#one of several reoccurring daydreams

[lazaruspiss]

Something something. A plot about dick not coming out for fear of bruce/alfreds reactions only for tim to come out about face absolutely 0 backlash. Que existential crisis.

[helenazbmrskai]

Textbook Love (m) - KSJ

Title [Textbook Love] previously known as Mr Dream Writer!

Pairing [Best Friend’s Brother! Seokjin x Writer! Reader]

Genre [smut, angst, fluff, best friend’s brother AU, friends to lovers, slice of life]

Summary [Loving your best friend’s brother is forbidden so what is even more forbidden you might ask. It’s writing smut about him. Can you still remain friends after he discovers your secrets?]

Words [11,6k]

Warnings [sexual content: oral sex (f and m receiving), morning wood, sexual tension, subby jin, dom reader, teasing, blowjob, lots of kisses, jin comes in his pants, possessiveness, dirty talk, fingering, unprotected sex, creampie]

Rating [+18]

A/N: Hii! Some of you might know this story (it was a series previously) but I made it into a one-shot and finished it also made some changes in the plot. Now that Jinie is home I wanted to write something about him. Please enjoy!

Masterlist //

Kim Seokjin. Jin or Jinie shortened for friends and family. Your bestest friend’s older brother and your current roommate of five months, nine hours and – a brief look at your wristwatch – twenty minutes.

He’s tall with shoulders as wide as the ocean. Could take over the model industry at any moment. But also born with a heart of gold.

He’s like the warmest of summers, the orange hues of the sunset. Shines so bright in the darkness of the night sky that you’re afraid of getting hurt if you dare to approach him carelessly but if he’s the sun then you’re the moon. The opposite that, unfortunately – doesn’t attract.

If it wasn’t obvious from the intro you put together, remind you, to read this from the first page of your diary you’re here to spell this out. You have the biggest crush on Seokjin. Ever since he caught you three years ago when you almost fell off of the cruise boat on a family vacation while mindlessly looking at the water below. You could still remember how it felt to be inside his arms. How quick your heart raced not just because of the adrenalin but by being held by him. Your back was pressed against his chest and his fingers dug into your waist to keep both of your balance. His breath hit the shell of your ear when he asked in his sexy voice are you alright. Your heart was beating so fast for him. You swear at that exact moment his mom knew what you were thinking.

You childishly filled several notebooks with his name on every page with little pink hearts and his handsome face became a reoccurring figure in your dreams at night. It’s cliché to fall in love with your best friend’s brother and sadly it’s not how the romance novels you like to read portray it where you fall but he falls harder. No –

That daydream ending doesn’t come near you at all.

So you write your own books instead where you magically fall in love with Jin and he reciprocate your feelings.

Jin never had a girlfriend after he ended things with his last one three years ago. He mostly dealt with his heartbreak by the time you started developing your feelings for him but the timing never seemed to be right to tell him how you feel. It felt like you were longing for someone’s love and attention whose heart isn’t available yet.

You did not dare to speak up.

Sometimes you can’t help it. Hope flares in your heart. His intentions are pure but you can’t help but put more meaning behind it as you see fit. You could chat about your days during dinner and sometimes his thumb wipes some sauce from your lips and your heart flutters. He asks if you want to hang out with the boys at the bar and his hand is on the small of your back guiding you to the table between busybodies. You shiver from the cold wind at night on your way home from bowling with your friends and his jacket is neatly laid on your shoulders a moment later. Small details that probably mean nothing to him whilst it’s everything to you.

There are times when you could picture yourself next to him, holding his hand and kissing his lips. You try not to let your delusions surface often. It’s too draining mentally. Left with disappointment in the end when he goes on a date or brings someone home for the night. The illusion shatters.

The brightest light burns out the fastest as they say. One day you’re filled with hope other times reality comes to you like a trainwreck. Some things are not meant to be and it’s probably you and Jin. Blah. Blah. Blah. You could talk about this forever if you had the time.

You spend most days outlining your plot holed up in your room. Keyboard smashing as you fly over the estimated word count.

Who knew that unrequited love could give you so much inspiration?

Writing and editing until your eyes dry out and your nose bleeds are how masterpieces are created in your opinion.

Living between the pages of your book certainly feels better sometimes than real life. Caffeine and food are your new lover at least they can’t hurt your feelings. You can hear the front door open and close from a distance when the apartment is enveloped in complete silence. It’s midday. He’s usually nose-deep in his work by now. If not he helps old ladies to cross the street or save kittens that got stuck on high trees aka living the life of an angel. So what is he doing at home? You hear keys clinking and a heavy sigh followed by sluggish footsteps.

Your typing ceases as your fingers hover over your keyboard as you listen. Should you greet him? He could be having a hard day.

Seokjin’s a polite and friendly roommate as you got to know him. He treats you like a good little sister. You don’t like it but you don’t have the confidence to raise questions about it. He’s a homebody just like you but likes his hangouts every-now-and-then. He’s neat and domestic honestly, the best roommate you had so far. A popular restaurant owner downtown who is not only sought out because of his looks but also because of his excellent cuisine. His wide shoulders carry a lot of pressure to do well with his business.

He most likely comes home from visiting the bank. He decided recently that he wanted to make the place more modern and renovate the kitchen and interior. You heard that getting a loan seems to be a bit tricky. 

Your mouth waters at the sight of Jin’s broad shoulders in a fitting white t-shirt and some baggy pants. You like his day clothes but you like them especially when he goes casual showing true boyfriend material looks with soft hoodies and plain t-shirts. Even when he comes home smelling like food and sweat you find him attractive. His eye smile melts you into a puddle especially when he catches you making his favourite comfort food after a long day at work.

You ask him today if he needs it and he nods already feeling better after the mention of his favourite muffins. You shoo him out of the kitchen while you start preparing to make the butter and he goes to take a shower before he returns to your side. You don’t need to ask if he had a bad day.

”You always know what I need. It smells amazing Y/N. Can I get a taste?” You try to keep your composure when Seokjin throws his arms around your body engulfing you in a back hug that brings the scent of his body wash to waft into your nose. Your heart is beating loudly in your throat and you’re hoping that the sound doesn’t reach his ears with his chest tightly pressed to you and his chin lying on top of your head. You want to melt into him – melt into the lazy circles he leaves with his thumb on your hipbone absentmindedly but you don’t let yourself completely relax afraid if you show how much you like it you will be too obvious.

The tip of his nose kisses the side of your cheek as you slightly turn in his direction holding up your spoon for a taste just like he asked.

”Hmn. Tastes good.”

Your entire body freezes up when he moans into your ear (fucking moans) and your panties dampen by the sheer sinfulness of the sound. Fuck. He’s going to be the death of you.

”S-Set the table, will you?” You hope he doesn’t put two and two together by the tremor in your voice. You’re his baby sister’s best friend there’s no way he would look at you the same way as you are looking at him.

”Sure. Finish up buttercup.” He squeezes you for a moment longer before he lets you go and steps back. Laughing at his own joke. The cold air that rushes back now that his body heat is gone makes an involuntary shiver run down your spine. He doesn’t notice any of your odd reactions. Thankfully. Seokjin skips into the living room like normal carrying two plates with him and forks.

The muffins are almost done.

”My publisher is hellbent on making me write about love. I was thinking of showing how friendship is important in my next book. You know have a somewhat action-based fantasy story as the protagonists meet with strangers and become friends along the way while going through hardships together, something similar like that. I don’t want to write a cute love story when I haven’t got a real boyfriend in ages. I know it wouldn’t be genuine and I would hate to let my readers down.”

At first, you asked about how his day was going but somewhere along the way he asked about your visit to your publishing company today and you had to rent about it. Jin listens to you carefully even though he has his own problems to solve. You don’t try to dwell on it long since you want to comfort him instead.

You know how passionate he is about his job and how he loves cooking and now he’s placed in a tough situation. You don’t have the time to worry about your nonexistent love life.

”You could never let your readers down Y/N. They love your books.” You place your fork down and reach over to grasp his hand in yours impulsively but Jin doesn’t mind. You want to intertwine your fingers so badly with his but you hold back he’s not yours to hold. You hate to see him upset like this. The snack is long forgotten as you both stop eating.

”You can still do it.” You’re confused for only a second before Jin elaborates. One hand goes over his hair ruffling the locks and making a mess.

”You could always try and meet someone.” Okay. Ouch. It’s true but hearing it from him is even more painful than the normal jabs you get from your best friend regarding this matter.

”I don’t need a boyfriend to write about love.” Because I’m in love with you.

You don’t offer him much more after that and he lets it go after a while when he realises you won’t budge on the subject. This is not a topic that you want to discuss with him either.

You’re working on something but that’s not how you pay your bills. Simple romance doesn’t pay as much. It’s written porn you write to your secret fanbase that Jin doesn’t know about on a site. You have a secret job that only your best friend knows about. You write smut on the internet and you have plenty of followers who tip you generously for your thirst posts.

Your popularity is all thanks to the built-up sexual tension because you imagine Jin doing those things to you. It will never happen in real life so you write it down and give the guy a fake name. Simple as that. You started your blog to keep your fantasies in one place but people seemed to love your filthy ideas so you kept going under a fake name.

Once you both eat your fill of the sweets you carry the plates to the kitchen. Jin insists on washing the dishes since you baked so you just stand by the side. Jin hums a catchy tune whilst cleaning and rinsing the plates. You always liked listening to his voice. He could be a singer he said he might be in his next life and you both shared a laugh. It’s domestic talking and doing chores together around the house.

This is how everything has always been.

“Your back is arching one hand is placed on your left thigh firmly to keep you open as two thick fingers enter you. You moan and struggle as Jinie’s pillowy lips wrap around your clit his hum travels to your core as he tastes you.

You gush around his fingers that pump in and out of your puffy folds. You want to see him devour you so you keep yourself open with two of your fingers in a v shape. He licks you from top to bottom looking straight into your eyes. He removes his fingers in favour to circle his tongue around your hole and his nose gently rubs on your clit with each lick and swipe of his eager tongue.

”R-Right there. I’m cumming.” Your hands hold onto his hair pulling desperately at the strands when Jin reintroduces his two digits and his lips travel up to suck on your clit. If he keeps this up you’re going to cum on his face. His hips rut against the mattress and his moans add to the pleasure of his tongue mapping out your swollen and sensitive folds. You sound so hot. ”Jin. Jinie. Please don’t stop...” You pull him closer desperately clawing at his wide shoulders as you nearly suffocate him with your thighs. Close. So close. Need a moment and –“

”What are you doing?” You jump in your seat when you hear Seokjin call out to you. You look over your shoulder pausing your writing to take in his form leaning against your doorframe.

You shut your laptop in reflex when he steps closer to see you better, you don’t want him to see what you were up to. You’re self-conscious even if writing smut is not your literal job. You sit with your legs crossed wound up from your words and imagination. He had to show up right before you wrote the climax. You haven’t heard him knock either. Did you get so lost in your head that you did not hear him at all?

”Writing.” You answer ominously.

Jin hums and takes a seat at the edge of your bed close to your little station. He’s not suspecting you at all. You roll around with your chair and face your handsome roommate.

Usually, he doesn’t come and visit you at night. Jin likes to keep to himself when sad to not bring down anyone’s mood so you’re surprised he decided to seek you out. It manages to put you in a good mood. He trusts you enough to show you his vulnerable side.

He looks tired.

You yelp when he rolls you closer to him by grabbing the armrest of your chair his head lands on your meaty thighs so close to your core that it involuntarily throbs. It was just moments ago that you wrote about him feasting on your pussy and this position is not helping to calm down your racing heart.

Jin has no idea what he’s doing to you and you feel bad for ruining the moment with your dirty mind. He’s here to seek your comfort and you just think about yourself. You’re so selfish.

Your fingers card through his hair and he sighs in contentment. ”Can I sleep here tonight?” You almost didn’t catch the words that he murmured into your skin.

”You can.” Your voice is soft as if you’re afraid to disturb the moment. Jin holds you by the waist and buries his nose into your lower stomach. He’s been touch-starved and while he knows it’s not right to touch you like this he can’t help himself. He needs the comfort of your body after a long day. He longs to feel someone’s body heat next to him. You don’t push him away – you never do so he doesn’t stop even when he spoons you from behind lying on your bed listening to each other’s breathing.

You dream of his lips and wide shoulders.

It’s so hot you can feel sweat collecting at your spine and brows as something warm is clinging to you from behind. You can’t get away from the heat something is stopping you from wriggling out of its hold. Your dream-dazed mind needs a minute to realise what’s pressed against you and emits so much heat and when you do your entire body freezes mid struggle.

Right.

You let Jin into your bed last night. He’s like a furnace. You tilt your head backwards careful to not accidentally wake him up whilst you try to make a mental plan in your head on how to get out of this position. His hands are placed dangerously down on your body holding you by the hips and when he squeezes you suddenly you jump a little getting pressed on him more in the process.

Your t-shirt got rolled up during the night till your stomach was not covered by the fabric anymore. His hands are in direct contact with your skin and you can feel his warm touch cage you against him.

You’re outright panicking when you can feel his boner press into your buttcheeks. Sleepiness is long gone from your eyes.

This sounds like the beginning of one of your cheap smut stories. But you swear it’s not. You vaguely remember writing one about two people sharing one bed one of your favourite tropes to write about when they got stranded at a motel because of the weather. Your protagonist woke up just like you with a morning wood rutting against her whilst the boy was still living in a wet dream.

Jin isn’t moving though. He’s just pressed against you. His breath is not laboured at all as relaxed puffs of air hit your earlobe. He’s deeply asleep but his body is certainly awake and ready to nut. If you would be one of your characters then you might have the courage to press back and grind your ass into his cock. He feels big against your rearside even if he’s tucked away in his underwear.

You really want to move but you know you shouldn’t. If he accidentally wakes up you will be in big trouble.

Your attempts to escape are futile. Jin doesn’t let you go out of his hold and your struggle only makes him pull you closer and create some friction between your bodies. You let out a loud gasp when his cock accidentally rubs harder against your ass as you try to get away.

You settle down and wait. He’s probably waking up. His brows are furrowed and his mouth is jutted in a pout.

You let out a sigh of relief when he doesn’t. Looks like he got tired of you trying to get away and disturbing his sleep because he lets you go and turn to the other side of the bed. One of his hands is tucked under his head as he sleeps.

You shouldn’t feel as disappointed as you do when you get up and leave the room to get ready for the day.

You would have loved to feel him rub one out. You would have gladly let him use you but it’s for the best that nothing happened in the end. You leave the house early that morning. You needed some space to calm down and you had to go somewhere anyway. It’s ridiculous how worked up you got just because you felt Jin’s cock against your ass.

What’s even more concerning is that you have no difficulty meeting up with his sister and having some breakfast together.

If she knew what kind of thoughts you have about his older brother. She would certainly kill you but you try to keep these thoughts at the back of your mind for now as you focus on your important conversation. You shoot down another one of her blind date offers as usual at this point saying no is like a reflex to you.

”You like someone else, don’t you?” Your grip on your mug tightens and you look up at her like a deer caught in headlights after listening to her sudden question. At that moment you knew that you fucked up.

”I knew it! Who is it? Do I know him? Did you ask him out yet?” You avoid making eye contact with her as she rambles on and on about your mysterious love interest.

It’s your brother. Yes, you do know him. No, I don’t have to courage to ask him out and I don’t think I ever will.

You answer her in your head but decide against saying any of that out loud.

Instead, you say something even worse for her imagination to run wild: ”It’s complicated.”

”Is it a married man? I promise I will never judge you. You can tell me.” You gasp in horror when she starts speculating, giving you that look again that you haven’t seen since college when you had that crush on that jock from the swim team senior year. They were wet and hot in your defence every woman’s weakness. Everyone who tells otherwise is a liar.

Her hand finds yours on top of the table to console you but you pull away with a disapproving look.

”Oh my god. That’s not it!” You pick up some fries to shove into her mouth before she can speak more nonsense.

It’s annoying how she tries to nitpick everything you say just because you said it’s complicated it doesn’t mean it has to involve a married man or a sugar daddy! It could be worse than listening to her trying to figure out your mystery crush. At least she has no idea it’s his brother that you have secret feelings for. You shudder just by thinking of this morning with his dick wedged in between your buttcheeks.

It’s futile to think about the what-ifs. Nothing would have changed if you decided to stay or not a little longer. You just saved yourself from some awkward conversation where you would be friend-zoned or worse, sister zoned! You’re way past the point of feeling guilty about thinking about Jin whilst you’re with your best friend. You’re not concerned as you get lost in your head. You never really breached the topic with her but you know she wouldn’t be thrilled for you to have the hots for his brother. It’s stupid but her reaction when one of your friends brought up you dating him in the future is still a sore spot. Them. Together? Yikes. Childish, you know it but it still affects you more than you would like to admit. Not that Seokjin would ever return your feelings.

”Are you excited about our trip?” Glad for the change in the subject you let out a relieved chuckle. Genuine excitement showing on your face.

Of course, you are excited!

It’s been ages since you went to Jeju except for that one family vacation and this time it will be just you the girls and the boys – no parental supervision. You yourselves are grownups. Just friends on a summer trip. Everyone has been busy and working hard so some time to unwind will do some good for all of you. It’s also nostalgic as the first roots of your affection towards Jin bloomed on the Island as well. You’re excited to go back now that you’re all mature.

The problems you had back then seem to be minor things compared to what adult life rolls your way as a challenge. You share some excited chatter about the resort she got her hands on. You heard it’s quite spectacular and has a beautiful view of the ocean. You collect your trays when you’re done and head to the mall to buy some bikinis for the trip.

Time always flies by when you’re together and you step into your shared apartment with Jin in the late afternoon with a heart less heavy.

It’s still one of the favourite parts of your day. When you can smell the freshly made food and be greeted by Jin’s smile as he asks you to join him in the kitchen. You move in sync preparing the dishes seamlessly as you know what the other wants. You cooked together so many times but your heart still flutters when he prefers your help in the kitchen even at gatherings.

”You left early this morning.” The knife in your hand halts for a moment but you regain your composure rather quickly. You keep cutting the vegetables in relative silence as you try to come up with what to say and pour the cut pieces into a frying pan to stirfry, acting busy. You didn’t think he would comment about your sudden disappearance. Did he miss you? Was he disappointed when he didn’t find you in his arms anymore? Or. Is he testing the waters? He probably woke up with a boner and was wondering if he made you uncomfortable but doesn’t want to create an awkward situation by asking you outright. Right? That’s probably it-

”I was just getting ready for the trip tomorrow. Jiah and I went shopping. We didn’t have anything to wear to the beach.”

Seokjin acknowledges your words with a small hum as he’s focused on marinating the beef sprinkling it with various spices.

”Can’t wait to see you in it.” His smile is innocent and his intentions are probably as pure as snow so why are you blushing so hard? You and Jin saw each other in swimwear and went to the beach with mutual friends before but your approach the previous years was more cute than sexy. You don’t know what possessed you to go all out this year but Jiah whistled when you came out of the changing room. She said whoever your secret crush is he’ll probably go blind from your beauty so you’re counting on that.

***

”Hey! Nice of you two to finally join us.” You completely ignore Jimin’s jab at how late you are when you get to the airport. Jin rolling both of your suitcases. You don’t offer an answer; you’re all used to his teasing.

Your eyes are only halfway open when you lean on your best friend’s shoulder to support your weight. You’re not a morning person it took a lot of persuasion from Seokjin to get you out of bed.

Your earlier entrance made some of your friends suspiciously giggle and talk in hushed whispers. The fan club – as they like to call themselves. They have been shipping you with Jin since the first arrangements that you become roommates and while you show your disdain every time you secretly love the attention put on you two.

”Cute.” Hanma giggles when she saw you holding onto Jin’s shirt following him in.

He offered you the edge of his shirt to hold onto in hopes that you two won’t separate as you try to make your way to the guys inside the busy airport. He could see that you were still half asleep and he was afraid of losing sight of you in such a big place. He gave you occasional glances and slowed down his steps to match his pace with you.

He never fails to make your heart flutter with sweet gestures like this. He helps you with your luggage and carries your passports to show at the gates. Some might confuse him to be your boyfriend – Jin is naturally nice so always corrects the people politely but your heart sinks every time he smooths over the mistakes of other people.

You’re surprised that he choose the seat next to you and not one of the guys, beating your best friend to it. They played a childish game of rock paper scissors to decide who will sit next to you and in the end, Jin won.

You try to ignore the butterflies when he smiles so widely at you. You live together so you grew naturally closer – at first, you were surprised how people person he was. He was rooming with Yoongi for a long time but when he decided to take a further step in his relationship and move in together with his sweetheart, Jin had to look for another place and your roommate conveniently moved out not that long ago. You always wondered if it was fate. It seemed like a dream and most of the time it was.

You cook together and watch tv. A lot. He coaxes you out of your room to do things like watching his favourite dramas or just hang out and go bar-hopping with his friends. Simple things like that. Many pros but there are cons as well.

You think that you mastered your poker face when he occasionally brings girls home for the night. You never see them again but the fact that the walls are thin and you hear them moan his name makes the ugly head of jealousy roar to life.

You want to be the only girl that moans his name. Not only moan but – hold his hand, laugh at his dad jokes and make him feel good until his toes curl and he loses his mind. You want to be his girlfriend but it’s wishful thinking on your part.

He’s eight years older than you. He never dated younger girls and his last girlfriend was five years older than him. He likes mature older women – not girls like you in their early twenties.

”You’re always together Jin! Don’t think you can steal my best friend from me! She’s mine!” Jiah whines when she loses at the game and you have half the heart to make a peace offering when Jin pokes his tongue at his sister childishly.

Right. Mature.

”Enough. Both of you. I’m not anyone’s possession. Just sit next to each other. Final decision.” They both try to protest but you’re already out of your seat.

You find one empty so you make your way to the back and sit next to Namjoon. Finally some quiet and peace.

He gives you a sympathetic smile and pats the seat next to him for you to take and you do – gladly.

You enjoy his company and he’s been always easy to talk to. He let you cry on his shoulder when you broke up with your first boyfriend that no one knows about. It was messy. It was a secret relationship – not that you two dated for long.

Namjoon is the only one who knows about your feelings and to this day he kept your secret. You have a special place in your heart for Namjoon. You both confide in each other to tell things that you’re not comfortable telling to other people. You’re not the only one with a secret as he had the biggest crush on your best friend for years.

She’s oblivious to his attraction and it’s clear that Namjoon always has her best interest at heart. He doesn’t want to reveal himself in front of her and put her in a weird situation. The things he does for her are subtle – if you didn’t know of his feelings you would probably never pick up on the little things.

In a way, you’re both sitting in the same boat. There are nights when you two secretly hang out and talk about your crushes. It always feels good to ramble about them and get it all out so it’s a tradition by now.

”You can rest on my shoulder.” You hum in contentment his voice is nice and soothing it doesn’t take long for you to go back to sleep resting against Namjoon’s shoulders as he reads his book in silence.

Jin and Jiah bicker for a while – pointing fingers at each other about who was the cause of you to just leave them but quiet down when Namjoon scolds them and emphasises that you have already fallen back to sleep.

You and Namjoon made a promise not to try and get each other’s hopes up but that glance Seokjin shoots in your direction make him think. He’s been pretty much glued to your side and he knows for a fact, that he didn’t have a woman over for a while now. You always complain about them being loud but you didn’t for the last couple of weeks.

Namjoon looks at Seokjin’s approaching form suspiciously.

”Relax I won’t disturb her but she gets cranky when she’s not resting on her favourite pillow.” He lets him cradle your face between his palm softly and carefully place the pillow behind your head.

Jin gets a few locks of hair out of your face and places them behind your ears and a smile makes its way onto his features unknowingly.

”Tell me what you want.” You play with the hem of his shorts. Strong thighs quivering under your careful fingers. Your mouth is stretched into a vixen smile – moan softly when you picture a big fat cock to stretch it out instead.

”W- We shouldn't.” You lightly scoff. His mouth forms the words but his hips still jut when you ghost your touch over his prominent bulge. He wants you. You can feel it. Your gaze is feral as you look at Jin like a meal on a silver platter. He won’t stop you from touching him his mind keeps telling him to stop you but he won’t because deep down he doesn’t want to.

He wants you to whip out his dick and roll your tongue over his cockhead. Taste the precum of his desire. His eyes are blown out and his chest is moving up and down rapidly at the sight of you on your knees between his spread legs. Despite the position, he’s the one that’s wrapped around your pinky finger.

You know that look too well as you caress his clothed thighs running your fingers up and down in a soothing manner. He’s overthinking again.

”I can stop if it’s too much. I want you to feel good Seokjinnie. You don’t have to feel guilty.” Jin jumps when your head rests on his left thigh your breathing is shallow and calm – nothing like the hammering of his chest. His heart works overtime to pump his blood through his veins directing the flow to his cock rather than his head to think.

”N- No. Please don’t stop.” He catches your wrist when you give him some distance. Thinking that he’s pulling out of the situation. It prompted him to finally answer – and it’s truthful. He doesn’t want to stop in spite of everything in him screaming that he should.

His feelings are conflicted but his fingers weave themselves into your messy hair and gather it into a low ponytail. You feel like the forbidden fruit tempting him and leading him to his downfall. It’s only a thin wall separating your bodies from his sister sleeping next door. Unbestowned to the sinful actions of the two most important people in her life. What kind of brother he is to want his sister’s best friend’s mouth on his cock?

His eyes focus on the object of his desire, your lips. Pink and swollen from biting. Your tongue pokes out to slick your lips to glisten and make them more inviting.

”Tell me that you want it. If you don’t you have to tell me now.” Of course, the last thing you want is to stop but this is not just about you. It’s better to stop now than for him later to realise it was a mistake on his part. You wouldn’t be able to handle that if he did.

”I shouldn’t- I really shouldn’t want your mouth wrapped around my cock but Y-Y/N I w-want it so bad.” You hum grazing his inner thighs with your nails.

”You can have it. My mouth is yours to take.” Seokjin blushes but nods. His fingers shake as he undoes his pants and gets his underwear down his legs showing you his hard cock. It’s dripping the pink tip is swollen as beads of precum bubble out from the small slit. You put your mouth around the round head and taste him for the first time –

”Y/N. What is this?” His tone makes you wince. He never talked to you like this before – with anger laced with his tone. His ears are red and his eyes are distant when you keep looking at the floor avidly avoiding his harsh stare that pokes a hole into your head – hoping to gain some confidence to reply. This is your worst nightmare.

Him finding out – nonetheless this way. His reaction twists the knife in your heart even more.

You look over the words on your open computer. Your heart seizes in panic as you look between the hard lines of his forehead and your filthy words – practically telling him everything that you tried so hard to keep as a secret for years.

”I’m s-sorry.” Don’t know what else to say. Seokjin nearly growls and runs his hands through his hair as if it would decrease the humiliation of his finding. His thoughts are all over the place. The considerate boy is long gone when his harsh words pierce through your bleeding heart.

”What are you sorry for huh? Getting caught or writing porn with my name?” You flinch when he drops the laptop on the bed with a loud thud. He was never violent. The thought of you thinking about him that way disgusts him this much?

You’re lost for words as Jin walks up and down in your room trying to calm down. The tears you tried to keep at bay fall freely when his words hit you.

His frantic movements stop when he hears a pained sniff. His glare softens when he sees you cry and he bawls his hands in a fist to keep himself rooted to his spot. His first instinct is to comfort you but he’s still distraught by everything he read.

”Delete it.” This is the only thing he says before he slams the door behind him.

Your soft cries fill the room. He hates you. You should have been more careful. Shouldn’t let him be in your room when you weren’t around. It’s too late for that now. He hates you – he’s probably disgusted by you.

After he stormed out of your room that night you barely have seen him. It certainly put a damper on your vacation plans but you can’t blame him for reacting that way. It makes you sad that he opted for avoiding you all together rather than talking to you about it.

You tried to apologise but he didn’t take too kindly at you for visiting his room so you gave him the time alone that he needed. Namjoon is the only one who you told what happened and he offered to knock some sense into the boy but you pulled him back by his hands to leave it.

Namjoon is a good friend to the both of you and he could understand his reaction but the way he talked to you was not justified.

He kept by your side during the whole trip and you were glad to have some distraction from everything that happened. You were existing in the same room during the activities but he never even glanced your way or addressed you.

It felt like you were invisible that the friendship you built just crumbled like that.

You dreaded the day that you had to go back to your apartment. You tried to hide your disappointment when he asked Jimin to let him crash at his place for a while. You know he will move out sooner or later. It felt like your friendship was unsalvageable at this point.

You even told Jiah that you like his brother. She kept asking about what happened between the two of you. The tension could be cut with a knife and everyone noticed how the two of you drifted apart when before you were almost inseparable. She was shocked and you expected her to yell at you too but to your surprise, she took the news quite alright.

You had a heartfelt conversation while you both cried your eyes out. It felt good to tell her everything despite the situation. Whenever you thought about Jin your heart squeezed painfully. You haven’t seen him for at least a month now. Legally you still shared the apartment but you know he’s been looking for another place to stay. The last time he looked at you was when you were in your room after he discovered your erotic story about him. Jiah was your rock – and Namjoon too.

You could tell that they grew closer because of you, they talked more and hung out without you. You were hopeful that at least they got together in the end. They took really good care of you and you were really grateful for them to help you feel better.

You announced your indefinite hiatus on your blog and while some were noisy the majority of them wished you good luck with whatever you were struggling with. You were thinking of deleting the whole thing.

You buried yourself under work and continued on your real projects.

You were in the kitchen having some late-night snack. What you didn’t expect is for Jin to show up one day at your door he kept fidgeting with his key as he tried to coordinate his movements and slide the key into the hole.

He was flat-out drunk. His eyes are glazed over in a drunkness hue and he is swooning like he could trip over his feet at any given moment. You haven’t seen him act like this ever – he’s completely shit-faced. You want to give him space knowing that the last thing he wants is to see your face so you abandon your snack on the counter and try to leave but he doesn’t let you get too far.

Your eyes grow wide when he pushes you against your door before you could slip away into the comfort of your room. His breath smelled like he consumed a lot of whiskey on his night out and you don’t think your assumption is too far-fetched from the truth.

It breaks your heart that he has to be this drunk to even face you.

”You’re drunk. You should lay down.” You place both hands on his stomach to keep some distance as he sways.

It wasn’t the most coherent but you could get the gist of his words that would awfully sound like: ”I bw-read your blog. All offfff it.”

You look away in shame – ready to hear him yell again but he doesn’t. He forces you to face him with a firm grip on your chin.

”It bwans’t jsut sex. You swaid you likeed me.”

You try to push him away and get some space between you but he doesn’t relent. Who would have thought that he’s so strong while drunk?

”This is something we should discuss while you’re sober. We will talk in the morning. As, if you’ll be still here.” It was pointless to mask your hurt and he could see that. You looked hurt and thin like you were not eating properly.

The empty fridge seems to be a big hint of that. His head pounds from the headache but he could remember everything from yesterday.

You took care of him. Helped him lay down on his bed and even got him painkillers with a glass of water to sit on his bedside table for when he woke up.

He didn’t think about you at all or your feelings until Namjoon beat some sense into him. It was too much and too sudden. He was fighting these feelings and discovering your dirty little secret just made it all blow up in his face.

He was too deep to think about how his words affected you. He knows it won’t be enough to earn your forgiveness but it should be a good start. He makes some breakfast and waits for you patiently to appear.

You come out, blinking away the sleepiness when the view makes you stop in your tracks. You rub your eyes again in case you’re still somehow dreaming.

Seokjin. Standing in the kitchen, cooking. It’s something you haven’t witnessed for the last few weeks – it feels foreign to see him flip a honey brown pancake on their other side. To be truthful after he left you haven’t felt like cooking (it reminded you too much of him – you used to do all the cooking together and it felt wrong to do it all alone) mostly living off of fast food or eat at your friend’s place if they offered.

”You’re here.” It comes out as if you’re in disbelief and – you are. Seokjin was drunk yesterday. You thought it was a mistake that he came home and would surely leave in the morning before you woke up.

You didn’t think he would be here.

”Yes. Are- are you hungry?” He asks carefully as if you’re a wounded animal that could flee at any given moment. He could barely look you in the eye and it hurts. It’s never been so awkward before and you hate that you made it this way. The tension surrounding your body has a strong grip on your throat. It’s your fault that things went South in your friendship. You don’t even know it could be fixed anymore.

”S- Sure.” You take tentative steps into the kitchen and sit down opposite him. He places two servings down and you eat silently with a gaping hole in between. Usually, you would sit close to each other but not this time, there’s no easy banter or laughing either. It’s all so still.

”I- uh so, uh. Fuck, it’s hard. I guess what I want to say is that. I’m sorry.” Jin places his hand on top of yours – you two always used touch as a comforting gesture – but you pull your hand away without thinking. You think you saw hurt flash in his eyes but he looked undeterred in making up with you.

”It’s ok. I should be the one who says sorry. It was improper of me and it will never happen again.” You look away, your moves are mechanical as you slice into your pancakes. You’re not hungry and the food tastes like paper in your mouth. You miss the dejected look on his face while you focus on your plate.

He should have known it won’t be that easy to get things back to where it was.

He hates that you look so defensive and uncomfortable being in the same room. He deserves this reaction. Namjoon’s words ring in his ears like a mantra.

The way he acted and yelled at you was so unlike him. He said things that night that he didn’t mean and regretted. Namjoon told him how it wore you down while he was confused with his feelings – he hurt you badly. You can’t even look at him now and he hates that he did this to you. He misses your smile.

”No, it’s not okay. I’m sorry for yelling I didn’t mean the things I said I regretted saying them the minute I did. I read your blog and- y-you said that you like me. Is it, true?” If you didn’t know better you might think he looks hopeful. But what he said stuck in your head on repeat. [What are you sorry for huh? Getting caught or writing porn with my name?]

”I did.” You settle for that answer for now. Seeing him again and how painful it is to even be in the same house opened your eyes to how wrong it was for you to fantasise about him. You will make yourself stop liking him. This is the only way you can still salvage your friendship. He’s clearly not interested based on his reaction and you couldn’t blame him.

”The past tense means? You- don’t like me anymore? I-Is it because of what I said?” Jin seems nervous and somewhat, disappointed in your answer but you don’t let your mind linger on that for long. This is for the best.

”I want us to forget about this. This is how we could be friends again.”

You get up and leave but there was unmistakable sadness carried in your eyes. Your pancake is nearly untouched you only took two bites and Jin slumps in his chair sighing. He wanted this conversation to play out differently.

It took too long for him to figure out his own feelings. It looks like he’s always a beat late when it comes to you.

Jin cringes when he thinks about your conversation that happened half a day ago.

”That sucks man but at least now you’re on speaking terms again.” Seokjin sighs. He half-heartedly agrees because he did move back into your shared apartment but it’s far from how it used to be. You’re distant. No more cooking together you don’t even watch shows together on the couch after your late-night writing sessions.

If he’s not going out of his way to see you he bet you wouldn’t even leave your room. You’re only a door away but it feels like there are oceans between you now.

You said you’re working on your book and he knows it’s the truth because your blog is deleted by the time he tries to check it out again.

You meant it when you said you want to forget about the last couple of weeks and while you pretend it never happened – it’s clear that it still bothers you. You’re avoiding him. Even in friend outings, you’re barely speaking to him and choose the seat farthest away from him. Everyone noticed the shift in your dynamics but no one dares to comment on it. Namjoon advised him to give you time, you’re probably just feeling embarrassed and he couldn’t blame you when he reacted that way. The things he said – he wishes he could just turn back time and take a deep breath instead.

He felt betrayed when he first saw your writing and he felt embarrassed that people all over the world read about sexual things with his name in it he replayed what happened at the hotel numerous times and he regrets everything.

Ever since he played with the thought of you and him in the same sentence it became clearer that he could actually picture it happening. Too bad he’s weeks late and now it seems like you will never open up to him again.

”Barely. She’s still avoiding me Joon.” Namjoon finds his older friend’s pout comical.

”Clearly since you’re out drinking again. You know that if you get drunk it doesn’t mean the situation will solve itself.” Of course, he knows it. Jin annoyingly sighs again and Namjoon has to bite his lip to not tell him to stop whining and instead do something about it.

”I’m just so lost about what to do.” Jin swirls his drink looking intently at the bottom of his whiskey in case the key to his problems will be somehow buried under the fifth cup of alcohol.

”Well – did you try to apologise?” Jin snorts. Namjoon could barely hear his answer murmured under his nose. ”Of course, I apologised that was the first thing that I did.”

”Did you explain to her why you reacted that way? That you given it a thought and you would like to try something if she’s still interested? Did you tell her that?”

It’s the following silence that has Namjoon shake his head in disbelief. For the first time since he arrived, Jin looks up from his drink and looks kinda panicked.

”S- She didn’t let me explain.” Even he knows it’s a poor excuse. The truth is he chickened out. You used the past tense as ‘liked you’ and he felt too afraid to say anything. He was confused for the longest time if what he started feeling after you ignored him was genuine or if he was just missing the normality you two always had. He’s afraid that things will change drastically and he would hate to lose you.

He’s still not a hundred percent sure but he probably never will be all he could do is try and see what happens. That’s life. There’s no guide on how to live your life just like there’s no guide to tell him if things would work out between you two. Things are already not normal between you. Even if he hates to admit it he wouldn’t be able to go back to just being your friend anymore after knowing the truth about your feelings. He just needs to take a leap of fate and hope for the best. It’s also easier said than done.

”You need to try until she listens. She deserves an explanation Jin. As I see it she probably avoids you so you couldn’t reject her again. She doesn’t know that you’re not trying to do that she only goes with the assumptions your little outburst created in her head. The only way you can fix your relationship with her is, to be honest. Tell her how you feel. She’s not a mind reader you have to spell it out for her to understand.”

Jin knows Namjoon is right. The question is what he’s going to do about it.

Jin also knows this is not the best time to initiate this conversation but he decides to knock on your door after standing in front of it finally done contemplating.

Your eyes are tired but widen when you see him and while your lights are off your laptop gives off a light behind you that indicates you are still awake. It's 3 in the morning.

Jin smells like alcohol again, but he doesn't seem as hammered as when he first came home. He almost looks painfully sober.

"Did you just get home?" Unsure what to say you ask carefully. Your fingers grip the door until your knuckles are turning white. You're wearing black shorts with a tank top and you're clearly not wearing a bra as Jin can see the outline of your breasts.

Realising his mistake, he focuses back on your face thanks to the dim lighting of the place you didn't notice how he was ogling at your chest a moment ago.

Even after talking big to Namjoon not an hour ago in the bar about how he's going to confess to you being in front of you makes the words escape him and lose all confidence he had left. You look so pretty in his eyes dressed in casual clothes.

The worst that could happen is hearing your rejection. Jin wouldn't blame you after all he said and done. However, things can't go on as they are now. The distance is killing him and he hates how you avoid his looks or touches when it was welcomed before.

"I want to talk to you about something. Can I come in?" He gets it out after some silence and you seemingly contemplate accepting it. It's late and he is drunk. As if he could read your mind he's quick to assure you he didn't have that much tonight. He wasn't even out for that long.

"Alright, come in." You sigh tiredly and you step away to let him in. You don't want to have this conversation right now but you know that Jin is stubborn and it's best to hear it now than prolong this painful thing you have going on. You hate this, it's awkward you don't know how to react to his words or how to move according to his touches. You're ridden with guilt thinking that you created this situation but also angry with Jin. After avoiding you for a month he's back and acting like nothing happened between you.

You motion for your bed for him to sit and you take a seat on your rolling chair. You keep sitting opposite him when before you would always sit beside him but he doesn't say anything as he's the only one to blame for this. Of course, you're heartbroken and angry. Jin is very bad when he has to confront someone or a situation but he needs to do that or else he might really lose you forever, if you haven't already given up on him but he still has hope that you will say yes.

"I know I said this before but I'm really sorry for hurting your feelings. I don't even know what I was thinking but what I'm sure about is that after not seeing you I started to think about you more deeply. I never thought about you that way I admit it but after constantly thinking about you I think I actually like you." His words are not the best to express his thoughts but he hopes you can interpret them in a good way. Your expression is not that bright so he tries to help the situation while mumbling more words.

Trying to make things right desperately.

"If you're only saying that to..." You don't have to try and finish your sentence before he's quick to correct it.

"No! Um, no. That's not it, I'm not just saying it because I want to smooth things over. I miss being with you. I miss you so much and I hate that you avoid me now even though I know I deserve it. I'm sorry Y/N, I'm really selfish. I want to have your love again even after I said that. I know I am late but I swear if you give me a chance I'll try my hardest to make you fall in love with me again." You're too stunned to react when he suddenly gets on his knees to beg for forgiveness as his last attempt to convince you. Jin clasps your hands and squeezes them.

"J-Jin." He doesn't let you pull away as he holds your hand against his cheek. "You can stand up." You put your other hand on his shoulder feeling weird about seeing him on his knees. You didn't have time to fully grasp what was happening.

If he did this two months ago you would be over the moon. Is he saying what you think he is saying?

"I won't until you forgive me. Y/N please." You feel pressured but on the other hand, you still have those butterflies in your stomach. You don't think he will let up if you ask him for more time to consider so you silently consider your options now.

He did hurt your feelings but you know Jin would never lie to you. You believe that what he said now is the truth. If he truly considered your feelings and feels like giving it a try with you. You could take one and give your heart a chance.

This time you won't need to hide it anymore. Your friendship cannot go on as it is - and even if in the end it doesn't work out you could at least say you tried your best.

"Alright. I will forgive you Jin." You cup his face with both hands. Jin looks up at you with a silly smile at seeing your expression soften and he pulls you down for a puppy kiss.

It's nothing but lip on the lip but it's finally happening. Jin is kissing you.

You smile into it before it can deepen but neither of you minds it. "Are you going to get up now?"

You help him up after he nods. He lets out a little laughter feeling good after you accept his confession. Both of you just stare at each other after that in the middle of the room unable to move.

"Good night Jin." Unsure what to do you think it's best to leave things at that. It's almost 4 am. Seokjin can sense your hesitance even though you cleared your feelings it's clear that you don't know what you're allowed and not allowed to do.

"Can I stay? I missed you a lot." Jin pulls you close by holding onto your waist. He can feel it on his skin how your heartbeat accelerates as he closes the gap. He kisses your jaw and your fingers tighten around the material of his shirt.

"S-sure." Unable to resist his charms you agree to sleep together. While Jin goes to change his clothes and shower you tidy up your room a bit. You're already under the covers when Jin comes back. The last thing you feel is how he kisses your cheeks and whispers a good night before you close your tired eyes enveloped in his warm arms.

The next time your friends gathered you showed up with Jin hand in hand. After the initial shock wore off everyone congratulated you and Jin on your newfound love. Some things changed but some aren’t. He’s still as sweet to you as ever, you cook together watch movies and talk late into the night but your relationship now has a bonus that you were unable to experience in your friendship. The kisses.

When you’re talking with your friends he sometimes kisses the top of your head pulls you close to his side or holds your hand under the table. Just some subtle romantic actions but they make your heart flutter. There are times when Jin comes home from work and you greet him with a sweet peck. Sometimes it grows into a makeout session. With you on his lap and your fingers in his hair feverishly exchanging kisses on the couch. Or when you’re getting ready to bed he pulls you close under the covers and kisses you until you’re breathless.

Today is one of those days when you two get carried away with the kisses. Jin had a stressful day at work. Some people complained that the food was bad and he had to smooth things over when a waiter got into an argument with a customer. The first thing he did when he got home was hug you close and breathe in your calming scent. You could tell that something was bothering Jin but you hugged him back and offered him your comfort. You didn’t think things would get this heated.

Jin suddenly kissed you like you were the air that he desperately needed to survive he hungrily started to devour your lips until they got swollen and pink. Before anything could escalate you always find a way to stop. If Jin initiates the make-outs then you always put an end to it before the clothes could get unbuttoned.

Jin read the blog and read all about your fantasies so he knows you’re not particularly shy or innocent. At first, he just thought you were not ready and he wanted to wait for you so he never mentioned anything but now he thinks differently. He heard you one morning when he had to come back for his keys when you thought he left for work you pleasured yourself in your shared bed he could hear you moan his name. You always stop before anything could get too heated and he thinks it’s because you’re afraid to initiate anything sexual not because you don’t want to but because you’re afraid to appear too needy.

Today he’s not letting you get away.

He stops you from getting up from his lap. Jin knows that you can feel his bulge underneath you. Continues his kisses down your throat to your collarbones that poke out from under your t-shirt. Your fingers grip his wide shoulders as you try to remain calm, small sighs escape you as he keeps peppering your skin with his wet kisses. You want to roll your hips to get some relief but you’re afraid you wouldn’t be able to control yourself anymore if you did. This is exactly what Jin wants though. He pulls you impossibly close bucking his hips up to you with a firm hold on you he rubs his clothed cock between your legs until you start to soak his lap. Pushing his tongue into your mouth he swallows your needy sounds but he’s no better at keeping his voice down. The small whimpers that escape only fuel your arousal. You swear he knows what he’s doing to you. You try to get away before it gets too much but Jin desperately clings to you as if he reads your mind he opens his mouth to protest.

“Don’t stop please.” Jin continues to guide your hips pushing you against his fully hard cock he wants to take it out already but he holds himself back. His doe eyes meet your half-lidded ones as he chases the friction he craves.

You bite back a moan when you take in the sight under you. He’s so perfect. He holds onto you tightly like he’s afraid you will disappear. It feels like your concerns were unfounded after seeing the unlimited desire in his passionate eyes. You were afraid to have sex with Jin after what happened before. You thought he thought you were dirty after writing sex scenes with his name. It seems like you were wrong. He doesn’t think you’re dirty or undesirable it’s clearly written on his face what he wants.

You relax into his embrace and kiss him lovingly. You want to give him everything he wants. You put your hand above his heart you can feel how his heart beats fast under your palm getting under his spell you continue your journey down his stomach until you catch the side of his waistband and play with it. You explore further your kisses reach his neck your teeth and tongue create dark marks on his skin as your fingers palm him over his clothes. Jin’s hand tighten around your waist he lets out his sounds freely appreciating the care and attention you willingly give to him. Molding against your body he becomes putty in your hands.

“You’re so pretty Jinie.” Shyness blooms on his face at your compliment he buries his face into your shoulders moaning when you increase your hand movements. He’s getting so worked up by your little touches. Your tongue darts out to lick a long stripe up his neck lastly pulling his ear between your teeth. “My pretty baby is getting close? It feels like you’re about to burst. You won’t let anyone else touch you like this right? Only I want to see you like this.” You grab the side of his face with one hand forcing him to open his eyes and look at you.

Your fierce gaze makes Jin gulp down the accumulated saliva in his mouth. He opened it to answer but he could only let out his moans. It’s hard to form a coherent sentence when your hand rubs him so well. You won’t let him get away with it as you push your thumb into his mouth and press on his tongue. Jin can only whine as your finger gets coated in his saliva his eyes stay unfocused as you rub harder. He feels this incredible tightness in his lower stomach signalling his approaching end.

“Tell me that you’re mine and I will let you cum. Be a pretty boy and say it.” Your fingers leave his mouth so he can tell you. He tells you with tears glistening in his eyes the pleasure is too great to handle as he comes in his pants.

“Yours, only yours.” He pants whines and whimpers his whole body shakes as you guide him through his orgasm.

“My Jinie.” You kiss him swallowing his noises. His heart skips a beat your possessive side only adds to your appeal. He never heard you talk like that you say the most sinful things and he loves every second of it.

He doesn’t have time to feel embarrassed about cumming in his pants as you keep devouring his lips your desire growing bigger as you get frustrated as you’re soaking wet and didn’t do anything to relieve yourself.

You only pull away to get rid of your clothes. Seeing your naked body Jin feels the blood leave his head and travel down to his cock. Getting harder again. Jin parts your folds with two fingers his lips are on your neck tasting your skin as he works your pussy. You’re so wet his fingers glide on your sensitive skin easily. One finger sinks into you while his thumb keeps rubbing your clit eliciting sweet moans from you.

You clamp down on the finger inside getting close to your release. Your face is tucked into his shoulders. Jin watches as you ride his fingers slipping a second one inside at the same time you pull him out of his pants and wrap your hand around his shaft.

You kiss and moan into each other’s mouths building a steady rhythm together. You stop his fingers before you could cum around them.

“Want you in me.” Jin nods eagerly pulling your hips up until your opening is aligned with his tip. You sink down slowly feeling each vein and twitch of his cock as it gets buried inside your wet heat.

You ride it fast and deep chasing your end that got denied before you didn’t need much to reach it. It took some swirls of his finger on your sensitive clit to pulse around his cock and milk him with your release. The wetness provided an easy glide Jin could guide you up and down his cock easily until he cums deep inside you a few minutes later.

“You feel so good.” You smile into the kiss. This was way better than your imagination. Kim Seokjin. Jin or Jinie shortened for friends and family. Your bestest friend’s older brother and your current roommate of nine months, nine hours and – a brief look at your wristwatch – twenty minutes and now your new lover.

[problematic-alters-unsilenced]

Sending this about our old primary protector/host, because she got treated like shit for a bunch of things (including but not limited to just doing her fucking job).

(I have permission to share this information)

TW: Dehumanizing language, villainizing protectors, source neg (dsmp), RAMCOA mention and discuss of a few types of abuse (in no great detail). (Sorry if the tw is bad, we’re terrible at telling what would be triggering or not)

From august of 2022 to about this time last year, one of our frequent fronters was a c!Technoblade introject. She isn’t source separated because she doesn’t want to be and her source brings our system comfort. She was also the start of our syscovery.

When we were finding out that we were a system we were dating two people (both also systems) one who we’re still with to this day and love very dearly, and an abuser who we (and our remaining psys) broke up with in January/February of the following year.

Now, when we got into these relationships we had no idea we were a system, neither did our current psys, but our abuser was aware of his own. I’m not going to go into detail but the host of our ex psys (I’ll call him L) hated Techno (she has another name that she uses also but for privacy I’m going to be calling her Techno), for no obviously reason. From the first time they met back in august 2022 (mind you, she was regressed at the time of this interaction) he went out of his way to trigger her, and just be an absolute bitch for no reason (this is likely because Techno was the only one around back then with a spine who would fight back). He would say incredibly dehumanizing things to and about her (like saying that her partner was only good for keeping her ‘tamed’ and things like that). L and his system also made no effort to keep various alters in our system from being abusive to us and our psys.

Whenever L or his system would start shit, Techno would slip into full front to try and shield the rest of us (which never worked very well since we were in the early stages of even understanding how our system functioned). On several occasions these fights would be initiated by L’s system letting people who shared the DSMP source into front specifically to hurt people in our system or our partner system. This would continue to be a reoccurring thing moving forward with our second ex psys.

Before I go forward, I’m going to touch on her source memories for a moment. Back at the time this happened, we were all very source attached (because we were young, didn’t know any better, and at the time our main form of escapism from the abuse we were suffering at home was just, near constant daydreaming about our fixations. We don’t do this anymore). Techno’s source is fairly similar to canon dsmp? Other than her having feelings for one of her sourcemates that weren’t canon and certain traumatic experiences being exaggerated. Now, we went through RAMCOA/TBMC when we were young, though we didn’t know this at the time. We also didn’t know that her source memories were cover up for our trauma. Both of our ex psys’ used knowledge of her source to trigger her, whether it was by bringing up things that happened, weaponizing her weaknesses, or just straight up letting introjects of people who hurt her front specifically to antagonize her (mind you, these were the people who taught us to villainize problematic alters).

She was also sexualized by L and others in his system. People in L’s system threatened to hurt and even kill her for various reasons. She was just doing her job to protect us and ultimately she was a large part of getting us out of both abusive relationships.

With our second ex psys it got worse, because at this point we had already dealt with L for coming up on a year, and we couldn’t cut him off immediately for various reasons that I won’t get into. There was a slight overlap between us meeting our second ex psys (I’ll call them LB) and when we broke up with L, but they never met. We didn’t officially become psys’ with LB until a few months later, though.

Techno disliked LB immediately, and she didn’t do much to hide it, but she was civil when she could be. The issue with LB is that their host was dating one of our persecutors, we didn’t know they were a persecutor at the time (they aren’t comfortable with their name being shared, so im just going to refer to them as the persecutor) because we didn’t realize we were being actively harmed by their constant presence. Yes, constant, because LB pretty much demanded that they (or one of the other alters in our system that was dating one of their alters) be in front at all times when we were able to talk to them. This persecutor and Techno fought at least once a week (persecutor would antagonize and pick fights, Techno did the one thing she knew how to: retaliate. These fights had to be broken up by gatekeepers and protectors several times). Whenever these fights would occur, the persecutor’s partner would villainize Techno and treat her like a terrible person. LB also had alters who were DSMP sourced that would front pretty much exclusively to torment us.

Then, later, when the actual relationship started to go down hill and Techno would stand up for us (and our partner system) she got called selfish, a monster, and other just terrible and out of line things. When we finally broke up with LB, they gave front to a crying little who started calling acting like Techno was the Techno from her source and trying to guilt us into staying. We didn’t fall for it, we’re stronger than that, but it was horrible to bear witness to.

It’s been more than a year now (the start of this month marked a year since we broke up with LB) since we’ve been away from both L and LB. The kicker though? After we broke up with LB, the alter in their system (calling them R) went OUT OF THEIR WAY, to find L through mutual friends. Last we heard, they’ve been dating since last august and both are still completely terrible people. It’s been hard shit to get over, but in the last year we’ve grown a lot and our living conditions (inside the system) improved drastically. We don’t have issues invoking persecutors anymore because we 1. Don’t automatically treat them like the devil, and 2. Actually give a fuck about helping them. And our relationship with our wonderful psys is now almost two years long.

I’m sorry about how long and weirdly worded this was, it’s very early in the morning and our memories of both relationships are sparse at best. But shoutout to Techno, because while she was a frequent fronter she was pretty much the glue holding us together. She’s the reason our parents finally sent us to school after years of keeping us completely isolated from the outside world. She only fronts occasionally now (mostly just helps out with the littles in headspace these days) but she’s a hero to us, and I wanted to share her story.

SHOUTOUT TO TECHNO!!! She fucking rocks, oh my god!

Shoutout to all of you! Toxic relationships suck ass and I'm so glad y'all are out of them!!

[childeproof]

doing the self insert lore questions,, but i’m not rbing op bc they’re a pr*shitter. fuck outta here. anyways just blabbing about sacha ( genshin s/i ) tbh!

Q: is there a character from their source who isn't/wasn't originally an f/o but that has lore connections to your s/i? in other words, a (potential) f/o for lore reasons?

A: i think maybe scaramouche would fit this one? but i can’t even begin to conceive the idea of sacha liking him romantically, only ever platonically as a close friend or brother figure. i imagine that it wouldn’t be purposeful, they just happen to grow close via their connections with childe + them both being in the fatui. after sacha leaves the fatui, scaramouche ends up becoming wanderer— so he remembers sacha, but because of him wiping himself out of ( basically ) everyone’s memory, it doesn’t remember him. i never intended for them to be friends, but i genuinely can’t imagine them not being this odd pair of pals now, lol.

Q: if your s/i is used for multiple f/os, how would all the timelines look if displayed together?

A: currently i only ship sacha with childe & neuvillette, so it would be like three major periods: in fatui arc ( childe ) , post fatui arc ( neuvillette ) , fatui reunion arc ( childe ) , and then maybe a poly relationship afterwards. most of the time i think of neuvillette’s relationship with him as a short but passionate relationship that ends up being a tragic thing bc neuvillette is only an “ in between “ thing for sacha. he ends up going back to his “ true “ lover, childe in a good 80% of my thoughts.

Q: do you have several timelines in your selfship? if so, describe them. alternatively, do you imagine your selfship in different stages of the relationship?

A: i have a few different timelines! the “ main “ one or the one i operate in most of the time is a timeline where sacha leaves the fatui, becomes a famous conductor, has a short relationship with neuvillette, then goes back to childe. his backstory is consistent amongst all timelines btw, so i won’t get too much into it. secondary timeline is one where sacha stays with neuvillette. third timeline is one where sacha stays in the fatui & is actually the one to kill signora in order to prove loyalty to the tsaritsa + rise and become a harbinger. in this timeline i imagine he’d hunt after scaramouche for “ reasons unknown to even himself “ ( it misses his pal, basically ). childe still loves him but sacha is a lot more intense and freaky.. naturally. more timelines on the way, probably.

Q: what is your s/i's backstory? how does it make them meet your f/o(s)?

A: sacha lovell was found in the woods of fontaine by arlecchino & was adopted into the hearth program. he basically grows up in the fatui, being known for his beautiful voice in the chorus and his willingness to bite. also, it was found eating from a wolf’s carcass. his mother was dead in the snow nearby.

Q: any major changes in your selfship lore over time? if so, compare how it used to be with how it's now.

A: not really! no major changes because i like his wolf symbolism a lot. might play around with location ( snezhnaya instead of fontaine, maybe ) and time frames ( i imagine arlecchino to be much older than childe, so sacha’s adoption comes a little while after childe’s acception into the fatui, they grow up together ) ( sacha’s adopted FAR before lynette, lyney, & freminet in my mind ).

Q: any favorite reoccurring scenario?

A: i keep thinking of sacha going on dates to the opera with neuvillette,, like that’s their spot. they frequent it so often, they have their own personal seats practically. childe wise, i like to imagine them in the fatui as two older teenage boys who don’t understand that their “ friendship “ is like actually just a gay relationship. but it doesn’t matter! they don’t need labels yknow? there’s a playful innocence with it.

Q: are you more of a "has everything written down" self shipper or a "what happens in my daydreams STAYS in my daydreams" self shipper?

A: the first until it comes to anything suppperr personal

Q:alternatively, do you have tons of s/i lore or just wing it on the spot?

A: usually lots of s/i lore! it’s one of my fav parts of selfshipping :3

Q: au time! pick an au of your ship that you have thoughts for and talk about it. if you can't decide, pick it randomly.

A: 2000S PUNK ROCK X CLASSICAL PREP AU. childe is a punk rocker in a band called the “ fatui “ and sacha is a prep who is training / learning to become a conductor! except, childe is his teacher’s nephew, so they see each other & bicker sometimes. everyone in childe’s band knows he’s whipped btw. also i imagine they’d either be juniors - seniors in highschool or freshmen in college, and they’d go to the same school or college, whatever. so they just keep running into each other, especially now that they know the other exists. childe with piercings.. yummmm. good ol’ “ enemies “ to lovers ( they don’t actually hate each other but ew punk! vs ew prep! )

Q: free pass! tell a fun self ship lore fact or just talk about anything of it that comes to mind.

A: fun fact.. if sacha was alive modern day he’d probably be wolfkin like theriokin ( ? I think I misspelled it ) and childe wld be foxkin. predator animal coded boyfriends.

[girlyaois]

💌, ❤️, and 💭 for your spn S/I!!

💌 - any major changes in your selfship lore over time? if so, compare how it used to be with how it's now.

oh man! yeah, theres been some big changes over the years.. she sort of evolved alongside me, and its lore changed to fit what i needed at the time(s). i believe the concept of being part demon part angel was always a thing, but i developed what that means for him over time, how that works, etc. at first he was essentially just some lame transmasc kid (kid in the way a 20 yo is a kid) with a father who was king of hell and a boyfriend who was an archangel. i didnt even have the castiel stuff developed yet... now, the lore and relationships get a bit complex because ive played around with so many ideas. she's now essentially castiel's twin/sibling but in the complex unlike humanity way that angels would experience siblinghood? it chose to fall, leaving cas behind, but he always watched over her during her time as a human. most of it at least. after his 2nd fall, becoming a demon, and "meeting" castiel (again), they don't recognize each other. it takes a bit and some weird supernatural plotline about souls and angel grace for that. + now i have a bunch of au's where i ship myself with different characters, 4 fun. (fun fact, i kept accidentally imagining crowley calling me his daughter, and it kind of aided in me realizing i was genderfluid/bigender & not just a trans guy. the s/i's gender identity changed to match as well (: )

❤️ - any favourite reoccurring scenario?

a bit embarassing but the #1 reoccurring scenario is just several different ways of me being comforted by my familial f/o's. mostly crowley, sometimes cas or the winchesters, if i were braver id think about rowena. my evil grandma. a scene that plays pretty often in my mind is very self indulgent "being grounded by castiel/cas supporting me through Mental Horrors"

i also like thinking about lucifer being obsessed with me a Loottt like lol you want me soo bad. but also like. the mutually toxic cishet (despite not being cis or het) couple trope where im psychologically war-faring him. its ok and ethical hes literally satan and a deadbeat dad. but i love him ^_^ ... but embarassingly pt 2 a very reoccuring daydream involving him is just him being genuinely sweet & loving .. satan is capable of love too guys

i keep going back to daydream about my self insert's time spent as a human girl, running away from home, selling her soul to crowley, (and most importantly of all) how that relationship develops with time, and the awkward beginnings of a young girl imprinting on the king of the crossroads who did NOT sign up to be summoned by a teenage girl just because shes lonely.

LATE SEASONS BUNKER SHENANIGANS!!! i play around a LOT with imagining im annoying the winchesters or that theyre annoying me in like. almost a slice of life way in the bunker. i mess around with a lot of random magic ideas too , ive got a bunch of random "episodes" written out in my mind cuz i wanted to think and giggle about unfortunate magical spells. brb turning dean into a hamster

💭 - are you more of a "has everything written down" self shipper or a "what happens in my daydreams STAYS in my daydreams" self shipper?

im the "wants to write a full length novel about my s/i one day but i have adhd" self shipper. ive written nothing but i want to beam my thoughts into everyone elses minds. you will watch supernatural rewritten with me in it boy

[huntinglove]

Hoi!

⏳ - do you have several timelines in your selfship? if so, describe them. alternatively, do you imagine your selfship in different stages of the relationship?

❤️ - any favourite reoccurring scenario?

💭 - are you more of a "has everything written down" self shipper or a "what happens in my daydreams STAYS in my daydreams" self shipper?

For Napstablook?

-@redwingedwolves

Hi hi!! Thank you so much for the ask!!

⏳ - Do you have several timelines in your selfship? If so, describe them. alternatively, do you imagine your selfship in different stages of the relationship?

Usually I don't have many timelines for my selfships, but when it comes to Undertale and it's multitude of AUs, it's definitely fun to explore multiple ideas and how they'd work in each timeline!

For the main timeline Ermy is a human living on the surface, they meet Napstablook once the barrier is broken and the monsters are freed. She slowly becomes close to them and eventually they start dating!

Once they actually have a lot of trust and love for one another, Napstablook asks Alphys to make them a robot body, so that they'll be able to touch and interact with Ermy through means other than possession

In different timelines they'd choose to remain a ghost and in some of them Ermy is a monster herself, so they meet before Frisk comes to the underground

❤️ - Any favourite reoccurring scenario?

I love imagining Ermy and Napstablook enjoying some music together. Both of them laying on the ground, eyes closed and just relaxing while listening to a song they made specifically for her!

💭 - Are you more of a "has everything written down" self shipper or a "what happens in my daydreams STAYS in my daydreams" self shipper?

A little bit of both! I usually have all my selfships pretty fleshed out because I interact with my F/Os' sources multiple times while I develop my S/Is

I usually just keep my daydreams to myself until someone asks for more information about my S/Is and selfships! But there's also some things I share spontaneously because I'm excited to talk about it, others will never see the light of day...

[maxs-deactivated]

I just came across this wonderful ask game by @selfshipdorito and thought on giving it a shot! Please check the original post, as I have removed one of the questions, I just didn't have an answer for it lol.

♥︎Self ship ask game!!Undertale edition.

👥 - is there a character from their source who isn't/wasn't originally an f/o but that has lore connections to your s/i? in other words, a (potential) f/o for lore reasons?

Papyrus I guess, since Sans and him have a really strong bound I just came to the conclusion he would become my lil bro as well.

⏳ - do you have several timelines in your selfship? if so, describe them. alternatively, do you imagine your selfship in different stages of the relationship?

Yes!! I definitely prefeer the timeline the barrier is broken, I love those cute little mundane things, like going to the market or to the park w my boy. But there's also the one Frisk never got out of the underground and we all just live hapilly there, going to Grillby's every now and then, hanging out in Waterfall and things like that :) and as much as I want to talk ab the genocide timeline, I think it's too angsty to put here

Also, I love to think about us as an old couple! Yeah, I know Sans technically doesn't age, but for me he does, idk, something in him changes. I love to think about when Frisk is an adult and comes to visit, Paps being a police officer, MTT being a global star, UGH I LOVE ALL OF THEM.

📖 - what is your s/i's backstory? how does it make them meet your f/o(s)?

(Idk if I should talk in first person, I will anyways lol) welp, my mom was a monster and my dad fell down on the Underground, they fell in love and there comes me!

Ofc me and my boy met at middle school, just two nerds who chatted about school subjects and movies, we'd always hang out after school and I'd be always at his place. Past forward, on high school, we finally realized we had a thing for each other, and now we're here!

💭 - are you more of a "has everything written down" self shipper or a "what happens in my daydreams STAYS in my daydreams" self shipper?

What happens in my daydreams stays in my daydreams, but don't get me wrong, I love writing ab it, I'm just too lazy lol

💌 - any major changes in your selfship lore over time? if so, compare how it used to be with how it's now.

Oh boy! My s/i's lore used to be so wierd, I'd fall down as a teen and Sans would have found me hiding around alleys in Snowdyn (??) Just didn't make any sense at all, so I changed it all for the better lol.

❤️ - any favourite reoccurring scenario?

Just coming home to them all, Frisk drawing on the kitchen counter while Paps makes spaghetti and Sans' sleeping on the couch. As I said, I LOVE mundane scenarios.

🗃️ - alternatively, do you have tons of s/i lore or just wing it on the spot?

I like to keep it simple, yk? As to not get confused w the canon lore

⚔️ - au time! pick an au of your ship that you have thoughts for and talk about it. if you can't decide, pick it randomly.

OH. MY. GOD. YES!! I don't really know a lot about any of the AUs but I know the basics for underfell, I like to think of my s/i extremely badass to the underfell lore, just constantly hanging around to make sure Sans' okay and to force Papyrus to take it a little bit easier on him.

🎫 - free pass! tell a fun self ship lore fact or just talk about anything of it that comes to mind.

Fun fact/headcanon: Sans' just a wonderful dad to Frisk! He's ready to put on a princess costume if Frisk ever ask him to play w them, and he's also more than ready to throw hands with a kid or an adult that messes w Frisk! I love their dynamic so much.

[mysticdragon3md3]

CANONICALLY QUEER ANIME CHARACTERS THAT I REMEMBERED BUT WEREN'T ON THIS ARTICLE'S LIST:

Date Masamune Daley Wong Motoko Kusanagi Jakotsu Toru Shiro & Saya Monou Toya Kinomoto & Yukito Tsukishiro Tomoyo Daidouji Subaru Sumeragi & Seishiro Sakurazuka Utena Tenjou & Anthy Himemiya Juri Arisugawa & Shiori Takatsuki Suletta Mercury & Miorine Rembran Kenjiro Hato Sailor Uranus & Sailor Neptune Fatora Venus & Alielle

Have these poor otaku not heard of Date Masamune? Famously bisexual historical figure with MANY anime and videogame portrayals? Half his dialogue with Sanada Yukimura in "Sengoku Basara" (2009-2011) is just flirting. Heck, last year, I saw a little kids' anime with a Date Masamune cat whose whole gimmick is having a crush on the male main character cat! I just watched episode 6 to refresh my memory, and Masamunya is daydreaming about marrying Nyanpire!

And what about Daley Wong? He is canonically gay. Do otaku these days not know about "Bubblegum Crisis"???? That was standard issue anime watching when I got into anime! A fundamental scifi series! It even got a remake, "Bubblegum Crisis 2040", which didn't change Daley's openly gay status.

Motoko Kusanagi from "Ghost in the Shell" is canonically gay. The movies may skip over that, but the longer format series usually show her girlfriends or have her coworkers mention what a womanizer she is. I'm a little confused about that episode where she talked about having a childhood crush on a boy---the one who was hesitant about getting a prosthetic body because they weren't dexterous enough to make origami cranes at the time---while the rest of the series seems to portray her as a lesbian. So I'm not 100% sure if she's gay or bi.

There's also Jakotsu from Inuyasha. Not a regular character, but part of the Shichinintai (Band of Seven) who were reoccurring antagonists for several episodes until they were defeated. Maybe a little stereotypey, but a canonically openly gay anime character.

CLAMP has several gay couples. Unfortunately they do like to use them for tragedy, unrequited love, and the "bury your gays" trope.

We've got "X" (series known as "X/1999" in English localization) with Toru and Saya. A lesbian couple so in love that when it was prophesied that Toru would die, giving birth to the Sacred Sword at the Togakushi Shrine, Saya found a loophole, married the Shinto priest at Togakushi Shrine to ensure she would constantly be at that location, and thus became the one who died instead of Toru, giving birth to the Sacred Sword. I think the anime changed things so that Saya said she fell in love with her husband Kyogo Monou instead, or downplayed her feelings for Toru, or something I'm misremembering, but I grew up with CLAMP's manga, and that's what I go by. Besides, the plot later explains that the whole reason Saya's spirt ended up in the Sea of Tears is because she married a man she didn't love, while fully knowing that she was in love with another woman instead.

"Cardcaptor Sakura" has several queer couples. We've got Toya and Yukito. The teacher Toya dated before Yukito, could see the future, and she specifically broke up with Toya because she foresaw he would fall in love more deeply with Yukito in the future. And when she and Toya met again, she asked Toya if he was happy (being with Yukito), and he said yes. Unless I'm misremembering, the manga also has a panel or 2 explaining that Tomoyo was coincidentally repeating her mother's unrequited sapphic crush on Sakura's mother, by she herself having an unrequited sapphic crush on Sakura. But I just checked the Wiki and there was apparently a lot of weird editing mistakes in the manga that made Tomoyo seem straight, and then CLAMP had to use several interviews and future manga issues to clear up that Tomoyo's crush was actually on Sakura. O.o

I've had "Tokyo Babylon" on my shelf for years, but haven't finished the manga or the anime disks that I bought. lol But from my understanding, that whole series is steeped in the crush between the male leads, Subaru and Seishiro. And then it culminates in "X", because that series was a crossover continuation of several CLAMP series. During "Tokyo Babylon", Seishiro has this hidden omen running in his family about being destined to be killed by the person he loves the most. Within "X", Seishiro is killed by Subaru.

And how can we forget "Revolutionary Girl Utena"? Even if the series doesn't outright state them as gay, the whole series is built around their romance and then the movie has them out-right kiss. And it's not an accident situation or an animation that happens for only 2 frames, or something. It's an actual, romantic kiss, center-frame, as the resolution of that movie. Also Juri and Shiori are doing some unrequited things that I can't remember. But I remember Shiori being kind of toxic in the movie, like she was trying to make Juri jealous?

Speaking of Utena, "Gundam: the Witch From Mercury" is often compared to following Utena's outline, right down to the sapphic couple at the center. The series is still going, and I haven't been able to watch all the episodes so far, but if they truly homage Utena, they will advance from all their romance tropes between Suletta and Miorine, into hopefully an outright declaration of queer love. Here's hoping. <3

Can we count Kenjiro Hato from "Genshiken: Second Generation"? Because I don't know if they're "canonically" queer or not. Do we count them as "canonically" queer if they don't state they're queer? So much of that series is Hato still trying to figure out how they feel about crossdressing, about Harunobu Madarame, and being a fudanshi. I can't remember if Hato ever came to terms with any conclusions about themself. I can't remember if Hato ever definitely stated being in love with Madarame, or just spent all that time not quite understanding their own feelings. Is Hato a trans egg? Or is Hato genderfluid? Or did they just never figure that out about themself? Does Hato still identify as "male" by the end of the series? I don't remember! (But I'm sorry the series framed how Yoshitake treated you as a joke, because that was really uncomfortable.)

And how did I forget Sailor Uranus and Sailor Neptune? So famously gay, that when the first English dub tried to censor their relationship for the localization, it just turned into awkward "cousin loving cousin" dubs.

Almost forgot Princess Fatora and Alielle from "El Hazard: The Magnificent World". One of the first isekai genre series I watched. Fatora doesn't appear for most of the series, since she is a prisoner of the antagonists. But her girlfriend, Alielle, is in most of the OAV series. I remember them being very clearly lesbians, and after Fatora is rescued, I think they spent a lot of the sequel series chasing around the other girls in the cast.

[furiousgoldfish]

Trauma symptoms caused by childhood abuse

Early symptoms (childhood and teenage years):

Inability to show pain and vulnerability to others

deep belief that you ‘have to be tough’, secretly fearing that you’re weak and pathetic if you ever shed any tears or break down in pain

personality changes from outgoing and social, to isolated and quiet, trying not to be noticed

feeling like there’s something deeply wrong with you, deep belief that you’re some kind of monster who deserves to be punished

fear that if someone finds out about whats happening to you, they will blame you and hurt you worse

anxiety around adults, always being scared you’ll annoy someone and be hurt for it

very low attention to your needs and wants, feeling pride in neglecting your own well being, even neglecting your pain

belief that your value is tied to how much pain and mistreatment you can endure

urge to self harm, or outright hurting yourself

feeling like you want to disappear, or not be born at all, contemplating suicide

self hatred, feeling extremely negative about yourself and feeling like things would be better if you didn’t exist

spending phases of time being emotionless, feeling like a zombie and not caring about anything

foreshortened sense of future (belief that you wont live for much longer, inability to see your future or plan for it)

not feeling the consequences of events in the real time, or not at all; for instance, being completely unphased by a violent outburst or screaming, not feeling pain when you’re hurt, or not feeling the exhaustion when you’re clearly overworked

strong urge to not think about certain topics or events, or inability to do so

fear that your body is wrong and disgusting, anxiety about anyone seeing it but desperate need for validation that you’re normal

deep sense of shame in yourself, your actions and your appearance

strong investment in finding excuses for people who do bad things, always trying to see things from their angle and to forgive them

feeling like the blame for any bad thing in the world can be put on you

not feeling like a human being, belief that you’re less than human

feeling like your home is not here and you do not belong on this planet

feeling uncomfortable being touched and wanting people to back off

uncontrolled ourbursts of rage

looking for anything to soothe your pain or distract you, indulging with obsessions or drugs

early development of anxiety disorder, depression, insomnia, ocd

trying to regress your age and force yourself to stay younger than you are, because you feel like your value is dropping with age and nobody will care for you anymore

trying to desperately take control over some aspects of your life, which can result in overdoing or completely neglecting school, losing yourself in virtual life, eating disorders, self harm or magic thinking that enables you to believe you can control your circumstances

in case of a sexual trauma, innapropriate sexual behaviour, deep shame tied to your body, indulging in sexual interactions even before puberty, feeling like you’re meant to be used, violent or forceful sexual fantasies accompanied with shame, fear of touch, fear of anyone finding out, reaching out for pornographic material to put your experience into perspective

feeling desperate to appear normal and clinging very strongly to the perception that your childhood is normal

Later symtoms, can develop anytime after puberty, can be in 20s or 30s or even 50s:

Emotional

Flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks, freezing up in terror, beyond average amounts of fear and dread

Trust issues, either trusting without suspicion even when you shouldn’t or trusting nobody and feeling completely alone in the world

Episodes of re-living traumatic events from childhood or later in life; emotional meltdowns

Being unable to leave the past and feeling frozen in the moments of trauma

Emotional flashbacks, feeling the events from past as if they’re happening now, except this time you feel it thousand times stronger and completely fall apart from the horror of it

Feeling unstable, ashamed for not being able to control your emotions, fear of being judged, mocked or humiliated for it, trying desperately to not feel it, using distractions or drugs

Self doubt, struggling to know what is real and what isn’t, doubting your memories and emotions, trying to only feel what you believe is obliged from you

Questioning the past over and over again, trying to find sense and who to blame

Trying desperately to put your relationship with your abuser(s) into perspective, feeling both guilt and obligation towards them, but also rage and desire to take over control from them

Self harm, self-destructive behaviour, suicidal behaviour, wanting to die to end the pain

Deep and overwhelming grief over loss of childhood and loss of trust in people you believed wouldn’t hurt you, or believed they were doing it for your good, which now proved not to be true

Depression, loss of joy in anything you used to like doing, loss of optimism in life

Losing the courage to try anything, regardless of how much it would benefit you, if there’s even a slight chance of getting hurt in a way you find impossible to endure, living passively

Feeling irreparably damaged and ruined

Getting lost in maladaptive daydreaming, fiction, or the virtual world, feeling unable to face reality, falling to obsessions or addictions to endure the pain

Feeling other people’s feelings as if they’re your own, especially feelings of pain, anxiety, fear, nervousness, anger or grief; trying to soothe them and especially having strong reactions to anger

Feeling overwhelmed whenever around people, feeling the urge to self-isolate and to be completely alone

Being hit with extreme amounts of rage and struggling to process it; worrying about misdirecting the rage or acting on it, violent fantasies

Getting stuck in a mindset of a child and barely able, or unable to do any grown-up tasks

Struggling to achieve even minimum function, or not functioning at all

Losing the will or the energy to participate in any activities you used to enjoy

Fighting or indulging the urge to normalize what happened or make it ‘not that bad’, trying to re-live it in a way that wouldn’t be traumatic, especally with sexual trauma, needing to perceive it as if it would be normal only if it was ‘consensual’ or more controlled and trying to find a way to frame it as ‘not that big of a deal’ and denying it’s hurting you

Beating yourself up horribly for still being upset and traumatized by events that happened long ago

Inability to have friends or form connections with others, high alert for betrayal and manipulation

Avoding places and people connected to the trauma, getting easily triggered and forced to re-live something that needs recovery time of days or weeks

Losing your sense of reality; not being sure where you are or what year is it for some periods of time, feeling like you’re going crazy

Only being able to focus on surviving a short amount of time (just trying to get thru the day or week)

Physical

Extreme anxety; trembling, spending prolonged amount of time tense and expecting danger and pain at every second, inability to calm down, limbs not working properly, fainting out of fear

Continually activated “fight or flight” response, always feeling endangered, trouble digesting food because your body shuts down your digestion in order for you to be able to escape faster, vomiting, stomach pains after eating

Hyperventilation, problems with breathing, feeling there’s “no air” in small or crowded spaces

Chronic exhaustion, feeling heavy weight over your body, having difficulty moving at all

Chronic pain, tension in your body never leaving, physical pain appearing when you’re experiencing emotional pain, chest pain, heart palpitations

Problems with blood pressure, fainting easily

Dissociation (feeling detached from your emotions and/or body, feeling numb and unreal, your body not feeling yours, feeling outside your body or like you’re stuck in someone else’s body)

Memory issues, not being able to remember whole parts of your life, weak short term memory, not being able to look back on your life in linear way or put the events in they order they happened in, mixing several events into one, remembering feelings but not events

Increased sensitivity to noise, getting very upset at any non recognizable sound, reacting with irritability or rage to background noises, or with terror at loud noises; needing complete silence, or constant soothing background noise

Extreme sensitivity to stress, having to block out stressful things from memory, having physical reactions to stress, like shaking, your hair falling out, feeling incapable of dealing with even minimally stressful tasks

Dry mouth in the night, overheating during the nightmares, getting so distressed after sleep you can’t move from the bed for hours, not calming down for days

Not being able to control your body, falling down and shaking uncontrollably, even trashing around as your body processes violence done to it

Not being able to relax or calm down without experiencing physical pain, feeling addicted to abuse and indulging in self harm, or letting someone else hurt you so that you might gain a moment of not feeling tense, stressed and scared

Feeling sensations of pain or discomfort on your body even when nothing is happening to it, especially the body parts that have been violated in some way; in case of sexual trauma it would mean private parts, in case of overworking yourself or break yourself with effort, pain in all muscles and joints

In case of sexual trauma, reoccurring memories of it, trouble figuring out your sexuality, wanting to escape your body or perceiving it in a distorted way, urge to repeat the trauma to get desensitized to it, hypersexual behaviour or complete lack of interest in sexuality

Weight gain or loss, hatred of your body and desire to change or hurt it, or complete neglect over body, lack of any self care of even acknowledging you need it

Difficulty sleeping or being awake, feeling too high alert to fall asleep or dropping out of consciousness from overexhaustion

Inability to focus or finish tasks, procrastinating or feeling sick just knowing there is a task you have to do.

 If you struggle(d) with 5 or more of early ones, or 5 or more of later ones, you’ve been dealing with trauma.

[just-rogi]

Someone who is better at avatar meta feel free to correct me but, I was just thinking (Also i will be ignoring the hot pile of garbage that is the comics, because they don’t fit into canon anyway and also suck lmao) - Azula isn’t the only character in the avatar universe to have “ hallucinations” but she’s the ONLY one I’ve seen be labeled as schizophrenic, or have the hallucinations be implied to be a long term thing that continues to occur AFTER the end of the series. Allow me to elaborate:

In the episode The Blue Spirit we see Sokka and Katara come down with an illness which leads to fever and exhaustion making them delirious. Sokka experiences  hallucinations, which are played off for comedic effect and are never brought up again. It is never implied that his hallucinations in this episode are an underlying condition because it is clear that they were brought on by extreme circumstances pushing his body to its limit.

Similarly sokka again experiences visual and auditory hallucinations in the episode The Desert after consuming cactus juice. These hallucinations are again, played for comedic effect and are treated as a joke by the rest of the group. The audience understands that the drinking of the cactus juice is the direct cause for these hallucinations. Once the cactus juice is removed sokka will return to his baseline of mental stability. No one in expects that these hallucinations to be a reoccurring problem in later episodes because it is understood that it is the extenuating circumstances which directly caused them.

There is no precedent within the show which would lead the audience to believe that sokka or katara (in the blue spirit) would experience visual and auditory hallucinations, and so, when these events occur (and are played up for comedy) we believe that they are one off things. We understand that it is more likely that when a character who has never experienced hallucinations before,suddenly starts experiencing hallucinations when under a very specific stressful situation, it is probably due to the extenuating circumstances and stress that they are under, and not due to an underlying medical problem that has never been mentioned before.

But I can hear the argument that Azulas situation is completely different!! Sokka and Katara were running a fever in the blue spirit!! And sokka consumed a substance which caused the hallucinations!! Azula was totally physically healthy when she started seeing ursa. Which is where I would like to bring up the most interesting case of a character experiencing hallucinations in the series.

In the episode Nightmares and Daydreams we see Aang experiencing escalating visual and auditory hallucinations over the course of several days. There is no cactus juice, no frozen frogs, no magical fever or any other cause of these visions. Aang is experiencing vivid auditory and visual hallucinations repeatedly, over the course of several days, and the ONLY cause for them is physical exhaustion.

Aang is so stressed that he is unable to sleep. He starts out having nightmares. He becomes irrational, making bad decisions, and has increased anxiety about his battle with Ozai. He is unable to relax and is convinced that if he isn’t alert 100% of the time, then everything around him will be destroyed. His vivid hallucinations are brought on by his OWN stress and exhaustion caused by being a CHILD forced to fight in a WAR. I have NEVER seen a fic or a fanart or even a headcanon implying that aang is schizophrenic or that he has underlying causes for his hallucinations.

Never have I seen anyone imply that the hallucinations continued after the end of the series or that they are indicative of an underlying problem which has just conveniently never been mentioned before. Hell, his hallucinations last LONGER than Azula brief vision of her mother.

We as the audience understand the stress that aang must be under, and though the visons ARE scary they are still framed comedically and played up for laughs. But with a few directing tweaks this episode could have been very, VERY dark and scary.

This episode also confirms that in the avatar universe, a person CAN experience one off stressed based hallucinations. So why is it that azula briefly seeing her mother in the mirrior, after days of war, planning a siege, training nonstop while under threat of death (or at least having her face burned off) from ozai for stepping out of line, a fear which was probably exasperated as she watched her father prepare for a final battle and place insane pressure on her. From a perspective of physical stress put on a child, aang and azula are in very similar situations before the final battle. Why then, is azulas hallucination treated as an indication of her inherent mental health, and not as a direct result of the extenuating circumstances which she has been placed in. Hell we see her acting irrationally I’m the final Agni Kai, but we don’t actually see her talking to her mother or hallucinating, unlike Aang who’s hallucinations persisted until he was able to get support from his friends and SLEEP.

I’m not saying that every instance of a character having hallucinations is exactly the same, or that sokka drinking the cactus juice is a parallel to azula seeing her mother in the mirrior. Obviously lol. But I am saying that we as the audience can understand HOW certain outside influences may cause a character to lose grasp with reality for one episode, but once those factors are removed, they return to their baseline. The fever, the cactus juice, and the stress and exhaustion of being a a child soldier leading a nation without time to sleep are all outside influences. Perhaps it is because azulas hallucinations aren’t played for laughs, perhaps it is because Azula isn’t one of the “good guys”, but for whatever reason, azula is the only character whose one off hallucination is held up as a barometer for her overall mental state, even once the stressor is removed.

[cup-of-blue-rose-tea]

🎭 Actor AU! Yuuri and Orion behind the scenes of the new hot soap opera, Twisted Wonderland Daydreams. :-3c

//I am settling for an info dump instead since my writing hands refuse to cooperate with me T0T

Yuuri :

•Yuuri is a popular actor known for his baby-face and he’s usually in high school related dramas

•He has a lot of experience under his belt so he’s the one leading in most scenes

•They’re much calmer than their soap opera counterpart , a lot softer around the edges

•Has most definitely fell asleep once or twice on set , claimed the sofa in the Ramshackle set as his resting place

•Since his character gets into fights (unwillingly) , he spends a lot of time getting his special effects makeup done

•He’s too nice towards paparazzi

•Attends a lot of red carpet events dressed extravagantly , his pictures always frontline the tabloids for a while

•Calls the Ramshackle couch his fainting couch

•In interviews he calls his own character “a little bitch”

Orion :

•Actually a musician , he only became a reoccurring character on the show since people really liked his face

•Uses a lot of profanity off camera

•He has tattoos on his forearms , which is why he wears mostly long sleeved shirts

•Still a sweetheart , his character is pretty similar to himself since they wanted to make his acting more believable

•He plays the French horn , Concertina and Piano

•His Unique Magic is pretty rough on his hands since they have to use pretty tough thread to imitate the gold effect

•Other than the show and his music career , he rarely appears anywhere else

•If paparazzi ever finds him then they’re absolutely getting flipped off

•He usually laughs pretty hard when they do magic duels scenes , thus them having to do several takes

•Interviews with him usually involve the reporters being quiet for a second after he dropped 3 F-Bombs in a row

[justasimplesinner]

Ok ok Eddie with a jock friend (and eventual s/o), here's what I'm thinking: High school Eddie (whatever version honestly) mouths off to some teachers or embarrasses them with his superior intellect in an insulting way and gets sent to the principal's office. Since this is a repeat offense (try seven times and counting) the punishment is more severe...but the principal says she'll lighten his detention sentence if he uses his smarts for good and enters the high school's peer tutoring program for at least a month. Cue jock who is eager to learn but maybe has a learning disability or ADHD and their course material just isn't sticking.

They come to Eddie for help and he's a bit of an ass at first but then he realizes that they're not just looking for answers; they are genuinely interested in what he has to say and wants to learn so they can do their homework on their own. He gets to know them and how intelligent they are in other ways and his little heart goes doki-doki.

this invoked violent daydreaming in me, i've gotten distracted by my own thoughts every 5 minutes while writing this

Edward with a dumb jock s/o hcs:

safe to say, this situation isn't ideal, and Eddie is not happy at all. he has to deal with idiots and brutes every day anyway, and now they're taking some of his only spare time away from them all just because he was right and his teacher was wrong? why is he constantly being punished for being right, for being smart?

he doesn't get along with his fellow peers from the program at all. some of them recognized him already and knew it was better to stay away lest they wanted to get insulted either by him or everyone else for talking to him, some of them tried to reach out but gave out pretty quickly. in highschool, Edward became way more bratty and mean. in middle school, he was still trying to fit in but he was incredibly overwhelming for other kids and also an easy target, and that really made him resent everyone around him. so getting along with the other students wasn't really an option

however, he dreaded meeting the ones he had to tutor even more. partly because he did not want to deal with some idiots that couldn't get an equation right, partly because he knew most of those idiots are going to be the same ones that always pick on him. half the football team had to be assigned to that program so they would pass their classes. sports don't always give you a get out of jail free pass apparently, and they were forced to study, which didn't sit well with them at all

and then, you came along. he didn't know if you were better or worse than the rest of the jock community that he had the displeasure of meeting. you were just so... dense. it's like you were smart but didn't even know it and couldn't quite use that to your advantage. it fucking annoyed him. incredibly so. you were frustrating beyond imagination. you were getting distracted so easily, and he had to explain the same thing over and over to you and it was driving him up the wall. why couldn't you just get it? Edward both thinks he's the smartest and that nobody will ever understand the lengths his knowledge goes to, and can't quite grasp the fact that people just can't understand something that's so blatantly obvious to him. safe to say, he would not be a good teacher

Ed is absolutely appaled by your eagerness to learn though. practically everything he says flies over your head and despite all his rambling, you still don't understand jack shit, but at the same time... you're such an avid listener. you genuinely think this peer tutoring program could help you get better. you want to get better. and as much as he doesn't want to admit, it really scores you some brownie points in his eyes. because despite everything, you at least try. you don't expect him to do your homework for you and guarantee you a good grade, you genuinely want to work for it. you expect him to explain things to you so you can do that homework yourself and you can be proud of yourself for doing something right. sometimes, he thinks he'd prefer it if you just threatened him to do your work for you because getting you to remember something is an impossible task, but he doesn't mean that

he remembers one of your first study sessions together when he just snapped and almost screamed at you that you were an idiot. to his absolute astonishment, you didn't beat his ass, you didn't even scream back. you just smiled your stupid dorky smile and laughed your stupid dorky smile, saying that he clearly wasn't in the mood so instead of studying you took him for a late lunch. a lunch. and instead of learning more about what you were supposed you, you were trying to learn more about him. best thing is, that day was the first and only time he shared any form of personal information with you and - as opposed to the Mendeleev's table - you memorized most of what he said. hell, next time you saw him, you brought him that specific chocolate he somehow admitted to liking

more and more often, you were bringing him small things, 'thank you gifts' as you called them. as if you knew you were hard to put up with sometimes, at least for him. of course, at first he took it as some sort of bribe, that you tried to worm your way into his graces so he'd do your homework for you or whatever but soon enough you made him realise that you were just genuinely being nice. he has never met someone quite like you, you were an enigma to him

soon enough, he didn't even realise he was looking forward to those study sessions with you. he was constantly lying to himself about how annoying and dense you were, and yet he started feeling more comfortable around you and talking with you freely. he started liking your stupid inquires that usually were something along the lines of "what kind of animal is the Pink Panther", even smirking at them under his nose as if he found idiocy amusing. it was both a nightmare and a blessing to have you around

he couldn't quite understand the weird feeling he got whenever you referred to him as your friend or greeted him at the corridors. or when you offered to have some study sessions at your house because you couldn't keep quiet in the school library and put all the librarians on edge. he didn't really get what was going on with him when he smiled and laughed along with you, in your messy room, as you were trying to figure out how to write a proper essay

he... liked coming to your house. it was admittedly better than the library. your parents were really warm and welcoming, weirdly supportive which he couldn't quite understand since you weren't... well, the brightest. the food was nice, too. and your room was so... you. that's the only way to describe it, what with all the little trinkets and posters and things laying around, and with some music or movies in the background. he also noticed a constantly reoccuring theme amongst your possessions and he was surprised how much knowledge you had on one or two specific subjects. your small little obsessions that you somehow learned about a lot easier than anything else

at some point, without even realising it, you two started hanging out. like, really hanging out, not just meeting up to study. you played some games and talked about random stuff, with you always inquiring about everything, which in turn made him feel like someone actually listened to him for once and rambling for hours to no end. you even tried to teach him your favourite sports, despite his protests, and he was really shocked when you didn't laugh at his general clumsiness and awkwardness when it came to physical activities. you were actually just as weirdly supportive of him as your parents were of you. he didn't see you get annoyed at him even once, and you always tried to explain to the best of your abilities how things worked in sports. show him the proper moves and stances. he didn't quite pick it up, but you two had... fun

spending so much time with you made him notice your strengths, and there were suprisingly many, not just physical (but god, you could just lift him up like a stick? like he wieghed nothing?). he started to slowly figure out your thinking process which made him use different teaching methods that suited you better and lo and behold, there was progress. nothing too crazy, but it was progress. he didn't know which one of you was more proud - you or him

you finally found a way to learn and you started getting better grades. you didn't have to sacrifice school for sports or vice versa. you were going to pass. and all those small victories made Ed realise that soon enough, you won't need him anymore. you'll be capable of learning by yourself, since now you found a good way to do it. you weren't going to meet up with him so often, instead going out with your actual friends since now you could. now you had time. and when i tell you that he almost sabotaged you both just to force you to stick with him for a little while longer-

who was going to tell him stupid jokes now? who was going to listen to him? who was going to talk to him? who was going to cuddle him on your bed and fall asleep there with him from the pure exhaustion from studying? who was going to be his golden retriever friend when you were gone? he wouldn't ever imagine he'd be so sad to get rid of a bumbling idiot in his life? you were his bumbling idiot, and he really didn't want to go back to how things were before he knew you. he didn't want to be alone again. he didn't want to stop being so happy

so let me tell you, the pure fucking relief on his face when you start telling him about how many fun things you two can do now that you don't have to study all the time and hang out more is unimaginable. you never felt him hug you so tight as in that one moment

[the-jukebox-system]

ight, I’m honestly really nervous to post this on here, but my heart will not stop nagging at me to post this, so I don’t have much of a choice.

possible TW below for mentions of religion (christianity specifically), talks of heaven, and a bit of reality questioning. more specifically, I’ll be talking about mental illness and systems in general and the idea of “removing it all” when you go to heaven, because I’m sure we’ve all heard about that, christian or not.

I’ve been panicking over this for the past couple of weeks now, I think. about my system and what would happen to my alters if we were to enter heaven at any point, or just by death in general. where would they go? who would we be, if all of my mental illnesses just suddenly evaporated?

I worried about this even before I knew that we were a system, thanks to ADHD and practically seeing it as the one thing that kept me motivated and interested in things nowadays. who would I be without my random bursts of energy, or info-dumping at 4 AM, y’know? just,, dumb thoughts like that.

then I had one random thought a few days ago. specifically not from any of my alters, because it wasn’t a specific voice, and it kept reoccurring. never shutting up. “what if mental illnesses just don’t exist?”

now hear me out, I don’t mean “what if there’s no such thing as mental problems” because that’s not it. I mean, specifically, what if mental illnesses were simply given a title just so people could have an excuse as to why you or someone else acts differently?

now, granted, that could’ve just been me overthinking thanks to a spontaneous thought we had after waking up.

goodness, we don’t even like calling our OSDD a “mental illness” because it doesn’t feel like one. we’re happy with it, so we stick with “mental condition” instead, because that’s exactly what it is. the condition of your brain. it’s split, that’s all.

then I kept taking that thought apart and trying to figure it out. looked at websites where people would send in questions to churches and ask them what they thought mental illnesses were for. and one thing stuck out to me, “what if mental illnesses weren’t meant to be harm done unto the person, but to help them help others with that same condition?”

what if it’s not a punishment. not a curse, or anything of the sort. it’s just there.

think about it- your brain splits in the result of it not knowing what else to do after repetitive childhood trauma occurs. it splits and forms new alters specifically to keep you safe and help you cope with what happened. your alters were there to help you when no one else did, even if you didn’t realize it at the time.

I saw someone mention this once, and I’m pretty sure it was on here, too: “your brain splitting was a God-given ability.”

maybe it wasn’t the best choice in hindsight, depending on how you handle your own system, but they are there to help you handle it all. whether it be by hiding your past trauma from you to simply help you get through life a bit easier, removing attachment to certain memories, or creating an alter that serves as your closest friend growing up, your brain splitting helps in some way.

I’ll admit this, I see my alters as my family. we have a system father figure, a mother figure, each of which I swear were partially based on my own parental figures thanks to how they treated me as a kid and what I took comfort in growing up. we have butterscotch, a positive memory/emotion holder and the other half of a split that happened several years back. I see her as my older sister- the one I always wanted.

hell, even my boyfriend’s in the system. he’s practically my best friend, and paisley, one of our littles, sees us as her parental figures.

and as I’ve discovered, one of my closest imaginary friends from growing up was actually an alter. or who knows, maybe it was just me daydreaming for a few years until my brain specifically formed him as an alter later on. and meeting him made me so unbelievably happy.

and every single time I think about them just- disappearing, I start crying. every time. any of them. they were my family when the actual, exterior one wasn’t the one that I needed, and I didn’t even know it until recently.

every time these thoughts resurface, I suddenly think, why would God just,, take all of that from you? the happiness you feel toward your alters, the found-family experience you have with them, why would he just snatch it away after all of these years?

besides, who would you be then? the host, is that it? what if the host is an introject; what happens to them? there is no core, no original person to the system because your brain didn’t have time to form one in the first place. to take your alters away, means to take you away as well. there would be no point.

as for the negative memories disappearing─since I panicked over this as well─think about this. we were always told that when you go to heaven, there will be no memory of the negative things that went on in your life. it will simply cease to exist. now, even as a kid, I questioned that, because after a few years, I started to fear that. I always had a fear of losing my memories, no matter how bad they seemed.

then I started reading about it at the same time as what I previously mentioned, on the website where people asked about mental illness. and here’s what I found, “a child who is scared of the shadows in his room at night completely forgets his nocturnal fear the next day on the playground. it’s not that the memories have been wiped out, only that, in the sunshine, they don’t come to mind.”

perhaps this isn’t the best place to post this, but there is no way I’ll be touching facebook or anything of the sort, and I really felt like I needed to get this post out of my head.

[de-facto-slut]

Release Me Into Orbit

(Dark!Bucky x Black!Female Reader)

Summary: Bucky and the Reader are trying to heal from the trauma of their pasts.

A/N: I tend to keep my summaries vague and straight to the point. This particular story is based on a dream I had twice several years apart. Same plot and everything just alternate endings. I had started typing this story a year ago and decided to abandon the thought letting it see the light of day. But in the middle of Invisible chain I got the inspiration to start it up again. Thus, why Invisible chain is on a wee little hiatus. Anyways, I don’t talk about myself a lot on here and probably will continue not to do so, but I am a black female. The story was the product of my dreams. Thus, the reader is a black female. With Invisible chain I didn’t include this fact because it didn’t occur to me to do so until now. But most of my stories are centered around dreams, daydreams or thoughts with me at the center so. You can pretty much assume the reader to be from that perspective.  As for the title of the fic it is based on a song by Nao and I recommend listening to it as I did when writing this. Lastly, this fic will have a wee bit of a slow start so I hope you can stick with me. Anyways, I hope you enjoy the story.

Warnings: Non-Con, Dub-Con, Violence, major character death, Manipulation, emotional abuse, physical abuse, eventual Kidnapping, Breeding Kink, angst etc. Honestly More tags will be added.

“If by my life or death I can protect you, I will. ” ― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

Chapter 1: Nightmares

The brunette woke up with a start as he wiped the sweat beads that formed on his forehead. His eyes adjusting to the darkness as he glanced over at the alarm clock on his nightstand. It was merely 4am in the morning. With a slight groan, he sat up, resting his forehead in his hand. His abrupt awakening caused him to have a mild headache. He had been having the same reoccurring nightmare for days now. Standing up, he made his way towards the door, carefully exiting the room and making his way to the kitchen. He was surprised to see Sam standing in the kitchen, drinking a strange concoction.  “Didn’t expect to see you up,” Sam stated, placing his cup down on the counter as he eyed Bucky. Bucky shrugged his shoulders as he took a seat at the counter across from Sam, who was busy zipping up a gym bag. “You’re heading to the gym at this hour?” Bucky asked. Sam threw his bag over his shoulder, “Have to stay on top of my game for this next mission.” 

It had been a few months since the avengers defeated Thanos and decided to go their separate ways.  The avenger headquarters was destroyed and was replaced by a new facility as a memorial to the Fallen Avenger, Tony Stark.  After Steve retired, Bucky had nowhere else to go. Instead, he returned to the newly built avengers HQ with his unlikely new partner Sam. The two had been staying there dealing with the aftermath of Thanos and the retirement of some of Earth’s mightiest heroes. Only a few days ago, Fury decided to contact Sam and Bucky about a mission, and thankfully he did as they were growing bored of the small tasks they were given.

It had been two days before Fury returned with more details for the mission. Bucky, Sam, and Fury gathered in the living room as he threw down an old file box before them. “Look through those as see if those look familiar to you, Bucky.” He started taking a seat opposite of him. Bucky pulled a file out of the box and began to leaf through it, stopping and pausing for a long time. Sam studied his face, curiously, “What’s wrong?” Sam asked, slightly concerned. Bucky did not reply; instead, his hand tightened into a fist, as Fury reached over and grabbed the file before throwing it in view of Sam.

“I questioned whether or not to put you guys on this mission. But It seemed like something you guys could handle. Plus, we need Bucky’s insight.” Sam looked at the file to notice a picture of several scientists sitting together, “What is this?” he asked curiously.  Fury took a seat across from the two men and looked towards Bucky. “Secret Hydra files.” Fury stated, merely leaning back into the chair. “Hydra?” Sam questioned. “I thought they were done with,” Sam scratched his chin visibly confused. “If only it were that simple. They are like roaches; they keep coming back. They weren’t kidding when they said you chop off one head- those pesky motherfuckers.” Fury replied, visibly frustrated. “Anywho, I’ll leave you guys to go over the file. We’ll be seeing each other real soon.” Fury slapped his hands on his thighs before standing up. “I’ll see myself out.”

Sam turned towards Bucky, who remained offly quiet. Bucky leaned back into his chair with his hand rubbing his chin. He seemed to be lost in thought, before Sam interrupted him, “Bucky?” The brunette snapped out of it, returning his attention to Sam. Bucky looked around the room; he hadn’t noticed that Fury even left. “Seriously, Bucky? What is going on?” Sam asked once more, growing frustrated. In the years that they have known each other, he had never seen Bucky so unfocused. Sam and Bucky weren’t the best of friends, but they were partners. He knew something was wrong, he could sense it. Bucky stood up, ready to dismiss Sam again, but Sam quickly stood up, catching him by the arm. “Bucky, I swear if you don’t just come out and say what’s bothering you, I’ll tell Fury you aren’t fit for this mission.”

Bucky and Sam remained in an intense showdown before Bucky forcefully removed his arm from Sam’s grip. He stood there contemplating his options, he knew Sam wouldn’t let up. Not only that, but Bucky would also be pissed if he got benched on this mission. He released a deep sigh before taking a seat on a stool by the kitchen counter, he wrapped his knuckles on the granite lightly. “I’ve been having nightmares…” Bucky finally mentioned. Usually, Sam would take this opportunity to make fun of Bucky, but he knew this was serious. Sam made his way into the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of whiskey, before pouring it for both of them. Sam slid a glass towards Bucky, who caught it, before taking a seat. Bucky took a sip of the drink before continuing, “Occasionally, I’ll get some fragmented nightmares about some of the things I did in the past, but these are different,” he explained. Sam’s eyes remained fixated on his cup, but he hadn’t taken a sip yet. Sam was afraid to ask, but he knew he had to, “Different how?”.

Bucky paused, and the air was filled with silence before he threw the rest of his drink back. He cleared his throat, “This particular one keeps playing over and over in my head like a broken record…” he finally replied. Sam knew Bucky had a lot of things going on in that head of his, and as a Veteran, he understood. A lot of fucked up things happened to Bucky, things that could break any man. But he had never seen Bucky in such a state of mental disarray since his recovery in Wakanda. “I’ve done a lot of fucked up things, Sam…” he began. “But there is one thing in my past that has always stuck with me...” Bucky leaned forward with his elbows resting on the counter, and his fingers played with his lips anxiously. “I was hoping when they put me on the ice in Wakanda that maybe…just maybe I would have forgotten.”

Sam paused, he knew he was no therapist, and there was no simple way of comforting his partner. Steve was way better dealing with Bucky than Sam could ever hope to be. “Bucky, a lot of messed up stuff happened to you. And granted you did a lot of messed up things, but you can’t just expect those things to leave you…you got to confront some of those things instead of just letting them get the best of you.” Sam swirled his cup around, placing it back down. “Look, man, I know we aren’t best friends, and you aren’t required to tell me anything, but I’m here to listen if you need it. Judgment free.” Sam mentioned. They sat in silence for a moment, and Sam figured, maybe there was no winning here. He was about to give up until Bucky spoke, “I promised…I promised to protect them, and I failed.” Sam peered over to the brunette, only to see a pained look on his face. Sam was confused but chose not to speak; instead, he chose to just listen as Bucky continued, 

“2014. It haunts me ‘til this day.”

[fanworldbuildingfun]

Musings on “Modern Person in Thedas” trope - The Jump (or the amount of dubious luck one would have to possess to universe-hop)

I admit that like, probably many, DA fans, I have had this recurring daydream fantasy of landing into Thedas. Side-effect of a decent RPG, as it is. 

And while I won’t say I’m at a level of investment at which I would be tempted to sit down and write a fanfiction of it... Thats mostly because I like to overplot things

(In case the blog name did not tip you off, I like worldbuilding. I like knowing the background rules and plots that make the story tick - sometimes more than story and people in the story itself)

Brace yourself. It’s going to be long and possibly somewhat incoherent

Assumption 1: Entering the Dreaming World/Fade is more difficult for Earthlings

The concept of Veil exists in our world too, as a sort of thin film between the ‘otherworld’ (dreaming world, Fae realm, spirit realm etc, etc - depending on the culture in question) and ‘physical world’ (where we are present)

The major difference between our world and Thedas concept of the veil is the addition of “when” to our idea of the Veil. In Thedas, the Veil is mostly spoken of in the concept of “where”: “Where the Veil is thin” (interestingly, for Thedas it’s mostly battlefields and spots where a huge amount of magic has been exercised. Likely due to Thedas’ Veil being an artificial construct. One that can be affected by both), “Where the Veil is torn”. Affecting the “where” is usually enough to bypass the Veil and enter the Thedas’ variant of the spirit world (the Fade). “When” appears to be something that can be affected only once the “Where” part of the Veil has been disrupted

(see the “In hushed whispers” mission, with Redcliffe time travel)

On Earth, we speak of “When the Veil is thin” (e.g. Samhain, Walpurgis Night etc) much more often than “Where the Veil is thin”. Admittedly, special places, most often naturally occurring, that serve as attractions for unusual happenings: fairy circles, places of power, etc are an exception to this. Regardless, both “When” and “Where” exist simultaneously, but apart, not as consequence of each other. Affecting the Earth version of the Veil therefore is a much harder task unless specific steps are taken: both the time and place have to be carefully selected to bypass the Veil

E.g:

Place + time of year (can be found in almost any culture: Ivana Kupala, Walpurgis Night, Samhain, Halloween – and countless more. Often, they seem to be linked with either the beginning or end of harvest)

Place + prolonged (possibly multi-generation) influence on the place (again, not uncommon in any culture. Places of worship, places where people are warned from going to for various reasons)

Any other combination tends to require a great deal more effort

In addition, most of the steps that can be take on Earth Veil seem to require specific conditions that may or may not act as an interference to accessing the Spirit world. An example of this would be the presence of ‘cold iron’, ‘celestial bronze’ or other ‘purified’ or ‘man-altered’ metals. As an assumption, it may also extend to any manmade materials that do not exist in similar state in nature.

There has been a rather interesting Tumblr conversation I came across (on Pinterest, of all places) that argued plastic would have an even worse effect on magicals, but alas, I did not save it. A waste, now that I think of it

With the rapid industrialization and urbanization of Earth, such effect mounts and spreads. So, one may consider that the prevalence of magic in the old stories is not merely due to the failure to understand the world and seeking arcane explanation of it – but also due to our now-inability to access arcane.

In short: Theodoshian Veil is akin to a single layer encryption access with no specific hardware requirements. Well, unless you count whatever was put into making it, of which we know little. Earth Veil is a two-layer encryption access that is really sensitive to mods. Or a fragile ecosystem.

From this: Accessing the Fade from Thedas is a hassle, but doable. Accessing the Dream World from Earth is a hassle that grows even worse with each passing year

Assumption 2: The Dreaming Worlds are interconnected, at some level

But not in constant contact with each other. Think isolated bubbles that are specific to any given world. Over the course of time, they sometimes brush with each other and leave parts of its respective ‘content’ behind.

Thus the set ‘ideas’ of races that never (or, at least, not proven to exist with any degree of certainty) existed on Earth. Some of the typical characteristics of the races reoccur in different cultures that may, or may have not, had contact with each other. For this example, I will count dwarves, elves, and corrupted ones (e.g. orcs, goblins, drow – or, for Thedas, the blighted beings like shrieks, ogres etc)

For the purpose of the plot, crossing from Earthling section of the Dreaming into Fade would require the character to be present in the Dreaming world when such a ‘crossing of bubbles’ occurs

Mind, the actual ‘crossing’ may occur for much longer periods of time than mere moments. Simply, with the failing access to Earthling Dreaming, and installation of Theodoshian Veil, there is no one that can ascertain for sure how long it lasts

Given that time is often mentioned to run strangely in the Dreaming/Fade, it would account for entire decades of stories of people disappearing, reappearing, sleeping for decades and the like (think Rip Wan Winkle. Or Sleeping Beauty. Or any story really that has people disappearing/reappearing/sleeping without dying for exuberant amounts of time without dying with no outside help)

Next assumption is more iffy, because I’m much less sure about it.

Assumption 3: a lot of those who ‘crossed’ the worlds, never return

This one will draw on the idea that eating the food of a different world makes you a part of that world, forever (or at least for a good long time)

Cases in point: any fae-related or deity-related lore that warns against eating their food. Think Greek myths, Irish Fair Folk, Japanese Kamikakushi lore etc.

Food is the building blocks of our bodies. Ergo while the spirit may wander, the body is much more rigid and unchanging. Same applies both to Earth and Thedas: the spirit of Command in Old Crestwood village even bemoans that the waking world will not follow its commands. Bodies are part of Waking world. Ergo, they are intrinsically tied to it

Eating foods from another world would then, in theory, force the body to work off the materials that it was not built from or for, and that tends to end badly for… Anything, basically. Like trying to force a computer system run on the hardware it was not built for. Or forcing the wrong blood type into someone. Or using the wrong pesticides when growing food and then having a severe allergic reaction to it.

The soul or spirit, in most religions, is considered hardier than that. It can survive what the body can’t. So consuming food from another world would, in theory, force the body to shut down and sever the spirit from it. In pre-veil Thedas it -may- not have been as much of an issue, but on Earth the Veil nicely tucks anything supernatural-related away, and with the access diminishing, it’s basically be shut in Dreaming or Die.

Conclusion: to cross over from one world to other, you need to have some damn bad (or good, depending on perspective) luck.

And then to stand the possibility that in crossing into the waking world of Thedas, you have to have your old body die. Ergo returning to Earth is not really an option after that, not as you were. I mean, we have concept of reincarnation but it’s not really you-as-you returning. For those who knew you it’s not the same. And with weak connection to Dreaming you can forget about the more arcane means of getting a body

Also, being born with the original-you memories (if you are unlucky), would be just plain awkward

At least Thedas has recent precedents of embodiment, from spirit to flesh, even with Veil drawn. Case in point – Cole. Possibly Leliana, if you killed her in Origins, but Wikipedia is kind of shifty on that one

[yoporkchopsandwiches]

Thank you for tagging me @lizwontcry :)

1: what colour are your eyes?

Blue with a little brown in the middle

2: what little thing tells you someone is good?

How they treat people in retail/food industry and animals. Also how willing they are to own up to their mistakes and apologize. 

3: Do you have a recurring dream?

Several. I have always had crazy vivid dreams. Reoccurring parts: looking at the ocean and it turning into a tsunami, finding out I have a test for a class I’ve never been to, trying to hit on Aaron Paul lol, my mom having another kid and it throwing me into a spiral because I don’t want my siblings to like the new kid better than me. Others but this would take forever.  

4: What is the most interesting class you have taken?

In my junior year of college I took a class on the 1980s as an elective. It was an American studies class. We talked some about pop culture but we also spent A LOT of time on AIDS and how it was handled by healthcare, the government, the public and it was fascinating. Also, for no logical reason I’ve always held the 80s as a decade close to my heart (new wave music, loud clothes, some of them neon pink, some with bowling alley carpet designs, just the vibes) so I was one hundred percent raising my hand every five seconds and the class nerd :P

5: How often do you daydream?

Sorry I can’t hear you over the multiple fantasy worlds I’m living in. 

6: name/nickname:

Faith. No real nickname. 

7: height

5'5

8: languages?

English. Just the bare minimum of Spanish

9: nationality

All the whites mixed in a bowl with just a dash of Native American. My dad is 1/4 Native American/ his grandmother was Native American though I never got to meet her. 

10: Favourite season

Summer :)

11: favourite colour

Purple but pink is a close second

12: Favourite animals

Tigers, cats, bunnies, snakes, owls. But tigers are my #1!

13: tea, coffee or hot chocolate?

Herbal tea none of that Lipton stuff 

14: Are you a dog or cat person?

Cats!!!

15: How many blankets do you sleep with?

One quilt on my body that my cool friend @whatwearewillbe made for me! but a throw blanket on my feet because they get cold even in the summer. 

16: A random fact about you

I first got a crush on Aaron Paul from his Juicy Fruit commercial. I was around eleven watching this cute guy with spikey hair get his pants ripped off like uhhh is anyone else weirdly warm? Just me? Then he was out of sight, out of mind until I watched Breaking Bad and I INSTANTLY in my heart knew I knew him from something but didn’t put the pieces together until I saw a YouTube compellation of his commercials when I then YELLED, “AARON PAUL WAS THE HOT GUY FROM THE JUICY FRUIT COMMERCIAL??!!!” You’re welcome for this.

17: Three ships

Walt/Jesse, Bryan/Aaron, Amanda Rollins/ Carisi (Law and Order SVU)

18: Last song

Misunderstanding by Genesis is playing on the office radio

19: Last movie

I re-watched “School of Rock” on Sunday and it was a fun time :) 

20: Currently reading

I have been on a big kick of checking books out from the library. I can’t remember the title of the one I just started but it’s from the point of view of a 13 year old girl in the Adirondacks and her family life and escaped convicts. It is lovely and well written and giving me modern day “To Kill a Mocking Bird” vibes. 

21: Currently watching

All of the Breaking Bad commentaries with my friend @lizwontcry who was awesome enough to give me the DVDs for my birthday! We’re in different states but still watch together :) 

22: Currently craving

Grapes, candy corn, and my bed!

I’m tagging @whatwearewillbe @ricinbeans @arseraptor @mrs-storm-andrews