#my mental health is plummeting yet again

[chibelial]

Not me reminiscing on lost relationships again this is so old, damn near all my friends are gone. Few who aren’t are feeling more and more distant. My ex says she still feels just as strongly for me but with how things ended idk. History is just repeating itself yet again. Every time I reach a breaking point and people see how much of a mess I am, it’s awful. They just bail. I’ve basically just surrounded myself with fake people unintentionally, either that or I’m really just that overwhelming. It’s all happening again, for like the fourth time. She left me, and most of my friends did to. Got fucking Bakeracted and since then, fucking nobody is talking to me. Why am I so easy to throw away

[chocolaytte]

밤 (night) - i

[yawn-junn]

requesting prompt 5.)Kiss? you want a Kiss? with riku please <3

✮Bored Teasing - Riku✮

✮Special Thank too: Anon, Riku, NCT WISH

✮Note: slightly oc Riku, sorry if it's terrible my mental health has been plummetting lately, I just really need comfort

✮CW: kisses : teasing : slightly oc Riku : food : drinks :

✮Taglist: no one yet but if you wanna join just lemme know

✮Prompt: 5.) Kiss? You want a kiss?

3-13-24

You and Riku sat comfortably on your couch, him having come over for peace away from the loud dorm he was living in. Snacks scattered about the coffee table, as well as trash from snacks and drinks y'all had previously eaten. Your legs thrown over Riku's lap as you sat sideways, Riku's hands busy themselves with yours, slightly twisting your finger every now and then leaving a small peck on your knuckles.

"Riku" you spoke softly taking your foot, pressing it on his thigh. A small hum left his mouth as he stared lazily at the TV, the movie being played lost both your interests long ago. Instead of responding with words you made a small kiss sound, Riku looked over confused "hm?" In response you once again made the small kiss sound, after a few seconds Riku seemed to have understood.

Giggling softly he shook his head no, your neutral bored face contorted into a confused pout, "why?" Your eyes asked, once again Riku shook his head no "nuh-uh, it's your turn to give the kiss" Riku said making up a lame excuse, "what? Riku, we don't go by turns and you know that" you spoke, snatching your hand from his as you crossed your arm, swinging your legs off his lap you face infront of you.

Riku's quiet giggles turned into slightly disturbing cackles, "no? I think we should" he spoke, tease lacing his words. You scoffed "Riku! Come on, I don't do this to you when you want a kiss" your said, your pout forming into a frown, Riku laughed leaning closer to your ear as he spoke lowly "kiss? You want a kiss?" He teased, sneaking his hands between your folded arms as he pulled them apart setting them to your side, he carefully situated you so your facing him. "Don't be a baby about it" he teased more.

Before you could protest he gently put his lips on yours, your previous train of thought ending, falling into the abyss of Riku, after what felt like an eternity Riku pulled away, "happy?" He asked smoothing your hair down, in response you nodded laying yourself back in his lap with a small smile on your face.

[doodlegirl1998]

I think I finally realize why the writing in BNKA always puts me off in some way, something I've been saying for a while but never got a chance to go into detail.

The writing in BNKA feels like narrative manipulation.

I've come to this conclusion after seeing how the fandom reacts to certain moments and compare them to earlier scenes. And that was when it all clicked for me to come up with this word.

With how the unholy three started out (Bakugou, Aizawa, and Endeavor) then seeing their personalities and how others view them take a complete 180 to view them in a better light, that's what I'm referring to as narrative manpulation.

With Bakugou starting out as a bully and supposedly "changing" so others can say "Wow what a great guy he is!" And praise him to the moon and back... it's literally middle school all over again for him.

With Aizawa coming across as unfair and uncaring only for the narrative to prove he's right every time and have others treat him like he's japanese Einstein.

And with Endeavor starting off as a horrible person and the main conflict for Shoto to overcome... only for his family to welcome him back with open arms and say "We're all to blame for what happened!" just to lift some of it off of him and make him seem like he meant well.

The one common thing about these three is Hori having them express negative emotions and crying and the fandom eats it all up. Claiming that they've gone through development and that they really do care and are more than what we were led to believe. And then have them act the exact same way like nothing happened.

And that my friend... is narrative manipulation.

Hi @theloganator101 👋,

100%.

All of the writing in MHA is narrative manipulation but especially with those three.

Bakugou, Aizawa and Endeavour have narrative manipulation, their own in-universe simps, characters not reacting to them as they should and retcons to soften them and make them more palatable to the audience.

Bakugou and Endeavour are easy and extreme examples so I'll begin with Aizawa first.

With Aizawa, this has worked so well that you rarely see people critical of him and only those who have fully and critically looked at him in canon without #Dadzawa colouring their perception.

His students should dislike / hate or at the very least be wary of him. A teacher who sleeps all the time, pulls "logical ruses" lies and expels on a whim would realistically cause the mental health of his students to plummet. Yet all of 1A (including Izu who he seems to very much dislike) love him for some reason...

He's praised as logical, "harsh but effective" yet his fellow teachers should HATE him. Through the amount of students he's expelled I've heard some people theorising that he has expelled OTHER teachers students. Imagine how angry you would be as a teacher to find one of your students careers destroyed because a fellow teacher expelled them for a bullshit reason. Not only that but logically Aizawa's expulsions would have destroyed lives, destroyed careers before they fully lifted off the ground even made villians.

*There's also the fact that he's not shown to be a great friend in canon either, yet Aizawa is surrounded by Shirakumo, Yamada or Kayama who aren't offput from his behaviour. And even has a respect from All Might (despite the fact that Aizawa has been shown to dislike him.)

* - I'm not blaming Aizawa for being depressed or low key here. That's understandable. However friendship is about give and take. We don't see Aizawa being supportive back to his friends, we see them support him only. And when there's an opportunity to show Aizawa being supportive like to Mic after Midnight's death, Hori doesn't take it. Hori instead makes Aizawa shut Mic up. Additionally, when you like someone and are friends with them - you make the effort to show you like their company, you like being around them, you engage with them. Aizawa acts annoyed by his friends most of the time he's with them on screen, like he's grudgingly tolerating them at best.

Then there's Bakugou who is praised as the second coming of Christ, who lost nothing for suicide baiting a quirkless kid (our MC) and abusing him for ten years! Instead Izuku still calls him "Kacchan" 🤮, Bkg has made friends who are staunchly "anti bully" in Mina and Kirishima (who look stupid or hypocrites for being friends with this POS), Aizawa even praises and favours him for some reason despite Bkg's power being astonishingly one note and Bkg having so much of an awful attitude for heroics the villians thought he was a good recruit. 😬 Bakugou is the worst written character I have seen in a long time - a true Gary Stu.

And finally we have Endeavour, the child abusing POS himself who gets a tragic backstory that none of us wanted to see (his father dying as a kid), we have blame shifting on to Rei and Touya with their respective insanity (also now blame shifted on to Rei's incestous fam by some fans) and some even saying "Endeav had Touya's best interests at heart all along" which truly makes me scoff. If Endeav had Touya's best interests he would have taught Touya to cool himself off, he would have found another interest for them to bond over and sent him to therapy. Not ignoring his spiralling son until he died then got saved by All For One.

In addition, Rei's entire character being used as an "Endeav is not that bad" mouth piece makes me sick, Endeavour broke this woman, physically, emotionally and sexually (depending on your reading but she didn't look consenting to Natsuo and Shoto's births) abused her. So this choice with her character doesn't even make sense, she couldn't even see Shoto, she burnt her child because he looked like Endeav! Why doesn't she loathe this man like she should?! It is sick. It's even sicker of Hori to make her say "We are all responsible for what happened." Like that isn't the most delusional and victim blaming shit to say to your children who couldn't have done squat against their hero father.

Then there's Shoto and his story being overshadowed again by his abusive father, his friendship with Izuku being made about forgiving said abusive father. Shoto deserved so much better than this.

TLDR - the victims of the story should have been allowed to show the impact of their abuse / teaching malpractice that they have dealt with.

Aizawa should have resigned his teaching job (that he didn't even want in the first place) and got therapy as well trying his best to make it up to all those whose lives he ruined.

Bakugou should have been expelled for being an abusive asshole and being too dumb to hide it.

Endeavour should have had the Todofam HATE his guts and no one in his corner coddling him when he cries about Dabi then later Dabi should have finished him off instead of sprouting ice randomly.

[runaway-osha]

The New Year's writing boost for the return of Runaway Pendragon. The plan anyway. I will be posting it by the first week of New Year's if all goes as planned and I stay stable enough for that long.

But the plan/set out for it is as follows:

September 8th was her last canonical interaction, with Kishar. The Curse that caused her to be viewed as she sees herself. Which means this is 4 months before New Year's 2023. Due to this she ran away again aside from the going to fight Alaric arc, the Ides Of March (which I never finished.) But her name is Runaway, that is what she's known for. So let's say it caused a really bad mental health break so she decided to get away.

Ran off, unseen this time, or maybe she was seen and just had not been stopped, and she came into contact with Mich very quickly. They then decided that they actually would care about her, like when they took care of her after she was nearly killed by Jack, and tagged along on her 'journy'. The two then ran into Felix, Runaway's lost older brother who Mich told her about, and with reunions, the siblings and half sibling (Mich) were off.

Eventually all three of them found a cure for Runaway's curse, and where it was from, but I don't know much about that yet. Aside from the cure being found, before that, a lot of comfort was needed for Runaway as her self esteem took a huge plummet. Before this, regret of running away again had deeply set in for Runaway, but now it was finally for a reason, the curse being gone, and it made her feel a bit better at least.

Runaway and her older brother/sibling then hunt down a lot of their half-siblings, trying to now have more of a purpose on this journey, getting rid of Alaric. During this they end up meeting a few extended family members that also despise Alaric, and help them by giving advice on more of his kids and their powers. The three even meet a few people who owe Felix or Mich a few favors, that help them throughout this mini-adventure.

Eventually the three, after all these experiences together, everything they have done, they kill Alaric. He is a gone, a few of the siblings learn that he was bad and although they have a hard time accepting it, they still do. Runaway and Felix get a few answers on what happened to their mother and tell each other a bit about what went down after Felix's death was 'faked', more than what was said before anyways.

After this, Felix parts ways. He really can't stay in one place for too long, but he promises he'll stay in touch with Runaway, and he does. Mich doesn't come directly back to OSHA grounds, knowing they probably won't be accepted. They still look out for Runaway however. And Runaway goes home at the beginning of 2023.

She gets back to the castle and really hopes that her family won't freak out too bad. After she has been gone for 4 months, she just knows a lot has happened throughout the time. She just mostly hopes that they don't hate her for leaving, although that is very low on possibility. She jokingly thinks of using the 'my 19th birthday is in a month, please don't freak out' card to avoid anything happening before making her presence known.

-

So uh. Take this if I don't manage to write it all! It'll be a lot of I do, so this is a basic rundown.

[richincolor]

Jessica's 2023 Favorites

It's always so hard to pick my favorite books of the year -- there were so many! I read poignant graphic novels that made me sob, lighthearted adventures that made me think, and heartfelt romances that I couldn't stop telling people about. I've narrowed my favorite reads this year down to three -- and I imagine they might be on your list too! We'd love to hear what you loved reading this year and what you look forward to reading next year. Anyway, without further ado...

In Limbo by Deb JJ Lee A debut YA graphic memoir about a Korean-American girl's coming-of-age story—and a coming home story—set between a New Jersey suburb and Seoul, South Korea.

Deborah (Jung-Jin) Lee knows she's different. Ever since her family emigrated from South Korea to the United States, she's felt her Otherness. For a while, her English isn't perfect. None of her teachers can pronounce her Korean name. Her face and her eyes—especially her eyes—stand out. As the pressures of high school ramp up, friendships change and end, and everything gets harder. Even home isn't a safe place, as fights with her mom escalate. Deb is caught in a limbo, with nowhere to go, and her mental health plummets.

But Deb is resilient. She discovers art and self-care, and gradually begins to start recovering. And during a return trip to South Korea, she realizes something that changes her perspective on her family, her heritage, and herself.

This stunning debut graphic memoir features page after page of gorgeous, evocative art, perfect for Tillie Walden fans. It's a cross section of the Korean-American diaspora and mental health, a moving and powerful read in the vein of Hey, Kiddo and The Best We Could Do.

The Wicked Bargain by Gabe Cole Novoa El Diablo is in the details in this Latinx pirate fantasy starring a transmasculine nonbinary teen with a mission of revenge, redemption, and revolution.

On Mar León-de la Rosa's 16th birthday, el Diablo comes calling. Mar is a transmasculine nonbinary teen pirate hiding a magical ability to manipulate fire and ice. But their magic isn't enough to reverse a wicked bargain made by their father and now el Diablo has come to collect his payment: the soul of Mar's father and the entire crew of their ship.

When Mar is miraculously rescued by the sole remaining pirate crew in the Caribbean, el Diablo returns to give them a choice: give up your soul to save your father by the Harvest Moon or never see him again. The task is impossible--Mar refuses to make a bargain and there's no way their magic is any match for el Diablo. Then, Mar finds the most unlikely allies: Bas, an infuriatingly arrogant and handsome pirate -- and the captain's son; and Dami, a genderfluid demonio whose motives are never quite clear. For the first time in their life, Mar may have the courage to use their magic. It could be their only redemption -- or it could mean certain death.

Highly Suspicious and Unfairly Cute by Talia Hibbert Bradley Graeme is pretty much perfect. He's a star football player, manages his OCD well (enough), and comes out on top in all his classes . . . except the ones he shares with his ex-best friend, Celine.

Celine Bangura is conspiracy-theory-obsessed. Social media followers eat up her takes on everything from UFOs to holiday overconsumption--yet, she's still not cool enough for the popular kids' table. Which is why Brad abandoned her for the in-crowd years ago. (At least, that's how Celine sees it.)

These days, there's nothing between them other than petty insults and academic rivalry. So when Celine signs up for a survival course in the woods, she's surprised to find Brad right beside her.

Forced to work as a team for the chance to win a grand prize, these two teens must trudge through not just mud and dirt but their messy past. And as this adventure brings them closer together, they begin to remember the good bits of their history. But has too much time passed . . . or just enough to spark a whole new kind of relationship?

[sweatstainsinwinter]

Ive finally had enough

I don’t usually post about shifting, but it’s a major part of my life and one of the main reasons why I haven't completely given up. Honestly it's my main (and only) plan for the future.

I’ve known about shifting since June-ish 2020. I haven’t shifted yet, nor really gotten close. Even though I’ve know about shifting for 4 years I wouldn’t say I’ve been a shifter for that long, since I've taken massive breaks, procrastinated for months and given up/ stopped believing a few times.

But I've finally had enough and am ready to take it seriously. This past year has been the worst of my entire life, I've made so many mistakes, my mental health has plummeted and I feel so hollow.

I've decided to shift via the gateway tapes and document my process (I feel like I'll be more motivated and committed this way)

Gateway tapes experience (Day 1-3):

Discovery 1- orientation

Day 1 didn't go very well. My attention span has never been the best but it was especially bad when I tried to work through the tapes. My mind kept wondering and at one point I just fell asleep.

Day 2 was similar- The first time, my mind just went completely blank. Like I wasn't daydreaming but I wasn't processing the words either- my mind was just empty.

I tried it again that night and it was going well! The only bad thing was that it required some visualisation (I'm not the best at that). I also got bored and stopped 20 minutes in- I KNOW IT WAS BAD I SHOULDN'T OF DONE THAT, IT WONT HAPPEN AGAIN.

Day 3 was my best. I finally finished the tape :) And I'm not sure if I was in focus 3? My body felt super relaxed and heavy and when I talked to my mum later she said I kept whispering. Also that night I has a SUPER vivid dream. I can't remember it really I just know it was really realistic and had a plot that actually made sense.

So yeah, those are my experiences so far with the gateway tapes :)

[blindedbythedarkness]

The Undeniable Dystopia is Here.

Life is bad. Like shockingly, horrifyingly bad. Growing up really felt like living through a series of unfortunate events- I was certainly repeatedly traumatized. But I never had to fight for my life every single day. That's where we are right now, and yet 95% of people can't or won't acknowledge reality. Hell really is empty and all the devils are here.

We live in a cesspit of plague. That's the state of the entirity of the Western world. I didn't want it at the start because I knew I was more "vulnerable" to its effects. Now I'd avoid it with just as much effort even if I was the healthiest person on Earth. The vaccines didn't stop the death, they just made it slower so people wouldn't notice.

All around me the effects are obvious. Everyone is ill. "The worst colds ever" and "the first year they've ever had hayfever". Quality of life is plummeting. Life expectancy is plummeting. Workers shortages. The internet full of people begging society to change course but incapable of leaving their beds to plead in person. Babies born tiny and starved, the effects on their brains untold. Kids collecting autoimmune diseases like pokemon cards. More Strep. More RSV. Kid after kid with their limbs stripped to the bone to stop the bacteria killing the rest of them. Brain damage termed just "brain fog." Friends of friends dropping dead. Strokes galore.

But you only see it if you're willing to open your eyes.

I can't study safely. I can't sit my exams without risking another hit of the virus that has already left me more disabled. It's not safe to go to the shops. It's not safe to sit in my own garden without a mask. It's not safe to go to the hospital- I know for sure because that's where I caught it last time. Every possible step forward, every possible move, every single day, involves a level of risk I couldn't comprehend 4 years ago.

I don't have PTSD, because we are not 'post'. The trauma is still growing.

At uni, I sit there in full PPE. PPE I spent more money on than I can afford, as someone who lives on less than minimum wage. I look around the room for the seat with the best ventilation, the best chance of air flow. I'm not religious, but I pray. Because I cannot afford to become even more disabled and I cannot afford to disable the person I love most. And then in filter 200 people who no longer care who they hurt with what they spread. Most avoid me- an uncomfortable reminder of the ongoing horror. One decides to sit next to me, coughing, excitedly asking me if I will be joining them for post-exam drinks. Indoors. Unmasked. We live in parallel worlds and yet they cannot even acknowledge that much.

They jet off abroad. Go to clubs. Have a sniffle but visit gran anyway. I pay attention when watching shows set in other dystopias, taking note of how to clean and suture a wound at home if needed. We cannot risk the hospital. I grow vegetables as the online prices rise and we cannot risk a trip to the store. I'm reminding my family what's at stake and begging them to protect themselves because I can't lose anyone else. And I'm praying.

Once again, just like when I was a teen, I find my comfort in misunderstood monsters and outcasts. The lonely characters that the world hates, who break down in tears when shown an ounce of kindness. I get wrapped up in the fantasy of having a safe space where I can finally let my guard down just for a minute. Where I can finally feel seen and see a bearable future. And when I see their visible scars, I feel them too, and I struggle against the urge to make more of my own.

There's no one coming to help me though and no safety in sight. There is just endurance. Even what remains of the mental health service is useless- why would I explain my pain to someone likely happily spreading the very virus that has created this hell? And I can't ask for support from my uni- they've made their views clear that this is my "anxiety" and I'm merely "overly cautious".

But I caught it, so not cautious enough. And it damaged my already disabled body further, so not anxious enough.

The undeniable dystopia is here and there is no end in sight.

[acti-veg]

(a vent - if that's okay to submit here. if you don't have the energy for it I totally understand!)

I've been looking for a place to live for the next few months, until my partner and I can move in together, and I found somewhere that's... pretty much perfect! location wise there isn't a thing I don't love about it, except... it's *right* next to a cow farm. when I saw the cows in the field while walking down the lane to the address, my stomach just... plummetted. I'm sadly very used to seeing cows and sheep in fields in my area, but being next to a whole industrial farmhouse where I know exactly what happens inside... might end up giving me nightmares.

I don't want to be a person that flinches and withdraws when I encounter these things. but I truly, deeply hate living in a world (and a country, darn cursed UK) where animal agriculture is so utterly inescapable, and seems to crowd every single fridge, grocery store and forest-turned-field. I hate not being able to travel any amount of distance before getting slapped with it again - and I know I shouldn't ultimately *want* to escape it. I want to be able to look it in the eye for what it really is, and do what is in my power in this life to challenge it.

I'm not quite in an activism-ready state of mind yet, though. so naturally I feel very powerless, and the idea of living next to something like that and not being able to do anything about it is just... exhausting, and terrifying. I'm going to feel it out and see if I can tolerate this kind of proximity, if at least for a short period of time. but there's a big wave of hopelessness that comes with knowing I'll never truly be able to live 'far away' enough from the nightmares of animal agriculture that I could at least stop thinking about it for a while.

I'm mostly sharing this with the hopes that someone might be able to relate. I could really do with breaking out of the grim isolation of it all. I'm thinking about reading the Vystopia book to work through the feelings a bit. if anyone else has any insight or thoughts, I'd really appreciate them.

thank you for reading!

I think this may end up having a bigger impact on your wellbeing than you might realise, mostly in terms of your mental health but there is also pollution and noise to consider. I would strongly consider looking at other options, even if they offer less, because I just don't think this is something you'll be able to learn to live with.

In terms of living as a vegan in an anti-animal world, that is a difficulty we all share, and there is nothing I can say to make that burden any lighter for you. You will not find a vegan who does not feel this to some extent. Personally, I've found that activism does help channel that frustration and anger into something positive, and I've also found that spending time with animals who aren't farmed - whether it's a rescue centre, sanctuary etc. can be enormously uplifting. It helps remind us who we're fighting for, and helps reframe your veganism in a positive way.

My advice would be to just generally try to experience and learn about animals in a positive way - read books about their intelligence, how they live in nature, make art, write, read positive books about animals. I think as vegans sometimes we can fall into the trap of only really thinking about animals in terms of their oppression, and as important as that is to recognise and learn about, if that is all you are engagaging with then you will burn out very quickly. I'd recommend checking out this talk on that topic - it's about activism but I think it applies to veganism more generally.

I hope you find a way to work through this anon, again it's something we all go through so you're very much not alone. Engage with animals positively, engage with other vegans and become involved in the community - whatever you can do to celebrate your veganism, rather than just experiencing it as a burden, which is a trap that is all too easy to fall into.

[darkwingsnark]

Really sorry yer family is being shit about your disabilities and ableness to do physical and mental tasks. Its so fucking draining to be treated like that. Its so fucking degrading to be told over and over the issues and pain and dizziness and self hate you have is irrelevant because some people keep their heads so far up their asses that they DO WANT to see how much yer struggling. I'm so fucking sorry mate, it sucks so bad. I wish there was a way to help you out or make them look further than two feet ahead of them because just them asking how you are feels so nice and validating. And ik its not really my place, but as someone who had to deal with such a family and had to break the cycle and work xerself out of being non-confrontational with a whole bunch of mental and physical issues; kindly, fuck them in the most loving, hating, mentally draining, hoping, and spiteful way. I hope you hold on, bc you are worth so so so much more than they are treating you. Sorry again if this is out of line; I typed this genuinely.

Nono, no need to apologize. It's flattering you went through all the trouble. Sorry I am just getting to this now, it's been another long 6 hours of kid sitting so I didn't have the time or spoons to address this yet.

As for my family... It's a lot of them just being tired of hearing what I'm going through. I've received a lot of 'it's been this number of years, get over it' despite still living with the daily reminders and still going through current events. Trust me, I am also tired of feeling this way. Especially as my body starts shaking as I'm in the middle of holding a child, and can't have her running around the apartment. But my mother is my caretaker and representative payee, they... are responsible for my health? Like they have to take me to doctor appointments, to get my meds. But they tend to want to put it off or do this thing where they go 'I'll do this but you have to make the phone call' despite knowing I legit can't retain information because my fear puts me onto autopilot and I go into 'theater mode'. ... Rambling. Point being there's a lot that I need help with, which in all fairness my wife has been helping a lot with phone calls. But even then I'm having heart palpitations in the background having to pay attention should a question come up that i need to answer. My wife also helps a lot with the chores especially during the week when I'm in recovery mode. Problem is she's also been feeling trapped in the room with me because of 'bad vibes' throughout the rest of the house. We're just all sort of cramped in on each other currently because of my sister and her kids/boyfriend staying here. I understand they are also under stress, but taking it out on me is no excuse, especially as I'm mindful not to do that to them.

If it makes you feel better I am still trucking along. Just I hope things let up soon. I'm starting to feel similar to past health situations where I was pushed too far by family, and then my blood levels plummeted. Just sucks seeing the signs and mentioning them, and then getting blown off. Because THEY don't have any options but to rely on me.

I'm just so tired.

[ace930615]

For Anyone That Has Commissioned Me Please Read

Hi there everyone. I deeply apologize for my absence and not contacting anyone about updates for commissions in a long time. The last few months have been even harder than what I was dealing with before. I have been taking care of family and my own mental and physical health has plummeted (having delusions/hallucinations which started around the time of my absence). I have been working and going to school full time and not been prioritizing myself and my own well being which has lead me to spiral. I do not know when I will be able to create any new artwork, as i absolutely do not have the passion or motivation for it right now. So, I will be offering full refunds to the people that have commissioned me. I am deeply grateful for those who have commissioned me and bought art from me when i absolutely needed it. I was able to pay for my gas and other necessities (taking care of my pets being able to go to my at the time partner, helping my family a bit) because of you guys. I have contacted a few of my commissioners already about this, but I know there are at least a few more that I haven't been able to find in my messages yet so please if you have commissioned me and haven't received a message from me please send me a message if you see this so I can give you back that full refund. Again, I deeply apologize for my lack of communication and my absence. I do not know when I will be creating art again, but thank you again so much for supporting me.

[hannaweeen]

My Life: Lead Up To My Diagnosis.

I thought I would share this as it may help others to relate, as well as help me process the lead-up to my autism diagnosis. The battle I went through, and the ultimatum.

Young Years/Toddler: (age 4 till 8)

being extremely clingy to mum, and would hide behind her

was shy of everyone

hated being touched, and would hurt people who invaded my space.

hated hugs

read the same books & did the same activities over and over for comfort

quiet

felt alone, and depressed. didn't understand why.

had a few very close friends.

Child ( 9+)

extremely blunt, rude, outspoken had no filter

argued with everyone (for dopamine?)

wasn't liked by classmates for this

suffered from nausea before school, and threw up a lot from anxiety.

had intense hobbies

copied others to 'fit in'

would have panic attacks but didn't know what they were, never told anyone

High School Years

Argued and fell out with almost everyone

Started self-harming, and feeling suicidal.

Had one or two very good friends who understood me.

Didn't fit in.

Referred to CAMHS and school counsellors. Didn't listen to my concerns or feelings about my MH, and told them something was going on more than just anxiety.

Anxiety and panic attacks crept back in at age 14.

Tried hypnotherapy, which cost my mum a lot. She was desperate to help me during this period and keep me in school.

Attendance plummeted, went home 'sick', and avoided school.

Felt like a failure. Bad grades, no matter how hard I tried. Cried and had meltdowns a lot, just didn't know it was a meltdown at the time.

Didn't understand what was 'wrong' with me

Couldn't do exams in the big hall. Had panic attacks and had to go into a small room to do them.

Sixth Form/University. (16-20)

Sixth form/College aged 16:

Yet again had no friends, no matter how hard I tried.

Kept to myself. Had awful attendance, again.

Had to do my work from home by the end of the second year.

Couldn't handle going in.

Started local counselling, but felt like it didn't help.

Started my first job with the public, only lasted a few weeks as I felt stage fright talking to people. Couldn't handle it.

Did work experience at college, which lasted 4 hours. Went home crying from exhaustion, thought I was just anxious and lazy.

Easily manipulated and love-bombed by others. University:

Never went in. Submitted work. Got good grades despite this.

Refused to do group work.

Felt locked in a prison by accommodation, made no friends and fell out with the ones I had.

Thought I had BPD.

Dropped out of university.

19+ Adult Years.

Ended an abusive relationship.

Obsessive intrusive thoughts started. Had a breakdown and spent time in a mental health ward.

Still didn't understand what was "wrong with me".

Anxiety and depression are at an all-time high. Suicidal.

Tried to work again, lasted a month.  started having heart palpitations there, and had the stage fright feeling again.

Got into self-employment.

At around age 21, my sister's boyfriend brought up that he thought I may have autism, due to my lack of joke understanding, sarcasm and bluntness.

As I and my family looked into the symptoms more, we realised I could. My mum referred me to be assessed.

If you would like a post about my assessment, let me know and support me, please! https://www.buymeacoffee.com/hannaween

[lavendertowerarchives]

It just doesn't stop.

I log back in again to this damned account only when JH shuns me. I notice this from the last couple of things I posted, it's all me whining about how she doesn't talk to me. Well, she did it again. Hence, I returned. This time, for more reasons than that, but that's still the most prevalent reason.

For context, I just moved into the "dorms" for my college (they're technically not dorms but they're still student housing, just roll with it) and she happens to live right next to me. She's goin through some medical shit which I happen to have experience with, so I'm thinkin I could help her. She doesn't ask for my help. So be it, she wants me away for the duration of her pain. She doesn't respond to my message of "what's up" for almost 2 days. So be it.

We go to the same dorm meeting, and I tell her where I am. She makes no effort to come see me. Not only that, but I try to catch up to her after the meeting ends and realize she was like 20 feet from me the whole time. She doesn't even look my way, leaving for the elevator before I could get to her. She didn't want to talk, and now I know she doesn't even want to see me. This fucks me up.

So now I'm depressed. I try to talk to other friends, but they aren't JH. JH doesn't want me in any capacity.

Today was the first day of class. I wish her happy birthday this morning. No response. I hear her plans are to down a bottle of vodka tonight from E, who she has a class with. JH won't even talk to me.

I know she has her own issues, her own mental dialogue, her own wants and needs, and I respect that and acknowledge that. But all I see, and all she shows me, is her shunning me. My partner posits that it's due to the fact that JH knows I think she's hot, etc., and they may be correct. Maybe I scared her off a long time ago and she's keeping up the facade of friendship simply because we have a mutual friend in E.

Speculation will only get me so far. I can build justification for literally anything I think of about her actions, ranging from "she can't wait to fuck my partner again" to "she's just as socially anxious as I am." These scenarios are worth nothing, yet I can't stop excusing/explaining/justifying her behavior. In the end, I'm just alone. That's how it feels, even when I'm surrounded by friends and my partner. One person shunning me is all it takes for my mental health to plummet.

[megumishotgf]

bf!katsuki comforts you after a job loss ☄. *. ⋆

summary: you’ve been fired from your job recently and it’s thrown you into a slump. katsuki helps you get back on your feet.

warnings: mentions of mental health struggles

masterlist

you had told katsuki about you past struggles with mental health early on in the relationship. partly because it had felt like you had known him forever after the first few meetings, and also because you didn’t want him to freak out in case you suddenly suffered from another episode and he mistaken your distantness for disinterest in him. you knew it caused you to be particularly sensitive to certain events which would cause you to shut down completely.

for the longest time, it really felt like you were happy again. your relationship with katsuki was wonderful, you had a steady (albeit ruthless) job and income and you had even made some more incredible friends through your boyfriend. you were probably the happiest you had been in a very long time. until recently, when you were fired out of nowhere.

why was it so difficult to accept rejection? you were miserable at that workplace, yet you simply cannot get the heavy burden of guilt off your chest. it was the one thing that was ‘wrong’ with your life but somehow without it, you felt like a failure.

“stop moppin’ already. i can help you with rent until you find a better job, alright? anywhere but that shitty office. those fuckers.” katsuki says that same night, letting you rest your head in his lap. he caresses your scalp as you begin to cry.

katsuki hadn’t even heard half of the experiences you had at that job. you told him that the workload was exhausting and your boss was extremely dismissive and close-minded, and that was more than enough to get cartoonish smoke steaming out of his ears. you insisted you would continue with this job as it paid well and would provide you with valuable experience, so katsuki had never pressured you to quit. he knew how important your career was for you and he saw you as strong and resilient. in your eyes, you felt weak and quite simply, like a flop.

you didn’t want to depend on your boyfriend, especially since that’s what so many people insinuated when your relationship became public knowledge. while you were grateful katsuki was so caring, sometimes it made you feel shameful. you felt horrible for having these feelings. he loved to spoil you but you never felt worthy of the affection. thankfully, katsuki never really complained about your crying - he knows it’s just how you process emotions.

katsuki insisted you take a rest first to prioritise your mental and physical health. just a week or two. you were incredibly lucky to be able to have even a few days without needing to work. but eventually, two weeks turned into four and your confidence plummeted. you had grown tired of rejection emails and failed interviews quickly and your energy was depleted. you resorted to not leaving your bed at all throughout the day.

“y/n? what the damn hell have you being doing? you haven’t called in days!” katsuki says on the other side of the line when you finally pick up his call. “hey! what’s wrong, y/n?”

“hey, katsu,” you cringe at the shakiness and hoarseness in your voice. “i’m sorry. really. i’ve just… i’ve not been well for a few days. i haven’t left my bed for a while.”

“have you been eating?” his voice is softer this time. “nevermind. i’ll assign one of the interns to my patrol, alright? i’m coming over. don’t move.”

before you can protest, the other line goes silent. you scoff at his comment. you can barely move yourself to the bathroom in this dejected state.

you dread having katsuki see you like this. you have awful eye-bags, your hair is tangled and unwashed, you have been wearing the same ground zero shirt for days and there’s still smudged mascara left below your eyes from your last interview. it went terribly, by the way. almost as terrible as you currently feel. sure, he’s seen every side of you by now, but something made you feel extraordinarily exposed today.

the stress of having katsuki see you like this is immense, but somehow the desire to lay motionless in bed still wins you over. you remain cocooned in your covers until you hear katsuki open the door with his spare keys. he takes a minute or so - probably inspecting the mess of a kitchen you left. you haven’t washed the dishes in so long.

“hey, idiot. i’m here.”

you don’t move even when he comes to sit besides you on the bed. he’s still wearing his hero gear, just with the gauntlets and neck brace probably thrown to the side somewhere back at the agency.

“y/n. can you talk to me?”

he finally sees some movement from you. you reluctantly sit up, still refusing to make eye contact with him. your eyes begin to fill with tears and your hands start to tremble.

“can you just hold me please?” you say hurriedly, holding back a cry.

as soon as katsuki pulls you into his arms, you let out an uncontrollable ugly sob. luckily, you’re so physically close, you can hear katsuki’s heartbeat. it’s a gentle and calming rhythm. he holds you gently for countless minutes until your loud sobs become small, occasional sniffles.

“don’t go!” you say as you feel katsuki begin to pull away from your embrace, tightening your arms around his midsection.

“i’m not going anywhere, baby. just let me see you.”

you reluctantly pull away from his embrace. katsuki’s hands cup your cheeks. you’d expect them to feel rough, but they feel soft and warm. he looks at you with that look in his eyes - you know the one. the one with so much love in his eyes. he always looks at you in such a loving way, even right now when your skin is blotchy from salty tears and you’ve probably got snot around your red nose.

“how can you look at me like that when i’m ugly crying like this?!”

“what the hell do you mean? you’re damn beautiful. you always are.”

it makes you smile. katsuki lights up a little once he sees you do so. “there’s nothing to be ashamed of, baby. jobs come and go. there’s a better one on the way already, alright?”

you nod, eyes wandering down to the wooden floor. katsuki takes the blanket bundled up besides you and places it over your shoulders. he can sense your reluctance to talk and he doesn’t want to pressure you into discussing this sensitive subject.

“we don’t have to talk. but i’m here if ya’ need me, alright? i’ll take care of you.”

you swallow back the awful lump in your throat. “i don’t want to need your money, katsu. i feel hopeless. i wouldn’t let you spend a penny on me if i could.”

he’s about to say something in protest but you give him a pleading look as if to say ‘just listen!’

“i know i need to start working again but the thought of going back to a place like that sounds exhausting. they were all so awful, katsuki. they would say so many horrible things about me and i would come home so many nights to just cry for hours. i never told you how bad it really was because i didn’t want you to get angry… see! you’re getting upset already!”

“i’m fine!” katsuki insists, even if his jaw is clenched and his hands are tightly balled into fists. he takes a moment to breathe deeply, calming himself. “i’m listening. i promise.”

“i’m just so lost. all my experience is within that field. and i’ve had enough of it. i feel like my life is over!” you cry out, covering your face with your hands.

“what the hell do you mean your life is over? your life has barely started!” katsuki takes your hands into his own, forcing you to look at him. he takes another deep breath. he knows anger won’t help your situation. “i’m sorry, baby. i know you feel terrible. but don’t ya’ see it? you can do whatever the hell you want now. we can get you into whatever field you dream of, alright? and i don’t give a damn what you say, you mean everything to me and if helping you financially means you have one less thing to worry about, then you can just take all my damn money now.”

“stop it, katsuki!” you say, but you can’t resist laughing at him.

“i’m serious. if it helps you, you can move in with me. you can do whatever you want. you can study or work, get an entry level job somewhere. but i refuse to let you see this as a dead end, okay?”

you nod in agreement, wiping away the last of your tears away. katsu takes your hands into his, bringing them up to his lips.

“and you don’t have to decide right now if you don’t want to, alright?”

“you’re so wonderful, katsuki.” you say, throwing you arms around him gratefully.

“yeah, yeah. whatever.”

“and i’d love to move in with you. if you really want to have me, that is.” you pull away suddenly, looking at him with wide, glossy eyes.

“of course i do! when the hell have i ever lied to you!!” katsuki insists. he’s been wanting to ask you for the longest time now, yet he has always wanted to respect your desire for independence. it’s one of the things he likes most about you. but of course, you’re just like him in a way and feel ashamed of asking for or accepting help.

“thank you, katsu! i promise i won’t turn your pristine apartment into a depression pit!” you throw your arms around his shoulders once again. katsuki has avoided mentioning the state of your bedroom but he would go crazy living in a place like this. he’ll take it upon himself to help you clean later.

“i know, baby. we’ll get ya’ back on your feet. you don’t have to worry about anything.”

oh to have a man like this. i need money

[soyymoii]

May the leap from the top be swift.

you are every word i wrote - everything comes true. the words you held against me - well, they had weight.

Today I’ll come out of retirement from writing about love. I’ll write about how the void almost took me out but not for long this time. I’ll write about how retirement is a way to pay very close attention, to attune to what is in front of you and not the projection of what you hoped for, and how leaving before it burns down saves you from complete destruction.

In the tower card in the tarot, you see the people jumping from the burning building. They don’t wait to die with the crumbling infrastructure, they take to the air and plummet into the unknown, unwilling to be struck by the flames lapping at their feet as the lighting strikes.

At the end of May 2023, I lost my mind after I stayed too long with love that tried but could never understand. I was prepared to go down with the storm. While I am a believer in everything being on time I also watched my mental health get to a point that was completely endangering my sincerity and continued time on Earth. That is what staying too long looks like and I made an unbreakable vow to myself that I would never stay too long again.

This commitment requires incredible levels of self-knowledge. It requires building a ladder with rungs built to hold my deepest shadows, my endless desires, and my fruitful hopes and dreams. A vow of great importance to never break. So when I started running out of ideas, felt my anxiety grow to new heights, and noticed the ebb of secure attachment fade I knew it was time to come back to myself, alone on the shore, in the car, in the city, in the big open world. Alone in the mountains.

By not writing about the love I had and the love I felt I was never confused about what was real and what was me being the dreamer that I am. Holding onto hopes of change, understanding, and most of all empathy. I never conflated passion with fact or lust with love. This is the result of continued dedication to healing codependency. I let a slow burn burn slowly and for this, I learned that I can stay in my own life and honor another’s. And when the burn started to flicker and the team couldn’t come together to bring the ball to the basket I knew it was time to lace up my shoes and find a new court. One I could practice on all my own. I can’t say that getting the “ick” majorly was a big part of healing too… but that’s another story for another time.

I have always been willing to work at love. To great lengths, I will go to fall deeper and let the vines climb the tower before we jump out. The leaves sweep through the windows and the stories of concrete to form an everlasting connection, and yet to be met with this same fervor is no easy feat. Finding the middle path between love addiction and having a cracked open heart has taken steady focused work. To see the difference has brought me to my knees. And from my knees, I rise knowing exactly what I need and deserve to be lit up inside my spirit. To be set free can be done in partnership or alone, but it must not be stifled by a blocked heart.

You can jump out when the lightning strikes, you don’t have to wait for the thing to go into the ground. The unchosen realm of love doesn’t have to last any longer than you want it to. The effort put in must be met, the effort must be matched, and the effort must be celebrated. There will be seasons, and there will be cracks in the foundation, but the laying of the bricks must be done in unison, with solos taken in collaboration.

After all of it, a house is just some wooden stakes, a ring, and a necklace - they are empty treasures when the meaning is conditional, a shared and beloved pet - really has one owner, and hurt … well, hurt people will truly go to lengths to hurt people. And I watched from afar as you hurt - and tried to hurt me, but in reality, I'm not dysfunctional enough for you. I am together and whole. You will forever be trapped in repeated patterns. And you no longer control me. I am finally free, thank God i am finally fucking free.

May the leap from the top be swift.

[fabulouslygaybean]

look. i love my friends and all but im so sick of some of them writing all of my mental health problems off as nothing bc they dont see it as valid, despite having mental illnesses themselves and getting angry if i point that out