#like when i was younger those kinds of people put me off posting my own stuff because of how self important and condescending they were

[the-casbah-way]

the ego trip some fic writers are on makes me want to die like girl some real world perspective would be a game changer here

[reiniesainyo]

IN BETWEEN. charlie bushnell x reader – 05

05 | LOGICAL previous | next | masterfile

SYNPOSIS. when a girl's co-star is good to her and now she wants it more than everything in between. (smau)

A/N. not feeling too well but... here's the episode

HOST "What's up, everyone! Welcome back to the Fangirlpedia Podcast, where we fangirls get to live out our dreams and fill out a Wikipedia for all the fangirls out there!"

HOST "I've been a fan of PJO since i was a kid, I was 15 when the first books came out and now, my daughter, who's 12 gets to watch the TV show. So it really is a dream come true and such a pleasure to be here today with the cast of Disney+'s Percy Jackson and the Olympians!"

HOST "With that, I think it's the proper time to introduce our dear guests for today."

WALKER "I'm Walker Scobell, I play Percy Jackson."

LEAH "I'm Leah Sava Jeffries and I play Annabeth Chase."

CHARLIE "I'm Charlie Bushnell and I'm the actor for Luke Castellan."

YN "And I'm YN LN and I'm the actress for Rina Velasco."

HOST "What song would you associate with your character?"

YN "For me, I Bet on Losing Dogs by Mitski"

YN "Rina is a very calculated character, she's not like Annabeth in the sense that it's just logic and facts. I think she's calculated in the fact that she's a very thoughtful person, and so I think it's interesting that her fatal flaw would be her faith and her trust— which, from face value completely contrasts her as a character. Like why does this person who thinks everything through have such childlike trust? Well, she is a child."

YN "The reason I chose this really lies in Luke, her first love, and the fact that her oblivious trust is most blatant in her relationship with him. Luke is the losing dog that all her logic tells her is losing but she still bets on him every time. He proves to her time and time again that he's put himself on this path and yet she foolishly believes every time that he can come back. I think in a way, she's aware of the fact that it's a foolish endeavor and yet pursues it anyway because she still believes there's some goodness in Luke despite him proving to her otherwise."

HOST "If YN's song for Rina is I Bet on Losing Dogs by Mitski, what would your song be, Charlie?"

CHARLIE "I think I've mentioned somewhere else that the song I used to really like use as my go-to was Swan Lake, Op. 20, Act 2? Yeah I think that's the right title. It really got me in the mood. But there's a different song that I think represents Luke."

HOST "Oh and what would that song be?"

CHARLIE "Probably.... Silver Springs yeah Silver Springs - Fleetwood Mac. It's a popular song with editors. But like, I see Luke in it because it's kind of like... that's his relationship with all the people he loves. 'Time casts it spell on you, but you won't forget me. I know I could've loved you, but you would not let me.' Those lyrics for me are really what Luke's relationship with people are like, especially post-betrayal. I think the people he love stays on his mind constantly."

CHARLIE "There's this one line 'You'll never get away from the sound of a woman that loves you'. And I think every woman in his life is the same, Annabeth, his mom, Tahlia, and Rina especially. They all love him in their own way and the fact that like you know, they love him will haunt him with every decision he makes."

HOST "Even before filming, what were the vibes from everyone?"

CHARLIE "A lot of people assume that the hardest thing is filming- which is hard but like the stuff that happens before like table reads and chemistry tests were so nerve-wracking too."

YN "You'll hear from Leah and Walker that the chemistry read was so happy and fun— Leah just got to flirt with Walker for like an hour. Good for the younger kids, meanwhile me and Charlie were out here sobbing and fighting."

WALKER "Huh? What?!"

LEAH "You never told us this."

CHARLIE "Really? We didn't"

YN "Well, for Charlie and I's chemistry read, yeah it started off with playful banter then not even two scenes later, I was arguing with Luke in a forest about him stealing the master bolt."

CHARLIE "I mean I was like begging her to stay and everything— Did I get on my knees? I remember getting on my knees."

YN "Oh my gosh yeah... he got on his knees while begging to Rina it was crazy. The chemistry they wanted from us was ... definitely passionate. It was a very specific type of chemistry."

CHARLIE "Didn't they have us— Oh spoilers if you haven't seen the last book, anyways Luke dies and they were like 'So I want you to pretend like you're dying and now you see him and you're mourning his death'"

YN "Yeah and it was like 'I'm not sure if I'll make it to Elesium...' 'I don't think anyone else would be more worthy.' and then bro just straight up died!"

WALKER "WHAT TYPE OF CHEMISTRY READ IS THIS???"

CHARLIE "Deadly chemistry. I think one of us started crying."

YN "We were giving... Shakespeare."

HOST "What were your guys' reaction after getting the role? I think most have heard about the rest of you guys but YN's casting has been a matter of secret for a little bit."

YN "Oh my god I was elated, I was finally employed!"

CHARLIE "Biggest TV show of the year and your reaction is 'I'm employed'?"

YN "Hey don't judge! I love PJO and I love the series so so so much but honestly, after doing Miss Saigon's revival and then going into first year of college in NYU I was kind of panicking because 1) I wanted to do something and 2) I had no idea what to do. Like I knew I wanted to act but I wanted to try something different and honestly, I haven't gotten any good callbacks in a long time. So I mean when I sent it in, I didn't think anything would happen but it did and I was like 'Oh my god, I'm employed, I can earn money'."

CHARLIE "A bit weird but wouldn't have it any other way."

YN "You know, Charlie, next time you can just say something nice."

CHARLIE "Then our rela- friendship wouldn't be as fun."

CHARLIE "YN at first was pretty secretive about her background so every thing she revealed herself was like a new lore drop."

YN "Lore drop???"

WALKER "Every few days on set, we'd be talking and one day you'd just drop 'Oh when I was in highschool, I was in the national debate championships and in the finals–' and you talked like it was so normal but then all of us just found out you did competitive debate."

YN "It wasn't that big of a deal–"

LEAH "You told us you won the championships?"

YN "I won best speaker but I technically-"

CHARLIE "Don't even bother."

[firesnap]

i have a genuine question. i promise i am not at all trying to defend him. ive dropped him entirely, literally deleted everything i had of him and unliked his songs.

ive just been wondering like considering that he has been in therapy, and also considering how if he does take a year off and then comes back, why cant it be redeemable? like cant people change? cant we give them second chances? he is 27. is he just doomed to be an abuser forever?

its just scary and im asking as like a younger person who is in my very early 20s. i know ive made mistakes. i know ive not been a good partner or friend sometimes. (and yes i was also abusive to a past partner...im not proud of it and ive learned from it. i have never ever touched anyone in that way after that. it took awhile but my current relationship isnt toxic and i would never hurt anyone or hit them again yknow?) and it scares me that people keep insinuating that he is irredeemable. like cant abusers change and become better? dont they get second chances? if shelby has grown and healed in 10 months wouldn't it be fair to say the same for wilbur?

im just genuinely asking because based on everything i believe you are older than me and im looking for guidance and just...idk im scared. growing up on the internet has made me so scared of making mistakes and doing anything wrong because when it happens to others i look up to, its always treated as something they'll never be able to change or improve. makes me feel like imma just be a horrible person forever because i made mistakes in the past.

This is a really complicated question that multiple answers can validly fit.

I don't think, personally, that anyone is irredeemable. I think everyone is on a journey of forgiveness and some of us may need more grace than others.

This is tw// abuse even more than the current topic, but my mom was incredibly abusive. We lived in a very rural area and she had a lot of undiagnosed problems and trauma of her own that created a pressure pot of issues. After I was born, she suffered through full on post-partum psychosis that nearly ended about as well as that sentence implies it could have. She was incredibly violent, controlling, and cruel for years. My sister went no-contact with her the second she turned 18. A significant event occurred that eventually spurned her into seeking real treatment that lasted for years. It's still ongoing.

My sister is also still no contact and I support her decision 100%. Those are her wounds and what she needed to do to get peace should be respected. I decided I wanted a relationship with the person who came out of all that work and, even then, it's been hard. I don't know if she's redeemed herself, and my god do we still have bumps in the road, but I support her for trying.

With Wilbur, how he responds to this is going to really impact a lot of things. I mean, I know no matter how he responds I won't be going on whatever journey of redemption and healing he has to go through. I'm tired and I feel hurt enough. I would think, if he wanted to show he was sincere, admitting what happened would be a great sense of closure for a lot of people who put time and energy and faith into this guy for years.

Not every person that causes harm is inherently evil, but there has to be some kind of knowledge that you're aware of the harm you've caused. No one is stuck as anything forever, life is constantly moving, and most people aren't saying his life is just over. You can work on yourself. You can change. And I'm saying that specifically to you, anonymous.

(Saying this, actually, there ARE people who would argue once you've done x you're beyond redemption based entirely on their life experiences as a victim, personal histories and many other factors. Kinda like my sister, that's their choice. And you have to accept that sometimes you fuck up so badly that you will permanently lose some people from your life. But your life isn't over.)

But I do think, regardless of what he says or does about this, his time of controlling a large platform is at an end. He can still do a lot of things in his life after he works on himself -- editing, song producing, directing, writing or whatever -- but being in charge of a large impressionable audience that could enable more destructive behaviors is just not it.

[jasontoddsmommyissues]

Let’s Give ���Em Something to Talk About

Pairing: Eddie Munson x Femme!Henderson!Reader

Summary: Y/N Henderson’s relationship with Eddie puts her at odds with Jason Carver and co.

Warnings: Reader uses she/her pronouns, bullying/harassment, slut shaming, allusions to sexual content (nothing sexual actually happens), Jason being a prick, swearing, Reader is Dustin’s sister but no physical descriptions are used and you can read it as an adopted sibling if you want, I think that’s it but let me know if I missed something

A/N: Alright, this is the first Fic I’ve ever posted on here. I’m honestly a little nervous, but hopefully you enjoy. I’ll probably end up posting this on my Ao3 too so I’ll link that at some point.

My Master List | Ao3

—

“I’m gonna miss you”, Eddie whines as he leans against the locker next to yours.

“It’s one class”, you reply as you swap out your English textbook for history, “that’s, what, an hour?”

“Actually I have Davis’s class next so it feels more like three hours”, Eddie says.

You snort. Mr. Davis has probably been around since the dinosaur era, and if there were to be a competition for most boring teacher at Hawkins High, he would win it hands down.

“It’s not funny”, Eddie teasingly pouts, “I might actually die of boredom.”

“As much as I would hate for that to happen, I’ve got my own class to get to, so unfortunately you’re on your own for now,” you reply.

“Alright well, please tell the rest of Hellfire I’m going to miss them”, he tells you, “and feel free to wear that black skirt of yours to the funeral. The tight one. It’s what I would’ve wanted.”

You roll your eyes affectionately before pressing a quick kiss to his lips.

“You’re so dramatic”, you say, “I’ll see you later.”

“If I survive that long”, he calls. You shake your head before turning the corner and heading into your history classroom.

“Okay, class”, your teacher, Mr. Price announces once the bell rings, “I’ve written some questions on the board. You’ll find the answers in Chapter 5 of your textbook. Write them down and turn them in by the end of class. You may work with a partner if you’d like.”

You pull your textbook out of your bag and flip to a clean sheet in your notebook. You don’t have any friends in this class, so you figure you may as well just do it yourself and get it over with. That is, until a voice startles you as you’re about to start reading the first page of the chapter.

“Hey, Y/N. Do you wanna work together?”

You blink up at the source of the voice and are pretty sure you must be hallucinating. That’s the only explanation you can think of as to why Jason Carver would be asking you to be his partner.

The two of you have been in the same grade since Kindergarten and you can't think of a single time in all those years that he’s directly acknowledged your existence. The closest thing you have to a connection with him is that your little brother is friends with one of his new Basketball recruits, but you kind of doubt he even knows or cares about that. There’s a few members of his little posse he could be asking to work with him, so you have no clue why he’d be asking you of all people. But, you don’t have anyone else, so you shrug.

“Sure, I guess”, you say.

“Great”, he smiles, moving to sit down next to you.

“I’ll get started on number 1”, you suggest, “maybe you can do number 2 and we’ll compare?”

“Sure”, he says sweetly. You’re honestly getting a little freaked out by how friendly he’s being.

You both do your agreed upon work, and then switch off to show each other your answers.

“So?” you ask when he’s finished reading yours, “does that seem right?”

“Yeah”, he replies, “you’re good at this. You ever thought about being a tutor?”

“Oh, no, not really”, you say.

“See, I just ask because our youth group has this program where some of us older members help the younger kids out after school and stuff.”

“Oh, that’s cool”, you tell him, not really engaged the conversation. It all sounds well and good, but you really aren’t interested in being a tutor at the moment.

“You know, the church has a lot of great programs”, Jason continues, and you’re not sure what any of this has to do with the Byzantine empire, which is what you’re supposed to be discussing.

“Okay”, you say.

“They do a lot of outreach, a lot of stuff to help people who have lost their way.”

“Lost their way?” you inquire, a small part of you beginning to understand what’s actually going on.

“Yeah. You know. Made bad choices, got mixed up with the wrong people.”

“Um, I think we should just get back to the assignment”, you suggest, uncomfortable with the discussion and not wanting it to go any further.

“Look”, Jason sighs, “what I’m trying to say is, I don’t know you very well, but you seem like a nice girl. I’d hate to see you go down a bad path.”

Okay. You get it now, and it’s starting to piss you off.

“Thank you, but I’m doing just fine”, you insist.

“You’ve been hanging around with Eddie Munson”, Jason says, as if it’s some scandalous secret and not just you spending time with your boyfriend, “you really shouldn’t do that, you know…”

You stare at him, a little dumbfounded he would just up and say such a thing to you.

“You can’t be serious…”, you say.

Jason leans in to you, a deadly serious expression on his face.

“I’ve heard about guys like him before”, he tells you, “I know the stuff they’re into.”

Yeah, so do you. It’s tabletop role playing games, which is about the least nefarious activity you could possibly think of. Jason clearly doesn’t see it that way, though, because he’s still going on.

“And I know they like to lure innocent people like you into their little organizations. I’m telling you, Munson is bad news. You should stay away before you get hurt.”

You seriously have to hold yourself back from laughing right in Jason’s face. You’re not sure what reality he’s living in, but it clearly isn’t the same one you are. Last weekend, you and Eddie had watched Terms of Endearment and he’d started to cry (well started tearing up at least, even sniffled a little, though he vehemently denied it). There’s not a single situation in which you can ever imagine him causing you intentional harm.

“Okay, you know what”, you say, “I think I’m gonna finish the rest of the assignment alone, thanks.”

Jason grabs your arm gently but firmly. “I’m serious, Y/N. He’s dangerous. Stay away from him before you end up hurt or killed.”

You’re really not sure what the most offensive part of all this is. It’s either that Jason thinks that somehow Eddie Munson, your lovable dork of a boyfriend,is secretly an evil Satanist cult leader, or that you’re apparently too stupid or naive to make that kind of judgment for yourself. Maybe it’s that he volunteered to work with you on an assignment and acted all friendly with you just so he could get this opportunity to preach to you about your supposedly “dangerous” lifestyle. He’s never given you the time of day before, after all.

“I don’t know what it is you think you see in him, but I promise you it’s not going to end well.”

You snort. Is he, what, jealous or something? He’s got a girlfriend, after all, and plenty of other girls who’d be willing to take her place if she were to leave him. It’s kind of sad that he’s apparently so insecure that the mere thought of Eddie Munson getting female attention is enough to have him losing his shit like this.

“Whatever”, you spit, “just leave me alone.”

He glares at you, but ultimately turns his attention to his textbook and doesn’t speak to you for the rest of the class.

-

You happily shove the encounter out of your mind once the bell rings. You’re perfectly content with the social circle you keep, and you’re not going to let some jock with an inflated sense of self importance change that.

Jason apparently doesn’t do the same because he spends lunch glaring at you from his table. Granted, him shooting disgusted looks in the general direction of the Hellfire Club is a regular occurance, but today he’s making it obvious his ire is directed specifically at you.

“What the fuck is his problem?” Eddie asks.

“I dunno”, you shrug, “he’s just an asshole.”

Eddie peers at him for a moment and you can see a familiar glint of mischief twinkle in his eye. Before you can comment, he’s dramatically pushing himself to his feet and sauntering over to Jason and company.

“What do you want?” Jason demands.

“Couldn’t help but notice you staring”, Eddie says, “just wanted to let you know that I’m flattered, but unfortunately you aren’t really my type. Sorry.”

“Fuck off”, Jason barks, “disgusting freak.”

“Don’t take it too hard”, Eddie says, giving him a joking pat on the shoulder before making his way back over to you. You stifle a laugh at the indignant look plastered on Jason’s face. Eddie shoots you a proud grin and you shake your head affectionately. Jason clearly doesn’t know shit about “guys like Eddie.”

-

The next few days pass by uneventfully. Jason doesn’t try talking to you again, which you’re thankful for. Wednesday starts out normally, you go to history, and Jason roundly ignores your presence. Then you have to go to your next class, which is gym.

Definitely not a favorite of yours, and you don’t even have Eddie in your class to ease the pain. You make it through your warm ups, and then the coach has you split up to practice your volleyball serves. Everything’s going well until Andy, one of Jason’s buddies, approaches you out of nowhere.

“Hey, Henderson”, he says, a smirk on his face, “you think you could score me some weed?”

You look at him, confused. You don’t get involved in Eddie’s side hustle, so you’re not sure why he’d ask you.

“What?”

“Oh, I just figured you probably get a good discount”, he goes on, “I mean, that’s why you let Munson fuck you, right?”

You freeze in shock, your cheeks starting to grow hot. You can’t say you’re used to people making comments about your sex life, especially not to your face.

“I mean, I gotta say”, Andy continues, a cruel glint in his eye, “I didn’t take you for a slut. But come on. Spreading your legs for that freak? Jesus, that’s sad. You know, I’d be happy to show you a good time, since you’re so desperate for it.”

You can only stand there, mouth agape. Sure, you’ve gotten a gross comment or two from a male classmate before, but nothing like this. You certainly have never been called a slut before. You try to formulate a response, but you can’t come up with one. It doesn’t matter anyway, because the coach’s whistle rings out, signaling for you all to hit the changing rooms. You dash out of the gym, more than pleased to be away from Andy.

You hop in the shower in the locker room, take a few moments to shake off the discomfort of the interaction. You’re not entirely successful in that endeavor, because it keeps playing in your mind even after you’re dressed and making your way back into the hallways.

You have no idea where the hell Andy came up with all of that. At this point, it’s common knowledge that you and Eddie are dating, but you don’t know where this idea that you’re sleeping with him for drugs came from. It couldn’t be further from the truth.

“Hey, Beautiful”, you’re distracted from your thoughts by Eddie, who comes happily bounding over to you. His face falls when he sees the look on your face though.

“You okay?” he asks.

“I’m fine”, you say. Something about the idea of telling Eddie about what happened leaves a bad taste in your mouth. It’s embarrassing, and you definitely don’t want him to feel like it’s somehow his fault that Jason and Andy are giving you a hard time.

Besides, it doesn’t matter. Once again, nothing they say about you or Eddie is true. You can’t let some stupid jocks get to you.

-

Honestly, you probably could’ve been okay, if that was the end of it. Unfortunately, things only get worse the next day.

As you make your way to your seat in history, you catch sight of Amber and Samantha, two cheerleaders who like to hang around Jason and the others, whispering as you walk by.

You ignore them, figuring you’re being paranoid and they probably aren’t even talking about you, but when you sit down, Amber turns and looks you right in the eye.

She raises her voice then, clearly intending for you to hear what she’s saying.

“I hope she’s gotten tested”, she tells Samantha, “I can’t imagine what nasty shit the Freak is passing on to her.”

You take a deep breath, turning away from her.

It doesn’t matter, you tell yourself, it’s not true.

“I hope the drugs are worth it,” Samantha says.

You clench your jaw as you slip into your seat. It shouldn’t bother you so much. It's not true, and even if it were, who cares what Amber and Samantha have to say about it?

You’re dating Eddie because you like him. You like the way he’s always joking around and making you laugh, you like that he makes a point of looking out for Dustin and his friends, you like the way he looks at you with those big puppy dog eyes and flashes that mischievous grin. Cheap access to his drugs has never even crossed your mind.

You shouldn’t concern yourself with what they say, you know that, but hearing your name in connection with “slut” grinds at you.

-

During gym class, you do your best to avoid Andy, because everytime he notices you looking at him, he’s making some suggestive gesture at you. You don’t bother telling anyone about it, since Andy’s on the basketball team and the coach would probably take his side.

In the hallway, you accidentally bump into Patrick from the basketball team. You mutter an apology, which he accepts, but his girlfriend gives you the dirtiest look you’ve ever seen.

“Don’t talk to her”, you hear her tell him as you walk away, “she’s a slut.”

-

All of the gossip has put you in a foul mood by the time you get to your second to last period of the day, which happens to be study hall.

Like always, it’s in the cafeteria, with you and a bunch of other students of varying grade levels all sitting around doing your homework. Technically, you’re not supposed to talk, but the teacher in charge is way too underpaid to worry about enforcing that, so you can usually get away with conversation as long as things don’t get too rowdy.

You’re not taking advantage of that today, rather trying your best to distract yourself by actually doing your homework. You’re halfway through summarizing Act 3 of Hamlet when you hear someone say your name.

“Hey, Y/N…”

You’re confused when you look up to find Lucas standing there. Technically, you’ve known him for years, but it’s not like you’ve ever associated with him outside the time he spends with Dustin.

“What?” you ask, a little meaner than you mean to.

“I just thought you should know that…well, I think Jason has been going around saying things about you.”

Of course. You should’ve known Jason was behind this. Jason fucking Carver. Captain of the Basketball Team. Active member of the local church. Son of one of the most respected families in Hawkins. He’s clearly used to people listening to whatever he has to say. Apparently, his ego couldn’t handle you dismissing his comments about your relationship with Eddie.

Jesus, you’d always known he was a bit of an asshole, but this is a level of pettiness you’d never expected, even from him.

“Don’t tell him I told you”, Lucas adds, “but I just thought you should know.”

“Thank you”, you say. You’re definitely glad to have that piece of information.

-

The next day, you storm into Mr. Price’s classroom with righteous fury coursing through your veins. You bypass your desk and instead march straight up to Jason.

He pauses his conversation with Andy and Samantha when he sees you approach.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” You demand.

“Excuse me?” Jason asks.

“I know you’ve been starting rumors about me”, you tell him, “what exactly is your problem, Jason?”

“Me? I don’t have a problem”, Jason insists, “I just think it’s fair the men of Hawkins High get a warning about your ‘extracurricular’ activities.”

You can feel heat flood your cheeks.

“You’re a dick, Jason!” you hiss.

“You know, Y/N”, Jason retorts, “I actually feel bad for you. I mean, no decent man is ever going to want you when they find out you’ve been giving it up to some trailer trash freak.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about”, you snap.

“Believe me, I know exactly what happens to girls who hang around with filthy, Satan-worshiping scumbags”, he says, “and you know what? I’m not going to feel sorry for you when they’re finding your body dumped in the woods.”

“Get over yourself!”

“Whatever”, Jason shakes his head, “I’m not gonna take the attitude from some little slut.”

You’re not fully in control of yourself during what happens next. One second you’re standing there listening to Jason degrade you, the next your fist is connecting with his face.

He stands there, stunned for a moment, before opening his mouth to say something. He doesn’t get the chance though, because Mr. Price gets to it first.

“Ms. Henderson”, he gasps, “Mr. Carver, what on earth is going on here?”

“She punched me in the face”, Jason spits accusingly.

“I-I…I’m sorry I…”

“Enough”, Mr. Price sighs, “I want both of you going to the principal’s office right now!”

-

You’re in deep shit. That much is immediately clear. You punched Jason Carver in the face. It’s not like you even claim it was self defense, since he didn’t do anything physical to you.

“So”, Principal Higgins sighs, “tell me what happened again?”

“She punched me in the face”, Jason hisses.

“Is that true?”

“Yes”, you sigh, “but he called me a slut.”

Principal Higgins rubs his temple, processing the information. Meanwhile, Jason’s gaze is fixed firmly on you, his eyes full of hatred.

“Mr. Carver”, Higgins says finally, “that is not appropriate language to use in regards to another student. You may go back to class, but I better not hear about something like this again.”

Jason stands and marches out of the office, as if he has a right to be pissed about Higgins’ scolding. You suppress the urge to roll your eyes. Of course he gets a slap on the wrist. Nobody wants to punish the star basketball player. You’re certain that if it were anyone else, Eddie or Dustin or one of the other Hellfire Club members, they definitely wouldn’t be getting off so easily.

“Now, as for you Ms. Henderson”, Higgins says, “we do not allow for any sort of violence in this school. However, in all your years at this school, you have never had to receive any form of discipline. So I’m willing to be flexible here. Normally, something like this could be grounds for suspension, but since this is your first time, I say it’s two weeks detention after school starting next Monday. Does that sound fair to you?”

Not really, no, but you can’t say that.

“Yes”, you reply instead.

“Alright. Good. Now go back to class. And Ms. Henderson, I sincerely hope I won’t have to see you in my office again.”

-

You’re in a bad mood when Mr. Price’s class finally ends. You’ve gone your entire high school career without getting a detention and now you’ve ruined that over some pompous dick bag. Speaking of, Jason has been staring daggers at you since you returned to class, and is continuing to do so even now as you’re leaving.

There’s a tense, awkward moment where you both stand there in the hallway, glaring at each other, but it’s broken when the force of a body colliding with your back almost takes you off your feet. Jason is forgotten when a pair of arms wrap around your waist from behind.

“Eddie”, you huff playfully.

“How’d you know it was me?” he asks as you turn around to face him.

“Cause you can’t keep your hands to yourself, Munson”, you reply.

“Don’t blame me”, he replies, “you know I’m powerless to resist your charms.”

Before you can reply he’s pulling you close and beginning to press kisses to your cheek. You know the two of you are making a scene, and on any other day you might be a little self conscious about it, but today you’re just glad to have him around.

His kisses stop suddenly and you realize he’s stopped because he’s finally noticed Jason’s hateful glaring. Unfazed as always, he just flashes a cocky smile and gives Jason a mocking impression of a friendly wave. Jason makes a face like he’s wishing for both you and Eddie’s violent deaths.

“Geez”, Eddie comments, “he looks pissed.”

“Um, yeah, probably because I punched him in the face”, you mutter.

Eddie’s eyes widen in obvious surprise.

“He had it coming”, you add, “he was being a Dick.”

You know you don’t have to defend yourself to Eddie. He knows better than anyone how nasty Jason can be.

“My, my, Fair Lady Henderson”, he smiles, “I dare say that was very Metal of you.”

“Yeah, well, Higgins didn’t think so”, you reply, “I got two weeks detention for it.”

“Ol’ Higgins never did have a sense of humor”, Eddie says, “but from where I’m standing, you’re basically a hero.”

“Really?”

“Hell yeah”, Eddie tells you, “Jason and his goons have been making our lives miserable for years.”

You can’t help but smile at that. You’re definitely not happy with the day’s events, but knowing Eddie’s on your side makes it a little more bearable.

-

On Monday you begrudgingly make your way to Mrs. Cline’s room for your first day of detention.

“Ms. Henderson?” she asks when you walk in.

“Yeah”, you say, a little embarrassed.

“Wonderful”, she says, checking your name off of a list in front of her, “please take a seat.”

There’s only two other people in there with you, so you just pick a seat as far from them as possible and sit down.

“Alright”, Mrs. Cline says, “looks like everyone’s here except…”

“I’m here.”

You look up in surprise to see Eddie come walking into the room.

“Ah, yes, Mr. Munson”, Mrs. Cline says dryly, “what a surprise. Please take a seat.”

You know that Eddie isn’t a stranger to detention, but it’s weird that he didn’t mention anything to you when you’d told him about it. He walks over to the desk next to yours, looking way too pleased for someone who’s about to serve a stint in detention.

“What are you doing here?” you ask.

“Oh, you know, got caught vandalizing the boy’s locker room during free period”, he tells you.

“What? When?”

“Friday”, he says with a satisfied smirk.

You frown. This must’ve happened after the whole Jason thing on Friday which means…

Which means Eddie did it knowing that you were also going to be in detention.

“Eddie”, you say, “did you get detention just because I did?”

“I couldn’t let you have all the fun, could I?” he grins.

You can’t help but smile along with him.

“Mr. Munson, Ms. Henderson”, Mrs. Cline calls from her desk, “no talking during detention.”

Eddie mimes zipping his lips and waits until Mrs. Cline looks away before giving you a playful wink. You stifle a giggle.

You don’t know Jason all that well, but you’re pretty sure he would never dream of landing himself in detention just to keep his girlfriend company. You’ve never seen him make a scene in the middle of the hallways to get her to smile. That’s the thing about this that really gets under your skin. Jason and the others don’t know shit. They think that just because Eddie doesn’t fall into their narrow definition of “acceptable”, he must be scary and dangerous. They think that just because you’re not afraid of him, you must be dirty and corrupted. They’re too close-minded to look closer and see that Eddie is the sweetest boyfriend you could ever imagine, that you spend time with him because he makes you happy. They’d rather write him off as a freak and you off as a slut than accept that maybe their perception is wrong.

You’re far from being a violent person, but you can’t say you regret what you did. Jason deserved to be put in his place, and it’s not like you did any serious damage to him anyway. You’re glad you stood up for yourself, for Eddie. You’ve probably tacked “psycho bitch” onto your already unflattering “whore” reputation, but at this point, you’re not sure you care. If being a freak means you get to spend your days with the love of your life, you will gladly accept that label.

-

After the designated two hours are up, Mrs. Cline dismisses you all.

“Well, that wasn’t so bad”, you say as you and Eddie start making your way through the hall.

“Nah”, he replies, “I mean it’s boring but it’s not bad.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely not planning on having to do this again”, you continue, “but it’s bearable.”

Eddie nods.

“I’m sorry, by the way”, he adds.

“For what?”

“Jason and the others. They’ve been giving you a hard time, right?”

“Yeah”, you shrug, “it is what it is. Not your fault.”

“I mean it kind of is”, Eddie replies, “they’re only doing it because you’re dating me.”

“Eddie”, you say, “Jason’s an asshole, okay? That’s not on you. If he can’t handle our relationship, then fuck him.”

That gets a grin out of Eddie.

“You know, you’re getting to be quite a rabble rouser, Henderson”, he jokes.

“I’m learning from the best”, you tease back.

Eddie’s smile widens. He follows you out to your car and then presses a soft kiss to your lips.

“See you tomorrow, Sweetheart”, he says and then heads off to his van. You watch him go, butterflies still lingering in your tummy from the contact.

If you’d actually had any doubts about Eddie, they would’ve disappeared in that moment. That feeling, it’s a one of a kind thing. No one’s ever managed to give it to you before, and you’re not sure anyone else ever will. You love Eddie. He loves you. He’s sweet, and silly and he treats you right. If your peers want to believe a bunch of bullshit about you two, then let them. You know what you have, and you’re not going to let them ruin it for you.

Grinning to yourself, you hop in your car, put the Black Sabbath tape you borrowed from Eddie into the player and head home.

[creacherkeeper]

happy pride everyone

for some reason i was sitting outside this morning and enjoying some shockingly not boiling hot weather and reflecting on a post i had made like ... 12 years ago on here that "blew up" (like 60k notes on early days tumblr) and thinking like. wow i sure do know a lot more about myself now that makes all that make sense but

the post was someone saying like. hey how can you call yourself an atheist and support gay people because gay people go against the concept of evolution. and my reply was like. actually there are gay members of like every social species weve studied it in and i had a bunch of facts laid out about all the different very gay animals of this world (like giraffes having very largely m/m sex)

but now, like 12 years later, i am thinking about human evolution and queer identity and thought it would be fun to talk about. i am by far not an expert and so if there are experts who want to correct me or talk more in depth about this Please jump in but

... why did humans evolve to be queer anyway?

very short answer: because its helpful to raising kids

longer answer: though its debated whether humans are a prosocial or eusocial species, it is agreed upon that early humans cooperatively raised young, including those that they did not personally sire or give birth to, and that we lived in multi-generation communities where younger members would help raise older members offspring, and vice versa

(note: im using the terms amab and afab for human populations potentially pre concepts of gender but work with me here, i dont want to keep repeating genitalia or genomes when those arent always a helpful 1 to 1 either. sex is a spectrum gender is made up etc support intersex rights)

we know that due to fraternal birth order effect (npr link), youre 33% more likely to be gay with each older amab sibling that you have (not 33% total, but 33% more, so like 2% to 2.6 to 3.5 etc). this is true of both amab and afab people with older amab siblings. we also know that a birthing parent having more of a specific antibody makes their children more likely to be gay (and that antibody is not exclusive to but is highly tied to giving birth to amab children)

in addition, evolutionarily speaking, its just as advantageous for your siblings children to do well than it is for yours to. its incredibly rare you would happen to have a very helpful mutation that your siblings dont have. which means that your siblings kids would be about 25% amab grandparent, 25% afab grandparent, and 50% a parent who is unrelated to you. this is exactly the same for your own children

okay, so what does that mean?

to put it simply, it means that having older siblings, specifically older siblings who are more easily able to sire more children, makes you more likely to end up in a same-sex couple, which means you are two adults with no children who are now around to help raise children you are equally invested in the success of than if they were your own

the more older youth or adults you have around to help who are not also using up a bunch of resources by being pregnant and having non-helping-age children, the better off that community's children will be. more people to hunt and gather and create resources like tools, which means everyone prospers, especially the kids

or, to frame it from the opposite view: having gay siblings means your children are more likely to survive and thrive

(kind of funny how conservatives are like gay people shouldnt be around children when the entire point of our evolutionary development was that we were great to have around if you had kids but like. alas)

so, thats the very basic core of it. but you can apply this concept to a lot of queer identities. aroace? working adult around to help who is not bringing in an unrelated partner or having kids. trans? you now either have an m/f couple who can fill two different social niches without having kids, or you have a gay couple who is able to do more varied physical tasks whether or not they do have kids. bi people may have kids or may not, or their children may be more spread out if they have partners of different sexes over time

not to mention you kind of have some built in, ready to go parents in the case that another community member dies, and there are now orphans that need raising. its a lot harder for someone whos already a parent to take on more children, as opposed to an adult couple who doesnt have any

so yeah :) were queer because we were helpful to have in communities and allowed everyone, but especially youth, to prosper and thrive

tl;dr: queer people were an evolutionary advantage to have in an early community because we were helping-age members who were able to cooperatively raise young and take on orphans without using up resources on birthing and raising our own young

yay science :o) happy pride everyone!!!

[jotarobutcat]

I'll just be honest and say that I hate it when people use neurodivergency as an excuse to be immature. And by that I don't mean things like liking shows with a younger target audience or getting overwhelmed by tasks. These have nothing to do with being emotionally mature.

I mean refusing to cooperate or make compromises, throwing tantrums in public and overall disregarding other people's needs and boundaries in order to make yourself comfortable.

The world doesn't revolve around you. We live in communities, and in order for the community to prosper, you need to take into account other people's needs and comfort as well, not just yours. If you have special needs, you're obviously allowed to ask that these needs are met as well as possible, but neurodivergency isn't a "do whatever you want without consequences" card.

You're allowed to have emotions, you're allowed to feel overwhelmed and you're allowed to have your own wants and needs, but you need to learn to communicate these in a mature way and to take other people into consideration as well. It's a part of growing up and maturing.

And before you come at me with the "we shouldn't have to abide by neurotypicals' rules", many of these rules also benefit many neurodivergent people. For example, I am extremely oversensitive to noise and have trauma from overbearing parents, if an adult man suddenly started screaming while I was bying new clothes I would likely have a panic attack. When somebody chews with their mouth open I feel like someone is trying to put a living spider in my ear. It's not just neurotypical people who the "don't be an obnoxious little shit" rule benefits.

/nbh

EDIT: Since this is getting way more attention than I thought it would, and some misunderstandings have arisen, I'll just add here what I explained in the comments as well. Before anything, this edit is merely to prevent further misunderstandings, not to put anyone on a pedestal of shame for misunderstanding what I meant. The original post leaves many things vague, and it is understandable that it might come off the wrong way.

This post is about using neurodivergency as an excuse for bad behaviour, not as an explanation for problems that actually come with neurodivergency. It is specifically aimed at people with autism and/or ADHD who use their neurodivergency as an excuse for behaviour that is usually *not even caused by their neurodivergency*, but rather bad parenting or other external factors.

The word "tantrum" is NOT used to describe meltdowns here. Tantrums and meltdowns are very different in nature, the former being usually caused by bad parenting and a lack of set boundaries in childhood, and the latter being caused by emotional or physical overwhelm. During tantrums a person is in control of their emotions, but chooses to release them as an angry outburst towards other people. During meltdowns a person is NOT in control of their emotions, and cannot choose how they present their overwhelm. If you need an example of what I mean by tantrums, you can look at your nearest neighbourhood "Karen" for that, and you will probably see that the kind of behaviour I mean is very different from an autistic meltdown.

EDIT2: Edited some wording. Also, I'd just like to clarify here too, like I did in the comments at one point, that people who don't have the capability to learn things like emotional regulation are obviously excluded here. This is specifically for those who are able to, but don't. Also, this is an old post so please keep that in mind.

[vendetta-if]

Please don’t take this the wrong way, because I still think you’re writing is incredible and I look forward to every update, but am I the only one who finds Takeshi incredibly weird? Like he’s got a wife and 3 kids and yet he’s still pining over my dad who’s been dead for years now. It’s time to move on dude, come on.

If he was younger and single then I’d understand, but the way it comes off, to me at least, is pretty emotionally unfaithful. It reads like Takeshi views Viktor as “the one who got away” which is kind of a shitty attitude to have when you’re married with kids. We haven’t even met Rins mom yet and I already feel bad for her lol, this whole situation is uncomfortable.

Anyways, sorry for my rambling and if you got offended I really do apologize, I wasn’t trying to be mean. Good luck on your future writing!

I appreciate you being polite when writing this and don’t worry, I’m not offended 😁 I have talked a little bit more about him and his feelings for Viktor and about his marriage with Azami in other asks, but I realize that some of them, I answered like in the early days of this blog being up (boy, time sure does fly because it feels like yesterday to me 😭) and not everyone will have read all of the related asks.

So, everything is a lil bit more complicated for Takashi than what it might seem like on the surface, and of course, I can’t really put all of this history and backstory in the main story because it’s not focused on Takashi, or Rin, or the Aikawa, and thus, I understand why some people end up seeing Takashi in a worse light. This is, of course, not to say that he is perfect. I feel like no one in my story is perfect, even Viktor himself, and I like to keep it that way. But I hope my long-winded explanation in this post will help you get a clearer picture on Takashi and his complicated love life 😭.

And right now in the story, I’ll say that he has actually moved on from Viktor. Sure he still remembers and mourns him around the anniversary of his death, and talking about Viktor (and Yvette) is still a sore spot for him, but as they say, you don’t really forget your first love. Also, he has fixed his relationship with Azami (thus their decision to have the twins) by the time of the main story and they’re at their best right now and I’ll explain more in details below the cut.

I’ll put it under the cut because it’s going to be a long one as I try to summarize Takashi’s and Azami’s history together and some additional lore stuff for those who are interested.

For starter, his marriage to Azami was an arranged one that both of them didn’t really have any say in it and it doesn’t help that both of them didn’t even have time to properly get to know each other by the time they got married. They were also pretty young (around early to mid 20s perhaps? I don’t have my notes open right now).

It was a… politically strategic wedding that Takashi’s father and Azami’s maternal grandfather arranged.

And additional info since I don’t think I have mentioned this anywhere actually, but Azami’s maternal side of family is a Yakuza clan/family back in Japan and by establishing some kind of family relationship with the Aikawas—who focuses their businesses in the US—they hope to keep the door open for possibilities of expanding their own business abroad in the US through the Aikawas. They haven’t really done that, but it’s nice to already have and secure the connection. And vice versa for the Aikawas if they wanna do some business in Japan.

It doesn’t help that Viktor was literally Takashi’s first love and that they’ve known each other since they were kids. So, by the time of his marriage, Takashi didn’t really have enough time to kind of, let go or grow out of his feelings for his first love and he was basically getting married to a stranger.

But to think that this means that he automatically becomes an emotionally distant husband and father is wrong. He spent time talking and hanging out with Azami (mostly initiating them first because Azami is the more introverted and reserved one in their relationship), trying to build a relationship—that should’ve been built naturally in normal marriages—with his wife. It did end up being more like a platonic relationship at first than a romantic one, but still, Azami appreciated that.

He’s also a good, caring, and warm dad for Rin and he did take care of Rin as much as Azami did. I’ve said this before in another ask, but when she got married to what is basically a stranger, Azami expected the worse and Takashi was a very pleasant surprise for her.

I think along the way, Azami fell in love with him for real first, but the fact that Takashi still saw her more of a platonic partner and still had romantic feelings for Viktor at the time… It did put a strain on their marriage.

But both of them didn’t really give up on their marriage and even though it took years, they slowly work on their relationship. It was not an instant progress but over time, Takashi ends up falling in love with Azami as well and that’s also the reason why they had the twins like more than a decade after they had Rin (The twins are still very young in the story right now).

Rin was born because of both of their families’ pressure and expectation, but having the twins is the decision that Takashi and Azami made themselves out of love.

While his feelings for Viktor is still there somewhere in the background, it’s waay weaker and fainter than when he was younger. Right now in the story, I would say he has moved on, although he still remembers his first love occasionally, especially around the time of his death. After all, they say that you can’t really forget your first love.

But yeah, in the story currently, his relationship with his wife is at its best and he’s living happily with his family.

And while a part of his motivation to get Rin to marry MC is in part to kind of fulfilling an impossible dream of his, it is also just for… practical reasons. The fact is that the Aikawas have a little bit more to gain by tying the Morozovs in an alliance based on blood ties than the Morozovs do. The Morozovs have the stronger manpower and raw force/strength and nowadays, they have decent connections too.

I mentioned this before in the past ask about the two families’ history, but their alliance started out because the Aikawas were having a pretty rough time protecting their turf from the other criminal groups and families back in New York. They mostly have power by accumulating and brokering information and connections, but they’re a bit lacking in like raw force and power, and that’s where Grandpa Morozov saw the opportunity for alliance and went to talk with Takashi’s father. And the rest we know how it plays out.

So, yeah… I think that’s all I have to say in this post and I’ll definitely be referring to this post again if I ever get similar asks. I don’t know whether it helps you understand Takashi a little bit more or not, but I do hope it’s not as black and white as it once was 😅

[lbulldesigns]

AITAH FOR GHOSTING MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS FOR THREE YEARS, FOR MY OWN MENTAL HEALTH?

Posted 7th of January, 2024

Disclaimer: mentions of self-harm, violence, and attempted suicide.

Please bear with me. This post will be long.

I (20f) have been estranged from my family for the past three years.

I want to start off by saying that my family aren't bad people. They were never abusive, and they did care for me, but they could never understand me or the full extent of my issues.

Some background. When I was around five, my sister (26f), we'll call her V, and I witnessed our parents' death at the hands of some trigger-happy Enforcers. We don't know why they decided our parents deserved to die, but they did, and we were left orphaned when the authorities couldn't find any other family to take us in.

We bounced around in the system for a while, fearing being torn from each other at any moment, before a family friend was able to foster and then officially adopt us. Our AD (adoptive dad) was a godsend, he was and still (to my knowledge) is the most patient and gentle man I know. Despite looking like a wolf LOL.

Along with gaining a new father we also gained two brothers (twin 23m) the older twin (C) takes after our dad, Kind and patient. The younger twin (M) however is a little nasty bitch, who took upon himself to make my life in particular an ongoing hell. He was never physically abusive, but he was verbally abusive. It felt like not a day would go by when he wasn't putting me down and treating my existence like it was something insignificant. He never had a problem with V, just me.

For the first six years everyone else would defend me, put him in his place, and overall hold him accountable but at some point, they stopped holding him accountable and just expected me to grow a thicker skin. I still remember the day when I went crying to my sister and rather than comfort me, just rolled her eyes and asked if I could maybe not take him seriously because she needed to finish her group project. To her credit, she apologised for that but it was hard to rely on her after that.

Long story short, M made my home life unbearable, and I had bullies at school that made it unbearable. Especially once I was in high school and my best (and only) friend started making friends of his own. I want to say that I was cool with this, but in reality, I turned into an absolute brat and refused to get along with any of them. I wish I didn't, but I just couldn't help but feel betrayed and genuinely acted on those emotions.

And this is how I was with everyone. Constantly betrayed and acting out. It was no wonder everyone I knew got sick of me.

My Dad was constantly worrying about me.

My older brother avoided me as much as possible, to avoid my outbursts.

My sister was just constantly swinging between feeling guilty, angry, and just done with my constant outbursts. Especially when these outbursts were directed at her girlfriend, who constantly talked about how she wanted to be an Enforcer to protect others (take a wild guess why I couldn't like her). V even slapped me for something I said (I can't remember what) to her GF that made her cry.

And my best friend... hates me.

It's my own fault, obviously.

What led to the title of my post is this.

I told my (former) best friend that I loved him and wanted to be with him, and he just raged at me. Apparently, he was seeing someone and thought that I was pulling something in order to break them up. He didn't believe me when I said that I didn't know he was in a relationship (I genuinely didn't know) but he wouldn't hear it and called me an AH and said he was done with me.

I felt humiliated and heartbroken, when I got home that day I was crying and M was the first person, unfortunately, who I came across. And the first thing he does is scoff and roll his eyes, and said "fucking crybaby".

I don't fully remember what happened, I blacked out, but I remember my dad pulling me off of M and his face was a bloody mess. I'm pretty sure that I broke his nose and then some, my dad was so angry. The angriest I've ever seen him; he actually shook me by the shoulders and demanded what was wrong with me. And when I couldn't answer, they told me to get out. Which I did.

I just bolted from the house, the sound of shouting behind me, and just kept running until I got to the Bridge of Progress.

I was just so empty and lost, and the water below looked so tempting. I was about to end it all when my guardian angel showed up.

Ez (21m) was walking by when he saw me about to jump and, without hesitation, climbed up next to me and asked what we were doing.

He saved me that day, without even trying. He listened to my whining and rather than offer me empty promises of "it'll be okay" instead said "girl you messed up. Wanna go on an adventure with me?"

We've been friends ever since.

I took him on his offer and went home to collect some things, when I got there the lights were off so I climbed up to my bedroom window and let myself in. I grabbed my clothes, some saved up cash, my laptop, and my documents (in case I needed them) and left a note for my family saying "bye".

And that was three years ago. I haven't been in contact with them, I don't follow them on social media, and I left my mobile behind so they were never able to get hold of me.

I completely and utterly. Ghosted them. And I don't entirely regret it.

In the last three years I have gained close friends, experienced new things, seen interesting things, and have felt well enough to actually want to seek therapy. My mental health improved greatly, although I still have issues but still am lot better than I was before.

However, I can't help but feel like an AH. My family weren't bad, just fed up. They are genuinely good people (even M) it's just that I bring the worst out in people. But recently I've been wondering if I should reach out or not.

What if doing so disrupts their lives? What if my leaving improved their lives?

I don't know.

AITAH if I reach out to my family after ghosting them for three years?

(This is a fanfic. Please read tags)

[copper-16]

been thinking about your platonic andrea + lola fic especially since andrea missed the last penalty that took atletico out of the CL. would you ever write a fic about that?

idk andrea feeling really guilty and pulling away from the team and lola reminding her that she’s more than just her bad moments on the pitch?

:)

The way this ask made me GASP...I posted this fic OVER a year ago and someone still remembers it? I cannot explain my excitement, especially because it's such a little niche/rarepair fic. It makes my YEAR when people still remember those silly little fics I made. If rarepair or platonic stuff was more popular I would probably have a million fics to write, honestly.

I wasn't ever planning to write about them again - but I pumped something out solely because I was so excited by you mentioning it 😭 It's not a full fic necessarily which is why I'm just posting it on here.

I Try, I Try

Andrea misses the penalty, crushing Atlético Madrid's dream of playing in the Champions League. Crushing Lola's dream of playing in the Champions League. The defender struggles to cope before she receives an important reminder.

If there was one thing that would have motivated Lola to save every single one of those penalties, it would be the sight of Andrea on the pitch after missing her own. It was burned into her brain it felt like, the image of the younger girl right next to the celebrating Rosenborg team, her head in her hands. 

Lola was absolutely disappointed after the loss. But she had been lucky to have a long career, to have won a Champions League trophy, to have experienced so many losses and victories. But the defender was still young, and it was a different kind of pressure and expectation to be the one to take the final penalty in a shootout. Especially one where the result determined if they had a shot at playing on the international stage. 

And Andrea hadn’t even flinched when she had been selected, insisting that she was ready. She was putting on a brave face, Lola could tell. 

But it was that kind of strength and the right attitude that made good players great ones. The keeper was proud of her for being a team player and fighting till the end, even if it wasn’t their day. Even if she wanted to cry, the blonde made her way around to her other teammates, patting them on the back and holding back her clear upset. 

Lola simply wished it didn’t have to end this way. The younger girl had been nearly catatonic in the changing room, on the bus ride, on the plane. 

It had been Carmen who had taken Andrea home, given that the two of them lived in the same apartment building. Lola had pulled the older defender aside, asking her quietly to keep an eye on their younger teammate. 

When the keeper asked Andrea if she wanted to come over to her and Christina’s apartment, she only received a muted head shake in response. The younger girl could barely even look her in the eyes as she brushed the keeper off, though not unkindly. 

It had taken less than two hours for Carmen to call Lola to come over, her voice filled with worry. 

The older woman rode a strange line sometimes, wanting to respect Andrea’s boundaries while also understanding that sometimes people didn’t always exactly say what they wanted. She did feel a certain responsibility to protect the defender from the harsh realities of the world, but she couldn’t solve everything. 

Personally, she hated the fact, even if she knew that she held no control over it. 

She makes it to Andrea and Carmen’s apartment building in record time, meeting her former partner by the door to the younger girlfriend’s apartment.

“I could hear her crying in her room when I was making her some food and I…I don’t know. She hates being alone, it feels more like she’s trying to punish herself than process,” Carmen said with exasperation, but underneath her tone is thinly veiled worry. 

“You probably aren’t far off,” Lola acquiesced, turning her head briefly to look at the door. “I’ve got her, you can go back up to your place. Don’t forget to ice your knee,” the keeper said with as much captainly authority as she could muster. Carmen rolled her eyes good-naturedly, saluting her teammate somewhat mockingly before she turned to head back up to her own place. 

Lola lets herself into Andrea’s apartment, and despite the fact that the defender’s door is closed, she can hear the muted sounds of crying that ring through the space. She doesn’t even hesitate, striding over to the younger girl’s room before she opens the door gently, poking her head in. 

The soft crying noises shut off abruptly, the entire room entering into a precarious stillness. Lola felt her heart sink at the evidence of the girl’s sadness, even if she knew it was there. 

The older woman doesn’t even bother with asking for an invitation, she simply moves into the room, climbing into Andrea’s bed with her. 

This bed held a million memories, at least for the keeper. Late-night conversations and confessions, the loudest of laughs, a safe space for tears. The mattress greets her warmly, sinking under her as she moves her body closer to Andrea’s, placing her hand gently on the defender’s back. 

“Lola, go away,” Andrea insists, attempting to sound more firm than she felt. Her words come out sounding more like they are from a tearful child, not that Lola cares. 

“It is okay to be upset Andrea, it is okay to cry,” Lola tries, but the blonde still shifts away from her, and the sound of a stuttering breath punctuates the silence around them. 

There is a pause before the younger girl speaks again, her words dripping with rage. 

Not for the team, but rather for herself. 

“It is my fault that we lost. I shouldn’t be crying over something that I had control over.” 

Lola sits up slightly after hearing her words, placing her head in her hand, her elbow pressing into the mattress. When she speaks, her voice is firm, with little room for argument. 

“No, it is not.” 

The sheer force of her words is enough to make Andrea pause and relent in turning over slightly to peer at the dark-haired woman. 

She expects Lola to be looking at her with anger, with frustration. 

First, she lost them an important game, all because she couldn’t shoot a ball into the net properly. Like it wasn’t her only job to do exactly that. 

And now, she was acting like a child, hiding in her bed when all she wanted was a hug and a reminder that she wasn’t the worst footballer in the world. 

She was older now, and she needed to grow up and be realistic. There wasn’t time for all of her big, unnecessary emotions. 

But Lola isn’t looking at her with anger or frustration. She looks more apprehensive and concerned than anything else, and Andrea turns over more fully to face her. 

“I’m so sorry Lola,” she whispers, crushed by the thought that she was the one who ended not only her dreams, the dreams of the team, but Lola’s dream. 

The keeper shakes her head instantly, her expression filling with sympathy. 

“Andrea, it is not your fault. There were 120 minutes, and four other penalties besides your own. This doesn’t rest on all you, I promise,” Lola points out, but Andrea cuts her off with a humorless laugh. 

“Yes, but if I had just made my penalty, my one job, we wouldn’t be here,” she counters, averting her eyes from the older woman. 

“And if I had saved more of the penalties, or the goals, we wouldn’t be here either,” Lola comments, but it doesn’t seem to do anything other than upset the defender more. 

“That is different, and you know it. Nobody expects a keeper to save a penalty, but it is the job of the players to score,” Andrea’s voice is forceful, as though she’s trying to convince herself of the words. 

“By the time we made it to penalties, we had already failed our job. All of us, the whole team, not just you. Just because you are the one who went last, doesn’t mean that our failures for the whole game lay completely on your shoulders,” Lola argues, and when the blonde doesn’t say anything in response, she continues. 

“This is not your fault. We all miss penalties or make mistakes on the job. I can’t even begin to count how many mistakes I have made in my career Andrea, truly. As much as I hate it, it’s a part of the game. And it doesn’t matter how many times it happens, or how old you are, you are allowed to be upset over it. It doesn’t make you immature or weak to cry or feel upset,” the keeper emphasizes, and when she sees the younger girl’s lip begin to wobble, she knows that she’s hit the root of the problem. 

“I’m twenty years old, I shouldn’t be acting this way over a penalty,” she sputters, and Lola settles herself back on the mattress, pulling the younger girl into her. 

“I don’t care how old or mature you are, you are allowed to be upset about things. I am twenty-nine years old and–” Lola starts, though the defender is quick to interject despite her sadness. 

“Aren’t you thirty-on–” Andrea is cut off with a hand that quickly covers her mouth, smothering the rest of her sentence. 

“Shush, I am in my twenties and I haven't finished speaking. As I was saying, I am older than you and I still cry about things all the time, when I feel the need to. It is natural and it is normal, just like it is to talk to other people around you. There is no rule book that says you must go through this alone because you feel that you are the one at fault for the situation. All you are doing is punishing yourself when I promise, you don’t have to,” Lola reassures, Andrea now tucked into her side, her head laying on Lola’s chest. 

There is a pause as silent tears slip down the blonde’s cheeks, as the words of the older woman wash over her. 

“I am so sorry Lola,” she emphasizes, and it’s the repetition of the word that causes the keeper to look down in confusion. 

“Why are you saying sorry to me?” She asks, a little lost on why Andrea needed to apologize to her specifically. 

“You are further along in your career, these chances aren’t always easy to come by, and I screwed it up. I blew your chance this year, and who knows if we’ll have this opportunity again,” Andrea’s voice is small, emotion caught in her throat. 

“I’m so, so sorry. Please don’t…” 

The blonde’s words trail off, but the unspoken part of her sentence is heard loud and clear. 

Please don’t hate me. 

“I could never, I promise you that. You are my teammate, but more importantly, you are my friend. I am proud of you each time you step out onto the pitch, and I consider myself so lucky to be your teammate. We win together, and we lose together. I love you far too much to ever let something like football come between us, even if it is an important match. It’s just a game, and you are…tan especial para mí,” Lola vows, feeling the younger girl curl further into her side, a sigh of relief leaving her exhausted body. 

And it was true. The defender meant so much more to her than anything that football might bring or take away, and she would much rather prioritize that than over something she knew could slip out from under her at any moment. 

“Te amo pequeña,” the older woman murmurs, leaning down to press a kiss to the crown of Andrea’s head. 

The younger girl snuggles into her further, tear tracks down her face finally beginning to dry as she settles into the taller woman. 

“Thank you Mama Lola. Te amo,” she whispers as she drifts off, disappointment now accompanied by the knowledge that she would overcome this. 

And by the fact that she didn’t have to do it alone.

[hoshiko2000]

So with production for Good Omens Season 3 officially halted, it does look like cancellation may be on the horizon. Because yeah, I really don't think Amazon would 'pause' production on a show this lucrative if there wasn't serious discussions currently going on about 'if' and 'how' it should continue. A production shuffle-up - ie. Neil Gaiman getting booted and new staff being put in charge - is certainly a possibility. But it is important to remember that this will still be a show that is written by him and very intrinsically linked to his brand. And whether fans or studios will still have an appetite for it considering this fact is something that has to be seriously considered.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that as disappointing as it would be, cancelling Good Omens season 3 may be the hard but right decision. And, frankly, if season 2 is anything to go by, we may not be missing out on too much to be honest.

But on a serious note, I do want to use this news as an opportunity to share my own thoughts on the situation, which I will do under the cut (and as is probably obvious, there are trigger warnings for references to SA).

Despite Neil Gaiman's works being a massive part of my content here on this tumblr - and yes, that is something I am very aware of- I've not posted about the sexual assault allegations up until now for a couple of reasons. Firstly, I'm a working adult in my 30s; tumblr is very much a place I come to chill, I'm far too old (and frankly, tired) to get involved in discourse or heated fandom debates (not that those are the correct terms to use to refer to rape allegations but you catch my drift). But the other reason is that these revelations have honestly devasted me, in a way that I'm still processing and doesn't feel like an exaggeration to describe as grief, a feeling I'm sure is echoed by many other people.

Neil Gaiman's works have been a massive part of my adult life, and while I know it sounds like a cliche, they have gotten me through some incredibly difficult times. Coming to terms with the fact that such beautiful, thoughtful, empathetic novels and series have been written by a rapist has been incredibly difficult.

What has also been incredibly difficult to come to terms with is the fact that the incredible queer representation that has drawn so many of us to his television works in recent years was, in hindsight, indisputably a grooming tactic. And yes, grooming is the right word.

The grooming of communities is not something that is often discussed but is absolutely a thing. Predators groom victims to gain access to them, and they groom the people around both the victim and themselves to make it seem unbelievable when the victim later comes forward. And this can happen parasocially too. In the case of Neil Gaiman, he groomed his fanbase by constructing a calculated image as vocal a LGBT ally, drawing in queer fans and creating a smokescreen of apparent empathy and kindness to cast doubt on the future allegations he likely knew would inevitably catch up with him.

I really want to stress - particularly for younger fans - that no one is stupid or somehow culpable for having been fooled by Gaiman, for having supported his works previously, and for continuing to support his works now. I myself have no intention to leave the fandoms I am already a part of, and I genuinely do not believe anyone is under any sort of pressure or obligation to do so. The separation of the art from the artist is a very tricky subject and not something that can ever be done entirely. And if I'm honest I'm not really sure how to navigate this myself, or what this is going to mean for me in the future.

But to get back to the subject of my blog, yes I am planning to continue reposting content related to Good Omens and Dead Boy Detectives. However the latter differs drastically in that the series was not actually written by Neil Gaiman and is effectively an author-approved spin-off of one of his works. Good Omens on the other hand I have more complicated feelings towards, and at this point I am not sure how I feel about future series being made, with or without Gaiman's involvement.

I'm sorry if this post is a rambling mess, it has taken me a lot of time to build up to being able to share my thoughts, and while there is a lot more I could say I will stop here. But on a closing note, let's just be kind to each other. This situation is awful, lets not make it any worse. Give space for the victims, give space for the fans, and give space to people to continue to enjoy fandom spaces without making assumptions about where they stand on these allegations. It is a hard time, but things will get better, and these fandom spaces will continue to be a positive place for people to exist online. Lets keep it that way.

[coq-ue-tte]

𝐀𝐝𝐚𝐦 𝐒𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬

-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈

(this is my first tumblr post so don’t mind me)

🕯 🧸 ☁ 🪐 🕊 🤎 🌙 📷

(𝐀𝐥𝐥 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐬𝐞 𝐰𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐨𝐧 𝐦𝐲 𝐓𝐢𝐤𝐓𝐨𝐤 𝐚𝐭 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐩𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐭)

♡❀˖⁺. ༶ ⋆˙⊹❀♡

~ SAD HEADCANNONS ~

• Lawrence felt so guilty about not going back for Adam that he used his power as an apprentice to anonymously stalk Adam’s family, find his parents and send money to them to pay for his grave or to go towards the vigil.

• In an argument with Scott Tibbs (probably to do with the new album photoshoot) he broke the last picture Adam had of his parents.

• He began smoking and doing drvgs in his early teens, and this was one of the reasons why he fell out with his parents and got kicked out.

• After everything that happened to Adam, Lawrence took up photography to help remember him.

• Larry would also go to the parking lot where they first properly met, to reconnect with him.

• Afraid of the dark.

• After the events of saw 1 (if he magically escaped) he would NEVER lock the doors to the bathrooms he would use in public, in case he got locked in one again. But it would kind of annoy you because you’d have to wait for him.

• Went to a rehabilitation camp when he was younger.

• Adam met Daniel at a ‘Wrath of the Gods’ gig. But he saw him as a little brother.

• Daniel would rant to Adam about Eric, but Adam would relate to it all because of his own relationship with his father.

• Adam would often compare himself to the attention Scott got from women, this would make him a lot more insecure and self conscious .

• The photo of Adam (seen in The Scott Tibbs Documentary) was the last remaining thing Scott got from Adam’s apartment, the rest of it was taken by squatters…

• Bailed Scott out a couple times, this is one of the reasons why he is poor.

• Definitely had that one teacher at school that he’d just linger with because all of the other people in his grade/year pissed him off.

• Taught Daniel how to skate.

• HEAR ME OHT FOR THIS ONE BECAUSE I DON’T EXPLAIN IT VERY WELL !!!

~ Scott would definitely try and get with 18 year old groupies or Yk younger, but he’d definitely try and set them up with Adam too. Adam wouldn’t have any of this illegal shit and reassure the women that he was nice and didn’t want it.

• The iconic shirt of his seen in Saw 1 was probably given to him by his dad. It’s one of the last things he has.

• Gets into fights at bars bc he RUNS HIS MOUTH. But that doesn’t mean he wins them ….

• He waited every day outside of his apartment to see if Amanda was there.

• Liked Amanda because he knew that she wouldn’t run off with Scott.

• His parents definitely tried reaching out to him, but he didn’t want any of it.

• His parents put flyers and missing poster signs to try and get their son back. But it didn’t work …

• He had such a problem with Larry cheating on his wife because I get the vibe that Adam’s dad cheated on his mom.

• Died thinking that no one loved him. But there’s probably a lil bench put in his name in his hometown.

• Stalks his exes online.

• Got arrested for stalking and harassment.

.⋆｡⋆˚｡⋆｡˚｡⋆. .⋆｡⋆˚｡⋆｡˚｡⋆.

HAPPY / RANDOM HEADCANNONS <3 (yay)

‧˚₊•┈┈┈┈୨୧┈┈┈┈•‧₊˚⊹

• Hates cheese.

• Went to a blink- 182 concert back when they were REALLY popular.

• He was close to his grandma, but when she died, he kind of spiralled (this is kinda sad but cute :))

• Donnie Darko is his comfort character.

• Gets outfit inspiration from people like Kurt Cobain and Billy Loomis. (If you know you know)

• His couch is COVERED in cigarette burns.

• Owns a tumblr account <3

• Owns a wrath of the Gods fan page. We love a supportive king.

• Owns one of those TikTok accounts that just low-key aims all of his posts about Taylor Swift and the swifties.

• Had a buzz cut back in high school.

• Definitely be one of those people like “Name 5 Songs !!! 😡😡😡” Bro would love pissing people off.

• Loved Smoking at night to Jeff Buckley’s Grace. Loved that man so much.

• Definitely a comic book collector.

• Would love all- inclusive buffets :)

• more than likely got expelled as a kid.

‧˚₊•┈┈┈┈୨୧┈┈┈┈•‧₊˚⊹

(that’s all for now <3)

[erithel]

Piggybacking off of your response to the previous ask, man can I just say what an utter clusterfuck the whole "gone" situation was follower-wise... i'm gonna make this about me so sorry about that, however i'm the kind of person that can't really articulate their thoughts, can't see through the layers as clearly as others and when people post a thoughtful analysis that reflects my feelings about the fic while the best thing I can come up with is something like "wow, fic good❤️" (which yeah I know is still fine but anyway) it makes me feel so much better because what is trapped in my head is articulated as I wanted to express it... that being said, seeing you explore ptsd and lance's grief like this stirred smth in me, I cried at times, so I was very excited to see people in your asks sharing their thoughts and all... And then they didn't seem to care so much about it (not all of them obvs) and at first it was like "hahah yeah.. we all want them to kiss xd lol" but then seeing you post about how people would essentially flood your asks for klance to KISS ALREADY™ plus with other general stuff... Idk if it was frustrating for me I can't even begin to imagine how it was for you, because this is like.. still a story, just in comic form, so yes it has an arc it need to complete. We could see the episode count from the beginning too if I remember correctly, so being so insistent about it was weird? Either way, it was a story and it was getting somewhere and spamming about when your ship will be canon is kind of annoying. So sorry this happened to you and so happy you pushed through! I binge it on the regular!

I feel like I could do a Ted Talk on the etiquette of commenting at this point, through my own experience, and also reading comments my friends have received on their work.

But essentially what it boils down to is two things:

Creators put a lot of work into their stories, and

They choose to write stories their way

The way that I write fan content (both fics and comics) is because these stories and these subjects are important to me. Some of them are very personal, too. And I know I am not the only creator who chooses to write this way.

Obviously the way I reacted to the "just kiss already" comments may have seemed like an overreaction from the outside (I thank you for being understanding in your ask btw).

But the message those constant comments were sending was a very clear one of:

All the thought/time/work you put into this story does not matter

Everyone who ever told you to "just get over it" was right

Grief can be a very physical and powerful thing.

Losing someone you love leaves you with this excess of love and affection that now has no where to go. You used to have a place to direct it, and when that place is suddenly gone, it takes a while to learn how to function again; to redistribute that love.

It's something that never goes away, it just gets manageable. And it's definitely not something you can "just get over."

I'm not saying I'm the greatest storyteller of all time, but I was tired of reading books and watching movies and shows where the characters never felt the aftermath of a loss. They all just moved onto the next episode or the next chapter like nothing ever happened.

And I do think it's important to tell stories like this in fanfiction. Because many readers are younger. Many readers rely on reading fanfiction because it's free. Many readers need hope and catharsis. And getting to read about their favorite characters go through terrible things but realistically come out on the other side is, to me, very important. Because the stories we read - no matter if they are free or published works - can stick with us for the rest of our lives.

This is why it was such a big deal for me. Because I was trying to tell a story that said "Please take your time to get over things. Please know that it's okay if you don't immediately snap back to the way things were. Please know that it's okay to feel whatever it is you are feeling." And getting comment after comment that said the exact opposite was honestly just crushing.

I would take a "wow, fic good" comment any day. Because it acknowledges what has been done, instead of demands things to speed up to suit someone else's needs.

And, on a slightly more petty note... it was a klance fan comic. It's not like they weren't going to kiss. They just weren't going to do it in the middle of an argument where it wouldn't have stuck!

(I do also think it's funny that there's a perfect comic example of a kiss happening too early, before communication which happened right around the same time as Gone. And for the record, she's gotten way more and way worse comments than I did, so that's something worth mentioning, too.)

The point is that some stories are very personal to the author and very important to certain members of the audience. Of course no single story will be for everyone, but just because it is not going a certain way does not mean it's okay to demand it be changed.

[itsdeniini]

Hi I would like to know how is sunoo as a boyfriend and what his future would be like, career wise, if that's ok 🩷 the way u format your post is so cute I could never

🧃⋆˙ᝰ.ᐟ SUNOO AS A B♡YFRIEND ฅ^.•˕•.^ฅ

OH, well... 😶‍🌫️ Sunoo is, for sure, not as easy as some of us tend to think. In a relationship, he takes two roads, one where he is the more mature and dominant one than his partner and the other where he takes a more submissive role. It all depends on what choice he will make and in what skin he will be most comfortable.

Anyway, we will look into both perspectives! ° ᡣ𐭩 . ° .

DOM ROLE 𓃥

The Emperor, The Chariot, The King of Cups

Most of the time, Sunoo brings out his dominant energy in the presence of a younger and more submissive partner. With that kind of person alongside him, he feels a stirring inside him—the need to be the backbone of the relationship and even make commands on how his partner should improve themselves as well, so they can move together further in a balanced dynamic. He enjoys having all of this power and having the situation under his control, but either way, let's not forget that Sunoo has an F personality, and that act of dominance can easily slip off because of different, even minor reasons, and that facade that he builds can crumble like a sand castle. But thanks to his strong mentality, he overcomes things well, and after crying for a bit into his partner's shoulder, he can easily regain his composure and move on from the things that give him discomfort, wanting to prioritize his lover's well-being and not show a lot of his breakdowns. He wants him and his boo to gain a lot of maturity through this relationship, even if it means going through childlike experiences or hardships. He wants it ALL. He wants to be down bad, run home to his partners sweet nothings, his love to burn red, break his back to break a smile on his lover's face, and the list goes on and on and ON... Another thing that I would like to point out is that he despises bad habits and would hate his partner to have them, as he himself sometimes gives in to some temptations. As time goes on, I also see him gain a lot of authority. There's something that will happen with him career-wise; most probably his influence in the industry will get even stronger, and that will affect his love life in the future, not excluded! But something that will never change and that he has had since his early days is the fact that he's extremely empathic and sympathetic towards the people he's close with, and that capacity of his will be expressed even more abundantly to his significant other.

SUB ROLE 𓃠

The Magician, The Knight of Swords, The Six of Wands

In a relationship with a more dominant person than him, Sunoo activates his charming and sweet demeanor. He suddenly snaps into this manipulative self that he's using for his own benefit, which is good for him because he actually got the brains and intellect to get what he wants out of a person who takes care of him more often. He wants his affect on this person to be strong, because he knows that's a big advantage of this. (This boy, even here, can't leave behind his dominant antics 😭). He doesn't like when his partner talks back to him in a mean manner or to be interrupted, so he may get sulky and even don't interact with his boo for some time, turning on a self-indulgent mentality, or other days act like he's unbothered and just, "Yeah, you've been shutting me down quite a lot lately, but you know what they say, the dogs bark, but the caravan moves on!" Like he can be SO DRAMATIC... In those moments, he secretly wishes to be put in his place after his temper tantrums; the thought of someone more mature (not necessarily age-wise) and independent doing that is intriguing to him. He also wants everybody to look in awe at his partner and then say something like, "Yeah, that's my bae. They're so strong and reliable, always handling things with their heads up." That way, he's also inflating his own ego, knowing he's under the spell of the right person, and having complete confidence in the trust of his partner because he knows they won't leave him thanks to his calculated moves.

SO IN A CONCLUSI♡N... ദ്ദി（• ˕ •マ.ᐟ

Sometimes he's hot, then he's cold; he's yes or he's no—quite the multidimensional boyfriend, if you ask me! His personality enthralls me so much because he can literally be both depending on his mood. Every day he can be a new person and act differently, transforming into however he wants, like a chameleon. And in my opinion, that is not ingenuity or dishonesty. Not everybody is built like that and can manage in both fields; that's quite the talent and a sign that he's always willing to experiment, that's PEAK open-mindedness.

[emotionallychargedtowel]

Desert Hearts rewatch notes

Desert Hearts (1985) is one of my favorite movies, but as with most of my favorites, I've gone quite a while without seeing it at times. I put it on the other day for the first time in years and took some screenshots in the hope that I might get some folks on here to give it a try that haven't, or at least bring back some memories for those who’ve seen it before. Then, when I sat down to post the images, I found I had more to say than I realized.

This was my first time watching this movie since I got into the whole BL/QL genre and I was curious to see if it would seem any different to me after a period of being more immersed in queer stories than usual. Mostly it swept me up into its own world, something this film is really good at. But I did find myself thinking at times about how aspects of it mapped onto QL tropes and more general romance tropes. I also couldn't help but see some parallels to the actual lived experiences of myself and people I know.

Queer romance tropes in Desert Hearts

Three tropes stood out at me that I've run into in the QL world, some of which I've seen in hetero romance settings as well.

Fish out of water - Vivian goes from her life as an academic in New York City to staying at a ranch outside Reno in pursuit of a "quick" divorce. (Having to spend six weeks in a strange place in order to get a divorce was "quick" by 1959 standards.) Helen Shaver, who played Vivian, points out in a featurette included with the Criterion version of the movie that Vivian has been living a very cerebral life, living inside her own head while cutting herself off from her body from the neck down. This radical change of scenery is exactly what she needs to be able to open up to something different.

There’s a similar dynamic at play in hetero fish-out-of-water romances. But I find this trope a lot more interesting in a queer context. Queer identities have a more complex relationship to difference. Among other things, characters who seem to be at home in the environment of the story often turn out to be alienated from it due to others’ perceptions of their sexuality.

Age gap (with the younger person pursuing) - Cay, who is ten years Vivian's junior, is definitely the pursuer here. This isn't a specifically queer trope per se, but it can manifest in some specific ways in queer love stories.

LGBTQ+ identity can put people on unusual timelines in their lives. (This is an idea I first ran into in a book by Jack Halberstam in undergrad.) Sometimes this means being in a more "youthful" mode later in life than cishet people. Other times it means being a particular kind of late bloomer. And so on. So with life stages not conforming to typical expectations, what does it mean to love someone you have a significant age difference with?

In the case of Vivian and Cay, Vivian may be older, but Cay is poised to initiate her into practices and feelings that are pretty familiar for Cay and totally, mind-blowingly new to Vivian. This creates a kind of role reversal. At the same time, Cay has never felt this way about a partner before, so in many ways, their relationship is causing her to have some new and intense experiences as well.

The thing where a character figures out their sexuality for the first time because their feelings toward a love interest act as a catalyst - This is certainly a trope that comes up in stories about queer romance, but it's more debatable whether it's a queer trope in the sense of a trope that is used by and resonates with queer people. I guess I'd say the theme comes up in different ways when a story is very geared toward the "straight gaze" and when it's more authentically queer. With the "straight gaze" version you get things like "gay for you." With more authentic versions, well, I don't think I've noticed many commonalities there. But I will always defend the use of this trope when it's done well in a way that centers queer experience, if only because falling for a specific person is exactly what forced me to come to terms with my own sexuality.

Side note: Speaking of coming to terms with my sexuality, it really is an indication of how deeply in denial I was about my bisexuality in college that seeing this movie for a class didn't help me figure it out. I was deeply affected by it and fixated on it for weeks after seeing it, but it didn't get through the thick shell of obliviousness I had built up around myself.

A connection to personal experience

There are quite a few ways that Desert Hearts resonates with my own experience but one really stood out to me this time around. [Spoilers ahead.] When Cay goes to see Vivian at the hotel where she’s staying after she leaves the ranch, she goes for a last-ditch, Hail Mary move—she takes off her clothes and climbs into Vivian’s bed. At first Vivian tells her to leave, but then she softens a bit, clearly interested but conflicted. Then this moment happens.

I related to this so much. When I fell in love with a someone who was (at that time) presenting as a woman and it started to look like I might actually have a chance, I had so much anxiety about whether and how I could be intimate with my crush and whether I’d be able to “perform” decently. It turns out, as we learned when we compared notes sometime later, we had each had the same worry and we’d both bought an instructional book about lesbian sex (I think it may even have been the exact same book!).

I think part of my anxiety back then stemmed from the prospect of starting from scratch with a new set of practices and skills after being acclimated to sex with men. It made me feel like I was off balance. But when I actually did get close to my crush, another, much more pleasant side to my inexperience came up. It turned out that not having a familiar script for what to do made me much more present and gave me a sense of freedom. I remember thinking that it was like going from traveling down the same old route to exploring a new place that we had to write our own maps for. And that was pretty exhilarating.

Soon after that relationship happened, I read Zami: A New Spelling of My Name by Audre Lorde. There was a passage where Lorde described something very similar from her own life. In this passage, she’s reflecting after her first sexual encounter with a woman after having a similar set of anxieties.

So this was what I had been so afraid of not doing properly. How ridiculous and far away those fears seemed now, as if loving were some task outside of myself, rather than simply reaching out and letting my own desire guide me. It was all so simple.

She’s so amazing at evoking these feelings, isn’t she?

I can’t think of any other places I’ve seen this type of experience discussed besides these two. (I’m pretty sure others exist, but the fact that I haven’t come across them suggests there aren’t very many.) There are plenty of stories out there about hetero sex performance anxiety and its eventual resolution, but I think the queer version of this kind of learning has some big inherent differences that go way beyond the genders of partners being different. So it’s really nice to see it come up here, and be handled in such a sweet way.

In case you’re wondering, once Vivian is able to “let her own desire guide her,” in Lorde’s words, she also finds that her fears were misplaced. The resulting love scene is beautifully executed even by current standards. It’s even more remarkable to see it in a film that was released in 1985. It’s equally remarkable that this sex scene was shown in rather explicit detail.

about, by, and/or for?

I'm also thinking about this movie in terms of the for/by/about queers typology that @wen-kexing-apologist came up with a while back. In my estimation, Desert Hearts belongs right in the center of WKA's Venn diagram. It's about queers, of course. I'd also place it in the "by queers" category. The director, Donna Deitch, who also co-wrote the screenplay, is an out lesbian. It's not clear whether the other co-screenwriter was queer. Her personal life was mysterious enough that it seems like a definite possibility. And the movie is based (somewhat loosely) on a novel by Jane Rule, who was also an out lesbian and whose work as a writer was very focused on lesbian characters.

I'd also consider this movie to be "for queers." It was marketed to a wider audience, of course. But as I watched some of the bonus material and looked at writing about the movie, I saw a lot of evidence that Deitch made the film for her community and they embraced it.

Shaver had a really lovely story in the featurette I watched about this. I forget the exact nature of it, but she described how she attended some kind of event with Deitch and Charbonneau where the audience was full of queer women who gave them an incredibly long standing ovation that she found very moving and helped her see how impactful the film had been.

I’m also sure Deitch had queer viewers in mind (at least in part) when she set out to fill a glaring gap in Sapphic representation. In an interview with AfterEllen, Deitch said, “My goal was to make a lesbian love story that did not end in a bisexual love triangle or a suicide. Because that’s all that had been made at the time I set out to make Desert Hearts.” (Note: I’m not linking due to transphobia concerns regarding that site but folks should be able to find it easily if they look.)

In summary…

If you haven’t seen Desert Hearts yet I really can’t recommend it highly enough.

(And yes, that’s Denise Crosby from Star Trek: The Next Generation sitting beside Jeffrey Tambor.)

[polyamorousmood]

Hello! I've been following this blog for a while and it is completely fine if this post isn't something you feel like you may want on your page. I just wanted to talk about how kinda rare it is for younger polyam people (such as myself and my partners) to be recognized, seen, and accepted by the world and those around us. I'm sure I'm not the only one with this problem but hopefully, this can reach someone and make them feel less alone.

For reference, my partners and I are all 17. We have such an established connection and an open line of communication, especially since we all pretty much started out as friends. The three of us have grown up in immigrant families with some pretty strict values and customs that make it hard for us to be our true selves around our families when we're all at an event together like a birthday or just a casual hang out. It's especially hard because 4 times out of 5, we'd need a chaperone and then we have to code switch to "bro" and "dude" and "girl" because if anyone who ISN'T supposed to know finds out, it could potentially put all of us in a situation. It just sucks because I love them both so much and I wouldn't trade them for the absolute world! If I could scream it off of a rooftop, I'd scream until aliens thought the humans were raging war. I don't want to hide the fact that my love extends past the boundaries of societal norms. I don't want to feel like I'm hiding a giant secret behind a curtain. But I can't do all of that without potentially ruining the relationships I have with my family, my partner's families, and their relationships with their own families. This is very long, I apologize but to wrap it up:

It's difficult having to pretend to only be friends in the eyes of the people we care the most about. But the kind of love and connection I have with my partners is a kind of love that I wouldn't give up, even at gunpoint.

So this is a fascinating perspective to me, and I thank you deeply for sharing it. Because I would have killed (at least maimed) to know I was poly when I was a teen. It would have clarified years of my life, it would have allowed me years more of freedom and joy. Not to mention having friends on my side from the beginning.

So its heartwrenching to hear how burdensome it is to you -- even though it makes sense.

I want to let you know these problems are not unique to young folks. Its not "kinda rare it is for younger polyam people to be recognized, seen, and accepted by the world." Its rare for all polyam people to be recognized, seen, and accepted by the world. Adulthood and independence often allows much more space, of course. You curate more of your own life as an adult, and that gives you so much more time where you can be authentic, away from people who might "cause a situation," as you put it. I don't want to diminish this, because its very important to me you are aware of this very real hope, and because I don't want you to feel I am dismissing your concerns. You will get more time to live your life as you want to live it.

But unsupportive parents stay unsupportive (I haven't told mine). Fears of teachers becomes fears of bosses, landlords -- hell, banks. If living in a close community, polyamorous folks still go out on group dates "as friends" and say babe "in jest." There is still risk.

I don't say this to discourage you. Rather the opposite: You are not alone in your experience of having to tamp yourself down. Every polyamorous person I know has felt that or still feels that, and is still living a rich, full life. They are loving their partners💗. They feel unconstrained 🕊️ in those spaces they have carved for themselves. They do all of this despite the difficulties, and it remains worth it.

[fyonahmacnally]

Keys to My Heart

“Hey, Alex.” Kara calls out as she walks into their shared apartment, a confused look on her face. She drops a small cardboard box onto the island in the kitchen and starts rummaging through it. “Look at all the things I found on the rooftop. It’s weird. It seems like something appears every day. I can’t figure out where it’s coming from. No one goes up there except for me. Well, except our friends when we have parties, but you know what I mean.”

The tell-tale crinkle makes its appearance on the blonde’s face as she continues to pick up each item. She fervently sifts through the rooftop haul mulling over the possible origins in her mind. Surely no one in their apartment building is dumping random objects onto their roof, right? She thinks. Nah, It can’t be on purpose. Why would someone put coins and keys up there? Oh, there’s even a ring! Someone has to be missing that, right? Right?!

Alex leans her head back to glance over the back of the couch into the kitchen to see what her sister is going on about. The redhead can see her sister pulling things out of a box with a very bewildered look on her face. When she sees some of the items strewn across the countertop, she can’t help but laugh. She can already tell this is going to be one of those conversations. She sighs and takes a deep breath before pushing up off the couch. 

Kara’s incredibly intelligent. When it comes to science, languages, math, history, and almost any other academic topic, she is one of the smartest people around. However, the younger Danvers is sometimes lacking in the more practical knowledge that usually comes from interacting with the world and experimenting with boundaries as a teenager. Unfortunately, Kara didn’t really do any of those things. Her little sister led a pretty sheltered life in a remote country before her parents passed away when she was 12. Then, she was so traumatized when she was adopted that the Danvers may have been a bit over-protective. Yet another thing that didn’t do her any favors in collecting the ‘practical knowledge’ she needed to navigate the world. 

“Whatcha got there, Kara?” Alex bemused, wondering what the blonde is going to respond with. “Are you collecting random things off the street? We don’t have much space in the apartment so you can’t go full hoarder on me.” She chuckles as the crinkle on her sister’s forehead gets more pronounced and her head tilts like a confused puppy.

Kara sighs, dropping her chin to her chest before raising her head and her brow at her sister. “Really, Alex? I just told you when I walked in that I found all of this on the roof. You know I’ve been going up there everyday for the past few weeks to feed the crows.” She grins at her sister as they stand side-by-side combing through the loot. She picks up a set of keys and the ring to present to her sister. “They like it when I feed them and I like spending time up there. Anyway, these two things seem to be the most valuable of the odds and ends I found. Someone is surely upset about missing their emerald ring, but the keys to a BMW? Pretty sure someone is outright pissed about that.” 

Alex grabs the BMW key fob and key chain from her sister’s palm, looking at it for any kind of identifying information. “You know, you can take this to any BMW dealership and they can get it back to the owner. These fancy fobs store the car’s service information.” She sits the fob back on the counter and picks up the ring, inspecting it for engraving or some other identifier. “The ring is personalized too. You might be able to post online that you found it and that there is an inscription. The owner will know what the inscription is.”

“That’s a brilliant idea, Alex! You’re so smart.” Kara smiles and starts packing all the little trinkets back into her box. Midway through, she stops and looks at Alex again. “Where do you think this stuff came from? We never see anyone up there and I’ve never run into anybody when I feed the crows. Plus, there isn’t anyone that lives in our building that drives a car that fancy. I mean, maybe someone from one of the office buildings across the street, but how would it get on our roof?” She tilts her head to the side and furrows her brow in thought.

Alex has an internal debate about whether she should tell her sister about crows and their gifting behaviors. On the one hand, it would put an end to the ongoing confusion on her sister’s face. On the other hand, this could be so damn fun to watch. She’s in need of some good entertainment. Her life has been kind of empty since she and Maggie split. She grins, she can’t pass up this opportunity to mess with her sister. 

“Odd. Not sure how those things would get on our rooftop. You sure there hasn’t been anyone else up there?” She watches her sister finish packing her little collection back into its box and drift off into thought. “I mean, sure you haven’t seen anyone, but that doesn’t mean someone hasn’t been up there. You said most of the stuff just started showing up this week, right?”

Kara nods her head. “Yeah, I haven’t noticed anything until this week. I fed the birds on my lunch break Monday then came back down to finish my afternoon at work. When I went back on Tuesday during my break, there were coins and shiny rocks. Today when I went up to feed them, I found the ring and key fob so I just grabbed everything.” She scratches her head and looks back at her sister. “You don’t think someone is stealing things and leaving them on our rooftop to come back later, do you? I mean, I don’t think that would be a very practical thief, but I can’t think of anything else.”

She does her best not to outright cackle at her sister, but she can’t hold back her laughter so she attempts to turn it into a cough that ends up sounding more like a combination of a horse and a pig. Trying to retain her composure, she clears her throat and slides her hands across her face to shield her amusement. “Why don’t you give it another week and see what happens? In the meantime, you can post the ring on Facebook in one of the neighborhood groups and walk over to the BMW dealership down the block to see if they can find the owner of the fob. Maybe by the end of the week, you’ll have it all figured out.”

The blonde smiles and slides the box off the counter to carry to her bedroom. “That’s a good idea, Alex. I’ll get this mystery solved one way or another!” Kara excitedly stomps off toward her bedroom as Alex just shakes her head in fondness at the adorable idiot.

“This is going to be fun to watch.” Alex giggles to herself and her sister practically skips down the hallway. She should probably feel guilty for entertaining herself at Kara’s expense and maybe she will, but right now, it’s just funny to watch. As brilliant as her sister is, she thought she would have read all about crows. Apparently her curiosities don’t extend to the birds she feeds everyday. Giggling again, she heads back over to the couch to resume her evening, looking forward to what the next week brings in her sister’s bird saga.

Lena is running late. Her morning started with a 6:00 a.m. phone call from a client she never wanted to represent in the first place much less speak with before she’s had her goddamn coffee. Then, Lillian shows up at 7:30, knocking on her door. They are supposed to be having lunch at The Italian Affair, a new restaurant that just opened downtown, but her mother felt the need to ‘check in on her’ via an unplanned house call for a reason she still hasn’t been able to decipher. 

Now, she’s driving in downtown traffic trying to get to the office while sipping on a coffee that is definitively not what she ordered. She sighs, exasperated. She knew better than to stop at the chain store and not her normal little coffee shop. Checking her watch again, she groans, at this rate, she is not going to make her 9:30 meeting on time. A perfect way to top off her annoyingly frustrating Thursday.

She presses the call button on the steering wheel of her BMW M8, rolling her eyes at the traffic as she crawls through downtown. “Call Jess.” She speaks into the cabin of the car. 

The line rings three times before her assistant’s voice fills the interior. “Luthor & Lane, LLP, this is Jessica speaking. How may I assist you?”

“Good morning, Jess.” Lena drawled. “Has Ms. Arias arrived yet? My morning was derailed by Mr. Langley and followed up with an unplanned visit from Lillian. Now, I’m stuck in traffic.” 

Jess chuckles. “Sounds like your Thursday morning started with a bang, Miss Luthor.” Lena can hear papers shifting in the background before her assistant continues. “Ms. Arias hasn’t arrived yet, but I will put her in the small conference room if she arrives before you do.”

Lena lets out a sigh of relief. “Is there anything else I need to know? Did you confirm my reservations with Lillian for lunch today?” She glances around the car in front of her, hoping this traffic will suddenly vanish. At times like these, she wishes she had the ability to portal to places instead of driving.

“Your lunch reservation has been confirmed for 12:30.” Jess hums as she shuffles through the messages on her desk until she finds what she’s looking for. “Most of the messages can wait until you get into the office, but I did get a call from National City BMW earlier. Someone turned in your fob yesterday. I scheduled a courier to pick it up and drop it off this morning so you should have it by the time you arrive in the office.”

“Thank, fuck!” Lena huffed. “I still can’t figure out how in the hell they disappeared. Lucy and I were sitting on her balcony on Monday discussing a case. They were sitting on the table next to my laptop. We stepped inside to get food and when we came back, my keys were gone. We were inside for less than 10 minutes, Jess! How can they just disappear like that?!” She throws her hands into the air in frustration.

Jess laughs, she can imagine her boss with a scowl on her face and gesturing wildly inside her car. “At least someone found it. The gentlemen said all the other keys were still on the ring as well. Don’t forget to return the spare to the safe this afternoon in case you need me to bring it to you again.” She does her best to stifle the smile on her face, but is sure that her boss can hear it in her voice.

“Go ahead and laugh, Jess. I know you want to.” She jokes. “If it was you in the situation, I’m sure I would be laughing as well.” She shakes her head and smiles. The situation is amusing, even if it is still perplexing. 

She finally arrives at the office with 5 minutes to spare before her 9:30. Fortunately, Ms. Arias was stuck in the same traffic as she was and hasn’t quite made it yet. She sweeps into her office in a whirlwind, dropping her bag next to her chair and plopping herself into it. Already exhausted and her day just started. 

Lucy peeks her head around the corner into Lena’s office with a questioning look on her face. “You okay, Luthor? You seem a little…frazzled.” She makes her way inside her friend and business partner’s office, easing into the chair in front of her desk as if trying not to startle a cornered animal. “Jess said you had quite an eventful morning. She also said your fob got returned to the dealership. What’s the story there?”

Lena huffs and leans back in her chair, crossing her arms over her chest. “Yes. My morning has been annoying. I still can’t figure out what Lillian’s angle was this morning. She rarely ever makes surprise visits unless she is scheming.” She groans and drops her head back into her plush leather chair. “I really hope she isn’t trying to set me up on another one of her well-intentioned blind dates again. You remember what happened last time.”

A loud and boisterous belly laugh erupts from Lucy’s small frame. She leans forward in her seat and slaps her thigh with amusement. “Oh, you mean the one with the guy that you said looked like Eddie Munster and Napoleon Dynamite had a baby? What was it you said he talked about the entire time?” 

The mirth shining in Lucy’s eyes made her lips twitch up in a smile, but she did her best to hide it. Lena narrowed her eyes at her best friend and cocked her head to the side. “Well, that’s difficult to say, Lane. The first half of the meal was about his collection of troll dolls.” She rolls her eyes and glares at Lucy. “Then, he spent the rest of dessert going on about the appropriate temperature of the storage unit he keeps them in to prevent any moisture or condensation.”

Lucy laughs heartily, oblivious to her friend’s annoyance. “Yes, that’s the one! I cannot believe your mother thought you would be remotely interested in that guy. She has to know your type by now, Lena. All of the men and women you have dated are leagues different than that guy.” She shakes her head and dabs the tears of laughter from the corners of her eyes. “Speaking of, you never told me what she said when you called her out about that set-up?”

“Oh you know, the typical Lillian response of ‘he’s from a good family, dear’ and ‘he’s a little eccentric, but he’s nice’... the usual.” Lena throws her hands up in surrender. “I just want to meet someone who’s honest, fun, and a little nerdy. Is that too much to ask?” She sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose.

“People like that don’t just fall from the sky, Luthor. You actually have to go out and mingle in the real world for that to happen.” Lucy chuckles. “It’s not like a bird is going to pluck you for the sidewalk and drop you into their arms! Live a little, Luthor.”

A soft knock sounds on the open door to Lena’s office as Jess peeks her head inside. “Ms. Arias is waiting for you in conference room 2, Miss Luthor. Good morning, Miss Lane.” Lucy smiles and nods at Jess before taking her leave. “The file you need is on your desk underneath your messages. Would you like me to sit in on the meeting?”

Lena grabs the file and flips through it quickly before grabbing her coffee and promptly sitting it back down after remembering how terrible it was. “Yes, I would like you to sit in on the meeting, but can you get rid of that atrocious excuse for coffee and grab me some from the kitchen on your way?” 

“Of course, Miss Luthor. I will be right behind you.” Jess smiles and quickly disappears as Lena takes a deep breath, heading to the conference room for her first meeting.

Kara sighs. It’s been a really long morning filled with nonstop work on a sci-fi novel from one of her newer clients. As much as she loves her work, she needs to take a break. She left a high paying corporate investigator job after she got burned out. Too many years of 60+ hours a week on top of her side job. She’d spent years doing proofreading, copy editing, and ghost writing on the side for extra money. After a while, it started bringing in more work than she could keep up with. After her burnout at her corporate gig, she decided she wanted something different. Here she is working from home, choosing her own clients, and making her own schedule. It’s nice. 

Plus, she still picks up the occasional corporate investigation client too. Mostly work for attorneys. Well, one attorney, really. Lucy Lane. She and Lucy became friends when her cousin Clark started dating Lucy’s sister. They don’t see each other much, but they do text regularly and Lucy’s office is across the street from her apartment so when they work on a case together, it’s very convenient. That reminds her, she needs to check in with Lucy so she sends the brunette a text before she looks back at her computer screen with a huff of exhaustion.

She’s been working non-stop all day and her eyes are starting to feel crossed from staring at her screen for so long. She’s almost done with this manuscript so she’s been trying to power through until the end. The desire to get it back to her client before the end of the day has been driving her, but it seems her eyes have other plans. Leaning back in her chair, she groans as her back pops and cracks after being in the same position for hours. 

“Okay. I need to take a break.” She says to her empty apartment. Shaking her head and laughing she pushes herself away from her desk. “And now I am talking to myself.” She swings by the kitchen to grab the leftover Italian food from the fridge and pop it into the microwave. Then she gathers the things she needs to feed the crows and sits it next to the door. Once she has everything she needs, she heads to the roof with her lunch to take a much needed break and to feed her new bird friends. She briefly wonders if she’ll find any random treasures up there today.

When she opens the door to the rooftop, she smiles. The sun is bright, the sky is a sparkling blue, and the little plants she brought up here give the area a nice little pop of color. There’s also a little table in the corner that has a little umbrella that she stashed up here. That’s where she heads to eat her lunch and enjoy the nice mild weather. She’s just barely finished her lunch and is basking in the sun's warm rays, when the first of the crows makes an appearance. 

Kara smiles. She reaches down and grabs the food she brought for the birds and makes her way over to the edge of the building. For a moment, she just watches the majestic creature. Their eyes meet and Kara realizes how much intelligence the crow’s eyes hold. There is an understanding there that is almost startling. She holds her hand out, her palm filled with fruits, nuts, and vegetables. As many times as she has fed the creatures, she’s never offered it from her hand and she’s interested to see what happens. She can tell the bird is hesitant, but she’s got all the patience in the world. 

Her patience pays off. The crow she has affectionately been calling Raven in her head slowly steps closer to her hand and quickly grabs a piece of fruit before hopping away to eat it. That happens several more times before more birds show up. A peel of laughter bubbles inside Kara’s chest and floats past her lips as the birds eat from her hand. She’s placed more food on the ledge of the building and just watches with wonder as they feast on the treats she brought. The blonde settles in to watch the interactions and antics of her new pals.

Lena is frustrated. This day has been trying her patience from the start. Her last client meeting ran 30 minutes longer than it should have and now she is running late to meet Lillian for lunch. One of the things her mother hates most is tardiness. Her relationship with Lillian hasn’t always been stellar, but they’ve managed to get along reasonably well since both Lionel and Lex are gone. That doesn’t mean Lillian’s snarky tendencies don’t still shine through at times. Of course that generally brings out her own snark and sarcasm - something Lillian has always frowned upon. It still occasionally gets a little nasty between them, but they’ve learned to rein it in over the years. 

When she finally gets parked and makes her way into the restaurant, she can see the irritation all over her mother’s face. She pauses at the hostess station and takes a deep breath before making her way to the stoic woman. Pulling out her chair and taking her seat, she smiles across the table at her mother and apologizes for her tardiness. Surprisingly, there are no petty comments or snide remarks. That alone makes Lena feel uneasy. 

They make it through the meal without any underhanded remarks or any snarkiness. It isn’t until Lillian is signing the receipt for their food that the real reason for her mother’s presence at her home this morning is finally revealed. 

“So, are you seeing someone?” Lillian asks, a neutral look on her face. “Francois mentioned you have been coming home late a lot recently.”

Lena does her best to contain the urge to roll her eyes at her mother, but they have a mind of their own and she feels them nearly roll into the back of her head. She pinches the bridge of her nose for what feels like the 100th time today and sighs. “Mother, why are you talking to the doorman of my building about my comings and goings? No, you know what, I’m going to be filing a complaint. He has no business speaking to anyone about my private business.” She glares at her mother. “Including and especially you.”

A small gasp escapes Lillian as Lena rolls her eyes again at her mother’s feigned offense. “I’m just a concerned mother worried about her daughter’s well-being.” She places a hand on her chest for added effect, again causing Lena to roll her eyes. “Don’t take it out on Francois. He probably thought you talked to me more about your life.” 

“Mother, stop being nosey and stop probing into my private life. I am not seeing anyone. I don’t need your help getting dates and I’m perfectly happy with my life.” She sighs and starts gathering her things to escape this personal inquiry before it turns sour. “In case you have forgotten, I co-own one of the most successful law firms in the city. I don’t have time for your meddling in my personal life. Now, if you will excuse me mother, I need to get back to work.”

They both stand and give their customary air cheek kisses before they part ways. Lena mumbles under her breath about her meddling mother the entire way back to her car and throughout the drive back to her office. She lets out a breath of relief when she parks in her space next to her office building. Finally, she can get some peace from her busybody, gossipy mother. Deep down, she knows that Lillian is trying to show that she cares, but there are so many other ways to go about it. Why she is suddenly focused on her love life is something she can’t figure out. At least she has escaped it for a few more days. She leans forward to press her now throbbing forehead onto her steering wheel and prepares herself for the rest of her busy day.

Grabbing her bag and her keys, she steps out into the glowing sun of the breezy afternoon. She wishes she could bask in the warmth of the rays for a bit before she steps back into her office, but work awaits. Locking her car, she steps onto the sidewalk heading to her office. Her phone starts ringing so she steps to the side and pauses at one of the benches along the sidewalk. Sitting her keys beside her bag, she fishes her phone out to see Lucy’s face staring back at her. 

“Hey Luce, what’s up?” Lena says just as a black bird lands next to her bag on the bench. It startles her a bit, but she doesn’t think much about it. “I’m almost back in the office. I’m on the sidewalk out front.”

She barely gets those words out of her mouth before the creature staring at her from the bench snatches her keys and takes off. At first she is so stunned that she can’t speak. That quickly morphs into a tirade of profanities that has Lucy laughing.

“Lena, what the hell is going on?” Lucy chuckles again.

“Dammit, Lane. It’s not funny! A goddamn bird just flew off with my fucking keys!” Lena angrily spit back at her through the speaker. “I’ve gotta go. I think I know where the little thief went.”

Lucy was still laughing pretty hard on the other end of the phone. Lena just growled and hung up. She was pissed. It makes her wonder if this is how her keys disappeared on Monday. They were sitting outside on the patio table at Lucy’s apartment and the apartment wasn’t far from here. It would make sense if the little thief snatched them and flew to the building across the street. From the looks of it, there is a whole family of what appears to be crows hanging out up there. Regardless, Lena had to get her keys back. 

She tosses her phone into her purse, zips it up, and secures it onto her shoulder. Preparing herself to march across the street and get her damn keys back from that thieving little bird. When she makes it across the road and into the lobby of the building, she finds the elevator out of order. Of course it is, she thinks. That’s par for the course on this shitty day. By the time she gets to the top floor, 6 flights of stairs later, she is out of breath and even more pissed than when she started. 

Kara is having a blast feeding and interacting with the crows. They’re so much more intelligent than she imagined. She’s long since run out of food to give them, but they seem to be chatting amongst each other. It’s interesting to watch their social behavior and which ones seem to be the ‘leaders’ of the group. She’s just considering going back down to her apartment to get back to work when one of the crows lands on the ledge in front of her with something shiny in its beak. 

“Whatcha got there, little fellow?” She coos at the bird. It seems to cock its head sideways in understanding and hops forward to drop the object in front of her. “Oh no. Oh no.” She gasps and looks around the roof. There are several more little gifts up here that weren’t here earlier. It suddenly clicks in her head. The crows have been bringing her ‘gifts’ for feeding them. And it appears they really like this set of keys since she is almost positive it is the same set she just returned yesterday. 

She looks up at the bird still eyeing her. “Um, I do appreciate the presents, buddy. I promise, I do. But, uh, you probably shouldn’t steal people’s keys.” Kara bites her lip. She feels really bad, but has no idea what she is supposed to do about it. “I’m going to have to turn these keys in again and the dealership is either going to think the owner of them is irresponsible or I am some type of odd thief.”

Kara has just finished her one-sided conversation with the bird and is about to head downstairs to walk the keys back to the dealership when the door to the rooftop slams open. It’s so loud that it scares her and sends all the birds scattering into the air. She spins around. One hand flies up to her chest while the other darts out in front of her in some form of protection or surrender. She isn’t sure which. Either way, the keys are dangling from the middle finger of her outstretched hand. 

Her eyes lock onto a pair of the most stunning and mesmerizing eyes she has ever seen. When she finally manages to shake herself from the hypnotizing depths, her own eyes scan over dark inky raven locks pulled back into a high ponytail, pale porcelain skin that seems to glimmer in the sunlight, a jawline that could cut glass, and a curvy, suit clad body. She’s suddenly drinking in absolutely the most ethereal, captivatingly gorgeous woman her eyes have ever had the privilege of seeing. Her brain screeches to a halt and all words promptly vacate the premises. 

Lena throws the door open, her anger simmering under her skin like a snake ready to strike. This is just the icing on the cake of her shit day and she’s ready to fight. Well, she is until she makes eye contact with ocean blue eyes filled with sunshine and starlight. Her body is shocked into stillness. Her heart, previously racing with adrenaline and anger, starts racing for another reason entirely. Her mind starts drowning in the depths of those soulful pools of deep blue sea. Slowly, she shakes herself free from the gaze as her eyes track up to loose blond curls, then back down to full, pouty pink lips, strong broad shoulders, to what appears to be her keys sitting on long tanned fingers, and further to muscular, jean-clad thighs. This is certainly one of the most handsome women she’s ever laid eyes on and she suddenly forgets what she came here for.

Eventually, Kara’s brain seems to unscramble itself and she clears her throat. Keeping her hands up in what she hopes is a peaceful gesture, she takes a step toward the mystery woman. “H-Hi. I’m, um, Kara. K-Kara Danvers. I’ve never seen you in the building before. Do you, uh, live here?” She glances around, suddenly feeling incredibly nervous. “I’ve, um, met most of the people in the building before and uh, I w-would have remembered m-meeting you. I’m sure of that. Y-You’re v-very p-pretty.” She snaps her mouth shut and can feel her cheeks burning as she lowers her eyes and starts to fidget with her hands.

That’s when she remembers the keys in her hand. “Oh. I need to take these to the dealership again.” She says, removing the key ring from her finger and moving to put them in her pocket. “I’m sorry. You didn’t need to know that.” She chuckles nervously, feeling the heat climb up her neck.

A smile crawls across Lena’s face. This woman, Kara, is adorable. She can’t help but be enamored with this incredibly cute and undeniably attractive blonde. “I’m Lena. Lena Luthor.” She steps closer, continuing until she’s roughly two feet in front of the endearing stranger. “And I am pretty sure those are my keys.” She chuckles and points at the hand that is now fidgeting with the dangling keys. 

“Oh! OH!” Kara says and turns her hand over to offer the object to Lena. “The, uh, the crows brought them to me.” She points over her shoulder to the empty rooftop behind her. 

Lena laughs, takes her keys, and nods her head. “Yes, I know. The little bastard stole them right off the bench across the street when I was trying to grab my phone.” She dips her head down to gather herself, trying to will herself not to blush from the simple brush of their skin in the exchange of the keys. Raising her eyes back to the blonde, she smiles in amusement. “I’m guessing this is the second time my keys have made it up here? You’re the one that returned them yesterday?”

“Um, yes. That was me.” Kara giggles, this was not what she expected to happen today. A gorgeous stranger whose laugh makes her soul smile, whose eyes make her heart dance. “I’m sorry my little crow buddies keep taking your keys. I didn’t even know they would do things like that until today.”

“Yes, they are incredibly smart animals. I’ve watched a few documentaries about them. They’re pretty fascinating.” Lena blushes again. She internally face-palms. Why is she saying things like this?! Get a grip, Luthor. You know how to talk to pretty women without being a complete dope. “Sorry. I watch a lot of documentaries. I’m a big nerd at heart.”

Kara beams, a giant toothy grin. “I love documentaries! I’m a big nerd too. We should watch something together sometime and compare notes.” She snaps her jaw closed again and feels the heat claw its way up her chest, her neck, and onto her cheeks. She drops her head and stuffs her hands into her back pockets before swallowing hard and forcing her eyes back up. “I mean, if that’s something that you’d like. You don’t really know me and I realize that might seem kind of weird so feel free to just ignore that if you, um, want to.” 

Before Lena can stop herself, she is reaching on to place her hand on Kara’s bicep. She bites her bottom lip when she feels the bulk of the muscle under her palm. She quickly shakes her head and removes her hand. “It’s okay, Kara.” She clears her throat and smiles, feeling her cheeks heating again. “I think I’d like to compare notes sometime.”

She glances at her watch and curses internally. “Unfortunately, I have to get back to work right now since I found my keys.” She jingles her keys and drops them into the purse as she digs out one of her business cards and passes it over to Kara. “But, I’d definitely be okay with you calling to set something up.”

The blonde's eyes go wide as she takes the card and glances down at it. A small gasp escapes, her eyes bouncing between the card and Lena several times before a toothy, lopsided grin fixes itself on her face. “You’re Lucy’s business partner!”

Lena tilts her head and raises a brow in question. “Indeed, I am. She’s also my best friend. Do you know Lucy?” It would be just her luck that she meets this gorgeous woman and she’s already had an entanglement with her best friend. That would track perfectly with the days she’s had. “I don’t remember ever meeting you before. I’m sure I would remember you.”

“Lucy and I have known each other for years. Her sister is married to my cousin, Clark.” She smiles at Lena. “Plus, I’ve done some work for her on a few corporate cases. I used to be a corporate investigator with Jones Investigative Services. I still do some contract work for her occasionally. To be honest, I am surprised we haven’t met before now.”

The raven haired attorney is stunned. She’s heard Lucy talk about Kara, but never knew her last name or saw a picture. While Lena and Lucy have known each other since law school, they never really spent much time around each other’s family by design. They both have complicated relationships with their families and liked that they could commiserate about it with each other while keeping it separate. Now she’s mad at Lucy for keeping this beautiful woman from her for so long.

“I’m surprised we haven’t met before either. I’ll have to give Lucy a hard time about that.” She winks at the blonde and steps back toward the door. “I really do have to get back to work though. I hope this isn’t the last time we talk.”

“I hope not either.” Kara says as she watches Lena disappear down the stairs and fixes her eyes on the business card in her hand.