#sometimes you can’t forgive people for the things they’ve done

[spillsways]

spillways really is THAT song for me. like the whole “fuck forgiveness let yourself be bitter and you’re allowed to feel that way AND it’s okay to be angry and even though you try to bury that shit deep inside of you and move on IT’S OKAY TO LET IT OUT and be PISSED” vibe of the song hits directly home. that shit really does just resonate so much with my trauma

[c-t-r-l14]

Dontis Is Written So Amazingly Well.

It wasn’t a surprise when I found out he killed people. It was implied in the first episode we’ve seen him in that he did some things that he wasn’t proud of; and in the second episode, he even told the hunter that it was a shame he couldn’t get drunk, because there was some things things that he’d rather forget; even if it was for a little while. Him killing people in order to survive didn’t make him a bad person—and when you live a life as a being like Dontis or Xanthus—you will eventually get into situations where killing to survive or dying at the hands of your enemies will bring you an ultimatum.

What surprised me was that Dontis wasn’t always this wise and gentle.

Before this audio, I thought that he’d only kill out of necessity—that he’d exhaust all his other options first before he’d think about taking another person’s life. I thought that he’d always tried to help people out, make sure to protect the innocent when needed, and try to understand all the sides before he passes judgement onto other people. But that was never the case.

Dontis was once cruel. He had betrayed innocent people. Dontis was once selfish. He put other people in harms way so he could be able to live another day. He trusted no one, and was wary of the world. He wasn’t filled with faith, nor optimism, nor empathy, nor understanding.

He was not filled with love.

He did these things because in a world full of humans and supernaturals—one of them will try their hardest to be on top of the food chain. In this world, the strong survive, and the weak perish. In this world, it is kill or be killed. And as far as Dontis knew, there was no room for kindness or trust.

One of the things I really loved about this audio was that we were indirectly shown Dontis’ thought process when it came to him forgiving hunter listener for everything they have done. Before, he’d preach about how “all someone needs is a helping hand,” and, “sometimes, a little kindness goes a long way,” and while I do I agree with sentiment, I still couldn’t wrap my head around how exactly Dontis could be so forgiving to the people who had wronged him so badly. And now, because of this audio, I finally get it.

Dontis was in their place once, too.

He knows what it’s like to be filled with hate and spite; to drown in it and have it consume you—and rule your life. He knows what it’s like to take a life; he’s done horrible things too. The reason why he’s so forgiving is simply because he’s probably experienced what they’ve went through, too. And he feels like he can’t judge people because that’d simply make him a hypocrite—because he has done bad things, too. He had made terrible choices. Choices he will have to live with. Choices he will regret for the rest of his life. And when Dontis gives advice or comforts others, I get the strong feeling that he is trying to be the companion he wished he had during those first few decades of his life.

Another thing I really loved about this audio was how it showed that Hunter listener and Dontis are parallels of each other. Dontis was young, and full of spite and wariness. When he had met that Turkish woman, he really thought that she was going to be just like all the rest of the humans he’d met before her. He thought that she wouldn’t hesitate to sell him out if it meant saving her life—or that she’d use and abuse him, but that was never the case. She simply needed love. She simply wanted company. This woman single handedly showed Dontis that not every single human he was going to meet would bad person. And as ironic as it sounds, her actions made Dontis gain some humanity of his own.

When hunter listener finally caught and trapped Dontis, they were just like him when he was younger. They hated supernatural beings and killed them before even getting a chance to know them—simply because they knew WHAT they were without getting to know WHO they were. But, in a strange turn of events, it was Dontis who made them realize the truth. It was Dontis who helped them forget their pain for a little while; Dontis, who gave them a second chance at living a good life—free from all the violence and acts of terror they have committed. And it was Dontis who have given them a different perspective on the beings they have once despised and condemned.

The lady is to Dontis as Dontis is to the hunter.

I feel like Dontis’ story—all of the struggles, pain, and suffering he has went through in order to become the beautiful, loving, caring person he is today, really reminds people that compassion and empathy aren’t things you are born with; nor is hatred and spite. Those behaviors are learned and taught. And I have totally forgotten that—because up until today, I’ve only gotten to see the type of person Dontis has become, and never thought about the type of person he once was.

Saku’s mind—his ability to write characters with so much depth and development—is absolutely insane. And honestly, this audio makes me love and appreciate Dontis even more than before.

Masterlist

[simlit]

Chosen of the Sun | | forest // eighty-one

| @sani-sims

next / previous / beginning

KYRIE: Mm. She takes her job personally. Not that she really ever cared for us. Being entrusted with our guardianship went to her head years ago. I always remember her arguing with the council about what we ought or ought not to be doing. She never liked sharing the responsibility. Guess it made her feel important lording over God’s chosen. EVE: She acts as if you’re still a child. KYRIE: I don’t think she could ever see me otherwise. EVE: Do you ever miss your real mother? Don’t you… wonder about her? KYRIE: Hard to miss something you’ve never known. I could say I wish I’d had the chance to know her, but then… I wouldn’t be here if she hadn’t been complacent in surrendering us to the church in the first place. EVE: I never knew my mother, either. Yet, I often dreamed of how my life would have been different had she lived. When I would see other children with their mothers, the happiness they showed… it made me yearn for something I, too, had never felt, but still wanted, deeply. KYRIE: In a way I envy you. I haven’t the imagination to fathom things like that; Whatever it must have been like to grow up as someone else. EVE: But you had your sister. KYRIE: Yes… I had her. EVE: Kyrie, you shouldn’t give up hope that she might still be alive. Tell me, honestly. Is that the real reason behind your decision? KYRIE: I don’t know… Maybe. I just don’t see the point anymore. I had hope. But I can’t feel her. It’s just… silent. Is it better to think she’s out there somewhere, in pain and alone? I don’t know. Everything is so dark. EVE: Surely, she wouldn’t want this for you. And she’s not the only one. There are people who care for you now. KYRIE: I could hardly believe that. EVE: It’s true. Don’t you think I worry for you? KYRIE: You’re… different. EVE: I’m not the only one. Kyrie there’s… something you should know. KYRIE: What do you mean? EVE: I… was nervous to tell you. I don’t know if this is something you should hear now, considering your condition, but if I don’t… If your sight returns, perhaps just saying so now would be kinder. KYRIE: Eve? EVE: It’s Tayuin… He’s gone after that witch. The one who cast the curse. KYRIE: He’s… what? EVE: He, Eira and Lord’Tevus left sometime in the night. Only a few of us know they’ve gone. I expect that’s for the better. KYRIE: But… how… Why? EVE: Isn’t it obvious? To save you. KYRIE: That’s— I’ll… I’ll go, then. I’ll go after them, I— EVE: You’re in no condition to do anything. And certainly not the type to go traversing dangerous terrain. KYRIE: I can’t let them. This is all— EVE: It’s done, Kyrie. You’ve nothing to do now but accept that. KYRIE: How can I? If something happens to them— EVE: Calm down. You’ll exert yourself too much. KYRIE: But… EVE: You know they’re capable fighters. And clever. Well… KYRIE: laughs Some more than others. EVE: If for no other reason, I will acknowledge Lord Tev’us is a powerful force. Though, I would be lying if I said it didn’t concern me greatly to hear he’d gone along. On the one hand, his abilities are nearly unmatched. On the other, it’s hard to know where his loyalties lay. If he has any at all. I admit, part of me thinks he’s only gone for selfish reasons. He’s shown us well enough he cares for no one but himself. KYRIE: I know your experiences with him have been unfavorable. However, I… don’t know if what you say is the heart of it. EVE: What do you mean? KYRIE: Lord Tev’us is… complicated. Perhaps, not easy to like. EVE: Not easy to like? He’s callous and self-serving. Do you forgive all that he has done? KYRIE: I didn’t say that. But I needn’t forgive him to understand that he and I have wildly different perspectives. That doesn’t mean I agree with his, nor that I think he’s absolved of judgement. But do I think that he is beyond redemption? Do I think him incapable of caring for anyone outside himself? KYRIE: My answer to that is…

[daebraeksan]

Scared to talk to Bachira about him hurting your feelings (but then you do it and he apologizes and you forgive him)

Genre: comfort, established relationship, pro player Bachira

Contents: anxiety, insecurity, implied trauma, trust issues, fear of confrontation

Wc: 1289

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

You’re in a little bit of a catastrophic spiral. You feel really tender and sensitive and like anything could send you over the edge. You feel like you’ve done everything wrong (what specifically? Everything. What more explanation could you possibly want?) and you feel like everything is going to be taken away from you.

You get like this sometimes. You try not to. But it’s hard to outrun a childhood. And you aren’t really trying to outrun it. You just want to be happy despite it.

Having Bachira in your life is one thing you have tried to remove from the list of things you have periodic freak outs about. You want to work on your trust issues, and you have, and you know Bachira is trustworthy. He has never done anything to prove otherwise. Logic doesn’t really help your anxieties or insecurities but you still feel the need to point out the facts.

You’ve been off kilter for a few days in a row, situations not going your way, some major, some minor, and you hate it. You hate that you can’t just coping-strategy all of this away—all of these feelings away. You pace around your house. You sit down at the dining table and rock yourself. You curl up on the couch in an incredibly uncomfortable position and don’t move. 

Normally, you are pretty good at feeling secure in your relationships with people. You’ve worked hard to get to this point. You don’t have to second guess their motives, when you’ve known them for a long time, and they’ve demonstrated nothing but respect and kindness towards you. But this week has been crazy for Bachira, too, or something—regardless of the reason, you felt ignored one too many times, felt like you were snapped at, and felt like you were expendable. You don’t blame him at all since it’s your interpretation but at the same time you know from experience that invalidating your emotions isn’t going to make any of this go away.

And then you’ve gone and wrapped yourself up in your old habits of being afraid to talk about something. Your classic fear rears its head: you’re too much trouble, way more trouble than you’re worth, and everyone is going to leave you.

Bachira comes home, drops his stuff off haphazardly in the front doorway, and makes a beeline straight towards you. He ruffles your hair and presses a kiss to the top of your head. 

“I’m home,” he sings.

You smile at him, but you feel crazy. He must notice something is off—how could he not?—because he cups your cheek. It has the intended effect—you indeed feel soothed. You nuzzle your cheek into his palm. You want to be completely engulfed in his touch. You hate everything you’re feeling right now. It’s too hard. 

“What do you want to do tonight?”

You know sometimes he asks this as a formality. He always likes having something to do—but he is content to “compromise” with you and create an “event” for something very normal and calm and low-key that you also want to do (at home. Definitely at home.) (You hate that word because it still feels like both people lose something but whatever the word is for both people are happy with the outcome lol.) 

“I don’t know,” you half-lie—at the very least, you know you have to talk to him. The words coagulate like mucus in your throat. You’re so stupid. This shouldn't be that hard.  Bachira loves you and he’s going to listen to you and nothing is going to be wrong.

You can tell yourself these things. And it won’t help. But to be fair, being mean to yourself won’t help either, but. Yknow. You aren’t going to win every battle. Definitely not this one today.

Not that you want this conversation with  Bachira to seem like a battle. You don’t. 

He studies you for a bit. “We could…just relax together until we think of something?”

You like having a specifically-designated task, something delineated, and can make you feel like you aren’t a failure and aren’t causing a fuss or scene or trouble. You aren’t ruining everyone’s night, this still “counts” as “successful”—you give in to all your old habits, all your rigid, self-scaring habits. Why not? When it rains it pours, or whatever. Let the dam break. Etc. 

You hear him heating up food in the kitchen and he spreads everything out on the coffee table in the living room. You look at him adoringly. He knows you don't eat when you’re like this. That bastard. Loving you and taking care of you. 

How dare he?

You both start on your food, him digging in, and you nibbling. 

“Can we talk?” you ask. 

“Always,” he says, and a few pieces of rice fly out of his mouth onto the table. He picks them up and tries to feed them to you.

“No!” you bark jokingly as you twist your head away, scrunching up your face, trying not to laugh because then he will put the rice in your mouth.

“Don’t waste food!” he admonishes seriously.

“Stop!” you finally let out a giggle. He eats the rice himself and settles back down. 

You stare at him and he stares at you.

“Sorry,” he says. “It’s your turn again.”

“Thank you,” you say. You figure you might as well ease yourself into it. You don’t have to accuse yourself of manipulation or lying or whatever—you just need to let yourself be. You’re trying your best. You start off with talking about some random topics that were bothering you this week to set the scene. You explain the headspace you’ve been in and how you’ve been feeling.

He puts down his food. “I’m sorry that happened,” he says. “Can I hug you?”

You nod. You put down your food just as he throws his arms around you and squeezes you tight. He kisses your cheek. “I don’t mean for those actions to make you feel those ways.  Is there anything I can do to show you that  I didn’t mean any of that, and that I love you so much?”

You are very embarrassed. You hate to ask for anything—even normal boring stuff, and now, this feels like you are being asked to ask for something extra special. Asking someone to make amends to you feels so wrong. It feels like you’re not supposed to cause other people trouble. But anything you say, Bachira probably has already done before, and is okay with it, and some, he’s even done on his own volition before, and you  might not have even known it was what you liked or wanted before him.

You make your requests of how you want to spend some time with him doing your favorite activities and he happily acquiesces.  

“I’ve been wanting that, too,” he says. He peppers kisses all over your face. “I’m sorry you had a bad week,” he says. “That’s so stupid.”

“It was really stupid,” you say sadly. 

He shakes you. “Do you want me to beat them up?” he asks in the most chipper tone.

You sigh and shake your head. “No. Let’s just watch tv.”

He grabs blankets, and you finish the rest of your food while watching your comfort show, snuggled up next to Bachira, who waits patiently until you’re done eating so he can hold your hand. 

Nothing can make the bad events of this week less bad—but you also don’t have to carry your insecure energy into next week. You know you can do what you need to do and you know it’s okay to feel this way sometimes. And if there’s anyone who believes in you the most, it’s Bachira.

[tobi-smp]

"can quackity be redeemed?" "can dream be redeemed?" “can sam/phil/wilbur-”

redemption isn’t something you Earn, it’s something you Do.

redemption isn’t being forgiven and it’s not doing enough Good to erase the bad that you’ve done (to Fundamentally and Totally become a “good person” when you look at your life in its totality).

redemption is a Choice that you consciously make to become a better person. it’s recognizing that what you did was wrong and that something needs to change and putting in that effort to try to change. Anybody can be redeemed, Anybody can make that choice to do better.

the question is not “can this person make up for what they’ve done wrong?” or “can this person get the people they hurt to forgive them?” because that’s not always what Doing Better looks like. sometimes the Right thing to do is leave the people that you hurt alone, sometimes it’s Unfair to expect someone to forgive you at all, sometimes there Is no way to fix what’s been done. sometimes to become a better person you have to accept that you Can’t fix the past, but you Can change your future. that putting in the work to change is worth it anyways.

the difference between a character like dream and characters like quackity, wilbur, or even sam isn’t that dream Can’t be redeemed, it’s that he isn’t likely to make the Choice to redeem himself. he tells himself that he’s better than sam because he’s not in denial about the things he’s done, but what it really shakes out to is that he doesn’t Care what impact his actions have. even when He’s the recipient of the damage he causes he’ll blame somebody else (namely, tommy).

sam works off of denial because if he accepted the damage he’s caused for what it is he’d crumble. he views what he does as strictly necessary, justifies it to himself no matter what, because if he doesn’t he’d fall apart from the guilt and anguish. dream knows Exactly what he’s done and he’s had nothing but a good time doing it.

likewise, I find the question of “can Quackity be redeemed” or “can Wilbur be redeemed” a frankly baffling one, because by all accounts they are currently in the process of Trying To Become Better People.

slime asking quackity if revenge is ever worth it and quackity telling him No, It’s Not. leading into purpled killing slime in Direct response to quackity’s actions, in the aftermath of quackity thinking that dream had escaped Because Of His Own Actions. followed by quackity Deliberately not seeking revenge on purpled and instead working tirelessly to try to Help his friend.

and again, when we see him next it’s him promising to be there for tommy, to protect him because he wants to Choose to be there for the people who are important to him rather than choosing to Hurt out of revenge.

and yes, that Did definitely get lost in season four being.. what it is. but it is Undeniably at the Very Least a set up for a redemption arc. quackity has finally recognized that revenge and lashing out won’t get him what he wants, that it just hurts the people that are important to him and makes him Unhappier in the long run.

and wilbur is. Doing His Best. he desperately Wants to be a better person, but he doesn’t know How to do that. he’s fumbling and making massive mistakes because he was in a bad place before and now he has no real perspective on what’s happened while he was gone or even what’s happening Now.

he’s directly tied his own morality to the way that other people see him. and to that end he thinks that to be Redeemed, to be a better person, he has to get Forgiveness. and in a way, I think that has to do in part because he doesn’t want the redemption process to be Painful, he wants it to be easy because he wants it to not hurt anymore. and feeling that way doesn’t Diminish someone’s efforts to try to be better.

but what this means is that he’s been avoiding the parts of Becoming a better person that hurt. he’s still a messy person whose prone to making bad decisions and big mistakes because he hasn’t Really examined the bigger fundamental problems with things like his Mindset or the ways he lashes out when under pressure or insecurity yet. and again, I reckon a big part of that is because he doesn’t know How, he doesn’t know How to recognize and learn to cope with those messier parts of himself without falling back into that self-hating mindset that literally killed him.

he’s not a bad person for this, and this doesn’t take away from the fact that he Is in the process of redemption. it means that it’s going to take time, that it’s going to be Hard. and sometimes that’s just the reality of bettering yourself as a person. it is Okay to be at a part of your journey where you don’t know what to do yet, it is Okay to still make mistakes and be a messy person. the important part is Wanting to do better and Putting In The Effort.

[pookacangetit]

villain!disney song yuu brainrot (i apologize in advance)

disney song yuu is mostly written with a disney prince(ss)-esque personality, with the occasional villain moment, but imagine them with a more,, morally gray type personality

a yuu that, as soon as they realize the power they hold, immediately starts thinking of ways to use it to their advantage. i mean- they’ve been dropped into a different dimension, with no magic (which, by the way, is a very necessary thing here), and everyone at this godforsaken school has enough baggage to match their egos, and absolutely no emotional intelligence whatsoever. who says they can’t level the playing field a bit? they deserve a bit of fun.

this yuu is craftier, more self serving, and egotistical with the wits to match. who knew their passion for singing would become such an asset? a little hum and a few lyrics could get them an A+ on their potions assignment, or finally get grim to shut up, or sick a murder of crows on their enemies! Fun!

oh, i have admirers? a fan club? a literal cult following? some people actually think i’m a god??? all according to keikaku “how peculiar! i’m flattered, really, but i don’t think i’ve done anything that notable! i’m only doing what i can, just like everyone else~!” *bats eyelashes innocently*

that graceful, charming act might fool a stranger, but anyone that knows yuu knows. they may be calm, and collected, they may be reserved, they may be polite, so unlike many of the brash and bold students of nrc, but yuu isn’t harmless. people listen when they speak, they’re charismatic, sharp, they could talk anyone into a corner with that melodious, alluring voice of theirs. they’re beautiful in the way that a rolling tide or a waning moon is, almost unnoticeable, they simply blend into the background, until suddenly you see them and you can't look away. 

animals of all types seem attracted to them. sometimes they’re songbirds, or woodland creatures, but most of the time they’re crows, snakes, vultures and insects; cawing and hissing along to the prefect’s smooth, rich voice. 

the sun seems to slink back into the clouds when they sing, the wind blows, cool and soft, the birds stop chirping and all is silent, as if nature itself was listening intently. their voice is heavenly, angelic. ghostly, haunting, and almost inhuman; cold as ice, dark as ink, reverberating through the air like a lone, howling breeze on an otherwise silent winter night. yet strong and firm, rumbling like thunder, seeping through your skin like a burning warmth, echoing through your ribcage and electrifying your very own heart. 

but this yuu isn’t evil. that’s the reason they’re so popular, yuu may not be nice all the time, but they’re kind, they’re not weak, but they’re forgiving. they return what they are given- grace for grace, malice for malice. despite their cocky jabs, they love their friends, despite their seeming coldness, they help those in need.

mysterious, powerful, captivating, endearing, a little bit intimidating, and entirely unique, that’s the ramshackle prefect.

just don’t piss them off.

----

idk if this made any sense i kinda just word vomited :( cringecore

Oh Yuu has plenty of reasons to be a rogue villian, and NRC doesn't mind this feral god commiting world domination if they wanted to (Malleus will hands down let Yuu be his emperess if they expressed interest in the Thorn Kingdom).

They liked this morally grey Yuu using everything in their arsenal to survive because it shows off how NRC they are and HA TAKE THAT RSA BASTARDS YUU'S OURS THROUGH AND THROUGH.

[sol-draws-sometimes]

Unrelated to this episode but as a twin, everytime I remember Lark had an affair with Sparrow’s wife, I’m just… in disbelief. Like, I hate when people ogle at my twin and I, and are like “WHAT’S IT LIKE BEING A TWIN!” “I WISH I WAS A TWIN!” “WOW! HAVING A TWIN IS HAVING A BUILT IN BESTFRIEND!” However, weird objectification aside, they’re not wrong. I DO have a close bond with twin that I don’t with anyone else. For most of my life (and all my childhood), we were on the same wavelength emotionally speaking. Obviously we had put diffrences, but the way we viewed the world and reacted to things emotionally was almost the same. In middle school, we both were struggling mentally, but we understood each other, she felt like the only irl person who truly understood what I was going through, because she was going through it too. To me, our relationship is taken for granted. No matter what happens, how much we fight or bicker, I have never once in my life doubted whether she loved me or not. Her love has always been, and still is, the strongest constant in my life. And even though the way we view the world and act emotionally is no longer exactly the same, she is still the one person I feel understands me the most.

And that’s why, I can’t wrap my head around the fact that Lark did that. How could he have done that. I could NEVER, see myself betray my sister like that. And yes I’m young, and ace (and on the aro spec), so you could argue it’s not the same but like, even if I were allo, I just, can not see myself having an affair WITH MY TWIN’S S.O.! (also I just hate the idea that cheating is just a thing that happens sometimes like, I’m sure there are relationships that recover from that, but come one, seriously it’s so easy to not cheat) The worst part is that I still think Lark loves Sparrow. Scratch that, I know he still loves Sparrow. I’m not good at wording it, but the best example I can think of, is Lark pretending to be Sparrow so that he could fix Sparrow’s relationship with Normal, so that Sparrow doesn’t have a bad relationship with their son. I’m thinking of that person who made a post about how Lark shows love and I wish I could remember so that can point to that, but it mentioned Lark sewing bulletproof into Normal’s suit. Anyway, Lark LOVES Sparrow, and they are each other’s world. The problem is that they’re codependent with each other, which can make them enable their worst attributes, or let them brush things off that shouldn’t be brushed off.

I can’t imagine doing what Lark did to Sparrow, to my sister. Idk how my sister could EVER forgive such a betrayal. I know some romantic couples can genuinely work together to overcome an affair, so I guess that can be applied to platonic and familial situations as well. But still, Sparrow TRUSTED Lark more than anyone else in his life, for Lark to break that that trust, it just… idk. Also, I definitely understand why Sparrow forgave Lark, they can’t lose their only family left. They are each other’s world. Especially after everything they’ve gone through. Tho I will say, I don’t think Sparrow’s just completely over it either. His wife and brother had a fucking affair together. That has to hurt. Plus, there are little lines when referring to Normal that Sparrow’s said that leads me to believe that Sparrow has some unprocessed feelings about the affair pushed deep, deep down to keep peace.

I wonder how much thought Anthony put into to that plot point. Most of the times it’s played as joke but if you think about it for 2 seconds it’s so fucked. But Anthony cares too much about the kiddads for me to believe it was just a joke, like the Hermie’s dads situation. I wonder what made him think this is a thing Lark would do.

This isn’t supposed to be an “I HATE LARK” post. I think he’s a very interesting character, the way he’s reacting and processing to everything that happened in S1 and S2 is fascinating. And just to reiterate, I know he still loves Sparrow. But still, I keep thinking about how do you betray the person who’s your whole world, who you arguably love the most. Or guess, my real question is WHY. What has going on in his head that led him to doing that. Even from a more selfish standpoint, I don’t think Sparrow currently trusts, or will ever trust Lark the way he did pre-affair. And I don’t think Lark is stupid enough to believe having an affair with Sparrow’s wife wouldn’t irrevocably change their relationship.

I wish I could be more eloquent, but I always forget and every time I remember what he did I just don’t know how to feel about it. Idk, I just keep thinking about them. I can’t help it, I’m a latino twin, they were handcrafted for me.

If you have any thoughts on this, PLEASE DO SHARE THEM WITH THEM WITH ME. (also idk if this conversation’s already been had but I haven’t engaged)

Ps: something, something Lark hates himself so much he tries to ruin his relationship with Sparrow because he feels like he doesn’t deserve love, not even from Sparrow. Yah started thinking about it outside my perspective. I can see that being his reasoning, but still…I just, I can’t image actual doing that. But yah, I think I’m satisfied with that reasoning.

[melodyofthevoid]

The Crane Wives Examined: Safe Ship Harbored

So I vowed to do it, and thus I have begun my journey into the Crane wives discography. (@dreamishsara thanks for the push I needed to start this lmao)

The first of the four main albums written by The Crane Wives, the overall aesthetics of this album establish many of the themes found throughout their discography. From laments of personal failings to promises of love, to layered metaphors and stories wrapped within beautiful packages of harmonies and the ever present instruments that bring the whole thing together. Generally more of a mixed bag, but there’s really only winning with a Crane Wives song.

Can’t Have it All

Defiance, in a word. The singer is battered and bruised emotionally from their former love, but they’re not in that same place anymore. It hurts still, and there’s a long way to go before they’re fully healed. But that healing won’t involve the one who hurt them.

“All my love you tried to take, but you can’t have it all”. Some was taken, but not all. They’re still standing.

The song then moves from the past to the future, trying to take a look at what is to come. They wonder if they might find somewhere to settle and linger one day. Rediscover love with a partner with someone new. Wondering if their ex might get married, but knowing it will never be to them. Because their mind’s made up and they’re standing strong.

And sometimes, you need that reminder that even though it hurts to move on, what’s done is done. Going back won’t fix things, and they tried this before. Whatever they think of you, the person you were, you don’t have to be that. They can’t have all of you, that’s for you to decide.

The Diving Bell

A diving bell was an early method of exploring the sea, a heavy surrounding structure that provided a pocket of air as the diver descended. Protecting them. This new love, surrendering to the deep is an open diving bell, taking the singer deeper and deeper and providing no air or means of escape. And that is okay, the singer feels no fear. They’ve decided to follow this no matter where it takes them.

It’s a comforting song, all soft vocals and easy guitar. There’s a rhythm on the drums that returns in later songs, but here it isn’t driving forward, it feels more like a fluttering heartbeat.

Caleb Trask

This song is an extended reference to the eponymous Caleb in East of Eden, who is himself a reference to Cain. He struggles with his lineage, believing himself to be doomed to ill-intent after learning of his parentage. And yet, he tries to be good. He strives in spite of dooming his twin brother to die in war, in spite of what he believes himself to be.

At the heart of it, the singer reassures him that he has no reason to keep holding himself in chains of guilt. But who doesn’t? All people are flawed, and it just takes forgiving yourself to move forward.

The azaleas are symbols of his love in the book, the girl who was once promised to his brother. They fall in love eventually, and he promises that they’ll look out on the flowers one day and allow himself to love her. But they have love already. Waiting and punishing himself isn’t going to make him a better person, or make him happier. Everyone is descended from a sinner in some way, no person is without fault.

If you can be better, then be.

New Colors

The spirit of rebellion and throwing a middle finger to the concept of stagnation. Finding something new at any cost, no matter what it does to the singer. If it costs their eyes, they’ll at least see the world anew. They won’t be stopped, that’s the end of it.

To give up the sight to see, to give up air to breathe, finding a new freedom by sacrificing what they once had. The bombastic statement descending into quiet pleas to be heard by someone, anyone.

Counting Sheep

A cheery condemnation of the state of everything, a world full of half awake sheep. Stuck in a cycle of half aware and half asleep. Watching the news and watching the world deteriorate, dooming the day before it even begins. Forcing a smile and trying to get by because it’s all you’ve gotten used to doing.

But even knowing what’s going on doesn’t fix it. The sheep serve the double metaphor of being both the wool covering the eyes of the people, and that others are sheep too. There’s no reason to count sheep if they’re everywhere.

Medicine to conform makes the dreams that once filled life fade away, muddling the time together. There is the question of is it worth it? Is it worth confining yourself to this existence when it doesn’t fulfill? Doesn’t make you happy? Is this a battle worth fighting for, to be who you’re meant to be?

And then the end, integrating the common rhyme of the Friar Jaques/Brother John into the song, repeating it over and over, ties back into the question of are you sleeping through life? The bells, the sign to wake up is now, if only one can hear it.

Hole in the Silver Lining

A twist on the everyday saying and an ode to the pessimist. The repetition of this song, like the singer’s own action, wears away at the melody. They’ll find that hole in the silver lining, the flaw in the miracle, even if they have to make it. Running it over and over in their hands until it appears.

There’s an air of resignation and anger, especially when the final verses come in. They say to leave doubt at the door, to not come closer. With the self-effacing tone of the beginning, it comes across as the singer begging someone to leave and not come closer. Hoping to wear down this silver lining too until the good is worn away.

Defeat is a heavy thing, and it narrows the vision until it’s all you can see.

Safe Ship, Harbored

The thoughts of what could have been, the ambitions lost to years of fear and outside forces. Looking to those that know you and saying “I’ve given up, don’t give me your blessings, I won’t do anything with them”. Knowing that this isn’t what you’d wanted for yourself but being stuck regardless.

Things I forgot I cannot do evokes such a strong picture, of learned limitations keeping the singer trapped on shore. Failures from the past that linger just enough to keep them from ever trying, ever yearning again. A safe ship in a harbor, still being worn down by the salt and waves in the shallow waters but never venturing out.

And the world would look so flat and limited stuck in one place, without even a hint of what lies over the horizon. A ship is meant to travel and see places beyond, and yet here it is, stuck. Ashamed of what it fails to do yet trapped out of a desire to never be hurt again.

Worn down not by something, but someone. A bottle broken to signal a new voyage would be wasted. They’re not going anywhere.

Naked, The Night Falls

Soft and poetic, the softness of allowing oneself to mingle and intertwine with someone else. To take their weight, their problems, and share the burden.

The lines are almost nonsensical at times, almost reminiscent of the words one says when half asleep, cradled in someone’s arms. They burn, they suffer sometimes, there are hard times to be sure, but with their love they grow and are stronger for the hard times. All will be well, so long as they have a soft place to rest.

Ancient History

There is an aftermath to every breakup, a past that solidifies and while it will remain unchanged, almost begs to be examined as if in the futile hope of learning something even long after the dust has settled. Dreams of a former lover can haunt long long past the death of the relationship, and pick at that scab over and over again.

Skeletons hidden in the closet or in the graves laughing at the futile attempts and the holes left behind in the wake of painful regret.

The refrain of “I try to let it fade away”, desperate for relief, repeats until the truth comes out. That they still hold on, even if it isn’t healthy.

This is a constant battle, a prolonged and eternal war. They ache, but the past keeps bleeding out of the wound that refuses to heal. And they’re left with the question of what to do.

They just have to keep trying. Maybe one day, they’ll let go.

October

A song for the hopeless romantic, who’d give and give and give for nothing in return. They entreat for the other to be with them, in spite of what they are missing. And yet, they would debase themselves, crawling on hands and knees if any higher (or lower) power asks of them. This person is divine to them, their love is divine.

And yet, when the promises are made, the object of their affections keeps the upper hand. The feelings are not reciprocated, at least not with the same intensity. There is no room in their heart for the singer. Any hope that there was is decaying and growing cold. They’ll take being nothing more than a mark on their lover’s chest and having their secrets torn away if it means that they’ll have one kiss. Their love can take what they want, they will give it happily.

October is the heart of fall, when the earth begins to die and grow cold for the winter ahead. It is an inevitability, just another part of life. An unavoidable part of life for an unavoidable heartbreak. This devotion will never be returned, but they’re alright with that.

The Crooked, The Cradle

A prayer for respite, for relief. There is blood on the singer’s hands, they belong to no one, no one’s daughter, and there are still enemies at their door. The slow, almost lullaby-esque tone implies that they are trying to soothe despite their exhaustion, it pulls at their core, and yet…

If there is mercy in this world, and they hope that there is, there will be peace. An end to the violence and terror. They hold onto it, in spite of the devil at their door. They can’t let it go. “I won’t pretend my season won’t end”, an admittance, an acceptance of the end, memento mori, as it goes. But there is still that hope there will be something left, some piece left over for their love.

And what of the cradle? Is it a promise for a future child? That they will be the parent they never had? Or to one that is there and waits for them, and whose absence is felt? Whichever it is, the singer pleads for anyone to hear them out. Alone in their fight and known for now only among the wicked and cruel. The crooked.

Yet there is the repetition of the chorus, hope even still. A home after the war, after the work is done.

I Ain’t Done

A folk tale reminiscent of “Leave Luanne”, this tells the story of a woman caught cheating and who paid the price for her infidelity, lamenting her fate and telling of the night she died. But always, always repeating that she is not done on this earth, and will continue to exist. She is, in fact, not done with the world of the living.

The singer is perpetually stuck between remorse and anger, with one voice in the chorus singing that she now has eternity to repent, to plant her guilty seed (a double entendre if ever there was one) by the moonlight in the cemetery. The other narrates her slipping away from her sleeping spouse, creeping away to meet her lover with no regrets.

There are even more double meanings within the song, from even the first verse. “I am consumed by selfish wanting” could both mean that she was compelled to seek out this affair, even knowing she was married, and that this affair would eventually consume her. “Felt love’s searing sting”, a knife and a kiss. The shadow of her husband is both one cast over her heart, and over her before he murders her. The wordplay all weaves a simple tale together, one that the ghost will relive over and over again.

[bardspeak]

This is my piece for the zine celebrating 10 years of dishonored: Dunwall Days and Karnaca Nights! There are leftover sales going on here: (link) that have much much more than my little character study going on. (I recommend the notebook). @10yearsofdishonoredzine

Things Beyond Forgiveness | (ao3 link)

Billie was made by knife, and now there’s nothing she sees in her body anymore but the jagged shape carved. 

He was made by knife too, she thinks, watching the Outsider in their tiny, one-room apartment. A god once, held on high - now washing the dishes of all things. They had to buy metalware so when his shaking, unpracticed hands dropped them from the sink they wouldn’t shatter across the hardwood floor. Only irritate the neighbors. 

“I’m sure I’ve done this before,” The Outsider tells her, lips thin with displeasure at himself. He said the same thing about sweeping up porcelain shards with a broom or writing in the blocky hand of an illiterate dockworker. She can’t prove or deny these claims, so she takes them at face value, nods, and lets him continue in his failure. Sometimes she finds herself getting irritated, having to reteach an adult man how to do up his tie, but then she remembers Sokolov and his shaky, fading memory - a parallel that would have the Outsider steaming and ranting at her. 

The Outsider is neither physically old nor dependent, but something in the comparison softens her demeanor. There are people she’s taken care of before, and people she’s let take care of her. She reminds herself of this every time the Outsider goes to pick up the dishes after dinner with his quivering hands. She sits and watches this vestige of a life long past curse when his hand slips. Hum absently and splash water onto their floor. 

He struggles and doesn’t have the forbearance to hide it from her, but still, sometimes she uncharitably thinks he’s doing this much better than she is. That it’s unfair. There’s a capacity to hurt in her, one she faces every day when she sees the posters bearing her name, or looks carefully at the knife in her hand and in her heart. She doesn’t think she’ll ever stop facing it. 

They’re in a dark, cold alley a few blocks away from the apartment when the Outsider speaks up, voice quiet but weighted: “You’re not what you think you are.” 

“How so?” Billie takes a sharp drag of the cigarette in her hand before offering it over, the Outsider considering it like he’s never seen one before. They’ve smoked together a few times before, hazy trails of smoke drifting through the afternoon light peeking in through the window in their apartment. Never like this though, in the early hours of the morning when Billie gets back from one of her odd jobs, knife and crossbow slung low on her belt. She’s been a killer for decades, even before Daud - there’s nothing that will ever change that. But she can’t help listening, can’t even pretend to ignore him like she would have in the beginning. 

“You can’t change what you’ve done in the past,” The Outsider says, never having lost the uncanny ability to seem like he’s reading her mind. He pauses to take a puff of the cigarette and gives a little cough with weak lungs. Before, he would have been sent into a full-on fit. “But you can’t say you would have been here, would have survived, if not for your skills. You did what you had to.” He pauses, perhaps correctly guessing that she doesn’t want to hear it. He forges on anyhow. “Maybe you can thank yourself and move on. Find a new use for your skills.” 

A bitter little laugh bursts its way out of her, unwilling. “There’s no other use for skills like mine.” 

He touches her hand, not a slip of the fingers when passing a cigarette back and forth - still holding it in his other hand - or to pull her away from watching eyes. She never realizes how little the Outsider reaches out to touch until he has. It startles her from her bitter reflection. “Skills like yours,” he starts, unsettling pale green eyes catching her own and holding them. “Are what freed me.” 

He doesn’t go on like she expects him to - like she’s used to. The lack of words to hide in leaves her flayed open. The cigarette is pressed into her hand like an afterthought as he pulls away, heels clicking against the stones of the street towards their apartment, not even sparing a glance behind to see if she’s following him. 

Eventually, she does. 

The Outsider has a pile of things laid out over their creaky wardrobe in the corner of the room. Bottles, stones, shells, pieces of bone, and books that are more scraps of paper than bound tomes are strewn over the place. So many things she can hardly categorize them all. Billie had thrown some of them out when he first started, not knowing it was a collection rather than garbage laying about. He never said anything, but the same bottle - labeled with colorful, crackling packaging - was back on top of the wardrobe when she came in the next morning. 

One day, a flask slips through his traitorous fingers and crashes to the floor, glass pieces skittering to the far corners of the room. She watches as he crouches down and picks up one of the thicker pieces, twisting it in the light in a slender hand. There’s a spot of blood beading up on his bare foot. He stands, drops the piece of glass onto the wardrobe with the rest of his collection, and steps carefully over the rest to get to their broom. 

He’s used to things slipping through his fingers, she realizes, going through her days watching him. This isn’t a collection of prized possessions, he barely gives any of them but the books a glance on any given day and never upsets if they break or tear. They’re proof of life. That if he holds something in his hands it won’t turn to dust and fall away. When she looks, there’s a shard of a porcelain plate he must have squirreled away weeks before she first saw the bottle on the wardrobe.

Never claiming to be good with words - especially not when faced with a man who spent the better part of four thousand years with nothing but - she doesn’t broach the subject. 

She does, however, hand him a small painted cameo she found one day on a job. Despite it being her reason for doing so, she still startles when she sees it placed at the forefront of his collection. He places a book - newer, the covers wearing through on the corners but little other damage - on the windowsill she likes to sit in to smoke tobacco, something the Outsider still wrinkles his nose at. She finds a piece of glass placed just so, refracting color on the wall over her bed. 

After weeks, months, a turn of the season, whatever’s holding them together in this place hardly big enough to fit them still hasn’t worn through. It’s the longest she’s spent in the same space as someone since Sokolov - since Daud - and it surprises her how few times she has to get out because she feels stifled. 

She watches him pore over a waterlogged book of his. The binding is frayed around missing chunks, and he’s read it enough times to make his own narrative out of the empty spaces. Time has loosened his muscles, barefoot feet tucked up under his legs, sitting at their meager table and muttering under his breath. She picks at a loose thread of the binding with thin, voidrite fingertips and he lets her. 

“What should I do then?” She says, continuing the conversation like it hasn’t been months of them settling into whatever this is. If he doesn’t understand, then maybe she won’t have to say it. These jagged pieces she doesn’t let anybody touch can stay sharp along with the fear. The Outsider can keep filling in the gaps to stories he’ll never have the whole picture of, despite holding pieces in his trembling hands. Despite spilling the water that smears the ink.

He raises his head to look at her, eyebrows still pinched from reading with a slight myopia, and he understands. “I believe felling a god may be the peak of your achievements,” he tells her, closing his book with more of a crunch than a snap. Only the glint in his eyes reveals his teasing. “Have you ever considered settling down?”

She huffs out a laugh, not even trying to find it in herself to be offended at the notion. That she could put the knife down and never pick it back up. Not flinching away from the edges that have already been worn down. “I’ve never considered living long enough.”

“Well,” he sniffs, taking up the mantle of the offended. He opens his book again. “Start considering it.” 

“I’m sure I’ve done this before,” he says for the millionth time later that afternoon. Billie thinks what he actually means is live. She’s sure she has too, once. She thinks she might be doing it again. 

[autumnslance]

Do you ever get tired of people comparing trauma between Yotsuyu and Fordola? Or how some say Yotsuyu should have lived and Fordola should have died?

I manage to avoid most of it, honestly. Folks who spend a lot of time and energy on character hate don’t tend to get my follows, and sometimes even get filtered/muted, depending on platform. I don’t go digging through the tags very often, either, just take what comes across my dash, and I keep my following count low for various reasons (mostly having to do with my own time, energy, and sanity). Still, there are things I see, so I sigh and eyeroll, and scroll on.

Fordola and Yotsuyu were meant to be two versions of the same story, in two different places, showing the damage of not only the Empire but from their own people, and how that played its part in driving them to accepting the Empire—their abusive conquerers—as the better of bad options for their own goals of security, safety, strength.

I do think one story is told better than the other; I don’t think they should have avoided the nastier parts of Yotsuyu’s history, but the way it was done was clumsy and just didn’t work within the MMO story limits. Especially adding in the infantilization via amnesia, and how poorly Hien is written in handling the Yotsuyu issue, which keeps affecting Doma’s story even through Endwalker. If Hien were just screwing up, OK, he’s young and new to ruling, but he’s simply not allowed to be the heroic character he’s supposed to be through it.

Anyway; I figured either Yotsuyu or Fordola would die, and the other get to work toward redemption. Toward learning and seeing a different way than the one they had spent most or all of their lives laboring under amid abuse, discrimination, and propaganda. While the other gets a redemptive moment, but dies in the process. It was simply a matter of which one.

“Death Equals Redemption”, while a popular trope, can also too often be a cop-out. The audience is supposed to “forgive” someone for one shining moment after a lot of bad while they escape actual consequences, actual effort, in dealing with what they did. It’s often an appeasement; give a villain their comeuppance for those who want to see it, while also some kind of nice moment for the fans of that character. But real redemption takes time and personal work, and does not at all mean someone has to be forgiven by those they’ve wronged. Yotsuyu’s is handled better than some. She did learn a few things, and genuinely cared for Gosetsu. If she couldn’t have her revenge on Doma, she could at least get Asahi for everything he’d done, and I maintain she went into that situation knowing that was the best she’d get as it was otherwise suicide-by-WoL, which was also acceptable to her as she regained her memories and the ability to feel remorse with them. But she also doesn’t get the chance to move forward from that moment, which is a waste of those lessons and the ability to put them into practice, which is where some of the fan disappointment comes in.

I think it turned out as it did because Lyse takes to heart the lessons she had learned through the story, combined with her life as a Scion, giving her a more global view in general. She’s able to find a different path for all of Ala Mhigo, letting go of their tumultuous history to build a new future together, so offers that opportunity to Fordola. Hien can’t quite yet see the societal issues in Doma that he stands within and gets written into a corner, especially with the portrayal of trying to rebuild Doma similar to how it used to be, holding onto traditions that gave the Domans strength through the occupation (as they hadn’t the same issues that Ala Mhigo did pre-empire).

Yotsuyu and Fordola have different but just as valid abuses and traumas—and commit similar abuses and traumas on others—though some folks feel more sympathy for one than the other. For some fans it’s a reflection of their own painful pasts, letting them empathize with one or the other more. For some folks, it’s simply finding one character’s personality more grating than the other. For some, it’s simply about finding one “hotter” than the other, a matter of basic aesthetic appeal. There’s some folks who don’t think antagonists should get a chance to change and find redemption at all, especially if they conflate “forgiveness” in it, which the game has deliberately shown is not the same a few times now. And for some, it’s the perceived unfairness in how one story is clumsily resolved in tragedy, while the other is getting what I actually think is the best written and paced redemption story in a game that usually handwaves those for our reforming antagonists. In many cases, it’s simply character preference leading to emotional responses, and not about what the characters are bringing to the narrative and why.

Because you can’t really have one character without the other within the “war and what comes after” story of Stormblood. These women are comparisons and commentary on the imperialism/colonialism, but also on their respective nations. Their stories work in tandem, separate but the same in many ways, challenging their narrative foils (Lyse and Hien) to think and consider and learn; one fails, the other succeeds, due to how they are moving toward their nations’ futures. Tearing down one woman to elevate the other is missing a point in what these characters mean for a story of societal redemption, as well as their own individually, and what they teach the heroes along the way.

[bombshellsandbluebells]

I like what you said about the handling of forgiveness in this ted lasso episode cause yeah they were so close and fumbled it in the last moment. I once heard someone say “forgiveness is an act of blame” and I think that’s part of what the writers are trying to convey. Forgiving someone says that there’s some way they’ve wronged you, something in need of forgiveness, but it also lets you move on, which is something Jamie so clearly needs given how freaked out he was by the prospect of his dad being in the stands. But yeah, just because you forgive someone and move on from the hurt they’ve caused you doesn’t mean you need to have any sort of relationship going forward. Like Jamie living his best life would be him literally never thinking about his dad again.

Honestly I don’t hate that they implied tartt sr is in rehab and getting help, because this is the second chance show, but I think it would have been more powerful to show that and then show jamie blocking his number or something. Like yeah good for you for working on yourself but the damage has been done and there’s some relationships you just can’t repair.

Fully agree!

I was trying really hard to say the right thing when making that post, because I think for a lot of people the idea is that forgiveness does = second chances or letting someone off the hook. So sometimes when you say things like "you need to forgive them" about something that IS awful and inexcusable or about someone who hasn't shown that they're sorry, people get upset because they think you're excusing the wrong actions.

But forgiveness doesn't negate accountability. And forgiveness can come out in very different scenarios - sometimes it means you can still repair that relationship and move on together and sometimes it's a one-person act for your own healing.

"Forgiveness is an act of blame" is a great way to put it.

Now that the season is almost over, I can see the threads through this entire season pulling it together. Almost every storyline has been about forgiving/letting go and moving on and the healing that comes from it. (It's also been about cycles - people learning from others showing forgiveness, or about one person's growth leading to another's, or about being examples for each other.)

And in so many ways I do think they've nailed it - this season and over the show as a whole. Even this episode, I mostly loved what they did with Jamie and his father - showing that even though Jamie had changed so much and done so much healing, he still hadn't entirely let his dad go and it was still affecting him.

And I agree, seeing that James is in rehab and is hopefully going to become better and improve his own life and those he's around from here on out in the Second Chances Show IS a good thing to show. No one is incapable of turning their life around. (Especially coupled with showing that his mom is not ever going to get back with him, even if he DOES improve himself. Like you said - there are some relationships you just can't repair after you destroy them.)

It's literally just the moment of Jamie reaching out in a way that welcomes James back into his life that bothers me. Because yes, being able to forgive and move on when the person who hurt you will never even acknowledge they did is so important. But you are not in any way obligated to start a relationship with them again.

I almost think it would have worked if Jamie had just texted him "I forgive you" and then blocked his number. Because it would have been a sign of Jamie doing it for himself, letting it go, but also him moving on without giving his dad an opportunity to walk back into his life.

[dathen]

One thing I’ll always appreciate about The Hallowoods is how firmly it defies narrative expectations about redemption arcs and mercy and sympathy.

You really CAN’T predict “Oh this character has fucked up too much, they HAVE to be killed off.” Even when an antagonist dies, it leaves a wake of mixed feelings of relief and regret. Mercy rarely has to do with whether the character deserves it or how much they’ve done. Recovery/rehabilitation takes priority over “redemption.” What a character does after they change direction is always by far the priority over penance or wallowing in guilt, but then it goes that extra step to say they don’t have to earn their right to exist by being useful to other people.

Sometimes they befriend those they’ve hurt, sometimes they leave their lives forever. Forgiveness isn’t promised but it’s not the central focus—the change is. And there’s never some imaginary threshold of having passed a point of no return.

[concealeddarkness13]

OC Kiss Week: Prompt 2 Food

Content warning for kissing and suggestive themes. Here’s the next prompt! This one is also from All’s Fair, and it’s Chess and Naivi this time, with Chess being the POV! This is technically from canon, even though I haven’t written this scene yet, but it’s while Chess and Naivi are technically still enemies, but Naivi helps Chess with her magic! Tagging: @ratracechronicler, @maple-writes, @pen-of-roses, and @drabbleitout!

What the fuck was I doing? I was being such a fool, just walking over to Naivi’s house like she wasn’t my enemy who wanted to cause destruction and take back everything me and my friends had worked toward. But…shit. Everyone else was working on important things, and I had nothing to do. And I had reason to believe that Naivi was being manipulated, and maybe I could convince her she was wrong.

Yes. That was totally why I was wandering up to her door after having had one drink (not drunk, I assure you). Not because she was the first person who showed me kindness for nothing in return. Totally not because she had told me that making friends was very important, that sometimes it was okay to be vulnerable to people and to trust them. And absolutely not because she had actually shown me that physical affection could actually feel good, and it wasn’t terrible for me to want it to feel good.

I just…I wanted to talk to her. Maybe convince her to abandon her plan before Maisa destroyed her. Everyone else in my group had already given up on her and believed that killing her would be the only way to obtain peace, but I couldn’t. I had heard what had happened to her in the past, and she had been the first person to be kind to me. There had to be a way to convince her.

I took a deep breath and knocked on the door. It only took a few moments before she opened the door, and shit. She had her sleeves rolled up, so I could see her muscles, and damn, she was beautiful. She blinked and stared for a bit before she smiled. “Chess. What…what are you doing here?”

My cheeks burned, and I fiddled with my hands. “Um, truce for the night? I have nothing to do, and I…I wanted to talk.”

She smiled more, and her eyes glittered with excitement. “Of course! I just finished dinner, but there’s plenty for you as well! Also, I had something I wanted to ask you as well, but I didn’t know when would be a good time.” She stepped back and let me in, and it was so warm inside that I took off my jacket and hung it up. The house smelled amazing, the smell of seasoned fish and bread wafting from the kitchen.

Naivi brushed a hand over my shoulder, gently guiding me to the kitchen. “Let’s eat first, and then I’ll ask you, if that’s okay. What did you want to talk about?”

I swallowed hard and nodded, walking into the kitchen and grabbing a plate to get some fish and bread. “You know what I wanted to talk about.”

Naivi stayed quiet for a bit before she nodded. “Of course. You probably won’t be able to change my mind though. I can’t forgive the species for what they did—what they’ve done to every human. They need to pay.” She got a plate and walked to the table, and I finally sat down across from her.

“By killing all of them? What if they had done that to us when the prosthetics experiments started so long ago? We wouldn’t be here discussing this! And you’ll just condone hurting or even killing humans in those experiments just for your revenge!”

She took a deep breath and nodded. “I understand. But they won’t change. They destroyed my family! They’ve destroyed more families than the prosthetics experiments have ever destroyed!”

“They will change. They are changing.” I leaned forward, trying to get her to see, begging for her to see. I didn’t want to kill her to stop her plan. I couldn’t. “We’re talking to the leaders right now, proving to them that humans are equal to the other species. I’ve found individuals who want to respect humans and treat them well. They can change. Please. I…I don’t want to fight you.”

Her breath hitched, and she looked away. I deflated. I was so terrible at convincing anyone. “I’m sorry. I can’t. Not after everything I’ve done. But…” She hesitated. “Maybe. I…I’d need good proof before I would be willing to change my mind. I’m sorry. I don’t want to fight you either. But I do have something I want to ask.” She looked at me, waiting until I nodded before she continued. “I don’t like how Aeflin is running the prosthetics experiments. I tried to tell her my ideas to make the prosthetics safer and let the magic be more potent and less likely to harm the user. She hasn’t listened to me, but if you would be willing to try, I would love to try my idea on your prosthetics. If it works, you’ll be able to use your magic a lot easier.”

I stared at her. She could really do that? And I filed the name Aeflin away for later. I would need to research her to see who she was. But I found myself nodding. I actually trusted her, even if we were on different sides. “Yes, please. If it’ll help me not have to cough up smoke anymore, I’d very much like to try it.”

Naivi smiled. “Then I’ll try it after dinner.”

*

After dinner, Naivi had me sit on the couch, and she rolled up my pants so she could get to my leg prosthetic. I had on a tank top, so my arm prosthetic was uncovered. She grabbed some tools and came back, sitting down on the floor in front of me. She looked up in my eyes. “If anything hurts too much, please let me know.” I nodded, and she started working.

I didn’t watch, didn’t want to start remembering the fleeting dreams where I was strapped down on a table while faceless scientists worked on my prosthetics. “Where did you learn this?”

She smiled a little. “I’ve liked working on machines since I was young. My mother helped me learn to begin with, but I found tinkering with machines was just some fun busywork. I learned to study machines and understand them so I could hopefully fix anything.” She glanced up at me. “That’s what I want to do more than anything. Fix things. It hasn’t worked out that way yet.” She sighed and kept working. “I’ll help the victims soon.”

I bit my tongue, not wanting to argue, just wanting to hug her tightly and show her that violence didn’t have to be the answer, but I just stayed quiet. I just watched her, feeling a warmth in my chest. She was so focused on her task, and her touch was so gentle and kind, and I couldn’t help but relax at the soft touch. She finished, and something felt different, but she just said she was going to work on my arm now, and I just stayed still. She moved to sit next to me, and as she worked, I brought my hand to her knee, and I smiled a little at the faint blush of her cheeks.

She stuttered as she kept working. “Have-have you found something about outside the enclosure that you like?”

I smiled, not even having to think about it. “The animals. I never saw an azure snake before this or a fallo. They’re the best!” (For anyone who doesn’t know, azure snakes are snakes with scales that reflect the sky, and they eat negative emotions. And fallos are fuzzy creatures that are waist-height for most people (who are taller than me), and they love getting pets, and they can take away magic temporarily when you pet them.)

Naivi nodded, smiling at me. “I could show you some other animals later if you’d like. Well…” She bit her lip. “After all this is over either way, I guess. If we survive it.”

I looked away from her. “I can’t kill you.”

She laughed a little. “And I can’t either. Which is ironic. The person who is standing the most against me, I can’t even find a reason to lift a finger against. I’m helping you get better magic, even!” She laughed more, shaking her head before looking up at me with serious eyes. “But really, I hope you can prove me wrong. Even if it means I die for it.” She sighed, and before I could respond, she patted my arm. “I finished. Could you check to see if it worked?”

I hadn’t even noticed. I finally tore my eyes from her and held up my prosthetic arm. When I felt for the magic, it had moved to my prosthetic, and I frowned and called on it, and it came to my fist so easily. I blinked and stared and held it, and there was nothing from my lungs. Nothing making me cough. It was…gone.

I laughed and willed the fire to cover my skin and get hotter, and it immediately did so, so that blue fire was covering my entire body. I smiled over at her, actually starting to cry. I could actually use my magic again! “Thank you. I…I know we’re not allies, but thank you so much. I’ve felt cursed by this magic for so long.”

She clapped and squealed. “This is amazing! It can be done! I…I never wanted to hurt the people who were part of the experiments. I wanted to find volunteers and have the magic not hurt them, but Aeflin insisted and didn’t let me do anything. I’m so glad I could help you.”

She reached toward me, and I quickly dismissed my magic as she took my hands. She squeezed them. “Aeflin hurt you more than anyone else. I’ve…I’ve wanted to fix your prosthetics for so long to at least give you something happy after all the pain she caused. Thank you. I’m sorry it took so long.”

I nodded, and I didn’t even think as I hugged her tightly. “You’ve…you’ve helped me so much. You were the first person who showed me kindness without expecting anything in return. I…I can’t hurt you.”

She hugged me back, soothing a hand over my back. “Then prove me wrong. Please. I want to be wrong. But until I see proof that they’re actually changing, I can’t…I can’t trust them to not take away everyone I love again.”

I nodded and leaned back, staring into her eyes. I felt so damn safe around her. I glanced at her lips. “Can I kiss you, Naivi?”

She smiled. “Of course.”

And I kissed her passionately, moaning a little as she kissed me back and pushed against me, actually pushing me down into the cushions. We kissed until we both had to breathe, panting and staring at each other. My cheeks were burning, and she looked flushed too. I smiled. “Maybe…maybe I could stay the night?”

She tilted her head. “I don’t think that would be safe,” she whispered. She leaned down and kissed my neck before scraping teeth over my skin, and I couldn’t help but moan again. Shit. “But I’ll see you soon, and I hope you can prove me wrong, darling.” She sat back up, as if we hadn’t just been so close. “But you can still stay a little while.”

And that was all I needed. I scooted closer and curled up against her, just happy to be able to cuddle. We’d figure it all out. Everything would be fine. I would make sure of it.

[hiddenwashington]

mxtx headcanon memes!!

mo dao zu shi

wei wuxian: would you give up the people you love to do what’s right, or would you watch injustice be done if it meant you got to keep your loved ones by your side?

lan wangji: do you often struggle with doing what is right versus what is expected? did you have to learn to trust yourself on what is the best path over trusting others?

nie huaisang: is your character the vengeful sort? do they forgive and forget or resent and remember?

jiang cheng: do you stew in your regrets? are you capable of letting things go, or do they haunt you for years after the fact?

jiang yanli: how do you show love? are you a more verbal person, or do you use small gestures to express yourself?

lan xichen: are you a good judge of character? do you continue to forgive people even if the world is against them?

jin guangyao: do you feel overshadowed by anyone in your life? how far would you go to get out from under their shadow?

nie mingjue: do you see the world in black and white, or in shades of grey? how does this affect your decisions?

jin zixuan: do you look back at choices you made in your youth and regret them? do you wish you could smack some sense into your teenage self?

jin ling: are you a dog person?

lan jingyi: are you someone who struggles with fitting in to the mold? do you try to do so, or march to your own beat?

lan sizhui: do you ever feel torn between two worlds? what do you do to merge those worlds together?

ouyang zizhen: are you a hopeless romantic, or are you more realistic?

tian guan ci fu

xie lian: are you capable of forgiveness when you’re wronged? or will you continue to hold people at arms length, even if they’ve attempted to regain your trust?

hua cheng: how far would you go for someone you love? did you ever cross a line you didn’t initially think you would to keep them safe?

feng xin: are you someone who lets all their anger out, or do you push it down and let it stew?

mu qing: do you trust people when they say that they care about you, or do you struggle to believe that people are genuine?

shi qingxuan: have you ever been given something you didn’t earn? were there consequences to this gift?

he xuan: have you ever been screwed over for no other reason than that it benefitted someone with more power than you? what did you do in response?

shi wudu: many people would sacrifice themselves for others, but would you sacrifice someone else to benefit your own needs? do you believe that sometimes doing harm to someone else is the only option?

ling wen: do you take on other people’s responsibilities? do you do this willingly or is it something that is pushed on you?

pei ming: do you love easily? how often do you fall in love? would you ghost someone? do you fuck? 

xuan ji: do you hold on to relationships long after they end? are you capable of moving on when you feel it didn’t end in a way that is satisfactory to you?

qi rong: do you hold on to resentment over even small crimes? what keeps you from letting go and moving on? is there anything that could convince you to let go of some of your hatred?

gu zi: how is your relationship to your parents? are you closer to one than another? has that relationship changed over time?

lang qianqiu: are you capable of forgiving an enemy if there is something more important driving the two of you to work on the same side? would you go back to resenting them afterwards, or would you be capable of true forgiveness? 

quan yizhen: are you easily excitable? are you good at keeping yourself under control in the face of something you want, or do you have more of a one track mind? 

yin yu: are you the jealous sort? does it hurt to see other people achieving your goals or do you feel happy to see other people succeed even when you can’t?

jun wu: how well do you handle failure? is it something you take in stride and grow from? how long does it take to get over a large failure in life? do you internalize it or lash out at others?

scum villain’s self saving system

shen qingqiu: are you passionate about things? do you keep your passions mostly to yourself, or are you willing to infodump to anyone who will listen?

luo binghe: how have the people in your life shaped you? do you think they had good intentions when influencing you, or were they only out for themselves?

shang qinghua: what odd jobs could you do to make fast money?

liu qingge: do you tend to shove down your emotions and express them through violence instead? do you push other people away because being alone is easier than dealing with others?

mobei-jun: do people view you as cold? do you think you’re genuinely cold, or is that just the exterior you put on?

sha hualing: are you confident in yourself? is this confidence baseless or have you proved your merit? do you take well to people not having the same confidence in yourself that you do?

yue qingyuan: can you look the other way when someone you love does something terrible? how much are you willing to forgive when you feel that you have wronged them first?

shen jiu: do you let your past define you? do you continue to resent others simply because they remind you of those who have hurt you?

tianlang-jun: do you encourage people in your life to do as they please, even if what they want is something that some people might consider inappropriate?

zhuzhi-lang: if you had to have one animal characteristic like wings or claws what would it be and why?

liu mingyan: do people often judge you based off of your looks? what sort of assumptions would they jump to if they did?

luo bingge: do you think you are the best version of yourself, the worst, or somewhere in between? do you ever think about how one small thing in your life might have changed you in a big way?

[merp-blerp]

Why I think Rachel Berry is Autistic/Neurodivergent (Coded)

So I think Brittany is the best example of an autistic Glee character, but i think you could make a case for Rachel too. I don’t want to pretend Rachel would be the greatest representation of autistics ever or anything, but I like neurodivergent headcanons as a neurodivergent person and neurodivergent representation is very lacking in quality and quantity, so we currently must make do with coded characters. This is all just my theory, and I don't even claim it to be perfectly air-tight. It's more than okay to disagree with me. Don’t take it too seriously, this is all in good, self-indulgent fun. I should note that I don’t have any credentials to diagnose anyone; I don’t recommend using this as a way of diagnosing yourself. They’re are better forms of research you could do. I also apologize if this post offends any fellow neurodivergent people. Rachel can be a particularly negative character for some and I don’t mean to imply that all neurodivergent people are like her or that neurodivergents that do see themselves in her are bad; I also see some of myself in her a bit and this neurodivergent interpretation of her makes me like and understand her a bit better. I also don’t want to make it seem like I think neurodivergence is a negative thing inherently. It isn’t at all. I think Rachel’s personality could make her do negative things, but the neurodivergence itself isn’t negative. The post was very inspired by @smolbrittana and their post on Britt’s neurodivergence. Definitely recommend it you’re interested.

So let’s start with some autistic traits and assessing how they might fit Rachel:

Special Interest/Hyperinflations

Barbara Streisand, Funny Girl, West Side Story, theatrical things in general. Need I say more? I will, no matter what you think. Rachel is obviously very obsessive over the things she likes, but also what she wants. From wanting tons of attention from her various crushes in high school, wanting Quinn’s friendship, wanting to be a the best constantly, getting into NYADA and not even really considering alternatives, etc. These are flaws in her character in some situations, but I don’t think it comes from a place of malice… typically. The crackhouse stuff was messed up, but I think this comes from her brain just latching onto things, to the point where these things become a part of her personality almost and in her head there’s no alternative positive situation conceivable to her other than getting what she wants. All or nothing. If something doesn’t happen the way she wants it it feels like a personal attack. Like being a star and shaping her life around being like her idols, but when she feels like someone could upstage her she… sends them to a crackhouse. I bet the reason why she’s so talented from such an early age is because she hyperfixated on being great at what she want to be, great like Barbara Streisand. I also think that this is why Rachel is so forgiving. She hyperfixates on belonging and others liking her, so she’s willing to forgive those around her no matter what they’ve done to her, best example being Quinn. She obsesses over her own perfection; for example, her NYADA audition where she messes up and feels like she has to completely start over and perfect it all the way through rather than continue through it (which I believe is what you’re supposed to do in a situation like that—I know I’ve seen real broadway actors push though their mistakes). Perfection is the only option to her at times.

Social Difficulties

Rachel is not good at social interactions. I think she feels things very intensely and sometimes can’t “properly” express emotions, at least not in a neurotypical way, therefore coming off as awkward or like a jerk. Sometimes she is a jerk, but I digress. Her first interactions with Finn are very awkward because of the way she goes about them. She goes in too strong, clearly feeling a lot for him already, and freaks him out, but it happened to be in a way that seemingly still endeared him. From his perspective, she’s also just… off putting, probably, because she’s neurodivergent and he’s neurotypical. He still falls for and cares for her, of course, but knows she’s different. Essentially in Season 1-2, her interactions with others are often turned up to eleven in terms of intensity/awkwardness.

“Abnormal” Speech

In the early seasons Rachel has this very fast, high-pitched, matter-of-fact way of speaking. This speech pattern goes away as the series goes on so gradually it might not even be noticed till it’s gone (and I have a theory on why it goes away, but more on that later). I think it’s departure is most noticeable in S4 E12, where Rachel imagines communicating with her younger self. There’s a clear difference in how to two Rachels talk and even sing and it’s interesting to see that contrast (and I gotta applaud Lea for being able to show that, however annoying, she is talented). She also has a very colorful vocabulary, which could also be a symptom.

Intense Emotions & Aggression

Totally. Rachel gets very upset when she doesn’t get her way, to a fault sometimes. Her taking it so personally when Tina was chosen to play Maria in West Side Story, saying it was “my part” (another example of her connecting to her special interest so personally). Her pissed off behavior towards Finn after she tried to cheat on him with Puck and kept telling him to forgive her rather than letting him come to a conclusion himself in S2 was very unselfaware. Sending Sunshine to a crackhouse when she felt threatened by her talent. Disrespecting her dance teacher when she grades her “Oops I Did It Again” number. She takes what she perceives as threats very personally, which might be a Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) thing. Santana has a lot of rage, but damn so does Rachel. This could also be related to her feeling very intensely about her special interests or her strong sense of justice, which I’ll get into later.

Hyper-empathy/Low empathy

Rachel’s tendency to not take other’s feelings into account might exhibit low empathy. Now, it’s worth saying that just because a person doesn’t have emotional or cognitive empathy doesn’t mean they’re a bad person. I believe that as long as they’re able to have sympathy and/or compassion they’re good. Empathy is like being able to put yourself in someone’s shoes; feel the things they feel on a personal level, whether you’ve been though what they have or not. Sympathy is only being able to look a those shoes; seeing and logically understanding the other’s emotions, but not feeling them on a personal level. And you can still show compassion either way.

Stimming/Fidgeting

Now this one was hard to find evidence for, and that’s fine. Not every neurodivergent person stims or fidgets in a particularly neurodivergent way. Most people, neurodivergent or not, stims in some way. Any movement can be stimming. I feel like that fast, peppy walk thing she does, particularly when she’s angry, might be a stimy thing. Like she has so much stimulation that she has to really move and get it out of her system. I also do this when something excites me. I’m pretty sure I remember Santana (?) calling it a “bird walk” or something and said that she walk with a “weird pointy toe” way. Rachel’s body language does remind me of a bird some times, like how when she’s upset she’ll move her head in these very quick, twitchy or jerky movements. She holds herself in a certain way when she sings, which became most apparent to me when Jenna Ushkowitz (Tina’s actresses) talked about mimicking these movements in the behind-the-scenes for S3 E20. She jumps up and down and touches her face when she’s happy, and presses her face against the wall when she’s distressed. Might be stimy things too.

“Abnormal” Body language

Rachel has some very upright posture. It’s very proper in the earlier seasons. Somewhat “stiff”, if you will. Her facial expressions are very, for lack of a better word I can think of, extreme. Always the most they could be. If she’s smiling, she’s really smiling. If she’s crying, she’s really crying. Et cetera, et cetera. Like her speech, this relaxes as she gets older, however, I’ve noticed that during her time with Funny Girl, especially during the understudy auditions and her fight with Santana, both her straight lace posture and body language, “bird” mannerism, odd speech pattern, and other traits comes up again, but for the negative. It was like Rachel was hurt and regressed.

Anxiety & Depression

As I mentioned, Rachel regresses into a negative version of her traits in S5. This isn’t to excuse her, I hate Rachel’s actions during this plot-line as much as the next guy, but this could explain it. I’ve theorized that Finn’s death, the pressure of being on Broadway and the excitement yet anxiety of reaching her dreams so quickly to the point where she felt stuck in monotony might have made her somewhat regress back to how she was in early high school after having grown past it. Like she wanted things to be the way they had been before and lashed out against her own success, almost subconsciously/unknowingly sabotaging herself due to this regression. And then after losing her TV show she’s at her lowest in terms of people seeing her talent as something worth putting value into and she does have her come-to-Jesus moment when she goes back home, her actions finally weighting on her and her having to rebuild herself. Somewhat alternately, you could say that Rachel started masking in New York; maybe she knew that not masking in high school made her a target for bullying, so in NYADA she attempted to mask her neurodivergent traits so she could fit in better. This could explain her change in clothes, makeup, mannerisms, speak-pattern, et cetera. Of course, you can’t truly hide you neurodivergent traits, so Rachel is still quite othered in NYADA. Neurotypicals often can tell when someone’s neurodivergent though subjective social data and other them, whether they know they’re doing that or not. So her masking leads to a breakdown because masking is exhausting and painful for a lot of neurodivergents. She breaks. A covert mental breakdown is honestly the only way I can rationalize her leaving Broadway for TV; logically it doesn’t make much sense for her to have done that in my opinion. That’s why I think returning to Lima was good for her to start fresh and grow again in S6. A part of me almost wants to call it a neurodivergent burn-out or masking that led to a shutdown/meltdown. Rachel definitely fits the quota for “gifted kid syndrome”, being surrounded by yes-men all her childhood, and that could led to burn-out when you’re no longer around that. I think Rachel had been struggling for a while but hadn’t expressed it in a healthy way that was true to herself and so she didn’t really process her feelings or shit actions till her “meltdown/shutdown”, if you will, till S6. But that’s just a theory on what happened to her character. It’s hard to assess this part of Rachel’s arc because even though I think it could’ve made sense and it could’ve been interesting, it ended up being one of the worse written plot points of the show, and that is saying something because Glee fans are well aware this show’s not a perfect masterpiece.

Gifted Kid Syndrome

Many autistic people are seen as gifted or special in youth, and sometimes that expands into adulthood. Rachel definitely was seen this way by others and saw herself that way too. There are countless examples of character going on about how talented Rachel is at singing, whether they’re praising her or insulting her. And we know from the first episode of the series that she’s been seen that way for a while.

Rituals, Sensory Processing, and Perfectionism

Rachel has a strict morning schedule and moisturizing ritual. She also flosses between classes, which could be a ritual thing and/or a sensory thing. I feel like her very preppy clothing style in the early season could’ve also been a ritual thing and/or a sensory thing. It’s like she had to dress this way either because it’s a routinely thing or because she felt uncomfortably in other clothes (probably routine, because she does stop dressing like that in the later season, unfortunately—that style was so cute. But hey, putting yourself through clothing sensory hell for the sake of masking, due to the fact people made fun of your preferred clothes in the past, could add to that meltdown/shutdown theory I have). She also has moments where, while stressed, she rest the top of her head on the wall. Also likely a sensory thing to me. She seems very strict on these being done perfectly. She can’t do imperfection and things not being done her way. (Also, I don’t know how true it is, but I swear I remember hearing a trait of autism could be having perfect pitch. Of course Rachel seems to, but I’m not a super smart music person so I don’t know how to tell myself).

Deep intreats in animal

Rachel often wears animal themed clothing in the early seasons and she’s vegan. She also berated that woman for caring her service dog in her purse in S5 E19, assuming she knew more about the woman’s service dog needs than the woman herself. She cares about animals a lot.

A strong sense of justice

This part of Rachel gets forgotten or undermined I think and I wanted to acknowledge it. Especially by S3, Rachel really fights for her friends and against whatever she believes is an injustice. This isn’t to say she’s always in the right with these behaviors or that she’s the best ally to everyone, just that these traits are here. Before Glee club she joined in a lot of advocacy clubs (some she really shouldn’t have been in, but it’s framed that way), she wanted to start a “Gay-Les-All” (The Gay-Lesbian-Alliance), and she regularly protests Mr. 👞, whether it’s by storming out of class or putting tape over her mouth in silent protest when she thinks he’s undermining her talent. In S1-2 it feels entitled most of the time, but I think it becomes a bit more selfless in S3, at least for a while, with her being very for Kurt during the student election, to the point where she stuffs the ballot box and gets suspended for it. Still not a good action, but with good, selfless intentions. She berates that one woman in S5 E19, which is still bad and misinformed of her, but it’s an example. She also stands up to her teacher when she didn’t like her “Oops I Did It Again” performance. And I think, while in the wrong, Rachel was just trying to stand up for herself against a teacher who bullied her a lot.

Difficulty “Fitting in”

This is Rachel’s entire story. Trying to find somewhere she felt she belonged. She wanted to be a part of something special to make her special. I believe this is a part of why she is obsessed with feeling like the best in the room. She was bullied and different from others so she felt very othered; maybe she tried to interpret this othered feeling as “I’m better, they just don’t realize” as a coping mechanism, but I think deep down she knew that wasn’t the case and everyone hated her for other reasons (some justifiable, some ableist if you say she’s neurodivergent) and she had to learn she could share the spotlight and shine along with people at her level. A very “Oh No!” By Marina (and the Diamonds)—“I feel like I’m the worse, so I always act like I’m the best” type deal. In S2 she begins to take down the pedestal she (and others) put herself on as a defense and become self aware and this continues into S3, then the cycle happens again in S4-5 where she starts putting herself up on that defense pedestal again, then takes herself down once more in S6 to her own rock bottom so she can be on healthy ground again by the flash forward and the end of the series. This isn’t perfectly done, but it’s done well enough where I can see that was the goal they might’ve been going for with her, and I appreciate that type of nonlinear character arc, it just wasn’t done well here. Like, not only was it nonlinear in story but also in writing quality and that’s where it’s faulty. Even when you take away all the neurodivergent framework—all the stuff about rituals, shutdown, et centra—this reading could still make sense for Rachel. She’s queen of the outcast who has to humble herself in order to thrive.

Thank you reading! I hope I was clear and coherent enough in this. If you have anymore points to make about this reading of Rachel let me know—I’d love to see!

[nicky999doors]

notes on impish behavior below ...

it’s a long post but if you’re interested in how these songs came about this is it! 

track 1 is a horny song about wanting someone to devote themselves to you in the way that you have already done for them. images of a medieval king riding a porche into a downtrodden village in the middle of the night to meet someone was such a vision for this song. directly inspired by link up by tinashe. 

track 2 is me learning how to harmonize in my own way, this is quite literally about my ex-boyfriend and how being a forgiving person can sometimes put you in a worse situation. inspired by charli xcx and the song gory love by casablancas. 

track 3 is something i kind of wrote for my best friend, we both feel similarly about entering relationships and how we are always waiting to be tricked. inspired loosely by hyperpop, the idea of a hi hat being mischievous, build a bitch by bella poarch bass and i love a heavy bass drop. track 4 is quite literally about having sex with a werewolf. allowing yourself to open up sexually. learning how to hold control and how to give it as well. inspired by truffle butter by nicki minaj, in my pocket by mandy moore and probably fanfiction. 

track 5 is literally another horny song. when you’ve had a taste of someone and you literally can’t think about anything else but getting another. sonically this is  like me trying to mix hyperpop clanging and mechanical sounds with something by the band spoon. hence the bass guitar and the organic hand claps. the organic with the mechanic.  track 6 is a major diss track to LA and the guy i dated at the beginning of the year. track 5 is also about him lmao, he clearly ruffled my feathers. i say some not so nice things on this track but they’re also the truth so do with that what you will. majorly inspired by blink182 with guitars and the vocals and big sean for lyrical content and feeling like hot shit vibes. 

track 7 is my cinematic jammm. this song is about making a pledge to stay alive no matter what anyone does to you. losing hope and getting to your rock bottom to realize you can climb out. you will not be stuck there. you actually refuse to be stuck there. sonically i’m not sure where this came from but those horns are supposed to sound like a medieval firing squad. i knew i had something when i started getting those kick drums to glitch. 

track 8 is an anxiety attack. it’s crawling out of the pit of hell only to realize that you have to pick up a sword and start fighting for your life. it’s about realizing you’re stronger than you give yourself credit for. you’re also way stronger than that wimp ass ex-boyfriend of yours. inspired by every anxiety attack i’ve ever had but i think also 100 gecs??   track 9 is my demonic hip hop shit. this one is supposed to have a boss battle type energy to it, probably inspired by literal video games. It’s a lament on once being trapped and left alone, but here to stay. you can hear my producer tag clearly for the first time on this one, and it’s supposed to show that i’m not afraid of the dark anymore. 

track 10 is something i put my whole boy pussy into tbh. this is the most emotional track i think i’ve ever made and also the longest song i’ve ever made. this is my epic about betrayal and hating loving someone who constantly disappoints you. ethel cain’s music gave me the courage to make this track.

track 11 is my last statement and my diss track to anyone who thinks they can do or say whatever they want to me because they’ve deemed me attractive. i think i just got so sick of feeling misunderstood at the time and i talking to people who weren't treating me as a human (whether in a good or bad way) someone said it gives them fall out boy vibes but honestly i can’t even say who inspired it, maybe also capri songs by fka and ty dolla sign there are a bunch of different ways to read the album, i kinda also have a story behind the whole thing and some things i’ve envisioned (i’ve touched on some concepts in my promo art) but this is like--- the truth. this is the way and reason the songs were made and where i pulled from. i got to reference a lot of things i love on this album. it’s not perfect but it’s how i wanted.