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nonbinairyboi · 14 hours ago

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Nothing Left: Chapter 18

Chapter Summary: You try to navigate your relationships after Joel’s words.

Pairing: Joel Miller x nonbinary!Reader/OC (afab, dimples, has multiple nicknames but none are their name)

Word Count: ~2.2k

A/N: I’ve been drawing a lot of Din lately for a project so go check that out if you’re interested because I’m kind of proud of them. I’m thinkkkkkking of having a Joel POV next chapter. Anyway, Happy Pride, y’all!

Series Masterlist (w/ASL) | Playlist | Read on AO3

Chapter Warnings: Reference to death of a partner. Panic attack. Angst. Very mild violence?

Previous Chapter

Chapter 18

“What the hell am I supposed to do with someone like that? Can’t even communicate. It’s like talking to a brick wall. Don’t need any of that - mess.”

The words echoed in your brain as you lay in bed, willing yourself to fall asleep.

All the possibilities of even harsher things that people could be saying behind your back rushed through your head, making you feel dizzy. A weight was laying across your chest, unseen but pushing you down, fighting to keep your lungs from expanding. As your breath came in short bursts, you could feel the out-of-rhythm thunk of your heart, beating its fists on the inside of your breastbone. Heat crawled up your arms, climbing your neck and overtaking your face. In a sudden jerk of frustration, shame, and anger, your hand flew over your mouth as you let out a low, guttural scream, muffled as you sunk your teeth into your hand briefly.

A forgotten memory fought its way to the front of your mind.

Your apartment in the QZ was pitch black as you rocked Drea in your arms, squeezing your eyes shut and praying she would stay asleep. Tears of exhaustion sprang to your eyes. It had been a week since you saw her body. The love of your life only recognizable by the tattoo on her wrist, her face obscured. A week of feeling alone, of going through the motions to ensure Drea was still cared for. You had to bring her to your shift today, a makeshift sling holding her to you as you swept the streets.

She had been fussy all day, and you feared that you were doing something wrong, that you were missing obvious signs of something. You looked down to the little life on your arms. Her cheeks weren’t as pudgy as a babies should be. Babies should have rolls of fat and cheeks that you couldn’t help but squeeze. Drea looked so small.

You had failed. Grace was dead. You were probably killing Drea because you were doing everything wrong.

Your heartbeat skyrocketed as you tried to catch your breath, suddenly aware of every flaw you’d ever had. It felt like someone was sitting on your chest. Unable to catch your breath and scared you would hurt Drea, you stumbled a step backwards until the back of your knees hit the bed, lowering yourself to sit and then slowly laying back, a now sleeping Drea still cradled to your chest. As you stared up at where you knew the ceiling was through the darkness, Drea’s weight sunk into your chest. The very real weight now on your chest soothed you, slowing your heart rate and somehow making it easier to breathe. Your hand absentmindedly stroked the hair on your baby’s head, calming yourself in the knowledge that she was still here, still with you.

The realization that you were clutching your chest wrenched you back to the present. There was no real weight on your chest. Drea was gone too. The invisible weight leaned into you harder, your hands turning to claws as they scratched you involuntarily, a sob forcing its way out of your throat.

You lay there crying a long time, silent in your grief with your mouth open, curled on your side.

“Mess.”

The word shook you awake, a jolt running through your body as your eyes flew open. Sitting up quickly, you looked around for the source of the noise.

A distinct shame and pain, leftover from a dream whose plot you already felt slipping through your fingers, stabbed into your side, ringing in your ears.

You inhaled through your nose quickly, forcing air into your lungs.

You were alone. No one else was here.

That should have been a calming thought, and it was, momentarily. But then it repeated.

You were alone.

Alone.

A bone-deep chill crept in from your poorly-sealed window.

You threw yourself into work again over the next few weeks finding endless tasks to occupy you until your body couldn’t help but fall into a deep sleep at the end of the day. Ellie came around a few times, but you always made sure to make an excuse to have her head home before dinner to minimize interaction with Joel.

The last few days, Joel had been ‘running into you’ a suspicious number of times and you brushed him off the best you could each time. You could feel his confusion, but felt little sympathy for him. Though your chest ached when he brushed up next to you in the dining hall, you quickly got up to go, complaining of a headache.

An unexpected frost swept through Jackson at the end of March, forcing many to spend extra hours trying to save some plants in one of the greenhouses after a panel of glass somehow broke. You didn’t get back until almost midnight, the tips of your fingers swollen and stiff with the cold as you fell into bed.

Hazy images drifted through your dreams, memories of your time alone on the road, of the times you wish you could have been alone.

Consciousness found you slowly, hands of ice gliding up your arms before gripping tight.

Your body was inexplicably moving, and it took your brain a moment to realize that it was because you were shivering violently. Sitting up, you wrapped a blanket around yourself, placing your bare feet on the ground before hissing at the sensation of the cold floor beneath you.

The thermostat stared back, mocking you. It was set to 68, but somehow, the temperature of the room was reading 52.

Frustrated and uncomfortable, you bundled yourself up and set out for Maria’s. Your knuckles ached as you knocked on her door, quickly stuffing your hands back into your pockets. You waited about 20 seconds, rocking on your feet in a futile attempt to keep warm. When the door finally opened, you were surprised to find Joel, whose face seemed to mirror yours in poorly concealed shock.

“Looks like you’re freezing out there.” Joel remarked. “Come in before you let the heat out.”

You slipped into the house, shaken by the unexpected encounter but trying to recenter yourself.

‘Where’s Maria?’ You signed, hoping to avoid any time alone with Joel.

“Kitchen. With Tommy.” He replied.

You nodded and turned towards the kitchen, but a hand on your arm pulled you back lightly.

“Hey.” Joel said softly, turning you towards him. “You okay?”

You searched his eyes, finding what you read as genuine concern, which floored you. Had you heard wrong? Or was he really that good of a liar? Why was he going through all this trouble to act like he cared?

Just as you began to doubt your own recollection, his words echoed again in your head.

Someone like that.

Can’t even communicate.

Mess.

Your resolve hardened.

‘I’m fine’ you signed back before pulling your arm away from him and walked toward the kitchen.

Maria was happy to see you, remarking on how she had missed seeing you around lately. You made excuses for your absence, noting how busy you had been. She didn’t question you further, but you caught the concerned frown that briefly crossed her face. After explaining the heat issue at your place, Maria turned to the brothers who stood a few feet away.

“Alright, which one of you would be more comfortable around a thermostat?” She asked.

Tommy looked sheepish, pointing his thumb towards Joel.

“Joel was always better at that sort of thing.” He said.

“Tommy is just fine at it… s’long as you want it perpetually set to 78.” Joel replied, wearing a smirk.

“That was one time and at least 25 years ago!” Tommy exclaimed.

Maria shook her head at their antics as your heart sunk.

“Weather’s just supposed to get worse the next few days. Might as well come over now if you’re free.”

Feeling trapped, you numbly nodded as he grabbed his coat. Once outside, Joel shoved his hands in his pockets, keeping close to your side as you walked.

“Ellie says you’ve been too busy to come over for dinner lately.” Joel remarked after the silence had built thick around you.

‘Yeah, I’m working a lot.’ You signed, wishing that you could live the next hour in fast-forward.

The frosted ground squeaked and crunched beneath your feet. A brief memory of Grace running with you, arm in arm, giggling as you both screamed against the cold wind nipping at your faces as you rushed to get inside flitted through your mind.

You could feel your heart miss a beat as you forced the memory out of your brain.

Joel luckily seemed to sense that you weren’t in the mood for small talk as you made your way to your house.

When you stepped inside, no warmth came to relieve the sharp sting of the cold. It had somehow gotten worse since you had left. Joel nodded slightly at you before going straight to work. You busied yourself cleaning up your home to stay out of his way, eventually shutting yourself in your room.

A little while later, a soft knock came on your bedroom door. Walking over, you opened it to reveal Joel.

“S’all fixed.” He said, his eyes darting around your room. “Just let me know if you have any other issues.”

You nodded and signed a thank you to him, biting the inside of your cheek as you stood paralyzed, unsure of what to do.

Before you realized what was happening, you felt a hand cradle your face. Startled, your eyes flew to his. The tender and open look in his eyes pulled you in. It was the comfort you had been searching for in the days without him. Your body sagged, relaxing slightly as it gave-in to the pull.

His mouth found yours softly, and without thinking, you reciprocated. It felt so good to be wanted, to be held. As the kiss deepened, you lost your breath, caught in the moment. Your hands flew to his shoulders as his hands went to your lower back, pulling your body towards him.

Still lost, you continued, drinking in the uncomplicated attention that you were so desperate for. Joel’s hands began to drift, one towards your upper back while the other glided lower. With the first brush of his hand on your ass, the world jolted back into focus.

“Someone like you. A mess.” He seemed to hiss into your ear. You stopped reciprocating the kiss immediately, pulling your head away slightly as your hands moved to his chest. He misinterpreted your movements, pulling you closer, opening his mouth more fully as if he could inhale you.

A panic started in your chest and you began to pull back more fully, using your hands to shove him away. He barely moved at your effort, still pulling you towards him before something clicked in his brain. You pushed him again just as he seemed to realize what was happening, releasing you and stumbling back a few steps from your effort.

Your heart thudded in your chest, an echo of white noise roaring in your ears as you struggled to breathe normally.

Joel looked alarmed, his hands up in a placating gesture, unsure of what to do.

“Hey. Talk to me.” He said softly, those big eyes of his looking open and vulnerable again.

But he couldn’t fool you this time. You knew the trick now.

‘I can’t’ you signed, stilted.

“That’s okay.” He rushed out. “I should have asked, I’m sorry. Let’s just sit down.”

‘No. I can’t do this again. I’m sorry.’ You signed, trying to stop the shaking in your fingertips.

“What do you mean?” He asked, looking uncertain.

You motioned between the two of you.

‘I can’t. It was a mistake.’

His face twisted into an expression that you couldn’t quite read and for half a second you were suddenly scared of retaliation. Why would you tell him this now, when you were fully alone with him? When had that ever gone well for you with men?

A charged silence sat between you.

“Why?” Joel asked, his voice cracking slightly.

Your face twisted. Now he was sad? Because he couldn’t get his dick wet?

Anger surged within you.

‘I don’t want to.’ You signed.

You held your breath but stood your ground as his eyes searched yours before a shadow fell over his eyes.

“Do what you want.” He said, his voice tight as he turned to leave, grabbing his coat.

He stopped and turned to you suddenly, a look of anger in his eyes.

“Is it Eugene?” He asked roughly.

Rage overtook your thoughts as you stepped towards him, lifting your hand without thinking and slapping him hard across the face. His body froze, his head tilted to the side at the force of the blow before his jaw shifted slightly. You were suddenly stock still, filled with disbelief of both what he had just said and how you had reacted.

His head slowly turned back to you. A look of something that seemed eerily like regret flashed across his face before it hardened again.

He nodded at you once with a finality that cracked something deep inside you before he turned and left, the door swinging closed behind you.

You let out your breath, your whole body deflating as tears sprung to your eyes.

Why the fuck had you opened yourself up to this?

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