#maybe it was just my circle in 2018 who had that happen. but the reasons given were like. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dont-call-me-baby-posts · 3 years

Text

Blacking Out and Breaking Hearts - Chapter 27

Blacking Out and Breaking Hearts - Masterlist

Word Count: 8ish k

Warnings: OKAY YALL LISTEN. THIS CHAPTER TALKS MORE ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED W CHRISTIAN AND IT GETS KIND OF HEAVY SO PLEASE SKIP THIS ONE IF THAT IS TOO MUCH FOR YOU. THE NEXT ONE WILL BE OUT TOMORROW, SO PLEASE HOLD OFF IF YOU'RE NOT COMFORTABLE READING ABOUT THAT.

Summary: You are a successful musician, trying to navigate the world of stardom along with your complicated feelings for your best friend, Harry.

Alternatively: The one with the flashbacks.

A/N: Hey besties. The plan is to have a few back to back chapters the next few days as long as everything goes to plan. As always- please lmk what you think. xx

Song Inspo for this chapter:

Last First Kiss by One Direction

I'll Still Have Me by Cyn.

Chapter 27

I broke my back 'cause

I knew you would too.

I'd run in circles-

I know you did too.

Maybe in another life,

Everything worked out alright

And things that made this harder passed us by.

But there's no bad dream to wake up from,

Know I got it bad when it's the morning

And you're all that's on my mind

If I don't have you,

At least I'll still have me.

And if I don't have you…

At least I'll still have me.

I never thought twice

'Cause you were my number one

I put you first 'cause

You were my only thought

No more calling out my name,

No more whispers at the party,

Now my secrets only stay with me.

Everybody knows I'm upset.

They don't even have to ask it.

They know I believed in us last week.

There's no reason to speak badly,

We just reached our end.

I will see you in parts of me,

In who I was back then.

If I don't have you,

At least I'll still have me.

And if I don't have you…

At least I'll still have me, me, me.

///

Tail end of August, 2018.

A little over One Year Ago.

Rose-colored glasses didn’t even begin to cover it.

“When do I get to see you again?” Harry asked through the phone. Your cheeks lit up hot pink, the question illuminating the space around you so that every detail was seared into your memory. (More than a year later you would remember this moment down to the last blade of perfectly trimmed grass). You sat on Bethany’s back porch and you were homesick and scared and more than anything, tired. You were in LA, a city that had no charm to you and was too big and too noisy. You had two entire weeks off of tour, which meant that you were free from the shackles of that painstaking routine just long enough to catch up on sleep before jumping right back in.

Bethany had you stay with her this time around, deciding it would make more sense than staying in a hotel. You weren’t opposed, swearing to everyone that by this time next year you would have your own house in the City of Angels (which meant you had to save some money). So, a free place to crash wasn’t something you considered passing up.

An entire month had gone by since you’d first met Harry, and he was so much better than they said.

After your lunch out with him, you figured you might never hear from him again. And that was fine. You saved the paparazzi pictures of you together on your phone, your own private reminder that he was real and it happened and that was you under his arm. You were a hypocrite in that way, always hating having your privacy invaded like that but unable to stop yourself from scrolling through the photos in the back of your tour bus for days after you’d left LA. You looked short next to him. There was one photo, Harry leaning down into your ear, and you knew what he was whispering and no one else in the entire world did. No one. There wasn’t another soul on Earth who could look at that picture and know what was happening. It was something between the two of you, something small and inconsequential but also life-altering and special and private. It was yours. He probably didn’t even remember what he’d said. But you did. You set the picture as your home screen on your phone.

Harry texted you here or there, asking you about your day or what you were doing or if you were resting enough between performances. He texted you knock knock jokes. He sent you screenshots of memes he saw that he said reminded him of you. Eventually the texts turned into phone calls, and the phone calls into long and pointless conversations. Which brought you back here, to this moment.

“When do I get to see you again?”

“When are you free?” You responded.

And so it began. And before you could even notice it happening, all of the infatuation and anonymous longing you’d felt for him faded away into something you’d never be able to shake. You were head over heels, his words and his face and the memory of his hands on your arm sticking to you everywhere like tree sap, clinging to your skin no matter how hard you tried to wash it away. You were caught in his web, unable to think of anything or anyone else. You knew even then that nothing would ever be the same for you.

So, no. Rose-colored glasses didn’t even begin to cover it.

///

September, 2018

“You know, there’s something about you.”

You turned to face Harry next to you from the passenger’s side, unsticking your thighs from the seat. You smiled, the same shy, stupid smile you always did when you were with him. He looked away from the road for a minute, long enough to throw you a crooked grin. He was dazzling. The sun shone on him the way it only ever did in September, making his hair shine amber and caramel and bronze.

“What do you mean?” You asked, looking away so that you could force the smile off your face. You watched the white lines painted on the road move past you both. Harry spoke to you like everything he said was a secret, like he was confiding in you the things that no one else would ever know. Only you, and him, and the hills that waved alongside you. You were driving away from the sunset with no particular destination in mind, racing the sun as it was falling.

“Dunno.” He said. He couldn’t explain any further than that. “There’s just something about you. It feels different being around you.”

“Different in a good way?”

“A really good way.”

You pressed your forehead against the window. The glass wasn’t cool, instead warming your skin as what was left of the sun bored through it.

“You know how sometimes it just feels…” Harry paused, itching the tip of his nose. “Sometimes it just feels like you’re not even yourself. It’s like I don’t even know who I am sometimes.”

“I know what you mean.” You answered.

You felt yourself tense. You and Harry had grown close since you’d met not too long ago, but you weren’t sure what to do in moments like this. Moments where he spoke seriously to you about the things that were on his mind. It made you want to open up to him, too, but you couldn't bring yourself to. You were afraid that once you did you would scare him away and you'd never see him again. And you couldn't imagine a world that didn't have him in it.

But it felt good to be that person he confided in, and you wondered if he ever had these conversations with anyone else. Did he save all those things that kept him up at night for your ears only? He smiled, noticing your discomfort.

“Sorry.” He said, chuckling to himself. His knuckles turned white, his hands tightening around the leather of the steering wheel. “I just mean that it doesn’t feel like that with you.”

“What do you mean?”

“Nothin’.”

“What did you say?”

“I just like how it feels with you.”

You couldn’t help the goofy laugh this time, coming out to take up all the space in the small car around you. You chanced a glance in his direction, Harry’s eyes still trained on the road ahead of him but a shy smile visible in his profile.

“Was that weird to say?” He asked. You opened your mouth to speak, to tell him no, no, no. It wasn’t weird. You wanted to hear him say it again to you. You wanted it in writing. You wanted him to say it again and again until the words started to sound funny. You could only giggle, still not used to the way it felt to be in his presence. Everything was a daydream. The sunset around you painted everything light pink. It was a rose-tinted evening.

Harry laughed along with you, scoffing at you for your lack of response. “Forget I said it!” He squeaked. You both only laughed harder.

“No!” You were able to shout out eventually, wiping the tears out of the corner of your eyes. “No. It wasn’t weird. I feel the same way.”

“You always laugh when you’re nervous.” Harry pointed out.

“Sorry.”

“No, I like it.”

Harry’s hand reached over, tucking the hair tickling your cheek behind your ear.

///

Early December, 2018

One Year Ago

You and Harry had tucked yourself away upstairs like an old box of hand-me-down clothes. You stayed there so long that you forgot there were even other people in the house, the noises of the party below you not nearly enough of a distraction to tear your attention away from the way Harry looked tonight.

You were so in love with him.

You were infatuated and silly and soft for him and all of the other things that you never wanted to be for a man. You tried not to be, but it was impossible. Especially when he looked at you the way he was right now, like you were the only person alive that he had any interest in talking to.

You hadn’t seen Harry in a month or two, strictly because of a conflict of your busy schedules, and you had been literally counting down the days for this moment right here for weeks now. It was better than you dreamed, seeing him again. (And you had dreamt about it). Being in the same room as him somehow made you feel peaceful and nervous and dizzy and calm and everything else all at one time. It was overwhelming in the best possible way. Seeing him now made your fingers tremble when you tried to pluck at the guitar he’d set in your lap.

“It’s not much yet, but I feel pretty good about it so far.” You told him, cheeks burning with all the adoration and embarrassment like that of some giddy school-girl crush. He was laid out on his stomach, head propped up on his hands. He just nodded, giving you a reassuring smile the way he always did. You didn’t want to play anything for him, let alone sing, but he had insisted on it. “You have such a nice voice.” He’d hummed, eyes closed. You were only telling him a story about tour, about how you had seen one girl pass out right in the front row. You furrowed your eyebrows. “What are you talking about?” You’d asked him, laughing but only to cover the fact that you were stumbling over your words.

“I just like listening to you talk, s’all.” He explained. You both were sitting on the floor of his bedroom, the lamp on his night stand making it so every surface in the room looked warm and freshly baked. You were facing each other in a criss-cross, his knees nearly touching yours every time he bent over in a laugh. He made you feel like you were actually funny, always giggling at the things you said even when you weren’t trying to make a joke.

You hadn’t known what to say to that, so you just squeaked out a “Thanks?” before continuing in your story. Once you were done Harry leaned forward again, this time his knees fully pressing into yours.

“Will you sing for me?” He asked you. Instantly you started blushing, thanking the low light of his bedroom for doing what it could to hide that fact. You had tried for a while now to forget about the crush you’d had on Harry since you were a preteen, and it worked for the most part. But nights like this, nights when he snuck you away at his own party and whispered to you about all the gossip he’d heard recently and asked you to sing to him in that voice… It was impossible to ignore it.

“Noooooo…” You told him, shaking your head quickly. “I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I’m shy!”

“I’ve been to like three of your shows! I’ve heard you sing before!”

“That’s different…”

He rolled his eyes, leaning away so that his knees pulled away from yours. You could still feel, even just through his knees caps that had barely kissed yours, his body heat seeping into you. It made your heart flutter and your eyes will to close, just so you could enjoy it.

“Well, I like it when you sing.” He huffed, pulling his knees up to his chest now. “And anyway, I think you’re cute when you’re shy. So it won’t bother me at all.”

“I’m gonna mess up.” You further reasoned, leaning back onto the palms of your clammy hands. You could see headlights flashing through his bedroom window on your right, probably people leaving. The soft light lit up Harry's profile, making him look like some kind of angel on Earth. You hadn’t even realized how much time had passed since you’d both come up here but you guessed it had been long enough now that people were starting to head home for the night. Tires crunched outside like white noise. Harry had missed almost the entire party, upstairs here with you.

You couldn’t even really feel bad for taking up so much of his time, because he was sitting here in front of you looking the way he did and calling you cute. He always did that, but you knew he didn’t mean anything by it. He called Logan’s new clothes “cute”, too, when she’d show off a new outfit. He called your handwriting “cute” when he’d snuck a glance into one of your songwriting journals. He always said stuff like that, but only because he was trying to be nice. That didn't make it tingle any less, though.

“You mean to say you can sing for thousands of people every night but you can’t sing for me? There’s not even anyone else here!” Harry begged, throwing his hands around in his debate. “Just one song and then I’ll leave you alone about it.”

“It’s different singing for you.” You admitted, cheeks pained by how hard you were blushing.

“Why?”

“Because I get nervous around you.”

“Why would I make you nervous, Y/N?”

You knew why, but you couldn’t say that. Because he was him. Because you were totally knee-deep in love with him and he had no idea. Because he said your name that way he did.

You just shook your head, not wanting to answer. He raised an eyebrow which forced you to grumble a short “Because!”, which did very little to satisfy him. He leaned forward, gesturing for you to give him your hand. You did so without hesitating, discreetly wiping your sweaty palm on the carpet behind you. He held you by your fingers in the way you do when you’re about to kiss someone’s knuckles.

“Why would I make you nervous?” He asked again. For the foggiest second it seemed like he knew why, and just wanted to hear you say it. But that was insane and you knew it. You were imagining things, pining after him so badly that you were looking for any and all indications that he might actually feel the same way. You knew he didn’t, but it still crossed your lovestruck mind.

“Because you’e Harry Fucking Styles, that’s why.” You decided on saying, knowing how much he hated it when you called him that. You got the reaction you wanted out of him, a low, rattling groan coming straight through his chest as he threw his head back in exasperation. He pinched his eyes closed as he dropped your hand, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“I wish you would stop calling me that already.” He pouted, crossing his arms over his chest. “You’re one of my best friends and it makes me feel weird when you say that. It’s just me, okay? Just Harry, without the rest.”

But that was exactly the problem. He was just Harry. He was Harry, who let you paint his toenails pink when he sat backstage with you before your show in Memphis. He was just Harry, who ordered you your favorite drink at restaurants without even having to ask what you wanted. He was Harry, who every once in a while would touch your arm or your hand or your waist in passing and make your entire body heat up. He was Harry, who made you want to turn yourself completely inside out and back again whenever he made eye contact with you. That was the problem.

“Okay, fine.” You moaned, pulling at the bags under your eyes as you ran your now unheld hands down your face. “But just one!”

That was when he flipped himself around onto this stomach, eyes looking up at you as if he was seeing stars for the first time. Your bones felt hollow and light, and you wanted him so badly to reach out and touch you again just so you wouldn’t float away. Your day-dream head was filled with all of the little things you liked so much about Harry, and you worried genuinely as you looked at him that you might lift off of the ground and bump your brain into the ceiling.

You fiddled with the strings, plucking random notes here and there before subconsciously stumbling across an old, familiar melody. It must have been locked somewhere in your brain and dragged out by sitting here with him. You tried not to smirk at yourself, knowing Harry wanted you to sing one of the songs he always bugged you about that you scribbled into the off-yellow pages of your notebook. You couldn’t let him pull them out of you that easily, though.

“It’s not much yet, but I feel pretty good about it so far.” You said, taking a deep breath in as if you were nervous. (You were nervous, but not because you were singing some song no one had ever heard before). You started strumming, noticing right away when Harry’s brows scrunched with recognition.

“Baby I, I wanna know

What you think when you’re alone.

Is it me, yeah?

Are you thinking of me, yeah?”

Harry, who had been propped up on his hands in childlike excitement, rolled over onto his back as soon as the first line came out of your mouth. He kicked his feet in a tantrum, but you acted as if you didn’t notice. (It was funny, because in some weird way, that night had been the first time you would ever call Harry “baby”. If you counted that…)

“We’ve been friends,

Now for a while.

Wanna know that when you smile,

Is it me, yeah?

Are you thinking of me, yeah?”

Harry’s hands flopped onto the ground, his chin tipping towards the ceiling so that he could barely see you through his brows.

“You’re teasing me.” He moped, though you could see a small lop-sided grin forming across his face. But how could you not tease him right now, especially when it made him smile like that? Singing one of his old One Direction songs to him was something you had always wanted to do but never had the chance to, and the opportunity was simply too good to pass up. “Last First Kiss” just so happened to be the first song that came to mind, for some weird reason…

“Girl what would you do?

Would you wanna stay?

If I were to sayyyyy….”

Harry rolled his eyes, shaking his head at you. You got to the chorus, triumphantly strumming the chords you had ingrained in your very bones since adolescence. Harry gave up on being grumpy, realizing he wouldn’t be getting what he wanted today, letting his eyes fall shut as he started singing with you.

You weren’t sure why, but he looked so different when his eyes were closed. Maybe it was because you had the chance to appreciate all the other parts of his face when you weren’t so distracted by his gaze. You watched him sing a song he had probably long forgotten, his eye brows pinching and his mouth opening sideways the way it always did when he really sang with his chest. He almost looked like he was remembering something, something he hadn’t thought about in a long, long time.

Eventually you stopped singing without realizing it, letting Harry take it away like only he could.

“And if yoooou

only kneeeeew…”

Once the chorus was over you stopped strumming, setting the guitar down next to Harry laid out on the floor. His legs were bent at just the right angle so that the headlights outside flashed just the tops of his knees.

“So what do you think?” You asked him then, a teasing smile on your face. “Do you think it should go on my new album? I worked really hard on that one.”

“It’s decent, I guess.” He smirked, “Sounds kind of familiar, though.”

“Sampled some of it from this old band…” You carried on, crossing your arms. “They’re, like, super underground though, so you’ve probably never heard of them.”

Harry let out a soft chuckle, the sound like an earthquake that was threatening to bring your entire foundations to its knees. He flipped himself back over onto his stomach, moving himself even closer to you in the process surely without meaning to. He looked up at you, his hands flat on the floor as he propped himself up on his elbows.

“What made you think to play that song?” He asked, his face soft and expectant. His eyes blinked up at you. It wasn’t exactly the reaction you were going for so you just shrugged your shoulders.

“Dunno.” You croaked, heartbeat tightening your throat. His fingertips were barely touching your criss-crossed leg, but that didn’t seem intentional. Even still, it made you want to take flight and sail away. “I just thought of it, I guess.”

He just stared at you for a second, looking back and forth between both of your irises as if he wanted to say something else.

“I haven’t listened to that one in a long time…” He finally breathed, his throat bobbing as he swallowed. It was almost like he was steering you somewhere else with this line of questioning, but you weren’t sure where to follow it.

“It was the first song I ever learned to play on the guitar.” You admitted, Harry finally cracking a smile then.

“Really?”

“Yeah, I watched this girl on Youtube play it like a million times. I practiced it every day after school until my mom made me stop.” You shared, feeling that same release of tension you always did when you shared something about yourself with Harry. You had always been so worried to do that before, but now it seemed easy. Whenever you did, he gave you this wide, starry-eyed gaze like he really cared about what you had to say. He was doing in right now, actually.

“That’s adorable.” He said through a smirk. You could tell he wanted to tease you about it, but he stopped himself. “What’s your mom got against good music?”

You lit up, a giggle traveling up your spine and making your nose wrinkle. “Nothing! She loves One Direction. She’s probably your biggest fan.”

It was embarrassing, but it was true. She knew just as much about Harry as you did, always buying you any magazine she saw on her weekly trips to Target that had their faces on them just because she knew it would make you smile.

“I think she just got tired of listening to the same song every night. And I wasn’t very good at it, either, so that didn’t help” You added with a grin. Harry shook his head.

“I wish I could’ve heard you sing it then.” He smiled.

You snickered at that, shaking your head. “No, I promise you don’t. Even my mom didn’t like it and she’s supposed to like everything I do. Think I ruined the song for her.”

“You might have ruined it for me, too.” Harry sighed, moving to sit up again to resume your previous positions. “But in a good way.”

You smiled, even if you weren’t sure what he meant by that. Probably that now he would always listen to it and remember you poking fun at him, not that it sounded like he listened to it very often. You weren’t sure what else he could have been implying.

“You know my mom cried when Zayn left the band.” You carried on, wanting to keep the conversation going so Harry didn’t have a chance to gauge your shaken-up reactions to what he was saying. “I came home from school and told her the news and she was so upset my dad had to send her upstairs to go calm down.”

You left out the detail that you cried that day, too, walking out of your science class.

“She sounds like someone I would like to meet.” Harry laughed. “She seems lovely.”

“You’d like her, I think.” You smiled, imagining a scenario where Harry would actually come home to meet you parents. Not that he ever would. Still, you wondered if he would like them. You knew your mom would embarrass you somehow, and you couldn’t even imagine Harry’s reaction to walking into your old bedroom and finding his face still plastered across your walls. “She’d be over the moon about it.” You told him, meaning it so genuinely.

You couldn’t wait to go home and call her, just to tell her about this conversation. “All the hours of practice finally paid off,” you imagined saying to her about the song you’d sang just now that she’d been forced to listen to for hours on end. “And Harry Styles thinks you sound lovely.”

“I’m sure I would.” Harry agreed. “I look forward to it.”

The door swung open, drowning out all of the butterflies and heated cheeks and heart palpitations that had filled the space around you. Logan was standing there, hair frizzing and eyes wide. She was practically panting, an open-mouth smile on her face.

“Best. Party. Ever!” She exclaimed, rushing into the room with sloppy feet. She plopped herself down, kicking out her legs to form a literal boundary in the space between you and Harry. “You guys missed everything!”

She collapsed back onto the floor, arms outstretched to her sides as if she was sacrificing herself to the intensity of the night. LA suited her well. Harry smiled at her appreciatively but threw one glance over to you that held something unspoken in it as Logan recounted the evening’s events in great detail.

“What were you guys even doing up here, anyway?” She suddenly questioned, you and Harry literally not getting a word in edgewise since she’d barged into your moment. “Hm?” She raised both her eyebrows in suggestion toward you, making no effort to hide the gesture from Harry. He let out a little, boyish giggle.

“She was singing!” Harry answered for you, pointing to the guitar still on the floor.

Logan stuck out her lower lip. “Oh.” She huffed, unimpressed. "Sounds boring."

///

December 9, 2019.

Two days after Margot’s party.

Harry was spotted walking around downtown, his hands shoved into his pockets with his chin shoved down into his chest to avoid the camera’s lens. He was wearing a black baseball hat and track pants, bundled up in a puffy yellow coat.

You hadn’t seen the pictures on purpose, you swear. You hadn’t allowed yourself to search his name in that inviting little bar at the top of the screen, stopping yourself every time you opened Twitter as it had become somewhat of a habit.

This time, you just happened to see the pictures by some rotten stroke of bad luck. It was your choice, though, that you stopped to look at them.

The past two days had been spent primarily in bed or at Bethany’s office. You woke up, went to work, and then came back and sat in the same space. Your bedside table was stacked with dirty dishes and a pack of Logan’s cigarettes you’d taken to smoking the last few days just to give you something to do. If you could just go to Anders’s house then at least you would have something to rearrange or organize or clean. Cleaning your own house just didn’t hit the same, and you couldn’t bring yourself to do it anyway once your bed had set its sights on you.

You scrolled through the pictures, brain and body numb as you took in what you had seen a million times in a million different ways. The same cheekbones. The same chin. The same ears.

You zoomed in and out around different features. You looked into the background, trying to figure out what store he was coming out of or what restaurant he was on his way to. You looked at the seams of his jacket, even. You looked at what little you could see of his face.

The last picture was the only one where you could see his entire face clearly. He was looking up at something, his eyebrows furrowed with his mouth opened in a half-formed word. You could see his little bunny rabbit teeth. You wondered who he was talking to…

You zoomed in on all the details. The creases on the back of his fingers. The hairs that stuck out and flipped over the edge of his hat, just above his temple. And it was as you were staring at this particular photo that you spotted the phone in his hand, screen lit up either by notification or maybe an accidental touch.

You zoomed in, recognizing the moment immediately that was immortalized via his lock screen. You knew that picture. It wasn’t that long ago that the photo had been taken, but it felt like ages and decades and miles and galaxies had passed since then. It was that day you’d spent in bed all morning and into the afternoon and into the next day, wrapped up in comforters and talking about everything and nothing. You talked about planting flowers. About running away.

It was the morning he said he wanted to marry you. The morning you talked about the farm.

It was you, sat up amongst the crisp white of your comforter, wrinkles memorized into the fabric from hours and hours of doing nothing but laying around. You had thrown on one of Harry’s shirts because you’d gotten cold…

You knew the picture because he showed it to you after he’d taken it. You pulled the shirt over your head, one eye squinted half shut and hair sticking up at every angle around your sleepy, love drunk head. You had a half grin on your face when he’d surprised you by taking that picture. He’d flipped his phone around, giggling proudly. You grumbled to him, something about not taking a picture when you hadn’t showered yet, but he didn’t care.

“Jus’ want to remember this.” He’d told you, mouth forming a half-baked, tired grin.

“I’d rather you forget.” You groaned back at him, tossing a pillow into his shoulder. “Delete it.”

“If you insist.” He sighed. He threw his phone down onto the bed, leaning forward so that his hands cupped your cheeks. “You seem kind of grumpy for someone who just had sex twice.”

You blushed, trying not to smile.

“I’m not grumpy…” You swore, your words cut off when Harry’s lips melted against yours. It was lazy and it was soft and it was beautiful. You didn’t remember why you were in a bad mood, maybe because you were thinking about leaving Harry to go on tour, but nonetheless all the grumpiness went away once he was on you again. You remembered it so clearly, every detail and sound of fabric rubbing against fabric as you fell into the bed with Harry tucked between your patted legs.

“Forever, sunflower.” Harry moaned against you, repeating what he’d sworn to you just that morning. You didn’t respond, wrapping your arms tighter around the back of his neck. “No matter what.”

You blinked hard, forcing yourself back into the present moment. In the same bed. The same sheets. The same amount of sunlight seeping in.

It was that picture of you, from that morning, set as his lock screen. No one else would be able to tell, probably, it just looked like any other girl. But you knew it was you.

You closed your phone, laying onto your back because you weren’t even going to try to stop the tears anymore. You surrendered to them as fully as you had surrendered to him once upon a time. Some amount of time passed before it stopped and you rolled onto your side as if nothing had even happened at all, cheek against moist pillow case.

Cry, roll over, sleep, cry again, look at your phone. You didn’t know what to do with yourself anymore. You could force yourself to eat, but you weren’t hungry. You could go take a shower, but that seemed like a lot of effort. All there was to do was scroll through Instagram to watch everyone’s lives unfurl into perfect scenarios that seemed so much better than yours. All there was to do was scroll or sleep or cry or masturbate, and even that seemed like too much work. You’d just end up thinking about him if you tried to do that, anyway.

You gave up, realizing the day had come and gone just like the last one and every day before that. Oh well. You flipped onto your stomach and closed your eyes, face smushed into the mattress so hard your nose hurt. If you could just make yourself fall asleep again you could finally take a break for a few hours and try again tomorrow. Tomorrow you would feel better. You’d even take a shower.

///

You stood on a front porch, a soft orange glow over your head. It looked familiar, but you couldn’t place it. You looked down at your feet, watching them literally melt into the concrete of the front step. You tried to lift them, but you couldn’t.

Someone came out to stand in front of you. You didn’t feel scared, you felt… peaceful. You looked up to find Harry looking down at you smiling the way he always did.

“Where have you been?” You asked him, though you didn’t know why. He put his hands on your face, brushing your eyelids and cheekbones and nose. Soft touches everywhere.

“I was waiting for you.” He answered calmly. You tried to reach out and touch him, only to realize your hands were melted into the brick wall behind you the same way your feet were.

Harry leaned into you, placing a soft kiss onto your upper lip. You smiled against him. Finally, you thought.

He kissed you deeper, but it didn’t taste like him. You tasted… cigarettes? You opened your eyes, pulling up to look at Harry in front of you.

But it was him. In horror, you realized it was Christian you were kissing. You tried to scream but you had no voice. Christian noticed your fear even through your silence.

“I’ve been waiting for you.”

He kissed you again, and you couldn’t stop it. This had happened before, you could sense that strange feeling of deja-vu. You tried to push him away but now your entire back was fused to the wall of the house you were in front of. His house.

You kept trying to speak, but nothing came out. It happened exactly like it had before, his hand gripping your face harshly when you tried to look away.

But this time he moved his grip to your sides, moving his hands into your shirt. His hands lifted the fabric, molding to your skin. He gripped your stomach, your hips, your breasts. You couldn’t stop him.

This has happened before, too. It was a memory. He kept kissing you even though you didn’t move your lips along with his. He pressed his hips into you and you could feel all of him against you. He continued palming your breasts and you swore this had happened before.

Finally you ripped your hands from the bricks behind you, shoving them hard against his chest. He barely flinched.

“Harry!” You screamed. You tried to look around but everything beyond the gray front step was pitch black. “Harry!”

No one came.

“Please, Christian. You’re scaring me.” You whined. He took a step back, leaning on the wall opposite you.

“Why, Sunflower? You asked for this.”

///

You shot up in bed, a cold sweat encompassing your body. You threw the covers off, as if worried there were still hands on you somewhere. You panted breathlessly, rubbing your sleepy eyes. Your head was pounding.

What the actual fuck was that?

You collapsed back onto the pillow behind you, gasping for breath. It wasn’t real. You were fine.

But it was all too familiar. It was like you were remembering something. You wired your eyes shut.

“Stop it.” You said out loud, only for you and your ceiling to hear. “No, stop it.”

It wasn’t just a dream. It was real. It happened. It was real.

Wait. Stop. It was only a kiss, that was it. He kissed you and you pushed him away. You’re mind was playing tricks on you. But you could see it so clearly now, you were remembering everything. His hands on you, his hips pressing into yours. The air was cold on your stomach, because your shirt was lifted a little in the front.

“Stop it!” You spoke again, gasping for air. You rubbed your eyes. That part didn’t happen.

But it did, didn’t it? He kissed you and then… and then..

You played back the sequence of events, trying to take in steady breaths through your nose. You remembered him kissing you, you turning your head to get away…

Christian grabbed your face, turning your chin back to him and kissing you again. You regained control over your body, pushing him hard. He stumbled away, barely able to keep from falling to the ground.

That was it.

But it wasn't, was it? You thought harder.

Christian grabbed your face, turning your chin back to him and kissing you again. You regained control over your body, pushing him hard…

No, something happened before that. You knew it did.

Christian grabbed your face, turning your chin back to him and kissing you again.

And you froze, didn’t you? You froze when he grabbed you like that, and you let him kiss you. You let it happen.

And you didn’t pull away. He released his grip on your face, because you didn’t stop him this time, and he moved his hands to your sides. He touched your stomach under your shirt. The air was cold…

His hands moved up your shirt. They started paying at your chest, your back, your ass. And he was still kissing you. He pressed his hips into yours. He was hard against you.

You regained control over your body, pushing him hard. He stumbled away, barely able to keep from falling to the ground.

“What the FUCK?” He yelled.

Oh god. Oh god. No. No, this wasn’t happening. Everything started swirling around your head, faster and faster and faster. Like flashes of light, moving so quickly they eventually made one moving picture.

“I might try it again with her now that she’s good and drunk… all alone with nowhere to go.”

Oh god.

You fumbled for your phone, the light blasting you right in your eyes. You pulled up Safari.

Christian and Y/N, you typed.

Nothing.

Christian and Y/N kiss.

Nothing.

You closed your eyes, trying to think clearly. Bethany and Tom had the images scrubbed from the internet, you’d never find them. You pulled up the contact on your phone before you could stop it, knowing what you had to do.

“Hello?” You heard a sleepy voice. You tried to speak but couldn’t. You took a deep breath, forcing your eyes closed.

“The pictures.” You managed to choke out. “Do you have the pictures?”

There was a silence.

“What pictures, peach?” Bethany answered finally. She yawned loudly in your ear.

“Of me and Christian. You and T-Tom, you scrubbed them didn’t you? You guys still have the pictures somewhere, right?”

You thought you were having a heart attack. Your chest felt so tight you honestly felt scared, like you were about to die.

“I’m sure we have them somewhere, sweet pea. Why do you ask?”

She didn’t seem mad that you woke her up. That was good. You swallowed.

“I need them. P-Please, I need you to find them and send them t-to me. Please.”

She was quiet.

“I don’t understand why I should do that.”

“I need them, Bethany. Now, please.”

You were desperate, so much so that your voice was shaking. Your entire body was shaking, actually.

“I’ll be in the office tomorrow-“

“Bethany I need them now.”

You were sobbing now, harder than you could remember crying in a long time. You choked and sputtered and continued begging, Bethany whispering gently in an attempt to calm you.

“Hey, hey… it’s alright.” She hushed you. “I’ll find them, okay? Give me ten minutes.”

You nodded, not thinking clearly enough to realize she couldn’t see you. Once she hung up you sat up in your bed waiting. You were almost screaming, you were crying so hard.

Logan came tumbling in, flipping on the lights. Her hair was like a halo around her head as you looked at her with wide eyes. She was panicking, jumping into the covers quickly and pressing you into her chest.

“What’s going on?” She gasped, stroking your sweaty hair. You could hear her heart pounding in her chest, you must have scared her. You couldn’t speak, so she just kept making shushing sounds against your hair.

“Is it Harry?” She asked, not pulling away. You shook your head. Not Harry. Harry was safe. Harry was always safe.

“Ch-Christian.” You coughed against her.

“What are you talking about?” You prodded, finally releasing you enough to hold you out in front of her. Her eyes scanned your face. “Please just tell me what happened?”

You shook your head, forcing your eyes shut. Your phone suddenly dinged and you snatched it quickly, the movement making Logan jump in surprise. You unlocked your phone, opening up the pictures. The images filled your screen as you scrolled through them.

“What are you doing?” Logan continued, sounding increasingly more afraid as time went on. You didn’t answer, scrolling to a picture that caught your eye. They were small, and grainy. They were barely visible as it was, but still you zoomed in as far as you could.

“Look!” You said, turning the grainy image around to Logan. “My stomach! You can see it, look!”

She squinted at the screen, then back at you. It was hard to tell with the angle, but it was there. A sliver of your abdomen showing, your shirt lifted in the front. No one would have noticed it if they weren’t looking for it.

“I don’t know what-“ Logan began, confused still.

“My shirt!” You yelled, letting out a heartbroken sob. “My shirt!”

She looked again then locked the phone and set it down. You didn’t fight her, you’d seen enough already. She held you back to her chest.

“My shirt…” You continued blubbering into her. “His hands were in my shirt. He was touching me…”

She shook her head.

“It’s okay. It’s okay.” She tried promising, but it was empty. It wasn’t okay.

“It’s my fault.” You whimpered, your lips feeling numb. Your whole body felt numb. “I let him, it was my fault.. I-I didn’t stop him.”

She kept talking, but you couldn’t hear her. You just shook violently in her hold.

“Do you want me to call Harry?” She asked. She didn’t know what to do, you weren’t calming down. She must have been resorting to desperate measures if she’d ask you that. “Hey, do you want me to call him?”

“No!” You managed to shout, pulling away so you could see her eyes. You needed her to listen. “No! He can’t know about this, he can’t.”

“Y/N, you know he’ll come if I ask him…”

“He can’t know!” You yelled again. She nodded, looking small and afraid. Her bottom lip started to quiver. She wrapped you up again, laying down so that she was holding you against her chest. She stroked the top of your head, whispering soft things to you. You thought you heard her start to sing, but you couldn’t really tell.

You wanted to throw up. You cried so hard it nearly made you gag, air barely makings its way into your lungs. You wanted to claw at your skin, to tear it away in chunks until it all came off. You felt dirty.

You let him do it. He kissed you and you didn't want him to but for some reason you just... froze. You let him kiss you, and then touch you. You let him press his hips into yours. And he was hard.

Harry could never know about this. The one thing that had caused him so much guilt- it was your fault. You let Christian do that to you, and you threw it back in Harry’s face. He could never know.

It was your fault.

///

Sounds of cars driving by. Sounds of the wind in the trees. Sound of Logan playing Christmas music while she made another batch of cookies you wouldn’t eat. Sound of your phone ringing.

Smoking cigarettes was a little too easy now. Who knew it would only take a few days for it to become such an easy habit? Logan didn’t seem to mind that you’d blown through most of her stash, and if she did she didn’t say anything.

Feeling of cold air on your left cheek. Feeling of thick fuzzy socks and that same pink throw blanket thrown over your shoulders. Feeling of the soft outdoor couch underneath you.

Logan had tried to talk to you about what happened a few times the last few days, but you weren’t in the mood. In fact, you hardly spoke at all unless it was declining another baked good she’d brought up to your room. Bethany must have known something was up with you after the other night because even she left you alone.

Taste of nicotine. Taste of toothpaste still in the back of your throat. Taste of things you wanted to say and couldn’t. Taste of shame.

Everything was strangely calm now. It was quiet. All of the things you were feeling kept coming in waves and the tide was pulled away from your shore for now. You didn’t feel anything at all. It was like you were tapped out completely. On the bright side, you weren’t thinking about Harry. You weren’t thinking about anything at all.

Scent of cigarette smoke. Scent of brownies or cookies or maybe muffins inside. Scent of December. Scent of missing home. Scent of the shampoo you couldn’t use anymore, still somehow clinging to your unwashed hair.

You looked around, having gone through all of the other senses. Smell, taste, hearing, touch. It was supposed to make you feel better when you were anxious to list all of those things, to “ground yourself”. It hadn’t done what it was supposed to yet, but you still had one sense left to try out.

You could see the concrete of your back porch. You pinched your eyes shut looking down at it, worried that if you focused too hard on it the cement might swallow you whole the way it had been almost every night while you slept. You tried again, looking out in the distance this time.

You saw trees, leaves rustling so that they looked like tiny pixels flickering on and off. You looked at the sky, how the sun was just starting to set and turn everything that same shape of light pink. It was a rose-tinted evening. You saw one singular bird in the distance.

You roll the end of your finished cigarette between your pointer and thumb, flicking it off to the side. You padded across the small space without looking at your feet to avoid the concrete and slid in like a ghost through the back door. Logan had her hair down in long, golden braids.

“Your hair’s getting so long. It looks so pretty.” You commented, going to sit on a stool seated next to the kitchen island. She smiled but she still just looked sorry for you, oven mitts on her hands as she playfully flicked the braids over her shoulders.

“Oh, me?” She sung, doing a little twirl. You laughed because you knew you were supposed to and leaned onto the counter so that your cheek rested in your bent arm. “I made you snickerdoodles.”

“I’m okay.” You declined.

“But they’re shaped like Christmas trees.”

“I’m really okay, thank you though.”

She sighed, throwing the mitts over to the side with enough force that they almost slid into the cluttered kitchen sink. She crossed her arms.

“I am going to say this to you as a friend. Because I love you.” She began, turning her chin up to the ceiling ever so slightly. She breathed harshly through her nose a few times before blowing the air out of her mouth. “I know that this is a lot to handle right now, and I know that I have no idea what this feels like for you. But if you don’t eat one of these fucking cookies then I’m calling Bethany and your mom and Harry and telling all of them that you’re starving yourself.”

“Logan, stop it-“

“Eat a fucking cookie!” Logan screamed. You jumped, instinctively pushing yourself off of the counter to sit upright again. Logan’s chest heaved up and down, a shaking finger gesturing to the pan on the oven. She started crying no matter how much she tried not to, her body shaking as she tried to be stern with you.

There was nothing else Logan could do to help you right now and she knew that. All she could do was put on Christmas music and put braids in her hair and bake sweet things and try to get you to fucking eat something.

You nodded, standing up and walking over to the tray. You picked up one of the trees that was particularly well tree-shaped, taking one big bite. You smiled at her, because you knew you should, Logan wiping her eyes with the back of her bent wrist. You finished that cookie and then another one, just to make her happy.

///

Harry Styles Tells All: Fine Line, Having Sex, and Being Sad

Article By Chance Carter. December 10, 2019.

Carter: So what can you tell us about the album? It’s only a few days out now, I’m sure you’re pretty excited.

Styles: I am, I am. For sure. Um, yeah. The album is something I’m really proud of and I’ve been looking forward to having everyone hear it for a long time now.

Carter: So what can you tell us about it so far? From what we’ve heard, it seems to be a bit of a breakup album. Would you say so?

Styles: Erm, no. Not really. I mean, I think we all write from personal experience, so obviously I’m going to talk about the things I’ve been through. But I wouldn’t call it a break up album, no.

Carter: Well is that something you’ve gone through recently? A breakup?

Styles pauses, contemplation set on his face.

Styles: No. Not recently.

Carter: Allow me to ask about Y/N, then, because there’s been a lot of speculation about the two of you in recent months. Care to set the record straight?

Styles: Set it straight about what, exactly?

Carter: About the two of you. Were you a couple?

Styles shakes his head, eyes angling down to his lap for a split second before recovering.

Styles: No, we weren’t.

Carter: I see. There just seems to be a lot of conversation surrounding your friendship. Fans think she wrote her song “Carnival” about you, have you heard that?

Styles: I have, yeah. (He clears his throat, scratching the tip of his nose.) But I can’t be the one to say if there’s any truth to that. She’s an amazing songwriter and I… uh, I admire her immensely. If she was going to write a song about me I’m sure it would be incredible. But we were never a couple, so it wouldn’t really make sense for that song to be about me. (He pauses again, shrugging his shoulders. His face flashes with a rehearsed, superstar smile.) Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, though. It’s an incredible song. But we’re only friends.

Carter: Feels like the two of you have been saying that for quite a while now, haven’t you?

Styles: A long time. Yeah.

Carter: And there’s no chance that she might have feelings for you that you don't know about? You are Harry Styles, after all, I’m sure you have no short supply of admirers.

Styles: I’m not going to speak on her in that way. She is a human being. (Harry shakes his head, visibly upset by the question.) Y/N is lovely and she is talented and smart and she is really, really kind. Whoever she is writing her songs about would be lucky to know her. Anyone would be lucky to know her. (Out of the collar of Styles’ shirt falls a thin, silver necklace. His hands come up as he continues to speak, ringed fingers tracing along the flower-shaped pendant.) But I’m not going to entertain whatever you’re implying the same way we haven’t entertained anyone else’s implications. She could, I’m sure, provide a wonderful interview for you and she could share as much insight into her album as she’s comfortable with. It isn’t my place to do that.

Carter: I understand what you mean. What else can you tell us about the album, then?

75 notes · View notes

strqyr · 2 years

Note

Wait wait wait.. in relation to your post about Raven and when she became the spring maiden and if she had her mask going back to strq/beacon days? I just had a thought but.. what if one of the reasons Raven left was because of the spring maiden thing? Maybe she and the Oz circle were training the maiden (maybe Raven was mentoring her? Like Qrow mentored Ruby and Tai mentored Yang.. that just leaves Summer to be mentoring someone, maybe she joins Raven? Or maybe not both possibilities are interesting for her character) but then something happened (not sure what exactly, the ideas range from grim attack from Salem to a training mission gone wrong.. there's also the crack idea that the inner circle decided maybe spring was too weak but that just seems not possible at all given what we know of the characters) and Raven became spring and no one else knew about it and that was sort of the catalyst for her leaving?

Also when I was typing out that it could have been a training mission gone wrong I couldn't help but remember.. Hazel's sister died in a training mission (this is pure speculation and crack theory but.. what if she was the spring maiden? It probably isn't true but it's interesting to think about)

Ahh I'm sorry for rambling so much👉🏼👈🏼 I just got the idea and wanted to see what you think of it

okay this is my jam and i know majority of the fandom is fully behind the idea that there was an unknown spring maiden who ran and then found the tribe and i complete understand why because that's what we've been TOLD

but! i believe there's still a good chance that it was raven all along. it helps when all this information is TOLD to us in the same volume that's very big on "don't just blindly believe what you've been TOLD, ask questions and find out information so you can confirm it yourself" and since we haven't SEEN yet what exactly happened, i'm keeping that asterisk there for the time being.

[also, because sources are important and i couldn't find them for the initial post: rtx sydney 2018 (27min) and rtx 2018 (53:30min). both are questions regarding when exactly raven became the spring maiden (the latter relates to her mask more) and both get a spoiler treatment.]

back to the topic at hand: i would not be surprised if being the spring maiden did play a part in her leaving, especially since it looks like she went into hiding the moment she returned to the tribe, keeping it on the move as to make it harder to find.

qrow also says that after returning to the tribe, raven gathered quite a following, and then he assumes that the spring maiden's arrival would have only made it easier, but it doesn't sound like there was another "spike" in terms of followers that would indicate when that happened. with other similarities shared between raven and the spring maiden (running away and abandoning everyone), it's a little sus.

and i love that you brought up gretchen because yes!! raven claims to have trained the spring maiden, and according to ozpin, gretchen died on a training mission, but exact details are not known. i'm not sure how their ages would work out, since i get the feeling that hazel is around the same age as strq, so they might be a bit too close to age for raven to train gretchen—unless strq were two years older and were told about everything by ozpin on their 3rd or 4th year already. i'm not too worried about the previous spring maiden being called 'a child' considering most of the main cast are 19 currently and are being referred to as 'children'... and hey, hazel called gretchen "just a child" so that kind of works out, too, if she used to be the spring maiden.

one other potentially interesting bit here is that raven admits she was sent to beacon to learn how to kill, so maybe that's connected? like, raven is sent to learn how to kill huntsmen -> raven claims to have trained the spring maiden -> gretchen dies during a training mission, and during a commentary, apparently the writers said that ozpin is still hiding something re: gretchen from oscar.

maybe raven was just bullshitting her way through that conversation and applying her own experiences so she didn't actually train the spring maiden (i.e. little bit of truth mixed into a lie), but she did kill gretchen (who was the spring maiden) during a training mission, and that's why ozpin was being secretive about it?

also, hazel and gretchen are twins, as are raven and qrow. qrow was super committed to ozpin's cause and was the most pro-ozpin of his followers, hazel was super committed to hating ozpin. they both seemed to have a bit of a blind spot for their sisters or like, this very clear image of them in their head that they weren't super willing to budge from? so it would track if gretchen was the spring maiden before raven. parallels, ya know?

question is, though, would it make sense at this moment to reveal more about gretchen and her fate, now that hazel is dead? would it matter to anyone else, at this point?

assuming that ozpin did not tell everything to oscar, and that there is more to gretchen and what happened to her, i would say yes, it matters, and only because of what hazel told oscar right before his death:

"no more gretchens, boy."

how can oscar—or anyone for that matter—make sure of that if he doesn't even know what exactly happened to gretchen? they're a bit past of training missions, and there's already bunch of 'children' involved and ready to get involved in this war, so it would make sense if "no more gretchens" is about something a bit more specific.

okay i'm done rambling now cos i'm not even sure if any of this makes sense anymore or if i'm just jumping from one end to another. i guess this is just a very long way of saying "yes, raven totally could have been the spring maiden already before leaving and it played a part in her departure, and maybe gretchen was involved somewhere there as well."

#rwby #rwby speculation #raven branwen #gretchen rainart #anon #ask.strqyr

21 notes · View notes

cooloddball · 3 years

Text

JIB9 (JIBCON, 2018) ANYALYSIS-PART 1

I never know how to begin these things so let’s just dive in.

Jensen and Misha enter the stage as Alex is leaving. Jensen commends Alex and Misha whistles and Jensen says don’t hurt my ears or something. And so it begin. Misha says he regretted it [whistling] immediately.

I’m hard of hearing you know why because I whistled. This joke didn’t land Misha. Sorry.

Jensen says “Hey” like he wants to say something to the audience but Misha does this weird thing where he runs his index finger down his nose and touches his chin.

I think this was Misha trying to communicate his disappointment that Jensen didn’t get the joke. He wanted him to get the joke. Misha e tries to find his seat so he could sit but Jensen catches on that Misha needs him so he says, “Hey what? I’m sorry I didn’t hear you.” Aww :)

Misha leans his ear closer to Jensen and says, and Jensen leans even closer and they have this back and forth banter about not hearing what the other is saying.

To mention something personal, I am usually very uncomfortable when people lean into me, I like my personal space unless it’s someone I’m really close to and even then not always will be with them getting up close and personal.. They seem okay with it so good for them I guess. Personal space who?

“I don’t understand your accent” Misha says. I don’t know if this is an inside joke because Jensen says “shut up,” playfully and they sit down.

Jensen applauds Alex and Misha whistles again and Jensen has to look away faux disappointed because they just talked about whistling. Misha!!! Stop being naughty.

Jensen even rubs his ears to show that he can’t hear properly. LOL.

That’s like super loud dude.

I actually find it really weird when Misha and Jensen call each other dude. It sounds unnatural because Jensen often calls other men-pal, bud, or man and Misha usually uses people’s names or says my friend so and so. So maybe this is what they call each other? I know when I talk to my bf or my friends I call them dude (gn) especially when I’m shocked about something. So, it’s not a biggie. Just noting this because they do this a lot with each other.

Misha does this super cute shoulder shrug with the biggest grin on his face. How can a grown ass man be that adorable. I don’t know how he does it but well he did it and it’s adorable. No wonder Jensen wants to put him in his pocket and take him home.

“I’m compensating.” And he looks at Jensen with this shit eating grin on his face as if challenging him and it’s like Jensen looks like he can’t breathe for a second it was literally three seconds.

“[compensating] For a lot of things that’s wow.” Jensen says. Misha keeps grinning. Of course Jensen would know what Misha is compensating for wouldn’t he?

Should we talk about Alex?” Jensen asks looking at Misha.

Loudly “Yeah.”

“No I don’t think so.”

What did you ask how was the pantheon?

Jesus I love their madness. They play off each other so well.

They say they are working on teaching alex to talk about inappropriate things. Side note: It’s funny though because Alex looks like their love child. He looks like Misha, and to some extent Jensen, his hair, sense of style and even the way he carries himself is all Jensen. So weird. What if –What if---nvm.

Jensen mentions he remembers his first season of spn. Misha looks at Jensen and says no you don’t [remember] and Jensen agrees that he doesn’t. Yes finish each other’s sentences why don’t you? He says he doesn’t remember that far back and Misha has this far away look as if he is trying to remember something and starts laughing and Jensen has this smirk on his face. IDK what is going on but these are moments I wish I could read minds.

The way Jensen is looking at Misha though.

So Misha mentions how Jared pranked Alex during the tattoo scene of s13x02. The moment Misha mentions Jared, Jensen stops smiling.

Knowing what we know now about the fallout I want to mention something. When Misha talks about Jared and his prank on Alex Jensen doesn’t seem too enthusiastic about that. Hmm and he circles back to talk about Alex then he calls Jared a toddler? But Misha makes it sound like Jensen was referring to Alex by saying easy prey .

Misha shows the face Alex makes when they are on set together because of the pranks and the jokes.

Jensen adds, “Do you know how many times I’ve seen you do that?”+ Jensen is so excited. I mean anyone who says this is PR then they are crazy. You can’t fake emotions like that no matter how good of an actor you are.

‘The way Jensen calls Misha ‘this one’ It sounds so couply. Like when one half of a couple says, “this one is always a crying mess when we watch the notebook” or something akin to that. Any that’s just how I interpreted it, I could be wrong.

And this is how Misha is looking at Jensen when he says “this one”

That moment when Misha touches the back of Jensen’s neck and Jensen touches his thigh and they think it’s too gay because because Jensen acts like he just touched dirt and Misha brushes off his thigh and smells it. Now that’s acting.

Jensen checks Misha out (he specifically looks at Misha’s arms) and then asks “how’re you doing bud?”

Misha says good and that cringe moment about clothes sharing starts and oh I can’t look…okay I had to look because cringe. But the way Jensen is looking at Misha is giving me the courage to and also I had to for the sake of this analysis I had to look.

“This morning Jensen was like, ‘hey, here’s that shirt you wanna borrow that shirt to wear to the convention today and I was like ‘no dude I’m not wearing your shirt to the convention to the convention’ and he’s [Jensen] like don’t worry it still has tags on it it’s fine. And I’m like no thanks , I’m not gonna wear your fucking shirt to the convention. And then at lunch I spilled salad dressing all over my shirt like sweet so thanks for the shirt.”

The whole time Misha is telling the story he’s not looking at Jensen he’s looking at the crowd. Jensen on the other hand is checking Misha out while biting his bottom lip. There’s a lot to unpack here.

Jensen: ‘I knew. Umm..”

Misha: “You are like Misha didn’t bring his bib today so…”

Jensen: “He didn’t bring his bib? We are probably having you know some pretty----no I was literally have a shirt that I brought that…cause I try to wear something new for every time there are pictures being taken of me just cause that’s the culture we live in now…”

Interrupting moose enters.

*I will do a comprehensive analysis on the clothes sharing confessions, lies and half truths in another post. Boy (gn) do I have tea.”

I think when Jared is giving Jensen the balloons Jensen asks him if Daniela or someone else sent him to join them but I think he came of his own volition.

Jared is asking Jensen to untie a balloon for him but Jensen doesn’t look too thrilled

Misha must’ve noticed the tension between those two so he asks, “how good a knot did you tie?”

Jensen’s like, “You know what? I tie a knot that a professional knows how to tie.” Okay kinky, tell us more about knots Jensen. (Sorry for this but knowing the A/B/O or rather the Omegaverse was started because of Jensen and now he’s talking about tying a knot and…you know what nvm)

Misha pretends that what Jensen is saying is sus so he and Jared have a back and forth wondering what Jensen is talking about as Jensen unties the balloons. Yeah sure Misha like he hasn’t tied …you know what? This is getting uncomfortable even for me. Can we move on?

But Jensen won’t let me move on because he’s like, “seriously that’s how you tie a knot.” Of course you’d know sir

Jared adds, “Or it’s not” can someone shut this man up, please.

Jensen doesn’t like his friend’s joke and he has something to say about it, “Did he have to join us?” Was this a joke? Was it serious? Who knows but recent events seem to suggest that he might’ve been serious but made it look like a joke.

Jared asks for one balloon and Misha tries to reach for one but Jensen keeps pulling them away so Misha can’t reach. This is so playful and adorable. Misha snags one finally then gives it to Jared. One flies away and he tries to reach for it but he’s not tall enough.

“Do you want some help?” Jared asks and laughs then Misha gives him the finger.

Jensen gets grumpy after Daniela brings Misha a colourless balloon so he hits it with his microphone then he hits his and sits on it and pops it. Fuck that was hot for some weird reason. I could watch him pop balloons all day.

Misha and Jared’s reaction when Jensen sits on the balloon.

Misha tries Miserably to pop his, Jared can’t look, Jensen is still grumpy but the more Misha struggles the happier Jensen gets and he even manages a smile.

This was hilarious though. Their face journeys.

Jared brings a watermelon and gives it to Misha but Jensen slaps it out of his hands and shows he doesn’t want him to do it from the way he’s waving his hand.

The only thing Jensen wants Misha to wrap his legs around is his waist, or his neck or shoulders or whatever. I don’t know which method of wrestling they prefer, I’m not a professional wrestler I mean I’ve watched WWE a few times but-

Jensen seems happy, I don’t know what Misha says to him before he sits but Jensen seems okay until…

Jared hands Misha the pink balloon holder and says, “You gonna want this for later,”

Misha doesn’t look too happy about it either but he’s always a good sport. Poor guy, so he plays a long and looks at the holder which interestingly is pink and phallic. I know Jared was joking and yeah the joke wasn’t that funny but Jensen is super pissed because he asks, “Is he?” looking at the balloon holder.

Jesus Jensen wtf? But I honestly understand him, I mean why would Misha need that weird cheap plastic thing when there was the real thing waiting someone in a pair of Levis.

Jensen says, “well… some parts of this” I can’t quite make out what he says.

Misha tries to make it a light moment by saying it looks like something horrible happened and that gets Jensen to laugh and then Misha bends over to uh..to drop the melon and the phallic object and Jensen’s eyes shoot right down the citrusy-juicy stone fruit goodness. He catches himself looks away and then looks at the crowd while chewing on his bottom lip.

Okay sexual jokes are fun but not every time Jared. I mean c’mon, not everything is a gay sex joke. This is the one thing that sells him out as a straight dude. He makes way too many gay sex jokes it’s not even funny.

They have this weird back and forth about Jared having some notes. Argh. It’s weird. It’s like they are fighting. You see how girls fight and act like like they aren’t fighting but you can sense the seething anger in the undertones of their voices? That’s the vibe I get here. Even Misha is confused because he keeps looking between the two wondering why notes are so important of a discussion that warrants a back and forth. Or maybe it’s just me. IDK.

Misha has to jump in and save the day “He’s [Jared] is just looking through for pictures] Misha explaining to Jensen why Jared has to read the script forty times while Jensen only reads it once. WTF is going on boys? You were doing so well before and now things seem totally awkward *cough*fallout*cough*

Jensen looks totally done like he wants to be anywhere but here, seriously look at him.

It gets so awkward so much so that Misha has to prompt a fan to ask a question. As I said earlier, no one is such a great actor to fake emotions. Jensen keeps proving my theory. Something was going on with j/2 that day and no matter how hard they tried to mask it, it came out and it wasn’t pretty. Then again, maybe it’s just me and nothing was going on.

A fan asks how they like stories to end and before he can answer, Misha quickly glances at Jensen then goes ahead and explains how he likes the story to leave him on a cliffhanger.

Misha has barely finished talking before Jensen chimes in with a “I Do NOT!” Look at Jared’s and Misha’s faces. Something was clearly going on and I think it had something to do with the show because Jensen didn’t seem okay since Jared came on stage. He says how he wants a finality to things otherwise jerks. They were clearly talking about the show, Jensen, for a good actor you are acting really weird. It is about the show because he says, “we are just dead” Something very weird was going on. Maybe at this time they already had had their meeting with TPTB in LA and he was told to take it or leave it and Jared and Kripke didn’t even hear him out. My poor baby, Do all the spin offs King and you should star in all of them like you deserve.

He even says that spn dying is not a finality. He looks super pissed. What did these people (Jared and tptb) do to him? They broke him. He was doing so well.

Luckily a fan asks them if they can dance so Jensen goes to the wheel and Misha gets up. I think he knows Jensen is angry and he has to try to make his man happy the best way he can. Jared is suffering from second hand embarrassment as am I. Jared can’t look, same Jared this is so cringe. But Jensen can’t help himself, as he is coming back from spinning the wheel he checks out Misha’s citrusy-juicy goodness again 🍑

Misha please stop. I love you but this is embarrassing. Okay so let me look at Jensen instead. He looks like those gentlemen waiting for the debutantes at a debutante ball because of the way he’s standing looking at Misha dance. Subtle sir. Very subtle. I mean if my friend was dancing like that I’d be laughing at them not watching longingly. Just saying, but that’s just me.

The way Misha looks at Jensen and starts rolling his hips. Sirs, can you not do your mating dance in public? There are children in the audience.

Even the way Jensen cues in the music so he can dance looks like he’s in the Victorian era asking the music master to play the song he asked to be cued in so he could dance with his sweetheart or something. Am I going crazy? I’m going crazy.

The whole dancing scene was just cringe.

Mish explaining what Castiel does when the boys go to sleep

Hold on, when Jensen asks what Castiel does when the Sam and Dean are asleep in their respective bedrooms, he made sure to emphasize respective bedrooms and we all know the reason why. Stay speaking facts king.

Anyway, when he asks Misha to demonstrate for us what Cas does, did he expect that Cas stands there peeping into Dean’s room and wanks or what did he expect? Honestly I’m just curious, what did he want Misha to demonstrate exactly.

Then he gets up to demonstrate it himself .

When Misha says that the episode will be called ‘I’ll just wait here ten” Jensen unicorn laughs and when he realizes he was laughing to hard at Misha’s joke he says, ”I don’t get it.” Yeah sure Jensen it was clear from how hard you laughing to the point where we could see your tonsils that you didn’t get it. Good one. Misha maintains a serious face and even shakes his head.

A fan asks Misha what Castiel would have in his room. Misha says just a bunch of catnip. I don’t know what is so funny again that it warrants Jensen to hide his face because he’s trying not to laugh too hard. Does the word catnip or Cas being a cat mean something to you? Is it because Misha is cute like a kitten? Do love to rub his tum and hear him purr? Does he rub his nose along your beard like a cat would? What is so funny?

Then Jensen adds, “and kitty litter.” So adorable. I want in on the inside joke.

Misha says that he would have a poster of a cat hanging from a tree that says, “Hey it’s Monday” and Jensen laughs so hard. Then Jensen makes sure to add, “he has that poster in his trailer.” How do you know?

Why are these two dorks so happy about the mention of AU Cas?

Then the way Jensen is excited about asking Misha for a demonstration of AU Cas

WTF am I watching? Help. But the eye fuck and the way the laugh.

Look how hard Jensen is laughing when Misha says what went through his head is that “they met at a club.” Pray for Jensen. He needs help. Serious help because no one is ever that funny all the time Jensen.

You can see how Jensen’s mood changed after Jared said that is the best acting he has ever seen Misha do. Jared seriously read the room. That part of the video has been discussed before so I won’t get into that.

The way Jensen’s eyes widen when Jared says Misha really wants to answer the who is your rock question. It is subtle but it happens. He also raises his eyebrows as if to say “really? leave my husband alone.”

Okay did Jared expect Misha to say Jensen was his rock or??

Jensen is acting weird through Misha’s answer. He’s mostly stoic, like he’s holding his breath? Can I also mention how handsome Misha looks? But I like Misha’s answer and it’s so beautiful that he married his best friend. Everyone who wants to get married should marry their best friend. What do I know though? Marriage is a foreign concept to me.

Jensen asks how many mothers there are in the audience.

Jared carries on with “how many of us have mothers?

Misha: That’s quite an impressive turn out. So many people didn’t raise their hands.

“They are like no I was genetically engineered in a lab.” Okay hear me out. Jensen knows what you know who believe that his kids and Jared’s kids were made in a lab because they couldn’t stand to copulate with their wives because of how much they hate them because Jared is his on true love. If you didn’t know this I’m sorry to divulge this disgusting piece of information to you but you can’t unsee it now so you are welcome. I swear I think this was a jab at them, no one can convince me otherwise.

Even Jared and Misha’s reaction to that is pretty telling. Then Jensen adds “And some of you probably were” I think he means those soulless fans who send their wives and kids threats and also hate on Misha every chance they get. Go off king.

He talks about how his wife is also his rock aww Jensen

Remember how Jensen was being weird during Misha’s answer? Misha is being weird as well, mostly stoic and looking at a fixed spot on the ground. I want to know what was so interesting.

Oh that micro expression from Jared, his right eye widens the moment Jensen says “I have some amazing pebbles in my life.” Did he think Jensen was going to out himself? He was like oh shit oh sit it’s happening.

The glee on Misha’s face when when Jensen calls him a pebble aww Jensen.

I know what I’m about to say is controversial but I think that by pebbles Jensen meant Misha. It doesn’t make sense that he was comparing his wife and his friends. The only person he would relate his wife to is his husband. I know this sounds crazy and people will definitely not be happy about this but that’s my opinion.I I know he loves Jared and he is his bro for life so if he was referring to them both wouldn’t he have pointed to them both?

Jared talks about how sometimes he doesn’t want to burden the people he really loves with what’s on his mind all the time and Jensen points to himself in a very aggressive way. Jesus Jensen way to be subtle. Fuck. Also Jensen nods vigorously when Jared says look for your pebbles because sometimes pebbles are what you need to get back to your rock.

It’s time to sing a hbd song and when Misha asks Jared “did you volunteer for this?” That’s when Jensen places his hand on Misha’s knee and says “I got it” He’s like, babe seriously? You are gonna ask Jared to sing when you know I got the voice for it? Seriously? I’m right here babe. I sing to you every night and you gonna do me like this? I got this and you are mine.

He caresses that leg and gets very comfortable on it, draping his arm from the elbow down on it. Possessive much? It’s clearly not the first time he has parched on that leg. The hand was on that leg for 1 minute and 15 seconds. Yes, I counted.

The intimate way in which Jensen and Misha they are seated is so awkward that Jared scoots away from them.

Damn, son. Jensen’s vocals are out of this world. So good.

Jesus Jared “Deeper, deeper feel it” Is that what they were screaming through the hotel walls last night? Tell us more.

Misha is so uncomfortable and Jensen is so done.

So overall this part was basically cockles being cockles, Jensen being possessive of Misha, Jared being Jared, Jensen being done, the girls are fighting and Misha is the referee.

That’s the end of part 1.

Part 2

#cockles #j2m #cokles jib9 panel #jib9 #jibcon 2018

230 notes · View notes

wherethingscomebackx · 4 years

Text

Top 25 Larry Fics of 2020

h 2020 was HELLISH. So thank you to all the writers, and I mean ALL of them, who kept us occupied as the world continues to burn.

You may be familiar with these lists:

Top 25 Larry fics of 2016

Top 25 Larry fics of 2017

Top 25 Larry fics of 2018

Top 25 Larry fics of 2019

We’re going on our 5th year!! As always, I read a lot of fic and the majority of it is Larry. I like making lists and I like Larry so I thought I’d do some minimal research of the top 25 larry fics published/completed in 2020 in order of least to most kudos (with links). All of these fics are top notch so you should all check them out!

25.) a trail of honey through it all by @yvesaintlourent (27k)

The boy in front of him, well really, the man in front of him, was like something out of a confusing wet dream. Built, tall, tan and muscular, his skin glistened with sweat after a long day of working outdoors with his hands. He was wearing a cut up old American football shirt, the bottom hem was torn and the sleeves were cut off to the point where the t-shirt was really just a loose tank top. The shorts he had on had clearly been full length jeans at one point, and were now just crudely cut off above the knee. His white socks were pulled up too high on his calves, and the brown work boots he had on were old as fuck, the leather peeling along the edges of the soles. Curly brown hair stuck out from the edges of his backwards snapback, and there was a smudge of grease wiped along his brow bone. The smattering of hair along his jaw proved that he hadn’t shaved in a week or two, the hair growing in thicker across his upper lip and around his chin. His sinfully bowed mouth was pink and plump, and Louis was suddenly hyper-focused on the way that he chewed at the toothpick stuck between his lips. He looked like he needed a shower. Louis wanted to lick him.

Or, the TPH fic we’ve all been waiting for.

24.) even the best laid plans by @falsegoodnight (25k)

“Anyways,” Louis stresses, narrowing his eyes, “just let me say it and then rate how terrible of an idea it is on a scale from one to ten.”

“Alright,” Zayn agrees, sitting up expectantly.

“I want to ask Harry Styles to take my virginity,” Louis blurts, holding his hands out for emphasis.

The way Zayn’s eyes bulge is almost comical. “Negative infinity,” he says, voice choked. “Negative infinity times negative infinity.”

“Technically, a negative times a negative is -”

“Really negative infinity,” Zayn corrects himself, shaking his head wildly. “Louis, what the fuck?”

Or, Louis wants to have sex with someone and decides Harry is the perfect alpha for the job.

23.) A Distant Hazy Light by @greenfeelings (76k)

Life’s pretty ordinary for Harry. He lives with his best friend, got into university just like he’s planned, and manages to support himself just fine for an unbonded omega. If he sustains that lifestyle by getting paid to help alphas through their rut every now and then, that’s nothing to be hung up on. Until he’s hired by an alpha that turns everything upside down.

Or, Harry’s working on taking Louis’ walls down, until he builds his own up.

22.) Ghost Note Symphony by whoknows (96k)

Louis is on tour when he first hears about it. It’s all over the news – Harry Styles Attacked By Fan runs in headlines for days. It’s not even just the gossip rags, either. Actual journalists are covering the story. It would have been impossible to avoid hearing about it. Technically, Oli is the one who tells Louis about it, but it’s not exactly being covered up. Harry doesn’t answer Louis’ text asking if he’s alright, but that’s not really surprising. They haven’t spoken for months, and it’s been a lot longer than that since they’ve had a real conversation. The sting of the text going unanswered is still there, less painful than it might have been a few years ago.

It’s not that it’s easy to forget about, exactly. Louis has a whole life outside of One Direction now, though. So Louis goes on with his life, figuring that if Harry was seriously hurt he would have heard about it by now. He might currently be in the same country as Harry, but being on opposite sides of it puts enough distance between them that putting it in the back of his mind is easy. There’s nothing Louis could do, even if he thought Harry might want him to.

That’s why everything that happens next comes as a complete shock to him.

21.) Until by @allwaswell16 (38k)

Rural Eagle County, Colorado wasn’t the type of place to find a famous musician or actor. At least not until songwriter Louis Tomlinson showed up with pop star Niall Horan to visit his uncle’s horse ranch, and they just happened to find themselves next door to a reclusive former movie star.

20.) Strangers in Love by sweetums (42k)

Louis wakes up to find himself in a marriage with the last man he thought he'd ever end up with.

Prompt 51: An amnesia fic where louis and harry were enemies to lovers but after an accident, louis only remembers those memories that him and harry hated each other. now harry has to fix it. I think something like this less dark and less angsty compared to other amnesia fics and it could be funny

19.) A Long Way From The Playground by Pink_Sunsets (170k)

One Direction is broken up. They broke up five years ago. That should be the end of the story, right?

Harry is finished with One Direction. He now has a new life, one with two kids and a successful solo career. And he’s happy.

But a call one night from management flips Harry’s whole new life upside down, and he’s forced to face the life he had left behind.

As well as a certain blue eyed man who had left him behind.

18.) my love’s not simple (it’s fragile) by @falsegoodnight (27k)

“Can I take you out tomorrow?” he asks. “My shift ends at 7 but we can go for dinner at 8.”

Louis is silent for a few seconds and then, “Like… on a date?”

Harry swallows thickly. He hasn’t done this in years, hasn’t ever wanted to. “Yeah.”

He’s worried he’s misread things but then Louis raises his head to kiss Harry’s cheek. “Yeah,” he says easily. “Sure.”

Tension leaves his body swiftly. “Are you sure?” asks Harry. “I know we’re both so busy but I can’t not try with you, Lou.”

“Neither can I,” says Louis. “I think we can figure it out. I care about you a lot Harry. We’ve known each other for a week, but I already like you so much.”

Or Harry's new job is threatened by his impending rut. Desperate for a solution, he allows Niall to introduce him to Louis, an omega whose heat begins the same day. They click.

17.) Cocaine for Breakfast by @harryeatsburger (309k)

“It’s an easy job.” He continues, as if Louis wants to listen. “Like I said, a few trips. Parties, students, nothing dramatic.”

Louis gazes over to Harry. He’s looking thoughtful now, eyes on the green like he’s talking more to himself than Louis.

“Clubbing, drinks. Whatever, the business is just a side thing.”

That’s not how Louis remembers it to be, “You lying?” He honestly can’t tell.

Harry shakes his head slowly, meeting Louis' eyes.

“No,” He answers almost toneless. Harry clears his throat, “I won’t put you in any dangerous situation.” His voice is sincere, Louis can tell he means it, his jade green eyes glinting with truth.

or, - Louis Tomlinson is a drug addict, sent away from his beloved party-scene to recover. There, he discovers that small towns have just as much access to drugs as London did, plus something even better that he just can't get enough of. That something is a boy with green eyes and bouncy curls named Harry Styles. -

16.) Tastes like Strawberries by @sadaveniren (4k)

I’m stressed. I’m nesting and demand cuddles. Come over

Harry frowned and double checked who the text was from. Yup, it still said Louis - Grad, which meant it was from Louis from his grad school.

aka Louis texts Harry by mistake. It works out

15.) the way the storm blows by @rbbsbb (21k)

Louis doesn’t have a habit of thinking about Harry’s dick.

That would be weird, seeing as they’re best mates, and they share a flat, and they’ve spent holidays at each other’s family homes. Their friendship hasn’t ever risen to a point where Louis should want to see his mate’s dick, and he’s happy to keep it that way.

Except, all that Louis can think about is exactly that. The size of it. The shape. The amount of people it’s been in.

Maybe it’s the tequila talking, or the fact that Louis’ just recently walked in to an eyeful of Harry taking turns on some slags that he’s never seen before, but. Louis’ mind can’t stop obsessing over the idea.

14.) bruise you like a peach by @falsegoodnight (40k)

There’s two reasons Harry despises Econ.

The first is that it’s boring as fuck. The second reason is a bit more personal, a bit more focused in a way. As in it’s focused on one specific thing, or in his case, person.

His name is Louis Tomlinson.

13.) Watching The World Fall by whoknows (11k)

This segment has been going on long enough that Louis knows what’s coming before James starts in on it, trying to sell him on something he knows that Louis wouldn’t normally be buying. But there’s four cameras surrounding him, and an audience watching him expectantly, so if Louis wants to continue convincing people that he’s doing just fine, he’s going to have to go along with it.

“We have a whole host of single men backstage waiting to meet you, Louis,” James tells him. “We want to help you find love tonight, on Late Late Live Tinder. Is this okay? Do you want to play?”

It actually kind of makes sense that his first date after the break-up is going to be just as public as said break-up. Something like coming full circle.

“Alright, James,” Louis agrees, hopping down off his stool.

“Okay, come down to the stage,” James says. Louis can’t even tell whether the excitement in his voice is genuine or not. “Right now, come on down!”

12.) Quiet People Have the Loudest Minds by @2tiedships2 (38k)

Broadway shows were one of the few things that could keep Louis’ attention for a full two hours without needing to move about. But not tonight.

The alpha next to him was both infuriating him and practically turning him on at the same time. He needed to leave. The alpha, that is. Louis was staying.

Or the one where Louis is a nonverbal omega who has accepted the fact that he will never find an alpha that will treat him as an equal. On the other hand, he’s never met anyone like Harry.

11.) The Wrath of the Emerald Eyes by @purpledandeli0n (85k)

His chin is grabbed harshly, facing the two deep green eyes that have been getting on his nerves for the past ten minutes. The smirk on the man's face does not vanish. The grip of his hand on Louis' chin does not soften, his thumb at the side of his lower lip.

His smile widens as he answers Louis' question, ''My name is Styles, but you will call me Captain."

•

Pirate AU

10.) Canyon Moon by @eeveelou (40k)

For as long as Louis has remembered, he has been promised to be mated to Harry, his best friend and the future pack alpha. But Louis’s heart belonged to the forest and to the hunt more than he could ever imagine it belonging to Harry.

Then Harry’s father dies in a violent accident, and Louis’s future alpha disappears on the wind.

An A/B/O Lion King AU

9.) We Both Got Nothing to Hide by lovelarry10 (43k)

“Talk to me, Lou.”

“I can’t,” Louis mumbled, knowing he genuinely couldn’t say it. He couldn’t admit to what he was doing. “Don’t ask me to say it, because I can’t.”

“Then… I’ll try and guess. You’ve… got some stuff of Harry’s. Something of his to make it smell like him?”

Louis just nodded, eyes fixated on the floor. This was humiliating, but he knew Zayn wouldn’t stop until he found out what was going on.

“Okay. Like… a blanket, or a comforter or something?”

“Kind of…”

Omega Louis has a secret nest. Alpha Harry keeps losing his clothes.

8.) sleeping on our problems by @falsegoodnight (67k)

I’m in love with you, Louis thinks. He feels empty, weighed down by his sadness and the loss of Harry inside him just moments ago before his knot finally went down.

There’s moments where he’s sure Harry feels the same. Like now, when he’s gazing down at Louis with so much adoration and tenderness. It’s like they’re both on the cusp of something more, but neither of them ever say a word.

His confession is on the tip of his tongue ready to slide out like honey, and yet he remains silent. They both do, looking at each other and recognizing the reluctance mirrored in each other’s eyes. It’s then that Louis realizes they’re both scared.

Or Louis sleeps with Harry and they have more than just catching feelings to worry about.

7.) like it’s a game by @soldouthaz (32k)

there is little harry hates more than truth or dare.

and louis.

6.) before we knew by @falsegoodnight (39k)

“C’mon Lou,” says Zayn after a moment, He sounds even more exasperated than before. Louis sort of has a knack for exasperating people, especially people like Zayn who aren’t usually bothered by his brattiness. “Can’t you give this guy a chance? Harry Styles? Aren’t you curious about him at all?”

Despite his best efforts, Louis still flinches at the name. He really shouldn’t be so affected after all these years. He’s seen the name printed down the curve of his waist in obnoxiously and uncommonly large loopy letters every single day since his sixteenth birthday eight years ago. He’s very familiar with the name Harry Styles.

It sounds pretentious and Louis hates it.

He hates everything about his supposed soulmate.

He hates his large handwriting that stands out like a claim on his skin whenever he’s walking around shirtless. He hates his pretentious name. And now he hates his supposed curls and green eyes and dimples.

Or Louis has been skeptical of soulmates for years so it seems like fate when he finally bumps into the owner of the obnoxiously large signature printed into his skin since age sixteen: Harry Styles, a human rights attorney who is firmly against soulmates.

5.) Mine Would Be You by @crinkle-eyed-boo (114k)

Louis blinks his eyes open, his eyelids fluttering as the room swims around him. He takes several gulps of beer once he confirms that he’s definitely not hallucinating, that the very first portrait Harry Styles ever painted of him is hanging on that wall.

Louis stares at the wall, his heart jackrabbiting in his chest as he realizes that there’s not just one painting of him, there’s five, the portraits lined up like they’re some sort of storyboard depicting the rise and fall of his deepest love. His greatest heartache. A pain that cut him so deep that he left the fucking country, severing all ties with his life in New York, now suddenly surrounding him as if he’d never left.

Fucking shit motherfucker fuck.

Louis returns to New York City five years after he left it – and the love of his life – behind. He didn't intend to see Harry again, but fate has a funny way of pulling them together, whether they like it or not. After making a begrudging truce, they both start to wonder: Would it be so bad if history repeated itself?

4.) You’ve Got My Devotion (Hate You Sometimes) by @harryrainbows (95k)

Harry was in the biggest boy band in the world. He was also one half of the best (or worst, depends on who you ask) kept secret relationship in the music industry.

Now, almost five years on, after One Direction has broken up, and Harry and Louis' relationship has as well, a video threatens to put everything at risk.

One determined Irishman, a massive publicity stunt and two begrudging exes are all it takes to bring One Direction back to life and maybe, just maybe, Harry and Louis' mangled love life too.

Or: Harry and Louis are forced to fake-date after an old video from when they were dating emerges.

3.) The Space Between by @lads-laddylads (39k)

Harry Styles is the alpha rockstar who can’t sleep and doesn’t know why.

Louis Tomlinson is the omega PhD student who helps him figure it out.

2.) Nothing But You On My Mind by @absoloutenonsense (83k)

Louis Tomlinson is a PR manager hired to improve the image of royal bad-boy Prince Harry Styles. Unfortunately for him, that means being faced with the Prince's constant innuendos, incessant dirty jokes, and relentless flirting. Louis just wants to make it to Princess Gemma's coronation; once she's crowned Queen, his contract is up and he never has to see the Prince again.

1.) Collision by @tequiladimples (224k)

Mythology/Fairytale!AU in which Louis is a dainty fairy with a temper who wants to be intimidating and Harry hurts people. Naturally, they hate each other.

(Featuring Liam, the big and not-so-bad wolf who’s got a thing for humans, Zayn, a human with supernaturally good looks, and Niall, the cupid who just wants his job to be easier.)

#larry #larry stylinson #larry fic rec #harry styles #louis tomlinson #fic rec #one direction #1d #one direction fic rec #larry fan fiction #updated because I'm an idiot and added a zarry fic

968 notes · View notes

potteresque-ire · 3 years

Video

youtube

Happy Pride! 🏳️‍🌈 (June is Pride Month where I am 😊) For the occasion, may I recommend this animated musical short, 秘密港 Safe Haven, by the Beijing Queer Chorus (北京酷兒合唱團)? Published on the International Day Against Homophobia, Transphobia and Biphobia (IDAHOBIT; May 17th, 2021), the animation, with its lovely (and at times, heartbreaking) song, is about a queer person and their friend who tries to offer their support. The lyrics is English-subbed.

(Below the cut: a wish for the c-queer community; conception of Safe Haven, as explained by the Beijing Queer Chorus; CW/TW for homophobia, violence and forced abortion)

Background for my wish: with the recent Chinese government’s aggressive turnaround in its population control policy to combat its declining birth rate—on 2021/05/31, China further lifted the cap of number of children allowed per couple from 2 to 3 (the number was 1 for almost four decades, 1978-2015; the population control measure has therefore been colloquially called the “One Child Policy”), younger generations of Chinese are already feeling the pressure and fearing the consequences of non-compliance (for example, if the state levies heavy fines on non-child-bearers).

While I have not yet read articles that directly connect the major policy shift with the c-queer community, I imagine it may bring both relief and additional challenges. The relief will likely take time to come; the challenges, meanwhile, will likely be immediate.

This has to do with the root of antagonism against homosexuality in Chinese societies. Unlike in their Western counterparts, Chinese queers have consistently reported that family, instead of societal, pressure as the greatest challenge they face (societal pressure includes that from religion, from government etc). C-queers are expected to abide to the heteronormative traditions of opposite-sex marriage and child-bearing, in a collectivistic, conformist environment still strongly influenced by the Confucian notion that continuing the bloodline is the primary responsibility of a filial child. Men, especially, are under heavy pressure to carry on their family surname. Those who fail to do so are seen as irresponsible at best, moral failures at worst. They suffer anything and everything from constant nagging from their relatives, to ostracisation, to disownment.

A better known consequence of this cultural antagonism against homosexuality in the tragic Tongqi (同妻 “homo-wives”) phenomenon that is, perhaps, unique to China.

Tongqi are straight women who unknowingly entered marriage with closeted gay man, who often learn about their spouse’s sexuality only after the filial obligation of having children has been fulfilled. It’s a form of marriage fraud; women who file for divorce, however, are likely to lose custody of their child(ren) under Chinese laws, and so many of them keep mum. The gay men involved are also victims in many cases; the lack of public, open education and discussion of queer topics in the country mean even the queers themselves may not have a full understanding of their own queerness, believe that “straightening” themselves is something they can do with sufficient willpower and love for their family.

As one may expect, these marriages are mostly unsatisfying; psychiatric issues and intimate partner violence (IPV), which include verbal, emotional and physical abuse, have also been frequently reported. Just how prevalent are Tongqi’s in China that, in turn, reflect how many gay men in China are pressured to remain in the closet and get married? The following numbers may serve as comparison. In 2010, the percentage of gay men married to heterosexual women in the US was 15-25%. In China and in 2018, meanwhile, the reowned Chinese sexologist, sociologist and LGBT rights activist, Li Yinhe (李銀河), quoted an estimate of 80% of China’s ~ 20 million gay men were married to heterosexual wives; i.e. the Tongqi population amounted to ~16 million. Literature has reported a similar estimated size of the Tongqi population—at 13+ million, in 2016.

(Reason for the numbers being estimates: the exact size of the c-queer community isn’t known. China’s decennial census questionnaire from late last year (2020) once again excluded questions about its own LGBT+ community. "Room mate” is how many c-queers have to refer to their partners).

While the Chinese government decriminalised homosexuality in 1997 and its current laws carry no clauses that target the queer community—the official stance of Chinese government on homosexuality is currently 不支持，不反對，不提倡 “not supporting, not opposing, not advocating”—what may seem to be its non-queer-related policies have indirectly but majorly impacted the lives of c-queers. In particular, the “One Child Policy” has been hypothesised to exacerbate the challenge faced by c-queers, as the only child becomes the sole “next generation” available for producing grandchildren and extending the family bloodline.

Hence, my expectation / hope that the relaxation of "One Child Policy”, by lifting the cap on the number of children a couple can have, will bring relief to the LGBT+ population—even if the relief will only come years down the road, as the newer generations of c-queers will then have siblings to share their filial responsibilities.

However, this also explains my worry for now, for the immediate months and years to come, for not only c-queers but the younger generations of Chinese in general. My worry is about how, exactly, the state intends to drive its birth rate upward, and the hardship the new policies may bring.

The practices of China’s population control policies have historically been brutal. Forced, late-term abortions were common, for example. This is reflected in the country’s birth control propaganda banners, commonly seen in Chinese villages until late 2000s, which were infamous for their verbal violence:

“Beat it out! Abort it! Miscarry it! Just cannot give birth to it!”

Fines, which were levied on offenders of the One Child Policy, may seem like a better option but can place an unbearable burden on poorer families, of which there remain many in China. Premier Li Keqiang reported, in May 2020, that >40% of China’s population—600 million—are living with a monthly income of ~$140 USD or below, despite the glitz often seen in the country’s entertainment productions. Using One Child Policy era fines for reference, the famous Chinese director 張藝謀 Zhang Yimou was fined 7.48 million RMB (~$1.17 million USD) for his three children, in 2013. Defying the new population control policies may therefore be a privilege reserved for the very powerful and very rich. And the government is likely to be aggressive in enforcing its new policies—the social media accounts of > 20 feminist activists, who advocate for reproductive freedom among other women’s rights, have already been shut down in the recent weeks.

Will the Chinese government find ways to penalise members of the queer community who do not contribute to the new baby count? Will it turn a blind(er) eye to the Tongqi 同妻 (and to a lesser extent, Tongfu 同夫 ~ heterosexual men married to lesbian women) tragedies happening every day? It’s impossible to say yet.

For this year, therefore, I wish the c-queer community this—I wish it to be safe from the reach of China’s population control policies, whatever they will be.

Back to the animated short, Safe Haven, which is about coming out. In 2016, a 18,000 people survey by the United Nations Development Programme reported only 5% of Chinese queers had come out to people outside their families. Only 15% have come out to their families. A more recent survey reports a significant improvement in these percentages, with ~50% of gays, bisexuals and transgenders and 70% of lesbians having come out to their families (Table 2). Fully out queers remain rare (<10%).

There’s still, therefore, a long way to go. With queers often being out (if they’re out at all) only to their most immediate/intimate social circles, with the state’s censorship of LGBT+ presentation in visual media, many (especially older generations of) non-queers in China haven’t seen a living, breathing, outwardly queer person before. The process of coming out, by extension—what it means, what it takes for both the giver and receiver of the message—may have never entered the thoughts of these non-queers before.

What should they say? What should they do? What words and actions will convey support? What won’t?

Safe Haven is about these questions. I’ll end this post with a translation of the Weibo post in which the animated short was first published, in which Beijing Queer Chorus explained the project’s conception:

#517 IDAHOBIT# Do you remember how it was like, the first time you came out of the closet, or someone came out of the closet to you? Who was that person? What did you say at the time, and how did that person react?

The person who voluntarily exposes their heart requires courage. The person who receives the message may have their own heart filled with unease.

Maybe, both are thinking: “What should I do?”

Coming out is such an important occasion. It can, perhaps, change a relationship forever.

Some will welcome warmth and hugs. Some others will get their first taste of homophobia. Yet some others will find neither.

After a queer person came out to their friend, they got, in return, “Don’t worry. I’ll still treat you as a friend.” It made them uncomfortable for a long time. But their straight family and friends didn’t understand. How could this be not a kind thing to say?

What is gay-friendly? What is homophobic? It appears that everyone has their own standards. The same words and behaviours transmit warmth to some, deep offence to others.

So, when we’re talking about “homophobia”, what are we talking about?

To commemorate this years #517 IDAHOBIT#, the Beijing Queer Chorus interviewed its tens of members and their relatives and friends, in hopes of investigating the difference in perspectives between homosexuals and straight people. How can this barrier be crossed, how can they work together to take care of the valuable relationships.

In the stories of all interviewees, a warmth like this can be felt: even with the risks, there remain those who are brave enough to display their true self; even with the misunderstandings, there remain those willing to keep the secrets of others, willing to learn to understand a whole new world.

We condensed these stories into an original, animated musical short, Safe Haven.

We hope every boat riding the winds and waves can find a harbour to unload their secrets. We also hope every person has enough gentle strength to be the safe haven for others.

We offer our best wishes to every queer who lets their heart be seen ~ may your courage reap its rewards.

We thank every friend and family who have treated these hidden matters of the heart seriously. You make the world a better place.

#pie metas #lgbt #pride 2021

102 notes · View notes

jikooksgirl19 · 4 years

Text

My Soulmates 1

Genre:Soulmate AU, fluff,angst, eventual smut

Pairing: Idol Jimin x Lawyer Reader x Idol Jungkook

Warnings: some swearing (Y/N has a trash mouth sometimes)

A/N: I’m so excited to bring you my story. I hope you all enjoy this first chapter.

Please read the teaser and prologue first if you haven’t already.

*********************************************************************

October 7, 2018 4:36pm

The boys had been practicing since 8am that morning with limited breaks, and were tired and hungry. They were all going to dinner and begin making their way to the elevator, laughing and joking with each other. Namjoon was deep in thought when the doors of the elevator opened and a woman came out barreling right into the midst of the group. Her head was down, and she seemed absorbed in something on the iPad she held in her hands when she must have realized what she had done. Namjoon heard her gasp and reach out towards Jimin and Jungkook and thought she might be trying to steady herself as they were reaching out to her as well. He couldn’t believe it when they all began collapsing on the floor, the other boys trying to catch them. He noticed that the three were still grasping onto each other, and a red ring began to encircle their ring fingers and travel up their arms. The other boys were staring at this as well and they looked at each other shaking their heads. All of them mumbled the same thing

...”Oh Shit!”

You felt warm and cocooned for some reason. It was so cozy and you didn’t want to wake up. Wait, when did I go home? Your thoughts were hazy and you were trying to figure out where you were. You tried to stretch and found yourself bumping into something hard. As you started groping around you realized that this was not your pillow at all but felt like a chest. A mans chest. You have never moved so fast as you just did sitting yourself up. “What the hell...!” You look and see you are on a bed with not one but two boys cuddled up around you. Fear immediately sets in as you look around the room and see sleeping figures on another bed and couch.

“What the fuck...!” You said out loud quickly slapping both your hand over your mouth so as not to awaken the men in the room. You are in bed with, and surrounded by BTS. They are the worlds most famous boy band. They are the Nations Treasures. THEY ARE YOUR CLIENTS!!! Your mind explodes right then and there. You think to yourself ’What Tumblr, A03, Wattpad fanfic did I just wake up in.’

‘OH MY GOD IM IN A COMA!!!! That has to be it. There cannot be any other explanation. I’m in a coma and I transported into some sucky ass wannabe Hallmark Movie’.

All you can think of is that you have some sort of brain tumor and have fallen into a life altering, dream fugue-like state and all your teenage and young adult fantasies are blending together therefore you have conjured up some poly bias delusional weirdness in yor muddled brain. This isn’t real...this isn’t real... this isn’t real....... You pinch yourself and...oh shit that hurt. You struggle to get off the bed which isn’t easy by any means when two pairs of arms AND legs keep trying to pull you back down. You debate screaming bloody murder when you hear someone speak.

“You’re awake”. You turned your head and saw someone sitting up rubbing his eyes looking at you. You recognized the leader of said boy band Namjoon from the many many posters around BigHit.

“I am” your voice sounding more calm than you felt. “Can you tell me where I am and why I’m here with all of you like some weird slumber party?” You we’re holding on the the last shreds of professionalism that you could before screaming to the high heavens.

“You don’t remember finding your soulmates” he asked?

“Excuse me, my what now?” You cocked your head like you didn’t hear him right. “What on earth are you going on about? Soulmate, I don’t have a soulmate.”

“Soulmates” he corrected. By now some of the other members were starting to wake up.

“I AM in a COMA”. You were starting to babble incoherently in a mix of Korean and English with some well placed Spanish swear words your mother used to use when you were little and she was mad. You we’re starting to panic and began trying to climb off the bed all the while the two boys on your bed were snoozing away like nothing was happening. You managed to fall off of the bed and skittered backwards like a crab til your back hit the wall. You slapped your cheeks willing yourself to wake up.

Namjoon looked next to him and asked “Jin can you call Yuna? I think she may be able to help out with...” he looked at you realizing he didn’t know your name. Jin got up and walked towards the window to call someone.

“Y/N. Sona Y/N.” I...I..I’m a temporary lawyer working at BigHit on some of your international contracts. I’d like to say nice to meet you but maybe when there’s a less murdery vibe and location.” You were quickly getting your bearings together and began to gather your composure. “Now can you please tell me why I’m here being cuddled to death by those thing one and thing two over there” you point towards the bed. Several giggles and laughs were heard at this. You on the other hand were not sure what was so funny.

A deep voice in the corner answered this time. “Well thing one and two as you called them, or as we like to call them Jimin and Jungkook are your soulmates “ he said matter-of-factly like it was everyday normal. “I’m Taehyung, you can call me Tae or Tae-Tae to piss them off if you want.” His big boxy grin made him look like a mischievous child You couldn’t help but give him a wary smile. Someone else, you think it was J-Hope came towards you and thrust forward a hand. You cautiously took it and he helped you up from the floor. You began dusting off your skirt and straightening your blouse internally thanking the almighty upstairs that you were still clothed while eying all of them suspiciously. “I’m Hoseok, but you can call me Hobi if you want.”

Jin turned around after hanging up and offered you the only chair in the room. You quickly shuffled over sitting down and tried to ask again why you were here. In a bedroom, on a bed with your soulmates and their band mates all in the same room. “ Can someone please just tell me what happened?” Your voice staring to crack as you were close to tears. “This just feels too extrodinary to believe. You keep saying I have soulmates, as in plural. I didn’t even know that was possible.” It was then that you looked at your left hand and saw the red string tatoo. “WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS HAPPENING TO ME....Did I have a stroke? How...what...why...” your words became so jumbled you weren’t making any sense and you were pretty sure a panic attack was just a moment away from tackling your neurotic ass into submission. Jin kneeled in front of you telling you to breathe. “ In through the nose....out through the mouth Y/N. You can do it just breathe in and out, in and out...that’s it, you got it, in...out.” You sat there holding his hands while Tae began rubbing your back in circles as they were trying their best to calm you down. Jin explained to you that he also has a soulmate named Yuna and she is ready to come talk to you about what being attached to an idol can be like.

Across the room you heard a groggy voice “Uugghhhh....get off me Jungkookah. Why are we in bed? What happened” could be heard from the bed you just left. Jimin was sitting up while shoving Jungkook off of him and staring around the room. Jungkook fell off the bed. He jumped up and was getting ready to tackle his hyung who knocked him down when his eyes landed on you. He was confused as to why a woman, a very pretty woman, but a woman nonetheless was sitting in their studio bedroom at BigHit, surrounded by four of his hyungs. “Um, hello” he said quietly making Jimin look in the same direction. Eyes got wide when he also said a quiet hello and then proceeded to ask Namjoon “ What’s going on. Who is she and why are we all in here. I thought we were going to dinner?”

“See, I’m not the only one confused” you exclaimed louder and much squeakier than you meant. “Apparently we are soulmates” you say while gesturing to the both of them and yourself. “Surprise “ you say throwing up jazz hands and beginning to laugh at the outrageous looks on both of their faces.

“Who, who is your soulmate?” They both say at the same time.

Namjoon looks at you knowing you are barely holding on at the moment and answers for you. “All three of you are soulmates”.

They stare at each other then at you then at the group and both start laughing. “Ok ok, good joke hyung, stop playing around. Did you knock us out and this is a mystery mission? “ “Are we on a run BTS episode we didn’t know was being filmed?” They took turns asking like this was a prank or something.

When they see no one other than you are deadly serious they stop and start to freak out as well. “ARE YOU SERIOUS?” They look at each other only to both shout out that they couldn’t be soulmates. Why is it just happening now after knowing each other all these years. Brothers yes, soulmates no. NOPE. NO WAY, WHAT THE FUCK.

You get up and walk over to them. You grab both of their left hands and show them the tattoos. You peek inside your shirt and confirm you have the soulmates date above your heart, and tell them to check their chests as well. You strangely feel calm being around the two of them and less like a victim of some K-Pop Serial Killer drama that you stepped into, and you realize they also both settle down while you’re holding onto them.

Namjoon gets up and begins to explain that though it’s rare, there are known cases of multiple soulmates. They are harder to find because all of the mates must be together for their souls to connect. Once they do connect though the bond is stronger than a normal soulmates bond and can come with difficulties due to the relationship aspect of it. Prejudice often follows a poly soulmate connection due to the narrow mindedness of society and can often be looked down on. He tells the three of you that you should tell management right away so they can have a plan in place. Fans aren’t always supportive of their bias’s soulmates, and Y/N having two of the most popular idols in Korea as hers are going to come with challenges. Especially with you being a foreigner.

You three look at each other and back at Namjoon, silently agreeing to these terms. He also suggests you three need time together alone to get to know about each other because you all three had different lives leading up to today, and it would be best to figure out where you all should go from here. Other people’s feelings and relationships are going to be affected by what has happened and you all needed to be prepared for any backlash.

“Ok, now that this is all settled can we please get some dinner?” You hear from the other bed where apparently Yoongi has been napping throughout all the mental breakdowns.

To be continued...

Taglist: @mrcleanheichou @itsminniekat @dreamescapeswriting @seaoffangirling @4evahevah @sonderkook @bisexualmess007 @chxustuff @aviwasabi21 @skyys-universe @ally22042000 @ramblingsofawolfgirl

188 notes · View notes

rebeccccccaaa · 4 years

Text

𝕲𝖔𝖑𝖉𝖊𝖓

____________________________

𝕶𝖎𝖓𝖌!𝕭𝖚𝖈𝖐𝖞 𝖝 𝕶𝖓𝖎𝖌𝖍𝖙!𝕽𝖊𝖆𝖉𝖊𝖗 𝕬𝖀

𝕾𝖚𝖒𝖒𝖆𝖗𝖞: When the Queen falls sick and passes away, King Bucky must marry another, preferably the princess of an alliance kingdom nearby, in order to keep peace and order among the lands. However she is the most god awful human being anyone has ever met. Her guard however well she was definitely not what the king expected.

𝖂𝖆𝖗𝖓𝖎𝖓𝖌𝖘: making out? (part 4? smut next chapter [it was getting too long])

𝕬/𝖓: party party partyyy i imagine the reader to be wearing something similar to zendaya’s met gala look 2018 but in gold even though it’s far from accurate but hey it’s fan fiction.

𝖜𝖔𝖗𝖉 𝖈𝖔𝖚𝖓𝖙: 1.4k

part one | part two | part three |

_____________________________

It was the day of the king’s annual celebration with the many kings throughout the land. That also meant tomorrow Bucky would need to make his final decision whether to accept the hand of Charlotte or return home without a queen.

Before Bucky went downstairs to meet with his friends he stared at his appearance in the mirror. He wore gold fabrics with white and his sparkling golden crown bejeweled with diamonds, rubies, emeralds, and other jewels.

He also reminisced on the most recent time he’d spent with you.

You were running through the forest, giggling and laughing looking behind yourself to see Bucky not far from you chasing you like a predator. You swiftly moved through the trees with grace sticks and twigs hardly snapping under you while Bucky was far from stealthy. Branches cracking and crunching underneath him.

You moved behind a large oak tree hoping you lost Bucky. You peeked around the tree to see if he had stopped to search for you but when you looked he was lost in sight. You moved up a bit to look harder and yet he was nowhere to be found.

You moved back to spot only to find Bucky inches away from you scaring you.

“James!” you shrieked.

“You frightened me,” you pushed his shoulder.

“Is that so?” he moved his face closer to yours.

“Yes. Don’t do that again,” you cupped his face.

“But darling, it was hilarious. You should’ve seen your face. Priceless,” he leaned in to kiss you but you turned your face away.

“Oh come on,” Bucky grabbed your waist and pulled you close; nuzzling his face in your neck lovingly.

“No, you scared me half to death. I’m not going to kiss after that.”

“If I promise to not do it again will you let me kiss you?” you falsely hesitated making him chuckle at your antics.

“Fine.”

Bucky cupped your jaw and leaned tortuously slow. His lips brushing so softly against yours like he was dragging out time as much as he could possibly do himself. His nose brushing against your own as his lips moved more passionately.

You and Bucky had kept this secret affair since that day in the field where he kissed you. Charlotte had become more distant as time went on and at first Bucky had tried to continue getting to know her but she was always locked up in her bedroom reading letters from someone Bucky had yet to discover.

So he gave up and spent most of his time either with his friends or with you. It had gotten to a point where Charlotte and Bucky only saw each other for breakfast and supper when everyone would meet to eat together.

Her father would frequently ask of you two and Charlotte was always very quick to lie about what her and Bucky would be doing or talking about. Of course to appease the fellow king Bucky would play along.

Now Bucky and Charlotte would attend the ball together and neither of them were rather ecstatic about the idea. They didn’t exactly hate each other but Charlotte wasn’t fond of Bucky and Bucky didn’t like her childish attitude and behavior he often saw.

But nonetheless here they are attending a party together as if they were going to spend the rest of their lives together.

“Look at you. You look dashing,” Natasha said hugging Bucky when he emerged from his room.

“You look great, Buck,” Steve said, patting his friend’s shoulder.

“Impressive,” said Sam.

They headed towards the ballroom that was massive already filled with many wealthy people to lords and ladies and dukes and kings. People of many cultures too. Some were even rich traders and higher classmen. However, everyone was making the room seem a bit crowded.

Bucky eyes landed on Charlotte wearing a large baby pink ball gown that was quite beautiful he’d admit. She was standing with her parents as they greeted people entering the party. He hadn’t seen you yet but his heart was racing at the thought of you with a magnificent dress, dressed to the nines.

He greeted the king and queen as did his friends and he took Charlotte’s hand to lead her down the beautiful staircase to the party. There was live music playing so Bucky looked to Charlotte and asked her to dance.

She said yes and they began to move softly with the music. Something seemed to catch Charlotte’s eye as her mood changed quickly to be much more lively. Bucky searched for what it could be but was very distracted by you who had just entered the room.

You were ethereal. A goddess bestowed to bless everyone’s eyes. Bucky nearly fell over at the sight of you. You wore a golden dress similar to your knightly armor. Golden breastplate that covered your neck and shoulders, golden sheet covering your arms and circling your legs to leave a long golden train that dragged behind you. You were golden.

You haven't seen Bucky yet but you were very excited. He’s the reason you’re dressed for the party in the first place. You hate these parties because they were so useless and crowded and you just didn’t like them. But you wanted to see Bucky again and you were willing to sacrifice some of your time to this party.

You found Nat, Steve, and Sam; all aware of your a little forbidden affair, thankful they’ve kept quiet but they noticed how you’ve changed Bucky. He was more happy and looked like a man in love. You were perfect for him.

So they stayed quiet in hopes Bucky would configure some sort of plan so that you’d be capable of receiving his hand in marriage.

“Hey guys. You all look beautiful,” you said hugging each one of them.

“Back at you,” Nat said holding your waist, “Bucky’s gonna freak when he sees you.”

“Looks like he already has,” Steve said, turning his head towards Buck who stood standing and gawking at you.

You felt shy being under his hungry gaze, but continued to hold conversation with Steve, Sam, and Nat seeing as Charlotte was still with him.

“You should close your mouth, you’ll catch flies,” Charlotte said to Bucky.

“I’m sorry? I don’t know what your- your talking about,” Bucky whispered completely flustered.

“I know you’ve been sneaking around. I saw you two at the field when it first happened,” Charlotte whispered to Bucky.

“I’m so sorry I… I-” Bucky stammered.

“Don’t worry I haven’t told anyone,” she smirked.

“And why’s that?”

Charlotte looked to a boy who stood at the edge of the dance floor staring at them.

“The duke’s son,” Bucky said.

“We met years ago. Since then we’ve talked a lot; sent letters. I love him and he loves me. But we can’t be together.”

“Why’s that? He seems like a better candidate than I am. I’m old.”

This made her chuckle.

“My father wants me to marry a king. Henry isn’t.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. Truthfully, I know you love Y/n.”

“I don’t know if love um, you know, uh,” Bucky stuttered again.

“You love her. It’s ok,” Charlotte laughed.

“What if she doesn’t love me back? What if she thinks this is some sort of fling? Maybe-”

“She loves you. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her so happy before. It’s kinda weird; and gross. And someone like Y/n wouldn’t waste a breath on someone who could get her in trouble unless she loved them.”

There was a nice silence that settled between them until Charlotte spoke up again. He went to look for you again but he saw you walking back up the stairs. Were you leaving already? You hadn’t come to him yet.

“She’s not a party person; surprised she even came out. Go to her.”

“Thank you. And tell Henry you love him.”

“He knows,” she laughed.

Bucky stepped away and followed your path completely leaving the party and celebration behind him for you.

======================================

𝕿𝖆𝖌𝖑𝖎𝖘𝖙:

@velvetcardiganbucky

@chipilerendi

@heavenhatesme

@austynparksandpizza

@ahahafudge

@onlyhereforthefandomandgiggles

@smoochesfroggos

@thegeekybibliophile

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes smut #bucky barnes fluff #bucky fluff #bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader #bucky x y/n #king!bucky #knight!reader #royal au #marvel smut #james buchanan barnes #james buchanan barnes smut

164 notes · View notes

thetypedwriter · 3 years

Text

All the Young Dudes Fanfiction Review

All the Young Dudes Fanfiction Review by MsKingBean89

So.

This is a first.

If you’ve been following this blog for some time, then you know I generally read young adult books and write far too lengthy reviews on them with the occasional outlier of adult fiction, mystery, sci-fi, etc.

At any given time, I usually have both a physical book that I’ve bought from somewhere that I’m working on (right now it’s Firekeeper's Daughter by Angeline Boulley) as well as a fanfiction that I reserve until before I go to bed (my treat for a day well lived).

Fanfiction is something that I’ve mentioned copious amounts of times on this blog in varying degrees, but this is the first time I’ll be writing an actual review for one of them on this platform.

The reason for this is myriad.

One, this fanfiction called All the Young Dudes is a far-cry from your normal standardized fanfiction of 5-50,000 words-something I can easily consume in a few minutes to a few hours.

Nope, this behemoth ends on a staggering 526,969 words and 188 chapters, not including bonus chapters and extra in-universe canonical content the author has also written and published. Roughly speaking, if this was actually published onto paper it would be well over 2,000 pages.

2,000 pages.

Yeah. And I enjoyed every single moment of it.

Two, while I read a lot of fanfiction I generally don’t put any of it on this blog because while I’ve dedicated it to published novels, I also usually have very simple feelings about fanfiction. My thoughts run the gambit of: It was good, it was fluffy, it was a train-wreck, so on and so forth.

Normally my reviews are so long and wordy because I have too many thoughts about the published books that I read and I need an outlet to let them loose.

Whether because of its longevity or because of its content, All the Young Dudes is a story I find myself having a profusion of thoughts for. Hence, the birth of this review.

If fanfiction isn’t your thing, feel free to skip this particular review of mine (although fanfiction is a gift to this world and you should really rethink your stance on it if you don’t like it, just saying).

Third, All the Young Dudes is well written and rivals any actual published content.

Fourth, because of how extensive this fanfiction is, it took me over a month to read it-time I generally would have been reading something else. Instead of leaving you all hanging for a few more weeks until I finish Firekeeper's Daughter (don’t hold your breath-the book is sort of a slog for me personally right now), I decided to just take the jump and write my first-ever typedwriter review for a fanfiction.

Fanfiction has been a part of my life for the better part of almost two decades now. It was truly something I found by accident and in retrospect, it’s insane to me that it’s still something that brings me continuous joy and happiness.

I discovered fanfiction when I was 11-years-old and deeply obsessed with the Harry Potter fandom.

Now, as an overall disclaimer I completely disagree with J.K. Rowling’s stances of gender and biology and differ wholeheartedly with her views of trans and non-binary individuals. With that said, I still love Harry Potter as a story and while I no longer buy anything that profits J.K. Rowling directly, I still love the fandom and the people in it, including fanworks like All the Young Dudes.

When I was 11, the seventh Harry Potter book had yet to come out and like many other people in this time period of agony while waiting for 2007 to roll around so that I could find out what happened, I discovered fanfiction as a way to fill in that ache I was so keenly feeling.

I found myself suddenly immersed in this world of online fiction-both good and bad-but completely entrancing all the same.

I never left.

That is to say, I did eventually move onto other fandoms with their own fanfiction cultures, but Harry Potter was still my first in terms of fanfiction and introducing me to the concept as a whole.

Specifically and maybe oddly, I never found myself curious for actual fanfiction about Harry or Hermione or Ron. In my mind, I already knew what had happened to them and reading about them in fanfiction was redundant.

In addition, the first fanfiction I just happened to come across was a Lily/James marauder era fanfiction on mugglenet.com

This idea immediately intrigued me as fans as a whole knew next to nothing about the infamous Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs and while I knew everything I needed to about Harry Potter it was intoxicating to think that I could learn about a time before the series had existed and about characters who were important, but off screen.

I was hooked and devoured as much as I could for most of middle school about the marauders and Lily and James’ romance in particular (I even wrote and published some of my own that will go unmentioned as they are truly really terrible).

That being said, I haven’t read a Harry Potter fanfiction in years. I grew up and out of the fandom eventually thanks to Twilight and from there I’ve bounced from fandom to fandom as I’ve aged and consumed different things and fallen in love with different characters and different worlds.

That isn’t to say I’ve forgotten though.

I still remember my favorite marauder stories, my favorite Sirius Black/OFC (original female character), and my favorite baby Harry drabbles. They made such a huge impression on me and even though it’s been sixteen years, I still recall those stories with fond nostalgia and jubilation.

Which is why it’s almost ironic that I would return to this particular time period of the marauders with All the Young Dudes.

In a fashion that’s almost scarily full circle, I happened to be on Youtube one day and saw a recommendation video about this girl reviewing a fanfiction called All the Young Dudes. Now, youtube book reviews aren’t uncommon, but a thirty minute video for a fanfiction? Not your typical sighting.

So out of pure curiosity, I searched All the Young Dudes fanfiction on Google and low and behold the overwhelming and top results were all for a marauder-era fanfiction by MsKingBean89. Piqued, I clicked on the link in ao3 and thought why not?

While I’ve mainly been reading in other fandoms recently (BTS, some anime and manga, All for the Game) I had been in a little bit of a slump for finding a really good, really alluring story for some time and really didn’t think I had anything to lose by reading All the Young Dudes, especially as the more research I did, the more I found how popular it was-a plethora of videos on youtube, tiktok compilations, and dozens of fanart posts.

Plus, it had been so long since I had read anything from my progenitor fandom and the thought of going back was strangely comforting.

Hence the journey of reading All the Young Dudes began and oh what a journey it was.

Now, that this review is already five pages in, I should probably tell you what on earth All the Young Dudes is actually about.

The whole story is a marauder-era fanfiction told from Remus Lupin’s POV from the summer of 1971 when Remus is 11-years-old to the summer of 1995 when he is 35-five-years-old. It is an in-depth portrayal of Remus’ time at Hogwarts from year one to year seven and then going all the way up to the start of the second wizarding world, ending around the time Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix begins.

While already the scope makes this a massive undertaking, the author also includes all canonical content from the original series involving Remus, the Marauders, and the time period and incorporates it into her fanfiction-making it canon compliant from start to finish.

While a very large portion of this story is not romantic, there is eventual WolfStar (Remus Lupin/Sirius Black) and if you have read the original Harry Potter series...well. You know things don't end up super dandy for these two characters in particular so you know how the story will end before it begins.

This fanfiction left me speechless for so many reasons.

The scope and length is frankly unbelievable. This fanfiction was published on March 2, 2017 and it was completed on November 12, 2018.

….how?

How did she manage that? I frankly have no idea, but I am in complete and utter awe at her ability to write content with such a magnitude and actually complete it. She gets an award just for that honestly.

Not only that, but the fanfiction is actually superbly well-written. I won’t lie and say it’s the most poignant and beautiful piece of literature I’ve ever consumed, but it was consistent in its pacing, characterization, themes, motifs, and structure, which, for 2,000 pages, is an incredible achievement when you think about it.

Speaking of characterization, everyone was So. Well. Done.

Remus was such an interesting POV to read from and while he was compliant in every sense of the word-werewolf, prefect, bookish-MsKingBean89 added so much more to his character and fleshed him out so incredibly that it’s truly tragic that he’s not a real person.

And to that extent, she does this with all of the characters. You see James’ optimism and leadership, Sirius’ arrogance and loyalty, Peter’s jealousy and chess skills.

Every character was so well-rounded and real. She did an incredible job of taking the bits and pieces from the canon series and using that to build up her own flesh and blood people with motivations, likes, dislikes, dreams, and desires.

That being said, she also had 2,000 pages to do it sooooooo it would be bad if the characters weren’t fleshed out by the end honestly.

In addition, I really appreciated that she didn’t just focus on Remus, Sirius, James and Peter. Lily Evans played a critical role in Remus’ school life and after and so did the other Gryffindor girls like Marlene and Mary.

Too often, the focus is on the boys and their close friendship and while that was a huge focus, we also get to see Remus develop friendships with the girls in his own right and other friends as well that were often OC’s of the author’s.

Now. OC’s are generally something I dislike. I’m reading fanfiction to read about particular characters that I’ve sought after, not to read about some imaginary cast. However, just like any of the canon characters, all of the OC characters were well-developed and played crucial roles in Remus’ development-while either at Hogwarts or after-and I found myself not minding them in the least. In a few cases (Grant) I actually really loved them.

The biggest draw for this fanfiction for me was Remus’ time at Hogwarts. It was so well-written and incredibly descriptive and I found myself thrust back into the world of magic so suddenly and seamlessly that it was like I never left.

MsKingBean89 includes so many intricate details and builds up the world so beautifully that I’d recommend any Harry Potter fan to consume it, just to get some good Hogwarts material out of it.

Another thing I greatly appreciate about this fanfiction was the slow burn. I’ve read slow burn before (All for the Game trilogy anybody?), but this truly took the cake. Sirius and Remus don’t properly get together until the end of year six going into year seven. That’s over 100 chapters in.

100 chapters out of 188.

Meaning that over half of this beast doesn’t have the main pairing even together. For some people, this could be a drawback. You might think to yourself: It takes how long for them to confess their feelings and stop being prats?

A very, very long time.

However...it didn’t bug me. I like slow burn to begin with, but being along for the ride as Remus goes from being a child to an adolescent with unrequited feelings to being in a relationship with someone he loves is so rewarding and fulfilling that the 100 previous chapters are completely and utterly worth it.

MsKingBean89 develops them so well and so carefully that the payoff is so sweet and satisfactory that it's enough to bring the tears right then and there.

The last huge feat of this fanfiction for me was the author’s dedication to canon not just confined to Hogwarts and the Harry Potter books, but also to the time period. Either she lived through the 70’s and 80’s herself or she had done her due diligence when it comes to research because anything from London anti-gay laws to British slang was commonplace in her fic.

I found it completely amazing how she was able to tie in real-time historical and cultural moments like famous singers and movies playing at the time alongside convoluted muggle politics warring with the wizarding ones.

I was so blown away by the accuracy and genuine love behind this fic that it often brought me out of my own mind to simply ponder once again how much work this was and how well she was delivering it.

Even unpleasant things, like homophobia and bigotry, are dealt with in a very carefully constructed way that is aligned with the time period in which the story takes place.

Unfortunately, everything beautiful is not without flaws and All the Young Dudes is not the exception, although it’s flaws are nary compared to its achievements.

The few complaints I have with this fic are honestly quite negligible.

First, there are a few grammatical and punctuation errors. Very few, but I did notice some.

Next, and again, this complaint is really just me whining, but...the end of the fic was really fucking sad. The end of this whole story took me so much time to complete simply because I didn’t want to read it.

I know what happened during the first wizarding war and I also know what ended it (James and Lily Potter dying, Harry being shipped off to the Dursley’s, Sirius imprisoned for a murder he didn’t commit, Peter presumed dead) and in one fell swoop Remus lost everything and everyone he ever loved.

After spending over 1,500 pages of Remus growing to love these people it is absolutely devastating and heart-breaking to see him lose it all.

The last handful of chapters are just really, really sad and it makes me wonder why MsKingBean89 decided to write it in the first place. Frankly, I don't know why she didn't write about Remus’ time at Hogwarts and stop after graduation because we all know what happens after that and none of it is good.

Looking back, I wish I could time travel and tell myself to stop at chapter 150. I truly didn’t need to read about the tragedies that happened after that and the hell that all of the characters go through.

And while it does end on a….sort of kind of maybe positive (?) note with Sirius and Remus reuniting briefly once the events of Harry Potter and Prisoner of Azkaban take place, it was really tainted and bittersweet for me knowing that in a year Sirius would die and Remus would marry his fucking cousin and have a child.

Urgh.

I just can’t.

That being said, I understand it’s not the author’s fault and I’m not saying it is. She wrote a canon compliant fic to the end and it was my choice to continue reading. That being said, she said she ended it before the events of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix because Sirius and Remus are happy and back together and she didn’t want to write what was coming next if she continued.

I truly, truly get that.

But in the same vein, why even write the events of the first wizarding world to begin with then? I’m confused with that response as it doesn’t make much sense to me. I felt like ending it right then and there was not a happy ending. They’re together, yes, but at this point they are both shells of who they used to be. Both have severe trauma and PTSD and frankly I don’t even know if I agree with them being together just because they’ve put each other through so much.

It’s just an interesting choice at the end of the day in terms of the author.

Once again, however, I truly understand that she can do whatever she wants and that she doesn’t owe anyone anything, especially as she’s writing this for free and just because. So please keep in mind that although I’m complaining, I truly understand how fortunate we are to even have this fic in the first place.

Okay.

Secondly, my only other huge complaint is that MsKingBean89 made Remus gay. Not bi, not pan. Gay.

You could argue that Remus just calls himself gay in the fanficiton as he didn’t know about other kinds of sexuality. You could argue that Remus’ sexuality changes and develops as he ages and experiences trials and tribulations. You could argue that it was a sign of times like so much else in this fic.

I frankly just found it to be a frustrating choice as the fic is canon compliant and even though it ends before the events of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows we know that Remus eventually marries Tonks and has a baby son named Teddy Lupin.

How does that make sense?

I tried very, very hard to come up with some sort of feasible explanation for how a gay man would have ended up with the love of his life’s female cousin and truly could not think of one that was not fucked up to some degree.

Again. I know I’m being nit-picky, but it irked me that she made this choice regarding Remus’ sexuality and essentially ended her fic with Remus stuck in a corner regarding how the series actually ends.

At the end of the day, all of the negatives are truly, truly not important. I’m just whinging to whine and to express my thoughts, but I do once again understand that MsKingBean89 isn’t profiting from this fic and that she can do what she wants as is her prerogative.

I hope I was able to express that while I understand that, I can still be frustrated with some of the choices she made.

To wrap this all up, All the Young Dudes is a masterpiece and is a must-read for anyone who loves Harry Potter, the Marauders, or Wolfstar. I was blown away by the sheer magnitude, the love and care she put into her craft, the slow and deliberate development of all the characters, the beautifully constructed love between Sirius and Remus, and the intricate world-both muggle and magic-that surrounded the story like a cocoon.

I am so happy I found this fic and I truthfully am floundering at what to do with myself next. If you have any more current Marauder era fics that I’ve missed out in the past eleven years, please don’t hesitate to let me know.

Recommendation: Go read All the Young Dudes. For weeks, you will cry, you will laugh, you will despair, and you will smile. This fanfiction will make you wish this was canon and in my mind, it now is.

Score: 8/10

Links:

1. All the Young Dudes on ao3

2. The Youtube Video about All the Young Dudes that made me aware of its existence

#all the young dudes #wolfstar #Harry Potter #fanfiction #harry potter fanfic rec #marauders #book review #Book Recommendations #fanfiction recs #fanfiction review #wolfstar fanfiction #wolfstar fanart

33 notes · View notes

mentesimploria · 4 years

Text

Dawn of Eve

The program is a social experiment run by Gretchen, she wants to prove that women can be better leaders than men. I don’t think Dawn of Eve is the first experiment that was based in an island, where the subjects needed to test their survival skills and try to work together to complete all milestones. At the end of the season, Leah learns that there’s another group of boys in the island, and that’s when we found out about the Twilight of Adam. There’s no evidence that the boys’ experiment is running at the same as the girls’, but we have some clues that might indicate that it happened some time ago, like a year.

1. On episode 3, we found out that Gretchen was voted out of her job at the university in the last fall (the events on the island are placed in 2020, so she lost her job in 2019).

2. On episode 7, after telling Linh that she isn’t working at the university anymore, Gretchen says she finally has time to focus on her project, she also mentions that she can’t wait to show them what bold measures can do.

3. Throughout the whole season we see Gretchen struggling to keep the experiment running, how hard she’s trying to find financiers for her project. *this is totally my opinion, but it would make zero sense if the U.S Army were involved in the experiment, like, if they were why would she be the one getting financiers for the project?

4. When talking to Leonard, Gretchen says the girls found milestone 8 two weeks before her projections.

5. The Adam of Twilight’s file says: Control Group. From where I see it, Gretchen is using the boys’ experiment to compare with hers. It may be the one she was voted out of; but we can’t know yet.

When she chose the girls:

· Gretchen was voted out in August, 2019*

*okay, so I don’t know if they fucked it up or not, but some things just don’t make sense in their timeline. Ex: Gretchen and Linh met each other. Linh asks when she was gonna get fired from the university. Gretchen says that the board will take a vote in two weeks. When Gretchen’s at the bar where Linh works, there’s a poster dating August 23. So either they messed it up, or after she was voted out something else happened, during fall. Gretchen and Linh meeting each other in august fits in their timeline.

· Linh learns the girls’ names, and who they are, one month after she joins Gretchen’s team. {on episode 7, Thom says she has been with them for only a month}

· Nora was the first one approached by Gretchen. I’ve already made a post about her, but to sum it up: Nora met Quinn during summer session in 2019, in September she found out about his death and met Gretchen in October.

· Dot was the second one to find out about the retreat, her dad gave it to her as a Christmas gift, in 2019 (obviously).

· Shelby was the third one, her dad changed his mind about the permanent teeth procedure after the pageant competition (that happened maybe after January?).

· Leah was the fourth one, her parents decided to send her to the retreat during Spring in 2020, after the accident. (Leah’s mom mentions to the doctor that “last winter was so hard”; also, Leah met Jeff when she was 16).

�� Fatin was the fifth one, and we know that because she was at the party on the night of Leah’s accident.

Martha and Toni are a mystery. Lol. Don’t even know why they picked Toni. Maybe it was because of Martha?

How Gretchen selected the girls:

I stand by my opinion that Gretchen chose them based on their age, I mean, aside from the fact that they’re from different states, race and social class. All the girls are 17 years old and none of them are turning 18 during the experiment.

The information we got so far about the girls:

Leah is 17 years old, she met Jeff when she was 16 during Spring in 2019, they “broke up” months later, on Summer. Leah’s car accident happened one year after she met him. Her birthday is on September 5.

Rachel and Nora are 17, their birthday is on November 4;

Nora took summer sessions in June-July, 2019. She and Quinn broke up in August. Nora found out about Quinn’s death in late September. She met Gretchen in October.

Rachel’s episode was a little bit confusing for me, I don’t know if the flashbacks were in chronical order or not. But there are a lot of things that we don’t know about her. When did she know she wasn’t going to Standford. Did something happen, after Quinn died, and that’s why Nora agreed on being part of the experiment?

Fatin is 17 years old. We don’t have that much information about her aside from the fact that she’s a great cellist, loves to party and had a great relationship with her dad. She found out about his affairs during Spring in 2020.

Dot is 17 years old, for Christmas gift her dad wanted her to go to Hawaii for summer camp, he died during Spring. Shelby mentions that Dot hasn’t taken a picture for the yearbook since sophomore year. She met Gretchen during Spring (2020).

Toni’s 17 years old, she met Regan in 2018, after they broke up, she moved in with Martha and her mom.

Martha’s 17 years old, she was shot in February, 2012 and she was 10 years old. She had physical therapy from March 16, 2012 until January 22, 2013. In 2013, she won the 39th Annual Powwow contest when she was 11. Also, Martha perjured herself in 2018.

Shelby’s 17 years old, I think her birthday is in November because that’s when she mentions if she can have permanent teeth procedure before the winter pageant competition, she could even start it in the next month (December), and since their parents want her to turn 18 she must’ve thought she could do it 1 year later. The winter in the U.S ends in February, so Shelby must’ve kissed Becca sometime in January and the pageant competition and Becca’s death happened in February.

That means: Gretchen didn’t choose Shelby because she was gay, or Fatin didn’t end up in the island just because she decided to leak her dad’s private information or Nora because Quinn died. Gretchen had already chosen the girls way before all that shit happened. Now, there’s a chance of Gretchen knowing about Jeff and Leah. We know that one of the reasons why she chose Martha was because of what happened to her when she was a kid. Maybe Fatin’s, Leah’s and Shelby’s parents belong, somehow, to Gretchen’s circle of friends and that’s how she convinced them.

This is what I have theorized so far from what they showed us in Season 1. There are still a ton of things that are yet to be proven and confirmed and we’ll just have to wait for Season 2 to further investigate them. Until then, let’s just enjoy the #shoni content that Mia has been feeding us on Instagram.

#the wilds #the wilds theory #the wilds theories #nora reid #rachel reid #leah rilke #fatin jadmani #toni shalifoe #martha blackburn #dot campbell #shelby goodkind

80 notes · View notes

dontcare77ghj · 4 years

Text

Tree

Steve x reader x Bucky x Sam

Reader POV

The year was 1516, it was all hallows eve, and you were standing at the edge of the wood near your village.

You were waiting for your lover to arrive with a horse so the two of you could elope. Neither of your parents approved of your relationship, but you wouldn't hear of it.

You were in love with this man, and you desired to be his. You wanted to be his wife.

So, the two of you had made a plan. You would steal a bag of silver and gold from your father, he would take a horse, and the two of you would marry without your family's consent.

The moon was at its highest point, and you were beginning to feel scared. It was all hallows eve, a full moon, you standing in front of the woods, and your lover was nowhere in sight.

There was a loud crack behind you that caused you to jump. Your head snapped behind you as you tried to see what had made the noise.

Your eyes were desperately scouring the wood when a sharp pain exploded in your back.

You let out a loud scream, hand attaching itself to the area as you whipped around to see your lover standing there with a knife.

"Henry?" You whimpered, jumping back as he slashed at you once more. Without a second thought, you rushed into the woods.

You stumbled several times before you decided to kick off your shoes, throw your coin purse, and hike up your long skirt. You could hear Henry behind you screaming your name as you dashed to the left and fell down a hill.

You rolled down the long slope, branches, and prickles scratching your face and arms as you let out small cries. As you reached the bottom of the hill, you laid there for several seconds as Henry's yells dulled into silence.

The pain in your back startled you back into reality, and you had to press your hand to your mouth to silence your cry.

You needed to find help.

As you attempted to stand, your legs gave way and caused you to go tumbling to the forest floor. You tried to stand twice more before abandoning the idea and crawling forwards.

You couldn't say for how long you crawled along the forest floor, but it was a while before you conceded and stopped. The reality of what had happened crashed down on you as you laid, bleeding on the trunk of a tree.

The full moon was shining onto your face as your blood dripped onto the exposed roots of the old tree.

"I don't want to die." You whispered aloud. "I don't want to die. Not like this." You said to yourself, to the moon, to the forest as your eyes closed and your head fell back against the tree, and you fell from the world.

You didn't die.

When you awoke the next morning, there was a loud humming noise in your ears as you made the trek to the edge of the forest.

As you made it to the edge of the wood, suddenly your legs couldn't move. You tried for hours, ran through the majority of the woods, trying to find a way out, but every time you made it to the edge, you were unable to move.

The humming in your ears followed you as you somehow made it back to the tree where you had woken up.

Do not cry. A low voice said into your mind. The sudden appearance from the voice startled you and caused you to jump upright.

"Who said that?" You called, spinning in a circle. "Who's there?"

I am in front of you, young one.

"The tree?" You murmured to yourself. The voice was silent as you reached forward and pressed your hand to the trunk of the tree.

You gasped as sparks traveled through your arm and throughout your body. The humming in your ear turned into loud shouting, and then you were gone.

As it turns out, on that fateful all hallows eve, something happened to you. As you laid dying, your blood mingled with the roots and soil of the tree. This, combined with the full moon, had intertwined your spirit with the tree.

You were a part of the tree, and it a part of you.

This is why you could understand not just your tree, but the other trees of the wood. And they could hear and listen to you too.

It was also why you couldn't leave the woods. You were as bound to the earth here as your tree was.

In the beginning, you had tried to keep track of your time here. Counted out the days and weeks, but soon it became too hard, and you lost track.

Be careful, young one, you could fall. The tree chided as you walked along the thick branches.

"I am always careful." You grinned, lightly hopping to another branch. "Besides, I have had much practice."

You have had much practice in falling. The tree teased you.

"And that practice has left me an experienced climber." You shrugged. You had just climbed to the top of the tree when you witnessed something fall from the sky. "What was that?"

Perhaps you should investigate.

Without another word, you jumped from the tree and began to race towards the crash.

As you got closer, you slowed down and hid behind a tree. From there, you could see what appeared to be a large pile of scraped metal in a heap behind three men.

Two of the men were laid unconscious while a blonde was attempting to help one.

You should go and help them.

"I don't believe that would be a good idea." You whispered.

You are scared. The tree acknowledged your fears. My dear girl, you have no need to fear these men. I sense no danger from them.

"Are you sure?"

I am sure, Y/N. Go and help them.

"Of course." You nodded before moving out into the open. "Allow me to help you." You said to the blonde, startling him.

"Who are you?" He demanded, grabbing a circular disk from beside him.

"My name is Y/N. I mean no harm. I merely wish to help your friends." You said, raising your hands. "Your friend needs yarrow root." You nodded to the brunette. "I just want to help." You repeated to him.

"Please, help us." The blonde's resolve crumbled after a second.

You rushed into action, finding the root quickly and mashing it into a paste with the knife from your belt.

As you coated the brunette's wounds, the blonde was making a splint for the man with darker skin.

"Steve." The blonde announced, causing you to look up from your work.

"Pardon?"

"My name. My name is Steve. Thank you for helping me." Steve told you.

"Of course." You nodded. "The three of you are going to need shelter for the night." You said, noting the darkening sky.

"Where can we find shelter?" Steve asked.

"You can stay with me." You told him. "I live close by."

"Thank you. Thank you so much." Steve breathed. "I can't carry Sam and Buck at once, though," Steve added more to himself.

"Another thing I can help with." You smiled, jumping up and moving to the closest tree. Pressing your hand into the bark, you closed your eyes and passed on your need to it.

Suddenly a large section of bark from the trunk of the tree slid from it and landed gently at your feet.

"Do you think we should carry them or drag your friends back to my home?" You asked, turning to the shocked blonde.

"Your home is lovely." Steve complimented you as you gathered a handful of apples.

"Thank you." You smiled, handing him an apple, and taking a seat beside him. "The trees donated the woods, and I gathered the ferns and leaves myself."

"How did you do that?" Steve questioned you. "Get the tree to do that? And all this?"

"It's very complicated. I'm not even sure how it works, precisely myself." You murmured, looking down. "A long time ago, I was attacked and bleeding out. It was all hallows eve, and my blood mixed with this tree's life force. My spirit is a part of this tree, and this tree is a part of me. I awoke after my death to find I was connected to not only this tree but the rest in this forest." You explained to him.

"My ma used to tell me stories when I was a kid. It was mostly Celtic mythology, but it sorta sounds like you're a Dryad." Steve told you. "I'm sorry that happened to you."

"It's okay. It was a long time ago. At least, I believe it was. Frankly, I lost track of time many moon cycles ago." You said.

"What was the last year you remember?"

"It was 1516 when I died."

"Y/N, it's currently 2018," Steve informed you, causing you to drop your apple in shock.

Sam, Steve, and Bucky had been staying with you for two full moon cycles. The metal they had crashed, a jet Sam told you, was entirely unsalvagable meaning, they couldn't call their team for a rescue.

The nearest town was apparently seventeen hours away, and Sam and Bucky were too injured to walk.

You didn't mind having guests for many reasons. One being you hadn't been in contact with another human who had good intentions for years.

To have people who had been outside these woods, to talk to was a dream come true.

You loved their company more than you could admit. You and Steve would talk about mythology, books, and stories for hours on end. You and Bucky would about your shared interests in nature and in animals until the sunset. And you could listen to Sam explain the outside world and what had happened since your death until he lost his voice.

But they would also listen to you. When you'd explain what you could do, how you'd spend your days, and what life was like when you were alive.

"I can't believe you've never had a burger before." Bucky shook his head as you and Steve picked blackberries.

"To be fair, growing up, we weren't the wealthiest. We were well off and could occasionally afford something from the butcher but not often." You said, smiling as Steve threw a berry at Sam.

"We have to find a way to get you a burger," Sam said, looking at you from where he laid with Bucky. "Maybe you could come with us when we find a way home."

"I couldn't. I can't leave the forest." You shook your head.

"Seriously?" Sam questioned you.

"I tried to leave, but I can't move past the edge of the wood." You told him. "My tree is bound here, and so am I."

"Jesus." Bucky whistled lowly.

"I'm not complaining. I love my life here. I love the animals, the land and the trees. But it does get very lonely here. Before the three of you, I hadn't seen people for fourteen moons."

"Where did they go?"

"They tried to destroy the forest. Men began cutting down trees with these electric contraptions. I could hear all the trees screaming, but I hid until they started cutting my tree." You said, lifting your head and showcasing your neck. "The second they cut into my tree, I began to feel the pain it did."

"What happened to them?"

"I frightened and angry, and it was as if the forest came to life." You said, looking down. "I don't know what I did, but none of those men came out alive." You added, lightly tracing the scar on your throat.

"That wasn't your fault. You lost control. It happens to the best of us." Steve assured you.

"They still died by my hand. It is still an accident I caused."

"Do you regret it?" Bucky asked you. "Do you regret what you did?"

"Every day." You nodded. "I regret what happened to them every day."

"Then that's all you can do. All you can do is look back on your mistakes and regret them." Bucky told you. "Take it from me as someone who has made many mistakes over their lifetime." He said, causing you to nod.

"Now that we've gotten that out of the way, Steve carry me back to the treehouse," Sam said, reaching his arms out to the blonde. "I think it's time we try to cook for Y/N."

The boys had officially been in your forest for three months. The three were all healed up but were still staying with you.

"Bucky, no!" You shrieked as the man wrapped his arms around your waist and lifted you off the ground.

"Come swim with us, doll." Bucky grinned, walking you over to the lake where Steve and Sam were waiting.

"I swear, Bucky." You began before being tossed into a waiting Sam's arms. As you sputtered up water, Bucky stood on the bank laughing hardly. "I'll give you something to laugh about." You grinned, flicking your hand, causing a branch to whip Bucky into the water.

"Okay, okay, I give!" Bucky shouted as Steve and Sam howled with laughter. "You win!" He surrendered.

The three of you spent hours in the lake until you were all pruney, which is when you all moved onto the shore.

"If you could have one thing, what would it be?" Sam asked randomly as the four of you gazed at the clouds. "I'd kill for one of Stark's smoothies."

"A dragon," Bucky said immediately.

"Ma's soup," Steve responded.

"What about you, Y/N? If you could have one thing in this world, what would it be?" Bucky asked after you remained silent.

"I want to have love." You said without looking away from the sky. "I think I stopped believing it was a real thing after Henry for a long time."

"And now?" Steve asked. "What do you think now?"

"I think. I think I'm a fool. Looking back, what I had with Henry was never a good relationship. I was foolish and naive when I was with Henry, and I don't think I even knew what love felt like then." You said, turning to face him.

"Do you feel it now?" Bucky pressed you.

"I do, and I think I understand the difference between being in love and loving something. I love the trees. I love my woods. I loved my family." You began, biting your lip when you paused.

"And?" Sam asked, rolling over to face you. "What's the difference?"

"It's nothing important. Ignore me." You told him.

"Doll, we want to hear what you have to say. It's important to us." Bucky told you.

You took a deep breath as you sat on your knees and faced the three who sat up.

"I love the trees. I love my woods. I loved my family. But I think I'm in love. I think I'm in love with the three of you. I don't the same way about those things that I do about the three of you are. Everything I feel about each of you is so deep and raw, and it frightens me.

And it also frightens me that I'm feeling all these things for each of you. Because I don't think I could choose, and I know that's wrong. And I'm a sinner and a harlot for the thought of it but,-" You began to rant only to be cut off by Steve's finger on your lips.

"Breathe, Y/N." He chuckled lightly. "What you're talking about does not make you a sinner or a harlot."

"On the contrary, what you're proposing is something we would be more than okay with," Bucky told you. "The three of us are already in a committed relationship, and we've been talking about asking you to join us."

"What?" You whispered.

"Y/N, I know this is very different from the teachings of your time, but what your discussing is normal now. Men can be with men, women with women, and multiple people can be in a relationship." Sam explained to you.

"Were you kidding about me joining you?" You asked, looking between the three men who all smiled at you.

"Not at all," Sam said, and suddenly he was leaning towards you. Just as his lips were about to connect with yours, there was a loud whirring noise above your heads.

"What is that?" You yelled above the noise.

"I think it's our team!" Steve yelled back as a jet landed in the clearing. You watched apprehensively as a door opened, and two women and three men exited the quinjet.

"You're alive!" An older man cheered, swaggering forward.

"How did you find us?" Steve asked as the four of you stood to greet them, you sticking to Sam's side.

"Tony hacked into a lot of satellites." The redheaded woman said, embracing Bucky, then Steve stopping as she spotted you. "Who's your friend, boys?"

"This is Y/N." Sam introduced. "She's the only reason any of us are alive. Y/N, this is Natasha."

"It's very nice to meet you." You greeted, sticking your hand out to the woman.

"Thank you for keeping our friends alive," Natasha said, shaking your hand firmly.

"No trouble at all."

"With these three? I doubt it." One man snickered, receiving a smack to the arm from the other girl. "What do you three say? Are you ready to return to the real world?"

You shared a look with your boys at this.

"Your lady friend can come too if she wants." The first man offered.

"I appreciate the offer, but I can't leave the woods." You smiled weakly at him.

"Huh?" A blond man said, scrunching his eyebrows at you.

"She's bound to the land," Bucky explained.

"She's a Dryad. Her soul is connected with a specific tree here." Steve added. "She can't leave it."

"It's okay, boys. Go." You told them. "Others need you more than I do."

"But Y/N," Sam started. "We don't care about them, not as much as we care about you."

"Sam, you need to go. All of you. You save the world. It needs you more than you think. If you were to stay here and something were to happen that you could have fixed, I would feel guilty. And so would you. You have to go home."

"We'll come back and visit," Steve said after a minute. "All the time."

"Steve, you actually want to leave?" Bucky asked him, surprised.

"No, I don't want to, but we have to. We all know it." Steve reasoned with his partners.

"We'll visit every month. We'll be here so often you'll want us to leave." Sam promised you.

"I don't think I could ever get mad at you." You said, hugging each one of the men before pushing them towards their friends. "Go. Save the world."

"We'll be back. We promise." They said as they boarded the jet. You waved as the door closed and it began to make loud noises once more.

"It's not like I'll be going anywhere."

We can all see what you're doing, young one. Your tree said as you deposited another pile of blackberries in your home.

“Getting ready to make another berry spread? Yes.” You nodded.

You’re not fooling any of us, young one. You’re in pain, you just won’t admit it.

It had been four days since your boys had had to go back home. And you had been doing anything and everything you could to keep your mind off them.

“I miss them.” You sighed, sitting on the ground. “I miss them so much.”

It is understandable. You love them but they promised to return, that is something.

“It is.” You nodded, leaning your back on the wood. “I hope they come back soon.”

The sun had shifted another place in the sky when you heard the loud rumbling of a jet. At first you merely watched but as it began to land you rushed to your feet to greet them.

“I missed you!” You sighed, throwing yourself into Bucky’s arms

“We missed you too, doll.” Bucky said as Sam stole you into his arms.

“It’s so good to see you, Y/N.” Sam said, squeezing you gently before passing you to Steve who also enveloped you in his arms.

“What are you all doing here? Not that I’m mad but it’s only been four days.” You said, pulling back from them.

“I know but it took us four days to come up with this and get in contact with these two.” Bucky said, gesturing to the two men behind you.

“Y/N, this is Loki and Thor. They’ve agreed to help you if you want them to.” Steve introduced you.

“How can you help me?” You asked, cocking your head to the side.

“We cannot unbind you from your tree but we can move it.” Thor informed you. “My brother will preform a stasis charm and it will put both you and the tree into a state of sleep.”

“This will allow us to move you and your tree back to the compound. You can come with us. See the outside world again.” Sam told you.

“Are you kidding me?”

“No. This is real, if you want it, you can come with us.” Steve said.

“So what do you say, baby doll? Will you come home with us?”

“Yes!” You cheered, pulling Steve, who was the closest to you, down to your height and kissing him passionately. You quickly did the same to Sam and Bucky before hugging the both Thor and Loki. “Thank you! Thank you so much for this!”

“It is no hardship.” Thor assured you, patting your back gently.

“Come on, doll. Let’s get to your tree and get you two home.”

Non-reader POV

“Y/N! Are you out here?” Sam called as he, Steve and Bucky entered the wooded area of the compound.

The four of them had been together for three years and they were all incredibly happy together. Y/N had left a note for the boys in their shared room reading merely come find me.

“Oh doll!” Bucky called as they closed in on her tree. “Where are you?”

“Boo!” Y/N cheered, jumping from a branch onto Steve’s back. “I win.” She smiled at Sam and Bucky.

“You sure do, doll.” Bucky chuckled, taking Y/N down from Steve’s back. “What’s going on, doll?”

“Well, I’m not sure if you remembered, but it’s been three years since we met, give or take a week and I’ve decided we have to celebrate.” Y/N smiled. “So I made us a picnic and it’s up there.” She pointed to her treehouse.

“What did we do to deserve you?” Sam asked, pulling her closer to kiss her.

“Do you want my list?” She teased as they pulled apart. “I’m kidding! Now come on, the foods getting cold!”

The four stayed in Y/N’s tree for the rest of the night and well into the next day. The tree that was more responsible for their relationship than anyone admitted.

Remember all Taglists are open as are requests.

Taglist @rvgrsbrns @smilexcaptainx @hopingforbarnes @starlingelliot @piper-koko-barnes-rogers @jelly-fishy-babie @skeletoresinthebasement @agent-barnes40 @reann-loves-sebstan @skadikh @summergeezburr @buckybarton03 @sunshinepower17 @bindythedemon @natasharomanoffismywife @keenmarvellover @bbybarness @storiesbystarlight @buckybarnesplumwhore @bromieeeomieee @marvelmenarebeautiful @nikishadow @pauloonig @abyssiniapleasant @beautybyfire @officalmarvelbaby

172 notes · View notes

paper-cloud · 3 years

Text

i. the crushing weight of what happens next

part of "(there will be a) tomorrow"

fandom: prospect (2018) characters: ezra, cee rating: T words count: ~3K context: post-canon general warnings/tags: see series masterlist warnings/tags for this chapter: ezra's pov. angst. not graphic descriptions of wounds, blood and amputated limbs. mentions of minor characters' death. (probably very) inaccurate but anyways vague descriptions of medical treatments and post-anesthesia symptoms. taglist: @ravensmutty @buttercup--bee @thegreenkid (again, thank you all for your interest and encouragement! :3) @krissology @ezrasarm @bonktime (please forgive my nerve, i won't tag you in the next chapters unless you'll explicitly ask me to! just thought about someone else who might be interested and you guys are AMAZINGLY talented and inspiring "prospect"/ezra writers. it's not my intention to waste precious moments of your time! 🤡

[SERIES MASTERLIST] [MAIN MASTERLIST]

He'd have thought it was almost ironic – opening his eyes to the light only to see nothing. To feel pain.

He'd have laughed about it, most likely. A bit later, he'd have acknowledged it was a reasonably fair compromise; for him and any other wretch that'd ever dared play dice with darkness and miraculously made it out alive.

And in the very end he'd come to laugh at himself, too.

He knows the drill. Someone who trades their own life with the contract of the highest bidder doesn't see the universe in black and white, let alone is in a position to draw the hypothetical line between the two of them.

Must be an even more wicked universe than he's ever cared about, then.

At least, that's where the struggle of opening his eyes made him stumble upon; when a blade of light thrust through that hint of a gap he'd pushed himself to create in the middle, resonating through the dark coils of unconsciousness like a harsh, unforgiving bell.

A skilled mariner over silky rivers of natural redundancy and rapids of professional edges, Ezra is a man who can appreciate a sharp wit when he recognizes one.

That was too much even for him.

Floundering in between a blinding whiteness and a black hole that wasn't even completely black, but permeated by a thick, suffocating haze that filled every ghost haunting his mind with its stench. With the color of diabolically lush leaves.

Forest— spores— poison— death.

It hadn't been enough to let him dangle in apnea above a roaring vortex of lifeless emerald; take him away from the grey flow whose elusiveness he'd come to appreciate more than he'd ever hated to endure its chaos— from the bubble built on the routine series of one last jobs that, in the end, never really were.

There'd been a moment when, from the higher parts of the room, his pupils tumbled down, tripping over a patch of green discreetly lurking in a corner.

He almost threw up.

It had taken him a while to clear out the misty grit clotted in his corneas— focus on white walls, light wood paneling... a harmless seedling in a pot.

He'd breathed heavily, deeply. He sure hadn't got much relief from it. Still, he'd been able to hear its sound, louder than he'd ever heard it before, the musical, cooling mesh of oxygen particles in and out of his lungs almost begging his fingers to be touched.

Oxygen.

Fresh air.

Had he been less sore – less convinced it was just the residual effects of anesthesia pulling pranks on him –, he would have burst out laughing. Even more so if some poor soul of the medical staff nearby would have called for reinforcements from the other side of the space station before storming into his room.

He'd be laughing now, too. The best he can manage is sitting on his bed, leaning his back on the headboard – which is what he's struggling to do right now— and well, sometimes the room lighting still slightly bothers him. Of course, with all the painkillers and antibiotics they've given him, he wouldn't feel like the wound on his stomach is swallowing the entire arsenal of stitches and bandages.

He just wouldn't like her to get the wrong idea.

He blinks several times, like a man who no longer trusts his eyes. How can he, when they're burning like that, in such a different fire from the one from days before – damp and flickering? For reasons he can imagine, she seems to be faltering. Totally beyond his comprehension, he could swear she's smiling at him. Something inside his ribcage creaks oddly, while the curve of his chest arches upward.

"Birdie."

It's just a huff of breath, weak and hoarse, yet scratches his throat all the same, in a way that its walls feel studded with rock spurs. Actually, Ezra doesn't remember talking since they left the Green behind – which, being him, is saying something – and it's like an eternity has passed since their pod docked up there.

The nurse who let her into his room has just left and Cee sinks her hands into the pockets of her sweatpants. She's still smiling— just the faded shadow of a smile, now that he takes a better look at her.

"How's your wound?"

It sounds a lot less plain than he expected.

She hasn't moved towards him any further, and for now she's not showing any hints at wanting to. In her irises, Ezra recognizes thumping stars and cerulean clouds, all clustered in the black circle cut by the large porthole next to his bed. All before catching the thin mist veiling them. As if she did want to reach those stars, let herself get carried away by those streams of bluish dust, but she had no idea how or what to do there.

He looks down, the borders of the bandages over his abdomen slightly raised under his black short-sleeved tee. He clears his throat.

"S'healin' nicely", he says, with a deliberate lightheartedness that costs him a sharp, bizarre inflection in his voice. He closes his eyes soon after, tilting his head condescendingly. "That's how the nurse feels about it, anyway... S'not like I can feel much more right now."

This reminds him of those vacuous moments between brief, chaotic waking states and delirious dreams. When he'd managed to reconnect some essential key points scattered around in the talks of surgeons and nurses; the weariness he felt from simply gathering he was on a space station due to enter the orbit of Mesos in three cycles and something standard hours. All while his only solid reference point – the only indisputable proof he was still alive – was the sequence of beeps chirped by the medical monitor perched nearby. Constant, not monotonous. Friendly, even. Sometimes, he actually comes to miss it.

"A trust fall to the extreme, I'd guess", he snorts, a sly laugh as weak and heavy as the words trudging out of his mouth. As the whole rest of him.

Whatever answer she's considering, Cee freezes it in a quick purse of her lips – maybe a nod, but for his own good he'd rather be doubtful. Then she starts looking around.

There's a chair under the board firmly anchored to the opposite wall – probably a desk or something he's never needed to test, whatsoever. She grabs it and puts it next to his bed. She sits down, bringing her legs to her chest, squeezing them in her arms.

Waiting for what, Ezra has no idea, and he's afraid she doesn't have any, either.

He doesn't speak, though, nor does he encourage her to do the same. Her pearly gaze roams steadily but unhurriedly from him to somewhere beyond him, her nose buried in the gap between her knees. He studies her carefully, two purple crescents above her cheeks, a few hair strands swinging down her face without her wiping them out. The nights she's slept through haven't been any more peaceful than his.

Trust, he recalls in the meantime.

It sure brings an odd taste to his mouth. Something close to sweaty spacesuits, grimy paths and gone-off ration bars. A single word for two human beings forced to share the same air filter for days; that, and the image of a dead body left to rot miles behind and the desperate commitment not to end up in the same way.

His gaze just happens to trip over his right side, taking in the deflated sleeve over the emptiness that saved his life. When he lifts it back to the girl, meeting her eyes just before they can flutter away, he realizes they were both looking at the same spot. And he realizes something else— something he's already understood, yet not quite.

There is no tube binding them now.

"Why d'you do it?", he mumbles a split second later, almost like somehow the thread of his question has immediately knotted to the one of his previous thought.

He huffs. He shouldn't even have asked her, in all honesty. Seeing her like this, at least he should have put it in another way, danced around it, it's not like he’s never been good at stalling, after all—

"Comin' back", Ezra says instead, and when he swallows, he mainly does it to send his heart back down his throat. If he'd died without being given the last chance to be this straightforward on this matter, he would have probably kicked his ass all the way to the other side.

This time, Cee doesn't avoid his gaze. He shouldn't be surprised by how collected she looks, given the calmness she handled his infected arm with and then told him about when she used to slip into Jata Bhalu carcasses. But he can't help it when he thinks she can't be much older now than what she was then.

He watches her breathing in, wobbling her pupils here and there, seemingly considering his words. She's not afraid, not any more than what she seemed to be when she walked into his room. Maybe she's just better than him at playing pretend – but this, he can't tell whether it's more of a good than a bad thing. Especially for her.

One thing he can tell is that she's not the same girl who pointed a trembling gun at him before running away into the woods. He knows she's not afraid.

He knows...

So is it the hunter's instinct he has to blame if he feels she is?

"Guess I've seen too much death on that forsaken moon to just... turn my back on one I can help– one I can do something about."

If he was standing in front of an entire mountain crumbling down into the ocean, he wouldn't hear its sound. ‘Wouldn't even be the worst he deserves. She did hesitate before adding the last few words, but Ezra refuses to believe she did that because she was afraid of hurting him. He may be a wretch, but not a fool.

Kevva, for a man who's always managed to untwist himself from far tougher situations with the tangles of his tongue alone, he's sure having a deal of trouble – and he wishes he could put all the blame on his current physical condition.

There is no word he doesn't have to weigh carefully now, to prevent it from taking too sharp edges once out of his lips. He may float around it forever. But once he's let her go without saying anything, he'll hardly find the courage to look within himself again, more than after any other job that hardened his hands with calluses and tarnished his eyes with blood.

He doesn't know for sure. In fact, everything he was sure to know – about the turning direction of the universe and the one of the wheels in his head – has already collapsed in front of him, tracing a flaming tail. An unforgiving meteor following a trajectory far beyond his grasp.

He just knows silence scares him, in a way that a wrong word will never do again. It terrifies him. More than as a talkative person, as a castaway on a hostile moon for too many cycles to keep their count – with the only company of a mute. Silence is green; the green of the most poisonous pollen, lethal in his brain just like toxic spores enveloped in his lungs. The green of snake scales ready to stand and scratch his flesh until liquid crimson pours out of it.

And at the end of the day, this is the only fucking thing he can tell himself to know without having his guts churning and chest heaving a beat later.

"Stop looking at me like that."

It's more of an exhausted prayer than an annoyed remark. Ezra blinks, stunned by the sudden return from the shapeless stream of his thoughts.

"Like what?"

"Like you're looking for the words to thank me", Cee settles back into her chair and this time she lets one leg touch the floor, "Tell me you owe me, and you– you're sorry about what you did."

Ezra sniffles. "Would it be bad?"

"No, it—". She closes her eyes for a moment, clenching her jaw. "Just no good", she breathes out, calmer.

And the discordant note in those words conjures up ghosts not yet vague enough for Ezra to be able to tolerate them without something twinging inside him— like a violent flutter of wings. Voices groping their way up ravels of compromises. Damon, deep in the forest. Himself, with the mercenaries in the Queen's Lair. Cee, days before that. After he—

She's right— those words she hasn't said yet, but whose shadow he feels looming every time he catches her wetting her lips.

Some things just can't be split evenly.

"This is not the Green", she states, suddenly more confident but no less exhausted. "If you're going to hang around just because you need to, once we reach Mesos¹ you'd better be on your way."

Ezra doesn't interrupt her. A faded echo starts making its way into his ears. A former prospecting partner, many years ago. An easy job on a forgettable Fringe moon.

Gems don't have an expiration date. Deals do. Strike 'em if you need to, get rid of them as soon as you can. Unless you care to dig a quicker way to your grave.

He didn't pay attention to it, then. He'd thought it was just the empty rhetoric prospectors drop absentmindedly to fill the time between an unrewarding digging and the next. All the more so under the rickety advice of a couple too many.

His eyes still wide open, hands shaky, he merely reciprocated the awkward bottle lift of his partner, whom he didn't know more than the meanders of that quarry. A toast to a faceless future – a nothingness still more reassuring than what was all around and behind them. Not to the darkness of the cave, basically unbreakable if only for the red halo thrown by the twinkles of sharp, sinister Prystines². Not even to the two poor bastards that had set out with them, ending up skewered a few hundred paces behind – one by mistake, the other to return the favor of saving him from the clutches of a furious Aiu³.

Like an idiot.

Several contracts later preventing him from missing a beat in front of similar hiccups, the logic of that statement no longer sounds so absurd to Ezra. Luckily for him, Cee understood it long before him.

"I was just lookin' for the words to tell ya you'll be better off without me—"

Half a truth. Half a heartbeat. After all, she isn't the only one of them who knows how to sell it.

He leans his head back against the headboard, eyes half-closed, a sly grin baring a couple of his upper teeth. It would almost be intimidating, except that the glint hitting them doesn't quite match the dying one in his eyes.

"—But you beat me to it", he finishes, and he sounds like he's about to fall asleep.

He slowly turns his head away, looks through the porthole. His gaze clutches to the passing asteroids outside, distant nebulae spraying the sidereal black with hues of purple, blue, red— then green, again. A climbing plant squeezing him from the inside, discomfort starts creeping on him an inch of his body – what's left of it – at a time.

He doesn't want her to think he's angry at her, and it's the only concrete foothold emerging from the fluid, magmatic chaos in his mind.

How could he be, when she came back to get him?

She didn't have to.

She doesn't have to be here, either...

"I'm sorry", she suddenly blurts out.

He meets her eyes again, a mix of bewilderment and disapproval shading his own. He shakes his head.

"Don't."

"I just—". She starts fiddling with the extra fabric created by the folds of her sweatpants. Then she sighs deeply. "I have no idea what I'm gonna do now."

He snorts. "Not that it's s'pposed to make you feel any better, but... neither do I."

He doesn't have a hazy helmet choking the glimmer in his eyes, an air filter breaking some frequencies in his voice— maybe just those making him sound sincere, while saving those trapping him into the swamp of self-loathing.

He was nothing but honest when he told her the rules of the game on the Green. When he openly admitted he was a killer, and when he assured her he wouldn't trade her for the Sater's Aurelac. And she's always seemed to believe him, maybe for that kind of desperate inertia that washes over people when they need something to cling to. Whatever the case, Ezra can only hope she wants to believe him now. But she doesn't speak, and for a moment his fear of not saying enough overcomes that of crossing her boundaries.

"But w—", he immediately bites his tongue, "—you still have three cycles to figure things out. Someone up here will be able to help you. Even so, please know you'll always have my most sincere gratitude."

The effort of lining up all those words and so few pauses to catch his breath casts a thick fog over his ears. His eyes suddenly hurt again and he finds himself squinting.

What happens next, he just records it, hardly managing to follow each cause-effect relationship. A series of events softly raining on him without making a noise, while he can quite imagine them to be way more prolonged in time. Cee leaning towards the lighting panel on the wall, sliding her finger counterclockwise, and the white coating the walls turning less painfully bright; her getting up, walking away, dwelling just before the door. "I'll come to check on you tomorrow", she says, sniffling.

She tilts her head, holding his gaze in her watery one for an agonizingly slow while – Please, don't ask me why.

He blinks once – Of course.

Then, the automatic door is once again engulfed by the wall, closing behind her with a metallic rustle.

Tomorrow.

His heart is taken by a spiraling jolt that leaves an empty cave behind. When it falls back into place, Ezra finds something has tripped in there, shapeless and quivering like the nucleus of a newborn star.

Hope, terror and everything that lies in between.

___________________

NOTES:

1) Mesos — Invented planet. Its only raison d'être is that "mésos" in Greek means "middle" and my intent was to frame this story in a moment of transition (after those of movies) for both Ezra and Cee. 2) Prystines — Invented kind of crystals. They're implied to be huge, red and very sharp, thus endangering the path through the cave. 3) Aiu — Invented predator, ideally a big feline.

A/N:

Yeah, uhm... at this point, if someone was ever to give me any kind of feedback, constructive criticism or random thought, I think I'd just melt into a puddle for the attention alone. And to all those who came all the way down here, your bravery shall not be forgotten. ♥️✨

In my defense, it's (almost) all P**** P*****'s fault & of his habit of taking orphans under his wing from one planet to another.

I know people in the fandom generally tend to make Ezra and Cee go along straight away after the movie, so this will be a slightly different take on things, I guess... But even if I don't know if I'll keep this series going atm (life & maturity exam suck), a final reconciliation is definitely on the way. ;)

Oh, and any beta reader that should feel like helping me out for when I'll have the next chapters ready is warmly welcomed! My DMs are always open and I swear I don't bite! :3

#prospect (2018)#prospect movie #ezra (prospect)#cee (prospect)#pedro pascal #sophie thatcher #my writing ☁️#geez what tf did i write this so long for?#it's all sadness and insecurities and introspections #hopefully i'll fit more dialogues in for the next ones...#which means kevva help me when i'll have to put my hands on that verbose space rascal's dialogues #i already know i'll ruin him but i really don't want to but he's so fucking intimidating but—#*goes hiding in her cave*

28 notes · View notes

darkpoisonouslove · 3 years

Text

Sparks of Life Opera Edition

I am still not over Singing a New Tune so I am going to recap for you the experience of writing that fic because there were many interesting moments over the course of those three days. Lemme start from the beginning.

- So I’m writing a fic that mostly focuses on sexual stuff but it is also mainly happening in an opera so my first order of business is to figure out what that opera is. Both the building itself and the show they’ll be watching. Because that is of utmost importance.

- I have already mentioned that SoL is located in New York so I looked up New York operas. I do not vibe with research most of the time but I vibe even less with having to come up with names for any kind of thing so research was definitely the choice here.

- I somehow get results about operas that are in the other end of the USA. That was not great. I get to the Metropolitan Opera House at last (which I might have known existed if I cared about opera in any way, shape or form) which is great! I am so close to starting the fic! Just need to figure out what opera they’re watching. Because I need that for reasons.

- I end up downloading a PDF with the seatings inside the Met Opera so that I can figure out where the hell they will be seating. But I leave that for later. I look through the actual plays that they’re having while absolutely failing with the navigation of their site. I find a show that catches my eye. It’s called The Magic Flute. I have zero idea what it’s about so I read the Wikipedia summary just to be aware. It mentions that a character has a moment when he’s singing about his search for a wife and I think “Perfect! Foreshadowing!” (since this is set pretty early on in Griffin and Valtor’s relationship).

- I decide to look up the opera and see if I can find a part of it on youtube to figure out how it will sound. I am pretty sold on it already because of the summary I read and also because it implies there is magic as a subject in it which would call back to canon. Still, I look it up. I find a full version of it on the internet with English subtitles... It is 2 hours and 35 minutes:

youtube

- “Wow, okay... that’s a bit much. But hey, it has got subtitles in English. Maybe I’d actually watch that... once I’m done with the fic. I’m just gonna listen to a little bit while I finish my research, though, so I can have an idea of what it sounds like.”

- Now it’s time to open the engagement fic - Enough to Be Yours - because I don’t remember what year they got engaged in and I need that to reverse engineer the year in which this fic is taking place so that I can make sure that The Magic Flute was being performed back then. I don’t have an year stated in the engagement fic, though. I have a date - 9th October which is Friday and that means the year is 2015. Great! So I need to figure out if they were performing The Magic Flute back in 2010. Great.

- That takes a shit ton of time and nerves as it turns out. I spent over 4 hours just researching the logistics for this fic and a lot of that was unnecessary but I’m getting ahead of myself.

- I cannot find out whether they were performing the Magic Flute in 2010. I get results of it being broadcast in English (for the first time, I believe) in 2012 but that is way too late for this fic to be happening. Also, they are speaking of a broadcast which just doesn’t work for me. So I am having a hard time over here.

- I find a list of the new titles in 2011 but nothing mentions The Magic Flute as far as I can see.

- I am now considering switching to another opera. I see an opera that is based on events from The Song of the Nibelungs (I cannot be assed to go back and check what the actual title was). That catches my eye because I have read a book that was titled The Ring of the Nibelungs, I believe, and I kinda remember stuff from it... which is what makes me hesitate because that was a big tragedy.

- Meanwhile, I have stumbled upon a trailer for The Magic Flute:

youtube

MY GOD IS THAT BEAUTIFUL! THOSE PROPS ARE FUCKING GORGEOUS! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN THAT YOU GET TO GO AND SEE THAT LIVE? THAT IS NUTS! (Also, when I mentioned paper birds (I think they are) in the fic, I meant the ones shown in 0:13, not the big one in the beginning but HOLY SHIT, DID YOU SEE THAT THING????? HOW IS THAT REAL?!?!?!?! IT IS SO FUCKING AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN’T. I AM DYING. THIS IS JUST TOO BEAUTIFUL.)

- I somehow happen upon an old archive of the opera (idk how I did that but I bookmarked it in case I’ll need it again) that has information about plays going back as far as the year 1900. This is nuts! I am in too deep but I can’t pull myself away. I’ve gotten this far, I will see it through.

- I search for keyword “flute” and I get results. Some of them are pretty old but I finally find what I need. Performances of the Magic Flute in 2010! Bingo!

- ...Oh, wait, they’re all around Christmas and New Year’s Eve. Hmm... when will it be okay for them to go? I mean, Valtor has been established to have zero free time around that time of the year and I can’t see them going on the 24th or the 31st... Oh, those are matinees. Definitely no! I need them to go in the evening. And some of these are broadcasts which doesn’t work for me either.

- I looked up earlier years as well. I considered another opera again. I decided to switch up the timeline a little. It makes sense if it’s in 2009. I think they had spring performances of The Magic Flute then. Or was it 2008? Anyway, I finally settle on an early April date in 2009 (I think). Now that that’s settled, let’s go back to the seats.

- First I need to figure out what floor (let’s say) of the opera they’re on. I was thinking of the last one first (family circle) but the boxes (I figure those seats will be safest for their activities) look like this:

which isn’t vibing with me because they would be in the front row and it seems more visible. So I relocate to the previous floor (balcony) that looks like this:

That works a little better although there’s the danger of having more people in their box. But they’re sitting in box 14, seats 5 (Griffin) and 6 (Valtor) (where the arrow is pointing) and there’s only one man in seat 4 in front of them. So that is the best I can do.

- Wow, all that’s finally figured out. I decide to do all the rest of the research up front in order to be able to just write after that and not stop for another 4 hours. More on those other things later BUT I get to the part where I need to pick a vibrator and... well, I done fucked up.

- First thing that comes up for a remote controlled vibrator is Lush, of course. And I am immediately sold because it has a sound activated setting which Valtor will definitely love to utilize while in the opera.

BUT

Lush 2 (which is the first one to have the sound activated setting, I believe) came out in 2018. Even if we accept that Lush also has it, that came out in 2015. My fic is set in 2009. Searching for 2009 vibrators literally went no where so in the end I decided that the SoL verse is actually set in a parallel universe where time is a little warped so the Lush 2 is out in 2009. Plus, that way there isn’t going to be a pandemic in future installments. Overall, that works. Except that I needn’t have been so thorough with my opera research beforehand. Oh, well. It’s finally time to start writing.

- How do you write? How do you start a fic? One word in front of the other? Oh, okay, never mind. Lipstick is a girl’s best friend. Let’s start from there. And a kiss that leads to the discussion of lipstick... Damn, I forgot to spend one more hour on researching what kind of lipstick Griffin would have worn. Shame! You don’t get that detail now. I believe I didn’t even mention a shade.

- Oh, wait. Need for his breath to taste like something. Hmm, let’s see. Tonic water? Yeah, that sounds about right. Never mind that he should have probably drunk it right before getting out of the car to kiss her if it was still lingering on his breath. I mean, that’s not impossible. Just improbable.

- He’s also wearing cologne, right? Gotta research that too. How else would I get this:

and zero idea what it actually smells like despite the description. Also, did not check if that was a thing in 2009 but the story now exists in a vacuum so who cares.

- Apparently, Griffin doesn’t own any golden bracelets even though she does have a golden necklace? Or she could have a golden bracelet, just not one she likes for the current situation? Anyway, I wanted to mention Ediltrude as well because the twins always go together and that was the best I came up with. (That said, I didn’t need to put the mentions of them one sentence apart.)

- My god, I used a semicolon! That feels illegal. I sure hope I used that bitch correctly.

- Okay, I absolutely love all the banter and just flow in the car. Idk how I did that since it’s such a constricted space but I am really proud of it. However, the logistics were sometimes hard to logic my way through. I mean, Valtor doesn’t get to look at her a lot and I had to employ a red traffic light to give him the chance to do so.

- I hit a wall about three paragraphs later. Things started going in a weird direction. I was considering even deleting the last two lines but then I managed to get back on track thanks to having figured out how they met and I decided to write a little bit about that without spoiling it (that will be a fic of its own some day). Suffice it to say it was a meet-very-ugly. But it bailed me out. Also, they got over it so it’s all good.

- And now... that paragraph. You know which one I’m talking about. It stands out with the locations I’ve given. That paragraph required 30 minutes of looking at Google Earth to figure it out and I still nearly got it wrong. At that point it occurred to me that they’ll need a place to park. I mean, idk how parking is in NYC but it’s probably not the way it is in Bulgaria especially on small neighborhood streets where it’s just... park wherever (even in front of a garage if you’re brazen enough and don’t fear having your tires slashed). So first, I was going to have them coming down Tenth Avenue and passing by the backside of the Opera which is not ideal for me because I needed Griffin to figure out they’re going to the opera so that they can have the following dialogue. But there is the New York Public Library of the Performing Arts right next door so I figure Griffin will recognize the area if it’s next to a library. And I have them almost at the garage but... that’s not looking right. This garage is on 65th Street and mine is on 62nd... I have been looking at the wrong garage for the past hour. Now that I have caught that mistake, things get easier. They just drive right past the facade of the opera, take a right turn and then enter the garage. Easy peasy. For whoever’s actually paying attention to the map.

- They’re in the garage now and I have to write another kiss. Shoot! I do not vibe with writing kisses. Writing sex scenes is much easier. But I’ll try my best because this is a little bit necessary if we’re dealing with an insertion of a vibrator in a public bathroom one minute from now. (Again, logistics!) I actually went back to add in a little discomfort during the kiss (but not too much because they’re consumed with each other anyway and probably missed something) just to make it more realistic. They can’t be comfortable in the car. Also, you have got to love how I never even thought of what make the car is. But I did stop to research the tinting of the car windows.

- Now this is extremely funny but I would have had zero idea that there are different laws about how tinted your car windows can be in the USA if I hadn’t read a very extensive critique of Fifty Shades (whichever part it was that had that info). So I look up the VLT for New York and it says 70%. Great! Then it won’t be that visible through the windows what they’re doing inside. Oh, wait! VLT means Visible Light Transmission aka 70% of the light should be passing through the window. Aka it is only tinted on 30%. This much:

That’s practically nothing. You can see everything through it. Welp, then someone’s gonna see, I guess.

- Can’t believe I didn’t stop to look up clutches either. (Lmao, I was calling it a purse instead of a clutch at first even though I definitely meant a clutch. And then I remembered that clutch existed as a word. Who would’ve thought?) It’s baffling trying to figure out why my brain was prioritizing some details over others and I just genuinely have no idea what was going on.

- Griffin is blushing a lot in this. Can you tell I have no idea how else to convey Valtor giving her feelings through body language?

- I first envisioned the box being opened by the hair pin by turning it like a key. Only later did I realize that that wouldn’t be possible because the pin has two parts (whatever they’re called) and that would make turning it impossible unless all of the base fits into one hole in the lid of the box. So I had to adapt my vision to using the extensions at the ends of the hair pin like a hook that pulls the lid up once it’s clicked free. I have zero idea how that would be done but I’m sure it can be done. So yeah, anyway, the pin looks like this but with attachments at the ends to open the box:

- I might have gone a little overboard with Griffin’s reaction to having the vibrator inside her. I might have made her a bit too embarrassed but I still think that she simply wouldn’t appreciate someone knowing about what she considers a private experience (despite the very public setting).

- And I am being overly specific again with the seats but I worked for that information so you’re getting it against your will!

- Speaking of, that man in their box was pretty ignored throughout the fic. But then again Griffin wasn’t overflowing with lucidity. She is sure to have missed... A Lot, actually.

- My apologies (once again) to @her-majesty-wears-jeans for not letting Griffin punch Valtor in the face for the terrible pun he was about to make but I thought that that would ruin the mood so I had to skip it.

- I might have imagined things a little differently but then consent factored in and I had to change things up so that Griffin is clearly on board with everything. I hope it came through that way at least. She is on board even if she is very, very frustrated. She would never throw the bet just because it’s difficult for her. Though, I’m taking note for future fics of maybe being a little bit more explicit about the enjoyment of all parties involved. I just couldn’t really think of a way to convey it better back then and I am coming up with several ideas now and I will try to keep them in mind for future fics.

- I keep going back and forth on just how far into their relationship this is. Sometimes it feels like it’s not enough time for them to get this familiar with each other and sometimes it feels like too much for them to still be skirting their feelings for each other like that. Will update when I make up my mind about how long exactly it has been.

- In retrospect, probably should have picked up an opera that people would be less likely to bring their children to (as brought to my attention by @her-majesty-wears-jeans). I apologize for this. Did not consider it at all.

- A wild tangent about Griffin’s sexual experiences before Valtor popped up (for the second time now). This is giving me thoughts and I am not even sure if I’ll manage to get them all out in the bachelorette party fic. Oh, no, I am getting ideas again.

- God, I had to mention those paper birds because I adore them. Also, needed to do a time skip somehow (sure hope they don’t show up at the very end or the very beginning).

- So there are some things about the whole thing with the suit jacket that if you squint, you’ll miss the very far-fetched and convoluted ways in which I could make them make sense but again, it isn’t impossible to make them operate according to logic so good enough.

- And now for the dress:

I thought it would be reasonable for Griffin to own something like that. It doesn’t look overly expensive or dramatic.

- I swear that most of the 2% angst was an accident. Griffin was supposed to say the “You paid how much for tickets exactly just so you could fool around?” line but the following few paragraphs sprang on me out of nowhere. That was where I left it off the first day I was working on it and I wasn’t sure how to continue it. Then the angst happened.

- I do not believe the retaliation part was planned but would it really be a Griffin x Valtor story if something like that hadn’t happened? XD

- “reverberated”, “multitudinous” and “unobtainable” are probably not words that Griffin’s muddled mind would go to in that precise moment but everything else I came up with for them just did not sound right.

- I completely forgot the word for neckline and was so mad at myself for that but, luckily, I managed to remember it before posting the fic. I believe the original read “he slipped a finger under the fabric of her dress, running it over the top of her breast” which is not incorrect but just not precise enough for my liking.

- Sure hope the shortened version of the opera did not cut out the ending musical sequence. But that seems unlikely.

- The idea was running overly long in my head by having them going back to the penthouse so that I could have the scene where he picked her up so I decided to move things around and have him carry her bridal style on their way from the opera to the car. It’s not like she didn’t earn it.

- Pretty sure I had planned something a little different for the last several lines of dialogue but I couldn’t remember what so we get this. Which isn’t a disadvantage. I mean, Griffin is already thinking of marrying him. XD (That’s probably a bit of a stretch at the current status of their relationship but then again, she was thinking of a wedding, not necessarily of their wedding even though I’m clearly a little romance gargoyle that meant exactly that.)

- Originally, Valtor was supposed to floor the brakes while they were out in the NYC traffic but then I decided that doing it while still in the garage with only one car behind them and both vehicles driving at a very slow speed was a lot safer so I switched to that. It also saved me writing more words which was appreciated. I thought this fic would be a bit shorter.

- I was at a loss for how many orgasms Griffin should want from him but then the commitment line happened and that was all avoided.

#winx club #winx griffin #winx valtor #griffin x valtor #covenshipping #sparks of life #singing a new tune #trivia #trivia tuesday #research #my writing process #the magic flute #yeah no cut and this is gonna be hell on mobile #i know #i'm evil

9 notes · View notes

sunflovverharry · 4 years

Text

Allegiance - Fakedating!Harry

Finally decided to make a new tumblr for my writing as I’ve been wanting to start posting forever ago, but my former blog was marked explicit for no reason!! BUT here I am, shitting bricks that I’m actually posting my work.. Let me present to you; Fakedating!Harry

word count: 4.4k warnings: language, drinking, angst, fluff summary: harry and y/n go through the ups and downs of their slowly changing relationship pairing: harry x reader

!!!!! it’s my first time releasing anything I’ve ever written and i’m shitting my pants. this was so fun to write and I hope you enjoy it! please reblog, like or tell me what you liked about it, i’ll greatly appreciate it🥺 i have a series i’m working on atm that’ll be out soon (hopefully), along with multiple one-shots so look out for that if you enjoyed this piece (the series is fwb!harry if that’ll help you want to read it hahah). enjoy my first one-shot of fakedating!harry (might put out a part 2 to this sometime but don’t take my word for it)

It wasn’t the first family gathering I had to come with him to. Not even the tenth. No, it was probably more like the fiftieth I couldn’t say no to coming to during the last two tears. Two years of playing his loving and devoting girlfriend. His family and friends have known us as the perfect couple since he first introduced me a warm july evening two years ago. Apart from it being a fake relationship, it seems pretty fucking real to the outside world. Maybe we’re just that great actors.

July 19th 2018

Harry took a hold of my hand as we walked through the luxurious modern home in the outskirts of London. It is the first time I’ve stepped foot in this house - eager to catch every little detail as I slowly walked beside Harry. It was gorgeous and I hoped to get a tour sometime. Not that I even know if I’ll ever come back here after tonight. It might be a one-night thing for all I know, only agreeing to come with Harry because I literally could not find an excuse to save my life.

Being at a function where you know next to nobody except your supposed boyfriend is terrifying, but at the same time I had to hide my nerves in case anyone caught on.

Our family has never had any big parties or get-togethers except for weddings - which there weren’t many of. Most of my cousins decided they were off fine without a marriage certificate to validate their relationships. I supported them in their decision, but ultimately I want to marry the one I one day want to spend the rest of my life with. Not having the best relationship reputation it’ll probably be a while until a wedding where I’m the bride takes place.

The large double french doors leading out to the expansive garden were open for guests to go in and out of the house and to the garden where mostly everyone were mingling when we arrived. The engagement celebration of Harry’s sister and her fiancée was in full swing and it looked as if we were the last ones missing. That made it all the more terrifying. How on earth are we going to keep up the façade of us being in a relationship all night?

We’d talked about details on the way here deciding to go with our friends setting us up on a blind date a few months back. It isn’t far from the truth, but we were definitely not on a date. We had to accompany our best mates who were on a date, but for the most part we ignored each other only letting the talk and get to know each other. The worst thing is, it wasn’t even worth it as they literally shagged and didn’t see each other again.

As to how we’re now here together - I accidentally walked into him and spilt my tea all over his fancy suit clinging to his body. Cliché, I know. To repay him for the spill, he asked me to be his pretend girlfriend and like I said I suck at excuses so here we are about to be introduced to his whole family it seems. Way to take away the attention from the happy couple.

«Mum.» Harry’s hand slipped from mine as we closed up on the group to the left. I didn’t want to interrupt a reunion between Harry and his mum so I kept my stance a few feet behind him and waited for Harry to take the lead as he hugged his mum saying a quick hello to the rest of the people standing in the small circle.

«Y/n, mum. Mum, y/n.» Harry stepped to the side so I could take the short steps forward to greet his mother. It was the first time I was meeting a guy of any sort parents and I’m sure I was shaking as she pulled me in for a hug. It was warm and welcoming as she whispered in my ear.

«It’s so lovely to meet you finally, y/n.» I smiled at her as we parted. She kept her hands on my upper arms taking me in with her moving eyes. «Harry hasn’t told us anything or answered a single question about you, but now I can ask you myself!» She cheered as Harry groaned in the background. How was this lovely lady basically getting pulled into a trap by her 26 year old son?

The next few greetings went above and beyond my expectations. With knowing how insensitive and closed off Harry, I had imagined his family was the same - which looking back was unkind of me as his family are the complete opposite. Being here accompanied by his loved ones also showed me that maybe Harry isn’t as hard as he comes off as, he just doesn’t like to open up to the wrong people. I can tolerate and understand that, but he hasn’t exactly made an effort to get to know me, so I wouldn’t say he has a right to be heartless towards me. Not after I’ve done him a massive favor.

«How long have you been together then?» Harry had gone to talk to his future brother-in-law and sister and I was left seated with some family friends of theirs. I didn’t mind one bit spending time with other people than Harry. It was freeing not having to pretend and have his hand caressing my thigh and asking if I wanted anything from the bar. Sure, I would have reveled in it if we were anything close to friends or even lovers, but just knowing it’s him makes me want to shake him off.

«It’ll be six months on the 27th. We had our second date on his birthday actually and he didn’t even tell me! Can you believe that?» I asked incredulously. It wasn’t true, we hadn’t even met up on his birthday nevertheless been on a fucking date.

We sat in comfortable conversation for a couple minutes talking about Harry and me before he came back sliding his arm over the back of my chair. His fingertips trailed up and down my arm as he quickly got back into the conversation.

It felt oddly normal when we were conversing about day-to-day subject and talking about solely ourselves, but then I’m brought right back into the plain lie about our relationship.

July 2nd 2020

This time it wasn’t an engagement party though, it was a celebration of Marie and Jack having been married for 30 years. It’s a huge accomplishment and compared to every other gathering, I’m happy to be here. Though the fake relationship between Harry and I hasn’t been the best, we’ve certainly tried our best and his family still seem to believe it.

We’ve had our ups and downs in private, but always been on our best behavior out with his family - holding hands, laying my head on his shoulder, him kissing my temple and squeezing my waist. It didn’t happen all too often, thank god, but we’d shared the odd kiss or two at times where it deemed right to do so. I’m not sure I could bear getting a taste of his lips more than I had to. At his sister's wedding last summer when we were slow dancing somewhere in the midst of all his family and their friends we slowly leaned in - whether in the heat of the moment or because it seemed we had to i’m still not sure. Either way, it was a nice kiss shared between us when we were both drunk off of champagne and the love we felt around us.

Since, there’s been a few pecks here and there, but mostly keeping to placing our lips on the others cheek, forehead or hand. I do think Harry’s opened up, though only slightly, it still warmed my heart. We’ve had quite a few enjoyable chats whilst driving home or sitting in a corner of the garden we’ve spent most our time in at his parents home. I still don’t know where he lives, him picking me up and only going to wherever the dinner or party would be held.

We haven’t discussed how much longer we’re keeping the lie going about us, but it was starting to gnaw at me knowing we would probably part ways in not too long and never meet again. He had become a part of my life I’m not sure I want to lose. The beginning was horrible and we didn’t get along in private, but after that kiss at the wedding something turned in the both of us (I hope).

Up until recently we’ve been really fucking lucky to have avoided all questions about moving in together and a possible ring on my finger. Weeks ago when we had dinner with his parents the questions surely weren’t held away though. Babies, apartments, rings and everything of the sort were brought up. It was heavy subject for two people who barely could stand each other a year ago and by the end of the dinner I was more than ready to put an end to this extremely complicated lie. It’s turned into much more than the one party I agreed to the first time he asked me.

We had a nice chat about how we were excited to see his nieces again in the car, giggling about our memories with them these last two years. It was nice being so open and comfortable with him not having to worry about him being angry or quiet. He talked back and laughed with me and even told me a couple stories from before I was in their life. I’ll miss them and the rest of his family when we inevitably end us.

Marie greeted us just like she does every time we come by, for dinner, a party or game night I just couldn’t refuse to join in on - with a kind smile grazing her lips and the same welcoming hug she’d given me the first time we met and ever since. It was really something I was looking forward to when I knew I’d be seeing her.

«Harry, y/n! You look fabulous, did you force him to match his tie to your dress?» Marie squinted her eyes at me in a ‘I know he’d never do it if he wasn’t forced to’ look. And of course, she knew her son way better than I did and only laughed with her as I told her yes, indeed I even had to put it on him myself. Which was the truth for once.

«Hopefully we’ll be throwing you some kind of celebration sometime soon, yeah? Engagement, pregnancy?» She hinted at the subjects we tried our very best to steer away from at all times as we followed her back to the garden I was falling more and more in love with. For the most part we’d been able to laugh our way out of it.

Harry laughed as he took two glasses of champagne from a server for the both of us to sip. It would definitely clear any pregnancy rumours which I’m sure there were swirling around between his family members. This family does not like to take their time with anything, saying life is too short to fool around. I’m sure they’re concerned and suspicious of why we’re taking things slow not even living together when his sisters all got engaged or married within the two first years, but they’ll be let in on our secret soon enough I hope.

In one way I’d love for this all to be over and continue to live my life as I did before Harry - but to be honest I’m not quite sure how I’ll ever go back to that. Life with Harry sure has its pros and I would enjoy it as long as it lasted. Especially the expensive champagne they always seemed to have at every function.

A couple hours or so later the speeches were in full swing. I knew Harry wasn’t doing one as I’m sure everyone would think he’d propose to me at the end of it, so he decided to forget about it. After his sisters had said some lines each, Marie and Jack stood up at the head table right next to us. They looked as in love now as they did two years ago and it was incredible witnessing how the spark between them never seemed to die. I can only wish to have a marriage as wonderful.

«You want more to drink? Can have mine if you want.» Harry offered quietly before Jack asked everyone about how gorgeous his wife looks tonight. He truly adores her and it shows in every way he acts and speaks to her.

«Yes, please. Thank you.» I grabbed the glass of some sort of concoction from his much larger hand. Smiling up at him, I sipped the drink from the straw feeling his hand squeeze my waist to pull me closer though I’m not sure how much closer I could get unless I sat on his lap. We’d been touching each other considerably more than usual during the night. It felt good and with how friendly we’ve been lately I almost wanted more, just like how I’ve been wanting for the last couple months. More touching my thigh, more squeezing my waist, more kisses on my temple, more brushing my hair away from my face. He was addicting, inexplicably so.

Harry put his lips to my cheek as we listened to his parents speak about how their love was at an all time high, even after thirty years of marriage, four children and a couple of granddaughters to show for it. The softness to their voices as they spoke passionate, kind, loving words to each other was absolutely remarkable. It brought my deepest feelings out and I couldn’t help but shed a tear or two. I hadn’t noticed they were falling before I felt Harry’s thumb whisking them away and pulling my head to rest on his shoulder, another kiss planted on my forehead this time.

I savored the moment, the love I felt all too much for me while thinking about how this would be over far too soon for my liking. His family were growing on me. Harry was growing on me. I enjoyed his company, when he would open up without me asking or begging to know a small detail that probably didn’t matter to him as much as it did to me. He had become a huge part of my everyday life by now, texting him on days we weren’t meeting up.

I firmly remember the first day we hung out just us two. It was a Tuesday evening and we had gone out to eat - really only to grab a photo we could give to his parents who had been begging for one. This was around halloween last year, so we were on solid grounds by then.

At first it was awkward as hell, neither knowing what to say or how to start the conversation, but after we had ordered we soon got into conversation and we didn’t stop until we’d been sat there for three hours. It still baffles my mind how nice that dinner was and how I didn’t ever think ‘can this be over soon?’. Thinking back, I think that’s the exact moment I realized I might’ve grown feelings for the man.

The night had gone by in a blink of the eye, suddenly it was nearing midnight and we had just said goodbye and were making our way to his car. Sitting down and watching the house as Harry reversed out of the parking spot, I thought about what a lovely night it’s been. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed myself and this one party will forever be the reason I won’t ever regret fake dating Harry Styles. His mum made it all worth it when he didn’t.

«Would you like to come to mine for a drink before heading home? It’s still quite early for a Saturday, innit?» Harry didn’t come off as nervous or scared to ask me to join him at his place before sending me home. There was no way I could deny his request as I’d finally get to see the flat he resides in and I’ve imagined for two years.

It only took us around ten minutes to get to his flat, shocked to see that it isn’t as far from mine as I thought. He’s got enough money to live in a nicer area, but this definitely has charm to it and maybe that’s why he wants to live here.

The flat itself was victorian but with a modern upgrade. A luxurious kitchen with all the appliances one could need, a lovely island serving as his dining table that led into the living room. I wanted to jump onto the couch and lay there for eternity by only looking at how soft and comfortable it seems. The rather large L-shaped couch took up most of the room, but he’d made sure to have enough space for tall, wide bookshelves filled with anything but books behind it.

Don’t get me started on the dark wood flooring that looked as original as it could get. They brought character to the flat and blended the old victorian feel in nicely with the more modern look of the walls and kitchen. I’d love to have a place like this someday.

«You can sit down and I’ll grab a bottle of wine, sound alright?» Harry hung his suit jacket that he hadn’t worn at all on one of the chairs lined by the island counter. He moved into the corner of the kitchen where I couldn’t see him any longer as I stepped off my shoes before tiptoeing to the couch falling down into it. I was right about it being soft and comfortable. It was as if I was being lulled to sleep all I needed was a light blanket tucking me in and I’d be set for a good night's sleep.

Harry chuckled when he came out from the kitchen, a bottle of red in one hand and two glasses in the other, to see me cuddling into his couch. I don’t know what he does in his free time or if he usually has girls around his flat and this is a normal view for him, but right now I didn’t care. He was giving me wine and a comfy place to sit which honestly is enough for now. I don’t want to scare him away by talking about my feelings for him past midnight, half drunk after all the drinks I’d already had tonight.

Chatting to Harry was a breeze. We giggled before getting serious and then struggling to breath as we laughed harder than ever before. It felt light and good, like we were the best of friends and for a moment I thought I could live with that. As long as I got to continue having moments like these with him, I could deal with only being friends. Then I had another glass of wine and decided that I couldn’t bear him not knowing how I feel for one more second.

«Harry.. we can’t keep doing this. It’s not fair to the people involved, and it’s absolutely not fair to us.» My eyes were watching my finger trailing the pattern of one of his pillows I was holding in my lap. There was no foreshadowing to tell Harry that I would bring this up and I could tell he wasn’t ready for it by the sharp intake of breath that could be heard from him.

«I’ve thought about it recently and obviously we both knew this couldn’t last forever. I’ve grown a lot the past two years and I know what I want now. A fake relationship isn’t it, no matter how much I adore your family.» I could feel my throat burning as I tried to keep my tears at bay. The last thing I wanted to sit in front of him crying my eyes out. Still not daring to let my eyes reach his, I closed my eyes as I continued talking.

«The first year was awful. You weren’t nice to me and after doing you a huge fucking favour, which I still don’t know why you needed a fake girlfriend, you were still treating me just like how you did the first time we met. Then after your sisters wedding, it started getting better and by winter we were good friends. Something shifted in us, in me at least that night and I can’t overlook it anymore. It’s fine if this is it for us, ‘cause I can’t lie to your family anymore, but I need you to know one thing before I leave.» It felt so good telling him how I’d felt for so long, only one last thing to tell him.

Pushing myself to look up at him, I took a deep breath and opened my eyes. I couldn’t hold back the tears. He looked so vulnerable though he wasn’t the one holding his breath with a heavy heart trying to tell someone they have stronger feelings for them than might be reciprocated. He looked worried seeing me cry, but didn’t do anything knowing I didn’t want a hand to hold or a hug at this moment.

«I realized tonight that the night we first went out for dinner to take that picture for your parents was also the first time I understood my feelings towards you. It’s fucking insane that even after a year of basically hating your company, three months of us being friends was all it took for me to get feelings for you. I don’t want a fake relationship and I don’t want to be just your friend. I’m not going to say I’m sorry if this ruins things completely between us because I’m finally being true to myself and to you.»

Harry looked as if someone had just punched him in the face. His mouth was hanging open, jaw slack, eyes wide filled with curiosity. I had never let myself take in his gorgeous face completely. It’d only do me more pain than pleasure. Now though, I’m taking in every single detail I can before he either tells me to please leave or throw me out.

I removed my eyes from his face when his phone made a noise telling him someone sent a text message. It being close to one thirty in the morning made me incredibly curious as to who could be texting him now.

He apparently took his time to read it instead of responding to me as it was dead silent for another minute or so. Maybe he was replying or it was a really long fucking text.

Letting out a long sigh he dropped his phone back down on the table. It seemed he wasn’t quite sure what to do or say with how he dragged his hands over his face before standing up only to sit back down again five seconds later.

«Mum wants you to know that she loves you and thanks you for being with me, not just today but in general. This is how it’s been for the last two years for me, y/n. My family adores the shit out of you and I get at least two texts a day from mum asking how you’re doing and when she’ll see you next. It’s always y/n this and y/n that. You’ve invaded everyone’s minds and they’re obsessed with you.» Though it was nice hearing how much of an impact I’ve made, it almost made me more sad than happy. A couple more tears fell as I listened to him go on.

«The first year I tried so fucking hard to make you want to end it. Every time I asked you to come with me I hoped you’d say no and end it just so I could get you out of my head. You invaded my mind just like you did everyone elses and I couldn’t fucking bear it knowing we weren’t a real couple. After that kiss at the wedding I couldn’t keep my act together. It was excruciating being mean to you so I tried being your friend. I still to this day don’t know which was worse, being closed off or close to you.» Harry took one last breath before moving slightly so that he could reach over to hold my hands in his. This isn’t what I had expected and I still don’t want to get my hopes up.

«I want what my sisters have, what my parents have. I’ve wanted that so badly that I began thinking it wouldn’t happen as I’m 28 and still haven’t had one long-lasting relationship. I’d started to believe that it wasn’t in the cards for me - having a wife and a family. Then you came around and I these two years have showed me how fucking perfect you are and how you deserve so much better than me. But I’m a selfish man and I want you, y/n. Want you so much.» Not being able to keep away longer, I swiftly closed the gap between us, slotting my lips with his as I moved to straddle his waist.

It felt unbelievably good to kiss him like this, passion and lust clear as day as our tongues met for the first time. He wants me. I couldn’t stop saying the three words in my head as I let go to catch my breath. How in the world could I be so lucky to be wanted by the man I want?

I laughed as I wiped at my cheeks, removing the tear stains as well as I could without a wet washcloth to clean them off. Harry guided his lips from my jaw up to my cheek ending with a kiss to my shut eyelid. I had never experienced Harry being this soft and attentive, but it was all the more to look forward to.

«Maybe we can turn the fake relationship into a real one and not tell my whole family about it?» There was a cheeky smile playing on his lips as I let out another laugh. If this is what I have to look forward to - jokes, laugher and passionate kisses possibly leading to something more - then I couldn’t wait.

«Of course, Harry. And tell your mum I love her back and give her my number, will you? I’m still looking for a tour of their house after two years of you not giving me one.»

#harry styles fic #harry styles imagine #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles #harry styles fluff #harry styles angst #harry styles fanfic #harry styles fiction #harry styles writing #allegiance

139 notes · View notes

buckthegrump · 4 years

Text

Are You Leaving My Love Behind?

Summary: At lot can happen in five years, but even more can happen in a few months.

Warnings: Angst, pregnancy stuff, mentions of violence, fluff kind of

Word Count: 4.9k

A/n: this is for @wkemeup ‘s writing challenge my prompt was “please tell me that isn’t your blood” sorry it took me so fucking long to get it out

2018

“Ok, we’re gonna start trying,” Charlie smiled as his wife, Y/n, who smiled back at him.

“I think now’s the best time, I mean we’re never gonna be really ready, ya know?” She lifted her wine glass.

He lifted his glass to tap against hers. But they never touched. Just as they were about to, Y/n’s fell to the ground and shattered. Charlie turned his attention to the mess she had made while Y/n stared at her hand in horror. He looked back up at her with a question on his lips that was never fully formed.

Painfully slow, they watched as Y/n’s body slowly turned gray then to dust. She looked her husband in the eye.

“I love you,” was the last thing she said before she disappeared.

Charlie sat on the couch watching as the dust particles of his wife slowly fell to the ground.

2023

Y/n was sitting on a couch in a house. Her house, but this wasn’t her couch. The room looked like her living room, but there was something off about it, something different that she couldn’t identify. And it was more than just the fact that the couch was different.

“Y/n?” A familiar voice filled her eyes and relief washed over her. That is until she turned around.

Charlie was standing there with another woman. He looked different, older, tired, still hot though. But it was the other woman that stood there with him that had most of Y/n’s attention. It was the possessive hand on his bicep, and more so the blinding ring on her left hand.

“Charlie,” Y/n whispered, unable to hide the fear and hurt in her voice, “Who’s this?”

* * *

Y/n stared at the snack table in front of her. All the donuts had been sliced in half despite the fact that it was a full dozen and there weren’t even six people in the room. And she highly doubted that anyone else would join, her therapist said that it was a smaller group.

Maybe it was so small because not many people knew about it. It didn’t help that it was in the gym of an old high school that was not only creepy but a little hard to find. Or maybe people were scared off by the superheroes that were sitting around the circle. Even though there were only two of them.

Y/n grabbed two whole donuts silently daring anyone to say anything about it and sat down in a chair. The two superheroes and one civilian sat next to each other and the leader of this grief group sat in a chair that was meant to be the head of the circle. While Y/n had secluded herself from the group.

“I think now is a good time to start,” the leader spoke, “My name is Sarah, for those of us who are new.”

Sarah very pointedly looked at Y/n who was still chowing down on her donuts trying to turn invisible.

“Anyway -” Sarah then made everyone introduce themselves and share something.

Sam and Bucky were here because they’d lost their friends. Y/n couldn’t tell if they were talking about Tony Stark or Steve Rogers, or maybe both. Maddi was there because while she’d just given birth when she got dusted and came back to a child that she didn’t know, which made Y/n feel stupid for her thing.

So she told them that she was just having trouble adjusting to life after ‘the blip’. Which wasn’t a complete lie but at this point, she was much more interested in finishing her donut.

Y/n didn’t talk much the rest of the time and let the others speak and work through their problems.

“Y/n,” Sarah addressed her at the end of group, “Are you sure you don’t have anything you’d like to share?”

“Not this week,” she answered.

And for a few weeks, she would answer the same way and Sarah would give her the same look. As time went on a few more people joined the group until there were a whopping eight people there, not including Sarah. (Still not enough for them to have any real reason to cut the donuts in half, in Y/n’s correct opinion.) Y/n hadn’t really bothered to commit their names to her memory but it’s not like she ever talked to anyone outside of this.

She hadn’t planned on saying much in group at all, she only came because her therapist said that if she continued to come he would bring some of his wife’s baking to one of their sessions. And she really wanted some cookies.

But, earlier that day she’d sat in an office across from Charlie.

“Y/n, anything you’d like to share this week?” Sarah asked as she did every week. She was clearly expecting Y/n to say no.

“I shouldn’t hate Daniella, I know logically I shouldn’t but apparently the smart part of my brain is much smaller than the stupid part,” Y/n said. She almost left it at that just to get it off her chest.

“Why?” Bucky asked. Y/n and he locked eyes for a moment that seemed way too long for the setting there were in before she answered him.

“Why what?”

“Why do you hate her?”

Y/n laughed humorlessly. “She’s living the life I want. I know how that sounds but it’s true. I was dusted out of existence and when I came back apparently it was five years later and my husband, who watched me die, had fallen in love with someone else and asked her to marry him. So you can imagine his shock when I reappeared on the sofa in the middle of the afternoon as if nothing had happened.

“He still wants to marry her,” she could feel the lump in her throat begin to rise and did nothing to stop the tears from flowing. “So he asked for a divorce. And I know that it was five years ago and he’s changed, he had to live through my death. But he didn’t. . . I didn’t change. It’s only been four months since I’ve been back and he didn’t even try.”

She paused but no one spoke. They all sat there staring at her.

“And I know that my problems aren’t half as bad as some of the shit that y’all are going through but I just -” Y/n tried to swallow but it was hard. “Why the fuck does she get my life?”

* * *

Y/n was sitting in a forgotten hallway of the school, yes with the box of donuts in her lap. But she had lost her appetite.

“Ya know it’s considered rude to run off with the donuts.” She looked up to find Bucky Barnes standing next to her. She opened the box and offered him some. He grabbed one of the jelly-filled ones and sat down next to her.

“We were going to try for kids, probably adopt some too, he really loved kids.”

“It’s really shitty of him for doing that to you,” he whispered.

“I lied, he didn’t ask for the divorce,” she admitted, “I did.”

“Why?”

“For the first month, I lived with them. I watched them interact and I -” she paused to compose herself. “He used to look at me like that. It’s not his fault I’m still living in the past. For a week I thought I was pregnant, and I was so relieved when I wasn’t. I don’t think I would’ve kept it if I had been.”

Bucky didn’t say anything and he hadn’t taken a bite of his donut yet.

“Sorry, group is over I shouldn’t be unloading all my bullshit on you.” She began to stand.

“It’s fine I don’t mind,” he told her.

“You’re very sweet, but it’s not like we’re friends or anything,” she smiled down at him.

He stumbled to his feet before she could walk away. “We could be.”

She looked at him expecting to see pity behind his gaze but she found none. What she did find was something that she couldn’t put a name to.

“Ok,” she agreed, “I don’t have many friends these days. Walk with me.”

So he walked her ‘home’ which was more of a temporary living situation. She had always been a babbler, it was something that Charlie constantly said would get her in trouble sooner rather than later. That day had finally arrived.

“I was sorry to hear about your friends,” she said as they walked.

“Thanks,” he said with a shrug.

“Do you miss him? Captain America, I mean. What do I even call him? Captain America seems so formal but calling him Steve Rogers seems too casual ya know?”

“It’s complicated. It’s not like we were dating or anything but I thought -” the nearly forgotten donut in his hand made its way to his mouth. Y/n walked silently waiting for him to continue his thought or change the subject. “I just assumed that we were something different.”

“Were you in love with him?” She blurted and he nearly choked on his bite. “You don’t have to answer that. In fact, forget I even asked.”

“I think so,” he answered once he was able to speak. “But clearly he didn’t feel the same way about me.”

“Why do you say that?”

Bucky chuckled. “That’s a little harder to explain.”

“Well, you’re in luck,” she said as she stopped in front of a dingy motel. “This is me.”

Bucky’s brows knitted together and his lip twinged in disgust. “You live here?”

“Well, I couldn’t really continue living with the happy couple, could I?” She asked. “Good night, Bucky. I’ll see ya next week.”

* * *

Charlie was talking about something to do with the divorce, but Y/n wasn’t really listening.

“Y/n,” he said pulling her from her daydreaming.

“Huh?”

“I know when you’re spacing out, is everything ok?”

Y/n let out a quiet sigh. What a loaded question. But the short answer was no. Of course, she wasn’t ok. How could she be? She was about to get a divorce that she wasn’t sure she wanted. Sure, she was the one who asked for it, but the look of relief on Charlie’s face when she suggested it-

If she hadn’t had said it when she did, sooner or later, he would’ve.

The paper was just sitting there on the table in front of her. The legal side of the divorce was pretty straight forward with a little leeway for Y/n after being gone for five years.

“I’m fine, Charlie,” she said. After taking a deep breath she flipped the pen in her fingers and signed the paper without a second thought. “I’ll see ya around, Ace.”

“Y/n,” he said.

Before he could get another word out she rushed through the doors. She walked faster than she needed to away from the building once she was outside knowing that Charlie would probably try to follow her. Well, at least her Charlie from five years ago would’ve.

She wandered around the city for hours until she found herself outside the high school, that had recently reopened, where the grief group was held. It wasn’t until she saw Sam and Bucky walking towards her that she remembered that it was Thursday and they did have group today. She was also painfully aware of the tear streaks that stained her cheeks.

Sam made a b-line for the high school entrance, while Bucky walked right to her.

“What’s wrong?” He started to lift his had but put it back down at his side thinking better of it. She began to shake her head ready to deny that anything was wrong. “Don’t bother lying to me.”

“I signed the divorce papers today,” she whispered.

Bucky pressed his lips into a thin line. “Do you wanna skip today?” She nodded and he gave her a small smile. “C’mon, I know of something way more fun than dealing with our emotions.”

* * *

Y/n was still crying but now they were tears from laughing too hard. Bucky had fallen on his ass for the seventh time in two minutes. One would think that a highly trained assassin would know how to stay upright on a pair of roller skates.

“Who knew that all they need to defeat the great Bucky Barnes is a pair of skates,” she giggled as she rolled over to him to help him up.

“Keep laughing,” he grunted, “I’m about to get the hang of this stupid thing and lap you so hard.”

“Oh, I don’t think so baby blue.” She offered him his hand, which he gladly took. But once he was standing he instantly almost fell again but Y/n caught him helping him balance. He was gripping her for arms as he steadied himself. He looked up from his feet to her face.

The lights of the roller rink dimmed and the disco ball was the only thing illuminating the floor, some 80’s love ballad started playing, and the rest of the people skating around them ceased to exist for a brief moment.

All the pain that she’d been feeling for that past few months, every thought of Daniella and Charlie, everything, except for Bucky, melted away. And for one glorious second, her heart wasn’t heavy.

But then the moment was over and it all came rushing back hitting her like a semi-truck barreling down the highway.

She smiled and gently prompted Bucky to stand up on his own.

“Here’s your chance hot-shot, get the hang of it and lap me.” She stuck her tongue out at him and skated away from him.

Once she was facing away from him her smile dropped. If she had stayed in that position even a half-second longer she would’ve done something stupid. Like, try to kiss him, which only could’ve ended with him rejecting her. For a multitude of reasons on his end, and she just wasn’t ready for something like that.

The universe was clearly playing some sort of cosmic joke on her.

About an hour later they were walking down the street in the general direction of Y/n’s temporary home but she almost didn’t want the night to end.

“Thank you,” she said bumping her shoulder against Bucky’s as they walked. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“I meant it when I said I wanted to be friends.”

She looked down at the ground smiling. He shouldn’t be affecting her like this, she’d just signed divorce papers for fuck’s sake.

“Give me your phone,” she said when they stopped in front of the motel. He handed it over to her unlocked and she put her number in and handed it back. “There, now we don’t have to wait a week to talk to each other.”

“You might regret this choice,” he teased then bid her goodbye.

Later that night she got a text from Bucky. It was some video with the caption ‘I thought you would find this funny.’

* * *

A few days after she signed the papers, she found an apartment that was move-in ready. Things were finally starting to look up for her. She wanted to text Charlie and just talk to him but she restrained herself.

Instead, she distracted herself with social media, and apparently she hadn’t unfollowed her ex-husband because the first thing she saw on Instagram was a picture of him and Daniella. It was obviously some of their engagement photos, and whatever good feelings she’d had, flew out the window.

On a whim, she texted the only friend she had these days. She wasn’t expecting anything to come from it, but about forty-five minutes later Bucky was knocking at her door.

“What are you doing here?” She asked as she opened the door.

“I brought treats,” he said walking in not waiting for her to invite him in. He set the brown bag down on her coffee table and sat on her couch. “And there are a bunch of movies that I’ve been told are classics that I haven’t seen yet, so help me catch up.”

She smiled at him as she sat next to him on the couch and dug into the bag of snacks.

They were halfway through the first movie when she was hit with a sudden wave of emotions and she started crying.

“Woah,” Bucky whispered putting down his drink on the coffee table. He turned to her. “What’s wrong?”

“He’s my best friend, or he was,” she wiped the tears off her cheeks, “Any time someone talks about getting a divorce they don’t talk about that you lose your best friend. I saw something stupid on the street a few days ago like right after the signing and I wanted to text Charlie so bad. And I had the message all typed and ready to go when I remembered that I can’t do that anymore.

“Not to mention that all my friends pre-blip weren’t blipped away and now they have all moved on and I’m still in the same place I was five years ago.” She looked down at her hands and picked at her thumbnail. “I just - all my life I was afraid of being left behind, and now I have been.”

“Well, I like stupid things,” Bucky said, “so next time you can text me. We’re friends, and I know what it’s like to be left behind.”

* * *

As the week went on Y/n realized a pattern in her behavior. Any time that she found something funny or just wanted to talk to anyone, Bucky was her first choice. She had other friends but Bucky had quickly become her best friend.

Thursday came faster than she expected it to. And for once, she was actually looking forward to it.

That is until she opened Instagram. Charlie had posted again, and it used to be that he would post maybe once every month if that. So him posting again so soon after the most recent one, surprised her a little, but, she could handle Charlie and Daniella being cute in one post.

She was sitting in the chair in the circle while the rest of the patrons trickled in, and that’s when she finally really looked at the post and her heart nearly stopped.

“Alrighty,” Sarah said calling attention to herself, “Let’s begin. Does anyone want to start us off?”

Everyone was silent, Y/n sent a pleading look to Bucky who was across the circle from her. She knew that if no one else started it Sarah would -

“Y/n,” Sarah said as if she could read minds, “We missed you last week. Anything you’d like to share?”

Y/n snorted. “Two seconds before I was turned to dust, my husband, well ex-husband, and I had just decided to start trying for a kid. And now we’re divorced, and his new fiancee is pregnant. Or at least they just announced it, which means they’ve known for a few months. But I’m just trying to figure out what the fuck I did in a past life to warrant this kind of bullshit. Ya know?”

“Well,” Sarah started but Y/n wasn’t paying attention. All of her attention was on Bucky who was staring back at her. His gaze was unwavering. He offered her a small smile, which she returned.

At that moment, something deep inside her sparked back to life. She knew the feeling, she hadn’t had these feelings since the beginning of her relationship with Charlie. She had this feeling of almost despair with the knowledge that she could easily fall in love with this man if she wasn’t careful.

And Y/n was one clumsy fucker.

* * *

Y/n would like to say that she held out for months before she fell in love with Bucky.

It would be a lie, but ya gotta lie to yourself sometimes.

Three weeks had passed since Charlie’s announcement and Y/n hadn’t thought about it in a long time.

No, instead she was spending most of her free time acting like a high school girl who had a crush. When she was in bed at night texting him she would be grinning like an idiot. Or anytime he called her, her heart would skip several beats.

It even got to the point where one time at the support group he said something to her that was mildly flirtatious and her palms started full-on sweating. It was getting ridiculous.

Crushes weren’t supposed to feel like that as an adult. The butterflies in her stomach were supposed to be subdued, her heart wasn’t supposed to completely stop every time he so much as smiled at her. And yet, that’s exactly what she was going through.

* * *

There was one Thursday when Bucky wasn’t at group. He had sent her a text telling her as much, but she’d hoped that he was lying and was going to show up anyway. Because yes, they were friends and hung out outside of Thursday nights, but with the group, they got to see each other every week.

But then she didn’t hear from him for a few days, then a whole week. Which wasn’t the biggest deal in the world, people get busy Y/n understood that. She didn’t start to worry until another Thursday came and went without a word from Bucky.

Y/n was pacing her living room after group and was three seconds from calling Bucky and then the police if he didn’t respond. Then there was a knock at her door.

She opened it to find a beaten and bloodied Bucky standing at her door, and her heart dropped to her stomach.

“I forgot to text,” he whispered, but she was no longer worried about the lack of contact for the past week.

“Please tell me that isn’t your blood,” she whispered.

He gave her finger guns and the weakest smile. “I can’t.”

“Jesus, Barnes,” she pulled him in and closed the door behind him.

Y/n led him to the bathroom and sat him down on the toilet.

“Are you mad at me?” he asked as he watched her sort through everything in the bathroom looking for the supplies she needed.

She glanced at him sideways before wetting a washcloth with warm water. As gently as she could, she began to wipe the blood away from his face. Y/n focused solely on his blood-stained cheeks, but she could feel Bucky’s gaze glued to her.

“Ya know that I’ll take a shower and be fine, I’m a super soldier I don’t need you to patch me up,” he said softly sending a shiver down her spine.

“Do you want me to stop?” She started to pull her hand away but Bucky caught her wrist in his hand.

“No.”

Y/n continued silently cleaning off his face, he hissed when she found a cut on his left cheekbone. She mumbled an apology but then found yet another half-healed gash on his face.

“Is this punishment for not telling you I had to go on a mission?” He teased.

“Is that where you were?” She raised an eyebrow at him and he smiled sheepishly. “Well, now the lack of communication during the week makes sense. But what I still don’t understand is why you decided to forego a shower before showing up at my doorstep battered and bruised? Especially if you knew that you would heal up in a few hours. You nearly gave me a heart attack.”

“I’m sorry, I’ll tell you what’s going on next time. And shower before I come over.”

“As long as you come over,” Y/n shrugged.

* * *

Sam was sitting on the couch when Bucky returned to their shared apartment. The grin on Sam’s face didn’t go unnoticed but Bucky was trying to ignore him.

“You didn’t even bother to shower before you went over to her place,” Sam unnecessarily pointed out. “How bad do you have it?”

“I do not have it bad-”

Sam interrupted him with a laugh. “Barnes, she got you acting like a damned fool. And don’t think I haven’t seen the way that you stare longingly at her during support group. And the stupid smile you have on your face anytime she texts you. Not to mention -”

“Ok, ok, I get it. You know I like her.”

Sam stared at him in disbelief. “That’s what you’re calling it? ‘Liking her’? Boy, I got some news for you.”

Bucky sighed and sunk into the couch next to Sam. “I can’t be in love with her Sam. We only met a few months ago. Not to mention she just got a divorce.”

“Well, you were apart of two different fights for the universe with no break in between. Your concept of time and the time you have left on earth has been altered. The timeline that you normally would’ve given yourself doesn’t really apply anymore. And if I’m right, which I am, you’re probably not gonna tell her that you’re in love with her for about 80 years after being on ice for 70 of those years, fighting a war or two and then leaving your best friends with little to no warning. Then somehow making your way back to your friends only to, I don’t know, take off your arm and saying ‘you’re in charge now’,” Sam said only mildly bitterly.

Bucky snorted.

“If it’s any consolation,” Sam said after a moment, “I think that she could be falling in love with you too.”

* * *

Y/n was sitting on Bucky’s couch. It was only the second time she’d been to his apartment. And she was trying to relax but she was trying not to think about the fact that she was falling in love with Bucky.

It was the fact that she was already so enamored by him and she’d just gotten a divorce. She felt guilty. For what? Having feelings? Moving on with her life?

“Steve isn’t dead,” Bucky blurted.

Y/n looked at him, eyes wide. “What?”

“Rogers,” Bucky continued. “He didn’t die in the same fight as Tony. He went back in time to be with Peggy, which is his own choice. But it’s like every time I got him back I lost him again, and this time he chose it. I don’t know, I just feel like I’m wanted.”

“I want you,” she said. His eyes were wide when he looked at her. “No, that’s not really what I meant but like -”

“I get what you mean,” he said then whispered, “I think.”

“Do you want pizza?” Y/n asked getting off the sofa.

“We’re not gonna talk about how you want me? Specifically for my body,” Bucky got up and followed her.

“I’ve decided to kill you and then you would be a joke in your community. A supersoldier, taken out by little old me, a human. You have a metal arm, Barnes, why was I able to take you down?”

“Well, I hope that you do well in your life after you murder me in cold blood.”

“It wouldn’t be in cold blood, besides I don’t even know how to throw a proper punch,” she shrugged.

Bucky chuckled. “Don’t worry, I’ll teach you how to fight.”

Y/n looked down at the floor with the hint of a smile on her face. “Ok, thanks.”

“But do you actually want pizza?” He asked as he grabbed his phone. Y/n looked up from the ground at him. “Because I could order some and then have Sam pick it up on his way home.”

“Pizza sounds good.”

“Great.” Bucky unlocked his phone and started typing away.

“You’d really teach me how to fight? I’m not coordinated at all, but I’m great at giving people bruises, so prepared for that,” she gave him finger guns.

Bucky chuckled. “Ok, Sam is gonna pick up the pizza and -”

“I think I’m falling in love with you,” Y/n blurted.

She and Bucky stared at each other silently for a moment. Y/n let out a noise that was halfway between a squeal and a laugh before running towards the door. Bucky grabbed her arm before she got far.

“It’s not fair to tell me something like that and then run away,” he said softly.

“But what if you judge me?”

“I have no place to judge you.”

“I shouldn’t have blurted it at all because now you might feel pressured to say something you don’t mean. Listen if you don’t feel the same way and want to just say friends just tell me right now, I can handle it.”

Bucky tilted his head to the side. “What makes you think I don’t feel the same?”

A beat.

The tension between them got so intense Y/n almost couldn’t stand it. For a brief moment, she thanked her lucky stars that Sam wasn’t in the apartment because he definitely would’ve made a joke that ruined the moment.

“Do you wanna kiss me as much as I wanna kiss you?” Bucky asked.

“No,” she said and his face twisted in confusion, “Clearly I want to do it more.”

She cupped his cheeks with her hands pulling him into her. Once their lips met every worry she had about falling in love again went out the window. All the guilt and anxiety that had been building up over the last few months was gone.

The door to the apartment opened and in walked Sam. Bucky and Y/n were still in each other's arms and they stared at Sam who stared back blankly.

“Shit, the pizza,” was all he said before he walked right back out the door.

“Just so there’s no confusion, I’m pretty sure I’m falling in love with you too,” Bucky said.

“Good because that would’ve been awkward,” Y/n chuckled.

#kas4kwc #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x f!reader #bucky x reader

511 notes · View notes