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werewolf-morgue · 2 years

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─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Warm welcomes to my journal/blog

First off, some things about me

You can call me Fern. I’m an adult (18+) and I use they/them pronouns. I have depression, cptsd, autism, EDNOS and ocd. I’m very passionate about mental health and want to become a therapist someday!

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What is this blog about?

Well to start off it’s my journal, but I’d like to add a bit of a twist. Not everything is terrible all the time and I’d like to make that very clear. Part of this is cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to get myself out of bad coping skills and unhealthy thinking (and hopefully inspire some you to as well). This can also be used to track my progress mental health-wise. Here I am going to be showing pretty much everything, so do be warned. Refer my BYF and tags.

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BYF

I am an adult, but this account is welcome to minors. We all struggle with bad thoughts sometimes and it’s ok!

That being said, please look at my tags and blacklist ones that will trigger you or make you uncomfortable. This goes for everyone.

I’m going to be as honest as I possibly can. Some topics may be taboo to readers.

Emotions are hard to pinpoint and can be overwhelming, some of my posts will not be as well put together as others.

I will not show any images of triggering things (ie sh, body checking, etc). Same goes with flashing images. If I do, don’t be afraid to tell me and I’ll take down the post!

I occasionally (but not always) use tone indicators.

I will hardblock a lot of people, this can range from not following my DNI to people being uncomfortable with what I post. Please ask me to block you if you must!

Cyberbullying isn’t cool and I will also block you for this. Do not send me triggering things.

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DNI

Lgbtphobes, racists, sexists, TERFs, MAPs/p*dos, proship, xenophobic, antisemitic, don’t support neopronouns, anti furry or therian, any basic dni criteria I missed, if you are uncomfortable with the stuff I post, and if you are purposefully triggering yourself.

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Tags

#dear diary

My diary, usually what I did that day and how I felt

#werewolfwrites

If I decide to write poems or something they go under this tag

#awooo

Random thoughts, usually silly

#the sun is shining

Something positive!

#not mine

Experiences that I have not dealt with personally, typically from my ask box

#ocd thoughts

Pretty self explanatory, compulsions and such

#intrusive thoughts

Also self explanatory. TW: will contain disturbing content such as self destructive behavior, derealization, p*dophillia, etc etc. I will go more into depth on this in another post

#mental disorder or #mental health

Pretty much for generalized mental health and educational posts

#into the void or #vent

Big undesired emotions

#song

Tagged under songs I like :)

#tw

Trigger warning. I post some triggering stuff here

#tw disordered eating

Tagged under BED and other disordered eating posts

#tw sh related

Will never show self harm on here but I will discuss my experiences with it

#tw trauma

Tagged under posts with trauma and my experiences with cptsd

#tw sa

For things regarding SA

#tw sui ideation

When I’m feeling s*icidal

These tags may change and adapt as mental health is complex, I will update as needed. Feel free to request some as well. No promises I will add all of them though, so please keep that in mind.

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Final Thoughts

This is my blog, so a lot of these posts will talk about my experiences. However I am aware my my experiences aren’t always everyone else’s; that is completely valid! If you would like to discuss your experiences please send them to my ask box and clarify if you would like me to post it or not. I also encourage you to be anonymous if you would like. I am not a therapist so please do not treat me like one. As stated earlier a lot of these are just my experiences and ways to cope with them/vent about them. This will not work for everyone and a lot of my coping skills are admittedly not that great, but I will get better. Things will be tagged accordingly and feel free to tell me if I missed something.

If you are struggling right now, know that I care about you and things will be easier to manage. The sun is shining and I hope you have a great day <3

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

#pinned

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media-on-the-mind101 · 4 years

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Turtles All the Way Down: OCD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (Book)

* May contain spoilers*

I recently finished reading Turtles All the Way Down by John Green, and it is now one of my favorite novels. The story hit me close to home because it deals with a disorder that I was diagnosed with. I thought writing an article about it would be a good way to educate you readers, while also sharing a little bit about myself.

Turtles All the Way Down is story about a teenage girl named Aza Holmes who suffers from OCD or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. The story shows how the disorder impacts her daily life as well as her relationships. Because the author suffers from the disorder in real life, the depiction is fairly accurate. However, I spotted a few things that might suggest a whole different diagnosis whatsoever. The story also covers Aza’s treatment which I felt was missing a lot of important things.

According to the DSM 5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a disorder where a person gets caught in a cycle of obsessions and compulsions. Obsessions are intrusive thoughts that trigger distressing feelings, while compulsions are repetitive behaviors that are performed to relieve anxiety or prevent something bad from happening. OCD is often confused with OCPD (Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder) which is characterized by extreme perfectionism, order, and neatness. OCPD is often portrayed as OCD in the media which means that stereotypical OCD is really OCPD.

While Aza does have obsessions that involve cleaning, they are more about health and less about being organized. People with OCD often have a specific thing they worry about, and for Aza it is contracting an infection from a parasite called C-diff which essentially causes food poisoning and stomach damage. While she doesn’t really do anything to neutralize or cancel her thoughts out, she repeatedly reads articles online and uses hand sanitizer to relieve her anxiety.

As you may already have figured out, people with OCD often have illogical thought patterns and they are fully aware of it. But their anxiety makes them perform their compulsion anyway “just to make sure.” This is seen in the book when Aza drinks a bottle of hand sanitizer to insure that all bad bacteria inside her body are cured. Of course we all know, that drinking hand sanitizer would actually be more harmful then helpful.

“Drinking hand sanitizer is not going to make you healthier, you crazy fuck. But they can talk to your brain. THEY can tell your brain what to think, and you can’t. So, who’s running the show? Stop it, please (pg. 210).

In this scene, Aza knows that drinking hand sanitizer is actually more harmful then helpful, but she feels as if something is controlling her brain. The “they” refers to her OCD and she tells it to stop but isn’t able to control it.

While reading the book, I noticed that some of Aza’s symptoms don’t quite fit the diagnosis of OCD, such as her feeling of not knowing if she is awake or dreaming, real or non-existent. In one chapter she says the following:

“the pressing of my thumbnail against my fingertip had started off as a way of convincing myself that I was real . . . every time I thought maybe I wasn’t real, I would dig my nail into my fingertip, and I would feel the pain, and for a second I’d think, Of course I’m real” (pg.106).

The feeling of disconnect she has from her own body and surroundings are actually symptoms of DDD (Depersonalization - Derealization Disorder). According to the DSM, the disorder is characterized by persistent feelings of being a stranger to yourself or your surroundings. According to Psychology Today, however, you have to have no signs of other mental illness that can explain your symptoms, in order to be diagnosed with DDD. This is when diagnosing a patient becomes challenging; so many disorders can have similar symptoms or be co-morbid with each other that it they can difficult to differentiate.

The other symptom I noticed that is actually its own disorder, is the fact that Aza has a habit of digging her nail into her fingertip to the point where her finger becomes scarred. While picking of the skin is often comorbid with OCD, it is actually a separate disorder called excoriation disorder or dermatillomania. According to mhanational.org, this disorder is characterized by picking of the skin that creates skin lesions and that causes disruption in everyday life. It is true that the disorder falls under the category of obsessive compulsive disorders in the DSM, but excoriation disorder is not the same as OCD.

Now we’ve defined what OCD is, but another important part of how the book portrays it is in the treatment. According to Mayoclinic.com, the most common treatments for OCD include CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), exposure therapy, and medications such as SSRIs (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors). These are the treatments that I had during my childhood, and they have been statistically proven to be very effective.

In the book Aza sees a therapist and takes medication, but she doesn’t get exposure therapy, one of the main treatments for OCD. Aza mainly gets CBT which is essentially talk therapy, but she is not forced to face her obsessions without performing her compulsions. An example of this would be touching a dirty substance and then forcing herself not to take out her phone or use hand sanitizer.

The last important thing is how OCD effects a peoples relationships. Throughout the story, the characters in Aza’s life talk about how hard she is to deal with. One scene toward the end really emphasizes the importance of this issue. In this scene, Aza and her best friend Daisy get into an argument because Daisy feels that Aza is too self-centered.

She says “and you’re so, like, pathologically uncurious that you don’t even know what you don’t know.” And later she adds “I don’t mean that you’re a bad friend or anything. But you’re slightly tortured, and the way you’re tortured is sometimes also painful for, like, everyone around you”(pg. 216).

Daisy is frustrated because she feels like Aza is so caught up in her own thoughts that she never shows any interest in the lives of others. When she says Aza is “tortured” and it makes it painful for everyone around her, this shows just how much her illness impacts her relationships with other people. Basically, people find her difficult to be around because they, in a sense, have to experience everything with her and they begin to lose patience. At the end of this scene, the two girls get into a car accident because they weren’t paying attention to the road.

Aza’s other important relationship in the story is with is Davis, who is like a friend with benefits. The reason he never becomes Aza’s boyfriend is because of her social anxiety and fear of contamination that prevents her from being physically close to people.

“I enjoyed being with him more in this nonphysical space, but I also felt the need to board up the windows of myself. Me: I feel kinda precarious in general, and I can’t really date you. Or date anyone. I’m sorry but I can’t. I like you, but I can’t date you” (pg. 162).

I this scene, Aza reveals that she communicates better online then in person and this suggests that she has some form of social anxiety.

Another scene tells us just how much her fear of germs effects her life: “billions of people kiss and don’t die just make sure his microbes aren’t going to permanently colonize you come on please stop this . . . then you’ll get C. diff and boom dead in four days please fucking stop just kiss him JUST CHECK TO MAKE SURE. I pulled away” (pg. 152).

In this scene, Aza has difficulty being physically intimate with Davis because her fear of germs prevents from enjoying it like most people would. Based on this fact, we could predict that Aza will have difficulty in her future relationships because of her mental illness and this is a great example of how it effects people in real life.

As I mentioned in the beginning of this article, the author John Green himself suffers from OCD. Compared to his own experiences, the book is pretty similar. Like the main character, Green suffers from obsessions about contamination. In an episode of the Vlogbrothers Youtube channel, Green explains that

“I might worry out of nowhere that my food is contaminated or somehow poisoned and then somehow suddenly that will be the only thought I'm able to think . . . I can lose all control over my thoughts for an extended period of time to the extent that I can't follow what's happening in a TV show or read a book.” (Green).

*John Green, author of Turtles All the Way Down*

So like Aza, he worries about contamination to the point where he can’t focus on anything else. He also has the same kinds of thought spirals :

“the compulsive behaviors I use to cope with these obsessive thought spirals, repeatedly checking my food for contamination, for instance, or spending hours Googling what will happen to me if I eat moldy bread.” (Green).

As you can see, the characters compulsion of checking in internet comes straight from the author’s real life experience. According to the New York Times, John Green developed the disorder at around seven years old and eventually got it under control with the right medication and CBT. It was not said weather or not he underwent exposure therapy. So the treatment that Aza receives is based on the way some treatments work in real life.

While reading Turtles All the Way Down I often found myself feeling nostalgic because my own experience with OCD is very similar. Although I do not have an obsession with a specific thing like Aza does, I have the same types of intrusive thoughts. I also have similar compulsions to seek reassurance from the internet or other people about my health, as well as other compulsions to neutralize, or cancel out my thoughts.

Because I had Tourette Syndrome (a neurological disorder that causes physical impulses) as a child, I developed what is called Tourettic OCD. It is pretty much exactly what it sounds like; Tourette Syndrome and OCD combined. The reason this occurs in some individuals is because the ability to filter out and thoughts and the impulse to move, take place in the same brain area, the basal ganglia. As a result of this, my compulsions tend to be more physical, such as moving my eyes excessively whenever I see negative words in a book, or someone getting sick in a movie.

Like Aza, I went through CBT but I also went through several years of exposure therapy and I take an SSRI in conjunction. I think exposure therapy is a very important part of the treatment of disorders such as OCD and PTSD and I was disappointed that the book did not include it. I think that if you are going to educate a person about disorder, then you have to educate them about the treatment as well. In conclusion, Turtles All the Way Down was a great novel that captured OCD more accurately then any movie I have seen. The fact that the author has the disorder makes it all the more realistic and personal, and I have to say as a person with OCD and a psychology major, I was quite pleased with the way the character was portrayed. The story may have been missing a few important elements but overall it provided a realistic way of educating people about the disorder.

#john green #turtles all the way down #ocd #mental health #mental illness #books and literature #psychology

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sanriosratz · 4 years

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what are ur disability headcannons for the creeps? :3 (*^ω^*)

~yes, I did ask this to myself just so I could ramble about my disability hcs. and no, I will not tell you how I did it >:D~

Also I might start using fae/faer pronouns for Dina! Thoughts?

!Long Post Undercut!

Disorders

Slenderman

He, despite not having a proper diagnosis, has OCD (Self-Diagnosed technically—he researched about it enough to label himself with it comfortably)

Splendorman

He has Williams-Beuren Syndrome (I need to research this more before saying anything)

Trenderman

He has Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)

Judge Angels

She has Autism Spectrum Disorder

She has Bipolar Disorder

She has Factitious Disorder Imposed on Another (AKA Munchausen by Proxy)

Jeff the Killer

He has ADHD

He suffers from Derealization, but it has gotten better over the years

He has PTSD

Homicidal Liu

He has Autism Spectrum Disorder

He has PTSD

He has DID

Eyeless Jack

He has Autism Spectrum Disorder

He has OCD

He has PTSD

Laughing Jack

He has PTSD

He has Severe Separation Anxiety

Ticci Toby

Their Cannon Disorders are: Bipolar Disorder, CIPA, PTSD, Amnesia, Schizophrenia and Tourette's Syndrome

They have Autism Spectrum Disorder

Bloody Painter

They have Asthma

They have Autism Spectrum Disorder

They have POTS (means he faints a lot)

They have PTSD

They have Selective Mutism, they aren’t mute to some people, though!

KageKao

He has Albinism

He has Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)

He has ADHD

Ben Drowned

(Asthmatic-like symptoms, but not actual asthma)

He has Autism Spectrum Disorder

He has seizures

He has PTSD

(Tourette’s-like symptoms (motor & vocal tics))

Jane the Killer

She has PTSD

Sally Dawn

She has Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)

She has PTSD

Nina the Killer

She has Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)

She has OCD

She has PTSD

Clockwork

She has Anaemia

She has Depression

She has PTSD

Physical

Jeff is blind in his left eye (due to the acid spill)

Jeff has a lazy eye

Liu walks with a very minor limp and has a cane to make it easier

Liu’s stitches hinder his ability to smile/move his face.

Eyeless Jack is completely blind and uses a cane

Eyeless Jack is mostly nonverbal/mute

Toby sometimes suffers from seizures due to Anhidrosis. He can usually combat them by keeping cool

Helen was born deaf in one ear

KageKao has a cane because I said so

Jane’s vision is darker than average due to the Liquid Hate

Sally suffers from frequent headaches and joint pains, more specifically her hips

If anyone wishes to add any of their own, feel free!

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virmillion · 7 years

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Exoskeleton

the honors zoology-inspired fic that no one asked for

Warnings: OCD, heavily described food, fighting, unhappy ending, derealization, let me know if there’s any more

Words: 3850 (22000 characters tho which is 10/10)

Exoskeleton - ek’sō-skel’ə-tən - (Gr. exō, outside, + skeletos, hard) - A supporting structure secreted by ectoderm or epidermis; external, not enveloped by living tissue, as opposed to endoskeleton.

Exoskeletons were one of the major turning points in evolution, following the development of annelid cuticles and allowing an external shell to protect the animal from harm. The Cambrian Explosion, some 550 million odd years ago, gave rise to arthropods with such a feature. Ever since, smaller advancements have been made, varying from one species to another.

“Hey, Logan? You want some food?” Patton interjects at Logan’s door, tearing his focus away from the laptop.

“You know as well as I do that we do not require food,” Logan replies. Nevertheless, he puts the screen to sleep, rises from his desk chair, and follows Patton to the kitchen. It really doesn’t make any sense for the sides to have a kitchen in the mind palace, yet here it was, as Roman couldn’t deny Patton any last request. Ridiculous in every sense of the word. Logan straightens his tie in the hall, watching Patton disappear around the corner. Just as ridiculous to have a kitchen in the first place as it was to think that the sides, figments of Thomas’ imagination, required any real sustenance. Of course, he’d been online before. He’d seen the jokes, about him eating books, about Patton eating candy hearts, all of that manner of intelligence. But that’s all they were, really, just jokes from people he didn’t know.

“Okay, so I know Thomas was gonna take a vegetarian cooking class to surprise Talyn, so I thought I’d do a little structural support from the inside to get him going,” Patton says. Logan slides into his little wooden chair at the little wooden table, not looking at the little wooden smile on Virgil’s little wooden face. “Ta-da!” Patton twirls around from the stove with a flourish of his free arm, the other raising a platter of fake meat things in the air. As the tray is set in the middle of the table with the air of a famous chef in front of a king, Patton takes his seat one spot counterclockwise of Logan, across from Virgil.

“Pat, I never even conjured any ingredients for this,” Roman says, furrowing his brow at the mountain of food in front of him.

“I know!” Patton bounces excitedly in his seat. “I found this recipe for using vegetables and stuff that we already had from last time I made dinner, and I got to use them to make something different! Isn’t that so cool?”

“It’s great, Pat,” Virgil concedes, stretching a sleeve-covered hand out to grab something vaguely burger-like.

“That it is, Panic at the Dork-sco,” Roman smiles.

“Not your best. Four out of ten,” Virgil says, tearing off a piece of his not-burger. Logan reaches a hesitant hand out for one of the nugget-things, wrinkling a disgusted nose at the crumbly texture, the bread sticking to his fingers.

“Oh, the veggie nuggets! I had one of these when I was making them, they’re so good!” Patton gushes, popping one in his mouth. Logan steels himself, swallowing a gag reflex, and takes a hesitant bite. Disgust washes over his soul as he holds the piece under his tongue, desperate to avoid tasting it. He needs to eat it, just swallow the darn thing and move on like everyone else, but he can’t. Just moving the chunk to his molars, he feels the artificial taste squelching out through his mouth. The ghost of a wince crosses his face as he forces the thing down his throat, every impulse fighting it.

“Tasty, right?” Patton asks cheerfully, eating two pieces at once. Logan offers a nearly imperceptible nod, trying not to look at the remain two thirds of nugget in his hand. He can still taste the last bite on his teeth, the ghost of the crumbs sticking to his gums. The next bite is supposed to go faster, be easier, but no, two thirds of a nugget at once is terrible, latching onto would-be cavities and in his throat and to his stomach, where it sits like a stone.

“You know what? I’m not hungry,” Logan says, drawing the cloth napkin from his lap and wiping it over his lips. “I’m going back to my room.”

“Lo, you say that every night,” Roman whines. “We know that we don’t eat food, but this is the fun part of being part of Thomas! We get to do human things!”

“Yeah, no thanks.” Logan pushes his chair back and heads for his room, still feeling the horrible substance forcing its way through his system. He downs one of some fifty water bottles in his room, trying to wash the remainder of the food away. In his haste to calm down, he didn’t close his door on time, which is never a good thing.

“Why doesn’t he just pretend he enjoys it?” Roman’s voice drifts down the hall, garbled through whatever non-meat thing he happens to be eating. “Pretend like he actually likes us for once, I don’t know.”

“Roman, it’s fine. Food just isn’t his thing,” Patton responds. Logan licks his lips, feeling the residing taste there. Even a forceful wiping of his bare hands isn’t enough to get rid of it.

“He’s just so weird sometimes. Why can’t he just be normal or something?” Roman again. No input from Virgil. Not even a word, let alone one to defend him. Logan shuts the door softly, furrowing his eyebrows. They aren’t human, their words shouldn’t hurt him. If he just rebuilds the walls around the heart he doesn’t have, he’ll be fine. Not like his feelings are real, anyway.

————–

Exoskeleton - ek’sō-skel’ə-tən - (Gr. exō, outside, + skeletos, hard) - Derived from the annelid cuticle but hardened by addition of chitin and sometimes calcium to be tough, chemically resistant, and waterproof, with proteins for flexibility and chitin for strength.

Logan scowls at the bright screen of his laptop as he hunches over it on the couch. Just a few more paragraphs, a little more research, and he can have this project finished for Thomas before it becomes a problem. As long as no one else has to lose sleep over it, Logan doesn’t mind the rapidly forming bags of exhaustion under his eyes. Thomas is happy, and that’s all that matters. That’s the only reason the sides exist, is to help him.

“What’re you still doing up?” Virgil asks, shifting from under a blanket on the other couch. To tell the truth, he’d been there the entire night, shivering away when Logan had come in, laptop in one hand, stacks of notebook paper and pens in the other. Rather than wake the hoodie-clad side, Logan tossed a blanket over him before sitting on the adjacent couch and getting to work. Sure, he could’ve done just as much in his room, but with the sounds of Roman living out his dreams in his sleep across the hall? Not so much.

“Working.” Logan continues maneuvering his fingers over the trackpad with one hand, scribbling furiously on lined paper with the other.

“On what? There’s nothing big due yet, Thomas said so himself when we were setting up the last video.” Virgil’s voice is slow as he struggles to pick it up, sleep trying to pull him back down into oblivion. Logan doesn’t let his eyes drift to the hair poking out of the blanket, or to the tired eyes illuminated by the glow of the computer screen.

“Getting ahead. Project’s due in a few weeks, but he wants to do another three videos in that time frame, too. Need to be prepared.” Logan fights the rising yawn in his chest, determined not to show how much of a toll the work has taken on him. He isn’t real, anyway, so the physical and mental effects aren’t real, either.

“You should’ve told us, we would’ve helped you,” Virgil mumbles. His phone screen lights up the room a little more as he thumbs his way through tumblr.

“It’s fine. You three need sleep anyway.” Virgil’s protests die out as sleep takes him once more, his phone dropping to the carpet. Vindicated, Logan returns to his work with a vengeance. He had hoped at the beginning that a few paragraphs would be easy, but then paragraphs turned to pages, and pages turned to sleep he wouldn’t get back. He didn’t need it.

“Logan, you need to go to bed,” Patton announces, parading into the living room an hour or so later. Logan jolts awake, his eyes dry and his vision blurry. Glasses gone, computer dead, and a pretty line scribbled through his last page of notes. Awesome. “I have your glasses and your computer charger, now go get some sleep or you don’t get them back.” Logan scowls in the general direction of Patton’s voice, trying to glean some semblance of coherence from his writing. Nothing.

“Patton, just give me the glasses back.”

“Not until you get rest.”

“Patton. Now.”

“No! I’m not going to, and you can’t make me!”

“Hey, what’s going on here?” Roman’s voice interjects. “Logan, where are your glasses?”

“He took them.” Logan points roughly where he thinks Patton is standing. Everything is just a blob of color.

“Virgil took your glasses?”

“No, Patton did. Make him give them back, please.” A minor scuffle sounds, made all the more infuriating in that Logan can’t see what’s going on, before Roman speaks again.

“Patton, why don’t you explain why you confiscated Logan’s glasses?”

“Because he refuses to take care of himself! I’m just trying to look out for him.”

“There’s nothing to look out for!” Logan shoots back, letting his temper flare up. “I’m perfectly fine, and none of you seem any worse for it, so why can’t you leave it alone?” When none of the others respond, Logan huffs out a sigh, ignoring the papers that scatter as he stands. “Fine. Whatever. I don’t care.” He heads for his room, shouldering past the featureless blobs standing in his way as he goes.

The door slams shut behind him, an echoing bang that consumes his mind, but not before he can hear the last little comment from a voice he can’t distinguish. “We’re just trying to help. Why is he being such a freak about it?” Logan sets about rebuilding the imaginary walls surrounding his imaginary heart. Each brick shatters as soon as it’s laid.

————–

Exoskeleton - ek’sō-skel’ə-tən - (Gr. exō, outside, + skeletos, hard) - A protective outer shell that can withstand more force than the human skeleton.

“This is gonna be great!” Thomas squeals as he shuts off the camera. “This video is gonna be so awesome, I can’t wait to post it! Just gotta edit it a little and we’ll be good to go!”

“Thomas, you need ample rest before you can set about working on this project,” Logan informs him. A collective groan rises around the room.

“Can’t you let him do what he wants? Killjoy,” Roman mutters, sinking out to wherever it is he goes to sulk about Logan.

“Really, Logan, you’re the last person to be ragging on Thomas about sleep,” Patton tuts, shaking his head. He sinks out, quickly followed by a silent Virgil, leaving Logan alone with a baffled Thomas.

“What was that about?”

“You know that big research project?”

“Yeah, I knocked that out really fast. It was so easy!”

“That’s because I stayed up for a long night doing the harder work beforehand, so you’d know what you were doing when the time came for you to finish it.”

“So that’s how your work impacts mine.” Thomas nods thoughtfully. “I guess it makes sense why they were telling you to get sleep, though. That can’t be healthy for you, staying up so much.”

“It doesn’t matter. I’m not real, anyway.” Logan takes a long breath, forcing back a yawn as Thomas looks on in concern.

“What do you mean by that?”

“What is this, an interrogation?” Logan pinches his nose. “You imagined us. Me, Roman, Virgil, Patton. You made us up. We aren’t real. We’re figments of your imagination that you keep around because you feel bad about your own miserable life. If you would get over yourself and your never ending parade of problems, none of us would have a reason to exist. As it stands, we only remain to groom your ego. Figure out your own life, and we’ll be gone. If our existence depends on someone else’s state of mind, then we. Are. Not. Real.” Ignoring the look of shock and hurt on Thomas’ face, Logan sinks out. The yawn on his face looks like a scream.

————–

Exoskeleton - ek’sō-skel’ə-tən - (Gr. exō, outside, + skeletos, hard) - the external skeleton that supports and protects an animal’s body, in contrast to the internal skeleton (endoskeleton) of, for example, a human.

“You really didn’t need to hurt Thomas like that,” Roman accuses the next morning, barging in on Logan as he sips at his coffee, scrolling through his computer. “Patton’s in his room and he won’t come out, and it’s all your fault. He’s Thomas’ heart, you should know that. Logical side, remember?”

“So you, being the creative side, should be able to think of a reason for what I said, yes?” Logan clunks his cup on the table, not flinching at the arc of stray drops that scald his hand. “Or maybe you could craft some magical world in which I do what everyone wants me to, but here I am, the only side that bothers to give any thought to my actions. Patton can stay by himself, but he knows that it’s better to be with others. It’s not my fault he’s locked himself away.”

“For someone who’s supposed to be smart, you’re really stupid.” Roman scowls, folding his arms. “You need to consider how others feel.”

“I’ve said it before, I will say it again. I’m not going to protect the nonexistent feelings of nonexistent people. If you would just listen to me for once, maybe you’d know that.”

“Don’t you care that what you say hurts the rest of us?” Roman’s face crumples as Logan glares back. “Don’t you feel bad?”

“I don’t feel anything, Creativity. So you can go tell Morality and Anxiety as much, because I do not care.” Logan slams his laptop shut, not caring about the danger to the screen, and rams his shoulder into Roman’s as he passes him.

“Fine! Run to your room again, see if I care!” Roman drops himself into a chair, shouting at Logan’s retreating back. “Actually, you know what? I do care! Because I’m a good person who knows that other people have feelings!”

“Is that so?” Logan asks, stopping in his tracks. A cruel smile spreads across his face as he turns his head back to sneer at Roman. “Then would you care to explain why you were so cruel to Virgil before? Or was he just not a person until it was convenient for you?” A sharp gasp is what makes Logan lose his composure, turning back toward his bedroom door. Virgil steps out of the shadows from down the hall, his face expressionless.

“Maybe you should take some alone time.” His voice wavers between octaves, contrasting the utter lack of emotion in the rest of his face. Logan feels the imaginary walls around his imaginary heart threatening to shatter.

“I’m sure you’d know so much about that, wouldn’t you?” Logan cocks his head to the side, considering Virgil’s still form. “Given how alone you were before Thomas decided you were worth listening to. Too bad it took getting rid of you a second time for you to stick around.” Virgil’s jaw twitches, water threatening to leak from his eyes, Roman running to his side, but Logan doesn’t see any of it, slamming his door shut behind him.

The imaginary walls go back up, busily rebuilding themselves harder, stronger, better. Steeled against the soft sobs in the hall. The walls stand taller than before.

————–

Exoskeleton - ek’sō-skel’ə-tən - (Gr. exō, outside, + skeletos, hard) - Exoskeletons contain rigid and resistant components that fulfill a set of functional roles including protection, excretion, sensing, support, feeding and acting as a barrier against desiccation in terrestrial organisms.

It’s been weeks. Nothing has changed, except for Logan’s habits involving the other three. Hide out in his room, sneak to the kitchen for food, and ignore any calls for help or interaction. Basically what Virgil does, but productive. Granted, his eye bags of sleeplessness are far more pronounced than the anxious side’s, and his fingers tremble when he writes, but he’s fine. He’s getting things done. He’s making himself useful, when his opinions are what put the others off from him. He’s just being realistic. He’s just telling the truth. It isn’t his fault that they can’t accept their own nonexistent mortality.

“Hiding away from us won’t fix your problems,” Roman calls through the door. A daily occurrence at this point, and one Logan has learned to ignore. Just like always. The computer screen swims before his eyes, letters dripping into incoherent nonsense, towers of paragraphs wobbling back and forth, ready to fall off into the white oblivion of the internet. He glances at his fingers, can’t make his eyes focus, blinking too much, can’t see anything. He doesn’t remember putting his hand over there. He doesn’t remember crashing off of his chair. He doesn’t hear the shouts of concern from the hall. He doesn’t hear the replies to ignore him.

His fingers twitch over the carpet, scratching the fibers. Can’t feel anything. Shouldn’t have expected to, anyway. Not real, can’t feel, no big deal. His mind feels like an overturned bucket in a rainstorm, pounded by a million thoughts it can’t retain. He wants to scream, but he’s not real, so why bother trying? He lets his eyes bounce across the floor, at the coffee cup on the ground. He doesn’t remember knocking it over. He doesn’t remember its burning contents pouring over his bare feet. He watches with morbid fascination as his skin roasts, turning bright pink. He feels nothing.

“Logan, you really should come out,” Patton says with a knock. Cotton stuff itself in Logan’s mouth, preventing any words from escaping. Can’t respond. Why bother, anyway, if this interaction isn’t real? Nothing is real. He can’t feel anything, so why bother? “If you don’t give me a verbal answer, I’m going to come in.” Honey sludges through Logan’s head, mucking up the gears and blocking any sense of reason. He watches the coffee drip, drip, drip over his foot. The door clicks open.

“Logan, are you—Lo, what happened?” Patton darts to Logan’s side, grabbing his hand. Logan doesn’t feel it. Patton pulls at his hair, looking at the rugburns on Logan’s cheek. He doesn’t feel them. “Lo, your coffee’s everywhere. Why didn’t you ask for help?” Logan can’t even muster the energy to blink. “Roman! Get in here!” The sound of trudging feet screams in Logan’s ears, the sound of an unwilling prince, ready to assist. “Get his arm, he’s not moving.” Through some form of teamwork that Logan doesn’t move his head to watch, his arms are raised and he’s dragged down the hall to the common area, where his limp body is deposited on the couch. He doesn’t feel the way his ankle twists under him, ready to snap.

“Is he okay?” Virgil asks from the other couch, pocketing his phone.

“A little brain dead, but what else is new?” Roman scoffs. Logan doesn’t care enough to think of a witty response. He doesn’t care at all.

“Roman!” Patton hisses. “He needs food or water or something, I don’t know. We can’t leave him alone anymore, that’s for sure.” A whispered scream escapes Logan. No food, please God no. The others don’t hear it, busying themselves finding sustenance for someone who would rather wither away in solitude. Logan finds some kernel of energy deep down, whipping himself off the couch and onto the floor. His head smacks the edge of the coffee table on the way down, the world spiraling into dark. Better than this artificial hellscape the others think is reality. Why can’t they just listen to reason?

————–

Exoskeleton - ek’sō-skel’ə-tən - (Gr. exō, outside, + skeletos, hard) - Since exoskeletons are rigid, they present some limits to growth.

He wakes up back on the couch, covered with a weighted blanket, glasses at an angle on his face. The other three are squeezed onto the smaller couch, watching the television. Roman is the first to notice Logan shift, nudging the other two.

“Lo, are you okay?” Patton asks, leaping up from the couch. “We came back with food and you were on the ground and—”

“I’m fine.” Logan waves a hand flippantly. “Not real, therefore don’t get hurt.” He rises on unsteady feet, ignoring the way his sight goes fuzzy. Patton runs to block Logan before he can get past the staircase, a hand held up to emphasize it.

“Regardless of how imaginary you may think we are, we still care about you. We want you to be safe.” When Logan doesn’t respond, instead staring at the ground, Patton advances, arms outstretched for a hug. Wrong move, as Logan notices a split second before impact.

“Get off me!” Logan shouts, shoving Patton away. The latter stumbles backwards, his back slamming into the guards around the stairs, the railing digging into his back as he sinks to the ground, a look of hurt in his eyes.

“Logan, we just wanted to help. If you would just listen—”

“I don’t want to hear it, okay? I have work to do, and you three keep interrupting it with your nonsense!”

“Logan, I think you need to calm down.” Roman moves to kneel by Patton, a hand raised in defense.

“Calm down? I need to calm down? That’s rich, Roman, really. I, the logical side to Thomas, as well as a non-corporeal being, need to calm down. But wait, I don’t, do I? Because I’m not real.” Logan can see the emotions racing through the three in front of him, Virgil’s terror, Patton’s disappointment, Roman’s flaring hatred.

“Not real, huh?” Roman rises, leaving Virgil with Patton. “What we’re feeling right now isn’t real. Okay. Sure. Makes sense.”

“Just stop it, stop it both of you. Please.” Patton wavers his focus between the two, desperate to keep the situation from escalating.

“None of it’s real.” Logan crosses his arms, not backing down.

“You may not think it’s real, but what you’re feeling is,” Patton insists. “Let us help. Please.”

“Your help isn’t real, either, Morality.”

“How about this?” Roman punches Logan square in the nose, sending him crashing to the floor. “Was that real enough for you?” Roman takes Patton’s wrist in one hand, Virgil’s in the other, and marches down the hall, leaving Logan alone to rebuild his imaginary walls by his imaginary self.

The imaginary walls are not made of chitin or cartilage or calcium carbonate this time.

The imaginary walls are made of steel and diamond and graphene.

They do not break this time.

Tag List:

@sakurahayasaki @erlenmeyertrash @lemonpepperpizza @irish-newzealand-idian-dutch @milomeepit @leesacrakon @virgilmood @pantasticpanini

#sanders sides #labhwrites #mine #angst #exoskeleton #ocd tw #food mention tw #fighting tw #derealization tw #unhappy ending #logan #roman #patton #virgil #i swear this was supposed to be longer im sorry #for all two of you that want to read it #want to read it yeah okay labhras keep tellin yourself that #im not sure if this is ocd? but the food part is kind odd so just in case #hnnn this is... Not Great #ive definitely done better well say that #lookin at u txxi/cxb i will literally never beat that probably #my crowning achievement tbh and its not even crown worthy #unlike prince roman heyooooo #me? self deprecating in the tags? never #and i basically just mutilated it #probably a not if were being honest here #wait hey i know why its bad! its because theres six parts and six is a bad number #glad we solved that mystery no one wanted the answer to #anyway heres a story i guess

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lemonpoppyseeds · 3 years

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Okay now I'm just driving myself crazy bc I am now convinced I'm faking it all. What if I don't even have dpdr? And if I am faking, then is this all just the cptsd?? Like can my cptsd be this bad that I think I have a more serious dissociative disorder? Like yes, I experience derealization and depersonalization and dissociation, but maybe it's nothing. Maybe just the cptsd. I don't fucking know anymore.

And unfortunately, I don't think the therapist I just started seeing knows jack shit about dissociative disorders or is trauma informed at all. She's barely an MSW...and at this point I might actually know more having completed most of a graduate program for professional counseling (before having a mental breakdown and had to leave school) and a considerable amount of previous psychology courses before that (including completing a certification that would have gone with my graduate degree for work in alcohol and drug abuse). Before I left my home state, I had applied to become an MSW myself, but the college really fucked me over. So I also NEED a therapist that has extensive knowledge or has a Ph.D and/or is a psychologist. My incredibly helpful therapist back where my parents live also said the same thing (she is a psychologist), that I would need someone very knowledgeable and someone with a lot of experience in trauma work.

So I also feel incredibly hopeless and that I am not going to get the help I need even if I don't have a dissociative disorder (which yes I am diagnosed with dpdr, but now I'm questioning everything). Sure I can try to find another therapist, but I can't wait another 6+ months on a waitlist or dick around with insurance trying to find a more specialized therapist. I don't know what to do anymore. Everything is just bad and I don't want to keep trying anymore.

I'm 31 years old and my mental health has only gotten worse since I first started having severe enough symptoms for my parents to bring me to a doctor at 13. And I've certainly had OCD since I was much younger. Probably autism too, even my parents think that...but my mom never wanted me tested and instead just abused me into appearing normal. So what now? Just keep fighting, only to die at 60/70 (if I even make it that far with medical issues) feeling the same or worse than I do now? To have lived a horrible life just struggling to stay alive the whole time? I just want to give up. I'm so tired.

#all the trigger warnings #abuse tw #negative talk tw #negative thinking tw #imitative did #dissociative disorder #suicidal thoughts tw #ask to tag #vent

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csolarstormhealthjournal · 5 years

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Class is out, and I have a few weeks to relax before I have to get preparations started for club presidency next year. The left knee pain seems to be identified; doctor said it’s probably arthritis. Sucks, but I know basically what will make it flair up now. I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night because of soreness from my therapy workout, but luckily that does not include said arthritis. It sounds bad, but I really am enjoying my summer, and I’m really happy about my new office in club.

My psych doctor at CPP mentioned something really useful about my OCD during my last appointment. I wanted to talk to him about the actual experience of being triggered, the emotional response and the way my mind feels. It’s almost a feeling of withdrawing into myself, feeling like I’m “farther” from my senses. He identified this as Depersonalization/Derealization, one of the handful of concepts I’d been exploring for a while. I’ve been thinking about it for a while, and I’m kind of thinking that this feeling of Depersonalization might have come first, and then the OCD may have developed as a way to cope with that. Depersonalization always seems to be connected with trauma and over-stimulus, and I’ve had enough experiences with uncertainty about identity and issues about physical self-control to provide that over-stimulus on the inside rather than physically.

The OCD is how things look on the surface, but on the inside, sometimes I seem to fall apart completely separately from any trigger. It just seems to involve strong emotions and thoughts - not just a hard event like an ER visit, but a party or going to a friend’s house, or having pride for a good day’s job. Sometimes it will feel like my enthusiasm is stacked so precariously that it falls apart from lack of balance. Then of course, the triggers themselves are also stressful, but when I’m balanced out, I can usually manage them. The triggers may be kind of metaphorically relabeling the distress I’m feeling with my mind feeling or having felt “wrong”. They may be the symptom rather than the cause, but the fact that they remind me of this feeling when I’m otherwise feeling good is a stressor all on its own. It’s when I’m revved up and distracted by a dozen things that I can feel a disturbance under the surface so to say, like a circling shark. And then a trigger from above can crash everything so I end up in the water with the shark.

I am really tired, and I doubted even writing this at this point of thinking about it in case I’m jumping to conclusions or misrepresenting my own thoughts, but I consider this blog a place for rough drafts and trial and error. With all this said, I think what I’d have to seek is a way to reduce and/or manage the overstimulus that comes into my mind. Wikipedia says that it depends on the origin of the depersonalization/derealization, so if it is from trauma, treating it would involve addressing that trauma. Otherwise, I’m pretty grateful for the Effexor. It has definitely helped me be more objective about my triggers for longer periods of time.

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btssomnia · 7 years

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The Last-Agust D (BTS) Lyric Breakdown

Before you, read this I just want to let you know that I’ve just listened to The Last for the first time after it was release last year. I didn’t really want to listen to this at first because I’ve seen some articles and a few glimpse of what’s this song is all about. Those things aren’t really good for me because it gives me certain thoughts.. But after finally, gathering my thoughts and preparing my mind for what has to come, I finally listened to it and here’s what I’VE UNDERSTAND.

Again, this are MY OWN INTERPRETATION, WHAT I HAVE UNDERSTOOD so there’s A HUGE CHANCE that this’ll be wrong. And obviously, I’m not sure if this is even what he’s saying.

I only posted this for my own satisfaction ‘cause I really want to voice this out and I can’t really find someone who will listen.

So let’s get started!

Warning: Mentions of Depression, OCD, Social phobia, and other mental illness. Read at your own risk.

Source For The English Translation Of The Lyrics: https://muish.wordpress.com/2016/08/16/agust-d-bts-the-last-english-translation-and-ramblings/#comment-5378

On the dark side of a successful idol rapper

My frail self stands, a bit dangerous

Depression, compulsion, at times relapse

Hell no, maybe that’s just my true self

From the first line to the second line, it's quite obvious that he's going to talk about his dark/vulnerable side.

Then, at the third line he said that his mental illness started to worsen.

Lastly, the last line refers to the first and second line. He thinks that maybe that's his actual self not just a part of him.

Compulsion can also be be converted to OCD the here’s a brief aummary:

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is an anxiety disorder in which people have unwanted and repeated thoughts, feelings, images, and sensations (obsessions) and engage in behaviors or mental acts in response to these thoughts or obsessions.Often the person carries out the behaviors to reduce the impact or get rid of the obsessive thoughts, but this only brings temporary relief. Not performing the obsessive rituals can cause great anxiety. A person's level of OCD can be anywhere from mild to severe, but if left untreated, it can limit his or her ability to function at work or school or even to lead a comfortable existence at home or around others. (Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/obsessive-compulsive-disorder)

Damn, huh. Feeling separated from reality

Conflicts with ideals make my head hurt

Social phobia started around age 18.

Yeah, around that time my mind became more polluted

For the first line to the second line he's talking about how he's over thinking so much. Sometimes he's having second thoughts about what he should do or what he should not do or maybe he's feeling extremely anxious.

But what bothers me about this verse is this line: “Feeling separated from reality“

Is he hinting that he used to have a Depersonalization Disorder?

Brief explanation for Depersonalization Disorder:

Depersonalization disorder (DPD), also known as depersonalization-derealization syndrome, is a mental disorder in which the person has persistent or recurrent feelings of depersonalization and/or derealization. Symptoms can be classified as either depersonalization or derealization. Depersonalization is described as feeling disconnected or estranged from one's self. Individuals experiencing depersonalization may report feeling as if they are an outside observer of their own thoughts or body, and often report feeling a loss of control over their thoughts or actions.[1] In some cases, individuals may be unable to accept their reflection as their own, or they may have out-of-body experiences.[2] (Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depersonalization_disorder)

Does this mean that he can't control his actions and thoughts at that time? As if he was just merely observing himself? That he can’t accept who he is at that time?

Moving on to the the third line and the fourth line, it's safe to say that around that time is where those mental illness started.

So maybe that's about the time where he started audition in BigHit and tried to ask his parents’ permission to be a rapper but unfortunately his parents' didn't seem to agree with him.

Sometimes I’m afraid of myself too,

From the self-disgust and depression coming to play again

Min Yoongi is already dead (I killed him)

It’s been a long time since passion has died and comparing myself to others have become my daily life.

First line to the second line, it's as if he's saying that he hates himself. His depression is taking over again. In some type of occasion when a person has a depression, some people who has may feel utterly useless or they can’t accept who they are, and that causes someone to hate himself.

Third to fourth line. He said that he killed himself (Not literally obviously) but the person who used to be passionate, the person who used to dream and the person that used to hope; is now gone. But instead someone whose mind is clouded by negative thoughts, replaced him. That instead of hoping and dreaming, he just gave up and he just started to compare himself to other people who's probably more successful than him at that time. Which leads him to a probable question 'How come I’m only like this?'

The first day I visited the psychiatry department, my parents came to get counselling with me.

My parents said that they don’t know me well

I don’t know myself well either.

Then who would know? Friends? You? Nobody knows me well.

In this verse. It clearly implies that his parents and him are not that close nor he has opened up to his parents that much. Meaning they don't what kind of person their son's actually is nor what he has been going through. Then to support this conclusion, Yoongi said from the third line to the third line that he doesn't even know himself nor his friends know him that much. So I have concluded that he's also probably suffering from identity crisis at that time.

It's actually quite sad that he can't go to anyone at that time because no one can understand him because they don't know Yoongi that much. So there's a probability that he's been bottling up those feelings and fighting his demons alone.

The doctor asked me

Have you ever.. “beeeeeeep” ?

I said without hesitating, that there were times when I have.

When you go to a psychiatrist for counseling, the first things they'll ask you is the ‘Have you ever’ question.

For example:

'Have you ever harmed yourself or attempted to kill yourself?'

‘Have you ever thought of harming yourself or killing yourself’

And he answered them unhesitatingly that he've done that a few times. So in my opinion, he probably thought of doing it or worse he attempted to do it.

Like a habit, I say “uh, I don’t give a shit, I don’t give a fuck”

All those saying are, uh, trying to hide my weakness

That time I want to erase. Yeah, that day of performance that I can’t even remember,

Myself that looked back at me as I hid in the washroom, afraid of people.

Now, let’s talk about this verse. He really has a habit of saying that he doesn’t care but I have notice even before he released this track that he’s not really honest about his feelings nor what he wants. Even the members claimed that Yoongi’s not really honest with himself and he needs to learn how to be more honest about himself.

He has a tough persona, not only to his fans but to also to the other members and constantly saying that he doesn’t give a shit. But for someone who constantly say this, his actions shows how much he cares for them and what the others think of him.

For instance, There was this one time when Hoseok was alone for christmas since at he was planning on surprising his parents but unfortunately, Hoseok’s family already booked a trip somewhere without telling Hoseok ‘causing him to be alone for Christmas. When Yoongi found out about that he immediately went towards the dorms with fried chicken so he can accompany Hoseok for Christmas. Proving no matter how much he cares for his members without saying it.

Also, around 2015 during their concert in Kobe, Japan, Yoongi and Taehyung wasn’t able to attend due to nausea. Yoongi could’ve just tweeted that he apologizes for not being able to attend but no. After a few days/probably weeks (I’m so sorry I can’t remember) he went back the concert hall just to experience what his fans felt as he reflected on his actions.

Now, to talk about the third line of this verse. He was talking about a certain concert that he wants to erase also stating that he can’t remember that performance. Personally, I think he was talking about the same concert in Kobe, Japan. Perhaps, he wants to erase that memory because he thinks that he’s lacking and because he didn’t fulfil what he needs to do. And maybe, he can’t remember it because he was never there during the second day of their performance.

For the fourth line, I think he was also referring to what happened in Kobe. He tweeted that after the second day he started to lose his confidence to meet people with a clear conscience. And to reflect on his actions, he hid inside the bathroom as he stared at the mirror, most probably cried a lot while doing so.

Yoongi’s tweet:

That time I, that time I..

I thought success will make it all worthwhile

But you know, but you know

It feels like I’m becoming more of a monster as time passes.

Honestly, I’m still not sure about this verse but in my interpretation, he was talking about him being a trainee in the first and second line. In how he thinks that once he debuts he will make everything better. But then again, as time passes, he’s starting to want more than that creating a monster inside of him.

The monster called success that I paid with my youth, wants more wealth

The greed that used to be my tool is now turning to swallow me, ruin me and put a leash around my neck

Some people forcefully cover my mouth and tell me to swallow this forbidden fruit

I don’t want it. They want me to leave this garden

Let’s talk about the first line. Usually, idols train at a young age and Yoongi was no exception considering he trained when he was around 18. Just to achieve his dream to be a successful he had no choice but to train at that age. So instead of like other 18 year olds who can still have fun, Yoongi needed to do tons of part time jobs since his parents doesn’t support his decisions. He needed those jobs to continue being a trainee and support himself.

For the second line, he’s stating that the greed that he’s using to his dream has grown and he can’t control it anymore, instead it’s controlling him. Making him want more and more and just creating a monster called greed.

The third line, Yoongi is implying that some people are telling him to just accept that greed because that will help him be successful. Just like how the serpent tempted Eve to eat the forbidden fruit in exchange for knowledge. It’s as if they’re telling Yoongi to just to let the ‘monster’ take over as he continued to strive for success in his career.

For the last line, you can see Yoongi denying it, that he doesn’t want to leave the garden. Those people wants him to just embrace that greed and leave The Garden Eden but he doesn’t want that. It seems here that despite of wanting to succeed he still wants to keep his conscience clean.

Shit, shit, I get it. Please just stop.

I’m the cause of all these issues anyway, so I’ll stop on my own

If my misfortune is your happiness, I’ll gladly be unfortunate

If your target of hatred is me, I’ll stand on the guillotine for you.

I’m still not sure about this verse though. I’ve struggled with this verse the most but still here’s what I’ve understand:

Personally, in this verse I think his fighting with his parents. In the first line the way he’s saying ‘Shit Shit’ clearly means that he’s struggling and having conflicts with his mind. It’s as if like he's probably thinking some sort of things that his parents might say and he’s just telling them inside his mind to stop in a way as if he was in pain. And not to mention the fact that, his parents used to be against of his decisions of being an idol.

From the third line to the fourth line, it’s as if he keeps on blaming himself. Telling himself that he’s the one at fault and the reason why he’s having mental issues. That he’s only giving them misfortunes them misfortunes and that they probably hate him. And if he’s really the cause for all that then he’s willing to give up or even just die to end it all.

The things I had imagined become reality. The childhood dream is in front of my eyes

The little shit that performed in front of crowd of two, is now heading towards Tokyo dome

There’s only one life, so I’m going to live with more fire than anyone else.. Anyone can just live along haphazardly.

My fan my hommie my fam, don’t worry, I’m really alright now, damn

This verse basically says that the things that he used to just dream about imagine, have now come true. He used to just perform in a few amount of people, now, he’s performing in front of thousands of people.

He’s also saying that you only live once so he will work as hard more than anyone else. That he will be more passionate and live with determination while the others, unlike him, can just live without it.

And from what happened, what he achieved and where he’s standing right now, he can finally say that he’s okay. That he’s alright now.

After having denied what my essence is multiple times

My address is idol, I don’t deny it.

The anguish that dug into my mind many times

The end to wandering. There was no answer.

From the first line to the second line, it seems that he’s saying that he used to deny who he is. That maybe he didn’t really accepted the that title because most underground rappers tend to look down on idols which probably leads him to deny the fact that he’s debuting as an idol. But after experiencing what those idols experienced I think he’s saying that he’s not ashamed of it anymore. That he finally accepts who he is and he understands those idols now.

Now, for the last two lines, He’s saying that he used to strain himself, wondering whether his decision was right or what does he need to do.Then he come up with the conclusion that there’s still no answer but for now he’s just going to keep doing it to finally see the answer.

My pride that I thought I had sold out, has now become my self-respect

My fans, I hope you hold your head up high with pride. Who else would do as much as me? uh.

From Seiko to Rolex, from Ax to Gym

For the first line, he’s stating that he used to think that he sold out his pride because he became an idol but now after finally realizing, that it wasn’t that bad to be an idol, he finally gained respect to himself. Meaning he finally accepts, who he is and what he he has become.

In the second line, he’s clearly saying that he’s talking to us and it’s as if he’s saying that he hopes we’re proud of him and we can hold our heads up high as he’ve done so much as our idols.

Now for the last line, he’s talking about he’s rise for success as Seiko’s average price is $200 while Rolex’s average price is worth $10,000 and AX Korean Facility can accommodate 2000 people while Gym/Olympic Gymnastics Stadium has the capacity of 15 000 people.

The tens of thousands that nod to the gestures from my hands

Show Me the Money. It’s not that I couldn’t do it. I didn’t do it. Shit.

You guys that sold us out, it’s not that you didn’t do it. You couldn’t do it. Shit.

The roots of my creativity has tasted the world’s sweetness, bitterness, to shittiness.

The days of trying to fall asleep on the floor of the bathroom is now bittersweet memory, uh, becomes memories.

I had my debut, while holding onto my shoulder that was injured in an accident during my part-time delivery job.

To whom do you think you’re pretending to have suffered hardship?

The first line basically says the amount of people who are listening to their music, Bangtan’s music.

For the second line, He’s saying that it’s not that he didn’t had the chance for that show, it’s just that he doesn’t want to be a part of that show. Show Me The Money is where some idol-rappers are put into some kind of test to see if they’re qualified as a rapper. And personally, I think Yoongi didn’t want to be in that show because he doesn’t want anyone to judge he’s way for music or music shouldn’t be tested like that.

The third line, he’s referring to those underground rappers that looks down on idol rappers. He’s talking about how underground rappers doesn’t acknowledge how idol rappers works so hard and how difficult it is to be one. I think the term ‘sell-out’ is what the underground rappers tends to use at time. That they think becoming an idol-rapper is way easier than being an underground rapper. After Yoongi auditioned to BigHit, the underground rappers probably called him a sell-out because he gave up on being an underground rapper to achieve his dreams. He’s basically saying that it’s not that the didn’t chose to be an idol-rapper, it’s just they couldn’t do it or they can’t make it as an idol-rapper.

In the fourth line, he’s saying that the reason for all his creations is that he has experienced it all from sweetness to bitterness and even shittiness.

The fifth line, I think he’s implying his past attempt to suicide. That he used to try to ‘fall asleep in the bathroom’ but now it has now turned into just a painful memory. Because think of it, most people who attempts to hurt himself or attempts to kill themselves do it inside the bathroom.

The sixth line basically says that he had suffered so much before debuting. He have worked his ass off to the point where he even injured his shoulders. Yoongi trained without any support from his parents that’s why he had to do tons of part time jobs to support himself.

For the last line, he’s referring to those idols who pretend that they’ve suffere to get their fans’ sympathy. That what they’ve pretending they’ve gone through is nothing compare to what happened to him.

From Seiko to Rolex, from Ax to Gym

The tens of thousands that nod to the gestures from my hands

Watch me, uh. Born out of anguish

You guys that sold us out, it’s not that you didn’t do it. You couldn’t do it. Shit.

Now, for my final conclusion, I think Yoongi’s not just talking about his mental illness here. He’s telling us a story, his journey before he became who he is now. It’s as if like he’s inspiring us to never give up no matter what happens and we should continue living passionately.

That’s about it, that my long ass and not to mention extremely late analysis for Agust D’s The Last.

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missmorphoart · 5 years

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New Headspaces

Weird stuff going on today. So after making a lot of headway on ignoring my anxious thoughts, I decided it would be a great idea to dive right back into them 🙃🙃🙃 So I tried a lot of things-subconscious work today and such, but that gave me derealization/depersonalization and tremors real bad. I thought what I was experiencing previously was derealization, but idk anymore. 🤷🏼‍♀️ Prayer has been helping a lot, as has tapping on my forehead. Also I found out that when I’m playing video games, I often get anxious/OCD. I get obsessed with making all the right moves, not in an intense concentration way, but as in an “OMG ADRENALINE IF I DONT MAKE THIS COMBO IM AN IDIOT” way. Today I played Breakout and realized this-that’s why I liked it so much-it was so satisfying. But I’m learning to play games in a new way-a way that hopefully doesn’t give me anxiety. I’m focusing on concentrating intensely (but calmly) in order to play the game.

Also @ work my inner critic came to play A LOT. She came by in the form of mild irritation, then criticism towards my boyfriend, then towards me, then developed quickly into irritation towards my coworkers. I tried shutting it down, but the only thing that worked was prayer. I figured out later I was feeling anxious-I was revving myself up for no reason. It was sad-reality felt more real, but I realized that it was a really sucky form of reality to be in. Nothing seemed to be done right, every corner seemed to jut out more. I was angry/irritated at everything and everyone, and my smiles and greetings to customers felt extremely fake. It was really weird. I suppressed it as best I could and finally came out of it. Thank God. It was awful. I became my regular happy self again after a little bit.

I also had a lot of intrusive thoughts about my boyfriend-the ones that stick around, and seem to illuminate my whole life with meaning and try to take control of me, but that, when probed, reveal themselves to be nothing more than insecurity projecting itself. Today that little voice that was so sure of itself/peaceful said that all I wanted was to be alone, since no one would ever love me. It said I was better off alone. It said that everyone had left me, so what was the point in even trying to date? I should just go home and go back to bed.

Some other surprising thoughts-in my inner critic self, the quotes that were so inspirational to me just a few days before all became “stupid” and “idiotic”. My inner critic self was angry and sneering; I couldn’t understand what had happened. I think that same sensation happened last night when I was talking to my coworker and I could feel my boyfriend behind me. Something in me felt snide disgust and revulsion, and wished he would just go away. I hated that feeling. It’s not me or what I want to feel at all.

I’m beginning to question a lot of things-who am I when I’m not depressed? What do I like? What are my interests?

What I’ve found out so far-I like pink a lot more than I thought I did.

I’m learning to be ok with my interests as just casual interests-not obsessions. I still don’t know how I’ll cope without the emotional highs they gave me, but I’m learning.

Also, without my inner critic, it’s much harder to remember things. Before, I would be anxious and tense, making sure that everything was right all the time and making sure I remembered stuff, with the little critic in my head yelling at me to go faster, do this right, etc. My heart would pound and my chest would be tight. Everything around me would feel hyper-real. Now I’m working on developing a kind, nurturing inner voice that helps me to write things down and remember stuff. I’m working on praising myself whenever I get things done like that. Examples-when I was working the cash register, and when I’m writing papers sometimes.

Also-I’ve had this thought that my life will be boring without depression and anxiety-like it will be boring to be so happy all the time. Idk-I’ll have to talk to my therapist about it. 🤷🏼‍♀️

New discoveries-anxious thoughts-whenever I think that I don’t like my boyfriend, it’s likely anxiety. My heart pounds and my chest feels tight. The thought feels frantic/panicky. Tapping my forehead helps me to calm down and to see that nothing is wrong.

Anxiety, depression, and my inner critic are such huge parts of my personality that when they’re gone, I feel alone/disconnected/detached. It’s a sensation that I guess I’ll have to get used to. 🤷🏼‍♀️ If I can just remember to stay calm, and remember that anxiety, depression, and my inner critic are twisting my perceptions of my relationship, everything will be ok. With God’s help, my toolbox, and my therapist, I will be able to recover. 😆😆😆

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finding-alis · 6 years

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Fought through hell and high water to be there last night. Car, train, bus, tram, walking and throwing up the whole day, must have hit my elbows about 50 times, had my dialysis canned cause where I booked in was a private unit and would cost which no one said until yesterday (ps. No one should be made to pay $615 per dialysis treatment when most people need 3 sessions a week until their transplant which on average is 2-5 years.. that’s almost $100, 000 every year btw and I know I’m lucky to get it free cause the story is much different in other countries) 🙄 but like @tylerrjoseph said, I made it there last night, no matter how hard it’s been. Stay alive, my friends, because there are always small things that make it all worth it 💀|-/👽 @joshuadun @twentyonepilots #twentyonepilots #banditotour #rodlaverarena #autoimmunedisease #chronicillness #spoonie #kidneydisease #kidneyfailure #goodpasturesyndrome #raredisease #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #bpd #bpdrecovery #eatingdisorder #ednos #anorexianervosa #anxiety #depression #ocd #anxiety #agoraphobia #dissociation #depersonalization #derealization #cptsd #recovery #recoveringaussies #edsoldier #edfamily #insta (at Rod Laver Arena) https://www.instagram.com/p/BrW6YZKHf8z/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=mo3ayserufzb

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psychotherapyconsultants · 6 years

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Is Mental Health the New Black?

Yes, really (with a political-sized asterisk).

From Demi Lovato and Logic to Kevin Love and DeMar DeRozan, there has been a collective willingness to divulge (and personalize) mental health struggles. Demi has openly and courageously discussed her bipolar diagnosis, self-harm attempts, and rehab stints. In his powerful song 1-800-273-8255, Logic champions suicide prevention and, ultimately, delivers a message of hope (“You don’t gotta die, I want you to be alive”) against suicide ideation.

NBA All-Stars Kevin Love and DeMar DeRozan, likewise, have publicly shared their mental health scars. In his powerful Players Tribune op-ed, Love demonstrates a keen understanding — and sensitivity — toward mental health. “Mental health isn’t just an athlete thing. What you for a living doesn’t have to define who you are. This is an everyone thing,” Love poignantly writes.

But more than tabloid fodder in the latest People, what do these public disclosures really mean? From my perspective, these disclosures represent a significant breakthrough. More than just humanizing Demi and DeMar (and Logic and Love), these public admissions encourage others, perhaps fearing ridicule themselves, to openly discuss their mental health trials and tribulations. In this vein, I remember my personal anguish when considering divulging my mental health struggles (Hello, OCD! Good day, anxiety!). A deciding factor: this Sports Illustrated article. If Julian Swartz can document his OCD rituals in excruciating detail to Sports Illustrated’s millions of readers, why can’t I? And if Kevin Love can discuss the helplessness of a panic attack (and Logic can discuss his hospitalization for derealization disorder), why can’t the next generation share its mental health trials and tribulations?

We are making progress on mental health; indeed, there has been a collective (re)awakening of mental health’s searing impact on families and communities. And for, in part, forcing us to confront an uncomfortable reality — mental health affects us all, these celebrities deserve kudos.

But while these celebrities have pushed the mental health envelope — and deserve commendation for doing so, I’m anxiously awaiting the next step: a political candidate acknowledging his/her mental health struggles. Even more than acknowledging his/her mental health struggles — which admittedly would be a monumental step, I want a political candidate to run on his/her mental health issues.

Too bold? Why? We have seen political candidates openly acknowledge their mental health struggles and prevail. Lynn Rivers, a Michigan Democrat, revealed her struggles with depression during her political campaign. And in Congress, she spoke freely about her mental health. Rivers held the Congressional seat for eight years — depression be damned. But for 99% of political candidates (Rivers, Sean Barney, and Ruben Gallego duly noted), mental health is more taboo than Ashley Madison. One Republican pollster referred to it as the “kiss of death.” Vulnerability, political pundits readily note, is exploitable. And, truthfully, in our political cauldron, I can already envision the attack ads decrying a political candidate as “crazy” for acknowledging that, yes, he consults with a psychologist and, the horror, visits a psychiatrist. Politics, sadly, is a blood sport.

That said, vicious attacks ads — and the resultant character assassinations — shouldn’t stop a political candidate (and mental health sufferer) from talking about these critically important issues. 44 million Americans — more than the population of California — experience mental health issues in a given year. Despite mental health’s ubiquity — literally it affects one out of five Americans, mental health policy discussions remain clinical. Loathe to personalize the issue — and acknowledge their own mental health stumbles, detached politicians regurgitate harrowing statistics and tepidly acknowledge a failing mental health system. This formulaic response, particularly after the latest national tragedy, provides political refuge for politicians scared to talk about mental health. We need and deserve better — specifically politicians personalizing mental health in visceral terms — and, in the process, challenging mental health stigma’s vice grip within Washington and its halls of power.

These conversations, as we know, won’t be easy. But as Demi and DeMar and Logic and Love prove, attitudes toward mental health are a-changin’. With a societal shift toward mental health, the time is now for a national politician to discuss and run on a mental health platform. Indeed, this would represent the real Straight Talk Express — and stand in marked contrast to today’s standard (political) fare of platitudes, vague promises, and, ultimately, empty rhetoric on mental health.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/is-mental-health-the-new-black/

#World of Psychology

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rylovesjaz · 8 years

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Update some amount of months after I initially wrote this: I’m about to send this to you and I am scared shitless. I am somewhat excited, which sounds weird because it’s kind of depressing, but I’m glad I’m able to send it now. But mostly scared shitless. I feel like I’m a little bit better now than when I wrote this, so you should know that. You should also know that I’ve written you at least 20 other letters. I’m feeling pretty dissociated today, so that’s making this more difficult, but yeah. I hope this makes things a little bit easier to understand. I love you so much.

So. I’ve been thinking about writing this for a long time now. I’m not sure how much time has passed tbh. I’m not sure if I’ll ever get the chance to send this. I don’t even know what I’m going to end up saying, but I’m going to force myself to say something because you deserve that much from me. You deserve much more, but this is all I can do right now. I guess I’ll start with what happened. I’m not shitting you when I say that I can’t remember. I can’t remember the last time we talked or what was said or even what happened leading up to it. I’ve been told that no one really knows what happened to me because I can’t even remember. I don’t even remember the last thing that I remember. I don’t know how far I can think back because my perception of time is warped. I didn’t realize how bad my mental illness was. I have depersonalization-derealization disorder and maybe dissociated amnesia, in addition to bipolar disorder, and some symptoms of OCD (which, thankfully, are rather mild). I added links so you can read more about the stuff, if you want. I might be fucked up, but I’m still a nerd.

Back to the bipolar disorder, it’s known as a progressive disease, so, basically, it gets worse the longer it goes untreated or gets agitated (i.e. by taking the wrong medication, like antidepressants). Looking back, I’ve had symptoms since childhood, so you can imagine how much time it has had to build up. I finally realized that I have been experiencing psychosis in the form of delusions (definition: These are false beliefs that are not based in reality. For example, you think that you're being harmed or harassed; certain gestures or comments are directed at you; you have exceptional ability or fame; another person is in love with you; or a major catastrophe is about to occur.) Apparently believing vampires are going to attack you at 12 years old is not a normal thing. And I experienced a mixed episode for the first time recently- mania and depression at the same time. Holy fucking shit, it was fucking awful. Manic episodes have also worsened- I’ll stay up all night without sleeping (like right now- it’s 5 a.m.), go all day without eating, and have self-destructive urges, like wanting to drink. I’m currently in a depressed mood, but I also feel numb emotionally, which stems from the depersonalization-derealization disorder. So even though I feel like shit, I won’t cry or feel any emotion, positive or negative. I can watch a funny movie, but not find it funny.

As far as my physical health, it’s eh. I finally went to an orthopedic and found out that I fractured my tailbone and it re-healed incorrectly, so I have to have this really weird physical therapy where the therapist basically massages my butt for an hour twice a week. It’s kind of painful, but hopefully it will help the tailbone/hip/butt/leg pain I’ve been experiencing for what I think is years, but I’m not really sure. I also have arthritis in my knees because I’m fucking old. Although sometimes I forget my age.

Some other random things: Music has been everything lately. If you want to listen to what I’ve been listening to, it’s been a lot of Halsey. So much Halsey. My favorites are Control and Gasoline. James Arthur’s new album is great (especially Train Wreck), Wrong by MAX, and Gold by Imagine Dragons. I’ve been listening to the same shit on repeat forever now. I hear so many songs that make me think of you. The ones I can remember are Let Me Love the Lonely by James Arthur, I’ll Come Back For You by MAX, and Let’s Hurt Tonight by One Republic- I just heard that one.

There was something important- okay, I just remembered it as I was saying that. I’m not on meds because I haven’t found the right one. The only thing I’m currently taking is sleeping meds. What else? I’m trying to get all of this crap out of the way so I can get to the emotional stuff. My counselor said that the symptoms of depersonalization-derealization disorder get worse when I’m alone, so I basically constantly have to be around people. I’m also not allowed to read very much because apparently my brain goes ah, yes, perfect time to stop being here. That’s also why I haven’t been allowed to get online and talk to you, or at least update you. Any kind of stimuli, like watching TV or scrolling through Tumblr, for example, lets me lose touch with reality.

Now onto the emotional stuff. I honestly just need to start by saying that I’m deeply sorry. I also believe that words lose meaning over time, though, and I’ve said it so many fucking times by now. I’m sorry for saying sorry so much. I’m sorry for doing stupid shit that requires apologies. I’m sorry for going back on my apologies. If you’ve left me any messages, I’m not able to read them, so I really don’t know how you are or what you’re doing or if you hate my guts. Every time I’ve laid in bed, thinking about what I would say if I got the chance to say something to you, one of the things that always stuck out was that I had to say that I didn’t leave by choice. And it’s not important because I think it will save my ass, because I don’t deserve forgiveness at this point. But for your peace of mind, I wanted you to know that even though I can’t remember what happened, this is the accumulation of multiple mental illnesses that have gone untreated for far too long. My love for you has not wavered- even now when I feel numb, my Jaz is in the back of my mind. I also realize that this is just a bunch of thoughts strewn together in haphazard sentences, so bear with me, please. The point I want to make is that I am still deeply in love with you. Part of me hopes that you’ve moved on just because I want you to be happy. And I know that might piss you off, but true love (to me) is loving someone so much that their happiness is more important than your own. But if you haven’t moved on, that’s okay, too. If I’m in your thoughts, I hope that I’m doing stupid shit that makes you laugh and being a pain in your cute butt.

I’m a little bit afraid to send you this tbh. I keep telling my head it’s just kitten, it’s okay. But you are not just kitten. That’s an insult- you are the kitten. You are my kitten. And I am scared shitless that this will only make things worse. That I will undo whatever healing you’ve already done. Healing you had to do because of me. I’m also scared that you’re going to be angry or even more hurt or disappointed in me or whatever. I hate myself so much for whatever pain you’ve experienced because of me. Even though I can’t feel the self-hatred right now, it’s always there. Anyway baby, I am so tired right now, I don’t think I can write anymore because I can’t seem to make words into sentences and sentences into paragraphs and paragraphs into enough to tell you how sorry I am and how much I miss you and how much I love you. I love you so fucking much. I think it’s even more important to say that I care for you so fucking much. I hope that we’ll get to talk soon. I hope that you’re okay. Please always be okay. I love you an overwhelming amount.

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gaiyofanfiction · 7 years

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Save Me (9)

Chapter1: Second Time? - Chapter 2: Awake - Chapter 3: First Love - Chapter 4: Mama - Chapter 5: Reflection - Chapter 6: Lie - Chapter 7: Stigma - Chapter 8: Begin - Chapter 9: Taken - Chapter 10: Torture - Chapter 11: The Plan - Chapter 12: The Escape

Reader X Jungkook

Mental Hospital AU

Angst/Thriller/Romance

A/N: Hey everyone! Thank you for all the love of the story. We really appreciate it. We really hope you'll like this chapter. It's a little on the shorter side but we are pretty proud of it. The next chapter shall be full of drama. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: This story is pure fiction. We did take their personalities and match as best we can with illnesses, however we do not claim that the boys from BTS have these mental illnesses! Also, we did as much research as we can on each disorder. We are not meaning to offend anyone who has these illnesses at all. ALSO, WE DO KNOW BTS CHANGED THEIR ENGLISH NAME TO BEYOND THE SCENE BUT WE’RE USING BULLETPROOF BOYSCOUTS CAUSE IT FITS THE STORY BETTER. Trigger warning: Mentions of mental illness, hospitals, self harm, suicide attempt and abuse. Both Gaisho and I recommend, if you feel like you need to go to the hospital for ANY reason, please don’t be afraid to do so. It can help. If you EVER feel like you need to talk to anyone, vent, or need advice on anything, please do not hesitate to msg us! We’ve been through it all. Character Descriptions so far: Reader- Chronic Depression, Derealization Disorder and Dissociative Amnesia Jin - Narcissistic Personality Disorder (With homicidal tendencies) Suga- Narcolepsy and Chronic Depression J-Hope- Bipolar II Disorder Rap Monster- OCD and Paranoia Jimin- Explosive Anger Disorder V- Schizoaffective Disorder Jungkook- Agoraphobia

Chapter 9: Taken: “Jungkook, don't worry. The memory loss is due to the EST and is only temporary.” Rap Monster tries to reassure the younger.

Jungkook grunts in response, not even glancing at him. He's watching you sleep soundly in the wheelchair, his head resting on his arms.

“Jungkook,” Suga shakes him for a response.

Jungkook finally looks at the boys, his eyes bloodshot from crying. “I know. But the memory lost was more this time. I mean, we've forgotten things before but never a whole group of people.”

Rap Monster opens his mouth to respond but is interrupted by a very happy Jin and J-hope.

“We are good!” Jin grins as he slams down a folder on the table.

Five boys look up at them confused. “What is this?” Suga grabs the folder and opens it.

“It's Y/N’s medical file. It'll tell us why she's really in here.” J-hope smiles proudly, sitting down next to Suga.

V raises an eyebrow. “How the hell did you get this? We can't just go stealing other people's files!” He hisses.

“It says here she has ‘Derealization Disorder’ and 'Dissociative Amnesia’” Suga reads out loud.

Jimin tilts his head, “those are some big words. I've never heard of that and I've been here for over a year.”

Everyone looks to Rap Monster to translate that into a more simplified explanation. Rap Monster whistles as he looks at the file.

“Wow. Those are some of the more rare disorders. So, Derealization Disorder is basically when the person has a hard time telling the difference between what is real and what is a dream, so to speak. And Dissociative Amnesia is when the person has an interruption of their memories or thoughts. So, like how Jimin would have anger episodes or Jungkook would have anxiety attacks, Y/N would lose parts of her memory or would be in a dream-like state and think it's real.” He explains.

The boys 'ooh’ and nod. J-hope snaps his fingers. “That would explain why Y/N was freaking out in her room when Jungkook and I woke her up. She was crying and kept asking me if this was all real.”

Suga nods in understanding. “That also explains why she always looked so tired and said she had sleeping problems.”

Jungkook lifts his head up in realization. “That makes sense with how she lost so much of her memory when she had EST. The treatment must have triggered her amnesia, making it worse than if it were just from the EST.”

Jin takes the file and continues to read it. His eyes widen when he gets further into the report. “It also says she's tried to commit suicide countless times. And she's even forgot almost every time she tried.”

The boys all look at you, fast asleep in your chair. “The poor girl can't discern dreams from reality. It must be scary. And to forget every time you tried to kill yourself? I couldn't dream of it.” Jimin says in a low voice.

“I kind of understand.” All the boys turn to V. “It's scary, not knowing what's real and what's in your head. You get confused so much that the easiest thing to do would be to… End it.”

Jimin rubs circles on V’s back, knowing everything V went through.

You finally awaken from your deep sleep and look at all the seven boys in front of you with confusion. “Uhm, can I help you?”

Jungkook grabs your hand, “Y/N, i-it’s me! I’m so glad you’re -”

You quickly pull your hand away from his, “get your hands off of me, freak!”

Jungkook’s anxiety shot through the roof and he ran out the door. V ran after him while the rest stayed.

“Y/N, do you recognize us at all?” Rap Monster asks.

“Look, I don’t know who you guys are, but I’d appreciate if your little party would get out of my room.” You said with a cold glare.

Rap Monster looked to the rest of the boys and signaled them all out. You went back to sleep.

The rest of the boys caught up with V and Jungkook. V was trying to calm Jungkook down, but it wasn’t helping.

“S-she… She forgot me,” Jungkook says as tears fall into his shaky hands.

“Just give her a few more hours. Maybe her memory will come back.”

A couple of hours pass by and all the boys were just down the hall from your room waiting.

“NO, STOP. JUNGKOOK, PLEASE HELP!”

The boys jump, startled at the sudden yelling. Jungkook instantly stands up and turns to you, who has just woken up. He runs down the hall to where you are and kneels in front of you.

“Hey, Y/N! It's okay, I'm right here!” he grabs your arm and shakes you awake. You open your eyes and look around wildly. Your eyes land on Jungkook and you're suddenly overtaken with emotion. You throw your arms around him and bury your head into his shoulder. He's taken aback but quickly recovers and hugs you tightly. “It's okay baby, I'm not going anywhere.”

“Kookie, I'm so sorry I forgot about you and everyone. I couldn't help it. The EST and then my amnesia…” you sniffle.

He rubs your back and shushes you. “It's alright, Y/N. I know. We all know about the amnesia.”

You pull back gently and look at him confused. He rubs the back of his neck sheepishly. “Well, you see, J-hope and Jin decided to steal your medical file.” He grins his bunny grin and rolls you over to the rest of the group.

The boys all smile at you and tell you how happy they are to see you remembering everything. You smile back and thank them. You notice that your file is open on the table and you raise an eyebrow.

Jin’s smile widens into a look of pride. “Look what we have accomplished, Y/N! Well, it was mostly me. It was my brilliant plan and it was executed brilliantly by mwah.” J-hope glares at his friend, who glances back nervously. “Oh and J-hope helped.”

You chuckle, “I see that. Well, I guess that saves me time in explaining why I'm here.”

Suga places a hand over yours, the action getting a small pout from Jungkook. “Why didn't you tell us sooner?”

Your smile fades and you look down out of guilt. “I never have good luck when it comes to those issues I have. Every time someone finds out, they end up leaving me because they can't handle it.” Your voice drops down to an almost whisper. “I didn't want you guys to be another one just to leave me. So I tried to hide it.”

J-hope shakes his head and brings your chin up with his finger to look at him, also an act that didn't go unnoticed by the youngest. “Y/N, all of us has problems. You honestly thought we'd leave if we found out?”

“You helped us with our issues, you listened to us and didn't judge based off what goes on up here,” V points to his head. “So we aren't going to judge you or leave you just because of your past or what goes on inside your head.”

The boys nod in agreement. You smile at all the seven boys. 'These seven are really something special.’

“Thank you all so much. I really appreciate it more than you know.” you squeeze Jungkook’s hand and smile up at him.

Suddenly you all hear the door to the room slam open, revealing the overly happy nurse and two male nurses. They stalk up to the table you and the boys are sitting at, making you all stiffen in anticipation.

“Ms. Y/L/N and Mr. Jeon, if you'll please come with us.” The nurse gives her sickly sweet smile.

You furrow your brows in confusion and look up at Jungkook, who suddenly stood in front of you as to block you from something.

Rap Monster stands up, narrowing his eyes. “What do you need with Y/N and Jungkook?”

The nurse blinks and then laughs her high pitched irritating fake laugh. “Awe, Mr. Kim. It's so cute that you pretend to be the leader of the group.”

You and Jungkook slowly start to follow the nurse, but just before you both leave the room Rap Monster whispers to you both, “be careful and don’t be too crass. Just get yourselves back in one piece… I mean it.”

The both of you nod to Rap Monster and head out. Suddenly you and Jungkook were injected with a sedative by two nurses.

Jimin shot up, “WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING!?”

Dr. Choi appears before Jimin and smirks. “Now, now… I suggest you calm down and be a sheep just like the rest of your little crew, otherwise you’ll meet the same fate as these two.”

Jimin was shaking with anger, but bit his tongue and sat down.

The boys helplessly watch you both being dragged by the nurses. They plopped your limp bodies into upright chairs in a cold, dingy treatment room.

The both of you were strapped to chairs that were purposely situated so that you were facing Jungkook.

“Wake them up,” Dr. Choi instructed the nurses. One nurse slapped Jungkook as the other attempted to wake you up.

You slowly come to and notice Jungkook staring right back with woeful eyes. His expression made your heart break.

“It’s going to be okay, Kookie. I promise,” you gave him a smile to try to make him feel better, but you knew something bad was about to happen.

“Alright. Let’s proceed. Usually EST, or electroshock therapy, is administered after a patient is sedated. However, after multiple sessions with Mr. Jeon, it seems EST is no longer the best solution. While efforts were futile, it was then we noticed that a change in behavior was made when another patient was involved…” Dr. Choi says as he stops behind you and puts a hand on your shoulder sending shivers down your spine.

Jungkook grew angry and growled. ‘No. He can’t… This sick bastard!’

Immediately you caught on. You tried to calm Jungkook down, “Kookie, please… Stay calm. Remember what Rap Monster said.”

It was too late. “You… YOU GET YOUR DAMN HANDS OFF HER!” Jungkook yelled.

Dr. Choi snickered, “now that’s what I like to see. Hook her up.”

The nurses started to put different color-coded leads on your head. You shook furiously, but they still managed to get them on. They stuffed a towel in your mouth as well.

Jungkook’s eyes widened and his breathing became more rapid, “n-no… You wouldn’t dare…”

[Masterlist]

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