Digital leap of faith in myself
Two incidents fueled the start of this little blog, and it's probably a good start to write because, well, I need to start somewhere.
A friend of mine restarted their streams on twitch after a longer pause, and all of us joined. The chat was buzzing with love, inside jokes and a general joy for sharing this again. I like this person very much, and I'm grateful for the existence of streamer and let's play YouTuber in general, because I don't have the resources to play a lot of games myself and getting a view into the new Zelda game? Of course, I'm watching that.
I think I should add that I struggle with mental illness and especially emotional regulation, and the last days were a struggle. I'm tired, I'm easily irritated and my tummy hurt, but I was very brave about that. So when I sat at my desk, watching the stream and reading all those excited, love-filled messages in the chat, a wave of jealousy and envy overcame me. Because why am I not showered in attention and love? Why couldn't I continue to stream and gather an audience? Why am I sitting here being lost? You know, all the fun thoughts a hurt brain generates. Thoughts that are completely unfair because my friend didn't do anything to deserve that.
The second incident was me watching a theory video on YouTube today, because I am a sucker for those, and I listened to the conclusions and the arguments and I thought to myself why ain't I doing something like that? I've always been good at pattern and theme recognition, and to be honest, I always find something so analyze in any given media I'm consuming. So yes, why am I not indulging in this? Everyone on the internet has an opinion, so why not me.
So this is this attempt. Get all the silly thoughts out of my head and maybe even get people to read it and find like-minded silly people. That would be lovely.
What I will write about? Yeah, that's as much a surprise for me than it is for you. My podcast, shows, games and music habits are wild and diverse, so let's see what my brain decides on giving focus to.
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One Month
Brahms Heelshire x Reader
You had taken the nanny job for the Heelshires.
3 months with a doll, shouldn't be that hard to handle.
That was until you began to hear the house creak and groan
You were alone right?
You could swear your bed had a dip in it from someone else laying down.
You could have sworn you felt eyes on you 24/7.
There was a burning sensation in your face and tummy when you would get naked, feeling as if someone was watching carefully.
Upon the third week, things had finally settled. Just an old house you convinced yourself. You began to form a rhythm with brahms that worked for the both of you
Malcolm would come and bring groceries every week, but you never grew attached to him. Something was off, he was too nice.
Then it happened. The voice of a child began echoing down the halls.
What the hell?? Since when did this become a haunted house?
It happened first when you were in the bath, you knew you were sitting in there too long but you didn't think the doll brahms would become possessed??
It happens whenever you don't follow the rules, at first it was freaky but then you got used to it. It became the norm a month and a half in.
Then the letter arrived. The Heelshires were leaving their estate to you. What? You had to read it over several times.
You pondered over the idea of moving here. You didn't have family or friends really, perhaps a new chance at life was exactly what you needed.
Then it happened.
You were drying your hair in front of a mirror. You seen it. You KNEW you seen it. A porcelain face peering from behind the door frame.
A. Fucking. Face
A TALL FUCKING FACE
It disappeared as fast as you noticed it. What the hell.
Okay should you stay here? No. No way
You quickly pack your things up and began to leave.
But there was only one problem
The door was locked. And so was the other. And the other.
Panic begins to set in, you're running into the kitchen to grab a knife.
You can't breathe. The home feels so suffocating all of a sudden
Then you hear your voice in the same child tone. But this time it was right behind you.
What. The. Fuck
You turn around quickly, pointing your knife in the direction of the door.
And at the door, is a 6'3" man in the porcelain mask you seen earlier.
You scream, you scream and panic and run over the other side of the bed to create distance
Oh god
You're flailing the knife everywhere as the tall man carefully walks towards you with his palms up in the air facing you.
"Y/n calm down. It's me.. brahms"
You scream even louder, shaking all over
He walks up placing his hands on the bed directly opposite to yours. God he's huge. And hairy, wait what?
"I want to play a game."
"I- wha- hell no!!"
"Find the keys, within a month." He is ignoring you
"What happens if I don't."
"Then you're mine".
TBC
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