#the beautiful person's journal

[beautifully-lumpy]

the beautiful person's journal - #10: the second channel

here is a google doc for the lost 2nd channel videos i could salvage! i'll be discussing some of these in today's entry.

this google drive folder compiled by my fandom friend and fellow caddicarus veteran @linc-karo-27 includes the ASMR video and the only surviving (to my knowledge) archives of the two 2014 streams that were posted to the second channel. it also includes the may 2019 update video and the failed 2020 GITCY stream.

let's face it: the withdrawal between caddicarus uploads is REAL. we can only rewatch those banger videos so many times to the point where we can recite them in our sleep, and twitter rants and instagram posts can only do so much to satisfy our hunger.

but of course, we have our greatest option - the stream archive channel! hours upon hours upon hours of streams are saved here, ready for our enjoyment. and don't even get me started on the "best of" videos!

when you scroll down far enough, you'll come to find that this channel wasn't always a stream archive. you'll find old video archives, an attempted let's play series, discussion videos, shitposts, mishka spyro YTPMVs, and a 2013 tour of caddy's room in his parents' house. and it was gold.

for this entry, we're going to be discussing the history of this channel and how it got to where it is today!

before 2019, this second channel was known as...

🎵 CAAAA-DYYYY'S CON-UN-DRUMS! 🎵

first established on august 24th, 2013, with its first upload being on september 11th and its announcement video being uploaded to the main channel on september 13th, caddy's conundrums was the place for any random video to be uploaded, be it related to video games or not. this was where drum covers called home until 2017, and where drive thru reviews got its start before it was moved to the main channel in 2015.

one thing i always found interesting about this era of the channel was how the graphic design looked arguably better than the main channel's. the logo actually looked super cool and wasn't made in cooltext. there was also a thumbnail avatar specifically used for this channel as well!

the channel's content

the channel's first upload was the classic "a tour of the room", where caddy gives us a detailed tour of his room in his parents' house. it's a wonderful time capsule of retro caddicarus and it's still up to this day if you would like to give it a watch.

the next upload was the first episode of the series "regarding". regarding was a show where caddy would discuss anything related to pop culture or video games or youtube changes...

...wait a second, this sounds a bit familiar...this show just might as well have been a precursor to the now-unlisted rant series that was posted on the main channel through late 2019! of course, the presentation was not as clickbait-y or angry as the 2019 rant series, but it's interesting to look at both series and see how the approach to video-making had changed between those eras.

there was also the [NOSTALGIACAD] series - which was an archive of his pre-TCS vids from the main channel. before the banger 2020 caddicarus episode where he reacted to these vids, fans would simply just come across them by scrolling to the bottom of the second channel and seeing for themselves. when i was 12 and about a month in on the beautiful people train, i came across "the cleaning", and that's actually where i found out his last name is caddick. it was through a comment on the video but comments on it are now disabled for some weird reason. i think i also memorized the words to "he's the dog" as well. lmao.

caddy cussbottom was a one-off that was originally going to be a series. it was basically "you know what's bullshit?" but british. this is where i found out the name of the certified hood classic "combine harvester" song that's used in a lot of his vids.

there was some funny shitpost-type stuff, like this one where cerys' snake pixie escaped her terrarium or this one that's basically a spyro YTPMV with mishka the dog. i'm not gonna go into depth about every single one - because (almost) every single one is still up as i'm typing this!

in early 2015, caddy did a sponsored video for 1up box, which was like a knockoff lootcrate. this was such a cute video, and it was done in a very caddy fashion. although it deeply hurt my soul when caddy didn't recognize BMO and called him "the 1up box guy".

the channel also serves as an archive for the failed puppicarus series, which was canceled and uploaded to the second channel a month after its premiere. i'll go into more depth about that series in a future entry - let's just say there's a reason i didn't talk about it in the entry about 2012-16 side shows.

there's two more i'll talk about - first one being this ASMR video from june 2016. this was during the peak of the asagao academy fandom, and this normalboots/hidden block dating sim basically brought a bunch of old and new fans together on tumblr. and it just so happened that most of the normalboots/hidden block guys used tumblr at the time. these fans sent them all kinds of asks...and one meme involving the fans trying to get them to make ASMR videos started up at one point. caddy declared on this post that if he got 5,000 notes, he'd make an ASMR video. and we all impressively got him there. yes, i also did daily reblogs on my old (now-deactivated) account. to people outside of tumblr, this video was out of left field, even for him. but it was the funniest shit ever. and it was privated in 2019. sigh.

there was also a video of bloopers from the tweenies video - and the bloopers consisted entirely of brutalmoose stumbling over his lines for the cameo. it's iconic. this was also sadly privated in 2019.

the decline

the channel was most utilized from 2013 to around mid-2015 as an outlet for drum covers, random topic discussions, shitposts, quick game reviews, and a brief stream archive - only 2 streams from 2014 were archived, and they can be found in karo's folder i linked at the top of the post.

2015 got off to an active start for the channel - we had the 1up box video, a regarding episode about the two spider-man movie actors, the aforementioned spyro YTPMV, and a video where caddy comments on how microsoft screwed up solitaire on windows 8. these videos were all uploaded between february and april, and after that, the channel went radio silent until puppicarus was archived in january 2016. after that, the ASMR video was posted that june, and the brutalmoose outtakes were posted in january 2017...and that was it for caddy's conundrums. so what happened?

well, to put it shortly, it was time constraints, the migration of drive thru reviews to the main channel in 2015, and the establishment of the caddy show.

now that caddy was producing two videos a week for the main channel in 2015, extensive amounts of time just couldn't be poured into the second channel anymore. and this would ESPECIALLY become more apparent during the reign of the 3-day-a-week schedule come 2016-18. around this same time, he would stop streaming, and he wouldn't stream again until after the retool in 2020.

the caddy show came along to the main channel in 2017 and would become a new outlet for...drum covers, random topic discussions, shitposts, and quick game reviews. this was another huge factor in the second channel's decline - the main channel started doing everything the second channel did. and so, the second channel declined.

...but it obviously wouldn't be that way forever.

the rejuvenation

around spring 2019, the name of the second channel was mysteriously re-named "caddy plays". there were initially no announcements or branding changes, just a random name change. we also saw the privating of the 9 drive thru reviews episodes that released on the channel - unfortunately, i could only salvage three of them. the drum covers were also privated for some insane reason.

this would later be officially acknowledged in a main channel update video in may. one of the announcements in that video was the announcement of let's plays, a first in caddicarus history. in the past, he'd expressed his disinterest in doing let's plays. but in 2019, he changed his mind, and in june, an n sane trilogy let's play began, with the videos being edited by cerys. cerys' contributions helped caddy continue to focus on the main channel while also maintaining the second channel.

this let's play series didn't last very long, only lasting from june 26th to september 11th in 2019. during that time, the only game completed was n sane trilogy. we had a one-off cuphead let's play with tomska, 2 parts of a ride to hell: retribution let's play, and one part of a blair witch let's play.

the titles were all-caps yelling - typical of let's play channels. the thumbnails weren't too clickbaity...with the obvious exception of the ride to hell videos where the sexy scenes were deliberately used. keep in mind that this was 2019 at-his-last-resort caddicarus, so he was doing all he could to try and stay relevant and bring in enough money to feed his family. i'll go into more depth about this crazy year in a future entry about what i dub the second intermediate period.

i personally didn't watch these let's plays - pretty much because i was absent for them. i'd stopped watching caddicarus a couple months prior to these developments, and while i knew what was going on thanks to karo, i wasn't actually watching the videos themselves.

but i can give you an interesting fact - the first part of the n sane trilogy let's play marked the very first use of lumpies and germs, the new fandom name for caddicarus fans after the retirement of beautiful people 10 months prior.

and y'know what? i outta start watching through these let's plays. it's more caddicarus content to tide me over until the spyro video. lol.

so after the last let's play video, the channel was dormant once again until finally, in april 2020, caddy officially returned to streaming. it was a joyous day in the community...ESPECIALLY for veteran folk like me. except i wasn't there for it...because i'd been gone for a year and onward ripped me a new one a month prior to this return. LMAO.

after this return, the second channel became a stream archive, and it was now seeing regular uploads all the time. by next year we were getting "best of (year)" videos edited by sir toasty. i remember sir toasty being a fan for years and it was so heartwarming seeing him get that chance to work for caddy.

so just like the main channel - the second channel had the best possible outcome after all the adversity. it finally hit the 100k mark in march of this year and is still steadily growing.

while it was never as well known as the main channel, the content of the second channel has still touched the hearts of thousands of caddicarus fans, from generation to generation.

so that's a wrap for this entry. i've now covered every show that's been done across both channels (except for puppicarus, of course). in the next entry, we'll be exploring caddy's history with sponsors, and how sponsor segments evolved over the years!

[aquickstart]

idk i think the beauty of saltburn is also in that its a mirror. so many people see what's looking back at them and we all have different demons and themes we pay attention to. oliver is a girlboss and a mastermind and the plotting was deliberate. oliver is lost and confused and every single plot was a failure. he regrets what he'd done and convinces himself of the opposite. he lies about regretting what he'd done to evoke sympathy. he hated farleigh and he kicked him out. he recognized farleigh for what he is to the cattons and humiliated him. he knows himself and others well. he has no idea what to do and how to be. lots of people get lost at saltburn

[femmefatalevibe]

Post+ Subscriber Master List is Up!

Available in my Pinned Post & below xx

Post + Masterlist:

Building Your Cult of Personality Part I: Style & Self-Presentation

Build Your Cult Personality Part II: Self-Presentation & The Art of Engaging Conversation

Femme Fatale Guide: How To Build Your Personal Brand & Self Concept

Femme Fatale Journal Prompts: Questions For Self-Reflection & Growth in 2023

Femme Fatale Secrets: How To Master Your Shadow Self & Embrace Your Dark Feminine Energy (Journal Prompts)

Femme Fatale Playbook: A Beginner's Guide to Dating

Femme Fatale Guide: How To Embrace Your Sexuality

Femme Fatale Guide: Habits To Feel More Seductive In Your Daily Life

Femme Fatale Guide: Journal Prompts & Practical Tips To Heal Your Relationship with Food

Femme Fatale Guide: Spring/Summer Capsule Wardrobe Staples Every Woman Needs

Femme Fatale Playbook: Questions To Discover Your Wardrobe Essentials

[mydimensionconcept]

want to live from my passion in the paradise I just made for me ⋆｡𖦹°‧★

• maybe I really can do it

• maybe I just need time

• I just need myself

[atimodeus]

I know that oversharing about your mental health and trauma on the internet is generally ill-advised, but listen:

As someone who writes essays and fiction with his heart on his sleeve, nothing means more to me than hearing that my work made someone else feel less alone.

I write a lot of heavy shit. It's my way of processing a lifetime worth of grief and working my way through the ringer of recovery. Most of the time, I assume I'm doing little more than screaming into the digital void, and honestly, that's fine with me. I never expected anything more.

So when someone comments on or DMs me about a piece of mine, telling me how reading it made them feel seen, or heard, or less isolated in otherwise extremely isolating circumstances, I take that to heart. I etch those words into the walls of my mind, and I make damn sure that these folks who had the courage to share their pain with me didn't do so for nothing.

I have a folder on my desktop of screen shots. Every comment, every message, every story you share with me — I save them. I often anticipate that my words will be lost in the sea of online content, but when someone takes the time to be vulnerable with me in response to my work, their words will not. I save them. I return to them when I need reminding why I do this shit in the first place.

I know it's corny as hell, but I don't care. I mean it:

If you have ever reached out to me and shared your story, your feelings, your pain — thank you. I have not forgotten.

[creativebrainrot]

Life update + a thank you

On october 7th, my dad signed the contract to sell our house. The closing date is November 5th. We've been trying to sell our house since January, after our mutual abuser passed away. We've encountered nothing but road block, after road block, after road block. Some of you might remember that we were in such a dire position, I made a donation post or two, as we genuinely couldn't afford bills or food at the time. Unfortunately, all the things we wanted to use those donations for fell through; The car's repair expenses were too high, and we weren't confident that the car wouldn't just become another money sink, more debt, on our shoulders. So we spent the donated money on groceries and bills. If it weren't for this community, and for my friends, we may very well be homeless right now, instead of safe enough to sell our house. The donated money from this community and my friends was enough to safeguard us from the worst of those first three months. My dad got in contact with the neighbors and a very very generous woman has been feeding us and helping whereever else she can. We both have bikes now, because of her.

I would call this year the "objectively worst year" of my life. I've never had to genuinely consider what would happen if I went houseless. But it's not THE worst year of my life. I genuinely wouldn't have gotten through this year if not for the kindness my friends and GW2blr as a whole have shown me, so thank you. I don't know where my dad and I would be if not for all of you who spread that donation post. Thank you. I originally wanted to grab everyone's account PFP & Usernames, who reblogged or liked the donation post, but I deleted it awhile ago, and before deleting I realized how monumental the task of painting or editing a huge thank you letter like that would be. So, I hope this suffices. NOW, I can finally say, that we will be moving soon, and mean it. I'm scared, to be honest, but that's mostly because I've been in a depressive episode the past two weeks. I'll get better. This will be fun, and one of the most freeing things I've ever experienced. I know it.

To end on a high note; Thank you. Every last one of you. For the support, for the charity, for the kindness, for everything. Before November 2022, I felt so alone and unloved. I have a community now, talking to people doesn't scare me anymore. DM'ing people doesn't scare me as much anymore. I have friends now, close friends that I value a lot. And I can't wait to share the future with you, however that might be. Thank you.

[scribblersobia]

You see how some words are made by combining different words. And it is so beautiful how every word in a different word defines its meaning and uniqueness. 

I was literally staring at the word beautiful, and then I realized there is 'be' in beautiful, which means 'exist' which implies that you are beautiful when you simply exist the way you are! Isn't that simply beautiful? 😍

More words that make more words:

There is man and ding in demanding,

king in taking,

Dow and wry in dowry,

bene and fit makes benefit,

our in journal,

pert in property,

pose in impose,

there is art in article,

there is man in woman,

the wo in woman is variant spelling of whoa,

there is article "an" in man,

raint in variant,

Spell and ling makes spelling,

there are words mar, ria and age in marriage,

Sand in thousand,

ate in date,

Con in connection,

Ran in transfer,

Son in prison,

there is men and one in mentioned,

Be in beautiful,

Kin in kind,

ears in years, etc.

@scribblersobia

[beautifully-lumpy]

the beautiful person's journal - #16: the collectible world of caddicarus review!

sooo....this is about 3 months late, i know. BUUUUUT i have much more free time now that it's summer, and i can sing this box's praises!

ever since i was a young caddicarus fan, i'd always wanted to own merch from him. however, being in a family that wasn't too fond of a 12/13-year-old watching youtubers who swear like sailors, i couldn't express my love for caddy, let alone ask for merch. however, now that i'm in my 20s, i was able to ask for and receive this wondrous blu ray box set for christmas...well, at least the idea that i'd be receiving the box at some point.

if you stay up to date on all the happenings in the caddicarus community, you may have heard about the nightmarish experiences people have had with pixel empire and the shipping of this box.

needless to say, i was among the lucky ones who received theirs in mid-march. pixel empire just seems unable to handle merch drops for million-sub youtubers - scott the woz fans are still waiting for their $100 merch boxes to ship.

but pixel empire woes aside...was this $100 blue ray box set worth the wait?

✨ absolutely! ✨

upon receiving this adorable ps1-shaped box laced with references - both visual and auditory - i was the most excited i had ever been in all my years as a beautiful person/lumpy germ! and the contents inside did not disappoint.

to this day, i still haven't used all the stickers yet. but the ones i have used currently live on my sketchbook...

the stickers have such pretty art by prominent comedic game reviewer thumbnail/branding artist kevin fagaragan. they're super high quality too! i love how we have an official sticker of the "good!" thumbs up guy now - that's the one surviving pre-2020 thing that made it to this box. speaking of which, the box includes very few references to pre-2020 caddicarus aside from the history video so if you're a veteran fan who hasn't watched/doesn't like the newer vids but still wants to get this, you're out of luck.

as shown in the pictures above, i've used the pins on my backpack! but during the time since i took that picture, the pins have moved to my beanie! it's now blazing hot where i am in the mid-south, so i'm obviously not wearing this out anymore lol, but anywhere i went when it was cooler outside, this beanie would be on my head, showing off my caddicarus and onward fan pride! just like the stickers, the pins are really high quality, much higher quality than the disney enamel pins and buttons i've had. the caddicarus ones stay on super tight!

and let's not forget the gorgeous poster that's on the top of this post!! i feel like it's a comedic game reviewer rite of passage to have a beautiful 80's-style poster designed by PE founder dylan west. pixel empire may tend to bite off more than they can chew but damn, do they have some talented folks.

and that sapphire ticket in the first pic? that's a $10 pixel empire gift card. it can't get you much on the site, but if you got the gold and platinum tickets, you got $50 and $100 respectively...and a 15/30 minute zoom call with caddy!! to this day we haven't seen any reports of gold or platinum tickets yet, strangely. but man, that would've been a dream come true for me.

the picture of jim by the sticker sheet is actually a scratch and sniff. and in true caddicarus fashion, he gave us fans the ability to smell his beard - which actually smells very nice! and on the back is a thank you note signed by the man himself!

but of course, that's not all there is to this box. the meat of this wondrous collectible is the blu ray - packaged in a jewel case with PS1-style boxart. it even comes with a "game" manual that features all kinds of references, and interviews from different people who have worked with caddy!

the disc itself resembles a UK PS1 demo disc. and when you pop it inside, it carries on that aesthetic, as the menus look and sound like old demo discs!

(on the right is the gif i pulled from the pixel empire page for a visual)

the root menu uses the actual music from UK demo discs, but the "press start", main features and bonus features menus use these beautiful, ethereal, supposedly original pieces that i adore so much. unfortunately, while the credits specify who did which pieces of art for the box and menus on the disc, they don't specify who composed the menu music, or if the music was taken from epidemic sound. i tried shazaming it and got nothing. i wish we knew who composed that beautiful music! :(

and now - let's take a look at the videos on the disc!

the first one i watched was "how did i get here, and why is it damp?", as i'm obviously a connoisseur of caddicarus history and i was interested to see how jim himself would recap it. and this is how i learned why jim unlisted all those private videos - sir toasty needed access to them so he could edit the video! this video was the shortest of all of the main features, only being around 40 or so minutes. and i loved it!

not only was it such a surreal experience watching a caddicarus blu ray on the big TV in the living room - as i said, this never could've happened when i was younger - but also, the video was a trip down memory lane and the ending actually made me tear up a bit. it's a reminder of how the caddicarus channel wasn't even supposed to keep going after the 2010s, and it was because of jim's determination that he was able to pull through and make it to 1 million subs.

after that i watched "the secretive world of filming stories", which was about a whole hour longer. it was basically caddy, cerys and olly going through different scenes of the caddicarus show's reboot, and telling the stories about how they were filmed. i adored this one too, as the history and production of the caddicarus show is (obviously) a huge special interest of mine!

then i watched the last main feature, which was "the precious world of caddy's PS1 collection"! this one was also around an hour and 40 minutes, and it was exactly what it said on the tin - caddy going through his PS1 collection and discussing it.

also as a sidenote, seeing jim standing in front of his shelves and talking, along with him bending down to grab two video games off the floor gave me flashbacks to season 10 caddicarus, as that was his exact filming setup and he would bend down to grab the slaughter and salvage guns during the intro...

while i loved this video, i will admit i didn't love it as much as the previous two, but that's pretty much just because i mostly love caddicarus for the comedy/production/history aspects rather than the video game aspect. however, i have seen caddicarus fans who only cared about the PS1 tour and not the history or filming stories vids. different needs for different fans!

and onto the bonus features...

the hidden block reunion podcast was so good!! for a caddicarus veteran like me who was around during the golden age of hidden block, it was so emotional seeing these boys together again, even though balrog wasn't there.

the battle between caddy and brutalmoose was like, a 30 second video. i won't say what it was, but oh my god it was the funniest shit ever.

the stanley's phrase of the week compilation was cute, but honestly any fan could've made that and put it on youtube. i don't get why it had to be a feature on the blu ray.

and finally...the credits!

this is where my biggest disappointment with the blu ray comes in. don't get me wrong, i am 100% grateful with what we got and i couldn't ask for anything more wondrous than this. but in advertisements for the box, there were a few scenes animated in a PS1 style that showed jim fighting different bosses, and the bosses were different characters he's faced throughout the caddicarus reboot. the back of the case states that there are "animated gameplay featurettes", implying that there are multiple animated shorts. however, the credits seem to be the only animated featurette on the disc, and they only showed those exact shots we saw on the advertisements, including a couple extras. the only other animated thing was the secret video on the "press start" menu, which was only a few seconds long. idk i just expected there to be much more drawn-out, fully-voice acted featurettes. they even went to the trouble to make 3D models for olly and caddy's family, and they were only used for a second in the credits. i wasn't the only person confused about this, as there were also others on reddit stumped on it. and it's sad bc i was really excited about that :(

but other than that...i wholeheartedly recommend this box to any die-hard caddicarus fan!! it's a piece of merch that none of us could've ever dreamed of years ago, let alone 8-10 months ago!!

[arthur-r]

lyrics: all my mistakes are a work of art / love letters aimed straight for the heart / should i let them / teach me how to fall apart / it gets better when you get on top and show me how it works / i could never be your kind of flirt / tell me that you’re falling out of love / cause i could never be your kind of drug / love me til the morning cause it hurts to be the one that’s headed for the / curb your appetite and drink your tea with herbs / helps if you just believe it does / tell me all your secrets and i’ll leave you in the morning / help me fight my demons and i’ll love you without warning / sick of sitting pretty in my pearls / thinking i could ever be your girl / do you even notice when i’m gone? / the thought of you, it keeps me up til dawn / waiting, wishing, wanting for your love / but don’t think i could ever be enough / to satisfy your raging taste for blood / but maybe that’s just the way we love / tell me all your secrets and i’ll leave you in the morning / help me fight my demons and i’ll love you without warning / i’ve been waiting so long for someone like you to come / i thought i’d found the answer to all of my lonely nights / coming down, have i reached the ground?have i reached the ground? have i reached the ground?

i’m obsessed with this song rn listening to it on repeat so just thought i’d share

[lorephobic]

“Lovely. Smells good. It smells like Jacob. Weirdly. Nah, it smells good.” Barry on the red carpet last night. My love/hate relationship with the interviewers who keep asking him these type of questions is so complex like we get it and you need to stop right this second bur also PLEASE KEEP GOING 😩🙏

was literally talking with my work bestie today about how much i love hearing barry talk about jacob but if it’s a red carpet interview and u get the chance to ask him any one question in the world and u decide to make that moment about jacob??? sorry but u deserve to be shot.

ask jacob about jacob. this is barrys moment and barrys night. if ur not going to ask him an interesting question about HIM then go bother literally any other celebrity.

also if ur going to ask him about jacob at least be serious. this bathwater candle shit “describe jacob in three words” “what was it like when u first met him”, its all SO TIRED!!!!! NOBODY IS INVESTED IN THEIR LOVE STORY MORE THAN ME!!!!! but i would not be caught DEAD asking barry keoghan what the jacob bath water candles, that he DID NOT BUY BECAUSE HE IS NORMAL, SMELL LIKE!!!! WHEN WILL U PEOPLE LEARN WHAT A BIT IS.

[evilwithcarne]

“You're just another set of bones to lay to rest

I guess it's time to say goodnight

Hope you had a really good time

Good time

But I will soon forget the color of your eyes

And you'll forget mine…”

I’m low on gas and you need a jacket - Pierce The Veil

[maddisjournal]

🤍

[sudiptisaha]

i broke someone's heart and someone broke my heart. I don’t think it’s karma. it’s life. heartbreak’s a teacher.

//ss

[kittenzeke]

[witches-glitches]

... and I just can't contain this feeling that remains.

[foxgirlmoth]

I don't talk about this stuff on here pretty much at all, but a past relationship really broke a ton of bits and pieces of my brain and heart in weird ways (I'm finally thinking about him almost never but the shit he pulled was abusive as hell and still affects me sometimes). Being in love with my current girlfriends for a while felt almost. Painful? Almost like I should be ashamed I can fall so deeply in love with people, and especially how quickly that can happen sometimes too. Thats how it kind of felt. I tend to get overwhelmed with emotions if I'm feeling them very strongly, and that has been extremely embarrassing and also felt almost like I was being a burden to those I love (which love is the main emotion that can 'get dialed up to 11' for me). It IS debilitating in some ways!!! It hasn't gotten bad enough I've been nonverbal in a really really long time but that happened this past week and it was wild to me.

Things are getting better now though! Therapy in the past has helped, and honestly having such patient and understanding partners has made a world of difference ;w;. my wife is someone who was one of my best friends and I had a huge crush on and now I can ask for cuddles and we can nap together and I've fallen so much in love. Her and her presence are literally heaven for me, I don't know if anything has ever made me happier than just laying next to her and feeling her warmth.

Worries of course flare up and I feel like I need to lean on her a lot during those moments, but I don't feel like too much of a burden to her. I love seeing the posts that say stuff like 'Its okay to be a burden' or 'its okay to be annoying' because really truly I think I need to be those things to survive sometimes. I can be 'a lot' and I can be a little bit obsessive and those things aren't inherently bad or evil of me. I just make sure I'm feeling okay during and after and make sure I'm checking in on myself often. I'm a bit of a broken girl, but that doesn't mean I'm not extremely happy and living a life I love. I've written poems and everything about how it feels like it must hurt to love me and my broken jagged edges, but hey, even if it does a little bit, it doesn't mean someone like my girlfriend/wife won't go through a little bit of burden to love me, and I'm more than happy to return all of this and more for her as well if she's ever in need or feels broken ;^;