#possible dpdr

[tori-isss-dying]

you know i feel so stupid but i genuinely fit the diagnostic criteria for like 8 mental illnesses

i feel like such a pick me like "i'm more ill than you" bitch, THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M SAYING

i just do, like i'm trying to force a realisation that i'm faking it but it ain't coming bc i'm not so ummm yay 😃

[shardthefuckingwhajje]

the worst part of autism is the fact that you [might, not mandatory] relate to posts about [quite possibly] every other mental disorder under the sun but for completely different reasons than the disorder itself

e.g. "wow, i cant believe we both do that for completely different reasons"

[echidnana]

it's been so hard to have someone front properly lately and we hate it

[sorrelswirl]

we’re transdid n we’ve p much fully transitioned!

🍬 we’re out as a did system 2 our loved ones

🍬 we’re accepted as a system by others in da system community n even in specifically traumagenic/did communities

🍬 we use simplyplural to track switches

🍬 we have a DID DIAGNOSIS YIPPEE!!!!! transid euphoria overload 🩵💚💛🧡

🍬 we have switches, dissociation, amnesia, trauma flashbacks, dpdr, n all sorts of other did symptoms

in total it took us like 3 years 2 reach dis point!

we’re so happy w how far we’ve come!!! we’re happy 2 answer questions for any1 whose curious abt transition or our journey!! if u wanna transition 2 having did it’s totally possible, we promise!!!! u can do it!!!!! n we can help w any advice tips or our own experiences!!!!

[howlsofbloodhounds]

wait, im kinda confused now, doesn't osdd also develop from a trauma in childhood? Or am i missing something??

OSDD is not just the “plural disorder.” OSDD-1, the ones with alters and systems, does form from childhood trauma. OSDD is diagnosed when someone shows signs of a dissociative disorder, but does not meet criteria for an already existing dissociative disorder.

The main dissociative disorders are Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), Dissociative Amnesia, and Derealization Depersonalization Disorder (DPDR).

If one does not meet the criteria for those but shows signs of a dissociative disorder that significantly impacts their life and functioning, they can be diagnosed with OSDD; and usually the person will be given a reason as to why they were diagnosed with it, but not something else.

There’s technically 4 “types” of OSDD, but i remember that someone will not be diagnosed with “OSDD-1” or “OSDD-2.”

I feel it also important to mention that, according to the wiki, these are not actually types; they’re just examples of presentations that can be experienced or observed in those diagnosed with OSDD. There could be more and different examples of presentations possible with OSDD.

It is just all OSDD, and a reason will be specified. Taken directly from the wiki, “An example would be specifying "OSDD (dissociative trance)".”

Someone who shows signs of a dissociative disorder but doesn’t mean criteria for the ones above, and isn’t given a reason why, can be diagnosed with Unspecified Dissociative Disorder or UDD.

These guys can also potentially have alters and systems and the like, they just aren’t diagnosed with DID or OSDD either because of a lack of meeting criteria somehow, or more likely, because there’s a lack of sufficient time. Possibly other reasons as well.

Taken from the Wiki, these are the 4 descriptions of 4 example presentations that can be present in the “catch all” diagnosis of OSDD;

“Chronic and recurrent syndromes of mixed dissociative symptoms:

The DSM states, "This category includes identity disturbance associated with less-than-marked discontinuities in sense of self and agency, or alterations of identity or episodes of possession in an individual who reports no dissociative amnesia".

The ICD-11 describes this presentation as "Partial dissociative identity disorder".

(This is the one commonly referred to as OSDD-1/OSDD1, and OSDD-1A and OSDD-1B. Systems and alters, like DID, but not DID because they fail to meet a specific criteria to be diagnosed with DID. OSDD-1A and OSDD-1B are also community terms im sure, someone will not be diagnosed with these letters or terms or numbers.)

Identity disturbance due to prolonged and intense coercive persuasion:

The DSM gives the examples of "brainwashing, thought reform, programming, indoctrination while captive, torture, long-term political imprisonment, recruitment by sects/cults or by terror organizations." People with this presentation, as a result, may experience distressing changes to and/or questioning of their identity.

(This one is commonly called OSDD-2. A very well known but fictional example of this is the Winter Soldier/Bucky Barnes from the MCU and Peeta Mellark from the Hunger Games series, although neither are officially or canonically diagnosed.)

Acute dissociative reactions to stressful events:

This category is used for acute dissociative episodes which may last anywhere from a few hours to weeks, but typically less than a month. The dissociative conditions are characterised by "constriction of consciousness", including "depersonalization; derealization; perceptual disturbances (e.g., time slowing, macropsia); micro-amnesias; transient stupor; and/or alterations in sensory-motor functioning (e.g., analgesia, paralysis)."

(OSDD-3.)

Dissociative Trance:

This category represents a dissociative trance; "an acute narrowing or complete loss of awareness of immediate surroundings that manifests as profound unresponsiveness or insensitivity to environmental stimuli." The DSM specifies that "The dissociative trance is not a normal part of a broadly accepted collective cultural or religious practice".

In the ICD-11, this condition warrants a separate diagnosis of Trance disorder.”

(OSDD-4.)

So all in all, OSDD is simply a “catch all” diagnosis. Those diagnosed with it can have prolonged, childhood trauma—and those diagnosed with the first example presentation of OSDD typically and often do—but experiencing prolonged, childhood trauma is not a requirement or required thing to be diagnosed with OSDD.

“OSDD-2” is often even something that’s diagnosed due to extensive trauma, abuse, and manipulation experienced later in life as teenagers, young adults, adults, or even elderly.

One can experience this type of abuse as a child as well of course, but it’s not childhood specific.

Those who undergo the same type of abuse and trauma that those with “OSDD-2” (aka OSDD (Identity disturbance due to prolonged and intense coercive persuasion)) do, can instead be diagnosed with DID or “OSDD-1” (aka OSDD (Chronic and recurrent syndromes of mixed dissociative symptoms)) if they’re a system (because im pretty sure someone will not be diagnosed with two dissociative disorders, even if their experiences and symptoms match up or overlap with two), and not everyone who undergoes the abuse and trauma that those with OSDD-2 do will be diagnosed with OSDD-2 or any type of dissociative disorder.

For example, not every survivor of human trafficking or other forms of organized abuse develops a dissociative disorder or is diagnosed with OSDD-2, even if they experience some dissociative symptoms (likely as coping mechanisms, as opposed to the coercive and external, induced nature of dissociation in OSDD-2) and likely have PTSD/C-PTSD symptoms. Just the same as not every cult survivor is diagnosed with OSDD-2.

[nagichi-boop]

Sonic Disability Headcanons

This’ll be kinda long cuz I want to cover as many characters as possible and I want to include both mental and physical disorders. Spoilers but I made everyone neurodivergent.

Sonic — adhd, Tourettes; chondromalacia patella, chronic migraines (post Frontiers), narcolepsy type 2

Tails — autism, anxiety, cptsd, ocd, morsicatio buccarum (cheek biting); chronic migraines, arthritis (mostly in wrists)

Knuckles — autism, adhd; cfs/me (when away from Master Emerald)

Amy Rose — adhd, bpd; near-sightedness

Shadow — autism, ptsd, cptsd, bpd; unspecified chronic pain (caused by chaos energy, mostly affects knees), cfs/me, chronic migraines, insomnia

Rouge — autism; fibromyalgia, pcos, ibs

Omega — autism

Silver — autism, adhd, anxiety, schizophrenia, chronic motor tic disorder; asthma, pots, eds, fibromyalgia, insomnia

Blaze — autism, ocd, depression, trichotillomania (hair pulling); endometriosis, ibs, lactose intolerance

Cream — autism, anxiety, ptsd; celiac disease, epilepsy

Espio — autism, ocd, ptsd, dpdr; chronic migraines

Vector — autism, adhd; ankylosing spondylitis

Charmy Bee — adhd, dyslexia, dyspraxia, Tourettes; hard of hearing, asthma

Metal Sonic — autism, npd

Sticks — autism, adhd, schizophrenia; eds

Whisper — autism, dyspraxia, depression, ptsd, cptsd; cfs/me, fnd

Tangle — adhd, dyslexia, ptsd; eds, arthritis

Surge — autism, adhd, cptsd, npd, aspd, dpdr; type 1 diabetes (hypoglycaemia), fibromyalgia

Kit — autism, anxiety, depression, dpd, Tourettes, stuttering/stammering; chronic migraines, pots, eds

(I may tweak this as I change my mind or adopt other people’s headcanons, but I wanted to have all my thoughts in one place.)

[aspdculture-is]

ASPD+Autism+UDD+DPDR+Very Possible PPD Culture is chilling and then YOU'RE OVERSTIMULATED YOU'RE UNDERSTIMULATED YOU'RE SO BORED IT'S GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU'RE SO FUCKING UNDERSTIMULATED YOU NEED TO DO DRUGS AND THROW UP YOU YOU'RE DISSOCIATING YOU'RE NOT REAL THE WORLD ISN'T REAL THERE'S ROACHES EVERYWHERE SOMEONE IS COMING TO KIDNAP YOU. And it's like Wow! Really! Isn't that just great! Oh what a joyous day! (🧍‍♂️😢AHHHHHRAHHHHHFUCKKKK)

ASPD culture is

[ratinacoat]

Random syscourse takes

Saw a couple people do this and I like to be included and talk.

No syscourse stance makes you an inherently bad person. Pro endo, anti endo, endo neutral, whatever other options there are. The only thing that makes you a bad person is how you treat the people who disagree with you.

Adding to that one, the "pro endos aren't punk" "anti endos aren't punk" bs is stupid. Neither of that shit changes if you're punk or not. Punk is about being a good person (which you can be no matter of syscourse stance) and caring about real world issues like politics. If syscourse is your biggest worry, you're probably not punk.

If you're self diagnosed with DID, you shouldn't be speaking over people who are diagnosed sharing their experience. You don't know if you have DID or not, if you're self diagnosed you should always remember there's a possibility you're wrong and speaking as if your experience is 100% DID is a quick way to spread misinfo (and in some cases, stigma).

Being anti endo isn't comparable to being transphobic. It's more comparable to being against a religion. There's no proof of endos outside of claim, the only "proof" I've been sent acknowledges it as a belief or something related to psychosomatic symptoms. There is proof of trans people though that is observable outside of claim. Someone being anti endo just means they don't believe in plurality and we're not all assholes about it.

Endos will always have different experienced than someone with a CDD. Even endos that believe they split due to trauma at some point. Without the brain learning to build dissociative barriers as trauma response/defense mechanism, you can not have alters in the same way as DID. DID is a lot more than alters as well and the things that make it different (amnesia, flashbacks, DPDR, etc etc) are caused by the trauma.

Having DID doesn't mean you know everything about it and not having DID doesn't mean you know nothing about it. A diagnosis is not education. Experience is not a source of information. Someone without a disorder speaking on how it works from an educated perspective isn't automatically wrong just cause someone with the disorder (especially if self diagnosed) speaking from an uneducated perspective or experience "corrects" them.

People who defend the term RAMCOA with their life are weird. You hear something is antisemitic and have it explained to you why it is and you get mad? Really? If you act like the psychiatrists who supported conspiracy theories and abused patients are automatically saints cause one of the groups against RAMCOA as a term are also bad you are an idiot.

Adding to that, the same people who defended self diagnosis with "I'm not trusting abusive therapists about a disorder" defend RAMCOA and trust those abusive therapists. Seriously?

Pro endos with CDDs shouldn't be kicked out of every CDD space. They still have a CDD. They shouldn't be forced to stay with people who don't share the same experience as them just cause they believe some people can be plural. If they're not forcing their belief on everyone, it doesn't matter.

The horses of syscourse should be treated with more respect. Hi Morlocks.

[ikhebptsd]

BSD psych ward AU.....

Okay so I was thinking abt this one of the times I was in the hospital this past year, and when I got home I started writing my ideas down.

Atsushi centric, most likely. I wanna focus on his PTSD/C-PTSD more, as someone who has C-PTSD. I'm also sort of projecting my own experiences from the first time I was in the hospital onto his first (and hopefully only!) time. Here's what I have so far for the characters I want involved as patients:

Atsushi (he/they 15): Admitted for suicide attempt. First time there. Never been treated for any mental health issue. Gets diagnosed PTSD, MDD, GAD. Put on medication.

Dazai (he/him 16): That one kid that's there like once a month. Another suicide attempt. All the nurses and staff know him. He has WAY too many diagnosis at 16 to be ethical or accurate (BPD, ASPD, Bipolar 2, MDD, DpDr, C-PTSD, who knows what else)

Kenji (he/him 14): There for aggression, but super sweet. Diagnosed ED but the hospital doesn't specialize in it so they don't really care. He always asks the staff if they can go outside.

Akutagawa (he/they 15): Been there before, but not nearly as many times as Dazai. Suicide attempt. Still has his chronic illness in this AU.

Chuuya (he/him 16): There for aggression. Gets blackouts. Diagnosed IED and Bipolar 1.

Ranpo (he/him 17): Idek why he's there tbh. When asked he avoids the question or makes some joke. Sneaks extra snacks and juice from the caf in his pockets. Diagnosed ASD and ADHD. Maybe bulimia? i'm unsure.....

Kyoka (she/they 13): There for suicide and self harm. She's really quiet and is usually coloring or sleeping. Says as little as possible to her doctor and therapist. Waiting on her stuffed rabbit to be approved.

Q (they/them 11): That one kid that everyone agrees is too young to be there. There for self harm, suicidal ideation, and homicidal ideation. Seems sweet but also very unstable. Isn't allowed to have a roommate. On a Q10 (has to have a staff member with them at ALL times. In the shower, bathroom, etc. due to self harm in the hospital). They call some staff their "hospital mom". Diagnosed schizoaffective, ADHD, and ASD. One doctor has suggested a BPD diagnosis but they're WAY too young for that to be accurate. They've been a couple of times.

Ivan (he/him 16): There for a manic episode with psychosis. On way too many meds to be ethical. Most staff ignore him at this point. Can't have a roommate.

Sigma (they/she 16): There for depression, frequent panic attacks, and suicidal ideation. Very normal home life actually. One of the few people who doesn't argue with their family or cry on the phone. Diagnosed MDD, GAD, panic disorder, perhaps OCD?

Nikolai (any/all 17): There on a temporary detention order for tresspassing. Clearly unstable. Maybe even manic tbh no one knows what's going on with them. Good at talking to people. Gets bored so he's always trying to make some drama. Idk what his diagnosis are. Maybe BPD, bipolar, something idk

[syscourse-shmiscourse]

We don't typically self-identify on this blog but because it's relevant, I will say that I am Kay and will be talking about my co-hosting relationship with Em and the way we intentionally utilize amnesia barriers. This will be long, so I'll put it under the cut.

There seems to be some misconception that amnesia barriers are inherently bad. I've seen a particular user refer to it repeatedly as "self-harm". But we know, factually, that dissociation is not bad just because it's dissociation. There are plenty of positive or neutral examples of dissociation when used intentionally, such as daydreaming or losing yourself in a book.

Dissociation is a neutral experience. It's how you feel about that experience and how it causes disruptions, if any, that makes it positive or negative. Lots of dissociation does cause distress. Daydreaming can become maladaptive, for example. Highway hypnosis can cause an accident. Then obviously you have all the dissociative disorders. But one end of the spectrum doesn't define dissociation as a whole.

Em and I have reached functional multiplicity between the two of us specifically. It's one of the reasons we are both hosts of the system. And while we both feel the negative dissociative effects of our DID and DPDR on an individual basis, it's very rare that it's a negative thing between us anymore. Why? Because we do it on purpose. I know, I know. Hold the pitchforks and torches.

Why do we do this? Simply because we both have our own lives outside the inner world and, like any other normal person, we want our privacy respected. Em doesn't need to know when I take my wife to bed. I don't need to know when Em has an emotional heart-to-heart with their partner. Neither of us need to know what private thoughts we put into our personal journals. It's a form of respect and self-love that we can show each other, using the tools that used to disrupt our lives.

I won't lie: this took years. Out of everyone in the system, Em and I have known each other the longest. Way back before we knew about the system and Em just thought I was a weird but nice hallucination. I believe we're coming up on a decade of knowing each other as opposed to the simple 3-4 years of knowing about the system as a whole. It takes practice and it takes patience and respect. But it's possible and it can be healthy. Don't let anyone else tell you differently.

[genderqueerdykes]

How do you figure out if you're plural when there's no big gaps in memory and you doubt if any conversations are just you making it up?

hmm. i may not be the best person to ask about this, as i do have significant memory gaps & imposter syndrome, so i'm in the opposite position LOL. i'd like to open this up to plurals who fit this description, but i can at least give you some reassurance

big gaps in memory are generally (not always) associated with dissociative plurality, so DID, OSDD, and so on. it's not required to have those gaps in memory if you identify with other forms of plurality, especially endogenic or spiritual plurality. it's still very possible to be plural and to have no gaps in memory

there are many ways to be plural, unfortunately, i only have insight into my own experience with dissociative identity disorder (and DPDR). hope we can get some replies for you, best of luck in your journey of self discovery

[multiplicity-positivity]

Depersonalization and Derealization Resource List

As with our list of resources for questioning systems, we will update this as we find new information! Feel free to reach out if there’s any info you’d like us to add!

A note on these sources: many of these sources are articles written by individuals struggling with depersonalization-derealization disorder (DPDR). Not every source will be backed in research - many are firsthand accounts from those trying their best to cope with this illness. We feel that reading firsthand accounts and understanding how others are actively coping with DPDR can be an excellent way to find hope and learn to cope for yourself. Additionally, many of these articles are written by folks trying to sell something. It is possible to visit these sites and learn more about DPDR without actually signing up for a service or paying for something!

Cleveland Clinic’s How to Cope with Depersonalization

Tips for coping with depersonalisation and derealisation from Young Minds

Manhattan Mental Health Counseling’s How to Deal with Derealization?

How to Cope With Depersonalization Disorder and Take Control of Your Life by Kentucky Counseling Center

Derealization: Symptoms, Causes, & Treatments by Choosing Therapy

NAMI’s Derealization: The Symptom That Makes the World Feel Unreal

Depersonalization-derealization disorder by Augusta Health

Resources to Recover’s Depersonalization / Derealization Disorder: DO’s and DON’T’s

Depersonalization Disorder by Osmosis from Elsevier

The DP Manual Website (has lots of great info you can access without a purchase)

What Do the Terms ���Depersonalization” and “Derealization” Mean? by FHE Health

Depersonalization and Derealization by Psychology Tools

The subreddit r/DPDR’s official resource guide

Our own infographic on Depersonalization vs. Derealization

We hope this list will help folks who are curious about DPDR or are struggling themselves with these symptoms. As always, please do your best to take care of yourself, and have a great day!

[ridibulous]

Sepaspec terms

I really liked the original separomantic (link) here, but I really wanted an acespec equivalent for ourselves, and clean up the separomantic flag & label personally; a recoin if you will, but I tried to keep the spirit of the original in my recoin regardless out of respect.

NOTE: ANYONE (WHO FEEL THEY APPLY TO THE DEFINITION) MAY IDENTIFY WITH AND USE THESE LABELS & FLAGS, REGARDLESS OF OUR "DNI".

Sepasexual

An acespec microlabel for neurodivergent folk who experience dissociation (ex. (C-)PTSD, DPDR, BPD, DID/OSDD, etc.); feeling separated and/or dissociative towards sexual attraction, possibly viewing it in third person and struggling to connect your attraction with yourself & your feelings.

Dark purple: Asexuality and the asexual spectrum

Light purple: Fogginess, disconnection, and confusion from sexual attraction

Grey: Dissociation, separation, emptiness

Pink: Attempts to connect self with attraction and/or feelings towards sexuality

Red: Self love and pride in sexuality, or lack thereof

Separomantic

An arospec microlabel for neurodivergent folk who experience dissociation (ex. (C-)PTSD, DPDR, BPD, DID/OSDD, etc.); feeling separated and/or dissociative towards romantic attraction, possibly viewing it in third person and struggling to connect your attraction with yourself & your feelings.

Dark green: Aromanticism and the aromantic spectrum

Light green: Fogginess, disconnection, and confusion from romantic attraction

Grey: Dissociation, separation, emptiness

Light orange: Attempts to connect self with attraction and/or feelings towards romance

Orange: Self love and pride in romanticism, or lack thereof

Separoace

An aroace-spec microlabel for neurodivergent folk who experience dissociation (ex. (C-)PTSD, DPDR, BPD, DID/OSDD, etc.); feeling separated and/or dissociative towards both sexual & romantic attraction, possibly viewing them in third person and struggling to connect your attraction with yourself & your feelings.

Dark blue: Experiencing asexuality and aromanticism together, the asexual & aromantic spectrums

Light blue: Fogginess, disconnection, and confusion from both sexual and romantic attraction

Grey: Dissociation, separation, emptiness

Light yellow: Attempts to connect yourself with your attraction and/or feelings towards sexuality and romance

Yellow: Self love and pride in both sexuality and romanticism, or lack thereof.

[moonbeamsystem]

if your train of thought is that people are less than you because their trauma "wasn't as bad", you need to rethink why you could possibly believe that. does it make you feel invalid? are you afraid that your trauma is too much?

simultaneously, if you think people who have trauma "worse than you" are conceded or faking, you also need to think inwardly. do you genuinely believe that your trauma "wasn't enough"? or are you attempting to protect what little safety you have left?

your trauma is valid AS IS. you don't have to exaggerate or lessen your symptoms to be "likeable" or "tolerable". The people who love you will not think your trauma is "too much" or "not enough" to have the reaction you're having. whether it be osddid, ptsd, dpdr, aspd- whatever it is. you are loved and valid as you are.

[deanbrainrotwritings]

—  TO THE KEY OF EVERGREEN

SUMMARY : while dean dreams of things he’s too shy to share, the reader takes matters into her own hands when dean’s deep in sleep dreaming of something else. 

PAIRING : dean winchester x fem!reader

CHARACTERS : two nameless tentacle aliens

WARNINGS/TAGS : explicit(18+), fluff, angst, tentacle kink, p in v, unprotected sex, somnophilia, description of dpdr

WORD COUNT : 3.4k

A/N : the devil wears prada song title. @spnkinkevents : #12daysofspnkinkmas2023 — somnophilia. I’ve always wanted to write a tentacle fic for my favourite boy, dean winchester. reader pov then Dean’s dream pov switch by dividers. I swear more in my writing than I do irl, expect me to never curse irl honestly 😣😔

Dean was absolutely fucking adorable. 

He looked stunning, he always did, especially as he slept. 

Relaxed. Peaceful. Comfortable. Safe.

The moonlight poured into the cabin from the window, lightning up the breathtaking features of his face. Her most favourite parts of Dean’s body and face were illuminated by pale moonshine, enhancing his beauty. 

His plump, pink lips were parted slightly. Soft mumbles and quiet sighs fill the silence of the dark room as they slip from between slightly chapped lips. He snored occasionally, too—the cutest snores she’s ever heard. They made her laugh, but she pursed her lips to silence the sound, a loving smile remained on her face, her eyes tender as she beheld her sleeping lover. 

Although she couldn’t sleep, the sound vibrating through him had nothing to do with it. 

She knew he generally did not like to be stared at when he slept. To Dean, the worst was the thought of Chuck’s presence lingering and scrutinising. He wasn’t a threat anymore, but the thought that they’d lost haunted her—the possibility that everything was a dream. Unreality. The final torture. 

It couldn’t be. Cas was safe. Sam was safe. The whole world was safe. And now it’s just Dean and her waiting in a cosy cabin for the rest of their family and friends to get there when Christmas did, too. 

She wants him to be happy. He deserved that after everything that’s happened. She thinks he deserves it more than anyone else in the entire universe. Even if he’d sacrifice himself for the happiness of everyone else, she’d sacrifice everyone else for the happiness of a single man. 

She’d do it in half a heartbeat, even if that’s the last thing he’d ever ask of her. 

She had to admit it was strange to just stare at Dean as he lay unconscious in their bed, but she was bored and entirely in love with him. But mostly, she couldn’t sleep. 

She leaned over to press her lips against Dean’s forehead, placing a lingering kiss to the faint wrinkles she adored to cement herself to reality. She moved away to nuzzle her nose sweetly into his hairline, breathing in the scent of his shampoo, then she brushed her fingers against his stubble. The prickly hairs tickled, but it was nice to feel all those things, to see him in bed, breathing, sleeping. His warmth kept the cold at bay, even as he laid naked beneath two downy blankets.

Finally, they were free from the cold concrete walls of the Bunker. At least temporarily. A breath of fresh air somewhere new. Just the two of them. Close to Bobby’s old—now destroyed—place. Slowly weaning off the comfort of the Bunker as home to truly move forward, and hopefully to retire. 

Dean began to sleep deeply now. Knocked out cold by the effect of melatonin tea. He told her that he dreamt more and that it wasn’t nightmares anymore, not always. She didn’t know if he was lying to make her feel better and ease her disconcertment, but she didn’t push it. If he wanted her to help, he’d go to her and tell her when he feels ready.  

One part of her regrets not drinking the tea with him. But the other part of her knows it’s too frightening, the sensation of sedation, the feeling of unreality. It took her breath away, like being slammed into a wall, a sensation that made her want to scream, run, and cry. A feeling that almost confirmed that everything was in fact a dream. 

Instead of dwelling on her doubts, she waited for sleep to blanket her. 

Maybe watching Dean wouldn’t lull her to sleep. Maybe, but it didn’t stop her. 

His eyes moved beneath closed lids, his long, thick lashes rested against his freckled cheekbones, curled upwards with eyebags faintly defined beneath them. 

Where to begin? Honestly. The now relaxed space between his brows? 

The lovely crinkles that stretched beside his eyes even when he wasn’t smiling or laughing?  

The curve of his nose? The handsomeness of the shape despite the slight crookedness of it near the top? The slight upturn of it that most people would draw onto their faces to feign they had it?

The splash of freckles across his nose and cheeks like sprinkles on cake? The way they frosted over his forehead, down his neck, over every inch of his exquisite body like the whole universe when looking through the James Webb Telescope? 

Maybe the curve of his mouth? His pillowy, pink, slightly chapped kissable lips? The dip above his cupid’s bow? 

The patch of hair below his lip? The stubble that he was letting grow longer and longer? 

The line of his jawline? The little pillow of skin beneath?

The darker freckles that stood out?

Now that she’s taking him in. Why were his ears pretty, too? 

She wanted to kiss him so bad. To touch him. 

Her heartbeat began to elevate and her body became hot. She squeezed her hands together tightly to resist caressing him and turned onto her side, sliding her bare leg against his. If she could just pour herself over his entire body like warm caramel on his favourite pie, she’d be happy.

A moan rumbled deep through him and her brows flew up. She waited for more as he shoved the two blankets down to his hips, his fingers gripping the cowboy-themed blankets tightly. For a few moments, she held her breath, waiting for a nightmare to wake him while her blood turned cold, making her shiver. 

Instead, he turned silent and looked away from her, lifting his other arm over the pillow. 

She breathed out slowly and relaxed, dropping a soothing kiss on his bare shoulder. 

She bit her lip the longer she stared at his now exposed torso. He really hid all his sexiness beneath a million layers of jackets, Henleys, plaid, and flannel. It made her smile in amusement. He was way too pretty, way too hot, way, way too alluring.

He wasn’t very hairy and whatever hair he did have was too light. He had no chest hair. No happy trail… She never found that attractive anyway. Although, now that she thought about it, she wondered if she’d feel differently if he did have it… Probably not, it’s Dean. He even managed to change her mind about beards as he began growing his own in secret (a secret from Sam).

She envied his body. Who wouldn’t? He ate so much, it was adorable, but none of it showed. Maybe it was the combination of his metabolism and all the hunting. He’s definitely beefier than before. It might be ageing that changed his body from slim, model-like to this thick, lumberjack. Very sexy. Good job, body. Goddamn, he’s aged so damn fine. Whatever it was it kept him taut and toned, fit.

She licked her lips, staring from the tattoo beneath his collarbone to his hip bones, the dip of them on each side reminding her that he was completely naked beneath the fluffy covers. She felt guilty. Dean was usually the one who would touch her between her legs as she slept, or had his face buried between her legs to wake her with an orgasm, a few times he’s actually been fucking her. 

He’d smirk down at her when she woke up, kissing her passionately as she sobered from her sleepy state. She’d cling to him as he pounded her into the mattress, her orgasm came faster than she cared to admit. It’s never been off the table, but it’s usually him that proposes and suggests for her. 

Would he mind if it was the other way ‘round?

Dean ran through unfamiliar metal hallways.

Fucking hell. Was the hallway getting longer or was he running too damn slow? 

Dumbass nightmare logic didn’t stop Dean from running as fast as he could. He wasn’t tired, but slowly, as Dean realised he was only dreaming, he was able to get out of the hallway which then turned into a red console room.

Yup, he’s in a stupid dream. 

He grunted out in annoyance, looking around for something to use as a weapon.

A loud bang from the door he just came through—well, it wasn’t a door at first, but it is now—made Dean jump. He looked around the room and stepped towards the console as the lights stopped flashing red. He thought he could make sense of the made-up letters, but as the door was smashed in, Dean reached for a random baton with a lit edge at the tip of the colour violet.

Large, jet-black, shiny tentacles held the inside of the room from the doorway and Dean exhaled slowly, backing up slowly as the monster teased his entrance into Dean’s dream. As Dean hit the wall, he gasped when he started to fall through.

For a few moments, Dean waited for death and did what he thought was closing his eyes in his dreams, only to land gracefully on his two feet—painlessly. 

He relaxed as he looked around the white, padded room, seeing bright panels displaying images and videos he couldn’t quite comprehend. He stopped his analysis of the panels when he heard a familiar voice call his name. He turned to face the woman he loved most, coming from a stairway he never saw in the first place with one of those weird tentacle aliens behind her. 

Suddenly, he wasn’t inside the padded room, instead he was outside. The outside of a place that was definitely not Earth. The grass was still green, but there were a million colourful caterpillars beneath his feet and a cliffside beside him. The sky looked like the ocean, blue and green-like waves, misty clouds were violet, like the surface of Jupiter.

“Dean,” she called him again, but she was also the alien at the same time. It was too confusing, when she touched him, she was soft and human. And now, the spaceship he was in was long forgotten as she appeared to him naked. 

It happened too quickly, now he was on his back and she was kissing his neck and his chest. Her mouth sucked kisses into his skin, licking his nipples making him shudder. He could feel how hard he was, he knew her hand was wrapped around his cock, that he was naked, too. But the pleasure was too far away, faint like perfume on stored clothes.

Why did his wet dreams never allow him to feel full pleasure?

She wasn’t kissing the taut flesh between the v-shape pointing down to his cock, she had her lips wrapped around the tip, sucking wantonly, positioning herself so could take him deeper into her mouth, taking his cock down her throat. 

She pulled away from him abruptly and he watched her move away, as he sat up. Now, he was on top of the cliff and instead of caterpillars, there were colourful baby chickens that climbed into his lap. 

Why couldn’t he ever finish in his dream?

He groaned and whined out her name, but all of that was merely a distraction because he was on a ship again. A different one that looked like the TARDIS, but also, it wasn’t the TARDIS at all. Beaceuse where the console should be, there was a table, and she was splayed over it. 

Those black, glistening tentacles made a return and Dean cursed his stupid kink for making him both aroused and afraid. She was partially in the ‘arms’ of the alien, its tentacles slathered a clear substance over her body, hotly sucking red marks against her skin.

Her moans captivated him, the tentacles moved around her breasts, fondling, sucking. They moved all over her, teasing her weeping folds obscenely, parting her labia with the tips of two tentacles in exploration of her body. Then, one suction latched to her clit and she moaned his name, begging for him to join her and the curious, lewd alien. 

Dean whined quietly, stepping closer to the table as the second tentacle temptingly circled her entrance before plunging only the tip of the tentacle in and out teasingly. The wet sound drove him crazy. She reached behind her to ground herself using the alien, except Dean’s brain couldn’t complete its image so he didn’t really know what it actually looked like.

All he felt were tentacles move over him, too. Just like they did to her, they slathered him in something warm and sticky. They tried the same thing as they had with her, wrapping around his chest, sucking his nipples, wrapping around his throat to suck at his pulse in the exact same way she always did. 

When the slimy arms began to explore between his legs, Dean shut his thighs bashfully. But the alien pried them open again and he was being pushed forward towards his girlfriend as she got fucked by the other alien. The suctioning sensation as the tentacle curiously experimented with motions of up and down along his erect cock felt more real now. 

This is the weirdest foursome he’d ever been a part of. He can definitely say he’s never been fucked by unidentifiable aliens in his life, especially ones that didn’t have genitilia save for the phallic-like pitch-black arms that slithered into her and wrapped around his cock.

Could it be considered a foursome if the aliens weren’t getting any pleasure?

This was probably gonna be part of Dean’s top-ten favourite wet dreams. 

Dean woke up with a gasp, groaning softly as warm breath tickled his lips. He blinked to clear his bleary vision and moaned in annoyance as the bed beneath him moved. He tried to get a clear view of the disruptor of his most awesome dream and put his entire palm on the face of his girlfriend who was on top of him.

“Dean,” she laughed, moving his hand away to place it on her breast. He moaned softly again as he felt a familiar pressure between his legs, deep in his tummy the discomfort of an edged orgasm sobered him and squeezed her breast roughly. “What were you dreaming of?” She murmured seductively.

He was fully awake now, Dean blinked a few times and inhaled sharply when he saw his naked lover grinding her hips sensually in circles, her legs spread far apart, her strong thighs lifting her upwards just a few inches so he could see his wet cock disappear inside her.  

“Holy… fuck,” Dean drew out with a moan, clinging to her hips instantly. “I’m not gonna last,” he gasped, throwing his head back into the pillow. Nonetheless, Dean attempted to hold back. She knew he was as his fingers dug into the flesh of her hips, sending sparks of painful pleasure through her body.

“Oh, shit… Dean,” she moaned, her pussy tightening around him as he throbbed inside her. He growled softly, squirming. She refused to lift herself up any higher, but it felt good anyway, and she looked far better than she did in his dream.

With her back arched, her brows furrowed in concentration of her pleasure, and her lips parted to release quick, short breathes, and praises—occasionally, out tumbled a few teasing words. It just felt so good every time, the way he stretched her so deliciously, the way she got his cock to brush repeatedly over the same spot inside her, and how each roll of her hips made her clit brush and rub over his pubic bone. 

“Come, then, if you’re that fucking needy,” she teased, arching her back as she dug her fingernails into his chest. 

Dean bucked his hips upwards and clamped his hand around her hips so tightly she couldn’t move. A tingle moved up his spine and made him shiver. He wanted to hold back and wait for her, but she felt so hot and wet around him. His orgasm felt different than before, but still marvellous. While he spilled into her, she ground her hips down against him to stimulate her clit, bouncing again slightly when he loosened his grip on her to ride out his orgasm with a loud groan of her name. 

As she finally orgasmed, he began to whimper from oversensitivity, but let her use him as she finished, the walls of her vagina squeezing and pulsing around him. A breathless laugh tumbled from between her parted lips and she leaned forward to drop her forehead to his shoulder.

He pressed kisses along her hair, the soft strands tickling his nose as he nuzzled into the fruit-flower scent of her shampoo. His fingers slipped into her hair, tousling what was already messy to tug gently, bringing her swollen lips to his for a hungry and grateful kiss. She moaned against his mouth, both of their lips parting for their tongues to explore and lick, tasting each other once more—as if for the first time.

Saliva connected their lips when she pulled away with a smirk, his fingers carefully untangling from her hair. He panted and stared at her with his lips still parted, “what were you dreaming of?” She inquired once more, slowly lifting herself from his cock. His eyes flickered downward, watching his limp cock lean against her thigh before falling between his legs, coated in her cum, both creamy and clear. Droplets of his cum dribbled down her thighs like melting whipped him and he inhaled deeply, staring with wonder as more of their mixed cum slipped from her slippery folds.

“Hey, sexy, answer me,” she jabbed, dropping down next to him, letting herself bounce over the mattress before scooting into his opening arms. She kicked the covered upwards until she could reach with her hands and pulled it up their naked bodies.

“Uh,” he mumbled thoughtfully, laughing while wrapping his arm around her shoulders, bringing her close to kiss her temple. “Aliens, tentacles, a foursome,” he confessed, brushing his fingertips up and down her shoulder.

“Real hot,” she murmured, placing her hand over his chest where his heart was beating. “We should bond over your porn again,” she suggested sleepily, tangling her legs with his again. He laughed again, then brought his hand over to her breast to play with her nipple, rubbing, pinching, tugging her sensitive nub. 

“You got mad at me the first hundred times,” he reminded her, playfully squeezing her breast.

“Well,” she started, “that was then… and now, I think differently.” He hummed deeply, closing his eyes, then he sleepily turned to his side with her still in his arms. “Like… maybe… I won’t be jealous because those are fantasies. I know the women you go for in the real world have always been nothing like the unrealistic, skinny, big titty, models with photoshop, surgery, pink everything, an-”

“I mean… you have nice tits, a juicy ass, pretty pussy-”

“No,” she laughed, “you just like me alot.”

“I love you,” he whispered, shutting her up. He pressed a kiss to her forehead. “We can ‘bond’ over it for fun, but I haven't gotten off on any of it since I met you… well, I have, but only because I miss you, and I want to do it to you, or watch you do it to me-the point is… yeah, they’re fantasies. I don’t wanna indulge in it because I’ve got the real thing. Maybe I'll look something up for ideas, but not because I need something to get off.” 

“No, yeah, I know that,” she murmured, tucking her head under his chin. “That’s not what I meant,” she laughed softly. “I just want you to know that nothing you’re into will make me… less into you.” 

“Think I don’t know that already?” He asked with a grin. “You’ve been with me for years now. I know…” He paused, hesitating suddenly, insecurity gripping his heart. “I hope you won’t leave… all things considered, you’ve seen parts of me I never woulda shown anyone. Had you not been in my life all this time, I’d be single right now.”

She pulled her head out from where it was to look straight at him, then she laughed. “Tragic.” 

He laughed with her and kissed her quickly, his eyes crinkling lovingly as he gazed down at her to tell her: “I’d rather be single than without you.” He licked his bottom lip charmingly, tasting the words on his tongue as he sucked on his pillowy lips before slowly releasing it, leaving it wet, pinker, and more tender. “And, uh… do this more in the future...” 

She giggled and threw her arm around his shoulder to bring him in for a tender kiss.

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[kalied0skull]

Hiii!!! I just answered your ask and now I want to throw the question back you! What thoughts and headcanons have you been thinking about The Outsiders recently?

AHHHH we're playin like flip-flops now hehe okay !!!

let me think... you'd be surprised (not) to hear that I've mostly been stuck on soda for these past few days ... this ask blog really just has him rotating in my head a lot

but I don't wannaaaaa talk about him right now. because i have so many other things to talk about too!!! not just soda, really!!!

rambling sesh incoming, prepare for the biggest walls of text in ur LIFE .

people always talk about ponyboys ways of grieving, and if I'm being quite honest i think he just really disassociated. HARD. — because we hear so much about how active his hallucinations and brain gets when he's in a more depressive state, i truly do believe he got stuck in his head for a while. — spaced out constantly, his brother's constantly attention-tapping him to grab him out of the clouds, he's lost for a lot of it. and being lost for so long, he just sort of crumbles once he realizes how much he's missed because he's been trapped on pause. — I don't think he had a major breakdown until way later, because he just COULDN'T. not that he didn't want to and didn't cry plenty when he WAS out of it, it's that he physically just... didn't feel his own emotions. i think he truly went through the worst dpdr episode of his life in that moment, and after about 3 months it finally went away, only to come crashing down on him.

when it comes to soda and darry during that time, i really think they were just as lost as him. but not mentally, physically. they didn't know where to go from there. none of the gang did. people talk about how two-bit becomes worse of an alcoholic, and how steve becomes more distant and explosive – which i can agree with, but i really think they also became way more closer, on a personal level. — i feel like soda was miserable, not being able to speak his emotions out properly unless both of his brothers were expressing their emotions first, like he wasn't allowed to unless everyone else was. darry, who's stuck trying to parent his brothers, is only more fearful of the possibility of losing more than just his future careers. he's worried about losing his future family, the future memories, the things he forgets to cherish — i think he becomes so much more attached, and in a sense more childlike because of how he is. he's stuck in a stage of regressing. two-bit, who feels like he can't do anything aside from take care of others because that's what he seemed like he was best at @ the time (caring for ponyboy, being there for his friends as comedic relief, sitting there quietly for comfort) and taking on role of being the happy guy for soda for a while despite the fact he's just as miserable. steve, who still has to deal with the burden of his dad, feeling stuck in johnny and dallas' shoes because that could have been him. and not many people realize how similar he is to them both; he's constantly a lit flame just as much as dallas, always ready to blow. constantly being beat on by his father, and berated by others. it could have been HIM. and that terrifies him, because sometimes he wishes it was.

and i guess since he's sort of related, i really do hate curly BUT... sometimes i really enjoy thinking about him and his siblings. i love the shepards, really i do. and I'd expand so much on angela and curly and tim and how they're so similar to the curtises, yet SO SO different. we know nothing about where their parents are. we know nothing about their home life. angela gets trapped with her brothers all the time, these two troublemakers she cannot stand because she's a teenage girl with no fucks to give. and curly, who's got the worst issues because he never got cared for properly as a adolescent and his siblings didn't know how to raise him either. tim, who practically avoids the house like the plague and his siblings even moreso. i just think it's SOOOO fascinating to see how different the two families are, despite being in the same situation. the curtises really got the good ending in it all, and I can't help but imagine the shepards resent the curtises for being so... perfect. or, more than better than they are by a longshot. curly and pony are friends, but there's definitely an energy of jealousy in between them.

OH YEAH like in your blog, you mentioned a lot of the dynamics within the gang. i wanted to expand on my own thoughts:

darry and two-bit are an absolute power duo. which would make you surprised, because usually two-bit is undoing all the work darry does — in a literal and figurative sense. with how much two fucks with him, you think darry would hate him. but no, he loves twobit. in fact, he adores the guy like a little brother, because he's another one of the only people he'll let bother him aside from sodapop. although, he's got more limits than soda does.

steve with LITERALLY ANY of the gang. any of them. I don't think people realize how pushed off steve seems to be as "that one guy friends with soda" or "that one guy who actually has a girlfriend" (which hehe, funny, evie ily) but I'm a true believer that steve's part of the glue just as much as johnny or ponyboy are. you NEED that sidekick friend. because Steve's smart as shit, and he knows stuff. and he isn't just an asshole, he cares deeply about the entire gang. he just doesn't show it because he doesn't get it at home himself; he just doesn't know how.

anywho it's late and I'm sleepy but these were really fun to write about... yippie !!! i hope you get to chew on these poptart! :D