#ok i guess exception is the people who genuinely use their creativity

[the-tzarina-alexandra-paracosm]

Ok I have a small free time window in between exams which can only mean one thing:

MY PERSONAL PARACOSM - MASTERPOST

(An almost complete list of all narrative projects I've ever done in my life + personal commentary as I think back on my own writing. Documenting my personal evolution as a writer. From oldest to newest per each category.)

COMPLETED

NOVELS

Aside from my 3 chapter attempt about a year or two previously, I never wrote a novel until the age of 12 and a half, going on 13. It was one of the biggest milestones I had ever hit, and I wouldn't have gotten the confidence to start if it weren't for my mentor who encouraged me, using The Book Thief (1st the movie and then I read the book too) as a prompt. Alexandra, whatever you do, write, write, write! And so I did.

The Image through the Thick Glass (ITTG) - September 2013 - summer 2014 (aged 12-13)

My very first novel ever. 53k words.

The plot revolves around a certain Kaito Hayashi, whose life is genuinely miserable from start to finish. First he's an orphan, then he's bullied (because he's a weird kid, but also a child savant or something), then he suffers in love as it were, aka feels very rejected, he is in poor health and almost dies of pneumonia at some point (hiking trip gone wrong??). He eventually gets with the woman he loves (whose name is Kata but that's not an actual Japanese name)))))) but she kind of stops loving for some very arbitrary reason again relating to his health (ableism???). At this point they have a young kid so it's very sad too like the kid is like wants to spend time with his dad but his mom is like no, and at the end he dies... but it's not completely tragic I guess because some people do mourn for him namely his son and his brother.

The side characters are interesting too like Kaito's older brother, Chang (again that's not a Japanse name but ok) is very protective of him and generally a likeable character, though a stereotypical aloof type etc. And he even has a "meet an adventurous girl and learn to have fun" arc so he's got that going on for him. Kata has a sister, Miku (you can see my inspiration) who is married to an American guy, who is Christian which is a plot point but also kind of not. Like the Japanse characters are vaguely non-religious. Kata and Miku's grandpa is a recurring character; he lives in the mountains but for his granddaughter's wedding he does come to the city, and quite dramatically while he's at it.

Kata also has a neighbour kid who has a weird relationship with her as in... the kid remembers her fondly but Kata literally treats the kid like some sort of ghost because due to some misunderstanding she thought she had died (instead what happened is she got into a car accident and was hospitalised for a while... poor girl...). This was supposed to show how Kata had a crippling fear of death, which would be why she left her husband when he was at his worst health wise. But that's still very selfish??? But I think the other characters do call her out for it. Anyway she herself was disabled (had a severe accident as a child and her legs never healed the right way and she alternatively uses crutches or a wheelchair) so I don't even get where her attitude was coming from.

Kaito himself was my personal blorbo for my entire preteen section of my life. Although in retrospective he's just... sad. Like literally just miserable all the time except select scenes. In the first draft I remember having written him attempt suicide but my parents were like what! You know nothing about things such as depression and the such. And yeah they were right. So I didn't have him do that anymore. But he was still... depressed? And his only support was the fact that at least his brother cared for him, but even said brother, being a responsible adult TM didn't have much time. And Kaito had a job too I guess. He was supposed to be an architect. And as a hobby he was an artist and was a very creative person in general.

Some things I'm still pleased with to this day: the scene in which his bullies, now adults, randomly meet him again and see him spending time with his son, and they straight up apologise to him. And they even socialise in a friendly way with the kid. They had jobs and stuff etc. I like that it was neither the "bullies remain nasty abusive people forever" trope nor the "bullies are punished by fate by becoming homeless jobless deadbeats etc" trope. They just moved on with their lives, happened to meet the kid they used to bully and apologised. I think I wrote that because especially at that age, being bullied a lot, I secretly desired to have that kind of closure.

Another scene I like to this day is the "vacation" episode in which Kaito's son comes to visit him and they play in the snow and have an overall good time together, bonding time etc, but a shadow of sadness looms over because Kaito thinks to himself that he's getting worse with his health etc, but at least for the moment he is happy etc.

Another scene I find wholesome is Chang's date with Yume (that's the name of his girlfriend). Very nice dynamic between him who is very serious and stoic and her who is, to put it this way, office worker by day, adrenaline junkie by night. Her hobbies are very sporty and she even takes him out for a parachute ride of all things! The other side characters all have good relationships too. Miku and her husband get along great, and have a nice peaceful scene together (he comforts/ encourages her about something?? She is a doctor so it might've been her stressful job?). Only the main couple is kinda toxic. Though back in the day I liked drawing them together a lot.

The relationship between the main couple felt very much like. Him trying his best to win her love and her... straight up not doing the same. Like sure during the hiking trip gone wrong episode, she has one of those "Oh no you're hurt so now I realise I've loved you all along" moment, and there are times when they genuinely get along. And she even apologises to him at some point towards the end of the story (for not having been by side during his hospitalisation and other issues etc). But the lenghts he goes to just to impress her and... not even that... just to make her notice him, are quite staggering.

One very painful such episode is towards the end, when she's distancing from him a lot. She's doing laundry etc and some dress or whatever just flies off the window onto a tree or whatever. And here we have a (contrived) chase scene, in which he is very dramatically running after a flying piece of clothing, tripping (and hurting himself in the process) until he finally retrieves the dress. And she's like smh my head, it's dirty now. And man the book is full of such tear jerking scenes. (Another example is a scene in his childhood when he falls face first into the ground but it's treated realistically and he ends up splitting his lip open... which man why friccin describe how he was bleeding like that dude...) Like see how miserable this dude is? Even when he has what he wants it gets taken away from him, nobody loves him and he's dealing with chronic illness on top of it all!

And genuinely. What, girl... Like I appreciate the fact that it was my first novel, and I'm always glad I wrote it. I'll always cherish it and treasure the memories. But the story is not good, though. Or at least not as whole. The message at least is pretty messed up if you try to extract one. Like what is even the message? Fate is cruel? Life is meaningless? Or idk maybe some people live good lives but there are some particular people that literally nobody will love and that's just the way it is?

Thinking of it in a meta way. I think the message, subconsciously, was the last one. In life there are certain people that people arbitrarily will never love, or even outright hate. And yes this story was heavily influenced by the media I was consuming at the time, namely anime and more specifically very dramatic tear jerking anime like Clannad (after story was my main inspiration I think, especially for the latter scenes in which Kaito spends time with his son, but is also slowly dying etc). But even deeper in my subconscious than just my immediate memory of what I was consuming, there was the desperate cry of unloved unloved unloved. That's plastered all over this story. In September there'll be 10 years since I wrote this. It'll be interesting to see the retrospective. A mentor figure I had at the time told me this story feels like it was written by a very lonely person. At the time I rejected such "criticism". But girl that was NOT criticism. It was the truth. The whole story reads like a cry for help. No wonder my parents didn't want me writing this dude contemplate suicide.

Overall self assessment: nostalgia value because it's my very first long form original work, my first novel, my writing debut as it were. There are individual parts of the story that are really beautiful, but as a whole, it's a hopelessly bleak story without much of a purpose than venting, subtly crying unloved unloved unloved from between the lines.

The 5 Books of the Immortals - June 2015 - February 2016 (aged 14-15)

My second ever novel. 73k words. My beloved!!!! The characters from this work were my absolute blorbos, and sometimes still are. This is genuinely a monumental improvement over the 1st novel.

Debriefing. This is not a fantasy, despite the title. It was meant to be an illusion. Start as a fantasy and slowly fade into the real world as the "game"/ innocence of childhood faded away and was replaced by horror. The concept of course is great, and it still lives rent free in my head. One day, I hope to execute it in a way that does it justice. The fact that I didn't manage this is one of the biggest flaws of the novel ofc. But let me talk about the positive things because I genuinely loved writing this so so so much.

The story starts in a college in what we later learn is late 1930s Britain. The main character, Len (should more accurately be Lev but you get the point) is an extremely ambitious chemistry student, the "wizard" among his peers. Except for the dean's son, Zephyr, who is also a genius, but more serious, a foil to Len's rambunctiousness. They become besties tho, and as you can imagine Len gets his friend into trouble a lot. Zephyr has a tense relationship with his dad, which is explored later. Len also meets a girl, Eyline (supposed to be Eileen but bear with teen me and her name giving habits lmao), with whom he is soon quite smitten, and tries a lot of wacky magic tricks to catch her attention (magic tricks = chemical reactions and stuff. On the hallway????????) She's a med student. This info is a tool that we will use later *winks*. She's quite the introvert and a very serious person but she does like him too and find things in common with him. And they become friends which inevitably means wacky shenanigans, and fall in love over the course of the following college years. The scenes between them are just adorable, like one day they stay up late in the library and she just falls asleep with her head on his shoulder etc.

There is one scene at this point which I would totally change now because it went too far in terms of stakes. Len's hubris gets the better of him and he accidentally sets the friccin lab on fire????????????? And it's a very dramatic scene and apparently his sister (coincidentally his lab mate for said project) died?????? And he survived but... he got away with that like. 1 legally and 2. without crippling trauma?????????????? By all accounts this makes no sense and if I were to write this again I would never. I'm not saying he was not affected at all. He's very distraught and gets his own come-to-Jesus moment but... why have such a situation in the 1st place given the drama that is coming for these characters outside college. Anyway. What I was trying to show is that yeah Len is very wacky silly and fun as this over confident character, but his self confidence can get the worst of him and make him do stupid and dangerous things.

At the end of college he marries his beloved Eyline and they have a nice little 1st year of marriage, which to this day I love that montage I did. And now comes the "fantasy fades away" moment. Not by them falling out of love ofc. The fantasy is actually violently ripped away from them as Eyline sees Len, holding his head in his hands, burdened, looking at a letter. He was drafted!!!!!!!!

Because it was actually 1939 all along. Yeyy? And so he prepares for war but Eyline pulls a Mulan and is like no, I'm going to fight alongside you, I cannot be separated from you etc. And he's like nooooo that's very dangerous etc honey you don't have to do this for my sake but she, the original girlboss, is like no, I'm coming because I want to be by your side. If you're going to die at least we die together (or something along those lines). So they went together. And they meet up with Zephyr too ofc. And then another character is introduced, Glinda, who registered as a volunteer out of personal conviction. Later down the line they meet a teen boy who totally lied about being 18 and now they adopt him. I don't make the rules. Adopt as in the found family sense, you get what I'm saying. They're on the battlefield still.

A lot of battles and stuff go down. There is this recurring character Gus who has a vendetta on them for whatever reason and honestly I would remove this character if I wrote this nowadays. This creep follows them around sometimes. Anyway I guess his whole spiel was to be the type of person that views war as licence to kill but... it doesn't really go that well idk. At some point they meet some girl who used to have a crush on Len and she works in the factory to produce weaponry now (which would be the 1st genuinely historically accurate detail so far lmao). But again why is this girl meddling like. This guy is taken. And also this drama has no place during... a war....

Anyway at some point Len catches a stomach disease and is bedridden for a while, which is very much treated as an almost death. Like he has a sort of going-to-Heaven type dream too. Anyway it is during this time that the others get to meet war veterns from ww1, who just so happen to know Zephyr's dad (also a vet). They get some neat little backstory with this occasion. It is also during this time that they meet the teen boy, named Günther (he is half German; he ran away from home for a yet undisclosed reason).

One interesting episode is when Günther meets a girl his age. But as it turns out, she had been coerced into becoming a spy (for the Germans that is), so this was all a ploy. Except she genuinely likes Günther and is friends with him so now he wants to protect him. But she gets caught by both sides as a spy. Günther is helpless to rescue her and she is killed off screen. Again I would write this differently nowadays. It was meant to be a shocking scene like oh no, this is what happens to a double agent. But poor girl was genuinely a victim of circumstance here. Günther is understandably extremely distraught by this.

One of my favourite episodes: Christmas time is coming, which means the soldiers stop by some village and camp etc. They are intent on celebrating. Zephyr meets his cousin, Miles, and they just so happen to stop by his hometown so they stay at his house. Miles is a skilled piano player. The gang has a bit of a breather moment, they play with snow like little kids and have an overall great time. Then ofc the scene gets dramatic real fast but the way I imagined it was always so cinematic. I even imagined using this scene as the trailer for the movie adaptation!!! Miles is playing a familiar Carol on the piano, the camera as it were zooms in on his hands and its almost silence and then BOOM. They actually get bombed, which is supposed to be this shocking scene but also one that (for the purposes of the trailer) sets the tone. Everybody survived except Miles, because that's the part of the house that collapsed. Ok again I would not kill him off if I wrote this today. After finding shelter from the raid etc the characters basically immediately have to go into battle again. It gets dramatic real fast.

Eyline is seriously injured and remains in the hospital for a long time. Len sulks, extremely worried, for a while, but at some point he gets the opportunity to volunteer to fight I'm Stalingrad.... being an ally and all... but remember he himself was Russian (yeah. See the above comment that he should be named Lev for accuracy). So it gets kinda personal. The chapter in which this happens is named... drumroll... the Land where winter never ends. Sound familiar? I thought so. Anyway my dude fights until a heavy snowstorm overcomes him and he gets lost. He remembers a lot of stuff, in a sort of life flashing before his eyes montage? He remembers a lot about his childhood etc. Anyway he survives this ordeal because his (not elderly enough not to fight) uncle was also there, in time to rescue him.

He spends some more time there. Meets a boy about Günther's age named Ivan, to whom he becomes a bit of a mentor figure. Ivan gets killed before his eyes which again is supposed to be for shock value bit dude this is a bit much. Len eventually returns, and, much to his delight, Eyline is alive and also managed to heal in the meantime.

Günther finds his hometown completely wiped off the face of the earth which is understandably very traumatic for him. He assumes both his parents died and deeply regrets having run away from home. He had run because he failed 10th grade + was expelled?? and was too ashamed to face his parents ever again (and he had been a problem student for a while already). I'm not sure I actually wrote this but in an adjacent comic I hinted that his getting failed was more or less due to his teacher being Antisemitic (in the actual text his mother is hinted to be Jewish. But like living in Britain I guess). But the real twist is that his father had gone away from home the night his son was gone in order to search for him.

Guys this is hands down my favourite arc in this story. Like I really like the wife so loyal she'll join the army arc too ofc. Chefs kiss. But father travelling the war torn country, putting his own life in danger to find his son who he has no evidence is even alive anymore? Crying on main my friends... Anyway his dad is crazy dedicated to his pursuit. One day he searches through a forest and falls into a valley, but a lumberjack living there rescues him in time, and takes care of him until his broken bone (arm??) heals. The lumberjack tells the story of how he isolated himself from society once he discovered his wife just up and married somebody else as soon as he was (falsely) declared dead back in the day. And now he's a miserable old man etc. But he is genuinely inspired by this father searching for his lost son, and examines his cynicism a bit.

Zephyr receives a letter from his dad which explains a lot about his own experience during ww1 and basically serves as an attempt to reconcile with his son. There is a nice moment in which Len and Eyline hide from the elements (it's raining hard etc) and have a moment to reflect on the past few years, how they met, how they ended up both going to war etc. It's maybe cheesy with the line delivery but I love the moment itself. They're just genuinely just grateful for each other. There is an interesting callback to a very early scene. Len is all like yeah falling in love is literally just chemical reactions (at the beginning of the story) and now he's like but staying in love that's a choice right here. And he is just genuinely so grateful that she chose to come with him. And she's just glad to be by his side through thick and thin. Guys I'm telling you, one of the couples of all time.

The war eventually ends. Len and Eyline go back home and have a cozy life for a while. They visit his parents (which again is weird in terms of historical accuracy because it wouldn't be very safe to just go to 1940s ussr but ok...). They make several plans for the future etc. Eyline is pregnant etc. Günther is staying with them and tries to find work etc (just what I was saying about them essentially adopting this kid). And everything is normal until suddenly that minor character Gus from earlier comes back with a vengeance and... out of nowhere, stabs Len when he sees him. Eyline and Günther try their best to get some help in time but Len dies and quite dramatically too. Eyline has to deal with the completely unhelpful doctors, and has to assert herself, because they don't take her seriously at all until they learn she was no ordinary doctor but a war medic veteran too. There's an extremely sad flashback/ dream sequence she gets immediately after dealing with his death, with of course the added stress of being ignored like that by the doctors etc. The following scenes are very sad too but I think I at least managed to show the mundane ways in which the characters deal with Len's absence in a meaningful way. The funeral scene is also very sad and Eyline's speech at the end is quite emotional etc. Zephyr crying over the death of his friend, too. But all is not bleak because it is during this event that Günther finally reunites with his dad, and honestly this scene is probably the most emotional of all.

The other characters move on with their lives step by step. Eyline gives birth to a daughter and raises her alone etc. Günther gets a job and takes care of his father as he ages etc. Glinda I think ends up travelling the world or some such. Zephyr reconciles with his father and continues his studies in order to become a professor. There's this moment of parallels between the old generation and the new one (and its more or less the same structure between Zephyr's friend group during the war and his dad's own friend group during the previous war, including the one of the friends dying tragically etc).

Overall assessment: in retrospective, this story was needlessly dark at times. Why kill off characters so quickly and just for shock value??? If I wrote this today I'd change many things, including never even making Gus a character in the 1st place. If Len has to die, it would be in battle. But I'd tend towards him not dying at all tbh. Because I remember quite clearly my mindset as I was writing this "it's not realistic if nobody dies, or if all main characters live". So I was equating tragedy with realism, as well as basically feeling pressured to write a sad ending to make my story more "meaningful". No man it was meaningful enough with its having a group of friends who genuinely love each other a lot, a main couple who are very loyal to each other and a father relentlessly searching for his lost son.

There is so much love and beauty in this story, and it didn't need to stoop to the common denominator of haha sad ending smart. Come on. The meaning is not in the tragedy, it's in the love. What I appreciate is that this story is by a large order of magnitude better than my first in terms of overall feel and message. The plot is more complex and interesting. It's an extremely dramatic story too. It wouldn't be a story written by me if it weren't. But it doesn't feel meaningless anymore. It still does reflect a very key flaw in my minset though, namely the believing that happy endings are too good to be true and in life you just have to get the rug pulled from under your feet just when you're the happiest. Also that happiness is unrealistic and tragedy is realistic. This is a mindset that I'm still trying to unlearn a lot, and it's obvious through the way I used to write and maybe even through the way I write now that I'm an extremely pessimistic person. But overall, this story was a beautiful one. Obviously it had its flaws. Just now I cringed at the sheer teenage way of wording my stuff. I understand that many parts are written immaturely, but hey I was literally 14-15. I love the characters first and foremost. The ideas for the plot could use some work but it's something to start from, its workable etc. I'm extremely happy I wrote this when I did.

My main inspirations were the sheer volume of war movies watched with dad as a child and teen. So any cliche present in those was here too. Also The Book Thief, my beloved!! I loved that book so so much. Generally I was quite happy at that age and I think that translated clearly into the overall tone of the work, as well as the choice of main character (very extroverted, confident, playful).

The Land of Eternal Winter (draft 1 - December 2019 - July 2020 - aged 18-19)

Anatoliy, a prince, namely the king's middle child, takes revenge for his father's death, but he kills an innocent person. This sends him completely spiraling, and he becomes desperate to fix what he did, and also to receive forgiveness from God and the people he's hurt)

Draft 1 available on deviantart and my sideblog in full (written directly in English). Main inspirations: draft 0 (yes, it's a self fanfiction as it were lmao), Hamlet, Crime and Punishment (but at the time I wrote these I basically only knew the sparknotes ver, not having read the actual books until later 2020). My mental space at that time was one of recovering from my depressive episode and finding hope, happiness, peace again etc. And also not having as many horrific intrusive thoughts and constant guilt. Especially my very recent experience with crippling guilt helped me write a guilt torn and forgiveness starved main character. 100% convinced my psyche always heavily influences my writing a lot. That's OK though. This book is very hopeful actually, not hopeless, and sends a good message. I'm currently working on rewriting this from scratch aka draft 2.

NOVELLAS AND SHORT STORIES

With the caveat that short stories is what I've been writing since the day I learned to write, buy actually even earlier because I think oral tradition counts too. As a small child, most of my storytelling was play-based, of course. In about 2009, aged 8, aka about the 2nd semester of 1st grade, I got my first notebook, on which I wrote my very first original pieces. Most of them are very very short but I want to mention a few that were more significant in my development as a future writer.

Short stories from my very first "writer notebook"

Very whimsy page long tales, usually about the "secret life of animals" (anthropomorphic bears, storks, insects and some are just random and others try to mimic a fable structure - mirroring the texts I was reading at school mostly. Many stories are blatant self inserts- a spy story which is just me and my baby brother, or one called "The Storyteller" which is about dad, which I find sweet (irl dad would always tell me and my baby brother all sorts of wacky insane stories that he just made up on the spot and we remembered them and it was a whole cinematic universe as it were). Many stories are very very very closely inspired by stuff I read or watched, like a longer story (3 pages))))) about mini planets which was a lot like Little Prince. Gradually I started doing actual fanfiction, long before I knew what that was.

Vasile Moldovenescu's life story (around 2012 - aged 11)

This was my second attempt at writing a play. It was a comedy. Basically this dude, who talks very much like a Moldovan stereotype (sorry guys I was 11 don't cancel me, love you). But Vasile, despite being seemingly dumb, is a very lovable character. He randomly runs into a pair of spies, Violeta (Romanian) and John (British), who are searching for Anonymous. Vasile is kind of clingy to them and they're annoyed at first but they let him follow along eventually. They also meet a woman only written as "the blonde" in the character list (she later introduces herself as Miruna, and she is rather stereotypical too, but not so much in the dumb sense as much as very tacky.

Vasile gets approached by his "ex" (woman he used to have a crush on) and she tells him he is literally wanted (in the way a criminal would?) in his home country. Vasile talks at lenght about his personal life, some details being inadvertently relevant, but the others assume he's just speaking nonsense. The man seemingly had a million different jobs in the past (he swears he never caused that inundation oh no! And also he is also doing translations from Chinese).

I'll take this moment to mention that John speaks fluent Romanian, but at some point another character enters the scene, tagged first as "The American", (and he later introduces himself as George; he is a fellow spy and works with John and Violeta) and he speaks in English. I was quite good at English even then lmao. George came to announce that Anonymous escaped and they have to catch him etc, with a sense of urgency.

Vasile annoys them one last time and they want to kick him to the curb, and Violeta, in a grand reveal, yells at him that they were secret agents all along. To which Vasile casually replies, oh I was in the FBI once, I have a timed bomb in my cellar btw.

Suddenly Vasile is reunited with his brother Ștefan, who he intentionally avoided all this time etc, they throw a random party (?) and play pocker etc but the brother leaves again. As if that wasn't enough, Violeta mean spiritedly tells him that if she were him she would just go far away such as Egypt, and he, with his bags already made, promptly does so. Violeta hurries to catch up with her teammates to catch Anonymous etc but suddenly receives a letter.

It is literally a letter of complaint on behalf of literally all citizens of Moldova, saying that, because of her, they lost their president, who was none other than Vasile. Curtain falls. Etc.

It is funny, especially by 11 year old standards lmao. But ofc more than that it's a charming story, because it's obviously written by a child. I had much fun rediscovering this one. I was also surprised by how much comedy I was trying to write as a child and how much I just... stopped. That says a lot about me I think.

Oh and see below for my 1st attempt at a play. Yes I did try to make my classmates act it. It didn't work out.

___

The next big step in my development as a writer was a shared imaginary universe between my boy cousins and I, which we used as a backdrop for our stick fights. So basically a sort of DnD. But the cousins only provided very basic details of the plot and their respective characters, while I actually took it very seriously and started writing actual narratives about it. My cousin called our paracosm The Immortals and he even designed an admittedly sick logo, and I kept that name. I was very into FF at the time so I was daydreaming about creating a never ending RPG game franchise. That is why the following are called just The Immortals + their respective number. Only a few have I actually completed, though I had planned like 20 entries for this franchise. At this point I barely took input from my cousins.

The Immortals 3 (summer 2013 - aged 12)

A story I wrote integrally on a sketchbook. A general, named Marshall, is sent out on some sort of rescue mission for a lost princess, which turns out to have been a scam, which annoys him very much. He is, however, stuck with the random girl he mistook for the princess, and they continue their journey together. She, named Barbara, is very much a sort of manic-pixie-dream-girl, and he very cold etc. Also I think there was quite the age gap between the two which... yeah. The two have a sort of enemies to lovers arc but not enemies, more like annoying strangers to lovers. The core conflict is less between the main couple, as between the two students (subordinates), one of them being his ally, and the other having rebelled against him and become the main villain (who lured his old mentor into a trap in the first place, and now intended to kill him). The last scene is a battle, and the heroes get injured etc but survive. The main character is like very regretful about the whole situation, feeling somewhat responsible. But other than that, he and his love interest basically live happily ever after.

The Immortals 4 (August-September 2013 - aged 12)

A stereotypical vampire story that I had very very much fun writing approximately late August - early September 2013. The story centers around a rebellious vampire prince, Vincent. His grandfather is the king, and he is evil. One day the grandfather captures a human girl, Ivy, and has her do menial tasks I guess. Vincent and Ivy have a bit of an enemies to lovers arc but again not at all enemies, they're actually each other's only allies, but in the sense of she doesn't trust him at first due to prejudice against vampires etc. He did like her from the first meeting and was kinda flirty from the start.

Anyways the two gradually become friends as they interact more. And ofc discover that they are allies against the evil grandpa. There are several "funny scenes" such as one day Ivy practices her combat skills aka shooting an arrow and Vincent volunteers to be a target - with an apple om his head. He was ofc overconfident etc. He promptly gets shot and Ivy nurses him back to health as it were, which is a bonding moment. They fall in love etc. They prepare to fight the evil grandpa but Vincent gets caught up in the sun because they didn't make it to the dark inside soon enough. So he literally burns up (not described in a gore way because I was 12 but yeah he doesn't just turn to dust but literally burn). But he dies in her arms so it's this tragic romance moment. And the sequel hook is that she has to fight the evil grandpa alone.

No I have never read twilight and at that age I think I would've actually been banned from it.

Train of thought (2015 - aged 14)

A short story in comic form, written in full on one of my sketchbooks.

This is a world in which the 4 Temperaments, as well as other categories (Pessimist, Optimist) are personified. There is more than one entity per category, and people are grouped into countries based on their category. The story starts with the Realist cynically observing the Pessimist and the Optimist waiting helplessly on the train tracks (both free, not tied up, also standing etc). The Optimist foolishly convinces himself no train will come, and the Pessimist is convinced they will die anyway so what's the point anyway. They get run over offscreen. The Realist, who is an absolutely emotionless being (he is supposed to represent Reason and is completely removed from and opposed to Emotion), so his reaction to seeing those two killed right before him looks like indifference, although he pities them (though with a bit of an attitude of superiority).

He was called to sort things out between the Temperaments, who have some level of international conflict. Specifically Choleric and Sanguine aren't allied anymore and are in some sort of conflict. Realist sides with Choleric and helps him rationalise the whole situation. Choleric comes to his senses and sorts things out with Sanguine and reconciles with her etc.

The problem is that the seemingly extremely rational Realist has been hearing voices all this time, and they grow louder and louder, and suddenly this world doesn't seem real anymore. The scene shifts immediately. It's a hospital room, and a man with the same physical appearance as Realist is in the hospital bed, looking as if having suffered a grave accident. The voice echoing is now clear: it was his wife calling him by his name, Richard, name that he doesn't recognise because he lost his memory due to his head injury.

Once awoken, he learns several shocking news regarding what had happened. The train he was on got derailed, causing a devastating accident. He is suddenly curious to know the other patients in the hospital (which is full of the injured from said accident). He meets at least 4 people with whom he is able to communicate and learn more about what happened. Those are Cole (the Choleric), Sandy (the Sanguine), Melvin (the Melancholic) and Felicia (the Phlegmatic). All four were businesspeople heading to a meeting in which to discuss the relationship between their respective businesses and negotiate trade etc etc.

Richard talks the most to Cole, with whom he is both annoyed, due to his abrasive attitude, but also gets along with eventually, finding a lot in common. Richard also gets a lot of information about everything, but is unable to actually remember it, which frustrates him. Richard falls asleep/ unconscious again and dreams the continuation of the same dream. The Choleric gets shot by somebody trying to overthrow the current government, but doesn't die. Despite the controversy, he once again allies with Sanguine. The Realist doesn't find his place in this world. Richard wakes up. He doesn't find his place in the real world either, with his not remembering anything, except the facts others tell him, which he has to take at face value.

During the following days he befriends the other patients and learns about their lives too. For example, Cole and Sandy were actually together but had a fight about something. Of course now that it was a life vs death situation, they put aside their differences. Richard himself finally gets his memory back when he remembers his wife, Sophia (who also appeared as a constant background character in the dreams too). She is very happy to have him back as it were, but she leaves eventually, in order to let him rest.

This time Richard cannot dream anymore and instead is plagued by (traumatic) memories. He remembers exactly what happened during the day of the accident. His co-workers (and friends, who in the dream appeared as the Optimist and the Pessimist) had actually died right then and there, in a thoughtless attempt to escape. This memory disturbed him a lot. He also remembered having interacted with all 4 of the survivors (that he had talked with at lenght) while on that train ride, as they were seated very close one to another and they even exchanged some words, enabling him to make a first impression of them (and explaining why he even dreamt about them too - for example in real life Richard directly saw how Cole was injured).

The next day they even watch the news and see that the accident is still being discussed. The others, such as Sandy, have other concerns however, such as Cole being rushed to the emergency room again (I'm not good at medicine and was even more so at 14 but bear with me) because his injury either got infected or there was some internal bleeding etc. Although the scene is kind of dramatic, he survives and makes a recovery.

All of them heal from their wounds over time, and, having become friends during this time of hardship, keep in touch etc. Richard ponders upon his tendency to judge people based on first impressions and stereotypes etc etc. Eventually he too goes home, happy to reunite with his wife.

My main inspirations include Inside out which I just saw recently at that time and was very normal about, thank you very much. I was interested in stuff about personality types and read a lot about it (and did every test out there lmao - yes MBTI too - I always get different stuff between INTJ, ENTJ, INFJ, ENFJ so for me it's not accurate but its fun as a concept). The actual starting point for my writing it was this dark joke I heard at the time: in a tunnel, the Optimist sees the light at the end, the Pessmist sees the dark, the Realist sees the train lights, and the train conductor sees 3 idiots on the train tracks. So yeah hearing that joke + my "psychology phase" at the time made me go into a several day writing binge. Ah those are always fun. I get struck by an idea and come back with a fully formed short story.

(Unnamed) - what I now call draft 0 (may 2019 - aged 18)

The first story I wrote after my hiatus/ writer's block/ mental health break. 14 handwritten A4 pages so I'd say... 5k-7k words?? As an estimate.

A young, Elena, princess falls in love with her servant, Kęstas, who secretly turns out to have been a foreign prince all along. The two run away together from her dictatorial brother, the king Anatoliy. Once in the forest, Elena learns the truth about Kęstas, namely that her brother killed his parents, conquered his country and took him prisoner. The two get married in secret, but they cannot hide forever so they return, backed by the people, who revolt. Elena also frees her older sister, Svetlana, the rightful monarch, and they remove Anatoliy from power, sending him into exile. They reunite years later, Anatoliy now a humbled pig farmer. His older kneels to hug him, showing her forgiveness towards him. He sincerely apologises, saying he had been a madman.

The sole inspiration for this was the Hetalia fanfic A Blend of White and Red by SweetVerses (on ffn) that I read in April or may 2019 and it changed my brain chemistry. I was obsessed especially with the winter vibes and tried my best to emulate that. I rewrote the fic as a royal AU as it were, added some other details until it was my own thing and boom. Narratively satisfying ending too. That was certainly very procrastination fueled + inspiration of the moment. But it had been years since I'd last written a full story, and since I had allowed myself to just write without being perfect, so writing this was the single most liberating writing experience of my entire life.

Available on my sideblog but it's handwriting only so I summarised the complete plot here.

The Keeper of the Underwater Graveyard (2023 - aged almost 22)

My most recent piece of writing + most recent feverish writing binge. 20k words.

Žadgailas, a young merman, is treated as if he is a demigod, ruling over the sea and the dead buried in it, but he begins to doubt this and tries to learn the truth. He is very fascinated by the human world above, which he first ever visits on his 15th birthday, meeting a human girl, Lærke, to whom he swears he will never forget her and even search for her again. The two remain loyal to the other, eventually having to suport the other in finding some horrific truths.

Since this was written directly in English and is very available to read, I won't spoil anything else. The main inspirations are Eglė Queen of Serpents and The Little Mermaid, although I changed quite a lot and idk how much it can even be considered a retelling. But I was in a combination of extreme inspiration and extreme procrastination so I just cranked this in like a week. Oh well it happens to the best of us. I think it's a beautiful story in its own right but I think I'm going to inevitably find it flawed soon but oh well.

FANFICTION

I will first say that I've been writing fanfiction since the very beginning. I'm not sure which was first. I scrapped a lot of stuff I did as a tween, because in my early teens I was embarrassed of it, but now I really regret it. During about 2009-2010 I wrote one of my 1st fanfics, namely a Transformers (the Michael Bay one) rewrite + prequel + sequel. Told oh so so dramatically, but also kinda ironically. And a spin-off. I especially insisted upon the sibling rivalry dynamic between Skits and Mudflap... childhood blorbos lmao. I was also doing a lot of comic format fanfics, namely various scenes with Mario characters. One I loved very much but I can never find again, namely their playing football with FF1 characters. And another I even forgot the plot but at the time I was so so excited with it I could literally recite it to my brother.

The coolest adventure of Mario (2011-2012 ish? - aged 10-11)

My very first attempt at writing a play. Mario characters in a mega crossover with other characters, including Lego Ninjago, Transformers, Sonic etc. Peach and Daisy meet in a high-school setting and become friends. They are the popular girls. Kai (ninjago) gets in a fight with Bowser. Mario meets Kirby etc.

Peach throws a party and the villain characters aren't invited etc. The Paper Mario villains show up, as well as the fanon ones. Shadow Queen kidnaps Peach. Mario and Luigi learn of this and go save them etc.

Now the characters being in a more peace time, they go swimming at a water park. Another time they dress up as mafia guys (that one paper Mario thing etc). They compete in the Olympics etc.

But their fun doesn't last because the villains come for revenge so all the heroes team up, but the villains even brought Megatron??? Rosalina appears to help them out at some point. And they use all skills and tools from before, and all characters show up and contribute etc which I find cool. Setup payoff + that's what crossovers are for. Also Optimus casually destroys Megatron with a bazooka. Mario and Peach kiss , curtain falls etc. + party montage lmao.

I took this so so seriously. I did cast my classmates. Really did want to organise this. Some wanted to participate, others backed down. I casted myself as peach and my crush as Mario. The guy was creeped out at the last scene. A lot of kids already thought I was weird so. But hey at the time I did have the guts to straight up write a fanfic play and force my classmates to act in it lmao.

Unnamed FF13 fanfic (late 2012-early 2013 - aged 11-12)

Various retellings of Final Fantasy plots and characters. First one with White Mage and Black Mage from FF1 (as per that game with a Mario crossover). I shipped them a lot frrrr. My blorbos. Basically fluff + Mario crossover. Also a bunch of random drama.

The FF13 again mostly a retelling, but also mostly ship focused. A lot of Lightning + Hope (yeah bro I get it that it's problematic and nowadays I cringe at myself, but I didn't at the time) especially as per FF13-2 etc, a lot of them involving Lightning dying etc. Very dramatic overall. I scrapped a lot of it like legit ripped the pages, cut them up etc.

In my very dramatic phase, which translates into the type of story I liked to write. See my first original novel.

01&02 (2015 - aged 14)

Vocaloid fanfiction in comic form, all on my sketchbook. 50+ pages of comic pages of my longest running comic ever.

The Vocaloids are sentient robots living alongside humans. Rin remembers how she and Len were made by the same inventor a long time ago, and he gave them hearts, metaphorically speaking, as in made them sentient. This was later applied to all Vocaloids.

Fast forward much time later. They live their lives normally, being mostly preoccupied with their performance arts (singing + acting). Many vocaloid songs are reinterpreted as plays they perform, but some get integrated into the main plot. The robots are regularly maintained by the humans, and got them out of trouble etc. These humans were descendants of the original scientists (several generations down the line).

Rin is a gamer/ streamer and makes several online friends, including getting herself a boyfriend (a human tech nerd). But they eventually break up and it ends up badly down the line. In the meantime, Len has a crush on Miku, but she is seemingly more interested in Kaito etc. They even play in several plays together though (like Servant of Evil etc). At some point Miku is also with the same guy Rin used to be with and again it's not good for her etc. However, over time, Len and Miku get along increasingly better, and collaborate on some song/ ad (SPL) and Miku realises she likes him too etc so they get together too.

At this point the story seems like it's mostly romance drama but suddenly they realise something is wrong. The human guy was never so much interested in actual dating as much as gathering data. Now that he had all his resources, he created a virus that affected the vocaloids quite irreparably. It was quite slow acting, however. The human scientists try to find solutions but they don't really manage, despite their best efforts.

Len, Miku, Rin and the others spend a lot of time together like before, but are now more aware of their mortality as it were. Miku one day starts to feel the actual effects of the virus when her voice cracks and it's this shocking emotional moment etc. Len and Miku get married etc and this again is this emotional scene etc. Miku legit just dies. And soon enough every single one of them is infected with the virus with no hope of a cure and they kind of just die one by one. The humans are helpless to find solutions. And the vocaloids are just devastated at their newfound sense of mortality + loss of their friends.

Len dies too, and this affects Rin a lot. She knows she will die quite soon, too, so she sets out on an existential journey. She finally finds the place where her inventor first made her and Len. She looks through his old papers and computers etc, with no hope of finding a cure. She locates her "father's" grave and contemplates her life, the memories she formed with her friends, the miracle of having had this Heart, as well as appreciating life, as she feels closer and closer to death. She falls off her feet, on the ground, next to the graves, but she is smiling and seemingly shedding a small tear.

My main inspirations were: vocaloid songs: Kokoro + the Disappearance of Hatsune Miku, and also a film I saw as a kid about a robot who got more and more human organs until he became human and died. Permanently changed my brain chemistry etc (I loved that movie despite at the time being terrified of robots). I spent like all summer writing and drawing this fanfic, and had great great fun. Literally unrestrained summer fun.

Frozen Parody (april 2016- aged 15)

Frozen retelling as a modern ice skating competition. Comedy/ satire. Only like 10 comic pages so quite short.

Elsa is a child prodigy in ice skating, earning the title of the Ice Queen. However, she has a strained relationship with her sister Anna because of a childhood accident caused by her negligence. While ice skating, Anna broke her back (?) and remained paralysed from the neck down.

Now as adults, they are more independent etc. Elsa runs away to her castle which is actually a private hotel (??) .

Hans is introduced as a "villain" but only in the sense that he's a direct competitor and maybe overly confident that he will win/ a huge sore loser. His main characteristic is not being in power and manipulating others into thinking he's a nice guy, instead being characterised by over competitiveness. He and Anna are in a relationship, but it's very short lived because Anna herself is quite flighty (immature, indecisive) about relationships in general. She almost immediately gets with Kristoff after breaking up with Hans, which makes the latter very jealous.

Desperate to win the contest (as well as maybe out of petty revenge??) Hans cheats by creating a hidden hole in the ice. During the competition, it is Anna who falls in, Elsa having to jump in the cold water to save her (as Anna absolutely cannot swim etc). The day is thus saved. Hans is disqualified from the competition altogether.

Quick flash forward to the future, Anna and Kristoff are married, Elsa happy for them etc. They live at the Ice Hotel (r) (hotel firm owned by Elsa). I just found the notebook at man it's a bit of a mean satire but one joke that stands out is that the trolls (love experts) are refered to as Kristoff's doctor-therapist-fortuneteller parents. I think that should set the tone for how this story is like.

Yeah I was in my "Frozen is cringe and for kids" phase I guess. Ok though but nowadays I like it unironically. No need to mock it lmao. But I'll say only one thing. I gave Hans a more believable motivation in this spoof fanfic than the actual movie lmao.

Do you know what it feels like? (July 2019 - aged 18)

Hetalia human AU, mostly a LietBel ship fic. 14k words.

Two lonely and miserable people meet and think they can fix each other, which temporarily seems to work but it ultimately leads to a very toxic place. Available on my deviantart, ffn and tumblr, so not giving away more of the plot.

I wrote this right in between writing draft 0 and starting outlining draft 1, which was a nice breather (as well as a nice writing binge - I got this out in the span of about 2-3 weeks). I had just read seemingly all fanfic of this ship on ffn (not a lot of it) and was struck by an Idea so I had to write it down as fast as possible. I was in a good place at the time (was writing this in the week before and the one after I got baptised, and I was finally in the summer vacation after a brutal school year namely 11th grade). I think that this reflects in the fact of my writing a story with an optimistic ending, and, while very dramatic because it wouldn't be written by me if it weren't, still full of wholesome moments etc.

UNFINISHED/ ONGOING/ PARTIAL/ ABANDONED

NOVELS

Love is a Choice (summer/autumn 2017- abandoned sometime during mid/late 2018?? - aged 16-17)

My 3rd novel, but it never saw the light of day. It was supposed to be a Christian Victorian romance novel. I only wrote the first 2-3 chapters + a lot of disconnected scenes, outlines (redoing those outlines many times), research sheets etc, concept art etc.

The plot takes place in 1845, in a unnamed town in southern England, not very far from London. The main character is one Ernest, a 30 year old bachelor, the youngest son of a family from the lower nobility/ gentry (so upper middle class to upper class). He is made to marry a certain Jeannine, who comes from a seemingly poorer family but otherwise of significant aristocratic origin (her grandfather was a French marquis but fled France in 1793 due to very obvious reasons). Jeannine was 25 I think and her family was rushing her to get married too etc. Anyway they end up married despite being strangers etc. Ernest is a very neurotic individual, with a clear perfectionistic tendency and general "weird" aura about him. Jeannine is herself very shy and introverted (especially in comparison to her twin sister Georgette), but otherwise a much more relaxed person in comparison to Ernest. He is nerdy and he likes building mechanical stuff like cuckoo clocks etc and Jeannine has more artistic leanings.

Now the main plot was supposed to be their falling in love etc but try as I might I literally couldn't... write anything in the middle, at least not the main plot. There was zero actual chemistry between the two aside from my drawing cute art of them. But I wrote very extensively about the side characters which there were many of. Ernest had several servants, all of which had their own backstory, personality etc, and all of them got along with him very nicely. The main housekeeper/ admin was his old nanny, who just so happened to also be a French immigrant with a sad backstory like Jeannine's grandpa etc. She never had children of her own, but basically adopted Ernest. (The idea here is that Ernest's family was quite bad actually. The mom and dad hated each other. Ernest was never loved by his mother, despite that not being the case with his older siblings, and their father was very absent etc). The cook was married to the gardner, and there was also another couple among them (one of the maids and the stable keeper I think??). The cook's apprentice is an orphan teen that got taken under their wing (Ernest is a teacher figure to her, but he didn't adopt her etc). Generally the household is kind of a found family which is very wholesome. This is meant to contrast the tense situation of Ernest's biological family.

He also has a close friend, Jasper, who is a small business owner (he has an antique shop and I think that's actually how the two met because Ernest was trying to recondition an old clock and looking for parts). He has a wife Gabrielle (you guessed it - also French - I genuinely spent a lot of time researching every detail and yes apparently in the 1st half of the 19th century, it was not uncommon for there to be French immigrants in England, with the French Rebolution + subsequent revolutions + religious persection of the Huguenots) who is a seamstress. (OK now that I mentioned my very specific real world details that I included because I did some research: I imagined Gabrielle was raised Catholic and her parents gave her quite a hard time for having married a Protestant and herself having converted etc. Jeannine and her family I imagined to have been Huguenots - which are basically just Calvinists. Ernest I imagined to be a member of a Reformed Baptist church (at the time it was called Particular Baptist), despite not having been raised that way and ofc, that's just one more thing that his parents would give him trouble for. Given the time + location + already mentioned details, you can safely 100% imagine Ernest would attend Spurgeon's sermons in person).

Ernest had 3 older siblings, two brothers and a sister. The oldest, William, was 40 years old, had a wife Sophia and 5 kids. He was the owner of a factory and very financially successful, but, not unlike his father, was much more caught up in work rather than family etc. He also hung out the wrong kinds of company (doing gambling I think??) and was very much a smoking addict. At some point in the story his health takes a turn for the worse (he faints at some point and he fears that he is developing a heart problem, which scares him back to his senses as it were. He has his come-to-Jesus moment, and then tries to reconcile with his wife and children etc. There's even a montage in which he tries to become healthier so he runs around to lose weight or whatever). The other brother, Frederick, is 38 and is also married, to one Olivia, with whom he has 2 or 3 children I don't remember. He is a believer but his wife is not and that's the beginning of their conflict, but at some point she actually just... cheats on him with some dude. Undergoes a full on Hosea + Gomer arc (and quite explicitly based on that mind you). She realises that the lover she ran away with actually wants to harm her etc so she runs home to her husband, literally in rags etc. And of course he forgives her etc. The sister, Amelia, is 36 and she actually lives far away from the other siblings because she married a northerner. They also have several kids etc, and among all of the siblings, Amelia has the happiest marriage. She was meant to be the good example to the others as it were. During childhood, she was the closest to Ernest, the brothers being rather bullies to him (during adulthood their relationship improved however). The mother was very miserable and bitter despite living a life of comfort and luxury. The father was suffering from some sort of terminal disease (I imagined something like stomach cancer and yes I did google whether they knew cancer was a thing back then - turns out they did but ofc the only solution was to physically remove the tumour by surgery and hope they got it all out basically). The father had also been a very bad parent but now that he was closer to death he was reflecting on his life and feeling regretful etc.

Jeannine's family was much more normal. She had a twin sister, Georgette, who was also unmarried etc (but for some reason nobody rushed to find her a high-class match???) but at some point she falls in love with a gardner/ farmer guy and marries him. The parents were in a good relationship, and were reasonable in the way they raised their daughters. They had no other children aside from them (due to how complicated it was to give birth to twins??). I was undecided in my outlines whether to write the grandpa as still alive or not. Either way he would've been quite elderly at this point. His name was Yves and he ran away because of the Revolution, only fleeing once the king had died (he was very loyal etc). Jeannine's dad was his youngest child (or second to youngest - he had a large family) and he was raised in England his whole life.

Anyway, eventually Ernest and Jeannine fall in love and are finally more of a real couple etc. Part of what drew her to him was the closeness with his servants, and how by being Mistress of the household, she got to be part of this large family too. Most of Ernest's internal conflict was like "this woman I was forced to marry is objectively a good person in every single way but I still can't force myself to fall in love - am I in the wrong here and am I a terrible person for this etc? And he was generally very very very overthinking. Very perfectionistic. Also spending a lot of time feeling guilty over stuff and yeah. More on that later.

The big twist at the end, when Ernest's dad dies (and has a deathbed conversion), is that the reason Ernest was so marginalised as a child is because he was actually his mother's illegitimate son. His "dad" was resentful towards him because his wife cheated on him etc, and his mom hated him because he was a living reminder of her "helpless condition" (cannot just run away with her lover but has to raise child while still living with the husband she despises). However, re: deathbed conversion, Ernest's dad apologises to him and reconciles with him. Some time after the death, Ernest finds that he actually not only is part of the inheritance, but got an equal part to his siblings.

That's where the story ended, and the sequel hook was Ernest finding his biological father etc. On my sketchbooks I drew many scenes etc. But many were of the next generation as it were. The adventures of Ernest and Jeannine's children (4 of them: Alexander, the responsible eldest son, Ada, the rebellious daughter, Justin, also a kind of rebellious son, and Irene, the very sweet daughter. Alexander ended up getting married to Edith, one of Jasper's daughters. She had a crush on him since childhood etc. Irene, maybe by virtue of being the youngest, was closest to her parents. Justin, after finally becoming a responsible adult, got into Law school. Ada, after sorting out her vicious sibling rivalry with Alex, as well as becoming a responsible adult etc, got into journalism. She married a young widower and single father Frank, who ran an independent newspaper. Everybody kind of gets paired off together in some way. Justin is revealed to be the grandfather of Zephyr, from my 2nd novel. Talk about literary universe. Ernest builds a school whose principal he becomes etc. He teaches maths and physics, Jeannine teaches French and History (and over time they get more teachers to hire).

Aside from the unending family trees, the sequel gets very depressing very fast, as all beloved characters just die off one by one. William dies of a heart attack when he is in his mid 50s (despite all the changes he made to better his health??!!!), with a very emotional and gut wrenching scene in which his wife laments how others only find it tragic when a recently married wife gets widowed, but one that was married for 30 years, not so much, despite hurting her much more to know she lost the one she spent 3 decades with. Frederick dies in an accident (gets thrown by his horse). Ernest, now himself middle-aged, with his children grown up (some of them as I said rebellious in their youths, which makes him feel like a bad parent), and both his brothers dead etc, falls into a very deep depression out of which nobody can take him out, not even his beloved wife etc. There is this very dark scene in which he faints due to burnout from how much he had been over working himself, and Jeannine finds him unconscious on the floor etc. But due to how absolutely hopeless and miserable he had acted lately, Jeannine just immediately jumps to the conclusion that he committed suicide, which everybody else believes until Ernest himself wakes up to explain was not the case as he only just fainted after having been awake for several days in a row. He eventually heals after spending some time by the sea and relaxing from his work etc. But I never found a satisfying ending to the sequel. Is that all? Everybody is dead and Ernest doesn't get along with his family anymore? He only barely gets over his depression by hanging out by the sea for a bit?

And this is the moment where I analyse this from a meta perspective. It's almost embarrassing to what degree Ernest's development over the year that I wrote this mirrored my own mental state. At first, I focused on his attention to moral integrity - good! I too was trying to be good. Then I focused on his perfectionism, and guilt. He was feeling guilty for not being able to force himself to fall in love. He was very strict with every detail of his life - in one scene he rearranges his entire library because a book is out of order. Even though he literally commits absolutely no sin whatsoever during the entire narrative, he still acts so guilty like WHYYYY. Why make a character who is morally impeccable but still has the behaviour of one guilty for existing. Oh well he did have a bit of that illegitimate child complex but he didn't even know he was illegitimate until the end so like??? But now in retrospective I'm like oh. Oh. I was very well behaved, unnaturally well behaved for a 17 year old, and still felt the weight of the world with how guilty I felt all the time. I was dealing with horrific intrusive thoughts on the daily, on the hourly basically. I suppose I was aware even then that my Protagonist was basically me in many ways. But I never even allowed him bad thoughts!!! Not even a tiny little "but what if I just stabbed somebody" and have him react in horror or whatever. Which would've explained his guilty attitude etc. But no that's not clean enough for a Christian romance. Yes in hindsight I censored myself a lot in order to fit into that label. Very squeaky clean. No real conflict aside from the side characters who were interesting because they were allowed to have flaws and an actual character arc. But then I started getting art block. Writer's block. My head was literally empty. Except it was very full of all sorts of bad thoughts. But it was empty of my usual ideas etc. I began finding no purpose much less pleasure in my otherwise extremely treasured hobbies. When I did "get inspiration", it was to ruin my main character's happy ever after, make his siblings die tragically, his family life become dramatic and divided, and him be miserable, depressed, overworked and with a middle age crisis, and contemplating suicide. Although he didn't even do that. It would be too inappropriate. So he just fainted from exhaustion I guess. I wrote that scene in December 2017. And then in 2018 didn't manage to come up with much new. I stagnated completely, and almost completely stopped writing and drawing altogether. As you might already know 2018 was the worst year of my life. So it's no wonder I was literally unable to create anything. Sometimes I get sad when I look at my folders and see stuff like 2016 (70 items) 2017 (60 items) 2018 (30 items) 2019 (50 items) etc. Like the decline is so obvious and I know why. But at least, as that "if you have art block that's your brain trying to tell you to do studies", while my original stuff was plummeting, I have some genuine bangers in terms of studies from the summer of 2018.

Overall, the story was supposed to be heartwarming but ended up depressing. It does have all the blueprints to be a beautiful and uplifting one though! The love between characters is still palpable. It only needed to be more real ie not so censored that the main character literally has no flaws, and more of a conflict. Also the sequel was just literally me ruining the source material so I would completely scrap that or at least change it a lot. I'm sometimes very emotional about this unfinished novel. Oh, it was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Its development mirrors my mental state at the time quite accurately. One day I wish to rewrite this. Maybe when I get all my existential questions sorted out, and being more mature I am able to look back at all of this and make sense of it. But I would make it a less squeaky clean story too. I would make Ernest have serious questions about his faith, not this lowkey legalistic lifestyle being treated as "just being a good Christian, let's not ask many questions etc".

The main inspirations were all those period drama films where the woman is married to a husband she isn't in love with so she cheats on him with somebody she is in love with. Trying my absolute best to go the opposite direction of that. Had been reading the Rose of Versailles manga at the time + watching a lot of period dramas. Inspirations from the history I read etc.

NOVELLAS/ SHORT STORIES

The Hacker (October 2013 - with the last additions during spring 2016 - aged 12-15)

A movie script idea I had been writing on and off.

The main premise is a hacker (for whatever reason) trying to create a virus that infects the whole Internet, but one day he passes out in exhaustion in front of his computer and suddenly finds himself in the virtual world. Every app has a human form etc.

The main character, villain-protagonist is a guy named Hans, and the antagonist, arguably a more moral individual, is the mysterious Mr. G. The latter is supposed to be a representation of the entire Internet but a later reveal is that everybody in that virtual world is an isekai'd actual human. And the elusive Mr. G? Is Hans's programmer neighbour, Gerhard. (At first I chose Hans' name arbitrary but then I decided this is actually taking place in Germany because one of the songs I was listening to a lot for inspiration was Berlin by the Piano Guys).

In the virtual world, the virus created by Hans took actual form (it was a black goo/ wave that engulfed everything it touched, destroying it. Whatever it touched, started glitching green then black 0s and 1s, making the characters turn to dust not unlike in infinity war + endgame). The problem was that Mr. G and the others were basically convinced that if they got infected by the virus they would get killed irl too. Said Mr G had two children (teens - the girl representing social media and the boy representing video platforms). Over the course of the story, they both get engulfed by the virus, basically dying. The boy, right before his father's eyes, and the girl, right before Hans' eyes, and he is helpless to stop it, although he had made the virus in the first place. The scene of confrontation between Mr. G and Hans (which I wrote in 2016) hits extremely hard. The rage I drew on his face, as well as the sorrow like man... and if you think about it yeah, this dude really killed Mr. G's children...

At any rate both remember their lives back in the real world (in an early version there was a memory room which showed their flashbacks in video format). Gerhard was a single dad, his wife having left him for whatever reason (mostly to do with his workaholic tendencies). Hans had a girlfriend too and she does make an appearance in the virtual world too, as a sort of mercenary figure (she kind of opposes Hans but not really. She tries to help Mr. G's daughter too but with no success). At the very end, the virus spreads so far that almost everything is destroyed. Mr. G is dying (literally fading away) and shares some last words with Hans. He dies immediately afterwards too.

The two wake up back in the real world, their respective computers not only completely ruined, but literally on fire too. Thankfully, their death in the virtual world doesn't translate into their death irl. But the two still are in danger because the apartments caught fire and they have to escape etc. They make it out alive and mostly uninjured. Gerhard reunites with his children (and his ex is there too, to tell him he cannot look after the kids etc but that gets solved too). Hans goes to prison etc. However, fortunately, it is clear to him that Gerhard finally forgave him. It is implied Hans will get out eventually and resume his life etc, and they'll be friends etc.

The main inspirations were (movies that I had watched for the 1st time in my life at the age of 12 and literally had my mind blown) the Matrix + Inception. I already mentioned the song Berlin by the Piano Guys being used as inspiration etc. And most importantly, because I wouldn't have started writing it if it weren't for reading those, two short stories I read in a Romanian Christian magazine for college students from the early 2000s. One of them was about hacking and the other was about a college student metaphorically rotting away in his dorm room for decades, which to me seemed both horrifying but also a great source of inspiration for the "darker tone" I was going for with my story.

It is unfinished in the sense that I never actually sat down and wrote the script itself. But I finalised the outline back in 2016 so...

Fairy worldbuilding project (starting 2017 ish - aged 16)

Not much of a story but I loved doing worldbuilding. There are fairies who are based on several insects, and each species has a country, its Queen etc. Butterflies are considered frivolous etc but they carry the textile industry. Bees are the hardworking ones etc - food industry. Flies, Moths and Fireflies are nocturnal so they hold meetings at odd hours in order to adjust to the timezone of the others. Ie international meeting between Butterflies and Moths: 10 am but its very early for the Butterfly and very late for the Moth etc. Ladybugs!!! Just all bugs basically fall here. Including scarabs which are like super buff. Actual bugs are stereotyped as dirty etc. Flies are kinda tricksters etc. They get along ish but not really.

The plot if it had one would be internal political conflict in the Butterfly Kingdom. The Queen refuses to step down and let her niece rule. Matriarchal society etc. The Butterfly Queen rules over the others Kingdoms as well etc so it's kind of an Empire. But Ants for example, being mostly terrestrial and wingless, are separate.

This mostly makes sense by looking at the actual artwork. Not much else here. Ongoing forever maybe, it's just for fun. My baby cousins loved watching me draw these.

VAGUE IDEAS

NOVELS

Yet unnamed (January 2023 - aged almost 22)

I wish to rewrite that fanfiction Do you know what it feels like? as an original piece.

NOVELLAS/ SHORT STORIES

Many ideas throughout 2016-2019 but ofc not only.

Untitled medieval story (summer 2019 - aged 18)

Arranged marriage between a prince and a princess. They don't get along at first but eventually fall in love. He was a bit arrogant at first but got better. He had some scars from smallpox as a child etc which is how she gets him to talk about his backstory. He even gets wounded in battle at some point, and by that point she already cared about him etc etc.

In Memoriam (2020/2021 ish - aged 19-20)

A story from the perspective of an old woman seeing her whole life before her eyes. She faints/ almost dies of a heart attack when she looks at the 21 December 1989 memorial, and has a lot of flashbacks in chronological order or not. We learn that she was fervently loyal to the communist party and there seems to be feeling subconsciously guilty over something. The rest would be a spoiler - I genuinely want to write this one day.

I want this to be part of a volume for other short stories, Red Shadows, all in some way related to Romanian communist or post-communist history, all of the characters being at least tangentially connected in some way, thereby unifying the narratives within the volume.

FANFICTION

Untitled (2016/2017 ish - aged 15-16)

A Derpy and Dr. Whooves ship fanfic. Basically combining a human AU with the Pony world. The two meet irl, him being a time traveller, fall in love etc, start a family, but the interdimensional police eventually come after him and catch him, forcibly separating the two. She ends up in the pony world and spends many years there, raising Dinky etc. But one day she manages to reach an interdimensional warp zone and find her long lost husband etc but the police kill him. Thankfully by now she already knew to operate time travel tech so she rewinds time etc before he gets shot and by a combo of time stops, also redirects the bullets etc. They manage to escape from them forever, and live happily etc.

I wish I had written this when I first thought of it, but I basically just daydreamt it and left it.

Betrayed (2018 ish - aged 17)

A Hans fanfic (Frozen) which recontectualises his villain turn not as a random thing neither as a planned thing, but as him going insane from so much betrayal during his lifetime. He tells Anna if only there were somebody to love you not to be cruel, but to make a bitter jab at the fact that he believes her to be cheating on him with Kristoff. Basically Anna's engagement song is taken seriously and not as a joke and Hans is like how can you abandon me so fast etc. He does succumb to madness as it were etc and the events go down and he gets imprisoned etc see the Frozen fever short. So the story would end tragically with him catching some sort of disease, a literal deadly fever, and some nurse being the last person he sees. For a brief moment he remembers the good times with Anna and as he lay dying he calls her name. The nurse, for the sake of comforting a dying man, pretends to recognise him etc and tells him some encouraging words etc. He dies but kind of imagining a more happy version of events in which he just happened to fall sick but at least he saw his fiancee during his last moments.

I did make myself cry with this concept lmao but I never sat down to write it.

The Red Plague (2019 - aged 18)

Hetalia historical fanfic. There is a mysterious lab disease called the red plague. Russia is the first to get sick etc. The plague is supposed to mirror the spread of communism etc and the symptoms are supposed to be both physical but especially psychological, the other characters being horrified at how much their friends chanted for the worse etc.

Yet untitled (january 2023 - aged almost 22)

Maybe I will try that Hamlet with a happy ending lmao why not. I should at least try

____

Of course, there are so so many more stories I have not included, especially the older ones. I will update this every now and again. I hope you enjoy this. I will post pictures too. This masterpost is merely an introduction.

[dramatic-dolphin]

btw i have a personal vendetta against makeup and i hate when it is ever portrayed positively or as a fun thing. yes i will be a hater until the day i die no i will not change my mind ❤

[rookflower]

ok, so. i drew every warrior cat! here's a long rambling sentimental reflective-type post on the blog i guess.

I started this blog when I was 15, in 2018. I was bored at a summer job, scribbled Onestar on the back of a sticker sheet, and thought "huh, there sure is a lot of Warrior Cats characters! I've seen some design blogs around, I think there's a "draw 100 cats challenge" people do, wouldn't it be fun if I gave that a try?" I had nothing going on art-wise at the moment, I was losing steam on my Pokemon webcomic and had given up askblogs a while ago, so I quickly fell into it.

Starting out was weird- I'd only read up to about Power of Three at the time, and hadn't read TPB or TNP in quite a while. I vivdly remember someone sending me a request to draw Tawnypelt about 20 cats in or so, and I genuinely couldn't remember who she even was. I think I got a request to draw Jagged Peak before I even knew DOTC existed? I wasn't working off of a specific list, and would miss certain cats out entirely due to forgetting them which frustrated me. Drawing cats was fun, and once I got to 100 eventually I found myself going "well, now what? I haven't even drawn Sorreltail, Nightstar, Appledusk, Spiderleg..." so, i kept going!

Then 2020 rolled around and lockdown hit, and I was suddenly stuck in my house with no plans, seemingly unlimited time, and a desperate need for some kind of outlet that offered escapism from the world.

Drawing Warrior Cats was something mundane and rhythmic but creative and enjoyable, and I found the aspect of looking at it as a challenge alluring, the same way I had when the goal was "100 random warrior cats". How far could I get before having to stop? I couldn't do over 1000 cats, right?

uh.

I could!

sunk cost fallacy or whatever, I guess?

Lot has changed in my life over the course of this. I started the challenge just after leaving high school, and now I'm headed into my third year of uni. Some family's moved around, we have a cat now, I started playing video games again, my bedroom's been revamped, I met some internet friends IRL for the first time, I'm more or less publicly out as gay, all different kinds of stuff. It's fucking wild to consider that one of the biggest constants in my life these past few years has been drawing goddamn warrior cats. I've had the Warriors wiki list of characters open on my computer basically forever, and finally closing it feels like a goodbye.

So what's happening with this blog? Well, I'm not upkeeping a daily queue anymore, that's for sure. There are some cats here I KNOW I'm going to want to go back and redesign at some point though, so this isn't over! Even if I'm less active here, for now, I'm not going anywhere. I'll probably also use this for any general warriors art/posts I want to make, as well as those "send me asks" request meme thingies. those are fun.

I'm hoping to be maybe more active on my youtube now, as well as just generally experimenting with my art more. One of the biggest downsides of spending 3 years drawing fullbody flatcolours of warrior cats and not that much else is that my improvement on every ground except cat anatomy and character design has become pretty fuckin stagnant lmao. I need to make art with backgrounds and shading and non-cat characters again or i think ill explode. time to get out of this comfort zone!!

speaking of, very lucky this thing ended right at the start of Artfight. I'm @/RioBlitzle there and I try to revenge back attacks! Will probably put my energy into that for a wee while.

@daily-mario-characters might come back,, eventually but I'm not promising anything, and if I haven't learned anything from running this blog you might see me on a "drawing every pokemon" streak in a few months. it is how it is.

Anyways, thank you all so much for your support. Massive shoutout to everyone who's ever left nice comments in the tags of my posts, I don't really have a way to respond but I read every one of those and please know that they absolutely make my day.

Thanks for sticking through this challenge with me!

[personasintro]

Hi hello Mimi, because I am so sick of all these insulting anons on my feed, I just wanted to brighten your mood with one of my theories (it is not necessarily a big one, but my sister and I actually talked quiet a lot about the possibility):

Since Haechan appeared in one of the earlier chapters and we got to know yn‘s thoughts about his „new appearance“ as a young adult, we are of the opinion that she will end up with him again. I mean, that does not sound that ridiculous/exceptional and it also wouldn’t hesitate the story by them getting to know each other because they already were in a relationship, so it would not take that long to rebuild their trust for each other (I would actually ship them ngl).

So the story will go on with their relationship etc. and then there will be a meeting or sth like that again with the whole group and they‘ll find out that Haechan is the one Kiko cheated with. But because he doesn’t actually know that Kiko was in a relationship when they did the dirty, he‘ll be quiet comfortable around the group - before the reveal, of course.

These are some other points, why we think our theory is realistic:

- When they first met again in the supermarket, Haechan mentioned his „nice“ friends who told them to bring sth … his friends could be Hobi, Seokjin, Namjoon …

- Also Jeongguk was quiet irritated when Yn stole some dirty looks from Haechan. That’s why I think, he will be really angry that he was Kiko‘s affair and maybe he won‘t even like him as Yn‘s boyfriend.

That’s how we think the story will continue after the come-out:

- There will definitely be a tension between the group, particularly between the 4 lovebirds, but Yn would not break up with Haechan because of the mess Kiko caused, not even for Jeongguk. So the will fight blablabla and probaby not talk to each other. That, however, would lead to them being depressed, sad and angry etc. and Kiko may notice that, which is why she considers to break up with Jk or something. I am not sure about the consequences of the fight Yn and Jk would have, but I think they wouldn’t talk to each other for sure. At least I would like it that way because that means more drama hahaha.

Well, that was our theory and we actually are quiet proud of it, but we also know for sure that you will probably catch us by suprise in a much better way, just like always. We look forward to the drama!!!

Also I have some random questions about the further course of the book and also a personal one (I hope it isn‘t too personal, since I know you like to keep your privacy):

1. Your writing is seriously sooooo amazing and we are so impressed by it. Your skills are genuinely incredible, we‘re so immersed in the story. And because we think your writing is a level too high for wattpad, we wondered if you‘ve ever planned on writing a „real“ book to sell and to become a bestseller? Because it’s not just your writing style, but also your creative and realistic plots. And we are serious when we say that you really take us by surprise in each chapter. We think a lot of people would actually like them so much. At least we would buy any of your books (This was actually the personal one; I hope we didn’t interfere your privacy).

2. You said we are very close to the highlight of the story you are so exited to write about - even before you began to write the story - and you also mentioned that it won‘t be just one chapter but kinda like a chapter-series. Now, will we reach the „beginning of the highlight“ in one of the forty-chapters or more like after/during the fiftieth chapter? If u know, what we mean.

3. Ok, so we know Jeongguk turned 26 during the book and Yn will turn 23 soon. And we actually thought that they got to know each other in school, but i guess not because of the age gap (it is not that much lol, but I am confused because I don‘t know other people in school who know others that are 3 years older or so). My question is if we will ever find out how they became friends. We are sorry if you already explained once on tumblr or if that was already told in the book. We might just overlooked it, but we really don’t know how and when they friendship happened.

4. There’s certainly a tension between Yn and especially on Hobi’s side. We just wanna know, if there is something behind it, because it seems like Hobi is hinting at something? I guess we are just making a big deal out of it hihihi.

5. Is there the slightest chance of Sope happening? I mean Yoongi is bi, wasn‘t he? Or maybe pan, idk? So why not :)

I feel like I forgot something but if I‘ll remember it again, I will write another ask. And I‘ll apologize beforehand if I messed up some scenes. I sometimes forget things.

We’d be very thankful if you’d react to our theory in any kind of way (a simple reaction to it would already be enough; maybe an emoji or gif?) and answer the questions (If u don’t mind and we hope we are not urging you to give us spoilers; these are mostly questions you could shortly answer with a no or yes to avoid spoilers). Sorry for the long ask and if we take away your time :l

Anyway, luv u Mimi <3

Btw we’re leo besties :*

That's very interesting theory actually!👀 not many people have mentioned Haechan being involved in this

1. You've probably seen me answering this question but no, I don't plan on publishing any books. This is just my hobby and honestly, I don't think I'm nowhere near of being a good and big writer to do that!

2. The highlights of this story started ever since NYE trip and the drama, hopefully it'll only get better from now on :)

3. I've answered this too by now (I'm sorry, I know I'm late to answering your asks🥺) and they met when Jimin and Taehyung introduced them. I've never thought of it as being an important information, so I never put that much attention to it.

4. They both didn't get along at the start because they were both protecting their best friends and actually, they're quite similar in that aspect haha

5. Yoongi x Hoseok? That's random!! How did you even come up with this?😬

Since this is an older ask, I've already shared a few spoilers by now so if you'll excuse me, I won't add another one since you guys would probably figure out the whole chapter hahahh

Thank you for your ask and kind words♡

[forasecondtherewedwon]

Unhallowed Arts

Threesome: Peter Parker x Michelle Jones x Brad Davis Rating: E Word Count: 11,077

This is a submission for Thotumn, organized by @spideysmjs!!! Today’s prompt: Threesome (but this fic also includes previous prompts: Semi-Public, Face-Sitting, and “Don’t Be Gentle”).

Summary: “What’s the compromise between abruptly shutting this down (her sex drive weeps) and getting in bed with a guy who will make the experience too emotionally intense?

'Have you ever had a threesome?’ Michelle blurts.

'…What? No.’

‘Neither have I. But I’ve been, um, wanting to try it.’

Have you? she demands of herself, wiping a damp palm on her jeans.

‘You, me, and someone else?’ Brad’s eyebrows are very high on his forehead. ‘That’s a lot of bodies, uh, coming together.’”

Brad Davis has a Mary Shelley mug. He used to drink from it—coffee he brought to work in a thermos from home, which smelled so delicious that Michelle would go out of her way to inhale it over his shoulder, pretending to let him show her something on his monitor—until the mug cracked and he switched to using it to house typical office junk. She asked him about the mug exactly once, fearing it was bait to intrigue a certain kind of person, to make him seem like a certain kind of person himself. But he surprised her. Turns out he’s not a douche (or at least not a douche who lures women in with female authors of historical significance), just a genuine Shelley fan.

He’s not many things Michelle initially assumed him to be, striking them off a mental list over the months they’ve worked together: not a guy who takes the last free seat at the table during a team meeting, not a guy who checks out his own reflection on his black phone screen, not a guy who wears sturdy hiking boots for show. When they troop out to conduct surveys on behalf of the conservation initiative they work for, Brad scrambles up the side of eroding banks and squelches into marshland until water soaks his socks and surface residue clings to his leg hair.

Brad’s not pushy, though she’s well aware that he’s been watching her as long as she’s been watching him.

Early on into them working together, she fell into his arms. Literally fell. The team encouraged Michelle to wait for the second truck, the one bringing the ladder, but she got stubborn and climbed the tree to check the bat box the old-fashioned way. Unfortunately, some of the branches were dead and hollow inside, but Brad caught her when she dropped eight feet. And then flirted with her before she could catch her breath. She had some less friendly words for him in return. The first time he surprised her was when he immediately respected her clear boundaries and backed off. They’ve learned to work easily with each other and drink together in the same booth when people from the initiative hit the bar—on evenings they don’t smell too much like they spent the day in Mother Nature’s armpit. They’re friendly, could almost be friends, except that she’s incredibly conscious of his persistent attraction to her, even if he doesn’t do anything about it because he’s not a douche. It’s a knowledge Michelle simply lives with.

But there have been an awful lot of evenings lately of smelling like whatever swamp she waded into during the day, of either going straight home to shower the stench away (thank fuck for rent with utilities included), or hunching over her laptop as she tries to get a grant application finished before a midnight submission deadline. Nobody she works with is holding their breath for the day the government decides it should just give them the money to protect local habitats without making them prove themselves over and over and compete against other worthy environmental projects for the funds. So, Michelle works, and she wades, and she loses many of the evenings she could be out getting laid.

On a regular they-better-pay-us-for-the-overtime evening and not a marshy/swampy/boggy one, she’s comfortably stretched out in a booth with Brad across the table. Two of their colleagues were here a minute ago, but they got up to… go to the bathroom? Grab another round? That’s a little hazy, but Michelle can feel something becoming clearer to her. Observing her own hand as she twirls the base of her latest empty across the tabletop, she asks a question.

“You like Mary Shelley, right?”

Brad, glassy-eyed but still trying to look professional with the way he has his hands folded on the surface in front of him, smiles at her. She can feel it.

“Yes. Her creativity was astounding. If I were in the running for the Miss Universe pageant—”

Michelle jerks her chin back and looks up to make a face at him.

“—and they asked me what historical figure I would most like to have dinner with, I would say Mary Shelley. Hands down.”

“Cool story, bro. Hey, Brad?”

“Mhmm.”

She can tell by his drifting gaze and expression of introspection that he’s planning out his pageant answers.

“Do you still want to sleep with me?”

That focuses his attention. He laughs uncomfortably.

“Why… why would you think that?”

“Oh, so, what’s your limit?” Michelle presses, slightly snide with the alcohol in her bloodstream. “You’re not interested in going past holding hands? Making out for no more than five minutes? Because you obviously want something,” she rambles on. “You look at me, I know you do.”

“This isn’t just an idle question, is it?” Brad asks.

He leans forward to look at her as carefully as his tipsiness will allow. As if he already knows the answer. Their thought patterns are very similar, she’s found. It’s why they’re effective at work and why it’s possible to fall into a discussion on books during their overlapping lunch hours. She likes him—not a lot, but enough to have started this conversation. She stares back at him.

“I wouldn’t say no to it,” he offers quietly, though the bar is crowded tonight and Michelle doubts their words are traveling beyond the booth.

Now, Brad’s looking at her in a way that makes her realize, all this time, he’s barely been looking at her. With the permission to think of her in this way, there’s a clear desire there, a gaze that slips again and again to her mouth. Huh. Ok. Maybe she didn’t completely think this whim through before sharing it with him. She can’t fuck that Brad. She’s been imagining the drinking companion, the nice forearms he reveals when he literally rolls up his sleeves in the field, the man who will always be a little on her nerves for flirting with her as he cradled her against him. Someone whose world she could casually rock with the assurance that they both have enough self-confidence to carry on afterwards without getting clingy or feeling disposed of.

What’s the compromise between abruptly shutting this down (her sex drive weeps) and getting in bed with a guy who will make the experience too emotionally intense?

“Have you ever had a threesome?” Michelle blurts.

“…What? No.”

“Neither have I. But I’ve been, um, wanting to try it.”

Have you? she demands of herself, wiping a damp palm on her jeans.

“You, me, and someone else?” Brad’s eyebrows are very high on his forehead. “That’s a lot of bodies, uh, coming together.”

“Come on, Brad—”

“‘Where’s your sense of adventure?’” he guesses.

“I was going to say, I thought you loved Frankenstein.”

She rounds her impulsive invitation off with a smile.

—

Michelle doesn’t volunteer to select the third person. When she considers which of her friends and acquaintances she’d be comfortable having sex with, well, there’s Brad. That already hasn’t gone the way she predicted. Everyone else she’s close to either feels like family, is in a monogamous relationship, or just isn’t attractive to her in that way. She consoles herself over putting the choice of their third into Brad’s hands with the thought that he seems like he’d be the most suspect person in a friend group (yes, they get along, but there’s something sleazy about the way he tries too hard), so whoever he asks can only be more tolerable than him.

“So, a buddy of mine said he’d be into it,” Brad says as she’s passing his desk one day. Michelle stops dead and he swivels in his chair, drumming his fingers on the armrest.

“You’re talking about…”

“Yeah.” He darts a look around, then hits her with a conspiratorial smile.

“Oh. Ok. Good. Turtles,” she says more loudly to cover for them. Her gaze darts to the nearest desk, but Jocelyn’s wearing headphones and bobbing her head as she populates a spreadsheet. Reassured, Michelle takes a step towards Brad and lowers her voice again. “What’s his name? How do you know him?”

“His name’s Peter. We play soccer together.”

“How the hell do you have time to participate in organized sports?”

“That’s what I do while you’re working your way through the New York Times Best Seller list,” Brad jokes.

“Fair. But who is this guy?”

“You want his résumé?”

“No, I want to know he’s not going to give me an STI or try anything freaky.”

“Freaky,” he echoes. “As opposed to threesomes, which are an incredibly common thing to do with your boyfriend.”

“Or your friend from work,” Michelle retorts, to keep things very clear. Brad appears fleetingly wounded. Too bad. He can say no any time, but it’s obvious that he’d rather see her naked in a threesome than the alternative. Which is never.

“Yeah, of course. Anyway, you don’t have to worry about Peter. He’s responsible, he’s single, he was raised by his aunt and they’re still really close. She comes to all our games.” He lets out a derisive sort of laugh and Michelle narrows her eyes at him.

“That’s sweet.”

“I guess,” he concedes.

“Why’s he single?” she asks, rapid-fire.

“I don’t know, because he wants to be?”

“‘Wants to be’ like he’s emotionally stable and waiting for the right person to come along or ‘wants to be’ like he’s a flake with commitment issues?”

Brad gives her a look like she’s overthinking this; it betrays an utter lack of comprehension of a woman’s perspective on relationships. The validity of her questions goes over his head.

“Why does it matter if he has commitment issues?”

“Relax,” she says, rolling her eyes. “I’m not trying to date him, it just says something about his personality. I don’t want to do this with somebody selfish, because if he’s selfish in other areas, he’s probably selfish in bed.”

“He’s a good passer,” Brad says. “On the field. He always ends the season with more assists than goals.”

“That’s… not a totally useless testimonial.”

“I appreciate your approval.”

Michelle would laugh if his tone weren’t a little too earnest. The way he really wants to impress her can be grating. Well, he’ll soon have his chance to impress her in a situation where she actually wants to be impressed.

“Get back to work, slacker,” she tells him, returning to her own desk.

Fifteen minutes later, Brad texts her with three different dates to choose from. Michelle pulls up her calendar, colour-coded with deadlines and days she’ll be working out in the woods. Taking late nights and the need for long showers into account, she picks a date, then leaves her thumb hovering over ‘Send’. She puts her phone down.

This is where she could still back out. Brad’s mentioned it to his friend, but she’s under no obligation to either of them. Would it be awkward to change her mind and see Brad at work every day? Yes, though she could always say she just wasn’t that serious about it to begin with. Which she wasn’t! For someone who’s soothed by referring to her colour-coded calendar and progressing through life with each forward step carefully considered, tossing out a suggestion to have a threesome was rash.

Michelle eyes her phone.

On the other hand, Brad likes her too much to be a dick post-ménage à trois, which, as far as she can see, is sort of an ideal trait in a threesome companion. If she were going to do this. She wheels her chair back and cranes to peer across the room at him. Focused on his screen, he brushes his black hair out of his face with a quick swipe of his hand. Damn, he is nice-looking. The kind of guy Michelle would definitely approach at a bar for a one-night stand if he flashed a smile her way. If picturing him naked intrigues her, then the idea of lying down between him and another muscled body (Brad said soccer, so she’s assuming this friend has an athletic build) while the three of them wind over and under each other like a braid definitely ticks a big ‘YES’ box in her brain. Her hand shoots out for her phone. She hits ‘Send’.

Three bodies which will, in Brad’s words, be coming together. Maybe not what Mary Shelley had in mind, but anticipating this threesome does more for Michelle’s libido than an electrified jigsaw of corpses ever could.

—

It’s a different bar, and she’s in different clothes, but otherwise, it’s not a totally foreign way for Michelle and Brad to spend their Friday evening. Provided he shows up. She darted home after work and a loaded glance at Brad, showered, and starred deep into her neglected makeup bag like it was some sort of prophetic tool. Michelle, it said to her, you don’t want lipstick smeared all over your face and eyeshadow fallout stinging your eyes. Leave it at mascara and a whole whack of waterproof eyeliner. She obeyed these wise words with trembling hands, nearly prodding herself in the eye with her mascara wand because, even with a doable task to concentrate on, she was nervous.

She adjusts her short, black skirt, rocking side-to-side on the stool. For a regular date, it’s the kind of item she would borrow from a friend, but it struck Michelle as incredibly gross to wear a friend’s skirt to a threesome and then return it to them afterwards, so she bought this one online. During work hours. Feeling incredibly furtive, though everybody dabbles in online shopping during lulls in their workload. The skirt was never a normal purchase; she knew it was going to end up right here, right now, between her ass and a barstool. She gulps the end of her whiskey and goes back to cradling the beer that’s been her emotional support as she waits for the guys.

Arriving ten minutes early has felt like an age—time stretching wretchedly like those clocks in ‘The Scream’—but she finally hears a familiar voice calling her name. Flipping her hair out of the neck of her leather jacket and grabbing her support system, Michelle turns to spot Brad’s face. He smiles and waves, stepping through the crowd that’s building steadily as the after-work drinkers are exchanged for the cutting-loose-for-the-weekend drinkers. When she slips down from the stool, her skirt rides up, and the man who is usually just a co-worker allows himself to notice. His gaze on her bare legs feels good.

“Sorry we’re late,” he says, though they both know she’s early. But Michelle will take this pleasantry over an implication that she’s overeager.

Since they were at work together only a few hours ago, she skips small talk.

“Where’s your…” Friend, she’s going to say. She doesn’t need to.

Brad—tidy in a partially unbuttoned blue shirt—angles himself towards her side, making room for the woman taking the barstool she vacated, and Michelle sees a man approaching with the two of them as his clear destination. Her first sense of him is filtered through Brad. Once, through Brad’s description, twice, through Brad’s cologne. It may be coming off her friend’s skin, but the scent clings to Peter in her brain. What she’s smelling is the woods, only more expensive somehow, like a perfume company bottled the idea of glamping. Doesn’t matter that the scent doesn’t suit him at all. He walks with his head up, eyes openly excited, and it makes her think of a schoolkid progressing through a museum’s dinosaur exhibit. All he’s missing is a backpack with straps for him to clutch. Letting her gaze skim down from his face, Michelle actually can’t picture him trying to haul on a backpack; his shoulders look broad and strong, even under the incongruous red hoodie he’s wearing.

“Oh,” he says when he sees her standing next to Brad. Under any other circumstances, she’d be taken aback by his eyes scanning the full length of her body, but she’s going to fuck this stranger tonight and when he looks back up to her face, he’s grinning. “Hey.”

“Hi,” she replies, more guarded, less forward, until Brad suggests trying to find someplace to sit and Michelle’s able to check Peter out from behind as he leads them away from the bar. Nice butt.

They snag a coveted corner spot as a small group in business attire is leaving it, settling with Brad between them. Peter makes himself useful by dashing back to the bar and returning with the fingers of one hand twined between the necks of a trio of beers and the fingers of the other slightly dipping into the liquid in a pair of tumblers.

“I didn’t know what you’d like beyond what you’re already drinking,” he says, jerking his chin towards the beer Michelle finished while he was gone.

“That’s fine,” she assures him. “I don’t want to be too… I want to be aware of…”

God, trying to discuss the imminent threesome directly is making her flustered. She has a swig from the new bottle he placed in front of her. Peter leans across Brad and offers his to clink with. Where Brad’s face is aggressively handsome in the heavy line of his eyebrows and the sharp perfection of his teeth, up close, Peter’s is cute and unintimidating.

“Here’s to being a consenting participant tonight and remembering it tomorrow,” he says.

Unintimidating, but not uncompelling, especially when he tilts his head back to drink and she can watch the line of his jaw.

Michelle blushes, but knocks her bottle against his.

Two rounds deeper for them and one for her, the heat of the bar and the alcohol in her system are getting to her. She winds her way back from the washroom and shrugs out of her jacket before sitting down. Peter manages to get the end of his sentence out, but Brad doesn’t even try to respond as he takes in the low sides of her silky top. Michelle slides closer to him than she was sitting before and puts a hand on his knee as he finally turns his head and stutters out a reply to Peter. Peter looks past him and catches her eye. Her heart’s springing up and down in her chest because she realized, staring at her reflection as she washed her hands, that, if they’re going to do this, somebody’s gotta make a move. Peter, sleeves shoved up, is staring back at her like he’s been thinking the same thing. His hand smooths over Brad’s thigh.

Under the table, Brad keeps his legs still, his feet flat on the ground. His comfort in his own skin is something Michelle’s always respected. He even succeeds in raising his glass steadily to his lips and taking another drink while Peter runs his hand higher. With a little throat-clearing, Brad parts his thighs further. She doesn’t mean to be, but Michelle’s waiting for Peter to go first. They were talking about something innocuous when he said just enough to imply that he’s never been in a threesome either. Regardless, there’s a confidence in the way he touches Brad. She trails her fingers up Brad’s thigh and Peter locks eyes with her as their gazes cross watching their friend swallow.

Suddenly, the man between them is a little less present, even with the sharp breath he takes at the moment Peter tucks his hand against his crotch. Michelle rests her hand over his. She feels his skin, lets her fingers slip through his, as Brad gasps and swells beneath Peter’s palm; she can tell—they have to change the curve of their grip to accommodate the erection. Brad’s arm curls around her waist and presses her into his side as her and Peter’s hands move together, stroking through Brad’s pants, rubbing him. He glances at her, heat in his eyes, but she’s looking at Peter again by the time she leans in and kisses Brad’s throat. She draws it out into a lick at the slack way Peter’s mouth is hanging open. Hopefully, the fall of her hair is blocking the necking from the view of other patrons, but that hope is tough to keep in mind when Peter’s tongue appears to wet his lower lip. Like she’s kissing him.

There’s a squeeze between Michelle’s thighs that has her gripping Peter’s hand more firmly, urging him to jerk Brad off faster. She glances towards Peter’s lap and he lifts his hoodie with his free hand to expose the bulge in the front of his jeans. The scent of her perfume rises as sweat trickles between her breasts. They knead Brad rapidly until he chokes out a plea for them to stop, begging to take this someplace private. She grabs her jacket in one hand and links the fingers of her other through Brad’s. Tugging him to the exit, she trusts Peter to bring up the rear.

—

Making out in the back of a rideshare is bad behaviour, so Michelle takes the passenger’s seat when the car pulls up. Because she is feeling the need to go back a step from risky under-the-table handjobs and just kiss someone. And that someone is not the friend she arranged this with. She glances at the sidemirror as they’re passing under a streetlight and Peter’s staring at her. He winks. Slowly, like she’s just looking idly around as they drive, she turns to glance into the backseat. Brad has his arm stretched out along the top the seats and his fingers have dipped into the neck of Peter’s hoodie. Michelle’s pulse accelerates just imagining the warmth of that throat. Scrambling for her phone, she sends Brad a text.

Put your fingers in his mouth.

She faces forward again for about a block, prolonging her outward nonchalance even as she hears a vibration, followed by Brad’s soft snort of acknowledgement as he reads her text. She glances around the edge of her seat and sees him act. His hand comes out of the sweatshirt to take Peter by the chin and turn his face towards him. Briefly, he inclines his head towards his friend, speaking too quietly for her to distinguish the words, but Michelle guesses it’s something about her watching because Peter’s gaze jumps to her as he opens his mouth and accepts two of Brad’s fingers. She can see him sucking as Brad withdraws, cheeks flushed. He looks to her—for approval, she thinks, until he holds his wet fingers up and curls them in the air in a highly suggestive motion. Oh shit. Michelle feels herself pressing down on the floor of the car like she’s in the driver’s seat with the accelerator under her foot.

They’re going to her place where: she’s on home turf, she knows it’s clean, she can go right to sleep after kicking them out. Also, the one luxury of her second-story apartment is the king-size bed her friends seriously, outrageously got on ladders to help her push through the sliding door of her balcony because that was easier than carrying it up the narrow staircase. Tonight, she plans to get some good use out of all those acres of mattress.

As with the hijinks in the car, she knows both men are watching her as she lets them into the building and then through her front door.

“Kitchen,” Michelle says, with a loose wave of her hand. “Living room, bathroom. And the bedroom’s at the end of the hall.”

Brad excuses himself to empty his bladder and/or psych himself up in the mirror above the bathroom sink and she’s wondering how to entertain his friend during these uncertain moments of transition when Peter basically lunges forward and kisses her. She moans into his mouth because it’s sudden but it’s good. His hands go right to her ass and her arms wrap around the back of his neck, holding him against her. With her heels, she has a handful of inches on him, but that doesn’t appear to make him pouty or daunted. It’s less than a minute, probably fewer than thirty seconds (understanding the flow of time is temporarily lost on Michelle), but they separate panting.

“You can tell Brad to stick his fingers in my mouth all you want,” Peter murmurs, still staring at her lips, “but I’ve got something I wanna to stick places too.”

“Understood.” She nudges her thigh into his groin.

“So, you guys aren’t waiting for me, huh?” Brad asks with a tight smile as he walks out of the bathroom to see Peter’s hands on her ass and her pressing back against him.

This is kind of the idea, all three of them experimenting with each other, but she can tell he’s annoyed that anything went on while he was out of the room. That he’s possibly jealous. Though it doesn’t feel right to move away from Peter, Michelle knows how to rectify this. She strides to Brad and puts her hands lightly on his chest before kissing him, more coyly than Peter kissed her. She lets Brad come down to her as he hunts out what he wants from the kiss. This feels nice too, though it has more of the familiarity of kissing a friend—even though they haven’t touched in this way before—than the bubbling lust that went with kissing Peter. As she continues, tracing her fingers to the center of his chest to stroke his skin and begin undoing his buttons, Peter comes up behind her and helps her out of her jacket. She hears her keys jingle in the pocket and tap against her phone. When his hands sneak through the sides of her shirt to run across the underside of her breasts, Michelle pushes Brad back, back, back, and the three of them stagger to her bedroom.

She and Brad make out in the dark for a while, and without light, the kissing get rougher, their breathing ragged. Once she has all the buttons of Brad’s shirt undone, she reaches back for Peter and he grips her hand tightly as he grinds his erection against her ass. They’re pressing snugly into her front and back when she thinks of things like being able to locate condoms and ogle muscles—both activities require some light. Michelle squeezes out from between them and turns her bedside lamp on, angling the shade so the light stays low. Turning to check on them, she sees one man standing there with his shirt open and dishevelled and the other rigid in the front of his jeans. Brad’s hard too—she felt it when she stood against him, but his erection’s not visible from where she’s standing now. It’s odd, seeing the space between their bodies and knowing she was just in it. But with Peter rubbing Brad’s dick at the bar and Brad clearly turned on by having Peter suck his fingers on the way here, they’ve been messing around too. Why should they pause to get her back in the middle? Stubborn and curious, Michelle crosses her arms where she stands and gives them an expectant look.

Peter reacts first; he grabs the back of Brad’s neck and stretches up to kiss him. The instant their mouths meet, Michelle understands the three of them have a problem. Trading off sexual favours, these guys are ok, but being on two sides of the same kiss makes them competitive. Fucking weekend athletes. Countering the dominant neck-grab, Brad bats Peter’s arm away and takes his face in his hands. It’s not sweet, it’s controlling. Peter’s next move is yanking Brad’s body against his by crumpling the open front of his shirt in his fists. Oops, well, alright, Michelle decides. Maybe it’s better to put herself back in the equation.

Because she has no intention of babying Brad through this experience, when she slips between them, she puts her back to him. Picturing his disappointed face, she raises her arms.

“Take her shirt off,” Peter interprets, tearing his hoodie over his head in a flurry that peels the t-shirt beneath halfway up his torso.

It’s evident in his method that Brad isn’t interested in being told what to do with her. He makes sure to drag his hands over her as he takes his time. Maybe he’s being a dick about it—that’s what the narrowing of Peter’s eyes tells her as he stares at Brad around Michelle’s head—but she’s enjoying this. There’s something about having spent so much time with Brad and those hands that has her pressing back against his erection. She’s witnessed him performing countless practical tasks, like driving the stakes for ‘Trail Closed’ signs deep into semi-frozen ground with a sledgehammer to protect new plant growth in the spring, knotting a rope leash around the waist of one of their colleagues as overkill when they wade into a pond to collect a sample, or just his impressive typing speed. (Not as many words per minute as she logs, but still.) He’s only quick when he pushes the material above her breasts and shifts his hands down quickly to cover, then massage them. She can almost hear him internally screaming at Peter that he beat him to this, only she doesn’t care. He’s tugging her nipples now and she shuts her eyes with a sigh.

“You like that?” he asks into her ear, which is when Peter loses patience for this display and removes her shirt the rest of the way himself.

Michelle retaliates by dropping her arms and edging his shirt up his stomach while Brad continues to caress her chest, now also kissing her shoulder. Though Peter lets her remove his t-shirt herself, she can add a willingness to get naked quick to the few things she knows about him; he seems like he’d be just as happy to whip all his clothes off at once as go through the foreplay of undressing each other. She remembers what he said to her in the kitchen. He has his own aspirations for tonight and the grin he gives her when she gets his t-shirt off makes her wonder what he wants and how soon she’ll be giving it to him. Michelle can’t feel any part of her resisting. It’s… surprisingly freeing.

Brad shuffles behind her, slipping out of his shirt, and her heart leaps as his chest presses to her back, skin to skin. Peter makes a grab for her crotch, but she lifts her eyebrows wryly and spins to face Brad instead.

“This fucking skirt,” she hears Peter mumble behind her as he slides his hands up her thighs to play with the hem.

It’s not exactly a sexual fantasy she’s fulfilling when she digs her fingers into Brad’s hair and combs it back, but it’s definitely a fantasy. He just has great hair. Sometimes, when she’s bored in a meeting, she’ll look over at him and feel this compulsion to run her fingers through it. She discovers that the strands feel soft and wonderful, so there’s one dream realized.

As she’s moving the palm of her hand down to cup his cheek, she shifts her head to the side, catching Brad’s eye and nodding back towards Peter.

“Kiss him nicely,” Michelle instructs.

Brad’s dark eyes bore into hers for a moment, then he breaks the stare and looks to Peter.

“Let’s go, Parker.”

Satisfied, she gets out of the way, circling behind Peter. While he’s partly distracted by the kiss (tamer than last time, by the looks of it), she rests her hands on his waist. Then, Michelle thinks, Screw it, and feels him up all over his chest, shoulders, and stomach, before wending her way down to his hips. His jeans are probably really putting pressure on his erection right now. She’ll help. After flicking the button open, she means to move away, but… plans change. She’s barely dipping the tips of her fingers below the waist of his jeans when Peter pulls away from Brad’s insistent mouth to mutter, “Well, that’s not fair.”

Instead of continuing, Michelle delights in retreating. Peter’s protesting noise is absorbed by his friend’s lips and she pats his ass before going to tease Brad. First, she guides the hand Peter has on Brad’s shoulder up into his hair so he can share her joy at how touchable it is. Then, she grazes her palms down his back. His friend’s body is dense with muscles, like somebody who goes to the gym a lot, where Brad’s is lean. Their work is a decent split between time indoors and outside, fairly physical, so she knows he has strong legs, good lungs, all the endurance he needs for the days they have to park far from a trailhead or navigate gullies. She forgot to ask what position they each play on their soccer team, but she’ll be concerned with another type of position for the foreseeable future.

To keep things even, Michelle unbuttons Brad’s pants. He makes a needful sound and goes momentarily loose between her body and Peter’s. This is not the reaction she expected from a man so socially comfortable, who apparently maintains a far better work/life balance (and, presumably, a steadier sex life) than she has lately. These noises, which continue as she works his zipper down against the push of his erection, expose him. He makes himself vulnerable. Something zinging through Michelle’s body compels her to take advantage.

She and Peter propel Brad’s co-operative body towards the bed. The guys land with a thump and continue kissing; Peter’s fingers form a gun as he angles Brad’s jaw, driving his tongue into his friend’s mouth. Michelle stares at them, breathing hard for having done nothing. Not breaking the kiss, Brad raises a hand to reach for her, but she’s quicker than that, dropping to her knees. She and the band of his underwear get along immediately—it’s easy to uncover his dick and the elastic cradles him instead of trying to snap back into place against his abdomen. Though the access with his pants still on isn’t amazing, she kisses his stomach, then the head of his cock. Up above, Brad moans.

With a smirk, Michelle repositions a little on her knees and grasps her friend’s thighs. He’s whimpering. He’s full-on whimpering. She leans in and licks slowly up his length. Her heels are already starting to bother her, so she reaches back and tugs them off one at a time. The next thing she means to do is gather her hair out of the way as she shallowly sucks Brad’s erection and strands swing forward, trying to tangle in his open zipper and stick to the saliva she’s coating him in, but Peter’s hand is there first. Still making out with Brad (she can hear it if she can’t see it), he encircles her hair in his grip and rests his fist lightly on her shoulder. Dammit. She’s a soft touch for his soft touch, closing her eyes to the sensation of his knuckles brushing her skin. This stranger is ruining the nice underwear she put on tonight.

“Please, Michelle, please,” Brad breaks free of Peter’s mouth to say.

He reaches out to hold her ribs, cup her breasts, but while he and his friend might share the field on Saturdays or whenever, they don’t seem to be on the same team tonight.

“Nope,” Peter informs him. “I get her next.”

“None of that possessive shit,” she warns.

“Can I please have you next?”

“You must be a real pain for your friends,” Michelle guesses sarcastically, letting him guide her over to his lap instead of Brad’s. (Who’s probably looking sour. She doesn’t know. Her eyes are glued to Peter’s.)

“No pain, I promise. I’ll be gentle.”

She rolls her eyes and settles in, straddling him.

“Oh my—” There is no ‘god’ because he kisses her before she can finish.

That’s his second annoying offense in seconds and she’s going to let him know. Really, she is. But he’s reminding her that he never let go of her hair by lifting it and slipping his hand against the nape of her neck to caress her skin. Michelle angles her hips and grinds up and down the swell in his jeans. Peter doesn’t mess around stroking her legs and hips, he just darts both hands beneath her skirt and traces the edges of her underwear where they curve around her thighs and narrow between them. She can feel him draw the fabric aside and gasps into his mouth, anticipating his fingers, when Brad tips the both of them over.

It’s disorienting, but they twist onto their sides and her friend scoots close behind her, so she decides she doesn’t mind.

“You’re not getting out of this,” Peter speaks quietly against her mouth when she thinks he’s about to kiss her again.

Michelle finds herself smiling, almost laughing, as he flips her skirt up and elects to take her underwear off. There’s only so much he can do like this, so she takes over, kicking them to the floor. That’s annoying offense number three; those underwear are sexy and she thought she’d be showing them off some before they hit the hardwood. Weirdly, Peter’s disregard only makes her smile broaden.

“Like I was trying,” she quips.

“Are we bantering,” Brad checks, “or are we fucking?”

“Dude, I am so sorry for the people you sleep with. Banter is an important part of the process,” Peter instructs.

“Fuck you, Parker.”

“And when you do, I guess I can’t expect any banter. I’ll adjust my expectations.”

“I’ll adjust your nose with my fist,” Brad responds in a playful tone. Michelle isn’t completely sold and she wavers, sandwiched between the two of them.

“Cool,” she says, “but actually, I am here to get laid.”

Two sets of male hands collide where her thighs are pressed together. She takes a deep breath at their enthusiasm, unable to tell whose fingers are skating along the skin just above her pubic hair and whose are subtly attempting to wedge between her legs.

“After you,” Brad says smoothly.

“Thanks, man.”

Her friend’s hands retreat a short distance and Peter insinuates one of his thighs between hers to create some space.

“This ok?” he checks, sweet face even sweeter horizontal.

“Be my guest,” Michelle says, copying Brad’s formality and reaching up and back to squeeze his shoulder so he realizes. She gets a kiss on her neck in response.

Peter’s fingers run slickly through her arousal. It’s a methodical mapping, feeling as though it’s meant to arouse her rather than him, but their eyes meet and he’s wearing an expression like he’s the one being fondled, though his erection cleaves to his abdomen, twitching under his clothes as he fingers her.

“You’re teasing me,” she points out, pulse jumping at her inner thigh.

“Am I not supposed to?”

Michelle tries to rock harder against the pass of his fingers and he moves them away with a grin and a chiding, “Ah!”

“Just give her what she wants,” is Brad’s disgruntled input.

She turns to watch as he sits up and undresses from the waist down. He gives her a smile like they’re on the same side, demonstrated by him advocating for her pleasure—something Michelle’s quite comfortable doing on her own. And yet, alright, her friend’s heart is in the right place, and it is difficult to monitor and decipher the fluctuating moods and responses of two other people, and his directive is obeyed. Peter’s fingers return and push through the wetness he helped generate, touching her entrance and gliding inside her, one finger, then two. Michelle groans deep in her throat because finally.

Brad lies down at her back again and, with Peter working her up, she fumbles behind her and grabs her friend’s ass to encourage him closer. She can feel him hard and hot against her, partly touching her rumpled skirt, partly her skin. He rubs against her and reaches an arm around, greedily squeezing her hip, then sweeping down to feel for her clit.

She’s sweating between their bodies, breathing hard and shuddering involuntarily when Brad gets his fingers positioned to trap her clit and begin gradually cracking her mind like peanut brittle. Where he’s painstaking, Peter’s exultant. He increases the pace of his fingers until they’re shuttling in and out of her. Michelle grips Brad’s wrist with one hand, Peter’s neck with the other, then switches, then moves both hands, grappling for some constancy that the part of her brain currently squashed beneath her need for satisfaction knows she’s not gonna get. Her hips are writhing in their hands as a clear goal fights its way through the fog of lust: unzip Peter’s jeans. It’s tricky, with the over- and underpass of arms, but she does it and he thanks her with a sloppy kiss that only seems to land on her mouth by miracle.

“Close,” she gasps.

Behind her, Brad groans and nips at the base of her neck, making her shake. He’s humping her quickly, pushing with his hips as he pulls back with his fingers on her clit. Good thing Peter hooks his fingers firmly inside her so he doesn’t get jostled off this ride. Good thing too that his curling motion strikes her so, so right. Michelle cries out and comes, his fingers still pumping ruthlessly inside her, Brad pinching her clit, and then coming himself; she feels the jet spurt up her back, probably some on her skirt too.

Which is why she did not borrow clothes for this threesome.

Peter’s expression is impish as he tries to keep coaxing her through the pleasure, but she pushes at his chest and he finally takes his hand away.

“Oh my god,” Michelle sighs, flopping back and half onto Brad.

“Go team,” her friend pants from beneath her.

“Yeah. You guys have some kinda cheer you do at your games?”

“Sometimes we bump chests,” Peter offers, hands suddenly on her boobs.

She twists, trying to see Brad’s face without lifting up. Her temple makes contact with his chin.

“Does your friend have an off switch?”

“If he did, I’d skip that and just pull the plug,” Brad says. He wraps an arm around her and she wiggles until he relaxes the hold, forcing him to make it less territorial.

“Aww,” Peter says, managing to cup her breasts in a perfunctory way, like he’s pushing them up to prevent under-boob sweat while she cools off post-orgasm, “you guys are bantering. I knew you could do it. Also,” he adds, “I don’t know if anyone happens to be keeping track, but I’m the only one who hasn’t gotten off.”

“That sucks, man.”

With effort, Michelle sits up and glares at Brad’s unconcerned face.

“Don’t be a dick,” she says.

“Yeah, Brad,” Peter joins in.

Shaking her head, she puts her back to her friend and checks Peter’s face for her go-ahead. He nods in rapid approval, so she grips the waist of his open jeans and pulls down while he lifts his ass from her bed. Fuck, the three of them never even got under the sheet. Then again, it’s easier to be mobile above it. Plus, it’s an extra layer between her expensive mattress and the fluid drying on her spine.

Because Peter doesn’t seem like the kinda guy who cares to be undressed layer by layer, Michelle doesn’t striptease herself with taking off his clothes slowly. At some point, he kicked his shoes away, meaning it’s straightforward to yank the boxers and jeans down his legs. Her intention is to remove them completely. He doesn’t seem to have a hell of a lot of regard for her intentions.

“That’s far enough, I swear,” he says, when she has his jeans around his shins. “I’m good. Nike time. Just do it.”

“Just do what exactly?” Michelle asks indulgently. She rests a hand on his naked thigh and tries not to stare openly at his dick, red as a slap.

“Anything. Whatever you want. Brad says you’re multitalented.”

Brad rolls over lazily to glare at Peter.

“What the hell, Parker? Don’t make it sound like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like I talk about Michelle like that!”

“I get it,” she says, cutting him off. Please shut up, Peter, she thinks. “You talk to him about work. You appreciate me as a co-worker.”

“That’s definitely why I’ve heard so much about you,” Peter agrees provokingly. “Because he appreciates you as a co-worker.”

“You know what?” Brad bites out.

“What?”

Michelle rolls her eyes and opts to terminate this snippy little back and forth by grasping Peter’s cock and bending over to wrap her lips around the head. That shuts both of them up. Thank god, some fucking peace.

He emits a deep groan of approval and weaves his fingers into her hair, slightly bucking his hips. As she sinks to take him deeper, she hears another groan—hoarse with an entirely different emotion—coming from Brad. She doesn’t stop. If he has something to say, he can damn well use his words. Michelle clutches the inside of Peter’s muscular thigh and sucks as she starts to withdraw only to plunge him farther into her mouth. Peter’s hand finds hers and tangles their fingers together next to his hip, catching some of the sheet in his grip too. The gesture dizzies her heart.

While he’s seeing god, Brad’s apparently seeing red, because he taps, then tugs, at her shoulder, until she pulls off of Peter and shoots her friend an impatient look.

“What?”

“I’ll do that,” he says, nodding towards Peter’s straining, saliva-slicked erection.

“Somebody better fucking do it,” Peter says in the tragic tone of an established sufferer. They ignore him for the moment.

“You want to?” Michelle asks skeptically.

When Brad averts his eyes from hers, she realizes that, no, he doesn’t want to, he just doesn’t enjoy watching her blow Peter. She wavers, wondering if she should cancel tonight halfway through. Maybe that would be sacrificing what she wants for the self-esteem of these two men, but they’re just so goddamn annoying. They’re supposed to be friends and they’re acting like rivals. Michelle doesn’t owe loyalty to either of them, she’s nobody’s girlfriend, and yet she’s getting the feeling that she needs to pick a side. Even a novice like her can tell this isn’t the way a threesome’s meant to go. If they were worse at this, she might be able to walk away.

Abruptly, Brad kisses her, then nudges her gently aside as he drops to his elbows to pick up where she left off. Peter draws a fraying breath. Well, either these two aren’t combative enough to present her with an ultimatum, or they just want to get laid as badly as she does. If Brad bites Peter or some shit though, she’s throwing them both out and leaving the necessary medical care in their hands. Michelle will not be responsible for these men and their egos.

Peter tweaks her fingers, their hands still clasped. She leans in close to observe his heavy breathing and the way his hair’s sticking to his sweaty forehead.

“I still want you,” he whispers. The words are like static shock, like a finger tracing unexpectedly down her neck. “And you better be quick because I think Brad thinks he’ll get extra points for speed.”

He gasps, eyes rolling back, and Michelle instinctively cups his neck, running the pad of her thumb along his throat. She doesn’t glance over at Brad; hearing the frantic wet noises paints a sufficiently informative picture.

“You think you can concentrate while he’s doing that?”

“Totally.” Immediately, a desperate, guttural croak leaves Peter’s lips.

“You sure?”

“No, but I still want to put my tongue inside you and that should count for—uhhh!—something.”

“Such as?” she asks with a wry smile, straightening her legs out so she can remove her unspeakably defiled skirt.

“Hell if I know, my concentration was pretty shitty to begin with.”

“Center yourself,” Michelle says in the calm, instructive tone of a yoga tutorial as she levers herself over his chest and rests her ass lightly on the hard planes of his pecs.

“Brad,” Peter begs, “cut me some slack for one fucking minute, dude.”

“One minute, huh?” she teases.

“Are you doubting me?”

“Peter Parker, I don’t even know you.”

But, somehow, she’s beaming down at him as her hair falls around her shoulders. For an instant, he looks completely focused on her and not the sound of Brad switching from giving him head to pumping him in a fist (his version of slack-cutting, evidently). Peter eyes her from her face down to where her legs are spread above his body. Then back to her face.

“I’d like for you to.”

Her teasing expression softens. She parts her lips to respond and he wrenches her forward, onto a mouth that opens at once. He licks up into her, then keep his tongue tensed and prods her clit back and forth. Michelle curls into herself, thighs suddenly snug against the sides of his head, fingers locked in his hair.

This is, perhaps, the single event within the larger experience that sells her on threesomes. Peter’s mouth feels incredible on its own (like he’s fusing the peanut brittle shards of her mind back together again and going too far, melting them into goo), but the intermittent moaning that leaves it due to Brad’s contribution down below means Michelle’s riding something that licks, sucks, and vibrates. She’s a mess. Tilted forward, she’s nearly crying out to plant her hands on the bed and just grind across Peter’s tongue, but the hand not hold hers has her hip in a formidable hold and she can’t reach far enough to be comfortable. Each time she thinks to force her eyes open and check his face to make sure he’s enjoying this as much as she is (and still breathing), Peter’s eyelids are flickering as he absorbs the combined pleasure of taking from Brad and giving to Michelle. She’s shaking and trying not to get too rough with him, smoothing a hand over the hair she’s been practically pulling out at the roots. Peter counters with a quick smack to her ass before seizing her hip again. Fine, she won’t be nice.

Michelle shifts and rolls her clit against the tip of his nose. It positions her entrance above his wide-open mouth and he slides his tongue thickly back inside her. The sound of him tongue-fucking her is graphic. He loses his rhythm and gets even more aggressive with his mouth—she figures he’s close to release. Peter groans and arches his neck and chin up when he finishes, so she lifts swiftly away, hating to do it, aching and slippery.

She throws herself off of him, collapsing back onto her elbows with her thighs quivering. Dazedly, she observes Brad hurrying from the room with his lips clamped together (not a swallower then—the things she’s learning about her friend tonight). Peter’s lying there, spent. With her emotions high, their tableau causes her to despair. It’s over. It’s all over. One of them’s too wiped to carry on, the other’s just finished giving oral and won’t want to return just to bring her to orgasm. Michelle lets her head hang back and swipes two fingers over her clit, catching it and adding pressure on the upstroke.

Peter rolls over like he’s risen from the dead.

“You don’t—” she begins, but then he’s there, between her quaking knees, suctioning his mouth to her and using his tongue to fiddle around with her clit. His arms are limp and heavy as they hold her thighs down and open. Any energy he has is converted into strokes and twirls, from there into her overwhelmed sobs. Brad walks back in to Michelle yelling, “Peter, fuck!” as she climaxes with her head thrown back and his pressed insistently into her groin by her stiff hand. When Brad comes to sit on the bed, Peter’s leg kicks out and catches him right in the stomach. The kick drives him off the mattress and onto the floor with a thud.

Michelle scrambles away from Peter, to the edge of the bed, as Brad stands and starts putting his clothes on, his back to her.

“Are you going?”

She sees Brad’s shoulders rise and fall as he sighs, but he doesn’t answer her. Once he’s dressed from the waist down, he lifts his shirt from the floor with a swish and slips his arms in as he walks back out of the room. Uh oh. Michelle glances to Peter who appears maddeningly unsurprised. She yanks at the bedsheet until he moves off of it, but touches her wrist as she wraps it hastily around herself to chase after their friend.

“I’m sorry if I wrecked this for you,” he says.

“No.” She shakes her head. “He wanted tonight to be something it was never going to be and I thought, when he invited you, that he could handle it, but… I gotta go talk to him.”

“I think I’m already lucky he didn’t jump up and break my nose, so I better stay here.”

“Alright.”

Michelle almost stumbles trying to keep the end of the sheet off the floor, but she gets to Brad while he’s still buttoning his shirt, patting his pockets to check for wallet, phone, keys, maybe the little Swiss Army knife he carries because it always comes in handy eventually.

“Brad,” she says, cautious in cotton and bare feet.

He cuts a look at her with his dark eyes.

“Better not,” he suggests.

“You’re really leaving?”

“Do you need me to stay?”

She hesitates, leaning away from him slightly at the question.

“Well, it was supposed to be—”

“No,” he interrupts. “Do you need me to stay?”

His eyebrow twitches with everything he’s suppressing: hurt, hope, jealousy. Brad’s smart, he knows the answer, but he still ventures forward with grave determination, the way he’d lead a group of their colleagues down a forest deer path that may or may not be crossed with poison ivy. But Michelle is not something for him to sweep clear and overcome.

“We can only be friends, Brad,” she tells him, straight and honest. “That doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy doing this with you…”

He grins ironically, giving her a glimpse of his bright, perfect teeth.

“Please. You two were shutting me out before Parker booted me in the stomach.”

She doesn’t really have a defense for that. They might have touched Brad, grabbed him, licked and kissed him, but none of that compared to how she felt whenever Peter took her hand. She’s actually a little scared to walk back into her bedroom and face that.

“He didn’t mean to,” Michelle asserts awkwardly. Brad lifts his eyebrows. “Probably,” she qualifies. He nods tiredly.

“If he tells you I was a dick to him after our next game…”

“What makes you think I’ll still be in contact with him then?” Brad gives her a look and she frowns, chastened. “I’ll believe him,” she says instead, “and I won’t blame you.”

“This sucks,” he admits, smiling tightly at the floor.

“Can I get you a glass of water for the road? Transit fare?”

“I’d actually rather get out of here and begin the process of trying to forget what Peter’s dick looks like close up as soon as possible.”

She says nothing to champion the dick in question. That would be cruel.

“This was… something I hope we can laugh about someday,” Brad says, and quickly kisses her cheek.

“I’ll—” they say together.

“—text you tomorrow.”

“—see you on Monday,” Michelle says. “Oh. Uh…”

“Space,” he says, understanding.

“Probably good for right now.”

“Yeah.”

When he leaves, she locks the door and bangs her forehead against it. Fuck. She’s going to have to get a new job, isn’t she? Walking in to spot his heartbroken face every day is more than she wants to deal with. Their initiative has a bigger office downtown, not the outpost-like space they work out of. She can apply there. Probably should’ve ages ago, when she started outgrowing the place she’s at. She’ll miss traipsing around outside the city, having to check her legs for ticks, her hair for spiders, and her arms for dead-branch-inflicted scratches deep enough to require infection-preventative measures, but she can buy some fucking plants. Start a garden in her windowsill. Hike on the weekends. Regain some of that thankless grant application time by devoting it to projects more clout will actually allow her to push forward. Be the chooser instead of the beggar.

Michelle laughs at herself, faintly tipsy and two orgasms deep, standing alone in her entryway in a poor man’s frat party toga.

She gets herself the glass of water she offered Brad. She pees with her goddamn adult white sheet scrunched up in her lap like a bride’s dress on her wedding day. She strides back to the bedroom and drops the sheet at the door.

“Hello,” Peter says, perking up.

“Hello yourself.” The man is stark naked and unashamed. “You’ve been, what, chilling?”

“I also eavesdropped.”

“You’re a loser.”

“I’m the loser you haven’t kicked out of your apartment,” he points out. His gaze slips naturally to her chest as she climbs onto the bed on her knees and takes a seat beside his prone body.

“Why is that?”

She asks rhetorically, but Peter either doesn’t pick up on that or ignores it. She kinda likes that about him. Where Brad tries so hard with her, Peter leaves her room to try a little too.

“You like me.”

“Unfortunately, that is possible.”

“Unfortunately? Give me back those orgasms I gave you then,” he demands.

“Orgasm,” Michelle corrects, emphasizing the singular. “The first one was assisted. You can’t take full credit.”

“Bullshit.”

She shakes her head but Peter grabs the back of her knee, pulling her forward, stretching her out, until she’s on her back, laughing, and he’s hovering over her, inches from a kiss that she really, really wants to receive. Strange.

“Is not,” she tells him flatly.

“Then I’m earning that plural.”

“Oh yeah?”

Instead of kissing her or lowering himself down onto her or otherwise touching her in any way at all, Peter leaves. Michelle sits up and looks after him, baffled.

“Where are your washcloths?” he shouts from the bathroom 30 seconds later. A laugh bursts out of her.

“Tall cabinet next to the shower!”

She listens to him running water in the sink. Laughs again when he returns at a run.

“Flip over!” Peter says wildly.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Come on, while it’s still hot. It’ll feel nicer.”

Michelle rolls her eyes and maneuvers onto her stomach. He washes her back with the warm cloth. He washes her back. She folds her arms under her head and pillows her cheek on them, candidly observing him. In a practical sense, Peter’s wiping away what Brad left behind, and buying himself time to get hard again, she’s certain. But it doesn’t all feel like practicality. Not when every pass of the cloth is so careful, or when Peter makes another sprinted trip to the bathroom to heat it up for her, or when he’s lying down alongside her by the end, beginning to lightly kiss her clean skin.

“I don’t understand you,” she hears herself confess.

“I’m an enigma,” he agrees. Michelle snorts.

“I do like you though.”

“Called it.”

He chucks the damp, cooling washcloth over the side of her bed and she glares at him.

“This room has wood floors. Which I pay for. As a feature of this apartment.”

“It’s not on the floor, it’s on my jeans.”

“So, it’s soaking into your jeans right now? That’s convenient for you.”

“Is it?” Peter asks vaguely. His hand is rubbing back and forth very low on her back.

“I’m assuming you’re not planning to get back into wet jeans tonight and make your way home.”

“I would if you asked me to,” he swears, giving her puppy-dog eyes.

“Are you forcing me to say this out loud?”

A winning smile. She sighs in exasperation and turns onto her side, propping her head up with her hand.

“Peter, would you like to stay over?”

“Do you want that?”

“You’re a pain,” she says for the second time. Peter continues smiling, waiting. Michelle takes a deep breath and keeps her eyes on his, not letting her gaze drift around the apartment that is nice but lonely, tranquil but lifeless. It has life with this surprising person in it. “I want that.”

He shuffles close to her with a grin.

“I want that,” he says, brushing his lips across hers.

“Mmm,” Michelle agrees. Her eyelids fall. She parts her lips for his tongue. His hand fits into the curve of her waist and slips over to touch her back. His thickening erection nudges her mons, then her abdomen as he swells against her. Her moan skips and drags and Peter clutches at her more purposefully, tipping her onto her back.

“Condom,” she remembers, and points him to the box tucked out of sight. Discrete for the fact that she bought it for use in a threesome with a work friend and a total stranger.

Peter holds up her copy of Frankenstein, resting beneath the box.

“You a fan?” he asks, returning it to its place and tearing open the wrapper on the condom.

“I’ve read it twice, but I think I prefer Dracula.”

“Aw, I’m a wolfman guy,” Peter offers. He puts the condom on like it’s a sock or a baseball cap; there’s definite familiarity there. And Michelle doesn’t care. “Dracula and Frankenstein’s monster are creepy, sure, but the wolfman is two different people: the regular guy and then this creature in the shadows during the full moon. I don’t know, I think there’s something really cool about that. You ever watch the old Lon Chaney movies?”

Ok, she more than likes him. She likes him quite a lot. Smiling, Michelle shakes her head.

“Well,” he says, but he stops talking then. There’s a depth to the look in his eyes as he gazes at her. She lets him in and stands as horizontal witness to his existence in blinks and breaths and the pound of his heart she can almost feel from here.

“Why don’t you get the light?”

Click.

In the dark, it’s less of a performance, not that Peter doesn’t clearly intend to perform. Michelle’s eyes rest without the light and she breathes deeply as Peter comes over her and kisses her neck. Her eyes are still adjusting while he takes a meandering route down her chest, pressing his mouth harder against her breasts. He licks across her nipple; she scratches her nails up the back of his neck and into his hair. When she lets out the smallest huffing sound of enjoyment, he cups his hand between her thighs, skates a finger along her entrance. As if she wouldn’t be wet. As if the foreplay didn’t start the minute he walked back in with that warm cloth and draped it across her back.

“Any specific requests?” he asks, lifting his head from her chest. She can see his face now. Enough light gets in around the edges of her blinds. She runs her fingers through his loosely curling hair, then arches her body up against his.

“Don’t be gentle.”

Michelle feels the eager tremor of his hand against her inner thigh as he lines himself up and eases inside her. His breathing catches. She tilts her hips and raises her knees from the bed, urging him in, farther, all the way. Peter withdraws and she’s assuming he’ll build up to what she asked for, but he slams back in. Though she clenches her teeth around the sensation of him filling her so hard and so well, a whine escapes.

“You’ve been waiting for this,” she acknowledges, accuses, admires.

He pauses, hands planted to either side of her on the bed.

“Like I said, I’ve heard a lot about you. I’ve been waiting for this since I convinced Brad to tell me your name.”

She wants to think and hide and hold him close, but she can reflect later. He seems to agree. Peter’s thrusts are rough and rhythmic. Pounding into her like a machine one minute, he’ll be playfully grabbing her wrists and licking her neck the next. When she tightens her legs around him, he lets her change their positions, only to haul her beneath him again—on her stomach this time—as he rocks in and out and wedges his hand under her to rub her clit. They chase each other across her mattress and Michelle comes clawing at her pillow, invigorated by the certainty that this is the best time she’s ever had in bed. Peter bites her earlobe as he snatches one of her scrabbling hands and spills into the condom.

He doesn’t help her remake her bed with clean sheets because he claims to be “bad at it.” She’s debating the potential truth of that when he returns with a bowl of popcorn after leaving her alone to do it herself, joins in, and somehow puts a lavender pillowcase on inside out. Michelle sets it right with a laugh and they get back in bed together, popcorn and her laptop playing Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man between them.

She slips away to shower after Peter falls asleep with his head on her lap. When she gets back, she quietly removes the bowl and the laptop. The bed’s a king—she’s used to her space and she doesn’t need to sleep close to him—but Michelle squirms into the warmth his body radiates. He stirs enough to breathe in the scent of her hair, kiss her forehead, and thrust his hand into hers. Confused by the gesture, she frowns at his face, with its softly closed eyes.

“By the way,” Peter mumbles, shaking her hand, “nice to meet you.”

Michelle smiles and pats his arm as he drops it over her, instinctively pulling her close.

[marvellouslymadmim]

Hey! Aspiring fanfic writer here; I was wondering if you could talk a bit about your writing/editing process and how long it all takes.

Thanks!

Welp, roughly the same extremely long amount of time it takes to actually answer an ask, tbh 🙃

So...I only know how my brain works, and I can only tell you what works for me might not work for you, and that's OK. I'm breaking into two separate bits, because I almost never do writing and editing at the same time.

And as far as a timeline, honestly it just depends. On life factors, what my hormones are doing at the time (jfc like the week before my period, I have zero creativity, motivation, or attention span), if I'm having trouble with a particular scene, if I'm getting consistent positive feedback (yes, I can totally admit that I write faster when I know a particular reviewer is following along with every update), etc.

WRITING:

First, you gotta just...be fixated, I guess. Particularly if it's an AU, I sit with it for a long time before I ever write a word. I go over scenes, think about how the world changes, what stays the same, what *has* to stay the same to keep the characters true to their canon personalities. I sit with the characters for a long time, too--not just the main characters, but the supporting cast, too. In order to predict someone's future, you have to know their past. Most of our present actions are actually reactions to past events, when you think about it. The better you know your version of the character, the easier every other aspect of writing will be. I don't know how it is for other people, but I don't ever "feel" like I'm writing. I feel like I'm "witnessing", and the characters are simply doing whatever they wish. (***this is gonna be a thing during the editing process, too, so hang on to that)

Then once I have a general idea, I choose a title. Generally, I do not even start a word document until I have a proper title to put on it. The title is part of the theme and aesthetic to me, and it grounds me in the overall arc.

Once that's done, it's time for outlining. I generally wait until I feel this weird almost tingling in my left arm (weirder still bc I'm right handed) and I'm practically vibrating with a need to WRITE THIS STORY NOW. Then I put on some Bear McCreary (honestly, any videogame soundtrack will do, as they are literally designed to help you maintain focus and keep pace) and fucking go to town. For me, it helps to do this with pen and paper, so that I can go back up and squiggle little notes in the margin, rearrange the order, etc, far faster than I could on a computer.

Important note: the outline is not the end-all be-all. Some things don't make it to the final print. Some minor storylines get tossed or characters simply...take a different path than I expect. I will continue re-writing and updating the outline as I go along. On average, I usually have 5-8 outlines per story, and they're often 3-10 pages long. I also have a posted outline, which is a log of all the scenes that did make it to the final product. 

Then, it's the actual writing, at long last. I have found that I write best at the start of my day, before the noise and static of daily life comes in. So I wake up around 5am and spend 90minutes writing before beginning my workday routine. I have the Word app on my phone and may continue adding bits in throughout the day at work, if I get a moment. However, after 5pm my brain is usually fried and no more creativity happens. On weekends, I try to have one morning where I "sleep in" til 6am, and then write until at least 10am, sometimes 2pm, if I can get away with it.

The hardest part still is knowing when to transition and when to skip to the next chapter/scene/whatever. This is like...zero percent helpful, but I liken it to Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart's definition of pornography: "I know it when I see it." It may seem like a scene is circling, and sometimes it means you gotta leave the room a bit earlier bc the scene has already served its purpose. Other times, it means ya gotta stay with it a bit longer, because there's something the character is trying to say. Give them patience, and give yourself patience, too. Explore the scene and its dynamics. You won't know til you know and even then, sometimes you won't be entirely sure. That's ok, too. Part of the process. Remember editing will happen and you can decide then (hell, you can literally re-edit after it's been published, I've done that before too and added a note on the next chapter for any readers who might have read the first version 🤷🏻‍♀️ not ideal but still functional).

EDITING:

I do simple edits (spelling, grammar, etc) just about every morning as I reread what I wrote the day before, which is a refresher course for the day's writing session. But big "real" editing generally doesn't happen until right before posting.

Now, here's the ***issue from writing: sometimes, something just "doesn't work" in a scene. Again, you'll know it when you see it. The words a character is saying feels clunky. The pacing feels off. Something just...ain't right. More often than not, it means either I haven't truly sat with a character long enough to know their true motivations/backstory, or I am not giving characters the proper time/space/impediment to make the actions or say the things they're currently making/saying. I'm trying to force the flow, rather than letting it ebb and breathe when it needs to.

Absolute ProTip: You spent HOURS writing this scene. It's got some REALLY GOOD moments and lines in it. It doesn't work but you can't just delete it. It's your LIFE. I struggle with this A LOT, and I have found a solution: create a second "outtakes" document to cut and paste those scenes into. Sometimes I still keep moments or bits of dialog. Sometimes I later use bits in a later scene. Sometimes I never look at it again but I still feel secure in knowing that if I wanted to go back and use the original scene instead, I totally can. I don't think I've actually ever gone back to the original, tbh, but it reduced my anxiety about deleting the scene and starting over.

So back to the scene that doesn't work. I take it apart, figure out *at what exact point* it stops working, then work back up a few lines to see where the shift actually begins. More often than not, it's because I'm having characters express their feelings in ways they actually wouldn't. (people very very very rarely actually say what they're thinking/feeling, and you have to relay it in other ways). So I have to keep the internal monologue of what they're actually feeling/thinking, while figuring out how that actually translates via tone, body language, and what they do and don't say.

The "something ain't working stage" can take LITERAL WEEKS. I sometimes have to walk away for awhile, or tackle it only on days when I know I have hours upon hours to truly work on it. I keep circling back around, and eventually, the knot works itself out. Persistence, and insistence that "good enough" isn't actually good enough, are key. (this is why you have to fixated on the story you want to tell--because some days, it's going to take every ounce of that obsession to keep you going and keep you on the track of telling the story you wanted to tell, rather than settling or switching to an easier tack)

Sometimes, editing is a breeze. I don't change much, I may go a little more into the character's inner world here or there. Once you've been doing this for awhile, you'll just know when a story hits all its marks--and you'll also know when it's not, when it could be more or do more, and you can figure out how to get it there. There isn't a precise formula for it, it's more like cooking without an actual recipe to follow--a dash here, a bit there, you'll know it when you taste it.

And I'll leave you with this unsolicited bit: just write. Write often, write about everything, write what makes YOU passionate and happy, and absolutely write for yourself. Edit the fuck out of it, if you need to. Get a beta reader, if you need to. Get someone to just bounce ideas off, if you need to. And don't post it until you're truly ready and it's something you genuinely want to share. If someone gives constructive criticism, take in on the chin and move on (keep the notes, if you think they're valid, and toss em if you don't--you'll never be everyone's style of writer, so know that sometimes, people just won't be the target audience). Know that you'll grow and you'll learn and you'll find your own voice and like any skill, you'll develop a second nature about it--all those parts where I say "you'll know it when you see it" or "you'll feel it" absolutely come from spending a literal lifetime (28 years) writing stories, and thirteen years of writing fanfic in particular. It's ok if you don't see it or feel it right away. It takes practice. And you will have an audience at every skill level, no matter what (finding that audience? different story altogether...).

All totaled, this process can take anywhere from 3months to over a year. Stories are like children, I've found: they each develop at their own pace, and some may need more time and assistance than others. But they're still pretty wonderful. (except the bratty stories. they're the worst 🙄)

[lilsunshiny]

Thoughts on The Last Of Us Part II

WRITING (creative process)

the game’s storyline is straight to the point, you can see from the trailer that it’s going to be a timeline about revenge. the whole game happens around joel’s death in the beginning and I guess that’s the whole reason why people are upset. but guess what? neil druckmann’s goal was to make you upset, angry and nostalgic. he accomplished his goal and that’s why you’re feeling the way you are.

you not liking the the way things went down does not mean the game’s writing is awful, it just means you were expecting something and got another. not liking something isn’t a crime and it’s totally ok as long as you respect the creators and don’t use your hate to put others down, it’s a valid opinion and that’s it.

what makes a story good is the writing and the thought put into it to make the player/reader/viewer feel a certain way, and the developers did an incredible job to do that. we feel frustrated, anxious and weird the entire gameplay and that’s exactly what they wanted from us, which means they won. I’ll talk more about my opinion on the storyline far ahead.

the graphic visuals of this game are RIDICULOUS, they’re perfect. every detail is insane to look at, they worked so hard to get it right and it was so worth it. every time I entered a new scenario I would just go into photo mode and appreciate the art because that’s what makes the game unforgettable and groundbreaking. the red lighting scenes were so perfectly made and so badass, the sky when ellie goes outside the farm with JJ is breathtaking just like every other view in the game. by far the most beautiful game I’ve ever had the honor to play.

STORYLINE (joel’s death)

the first game gave us a story about love and hope, making us guide joel into taking ellie to the fireflies looking for a cure based on ellie’s immunity. we spend the whole game thinking we’d get to the fireflies, make a cure and live happily ever after but that never happened in those terms. the gameplay made us slowly fall in love with joel and ellie as characters, joel for his tough personality that would fade under the influence of a little girl and ellie for her nativity and innocence as a young teenager who really wants to help other people by making a cure. that’s the whole situation of it, joel getting attached to ellie while she developed a paternal affection for him but in the end joel ends up doing an unforgivable thing, basically destroying the hope for a cure and ruining all hope for the world to heal from the outbreak, so he decides to lie to ellie blaming the fireflies for everything so he doesn’t lose her trust and love.

I do understand liking and loving joel as a character, myself included, because they made the game thinking about it and they knew the audience would develop a major caring for him and ellie as daughter and father, that’s how it was supposed to go and it worked it.

now let’s talk about joel’s death. I think we were all surprised to watch him die so early in the game but considering the game time and storyline, it would have never happened differently. his death was brutal, violent, merciless and inhuman, abby and her crew tortured him until he couldn’t take it anymore and he obviously suffered with ellie being held to the ground begging them to stop. I agree that it was a horrible death but we can’t just pretend joel was a sweet innocent hero because he wasn’t, the audience portrays him as a hero when he literally stopped the human race from being saved, killing the fireflies and acting out of pure selfishness. joel isn’t the angel some people paint him as, he’s not a good person and if ellie herself could never forgive him for what he did, who are we to do so? she said she would try but she never got the chance to and it took her years to even come to terms with it.

most importantly, it’s obvious that people forget these characters are human beings, not real people but they’re real in that universe and technically speaking, they run and feel the same way we would feel if we were in their shoes. they’re people, every character in the game is a person, with feelings, a background, a past, a personality and thoughts. they’re no different than us except for them living in a post apocalyptic world were morality and ethics aren’t taken into consideration since there is no law or living lifestyle.

for us to understand this storyline, we need to step away from our society’s view of morality and wrong or right, because that does not apply to them, everyone in the game has killed people and/or have done something morally questionable in their life since it’s the apocalypse and there is no wrong or right, there’s only how the characters feel about certain situations and how they act on them, which is basically what guides the entire game to happening the way it did: human feelings.

joel obviously changed after the first game, since he starts living in jackson and having to raise ellie as a daughter in a relatively normal town with other people, he’s not the same person as he was in part I, now he turned into a father and a friend, not a merciless mercenary who doesn’t care about others. we see that when he and tommy decide to help abby, a complete stranger who was about to die in the hands of infected, and maybe that’s what led people into hating abby with their heart. but ending this topic, joel’s death was bound to happen, you can’t just expect someone to destroy the world’s hope for a cure and leave with no people being angry at him and wanting revenge, that cure could’ve saved many people’s loved ones but he chose to save his loved one. if joel is indeed a terrible person or not, that’s up to you to decide, that’s more of an internal turmoil within yourself that is different for everyone depending on their experience from part I and how they view joel in the end. it’s kind of messed up if you think about it, would you let the only person you care about die for a not confirmed chance of a cure in a world that is already doomed? that’s a question for yourself.

joel’s death happened so you could see things from multiple perspectives, which is the whole fucking point of the game. there are multiple sides to every story, it’s the same world we live in except in different circumstances. your actions affect others, people have feelings and if you hurt them they might act a certain way, those characters are no different than us because they were based on genuine human thoughts and actions.

ELLIE (growth and development)

ellie is one of the most well written characters I’ve ever seen in my life. she’s the symbol of badass but fragile woman and that’s so amazing to me. as the game goes by we start seeing many sides of ellie, she slowly starts to turn into a completely different person after joel’s death and her urge for revenge. killing abby becomes her main priority the second she leaves jackson and that’s clear in the way she acts and treats others. I’ll have to play the game again to pay more attention to ellie and abby’s behavior throughout the timeline. ellie is the reflection of how the excessive amount of effort you put into a negative thought, the more it will bring you and your loved ones down. watching ellie during the story is such a nice experience, there are times where you love her to death, others you get annoyed with her or don’t agree with how she acts, and that’s exactly how the creators wanted you to feel. revenge takes ellie’s soul from the inside out, from her not being able to forgive herself for letting joel die to her going after abby for nothing but hate for herself in the end.

ellie’s journey is exciting to play and to witness as her relationship with other people (specially dina) starts to fade away and being consumed by hate and regret. we were manipulated into loving ellie since part I and I don’t think she’s a bad person, she lost everything in the hands of other people and went through a lot, losing joel was a deal breaker for her but she just didn’t realize soon enough that killing abby wasn’t going to make things better. ellie’s gameplay was meant to make you reflect on losing a loved one, grief, mourning and revenge, she’s not the lost kid from part I anymore, she’s a grown woman who just lost her dad and she doesn’t even know exactly why. the funny thing for me, which is what makes the story realistic, is that ellie didn’t fully forgive joel yet she still suffered from losing him and went after abby for revenge, when not even herself could forgive him, that’s pretty realistic in my opinion. it’s the human uncontrollable instinct of still missing someone you’re mad at and not being able to say goodbye.

for me, ellie is the perfect and most detailed reflection of revenge and what it can do to you. the game is much more than “revenge is bad don’t do it”, we all obviously know it’s bad but we still have an urge to fight back against it and make the person who hurt us suffer too because it’s not fair for us and it wasn’t fair for ellie until the very last moment.

ABBY (point of view and perspective)

by far the most controversial character of the game. I’ll star off saying I actually like abby and I think the people who hate her so deeply just didn’t understand how things go. hating abby is no different than hating ellie, they’re in the same situation for almost the entire game. abby lost her father in joel’s hands, she was still a teenager and seeing her own dad die for trying to save humanity isn’t easy, just like ellie watching joel being tortured and killed wasn’t easy. being fully honest ellie would’ve done the same thing abby did if joel was the doctor and we can’t deny that.

on the other hand, I do think the ellie and abby gameplays could’ve been distributed better, maybe switching from ellie to abby and back and forth so it wouldn’t get too tiring or confusing since we don’t know the exact timeline when we first play it. that’s the only slightly negative thing I have to say about the game.

I do think abby is a great character, they built her perfectly to make the audience hate her in the begging, painting her as a sadistic monster only to show her side of the story later on in the game and make you realize that you have been wrong all this time, making you see the bigger picture and understand that ellie isn’t the only person in the world, she isn’t loved by everyone, she’s just a girl in the world and so is abby. they both have fucked up pasts and they both lost a lot, and in terms of personality, they’re actually quite similar. we love ellie because we got to see her grow up and WE know that deep down she’s not a bad person, the first impression we had of abby was of her recklessly killing joel with a golf club when ellie was begging her to stop, since that we tend to think abby is a horrible person and that ellie is an angel, but it’s not like that at all. obviously ellie didn’t do anything wrong up to that moment to justify that happening to her, but ellie isn’t the best person in the world either.

the duality in this game was created on purpose and with a deeper meaning, ellie is ellie, abby is abby and the cycle of revenge goes on until both parts understand that it’s useless to keep going. abby let go before ellie could and let her and dina live because of lev, killing joel didn’t change abby to the better, lev changed her. tommy couldn’t change ellie, jesse couldn’t change ellie and not even dina could do it, ellie had to change and forgive herself alone. the point I’m trying to make is that abby is no better than ellie and ellie is no better than abby, they’re both emotionally drained women who are not wrong or right in the end of things.

DINA (support and reflection)

dina is the only character I will 100% defend because she’s flawless and did absolutely nothing wrong during the whole game. in my head she represents ellie’s good side, dina is the constant reminder that ellie hasn’t lost her humanity and hasn’t completely changed into someone else because of revenge, even when she has her downs (example: calling her a burden when dina says she’s pregnant). dina is the most forgiving and loyal character, she loves ellie more than anything and it shows. the sad part of it is that even with dina’s huge amount of love and affection, that doesn’t stop ellie from going in the wrong direction, which brings us to another life lesson: loving someone is a choice you make everyday and nobody can control your choices when you’re determined to do something.

ellie decided to go after abby, dina followed and supported her the whole way through, then she took that for granted and left dina and JJ behind to go after abby again (after abby let her and dina live) officially breaking dina’s heart. that was a choice, dina obviously cared so much about ellie, loved her so much but she couldn’t change ellie’s mind. but the point here is that dina is a reflection of ellie’s bright side, she keeps ellie sane until the very last moment, saving her life multiple times, going with her in a revenge journey, “you go, I go, end of story”, telling the wolves to fuck off and staying by ellie’s side, constantly putting her life at risk while being pregnant, she has loves ellie for such a long time even before getting with jesse (you can read ellie’s journal where she says cat told her dina is jealous of their relationship) and she probably took ellie back when she came back from santa barbara (a theory that I believe in because it makes sense).

dina is one of the few positive ends in the universe of the last of us, highly optimistic, funny, beautiful and an amazing support system for ellie. if it weren’t for dina, ellie would’ve become a monster.

LGBTQ+ REPRESENTATION (ellie x dina and lev)

it’s 2020 and people are still talking shit about the game just because of queer characters. that’s why I say people who hate the game are people who either didn’t capture the story or just didn’t even try to pay attention because of a closed mindset bigot sandwiches. representation is the best path to general acceptance, making people see different stories and realize that someone’s gender or sexuality does not influence on the quality of art.

ellie is a lesbian, that’s clear in the game when she says she’s “not into jessie’s type” (such a nice dialogue by the way), she talks about her ex girlfriend and clearly has had a crush on dina for the longest time (probably the reason why she broke up with cat).

dina is bisexual, in my opinion she always had a crush on ellie but maybe she lost motivation to to after her when she started to get close to cat and started talking to jessie because of that and it ended up working.

now dina and ellie’s relationship is probably the only thing that keeps us sane throughout the game, when we sit down to think “thank god ellie has dina, that means she’s not alone”, which is basically the whole concept of it, ellie not being alone because dina is there to hold her to the ground and stop her from becoming someone she doesn’t want to be.

lev being trans is something I can‘t have an opinion on, I have seen both sides: people saying it was a good approach and others saying it wasn’t an accurate representation. I’m not trans so my opinion isn’t valid and I can definitely see why many people think it was a bad reach but I also can see the other side, so I won’t comment on that.

the nice thing about representation in this game is that they brought it up as a normal thing, the only moment the focus is sexuality is when seth was being a dick and called dina the d-word, ellie got defensive but dina stopped her from getting into a fight. even then the main focus of that situation was how ellie dealt with joel saying she didn’t need his help. the point was never ellie’s sexuality, never, not even in a single moment, because it was never an issue. in a post apocalyptic society people don’t pay much attention to being homophobes (unless they’re in a fanatic religious cult or just assholes like seth).

the game approached the subject very bluntly but in a normal way, not making it that huge of a deal but it is a big deal for those who seek comfort and/or are dealing with their sexuality in a way. if a character they admire ends up being part of a minority group, they can relate to that and feel more comfortable in their own skin. we’re here, we’re real and we exist even in a fucked up infected world.

ENDING + THOUGHTS (moving on)

the last of us part II is a story about revenge, being completely different than part I which is a story about love and surviving. what happens in the second game are the consequences of the first, the choices joel made reflected upon himself, saving ellie costed everything; the cure, people’s lives and maybe a brighter future. people who are bashing the game for it’s storyline and how things went down need to understand that it’s not because we love joel that his actions didn’t matter to others. joel is a human being, so is abby and those who got harmed by joel’s choice to save ellie. joel killed abby’s dad, abby went after him for revenge, a predictable and reasonable thing to do if you just try to see it from her point of view, keep in mind that ellie would do the same exact thing.

if you can’t get yourself to see things from other people’s point of view, you missed the whole point of the game. the storyline isn’t summed up in “revenge is bad don’t do it kids”, it’s just based on the fact that death can never and will never bring you any sort of relief.

the game is the reflection of the cycle of revenge. abby going after joel for killing her dad, ellie going after abby and killing all of her friends in the process, abby finally breaks the cycle letting ellie and dina live but ellie couldn’t get over the guilt and went after abby again, yet she ended up letting her ago and officially breaking the chain for good.

the whole concept of the game is how seeking someone else’s suffering can lead to full destruction of someone’s character and values.

if ellie had killed abby she would’ve turned into the monster she was fighting against and she would lose literally everything she hadn’t already lost: her humanity. I don’t actually know the exact reason that compelled ellie to let abby go, maybe it was losing her fingers and realizing that she’ll never be able to play guitar again, which was her very last memory of joel and what he taught her. it could also be thinking of lev and how he’s the only thing abby has and vice versa, which is what she had with joel and what was taken from her, therefore she didn’t want to turn into the person who put someone through the same pain she was going through. technically if she killed abby she would have to kill lev to avoid him coming after her and continuing the cycle and doing that would kill ellie even more.

to make this shorter, abby moved on earlier than ellie. mostly because abby actually got her revenge killing joel but you gotta look through things before you put all the blame on her. ellie lost everyone in her life, her parents, riley, tess, sam and then joel, going after abby was a defense mechanism since she couldn’t have done anything to save those she lost before, but losing the one who took care and raised her was something she couldn’t bare, specially when she thought joel was the only person she had even though they weren’t in good terms and she and dina weren’t a thing yet.

ellie needed to revenge joel at all costs because that’s what she thought he would want, but in the end she realizes he would want her to move on and be happy, because that’s what he always tried to give her: the best shot in life that he couldn’t give sarah. ellie thought that by killing abby she would be able to let go, when in reality she would just feel more guilty for leaving lev alone like she was having no emotional relief concerning her PTSD. ellie got to that beach fully aware that killing abby wasn’t going to solve any of her problems, but a single memory of joel made her make the decision that she wasn’t going to let her go without a fight. their final fight was silent, in the middle of nowhere, they had absolutely nothing to say to each other because they were both fighting for nothing but excessive mental emptiness. they both knew that nothing would bring their loved ones back and they were ready to move on.

what the game wants to teach you is that nothing good comes from searching revenge and other’s suffering. ellie gets consumed by her own view of justice and ends up losing herself both inside and outside, when she comes to terms with the fact that killing abby won’t bring joel back from the dead, it’s already too late. she lost jessie, her friendship with tommy, her good memories with joel, her fingers which results in her not being able to play guitar anymore, the love of her life and her son.

in the last of us part one ellie says that her biggest fear is to end up alone, and the saddest part of all is that her actions led her to making that fear come true. the ending is ambiguous, it can mean something different to different people depending on what you choose to interpret things and how you view the characters. for some, ellie could just end up alone looking for a life purpose that doesn’t involve anyone from her past. to others, ellie returned to jackson and proved dina that she loved her and that now she’s ready to fully commit because she let go of her anger and is at peace with herself and her inner struggles. but that’s all up to you to decide what you want to believe in.

at the end of the day, this storyline is beautiful, heartbreaking, breathtaking and emotionally draining. it makes you think and open your mind to new perspectives, which is honestly one of the best things art is able to do, create a new universe for you to deep your thoughts in and take your own conclusions. the last of us didn’t have a bad or good ending, it had a realistic ending. just because they didn’t make this the way you wanted it doesn’t mean the writing is bad, it means you’re probably disappointed and that’s fine, but hating on it isn’t the way to make a point.

I can only thank everyone involved for creating this world and making me so invested in it, connecting me with these amazing characters and emotions that I never experienced playing a game before. there is nothing more to say except: endure and survive.

[ameliasnormandy]

Talk with Sparkles, a therapy session in the Marvel Universe (Fanfic)

This is my third session with code name Sparkles. This session, much like all of my other sessions with her, was odd.

If I came today, does that mean that I have to come tomorrow too? (Why she seems so intent on living these interviews before we have even really begun them is still beyond me.)  

Alright, I will be here tomorrow too. I still don’t see the point in me coming. I have always been as upfront with you as I could be. I have, if I have done anything at all, bent the truth. (She started playing with the necklace that she was wearing again.)

No, not lied. There is a difference between bending the truth and lying. We all bend the truth. We say what’s convenient for us. We lie to protect others. We say someone looks good when we don’t actually think they do. We say we believe someone when we actually don’t.

(I just wanted to point out that this isn’t a direct answer to the question. What questions were unacceptable to lie about?) I believe that the questions that led to the answers about the universe’s secrets are much more important than the answers themselves. What matters is that someone at some point was willing to ask the question. The curiosity of someone got us there in the first place.

Maybe. I had actually bought the place before my dad died. He knew that I would need to do something to occupy my mind; he knew that it had to be both creative and challenging. And that became an escape room. That escape room became a literal escape for me.

No, I love those kids. But I was 17. I was… I never… It’s just… And… (my lights had begun to start flash again, I have started being able to time out my lights flickering to each of her stuttered words) Hey, your lights are flickering again. They still have been unable to figure out the power grid. I wonder if our places are connected on the power grid.

My father’s old house. My father would have wanted that, but my siblings would never have had that had they been around. It was really the only place big enough for all 8 of us.

I have a housekeeper come twice a week and a babysitter 3 times a week. No live-in staff.

I guess, but I didn’t think about it. Truth is, I didn’t have much time to think about anything except keeping those kids alive.

I don’t know. You’re the doctor, shouldn’t you be able to tell me? I mean, I have my guess, but... You’re the one that could be… Not that… I mean no disrespect and… What I mean to say… (my lights started flickering again with every stutter. I had to stop it.)

What? Oh, I’m sorry. I don’t know… Sometimes… Occasionally… When I am nervous… (Again, her stuttering caused my lights to flicker nearly uncontrollably, this seemed to be the only proof that I needed. Her stuttering caused the lights to flash, and she had no control of it.)

Sorry. My father used to say that my hamster goes too fast. It will just run and run. It would never stop on anything for… (I was about to stop her from another stuttering rampage.) Rambling. Sorry. The twins say it’s cute when I ramble. They think that it makes me special.

Because their family, my father was old when my mom had me, almost 65. My mom was only 23, as old as I am now. She died when I was 8. My father was over 70 at that point. He could have sent me to some boarding school. He could have gotten me a nanny and never thought about me again. He didn’t do any of that; he cared. He wanted to care because family is what mattered to him. I have siblings older than my mom. I was, in their eyes, a mistake. They always believed that my mother had an agenda, and if she had an agenda, I did too. My father tried to shield me from the worst of it—sugar coating the things that weren’t pleasant to think about. It was about three weeks before my father died; we were discussing his funeral. He had seen what my mom’s funeral had devolved into. Her parents, who were still alive at the time, wanted to make sure everything was just so for their little girl. No one had expected her to die. It was a sudden thing. There was no time to prepare a funeral with her. And my mom’s parents nearly hijacked the whole thing. My dad wanted to avoid that. There was to be no question that this was his funeral. My siblings, my father, and I all met at my father’s… you don’t actually want to hear about this, do you?

(I didn’t but told her that I did, I figured that you didn’t want to hear about it.) Are you sure? It just seems that there are other things that you think I should be talking about.

Maybe my father’s actual funeral? (This wasn’t what I was thinking about either, but it was undoubtedly closer)

Not really, but if it gets me out of here faster… My father’s funeral was a perfectly average day. If I had to call it anything, I would call it may be cloudy, but I acknowledge my own biases. I would want the day my father was buried to be cloudy, if not straight rainy.

(I asked her to closer her eyes. I did this because I started seeing the room go hazy, and I couldn’t understand why. I thought that I would try something different. I thought that maybe if I was right, she could be doing something.) But I already know my biases. I shouldn’t have to… Never mind. Let’s just do this. I woke up in my bedroom that morning, freezing. (My office was slowly fading into the background. Her bedroom becoming clearer and clearer. It was not the room I would have believed to be hers. It was brightly colored, pink on the walls. There were several pieces of clothing strewn through the room. A few stuffed animals also throughout the room. There was a giant bed in the middle of the room. The bed was covered in pink and purple sheets. In the middle of the bed was Sparkles.) I had been so upset the night before, I forgot to either build a fire or turn the heater on. (Against the wall, I noticed that a fireplace was slowly showing up, I also noticed that my room started feeling colder.) The house itself is fairly warm usually, but my room is a little out there, so it doesn’t always get heat like it should. Usually, it’s not a problem. I turn the heater on, or if I’m feeling in a particular mood, I’ll light the fire in my room. The night before, though, I just didn’t feel like doing either. I woke up freezing. I remember that quite clearly because I remember thinking that my dad must have had a horrible night. You see, I’m a forgetful person. Knowing that I am forgetful, my dad would come check on me in the middle of cold nights. He did it religiously until he got very sick. On those days, I would be the one to check on him. My first thought on the day of my father’s funeral wasn’t something profound. It wasn’t some sweet memory of him. It was I’m going to have to go check on him. I was out of bed, my hair pulled into a tight ponytail before it hit me, and it hit me hard enough that I fell to the floor. I just sat there crying. I don’t even remember how long I sat there crying. All I know is that when I finally stood up again, it was eleven. My father’s funeral was two, so I had to get ready.

(I saw an image of her flash before me. It was not her current form. It was her younger. I could tell that, but I couldn’t exactly tell how much younger she was. She had her hair in a tight bun. There was a black ribbon that kept her hair in that bun. She was wearing a black dress that had sleeves that were covered in lace. This black dress had a red belt. I noticed the red belt and thought that it was slightly inappropriate and told her as such.) It was the only… How did you know that?

(I had been caught, and I didn’t even think about it. I needed to create a cover story. I tried to tell her that she had told me.) No. I didn’t tell you what I was wearing. How could you…

(She didn’t buy it, and of course, she didn’t, so I needed to come up with another story, thankfully her father was a rather public figure, so thinking about that, I continued and told her that I had looked up a picture of her at her father’s funeral.) That’s weird. Why would you need to see a picture of me at my father’s funeral?

I honestly hated the idea of having people at our father’s funeral.

(I felt the necessity to ask her what she meant by people.) I mean reporters and people that didn’t even know my father. My sister’s choice. She thought that it would be good for the family image. She was always the one to worry about that. (I didn’t even get a chance to ask her which sister) Holly. She came from my father’s first marriage, the second oldest; she’ll be turning forty-nine soon. Well, maybe. What do you think about the age idea? How do you think that is going to work?

Maybe they aged some but didn’t age as much as we did. Or perhaps they aged more. There is a scientific understanding of how this works according to a set of fake twins called the Einstein Twins. I’m boring you, aren’t I? (Again, she just knew, without me telling her anything) I tend to bore people with facts that they don’t care about. I know that I should get better at this, but I like random facts and… My sisters tell me that I talk too much. I don’t know when to stop talking. They say that I need to learn to close my mouth. They say that men don’t like a girl who rambles about things that the men don’t seem to think are essential to the conversation. And now, I’m rambling about rambling. Only someone like me could do that. Or really anyone. Anyone could do it. It’s just that I am the only one that actually does it. Right… Sorry… I should… I mean, I will… I just…

(I had to quickly stop her from rambling to save my lights from exploding again) OK. Continuing with the story. I walked into the funeral home. My father wanted his funeral to be something simple. He was one person that genuinely believed that simplicity was almost always better. He wanted a few white roses and a small picture of him, that’s it. The minute that I walked into the room, I was hit with the complete disrespect they had for their father, my father, our father. It was an astounding lack of respect for the man that we claimed to respect. The place was covered in both red and white flowers. (When she says covered, she truly means covered. The images that I could see made it seem like there was hardly any room to walk around in.) There was a giant picture of my father, one of his most stern moments, which I felt slightly derailed the legacy that I remembered of my father. He was a kind man, a gentle man. He was not just the stern man that his business partners tried to portray him to be. I feel like I have to use the past tense because I bought out his business partners or their family when I took over the company. Their vision of what they wanted from my father’s company was nothing close to what I wanted from it. So, when they needed money, or their families did, I was more than helpful. I would then offer them twice or triple what their shares were worth. Now, they all thought that they were duping me. They thought they were selling me shares extraordinarily high, and when I was in complete control, the company would begin to tank, and I would be forced to sell the shares back to them for half of what I bought them for. I now own 60% of the company, half from the shares that I bought from my dad’s partners and 10% from the shares that I got when dad died.

(I asked her if she was close in wealth to what Tony Stark was.) I don’t know that answer. Truth is, I don’t care. Some people have tried to compare the two of us, and I have said no. We both grew up in wealth and inherited that wealth from our parents. I don’t like being compared to him. I never invented deadly weapons, thank you very much. My mother’s company is heavily into energy, both renewable and nonrenewable. My father’s company is a bit harder to pin down. He made his money first in biotech - self-growing artificial skin. It cut down on scarring.

(I noticed that she had a small circular scar on her wrist, and I felt like I had to ask her about it) Oh, yes, that is a scar.

(She started playing with the scar the minute that I asked about it) I know what I just said, but it is just a bit more complicated than that.

No.

(She had yet to stop playing with that scar at this point) Because it’s personal, and I don’t feel that I need to justify my looks to you. Honestly, I’m sure that you have already made your judgments about my appearance. It must be so weird for you to look at me, considering that I look nothing like you would expect from one of the wealthiest people in the world. Well, welcome to my hell. Yes, I’m fat because I eat too much, but no, I don’t eat enough to starve an entire nation. So, you wanna stop with the judgments.

You are. I can feel it. I’m not stupid.

That I never said you thought. Actually, you think I’m brilliant, smarter than most people realize that I am. I was a figurehead of one of the largest energy corporations in the world before all my baby teeth had fallen out. Why should I have to be smart with that much money? Of course, when I do show them, then the comparisons start. I’m just a little less charming, not quite as pretty; that one really hurts, and just not quite as smart.

No. Why would I? He doesn’t know who I am. It’s not his fault. I have no reason to blame him for their comparisons. Besides, there are worse things that they could compare me to.  (I do want to point out here that she never once says his name.)

              (My assistant came in to tell us that we were running half an hour late. I didn’t think it was possible. I thought that we still had plenty of time). Looks like it’s time to go. Time really does fly when you don’t want to be somewhere. I will make sure that I am here early tomorrow, Doc. Would hate for you to wait on me.

[the-currian]

since we got Yandere headcanons for Autumn and Winter troupes... what about the remaining two?? If that's ok that is.

Hnnnggg NGL, I struggled with this troupe. I’m not that happy with how these came out... And I am currently still struggling with the Spring Troupe. But I do appreciate the challenge!! These boys are just too sweet; it’s kinda hard for me to twist their personalities. I hope you like them, though! ((Spring Troupe coming soon!!))

Summer Troupe Yandere Headcanons

((No Kumon because I’m only playing the English version of A3!))

Tenma Sumeragi

Dating this boy is definitely not easy. He can be too proud at times, and is quick to jump to conclusions. Plus with how busy he is in the entertainment business, it’s hard to get ahold of him sometimes. Despite this, the two of you are determined to make it work.

Which is why he gets super impatient when you’re the one that doesn’t have time for him. You knew going into this relationship that he’s a busy guy. So why does it seem like whenever he gets some free time, you’re always off somewhere else?

 As stated, he’s quick to jump to conclusions – one day he just gets so fed up and assumes the worst.

 “You’re cheating on me, aren’t you?” he says, grabbing onto your wrist with a vice-like grip. “What are you talking about, Tenma?” you reply, squirming to get free. “Tenma, let’s talk about this. And let me go; you’re hurting me.” Your words only seem to make him angrier, and he tightens his hold on you. “You’ve gotten tired of me not having the time for you so you’ve gone off with someone else.” “Tenma, that’s not–“ “Did you forget who I am? Me?” he gives you a ruthless chuckle. “My fans and I? We can ruin you.”

You immediately get chills down your spine, knowing exactly what he’s talking about. It’s been a brought up topic between the two of you before. Ever since word got out that the two of you were dating, Tenma’s fans had never been quite welcoming to you.

Although it’s toned down a lot, you still sometimes receive hateful comments on your social media. In the beginning, though, you had received quite a few threats and experienced physical assault from Tenma’s more… devoted fans.

Of course it died down after Tenma held a press conference on your behalf, harshly admonishing his fans for their actions and threatening to pull out of the entertainment business altogether, but now…

“It would be so easy, sweetheart.” Tenma says, cupping your face with a firm grip. “Just give a few anonymous tips to the media and your personal details could be out there in no time. Your address, your school, your schedule…your family’s information? I wonder what creative things my fans could come up this time with when they get ahold of that information.” “What do you want me to say, Tenma? I swear, I’m not cheating on you. It’s not my fault if you don’t believe me.” “No, I guess not…” he ponders, a devilish grin taking over his face as he reaches his decision. “Guess you’re just gonna have to stay by my side…forever.”

Muku Sakisaka

Definitely has a persecution complex. Because of this, he feels as if he’s never enough for you.

But he just loves you so much. He needs you… how can he convince you to stay with him?

He could never lay a hand on you, never. But maybe, if he shows you how much pain he’s feeling on the inside by causing himself the same amount of pain on the outside… you’d understand how much you mean to him and how much he needs you.

“I just can’t live without you – I’d die.

But he’s genuinely a sweet guy… Maybe if you spend enough time with him, you’ll come around and love him the way he wants you to…

Or so you tell yourself every time he threatens to harm himself again whenever you try to break things off with him.

Kazunari Miyoshi

When you first started dating, you had no idea that you’d be getting so much attention.

As it was, it turned out that Kazunari was somewhat of a social media celebrity. So of course he’d post numerous pictures and clips of you on his social media account.

You never minded it. You actually found it cute that Kazunari documented everything – from dates to lazy mornings in bed, he captured it all. So when you two decided to be more intimate, you glibly let him take videos and pictures of your more private moments.

Of course, those private moments were only for the two of you – not to be consumed by his followers.

And speaking of those followers, the public loved the two of you. The both of you were practically an influencer couple.

It never occurred to you just how popular the two of you were until one day, some people approached you and asked to take pictures with you.

The fans uploaded the pictures (with your permission) and you were excited to tell Kazunari about the nice fans. Unfortunately, he didn’t share your excitement.

When Kazunari saw the pictures you took with the fans, he was livid.

“Only I can take your pictures. I’m your personal photographer, and you’re my model.” “Calm down, Kazu! They’re just a few fans.” You laugh nervously, trying to placate him. “I guess it comes with being so active and open on social media.” “Calm down?” he seethes. “You’re mine, remember?”

You look on, confused, as he suddenly takes out his phone from his pocket.

“If you’re so keen on being open to everyone, how about I post this?” he says, showing you his phone screen.

You’re horrified to see a new post ready to be uploaded full of your nude photos, photos of you in bed during the private moments that you and Kazunari shared, and other intimate material that the two of you promised was only for the two of you to view.

“That’s what you want, right? All this attention from other people? Let other people see you the way that I see you?” he says, a crazed smile on his face as he draws the phone closer to himself, finger hovering over the upload button. “I’ll gladly do it for you.”

“Kazu, stop!” you cry out. “No… just stop… please. It won’t happen again. I’m all yours...you know that.”

He closes the app and walks over to you, crushing you in his embrace. “Good girl…” he murmurs into your ear, oblivious of how you stiffen at his touch.

If any of Kazunari’s followers noticed that you looked a bit distressed in the posts that Kazunari would upload following that day, they never commented about it (or maybe Kazunari deleted them)

Misumi Ikaruga

You’d been dating Misumi for a while now, so when he asked you to move in with him, you were initially all for it, but hesitated when you remembered that he shares a dorm with around twenty other men.

“Don’t you want to stay with me?” he pouts, putting on his best puppy-dog expression that he knows you just can’t resist.

“It’s not that I don’t want to stay with you…” you say, trying your best to avoid looking into his eyes. “But you already have so many dorm mates, and wouldn’t it be awkward for them knowing that your partner is rooming with you?”

“Don’t worry!” he says, a mischievous glint in his eyes. “I have it covered!”

Apparently, having it covered means hiding you away in his room. ((He was able to hide himself from the Spring Troupe all that time; he can most definitely hide you.))

Could this even be considered “hiding you away”, though? No… it was more like you were… trapped.

“You’ll be my secret triangle – my treasure. Doesn’t that sound nice?” he stopped himself, looking to you, waiting for your input. He continued when he noticed that you were speechless (from glee, obviously! Or so he tells himself). “No one will know, except you and me. You don’t need to do anything! I’ll get to be with you and take good care of you! It’ll be perfect.”

He was adamant that you not go outside of his room under any circumstance, unless he was with you.

Even during the times when you did go out, no one else was around for you to be seen.

He did practically everything for you – he brought you food, gave you baths, provided all your needs for you – on the condition that you just stay put and not draw attention to yourself.

Honestly, you were terrified of what would happen if you did otherwise.

Yuki Rurikawa

Despite being blunt to a fault, Yuki is a bit sensitive to people’s opinions.

He can normally take it, however, and is able to put up a strong front.

He can endure scorn from others, but when that scorn is directed towards you? Oh, no.

He’s had to teach those offenders a lesson or two, be it through brutal smack talk thrown back at them, or with his talents… Scissors have uses besides fashion, you know?

He doesn’t trust you to take care of yourself no matter how many times you reassure him. You’re hopeless without him in his eyes.

So after the first few times when his bullies start bullying you, too, he takes matters into his own hands.

He even goes as far as to control how you present yourself. He dresses you, fixes your hair… basically corrects you as he sees fit.

When this happens, his sharp tongue doesn’t spare even you. This boy will rip your self-esteem into shreds and comfort you while you cry over it. His skill in manipulation does wonders – he fixes your hair and presses your head against his chest as choked sobs leave your lips.

He calls you “doll”, and his troupe mates either heckle him for his cheesiness or are jealous of how sweet the two of you are.

If only they knew exactly what he meant when he calls you his doll.

[originofjaehyun]

Interlude: No More Drama | Part 3 | Boom

Interlude: No More Drama Masterlist

Word count: 3,178

Warnings: None except for mentions of cigarette I guess

Part 3 | Boom

“It was rather good baby, the day you were standing there again like a picture.”

Prev • Next

Jaehyun’s used to girls flocking around him.

He never meant to boast about his look, but it would be a lie if he told people that he's not confident with it. His pale skin, combined with the defined jaw, decorated with a pair of brown eyes that could penetrate with just a look, he is chiseled to perfection. 

There are many times where he would go to clubs, either with a friend or with his clients, just to have the rest of the night pretending he’s having a good time when he’s not. He is sick with the same pattern, girls trying to steal his attention, trying their best to seducing them. He has witnessed more than a handful of women that wore something that could barely hold their breasts. 

Jaehyun hated these types of girls. But he would hold them just for the sake of temporary satisfactions. What is wrong with hookups, as long as both parties gave their consent? They would feel like they owned Jaehyun the next morning, texted him even when they were already back at their respective homes. But Jaehyun would never respond, seeking nothing more but just a one night stand.

Not until he saw you.

He was sitting right across you, so he had a full picture of how you look that night. You were pretending, just like him. He saw a glimpse of him in you. When you made eye contact with him, he thought you would be another girl that he would bring home for the night, expecting you to send back another flirtatious peek just like how other girls would. But no, he was just another indifferent person for you. You’re back, talking with your best friend and letting out the most genuine smile of the night.

Curious.

He thought as he continued to observe you. In the end, he saw his opportunity to find you, as you walked towards the balcony for a smoke. The moment Jaehyun’s lips touch yours, he feels like a bolt runs through his vines. His heart beats faster as the kiss becomes more intense. Your kisses feel like the first spring for Jaehyun.

Jaehyun woke up with the absence of your presence. So she left, he thought to himself. This is nothing new to Jeong Jaehyun. Every time he had those casual sex, there are times where his partner would just storm outside without even bothered to say goodbye. He’s used to it.

It’s a shame, he thought there’s something different... from you.

It just makes sense for him to flinch when you suddenly opened the door with two glasses of water on both hands.

“Sorry, did I wake you up?” You said to him, apologetically. Worried that you’ve woken him up from his slumber because of the ruckus you’ve made.

You put the glasses on the side table, “I thought you’ll wake up feeling thirsty after… Uhm, last night.” You gulped, feeling slightly embarrassed as you remembered how he devoured you just a few hours ago.

“I’m sorry for barging your apartment, but you look so content in your sleep that I don’t want to wake you up. I promise I didn’t steal anything.”

Me, content? 

This is something new to Jaehyun. This is the first time he sleeps longer than his partner. Even when they left without trying to not wake him up, he would pretend that he’s still asleep, just for the sake of being polite.

He stared at you, scanning how you look, before letting out a soft hoarse simper.

“There’s nothing much in my place anyway, but I’m guessing you’ve taken a liking on my shirt?”

You blushed, “Well, I technically passed out last night, and you refused to let me go after the fourth round.”

“We left our clothing in the hallway, so I just grab whatever is lying here. I hope you don’t mind, here’s yours.” You passed the already-folded shirt and trousers to him. “Uhm, your boxer is in the middle. I left your coat at the coat hanger.”

He blinks repeatedly, without replying to your statement. Realizing he might still be collecting himself after being woken up, abruptly, you continued your speech.

“I’ll be gone before long. I hope you’re ok with me changing here, I don’t know where your bathroom is and I’ve been barging long enough.”

You’ve sensed that his gaze has become softer, eyes gleaming.

“Don’t change yet.” He finally talked to you. “Can you come here instead?”

He stretched out his arms, adorably asking for your presence. He pressed both of his lips together, acting spoiled and forcing the dimples to come out. After last night, he actually asked, rather than commanding. You let out a small chuckle, before falling on top of him, cuddling with each other.

You took a moment to enjoy the silence between you. The room only filled with the sound of your breathing, harmonizing with each other. He casually caressed your hair, tightening his hugs while making sure you’re still comfortable in between his arms. This man could be gentle too, so you thought, after seeing him being so beastly last night. He placed a kiss on your temple, then playfully snuffling himself onto your hair.

“I should get going.” You stopped him from tickling you further.

“As much as I enjoy this and it’s Saturday morning, I think I’m overstaying my welcome.”

“Who said so? I can do this all day.” He put his head on the crook of your neck, continued to act spoiled. “At least stay for breakfast? I can cook for you.”

“You’re good looking, smell nice, extremely experienced in bed and now you can cook? God seems a bit unfair when he created you, huh?” You scoffed at his statement, making him burst in laughter.

“But really, I have to turn down the offer. My best friend will start hunting for me if she knows I’m at a stranger’s house. But thank you for your kindness.”

You raise yourself up, ready to change back to the attire you wore last night. He then limped himself back to the bed, staring at the ceiling as you changed. 

“Can I see you again?” He’s now sitting down again, watching as you continued to wear your pants.

You zipped your trousers.

“Oh Jaehyun,” You walked towards him, picking up the phone you left at his side table. “You’re a charmer, you’d find plenty of women like me.”

You plant a kiss on his forehead, before striding your way to his apartment door.

–

“Do you have everything ready?”

You rolled your eyes before replying to the owner of the sweet voice. “Joy, this is the fifth time you’ve asked me and yes, I have everything.”

She sighed, “Well, it’s only natural for us to be nervous, right? After all, we are going to meet a representative from NCT Corp., big bucks, y’know?” She rubs her thumb with her index and middle fingers, acting like there’s a dollar bill in between. 

“Well, my dear friend, you’re in luck cause the creative director is coming with you. Besides, ever heard a rumor that our clients would prepare a signed document beforehand if they knew I’m coming?” You said while shrugging your shoulders.

“Fucking show off.” Joy rolled her eyes.

“Language, miss.”

She then clings your arm, acting spoiled – in case you would ask her to go home early; which is not a good sign. 

Both of you then proceed to enter the car, provided by the company that’s ready to drive you to the potential client’s office, NCT Corp., located at the heart of Seoul. It is a commercial property services firm, the biggest in South Korea. It has managed billions of square feet in property and facilities management and has done over thousands of leasing transactions. No wonder Joy breaks to sweat when she’s told that she’s going to be in this project with you when the client is in such caliber.

That’s not the case for you. You love the challenge and you love the thrill, when you’re faced with something that needs more than just a simple multiplication, your brain starts to work in wonders and you love that feeling. You love being in control of your job and you take pride in every work you’ve done.

You aligned at the lobby. It’s very modern and chic, but you know that the marbles that they used to decorate the floor would cost a fortune.

“Hi, how can I help you today?” The lady at the receptionist greeted you with a wide grin.

“Hi, I’m here to meet Mr. Seo? We’re scheduled to have a meeting at three.”

“OK Miss, may I have your ID card?”

You swiftly took your wallet and gave her your ID card.

“It’s [Y/N] [Y/L/N], from The Paper Plane.”

She then scans your ID card and flips open the ever-thick notes, filled with the black ink marking the company’s busy schedule. She stopped at one of the lines, before handing over two guest cards.

“Ms. [Y/N], we’ve confirmed your appointment today with Mr. Seo. All you need to do is to tap the card on the entry, and press the number 27 at the elevator.” She continues and pointing the direction of her right, showing you which way to go.

You grab both of the guest cards, handing one of the cards to Joy, “Thank you very much!”

She nods, “You’re welcome, I’ll inform Mr. Seo immediately that you’ve arrived. Have a good day!”

You’re trying your best not to let out a loud gasp when you reach the 10th floor. While the lobby downstairs was leaning towards the grandiose side, the current floor opts for a more humbled tone. The space was designed with a monochrome palette with wooden accents. The pillars were painted in black, but what impressed you the most was the wide panoramic window, showing off the breathtaking view the employees got to see every single day. You are then greeted with another person, this time a young man with curly brown hair, skin washed in a healthy tan. His eyes flicker at the sight of you.

“Are you Ms. [Y/L/N]?” He asked you and you nod.

“Great, I’m Donghyuck and I’m Mr. Seo’s current assistant. Please, follow me.” He said quickly, refusing to waste any more second. 

“Nice office, by the way.” Joy jumped into the conversation. 

Donghyuck chuckled, while he continued to lead his way, “Our Mr. Seo hated it when we’re constrained in the same view every day, thus the wide window.”

“You’d be surprised by how many times he forced us to brainstorm with him near the window. There’s a reason why I have my tan on, despite not taking any vacations.” He put his hand next to his mouth, being extra careful not to be caught by his boss talking about him. Both of you just laugh at his remark, making sure you stopped before Donghyuck knocks the door in front of you.

“Mr. Seo?” Donghyuck asked the person in question, being replied with a muted ‘yes’.

“The people from The Paper Plane are here.”

“Oh, please come in!”

Donghyuck enters the room, leaving the door open so that you ladies can enter after him. You didn’t make him wait for long, as you stride your way in. You’re then faced with a very tall man, a handsome chap. His eyes were the color of the earthy brown, glistening like an old copper penny. He greets you with a smile, showing you a dimple that is located on one of his cheekbones. 

“Hi, I’m [Y/N] [Y/L/N]. It’s great to finally meet you.”

“Pleasure is all mine. I’m Johnny Seo, Chief Marketing Officer for NCT Corp.” He said as he shook your hand, letting you smell his fragrance, noting the spicy and woody scent.

“I hope finding your way here was not difficult?” He continues as he made a gesture to let you and Joy sit on the couch at his office. 

“Not at all, Mr. Seo. There was a slight traffic jam at the corner of the street, probably because today is Friday. Otherwise, there’s no way we could miss such a beautiful office.”

A gum smile appears from his face, “Please, just call me Johnny. I might have the chief branded as my title, but I believe I’m too young for people to call me Mr. Seo all the time.”

“But you are an exception, Donghyuck, let’s try to make us look professional in front of these ladies, okay bud?” He then jokingly glared at the younger boy, causing him to hold his laughter. Both you and Joy are quick to realize that the person in front of you is definitely friendly, and kind for loosening up the atmosphere. He probably noticed how nervous Joy was.

“So, let’s get started, shall we? I booked my calendar for this, but surely I’m a busy person!”

You softly giggle, “Right, that is why I got you covered.” A brow raised from Johnny’s face, impressed with the amount of reference you brought with you.

–

“And that, finally concludes everything!”

A joyful squeal came from Joy’s mouth – no pun intended. You didn’t realize the sun was already set when you wrapped up your meeting.

“I know from the beginning I was right for choosing The Paper Plane.” Johnny smiles, followed by him stretching out his shoulder due to hours long of conversing with you. “Your portfolio impresses me, [Y/N], I’m looking forward to our project.”

You helped Joy, cleaning up the papers from the coffee table where you guys were pouring out your ideas. 

“Shit, it’s already this late?!”

“Hush, Joy!” You shrieked in panic, eyes wide open as a warning for Joy who just tragically cursed in front of their client. Thankfully Johnny signed the deal already. If not, there goes your hard work.

Johnny, as kind as he is, just laughs at it, “Please don’t mind me, it’s over our working hours anyway, so we’re allowed to be our personal self again.” He said as if he knows that you’re scared of offending him. “Regardless, is there anything wrong, Joy?”

It’s only because he is Johnny Seo and the charisma that he has that he could easily be casual with someone who just jammed hours-long meetings with him. Joy, glad that she ended up didn’t fuck this meeting, quickly grabbed her phone and texting someone before replying to Johnny. “I’m meeting my girlfriends tonight. We’ve planned this dinner since God-knows-when.”

“Wait, you got an appointment? And here I thought we always eat somewhere after our meetings! It’s our tradition, no?” You whined at the last minute change-of-plan, clearly unhappy with the sudden news.

Joy gasps as her eyes widens, “Oh no! I’m sorry I forgot to tell you!” She said as her eyes continue to move frantically, concerned because you would usually eat dinner with her and now the probability of you having your dinner alone is almost absolute.

Just when you’re about to say you’re going to order a delivery or something, Johnny cuts you off, “If you don’t mind, [Y/N], I’m meeting a friend tonight. You can join me for dinner if you want.”

“Oh, please don’t take it the wrong way,” worried that you might start to have a weird judgment about him. “The person in question is my long-time best friend. We’ve known each other for years and we’re constantly in touch. So a night without my friend whining and complaining about life would actually be a good idea.” 

You then look to Joy’s direction, telepathically asking for her advice. Her face said that you should go with it, but you’re still doubting.

“I’m sure my friend will like you,” he continues. “Also, I think your portfolio, combined with your personality will impress ‘em.”

“Well, uhm,”

It’s not that you hate meeting a new person, you’re just not sure how you could be comfortable by having dinner with a – if you dare to say so; a client that could secure your income for the rest of the quarter. Even so, the addition of his friend that you don’t even know what kind of high profile that person has tripled your worry.

“My treat?” Johnny looks at you, shoulders are now both ups, making it his last straw for you to come with him.

You finally laughed, “Oh dear, you surely know how to win someone’s heart.”

Johnny smirked from ear to ear, “Well, I trained for years. It’s only right for me to be able to do so.”

–

“You’re not treating me at Wolfgang’s.”

You stopped your step after you saw the restaurant sign. Wolfgang’s Steakhouse is a steakhouse that originally came from Park Avenue in Manhattan. Ever since it opened its chain restaurant in Seoul, it has been packed with celebrities and other VVIPs. You’re not the type of person who would be stingy with how you spend your money on food but definitely would think twice if you’re going to splurge that much money over a single meal.

Johnny then turned his way to you, before then a waiter opened the door for him.

“Well, consider it as a token of my apology for taking your time during the meeting, and for taking our time before making it for dinner. Besides, me and my friend are regulars at this restaurant. It’s always our go-to if we want to have a good meal. The steak’s awesome, the wine’s great, and the people here are relatively more, I would say, conservative in comparison to other places? So I can actually hear my partner talking, not some random gibberish from others.”

You just felt like you’re underdressed for Wolfgang’s. Not to the point where you’re ready to scoot your ass on a street-food stall at Myeong-dong (those are awesome, by the way), you’re glad that you still dressed properly to meet this client of yours. But you wished you’ve worn something fancier if you were to know your future patronage is going to treat you for an expensive meal.

But since you’re here and your stomach is clearly not on your side if you want to leave the place, you unconsciously follow behind Johnny’s tall figure, and even if you consider yourself not that petite, Johnny would still be able to hide your stature.

“My friend’s already here.” He said while looking at his phone. “He said he’s seated in our usual spot… Oh, there he is!” His eyes wide-opened at the sight of his friend.

So does yours.

“Jaehyun, buddy! Sorry I got caught in traffic!”

It’s been over a month since the night you left his apartment. He didn’t see you at first, no thanks to Johnny’s tall figure, but once he saw your face, his face perks up, you could’ve sworn you didn’t see his invisible tail wagging.

But whatever that has happened, you find yourself smiling without even realizing it, at the sight of him.

A/N: Sorry if this chapter was a bit too... slow in pace in comparison to the first two ones? At least this is how I envisioned Boom to be, just simply sweet. It was also hard to put the lyric into the chapter I literally squeezed my creative juice for this lols also im sorry the words are getting longer and longer by each chapter

[flamediel]

1. who do u think uses the most petnames

Erick, he has a silly sense of humor so I think he comes up with crazy and silly nicknames that catch on with the rest.

2. What pet names do you think they each like to call you ~romantically~

Richard- shorty/shawty or baby girl. He has a height complex (short with a big attitude) so he is def gonna use petnames that accentuate that he is bigger than you. Though, I also think he would be the one to call you like the most grand stuff to hype you up like "my diosa" or something like that.

Chris- Cutesy version of your name. In terms of like terms of endearment I think he constantly changes them up, like for a month he calls you sweetie, then two weeks he can't stop calling you whatever cute wording the used in their new single (like honeyboo for example) and so on. He has a fun personality and needs to keep it fun and light in the relationship too.

Zabdiel- He will absolutely call you Mi amor when he is annoyed/frustrated, almost all boricuas do that. Prob just goes with mami , bebe (or the less common variant beba) and if you have a middle name he would 100 call you that. With Zabdiel, I feel petnames is all about intimacy so when he uses each petname kind of becomes code words for his moods or his feelings or just some secret joke between you two.

Joel - the one that goes absolutely into the ridiculously sweet petnames. He will call you honey, sweeatheart, mi cielo, mi reina, mi vida and prob refers to you when talking to other people as "the love of my life". This boy is a hopeless romantic and the way he uses petnames reflect that.

Erick- creatively made up petname...maybe based on something that reminds him of you or maybe some silly but adorable version of your name. Whatever it is, Erick came up with it just for you and it will 100% make you feel special. He just seems to be the type that can find humor in everything and will turn that silly humor into fun petnames.

3. What petnames do they like to be called ~romantically~

Richard: I feel that though he doesn't really care much, he would kind of love it if you called him by his middle name. And well, the classic Papi I guess?

Chris: He would be so upset if you called him by his full first name, he automatically thinks he did something wrong when you do that. I think he would be fine with anything as long as you say it in the write tone, like if you say a sweet name but your tone isn't sweet he'd put a pouty face until you use the right tone...what you are actually using as a petname he doesnt care much.

Zabdiel: I think he prob likes to hear you say his name just like that. But he prob expect a similar version of what he calls you depending the situation so nicknames like Papi and bebé/bebo are prob tossed around the most.

Joel: anything is fair game except his name, he will call you like at least 3 petnames when talking to you and he expects the same treatment. Mi amor, mi rey, mi corazón, ect are some examples.

Erick: Prob the classic baby? Idk tbh 🙈 Maybe he is into animal petnames? Yeah, I can see that like you calling him by whatever animal the first plushie he gave you.

4. What petnames do they call you but ~spicy~

Ok, Im gonna try it differently now, Imma say a couple of petnames and who I think would say them when getting spicy:

-Daddy's girl/ Good Girl - Richard, Chris, Zabdiel (when he is feeling in the mood to tease)

-Mami- Erick & Zabdiel

-My (insert degrading term here) -Richard and Chris

-Mia/Mine - Zabdiel, Joel and Richard (yeah they give the vibes to whisper possessively when going down on you)

Nena- Zabdiel & Erick (prob as a warning when being teased)

-Baby- Joel, maybe Richard (though Baby Girl is more his style)

-My pet -I think this might slip out of Joel's mouth in the right context.

Kitten/ Gatita :Richard, Chris and Erick

Belleza: Chris, Zabdiel & Erick

Mi diosa: Richard

Princesa: Richard, Chris & Joel

5. What petnames do they like to be called but ~spicy~

Daddy: Obviously Richard, Chris and Zabdiel (but I think Zabdiel specifically might prefer the spanish alternative Papi)

Baby: Zabdiel and Erick (Joel would be both turned on and offended by being called baby)

Calling them by their own names: All of them, have you seen the egos of those boys? Yeah

Calling them by their middle name: Richard and Chris

Dirty/ Naughty boy: Chris, Zabdiel, Erick & Joel

My pet: Zabdiel

Guapo: Richard & Joel

DAMN ok iara lets go!

1. who do u think uses the most petnames?

erick. i agree he’s so silly he’s always using casual nicknames it’s the cutest

2. What pet names do you think they each like to call you ~romantically~

richard: can’t lie if that man started calling me shawty i would call him that right back he’s barely a few inches taller and he comes in w that energy? but tbh i just feel like i would v much enjoy pissing richard off alkjdlshs. baby girl or anything romantic or extra like that tho? bro I’d be so RED and he knows

chris: i agree i don’t see him sticking to one name for too long he’s always changing it up. esp when he’s joking around he’ll sing those parts to you and just watch you blush and roll your eyes at him for it. 

zab: i love the idea of nicknames varying by mood. and it just turns into a thing where you can kind of figure out where he’s at mentally based on what he says. mi amor when he’s annoyed or frustrated, but then bebe when he’s tired and just needs a hug. mami when he’s all needy, just TONS OF NICKNAMES. i can see him using a middle name esp if you don’t love it to make it all cutesy, or your last name.

Joel: yep.. that fucking tracks dskjjdhjkshk man loves love and he is sickly sweet w his pet names. it’s honestly cute how constant it is and esp since it’s all genuine it makes you SOFT man

erick: look i see erick pulling a christopher w those song themes pet names like my boo and shit but he’s super jokey with it, he also uses like those ridiculously over the top ones but always w some humor behind them. and name ones, 100%, he’s really cutesy and jokey with it. 

3. What petnames do they like to be called ~romantically~

Richard: def papi, but i also do think he cares like. richard gives me lowkey romantic vibes like once he’s in w someone he’s IN yk? and I feel like he’d enjoy being called my love or amor or something like that bc he does have a soft spot and we gotta talk about it more dammit

Chris: you’re right christopher is so formal? and even chris i feel like he wouldn’t love. he deserves affection ok he wants to be called love and baby and like even papi casually and just w a ton of love in your voice and if you sound off he’s gonna be so confused about it. 

Zabdiel: ok but zabdiel as a name seems so intimate for some reason? idk why but it really does. i would call him baby 100% like idc if he’s twice my side and could physically split me in half he’s baby and if he’s MY baby then he will definitely be made aware of this lmao. 

Joel: joel needs love and affection and uou know what that’s valid. baby? sweetheart? amor? angel? he’s melting

Erick: not animal nicknames 😭i can see it tbh but he looks like my cousin so i can’t even imagine him like that lmao

4. What petnames do they call you but ~spicy~

Daddy's girl/ Good Girl - this is such a richard and chris phrase, zab when he’s teasing or feeling dommy but chris ESP like if you’re giving him head? “you’re being such a good girl for me, just like that baby”

Mami- Erick & Zabdiel, sure, but also chris. tho in a more casual way. he would DEF say it in bed too. 

My (insert degrading term here) -Richard and Chris. yes, tho rich uses more degrading terms i feel like. 

Mia/Mine - Zabdiel, Joel and Richard. yes but ESP ZABDIEL like? when he’s just, slightly jealous or put off. if you’re teasing him by talking to other guys or not giving him attention for example? he’s pinning you to the bed, kissing down your chest and just whispering it to you, reminding you who exactly can turn you into this mess.

Nena- Zabdiel & Erick definitely. zab in that quiet voice when you’re trying to tease him in public especially “later, nena”

Baby- Joel ESPECIALLY yes, and in that whiney babyyyyy when he wants attention

My pet ok yes i agree this is def only joel and only in specific scenarios

Kitten/Gatita: Richard, Chris and Erick. i can see this esp w richard in that teasing, degrading tone when he has you tied up and on your knees, stroking your face and wiping the running mascara off of your cheek once he’s finished fucking your mouth

Belleza: Chris, Zabdiel & Erick. erick for sure. big erick vibes w this one, whispered undfer his breath as he watches you undress. 

Mi diosa: Richard yes he’s such a ficking simp like? we need to talk about that more

Princesa: Richard, Chris & Joel. again w richard the band’s simp and then chris and joel for sure, both sexually and not. 

5. What petnames do they like to be called but ~spicy~

Daddy: I agree with this being a richard thing, but i think chris is definitely more into papi and zab would only really be ok with papi. I don’t see him liking daddy at all tbh, but papi? for sure. 

Baby: Zabdiel better like being called baby bc i will call him baby all the time he has such baby energy. I actually see erick being more offended by it as the baby of the group, and joel being surprised at first but leaning into it. 

Calling them by their own names: omg yes in bed? esp zabdiel he will MAKE you say his name in bed when he’s feeling possessive, asking you who this pussy belongs to. richard def prefers daddy in bed and might take his name as being bratty but in foreplay or less intense scenes he’s super into it. 

Calling them by their middle name: Richard and Chris. tbh idk about this one like? maybe? i really don’t know.

Dirty/Naughty boy: Chris, Zabdiel, Erick & Joel. ok i’m gonna have to say this one goes to joel i think he feels good about breaking rules and this is definitely one of those things that reminds him he’s being nasty lol. 

My pet: Zabdiel. i see that highkey. also likes callling you mami in the same vein esp when you’re taking the lead

Guapo: Richard & Joel. i very firmly believe if you call richard anything but daddy in bed he’s mad BUT i can see this in teasing or foreplay w him for sure. joel is def into it he needs an ego boost. 

come talk about petnames

[anhed-nia]

10/18/2020: STREET TRASH

I just caught myself trying to avoid writing about this movie. I was looking right at my Blogtober setlist, and I still managed to convince myself that I was all caught up, and I had earned my right to move on to the comparative luxury and ease of CATHY'S CURSE. I was well into that project before I realized that I was just subconsciously trying to shirk my 10/18 responsibilities. So, now I'm on punishment, but luckily, just trying to deal with this film is enough punishment in and of itself, if you are not one of this movie’s many passionate fans. I always feel like I'm making a big confession, even to myself, when I admit that I just don't like STREET TRASH.

For some reason, my failure to get down with this movie always makes me feel like a prude and a poseur. It's such a Thing for so many people, and such a grandiose act of rebellion against decency that I feel like I should like it. And I mean, I'm no prude; I'm a fan of a lot of movies that are fairly described as a bunch of sleazy, nihilistic, rage-fueled nonsense. When I try to say what I don't like about STREET TRASH, I find myself delivering a list of problems that is almost identical to the list of reasons I do like a lot of other movies: it's ugly, mean, tacky, offensive, depressingly cheap, grim, anti-social bordering on evil, and on top of everything else, it doesn't really make any sense. It's a little hard for me to explain where and why I draw the line between STREET TRASH and beloved favorites like LAST HOUSE ON DEAD END STREET, ISLAND OF DEATH, BEYOND THE DARKNESS, or EBOLA SYNDROME (ok so EBOLA SYNDROME isn't actually one of my favorite movies, but I definitely admire its...er, guts). My aversion to Troma movies--another thing that makes me feel like a stranger in a strange land--might help inform some of what I don't like about STREET TRASH. There's a way in which a willfully offensive movie can seem to cross over from being contemptuous of society, to contemptuous of its own audience, and that's what bothers me: Troma's insistence on its own laziness and prurience, accusing the viewer of getting off on failure and inferiority, and garnishing its pridefully crappy production with shitty jokes about smearing queers and killing whores. But, while STREET TRASH has a similar brand of extremely shallow nihilism, much of it is meticulously put-together, which is usually a movie's saving grace--not that it's expensive and beautiful, but that it is made with evident passion. Which is exactly why this movie is such a confusing experience for me.

Maybe I can find some further clarity by attempting to describe what the plot consists of. A Brooklyn liquor store owner finds a case of ancient malt liquor called Tenafly Viper in his basement that, for some reason, causes anyone who drinks it to melt down into human sewage and/or explode. Just when it seems like the mysterious action and origin of Viper will be at the center of the plot--after all, it is STREET TRASH's main claim to fame--we drift into the dour drama between a pair of young homeless brothers, Freddie and Kevin, living in a shack in the back of a junkyard. These guys are relatively wholesome compared to the surrounding encampment, where the absolute dregs of humanity exist in a HILLS HAVE EYES-like fiefdom under a deranged Vietnam vet. Their collective troubles begin when Freddy brings home a blind-drunk mafia moll, who is subsequently raped to death by the other hobos. This brings the heat down on the whole camp, as a violent cop tries to find the connection between the derelicts, the mob, and the melting corpses sloshing around in the streets. The results are, needless to say, a mess.

STREET TRASH is relentlessly hostile to all forms of life, salting its own festering wounds with a dash of brutally unfunny comedy. Writer and producer Roy Frumkes has said of his script, "I wrote it to democratically offend every group on the planet, and as a result the youth market embraced it as a renegade work, and it played midnight shows."  It’s hard for me to imagine what form of pleasure people derive from this film, but as Frumkes correctly notes, it does exist. The utterly debased narrative and its many scatological set pieces go so far above and beyond the call of flipping the bird to society, seething with bitterness and loathing in every frame, that one could wonder if the filmmakers weren't clinically depressed. The noxious brew of rape jokes, casual racism, miserable 'Nam flashbacks, and full-body incontinence foments such entirely bad vibes that you might feel like flushing yourself down the toilet by the end, just like the first victim does in the movie's admittedly spectacular opening salvo. 

But th brings me to my point: STREET TRASH is not just a bad movie made poorly. The execution of its signature scene, an elaborate splatterpunk version of the once-popular Goodbye Cruel World novelty knickknacks, is a genuine labor of love, monstrously creative, and one of the most indelible images in horror. If that's my favorite thing in the movie (besides an all too short appearance of the wonderful James Lorinz), my least favorite thing might be its second-most notorious scene, in which the junkyard’s demented denizens play football with a guy's severed cock--but as I just read, even this sequence is rendered with some amount of thoughtfulness. Apparently three separate dildos were used to pull off the gag, including an extra large version that was required for the shots of the dick hurtling through the air in slow motion, warping and wobbling as it soars towards its next receiver. I am strangely beguiled by the idea of director Jim Muro experimenting with how to shoot this scrimmage for maximum effect, choosing dongs that were the right size and weight for the type of motion that he wanted to capture on camera. This shows a decided lack of the kind of laziness that I have come to expect from movies that are this grimy and dejected-feeling. A too-long genital mutilation joke is the last thing I want to give anyone credit for, but here, I feel kind of forced to.

A hot bondage scene with Doctor Jersey Boy!

Why did I put myself through this, you might ask, clearly knowing what I was in for? STREET TRASH is in a small group of movies that make me feel like I'm missing something. They're so well-loved, and they do so little for me--without my being able to completely denounce them as worthless--that I feel this nagging obligation to check in on them now and again. Maybe this is the year that my horizons have expanded to the right degree; maybe I've finally seen a vast enough number and variety of movies that my whole context for something like this will have changed. For the most part, it seems like the days of that kind of radical change are behind me, as a grownass woman with many thousands of hours of viewing under my belt. I still don't feel whatever specialized joy people seem to get from STREET TRASH, and I expect I never will. I really don’t know what else to say at this point, except that in my brief research for this piece, I discovered that the director went on to a substantial career as a cinematographer whose work includes CRASH. No, not the Cronenberg one. The incredibly sappy, pretentious, and witlessly tasteless social justice one from 2004. And there is something I find perversely satisfying about that fact. I guess Muro is really fucking things up from the inside now.

[skamamoroma]

I have to admit I am a little disappointed with a few things this season at this point and it’s such a damn shame. Not everyone will agree with me and that’s no problem but these are my thoughts ☺️

They had me in the palm of their hand at the beginning and for quite a few of the early episodes. It was stellar, moving, intriguing, creatively structured and I was so interested to see Arthur navigate the d/Deaf community and his hearing loss. All of it was so engaging and made so much sense. I learned so much!

That said, after a while I felt a little disillusioned because of repetition. One thing, for me, that was stellar about the original is how succinct and expositionless the show was. It was so real and I LOVED when they even missed stuff out for us to work out and weren’t wholly full circle because it felt like real life but the seasons still made total sense and we still felt the character arc.

The repetition is fine, it wasn’t my favourite way for the show to get the point across that Arthur was struggling to find his place and struggling to live life as he always had done... and struggling to navigate stuff with the boys and Alexia. But it served its purpose I guess.

I absolutely understand the themes of “between two worlds” and isolation and the navigation of a young person and disability. There’s so much to learn there and I don’t for a second dispute that the show did research because my goodness - they did. Those clips have been, for me, the best of the season. There has clearly been so much overwhelming effort and that’s wonderful and I have seen so many folks who understand Arthur’s journey feeling so happy and represented which is... well that’s special.

But then the show kind of lost it a little for me with the relationship stuff. To be honest, for me as a person, I don’t put much stock in sex or intimate scenes but I do put a lot of stock in relationships between people whether they’re friendships or romantic love.

I was really happy that we were seemingly getting an established relationship for the first time with Skam outside of Eva/Jonas because we’d seen these two characters and knew and loved them! I wasn’t necessarily big on Arthur and Alexia as early on they felt shoehorned together for the sake of it but the show did a lovely job of showing them together, explaining why they were together and really establishing Alexia as this source of warmth for Arthur.

It’s not that I’m sold on them as a couple so much that I’d be devestated if they broke up. That would have been fine with me. I expected drama but it would have been so refreshing if that came from within their relationship. But the show, for me, dropped the ball with the romance and god is it a shame.

It’s obvious people will compare here with Lucas/Eliott. Cheating is an element of that season. It always has been in every version. Is it right? Absolutely not. But it has its purpose as we’ve seen time and time again and it’s tied to the themes of the season. We watch from Lucas’ perspective and so obviously are supporting and understanding him. So we have no emotional attachment or understanding of Lucille except for through Eliott and we understand immediately that they aren’t ok, that Eliott wants to end things and we see their relationship in glimpses and it isn’t good. We don’t have investment there and we also understand why Lucas is doing what he’s doing with Chloe because we’re seeing his mind being twisted. None of it is ok but the relationships that fall apart are both toxic or built on lies or unhealthy or close to over and we have a love story play out where both participants receive their source of understanding and warmth and comfort and understanding from each other. It’s messy but it makes sense despite that. But the fundamental is that the love story can be enjoyed and watched as a positive thing despite the mess. All of that stuff was tied to the issue of sexuality as Lucas felt confused and the issue of mental illness as Eliott felt controlled... here, it is added as an aside and the link is Noèe is Arthur’s gateway to this beautiful new community... but romance here is not necessary. It was chosen and it could have worked perfectly but I’m kinda sad they did it in this way.

Here, I’m so disappointed they have effectively presented Noèe similar to the way they presented Eliott (like an Even). She’s bold and beautiful and feisty and creative. She is a gateway to this new world and is kind and gentle and supportive. She had all of these sweeping beautiful moments and their chemistry was wonderful... but I couldn’t enjoy those moments because we have Alexia waiting in the sidelines.

It’s not the same. Alexis is a character who is loved. She is a character we know and have invested in and who has, traditionally, been sidelined in most remakes as the comedy female and often sadly focused on because of weight and actively dismissed because of it... and so we have emotions for her. We see her support and try with Arthur, offer him advice and love. We see how she doesn’t maybe get it perfect but goodness she tries to hard.

And we watch her for weeks be cheated on and lied to. It’s just so disappointing to me and doesn’t narratively make sense to me. It overshadows and taints the stuff with Noèe and rubbishes Alexia as a character... and for what purpose? The between two worlds idea was stark enough without romance included. It makes both romances, to me, seem unhealthy. Perhaps that’s the intention? If so, fine! If Arthur ends up alone knowing he has to navigate this himself then I’d understand him being flawed and struggling and making mistakes with both girls but I don’t think that’s what will happen.

I’m struggling to see the value of the way it has been done, sadly. I love messy flawed characters but stuff has to narratively make sense and all of the emotional stuff is there... I understand WHY Arthur would like Noèe, I understand their relationship, I understand Alexia and I could understand Arthur being torn but to do it this way not only makes us feel disappointed in Arthur, it presents Alexia as the scorned woman and reinforces all those stereotypes her character was sadly built on (aka that she will be second best or overlooked) and it taints Arthur and Noèe’s relationship from the outset. What a shame. Skam France seems to have a habit or doing this - they did it with s4. They push stuff so far that they end up achieving something that is so damaged or broken that by the end people find it difficult to be on board.

I’ve said it so many times but had it just been about Noèe then I’d have been 100% on board because she’s a dream!

And now to place a kiss directly after Arthur explaining how he has been physically (and no doubt) emotionally abused by his father felt crass! I get that it was an emotional moment but that’s a reveal we’ve been waiting for and a sickening one. That cut scene made me feel sick.

I’m curious as to how they will develop things. Obviously there’s a lot happening but I just feel disappointed that so many of the moments this season where we are supposed to feel something have either been repetitive, overshadowed by negativity or have been placed there for dramatic purposes rather than genuine movement in the plot. So so so much good has been done and I am so thrilled for the young Deaf community in France that they have so much of this season which had been meticulously researched and supported by those who know what it is to be deaf/hoh. That can only be a positive thing but I do feel like this season has lost its way, for me, and I’m struggling to engage in the way I normally would because of stuff I really don’t want to be focusing on... there are bigger more important things to focus on and it is all being drowned out with pointless and illogical relationship drama that truly isn’t needed. Anyway - let me know your thoughts! It’s perfectly ok not to agree with mine ❤️

[7hyuns]

sf9 as doms or subs;

warnings; nsfw, mentions of multiple kinks 

a/n; this is just a lil something while i use the free time i have to make a bunch of stuff for my drafts so i don’t have to leave u all in a drought like this again ! for this reason, i’m re-opening my requests again for a lil while so i can have more requests to choose from !! 

inseong; 

overall; 

ah the enigma

honestly? probably a dom

but he has switch tendencies……

so maybe i’m wrong

anyway the worst thing about inseong is that he’d be really confident even before you slept w him for the first time

like he doesn’t really have any worry because he knows he’s good in bed :///

but ur just like “haha ok sure i guess”

then when you first sleep with him you’re like…ok….ok. message received.

i feel like inseong is really in-tune with other people just in general

and as he always likes to remind everyone, hE’s VeRy iNtElLiGeNt

so he’d always pay special attention to what you’re reacting to

having said that he’s probably into experimentation

overall. idk whether he’d even really have a placement on the dom/sub line

he’d kinda just go with whatever both of you was feeling right at the moment

but i think, in conclusion, he’s more inclined to be dominant

kinks; 

honestly? who knows

i know these are My Brand but inseong is just so odd

probably wants to try all of them though

except! i really don’t think he’d be interested in any *extreme* ones

but if you were i think he’d try them out just for the experience

if he had main ones i think it’d probably be

overstimulation (giving)

mocking. n i don’t mean degrading i just mean he’d straight up mock you sometimes

punishments;

if he had any i feel like he’d try and keep it creative

or at least he’d try and keep you on ur toes with them

he honestly just wants to do ones that you’re still gonna get off to

like he would pay such close attention to which kinks you reacted to more

so he’d be like “what if i used one of your favourite kinks as a punishment. haha forget it. unless…”

so if you liked overstimulation. that’s what ur getting!

tbh i feel like any punishment that’s not being done directly for you just wouldn’t do it for him  

aftercare;

he’s definitely gonna wanna snuggle

n maybe give you a couple smooches

but he’s so cute :(( he’d probably wanna go all out if either of you had tried out a new kink

if he’s taking care of you, he gets you food, he gets you a drink, he’d probably wash ur hair for you if you needed him to

(a big thing for him would probably be you both being clean before going to sleep so :// good luck if ur lazy)

if he’s being taken care of, he’d just wanna have a drink n be cuddled. like he is officially baby and just wants to sleep and do nothing else

youngbin; 

overall; 

you know what it is!

he’s a dom. that’s it. that’s the tweet

he just exudes dom energy

but i think he’d mostly be a soft dom :)

just wants to take care of you n make you feel good !!

i don’t really think he’d be too pressed if you wanted to top him though

as long as he knew he was still the one making you feel good he doesn’t care how it’s happening lmao

always trying to control the pace no matter what

mfing laughs when you push his hands away

even when ‘s trying to be a cool, hard dom he can’t but go （￣ε￣ʃƪ）whenever you do something cute

my main point. even when he is being rougher or more dominant he’s a Soft Boy at heart and you could literally always get around him

kinks;

he loves hand holding bitch that’s his brand

neck kisses (receiving)

lowkey, but marking (giving)

not really a kink but he loves holding you up against a wall just to flex

i think he’d wanna have gentle n sweet vanilla sex sometimes |(￣3￣)|

praise!!!! compliments!!! hyping each other up for literally nothing!!!

light choking (giving)

punishments; 

honestly if you ever actually annoyed him enough for him to feel like he had to

it’d just be something he already knew you liked lol

he just genuinely doesn’t see a point in doing something that won’t get you off?? idk

if you really, really liked spanking he’d do it but honestly?? he doesn’t see it as a punishment

to him it’s just indulging one of ur kinks lmao

but he’d probably use overstimulation most of the time tbh

because then he gets to do his favourite thing ever – get you off multiple times with an easy excuse!!!!!!

doesn’t really like edging or orgasm denial because :// what’s in it for you

aftercare;

mwah you’re his baby!

would tuck you into bed if you wanted him to

gives you lil kisses and praises you

wants you both to just go straight to sleep

but he’d probably wanna go shower so if ur gonna go to sleep it’s gotta be without him until he’s clean again ://

(he doesn’t really like that though because he loves cuddling w you)  

dawon; 

overall; 

the most chaotic of the switches

says he leans more towards dom but is that really true?

it’d probably be pretty clear cut

but he’s also more lazy so sometimes he’s not into having proper roles

or sometimes he just wants to have giggly sex where he doesn’t need to think abt it too deeply

but when he’s a dom, he’s going for it!

probably more of a crackhead dom than a big tough mean one or even a (✿ヘᴥヘ) soft dom

like that meme of;

sub: does something they’re not supposed to do

dom: when will you learn?????!!!!! that your actions have cOnSeQuEnCeS????!!!!!

yeah that’s just how he’d be

but as a sub he’d just constantly deny that he was, indeed, a sub

you could be all sexy n say something like “who’s in charge here?”

and he’d just be like “me lol”

is crackhead sub a thing bc he’d be that too

kinks; 

body worship (receiving)

mocking (giving)

teasing !!! (giving and receiving)

restraining (giving)

begging (receiving)

biting (giving and receiving)

punishments; 

he’s not really into them too much

wouldn’t really have punishments for you unless you particularly wanted him to

but no punishments would go on for very long because he’s a lil impatient

but if you wanted to punish him it’d have to be something like overstimulation because he’s sEnSiTiVe

aftercare;

just wants 2 sleep

n maybe be the little spoon for once. just for comfort

gives you lil kisses

and mumbles praises that you can’t actually hear

then he would just fall asleep lmao he’s Sleepy

juho; 

overall;

big dom energy

i’m not too sure he’d ever particularly wanna sub but sometimes he’d be cool with you going on top

as long as he was still in charge of the pace and everything

but overall he’s quite stoic as a dom

mostly because he doesn’t know how to react but that’s not the point

he communicates with you mostly through Looks

and you’ll have to learn the further you get into dating him what each look means

but mostly he has a vague outline of rules for you that you’d kinda pick up pretty quickly

including a big thing for him would be: if u tease him in public he is now, legally, allowed to fist fight you in the parking lot

i think if anyone looked closer to you both they’d probably be able to see the dynamic he’s not subtle

but yeah in general i’d probably say he’s a lazy dom

kinks;

vocal command!!!!!! (giving)

choking (giving)

restraining (giving)

begging (receiving)

degrading (giving)

having his fingers in ur mouth

oral (receiving)

dirty talk (giving)

mocking (giving)

punishments; 

he’s a big fan of the old classics

mostly spanking because idk it indulges the pain kink he doesn’t wanna own up to having

he’d make you count each one

gets soft if you thank him

he thinks orgasm denial’s fun too but mostly just because it makes him feel like a Super Cool dom getting to have that much power

he doesn’t mind overstimulation but he’d rather use it as a reward than a punishment you know? he just doesn’t see how that could be anything other than good for you  

aftercare;

he’d be very organised

has a drink ready for you

probably wants you to shower or something but understands if you don’t want to

really he just wants to make sure you’re feeling good

as much as it flusters him he’d still wanna talk about what you liked/didn’t like especially earlier on in the relationship

will actually tuck you into bed if that’s what you want him to do

he’d probably be quite tired but if you wanted to stay up he would as well

mumbles that he loves you just as you’re starting to fall asleep  

jaeyoon;

overall;

if he breathes, he’s a thot!

but yes that is his placement on the dom/switch/sub line

he really isn’t too bothered about who’s doing which

he wants to try everything once

and if that means he’s being the sub, that’s fine with him!!!!

if it means he’s being the dom, that’s also fine with him!!!!

i think he’d be more difficult to handle as a sub because he wouldn’t ever necessarily feel like a sub

so he’d kinda just be in the sub position so he gets to have those experiences

which means you can’t expect him to react very much to you attempting to Actually Dom him

i feel like it would be a similar situation if he was being the dom

but he just slips more naturally into a dominant role (see: stage presence) so he’d be more comfortable that way  

kinks;

hm. his top ones would be

biting (giving and receiving)

teasing (giving and receiving)

praise (giving)

body worship (giving and receiving)

roleplay

sensation play (giving and receiving)  

bondage (giving and receiving)

lingerie!! (on you)

punishments;

none for either of you!!

aftercare;

his favourite form of aftercare is talking

not about your day or his day because you both already know that

because he’d get quite clingy after sex

so he’d probably wanna move to the living room where he’d left drinks out for you both

and then you would have to Discuss different topics he’d bring up

and that could go from “do you think the dinosaurs turned into aquatic creatures yes or no” to “i have found an unsolved crime case and today we will be solving it”  

rowoon;

overall;

i’d say he’s more inclined to be the dom

but honestly if you wanted to be the dom he’s not gonna be against it

his natural reaction is just to try and take care of you lmao

which means if you’ve got a pain kink he’s gonna get into an internal struggle

because on the one hand his biggest goal is to indulge as many of your kinks as possible

but then he’s :// because he’s literally terrified of hurting you

as a dom he’s probably very lenient and lets you get away with practically everything

he just thinks you’re so cute that nothing you do really bothers him lol

you could do something he directly told you not to do and he’d just be like “omg i can’t believe you did that :// anyway which kink am i indulging tonight”  

kinks;

is getting you off a kink? because he has it

praise (giving)

hand holding

love

oral (giving)

overstimulation (giving)

idk you getting whiny and desperate is a big thing for him

he’s probably got a size kink too man have you seen how Big he is

punishments;

he’s the type to say he’s using overstimulation as a punishments when he’s really just doing it because he’s got a kink for it

honestly very rarely punishes you

if you got him mad enough for him to spank you you’d probably have to have been annoying for a long time

aftercare;

you’re baby.

he’d do everything for you

gets you a drink, gets you something to eat, gets you clean clothes

is up to do anything you want to do

whether that’s taking a shower with you, changing the sheets while you took a shower, even if it was just making sure you had a drink and a warm blanket

he’d do it!!!

if you wanted to stay up, he’s prepared to sit up even if he’s falling asleep every time he blinks

if you wanted to go to sleep (he’s grateful) he’d let you lie on his chest and he’d make sure to stay awake until he knew you were asleep first

taeyang;

overall;

i know everyone sees him as a sub but. he’s a switch

i see him as one of the kinkier/more experimental members so i think it’d come naturally to him

he likes being the sub because he gets to feel cute and do less work

and he likes being the dom because he gets to feel cool and see you look cute

unlike the other switches in sf9, i think he probably gets quite into both positions pretty easily

and he goes all out for both of them

as a sub i think he’d be more on the well-behaved cute side of things

as a dom he’d just do everything he could to look Hot and make you flustered. that’s his brand baby

either way i think it’d be quite intense with taeyang

also i know this is off topic but he’s the best at oral in sf9. i don’t make the rules i just enforce them

kinks; 

choking (receiving)

making out. is that a kink? doesn’t matter he has it

overstimulation (giving)

orgasm denial (receiving)

teasing (giving and receiving)

praise (receiving)

marking (giving)

dirty talk (receiving)

eye contact

sensation play (giving and receiving)

temperature play (giving and receiving)

light pain (receiving)

lingerie (on either of you)

punishments;

if he was punishing you it’d be all about overstimulation

because it’s a big kink of his + technically a punishment so it’s a win-win situation

for himself i think you’d have to go with something like overstimulation as well

because if u spank him it’s just gonna indulge his pain kink and if u deny his orgasms it’s just gonna indulge that kink for him

but! he doesn’t particularly like orgasm denial so you’d have some luck there

aftercare;

would just wanna hold your hand and cling to you if you tried to move around and do stuff for him

if he’d been the dom he’d just be very attentive with you and not leave you alone lmao

depending on what you’d been doing he’d might make you take a shower with him

but if it’d been more chill he’d be happy to just go straight to sleep

if you wanted to stay up, he’d just come to wherever you were and put his head in your lap so he could go to sleep if he wanted to and still be with you

hwiyoung;

overall;

another switch!

not that he’d ever admit that he’d always just say “i’m a soft dom!!! never have i ever been a sub”

but he’s a liar so who cares

as a sub i don’t think he’d necessarily be extremely submissive i just think he’d find it very Hot when you took charge with him

as a dom i think it would take him quite a while for him to grow into the idea of actually being dominant rather than just being on top

as he gets more confident in your relationship he’ll get more comfortable in both positions

he’d kinda fall into the role of being a dom pretty easily because he’d just view it as taking care of you in a sense

but then again. he just really likes when you top him. he doesn’t really have an explanation for it other than “it’s hot :)”

kinks;

light choking (giving and receiving)

hair pulling (receiving)

finger sucking (giving and receiving)

praise (giving and receiving)  

body worship (giving)

oral (giving and receiving)

overstimulation (giving)

punishments;

he likes spanking but mostly because he thinks it’s hot

he’d use it as a punishment (only when he got more comfortable with being dominant) but honestly. he’s winning here too

i think he’d probably consider bondage a punishment for himself

because then he doesn’t get to touch you which is :///

and being blindfolded for him is a big downer because then he doesn’t get to even see you :///

aftercare;

he kinda. doesn’t really care about it if you made a mess

very much wants to relax

maybe not even sleep but he just wants a little while to recover lol

gets quite clingy

wants a lot of kisses

which would usually turn into a makeout session

and then you’d have round two because he has no self-control

and then maybe after that he’d wanna sleep

i think it would mostly depend on whether he was the dom or sub

if he was the sub he’s gonna want everything done for him lol

if he was the dom he’s gonna want to do everything for you

chani;

overall;

another enigma

probably more of a dom just because he’s impatient and likes having things happen on his terms

he wouldn’t really mind you being the dom as long as you did what he wanted you to do

by that i mean he has a big no for teasing

and for being mocked?? if you make fun of him even once he’s gonna go crazy go stupid

he’s quite lazy so he’d prefer to have you on top most of the time

but he’d always have his hands on your hips controlling the pace because he likes to know you can’t just stop or slow down to tease him at any point

very quick to get bitter if you try and tease him public or anything along those lines

he doesn’t really get too into the dom/sub thing he just kinda does what he does

only very occasionally would he be rough (see: when he can be bothered) 

kinks;

choking (giving)

oral (receiving)

light degrading (giving)

he likes hand holding but ur not allowed to tell anyone

dry humping

praise (receiving)

light restraining (giving)

punishments;

he’s not too into punishments

sometimes if you annoyed him he’d overstimulate you

or if you’d teased him public he’d probably deny your orgasms for so long you’d think he was never gonna let you get off at all

instead of punishments i see him being more of the type who’s rough with you when he’s annoyed

aftercare;

he clocks out man

he’s falling asleep as soon as you’re done

would pull you to his chest n press a few small kisses to your forehead

if he’d been particularly rough or used any degrading he’d mumble a few quiet praises and a few i love you’s

doesn’t really wanna move at all but he will if you particularly want to

would just lie in your lap and go to sleep if you made him stay up with you

[princestxrm]

Would you miss me? - Roman angst

Cw: Suicidal thoughts, mentions of ways to commit suicide, and Virgil being kind of accidentally unsympathetic, but that wasn't the intention behind it, implied prinxiety(? it can be seen as either platonic or romantic

Summary: Roman asks Virgil an important question "Would you miss me if I were to die?"...

I wasn't feeling my best when I wrote this, I haven't been feeling good at all for a while, so this might not be the best...  

All the sides were sitting down on the table eating dinner as per usual, except today Roman seemed awfully quiet, which is extremely unusual for the prince, he always seemed to have a story, opinion or comment to share with the others.

Virgil sighed turning his head to look at Roman who was just staring at his plate of food and stabbing the vegetables with his fork "You ok there, dude?" He asked

Roman flinched at the question "Uh, yeah, yeah… I'm fine, just thinking" he lied

"About what?"

"Everything…" Roman sighed

"Are you still mad about what Janus said?" Patton softly asked

Roman's grasp on the fork tightened "No" he lied again, this time being obvious to the others

"You know he didn't really mean it… Right?"

Roman sighed and Virgil gave Patton the 'stop talking' look

"Well, ok then, let's change the subject!" Patton smiled "So, Logan, how's your day been?"

Logan quietly looked at Patton quite surprised at the question "It's been quite all right, how has your day been, Patton?" He figured Patton didn't really care about how his day actually went, he just needed to start a conversation.

"Actually, really good! I was watching this video about cats and…" Patton's voice started to fade, Roman could only hear his own breathing at that point, his head hurt and his heart felt like it was about to run out of his chest, he felt someone touching his shoulder and suddenly his hearing came back

"Roman, Patton asked how your day's been," Virgil said concerned

His day had been awful, his thoughts were as loud as ever and he just wanted to end it all, but he couldn't really tell them that, could he? "Oh, it's been… Okay, I guess… Thanks for asking"

Virgil and Patton shared a concerned glance, Roman just focused on his food, Logan and Patton continued to talk, Logan seemed to be more quiet than usual, but still replied to Patton's comment the same way he always did, it just felt forced to Roman, like Logan didn’t really want to be there, he couldn’t blame him though, he himself didn’t want to be there either, Virgil just ate and eventually chimed in to make his usual snarky remarks

"Virge…" Roman pulled the sleeve of Virgil's hoodie to grab his attention, Logan and Patton weren't paying attention to them, they were instead chatting about Thomas adopting a pet, or something like that, Roman wasn't paying attention to what they were saying either.

"Yeah, what's wrong, Ro?" Virgil softly asked

"Would you miss me if I were to die?" Roman asked

"What?" Virgil looked surprised at the question "Die? How? You are a side Roman, you can't die, at least there's no way that I know of" he replied in a relaxed manner “If I knew how I would’ve tried it a long time ago” he snickered

"I can stop doing my job and slowly disappear"

"Ducking out? I already tried that," Virgil looked at Logan and Patton "trust me, they wouldn't let you"

Roman sighed "What about suicide?"

"Dude, isn't that kind of the same as ducking out?"

"...I guess" Roman thought for a moment "I mean, like hanging yourself or slitting your wrist, something like that"

"We are sides, I doubt that'd work," Virgil thought for a moment "Maybe I should try and see if it works sometimes" he laughed and continued to calmly eat his food

Roman didn't like the fact that Virgil wasn't taking him seriously and was instead making jokes and laughing about it, but no one ever takes him seriously, so why does it matter now? "Would you miss me?" He questioned again, Virgil just stared "Would you miss me if I killed myself?"

"Roman, are you serious?" Virgil now looked more concerned than ever, Roman didn't reply "Roman, please tell me you are kidding" Virgil took a deep breath "I thought you were kidding, I'm-"

"What's wrong?" Logan asked realizing the other two were having a conversation that seemed to be upsetting both of them

Virgil was about to reply but Roman interrupted him by smiling at Logan and happily replying with "Nothing! Everything's a-ok, Lo!"

Patton smiled back "I'm glad, kiddo!" he replied

"Well, this was an astonishing conversation, Patton,” Logan began standing up “but I need to finish some stuff if you don't mind," he continued

"Yeah, I need to go do some stuff too, see you all later, it's your time to wash the dishes, by the way, Virgil!" Patton exclaimed leaving the room with Logan in front of him, Virgil sighed at the realization that it was, in fact, his turn to do so.

Roman turned to look at Virgil after both of them left the room, his eyes went from happy and full of life to dull and empty in seconds, Virgil obviously realized this "I thought you were kidding..."

"You always think that…" he muttered, "I thought I could talk to you because I thought you would understand"

"I'm sorry" Virgil sighed thinking of a way to approach this  "Roman, I don't know if there's a way aside can die, aside from slowly disappearing after you stop doing your job, I think it's impossible for any of us to die" Roman looked annoyed at the explanation "Do you really want to die?"

"Yes," Roman replied without a second thought

"Roman you are a prince! You are supposed to confront your problems, fight back, not run an away from them"

"That's the problem, everyone keeps telling me what I'm supposed to do, who I'm supposed to be, am I not good enough?" Roman's voice was shaky, he was clearly about to cry

"That's not what I meant!" Virgil nervously clarified "It's just that… Running away from your problems isn't always the best solution… I’m sorry, Roman, I don’t really know what to say” he apologized

"It’s ok, Virge” Roman weakly smiled, he didn’t get an answer to his question, was Virgil just telling him all these things to avoid feeling guilty for his death or was it because he genuinely cared? Probably the first option...

“Also, what would Thomas do without you?” Virgil softly smiled “You are his creativity!”

“He has Remus.”

“Yeah, but Remus is… You know, Remus.”

“He would do a much better job than I do, and… We are honestly not that different, Janus said it himself”

Virgil looked at the ground trying to think of a comforting answer to give Roman, he took a deep breath “I don’t really know what to do to help you, Roman…”

“Help me die?”

“No, no! Help you not feel this way…” He sighed “I don’t know how to help you, but you need to understand you are an important part of Thomas, you can’t just leave us…” He looked at the ground and grabbed Roman’s hand “You can’t leave me”

Roman softly smiled at the gesture, this time it was a genuine smile, not a fake or forced one “I won’t leave you, but that doesn’t mean my thoughts are just going to go away” Roman realized how much easier it was for him to talk about this with Virgil, he wasn’t even crying, imagine trying to tell Patton he didn’t want to live anymore, that would be chaotic

“We are all part of Thomas, as much as I hate to admit it, Janus is just as important as any of us…”

“But he lied and manipulated us”

“I wasn’t perfect either, but with time and your help, I changed, I learned and grew…” Virgil took a deep breath “What I’m trying to say is that I am living proof that people can change, and as much as I don’t like him… At all, maybe giving him an opportunity isn’t a bad idea"

“But, I did give him an opportunity, and he used me… Again" he took a shaky breath, "He told me he loved me, he made me feel special, and as soon as he got what he wanted… He Compares me to my brother and calls me evil"

Virgil sadly smiled and grabbed Roman's hand "Roman… I'm sorry" he softly said

Roman looked at him confused "Why are you sorry?" He asked

"Because I didn't protect you" Virgil sadly looked at the ground "Roman" he firmly said as he looked up and cupped Roman's face with both of his hands "listen to me, we need you, I need you… so, please don't leave me… Because I-" Virgil thought for a while looking at Roman’s face, he had such pretty green eyes, they looked so sad… Roman's face felt hot, was he blushing? “I love you, Roman…You are amazing I don’t know what we’d do without you, we need you” After a few seconds of processing what Virgil said Roman started crying uncontrollably "Oh my god, Roman, don't cry!"

"I'm so sorry…" Roman replied between sniffles "I just needed to hear that"

Virgil smiled "You want a hug?" He asked

"Yes, please…"

[willel]

Random Season 4 Wishes

Here is a random list of things I want to see in season 4 in no particular order. Some of these are more like predictions than wishes, but at this point, any prediction made is just a wish. 

A break from all out romance. The romance wasn’t really handled all that great last season. Other than the looming monster danger, it was the forefront of season 3. I would like a return to a season 1/season 2 formula where while there is still romance, it is never the focus. Stranger Things excels with subtle tender moments and meaningful physical contact. 

Character growth over character drama. Another issue season 3 had is too much conflict between character. Hardly any of it really contributed to character growth. The only character growth to be seen is Mike being a little less clingy and El being a little more independent. Nothing else noticeably changed, not on screen. Conflict is important... but it should be pushing our character forward, not locking them in place. 

Recapture the importance of family. Our cast has been divided in two. The Byers + El are somewhere new while the others stayed behind in Hawkins. This leaves an excellent opportunity to revisit old threads long forgotten. I would love to see Nancy and Mike actually interacting. Not just one conversation or exchanging a glance. Full out brother and sister duo. I feel similarly about Jonathan with his own family. I would like to see a plot where all the Byers + El are in it together. 

Return of Kali. Kali, I feel, is a very important piece of El. While season 3 would have us forget her influence of El, I hope next season doesn’t completely ignore her presence. It would be interesting if Kali’s prediction comes true, that no matter where she hides or who she’s with, “they” will never let her live in peace or have a normal life. Not because I want harm to come to El, but because I don’t for a second believe the government is done with her or the other experimented children.

Proper strategist Michael Wheeler and proper action man Lucas Sinclair. I would like to see the return of the strategist Mike who always seems to have a plan and can get everyone on the same page. In season 3, he was fumbling around distracted. I feel normally, Mike would have set a trap for the Mind Flayer or would’ve formulated a proper plan to escape the mall or the cabin. In Lucas’s case, they did ok with him in season 3 actually, but it was really out of character for him to freeze up while El was being choked out. I want to see a more forward athletic Lucas. 

Will to make new friends. In season 3, we saw at least 2 of the 4 boys interests changing drastically and the other was all too eager to go off and hang around new people. Given Will’s situation (new town, new house, new school, distant old friends), I’d like to see Will gain some new friendships. That’s not to say he’d drop the old ones. They’re the OG after all. But, before all the drama of next season picks up, it would be nice to see Will being happy and acknowledged by new friends.

US Government becoming a threat again. Personally, I did not enjoy the Russian plot. Everything seemed like a joke. When the US government were the bad guys, everything felt more dangerous and dire. You never knew who was listening. Who was watching. What would happen if they found El or if they would hurt the boys and their families. Next season, I feel they could make the Russians feel like as much of a threat as the US government if both governments are clashing and in a race to the bottom. By that, I mean the government should become a major foe again racing against the Russian government to do bad things. Open a gate? Control a demogorgon? Allow the Mind Flayer in again? Both these governments should screw up equally. 

A slow return of El’s powers. I want El to get her powers back, but I want it to be a slow daunting process. It’s like she starts back at square one. She can move and pick up small things, but even that has taken her months. She’s stuck between being seemingly normal with no powers, but also missing the power she once had. 

Casual power training. As we know, Will is really into comics. El might be too since Max introduced her to them. A classic of comics is the super hero training to regain their strength or to become stronger. It would be really interesting if Will contributed to El slowly regaining her powers by setting up obstacles and challenges just for her. Maybe on the weekends, he designs a building and she must use wooden blocks/legos to make it with her powers. Or, build a house of cards. A game of darts using powers only. A game of catch. (I was going to say Jenga, but it looks like that didn’t get released in the US until 1987) Anything Will can creatively come up with that he thinks will help her regain her strength. (whether it does or not is up for debate) It’s mostly casual fun. Some bonding opportunities. Who doesn’t enjoy training the hero/super hero? (basically, it’s roleplay) 

Will’s power expanded. I am writing a proper theory page on Will’s/the Byers’s powers, but let me explain exactly what I mean here. It’s clear Will has powers, but they severely limited them in season 3. Examples:

Instead of only sensing the Mind Flayer when it’s nearby, he should be able to close his eyes, concentrate, and locate the center of activity

Will should have great insight into the Mind Flayer’s intentions even if it’s just honest guesses on what the Mind Flayer wants and what he’s trying to do (like in season 2)

Will’s danger senses should happen immediately, not delayed like we saw in the hospital or in the mall. He should be able to tell the Mind Flayer is coming for them from miles away or even across dimensions.

Will should retain true sight, the ability to see into the Upside Down. A dangerous ability to be sure, but can be useful if we’re going to have gates popping in and out around the world like what’s been implied.

Karen possibly discovering the truth. Honestly, Season 1 Karen is such a good mom. And in season 3, that discussion with Nancy was superb and beautiful. I would love for Karen to learn a little more what her two eldest kids have been up to. If not that, I’d like for her to at least give more guidance to her kids. I’d like for Nancy and Mike to vaguely come to her for advice and she’d grant it, no questions asked. (ok, Karen used to be very nosy so maybe she does ask questions, but takes a step back and respects their privacy)

Joyce to be believed right away. I honestly do not understand why people doubt Joyce, you know? She’s been right 3 years in a row now (Nancy too). I swear if anyone questions her intuition next season, she should give them her classic Joyce sneer until they realize how silly they’re being. In order of “alarm bells”, I think it will go like Will >> El >> Joyce >> Jonathan in quick succession. All 4 family members should be very sensitive to weird things as this point. 

Jonathan gets a plot. I want to see things from Jonathan’s perspective again. After season 1, we’ve barely gotten anything. I want to see Jonathan putting forth plans or leading the charge, at least for a little while. There is a great opportunity for this next season since he’s the man of the house about to graduate from high school if he hasn’t already. (*sobs remembering Will is taller than him now, officially). Heck, if we want to switch around the order of “alarm bells”, maybe Jonathan becomes alert of something wrong before Joyce does this time. 

Less product placement. In season 1/season 2, there was product placement, but that was because they were really setting the scene. It was 1983. This is what products used to be like. This is what was popular at the time. But season 3? They cranked that dial up 2000% when they didn’t need to. It really made it feel less serious and set in reality. Don’t dare use Lucas to spit out a damned Coke ad ever again. 

Genuine friendship moments. I’ve mentioned this earlier, but with less romantic drama and stuff, I’d like to see genuine friendships return. The El and Max friendship was great and all, but it’s really a shame it was so heavily focused on Mike. I hope in the future, these two girls are able to share screentime without the boys being mentioned or thought about. Same with the guys, it would be nice if they could hang out like before without splitting off into pairs or focusing entirely on their romantic lives. They don’t really feel like a friend group anymore, just a group of double dates (hence why I’d like for Will to make friends outside the original group.)

Proper use of the supernatural. Season 3 was weak when it came to the Mind Flesher imo. They had this whole idea of the Flayed who seemed to be totally normal (and sweaty) just walking around town living their lives until a flip was switched. Whyyyyy in the world weren’t they used to try to get at our cast? The only time they did it was in the hospital, but we saw dozens and dozens of people who could’ve served the same purpose except it could happen anywhere. Maybe there were other ‘patients’ in the waiting room that also turned on the kids that they had to fight off? Maybe strange people came to all their houses trying to find them or break in? They could’ve gone full creepy like season 1/2 but they didn’t. I’d like to see them fully use the horror aspects next season. 

That’s what I got off the top of my head.