#making this to prevent myself from taking time i don't have to make a video edit

[shorthaltsjester]

Critical Role: 10 Years of Storytelling

Campaign 1, Episode 115, "The Chapter Closes." // Taliesin Jaffe, in "As D&D booms, 'Critical Role' makes its own kind of nerd celebrity" by Sarah Parvini // Campaign 3, Episode 31, "Breaking Point" // On Loving by Forugh Farrokhzad, tr. Sholeh Wolpé // The Legend of Vox Machina at NYCC 2022 // 8-bit Stories // Campaign 1 Wrap-Up // “Without You Without Them” by boygenius // Campaign 2, Episode 141, "Fond Farewells." // Campaign 3: Behind the Set // Letters to Milena by Franz Kafka // Campaign 1, Episode 115, "The Chapter Closes." // Explanation of the final Vex’ahlia playlist by Laura Bailey // Liam's Quest: Full Circle // Backwards by Warsan Shire // Exandria Unlimited: Kymal, Part 2 // Explanation of Fearne’s second playlist by Ashley Johnson // Lighthousekeeping by Jeanette Winterson // San Diego Comic-Con 2023, Critical Role: Fireside Chat & Cast Q&A // Exandria Unlimited Cooldown: Divergence Episode 4 // Campaign 3, Episode 23, "To the Skies." // Explanation of the final Percy playlist by Taliesin Jaffe // "For Good" by Stephen Schwartz // Campaign 3, Episode 91, "True Heroism." // Exandria Unlimited: Calamity, Episode 4, "Fire and Ruin." // Campaign 3, Episode 121, "A New Age Begins."

[qsplaylist]

how to actually wake up early .~°~•

non-basic tips from a girl who struggles too

I've been waking up early pretty consistently for the past two years now, so I thought it might be helpful for me to share some tips that I used to keep that consistency.

1. the night before, (if you struggle to wake up)

start a task. I found that if I had something that I wanted to do the next morning, I would just start the first part of it the day before (e.g. reading a few pages of my assignment, finishing half of the outline I was typing up). then, when I wake up in the morning, I'll feel more inclined to get up so I can get the task done.

set an alarm 30 minutes prior to your actual wake up time, and then one on your wake up time. then, when the first alarm goes off, you can think "oh, but I'll let myself sleep in 30 minutes." I don't know how many times this will work (since it only worked a couple of times for me). but your brain tricks you all the time, so just return the favor this time.

make your wake up time 30 mins earlier every other day. cultivating an early morning routine is difficult in itself. so, I found the best way to go about it is by easing myself into it. just take your current wake up time (for example, 12 pm), and then set an alarm 30 mins before that (11:30 am). you've woken up earlier! two days later, you can set it at 11 am. then, very soon, you'll be reaching that 6 or 7 am wake up times you've been wanting.

2. the night before, (if you struggle to fall asleep early)

intensive movement. I found that, if I just do something very mentally or physically draining (like holding a plank, or starting a boring assignment), I fall asleep much quicker. I guess my body would rather fall asleep than have to read my physics textbook...

finish a task. any kind of task could work for this, like sending a text, posting a story, reading that next webtoon update that you've been putting off reading. if you're an easily worried/anxious person like me, finishing something can give you the closure you need to sleep peacefully. (kind of the opposite of "starting a task" tip that I gave earlier)

finish a task, then start a new task. if you struggle to both wake up and go to sleep, then just do a combination of the two. finish any task to feel accomplished with yourself, but start a new task to give yourself a justification for waking up early.

3. the dreaded morning

drink one glass of cold water. I don't know why this helps, but it does. there's really nothing more refreshing than one glass of cold water first thing in the morning. getting up to get it is also a bonus, because then you're getting out of bed and walking to go get it.

jam out to some song. it doesn't really matter what song it is, but just put on your earphones, blast it, and dance as vigorously as you want to the song. I found that doing this really helps wake me up.

finish that task that you started the night before. now, not only have you woken up, but you've also completed something!

4. but I physically can't get up!

sit up suddenly. I don't know why this works for me, but it does. like, if you have a deadline or a test to study for that you still feel iffy about (unprepared), use it as a justification for why you're sitting up suddenly, and just lurch forward. it will scare your senses into waking up, and (most of the time) lose your urge to crawl back in bed. again with the mind games against your own mind haha ;)

then, get out of bed immediately. it doesn't really matter if you're going to scroll on your phone, watch a YouTube video, or whatever you want to do, just do it outside of your bed. it helps prevent you from wanting to go back in.

︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦

building an early morning routine takes time, so be gentle with yourself if you slip up! now, though, you’ve just got some extra tools to make mornings a little brighter and a lot easier. you’ve got this!

sincerely yours, q's playlist

[becomingthatgirl111]

stop comparing yourself

i have been dealing with this for years. somehow i think we are programmed to think that the other person is better than us, in whatever aspect and we end up putting ourselves down and this is due to lack of self-esteem.

the reality is that it's all about perspective. you may think that the other person is much smarter, prettier or whatever better than you, but that person may have a totally different perspective of themselves and see those qualities that you admire in them in others. that's why it's an absurd reason to compare yourself to other people.

another reason why we should stop doing it is because it doesn't help us to improve ourselves because as i have already mentioned it makes us feel inferior to others and if we want to be our best version we have to stop doing it and focus on ourselves.

it is not worth comparing yourself with other people because everyone lives their own life and you don't know what that person has gone through to get to the point where they are now and you are also capable of achieving it. the only thing that prevents you from doing it is yourself and your negative thoughts about yourself.

negative thoughts can be changed by identifying them and not paying attention to them. at the beginning, it seems a complicated task but when your ideas have started to change and you have another mentality it is easier to do it. every time you compare yourself to yourself use the affirmation "i accept and approve of myself" say this repeatedly in your head until those thoughts go away. try it.

it is also important to recognize since when you compare yourself and why you do it. maybe it was a behavior you learned as a child, your parents or someone made you do it, maybe you tend to be very perfectionist with yourself. but all this comes from a lack of love in ourselves and when we identify it, it will be much easier to start the healing process.

it doesn't matter how other people are, if it helps you, take them as inspiration but the important thing here is to focus on yourself.

so my tips would be:

recognize when you feel this way and why.

write down how you would like to feel about this situation, if necessary also write down how it makes you feel every time you compare yourself to someone else and what you think about yourself at these moments.

every time you have a negative thought about yourself repeat the affirmation "i accept and approve of myself".

do activities that make you feel good and help you connect with the best version of yourself.

read, listen to podcasts, watch videos about personal growth. do research, don't just stick to the basics.

put into practice little by little what you are learning from all this new content that your mind is absorbing.

talk to yourself beautifully in front of the mirror, it can be that same affirmation or meditate in front of the mirror with a video of positive affirmations.

stop paying so much attention to other people's lives and focus on your own.

[cosmic-nia]

Hey Nia! Question-(from someone who only uses procreate on his iPad and doesn't own his own computer)- How do you make your animatics? I'm extremely curious because I'm at a point where I'd like to start making them myself but I don't really know where to start! What programs do *you* use? Any tips? If not that's cool 🐯 -Thank you!

OMG HI CATAA

I actually also use procreate. As a matter of fact, I also use it for my animatics!

I’m not really good at explaining stuff as I’m not a professional so I hope this alright for you lol

so what i do, first i start to visualize how i want the animatic to look like. Listen to your chosen audio a couple times (for me its almost a hundred lol) if you have one and just start to imagine how your animatic will look like, how it’ll move and all that.

Then, I just open up Procreate and start drawing. If you’re doing something more complex, I suggest doing some thumbnails to get a general idea. But if it’s something silly and short, i just draw and go from there. BUT THATS JUST MY OPINION!!

here’s what my canvas looked like when i was making my animatic 👇

obviously, the backgrounds and the drawings are in separate layers. Usually, my drawings don’t have color, but I decided to colour them for this animatic. I merged both the line art and the colour together for a couple of frames. Some of them I also merged with the background, mostly just to reduce the amount of layers and prevent a bit of clutter. I know it sounds a bit tedious doing this on one canvas, but I think I manage.

Then, I take those drawings and put them into my editing app, which is Capcut! I mostly just go back and forth when completing a drawing then putting it in capcut, checking it for a while before going right back to drawing, and the cycle continues until the animatic is finished!

A tip i learned from an old tutorial video from theodd1sout- if you want to give your animatics a sort of bouncy look, duplicate your chosen drawing and distort one slightly. Then, go to your editing app and add your distorted drawing- make it last for one or two seconds- then add your original drawing. It will then look something like this!

so yeah! That’s basically how my whole process goes! If you’re just starting out, I think Procreate and Capcut are your best shots! Of course, I’m not a professional or anything, so I suggest looking up animatic tutorials online because they’d explain it better haha

I hope this is a good explanation and good luck with whatever you choose to do, Cata!^^

[pardalote]

Hello! I saw your post just now, in which you said you don't watch telly! And I know this propably isn't in the theme of your blog, but may I ask how you do that?

Long story short: I'm a creative person myself, but always struggle with screenaddiction. I need several blocking extensions to keep me 'in check' when I surf.

I was wondering if not watching telly comes easy to you, it's just not something you're interested in, or if it's an active choice you made for yourself, and if so: what measures did you take/ things did you do to prevent yourself from watching telly/ scrolling instead of being creative?

Thank you for your time, and apologies for the anon, I got shy 😊

No need to apologise, anon is fine <3

So firstly, I don’t watch telly, but that doesn’t mean I’m not in front of a screen. To answer the telly thing... I grew up in front of the tv, and I don’t necessarily think tv is bad or anything - and you know, each to their own. But as I got older I got more and more annoyed (angry maybe?) at advertising, and at being fed content designed to reel me in to watch ads.So I watched it less and less over the years and just got out of the habit. These days our tv isn’t even plugged in to the antenna, and I don’t subscribe to any services (ie nteflix etc). I do own movies, and sometimes after dinner my man and I will watch a movie from our collection. But that’s it for the telly.

Now the screen thing. I am a gamer! I have played computer games my whole life, and I go through periods where I play a LOT. I’m not currently in that mode, but I’ll still fire up a game sometimes when I’m tired or to relax. Pew pew.

I watch a few arty/creator types on youtube. I have my favourites, and check out any new videos when they are posted. It’s usually the kind of thing I can still stitch/make while I watch. But that’s probably only like three hours a week.

I do interact with social media on my phone/computer a bit. Mainly tumblr :D but a little insta (less and less these days), a little blueky now, a little reddit. But if I want to avoid that, I just leave my phone in another room when I’m crafting. That helps. I just pop it on my bedstand or something.

All if this is MUCH easier because I live with only one other person, and they are also a gamer rather than a tv person. (I mean, that’s not a coincidence, we are together in a large part because we love games!) But if you’re surrounded by others and piling on the couch together to watch telly is a thing, then it’s hard to opt out of that.

But I guess for me it was a gradual thing, so small steps is okay if you’re trying to step away from your screen a bit. Good luck! and hugs <3!

[stilljuststardust]

hii i would need some advice.

after finding out about manifesting it became tricky for me to care about the 3D, not only in the good way but also the bad. like - I dont do stuff because i tell myself that I have it anyways you know. im still taking the Basic care of myself but i stopped studying and doing anything, I kinda just bedrot because "i already have it all" why would i do anything. I dont know how to battle that and logically tell myself to do something.

thank you

Why manifestation doesn't mean nothing matters:

I went through the same thing and the truth was that I cared very much about the 3D I just was depressed and deeply nihilistic.

I want to address the beliefs you've stated about manifestation but I think you should focus on the underlying mental health issue. This has all the traits of a depressive episode and should be treated as such. I am addressing the manifestation aspect because clearly it has been fueling your episode and I hope that this will help change your perspective even a little.

"the 3D doesn't matter" is a really common phrase. When I first heard it I wasn't familiar with loa and it was instead something a friend kept repeating. It scared the shit out of me.

The phrase is meant to convey that circumstances zre never able to prevent your manifestation and that you get to determine what you want in your reality regardless of whether or not it has physically manifested yet.

What it accidentally ended up becoming was "nothing is real nothing matters" which if you have any kind of mental health issue is a deeply triggering phrase.

The 3D isn't worthless it just isn't a factor in whether or not you can manifest something. The 3D is real. The 3D is something that matters because it matters to you.

The 4D isn't some mystical far off land, it's literally just your thoughts, visualizations, and internal experiences, and I doubt that those are all in alignment with your goals right now. When I was depressed my inner monologue was less "my life is so great" and more "why aren't I doing more" so that feeling piled up on itself and bled into my 3D until I wasn't doing anything.

The 3D is malleable and you can manifest anything within it yes but why should that mean you can't care about it? If you're manifesting it's probably because you care about your life and want it to improve.

To be clear I don't believe that nothing matters but even if it didn't why should that mean we give up on the things that make us happy? Nothing matters so do whatever the fuck you want. This doesn't make you happy so why should you do it if suffering is also meaningless?

The underlying mental health issue:

Disclaimer: I'm not a professional anything I say about depression is from personal experience. Please seek professional guidance.

This has all of the common signs of a depressive episode. It seems to me that you have a serious underlying mental health struggle and you've been using "nothing matters" as a way to justify staying in it.

I would like to start with: there is nothing wrong with you and this is not your fault.

There definitely was a time I thought the same way because I was scared to try to get better. Starting recovery can be scary because often there is a backwards comfort in leaning into it because you're no longer putting pressure on yourself to "do better".

"Nothing matters so why should I try" isn't loa, it's nihilism, and a very common mantra for those suffering with depression. You're not alone in thinking it.

If you want my advice as someone who's been there:

Obviously no advice I give you is going to cure you but I can give you tools that helped me.

Meet yourself where you're at. Don't try to go from bed rotting today to climbing a mountain tomorrow. It's like how you can't jump from the first level to the boss fight of the video game. You don't need to have all of it under control your goal should start one step above where you're at. So instead of a whole list of things you need to catch up with just start with showering or your hygiene. Keep that as your only goal until it's become a normal part of your life again and implement new goals in a similar way.

Every video I ever watched on self improvement overwhelmed me with everything I wasn't doing. The weight of my expectations for myself was the heaviest part of my episodes. Eventually I committed to the idea that I had only one responsibility and it was showering, anything else is just a bonus. Be kind to yourself. If all you change is the way you talk to yourself about it you will feel better. It's easy to fall into cycles of beating yourself up for everything you wish you were doing but that isn't benefitting you in any way. Give yourself some compassion.

Links

Against nihilism - john green

How to handle the 3D when manifesting

Mental health subliminal

[asena-graywolf]

Sex Sessions

That evening, you decided to focus on a problem you had been experiencing for a long time. Nishinoya, your boyfriend of 3 years, also agreed with you. You have been together for a long time, but you have never had a sexual conversation or relationship with each other until now. Even though you didn't think of including this in your relationship at first, the lust urge inside both of you was preventing this.

You had absolutely no experience. However, you had no idea whether Nishinoya was experienced or not. It would be helpful if she had never had sex experience before. Because he would have his first sexual experience with you. Even though you wanted to ask him this, you completely gave up asking because you thought your boyfriend might be hurt by this question.

You and Nishinoya had talked about this issue last week and decided that you had to start having sexual intercourse somewhere. Nishinoya was ready for this job yesterday. But you had a strange hesitation and fear. In your first experience, you were afraid that something would go wrong, you would get hurt, and you would regret it later.

Of course, these were just bad scenarios. You were relieved that the chances of it happening weren't very high. You took a deep breath and directed your gaze to the ceiling. While you were watching the ceiling of your room, you heard your phone vibrating on the nightstand next to your bed.

You took your phone in your hand. There was a video call from Nishinoya. You couldn't understand why he was making a video call at this hour. He usually didn't make video calls at night. Still, you were dying to see your boyfriend's cute face, so you picked up the phone.

Within a few seconds, Nishinoya's image on your phone screen cleared and he greeted you with his sweet smile.

''Hello sweetie! How's it going?''

It was obvious that she had just come out of the bathroom, as his hair was wet and had gone down unlike usual. He had a towel around his shoulders and was wearing a worn-out white T-shirt.

"Oh! Just a second!" you said and immediately took your headset and plugged it into your phone, then placed it in your ear. Now only you could hear your boyfriend's voice.

You didn't want your parents to wake up to the sound of your voice and come and check on you. So you didn't take any chances. Otherwise you would be deprived of your boyfriend's handsome face

“Noya? You wouldn't call at this hour. What's up? Did something happen?''

''None. I just missed you. "I wanted to see your face." Then he gave you his usual smile.

You responded the same way

''I miss you too. "Do you want to do something after practice tomorrow?"

Looks like you were thinking the same thing at the same time

"I was going to talk to you about this. Shall we meet at the material warehouse after the game tomorrow?

The material warehouse was not a preferred place for meetings. Therefore, although you were a little surprised by this offer, your boyfriend later made the necessary explanation.

"I know this may sound weird, but I thought it was the ideal place for our first sexual experience."

You shuddered as if something cold had flowed down through you. “A-But…why?”

''Don't worry!I won't push you too hard."

“Nice but, Noya… I haven't prepared myself for this yet. So I have to say it was a bit sudden for me.”

"Come come, baby. I thought we had this covered. How long will we keep on like this? We have to start somewhere. Don't worry, I won't push you too much. I guess I'm not going to suddenly do something that will hurt you."

''I know. I trust you but you know my problem is with myself. "I'm inevitably nervous because it's my first time doing something like this."

"There's nothing to worry about, I'll try every way to comfort you," he said, grinning at your image on the screen.

"Okay, okay. Oh I'm excited already"

Nishinoya took advantage of your excitement and thought you could do a little rehearsal in front of the camera.

"I'm as excited as you. Y/n, while we're on video, can't we at least try something to get you used to it?"

"Like what?" you asked as you heard your heart beat faster and felt your blood heating up.

After saying "Watch and see", he lowered the camera a little so that his body was visible and rolled up his white T-shirt to his chest.

The prominent muscles on his abdomen were revealed. You've noticed him taking off his shirt in the living room a few times, but you haven't had the chance to see him this closely. For as long as you can remember, Nishinoya's muscular body has been impressing you. Despite his short stature, no one else had the abs he had.

"Oh my God! "I want to touch your muscles," you said quite eagerly.

Nishinoya covered his stomach and stuck his tongue out at you, grinning

"Come and lick me baby. "I taste like honey"

You laughed with each other

'I'm sure it is. "I would sacrifice anything to touch those muscles"

"Can you show me too?"

Your cheeks turned red involuntarily.

“What?” you asked curiously and a little nervously.

"I don't know, any part of your body. This could be our warm-up lap. "If we start seeing each other's bodies, it will be easier for us to get used to it."

“Oh, I'm not so sure about this, but…” you said, a little worried.

"Come on, don't be shy! I didn't want you to show your genitals directly," he said, trying to keep you as calm as he could.

"Okay" you agreed

After saying "Wait", you slid down the bed a little and positioned the camera to show your entire body.

You rolled up your pajamas but were a little shy to show your breasts.

''Come on baby! You have a very nice body. I want to see those beautiful boobs.”

Your face turned red as you said, "But Noya…"

''Come on! You can do it," he encouraged you.

After agreeing by saying "Okay", you rolled up your pajama top up to your neck.

Your large and full boobs were visible to Nishinoya. You could clearly see that he was drooling as soon as he saw your boobs

''Wow! God I don't believe it! The sexiest boobs I've ever seen in my life! Like grapes. Big and plump. I'm sure it tastes great too. "I want to bite those beautiful boobs"

"Come on and bite" you made fun of your boyfriend by saying

"I'll bite you until I'm bruised."

Nishinoya was assertive about this

"My wild baby. Should I breastfeed you? Would you like it?"

You grasped the tip of your breast with two fingers and showed it to him.

"I want to drink your sweet milk, beauty," he said and licked his lips hungrily.

"Do you know what you did to me?" he continued, making you curious.

"What did I do?" you asked curiously.

He moved the camera downwards. He was only wearing his boxers and you could spot his penis through his boxers. It was obvious that he had hardened and stood up.

"Thanks to you, my dick was attached. Oh y/n, what did you do to that? You are so sexy. Why didn't I think of fucking you all this time?''

"I don't believe it Noya! How impatient you are. If just seeing a pair of boobs gets your dick going, we have a lot more work to do with you."

He positioned the camera back on his face. Now you were looking face to face again

After saying "I have a lot of work to do with you too", he yawned and covered his yawning mouth with his free hand.

Your boyfriend's yawning made you sleepy too.

''I feel sleepy. Otherwise, believe me, I would love to keep on. Anyway, see you at the supply depot after practice tomorrow.”

''I'm excited already. "See you later, honey," you said and waved at you.

''I love you.Good night''

After saying "I love you too", you hung up the phone and put it back in its place.

You fell asleep thinking about how impressed Nishinoya was with your breasts and what you would do tomorrow.

The next day, after school and after training, you met at the gym's equipment warehouse, as agreed. Nishinoya locked the door from the inside.

"Baby, I'm a little sweaty. You wouldn't be disgusted, would you?"

''No. "I would never be disgusted with you," you answered confidently.

After saying "I'm glad about that", he smiled happily with the answer he received.

''Yes. What are we doing? Where do we start?''

Nishinoya put his hands on his hips

"We will continue where we left off yesterday"

"How so?" you wondered.

“You managed to lift my dick last night… today you will suck it with your beautiful lips. I'll teach you how to suck a dick. "If you are successful, I will lick you afterwards."

You were excited. You were going to see your boyfriend's dick for the first time and experience sex for the first time.

''I didn't think about getting into it the first time. "I thought it might be a more enjoyable start if we started with licking."

“You thought well,” you confirmed to your boyfriend.

“Okay now…you will follow my orders to the letter. "Like I said, if you're successful, there's a reward afterward."

''I agree''

''Ok. Then kneel down"

You did what he said. You obediently knelt in front of him. Nishinoya took a step closer to you

Just as he was about to pull down his shorts, you intervened.

"I can help you if you want"

"Are we impatient?" she mocked you.

"Well then, put it down" he said and allowed you to pull down his shorts. You grabbed both sides of his shorts and pulled them down. As soon as you pulled it down, his thick and long dick popped out erect.

"Oh! God is so much bigger than I thought. "It's like a big candy bar."

“Then start licking this candy bar, baby. Come on, come closer. Feel free''

"But, Noya?"

Nishinoya was getting impatient now

''What happened again?''

“I…well. Is it okay if I close my eyes while sucking?"

“I would love for you to look at me with those eyes. That's a shame''

"Please, this is my first time. Try to make do for now. I promise, next time I'll open my eyes"

"Okay, whatever you want. But now put this in your mouth. "I'm starting to get angry!" he said as he grabbed the back of your head and pulled you closer to him.

"Open your mouth!" he ordered you sternly.

While you opened your mouth a little, he immediately inserted his dick into your mouth.

"Suck it!"

You closed your eyes, holding Nishinoya's big and thick cock with one hand. You wet the tip with your tongue and then, while pumping the dick you held at the base back and forth, you started licking the part you took into your mouth by moving your head back and forth.

Nishinoya was holding your head tightly and pulling you towards him. After a while he started to push you. You were having a hard time taking the entire huge dick into your mouth. You were out of breath.

You were careful not to gag or vomit, but you couldn't say you could hold it back for long.

You were afraid of falling out of favor with Nishinoya if you threw up the first time.

To forget the feeling of vomiting, you decided to pleasure your pussy as it licked Nishinoya's cock. Your wetness had seeped into your panties. You put your hand under your skirt and then you dipped your fingers into your panties and started rubbing your clit, feeling your wet pussy.

''Wow! So you know how to enjoy it, baby"

Nishinoya was pleased with the way you pleasured yourself. Nishinoya urged you to increase your speed a little more. He held both sides of your head tightly and suddenly pressed himself against himself. You gagged and made strange sounds because you took his entire dick into your mouth.

''Open your eyes y/n! "I want you to look at me while experiencing this pleasure."

Nishinoya had become aggressive. He insisted when he saw that you couldn't open your eyes.

''Y/N! "Open your eyes, I tell you!"

He slapped your cheek lightly. It didn't hurt you, but your cheek was slightly red.

You opened your eyes to avoid making him angry even more. He gripped your chin tightly and forced your eyes to look at him.

"I'm about to cum, I want you to look at me while I cum"

You nodded and continued licking. At the same time, you continued to caress your pussy. It was only a matter of time before you both orgasmed. Nishinoya started to push you harder as he neared ejaculation. You were turning red from breathlessness.

"Come on slut! Make me cum!”

This time, he grabbed your hair tightly and pressed you to himself, while he squirted all his semen into your mouth. The head of his cock had reached almost all the way into your esophagus. His hot semen burned your throat. When you took his dick out of your mouth, you coughed and then vomited, spitting out all the sperm in your mouth.

"Jeez! I am sorry. "I think I must have pushed you too hard because I got carried away."

After cleaning himself up, Nishinoya put his shorts back on and leaned over next to you, touching your shoulder.

"Are you okay?" he asked you.

You looked at him with pink creamy liquid overflowing from your mouth.

"I actually saw his aggressive and cruel side for the first time. “Are you always this cruel and harsh when it comes to sex?” you asked.

''Not always. Since this was a first for me, I was just a little carried away, that's all. I didn't hurt you too much, did I? After all, I made you vomit."

“Absolutely not. This was very enjoyable. "Now that I've achieved this, I'm looking forward to you licking me."

"We won't do that here."

''Why?''

'Come to me tomorrow evening. I'll be home alone anyway. "I want us to reach the peaks of pleasure together in our comfortable bed."

You stood up

''Ok. Obviously then. I'm looking forward to tomorrow"

''Me too. But before that, we'd better both clean up. You're not thinking of going out like this, are you?"

“Of course not,” you responded with a laugh.

''Great. Then wait, I'll get you a towel."

----------------------------------------------------

It will be continue in Part 2

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for reporting my neighbor to the police and getting him evicted for trying to poison my chickens?

I know that question sounds insane but bare with me. I (F30) live next to my landlord (F60s?) and my neighbor (M30s). I have 3 hens that I keep as pets and for fresh eggs.

I have my landlords written permission and follow all city ordinances (so no roosters, no more than 6 hens, built the coop away from houses, have a permit from the city, etc.)

They are in my yard in a fenced in run with a coop. I made sure to get a breed that's very quiet and docile so as not to bother neighbors, but whenever new people move in, I still go introduce myself, let them know I have hens, and then ask them if they want fresh eggs.

When I asked my new neighbor, he looked disgusted and said "I don't want shit from dirty ass barn animals"

Uh, okay. I told him that I was sorry for bothering him and to have a good day. He said "Whatever" and then closed the door.

A week later, I get a knock on my front door and open it. It's someone who works for animal control telling me that they've received a noise complaint.

At first I thought it was for my dog, who's a chihuahua mix, because he was barking VERY loudly at a squirrel the other day. Nope, it was the chickens. The guy said that someone reported roosters crowing.

I do not have roosters. My chickens are 2 years old so I'm 100% sure that they're hens and not roosters.

I invite him in, take him into the yard, and show him the chickens. I show him where their coop is, show him that I keep all of their food in secure containers to prevent mice and rats, I show him my license number, etc. At this point he's confused, because my chickens are very quiet and I clearly have no roosters.

Every time I saw the neighbor, he was usually hanging out with friends, and as soon as he noticed me he would immediately start complaining about my chickens. Talking about how barn animals are nasty, chickens are loud and stinky and gross, how they're only good for eating, etc. Basically the usual "You have prey animals as pets so I'm going to joke about killing and eating them".

I ignored him, and whenever I did see him I would smile and say hello, ask how he's doing, etc. which he ignored.

One morning I came out into my yard to let the hens out for the day, and saw something in their run. At first I thought it was some kind of weird, fucked up mushroom, but I looked closer and realized it was a piece of bread that was a bluish green color.

I looked up, because my chickens run is fenced in and covered in aviary netting, and realized that there was a huge cut in the netting. I went back inside, grabbed a plastic ziploc bag and gloves, put the bread in it, and then got a shovel to dig out the dirt that the bread was sitting on just in case.

I wasn't sure where to go, so I took it to my vet and showed one of the vet techs. He looked concerned, asked if any pets ate it, and then took it back to show one of the vets.

He came back out and told me that it looked like it had been covered in rat poison, and I told him that the aviary netting was cut, and this was in my yard. He told me to go to the police and make a report because it was 100% someone intentionally trying to poison my chickens/dog.

Before doing that, I went home, and checked my cameras. I have them up in the corner of the birds run facing their coop, so that if anything ever happened to them (we have lots of raccoons) I would be able to see.

I saw my neighbor climb up (I'm assuming on a step ladder), use a knife to cut the netting, and throw the bread into the yard. I took the video and piece of bread to the police, and filed a report.

I told them yes, I know, it's just chickens, but they're my pets and I also have a dog that could have eaten it (he goes into the coops with me). I love my chickens, all of them have names and I take them to a vet if they ever get sick, so to me they're more than livestock.

Cops are useless and I figured they wouldn't do anything, so I also told my landlord about it. I showed her a copy of the video that I saved, and she was horrified and told me she would take care of it immediately.

I'm not sure if the cops ever did their jobs, but he was gone a week later. My landlord apologized profusely for the trouble and I said it was fine, she had no way of knowing.

I thought I was justified in what I did, since I literally caught this guy on camera throwing poison into my yard for my pets to eat (and then slowly die of internal bleeding).

But I mentioned it to an IRL friend (F28) through text (she's out of town) and she was FURIOUS. She asked me wtf I was doing, ACAB, etc. and basically said "Isn't your neighbor black? How would you have felt if the cops showed up and shot him over some stupid birds?"

I told her that I went to the cops because my vet told me to, and just because he's black doesn't give him an excuse to poison peoples animals for no fucking reason.

I also reminded her that the cops in our town are useless and since no animals were actually poisoned, they probably wouldn't even get off their asses to go talk to him.

For context: One time someone got HIT BY A CAR 10 minutes away from the police station. It took them 20 minutes to get there.

She told me I was a racist bootlicker and a cracker... She's white and I'm mixed race (my dad is Colombian) so like... lol. lmao even.

[eirikrjs]

I imagine this question has probably been asked before, but what are some tips you have for doing research on the topics you usually talk about? I'm always amazed reading your posts and I always wonder how I could have put together that information myself

In general, much of the way I write/research is based on my background. I graduated college with an English degree, one of the Word Processing variety moreso than Literature (but the sole mythology course was the most important one I ever took). I was not a great student but I did learn to infer and write confidently and assertively, which I think goes a long way in making me seem authoritative, even though I would be the first to admit I am not an expert on any mythological topic; at best, I would be an expert on SMT and Kaneko designs, which is far less prestigious (but honest).

As for learning how to research better, as Dan McClellan says, "Think critically, Google competently" Critical thinking is essential to learn, it will help you distinguish between good and bad sources. Think of Barbara Walker and the old adage "extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence." Here's one of my favorite extraordinary claims from the Woman's Encyclopedia:

Read this and think about what it's saying: Ganesha is somehow both Yahweh and the Behemoth, both of whom are rather opposites in the Hebrew Bible. The "evidence" for this nonsense is a single citation from Joseph Campbell's Oriental Mythology, which, if you look it up, says nothing of the sort Walker is claiming; Campbell himself is problematic enough on his own, anyway--even though I like him as a writer---so you also need a sense of the influences behind the information you read, which takes time and experience to learn. I mean, I myself am 42 years old now, but I was 32 when I wrote SMT Identity Crisis, which is when this blog really took off in terms of popularity. I don't think I would have had the perspective needed to write it as a 22-year-old.

As for Googling, you'll get better results if you utilize searching tricks like putting search queries in quotes for more specific results. For example, when I want to find an old post of mine, I will usually type [eirikrjs tumblr "topic"] and I can usually find it. I also almost always search in Japanese for whatever SMT topic I'm discussing--I am far from fluent in Japanese, but I know Katakana (which I suggest you learn if you don't already) and how to use an online kanji dictionary like Jisho. You mostly have to know the number of strokes per kanji, then you can look up one you don't know by its radicals.

I also encourage you have a broad range of interests; you need a multifaceted mentality and open mind to prevent myopia and introduce yourself to new perspectives you wouldn't have encountered consuming only video games. Like, so many Kaneko cribs were only discovered by experiencing things way outside the confines of video games. That said, video games dovetail with so many different topics and genres; my love of 70s music I owe to discovering the influences of Nobuo Uematsu. Final Fantasy soundtracks are more than just a collection of melodies, they're also Deep Purple, Emerson Lake and Palmer, and Kraftwerk. Dig into what you already like and find what inspired it!

My very last pointer is to understand that everything has a limit. No matter the topic, there's only so far it can go and so much you can say about it. Take JJCAT--it's a pretty expansive topic, but I limited myself to researching and writing about what the Atlus staff members had to say about it and how it was applied in the games themselves. Find your thesis and focus on supporting it, it will make you a more successful writer.

[bishonenspit]

Honestly so happy to find another person who doesn’t like colleen. Depressing how they’re the face of shojo when they make such mediocre content. Their queer shojo video was so bad it made me depressed…why do so many popular shojo influencers hate bl??

I think the main point of contention that shoujo fans have with colleen's content is that it's definitely more surface level beginner info in many cases, but it's packaged in a way that acts like it's targeted at long time fans (like the history of shoujo vid or the queer subtext vid). I think their videos are solidly FINE if you don't particularly hold any long term interest in shoujo (as in, maybe you're a casual reader or even just know of it) but beyond that they aren't necessarily a source of EXPANDED info. However I can't really look past the pretty easily disprovable misinfo that could have been rectified with....basically a singular google search especially in cases like the queer subtext video lol. Like that stuff can really only slide if the viewer doesn't care THAT much.

Which I think is where the whole influencer persona gets a bit frustrating. You can only really act like a figurehead to a degree with a language barrier and also a relatively pretty limited catalogue of things you've read and limited knowledge within the space you're acting figurehead of.

But honestly i think a lot of big shoujo accounts (on twt but I suppose elsewhere like maybe tiktok and youtube but I'm not really in the space there + don't have tiktok myself) do a disservice to the queer roots of the genre for the sole reason that within English publication spaces it's pretty glaringly left out. The shoujo that gets published in English is in a landslide percentage mostly heterosexual romance or easily digestible drama.

Not that something like that should prevent people from reading the queer stories, obviously there are scanlations of a lot of them and even official publications in a few cases, but it's way easier to make an influencer-esque persona based off series that are easy (and legal lol) to access and promote. That being said I also think the anime and manga community online has a homophobia issue and the online aversion to BL in any form is still going strong so 🤷‍♂️. In an online climate where reading things with unhappy endings or controversial topics gets you labelled as a problem or worse I'm not surprised the people with platforms steer clear from talking about them, as disappointing as it is for people who actually care about the history of shoujo. And also for people who are also you know gay and like to read about gay characters rather than the same straighty drivel.

All that being said tho I don't actually have an issue with Colleen as like, a person mostly because I don't get access to their person, the same way ppl who just follow me on here don't really get access to MY person either. I don't really get to say I dislike THEM but I do as it stands dislike their content and what exists of their online "celebrity" for lack of a better term.

And for the record while I'm on this tangent I think they (and their friends/followers) could probably learn to handle criticism levelled against them a little bit better, because you (in reference to anon specifically, and I'm taking you being on anon as more proof of this) aren't the first person to come to me in private or anonymously to voice their critiques or distaste because they don't feel comfortable publicly posting about it. I think a niche community shouldn't have a person with a platform acting figurehead that people are nervous about disagreeing with on their own personal accounts. I think that just kinda sucks overall for the general community. I haven't had any kickback that I've seen and I'm pretty used to being disliked online atp but others can't handle it and really shouldn't have to if all they're doing is voicing complaints on something posted publicly!

(Also also, I'm kiddinnnnggggg anyone can read the manga I like and talk about it. Obviouslyyyyy. I might just not like what they have to say about it. lol)

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

ok i have a sex ed-related ask but it's kind of nasty/gross so feel free to just skip it, i won't be offended. im really sorry if this grosses you out, i hope it doesn't i just have no idea where else to ask this kind of question.

sooooo I'm kind of interested in trying anal sex someday and I've tried uhh poking around in there while masturbating before, and while it feels good, I've noticed that pretty much every time I go past one knuckle I end up with, um, a little poop on my finger(s). it's not like a lot but it's definitely there.

from what I've read that's apparently not supposed to happen unless you already had to poop, but when I'm doing it I never feel like I have to go and even when I try to go afterward nothing comes out. is there something wrong with me or is there something other people are doing that i don't know about?? I absolutely do not want to subject anyone else's hand/dick to That so should I just resign myself to never getting to try it?

hi anon,

nothing gross about this; anal sex and poop are both perfectly natural! and whatever you've been reading, poop's a part of regular part of anal sex. we need to be careful about keeping it clean, because fecal matter can unfortunately be a bit more dangerous than pee or other fluids affiliated with sex, but that's easy peasy!

first off, simplest things: gloves. like I was talking about just yesterday, body-safe, sex-friendly gloves are dummy easy to get ahold of. making sure to put down a towel or blanket you're comfortable getting dirty is also a good idea, just in case bigger accidents happen. playing in the bathtub or shower are also good options for purposes of easy cleaning.

there's no guaranteed way to prevent pooping, but youtube sexologist Lindsey Doe has a classic video on anal sex prep with some helpful tips including learning how to track your bowel movements:

douching to clear out your bowls with water on short notice is also an option, but I need to emphasize that this is a risky behavior that should not be done with frequency for the sake of your anal tissue (it's delicate!); 2-3 times a week TOPS (no pun intended). don't worry, I have a video for that too:

(no explicit imagery in this video, YT just sucks.)

in regards to potential partners: listen. sex is messy. not just anal sex, all sex has the potential to get messy because bodies just do stuff. if someone's not willing to take that risk by doing anal that's their prerogative, but that has no bearing on you. you're doing just fine :)

[littlesunshine123]

hello!! I don’t know if you’ve answered this yet but any tips on how to get out of regression? I have trouble getting big and this is an especially big problem for me because I’m a closeted regressor

please and thank you!! :)

No interaction from NSFW accounts, including likes, comments, follows, and re-blogs

Hey there bud!

Before I answer your question, I would like to tell you that if regression is taking a major toll on your life, if you feel like you have a hard time accomplishing tasks needed to function, or if you are experiencing involuntary regression, please try to reach out to a professional. I am not a professional, and my advice it not meant to replace mental health care. That being said, I understand not everyone has the privilege to access mental health care, so no judgment if you tried but can't.

The first thing to know when it comes to getting out of regression is what kind of trigger made you regress. Negative triggers can cause impure regression. This could look like experience something, often related to trauma, that can make you feel trapped, too small to deal with your problems, or make you regress in terms of skills, such as communication. For this type of regression, see if you can find accommodations to help with loss of skill, ideally working with a mental health professional. I do not have the training or expertise to give advice about getting out of a impure regression.

Positive triggers are things that can make you feel happy, comforted, and safe. These can be things like watching children's TV shows, playing games, or doing other activities which are related to positive childhood memories.

When trying to get out of this headspace, ask yourself what you are trying to accomplish by becoming "big". Are you trying to seem more "normal"? Are you trying to get "grown up" tasks done? Also are you alone or with others?

You might be able to remain regressed and accomplish your goals. Sometimes I am able to talk to myself in my head in order to still accomplish my work or find a kid-friendly way to do them. I'll say stuff to myself like "okay kiddo, now we are going to get some chores done, let's fold laundry! Then, we can pick out a sticker for the sticker chart!"

If you do decide to get out of a regressed headspace, one choice is to slowly transition back to being a grown up by doing something that is a bit "older" and that I would enjoy regressed or not regressed. For instance, I might play a computer or video game for "all ages", or listen to an audiobook that is for "older kids".

Another choice is to do a mindfulness activity such as meditating, going for a walk, or taking a shower to tell yourself it is time to transition.

You can change spaces or clothes to tell yourself it is no longer regression time.

Tell yourself can regress later, and give yourself plenty of time to regress in general to prevent "slipping" at inconvenient times.

Try to create things to associate with regressing which you don't usually run into in your day to day life. Using a paci, using chunky crayons to color, and watching kids TV shows can be good examples of things you can probably avoid while wanting to be "big".

No interaction from NSFW accounts, including likes, comments, follows, and re-blogs!

[kaddyssammlung]

I apologize in advance.

For all the incoming Sleep Token spam because they are going to be on tour for the next four weeks.

And also for the not incoming Sleep Token spam because they are in my timezone. What do I mean by that?! I go to bed very early. Earlier then they will play their shows most of the times at least. So I won't be able to live post anything that I can find because I will be in my bed, next to my giant unicorn, asleep.

It was only during their last US tour that I started to post new stuff like crazy. I drove myself insane a little with that. So idk what to do this time. Lean back and just pick some cherries?! Still post but only things that I personally like? Just post like crazy when I get up (some time around 3am btw.).

I really don't know yet. I don't want to get lost. It's really easy to get lost in all of this and I don't want that.

There are so many other fans who will feed you with new content.

I probably fit in there somewhere, I guess.

This strange tendency to not want to repost something that's already been shared is also something that can get to me. I could just not care. Sometimes I don't see it when something was shared already. Tumblr puts some posts into “timeout” and does not show them on the main tag. It does that sometimes and idk why but I've noticed this. Maybe to prevent spam? And then a few hours later I see that someone posted the same video or whatever, like I did and then I feel horrible about it.

That drove me insane during last tour. And also...no one ever complained about that. Instead some peeps who post a lot just blocked me because idk...maybe they thought that I steal content from them?! If anything I take from other social media and it just showed me the same stuff.

That's all. I don't intentionally steal. I always cite my sources.

I do feel a competitive aspect to all of this. It's in the field, it's not even me. I just feel that hostility.

Making gifs is so much fun for example. How can I not do that?! Just because I might, maybe step on someone's toes?! I never knew how much of a people pleaser I can be. I never fit into any group that's why I left every fan Discord. It's always been like that. In school or friends groups or whatever.

Writing this down and letting this sink deep makes me sad for so many reasons. Not really because of this band but more in general. All this not fitting in somewhere is just part something bigger. So...

Do I have a point?! Not really.

Just wanted to share that. That's all.

Thank you :)

Danke :)

[hokkaidossoul12]

I need to get a lot off my chest (long post)

I feel that there is a lot of things I need to explain on my own end that I haven't really talked about to people, especially those who I have had close online connections with since these last few years. It's not just on Tumblr but when I was also on DeviantArt before I decided to deactivate my account. I haven't been able to get the response out that I wanted to for a long time and I want to get this out before I don't get the chance to due to mental issue (no, it's not depression or anything life threatening, don't worry.) Overtime I haven't really been keeping up to date with messaging or posting to people even when they've made the effort to message me (even my own family). I do see when these people message me and it may take me a few days, weeks or even a month before I respond to it. Most of the response I give are either because of life issues or that I simply forgot to message but that isn't the whole story as to why. It's not because I'm lazy or don't want to message the person back even thought I've been convincing myself it is. It's mainly because I can't get myself together mentally to send anything and overwhelm myself trying to think of something that doesn't sound like an excuse or that I don't care about the person on the other end. I may respond back quickly to messages like "hi, how have you been?" or anything that involves general conversation since I already know how to answer. But when it's something that I have to think about in a way that anything I could say would upset someone I have to stop and take some time to get a response today that doesn't sound offend someone.

I struggle to pick up on certain social cues and taking in the environment unless I can clearly see it or if it's pointed out to me by someone else. Because it is an online conversation it's harder for me to tell whether I am overstepping a mark or saying something that may upset a person or a group of people I'm talking to. Yes, I have overstepped a mark before a few years back (around when I was 14 and 17) with people because I brought up topics of sexual, gory or inappropriate themes that have upset people before and they or someone else had to step in and tell me it was not okay. That still eats me up now because the fact that I can't pick up on if something I talk about is inappropriate unless someone tell me I feel degusted in myself.

I am very desensitized to a lot of things that would be shocking or sickening to someone who isn't used to seeing or hearing about it. I watched a lot of it as a way to cope with a lot of issues I had to do with violence when I was around seven. Watching videos or seeing images like that for some reason helped me to become less violent physically but also began to make me less destressed when it came to gore and other themes. I never asked anyone about it since I'd always been told that people who were autistic saw things differently and any questions about what I was going through were pushed aside. I never pushed any further about it because people would get upset with me when I did, especially people who didn't believe in autism or refuse to acknowledge I had it, one or two of my teachers convincing me I was just mentally sick and that discipline would work a.k.a yelling in my face, slamming their hands down on the front of my desk inches from my face, trying to get the work through my "thick skull" and being punished for not understanding the work. I know this doesn't have to do with it but it's a reason why I was drawn to the internet and talking online to people.

I began to use the internet a lot to express how I was feeling and making art to put online. I eventually found DeviantArt and began making art there and making friends with a lot of people. I began getting really involved in roleplay stuff and talking to people who followed me and became friends with me. I was going through a lot of stuff offline which prevented me from making friends so I saw the people online as my friends instead.

This is what lead me to get into unhealthy habits online which lead to me to get into unhealthy habits offline due to the people online who were influencing me. I would make a few people uncomfortable and began getting into online drama that I had no knowledge of beforehand, I thought I was helping people that way. I was also doing drawing requests which ended up making me uncomfortable to do because my own boundaries were being broken but couldn't say no. Eventually, I realized that I wasn't becoming a nice person due to my unresolved issues I had online and offline and my own mental health was coming at an expense. I eventually left DeviantArt saying it was because of AI but that wasn't the only reason. One of the drawing requests I'd received finally broke me and made me realize that DA wasn't as nice and friendly community anymore. All of the friends I made on there were the only positive things I had on there anymore and even half of them had deactivated due to website not caring about them anymore. I don't know if DeviantArt changed or not, I do not care for it anymore and I don't ever intend to go back.

After letting go of that website it felt like I finally had a chance to fix myself and get my life sorted. But, doing this also gave me the issues of lacking communication with those I used to talk to a lot. I kept feeling like I was saying the wrong things and some of the time I was. Sometime two years ago on discord there was one instance where I was trying to console someone and I said something wrong by accident. I tried apologizing and overexplaining what I did was wrong and I was mocked by someone else because they interpreted what I said as trying to make myself a victim. I ended up becoming mentally destressed because of it which eventually made me talk to people less and less until I became so paranoid about talking that I completely stopped communicating in group chats altogether. This and family issues that have been coming up that I don't like to talk about here.

It has taken me some time to finally start chatting to new people again and even with family and old friends I have. So @spookyhollowart , @unknowncreature19 , @rosebed69 , @1246114 and anyone else who I have been personally messaging for years, I'm sorry for the lack of responses I've been giving you. It's not anything you have done, I still have a lot of unresolved issues I need to sort out and that I might not always have the best response to give you when you need me. I just hope your all doing well and that life is treating you alright, I also want to thank you for being there for me when I needed it <3

[blazehedgehog]

I see you discovered Alex Hedgefox. I'm going to quote God of War, if he says it's snowing, he's lying. For years guy has wore a tinfoil hat obsessed with proving Ian Flynn is a "hack" because of a grudge concerning Archie, and enough times he has claimed he has changed only to return with his nonsense. Block him, and forget about him or his friends. You will earn nothing talking to them, they cannot be trusted.

Steps ahead of you, friend. I woke up to Alex and some of his friends in my Twitter mentions, I removed myself from the thread and blocked them all. Every now and then a new coward comes out of the woodwork to offer a childish insult and then instantly blocks me in order to prevent me from even trying to reply. It's high school freshman behavior.

The simple fact of the matter is, somebody I trust warned me of Alex after I signal boosted his findings. After revealing the kind of person he was, several more people have come to me to reiterate that he's bad news. Alex himself claims he wants to talk to me, but what is there to talk about? I already saw the smoking gun. You don't end up on the blocklists of several current and former IDW Sonic staff for being a nice guy making reasonable arguments.

I do not require people to agree with me. I like Ian Flynn's writing, but if you don't, that's fine. He has quirks. I am fine with those quirks.

Some people take it too far. Way too far. Some people fall so far down a conspiracy hole that they cannot be reached anymore. And some people simply want to believe bigoted, racist things and use those as an excuse to be exclusionary. And though Alex has deleted that playlist of Anti-IDW-Sonic sentiment, I can tell you it was THICK with complaints about "SJWs" and "DEI hires" and trying to shame IDW Sonic staff for being intolerant of fascist or racist ideals.

That's a bad look, both for the people who created those videos, and Alex, who took the time to find and put 250+ of them into that playlist.

I was simply told about this guy and warned to stay away. Even by you! Which I have been and will continue to do.

[justabigoldnerd]

Hey y'all, in just two days it'll be Grief Month, so I've decided to compile a list of things that people who haven't experienced the loss of a close loved one might not think about when writing grief in fiction.

*eye twitches*

This is definitely a healthy way to cope probably

ANYWAY (below the cut because TW for death and grief)

Absence. You notice what's *not* there anymore, and you notice it *loudly*. This is the big one that I don't see in a lot of media. The space just feels empty. Devoid. For a real life example, I had a beloved cat who would literally scream for attention because he didn't understand how to come up and ask for it. When he disappeared, I couldn't stop thinking about how quiet it was. Something was very obviously missing. So, make your characters notice the lack of the person they're mourning. A lag in conversation where they would've added a quip, the kitchen being silent when it was always bustling, a character who always left the TV or radio on passes and suddenly there is no show or song playing quietly in the background. The quiet, the absence, it's oppressive. It makes you want to cover your ears. Oddly enough, sometimes that helps. A song that covers this well is "Through Me (The Flood)" by Hozier.

Memories. This one seems obvious, but it's not just crying in bed to a photo of them. It's *avoiding* photos of them, reminders of them, rooms they've been in, places they've frequented. Everything that reminds you of them feels like it's tearing your body in two with rusty shears. I once locked myself in the middle bathroom of my house because being in any other room reminded me too much of my dog who had passed suddenly at 9 months and I had a panic attack fueled by memories of her. I couldn't even sing or dance anymore for a long time because that's what I was doing with her just the week before she passed. I've only recently been able to look at photos or videos of her again.

Time. In mid September, it will have been two years since my best friend, that 9 month old pup passed. I am still reeling with grief. Your body is a clock and it *will* remember when your loved one passed, even if your mind doesn't. You'll start to think of them more often, you'll start going through the cycle of grief again and you won't know why, until it hits you. It's that time of year again.

Blame. Irrational blame, specifically. You'll blame yourself, others, "if only I had been quicker", "if I had known", "if they'd have just locked the door like I kept telling them to", "if they paid closer attention", and even "If they'd have *cared* this wouldn't have happened." It's wrong, it's bitter, it's hurtful, but it's a part of that grief.

Keepsakes. Not your father's watch or your grandmother's blanket (which are still perfectly lovely and valid!), but the pants with holes in the ankles from my late dog's teeth, or the glasses with a crack splitting one of the lenses from where she grabbed them and took off. I was so angry at her for it at the time. Now they're some of my most prized possessions. I could never get rid of them. They still have her marks. In that same vein is the amount of stray hairs of hers I would find. I kept them all. Sometimes I would just sit on the floor and pick up her fur. The day I realized her fur had stopped showing up on my clothes, I sobbed.

Love. We all know the quote. "What is grief if not love persevering?" As beautiful as it is, I call bullshit. Grief is selfish. It takes all the love you have inside of you and covers it in cement because if it can't have it, no one can. It prevents you from loving. In fact, it made me hate one of my dogs, Petunia, for a long time. It wasn't her fault. She is a beautiful, sweet, sensitive little flower and I do love her now. But grief made me look at her and feel so much rage. Because that was supposed to be *my* pup, not this new thing. I still can't love in the same capacity that I loved Giz (my 9 month old pup, my best friend, my world). I love my dog, the dog that chose *me*, Laika, in a different way. She wormed her way past the walls that grief had built up and made a home in my heart. But Giz lives there too. Laika is my girl, but she'll never be my Giz.

That's all I can think of right now. I might add more as the month wears on and I remember things. Hope this was at all helpful and not just. Idk. Sad.