#smoke grass eat ass

[sharpth1ng]

Stu wearing the 1st one around Nancy

Stu ABSOLUTELY wearing the 1st around Nancy.

Nancy: “Thank god, I couldn’t stand the Prescott girl. Now- Stuart, honey, do you want to take some leftovers home? Billy will say no.”

Stu buying the ‘skip school, take hormones, kill god’ shirt, and Billy being like “….Yeah actually, ok. I’ll keep this one.”

It’s so funny because I’m pretty sure I’ve sent both the sloppy one & the A Damn Hard Dick one to @lucidalcomings in this exact context, glad we’re all on the same page here

THE FUCKING EAT ASS HAT HELP ME

[echinoidia]

Self insert egomania - Timelapses are on IG highlights w the rest ❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥

[ijustthinkhesneat]

I’m an Alfred/Martha/Thomas truther. Like Alfred is a baddie in his 80s you all know he must have been a slice back in the day. And it is canon Martha and Thomas were smoke shows.

Like let hot people get it. Let hot men kiss while their wife turns mobsters kneecaps into flour with a baseball bat.

[sakuraryomen01]

while i'm writing, i got a question

would u eat ass for ur babes if they asked or nah? if it was one of the hubbies, they getting them cakes ate like thanksgiving dinner

...

i'm going to touch grass-

[mia-marshmellow]

Goofy goobers

[revenant-dumpster-fire]

One of my friends got a warning from EA for their name being "Shit Grass, Eat Ass". (I had the duo name "Skate Fast, Smoke Grass" which was apparently fine.)

Either they managed to kill a developer or someone reported them specifically, because I have seen astronomically worse names in the kill feed on a regular basis, and personally I love the things people come up with.

Legitimately I don't even know why they care when the ESRB reliquinshes the company of all liability the moment the player goes online. It's not like there's a slur in there or anything. Why can't people be silly?

All this to say,

God forbid Apex Legends players do anything and have fun with it.

Anyways don't think to hard about this post, I just found humor in it.

[somethingusefulfromflorida]

Whenever I go for a long drive by myself I start making up little gibberish songs or reading billboards in dumb voices, just inane stuff to pass the time. Most of the time I don't even realize I'm doing it. I got extra bored today, so I turned on my playlist as I drove through the countryside. Eventually, Annie Lennox's Walking on Broken Glass started playing, and I found myself singing along, half correctly, and half in gibberish, weaving in and out at random. Near the end I transitioned entirely from gibberish to English, but instead of the correct lyrics I started singing "I'll keep on eating your big fat ass, eating your, eating your big fat ass."

The very next song on shuffle, I shit you not, was Fat Bottomed Girls by Queen. I felt like the planets alligned in that one perfect moment and providence shined down to reward my artistic genius in the most satisfying and meaningless way possible. That will never happen again. I'm over the hump.

[superducky800]

everyone knows that you eat ass at denys and pussy at ihop, ihop is just classy like that

[pingpongballz]

I love tumblr cause I've had this account for like 3 years and just learned I only have 2 followers and I'm not even upset

[goddesslunaris]

[red0-3]

[karmaphone]

some bitch really paid money to blaze a post about the kardashians on the one website that don't give a shit about them huh

[oneknightlight]

I woke up this morning with more audacity then I have storage for

[dannyisloud]

"Revenge is a dish best served cold" is bs. I'll just serve it hot and 'haaaaah ha ha gah haa' my way through kicking your ass on the spot.

[wrightingdungeon]

SDV Bachelor domestic headcanons

MDNI

Just some headcanons, not anything nsfw but they are adults, and I hit the zaaaaa so these will be dumb, like dumb dumb

Alex:

He has full-on elbowed you when he woke up a few times. Forgive him he's not used to sleeping with someone and he likes to stretch when he wakes up. 

If you have a dog he’s definitely buying one of those running leashes, the one that goes around the hips. Who will tire who out first?

Usually the dog gives out first, and he carries them back home cooing at them like they are a baby… they are

Modifies your home with Robin's help so George and Evelyn can visit

Evelyn, how did you feed this boi? He’s burning through calories 

Especially after helping pick up the farm work…. Sweaty Alex… Cowboy lookin fine ass… Horny jail….

Elliott:

Journals EVERYWHERE, all of them have different ideas, title workings, and little ideas that just popped into his head.

Sits on the front porch head in hand watching you pick fruit, mumbling something like

From tiny seeds to branches high. With gentle hands, they pluck the prize.

Loves to shower with you, he just holds you helps wash your hair, and scrubs your back. Tell you how pretty/handsome you are.

Bought you both matching bathrobes

Tell me he doesn't sleep with a bonnet, look at that silky hair. 

Matching silk pillowcase as well

I imagine this man is a mover in his sleep, and wakes up lookin like the Peter Griffin dead pose meme

Harvey:

The first night yall are married he cant sleep, he's just watching you. Playing with your hair giggling like he was high, he was high of how happy he was.

Has just as many self-care products if not more then Elliott, his mustache looks sculpted, you don't get that look without gel and a little mustache comb

He has a little pocket mustache comb you bought him as a joke but he loves it

Wears an apron when he cooks. Wait where did his go? Why is there a maid one in its place.... Horny Jail....

Charges you for passing out or almost dying to fund his therapy visits, you caused this farmer, look at the gray hairs.

Silver fox Harvey that's all I'm saying

Sebastian:

Good luck getting out of bed, hes like a fuckin backpack

Wakes up eyes not even open just pawing around for whatever hes trying to find.

Eyes are all bloodshot cus he was up all night working, sitting on the porch with his coffee, smoking, petting your pet

Doesn't fully wake up till about high noon

Helps out on the farm, but still does his own thing.

Stays out late with Sam and Abigail practicing for their upcoming gig, you both usually see each other returning home around one am

Momma Boi still goes to Robins for dinner every now and again

Sam:

Puppy at your heels, you go one way hes there. Forgot something? Turn around and trip over his feet

Loves living on the farm with you because now he can crank the tunes all the way up, and you can hear his speakers while you're in the field

Falls asleep anywhere, the porch, the couch, lying down in the grass with the dog/cat

If you cooked it hes eating it, he does the same for his mom

When Kent is back he babysits Vincent some nights

Speaking of, when he Vincent and Jas all get together good luck on the unsuspecting person about to get pranked.

Shane

Its law you adopt Jas, i said it, it cant be broken

Taking Jas to school, returning and helping you with the farm

He and Jas chant “Pizza,Pizza,Pizza” over and over when you ask what is for dinner

Warm, squishy, cuddly, bear hugs in the morning. Hes another backpack boi

When he's awake though, unless you are at home, light PDA

Works with Haley to learn his video camera more, its another hobby to keep him busy

First time seeing you wearing one of his shirts, the shirt is no longer on you… Horny Jail…

[ludicdoll]

𝐊𝐄𝐄𝐏 𝐔𝐏 — farleigh start ☆

pairing: farleigh start x fem!reader

warnings: farleigh being a little bitch, cussing, smut, eating u out like chinese takeout, a little banter, lowkey enemies to lovers type of thing

synopsis: you spend your first few days of summer at the saltburn estate. luckily for you, farleigh doesn’t seem to like you that much.

a/n: working on a few requests rnnn send in some moree!! this is for my stinkabutt @uch3na

you spread out on the lounge chair, silently sun bathing as you ponder at a magazine. you watch as felix and farleigh swim around in the vast pond. you turn your head over to venetia, smoking in front of you. she’s laid out with a towel underneath her, looking very intrigued with what she’s reading. you had been friends with her for a while now, and to your surprise, she had invited you to spend the summer at the saltburn estate. she had to convince you for weeks until you said finally said yes. you close your eyes, breathing in the fresh summer air. suddenly, you feel a giant wave of water drenching you. you yelp, immediately sitting up to see venetia quickly running back.

“what the fuck?” venetia yells out. the two boys laugh to themselves, a satisfied look on farleigh’s face. “you’re such an ass!” she grabs her stuff hastily as she sets her stuff back down elsewhere. you roll your eyes when you see farleigh waving his fingers at you mockingly.

you flip over your towel, placing on your shades before laying back down. after a while, you hear the sound of water sloshing around. farleigh gets out of the water, grabbing his towel from the grass. you watch as he pats himself down before joining you on the lounge chair next to you. he reaches over to the table, lighting up a cigarette. you hear him sigh in relief as he adjusts himself in the chair. “slutty bikini,” he mumbles under his breath. you turn, lifting your sunglasses up to get a better view of his face, “excuse you?” he turns back, his hand reaching out to you, another cigar between his fingers. he’s offering you one. you shake your head roughly, “i don’t smoke.” you reply. he scoffs, you can tell he’s rolling his eyes behind those sunglasses. “of course you don’t,” he murmured as he places the cigarette back in the pack.

“it’s harmful,” you start, “i’m trying to keep my body clean.” he almost laughs in your face when you finish your sentence. “yea, well you drink like a sailor.” you turn to him, scowling. “you run through ten packs of cigs each day.” he clicks his tongue, shaking his head. “so? you’re the one that drinks away all of your problems.” he grumbled. you sit up, almost offended at his snarky remark. “oh c’mon, farleigh calm down.” felix intervenes. you lean back into your chair, crossing your arms. felix gets off the floatie in the water, walking over to you two. he stops abruptly, taking a sip from the cold lemonade on the table before placing his hands on his hips. felix turns his head back and forth to you and farleigh, a frown on his face. “this doesn’t sound like harmless banter anymore.” he says. farleigh shrugs, avoiding eye contact. “let it rest.” felix directs to farleigh before jumping back into the water. you huff in frustration, ignoring farleigh muttering quiet insults towards you.

you stir your soup with your spoon, glancing around occasionally to everyone else at the dinner table. you were surprised to see that everyone was almost halfway finished with their food, venetia on the other hand was just staring down at her bowl. “dear, aren’t you going to eat?” elspeth asks with a motherly smile on her face, you look over to her end of the table, nervously biting your bottom lip. to be frank, the soup was disgusting. you didn’t know what it was, but it was gross. “i happen to have an upset stomach tonight, im sorry.” you reply. “really?” farleigh buds in. “you seemed to be perfectly fine during brunch.” he says while slurping the soup into his mouth. you see venetia roll her eyes at him. elspeth turns back at you, almost like she was waiting for an answer. you furrow your brows at farleigh, pissed with his childish behavior.

“maybe i’ve gotten a stomach bug.” you say to elspeth with a smile. she nods before going back to her food. felix stares at farleigh, almost like he was communicating with his eyes. whatever it was, farleigh had stayed quiet for the entirety of the meal. after dinner — everyone said goodnight, then went their separate ways to their bedrooms. you walk up to your guest bedroom, undressing yourself from the fancy dress you were forced to put on for dinner into your night gown. you make your way to the bathroom, brushing your teeth. coincidentally, your bedroom was right next to farleigh’s. due to your rooms being so close, you could hear farleigh blasting music. you groan, spitting out your toothpaste and jumping back in bed.

you stare up at the ceiling, trying to ignore farleigh’s music through the walls. after a few minutes, you turn to your side, covering your ears with the pillow — still, nothing worked to muffle the sounds. you sit up, throwing your legs over the bed and walking down the hall to farleigh’s room. you don’t bother knocking, just barging in. farleigh’s in bed, an arm behind his head while the other was flipping through a magazine. you turn a knob on his radio, the volume lowers. you clear your throat, arms crossed. annoyed, farleigh drops his magazine into his lap, looking over at you in his doorway. he sits up, leaning back on the palm of his hands. he tilts his head to the side, raising a brow.

“what the fuck is your problem, why are you still up at this hour?” you whisper-yell. he rolls his eyes, looking into his lap. “are you trying to piss me off?” you push again, “you know, people are trying to sleep.” farleigh scoffs, lulling his head back. “and? this isn’t your home.” he snaps back. you stretch out your arms before they fall to your side. “this isn’t yours either, more like a personal fucking playground.” you reply. “you keep trying to start shit with me ever since i got here.” he straightens up, acting intrigued in what you had to say. “you know, i don’t understand why venetia likes you so much. i can see right through you.”

you widen your eyes, almost laughing at his response. “yea? i’m just trying to have a good summer, and i don’t give a shit what you think. you need to lay off, it’s getting annoying.” your hands settle on your hips. he glares at you in silence, an irritated look on his face. “if you don’t give a shit, why are you in my room?” he says with an arrogant smirk on his face. you stutter, trying to think of something to say. “because you’re blasting your music at twelve in the fucking morning.” you point to his radio, crossing your arms back in front of your chest. “keep it down, and maybe i won’t bother you.”

“i find that hard to believe.” farleigh breathes out as he picks up the magazine again. he start flipping through the pages like he’s reading, occasionally looking over at you with that same smug look. you stomp closer to the end of his bed, pointing an accusing finger at him. “i swear, if you keep pulling this bullshit with me, i’m gonna make sure the remainder of your summer goes to shit.” you threaten, he doesn’t react, only looking up at you with an amused expression. he closes the magazine before sliding off the bed and walking towards you. you step back as he gets closer, his height towering over you. you swallow, a nervous knot forming in your stomach. “you’re not gonna do anything.” he breathes out.

your only a few inches away from his face when you feel a hand travel up to the back of your neck, his lips grazing over yours. the sudden movement causes you to whimper. he looks down at you, his eyes filled with passion. his hands find their way to your waist. he pushes you against the closed door — kissing your neck. you moan, rolling your head back. “i fucking hate you,” you whisper. “i know,” he says while his hand gropes your breasts. the ache between your legs spreads throughout your body like a fever, and farleigh could sense it. he plays around with the lace hem of your panties, his breath brushing up against your ear.

you groan, grabbing at his hand. “stop doing that.” you whimper, “stop doing what?” he asks smugly. you stay quiet — realizing he’s amused by your slight whining. he flashes a smirk at you, his fingers making their way to your pussy. farleigh kisses down your chest, you feel himself grind against your stomach while his fingers spread you out. you bite back a moan when farleigh ghosts past your clit, teasing you. he watches your face closely as he slides his fingers inside of you slowly. your knees feel weak, trembling under his touch. “if you hate me so much, why are you soaked?” he questions. you avoid his question while looking away. he tilts his head the to side to kiss you, his fingers sliding in and out of you.

“fuck, farleigh.” you moan softly trying to keep your voice down so the whole family doesn’t hear you. farleigh rubs circles over your clit, his eyes locked onto you. he keeps his pace slow and deliberate — almost like he was mocking you. he liked keeping you on your toes, constantly needing all of him. “how long have you pretended to hate me, huh?” he groans out as you squirm. you roll your eyes from the pleasure, but also from his conceited question. “shut up.” he laughs, shrugging before going in to kiss your parted lips. he pulls his fingers out, the wet squelching sounds making you slightly embarrassed. he ghosts his thumb over your clit again, smirking. “c’mere,” he mutters as he softly tugs you close to the bed.

you lay down on the comforter, your legs handing off the edge of the bed. you watch as he kneels down, kissing up from your calves to your thighs carefully. the tension in the room is heavy, thick with desire and lust. he kisses the inner part of your thigh before moving his lips closer to your clothed pussy. you feel him press a kiss on the fabric before he slides them off to your ankles. his face is hidden under your silk dress, but you don’t need to see him to vision his pretty brown eyes looking up at you. he licks at your dripping cunt, lifting your legs up to rest atop his broad shoulders.

his sharp teeth grazes your sensitive flesh, nipping and kissing your thighs until his bite marks sinks into your skin. he’s sloppy, burying his face deep between your legs, and lapping at your clit repeatedly, drooling all over it and groping at your thighs. he clings onto your figure, suffocating himself with your legs and your pretty pussy. “mhm, mmm..” he hums out. farleigh doesn’t wanna breathe, just wants to continue fucking you with his mouth until he makes a mess out of you. he wants you to feel embarrassed and ashamed of letting him do this to you.

farleigh groans under the dress, his cruel tongue swirling over your swollen clit. you curl your toes, biting down on your bottom lip to hide your lewd sighs. he licks a long stripe down your pussy, savoring your taste on his tongue. you tense up when you feel his tongue seeping inside of you. his soft hands come up to grip your skin, his nails digging into the plush of your soft thighs. “just like that,” you arch your back, gripping onto the blanket for dear life. one of his hands come back down to your pussy, his thumb playing around with your clit. you whine at the sensitivity as you start tearing up. you were pissed at yourself for enjoying this moment so much, farleigh was never going to let this night go. he would use this against you in every argument, maybe even blackmail you with this.

his nose presses up against your pussy as he eats you out like a desperate starved man. “farleigh, please, please let me cum — oh fuck!” you moan loudly when his circular motions on your clit intensifies, causing you to beg and cry for that sweet release you wanted so badly. farleigh continues to flick his tongue deep inside of you, your wetness all over his face. you hear him groaning as you realize you’re reaching your peak. your dripping cunt is throbbing in arousal, your hair is a disheveled mess, your night gown has now completely fallen down your shoulders. you arch your back, feeling the sudden ecstasy run through your body like electricity. you sob when you feel yourself squirting all over farleigh’s face, your body jolting up from the sudden pleasure. you shiver, realizing you’re too weak to get up.

farleigh peaks his head up from under your nightgown, his eyes glued onto your pussy dripping with his saliva and your cum. he has a light playful smirk on his face, not too noticeable in the dim atmosphere in his room. you see his spit and your wetness dripping down his chin. he pulls your legs up to your chest, watching as his fingers slide down the folds of your pussy one last time before licking his hands off. your tears are dried on your face, glossy eyes looking up at his large towering figure. farleigh leans down just inches away from your face. “you still hate me now?” he asks.

© do not publish my writings on other sites.