#little i would often have to call my grandparents to give me basic fucking things like food and stuff bc my dad works shifts and wasnt home

[mongrel-mage]

Something that I wish I'd known about before starting testosterone was how differently I would feel socially. While I could talk about what happens now that I pass and whatnot, what I specifically mean is the emotional downsides of being perceived as male re: my relationship with other people. Growing up being socialized as female, I took for granted the amount of physical affection I was free to give and receive. I could greet my friends with a hug. We could lean against each other, link arms, hold hands, fix each other's hair or clothes or a hundred other little touches that nonetheless conveyed emotional closeness. There was so much platonic affection that I never thought about. It was the same with family members. I could hug them, cuddle against them, express the need for affection.

I almost never get hugged anymore, not unless I ask for it, and more often than not it is assumed that I'm only doing so because there is something wrong. I've had my grandparents ask me if it was still okay for them to hug me, to kiss me on the cheek. I don't feel like I can hug my friends as a greeting or a farewell for the fear of being seen as Less Of A Man. What used to be an oasis of human contact is now a void. Not only that, but think about how often women/femme people are able to compliment each other. "You're so pretty," "you look great," "love that color on you," and so many other things. When I presented as female, I was the recipient of compliments from friends, family, sometimes people I didn't even know. That hasn't happened a single time since I transitioned.

The only sort of emotional and physical affection a man is socially allowed to receive is from an intimate partner. Nobody else, or you're somehow Less Of A Man, you're perceived as gay, you're called any variety of shitty things.

Masculinity includes emotional starvation. There is a great post that I'll link that talks about this more eloquently than I can, and I want to give credit where it's due (will include a transcript below the cut).

Does this mean that I regret my decision to transition? Absolutely not. Does it mean that I wish I was still perceived as a woman? Hell no. But the potency of this loneliness took me by surprise, and I think that it's something that we need to talk about more.

[Tumblr user skaldish]: Still bothered by the US cultural idea that men can only be non-romantically intimate with one another in war-like or competitive circumstances.

[Tumblr user skaldish]: I'm pretty quiet about the fact that I'm a transman usually, but holy shit I need to tell you about the culture shock I'm going through because it's blindsiding me.

There's a huge sense of social isolation that comes with being perceived as male, because now people are subconsciously treating me as a potential predator. All strangers, no matter their gender, keep their guard up around me.

It made me realize that there is no inherent camaraderie in male socialization as there is in female socialization--unless, of course, it's in very specific environments. And the fact that I don't amnbiently experience this mutual kinship in basic exchanges anymore is an insanely lonely feeling.

You know how badly this would have fucked up my mind if I had grown up with this?

[Tumblr user skaldish]: It's 4:30 am and I'm mourning the loss of a privilege I didn't even know I had.

[Tumblr user skaldish]: Anyway, I'm going to figure out how to navigate this. Don't know how yet, but I'm gonna.

[Tumblr user azaloset, in a comment]: If you figure it out, can you share your insights? This is a fundamental as to why I'm in the closet.

[Tumblr user skaldish]: Absolutely, because it's an extremely sticky issue.

Frankly, this is something I would've never understood without living the experience.

It's now blatantly clear to me that most cis men probably experience chronic emotional malnutrition. They're deprived of social connection just enough for it to seriously fuck with their psyches, but not enough for them to realize it's happening and what's causing it.

It's like they're starving, but don't know this because they've always been served 3 square meals...except those meals have never been big enough.

This deprivation comes from all sides of the aisle, by the way.

In the case of women: When I'm out in public and interact with women, all of them come across as incredibly aloof, cold, and mirthless. I have never experienced this before even though I know exactly what this composure is--the armor that keeps away creepy-ass men.

As someone who used to wear it myself, I know this armor is 100% impersonal. Nobody likes wearing it, and I can say with absolute certainty that women would dump the armor in favor of unconditional companionship with men if doing this didn't run the risk of actual assault. (Trust me when I say women aren't just being needlessly guarded).

But I only have a complete understanding of this context because I've experienced female socialization. If I hadn't, I would've thought this coldness was a conspiracy against me devised by roughly half of the human population. Even now, with all that I know about navigating the world as a woman, I'm failing to convince my monkey-brain that this armor isn't social rejection.

And as for male socialization? Again, it seems taboo for a ma to be platonically intimate with men for reasons I have yet to fully understand, but I think it boils down to a) the fact society teaches boys that it's not okay to be soft with one another, and b) garden-variety homophobia. Our media only shows men being intimate with one another when they're teamed up against a dire situation, and I'd bet real money it's a huge reason why men gravitate toward activities that simulate being teamed up against an opposing force.

But men are not machines of war. Yes, testosterone absolutely gives you Dumb Bastard Brain, but that just makes you want to skateboard a wagon down a hill or duct-tape your friend to the wall, not kill someone.

The human species looks so much colder standing from this side.

I can see how men might convince themselves that their feelings of emotional desperation is personal weakness as opposed to a symptom they're all experiencing from White Imperialism. Because this human connection, this frith, is as essential for our wellbeing as water is.

So sick. How sick. I want to destroy this garbage.

[masterfrownn-archive]

A

[denkamis]

hc’s about falling in love with your childhood best friend.

masterlist.

warnings: swearing ig?? it’s fluffy, mainly. i tried to make it fairly gender neutral in terms of the reader. 

notes: hi uh these were supposed to be for the dekusquad but they ended up being SO much longer than i originally intended so i cut down on the characters ;-; i struggled with bakugou’s but his ended up being the longest??? idk man, hope you guys like it <3 these are seriously just drabbles in disguise

izuku midoriya

you met at an author meetup at the local bookstore. the book was a biography about all might, ofc you were bound to meet

you were in front of him in line and he shyly complimented you on the all might t-shirt you had worn

you two basically spent the entire time talking to each other about your favourite pro heroes as you waited in line

by the time you got to the front, you were so engrossed in your own conversations that both inko and your mom figured it would just be better to take you two home for a playdate instead 

since you were friends with midoriya, that meant bakugou was also in your little circle 

you stood up to him a couple times and always checked up on midoriya after kacchan’s tiny tantrums 

midoriya appreciated that, and you two were practically inseparable 

bakugou always accused you two of teaming up against him 

you would simply link arms with midoriya, tilt your chin up high and say that you were a full package deal. two peas in a pod. two halves of a whole, always 

midoriya’s face seemed to be permanently red that entire day 

you two were pretty dedicated in school, with you wanting to persue your top picks for high school. that meant that there were lots of study dates between you two 

during those study dates, midoriya couldn’t help if his gaze lingered on you just a bit more than his notes about quirk laws 

he realized he was in love with you when you had stayed after school to look for the notebook kacchan had burnt 

“you don’t have to do this, y/n. i can find it on my own… i don’t want to make to make you stay any longer.” 

“don’t say that, izuku. i don’t mind. besides, we always stick together and we will even after you get into ua!” 

“a- after i get in?” he spoke in a disbelief. everyone had doubted him, everyone had told him that he needed a quirk in order to get in but not you

you stayed. you supported him. you believed in him. 

he grabbed your hand on instinct, startling you. “i- i-” he began stuttering, eyes darting about as the feelings he hadn’t realized resurfaced

“thank you.” 

you gave him a gentle smile, chest feeling light as your hand encased in midoriya’s squeezed his own comfortingly 

“full package deal, remember?” 

he nodded, his smile jittery and shy. you giggled, blush dancing on your cheeks as you went on your next rant about how kamui woods could totally beat mount lady in a fight 

midoriya gripped the straps of his backpack, chest feeling light and his head feeling dizzy with all the new thoughts of you flooding his mind

oh yeah, he was definitely in love with you

shouto todoroki

you were his neighbour 

well, more accurately, your grandparents were his neighbours and you visited often 

your grandparents made you get the mail in the mornings and sometimes you would see him outside in the front yard with his mother. you would wave to him, and he would give a timid wave back after some encouragement from his mother 

you would play outside with your grandfather, flying your tiny kite and playing catch with him 

until you noticed there was a boy lingering near the fence separating the both of your houses 

he was watching the relationship you had with your grandfather curiously, almost as if there were a bit of envy in his eyes 

being the kind child that you were, you went over to him and passed the small ball between the rungs of the fence to him 

shouto was hesitant, but eventually took the ball from your inviting grip and tossed it back and forth between his hands testingly

this began a little game between you two 

he would toss the ball over the fence, and you would throw it back over to him

you didn’t quite understand why he couldn’t come on the other side of the fence to visit properly, but that was okay

you two would spend hours by the fence, sitting and talking you would give him tiny daisy chains made from the flowers in your grandma’s garden 

he wouldn’t tell you, but he kept each one you gave him on his windowsill 

he would compliment you a lot, too

not that he knew what that meant, he was simply stating facts to you 

“i like your hair. it’s very pretty.” 

“you’re very strong. you throw over the ball like it’s nothing.” 

“you want to become a hero? i think you would be the best one.” 

“your smile makes me want to smile, too.”

all of his words make your heart do somersaults

sometimes when you’re sitting with your backs to the fence, leaning up against each other, you feel the heat of his left hand ghosting your fingers. you don’t know why that made you feel shy, but it did

one day before you were supposed to go back home to your parents’ house, you went to go say goodbye to shouto 

he was sitting there normally, but his head was hung low so you couldn’t quite see his face 

as you approached him, you noticed that there was a bandage covering his left eye 

“sho?” 

he said nothing as you sat down 

“mom says i have to go now,” you tell him. he says nothing, again 

“um… are you okay?” 

an indiscernible noise comes from the small boy. you press your face right up against the one barrier separating you two. he looks up to see you worried. you didn’t like seeing him so upset

then an idea came to you

“before i go.. let me kiss it better.” 

shouto looked at you in bewilderment

“you’re not… afraid?” 

“no, why?” you asked in a confused manner, yet shouto remained hesitant 

“come here, please,” you asked of him, “before mom catches me kissing a boy.” 

pink dusting over his cheeks, he slowly crawled his way over to where you still kept your face against the fence. your gentle lips met the fabric of his bandage. the scent of something burnt catching in your nose as you did 

“you’ll come back?” shouto asked quietly. you nodded, promising him 

he nodded back in understanding, the tiniest of smiles appearing across his features 

“i’ll be waiting.”

katsuki bakugou

you had been in the same class since kindergarten, meaning that you knew him before he had his quirk 

even so, you thought he was pretty cool 

the reason for that? well, you weren’t exactly the most well liked kid in school. children were ruthless, and there was always a bottom of every social ladder between preschoolers

you got teased a lot. they pulled your hair, made fun of the way you cried, poked fun at the shoes and shirts you wore despite them being your favourite ones 

you were different. they didn’t like that 

the world seemed completely against you

during a colouring activity, the box of crayons you were holding was smacked out of your hands. your bottom lip quivered as the same boy taunted you to no end about how clumsy you were 

you simply bent over to pick them up before hearing another voice call out 

“oi, picking on small fries like that is lame.” 

looking to your left stood katsuki bakugou, looking bored and disinterested in helping you out. but your bully stopped in his tracks. being called lame?? by the great tiny katsuki bakugou?? 

no one had ever stood up for you like that 

even though he didn’t help you pick up your crayons, it felt like you had some type of ally in this class

slowly, you connected two and two together 

if you stayed around bakugou, no one could pick on you anymore! so you glued yourself to him practically every day 

at first, he found it annoying, but after seeing that you admired him up close, he liked the attention that feuled his ego, so he kept you around 

because you followed him around so much, you picked up a lot of things from him. he taught you how to defend yourself, and you taught him that some extras didn’t deserve as much attention as he was giving him. it was better to walk away sometimes

you ate lunch together, he came over to your house to play heroes and villains, he even showed you his secret all might poster collection. you were his person to talk to

he even had a katsuki bakugou™ nickname for you: small fry 

you two were quite the duo. bakugou went from simply tolerating you, to gradually beginning to care for you being around

and as you grew up with him, he caught himself beginning to admire the strong, gorgeous person you had become all on your own. it seemed he had developed a bit more than just a simple friendship bond with you

did he ever tell you that? fuck no 

you knew bakugou had always been rather… brash 

but you absolutely drew the line in the sand when he wouldn’t stop picking on midoriya for being quirkless. that one day where you walked into that classroom to meet bakugou and his group of friends only to see bakugou telling some green haired kid to jump off the building because he would never make it into ua without a quirk. he was different

bakugou turned to leave and he saw you standing in the doorway with a bit of an angry, hurt expression on his face

“small fry, thought you were never gonna show up.” 

“... lame.”

“hah? what did you say?” 

“i said it’s lame picking on small fries like that just because they’re different,” you spat at him. his eyes stayed fixated on you as you walked past him, helping the smaller boy off the floor and asking if he was okay 

normally, if it were anyone else, bakugou wouldn’t care. at all

but it was you

 you were different 

and all he did was act like he didn’t care. why? he didn’t know. but what he said to you that day came out rash and hurtful. you two had your fights before, but this had struck a chord with you. no one deserved to be treated like how you were back in preschool. that hurt

he didn’t realize how much you meant to him until you stopped inviting him over, you stopped eating lunch with him, you stopped texting and that bothered him 

the one person who he wanted to admire him didn’t anymore 

so it was a surprise to you that he waited for you to be finished your club after school to talk 

“small fry, listen. oi! i said listen up!” you kept walking, but he stopped you by grabbing your wrist 

“what? what is it? what can you possibly say to make things better? how could you treat people like that?” 

“come back.” 

“what?” 

“i said, fuck- come back, y’know, eat lunch with all the extras again.” 

“no.” 

the frustration showed true on bakugou’s features. his cheeks were turning red, you figured from the anger he was feeling towards you yet his voice dropped 

“i didn’t mean that shit back there. i was angry. fuck, i.. you want me to apologize or some shit, right. heard you small fries like that.” he shifted uncomfortably, his clammy hand still holding your wrist in a firm grip, as if you would walk away from him any moment now 

“sorry, or whatever.” he mumbled out in the smallest voice you had ever heard bakugou speak in 

your heart stopped as he looked at you with such sincerity. you held his gaze, eyes locked on his before you shook your head

“i don’t forgive you for saying what you said and doing what you did, but i do trust you. and i know that you’re better than that. you’re not lame. but if you seriously do that again, i’m not giving you any more chances.” 

relief came flooding back to bakugou at your words, but his face fired up almost instantly as you moved your hand so that your fingers intertwined with his 

“now c’mon, the new all might special is airing tonight, if we hurry we can still make it to my house.” 

“don’t speak so fucking loud! ... damn small fry.”

all works © denkamis 2021.

tags:

@meilbox

want to be on the taglist? see this post!

[incorrectsnkships]

Armin and Eren’s daughter got the winning combination of Armin’s curiosity and Eren’s stubbornness. Like they can’t take their eyes off her for one second or she’s gonna go climb those big can displays at the grocery store or bring snakes into the house or lick peanut butter off the sidewalk. Just a complete gremlin. Carla says it’s karma for Eren being a little shit growing up.

oh my absolutely. i can picture this so vividly, poor eremin

you've heard of terrible twos? well, other kids experience terrible twos. eremin's kid experiences atrocious, appalling, dreadful, absolutely fucking fearful, terrible twos. seriously, this kid screams bloody murder at anything and everything.

bath time? nah, kid's gonna cling to armin's leg and cry. oh, eren has to leave for work? nope, kid decides that she doesn't want dad to leave, so she screams to try and get him to stay. getting dropped off at nursery? armin has to stay and try and stop her from sounding like she's getting murdered.

a: come on, sweetheart, dad's gotta go-

k: no i want you to stay with me at school

a: i can't-

k: STAY WITH ME-

don't get me wrong, armin is an absolutely amazing dad, he knows his kid and how to handle her. so is eren, he knows how to keep her occupied, how to stimulate her brain and most of her motor skills have come from playing and building things with him.

armin is more of a paternal dad - he's more intimate, takes care of her basic needs, hygiene, is in charge of buying her clothes because god knows eren can't do it himself. he makes her lunch, because if it were down to eren, they'd be having mcdonalds every day.

eren on the other hand, acts like a parent, but also like a friend too - takes her out for ice cream, picks her up from school, puts her in the bath and makes it fun when armin's too tired to. eren likes to build the furniture for their house by himself, likes to do diy, and more often than not, his daughter is always helping him.

but armin is scared. not scared of her growing up, but scared of her getting hurt. eren is constantly reassuring him.

e: hey me and kid are gonna go build that cabinet you bought the other day, it shouldn't take too long

a: w- wait! be careful!

e: hey, it's fine. she's probably only gonna sit and watch and pass me the drill or a screwdriver whenever i need it

a: exactly :( what if something falls on her? y'know - i'll just come with you

but once the tantrum phase is over, a new phase is introduced - hyperactivity.

god help them those poor, poor men.

LET ME TELL YOU SHE IS ALL OVER THE PLACE ITS RIDICULOUS.

she wants to do this, wants to do that, wants to know how this works, how that works. she’s just so hyper that she doesn’t know what to do with herself. they always have to tire her out before bed, which is usually eren chasing her around the house while armin does the dishes.

when she finally, finally crashes, it leaves eremin with the rare occasion of having alone time, but they’re just too tired to do anything.

e: ‘so tired

a: yeah

e: yeah. wanna have sex?

a: sure let me just- hang on… okay i’m- eren?

e: *is snoring and asleep*

she’d be in kindergarten or whatever and the teacher would call armin in when he picks her up from school because she started swearing in class. armin was mortified. eren and kid laughed.

and carla- oh, carla is the only one she behaves for. probably because carla has experience from eren.

e: wtf how is it that she only behaves for you

c: eh, i’m used to it from you

also carla would be an amazing grandparent, she’d spoil kid so much and give her whatever she wanted.

kid can’t get enough of the world. lucky she has armin to boost her interests and show her the ways, and eren, who helps her discover easier ways of doing difficult tasks, who teaches her that she can be so many things.

[mistressemmedi]

Måneskin: "Different from whom?"

Greetings from Miley Cyrus - phenomenal numbers.

The streams of Zitti e Buoni are growing by the second, and ahead of Muse, on the top of the English charts, twelfth in the Spotify Global Chart. We almost tripled followers after Rotterdam (from 1.4 to 3.3 million, ed). Contagious and universal madness: T-shirts and merchandise sold out in 10 minutes. Like records, tickets for a tour that adds dates and expands on maps. They are even looking for us in festivals where the Rolling Stones have played. - Thomas

After the whole cocaine scandal that was started against us from France, which was later denied by my drug test, in Spain there people have been making murals with my face saying "No drugs". Some tweets made us laugh: «Congratulations, Italy! I have never been so sure that four people have fucked each other ". Miley Cyrus started following us. "You are great". “You are more” . - Damiano

From rags to riches - what a story

It was only 2016, and we were playing in restaurants, on the streets, in via del Corso (famous street in Rome). Damiano without a microphone, Thomas's guitar with broken strings, Ethan drummed on a cajón. At the occupations of the high schools in Rome (Kennedy, Virgilio, Mamiani) we had our first gigs and half an hour of fame, between those who criticized us and those who said "these guys are so cool". One of the rare times in which they offered to pay us to play - 50 euros each - we offered that money to those after us, in exchange for the chance to play during their time slow, as we knew there would have been a bigger crowd. We already understood then how it worked. That visibility was worth more than the money. We still think so ». - Victoria

The intimacy of rock - Choice of a genre

Music allows is this miracle which allows one to talk about very personal and private topics, even difficult and delicate ones. They are and remain deeply yours, but at the same time they become a confession that reaches a wider audience, and in this passage which is like a delivery, they also find their place in you, their elaboration. They are overcome, they are accepted. One moment it feels aggressive, one moment later a (soft) ballad. It's very cathartic. - Damiano

Against panic - The stage as therapy

I have suffered a lot from anxiety and panic attacks, it is a problem that I have worked on thanks to a course of psychotherapy, to my friends and family. Playing has helped me not to let myself be paralyzed by my fears, not to be limited in my private and professional life. I have learned to accept, to live with this side of me. I don't hide it. I no longer feel ashamed. - Victoria

This belief that only crazy people go to the psychologist is widespread ignorance. Nobody is born learned. And it is often difficult to understand why we are here, let alone the derivation and direction of our desires. It is a long and legitimate journey towards one's clarity. - Damiano

Essere fuori di testa – Ma diversi da loro (Be out of your mind - But different from them)

Already feeling a strong passion for something that is not a 'regular' profession but an artistic language, it puts you on a level where you're an anomaly, and while you're neither superior nor inferior to others, it places you in the condition of what breaks the mold but you're also being at a loss, leaving it to you to be bold and to take risks, hoping that they will pay off and land you somewhere. "What good is it if you don't stand out on your own?". You want to give it an aesthetic to your artistic dream, but to others it boils down to " You dress differently! You must be gay! ”, I'm 22 now and it makes me laugh, but at 17 it had an effect on me too. - Damiano

The beauty of being unique - Of believing in that and defending it

After all, we are all different not because we want to be alternative but because really no one is the same. Justice is being judged on what you do and not what you are. Justice is equality, respect, beauty. - Ethan

Fluid sexuality - Pride is freedom

We appreciate heels on men, we kiss each other, we have an open, extended mind, and we are proud of it. The horizons become vast, beyond the oppression of conservative families. With information on the web, knowledge is enriched and with it the possibility that minorities will be fewer and fewer, because majorities will be fewer and fewer. This will lower the volume to insults and bullying. If social networks can reach a village of 50 souls to reveal to someone, who is afraid of the darkness, that someone has felt that same fear.. There is no longer the need to give it a name, to define that "something" to fear, to brand it with labels that only limit you. Definitions have always had this effect on me. Gender should not even be considered in a person's judgment. Let alone orientation ". - Victoria

Sexism - A culture to be dismantled

Emma (Italian singer) dropped the bomb:" When I went to Eurovision, they insulted me over a pair of shorts. Damiano - half naked and in heels - was never criticized ". The judgment against women is constant, ferocious, and demeaning (if I have a lot of sex I'm cool but Vic a whore, where I show myself strong I'm a leader she is domineering and pain in the ass, who is successful because only because of her looks [and not the hard work she puts in]). As a male I am privileged, the harassment I suffer is not comparable to that experienced by a woman, the comments on my aesthetics are focused only on my aesthetics and do not insinuate anything about my professionalism and my competence, while women are victims of this kind of thinking in a systemic way. But I did find myself in a situation, out of nowhere, with someone who, pulling close to her for a selfie, started licking my face ... "What do you want, did you ask me?" Consent exists, and it is a must ». - Damiano

To grow as a person - The only rule to follow

For me, to conform is the total opposite of educating oneself, and the asphyxiation of one's expression (of freedom). Fortunately, I did not suffer heavy bullying, to the point where I felt I needed to change to adapt to how others saw me. But the matrix of who I am and the aggression that marks me is the same. If I'm a kid who dances and loves dolls, then allow me the freedom to do so. I used to be a kid who wanted long hair and played with Barbies. My friends, as a teenager, looked my long hair and teased me: "You have to find yourself a girl with a short hair to make up for it". My grandparents took the dolls away from me and said: “Stop it, they're not for you” ». - Ethan

“I was six and I already could not tolerate the distinctions between masculine and feminine. I've always had strong ideas about how I wanted to be. I refused things typically defined as feminine as a child, and they made fun of me for skating, for playing soccer, for not wearing skirts, for giving myself the chance to be as I wanted to be. I suffered a little, as I was bullied, but I had courage to stay true to myself, and today thanks to that courage I know that I could have been much more hurt, or I would have risked leaving the most important decision to others: the one about being just me". - Victoria

Love - music and girlfriends

I've been married to music for the past 20 years. I cannot wait to celebrate our golden wedding anniversary. - Ethan

Everyone goes through their own experiences, sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad, but it's never other people's business." - Thomas

When, for the first time, I developed feelings and attraction for a girl it was a bit disorienting because I had never had the courage to go beyond the limitations I had imposed on myself. For society, being heterosexual is the norm and therefore often one automatically pegs himself in that way, giving up the freedom to experience many different shades and facets of love. Once I got over the initial insecurity of having to question one's own certainties, I lived my sexuality in a very natural and free way, as it should be for everyone. - Victoria

I had paparazzi under my house morning and night. So, after four years of relationship, I finally revealed her name. I still have the paparazzi under my house morning and night, but at least I don't have to hide anything anymore. - Damiano

The value of the group - Protecting each other

But the real relationship, the real family, is between us. Our band. We believed in it from the first day, even before calling ourselves Måneskin (moonlight in Danish), even before Ethan drew a giant moon, on the poster for our first concert. We share everything, even the pain of the tragedy of Seid Visin, who committed suicide at 20 because he was a victim of racism. Being a group is what we should all do together: stay united and not retreat in the slightest in the face of abuses generated by a distorted vision of someone "being different|. - Thomas

Non ho l’età – like Gigliola (It references Gigliola Cinquetti who won both Sanremo and Eurovision with her song "Non ho l’età" which translates to Not old enough)

Before us, the only one to win Sanremo and Eurovision together was Gigliola Cinquetti (in 1964). Is there is something for which I feel I am not yet old enough for? No, honestly no. Maybe for kids. I'll be honest, I'm not enough to be a dad. - Damiano

Reached the sky - What fears still remain

We are more than in the dream, we have conquered the dream. To fly high this high, there is the risk is to fall and get hurt, but we will try not to end up like Icarus, who burns his wings with the sun. Everything is in our hands. And this - somewhat presumptuously - reassures us rather than frighten us ". - Damiano

(ORIGINAL INTERVIEW IN ITALIAN)

[Please note that I have changed some words or structure sentence, trying to make it so that the interview made more sense lol - I skipped the first two paragraphs, which was basically the interviewer gushing over how pretty the band is lmao (relatable).

Any mistakes in the translation are sorely mine, nothing was proofread, so apologies in advance]

[moldisgoodforyou]

on my mom's grave

wordcount: 3.7k

warnings: n/a

______

“How drunk do you think we’re going to get tonight?” Sophie asked, tipping back the last of a lemon White Claw as the two of them got ready for the night in her room.

“Dunno. I’m not really feeling it tonight.”

She paused, glancing back at him. “Do you not want to go?”

He shook his head and took the can from her, disappointed to realize there was nothing left. “No, no, it’s fine. I’m cool. Probably just won’t drink.”

“Is this about the phone call with your dad earlier?”

Rafe sighed, gritting his teeth. “It’s not - I’m fine, Soph.”

She crossed her arms and eyed him over, trying to get a read on his body language. “You’re sure.”

“I’m sure.” After Rafe tugged his shirt over his head, ready much faster than Sophie, he paced around the room for a few seconds before speaking up. "Hey, so...Sarah's getting presented at the annual deb ball in spring."

Sophie seemed unbothered, turning her back to him as she wrestled her way into a crop top to get ready for the night. "Those are still a thing? Cool, so you're going home for it?" She paused, glancing over at him in his polo. "Undo another button."

He did so, then rocked back on his heels with his hands in his pockets, trying to figure out what to say next.

She slowly turned back to him, realizing he was still tense across his shoulders. "What?"

Rafe rubbed the back of his neck, a tell-tale sign he was nervous and Sophie wasn't going to like what he was about to say. "Yeah...my dad wanted you to come home for it too."

"What? Ward? Why?"

"He, kinda, uh, wants you to be presented too?"

She just laughed, turning back to the mirror with her brow furrowed in slight concentration as she applied another coat of mascara. "Okay. Sure." But when he didn't elaborate, she turned back to him again, lips pursed. "Cameron. Tell me you told him no."

"...I didn't not not tell him no."

"Rafe."

He cracked under her stare. "I'm sorry, okay! Look, it's easy, all you have to do is throw on a pretty white dress and gloves -"

"A dress that costs thousands of dollars -"

"Hundreds, but - I'll cover you, obviously -"

"No." She turned back to the mirror, shaking her head. "Fuck no. I'm not going."

"Sophie." He nearly begged, stepping closer and running his hand through his hair. "Baby. C'mon."

"Don't call me that. No. I don’t fit into that part of your world.”

"Not even for me?" He pleaded, giving her a half-hearted grin. He ignored her last sentence, knowing any argument he had for her point would be dismissed in two seconds. "I wouldn't ask you if it wasn't important, you know that."

She turned back to him with crossed arms, fixing him with a glare. "Do I know that?"

"Soph."

"Don't, Rafe." She warned, holding one hand out, but he stepped closer anyways.

"Angel. Please. For me." He forced a smile, tried cracking a joke. "I really don't want to have to call him up and get read the riot act."

She furrowed her brow and Rafe reached out and smoothed out the lines in between her eyebrows before he could stop himself, making her soften just a little. "If I were to say yes. What would I have to do?"

"Just wear the dress, attend a dinner, party the night before and party that night." He paused, thinking. "And stay at my house for the weekend. Be civil to my dad.” At her eyeroll, he fixed her with a more serious gaze. “Meet my grandparents. Hang with my sisters. C'mon, Wheezie adores you."

"You're lying."

"I'm not. She thinks you're cool. Sarah too, but she’s less likely to admit it." He kissed her forehead, hands going to her waist. "Please?"

"It's that important?"

"I swear. On my mom's grave."

Sophie frowned immediately, reaching up to fix his hair. "That's not necessary."

"You'll do it?"

"...Yes." When he made a small fist pump, she fixed him with a glare. "Only because I love you."

“I'll go down on you every night for the next two weeks -”

She rolled her eyes at his promise, shoving lightly at his chest. "You basically already do that anyways, Rafe -”

"Okay, fine, I'll tie you up, something, anything, god, thank you, Soph. You don't know how big of a favor this is. I mean it." He sighed in relief, the tension draining from his body.

She ignored him, turning back to the mirror to apply lip gloss, carefully smearing the wand across her lips. “Why does he want me to do this? I don’t understand.”

“Is that the sticky stuff? I hate that stuff, it gets all over me when we’re kissing -” He started, then quickly shut his mouth as she flipped him off without looking. “Uh, ‘to integrate you into our society.’ Direct quote.”

“Oh god.” She groaned, setting the lip gloss aside after applying it, then started searching through her jewelry case. “So I’m gonna have to be on my best kook behavior?”

He snorted. “Sophie Flint, a kook. Not likely.”

“Watch it.” She pointed a warning finger in his face. “You don’t see anything weird with this? Your dad hates me.”

“He doesn’t hate you.”

“Rose does.”

“That’s not true either.”

Sophie raised her eyebrows, challenging him.

He shrugged, relenting with a sigh. “You’re not her favorite person, no, but neither am I.”

“You think this was more her idea? For Sarah to do it too?”

“Nah, actually, pretty sure it was my grandparents’ idea. Probably Granddad. My mom went through all this, so…”

She turned her back to him and gathered her hair, offering the clasp of her gold chain to him. “Your mom was a debutante?” She questioned with interest.

_______

Rafe rarely ever talked about his mom - Sophie had only found out how she died from a newspaper article in the online archives, and hadn’t wanted to bring it up since. All she knew was that Mrs. Cameron had passed away in a car accident when Rafe was fourteen.

Both Sophie and Rafe’s schools shared a building, despite them going to private academies, and overlapped for certain advanced placement classes. In freshman year, they were together for AP chemistry, with Sophie sitting proudly at the front of the class while Rafe sat in the back with a group of his friends, often cracking jokes at inappropriate times or throwing wads of paper at each other. Freshman year Sophie was the epitome of stuck-up - she resorted to insults instead of making friends and kept to herself, terrified someone might find out that she was on scholarship and wasn’t truly meant to be there.

The day after the car accident, Rafe was unusually quiet. Sophie hadn’t heard the news yet, it was barely second period and she wasn’t looped into the trail of gossip like the rest of the girls at Greenville. They were partnered for an experiment that day - Rafe had groaned when he heard Sophie’s name after his from the teacher, and Sophie barely suppressed a roll of her eyes. She took charge right away, getting all the supplies and set up their work station without even addressing him. After a few minutes, she slid the small glass of solution to Rafe, raising her eyebrows. “You can do the work too, you know.”

He was completely spaced out, only glancing up when she said something. “I wasn’t paying attention.”

Sophie rolled her eyes, lifting a beaker and extending it to him. “Yeah. I know. Just drop in 10 milliliters of the solution, it’s not hard.”

Rafe sighed as he rested his elbows on the edge of the table, rubbing his temples. “Look, can you just do it?”

She finally took note of the dark circles under his eyes, the way his shoulders were slumped, but misinterpreted it all. She smirked, taking on a taunting tone. “What, you’re still drunk from last night or something?”

He gritted his jaw, his entire body growing tense, and tugged at the collar of his polo. “Fuck off, Flint. Not in the mood today.”

She recoiled immediately, setting the beaker down with a little too much force. “Don’t be an asshole.”

“Don’t be a fucking bitch.” He spit back, standing abruptly. She winced as the stool squeaked across the floor, drawing everyone’s attention - as if they hadn’t had it already. Kelce stepped over and went to grab Rafe’s arm, possibly pull him away, but Rafe just wrenched his arm out of his grip. “I’m fine.” He growled, storming out of the classroom without looking back.

After a few moments of stunned silence, with Sophie on the verge of shocked tears, their teacher cleared her throat and redirected everyone’s attention, pointing one of the girls over to join Sophie instead. Molly made her way over, occupying Rafe’s seat in the space across from her. “Poor Rafe,” she murmured.

Sophie frowned, pulling her jacket tighter across her chest like a shield of armor. “Poor Rafe? What?”

Molly nodded, lowering her voice a little. “Yeah, you didn’t hear? I’m surprised he’s at school, honestly.”

“I didn’t...what happened?”

“Oh.” Molly frowned. “Um. You know that winding road, the one that goes downhill toward the ballet studio?”

Sophie didn’t, she didn’t even have a clue - the ballet studio was on the entire opposite side of the island from where she lived, the height of Figure 8, and she hadn’t ever had a reason to even venture that way. “Yeah? What does that have to do with Rafe?”

“Um, well, it was pouring last night, and his mom was driving down that road. I heard she lost control of the car and wrecked it. There was, like, a drunk driver that swerved into her lane, but she tried to avoid him and hit a tree.” Molly told her, careful on the details.

“I’m pretty sure the Camerons can replace a car.” Sophie replied, not wanting Molly to confirm where she thought she was going with the story. She dug her nails into the skin of her thigh anyways, feeling anxiety bubble up in her chest.

Molly shook her head, slowly. “Mrs. Cameron died, Sophie.”

Her heart dropped and she bit the inside of her cheek, hard. “Oh.”

“Yeah. I’m surprised you didn’t hear the sirens last night, I saw like eight police cars last night headed toward his house. I heard Sarah was in the car too, I think -”

“Is Sarah okay?” She couldn’t concentrate on anything but her ears ringing, her heart pounding in her chest.

“Oh, yeah, I think so. But god, how awful, right? The funeral is next weekend, Ward Cameron told my dad this morning. Is your family going?”

“Um...I don’t know.” Sophie glanced toward the door, hoping to god he would come back through the door and Molly would confess that it was all a joke, that she hadn’t just started something with Rafe on that day of all days.

________

Rafe nodded. “Yeah. ‘Course she was. I think she really enjoyed it, actually, she’d always tell Sarah when she was little about how pretty she would look in the dress, how important it was to learn the right etiquette and -” He cut himself off, realizing he was sharing too much, and deftly fastened the clasp before pressing a kiss to the top of her head, letting her step away. “All that.”

“Huh.”

He smiled to himself, thinking about how his mom would let little Sarah play dress up in her old ballgown with gloves that went up to her armpits, wobbling around in high heels twice the size of her feet. His mom would tell Rafe he’d have to watch out for Sarah with her escort, keep him in line, and that when he was in college he’d be presenting a girl as well. But he was nine and didn’t think of girls in that way quite yet, so he always scowled and left the room.

“It’s kind of cool, I think. The tradition of it all.”

“The ball? Have you been?” She caught his eye in the mirror as she adjusted her top, not wanting to push for too much information before he’d shut down altogether.

“No...I was gonna present Brooklyn at the one here in Columbus, sophomore year’s normally when the girl gets presented, but. Yeah. No, I meant, it’s kind of cool that you’ll be doing something my mom did.” He rubbed the back of his neck, meeting her gaze for a moment then looked away.

“Yeah?”

“She would have liked you. I know it.”

Sophie perked up a little, cocking her head. “You really mean it?”

“Yeah. She would have liked that you have an attitude with me.” He grinned when she turned back around and took his hand, tugging him over to sit on the bed next to her. “She was always saying I needed to find someone to match my energy, keep me in check. I wish she could have met you.”

“I did meet her. Once.”

He perked up, cocking his head. “You did?”

“Yeah, I served her when I was working at the restaurant at the country club once, I was only fourteen. I remember she made some comment about me being too young to work and I told her I liked it. Then she asked my name, and I remember she seemed like she knew already when I told her.” Sophie nodded. “She was really nice, left way too big of a tip and wrote my name on the bill. I always thought that was funny.”

Of course she knew, Rafe thought as he smiled to himself. She knew, because Rafe had come home and complained about a girl getting on his nerves every single week since seventh grade. She knew, when the complaints turned to “why won’t just be nice to me” and his mom had quipped that Sophie probably liked him - he had scoffed and walked away. She knew, because his mom had come home from the country club and told him Sophie Flint was a much nicer girl than Rafe painted her to be, and Rafe had immediately turned bright red and been embarrassed that his mom sought her out.

“I like that.” She leaned into him, taking his hand to play with his rings. “Will your grandparents be there? At the ball?”

“Oh, yeah. They sit on the board, I’m pretty sure, it’s this gigantic charity event. I’ll introduce you, but don’t worry, they’re chill. Nothing like my dad.” He adjusted himself so she was comfortable, then pressed a kiss to the top of her head.

She chewed on the inside of her lip, treading carefully. “I thought your dad grew up on the Cut.”

“He did. But my mom, no way. Kook through and through. That’s, uh, where a lot of my trust is from. After she died, um. She wanted to be sure me and Sarah were set.” He shrugged, ears turning red as he felt his throat getting tight.

Sophie frowned, feeling him closing off, and leaned closer to hug him, arms wrapped tight around his waist. “You know you can talk to me about this stuff whenever, Rafe? I’d like to hear more about your mom. She sounds like an amazing woman.”

“She was.” He nodded, settling his arms around her shoulders and rested his chin on the top of her head, closing his eyes for a moment. “Thanks, Soph. This is a really big deal to me, that you’ll go. I know it’s not your scene.”

“Love you.” She murmured. “You’d better buy me a pretty dress.”

He laughed, leaning back just enough to tip up her chin with one finger and kiss her. “You’ll be the best looking one there. I swear.”

“Oh, I already knew that.”

“Okay, okay, big head -”

She swatted his arm, laughing as she ducked out from under him. “Watch it, or I won’t go -”

“I was kidding!” He exclaimed, wrestling with her for a moment before grabbing both her hands and pinning them above her head.

Sophie sucked in a breath, caught off guard. “We are going to be late.”

“We’re already late.” He pointed out, taking a moment to realize the lack of innocence in the position, then slowly smirked. “We could be later. They’re not gonna miss us.”

“Rafe.”

“Sophie.”

“No.”

“You’re positive?”

She just gave him a look, staring him dead in the eyes and willing herself not to react when he leaned down with a grin and kissed the bridge of her nose.

“Please?”

“Fine. The ball or sex right now. You choose.” She raised her eyebrows, arching her back a little on purpose, pressing her hips up against his.

“That’s not fair.” He frowned, immediately shifting his hips away and moving so both his knees were on either side of her instead. “This is blackmail.”

“Your choice.” She reminded him, biting her lip for good measure.

He faltered, sitting back on her thighs and letting go of her wrists. “Soph, it’s - it’s for my mom. I swear. Not for my dad, Rose, anyone else.”

Sophie dropped the teasing act right away, propping herself up on her elbows. “Right, right, sorry. I won’t push it.”

“It’s alright.” He climbed off her, standing, and offered his hands. “Five bucks James makes some joke about us being late because we were having sex.”

“I’m not taking you up on that.” She rolled her eyes, accepting his hand and pulled him into a hug. “Love you long time, Cameron.”

He smiled, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. “Love you too, favorite girl.”

“What do the dresses look like?”

“Uh...white?” Rafe shrugged, tugging on her hand to get her to follow him downstairs. “I dunno. When we go home for Thanksgiving I’ll book you an appointment to get fitted, I think it’s at some bridal shop on the mainland.”

“Sounds expensive.” She muttered, shaking her head.

“It’s…yeah. It’s not cheap.” He admitted, then shrugged as she followed him out the door, starting their walk toward the bars. “I’ll take care of it though. All of it. By the way, have you booked your flight home for Thanksgiving yet?”

“Um...no. I was going to look this week, it’s probably too late now though.”

“Hm.”

“Hm? Why, are you going home?”

Rafe nodded, not looking her in the eye. “Taking the plane.”

“Oh. Of course.”

“The plane...that no one else will be on...and it’s kinda ridiculous for you to waste money and carbon emissions on a separate flight…” He tried convincing her, a small smile playing on his lips as she rolled her eyes.

“You need to learn how carbon emissions work if you’re going to use that as an argument with me.”

“So that’s a no to sex on the plane?”

Sophie stopped in her tracks, confused. “That wasn’t - Rafe, what?”

“You, me, alone on the plane. Sorry, was I not clear enough?”

“I didn’t even say yes -”

“Oh, so you’re going to leave me all by myself on our one-year anniversary -”

She raised her eyebrows, challenging him. “When’s our anniversary, Rafe?”

He raised his back, stopping on the sidewalk to face her. “On my terms or yours? Because if we’re going with mine, it’s Halloween -”

“No, I had to ask you to be my boyfriend, it’s November 18th -”

“That is such an arbitrary thing, Sophie -”

“Hey! Stop stealing my vocabulary.” She interjected, pushing at his chest. “It’s the 18th, because I had to ask you out.”

“Okay. Whatever story makes you happy.” He shrugged, laughing when she shoved at him again. “Come on the plane with me.”

“...Fine. Only because I don’t want to miss our class reunion party on Wednesday night, I’m pretty sure some people still don’t believe we’re together.”

Rafe laughed loud at that, looping his arm around her shoulders and started walking again. “Pretty sure Topper still thinks it’s all an elaborate lie.”

“Does he know that we nearly hooked up in his room last winter break?”

“No.” He grinned. “Are you forgetting that you had to sprint into his bathroom right when I was about to kiss you because of some tequila thing you had?”

She tilted her head slightly. “You’re remembering wrong. That was sophomore year, before we were dating, I barely drank last year...you almost kissed me?”

“What? No, I think...remember, we were arguing over something, then you whispered in my ear to go up to his room and left. I went up a couple minutes later.” He shook his head. “I wasn’t going to make a move, Brooklyn and I were together then.”

Sophie scowled at the mention of Brooklyn. “I must have been hammered, I don’t remember any of this.”

“You wanted me.” He smirked, trailing his fingers along her collarbone. “One might say desperate.”

“No, no. All I remember is waking up in Topper’s bed feeling like shit, I had some crewneck on from your academy.” She ignored the blush creeping up her neck.

“How do you think you got there and got the sweatshirt?” He frowned. “I took care of you, Sophie. You really don’t remember?”

“I think I blacked out.” She confessed, shaking her head. “You took care of me?”

“Of course I did. Plus, I thought I was about to get some, I would have done anything for you.” He grinned, laughing when she shoved his shoulder. “Really thought that was the night I’d finally win you over.”

“Yeah, well, you can blame Sarah for her heavy pour that night.” She shook her head, smiling fondly. “I really wish I remembered that.”

“I wish you remembered too. Maybe you would have given me a chance before then instead of setting me up with Julia.”

“I - no! She asked to be set up with you, no, I did not instigate that at all.” She defended herself straightaway, cheeks flushing pink. “She said if I wasn’t going to make a move, then she was going to.”

“Sure. Whatever you believe.” He teased, pressing a kiss to the top of her head as they arrived at the bar. “Hey, Soph.”

She rolled her eyes, going to get in the winding line outside until he tugged her wrist back, pulling her to his chest. “What?”

“Thank you. I mean it.”

Sophie softened, smiling as she rose up on her toes to kiss him. “Of course, baby. I’ve got your back.”

taglist: @drewstarkey @lemur46 @jjmaybanksbaby @edgeofgr8 @quxxnxfhxll @obxtess @hoodpankow @vtgirl802 @outerbankies @messagesinthesky @nicolecarsley @svechnikolan @ilovejjmaybank @obxtess @abbyj1822 @oopsiedoopsie23 @g4bster @jjmaybankzz @freddymaybank @dontjinx-it @illbesafeforyou @moniamaybank @tovvaa @jailcalledlife @sunshineitsfine44 @randomficsandshit @outerbankspreferences @outerbanksbro @karsinner @kkmaybank @whoeveniskendall @lemur46 @outerbankies

[hoplessdreamer9796]

BTS 8th Member - Profile

Name: Kim Y/N  Date of Birth: 16/09/1996 Ethnicity: Half Arabic and half Korean Nationality: Is British but after moving to Korea obtained dual citizenship (I don’t know if this is a thing but if it’s not let’s just pretend)

Appearance: > Navy Blue eyes > Dimples > 5″8 > Light golden tan skin > Curves and athletic > Looks Korean due to eye shape and Arabic due to eye colour. Mainly looks Korean but it is obvious she is half.  > Tattoos:  1) “Familia Super Omnia” (”Family Above All” written in Latin on left shoulder blade). 2) Initial and birthdays of her younger brothers on left wrist and older brothers on right wrist (Just her brothers... For now...). “No oppa I don’t love you that much I just often forget your existence.”  3) Matching tattoo with Hanbin of the Neverland stars on right shoulder blade.  4) Matching tattoo with Shinhye of a forget me not flower on their upper thighs.  5) ARMY written on both sides of her index finger because, “Now they can see my love from both angles,” cue Jin face palming.

Basic Information:  > Born in England moved to Korea when 11 years old.  > IQ of 162 and has an eidetic memory but terrible at remembering birthdays. > Can memorise choreography after seeing it once.  > Is a main singer of BTS, like Jungkook, and is Hoseok’s second dancer in command.  > Graduated high school after the first grade at age 16 (international age). > Was on the track and swimming team during high school and middle school. Could not attend practices as she had to work so much but the coaches still allowed her to be on the team as she was advantageous in competitions. She has always been first in every swim and track meet she competed in. > Was not able to go to university at first as her family couldn’t afford it. But when BTS and her company was stable and doing well she was able to get a physics degree from Seoul National University (mainly online classes due to schedule, they normally don’t allow this but they decided they wanted her to attend the school due to her IQ and status. She attended classes when she could and did exams at the school) Got her degree in one year.  > Speaks 7 languages: English, Korean, Arabic, Chinese (both Mandarin and Cantonese) Thai, Japanese. (Learnt Chinese, Thai and Japanese in order to connect with fans better.) > Can play the piano, guitar, can beatbox, can play drums and also the violin but doesn’t like playing the violin (will be explained later). > CEO of Jeonsa Corporation which is comprised of Almira’s (a restaurant franchise where her mother created all the recipes) and Jeonsa cosmetics.  > Became world’s youngest self-made billionaire at the age of 21 in 2017 (In this AU Kylie Jenner became billionaire at 22 and was the world’s fastest self-made billionaire).  > Terrible with feelings in general. > Is okay at showing affection with people but as soon as the conversation starts to get deep and emotional, she spazzes out.  > Drinks way too much alcohol and loves clubbing. > Only likes casual flings as she’s too busy and doesn’t want to commit. (For now...) > Even though she has more than enough money she won’t leave BTS as she loves what she does.  > At first didn’t want to join BTS (will be explained later). > Very charming and charismatic, flirts with anything that breathes.  > Hates her birthday. > Buys way too many cars and drives too fast.  > Owns a lot of real estate. > Terrified of bugs mainly spiders (will be explained later).  > Swears way too much and it triggers Jin.  Family:  Grandmother (biological fathers side) - Kim Soojin (17/07/1953) - Unemployed Grandfather (biological fathers side) - Kim Woosuk (23/08/1952) - Unemployed  They both allowed Y/N, Adriel and Adonis to live with them on days when their mother would work nights. Y/N mainly looker after them as they weren’t able to find much work in their old age. Some of the most precious people in Y/N’s life. Grandfather (Stepfathers side) - Kim Wonshik (30/06/1955) - CEO of Hanam Hospital (I made it up)  He thinks of his son’s stepchildren as his own grandchildren. He loves them very much. Whenever his grandchildren are free, he likes playing golf with them. Y/N at first was nervous that he wouldn’t accept her and her siblings as they were not fully Korean and poor. But she was surprised how much he loved and accepted them so easily. Mother - Kim Almira (21/03/1974) - Head chef at one of the branches of Almira’s in Seoul. She has not been able to be a part of her Children’s lives as she would have liked because when she was not working at the restaurant she was working somewhere else or sleeping. She often feels guilty at how much of her childhood Y/N has missed out. It also makes her feel grateful for having such amazing children. She often blames herself for Y/n being so emotionally closed off but it’s as if her daughter knows when she’s feeling like this and will take her mother shopping in Milan and Paris. A life that she didn’t even think was possible. Or even just spend the day helping her cook. And she thanks the stars for giving her 7 amazing children. Stepfather - Kim Haeil (24/07/1973) - Cardiothoracic Surgeon who met Almira at the restaurant. He quickly became mesmerised with the foreign beauty with the light hazel eyes. He often found himself stopping by Almira’s more and more often. Having little dates in the gardens halfway between the hospital and the restaurant. They fell in love quickly; He grew to love her kids that he saw when he went to the restaurant to visit Almira. He became protective over them especially Y/N who’s eyes looked far too old to belong to a teenager, seeing how much their family struggled he wanted to marry Almira a few months after they started dating and help them, he cared for them greatly. Y/N told her Mother that she didn’t want him to pay off their debt out of pity. They were working so hard what was the point if someone did it for them. She didn’t need someone to take care of them. In reality she was worried he would be like Insu. Y/N had no problem with Haeil, you hadn’t seen your mother so happy for years and you didn’t object to their relationship, however you didn’t need someone’s charity, which back then due to your pride was what you thought of it as. You also reminded your Mother that she had only known this man for a few months and asked her to get to know him better before considering marriage. Your mother although saddened by your inability to take the easy way accepted your decision. They waited until you had paid off all of your family’s debt before he had taken her back to their special garden and proposed to her there. It’s easier to call Haeil Dad than Insu. You love him very much at first it was weird having a father figure that actually cared and you never really got used to having a protective father who loved you so much. Biological Father - Kim Insu (13/03/1971) - Unemployed. Abusive to Y/N and Almira. When he would try to hurt her little brother’s Y/N would never let him. He never hurt her older brother as he claimed that his son never did anything wrong. Elijah probably hated him the most because of this, if he tried to protect his sister his father would just hurt her more. He felt powerless as he was not able to protect his younger siblings. As Almira was at work most of the time Y/N got the worst of his treatment. The only thing he cares about is money, women, alcohol and gambling. In England around Y/N had just turned 11 he got a divorce and left them, much to everyone’s relief. However, after you had started making a lot of money after debut and when the restaurant started doing well, he showed up in your life again. Your grandmother was so happy. He threatened to tell his parents the truth about what he did unless you paid him. The thought of your grandparents knowing what kind of a monster their son was sickened you so you struck a deal, he stays away from the rest of you family and spends two hours a week with your grandparents in order to get paid ₩250,000,000 every week. He accepted and now your grandparents are happy to be in their son’s life with you protecting them from the real him the best you can.   Stepbrother - Kim Jaejoon (23/07/1991) - General Surgeon. He met Y/N at the hospital when he went to visit his father and Y/N was dropping off food for her future stepfather that her mother had sent. He had recognised her from how his father’s at the time girlfriend had described her. Her blue eyes standing out in the sea of ordinary brown. He introduced himself to her and told her he was her mother’s boyfriend’s son (cringing inwardly at how awkwardly he said that). Y/N had just smirked in amusement at his awkward state trying to hold back her laugh and introduced herself. The more he talked to you the more he realised how smart you were. You could easily keep up with him when he talked about his job. He also met his future brothers that day when the two family’s got dinner together. It was surprisingly easy for the two families to integrate. He quickly grew protective of his future younger siblings. He wished that Y/N hadn’t been so stubborn and had let their parents gotten married in order to make things easier but understood that it was something she had to do and his sister is the most stubborn person he knows. He is very protective over his sister and often lectures her on her drinking and clubbing antics. He nags at her so much it’s ridiculous, fuck when he saw her first tattoo, he threw a fit it was hilarious. He can’t see her as anything other than that wide eyed teenager with sad blue eyes, she’s gotten to good at hiding that look. >Sister in Law - Jeon Haeun (12/08/1992) - Vascular Surgeon  >Niece - Kim Seoyeon (29/01/2018) - N/A  >Nephew - Kim Youngsoo (31/05/2019) - N/A  Full blooded Brother - Kim Elijah (17/03/1993) - Cardiothoracic Surgeon. He is very grateful to Y/N as she is the one that practically had to force him to go to university for medicine. He didn’t want to leave his family and he also knew that their family wasn’t financially able to send him there. Y/N told him that they’ll manage but he still refused. But when you told him that when he becomes a doctor and starts earning money he can provide for their family; he was determined to do this. He said that he would get part time jobs and send money, but you told your mother and him that you’d take care of everything and for him to focus on school. You had to cut back on a lot of thing but were able to get him into a student dormitory, a small and cheap one but that's all you could do, a food budget and a bus pass. He was very grateful and guilty. He was determined to succeed and help their family. But it turns out that you managed to do that before him. Years later he found out that after you graduated high school at 15 you had been offered a full scholarship to Seoul National University for medicine but you had declined as you had to help your mother provide for your family and pay off your debts. He was especially angry since he also went to Seoul National University (like all of your brothers who went to university) and felt like he robbed you of the opportunity. He got into a huge argument with you when he found out. After the fight you two drank and reminisced about the few good childhood memories you had. He babies you a lot and is very overprotective of you. Stepbrother - Kim Taejoon (27/04/1993) - Trauma and Orthopaedic Surgeon. He’s the kind of brother to randomly stop by your office and force you to lunch with him. He’s the cliché overprotective brother, glares at any boy that looks in her direction and hates basically everything she wear unless they’re baggy. A part of him hates Y/N’s noncommittal attitude to relationships because well that’s his sister and well eww but the other part of him is glad. Glad that his sister will never allow herself to get emotionally hurt but it also saddens him that she won’t ever open herself up to love. He coddles her a lot always texting if she’s had dinner and checking on her when on tour. As much as you complain when he coddles you love it. Full blooded Brother - Kim Adriel (18/02/1997) - Footballer plays for Liverpool, (I have no clue I legit searched premier league football clubs and picked the first one) is the youngest Korean ever football player to make it into the premier league (Don’t know). Lives in England most of the time. You are the most precious person in the world to him. He is a lot more intuitive that his twin brother and was able to find out sooner than Adonis about their financial situation. After finding out he started waking up earlier to make his grandparent’s breakfast to let you sleep a bit more. At first you protested but the thought of even an extra hour of sleep sounded heavenly. He felt so guilty about how he acted before he knew and so when he found out he sobbed in your arms apologising. And your heart broke you always wanted to shield him from that. When he moved back to England, he was very anxious at the thought of living far from you. He texts you every single day, needing at least some form of communication to stop him from worrying about you.  Full blooded Brother - Kim Adonis (18/02/1997) - Youtuber and is living in England. He moved back there when he was 16 in 2013. His channel had 500,000 subscribers but was not making any money. He played games online with different youtubers and became close with them. They explained how they make a living off of YouTube and he became excited at the thought of pursuing this career. While it was a risk especially with his family’s financial situation at the time, he knew he had to do it. While his entire family was against it, especially Adriel, you convinced your mother to let him go and used all the money you saved for a rainy day to buy him a phone and a plane ticket on the condition that he attends online high school. He lived with a family friend until he could start supporting himself. As of now has amassed seventeen million subscribers. He visits Korea whenever he can, if you’re there, to see you. He’s regretful about how much pressure he put on you in order to achieve his dreams but whenever you tell him how proud you are with that glint in your blue eyes he knows that you mean it. Adrien and Adonis are fraternal twins. When they were young, they were very close. However, when Adonis wanted to move to England to further his YouTube career, Adriel was vehemently against it. Not because he didn’t love his brother and of course he’d miss him but because of the fact that Adonis wanted to make their situation even harder than it already was. That he wanted to make his sister work harder than she already did on something he wasn’t even sure would work. Due to this difference of opinions Adrien and Adonis grew apart and when Adonis went to England, they didn’t contact each other unless you made them. However, after Adrien moved to England they began to reconnect and slowly but surely their relationship began to heal. Much to your relief. The twins are the most attached to you as you are both a mother figure and sister to them. There is an unspoken rivalry and tension between them and Jungkook as they all get jealous and territorial over you. Stepbrother - Kim Hanuel (25/06/1997) - Studying Law at Seoul National University. He graduated high school a year early, then attended university for a year before enlisting in the military as soon as he could. He wanted to get it over with so he could focus on his future without it looming over his head. He finished his university degree in two years with a bachelor’s in law. He graduated at age 22 (International age) which was the same age as most people who were graduating however he had the advantage of having completed his military service. He is the younger brother Y/N sees the most as he lives in Seoul. You have sacrificed a lot for your family and would do anything for them.

[daughterofhel]

.

My icon died last night.

The little black and white cat, Auk (or-ick). A silly name from a badly remembered name from my childhood.

He was pretty much deaf; car got him.

I haven’t seen him since I left Texas, as I moved for a year to VA before finally moving to be with my wife in Vento. One of my guy friends family took him in on their ranch.

It was fitting; I did get Auk from a ranch. He was used to it, loved it even. And this was without the competition of an unhealthy amount of breeding stays like the ones I grabbed him and Ivy up from. I could only take two, my friend the same.

Funny. I had originally gone there to see the birth of a colt only to leave with a cat. Return the next day and get one more, a friend for my tiny runt of a thing.

And who should but all demand it be him to leave with me but Auk? The friendliest of cats that I’ve ever had the pleasure to be around. He also thwarted my attempts at having two girl cats. He was insistent to leave with me and you don’t argue when you’re chosen you know?

I won’t detail the tears following or the rough road and chaos that went on, but many double shifts back to back to back endlessly, a medicated clumsy grandmother with rapidly failing health, and complex roommate situations, I just wasn’t able to provide the needed time and care for my cats.

I cried the entire 45 minute drive to my buddys property when he said he could take them in. I had to pull over twice. They also cried the entire time, being afraid of the car, which made it harder. My buddy, He was the same guy who rescued a big pup clearly abandoned some years back. I had helped train him to not jump on people and other stuff. His folks also owned a longhorn ranch, lots and lots of space.

Those cats deserved better and this was a familiar element, now neutered, vaccinated, and with no stray competition and the dog was so careful. But god. I never wanted to say goodbye to my cats. It didn’t matter though, what I wanted; they needed care and time I wasn’t able to keep providing.

So I dropped them off. As expected, Ivy kept close but never got too close to the family. She simply doesn’t trust; I’ve no idea why such a little thing bonded instantly with me and remained quite the fixed cuddle bug. But she had. I felt worse about it with her than Auk if I’m to be honest.

Auk loved attention. Loved fetch. Belly rubs. This cat was a classic dog and a huge whore for attention. XD He essentially made himself at home and lavished any and all attention, to which my buddies mother instantly fell for this fuzzy dorks charms. He has been well cared for.

I know younger me could’ve and should’ve done better when I got these cats. Mind you, I’ve been gone for over 10 years now, so it has been quite some time. I’m doing what I wish I could have done for my cats then with the two rescues we got last year here.

I was young and working so many hours for nearly no profit after stuff was paid, even living at home and with roommates. I couldn’t afford the extra vet fees I needed or the fanciest of foods or any of that. I loved them, and I felt them being with me instead of the half starving state they were in from constantly competing with so many other cats, was still a better option for them. I still was at least able to do some of the important visits for them.

I cleared their fleas and earmites. I never did get rid of Ivys worms, though I desperately tried. I tried so many ways to get this pill into that cat. Even crushed into wet food. Friends helping to wrap and hold her to make her swallow. All the tricks we found, failed. She just. She wouldn’t take it. And I didn’t have the cash to go every single day and time she needed a dose to a pet clinic. I had checked more than once. It was so much money.

Older, better situated now.. I’ve been able to do right by the cats, Nyx and Tivali, that I have now.

We even saved Nyx’s eye. We have a system to give her her seizure medicine every 12 hours. They’re both fully up to date with their shots and are fixed. Ears totally clean. Monthly newly added anti flea tick collars.

The best food we can reasonably find at the local pet shop; their pelts are beautiful, soft, shiny, and they never smell.

We’ve even found a biodegradable corn based litter we can flush which has been the greatest find.

We get semi regular check ups on our girls and they’re doing just fine now. I’m still proud about saving Nyx’s eye. It was a tedious ordeal. 3-4 times a day we had to clean and medicate a cats eye. We got good at it even if she wasn’t fond of it. Thankfully the vitamins they required were like treats. Even the antibiotics from the colds they had from the shelter.

I miss Auk. And Ivy. And I wish I could’ve not only given them the life I’ve given my current cats now, (I’ve constructed basket beds, hammocks, a whole canopy jungle gym and rope bridge to boot for them with my wife!), but I wish I could have been the one to have them in my life still. I know it was not possible. It wouldn’t have been possible.

But I think of them. A lot. And I knew it was inevitable. Auk would’ve been well over 13 or so years by now. A little old but could’ve lived longer yet for sure. My buddy didn’t mention he has gone deaf. Of course he rarely goes home himself; I don’t blame him. Life’s complicated.

I have mourned these two cats multiple times now. So I’m not thrown into tears upon this news, I’ve cried plenty over the years already. But I’m still sad to hear that fuzzy delight has passed on. I won’t ask, but I hope, and believe, the accident was a quick end for such a friendly guy.

I’ll mourn him eventually in full. I know I will. But considering this is the fourth major bad news I’ve gotten in less than a month and most of it a week, I thought to write about it. If only to keep sane.

May I not receive the same news of my grandmother or my sister who both remain in the hospital.

And god. May my mother stop forcing me to recall and talk about our shared trauma under my father and just keep me up to date on my families health. I don’t want to be crushed under this suffocating vice on my neck that makes me hesitate to call and see my family. I know she needs to vent. And god. I try to let her. I do. I try to be kind; she needs it.

But it isn’t the time and place when I’m trying to figure out if my grandmother is dying or getting better. I shouldn’t have to receive that confirmation, be granted a brief video called hello and check in, with the price of an hour long dredge through a past I personally have gone to two different types of therapy through to try and cope with. Which, only to some degree, have helped.

One of the last longer calls we had she all but said she hoped her theories on my father possible molesting me were true, so, you know, that would be one more trauma we had in common. She went on and on, even trying to provide loose evidence to her theory. Troubling sentences I would say in my rare visits. Etc. She just. Wouldn’t. Stop. And that was after an hour of recalling how terrible her life was with my father and the abuse, the screaming, the terror, the hiding, the injuries, all of it. As if I wasn’t left to live my life with this very man she said her three years with ruined her more than all her past shit combined.

She assured me she was a good mother who tried. And honestly. No. But I do believe she tried. But she was already weak emotionally and mentally and my father wrecked what was left. She left me sometimes for a couple days lock in that house when I was in diapers. You don’t forget that shit. I’m still scared of the dark. I can’t reason with myself on it. But being mad about all of it doesn’t change anything and would hurt a woman already broken. Why would I do that.

Still. It bothers me. So fucking much. But she’s such a fragile person in a fragile emotional state with everything else on top. She’s been heavily depressed for many many years and it’s a bunch of other stuff that spirals and honestly, at this point, she’s toxic even to herself. I’ve tried working on it with her but it matters not if she’s not willing to work on it too. I don’t know my mother besides her many traumas. We’ve been separated and estranged for most of my life. Unless I was physically able to actually be there and provide a use.

But that’s par for the course; no one will have you around if you’re unable to provide something for it. My wife’s the first person who genuinely seems to enjoy having me around just because and wants nothing more. I do stuff of course; but with her I am not afraid a slip up could mean everything it taken away and lost. I can forget the dishes once or had a bad mental health day and stay in bed without it having catastrophic consequences. She’s such a wonderful kind woman; I cannot help stressing over how to repay her.

I try and I’ve expressed my distraught on the topic and though she always seems baffled and confused about my insistence that I should be doing far more, that lass doesn’t agree at all. It’s her parents home so I am not able to freely run the house as I would on our own, as I’m able and have in many places, so I’m often less useful with the restrictions. She’s also use to the flow and swing of things and has things half done before it’s being asked.

Our own place will make life smoother and calmer for both of us; most importantly her. I’ve watched this family, sweet, but absolutely tone deaf to how many and often their demands are tossed to her. All the other kids moved out with partners. Hell, the oldest s child basically lives here. Our own hurdle with raising a kid who we don’t have the final say on any single thing. His grandparents are enablers cuz they don’t want to hear any loud noises, no matter what. And that causes strain when the kid can and does get anything and everything as long as he kicks up a fit. And he sure as hell does. There are days it’s so bad my wife’s in tears. And that pisses me off. The kids a good person, but the fact no one will actually parent and draw definite lines and be firm with No’s can also make him horrible too.

I’ve to deal with the chess match that is my father. I often call him my own personal Devil. He kind of is. But one I’m familiar enough with at this point in my life. I know where and when to cut my losses, where to step around, when I need to swallow my pride or the easily seen through lies, and nod my head. If he was all terrible, I could have cut him from my life. But no one ever really is. And I do know I owe it to the man; he has helped tremendously in my life as much as he’s been a big problem of it. I know his biggest fear is to be alone and forgotten. I wouldn’t do that, not even to the devil.

I need some bland news. Not thrilling. Not depressing. Just some ‘hey that happened’ ‘oh cool.’ Kind of news. Just a small reprieve.

Im. Scared. Of what’s next.

I. Know that things are teetering dangerously into a very very tragic terrible story on my mothers end. I know her husbands already super suicidal. My half brothers severely autistic, non verbal, among a few other things and will require his whole life to have someone be there for him. He’s not stupid, and I hate when people treat him as so, but he is absolutely unable to care for himself. He doesn’t have the right motorskills even, though we’ve gone to many different places to try and help him find ways to do actions in his own way that still get the same result. I admire how he’s such a positive little man, generally not just happy, but delighted. I aspire to look at the world like he does. He reminds me to try. I do love that about him.

He is, however, a Big boy, 15 now, and growing. He’s also very strong now. My mother is getting to an age where his, as well call em happy slaps, are really hurting her. He is generally good about slapping your hands and not your back if you provide them. But when he is upset he is a shover; one bad fall could really cause a lot of chaos for my mother with her health. The husband spends most of his time locked in his room.

My half sister is epileptic. They have done tests for years and can’t figure out all her triggers or the whys. They just sometimes stop for a long time then suddenly happen. She’s 16, turning 17 soon. And I don’t even know if she’s going to be, since my mother won’t let me know. And there are large gaps from my sister being on tech due to concerns of what triggered her seizure this time so she’s often removed from electronic devices for a time.

When I had turned 21, my mother and her husband tried to have me sign a paper to become legal guardian of my half siblings, should something happen to them, so the kids didn’t get separated.

At that time, I was still taking care of my fathers mother along with working at a shit job, and had a house full of temporary roommates who I had offered rooms to as a sort of safe house for them. I have a knack for finding people from broken homes, what can I say? With the house my father and I built, we had space, so I used it. I was able to help the girls get out of toxic places, get on their feet, and move on. Not all of them always. But it did generally work out. One has a boyfriend who was growing worse to her on top of getting more and more into hard drugs while also she dealing with an abusive aunt who got worse once her mother died of cancer. So she was stuck with the terrible boyfriend. I had her stay with me as soon as I heard.

Another was complicated, but generally revolved around the alcoholic mother and the many, shady, men in and out of the house. The dangers of that alone were.. problematic without the friend also being suicidal and not taken seriously. I’ve stayed many times with her to just hang out, clean, cook, or even read a book cuz she just wanted to hear someone talking and such. You know? Until eventually I had her move in with me too.

Another’s mothers died of a cancer and dad an alcoholic; not abusive, he just became childlike and super forgetful. To a hurtful degree in his totally dependent state, whenever he was home. Plus their whole little trailer smelled of piss. And her boyfriend (they’re married with kids and happy now) was in jail. He had a bad past but had cleaned up his act quite well, but. Well that’s complicated. We all know that the police don’t squint at details of any issue if the accused has a problematic past.

I had two different girls with trouble at home who were being used by their family to constantly work, clean, and pay for everything.

I had an ex and her girlfriend with problematic homophobic parents who were terrible and semi violent so I had them stay with us so they could be together somewhere safer.

I did not. At all. Have the assured means to also be a parent of ten children with very different needs nor any medical benefits to help out with.

I also knew, that, with how my mothers husband was, if he had some guarantees for his children’s safety, he would likely end his life if he could. He’s been so close so many times. If signed this paper, he would have the last big most important concern that’s kept him from.. I just. I didn’t want him to do it. I selfishly didn’t want to be responsible for my siblings that would take away any bit of time I had for myself away. If anything happened, I would not abandon and forget my siblings. That’s absurd. But my mother implied heavily she wanted to be sure of that. And thus this paper.

I was struggling to find aid for college so I could go to school (never got to, by the way. Minus two classes in total. Aced them both, but it doesn’t matter. Credits in the wind). I was already dealing with my grandmother. The girls I chose to help. My shit job. My fathers temper and his horrible horrible ‘on again off again’ girlfriend. The chaos that alone committed.

I was busy providing a safe space in my home and making sure it stayed that way for the rare times trouble makers made the mistake of stepping up to my door to try and harass my girls.

I often worked 10 days in a row before a day off. Many of those days often had double shifts which were 16 hours. Sometimes I got an hour nap on the double shifts.

I just couldn’t do it.

And now. I remember something that came to mind back then that comes back to mind now. My moms husband adores my grandma. She’s been better to him than his own mother. She’s dying. He’s not taking it well and his mental health has always been pretty low and in the last couple years, already dangerously rock bottom. I’ll admit, same.

His daughter is now in the hospital. My brother is smart but there are some things we can’t really explain for him to get. He understands something is wrong but not sure what and it upsets him. He doesn’t like change and gets super fussy for it. Which can be taxing and hours and days and weeks of it. Grandmas been in the hospital for a couple more or more now. She coded a few days ago but they got her back.

If grandma dies. If something happens to my sister…

God. I don’t see that man sticking around.

And with my mom isolated. A lot of it her doing with her own family but also a good part of it being dumb petty bs of other folks that have no reason to behave like that (a whole drama I don’t have the energy to keep up with..). I just.

I see it as a domino effect of terrible terrible events I don’t want to write.

My mothers side im not very close to. I don’t blame my cousins, we were kids ajd our meetings were brief as they were. But the adults kept their distance with me. No one expected me to survive and decided it was easier to not get attached. To not get involved with me, and by extension, the devil himself, my father. So I never got the chance to know that family. Even when I tried.

So the only family I do have some ties to ajd know, is in a hospital bed, or on my dads side, and they’re dying to. And I get it… that at a certain age in life, many of the people around you start to. It’s just life. Ajd it sucks. And I miss having a best friend. I miss having friends who just seem to like to have me around. Want to have me around.

And I wonder if the friends I thought I made with my roommates were just because I provided something for them. Sure we laughed a lot, we cried over shared traumas, celebrated holidays together so as to not be alone.

But not a one speaks to me now. And hey. That’s also life. But it makes me feel pretty shitty; every where I look in the past, I can’t see any relationship, family, partner, friendship, that ever had me around unless I was providing services they wanted and needed. And I don’t mean the natural give and take.

I’m aware that I’m not the friend folks have around. I’m a fun distraction at best and have been told and reminded as such. I feel like shit cuz my wife’s wonderful and the best person in my life, and yet I still mourn having close friends to hang with. I miss gaming together the most. Or the bullshitting. Sharing food.

I’m not a nice person. I’m working on it. I am. I’ve also, for years, been working on my own personal problems so as to not bring them into even conversations. I don’t know what I am doing wrong but I just.. can’t seem to keep anyone around. And frankly.

I find myself crying about it a lot with no idea what to do.

And. I’m burnt out.

I don’t want to make friends anymore. And yet I still crave it. Which sucks. I can’t stop seeming to want that. And I keep trying. And trying.

I’m trying to accept and be happy with any bit of time I get from the few friends who talk to me. I try to take my chances where I can to hang out (online, as they’re all distance by now), cuz I know it’s a short window and I’ll be lucky to get a next time in the near future.

Online is harder to provide a use, and once the ‘honeymoon phase’ of the friendship winds down, some drop off the map entirely. A few abruptly. And I just. That’s fucked me ho a ton. I can’t even express how many hours I stay sitting. Thinking. Unable to understand what I am not doing or what I am.

It’s a pity party. I know. But it’s fine. I’m still the only one at it and though I’m quite forward even with nerves eating away at me, I still just don’t know how to keep anyone in my life.

It’s taken almost 6 years for me to relax enough to believe my wife will, in fact, stick around.

But at this point in time, I’ve realized, on a note I just keep getting really sad over, that the bits of friendship I’ll get to experience with people, will be brief, snippets, and frankly, only if I am providing something they’re not getting.

I’m essentially the magazine next to the toilet when you have a bad bad stomach bug and your phones dead.

Man’s that’s.. probably my own doing. I know I’m a lot of woe is me in here. And it’s a post talking to me, so I’m indulging in it. I absolutely can’t out loud or in life. I’m working on just.. trying to feel instead of ignoring it. Per my therapists suggestions. So I feel fucking overwhelmed, sad, and alone. Isolated. Heavily.

Ignorance is bliss for real. I wish I wasn’t so aware that I was the friend you go to when all options are down and you’re bored. When you are in a bind and need a safe spot (I don’t mind that one but it does suck that it’s the only time some folks pop back in or up). That if I’m not working then no one even has a small little want to just say hi. I wish I had people who just wanted to say hi because they just.. missed me? I gues?

I wish I knew how to be better as a person and a friend. I thought I was making strides on that. I really had. And yet.

Here I am. Just.

Bitching to the void. Becuase my wife doesn’t need me to add more to her life with her father (finally back from the hospital after surgery) and his health concerned along with everyone else’s and the own sets of ordeals here. I don’t need her to fret over me.

She’s needed distraction and I’ve left her alone for a couple weeks now to her drawing. Probably one of the best things I did do for her was clean up a space for a literal drawing room for her. She’s happier for it. People compliment her art and she rather enjoys the well deserved attention.

I personally would love to have her around more. But I’m having a lot of bad shit days. Weeks at this point. And I’m using my energy to be useful in setting the table or doing the dishes, the cats, playing with the nephew, etc.

All I want to do is sleep.

Frankly. I’m tired of waking up.

But for her. I will.

[nat-20s]

PROMPT! the first time the s1 archive gang hangs out outside of work (any variation of the group, doesn’t have to be All of them)

This is only the Archive Assistant sqaud, bc I’m sorry Jon, but no bosses allowed. Also it’s VERY silly and soft bc sometimes u just wanna write nice things u know

(also also fuck I lovecompletely missed that this said “first time” they hang out but uhh. I hope u like it anyway.)

Tim Stoker like to think that, sometimes, not to toot his own horn, but he can be something of a genius. When a cousin’s cousin had offered to let him use their cozy little cabin for a night or two in exchange for help with moving, he had been struck with what could only be humbly described as “inspiration of the most divine nature”. For, as nice as a Friday evening away from it all by himself sounds, it’s so much nicer for a Friday evening away from it all to serve as Archival Assistants Bonding Time™. Or well, more like Tim and Sasha, Who Are Already Best Friends Forever, Figure Out What Martin’s Deal Is, Because For A Guy So Chatty, He Sure Is Mysterious Time™, but that’s not nearly as catchy. Truly, his plan was brilliant, bringing two compatriots and an excessive amount of food and drink to a spot away from the prying eyes of the world and bosses, and feast in the openness and silliness that comes from having a great fucking time.

His plan, and his genius, were tragically derailed. While he knew on their drive up that the air was rapidly getting cooler, Tim couldn’t have even pretended to predict that an hour into their stay would bring a freak blizzard that means they’re snowed in for the next three days, which was 3 times longer than he had accounted on spending with his coworkers/friends. There was more than enough food to last them, and almost enough alcohol, but as Sasha so kindly put it:

“First you make us reenact the first scene of every bad teen slasher movie, now there’s a fucking white out. If we lose power, I’m telling you, there is absolutely going to be a murder.”

“Pfft, no way. The guy who owns this place is one of those weird ass prepper types, there’s a back up generator for the back up generator. And even if we did lose power, we’re all much more the “huddle for warmth under a shared blanket in front of the roaring fire” types than the “get panicked and stab someone in darkness” types, right? Back me up here, Marto.”

Martin, who at three shots in is both hilarious and mean, directs his response to Sasha. “in the event of a black-out I vote we kill Tim. I can take him down and you can finish the job.”

Sasha tips her cup at him, saying, “I like the way you think,” at the same time that Tim yells out, “Hey! Why am I the one dying?!”

Sasha tells him, “Duh. This whole thing was your idea, which makes you the Dr. Black* of this situation. Any good mansion murder mystery dictates the the host dies first. Then, in a moment of entirely unplanned synchronization, her and Martin start chanting, “Host dies first! Host dies first!”

“Okay, you know what? Fuck both of y’all, it’s not my fault that you’re both thoroughbred city slickers that can’t handle being in a cabin with plumbing and running water and electricity. Didn’t either of you go camping as kids?”

Sasha replies “No I’m far too pretty for that,” while Martin bursts out laughing. It takes about 20 seconds for him to settle down. Wiping away a tear, he elaborates, “Sorry, sorry, just. Can not imagine my mother on a camping trip.  I mean, sure, she probably hoped at one point or another that I’d be lost in the woods as a child, or maybe even now, but I think that’s a bit different.”

Tim leans over the kitchen counter, placing his chin in his hands as he says, “Oh shit, Martin lore. Spill the deets.”

Sasha, who’s loyalties tend to sway towards whatever’s most interesting in the moment, piles on with, “You called her your mother, not your mum. That’s means she’s pretty much a right bastard, or a member of the aristocracy, which is just another term for right bastard but you got to grow up as a rich kid. Am I right?”

It’s clear the the two of them have made a grave mistake. All joviality flees Martin’s expression, and he shrinks down both his physical presence and his voice to something that could easily be overlooked if someone wasn’t paying attention. “Oh, um, well, I definitely didn’t grow up as a rich kid. And, it terms of the ‘right bastard’ thing, she’s not- er. That’s to say, she’s- she’s sick and. She’s doing the best she can, given, given everything.”

Martin pointedly looks at his hands while Tim and Sasha panickedly look at each other. They go to either side of him, and when he doesn’t flinch away, they each place a comforting hand on his shoulder. Tim immediately feels the itch to fill the heavy quiet, and he happens to know he has quite the talent for blazing on ahead after these kinds of moments. It’s how he’s survived basically party for the past decade. “Ooookay, I’m gonna go ahead and say that all depressing familial reveals shall be held off until at least the second night of being trapped. While Sasha may have irritatingly few skeletons in her closet in that regard-”

“I have Tory grandparents?”

“We all have Tory grandparents Sash, that’s absolutely nothing. As I was saying, while Sash’s family is boring and semi functional, you and me are gonna do some fuckin’ commiserating on our journey from work friends to friend friends. However, I’m going to have to be 40% drunker, go through a decently strong hangover, and then once again get hair of the dog drunk before I can even start to consider heading down that path. And in that spirit, I think it’s time to start up the drinking games. Truth or dare might end up a bit too heavy for our needs, but Never Have I Ever should suit us just fine. I know I’m gonna regret saying this considering Sasha is 100% going to target my ass, but I think we should establish that whoever puts all ten fingers down first has to chug the rest of the box wine.”

Sasha pipes up with, “Ugh, no, not drinking games, that’s such twenty-something bullshit. I expected better from you.”

“Hey, Martin is a twenty-something, so that still works fine actually-”

“Tim!”

“What?”

Martin’s directing wide, bordering on frantic, eyes at him, and Tim is almost certainly missing something, though he can’t for the life of him figure it out. Sasha’s head is bobbing slightly between the two of them, and shes apparently able to parse what Tim has not. “Oh! Martin, uh, I already know that you’re 2, and it’s cool.”

“Did..did Tim tell you or?”

Tim scoffs out an “I wouldn’t!” even though there’s a distinct possibility that, entirely on accident, he would, and Sasha makes a reassuring coo. “No, no, babe, nothing like that. It’s just that, uh, the Magnus Institute is kind of notorious for not doing any background checks pretty much ever, so when I get a new coworker, I..do it myself.”

Martin’s face blanches, and his eyes somehow get even wider. “Oh god, please don’t tell Jon or Elias, I know I don’t have the credentials, but I really need-”

“Woah, woah, I’m not gonna do that. First of all, archival assistant squad, we ride together we die together in a snowed in god forsaken log cabin, secondly, it’d be hypocritical as fuck if I got up your ass about qualifications. Not a single one of us is qualified for our jobs, not even Jon. Maybe especially not Jon. It’s like, raise your hand if you have a degree in library sciences. No one? Okay, cool, that’s not weird at all for an archive. Actually, maybe bring that up next time he gives you shit. He’ll be all like ‘bluh bluh, you didn’t document this spooky bullshit well enough, it’s not up to the High Standards here at Spooky Bullshit Emporium’ and you can be like ‘whatever buddy, you’re an English major, what do you fuckin’ know?’. It’ll be devastating. He’ll be devastated.”

Martin laughs in the manner of someone who knows that they shouldn’t be, and his shoulders relax into  a lower position. “Why would you want me to devastate him? I thought you guys were friends?”

“We are, which is why we all collectively need to get back at Jon for acting like such a prick. He’s always been a bit temperamental, but I honestly don’t get what his deal is, especially with you. I mean, c’mon, you’re great, being mean to you is like kicking a puppy.”

“Thanks? I think?”

Tim pipes up with, “Oooo, since drinking games are apparently too childish for Sasha, what if instead we play ‘What’s Jon’s Deal Anyway, Featuring, Seriously, Why Target Martin, The Baby of The Archives’-”

“-That feels a bit reductive of who I am and I also I think I’m technically older than Jon?-”

“-Whoever comes up with the best explanation, and by best obviously I mean most entertaining, gets an all expense paid trip from the other two to one of the charity shops I know we all frequent.”

Sasha snorts, “Wow, a whole twenty quid, who could resist such temptation. But also, I’m in, I think I have a winner and I have a violent need to out-cardigan Jon.”

Martin’s relaxation is gone again, which Tim thinks need to be fixed through aggressively passing a glass of wine towards him. He takes it without protest, takes a long drink, and says, “This seems more like 3 am conversation than a 9 pm one.”

Sasha gives an encouraging nudge, prompting another drink, and replies, “Yeah, well, I am not gonna make it to 3 am. I’ve got about an hour until the Alcohol Sleepiness sets in, and I know Tim will be right behind me.”

“Sashaaaaaa, you’re ruining my reputation as a young-at-heart, party-all-night kind of guy.”

“Babe, you’ve complained about your bones aching often enough that you’ve never had that reputation.”

“Surrounded by mean drunks, that’s what I am. I should be pitied.”

Martin shoots a glance towards Sasha, then replies, “You’d be more pitiable if this entire thing wasn’t, you know, entirely your own fault.”

Sasha nods sagely, “It’s true. If you were pitiable then maybe you wouldn’t have to die first.”

“You know what? I am uncomfortable with the energy that’s been created in this room, how about we divert some of that towards complaining about our bosses, as coworkers who are hanging out and having a good time and not bullying me are supposed to do.”

Sasha giggles slightly as she leans down and presses a kiss to Tim’s cheek. “Aw, sorry, Tim. I promise to double cross Martin when if becomes killing time.”

Tim melts a little, even as he’s replying, “Wait, when?” Martin takes another sip and says, “Whatever. I could take you both.”

How the hell are you supposed to resist a set up like that? With an over the top wink and cheesy grin, Tim says, “I bet you could, big guy.”

He’s expecting a slightly flustered reaction, maybe a higher pitched voice and a blush, if he’s lucky. He gets all of those things, but it’s Sasha saying, “Oh my god.” Martin only gives him a raised eyebrow and level stare, and Tim makes a mental note to reevaluate his dedication to only considering Martin in a strictly platonic fashion. Sasha continues talking, cutting through the..tension? with, “Okay, now I am uncomfortable with the energy that’s been created in this room. Tim, tell the studio audience what you think is up with Jon.”

Tim blinks, hard, gives a shake of his head, and says, “Oh, obviously the Jon we know is dead. His ‘promotion’ to Head Archivist was actually Elias killing him off and replacing him with a robot that has the command If: see Martin Then: be dick. Don’t worry Marto, now that Sasha is aware of the issue, she’ll surely be able to reprogram him.”

Sasha hums a bit, then says, “I buy it. I think my explanation’s better, but Elias does seem the “kill a dude and replace him” type. Like if I was gonna suspect any particular person of murder he’s in the top five.”

“Seriously? Elias? Somehow has middle manager vibes even though he’s the head honcho Elias? Mr. ‘I probably wore boat shoes and khaki shorts for the entirety of university’ Bouchard? Voted most likely to put a thin layer of mayo in between two pieces of white bread and claim it’s a sandwich Elias? The area man that’s almost certainly gone on record as saying that golf and networking are his favorite hobbies Elias? He’s far too boring to have committed a murder.”

Tim’s looking at Martin with shock and delight, and he knows Sasha is wearing the exact same expression. “More of this. Please describe more of the things that Elias is.”

“I mean, sure? Uhh, guy that would pay $80 for a dime bag because you told him it’s a premium strain. Person that ironically says things like “kids these days” and “the youths” and you know he’s talking about people well into their 30s. Genuinely believes that if you can afford a cell phone then you shouldn’t be complaining about being  poor, because apparently a one time purchase of around a hundred bucks is the same as trying to pay monthly rent. Tells people to haul themselves up by their bootstraps. Thinks he got to where he was ‘without anybody’s handouts’ even though he’s had a trust fund since he was 15. Writes weekly editorials to the local newspaper complaining about the liberalization of media, and they’re like ‘sir, please stop submitting to us, we’re just trying to talk about Lisa’s gardening club’ because they can’t professionally tell him to fuck off. Thinks salt and pepper are the only spices one could ever possibly need, everything else is simply excessive. Somehow gay and homophobic. Like, yes, he’s taken a male lover, but he’s also seconds away from calling you a slur at any one time. Actually, no, that’s too interesting, and I refuse to believe he’s had a lover. Legally, he cannot have a lover, I’ve decided, so just gay and homophobic, both in theory alone. Has said that Boris Johnson is “a bit much, but really not so bad, and much better than any of the alternatives, really.” All of the cousins in his family banded together and officially got him banned from any sort of major holiday dinners. Basically every shitty boss you’ve ever had, especially if you’ve worked retail, rolled into one.”

Tim lets out a low whistle. “Damn, all right. Get fucked Elias.”

Sasha emphatically agrees, “Get fucked Elias.”

They all clink their glasses together, and then there’s a beat of silence before Martin says, “I’m pretty sure robots can’t get eye bags.”

Tim and Sasha let out a “huh” and “hmm?” respectively, so Martin elaborates. “You posited that Jon had been replaced with a robot. Pretty sure robots aren’t able to look that tired.”

Tim snaps. “Drat, you’ve pointed out the one flaw in my impeccable logic. So what d’you think is up with him? I know you don’t have the Before The Archives comparison, but I think you could provide a fresh perspective.”

“Oh, fuck, I don’t know. Two months ago, I might have had some choice words, but first off, you all genuinely got on, so it didn’t really make sense for him to be awful all the time, and secondly ever since the, um, worm thing, he’s actually been pretty nice? I haven’t heard any snide comments, and whenever I mess something up he’s a lot more, um, gentle about explaining what wrong. He actually complimented my work the other day so. I guess I think Jon’s deal was that he was stressed out and I was very nervous and not very good at my job and he picked up on that?”

“So you think he’s like a horse.”

“Explain.”

“He sensed your fear and he became skittish and irritable in kind.”

“Horses can sense fear?”

“Horses can sense everything.”

“That’s fucked up.”

“Right?”

“Guys, we’ve gone on like four different tangents in one conversation. Martin, I’m very glad to hear that Jon’s changed his behavior towards, because it means I don’t have to yell at him on your behalf, you’re getting to see the person that me and Tim both know who is actually pretty cool, and also mostly because it feeds perfectly into my winning theory.”

“What, you’ve got something better than Martin’s ‘accurate but boring’ reasoning or my ‘super cool but now that I think about it for .5 seconds actually kind of a bummer robot’ knowledge?”

Sasha’s incredibly self-assured when she says, “I sure fuckin’ do. Jon’s secretly been in love with Martin the whole time, and he’s been previously overcompensating by acting like he hates him.” which makes Tim choke on air and Martin emphatically reply, “Fuck off, he is not.”

“No, no, hear me out, I have, I have receipts, as the kids say. First point of evidence: Martin’s stupid hot, and there’s no way that Jon is straight, so obviously he’s not gonna be impervious to that.”

“What?”

“Oh come off it Martin, it’s just a fact. Like, me personally? I don’t even do the whole romance thing, but the first time I ever saw you I blacked out slightly and thought ‘Now there’s a man I could raise some ferrets with.’.”

“I, um, I, well. Is that...supposed to be a euphemism for something?”

“What? No, I’ve just always wanted ferrets, and asking someone to raise pets with you is like the height of romance, I’m pretty sure. Back me up here Tim.”

“On the ferret thing or the Martin hot thing?”

“Either? Both.”

“Aight. Yes, asking someone to raise ferrets with you is basically a marriage proposal if that someone is Sasha, and I hate to break it to you Martin, but you’re incredibly good-looking. We’re all incredibly good-looking, to the point where I think the only qualification for the archives staff is being a straight up hottie. OH! We should name the group chat “straight up hottie squad”. Anyway, yep, point for Sasha.”

“Not a point for Sasha, even if I believe you about about my, em, physical attractiveness,-”

“-Don’t have to put belief in a fact, Marto-”

“-that doesn’t mean anything. By that logic, he’s equally as likely to be in love with either of you, and my money would be on Sasha if it was anyone, because you’re clearly his favorite.”

“Ah, but that’s exactly why it isn’t me, but thank you for the transition into my second point which is: Jon is the kind of person that sees anything that might make him vulnerable and starts aggressively defending himself against it, and what’s more vulnerable than a crush? He’s not crushing on Tim, because Tim’s fucking great, but sometimes he’s also the walking, talking embodiment of sensory overload, and while I myself I love that, Jon clearly gets a bit overwhelmed by it at times. He’s not into me, because he knows better than that, and overall I’m pretty non-threatening to his whole thing, so of course he’s going to be the most relaxed around me. You, on the other hand, are single, hot, kind to animals and people alike, and make a great cup of tea. Incredibly crush worthy, thus incredibly threatening, thus Jon acting like That.”

“Hmm, this still seems like something that comes from watching one too many corny rom coms, and that’ s coming from someone who loves corny rom coms.”

“I also love corny rom coms, but that’s completely beside the point. Because, okay, sure, if Jon had just been a weird asshole to you, I wouldn’t be like ‘oh, yeah, that’s a classic case of covering for something’ but you’re right about him being nicer since the worm thing. So nice, in fact, I shall be bringing in Timothy as my star witness that’s going to blow this whole case wide open. Martin, you may not have heard how Jon has started to talk about you, but me and Tim sure have.”

“God, yeah. Like if we thought he wouldn’t shut up about you before-

“-which he wouldn’t-”

“it’s gotten way worse now.”

“I think the whole life threatening worm woman flipped a switch for him and now he’s all fuckin. ‘Oh, Martin should stay in the archives, let me give him the place that I sleep.”

“Oh, Martin, I don’t think he should go out on too many research trips anymore, I’d much prefer for him to be ~nice and close~”

“Oh, Martin, good lord, did you know that his tea is quite good? I’m think it might actually be the best I’ve ever had.”

“Oh, Martin, his work’s rather improved, don’t you think? It’s really quite impressive, especially considering all the stress he’s had to endure.”

“Oh, Martin, I just want him to take me into his big, strong arms and whisk me away from all of this.”

“He did not fucking say that last one.”

Sasha throws her arms up in the air. “He may as well have!”

Nodding sagely, Tim replies, “This whole thing holds water. I vote Sasha gets the shopping trip. Martin?”

Martin stares at his drink as if it has any ability to give him any sort of answers, then lets out a sigh with his entire body. “You know what? It’s probably nicer than whatever the fuck is the truth, so sure, why not? Let’s get Sasha her cardigans.”

Sasha lets out a whoop. “Hell yeah! Can’t wait for spree, assuming all three of us get out of this cabin alive.”

“Okay, nope, clearly Sasha needs another distraction. Got any suggestions, Martin?”

“Uh, wasn’t a karaoke machine part of the sales pitch for this place?”

“Martey babey, yes! I wouldn’t have thought you’d spring for that sort of thing!”

“If this were a public bar or something where I’d have to listen to drunk strangers and they’d have to listen to me, then no, I’d rather have my brain pulled through my nose a la mummification. But with only you guys and fourish drinks in? I’m down to clown.”

“Sash, you with us?”

“Dunno, what songs are there?”

Tim shrugs, and heads to the storage closet that contains all the various entertainment equipment. It takes a bit of searching, and a bit more digging, but he’s able to unearth the ancient portable karaoke machine. He also grabs some of the jigsaws, mostly on the thought that sometimes a bitch just wants to hang out with their friends and do a puzzle. Also because in light of the fact that they’re stuck inside with no sort of access to the outside world for two days longer than planned, there’s pretty much no way that they’re not going to reach a point where they all say fuck it let’s do a puzzle.

Plugging in the machine, it takes a solid several minutes to boot up, which is the perfect length of time to take it upon himself to take one for the team and chug the box wine himself, with Sasha and Martin chanting in the background. When he finishes, they cheer, and then Martin immediately shoves a glass of water for him to down as well, muttering something about how he wants him to be alive in the morning. Tim can tell he’s well inebriated by now, because the simple thoughtful gesture is enough to make him a little bit misty-eyed, and Sasha can attest to alcohol turning him into the world’s biggest sap. In order to avoid prevent himself from becoming the kind of person who says “I love you” in a gradually more sloppy repeat, he starts flipping through the discography of the now running machine. “Alright y’all, it looks like we got 80s songs or...80s songs. Ooo, they have the Grease 2 soundtrack.”

That gets him a well deserved “No!” from both parties, with Sasha adding on, “Not even if it was Grease 1. I’m putting an embargo on musical theater in general.”

“Oh come on, some musicals are better than other. Right, Marto?”

“I’m with Sasha on this one.”

“Boo. But fine, what do you want?”

Martin and Sasha glance at each other, and Tim’s amazed at how well the bonding night-turned-long-weekend has gone so far, considering they seem to have already mastered the art of silent communication. Martin speaks first, with, “They got Dolly Parton?”

The process of scrolling through individual letters to type is achingly slow, but luckily all he needs to get through is “DO” before she shows up. “They do.”

Sasha says, “Do they got 9 to 5, by Dolly Parton?”

Tim’s eyes light up with realization as he says, “They do,” and in a moment of spontaneous understanding, all three of them know that they’re not simply going to sing 9 to 5. No, they’re going to do a  full blown music video for the benefit for nobody but themselves, because why the fuck not.

The next hour is spent in a very silly fashion. They figure out how to use the cabin’s layout to their advantage, assign various parts of the song to each person, and practice their inexpert choreography a few times with the song tinnily blasting from Sasha’s phone. The final result is hardly of professional quality, but it is of making them all giggle quality. It starts off in a relay like manner, each of them in a different area to coordinate with “Tumble of out bed and stumble to the kitchen” (Sasha on the couch), “Pour myself a cup of ambition”, (Tim at the coffemaker), and “Yawn and stretch and try to come to life” (Martin at the fridge), with them finally crowding around the karaoke machine together to scream sing the chorus. Despite their practice, they quickly go off key, and while they might end up with low points for accuracy, they get full marks on enthusiasm.

When the song ends, it takes them a few minutes to settle down into something less giddy. As they do, Sasha, out of breath, says, “Fuck me, I’m sleepy now. What the hell?”

Tim hums in affirmation. “Goddammit, I’m tired too. Let me guess, Martin, you’re young enough that you could go all night?”

“No? I’ve never pulled an all-nighter in my life. Actually, I know that it was supposed to be in case the power went out, but huddling together under a blanket in front of a fire sounds really nice? I mean, um, if you guys were down.”

Sasha leans her head against Martin’s shoulder and takes on the expression of a deeply content cat. “Mmm, I call Martin, he’s warm.”

“Absolutely not, I also want to leech Martin’s warmth. You good with being in the middle?”

Martin’s practically beaming, but his voice manages to almost fake being put upon. “I suppose it’s a sacrifice I could make.”

With Sasha already half asleep, Martin brings her over to the couch, while Tim gets them all set up. He manages to find the kind of big, fluffy blanket that all cabins should contain and wraps it around their shoulders. Luckily for them, the fireplace is gas lit and can be put on a timer. He sets it for 30 minutes, even though all three of them are going to be long passed out before them. Sasha is already softly snoring away, and Martin’s head keeps drifting down and snapping back up. Tim curls up against Martin’s other side, and even though all three of them are going to wake up with aching backs and worse heads, he thinks he really just might be a genius after all.

*Why is Mr. Boddy’s name Dr. Black in the UK. I hate that. Why would you not have the dumb joke of  naming the victim “boddy”. Hey brits explain your crimes.

[kpop-pick-me-up]

How to loosely gauge where you stand on the privilege scale.

Everybody has some sort of privilege over someone else. It doesn't make you a bad person to have privilege. What makes you a bad person, is not being aware that you have a privilege and criticizing those who have less privilege than you for calling you out on it. So here is a very loose way to find out how much privilege you have. Feel free to add more questions in the comments I'll add them in!

Create a small "staircase" by laying out 21 pieces of paper on the floor, or just 21 small objects to mark the steps. (Have extra in case you need to add as you go)

Start by standing by/on the middle one.

Ask yourself these questions:

Am I white? If yes, take two steps up the stairs. If not, take two steps back.

I am female. If not, take one step forward, if yes take one step back.

I am straight. If yes, take on step forward. If not, take one step back.

I am naturally thin/fit and have no difficulty finding my size in stores or seeing models and celebrities that have similar body types to mine. If true, take a step forward and if false, take one back.

I am christrian. If true, take one step up, if false take one step back.

I live, and always have lived, in a safe neighborhood where I felt no danger on a regular basis. If true, take one step forward. If false, take one step back.

I have never been discriminated against because of my race, religion, or sexuality. Discrimination meaning; in the workplace, school, unprompted on the streets etc. If true, take one step forward and if false, one step back.

I can walk down to the street during the day freely without fear of being called out or attacked. If true, take one step forward. If false, take one step back.

I have a caring and loving family. If yes, take one step forward. If not, take one step back.

I have access to fresh foods that aren't canned, bagged, or prepackaged regularly, and never had to wonder when my next meal would be. If true, take a step forward. If false, take a step back.

I have never been scared of/had my power, cable, water, or electricity turned off because of insufficient funds. If true, take one step forward. If false, take one step back.

My parents/grandparents offer to help/Currently help pay some of my bills or funding. If true, take a step forward. If not, take a step back.

I have never not had a warm bed to sleep in, or a roof over my head. If true, take a step forward and if false take a step back.

I have access to things like the internet regularly, and the ability to further and choose my education if I wished to. If yes, take a step forward, if not take a step back.

I am transgender. Of true, take a step back. If false, take a step forward.

The top of the staircase is success. The higher up you are the easier it's achievable, the less stairs you have to trudge up to get there. You should notice by now you're probably rotating between the same 3-4 steps. Or you're continuously moving forward, or continuously moving backwards. This is where you loosely stand on the privileged staircase. If you're at the top, you are very privileged. It doesn't mean life is perfect or you've never been sad, it just means society has no reason to hold you back, and true oppression will never happen. You have little to no steps to climb. If you're at the bottom you don't experience any privilege in today's society. You are forced to trudge up every step, through every barrier to even just see the top. If your still directly in the middle, you're more privileged than some, and less than others. You get the gist.

This is just to make you more self aware and understand that you don't have to have a perfect life to be privileged, that having privilege doesn't make you a bad person. It means you need to be aware of the privileges you have and how it effects those that DONT have the same ones. To grab their hands and say "you're a person like me, I'll support you in whatever you need to do. I understand I'm privileged and that somethings may be harder for you even if I don't understand it. So please lead the way so I know how to use my privilege to make this better for you. To be equals. You have the floor because I know nothing about what it's like. "

You do NOT put yourself on a pedestal and say "I'm more privileged I'll be their hero."

You do NOT treat them like a disease or that there is something wrong with them and they need help all the time.

You ask them what it's like, you LISTEN to what they have to say with all of your attention because in this time, you don't completely understand and you never will. They are strong, independent beautiful people who don't need saving. Many of them have climbed from the bottom of the steps to the top and deserve every fucking second of praise and reward they recieve. They just need support and friendship. They need RESPECT. They need you to gently grasp their hand as they pass you in the steps, give them a part on the back and say "you're so fucking strong keep pushing yourself." And by listening to their stories when they pause on your step to rest and sharing them as they are said to you word for word is the only way to ever even think of changing the staircase.

You can be angry with where you stand. I want you to be angry. I want you to scream and rage and cry and say "this isnt fair" and then SCREAM EVEN LOUDER. if youre at the top I want you to be angry. I want you to be so mad that you use what you have to understand those below you, o want you to be so mad that you jump off the fucking staircase and say "how the fuck do I break it?" If you're at the bottom I want you to say "SCREW this staircase" and climb the railing to your own success. I want you to find a way to climb without it. To say "Fuck the stair case" and soar because you have just as much potential as the person in front of you and deserve to live and be happy.

Maybe we can never change it. Maybe we are stuck on this stupid staircase, so you give up and ignore it all together. But if we do that we won't ever know if we can weaken the cement holding it together. We never will know if maybe part of the staircase gets cut off or someone gets a chance to hop up a step.

But the first step? (The most difficult for some) is to acknowledge where you stand, and do something about it.

Edit: since I got some feedback Id like to make a couple things clear.

This isn't an exact placement. It's a social exercise. It helps people humble themselves or become more self/socially aware. The act of taking a step forward while knowing someone has to take a step back or even WATCHING someone else take a step back is enough to make a person think. It simply gives you an idea that: "maybe this DOES negatively impact people" or "I take that for granted." It's not an exact place. Of course, if you wanted an exact place you'd need to be severely tested, create multiple staircases for individual topics and then do math to find the average of where you stand. That's not what this is about. It's the action itself.

I would also like to mention that this is just a very basic outline. You can take this game and alter it, use it for specific topics like jobs, mental health, lgbtq+ etc. It's all up to you the questions you ask. Whenever I play this game I always start asking random questions I've seen discussed in the media to see how things going on effect those around me. There will be a couple questions I add up there because they are good valid questions, you can also simply create more and ask yourself them in the moment. Just like how the real world is there are no set structures or rules, just a basic outline.

Also, someone decided to comment on my Grammer and how I worded the questions lmao. I really don't care because posts like these are just brain dumps. They're stuff I just write out quickly on my phone and document for my own sanity. I often don't have the time to sit an plan out brain dumps they just happen, and I have to post them within the time constraints I have. For example I had to write this in less than ten minutes. I also never reread brain dumps because then I end up deleting them. So trust me, I know the grammar isn't great for any of my brain dump posts but that's what they are, dumps. This is just something I do to help connect with people since I have a lot of communication issues and difficulty understanding people, thoughts etc. This game and my brain dumps are how I get through them.

Please, if you think of any good questions feel free to add them in the comments or reblog with more. Check for new questions in the comments.

Again, don't take this too seriously, it's a brain dump and very quickly written. I never expect any brain dumps to get attention, so I feel no need correct grammar or make sure everything is 100% perfect all the time. I just write and go so I can focus on my task at hand. It's that simple.

[breaniebree]

Talking about my love for my OC with @xxqueenofdragonsxx​.  This is my Zahira as best as I can make her, though someone awesome may be drawing me some amazing fan art of her so fingers crossed. 

ZAHIRA ZELENA ZACARIAS (ZEE):

Magizoologist, works for the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures for the Ministry of Magic.

Born 9th April, 1964 to parents Michael Ivanovich (Misha) Zacarias and Magnolia Jackson Zacarias.  Misha, a Muggleborn Russian Auror who is following the trail of a dark wizard and finds himself in Paris where he meets the American witch Magnolia Jackson.  They fall in love and get married and Magnolia moves to Moscow to be with him and then when Zee is six, her mother is killed.  

I think that it was a gruesome death, a curse that tortured her for days before she finally succumbed to her death.  They were living in Russia at the time and Zee was with her Baba and Deda, as she was only six, and her mother had gone into town to do some shopping.  The dark wizard was stalking her and cursed her.  She was left alone in an alley to die and wasn’t found for almost six hours, by then, the curse had taken over too much of her and any attempt at saving her life was impossible.  She’d lost her mind and Zee was never able to say goodbye.  Magnolia didn’t even recognize Misha when he found her which was part of why it hurt Misha so much to lose her in the end.

Misha meets Sorcha Brown when Zee is eight, a freelance journalist from Scotland. Zee grew up travelling between Scotland and Moscow and she always loved animals.  She spent her summers visiting her American grandparents on their ranch in Toccoa, Georgia where her grandmother owns a 50s diner called Flo’s and her grandfather is chief of police.  Her stepmother is the mother she grew up with.  Mama, seeing Zee’s love for animals always allowed her to bring home strays.  Her father continued to work in Russia, travelling back and forth via international portkey every day when they spent time in Scotland.  And when it came time for her to go to school, they decided to send her to the wizarding school in Russia — the Koldovstoretz School of Magic because it had such an amazing Care of Magical Creatures program.  She speaks fluent French, Russian, and Mermish because of her upbringing and her career and a little bit of Greek.

She has 4 tattoos:

Gold and green tribal elephant on right side of ribs

Red and gold dragon across spine

Black niffler on back of her neck

Zee tattoo over scar - deep green vines with bright blue orchids scattered from the top of her left hip down the side of her thigh, wrapping around her knee, Lady Godiva hidden in the vines covering her scar lying on a bed of blue orchids ending at her ankle.  I AM WOMAN written on one side, HEAR ME ROAR, written on the other.

Zee found him napping on the sofa and she smiled at the sight of him, bending to kiss his forehead.  Her curls tickled his face, a small smile on his lips.  Not wanting to disturb him, she hurried upstairs to pack the rest of her bag.  She changed into a short halter dress over her new bikini and was admiring her calf in the mirror when he came in.

His eyes met hers in the mirror and the look in them sent desire raking through her.

“When did you get home?”

“Maybe fifteen minutes ago?  You looked so peaceful having your nap.”

“I was resting my eyes,” he said, making her grin.

“Right.”

Sirius moved towards her, his eyes trailing down her body.  “You look fucking gorgeous.”  His gaze stopped on her leg, a brow rising.  “You got a new tat?”

Zee held onto his arm as he picked up her leg to examine the new tattoo.  She had gotten Lady Godiva.  She’d done her panther’s sleek form in a dark black outline but other than her golden eyes, she’d coloured the panther in with flowered camouflage.  Purple perennials and pink tulips, red roses and blue lilacs that brightened her leg and covered every inch of the ugly burn scar to the back of her knee.  Deep green vines and leaves surrounded the outline of the panther, framing the words written down either side of the panther in cursive: I Am Woman and on the other side it continued with: Hear Me Roar.

“Fuck, that’s sexy,” Sirius murmured, his fingertips tracing the words. 

“Yeah?”  Zee said.  “I didn’t want to look at my burn anymore so I wanted to cover it with something beautiful.”

“And the Reddy lyrics?”

She grinned.  “Points to you.”

Sirius let go of her leg and bent his head to kiss her.  “I love it.  But you were sexy with the scar too.”

Zee slipped her arms around his neck.  “And that, Mr Black, is one of the many reasons why I love you.”

Sirius slid his hands up her back into her hair.  “Let’s go shag on the beach.”

She laughed as he let her go and picked up their bags.  “Sounds perfect.”

As he walked out the door, she couldn’t help but think that she had never loved anyone more than the man before her.  She didn’t know what the future held for her, but she did know that her future was nothing without Sirius Black and Harry Potter. (Excerpt from A Second Chance, chapter 213)

Zee’s wand was made by Gregorvich and it is chestnut as the wood meshes with her love of animals, I think it’s short like her, only 15 cm  in length and her core is from a coral reef.  Her wand core gives the owner patience, someone with a coral reef core knows how to bring things to fruition, provide protection for all, as well as generate longevity.  They have a knack for deflecting disaster, whatever form it takes.  They are also loving, nurturing, and healing; are a source of enduring friendship and support and often the glue that holds the ship together.  I thought it sounded very much like Zee.

She stands no taller than 156 cm (roughly 5′1 and 3/4) and often wears 4 inch heels as if she was born in them, preferably her heeled cowboy boots.  She has long dark brown hair with golden caramel highlights mixed through it.  Her grandmother on her mum’s side was African-American so her skin is like a caramel toffee.  She loves bright red lipstick and big earrings.  She wears a white gold and turquoise turtle belly button ring and usually has smaller hoops or studs in her ears above the big hoops.  As shown above and mentioned before, she is very curvy, hourglass and I picture her body type like Jaydah Doll, but her face is the gorgeous model at the top (I saw her and thought Zee).

Her pet is a panther named Lady Godiva.  She rescued her from Muggles who were hunting her and her pack in Kenya.  Her parents were killed and she was the only cub that she could find so she nurtured her and kept her safe.  Why Godiva?

“I always admired her bravery; standing up for what she wanted and doing the only thing that she could do at the time to make her stand.  No one would listen to her and she had no power and no ability to use weapons.  She wasn’t a witch with powers to sway them so she set out on a horse, completely nude, and she got the attention she wanted.  She made her mark.  I found Lady Godiva in Kenya, hiding from the Muggles who had shot and killed her family, when I rescued her and confronted the Muggles, she jumped from my arms and stood in front of me, growling at them, almost daring them to fight her to get to me.  I thought that she was making her stand, a cub with no power of her own, but she was trying.  So I named her Godiva.” (Excerpt from A Second Chance, chapter 65)

Her grandfather on her dad’s side was a Muggle and veteran of the Second World War.  He drove a 1937 BSA M20 and it’s hers now.  She loves motorcycles and getting her hands dirty.  She’s an incredible cook.  She likes to read mystery, horror, and romance novels.  She travels for her job and has been all over the world, but has recently been enjoying her time working in the menagerie within the Ministry of Magic and helping to organize it.

As to the Koldovstoretz School of Magic, I like to think it’s hidden somewhere deep in Russia and that it looks like the ruins Balga Castle to prevent anyone from finding it, but when you get through the warding it opens up and looks the Vologda Kremlin and Saint Sophia Cathedral, just gorgeous Russian architecture -- but not as large as Hogwarts’ castle.  It says that they played a version of Quidditch there where they flew on uprooted trees instead of broomsticks -- which is another reason why I think Zee was never big into playing the sport herself.  Also I imagine her as short and curvy, which means she may not have great balance on a broom, and she loves riding the motorbike and likes the Muggle machine more than a broomstick if she has to choose.

As to her family tree:

The Jacksons:

Colten (Muggle) and Florence Jackson

Daughter Magnolia Jackson Zacarias (deceased) married to Michael (Misha) Zacarias with one daughterZahira Zelena Zacarias

The Zacarias’:

Ivan and Anya Zacarias (Muggles – Ivan was the soldier in WWII with the motorbike that he gave to Zee)

1. Michael (Misha) Ivanovich Zacarias m. Magnolia Jackson Zacarias (d) m. Sorcha Brown Zacarias

(a) Zahira Zelena Zacarias eng. Sirius Orion Black

(i) Harry James Potter

(ii) Twin 1 and Twin 2 Black (due January 1997)

2. Olga Ivanova Zacarias Petrov m. Dimtri Petrov

(a) Mikhail Petrov m. Ana Ivanov

(i) Yuri Petrov (11)

(b) Mila Petrov Sokolov m. Nicholas Sokolov

(i) Nastasia Sokolov (9)

(ii) Dinara Sokolov (6)

3. Sasha Zacarias Blok m. Yerik Blok

(a) Tanya Blok Fedorov m. Alek Fedorov

(i) Eva and Irina (twin girls identical) (2)

(b) Tatiana Blok eng. Iosif Kuznetsov

The Browns:

Callum and Fiona Brown

Brian Brown m. Jocasta Fitzgibbons

(a) Dougal Brown m. Ellen Smith

(i) Jenny Brown (24)

(ii) Ian Brown (22)

Sorcha Brown m. Misha Zacarias

(a) Zahira Zacarias

Names for Family Members:

Ivan & Anya = Baba and Deda

Tetya = auntie

Dyadya = uncle

Misha & Sorcha = Papa and Grandmama

Colt & Flo = Grandpa and Grandma

Callum & Fiona = Gran and Grandda

Basically, I love her and I’m so glad that other people have come to love her as much as me.

Zeerius is my canon.

@velvethopewrites​ thank you for loving her enough to put her in your Muggle AU.

[makeste]

BnHA 235: How Do I Turn This Flashback Off

Previously on BnHA: Re-Destro plucked off three of Tomura’s left fingers like flower petals and also destroyed one of his Emotional Support Hands in the process, prompting Tomura to have more flashbacks. We learned that AFO specifically gave Tomura the hands so that Tomura would never get over the trauma of the whole experience (like, he even told him this directly, wtf). We then got more flashbacks of Hana, as well as new flashbacks of Tomura’s mother and grandparents. Our boy then started to use his quirk on RD with only two fingers, which prompted RD to be all “wha?!” and let him go and finally realize that Tomura was going through a good old-fashioned shounen awakening process. Not wanting to be on the wrong end of this, he powered up himself and tried to finish Tomura off. But as he tried (and failed) to deliver a final blow, Gigantomachia finally came storming into town. At the same time, Tomura finally remembered everything (!!!) and got this really sad look on his face, and holy shit you guys the hype for this next chapter is real.

Today on BnHA: The tragic story of the Shimura family is finally revealed in all of its inevitably doomed glory. This chapter deserves an introduction from Lemony Snicket. This is not a fun time you guys. Baby Tenko was pure and idealistic and wanted nothing more than to be a hero just like All Might (and hey thanks Horikoshi, that was a nice heart I had once before you ripped it out and stabbed it 27 times here), and his father was a bitter and broken man harboring unresolved abandonment issues which he needlessly took out on his own children because humans are flawed and sometimes terrible. And we all know how the story ends, so if you happen to not have the stomach to watch terrified little boys being beaten by their parents, or cute little dogs getting hugged and then crumbled to dust offscreen, or if you don’t feel like getting faked out by Horikoshi half a dozen times because he’s a fucking troll who knows full well what he’s doing, might I suggest putting this chapter down and taking a stroll on over to the theater next door? It’s not too late to see a film about a happy little elf.

(All comments are my unspoiled reactions from my initial readthrough of the chapter. I did a quick edit for grammar and clarity immediately afterward, and added one or two ETAs in the process, but aside from that there are no changes.)

  YESSSSSSSSS

YOU GUYS, I HAVEN’T EVEN FUCKING CLICKED TO THE CHAPTER YET AND MY HYPE HAS ALREADY ASCENDED TO NEW UNPRECEDENTED HEIGHTS. DID I NOT SAY??

AND LO AND BEHOLD, MY GD MIND IS BEING LOST AS WE SPEAK OMG

anyways so yeah I fucking called this back in chapter 222, along with a zillion other people I’m sure. but still, feels good

and this officially makes Tenko the fourth character to receive an “origin” chapter now, after Deku (chapter 01), Shouto (chapter 39), and Katsuki (chapter 62). so that’s actually a pretty big deal! this whole thing just makes me really happy because I love seeing such a carefully planned character arc come together, and it’s so pleasing and gratifying to see the pieces falling into place exactly as they should. it’s like watching one of those “oddly satisfying” youtube compilations. this is the manga equivalent of this. god I can’t wait to watch it play out

anyway so here’s the color spread we were promised last week! awesome

look at all of these characters we haven’t seen in a couple months. it’s a testament to how thoroughly entertaining this arc has been that I haven’t missed class 1-A nearly as much as I would have expected. which isn’t to say I don’t miss them dearly! but it’s just, normally I’d be practically going through withdrawals if you took my favorite characters away for such a long time. and I mean, we cut away right when Kacchan and Shouto had finally gotten their hero licenses, and Deku was going through “AFO’S POWER!?!?” angst, and so forth! and then we just left them for almost half a fucking year! that’s insane!!

but like, the shocking thing to me is that I genuinely have been pretty cool with it. that’s how compelling this arc has been to me. it’s nothing at all like the Basement Arc where I was all but ready to start slapping posters of Bakugou’s face on the walls asking “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS CHILD?” like, I am sincerely shocked to tell you the truth. this arc could go on for another month or two and I probably wouldn’t mind, so long as the quality remained this high. and that’s the biggest compliment to Horikoshi that I can think of. good fucking job dude

that being said, I don’t think this arc will continue much longer, and it is awesome to see the 1-A kids again all the same, so let’s just take in this page real quick before finally getting on to the Tragic Tenko Memories action

I like how Bakugou and Deku have both incorporated elements from their hero costumes into their orange ensembles for no real reason. but they are literally the only two characters who have done this, so I feel it’s worth pointing out

speaking of things that are there for no real reason, Bakugou also has a string tied around his ankle just completely at random. someone want to tell me what’s up with this? should I start inspecting the other characters’ ankles to see if there is a matching one

Mineta looks super cute, there I said it. I’m sorry but it’s true. let’s just cut him out of the rest of the manga moving forward and only have him randomly hovering in the background every so often. Mineta you can’t fly so what are you even doing dude

All Might is just completely defying gravity. just standing on absolutely nothing at all at a 45-degree lean. everyone else who’s mid-air is at least in the process of jumping or landing. but not All Might, no ma’am. he just doesn’t give a fuck

I see you there Inasa. up there spreading joy. and lest you guys believe Seiji and Camie were left out, let me assure you they were not and they are actually chilling over on a bridge just below Bakugou’s mystery bracelet. so that’s nice and also I still ship them yep

Miruko is here which gives me hope we’ll be seeing more of her soon! yes please Horikoshi do this for me

Hawks has no right to look so bored when he so recently texted Dabi a picture of a backpack sitting on his front porch with the caption “your package from Amazon has been delivered.” you are the reason Best Jeanist isn’t in this cover spread, Hawks, so what do you have to say for yourself

Todoroki has the fondest fucking expression on his face, and if you follow his gaze I swear to god it’s landing on Bakugou of all fucking people which makes me believe that contrary to everyone’s initial expectations, he is the one who actually has the matching ankle bracelet. that’s right kids, it was TodoBaku all along, we’ve all been played. either that or he’s looking at Tokoyami. idk guys the whirlwind teenage romance drama continues

anyways I hope everyone is good and cheered by this page, because we’re about to step back into our bleak and violent villain narrative now so say goodbye

okay so the first page is basically just RD thinking about how he’s refined his “stress” ability since childhood and that it can’t be dodged easily, but Tomura still managed to do it

and then we’re cutting to Tomura’s face which has the same sort of weary shell-shocked expression we ended the last chapter on, and ffff you guys I’m not ready but here we go anyway I guess

hooooooly shit

that is some good dramatic imagery. can’t wait to see Viz’s version when it comes out; that last panel definitely deserves to be seen in its fully restored glory

but anyway, so! that’s the Papa Hand! he just took it out of his pocket! and now he’s just holding it and staring at it! SHIT’S ABOUT TO GET REAL HERE YOU GUYS. THE SHIT IS ABOUT TO BUST THROUGH THE WALL AND WATASHI GA KITA THIS BITCH

why does he look so happy oh god :’D this is about to fuck me up isn’t it

so he remembered all the details of the Shimura Massacre and now he’s thinking that he really is just a vicious killing machine? is that what it is? oh god Horikoshi just show us already I can’t take it

but first we’re cutting to Re-Destro posing villainously and looking for all the world like that demon from the “Night on Bald Mountain” segment in Fantasia. I don’t know if it’s intentional or not, but the art for RD these last couple chapters has been giving me a strong old-school Disney animation vibe. they came up with some scary stuff back in the day

Horikoshi really got us rooting for the guy who’s arguing for the destruction of the world. smdh. like I said, we’re being played

OH NO OH SHIT HERE WE GO

okay, without knowing anything at all about the context of this scene, I immediately suspect that this shadowy man tipping his hat toward Tenko and Mama Shimura might be All for One up to his bullshit but let’s see

(ETA: this is probably Mikkun and/or Tomo-chan’s dad actually. but I’m still watching you, mister.)

oh shit oh shit oh shit you guys aahhsdfhshah

SHIMURA KOTARO. THERE HE IS, AT LONG LAST. NANA’S SON OMGGGGG

HE LOOKS SO MUCH LIKE HER AND YET HE’S SO STERN AND UNFRIENDLY. WHERE IS THE TRADEMARK SHIMURA SMILE, OH GOD I’M NOT READY FOR THIS ANGST

let me guess, it was a “in this house we don’t speak the H-word” rule. with the four-letter h-word in this case not being what you might typically expect

also! black hair! so that’s also confirmed! so I guess it changed color due to his trauma? oh god

and you can see he’s got the little scratches which were hinted at in the previous chapter, but they’re not nearly as bad yet. I have to assume that habit got much worse also due to the trauma. oh god. again

I haven’t watched that new HBO show about Chernobyl yet, but I feel like this is kind of what it must be like? knowing full well that Very Bad Things are about to go down but not being able to do anything and having to just watch as it all plays out. shit

anyways yep. no h-word allowed

so he was five! one whole year older than I thought omg. my mistake

in other news guys, I’m currently researching how to build a machine that will let me enter a fictional two-dimensional world and then travel back in time in that world to rescue and adopt a small child who needs lots of hugs omfg anyway so if anyone wants to help me out I think it’s a worthwhile endeavor

...why did I laugh omg. Tenko why is your dad the most dramatic bitch

(ETA: in all seriousness I think we should investigate the possibility of the Shimuras being distantly related to the Todorokis.)

HIS ALLERGIES ARE ACTING UP DAD HAVE A FUCKING HEART

anyways it’s all good because Hana will go visit him and they’ll sneak into dad’s office and she’ll show him the picture of their grandma to cheer him up. and then I’m sure eventually his dad will see reason and they’ll sort out their issues and they’ll all live happily ever after. la la la

so now Grandma is suggesting that Kotaro has maybe been a little too harsh on Tenko lately. yes Grandma make him see reason please

also I’m really curious as to whether or not Grandma is Kotaro’s adopted mom, or Tenko’s maternal grandma. if she is the adopted mom I love her even more and that makes me even sadder about their deaths, because they took in this boy whose mother basically abandoned him and then later DIED HORRIBLY, and they did their best to raise him with love, only for AFO to come along and eventually murder the lot of them which is so fucked up I can’t even. they deserved better

Kotaro has such a jaded look in his eyes here that it’s hard for me to be mad at him at all even though he’s being a jerk dad

he’s had a really rough life. yes he’s being a jerk but he thinks he’s doing what’s best for his children though. fml why is this shit so complicated

okay this next page is kind of conflicting on the are-they-or-aren’t-they-his-adopted-parents thing sob

like on the one hand, he literally calls them mom and dad. but then two panels down Tomura says they’re his parents-in-law. so what is the truth. maybe it’s not him talking to them in that first panel? or maybe he’s just really tight with his in-laws idk

anyway so now we’re cutting to Tenko and his mom, and this is the sweetest thing ever and why are you doing this to me Horikoshi!?

FFFF OKAY BUT!!

BABY TENKO’S LIL TRAIN SET OMG SO CUTE. AND IS THAT A PLATE OF ONIGIRI ON THE TABLE. TENKO YOU MADE A MESS AND YOU DIDN’T EVEN FINISH IT, SUCH A TYPICAL FIVE-YEAR-OLD OMG

THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT KIND OF ALLERGY IT IS?? AND IT ONLY ACTS UP WHEN HE’S AT HOME. THIS IS SUSPICIOUS AS FUCK. WHAT KIND OF FOUL PLAY IS GOING ON. OR IS IT JUST STRESS?

MOM SECRETLY SUPPORTS HIS DREAM TO BE A HERO AND HE’S OPEN WITH HER ABOUT IT I CAN’T

MIKKUN AND TOMO-CHAN! OH MY GOD DID YOU GET INTO A FIGHT TO DEFEND YOUR FRIENDS AND THAT’S WHY YOU GOT INTO TROUBLE I FUCKING CAN’T HE WAS SUCH A GOOD BOY. HE REMINDS ME SO MUCH OF DEKU HERE HOLY SHIT

(ETA: they even look alike.)

cuuuuuuuuuuuute

OH MY GOD

SHIMURA TENKO WAS AN ALL MIGHT FAN CONFIRMED OMFG?!

you guys. that is a lot of emotions that just hit me all at once holy shit. where do I even begin

first of all this continues the pattern of “origin” chapters showing how the characters in question admired All Might when they were growing up. we’re 4 for 4 as of now. I love this

second, it just hit me like bam to learn that Tenko felt drawn to All Might, knowing how they’re actually connected. All Might doesn’t even know (yet) that Nana had a grandson, and Tenko has no idea that his childhood hero is actually his grandmother’s protege. and yet he still winds up admiring him even without that knowledge. pow right in the feels

and lastly, I wouldn’t have thought this whole situation could get any more fucked up, and yet Horikoshi still managed it! Tenko goes from looking up to All Might and wanting to be like him, to hating him and wanting nothing more than to hurt and destroy him. fucking ouch you guys. god but that one hurts

oh and also you better believe I immediately went to the wiki to see if there were any characters around Tomura’s age whose first names might believably be condensed to Mikkun or Tomo-chan. specifically, I went to Miruko first because I wasn’t sure if she was one of those characters whose hero name was similar to her actual name! but sadly her actual name is Rumi. so much for my “Miruko and Tomura were childhood friends” theory which lasted for all of two seconds but was a wild ride while it did

you guys baby Tenko has the chubbiest little boy legs lmao I love him so much oh god. and also on a more serious note this makes presentday!Tomura’s almost emaciated appearance all the more jarring. tack on yet another reason to hate AFO to the list. it’s getting to be a really long list

the parallels between him and Deku are off the fucking charts you guys. this is getting ridiculous. god I’m so weak for this kind of storytelling dfsldkjfk

don’t think I didn’t notice the enormous rack you went and gave Tenko’s mom, Horikoshi. but you know what I’m going to allow it because this is just so fucking good and also because for once he’s being pretty subtle about it all things considered

adult!Tomura’s narration is shockingly insightful here

like, he’s so in touch with his five-year-old emotions, and also his understanding of how this all affected him in hindsight. that’s a lot of self-awareness for a guy who only just remembered all of this like thirty seconds ago

doesn’t Tomura have like a 5/5 on the intelligence score according to the character book? for a longest time I was really skeptical about that, but the more I see of him in this arc the more I see that it’s not just talk

oh my goddddddddd

LOOK AT HIS FACE OH MY GOD. he’s fucking entranced. you can tell he’s instantly captivated by her

HORIKOSHI NO, WHY

GODFUCKINGDAMMIT I DIDN’T ASK FOR THIS YOU BASTARD

son of a bitch. well now I’m more subscribed than ever to the theory of Hana also surviving and being taken in by AFO in secret. she can’t be dead! she wanted to be a hero just like him! brother and sister heroes! Horikoshi I s2g if you really did kill her off I’m going to kick your ass. this is the exact spot where I’m drawing the line. this is how much angst you are allowed to have. right up to here and that’s it. the rest of the family can be dead, whatever, it’s sad and it’s fucked up, but don’t you dare touch Hana or I will...!!

and they promised. they made a brother-sister promise about what they were going to be when they grew up! and Tomura only just now remembered it! lord help me this boy is going to need all the therapy after this

OH NO

THAT DAY oh my god this is it strap yourselves in kids, we’re about to luge down this icy hill of Dead Family Feels and I don’t know how to fucking luge you guys

he’s so fucking happy. I’m so fucking stressed rn

oh GOD

TENKO DON’T MOVE!! DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING! OH GOD. HOW DO I TURN THIS FLASHBACK OFF THAT’S IT WE GOOD I’VE SEEN ENOUGH!!

LDSKFHHHH

KOTARO NO GO AWAY, EVEN IF YOU’VE BEEN A JERK DAD YOU DON’T DESERVE THIS AND TENKO DOESN’T DESERVE THIS, AND GOD, ALL FOR ONE CAN FUCKING BURN IN HELL, THIS IS SO FUCKED UP

AHHHHHH

OH GREAT THE WHOLE FUCKING FAMILY IS RIGHT THERE! JUST FUCKING PERFECT. THIS IS ALL GOING TO END SO FUCKING WELL I CAN’T

OH SHIT

KOTARO YOU’RE SUDDENLY CANCELLED YOU FUCKING DICK, BUT YOU STILL DIDN’T DESERVE TO DIE, BUT HOLY SHIT YOU SUCK!!! I DIDN’T ACTUALLY THINK YOU’D REALLY GO THROUGH WITH IT BUT I GUESS I WAS GIVING YOU TOO MUCH CREDIT YOU RAT BASTARD

I’M GLAD MAMA SHIMURA IS YELLING AT HIM NOW BUT I ALSO HAVE A TERRIBLE FEELING THAT HER RUNNING TO INTERVENE IS GOING TO SPARK A CHAIN REACTION, GIVEN WHAT’S ABOUT TO HAPPEN OH GOD

(ETA: or maybe I gave her too much credit. turns out there was no intervening to speak of.)

anyway so now Kotaro is yelling “that’s not your grandma!”, and I can’t decide if this is anger or something else on his face in this moment, which unbeknownst to him is one of the final moments of his life hahaha sob somebody help me how do I stop this ride

also Mon-chan keeps barking and I know that’s going to end really badly in just a moment as well ugh. it’s like those final few seconds after a grenade rolls into a room and everyone sees that the pin is missing and they know what’s about to happen but they can’t do anything to stop it. we’re all gonna die folks

oh no it actually was Something Else on his face oh fuck me

I’m fucking furious at Horikoshi right now for pulling this shit again and giving this scene so much complexity. there’s so much going on here that we’re never even going to get the chance to unpack because it’s all about to go to shit. and Kotaro is an absolute bastard, but he’s also a man who’s still reeling from the pain of being abandoned by his own mother and never came to terms with that. and yet that absolutely does not make this okay in the slightest, at all, and it’s abundantly clear that he is still very much the bad guy here and that what he’s doing is unforgivable. I just really like that he went and gave him this much depth despite him playing such a despicable role here. god BnHA is so good

anyway back to being devastated

HE LOOKS SO FUCKING TERRIFIED AND I’M SO MAD ABOUT EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW HE DIDN’T DESERVE THIS!!!

MOTHERFUCKER HERE IT COMES

[takes a deep breath and clicks to the next page!!]

hey what the

not the panel I was expecting with Tenko reaching out defensively and touching his father and accidentally turning him to ash while the rest of the family shrieks in fear and shock, but okay. I can’t say I was exactly looking forward to seeing that so I’ll take it!

oh Horikoshi. you see, this is exactly the type of shit I’m talking about

okay Kotaro, I can feel sorry for you in this moment and sympathize with the child-you who did not deserve that at all, and also feel yet more rage toward AFO for utterly destroying this family. but that doesn’t mean I don’t absolutely hate you at the same time for what you did to your son. it’s just like that. you had reasons but you’re still a dick. just BnHA character things

Horikoshi why oh my god

RIP SHIMURA FAMILY YOU DESERVED BETTER AND YOU WILL BE AVENGED!!

and yet all the same that does not make it right for you to take out your pain and frustration on your helpless five-year-old son! YOU FUCKED UP KOTARO. but this next page is still going to hurt oh god

[takes another deep breath!!]

oh okay we’re still drawing it out

-- holy shit, wait a sec. is this all taking place after? wait a fucking second

okay you guys holy shit, I just went back to the “house my father built” page and it is very clearly segueing into another flashback. like, in hindsight it’s obvious, but these aren’t actually Tenko’s memories any more. I think what happened was that Kotaro actually did hit Tenko another couple of times and then that was it, and then it cut back to this scene here which is actually taking place after that incident

which means Tenko’s memories were indeed tampered with then if my hunch is right!! let’s read on, but I’m pretty sure AFO is about to come along and murder the shit out of these folks, holy shit is this really happening?!

okay so Mama Shimura is telling Kotaro that she’s done following his rules

like, I’m glad she’s standing up for her children but I really wish she’d rip him a new one much more severely than this though

though he does seem genuinely regretful. but that’s hardly helpful now?? girl just take the kids and leave

oh no we’re cutting back to Tenko and he’s hugging Mon-chan out in the backyard and it’s nighttime now noooooooo

all right, for the third fucking time I’m going to take a deep fucking breath and turn the page holy shit you guys this chapter is taking years off my life

ffff ffff ffffffff

(((╹д╹;)))

(⁽⁽ ⁰ ⁾⁾ Д ⁽⁽ ⁰ ⁾⁾;;;)

(φ Д φ )

...well shit

parting thoughts:

I’m okay with this being the only bit they show and not getting any more detail. please for once don’t give us any more detail, Horikoshi, holy fuck

though if we don’t actually see anything, part of me is still going to suspect AFO of directly interfering right up until the end of the series. the whole thing just comes together too perfectly for him. there’s no fucking way

I still 100% believe he gave Tenko the quirk, too. especially now that we know he was quirkless until age five. we’ve previously established that if a child hasn’t evolved a quirk by that age it almost always means they’re quirkless for life. Horikoshi thinks he’s smooth trying to play it off like Tenko was a tragic late bloomer but WE KNOW THE TRUTH. I will go down with this theory damn it

I would say this is easily the single most fucked up thing we have seen in this series up to this point, but I see Horikoshi eyeing the upcoming Noumu plotline and the tragic tale of Tsubasa and his fucked up mad scientist grandpa and looking for somebody to hold his beer, so. I’ll just keep my mouth shut, I think

anyways this chapter was amazing and terrifying and I can’t wait to see how Tomura’s story moves forward from here. happy 5th anniversary of BnHA, y’all

[kayteewritessteve]

If Only You Knew - 14/19

Description: You arrive home one day to find a wedding invite for two of your best friends from high school. You knew this day was going to come eventually, but even with that said, you weren’t prepared to return home. At least not after 7 years of avoiding Buckhannon, West Virginia. Or rather, avoiding him; your ex-best friend and the secret love of your life. But maybe it was finally time to face your past, to face him, and everything else that happened on that horrible night. Who would have knew that your prom would end up being a total disaster, and the very last night you’d spend in Buckhannon for the next 7 years? you certainly didn’t. That’s for sure.

Catch up HERE.

Word Count: 5,290 ish.

Pairing: Modern!Steve Rogers x Reader.

Rating: 18+

Warnings: Violence. Drinking. Bad and offensive jokes. Possible triggering thoughts, feelings and emotions. Moments of bullying and harsh name calling. Lots of curse words. And a very sloooow burn.

A/N: I sadly don’t own any of these characters. And no beta reader, so I do proudly own all the errors and this story, so there’s that.

July 2018 - Present.

Steve hopped out of his truck, having just found a spot in 88 restaurant’s parking lot. He closed his door, then started to walk towards the entrance, clicking the lock button on his key fob a few times, until he heard the familiar honk of his truck locking and alarming itself.

Reaching the front entrance of the restaurant he paused to checked his watch, assuring he was, in fact, on time. Or rather, slightly early as was his preference for most things. He wasn’t a fan of arriving to anything late. That just wasn’t his style.

Once he saw that he had a few minutes to spare, he took a deep breath and opened the door, walking up to the hostess standing behind a podium. She greeted him with a warm smile and a quick welcome before asking for his name. Having confirmed he was here for the Barnes reservation she showed him to a private back room in the restaurant. Clearly a room reserved for functions like this.

He noticed that he was the first one to arrive. Figures, he was usually the first one for most things. He took a seat at the end of the table and picked up his menu to give it a once over before everyone else arrived. Unsure of when that would be, as Bucky was never on time for anything.

But luckily for Steve, he didn’t end up being alone for long, as he began to hear a few familiar voices coming towards the room. Glancing up from his menu right as Nat and Bucky walked into the room. Followed closely by Maria, Clint, Laura, Winnifred, Rebecca, Barney, and little James Jr.

Growing up Winnie Barnes had been basically like a second mom to Steve, she had been good friends with his mother, Sarah. Along with both Maria Hill and Kelly Hill—Nat’s aunt and mother—and Maria Stark—Steve’s Godmother/adoptive mother. The girls had all grown up together, and been inseparable all their lives.

So when Steve’s mom had passed, then Bucky’s father left and then a few years later Nat’s parents died, Winnie and both Maria’s all stepped up to basically help each other through, and raise the group of kids together. Each woman having suffered some form of terrible loss, which only brought them all closer. Made them really cherish each other in different, deeper ways. But loss can really be the catalyst for change, it can show us how precious life truly is, and that you have to really cherish it and the ones you love. Because in the blink of an eye, it can all be taken away.

So then it goes without saying that the kids all grow up together, were inseparable just are their moms/aunts were. But then the group continued to grow over the years, going from 3 best friends to 8.

Starting with bringing Sam in when his father was transferred to town with the Military. Then Clint, who actually always lived here but was home schooled till grade 5. Then Hilde who moved to live with her grandparents during her parents messy divorce, but then decided to just stay. Then the Maximoff twins, when their mom inherited a home here from a great aunt who’d passed. And then lastly, Y/N.

But anywho, a few years back Rebecca and Barney Barton—Clint’s older brother—who had married young, announced that he’d had a job offer in New York that was too good to pass up. And that they’d be relocating for it. They’d come back to visit a few times a year. It had been really hard for Bucky to lose his only sister as such a prominent part of his life, but he knew New York would be good for her, and Barney. And he still had his close group of friends to keep him company.

But when they announced Rebecca was pregnant, Bucky and Clint were so excited, but also so upset that they wouldn’t really get to be a part of their niece or nephews life. However once James Jr. was born, Bucky and Clint would go to visit them often, Nat always tagging along for the visits. It wasn’t the best set up, but they made it work.

Barney hadn’t been able to take a ton of time off for the wedding, with being so busy at work, so they had only arrived into town that morning. They’d stay for a few days to partake in the wedding then fly home shortly after the wedding.

“Of course you’d be the first one here punk,” Bucky laughed as he escorted Nat to one of the seats in the middle of the table. Then took the seat beside her, between her and Steve, and clapping Steve on the back once he was settled, “been here long?”

“No, only a few minutes or so,” he said as he leaned forward to look passed Bucky at Nat, “you look beautiful as always, Nat.”

“Trying to steal my bride, punk?” Bucky scoffs jokingly at Steve.

“At least he said something about my outfit,” she glares pointedly at Bucky then looks passed him to smile sweetly at Steve. “So thank you Stevie, that’s very sweet of you to say. And you look very handsome, as well.”

Bucky gasps and feigns offence, “I tell you all the time how beautiful you look.”

Steve chuckles and shakes his head at his two best friends as Nat over exaggeratedly rolls her eyes, “except today, it would appear.”

“What!?” Bucky’s eyes widened comically, “I totally told you, that you looked stunning as we were leaving the house!” He pauses and narrows his eyes at her, “clearly you weren’t listening to me.” And then he gasps, dramatically, “were you ignoring me, Nat?”

She just glares at him for a moment, most likely trying to come up with a retort. But chooses instead to stay silent as she realizes that he had out played her this time. But only this time.

His smug smirk proves that he had also realized as much, “that’s what I thought.” Then he pecks her on the cheek in a form of truce before turning to Steve, but before Bucky can say a word the doors open again. And in walks Hilde, Thor, Sam, Wanda, Vis and Y/N, chatting animatedly with each other before greeting everyone as they each find their seats at the table.

Steve can’t help but give Y/N a once over—that’s a lie, he glanced over her figure more then once, but that’s neither here nor there—as she entered the room. Luckily for him she ended up in the seat directly across from his, with Wanda beside her. Followed by Vis, Thor, Hilde then Rebecca and finally Barney. James Jr was set up at the end of the table, with Clint sitting across from Barney. Then Laura, Winnie and finally Maria, who was beside Nat. And then Sam was left the seat at the end of the table, by Steve and Y/N.

But let’s be real, Steve barely paid any attention to anyone else at the table in this moment, his mind had gone basically blank. Or into limp mode, as Bucky called it. Seeing Y/N all done up and dressed up stole all his thoughts. She looked stunning. But then she always did. So that really wasn’t anything new.

She was wearing a simple, form fitting, blush pencil skirt and a flowy white, off the shoulder floral top, with nude strappy heels. It wasn’t anything too fancy, but it suited her well. He was so lost in his thoughts that he barely registered her talking, until he noticed the concerned expression on her face.

“Stevie, you okay?” She whispers.

He shakes his head, to clear his mind then quickly speaks up, “ah, yeah. Yeah. I’m good,” he smiles, then leans forward slightly to whisper, “you look stunning, by the way.”

“Aw shucks, this old thing?” She gestures to herself and laughs, the sound makes his heart flutter. “But thank you. You look very handsome as well,” then she winks at him.

“Thanks,” he says through a chuckle then waits for her to get all settled in, once she was he speaks up again. “So, how did the dress try on go?”

This peaks Sams interest, who had just sat down after going around the table to say his hellos, “yeah, did you girls finally say yes to the dress—” he pauses and scrunches up his nose as he adds, “—es.”

Y/N laughs again and shakes her head, “yeah we did, and it went really well, the bridesmaids dresses are lovely but Nat’s gown is fucking stunning. Just wait till you see it.”

“Yes!” Wanda agrees in a squeal, “it’s absolutely breathtaking, you guys. Fits her like a damn glove too.”

Steve and Sam nod but before either could respond the waitress appears and takes everyones drink orders, causing Steve to realize he still hasn’t figured out what he wants to eat. So he focuses on his menu for a few minutes, adding into the conversations around him here and there.

Luckily when the waitress returns with everyone’s drinks, the whole gang has decided on what they want and all place their orders. Promptly picking up their conversations once the waitress has left again.

“I can only imagine how beautiful it is,” he says then raises his voice a little louder on the next part, so as to direct his comment more to the woman sitting two seats over, “Nat has always had amazing taste.”

“Except in men, it would appear,” Y/N adds quickly with a shit eating grin, looking directly at Bucky. Who matches her expression and adds, “and best friends, clearly,” he scoffs.

“You two are ridiculous,” Sam laughs and shakes his head.

“Oh please,” Wanda scoffs and points at Sam, “pot calling kettle black.”

And then Sam has the audacity to look offended by her words, but then bursts out laughing and nods, “alright, you got me there.”

“And this is exactly why we keep you around, Steve,” Nat pipes up as she leans forward and winks at him, ignoring the others comments but shooting them all a pointed glare. Causing everyone to chuckle as Bucky shakes his head.

“We?” Bucky jokingly scuffs, “don’t lump me into that, I’d have gotten rid of him years ago.” He turns to pat Steve on the back, smirk in place on his lips, “if the guy wasn’t so damn loveable,” he coos.

“I second that,” Sam says with a toothy grin.

“I third that!” They all hear Clint yell from the other end of the table, causing them all to look towards him.

“Hey!” Bucky points at him and jokingly glares, “butt out! You chose not to sit with us, now own your choice.”

Clint just points to James Jr. and shrugs, “he’s nicer to me then you are, so easy choice.”

“Probably because he feels bad for you,” Bucky laughs then cooes at James Jr, “isn’t that right J-Man, you just being nice to him? You like Uncle Bucky more, don’t cha? Yes. Yes, you do!” The silly voice causes James to smile widely around the fingers currently crammed in his mouth. And then Bucky grins widely in triumph, “See Clint, he likes me more.”

“Only because you have the same IQ. Birds of a feather, and all that,” Clint deadpans as he waves his hand around dismissively. But then he bursts out laughing at Bucky’s—real, this time—glare.

“Friends off! For real this time!” Bucky says then turns, effectively ignoring Clint’s reply and whispers so he won’t hear, “who even invited that guy?”

“You did,” Nat supplies, dryly.

Bucky pretends to ponder her words for a second, “oh right. Why did I invite him again?”

Then a sing song voice comes from behind Bucky, causing him to startle slightly, “because you love me.”

Steve turns just in time to see Clint lunge and awkwardly hug Bucky from behind, “I don’t like when we fight, baby.”

Everyone laughs as Bucky attempts to extricate himself from the hug, but to no avail. Clint is like a damn hawk, once his sets his sights on you, or his hands around you, there is no escaping him. You just have to suck it up and wait for it to be over.

“You know he won’t let go until you take it back,” Y/N says from across the table.

“Two words. Hawk Eye,” Wanda adds with a laugh.

“He sees all, and once he has you locked in his sights there is no escaping him,” Sam adds with a playful cringe.

“Or did you forget why we gave him that nickname in elementary school?” Nat questions.

Bucky tries for a few more seconds then sighs deeply, clearly admitting defeat and pats Clint’s arm as he mumbles, “fine, fine. Friends back on.”

“Oh thank god,” Clint sighs out then finally releases Bucky and pulls up a chair to the corner of the table so he can join in on the conversations for a bit.

Bucky rubs his neck as if it hurts, “that was less of a hug and more of a headlock.”

“You won’t get any sympathy from us. You brought that on yourself,” Steve chuckles.

The food finally arrives and Clint ventures back down to his spot. The conversations continue on while everyone eats, and then just as everyone is finishing up and the wait staff are clearing the table, a waitress comes in with 4 bouquets of red roses. Then she hands them to Bucky who takes them and turns, giving the bigger one to Nat, “these are for you. Figured it’d be more fun to have something to hold for the rehearsal.”

Nat’s face lights up as she takes it then leans forward to kiss Bucky, “awe, that was so sweet of you.” Then she brings the flowers up to her nose so she can smell them, “thank you, handsome. I love them.”

He then hands one each to Y/N and Wanda, “same for you two.” Both women thank him and then he gives the last one across the table to Thor, so he can pass it to Hilde. Who glances up at Bucky after receiving them and lips a ‘thank you,’ before smelling them.

Then everyone collects up their belongings and heads back out to their respective vehicles.

But hust as Steve is about to unlock his truck a voice stops him. “Mind if I join you?” He glances towards the voice and sees Y/N standing there, holding her bouquet. “I came with Hilde and Thor, but with Vis and Wanda in the car, it’s pretty cramped,” she laughs.

Steve smiles, “of course, no excuse needed.” He unlocks the truck then opens the door for her, offering his hand to help her up. Once she is in he closes the door and walks around, climbing into the driver's seat. Neither one says anything for the first few minutes. But the silence isn’t awkward, exactly, though there is a tension in the air. Like they both want to say something, anything, but just can’t seem to figure out exactly what to say.

And then Y/N takes the plunge, letting out a sigh, “God, this brings back so many memories.”

He glances at her, and sees that she is looking at him with a fond smile on her face. “Us together in the car?” He asks as he turns back to look at the road.

“Yeah,” she says and he sees her nod in the corner of his eye. “I feel like anytime we had to go anywhere, I was always your copilot.”

He smiles at the memories that are now running through his mind as well, “that you were,” he affirms.

“But I was never the pilot, because you refused to ever let me drive us anywhere,” she scuffs, but the giant grin on her face proves she is joking around.

Steve chuckles, “yup. Because you were a horrible driver.”

“‘Were’?” She smirks, “not ‘are’?”

“I mean, you did run a blatantly obvious stop sign while you were, and I quote,” he glances at her again and makes air quotes, “‘reading and driving’.” He shakes his head, and turns back to the road, “but I haven’t received any calls about pedestrians almost being hit, so I’m guessing you’re a little better at driving now.”

She gapes at him for a second then bursts out laughing, “that was such a low blow, Steven. You’re lucky you’re cute, as I wouldn’t put up with your shit if you weren’t.”

“Then thank God I am,” he gives her a cheeky smile to which she returns. And then a silence falls over them again. He sees her, out of the corner of his eye, bring the roses up to her nose to sniff them. And it causes a dormant memory to scream for attention in his mind, and before he knows it, the memory is playing out in his head…

February 2011 - 7 years ago.

“Happy Valentines Day, Stevie.”

He turns from his locker to see Y/N standing there with her hands behind her back and a giant grin plastered on her beautiful face. Which, in turn, causes a massive smile to form on his. “Happy Valentines Day, Y/N,” he says as he attempts to peer behind her, wondering what she is hiding.

She laughs then reveals a teddy bear stuffy holding a red heart that says ‘I liked you before you were cool’. She shrugs and holds it out to him, “now see, you aren’t exactly cool yet, but one day, when you are, this bear will be sooo valid.”

Steve just looks between the bear and Y/N for a couple seconds then bursts out laughing as he takes the offered stuffy. “First off, mean. I am totally cool—“

She cuts him off to point out, “if you have to say that, then you aren’t.” She shakes her head and is clearly trying her best not to burst out laughing, “but continue.”

He narrows his eyes at her, “we’ll come back to that,” he promises. To which she just smirks and motions for him to keep going, so he does, “And secondly—but don’t let this go to your head too much. This is by far the greatest thing anyone has ever given me.” He wraps an arm around her shoulders and pulls her in for a hug, murmuring, “thank you, I love it,” into her hair then kissing the top of her head.

“You’re welcome. I’m glad you like it,” she murmurs back into his chest.

After a moment he reluctantly releases her from the hug and takes a step back, awkwardly scratching the back of his neck. “I uh,” he pauses, he had gotten her something but he didn’t want her to know about it. Nor was he sure he’d tell her they were from him, even if she did currently have them, “don’t have anything to give you in return.” Which wasn’t a lie. Technically.

She waves him off, “s’okay, Stevie. You don’t have to get me anything, I just saw that bear and thought of you,” she shrugs.

“Because I’m cool,” he notes with a smirk.

She rolls her eyes, and pats his arm, sympathetically, “keep telling yourself that, big guy.”

Before he can respond someone calls her name and they both look to see Hilde, Wanda and Nat motioning for her to join them. They smile and wave at Steve, and he waves back.

“I have to go help hand out the roses,” she says and he looks back towards her, “But I’ll see you later, and Happy Valentines Day.” She pauses, then chuckles, “again.”

“Okay, have fun. And Happy Valentines Day, Y/N.” He pauses for effect, “again.”

They share a quick hug and then Y/N runs off. He doesn’t see much of her for the rest of the day, as she was busy handing out all the roses. Each year for Valentines Day some of the grade twelve grad students, all by volunteer, organize some sort of festivities for the romantic holiday.

This year they had chosen to do a rose sale, meaning that for the last two weeks students could purchase roses for whomever they so choose—either anonymously or not—and they’d be delivered to that student on Valentines Day. Being today.

So Steve had secretly approached Nat on the first day of sales and ordered 17 roses to be sent to Y/N. One for each month he had known her. It was cheesy as hell. Yeah, he knows. And not just because Nat had fake gagged when he told her. But because he was always a cheese ball when it came to Y/N, and honestly, he could care less. He was proud of his cheese ball status. Long live the cheese balls! …Or ...maybe not… fear had ripped through him the second Nat went to write his name on the card and he quickly stopped her, adamantly refusing to sign his name. And telling her to mark them from ‘anonymous’.

Which she was not too pleased about, as she had attempted to talk him into being honest with Y/N this year. Saying that maybe this would be the opening he needed to finally tell her how he felt, but in true Classic Steve form, he said, “now’s not really a good time.” Nat went to rebuke his decision but the school bell rang before she could, and he quickly said his goodbye and walked off. Taking up the literal ‘saved by the bell’ moment, and not wanting to open that can of worms with Nat, again.

So throughout the day, he’d caught small glimpses of her, here and there. Like when her and Hilde had come into his homeroom to hand out the roses to the different students. 13 of which ended up on his desk, some labelled with random girls names, and some anonymously sent. Y/N had made a, “okay, so maybe you’re a little cool,” joke when she gave them all the him. Causing them both to chuckle quietly before she finished handing out the roses and left to the next class.

Then he’d ran into her again in the hall, they’d only shared a few hurried words before she had to continue on. She’d mentioned something about an entire class being forgotten. So as she tore off down the hall she hollered a, “I hope your Valentine’s Day is going better then mine!” over her shoulder.

And his day may have been quieter than hers, that’s for sure, but it wasn’t going any better. He missed spending his free time with her, she hadn’t even met up with them for lunch. But then neither did Hilde, Wanda or Nat.

So it was just the boys all day. Which wasn’t a bad thing, he’d just gotten so used to her being a prominent fixture in his days, but today of all days, that was not the case. He was being a baby, he knows, but he just missed her. A lot.

Then about an hour before the school day was up, he ran into her again. She looked utterly exhausted and completely done with the day.

“Rough day, huh?” He asked as he fell into step with her in the hall.

“That’s an understatement,” she sighed and looked up at him, “I dunno how things got so messed up. Everything was in order when we did our final checks yesterday, but then we come in this morning and it was like someone had gone through and changed a bunch of stuff.” She shook her head, “but that’s silly, who would want to mess up Valentine’s Day for everyone else?” She asked but he knew she wasn’t looking for an answer, she was just thinking out loud. So he just shrugged in response.

There was a question burning in his mind, but he wasn’t sure how to broach the topic. So he opted to just ask, “so, did you get any roses today?”

She glanced up at him, and smiled, but he could tell it was forced. “No, but that’s okay,” she waved it off, “I figured I wouldn’t get any,” she shrugged, as if it was no big deal.

But it was a big deal, he had bought her roses, 17 to be exact, and she hadn’t received them. So someone did, in fact, fuck with their lists.

Now he was pissed but he held it down and pulled out his phone, making sure Y/N couldn’t see as he quickly fired off a text to Nat, then tucked his phone away. Where the hell had the roses he’d bought for her gone? “I’m sorry, Y/N. Maybe there was just a mix up?”

She shook her head, “no, we found all the mix ups. And everyone else in my class got theirs, so,” she shrugged one shoulder. “But seriously it’s okay. I didn’t expect to get any, as I’m not exactly popular in the guys department,” she tried to laugh it off, though it sounded bitter and sad. Which broke his heart, he was about to reply when his phone buzzed and he pulled it out to see a reply from Nat.

“Trust me, that’s a good thing. All the guys in this school are assholes,” he mumbled and rubbed the back of his neck. “But how about I take you out to dinner tonight, just the two of us?” He paused, then added, “ya know, as a thank you for all your hard work today.”

She sighed, “s’okay, Steve, you don’t have to do that. I’m sure you have better things to do on a Valentines Day evening then hang with your best friend.” But oh how wrong she was, that was actually exactly what he wanted the most. And she was the exact person he wanted that with. He went to protest but she continued on, “plus, Hilda, Wanda and I are having a single ladies night, so you won’t need to drive me home today, as Hilde is gonna take me. And she’s gonna drive me to school in the morning as well.” She looked up at him, “But I have to get to my last class, so I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Uh, okay. Yeah,” he nodded, even more bummed out now. “Yeah, I’ll ah, I’ll see you tomorrow. Have fun with the girls, and happy Valentine’s Day, Y/N,” he pulled her in for a hug that ended far too quickly.

“Thanks, Stevie, happy Valentine’s Day.” Then she walked off in the direction of her next class. He watched as she disappeared around a corner then instantly her was pissed again. He headed for the front doors, going to meet Nat in the student parking lot.

Once he got there he saw her standing by his jeep, papers in her hands. “What happened, Nat?”

She sighed, “I have no idea. The lists were all correct and then half way through the day, when I was going to deliver the roses to Y/N’s class with Stephanie, Y/N wasn’t on the list anymore. I have no idea what happened, all the roses were sold so I couldn’t even make up a new order for her as we didn’t have any roses left.” She glanced down at the papers, “I have searched through all the lists, everything, and I can’t find any mention of her roses anywhere. And the original list that I wrote the order on is just gone, replaced by a new list that doesn’t have Y/N on it. I don’t get it!” She huffed.

“So what do we do now?”

“Well, I can reimburse you, as now our cash box will be over by the amount of your order. Since it appears the 17 roses were sold a second time to other students.” She sighed, “I’m so sorry, Steve. I don’t know how this happened.”

Something about all this just wasn’t sitting right with him, “can I see the new list? The one missing Y/N’s name.”

She nodded and shuffled through the papers to find it then handed it to him. He glanced over it and it all clicked, instantly. “I should have known she’d be behind this,” he seethed.

“What? Who?” Nat asked as she reached to take the page back from him.

“Fucking Madi,” he growled as he pointed to the page, every order was written in the same handwriting, “that’s her handwriting.” He’d recognize it anywhere.

Nat stared at the page for a moment, before whispering, “how did I miss that! that fucking bitch.” She looked up at Steve, “how dare she! And how could I have not clued in that she’d be behind this!” She shook her head, “fuck, Steve, I’m so sorry.”

And he shook his head back, “not your fault, Nat. I don’t blame you at all, I blame her. What the fuck is wrong with her?” He scrubbed a hand down his face.

“Do we confront her about this?” Nat asked.

“No point now, she will just play innocent and say it was a mistake, or something. Like she just missed it when she transferred the list,” he sighed.

“Damnit,” Nat sighed as well, then whispered, “I really fucking dislike her.”

“Yeah. Join the club.”

They chatted a little longer, then Nat reimbursed him the money from the order and they both headed off to class.

This whole day had been basically shit, from start to finish. And he knew it wasn’t going to get any better, since he was well aware he wouldn’t get to see Y/N again for the rest of it.

So that evening he went to 4 different flower shops around town, the first 3 being entirely sold out of roses. Then he went to the 4th shop, and they had a couple left, so he bought them, and a vase. He removed all the cards from the ones he’d received at school and put them in the vase with the few he bought. Totalling 17 roses all together.

He then went to her house later that night, knowing she would be at Hilde’s for the night, and climbed up into her room. Which was tricky as hell with the vase. Once he finally got in, he put the roses on her desk and pulled out a water bottle, he added water to the vase then snuck back out and went home.

It wasn’t till the next evening that she finally got home and saw them, and he only knew that because she texted him a thank you.

The morning after that, when he picked her up for school, she gave him a huge hug and a playful swat on the arm, saying, “that was really sweet, but you didn’t have to do that for me, Steve!”

He just shrugged and replied, “you deserved it.”

Though she’d never actually learn the truth behind those words, or the story of the original 17 roses that went missing thanks to another girls petty jealousy.

Present - July 2018.

They arrived at the chapel, along with the whole gang, and everyone headed inside. They go over everything with the priest and then they did a few dry runs of the wedding walk. Nat wanting to make sure everyone knew how fast to walk and where to stand.

Once the rehearsals were all finished everyone said their goodbyes then piled back into their cars. Steve ended up offering to drive Y/N home and they chatted the whole way there. And once they got to her house they just sat there in his truck for an hour, catching up and laughing, before she yawned and he decided it was time for him to leave.

They shared a quick hug and then she headed inside. And as he drove away he got an idea, and vowed to go to the flower shop one of these days. As It had been far too long since he’d bought her flowers, and he had 7 years of missed Valentines Days to make up for.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

@hopefulmoonobject @caps-lockdown @itsstillnotwhatyouthink @tessvillegas @boxofteenageideas @wangdeasang @giggleberts @casuallydarktiger @theonelittleone @agentbadbitch @ratwrites @starrystellars @bandsandanimefreak @rockyroadthepastryarchy @lovvliies @cuffski @icesoccerer @alwaysright4 @lilsthethrills @imdiegohargreeves @zombiepotterfour @mu-mu-rs @ledandan1244 @straightforwardly @badassbeckettswan @denzmallows @xremember-me-notx @gwynethjodie @lollipopdomination @capstopavenger @jemimah-b99 @rcvenqers @justkending @marvel13princess

[devinsfm]

joe keery. cis male. he/him.  ／  jack devin just pulled up blasting video killed the radio star by the buggles — that song is so them ! you know, for a twenty - four year old radio show host, i’ve heard they’re really impulsive, but that they make up for it by being so captivating. if i had to choose three things to describe them, i’d probably say obscure vintage horror comics, blurry photographs of mysterious figures in the woods, and vivid descriptions of spine - chilling tales  . here’s to hoping they don’t cause too much trouble ! ( sam, 23, est, she/her )

hey there, demons ! *ba tum tss* i’m sam and i never do this, but i really felt like it was time for a change, so i drew lots of inspiration from some of my favorite ocs and i love what i’ve come up with ! character info is under the cut and please feel free to message me if you would like to plot !

i. stats

𝔣𝔲𝔩𝔩 𝔫𝔞𝔪𝔢: jackson willard devin

𝔭𝔯𝔢𝔣𝔢𝔯𝔯𝔢𝔡 𝔫𝔞𝔪𝔢𝔰: jack, spooky guy, the night watchman 

𝔥𝔬𝔪𝔢𝔱𝔬𝔴𝔫: salem, massachusetts

𝔡𝔞𝔱𝔢 𝔬𝔣 𝔟𝔦𝔯𝔱𝔥: ocotber 31st, 1995

𝔷𝔬𝔡𝔦𝔞𝔠: scorpio

𝔬𝔯𝔦𝔢𝔫𝔱𝔞𝔱𝔦𝔬𝔫: demisexual

𝔬𝔠𝔠𝔲𝔭𝔞𝔱𝔦𝔬𝔫: host of the graveyard shift, a radio program airing every weeknight from 12am to 5am

𝔭𝔬𝔰. 𝔱𝔯𝔞𝔦𝔱𝔰: captivating, witty, resolute. 

𝔫𝔢𝔤. 𝔱𝔯𝔞𝔦𝔱𝔰: impulsive, gauche, naive.

ii. history

jackson willard “jack” devin was born on halloween day ( yes, really ) in salem massachusetts ( yes, really ). his mother stayed home with him as he was growing up while his father is a boston cop turned sheriff of the county and he’s an only child.

outside of the popular tourist spots, his hometown has a very close - knit, stuck in the 80s vibe. it’s the sort of place where everyone knows everyone for their entire lives because no one ever leaves and no one new ever moves in. phone and internet signals are nearly impossible to come by, so the local arcade and the video store still have quite a booming business in the year 2020. jack grew up in a not - so - typical small town suburban gothic environment, his dad’s income being just enough for them to get by every month.

he was an energetic kid who cycled through all sorts of interests, trying out everything from little league ( disaster ) to music lessons ( not as much of a disaster, but he wound up getting bored of it ). nothing seemed to really stick until he got his first horror comic : a vintage issue of tales from the crypt with tattered, yellowing pages. he was five years old and paid five cents for it at an elderly neighbor’s yard sale and from that moment on he was hooked. it started with the comics, but he quickly expanded his horizons to movies, books, and television in the genre of horror.

he got intro drawing and that was the only thing besides his newfound interest in horror that he could sit still for. at first he would just try to re - draw the panels in his comic books, but soon he was drawing anything and everything that caught his interest and he was getting good. he was being homeschooled by his mother at the time, but once friends and family and, well, everyone took notice of his skill, they were encouraging his parents to nurture his talent.

his parents fought about it. his dad didn’t see the value in his skill and wanted him to instead focus on academics, aspiring towards his son one day becoming a lawyer or a businessman or even following in his footsteps. jack never wanted that for himself. he was homeschooled by his mom up until then and she believed in him. it was with her blessing that he would go to a real school for the first time at the age of fourteen, starting off his freshman year at a high school that was a thirty minute train ride away in boston and catered exclusively to youth who demonstrated an exceptional talent in some area of the fine arts.

jack did well in school, but his grades probably would have been a lot better still if he didn’t start purposely acting out as his relationship with his dad got worse and worse. he started skipping classes, getting caught trespassing in cemeteries at 2am, and smoking a lot of weed. 

when it came time for college, jack planned to attend art school. he swears he did. he looked a few schools on the west coast to get away from his dad for a few years yikes and planned to apply, but on the deadline date he got so high that he forgot to submit his portfolios. yes, really.

he loaded up his van ( a turquiose monstrosity he painted to look like the mystery machine ) and headed out to california anyway after telling his parents that he would be attending UCLA. of course, they quickly found it that it was a lie and his dad was furious. the two got into a huge fight over the phone and things were said. the result is that jack and his father haven’t spoken to each other ever since. 

he did lots of odd jobs while he was on the road and basically lived in his van, which didn’t change right away when he decided to settle in LA, but he eventually got a job fetching coffee for the late night employees at a local radio station.

it was the typical, cliché story : the regular late night host called out of work at the last minute, there was no one else around and they were going to be on air in ten seconds. jack was thrown in front of the microphone and told to think fast !

he did, and the listeners loved him for it. whether it was his ramblings about horror movies or his thick boston accent or his reckless use of swear words on live radio, he turned out to be a massive hit. the successful night earned him a gig as an occasional substitute deejay, and with each broadcast he grew more and more popular, and about two years ago he was finally given his own program.

the graveyard shift is a radio program that airs every weeknight from 12am - 5am in the los angeles area and on apps such as iheartradio. jack hosts the show as his ( thinly veiled ) alter ego the night watchmen and discusses topics such as the paranormal, conspiracy theories, and all things horror. it’s one of the most popular programs of the time slot in the country.

it’s something that he never expected or picturing himself doing, but now he can’t imagine doing anything else. he’s become really passionate about revitalizing the field and bringing radio into the 21st century. he signed a HUGE contract with the studio when his show first started and now he’s a quite well known radio personality in the area and across the country.

iii. extras

huge stoner. high as fuck 90% of the time, and the other 10% of the time he’s probably still high, just not as fuck. 

well known for his on air antics. he’ll light a joint in the middle of his radio show, he’ll prank call a friend and broadcast it to the entire city, he’ll curse in every single sentence and skate by on the after hours excuse when he’s reprimanded for it. he’s so outlandish and bizarre and like nothing that’s ever been heard on the radio before, and it just draws people in.

he often seems shy in person, but it’s more like he’s just a little socially awkward, something which also shines through in occasional non - malicious but blunt remarks and general lack of regard for what people think of him. he really just...doesn’t care.

genuinely seems to believe it’s either halloween day and / or the year 1986 at any given moment as that’s about as recent as his pop culture references get. he’s never heard of the k*rdashians, he doesn’t know what the mcu is, and the phrase yeet means absolutely nothing to him. mention any of it to him and he’ll just stare blankly bc he honestly doesn’t have a clue.

HOWEVER, he did start the area 51 meme from last summer.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

still draws. especially if he has to still for a stretch of time, then he’ll take out his latest sketchbook ( he goes through a lot of them ) and start doodling. he’s still quite good, mostly in his favored comic - esque style.

BIG CHAOTIC ENERGY and ZERO IMPULSE CONTROL

a chatterbox with friends but don’t be fooled...he’s been giving his own dad the silent treatment for almost seven ( 7 ) years now. it’s his preferred method of expressing anger towards someone because he isn’t really a fan of confrontation, but he’s maybe a liiiittle bit stubborn.

most of the time he’s a really easygoing person, a good friend and very loyal to the people he cares about. well - meaning, not the best at advice but he’s more likely to try and cheer a person up anyway. 

he has a pet pied ball python named the crypt keeper ( tkc for short ) who he sometimes just carries with him because he likes to just chill wrapped around jack’s hand and arm. 

iv. wanted connections

maternal or paternal cousins ( their grandparents probably live in boston or new england but otherwise anything goes for this )

close friends

friends

guests on his radio show 

fans / haters of his radio show

people who don’t like him / find him annoying

exes ( 1 - 2, can be on good or bad terms )

“casually dating” but it might get real complicated soon - allie james

( these are just ideas and i’m trash at coming up with stuff, so please don’t feel limited by what’s listed here. )

[james-stark-the-writer-wips]

A Year At The Opera - Excerpt

Chapter 11, Part 2: Svetlana

WC: 2900 words. It’s not perfect but it’s here. I hope you like it :)

*

Svetlana

Going back like four days, back to the first day of school, we’re going to catch up on what’s been happening with her. So, Waverly, Sean and the rest had called her for a thing at the park, right? Well, she went home after school, asked her mom if she could go. Anya said yes but only if Svetlana would help her unpack tomorrow and after that, Svetlana drove out to the park. And that’s where we pick up.

Embrace Park was mostly filled with kids at this point, it being the middle of the afternoon and all, but Svetlana found the group standing by the large tree towards the other end of the park.

“You came!” Waverly said, walking up to Svetlana.

“I said I would.” Svetlana said, lightly hugging her. 

“Come on, everyone's waiting.” Waverly grabbed Svetlana's hand dragging her along to the others.

“Hello there.” Sam said, expecting a ‘General Kenobi’ back. His face immediately fell when she didn’t reply back.

“Hey.” Svetlana said. “Alicia isn't here?”

“General Kenobi.” Waverly said to Sam, giving him a quick peck on the nose and making him turn his face to hide the fact that he was blushing.

“No, she and Leo couldn't make it.” Britney chimed in. “She's got a date with her girlfriend who lives over in the next town. Leo never comes out anywhere.”

“Cool.” Svetlana said. “So, like, what do you guys actually do around here?”

“Mostly we just hang out.” Sean said. “Talk about shit like what our days have been like, what's been going on at home or whatever shit we've got going. Think of this as casual group therapy.”

“Isn't group therapy already casual?” She retorted.

Sean chuckled. “Fair enough.”

“So… what do we do now?”

“I guess we talk. Let's get to know each other.” Sean said. 

“Sounds good to me.” Svetlana said. 

The group spent the next few hours talking and complaining about their life and whatever they had going on. They talked about a lot of things I'm not going to go over because they'd literally take hours so I'm just going to cover the highlights. 

First. Britney filled in Svetlana about what happened to Waverly. Turns out, about three years ago, she’d gone on a trip where she’d decided to go swimming in the ocean and almost drowned. Since then, she’d been careful around talk of death and scared to go swimming. It had forced the group to adapt to some colorful expressions to talk about death around Waverly.

After that, the rest of them continued to talk about the mundanities of day to day life. Sam talked about his mom being a bitch, Britney complained about the lack of good looking guys and everyone rolled their eyes, basically telling Svetlana they’d been hearing the same thing for a long while and Waverly complained about her dad not liking Sam. They walked around the park as they talked. And finally, as the sun began to descend, Sean talked about a problem with his mom’s finances.

“She’s just been secretive, you know?” Sean said, “Like she’s trying to keep it from me, like she thinks she can hide it from me.”

“She probably just doesn’t want you to worry.” Sam said.

“Yeah well, it’s not fucking working. I took a peek at the bills yesterday. We might get kicked out, man.”

“You really think they’d evict you?” Waverly asked.

“If we can’t pay the bills, I doubt they have any other choice.”

“What about your dad?” Svetlana asked.

Everyone in the group stared at her awkwardly. Waverly inhaled sharply.

“Well, he left when I was five… so, he’s really not gonna be much help.” Sean said almost cheerily.

Svetlana got quiet. “I’m sorry.” She whispered.

“It’s fine.” Sean said, “It was a long time ago and there was no way you could’ve known.”

“So,” Brtiney stepped in to change the mood. “You’ve heard about our depressing problems, it’s only fair we get to hear yours.”

“Oh I don’t really have problems.” Svetlana brushed it off.

“That literally can’t be true. Everyone has problems.” Sam said.

“No, I swear. Home life is actually pretty good. And so far, so is the rest of everything.”

“You like the town so far?” Sean asked.

“Yep.” Svetlana nodded.

“Okay, so, if you don’t have problems right now, give us your tortured backstory.” Britney placed a firm hand on Svetlana’s shoulder.

“There’s not much to tell.” Svetlana began.

“So, you were born in Russia?” Sam asked inquisitively.

“Not really. Because my grandfather had married an American woman, my parents had come to live with them during the tail end of my birth so I was technically a United States citizen before my parents because I was born here. But, after I was born, my parents left with my grandparents for a year or so before they came back to get me. I spent about six years with them before they also migrated here. But they still have family there so they visit often and I go with them.”

“Cool!” Britney said.

“Not as much as you think.” Svetlana continued. “After we moved here permanently, we lived with my grandparents for a while but they died so we had to move away when I was about ten or eleven. My grandma’s parents really didn’t like us because they’re raging bigtots who think every russian is a communist and didn’t want us staying at the house so we moved to Philly for a bit then my dad got a good job working as a manager and we stayed there for a while and then my dad got a better offer and now we’re here.”

“That’s rough.” Sean said. “But I’m glad it worked itself out.”

“Hey, Sammy, what’s the time?” Britney asked.

“Uh, 6:05.” Sam replied.

“Shit! I have to go or my mom is going to strangle me. Bye!”

“Bye!” Waverly said as Britney ran off into the distance towards her car. 

“We should get going too. It’s getting a bit late.” Sam said turning to Waverly.

“Yeah, we’ll see you both tomorrow then.” She gave Sean a cheeky smile, grabbed Sam’s hand and started to walk away.

“So…” Sean hooked his fingers in his pockets as he and Svetlana continued to walk.

“So…” She bit her lip.

Sean stopped and took in a sharp breath. “Hey, I know this is kinda forward but like, do you wanna go on a date with me?” Sean asked.

Svetlana didn’t know how to respond.

Sean must have noticed her distress because he immediately added, “You don’t have to answer immediately, obviously.” He ran a hand through his hair. “I know it’s weird considering we just met today but its just that…” He let out a sigh. “I’d like to take you out on a proper date and give this a shot before we have to file for bankruptcy.” He laughed to himself.

“Sure, why not?” Svetlana said. This could be fun. If nothing else, she could get a tour around town and the proposition of free food was always fun.

“Cool. How’s friday sound?” He smiled. “I could even give you a proper tour of the town, then.”

“It sounds awesome.” Svetlana said. “But I’m paying. For any services rendered.”

“Any services rendered? Whoo, there. That might cost you.” Sean said sarcastically. “But, jokes aside, if you want to, it’s your prerogative.”

“That’s a big word!” She joked. “What, did you pick up a dictionary today?”

“Ouch.” Sean said. “Word of the day app.”

Svetlana smiled, looking away.

“Here, give me your phone.” Sean said taking out his phone and handing it to Svetlana. She gave him hers. They quickly exchanged numbers and wishing her a quick goodbye, Sean walked away with a large smile stuck on his face.

Svetlana checked the time. It was already close to 6:30 and it was starting to get dark. Time to get home.

-

Svetlana reached home a little later. As the car pulled up to the driveway, the tires slowly dragging along the pathway, she spotted the silhouettes of her parents approaching the door from the living room window. Oh no, the curtains are pulled. The curtains were never pulled in the Petrova household. Not unless there was an emergency.

Fuck. She thought as she opened the car door and got out. Quickly locking it, Svetlana hurried to the door.

“Gde ty byla?” The door opened before Svetlana could get her hands on it and the large, imposing, absolute unit of a figure of Anatoly Petrova stood before her.

“It’s only seven, papa.” Svetlana protested.

“Seven in a new city, dochinka!” The slight russian accent in his voice was in a weird middle ground to Svetlana’s non-existent and Anya’s moderately-heavy russian accent. The accent had certainly faded over the years, and his five years of study here had helped as well but you could still here hints of it on occasion when he was angry or stressed. Perhaps it was an internal instinct to stick with what you knew.

“Can I come in? It’s freezing out here.” She rubbed her arms and Anatoly let out a protesting grumble but moved aside to let her in.

“Where were you?” Anatoly asked again.

“I made friends.” She replied, walking into the living room. “They invited me to hang with them at the park.” 

“You could’ve called, Sveta!”

She looked over her shoulder just enough to see Anatoly in her periphery as she removed her phone from her low cut jeans and threw it on the couch. “I lost track of time. It won’t happen again.” She stated calmly. Fortunately, Anatoly was prone to freaking out about little things so Svetlana wasn’t worried much.

Anatoly walked in front of her to talk to her but before he could get another word out, Anya’s voice came from behind Svetlana. “We’ve been worried sick!” Anya’s tone was sharp and accusatory.

Svetlana turned to face her. Anatoly rolled his eyes. Anya continued, “Especially after what happened at your father’s job today and right on the first day too. This isn’t a good sign, devushka.”

“Whoa whoa. Stop.” Svetlana’s expression grew serious. “What happened at papa’s job?”

“You didn’t hear?” Anya asked innocently.

“It’s a little accident, don’t worry about it.” Anatoly said. “These things happen.” Unfortunately, Anatoly was also prone to making small things of big issues.

“What happened?” Svetlana asked again.

“A little accident? People are dead, Anatoly.” Anya spat.

“Whoa!” Svetlana stopped Anya. “Can you both just tell me what happened?”

“It is a massive radioaktivnoye leak.” Anya said. “Your father’s been cleaning up the mess all day.”

Svetlana turned to Anatoly. “God, are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” He reassured her. “I’ve just been trying to contain the situation all day. Thankfully the media haven’t caught wind of it yet.”

“But are you okay?”

“Yes, yes. The leak was taken care of quickly and the radiation was contained quickly. Somehow one of the tanks sprung a leak and flowed out but it didn’t do much damage to any important equipment. Ended up killing eight people though.”

Svetlana had to do a double take to even process how casually Anatoly said that.

“I’m tired. I’m going to bed. Have to get to work early tomorrow.” Anatoly said before turning to Svetlana and letting out a quick yawn. “And if you’re gonna be late, call before.”

“Yeah.” Svetlana nodded.

Anatoly climbed the stairs and made his way to his room.

“Come on, let’s get you something to eat.” Anya placed a warm hand on Svetlana’s back and guided her to the kitchen.

-

The next few days passed in relative silence. With the school closed for a while and not much to do, Svetlana spent the days helping Anya unpack and binging shows and movies and Youtube video essays about those shows and movies. But, time flew by and it was officially friday. The big date was here.

And, right on time, the bike arrived out Svetlana’s house.

“Mama, I’m leaving!” Svetlana shouted grabbed her jacket and reaching for the door. 

“Don’t be too late!” Anya shouted back.

“I’ll call if I’m gonna be late.” Svetlana said before exiting the house. 

Sean turned the key in the bike and shook his head to straighten his hair that had been tousled up by the wind.

Svetlana quickly jogged up to him.

“Ready?” He asked.

“As I’ll ever be.” She quickly answered.

She was certainly excited to be going on this little date but more than that she was really excited to be on that bike. It looked like a beauty, the sun glimmering off it’s glossy paint. The seat wasn’t too low which was comfortable for Svetlana’s tall 5’7 figure.

“Get on then.” Sean smirked.

“Where are we going?”

“I guess you’ll find out soon enough.” Sean said. “Grab on tight, we’re going fast.”

A smile crept on his face as Svetlana got on and put her hands on his shoulders.

“Here we go.” The bike sped off into the sunset.

-

As the sun flared behind them in the distance, Svetlana and Sean arrived at their destination about ten minutes later. 

“So,” Sean said, parking the bike. “Welcome to Chester’s: the supreme hangout spot for literally everyone and the best milkshakes in the state with pancakes to rival Rose’s, over in Tenebris.” His tone resembled an overenthusiastic advertisement.

“Well, I guess we’ll see, won’t we?” Svetana said quickly running a hand through her hair to straighten the rebellious blond strands that had flown everywhere as they flew through city traffic at high speed.

“Let’s head in then. You will never have milkshakes like this anywhere.” Sean said, stuffing the keys in his pocket.

“Thats’s going to be a hard challenge, I’ve had milkshakes at Vinny’s.” Vinny’s, as you probably know, is regarded to have some of the best milkshakes in the world.

“Well, I’m sure they can’t compare as far as taste.” Sean walked towards the door and opened it, letting Svetlana go in first.

“Ah, a gentleman, I see.” Svetlana joked.

“Perfect behavior.” Sean replied perfectly seriously, walking in with her.

“How delectable.” Svetlana muttered under her breath.

The sound of the bell above the door subsided as Sean turned to Svetlana. “So, where do you wanna sit?”

“Well, you’re the expert, where’s the best seats in the house?”

“That would be the far left booth but unfortunately, it seems to be taken.” Sean pointed at the booth.

Svetlana saw Mason sitting with Ingram, instantly identified with his fiery red hair, while the ‘Manic Pixies’ as Britney had called them, stood talking to the boys.

“So,” Sean continued, “Best seats in the house are probably going to be the second booth on the right.”

“Lead the way!” Svetlana said. 

But even as they walked, Svetlana couldn’t stop thinking about Ingram.

As they slid into the booth, she turned around for a quick glance at him. They were still talking to the girls.

“So, what do you want to eat?” Sean asked.

Svetlana smiled at her and whispered a quick thank you before turning back to Sean. “Well, what milkshake would you say is the best?” She looked over the menu.

“I’m biased but I’d personally take the strawberry. But, you know, chocolate chip is never a bad choice if that’s your thing.”

“Nope. Strawberry sounds good to me.”

“Great! Anything to eat?”

“I’m just gonna have some fries but you can get whatever you want. Or we could get a large fires and split it.”

“Shakes and fries? Sounds godawful.”

“FYI, It’s actually delicious. Chester always puts more salt on mine because he knows I love them and they go amazingly well with the fresh, fruity, sweet milkshakes.”

“Alright, if you say so. But I’m also getting a burger to go with those fries.”

“Cool.” He said. “Hey, Arlene!” He called out and the waitress from before quickly hurried over.

“Yep?” Arlene took out her notepad.

“Alright, so, two strawberry milkshakes, go heavy on the whipped cream, a little extra sweet. A side of large fries, half curly, half plain, extra salt and a burger for the lady right here.”

“Got it.” She quickly rattled off the order back to them to confirm it and then hurried off behind the counter. 

“And now we wait.” Sean muttered under his breath.

Svetlana’s eyes drifted off her menu to the Pixies who were starting to walk away.

“Hey,” She asked, “You mind if I go check up on him? I didn’t really get a chance to see how he is.” The words flowed out without a second thought.

“Uh, sure.” Sean said, visibly tensing up. “We have some time to kill before the food comes anyway.”

And Svetlana realized what she’d done.

“No, I’m sorry. I’m stupid. It’s rude.” She quickly said. Ugh, she couldn’t believe she’d been this stupid. God, she couldn’t even imagine how poor Sean felt. He must’ve felt she was ditching him.

“No, I swear, it’s fine. I have to call my mom anyway.” He said.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, it’s fine.” He said but he was still tensed up.

“I’ll be right back.” She was already off the seat before beginning that sentence and making her way to Ingram Shaw.

*

[cerealbath]

I made a list of my top ten moments of my year 

10. I spent a lot of time at the beginning of summer sitting outside of my best friend’s starbucks. My (then) girlfriend would sit with me and we’d both do work and my best friend would come out and he would give us free drinks and kiss the tops of our heads and the sunset would always just be so beautiful. It was so warm. I felt so loved. 

9. I went to London and got to meet up with two of my English internet friends who I’ve been close with for years. They gave me a tour of London and the best moment was when we were all three eating a proper english breakfast. I just felt so lucky to finally see them and hang out.

8. This is silly as hell but my (then) girlfriend and I were at a Jon Bellion concert in an outdoor venue and there was a couple next to us and the man left to go get a soft pretzel. He came back with one pretzel and no dip for him and his girlfriend. Then, my girlfriend left and came back with TWO pretzels AND dip. I was so excited when she came back, i was like overwhelmed with love. Very good moment.

7. I went to the Stardust Diner in NYC with one of my best friends and her boyfriend’s family. Not only did her boyfriend’s family like me enough to pay to extend my train ticket earlier that day, but they bought everyone dinner and the music was incredible, as was the food. I was just having such a wonderful time, I’ll remember that night forever.

6. I had just completed my first event with my new company and I was all dressed up and sipping wine with new friends. I felt really adult and accepted, as well as accomplished and fancy. I remember looking out of the event windows at Boston, from MIT’s campus and I definitely had that Wow I’ve Made It feeling.

5. I graduated college. That was a thing that happened. I’d definitely say the moment I was in Total Wine with my best friends getting ready for my going-away party and I got the Canvas notification that I passed my final class. The second I knew I really did it, that was just incredible. (I never walked across the stage- but I did get my diploma later from my parents)

4. I went to Czechia with my best friend who was born and raised there and finally got to meet her family. The best moment was sitting around the table in her grandparent’s apartment eating soup and watching her little nephew run around. I finally got to see her home + family and I loved it.

3. I moved to Boston. I showed up here alone at the airport with a giant suitcase and my backpack. I moved into a room with no furniture in a house with strangers I found on the internet. I sat on my bedroom floor and it was like 100 degrees in my house and I was so tired from spending all day in O’hare. And I just started sobbing. I was so tired from my two weeks in Europe, and packing up my entire apartment, and finding a place to live, and graduating college, and planning a whole going away party. I was so tired and I only had a mattress in a box that had arrived earlier. I felt like I was in an alien land. I was scared to even leave my room! I basically got dressed and left the house and the second I left my house, I stepped into blinding sunlight. And the birds were chirping, and the breeze was blowing. (It was the first time I’d seen my city in daylight). And I just had this rush of hope and joy. I felt like everything would be okay, better than okay- incredible. That moment was something I desperately needed.

2. I was at my old student job back in TN when my now boss called me and offered me my current job. I immediately accepted and I just felt like fuck yeah!!!! fuck yeah!!! I did it, I was just about to graduate college and I got a job in my field at one of the best universities in the world straight out of the gate! I immediately called my mom and the joy in her voice made me feel so happy. That moment was so ??? unreal. I couldn’t believe it had happened.

1.  Meeting Rhett and Link. Or maybe being on the front row of the stage and watching them walk out for the first time. I was so happy, everything seemed surreal. The entire Boston BC show just made my year. I was so lonely before it, stressed from work and being new in a city. but being there with all these people with a similar interest and the atmosphere of excitement and love. I shook Rhett’s hand and it felt like I’d won the fucking lottery. Everything about that night was beautiful and I think about it often and it makes my heart swell.