#one time i was at my cousin's and nothing bad happened i just feel awkward around her boyfriend

[jonny-b-meowborn]

When I'm stressed out I either binge eat to calm myself down, or I just can't eat. I could have my favorite meal in front of me, but if I'm stressed for any reason it feels like my throat is closed. Or even I completely stop feeling hungry. Fuck

[katz-chow]

late nights in the middle of June

synopsis: johnny isn't feeling quite well and although it wasn't too too late, the only place he would rather be was at your doorstep. aka Johnny got into a fight with his dad over the phone and Johnny wants your company in the early summer night

warnings: sfw, fluff, gn! *fem if you squint* reader, unknown mutural pinning, platonic, friends to lovers, parental disagreements and infidelity, bad scottish gaelic, and maybe ooc soap?

a/n: this is my first time writing him-well anyone from codmw2, so please be gentle haha

"Ith mo chac (Eat my shit), Pa! I don't fucking care about it anymore, just...fuckin' a, just leave Ma. Steamin' Jesus.." Soap trails off as his hand brushes his growing mohawk back. He hangs up. The sky was growing dimmer, so he assumes it must be getting late. The perks of summer meant longer delays of the sun setting, which also meant that finding comfort in the dark skies also have to be post-poned.

His father was never a good man, but nor was he a particularly bad man. Like every father, Soap tells himself, his own has his ups and downs. He can't hate family right? Except he thinks he can now when one of his cousins had sent him a picture of his father in a small cafe, kissing some gal that certainly wasn't his beautiful mother. Soap can only feel burning rage as he picked up his cell and ringing up his dad within the next beat; what happened next was just in blind fury.

He doesn't remember putting his personal phone on 'do not disturb' as a multitude of texts and miss calls buzzed through it. He doesn't remember opening his barracks door and walking over to the building next. And he definitely doesn't remember you ever looking so kind and warm when you opened the door for him. You smiled, and Soap might as well just have melted in your arms.

"Hey, Johnny, what's up?" you asked, as the towel drying your hair laid over your shoulder. You looked at his face, studying it with your doe eyes. "It's like, 8 and a Friday night, shouldn't you be out and about?"

Soap pulls his gaze from you and looks away to his right, a hand rubbing behind his neck as he sighs nervously. "I just, uh wasn't feeling up for it, 's all."

You drop your wide smile a bit as a look of concern washed over your face, "Are you okay? Are you hurt?"

His eyes darted to you and he shook his hands a bit, signalling that it's nothing like that. "No, Bonnie, 'M alright," He laughs a bit, "Will you let me in?"

"Yeah, for sure," You scooted over a bit behind the door to make room for him to come in, and he did.

The room wasn't big, the size of a small motel room, just like all the others. So he decided to sit on the edge of your made bed, the thin, blue military sheets having been replaced with a surprisingly heavy white duvet instead. "Sorry for intruding on yer night, Lass."

You eased the door to close and locked it with a hefty 'click'. You reached and bent your head down a bit to continue drying your hair as you made your way over to sit in your desk chair across from him. "Wanna tell me why you're left on my doorstep like a lost pup?"

Soap chuckled and sighs a bit as he lowers his gaze with his hands rubbing his knees awkwardly. "I uh...I just had a bit of a...altercation, with my father. Just didn't know what to do."

You plop down your towel on the wooden desk behind you, taking a moment to grab your hair brush and nonchalantly combed your hair as you took in the sight in front of you. soap looked...anxious, awkward even. He looked small and cowering rather than his bright and bubbly self, like as if there was suddenly a solar eclipse as the sun in front of you had dimmed and was covered in a dark night. "Do you want to talk about it? I'm a great listener. Just saying! But we can just mess around and get you distracted."

"I don't want to talk about it." He made up his mind rather quickly as he patted his thigh with his hands. A small, thin smile rested on his face as he looks up at you. "Sorry I just, I don't know. Just wanted to see you, Lass."

A toothy grin played itself on your face. "Let's eat then. Are you hungry?" You stand up to open your cabinet of pre-packaged meals. "I was gonna have some ramen anyway."

He watches you like a hawk as he stands up to lean against the small archway to the "kitchen" area of the room. It really was just stove-oven, cabinets, a sink, and a fridge. It was small, but practical. He looked as you opened the packets and put it into a small pot and settling it on the stove. Then you repeated the process again, settling what he can only assume as his own on the burner neighboring yours. You look up at him and he looks at you. His gaze bore into your eyes, looking pass them and into your soul, and in return he gets to be broken down by your own longing gaze. You pull your watch from him and grin shyly as you pour a drink into two glasses. Handing him one, you didn't dare to look at him as your face burned a subtle pink. "Yours."

"Lass..." He mumbles, barely a whisper to catch your attention. You stop preparing the food and turn off the burners, humming in response.

“What is it, J-" You didn't get to finish as he wraps his arms around your waist, burying his face into the crook of your neck. He was heavy, Hell, you almost fell back. But you didn't. And you didn't pull away either. Sure, Johnny hugged you all the time, whether it be a small side hug when you did a particularly good job or a dab up hug when y'all haven't seen each other in a while. But this was different. He held onto you, like he couldn't breathe without you, like you were his. A pang rang through your heart, it aches as it longs for Johnny to never let go. It aches for him. "It's okay..." You whisper as the palms of your hands rub his back up and down. His breathe shutters against your neck as he pulls away. You wish he didn't.

"Thank you, Lass." He looks at you softer, brightly again. You wanted nothing more than to launch yourself back into his arms, to fill your lungs with his rain-like scent. But you can't, you wouldn't allow yourself to. It was selfish you thought, when he was the one who needed you right now. You're there for him, his anchor for tonight. He was okay, you were okay. And that was okay too.

[readingwiththereids]

yanda! speaks: hello my pretties! as promised, here is chapter 2! again, minimal carm so i’m sorry but we do get to see camila interact with the rest of the gang <3 hope you like it, don’t forget to like and reblog! lots of love and light 🤎

masterlist

night rain ; chapter 2

2022

Emilia was hyper and extremely difficult to tire out. Even after a two-hour trip to the park filled with nonstop monkey bars and swings, the young girl still always had another activity in mind for her and her mother to do. And that was why Camila was currently trying to stop Emilia from jumping from couch to chair and cracking her head open as they played “pirates”.

“Emmy, I swear to God if you jump, I won’t make you pudding for a week.” Camila yelled as she eyed her daughter sternly.

As the toddler huffed and sat down on the arm of the couch, a muffled ringtone sounded from under the pile of toys on the living room floor prompting Cam to rush to answer. It was Tina.

“Mami? ¿Qué pasó?” [What happened?]

“Why would you assume something happened, Camila? What if I just wanted to hear your voice?”

“Because when I tried to call you during the day last week you told me to, and I quote, ‘hop off your dick’.”

“Okay but that was different, I actually want something from you now.”

“So you do need something.” Camila chuckled into the speaker.

“Yes. Yes, whatever, God you’re just as bad as the new girl.”

“Who?” 

“No one. Could you please be my darling daughter and bring me one of my extra clean aprons? Your boyfriend won’t stop yelling at me about it.”

Ignoring the way her mother referred to Carmy, Camila replied watching Emilia start to yawn on the couch, “Are you aware that your darling daughter is also the mother to a two-year-old?” 

“Isn’t it nap time? Just bring her with, she can sleep in the car.”

A pause.

“Will you take care of her on Friday during the gala?” 

^^^^^^^^^

“I’ll be right back.” Camila whispered as she exited and locked her child in the car.

5 minutes. Just 5.

The woman thought as she hesitantly walked through the door of The Beef before being met with almost half a dozen bodies hovering around what seemed to be sandwiches.

“Cam?” 

Marcus spotted her first, immediately walking around the group to engulf her in a huge bear hug. Suddenly everyone was surrounding her. She couldn’t even count how many hugs, kisses on the cheek and pats on the back she received from her chosen family. The commotion obviously summoned the king of noise and ruckus himself, Richie and an unknown girl with multi-coloured braids trailing behind him. 

“As I live and breathe!” Richie’s voice boomed through the front of house.

“Hey, Cousin.” Camila laughed as he picked her up and spun her around.

“Feel like I haven’t seen you in ages, Mini.”

“Likewise,” she said before turning to the girl she had yet to be introduced to. “Camila, nice to meet you.” she smiled.

“Hi! My name’s Sydney, I’m staging today.”

“Awesome, I hope everyone’s made you feel welcome.” 

Angel stepped in, clearing up the confusion on Sydney’s side. “Cam is Tina’s daughter.” 

“And Carmen’s ex-girlfriend.” Ebra loudly whispered.

“Ebraheim, you know you can’t whisper.” Tina rolled her eyes, slapping his arm.

Breaking the awkwardness, Sweeps walked up to Camila with a sandwich in his hand. “Yo, you gotta try this.”

“Holy shit, this is fu-”

“Fucking fire, we know!” Richie groaned. “I don’t know why you all act like Cousin shits out a golden egg every time he makes something, nothing is that good!”

“Well, have you tried it, Richard?” Camila asked.

The scruffy man paused before shaking his head as if that was one of the most absurd questions anyone had ever dared to utter in his presence.

“Exactly,” Cam continued. “Also, I’ve seen you eat a slice of pizza off the floor in the middle of Millennium Park, so I’m not entirely sure if your standards are up to code, Rich.”

That statement resulted in many exclaims and expressions of disgust, amusement and pure shock which were all interrupted when the kitchen door slammed open.

“Alright! Everyone stop standing around, we only have an hour left till-”

When Camen looked up from his phone and saw the very reason his employees refused to get back to work, he froze. Believe it or not, this was the first time in three years that he had seen Camila’s face. After she left, she never told him where she went, removed him from all her social media, left some money for him to pay off their apartment and basically disappeared off of the face of the earth. It hit him hard at first but he soon realised that he had to just keep going, keep himself busy, which his career did a fine job at. 

However, it still felt weird seeing her again. Not exactly like reopening an old wound but rather reminding him of one that never really healed, that he’d just forgotten was still hurting.

Due to his train of thought, Carmy failed to notice that the room had almost entirely cleared out, leaving just him and the woman he’d been in love with once (and honestly was still in love with).

“Hi.” he eventually croaked out.

“Hi.” she smiled sadly.

yanda! speaks (again): cam in her bad mom era tbh. like girl why are you leaving your child in the car in the middle of river north?? 🤨

🏷️ list: @rexorangecouny @louderfortheback

[dm me to get on the tag list :b]

[yellowcry]

[Garish au]

Asking Dolores seemed like a good choice to begin with. Maybe Isabela could get some information. Her cousin was aware of everything, far more than people tend to think of. However, as she spotted her cousin, the line was already closed. Mirabel stood nearby and, in a not really quiet voice, asked. "Have you heard anything strange yesterday?"

Isabela winced. Could Mirabel know what happened yesterday? It would be perfect. In a split second, she ran to Mirabel past their Tío Felix and real Dolores. "Hey, sis. I heard you were wondering about the cracks" Mirabel's eyes widened, she stepped back, looking away.

Just as Isabela was about to get through with her answers, a low-pitched voice announced that the table was out. Just great. Luisa surely loved breaking the perfect moments. Now she had to wait until the end of the dinner.

Isabela smirked at Dolores' loving eyes at the mention of Mariano. Her cousin was such a romantic. Not like Isabela could blame her, she hoped to marry some beautiful girl one day. Maybe she could blabber about plants to her? It would be perfect!

Catching up with Mirabel was easier than anything First of all she was short. And Isabela had vines on her side.

Mirabel rolled her eyes, getting out of the greenery that had surrounded her at the snap of a finger. "Isa, maybe you should do something else?" She paced faster, trying to get away to no avail.

"Hey, Mirabel, could you fix my blouse?"

The girl nodded, taking a packet from Osma's hands. This repeated several times.

Isabela groaned, her little sister was so annoying sometimes. "Just tell me what do you know? You asked Dolores about it."

Mirabel, who desperately tried to get away, just to be stopped by a wall of flowers in front of her muttered. "I just wanted to make sure…"

Isabela's eyes narrowed, she stepped closer. "What exactly, sis?"

Mirabel blinked, fixing her glasses. "I'm sure it's nothing. I just saw something. It was probably just my imagination." she didn't sound too convinced by her own nervous words.

"I'm sure it's fine," Isabela waved her hand. The cracks were worrying, but it didn't make her feel too bad. She just needed to know what happened.

Mirabel sighed, giving an awkward chuckle. "It's not like Casita would break."

"YES!" Isabela jumped in excitement, flowers sprouted on the ground around her. "I saw them too!" There was at least one person who knew that Casita was breaking yesterday.

"I- I don't get what you're talking about…" Mirabel gasped, stepping back in horror. Her face got paler in worry. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do anything bad!"

Isabela froze at the last sentence. She didn't think about this possibility at all. If anything, Mirabel had nothing to do with the miracle. "Why would you think that I could blame you?" She lowered her gaze, staring in confusion.

The words left Mirabel's mouth before she could even proceed them. "Mama had left because of me."

She wasn't serious… Was she?

"Julieta had left because she's selfish irresponsible parent." Isabela scoffed, crossing her arms. Nobody said anything in a while.

"I really should get back to work.."

Isabel groaned. Why was it always about a job? "Today's an official day off after the ceremony."

"Well, I got to make up for the lack of a gift," Mirabel whispered, rechecking all the work that she had been given already. "Maybe somebody will say that I'm doing a good job then.."

Oh, poor child.

"I think you need a break," Isabela awkwardly patted her spine.

Mirabel shook her head. "I can get through it." She was about to go away, before looking to the sides all of a sudden. "I heard Abuela once." Isabela was startled, her eyes widened in surprise. "She said something about a vision with our Mama and Casita's destruction." Isabela froze for a good minute, trying to understand all this information. Vision? What had Tio Bruno seen? Probably not much, but still. "If you want to fund anything, our parents' room could be a good place to start."

[wonieleles]

project: stay single — fifteen : the idiots’ dilemma

word count: 613 ! (screenshots below!)

something strange had been happening to jungwon recently.

he found himself staring at his lab partner more often, searching for her in the halls when he normally rushes to his next class, and he even focuses more on her in chemistry class than the lecture.

now the average person would’ve classified this as having feelings for someone, but jungwon was never quite average. he did entertain the idea for a little bit before declaring it absurd since he “never likes anyone that way.” so instead, jungwon told himself that this issue was simply him being burnt out from school. yes, that had to be right.

although now that he figured out the reason behind his recently odd behavior, he couldn’t quite figure out how to fix it, nor did he know exactly why he needed to. so for the first time in his life, yang jungwon was stuck. he was fighting a battle with himself; his head and heart were giving him two completely different explanations, and he wasn’t sure if the one he was trying to convince himself was right. especially, when his mind was filled with rushed, panicked thoughts over something happening to y/n after looking at her tweets. because who worries this much over a lab partner (or casual friend but even that was odd).

but still, here he was, standing right next to the girl’s locker first thing in the morning, waiting for her to stop by so he could put his mind at ease.

park y/n never imagined she’d have to face jungwon the moment she entered school, especially not after what happened last night. perhaps that’s why she decided to run away the second she saw him waiting for her. she did feel guilty about avoiding him when he seemed so desperate to talk to her, but the embarrassment of facing him after what happened outweighed any guilt (even though he probably didn’t even want to talk to her about that).

“hey, my love,” wonyoung greeted her best friend, putting an arm around y/n’s shoulders. after getting no response from her usually noisy friend, she studied her to see what was wrong. “help, why are you so deep in thought? omg and why are you carrying all your textbooks?” wonyoung questioned the girl’s peculiar behavior.

“oh, hi wony,” y/n responded, finally noticing the girl.

“yeah, hi? are you going to tell me what’s wrong?”

“oh, nothing much. just saw yang jungwon waiting next to my locker this morning, and so i decided that exercising my arm muscles is perfect for today.”

“wait, why was he there?”

“no clue, but i was just scared it might be because of sunghoon’s tweet,” y/n shivered at the thought.

“okay, not that it isn’t a valid reason, but honestly, i don’t think he would’ve cared. i mean you didn’t even look bad in that pic, and he probably didn’t even see it. so maybe it’s about something else, like the chem homework or something,” wonyoung rationalized in an attempt to calm down her best friend.

“yeah because the smartest kid in our grade definitely needs my help in chemistry,” y/n deadpanned.

“okay, maybe that isn’t as likely. but he probably did want to ask you about something else, so don’t worry too much,” wonyoung tried again.

“you’re right, but you know what, that sounds like a future me problem,” y/n said with a grin, and wonyoung couldn’t help but chuckle at her friend’s antics. but y/n was right, it was indeed a future her problem; just one problem, the future came a lot sooner than she expected for she underestimated jungwon’s persistent personality.

synopsis: when being the youngest and only girl of the park household, strict parents and overprotective brother and cousins are a given. therefore, park y/n sworn off dating until she enters college (not that she had much of a choice). but when the awkward but terribly cute yang jungwon is placed in her lab group, she finds herself wanting to break the number one rule in her family—no dating till college. or maybe they could be just friends, right?

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note: ok but like ynwon are kinda dumb 🤕🤕 and chenle figuring everything out like 😟 edit: in the third screenshot y/n is supposed to say “too” not “to”

taglist one (taglist two open): @brokeprimogems @hoonieswrld @hiqhkey @4yjwonnn @boowoowho @sim-kissed @w0nderr @dstarsz @vantxx95 @harperwasstaken1 @reinahwanggg @bubblytaetae @m1kotsu @annoyingbitch83 @tomorrowbymoa-together @hiyyihland @nyfwyeonjun @lhsng @ritsusakumasgf @titsout4gojo @nekyochis @yabukkura @nomurahayami @pr0dbeomgyu @sunsunu @4yjw @sophhloaff @mina-yoo334 @viagumi @queer-blue-fairy @rionah @injngg @4vonly @coffeewon @byeolwonnie @agisajinn @acciomylove @lil-iva @wooniy @i-yeseo @miridicallyyours @gyuulvr @kange3939 @duolingofanaccount @ihrtk1ve @mqndnolia @solxrssun @sbnchaos @faiirybread @enhasengene (italics: couldn’t be tagged)

[metalheadcowboy]

i want to hear about trans eddie. please. my crops are dying.

You're about to start something you'll NEVER hear the end of, anon, an un-closable can of worms 😭😭

I think that Eddie is a very forwards person, so he always told his parents about his issues with his gender. And even if he didn't understand what it meant at the time they did, and it scared them shitless, so they always brushed it to the side, or changed the subject, or told him to keep that kind of stuff to himself. And he did for a while, obeyed and kept quiet about his struggles for the most part.

But then puberty came along and everything kind of just snowballed downwards. Eddie and his parents got into more and more fights, whether it be his mother condemning him about not wanting to wear his cousins hand-me-down dresses and skirts or his father giving him a lecture about how he needs to be more "lady-like" and "proper" things weren't great.

And even though things were bad, they were under control, until... the incident. It was a week after Eddie's 13th birthday when he thought it would be a wonderful 'fuck you' to his parents if he buzzed his head, if the shaved his gorgeous curly brown hair his mother loved so much to the root. He thought that would really show them, show them that this wasn't some phase, that this was real, that this was going to happen whether they liked it or not so they better accept it. Well, to nobody's surprise, they don't accept it.

Mrs. Munson swears she nearly faints when she walks in on Eddie with a half shaved head, and the proudest look on his face. It isn't long before his dad joins and practically drags him out of the bathroom by the hair he has left on his head. He could hear his mother crying, no, sobbing, but couldn't bring himself to care because this is what they deserved, what he deserved after all these years of pretending to be somebody he's not.

Mr. Munson wastes no time calling Eddie's uncle and telling him that his "daughter" needs some time away from home to "sort things out", shortly before telling Eddie to pack what he needs to stay at his uncle's for a few days. Eddie was dreading it to say the least, he always hated visiting his uncle, hated the way his trailer, hated the way he smelled like cigarette smoke and cheap cologne, but he was going to be damned if he let his dad see that he wasn't too happy about the arrangements.

When they got to his uncle's trailer it was nothing short of terrifying. The place was surrounded by woods on either side, lit by nothing but a few street lamps. The play set they had looked like it hadn't been used in years, and it was silent, too silent. Eddie just clung onto his bag and looked out the window until they came up on the one that was his uncles, the man himself awaiting their arrival, sitting on the front porch, if you could even call it that, taking a long drag of his cigarette before letting his attention drag over to their car.

Eddie's dad barely said a word, just enough to do the trade off and that was that, they were driving off with the promise of picking him up when he'd learned his lesson for what'd he'd done and that was that.

To say things were awkward between Eddie and his Uncle Wayne would be an understatement. They never really saw each other, except for around Christmas and a rare Thanksgiving, so they had no idea how to act around each other. Eddie let himself be guided to the bathroom with a huffed out "Jesus Christ" from his uncle looking at the damage to have the remaining hair buzzed away. As Eddie watched it fall away he didn't know whether to be relieved or ashamed. in a way it felt like a weight being lifted off his shoulders as he looked at his head, running his fingers over the short, soft hair, but with the relief came a sickening guilt, one that nearly made him sick to his stomach.

They didn't talk about it that night, Wayne let Eddie crash on the couch, practically able to feel the exhaustion radiating off of his body. They didn't talk about it the next day, though either, or the next, or the next, it was a week before they talked about it, the night of the talent show performance with his band Corroded Coffin. He and his uncle are int he car together on the way hime from Benny's Burgers, Eddie half disappointed his parents didn't show up even though deep down he knew they wouldn't.

"So, what is... this?" His uncle asks, much to Eddie's confusion.

"What is what?" he counters, giving the straw of his paper cup a break from being abused by his teeth.

"What are you, kid?" And the words hit like a brick, make him feel dizzy and halfway nauseous. They end up having to pull over, Wayne patting Eddie's back a few times while he retched, finally releasing his burger and fries onto the side of the road after a few heaves.

It's quiet again after that, the topic fresh on Eddie's mind the whole way home and even once they'd arrived. They'd moved on since then, making small talk while they watched whatever sitcom was on TV just to make fun of it.

But just as Wayne was about to head to bed, leaving Eddie to his wonderful pull out couch, the boy spoke up, "i don't know," he admitted, staring out the window, unable to face his uncle.

"What's that?" Wayne turned back around from where he was heading towards his bedroom.

Eddie sighed, reaching up to scratch his jaw, suddenly itchy with anxiety, "It's just... I don't really know what I am," he explained the best he could, "I don't know how to explain it because you probably wouldn't get it, shit, I don't get it." That was one of the perks of living with his uncle Wayne, he didn't have to worry about watching his mouth.

"All I know is I'm not what they want me to be, I'm not who they need me to be," he sniffled, oversized sweatshirt sleeve, reaching up to wipe away snot, " And maybe I'm not being fair, but I just can't do it anymore, I can't live their lie to please them." at this point hot tears were streaming down his face, and his nose was so stuffed he could barely breath.

He hadn't even realized his uncle was hugging him until the first soft choked hiccup wracked his body, causing him to jolt. Eddie let it all out now, everything he'd been holding in for years, into his uncle's shoulder. And he swore it was hours before he finally calmed down, even if it was only about fifteen minutes.

And it might not have been much, but the weak smile his uncle Wayne gave him was enough to make him feel okay, that everything would work out somewhat fine for him.

(Spoiler Alert his parents never come back to get him and it doesn't matter because Eddie gets to live a more supportive and happy live with his uncle :) )

[acourtofthought]

I'm 100% reading the next ACOTAR books (even if it's an E/riel book, I'll give it a shot even though I have 0 interest in them as a couple) and I have no idea who the next one is about but I can't help but hope for an Elucien book :(

I like Elain and I want to learn more about her, but Lucien has been one of my favorite characters since book 1 and I want his POV so badly. I'm almost convinced they're next. I feel like there's no urgency for Gwyn and Azriel's story, since Gwyn was just introduced in the previous book and Az has only just begun to get over Mor.

Though I'm petty and I hope Gwyn and Lucien are somehow related lol there's no way she won't like him

I want to tackle your last comment first.

Can I tell you how much I cackle at the thought of Gwyn being related to Lucien which means Az would then be Lucien's in-law? 😂😂😂 And Lucien having a whole "but are you good enough for my cousin / niece, etc?" moment? I'm sure SJM would never write that but I take delight in it from time to time.

On to the rest....

I'm with you, I will absolutely read an E/riel book if that's what SJM writes and I'm sure I'll enjoy it well enough (though right now, I also have no interest in a book about them). I don't absolutely love the Crescent City series but I like Quinlar together (even though they aren't in my top SJM favorite couples). TOD wasn't my favorite TOG book but I still liked who ended up with who. SF isn't my favorite ACOTAR novel but I still like Nessian together.

Something I feel SJM does so well is write spectacular romance. I'm not even talking about the smut, I'm talking about the way she takes two people, places them in one another's orbits but throws a whole bunch of shit their way before they actually fall in love. Her romances feel so real to me, they build so beautifully (no insta-love which I struggle with) so by the time they get together, the depth of feelings between them seems powerful. And she never writes that awkward teenage love stage between her endgame couples. They're not silly and giddy or shy around one another as they're falling in love. They act like adults who communicate, call one another out and throw hard truths at each other, talking about the deep stuff.

So if E/riel is endgame, she will give them that treatment.

I've yet to see it in their interactions though (especially when you consider neither party is against chatting with the other) which is a huge part of why I don't think they're happening.

But Elucien would be on a whole other level.

Imagine SJM giving us an entire book of two people whose strengths lie, not in their skills as a warrior (though Lucien does have that going for him when necessary) but in how clever they both are? How observant they are? How good they are at getting what they want because they're just so good at knowing exactly what to say to people? Where people are ready to hand them over whatever they want because they're just so damn likeable? How no one has any idea what the hell they're thinking half the time because they're always so polite and well mannered, they rarely lash out, yet you know they must have a million and one things going through their mind and you just know that under the surface there's this incredible passionate side to them that they only share with one another?

Everyone wins with an Elucien endgame. Az because he can get his own mate. Elain and Lucien so they aren't forced to feel a tug to one another for eternity. Feyre because her first friend in Prythian becomes her brother-in-law. Rhys because he gets connections all over (listen, it's a valid reason for a High Lord). Nesta because she knows that Lucien would never be disloyal to her sister and knows Elain would never struggle with the tug of an unfulfilled bond. Cassian because he already feels bad seeing Lucien's disappointment.

This part Gwynriels may want to turn away from because they won't like it as much  (nothing bad, just in regards to the next book) 😬🙈

Lucien's story has been building since book 1. Now only that but SJM has been thinking about Lucien's story long enough that she completely retconned his father in book 2, the same time she began planning for Elain's future journey. She continued setting up for their novel in book 3 when she introduced Koschei and Vassa. She again continued setting up their journey in the novella when she told us how much of a concern it is that Springs borders have been left unenforced (a plot we know would be related to Lucien considering he told Feyre it's not that he doesn't want to return to Spring, it's that he can't because of her schemes). She set them up even more in SF by telling us how Spring had been made for someone like Elain, by telling us Lucien is now permanently stationed there, by introducing the idea of Elain traveling to the continent south of the tulip fields and having Lucien set his sights on Koschei in the same part of the continent. We have Feyre say they'll help one sister before helping the other, we have Lucien showing powers of a High Lord and we have Elain finally standing up for herself as well as Amren and Rhys telling us that Elain is ready for more.

Az and Gwyn featured heavily in SF because they are Nesta and Cassian's best friends and Nesta's journey was about her learning who she was outside of Elain. But that doesn't mean anything we learned about them needs resolved before Elucien's story needs resolved.

Lucien's internal struggles were introduced in his POV in ACOWAR. Az's internal struggles were introduced in ACOSF. Elain's trauma was presented to us in ACOMAF. Gwyn's trauma was presented to us in ACOSF.

Now all these characters traumas are equally valid and equally difficult for them to overcome, they all deserve their stories to be told. However, I'm not sure why Gwynriels story should trump that of Elucien's when Elucien has been waiting their turn since books 1 and 2. We have witnessed their traumas occurring on page throughout the series, Lucien being SA, abused by Tamlin, his mates indifference, being chased out of Spring, fighting in his first war, his brothers trying to kill him again. We've seen Elain's kidnapping (twice), her being held down and forced into a Cauldron, her body violated when she was made, the rejection of her fiance, witnessing war, stabbing a man, seeing her father murdered, Az's rejection, knowing her sisters don't believe in her and is probably aware her sisters don't seek her out for anything more than "pleasant companionship",

I think Gwyn is a fantastic character and perfect for Az and I already see the crumbs for them. But.... I do think their story can still wait just a bit because it's not been as long coming.

And I get why SJM had to put Nessian's story first but she's been vocal about her love for Lucien for years now and though his story had to be put on hold for Feyre's and Nesta's, I can't imagine she suddenly just stopped wanting to tell his story. She's built it up in every single book since the start.

I also don't know what she'd do with Elain and Lucien's characters in yet another book that they were not the main POV. We'd have another Solstice of Elain hiding from Lucien. More IC scenes with Elain in the background and SJM having to continue demonstrating how she doesn't quite fit in (which she already did in SF), more scenes of Rhys talking about how they need Spring up and running and how they're worried about what Koschei's up to (things that will only be resolved in an Elucien book). It would all start feeling a bit repetitive.

With that said, I'm not SJM and who knows if her idea of what makes sense matches with my idea of what makes sense. The way I view this could be completely different than hers. There are way more people who think Gwynriel will have ACOTAR 5 so sometimes that makes me wonder if I'm crazy for being so strong in my convictions 😂

[saltygilmores]

THOUGHTS WHILE WATCHING GILMORE GIRLS, SEASON 1/ EPISODE 9 ("RORY'S DANCE")

What happens in this episode: Lorelai convinces Rory to go to the Chilton dance even though she didn't really want to. Dean goes with her. Dean and Tristan meet and predictably form a whirling vortex of douchebaggery. A tornado of shitfuckery. Rory and Dean fall asleep at Miss Patty's and Lorelai has a shit-fit. Some boring scenes occur with Lorelai, Emily and bananas on toast. Paris and Tristan do not get eaten by bears. Memorable Quotes: "It'll be all sparkly and exciting, you'll be standing on the dance floor while some great looking guy stares at you so hard that you won't even realize that Paris and Tristan have just been eaten by bears." "Dean does not hang out in trees." "It'll be stuffy, and boring, the music will suck, since none of the kids like me, I'll be standing at the back listening to 98 Degrees watching Tristan and Paris argue over which one of them can make me miserable first." Oh come on Rory. 98 Degrees were great. And on the middle rung of the 90s boyband hierarchy too- she could have said Nsync or Backstreet Boys instead- so I'm awarding two nostalgia points. Future Nostalgia points will be awarded for the 98 Degrees poster Emily eventually puts up in her room. I was just thinking, "Okay Dean's behavior isn't all that bad yet", but then I remembered this is the episode where Dean and Tristan punch each other. Look what you made me do. I almost gave you benefit of the doubt, you three ring butt circus. Here we go, Tristin is harrassing Rory again, but she's holding her ground.

I gotta admit, this Paris having a crush on Tristan thing feels weird and unnatural to me. He was "nice" to Rory? Paris is not that stupid. Why would she have a crush on such a huge prick? She hated Logan and as we all know, Tristin is just Low-Calorie Diet Logan. And also she really belongs with Rory instead. Is it Tristan or Tristin? I'm probably going to go back and forth between both spellings. Memorable Quote: "You're slimy and weasly, yes, but stupid, no. But you'd have to be stupid, given our history, to think I would EVER, barring a piano or safe falling on my head, want to go anywhere with you...EVER."

A very correct assesment of Dean.

Dean Forrester everyone! "The Good Kid/Perfect Boyfriend"

It's no Big Silver Dick Rocket (the one Logan gifted Rory) but it's got its charm.

I adore these two babes. Highly unrrated friend pair. Rory is surprised when she finds out that Paris took her cousin to the dance but Rory dated a boy who would eventually become her step-cousin, lol. Both the teenage girls AND adult women on the show are jealous of Rory for dating Dean, Tristan is jealous of Dean for dating Rory and now Paris' cousin is hitting on Rory. Dean and Rory are both very ordinary people so this is mind boggling to me. To quote the great Dorothy Zbornak, he has the personality of a dial tone. Huh. Dean is being suspiciously sweet, polite, well behaved and charmingly awkward so far. It's all about to go to hell. Dean and Tristan run into each other and get into a pointless confrontation over nothing. A vortex of douchebaggery opens up at the Chilton dance when two clowns meet. Dozens of students witness the confrontation. There are no teachers or chaperones anywhere in sight. The fight continues to escalate with very little interference.

Well, I guess not every insult can surpass the burn of Dean calling Jess "The Glad Man" for taking out the garbage.

Red flag. Red Flag. Red Flag. Red Flag. There' s still time Rory.

I always wondered if Rory is flattered that boys are constantly beating the shit out of each other over her, or does she find it embarrassing?

What does this even MEAN?

Poor Rory. She looks like a defeated little mouse. Memorable Quote: "I'm not fighting you, it would be like fighting an accountant! I'll call you when I need my taxes done!" -Dean to Tristan WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?! How does Tristan look like an accountant? AT ALL? Wouldn't an accountant stereotype be wearing glasses or something? My god, Dean Forrester has the WORST burns, but they're so bad they make me laugh. Dean shoved Tristan earlier. Tristan now lunges at Dean and they get into a fight. Dean calls Tristan an idiot and threatens to kill him. Within the span of two years, Dean gets into two violent fights with another boy over Rory. To Dean's credit: Tristan was really being an asshole here and getting right up in Dean's face, not letting him move, repeatedly, and lunges at Dean; and Dean did say "I'm not going to fight you", so I will give him something of a pass (not pulling the fulll Dean Card though) for trying to defend himself, but his temper was still scary and Rory should have been very concerned. Instead they merrily stroll away from the whole thing and go out for coffees. Then there was the time he started fighting Jess totally unprovoked (and somehow Jess got the blame for that one?) but that episode is a doozy for a much later time.

Menacing shit. Tristan then tries to confront Dean AGAIN.

CMM looks 12 here. What are we fighting for, dudes? No offense to Rory. But she's just not worth this. And, you're both walking red flags. She deserves better. Rory and Dean leave the dance, walking home calmly discussing the dance, like two people didn't just escape being arrested for assault or at a minimum, Tristan could have gotten expelled or suspended (but he will be eventually). They just left the dance like nothing ever happened. No one followed them out or asked them any questions. Rory: "I don't know how I feel about this. Having my boyfriend defend my honor." Welp it feels like it would be exhauting since this "honor defending" will continue to keep happening to her. Oh okay. Dean is now officially Rory's boyfriend. That seems like a reasonable conclusion to what just transpired.

And Jess brings books to strip clubs, what's your point?

Dean: What are all these little symbols on the paper? Rory: Those are called words Dean is now going to read aloud from the book and yet no one fucking asked.

It's the Karen Brigade! Lorelai understandably loses her shit after Rory doesn't come home after the dance, but I'd really hate to see what would have happened if that was Jess instead.

Rory really should have saved herself for Jess. Sigh.

...yet. BIG yet. The Bad: Red Flags galore. Rory and Dean are now an official couple. Barf. The Meh: There was too much juicy drama to make the scenes of Emily and Lorelai at home eating toast on the couch seem interesting. I eventually just started to skip past them. Lauren Graham's shit-fits are so dramatic and over the top! The Confusing: Dean and Tristan nearly kill each other, so Rory and Dean make their relationship official. Dean's insults make no sense. Paris once again witnesses Tristan harrassing Rory and has a confusing reaction.

[nochi-quinn]

legend of vox machina watch party episodes 10-12: non-fungible thordak

"she's not having any of our shit tonight"

did matt get a haircut

"you're not leaving 'til 2 am, bitch"

"are you a vampire coven?" "if taliesin were here we could talk about it"

episode 10 act 4 part 3

"this is where we forgot to draw the city"

liam fangirling his own show

"OPE he lost his fingers"

"stop SPOILING. there's gonna be ACTION in the show."

"the tree piece in this game is really OP"

"shitty vox machina came in to ruin their Warhammer game"

"I forget which animals are fused with humans."

"shut UP matt"

"shout out - oh shit he's in the room"

"you slapped porkchops for like hours"

why does that sound like a euphemism

"I feel like that'd be it for me"

"matt mercer is mean!" "I didn't spend hours building those toothpick barricades for nothing!"

"that's why we named her pike"

"is there no basement? there is not"

bassment

I love how much they love their show. I know I was poking at liam earlier but it genuinely is so charming

"same arrow! that's called being responsible"

phil defending his poor herdsmen

"you guys are VIOLENT"

"TOP ROPE"

"spoilers!" maybe it'll be different on my screen

"and they were correct"

I FORGOT HE ONLY HAD ONE HITPOINT

recklegreweapomastah

"you sound like you've had your ass kicked" environmental storytelling

"there's a z-pack in there somewhere"

"zanror, needlessly hot" liam is fully horny on main tonight

"are they brothers like neptune and uranus were cousins"

"but I was born in canada"

"I actually had to shit myself for that line" "we all did"

"it's fun! and also disgusting!"

"let's not psychoanalyze me tonight"

"keyleth is the cutest" glad we're all in agreement

matt is all of us

"get a JOB leave him ALONE"

"she's bullying vax" "you're not wrong"

"he's doing the whole band" how else are you gonna get backstage

"we had to cut things from other episodes to get in 'at dawn we plan'" good

you are now Neutral with The Herd

release the underwear bible

"it is a square"

"you know what's weird? watching this scene with your kids"

"HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THIS" "it was very difficult"

"did you have to have a talk about bondage and safety?!"

"we have…DIFFERENT PARENTING STYLES"

COLOR SCRIPT COFFEE TABLE BOOK

GIMME

that's a cool band logo

oh NO

matt broke all over again

listen sometimes you just have to have a mental breakdown, it's good for your mental health

"we asked! we forgot."

"turkey vulture!"

"in a week we can talk about it. …something else bad will happen by then." my life for the past year and a half

sam: let me make this as awkward as possible so it can only get better from here

"you write a creepy thing and you feel guilty about it" "critical role"

the writers were on top of that one

"we talk all the time you guys"

"none of this should be happening"

"see, now chat's mad at you"

SAM

THAT was liam?!

I'm turning in my voice actor fan card

"you're gonna be the guy they hit"

the fact that he wasn't doing a low bass was why I didn't clock him tbh

"take that, vegeta"

EPISODE ELEVEN

"seventy-five!" "eighty-three!" "hike!"

OH the mugs!

samuel

"beautiful nonsense scene"

travis slapping sam's hand away from the edits

"what you did is bad!"

"THIS IS A GOOD SHOW"

"I'm sure it's fine"

"this is taliesin's front yard, actually"

"look what they did to my boy"

"campaign 4 reference, shh"

"kiss him, vax"

I looked up the show sam and liam referenced, it aired 92-93. I was 4.

umbrasyl listens to linkin park, it's canon

"he's a lot less menacing if you think of him as a whiny kid" there's a lot of that in that last fight

"award-winning awkwardness"

"ashley did not have to act here"

"I think taliesin wrote some of this bullshit"

"if you'd stop FEEDING THEM"

"cut my heart out" liam gets me

"blood pools are my kink"

"it's capri-sun, it's fine"

"it's a discotek at night"

"I've had this dream" I have been blessed to not have drowning dreams, if that changes now I'm fighting matt in the street

between the two of them liam and courtenay voiced half of new vegas

matt drop the raven queen lore

matt you have to tell sam's kids it's the law

"is it YOU?"

not the creepy cg mask

"he's just a little dork!" accurate

percy 100% would have been a train nerd

why did liam's mic pick up him knocking on his head so clearly

very cool that they built the trap in 3d

"this is basically a documentary"

"HO DAMN"

"he goes INVISIBLE?!"

phil with the list of the names

that, that "can't hit what you can't see" felt very adolescent to me

"some said longer, some said shorter" "we disregarded both!"

"the only episode this season where we end on a cliffhanger"

"episode 47 down"

travis I heard you echo that "duty"

remembering that liam went through all of this while dealing with his mother's death

matt: like comment and subscribe

"if you don't do it you'll turn into a squidface" "that's season 3"

"for some people that's a plus"

I don't know why I like the phrasing "deity version" so much

"there's love there!"

the way he says "conversations" means those two have definitely had at least one fistfight over canon

DARGINS

weasel dragon

Dragon Department

CEO of Dragons

I want "Dragon Team" on my resume

"because percy invented the metric system"

"it's canon now"

17 de Rolos

UMBRASSYL

"chat wants you to show - " "your muscles"

"I practice in the car so my neighbors don't call 911"

EPISODE TWELVE

hope devouwewer

"I want a pink dragon that spits out glitter"

"back inside that bad dragon" liam no

watch out for that treeeee

"but HOW THOUGH" sam gets me

"always bring a healer" stares at laura

"when the raven from the opening went by I fell out of the chair"

"you don't have to choose one" mica/percy/vax polycule

embiggened vestige

umbrasyl on 3G

"YOU'RE NOT MY DAD"

travis keeps catching himself from saying "d&d" and says "ttrpg"

"that's just liam just talking to me"

"kiss her you fool"

scanlan as paul rudd makes 100% sense and I hate it

"RUDE. UNNECCESARY. didn't have to do it and did it anyway"

vex can't feel vax bc gatshadow's made of lead

"ancient dragon, he can do what he wants"

"we had another ending in case we didn't get a season 3 where scanlan ran and everyone died" "whAT?"

"why would you DO THAT TO ME"

liam stop saying bad dragon

"ANIME YELL"

to make an omelette you have to crack a few scanlans

"that's a scrabble word"

"the theme….but slow"

"it's all hue lights"

wait WHAT

rewatches every previous yennen scene

"she could have written a letter" but the mail fraud

age has only done amazing things to cree summer's voice

"what porpoise"

"to go do Vegas"

"put it all on red"

"I'm putting it all into bitcoin"

"he's a cryptobro" "he IS the big bad!"

"you don't get the egg, but there's a code for each individual egg"

I made the poor decision to drink liquids during the watch party again

"that's that thing that I said!"

you know what it makes me think of lernie from hades

this is not a complaint

GOD I mentioned an artbook and now I want it so bad

thordak: talking mad shit for someone in thagomizer range

sketchy vax wings?!

sketchy vax wings!!

"it's not over for all you lefthanded people"

"my wife's a lefty and every morning I say the same thing"

"don't worry laura, you'll be something someday"

The Internets

where's that comic that always makes me cry with the AWNP lines over That Counterspell

matt dropped out of art school to be a rules lawyer

ghibli keyleth!!

cASSeteria

"now you've made me sad" "GOOD"

"fifteen seasons and a movie trilogy"

"he's the EP so he said he gets the killing blow"

"is that you writing" "he uses a typewriter"

"oh god I have to do this again"

[am-i-sans]

DND adventures 25

continuing the crossover!

(my power went off i have to rewrite maybe multiple times)

cam and wheatley are back from eeby deeby. cam gets to experience the horrors! yay! frog and dans comfort them and then other cam tries to slap dans for touching them and then switches back. frog and dans gets to learn a little about cams kid yay!

they switch back again and other cams family is concerned how strange their acting. keeps saying how much they love them. other cam is fuckin scared and demands to know why they arent at home.

cam runs out and towards another home and talks to a bird person named net and asks for a hug. awwww. another one named survey shows up and also joins the hug. then the others show up. bird pile lol.

cam suddenly stands straight up and tries to warn the others of the ice dragon but disappears before telling them where it is. when they get back they mention a robed lady hmmm. dorf asks about the lady but cam cant speak.

(im helping kay with something) teya looks really dead lol. (retcon raising them last time) tori is eyeing them and also trying to watch frog. senna rushes over to teya. tori is gonna attack! frog, senna, and wheatley try to protect teya! dorf fails to hold tori back!

teya wakes up in time and counterspells! she steps back in shock! dorf steps in between them and yells at tori that teya isnt just a normal undead. teya rips into tori for being a shitty parent and person in general. tori killed the babies and abandoned the surviving siblings. teya prays her kids dont turn into her since tori is like her mother. tori fuckin walks away. teya mumbles shes not dumb enough to follow her this time.

cam whistles and mumbles in bird. dans can tell they said fuck and asks for them to watch frog and they go after tori. undyne is just kinda shocked all over lol. wheatley just feels awkward and turns back to talk to zen. android starts being a little bitch and everyone yells at him to shut up. senna hugs teya poor girl. the dorfs have stabilized the portal.

suzy tries to hit android with the bone hammer lol. nana also attacks android and hits him in the knees. he pulls out his cannon! wheatley tries to grapple android and manages to shove him to the ground! suzy laughs and thinks nana is cool. dorf casts hold on everyone to stop the fighting.

dorf comments its been a long time since hes seen nana (their both old lol) shades walks over and asks him to fix their blueness. he comments that shades was nice to him but cant remember why. shades says its cause dans saved her life and since their cousins she thinks hes cool. no longer blue fuck yeah!

cam tries to speak to tori. tori sniffles and tells cam to go away. they refuse and hold onto her robes a little. tori asks why their staying around when their such a bad person? cam says their friends. tori is shocked. cam comments that they kinda have to be. and also they cant raise frog alone lol. tori apologizes but says they dont know how else to behave. cam comments they tried to kill dans today. tori is like what? cam explains they uh didnt get the full info and thought that dans WAS the kid being tortured lol. tori laughs and says this group is a mess. it really is.

teya gets more points F. senna comforts her. dans pulls a parental move and tells frog they arent responsible for what happens between tori and teya and to let the adults handle their own business and that its ok to be upset. frog is mad and wants to help. (this is also sans and frisk talking across the dnd table lol) frog screams 'what can i do?!' dans comments that sometimes theres nothing you CAN do. frog yells that their gonna do something ANYWAY. dans says this is the ADULTS responsibility. frog and dans are fuckin butting heads.

both dorfs go up to dans and ask if hes ok. dans says frog is having a hard time, and asks them to go to teya cause shes falling apart lol. frog mumbles and says their fine and go up to teya to apologize for what happaned :( teya also says its not up to frog to apologize and that its fine. same talk! teya says they should focus on being a kid.

old dorf comments on youth and senna says he cheated cause he can make a clone. frog is like WHAT has everyone here died? wheatley comments he didnt and senna reminds him he fucked with something that exploded. dans goes to raise his hand and shades forces it down. android tries to speak up and senna says no your a dick no soul.

undyne goes up to android and punches him in the face! tori and cam walk back in on this lol. yep he gets knocked over. suzy nana and parsley cheer! wheatley squaks and runs over to android. 'is inferno a robot now?!' wheatley begs him not to fight and shades says hes fuckin outnumbered. everyones arguing about violence. wheatley asks dorf if they can go home now.

cam walks up to frog and asks if their ok. frog says they are (lies, and teya gets 2 more points.) teya and tori look at each other, and teya tells senna its time to leave. cam walks up to tori and whispers they might feel better if they apologize. dans is staring and judging tori. tori tries to walk to teya. senna tells teya to not leave angry, and that tori can never apologize to HER teya, but teya's tori is still alive. teya sighs and walks over.

shades is chasing space core around. its adorable. vani and henry join them.

tori apologizes for her actions and is grateful she got to spend time with her once more. teya nods and tells her to be better than mom was. everyone begins to group up and prepare to depart. dorf says goodbye to dans. dans says in every universe, dorf is his favorite cousin.

dorf tears up and calls over the younger dorf. he has to remove younger dorfs memory to preserve the timeline. hes totally ok with it. he passes out lol. shades picks him up and says they'll look after him. older dorf does say that dans and regular dorf do get to spend time together. spacecore runs up to older dorf and asks for a star. he hands it over lol. but he wants the CLOAK star, to protect friends :( he hands him a whole part of the robe he rips off! its a tiny robe!

frog runs up to teya and hugs her and says it was nice to meet her. frog feels how squishy she is but doesnt care. dorf comments its gonna take longer to get his books. he wishes he could hug them but hes currently a stranger. frog hugs him anyway lol. shades also hugs him lol.

senna and dans have a staredown again before turning away. dorf raises everyone up on a platform to the rift and away they go and the rift disappears.

[gnattyplayssims]

1946 Pt1 - Sofia's Escape

"Everyone out of the way, crazy man with a chair coming through!!"

Stefan laughed as his dad wheeled him through the estate as fast as his arms could carry them. They rolled past Lizbeth who yelled out when they almost knocked the early morning drink from her hand.

"Alright bud, it's almost time for school let's go get breakfast."

"Ugh! Can I ride your back into the kitchen?"

"Okay hop on. Easy now."

"Dad how'd you get this scar?"

"I'll tell you that story when you're older."

"Awe man, why?"

"Cause right now you need to get to school."

The kids headed to school and Hezekiah settled into his spot in the living room. "Now what?"

"Why do you just assume there's something wrong?"

"If there's nothing wrong, then we have no reason to talk."

"You seriously can't even look at me?"

"Looking is too painful, Anabelle."

"I noticed Sofia feeling a bit left out when you were giving Stefan rides this morning"

He felt anger fill him as he looked up at her. "Are you seriously accusing me of not having a relationship with the daughter YOU kept from me?"

"Forget it. I just thought you'd care to know"

No matter how angry he was at Anabelle, Hezekiah hated the thought of either of his children feeling like he didn't love them. "I noticed you enjoy books. Would you like me to read you a story?"

"Sure." Sofia had never had a book read to her. It felt awkward to just listen.

Hezekiah read with all the appropriate emotion and Sofia liked the sound of his voice. It made her wonder what it might have been like to grow up like this. If only her existence hadn't ruined everything.

Kye watched her snoring softly and smiled. "Good night, Dandelion."

"Everything okay?"

"Oh um...yes. I was just thinking"

"About what. Wait let me guess, you picked up a new novel." Sofia laughed nervously and he put his arm around her, pulling her closer and planting a barely perceptible kiss on her temple. "I'm teasing. Seriously, what's up?"

They left the community garden and continued down the street. Nikolas pulled away and took her hand. "Come on, you know you can trust me."

"Let's sit for a bit. I'm tired." He led her to a nearby tree and they settled in underneath it. "I ran away, Nik. It's awful there."

"What do you mean she's gone?"

"She wasn't in her bed when I woke up this morning I checked the garden, the swings, even Lizzie's room...she's not here."

"How does an 11 year old just disappear."

"She must have snuck past me. You were the one who put her to bed."

"So what, you're saying I did something last night that made her run away? We read a bedtime story how is that threatening?"

"Right I forgot, everything is my fault now. Cause nothing bad could have possibly happened if you'd been in her life."

"Just find her Anabelle! Please."

He could feel himself shattering as she stood. Sofia was missing! He should be the one scouring the neighborhood to find her. That's what dad's were supposed to do when their daughters were in trouble. But he was only half a man. He couldn't even protect his own daughter.

"Is it really that bad?"

"I mean I guess it could be worse. The house is really big and there's a garden and I have cousins. Three of them."

"So what's the problem."

"My parent's fight all the time and it's always about me. I thought famlies were supposed to love each other."

"Not all families do. I mean you saw what kinds of kids were in Canal Corner, I don't think many of them could vouche for good families."

"Kyler would."

"Don't get me started. If I hear one more comment from him about the 'perfect woman' I'm jumping in the harbor."

"Maybe I'm the problem."

"What?"

"I mean they got along before I showed up and I'm the one they fight about. Maybe if I was really gone..."

Nik lay down in her lap and looked up at her. "You're not the problem, Sof. If they can't see that, then it's their loss."

Nikolas sat up and pulled her into a hug. "You know I'll always have your back whatever you decide."

"Will you help me get a train ticket?"

"Where will you go?"

"I don't know. I took some money from my mom's drawer. Wherever's cheapest."

He took her hand, "Cheapest it is."

They walked to the station hand-in-hand and he told her about the family that had taken him in after the fire. "They're nothing like yours. The dad gets drunk all the time, like your aunt Lizbeth but he gets violent. I usually have to go hide under the bed till he cools down."

They came to the station and Nik pulled her into a hug. "I'm gonna miss you Sof. I hope we find each other again someday." She pulled back but he pulled her back toward him, pressing his lips against hers. "Something to remember me by."

"Silly. I wouldn't forget."

"Sofia!" Anabelle was racing towards them.

"Mom?"

"Thank the Watcher I found you! What are you doing out here all alone."

"I'm not alone...er Nikolas was here. I think you scared him. I was getting on the train."

"The train? Why?"

"I want you and dad to be happy again."

"Sweetheart, leaving wouldn't change anything. I know it's hard to understand but we would have broken up even if I hadn't brought you home."

"I just wanted to have a real family but ours is all broken"

"I know sweetheart. But broken families can still be fixed. Ours can be too"

Kye hadn't bothered dressing. He leaned on the bed, watching the clock on the dresser ticking off the seconds. His body had become a prison. A cage his daughter would never know him without. Experiences they could never get back. Anabelle had stolen all that. He'd never forget.

1946 Pt2 - Finding Forgiveness

[audiovisualrecall]

I miss the days of writing out rps and stories with friends, even if I've always been bad at sticking with something and would get bored or stressed out or too busy at times. I miss that fandom culture thing, forum boards for big role play story games. I miss the active primeval fandom (family). I miss when even stevetony fandom was more active than it is. I haven't been able to participate in any events due to lack of spoons and time, but I miss when there were like 20 stories in the bb/rbb events and tons of bingo fill posts. I miss when I had the spoons and time and motivation to participate, too. It just seems so exhausting to try, now. Or uncomfortable.

Maybe I cringe more than I should at the thought of doing things that I used to like, even tho I'd never put down anyone else for it. Idk. It's like how I can't really play pretend at all anymore I used to make up these epic story games with friends and with my younger cousins when we were young. At some point they didn't want to play anymore, and I felt self conscious about being x age and playing pretend crawling around as a cat and chasing bad guys and saving the day and whatever else we did, I stopped because no one else wanted to play, and I beat back the urge to play pretend and tried to make the boring adult talking thing interesting to me. And then my sister had a kiddo and as he got big enough to play, I realized I couldn't do it anymore. I'd lost the magic. I felt self conscious, uncomfortable, even though you're supposed to play with kids, I cringed, I tried anyway and it was like there was a semi-opaque wall between me and the story games he made and I tried to participate in. We played hide and seek a lot when I wasn't good at playing at star wars. That was fun, until people would comment on me being his playmate and paying attention to us and I became self conscious and uncomfortable. I didn't want to sit around talking about boring things when me nephew wanted to play, though! So we played anyway, but the magic of playing pretend is lost to me. And then my cousins had little ones, a whole gaggle, and after initial awkwardness for them meeting new people, I was instantly their playmate, and I didn't mind or care what others thought, it was fun, and with so many of them running around, everyone else was playing on and off, too. But I still couldn't play pretend, much. I was happy to be the jungle gym and had 4 or 5 of my cousins' kiddos climbing and jumping on me and to tickle them and chase them and be silly, and race toy cars around with them. But the stories where you grow up and you can't touch the magic anymore? Yeah, I Haye the stories because for me they're true, and it's not because it's inherent but because social pressure made it happen.

Somehow the way I can't imagine participating in fandom, in ways that would longterm make me happy, because I get self conscious or exhausted, it comes from or is the same thing that cost me the ability to play pretend. I used to write stories all the time,too. We're they any good, who cares, but I enjoyed it, and I wrote a lot for them. Original and fanfic. Now 'I'm not a writer'. I can barely make myself make art sometimes but at least I still feel I'm an artist, it's who I am, that's not changing at least. I don't write much, though.

I guess it's a potent mix of depression and social anxiety, intersecting with adhd and autism, and being a busy adult who has to work, that just leaves me... nothing. I do a lot of nothing, sometimes. Sometimes I do something, a bunch of somethings, I make some art, work on a project, I read a book or a fanfic or a few, I interact with one or two friends online in some capacity. I'm bad at my job that doesn't help anything, and rsd brain hates that. I have lots of hobbies, and projects half started, I buy things and enjoy things.

But I don't do certain things that I know used to bring me joy. Some because tbe internet has changed, and the old things don't work or exist anymore. Some because I can't get myself to. I'm tired of being tired, I'm tired of not having any real friends, I'm tired of not reaching out or talking to friends I know I have if only I did just that. I can't, though, I'm exhausted, talking sounds so exhausting, uncomfortable. I overthink everything I type in a message to a friend. I overthink everything in general. I can't get myself to reply. And then I forget. And time passes and it becomes Hardee and then impossible to. For me.

[sorcerous-caress]

I find myself thinking of Khal'ian "Bad ending" as I'm doing voice editing.

His whole journey is finding his emotions clearly, and learning that burying them to fit into another ideals is not a way to live. That he doesn't have to be constantly docile or hide the ugly side of his grief to be seen as a person worthy of respect or companionship.

After that, he can finally start to make peace with his identity as both githzerai and githyanki. Perhaps maybe all his kin can be, and he sets forth to make strides to unify them all under the banner of gith again. Louder than anything that the Sha'sal Khou were doing before, times are changing, and with Orpheus at their side, it feels like a more achievable goal.

Yet he can only see this to the end if the right decision is made, right when Khal'ian contacts his monastery again with his new realization.

Some of the younger Githzerai are willing to listen, some out of curiosity, others that are simply happy that another monk is giving voice to the secret thoughts that they've been harboring.

The older Githzerai are a different story.

Perhaps it's due to the countless amounts of blood spilled over the millennia or hate that as solidified so deep that the other side can't even see them a kin anymore.

Khal'ian is rejected by his elders and handed down a judgment that shall be swiftly executed by Zerths coming for him.

When they arrive, they assure Tav/Durge that they are not going to kill Khal; The Githzerai of their monastery are not their savage cousins. It will be cleaner.

Handing over Khal'ian will result in him being wiped essentially. A psionic technique will be applied to him. His emotional center is utterly removed. One can't help a rebellion if you're reduced to being benevolent - as benevolent as a soulless walking mannequin can be.

He becomes what his fears more than anything

emotionless

Tav/Durge is given free rein to use him for battle as they see fit, as a peace offering for handing him over.

But the monk they get back isn't even a person anymore. The technique used was akin to a lobotomy, and if one succeeds a perception check, you'll find out it wasn't even done properly. They just destroyed the connection to his body and soul with no hesitation.

There's nothing behind those peach colored eyes now, but you still have gotten a weapon out of it, a soldier that will follow orders without that awkward tumbling.

That's what you wanted, right?

Khal'ian last self-aware words would be

" Tell Issal, Sha Va Zai my sister"

Plead for his best friend to know that he loves them, then utter nothingness.

Fuck that's so good omfg. Painfully good and fitting. Especially with a character like him who struggled with not fitting the proper warrior trope but still tried his best! Still attempted to float in the waters drowning him. Because he had a genuine desire to swim even if he struggled behind the rest.

So it makes sense for Tav to hand him over, they can rationalise it. After all, it is what Khal'ian said he wants, right?

And it stings so much more that this happened after he finally decided not to bury his emotions, after he genuinely trusted Tav and let them see the "ugly" sides of him, the unfitting sides for a supposed monk.

Because it is a grave he digged himself when Tav sees this one usually wise guy act so unlike himself out of the sudden, of course they'll think something is wrong if they never bothered to know him better before.

Of course they'll think the solution the githzerai are offering would just bring back the usual old Khal'ian, not realising it completely destroyed all resemblance of any personal thoughts he has ever held until it's too late to turn back.

A soul lobotomy omfg. Leave it to Gith technically to invent something like that and not hesitate to use or for the "betterment of society" even their supposed peaceful monk groups can be brutal.

While for Khal'ian it is the end, he treats it as the death it is because he knows he will be nothing more than an empty shell, a walking corpse. But his last words aren't anger, resentment or regret, but love.

He had a last chance at life, a last breath to exhale into this uncaring universe and he chose love. For his found family sister. <\3

[memoriesoftanalorr]

Let's get the story straight, my life wasn't perfect and I wasn't as social. Can I wrote that my frustration and anxiety is follows me not matter how I'm trying to stay positive. Something upsetting me.

Let's begin from the start. Well I studied in a small school for children with disability which I'm hiding from my college classmates because they're already called me not like the others and a failure or a freak. Well it's all about my eyesight and awkward personality.

Well, at school I was good, sometimes I had marks A's and B's and at college I'm tried so hard and get some friend there. Well still I'm was so dependable on my parents when I was at school.

At college, I'm just hated the way they're all asking one thing. Do you have a boyfriend? Or we're can find someone to you. Oh, seriously? In fact, I'm get damaged by boys at school which making me gave up on even making friends with them though I have some online friends that are male (DA and here.) So I never fall in love and I'm think it's would be troubled. Dunno, any intimate stuff making me sick. Though I would love to have some softie who would help me, share their thoughts and interests with me but I don't have any next door. How sad.

Maybe if I studied even more harder at college, I'd get something better but I'm already was good but it wasn't enough. We're tried but I can't get further after college cause of my unsocial behavior and my eyesight that get worse. But if I could try harder. But I was so depressed cause of nothing goes what I'm planning, I'm stopping trying and learning. I shouldn't do that. I guess my depression and PTSD ate me. I was angry. Then my mom getting in the hospital several times and it's ended really tragic. I mean it was years of bad things happening but later on we're going to countryside and we're met new people that cares about me. How would you feel overhearing that your cousin get into university, I'm wasn't sad or jealous but when my dad hinted on my cousin get in university I'm starting feeling myself like I'm the worst. Well, never mind. I have what I have and I can't change anything anymore. I mean I can't change the past. I can't change myself, I mean completely.

Though I learned a lot. Maybe let go and be braver. At least my mom's friend saying forget it. She's right. Alright, I'll be positive and productive!

[deepestperfectiondragon]

September 25, 2023

Well shit, it's been a while since I've posted here and A LOT has happened since. But since my mental health has started to be a lot worse again I figured writing would help. So here I am.

So me and my boyfriend have been together for a year now, it was actually our one year the other day. Let me tell you, we definitely got past the honeymoon stage LOL. Don't get me wrong though I wouldn't trade him for the world, but we have had our ups and downs for sure (like any relationship). Me and him have both said some stupid shit or done some stupid shit to each other, but we've also gotten to know each other a lot more and work through all the hard times together which in my opinion only brought us closer in the end. Things have been good with him lately, we've been trying to work as a team again and it feels good. But on our 1 year his best friend passed away from an overdose, it's only been a week since but thing have been hard for both of us, more so him obviously. Just seeing him hurting makes me hurt, I've been trying to be there for him, I know he's had some moments where it may have gotten a little taken out on me but at the same time that's what I'm here for, he apologized afterwards and it's not like I don't understand the anger that comes with losing someone that meant a lot to you. Our relationship has kind of been put on hold for now I feel, but it's okay because I want him to grieve. For example our one year we didn't really celebrate, we haven't been having sex, we haven't really done much of anything, once again I'm not complaining, just hope we can come out of this stronger because the last thing I want is for this to affect us negatively. My cousin who passed away has been on my mind lately, her 5 year anniversary since she passed is on Friday, which makes this even harder for me because I'm having to support him while supporting myself all on my own. I'll get through it, but damn it's been hard. Friday is his friends funeral, and I had plans with my family for my cousins anniversary. I want to be there for him but I figured I haven't been able to grieve at all since his friends passing, and on that day I think to take some time and let it all out might be the smart thing to do for myself, I offered to go with him but he understands that it's a hard day for me as well and to go be with my family. I feel bad, but at the same time I know he won't be alone and I've been nothing but supportive to him all week.

On the other hand, things with my family have been weird as well. i have never felt so distanced from them all, I'm not sure if I did something, but everyone has been treating me like I have. I can't even get a conversation in with my dad, he acts awkward and distant and sometimes doesn't even reply back, he just keeps his face in his phone or replies with a couple words. My mom only reaches out to me when she wants money. My brother went on a trip and I haven't seen him since like I offered. Shits just weird right now, BUT I got to meet my new niece! My best friend just had her baby and I couldn't be happier. She is so adorable, and I am so excited she's here. I cannot believe that she's a mom now and I'm an auntie <3.

Things with school have been weird as well, I literally made one of the stupidest decisions of my life. I switched from massage to child and youth care, and I should of just stuck with massage. Child and youth is so overwhelming and I know my heart is in the right place, but my brain cannot handle it. I feel so drained since I started placement. I have no energy left in me with everything going on and dealing with these kids all day long. So I figured I'm going to use the credits I already have and switch back to massage next year. If I can't get in for January, it won't hurt to work and save up some money till next September as I won't be able to work summers for the next 2 years. I like to think I have a smart plan now, but no one has really validated that yet. Guess I'll just figure it out for myself and prove them all wrong haha. Honestly though. It's time I start living for me, no one else. Life is too short to try and figure out what everyone else wants me to do, if they don't like what I'm doing, there's literally nothing forcing them to stay in my life. SO tired of fake ass people.

But ya lol, that's kind of an update of where I'm at right now. I like to think I'm doing better with this whole life thing than I would of been before. I honestly am at the point where I don't care what anyone thinks of me, I want to make myself happy now. I spent too many years trying to please everyone else and it was pretty much impossible and got me no where. Time to focus on me for real this time.

[ram-de]

campfire & cowardice

family gathering is one typical event i dread the most. well... not because my (more distant) relative are mean or anything. but, i always feel super anxious i feel like my anxiety is cranked up to the limit of what it could be. i guess there's like expectation and judgement and somehow i always feel like i'm going to mess up or say something stupid or be super awkward and out of place which actually is a self-fulfilling prophecy because i did exactly that.

in the grand scheme of things, one fact that calms me is that i'm not <anyone> but rather the <son of my parents> which made me feel better because people doesn't meet me for me but rather due to the circumstances of things i happened to tag along but they're here for say, my parents, or say, my older sibling. that's good in itself. but still.

there's also this thing, where my age is relatively close to my cousins, but due to whatever happened to me in my childhood that made me more reluctant to open up and more social as a kid, i... i feel like i'm so out of place. i don't know. listen... i think i've calmed down for now but that's because i haven't been called by my mom to go downstairs and meet the uncle and aunts yet. and um. i don't know.

there's one summer vacation. okay, not summer because i live in a country where there's only two seasons. um. it was year break vacation. whatever people called it. there's one vacation i visited the distant relative but also not very distant, and... and i don't know. i think in my head, i was always planned to say hello and just do conversation. but i ended up didn't say anything the whole vacation other than anything necessary. i don't know.

perhaps it's because the enthusiastic lowkey pressure from the parents to sort of made their kid get along or something. "hey! talk with him!" or stuff like, "you two are the same age, why don't you have a talk?" and the me, frozen just be stupid and smiled and let an awkward laugh and just said nothing. i thought i was cool doing that. FALSE. FALSE. FALSE. i'm the lamest. oh my goodness...

it's time like these that made me wish i was more... open to try. just be more outgoing, talk and whatever. it's stuff like these that made me feel like i lowkey influenced my brother to be kind of passive with the cousins too, because i don't initiate acts and well, role figure and stuff.

i am totally overthinking this.

it made me sad. sad that i couldn't be a proper son. i thought of hiding myself forever, but that'd be lonely and i guess i'll always feel like i'm living a lie. i could run away, i could hide, but at some point, truth will prevail. what good would it bring, saying the truth? well, i'll still be lonely, but at least i didn't have to carry the burden of lie.

i don't know if i am ever going to be ready. i think, as i grow up, my sibling are going to have their own family too. my parents are going to be older. there's going to be cute nephew and nieces to meet and i'm going to be an uncle. i... do i want to let all this go? just for a truth? there's compromise, as always. i could stay here, without telling others what needs to be told. i could do that. but. i don't know.

but. a lot of scenarios crossed my minds. but one thing in common, is that i feel like i'm a disappointment. by telling them that. because i broke whatever expectations. whatever trust. a precious thing. i broke a bond. and i don't know how to ever repair that. i don't know. i'm sure my parents would be upset, and i feel really sad if my mom sad because of this too. will they think that they raised me wrong at some point? will they think that i'm carrying a disease that's going to be spread around? will they think i would be a bad influences to nephews and nieces?

and what about my sibling? will they see me as the same me? will they think of me as the brother they always had? will they be sad that they couldn't change me and known this earlier to fix me? will they be avoiding me from that point on? or will they accept me, knowing i am a false presence?

i don't really care about the distant relatives. certain one, not all. because sometimes their word hurts even without meaning too. i don't know. not all, of course.

my being, my reason. i don't know why i felt the need to think of a hypothetical situation in my head. perhaps because i think it's a real possibility that could happen sometime in the far future. can i handle living alone, with the cost of the bond of my family? am i going to be a burden even by then? will i be the talk of the relatives? will this bring shame to the family? an embarassment? a failure? disgrace...? will they think of me without me around? will i be still, one of the family?

i'm going to be sad. if i were to leave my mom and never have to contact with her. i think... maybe she will understand or try to understand me... but... i don't know. i'm scared. it's not like i'm seeking for acceptance. i know i will never be correct. i just want a nod, an understandment, and maybe a hug to tell me i'm okay as i am. i'm scared. because i know the warmth family gave me. the shelter it always protect me. the hugs that calms me. the eyes that look at me as myself. the smiles that comfort me. the place where i will return to, always.

if it's so hard, why feel the need to leave? i don't know. it's so selfish. i'm so selfish, isn't it? a greedy being, wanting to have it all. why do i have to choose one in the first place. i'm as important as what my family is to me... isn't life is about compromise?

yeah, but how can i compromise this? being still around, but also with the big elephant in the room that everyone that would be too afraid to shoo? telling some but not all my closer family, giving them the responsibility to carry that burden with me? no... that's unfair. that's too much. that's selfish. this isn't anyone else problem so...

if it's me from high school, i would be typing stuff like, "if only i were born another person." or "if only i wasn't myself." but... to me now... i think i understood well that at the core of it all, i'm the only one i have, and this is the only life i have to live. so i try to look up, moving forward. because this is me, and i am whole. not a misfit puzzle, a broken piece, or feeling like i have something wrong with me. mkay, maybe it have some truth in it, but...

aah... i shouldn't think too much about this. it's all hypothetical for now... being me isn't the number one priority for now. maybe i'll have to think more clearly later on, before deciding anything solid. i'll just live and cherish the time and all the moments i have with my family for now. because once i said the truth about myself, i don't think i'll be brave enough to look at them the same way. neither they will, i think. i'll need to prepare, in case i've become an outsider. all is difficult...

-----------------------------------

edit literally 30 minutes since then

ok maybe i should've been born as a different person because anxiety as a concept... okay, it's fine. alert you when something is wrong. cool, cool. BUT... IF IT HAPPENED FOR EVERY SOCIAL OCCASION, THAT IT MADE ME THINK OF THE MOST HORRENDOUS THING THAT COULD HAPPEN WHEN IT'S LITERALLY HAVE ZERO HARM AND RISK OTHER THAN SOME AWKSIES MOMENTS... IT'S SUCH A ByETCHH.... like FUCK OFF ANXIETY... also i'm not self diagnosing i'm just venting what i feel so💀 in short i'm✨a normal functioning human being✨