was able to accept being strange and into diapers -even have a doctors order for them now kind of brace and accepting , if I can accept that than I think I will be able to accept to myself and become that girl I am inside full time and all the way, complete sex change , top to bottom , in phases , first the counselor , then HRT, then top surgery if I don’t grow my own nice breasts , then I will be able to live as and be a passable woman then while my wife and partner would rather me not do the bottom even though this is who I am and I’m kind of an all in type of girl and I do all the way want to be a girl I do love her and our sex is amazing so while I won’t rule out trading in my penis for a vagina I would hold off for a while to see if she can completely accept me as a woman , maybe one day she will come to me in her own and suggest I do the bottom, and if for what ever reason she leaves me my next phone call would be to the surgeon for my bottom surgery. I promise myself, I promise Miranda I will become her full time and let myself out , I’m so much happier as a girl, so much more comfortable. I will be that cute and sexy transgender woman in that short skirt showing off my cute diaper and tight shirt showing off my breasts and tummy. I can’t wait to be her. In all of my pictures I’m always wearing a diaper and sometimes when I’m feeling like a bad girl I’ll play pretend and handcuff myself every which way, in front like I’m being transported to a woman’s prison and/or behind my back like i was just arrested by some sexy guy/ or perfect lesbian girl ready to take me to jail and have their way with me. I’ll post another picture of me In handcuffs and tell you all the way I’d love to live. Kisses 😘

[otakusheep15]

Twisted Wonderland Rant - Epel Felmier

Hi, I’m back with another long post rant. This is all written on my phone, so y’all know this is gonna be messy. Just bear with me please.

Okay, let’s talk about Epel cause I have a lot to say about him.

Can we as a fandom stop feminizing him? Like, please, it’s getting so ridiculous. I’m so tired of seeing people treat him all cute and feminine because of the way he looks and it’s getting on my nerves.

Obviously, this fandom as a whole has always had problems with mischaracterization, but Epel has to be one of the worst imo.

A bit of a controversial take, but I think people just ignore and excuse Vil’s treatment of Epel way too much. It’s clear that Epel does not like the way Vil pushes him into being feminine, and yet the fandom excuses it at Vil “helping” Epel. However, all Vil is doing is making Epel worse. He’s trying to force Epel to be someone he is not, like making him change his accent and personality to better fit his appearance. That’s not helpful, it’s just cruel.

In a lot of ways, Epel reminds me of my own experiences as a trans man. The constant fight to be perceived as masculine being constantly ruined by the people around me trying so hard to force me into femininity. That’s what Epel is to me. I’m not saying he is trans, although that is my headcanon. However, I do think it’s important to consider just how close his experience is to that of trans men. He’s trying so hard to be perceived as masculine and tough, but because he has a cute face, he’s automatically seen as girly and feminine. Not to mention, the people around him (especially Vil) try so hard to strip away his attempts to be masculine by forcing him into that feminine box.

Now, to be clear, this is not me hating Vil. Besides this one issue, I do actually like Vil as a character. However, I think it’s important that we as a fandom hold his character accountable, as I feel like his mistreatment of Epel is so often overlooked. Yes, I know Vil has his reasons, but still, it’s always been weird to me. The way Vil forced Epel to hide his accent has certain undertones that I think require their own separate post, but that’s a whole separate issue for another day.

I also think that Vil’s treatment of Epel almost enables THAT certain part of the fandom do treat him the same way. After all, if Vil can forcefully feminize Epel, then it must be okay for the fandom to do the same -_-

Look, y’all can have your headcanons. If y’all want Epel to be feminine and girly, then I can’t really stop y’all from being like that. However, I do encourage y’all to think about the kind of character Epel is. He’s not feminine; he’s always been rough-and-tumble, loud, and strong. He does not want to be perceived as feminine, and he has no desire to embrace those features of his. I’m so tired of the fandom just completely erasing his entire character just because he looks a certain way.

Sorry if this is messy. Like I said, I wrote this on my phone in a bit of a rage. Maybe I’ll try to clean this up, but probably not. If you think any differently, feel free to reblog or comment or whatever. I don’t really wanna fight anyone over this, but I’m more than happy to have a (civilized) discussion if anyone wants. Thanks for reading.

[your-queer-dad]

Hi Dad

This is the person who wrote about being too old recently and about a lost ask. I don’t have the previous text anymore so I’ll wri

TW: rant, suicide mentiones, depression, OCD intrusive thoughts, war, ED

So, I have been going through some stuff for the last ~10 years, having to relocated cause of war twice, various toxic situations and relationships, coming out as trans and loosing half of my friend group, so on. But I always felt like there will be a point where somehow, through magic, luck and working on it, I would get better.

But recently I’ve been feeling kinda hopeless, it seems like all any attempt at improvement does is just show me a new flavour of how being miserable. My 20s will end in a few years and I’m just a mess again. Most days it’s hard to do basic tasks and my work on top of that, some days it’s hard to even take public transport cause my brain like to tell me that I’m a predator if I look at people for more than 0.01 seconds without a “good reason”. I’ve even tried taking the easy route out, but could go through with it.

I am also overweight and have been so for most of my life. I know that this is just my body type and that some people find it beautiful, but I just cannot force myself to love it. Been going through starving myself and overeating phases but always end up in the same phase. A year and a half ago, when I cried alone on my birthday because I saw myself in the mirror and thought that noone could ever love me like that. That I am trapped forever being forgotten and unwanted and playing second fiddle to the happy endings of other people.

I have wonderful friends, a good career, I live in a beautiful and queer-friendly city. But I just don’t know how to not feel awful and dissociated and guilty and in pain all of the time. I even eat salads everyday, yes dad, you can be proud of me I no longer feed myself frozen pizzas! Tried 5+ different psych meds, went to multiple therapists and looking for one again, talked to a bunch of doctors but nothing is ever helping. Nothing is ever getting better in my head or in my heart.

Sorry if this is too dark, I just wanted to vent a but without burdening my friends with it again.

Thanks for being around, dad.

Hey kiddo! I'm really happy to hear from you again. It sounds like you've been through so much kiddo and I'm so sorry you've been through so much. But you're still here, and it sounds like you've been trying so hard. I'm so proud of you- and I'm really glad you're here.

The thing with mental health is you can have the most picture perfect life you could imagine, friends, family, career the whole shabang- and still be depressed. Sometimes mental health issues don't go away, or we struggle with them for years and years. Maybe they'll never go away. But we grow around them, our lives expand and bloom around it, and sure it's still there but as things grow the issues feel smaller and smaller. It'll be there, but you'll have other things as well.

Not every day can be a good day, but someday the good days will out weigh the bad ones. You just gotta hold on til you see them.

I'm so incredibly proud of you kiddo. You're doing so well, through so much shit- keep going and I'll always be here to listen. 🫂

- dad x

[my-castles-crumbling]

i’ve been debating sending you an ask about this, but i’ve read a lot of your anon answers recently and you’ve given some really great advice. 

(i’d like to just add here that ALL pronouns/neo-pronouns are completely and utterly valid and if anyone tells you otherwise, they can go fuck themselves. Also, i’ll be using he/him to refer to my partner as that’s currently the pronouns he’s asked me to use- this will become relevant). 

So I have a long term partner of seven years. last year he came to me and said he wanted to experiment with pronouns and self-expression. 

I was totally for it and together we found a hairdresser, and we made an effort to meet other trans people and I started using different pronouns for him and it pretty quickly went from she/her to they/them. 

And when he was using they/them, he was euphoric. I mean, i’ve known him a long time, and I know when he’s happy.

And he said that was for sure what he wanted.

And then he went to his parents house and told them about his new they/them pronouns. 

And they spent the whole time mocking him. Saying he should just fully transition and he’s being a wimp and they/them isn’t real- comparing it to identifying as random objects and animals (WHICH IS NOT TRUE, all pronouns, and neo-pronouns, are VALID!)

Anyway, he came home and didn’t wanna talk about it and two days later he asked me to use he/him pronouns.

It’s been nearly two months of this and I can tell it doesn’t fit. I’m using it now because it’s what he asked and I respect him, but I also know him, he isn’t euphoric and he doesn’t like the clothes he feels he has to wear.

If i’m being honest I always sort of noticed back when he was using she/her all those years. That something didn’t quite fit. And I had already been prepared to help him figured it out. Even though it didn’t actually click it in my head until he brought it up that first time. 

He liked his new name for they/them pronouns. He picked a “manly” one for he/him and he’s been asking me to refer to him with the they/them name as a nickname. Which I obviously have. 

I do think eventually this’ll run its course and he’ll go back to they/them. 

I know I don’t have the right to claim to know what’s going on in his mind, and I have supported him every step of the way, and he’s not sad now, he’s just not pleased with it. Like he is with they/them.

I can’t decide whether I should wait and see or not.  Because knowing his family and their love to get involved, it might take a while for him to pull away enough to realise this isn’t what he wants.

But his family is important to him and if I bring it up now he’ll probably just quote something his family said. And i’ll wait if that’s what he needs, of course I will, but this is hurting him- and I wish I could help. 

I bring up how they/them pronouns are valid all the time. And he’s never once thought against our friend who uses them. 

 But I personally have always blamed his family for it taking so long for him to ditch she/her, so I don’t know how long they’ll make he/him last.

And as I said, I do not care what he ends up choosing or how he presents himself as long as he’s happy. But I just don’t think this is him happy. (Also just to add, I am 100% sure he knows that I don’t mind whatever. Obviously anyone can love anyone who’s transitioning but I am pansexual and don’t give a shit how he presents himself cause he’s amazing and I love him for him. And I am sure he knows that).

Do you think I should tell him what i’ve been thinking? I’ll be careful not to phrase it in a selfish way as i’m aware this might make it seem like I think i know better than him or I want to rush him. But neither is true. 

I just want him to be happy. 

But I also know it’s not right to push him if he’s not ready yet. 

Thanks 😊 

Hi!!

This is definitely a tough question, because gender is such a personal topic, you know? But I do think you should be honest with your partner. I think it's just the way you're honest that matters.

The parts you said about noticing he's not as happy? That's what you should focus on. Because I feel like that comes off as concerned (which you are) and loving. Saying something like "Hey, I've noticed you've been different since you started using he/him pronouns. Do you agree? Why do you think that is?" I think that would really open the conversation to his feelings. Hopefully he'll be able to recognize your love for him and that you're coming from a place of concern. You could even say "I noticed when you started using they/them pronouns, you were so happy! Like X time, you were just so confident, you know?"

I don't think, though, that you should bring up his family. It sounds like he still has loyalty to them and bringing them up could cause more conflict than resolution. Same with saying something like "I think you'll end up going back to they/them." That makes it seem like you're dictating how he'll live. I know you're not, but it could feel that way.

But yeah, I do think you should bring it up. I think partners are the best people to try to point out to their S/Os that they need to put themselves and their needs first sometimes, and stop worrying about others.

I hope that helps! Feel free to message/update me if you want! I'd love to know how you both are doing!

Also, I'm naming you smiley anon because I'm trying to give every anon a separate tag and you put a smiley face at the end of your post.

[illnessfaker]

Your recent couple reblogs has me wondering something, that maybe you have more perspective on given your own experiences with gender.

Often times I’ll hear bigender, genderfluid, and various flavors of nonbinary people talk as if they are (in a political sense) both man and woman (also sometimes TME and TMA using the same logic)

I get it in terms of self-identification, but in terms of how society treats us, I’m skeptical that the current oppressively gendered system has room for that kind of nuance.

I think it’s just because I’m a trans woman and at the end of the day I get treated as a fag regardless if people see me as a man or woman, so I don’t get the option anyway lol

But I also kinda feel like I’m just rehashing “there are only 2 genders!!” but from a leftist angle, which also sucks

i mean this is like a really tough question that i don't think there's a good answer to because there's not really any difference btwn "being a man/woman" vs. "being a man/woman politically" and by that i mean when you ask what "being a man/woman" means the only good answer to that question i can come up with is "they're labels that indicates one's relationship to patriarchy" but even that answer isn't especially helpful in this situation because 1. that's basically the function of gender identity labels is to describe one's relationship to gender and indicate how they navigate the system whether they're "binary" or not and 2. there is no litmus test for who "counts" as a man or a woman because if you go around and ask people why they identify this way you'll get a hundred different answers even if the people you ask label themselves in the same way because gender identity at the end of the day not only has to do w/ the gendered messaging you are subject to from society (which includes violence) and then how you personally rationalize and respond to it.

the thing is that there are many different avenues of being gendered so i'd say that yeah, someone can be both a man and a woman if they believe their experiences align w/ that, but the reasons for why someone believes that, like i said, are going to widely vary. someone might be legally considered female but be gendered as male in a bunch of other contexts and they might factor that experience in to their gender identity. someone might be legally considered male but be gendered as female or subject to misogyny in a bunch of other contexts and they might factor that experience in to their gender identity. but it's not as if legally being male = you can wield that simple fact to enact gendered violence (which plenty of transfem and other camab trans ppl are aware of, i'm sure) and access the gendered privileges that one might associate with maleness, and it's not as if legally being female = one is entirely excluded from enacting gendered violence or accessing gendered privileges. it's messy. those are two very simplistic examples that include the word "might" because a the end of the day, there aren't any rules that determine who is "actually" what because the series of "tests" that society subjects us to in order to determine that are incoherent, since gender has no essence to it. it's not nuance, its nonsense.

transmisogynists insist that genitalia or assigned sex determines how you're gendered but a cashier once told me that he thought i was a man because i was wearing flannel. the only assumption i can make as to why other people read me as having been camab (i say that because people often either insist i'm a man or they've told me they thought i was transfem at first) is because i have some physical features that society labels as "male" and some of my autism/ADHD traits are ones that society also labels as "male" (e.g. lack of volume control making me very loud.) those are also very simple examples because ofc much more goes into gendered violence than just how random people w/o institutional power perceive you, but the point is that gender's rules are pretty nonsensical based on how people actually apply them. i have a social experience that one could arguably call "both male and female" but that doesn't feel like at all an accurate assessment of what it's like for me whatsoever (enough that it feels like misgendering) - and i certainly don't see myself as "tma." that being said, i think i'm one of those people who can't be neatly sorted into "socially located as female" vs. "socially located as male." i think i'm socially located as a (tme) marginalized gender subject, but that kind of subjective experience isn't the norm.

that doesn't mean there aren't experiences that are typical of womanhood or experiences that are typical of manhood. if there weren't then the whole framework of patriarchy and misogyny wouldn't hold up very well. but the "typical" part is kinda key because acting as if there is some singular, concrete thing that distinguishes the "male experience" from the "female experience" is conceding the point that men and women are essentially different, which is something that reinforces patriarchy rather than deconstructing it, and "men oppress women" is not a singular, concrete thing to me in this instance because the ways in which that tangibly occurs are incredibly varied and complex, with a myriad of factors always being involved, which is a fact that people like MRAs and transmisogynists will try to exploit for the sake of their (trans)misogynistic views.

so it's like, at the end of the day, yeah - binaries are bullshit, but also we need what some might call vague generalizing/binaristic language for the sake of discussing literally anything at all in a way that is comprehensible. the frameworks/concepts of patriarchy and (trans)misogyny don't suddenly fall apart if we acknowledge the ~nuance~ of how gender works and is affected by different factors because the whole point is that these things are deeply embedded, broader sociocultural trends, not that they're absolute rules with zero exceptions in what some discussion about them might sometimes imply. (trans) men being subjected to violence that is defined by or wrapped up in (trans)misogyny or (trans) women circumstantially also wielding (trans)misogyny against other (trans)women doesn't mean that (trans)misogyny shouldn't be about (trans) women.

the issue here, i think, doesn't have to do w/ how someone identifies (that dog won't hunt) so much as how they actually grapple with that complexity and how they use it to relate to others. to use an example from that one post i rb'd earlier, someone labeling themselves as a "transfemmasc gaybilesbian" and then talking about how oppressive and evil and binaristic both assigned sex labels and the label "tme" is, is - in practice - someone who is against any concise language happening irt discussion of transmisogyny, and - in addition - any concise language that would denote whether they're someone who is capable of enacting gendered violence against trans women in the way only non-trans women can. and then it gets 10x worse when you see that same person reblogging posts about how transmisandry real and trans womanhood is not a gender category that sits beneath trans manhood on a hierarchical scale.

if trans women can't use "transfem" to talk about transmisogyny, can't use "camab/cafab," and can't use "tme/tma," then they can't use anything. this usually happens in the case of trans other trans people who are, in fact, tme, and them being tme is part of what enables them to be able to do this in the first place, because it is apparent to anyone who pays attention that trans women and other camab trans people are typically not afforded the same room to treat gender identity like a playground in the way that tme trans people are, when looking at things from the perspective of transmisogyny.

like, at that point, i can only assume you believe yourself to be incapable of gendered violence in any meaningful sense/are dodging any sense of accountability, and are using the obfuscation of difference and meaning of terms to your advantage as someone who does in fact possess privilege in terms of gender, lol. everyone does to some extent when you include factors that significantly affect one's relationship to the gender binary such as race, disability, etc.

[natashxromanovf]

📜 - send me an scenario for a drabble (it can have a prompt or not, you choose) and i’ll try my best to write it (once again, only for the fandoms listed above)

rockstar!remus asking you out on your first date from the stage?

Back home

rockstar!remus lupin x reader

wc: around 500

warnings: some poor writing because i’m trying to get back into it lmaoo

a/n: i love this idea so much! i used the song cars outside by james arthur because i just love it so much. i had a lot of fun writing this but i have to warn that it might suck <33

celebration is still open!!

befriending remus lupin has got to be one of the best things that ever happened in your life. you remember how a couple of years ago he was just a cute nerd in your class and now he’s on stage with his band, performing in front of a whole stadium. a full one at that.

you couldn’t be more proud of him. he loves music and you know that this means the world to him. he always dreamt of this, and now it is becoming a reality.

you’re in the middle of screaming the outro to one of their songs, a huge smile on your face. of course remus made sure you come, giving you the tickets to the very front row. the song comes to an end and people calm down slightly, taking a breath or two, already preparing for the next song. you look up, seeing remus already looking at you. even in the dark, you still manage to find his bright eyes.

“this next song is for someone very special,” he starts, screams of excitement filling up the room. you look around confused, not knowing what he’s talking about. when did the concert plan change? “it’s our first time playing the song, but we know we want to play it right now because it’s the first time after a while that this person is at one of our concerts,” he continues, a huge smile appearing on his face. “y/n, this is for you,” he confesses, starting to play the melody. you’re too surprised to react, just standing there while everyone around you screams their lungs out.

i’m packin' my bags that I didn't unpack the last time. i’m sayin', "see you again," so many times, it's becoming my tagline. but you know the truth, i'd rather hold you, than try to catch this flight

you finally come out of the trans, registering the words he’s singing. this isn’t a regular friendship song - he’s confessing his love.

oh, darling, all of the city lights never shine as bright as your eyes

you almost start crying. he’s too sweet for this world, honestly. it’s true that you wanted to be more than a friend for a while now but with his tour and all the concerts, you didn’t even have the chance to say anything. and now he’s finally back home, singing a song he wrote. for you.

i don't wanna leave you, ooh-ooh, ah i don't wanna leave you, ooh-ooh, ah i don't wanna leave you, don't wanna leave you anymore

this can’t be real. no, you must be dreaming. but of course you aren’t because this is remus we’re talking about. he would do something like this because this is just the kind of person that he is. always the romantic type, always the one who pays the most attention, who listens, who sees things. and of course he caught on with your feelings because this is just what he does. and he feels the same. remus lupin loves you. the same nerd you met in college, the same remus who made you laugh when no one else could.

“y/n, i’m sorry,” he starts, walking off stage to where you’re standing, taking your hand in his. “i’m sorry for never being home, for all the plans i had to cancel, for all the times the time difference made sure we didn’t talk for days. i can’t promise all those things won’t happen ever again but i can’t ever leave home again without letting you know how i really feel. because every time i say goodbye, my heart aches when i can’t kiss you. every time i see you again after a long time, all i wanna do is wrap you in my arms and kiss you until i can’t breath anymore. but i can’t do that because i always chicken out of telling you. and i’m sick of being afraid, i’m sick of the possibility of missing out on these beautiful years with you because of my fears. so, this is my confession,” he finishes, looking at you expectantly. you don’t even have to think about this - the answer is yes, the answer always was yes and will forever be yes.

“i love you too, dummy,” you laugh, pressing your lips against his in a very passionate kiss. the whole stadium screams but you can’t hear anything other than remus’ happy laugh when he wraps you in a tight hug.

harry potter taglist: @yoongisbiwife @sexysirius @pregnant-piggy @lilylovegood @catching-the-train-to-hogwarts @leossmoonn @msfandomfreak @pottahishotasf @johnmurphyisqueer @griffxnnage @fairydxll @lovelyjj @cupids-crystals @marauders-babe @alexxavicry

remus lupin: @velvetcloxds @jackys-stuff-blog @mollysolo @eichenhouseproperty @uwiuwi @whovianwholikesgirls @liltimmyst

[smolvenger]

(Not) Alone On Christmas (Bucky x Trans! Masc! Reader Oneshot)

Summary: Buckys about to spend a holiday by himself. You run to him with a proposition: you need a fake boyfriend for Christmas Day. But don't worry, it's all gonna be fake hahaha...unless?...

Word Count: 4K

Warnings: Swearing, mentions of drinking and of children, Reader's family not using the right pronouns but Bucky corrects them. Fake Dating.

A/N: Hi there, @riley-writes!!! Tis I!!! Your secret Satna for @startrekkingaroundasgard's Holiday Fic Exchange! Just want to say, thanks to @riley-writes for helping me out bc I am not a trans person and for the HUGE help in getting the details right! Also thanks to @jamesbuckybarns for all the ideas about this fic, many of which made it to this final draft! I hope y'all like it! Here is a link to the song featured in the fic

COMMENTS, REBLOGS, AND ASKS ARE DEEPLY APPRECIATED!!!

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BUCKY’S POV

“No, you earned the chance to have Christmas in Paris!” Bucky insisted.

Sam laughed at the other end of the line.

“It’s been Sarah’s dream to see Paris since she was a kid and why shouldn’t the boys go too? They were hopping up and down when they got the news. So…are you sure you won’t mind me traveling?”

Bucky shook his head, the phone hot against his ear.

“You should go, Sam…when was the last time you had a genuine break? You’ve been saving all our asses for months!” he replied.

“Guess you’re right. The shield’s heavy in more ways than one…” Sam admitted.

Bucky began to pace around his apartment. He then glanced out at the window. It was freezing cold and grey, but no snow. And Christmas was in about a week!

“Go spend Christmas in Paris with your family Sam, you earned it.”

“And you’ll be okay? No more of that Hydra or Winter Soldier crap, alright? Nothing, I repeat, nothing that will make me fly back there?!? This is my vacation we’re talking about!” Sam asked.

“It will all be fine!”

“Please, I don’t want to babysit any more Super Soldiers!”

“But I’m your best one!”

“You have a point. And for once the wizards and aliens have stopped and…I wouldn’t mind having an actual French croissant…”

“Go spend Christmas in France and don’t feel the need to babysit us…” Bucky insisted.

“Thanks Buck.”

“Thanks Sam.”

“I’ll get you a souvenir…”

“Get me French Wine and we’ll call it a deal.”

“Alright, man. Deal- I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

“Okay, bye.”

He hung up the phone. He was glad Sam could go but it meant…the holidays alone. Truly, truly alone. Not that Bucky minded solitude or didn’t find worthwhile moments when he was by himself.

It just hit different on a holiday like Christmas.

He gave out a sigh. He should mention this to his therapist.

He remembered the old Christmases in Brooklyn. Steve’s mom would bake him a small version of his favorite pie. You could hear people’s Christmas records sometimes as you walked by apartments. He and Steve would pelt each other with snowballs. They’d walk around New York admiring beautiful decorations and hot chocolate was worth an extra penny to spend on for the warmth around your hands.

He looked down on his own…Well…both of his hands at the time.

As he slid down to the couch to turn on the tv, he heard a desperate knock at the door. Fear hit his stomach and he slowly walked, metal arm ready, to see who it was. He opened the door and poked his head through, just to check. Then his muscles relaxed and he swung it wide open.

It wasn’t an enemy. Not at all. It was Y/N.

But he was not looking chipper as usual, but desperate.

Reader’s POV

“You want me to pretend to be your boyfriend!?” Bucky cried, hands on his hips

“Yes! Please!” you begged, sitting on the couch.

 The Hallmark Christmas movie that was turned out was drowned away to the more interesting, real drama between you both. You even folded your arms and looked up at him, like a puppy.

“All because your relatives are trying to set you up with some other guy?” Bucky tried to recall.

“Yes! Bobby! He’s the actual worst! So damn annoying. I hear his voice and lose brain cells, and not in a good way. He won’t even say my pronouns. Refer to the dead ones. Like he’s in love with the dead me and not the me me!  And he’s going to be there all day at Christmas at my family’s house! I just know he’s going to ask me out in front of everyone!  Please, Bucky- I’ll pay you if you need!” you said, reaching in your pocket to get your wallet.

“No, it’s just…it’ll feel a bit weird…”

“Not as weird as shoving this guy who’s going to be there and force me to date him?!? No sir- I’d rather it be you there! Besides, if you were there-Bobby would stay away. He’ll respect you. He and everyone else will think I am taken! It’s just for Christmas, I swear!” you insisted, shaking your head.

You saw him smile. You didn’t want to admit it, but Bucky had the most handsome smile you had ever seen. You clasped your hands together on your lap and bounced your leg as he paced, awaiting his response.

“Alright. I’ll do it. Sam’s gone- might as well spend the holiday with you.”

You let out a sigh of relief and a hundred thank you Bucky and you’re the best friend ever, Bucky.

In a flurry of baking and shopping and movie re-watching and carol blasting, Christmas Day and the big Family gathering arrived.

BUCKY'S POV

He initially didn’t know if he wanted to accept.

But which was better: another holiday watching the newer movies and ones he had seen tons of times before and hearing the same songs about togetherness while alone…or having company? And above all, in Y/N’s presence…

Bucky was a lonely man. That was, until he met you. But you had a whole family, and he did not. Maybe he could turn away but seeing as how you were about to wrap your knuckles on the door on a bitter cold Christmas afternoon, it was too late.

Here he was, awkwardly standing at the door holding macaroni and cheese- the warmth still radiating to where he felt it in one hand and under his chin. How would they react? As you were hugging your cousins and parents and aunts and uncles, he was still eyeing everything carefully as if it was a battlefield of it’s own.

As he gingerly stepped in, he found himself ducking and looking around, maybe to make himself smaller, less of a target. Eyes immediately turned to him.

“Guys, this is my boyfriend- James Barnes! But you can call him Bucky!” you introduced with a grand sweep of your arms and a cheesy, circus-performer sized smile.

“Oh, Y/N! You finally have a boyfriend! Wonderful!” your mom cheered.

Bucky nodded his head with a shy smile as “hellos” were exchanged. Once he put the macaroni on the kitchen counter- already the building was warm from all the cooking- and shook every hand he could, he went to the corner coat rack.

He took off his coat and then carefully put his gloves in his pocket. Once his gloves were off, the little children of the family looked at the undeniably metal arm. They gathered in wide eyed curiosity at it.

“What’s that? Why is it metal?” one little boy asked.

You had just gotten a drink to await the lunch and were sipping at it while watching.

“I, uh, had an accident and I lost it. So, I got it replaced,” he answered.

It was technically the truth after all. They didn’t need to know the details about Hydra.

“Can I touch it?” one little girl asked, her brown eyes getting bigger.

“Sure…”

She poked it, feeling how cold and solid it felt to her fingers.

“Wooooaaahhhh!”

“Can I touch it? Can I??” they all asked like meercats sticking their noses up in the air.

They followed him as he went to the kitchen to get his plate of appetizers and then plopped onto the couch. Out of the corner of his eyes were more of the younger kids. Their parents brought them their activity books, knowing that there would be a lot of “grown up” talking when it wasn’t present time. One bold little girl crawled up to him.

“What’s your name?” she asked.

“You can call me Bucky…” he said gently.

Her eye went to the inevitable- his arm.

“Bucky- your arm is so cool!? Can I put stickers on it!” she asked.

You nearly snorted out your drink, putting a hand to your mouth to keep from laughing. She ran over, picked up her activity books, and returned.

“Uh…yeah, sure.” He replied.

Other kids ran up with their activity books and sticker pages insisting the same. Before long, his whole arm was surrounded by strawberries, cats, big eyed Disney cartoons, dinosaurs, and glittery planets (one of the kids was going through a space phase). One boy laughed a little, but they all admired him.

The first little girl said, “it makes your arm even prettier!”

Pretty? Huh…he never thought of it that way…

“Thank you- what do you think, Y/N?” Bucky asked, turning to you.

You smiled at it.

“It does make your arm look pretty, Bucky!” you confirmed with a nod of your head.

READER’s POV

Oh gah, there was something different about the way he was looking at you- what were you to do? Why did it make you feel those things? No- nonononono. You had to focus. You had to survive this day. Your stomach was grumbling and the cheese and crackers you stuffed in your mouth were digested already. How long until the meal and presents so you could make the quickest exit out?

The doorbell rang and you felt your cup shake in your hands.

“Come in, Bobby!” your mom greeted cheerfully.

Dang it, why can’t it just be family and not his stupid face? You cursed silently.

There was a sudden swing of the door and Bobby was there, the guy your parents wanted you to be with. Ugh, Bobby may be an engineer with money and an apparent obsession with a version of you, but he looked and acted the exact opposite of your type. And the fact your parents wouldn’t stop singing his praises even though Bobby quietly engaged your fight or flight response immediately.

“Hey there! What’s up! Merry…” Bobby’s stupid, obnoxious voice was cut off at the sight of a certain handsome, well-built man with short dark hair and a metal arm.

“And who exactly are you?” Bobby asked with fake politeness.

You stood up, downing the rest of your drink, and smiling wickedly.

“Oh, you haven’t met my boyfriend yet!” you exclaimed, putting an emphasis on the last word.

Bobby’s lips tightened. You walked forward to Bucky.

“Here is the best boyfriend in the world- Bucky Barnes!”

You threw your arms around him and gave him a peck on the cheek and Bucky smiled. Just enough for Bobby to nod in frustrated respect and defeated acknowledgement.

“I brought green bean casserole…” he said, lifting the red dish with tinfoil over the cover.

“Oh, good! Take it to the kitchen!” Bucky insisted, gesturing there.

Bobby stomped away. He only stayed twenty minutes to drink a soda, drop off two lumpy Christmas presents, and chat around. He then said he had a bad stomachache and left.  Bucky looked at you and you gave him a small wink. From behind, you gave him a small high five.

BUCKY’S POV

Since that asshole had left, you were practically glowing. You were smiling- huh, what a smile. Bucky thought. It made his stomach flutter when you smiled. And you were laughing too among your cousins. Not that fake laugh to flatter someone’s bland joke. No, this was real, happy, belly laughter. Your laughter, your voice. It had been in his head. Bucky spent Christmas Eve secretly counting down the hours until this. Yes, it was a test and charade. But it meant…he could spend more time with you.

What was this? Obsession? Lonleiness? Or maybe…maybe it was…

“Hey Bucky!” your dad called out.

Then your dad approached Bucky as he shook away the thoughts from his head, back to Planet Earth. The dad placed a hand on his shoulder and began to speak.

“You know…when the time comes for Y/N’s birthday or if you stick around for next Christmas…could you help me find a right Christmas gift for her?”

“Him” Bucky corrected.

He sighed and shook his head but then took in another inhale.

“I mean, a gift for him.”

Bucky shrugged. “Of course!”

Suddenly, there was aloud, shrill beep from the kitchen timer. He heard your mothers voice ring out just like the Church bells would in Brooklyn on that snowy, holiday morning.

“Dinner’s ready! Wash your hands and get plates, everyone!”

READER’S POV

There was a lack of ham on your plate. Ham was your favorite thing to eat on Christmas and apparently it was everyone else’s. When you finally reached it, there wasn’t that many left. But your parents knew there would be a multitude and so a second ham was placed in the oven to bake. After eating your pitiful slice and enjoying some side dishes, you could get some more.

“Is there anything I could do for you?” your aunt Lydia asked.

She was standing up and eyeing everyone else’s plates.

“Oh yeah- I got my fill of Mac and Cheese, but I’d like some of the ham, please,” you asked.

There was the sound of the mixer like a power drill and then it paused.

“What?” You heard your mom from the kitchen. Her apron was splattered with the cookie batter she was mixing.

Aunt Lydia went over to the corner, the threshold of dining room and kitchen, cupping her mouth.

“Hey! Y/N just said she wants some ham!!”

Your lips went tight, and you placed both hands on your green plastic cup, face lowering down. Your shoulders bunched up to your ears. You wished you were a tortoise and had a shell to vanish inside.

Bucky stood up and walked to the aunt, hands in his pocket.

You perked your head out of your cup. Bucky gave a quiet, angry look. Maybe the Winter Soldier was never truly gone after all, you thought.

“He wants some ham,” he corrected her.

“HE wants some ham,” your aunt repeated with a little sigh.

“Thank you, there you go!” Bucky said, even giving a little bow.

He walked over to you.

“Thank you, you see, it’s so awkward and I hate it…” you whispered.

“Anytime.”

“She always makes me feel like less of a man…” you confessed into his ear.

He took your hand with his own flesh one and squeezed it.

“Listen, you are a man. No one can take that, okay? I don’t see some faker in front of me- I see a real, genuine man. So why can’t you see that in yourself too?” he whispered.

“Okay…” you whispered back.

When you realized eyes were on you both again, but blinking in ignorance of what was said, you gave Bucky another peck on the cheek and returned to your seats.

You finally got your ham helping. All was going smoothly even when it was time for dessert.

“Dear, would you like some cheesecake?” Bucky asked loud enough for any relative to hear.

“Sure thing, love!” you answered with a practiced smile.

Once he gathered a plate with cheesecake on it, as well as a plate for you, everyone’s head at the table was turned towards the two of you. The other twenty side conversations were dropped.

“Oh, so you’re the Prince Charming, eh?” an uncle asked.

In the back, one could hear your mom turning on the Christmas Playlist but adjusting the volume so it wouldn’t overpower any conversations.

“Yes, I am!” he said plainly.

“How did you two meet?” your father asked.

“Uh…it was…” Bucky began, he squinted his eyes and scratched the back of his head.

“We met at a bar. Bucky’s good friend is Captain America right now and there was a segment on him on the tv. So, I bought him a drink and asked him more and then next thing I knew, we were dating!” you piped in quickly.

That was all true. It was nerve wracking how Bucky would take your new gender and new identity. Especially concerning the truth of what time period he actually came from. But you had struck gold. He managed to let you talk and explain it, and always referred to you as who you were.

Maybe he would really be like that if we were really dat-

The thought made you pause before you could swallow your bite.

No, no, noononononono! You thought. Get that thought out of your head now Y/N! You got to focus! You got to make it through to the end!

“So you really know Captain America!?” an aunt asked excitedly.

“Both of them. Don’t want to talk about the middle one. Long story short, John Walker wasn’t a good guy.” Bucky explained.

“But that’s so cool! Both Steve Rogers and now Sam! What are they like?” a cousin asked.

You scooped up some of the caramel drizzle on your plate with the edge of your fork.

“They’re both the bravest men I know,” Bucky answered.

“And how did you meet Steve?”

He froze a little, his forkful of cheesecake still down on his plate, yet to be eaten. Bucky’s face became paler, and his jaw hung in mid-air.

“Uh-“

“Brooklyn, wasn’t it?! You were in Brooklyn when you met him!” you said quickly.

Again, not a lie. Just certain details had to be censored.

“Yes, I was in Brooklyn when I met Steve!” Bucky agreed, playing along.

“You’re so lucky, always wanted to see New York City! Just must pick the right time when it isn’t being attacked by something…” another cousin sighed.

Then the Playlist switched to some instrumental. It began dreamily with some bells playing a twinkly tune. And then a jazzy melody was picked up by some horns and a female singer. Bucky perked up.

“Hey! That’s ‘Santa, Bring My Mommy Back To Me!’” he commented excitedly.

“Really, you know that one?” your mom asked.

“Yeah, I remember I heard it when it first came-“

Your eyes went big, and you whipped your head, dipping into a fake cough to interrupt it. Then you turned to him with a stiff, forced smile as a warning. Bucky stopped himself from blowing his cover.

“You heard the record, right?” you corrected.

“Uh yeah, my mom bought a record and would play it at Christmas,” he confirmed.

If there was a dime for every half-lie you told at desert, you were on your way to becoming rich.

“My Bucky here loves all the oldies. Just like his parents did. It’s so relaxing to listen to!” you boasted, patting his back.

“Well, I like some oldies too! They bring such a nice, classy feeling to every event!” your mom agreed.

You let out a steady exhale through your nose. Bucky bit into his cheesecake.

BUCKY’S POV:

“Can we pleeeeease open our presents now!!!!” one kid begged, hopping up and down in his chair.

“Oh, alright! C’mon everyone- let’s open some presents!” your dad invited, throwing his arms up.

The kids cheered and ran over there. Adults cleared their plates and followed them right after. There was much violent delight in kids squealing and ripping open papers. Even that innocent greed flashed in the eyes of all the adults. Present by present under the tree was passed around and opened. Some to enthusiasm, some with just a polite smile. You and Bucky sat on the couch, holding hands when you weren’t opening a gift.

Your parents then reached and got a red and white box with a bow under the tree.

“Here Bucky…we don’t know you well yet, so it was hard to pick a gift but…we hope you like it!” your dad wished.

Bucky blinked and then opened the gift. How long had it been since he had an actual gift given to him? As he opened the little green bag and looked inside, he saw it was a bunch of new socks his size, a wad of cash, and a little bag full of homemade cookies.

“We know it’s not much, but-“

He waved his hand, shaking his head.

“No, it’s not! It’s perfect! Thank you!”

Your parents both smiled warmly at him.

It struck him. This was just as comfortable as he could be with Sam and his family. He felt safe. Very safe. Too safe in fact.

Once you let go to hand out your gifts to your family, you realized Bucky felt incredibly warm he felt, head to toe. You were a foot away, but he already missed you.

READER’S POV:

Goodbyes were said, empty dishes and presents collected and stuffed into the car, and as you turned the key, you drove back to your place. Once you both walked inside and set all the stuff down, you let out a big sigh and laugh.

“Holy shit, that was something! But I could use some hot chocolate after that- want some, Bucky?” you offered.

“Of course,” he replied.

 You poured milk into a stove and turned it on to medium.

“They’re nice, but your Aunt Lydia is…something else” he commented.

“You can say she’s a bitch, Buck.” You confessed.

“Alright- she’s a bitch!” he said with a shrug.

That did make you laugh. Despite his sad past, so much about him made you…just smile and laugh. Naturally.

You returned with two steaming mugs and turned on a Holiday movie you liked and could watch while it was still the season (only six more hours to go!).

“Well, thought I would need this earlier- let’s not waste it,” Bucky said,

He reached into the pocket of his pants and got out a mini size bottle of vodka, dumping it into his mug. Apparently, you could take the Super Soldier from Russia, but you couldn’t take Russia from the Super Soldier.

Both of you clinked your mugs and took the first drink.

“Wait a minute…Bucky! Your arm!” you pointed and let out a laugh.

As Bucky looked down, he realized that he had forgotten that the stickers were still on there. As the movie played on and your laughter cooled down, you peeled it off of him, one by one, and tossed them aside.

“By the way…Y/N, are you doing anything on New Year’s?” he asked.

“Eve or day?” you asked.

“Doesn’t matter,” he replied.

You put a hand around the handle and another on the mug to feel the warmth.

“New Year’s Eve, my family usually throws a party…” you answered.

“Then let’s go! We can fake this again- it’s not too bad! It’s kind of fun, this danger of being caught. We’ll survive it!” he suggested.

You shook your head.

“No, no not really!”

“Why?” Bucky asked.

“It’s not that you’re a good fake date- it’s that…I…I’m busy…” you told him.

He took a larger drink of it. His face was turning a bit pink from the warmth. The movie blared on as a familiar carol was being played in its score.

“Oh…what do you have?” he asked.

You set your mug down and rubbed your hands together slowly.

“It’s…it’s uh…I’ve been planning this for months and I finally got the money to…I’m getting top surgery New Year’s Day,” you confessed.

“WHAT? Why didn’t you tell me?!”

“I wasn’t sure it goes through! And a million things can go wrong in the surgery and I didn’t want to make anyone too unrealistically hopeful- least of all myself! And I have a right not to tell you every last bit about my life!” you protested.

It’s not like we’re dating or anything…yet why did that thought make you sad?

“So yeah- super occupied! And I gotta get ready for life after, it’s gonna be tough…

“Oh, I just thought…

‘Thought what?”

“Thought you’d need a fake date again,”

You shook your head.

“No, not really…not any other upcoming things I can think of. But I’ll let you know..”

“Alright by me” he said, taking a bug gulp of his spiked hot chocolate.

Something was boiling, bursting inside him. He set the hot chocolate down.

“I need to go outside…”

“You can, Buck,” you replied.

Buck, Buck- Buck. Buck! His name getting shorter, smaller...cuter. As if James was too much and now Bucky was too much. Making it smaller, smaller-smaller to where he could only be held and embraced not as a lion but as a kitten. It was too much for him to bear. He stormed outside.

You sat there. Your stomach churning. He wasn’t a smoker. And your apartment didn’t feel stuffy at all. No, something was up- you put on your coat and followed him out.

Right as you opened the door, you noticed that it was dark now. Outside, there was a steadfast snow. No gusts were blasting it into your face, it was gentle. A lot, but gentle. You saw that Bucky had walked outside enough to where you could see his footsteps and saw the top of his head was covered in snowflakes.

“Bucky…Bucky, please!” you called out.

He turned to you, his face was red but his eyes were soft.

“What…what is it…”

You wanted to hear him say it.

“I…I feel…”

“What do you feel?”

“Mad!”

“Why mad, what have I done?”

“Nothing! No! I guess-just…I’m frustrated, that’s all.”

“Why…what’s making your frustrated?”

You felt as if the floor would give out from beneath you. He walked closer to you, blinking a little. He brushed the snowflakes from your hair.

No, it couldn’t be…were you being too hopeful…

“Do you know what about your surgery makes me frustrated? The fact that you hid it from me? IT’s not that you hid it at all…it’s just it means so much to you. That I’m not…not special enough that…you can’t even trust me with it…”

He paused, swallowing.

“I don’t want to sit on the sides as you go  through this- I want to be there with you!”

Your breath was knocked out of you. You felt the snow fall on your head, the arms of your coat, your eyelashes, like small, gentle kisses from the sky. Yet you didn’t dare let your eyes leave his.

“Why? Is it because…because…” your voice trailed off, getting quieter and quieter.

“It’s because…I want to be a part of your life, Y/N. I want to be there for you, for all the moments…that’s why…that’s why I asked about your family…that’s why I agreed to pretend to be with you, why I wanted to do it again…”

“Because you really do want to be my boyfriend?” you asked.

He was still, his eyes still blinking.

“I…uh…uhm…yes. Yes, I do.”

You opened your hand, offering it. With both- flesh and metal- he took yours.

“Then…let’s be boyfriends. For real.”

“Okay…”

“But one thing you gotta do- my arms are gonna hurt like a bitch after this top surgery. You’ll have to take me to the hospital and help me out once I get out. It’s four weeks of recovery and it’s intense. Do you promise?”

“Absolutely, babe.”

“I like hearing you call me that.”

“I like saying it.”

You leaned in to kiss each other right as another draft of snow fell on your heads.

[theskywaslookingback]

if you dont mind talking about it, do you identify as an asexual lesbian now or aroace? both?

I don’t mind talking about it.

The short answer is that I identify as queer.

The long answer is that I have complicated feelings in regards to my own sexuality and gender.

Some days I’m pretty comfortable with calling myself a lesbian because I’m majority female presenting and I don’t feel much dysphoria about being perceived as a girl (most of the time) so it’s comfortable. Some days I don’t feel comfortable with calling myself a lesbian because I don’t know if I have any actual attraction to speak of, either romantic or sexual. Some days I don’t feel comfortable calling myself a lesbian because I don’t feel like a girl (I know non-binary lesbians exist and are valid, this is a very personal complication, not how I view others). Some days I only prefer asexual, because I’m pretty sure that’s the most correct. Some days I wonder if I’m actually demisexual, or gray ace, because while I wasn’t clamoring for sex I also didn’t really hate it either. Some days I know I don’t want anyone or anything at all to touch me. I never want to call myself aromantic because I’m worried it will make me broken (again, personal, not universal). Some days I think I might be bi because I’ll think a man is pretty. Some days I wonder if I might be a gay trans man or gay and agender or gay and non-binary.

The long answer is, I don’t know. How I identify could change from one day, or even one hour, to the next. If you asked me tomorrow I might even have a different answer for you.

So, both? All? None of the above. Not allosexual, I’m pretty sure. Not cis, I think. Maybe aro. Maybe sapphic. Maybe gay.

Definitely queer.

[bts-trans]

221203 Big Hit’s Tweet

[네이버 포스트] 킹왕짱대왕 얼굴천재 진떤남자 사진 푼다... (@ https://naver.me/5T335Mtc)

#BTS #방탄소년단 #Jin #김석진

[Naver Post] The kingkingbestsuperking face-genius Jin’s photos are being served up… (@https://naver.me/5T335Mtc) #BTS #Jin #KimSeokjin

Naver Post Translation

Keep reading for a plain text version of the blog post! For a picture edit version, please check out our twitter post or the HD version on our website!

Title: [BTS] Me, Myself, and 진 비하인드 포스트                         

Title: [BTS] Me, Myself, and Jin Behind Post

아-하!

Hi-A!

(T/N: Stands for ‘Hi ARMY’, which is how Bangbell always starts these posts.)

안녕하세요 아미들,,! 방림이가 돌아왔습니다,, 후후,, 이번 포스트는 바로바로! 12월 Special 8 Photo-Folio의 주인공 중 한명이죠! Me, Myself, and Jin ‘Sea of JIN island’ 의 비하인드 포스트로 찾아왔는데요!

Hi ARMYs,,! I’m back,, huhu,, For this post! It is one of the stars of December’s Special 8 Photo-Folio! I’m back with the post of

Me, Myself, and Jin ‘Sea of JIN island’!

배에서 촬영하는 멋들어진 모습부터 아미들이 궁금했을 슈퍼참치 비하인드 사진까지 가득 담아왔으니 바로 확인하러 가자구요!

It’s filled with pictures of his handsome figure taken on a boat and  behind-the-scenes pictures from Super Tuna that ARMYs were curious about So let’s go check them out!

평소 낚시를 좋아하는 진만의 취향을 듬뿍! 담아 표현했다고 하는데요! 낚시하러 가면.. 이 사람 만날 수 있나요..? 제가 급해서 그래요.. 참치고 갈치고 뭐든 퍼주고 싶어.. 지금 당장 기차 표 예약해 (??)

Jin, who normally enjoys fishing, expressed a lot! of his own unique taste! If I go fishing..will I be able to meet this person..? I’m just so impatient.. Tuna, hairtail, I want to give everything to you.. I’m booking my train ticket right now (??)

낮과 밤을 가리지 않고 잘생긴 기분이 어떤지 궁금하다 (진지)

I wonder how it feels to be this handsome whether it’s day or night (I’m serious)

이런 선장님 있으면 시급 0원 받아도 열심히 일할텐데… 얼굴만 봐도 배멀미가 자동으로 치유될 것 같은 이 느낌 아미들은 몬지 rgrg..

If I had a captain like this I’d work hard even for an hourly wage of 0 won… It’s like my boat sickness would automatically be cured just by looking at his face ARMYs know what I’m talking about right..

얼굴 …. 진짜,, W O W…..

His face …. So,, W O W…..

바다에 있는 생물들도 이 얼굴 보고 싶어서 자동으로 잡혀 올라올 듯.. 아무튼 맞음 일단 방림이가 먼저 잡힐게

It’s like even the creatures in the sea want to see his face, so they’ll just automatically be caught and brought up.. Anyways that’s right First, Bangbell will be the first to be caught

얼굴 갭차이 레전드 세상 해맑은 왕귀염둥이 였다가 갑자기 배 안에서 드라마 찍는 남자주인공 되어버림

The difference in his facial expressions is legendary He’s the world’s brightest cutie pie Then all of a sudden he becomes the leading male in a drama filmed on a boat

방림이가 참치역으로 주인공 하면 안 될까 (안됨)

Can Bangbell be the other main character who’s a tuna (No way)

참치 수확 뒤 그리는 참치.jpg feat.상어로 쓴거마저 귀여워..

Drawing tuna after harvesting tuna.jpg Even the feat. a shark that he wrote is cute..

김석진

왕귀염둥이 (쩌렁쩌렁)

Kim Seokjin

A cutie pie (yelling)

공연 다음날 슈퍼참치 안무 영상까지 찍는 그는.. 참치에 이렇게나 진심이다..! (방림이도 진심임)

He’s filming the choreography video for Super Tuna the day after the concert He’s this passionate about tuna..! (Bangbell is also passionate)

촬영 후에 모니터링도 꼼꼼히 해줘야 하고요!

After filming he has to diligently rewatch it!

아미들! 참치와 낚시에 진심인 모습들 잘 보셨나요?! 이 외에 다양한 모습들은 Special 8 Photo-Folio Me, Myself, and Jin ‘Sea of JIN island’ 포토북에서 만나볼 수 있으니 많. 관. 부!

ARMYs! Did you enjoy seeing how passionate he is about tuna and fishing?! Along with all of this you can see more in the Special 8 Photo-Folio Me, Myself, and Jin ‘Sea of JIN island’ photobook so S. Y. L*!

(T/N: *Stands for Show Your Love)

방림이의 스포가 오늘도 아미들에게 힘이 됐길 바라며 방림이는 또 찾아올게요! 아미들 감기 조심!

I hope Bangbell’s spoilers give ARMYs lots of energy today as well and I’ll come back soon! ARMYs, be careful not to catch a cold!

아-뿅!

A-Poof!

(T/N: Short for “Bye ARMY! Poof!”, which is how Bangbell always ends these posts.)

[Note]

본 포스트는 BIGHIT MUSIC에서 직접 운영하는 포스트입니다.

This Naver Post account is personally run by BIGHIT MUSIC.

[End Note]

Trans cr; Annie & Ali @ bts-trans 
Typeset cr; Chika @ bts-trans © TAKE OUT WITH FULL CREDITS

[washipink]

Rain by Jocelyn Samara D Year 1: 2010-2011

erSo I recently found out that 1 year ago, a comic that was INCREDIBLY important to me as a trans middle schooler who went to catholic school had wrapped up. This year, I’ve decided I’m going to read through and review Rain by Jocelyn Samara, 1 year of the comic’s run at a time. First up: Year 1, which covers Chapter 1 (The New Girl) through Chapter 6 (Fallen Angel). I’ll be summarizing the story and characters for those unfamiliar, so feel free to follow along.

There’s a LONG-ASS post under that read more. If you have any experience with the comic or enjoy the post, please talk about it with me. It’ll be a good time.

Year 1 Summary

The star of the show is Rain, a transgender 17 year old girl who moved in with her Aunt Fara after her mother’s death. It starts on the first day of her senior year of high school, the first time she’s ever tried to pass as female in front of... anyone???

Based on some of the language used in the character bios, I should be very clear that this comic is from 2010 and written by a trans woman who is most likely older than most of my followers. There may be language used that you personally don’t agree with. I’m not a fan of being called transsexual myself, but there’s nothing wrong with saying it.

Anyway, the basic gist is that Rain passes EXCELLENTLY and attracts a lot of attention from her male classmates, much to her dismay.

But the men aren’t the only people with their eyes on Rain. Lesbian classmate, Maria and her fake boyfriend, Gavin make a bet of 5 United States Dollars out of who can talk to Rain first.

Here’s the rub: During Role, Gavin seems to recognize Rain’s last name. It’s the same as his childhood best friend, Ryan. Gavin and Maria then banter a little bit, jokingly saying “what if that IS Ryan? could ya believe that?”

Little do they know...

One thing about Rain is that its cast of characters is by no means infallible. Even characters that I came to love, like Maria, are kind of insensitive. Just about no one in this cast has ever MET a trans person in their lives prior to Rain. It’s very true to life in that way. You meet a lot of people that are ignorant or accidentally insensitive. And sometimes, they learn to stick up for you.

The realistic portrayal of how trans teens can be treated by other teens is one of my FAVORITE things about Rain.

Anyway, Gavin brings up Ryan Falherty to Rain, which causes her to panic and run away.

And Crash Directly into the fifth member of our main cast, RUDY!!!!

A rather gossipy gay boy that sees up Rain’s skirt and thinks she’s just a REALLY brave gay dude. He tells Gavin and Maria pretty much right away and Gavin does not take it well. The majority of Year 1 is spent on Gavin and Rain repairing their strained friendship after years apart from one another. That begins here, with Gavin confronting Rain about her identity.

Gavin’s super upset about the whole deal, but Maria and Rudy are some of Rain’s biggest shooters going forward. Even if they can ask a LOT of invasive questions.

If I’m being completely honest, there’s no MAJOR developments in Chapter 2. Fara gets a call from Rain’s older Sister about how their older Brother hasn’t talked to either of them in forever. This lays a few seeds for later events, but it is PRETTY unimportant for a while. There’s some really good emotional dialogue in it though.

In Chapter 3, Rudy’s meddling directly causes Rain and Gavin to reconcile. They have a discussion about how the reason she never told him was just that she was scared to lose her only friend.

MEANWHILE, in an attempt to make some actual friends, Fara reaches out to her neighbors and meets Ky(lie) and Heather Coven, a Gender Ambiguous Teen who goes to a different high school and her less approving older sister.

Kylie, also known as Ky, swaps gender presentations incredibly frequently, not really showing any bias for one or the other. So do not expect me to be consistent with their pronouns. Their gender is kinda messy. Almost like he’s some kind of... real person with a real life gender. Crazy.

Anyway, Fara invites them over and she and Heather get drunk, which means she can’t pick up Rain from the mall. Rain needs a place to sleep that night and Gavin invites her to stay with him.

This begins Chapter 4, in which Gavin and Rain realize that things may be different from when they were kids... but there’s a lot that hasn’t changed. Gavin remarks about how much more feminine Rain is than when she was a kid and how that’s WEIRD for him... but they end up playing a game from their childhood pretty much all night. It reminds them of all the good times and ignites within them the hope that they can have MORE good times going forward.

As an adult with friends I’ve had on-and-off relationships to, this speaks to me way more powerfully than ever before. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

The next day, during her hangover, Fara sees Rain’s older brother on an ad for a dating website with his new fiance.

And on the way back to her apartment, Rain meets Ky for the first time. Neither one of them is aware that the other one has ANY kind of Gender going on and they won’t be for quite some time.

The chapter ends with Aunt Fara telling Rain about what happened with Aiken.

Chapter 5 is a simple one, Popular prep girl, Emily is giving out invitations to a Halloween party for her “perfect senior year”

Everyone but Rudy gets one, which causes Maria to give Emily a talking to. She assures Maria that he wasn’t intentionally excluded and it definitely wasn’t because he’s the only openly gay student in the whole school.

Oh, also a dude beats Rudy up for that exact reason, earning Maria’s fury later on. Rain invites Ky to come with the rest of them to the party.

Like I said, pretty simple chapter.

The last chapter of year 1 is Chapter 6: Fallen Angel.

Everyone is showing off their Halloween costumes before they leave for the party. Rudy’s reads as a bit insensitive to rain, as he goes as.... a high school girl.

We’ve all heard this one, right? young queer person that wants to toy with their gender expression uses a Halloween costume as an excuse? It can hit different watching your friend do this when you’re a stealth trans person and especially when you’re one as self-conscious as Rain.

When they reach the address for the party, they find out that Emily... has an older Boyfriend. Like, a WAY older boyfriend. Who lets all these literal teenaged children drink at a party in HIS HOUSE.

also he’s dressed as the devil in case you needed any more signals he was BAD NEWS.

This sounds like a good time for an aside: Fara is on a date with someone she met online. He works at a manga translator and offers to get Rain a meeting with her favorite mangaka.

Meanwhile, at the party, Chase seems to recognize Rain from somewhere. What could this mean?

Anyway, remember how I mentioned the underage drinking? Yeah, Rudy is HELLA drunk. And the results are not pretty.

The whole school sees this and is... BAFFLED. Because of course, Rudy is gay. how could he kiss a girl? Did he do it because he was dressed as a girl? Was it the alcohol? was RAIN Gay? Who knows?

The chapter ends on Rain riding home in tears.

Thus ends the first year of Rain.

Art

Ok, let’s talk about the elephant in the room. This art is... not too impressive. Every character looks like they jumped out of a How to Draw Manga book and Rain’s design is VERY 2010. Backgrounds are infrequent and many panels feature just 2 characters next to each other against a flat color.

But I think that’s okay. While the visual design of Rain is not immaculate, it’s certainly passable. Samara had a story to tell and she didn’t let her art hold her back. She just took pen to paper and let it go. As the comic goes along, you can tell she’s trying different things and experimenting with drawing a variety of poses. That said, the art style never really changes at all during the comic’s run.

Pure Unfiltered Story Opinions

Rain was one of the first real queer stories I’d gotten a chance to read. At the ripe, young age of 12, every word of it was unreal to me. A girl like me made REAL friends in spite of it all and got to be who she was. And now, reading it again, it really holds up.

Rain has a depiction of queer friendships that’s very true to a lot of peoples’ lived experience. Not everyone GETS each other, but they try. Sometimes, they ask a stupid-ass question. Sometimes, you get into fights. 

Also, sometimes people in your high school get prayed upon by creepy weirdos in their late 20s who think they can get easy tail from CHILDREN. (Trust, people. This gets addressed. This is NOT a fucking glorification and if anyone in the notes says it is, they’re blocked.)

I look forward to seeing where the comic goes from here and I hope you’re ready to take that journey with me.

[strikersexhaver]

Alright, I’ll bite. How about both sfw and nsfw headcannons for Striker dating a trans masc AFAB with autism and ADHD, and who often struggles with anxiety, gender dysphoria and sometimes dissociation? (If it helps to know, I often cope through stimming with rubbing soft/smooth textures and with pressure stims such as hugs/squeezes and weighted blankets). Make it as long or as short you need to, anything that you can come up with for Striker dealing with/reacting to these things I’d be interested in reading. (For the sake of my own comfort though, say I have top surgery, refer to the naughty bits as a cock/dick, and only use he/him pronouns for the reader) I hope this isn’t too much to ask!

Also…god damn I am addicted to this man’s voice and I wish he could just vibrate my entire body with his rumbles and snake sounds gkdnfkdndn

To be fair… Me too, me too 😭😭… I love his voice, both voices are amazing to me. And also sure, I can do this! I have autism so I can put some firsthand experience in here as well !! Plus, my brother is trans, I used to take care of him during his transition.

CW for NSFW under the ‘read more’ cut!

Personally, Striker didn’t think or care much about you being trans.

Don’t get him wrong- he supports and loves you but he doesn’t really care about gender. He mostly sees you for you, and your strength-

He does respect the courage of coming out, or being bold with it since-

In Hell there’s more than a just a little amount of assholes lurking around.

He’ll be right by your side if you ever wanted him to fight for you or deal with dipshits.

Back on track though, he would help you in transitioning if you asked- via HRT shots, helping you afford the surgeries required to make you feel comfortable in your own body.

When he sees how you looked like when everything healed, he’ll say you’re sexier than ever.

(If you were an imp, he’d help paint your horns to be the more thick black and white lines like other men imp, if you wanted that of course)

Now as for relating to things like autism and ADHD, you’d have to explain a lot to him. Because I highly doubt Hell has a good educational system about mental health.

He enjoys hearing you talk, about this or fixations little or larger ones like hyper-fixations. He likes your voice, regardless of how it may be.

(Also- if you stopped wanting to take HRT for a while and you had a voice drop, he’d be mad confused)

But for other things such as flooding, he’d try to calm you down in the best way he could without stimulating you further.

As for meltdowns, he doesn’t know how to deal with them. He really does not, so he gives you space. At least on the first time, if it bothered you and you came to him on what to do when it happened again, he’d listen.

He’s not going to be the best, but he’s never gonna lay a hand on you during this state.

Speaking of, if you had certain sensory issues with touch- he’d be mindful to check to see if you’re up for physical contact.

He will mess up, sometimes forgetting entirely, but that’s only after a long day of killing and shooting.

He’d learn how to not just tap your shoulder for your attention, like waving a hand in front of you or tapping the table you were sitting at or anything really.

If you had certain tastes in exact textures or clothes that’d make you more comfortable, he’d try getting a few to make you feel better- same for weighted blankets once he learns of them.

He’s not afraid to steal for you if you needed it-

As for sound related issues, if for example you had an issue with metal scraping metal. He’d take you to a different area. If it was from him, he’d take it somewhere else where you cannot hear.

To be honest, if you brought it up saying you wished you had something to shut things out or turn out the noise.

He’d absolutely- 100% get you noise cancelling headphones, if they were expensive- fuck it, he’ll steal it- he’s not above murder so why would he be above stealing? He lives to see that joyful smile on your face- even if it’s for a brief second before you return to your resting face.

He knows you loved it, it boosts his ego and gives him a serotonin boost.

As for anxiety, if it was social anxiety and you didn’t like speaking up to others- this mf will do it for you, he has no problem, he loves talking.

Now to NSFW, Striker he still loves talking- not as much, but if you’re into it you’ll be hearing a lot of praise.

He’ll give masculine nicknames like ‘Good boy~’ if you were into that, if not he’ll stop.

But knowing firstly knowing his voice, you don’t and probably won’t tell him to stop.

Also- speaking of stopping, previously going to back to boundaries. He’d ask you firmly what you did not want him to do or not, gender-related or not.

He’ll experiment with you, trying to see if you’d prefer being a top or a bottom. Because some people prefer having roles that suit / fit their gender identity.

(A/N at least from my perspective, some people do! Not everyone ofc)

(Striker will always try to be the dom though- regardless-)

(A/N) Hope it was good! Please let me know how it is, I’m always open to critique and sorry the NSFW part was so short I simply couldn’t think of much! I’m not trans (depending on how you see nb people DJSNHA) well- ftm, but if I did or said anything wrong or wrote anything wrong let me know!

Also, requests are open!