#or be abandoned by your father only for him to secretly manipulate your life so that he can exploit your second born for his own gains

[bolly--quinn]

For an art request maybe beth as a teenager (with or without jerry?) :)

I literally haven't stopped thinking about them since the s5 finale ok

[nothing0fnothing]

If narcissistic abuse is abuse to support narcissistic delusion, what was your parents delusions when they abused you?

My Mother

My mums main delusions regarding how she'd justify abusing me were very "thoughtcrime" coded. She beleived that she knew what I was thinking and she wanted me to belive that she knew what I was thinking. She wanted me to feel like I didn't have any privacy even in my own thoughts. She started vocalising these delusions around the time the abuse turned physical on her part, when I was around 5 years old.

She was constantly telling me that she "knew" that I was thinking bad things about her, that she "knew" I believed her to be abusive and that she "knew" I pretended to love her on the surface but that secretly I hated her. She shared her beliefs with not just me, but other adults in her circle who were like her, that I was secretly manipulative and had intentions to sabotage her life. Obviously she didn't know shit, this was just her internal justification for why she was treating me in a way she knew no child should be treated.

My mother never shared her delusions with safe, sane adults who would question her intentions either. Only other adults with histories of abusing their children were privy to this belief system of hers.

Jane's Father.

In my time studying Psychology at college I spoke to a study candidate, Jane Doe about her experience with her parents. She told me that on match days her father would sit wordlessly at the television and work himself up into a silent rage. He'd do this until, loaded like a spring trap, one of her siblings would cross him and he'd snap, catching the unsuspecting child into a flurry of random abuse.

All it would take was a careless foot to kick the leather recliner he'd claimed for the day or an ill timed giggle to set him off and once he was off, that was it. Shouting, swearing hitting, kicking furniture. Mr Doe was like an unexploded bomb in Jane's memory of him and it was not hard to see why.

"So that was it?" I asked her when she'd finished her story. "He'd just go off at random and nobody knew why?"

"Oh we all knew why." Jane told me. "He thought we did it on purpose. That we all had no respect for him, so we would laugh and play specifically on Match Sunday just to piss him off."

It was equally relatable and ridiculous to me. A grown man perched for hours of a Sunday watching sports on the TV, quietly seething at the delusion that his kids had it out for him. Absurd.

Absurdity further confirmed when Jane told me about the big match day parties he'd host whenever the finals were on.

Jane's father would sit in his favourite leather sofa, surrounded by the other men of the family, being waited on by their wives while Jane and the other children were left unsupervised to eat sugar and fizzy pop till they were practically bouncing off the walls.

On these days the kids, hopped up on sugar and artificial food additives would scream and laugh and cry, running through the living room with abandon, too hyper to consider dad's emotions. They'd come tearing through the living room loudly, begging for sips of beer and cranking up loud toys. They'd rush in like a hurricane and out just as fast, leaving a mess of crumbs, wrappers and nerf bullets in their wake.

Logic would dictate that these were the worst days to be around Mr Doe right? That if a foot clipping his couch or a laugh from the next room was enough to have him explode on a regular Sunday, surely he was likely to go nuclear with these feckless kids causing a ruckus on the day of the final?

No. Actually, Jane told me Mr Doe didn't seethe or rage at all on these days. He wouldn't shout or hit or swear or even snap once. He wouldn't sit still in scary silence, as if waiting for an excuse to go off. He'd actually light up, become Mr Personality apparently. He'd bounce the little ones on his knees and return nerf fire when given a chance to join the game. It was like night and day. Why? Because Jane's father never actually beleived that the children were intentionally trying to ruin his match day.

It was a delusion he knew only existed to justify his abuse. He knew it then and he knows it now. When he was surrounded by people who didn't have these types of abuse justifying delusions, he couldn't engage in his own. He knew it isn't how other people treat their kids and see the world. He knew that expressing the delusion to people who didn't have their own would expose his own abuse, and he knew that his kids didn't only exist to ruin every Sunday for him. He was just abusive. There's no other explanation.

My Stepfather.

My stepfathers narcissistic delusion was firmly seated in ownership of his family. He felt he "owned" me by being married to my mother and the way he expressed that ownership was in violent physical abuse.

Generally he phrased the abuse as if it was a "punishment" but it really wasn't. He abused me to correct behaviour he encouraged a week before. He chose abuse to "punish" me for things that he knew weren't in my control. He chose abuse that was exceedingly violent and would refuse to seek medical attention when I needed it as a result of his choices.

There were times he wanted to use his perceived ownership of me to humiliate and control me. So he'd use physical threats to control when I got to shower or if I could get dressed before guests came. He'd do things like tear up homework or deny acsess to school uniform to impress upon me that his random whims came above the rules of the school I attended.

Like my mum only telling trusted confidants about her delusions, my step father would never tell the people I was supposed to be degraded and humiliated in front of why I was only I'm ratty house clothes and unshowered. When school called home and asked about the lack of uniform and homework he'd never say "actually my rule comes before yours and my kid needs to know it." Because he knew it was a delusion and an internal justification for abuse, not a line of logic consistent with reality.

Remember, narcissistic abusers aren't mentally ill in any way that's relevant to their abuse right? They're aware that the delusion exists only in their head to justify the way they treat their victims. They're not experiencing delusions that shape the way they see the world around them. They know the rest of the world isn't consistent with what they tell themselves they beleive. My parents are no exception.

My parents were full mask off at home. We kids got the privilege of seeings exactly what they thought and how it affected their behaviour. We got front row seats to them convincing themselves the absolutely batshit bananas things they insisted they believed and these weren't the only ones they had over the years. It always follows the same pattern though, its delusion to justify abuse, abuse to justify delusion. Just a chicken and the egg/ snake sucking it's own dick cycle of abuse and delusion.

And now you know it too!

Thanks for coming to my Ted talk.

[geekgemsspooksandtoons]

You know, when I was in the shower and got out. I’ve been thinking of maybe just revealing the rough idea of what the changes to The Mask Rebirth Part 2′s story is. And why I was talking about it in certain ways, specifically about Davida to @kaijuguy19 and I want your reaction man. XD

I had help from a friend who has helped me with other stuff. Such as the Bioshock and FNAF reimagining's. And I thank them for putting out some ideas to help change part 2′s story. They help trying to I guess make sense of these ideas.

Be warned...it’s kind of dark. And it clarifies of what I said of Davida/Vicky being more of Owen’s real arch enemy. Or the one that made things REALLY personal. 

Despite part 1 having Dorian being the one that killed Owen’s father when he was really young. But that was done with, considering Dorian dies by the end. What Vicky does is...WAY MORE PERSONAL in a sense.

So that I recall, it still goes with the idea of Davida/Vicky coming to Edge City for a month. With the details that Tina and Stanley did go to high school with Vicky. 

The ideas are still there of Owen revealing he had a crush on Davida as a kid too and watched her shows. And he still has those weird feelings. Leonor feels suspicious about Davida. Then we have Kellaway and Tina having bigger roles in a sense. And Stanley is there.

But in this story, things go differently than what I wrote at first.

Ever since the recorded events of part 1. With people getting footage of Big Head, and Big Bad Wolf Dorian as well. Which catches the eye of Vicky in another country. But it’s Hel who is trapped in her own mask as well, recognizes the wolf in a way and says that’s my brother. Or that it looks like her brother. Which really grabs they’re attention, especially Vicky. Who has had the Mask Of Hel for five years to use for her magic shows, and sometimes crime. To finally see there are other people having similar masks surprises her.

She’s initially fascinated and obsessed with Big Head. Until she figures out his real identity is a, “Loser nerd” and laughs her ass off when secretly following him one time. Including having run ins with Big Head himself. And noticing he acts weird towards her.

After this, she decides to encourage Owen to abandon his normal life and embrace being Big Head full term. And how does she do that? She literally decides to kidnap Leonor on the night of her dinner date with Owen. Owen has been getting ready for this dinner date, and even Tina helping him. He waits for so long but she never arrives until she does show up.

But it’s to insult him and say she never wants to see or hear from him ever again. Yet it’s not Leonor, it’s Davida/Vicky shapeshifting as her telling Owen all of this. She’s manipulative enough to pick up on some of Leonor’s fears and insecurities. And she uses that when pretending to be her to not only make Owen feel guilt about involving her. But also make Leonor feel guilty and unworthy herself of ever trying to be with someone as dangerous yet pathetic as Owen.

Davida does this to demoralize Owen. Including their previous encounters of Big Head not wanting to reveal who he is to Davida. But saying he’s with someone in his life. With Davida telling him about you can only look out for yourself or something. With Big Head trying to tell her she’s wrong.

Because of this, and I think I’ll just write away. Owen is in a depressed ass mood. He decides to start going on, “Crime dates” with Davida. But telling her he doesn’t wanna hurt anyone. Helping her steal shit, yet he’s still pretty sad.

Tina wants to talk to him. But he keeps going to Davida. And Tina gets pissed at one point seeing Big Head for some reason is helping this enchantress lady. But she doesn’t wanna get really angry. Because she just wants him to talk to her. 

And during all of this. Leonor is in Vicky’s personal RV. With Vicky keeping her clean, healthy as much as she can for possibly a week or nearing two. She uses Leonor for these magic shows. Where Leonor experiences near death situations. But she’s fine, but it’s Vicky scaring her enough if she ever does let her go, she wants to make sure Leonor knows she will hurt her if she ever tells the truth.

Later on, Peggy goes to Owen because she’s worried of where Leonor is. She’s Leonor’s mom in this. She was confused of why Leonor would ever hate him because she talks so highly about him. And her putting up a post saying she’s gonna be gone on vacation. She begs Owen to help find her. And it makes Owen realize who really broke up with him.

In the end, maybe going with the idea of Owen finding out Davida has been using Leonor in her shows as an unwilful assistant in her shows. My friend talked about the idea of Big Head replace Leonor with Davida into a trap and she stays there till the audience leaves and whatever else. But been thinking she escapes.

In a nutshell, it ends with Owen asking Stanley to take on Davida. Who tells him this his chance to really showcase as a superhero if he helps take down Davida. With the two fighting against a woman who is literally a, “Mask Veteran” compared to them. Who equals in power to Big Head. 

But it ends with Owen defeating Davida by ripping off her mask(Which I have decided only mask users can forcibly take off others masks), and as Big Head. He nearly beats Vicky to death until Leonor begs him to stop. Which makes Owen think again that he doesn’t want Vicky to die a martyr for her fans. So he and Leonor expose her she is, and kind of like the original ending.

But Davida pretty much strained Owen and Leonor’s relationship a little. They both feel guilty but they will reconcile and their bonds would feel strengthen. With the ending being Leonor and Owen finally having the dinner date they prepared.

Along with the bonus ending of Stanley as Serpent Man and Owen Big Head having a pizza or burgers on a rooftop. While Vicky is in jail like the original ending.

I got a note from my friend who’s been helping me with this. I wanna respond to them lol...I just wanted to finish this up. Yeah, those are the changes with some of the stuff. There’s other details. But I don’t wanna continue on and make it that long lol. XD

[liquidstar]

something the latest chapter of kaguya-sama made me realize is just how much better all of the characters are doing in their lives now because of their friendships with each other, and i just think thats so sweet.

kaguya herself used to be absolutely miserable and never smile, but then chika made her be her friend and miyuki made her join the student council and over time she became so much more open and happy, you really see just how important all her friends are to her when she’s afraid that she might lose all the pictures of them she’s taken, they absolutely melted this former ice queen’s heart. through the series she gets more and more warm and acts more like a typical happy girl. the ending song for the second season also makes it really obvious that she sees her friends as her happy place, an escape from her terrible home life, she really does love them so much. in the latest chapter she makes it so clear that her friendship with chika is just as important to her as her relationship with miyuki, and that the only reason she didn’t tell her was that she was afraid chika would be mad that she has a new special person in her life, but because chika loves her friend so much she’s nothing but happy to see her finally have more special people in her life too.

and miyuki of course has gotten a lot better when it comes to accepting his flaws and not seeing himself as a failure, he only ever initially drops this facade around chika who becomes sort of like, a mom friend to him, and since a lot of his issues stem from his mom abandoning him its really important for him to see that not everyone will. and later on its much more directly addressed between him and kaguya he becomes much more able to be happy with who he is and not push himself so much or be afraid that people will leave him for not being perfect. not to mention his friendship with ishigami who he actually confides a lot of his issues in, despite the fact that he gets his relationship advice from manga, but the scene of them laying down under the tree and just talking, while very funny, is still a really sweet moment. his relationship with kei is also very big, because thats his sister, but he also sort of fills the role their mother usually would have for her. and though she’s annoyed by it, its really important for her because its implied that when she was with her mom she wasnt exactly treated well, she ran away to be with her father and brother for a reason, and kaguya was the one that actually gave her the strength to do so so it all comes back full circle. 

but chika has her own issues too, she seems like a very simple character, a typical genki girl. but she was a musical prodigy as a child, winning award after award. and yet she was so unhappy with that very ridged life, she had no freedom and all she did was practice. you can see it in her eyes in the flashbacks, despite the praise and trophies her eyes were were so dead and she was so different from the happy carefree chika we know. but then kaguya sort of became the straw that broke the camel’s back that forced her to quit, and it wasnt really out of kindness at first, but their friendship ultimately is what made her become the chika we know, the one who loves to laugh and play, its like she’s making up for lost time and finally getting to be a kid with all her friends. she is very much the gifted child who lost her childhood because of it, but she’s so much happier now. not to mention her friendship with the table-top board game club! its not given as much focus but you can really see her thrive in something she’s truly passionate in now, she loves making games and playing them with her friends!

ishigami’s whole thing can be pretty heavy, its played off as a joke at first but he legitimately is explicitly suicidal, but hes able to get better with the power of friendship. miyuki was very literally portrayed as a light coming into his life when he first enters his room to save him from his isolation. even before that though, miko also helped him, even if he didnt realize it, she was the one that advocated for him not to be held back a year which prompted the student council to look into his case and help him too. he has to get over a lot of his anxieties, at first he’s even afraid of kaguya, but he warms up to her over time too and they develop a pretty sweet relationship with her as his sort of tutor. and very critically, he joins the cheer squad. he actually put himself out there and made “normie” friends and it turns out it wasnt so scary after all. and his crush on tsubame is so important, because she rejects him, but they stay friends. he never once feels like she owes him anything or “friendzoned” him, even if it hurt to be rejected he wanted to be friends. she was really afraid of losing her friend that she loves so much, those feelings of platonic love arent in any way seen as lesser. and she helps him in the end by making sure the school knows that hes actually a nice guy and that means the world to him. theyre still friends and that relationship is important to both of them.

similarly though, ishigami also helped miko before they were even friends without her realizing it. he saw how much she was struggling with the constant bullying and decided to leave her a note to tell her that it gets better, and it was an incredibly important thing that stuck with her for a long time. their entire relationship is defined as “two people who secretly help each other” because theyre both hold such high personal morals that they dont expect good deeds to have to be pointed out or repaid. and then when she ran in the election, miyuki helped her get over her stage fright so people wouldn’t make fun of her anymore, and because he’s such a nice guy he even offered her a seat in the student council where she’d make a bunch of new friends, and despite going through sort of a rough patch she’s still ultimately far more confident than she’s ever been and she’s absolutely ready to become the president next year now, finally achieving her goal. and her relationship with miyuki becomes very sweet as they develop their relationship in the “senpai-kun and kohai-chan” chapters where they just bond as friends, often through her weird emo poetry but he supports her despite being terrified of it. 

hayasaka is one of the most loaded characters in the series despite not being in the student council. the arc that focuses around her is even titled “ai hayasaka’s friends” because they’re what help her out of her situation. since she was a child she was used as a pawn by the shinomiya family, not unlike kaguya herself, and she considers kaguya to be like her precious little sister. but she’s also been manipulated into betraying kaguya by becoming a spy for her abusive family. and the amount of guilt she feels over it is so painful to watch, but she’s too afraid to do anything about it. when kaguya finally finds out, she’s not instantly forgiven, but for the first time in kaguya’s life she wants to forgive someone who betrayed her, and they talk it out, and they can finally become proper friends just like they always both dreamed of. her friendship with miyuki is interesting too, because they have a clash of ideals about not letting your “true self” be seen by people, because they wont love you anymore, and despite miyuki arguing against it, it very much is an idelogy he shared at the time. but when she finally does show her true self she’s loved, and in the valentines chapter she confesses to him, not out of love, but out of friendship. she asks him to be her friend, and her circle of friends just grows from there with all her facaudes dropped.

all of their arcs just play into the greater overall theme of the series, which just comes down to honesty and vulnerability with the people youre close to, the series may be a romance but it places such important emphasis on all its characters relationships and how they can make each other better, its so nice. theyre just friends and they care each other. 

[clevercorvidae]

BNHA Common Misconceptions

I’ve been seeing wayyy too much bs on my dash lately. So I thought I’d share some of my thoughts on some Controversy™

***Spoilers For The Manga***

1. “What the HPSC did to Hawks wasn’t bad”

A government organization putting a young child through rigorous training so that he can be used as a tool is bad. I don’t know why I have to spell that out

Hawks had to abandon his real name at a very young age. That’s damaging for a kid’s sense of identity. His identity as a person no longer has any separation from his work as a hero. Being a hero is all he is now. I wouldn’t be surprised if (provided Hawks’s wings are gone for good) he has an identity crisis after this arc because he can’t be “Hawks” anymore.

Hawks is based on Lionel Messi, a soccer player recruited at a young age in return for paying for his medical procedures. I’ve seen people say that Hawks chose to be a hero. One, he was a child, young children shouldn’t be making decisions like that. Two, we know based on context clues that Keigo was more than likely living in poverty, possibly with alcoholic parents, and we literally are told that the HPSC payed for his family’s living expenses. Do you really think Keigo had much of a choice here?

I’ve seen people say “it’s just like what UA is doing”. First of all, UA is called out for being irresponsible and endangering their students IN UNIVERSE. Second, Keigo was a young child, the UA kids are 15+. There’s a huge difference.

2. “Mitsuki isn’t abusive”

Honestly when it comes to her smacking Katsuki, I could excuse it as a joke done in poor taste and not hold it over her as a character.

Hitting him WASNT just discipline tho. You should never, ever, under any circumstances hit your kid. Fuck that noise.

What I really have an issue with is what she SAYS to Katsuki. Her guilt tripping him isn’t a throwaway line either. He repeats the sentiment that he is responsible for Kamino during Deku v Kacchan 2. It’s one of the main reasons he fights Deku.

Horikoshi says that Katsuki has a good relationship with his mother. In that case, he did a horrible job at presenting that. What is written in the canon is what should be used as the basis for how we interpret her character.

3. “Shigaraki chose to kill his family/was born evil”

No...just...no. He was FIVE for crying out loud.

He wanted to be a hero, and took extra care to play with kids that had no friends. He definitely wasn’t born evil lmao.

His quirk manifested while he was having an emotional crisis. Decay is controlled by emotion so of course it went haywire.

He didn’t even know it was him doing it at first.

“But Shigaraki said he WANTED it to happen” Shigaraki is an unreliable narrator. What we actually SEE tells a very different story. He reaches out to Hana and his Mother for help. His grandparents are just caught in the shockwave. The ONLY person he killed on purpose was his father.

Now when it comes to his father, he had just beat him and locked him outside. He’s FIVE, and he has no healthy outlet for his anger and frustration. Hell, we see that in his “itchiness”, he only feels like this in the house, because his father makes him suppress his love for heroes and his dream to become one. He takes joy in killing his father because it’s the only release he’s ever experienced.

The fact that you guys forget that this is an abused child with no real control over his quirk that just got beaten and locked outside... Nope, no reading comprehension here.

4. “The League of Villains are justified/are a revolutionary group”

...Shigaraki has stated over and over again that he just wants to destroy everything. He doesn’t care about reform or improving anything. That one panel in Ch. 222, where he says he wants to destroy everything I think sums it up perfectly.

He wants to destroy EVERYTHING good or bad or neither or both. There’s a newborn baby, a field of flowers , Nine, various heroes, the UA kids, etc all varying in innocence.

The rest of the league have very different goals and reasons why they continue to support Shigaraki. Twice wants to protect the only people that accepted him. Spinner just wants to have purpose for his life. Toga wants to live the way she wishes with no consequences. Compress is also here.

The only “revolutionary” is Dabi. But his views are not universal throughout the league.

Even if they were trying to improve things. They have killed countless innocent people, they’ve tried to kill the UA kids too. That’s not ok. And it’s not erased by the fact that they’ve done good. (I do appreciate them for killing the MHA version of the KKK, truly epic of you)

5. “Hawks is abusive”

It’s not abuse to manipulate someone for info when you’re a double agent. It’s kinda shitty, and you could argue that it was unnecessary for Hawks to do so in context. But it’s not abuse.

Y’all need to stop using the word abuse/abusive tendencies to describe all immoral actions

I’ve also seen people say that Hawks has abusive tendencies (as in he’s abusive in all his relationships with other characters) and...do I really need to explain why that makes no sense at all?

6. “Twice deserved to die/it was necessary to kill him”

Feel like I need to remind people that we’ve only ever actually seen Twice kill one guy and that was one of the KKK guys.

Twice isn’t evil, even Hawks admits that he is a genuinely good person. Good people don’t deserve to die.

It wasn’t necessary, and here’s why: Hawks could’ve just knocked him out or even just severely injured him. (Or the HPSC could’ve just grown a brain cell and sent more people to back him up, making it easier to hold back his quirk and arrest him)

Hawks shouldn’t have killed Twice, he only killed him because he’s been raised as a child soldier and I wouldn’t be surprised if what he told Twice about taking out villains was a direct quote from the HPSC

Also, Hawks would’ve killed Twice with or without Dabi’s intervention

Something I do have to say though is that Hawks was right not to just let Twice go. It’s tragic because Twice WAS leaving to help his friends, but the other side of that tragedy it that his friends are terrorists. If he was allowed to leave a shit ton of people would have died (again that doesn’t mean he deserved to die either, don’t get it twisted)

The WHOLE POINT of Hawks v Twice is to make you question who the bad guy is. Both characters are morally gray and the only reason they even have to fight is because of the outside forces controlling their fates. It’s supposed to be tragic it’s supposed to be unclear who is in the right, so stop arguing about it.

7. “Bakugou is abusive/irredeemable” (I know it’s been talked to death but I still see it everywhere)

People are, in fact, allowed to grow past the person they were in middle school.

Most people get hung up on the “throw yourself off a building” line. Which is fair, but again, he was in middle school.

People also say “he hasn’t apologized yet”. Yeah? And? The story isn’t over yet. Horikoshi has already acknowledged that too. I don’t know what you want? People who like him know that his arc isn’t over yet.

I’ve seen a lot of people denying his character development. In the beginning of the series he was a bully and let his ego control him. I don’t think he’s bullied...anyone since Deku v Kacchan 2. He insults people but they obviously don’t take it seriously.

He’s also gone from preferring to fail a final exam to avoid working with Deku, to following him into battle against Shigaraki.

Also, when he actually likes and respects someone he doesn’t mistreat them. This is the same thing with Hawks where y’all NEED to stop misusing the word abuse. He was an abusive friend to Deku when they were kids, that’s it.

8. “Rei was abusive too!”

I’m BEGGING YOU to learn what the term “abuse” means istg

She had a psychotic break. She genuinely thought it was her abusive husband coming through the door, and she acted out of fear.

“Well that’s not an excuse” yes it fucking is. Not to mention that as soon as she realized what happened, she sobs hysterically because she hurt Shouto and tries to use her quirk to help him.

I genuinely don’t understand why people think this

9. “Dabi actually does care about the league”

Listen, I know it sounds harsh, but y’all need to get your heads out of your piles of headcanons.

We know next to nothing about how Dabi feels about just about anything. But we do see that he’s aloof and distant with the league, he doesn’t put in more than he needs to. The rest of the league think of each other as family. Dabi straight up says he doesn’t give a shit about them.

“What if he was just putting up a front for Hawks” Why? Why would he do that? When asked who he was he answered him. He tells him how he feels about hero society and Stain. Not to mention that he was getting ready to kill him. If he was hiding his true feelings about the league I doubt he would’ve so easily said that he didn’t care about them but rather how useful they were.

At this point it’s just wishful thinking. Based on everything we’ve seen in the series so far and everything we know about Dabi, I think it’s safe to say that he doesn’t care about them all that much. If he secretly does care about them, I’d say it’s likely that he doesn’t even know he does.

Idk why all of a sudden villain stans and hero stans are feuding over things that shouldn’t even be up for debate in the first place. Sorry if this came off as super aggressive, I’m just sick of seeing this stuff all over the place. If anyone has anything to add go ahead

[agent-cupcake]

Hey AC! I love your blog and was wondering if I could get your opinion on something. I've seen some people complaining that Ingrid and Hilda are treated by the fandom, with Ingrid stans saying that Hilda is also racist towards Almyrans (which, granted, she is) but doesn't get nearly as much hate about it as Ingrid does. But personally I feel like their attitudes and the way they react towards Dedue/Cyril are wildly different and Hilda generally seems less hateful/irrational about it. Thoughts?

This is... kind of a touchy topic... I like it though! It’s worth discussing, especially since I feel like it’s broke criticism to simply deflect blame onto a character in order to prop up another.  Full and obvious disclosure: I very much dislike Ingrid and very much love Hilda. That said, I don’t think it’s fair to compare them for the sake of which is worse. I fall into the trap of character criticism through comparison far too often and it's not really valid unless you can fully explore each character in their own right beforehand. Which is why, while writing this, I came to the conclusion that the ways these two characters are interpreted and the reason people view their racist tendencies differently has far more to do with the characters themselves than their actual beliefs.

From first impressions to subsequent playthroughs, this is pretty much how I feel about Ingrid: she brings up her hatred of the Duscur people and Dedue unprompted and uncontested several times at the very beginning of the game, putting it front and center to her character. This is important, it sets a foundational component for how I could come to view her. According to her introduction, she is honorable and respectful, a model lady knight trope. But, as mentioned, she's really racist. Literally standing around thinking about how awful it is that Dimitri would trust a man of Duscur because they are all bad people. Yikes. And nobody calls her on it. Again, this is very important for perception. People judge Sylvain for his bad behavior in a much more harsh way than they do Ingrid for her vitriolic loathing for another classmate who we have seen as nothing but respectful. It's weird. And then, despite the fact that her close friend Sylvain was able to reason out that it’s not possible for the Duscur people to be at fault for the Tragedy, despite the fact that the prince of the country she supposedly hopes to serve with unwavering respect and loyalty has made it clear that he does not believe that Dedue or Duscar are responsible for the Tragedy, and despite the fact that Dimitri, her close friend and the one most affected by the Tragedy (seriously, she lost a guy she might have married and he lost his best friend, mother, and watched his father be killed in front of his eyes) continuously insists that neither Dedue nor Duscur are at fault, she loudly and openly believes that the ensuing massacre of Duscur was deserved and Dedue is inherently culpable simply because of his race. Her motivations for this hatred feel even more cheap considering her dogged hero worship for Glenn was born out of the fact that she was promised to him, making the fact that she’d use his death as reason enough for the destruction of countless innocent lives even more unsympathetic in my eyes. I mean, seriously, she was around 13 and he was older than her, how close could they have truly been? Dimitri says they were in love, but she was a child. Abandoning my modern sensibilities about age of consent or whatever, kids at that age don't have the emotional or mental capability. Maybe this is just nitpicking, but I have a very hard time caring about that relationship. But, if her actual justification is because of what happened to Faerghus as a result of the Tragedy and feels duty-bound as a knight to find justice through the systematic destruction of the Duscur people, then it just circles back to confusion considering the future leader of said country doesn't hold Duscur or Dedue responsible. The importance of perception comes in because despite these paper thin excuses and her seemingly willfully ignorant hatred, she is never challenged on her racist beliefs. The reason she seems to change her mind about Dedue and consider that maybe excusing a genocide is wrong stems from guilt that Dedue continuously comes to her aid in battle at the potential cost of his own life. I can understand, to a certain extent, why she might feel the way she does. But, again, I have such a hard time with any justification when nobody that she's close to is even nearly as hateful as her, there is plenty of evidence (evidence that the people close to her have found!) to provide a very reasonable counterclaim to Duscur's guilt, and that none of that even matters when it would require her to openly contradict the prince of her country to make the claim that Dedue was in any way complicit in the Tragedy. Which would be fine if she wasn't established as the model Lady Knight archetype, which also brings us into Ingrid's moral high horse. Admittedly, I hate the Lady Knight trope. I have a significant bias against these types of characters. However, I really do think that this moral crusade is where she lost me completely. Without even a shred of empathy or self awareness, she lectures Sylvain about his shitty behavior even though their circumstances are at least somewhat similar and he has his reasons (bad ones, maybe, but ones worth understanding if she actually cares about him), she lectures Felix about not being interested in knightly endeavors (an aspect of his character that is born of the trauma she has appropriated), and she lectures Claude about behavior that is befitting of a man in his position. Not because she cares about the girls Sylvain is hurting, not because she thinks there are any grave stakes from Felix choosing to do his own thing, and not because she knows that Claude's behavior affects his ability to lead, but because she doesn't like these behaviors and thinks they should be fixed. Yet, at the same time, she believes Dedue deserved to lose his family, country, and culture based on his birth and nobody ever does anything to morally correct her, it is something she eventually is forced to acknowledge on her own. It's frustrating, infuriating even, that the game lets her get away with being so grossly hypocritical. And, all the while, she is being painted as sympathetic. Again, I have a hard time feeling sympathy for her about Glenn, and I certainty don't feel sympathetic towards her issues about marriage because there's never any actual tension there. Of course she won't be forced to marry, she's a Lady Knight. Beyond being unsympathetic, I also find her massively unlikable. Awful design, poor voice direction, food-loving-as-a-personality-trait, the fact that she's written as one of those stock "feminist" characters who hate makeup and girly things until it benefits them, and constantly butting in on other characters to give her opinion without taking any criticism herself are all aspects that I just personally dislike. Ultimately, Ingrid being racist is only a symptom of the many reasons her character is one of my least favorites. Most of these points can be countered by someone who doesn't take issue with the things that annoy me and to point out that Ingrid DOES get over her racist beliefs. It's not fair to say that she doesn't change but, for me, the damage was already done by the time she became tolerable so I still have a hard time appreciating her. My assumption would be that there are a lot of other people who feel similarly to me regarding their dislike of Ingrid so they focus on one easy character flaw, her being racist at the beginning of the game, as a reason to validate their dislike of her overall.

On the other hand, Hilda's racism isn't a main trait of her character. It's related to her overarching character flaws, but she doesn't bring it up unprompted and can actually be pretty much missed without the Cyrill supports. Like you said, Hilda does seem less hateful and irrational, it doesn't take willful malice and an active rejection of reason for Hilda to dislike the Almyrans, they pose a genuine and provable threat to her family and territory, seemingly senselessly testing the borders and throwing away lives for the sake of conquest. To be clear, her "you're not like those OTHER Almyrans" schtick is legitimately nasty. Her behavior is gross and condescending and it really underscores the fact that Hilda is ignorant, lazy, inconsiderate, and incredibly comfortable in her privilege. She accepts what she's been told at face value because she's too lazy to look into it further. Cyrill does tell her she's stupid to think that way, though. Which is satisfying because Hilda in those supports is insufferable, it really highlights the worst aspects of her character, dismissive, manipulative, and very selfish. However, for me, she's also very likeable. I'm not interested in going over my opinions on her like I did with Ingrid as I don’t feel it’s as important to my point but a few reasons I really like her is because I think Hilda has a fantastic design, cute supports, amazing voice work, and is secretly sweet in a way that absolutely tickles my fancy. I am sure many people do not agree with me, which is fine. Additionally, just as Ingrid grows out of her racist beliefs, so does Hilda. They both end the game as more tolerant and caring people. Still, for the same reason a person could argue that Ingrid is actually great and I'm being unfair, they could argue that Hilda is terrible and I'm too biased. That's fair and true..... but I think the fact that Hilda is more generally appealing in conjunction with the less obvious nature of her racist attitude makes people less likely to dismiss her as a racist in the same way they do Ingrid. Unless they dislike Hilda, in which case, it’s all fair game.

Anyyyways, a main takeaway from this is that I highly doubt people are truly arguing on the individual basis of who's more racist, but that they're engaging in the age old waifu war. As with many characters in this game, it's easier to argue moral superiority when you can't quite articulate what you like or don't like about a character. Or, even worse, when you're arguing opinion. Even now, as is clear by reading this, I am arguing my opinion of why I don't like Ingrid. Not because she's racist, but because of the character traits and writing choices that make her unlikable to me. I like Hilda because, flaws and all, I find her to be compelling and enjoyable. From the people that I know, at least, that is basically how the Ingrid stans v Hilda racism argument is structured, even if they dress it up in different language.

By the by Hilda never talks about how the Almyrans deserve to be wiped out. I think that probably sours a lot of people's opinions of Ingrid no matter what happened afterward but that’s fine we can just pretend that didn’t happen

[pizzaboat]

After a particular bad storm, Luz and king decide to have a movie night..

It should be fun, but Luz just hopes the two adults joining them don't kill each other in the next 2 hours...

"No way, I'd rather clean Hooty than watch some goofy kids movie"

"But Edaaa!" The teen whined, "There's nothing else to watch, and the storm nocked out all the power!"

Sure the power was out. Courtesy of the terrible weather. The magical grid through out the building had been temporarily shut off for hooty's safety, and so most things in the house had stopped working. But that wasn't a good enough reason for Eda to sacrifice napping time.

Eda watched as the human brought the box containing some human *VHS tape* titled "The Lion king" up to display. 

"Come on Its a classic," Luz pleaded, " and you agreed, after some persuasion-"

- Manipulation." 

"-that you'd do something with me and King," Luz pointed, "And you said I could pick. I pick movie night."

"Hey, I say alot of things. Doesn't make 'em true." Eda said with a shrug, "And don't even try to give me any puppy dog eyes kid, I'm immune now."

Luz pouted, and Eda watched as an idea formed on the girls face. Never a good sign..

"Well," Luz said, "You think your tough, but it'd be a shame if anyone in town found out you secretly like hugs!"

"You wouldn't dare," Eda gasped, "They'd never believe you!"

"Oh really? Try me." Luz challenged.

Damn it. Blackmail. She really was her kid. Eda knew teaching her would come back to bite her in the ass.

"Fine," She sighed, "But if anyone starts singing, I'm out."

"That might be a problem.. since it's a musical,"

Titan damn it.

***

And that's how thirty minutes later everyone was gathered in the living room as Luz stuffed human candies into some contraption and King dragged an assortment of snacks to the sofa, throwing them on the coffee table.

Even Lilith had been dragged out of her cave for the night.

"I didn't know you were interested in this stuff," King said to her sister as she settled in the furthest side of the couch, away from everyone else.

"Of course I'm not," She told him, "This is the only room in the house with sufficient enough lighting to read my book."

"If you say so," He muttered.

Eda plopped down onto the couch, opposite to her;

"Yeah, Lily's a nerd," She yawned, pulling a blanket over her self and settling in, "She doesn't do fun. So don't expect her to thrive in social situations."

"I'm not a nerd!" The other woman glared, " I'm trying to research a cure. For our curses."

"Save it," Eda snorted, "I'm fine the way I am, no thanks to you."

"I split the curse, what more do you want?"

"for you to take some damn accountability." 

"How can I do that if you don't let me!?"

"I don't care, figure it out!"

"OK!" Luz cut in with fake enthusiasm, "The movies starting! Who's excited!?"

Eda snapped her gaze to the teen. The two adults had missed the worried looks both Luz and King had been giving them as things had escalated.

Eda felt a wave of guilt, as Luz wormed her way into her side, deviding the two sisters in the hopes of preventing some all out fist fight, she guessed. Eda wrapped an arm around the girl hugging her back as the movie started and music played.

"Hey king, pass some snacks up," Luz whispered.

 

"Get your own, peasant," He whispered back.

***

Lilith had tried her best to focuse on words of the book infront of her in the flickering candle light, but her gaze always wandered back to the small box set on the coffee table infront of them.

The demon had been scolded multiple times by the other two, as he always managed to sit himself directly infront of the screen every five minutes, completely engrossed in its contents.

Lilith didn't do musicals. She hated them. Always had.

Edalyns loud complaints and groans of annoyance when the characters had broke into song, were more obnoxious than the movie its self.

That was new.. wasn't Edalyn big into musicals back when they both were in school?

The human had sung along to every word, boasting that she knew the lyrics to all the "Disney songs," What ever the hell a Disney was, Lilith didn't know. And she didn't want to find out.

Lilith had also noticed the wary glances the human sent her every now and then, as if she thought Lilith would pounce on them all. Lilith couldn't blame them for that one, so she did her best to keep her gaze anywhere else but the rest of the room, and focused back in on her book.

***

King could sympathise with the young creatures desire to become king and rule over all those bellow him. The young lion was the most relatable main character he'd ever seen. Much better than those characters from Luz's books. 

Someone hungry for status much like himself. Though King was already a king. Feared by all.

He clapped when Simba scratched the hyenas face. These animals names were weird he decided though. Lions. Hyenas. Elephants. The movie had even featured those freaks, the giraffes.

He understood the feeling of helplessness when both Simba and his companions had been trapped In the elephants grave yard, only to be saved by Simba's father Mufasa.

He gasped when he discovered Scar's plan to usurp his brother. Maybe Luz had chosen a good movie after all...

***

The human whiped tears from her eyes, then continued to blubber. King wailed clutching his stuffed animal. Even Edalyn seemed somewhat moved, though she didn't show it much.

The father had died apparently. Betrayed by his brother. Lured into a trap by his trusted sibling. His son used against him as bait.

OK maybe that one hit close to home. Hadn't she lured her sister to a witches duel using their apprentice against them? Seeing the broken form of the betrayed, forced images of what could have happened into Lilith's mind, and she suppressed a shudder.

Edalyn petrified. Luz skewered.

It hit her just how close she had come to getting both her sister and her sister's apprentice killed.

Damn it. She'd lost her page.

***

These guys had the right idea, "Hakuna matata", no worries. If society decides your not worth it, why not atleast relax and try to have a good time with your friends. Screw it. Y'know?

Maybe that's what she would've thought even a month ago. But she wasn't so sure that was such a great message to send kids. Abandon responsibly. She knew predictably that the movie would correct this. She was proved right of course.

***

Luz's excitement bubbled towards the end. She'd seen the movie a thousand times when she was younger. But big confrontations were always exhilarating to watch.

Though less fun when your the one confronting things in real life, that's where the beauty of fiction comes in; She was in the mood to enjoy some nice old fashioned living through fictional characters. No danger. Just movies and her family. And Lilith. She wasn't sure why Lilith was In the owl house. Not because of the storm. Just in general.

Luz would have figured Lilith would have found somewhere to stay by now. But it might be difficult for her, what with the Emperors Coven declaring her a wanted criminal, while the rest of them had been pardoned. A selfish part of Luz wished she'd just leave anyway. Her skin always crawled when the woman was around. 

Luz felt bad about this. But it didn't stop her from occasionally thinking it.

She caught a glimpse of the woman In question, when Scar had been left to be killed by the hyenas. Lilith look paler than what seemed possible with her already ivory complexion. Her gaze fixed on the old mini TV. Was she rooting for Scar or something?

Luz wouldn't be surprised.

***

The villian had recieved what he deserved. To be vanquished by his enimies. 

Lilith felt sick thinking of the similarities between her and the character.

Jealousy. Ambition. Cunning. The will to do what ever it takes. 

She knew they were different. But she couldn't help but wonder what could've happend if she were more like this "Scar" character. 

Titan. She thought this was just a kid's movie.

***

The movie finished. Eda had fallen asleep towards the end only to be gently shaken awake by Luz after. The movie hadn't been bad. She'd even enjoyed it, Eda wouldn't admit that to anyone though. Not in a million years.

Luz said goodnight with a tight, crushing hug, then carried King to bed. The little guy must have conked out at some point into the film. 

Movie night accomplished and no one had even died. A win if ever there was one.

They would clean up in the morning but for now sleep, she made her way to leave as well but was stopped by her sister.

"Edalyn, I think we should talk.."

[webswingers]

welcome to avengers campus, isn’t it nice to be back, NICO DI ANGELO ?  it’s been so long since i’ve seen you being a typical EIGHTY-NINE/LOOKS TWENTY ONE year old STUDENT, the image of ARCHIE RENAUX against the retroreflective panels of headquarter buildings.  feels like forever since i’ve seen you hanging around FANTASTIC FLORA.  i don’t blame you, though;  it fits your vibes perfectly given everyone associates you with SOMETHING MOVING IN THE DARKNESS, AN ABANDONED GRAVEYARD, BRUISED KNUCKLES.

death mention tw

... makes sense too: considering you’re known for being + COMPASSIONATE & + (ALMOST) FEARLESS, even when you can be quite - RANCOROUS & - CYNICAL, too.  hey, have you seen the news reports lately …?  i heard you’ve been getting visions from HEROES OF OLYMPUS beginning to return, waking up from dreams of THE UNDERWORLD.  must be something in the water …  say, did you always have A MYTHOMAGIC CARD OF ‘HADES’ on hand ?  i’ve never seen you leave home without it.  —  ( he/him & cismale )

BASICS:

birth name: nico di angelo

alias: ghost king, death boy N/A

species: demi-god; child of hades

date of birth: january 28th

sexuality: homosexual

gender and pronouns: cismale, he/him

occupation: ancient history student (specialises in ancient greece)

CANON:

as always you can find all the fancy information about him here (death tw)

a child of maria di angelo (human) and hades (god), technically born in 1932 but spent over half his life stuck in a time loop in the lotus casino.

nico’s canon abilities include: general demigod abilities, geokenisis, necromancy (specifically: power of the dead, ghost summoning, communication with the dead, life aura/death sense, and ghost transformation), osteokenisis, death trance, umbrakenisis (specifically: shadow travel, invisibility, shadow manipulation), thermokenisis, hypokenisis, phobikenisis.

personality wise: has ‘an aura of death around him’ that makes him seem off so he’s very much the loner type but is attracted to people who are opposite to him, his friends kinda represent the things he wishes he could be. very self destructive and cynical, but secretly kind and soft natured. he’s sensitive audrey

EARTH 200000:

he and his older were raised by their single mother just outside of campus, he has a very close relationship with them but resents his father for being absent his entire life.

speaks english, italian, ancient greek, and latin, studies ancient history at the academy. 

seems to still be a loner like his canon counterpart; still has an aura about him that can only be described as negative. 

dreams of the underworld and feels a connection to the gods he can’t fully understand or comprehend, assumes he just thinks they’re kinda cool. 

since he can remember he’s seen and felt things that aren’t supposed to be there; people that vanish, noises that belong to nothing, shadows moving where they shouldn’t. he also feels like the darkness ‘pulls’ him in when he’s not feeling good but he’s taught himself just to ignore them and rationalise it all. 

spends a lot of his time in the florist, something about flowers seem to calm him down.

keeps people at a distance and carries grudges he doesn’t recall ever having with people but can't seem to budge. 

[bhavyabetty]

Movie Review | Pagglait (2021)

Movie: Pagglait (2021)

Genre: Comedy | Drama

IMDb Rating: 7.1/10

The movie revolves around a recently widowed women, Sandhya (Sanya Malhotra), who has been married for only 5 months, to Aastik. The movie starts off with Sandhya, seemingly unaffected by her husband's death, craving for pepsi and chips, in a mourning household. She's a non-working, educated women with a MA in English, but the only earning member of her family was her deceased husband. While going through her husband's wardrobe and personal stuff, she happens to find a photograph of Aakansha Roy (Sayani Gupta), who was Aastik's ex-girlfriend. Sandhya meets Aakansha and strikes a friendship with her, during which she learns the likes and dislikes of Aastik. Until now, Sandhya had been under the the wrong impression that her husband is incapable of love just like herself, but she learns that her husband was a romantic man, who loved Aakansha, though he never cheated on Sandhya after their marriage.

This part of the movie confused me a bit. When Sandhya came to know about Aakansha, and a friendship developed between them, I was confused as to the direction the movie was proceeding to. I hoped them to bond over the mutual grief of losing Aastik, fall in love, and that the film would be portraying homosexuality, with a relationship between Sandhya and Aakansha. But eventually I realised, this part of the film intended to depict, how unaware Sandhya was, of her husband's life and it was necessary for her, to know his ex-girlfriend, in order to forgive her husband's soul.

An insurance company comes up to Sandhya, to pay her a sum of ₹50 lakh (Aastik secretly had an insurance policy and had Sandhya as his nominee), after which; her parents, who until then, were asking her to stay at her in-laws house, now forced her to walk off with the money. Her husband's cousin Aditya (Nakul Sahdev), who wants to open a restaurant and needs money for that, tries to manipulate Sandhya into thinking that he loves her and asks her to marry him. Her in-laws who has to repay the housing loan, tries to get Sandhya into marrying Aditya, and also tries to manipulate the insurance agent.

A very simple portrayal of how money changes everything in someone's life. Sandhya's parents who were urging her to stay at her in-laws house, were now pressuring her to come home and be independent, just because she got hold of a fortune. People who didn't even seem to notice her, now came up with marriage proposal and words of love; and they called it as “giving poor Sandhya a life". Though her father-in-law wasn't upto rob Sandhya of her money, the rest of his cunning family members dragged him to play dirty.

At the end of the movie, Sandhya realises that this sudden interest people had in her, is because of the money she got. She realises that Aditya doesn't love her, so she lies to him that she's pregnant with Aastik's child; and he backs off from marrying her. Sandhya writes a letter to her parents and her in-laws, that she's leaving the house to look for a job and to be as independent as Aastik, and to look after her in-laws just the way Aastik did. She also leaves the cheque of ₹50 lakh for her father-in-law to have.

The film had a satisfying end, with Sandhya realising her potential and walking away from those offering her sympathy. She proved that she doesn't have to remarry to give life a second chance and neither does she need to mourn her entire life or even pretend to be mourning, over someone, whom she obviously didn't love. And it was clear that money was of no importance to her, when she left behind that cheque. She didn't abandon her in-laws and decided to look after them, by getting a job and being independent, just the way her late husband did.

This movie is worth a watch, with it's simple portrayal of a functional family, and the aftermaths of the demise of it's sole bread earning member. It also shows how futile a woman's education goes, once she's married and not allowed to work, often because her husband earns well. Also, this film delivers the message that, if a woman dared to live her life as she wishes, she'll be called a “Pagglait" (insane). But if the freedom to live your life the way you want; requires a bit of insanity, a woman shouldn't be afraid to become a Pagglait.

Sanya Malhotra once again proved herself talented, with her admirable acting skills. And not just her, the entire cast of this movie nailed the roles, given to them, throughout the movie.

Rating: 4.2/5

Image Source: Google

[words-writ-in-starlight]

what's DFZ?

DFZ! DFZ! DFZ!

Okay, so, the DFZ series(es?) is kind of a catchall name for a couple of series by Rachel Aaron that take place in the same urban fantasy universe, the DFZ books and the Heartstriker books.  Urban cyberfantasy?  You could throw a lot of adjectives into that descriptor if you wanted to.

The general premise is that once upon a time Earth had magic.  A lot of magic.  Absolutely god-creating levels of magic.  And then, mysteriously, it all drained away some thousand years ago, leaving humanity to forget all about it while the creatures who needed it to live either withered away completely (spirits, gods, etc) or went into hiding and hibernation (also some spirits, dragons, etc).  And then, like a switch being flipped, it all came back at once in 2035, and suddenly humanity had a lot of magic to throw around and no idea what was going on.  That was a few decades ago at the start of the Heartstriker books, which are a couple decades before the DFZ books.

(Incidentally, I really like that choice.  It would have been very easy to write a novel about humanity getting magic back and running around like chickens with our heads cut off, and don’t get me wrong I would have read and adored that book, but setting things a little later means that magic is just Part Of The Deal and it’s so much goddamn cooler.)

Which brings us to the DFZ proper, also known as the Detroit Free Zone.  When magic came back, a lot of shit woke up really fast, chief among them A, dragons, and, B, Spirits of the Land.  Like the Lady of the Great Lakes, Algonquin, who was really, really not having it with every city in a hundred mile radius dumping pollutants into her water by the metric ton.  So she wiped most of the Great Lakes states off the map, and took over the ruins of Detroit to make the Detroit Free Zone, where the only laws worth mentioning are:

No murder

No dragons

No polluting the water

Anything else is pretty much free game.  So you can imagine that the DFZ gets to be a pretty interesting place pretty goddamn fast--the most magical city in the world, where anyone can do anything without fear of the law coming down on them, under the iron hand of a goddess who doesn’t much care for humans.

Anyway, if that sounds cool and you like any of the following, you should actually just trust me and go read these books without bothering with the rest of this post:

Immaculately well-constructed magical worldbuilding--the entire second book of the DFZ trilogy is basically “how to out-litigate a curse and the consequences of doing just that”

Humans Are Special trope, but in the “if you could all just slow down on the innovation we’d all be a lot safer” kind of way, which is a personal favorite

Dragons!  Lots and lots of dragons from all over the world!  This is an absolutely spectacular series for dragons, despite Algonquin’s best efforts!

Sentient cities!  The DFZ takes a while to get moving (magic takes time and big magic takes big time) but once she does, oh boy do I ever love her so goddamn much, get wrekt Algonquin

Magic Is Normal tropes coming out your goddamn ears, mixed with a healthy dose of Technology Is Magic (AIs can project stuff straight into your brain by hooking into your natural magical field and y’all...I’d kill for it...that’s so cool)

Really genuinely likable characters--Julius, Marci, Opal, and Nik are all completely fantastic and I would get drinks with any of them, and also the main romances actually enjoy each others’ company in non-romantic contexts, which is remarkably refreshing

Seers, and the finicky game of making the future jump the way you want it to jump while someone else who can also see the future is trying to make it jump the other way

Doesn’t that sound rad?  Yes, it does, I’m telling you that these books are amazing, the first DFZ book is called Minimum Wage Magic, and the first Heartstriker is called Nice Dragons Finish Last, go forth and read.  Either series is a great starting point, I actually liked reading the Heartstriker books after the DFZ books because I loved seeing Opal meet Julius, Main Character Boy for the Heartstrikers, as a competent and universally respected adult, and then getting insight into his brain which is just that one gif from Community with the pizza and the fire, all the time.

As per usual, more details under the cut.

So, magic comes back and Algonquin wreaks destruction and the DFZ happens.  Smash cut sixty years into the future for the Heartstriker books, starring Julius Heartstriker, the youngest and most regrettably tenderhearted dragon in the massive Heartstriker clan.  Julius’ primary problem in life is that he does not enjoy lying, scheming, manipulating, threatening, murdering, or power tripping, which means that his entire family pretty much takes carte blanche to kick him around like a soccer ball.  This comes to a head when his mother, Bethesda Heartstriker, puts a curse on him so that he can’t access his draconic form and dumps him unceremoniously into the DFZ, where dragons are executed on sight, with strict orders to find something to impress her, or else die quietly out of the way.

Julius, to his credit, throws himself into trying to become a Real Dragon as best he can, but he’s just so goddamn nice, he goes out and saves lives and makes bargains and enforced democracy instead of unilateral dynastic rule and falls in love with a human (hi Marci) and makes a name for himself as “the dragon you go to when all your other options would kill you or laugh in your face.”  It’s absolutely delightful to watch.  He’s doing such a good job.

Basically, the Heartstriker books go like this: Julius doesn’t like the way his world works!  And fuck you for telling him that he needs to be less kind in order to work in the world!  He’s not changing himself, he’s going to change the world instead, and because he’s very, very nice, he’ll even let you live there once he’s done!

Next up, the DFZ books, twenty years later, star Opal Yong-ae, who moved to the DFZ from Korea for reasons that become apparent later but mostly boil down to “freedom.”  Since Julius’ first arrival in the DFZ, a lot’s changed--Algonquin is gone, the Spirit of the DFZ is a sovereign entity who has her own motives and desires, and what was once a no-dragon zone is now a neutral territory governed by the Peacemaker, who you might remember as a twenty-four-year-old baby desperately out of his depth and is now a straight up force to be reckoned with, feared and respected around the world.  (I’m so proud of my son.)

Opal’s problems are that she’s a mage who hits like a tank when she’s desperate but can’t handle even the most basic tasks, and she’s scrambling to pay off a massive debt to her father in order to prove that she should be allowed to remain in the DFZ.  These are both old news.  The dead body she finds in an abandoned apartment that she’s been hired to clean out and get ready for renting, on the other hand, that’s a new, kicky, fresh kind of problem, especially once someone starts shooting at her about it.  

She joins up with another Cleaner named Nikola Kos, who she mostly knows as “that scary guy in black” and is an absolute tank who is also secretly very soft.  Their dynamic is so much fun, very intensely “Small Chaotic Drags Big Exhausted Into Drama” with the added bonus that Nik is a very cool cyborg fighter type.  Opal is so determined that it verges on being completely unhinged and I would read 15 books about her.  Also, the third book is out, so that brutal cliffhanger at the end of Half Price Gods is a problem for Eight Months Ago Me, rather than Present Day You.

[feminist-propaganda]

The Star Wars Saga Is A Meditation On Single Motherhood

It recently dawned on me that the entire story line of the Star Wars saga is built on the lives, loves and tribulations of 3 generations of single mothers. There are monsters to slay and aliens to find and planets to explore, yes, but if you think about the powerful message in the movies, you’ll come to realize it was mostly a reflection on the status of single mothers, the outcomes of their offspring, and the conflict that lives forever in their descendants.

Each trilogy, once reframed, becomes the story of one woman, who finds herself in a situation that is as old as time. She is with child, but the person who planted the seed in her is not by her side.

Shmi Skywalker or The Good Single Mother

In the Phantom Menace, Jedi Knight Qui Gon Jin meets Anakin Skywalker, a slave boy with a talent for repairing machines. The Jedi knight is impressed with the child’s abilities. He’s knowledgeable, intuitive, and most importantly he’s also kind and thoughtful. When a sand storm threatens the group of travelers, Anakin takes them to his own home and offers them shelter. 

We meet Shmi Skywalker, who in many ways is the archetype of the good single mother. She is not just quiet. She has completely erased herself. She has no personality, apart from being Anakin’s caretaker. She expresses no needs, no desires, no dreams. She simply loves Anakin, and when she sees an opportunity for him to leave the desert planet ruled by the Huts, she doesn’t stand in his way. 

In a now famous scene, Qui Gon asks her about the child’s origins and Shmi famously responds “There was no father”. The line continues: “I carried him. I gave birth. I raised him. I can’t explain what happened”.

The immaculate conception myth refers to the idea in Christianity that Mary, much like Shmi, was impregnated by some magical force, a holy spirit. Both are parabols: images we use to discuss painful topics. Single motherhood has probably always been a part of the human experience. Jared Diamond explains in “Why Is Sex Fun?” that in terms of evolution, it is more rewarding for human males to be “super spreaders “ rather than “good fathers “ . The “good father” gene does not pass down to future generations, because in effect, not sticking around to raise the child is a better strategy for a human man to pass on his genes to the next generation. Not convinced? Just count how many women have been impregnated by a rapper like Future (8 last time I checked). If you’re not into hip-hop, you can think of the offspring of the Mongol Genghis Khan

The purpose of the parabol is to provide an image, to extract ourselves from the technicalities of onr person’s story and to instead talk about all single mothers at once. Indeed, single mothers come in all shapes and sizes. Some are widowed, some are abandoned, others are lied to, and some run away from abusive environments.

Shmi raises her son the best she can, and her love for him is unconditional. She doesn’t bat an eye when he is freed while she is to continue her life as a slave. She doesn’t even seem to mind when Anakin leaves the planet and never returns to free her, even after he marries into some serious money. 

But the story of Star Wars tells us that Shmi’s relationship to Anakin, because it was so fusional, because it was all that he had, led to his undoing. In Episode 2, when he senses she is in danger, he jeopardizes his mission to protect Padme to go rescue her. When he eventually finds her, he is so upset about her ultimate death that he commits mass murder, targeting the Tuskan riders of the sea of Dunes.

When Yoda first lays eyes on Anakin, he senses Anakin’s pain, he is just a child whose been ripped away from the only human that’s ever cared for him deeply. The turmoil inside the boy is palpable, and Yoda advises against training him. 

Padme Amidala or The Bad Single Mother

Anakin develops feelings for Padme, and in Episode 2 the pair decide to secretly get married in the lake district of Padme’s home planet Naboo. Their relationship is very intense. Both share a strong sense of civic duty: Padme was elected queen of the Naboo when she was just 14 &  Anakin is a keeper of the peace. They care deeply about issues such as how the galaxy must be governed, how much action needs to be taken versus when diplomacy must be prioritized. 

Their strong sense of service has made them lonely young people. They’re far away from their families, surrounded by advisors, servants and droids - not friends. 

They jump into their relationship with an eagerness that suggests it is their original caretakers they crave for.

Padme becomes pregnant while the Clone Wars are raging, and immediately Anakin begins to experience trouble with his sleeping. He imagines Padme is dying in childbirth, and the visions haunt him during the day. His fear that she will die ultimately leads to his decision to join the Dark side of the force. Senator Palpatine has manipulated him into believing that Sith Lords have discovered the power to prevent death itself. 

Just like his mother before him, we need to look at Anakin’s story in terms of symbolism. It isn’t really about his specific experience with fatherhood : it’s about the universal conflict that men feel towards their own offspring. Even the way it is announced to him, in the Senate chambers, barely hidden from the rest of the Coruscant elite, implies some sort of entrapment. The columns around them seem to be like a cage that is closing in on his life. He is in the middle of the Wars - he should be celebrating his victory over General Grivious, but instead he is stuck with his wife and he has to absorb her anxiety & reassure her. 

Anakin makes a weird, forced smile and says : “This is a happy moment.” But neither Padme nor the audience believe him. Nothing about him feels happy, he isn’t relaxed: he is tense.

At the end of Episode 3, Anakin attempts to kill Padme when she condemns the mass murders he’s committed against the younglings in the Jedi temple. Hr uses for the first time his “strangling” trick, which becomes his signature move in the original trilogy. 

Palpatine makes Anakin believe that he’s killed Padme, but the truth is somewhat more nuanced. She dies of heartbreak shortly after giving birth to twins. For anyone who thought this was corny, it’s actually been proven by the scientific community that heartbreak reduces your life expectation (it diminishes the size of the telomeres in your body cells, which is the molecule that helps replicate your DNA). 

As Lisa Feldman Barret wrote in How Emotions Are Made: 

Emotional harm can shorten your life. Inside your body, you have little packets of genetic material that sit on the ends of your chromosomes like protective caps. They’re called telomeres. All living things have telomeres—humans, fruit flies, amoebas, even the plants in your garden. Every time one of your cells divides, its telomeres get a little shorter (although they can be repaired by an enzyme called telomerase). So generally their size slowly decreases, and at some point, when they are too short, you die. This is normal aging. But guess what else causes your telomeres to get smaller? Stress does. Children who experience early adversity have shorter telomeres. In other words, emotional harm can do more serious damage, last longer, and cause more future harm than breaking a bone

More severe cases involve patients actually dying of a broken heart, the myocardia just collapses under the weight of the sadness the human feels.

The original trilogy should be re-viewed with all of this new information we have. In the 80s, when Empire Strikes Back came out, the “I am your father” line became instantly iconic. But the plot twist was more like an “Oh My gosh!” moment rather than a profound reflection on fatherhood. The audience sympathized with Luke not because his father had been absent and negligent, but because his father’s job was to serve a fachist leader. It was the actions of Darth Vader as a political servant that were questioned, not his refusal to nurture a smaller being. 

Padme is the opposite of Shmi. She is the archetype of the “bad” single mother. The bad single mother is the single mother who can’t deal with the situation and checks out of it. She collapses under the weight that she feels on her shoulders. She can't get over the heartbreak, she can’t find the will to live. 

Society tends to punish the Padme’s just as much as it praises the Shmis. Television programs like “Teen Mom” are set up to shame the young deviants into adopting the correct behavior. The purpose of the show is to judge these young women into becoming self-sacrificing mothers.

Leia Organa - The Non-single Single Mother

Leia Organa is Anakin Skywalker’s daughter. She is raised by an adoptive frailly on Alderaan after she’s separated at birth from her brother Luke. Much like her mother, she becomes a dedicated public servant, a trusted leader and a beloved public figure. 

She is raised by a wealthy family in the central galactic systems. The Organas teach her the ways of the elite political class. As an adult she serves the cause of the Rebels, and when she meets Han Solo in Episode 4, the mediocre smuggler fascinates her. 

In the now famous scene from Hoth in Episode 5, Leia declares her love for Han Solo right as he’s about to be frozen in carbonite. The ultimate bad boy responds his chilling, because realistic  “I know”.

Han is nothing compared to Leia. He drives a broken down ship, doesn’t have any morals or even a simple code of conduct, much less a cause that he’s dedicated his life to. He has nothing to offer her, and is definitely not in her league. But still, in Episode 6, the pair become an official item.

The last Trilogy was an opportunity to explore Leia’s experience with motherhood. By now we know that Leia’s grandmother was a “Good single mother”, she completely sacrificed herself to protect her son & more importantly she never questioned her status of sole caretaker (remember the “there was no father“ line). We also know that Leia’s mother was a public servant, and a passionate woman who allowed herself to fall deeply in love with a sensitive young man with a non existing support system. Leia’s mother was the “bad” single mother: driven only by her career (Queen of the Naboo, later a Senator of the Old Republic) she did not step up to the task when her destiny revealed itself to her.

Leia seems to share her mother’s taste in reckless young men with a lot of attitude and no emotional security to offer. It’s the excitement she craves, not the tranquility.

Her fate will be the same as her foremothers. She has a child with Han, but when she sends him away to be trained by Luke, she loses them both.

Their dialogue in Episode 7 goes like this: 

Han Solo : Listen to me, will you? I know every time you... Every time you look at me you're reminded of him.

Leia : You think I want to forget him? I want him back.

Han Solo : There's nothing more we could have done. There's too much Vader in him.

Leia : That's why I wanted him to train with Luke. I just never should have sent him away. That's when I lost him. That's when I lost you both.

The last trilogy develops Leia’s character in a way that allows her to be something else than just a single mother. She loses her husband, she even loses her son to the dark side: but she never loses herself. Leia doesn’t allow her condition to define her. She becomes a leader of the Resistance even if it means going after her son’s New order. 

In Episode 9, Leia even destroys her son to protect Rey - the symbolism is that she’s overcome her role as a mother, she’s rejected the notion that she must sacrifice everything for her son even if it goes against her own self interest (like Shmi). She also rejects the idea that her partner abandoning her is the end of her. It isn’t. Unlike her mother, she finds the will to live, and to lead the next generation of freedom fighters and peace keepers.

The saga ends on a hopeful note for all of us single mothers out there. It comes with a message for us : we don’t need to choose between the austere Shmi and the weak Padme. We can instead decide that this “single mom” problem is kind of like beauty : it lies in the eyes of the beholder.

Single moms don’t need to think of themselves as failures, they don’t need to live in modest conditions, they don’t need to beg society's forgiveness for merely existing. They don’t need to be ashamed. 

Single moms don’t need to erase their brains and their lives, and sink into an ocean of denial either. They don't need to be obsessed with their careers or caught up in romantic entanglements that are only going to exhaust them.

Single moms can just decide that they’re women, with beautiful, inspiring personalities and kind, loving hearts. Mothers are first and foremost, the leaders of the young, the protectors of the realm and the makers of the future. It’s not that it doesn’t matter that they’re alone. It’s that they don’t have to be alone at all.

[themuzzleofnemesis]

5–Memory of Flames; Scene 2

The Muzzle of Nemesis, pages 178-193

“What—is the meaning of this!?” I demanded of Gammon, with the burning mansion in my sights. “Didn’t I ask you to wait until I arrived?”

“That’s what we were planning, but…Some of the militia men went against orders. It was hard even for me to hold them back.”

“Even so…”

--I had headed for the Dark Star Bureau after killing Tony, but it had already fallen to the militia.

Apparently they had captured Bruno. He had been brought to the militia’s main headquarters, and so was no longer at the Dark Star Bureau.

Also not at the bureau…was Gallerian. From the looks of things he had abandoned Bruno and escaped via a secret passageway.

They told me Gammon and some of the soldiers had followed after him, and so I had immediately left the building to rendezvous with them.

What I ultimately arrived at was here…Gallerian’s home—

I had asked Gammon ahead of time not to lay a hand on Gallerian.

And yet, they had already set fire to the mansion.

…According to Gammon, it was our opponent who attacked first.

“One of the soldiers suddenly caught fire. His body was consumed by blue flames.”

“Was he fired at by some fire arrow or bottle bomb?”

“…I don’t know. It didn’t look that way, at least. It was as though he’d had some spell put on him—”

…A spell, huh.

Thinking on the people Gallerian had known—my mother, and Nikolay, it wouldn’t be out of the ordinary if he knew how to use magic.

Mr. Ziz, currently my mask, spoke up.

<Blue flames…In the past I have seen a sorceress who could use those>

“Who?”

<Irina Clockworker. The red cat sorceress, who lived an eternity manipulating other people. As far as I know she’s the only one who can use blue fire. I don’t know how Gallerian can do it>

“Is there…a chance that this red cat lady taught it to him?”

<She’s gone now. She died long ago>

“…”

<Perhaps Gallerian has also contracted with a demon>

“Just like…me?”

<Though even if he has—you can still kill him. As long as you use that golden bullet, there’s no way you’ll lose>

Appearing to believe I was muttering to myself, Gammon peered at my face with a doubtful expression.

“—Nemesis? You alright?”

“Huh? Yeah…I was just thinking aloud. –Gallerian is inside. You’re certain of that?”

“He can’t get outside with these flames. If we leave the mansion be, eventually—”

“…That’s not good enough.”

I couldn’t just let him die without having ever confronted him.

I slowly started to walk towards the mansion.

“Hey, Nemesis! It’s too rash to go in there! Stop!”

Gammon cried out to me from behind, but I ignored him and pushed on ahead.

--As I got closer to the mansion, I could feel the temperature around me rising.

When I reached the entrance the flames were almost touching my skin.

<…Hey hey, don’t do anything excessive, Nemesis>

The moment Mr. Ziz spoke, the fire suddenly parted around me.

“Woah…So a demon can do that too.”

<You won’t die even if you’re fried to a crisp, but it’ll still take a while for you to heal, and more importantly your clothes will burn off. You don’t want to reunite with your Papa naked and charred black, do you?>

“Thanks for your concern towards my being a lady.”

Then I stepped foot in the mansion. Unlike the outside, the fire had yet to really reach the interior of the house.

I could hear someone talking from further in.

I advanced in that direction.

.

From what I could glean from the doorway, this room was the study.

Inside a single man was sitting at a desk, talking to a doll clutched in his arms.

“—The bat’s gone now.”

“…”

“Don’t worry, Papa isn’t going anywhere.”

“…”

“I wonder what kind of place hell will be.”

“…”

Is this…

So this man was my father?

This man with such girlish interests as to talk to dolls?

…The doll he was holding looked familiar.

It was that doll Mr. Ziz had taken from the ocean. They must have handed it off to him after it was recovered by PN.

“Mr. Ziz—now that I think about it, there’s something I’ve always meant to ask you.”

<What is it?>

“Why you went to such lengths to collect that doll.”

<Because that is…another “Vessel of Deadly Sin”, like Grim the End>

“Then there is…a demon inside it after all.”

<--Maybe>

Then did that mean that the “Will of the Forest” I had spoken to—was the voice of a demon?

I emptied out the cylinder of my revolver.

And in place of the regular bullets, I loaded in the golden one from my ammo case.

<Oh, you’re finally using it! That’s good. If he has a Vessel of Deadly Sin then it’s most likely that Gallerian is himself a contractor>

While listening to Mr. Ziz speak, I entered the room—gun at the ready.

“Dark Star Bureau Director Gallerian Marlon.”

When I spoke to him he finally noticed me.

“And you are…Ah yes, you’re finally here. The one who will kill me.”

Gallerian stood from his chair, boldly smiling.

While still clutching the doll.

“You’re alone. What happened to the others? Did they not come inside?”

“…I’m perfectly able to kill you on my own.”

I aimed the gun at his forehead.

Despite that, his faint smile didn’t waver.

“That’s a good gun. It smells a bit like gunpowder smoke—and blood.”

“I’ve recently used it to kill someone. Tony Ausdin…Your friend.”

“I see. So you’re the one who killed Tony. And now you’re going to put me down with that gun—”

“It’s the gun you sent to me—‘Master’.”

When I said that name to him, finally Gallerian’s expression wavered.

“…That you know that form of address—Heheh, so that’s it. You’re—‘Number 8’.”

“Yes, exactly. Nice to meet you—Though we’ll soon be parting forever.”

“I don’t understand. You were my ally, so why are you threatening me now?”

“Because you…are evil. You’ve ruined so many people just to fill your own pockets. This gun that will soon shoot you is the face of everyone’s anger—Come, repent!”

The Dark Star Bureau—the organization that managed the USE’s judicial system.

Gallerian who was the director at its top had used his position to commit evil deeds, time and time again.

His goal was to accumulate money. As long as he received a bribe he would reduce the sentencing of any sort of villain, and conversely would charge those who went against his will with false crimes to bring them down.

That wasn’t all. He would also secretly erase those who might get in his way using assassins like I had once been.

And I guess he plays with dolls at home…

I couldn’t find with a single redeeming quality.

He didn’t deserve to live.

Even if—he was my father.

“…I have one thing I want to ask you. Why did you have me made into an assassin?”

“Hm? What do you mean?”

“Don’t try to bullshit me. I know that you run PN’s shadow organization—Pere Noel. The man Bruno always called ‘Master’…That is you, isn’t it?”

“You are correct on that. I am ‘Master’. I don’t mean to try to deceive you on that point now. But—the last member that I hired personally was ‘Number 7’, Eater.”

“…Huh?”

“To tell the truth, the only things I know about you are your codename of ‘Number 8’ and that you’re an assassin. Until just now, I mean. You were inducted as a member through Bruno’s discretion alone. He has always worked very well on my behalf, you see. I had no reason to object.  I was just grateful to him that he had obtained another asset for me.”

Gallerian hadn’t known anything?

Not even that I…was his daughter?

--So what if he didn’t. That didn’t change the fact that this man was a villain.

I didn’t come here out of a personal grudge. I was here as a mouthpiece for the world’s righteous fury.

I moved yet closer to Gallerian.

“…Select either path. Whether your brow will be shot through, or burned up in this hellfire.”

“Let me give you some advice as a judge. Don’t leave your choice of verdict up to the defendant. If you want to kill me, then you select the method yourself.”

If he had wailed and begged for his life I would have still shot him without hesitation.

But as I was growing irate at his arrogant behavior, at the same time I was beginning to have some unwelcome doubts.

Gallerian showed no sign of reflection. Even if he fell down to hell, he likely wouldn’t regret any of what he had done.

--Was I really satisfied with that?

Maybe I had wanted him to apologize to me.

For throwing away his own daughter. For making her unhappy.

But…Gallerian hadn’t known that “Number 8” was his daughter.

On the contrary, there was a possibility that he hadn’t even been told that my mother—Kayo Sudou, had given birth to a child at all.

I thought about asking him. About whether or not he knew about me…About the daughter named Nemesis.

…What would happen if I learned the answer?

We weren’t eating at some refined restaurant right now. This was a warzone, and I was pointing a gun at him.

Even if I went as his daughter in this situation—it wouldn’t gain either of us anything.

If he didn’t know, that was fine with me.

I would have Gallerian die without knowing of Nemesis.

I pulled back the firing hammer of my gun.

All I had left to do was pull the trigger.

…

But no matter how I tried I couldn’t carry out that last act.

<My my, are you hesitating at the last moment, Nemesis?> Mr. Ziz said mockingly, but I ignored him.

Yet even so he continued to speak to me.

<So then…How about this? You give him a chance for “atonement”>

Atonement?

<If he sincerely regrets his sins, then save his life>

He couldn’t seriously be suggesting that at this stage—

<Naturally, that comes with the condition that you do so right here. As long as you have my power, you will be able to slip through the flames with him. After that you should hand him over to Gammon. Even after everything’s said and done, the Tasan Party is a proper political organization. If Gallerian surrenders himself they aren’t likely to kill him then and there—the fact that they captured Bruno alive is proof enough of that>

“…”

<Whatever the case, Gallerian will be ruined…But if you want him to feel any remorse for his deeds, this option would probably be better than killing him>

In a sense, that suggestion was very appropriate for a demon to give.

It wasn’t based off of any benevolence, but rather a simple desire to see Gallerian suffer more.

But—perhaps it would be good to give him a chance, in order to make my decision.

“Gallerian—if you have any thoughts of repentance…Relinquish your fortune.”

“Oh?”

It wouldn’t be enough for him to just turn himself in. Even if the Tasan Party pardoned him, the world would most certainly still wish for his death.

In order to weaken the pressure of society against him even a little bit he would need to show some self-reflection with a tangible act.

“You stole a great deal of money and goods from people…If you promise to give it back, then I will spare your life at least.”

Gammon seemed to also want back the sword that had been stolen from him. Maybe if he learned it was in this mansion he would even move to stop it from burning down.

Gallerian had run away too readily from the Dark Star Bureau. His fortune probably wasn’t there.

Then the only other place I could think of—was his home.

“You would…spare my life?”

“Yes, Gallerian. You must have something you’ve still yet to do. If you live then maybe you’ll be able to obtain the chance to achieve it. If you die then that’s it for you!”

I tried to persuade Gallerian now in much the same way as Mr. Ziz and Gammon had done for me.

In response to their arguments, I had chosen to live.

Even Gallerian would surely—

“…My fortune—”

Yes, as long as you let it go, I will save you.

“—I won’t ever hand it over to the likes of you!” he…replied without a trace of doubt on his face.

“Everything…All of it, it’s mine! Why would I need to give anyone what I worked so hard to obtain? You lot…don’t even know why I gathered all of it in the first place!”

“…”

“And let me say up front, my fortunate isn’t even in this mansion! My precious money and items, they’re all hidden somewhere else! Somewhere you’ll never find! And if living means giving it to others, then let it sleep there for all eternity!”

“…You’re trash that can’t be helped.”

I had known it well. This man had no notion of “atonement”.

Even if he were to survive and go to prison, he would go the rest of his days without renouncing his acts.

So it’s as I thought—I had to end him here, by my own hands.

I thrust the muzzle of my gun at Gallerian’s forehead.

“Let mine and the people’s hatred wash over your body…and then sleep.”

“Oh? So, it seems you’ve chosen to kill me with the gun. …If you’re going to do it, then hurry up. You’re scaring my daughter.”

“—Your daughter?”

“Can you not see her? She’s right here.”

He looked at the doll that he was carrying.

“It’s alright, don’t be afraid.”

He patted the doll’s head.

“This young lady here only has business with your Papa. You have nothing to worry about.”

Gallerian spoke to the doll with kind eyes that he had most certainly never directed at me.

.

Could he honestly think this doll was his daughter--?

Did he think it was me?

Then…he really did know about me.

He'd thought I died.

And then went insa--

.

"--Don't worry, it'll be over soon…Michelle."

.

…

…Heh.

……Ha ha ha.

That's right.

Of course not.

Gallerian had had a daughter with his proper wife.

Her name was Michelle.

She--had been aboard the ship that I sank.

She was already gone.

.

…And yet.

You don't look at me.

Just at the doll.

You just keep looking at that dead girl.

Even though--I'm still alive, right here.

.

Hey, Father.

Look at me.

.

Look at me too.

.

--With this it's truly over.

Let's make everything end.

At some point Gallerian had quit speaking to the doll, and was gazing at my face in utter stillness.

In his eyes there was neither the affection he had directed at the doll.

Nor any fear of death.

Nor anger at me.

There was none of that.

Merely—the empty eyes of a madman.

.

"--Farewell."

You sinful “evil”.

My father.

.

I pulled the heavy trigger.

And then—the golden bullet was fired from the muzzle.

.

Ordinarily this would kill instantly, with no time for words.

But as he collapsed backwards--

He murmured in the end:

"I'm fine with this…Thank you--Nemesis."

.

………Huh?

<<prev------directory------next>>

[eusage]

⟨ LEE TAEMIN. CIS MALE. HE/HIM. ⟩ though the mist might prevent some from seeing it, SAGE HWANG is actually a descendent of H E C A T E. it’s still a question of whether or not the TWENTY-SEVEN year old MIST MANIPULATION MAJOR from NEW YORK, USA has taken after their godly parent completely, but the demigod is still known to be quite EMPATHETIC & ERRATIC. 

hi everyone!! my name is xun and i am so excited to be  here! c: i present to you the emotional hurricane that is sage hwang! he is a son of hecate and i cannot wait to get this all started! 

i actually have a profile page over here: x, a look into the history of sage over here x and you can read all about his personality and powers on the acceptance post over here x! 

sage hwang was born in brooklyn, nyc and has lived there up until deciding to join eonia. 

he has always lived alone with his stoner dad and mostly had to take care of himself. his childhood isn’t all bad, though. he’s got a lot of good memories with his father, and it wasn’t until sage was almost of age that the drug addiction really took a turn for the worst.

the addiction quickly got out of hand, and after his father refused to accept help and always being completely drugged out, sage eventually left him by himself.

he did put a protection spell on his father, though, and still secretly peeked into his life from time to time.

17-year-old sage barely had any money at the time and decided to take shelter in an abandoned building. he kept himself warm during the cold nights with his pyrokinesis powers and protected the building with various concealment spells.  he lived alone like that for a while, but eventually found other demigods to keep him company.

he’s provided a safe shelter to various lone demigods he’s come across. while he provided them with safety and the warmth of a fire, he’d ask them to use their own powers to survive in any way they could as well. that way, they’d be able to live comfortably and help each other out. (plus he absolutely SUCKS at physical combat, so anyone with superhuman strength would a++)

he’s very empathetic and forgiving, so even to the (often) jaded demigods that would show up with bad attitudes, he tried his best to help them in any way he could. sometimes, to the point where it became ridiculous. the only thing he would throw a demigod out for was if they continuously endangered the safety of the others.

sage is very kind, but also highly emotional. kind of like a ticking time bomb. he can get very upset/angry whenever people close to him put himself in danger. it doesn’t help that he always feels like there is more that he can do to be better. hence why he eventually decided to attend eonia. he wants to ensure he really is doing the most he can to protect those around him, without feeling tense 24/7. 

but he does pray to hecate every single day to make sure the people he left behind in new york are okay. 

his powers work best at night so he usually naps a lot throughout the day and is awake all night to practice his skills. 

okay so summarising all of that was kinda shitty BUT i do have some plot requests + thread ideas here ( i purposely made them very vague so we can discuss and adjust them more in private c: )

POSITIVE

BEST FRIENDS (0/2) (requirements: age 24+).  sage is the type of person to always take care of anyone and everyone if he can, but you are one of the very few people that actually allow him to relax for a moment. might have met before in new york, or maybe you got close very fast during your time at eonia. 

NEW YORK DEMIGODS (0/?)  back in new york, you stayed with sage and his group of demigods for a while. might have taught each other a thing or two as well, perhaps have had to save each other, etc etc. 

COFFEE PRINCE(SS) (0/1) the one person who truly understands what a night owl like sage needs to get through the day: coffee. it started with you randomly bringing him a cup while he was falling asleep again, but ended in a beautiful friendship.

RAY OF SUNSHINE (0/1) (preferably apollo’s children, i guess, but any muse who loves to make music is fine!) sage absolutely loves to dance and release his stress, you love making music: perfect combination. he always comes your way just to clear his head for a moment.

NEUTRAL

EX-LOVERS (0/2) (requirements: age 24+, gender not important.) you dated for a while (before eonia or during your time at eonia), but things didn’t work out the way you wanted to and so you broke it off. whether or not they are on good terms now is up for discussion, but in all likeliness sage DOES try to avoid you because of the emotional burden he does not want to carry. (sage has a tendency to walk off during fights as well, so that could also be part of the reason for the break up) 

NEGATIVE

ENEMIES (0/?) while sage is not the type of person to straight up fight people, he still rubs people the wrong way sometimes. he might have been too sensitive in response to something your muse said or did. or maybe there was an incident while he was trying to practice his pyrokinesis skills and you’ve never really forgiven him for it. 

ONE SIDED CRUSH (0/1) (requirements age 24+) for a while, sage has had a huge crush on you and actually seemed to be under the impression that his feelings were reciprocated. but, alas, they weren’t, and him being the absolute emotional wrecking ball that he is, took full offense to it. he now tries his best to avoid you. friends? you thought. 

threads ideas:

heard you like to experiment with herbal cigarettes, can i join you please?

your dad is a tattoo artist, right? are you skilled too?? can you draw a tattoo on me too?? (bonus points for being drunk/high and regretting it later)

we are teamed up for our combat tactics class, but honestly, i have NEVER seen someone suck so hard at this. can i get a new teammate please? (no? ok.)

i don’t really like you much, but i need help in the witchcraft department and i really can’t ask anyone else 

drunk threads! sage doesn’t drink a lot, but when he does, he gets wasted fairly quickly. which drunk sage are you gonna get today? happy? sad? clingy? find out after the break

idk please just plot with me ill think of something else!!

[floofiestboy]

Haruhara Question Corners #1-10

Haruhara took questions from 2017 - 2018 on his blog - he’s no longer accepting questions, but they’re still up for people to see for free. There’s 50 question corners in total, each about one question each. 

I don’t know if someone’s translated this before, but I couldn’t find anything so I figured I might as well do it. The questions are mostly Senyuu-related, but there’s some questions about Haruhara himself, Gakumon, and Hero Hearts as well. 

Without further ado - here are the translations of the first ten question corners below the cut:

Question Corner #1

Q. From À La Carte-san:

Do you have any drinks you’d recommend, or that you drink a lot? Also, what flavour of ice cream do you like best?

A. 

I like carbonated drinks, so I drink those a lot. I like carbonated drinks, but I get thirsty if I drink sweet drinks, so I just drink carbonated water.

My favourite flavour of ice cream would be chocolate. I like chocolate. But I don’t really have ice cream that often. I like sour things more nowadays. I like persimmons, I eat them. If I ever went to Sapporo for a signing session, I’d like to buy some famous curry-flavoured snacks.

Q. From My Bank Account Has 800 Yen-san:

I’d like to know more about Alles-san’s family and also about what she was doing before becoming a maid.

A. 

I think she was kinda just loitering about before becoming a maid. I explain how she became a maid in Main Quest, but if you asked me what she was doing before that, I’d have to say she was loitering. I tried thinking about it seriously since I never thought about it before, but all I can think of is that she was loitering about, so that’s what I think she was doing.

About her family - she has a little brother… if I recall correctly, I’ve thought, “This woman definitely has a little brother,” in the past, so I think she’s got one. I don’t plan to ever incorporate him in the main story though. Since their dynamic would be too similar to the siblings that appear in Gakumon! I don’t think he’ll ever appear.

What is her little brother doing? Unlike his big sister, he went to a good school, graduated, and is now loitering about.

Question Corner #2

Q. From I Like Rice-san:

Lately, I’ve been getting into sprinkling furikake or nameko mushrooms on my rice - it’s really good! Do you have anything you like putting on your rice?

A. 

This one kind of food I was served a signing session was super good. I thought “Ah, it’s good! It’s so good!” all while scarfing it down. What was it called again…? I got it at a lot of signing sessions, but the only thing I remember is “It’s good!” - I can’t recall its proper name… anyways, the point is, it was delicious! Thanks to the people who gave me it!

I fried up some beef tongue and chili oil I was gifted recently and made fried rice. It was delicious!

Q. From My Bank Account Has 800 Yen-san:

What’s Roborabbit (from Gakumon)’s HF (Human Form) like?

A. 

Two question corners in a row, My Bank Account Has 800 Yen-san!

Have I never drawn Roborabbit’s human form? No I haven’t, I’ve only ever thought about it. For those of you wondering what a “Human Form” is, please read Gakumon!

She’d be a black-haired girl with straight bangs and a goth lolita look.

Q. From Aoi-san:

Sion-san seems like he’d be really smart, but in reality, did he ever get the chance to go to school when he was young?

A. 

He didn’t, no. In that era, I get the feeling that there weren’t many schools. It was kinda like the adults around you would teach you the essentials you needed to survive. Though I think there were schools in more prosperous cities of the era.

He learnt science by helping his father out sometimes, reading books, and studying in prosperous cities of the era. He kinda studied as he drifted from region to region.

Question Corner #3

Q. From Sakekawa-san:

Now that Alba has magic, will he live longer?

A. 

He will not, he will die.

Aside from demons who have magic at birth, anyone who has magic will age just like any other human and die.

But if you use your mana well, you might be able to live in a healthy way, letting you live longer.

In that sense, his life expectancy would increase, but if he just lived normally, he’d die normally as well.

[T/N: Haruhara, how did Elf live for 2000+ years then…]

Q. From Kion-san:

There have been concepts like the Alba Manjuu in SQ being made of(?) ribs, and the number of plates of food MQ Ros ate increasing, that your assistants have secretly(?) put in. Have there been other cases where your assistants have put in concepts that made the story more interesting or added more characterization? Alternatively, please tell me about cases where the assistants were actually the ones to think of an idea and draw it.

A. 

If we’re talking recently, the flea market scene in the Dododon-sama arc.

When I saw this, I remembered that “Ah, Senyuu was a fantasy series!” 

On a side note, my backgrounds are more like this:

I’m sure there were other cases where this kind of thing happened, but I can’t recall…

On a side note, those maids in MQ are wearing heavy make-up because I asked my assistants to draw them that way, not because my assistants’ drawing styles were like that.

Question Corner #4

Q. From My Bank Account Has 800 Yen-san:

Does Shushu-chan from Gakumon wear short sleeves all year around? Doesn’t she get cold in the winter?

A.

I was planning to have her wear long sleeves in the winter, but the manga ended… before it hit wintertime… I think Juz would wear shorts even in the winter.

I even thought about making a chapter where she picked up some long sleeves.

In order to be fair, I’ve just been looking at the question contents and not the names of the senders, but My Bank Account Has 800 Yen-san, your overwhelming probability rate of being picked… Everyone! I’m looking for more than just Senyuu questions!

Q. From Nanako-san:

What are Crea’s parents like? Does he remember them?

A.

They’re delightful. Crea does not remember them. When he tries to remember them, he just feels warm inside.

Question Corner #5

Q. From Mt. Hakkaisan-san:

Do you have any animals you’d like to keep as a pet?

A. 

I’d like a cat or a dog. According to my life plan, I’ll have one in around ten years. A dog that really acts like a dog or a cat that really acts like a cat would be nice!

Question Corner #6

Q. From I Stubbed My Toe Into the Drawers-san:

How many metres tall can Rchi-chan stretch her body to become?

A. 

She’s capable of stretching her body a fair bit, but since she doesn’t have the muscles to support it, if she stretches too much her body can’t support the weight.

If we consider how tall she could stretch and still be useful, she can stretch to about the height of a basket used in a sports day ball-throwing competition.

[T/N: He’s talking about one of these things.]

Question Corner #7

Q. From Tatami-san:

Why is Professor Ain from Hero Hearts a “professor”? In the character summary for Hero Hearts Volume 2, it said that this would be explained “later”, but since it was never revealed, it’s been bothering me.

A.

I wonder why?!

I’ve forgotten! I’ve completely forgotten! I vaguely remember that I thought up something related to Professor Ain’s true identity - which was revealed near the end - but since Hero Hearts was cancelled, I abandoned that plot thread to wrap everything up nicely… I think…?

I think something happened that couldn’t see the light of day. This is what cancellation does.

Question Corner #8

Q. From Rorota-san:

Alba became able to use magic through the Mana Maker inserted into his body, but do Elf and Alf have magic naturally? Also, can Crea use magic since he awoke to magic when he was a child?

A. 

In Elf and Alf’s world, since Great Mage Alba popularized the use of magic, they use magic like we use electronics and gas in reality. (Like how in Chapter 4 Episode 0, they have cars and gas stoves.) Just like how we can turn on a fan with the flick of a switch even though we don’t have electricity-manipulating powers, your average person who can’t use magic can similarly turn on a magic-powered fan with the flick of switch. 

If you go to a specialized school and study magic, mana will build up within your body.

* Just an illustration

The more knowledge you have of magic, the more mana builds up within you. After that, it’s just getting used to it.

[T/N: If that’s the case, then why can’t Ros use magic even without a Mana Maker…]

Since Crea’s body was taken as-is from after Rchimedes was using it, I think there’s some mana left behind in it. But since Crea isn’t really a subtle kind of person and he doesn’t like studying, I think he can’t use magic.

Question Corner #9

Q. From Arin-san:

Hello, please tell me Alf Parkinton’s birthday and what food he likes to eat.

A.

Since I named him “Parkinton” because I wanted to give him a name that sounds like “Pumpkin”, he’s born on October 31st!

His favourite foods are Squash Cake and Mashed Sweet Potatoes with Chestnuts.

He’s the type of person to drink black tea at a coffee shop instead of coffee, while enjoying a squash cake.

[T/N: A squash cake and kuri-kinton (mashed sweet potatoes with chestnuts).]

Question Corner #10

Q. From: Totomaru.-san:

Regarding what SQ Ros-san is called - Crea-san calls Ros-san “Sii-tan”, then introduces himself to Rchi-chan as “Ros’ friend Crea”, but is Ros’ real name in that universe still Sion? Also, are there some circumstances explaining why Ros-san decided to call himself Ros there?

A. 

I had Crea call him “Sii-tan” because it felt weird having him call him “Ros”.

I did try thinking back then about why Crea would call him “Sii-tan”, but I eventually decided to not worry about the little details and abandoned the idea without really thinking about it.

Some explanations could be:

1. Ros’ full name is Sion Ros or Ros Sion.

2. It’s a nickname that has nothing to do with his real name - to give an anecdote, I had a friend back in elementary school that we called “Ze”, but this was just because he liked ending his sentences with “-daze!” Originally, his nickname was “Daze”, but somewhere along the line it ended up as just “Ze”. Maybe something like that?

3. For some reason he’s taken up the false name of Ros.

It’s one of these three reasons! The truth is hidden in the darkness!

But since SQ has ended the truth will never be revealed, huh. Well then, I’ll think about it! This is my homework!

[miyiee]

“TOMINO”

“TOMINO”

Written By: Miyie 〴

(Disclaimer! Please do not read if you are someone who is easily disturbed, make sure you are over 13 to read this content may include violence, alcohol, abuse, and blood, Thank you!) This is not your typical horror genre, it truly describes real-life “horror.” I really wanted to bring out these situations, as there are many out there who suffer from these.) -Miyie 〴

It’s only imaginary, it’s something so forfeit, something you cannot deliberately see.

………...See, I once had this friend, it was only engraved in my mind, not necessarily sincere nor significant to me, someone that was so authentically cruel, but yet I followed…..

A bird caged-girl, as she started to plug her ears to block out the interphone chime, I am fighting with an enemy I couldn’t even see, even till the end I was leading myself to a truly unseemly thing. A leash clings on my neck, each step, each walk, each breath I took. I am always being watched by someone, something.

Who, you may ask? My imaginary friend. “And, it has been that way for years.”

“Free me, lift me from my guilt.” If it were only so simple.

1/2/1981

Ever since the day I was born into this world, I have always been those principles of innocence, my mother, my father always checked up on me to make sure I wasn’t doing anything bad and they would always find me quite strange for a child. You see, I was always talking to the wall, in the same position. “Look! Mommy, isn’t he nice?” Yes. Tomino loved me deeply, there was no doubt, but you see, this love was a strange one and cannot be explained. “Sure, whatever you say, Hika.” She leaned down and pet me on the head. Of course to her extent, mother would never believe such nonsense...I always thought Tomino was there, someone everyone else could also see…...

Not just me.

…...

2/18/1988

One day as my mother was going out to head for groceries, I stopped her, no Tomino stopped her, he

told me to.

“Please just don’t go today, I would like you to just stay with me.”

  The day after, it was reported, documented on the news of an incident that happened to be the same street my mother was just going to head to, xxx street of Zemark, a shooting happening between two drunk white men, about 12 people had either died that day, 9 injured within that store. These sorts of incidents would occur several times after then on any random day. “That excuse again?” Tomino this, Tomino that.” Mother would often say to me out of frustration. She couldn’t understand why her daughter was acting this certain way after all. 

Was I really that childish or…. Did I speak the truth?

But, you see, such kindness comes with a price. 

A promise that was forged. 

I spend the days with Tomino, we play together, talk together for hours, I drew and wrote on his requests, but one day, it seems he has gotten quite bored of my childish acts and lingers for a little more fun and excitement. He threw my painting on the floor in anger, “So what do you want me to do then?”I asked. I wished I didn’t have asked, maybe then I wouldn’t need to do whatever he said..…. It was a little dark outside for a spring season while taking multiple glances towards outside the window. He told me to “Go outside and stab this helpless squirrel with a kitchen knife, smear its blood around in a circle on this painting, and to finally make a box around it in the sand with a stick.” When I declined, he would get mad at me and would not talk to me for hours, doesn’t help me anymore, so I did it, I obeyed him like a dog.

Mother tried ever since, to cure me of this disease, this illness. She looked for any doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, etc. “Your child is perfectly healthy,” they said. Not even the best professionals figured it out. Tomino was always mischievous, mysterious, secretive, smart about where he moves each of his pawns. To him, this was no more than just a game.

My father abandoned me because of this, well partly. He cheated on her, secretly, but it was funny since father still had this small affection for mom, so instead, he told her a white lie. I knew all along because Tomino tells me about these things. 

I was only left with my mother. “Why me?” Why can’t I have a normal child?,” I would often hear mother mumble under her breath. My mother was no longer the kind mother I knew. It wasn’t a surprise she has become an alcoholic soon after.  

“What are you looking at? You pathetic little brat, this is all your fault!”, mother said.

“I REALLY HATE THE SMELL OF ALCOHOL.”, I screamed at her.

Miza peered in on us in the corner, she came to my house for the project.

I knew,.... She knew.

……….

Tomino would often come to comfort me when I cry, although sometimes he is upset himself and never comes, he said it wasn’t my fault. “It was Okaa-san’s fault for not understanding us enough.”

School was no different. 

“No wonder her parents abandoned her..”    

“What a spoiled child.”

“Ewww, stay away from me….”

“Manipulative bi**”

“This is all your fault!”

I have always given in the efforts to redeem myself, but they were all main just seen as an unless waste of time.

“I’m not your friend anymore! How could you do such a thing?”

Wait- KI! Wha-what about you Miza, are you going to leave me too?, I asked. Deliberately. 

She looked at me sadly but she said nothing “...........”, as she just walked alongside her other friend.

I was always the one left out. It wasn’t my fault, was it?

I had to transfer to many different schools after then. 

“Ugh, isn’t that disgusting woman her mother?”

“Why would you raise such a slut?”

It always ended terribly. 

Tears were wiped with sleeves. I weep.

So then...

9/16/1990

Mother became even more so tired of all this as each day passed by. She dressed up, packed up. Slammed the door on me.

Unknown: “Wait! What about-!”

She left me…...

 “I don’t need her anymore, I should’ve never given birth to you.”

“Don’t leave me, I promise I will do all my chores, I would never cause you any more trouble ever again, please mother!”, I layed on the floor, begging.

But, that was the last sentence mother said to me, the last she spoke to me, the last time I saw her.

“Ojii-san, Do you think it's my fault?”

Unknown: “It’s going to be okay, Hika, come with me.”

….

Years passed then, it was hard to believe. 

“Hika, breakfast is ready!” “Coming Okaa-  Ojii-san!”

“What a weird grandchild I have.”   “hahaha, Ojii-san that’s mean!”  “Come eat, child.”

“Itadakimasu!”   If you couldn’t tell already, living with my uncle was nice and comforting, for once.

“Okay, I’m off, see you Ojii-san!”

It was only us two that lived together now after dad had left us and mother had disappeared off to somewhere. Ojii-san was the only person I have now, although he is growing quite old as days pass by.

Thing was, we are tight on money. Ojii-san tries his best to reassure me and tells me to just focus on my studies but I know about our financial problems.

The only other major reason why we had food left on our plate was that “Tomino” still exists, he protects me, this was part of our agreement. I thought for sure Tomino would get bored of me soon when I grew older, but he stayed and waited for the promise we made till the very end. It seems like Tomino never really ages and he just stays the same size every day even after years. Things just stayed the same. 

Tomino grants my wishes. But, that’s it….

….

11/7/1994

I walked between pebbles, between bridges, and on bridges. Tomino follows me wherever I go. It's like he’s a stalker, but I'm used to it. "I'm fine today, Tomino, how are you? You know, I know you're there..." "Yes, whatever you say.", he replied. He raised strange doubts when I was a child, but I loved him. It was my friend after all. He was the only person who knew me well. Tomino seems to look old these days, but not so deeply.He still seems to have stayed the same even after years.

As my walk almost reached my destination, I was in the middle of walking passed the archway of the two buildings as a shortcut followed by my upperclassmen.

"Ah, isn't that Hika Normanashi?"

Please, keep in mind that……..Nobody really knows my surname. It was a secret because of family issues. Tomino also knows. And since then I haven't trusted enough people to tell them anything. It wasn’t particularly very nice to see someone expose my surname.

I felt a hand grabbed me by my wrist as they proceeded to push me against the wall as the dude kept mocking my body.

Girl 2: "Hey, knucklehead! This is it! I brought over her here."

Unknown: “This little one doesn’t seem to scream much so it’s fine boss.”

As they threw me onto the ground below them, Grabbing me and pushing my head against the wall.

"S-STOP IT! RELEASE ME!"

Girl 1: "Hey, so what are you going to do? Get your boyfriend to protect you or something?"

“……… ..!”

"Wait! Tomino, don't!"

Soon, the blood of two young girls spilled under me, on the concrete under my feet. I was soaked in blood. The young man looked at me in shock of fear as if I were the murderer.

"Y-YOU MONSTER!", he screamed.

I looked down at my bloody shaking hands. The knife Tomino has given me…...

The young man tried to resist me as much as possible, but Tomino also fled before him and overwhelmed over him. I knew exactly what Tomino wanted me to do. Through the man’s eyes, I could see what it felt like to die, the terror. "Sorry, but you’ll have to die for me, it'll be fast, I promise." I closed my eyes. I took a breath. I wondered how just how many more people do I need to kill? There was no point in arguing with Tomino. This is his identity. I’m sorry Ojii-san………. The next thing I saw when I opened my eyes were two stranded dead bodies tied onto the tracks, two trains which ran at full speed in seconds over them. The man's body was specially cutaway where the organs were visible, but Tomino did not kill him yet. It can be said that Tomino threw him most. I knew about this, the way this guy died was exactly the same as a few years ago. "........ First, a small lead ball creates a large, deep bruise and breaks on subsequent hits. Finally, the skin on the back hangs on a long ribbon and the entire area If the prisoner determines that the prisoner is dying, an unrecognizable chunk, the strike will be stopped. "

I know I'm a murderer ... my feet move suddenly. But in the wrong direction. I could not stop sitting on my lap on the lawn and staring at the dead man.

His face stared at me and wanted to return, in hopes of revenge, I knew deeply.

But, Tomino doesn’t. 

No matter how many following attempts there were, Tomino always got away with it, dragging me along. When the news of these three students was blankly announced, the whole classroom began to place the blame on me. No one dared to approach me after that. I was invisible. It was an inevitable fate.

I couldn’t bring myself to believe my fate.

I couldn’t bring myself to believe Tomino was so cruel. 

I couldn’t bring myself to bear this anymore. I only have hidden the truth. I knew what he meant, by those silent words.

I planned my defeat. If order to win, 

You must lose. 

To bring illusion to reality, how do you do that exactly?

How can you eliminate something you loved so much in the world?

Without a doubt, I am always attached to Tomino, I believed there was always loyalty that has existed between us.   

Tomino made me feel emotions, of all kinds. 

The emotion of being valued, the emotion of being appreciated, and emotions of hatred. 

It was only that I could never tell what his objective was, nor who he was anymore. I cannot recognize him. I cannot be an attachment. I cannot be the one to ‘change’ him. We are like the strings of, the lines, the blinds between the lies. I cannot be there for him, I must stay away father always told me. 

“One day, he would ruin you. Do not be fooled easily, do not be influenced by terrible people easily. Keep that in mind, Hika. ”

…..

Friend, a person whom one knows, likes, or trusts. 

Was there ever trust that has enveloped in this relationship. 

“Let’s stay togeth-er forever, Tomino.”

smiles*

Hey…..., that warm smile you gave me just there…..

Was that a lie…. Or was that the truth? 

Was it a sad one or was that a happy one?

Call me an idiot, although I always have the ability to read people’s expressions…..

 I could never tell Tomino’s. 

I have never thought this day would come. 

I have always thought, it was the truth. 

How could he speak so falsely?

What did you mean exactly? 

….

12/24/1995

“I’ve grown tired of you, Tomino.” , I’ve had enough.

“Kill me, how are you going to kill me?” Tomino mocked me.

” I’m sorry, Tomino.” 

And within that, the only thing that can convince us of their love for each other is the truth. 

“I cannot ever get rid of you until I die, right? I wish you the best in the afterlife ...really.”

5/22/1985

I remembered the day we met, 

The garden was so beautiful, the pond filled with koi fish were so lovely, the flowers were all so pretty, the bridge above it was so clean, but it was all so lonely. I sat there walking and running around playing by myself until I grew tired. Where you came into existence ever since. Then, we would always be together. Where he was always quiet and kept to himself, but I didn’t mind.

 “Ne-ne! Tomoi-no!.....”  “Hi-ka!”(learned each other’s names) I wrote down both of our names and embraced it with a heart, the poor boy seemed so flustered for some reason. 

“Promise me that you would always stay by my side, never leave me, alright?” He seemed hesitant at first but then offered me his pinky.

 But that wasn’t the promise, Tomino hid the truth, he wanted much more. He just wanted to take my white soul.

Thank you for your company. Your kindness, no one can pretend. The flowers were never too strong to sustain itself, and the petals would eventually overtime fade out. The grass are cut away little by little by the humans because they hate how it was. The trees are brought down by the people in order to feed them. But, these were all often done without anything in return. I didn’t want to leave because I have faith in Tomino, but that would be selfish to say that, that was the only reason why I have lived. I wished I hadn’t agreed upon our promise.  I don’t want to stay, because it would mean I would still have to call Tomino a friend.

“I have more than once tried to deceive you, but you will feel that I am now speaking falsely,” Tomino said. 

 Tomino could never touch me because he isn’t real and because he cannot touch me, he cannot stop me. I wanted to cry, but nothing came out. 

 12/24/1995

I feel the breath of life taken away from me by the multitude. 

It was getting harder and harder to breathe as each second progresses. I have always tried to kill myself before. Standing at the edge….. I was a coward I could never face death. 

“Why? All you have to do is just to “jump”? It’ll all be over, right?”

  But, one day I found myself hung.. “I’m sorry.”

And then, everything just blacked out. The man in black disappeared, everything disappeared. There was no “Tomino”. There was just a little boy, all alone forced to carry out his duty.

“Goodbye ..old friend” 

“goodbye,'' he once said.

I could almost hear him saying in response...

12/25/1994

A woman in a black dress came to settle down a few white flowers as she prayed her hands together, she spoke only three words…..,

“I love you.”

….

And soon,

 a few more and more,

 flowers were placed.  

“Happy birthday, Hika.” , Tomino smiled.

“Here’s your present!”, as the young boy cheerfully places down a small box with a little teddy bear sitting on top. 

=//[For anyone confused]// “TOMINO” is her teddy bear, a stuffed animal^^

Well? Where’d do you think Hika has gotten her present from[Teddy Bear]?  

[eliasxxxx]

Healer Draco

Fandom: Harry Potter

Ship: Drarry

Words: 3k

Warnings: Talk of death, pure fluff

Draco can finally escape his family, finally be free. Now, he can live without the fears of being controlled or manipulated. He can truly be who he’s always wanted to be.

—

Harry is dead. Harry is dead, dead, dead. And it’s all Draco’s fault. If he hadn’t let the Death Eaters in, he would still be alive. He would still be living.

Tears slipped down Draco’s face as he thought the same thing over and over again. Hagrid held the boy in his arms, visibly shaking with sobs. Draco looked sympathetically at the man, wondering where his life had gone so wrong. Of course, he knew when it went from bad to worse. As soon as he took that Dark Mark, his life was painted with darkness.

“Draco, come here.” A voice hissed loudly on the opposite side, his father violently telling him to join them. Draco was torn, looking at Harry then the Dark Lord.

His footsteps were the only sound made as he crossed to his parents. He joined them, looking towards the Dark Lord with regret and guilt in the eyes. He felt the weight of those who had already died on his shoulders, everything they had fought for, everything Harry had fought for was for nothing.

“Ahh, Draco. Yes, yes.” He said, bringing him in for a hug. Draco simply stood there and waited for it to end. He just wanted this all to be over.

“Anyone else going to join?” Voldemort asked, looking at the other kids. Draco looked at them, noticing the betrayed looks heading his way. But he looked at the ground, the uneven rocks and burnt spots all around where he was standing. However, when he heard footsteps, Draco looked up immediately. Neville slowly limped forward, blood running down his face.

“Is this all we get?” The man laughed before looking at Neville with curiosity. Draco looked back at Weasley and Granger, who held each other’s hands. They were confused and worried as they looked on, both ready to fight some more. Ready to fight to their death.

“What is your name, boy?”

“My name is Neville Longbottom.” He said weakly, a determined look in his face.

“You show spirit, and bravery, and you come of noble stock. You will make a very valuable Death Eater. We need your kind, Neville Longbottom.” The Dark Lord mocked, snarling a little.

“I’ll join you when hell freezes over.” Neville suddenly says, a glare filling his face. The next seconds are a blur, one second Harry is dead then he’s out of Hagrid’s arms, running to the other side. But Draco knew what to do when he saw Harry was alive. He rushed forward, ignoring his parent’s hands reaching toward him. No one could stop him now.

“Harry!” He called, throwing the wand-his wand-towards him. Harry caught it in mid-air and turned around, yelling a spell at the Dark Lord. The battle had begun once more but Draco didn’t know what to do. He reached the other side and looked back at his mother, who had a look of sadness on her face. Yet, he could see she was secretly proud of him abandoning his father. Even if she couldn’t. Draco took a second to breathe, realizing what had just happened, what he did. Harry was alive.

Draco grinned for a moment, looking around him. Those who had just been looking defeated were ready to win this war again. Draco knew where he needed to be. The Hospital Wing.

Without thinking he left the fight and rushed into Hogwarts, his home for seven years, to find Madame Pomfrey. Perhaps all his obsessive studying would come in handy.

***

“Rennervate.” Draco muttered, using the wand that had been given to him. It was different but it would work for the time being. He just needed to focus on getting this man back to life.

“Rennervate.” He said again, louder. He took one glance at the redhead family around him, their tears falling. He knew that they had tried to save him, so many times. But maybe it was the feeling of guilt in him, or simply the feeling of determination, but it fueled him to try one more time. Just one more. Draco looked back at Fred Weasley.

“Rennervate!” He yelled, pointing the wand at his chest and forcing everything he had into it. Fred was not dying on his watch, never again would he lose someone. He couldn’t bear it. Eyes opened and tears fell as the family realized the son they had lost wasn’t dead after all. Draco got up and moved out of their way to the next patient, already so so drained.

Draco moved from patient to patient, some dead and some injured. So far he had counted 34 dead, which was 34 too many. He knew he wouldn’t be able to save them all yet the weight of each one was slowly crushing him as he checked everyone’s pulses. He gasped when he saw his old professor laying on the ground next to his wife, Draco’s relative. Draco rushed forward, ignoring their hands held tightly together. Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks lay beside each other. He knew Tonks wasn’t on the wall do his family, but he knew after this he wouldn’t be either.

“No, no, no.” Draco muttered, not feeling a pulse yet. He waited a little bit longer, trying so desperately to fins my hope of life. Draco’s fingers dig into Tonks’ wrist, finally feeling a weak pulse. Tears rushed down his face but he ran a diagnostics check on her, realizing she had been hit pretty hard in the head. Draco immediately started thinking of spells to help her, to save her. His wand sliced through the air with precise movements. He had practiced this many times, it wouldn’t fail him now. He stared at Tonks’ hair, which no longer held the vibrant pink color, instead washed out and seemingly lifeless. It made him try harder, his muscles aching and burning eight he strong movements. But finally, finally he could see it was working. He turned to Remus, noticing the green sparkles in the air around him, faint and only recognizable to someone who had studied this certain spell so many times before. It was the ‘Quasi Mortui’ spell, one that made the victim go to the brink of death, experiencing great pain and torture but not being to die for a while. Draco would have to tread carefully. He carefully said the counter curse. The curse was sometimes ineffective, instead sending the victim straight to their death. When nothing happened, Draco put his head in his hands. He had lost someone important to him who didn’t even know he was important to him. But slowly, ever so slowly, the green sparkles surrounding Professor Lupin began to pop, disappearing into thin air. He was waking. Draco let out a breath of relief before getting up while they slowly woke up, taking deep breaths. They didn’t need to know who had checked on them. Besides, Draco had to keep going.

***

“Draco?” Pansy asked, laying against some rock that held her up.

“A sharp piece of rubble fell on me when I was getting the first years out. Madame Pomfrey healed it but it’s slow-working.” She explained, motioning towards her shoulder. He put hands over his mouth, not quite believing it. She had been stabbed straight through the shoulder with a stupid piece of rubble. Her shoulder was bandaged but it had already bled through the bandage. He immediately got to work on fixing the bandage, not thinking twice. Pansy inhaled sharply but didn’t stop him, letting her best friend fix her shoulder.

“I’m so sorry, Pansy. You almost lost an arm.” He said when he was finished. Tears filled his eyes, sudden and unexpected. He let them fall to the ground, thinking of what he had done. “If I hadn’t let them into Hogwarts, Dumbledore would still be here. So would your arm. I’m so sorry.” He said, holding her hand but not looking her in the eyes. Who knew Draco Malfoy could have such human emotions?

“Draco, look at me.” She ordered, squeezing his hand. He looked at her piercing eyes, guilt in his own.

“This is anything but your fault. It’s the idiot who is a mass murderer and forced you to take that Dark Mark that is at fault.” She said, a sense of strength showing through.

“Alright, alright.” He said, patting her leg. He didn’t want to argue, even if he knew he should take some of the blame. Besides, even though he didn’t agree with it, Pansy’s speech helped calm him down.

“Now, go help the others. You didn’t read every single Healer book to be simply talking during this.” She lightly shoved him away, leaning back to find a comfortable position.

Draco nodded but didn’t head to where the others were. He headed outside instead, needing to know if the rumors were true. He needed to know if the man of his nightmares was gone for good. If he was gone for real this time.

***

Harry, Hermione, and Ron sat on the ground, tears in each of their eyes. Harry, upon seeing Draco, stood up and turned towards him. However Draco took one look at the boy with emerald green eyes and rushed towards him, hugging him unceremoniously. Harry hugged him back, not sure what was happening.

“Thank you. Thank you.” Draco muttered over and over again. Harry hugged Draco back even tighter, knowing that when he gave Harry that wand, he had lost his family.

“Harry?” Ron said uncertainly, looking at the two boys. Draco let go of Harry, clearing his throat. He nodded to the two of them, feeling the weight of his emotions weighing his down once more. It was like a pressure on his chest, making him unable to breath right.

“Thank you.” Draco whispered to Harry one last time before heading back into the castle. He rarely ever did anything impulsive but it seemed like today was one where it was needed.

***

FIVE YEARS LATER...

Draco looked at the uncertain student at the door of the Hospital Wing, looking scared and nervous.

“Hey, is everything okay?” Draco kneeled down to the first year’s height, smiling lightly. It was still quite unusual to be smiling constantly, but he was getting used to it. He was trying, that was what mattered.

“Professor Weasley sent me.” The child said, big eyes looking at Draco. He smiled as he looked down at the kid’s limp, the smoke dropping as Draco surveyed the way he was walking.

“Oh! Yes, Quidditch.” Draco nodded and led the student to one of the beds, setting the foot up on his lap to move it around. He found it better to do that so he could figure out exactly where the foot was injured. He ran a quick diagnostics check after and found the student had a fracture in one of his bones. Well now he knew where.

“Did you trip?” Draco asked, glancing over at Madame Pomfrey working with another student. He was on his own with this one, his healer instincts taking over as he brought out his wand.

“Right over my broom. I fell on my foot but I still landed on the ground because of a sharp pain.” The student said, pointing at the right leg.

“All right, well I can fix it right up. But it may hurt a little, Okay?” He asked, looking at the kid directly.

“Alright.” The student nodded. Draco pointed his wand at the foot and muttered the spell under his breath, satisfied when he heard a small click. The student cried out in pain, surprised with how much it hurt. Madame Pomfrey looked over by soon got back to tending to the other student who had gotten bit by one of Professor Weasley’s animals in Care Of Magical Creatures.

“I’m sorry, I know it hurt. In fact, why don’t you rest until dinner? That way you don’t have to worry about the pain and you get to skip the rest of Professor Weasley’s class.” Draco winked, watching the kid nod with a small grin. Draco went over to Madame Pomfrey.

“I’ll talk to Professor Weasley.” He said under his breath, watching her nod. He always gave a stern talking-to to those who let their students they injured. Most times it was accidents, but it didn’t hurt to yell at them a little.

Draco walked out of the wing and headed outside, putting his wand in his pocket. He looked around, the trees a beautiful green and the grass reflecting the sun. It was incredibly peaceful.

“Weasley!” Draco yelled, catching the redhead’s attention. Ron stopped talking to Harry, looking at Draco with a small sigh.

“Look, the kid tripped! You can’t blame me for that.”

“Next time, keep a closer eye on the students.” Draco simply said, glaring at Ron. Draco may be shorter but he was still pretty intimidating when he needed to be.

“Hello Draco.” Harry said, smiling at the blonde.

“Hey Harry. How’s Defense Against the Dark Arts going?” Draco looked over at him with a smile. He hated getting kids from Harry’s class but was glad there were few to none.

“Great! Haven’t had too much trouble with anyone yet.”

“Probably cause they are all scared of you.” A voice said from behind Draco, sarcastic but familiar.

“Hello Hermione.” Draco looked at the bushy-haired woman, trying not to let his eyes travel down to the baby bump at her stomach. She had yelled at him last time just cause he glanced at it.

“Hey Draco, Ron, Harry.”

“Wait, what did you mean my students are scared of me?” Harry asked worriedly, kind of slow to the conversation.

“You’re the hero of the Wizarding World and shit, what do you expect?” She sassed back, hand on her hip.

“I never thought of that.” Harry looked aghast, running his hands through his already messy hair. Draco rolled his eyes, wondering how he could possibly not realize. It was his second year teaching already and yet he had no clue that he was that famous.

“I’m sure they’re not too afraid, don’t worry. I haven’t heard from any of them that you’re scary.” Draco tried to support without invoking the wrath of Hermione. Ever since she became pregnant, she was easily angered.

“Whatever. Anyway, Pansy wants to throw a Baby Shower for our baby. She keeps complaining that it isn’t gay enough so if everything is fucking rainbow when you get there, don’t blame me. Oh right, you guys are invited.” She said, glancing at each of them with a bored look. “It’s tomorrow night at 5, our house.” She finished before walking off. More like waddling off, but still.

“I’d be afraid to miss that Baby Shower.” Ron muttered, looking at his ex with a worried look in his eyes. Draco snorted, agreeing fully. Pansy wasn’t as scary but she could definitely get up there with her way with words. She could talk trash about you until you drop form just that.

“Well I’m sure your boyfriend would appreciate if you brought him along. He could be moral support.” Harry suggests, looking at his best friend.

“I wish. Viktor is practicing all this week with the big quidditch game coming up.” Ron sighed. Draco rolled his eyes, thinking he was acting a little pathetic here.

“Great, now I’ve got to figure out what to give her for the Baby Shower.” Draco grumbled, realization crossing his face. Ron shrugged, not really thinking about it. “Anyway, I’ve got to talk to the other Weasley.” Draco waved a little and headed towards the Care of Magical Creatures class area for Charlie.

“Hey, I’ll come with.” Harry said, catching up with Draco. They walked in silence for a moment but Harry interrupted it, blurting out a statement that made Draco stop.

“I know you saved Fred, Sirius, Remus, and Tonks.” Harry stopped too, looking down at Draco. Draco felt he guilt come back with a vengeance. Five years since it happened and Harry just now he figured out. It was a miracle really.

“I didn’t save them.” He muttered, not really wanting to talk about it. He saved them because they needed to be saved, it wasn’t some big deal. He had gotten everyone into the mess and he had gotten some of them out, even if they had scared and bruises.

“Yes, you did. Pansy saw what happened.” Harry said, taking a step closer.

“Well she doesn’t know what she ‘s talking about. I was merely doing my job.” Draco said, suddenly finding his feet very interesting. He didn’t want to talk about what happened in the war. He didn’t want to talk about the people he’d lost, the people he’d saved. He wanted to forget about it. However the nightmares never let the memories go, flashing with blood and the terror of the victims of the Dark Lord.

“Draco, Draco?” Harry asked, bringing him out of his daze. Draco’s head snapped up, his eyes a bit blurry.

“Sorry, Yeah?”

“I was thanking you.” Harry said, looking Draco in the eye. He gulped, not liking the direct eye contact,

“You don’t need to do that, Harry. I told you-“ Draco said, frowning.

“Yes, yes I do.” Harry interrupted. He moved forward, giving Draco a quickly peck on his lips Harry straightened back up, looking down at Draco. “Thanks Draco.” Harry simply said, scratching the back of his neck before moving back to talk talk with Ron.

“...okay then.” Draco said, standing there for a second. He looked over at Harry who had only moved a step away. Draco debates it for only a moment. He had been trying to be more impulsive and less calculative all year. So Draco stepped forward, grabbing Harry’s shoulder and turning him around, ignoring Harry’s surprise and kissing him fully on the lips, holding the back on Harry’s head. Harry kissed back after a moment, his hands on his waist. Draco’s hands slipped up to his hair, entangling his fingers in Harry’s lock’s.

“Get a room!” Hermione shouted from far away, making them break apart with surprise. “You owe me five galleons, Ron!” She shouted, making them groan and step apart, glaring at the two.

“Well then, that caught me off guard.” Harry said, raising his eyebrows. Draco smiler, a real true smile. He didn’t have to think about he smile, he just did it. And maybe that’s why Draco spoke without thinking, maybe that’s why Draco took a leap without thought.

“Will you be my boyfriend?”

*Spoiler alert: he says yes.*

***

Bonus:

“And do you, Draco Malfoy, take Harry Potter to be your lawfully wedded husband?” Mr. Weasley asked, reading out of his book. He was extremely fascinated by the way muggle did their weddings.

“I do.” Draco stated, looking into Harry’s emerald eyes. He’d never wanted to kiss Harry so bad. He was enraptured by his soon-to-be husband’s eyes to realize what Mr. Weasley was saying.

“Then you may kiss your groom.” He stayed, losing the book as Draco rushed forward, the kiss full of longing and hope. Harry laughed, breaking away from him. Harry cradled Draco’s face, so incredibly happy.

“I love you Mr. Draco Potter.” Harry said, giving him another kiss. Cheers and claps came from all around them but they didn’t care.

“I love you too.” Draco grinned before kissing Harry for the third time in the last couple of minutes, so excited to be this man’s husband.