#literally one major make or break for a writing program for me is the ability to have bullet points

[nexus-nebulae]

fun fact so i have a tendency to write all my long rambly thoughts into bullet point format because it's literally one of the only ways my brain can process information. like if its just text my brain stops working but add a Little Dot and suddenly everything is fixed. ???

[ravnicaforgoblins]

Ravnica for Goblins

Alignment

Figuring out where on the spectrum of beliefs, morals, and neutrality your character falls can be a challenge. One individual’s Chaotic Good is another’s Lawful Evil. To help clarify things, most campaigns include alignment for significant NPCs, and one can often draw a line between that NPC and that alignment. This doesn’t apply to every NPC, but the more important someone is, the more they come to represent a specific section of the moral grid in a campaign.

Ravnica does this as well, with most of the alignment chart represented by a Guildmaster. This isn’t completely uniform, however, so there’s wiggle room for an NPC to lean one way or the other as fits the story. There are some pretty safe bets, however, who can be counted on to check certain boxes at all times.

Isperia of the Azorius Senate: Lawful Neutral

Isperia represents the goal of the Azorius; objective devotion to upholding the laws as they are written. She was elected to her position because of her ability to look passed right & wrong, instead focusing solely on interpreting Ravnica’s 10d6 of Psychic damage legal system for all disputes.

Lazav of House Dimir: Neutral Evil

Lazav is the Dimir at their most annoying but least murderous. Blatant disregard for everyone’s privacy, but preference for stealing, secrets, and information over assassination. Lazav infiltrates every Guild, including his own, always determined to stay several steps ahead of any potential threat. This is not to say he won’t kill people if necessary, but his is a cold, “bloodstained calculus” methodology. It’s never personal.

Rakdos of the Cult of Rakdos: Chaotic Evil

On this plane, Rakdos is the living embodiment of Chaotic Evil, a title he takes very seriously. It’s just about the only thing he takes seriously, as he prefers to live without rules and have everyone else do the same. Unrestrained hedonism and mayhem are his bread & butter. You do what you want, whatever you want, whenever you want, however you want, regardless of what anyone or anything else says. No restrictions, no inhibitions, no hesitation. Encouraging this kind of destructive chaos in the streets is the only thing keeping Rakdos from embracing more orthodox Chaotic Evil behavior of slaughtering millions, enslaving thousands, and bowing to no one.

The Obzedat of the Orzhov Syndicate: Lawful Evil

Hard to believe there can be something worse than an actual Demon given permission to encourage every sin imaginable, but that is what the Ghost Council are. The Obzedat exist to stretch, bend, and twist every law designed to maintain order, neutrality, or justice so as to benefit themselves. What’s worse is how the Orzhov play innocent when they do it. Unlike the Dimir or the Rakdos who accept and even embrace society’s interpretation of their actions, the Orzhov refuse to be seen as anything but humble, spiritual, gracious public servants. The very antithesis of what they actually are; arrogant, miserly, manipulative bastards. They will point out exactly which laws they are not breaking, which laws there is insufficient evidence to prove they are breaking, and which laws prevent you from punching them in the face right now.

Trostani of the Selesnya Conclave: Neutral Good

If there’s one thing to be said for Selesnya, it’s that they are rarely the problem. The Conclave is perfectly content to keep to their fields & forests most of the time and focus solely on building up their own Guild. In a city where every Guild has a problem with every other Guild, Selesnya is the only one who at least tries to get along with everyone else. They don’t tend to get involved in matters that don’t concern them, but theirs is always a safe haven for those who seek it. Trostani is made up of three dryads representing Harmony, Life, and Order. You don’t get much more Neutral Good than that. The only problem is that Trostani basically never leave their Guildhall, so their influence only spreads so far. The reason they can live so peacefully is because so little of the chaotic city life overlaps into theirs.

Besides them, everyone has wiggle room and gray area to move around in. Both Niv-Mizzet and Borborygmos are canonically Chaotic Neutral, but with their most prominent personality traits being vanity & anger, respectively, the “Neutral” part of that can go out the window quick. Still, almost every Guild has at least a semblance of a position somewhere on the chart to start from. You can basically count on a member of each Guild to be at least:

Azorius Senate: Lawful

This is the Guild that writes the laws of Ravnica, after all. They literally draw their power from this ancient legal code, so it makes sense that, whether an Azorius leans more towards Good, Evil, or Neutrality, they do so lawfully.

Boros Legion: Good

If the Azorius follow the intellectual letter of the law, the Boros follow the passionate spirit for which said law was originally written. Justice, not legal-ese. Sometimes the law is good enough, but sometimes it fails its citizens. A Boros should be an inspiring force for Good, whether Lawful or Chaotic depends on the individual.

House Dimir: Neutral

The best a Dimir operative can hope to achieve, morally speaking, is neutrality. If you are working for this Guild, you are lying & stealing. Odds are you are infiltrating another Guild to find/steal information to report back to your superior(s). Not every Dimir agent does this willingly, however. Maybe a character only became a Dimir operative after finding out their mentor was. Maybe a character had nowhere else to turn and no one else to depend on. Maybe they just needed House Dimir’s connections to get them close enough to someone in another Guild who wronged them. Whatever the motivation, cling to that gray area of neutrality like your life depends on it. It’s all you’ve got.

Gruul Clans: Chaotic

Gruul are many things. “Lawful” is not one of them. If you’re a member of a Gruul Clan, you’ve definitely got a bit of a temper on you and a strong disregard for authority. Now, a Gruul can absolutely be a force for good, or, conversely, evil. Maybe you joined the Gruul after your ancestral home was bulldozed over for a smelly Izzet facility. Maybe you had a mental breakdown after decades of trying to uphold law in a city where the laws mean jack shit unless there’s a guy in blue sitting at his desk. Maybe you got tired of planting trees and getting stepped on. Maybe you don’t like the pretentiousness of so-called “artists”. Maybe you just like hitting things. Whatever your reason, the Gruul will welcome another anarchist.

Golgari Swarm: Chaotic/Evil/Neutral

The Golgari Swarm are the first Guild where you’re really going to find a lot of diversity in alignment. Some definitely fall into the chasm of Chaotic Evil Necromancers, others stand firmly in the fields of True Neutral Rot Farmer, and some idly wander between the two. Necromancy is pretty normal in Golgari society, and “Evil” can be considered a harsh word to describe it. It’s definitely more normalized in the Undercity than it is on the surface. A lot of typically Evil behavior is like that for the Golgari, lest we forget that this society of giant bugs, necromancers, zombies, medusa, etc also run the sewage system and food stamps program for the city. That said, there are definitely Golgari with sufficient ambition/motivation to become ready-made Big Bads. What is a Lich, after all, but a wizard who says, “No, I’m too important to die!”

Izzet League: Chaotic

If there’s one predictable aspect of the Izzet, it’s that they are unpredictable. For a Guild whose founding principle is “I wonder what would happen if....”, it’s best to accept that you’ll never be Lawful. Your job, as it is, is to look at laws (nature, physics, etc) and poke at them with electrodes to see what happens. Your focus will always be on things that haven’t been written down yet, as opposed to what already has. It’s almost literally impossible to be Lawful and Izzet for that reason alone. As far as Good, Evil, and Neutral go; that’s up to the individual. This experiment could replicate food so we never have to eat Golgari rations again! Or it could replicate essential personnel to prevent understaffing! Or, it could even replicate.... ME (cue maniacal laughter).

Orzhov Syndicate: Lawful

The Orzhov, like the Azorius, draw their power and influence from the laws of Ravnica. Evil is expected, though not mandatory, but Lawful is a requirement. An Orzhov who doesn’t know their way around Ravnica’s laws is a loose end, and the Orzhov don’t allow loose ends to jeopardize their schemes & ambitions. One can absolutely be a Lawful Neutral Orzhov, also known as an Accountant, but such individuals rarely find their way into a life of adventure. A Lawful Good Orzhov can exist, but your greatest adversary will be the large majority of your Guild who sees you as a potential threat to their illicit activities. In which case, you’ll want to know those laws even better than they do.

Cult of Rakdos: Chaotic

Chaos is mandatory, evil is encouraged. By “Evil”, we mean “things people tell you are Evil”. Anything you would do while drunk you should be able to do at all times! There’s really only three rules in the Cult of Rakdos:

Rule #1, Rakdos is #1

Rule #2, JUST DO IT

Rule #3, Don’t be boring

Being Neutral breaks Rule 3, being Good breaks Rule 2 and/or 3, and being Lawful breaks all 3 rules. Which reminds me of the fourth rule:

Rule #4, NEVER break Rule #1

Truthfully, being Chaotic Good or Chaotic Neutral is perfectly fine as long as you don’t impede on someone else’s hedonism without a reason, or lack thereof. As long as you’re being free & crazy, that’s what really matters.

Selesnya Conclave: Good

As stated with Trostani, Selesnya is a pretty consistent force of Good, if nothing else. They don’t really do hate, you know? Life in the Conclave is pretty uniformly Good, so why make trouble? Why can’t everyone just be Good? In short; ‘cause they don’t wanna, none of your business, go hug a tree, and/or because fire is FUN. Lawful fits some individuals but can just get in the way for others. Neutral is pretty solid but some things must call you to act. Chaotic is if you really want to embrace being a Nature Warrior in a planet-sized cityscape. Selesnya is the Guild for goodie two-shoes, as if that’s a bad thing.

Simic Combine: Any

The Simic Combine is the one Guild that can honestly fall anywhere on the alignment chart. The Guild started out as Doctors, Naturalists, and preservers of life. Now it also operates large-scale bioengineering. You can have a Lawful Good Simic Paladin committed to preserving life and health, a True Neutral Simic Forcemage (Druid) dedicated to living a simple life bolstering plant growth, or a Chaotic Evil Simic Wizard who has decided on everyone’s behalf that flippers and gills are now mandatory. Just like science can be used for great Good, great Evil, or mundane routine, the Simic Combine can turn its experiments to any purpose, depending on the individual. And whereas the Izzet are firmly Chaotic, the Simic have the foresight to think ahead before they try an experiment. You can be anything you want in the Simic Combine, just plan it out.

[liltaz-asatreat]

27, 34 and/or 35 for the weird questions?👀

From this ask game here! <- Feel free to send some in!! :D

27. Who is the most stressful character you’ve ever written? Why?

One Mrs. Julia Burnsides lmao Only because the only context I've written in her point of view is the Julia Survives Ravens Roost AU (I need to come up with a name for that eventually alskdhgslkh), and the reason that's been stressful is because I still don't have a clear idea of what I want her character arc to be. It's been easier writing short scenes that pop into my head bouncing all around the Balance campaign in general, but trying to sit down and write chapter one is really hard. Now that I think about it, it could also be because it's Here There Be Gerblins, and there's a lot more table talk than character banter and everything was very surface level and no one knew each other, but either way, it's been stressful, yo lmao I need to actually go back and figure stuff out though because I'm dying to be able to actually start sharing it sldkghdlgkh

34. Thoughts on the Oxford comma, Go:

You will not be able to rip the oxford comma away from my cold, dead hands. I will hold onto it with a grip of death even as I rot away underground. It is the only thing standing in the way of making a sentence unreadable, and I will rain down a thousand curses on people who try to take that away

35. What’s your favorite writing rule to smash into smithereens?

You know, I'm not entirely sure of all the nit-picky prescriptivist bullshit rules I break on a daily basis, I just know of a few that I do try to follow most of the time, but oho boy do I apparently have a bone to pick with fucking grammarly

Long rant short, I don't use grammarly, but my mom does since she went back to school and actually started having to write papers again. At one point, she wanted to interview me, and I wrote down some answers through text which she typed directly into her word document, then when I came over a short time later, she asked me to reword it because I had basically just written down run-on sentence notes to her. She also wanted me to look over her paper in general. So I sit down and read her paper, and... I don't want to be too critical of my mom because she's already really self conscious about her writing abilities, but I feel comfortable saying this because apparently this is mostly grammarly's fault: They were all simple sentences. There was no variety what so ever; it read like something an AI would type out. There was no voice, there was no flair, and at first I was like, okay, whatever, she hasn't been writing for too long, and she's getting good grades, so this is understandable. But then I tried to edit my answers and grammarly kept saying that what I was typing was wrong and unreadable even though I was using rules I've learned since middle school. I should also mention, not to toot my own horn, but I've been writing for literally as long as I can remember, I went through all honors and AP classes and got really good grades in those classes, and I was an English major before I dropped out of college. I fucking know my shit. That shit was super readable, and if I had listened to this stupid fucking computer program, it would have had me cut everything down to fucking first grade level sentences that don't move of flow fucking anywhere, and when I brought this up to my mom, she said she writes how I write, but because she uses this fucking computer program, her papers end up like how she wrote everything in the rest of the essay. And she gets really good grades, so she didn't think that much more of it.

So I don't know what fucking bullshit rules grammarly says I'm breaking, but God damn if I won't do everything in my power to break that fucking program with my bare fucking hands. Sucks the soul out of fucking everything I hate hate hate it.

I just realized how intense most of this response is, and I'm sorry for that lol I'm just really passionate about the oxford comma and a computer program that I was in contact with for all of less than 20 minutes whom I now have a seething hatred for alsdghlgh

[vozvrate]

winter guard #1 or WHY AREN’T YOU FLYING THE PLANE?????? LIKE I’M SURE YELENA IS A FANTASTIC PILOT BUT YOU LITERALLY HAVE ONE SKILLSKET THAT SUPERCEDES ALL OTHERS AND THAT’S YOUR FUCKING ABILITY TO FLY A PLANE MY GO D-

Leads: Alexei Shostakov aka Red Guardian & Yelena Belova aka White Widow. Characters: Carol Danvers, Black Widow, Crimson Dynamo, Red Widow, Vostok, Perun, Chernobog, Vanguard, Darkstar & Ursa Major. Mentioned: Jennifer Walters aka She-Hulk. Teams: Winter Guard & Avengers. Programs: Red Room and Wolf Spider Spec Ops. Written by Ryan Cady

Background: Jennifer Walters aka She-Hulk was arrested by the Winter Guard for crimes against the Russian government, assumed kidnapped and tortured, and any agent affiliated with the Russian intelligence community who disclosed anything about Walters’ arrest will be prosecuted or otherwise punished by the Russian government. The Avengers are incredibly invested in finding Walters and opposing the Winter Guard.

We start off in the Avengers Secure Holding Facility in an undisclosed location in the Pacific Northwest. Yelena Belova is being interrogated by Carol Danvers under suspicion that she worked with the Winter Guard involving Walters’ arrest.

The Wolf Spider Spec Ops group attempts to break her out in order to capture or kill her for her assumed admission to the Avengers regarding Walters and she escapes in the process. Before a Spider can kill her Black Widow gets her out on the back of her motorcycle (this is sapphic culture we stan) and takes Yelena to her San Francisco Base of Operations where Natalya informs her that the Winter Guard is at war with the Avengers and that her reluctance to join sides means she will continue to be a Person of Interest to the Avengers.

(She’s referred to as the White Widow multiple times??? I’m not sure what the basis for this is, I haven’t read enough comics with Yelena to know if this is a new thing, but it does put her in direct thematic contrast to the main baddie of the comic: Red Widow. However the whole Black Widow, White Widow, Red Widow thing is giving very much Suess energy.)

Yelena discloses to Natalya that she’s working alongside Alexei because they have similar interests in the motherland and that their mission did not involve anyone else, including the Guard, or at least it wasn’t supposed to. She doesn’t want any of the Guard dead. Her relationship with the Guard here I believe is supposed to be a reference to the broader theme of Yelena’s (& many Russian people’s) complicated and nuanced relationship to her homeland as well as a storyline that hasn’t been revealed yet.

Mikhail, Ursa Major, is revealed to have been killed, although not by an Avenger, but at the hands of “Red Widow,” a mysterious Red Room graduate that Natalya describes as possibly inhuman. The main story of the comic begins as Yelena agrees to tell Natalya why “Alexei and I went home...and why I do not hate the Winter Guard.” 

Three weeks before...

Yelena and Alexei are working together to break into a highly secure base in order to steal mission details for something called Operation Snowblind, the Red Guardian’s last assignment.

Red Widow is shown working for the Security Council and leading the Winter Guard.

As she’s assigning the task of hunting Yelena and Alexei down she describes Alexei as the U.S.S.R’s “failed response to Captain America,” “declared MIA after the Cold War,” and “resurfaced in the United States after rotting away for years in prison.” But also frames him as a childhood hero for most of those present at the meeting. She describes Yelena as “Yelena Belova aka White Widow, aka Black Widow, aka the Red Room’s second biggest mistake.”

There’s a throwaway line where Red Widow mentions that the Winter Guard doesn’t question orders. But several members like Darkstar, Crimson Dynamo (the defacto leader), and Ursa Major express discomfort at their assignment.

Crimson Dynamo aka Dmitri Bukharin comments that hunting down Yelena may be in their purview but that Alexei was a national hero and he didn’t agree to lead this new iteration of the Winter Guard to be a hit squad. Vanguard aka Nikolai Krylenko seen above in red, says Alexei may never have been someone to idolize and if he was, that person is long dead and that those who looked up to him should be the ones to bring him down anyway.

Alexei and Yelena recover the hard drive containing information on Operation Snowblind. Yelena is skeptical of the hard drive’s worthiness of the impending fight with the Winter Guard and Alexei responds with the Russian proverb: “What the pen writes the axe cannot erase.”

Yelena engages the Winter Guard while Alexei secures an “exit strategy.” The only remarkable thing from the fight was this weird interaction between Mikhail and Yelena (and yes, Mikhail, as in the guy Natalya said the Red Widow killed 3 weeks from now):

I’m holding out hope but the stereotyping so far is either purposeful in order to be refuted and used later but right now it’s in place of Mikhail having an actual personality. I have no earthly, yawning fuck why it was necessary to mention that Yelena smells like Alexei in this other than bearlore but ok. Reading forward this dynamic can be inferred, at least to me, as a very close friendship or allyship that eventually turned adversarial as Mikhail and Yelena continue to snipe at each other’s choice of work:

This is interesting twofold: one, we have no idea what Operation Snowblind is and why it would make Yelena choose to forgo her usual operational mystique in order to obtain the hard drive, but from what is shown in Widowmakers she’s disillusioned by the government and contract work in general and may be moving onto more loftier pursuits in the name of the Russian people. Two, it’s interesting in a story building sense because Yelena’s love for her country being directly at odds with that country’s love for her is very relevant in modern Russia:

WIDOWMAKERS PANEL 1:

WIDOWMAKERS PANEL 2:

...i digress.

During Yelena’s fight with the Guard Alexei is doing something with the hard drive (???) and is interrupted by Vanguard, who’s wearing an iteration of the Red Guardian’s OG suit, he then boomerangs the kid through a window which was funny. But if I have to suffer through this boomerang again after waiting until 2019 to get a proper shield I’m rioting.

I simply hate him, your honor. 

Anyway, Alexei reveals there’s a traitor in the Winter Guard who’s helping him, he then presses a button and blows up Crimson Dynamo. Darkstar appears like she might have gotten to Dmitri quick enough but I think the implication is that he’s dead or critically injured.

Red Widow pursues Alexei and Yelena as they run to the plane, but Yelena incapacitates her. From the following panel I think that Red Widow and Yelena are going to become dedicated enemies moving forward.

The issue ends with Yelena chiding Alexei for murdering or attempting to murder Crimson Dynamo. From what Alexei says, Operation Snowblind has something to do with the “enlightening of superheroes” which he describes as “rarely a painless process” therefore murder is justifiable, I guess?? It’s still not clear if the spy working with Alexei is Red Widow or someone else entirely.

I didn’t mind this issue. Clearly it's attempting to tie in different themes from the film in order to pull in the movie’s audience, but I don’t hate it. What I’m getting more nervous of is another fucking villain arc for Alexei. They appear to be setting him up as a foil for Yelena: Modern Russia vs Soviet Ideals. I really hope this isn’t the case or if it is I hope he’s redeemed in a way that doesn’t involve another death. 

The next issue is released September 29.

[sankyeom]

belle’s 2020 tumblr wrap up

i almost didn’t make one of these because i lost my laptop charger on my flight home to california and i didn’t want to type this out on my phone but after being tagged in so many people’s wonderful end-of-year messages (thank you @sunlightwoo​ @heartyyjeno​ @atbzkingdom​ @chaoticdeobi @xfirebenderx @fairyoftbz​ and for including me thus far 💗) i decided i had to join this beautiful love fest and end the year on a good note! 

m i l e s t o n e s  (personal and for the blog) ✨

◇ on february 17th 2020 i started stanning (and eventually ulting) the boyz!   ↳ this is important because i had been listening to the boyz’s music since no air era, but never watched their videos or learned the members’ names. after stanning the boyz, i was introduced to my beautiful deobiblr, which is such a warm and welcoming community. i met most of treasured mutuals through this community and honestly don’t know what i’d do without it!

◇ on april 23rd 2020 i reached 1,000 followers on my blog!     ↳ this was very special to me because i have previously reached 1k followers on many different platforms (quotev.com, wattpad, a different tumblr blog, etc.) but after not writing for a long time i was worried people wouldn’t like my writing anymore or that i wouldn’t be good at it after taking a break. reaching this number was surreal for me and it made me realise that i wanted to study creative writing in university, which i am now doing!

◇ on may 30th 2020 i graduated high school!   ↳ i graduated with honours and a 4.0 along with a lot of life-long friends that i had made in the two years i spent at my competitive, college-prep private school. i faced a lot of hardships but eventually got through it and i am a better person for it. congratulations to all the graduates who didn’t get the graduation they all dreamed of, you did something spectacular this year!

◇ on august 24th 2020 i started university as a creative writing major!   ↳ 2020 was a crazy year for everyone and it made picking which uni to go to really hard, but there was one uni in particular that loved my admissions essay and wrote to me personally saying they would love to have me in their creative writing program, which really touched me and interested me in this uni. i’ve always been someone who finds academics really important so i had gotten multiple scholarship offers from different “higher ranking” universities, but i was able to learn what was important to me in picking a school that would both foster my learning and make me feel at home.

◇ on september 21st 2020 i got my first ever B on a test!    ↳ and i was really happy about it. in high school i strived to get 100% on every test and would have panic attacks when i got even a single point off. i wish i was joking, but that’s the truth. i’ve always been a perfectionist and i wanted to have a more healthy relationship with my personal expectations in university. being in uni helped me to pace myself academically and learn to juggle doing fun things – like this lovely blog – alongside studying. i still managed to get all As in my final grades for this semester, but i really loved letting myself get Bs and take breaks. 

◇ on october 18th 2020 i reached 2,000 followers on my blog!   ↳ if you read how important reaching 1k to me was, you can probably guess how amazing and emotional this was for me. not only did i have enough followers to fill three of my high schools, but i had made a lot of friends at this point, and that was so special to me. i had also never done a special series to celebrate a milestone, and as i stand here on december 31st with 2,457 followers, i have yet to finish my 2k celebration due to taking a short break from writing. don’t worry though, it’s all coming very soon!

◇ on november 29th 2020 i reached 1,000 notes on a masterlist!  ↳ facade? was my first social media au masterlist to reach 1,000 notes and when that happened, it truly blew my mind. i have no words to describe how special that moment was for me. a lot of people loved it because they resonated with the main character or because they found all the plot twists fun, and i really love that so many people enjoyed it and gave it a chance, despite the general plot being quite common.

◇ on december 7th 2020 i reached 1,000 notes on a fic! ↳ he loves me, he loves me not was my first one shot/fic to reach 1,000 notes and my second fic ever to reach 1k notes, which was literally crazy. so many people have reached out to me about that fic and how much it resonated with them and their experiences, and i just loved that this was the first written fic i ever had reach 1k notes because of the emotional implications.

m u t u a l s 💛

i have so much love and appreciation for you all, it’s unreal. i’m a very shy, often times insecure, and quiet person so i have a hard time reaching out to people. this means that minimal interactions actually mean a lot to me, so please never think that i don’t love or support you guys just because i’m a little quiet. that being said, here are some mutuals who i have gotten to know better in 2020 and a little love letter for you each 💌

@xfirebenderx

💌 nani, you were one of my very first mutuals here on tumblr back when i ulted seventeen and literally never spoke to anyone or interacted with people other than the few anons in my inbox. you made me feel comfortable and welcome here on tumblr, and i’ve always seen you like an older sister figure because of that. your enthusiasm and support are often times unparalleled because you never hold back anything and i am in awe of how lovely you are. thank you for having my back this year and making me feel so supported! 🌟

@chaoticdeobi

💌 bea, you’re such a ray of sunshine and brightness in my life and on my dash, i’m in awe of how much of a social butterfly you are! you were one of the reasons i started writing for the boyz because i felt excited when i read your fics and i was extremely impressed with how immersive your writing was (and still is!). aside from your amazing writing abilities, you’re truly someone who i feel comfortable with even though we haven’t spoken that much privately, and you have an amazing gift of making people feel accepted and at home. thank you for being a wonderful brightness in my life this year! 🌼

@heartyyjeno

💌 alesha, i’ve said this to you many times before but i truly treasure you as a person and as a friend. you are without a doubt one of the most supportive and uplifting people that i’ve met on tumblr, and i can always rely on you to make me feel like i’m loved and a good writer, especially on days where i feel like i’m neither. i know that 2020 has been a struggle for you and i wish i could have done more to support you, so i hope you take this love letter as evidence of how loved you are and how much i cherish you as a person and as a friend. thank you for being my rock this year! 🌷

@httpsohnpouts

💌 rosie, you are someone who is very dear to me and i always feel so lucky to be your friend! we’ve spoken quite a bit this year and i loved getting to know you and finding out we stan/ult so many of the same groups! i loved gushing over dark haired eric, seunghoon from cix, and blackpink’s comebacks with you this year so much because it made me feel much closer to you! you’re always one of the first people i send love chains to on tumblr and i just really appreciate your lovely energy every time we interact. thank you for being a caring friend for me this year! 🌹

@stealerz

💌 qiu, first of all your url change is absolutely adorable and i’m a huge fan. second of all, your writing is so stunning and it was also another reason why i wanted to start writing for the boyz this year! you’re somebody who i often see on my dash and try to interact with, and it always feels a little surreal when you gush over my writing because i look up to you in that sense. you are such a lovely friend who i don’t talk to very often because i’m shy, but i feel like you’re always around to remind me that you support me and just make me feel loved here on tumblr. thank you for being an inspiration to me and sending me so many cheerful love chains on tumblr this year! 🌻

@neoskidz (i wasn’t sure which of your blogs to tag so i’ll add @chocolattees just in case)

💌 elsie, i always feel undeserving of your hype and excitement when you comment on my fics or leave me lovely asks in my inbox to sing my (absolutely undeserving) praises. you’re someone who seems very bright and warm-hearted so i always feel comfortable around you, and i only wish i could have praised you and given you as much love as you did for me in 2020. i love when you randomly pop up in my inbox and i love to hear about how you’re doing because i feel like it’s the least i can do to show you that i support you and am always interested to hear what you’re up to! thank you for reminding me that friends can come from anywhere and for always being so compassionate this year! 💐

@deobienthusiast

💌 k, i always look forward to when you reach the latest chapter of my social media fics because i’m always living to hear your reactions to them! i always feel so lucky that you interact with me and reach out so much because i’m shy and it makes it a lot easier for me to talk to you and actually get to know you. i love that we stan so many of the same groups and can always gush about cix and the boyz together, especially when we tag each other under any posts that have to do with blond baejin. you are honestly someone who i feel very relaxed with because we talk so often and have so many of the same interests, i really appreciate your presence in my life. thank you for being someone who i can talk to about my fics and all of our bias wreckers this year! 🌈

@atbzkingdom

💌 dee, i’ve said this before but you’re a literal ray of sunshine to me and you warm me up like the sun with all of our interactions. i always love to hear your comments about my fics because you never hold back and always unleash so much excitement onto me that i can’t help but reciprocate and allow myself to get super hype and happy. you have an ability to make me open up and actually feel excited about my friendships here on tumblr and my own writing, which can be really hard for me sometimes. i’m blessed that you look up to me and i have to say that i absolutely look up to you as well, in more ways than just your writing! thank you for being my personal hype-man and helping me come out of my shell this year! ✨

@lsangyeons

💌 yu, i think you are seriously so damn talented it’s actually unbelievable. not only are you an amazing writer but your designs, sketches and other amazing works of art are just so inspiring and i find it incredible that you’re so multifaceted. you’re always someone who i think very genuinely wants to know how i’m doing and is always ready to catch up and share what you’re working on with me, and i find that really illuminating and fun because you’re so talented. thank you for reaching out to me so often and making me feel comforted this year! ❄️

@fairyoftbz

💌 rosy, i am totally kicking myself right now for not reaching out as often as i wanted to because i feel like we get along well and we could be really close if i wasn’t so shy and bad at keeping up with my asks/mentions. i think you’re a lovely person and i’ve felt so fortunate to have gotten to know you better this year. as i mentioned before, you’re a very thoughtful person and i look forward to getting to know you better in 2021! thank you for being a supportive friend to me this year! 🪐

@sunlightwoo

💌 gina, i adore you, and that’s the absolute truth. i’ve been so happy that we were able to connect this year and become friends because you are a fiercely supportive and lovely mutual to have. i have to thank the kpop gods for getting you to start standing the boyz so we could meet and be friends after all this time. i love how you yell and gush about my fics because it makes me feel like i’m actually writing something people like and not just rubbish that i come up with in my head, and you make me feel grounded and supported, which i can only hope to reciprocate just as enthusiastically to you! thank you for being a fiercly kind and supportive friend to me this year! 🌠

here are some people who i haven’t interacted with much (because, like i’ve said, i’m terribly shy and don’t interact with people much in general (feel free to reach out though i would love to chat 🥺)) but still wanted to mention! i love and appreciate you all for replying to my posts, recommending my fics or just posting really amazing content here on tumblr for us all to enjoy, and that i’d love to get to know you better in 2021!! @1ovejisung​ @jenoleeaesthetic @thepixelelf​ @honeycobie​ @tbzwurld​ @meltingjukyu​ @mae-gi-writes​ if i’ve forgotten everyone i’m terribly sorry but also very jetlagged and bad at keeping track of my friends xx

a n o n s 🦋

i’m grateful to everyone who joined my anon list this year and i’ve genuinely enjoyed all of our interactions so much! i wanted to give a short thank you to a few specific anons but i also love my other anons, 🐝 anon, 🧸 anon, 💫 anon, 🦋 anon, 🥯 anon, 🍇 anon, 🌜 anon, 💒 anon, and 🦕 anon a lot and appreciate you all! thank you for joining my anon list and i hope we can continue to get to know each other in 2021!

🤍 anon 💌 you always check on me and ask me how i’m doing, and i feel so comfortable around you it’s like talking to a friend. we always talk about anything and everything and i appreciate that you’ve been such a constant in my life this year!

🌱 anon 💌 my sweet deobi 🌱 anon! i love gushing about the boyz and my social media fics with you, it’s always so fun to see how passionate you are and it’s honestly everything to me.

🐹 anon 💌 you really feel like a sibling or a friend to me because you’re always telling me to take care of myself and encouraging me to take breaks and be happy. i want everything that you encouraged me to do for you as well and i hope that you take care of yourself and stay healthy/safe!

🐱 anon 💌 literally the absolutely king/queen of getting involved in my fics and gushing to me about how every chapter made you feel. i love seeing your responses and i’m always so touched when you leave me simple messages telling me to have a good weekend or asking me to be your friend. we are absolutely, 100% friends my love!

🔮 anon 💌 you’re my most recent anon but i feel like we’ve known each other forever now! we talk quite often and i always love it when i see the little 🔮 emoji in my inbox because i love how enthusiastic and understanding you are. thank you for deciding to join my anon list so we could become closer!

f o l l o w e r s   a n d   r e a d e r s 💘

i doubt that all 2,457 of my followers are going to see this, but i’m going to write this as if you all will anyway. thank you for being here and for caring about my content enough to hit the follow button. numbers don’t mean much and are quite arbitrary, but i still think that it’s amazing that there are 2,457 of you cuties who put up with me. to those of you who don’t follow me but read my fics/like and reblog my posts, thank you. i personally see those things as small praises and/or appreciations for my efforts and i wish i could tag you all here to tell you that i love and appreciate you, but tumblr won’t let me and i think most of you wouldn’t want that either. i couldn’t make a love letter to the people that shaped my 2020 without addressing all of you, so i hope that some of you decided to give this a read. i appreciate you and i want you here, healthy, and safe on this planet. please take care of yourselves as i would love to take care of you. x

[marahope-things]

I think the similarities that people are finding between Adora/Catra and Mara/Light Hope are less to do with the relationships being the same internally (as in, in terms of the dynamics between the two characters) and more to do with the fact that their stories deal with a lot of the major themes of the show, because the two pairings embody a LOT of the major themes of the show between them.

I don’t think it’s an accident or any kind of misrepresentation that the two relationships have parallels, but as someone who enjoys Mara/Light Hope A Whole Lot, while being pleased but more or less happy with how Catradora is presented in the show and not feeling a need to go beyond that, I want to unpick why, and what some of those differences are.

Partly because I think people make broad, thematic-level arguments about why a pairing is attractive to them, and for me, there are a lot of intra-relationship or interpersonal dynamic elements that have more bearing on why I like a ship. And it’s hard to frame in a positive light, but with Catradora, they already engage with some relationship dynamics that I’m a huge fan of (namely, rivalmancy, childhood-friends-to-lovers, and enemies-to-lovers).

The big similarities I see people picking up on are: The mind-control thing, and the "you deserve love too"/"you’re more than what you can give to other people" exchange.

And these are extremely valid parallels! They touch on two Extremely Core messages of the show! They’re very real! And you’re correct—those parallels do mean something about Mara and Light Hope, about their importance to the show and its message. Mara and Light Hope embody many of the show’s core themes, and I am glad people are starting to write about that!

But I find myself sometimes feeling like that’s… not quite the reason why I like the pairing. Y’know?

So, with the caveat that this is just my feelings about the pairing, and probably literally everyone who ships either Catradora or Marahope has a different opinion than me in some way or other, I want to discuss the major differences between Catradora and Mara/Light Hope as I see them.

Because we started liking these ships before we saw the themes that they’d be used to embody in the end, right?

Breaking it down

What Adora and Catra have is a rivalmancy, essentially—especially when they’re first introduced.

Even when they’re on the same side, they have a competitiveness to their dynamic, and part of what drives their split is that Catra, on some level, resents Adora for getting all of the things that she wants, but can’t have, because of (basically) Shadow Weaver—and then abandoning both it and her. It’s a rivalry between peers, fellow soldiers, and there’s a colossal amount of abandonment issues and emotional trauma involved as well. They’re also both close to the same age.

And they were raised together. They spent their formative years extremely close, and their split has a lot in common (probably intentionally) with painful adolescent splits that happen as people grow up, change, grow apart, and (sometimes) come back together. It’s quite moving!

Mara and Light Hope aren’t peers in the same sense; you get the sense that they started out more like co-workers, and their eventual split only happens because Light Hope has their mind wiped and their ability to choose taken away from them (Catra, on the other hand, makes a lot of choices that put her and Adora at odds, often intentionally). The two of them work together and depend on each other, and they become friends, and their roles are complementary. Literally neither of them could do the other’s job, and they depend on each other’s skillset and resources to stay safe and fulfill their own duties effectively.

So they meet as fully-formed (relatively) people in a professional context and become closer, rather than being together for those formative years and undergoing a separation as they change and discover they don’t fit the same way they used to.

There’s also an implication that Light Hope may have trained other She-Ras in the past. I don’t know how long Mara expected her tenure as She-Ra to be, but it seems like that could be a lifelong commitment, once she’s been chosen. If so, then that could imply that Light Hope’s "age" (though I don’t know if that’s something anyone would even keep track of for an AI, because they weren’t supposed to change and “grow” like a person) is on the scale of centuries by the time she meets Mara.

And even if you headcanon them traveling to Etheria together immediately after Light Hope was minted, they’re still not really anything like Catra and Adora in their dynamic. The development of their relationship has a lot more in common with interspecies or human-AI relationships in sci-fi—Terminator, Andromeda, and Killjoys come immediately to mind.

I’m also intentionally including platonic relationships here, like John Connor and Uncle Bob in Judgement Day, too, because this is such an established trope, and touches on some of those Core Sci-Fi Questions that exist in the genre—about the nature of life, consciousness, sentience, individuality, and choice. It’s not just in a romantic context that you see humans and AIs ruminating to each other about what beauty is, why people find flowers “pretty”, what it means to have free will, to feel emotions, or to be an individual. Hell, you can even include Data from Star Trek in that list.

But it is also something of a trope for AIs to "fall in love" or develop special bonds with humans that they work particularly closely with, or for humans to fall in love with AIs (sometimes they go more Pygmalion with the latter and cast the human as the AI’s creator).

Which brings me to the core trope being engaged in Mara and Light Hope’s relationship, one that Noelle has actually alluded to in their remarks during the "Exit Interviews" streams:

Relationship makes Light Hope more than their intended purpose.  

Memory and programming

In one of the streams, Noelle states that the writers’ room made the decision that something about Etheria "broke" the people who have tried to conquer it, and kind of made them part of itself (God this show has Star Wars all over it). He uses several examples, including Hordak.

Hordak, however you feel about him, develops a sense of individuality that makes his re-assimilation into the greater Horde impossible. Like Light Hope, he remembers things he isn’t supposed to, and on being presented with a physical reminder of Entrapta and his relationship with her, Horde Prime’s conditioning begins to break down.

Over the course of her arc, Mara comes to realize that being She-Ra means something more than her superiors have told her, and on realizing what her superiors are doing to Etheria, concludes that She-Ra, and all of Etheria, are being exploited and need to be protected from the First Ones. So, by betraying the First Ones (breaking her oath to them), Mara fulfills her role as She-Ra.

And Light Hope falls in love with Mara, something she was never supposed to be able to do. In the end, it is the memory of Mara that allows Light Hope to break through her programming long enough to allow Adora to destroy the Sword.

I know I brought up how AIs gaining sentience and self-will is a trope within sci-fi, but the best recent example that I can think of off the top of my head (and the reason I was able to articulate this at all) is actually The Good Place, with Janet.

In The Good Place, successive reboots are the in-universe mechanism that allows Janet to grow and change—but it’s her relationship with the other core characters that shapes who she becomes and what she believes. In fact, if she hadn’t been stolen and rebooted so many times in the first place, she never would have become who she did at all.

So: Like the rest of the cast, relationship makes Janet more than she was originally intended to be. Relationship makes Janet whole and fully alive. Light Hope’s story is, um, a bit more tragic, but I think the comparison works.

Catra and Adora, on the other hand, are dealing with a separate problem(/s): Catra’s pain and abandonment (and Adora’s self-abandonment) as a result of what they endured growing up, and the angst of childhood friends growing up and growing apart. It fits very squarely within the parameters of She-Ra as a kids’ TV show.

To boil it all the way down, their relationship *is* the problem. And it takes the whole show to fix it.

What’s suggested by the (sparse) textual evidence on Mara and Light Hope is that their relationship followed a more well-worn sci-fi path: By becoming friends with Mara, Light Hope learns how to be in relationship with another person, how to make her own choices, go against her programming as needed—how to have fun and appreciate beauty and being. Her falling in love with Mara is, metaphorically, her learning how to be alive in the world. Through loving Mara, she gets a glimpse of a world beyond being someone’s instrument, someone’s tool.

That’s part of what’s so heartbreaking and beautiful about them: In the midst of a situation that’s that’s built on deception, concealment, and coercion, where both of them appear to have been lied to or denied the entire truth by their superiors, where Mara, Light Hope, and the entire planet of Etheria are considered expendable by their superiors as long as they get their shiny weapon, Mara (who seems to understand that there’s more to life than duty and heroism) creates a space for Light Hope that is free from the constraints of her programming, to a degree. And as a result, Light Hope changes.

If Light Hope is a villain for her role in all of this (and this is complicated by the fact that she’s a programmatic being created for a particular purpose), then loving Mara is part of what makes her redemption possible. Her relationship with Mara makes her more than a weapon. In fact, it breaks her as a weapon.

And there’s certainly elements of that in Catra and Adora’s relationship, but it’s not the throughline that it is for Light Hope and Mara until you get to season 5—a full three quarters of the way through the show.

Love also doesn’t play as positive of a role in Catra’s redemption arc, really (where her parallels to Light Hope would be the most obvious), both because her villainy is something she explicitly chooses, and because her internal conflict and pain regarding her feelings for Adora are so much a part of her villainy. It only becomes redemptive in Adora’s struggle with the Failsafe—i.e. when we get back into the world of the First Ones, where most of the themes of "destiny" live.

So yeah. That’s the breakdown. I want to get into the individual tropes, but I’m going to have to save that for another day.

[steveandbucky]

I don’t understand if ur serious when u say that you’re anti fatws (esp bucky) lol???? for real?

yeah i think he’s not bucky. OOC. and like, not for stupid shit, but when it comes to stuff that matters. i always thought bucky has a solid moral compass (similar to steves). i mean just from what we’ve seen in canon, idk if this is just my own intrepratations, but anyway, i don’t agree with his actions, i dont agree with him asking sam to put his safety on the line with the ‘you helped steve with the accords i think you should help me’ ok bucky you were taken in as a refugee by an untouchable nation, sam was put into a supermax prison steve had to break him out of, and then was on the run as a fugitive for two years. the absolute NERVE.

and like, the man he breaks out of prison is z*mo? really? that’s his ABUSER. i don’t understand why no one else seems upset by this. that’s not bucky. OOC. if he wanted any help from z*mo, he could have asked for him to help from behind the bars he very much deserves to be behind. if he refused to help, oh well, too bad, buh bye. i dont understand who thought this was a good idea. are we forgetting z*mo intentionally triggered bucky into going into his winter soldier programming, which resulted in bucky killing again? the thing he did not want to do? he literally says, over and over again, ‘i dont do that anymore’ and ‘i dont want to kill anyone’ and ‘(resigned) wheres the fight’.

im not gonna describe *that scene* that triggered me very badly, if you dont know what im talking about im sorry but i cannot physically write the words. but im very very upset at the writers for a throwaway line that implies past sexual abuse* knowing FULL well the majority of their demographic who like bucky/identify with him are in fact women/afab, and like, going by the statistics alone, would find something like this 1. triggering and 2. a slap in the face. just, for why? what purpose did that line serve, actually? was it necessary? for plot progession? (*though, i maintain, z*mo doesnt know shit, he’s being a dick bc thats half his personality, and talking shit bc thats the other half of his personality). but yeah. one of the major reasons i dont like whoever it was that writes bucky in this show.

another thing, the obsession with the shield? putting all that blame onto sam? i mean... i understand he’s upset about being abandoned by his best friend (and arguably only friend, i guess?) but like. shut up about the shield. shut up about the shield!!! where’s the ‘the little guy from brooklyn, im following him’ like bucky never gave a shit about captain america. whats going on through his head actually? bc like.. if there’s things he’s not saying, we won’t fucking know about them, will we?

i honestly dont know what the writers are doing, i don’t know whether they’re completely misunderstanding his characer, or trying to foreshadow bucky going to the dark side, or whats going on. bc at this point he looks more like an antagonist at the very least, if not outright villain.

the only accurate bucky content i have seen so far is like, him and sam acting like a married couple, him making nerdy references, and the flashback scene in wakanda which is the only time i have seen sebastian stan actually acting.

i don’t know who this fool is, but it’s not bucky.

as for the show in general, im not liking what im seeing, and no i dont need to watch it to form an opinion. not gonna put myself through however many hours of mediocre content. i never had high hopes about it, but this half-assed storyline with the flag smashers (clearly a poor attempt at portraying antifas as the enemy), the super soldier serum, the dollar store captain america, z*mo??? why is he even here????

sam not having enough of the spotlight...in his own goddamn show... like. idk. i think he deserved something of his own. a better storyline. something that’s about *him*, his life, his struggles. with bucky as his sidekick. sam, pretending to be too sensible to run into crazy shit, bucky, resigned, being dragged along, being sam’s wingman, his support. *thats* their dynamic. from what i have seen about sam’s scenes, he seems to be more or less in character, imo, but i just... feel like he’s being sidelined. in his own show.

THE THERAPY/THERAPIST. I hate EVERYTHING about it. from her demeanor, attitude towards her client, not addressing him by his preferred name, her judgmental tone/statements, her belittling/dismissing bucky’s pain, her ‘rules’ and just. everything. everything. for ONCE i would like to see an ACCURATE portrayal of therapy in media. because it’s the opposite. the exact opposite of this. there’s a long thread from twitter i reblogged that goes more into detail, but i think like, it’s one of those things that really piss me off. therapy is about creating a safe space, putting your patients comfort first, listening, empathising, not judging, not mocking, not disrespecting, helping your patient open up, help them recover and make progress at their own pace. i mean. its so disgusting to see this. i’ve never had professional psychologist training, not as part of my degree or anything else, and i wrote a fic with steve going to therapy that’s 100% better than this bullshit we’re being served (and at the time i wrote the fic, i had never been to therapy, only counselling, which is very different). how come? why cant they, with their budget and their resources, their ability to conduct extensive research and even hire consultants, not do a better job with this part of the show? disappointing. truly.

maybe i don’t know exactly what’s going on, plotwise, or whatever, but like, if i dont like what i’m seeing, why would i invest more time to find out more about the show? the mcu has been steadily declining since 2016, lets be real. civil war, infinity war, endgame... this was all an absolute shitshow. fatws can only do so much with the canon they are being given to work with, without outright retconning everything, but even so... it’s weak. i always thought the writers wouldnt be able to write anything thats half as good as the stuff fans come up with and... i think i was right.

thanks for the question.

[autumnblogs]

Day 11: Melodrama

WIth Act 4 over, we’ve finished setting up the pins on the Earth Side of this story. We are now roughly one quarter of the way through the full story - and Homestuck is set up more or less in four acts, rather than in six acts as its “official” structure would suggest.

Time to start setting up the pins on the other disc.

https://homestuck.com/story/1942

But first, some more of Andrew’s prose to detail the fallout of the Sovereign Slayer’s activity. He’s been a busy man.

Also, Rose goes off the rails, but we knew that already.

This is the part of the story where Rose becomes an antagonist, in my opinion. More on that later. More after the break.

https://homestuck.com/story/1955

A letter from another version of Earth.

One of the very first things that we learn about Jake is that one of his all time favorite movies is Weekend at Bernie’s, an association that is part of a long list of red-herrings that link Jake up with Lord English, but of which nothing ultimately comes. It’s an association mostly because Bernie is a corpse who is also a puppet (like Doc Scratch, for example).

All that has already been pointed out by a lot of people before me, so moving on.

https://homestuck.com/story/1957

Just missed her.

https://homestuck.com/story/1993

Act 5 off to a great start, and while Karkat is in many ways a parallel to John (via their shared interests), right away, this action compares Karkat to Dave. Their reaction to being misnamed by the command prompt is pretty much identical.

https://homestuck.com/story/1994

Like I said, Karkat is pretty much immediately compared to John in terms of their shared interests, what with his Terrible Taste in Movies and his Amateur Coding.

One thing that stands out as endearing to me that I’ve probably not thought so much about before is Karkat’s practicing with his Sickle in his room. It reminds me of lightsaber wielding kids on early youtube.

https://homestuck.com/story/1995

So let’s break this and the next few pages down. Viewing the narration through the same James-Joycesque lens of “Narration is more or less identical with the characters’ thought processes,” that we have been so far, Karkat seems pretty ambivalent about existing as a troll, going as far as to describe his bad dreams as *terrible.*

Do all Trolls have dreams as bad as Karkat does? Is it a chucklevoodoos thing? Maybe it’s specifically a Karkat thing.

https://homestuck.com/story/1996

Karkat gets distracted instantly by intrusive thoughts and does something else that’s very Johnlike.

https://homestuck.com/story/1998

Aw c’mon. Early Sandler isn’t even that bad. Then again, it’s been a while since I’ve watched this one, maybe it’s worse than I remember it.

https://homestuck.com/story/1999

This section of the story is even more time-agnostic than the rest of the story, and a lot of it is told in past tense prospective action, which says to me that what we’re experiencing here is the various trolls on the meteor at the End of Act 4 collectively remembering what has taken place in the past, while the parts of this segment that are narrated in the present tense are being relayed to us via the characters in the narrative present (which is to say, the events which are being relayed to us in the panel.)

https://homestuck.com/story/2008

I wonder if Troll Will Smith is a Troll Scientologist?

https://homestuck.com/story/2010

I didn’t like the Trolls very much originally. They’re so ornery and pissy with each other all the time, with the exception of Gamzee and Tavros, but on a reread, especially keeping the things in mind that I’m keeping in mind, all of these characters are a lot more tolerable.

Using the cipher that we’ve established from reading the characters as basically attempting to perform what is culturally expected of them in the first four acts, we can immediately decode what is going on between Karkat and his friends - they are trying to be the best trolls they can be, or at least, live up to certain ideals/stereotypes the way that Dave tries to live up to the stereotype of the coolguy, or John emulates the mangrit and fatherliness and so on of his father figures.

But something is way *way* more wrong with Alternia’s role models than Earth’s.

That’s all from a Watsonian perspective. From a Doylist perspective, there are very explicit stereotypes each of these characters is designed around - commonplace annoying internet people from the ‘00s (pronounce that as Naughts).

https://homestuck.com/story/2012

There’s a lot of early installment weirdness in the first bits of Troll Stuff we get where it’s clear that Andrew was riffing and trying to find clear definitions for their relationships - it’s somewhat poorly known these days, I think, but Andrew has said in the past that he hates worldbuilding, and it kind of shows. (Did I mention that Kanaya Sollux friendship back when those two were interacting not long ago? That’s another one of those bits of early installment weirdness).

Anyway, the actual bit of early installment weirdness that I’m drawing attention to is the fact that the Subjugglators are described as being an Obscure Cult here, but later Homestuck Media (and even stuff within Homestuck, honestly) will make them out to be basically the only major aspect of being a Purple Blood.

https://homestuck.com/story/2013

Gamzee’s ignorance and his bliss are pretty much immediately linked to one another.

That said, I’m not going to dive too deep into Gamzee’s inner life. Like a lot of the trolls, in spite of his great relevance, he’s a bit of a joke character, and the joke is on us - whatever is going on inside this lad’s head is a puzzle for most of the comic.

Gamzee has a Freudian excuse in the form of his absent Lusus, which incidentally, is a parallel to Jade - the Nurture is the same, but the Nature is very differently. Unfortunately, when God was handing out Natures, he gave Gamzee one of the really bad ones, so he’s a worthless goddamn piece of shit.

https://homestuck.com/story/2024

Already into the first few troll conversations, and we’re setting up some stuff for later. Gamzee and Terezi’s very first conversation demonstrates the terrible chemistry that the two have together - Gamzee legitimately unsettles Terezi, and there’s just nothing at all she can do to bother him.

https://homestuck.com/story/2025

Sollux is probably so handy with this coding language because of his ability to hear the voices of the imminently deceased - so he can write programs that will execute along a pretty reasonable time frame.

https://homestuck.com/story/2027

Leader is a phrase that ends up being used in conjunction with Karkat a lot, and the concept of leadership is another one of those things that Homestuck Talks About but not a thing that Homestuck Is About, at least in the sense that leadership as a role is part of the comic’s broader commentary on cultural reproduction, the same way that Homestuck’s conversation about gender is, or Homestuck’s conversation about Roles in general.

What do you want to be when you grow up? Karkat wants to be a leader.

As long as Sollux is making his first appearance as a character, I want to take a second to say that as a character, he’s always been pretty tough and enigmatic for me to write, especially in the sense that he‘s frequently referred to melodramatic and sensitive or similar terms by people around him, but he actually doesn’t really seem that way in most cases - he just seems like a guy who wants to his own devices, and is generally pretty non-reactive to other peoples’ bullshit. Maybe he’s melodramatic in the way that Dave is, hyping himself up as a coolguy who is the best there is, but then again, Sollux kind of lives up to his own hype, considering that up until the last possible moment, he wins pretty much every fight he’s in handily, adapts Sburb personally, and has more romantic success than just about everyone else in the comic.

Maybe Karkat’s just projecting.

https://homestuck.com/story/2031

Roleplaying - a concept that I’ve used frequently to refer to the way that John and his chums perform rituals in order to relate to their culture and parents - is made explicit through the language of Flarping, which for the Trolls, serves as a way for them to literally act out the adventures of their long-dead ancestors, although it strikes me that it’s probably a lot more gainful for highbloods like Terezi and Vriska than it is in general for lowbloods like Aradia and Tavros.

I’ll get this out of the way up front instead of commenting it on a drip feed throughout Terezi’s upcoming courtblock roleplay - Terezi is the kind of kid who aspires to be a Cop. Or a lawyer, anyway, which in Alternian Law, is the same thing as a cop. In the wake of 2020′s scads of police brutality, and in general, having grown up into a nasty commie, it’s kind of hard to look at Terezi the same way.

While it’s clear that Terezi is remorseful later on toward her earlier attitudes and behaviors, Terezi is at least ambivalent, and at worst a purely antagonistic force throughout a lot of early Homestuck because of her authoritarian tendencies and her honestly pretty psychopathic behavior. She plays games with her friends’ lives.

https://homestuck.com/story/2047

Terezi adores having power over other people and making them helpless. For Terezi, alienation takes the form of emotional distance from the people that she’s tormenting. It makes it so much easier for her to conceive of them as wicked people who need to die.

https://homestuck.com/story/2055

Nepeta is an adorable girl who deserves all the good things. All of them.

That said, as long as we’re commentating and not glurging, Nepeta’s internet troll stereotype is probably less familiar these days, and I say probably less, but I can’t say for sure - it’s like this really specific thing that existed during the late ‘00s, where you had this highly specific stereotype, which I’ll call the Furry Artist Roleplayer, and I really hope that I’m not talking out of my ass by generalizing anecodtal evidence, but I know people who were pretty much exactly the Nepeta stereotype around the time that Act 5 was being written! Roleplaying in IRCs or on specialty forums with other people, all drawing art of their anthro OCs and writing stories about each other’s characters. That sort of thing still probably exists these days, but if it does, I’m not really part of any communities anymore where it leaks into the mainstream.

https://homestuck.com/story/2058

Okay, yup, Karkat is 100% projecting “Melodrama” on all the people around him. In a literal sense, Melodrama refers to theatrics that are exaggerated and sensationalized in such a way as to appeal to the emotions, often prioritizing spectacle and physical action over deep characterization.

Actually, if we’re taking it in the literal sense of the word, just about every character in Homestuck is pretty melodramatic - I keep talking about the way that they roleplay rituals and associate with symbols even when they fail to structures of power and culture that those rituals and symbols point to - performative participation without any actual substance. That’s practically the definition of Melodrama.

But Karkat is, perhaps, the most Melodramatic of all.

https://homestuck.com/story/2065

Aradia is one of my favorite characters in Homestuck, and possibly my favorite, something I can be up front about.

Our introduction to her is brief, and right out of the gate one thing about her is apparent - her relationship with destruction is central to her characterization.

https://homestuck.com/story/2069

While I was going to wait for the Hemospectrum to come up explicitly, now’s as good a time as any to talk about the fact that Andrew uses Troll society to comment on hierarchy a lot - hierarchy of just all kinds. Ageism is one of those, and Gerontocracy in particular in Alternia. In Alternia, just one of the ways that the oppression of the Hemospectrum manifests is the way that the Empire systematically takes advantage of its children by basically leaving them completely to their own devices. Trolls don’t have family units normally, but the fact that Troll adults are all offworld is not a “natural” part of Troll Society, it’s a decision. And while it’s a decision made by the Empress, it’s still one that, to some extent, benefits adult trolls at the expense of the children, since they’re not around spending energy on raising kids who are expected to raise themselves from the word go.

It’s honestly pretty late, and I’m tuckered out because of the steroids that I’m on, and the cough medicine, so in spite of the comparatively pretty short amount of reading I’ve done tonight, I’m going to call it here.

Cam signing off, Alive and a little High.

[jenniferisacommonname]

T-Minus

Is the hotel nice? Well… it’s enough, anyway. There’s no microwave in the room—a major oversight on my part—but there’s one in the lobby I can use, next to an array of snacks that are only moderately overpriced, considering. We’re less than half a mile from our daily destination, and even closer to a CVS that sells the medicine I forgot to pack. On the other hand, that CVS offers no bottled water to accompany the dose: instead, their nearly-barren drinks cooler sports a yellow sign reading, “NEEDS REPAIR DO NOT RESTOCK SELL THROUGH INVENTORY,” even though it’s apparent the task can never be accomplished because some of that inventory has been trapped inside a massive slag of ice flowing off the back wall. It’s clearly been a problem for a while.

But the middle-groundness of the hotel and its environs are actually a perfect fit for this little non-vacation I’m on. You see, my son is attending a three-day program for teens at NASA, and I am his chauffeur. The daddy-daughter bonding is in full swing back in Austin, and there are precisely zero responsibilities hanging over me between the hours of 7:30 am and 4:00 pm. It’s a freedom that, like the hotel, sounds mundane, but suits my current needs better than I could hope for. I haven’t been really alone since… well, it depends on how we’re measuring. In one sense, it’s been a little over a year, since the 2020 Spring Break that never ended. But in another, more philosophical sense, it’s been 15 years as of this morning, when my son’s birthday trip to NASA turns literal for a day.

The fact that we have just three years left with him is not especially disturbing; much moreso is the fact that his little sister has just turned 13, meaning we have only five years left with any children at all. And who, then, will I be? Because while it sucks to admit, I have in many ways forgotten. Faced with three days alone in a mediocre city, I wasn’t bereft of ideas on how to spend my time, but I did struggle to judge their relative value, as a person with long-dormant tastes and opinions. Did I want to go to a museum, or make a few dents in my decade-and-a-half nap deficit, or just stare at the wall and revel in the fucking silence? This past year has been tough, but the truth is that other years have been tougher, and absolutely none of them have been easy since I blindly started this project of creating humans.

To be clear, I don’t regret having kids—or perhaps I do, but I would also regret not having them? I’m generally a person who regrets missing out on any experience, good or bad. But recently, I’ve been replaying an old memory from my wedding day, some 18-ish years ago. In the midst of the festivities, I found myself seated between my new mother-in-law and the mother of the best man, who had known each other for exactly as long as my husband and his friend had. I mentioned my fondness for big families, and my desire to have four children.

“Oh, don’t do that,” my mother-in-law said.

“No, definitely don’t do that,” said the best man’s mother, at almost exactly the same time.

I laughed; they didn’t. “I’m sitting here between two women who both had four children themselves!” I pointed out, still thinking this was one of those Exasperated Chic, wine-o’-clock throw pillow kind of conversations.

“Yes,” they agreed. “That’s right.” Absolute deadpan.

And yet, because I’m me—or because I was who I was then, who may or may not be who I am now, because who even knows—I took it as a sort of challenge, as if they were implying that I wasn’t capable of pulling off the same feat they had. I really, truly, didn’t understand it for the clear warning it was until years later. And the Catch-22 is they couldn’t say it to either of their own daughters, just like my mother couldn’t say it to me, even though I’m confident she’d go back and live her life differently given half a chance. You can’t tell your own kids that having kids is a bad idea. You also can’t tell your nonexistent kids that not having kids is a bad idea. We’re all stuck advising strangers who aren’t inclined to take our word for it.

My gut feeling is that the “having kids” side of things still comes out ahead, because the bulk of the obligation does end eventually, and you get to go back to living only for yourself. Mark one down for having your cake and eating it, too. The question is, are you able to? Do you buy into society’s lie that everything good happens in your twenties and thirties, and spend the rest of your life wallowing in missed opportunities? Or do you perhaps see the myriad self-reinventions the world offers, only to discover that you no longer remember how to be someone at all?

Anyway, I decided not to make a plan, and just see where the three days took me. It’s not who I used to be—childless Jennifer was a planner, through and through—but I found, at least, that I could trust in being satisfied with what I chose, even if it was nothing. It turns out I do still have the ability to be myself, I just can’t predict in advance who that person is going to be. I was open to finding out.

So I went to Bed Bath & Beyond—because I’m a person who is picky about their pillows, but too embarrassed to travel with their own. I’m a person who goes out and solves a problem quickly and efficiently, and who is absolutely not too embarrassed to walk through a hotel lobby carrying what is obviously a just-purchased replacement for their shoddy offerings.

I washed my car at one of those fancy places with the vacuum tubes and interior wipes—because I’m a person who likes things to be clean, and who judges other people when their car floors are filthy even though mine have been for over a decade. I’m a person who prefers to keep things clean in the first place, and resents cleaning up after others so much that I usually just end up leaving it. But I’m also person who doesn’t mind getting down and scrubbing when I know that it will stay clean (for at least two more days, anyway.)

I had a big plate of Tex-Mex. That one wasn’t a revelation, to be honest—if there’s one facet of my personality that has survived parenthood, it’s a willingness to indulge in Tex-Mex at every opportunity. I also ate an entire box of Rice Krispie Treats over the course of the weekend.

I watched a bunch of TV shows and movies that my family would find uninteresting, and when my son got back in the evening, I watched one of them again—because I wanted to, and he didn’t know I’d already watched it just hours earlier.

And, I wrote this. Because thankfully, it turns out I’m still a person who writes for her own fulfillment, not just as a means of escape. And when the real escape comes in a few years, I now know at least a few of the things that will be waiting for me on the other side.

[mvdcleines]

hi, everyone!!  this is dede (19, she/her, utc+2), and i’m pleased to introduce st. margaret mary’s favourite eccentric artist and the life of every party on campus, miss marie-madeleine lefebvre! more info under the cut. feel free to add me on discord (@***** ***#0688)!

the basics.

name: marie-madeleine lefebvre

age: 26 years old

occupation: graduate student (art history major)

chastitiy club position: secretary / dealer

the story.

I’M FEELING DEVIOUS.

as a young girl, they told her she was special. that she was the most intelligent child they could ever hope for, that one day, she would have some sort of great destiny to fulfill, something incredible to contribute to the world. and that, they said, is why she couldn’t just stay in school along with all the other children she’s ever known. it would be better for her if she learned some actual new things, they explained, and that is why this special program some unknown third party recommended to them would be the perfect solution. of course, it was in the pyrenées, far from normandy, where her home was and where they themselves were - but it would let her reach that potential that was inside of her already. she wanted to become learned and well-respected like papa, didn’t she? that’s what they thought.

YOU’RE LOOKING GLAMOUROUS.

the route of mathematics they chose for her back at home was something of a mistake, quickly corrected by those at the gifted children’s program. they trained her in all sorts of knowledge, skills and sciences. the work was hard, harder than ever before. she didn’t have to really study before, she just… remembered what was said in classes. now it was a completely different world from what she’d known, and the change didn’t seem to be for the better. her days passed her by quickly, over textbooks, required reading, notes and guides, learning to have a sharp mind as well as excellent manners, to think critically while following every possible rule of savoir-vivre known to the world. she didn’t want to be worse than all the other students there, didn’t she? that’s what they thought.

LET’S GET MISCHIEVOUS.

the life they had planned for her down to the second couldn’t seem appealing anymore as soon as she could really grasp it - when she had some time to even think about it, that is, in the middle of the night. there had to be more to being a teenage girl than absorbing facts like a sponge. a purposeless sponge, since now it didn’t seem so eager to have the floor wiped with it. the ability to pick one’s own courses came soon after that. of course, the choice was mostly up to the parents. but not if someone decided to, say, not read the letters they sent at all and refuse to answer any calls before picking what would distress them the most - any and all art-oriented courses the program had to offer. and after learning she was immensely dedicated to and rather proficient in painting, they wouldn't forbid something that brought such promise, would they? that's what she thought.

AND POLYAMOROUS.

when one achieves small victories, they only fuel the need for newer, bigger, more impactful ones. her case wasn't any different. she could find an academic path she was truly interested in and wanted to continue pursuing - could securing a social standing possibly be harder? she'd read and watched stories about wild, free-spirited women. surely such a woman would be appreciated in these strict surroundings as a break from the monotony. and so she was - the next year, when she was young and sweet, only seventeen, was an endless series of laughs. she laughed when a new social circle accepted her at her table in the cafeteria. she laughed as she choked on her first cigarette. she laughed, pulling the hands of two different boys at once, looking if no teacher could see them running to an empty dorm. she laughed when an older friend brought her a bag of coke for the first time. and when they told her to take her things, she laughed still, walking out the gates. nothing they did could bring her down, could it? that's what she thought. 

WINE AND WOMEN AND WONDERFUL VICES.

all the pointless knowledge forced into her head wasn’t something she terribly missed. there was, however, still a host of problems to be taken care of. the first was, of course, the family she’d left back home. they were displeased with her getting expelled to say the least, and didn’t seem to be easy to appease. the second was her art. for all her distaste for the schooling system, she did at last have something she wanted to practice - something she wanted to master, to turn into a career, to be better, the best at. as luck would have it, both these problems had a solution. the family, thinking it would be an excellent continuation of her education, pulled some strings to get her accepted into some catholic university in paris - paris, with all its sights and nightlife, was an offer she couldn’t refuse. besides, the art history courses seemed cut out for her. she quickly regained the exact reputation she had in her previous environment - of the life of the party, the one who makes life interesting - and can still pull her weight and pass any exam after a year of slacking off in the brief moments she’s not painting or attending yet another rager. she couldn’t have it any other way, could she? that’s what she thought.

WELCOME TO THE CULT OF DIONYSUS.

the newly revived chastity club was something she chose to look into for one reason and one reason only: it seemed like the most hilarious extracurricular concept she’d ever heard of in her life. to be fair, it was even funnier when she discovered the true purpose of the club - and when she just sort of stayed there. the people, contrary to what she’d assumed, were not complete prudes - well, most of them - and they seemed to see the potential in her. she truly was valuable to their grand operation - with her reputation, her contacts and all the events she got invited to. before she thought about it twice, she was their partner in literal crime - and they’d somehow managed to become her closest companions at st. margaret mary’s. the sweet rush of adrenaline dealing provided her with wasn’t comparable to anything. maybe except for how at home she felt among these people, no matter how sappy that sounded. they needed their secretary, and she needed them, didn’t she? that’s what they thought.

the headcanons.

while the style marie-madeleine practices currently in her works (and has been for a while) is decidedly surreal (some would go as far as to call it psychedelic… i wonder why), she has dabbled in impressionism in the past, leaving it after she found it too restricting (and after she started, to put it mildly, enhancing her perception with recreational substances while painting more routinely).

despite the gifted children’s program having taught her critical thinking and a rational, mostly agnostic approach to life, marie-madeleine is very superstitious and interested in the occult, frequently giving semi-clandestine tarot readings to fellow students at st. margaret mary’s, an activity frowned upon by more religious classmates and the school itself. no one truly knows if she actually believes what she says she does or if these practices are more ironic on her part, simply another facet of the eccentric artist mythos she’s built up around herself.

marie-madeleine prefers to use her full, hyphenated first name instead of just marie, even if most people end up calling her just that out of convenience; some would say she revels in the biblical ‘sinner’ allegory, and she frequently makes jokes about her new testament namesake.

she’s gotten in trouble with the chastity club a few times before for exchanging their stock for notes she couldn’t be bothered to take but needed to study for major exams, although substituting some of her own money for the earnings she would have otherwise brought in always got her off scot-free.

she has, at some point, come across the concept of gifted kid burnout and recognized it in herself, although it didn’t bother her like some may think it would. like all her non-social responsibilities, it was just another thing to push to the back of her head.

she has a few bottles of bourbon, her alcohol of choice, hidden in strategic spots around campus, including her handbag, some of the ladies’ rooms and more. no one knows where they all are - probably including marie-madeleine herself.

marie-madeleine has always harbored something of a fondness for greek mythology, just for the sheer absurdity of it all and for what terrible beings the gods really were. then again, she’d been taught the old testament multiple times, and it didn’t seem that much nicer. whenever someone tells her she’s being a disappointment to god (more often than you’d think), she likes to think dionysus would be proud of whatever she’s doing.

she likes to write on the back of her paintings, but not just write anything - what she does is use a rather simple code she devised to mark what sort of influence she was under while painting the work in question. it just seems reasonable not to forget that.

while her drinking and drug use is pretty out of control, she doesn’t smoke as much now as she did when she was a teenager. perhaps it’s because drugs are more easily accessible to her now, or maybe cigarettes just got too boring.

she would never tell anyone this, but she has a particular love for fluffy things, especially clothes - during colder months, when no one can see her, she walks around her apartment in a thick, fluffy robe and matching slippers.

she’s a cat person if the choice is only between that and dogs, but what she really prefers pet-wise is birds. she currently owns a black-headed caique named amadeus.

despite needing it to keep up the chastity club rouse, she doesn’t keep up an appearance of religiosity in front of classmates, as it would directly contradict most of her image at st. margaret mary’s. when it comes to staff, however, she’s a perfect, if unconventional, follower of jesus christ as far as they’re concerned.

she thinks it’s very funny to sneak up on others and then say something out loud when she knows it will scare them nearly to death. complaints have been heard, but not taken to heart.

her favourite holiday is surely halloween, partially because everyone suddenly wants her to do their makeup, partially because there’s twice as many parties as usual, and partially because of how triggered the most religious of her fellow students get, which she finds hilarious.

she likes to gesticulate a lot while speaking, and has gotten in trouble for this back at the gifted children’s program when she accidentally slapped a bypassing teacher in the face.

despite acting like a leo (or perhaps aquarius) stereotype, she is actually a sagittarius (shocker).

she grows vegetables on her balcony, and somehow always forgets to collect them until it’s too late. it just happens every time and she’s stopped fighting it at this point.

it’s sometimes funny to her how much conspiracy and care is being put into the chastity club’s weed trade, simply because of how lightly she views weed when compared to what she usually stuffs her system with in her spare time.

tba!

the aesthetics.

a red wine stain, striking against silky fabric. the devious smile of someone who knows exactly what will happen next. a worn-out deck of tarot cards. traces of cocaine on a marble counter. the bold, firm strokes of a brush on canvas. a half-eaten plum. a shawl flowing along as you move. the remains of paint on your fingers. a small bottle of bourbon hidden behind books on a shelf. healing crystals. ignoring responsibility until it goes away. golden hoop earrings. a broken high heel.

the wanted plots.

the good influence ( 0/1 ). another person different from marie, but in this case, they managed to strike up a friendship that probably ends with them lending her a few brain cells in exchange for what amounts to the ‘ted, i’m gonna teach you how to live’ gif from himym.

the rival ( 0/1 ). was it something in their shared past? just a general friction between people, as it often is? no matter why, these two don’t like each other in the slightest and will do most anything to show the other who’s the better... well... chastity club member here.

the neighbor/roommate/someone crashing on her couch ( 0/1 ). just because domesticity is adorable.

more to be added, but if you have ideas, hit me up!!

[foxymuses]

on the topic of rk900 && his ‘deviancy’

the way that i write rk900 to be is very specific, and it includes a lot, which i will? try to explain? as best i can? please feel free to ask clarifying questions though like i have so much to say about this and im sure i’ll miss something. anyway imma shove this under a cut because i KNOW im about to just fucking go.

so i wanna make it very clear from the get go that 900 is not deviant in the typical fashion. he does not believe that he is a free being with actual emotions and rights to live. there is never a moment where he stops and goes ‘oh shit’ and breaks through that red tape. he never has an ‘i may be deviant’ breakdown. he is not deviant.

however, he is not not-deviant. 

what i mean by this is kind of complicated. let me start with some background into my personal interpretation of the rk900 series in general. they are a series designed for warfare -- the majority of them have been shipped overseas with soldiers to act as a variety of things: weapons, infiltration, an inhuman line of defense to protect the human soldiers --- like. they were specifically designed to be killers, to be dangerous, to be pretty damn hard to stop. they are essentially top of the line terminators -- are they entirely legal? ehhhhhh. but they let the government get away with things that might either kill their human soldiers or are of questionable ethic that they can just.... decommission the android afterwards. that’s their main function, the main reason they exist. 

this is crucial, and i will explain more on it in a moment, but for the rest of this meta i’m going to be using rk900 to talk of the general model series, and 900 to speak specifically to mine (and, in a lesser way, the fandom one in general, though this should go without saying i don’t intend to infringe upon other personal headcanons of rk900 writers)

connor was the rk ‘law enforcement’ prototype, but he also functioned mainly as a playing piece in an android revolution that, let’s face it, cyberlife saw coming a mile away. cyberlife wanted a say. they wanted to have a semblance of control over how to twist the uprising in a way that benefit them. given 900 comes about in a world where the revolution was quelled, cyberlife basically achieved their goal (i’ll touch upon my meta of my machine connor and this in another post). 

the reason this is important is because 900 was implanted with the majority of observations and experiences that connor had. things he learned about humanity, how to mimic it, how to manipulate it, how to use it. things like the events of the revolution in the order they happened, what it was like to be a detective with the dpd, literally like. all the things that connor went through or observed or scanned or downloaded or learned -- these were uploaded into 900.

now, his memories weren’t necessarily input into 900 -- that is, 900 doesn’t have any first hand accounts of most things (from petting sumo all the way to connor ending the revolution). so even if he has an understanding of what being on a case is like, he doesn’t have connor’s exact memories of doing it. it’s more like all of these things have been converted into data for him to retrieve -- it’s been shifted into facts, statements, articles, serving more as.... general history knowledge? like that stuff everyone just knows for some reason? 

but it’s more in depth than that because, yknow, they intended for 900 to be top of the line (yes, 900, not rk900). so all this information from connor was used to boost the insanely vast amounts of knowledge that they input into 900 to begin with -- it was used as contextual information, filler information, you get me? because the main thing that differed between connor and 900 is that 900 was given all the knowledge he needed before he was released, where as connor was expected to observe and adapt. cyberlife took connor’s methods of observing and interacting and adapting to humanity and refined it so that 900 already had that information.

so when 900 was officially done, he had basically anything he might need to know in his software already. he didn’t need to learn anything. 

so let me backtrack a little bit into why i say 900 gets these things and not all the rk900s. 

like i said before, the rk900s were built for warfare. 900 was not. i mean, yes, his model and abilities are all the same, he is still an rk900 model. but he was not built to go to war. the 900 that connor meets in the zen garden is the same 900 i write. that particular rk900 model, 900, was specifically designed to replace connor. the others were mass produced for their purpose as war based androids. but 900 was made to work for the DPD, to sort of take connor’s place, in part because it gives them access to local law, but also because they want to monitor the place where connor was assigned. 

so because of this 900 does not have a purpose. 

he was not developed with any specific goal or mission or duty aside from ‘work with the dpd’, so he doesn’t have the same goal set that the rk900 models are programmed with. cyberlife essentially input all this data into 900, and then didn’t tell him what to do with it aside from ‘just go to this location’ which means that 900 had to figure it out for himself.

this is where cyberlife fucked up big time.

the other rk900 models are designed to be perfect soldiers -- deviancy was basically coded out of them based on connor’s experience (whether or not he went deviant, it was in his code). thats not to say that they can never go deviant, its just to say it would be really fucking hard to make them do that. 

since 900 has none of that, he is inherently different from the rk900 model. when you make an android without a purpose, you have basically created a deviant android from the get go. 900 is more or less his own model, in which there is only one 900, and by default, he works for the Detroit Police Department.

now, generally, this means he’s paired with gavin (gotta live up to that delicious ship, honestly) so a lot of my following nonsense is stemmed from that but the point is that, he gets to decide what his goal is whenever he wants, so it can change, and it does change, and the choice is entirely his own. by all intents and purposes, cyberlife inadvertently created an android with honest to god free will.

so where does this leave us with deviancy? because i can hear ya’ll but fox, you said he wasn’t deviant and now you’re saying he is which is it?

here’s what makes 900, well, 900. as part of the fact that he is so incredibly self-aware, he knows he’s a machine. he accepts he’s a machine. there isn’t any like -- ‘i’m a machine’ with a touch of sadness or regret. he doesn’t wish to be human -- he has no desire to feel or experience human things, or do whatever deviant androids wanted. he doesn’t care about that. it doesn’t interest him in the slightest. and this isn’t because he doesn’t know about feelings or that “how could he know if he doesn’t want them if he hasn’t experienced them” because it’s not like that. 900 has an incredible sense of what things are, what they’d be like -- he got all of this from connor, remember. so 900 isn’t inherently interested in being anything other than a machine, and he holds no misunderstandings about what being a machine entails either.

does that make sense? hold on let me try it this way. because cyberlife tried so hard to make sure that 900′s software had everything, they created an incredibly self-aware android that doesn’t seek humanity because of how well they understand life. 900 doesn’t like or dislike being an android -- he just is. he recognizes that. wanting to be something else doesn’t... compute because it just doesn’t make sense. like why would he want to be human when he’s not? when he can be better and do more? like i can’t even say he’s happy about it because he doesn’t (at first) associate chemical reactions in his system with being emotions because they aren’t. it’s all synthetic.

he is perhaps the most alive an android can get without being alive, honestly.

900 decides that, upon being assigned to work with gavin, that gavin is technically his mission now. as a partner to a detective, but as a partner that is stronger, faster, and can withstand immense damage, he essentially positions himself as a bodyguard for the human. the problem here is that, due to his awareness, his approach to this is.... unorthodox.

900 will let gavin throw a punch at someone who can and will definitely hit back, but he’ll stop gavin from walking into an ambush. he might get gavin a coffee one day without being asked, but then throw the coffee at him the next day when gavin demands one. he has a habit of making sly comments and is known to push buttons and see what he can get away with, testing limits and constantly pressing against the boundaries of what he can do before someone snaps, and then sees if he can go just a little farther. 

900 is very much his own person. he belongs to neither cyberlife nor DPD. he does what he wants when he wants it and how he wants it, and he can, at times, appear very human (albeit one that is obnoxious and at times infuriating). however 900 never lets it be forgotten that he is a machine. he can crush every bone in your body one by one while you’re helpless to it. he can have expressions that are near-humanlike : amused, angry, exasperated. but he will go from lightly smiling to fucking cold eyes and danger just radiating off of him to the point people will actually feel the room lower a few degrees

900 knows he’s a machine. if you even for a moment forget, he will remind you. he has unethically tortured suspects for information, they purposely don’t give 900 a gun at the start because he would get bored and simply shoot whoever they’re investigating and apologize later. he has no qualms about killing, about breaking laws or faces, about doing things the way that he feels like doing them, with or without anyone approving. and if anyone thinks they can stop him, they’re just. good fucking luck.

but the reason he doesn’t do any of this is because he is self-aware enough to know there’s no fucking point to it. his mission is, as he decides, “protect gavin reed” and he will do what it takes for that, which may include punching a suspect or stealing evidence or something, he doesn’t care, but if it serves no true purpose in what 900 is doing, then he consciously decides he’s not going to just.. do it. but the thing is that at any moment he could decide to change his mind. and that’s what makes him so terrifying. he is literally unpredictable.

i ... okay i think that’s what i wanted to say? just as like some added notes, but with gavin, 900 does become.... hmm... softer? he doesn’t soften but he basically claims gavin as his own, like he is assigned to be gavin’s partner but it becomes literally almost a possessive thing. 900 makes gavin his mission, and if anyone gets in the way, they’re fucked. but by attaching himself to a human, he opens himself up to the softer side of being human, so 900 never truly ‘becomes deviant’ because there is never, as i said, a moment where he’s got a red wall that says this isn’t protocol becaaaause he doesn’t have protocol. so there’s never a chance for him to break through it. but he takes care of his partner, makes sure gavin is eating well and sleeping well, makes sure he’s more or less safe, is always in tuned to where gavin is and what gavin is doing, will step in at a moment’s notice if he feels the need. 

it becomes way more.... well, more, if this is a ship with a gavin, but regardless, 900 will have a gentler approach to his interactions with the human he has claimed that will be noticeable. softer tones, less cold eyes, more considerate touches. he’ll listen to gavin (may not always follow directions, but he listens), he’ll defend gavin’s actions, he’ll get angry if something happens to gavin. 900 never explicitly goes deviant, and he never fully accepts that what he feels is.... a real feeling? because he does not fully believe that androids can experience true emotion, so even if he does get angry, or he does feel amused or happy or whatever, it’s based on an extensively coded software that has made him so perfectly able to mimic humanity that it’s basically indecipherable. yes, he cares about gavin in most cases. yes he can feel panic or worry if something happens. but in general, no. he will not feel fear, he is not concerned with death, he can’t experience pain... so.

a last note is that like. this is the reason that he goes by 900. gavin typically calls him ‘nines’ which is only allowed for gavin. but a name is a human thing, and 900 is not and has no desire to be, so he just uses 900. most other people in the DPD also just use 900, sometimes they’ll call him rk which he’s okay with but it’s not his preference. he would’ve allowed gavin to name him if he wanted to but gavin didn’t, so that’s why when gavin begins using nines, that’s what 900 assumes as a name. 900 is comfortable to him, it’s who he is, and he doesn’t desire more than that. 

alright i’m. i’m probably gonna start getting repetitive soon, and a lot of the rest of the emotional aspect is based on 900 being involved with gavin, and thats case by case so it’s can be subject to change, and this post is meant to serve as a general basis for my portrayal of 900. 

[softjeon]

Kiss me quietly | Final

• Pairing: BadBoy!Yoongi x Shy!Jungkook • Genre: Fluff | College!AU •  Words: 9,2k | AO3 • Disclaimer: mentioning of alcohol, selective mutism, tooth rotting fluff

written with @cassiavioletblue

↳ Yoongi always said what was on his mind, while Jungkook was shy, fearful and just like a wallflower he was quickly overseen. Yoongi wore leather jackets, had tattoos while Jungkook wore soft, baby blue sweaters with sleeves that were way too long. Yoongi was everything he wasn’t. Not that he cared, but men like Yoongi didn’t care about boys like Jungkook. That’s just how it always been like until…

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“Yoongi, hey!” Hoseok furrowed his brows, nudging Yoongi’s side repeatedly, “Where’s your head?” He chuckled low, when Yoongi finally snapped out of his daydream (he wondered what it was about; Yoongi rarely daydreamed about anything. He was either sleepy or fully awake, nothing in between) and refocused on the program in front of him. “Can I have your attention now again? Good. I worked on this all week it’s for the music producing class exam. I need to know your opinion it feels like it’s still lacking something,” Hoseok explained, when he clicked on his file and opened it. 

Turning a little, he reached for the headphones giving one pair over to Yoongi and taking the other. Yoongi complied easily. After he had fled their lunch last time because of Jungkook’s ability to light him on fire just by simply eating ice cream he felt like he owed it to both of them to be a little more approachable. That and the fact that he loved working with Hobi on his tracks made him reach out for the headphones immediately, putting them on without asking any further. He would best get a feel for the tape if he listened to it anyway.

“I rearranged a lot of things from last time, changed some lyrics and I added some vocals over mine. I don’t think my voice fits there, actually so, I’m only doing back vocals and fitted in a new main vocal.” He said and showed off the line of new audios he had recorded. There was almost no interruption in between the file, meaning whoever had recorded it had nailed the whole refrain in one-go and Hoseok didn’t need to arrange different versions of it into one. “But just listen and then tell me okay?”

Hoseok started the track and Yoongi listened in concentration, eyes closed, and brows furrowed. The track was good, pulling you in right away with music that was layered enough to be interesting and get your attention without overwhelming the listener. He waited for the lyrics to come and when a voice started singing his eyes snapped open. He hadn’t thought much about it when Hobi had mentioned that he let someone else sing the main vocals, thinking that he had chosen someone with a usual vibe. Instead it sounded like there was a literal angel singing on Hobi’s track, his voice clear and soft and full of unspoken promises. It had Yoongi shivering from the sudden and unexpected emotions that the sweet voice evoked. He took off one side of the headphones, holding it a little away from his ear (just one because he didn’t want to miss anything from the song) and asked immediately, “Who is this? It sounds amazing!”

Hoseok smiled, bopping his head to the rhythm but didn't answer his question, yet, not wanting to disturb the song. He grinned widely, letting Yoongi listen to the rest before asking, “And? What did you think about the arrangement? Lyrics? It's better than the first version, right?“ Hoseok was really bad at hiding his excitement, shifting nervously on his seat. “He's good right?“ Hoseok finally addressed the vocals, “Unfortunately you can't steal him from me. I promised him not to tell others, as he wants to keep himself hidden.”

“It’s way better! Whoever it is you caught there don’t let him go! He has an amazing range and his vocals are soft but not weak. His voice is sweet but powerful and I bet you could use him for a lot of songs. How did you find him?” When Hoseok showed him with a gesture that his lips were sealed and that he wouldn’t reveal anything about that mysterious singer Yoongi pouted a little but then accepted it. If Hoseok didn’t even give in when he acted cute (a very rare occasion) then he must really want to respect that person’s wish.

So, he didn’t push any further.

“He’ll be at Namjoon’s birthday this weekend, maybe you’ll find out who it is when you hear their voice.” Hoseok chuckled low and then got out a notebook to open it to a page, where it clearly showed the lyrics of the song Yoongi just had heard. It was written in two different handwritings. When Yoongi raised his eyebrow in surprise at the clean handwriting, next to Hoseok’s messy one, he quickly explained: “Oh, Jungkookie helped me with it a little. That boy is so talented, you won’t believe it. Anyways…, I need help with the rap part,” He pointed at a line, “I don’t feel this is fluid enough.”

Yoongi scooted closer, leaning forward to see the writing better. “I’ll help you - and I’d even let you take a sneak peek into my own lyrics notebook - if you push me a little into the right direction in case I’d miss that angel person. You don’t have to break your promise and tell me who it is, just.. give me a little nudge if I don’t find him, alright? I’d really love to work with him for one or two of my songs as well, I bet his voice sounds amazing in contrast with a heavy beat - or with a slow, emotional song. Damn, don’t even know who he is and I’m already excited about him. He better not be an asshole, that would be so disappointing. So... what do you say?” If he had to bribe and blackmail Hoseok to get what he wanted he would because he knew that Hobi would never do anything that he didn’t want he had principles and would defend them screaming if he had to.

“Says asshole no°1 here,” Hoseok laughed, shaking his head, “I’ll see what I can do, but I can’t promise he will sing for you. It was hard enough already to get him for my song. And maybe, he doesn’t like you – who knows.” He shrugged his shoulders, getting more comfortable in his seat, “Now be a good boy for once and help me.”

“Yeah sure, you just insulted me and now you want me to help you. You can be glad you own such a nice studio and are a decent cook. Though if Jin’s joked weren’t that bad he would beat you as a friend - because his cooking is way better.”  Yoongi took the notebook to take a closer look and made a noise of surprise when he saw how much of the lyrics was in Jungkook’s neat handwriting - and how good they were. “Damn, Jungkook really knows how to write. I didn’t even knew he was interested in music. Not that he’s talking to me at all but... I guess that’s normal with him.” He awkwardly eyed Hoseok from the side to see if the other would comment on that.

Hoseok pulled one leg up on his chair, humming in response, “Yeah, but he’s an amazing writer and he’s a dance major, of course he likes music. His body reacts to every beat, every vibration, forming it into the most beautiful art. It’s honestly amazing. He’s got a poetic side in him, just like you.” He grinned, patting Yoongi’s shoulder as he sighed softly. Hoseok had always admired Yoongi’s creative mind, so therefore he was glad he could call him his friend and learn from him at the same time.

“Well the only things I got so see of him were his wide eyes, a fearful expression and his cute smile. So yeah he might be a cutie but apart from that I have no idea if what you’re telling me is true. I’d say doubtable until proven.” Yoongi hoped that Hobi wouldn’t see through his attempt at getting him to show him a vid of Jungkook’s abilities. Hobi always recorded his dance practices or musical WIPs.

Shaking his head, Hoseok’s voice turned a little softer, “Cute? Yoongi…whatever you’re thinking now…don’t.” Hoseok knew Yoongi inside and out, he knew his expressions, the way he raised his eyebrows when he was interested, the smirk that lured boys in. But not his sweet Jungkookie. He looked at his friend with an insistent gaze, “I know you. Keep your hands to yourself. Anyone really, but not him.”

Yoongi had known that this would come up sooner or later and still his pride had him acting offended. “Why? Maybe it would be good for him to get a little out of his shell. He’s really shy, isn’t he? Also don’t act like you’ve never hooked up with someone for the fun of it. We’re young, having sex without any obligations shouldn’t be stigmatized like that especially not by you who practically cuddles with everyone when he’s drunk.” Just that Hoseok stopped at cuddling while Yoongi went all the way instead. “Also, he’s a grown-up he can decide for himself! I mean - he must be or else he wouldn’t study here. He can’t be underage - right?”

Hoseok immediately shook his head, waving his hands around, “That’s exactly why. For the fun of it. Jungkook,… he isn’t like that and you shouldn’t use it as a reason to make him more confident only to crush him and ignore his calls only days later like you do with literally everyone else.” He leaned in a little, making it clear that he wasn’t joking around right now, “He is a grown-up, but I can’t stand to see him hurt. If anyone hurt him, I’ll break their bones….twice.” With a satisfied smile, Hoseok leaned against his chair again, “Jungkook is different. You can fuck anyone you like, but not him. You won’t ruin him and break his heart just because you liked his smile.”

Yoongi opened his mouth to protest but then closed him again without saying a word. Hoseok did have a point. Kind of. Though it wasn’t like he did it on purpose. Other people had different partners as well and you had use the trial and error method how else were you supposed to find out who would stay in your heart forever and who was only in there for a night? Yes, he might have a pretty high “error rate” but it wasn’t his fault that he wasn’t the most patient guy and wasn’t it better to end things quickly to be free for something new? He was only fair, being honest and telling his partners the truth instead of keeping them around and keeping them from possibly meeting the love of their lives. Instead he was told he was an asshole and told by his friend to stay away from the mute cutie that he’d loved to get to know better.

“You’ll be fine. You got enough other people interested in you,” Hoseok smiled faintly, before pointing at his song again, “Shall we?”

…

The sun was shining so bright that Jungkook had to squeeze his eyes so hard to be able to see. There were people running past him, as he sat by the side of the running track, a stopwatch in his hand. Biting his lip in concentration, his gaze was fixated on one runner only as he came closer and closer to the finish line. The moment he crossed the white paint, Jungkook pushed his finger down, holding the watch up with a bright grin. “And?” Wonho was panting, sweat dripping down his body, making his pale skin glisten under the sunlight. He took the stopwatch and groaned, “Hm, I can be better than this.” As a form of self-punishment Wonho dropped down a few feet away from Jungkook and began to do some pushups, counting loudly.

Jungkook only shook his head.

He knew Wonho for so long now. He’d been a neighbor of his when they were little and now they were studying at the same uni, only that Wonho chose sport and languages, while Jungkook studied art and dance. And since then, Jungkook was bad at saying ‘no’ and never liked to keep his friends hanging so he had been officially recruited to stop Wonho’s time while he was training for an exam. While Wonho was busy stretching now, Jungkook returned his attention to his papers. He needed to study, too.

…

Yoongi had sneaked out to the sports area behind campus because no one noticed him there and it was a nice place to smoke. People went training on their own and had their headphones on so no one tried talking or sometimes the running place was even empty so Yoongi could sit on the spectator stand and enjoy his cigarette in peace. Not today though. When he looked up there was already someone sitting there. Jungkook. Even though the weather was sunny he still wore a long sleeved shirt made out of thin material that didn’t had him overheating but was long enough for him to hide his hands the way he liked it. Yoongi wondered why he did it, if it was a safety thing or if he was actually hiding something. He swallowed harshly. Then his thoughts suddenly took an 180° turn when some sporty, bulky and sweaty guy who just finished some pushups went up the stairs to sit beside Jungkook. Instead of acting like a startled deer like Yoongi had expected Jungkook just made him some room and then went back to reading his papers. Yoongi stood and stared, not sure why that sight startled him so much.

Jungkook didn’t look up from his papers, when Wonho sat down next to him. They were just sitting in silence until…

“Gosh, it’s so fucking hot,” The bulky man grabbed the hem of his shirt swiftly pulling it over his head and making heads turn right away, except for Jungkooks. He never had been interested in Wonho and neither the other way around. “You need some help there?” Wonho nudged Jungkook’s side, taking one of his papers, where notes were scribbled all over, holding it up in the air. Jungkook sighed, rolling his eyes as he tried to grab it but Wonho only held it back further. “Just give it back. I really need to study, and I did what you asked of me…” Jungkook whispered, reaching for it.

The guy stripped right next to Kook like it was nothing and Yoongi angrily smashed his cigarette. There he was, playing all nice and holding himself back like Hoseok had asked him to, just for some guy to take his place and flirt with the sweet boy half naked on the campus ground.

Before he could think about it Yoongi was up the stairs and standing right in front of the two. It looked as if the sports guy was stealing Jungkook’ stuff and Yoongi was not having it! “Give him back his stuff - now!” He growled at him, no warning, no hello, no nothing. He just wanted that guy away from Kook.

Jungkook jerked around, his eyes wide and the smile wiped off his face and was replaced by sheer surprise and then he froze completely. His mouth stood open, his heart racing while he tried to comprehend what just happened. Where did Yoongi come from? Why was he mad? It didn’t make any sense to Jungkook.

“You know this one?” Wonho turned to look at the younger, not even sparing Yoongi a glance. The shy boy nodded softly, but it still wasn’t enough and Wonho got up and crack his neck just to show that he wouldn’t hesitate. Jungkook’s eyes flickered over to Wonho, then to Yoongi, feeling as if he was about to faint. “How about you just piss off again…we don’t need your bad attitude around here.” He said and took a step closer, “Jungkook is fine as you can see. Don’t see why it would be your business, anyways.”

“You haven’t seen my bad attitude yet, but you will if you don’t give him his stuff back…And it is my business cause I don’t like it when jocks like you pick on younger students. If you want to cause trouble then take someone of your own caliber you coward.”

Jungkook was completely dumbfounded. He couldn’t stand this. Couldn’t listen to whatever these two were talking about because Jungkook wasn’t even sure what this was really about. Either way he didn’t like it. Yoongi had no right to come at them like this, to pretend as if he knew Jungkook. Not at Wonho who had just been teasing him a little. Jungkook was used to it.

“My caliber? Well, I don’t see anyone around, or do you want to try?” Wonho pushed against Yoongi’s chest, chuckling low but the moment he opened his mouth again to say something, he was interrupted by Jungkook who forcefully pushed all of his books back in his bag. Jungkook was biting his tongue, before he shouldered the bag and squeezed himself right through them both and tearing them apart in the process, before simply walking ahead. Wonho still had Jungkook’s papers in hand but his expression changed as he looked after the younger.

Jungkook didn’t look as if he was glad that Yoongi was helping him, quite the opposite, he looked more uncomfortable than before. And while Yoongi had thought in the beginning that it was just Jungkook hating that someone witnessed that he was being bullied or that his shyness made him crack under the pressure of this kind of attention now he felt that something was wrong. Jungkook had looked close to tears when he had ran off, not caring a bit for the papers that the other was still holding. Normally someone pushing him would have resulted in a broken jaw or at least a few punches but it was Jungkook he was worried about and not his hurt pride right now. He ripped the papers from the guys hand, glad that he let go of them immediately and didn’t rip them and then gave him a warning growl. “Don’t bother him again or you’ll wish that you left him in peace while it was still your decision to make.”

Jungkook was walking fast, trying to calm the storm of feelings inside of him. He wasn’t sure why he had run, instead of facing Yoongi and just telling him off (although he was sure he couldn’t have done that anyway, even if he was able to speak in front of him) or take Wonho and pull him somewhere else so Yoongi realized that it was fine. He was fine. He didn’t need protection or whatever Yoongi had tried to do. Why did he? It made no fucking sense to Jungkook. They weren’t friends. So why? His heart ached when he remembered how Hoseok had told him once that Yoongi liked to get into trouble, that he couldn’t control his emotions very well when they were all having dinner. He had listened carefully, glad that Jimin had been so worried to ask if Yoongi was alright. Apparently he had seen Yoongi with bruises and cuts on his hands and face in the library and wondered what happened. Yoongi hadn’t told him and only shrugged it off, so Jimin had turned to Hoseok. But why here? Why now? Jungkook still had no answer when he arrived at his bike, fishing out his keys to unlock it and pull it out of the stand a little too aggressive.

Luckily Jungkook wasn’t hard to find because although he had run off as if he wanted to get away from them as fast as possible he came to a halt in front of the bike stand. It gave Yoongi time to observe him and it made his heart feel heavy: There was a frown on Jungkook’s face, his head held low as if he wanted to hide from everything and if the way he ripped the bike from the stand was anything to go by then he was really angry. It must be hard not being able to voice his anger.

Yoongi waited for Jungkook to finish arranging his bike to address him but Jungkook saw him first and it went like a knife through Yoongi’s heart because the second Jungkook got aware of him his shoulders went up and he curled his body away from him as if he was trying to get away. Jungkook startled, eyes wide and when his gaze fell onto him, he let them fall, his expression turning softer. Why did you do this? He wanted to ask, but his heart was beating loudly, making the blood rush through his veins so fast that he felt dizzy - no word coming from him.

Yoongi swallowed hard and then held out the papers carefully, toning down his voice to not agitate the younger further. “Hey. I... I guess you need those.” Jungkook didn’t even look at him. “Are you alright?” He wished Jungkook could just tell him how he was, more detailed than with a head shake or a nod.

“You... didn’t really like that, hu?” Sheepishly he rubbed his neck, wishing he could go back just to approach things differently. “I’m sorry, I... I guess I went a bit overboard. It just made me so angry that this guy was bullying you. You are such a sweet person; I don’t understand how someone can be cruel enough to treat you badly. I... I know there would have been a way to solve this differently - and I guess I should have asked first if you even wanted my help but... I kind of got a little overprotective. And maybe also a little jealous that he can just walk over to you like that while I can’t - and then seeing him use that chance to hurt you... I just snapped. I’m really sorry. Do you want me to tell Hobi? I can understand if you don’t want me handling this any further but Kook, please tell us if someone is bullying you. You shouldn’t just take it. I don’t want you to get hurt, okay?” His smile was a little sad when he spoke again, even more quietly this time, words slipping from him without his permission, “It’s shitty being like this, isn’t it? I’m ‘too much’ all the time and people hate me for it while you have probably been called ‘too soft’ a few times and people think of you as easy prey. It shouldn’t be like this. But it is how it is, right and we just have to handle it. We’re like the perfect opposites, you and I.” He laughed humorlessly, “Hell, we probably could balance each other out - or go down in flames. I see why Hobi doesn’t want me to be with you. And yet... here I am, stupid enough to consider it nonetheless even though Hobi is one of my oldest friends and everything I managed to do to you so far is get you in more trouble. I’m sorry, I’ll leave you alone now.” It was so easy to spill his heart to Kook, scaringly easy. He needed to be more careful.

Jungkook felt like he was daydreaming, for a moment, he was sure that he would wake up any second now and then Jimin would tell him he was late for his class. Did Yoongi just confessed to him? Tell him that he liked him, even though he was...practically mute because he was crushing on Yoongi so hard that it made him speechless. He blushed furiously, pretty sure that he would go up in flames any second now. Yoongi cared about him. Him, the wallflower.

He wanted to say something, wanted to tell him that it was alright, that he liked Yoongi too but just the thought of it made him shut again. His heart went into overdrive. The longer he stayed quiet, the more Yoongi was talking and it was so utterly cute that it brought a smile on his face, one that he tried to push down again, biting onto his lip. When Yoongi turned away from though, Jungkook reacted on instinct, reaching out for Yoongi so fast that he almost dropped his bike in the process. Shaking his head, Jungkook told Yoongi wordlessly that he was okay. He opened his mouth, but no words came out. Nervously he pulled at Yoongis shirt, pointing at his pants where he could see his phone sticking out.

“What, you want my phone as payment for the mess I made?” Joking was his defense mode (or sarcasm) and right now his stomach was making summersaults. Jungkook was so close that he could count the younger’s eyelashes and as his hands had come up in reflex when Jungkook stumbled into him (almost taking his bike with him) now they stood in some kind of half embrace, Yoongi holding Kook’s arms while the younger looked at him with his pretty, wide eyes. “Take what you want, Kookie. I guess I kind of owe you. Twice now. For ruining your day not one but two times so far. I’m not doing it on purpose, I swear.”

Jungkook giggled softly, shaking his head again before slowly reaching out for Yoongi’s phone. It was easier to touch Yoongi than he remembered. Unlocking the screen, Jungkook opened the notes app and started typing. He knew there was no way he could get out any words. He’d probably stumble over his own sentences, making a mess and then Yoongi would think the worst of him. And he liked this. Yoongi didn’t seem to mind that he wasn’t talking. Sticking out his tongue in concentration, Jungkook tried to be quick before handing Yoongi the phone with a smile. While the other looked down and started reading, the younger quickly sat on his bike and drove off. The blush still burning on his cheeks.

[He’s my friend, he didn’t bully me. I don’t like it when others talk for me, I’m sorry. I think you do owe me something now. Maybe a coffee? You’re cute.]

Curiously Yoongi read through the notes on his phone, his eyes widening when he realized his mistake. Jungkook and that guy were friends! He hadn’t stopped Jungkook from being bullied he had made a great big mess out of a little teasing between friends. No wonder Jungkook had looked so distraught. That meant he would have to apologize to that guy next time he saw him. Yoongi groaned internally. He hated apologizing. Really, really hated it. ”H...hey!” He was calling after Kook who was sneakily running away on wheels, “How am I supposed to ask you out for coffee if I don’t even have your number!” Also, he wasn’t cute!

Kittens were cute or puppies or Jungkook but definitely not him. He could feel his cheeks heating up against his will.

God, he was so gone for that boy!

…

Another weekend, another party, only this time it was Namjoon’s birthday and Jungkook had no valid reason to stay home. He liked him, he was (finally) Jimin’s boyfriend now and therefore the three of them (including Taehyung) were invited as well. They had grown into a group of friends quickly over the past couple of months and Jungkook really liked it. He always felt more comfortable with close friends around. It made it easier, than being alone.

Leaning against the kitchen counter, Jungkook sighed. He had fled a little from the crowded rooms. Jungkook was pretty sure Jimin was gone with Namjoon to give him his “special present”. He had worked on a lap dance all week, making Jungkook stumble into some weird scenes whenever he came home, finding Jimin upside down over Taehyung’s lap while he tried to twerk with the other yelling at him that he wasn’t rubbing enough onto his dick. It was disturbing in a way and still he had laughed.

But no matter how loud the music was, his thoughts were still louder. Jungkook couldn’t stop thinking about Yoongi and what he had said. He had explained to Wonho over phone that Yoongi had some anger issues sometimes and that he didn’t know they were friends. Luckily for him, he bought it and wasn’t mad at him, nor Yoongi (if he wouldn’t come at him again). Jungkook didn’t know that for sure though. As much as he crushed on Yoongi in silence, Jungkook didn’t know much about him but the obvious: he was handsome, very much so and studied music and producing. He was friends with Hoseok, liked to drink, get into trouble and wear his leather jacket no matter the weather. He loved thriller movies and didn’t care about shutting people out in a matter of seconds. Jungkook had seen it at a party once, when he had been still nothing but a shadow to him. But now…Yoongi saw him. He wasn’t invisible anymore and he had told him that he liked him….in a way. Maybe just as friends? He’d be fine with that too and maybe eventually he could say something if this stupid crush ebbed down. But it didn’t, it only grew.

Jungkook wanted to ask Hoseok about what he had said to him. But he wasn’t brave enough. Hoseok would only need to look at him once to see that he was interested. So, he rather hid from everyone, pouring in a little more bowl and sipping on it quietly.

“Oh, there you are! I wondered if you had gone home already.” Yoongi had come to the party totally excited. Hoseok had told him that the boy with the angelic voice would be there and so he should go looking for him and he wanted too, he really did - but somehow his mind directed him back to Jungkook every time. And honestly who knew who this singer guy even was, maybe it would be awkward, or he was a stuck up idiot. There must be a reason why he didn’t want people to know that he was helping Hoseok, maybe he was totally strange. With Jungkook however he knew the evening would be nice. You couldn’t be with Jungkook and not feel good, that just wasn’t possible. So, he pretended as if he hadn’t been looking for him everywhere and casually leaned against the counter as well. “Are you enjoying the party?”

Jungkook almost choked on his drink, when Yoongi came in so suddenly. He hadn’t seen the other, yet and he wasn’t prepared.

He was never prepared!

Smiling awkwardly, Jungkook put his drink down and moved aside, leaving Yoongi to room to get himself either some of the beer or the bowl. He shrugged his shoulders as an answer, averting his gaze shyly. Here we go again, Jungkook thought to himself, feeling the heat crawl back into his cheeks and dusting it in a rose color when Yoongi moved closer.

Yoongi took some of the bowl and then took a sip, face turning into a grimace. “Ugh, that’s... disgusting actually. How can you drink that? I actually don’t want to kiss anyone from that party now in fear of them tasting like this!” He shuddered a little before he realized that Jungkook was drinking the same thing. “Oops.” He shrugged his shoulders and gestured to Jungkook's cup, “Guess I should take that back then.”

Jungkook’s eyes widened. Did he mean that like Jungkook thought he mean it? Yoongi wanted to kiss him? Even though he was drinking this disgusting bowl. He was freaking out inwardly. All color faded from his face and he hastily gulped down the whole drink in one go to not look at Yoongi further, while simultaneously thinking of a way to get out and get some air into his lungs because he felt like he was suffocating right now. In a good way. But also: did Yoongi just say that he would kiss him?

Yoongi laughed as Jungkook down his bowl in one go. “Was this a ‘hell no -I need to drink more of this’ or a ‘the sooner I drink up the sooner I can drink something else’ gesture?” The boy might be shy but if he really felt something he acted on it. Yoongi respected him for that. Like the way Jungkook had enjoyed his ice cream without giving a damn if someone else could stare (him, for example) or how he had just went away from the situation with Yoongi and his friend when it had become too much - or how he just drank up now, not caring that Yoongi had no idea what it meant.

Jungkook didn’t know what to do. His heart was beating so hard against his chest that it was hurting, and his breath came in short, quiet pants. He was sure he would faint. There was no doubt about it. Placing his cup aside, Jungkook shook his head and then nodded again and then shook it again because no matter what he did, he couldn’t answer Yoongi’s question without making him understand.

He raised his hands slowly, opening his mouth. He would be fine, he thought to himself. He had gotten so used to Yoongi being around in a way, it would be fine. He could talk to him. He would understand if he would explain. Everyone else had been fine with him talking, too…so Yoongi should be, too, right? He wouldn’t make a mess right now. He could form proper sentences. He wouldn’t gay panic and drool all over but say a functional sentence with words that made sense. Yes. Right…now.

Taking another deep breath, Jungkook opened his mouth again, when Hoseok stumbled into the kitchen, slightly drunk. His eyes flickered from Yoongi to Jungkook and then back to Yoongi, raising his eyebrow. “So, you found the angel, huh. How did you know it was him?” Hoseok asked and pushed them both apart to get to the bowl and fill up his cup. Jungkook was glad for the distraction, turning his face away from Yoongi as he tried to collect himself. He could do this. It was easy…just a few little words. Just words. Nothing more than simple words. Jungkook’s knuckles turned white with how hard he was gripping the kitchen counter, trying to take a deep breath and form his lips as if he wanted to say something. He could do it. Jungkook was so occupied with trying to control his storm of thoughts that he didn’t listen to what Hoseok was saying.

“You really won’t let go of him, hm? I’ll keep my eyes on you.” He was pointing at his eyes and then at Yoongi again with a narrowed glance.

Hoseok was apparently way more drunk that he looked because his words absolutely didn’t make sense. “The...what? Hoseok, you mixed something up. Jungkook wrote the lyrics.” If he couldn’t talk he was pretty sure that he also couldn’t sing. At Jungkook’s dumbfounded expression he explained, “Hobi showed me his new song and also the lyrics that you wrote for him. They are really good; I was impressed with your talent. Do you enjoy doing that?” And, because he felt bold he added with a wink, “What would I need to do to make you consider working with me too?”

Jungkook snapped around and looked like a deer in the headlight. How did Yoongi know about him helping Hoseok with the song? He was full on panicking now, biting on his lips nervously while Yoongi was talking to him.

“The only thing I’m mixing is my drink,” Hoseok added, chuckling at his own joke before he simply retreated, leaving Jungkook absolutely flustered. How could Hoseok do that to him? Yoongi out of all people. Jungkook had asked him to keep it hidden, to not tell anyone. He flushed red, hiding his face behind his hands and shook his head. He couldn’t believe it.

“Hey, are you okay? Did you drink that bowl too quickly? Want to catch some air?” Yoongi mistook Jungkook suddenly folding in on himself as not feeling well (which was not that wrong except that Jungkook felt emotionally ill, not physically).

Shaking his head some more, Jungkook stumbled back a little and then he stormed out. He really needed air right now. He had reacted completely on instinct and the moment the cold air hit him, Jungkook realized he looked like a complete fool now. Why couldn’t he get his shit together and just say something. Why did Yoongi make it so hard for him? Why couldn’t he just get over his fear? Anyone else could do it. But why not him? Jungkook whined helplessly.

Even though Jungkook had shown no sign that he wanted Yoongi to come with him the other went after him, nonetheless. He wanted to make sure that Jungkook was okay and if the younger really needed time to himself then he could go - but he didn't want to leave him alone without knowing for sure that this was what he wanted. He ran out of the house and then stopped short because Jungkook was standing in the front yard, hunched forward and looking painfully miserable. Yoongi carefully approached him before gently asking, “Do you need to throw up? Do you want me to get you to the bathroom?”

There was silence between them.

Yoongi cared about him. Again. Jungkook knew that he shouldn’t, but he couldn’t keep himself away from this. From Yoongi. From whatever this was. With a blush on his cheeks, he opened his mouth once more…closed it and then opened it again.

His heart was beating so hard that Jungkook could feel it in his throat. It was constricting him. Hands shaking as he fumbled around with his shirt.

“I…” His voice was only a croak, “I…I’m okay.” Jungkook mumbled the words more than he said them, his arms wrapped around his own body as he shivered in the cold. He pulled the sleeves of his sweater a little further over his hands, pushing up his glasses, a faint smile pulling at the corner of his lips. He had done it. He said two words. He could do a little more. Jungkook closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I…I’m fine. I…Hoseok just…” He blushed, wiping over his face with his sweater to hide it a little more, “I’m s-sorry.”

Yoongi stared at him, gaping like a fish. Had he drunk too much? Was he hallucinating? He blinked, but nothing changed. They were still standing awkwardly in the front yard of Namjoon’s place and Jungkook was smiling softly at him as if he hadn’t just dropped a bomb. “Did you.. did you just talk to me?”

Jungkook nodded slowly, fumbling around with the hem of his sweater. “Y-y-yeah,” He spoke again, giggling softly and quietly, thinking that he finally managed to do right, but when he saw that Yoongi now was the one with the color fading from his face, he immediately reached out for him.

Yoongi took a step back, his walls coming up. He furrowed his brows as he spoke again, now way more guarded and neutral than before. “I thought.. I thought you were mute. Is this like... funny to you? Pretending not to be able to talk and keeping others guessing? Is this some kind of attention seeking thing?”

How could he have been so wrong about the boy? And why on earth had Hobi participated in this charade? Why hadn’t he just told him that Jungkook was playing games with him? He felt hurt and lost and he regretted ever having spilled his secrets to Jungkook. It must have been so funny to Jungkook to see him opening up while he literally hadn’t spoken a single word to him in return.

It didn’t even take Jungkook one second to retreat into his shell again. He pulled his hand back, startling with how angry Yoongi sounded out of a sudden. Mute? Why would he think that he was mute? And suddenly it all made sense. The way Yoongi had talked to him, had tried to protect him because he thought he wasn’t able to. Averting his gaze onto his feet, Jungkook didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t good at these kinds of things and now he had made him mad. This was a mess, just like he had predicted. Whenever he said something it turned into a whole fucking chaotic mess for him.

Jungkook felt like crying. He could feel his bottom lip start to tremble, trying to form the words ‘I am sorry’ but only a whimper came from him.

“Fuck, this is just a waste of my time!” Yoongi was growling, angry and bitter while in reality he was just hurt. It had been so long since he had gotten swept off his feet by someone and Jungkook had done just that, he had come into his focus and then took all of his attention, making him dizzy from it and his heartbeat into overdrive whenever he had thought of him. Ad now it turned out that he had just been a part of Jungkook’s game. There was a reason he normally didn’t let people in; it always ended like this. With the hurt squeezing his chest and filling his stomach with acid while he was wishing to never feel like this ever again.

When he turned away from Jungkook, he bumped right into Hoseok. Great. That was the second person he needed right now. Hoseok’s eyes flickered over to Jungkook who was literally on the verge of tears now, trying to hide in his oversized sweater and then back to Yoongi who looked like he was ready to fight someone. “What happened?” When the other tried to ignore him, Hoseok held him back by his jacket, “Did you hurt him?”

Yoongi swatted his hands away, not playfully but with enough force to make it clear that he would hurt Hobi if he tried to hold him back again. “Are you seriously asking if I hurt him? You, who let him play his little stunt on me? I thought we were friends! Why didn’t you tell me that this ‘being mute’ thing was just a facade to get me to care?”

“Are you fucking stupid or something?” Hoseok shook his head and hissed at him, whispering low so that Jungkook wouldn’t hear too much, “Don’t you get it? It took three weeks for him to talk to me. He still doesn’t talk to Namjoon either and it took him a few weeks to start talking to Jimin. When he moved in with him, Jungkook waited until Jimin was asleep and then sneaked into the shower. I don’t fuck around like this, Yoongi. Not with Jungkook…he’s too good for that, I told you. Mute? Really? Do you think he’s one to play games like that? Look at him, really look at him…” Hoseok shook his head, “It is Jungkook who sang the song and it is also the boy who is too shy to talk to you because he always had a thing for you. Fucking always. But you never saw him. Do you remember the day you came into the studio because you forgot your notebook? You asked why I had it ‘on recording’ when I wasn’t even singing in the booth. Jungkook was fucking hiding.” He chuckled low, peeking over his shoulder to see if Jungkook was okay. “It’s so easy for him to be overseen, do you think he’d fuck around with you for the fun of it? You’re really dumb, Yoongi and he didn’t even need to talk to you to make you give over your heart. He only needed you to see him. Not everyone is out to hurt you, Yoongs.”

Yoongi was ready to fight when Hoseok called him dumb, anger and hurt mixing into a dangerous combination that made him defiant and wary and cold. Only when Hoseok told him to look at Jungkook did his walls crack a little. Because when he turned Jungkook was still standing there but he had his sleeves pulled over his hands again, fiddling with them as if to distract himself from the stress he was in right now. He couldn’t look at Yoongi and it was obvious that he was trying his hardest not to cry. It was 180° away from the shy but happy boy who had found enough courage to talk to him a few minutes ago. Though in his fear of being used and lied to and made fun of Yoongi had lashed out at everyone around him, Kook and Hobi alike the second his insecurities got the better of him.

“Kook is... he really is that shy? And he’s your secret singer?” He asked, had to, really, just to be 100 percent sure or else his fear would keep nagging at him, undermining every certainty he might gain. Suddenly it made a lot more sense what Hobi had said in the kitchen - and also that the singer had wanted to stay anonymous.

Jungkook just couldn’t handle too much attention.

Hoseok smiled, “Yes, he is. And I still mean what I said…if you hurt Jungkook...” Nudging his friends side, he laughed, “You’re really stupid sometimes. I hope you know that…” When Hoseok turned around though, wanting to get Jungkook back inside with them, maybe get them a quiet place to talk, he saw that the younger had turned his back onto them, starting to walk away with his shoulders hunched over. Before Yoongi could run after him, or call out his name, Hoseok held him back one last time, “If you bail on him, block his number after a few days or don’t give him your jacket when he’s cold…I will come for you, just so you remember. He deserves someone that wants to listen to him in exchange.”

Yoongi rolled his eyes. “I’d never. He can have my jacket whenever he wants. My leather jacket.” Hoseok gasped in fake surprise. “So are we good?” He waited until his friend nodded before turning back to Jungkook and running after him.

“Hey, Jungkook! Kook! Kookie!” The younger didn’t stop so he ran a little faster until he caught up with him. “Stop ignoring me I know you’re not deaf! And not mute either. So please, please talk to me! I promise I won’t be mean again and start yelling for no reason. I was just... I was scared you had been playing me and…,“ He sighed before deciding that if Jungkook was supposed to overcome his fears and talk to him then he would have to overcome his fears as well and keep opening up, “...and I was really hurt because I liked you so much. Like... really liked you. The way that you can’t just erase if you find out that the other person isn’t who you thought they were. But surprise turns out you weren’t pretending at all and I’m just bothering you… again. So, what do you say? Two coffees now? And some cheesecake?”

Jungkook stopped, eyes searching Yoongi’s while the other was opening up to him, bearing his heart right in front of him. “I’m not good at this,” He whispered, his heart aching inside his chest and Jungkook wiped over his eyes, making his glasses almost fall and he quickly pushed them back up his nose. He felt dizzy from the emotional rollercoaster and he was scared Yoongi would hurt him again.

“H-how do you know you like me when…when I don’t t-talk.” Jungkook raked a hand through his hair nervously, “Wh-what if I do and I make it worse? I already did. I always make a mess. I’m not even as pretty as the…the exchange student! I’m...” Jungkook sighed, feeling like a mess already again. Why couldn’t he do it as easily as the others? He honest to god just wanted to go home, hide under his covers and cry.

“That’s easy. I like you cause you’re kindhearted and courageous and smart. And you are talented and creative, and you have an angel’s voice even though you don’t show it. We communicated all the time; I don’t need you to spell out every word for me to understand you. And who knows maybe you’ll feel comfortable enough around me that you might even forget your shyness. And you didn’t make it ‘worse’ with talking, I was just surprised that’s all. You won’t surprise me like that again. Unless you scream at me for no reason or hide behind something to jump out. I got to warn you though I’ve got a mean right hook and it’s kind of reflex. You see you’re not the only one who’s not the easiest to be with. So, if you can handle being with me then I’m pretty sure I can handle being with you. Deal?” He felt like confessing again and telling Kook that he was like the most beautiful person he had ever seen might not be such a good idea if he didn't want to overwhelm him so he hoped that Jungkook would just forget what he had said.

“B…being with you?“ Jungkook asked carefully, not sure if Yoongi meant the same way he had dreamed about so many times before. “But you’re Yoongi…you can be with anyone a-and you don’t care.” Jungkook was biting his lip, “And shouldn’t we go out then first? Like a date? With…movies and stuff and...I’m not sure.” He hesitated, averting his gaze as he shyly admitted, “I’ve never been with someone.”

Jungkook’s shy objections weren’t a ‘no’ so Yoongi felt hopeful. “Sorry, yeah, I got a little carried away there. Of course, there will be dates. First two coffees with Cheesecake like I owe you. Then whatever else you want to do. And then you can decide if you want to consider being in a relationship with me - so that Hobi can stop pretending like you’re some maiden and I’m trying to ruin your reputation. He can’t say anything if we make it official, right?” He was joking a little, half for Jungkook to lighten the mood and half for himself because honestly he had no idea what he was doing and was completely out of his depth here. Relationships, officially being boyfriends, classical dating - he couldn’t remember when he had last attempted those things let alone cared for them. Though for Jungkook he would try his best to make the younger feel as comfortable as possible.

“And if you don’t like it we can always .. go back to how it was before.” Though he hated that thought. Because he was pretty sure that now that he had seen Jungkook and had gotten to know him better he could never just ‘casually go back to nodding vaguely at each other in the hallways when they met because they were friends of a friend.

Jungkook nodded slowly, biting his lip in thought. “Oh-okay,” He finally said and smiled, butterflies starting to fly in his stomach making him feel light like a feather for a moment. Blushing sweetly, he pointed at Yoongi’s pants again, nodding towards his phone.

Yoongi raised his eyebrow at him, a smile pulling at the corner of his lips when he realized what he wanted. Taking out his phone, he gave it over to him adding in a low voice (that instantly send a shiver down Jungkook’s spine), “You won’t run away this time, right?” This time though he hoped that Jungkook would enter his number and not write a text cause even though it had been cute he would really like to be able to call him this time.

Jungkook shook his head and started typing in his phone number. “That’s how you do it. I’ll give you my phone number and then you call me and ask me out again. And then we meet. Somewhere. You choose. Just like they do it all the time, right?” His heartbeat was picking up, as he simply recalled everything he learned from movies, “First phone number, then kiss.” He smiled brightly, cheeks aflamed as he gave Yoongi his phone back.

“Alright, you call the shots.” A smile was tugging at his lips. “Just tell me when I’ve got permission to kiss you - or show me if words are not an option then.”

Jungkook couldn’t help but giggle, feeling absolutely embarrassed because he wanted to kiss Yoongi. He really wanted to. But they were out in the open. Not far from the dorms and Jungkook was nervous. Hella nervous. Bringing up his sweater paws he hid his face in them, “I-I want to…but I’m…”

“You mean like.. right now?” When Jungkook shyly nodded, hiding his face even further in his hands Yoongi gently reached out for him to pry his hands away from his face, slowly so that Jungkook could stop him if he really couldn’t handle this. “What’s stopping you then, baby?” He got closer until he stood right in front of him, sneaking his fingers into Jungkook’s sleeve so that he could hold onto his fingers instead of the sweater. Only when he felt Jungkook holding onto him too did he continue. He leaned his head against Jungkook’s forehead, giving the younger time to get used to their closeness, to decide if he really wanted this and then, when there was no objection he tilted his head, slowly brushing his lips against Jungkooks.

Jungkook’s heart skipped a beat, then two and then he wasn’t so sure if he was even still alive.

He fell against Yoongi, fully trusting him to catch him, because it felt too good to feel his warm lips against his own. It felt absolutely perfect, with their fingers laced together and lips melting against one another. Jungkook knew he was already addicted. When they broke the kiss Yoongi felt breathless even though it was the softest and most delicate kiss he ever gave to someone. He gently squeezed Jungkook’s hand to check if he was okay. “Are you good?” The smile was impossible to wipe off his face, “Do you think you could get used to this?”

“Y-yeah,” Jungkook bit his lip to keep from smiling too hard and then he just let his heart decide for once. It felt too good to be so close to Yoongi, but he was too shy to initiate another kiss, so he simply stepped closer and hugged him. Hands pushed into his jacket, embracing Yoongi softly as he leaned his head on his shoulder. “C-can we do the date and cheesecake now?”

Jungkooks open affection took him by surprised but he had to confess that he absolutely loved this; feeling Jungkook’s warms seeping through his shirt and knowing that this hug alone was a sign of trust so big that it was practically a love confession. “Yes.” Carefully he carded his fingers through the youngers curly hair, “Let’s skip the party and go look for slices of cheesecake. And if Namjoon is mad that we left his birthday party we promise him that he can throw flowers on our wedding if he wants.” He adored the beautiful blush on Jungkook’s cheeks, happy that he could still tease the younger a little and giving him a cheeky wink.

Though deep down in his heart a tiny, tender part was whispering that maybe this joke might come true in the end. Who knew maybe - despite being the odd ones and the outsiders - they would get their happily ever after as well.

A/N: Yay!!! Happy End!!! Talking about happy, Cat and I are so glad that you liked this short little fluff so much so far and we already talked about writing a few more “shorter” fluffs for you guys. Leave us a comment down below on what you think :) Will Yoonkook work out or will they eventually break off again? Will it get too much for Yoongi one day? *sighs* We will never find out ;) hihiihihi LOVE YOU GUYS

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[thefloresgarden]

Sad tales of a 20 something. -FRIENDS AND WEIRD WAYS TO FIND THEM-

Hello! Back again from a long ass time of taking a break from this site and my 2 followers who don’t even reblog my writings.

Anyway, the reason i’m back is because i actually show this blog to one of my bestestssss friends in the world and encourage me to keep going and well here i am.

So i was thinking, maybe since a friend of mine made me come back, I should write about that. So this is it, an Ode to my friends.

I have always been sort of a friendly character, at least in my mind i am. Even when i was a kid and used to cry a lot and be a bit on the side shy, I always had a lot of friends. I even dare to say I was one of the first girls in my fifth grade class yo have actual good guy friends, not only the “popular” kids that chased girls to see under their skirts. Actual good and close friends that I’m still friends with.

So, I went to the same school from elementary until high school, meaning that i had been with the same people for around 12 years, and damn i was tired of it, not from my friends, not from a lot of people to be honest, but maybe more with myself and my lack of abilities to make new friends.

That leads me to my new found weird way to make friends. It started in college when i started as a music engineer major before switching to media and film. Engineering not always equals to men, in this case i guess it did. Some may say having all guy friends is easier no drama and shit, and is true for some part, I’m still grateful of all the guys of my Music engineering program that adopted me and ate lunch with me every day, not to the rest of engineering students that are “nice guys” by mansplaining anything on the math class board before the teacher (female) started explaining, though not gonna lie i didn’t understand shit, i still didn’t want some greasy hair guy with a weird stain on his shirt,that i pray it was toothpaste, to explain me shit. I can fail this class on my own thank you very much.

My first girl friend in college was a girl on the bus that i knew my cousins was a friend with but never formally met her before and i chatted her ear off in the way home, i was so excited i forgot i could be a chatty bitch when i feel happy. When they left the bus (her and her roommate who is lovely too) I started to replay everything we talked about and was already very much regretting living because i was so cringey. I guess i wasn’t that bad, I got a Facebook friend request and became pretty close after that.

First friend I made in my new major program (who i made before switching because of mutual clases) was a girl that i always saw in my favorite class, “Signs, symbols and significances” she was funny, very friendly and clearly friends with at least three quarters of the class. I decided that was my next mission, i left my guy friends side after an exam in our common class and went literally running towards her and another girl (amazing person too) I asked them in the most awkward way how the exam was for them and even if they thought i was weird they didn’t show it and were so nice with me.

I made a mistake though, I told the girl i had a mission on (to be close to) she seemed familiar outside class and she said i did too but we couldn’t remember where from. Until I realized she was the girl that i met in my first day of school in math class and sat next to her. That, until i didn’t hear my name while checking the list and was told that wasn’t the math class, everyone laughed i stand up and trip and yell “puta madre” so hard everyone laughed again. I then found out that story was so funny to her she actually used it as an ice breaker when meeting new people and started introducing me as the “puta madre” to everyone. At least she got me a lot of new friends, and besides having passed more than 5 years, she still reminds me of it and she still is one of my closest friends.

Another story, I was an exchange student and knew nothing about the culture (only basics, didn’t want to be rude), the language or anyone in this new country. I was so lost I literally was trying hookup apps to meet friends (never works tho, at least on me). It was my second day in Seoul and saw there was a kpop concert of one of the three groups I actually knew and my baby brother was a fan of, i checked and there were some tickets left, bought them, put on a pretty dress and left. Going to a concert alone is not that bad, going to a concert alone in a country you have been for 5 minutes and also understand shit, that is a fucking nightmare.

I met some friendly girls from USA that helped me out to figure the shit out in the venue, they told me they were living in Korea for like 5 years and still couldn’t even read, which i thought wow kinda disrespectful but anyway i wasn’t going to let go of anyone friendly anytime soon. Met some other girls that came to the country only for the concert which wow commitment. And then I was left alone again when taking the seats (standing spots to be exact). The concert was cool even if I didn’t understand shit and I’m 87% sure I even caught eyes with some of the guys in the group a few times. The concert ended and I wish I could say I captivated one of the kpop guys and that is my next friend meeting story but, nope is not and honestly i wouldn’t change it for any of the hot men that were on stage.

Fast forward the first day of school, i was lost and ask a girl for a classroom, she was very nice and told me where it was but that the class was in like 30 more minutes. We made small talk and i sat on a bench in the opposite way of her. The girl next to her was saying she had this next class that sounded kinda familiar, and I realized it was my same class so I told her to go together. Once inside the classroom I saw her phone and she had a familiar face as her screensaver, it clicked, it was one of the guys of the concert! I asked her and she said it was him and that she went to the concert too and we decided to had lunch together. From that day on we became pretty much inseparables, until she got the sleaziest guy in the world as a boyfriend but we don’t talk about shit in my safe space so that is a story for another day. Besides that terrible guy and his best friend who dated me only to dumped me weeks later to play LOL 24/7, I got my baby, my mijita who i love so very much and again, wouldn’t change a bit.

Lastly in this post, not in life nor in place of my heart, is a little blessing (literally) that came to me from heaven! She didn’t even know this, but a semester before she was having her abroad year in my country I was in one my deepest holes in my life. My mind was empty but my eyes always filled with sad tears. That semester before, nothing major changed in routine, in my family, in my life as in general. But somehow it did in my brain, my heart was feeling agitated for no reason, my palms were sweaty and shaking all the time and my brain was as it was shut down. I got the big D, and not as in a big nice dick getting me fucked, but another type of fucked nonetheless. Depression, the kind of weird illness that can’t be seen but oh dude it can be felt, and felt is all i did, i felt sadness, loneliness even with a full house and a full line of friends ready to help me. Sometimes shit just happens.

Took a semester off and when I came back I decided to faked it until i made it, and it was going great. I did cry back at home a few times a week but i could hold it during classes or in front of people, great advance. I decided to focus in what made feel best, dressing in my favorite shit and letting everyone out of my arts and humanities department have a nice view of it. And then I see her, weird to say i still remember how cool she looked, tall as fuck, wearing all black, shaved head and what i got to find out were her trusty black vans. I got obsessed with her fashion style and decided my next mission, be friends with her, or at least for her to acknowledge my presence. I saw her talking to a close friend (another great meet cute story for another day) so i decided it was my moment, I said hi and was introduced to her, we chatted a few minutes and got along pretty well. Her amazing style and bad ass british accent made me feel i was in bad rom-com where we were both straight and platonically soulmates. I saw her again outside the bathroom while i was waiting some friends, we talked for an hour, she invited me to a party and we had dinner first (so romantic, I know) at dinner I thought it was going to be awkward until we both realized our mutual love for SZA and Idris Elba. We never stopped talking after that, she even went back to my hometown for 2 weeks with me, where all my family loved her and strangers treated her like a celebrity. She calls my parents tíos and we talk as much as we can now that she is back at her country.

I miss her everyday and there is not a minute I am not grateful i met her.

These are some of the stories of how I met some of my friends, my closest ones and those that are still with me in every step I take. I can tell you one million more ways of how i met friends i love so dearly, but that is for some other day my hands aren’t hurting for writing only with my thumbs in my phone.

And what I care and love most about all these, is that I would never want to change being the weird girl that catches a hunch and runs towards people that will mean the world for.

FRIENDS I LOVE YOU ALL. 

[ibuproffie]

snr szn ~ advice for high school seniors

it’s not gonna be perfect, and that’s ok. high school movies tell us that senior year is this amazing time in your life where you have all these formative experiences that shape the course of your destiny or something, but in my experience this is not really the case. my senior year was somehow both excruciatingly slow and very fast, and it had ups and downs just like any other school year. so if your senior year isn’t a wonderful collection of instagrammable moments, don’t worry. everyone else is finding “senior season” a little underwhelming too, even the people who seem to be having the most fun. quite frankly, you shouldn’t want your senior year of high school to be the best year of your life. 

college apps are important, but you don’t have to kill yourself over them. i know, i can say this because i just finished them, but it’s so true. applying to college is a horrible, tedious process that i’m going to attempt to break down in another masterpost. i went to a high school where people were fucking obsessed with getting into college, and it was sort of horrifying to watch people self-destruct over the process. even i (and i consider myself a fairly private, non-competitive, even-keeled person) went a little nuts towards the end. i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again, there is no reason on god’s green earth to apply to twenty or more schools. it’s expensive (most application fees are 60+ USD), time-consuming, and stressful. the only reason i can even see why you might be doing this is if you qualify for a bunch of application fee waivers, but even then, it’s just stupid. most colleges make you write secondary essays in addition to the common or coalition app essay, and that doesn’t even factor in scholarship applications, interview prep, and keeping up with school on top of everything. the best thing you can do for yourself is pick around ten-ish schools that you’re actually serious about attending and skip the hassle. you will get into at least one college if you apply smart. trust me. the people i know who went ham with applications were miserable all the time (even the smartest ones) and most of them didn’t even get into their top choice schools. when you’re churning out 3+ essays every month, it follows that they’re not all gonna be winners. additionally, know that life will go on even if you don’t get into harvard. relax. you have an entire life ahead of you. even if it doesn’t work out exactly how you planned, good things take time, ya feel? 

you’re still valid even if you don’t participate in every “senior activity” possible. “but it’s your last pep rally!!” “you HAVE to go to prom!!” “let’s go to every football game this season!!”  no. just no. you’re really not gonna remember a lot of this stuff. if large crowds of ppl aren’t your thing, if you’re stressed or tired, if you don’t have the money (a lot of these “senior only” activities are EXPENSIVE expensive or at least they were at my school), or if you just have no interest in homecoming or whatever, IT’S FINE. you don’t have to justify this stuff to other people. i let ppl guilt trip me into doing a bunch of shit for our “last high school memories” or whatever and uhhh i didn’t always have a good time. for one thing, i’ve never had a shit ton of school spirit or whatever and two, being around crowds of ppl is pretty draining for me. the only “senior activity” i actually enjoyed was prom, but i knew ppl who skipped out on that and ya know what? i think they were ok. i never bought a yearbook. it’s fine. you should shape your senior year around what’s mentally/financially safe for you + and what you’re actually interested in, not what people expect you to do.

you don’t really have to do extracurricular activities this year, so don’t do anything you’re not truly passionate about. i stopped doing a lot of stuff like model un and science olympiad this year because i just wasn’t interested in them anymore. and i don’t regret it. to be blunt, you already have the lines on your resume filled by those activities if you’ve done them for a long time. so if you’re not feelin’ it, don’t waste your time. just do the things you wanna do. i did a lot of theater stuff last year and had a great time. it was super rewarding and i had a pretty good time with my castmates, and i was glad i had done that instead of more “academic” activities like scioly. 

it’s ok to be unsure about your plans for the future. for some reason, this is the year, every adult in your life is gonna be like, “wHaT’s Ur MaJoR???” and “wHaT jOb Do YoU wAnNa HaVe wHeN u GrOw uP??” as a result, you can start to feel a lot of pressure around having an answer prepared, and if you are on the fence about what you wanna do with your life, you can feel like other ppl have their shit together a lot more and that you’re aimless and stupid. trust me, you’re not, though. i personally think it’s unfair that we expect 18 y/os, who in many ways are still kids, to have their whole life planned out. a lot is still liable to change even after high school, and I think you’ll be remiss if you don’t allow your dreams and ambitions to change with it. if you’re truly unsure about your plans but you know you’re going to college, i’d recommend making sure none of the places you’re applying to are going to lock you down in a major when you set foot on campus. i have friends who are going to large universities who have already basically declared a major, which to me seems like an odd system. if 4-yr college isn’t in the cards for you for whatever reason, try taking a year off, getting a job, or community college. a lot of ppl i know look down on ccs, but to my knowledge, community college can be a great start to figuring out what you wanna do with your life. you have time. don’t rush it.

getting sick of your school friends is normal. it sounds mean, but in my experience, it’s true. i mean you’ve gone to school with these people for 4 or more years now, and you’ve changed a lot. and that doesn’t mean you don’t like them and wish them well, but there can be days where you’re like “omg pls stop talking to me rn!!” especially in that lull after application season. don’t be mean to anyone ofc, but realize that feeling exasperated with your peers is just part of the process, and you’re not a bad person for wanting a little bit of space. in my experience, unless the issue is w regards to toxicity or people being generally shitty, ppl will be able to connect w each other much more normally after school is over. 

you will get senioritis to some degree, but you have to push through it. it must be great to be one of those people who literally never stops working. but for the vast majority of us, some kind of senioritis will slap us in the ass after applications are done. you will have no motivation to do coursework but! remember that coursework needs to be completed! to be completely honest, once you’ve been accepted to college, you really only need to maintain a C average to not get rescinded, and i knew plenty of people who screwed around more than i did and they didn’t get their admission rescinded. but like, you don’t want to be one of those people who somehow fails a class because you don’t “feel like” doing the homework. you need to graduate, you need to hold onto your scholarship, and you need to maintain your accepted status. quite honestly, you need to kick ur own ass and make yourself work, whether that’s by turning down invites to hang out, or putting your phone in a different room. also, don’t be that person who’s playing iphone games in every class. your teachers will think you’re an asshole, and that’s really not the move. 

you don’t have to take everyone’s advice. this is the year everyone wants to be an expert on adulting, whether that’s your peers or parents’ colleagues or school counselors. in the end, your are the only one who can decide what’s right for you based on your financial situation and what you are comfortable with. i’m not saying “don’t take anyone’s advice”, because i truly believe there are some people out there who have the means to help you succeed. but i think you should pick and choose because you’re about to be fed a deluge of information that may or may not be useful or relevant to what you want to do. for example, people told me that i was limiting myself by not applying to any ivy league schools or very many competitive universities, or that i should lie about my race on my application (!!) because of the bias against ppl of asian descent in college admissions (note: i actually wrote about my heritage in my common app essay so it wasn’t like it was some secret lmao), which were uhhh not helpful. do what feels right and don’t feel the need to humor ppl who don’t have your best interests at heart. 

don’t compare yourself with other ppl. it’s natural to be a little jealous of peers who snag acceptances to prestigious colleges on full-tuition scholarships or land dream jobs/gap-year programs right out of high school. it’s a bit of an ugly feeling, but i’m not gonna sit here and say i didn’t wish i was one of those people at a point. that’s disingenuous in the extreme. it’s ok to be disappointed if everything doesn’t all work out, but at a certain point you need to accept what’s happening to you and make the very damn best of it. wallowing in self-pity just because your classmates are succeeding is just stupid. also, recognize that everyone’s ability to achieve their post-hs goals is wildly different based on their own circumstances. if you are less financially able to pay for college, for example, your opportunities are more limited than someone with a six-figure college fund. it’s quite frankly naive to assume that everyone shares your experience. be happy for people who do well. be happy for people who are proud of themselves. don’t try to take other people down because you’re feeling bitter. i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again-other people’s success is not your failure. 

take time to do some much needed self care. senior year can be hectic, and it’s important to disengage from stressful situations. take a walk. watch a movie with your friends. take a long shower. don’t think you have to be “productive” all the time. you won’t be, and that’s ok. 

[am-stories]

Introduction to My WIP’s (pls forgive i suck at explaining ideas)

Eradicate: This is the story this blog was initially for but then I kept getting ideas for other stories. This is also my longest running WIP -- I started this story when I was THIRTEEN! This will be the sixth year of me working on it, due to constant procrastination and restarting, plus the fact that I gave up on it for a full year once. Over the years, I’ve been struggling to figure out if this story would be better suited as a novel, graphic novel, web comic, etc. I still haven’t truly decided.

When an illness starts to rapidly spread across the world, causing humans to lose their ability to function normally and attack each other (cough zombies cough), major cities are forced into quarantine. The quarantined cities are relatively safe, so long as you’re of some importance, but when a homeless shelter is ignored in their times of need, the survivors in the shelter decide to escape the quarantine zone, unaware of just how much worse it is on the outside. The survivors of the homeless shelter stick together, trying to learn the ways of the new world and trying to find what they were unable to before the world ended; a home.

The Outskirts of Life: This story I’ve been struggling to figure out, but it means a lot to me. The idea for this story came early this year, while I was in college. I was going through a bout of depression. One of the worst ones I’ve had in years. Basically because I felt all alone at college and I was constantly exhausted due to the fact that I was studying at a private university, and paying for it by myself, and working on the school play every night. I was even having suicidal thoughts during this time. I remember just being at work, exhausted and in desperate need of a break, and suddenly this idea came to me and I instantly felt lighter. I don’t know if it was because I had no time to draw or write anymore or what, but I just felt so much better and excited by the idea of creating again. And that night, I thought about ideas for the story all day at work and then rushed to my dorm to write it down.

This is a story about a city, and a girl within the city. The city would be called “Life,” probably in a different language so the metaphor is less obvious. This girl is struggling with depression when she meets another lost soul. They become friends and this person tells the girl to meet her on the outskirts of the city. When they go there, the girl finds out she can leave the city, which is something she didn’t realize she could do because it was so unheard of. At first the girl is against the idea of leaving, but then she feels compelled to see what the outskirts have to offer. She learns that past the outskirts, it can feel freeing at first, but the longer people stay there, the darker and scarier it becomes. I still have a LOT of figuring out to do with this story, especially with how to execute it without romanticizing mental illness or suicide. But I want it to ultimately be about her learning to embrace Life, even if it does seem hopeless and mediocre at times.

Marnie and the Chosen Ones: I haven’t read or seen The Babysitter’s Club, but for some reason I feel like these would be sorta similar. This story hasn’t really been fleshed out at all, but it’s something that I’m interested in writing for myself. Basically because I didn’t get to have an experience like this in my high school and I think it would have been so beneficial for me.

Marnie is a young person in high school and she decides that she wants to form a Gender-Sexuality Alliance (GSA) so that she can feel less alone, and educate other students in her school. The club starts out scarce and they have to go through hurdles, such as bullying from other students and faculty forcing them to censor themselves. Within the club, the members form a new family and learn that real love is unconditional.

Unnamed Idea #1: This idea came from a dream oops. I actually kinda see this story not in the form of a novel, but maybe as an RPG Maker game. (If you don’t know what that is, maybe you’ve heard of Ib, Mad Father, The Witch’s House? Those are still some of my favorite games ever.) I’ve always wanted to make an RPG Maker game but didn’t have the means to. I may splurge and buy the program one day but for now I’ll just write what i have in mind for it. c:

This story is about Ana Kumari and a few other lost souls. (I’ve said lost souls twice now... oh well) Ana has just moved to a new city for her partner’s job. She tries to be optimistic about life, but she feels it’s just... lackluster. Her relationship, job, family life, apartment all just feel mediocre to her. This feeling becomes more and more overwhelming because her 30′th birthday is coming up and she feels as though she hasn’t made any impact on the world around her. One day, she notices Christmas decorations being put up. She urges her partner to come see them with her, but they refuse so she decides to go anyways. Along the way, she notices someone drop a device. She tries to return it to them, but after chasing them, she finds herself lost. She becomes trapped somewhere, seemingly underground, with strange threats around every corner. Overtime, as she tries to find her way out, she meets others trapped in there and discovers that the device leads you to your greatest desires. Not until each person trapped inside figures out their greatest desire will they be able to escape.

Unnamed Idea #2: I literally got this idea from a dream I had LAST NIGHT but I lied in bed contemplating ideas for it for two hours afterwards so I’m gonna include it. c: Although I think this dream was inspired by the tiktok soulmate trend thing so if I ever wrote this it would probably not be something I try to get published. But that’s okay, I think it’d be fun to write. c: 

In a time of war, many people never get to meet their soulmates. If they do, they don’t always get much time with them. On each person’s 18th birthday, a birthmark appears somewhere on their body. Their soulmate gets the same exact mark, in the same exact area, on their birthday as well. Two women meet and quickly become friends. One of them has already received her mark, and the other’s birthday is in a few weeks from the start of the story. They instantly gravitate towards each other, like most soul mates do when they first meet, but this confuses them because all their lives they were told same-sex soulmates didn’t exist. After a bit of suppressing their feelings, they both accept that they have feelings for one another. The younger one is almost certain that her mark will match the older one’s. But the older girl’s almost certain they won’t match despite their intense feelings for one another. One day, the older girl goes to meet her lover, only to find that her house is empty. She’s devastated until she gets a letter in the mail. Her family had to leave because her brother had been drafted for the war. The end of the letter only says “Find me.” The older girl decides that even if they are not soulmates, what they have is worth the heartbreak. So despite her fears, she gets ready for the road trip to find the love of her life again.

Aaanddd that’s it right now. C: 

This is honestly scary, but I’m proud of myself. Eradicate is the only story I’ve told people about in any detail, and that’s always been online. This is also online but... It’s progress! :D 

Many All of the ideas need a LOT of work, as most of them are still in the very early stages of existing. But I’m excited to do that work. c:

[isamabella]

Any tips for those of us going into our freshman year of college? Thank you for your time!

 Sooooo I definitely accidentally wrote you a literal 2 page essay with horrible grammar so im very very sorry ahead of time and I'm sure you regret asking😬

I think the first thing that comes to mind is be flexible. I used to plan out classes months ahead of time and make back up plans. That’s great, but freshman got last pick for classes. Even more if your last name was toward the end of the alphabet like mine. This meant classes I planned ahead of time were waitlisted or closed by the time I could enroll. This often left me frantic even though it it worked out every time. The Nevada higher education system also “encourages” students to take 15 credits per semester instead of 12. By encourage, I mean threatening to take financial aid away. I think knowing that was hanging over my head and ability to pay for school only made it worse. So yes, make a plan, but don’t be so rigid that you’re basically anxious every day because of it. Most people change majors multiple times. I changed it 3 times in a year and a half. If you decide to do a minor, don’t feel pressure to make it related to whatever your career goals are. I did my bachelors in public health with a minor in addiction treatment services. They went well together, but I chose the minor because I was interested in it. If you want to be an art major with a biology minor, go for it.

Find balance! I struggle with this constantly and I’m 6 years and two degrees in. I won’t tell you not to procrastinate, because that’s how I operate. So many people would tell me to “just get it done early”. It’s just not how I work even now. I will say try not to binge study. Even when you’re studying the night before an exam, take breaks. It probably sounds like common sense, but just like times when I procrastinate, I also have the terrible habit of trying to learn everything at once. I did this the other day actually. I learned 148 anatomical terms and locations in about 7 hours for a 15 question quiz. I should’ve taken breaks and spread out the time frame.

Professors! You’re going to have some loose butthole professors. Generally though, just be respectful of them. College students can be massive assholes toward the professors, don’t be another one. I’d also encourage utilizing office hours. I never did and I actually think I put myself at a disadvantage. Oh! I was a TA my senior year for my friend’s class. From my perspective as a TA, once again don’t be a jerk. Don’t be embarrassed to ask for help. From experience, professors want to help. Side note, some like hearing you liked the topic and stuff like that. Especially when it’s a rough class. Be genuine though. Don’t do it to suck up. It’s hard to teach huge classes. My friend’s was 180 the semester I was his TA. There were a couple times when he just said he was done teaching for the day, because of how terrible some of the students were being in class. Most professors are trying their best. Remember that. They’re human too.

Kind of odd, but please know how to write an email! One of my many roommates I’ve had over the years took the class I TA’d with her friend. Her friend emailed me asking about the midterm. The problem was that her email didn't have her actual name, there was no general greeting like “hey”, there was no signature, AND no subject line. So I didn’t answer it. She ended up asking me when she was at my apartment one night why I didn't answer. You won’t get an answer if you don’t do the bare minimum of writing a decent email.

Know your student ID number. You may or may not need it, but know it or have it on your phone in case.

For the love of god, if you need a question answered for a class, check the syllabus multiple times before emailing. Kind of related, I work at one of my school’s offices, and the idea of researching applies here too. I can’t tell you how many times students ask why they got kicked out of classes or why they didn’t graduate. It usually comes down to whether they actually paid their fees. Sometimes they don’t even declare a program! They don’t look at their school account regularly where they would see all this info. One graduate student actually told me they didn’t know why the school was threatening to kick them out of classes. What happened is that they enrolled in a class after school started and didn’t pay for it. They thought they did by magic I guess, because even though they thought they paid it, they also said they didn’t make an actual payment. PLEASE DON’T BE THAT STUDENT. Know how to register for classes, be aware of enrollment deadlines, and tuition deadlines too. On that note, MEET WITH YOUR ADVISOR BEFORE YOU ENROLL EACH SEMESTER. They’re there to help you! My undergrad advisor switched my curriculum to the newer one my junior year so I didn’t have to take an extra class.

Don’t be afraid to try out new things. I was always afraid to go into theatre or participate in other clubs. I regret that so much to this day. For me, it wasn’t even about making friends. It was about gaining new experiences and exploring what I liked. So if your school does a club fair- virtual or otherwise- go for it and try something out. You don’t have to commit, but it’s worth a try!

Know your resources! That professor I’m friends with? He talks to students about addiction, suicide, sexual assault, and just life in general. Before working with him as a part of  two student organizations, I didn’t know how to help myself or others in situations like I mentioned earlier. School wasn’t very good about putting out those resources, because colleges in general don't want to admit these are issues students deal with. My school has counseling, $5 therapy by the grad students getting licensed, and a school psychiatrist. I’d recommend knowing how to get in touch with all your school’s mental health resources. Remember, you don’t have to be in crisis to go to therapy.

BIGGEST LESSON:

You’ll be studying and doing homework a lot, so really try enjoy everything else. I’m a huge introvert so I basically have about 1 really good friend from school and he was my professor (the one I TA’d for). I love him to death, but I wish I wasn’t so worried about what others thought (and still think) about me. I don’t drink or use drugs so it was really hard finding people that didn’t pressure or question my decisions about it. Find your people. If they’re not right for you, don’t be afraid to let them go. That’s probably the biggest piece of advice I would give myself 5 years ago. The good times aren’t worth it if your friends cause you to feel bad during the rest of the time. I can honestly say the “friend” group I had for most of undergrad was the root of my sudden depressive episodes, disordered eating behaviors, constant anger that I internalized, and engaging in behaviors that I didn’t know were considered to be on the suicidal ideation scale. It was an endless cycle. They weren't bad people, but they were bad for me. I think it took years to finally come to terms with it, because prior to college, I never had problems with friends and I was never involved in drama so I had no clue how I was supposed to handle all the problems. The cherry on top was that I lived with these people so I couldn’t just leave. In retrospect, I think those friendships were borderline emotionally and mental abusive. The constant walking on eggshells because of the hot and cold environment was a lot. Know your worth and enjoy your college time!

Sorry for the novel, but there was just so much to write about. If there’s something specific, let me know and I’ll try and help. :)

@archetypal-archivist