#the one thing i am confident in with my writing: my ability to write horrible awful deplorable bastards

[alexsnerdycorner]

Touchy-Feely

Title: Touchy Feely

Word Count: 3011

Warning: Smut, Swearing, Unprotected sex, a bit of an age gap, talk of attempted incestuous rape (one sentence).  Bisexual Charles and logan. AFAB reader, dirty talk (so sorry for horrible it is), Oral sex, P in V sex, Anal (Male receiving), Praise kink, multiple female orgasms,

Fandom: X-Men movies / Marvel

Pairing: Charles Xavier X Fem!Reader X Logan

Rating: Mature

Summary: This is based on a request I got from my old fandom blog. I’ve rewritten it, added smut, and edited it. The reader (F) has the ability to make people aroused on contact (much like Alisha from Misfits) and to manipulate others emotions, memories, and more. This is post Days of Future Past, but Charles still has hair and ability to use his lower body because it made sense for the story.

A/N: I had a difficult time rewriting this as I had an ex named Chaz, which is short for Charles/Charlie and he graped me. I’ve always loved Charles Xavier and I’m trying not to let the grapist get to me, but sometimes I am unsuccessful. I hate myself for letting things go so far as to “allow” him to do this to me. But I kinda flinch every time I hear his name or variations of it. Also, this is my first time writing a threesome. Please don’t judge it that harshly.

You discovered your powers five years ago when you turned seventeen and went on a date to prom and your boyfriend’s best friend asked for a dance. This led to him trying to drag you to the bathroom to fuck you. That was when you found out that you could make anyone feel aroused just by touching them. Your boyfriend of the time broke up with you because there was no way he’d be seen dating a mutant freak. You knew for sure you were a mutant when your father tried to comfort you that night and wiped the tears from your eyes and tried to undress you. Luckily your mother was home to drag him off.

You were angry, and wished that he knew better. Better yet, you wished that he would try to burn his hand off. A moment later your father turned on the stove and stuck his hand over the burner, catching his hand on fire. That was when you found out you also had the ability to influence people’s actions and thoughts.

After that, your parents sent you away to Charles Xavier’s school for mutants, or, the nicer way to put it, gifted individuals. Charles took you in out of the goodness of his heart, as he would with any other mutant. You never told him of the embarrassing powers of eroticism, only of your ability to manipulate other’s emotions, actions, and memories. Your first week at his school after Bobby Drake pushed past you and accidentally touched your hand, you had to forcibly push him off you. He didn’t know any better so you altered his memory of the situation. But you were still so visibly upset that the professor, who was ten years older than you, tried to comfort you, you stumbled back to avoid his touch. But were unsuccessful, able to tell how aroused he was by the look in his eyes.

You then confided in him about your true powers and afterward made sure that the other students knew not to touch you, claiming you had a power similar to Rogue’s. Charles always took special interest in you and allowed you to stay at the mansion over the holidays and summers when all the other students went home. You grew to like and desire him, but were too scared to say anything because he was your mentor, but suspected he to had feelings for you. Eventually, you had graduated and became a full-fledged member of the X-Men.

While there, another man also took interest in you, Logan. He was a good-looking man with large muscles and claws made of adamantium. You could feel a lapse in his memories and tried to work with him to get them back. All attempts made were unsuccessful.

Today, you had pretty good control over your powers and it was a few days until your twenty-first birthday. Everyone was on vacation for the start of the holidays leaving you, Charles, and Logan alone in the mansion. You woke happy to get some peace and quiet for once instead of having to deal with students and teaching. You spent the whole day reading for your leisure in the library, but not long before dinner time, you went back to your room to change as Charles requested that you join him for dinner. You put on an alarmingly short dress for your taste that hugged all the right curves.

When you arrived in the dining room Charles sat at the table with your favorite meal in front of the two set seats. You wondered why logan wasn’t joining the two of you.

“Logan is out for the night,” Charles said, looking up through his scraggly brown hair. He paused a moment as you tried to hide a frown, “Good evening, Y/N”

“Hi, Charles,” you smiled at him and sat next to him. You made small talk as you ate dinner.

“Oh, Y/N, I have something for you on the kitchen counter. Would you be a doll and go get it.”

“Really?” your eyes glowed with excitement as you stood and walked to the kitchen. On the island counter sat a small cake iced with the words Happy Birthday Y/N and next to it was a small black velvet box with a white ribbon tied neatly around it. Below your breath, you gasped, “What?”

“Open it,” Charles whispered in your mind.

You smiled and shook your head, “Charles, get out of my head.”

You walked back out into the dining room with the box in your hand.

He had a big stupid grin on his face that you just wanted to kiss away, “Just open it.”

You carefully untied the bow and pulled the top back a bit roughly because the hinges on it stuck. You gasped when you saw what was on the inside of the box. With a huge smile, you took the small necklace into your fingers and examined it. It was in the shape of an infinity sign but with hearts on each end. Beautiful red crystals lined the pendant.

“Oh my god, Charles, it is so beautiful!” you looked up at him, “Thank you so much!” you walked over to him, “would you put it on me?”

He smiled, “of course.”

You handed him the necklace and pulled your hair out of the way. He put the necklace over your head and as he clasped it in the back, his fingers ran across the top of your back. He jerked his hands away and cleared his throat, “I’m so sorry, y/n”

You forgot how much you longed for human contact until now. You turned around and shaking your head, you looked him in the eye, “No, it...it felt good.” You could tell it felt good to him too, his face was beet red and he was taking deep breaths, trying to cover up how aroused he was from your powers. “I forgot how nice the human touch could be.”

You could see that he felt embarrassed for touching you, he had the same face as he did in his office that day he first touched you.

“You know, I am an adult. I’m not that young girl whose hand you touched in your office years ago. I’m different. I have more control.”

He smiled, “I know. You have, uh,” he cleared his throat, “definitely changed. In more ways than one.”

Your desire for him grew with every passing second. You could tell his was too.

“Do it again.”

“What?” Charles asked.

“Do it again. Touch me. I want you to touch me. It feels nice.”

“Y/N, I... I don’t want to take advantage of you like that...I-”

“Charles!” You interrupted. He stopped rambling and looked at you. “I like you a lot. I’m old enough to make my own choices. I know you like me too.”

“But, Y/N…”

“Charles, shut up,” you leaned forward and kissed him on the lips.

He put his hand on the back of your head and kissed you back harder. You straddled him in his chair.

Charles broke the kiss, “Logan’s going to be here any minute.”

“I don’t care,” you kissed him hungrily.

“He’s going to walk in on us,” Charles said between kisses.

“Good, let him. Maybe he’ll join us.”

Charles laughed into your lips and pulled your body closer to his, “God, you are so beautiful.”

“So are you,” you rubbed against him, humping his lap. He stood up, pushed his plate across the table, and set you on the dining room table and stood between your legs. You could feel him hard against you as he kissed you back harder, pushing his body against your own and let his hands wander.

“You have no clue how long I’ve waited for this. How much I’ve dreamed of this” Charles said as you trailed kisses down his neck. He let out a soft grunt.

“I do know. Who do you think put those dreams there to begin with” you slid his tweed jacket off him and tossed it onto the floor.

He let out a breathy laugh, “You sly little minx” and smiled into your kiss.

He traveled his hands up the skirt of your dress as you loosened his tie and unbuttoned his dress shirt. You could feel the heat between you and Charles. His tongue danced with yours. His hand slid on the inside of your upper thigh. You let out a soft moan of ecstasy. He grabbed at the hem of your dress and slid it over your head and threw it behind him. In your bra and panties, you slid his shirt off his lean and slightly muscular body as he marveled at the sight of you.

Charles made out with you some more before you moved your hands from his chest to his belt. You fiddled with the belt blindly as you were too enthralled in Charles to look down. As he slid his hand over the small of you back to the hem of your panties, you slid the belt off him, tossed it aside, and went back to his zipper and button.

Charles’ hand was at the clasp of your bra when you heard a deep and growling throat being cleared from the doorway.

“Come on, we eat on that table!” you pulled away from Charles’ lips, a small trail of saliva still hooking your lips together, and leaned your head on his shoulder. You saw Logan leaning on the door frame, trying to overt his eyes. But you saw what was truly in his eyes. Lust.

Charles looked up and saw Logan as well. You felt his hands travel down to button his pants back up, but you stopped him with one hand and announced, “We will take it to the bedroom. Under one condition”

“What’s that?” Logan asked, mostly to humor you.

“Join us,” You hopped off the table and stood in front of him. His throat bobbed as he tried to show restraint. You reach out to touch him, forgetting about your powers for a moment but caught yourself before you make contact. You drop your hand, “Please”

“He wants to, I can hear his thoughts. He wants it bad. Nearly as bad as you want him.” Charles interrupted, trying to make you feel better about almost touching Logan without consent.

“Stay outta my head, Charles,” Logan did not break eye contact with you.

“Is it true?” You whisper.

Logan growled again, but this time it was a different type of growl. It was a growl filled with want and desire. He reached out his hand and grabbed yours, he took your open hand and placed it on his hardening bulge, “Princess, I’ve wanted you from the first moment I laid eyes on you.”

Your lustful smile grew and you kissed him with a hard, deep, passionate kiss, “Then join us in the bedroom”

He swept you off your feet and turned to Charles, “Comin’ handsome?”  

Charles’ eyes lit up like a Christmas tree. And he followed Logan who led them to Charles’ bedroom. Once the door was shut behind the three of you, Logan lightly tossed you onto the bed and gave you one last kiss before taking his shirt off his body in one swoop.

Logan turned to Charles, “What’re ya waiting for? An invitation? The lady wants us naked. I don’t need to be a mind reader to tell you that.”

Charles stood there for a second too long for Logan’s liking so he stalked over to a stammering Charles, kissed him, and started to undo his zipper to his pants. Logan pushed down Charles’ pants and Charles stepped out of them, leaving him in his underwear. Charles closed his eyes and kissed Logan back as Logan backed them both up to where you sat on Charles’ bed. They pulled apart and looked at you. Heat rushed to your face and to your core.

“See something you like?” Charles spoke up while maintaining eye contact with you.

“I see two things,” You sat up in the bed and drew the both of them close to you. First you kissed Charles, then you kissed Logan. Your hands moved down to Logan’s jeans and unbuttoned and unzipped them. Charles took his pants and yanked them down revealing a large growing bulge in Logan’s underwear.

“Charles, I think Logan sees something he likes as well.” You smirked up at the men.

“I see two things,” Logan said. And pulled you so you were sitting on the edge of the bed. He knelt down in front of you and hooked a finger around your panties. While maintaining eye contact with you, he said, “I can smell how wet you are,”

Charles leaned down to kiss you while Logan slid off your panties and tossed them aside. Logan removed your bra with one hand. You took Charles’ boxers and pulled them down and then took his cock into your hand. You started to jerk him off. With your other hand you reached down to Logan’s head which found its way between your legs. His hands were on your thighs and he began licking your clit in a circular motion.

“Oh fuck, Logan,” you swore, lowering your head to Charles’ cock. You took Carles into your mouth and ran your tongue over the head. This elicited a groan from Charles. You moaned against his cock in approval.

Logan continued to suck at your clit as Charles took one of his hands and placed it behind your head to stoke your hair. You saw Logan reach down, remove his boxers, and pump his cock twice before returning one hand to your thigh and the other to your slit. He slowly worked one finger into your dripping cunt. You mewled with Charles’ cock still in your mouth.  You pulled at Logan’s hair as he added another finger. You felt a building tightness in your core.

You took Charles out of your mouth and moaned for both men to hear, “I’m close. I’m so fucking close.”

“Come for him darling,” Charles moaned as you continued to stroke his cock, “Come for him like the good girl I know you are”

With that you let out a loud moan that reverberated throughout the room. Logan added one last finger to your pussy and you came undone, clenching his head between your thighs.

“Oh, fuck, Logan!” You shouted. Logan removed his head from your thighs and looked up at Charles.

“Come down here and taste her on my lips,” he commanded. Charles followed the orders given to him and pulled his cock from your hands to kneel next to Logan. He took Logan’s member into his hands and kissed him on the lips. Logan’s hand rested on your knee while the other held the back of Charles’ head. Still recovering from your first orgasm, you watched for a moment as Charles and Logan made out.

Charles pulled away from Logan and turned to you, “You want a taste?” he asked.

You slowly nodded your head and leaned forward to meet his lips. You tasted your sweet juices on his lips and groaned, “I need you inside me, now.”

Charles looked to Logan.

“Give the princess what she wants, bub.” Logan broke their connection and stood up. Charles followed suit and stared while Logan commanded you go on your knees.

“All yours, Charles,” Logan whispered, “Get on the bed.”

Charles followed the instructions and knelt on the bed behind you. He guided his cock into your still wet cunt and drove all the way into you, causing you gasp. Charles bent over and kissed your back.

Logan moved from his place in front of you to behind Charles, “God, you two are so beautiful.”

While Charles moved in an out of you at an agonizingly slow pace, Logan worked on getting Charles’ ass ready for him. Both men were well endowed and Logan especially had girth to his cock. When Logan’s first finger made its way into Charles’ ass, Charles jumped a bit, not expecting it. But gasped in pleasure when he added a second finger.

“Y/N, You’re so fucking good. You are taking me so well, love.” Charles whimpered.

You moaned as he nipped the back of your neck. He picked up the pace and began slamming into you all the way down to his balls.  You felt the bed sink down behind the two of you and logan was undoubtedly lining himself up at Charles’ entrance. When you didn’t think that Charles could go any deeper, you let out a ragged breath when Logan pushed into Charles which made Charles push further into you.

The three of you moved in unison. You could hear Logan and Charles moan and groan and kiss. You felt yourself approaching climax. The knot in your stomach grew and grew.

“Fuck, Charles, I’m gonna cum,” You sputtered.

“Come for us, princess” Logan ground out.

You felt your walls clenching onto Charles’ cock and you moaned out, “Oh fuck, you feel so good!”

With the next few thrusts into you, you felt the knot burst and you came undone. With a grunt, Charles’ thrusts were becoming erratic and uneven.

“I’m close,” he panted and was next to come. He stayed, pushing his cum further into your pussy and moaning with pleasure. The bed creaked with Logan’s thrusting.

“I’m almost there,” Logan cried out. And with a few more thrusts he came into Charles’ ass with a howl.

Logan pulled out of Charles who then pulled out of you. The two men then situated themselves on the bed so that you were between them. You could feel sleep calling your name.

***

You woke up in the morning lodged between a hairy Logan and a snoring Charles. Neither of your companions were wearing shirts while their lower half remained covered by the sheet. You were wearing nothing but the sheet. You dared not wake them, so you stayed put, staring up at the ceiling with the sun shining in on your face.  

[wandanatsgf]

Lovers, Vampires, Strangers Part 1

Pairing: Vampire!Wanda Maximoff x Vampire!Reader

Word Count: 1182

Summary: This story starts in the year 1850. You and your girlfriend Wanda are happy together. You have everything you could ever want, until she secretly turns you into a vampire. After a horrible accident, you leave her and that life behind. Now 173 years later, she's come to ask you for help.

Author's note: I tried a different style of writing, I hope you like it! This was originally posted on my old account. It was going to be a multiple part fic, but I never finished it. I am hoping to finally finish it now!

Part 2

Part 1: 1850, the Shittiest Year of My Life

This story starts in the spring of 1850. The year my life went to shit. AKA the year Wanda came into my life and ruined everything. Now I know what you’re saying dear reader, how am I alive if I was born so long ago? Well the truth is, I am a vampire, and no not the kind from twilight. We don’t sparkle in the sun. In fact we’re the same as you, except we have to eat blood to live and we have a few extra supernatural abilities.

Anyway, back to the story. The year is 1850 and I am eighteen years old. At this time I am living in France in my parent’s manor with my two siblings and best friend, Sebastian. I was normal then. I was human. My life was like any other person of nobility. It was full of balls and glitz and glamor. I would dance and be merry every night with my best friend by my side. I thought nothing could go wrong, and then it did.

I remember the exact day things changed. It was April 12, 1850. That was the day Wanda entered my life. She was an orphan, or so she said, and my parents took her in. She was the same age as me and she was beautiful. She had long brown hair and piercing green eyes that could stare into your soul. She was kind and elegant. She was perfect. Little did I know how dangerous she truly was. I was blinded by love and by infatuation. I knew not of the monster that lurked in her soul, the same monster that she made me. But I am getting ahead of myself. 

Before I knew who she truly was, I spent all of my hours with Wanda. She slowly became my confidant, my lover and then my everything. Sure it was considered wrong back then, but in my heart I knew something that felt this good couldn’t be anything but right. 

We would hang out by the mangroves near my house, making sure no one saw us. I would kiss her like my life depended on it and she me. I loved her with every fiber of my being, but that love burned out when she killed me.

She had asked me one day, “Don’t you want to be together forever Y/n.”

“Of course I do,” I had said, oblivious about what was to come. “That is all I wish for. I want to be with you forever and live in a world where we don’t have to hide.”

Wanda had smiled at this and handed me herbal tea we had brought with us. I took a sip and placed the glass down. Wanda had placed her hands around my neck, like she was going to kiss me and I leaned in. Her face gets within inches of mine, and then she snaps my neck. 

I awoke a monster, but I didn’t know that then. I thought I had just fallen asleep in the arms of my girlfriend. I didn’t know I was a vampire, something that defies all the laws of human nature. I was something that shouldn’t exist, yet here I am now, writing all of this down. 

The night I turned was the night of a ball in my honor. I foolishly attended, not knowing what it would lead to. The feelings that began to bloom within me were terrifying yet exhilarating. The power was tasty, and I was hungry. I was blinded by this and…well I’ll flashback and let you read what happened for yourselves.

 “Can you fasten this around my neck?” I ask Wanda as she helps me get ready. I was putting on the finishing touches to my outfit, but I couldn’t manage to get this clasp.

“Of course Y/n.” She fastens the intricate gold and gem necklace around my neck.

“You look beautiful,” she says. My face heats up at the compliment.

“Thank you,” I look down, unable to look her in the eyes and accept the compliment.

“Hey I mean it. You’ll be the prettiest girl there tonight.” She places a soft kiss on my lips and when we break apart I can't contain my happiness. 

“Now let’s go to that party and have the time of our lives,” Wanda says. I place my hand in hers and we walk that way until we reach the ballroom. We break apart when we enter the room and suddenly my senses are overwhelmed. All I can hear are the sounds of people’s heartbeats. All I can feel is hunger. My senses were overwhelmed and I didn’t understand what I was doing until it was over.

I walked up to Sebastian, my dearest friend. I didn’t mean to do it. He was my bestest friend and I just thought being around him might calm me. However the closer I got, the more tempting the feeling to rip his throat out was. I couldn’t resist it anymore and I sunk my new found fangs into his neck. He didn’t even have the chance to scream before he was dead.

People around us began to scream and I took a step back and realized what I had done.

“Sebastian,” I breathed out, coming out of the trance I had been in. People rushed past us, desperate to get away from the monster until it was only me, Wanda, and Sebastian left. 

“Please no no no,” I cried. I shook his body, begging for him to wake up. All I could think was, “What have I done?”

“Come on please,” I beg. I lightly slap his face and I get nothing. Not even so much as a twitch. 

“He’s not going to wake up dear. He’s dead,” comes a voice from behind me. I jump up and charge at this figure.

“This is your fault. You did this to me,” I screamed in the brunette’s face. I had her pushed up against the wall. “It was that tea wasn’t it? You did something to me, you changed me,” I cry.

“I’m sorry but I did this so we could be together forever.” She changes our position so that I am now the one pushed up against the wall.

“I did this because I love you.”

“You made me a monster,” I cried out. I could feel tears falling.

“No I didn’t honey. You’re beautiful like this.”

She gently caresses my face with her fingertips and I wince at the contact. I could feel fangs protruding where my teeth had once been. I could feel my veins popping out around my eyes and I could feel the blood that covered my face. It was sticky and wet and it belonged to my best friend. I was disgusted with myself and I could hardly breathe. I ran out of that house, with speed I didn’t know I had but that I now possessed. I left that house, that life, in the dust. I never saw Wanda again, until now. 173 years later here she is at my doorstep and I want nothing to do with her.

[weebsinstash]

People keep asking me if I have any 'yandere Alastor vs. yandere Lucifer fighting over Reader' ideas, and I gotta say one of my favorite ones is uh

Ok so I just am trying to kick myself in the ass to write this in of itself, but, I really like the idea of Alastor just straight up tricking you into giving him your soul. "Oh what if Reader takes a deal from him" no what if he makes a deal for your soul and you don't even fucking realize what you're doing and it's completely unintentional. I'm talking, my specific idea, is that after a prolonged series of events where you both gain and then lose Alastor's respect, he then approaches you when you're just like DRUNK DRUNK and, you're being all social and slurring and honestly he's embarrassed for you but at least you're talking to him, and, he sets his trap: making it seem like just an innocent little game, Alastor suggests you two have some kind of drinking game, and the winner can take ANY ONE THING from the other, and he's even all "oh, you don't even have to bother yourself with thinking about it! I could simply JUST TAKE IT and not even inform you, so then you wouldn't even have to worry yourself about whatever it is I decided to... acquire for myself :)"

And here's your drunken delusionally confident ass, thinking YOU'RE gonna pull one over on HIM, YOU trick ALASTOR "oh haha there's definitely nothing I have he wants lol, what would he do, take my cellphone or some of my shitty clothes or collectibles, lmao, I'm gonna win and I'm gonna ask him for some sort of special power or cool thing or gossip, this is low stakes high reward for sure"

Cue you like IMMEDIATELY losing his challenge, and even then, you're all smiles and laughs, "aww, I thought I had you there! So what are you taking?" And he just "Ohhhh, nothing :) actually I... even already took it from you!" And he starts LAUGHING laughing and you're just like "oh, you bastard, you got me! >u< more drinks, yay!"

I like the idea that Reader wakes up the next morning STILL in compete ignorance but uh, eventually you find out exactly how terrifying having someone else own your soul is when Alastor gives you some sort of command of something you REALLY do not want to do and you can't even control your own body to stop yourself from doing it anyways. Just the... violations of privacy, the loss of autonomy. He can force every thought and secret out of your mouth, your head, and move your body to the best of its abilities, and also just, PLUCK you to his location at will

So. Lucifer finds you just absolutely BROKEN in bed, like emotionally devastated, you are as close to suicidal as you can be for someone who cannot die, and, maybe you've even self-harmed. And after some gentle prodding from the Devil, you reveal what Alastor did, but, even more than that, how it made you FEEL. Alastor had approached you as some kind of friend, then started to want to exert some kind of ... control over you, commenting on your lifestyle choices, wanting you to do things with him in HIS way, and then when you resisted, he acted like you were a disappointment, even stopped spending time with you, and THEN, after you thought he was done with you, TRICKS YOU into giving him YOUR SOUL. It's just completely destroyed your psyche. It's reinforced horrible things you've thought about yourself your entire life. It made you feel alone, and now, you don't even have your soul anymore

So naturally Lucifer is like, "That's horrible! I'm so sorry he hurt you like that, I won't let him do this!" AND JUST FUCKING UNDOES IT. Contract WHAT? Radio Demon WHO? this is HELL and Lucifer is, you know, THE DEVIL FROM UH, THE BIBLE, and he's just snapping his fingers and you FEEL your soul come back to you and now you're breaking down crying for entirely different reasons while Lucifer holds you

MEANWHILE ALASTOR, who is fucking off elsewhere, may or may not be lovingly gazing at whatever form your soul is taking within his grasp, HAS IT RIPPED AWAY FROM HIM AND STARTS LOSING HIS MIND. Some "Wait, what just happened? Ffffuck." shit for real, he's, abruptly jerking out of his chair so hard it's sliding across the floor and he's racing back to the Hotel. Charlie stands up for him and shouts down her father that he has no right to ask the Radio Demon to leave, but, Charlie "attempts" to give Alastor "a stern talking to" about how "friends don't take other friend's souls, taking other people's souls is not how we get into Heaven" which, of course, falls on deaf ears, but Charlie isn't the Morningstar Alastor is wanting to concern himself with

And of course, there's Lucifer, making sure he's standing close to you, maybe even between you and Alastor, standing in front of you protectively, MAYBE EVEN HOLDING YOUR HAND TO COMFORT YOU. Alastor just immediately putting two and two together what happened and all but grinding his teeth into dust. Not only has Lucifer interfered and taken something IRREPLACEABLE from him(which was something he took from YOU lol), but, Lucifer has driven a wedge between you ans the Radio Demon. Alastor is watching you regard him with nothing but anger and sadness and fear while clinging to the tiny fallen angel and just, ohhhh, if looks could kill, the staredown these two are having with each other over you...

You've got one yandere who had your soul within his hands and had it taken back before he even got to enjoy having it, didn't get to DO anything with it, and another yandere who, quite understandably, feels that it isn't safe to let you leave from under his protective wing, and BOTH of them are convinced you have to be protected from the other while ALSO being super powerful

You know, the perfect combination of dangerous abilities and dangerous minds :) obviously our favorite Appletini is the more powerful one, but I think our Bambi could give him a good run for his money through sheer trickery alone. If you thought it was annoying getting pulled into antagonistic musicals BEFORE--

[mrs-snape5984]

“Free me from this pain, I’ve been running from…”

“I'm tired and I'm free falling. Free me! I'm lost and I am calling you…” (“Free me” by Sia)

I’ve experienced some very rough hardships in my almost 40 years lasting existence in this world…but I’ve never given up on myself. I knew, that I’d have to fight my way back out of these horrible miseries, and I kept my faith to find the path to better times…to find the path, which will lead me upwards again.

I admit, these hardships left their marks, their scars on me. They formed my heart and my mindset…they made me the person, that I am today. I learned my lessons…and I kept going.

Since I’m living struggling with this goddamn bitch of a disease, called ME/CFS, my life has only one direction: It’s going downhill…and it’s getting faster! In these past 1,5 years, I’ve lost more and more of all the things, which made my life worth living for. I lost my ability to do my job as a pedagogue and social worker. I lost my freedom, since I’m stuck in my dark room day and night. I lost a lot of social contacts, since screen time is messing with my brain and each phone call costs me too much energy. I lost my capability to be an active mother for my three children…and this is the part, that hurts the most. Damn, I lost so much more…and I feel my heart shattering in pieces every fucking day!

Everything in my life is slowly falling apart and I’m losing my grip on reality…and on myself! The newest pain in the ass is probably my habit of passing out every few days. My whole system shuts down in the middle of a simple talk or something else and I’m falling into unconsciousness! I can’t remember the things, I’ve done before…I’m just blacked out for several hours. At first, my kids were afraid in these moments…especially when they couldn’t wake me up from this state! But now, they simply accept that “quirk” of mine as their new reality…and my motherly heart is aching for them. This shouldn’t be their reality! They shouldn’t have to live with a mother, who’s always in the dark…who’s always lying in bed! They’re children!! They shouldn’t have to whisper in my presence. I should be the person, they can rely on unconditionally!! Fuck…my heart is bleeding…and I’m sorry for my pathetic venting.

I need a way out of this hell…but since there isn’t any possibility for me right now, I’ll keep on clinging on Severus. My fantasies of him and my way of coping with my misery by writing stories about him and my - oh so self-inserted - OC Julia/Jules are the only thing, that keeps me mentally stable functioning. Well…at least that’s what I’m telling myself. I mean, I know how depressed my posts might seem.

My favourite artist for my darkest ideas is my friend @madfantasy. I told Mani about my wish to be freed from my darkness…to be cured from my disease. I need a saviour…a true hero…I need Severus! Since there aren’t any promising medical treatments, I’ll need a magical miracle to get rescued. And this is exactly, what Severus is trying for me. He conjures the demons inside my soul and forces them to leave my body. Severus is the only person, who’s brave enough to face the darkness within me. He’s my knight…and the love of my life. 21 years of my life, it was Severus, who kept me going…who inspired me with his resilience and his courage! A lot of those previous hardships could be endured by me, because I had something, I believed in. I had something, that gave me confidence and strength. I had Severus. So, please…don’t let me lose my hope and my faith in his support. And don’t let me lose my faith in myself.

Mani, my precious friend, I’m stunned by your ability to understand my ideas. Every time, I’m commissioning you for another project, your art helps me to soothe my troubled heart. It is as if you’re drawing my feelings!! I can sense my own emotions in every single line of your drawing. You don’t know, how grateful I am that I was allowed to meet you here. I love our conversations and our understanding for each other. Feel hugged, Mani! I’m sending you so much love! 🫂🫂 (fly fly) 🥹🖤 Thank you for everything.

🖤Severus & Julia🖤

🖤Sevy & Jules🖤

[artyandink]

Just a little thing from the entirety of my heart:

I have only started properly writing on just Tumblr since a few months ago (haven’t kept count really), but I started an account a few years ago. But in that time, I’ve managed to grow as a writer and a person, got a lot more feedback and followers and publicity (don’t know what to call it otherwise) and it’s absolutely amazing.

I’m not as technically skilled or organised as some of the other absolutely goddamn brilliant writers on here, but I can tell you that I’m so grateful for everything that y’all have done to build my little space here.

I’ve struggled a lot over the years, with depression, anxiety, some degree of Autism Spectrum Disorder and have had some great difficulty with socialising and keeping real friends, which is a bummer. But fanfiction, writing, original fiction- it’s all an out for me. To be someone who I’m not, to escape from everything in the outside world and have one more where people look at me and think ‘wow, she’s so cool’ and out there it’s ‘ew, she’s so socially awkward’ because my social battery doesn’t replenish very easily and I tend to expect the worst.

Now, I know you don’t want to listen to my rant about my hardships, so here’s a selection of people that I wanna thank for making me more confident and more skilled as a writer just in general, which I absolutely appreciate (even if you aren’t mentioned in this list, I absolutely love y’all who support me as a writer):

@zepskies - You’re such an amazing writer here, you deserve every bit of support and love that you get from your readers because you’re truly a natural writer and such an amazing person in general. I only improved after analysing your writing and putting it into practical use. Also, your writing’s like self-therapy for me. You should be really proud of yourself (and this goes for everyone). @k-slla - Same for you, Kerly! Another thing was that I saw you about on Tumblr, and we found each other but you helped bring me out of my shell and gave me the support that I needed, and I’m forever grateful for that. @waynes-multiverse - Wayne, you were one of the first writers to give me your feedback on my first proper, thought out series here on Tumblr and I’m so glad you did, cause I met an amazing person and got to see your brilliant work, again something that I took inspiration from. @jackles010378 - You, my friend, are such a good hype person! You also tagged me in the little ‘get to know you’ posts, and otherwise I’d be a socially awkward hermit, so I am indebted to you for it. Keep on doing what you’re doing and including me even if my social battery hasn’t charged. It’ll shoot up to 100% ;) @angelbabyyy99 - Thalia, I bow down to you and your ability to write CJ. And you’ve reviewed my latest fics and it hyped me up so much that after a section of writer’s block induced by being horribly ill, I’m banging out fics in a day or two that previously would take me weeks. So glad you found me, and I hope you stick around, lovely! @dean-winchester-is-a-warrior - You’re such a good writer, and I recently found out that you were/are/could be in the same boat I am, and I can’t tell you how much that meant to me. To know that this isn’t a battle I’m fighting alone meant everything and I can’t thank you enough for sharing your struggles with everyone.

That was pretty heartfelt, but I felt like I had to say it otherwise my heart would burst from being so goddamn happy that I found my community.

The SPN community is so goddamn nice?!?!

Love, Arty 💜

[sincerely-sofie]

Have you ever wanted to draw something but you fought due to your skill level at the time you decide not to do it

Ohhh man. I’ve got so many projects that I want to make but haven’t because I view my current skill set as lacking— and they’re almost always drawing related, because I’m very insecure about my drawing skills— even moreso than my writing skills. To go on a tangent and paint a picture of how severe this visual art insecurity is, I will list off how many people I have directly permitted to read my major written pieces once I passed my mid-teens:

My older sister, because she was my co-writer for the project and not letting her read my work wasn’t an option

My mother on one occasion

My aunt, who has experience with writing and publishing, and I have only ever sent two pieces to

Look at that number of people. The number of pieces I shared with them, in total, was four out of the hundreds of projects I’ve made over the years. I was so precious about my writing because I’m insecure about it. I’m even more insecure about my art. I couldn’t list off all the drawing projects I hesitate to make because I think it’s impossible with my current skill level, not even in a thousand years, but I’ll give a few examples that are always in the back of my mind lately.

A semi-animated pilot to a fantasy-comedy cartoon parodying The Office, starring a goblin secretary who’s trying to assassinate her employer and take over as the final boss of an RPG-esque dungeon that operates like an office building, while her employer is a lich who misinterprets all her efforts to kill him as her being flirty, leading him to develop a very severe crush on the goblin. The project is titled “Boss Fight”, and I have all the resources I need to make it, but I drag my feet because of my art insecurity… also I would be doing all the voice acting myself, and I don’t find my voice very appealing even when I change it to fit different characters.

A webcomic about a fantasy world populated by bipedal bug people that features a very brief “save the world” plot, then focuses the rest of the storyline on how the characters recover from the events of their backstories and the trauma the experienced while saving the world. It’s titled “The Creeping Chronicles”, and I love the project but am so insecure about being able to do the story justice with my art skills that I’ve tentatively pivoted to making it a book series instead. It’s got 21k+ words across 10-ish chapters because I’m too insecure about my art to draw it fully.

A slice of life comic titled “Welcome to Wayside” that’s basically Gravity Falls meets Stardew Valley where a young girl saves a cryptid’s life and now he’s stuck helping her until he repays the life debt he owes. The story features a vaguely men in black-style evil secret agency called G.L.O.O.M. (Gents for Ludicrous Oddity Organization and Management) who have various ranks are named after facets of fashion (khakis are their grunt labor and pocket squares are researchers) and they use a threat-ranking system based on dress codes (i.e. “WE HAVE A BLACK TIE DOWN ON SOUTH STREET, REPEAT: BLACK TIE DOWN ON SOUTH STREET”), and I adored G.L.O.O.M. along with the cast of characters featured in the story, but I don’t feel confident in my ability to design interesting-looking original cryptids.

I could leave this post at that, but I’ve got an important thing to say on this subject—

If you want to make something but are hesitating to because your skill levels are lackluster, make it anyways.

Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever can. Let yourself make the thing, and let yourself make the thing badly. Love it and how ugly it is. The perspective is all askew in this part, and that character is horribly off model there, and isn’t it all amazing? You made that! You made a thing! And you wouldn’t have this thing that you made if you waited until the conditions were perfect to make it and refused to create the thing before your skills were sufficient.

There’s this terrible thing about creative projects— one that is very noticeable in drawing projects especially, in my experience. As your artistic skills develop, your artistic vision also develops to become more and more detailed and masterful… and it’s always going to be outside of your grasp. If you wait until you’re ready to make the thing, you will never make the thing, because you’ll never feel ready no matter how much you build your skills. But if you make the thing before you feel totally prepared, you’ll learn and grow artistically as well as personally, and will be able to feel more confident in future thing-making efforts.

[bonesandthebees]

rhaenicent! rhaenicent! rhaenicent! One of the very few things that kept me engaged with the 5 episodes of house of Dragon I did watch (the combination of Cole being like THAT and the very sudden time skip threw me off so badly I stopped watching during ep 6 (but my mom still gave me all the plot updates).

Anyway, I love this au! I love when people really dig into the worldbuilding and figure out what would be affected by the changes. Having no Targaryens means Otto can’t work his way up to the right hand of the king as easily (or does not deem it worth the effort since it’s way smaller a country). But he still tries to get his daughter married to a royal anyway. (And it’s really fucked up that he tells her this her entire live, like she’s not even officially engaged, there’s no signed contract, he’s just that confident in his own ability to marry off his daughter.)

But it makes sense that Alicent is so brainwashed that it’s not only normal to her, she’s comforted by it. As long as she knows she’ll marry someone her own age, she’s fine with being married off. The prospects are good after all. And she feels no attraction to either of them, so she does not care which son it ends up being.

The thing that throws her off, isn’t having to marry, it’s the combination of her secure future being changed so easily without her having any control over it as well as the fact that this king is very old (which poor canon Alicent btw). Tbf, I think the age throws her more since she can kinda see the logic of why he is the ‘best’ option (essentially, her father could get his blood on the throne a generation earlier, provided that both other sons die before being crowned). It gives her immediate sway over the crown.

But while bearing the children of the younger man didn’t bother her, she knows bearing the king’s children would be an actively unpleasant experience. Thus she is incredibly stressed about the very idea of it (mainly because she knows her father is considering it, and while he has yet to confirm or arrange anything, she has clearly already figured out the advantages on her own and knows it to be something her father would take).

And yet, when Rhaynyra points out that she could refuse, Alicent insists that she is bound by duty (and the sexism). Again, my girl is brainwashed. She has to do this, no matter how unenjoyable it would be, for her family, to protect her family, to empower her family because her father said so who said that? Not me.

Anyway, this is getting long, so moving on to another ask.

(1/?)

-🌲

spruce do you know how excited I got when this popped in my inbox I forgot you've seen some hotd so I wasn't expecting to hear from just about any of my regulars about the fic but I'm !!! rn (also that's very fair for dropping off, I am waiting with bated breath every episode hoping crispin cole dies in horrible agony I hate him so much)

honestly a big reason why I wanted to write this was because of all the changes to the world I'd get dig into if the targaryens never went on their conquest. Otto is in a very different position in this world since he's not the Hand of the King, and instead just kind of helps his brother run things in Oldtown. but also because the Reach is a much smaller kingdom and the Hightowers have such a close relationship with the Gardeners, as a family they have a higher standing. that's why Otto already knows he'll be able to arrange a marriage for Alicent from the day she's born. the Hightowers themselves are practically Reach royalty in this world. not to mention, the Hightowers are the lords of Oldtown, which in the canon asoiaf universe is the largest and richest city in all the Seven Kingdoms. so in this au where the Reach is it's own kingdom, Oldtown is a huge center of power and influence.

the thing about Alicent is that although she is much more okay with the idea of marrying someone her own age, I think if she ever had actually gotten to her wedding day with one of the princes then she would've started feeling similar anxiety and dread. not as much as she's feeling over the idea of marrying the King, but she wouldn't be as calm having to actually confront the idea of having a husband and all the duties that come with that (I am a lesbian Alicent truther I will die on that hill). however, this fear was greatly sped up and multiplied with the knowledge that instead of marrying a handsome boy her own age who she would at least have some things in common with, instead she is going to marry a man more than twice her age. and like you pointed out, there's also the aspect that her future has changed so suddenly without her having even the slightest bit of agency over it. she's always known she doesn't have any control of her own life, but this is a really stark reminder of that fact.

and Alicent is smart. she's Otto Hightower's daughter for a reason. she can immediately see and understand the political implications and what her father's strategy is. there is no reason for her father not to make the switch and marry Alicent to the king, except if he were to consider Alicent's feelings on the matter. which Alicent already knows he will never do. and Alicent has been raised to believe this is normal. this is how the world should work. this is what her duty is as a daughter. poor girl :(

[damsels-n-dice]

For the tarot ask game: the Heirophant and the Sun!

The Hierophant — Who is a fellow game designer you’ve learned a lot from? OR What is a piece of popular wisdom about games you think is nonsense?

i have a horrible memory, particularly for names, so i'm not confident in my ability to point at anyone in particular as a source of knowledge or inspiration. (that being said, i am going to shout out J.N. Butler purely for giving me the confidence to put price tags on my games). so i suppose i have to talk about popular wisdom... and pretend i know what that actually is, as someone who's still new to game design

i suppose i'd like to see more people and games blurring the line between game master and player? i very much view a game master as just a player with a slightly different role, and i see quite a few games that forget that game masters are playing the game too! or games that do away with them entirely, which is fine, but i do love running games. give me more games with multiple game masters, or where people swap in and out of the role, or where the "standard" responsibilities of that role are challenged somehow.

(if i'm just looking at the wrong kind of games, i'd love to see ones with the sort of thing i'm talking about! recs are so welcome)

The Sun — Talk about a game you’ve made that you’re proud of.

i was so hoping for this question!!! most of my game design in the past has been lyric games, solo games, or very short multi-player games. i'm a full-time student and have an irl job too, so those formats (200 word, one page, solo games) are easier with my limited time. but i've been wanting for ages to write myself a "proper", lengthier game.

i finally did that last month, in the form of 'til it kills us, my entry for the queer wrath jam! it's inspired by some of my favourite stories (both ones i wrote and ones other people did) and it's about 15x longer than anything else i've written. it was a massive labour of love, and it's still a work in progress! i'll be starting playtesting for it soon.

not only am i proud of it because of the amount of effort and the size of it, though -- it's also my favourite concept for a game i've worked on! the playbooks, each based on an emotion and the kind of magic i imagine that emotion would create, are so much fun to write. many of them are based on a combination of characters i love, real people i know who fit the archetypes, and just a very vivid imagination.

it's the best thing i've made so far, and i'm hoping the next thing i release will live up to the standards that this one set for me!

(and that i can get some equally cool art for it)

(honorable mention also to my lyric game defensive programming! i'll be the first to admit that it's barely a lyric game, let alone an actual playable game, but it was so much fun to write. i love lyric games as writing exercises, working in interesting metaphors and historical/literary references. and this one has by far the most frequent and most interesting stuff going on in terms of references and wordplay!)

[night-dark-woods]

5, 7, 15 for the fic asks!!

thank you!!! this got extremely long.

5. What’s a fic idea you’ve had that you will never write?

oooh hm. idk about Never, but ive been rotating the idea of Chalco and Aunor interacting bc the different ways they orbit around Ikora FASCINATE me, and the things that have been asked of them are very different. it would have to be epistolary i think and while i DO think i have enough primary sources to get their voices and values alright (letters from Aunor etc, and then WQCE my beloved), im not confident in my ability to do epistolary, & also i'd need something specific for them to argue about (that i also am interested enough in to litigate thru character POVs).

i've yet to decide if I'm accepting the TFS ending cutscene panel where Ikora is using strand, bc im suuuper ambivalent on Ikora using any darkness subclass- i need to re-listen to a bunch more post-campaign stuff to see how i feel about it, bc i know she talks to Mara a LOT in mission voicelines, and i think a lot of their past conflict has been over Mara's antipathy towards the Light & focus on balance over sheer faith in the Traveler (not religious Faith-faith, as we've talked abt before, bc i dont think Ikora sees the Traveler as a *god* like Zavala does- it's like gravity or thermodynamics its simply *true,* and can be explained. its not something that requires faith or sacrifice.)

but if i decide to accept that as canon then i think that would make a FASCINATING argument because Aunor has been Ikora's hunting dog for YEARS, cold-blooded killer putting down guardians who fall to darkness, and i think the sheer betrayal (from Aunor's POV) of Ikora changing her position on that would cause SUCH a crisis of faith for Aunor (what does that mean for what she's done in Ikora's name? what does that mean for how she can live with the weight of it?), and i think constrasting that with Chalco being Ikora's right-hand man (her silly rabbit / does she call you that / no) BUT without the blind loyalty that Petra has for Mara ("you are not the queen and i am NOT one of her cadre") could be sooo fun bc it wouldn't be a simple "Aunor mutiny Chalco loyal." i just dont know if Actually Writing it will provide more enrichment for me than just rotating the concept in my head.

that got long!!! and also ive partially convinced myself to work on it eventually lol.

anyway. that's the main one that i can think of, that isnt a "this scenario sounds hot BUT i dont want to write it bc there isnt enough character work to make the logistical nightmare of writing porn worth it" LMFAO

7. How many ideas for fics do you have right now?

5-ish?

- Elsie&Amanda (nicknamed "horsegirl movie but its a robot with dysphoria") where Elsie needs help fixing some part of her body and she can't do it by herself for some reason and then has to deal with the fact that Amanda regards her body with a simple honest appreciation that Elsie will NEVER feel for herself bc of when and how she became an exo!!! her own mother calls her body a "walking lazaretto" and she watched her father die horribly for this technology!!! god!!!

- Ikora's fight with Madhir & how she let him eat her ability to want anything. god. Ikora Rey woman that you are. also inspired by the way the demon works in dunmeshi bc i think the Ahamkara should work more like that. fuck monkey's paw genie trick wishes, getting exactly what you wished for and in doing so losing part of Who You Are is so much better. the Ahamkara aren't evil tricksters they are PREDATORS they are the very tippy top of the food chain and as dunmeshi says. to eat is the sole privilege of the living. there is no moral weight to that no matter how violent and that makes the violence of it far more interesting!!!

- somewhere between 3 and 5 high-concept porn fics, 2 at WIP stage and several that may or may not get written, all Petra-centric bc i (and Jackie) love to put that dyke in situations (all have Mara/Petra/Sjur as a given established relationship, the two WIPs are focused on Mara/Petra and Petra/Sjur & the ones that may just stay as ideas have bonus Petra/Amrita(/other corsairs) & Petra(/Sjur)/Amanda)

15. How do you come up with titles for your fics/chapters?

song lyrics mostly!!! often the one i was listening to a lot while writing/thinking about it, or one that makes me feel like that post thats like "song that reminds me of my favorite character comes on and i make the most unwell expression known to man."

the problem is i want the vibe of the whole song to mostly fit which means i've recently become aware that i nearly exclusively listen to sad music, apparently, bc i could not find a Single Song i like that fit the very fluffy/conflict-free Amanda/Sloane fic i wrote recently, so instead its both a line from the fic and a bit of a pun on the content lol: follow-through (impact play)

[mooifyourecows]

What typically gives you inspiration to write your stories? How do they become fully developed concepts after you gat hit with inspiration?

I'll get inspiration from anything tbh. Dreams, videogames, movies, tv shows, books, other fics, songs, something i saw at the grocery store, etc. Sometimes I just have a character or relationship dynamic that i want to write and build around that.

I'll think up a new story idea almost every other week. Not all of them become something though lol some of them are just a flash in a pan idea that i quickly forget about/abandon because i just can't really sink my teeth into it, you know?

When i do have an idea that i want to pursue, it slowly grows into fully developed concepts over the course of weeks or months. I keep notes in my phone and add to them when ideas come to me. Eventually, when the story is starting to hold water, I'll make a playlist for it because having that musical connection really helps me develop even more of the story/character/mood. I've changed whole story ideas because the playlist i put together had a different vibe from my original plan haha it's VERY vital to my creation process. which is why everyone should listen to my story playlists because THEY'RE IMPORTANT AND REALLY DRIVE HOME THE VIBE! (ehhh some of them are more important than others. some are mostly for my own benefit, having certain music playing while i'm writing to keep the mood/voice)(but still)(pls like my playlists, i put a lot of effort into them)

I'm not the type of writer who can get an idea and then just write it. (if those types of writers even exist. do they exist?) I really take my time planning stuff out. I have several stories/story ideas that I've been consistently thinking up and jotting down notes on for literal years. I think of a lot of really great stuff when i give myself the time to do it. And I'd miss out on absolute gold if I just sat down and wrote them the instant I had enough to make a story.

Some stories do grab me immediately though. Like recently I got an idea for a new DaiSuga fic and I've very excitedly spat out 12k words in the past two-ish weeks. In cases like this, the story just fleshes itself out so perfectly that I can't help but get it out of my head. I might hit a block on it soon and have to put it on the backburner until I figure out a way around it, but for now, I'm just putting whatever I can onto the page, regardless of how good it is.

And a lot of the time, it's garbage, you know? I just write total trash. Boring dialogue, zero description, scenes that cut off in the middle because I don't know how to progress to the next one, etc. Most of my stories are in this horrible Pre-Frankenstein state where it's just pieces and parts I have to figure out how to sew together and shoot some life into them so they move the way I want them to. And sometimes that takes a long time to accomplish, so they just kinda sit in my wip folder, waiting for me to get the sudden motivation to dust them off and fix them up. (or on occasion, restart from page one)

I'm really not super organized or professional or anything. I just think things and I write them down so I don't forget. Somehow they manage to fit together into something people want to read. It helps that I'm constantly watching movies/TV or reading. Once you get a really good feel of how stories of all different genres work, you can make your own. And I can't really say for sure how good of a writer I am, I definitely don't think I'm on the same level as a lot of writers that I've read, both in fandom and in original fiction. I can see how my vocabulary, grammar, description, etc doesn't hold up to those people. But if there's one thing I know I can do, and feel confident in my ability to do, it's telling a story.

I may not be able to describe a setting but boy howdy can I tell a story 🫵

[gcldenchild]

man, it's been a while since i posted here properly. it's been an enlightening past two days to say the least and it's all got me reflecting not only on my time here but also the future for this blog, my lore, etc. so...

have a pretty big dump under the cut. this'll be long, i feel like i have a lot to cover. i dunno who'll even read it, but i feel it's worth getting out there anyways.

so. yeah! been a while. been a LONG fucking while. im 21 now, turning 22 soon; almost 3 years have passed since i put this blog in its weird hiatus state. prior to that i was active a lot, writing a lot - i genuinely was extremely happy. in a way, i still am - but that only came after a very, VERY involved few years of consistent therapy appointments and learning to write for myself to somehow see my ideas through instead of pushing myself to be here.

so. should probably talk about that. i wont go into mega details because it's *done* and i don't want to bring a carcass to the surface, but i *do* want to give it a gravestone.

september and october of 2021 are the two months i can easily say are up there on some of the worst of my entire life. a lot of my own personal experience with my muse - with goldie - practically *died* during that span of time as a result of the things that happened. some of you might have an *idea* of things, and if so, please - don't bring it up, don't ask me or anyone else about it. i'm making this post for me, for my OWN catharsis. if people don't like that, *don't make it my problem.*

i don't fear people knowing, i just... i don't want to constantly have things be brought back and forth. im only just now realizing that what i went through *was not a singular experience*, and that it was a pattern of behavior that i wasn't *alone* in. for the longest time, i thought i was genuinely and completely alone in the fact that no one could really attest to what i went through except for one person who helped me through all of it alongside my own personal friendgroup separate from the rpc. turns out, i'm not, and that has been incredibly validating and actually has done a lot more for my confidence in the past 48 hours than i realized it could.

i hate the month of hell. i hate everything about it. i hate how it made me feel, how i couldnt do my internship without being constantly pressured to do something else for the sake of other people, how i was constantly made out to be someone who caused the problems and couldn't compromise or apologize when that really, really wasn't the whole truth. i've spent *years* in therapy just to affirm that i wasnt crazy and that it wasn't fair to treat me - a then 19 year old - as someone who couldn't make mistakes and was expected to just KNOW things and norms despite it being known that i *didnt* get things immediately. realizing i'm autistic has been a struggle that lasted *years* and if i'd known it then, it would have made me more receptive to how badly i was being treated instead of just sitting down and taking it and BLAMING myself for it. i hate that i was talked about to other people after the fact even though i explicitly kept my struggles out of talks with rpc friends.

i hate everything about what happened that year. and i hate that it ripped ed away from me for a good while and sent me into a horrible mental state that i took a really, REALLY long time to recover from - and even then, i'm still not 100%. i still have triggers that send me right back to that year. i still have things that remind me exactly of all the shit that happened. my health issues haven't gotten better since that month exacerbated them, but they haven't gotten worse - just a way of showcasing recovery, i guess.

2021, for better or for worse, broke me. it stole away my love for writing and my ability to do art for a while. i finally picked up the pieces and now they're melted back together, but there's nothing that'll change how badly it effected me and jeopardized one of my deepest mun-muse connections i'd ever had because i was accused of not being able to separate mun vs muse.

but i'm getting better. i'm being better. slowly but surely, i'm building my own personal safe space filled with people who will actually confront me for the things i do wrong *without* being afraid to even TALK to me. that wasn't easy, not by a longshot - but i'm happier like this. i'm thriving like this. because of the safe space i've built, i've been able to write *thousands* of words for fics for this very lore and all the things that came from it. i've been living my best life on my artblog, @aubodied , because i decided i was GOING to enjoy things without all of this bitterness being attached to it, because i'll probably *never* get accountability for what happened to me. i'm learning to live life without looking back on all of it.

it's been a wild ride. and now i don't feel like i have to isolate myself anymore now that i KNOW i'm not alone. so someday - i don't know if it will be soon or not, but SOMEDAY - i'll come back here. i'll start writing again with other people, actively. until then, i'm always open to be reached out to to talk or other things. i want to reconnect, and even though that'll be a long process, i WANT to restore the feeling of home i made for myself in this rpc.

so... hi. i'm evy. i also go by vee. i use he/they/she pronouns (strongly preferring he at the moment), and i'm proudly autistic and navigating the world with those lenses. i love videogames and i stream sometimes alongside doing personal art for my obsession with edling as a ship. i'd be happy to be your writing partner someday. i'd be happy just to make rpc friends again someday. 2021 was awful for me, but i've finally moved on without fear of being able to talk about this - now i want to thrive.

so thank you for listening to me, if you read this. i hope we can talk again soon. and remember - i'm always here if someone wants to reach out.

[echotunes]

what is DNACE $ it intrigues me….

ok well dnace $ is. titled that because I made the doc while having a bit of a Moment and was too excited to turn off capslock while typing the title so it ended up as DNACE $ rather than "dance 4" and this was just funny to me so I left it.

as for why 4: well I mentioned in the tags of the post that dancefic has been a running Thing for me so. well. allow me to go into detail. general context is that I, irl, do ballroom dance, and enjoy being normal about it. so naturally I spin characters in my brain about it as well

original dancefic wasn't even qsmp, it was jmart when I'd just started taking dance lessons and was still into TMA, but. well you can guess what happened (it never got finished)

dancefic 1: back in may of last year people on qsmp had been using "bailar" as a codeword for "talk to sofia" so they could talk about it in chat without alerting the feds. which produced these two posts on tumblr user bigboobyhalo's blog (x) (x) and also this art by pppuri. and that had me go HUH. DANCE. You Know What I Can Do. and I started writing about cellbit and bbh having to put on a tango performance. and it was kind of epic and I put SO much work into it. like I had planned out an entire choreography and everything it was a lot of fun. but also halfway through the actual writing art I ended up losing confidence because I felt like it wasn't really interesting to read and didn't know how to fix that. so I scrapped it however tbh! rereading it for this ask it is not bad! like I still see what I felt the issues were but it's kinda fun ngl. there's early spiderbit. jaiden is here. kind of a vibe

dancefic 2: this doc is literally nothing it just says "slow waltz... wedding dance......" but. well it is about spiderbit. you understand. the thought is there

dancefic 3: also literally just bullet points but it was jaiden and roier. alas. the platonic silliness potential of ballroom dance is so very underrated I think

dancefic 4: for this one I was having a Moment in codes's dms about fitpac ballroom dancing. because I think there are some beautiful things that you can do with the leader/follower dynamic and the fact that who does which is not related to who is the more experienced dancer. and. ok well the ask game says post snippets I will just copypaste what the doc says (which iirc I also just copypasted from what I'd said to codes at the time)

fit feeling horribly awkward and out of place as pac teaches him some simple steps... i can't decide which of them leading i like more... like pac leading fit is great because big buff guy being the follower is really good (i typically do leading steps and have led people bigger (as in taller & wider) and also less confident in their dance abilities than me and it's SO FUN it makes me feel very silly. in a good way. i am just rambling and projecting now. anyway) and also pac would be more likely to know how to dance so he'd be the more confident one and be able to teach fit the steps HOWEVER i also really like fit leading because like. again he wouldn't know what he's doing. and pac dancing the follower's steps but still kind of leading anyway because he's still the one instigating all the motions and like guiding fit into how to lead him around is REALLY GOOD whagwuahghs (i have also done this it's a lot of fun)

like. you understand. you understand. yes. but. well I have also not actually written any of this it is just a Concept In My Brain but. yeag

(and there is also a dancefic 5. it truly never ends. but i talked about that one in this ask!)

[WIP tag/ask game]

[hadrian-pendragons]

HELLOOO its the one who ask about your fics again lol (sorry if I'm bothering you )

Since it's Ukyo's birthday, please tell me what make you like Ukyo as a character ( why notice him in a vast amount of people in dr stone and when did you know that you like him) have a nice day (can we please have an estimate time when you'll post a new ff - if there isn't it's fine! Please take your time!! And I AM SOOOO HAPPY TO HEAR THAT you will consider writing a sequel to Ocean Tide! I can wait for a year or 2 tbh as long as you're still writing and okay in life)

(Don’t worry about it, I love getting asks!)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY FAVORITE CHARACTER EVER!!

As for why I came to like Ukyou so much—it’s kind of related to writing him. Me and a friend were co-writing something for fun, and he turned into a major character. I ended up in love with writing him and his perspective.

I got attached to him because (in my interpretation of him) he is a character that values peace above all else—to the point of refusing to engage in conflict and looking for every alternative possible, which is something that can end up a flaw (backed up by his actions in Tsukasa’s Empire and to an extent in the treasure island arc). While in Tsukasa’s Empire, he never really had his allegiance questioned—something I like to attribute to his ability to keep his emotions in check and hidden behind a mask (or a smile). In that arc, his moral code gets backed into a corner. He turns a blind eye to Tsukasa shattering statues and, knowing he was horribly outmatched if he were to act out, tried (and failed) to tell himself it wasn’t equal to murder.

That kind of leads up to one of my favorite scenes in the manga: Chapter 73 and 74, when Ukyou talks to Senkuu over the phone. I feel like that scene is where Ukyou knew that his only chance at doing the right thing and succeeding, rather than opposing Tsukasa on his own and recklessly, was to hope that Senkuu was someone good. (I tend to have this in their dynamic when I write them a lot, with Senkuu being Ukyou’s hope and lifeline and confidence that they could do anything (even saving the world). And with Ukyou being Senkuu’s reassurance and the calm to his chaos.)

I think I loved Ukyou when I realized he was a character that understood the world’s darkness and was afraid—not of the darkness, but of the harsh decision between self-preservation and honoring his own beliefs and morals. He’s surprisingly realistic as a character, who keeps hoping for the best even when he falters, but can tell the difference between realistic and unrealistic expectations. (Which, when Senkuu promised, delivered, and then kept going far past the bar and the standards Ukyou held while at the same time working hard to make his goals happen, makes Ukyou feel grateful to have met Senkuu at all. He doesn’t admit it, but I like to think Ukyou felt like Senkuu saved him. And maybe that’s how Ukyou starts to fall a little bit in love with him.)

That turned into an essay, but I’ve been thinking about them for way too long and they continue to surprise me. Ukyou especially is just a character I’m forever going to be attached to. I love the entire Dr. Stone cast, but I just eat up the crumbs from the manga and anime, haha

As for when I’ll have a new fic, I can’t really give an estimate on that. I’m definitely a planner, but I’ve also been unable to write a lot lately (I’m hoping to work out a better pace with writing and work, since I’m a little bit sporadic despite all the planning I do). I’ll definitely remember to post here when I have a new fic, though! I’m so glad you’ve enjoyed reading them <3 It makes my day.

I hope you have a wonderful time, whatever part of the day it is for you! It’s a good night for me, thank you for the ask!

[popcorn-plots]

vent post beneath the cut. today has been a roller coaster... one of the days that makes me wonder if I'm bipolar or something...

I'm feeling insecure about my capabilities and cognitive abilities. There's so much pressure on me in school, especially as an AP student, to just. get it. but I don't? i figured out why highschool english has been so hard for me -- it's because I'm struggling to grasp the concepts we've been talking about, but once someone explains it to me, I'm good. It's just interpreting everyone on my own is really difficult. Finding meaning is also really hard because we're analyzing texts like Frankenstein and King Lear and I'm coming from the writing aspect, where I made the curtains purple because that's a color I really like, but my English teachers want me to write an essay on what the yellow curtains in chapter 8 of a 200 year old novel represent and how they reflect the snobbish character's personality. I just don't get it!

and I know that if I tell my teachers, they'll probably help me, but it's super embarrassing and while it's a need I have, it feels like going to my AP teacher will out me as someone who doesn't truly belong in the AP class because I'm just stupid. It feels like I'm an impostor who isn't just getting it and barely passing the class by relying on others to explain it to a 5 year old so I can understand it. The worst thing is, it's not just English. It's almost every single class I'm in. Math, French, History, physics… and it's in other areas, like I can barely make a movie analysis because I don't see the bigger picture. It's only after I start researching the characters and movie reviews and biographies, then am I able to comprehend a deeper meaning.

It's horrible, and it does absolute wonders for me self-worth/confidence, and I have no idea how to just understand like everyone else in my class seems to be able to do on command.

[thecoolerliauditore]

hey why does third life Cleo need to be put in the shredder ?

genuine question by the way, I don't think I have seriously thought about third life Cledubs ever

girl help I forgot I made that post so I was just staring at that first sentence for way too long like. does she.

but uh yeah disclaimer or whatever that on this blog specifically I tend to speak more hyperbolic and don't care to fact check myself because like 99% of the time I just write words and leave. I haven't necessarily like. looked back at any of my own posts a day or so later and gone "wow okay that's just incorrect" but I do acknowledge that like. I'm really letting the interpretation/headcanon lines blur over here at times and sometimes I'll just say shit. so yeah blah blah blah none of this is gospel everything with a grain of salt etc etc

anyway cleo in the life series in general drives me a bit insane because like 85% of the time they are really cool and awesome and funny and my favourite guy but then there's the 15% of time she shares onscreen in an extended conversation with scott smahor and she suddenly becomes like. genuinely the worst person alive to me I want her prosecuted jailed death penalty'd.

In third life specifically she makes an alliance with scott behind bdubs' back called the "widows alliance" which was based on a promised partnership after their respective partners (bdubs and jimmy) died before they did. Which is like. One of the things I am mad forever about people suddenly deciding everything is Silly when it comes to the guys doing horrible shit because what the fuck, man.

I guess there is an argument to be made for the level of seriousness on Cleo's side because unlike Scott we don't get any indication that she like. genuinely expects to outlive bdubs. And she could very much just be saying words for the sake of it or have yet to completely grasp the concept of "permadeath" (like many others) but I'm still mad. Very happy she ate shit and died right after Jimmy. I'm sorry women.

I would have to rewatch 3L from cleo's POV to say this with confidence but I would also like to add that from what I recall she was also somewhat? dismissive of bdubs the whole time even though a lot of the heavy lifting in their partnership was done by him. BUT in cleo's defense she was distrusting of essentially everyone in 3L and kept everybody at arm's length ++ I'm willing to attribute this more reflective of Cleo's running theme of being insecure in her own abilities than any sign that she thinks lesser of Bdubs specifically.

Post-3L Cleo is epic and awesome in Last Life as byproduct of the fairy fort being epic and awesome and even when she eventually joins GGG it's fine because LL!Scott is the only instance of Scott feeling human emotions in this series but ohhh my god DL Cleo is a whole beast of her own I could write essays upon essays on how DL Cleo is the worst guy ever this mf sets a little puppy dog on FIRE and no one ever mentions it I'm angry forever about it.

Everything limited life onwards is fine she chills out super hard about the not trusting people thing and limlife cleo specifically is really really funny even if she would still stab bigb to death with a kitchen fork if given the opportunity. Her relationship with Bdubs is pretty much un-weirded in my head I don't think they were like. Awful in 3L even I just think that Cleo has issues with relationships in general and self-sabotages alot due to her own insecurities and so she ends up doing alot of fucked up insane person things despite not really being. Bad herself if that makes sense?

Very very shy little endnote it's also like. Interesting to me that Cleo and only Cleo refers to the 3L Cledubs partnership as like. Romantic in any sense. Cleo uses terms like "husband" very generously so I'm willing to give them the benefit of the doubt here and say it means fuck all but idk idk something about the way Bdubs never reciprocates and instead assigns himself her son the next time they end up together is really funny to me.

Anyway yeah whatever. the shredder.

[sepyana]

Jjba Diamond is Unbreakable Ep. 8-16 Thoughts

Ep. 8-9

Yukako has so many issues god bless

I've taken a liking to her design. Her color scheme goes together well, her hair has a lot of character and I do like the rose emblem on her outfit.

Her stand, Love Deluxe, plays the prehensile hair trope straight, other than her ability to control her hair even when it is not attached to her scalp. I like the name but I find this type of stand boring to be honest.

I'm not really interested in Yukako as a character, unless she gets something more later on. The funniest thing they can do is pair her and Koichi together. "Me and my girl don't argue, she tells me to shup up and I do" and such.

Josuke and Okuyasu were nice this episode. We learn that Crazy Diamond can't bring back anything The Hand deletes. Just goes to show how opposite their powers are.

Koichi is not really my cup of tea. I appreciate him being part of the group but solo episodes with him don't really interest me. Plus his voice is incredibly grating in both sub and dub. It's interesting that he set up that rock so that Yukako wouldn't die, you gotta be really confident that you'll win if you are worrying about the safety of your opponent.

Hey, Koichi with the new hair kinda looks like... No I shan't say it.

Let's talk about Echoes. My boy. My lil man. Look at his lil smile :) My favourite stand from part 4 so far. It seems to emote on its own sometimes, like Star Platinum who smiles every time it gets a chance to beat someone up. I like it when stands emote on their own. The fanworks do this a lot but jjba itself rarely does it. Which is a shame.

Ep. 10

This is just 20 minutes of Okuyasu having nice things happen to him and I think that's just great. If I had so say my one gripe (and be a killjoy), it would be that it doesn't tell us much about Okuyasu and Josuke that we don't already know. The best thing about filler is that it gives us characterization and I don't think this episode has enough of that.

Okuyasu and Josuke fighting reminded me of the Death 13 episode except Polnareff was infinitely more stubborn

Also this is a great time to just give the VAs the biggest shout out cuz wow I love them. Especially Okuyasu I love the way he says Josuke. It brings me joy. They are perfect fits for the characters they are playing. I can hear Tonio's accent but I know fuck all about Japanese so It might be horrible, not my problem tho.

Ep 11 - 12

I think Tomoko is one of my favourite female Jojo characters so far. The bar is on the ground, but, you know. Take what you can get.

I don't get why they added that scene with Josuke at the start. It doesn't really add anything.

I think the funniest thing in episode 11 is Koichi and Okuyasu just going through it and the Jojos not giving a shit. I hate the Joestars so much it's unreal. It did struck me as a bit weird. It's not at all weird for Jotaro (Have you seen the stardust crusaders? They told Polnareff they lied about Avdol's death to him and then they had the audacity to go "I didn't think you'd be this hurt"), It does feel a bit off for Josuke though.

Jotaro smiling as he says Jospeh could die is amazing. Of course he would.

I didn't think about what Red Hor Chili Pepper's stand user would look like but I am definitely not dissapointed in Akira. Personality wise he is insanely boring but I do like his design.

Okuyasu looking at his own hand as he thanks Koichi was a nice touch.

I like how they handled Joseph. Obviously Josuke is not gonna be amazed to see him but It wouldn't go with his personality if he was antagonistic either.

Ep 13

I don't like how different the japanese VA of Joseph sounds when he is yelling. English VA doesn't have this issue but it's also was the weakest of the sdc cast imo. No winning with this one.

Ep 14 - 15

The first episode is just set up. It does that job pretty well though. Really makes Rohan seem insane. I mean, he *is*.

Rohan relating everything to art and writing isn't even that off from how most artists think tbh. Writers will see a documentary about the most disturbing shit they have ever seen and they will go "That will make my writing about this part more accurate".

And Rohan'a advice is actually pretty good. Like, draw with references. Draw from reality. Base your characters on people who you know, instead of like, just taking from your favourite artisans. Anyways,

Rohan's stand is called the Heaven's Door. Firstly, It's a really cute stand. Secondly, this thing is busted. It'd be one thing if looking at a draft was the only way for it to work but touching you with his stand also works. And he can knock someone unconcious when unfurling them. Add on that the insane speed he has for no reason and honestly we should just be glad this guy isn't a villain. He is just weird and offputting.

I fucking love episode 15. The pay off is amazing. I love that Okuyasu and Josuke notice something small like a cut on his hand and immediately help him. I love that Rohan opens Josuke's eyes by insulting his hair. And then he just. keeps. going.

Josuke being literary so blinded by rage that he doesn't see the draft? Amazing. He absolutely destroyed that place. And threw a fucking chair at Okuyasu and Koichi. This show is pretty funny when it wants to be.

The story of his hair was really sweet. The guy helping them seems to be a student like the current day Josuke too.

Ep 16

The art style for this episode looks different from normal and I have no idea why. The style is ussually pretty consistent. You can see the gums in their teeth it's strange.

Jotaro gets a slight outfit change. I like the colors and the tilted belts. I'm not sure on the new jacket. I liked that they used the collar of his shirt to give the same vibe as his part 3 outfit insead of just giving him a jacket exactly like his old one. His new jacket is a bit dissapointing. I like dolphins. I'm not sure what they were trying to do with the triangle and the sun. Overall, I like the older one just a bit more. I would love it if he kept changing outfits like this tho.

It's something that Jotaro can't seem to seperate Star Platinum's time stop ability from Dio. Like, that's Star Platinum's power.

As funny as seeing Jotaro get his ass beat by a Twitch looking ass rat is, It's also shows what I like about stands. I know Jotaro is holding back here, but that doesn't change the fact that this is a bad machup for him. So you don't need to nerf him in ordert to create conflict. Stands are good against combatting power creep, is what I'm saying.

Love Crazy Diamond popping up out of nowhere just to look sad. Don't look at me with them big ol' eyes.

Ep. 17

I think one thing part 4 is good at is the character dynamics. Rohan and Koichi was fun to watch. Rohan grinning at Koichi getting flustered was great. Reimi being really friendly with Rohan cuz she knew him when he was a kid is a nice bit of writing.

I made a joke post about where Kak went after death, a few people mentioned how ghosts were real and he could be like Reimi. Now I know what they are talking about.

Reimi has a nice design. Especially the choker with the hands holding on it. Speaking of hands

I know I shouldn't be laughing at the guy whose only trait so far is that he kills young girls to date their hands to satisfy his stupid fetish or something but

what even is that music. Why did they make it like that.

To close this off, I am currently on vacation with little internet access. It's a rural area so there isn't much to do. I've been spending my time writing these, slowly. Gonna take a hot minute to finish this part.

I've been also wondering if I should watch Stone Ocean before Golden Wind and get the Jotaro story over with. I'll decide that later, I dunno.