Kidnapper: I have your partner.
Diluc: What? I don't have a partner...
Kidnapper: Then who just called me a lowlife bitch and spit in my face?
Diluc: Oh my god, you have Kaeya.
105 notes
·
View notes
Danny: Hey, I need you to be my boyfriend for a week.
Jason: What.
Danny: My parents are coming over and I've apparently accidentally talked about a partner more than once and only realized when they said they wanted to meet them.
Jason, currently still solidifying his power as a Crime Lord: Excuse me?
Danny: Let me get this out of the way, I do not consider you at all a person of romantical interest and a friend. But I need you to act as my partner for only a week until my parents go on their merry way over to my sister, okay?
Jason: Is there, quite literally, no one else to ask this?
Danny: You're my only friend who lives in Gotham, plus we share the same apartment.
Jason: That's almost sad.
Danny: You in?
Jason: Sure, why not.
===
Maddie: Danny, honey.
Danny: Yes mom?
Maddie: I don't mean to.... question, who you choose as your parent but. Well, me and your father was just wandering if he was a... [Maddie gestures with her hand] you know, one of those.
Danny, uncomprehendingly staring at his mother's hand: What.
Maddie: Oh dear, how do I bring this up. You know, one of those.
Danny: Mother I need more context.
Jack: If your boyfriend a crime lord!?
Maddie: Jack!
Jack: What? Beating around the bush wasn't helping!
Danny: Say WHAT?
===
Danny: Hey dude, thanks for helping with this even though you didn't need to!
Jason: No problem, I wasn't doing anything too [Crime Lord activities flash through his mind] important.
Danny: Can you believe my parents thought you were a crime lord though? Weird am I right?
Jason:
Danny: Jason. You are scaring me.
Jason: Haha, yea that's weird isn't it?
Danny: Jason.
Jason: Well, I have to leave now to attend to my totally real and totally not crime related job at the ice cream shop.
Danny: [Squints eyes]
Jason: [Internally sweating bullets]
Danny: Suuuuure, bring me back some ice cream though.
Jason: [Thumbs up and leaves]
4K notes
·
View notes
Jason: What is this??
Dick: it’s the flour and butter you asked me to buy?
Jason: No. No it’s not.
Dick: ye-
Jason: I asked for CAKE FLOUR and UNSALTED BUTTER.
Dick: but-
Jason: now am I just supposed to trust the salt content of this salted butter???? And this is BREAD FLOUR this has opposite qualities and PURPOSES! Does it look like I’m making bread to you??
Dick: I’m-
Alfred: it was a foolish decision to ask any of your siblings to purchase any sort of ingredients.
Dick: Hey!-
Jason: I know Alfie but you already do so much. I thought he could get two items without infecting it with WEAPONIZED INCOMPETENCE! *begins to fake sob into Alfred’s shoulder*
Dick: ???
Alfred: *patting Jason on the back reproachfully* A shame really… perhaps you should leave.
Dick: okay tragicwing I get it! I’m going back! Who taught you such dramatics?
Jason: You.
Dick: 😐… worst decision of my life.
2K notes
·
View notes