#tell me you lack basic human brain power without telling me

[lilyharvord]

To the illiterate people with 0 reading comprehension that I have seen on tik tok today claiming that Maven deserved Mare, that it was stupid and "unfair" that he didn't get her, and that clearly with his trauma and what his mother did to him he deserved her:

I would just like to issue a sincere Fuck You to you and any future illiterate children you produce.

[asphaltvalkyrie]

I had an extremely slow day at work today, so I chose to look busy by writing about BG3. Someone smarter than me has probably had this revelation before, but it gave me pause enough for me to feel like I need to share it.

I decided to romance Gale in my 2nd playthrough, with the intent of letting him get ahold of the Crown of Karsus, and its making me Feel Things.  I like this walking apocalypse of a wizard a lot (he and Karlach are my easy faves,) but its taken romancing him to really see that

tl;dr Gale's backstory really makes a handy allegory for gifted kid burnout.

From the beginning he was special, a golden child, someone who would do great things and go far. So, he ended up building his entire personality on that eventuality.  Older authority figures took a special interest in his talent and he immediately wanted nothing more than to please them, at the cost of making friends or learning life skills (well, except cooking apparently?) 

(Then there's the whole issue of him developing a sexual relationship with Mystra who was without a doubt considerably older than he was and had that "but he's so mature for his age," mindset and all the fuckery that comes with that holy shit I can't even begin to desconstruct how much that would fuck someone up.)

Then he makes a mistake. He breaks a rule he didn't know existed. Why doesn't he know that rule existed?  Because no one told him.  They conflated his intelligence with maturity and his self-confidence with knowing his own limits. They forgot that he's basically a kid compared to them. (Elminster is what, centuries old?  And Mystra is a fucking deity.) He lacks the emotional maturity to understand why what he did was so bad. 

Gifted kids know.  Among the absolute worst thing an adult can say to you is "I expected more of you," or "you should have known better." Which is pretty much what Elminster and Mystra said to him. And then they not only withdrew their attentions and support, but they also refused  to help him deal with the orb - an omnipresent physical and spiritual reminder of his trangression. After that... he just has no idea what to do with himself. He sits in his wizard tower until the Mind Flayers get him.

By the time the others find him, he's realized that the talent he used to get by on no longer serves him, but since he built his whole personality around it, he doesn't know how else to act.  So he maintains the bluff and bluster of a child prodigy, but he's now keenly aware of how pointless it is. He seems insufferably arrogant at times, but there's a razor-fine edge of self-loathing to that arrogance that he couches in self-aware humor. Over the course of his short time with the party he starts to feel like he's cared for and among friends, and even proves himself an attentive, affectionate and very grateful partner if you romance him.

Then Elminster shows up and tells him to atone for what he did by suicide bombing the Elder Brain. Bam, there goes his hope of finding a life outside of that "greatness" others told him he was destined for.  Once a gifted kid always a gifted kid.  Destined to be a human sacrifice on the altar of someone else's expectations, for good or ill. 

And in a semi-related note, when you take him through the Dryad's trial, the answer to the question "whats his biggest flaw" is that "he thinks the world would be better off with him dead" and he says that its very true, but he didn't realize it until you said it.

Then you find the Annals of Karsus, and what does he say he wants to do with it? Reforge the Crown of Karsus with it so that he can obtain godlike power and make the world better for mortals, and he wants to share it with you.  With how smart he is, he really should know thats a terrible idea. But he doesn't, because of a combination of hubris and naivete.  He learned absolutely zero lessons from the orb debacle because he hasn't really been allowed to learn any lessons beyond "I just have to do the thing I'm good at, only I have to try harder this time."

I'm only on the second netherstone, but I have a feeling that this is going to end very badly.

[tobitofunction]

Losing Game Link x female!reader

Set before the calamity

Sorry for taking so long, my mental health was kicking my butt recently 

The cold wind was hitting your face, perfectly cooling you as Hyrule summer was cruelling. You were sitting on top of your Divine Beast which overlooked Kakariko Village. You were the chosen champion for the Sheikah, as both Impa and Purah (mostly Impa)  were favoured to pilot the beast but their lack of fighting knowledge was the reason you were chosen, your family were close to the royal family for generations due to natural talent of fighting. 

You were protecting the Princess of Hyrule before the boy who was chosen by sword came along and basically took your job, much to the Princess’s distaste, when you heard the news that you would be replaced as the Princess's protector you were mad, it didn't madder that the sword chose him, no one could protect the Princess better than you. Zelda still had you come with her on her adventure both of you ignoring the knight who just stood in silence even if spoken to. Link was the name of the boy, you had to admit he was very attractive, with his brilliant blue eyes with thick lashes, and golden hair which glittered in the sun pulled back in a low ponytail, he had muscular physic which is normal for someone who is in his profession, his height was nothing special, he was just a bit taller than you but really just by a bit. It took time for the both of you to warm up to each other, Link just stared whenever you tried to talk to him something which Zelda gave up on. The first time Link talked to you is when you finally had enough of his silence and snapped at him,” DO YOU EVER TALK OR JUST STARE LIKE A CREEP” you yelled stomping past him towards the stables wanting to make your way back to Kakariko as Zelda was busy with writing about her research, suddenly you felt a hand wrap around you bicep making you stumble back a bit,” Hey!” you said looking at him,” I don't talk because... I don't want to be a burden to people” he said softly, his blue eyes staring into yours,” Who told you that?”,” Told me what?”,” That you are a burden?”,” Me... everybody is worried enough about Calamity Ganon and Zelda not unlocking her powers, so I don't want to burden people with my problems” he said letting go off you,” Bottling your feelings up isn't good though, you can tell me... if you want” you said rubbing the back of your neck,” I... don't want to burden-”,” You won't be” you smiled making Link smile as well. While ridding your horses back to Kakariko Link told you about how he feels the pressure of being chosen by the sword, how everyone expects him to be perfect, to defeat everything which dares to come his way,” I am strong but mortal, there are times I’m scared to lose not only the battle but also my life, Lyne attacked me once and... and I ran away after a while, I was too scared and I was also worried that you and the Princess might be in danger as you snuck off without telling anything about where you would be going,” Was it the time where Zelda told you to stop following her?” Link nodded,” It’s completely normal to feel that way Link, it’s human. Even the strongest can't win everything, one day you can defeat a Lyne, I know you will,” you said grabbing his hand and giving it a squeeze. Link looked at you,” you know there was another reason why I didn't talk... I... find you really pretty Y/N, like extremely... more even than the Princess, every time you talked or yelled at me my brain kinda went blank” he scratched the back of his head, his cheeks and the tip his ears went red at the confession,” I found you pretty as well but I kinda overlooked as I was to busy being mad at you for taking my job as Zelda protector away and you not talking didn't help” he sighed, his cheeks becoming even redder than before,” How do you feel now?” he asked quietly, you looked ahead of you, noticing the entrance of Kakariko in the far distance,” I’m thinking if you beat me to Karakriko I will consider going on a date with you but if you will lose, I still might considering it after you win in a fight against a Cucco” you smiled at him,” Challenge accepted, on 3. 1,2-” but before he could finish he kicked Epona making her speed off,”3″ he shouted making you gasp,”Cheater” you said galloping after him, trying to catch up to him but Link’s horse Epona was just to fast for your horse. Link stopped Epona right in front of Impa’s house, a chuckle erupted in him as he saw your displeased face, the people around you looking at Link with wonder as it’s the first time Link showed any type of emotion,” You cheated, so no date for you” you stuck your tongue out at him,” Sorry but there is no way I’m fighting those demons” he said nodding towards the Cucco’s who was walking around the village,” Do I still get that date?” he asked getting off Epona and tying her on the post before Impa’s house,” Sure” you smiled.

Your thoughts of the past were interrupted by feeling a pair of arms wrap around you,” Hey” Link whispered into your ear, you were now sitting between his legs,” Hey, you took your time” you smiled grabbing his hand,” Sorry, but I can't stay long either. I’m taking Zelda to the spring of wisdom in hopes to unlocking her power” he said kissing your cheek,” Should I join?”,” We are fine, the view on top of this is always amazing” he said,” Yeah, it is” you said not taking your eyes off him,” Are you scared?” you said randomly,” For what?” Link said lifting a brow,” That Zelda won't be able to unlock her powers in time” you said playing with Link’s blue tunic,” To be fair, I am. Since I have things... or someone to lose now” he said cupping your jaw, his thump caressing your cheek gently, he then gently placed his lips on yours, you hummed into the kiss as Link pulled you closer to his warm body, even though his lips where chapped they still had a sense of softness to them,” I love you y/n, don't forget that okay. No matter the outcome of this trip I will always come back to you, not even Ganon can stop me from seeing you again” he said after pulling away, you don't reply instead you pushed Link onto his back and straddled his waist and pressed your lips back to his. Link was surprised at the action but quickly recovered from it and kissed you back, one of his hands was holding your thigh while the other cupped the back of your head,” Kinky” a voice said making you tumble backwards nearly off the divine beast if wasn't for Link quick reaction time,” Purah! You scared me” you scolded the Sheikah scientist,” Sorry y/n but Linky has a commitment to attend to which isn't happening under our wonderful Sheikah champion but with Princess Zelda” Purah said with an amused smile,” Oh crap” Link said scrambling up,” Don’t worry Linky, I get it. We Sheikah are unresistable and quickly make you forget time. Once you go Sheikah you can't go back” she said making Link and you exchange looks,” I need to go” Link said with a red face.

Once Link left Purah turned to you,” Is he a good kisser?”,” Purah?!!” you gasped,” Did you sleep with each other yet?”,”PURAH?!!” you yelled walking into the beast,” What I’m just wondering, never in a million years I thought Link and you.... or Link with anyone in general” she shrugged,” I always thought you and the Princess actually” you lifted a brow,” What?”,” Yeah, a lot of people thought that... I mean a lot, we had beats going on” she said,” Beats? On me and Zelda becoming a couple?”,” Yep and other potential ships between the champions” she said,” Who was Link shipped with?”,” Well, most people thought he will die alone but other people thought either Mipha or Zelda, some even shipped him with Rivali, you know the whole enemy to lovers thing” Purah said with a smile,” But the top ship was you and Zelda” she said,” That’s...I don't even know what to say” you said honestly,” Purah, don't tell anyone about me and Link... at least not for now” you said grabbing her hand and giving her a pleading look,” Sure, no problem. I need to go, Impa told me to check on the shrine of resurrection, want to join?”, you sighed and then gave her a nod.

Meanwhile, Zelda and Link made their way toward the spring of wisdom,” So why were you late? It’s not like you being late and you seemed quite flustered as well” Zelda said after a while of silence,” Where you with y/n? I know you must be as people saw you going towards Kakariko” Link’s ears began turning red again but he stayed silent,” You don't have to say anything but just to be clear hurt her and I make sure you rot in a jail cell for the rest of your life” Zelda said with a smile but Link could sense she was being serious,” I will never hurt her” Link said,” I know you won't but just need to make sure about the consequences if you” Zelda said,” We haven't been together for long but I already see a future with her, y/n is perfect in every way, her laugh, her soft skin, her eyes in which I can get lost in and her kisses which can make forget time and space” Link said while looking at the clear sky in front of him, Zelda smiled at him,” It’s good, I was worried that you will die alone surrounded by destruction cause of your recklessness” she said making Link smile awkwardly,” I will unlock my powers and then we can seal ganon away, afterwards you and y/n can have hero’s of your own and I will spoil them like there is no tomorrow” Zelda added making Link blush just stronger.

You returned to your Divine Beast after Purah finished whatever had to be done by the shrine of resurrection. From what you heard Zelda and Link arrived at the spring, you sat done near the main terminal of the beast, your mind filling with things you and Link could do once Ganon is defeated for the time being. Travelling Hyrule would be first on your list, being a champion means only being able to attend the places from where the other champions come from and not being able to explore more as training took most of the time at these places. Maybe even getting married at one of these places could be nice, Link already has promised you forever, marriage just would make it official. Your thought however was interrupted by rumbling of the beast and pink, purple and black smoke showing up from behind you, quickly got up and pulled out your weapon as malice laced beast formed in front of you, he looked like parts of his body were mixed with Sheikah technology, a loud screech erupted from it before he began his attack.

Meanwhile, Link struggled to keep the guardians at bay, his body burned from the injuries given from the guardians, blood was trickling down his mouth, and his broken ribs ached with every breath he took which already was beating irregularly,” Link, I’m sorry, I have failed you. I have failed everyone, the champions... they-”,” Don't finish that sentence, they are strong, they will make it. I know she will” rapid beating from the guardian make Link focus back on it, he was prepared to shoot a laster towards the two hylians and Link was prepared to reflect when he felt Zelda push herself in front of him making tumble on the ground which knocked him out.

Link felt a soft hand caress his face, soft kisses being planted on his jaw,” Link wake up” you said softly with a small giggle. Link did as he was told, finding himself in the field in front of his house, he quickly sat up,” You are alive? I knew you would be... I’m so glad, we made it Ganon is sealed right?” Link asked hopefully grabbing your hand,” Link, I’m here to say goodbye and thank you for everything” you said with a sad smile replacing your smile,” I don't understand?” he said,” Ganon took over the divine beast and placed creations of his to take us out in them. I did my best to return to you but I failed, it was too strong for me... for all of us. I will always look over you Link” you said snuggling into his neck,” Your dead? Nononono, you can't be. How am I alive but you aren't” he said pulling you away from him so he can look into your eyes,” You are the hero chosen by the sword, and I’m just a girl who is good with a sword. You need to live Link, I don’t” you said sadly,” You deserve to live as well”,” The shrine of resurrection only has a spot for one person and it will take years for one person to heal from the wounds you suffered. It is fine Link, you have your duty to Hyrule you need to finish” you smiled tracing his lips,” I miss you so much” he whispered, not wanting to accept your fate but he knows he doesn't have a choice in it,” I love you forever” he added,” Fall in love again once you wake up, maybe even with Zelda, people had bets that the two of you will end up together” you joked,” Me and her where the bigger ship though, so don't get cocky” you joked as a tear slipped from your eye,” I will never love someone more than I love you though” Link said,” You don't have too, just love someone, don't want you to die alone” you said hugging him closer,” Goodbye Link” you said before kissing his lips as you slowly glowed in blue and green light before vanishing.

Zelda held Link’s body against hers, he was barely breathing. Tears were streaming down her dirty cheeks. “ I’m sorry, I ruined everything,” she said burying her into his tarted tunic. “He still can be saved Princess, bring his body to the shrine of Resurrection and then the sword where it first pulled” Zelda shot up at the voice, it was robotic but clearly female,” What?” she softly,” But the hero to sleep in the shrine of Resurrection and then face your destiny Princess,” the voice said, the master sword was glowing,” The voice inside the sword” she smiled softly,” PRINCESS!” a Sheikah soldier screamed,” Bring Link to the Shrine of Resurrection,” Zelda said handing Link of the soldiers,” What about you Princess?”,” I will be facing my destiny but before hand, I need to return this to its place of origin,” she said picking up the master sword.

[tunaafishyy]

Genshin 3.2 Update - Additional Thoughts

While I’ve covered my thoughts on Genshin’s 3.2 Update on Twitter already, I wanted to brain dump share some additional thoughts I had… mostly so I don’t forget them in the future 🤪

Also because I wanted to experiment with posting on tumblr… the 10 picture limit for mobile is brutal 🥲.

Anyways, let’s begin~

1. Dreams curing Eleazar?

Ok this one should’ve been in my main 🧵 since it’s kind of a big deal and ruined one of my theories kind of…

…but the people from Sumeru were the only ones affected by Eleazar… because their dreams were being harvested?

We’d kind of already learned that dreams and memories countered Marana in the Aranara quest, but the fact the lack of dreaming seemed to be the cause of Eleazar really surprised me. I kinda assumed the desert people also got Eleazar, but I guess not 😳

Certainly seems to add weight to the “hilichurl curse is the same as Eleazar” idea, since people from Khaenri’ah “dream of dreaming”. It’d basically change that statement to “hope to be cured from their curse” type of thing?

Dreams and dream energy are something I certainly could talk way more about… seems like there’s a lot of be explored here.

2. Another Irminsul Fruit appearance

The Akasha looks like an Irminsul Fruit… and Greater Lord Rukkhadevata tell us that she “thought” (past tense) dreams were the fruit of human wisdom.

3. The weight of responsibility

The conversation with Dehya asking the Traveler to smile reminded me of how one of the Aranara pointed out the Traveller doesn’t really dream anymore. Seems like with each quest, the weight of being a “guardian” keeps growing heavier for the Traveler 😢

The traveler’s view on their responsibilities was further emphasized by Scara’s comments on the Traveller’s “guardian complex”.

4. So many moons

Why does this world have so many moon patterns?! Technically, the first one is in a realm of consciousness, but still! Tons of moons…

5. Haypasia

While it is possible that Dottore wanted to take Haypasia away because she knew something she shouldn’t, I feel like it’s possible he was doing so in case he needed leverage over Scaramouche.

Despite going through all the effort to turn Scaramouche into a god, Dottore had no intention of leaving him as one. The Tsaritsa requires the gnoses, so after Scaramouche was successfully converted into one… Dottore would (at some point) have to de-god Scaramouche to give the gnosis to the Tsaritsa. So, I think it’s possible he wanted to remove Scara’s first “follower” as leverage over the new god, or weaken him… or something.

6. Dottore’s Illusions

One of the strangest moments in the archon quest for me was when Dottore tricks the traveler and company into believing the port was filled with Fatui soldiers.

Was this a hint at the “god-like” powers Dottore might possess? Was he using some sort of device to create the illusions? It feels like this whole scene was really brushed over in game…

7. The arrogance of mortals… I mean scholars…

8. Emotions

I think emotions have a bigger role than I’m able to comprehend right now… looking at Alhaitham’s statement on emotions:

Alhaitham: Emotions are a part of our behavioral logic. But can you guarantee that every experience of the same joy or pain would be equally intense? How can our feelings and opinions be predictable down to the letter in every single instance?

I can’t help but think about how often emotions are brought up in game. More specifically, how the Archons refer to them.

In Zhongli’s voice line, “About Us: Confusion”:

Zhongli: Contracts cannot be used to define friendship, nor measure sentiment. So just what can we use to measure the weight of our emotions? Do you know the answer, friend?

In Venti’s voice line, “About Buer”:

Venti: The first thing you think of when you hear “Dendro Archon” is her power over dreams. Her dreams are akin to my ballads: full of emotion and imagination. It goes without saying that we get along really well.

There’s definitely more examples than this, but I’m not going to put that together right now… just some food for thought for myself 😅

9. Nahida’s Fence Comments

Nahida: Mhm. You may blame me for being a bit too self-indulgent. I was thinking about talking with you, and the next thing I knew, I had made a connection with you.

Nahida: The connection between us is amazing! It’s like flora and the fence it grows upon.

While Nahida and the traveler might think that’s an amazing connection… I find it rather… hm… odd? Is being a fence used by the flower really a great thing? Not only that, but the comparison gets even stranger when Nahida goes to take over the Traveler’s body:

Nahida: You said I should go thank everyone as myself, right?

Nahida: I’ve decided to borrow your body for the time being. Please don’t blame me. The flora also climbs up the fence to get closer to the sky.

Traveler: (Then at least promise me you won’t say anything weird when you’re in my body!) Nahida latches her consciousness onto you.

Additionally, it seems there were some sort of physical toll Nahida taking over the traveler had on them, since Paimon comments on how after Nahida left, the traveler ate a lot of food.

Also, Nahida’s special dish refers to the traveler as a sea anemone… it’s all very odd to me 😅.

Ending Thoughts

Welp, I have a couple of other things related to the update I plan to post on, but think this is a good stopping point for a brain dump/formatting-experiment thread. Thanks for reading~

[norcalbruja]

So in an elaboration of the “I help people in the way they ask” subject, Tony told me a little while back, “look, I started out human. And if someone asks me for help with a problem, I help WITH THAT PROBLEM. I don’t just do the ‘inner-guidance bullshit,’ forget to actually give you some real-life help, and then wonder why you’re still miserable three years later.”

Of course, his desire to help me out also gets a little mixed up with... being Tony Stark.

--

So a couple days before my birthday, Tony said, “So, honey, what kind of birthday present do you want for turning 34?”, and given his talks earlier, he clearly meant an actual “birthday present” and not spiritual hijinxs.

And I spent way too many years getting well-intended questions like that from the spirits and never really getting anything physical/meatspace related, but given his earlier talks and how he got me a free laptop repair, I was like “Uhhhhhh, Tony??? can you get me something that improves my life… legally… so I can either quit my job or get my own place soon???” Honestly I don’t care if that sounds like I’m dealing with the Fair Folk, but he asked. 😭

And given Iron Man's track record, I do not want to stumble on someone's gun stash or something. Hard no on weapons or drugs, Tony.

--

Meanwhile, some superheroes definitely need to watch themselves around actual gods.

On the night of March 20, or the morning of March 21, because my insomnia doesn’t care if it’s my birthday and I’m trying to get to sleep BEFORE 3am, this motherfucker Tony just blasted into the meditation in full Iron Man gear going “BIRTHDAY PRESENT!!! COME ON!!!”

And the Water-Spirit was like "Tony, calm down. She doesn't expect you to give her a present right at dawn."

Tony was like, "Well, what are you gonna do about it, Inkstains? You're whipped."

So Hera went, "Tony, I know this is a strange concept to you, but SHE IS TRYING TO SLEEP!"

Tony went, "You have no power over me, Hera, you can't just TELL me to leave!", so she turned More Goddess (in the way that makes it hurt when mortals behold a Greek god's true(r) form) and then she just bitch-slapped him across the spiritual room. 😬

This facet of Hera clearly likes her Iliad portrayal.

Yeah, so Tony was feeling that when he finally got back up. I think he would have been concussed at bare minimum if he was Flesh-And-Blood, and he went, "Owwww. Ohhhhh my god. Well, goddess. Okay, I'll leave you all to your sleepover."

--

It seems Tony's fed up with my particular lack of meatspace progress. As I've mentioned before on my blog, the spirits I've met can "smell the pain/rage" on me (not helping since I don't know where most of the Tagalog gods are), and here's Tony going, "WELL OF COURSE SHE'S MISERABLE. She asks for the same shit all the time and nothing changed. Have any of you fuckers tried getting her a house or an art career???"

He gets along nicely with Dionysus, who is also fed up with my lack of progress--Dionysus refers to a lot of my spiritual stuff as "people keep giving you self-help shit instead of REAL help."

Tony gives me some serious class-traitor vibes, because he says I'm basically him without the money or the super-suit, and there's a lot more folks like me stuck in retail or other survival jobs than there are rich folks with ACTUAL talent like him.

As Stephen Jay Gould says, "I am, somehow, less interested in the weight and convolutions of Einstein’s brain than in the near certainty that people of equal talent have lived and died in cotton fields and sweatshops."

[thatoneguy031]

[OOC: This is another long boi post. Let's do this, shall we?]

[After Cherry snagged Suicune from outside Opelucid, the pair had made their way back to the location of the party. As they walked (And flew) to the door of the bathroom, they heard a faint noise, but they could barely make out that it was... crying?

Cherry rushed to the door, and began violently shaking the knob, much to Suicune and several humans' chagrin. Even further distressing them, she used Dragon Rush to ram the door open after realizing that just opening it wouldn't work. When she saw who was there, both she and Suicune were stunned.

In the bathroom laid Guy, who was too shocked from Cherry's abrupt entrance to continue crying, at least for the time being. His costume was a wreck. While it wasn't torn, the wrinkles and folds now in the suit said that that wasn't from a lack of trying, and it appeared that Guy had thrown the mask into the bathtub as well.

Guy's fur was a much darker blue than it had been up to that point, and his Miltank-lick that was once Dewott colored was nearly pitch-black. While he had left his helm outside in some bushes, his seamitars and the midsection of his tail were also a dark-blue, with the former containing that same stripe as before.]

...

..."Full... Cowling?"

[Guy tried as hard as Arceus would allow him to fake a smile, but Cherry and Suicune weren't buying it.

Cherry grabbed Guy's hand, practically yanking him upright.]

TELL US.

!???

You know exactly what I'm talking about! Cooper told us everything!...

...What the FUCK, Guy!? Why didn't you tell us anything?!

[Guy was stunned. For the first time since they'd met, Cherry had actually used his real name. She was serious.]

...

If you really wanted to avoid this place, you could've just told me! I wouldn't have been upset!

As a matter of fact, you've never told us jack shit about ANYTHING. What is your problem-

I'M MY PROBLEM, OKAY?!

...

[Guy began screaming at both her and Suicune.]

My life has been a living HELL since I evolved! I was borderline paralyzed for nearly a month because I didn't know HOW to move as a Samurott, I run into YOU a while after that. And because I'm a stupid loser desperate for friends, I did EVERYTHING in my power to make sure you stayed at my side, just short of flat-out STALKING YOU! But because I wasn't upfront about it, you just disappear for basically half a year! After that, I met YOU, Mx. Suicune, but before that, I basically had a heart attack because I can't stand humans!

And why is that?

I can't remember! As far as I'm aware, I'm just a coward that can't stand being around people! Whatever the reason, I will bet my BOTTOM POKEDOLLAR that it's something as brain-dead, pants-on-head moronic as the rest of me!

And the one person I COULD go to regardless of how badly crap hit the fan, THEY died! YEARS AGO, and I'm STILL not over it! For the longest time, it was just me and Shayla, and after they got involved in their own BS, it was just me!

And I was so desperate to make friends, I forgot to keep up with my training! I'm damn-near USELESS on this mess of a team!

Admit it, you two HATE me! It's fine, I'm used to it. Just say it so we can get this over with!

[Cherry and Suicune remained speechless.]

Then the stupid, I don't even know what- Stupid 'aura' thing that's happening! Like I needed literally ANYTHING ELSE I needed to worry about!

Then I turned to a burden you LITERALLY had to carry on your backs for two days because I'm so freaking USELESS, I can't even stand on my own four clumsy feet without help!

THEN THIS ARC-FORBIDDEN PARTY HAPPENED.

Literally, day TWO, I have another heart attack-whatever, and I hide in here for nearly a full DAY, and force YOU dudes to look for me, instead of not being a damned coward and coming out myself, because I was scared of what you two were gonna say to me!

I AM SICK of being seen as a liability!...

...So I think it'd be be better for all of us... if you didn't see me at all.

[Guy's breathing became very shaky and winded, which slowly turned into sobbing, and he turned around so that he wasn't facing them anymore.]

Please... For your sake and mine... Just leave. Before I get someone hurt.

...

[Cherry reached for Guy's paw again, turning him around.]

Guy, you DUMBASS!

?

I would've NEVER ditched you, and I really enjoy being around you, I really do! Suicune can vouch for me, too! And himself!

[The Suicune nodded slowly.]

Again, just tell us next time if something's wrong, dude! You had us worried sick! You're not a burden, at least not as much as you're making yourself to out to be. Even if you WERE, it's worth it to stay with you.

As... problematic, as your situation has been, for everyone involved,

you're a really cool dude to be around!

[Guy remained quiet, unable to say anything that wouldn't sound like incoherent nonsense. But his face said it all; He was glad to have folks like her and Suicune to call friends.

After Cherry Suicune grabbed Guy's belongings, the three of them slowly made their way out of the bathroom...

...only for there to be a human in front of them, presumably a Trainer.]

[pigeonphd]

demo showed me this video which contains most of the anti-ai-art talking points presented neatly and professionally. i've already heard most of the arguments in this video but i'll go over the ones that stuck out to me and explain why i agree or disagree with them. btw i am using "ml" to mean "machine learning" and "mlm" to mean "machine learning model". also i'm also only going to talk about the arguments that relate to "ai art" specifically

processing power needed to run MLMs: this was a pretty small point in the video but i am going to highlight it bc it's one of the actual major problems with ml nobody talks about. a lot of the current hype around generative "ai" is that anybody can use it, but that isn't really true–only the people with a lot of processing power can actually run these algorithms, and as it stands those "people" are corporations that will stop lending you their gpu space the second they realize it's not profitable. the actual bad end for "ai art" is that adobe and disney and the like use it to crank up their garbage output while charging regular people insane amounts of money to do it themselves

unethical labor practices: i wish i could print out this part of the video and staple it to the face of every tech enthusiasts i know because THIS is the real maggot infesting the heart of the industry–that all the tech we take for granted is built on the back of the coerced and invisible labor of people in the global south. the thing is...... this is a problem for the entire tech industry, like i said, so singling out the use of it in mlm training is missing the forest for the trees. it's a testament of the treatment of manual labor under capitalism and the damage that divorcing the laborer from the product can do to a society. conversely, getting mad about ml is not going to improve anything on that front; only the empowerment of the impoverished people being exploited by the tech companies can do that.

generative MLMs producing low quality outputs: i'll tackle this one from both angles: if this is an issue of "capitalism discards meaningful art in favor of bland marketability", then again, a problem but not a new or unique one–one look at the current state of hollywood, which is still mostly human-produced, will tell you that. if this is an issue of "there's too much bad art on my instagram feed" then so what? good art cannot exist without bad art, and the amount of bad art being made will probably be much greater than the amount of good art made even in a post-capitalist world. that's just the nature of art. also i think the janky uncanny ml art is the coolest form of ml art by far

on the other hand, MLMs producing outputs indistinguishable from human products: only a problem when artists lie about the medium in which they made their work (true of every art medium) or when artists' livelihoods depend on how much bland art they can churn out (the default state of an artist under capitalism)

ML's inherent lack of creativity: i've stated before that i'm not interested in defining "art", and i'll tack "creativity" onto that as well; we won't really know how "creation" happens until we have a comprehensive understanding of the human brain (or god takes a vacation down here and tells us. or something). but i will say this: mcgee argues that because the machine does the actual generation, the product will never be truly original. to which i would respond: so what? originality is not the end-all-be-all metric by which to judge art. if it was then neil gaiman would be screwed

the assertion that ml artists are lazy and only "true" artists can make good art: dude, the vast majority of people generating ml art are basically treating it like picrew. they're regular guys, possibly new to the art world, that have no confidence in their artistic ability and just want to see their oc the way they imagine in their heads. this could be a great way to introduce people to the world of art if we applaud their earnestness and encourage them to keep creating regardless of quality. or we could accuse them of being hacks, i guess. (weakest part of the video imo)

finally, the assertion that training an MLM on copyrighted content is stealing: saving this for last bc so many people (mcgee included) take it for granted that this is true but i still don't buy it. the line between inspiration and plagiarism is blurry at the best of times, but a decent rule of thumb independent artists seem to have used for a while is "it's plagiarism if it's a direct copy of the original" which leaves room for stuff like fanfiction and fanart. the thing is, diffusion mlms DON'T copy art, they approximate it as a handful of numbers which they then multiply by a few million other numbers when the time comes to produce output. i fail to see how this, in the context of art ownership, is meaningfully different than a human taking direct inspiration from the original piece. you can argue that it's not truly original, sure, but stealing? why would an action only be theft if it's a machine doing it?

conclusion: i came off very critical here, so let me be clear: these are specifically disagreements about the way mcgee characterizes ai art and people who use it. the rest of the video is about how much the tech industry sucks, which yeah. it totally sucks. mcgee correctly identifies the problems with how the industry treats art, labor, and humanity, as well as the catastrophic fallout of that treatment on general society. el problema es el capitalismo dot jpeg

[uh-velkommen]

Where's the excitement? Life in Sweden:

It's my second full day in Sweden and I have nothing exciting to report other than the wild emotions in my brain. I have little desire to go out and mingle just yet because I've been working my ass off a lot lately and I just need some time to recover. I told a friend that I don't necessarily feel excited about this next chapter of my life because I'm really trying to focus on making the right decisions. A year ago this whole "grad school abroad" thing was really just a manic-impulsive trauma response situation. I wanted to get as far away from my family as possible but also a part of me felt like it was the right move. Like, I was meant for this international traveler's life. As time went on, I started having to really think about the repercussions of a move this big. Am I willing to give up my job, my apartment, my comfort, my minimal student debt? None of my decisions are influenced by interpersonal connections so at least that part was easy. My whole internal conflict was in regards to how much stress I was willing to take on and if I would be strong enough to see it through.

Now that I'm here, I'm again stuck wondering if this was the right decision. Part of it stems from the fact that I'm in Sweden and not Norway. Is this lack of excitement due to the fact that I have no real connection to Sweden? Do I still wish I was actually in Norway? Because, remember, this all started after spending a summer in Norway and learning about Grad schools there. I keep trying to be realistic; I couldn't afford Norway, the timeline didn't work out in my favor, and it's much easier to become a Swedish citizen than a Norwegian citizen (though that's not my end goal, it's still nice to be aware of). Then there's the thought that Norway was exciting because of many reasons, it was my first time abroad, I spoke the language, SKAM, and it was a study abroad trip (those are meant to be fun and I saved just enough money to spend recklessly.) Therefore, I keep reminding myself that this isn't a study abroad trip. This is business. I need to save money, I need to focus on succeeding academically, building connections, experiencing the workforce, finding stability and start planting roots. I have no time to revel in the fun and excitement that the school has to offer.

Also the lack of connection to Sweden allows me to think without the rose-colored glasses. This country is entirely normal. I feel so neutral about being here and I don't know if that's the wrong feeling to have. When people ask me why I chose Sweden, I jokingly answer, "Well I wanted to go to Norway and this was the second best option." Although, I'd never say that to an actual Swede because how messed up would it be to ask a foreigner why they're in America for them to tell me, "Well I actually wanted to go to Canada and I got stuck here instead." I really mean it when I say I'm joking because in all actuality, Lund University was a wiser financial decision, a school that prioritizes post-graduate employment, it has a strong humanities department, and it's built around being an international school. It is a good choice but I tend to leave every school I've attended regretting my time there and I'm scared about this massive change being the wrong one.

I'm tired of people asking me if I'm excited because I'm so unsure of everything that I just default to feeling nothing. And I can't share this with anyone because I get such basic responses like, "You'll be fine, you got this." I know I tend to power through things, I know I got this, but I also know I'm gonna be stressed and reclusive the entire time until it's over. I'm not sure if these feelings are just a form of imposter syndrome, regret, nervousness, or uncertainty. Am I really making the right decision or did I just sign up for something when I was in a manic mood and get stuck having to see it through because everyone around me was in on it and I had no other plans for my life, if not this? I'm so mad that I got so many people involved because I felt trapped. Like, I couldn't back out of it, I had no choice. So many people wanted to experience this through me and that added another layer of confusing emotions to this journey. It's no longer a fun life changing experience for me, I'm stuck doing it for them. To be frank, I didn't want to be alive and so now I'm using other people as an excuse to keep me here. I keep making irrational decisions.

School hasn't even started yet. Who knows how I'm gonna feel after that first week. Maybe it's just the calmness of this week that's causing me to sulk like this. (also there's like too many spiders here for my liking)

[monk-of-meditation]

Monk's Secret Recipe for Ethics

In some species, there is a substantial size difference between the sexes, which creates a dominance hierarchy of males with males at the top being the only ones the females choose to mate with; consequently these are less likely* to mate for life.

In other species, there is no size difference which means that instead of selecting for toughness, they select for the ones who will stick around and be good parents and sometimes good neighbors; they mate for life*.

It's not just size, it's behavior, social structure (or lack thereof), and just basically how they interact with each other. Nature is all about selection for two things: mating and surviving.

Humans are about 50/50* on this. There's a size difference between sexes, but relatively small; so we want to dominate. We're also incredibly into monogamy because raising kids is a fucking chore*. But I digress; we're made of both, and it explains a lot about why we are the way we are.

Selection for domination is very different than selection for someone to care for your offspring. One rewards competition, while the other rewards caring about someone other than yourself.

Humans are very competitive; we've been trying to figure out better and better ways to kill each other for millenia. But we are also capable of empathy; we have societies where we not only care for our relatives, we care about those around us!

Which is better? Thanks for asking, I'm the author of the universe so clearly I know the answer. Idiot. But seriously, competition is no joke. Could we have become the dominant species on the planet without competion? Could we have have the medicine we do now? Would we have created the Oreo milkshake?

I don't feel smart enough to know. But what I do know now is that we made it. We aren't endangered. There's nothing left to dominate, no predator threatening us. We don't need to worry about survival. We've got that shit in lockdown so hard, we can actually use our incredibly intelligent knowledge fact-o's to eliminate suffering. So while competition may have been needed to get us this far, I choose to value empathy.

Why? Dude, what is with all the questions? Empathy is awesome, okay? Most movies are comedies in respect to having a happy ending, because we like happy endings for fictional characters! We pack bond with dogs and cats and basically anything that will let us!

Intelligence makes things more interesting in that we have a great ability to communicate some incredibly complex things! We can share with each other in so many words and songs and paintings and movies and these thinfs we do to try to capture the ineffable experience of being a conscious entity in this fucking nightmare of a timeline.

Speaking of consciousness, we not only recognize that other humans are other people that we interact with socially, we understand that they are conscious as well and are experiencing their own life.

Here's the last ingredient in the secret recipe for my ethics: suffering. I personally have suffered and let me tell you, I fucking hate it. I've hated it so much that I wanted to stop being alive. I've met people have gone through similar suffering. We're pretty much all destined to go through similar sufferings. For fucks sake, the first Noble Truth is that suffering is unavoidable; to put it another way, life isn't just suffering but it sure as fuck is required.

Here's the neat thing about the culmination of everything I've gone over so far: we can empathize with people for situations we haven't even personally experienced. We can use our the incredibly advanced metaphor machine known as our brain to extend empathy due to similar emotions, not situations. I can empathize with any sadness someone is having on the least that I know sadness myself. It sounds simple but what a powerful abstraction. What an ability to be connected more to our own kind – on the whole and with each person you meet – in a way that is completely unique to nature* on Earth.

The only thing is, it's a choice. Empathy for loved ones comes naturally but empathy for those far removed takes intention. The hardware of our brains simply wasn't evolved to deal with a world of 8 billion of fellow sufferers.

Life fucking sucks. It is incredibly cruel. No matter how much I may hate someone, loathe someone, or even see someone as a monster, they still suffer. Like me. And that fucking sucks.

If we have all of this knowledge, all of this power, all of this capability, and we continue as conscious beings to prioritize personal gain over eliminating suffering, we fucking suck. (Which we do, by the way. We fucking suck so bad it's embarassing, but that's a whole other matter). In the range of suck, I want to lean as far into not sucking – into using my fucking miracle of emergent* consciousness capable of changing the lives of those around me – as I possibly can.

So there's my recipe.

Biology – being wired to care

Philosophy – recognizing another consciousness capable of suffering (and their Buddha-nature)

Suffering – shit sucks, bro, and I know that feel.

You might condense all of this – the intellectual knowledge, the emotional empathy, the experiential qualia (my Buddha-nature) – down into a word like compassion.

That's my ethics. Compassion. It's not heartless calculation or blind empathy. It is using calculation to give empathy sight beyond those we love or like or agree with. It is mindful empathy.

​​Compassion is the most important thing in the world*. It is not essential to the human experience; it's a choice to do. And I believe that saying "yes" to compassion is the greatest thing that humans can bring into the world.

​​

*not a scientist

[star-anise]

I'm up around 3am, thinking about incels and tradwives. (Note: If these are movements you're a fan of, or if you just want to fight with me generally, I will block you if you annoy me, and even if you behave there's a $20 fee if you expect me to actually reply to you in any way.)

This got started because of Khadija Mbowe's and F.D Signifier's videos about Black patriarchy, which has led me to pick up bell hooks' 2004 book The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love.

The thing that hooks says that really knocked my socks off in a "how dare you notice that" way is that a lot of people, men and women alike, are angry not just because of the male violence they've experienced, but because of the lack of male love they've experienced.

Which like, part of being human means that being seen and cared about is pretty viscerally equated with survival in our brains. We want it, we need it, we suffer when it isn't there. To be seen and genuinely loved by the people in our lives matters, so we are always affected when there's someone important to us who doesn't seem to see us, to love us, to care about our wellbeing, or to be proud of our accomplishments. It matters to be disregarded, rejected, or shamed by someone we want to love us.

But no power in the world can compel another person to give a shit about you—a truth most of us spend our lives frantically suppressing because being unloved is terrifying, so we work at being better, more attractive, smarter, more accomplished, more charming, sexier, or to be brutally honest, more lovable. But when we do experience a lack of love, a lot of us take that anger and decide to opt for second best. If we can't be loved, we can at least be powerful. Power can take a lot of forms, but because the lack of male love often goes hand-in-hand with violence, people who face it generally want, at the very least, to not be hurt anymore.

But there's another element in play. Patriarchal gender roles divide behaviours and skills in a very particular way: Boys and men are expected to use power to dominate, and girls and women are supposed to use emotions to tend and nurture. Anyone who fails to perform those roles gets harshly punished. Terrence Real talks about how this leaves men with very limited knowledge of their own emotional needs or how to communicate them to other people, and Paul Kivel talks about how boys are taught that this is women's work—that if they are masculine enough, they will attract a woman who will make sure that they feel loved and cared about. How a great deal of men's anger towards women is the feeling that women are witholding this essential service, or failing to fully handle men's emotions (which is pretty damn common, since humans aren't telepaths so it's basically impossible to reach inside someone's head and change their emotions for them).

So hooks notes that women are just as likely to uphold patriarchal gender roles as men, and one element of that is women's anger when men are emotionally vulnerable. Men who confess to their partners that they feel lost and ashamed and unworthy of love are doing exactly what women keep saying we want men to do, but the reaction many women have is a kind of incredulous frustration—"You want me to handle all this? Fuck no, I'm busy!"

Part of that reaction is that in patriarchal gender roles, it is a woman's literal job to completely soothe and manage her male partner's emotions—to diligently praise him, make him feel more accomplished, and to reassure him of her ongoing love and admiration in all things. And that is a lot of work that is quite likely not to succeed because it's really hard to talk someone out of a self-hating funk. (There's also an element of just plain sexism. Even without the implied demand for help, some women just think men's vulnerability is pathetic or laughable.)

The feminist response to this that hooks, Real, and Kivel advocate for is to spread the load a little more evenly; to work to reduce the violence with which gender roles are policed, to allow men to be soft and emotional, but in the process, give them the emotional skills to handle the shame and dread we all feel sometimes about not being lovable or or worthy, and empower them to form many different emotionally fulfilling relationships.

So the thing about incels is, they tend to be obsessed with finding a woman who will make them feel worthy, sexy, accomplished, admirable, and dominant, like a "real man". The prospect of getting a woman is the single potential oasis of love and support in an incredibly bleak desert landscape in which a romantic partnership is the only possible source men are permitted to seek love and care from. A man who hasn't gotten a girl is a pathetic loser whose life is meaningless.

What that entire worldview takes for granted is how the desert became a desert in the first place. How boys learn to fear the violence and rejection that comes from stepping out of their gender role by being emotionally vulnerable or by emotionally nurturing somebody else; how emotional knowledge and expression are punished by a system that says men should always seek to dominate. The desire for a female partner rests on a bedrock of learned fear and contempt for the idea that men can or even should have the kind of emotionally close and supportive friendships among themselves that women tend to have with each other.

Incels are the fucking allegory of the long spoons in action. They gather in huge numbers to discuss their pain, frustration, and disappointment about their difficulty attaining a relationship that provides emotional fulfillment, but it's impossible for them to try to seek or offer that kind of relationship with the many many people right there also looking for love, because violating the gender rules means inviting violence and ostracism. Affection and mutual esteem between men is super gay and doesn't count, especially when it's provided because of a mutual vulnerability instead of admiration for achievement. So it's incredibly hard for incels to in any way break out of the mental cage that says the way to be loved is to be as masculine, as stoic and unemotional and successful and admirable and dominant as possible. And because being dominant tends to require people to be better than, incels spend a lot of time criticizing each other for failing to be masculine enough, and therefore not worthy of love.

Meanwhile... tradwives.

If you're into men, the dream of being truly loved by a man who will take care of you and make your life materially better is fucking amazing stuff. That's just... that's just The Dream, okay? The romance industry's extreme popularity decade after decade will tell you what bell hooks also notes: Women who are into men want to be loved by men SO MUCH.

So it really seems to me that the basic appeal of being a tradwife is managing to be submissive enough to get the men they love to genuinely show up and fully commit to loving them. If conflict in relationships happen because men feel threatened in their masculinity or not fully loved by their wives, then gosh darnit, these women will plaster themselves over the cracks to make sure there are absolutely no problems. That will earn them a relationship where they are truly loved and appreciated.

(It's a trap. I hate to say it, but we're not a telepathic species, and you will never manage to be good enough to actually change what someone else feels. No matter how hard you submit, your husband will still feel moments of doubt and fear and inadequacy, because he's human and we're built like that. It's the cross we have to bear as a species. And it does not go well at all if both of you are used, in those moments, for blaming you for whatever you "did" to "make" him feel that way.)

[softluci]

aggressive affection, i think

(part two here!)

[ @yourlocalsinnamonroll​ (hi!) sent me an ask to do more gen z headcanons and i started working on something for her, except it isn’t actually a set of headcanons, but rather a really long...one-shot? but anyway, i thought of actual headcanons that i can share now, so i can return to my ROOTS hopefully this will do in the meantime. ]

i’m not sure if this is something unique to younger people, but i am one hundred percent sure that younger people do it a lot, just going off of the behavior of my friends and i. (i’m gonna tell you now that this isn’t entirely sfw, so minors dni please and thank u)

but i’ve found that it’s pretty common for friends to be, like, aggressively affectionate with one another, for lack of a better phrase. if not aggressively affectionate, then just really flirtatious, often for no reason, and it is still meant entirely in a platonic sense. some examples of this that i have experienced include, but are not limited to:

“i’m gonna eat you,” “do u wanna make out,” “just remember, no matter WHAT happens, i will ALWAYS wanna make out with you,”  “i have literally wanted to fuck all of you at some point,” “let’s have sex,” “stfu before i kiss you,” [points to lap] “is this seat taken?” “every day i’m like, ‘wow, [name] is so cool, we should make out,’” and so on and so forth.

so you can imagine the fun i’m about to have.

lucifer

“blindsided,” does not even begin to describe what you’ve done to this man. while his recovery time was quick, he was still so, so confused. 

all he said was, “you look nice today,” why did you threaten to kiss him? was that even a threat? 

he doesn’t know because you said, “stop before you get kissed on the mouth,” but it doesn’t matter because you failed to consider that he is obsessed with you in dire need of a kiss on the mouth, and you, silly thing that you are, just provided conditions under which he can get one. 

that said, have fun trying to explain to this man that you were joking while he’s holding you against him with the most smug look on his dumb little face. if you don’t wanna kiss him, okay, but by the time he feels like letting you go, your face is gonna be scorching and you will have properly learned not to do that again. unless you enjoyed yourself, in which case—

by the way, if you believe in a higher power, you had better pray he doesn’t do this to you because now that you’ve planted the idea in his villainous little brain, he’s just biding his time. so the next time you compliment him innocently, and he says, “be quiet before i kiss you,” like the monster he is, assert your dominance by kissing him first, it’s the only way to maintain your dignity. 

mammon

why would you do that to him. he is literally in love with you, you can’t be doing this. he knows he’s an attractive person, but you can’t tell him that, and you especially can’t do it by flirting with him, it’s embarrassingly disarming. especially since he was going to make fun of you once he saw that you were looking at the issue of majolish with him on the cover. he had a plan and everything, and you ruined it. he was gonna say something dumb cool, after which you would be embarrassed , and he would laugh. 

but then you looked at him, said, “i’m gonna eat you,” and his entire plan was thwarted. now you have to stand there and watch him struggle to form a sentence while his face gets red. you should take this opportunity to bite him, give him a little nom on the shoulder or something, just to razz him. it’ll be great, i promise. 

luckily, he can’t even think about doing this to you without having to lie down, so you should be safe—unless, of course, he catches both you and himself by surprise. so if you get nommed on, you had it coming. 

levi 

you menace. you absolute villain. you’re laughing. 

levi was about to go into a match he was nervous about, and then you said, “it’s okay, no matter what happens, i will always wanna make out with you,” and then he dropped his controller and blacked out, and you’re laughing. 

you’re terrible. absolutely awful. acquaint yourself with shame while you blow cool air into his face and shake him awake. 

when he does wake up, and he reminds you that he’s the avatar of envy, do nawt be surprised. 

try to explain to him that you were kidding and let it slip that you say these types of things to everyone and you’re getting a tail around your waist. no matter how much he might stutter while he makes his point, the fact remains that he’s the only one you’re allowed to say these things to now. you can do it to the others while he’s not around if you feel so inclined, but he’s going to find out eventually, so good luck explaining yourself while he doesn’t keep his tail still when he uses it to hold you in place. 

your only saving grace here is that he is physically incapable of doing it to you, but, you know. that probably gets overridden by how possessive he’s gonna get.

satan

you’re deranged. or just really confident. or a fool. it doesn’t matter, you fucked up. he said a normal thing, and then you threw him for a loop. 

you were nervous about an exam the next day, he said, “you’re a capable person, you have nothing to be worried about.” 

and then you, evidently forgetting that he is not one of your human friends, said, “flattery will get you made out with,” and tried to walk away. 

first of all, how was that flattery? he was stating a fact. second of all, who said he didn’t wanna make out with you🤨. he never said that, you are making assumptions about him and his character. 

anyway, he has no idea where you think you’re going, but you didn’t make it very far before he caught up to you anyway. 

when he repeats what you said back to you in the form of a question, with that deceptively polite look on his face, know that he is being rhetorical. do not bother trying to explain yourself, it’ll be difficult to do so in a convincing manner while he’s backing you up to the nearest wall. do not be surprised when he takes this opportunity to blindside you with praise, directly into your ear, with that fatally smooth voice of his. and do NAWT be surprised when he pulls back and says, “why am i not being made out with?” with a dumb little smile. it brings him a lot of joy to see you squirm.

you don’t even have a saving grace here. this man is ruthless, he’s gonna do this to you literally whenever he wants, and he won’t even let you look away, let alone run away, so find joy in the monster you have created. 

asmo

listen. unless you are genuinely empty headed, there is absolutely no way you did this on accident. 

he wasn’t even doing anything out of character either, it was the middle of self-care night, he was putting moisturizer on your face for you, and he went, “you’re even cuter up close,” which is a normal, tame thing for him to say.

so unless you just have uncontrollable knee-jerk reactions, no way did you say, “so make out with me then,” to this man, by accident.

you’re lucky he has some knowledge of the fact that you sometimes say things that aren’t smart, so he didn’t just immediately jump on you; however, you are by no means in the Clear. 

you blinked and he was nose to nose with you and basically in your lap. now you have to deal with his wandering hands while you try and explain yourself—that is, if you can even overcome how flustered you are, which you probably can’t. luckily, he knows you probably didn’t mean it, but he’s still asmo, so he takes it upon himself to be respectfully heinous like the gentleman he is.

so when he somehow manages to get even closer to you and says, “honey, you should really get a handle on those impulses of yours, unless you plan on following through,” like the bastard he is, know that from that point forward, whatever happens is on you. 

here is another man with whom you have no saving grace; now that you’ve given him the idea that he can be more explicit with you,,, well.

beel

you’re a heathen. why would you do something like this. well, you know what, maybe you aren’t that much of a heathen, considering that you did bake cookies for him. that was really sweet of you, so he thanked you and complimented your skill, like a regular person.

so why, exactly, did you say, “i only accept thanks in the form of kisses, preferably with tongue,” ? something is genuinely not right with you. 

now you have this man standing there, confused and red in the face. he’s trying to do the math, and nothing is adding up. like, it’s definitely doable, he can definitely do that, but, like, why would you make this request so suddenly?

this is probably the only instance in which you can coherently say, “i was kidding, you don’t actually have to do that,” and it almost doesn’t work. 

you absolutely should not have been leaning against the counter because now he’s standing in front of you, and you have nowhere to run. 

however, the thing about beel is that he is someone who flusters people without meaning to, so he has no idea of the effect that his, “are you sure?” has on you. 

luckily, you’re still mostly coherent because you know that beel isn’t heinous like his brothers, so you manage to tell him that he doesn’t have to kiss you if he doesn’t want to because you were kidding. 

you have every right to be surprised when, all of a sudden, you’re sitting on the counter, and he says, “why do you think i don’t want to?” 

do you have a saving grace with this man? kind of. he would never say what you said or something similar, but the next time he compliments you and you choose to be normal and say, “thank you,” he’s gonna ask if he should kiss you, so try not to collapse.

belphie

now. he isn’t the Worst Person you could’ve done this with. but by god you are out of your mind.

your first mistake was choosing to lie down next to him, not because you had plans to be a menace, but because he is always a menace and has a thing for reminding you, which he can do more easily when you’re in proximity to him. 

so when he said, out of nowhere, “are you ticklish?” you should’ve just rolled away, which wouldn’t have worked, but it would have been less chaotic then saying, “you are legally required to make out with me before you try and find out.” 

you said it so casually that he was almost stunned into staying still, but his recovery time was excellent.

the next thing you knew, you were laying underneath a very smug, very menacing man, who seemed entirely too prepared to listen to what you had to say for once. 

“legally?”

okay, so, maybe you should’ve chosen your words more carefully, but he was seconds away from tickling you, so you didn’t exactly have time to defend yourself. you can never backtrack with belphie anyway, so it makes sense that you went headlong into your claim, telling him that yes, this is, in fact, the law of the land. 

“i was never one to pay attention to the law, but since you’re being so insistent, i guess i don’t really have a choice—”

leave it to him to pretend like you’re a burden as if he isn’t literally head over heels in love with you like everyone else fond of you. bastard. 

there is absolutely nothing to save you from this man. he isn’t tactful enough to wait for an opportunity to do this to you, like satan or lucifer, so expect to be Just Sitting There when he tells you that you’re required to make out with him right this instant—it’s the law. 

[danielxricciardo]

Can you do one with Max, with 46 and 55 from angst list?

Summary: You are suffering from depression and Max tries to be by your side

Warnings: angst, swearing, mentions of suicide, depression

Word count: 3.6k+

46. “I’ll leave, and the world will move on. I just wish I could see it. See how much better everything is when I’m gone.”

55. “You’re good at finding things. Find me a reason to stay.”

Depression feels like a lot of things.

It feels like sadness, which is what everyone will tell you. It's a pretty common thread.

"I'm worthless."

"Everyone thinks I'm a horrible burden."

So on and so forth.

Everyone in the world is happy but you, and in the end, you are a worthless piece of shit that doesn't belong in this otherwise glorious and happy place. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and you are lying there on your bed in the same unlaundered pair of pajamas, wondering why you are even allowed to keep living any longer. Some meteor strikes or lightning bolts should be reserved for people like you because you are taking up space and oxygen and food and other resources that real, happy, productive people need.

It feels like emptiness. You have all these possibilities and none of them seem interesting. You could do some art, or play some music, but that just doesn't feel right. There's no joy in it. You could have sex with your significant other, but you can't muster up the desire. You could play video games, or read a book. But what's the point? There's no real benefit to all of it but passing the time. You could get up and make lunch. But no, you're not that hungry, and if you close your eyes, time will pass a little faster. You can lie there. That works. It doesn't require active effort to do something fruitless. Everything is as empty and fruitless as lying and staring out your window at the clouds and the shifting shadows of tree branches, and so why do anything else?

It feels like fatigue. Standing up out of your bed requires the same amount of bodily effort as climbing several flights of stairs. Managing to get dressed and walk outside is like running a race. Heaven helps you if you try to go to the store or a friend's house -- that may as well be on the other side of the continent. Every step is heavy. Every muscle motion requires ten times the work it used to. Exercise becomes difficult, and control over your body expires quickly. You become clumsier, so heavy lifting is right out. You daze out randomly, daydreaming, even dozing, so biking or running is hard. You feel most at home when you are entirely relaxed, so you lie down...and don't get up again until something like your bladder compels you.

It feels like a loss of control. You have no idea why your brain and body are doing this. You don't want to feel sad. Nobody wants to feel shitty and tired and empty all the time. People will look at you and say, "It's like you don't want to get better." Those people are idiots. You truly, deeply, from the bottom of your soul, have no idea why this has happened or what to do. It's not logical. It makes no sense. You woke up like this, or it crept in overtime or something like that. It's like a fog, a force of nature that sweeps in, occludes everything, and there's not one thing you can do about it from where you stand. Trying feels like taking a paper fan outside and trying to blow away the morning mist. Someone has tied puppet strings to your brain and is playing this hideous dance with it, and you don't have the scissors to cut them away. The dance doesn't make sense; it's arbitrary and rhythmless. If you had any sort of reasoning behind it, you could take control. But you don't.

It feels like desperation. You can't find a way out. You lie there at night, keening into your pillow like a wounded animal, making all sorts of noises that no human being should be able to make. You claw and scratch at the sheets, or at yourself, as the pain wrings itself out through bodily expression. The tears won't stop. You don't know why. All you know is that it hurts, it really and truly hurts, and you think if it goes on any longer, you're going to die. Right there. Bleed out on the floor. So you grab up your phone, and you call someone at 4 AM, and you beg them to please just make it stop. You bury yourself in books and movies because at least then you can imagine something else than yourself. You read nonstop. You have to have your fix. It's like an addiction, no, more like a life support machine. Otherworlds, fantasies of happiness, and real experiences that aren't your horrible existence become the iron lung keeping air flowing in and out. You are alive because you can stop thinking for a while. Your friends come over to comfort you. Their stories keep you sane and well, like dialysis for all the toxins in you. Your mind has failed at being independent, and now it relies on a thousand little machines to keep itself running. You rely on one machine until another comes to save you. You read books until your friends come by. You stretch out your time with friends until you have to bury yourself in a movie again just to keep the thought of real-life away.

It feels like untamed anger. Your friends can't keep this up forever. You fall further and further, and you eventually start dropping commitments. You have become That Person, the flake that everyone knows will back out. People start getting annoyed at you, annoyed at how they have to spend so much time just keeping you afloat, annoyed at how often you're causing them trouble by constantly disappearing and backing out of appointments, and so on. Your workplace gets annoyed at your lack of productivity. And then you can't take it anymore, and you want to scream at them, grab them by the throat and shake them because IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! You start having twisted fantasies, the ones where you walk up to that person who keeps telling you he can't do this anymore, you're just too unreliable, putting a gun to your head and pulling the trigger. Just to make him know, for once, that FUCK HIM, your problems are REAL, DAMMIT, REAL, and he better FUCKING RESPECT that. And when you're gone, he'll fall to his knees and cry, and he'll say, he wishes he had understood, that he didn't mean to be so unkind, and the scar on his heart from his own failure will remain fresh and knotted for eternity. And then you shake yourself out of the daydream, and you wonder why you have turned into such a horrible person, someone who even considers ending their own life just to spite another human being. Then it creeps back in, the knowledge that the world is getting fed up with you...and the cycle begins again. You start thriving off these daydreams, because at the very least if you can't be happy, you can throw caution to the wind and get the petty, oddly satisfying revenge buried under all those layers of morality that are becoming worn and flaking away. It's just a fantasy, right? And it helps pass the time...

It feels like forever. You have forgotten what it's like to truly be joyful. You can imagine it, but it's not really you in those thoughts. This is who you are. This is your life. This is you.

It feels like you have only one thing truly under your power: your existence. You cannot choose what life throws at you. Your brain and body have betrayed you. Your friends have worn away, and you've fled from your job and any commitments you have.

It feels empowering. You can jump whenever you want.

But he accepted you the way you are. He never reproached you for negatively influencing his mentality or life, even though you knew he felt it too. He always listened to you, he was with you even at 2 in the morning when you were crying on the bathroom floor with your knees to your chest, and you knew it wasn't right. It wasn't right for him to go through, basically, what you were going through. But no matter how much you told him you could do it without his help, Max was coming back more insistently than ever.

He came up with the idea to start therapy. "You have to find out why you feel this way. Go at least once, see how it is, if you don't like it or feel that it doesn't help you, you will give up, okay?" That was a year and a half ago.

The psychologist gave you a diagnosis from the first session: Major Depressive Disorder. Sure you knew what the three words meant, but you didn't know what it meant to have a label on your condition.

"A major depressive disorder is characterized by one or more of these depressive episodes. the diagnosis of major depressive disorder requires depressed mood or anhedonia which is the loss of interest in pleasure and five or more signs or symptoms for the SIGECAPS mnemonic for a 2-week period. (SIGECAPS) Sleep Disturbance, loss of Interest, feeling Guilty, feeling fatigued and low in Energy, having decreased Concentration, decreased or increased Appetite and been agitated and slow and having Suicidal ideation."

It sounds incredible to you. Suicidal thoughts? Not everyone has a thought, somewhere, behind their mind 'What if I disappeared?'

You were prescribed Prozac and Zoloft and it helped. You weren't always sad anymore, you could go to the races with Max and support him as a normal girlfriend does. You apologized to my friends who tried to help me and whose lives you made impossible and you managed to get back to work, from home anyway. Sure, you still had moments when you felt like you weren't 100% yourself but not like before. You did therapy twice a week and the psychologist was happy with your evolution.

But being the stupid ass that you are, you stopped taking the medication. You took the last pill on Friday. Because you were fine. You felt ok, everyone around you told you you were better, you were doing amazing, so you were cured, right? Or so you thought. Saturday was normal. Sunday was not. Your mood and energy were very low. You woke up at like 2 in the afternoon. That is not unusual for you. You’re used to it. You were sad. You were exhausted. You knew that feeling like this was “no excuse” so you tried to force yourself to do it anyway. Typical of your life. You feel like you had already taken so much off work because of the triple-header, you were for three weeks attached to the hips with Max.

The only thing you thought of was dying. And that terrified you. And Max senses something was wrong. But he didn't want to tell something and ending up being wrong and you being upset by his misinterpretation. But, yes, he sensed that you were becoming your old self.

"Hey, babe," he snapped you out of your daydreaming. A tragic one, where you were finally at peace and Max was crying for you. You were on the verge of crying yourself at the mere image of Max in your head. But you pushed it far from your mind, somewhere in a dark corner for you to find it at an appropriate time to fantasize about your dying. "How about we go to a picnic? It's sunny outside."

Yes, the wheater was amazing. It was finally summer and you could go outside and spend some time with Max. But your brain literally is tricking you into thinking you don't deserve to enjoy the sunny day. Why? You don't have an answer.

"I'm not really in the mood, Max. Sorry."

You are not in the mood. That was his affirmation. You are not ok.

"You feeling good?"

"Yeah. Just tired I guess."

"But you just woke up."

You shrugged. He was right. You just woke up, so why do you feel like you were carrying a ton of bricks on your shoulders? You couldn't walk. You almost felt like 18 months ago. And that is when it hit you. And Max, at the same time.

"Still taking your meds, I hope."

Silence. Your mind was like overcrowded and you couldn’t take it anymore. You grabbed your head and pulled your hair because you wanted it to stop. You were thinking that you didn’t know what to think. You didn’t know how to think. You didn’t know how you felt. You were like anxious-depressed-angry-miserable-irritable all in one. Your head was spinning with thoughts. Thoughts were talking over thoughts. So fast that you couldn’t even make out one complete sentence. It was just too much for you to handle. You just wanted someone to kill you.

Max came to you and he hugged you so hard you thought he could crush your bones right there and then. You calmed down eventually. But now you were embarrassed. Because Max saw you, again, at your lowest. Because you promised you'll get better, and for a while, you were better, but now you are fucked and back into square one. All those money on therapy and your pills, for what? For you to stop taking them because you thought you were feeling better? Well, you definitely were not ok, nor you'll be. So, yeah, being fucked sounded good.

Max brought you the medicine and a glass of water. Taking the pills again? For what? The pills only fuel the feeling that everything is fine and that you are a normal person. Nothing was good and you were not a normal person.

But you took the pills. And you looked Max in the eyes and you wanted to die. He seemed crushed. He was sad, devastated, maybe angry but definitely disappointed. In you. Because maybe you don't realize this, but while you were doing good, he was doing great. He knew you could be on your own so he stopped worrying that much, and that could also be seen in his driving. He was winning more races, he was at his best and now he was at his lowest. Because you were at your lowest; co-dependency and shit.

"I'm sorry, baby. I thought I was doing well enough to stop taking the meds," you say in a broken voice but the tears are yet to appear. He stroked your hair and kissed you on your forehead.

"You should have told me. You don't have to go thru this alone. I am here."

"Yeah, you are here. But you don't have to be!" you snapped. Irritability, one thing your depression came with. "I am just a burden for you. And no, this does not come from the fact I stopped taking my pills. You took care of me like I was a child, and, fuck it, you don't deserve this."

"Stop talking like this, alright? If I would suffer from depression you would have done the same thing. You would have taken care of me. Or am I wrong?"

"You are not wrong. To be honest, I don't think I would be here if it wasn't for you, but I don't want you to be. It's obvious that I would never get better. This is me. I am fucked in the head, half wishing I was dead and I am just bringing you down."

"Don't tell me this is a fucking break up, Y/N." he narrows his brows and looks at your features to make sure you were being serious.

“I’ll leave, and the world will move on. I just wish I could see it. See how much better everything is when I’m gone.”

"What the fuck are you talking about? Is this a break-up or a suicidal vocal note?"

You broke down. Crying can be cathartic and healthy, but if it goes on too long it can lock your body in a feeling of despair. Even if your mind works through the problem that caused the crying, because your body is still feeling the physical effects it will cause your mind to revert to the negative state. It's not sadness. It's dread and paralysis. You had a certain feeling of emptiness and purposelessness.

“You’re good at finding things. Find me a reason to stay,” you say between sobs.

"You want me to find you a reason to stay alive or to stay in this relationship? To be frank, I can name a thousand reasons, but it all depends on you."

Max hugs you from behind and you lay your head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat that was stronger than ever. You allowed yourself to inhale Max's scent, a soothing scent you could get drunk on.

"I want to believe you love me. I mean, I love you and I consider you the love of my life, you know? We are so young and I know it doesn't feel like it, but I promise you, I'm gonna marry you someday, even if right now you don't think you're gonna make it till tomorrow. So, yeah, this is reason number one," he said and pressed a kiss to your cheek. "This is not the worst you have been through in life. Remember where you were 18 months ago; you had no idea what was wrong with you. Now you know and you know you can be better. I know you get sick of those pills, but maybe, in the future, you won't need them. Isn't that exciting? This was reason number two," he said and pressed another kiss to your cheek. He was going to do that every time he would give you a reason. "Have you been to all the beautiful places around the world? Sure, you came to a few Grand Prix, but you never saw Great Ocean Road in Australia, you know Daniel promised he would take us there someday. You never saw Pamukkale in Turkey or Japan in Cherry Blossom season or the Blue Lagoon in Iceland. There are many places you need to visit, baby. So, yeah, this was reason number three. I don't know if you want me to continue but I can give you one more reason. Reason number four. Do it for you, baby. You deserve to live and be happy. I know you can be happy and I promise you I will do my best to help you. You just have to take it one step at a time. You just have to let me in. Let me help you, baby."

You turn around, facing him now. You loved him, with all of your heart. You love him for who he is. You love him because he literally came into your life as your lifeline. You love him because he helped you crawl up the deep bottomless abyss of depression. You love him because he had the patience and the audacity to bear with your depression, anxiety, and panic attacks, your phobias, your mood swings, your temperamental and short-tempered nature, your overthinking, your being overprotectiveness, and possessiveness. You love him because never once he thought of giving up on you in your hard times. You love him because he stands by you like a rock of unwavering support and he’s someone you can fall back on. You love him because he listens to you talking non-stop about your past, your pains, your fears, and your losses without complaining even once. You love him because he rediscovered you and helped you find yourself again when you were lost in darkness. You love him because he filled you with confidence and hope and strength and belief and determination. You love him because he believes you are the best when you set your mind on something and no one can stop you from achieving your goals. You love him because he is protective, caring, understanding, loving, and easy to be with while never being too suffocating or taking up your space. You love him because sooner or later he does everything you ask of him and does with his whole attention. You love him because whatever endeavor he engages in, he likes to give his 100% and hates doing half-hearted things. You love him because he can decode the nuances in your voice and judge your mood just perfectly. You love him because he read you like an open book and he can hear your silence. You love him because he never doubts your loyalty, your intentions, your hard work, and your million issues. You love him because no matter how busy he might get he never forgets that you are waiting for his message or his call. You love him because he keeps you in his priorities. You love him because he gave you a passion you never knew you had. You love him because he very strongly believes that you deserve the best of everything. You love him because he is empathic, kind, magnanimous, thoughtful, and down to Earth. You love him because he has eyes for no one but you. You love him because he wants to see you healthy, wealthy, prosperous, famous and he wants you to hold back at nothing, for no one, he wants you to be a Go-Getter. And most importantly you love him because no one ever loved you like he did.

"I will let you in," you say and you kiss him hard. "I'm sorry for the scene I caused."

"Don't be. It happens."

[dharc16]

DIVINATION FOR BEGINNERS ~ THE BASIC 3 PILLARS

By definition, divination is the practice of seeing the future and answering questions by supernatural means. This definition is correct, but it leaves out the fact the word divination has the word divine as its main syllable. Divination also means to receive messages or to communicate with the divine (God, the Universe, Source). Divination is practice at receiving the Divine’s messages and learning lessons along the way. Divine messages are answers to questions about life, love, the past, the future, and more. Because really the Divine knows all, there is no limit to the questions that can be asked through DIVINation. Learn the basics of divination for beginners here.

Divination for Beginners: The Three Pillars

Because of the lack of simple instructions for divination for beginners, I came up with the concept of Three Pillars of Divination. This is a concept that will help the beginner learn how to divine, step by step. Focus on one pillar at a time and take your time learning each. This is an ongoing process. The more you learn about divination, the more you will apply these learned concepts to your practice. And if things get confusing, you can always return to the basics. The Three Pillars of Divination are: Observation, Symbolism, and Intuition. If you are studying divination for beginners seriously, I suggest writing these down in a journal or notebook.

1st Pillar: Observation

The first pillar, and probably the most important, is Observation. You can’t receive a message if you’re not listening, right? You can’t interpret a sign if you’re not paying attention. Observation is about being open-minded and mindful at the same time. You are open-minded to any and all messages or images you receive from the Divine through divination, which means you are willing to receive messages in whatever form they come to you. This also means you don’t allow the “logical” side of your brain to completely block out the intuitive (we will get more into this later). It is my belief and experience the majority of people walk around on a daily basis, totally oblivious to their surroundings, totally oblivious to the fact that God is trying to speak to them in different ways. By being mindful of your surroundings and by being in the present moment, you are allowing God to speak to you in whatever form that might be (through nature, symbolism on TV, random conversations, etc). People wonder why they can’t hear God or speak to God, and yet they truly aren’t listening. Observation, mindful observation, is key to hearing the Divine speak to you.

How to be Observant

When learning divination for beginners, be observant. If outside and awaiting a sign from the Divine through nature, be open to whatever appears. Take in the world around you—the environment, the sounds, sights, smells, and sensations. Be observant of yourself—your emotions, your physical sensations, etc. By being present in the moment, you are being mindful of what messages the Divine sends you. This is the same if you are using tarot cards, crystal balls, runes, scrying mirrors, etc. First observe before moving on to symbolism and interpretation.

2nd Pillar: Symbolism

The 2nd Pillar of Divination is Symbolism. Symbolism is the use of symbols to represent concepts or ideas. Symbolism is used in many ways: in mainstream media, literature, religion, politics, etc. The human brain uses symbolism without even realizing. Symbolism is so ingrained in our way of thinking and living. For this reason, symbolism is a big part of divination. The Divine uses symbolism to speak to us. It is an inherent part of divination and should be in the forefront of your mind when you are Divining.

Symbolism in Divination

Symbolism is seen in all forms of divination: tarot, oracle, the Elder runes, the Ogham, numerology, astrology, and more. For example, if we take a look at the runes, the rune Algiz is a symbol (or letter) that represents the concept of protection. This is symbolism in its simplest terms. In oracle, we are presented with various images that each represent a moral or concept of some kind. For example, in the Goddess oracle, the card with the goddess Baba Yaga represents wild freedom. And on and on these symbols go. The point is, whatever form of divination you choose, dedicate time to studying and learning the symbolism therein. As you become more experienced in divination, you will realize many of these symbols carry over to other forms of divination. At this point, divination will become easier for you to perform.

3rd Pillar: Intuition

The Third Pillar of Divination is Intuition. Often when we are beginning to learn divination we’re told to use our intuition. But what does this mean, exactly? Intuition is defined as something one knows immediately without conscious reasoning. You know that feeling you get before walking into a place that tells you not to go in? Or that feeling when you meet someone and your gut tells you not to trust them? Your logical mind will say this is illogical. But this initial feeling is your intuition, your god-given instinct, that will keep you safe in many situations.

How to Use Your Intuition in Divination

Use this instinct, your intuition, when practicing divination. It’s as easy as drawing an oracle card, and letting your first initial thought or feeling serve as the divine message. Practice this so that it becomes natural, as your conscious brain will try to shrug off your intuition at first. Be aware intuition comes to us in different ways. For example, when I divine and use my oracle cards, I will draw a card and look at the image. Typically I get a “flash” of an image or scenery in my mind, this is how I use my intuition. But you might draw an oracle card and hear a word in your mind. Or you might get a particular emotion. These are all forms of intuition, and depending on the person will be different. With practice, you’ll learn how your intuition speaks to you. Each time you practice using your intuition, write down your experience. Did you let your intuition speak to you and show you the answer? Did your conscious mind try to block? Were there symbols or images in your mind? What words did you hear? Did you feel any emotions?

Putting it All Together

Applying intuition to the other Two Pillars of Divination: you will observe, apply the learned symbolism, and use your intuition. Intuition and symbolism will eventually mix together cohesively, and sometimes you might not know where your intuition and symbolism separate. That is the beauty of divination and receiving messages from the Divine. Keep in mind it will take time to get in tune with your intuition…sometimes it can take years to fully connect. Be patient and keep practicing.

Choosing a Form of Divination for Beginners

With the Three Pillars of Divination in mind, choose a form of divination to study. By focusing on one form, you can apply the three pillars and hone in on your divination skills before moving on to another form of divination. For beginners, I recommend using nature to learn divination. This could mean interpreting the cloud patterns in the sky, going for a walk and allowing certain birds or insects to come to you then interpreting those signs, or scrying with fire or water. These may seem very basic, but you will find it isn’t always easy. However, learning how to read patterns and symbols in nature will teach you mindfulness (observation), as well as symbolism and how to use your intuition flawlessly. Then you can move on to other forms of divination that take even more study and time such as tarot or the runes.

Study One Form for One Year

I recommend studying one form of divination for at least a year. You can’t fully connect with that form of divination unless you’ve given it considerable time and study. Spending a month on the runes or tarot will not do. The same goes for other all divination. These forms of divination have been used by our ancestors for hundreds (sometimes thousands) of years and thus have developed their own personalities. You will give honor to your ancestors and to those forms of divination by putting in the time and effort to really connect. Divination for beginners isn’t as difficult as it may seem – it just takes time and practice.

Thoughts by ~ Otherworldly Oracle

Psalms 119: 30~38 THE Remedy Bible

I have chosen the way of truth;

I am committed to your design for life.

I hold fast to your methods, O Lord,

and I am not ashamed.

I eagerly live in harmony with your design,

for you have healed my heart, enabling me to do so.

Teach me, O Lord, the way you have designed life to operate,

so that I might conform and be transformed.

Enable me to understand, and I will practice your principles

and live out your methods with all my heart.

Lead me to live according to your ways,

because it brings me health and happiness.

Transform my heart to desire your methods of love

and hate selfish gain.

Turn my interest away from all worthless things;

recreate me to live according to your way.

Establish your promise within your servant,

so that you may be worshipped and admired.

I’ve said this quite sometime! If you are pagan or wiccan, take what resonates with this teaching! I post as a Christian Witch, but feel free to take this lesson! Learning is for everyone, and knowledge is power!

[cherripeach]

Chapter 13

Little Match Maker

Summary: Your life motto is “I have the power of god and anime on my side, don’t mess with me,” and you stand by that with your life. No human, magician, or random creature could ever stop your firm belief in it.

However, getting transported to this world that seemed to turn your already bad luck worse was not what you wanted to be in your life story, but you made the most of it. Making friends, enemies, and disasters, you were in your prime in this world, and so you decided to help as many people as you could flourish, at least what you believed to be.

Chapter 1:10 vodka i like your style- it's vinegar

The beautiful botanical garden

Warnings: Curse words, sex jokes

Words: 3.1k

Relationships: developing but future twstxreader

The three of you made your way to the Botanical Garden which was basically a garden in a greenhouse, but let’s not tell them. Once inside, Deuce and Ace led the three of you to the Chestnut trees. There were four rows of trees with maybe six trees per row, but these trees were humongous taking up more space than a car per tree.

Grim bounced over to the closest tree, “Whoa! There really are a lotta chestnuts here! If we have this much, then it’s all-you-can-eat marron tarts for us!” The cat found a pile of chestnuts on the ground, “Let’s hurry and” and decided to pick up one, “Ouch!! Gah! The chestnut’s thorns dug into my paw pads!” The little kitty sprinted back to you clutching his paw.

You bent down to match the cat’s height, and grabbed his paws to take a look. There did seem to be some little spikes still stuck in his paw, but once you reached for them to see if you could pull them out, the cat retracted his hand and ran to Ace and Deuce.

Deuce thought for a second, and then, stated, “Looks like it’ll be impossible to pick them up with bare hands. I would also like to have a bucket to place them all in, too.”

Ace questioned Deuce, “Maybe we can find those things in the botanical garden?”

Deuce observed the surroundings and nodded his head, “I guess so?”

Ace and Deuce began walking to the front of the garden where you all came in, and Ace still marveled at the place, “This place is humungous.”

Deuce motioned to the surroundings, “We should be able to find the necessary tools around here. Should we split up and look?”

“Sure, dude. But shouldn’t they be in a closet or on a bench or something? Where should we look?” You asked while Grim was still three paces in front of you.

Deuce shrugged his shoulders, “I don’t really know, but those are the best places to look.”

Ace turned to the garden away from your conversation, “I’ll go right, then.”

Deuce added, “I’ll check west.”

You in your lack of brain power look at the two like they had five arms, “I guess that means...what?” You tilted your head while the other two sighed.

Ace laughed at your reaction, “Sometimes I think you are from another world with all your bullshit.” and left you two.

Grim gazed at you with a blank face, “You’re dumb, aren’t you?”

You gazed back at him with an incredulous face.

Grim shook his head and pointed down the center, “This way!”

You were just along for the ride.

The garden was huge; you swear that you were wandering around here for at least ten minutes spotting nothing besides trees and flowers which made sense but still, no people.

While walking through the garden, Grim kept pulling you around, “Hey, come look at this. It looks like they're tonsa fruits here! They smell so good!”

You however were less concerned with that and just wanted some food and maybe sleep if some god would bless you, but instead they decided to curse you when you stepped on an incredibly soft tree root.

Come to find out that it wasn't a tree root when it starts moving and words begin to sound from around the same area, “Hey. You’ve got guts stepping on someone’s tail without apologizing.”

A male you are sure you recognize from somewhere sits up through bushes and snarls at the two of you. He had stunning emerald eyes which went well with his dark brown hair and rich brown skin. He also had little ears of top of his head that twitched every little bit. His tail which was now behind him was swinging back and forth.

Grim decided to also screw you over and challenge the male while standing behind you, “Are you the guy tending to this place? Wow, you’ve got quite a scary mug…” Grim snickered to himself.

The male rolled his eyes and huffed, “I went here thinking I can have a peaceful nap, but then my tail gets stepped on. This’s the worst.” He crossed his arms, and you are assuming the male was even pouting to himself.

“You’ve got to be some kind of house cat with that attitude.” You snapped at him, rolling your eyes.

Grim moved further behind you when the male rose to his feet.

The male walked closer to you while you just raised your shoulders more and stood taller; he just leaned in close to you breathing in and out before standing straight, “You’re just the little herbivore that the Mirror said can’t use magic. Hmph. I’m not wasting my time with you.”

You paused for a minute thinking of what just happened, “Did.. did you just fucking sniff me?” Your eyes widened and your mouth hung open, “What kind of pervert are you, your housecat?”

Grim tugged on your pants, “Urk… I don’t know how to explain, but his glares are sending chills down my spine!”

The male pushed closer to you, “You think I’m gonna let you off scot free after you just stepped on the great Leona’s tail? And then insulted me? You must be an idiot. I’m in a bad mood after being woken up from a good sleep. Start gritting your teeth.” The male snarled at you.

You're still as confused as you can be spewed out, “What kind of expression is that? I most certainly haven't been in fights, but really? And apparently I’m the idiot. Who sleeps on the ground?”

Grim pulling harsher and more frequent on your pants loudly whispered, “Hey, let’s make a run for it! And quick!”

Both you and the big scary house cat were in a glare off seeing who could back down quicker.

None of that got anywhere once another pair of footsteps were heard trying to get through the bushes and trees.

An average sized male with animal ears came out of the bushes with leaves in his messy dirty blonde hair. His uniform had leaves stuck to it and was all out of place.

He locked eyes on the two of you and brightened up with a smirk, “Leona!”

The house cat scoffed at the newcomer, “What?”

Your eyes shot back and forth to observe the two of them, “What?”

“I knew you’d be here.” The new male chuckled and pointed at the angry kitty, “You’ve got supplementary lessons today.”

The angry kitty, or Leona as the newcomer said, turned away from you and the newcomer and strutted to lay back down near his tree, “And here comes the noisy one.”

Once the kitty laid down on the grass and the newcomer followed him to stand over him, you just paused. You were more confused than ever.

The newcomer lectured, “You already repeated a year, Leona. If things keep going like this, we’ll end up being classmates next year, y’know?”

Leona sneered and laid on his side facing away from the newcomer, “Ah, shut it. Stop nagging, Ruggie.”

Ruggie, the newcomer, groaned, “I don’t wanna nag you either!” He threw his hands up and strode to the house cat, “Geez, you can do anything you put your mind to, but you don’t put effort at all. Come on, let’s go!”

The cat moaned while standing up to follow Ruggie, but then, he turned to smirk at you and Grim, “You better be prepared next time, dumb herbaviore. I won’t be stopped from tearing you to pieces.”

Once he turned around and began to walk away, you flipped him off and screamed, “Let’s see fucker!”

Grim pounced on your leg, pouting and whining, “Gah!! That was nerve-wrackig... What’s with that beastly attendant?!”

“More like a babysitter,” You answered.

The two of you began to wander toward the back of the green house more until two footsteps rapidly approached.

Out of nowhere Ace and Deuce popped out.

“We found a basket and some tongs here!” Ace shrieked while frantically waving the basket in the air.

The two of them ceased their sprint only for Deuce to ask, “Did something happen to you two?”

“How can you tell?” You question.

Ace nodded to Grim, “He’s barely moving from behind your leg.” And he was right: Grim was attached to you as much as he could be.

Grim flew back from your leg and deflected how the conversation was going, “Oh, that’s right! Chestnut picking! We won’t be able to eat some tarts if we don’t bring some back! Let’s tell them about the scary attendant after we pick some chestnuts, ‘kay?” The cat, then, darted to the supposed direction of the Chestnut trees while the three of you could only watch in just pure confusion.

All of you found the trees and began your true journey of picking as many chestnuts as possible before your hands fell off. Grim decided this was the best time to exaggerate the story to display the housecat’s terror as much as possible.

Grim confirmed to end the story, “And that’s what happened.”

Ace disputed Grim’s initial idea of the newcomer, “That dude’s definitely not an attendant.”

“Now that I think about it,” Grim tapped his paw to his chin, “He was wearing a yellow vest. Maybe he’s from the Mackerel Dorm?”

You blurted out, “That’s what I’ve been trying to say. He’s probably just supposed to make sure he gets to class. The house cat just wants to sleep all day.”

Deuce agreed with you, “Sounds about right, but Mackerel… Oh, you mean Savanaclaw. Maybe Night Raven College has a lot of… delinquents.”

“I don’t think that would be called delinquents, but whatever.” You shook your head.

Ace, ignoring the conversation to organize everything to bring it to his dorm to cook, finished up, “Alright! We picked up a lot so this should be good! Let’s go back to Trey!”

Grim purred in agreement, “I can practically taste the tart already!”

You and Deuce shook your heads and changed the conversation.

Deuce turned to you while walking and brought up something that seemed to be on his mind for a while, “I don’t want this to sound insensitive, but why do you always say such weird things?”

You hummed in confusion.

“Like when you talked to those delinquents in the cafeteria and how you call us dude. Sometimes I really struggle to understand you.” Deuce explains.

“I guess you could call it weird, but where I’m from it’s just humor and how people act.” You shrugged.

“Where are you from?”

“Ummm, long story, you see. I’m not exactly from this world.”

Ace screeched from in front of the two of you, “Wait! What!” Ace twirled around and grabbed both of your shoulders, dropping the bags of chestnuts he carried, “What do you mean not exactly from this world?”

The four of you paused in your journey back to the dorm to continue this conversation.

You moved away from the midday crisis that this boy was having and verified, “I mean my world doesn’t have magic or anything.” You pointed to Grim, “Nor do we having talking cats who have too much pride and too big of a stomach.”

Grim screeched, “Rude!”

“But like actually?” Deuce questioned, “You must be really lost, then.”

You sighed, “Yeah, I’m not gonna lie about where I’m from. But if you think about it the reason I didn’t get placed into any dorm was because I was from a world that has never seen magic. I’ve never seen magic, but I really don’t have time to just adjust to this world and get used to it. I just need to suck it up and find a way to survive.”

Ace inquired, finally picking up all the bags he dropped, “So you’ve never seen magic before? How aren’t you afraid? How’d you know that we aren’t allowed to use magic in a fight, not during class?”

“Yep,” You popped the ‘p,’ “Never seen magic. Though, I don’t think you would say I lack fear. More like I just chose not to act on it. Imagine being the weakest student in a school full of people who really don’t like you: you’re terrified, but acting on that fear only gives the student’s the pleasure. Besides if I die, I die.” You held up a finger gun before continuing, “Also I just guessed on the rule. It reminded me of a book series about a wizard school and their rules.”

Deuce shook his head, “You shouldn’t think that way. If you die, no one will save this dumbass from his schemes.” Deuce pointed at Ace, “And he would basically die.” and then, he pointed at Grim.

Grim yelped, “Yeah! Besides now that we are a team, if you die, I die. No one’s gonna harm my servant.”

You ruffle Grim’s fur on his head, “It’s nice to know that you have my back. But,” You pinched his ear, “Stop calling me your servant.”

Grim shrieked, “Stop! Stop! I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” He pushed on your hand, “Let me go.”

You did, but Ace was silent waiting for something.

Ace groaned, “Now, I feel terrible for trying to fight you.” He bowed his head, “I feel like a brat.”

“I mean you are,” You babbled out, “But don’t worry, I can handle myself in a fight. Not against one of the dorm leaders, but against anyone else, probably. I’m weak, don’t get me wrong, but some idiots at this school use that and think I’ll just take a beat down.” You helped Ace grab more of his bags and the chestnuts that fell out, “Don’t feel bad about it. We’re friends now, dude.”

Ace cringed, “I still can’t believe I became your friend.”

“You signed the contract,” You made a writing motion, “Only way you can get out of it is death.”

Deuce tilted his head, “But we didn’t sign anything?”

“It’s a metaphor, sweetheart.” You started to walk again, “Just means I’m not letting you leave me. You’re stuck with me.”

Deuce’s eyes glistened, and he mumbled something that you could just barely pick up, “..never had friends like this.” Deuce’s face then lit up red like a Christmas light, “Sweetheart?”

You pouted because this kid was the cutest thing ever, and you ignored his last comment.

Ace started to walk after you, “Okay, since you don’t have magic, but you still get into fights so often we need to establish something so you don’t die,” Ace pointed at you, “And we don’t die,” He motioned to the rest of the group.

“Sounds reasonable!” You agreed, “Maybe.”

Deuce nodded, finally calmed down, “Maybe we could agree to not start anything. Don’t start any fights or anything like that.”

Ace and You deadpanned, “No way can we agree to that.”

Grim confirmed, “If someone’s making fun of me, I gotta do something!”

Deuce sighed, “Then, how about ‘we don’t start fights, we just end them’.”

“That sounds fine.” You nodded.

“You also gotta know when the fight is getting too dangerous,” Ace turned to you, “And if it is…” He paused to think, “Scream ‘strawberry’.”

“Okay…” You raised an eyebrow, “But what is that? A safeword?”

Deuce’s face flushed, and Ace yelled, “This is what we mean by why the fuck you say that?”

Your entire group burst out in laughter.

This was the kind of friends you knew you needed.

The four of you slowly made your way to Ace and Deuce’s dorm.

Once there, Trey welcomed you, “Welcome back. I see you’ve picked a bunch.”

Grim nodded climbing on the counter, “You can make a gigantic tart with these!”

Trey muttered, “Though, you’ll end up doing more work, but… Do your best.” His encouragement gave you life.

Deuce observed all of the baking supplies that Trey put out and even read over the directions, “All of this, huh… I feel like we’ll be here for a long time.”

Trey nodded, “Preparing beforehand is necessary when making dessert.”

Ace took off his jacket and rolled up his sleeves, “Yeah, yeah, I get it. Let’s just get it over with!!”

You took off your cloak and rolled up your sleeves too, “This is gonna take a long time.”

Trey grabbed a bowl and a bag of the chestnuts, “First, we prepare the ingredients.” Trey grabbed a chestnut, “It takes a bit of work to peel off a chestnut’s shell. Let’s use magic to cleanly peel them off.”

Deuce giggled while turning to you and Ace, “You two can’t use magic, so peel them off normally, please.”

A determined Ace placed his hands on his hips, “I’ll show you I’m faster than your magic!”

You started to peel the chestnuts slowly while the three using magic started their experimentation of how to peel chestnuts.

Grim who began to peel chestnuts at a quicker rate was criticizing the rest of you, “You guys,” You could hear him munching on something, “You guys should just watch me and learn!” He, then, snorted while glaring at all of you.

Ace sneered, “Stop snacking!” Ace grabbed something to show you, “Look at me! I managed to peel them off cleanly!” He had a fully peeled chestnut in his hand and had the widest of smiles on his face.

“You’re doing great, Ace!” You smiled at him, “We just gotta keep going!”

Trey walked over to the two of you and patted Ace on the back, “I’m surprised. You’re very dexterous, Ace.”

Ace smirked at Trey’s and your praise, “Pretty much! I’m a different caliber from Mr. Serious and that cat over there.”

Deuce disagreed, “I peeled them cleanly, too!” He pointed to the one’s he has done, “Take a look for yourself!”

Grim nodded, “Me, too! Compare mine to Ace’s!”

Trey, totally overwhelmed with the three of them trying to get his attention, laughed, “We still have a lot to peel, but look at you being so energetic.”

You shook your head at Trey, “You really shouldn't be giving them this much attention. They’ll attach themselves to you.”

The five of you continued to prepare the ingredients with light chatter all around.

The rest of you were done with your part while Deuce was on his last chestnut, “”This is the last one…” He placed it in the bowl and clapped, “There! Alright, we’re finished!”

Trey thanked everyone, “Thanks for the hard work. We finished so quickly even though we have non-magic users.”

Grim snickered, “Everything’s a breeze as long as I’m here!”

Trey clapped his hands, “Alright, next up’s straining them.”

Ace gasped, “There’s still more!?”

You sighed, “Of course, there is still more.” You would never get a break.

~

Currently evacuated for ida so idk how I got this done. Also decided to change the picture at the top bc im deciding the vibe of this piece

[steveyockey]

well then how DO you square that in ur brain (curious not accusatory)

love this question. for context for anyone seeing this without having read all my tags, the question in its totality is basically “how do you square your understanding of brokeback as a text that should not have happy ending fanfiction written about it while also living in the pocket of big destiel and solemnly believing in the radical cosmic power of fanart of them kissing sweetly?”

the first place we need to look for an answer to this is this tweet that explains in my mind a lot about just how gay people respond to media in general

full disclosure I did watch glee but not with my parents, but I appreciate the spirit here. when we talk about “lgbt media” we’re eliding a really widely varying collection of stories. our sister killjoy alongside love, simon. beach rats AND set it off! and for a lot of people in the current wave, there’s a big concern about telling gay stories with happy endings. I understand this! I see where the impulse is coming from! but I also question often how this sort of notion is deployed against lgbt storytelling. the day the supernova trailer dropped I listened to someone rant about how we only get sad movies as though the thoughtful romantic tale of two older gay men supporting each other through illness is the same as dallas buyers club. it irks me! not every story should have a happy ending and also not everyone agrees with what constitutes a happy ending. does a character dying automatically make an ending tragic? do the leads not ending up together preclude happiness? what does it mean to hold gay stories to the standard of only eliciting positive emotions? what do we lose if we can’t trust ourselves to look at unhappiness and just live with it?

proulx is a wonderful case of an author with a clear reason for her unhappy ending, she wants you to understand something less about these characters and more about the world they inhabit. she isn’t concerned with whether they are gay or straight or bi because she’s concerned with what happens when you grow up internalizing the idea that you deserve a tragic ending. like the ultimate sadness of brokeback to me is that ennis blames jack and himself for jack’s death. he can’t understand homophobia any other way than something that is caused by his own actions because his world is so steeped in it. he just has to stand it because he can ONLY stand it. when you just rewrite brokeback to give ennis a boyfriend at the end or bring jack back, you aren’t actually engaging with the work on the work’s terms. you are creating a completely different character to square in your own mind your discomfort with the reality proulx created specifically so you would sit with that discomfort.

I like sad gay stories! I like that they take the ugliness and shame and try to place it outside of me so I can look at it without feeling like it’s only mine to carry. I like messy gay stories where gay people do bad things and aren’t morally justified! I think destiel has a lot of sad ugliness and lack of moral justification that makes it absolutely diabolically wonderful in a way that would never have happened on the cw if these were just two cookie cutter lgbt characters named as such by the narrative who had to act in ways that corresponded with a mainstream understanding of queerness. and a lot of me likes a sad destiel ending where you do save the world at the cost of everything you hold dear or where you die because death doesn’t care if you have suffered enough and deserve a soft epilogue. but supernatural wasn’t actually trying to give me either of those endings. it was trying to make me shut up about the gay storyline they fed me and despised me for clinging to all the same. and this is not to say that we should judge every work based on ONLY the intentions of the author and the moral judgments we pass on them as a human being, but supernatural is a show deeply concerned with asserting its own moral goodness and correct takes on its own story. it doesn’t actually want me to think about the tragedy of the ending it gave me because it doesn’t see it as tragic. so then if I’m not supposed to see it as tragic, it would only follow that I’m allowed to find the ending I don’t think is tragic! the real becky laundry finale! I am engaging with the work on the work’s terms because the work told me the story is mine and it showed me that by engaging with me in decade long psychological warfare over whether lgbt people can be multifaceted protagonists. bringing becky back only confirmed what we knew all along — that we had a seat in the writers room. a sweet destiel ending is not in conflict with the messiness of the narrative, or at least not beyond the realm of things supernatural already did in its run that contradicted established notions about its characters. they can love each other and be selfish and spiteful and they can love each other in ways that are selfless and warm. they left us on a precipice in 15.18 that told us these men are defined by an unspoken love and we will now speak it! so it’s fitting that we speak it again and again in different forms with every silly little headcanon about the sugary domestic shit they get up to now that it’s been said.

[bookcalanthedaily]

okay so what’s up with geralt and calanthe? why do i ship them, why do i love them so much, and a little bit about how i believe them to be the book example of courtly love.

okay so let me start with the fact i read the books for the first time back in 2012, no spoilers, no previous knowledge whatsoever and up until the point where calanthe’s death was announced in sword of destiny, i believed, or maybe hoped, that they would end up together.

it started during the feat in a question of price, with their obvious flirting and how geralt seemed to be mesmerized by calanthe. the way I see it, the narrator sees the world with geralt’s eyes, and the way calanthe is described is truly like nothing else. There aren’t any words that directly describe her as beautiful or sexually appealing, no description of her breasts or otherwise her body (which I feel is weird for sapkowski??) . She is described in ways that in a very unobvious way show her grace, her dignity, the aura that she has around her. but despite that there are, still, a few moments that obviously point to geralt’s attraction to calanthe; 

‘But hasn't fascination with my beauty and charming personality clouded your judgement?‘ ‘So I'm honoured and proud to be sitting by Queen Calanthe of Cintra, whose beauty is surpassed only by her wisdom.’ ‘Very well,' said the witcher. 'I ask for your green sash, Calanthe. May it always remind me of the colour of the eyes of the most beautiful queen I have ever known.'

so it is obvious that the lack of more obvious descriptions of her beauty isn’t caused by her, well, not beaing beautiful, but rather because the physical aspect of her appeal is the less important one.

she not only invited geralt to her table. she sat him on her righthand side and treated him like a human being, not a mutant. she is the first character in the books to have this sentiment;

'It's true,' said Calanthe. 'Geralt, present here, is a witcher. His trade is worthy of respect and esteem. He has sacrificed himself to protect us from monsters and nightmares born in the night, those sent by powers ominous and harmful to man. He kills the horrors and monsters that await us in the forests and ravines. And those which have the audacity to enter our dwellings.'

and ever since that feast, geralt is known as the witcher whom even kings invited to their tables, just because calanthe was kind enough to do it. 

after that, geralt dreams about her not once, but twice. 

dream 1:

"A bower, warmth, the scent of flowers, the intense, monotonous hum of bees. He, alone, on his knees, giving a rose to a woman with mousy locks spilling from beneath a narrow, gold band. Rings set with emeralds–large, green cabochons–on the fingers taking the rose from his hand. ‘Return here,’ the woman said. ‘Return here, should you change your mind. Your destiny will be waiting.’ I shall never return here, he thought. I never… went back there. I never returned to… Whither? Mousy hair. Green eyes."

this is basically geralt reliving calanthe’s invitation for him to return to cintra, or even stay in cintra, if that was his wish. he never returned, and when he did want to return, it was too late. 

dream 2:

‘There is no destiny,’ his own voice. ‘There is none. None. It does not exist. The only thing that everyone is destined for is death.’ ‘That is the truth,’ says the woman with the mousy hair and the mysterious smile. ‘That is the truth, Geralt.’ The woman is wearing a silvery suit of armour, bloody, dented and punctured by the points of pikes or halberds. Blood drips in a thin stream from the corner of her mysteriously and hideously smiling mouth. ‘You sneer at destiny,’ she says, still smiling. ‘You sneer at it, trifle with it. The sword of destiny has two blades. You are one of them. Is the second… death? But it is we who die, die because of you. Death cannot catch up with you, so it must settle for us. Death dogs your footsteps, White Wolf. But others die. Because of you. Do you remember me?’ ‘Ca… Calanthe!’ ‘You can save him,’ the voice of Eithné, from behind the curtain of smoke. ‘You can save him, Child of the Elder Blood. Before he plunges into the nothingness which he has come to love. Into the black forest which has no end.’ Eyes, as green as spring grass. A touch. Voices, crying in chorus, incomprehensibly. Faces.

to me, in this dream, calanthe is the physical embodiment of geralt’s guilt. of his belief that calanthe, pavetta and perhaps the entire cintra were hurt because he refused to face destiny. there is also the mysterious sentence from eithne; 

“You can save him, Child of the Elder Blood. Before he plunges into the nothingness which he has come to love. Into the black forest which has no end.”

and while some might say that she was saying it to ciri... ciri is not present even for a moment during that sequence.

and finally, there is their farewell moment; 

He looked into her glaring green eyes. She smiled. He could not decipher the smile.

There was a rosebush growing beside the summerhouse. He broke a stem and picked a flower, kneeled down, and proffered it to her, holding it in both hands, head bowed. ‘Pity I didn’t meet you earlier, White Hair,’ she murmured, taking the rose from his hands. ‘Rise.’ He stood up. ‘Should you change your mind,’ she said, lifting the rose up to her face. ‘Should you decide… Come back to Cintra. I shall be waiting. And your destiny will also be waiting. Perhaps not forever, but certainly for some time longer.’ ‘Farewell, Calanthe.’ ‘Farewell, Witcher. Look after yourself. I have… A moment ago I had a foreboding… A curious foreboding… that this is the last time I shall see you.’ ‘Farewell, O Queen.’

and to me, this is one of the most romantic scenes in the entire series. the way she brings the offered flower to her face, the words ‘pity i didn’t meet you earlier’ and how he cuts her off with a simple ‘farewell’, because thinking of what they could have been hurts too much.

and finally, his reacion to her death, where dandelion had to cut his story in half, stop mid-sentences to make sure he was fine.

in conclusion, i believe that geralt loved calanthe. perhaps she was even his first love, before he met yennefer. but he was a witcher, a mutant, and she was a queen. and he did not believe he deserved her, he did not believe he deserved being ‘saved from the darkness he has come to love’.

now, how does it tie in with the idea of courtly love? 

courtly love is a highly conventionalized medieval tradition of love between a knight and a married noblewoman, first developed by the troubadours of southern France and extensively employed in European literature of the time. The love of the knight for his lady was regarded as an ennobling passion and the relationship was typically unconsummated.

and i personally believe calanthe and geralt check all of these boxes. geralt is a knight/warrior who falls in loce with a married noblewoman but that love never gets to be consummated. but, in the end, that love does ennoble him. 

he goes from 

'Duny,' said Geralt seriously, 'Calanthe, Pavetta. And you, righteous knight Tuirseach, future king of Cintra. In order to become a witcher, you have to be born in the shadow of destiny, and very few are born like that. That's why there are so few of us. We're growing old, dying, without anyone to pass our knowledge, our gifts, on to. We lack successors. And this world is full of Evil which waits for the day none of us are left.' 'Geralt,' whispered Calanthe.

to 

‘I wouldn’t take the child. I couldn’t assume the responsibility. I wouldn’t agree to burden you with it. I wouldn’t want the child to tell you one day… As I’m telling you—’

and it is my belief, that her remarks, such as this;

‘I’ve pondered long over this,’ Calanthe continued, now without a smile. ‘And I’ve come to the conclusion that the selection of the children at the stage of the Choice has scant significance. What difference does it make, in the end, Geralt, which child dies or goes insane, stuffed full of narcotics? What difference does it make whose brain bursts from hallucinations, whose eyes rupture and gush forth, instead of becoming cats’ eyes? What difference does it make whether the child destiny chose or an utterly chance one dies in its own blood and puke? Answer me.’

were a part of what made him change his mind. geralt ends up, even after calanthe’s death, becoming very close to ciri, learning through her that neutrality that had been beaten into him as a young witcher in training was not the way to go. calanthe, and through calanthe also ciri, had a huge impact on geralt’s entire character

so, all in all, this is how i see it. a love, that was never meant to be. and whether you choose to see it as a platonic-friendship type of love or, like me, as romantic love - calanthe’s impact on geralt’s growth is undeniable.