#possible cptsd

[tori-isss-dying]

tw huge trauma dump ab my family and childhood trauma (pls someone see this, i'm literally begging, oh my god i'm pathetic)

i never talk to my dad. we live in the same house, we're just both too awkward to talk ig, we only have conversations more than "bring those dishes downstairs" when there is anything to do with stranger things or cobra kai.

my mum is complicated. she's a complicated person. she's very passive aggressive a lot of the time. she advocates for me and my sisters at school and stuff and then will proceed to do things that i don't know if she realises are ableist. in primary school she used to make it so that we weren't allowed any sort of chocolate or anything unless it was the weekend and she was always talking about how much she wanted to do diets to be "healthy" and she'd work out to the point of exhaustion. she always throws herself in the deep end with everyone else and just expects to float but she's making us all drown. me and my sisters are all autistic. however back then we were all not aware of this so my older sister would have these massive meltdowns and my mum would just go off at her, acting like it was something she could help, she threw things at her sometimes, always yelling, never tried to comfort her or understand past the basic "are you ok?" and then when my sister couldn't respond "fine. don't answer. you clearly don't want my help anyway." like she took the meltdowns as an attack on her. my younger sister was always dead silent in public, completely mute never spoke in front of anyone besides family and the couple of friends she had. she was severely dyslexic and very behind in schoolwork. our school refused to do anything about it. so mum would spend hours looking through her old schoolwork to find evidence of something wrong. she never makes it feel like she cares about helping. she makes it seem like her life is significantly worse for our existence. if we ever try to talk to her about anything serious or not, something else is always more important. i'm doing housework. i'm watching tv. i remember taking my younger sister upstairs to play with toys because i could tell my mum and my older sisters arguing really really upset her. we'd play sylvanian families until it was over. if we ever try to tell her how she can improve anything no matter how small it's "so i'm a bad mum? you guys gang up on me to gaslight me into thinking i'm in the wrong." she's very bad at communicating. she just assumes we want an argument. she always turns into an entirely different person around other people. happy, smiley, extremely loving. that's not to say doesn't love us. she just never acts like it. she does physical things for us but makes us feel like we're a huge burden on her for even just being around her.

i am the glass child, even though i am disabled myself, i have always masked around everyone, even alone. i listen to my mums rants about how stressed and overwhelmed she is by looking after us. i listen to my older sisters rants about my mum. i am the only one who can decipher what my little sister means sometimes. i listen to her when wants to talk. i give advice. therapise them. wise beyond my years. was i that way naturally? or was i treating everyone how i wanted to be treated? i protect them and help them. i don't open up to them. why would i? they're busy watching tv and ironing while muttering passive aggressively under their breath. come to think of it, there were parental lock things on all my sisters' devices to stop them from seeing inappropriate shit, but there wasn't on mine. was i grown up enough to see adult things? i was 7. but oh well she's so responsible, it's like she's an old person stuck in a child's body. no one ever asked me how i felt. every time my mum asked for my opinion on any arguments if i agreed with my sister, not her, we were ganging up on her. "oh so everything's my fault?" "oh i guess i'm just the most abusive parent in the world". i was never taught how to wash my hair or body. one day my mum just stopped doing it for me. "you're old enough to do it yourself now, this is taking the piss." teach me then. "you're so good at looking after your sisters and mum aren't you?" i was 10. be good for other people. help other people. you are invisible unless they need something, you don't get an opinion. this was only re-enforced by the church i went to at the time (i am agnostic now) and girlguiding. the brownie rule or some shit was "a brownie guide puts others before herself". serve them. the people. get good grades, it's what your teachers and parents want. keep your room obsessively tidy, it's what your mum wants. chip away at your soul for everyone else.

my older sister once told me she thought i was selfish for all the people pleasing i did. "you only do it selfishly. you don't actually care about us." i told my mum about it and she said "well she's right, doing things for other people makes us happy too." they never expressed pride in me other than when i got good grades.

i am a ghost. i never got to form my own opinions that's why i don't have any. i'm not human. i never developed into one. i have never been anyone's priority. i never will be. no one will ever care.

writing this, i keep slipping into past tense as if i don't still live here but it just feels distant.

[archangeltwins]

i just want somebody to fucking believe me

[creekfiend]

GETS HIGH AND IDENTIFIES MY EMOTIONS

[kkoct-ik]

i dont remember why i drew this

[creating-wholeness]

Its a common cycle in my life.... anyone else?

I have a horrible feeling we are not alone in this... which is both appalling (in a big way) and beautiful (in a smaller, but still significant way) at the same time, if you think about it.

[thebeeshaveknees]

When they were in the war room (Trolls writing room) they had to think of four new trolls that could feasibly be Branch's brothers so they just took all four of his braincells and made them individual characters and I love them

[virtualhell]

I don’t like the everyone thinks they have autism these days narrative when it’s common knowledge women are severely under diagnosed and bpd is often over diagnosed

[syncstones]

people joke about poly red and his running gag of saying other people should live with him but nobody gets it how he's literally desperate to be in company because to our knowledge he's literally completely alone save for his pokemon in terms of familial connections so no wonder he wants to be with his friends all the time, he's literally suffering from extreme loneliness and that's why he's so willing to do anything that puts him in harms way if he can protect someone else because in his eyes they all have someone whose waiting for them but he doesn't.

[sushibearsstuff]

The moment you realize this disorder is chronic and will never go away..and you’ll have to be on meds forever for it to be somewhat manageable.

[badaziraphaletakes]

Hello! Was looking for something on my blog and found this post

https://www.tumblr.com/turquoisedata/730723784383987712/i-am-literally-crying-because-shit-thats-me

And I wondered if you'd seen it/posted anything along these lines before? (You might have and I might have just missed it because Tumblr hates me and doesn't show me loads of stuff I want to see 🙃)

(if you have you can just delete this!!!)

Hi!

We've touched briefly on the fact that Muriel is very Autistic-appearing (thank you so much for the reblog pointing that out, @phoen1xr0se ! You're the best!) and how that has made people misjudge them as shallow/childish/naive/etc, but as far as I can recall we've never done a post about their traumatized behaviors. I'm so glad this person has done that here!

Thank you so much for sharing this EXCELLENT meta! It definitely didn't make me tear up... ;)

[tori-isss-dying]

you know i feel so stupid but i genuinely fit the diagnostic criteria for like 8 mental illnesses

i feel like such a pick me like "i'm more ill than you" bitch, THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M SAYING

i just do, like i'm trying to force a realisation that i'm faking it but it ain't coming bc i'm not so ummm yay 😃

[theres-whump-in-that-nebula]

Interesting. Don’t necessarily think I’m autistic but I have more going on than just ADHD and I’m not sure what that is.

[anti-praxis-antihero]

Au that'll I'll never elaborate on because whimsy

1. Harvey as Jason's defense attorney despite him having no experience outside of being a prosecutor and no one being clear on whether he's been disbarred or not

2. Mary Grayson, former stunt woman, as childstar Jason's manager. She fucks up only slightly less than Bruce using him as a replacement for Dick but the bar is in hell for that. But it's ok because he's using her as a Catherine double. They're both replacements yeah!!!! 🥳🤸🏽‍♀️🍿🎬🥂🎉

Dick's not happy about it but his mom's happy... exploiting... this child. It should be me, her own child being exploited. Also like the hell mom?... Step mom Talia perhaps????

[creating-wholeness]

It's that time of the night again folks!

Click more for the skill

Nightmare Protocol

This can be used as a ritual before going to bed to help with recurring nightmares.

If you wake up during the night, you can use this to help with bringing yourself back into the present moment and grounding yourself.

I am going to awaken in the night feeling (Insert name of anticipated emotion, usually fear)

.......................................................................................................................................

And will be sensing in my body (Describe your anticipated bodily sensations: name at least three)

...............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Because I will be remembering (Name the trauma by title only-----no details)

..................................................................................................................................................................

At the same time, I am looking around where I am now in (The actual current year)

..................................................................................................................................................................

Here (Name the place where you will be)

..................................................................................................................................................................

And I will see (Describe some of the things you see right now in this place, at least 3)

............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

And so, I know (Name the trauma, by title only, again)

..................................................................................................................................................................

Is not happening now / anymore.

[willow-schmillow]

As I've healed and processed trauma, I've found it less and less useful to use any labels for alters, whether it's the "child/parent-like/centered" trichotomy that my therapist uses or community-made labels.

None of us are trauma-holders because we all know about at least some of the trauma, and we're all going to help each other through it. None of us are protectors, because we're all here to help each other but we're also all capable of coping with bad things. None of us are persecutors (a label I've never liked, anyway) because we're all going to be compassionate and understanding to our shortcomings.

Between me and my therapist, community-made labels aren't really on her radar so I don't use them. And we don't often talk about categorizing the parts, either. If I say to her, "there's a part that's self-sabotaging, struggling with suicidal thoughts and self-hatred, and they're doing destructive things because of it," that tells her a lot more than "I think I have a persecutor."

And - not to knock on the online community too hard - labeling an alter as a persecutor predisposes anyone online to view them in a way that tends not to be very charitable, and I would avoid setting up any part of me for failure like that. Facts over labels - "I have a self-destructive alter."

[nothing0fnothing]

There will be good days. They seem so far away right now, but they will come and they will be wonderful.

Will they make it all worth it? Probably not, but they don't have to. All that matters is that they will be there. That at first they'll be a break, and eventually, they'll come two in a row.

Once you get two in a row, it won't be too long till there's three in a row, four in a row, a whole week, two weeks and then, one day, there will be mostly good days.

One day you'll be able to have a bad day, and it just be a bad day. It doesn't make it worth it, but that's okay, it doesn't have to.