#or else my eating disorder will take over my whole brain

[scooplery]

i've also eaten elk, moose, alligator and ostrich. i like meat lol

[thatstheproblemwithnapkinman]

"adhd isn't a disability"

breaks down over trying to start tasks until he deadline is stupidly close

unable to do basic chores unless it's like 4am and then the whole damn house gets cleaned

speaks too fast

tangent and tangent and tangent. makes social situations hard

literally unable to stop themselves from interrupting people mid sentence (and the constant "*interrupts*- sorry, please continue")

knows what they want to say, cannot find the words, even if it's something basic

auditory processing disorder (pretty common with adhd), like how do you explain that you can hear but your brain has minecraft server lag and the chat will appear soon

hyperfixations, and people thinking they are special interests when they are not (they are short term, literally stops you from basic care like eating and drinking when in) edit: it was brought to my attention this comes across like special interests are easier to live with which is not the case, please do not take that away from this post!!!

impulse purchases making bank accounts cry

all or nothing. not hungry to pain. don't need to pee until pain. you get the picture

cannot sit still, like actually can't, constant moving and shuffling which people think would be cute but actually just pisses people off

doesn't have a fidget toy, not bc they are popular but bc they would have to put it away bc dylan over there got a fidget spinner and has been loudly playing with it (dylan is neurotypical)

cannot do anything if there is something else to do that day, must wait

just stfu it is a disability

[tea-and-secrets]

would it be ok to ask that this one is posted soon? i could use reassurance about it if thats alright? things are just... really hard.

im trying to come to terms with the fact that im going to be disabled for the rest of my life. i accept that im disabled *now,* but i have a degenerative disease, its not going to just stop being there. its going to keep getting worse slowly over time.

its especially hard because... even now i cant do my favorite hobby, rockhounding, because i cant bend without risking falling, i cant get on the ground to pick things up and/or dig because i wouldnt be able to get up on my own, and i cant navigate most off-road areas where the rocks im interested in are most often found.

i also desperately want to be a geologist. but i wanted more than anything to be doing fieldwork, like going out and taking samples from various areas, making maps of what could be found where based on my samples... that sort of thing. but ill never be able to do it and i have to come to terms with that.

it will get bad enough that i will need a wheelchair at some point in my life too. like, at some point within the next five to ten years.

ill also never be able to pick people up again. my whole life ive prided myself in picking people i love up during hugs, spinning them around, that sort of thing. i especially loved picking up my best friend.

they understand that i cant do that anymore and theyve never expressed sadness over it, but i cant help but think about how delighted theyve always been about me picking them up and spinning or wiggling them during hugs, and how they used to ask multiple times each hangout to be picked up and hugged.

and even if they arent upset about it, *i* am. i want to be able to do what i used to be able to. but i cant. and i never will again.

its just hard, knowing ill never be able to reach my dream career, continue my favorite outdoor hobby, continue giving love to my friends in the ways i like to... theres so much i can no longer do, and so much ill never be able to do again.

its just really hard. i dont want to be this way. but i am and i always will be, and it will get worse even if i do things like meds and physical therapy. those would just delay the collapse of my disease.

im just sad. i dont want to have to come to terms with it. but i have to or else im setting myself up for even more grief.

and its all because my mom wouldnt get me treated when i was injured in my teenage years. that injury going untreated for so long is what caused my degenerative disease to start so early. my mom has it too but she didnt start developing it until her fourties.

and then for years after my injury when talking about my back pain she just kept saying it was because im fat and that it would stop hurting if i lost weight.

which of course sparked the eating disorder i had previously recovered from.

which ive been struggling with now again for years because of that. but i was getting better again.

until now. because my body hurts too bad to get out of bed often enough to eat a healthy amount so im rapidly losing weight and my brain is saying i have to keep going and going.

and, the wheelchair thing... all my friends live and are going to live places with a lot of stairs. and *i* live somewhere with a lot of stairs too. and the doorframes in all these places arent wide enough for a wheelchair, nor are the bathrooms large enough.

its just all so hard to think about. i hate it. i want to get better and heal like a normal person would, not be in pain constantly and get worse like my body is going to.

thank you for listening. sorry for how long this is.

if i could get reassurance in tags or replies that would be really nice. this is all just so hard and i only have a few people i can confide in about it.

<3

[sephirthoughts]

Hi! I hope you had a good day today.

For the ask game, what are your thoughts on 5 and 9 for Sephiroth?

I did, thank you! I hope you had a good day, too!

ON TO THE BURNING QUESTIONS

5. Sephiroth is such a wonderful layer-cake of pathologies, it's so fun to dissect the impacts on his personality. He is autistic-spectrum, hyper-intelligent, alienated, deeply insecure, and feels he has no 'place in the world'. Despite his insistence, under Jenova's influence, that he's the chosen one and meant to rule the world, he has rock-bottom self-esteem and almost no sense of self. He knows he's different but he has no idea who he is. Add being raised in a lab, horribly abused, and treated like a weapon rather than a person his whole life, and there's not a lot of Sephiroth left.

This would affect his living space in that it'd be generic, impersonal, highly functional, basically empty, serving its purpose as a place to rest, and nothing else. Has place to lie down, has place to shower, has place to dress=meets criteria. I doubt he'd notice if there were even blankets on the bed. It's a Sephiroth storage container, more than a living space. Which is terribly sad and now I am sad. BOOOO ME

Whether he's messy or not is another question. He honestly strikes me as someone who hates disorder if he ever thinks about it. The problem is, he does not think about it. He has executive function issues (see: his bout of manic hyperfocus in the archives, where he had books just strewn everywhere and didn't eat or sleep or bathe for days), and is generally unaware of anything pertaining to his own self-care, including messiness/dirtiness, unless they become a nuisance that disrupts his current fixation.

When he was being raised in the lab, he was a child, so there were people who cleaned, cooked, washed his clothing, etc., and in SOLDIER they definitely had people to take care of those kind of domestic things, so they could focus on training. Hence, he never learned to clean up after himself.

All of this wouldn't matter much, in a living situation with custodial services, but if left to his own devices, his combined lack of awareness, neglect of his own needs, and inexperience with such things would create a perfect storm. He'd forget to take the garbage out, never pick up after himself, not do the dishes, have takeout boxes everywhere, and have no idea that dusting, mopping, vacuuming, etc. even exist as concepts. I think his living space would be kind of awful. But he wouldn't notice.

That is, until Angeal comes over, has seven simultaneous brain aneurysms, leaves and returns with Zack and cleaning supplies, and they spend the next ten hours deep-cleaning the place, while Sephiroth insists it's not that bad.

9. This accords so nicely with number 5! Because he'd be a terrible roommate.

-He'd be quiet, courteous, and never have parties or eat your food, but he'd leave stupid long silver hairs all over everything (the less said about the bathroom shower drain the better), never clean up after himself, and act confused when asked to do so.

-He is definitely the type to always be forgetting his house key. Like, he may as well not have one.

-He leaves that stupid, ultra-sharp, nine-foot-long sword just LYING AROUND WHEREVER. Someone is going to lose a foot.

-He thinks he's a great cook and likes to share his talent with people, and he's too sweetly sincere and excited about it, so you can't bear to break his heart, and you wind up gritting your teeth and smiling through a plate of sticky, pasty, mushy pasta, with sauce made from frankly baffling ingredients (you put walnuts in the marinara? ohhhh...how…interesting. is this an anchovy?).

-He casually says absolutely horrible, emotionally devastating things, without realizing they're horrible. Example:

person: my mom was so forgetful, she always used to burn the garlic bread and she'd mix up my brother's lunch box and mine half the time

sephiroth: haha yeah, i know what you mean. on several occasions, Hojo forgot to send someone to change my IV, when he left me strapped to an exam table in the basement lab for multiple days, and i nearly died of dehydration and malnutrition

person:

sephiroth: parents, right?

-Lastly, Sephiroth absolutely never wears a shirt and in fact doesn't even own one. This is not an annoying habit, this is the habit that makes all the other ones worth putting up with.

[pekoeboo]

I haven't finished reading everything you've written about your characters, but I have two questions! What would their favorite food and/or snacks be and why? Is it something that's simply a matter of taste or does it hold a strong memory for them? It seems silly to ask but food can be very important to people, both the familiar and experimental.

And second question: Are there any biomes that your characters have found they love? (Real, minecraft, or original.) Traveling all over and seeing different places means your OC's probably have firsthand opinions, good and bad. ;)

ooooooh honestly I've thought about the food thing to an extent before! not so much on Antony's side of things for some reason, but definitely in regards to Khalan (and also kind of Aya by extension) ;o;

gonna also put this under a cut because boy howdy my responses tend to get so long hahaha xD

I know Antony's village has a heavy focus on apples as a main food product that has cultural and religious significance, so I do think that the smell and taste of apples is incredibly comforting and nostalgic for him. wine was also culturally-significant for his village, and Antony has a pretty refined palate in that regard as well. as far as specific foods go, though, I'm not entirely sure what he prefers yet. I'll have to give it some thought.

a bit of a trigger warning I suppose, but Khalan has... a complicated relationship with food. probably bordering on the lines of an eating disorder, if I'm being honest. he sees it as something that he has to "earn," because of how his dad would withhold food from him sometimes as punishment, so the idea of just. being Allowed to eat anything he wants whenever he wants is something that's really difficult for him to learn over time. he'll usually deny himself food if he feels he deserves it for whatever reason and feels incredibly guilty over the idea of enjoying it.

but there are some things he really does like, if he allows himself to. for one, he finds fresh bread to be comforting and versatile - he grew up farming wheat so he's used to the whole process of turning it into bread. it's one of those foods for him that makes him feel "safe" in a way, because it's familiar (it's also Aya's favorite, according to @cookieg122 ;u;). coffee is something else he enjoys, typically with cardamom and cinnamon ;o; he tends to like warm, savory, or spiced foods, but as far as sweets are concerned, he genuinely loves pumpkin pie the most - which is something he got to try for the first time at a tavern in Drehmal and immediately fell in love with it <3

ah! the traveling question!!! that one's a really exciting concept because all three characters (Khalan, Aya, and Antony) had never really left their places of origin until their respective story events take place. traveling was a huge culture shock for all of them, and they're constantly exploring new places, so they end up seeing SO many different biomes over time.

I'd say Khalan's personal favorite would be something like a temperate forest, especially within a mountainous region. he finds forests and rivers to be especially lovely, and the ability to scale a mountain to see so far into the distance from such an impossible height is incredibly thrilling for him... but it's also a location where he feels the most at peace during the day. he likes to catalogue what flora and fauna he comes across in a trail journal by drawing what he sees and describing it to the best of his ability (as I've done away with his cartography profession since it didn't fit as well anymore).

he's the kind of person who tends to consider most forms of nature to be beautiful and awe-inspiring, as it fills his creative mind with ideas and stories and poems and songs that he'll frantically write down whenever the inspiration hits. adventuring is difficult and dangerous, but looking back on his time in Drehmal, he only remembers the most romantic aspects of traveling because his brain blocked out a lot of the traumatic stuff.

however, his least favorite biome is definitely a frozen tundra. they were forced to camp out in a region like that before and he 100% ended up freezing to death a few times just to make sure that Aya was able to use whatever provisions they had so she could stay warm and survive;; not a fun time. another bad kind of area would be anything volcanic in nature, like the Hellcrags/Carmine within Drehmal.

Antony has a few he enjoys and hates, as well. his first impression of a different biome was the temperate sakura blossom grove that Khalan and Aya were staying in within Atria, as that was the first time he had ever traveled beyond his home village. but I don't really think he'd count that as a favorite location because being there was such a stressful and awful time for him, unfortunately. The Nether is obviously another location that has a lot of trauma attached to it for him, too.

as far as more positive experiences go, he's definitely most comfortable within a Mediterranean biome - since that's where he grew up - but he tends to enjoy warm, subtropical beaches and also finds a lot of beauty in the snowy northern mountains/taiga; two locations he only experienced within Bocca. temperature isn't exactly an issue for him after becoming a demigod (his body naturally regulates to adapt to whatever temperature he's in, meaning he's never uncomfortable unless we're talking extreme hot or cold), so he can enjoy a lot of environments without feeling the effects of the weather all that much. out of those two locations, however, I'd say he considers the snow to be the most magical - especially the day after a storm when it's all fluffy and sparkly in the morning sunlight ;o;

there's probably more that I'm missing tho but that's about all I can think of to cover those questions!! thank you so much for the ask, I genuinely appreciate the enthusiasm <33 take care! ;u;;

[painedpen]

Hi, i wanted to ask about your Mondo Oowada headcanons and platonic pairings :) i want to hear a rant, so dont worry about rambling

Okay so I’ve already answered an ask about my Mondo hcs, so now we’re gonna talk about my Kiyotaka hcs because he’s my second specialest little guy.

Fluff:

- Taka only really relaxes when he’s at home. He lets himself slouch and put his feet up while he works on a project. His manner of speech is much more casual when talking to his father. All around it’s the only time he can truly be peaceful.

- Takaaki’s grandfather came to the country from Spain, and thus the whole family is fluent in Spanish. This, of course, includes Taka. He speaks so fast it’s almost impossible to understand him when he’s speaking Spanish.

- His dad read somewhere that ear piercings could help soothe migraines, and decided to take Taka to get a couple for his birthday. Taka refuses to wear his ear cuffs anywhere outside the house, but he likes them because they make for good tactile and audio stims.

- Obviously autistic. Like c’mon.

- He is Very Normal about martial arts and weaponry. He researches extensively, and practices extensively as well. Because of this, he has a bizarrely wide knowledge of how to kill or seriously maim people.

- He actually spars with Sakura quite a bit. While he definitely can’t beat her, she enjoys that Taka is a bit more of a challenge than other people.

- Because of poverty and such, he was never able to afford good ingredients, so he only knows how to cook very basic dishes. He’s the best at making those basic dishes, though.

- You want ramen but don’t have the energy to make it yourself? Go to Taka, cause his ramen will have you meeting God so you can spiritually high five Her.

- You do have to specify not to put a crazy amount of spices in it though. He and his dad have so much spice tolerance it’s honestly concerning.

- He tries so hard to be well behaved, but growing up with Takaaki has had its side effects. Taka’s startle response is to excessively swear in Spanish. He’s mortified with himself every time.

- Honestly he’s so much more chill when he’s not in a professional environment. If you’re not at school or work he doesn’t give a shit if you swear or whatever. Just don’t do it in front of kids and he’s fine.

- Protesting king. Oh, it’s against the rules for people to wear their pride pins? Guess who’s walking down the halls wearing a rainbow flag as a cape? It’s Kiyotaka Ishimaru, motherfucker.

- Has probably been detained before due to involvement in protests. He’s always peaceful, but if the attending officers get a bit too eager, he’s gotta do what he’s gotta do.

- Can leap over an eight-foot-tall fence in a single bound, and will at the slightest hint of provocation.

- If he’s too focused on his work, the filter between his brain and mouth will forget to work. It’s honestly so entertaining because he’ll just say whatever comes to mind, no matter how insulting or rude it is.

Angst: (CW for Violence, Child Abuse, Scars, Eating Disorders)

- Okay here we fuckin go.

- Taka has more scars than anyone else in his class. Some are from his grandfather (more on that later), but most of them are from his grandfather’s enemies.

- As everyone has already guessed, Toranosuke wasn’t all that great to Taka. He would spend weekends babysitting sometimes, and would force Taka to study for days.

- He would lock Taka in his room and wouldn’t let him out until he decided that Taka had done enough. Sometimes Taka would go the whole weekend without any food.

- At one point, Taka tried to sneak out to get something to drink, but his grandfather caught him. Long story short, that’s how he got that huge scar on his shoulder.

- Taka dissociates while he studies now. He absorbs the information, but he’ll be mumbling to himself about “yes, sir… I’ll do better, sir… sorry sir…” even though no one else is in the room with him.

- This boy has had more pints of coffee than hours of sleep in his lifetime.

- He will mix black coffee and five hour energy and down the whole thing in under a minute. Everyone who knows him worries for his health.

- He obviously struggles with nightmares, so he’ll study or work out to avoid sleeping most nights. He normally stays awake until he collapses from exhaustion.

- Touch used to be a huge No for him. Even Takaaki could barely pat him on the shoulder for a long time. When Makoto first held his face, Taka started sobbing.

- Sometimes he’ll genuinely forget that people can be kind. When he sees someone doing something nice for him or others, it kinda knocks the breath out of him because “That’s so strange… I forgot people had the capacity for it…”

- Will straight up not eat for days. He got so used to being without food as a child that having three meals a day will actively make him sick.

- He does not trust teachers in the slightest. He’ll be respectful to them, but he’d rather bite off his own tongue than ask one for help.

- This is mainly because of his middle school days. Other students would beat him to a pulp, and the teachers would just stare at him, in a puddle of his own blood, and walk away.

- There was one teacher who did something worse than that, but I don’t feel comfortable going into details at this moment. Use your imagination, it’s probably as bad as you think.

Platonic Pairings:

Kiyotaka + Sayaka:

- I’m so smart for this just let me explain.

- Sayaka asked him to teach her how to do several Latin dances, and they’ve been best friends ever since.

- They really relate to each other in the sense that they both have had to work extremely hard in order to achieve their goals. They both believe that hard work can achieve anything.

- The entire idol group loves Taka, but Sayaka is the only one he sees everyday.

- He hangs out with the lot of them very often, and they help him loosen up a bit.

Kiyotaka + Aoi:

- This one is so obvious.

- Hina is Colombian, so she was ecstatic to find another Spanish speaker in her class. She constantly clowns on Kiyotaka’s accent though.

- They’re both so passionate about the things they care about it’s so cute to watch them interact.

- I think Taka is one of the only people that can keep up with Hina’s energy level consistently.

Kiyotaka + Kyoko:

- They are childhood friends.

- Think about it. Taka’s dad is a detective, so is Kyoko’s grandfather. Kyoko’s grandfather is too smart to fall for the whole “all Ishimaru’s are evil blegh!” thing.

- I’m saying they hung out when they were little. I’m right too.

- Taka helps Kyoko express her emotions more clearly while Kyoko helps Taka calm down and focus his mind.

Kiyotaka + Peko:

- Top tier sword bros.

- Taka saw Peko training one day and promptly decided that she was the coolest person to ever exist.

- Peko admires his true passion for the art of swordplay. He reminds her of herself when she was younger.

- I’m making Peko sound like an old woman here please excuse me.

- Taka admires her so much it’s so cute. He calls her Shishou until Peko asks him to stop. After that he sticks to Peko-Senpai.

Kiyotaka + Gonta:

- Sobbing crying throwing up punching the air.

- Gonta wants to be a gentleman and Taka is one of the best people to go to for lessons in etiquette.

- They are autistic together.

- Gonta calls Taka Senpai exactly one time. Taka starts crying cause he’s so honored. Gonta thinks he hurt Taka’s feelings. He never calls Taka Senpai again.

- Taka liked bugs as a kid, and still kinda does, so he and Gonta get along so well.

*Insert autism creature Yippee sound byte*

[olderthannetfic]

This got very long and i understand if you delete without reading.

Earlier this year, I decided that I wanted to spend less time on social media and more time writing and catching up on my book/show backlog. But for some reason any time I say something about wanting to focus on my hobbies I get push back from a friend as if that translates to me avoiding them (it's not. I talk to them on a daily basis but a lot of that is them sending me videos/tweets they want me to look at) I don't know how to explain that I don't want to waste my minute free time when I have hobbies I want to work on/indulge in.

They're in Fandom too so it's not as if they're confused at the concept. IDK how to put it, but it makes me feel discouraged that I feel like I'm expected to sit around waiting in case they want to chat and that if I say I'm working on something it's not important and I need to pay attention to them now but if I message them then I'm interrupting because they don't want to have to stop what they're doing to answer me. This leads to me doomscrolling Twitter because at any second they might want to talk so I feel like I can't do anything else because I struggle at multitasking. I can't text someone and watch something at the same time or whatever.

I don't know what to do about this because when I try to mention that I'm busy or working on something it gets ignored or turns into an argument. I am at the point where I dread my messenger going off.

I'm asking you and your followers for any tips because I am at my wit's end and you all have always been an understanding bunch.

I don't want to be a hermit but sometimes I need a couple of hours to write or read on my own. This is someone I have known for years who i know very well so it's not as simple as "take a break from Fandom and do your own thing" though I suppose that is what my goal was this year. Which makes it feel worse because for years we were really supportive of each other's interests/creative works and now it feels more like I'm meant to be supportive of them and not the other way around.

I know this was long, so thank you for even reading it. I appreciate even being able to vent safely.

As I read over this to make it as vague as possible it occurs to me there are multiple issues that just came pouring out. 😑 but. . .how do I get someone to understand I should have SOME time to do my own thing? I am starting to feel like they forgot I'm a separate person from them. They even get upset that I write fic for fandoms they aren't in and I am so very tired of feeling like I need to walk on eggshells.

--

"This got very long and i understand if you delete without reading."

This sounds very unlike me.

Re the situation, it sounds to me like these friends are either not very good friends in the first place or have backslid into "everyone exists to comfort me" due to pandemic stress or the like.

My dad calls things like writing "chunk work" where you need to work up to getting in the flow and you need uninterrupted focus. The opposite are all those petty little tasks that eat your whole day, like answering trivial business e-mails or doing the dishes.

Whether you have an attention disorder or executive function problems or no, most brains fundamentally have different modes and aren't good at doing things like creative writing without some uninterrupted time. This has very little to do with how much time you do or don't spend with friends and a lot to do with more consciously managing your day and your brain.

If these friends refuse to understand this or conflate it with taking a month off from friendship, that's a them problem, and you need new friends.

It's perfectly normal and fine to send a meme or a random discord PM to a friend and for them to respond hours later because they were busy.

It seems like there are actually 3 things going on here:

Your "friends" are pretending they don't understand how high-focus tasks work.

Your "friends" demand you be available at the drop of a hat in a way that is unrealistic and that ruins most people's schedules.

Your "friends" would consider it a massive imposition to be on-call for you in the same way but learn zero lessons about it being unreasonable in the other direction.

Possibly a fourth is that they have no intention of changing how they interact with social media, and they know that if you do, it signals the end of your routine interactions. And this might be true. I've lost friends, at least for a few years, when our internet use diverged.

But there's no way around it: if you don't want doomscrolling eating your time, you need to extract yourself from friend circles that interact heavily in real time on twitter. You need friends who write e-mails and wait for the response or who send a PM and are happy to come back to the conversation once you've answered.

[wanderlust-in-my-soul]

My weekly roundup CW 15

Well, I watch a lot during the week, as you all might know. I really want to write a little bit more about the stuff I watch, but time and work kind of get in my creative way. So I try to write down my thoughts after watching stuff to create a little weekly ranking in relation to the previous week on my, most of the times, quiet sundays (and because I love lists and this is a good excuse for me to create a new OneNote journal!).

The Promise is on hiatus, so it didn't make it on this week's list.

↑ 1. The Eighth Sense (Ep 5+6)

I love it. This series is so brilliantly good. What I especially like are those little gestures, like how excited JaeWon was when he called JiHyun and how he smiled when he told his therapist about him. The entire beach scene made me melt. What a wonderful love scene! Very aesthetically pleasing and realistic, because you can have fun with something like this and explore the other in a playful way, not everything has to be oversexualized. The series really does so much right here! The end of the episode on the other hand…I have read quite a few analyses about the next episodes and I guess we will suffer together with Jaewon, who will fall back into his old pattern and his old life to not cause more harm to the one he cares for the most and in the end harming himself, because he can't live the life he desperately wants; and we will suffer with Jihyun, who is in love and understands that Jaewon has some baggage, but is left alone in the end and is hurting and that will make my heart hurt very much and thinking about all this makes me tear up...

→ 2. Unintentional Love Story (Ep 9 +10/Final)

One of the best encounters with an ex took place this week. And Wonyoung kicked that guy's ass! In general, he has grown a lot over the episodes and has undergone a good character development. He has gained more confidence and seems more mature than he did at the beginning. I also found the phone call between Wonyoung and Taejoon a good solution to make Taejoon realize that it's not just Wonyoung who did something wrong and that the past can definitely get in the way. All the nicer that they end up watching the sunset together. I liked the series a lot.

☼ 3. Our Dining Table (Ep 2)

Yes, this won't be the most dramatic thing we're currently seeing, but that's just fine. It is a pleasant and calm balance in this rather hectic series environment. Everywhere they try to lure you in with more action, more suspense and drama, more trauma or more sex and here we have a young man overcoming his eating disorder and finding a family with the help of two brothers. It's nice and quiet and doesn't hurt anyone. I'm really looking forward to the next episode and can't wait to see what they will cook next and where their conversations will take them.

↑ 4. Chains Of Heart (Ep 9)

Okay, we now have a psychic on board who can see people's past by touching them…Nothing really surprises me anymore! But seriously, what an episode! Finally we have Mr. Lue/Din and Ken together! Even though Ken seems to be in denial that Mr. Lue is Din? I think he knows, but can't stand the thought of Din lying to him all this time. So Mr. Lue is supposed to make him forget what he knows and wow, he does! These two were really starving for both affection and passion. What else happened? The scene also made me forget what happened next. Hin is the older brother of Din…Wouldn't have thought that, I thought he is the younger one. And then he is also the brain-cell of the whole episode! I am very impressed, he seemed more like the simple-minded shadow of Yu. All in all, once again a very good episode.

↑ 5. A Boss And A Babe (Ep 7)

So Gun is just the best in this series.

How he came into Cher's room after the shower and just doesn't give a shit what others think and says goodbye with "I'll wait in bed." And Cher's friends…they already know something since the BBQ, but they happily ignore it away. That's another way of dealing with it. Some say that not much happens and the show has no real plot. Does something outstanding always have to happen? Aren't everyday problems and how to deal with them sometimes enough? Like the problems with the foster brother or overcoming a first love and discovering a new, different love. I really liked walking with Cher through his life this week.

☼ 6. Naked Dining (Ep 1)

What do you do when you want to relieve stress? I craft or watch series or listen to loud music. Our protagonist eats…naked. And feels free. Honestly, if it helps? Who am I to judge? He finds a letter in the mail from his grandmother, who has already passed away. She wrote the letter six months ago and put it into a program that sends mail at a chosen time. He visits the house to clean it up and relax a bit from the stressful world of work. There he meets Miki Mahiro, who has taken the grandmother on a culinary journey to discover the world in this way. And as fate would have it, he discovers that our protagonist likes to be naked while eating. The scene was hilarious!

↓ 7. Bed Friend (Ep 9)

I'm only watching now because it'll be over soon. The series started really strong, but somehow it lost me. The positive thing about this episode was that for once there was no drama and Uea could take a breath (okay, except maybe at the very beginning, but that's positive drama when the former abuser is arrested and the abusive mother is done with the world). And finally Uea came around and accepted King as his boyfriend. It was getting a bit exhausting to see King begging and at the end I was just confused what their status is now. The introduction to King's parents I found really charming, between door and hinge. So not the hit for me this week.

☼ 8. My Story (Ep 1)

There's so much going on that I've lost track of everything. But one guy is a cook and goes to Thailand to earn money and meets the future love of his life there. And another one takes in a young man in his dormitory, which the dean finds totally fine, also that they have to share the bed together and that's why he just gets put up there from school and you can already tell in episode one that the two of them are going to be exciting. They have definitely stolen the show for me.

→ 9. Tin Tem Jai (Ep 7)

Now why the hell did Park have this change of heart? It feels like yesterday he wanted to do everything to convince Tin that he doesn't like him and will never marry him, and suddenly they're sitting in the living room and he confesses to him, in the creepiest way possible, that he tried to think of him as just a brother, but the older Tin got, the prettier he got…What masterful mind-brain came up with this dialogue? And those random jumps in time and space, and why didn't Tin and Park talk to each other? And Park really only has three emotions…annoyed, tired or neutral…Nothing else comes across…I can't really feel his affection for Tin either. Anyway…Three more episodes and if this doesn't end with the wedding of the two, I'll throw hands.

→ 10. PastSenger (Ep 6)

Okay, they like each other. Everybody likes each other. I just can't see the chemistry between Plawan and Moodaeng. For me, there's nothing there and it feels a little too rushed how Plawan got over his crush on Bamee. Then Kiev and Bamee…just talk to each other! But no, argue. And by the way it's totally normal when your friends want to interfere in your life or at least worry! What kind of friends are they who just let him work in this place? I would have taken him in and looked for something more suitable…And Franc is suddenly not so bad after all and makes her laugh? Very fast and confusing changes that happened this week. And I'm not talking about the kisses…Except maybe you shouldn't have held the camera on them quite so long…Had to look away briefly at the drunken mouth on mouth placement…

[gust-jar-simulator]

This was supposed to be a cute little vampire themed drabble and then my brain went “what if you set it in Penumbra though”.

Quick and dirty premise of Penumbra: Dark has summoned himself some new minions to terrorize the Linked Universe boys with. The shadows from the Palace of the Four Sword.

This is ANGST consider yourself WARNED. It tiptoes close to topics like disordered eating and suicidal ideation. Take care of yourselves folks, because Vio sure isn’t.

Characters: Vio and Blue

Prompt: Like a Vampire- Catrien

~🌊🏔️🏰🏔️🌊~

“Why,” Blue hissed on icy breath, “are you low on magic, Vio?”

It was hard not to telegraph the tension in his body when Blue had him by the shoulder, grip firm as winter and twice as implacable. It was hard to say if they had blood anymore, but something thrummed between them like the charge before the lightning and wired Vio’s jaw shut.

“If you’re going to do stupid shit, at least have a fucking lie. What, did you fall down the stairs?” A step closer. It was never a problem, for one of them to be at another’s back- in some ways, one back belonged to all four, no matter what. Blue being behind him wasn’t a problem. Blue being colder than the dark wasn’t a problem, chill seeping from him to fan across the back of Vio’s neck like dragons’ smoke.

Individual fingers tightened in a slow ripple on Vio’s shoulder, and a breath that Blue didn’t need shook out on a tense, restrained sigh.

“Look at me.”

“Don’t be cruel.” He tilted his head, spoke over the way Blue’s hand bit like a shackle, and the words tasted like graveyard soil. “Should I flutter my lashes at you too, my hero?”

Impact- thrown back first against a wall with a fist in his shirt, knuckles bruising-firm and a knee digging coldly at his thigh, the too-close crackle of frozen wounds crunching and refreezing, water on his chest. Vio could fight him, headbutt and kidney punch and test if after a thousand years they all still have internal organs, but his head hurts and his hands won’t move and he knows he’s trying to forget so hard that he’s forgotten how to fight.

Living things fight. Vio’s just a bundle of regrets tied up in a curse, most nights.

…he could put a hand on Blue’s waist. It’s not pinned at all.

He could even kiss him, and stop being a person that way for a little while.

Vio opens his mouth and just… makes a noise. It might be pain. He might be tired. Blue’s pinning him to the bare stone bricks and the fist against his sternum is shaking.

“Vio,” Blue forces past a cracked throat and frozen lips, magic slithering across his skin with the shivering intensity that casts mirages in the desert until all Vio can hear are the frost-ferns crawling across a probably furrowed brow. “If you’re going to do stupid shit, at least cover it up.”

“I’m fine.” Barely any tone to it, hardly breathed.

“You’re low.”

Something like a grin twists at his cheek, as rusty and wrong as a dislocated shoulder. “Aren’t I always?”

A growl punches the air between them, and if Vio allows himself a flight of fancy he imagines frost-glitter scattering across his shirt. “That’s not what I meant and you know it.”

“Do I?”

“He,” Blue grits out, “will notice. Don’t tell me, I don’t fucking care, but are you trying to get yourself killed? Magic fuckery, or Dark-“

“Don’t,” and somehow Vio’s hand is on Blue’s hip, lips curling back to match the snarl on Blue’s breath, breathing in his cold and breathing out tomb dust, “say his name. Not here.” A slight squeeze, and it would be seductive if it wasn’t the most violent motion he could manage right now, weak and nerveless. “You know better.”

“I know better?” There’s a cracked noise that isn’t frozen wounds reopening, something wet and jagged, and Blue’s forehead drops onto Vio’s shoulder like everything else in this terrible place. He’s laughing, low and awful, and it shakes his whole body.

Blue’s grip on his shirt is weak and nerveless and Vio doesn’t move, thumb rubbing soft circles on a hip colder than death even through clothing.

They have all the time in the world, but they don’t have any at all. The sun will be rising. Dark will come to ask how their missions are going, with Red giggling on his arm. Green, stir-crazy and terse, will ask them if they need soldiers.

Vio’s low on magic and Blue’s body is cracked under the force of it twisting him into something more than dead. He can feel it, the same way he can feel the once-lush moss spotting his collarbone shrivel and dry. He has a brief, insane, and terribly human thought about whether or not Blue thinks he’s attractive, with his jaw covered in lichen like this. He’s repulsive for a lot of reasons- he’s never considered the textures someone might feel if they kissed him, the taste of clay on his lip.

It’s never been important. Or it was important, once, but only once. And now the four of them are shadows in a future they don’t recognize, under the gentle hospitality of a creature that feeds them poison.

“I don’t want to eat,” he says to the hallway, and Blue is lying to himself if this is a pin anymore.

The other presses against him, chest to chest like they could crawl inside eachother again, and Vio sighs out emotions he doesn’t want to recognize, thumb running over Blue’s hip because they’re both terrible at this, a crude mockery of aggression and a crude mockery of seduction meeting somewhere slightly more honest in the middle.

“I know,” murmurs one of the very few who could, “I know you don’t. But he’ll notice, and I- don’t want him to.”

Vio doesn’t know if he has an opinion on Dark noticing or not, anymore. It’s hard to feel much, sometimes, but… he can feel this. He knows, under everything, that everything he does is to prevent all of his teammates- the other three chambers of a four-chambered heart- from sounding like that.

He takes a deep breath like someone who wants to live. “I don’t want to eat, but I will. Come here.”

As if Blue could come any closer, but somehow he does- chest to chest and hands sliding down to tentatively hold Vio’s waist, awkward and unpracticed, the frost-ferns on his cheek catching at dying lichen and gilding them with winter. He tilts his head, and Vio feels the empty space there, like the air a step past a cliff.

“I can take it,” Blue breathes, because he can take anything for the other three chambers of his heart, and Vio bites down.

[1moreoffkeyanthem]

Will I be projecting this into a South Park fanfiction at some point probably very sorry in advance to either Kyle or maybe Tweek but tbh I gotta rant real quick about my supremely awful day

(Cut for both severe anxiety and possible eating problem triggers)

So like I act and stuff right. Low budget independent shorts, projects for the local film school, things of that nature. And I had a shoot today for a class that’s essentially focused on filming an 8 page script in 12 hours, teaches the students professionalism, all that.

I woke up anxious for reasons I couldn’t pinpoint, wore Kyle socks under my costume for powers, figured I’d be okay once I got into the swing of the shoot. I was not. There was this chunk of very specific scientific dialogue that I just COULD NOT get to come out in the right order, and what did my bitch ass brain do? Fucking spiraled with it. Which made talking harder, which made the “YOURE A FAILURE YOURE A FAILURE” internal dialogue worse, and it continued. And I had a goddamn panic attack on the soundstage.

I wound up shaking in the green room literally crying, someone had to go get my husband from the editing suite because they didn’t know what to do, I could HEAR the professor talking to his class about “when talent has emotional problems during production it’s important not to let them know they’re holding up the shoot”, and the worst part? This was less than an hour before we broke for lunch.

And I’ve vagued about this before, but I’m a recovered anorexic. About five years ago, I did the whole outpatient thing or whatever, was in therapy for a while for it, almost had to drop out of college for it, all that shit, and for the most part I consider myself to be fine now. But that mentality pops up every once in a while, and that shit is AWFUL.

The AD called for lunch, and my first fucking thought was “you don’t fucking deserve to eat you worthless piece of garbage”, and like NO BRUH TF?!? Having a goddamn stroke on set is literally no reason to punish yourself, like if anyone else was having a gnarly anxiety day I would absolutely be encouraging them to take it easy on themselves, hydrate and eat, whatever they need, so how fucked up is it that I couldn’t do that for myself. I did wind up having a slice of the college film student set staple that is little cesars cardboard ass pizza bc Opposite Actions, but it was a huge mental struggle.

It’s definitely worth noting that NO ONE was nasty to me about my breakdown, at least not to my face, even though I was completely fucked in the head afterwards for the remainder of the shoot. I’ve worked with a lot of these people before, they know me and know it was just a bad day, and one of the girls I worked art department with on a previous feature was script supervisor for this one, and she came into the green room and sat with me, stopped me from biting at my fingertips because I hadn’t realized I was making myself bleed, kept me from hyperventilating until my partner got there. The director got with his team to work out what footage they could get until I was more steady. The AD checked in constantly for the rest of the shoot. The other actor was incredibly sweet and shared anecdotes from his stage acting days to cheer me up whenever I’d get anxious over a missed word in a take. No one was a dick to me. At all.

Except myself.

I don’t like to consider myself mentally ill, despite the fact that I know there’s no shame in it; I’m diagnosed with anxiety and depression, plus the whole eating disorder thing, obsessive compulsive disorder, I’ve been told I should get evaluated for autism (tbh yeah probably) like yall I’m a fucking disaster. But no one, NO ONE will ever be as hard on me as I am on myself. Also, it was a student production the Friday before spring break. They cut shots and wrapped early because nobody wanted to be there.

If you can step back and put shit In perspective, it helps. Unfortunately I’m very bad at that.

Very sorry for the rant being a person is fucking stupid but at the end of the day I love helping people tell the stories they want to tell and also wearing south park socks under my 1950s scientist costume.

[thetwistedrope]

hi friend! how's your practice going nowadays? :)

uh, idk. probably to most folks, the answer would be that it isn't going haha. the summer is usually my more active time, as i have gotten into the habit of doing rites for set whenever it looks like a monsoon storm is heading our way. but this year there has been 0 monsoon anythings, due to the heat dome. while i still light incense on occasion, in general, i haven't done any real shrine work because of it. it bums me out that the one time of year when i can feel close to set is basically just. happening less and less due to climate change. and it sucks to watch the desert try and cope with the lack of water every summer.

most of my day to day stuff is centered on taking care of myself. i arguably started this in earnest at the end of my Year of Rites in 2018, and i probably take better care of myself now than i have at any previous point in my life (and i blame the YoR for getting started on that, since the whole "thing" towards the end was to get my disordered eating figured out). however, my functionality is still really hit and miss from whatever i got sick with in 2016. i have a lot of fatigue and the majority of my energy goes into working so that i can survive, and then fixing my house so i can leave eventually. there just isn't enough of my energy to go around for a whole lot else.

i see the divine more and more as my focus has become less and less about the gods, but also, it looks pretty boring and i've yet to translate it into something consumable, so.

i have been toying with getting back into writing again, but every time i try to put thoughts into words, my brain gets crunchy and all of the thoughts get condensed into crinkly paper. having enough ideas to write on that i think would actually be interesting combined with my mental congestion over sentence formulation means writing just hasn't happened. i miss writing, but my brain refuses to really, idk, get with it.

i've also considered doing more kemetic art, but motivation is low so i haven't gotten there. i've been toying with doing a burninatin' celebration this year (this, for all you newcomers) but i worry about biting off more than i can chew, and that's basically my entire life in a nutshell anymore: trying to make sure i don't bite off more than i can chew.

stuff. things.

[lyricfulloflight]

Sometimes I hate my brain.

I have been sick for a week (head cold I caught from my daughter), struggling with migraines since the summer that seem to be increasing in frequency and duration, and still living with depression/anxiety.

Today my brain has gone on the following tangents:

You will never be able to work consistently, you are clearly suffering from some horrible brain disorder

Let's look for a job somewhere else, uproot my whole family and move to a new city!

Can I just stop working? Maybe finish my in progress novel?

I am getting so fat from all my stress eating and I will never get back into running regularly again because I'm a lazy fuck

my face hurts from blowing my nose so much. I don't wanna work tomorrow (picture me as an adult sized whiny baby)

If I buy a cute dog I will feel better. My husband said no (we already have 2 dogs)

Mother nature needs to stop raining. I live in the north, it should be snowing. The rain is making everything worse

Even silly cute Christmas show is not really cheering me up. Sad.

Do I have a fever? Why am I so cold in my house? Take temperature: no fever. My sick brain is playing tricks on me

If I eat more fudge I will feel better. I will also be fatter, which will make me feel bad.

I am ridiculous and tired and sad and sick and my brain is being difficult today.

(that last one is just me trying to make my thinking more realistic and less over the top)

[luveline]

keeping up with me (this is a weird vent but it's not all doom and gloom or anything I'm just rambling cos I don't have anywhere else to say this lol) (pls don't read if it's gonna stress u out!!) tw suicidal discussion (I'm not suicidal, please don't worry) / disordered eating ment

im fighting shame off with a stick lately, im sad all the time and that doesn't make me gross. im really insecure about lots of stuff, and i feel guilt for becoming this overwhelmed because i feel like im being a bad daughter/sister/friend . i hate that being upset or just generally blue can come with so much baggage! and im constantly feeding myself positivity and it's a battle because lots of me feels disgusting but I know that it's okay to take time for myself, it's okay to want to be by myself, it's okay to want space

i know im not alone in these things, and that doesn't make me feel better or worse. I've gotten pretty good at just moving through like without the constant analysis of my feelings, but I do worry im being somebody who isn't redeemable.

beside my writing im really not confident that there's anything in me that is worth being interested in. and THAT is a whole new bag, because again as it usually goes my unhappy mood has come with a lack of motivation to write anything, which makes me feel useless like if I can't be good at the only thing I'm good at, then I'm not good at anything at all. NOT that I was even too good to begin with wh ich is my second bag — I feel super bad for my asks always being off but the "hate" lately has been relentless. I tend to just block and move on (or try, because it definitely has the power to stick in your brain) but i don't know if it's the same person over and over. t it has sapped any want to write that I had left in me. ever since that one I got about love bites I just haven't wanted to write for Eddie at all because I feel sooo stupid — and it isn't fair, bc the generous love I received for it outweighs the mean stuff by so much, but I just can't get to grips with it

it's nice though bc as I write this I'm like are you sure? is that actually what's upsetting you? and i honestly don't know. Everything feels off kilter in a way I can't work out, and it has for a little while. Which isn't to say I'm unhappy all the time, I'm not, I'm usually cheerful and ready to go, but idk ! I've been good at keeping up with everything besides eating, where I'm eating one meal a day and I honestly can't make myself eat more. I don't know why, it's not to lose weight it's just so embarrassing because its like I feel as though i don't deserve to eat properly

I feel like im constantly fighting myself and my logical brain with how I'm feeling. I know people don't resent me but I worry they should. I know I need to be eating properly but I can't make myself. I know it's okay to have writers block but if I'm not writing what worth do I actually have? The answer of course is a lot, my self worth isn't and never will be tied to what 'content' I'm able to create and i don't want to spread that narrative ever but it's still how I feel.

At the end of the day, none of this stuff actually matters. besides some hormone stuff my life hasn't felt this normal and in order in a long time. I can't work out what changed near the end of October to make me feel like this again. I miss writing but every time I try I just stop because it feels pointless. Its like I swapped chronic worrying in October for constant blues in November:( again though, I'm at such a crossroads cos it doesn't feel like a very urgent sadness and I'm not even passively suicidal as I had been in the summer, I'm just sad. I don't think that's a big deal. I'm frustrated at how it's affecting my everything else

[lolly-dolli]

I'm sending you this to make you talk about Beezy on your tumblr. Inflict him upon the internet for me, I love him, give me the clownboy

Oh no

Alright motherfucker, prepare to unleash the most normal of Azzy's adult siblings (well. Minus Levi but she still has terrible anxiety and DOES want to kill a man but it's only the one guy and everyone hates him)

Content warning for uuuh....I guess murder and cannibalism are the worst Beezy has in his backstory? He's not really all that fucked up over the antichrist bit mostly just relieved he has The Shakies from what species he is and on account of he has a brain disorder

Beatrice/Beelzebub (because his pa just renames all his kids, he reckons), is a Funny Little Guy who is pretty nice once you get past his unsettlingly sharp teeth (you're pretty sure he has more than one row somehow...?), tall, wiry frame and the whole...cannibalism part.

This is probably owed to the fact that, in his own words, "his ma raised him right."

Beezy was born the Prince of Gluttony in a cozy little encampment in the Great Smoky Mountains of North Carolina with a full he'd of baker-miller pink hair and a full set of teeth. His Ma is the matriarch of a family of pig farmers who, in the warmer months, enjoy hunting the...longer variety of pig, if you catch my drift; and his father, as far as he knows, was some stiff in a three-piece suit who was the one that got away. Literally!

She was apparently so impressed at this man's ability to navigate the woods at night despite his highly impractical attire and straight-up refusal to die that taunting turned to banter turned to flirting, and to her surprise, he accepted. The rest was history, including...whatever that kind of relationship was called was by morning. She said it wouldn't've worked out long-term, though, so no skin off her back.

Nine months later, Beezy came into the world, and his Ma was apparently so tired of waiting for a girl to name after her great-great-grandma that she just decided "y'know what? Everything about this kid is weird already and we ain't the sorta people t' judge. His name's Beatrice."

This would set the tone for the rest of Beezy's life.

Beezy's species technically doesn't have a name - what they're called tends to align with whatever local folklore they line up best with, because for the most part, they read as feral to other demons and any human unfortunate enough to walk into the territory of a hungry one.

Azzy would call him a Fae, but Beezy would probably prefer the term Rougarou, on account a' fairies only sometimes eat people, and that's what his family called them growing up.

He's actually the most socialized one of him known to demon society, and probably the most well-fed despite the number of ribs one can see through his skin.

His species has a notoriously high metabolism, meaning they tend to be opportunistic predators and take whatever they can get, and they simply have very little time to socialize--so little that most of their language is nonverbal, as they tend to be solitary and nomadic in lifestyle. Most are actually, contrary to popular belief, omnivorous, but gathering is a lot less quick than hunting.

Because Beezy has access to a regular supply of food, his status as a carnivore is more a choice than anything else. Azzy is working on changing that, though their other brother Andy have had more luck since fruit is at least sweet, and it's very hard to convince a nineteen year old that scurvy is something he can actually get outright rather than hiding vegetables in a smoothie.

He's a big fan of sweets.

His family ingrained in him the belief that it's important not to waste food (being as they live pretty off the grid), and he likes making "people sweets" with rendered fat and ligaments (don't accept candy from him unless you want to find out what gelatin made from a person tastes like).

He didn't meet his siblings until very recently, and was just kind of dropped into the Hellbound Antichrist Pile by his father in hopes of kickstarting the battle royale that is deciding an heir after being told he was going to come stay with him for a bit and meet his family.

Unluckily for Satan, the average Beezy-Azzy argument looks more like this than it does any sort of actual bloodbath.

Azzy is constantly playing 5D chess with anyone he doesn't fully trust (and sometimes even them too), and Beezy is actually pretty emotionally intelligent for a hick in clown makeup, so he thinks it's funniest to respond by Bugs Bunnying him about it.

Despite this, they genuinely do care about each other a lot, Azzy will just...never admit it outright. Instead he'll tell Beezy to stop nibbling the skin on his fingertips raw and make him wear a pair of gloves he made him which he made sure will match his outfit, so put on the gloves before you give yourself an infection, Beezy.

Beezy is like a human demon knifecat in teasingly saying that Azzy does love him.

He'll then proceed to very earnestly play devil's advocate against factory farming as a practice to piss Azzy off, and the cycle repeats. Such is life

[torque-witch]

While I’m grateful that I’m much better than I was last year, I’m back to having nightmares every 2-3 hours and it’s exhausting. Like yeah I would get them every once in a while before all of this went down, but it feels like my nervous system is fucked now permanently. Did SNRIs help with my abdominal pain? Yes. Does it really feel like my gastro was negligent about the possible brain chemistry side affects? Yes. This is actually hell and the only reason I’ve improved over the last year from literally being unable to eat or stand up without tachycardia is therapy. None of those doctors helped me at all, except for maybe the cardiologist who admitted my meds were first gen and more dangerous than everything that’s out now and they were causing my side affects.

“Being on low dose SNRIs for three years can’t affect your brain chemistry. Withdrawal doesn’t exist, especially not when you combine two of the same kind.”

WHAT. It’s been a YEAR. And I’m still not fully well. Why was I fine for 27 years until we introduced this med. At the very least I could have a different condition exacerbating these results. My cortisol levels were through the roof last year. That shits going to wreak havoc on the rest of my body and the endocrinologist was just like “well you take hormonal birth control so I don’t really care about your cortisol.”

Sir??? I’ve been on it for 8 years without panic attacks or a sleep disorder. It’s not the problem. We introduced something else. Norepinephrine. Adrenaline neurotransmitters?????

I know you’ve all heard it enough over the last year but honestly I am still traumatized. Therapy does really help. But doctors should also be finding the cause, not just slapping meds on everything without understanding the patient’s body first.

It’s like the whole prednisone thing. I was on it for too long and now my body won’t go back to the way it was before. I started developing fatty liver disease markers. I developed tremors during the last months. My specialist wasn’t concerned with keeping me on a regimen or checking in with my process and just let me keep taking it. When I got transferred to UPMC because she didn’t know how to taper me or deal with my withdrawal side affects. I HAD to ripped off of it within a week because my markers were too high. THATS WHY I was put on SNRIs in the first place. To counteract the pain that withdrawing from prednisone was causing me. My new doc said it resulted in severe IBS.

Prednisone is essentially synthetic cortisol. So it makes sense to put me on an SNRI to combat that loss. But that means that for about 4 years my body didn’t produce it naturally. So why anyone is surprised that I started developing hospital level tachy and panic attacks before even getting off of it, why would withdrawal rebound have been such an outlandish idea? My body was flashing all of the warning lights for a reason.

Medicine is great. But long term modulation of our natural processes means that without it, it has to relearn. Seems pretty obvious.

[innocencelives]

late night/early morning trauma episode-talking to myself diary TW

the liberating truth vs the indelible pain of knowing

ultra rough night. the day was fine, woke up painfully fatigued as always, tried to work on art and literally spent 3 hours messing w a project accomplishing not one thing-i actually reversed progress. noticed how anxious i was, hands shaking, heart beating, no reason at all.

ordered food after, even though i rlly rlly shouldnt bc im so fucking low on money this month but, as a friend once said, if thats the only way i can eat, i deserve food.

but it all spiraled the second i tried to go to sleep. did my routine-fix the sheets, close the curtains, close the window, 2 puffs of cbd, 2 hydroxizine pills, take all the night meds, cpap mask, then bra used as eye mask, then headphones playing jazz w my computer on my floor, phone charging w do not disturb on

immediately my mind went to trauma. recently ive tried to understand that my debilitating, life ruining sleep disorders might partially be bc of my cptsd, its not normal to be so terrified of sleeping. so i started to recount memories, feelings, thoughts in a stream of conciousness kind of way. saying every thought and feeling and memory the second they came to my brain, and led their way to next one.

an avalanche of childhood followed-all in the details. tiny things, random things, good or bad, feelings-good or bad. just allowing myself to jump from thing to thing with no pressure. i actually remember so much! i say before 9 i remember nothing, and thats sort of true, but it becomes unbelievably fragmented and scattered, ive struggled to compartmentalize or see any of it in a clear way. so much life, a whole life, an entire life. one that i avoid at all costs nowadays.

i saw it in many, many, random fleeting pieces-images, sometimes vague or blurry, bizarre specific feelings and moments. so much was so so normal, or at least innocuous. and other memories were like this dark, blurry underbelly peppered throughout-those “memories” if you can even call it that, are dream like.

they come in and out of focus, often with obscured pieces, missing heaps of context, sometimes the image or feeling felt like looking at a pile of puzzle pieces across a floor. the line between fact, feeling, and some kind of surreal dream state in those memories are quite permanently blurred. sometimes i had a word, and nothing else; a feeling, and nothing else; a few blurry polaroids with hardly any explanation. i didn’t force anything, i just let them come and go. i let myself become psychotic, innocent, furious, despondent, one after the other. i didnt contain myself, or filter myself, or lead myself any which way.

its not supremely abnormal to have a childhood that is almost entirely normal except for moments of intense, abrasive, shocking, perverse trauma. the mundane and the gruesome coalesce until neither really feel unique or special. its hard when i feel my body desperately trying to steer me away from some horrors. its also quite natural for a childs undeveloped mind to see disturbing experiences in a surreal lense. fairytales, nightmares, a child can dream fluidly so when they experience hell they try to contextualize it within a fantasy. its really hard to put into words. try to imagine someone took a memory of yours, removed tons of random bits of it, put it in a jar and furiously shook it up, dumped it all over the floor, took of your glasses and told you to recount it.

so many vacillating emotions… i feel such pain right now after this experience. my sexuality is so permanently disturbed. permanently tainted and built up in the image of my abuse. one moment i was proud to be a toy, the next i was heartbroken, the next i wanted to scream, the next i felt sexual attraction to my abuser. a whirlwind, a thought storm.

im understanding how i have this dissociative aspect with recalling my abuse. mostly i remember nothing, but sometimes im forced to remember everything. when i remember nothing i feel frustrated at this confusion and mystery, and when i remember everything i beg and plead to forget. the shock of my abuse destroys me. people have said to me, im remembering now, that sometimes ill tell them about an instance of abuse and then later ill say i dont remember anything. it comes out in the most bizarre ways-like cracks through a door, repairing itself as soon as i look. a song i wrote, a conversation i had, a feeling i relate to, an image glued in my brain with literally 0 context, a detail without anything around it.

theres parts of me that know. wow i feel so overwhelmed right now. god those images i started to face tonight. tiny tiny puzzle pieces i fit together-life ruining. i was thinking, why did i ever remember my abuse. why did i ever follow those breadcrumbs, sure i was broken before. but this, what was to come, seeing my life for the SVU episode it was, everything toppled and imploded. my whole life spiraled, everything fell apart, i lost any and all future i was walking towards

10 years ago. a decade, a whole decade. 10 years since my pretty little life broke into a million pieces. an angsty rebellious teenager, thats whatever. who cares. a teen dealing with sex abuse, then a homeless 18 year old, then a disabled mental patient, then a magnet for sexual trauma, then a homeless 22 year old, now a 26 year old-visibly, completely, totally disabled and rendered incapable of functioning normally. i really went from an angsty teen, to a pitiful cripple in a decade. a mental health cripple mostly-same dif.

the excruciating, stomach churning word on the tip of my tongue. the tip of my brain at all times. how, how can i wake up everyday knowing what happened to me? how can i forever be-a victim of incestous rape. those are the words. some of the words, glued to the insides of my brain, tattooed and etched and carved into my skin, indelible and perhaps fatal. im no longer liberated by that truth. or at least, right now im not. right now im punched in the guy by it. overwhelmed and screaming in pain from it. a truth. i dont have words. this life story sometimes feels avoidable, but it just wasnt. if i didnt understand it then, my life would have just collapsed at some other point.

this was my experience, this is my story, i wish with all my soul it could have turned out differently. i dont want to know anymore. i dont want this truth anymore. and here i am sitting with those words. a permanent mark, a permanent memory, an indelible scar, a life defining and life encompassing truth. and yet, and yet, not a death sentence. perhaps… not a terminal condition. perhaps, it is context, for all the places im sure to go. there is a future inside me. a future, a life, a beautiful beautiful life i can feel. im building it, im not broken. maybe i am broken, maybe i have lost a leg, but perhaps, i am a paralympian. perhaps, i am a paralympian.