#there was nothing to do so obviously my child self wasn't interested at all in anything but the orange

[anastacialy]

actually, fuck it, i AM writing the essay, even if no one will read it.

my thoughts on penelope, how she sees herself, and why the carriage scene's ending is the most important thing in the whole wide world under the cut. and bridgerton season three part one spoilers, obviously.

penelope featherington hates herself. bit of a strong start here but, there we go. that's what you get when i'm going feral about her again at three in the morning. (it was eleven a.m. when i finished writing this post. i rewatched all four episodes of season three...)

i'll start from the beginning — she isn't a confident person. i think that's what a lot of penelope hate really comes down to, not relating to her in that way at all. not understanding what being treated the way she has can do to you. so let's start here:

imagine for a moment, no one fucking listens to you.

this includes her favorite people in the world. her family, for one thing, that's obvious, but her best friend, too. many times we hear eloise discover and re-discover what penelope's interests are in the series because, as she says, "i didn't really hear it." she was so frequently not really listening to her. they've been friends for years, but huge aspects of her friend's personality were completely unknown to her. this isn't anti-eloise by the way, i love her too, but we're adults who can admit our favs are all flawed people. the show wouldn't be nearly as fun if they weren't. eloise continues to belittle others for their interests when they don't match up to hers (like that poor girl who was just really passionate about embroidery) and she's done so to pen, however unknowingly, for ages.

penelope tried to beg marina to not fool colin into marriage. she had so, so many other suitors, so many other choices she could have made. all pen wanted was to not have her other best friend slash crush make that life altering of a mistake. but for this, she was called a child. immature. talked down to as if she knows nothing about the world. (she had been mostly right, by the way, in her insisting that george must still love marina, would still want to marry her, discovering that the letter had been forged. if he'd not died on the battlefield, penelope would have been the one to secure a happy ending for marina.) when she wasn't listened to then, she got more desperate, telling colin that marina was in love with someone else to deter him from the marriage while still careful to not ruin marina's reputation and expose her pregnancy in the process. she tried. but no one would listen.

so only when the situation became dire, she did the only thing that she could, and took matters into her own hands.

which brings us to lady whistledown.

it's interesting, really, that she chose that name. to specify lady so she might be taken seriously, yet not hide under a pseudonym completely removed from herself (i.e. using a masculine pen name or implying she's not a part of the ton at all) it's clear that lady whistledown is, for the most part, what penelope wants to and yet fails to be: someone who commands attention, who people admire and trust for an opinion, someone who gets listened to.

by the time we find her in season three, she's fresh off hearing her crush saying he'd never, ever court her, and her best friend finding out that she was lady whistledown all along and had exposed a secret of hers — only after penelope had, of course, also begged eloise to stop seeing theo, to stop raising the queen's suspicions, and was once again ignored. her only friendships have been destroyed, and she has resigned herself to a loveless marriage of convenience because she can't stand to be ignored, controlled, and belittled by her family any longer. she's ready to take the devil she doesn't know over the devil she does.

so, when i say her self confidence is on the floor, i mean it.

yes, a sliver of hope remains in her, and we can see that in her decisions (wearing parisian fashions, for instance) but her plan remains, she is simply going to marry someone, anyone, because she has to.

but even still, her confidence has not taken it's last hit.

let's imagine some more: no matter what you do, people are going to laugh at you.

penelope finally, finally gets her big moment. people stare at her as she enters the room. she still immediately hides herself in a corner because that's who she's always been, but still. she has a moment. not quite what she'd imagined, i'm sure, as she bought all new gowns, but attention and awe nonetheless. but it cracks almost instantly when her social awkwardness comes out, failing to get anyone to ask her to dance, and shatters completely when cressida destroys her dress before she can ever take to the floor.

colin tells her she looks nice, and her immediate reaction is "do not mock me, please."

it's only after this that she confronts colin about what he said, only after this that she speaks ill of him as lady whisteldown — not saying any more than what his sister had already pointed out earlier in the episode, mind you, that his change in personality seemed disingenuous — only after she has been publicly humiliated that she lashes out in her anger.

and, this anger, she also immediately regrets after colin has proven himself to be kind. it's a bit like making a snide comment online without the ability to delete it after.

but when penelope has hope, she is kind. she writes of the promising ladies of the ton and wishes them well with their matches, when she has hope she speaks positively of would-be spinsters and their successful marriages. many of her earlier musings in previous seasons were to call the women of the ton beautiful, to speak to their skills.

but hope for penelope does not last long. she manages to successfully speak to one suitor at the next ball (which, though this is another argument entirely, is backed by a string quartet version of "jealous" as colin re-approaches her at the drinks table — any arguments that his feelings start at their kiss isn't paying near enough attention) but the entirely true rumor about her having help from him spreads through the vine and penelope is hopeless once more.

and a hopeless penelope is a cruel penelope, as we've seen, and this time, she turns that cruelty inward, publicly. while she later says it would have been suspicious if lady whistledown hadn't commented, in truth, she has proven time and time again that her emotions rule lady whistledown's writings. in that moment, eyes tearful, she was embarrassed and ashamed of herself, she decided to say so. she repeats the same sentiment to colin when he comes to visit her:

"in truth i brought this on myself. a sad, stupid girl who believed she might actually have a chance at love."

and here is where lady whistledown continues to be someone penelope sees as different to herself, because penelope doesn't see herself as a lady. not just for lack of title — she does not see herself as worthy of or requiring protection. to call back to antony's season one romance: "every woman is not afforded such gallant protection." "every woman is not a lady."

she says nothing of him bribing her maid to give them time alone. like most of the ton she doesn't think the time they spend alone together could be anything other than platonic, at least on his end. they spent extended time unchaperoned at the bridgerton house and not once did she speak on impropriety. he'd been alone with her in the previous season and even when they were caught no one had a thing to say about it. no one questions it because penelope is not recognized as desirable, not seen as needing this protection, not seen as a lady. she is seen, even by herself, as a spinster already.

when she asks colin for a kiss, she reassures him that she would ask nothing of him for it, she would not entrap him in a marriage citing impropriety, she doesn't even think about whether someone might see. she does not care in this moment if she is to be "ruined," she only wants to feel some illusion of intimacy, some imitation of being wanted. even her running back inside immediately after, and the subsequent conversation under the willow tree, are further proof that she doesn't believe he could have kissed her for any reason other than pity.

and, even after all she goes through with lord debling, she is still not the only object of his affections. the entire time she pursues him, cressida is there, hot on the trail, ready to sweep him away on a moment's notice. penelope writes of their dance that his choice of her is surprising. though her feelings for colin have not simply fluttered away once debling's shown interest, her possible engagement to debling is on a wavering tightrope. not once in this can she feel wholly at ease with lord debling, only afforded a bit of security once he asks her mother for her blessing. and amongst this, her mother still belittles her, saying she should not become greedy for wanting to marry someone who actually cares for her.

she asks lord debling if he might ever love her, in all the years of marriage they may have ahead, and he says probably not.

and when colin breaks up her proposal, insisting debling isn't right for her, still penelope does not even consider, can not even conceptualize that it might be done out of jealousy. colin having feelings for her is laughable, she says as much, and it is the same thing she has been told over and over since the start. he chases after her carriage out of breath asks to be let in, gets on his knees and tells her he can't stop dreaming of her and she tells him "please. do not say things you do not mean." she cannot imagine that any of this is real. it is confusion that prompts her to repeat the agreement they had in episode one, "but, colin, we are friends."

and while an entirely separate essay could be written about the rest of the carriage scene, it is what happens the moment the carriage arrives at bridgerton house that stands out to me. they have this moment, colin asks "could the carriage driver not keep on driving?" and they both laugh, the way they always do with one another, and he fixes her dress (carefully, avoiding using a select few fingers as he does so) and they kiss again, and he gets out of the carriage.

and for a single, heartbreaking second, penelope's face falls, and she calls after him: "colin?"

it is so clear in her demeanor that she thought that was it; that's all she gets. the fantasy is over and it is back to reality. for a split second, she believes he is no longer hers.

for a single second, it's as though she thinks he is going to shut the carriage door on her, and walk away.

but he turns around, hand outstretched, asking if she'd like to come in. and she's once again confused, "what?"

do not say things you do not mean. do not mock me please.

and when he says: "for god's sake, penelope featherington, are you going to marry me or not?"

she looks so relived she could cry.

[defiant-firefly]

(I've had my chatty medicines so you get a post about this)

There is something distinctly and uniquely alienating and bizarre about hearing people say 'Easter Sunday is the most religious day of the year'. Like, when was this?? If it's so religious and so so so important, how come no one thought to tell me it was religious until like four or five years ago?

Yeah it's kinda funny but I'm also sat there every time like "what the fuck are you talking about". The assumption I was raised Christian and am Christian via culture is really funny though cause like. Bro I have no fucking clue what any of this stuff is about.

My parents never taught me the majority of this shit. Anyone else assumed I already knew about it. This Easter talk I've been hearing about a weird amount more than normal is all new to me and making me think of all this shit lmao

[belowzion]

Below Zion: Rethinking Valentino

Hello everyone! Today I wanted to show you how we've been rewriting Valentino. As stated in my previous blogs, the characters are given different feels to make them as distinct from their show counterparts as possible so that eventually this can be its own thing. While still inhabiting the pimp lord aspects, Valentinos way of thinking, motivations and even what he does in his past-time should change how this character works and why I grew a fascination in writing about his character recently. Make no mistake, he is a villain and funnily enough, a stark contrast to Charlies ideas.

"Oh, the sex work is great! Tino is garbage. See, I haven't left the industry. I just ran from that self-rightous prick…" - Hip-Lash, one of Angels best friends, left the 'industry'. Hasn't seen Angel for 30 years. To understand where Valentino comes from and why he is the kind of person he is, some context is needed. In Below Zion, sinners are completely incapable of making pacts with other people. Their power instead depends on how sinful they were in life. If you sinned too much, you get thrown into Penance Machines, where you are excessively tortured and bleed out all that sinful energy for runes! Runes pass off as currency in Hell. But if you were not a cannibal serial child killer, you get to enjoy some amazing powers! Or if you got bailed out of these machines through some higher power. While nothing too crazy like what Alastor might be capable of, these sinners are still very powerful with the Wrath they possess. Valentino is no exception. His hazbin is an interesting case of a person hiding the true degeneracy that they possess deep within them. See, Valentino, known before as Mikhail "Milo" Tarentino, was a yoga teacher, originating from India! The guy, not really enjoying his position in India due to the fact that yoga was already quite popular there, decided to move to Italy where yoga wasn't as prevalent! Tarentino was a social butterfly, able to get many contacts and many students into his class! However, his true debauchery also began here. He would often have sexual intercourse with his own students, coercing them, grooming them and eventually fucking them! It does not help the matters that most of these women were married.

"Oh goodness, I did not expect to have a new neighbour! Welcome! I actually remember you, you know? You agreed to collect dirty things for Butcher Pete." Sledge nods. "So I did." "Gross job. Glad they had rubber gloves my size." He says, raising a paw, and wiggling his pudgy fingers… It reminds Alastor a little of one of those asian lucky-cats… cute. "Why ya callin' him 'Butcher Pete'?"

"Oh! No reason! There is just a very catchy song that I wish I NEVER paid any attention to the lyrics of!"

He says as he spins his microphone!

"Would you like to give it a listen? It reminds me of the kind of sinners that I find often here in Lust…" "Sure."

From Als staff - a combination of magical and technological - comes out a very upbeat tune! "Hey everybody, did the news get around? About a guy named Butcher Pete! Oh, Pete just flew into this town, And he's choppin' up all the women's meat!

He's hackin' and wackin' and smackin'! He's hackin' and wackin' and smackin'! He's hackin' and wackin' and smackin'! He just hacks, wacks, choppin' that meat!"

And also... this.

"Yeah, I see your point there, Al... but I got a question for ya~" He says with a sinister grin~

"Very well, i shall bite! Shoot!" "Say, have you ever had a pump and dump at a family reunion~?"

"[Oh no...]" The T.V Demon grows... concerned for what is about to be retold.

Velvette begins to giggle maniacally!

"I know Some of those words! Likely Not in the context You Want them to be in, though!"

"Then you do know the context I am referring to~ Don't worry Al, I am not talking about ones own family reunion, obviously, but somebody else's."

"You Are talking about FILTH then. No Val, i have done Nothing of the likes!"

"Oh come on, never had the fun? I had this one where I was invited to one of my students', I was a yoga teacher back in the day, you see? Anyhow, I eventually found myself banging different women. See, because they are all related, they had like, slightly different mommy boxes, but I was test driving 'em, right? Seeing how evolution has shaped each one a little differently so that you can find one that's just right?"

[No, Val stop, Al is already-]

"I call this goldilocksing~"

"And this relates to hunting... hoooow...?" Velvette seems perplexed...

Val thinks for a moment...

"I forgot what I was getting at, my bad~" He says as he takes a puff from his cigarette.

Al... looks grossed out. He thinks about this... And shivers in mild disgust again, a few moments after the first time.

As you can see here, Valentino kept his "trade" a secret in his human life, but he was also very good with it. Being able to get around fucking the entire female half of a family. Living in Italy though, he envied the mafia families that always seemed to be able to get what they wanted. More so because one day, one of those families caught Tino and his disgusting tendencies and... lets just say that he was never found on Earth again.

This eventually landed him in Hell. While he did sin quite excessively, it did not compare to the likes of Velvette, Alastor, Eve, Angel Dust or Agatha. However, he did gain one very prominent power from this... The red mist. The mist he puffs out whenever he smokes, the stench that leaves his body, the morphine that binds people to him like soul contracts!

Its an addictive substanance. Some people even describe it as off-puttingly as possible by saying that its his "musk". Valentino, while possessing not a terrifying amount of strength compred to some other powerful sinners out there, he possesses an ability that can dominate each one of them without trouble.

One such case being Angel Dust.

See, Angel, being the son of a ruthless mafia boss, when arrived in Hell, he wanted to become famous and wealthy immidietly! Get rich quick without much work! Well, with work he loves to do~

This is where Valentino steps into his life, offering him such opportunities while... making sure Angel inhales his mist as much as possible. Keep him addicted, don't let him get away~

Valentino is especially abusive towards Angel both sexually and physically. However, this stems not from his actual love for Angel Dust, but his hate.

Valentino, ever since he arrived in Hell, has gained a sick fascination towards punishing the sinners that think they are hot shit.

"He has a… self-rightous attitude lets say. If he thinks you had it too good and don't appriciate the stuff you have… he'll get ideas~" -Velvette

Valentino is the essence of Hell. He punishes the winners of hazbin, not the losers. Seeing Angel Dust, being this mafiaso that loved and CRAVED sex in every opportunity and got what he wanted without ever thinking about the implications, gives Valentino this certain feeling of moral superiority. He feels like a punisher, a true demon of Hell that is there to become Angels worst nightmare for all the horrible things he has done in his life.

It gets better due to the fact that Valentino knows he is weaker than Angel, yet due to his addictions, he wins over him. Its not some pact that binds Angel, its his own Lust... and Sloth. His desire for easy success and wealth led him to this disgusting mess.

When Charlie rolls around with the idea of redemption, of course he hates it. To him, punishment is well deserved and bad boys like Angel need to be made an example of.

This also presents the reader with an interesting question. Does Angel deserve what Val does to him considering that he was CERTAINLY not a good person in his own hazbin? Or does he deserve redemption? This is literally Charlies ideology, being asked to the viewer. Should the sinner be punished or redeemed? Angel was a despicable human being that murdered, tortured, raped and was bound to many external substances. Does he deserve punishment in the hands of Valentino? Or does he deserve redemption in the hands of Charlie?

Valentino is also not just doing this to Angel. This goes for ANYONE he thinks they had it too good for too long...

Welp, that was all! Valentino is an asshole pervert fueled by hatred!

Please do write feedback, I'd love to hear your ideas if you think of any!

[atopvisenyashill]

what do u think of ned and sansa’s relationship?

sorry this took so long, i wasn't sure how to lay it out because i didn't just want to word vomit all over lol.

i think it's a great depiction of grief and trauma "dripping through" so to speak (to steal a succession line) from a parent to their child. ned and sansa are similar in many ways (in fact, I'd argue that Sansa is the most like Ned) and you can see clearly that Sansa gets her outlook on life and society more so from her father than her mother. While Cat is much less trusting, much more forceful, and incredibly emotional, Ned has a much more romanticized idea of the world. He makes many of the same mistakes that Sansa does, as a matter of fact -

they both trust Littlefinger despite the warning signs because they both feel they have no other option and no allies to rely on, so this shady guy obsessed with Cat is the least noxious option (in their eyes)

they both have this idealistic image of a Baratheon that is tied more to reputations and romanticism than in that particular man's personality - Ned should realize that he can't rely on Robert literally the moment Robert refuses to step in to protect Lady but keeps deluding himself because Robert the Hero, Robert the King, Robert the Foster Brother, is this larger than life image he has in his mind. Meanwhile, Joffrey is...Joffrey and Sansa overlooks and romanticizes this because The Chivalrous Prince is this idea that is all powerful in her head.

they both think around a subject rather than face it head on. I detailed an example of this here but there's literally dozens of examples in both of their narratives. it's this commonality that I find particularly interesting; it's not just that they're very indirect people but that when faced with trauma, both of them double down on avoiding their trauma to cope with it.

in particular, they both do this wrt a younger sister which is even more fascinating in my opinion - so easy to have Ned think more often around Brandon but instead it's Lyanna he Does Not Obsess Over, and it's Lyanna he compares Sansa to (even though they likely look nothing alike). Later, it would be easy to have Sansa think more about her brothers but again, it's Arya she Does Not Obsess Over, and we know Arya likely resembles Lyanna to a point. Just something really fascinating there, that the relationship they are most troubled by is one with a little sister.

and in that vein, both of them will romanticize their own trauma to cope with it. we see this obviously with sansa and the Unkiss but I think it's present in his thoughts of the Tower of Joy as well. his fever dream in eddard x is steeped in fantasy imagery, with his companions as faceless wraiths, a "storm of rose petals" streaking across the red sky. he does this with rhaegar as well in my opinion - when he does think of rhaegar the man (and not just of his children) he has this image of Rhaegar as a chivalrous sort of man who no one can really measure up to and yet he never explicitly thinks anything positive about Rhaegar. once again, sort of romanticizing his idea of someone, like Sansa does with Sandor.

both of them are incredibly self conscious about how they're perceived - Ned thinks about his father and brother as being "born" to rule, is very aware that people see him as kind of an idiot, and Sansa is equally worried that people will see her as "silly" or simple. It seems very tied to their roles as the "girlson" - Sansa as the eldest daughter who must make an illustrious match and live up to that expectation of her and Ned as the second son stepping in to fill a role he feels unprepared to take.

despite some paternalism about the poor (Ned sitting a man with him every night while also kind of purposefully distancing himself to be The Benevolent Father of Winterfell and Sansa's out of pocket but realistic comments about Jeyne and Mya's marriage prospects), they clearly care about the common or low born people they live with - I think Sansa's grief (and purposeful Thinking Around) over Jeyne Poole going missing and her insistence that Jeyne's father is safe speaks to her affection for the Pooles just as Ned's fixation on Jory Cassel being murdered by Jaime also speaks to his affection for the Cassels. And just from an audience PoV, I think it really underlines Ned and Sansa's horror over the situation that Ned is traumatized by Jory's death at the hands of the Lannisters, and Sansa thinks over a year later about "poor Jeyne Poole" and her disappearance (due to the Lannisters, though she's ultimately sold by LF)

And then there's the emotional distance between them, that I think is really compounded by his trauma over Lyanna and Sansa's age -

Ned ultimately learns the wrong lesson from Lyanna's death. He doesn't learn "women shouldn't be given so few options and should be allowed control over their lives" he learns "if i protect the women i love from the evils of this world and give them freedom when they're young, they'll be happier" and that's just. Oh Ned.

But that "lesson" is really obvious in how he treats Sansa - he keeps her in the dark while putting her in a dangerous situation, because he doesn't want her to be involved in the same politics that killed Lyanna even as he's actively involving her in those politics. His first thoughts about Sansa in the book are that she's too young to be engaged to Joffrey! He does not want to let her go out into the big bad world and he thinks simply keeping the bad stuff from her mind is how he'll save her.

The Lady situation I think is what really damages their relationship; he links Sansa and Lyanna in his mind so closely during this scene that I think it stops him from being able to emotionally connect with her anymore. It's so tragic - to see Lyanna's sorrow reflected in Sansa, to feel that loss so deeply that it stops him from being able to comfort Sansa the way he comforted Lyanna as she died.

all of this really bites him in the ass because Sansa looks at his silence and sees treachery while Ned looks at her silence and sees obedience. And the moment when both of them are finally ready to act and not just dream is when their stories clash horrifically.

Narratively, I think they're set up to have some parallels - Ned as the second son (and what is a second son than a girlson, really) who was never supposed to inherit who does after a violent tragedy, and Sansa as the second born who was also never supposed to inherit who will after a violent tragedy.

And Ned's story is book ended by Ned choosing his love of a young female relative over his honor - he actually compares Sansa to Lyanna first in his narrative:

He could still hear Sansa pleading, as Lyanna had pleaded once.

and it's Sansa who he once again chooses over his word, over his honor. when he looks at Sansa (and Arya) all he sees is his grief. It leads all three of them to their doom, but Ned's death is something he would choose over and over because in the end, with all his faults, Ned did learn one good lesson from Lyanna and it's that a living, breathing woman will always be more important than some words spoken before a king. what is honor compared to the feel of your daughter in your arms, the memory of your sister's smile?

[blazinghotfoggynights]

I need someone who sees Eddie's issues as lingering love for Shannon to work with me.

Eddie's behavior is being blamed on never dealing with Shannon's death or still being in love with Shannon by a lot of fandom.

But I don't understand why it is being interpreted that way. I will explain my side and I encourage others who see it as I mentioned above to share their reasoning, insight, and viewpoints, so maybe I can get it.

While Eddie insists he and Shannon were in love, everything in canon supports them being in puppy love, in lust, or even FWB, but not a full, adult, stable romantic love. I dare say it was one-sided lust and one-sided convenience.

Eddie chose possible death over being with Shannon and Christopher. He ran from them into a war zone. That is not what a loving husband and father does. If he had gone into the military strictly for financial reasons, that would be a different situation. But that wasn't his motivating factor. He was running.

When Eddie returned, injured and mentally scarred, Shannon walked out. People can try to defend her, but no good parent would sneak off in the middle of the night leaving their child behind because "I need time too". What kind of excuse is that?

It felt like the real victim in all that was Christopher. Neither Eddie nor Shannon seemed committed to him. He was (after 7x7 some could say is) the child of two immature, self-centered people.

Let me get back on topic.

When Shannon came back, all they had was sex, which is what I suspect their "love" was really based on the whole time. Shannon eased right back into their lives, only to decide she wasn't interested in Eddie or Christopher and she wanted a divorce.

These are reasons why I don't believe Eddie is acting out or losing his mind because he hasn't gotten over his wife's death. Imho, those two were dysfunctional and lying; they were never in love.

Shannon loved having the hot guy on her arm.

Eddie needed a girl. Why? I believe Eddie is repressing his sexuality. If you look at how he has portrayed Eddie this season, there have been at least three instances where I caught myself thinking, "Hey a-hole, it is totally not cool to act out effeminate gay male stereotypes!" only to realize he wasn't doing that!

I believe Edmundo Diaz is deeply closeted due to his heritage, religion, family, then friends, and home area. I think he clutches at the memories of his dead wife because she was the physical proof he is heterosexual. He had sex with Shannon. He got Shannon pregnant. He had a child with Shannon. Obviously he is not gay.

This isn't about love. This is about being the QB of Team Delulu. If he can recreate what he had with Shannon, he can be straight again. Eddie has never said he wants a partner or a wife. He wants a mother for Christopher. That is his excuse every time.

Eddie picks up with any woman who can't see what is right in front of them and will work with him to build shaky, passionless relationships. He admitted Shannon chased him. Ana couldn't have thrown herself at him harder. Marisol is trying so hard to make something out of nothing.

He isn't into any woman. Ever. Demisexual my azz. That man can't make a relationship with a woman last because you can only lie to yourself, that woman, and the world for so long before you get tired and either slip or give up.

If you look at the past six seasons from the angle of Eddie being closeted, don't things make a bit more sense?

Edited to add clarification: I know you can be demi and any label on the sexuality spectrum. One day, when I am feeling way more comfortable in my skin, I will share more about that.

What I meant, and obviously communicated poorly, is I don't think Edmundo is genuinely demi. I think he uses being a "nester" and implying he needs a real connection with a woman to even consider dealing with her as cover for why he doesn't have relationships with women and why he doesn't want them. Eddie Diaz, imo, is written as a closeted gay male in denial using other labels to convince himself he is anything except gay. I believe he is allosexual; however, he doesn't have any genuine, organic attraction to women and he sure as hell is not ready to admit he is attracted to men.

Christopher, no time, needing a deep emotional bond, not clicking with anyone, still in love with his ex-wife, and all the other reasons are merely lies so he can continue to deceive others and, more sadly, himself.

[twst-hanaya]

TWST Book 7 Chapter 5 Thoughts:

Spoilers under the cut, also I'm basically typing this out as I play so it's like a liveblog sort of.

Malenora is That Bitch

Sorry, ahem. Malenora is a QUEEN (technically a Princess but my point stands)

Absolutely loving her design aaaaahhhh! The horns! The headpiece! The DRIP!

Sorry, I'll try to stop simping.

You can see such an intense resemblance between Malenora and Malleus obviously in appearance but also personality.

They both breathe confidence and self assurance because they're so powerful, both are fairly temperamental, though Malenora seems to be more brash and lashes out with tantrums while Malleus - perhaps due to his father - tends to sulk more than he does explode with anger, though the lightning and bad weather happens with both of them.

Moving on, her relationship with Lilia is interesting. You definitely get the sense that he may have harbored romantic feelings for her when they were younger but at this point truly loves her as something even beyond that, and different.

I swear I nearly started crying in public when they were squabbling over Lilia taking the Egg and leaving Malenora to fight the Knight of Dawn and Lilia was like I can't love this baby for you, I've never loved anybody, I still need you, this baby needs you.

And Malenora fucking hits him with You love me. You love Levan - there simply isn't any way for you not to love our child when you love us so much.

Oh shit I'm crying just typing that.

Anyway

And you know it really hit me in that moment that Lilia's earlier comments about not liking weak things like children - it isn't true, not even then. To love something powerless and weak and fragile means risking your own heart. Just as easily as they could lose their life, you could break your own heart. Lilia has always been afraid.

And when he lost Malenora - someone who he loved, who was the strongest person he knew - died anyway, and left her Love in and Egg, he had to accept that being hurt wasn't something anyone could live without risking.

Moving on, the Knight of Dawn is still a mystery to me, but he doesn't actually seem evil. Apparently he's an orphan who owes a life debt to the previous King, and is in a relationship with the princess Reia. And of course he helped the entourage escape with the Egg - an act I think ultimately saved Silver's life and Lilia's own humanity, among the other obvious things.

Henrik also needs to fucking die what a goddamn bastard KILL HIM MALENORA (I know she doesn't make it but I think she should still get to kill this dude AT LEAST)

Silver losing his shit is kind of understandable after all this, I get it. It hurts me to see him blame himself for literally just being born though he did nothing wrong he was an ACTUAL BABY PLEASE THINK RATIONALLY. Literally if anyone else were out in that situation you know this doofus would be like yeah literally none of this was your fault of course you deserve to live and be happy. But shits not that easy I get it.

Also I actually laughed a little during that scene where Lilia finds baby Silver and he's like STOP CRYING BITCH YOU DONT HAVE THE RIGHT

Like dude I get you're mad at yourself and all but your still yelling at a literal baby please stop 😭

Oh bonus points, I ALSO cried when I found out Lilia's Unique Magic is literally called Farcry Cradle. Like. This man who insisted for literal centuries that he wasn't capable of warmth or love and that he didn't like weak things or children and his UM called FARCRY CRADLE.

全ては過ぎ去る日のようにどこへ向かうもの瞬きの間よ、遠くの揺りかごまで

Also Silver was BLONDE???

Also Malleus being like Aw Shit, What Do I Do With This Thing with baby Silver was great. Love that.

Also totally forgot to just say I'm a bit shook that Silver was actually frozen in time for 100+ years and not a descendent. Was genuinely not expecting that.

Also got me FUCKED UP with the acorn bracelet being a gift from child!Silver like how much more emotional damage am I going to have to endure exactly

NOOO BABY OF COURSE LILIA LOVES YOU

Sidenote child Sebek and Silver are adorable

Cackling at child Sebek having Zero Chill.

He'll yeah, Sebek Unique Magic! "Living Bolt" is very appropriate for him! Pimp slap that boy (Silver) awake!

Silver: Malleus and Lilia probably hate me.

Me, out loud: shut the fuck up. Stop letting your lizard brain control you!

Sebek: *proceeds to immediately deck him*

Good job Sebek!

Sebek is so baby honestly.

Sebek is so right, what a king. I really love how Sebek shows Silver that he's loved. Look at how strong you are - who gave you that strength (love?)

Also I'm always a sucker for that trope when a character who doesn't have any self confidence ends up accusing the people who love them of lying, and really their own self-denegration ends up hurting the very people they care about. How hurtful and insulting it is to have your own moral character and your heartfelt affection for a person be tossed aside in favor of propping up someone's self hatred.

When Silver was like they cant love me and Sebek really said don't you fucking disrespect me or Lilia-Sama like that again. Yeah.

Thankfully Silver regains some clarity and they move along shounen-style, very good.

Oh man the battles for this chapter were actually kind of a pain.

Also tbh I don't know how to feel about them using a recolored version if Silver's 2D rig for the Knight of Dawn. It looks off, personally.

Also in a separate post I made, I said Malleus was like an uncle in their quartet but this whole Book has made it fairly clear that he's more of an older brother. With how long it takes for fae to mature, especially long-lived ones like Dragons, it's clear that Malleus is more like a 16 year old whose parents suddenly busted out a new kid.

I'm tired Goodnight

[clefaiiiry]

can i ask why you didn't like the zed comic? i read all of it but didn't come out of it with any particularly strong feelings other than that it was cool to get more zed backstory!

There's two main things I hate about the Zed comic and then a lot of nitpicky things I dislike.

TL;DR: Buildup and charactersation for Zed is good! Kusho twist is bad, Yevnai is also bad.

Full ramble under the read more,

The twist ending with Kusho actually being alive the whole time is the worst decision they could have made for the story they were trying to tell, in my opinion.

They set up Zed as someone impulsive, he rushes in without thinking because to sit idly while considering course of action only enables more suffering. But in acting so rashly, he only causes greater misery. Zed's characterisation in the first five issues is really strong, it makes him compelling, while also serving to characterise Kayn as the child a man like that would raise.

Zed starts from nothing, is given a good life with a good father that he does not believe he deserves. His own fear and self loathing is what causes the change and friction in his story. That makes him compelling! It makes his conflict with Shen interesting! It makes his parallels with his own son carry weight!

But instead of doing what he does based on a motivation carefully constructed over the course of five comics, Zed does what he does in service to someone else. He loses so much of what makes him interesting by making him a playing piece for Kusho to fuck around with.

Zed didn't do all the things he did because of his martyr complex, because he feels he must carry the stain of sin so others don't have to, he did them because he was told to do them by Kusho.

Killing Kusho is not a cruel, violent murder of someone he loved and respected, it's now an act of redemption to make sure you KNOW Zed is good, no nuance allowed!

It's leaves such a sour aftertaste that I just can't read the comic again without considering how drastically the twist impacts every facet of who we think Zed is. To me, it's not for the better.

Also Yevnai (Yes, I had to look back at the comic to double check her name) is boring and only exists to add conflict for Shen and Zed. You know! Because the conflict they already had wasn't interesting enough! Let's also make it a love triangle! She is not a character, she's a prop, and I hate it!

Nitpick round go:

Making Kusho the secret final boss all along also undermines Jhin as an antagonist, who's reduced to another pawn in Kusho's game of 'let's mess with Zed until he breaks,' or whatever.

According to comments by the author on Reddit, Marvel apparently forced A LOT of content to be cut, including a lot of stuff that would have made Zed far less redeemable. (including him killing Akali's father and innocent vastaya) Now obviously we can't know for certain how this would have panned out, but it's such a shame we didn't get to see the original vision because of creative differences and corporate meddling.

I don't like the art style, this is completely subjective, but it's over rendered and it's kinda ugly sorry.

WHERE IS KENNEN??? WHERE IS MY LITTLE RAT??? WHY IS HE NOT PRESENT? WHAT, IS THE NINJA PIKACHU TOO SILLY FOR YOUR COMIC, MARVEL???

[umihoshi]

Autumn anime 2023 is so STACKED, it's illigal!

Aside from the obviously amazing continuing shows, there's TOO MANY great new ones.

Based on first episodes, here's my top ranking (may be subject to change cuz Apothecary Diaries isn't out yet. And excluding SpyxFamily, dr. Stone and Tokyo Revengers which are all *chef's kiss*)

1. Kamonohashi Ron: Deranged Detective

you had me at Detective. and then you had me at Deranged. Also, I'm a big fan of Amano Akira's other works, Reborn and eldLIVE (Psycho-Pass not so much, but she only did the character art) Depressed adult who is too curious for his own good, what's not to love?

2. Undead Unluck

I saw the manga before and had been really anticipating the anime. They're such a fun duo and their personalities and abilities compliment one another really well. looks like there'll be a lot of cool unusual superpowers. Reminds me a lot of Blood Lad, just hoping this anime won't end with virtually nothing solved T~T;

3. Kingdom of Ruin

Bit on the over the top side with the amount of tragedy, but the worldbuilding seems very interesting. I'm a slut for witch hunting too. May end up severely traumatized if I continue, but we'll see how it goes.

4. My New Boss Is Goofy

My soul is healed, my crops are growing. Grown men doing stilly stuff is comfort food for the eyes. Looks a bit yaoi baiting, but can't complain if it's cute. Reminds me of Cool Douji Danshi.

5. Migi & Dali

I don't even know what's going on at this point, it's so surreal. Elder couple wants to adopt one child and genius twins thought 'we can work with that'. The silly love children of Johan Liebert and Sakamoto desu ga. (same author as Sakamoto too. it sure shows.)

6. Crash course on Naughtiness

Last season, I was confronted with the pet-peeve of feeble waifu syndrome (I finished My Happy Marriage, but I'm sorry, I could not stand that girl...) And this season around, I realized the formula that breaks the curse of feeble waifus: a batshit crazy counterpart. This man is just bullying her with kindness. plus points for another excelent job done by Sugita Tomokazu.

7. Frieren

As a big fan of DnD, I can't say no to such a DnD-based series. Plus the pressure of having to live such a long live as elves do is very interesting. It's a bit slow to my liking, but the characters are amusing and layered.

8. Yuzuki family's 4 sons

a young man who has to take care of his 3 little brothers after his parents died, give me some napkins Q-Q not a single person looks or acts their age (the youngest has better vocabulary than I do;;) but it's all fun and sweet and trying to find your way in an unusual family-hirarchy

9. I'm in love with the villainess

My eyes hurt from looking at this. But the over the top artstyle works quite well with how silly the story is. I too would like to say 'step on me, mommy' to my favorite villain. Just hope it won't become repetitive in its jokes.

10. Tearmoon Empire

Wow, will you look at that. Another reincarnated villainess. Luckily, this one has no memories of living in a different world or something. Just her future self's diary. Enjoying the concept where she's not suddenly a saintly good girl for a change.

11. Oujo to Banken

This dude is on THIN fucking ice. I commonly enjoy age gaps very much. but in no way what so ever, would I support a relationship between a teenager and the 10 year older guy who basically raised her. Him being her parent figure is where I draw the line. That said, I'm eating up the amount of over-protectiveness and yakuza-logics. It has the amount of spice I had hoped to find in Yakuza's Guide to Babysitting that wasn't there.

12. Ragna Crimson

I'm sorry. just...... you can't make me believe that the ditsy loli-girl is the best dragon killer in the world. stop. The maincharacter is quite interesting, though. I like how it's like... his actual own power that he has for his OP special snowflake thing. Borrowing tomorrow's energy for today.....that's the description of a burn out I read the other day;;; But you do you, boy. good luck dying very early in life.

[ladyintree]

this is my perspective on it and i'm not claiming it's canon for any of the simones i write with because obviously it's up to their interpretation, it's just how i need to make sense of it to write tai with other characters because i think about the dog a lot so. hi

I think that getting a dog was, in some way, tai's way of getting out of having another kid.   I've said before that kids were never exactly in her plan,  and it was a conversation she intended to keep pushing away once she got married,   but ultimately settled on having one because it was what simone wanted.  after they had one kid,  she thought that was done.   she loves sammy but she still hadn't planned to be a mother,  so she does have complicated feelings about it and knows that one is all she could ever handle.  I don't think she'd ever actually say that she regrets having him, though; her love for him is very genuine, but that doesn't mean that she's been willing to be the mother that he needs.

she and simone clearly have very different ways of parenting sammy and early season 1 often implies that sammy gravitates towards tai, even to the point where he starts covering her when her unconscious self starts interacting with him and ultimately forcing conscious tai to blame those things she's doing on him. but tai isn't willing to see that there's a problem with sammy because some part of her knows that she's that problem, that it's her issues that are being brought up, and simone isn't going to turn away from getting him help. settling for having a kid at all is not to blame simone because I don't think taissa put up much of a fight, either; I think she just knew she had to make some sacrifices in her relationship and accepted that this was one of them. and simone is a good mother and there's some part of tai that has always felt settled in having a kid because even if she wasn't giving her all, simone would, and that felt fair to her (it's not!) so she could handle one kid. but if simone ever brought up having another kid, even if it was a very light suggestion without any real plans yet, tai would've shut down.

so a young sammy asks for a dog and tai hates this. she does not want a pet. it doesn't matter what animal he asked for, she has no interest in being responsible for something else. she liked the way her life was going, she liked feeling like she was part of a stable family and the perception of herself she created because of it, she liked feeling like she was still in control of where she was going in life and how well she's moved on. she was achieving so many of her goals despite everything, while feeling nothing in the process and never truly latching onto happiness because she told herself it didn't matter, but she was still going somewhere. bringing a dog into their home felt so dreadful for her but she also knew the alternative could be the actual conversation of having another kid, and a dog felt like less of a hassle. she didn't really have anything against dogs and maybe once wanted one when she was a kid, so again, she told herself she could make it work and it would be fine, because it was at least better than bringing another child into their family. sammy loved the dog and it made him happy and that made tai happy despite the fact that she didn't intend for either of these to be a part of her life. she could look at her family once again and still feel like it was what she was supposed to have (because again, genuine happiness just didn't feel in the cards anymore, anyway), and she settled for that.

I don't think she'd ever consciously want to harm either of them but there is something to be said that her sacrifice was her dog + the doll that closely resembled her child. but that's for another day because discussing that makes my brain go in circles

[drdemonprince]

hi devon! i recently binged all your medium articles, your writing hits so close to home and has opened so many doors of self-reflection for me, thank you. one of your latest ones was about porn and autism, i have some differing opinions on porn itself, but i enjoyed your perspective on it.

i would love to hear your thoughts on autism and hypersexuality in a broader sense. i’m someone that’s recently realised how much my premature exposure to sexuality and porn in childhood made me hypersexual in a way that really stunted my personal growth and had me traumatising myself with my own compulsive sexual behavior. as an undiagnosed autistic adhd kid i was just grasping after any form of stimulating and self-soothing behavior, but also looking after ways to make myself more interesting and appealing to peers and most importantly boys (because interest from men = value as a human i learned early on). i think i could’ve figured out gender and sexuality stuff a little earlier and avoided my comphet phase had it not been for how obsessed i was with sexualising and objectifying myself in my tweens and early teens tbh. i hope to see more people talking about autism and sexuality. my heart breaks thinking about how so many demonise kids with problematic sexualised behavior when they’re literal children trying to figure out this having a body thing and there’s usually grown-ups around them standing idly by doing nothing effective to help.

Hi there! I love hearing from people who don't share my perspective completely but can still get a lot out of my work.

I alluded to this yesterday, but I don't believe hypersexuality or hyposexuality are a thing. Where do we draw the line where it becomes pathological, and why? Clearly humans have varied in how much they desire and think about sex since the beginning of time, and while we still have not figured out a respectful, appropriate way to cope with the fact of it, children also sometimes have an interest in sex and masturbation and a curiosity about it that is completely value neutral. It's just a thing that happens because children are living human beings.

Unfortunately we inhabit a paradigm where this is supposed to be either ignored or punished and discouraged, and anyone who does bring it up is viewed as having some ulterior motive beyond the liberation of children from abuse. And so if a child is curious about sex or driven to explore it in some way, they only means they have of pursuing that interest is by consuming adult material, which a lot of people look back on having done with a variety of different feelings. It sounds like you saw a lot of porn from a young age that really gave you unhelpful expectations for yourself and others and that it really hurt you, and I'm really sorry to hear that.

I consumed a lot of adult content as a child and a teen, not just porn but also real life gore and jump scare videos and elaborate, violent sexual stories, and of all those experiences, the only one that seemed to scar me was the jump scare videos. Seriously, newgrounds fucked me up, and not because I was playing games like Orgasm Angel. It was shit like kikia that fucked me up. The potential that my most beloved friend, the computer, could start screaming at me and showing me dead babies at any moment meant I was on edge and obsessively read all the comments on every video I ever viewed for like... seven or eight years. Even if a friend or classmate wanted to show me a youtube video, I forced them to read through all the comments and convince me it wasn't a jumpscare video first. For like years.

It might be that the only reason I was able to watch and read and play a lot of porn online as a kid without any real adverse effects was because I had a really specific fetish, and so most of the content I was able to view was of an obviously fictional and fantastical variety or was made directly by the people who starred in it. As I wrote in my essay, I'm glad that I started watching brainwashing gifs on weird websites and masturbating to them as a kid. It helped me feel less alone in my fetish and it didn't scar me, and provided a sexual outlet that was actually pretty safe and private and didn't put me in contact with any adults. It was a really nice pressure valve, a way to stim and zone out and regulate my breathing and get off, and finding content like that helped me to realize there was a whole big wide world out there where freaks like me could be okay.

THAT said, I can understand your experience! Porn didn't fuck me up as a kid, but I did learn some really pernicious sexual norms as a teen, because I had abstinence only education at school and I obsessively read Dan Savage's advice column Savage Love as a replacement for having any kind of credible sex ed. I used to worship Dan Savage. I met him for pancakes once, you can read about my whole complex relationship to him and his work in a very old piece I wrote pre transition here:

Dan Savage's work was really influential on me and on a lot of people of my generation. From his stuff, I learned that I should be good, giving, and game for just about anything a partner wanted -- which meant I pressured myself to do things I didn't always want to do. He normalized a kind of casual, unarticulated nonmonogamy among people of my age group including everyone I dated -- and so being open without really discussing what that meant was the norm for me from age 19 until about age 23.

Dan Savage wrote that blowjobs come standard and that any model who is not equipped with them should be returned to the lot -- thats really how he described women who didn't do oral. As broken cars. Dan Savage said that asexuals should only date other asexuals and probably werent real anyway. He said vaginas looked like canned hams dropped from great heights. He said a gay trans guy who couldnt take T for health reasons was 'delusional' for wanting to date fellow gay men. Reading Dan Savage fucked me up, and it's not even his fault -- he was just an outspoken faggot with an advice column that was always clear in reflecting his biases and agendas, and I was just a horny confused kid with no sex education and no where else to learn about sex other than porn and the back of the local alternative mag.

So, this is all a very long and meandering way of saying that I'm sorry you also got attached very young to untrustworthy sources of sexual information and that they also scarred you and left you pressured to be something you were not. I was there. I think many of my generation were and some still are. and not just the Autistics. I know so many people who got swept up in the messages that conventional porn and writers like dan savage had to peddle -- straight people, queer people, poly people, disabled people, everyone. The sad part is that Dan Savage for all his faults was still a lot more progressive than where many of my peers turned, which was sites like efukt or the predecessors to the chan sites and shit. It was brutal out there.

It's also the case that many of us Autistic people are prone to intense fixation and rumination and obsession, by neurotypical standards, sometimes to our detriment, sometimes in a completely neutral way that would cause us zero harm if it weren't for all the societal stigma and judgement. and that can mean that, especially when we are lonely and closeted teens, that we retreat into a lot of damaging digital messages and imagery, and I think a lot of bad, sexist straight porn unfortunately played that role in a lot of people's lives. My version of that was instead compulsively reading pro ana livejournals (as a teen) and then later terf detransition blogs (in my 20s). So again I don't think it's necessarily a phemoneon of porn per se, but obviously there is a lot of really toxic shit out there that has warped a lot of people's viewpoints around sex and relationships, I can't deny that.

I wish I knew what the solution was to help prevent future generations of kids from going through the kinds of damage you and I went through, but I think we are so far from being prepared as a culture to have this conversation that most attempts to broach it end up making things worse for kids in all kinds of scary new ways -- parents heavily monitoring and controlling their kids browsing habits for example. That sure as hell isn't going to help a closeted queer kid who is exploring themselves in most cases. Instead of building a world that is more liberatory and supportive to kids, we just keep trying to control them more and more, and impose more and more strict standards on them, which always hurts the weirdest and queerest among us the worse. It fucking sucks. Shit. i really am going to have to write about about child liberation one day wont i

[gakriele-lvs-blog]

MY THE OWL HOUSE SEASON 3 CRITIC

Now that the Owl House is over (Oh God what I'm supposed to do with my life now...) I wanted to get out of my chest my personal opinions regarding this last season. No hard feelings or attacks on the writers or animators of this amazing show, they did their best and I'm not here to judge anyone! Thanks to Them: A mixed bag leaning toward the positive for me. The introduction was done spectacularly (A compilation of everyone's adjustments and development to their new normal) allowing us to focus on the present, no more to say there.

---The premise (the puzzle to the localization of the Titan's blood) although interesting at first sight, it starts to feel dull/uninteresting rather quickly (a compilation of silly, funny moments that takes more than 5 minutes) Looking back it just feels like they could have tried including something a little more... organic to the story [maybe instead of a random puzzle, in reality, they find Caleb's journal tainted with a little drop of Titan's blood, althrought damaged it gives them some clues as to where to find the original portal that brought Evelyn to the human realm, and have Vee use the scent of the Titan's blood to helps them search for it said portal] ---Vee was reduced to a glorified background character and they didn't even address anything related to her (cabin friends, her relationship with Camila, Luz, and Hunter) which is understandable considerating how much else they needed to address but a single piece of dialogue or conversation between Vee and Luz would have been appreciated. ---Luz and Camila's relationship was handled perfectly; is clear that some things happen between them during the time skip. Their relationship seems to have improved, and while there is some air of uncertainty ---Hunter's development is clear all the way to Jupiter, he is more at ease around everyone, and not ashamed of his hobbies and passions. He truly became his true self. This is why his possession although a little out of the blue was a great closure to both his character's development and the episode. (Flapjack's death was truly heartbreaking)

For the Future: ---Similarly, a mixed bag but leaning toward the negative. The introduction was everything everyone expected, a literal infant God going rampant across the world with nobody to stop them, a powerful and impactful intro that leaves us in wonder to what is to come next. (love it) ---Hunter bottling his emotions is perfectly fitting for his character; Is a habit he surely develop during his time as the Golden Guard, the best tool he had to keep himself grounded during missions and around Belos. So going back to said habit after losing his best friend at the hands of his abuser obviously push him to search for any way to keep himself together to confront Belos one last time. A greatly executed idea. ---The Collector was everything I expected (an innocent child with the power to break the world in half, completely unaware of the fragility of others, and ignorant to the ramifications of their actions) they simply wanted a friend, someone to call an equally that they could trust. ---Belos slow psychical and mental decay was the highest point of the episode for me. (together with Luz's palisman reveal) Short, direct, and gruesome until the end. The culmination of Belos's sins is the image of his brother, the cataclysm of everything that led him to this path of horrors. ---Now the thing that dragged this episode to the worst of the season for me is all the time they wasted at Hexide. Including Hexide wasn't the problem, actually, I welcome it, a place to rest and formulate a plan alongside all the survivors? perfect stop for what is to come next, but Bosha and Kikimora's involvement provides nothing to the overall plot beyond stalling time. [I was expecting Hunter to see throught Kiki's disguise and immediately take her down (he isn't in the mood to deal with her bullshit now of all times); and for Willow to put some common sense into Bosha (by instantly beating her in a short fight, perfect to showcase Willow's development). Shortly after Luz and the others gather everyone, realizes how well-guarded the way to the skull is and decides to explore the Demon realm in search of both survivors and resources to create a safe way to the skull. Basically, a journey with the purpose of both reuniting everyone Luz and her friends had met and addressing some of the unattended plots/characters that were left behind] ---Oh, and Stringbean is perfection incarnated and I love them so much.

Watching and Dreaming: (I kinda already wrote one for this so I'm taking some parts for this one) ---This one feels like the only one which succeeds in accomplishing everything it was meant to address and develop. The beginning(approximately 5 minutes) was paced decently, they even manage to cramp the Collector’s development surprisingly well in all of that and it works because the guy was never bad, just innocent and unaware of the bad things they had done, the little guy just needed a little push to the right direction. ---Raine's inclusion as a protagonist was definitely not an unwelcome addition. It was thanks to Belos's involvement that they manage to assure a proper and not out-of-the-blue inclusion and relevance to the overall plot without making their presence too oppressive or unnecessary. ---The Hexsquad and Camila really get sideline in this one! Like, they weren’t even relevant through the whole episode! Truth be told, they got more than enough development from the last episodes so I can understand why that was the case. Eda and King deserved and needed a lot of screen time to compensate for their lack of relevance through the third season. Still… It feels like they wasted time every time they brought the focus back to them by just hanging around helping the puppets. [Shortly after they wake up have them leave the palace and search for Luz, be intercepted by Belos's influence, and for them to change their focus on helping the survivors that weren't inside Hexide.] ---the final confrontation was a stunning spectacle, and Belos's death was beyond satisfying (he got stomped to death by one descendant of his brother, the son of the Titan whose name he used to create his regime, and the nonbinary witch who dedicate a good portion of their lives to fight belos's regime) ---Although I'm not the biggest fan of Time Skips (The one in Thanks to Them is understandable) this one shows us that EVERYONE got their well-deserved good ending.

Just because I have my own opinion and vision doesn’t mean I didn’t appreciate this last season. Although the shortening will forever taint my joy for the show, eternally wishing to see the missing potential we never got to see… I love it and nothing will change that.

[miranda-mundt-art]

Oh haha. Yeah there was an ask from way back asking what Athalie likes and you mentioned reading forbidden spells and experimenting with them if she liked them enough.

This also got me thinking about something I've wondered for a while. Were Abrielle and Alette the stronger twin in the sense of emotional stability/control and self-confidence? Like Abrielle grew away from the vicious cycle on her own and wasn't getting torn down in a way that shattered her self image. And Alette/Selene had the typical dynamic of pinning siblings against each other(plus family pressure) and what ends up happening is one sibling ends up benefiting from the system and the other fails to thrive.

Gotcha.... -squints at past me- im going to assume i meant the kind of spells that she could use her own blood for but who knows. I think that question is interesting in so far as.... like.... "are some people just naturally born more emotionally resilient" which I don't have any science to back up LMAO I do know that when it comes to my sister and I - who were born 11 years apart - I was just significantly more calm/quiet than she was even though nothing really changed about how we were raised. So there is obviously a difference even if I have no idea what that would be lmfao.

HOWEVER I think if you have a sibling and you're told.... all the time... that you really really really suck compared to your sibling you're going to start believing that in some capacity (especially as a child). And you might be able to grow away from that if you have a support system (like Abrielle had Kalen and his family) but very much in the Severin family they are pretty isolated.

If Abrielle and Athalie were both treated with equal kindness/respect, would Abrielle still be the "better" one? honestly? I don't think so. They are equally smart and driven but Abrielle I think is naturally more rebellious and would have ended up pulling farther away from her family one way or another.

But that's strictly hypothetically as that reality involves literally changing... everything about the story LMAO

[ecoamerica]

Watch the 2024 American Climate Leadership Awards for High School Students now: https://youtu.be/5C-bb9PoRLc

The recording is now available on ecoAmerica's YouTube channel for viewers to be inspired by student climate leaders! Join Aishah-Nyeta Brown & Jerome Foster II and be inspired by student climate leaders as we recognize the High School Student finalists. Watch now to find out which student received the $25,000 grand prize and top recognition!

[bantansworld]

Double Platinum || DadKNJ Part 3

➜ Summary: “ I'm just trying to look out for your best interest! Because what if you end up making a stupid mistake that'll cost you your whole career!"

" A stupid mistake? You mean like me? That is why you decided to leave me, right? Because I was a stupid mistake that could have costed you your whole career?"

➜ Pairing: Unspecified for now

➜ Genre: Daughter given up for adoption, Becoming an Idol, Harshness of the idol industry, Namjoon reconnecting with his daughter, journey to forgive, messy one sided beef with other group

Warnings: Adpotion, giving up child, Heartbreak, implied racism, strict dieting, controlling career, abusive manager, abuse, being singled out, harsh social media comments, depression, profanity, idol life, learning to forgive

➜ Word count: 3958

-- { Jaelah's POV } --

My body twitched a few times as I started to wake up from my sleep. It took me a couple of minutes to actually acknowledge that I was awake and open my eyes. I really didn't want to wake up. Not right now, but I knew that I had to.

As soon as my eyes peeked opened and I took a breath in and let it out, all the events from yesterday came rushing back to me, and even after all the amazing things I experienced yesterday, the thing that took over my mind the most was the rejection of all of the entertainment companies.

At that mere thought, the darkness I felt pinching my heart came back, swooping me up and encasing me in sadness. I just didn't understand. My mind just couldn't wrap around that. How was I not accepted into a least one company? Is it conceited of me to say that I think that I had a really good audition video? I put my all into it, showcasing my skills of dancing, rapping singing, writing lyrics, acting, everything that I could think of.

I sighed to myself. Sighed at the reality. I know that there are probably many applicants that did the same thing, hell there were probably many other applicants that were way better than me, even so, I just can't help but think my talents had nothing to do with why I was rejected by so many companies. I just can't help but to think that maybe my skin tone played a role in that too.

I spent all morning wracking my brain on that thought. Walking up to the door of the store, I took my key out and unlocked it, flipping the switch to the welcome sign, opening the store officially.

I walked over to the door that led to behind the counter and unlocked that as well, walking over to the phone that we used to clock in and out and punched my numbers in, a "clocked in at 8:07am" flashing across the screen.

I sighed, as I sat down in the stool, pulling my phone out to scroll through my twitter. I wish I could just close the store for today. I really didn't want to be bothered today, I just wanted to bury myself under my covers and soak in a stew of my own self loathing. With another sigh, I scrolled more and more, that dark feeling swallowing me a bit more every time another mutual retweeted a newly debuted group on to my timeline.

" Why can't that be me?" I muttered to myself, feeling my eyes start to tear up.

Ding ding ding. The bell above the door sounded as a customer walked into the store. I immediately wiped the tears from my eyes and stood up straight, placing my phone in my back pocket as I put a smile on my face. " Good morning! Welcome to Kim's Corner. Please enjoy your time shopping with us." I said to the customer.

The woman bowed her greetings to me, then went on about her business. I took my phone back out of my pocket and sat back down, my thoughts taking over my mind once again.

— Should I just give up? I just don't understand the point in keep trying to force something that's obviously not meant to be. For years I've been trying to get into a company. Making excuses over and over for why I didn't make it, thinking back then that my talents weren't good enough and that I needed to improve more before I would be accepted, when that just wasn't the case. Maybe I should just accept the fact that the idol industry has an image that they want to uphold and I just didn't fit that image. I wasn't apart of the beauty standards that they uphold. —

My frown deepened at my thoughts. I honestly felt as if my brain and my heart was locked in a heated battle. My brain trying to rationalize to the circumstances, while my heart just wasn't ready to let go of my life long dream.

I saw the woman making her way over to the counter with her items in hand. " Hello. Are you doing well today?" I asked her, taking the items from under the glass and begin scanning them.

" Yes I am. Thank you." She replied to me me as she started digging around in her purse.

I finished scanning her items, looking at the screen as the total amount popped up. " Your total will be ₩19,483.35. I let her know.

She held up her card, letting me know that she was using it and I nodded and pressed the card button on the register. " You can go ahead and swipe it now." I told her.

She did as I said and swiped her card. The register taking a little longer to process her card before "declined" popped up on the screen.

" I'm sorry. Let me try a different card." She muttered to me, going back into her purse as she searched around for a few seconds. She pulled out another card, looking at the front of it before nodding her head. " Here it is." She said holding up the other card.

I nodded once again and pressed the button, gesturing for her to slide her card. It took just one second and her transaction was approved. I had bagged her things and handed them to her along with her receipt. " Thank you for shopping at Kim's Corner. Please come again." I said with a bow.

" Yes. I will thank you." The woman said bowing her head slightly as she left the store.

And it was back to me and my thoughts as I sat back down, taking my phone out and continued with scrolling through my timeline.

I guess time really do fly by when you have nothing to do. It had been about two hours since I clocked in and just like yesterday, customers were scarce. I spent more time scrolling through twitter and watching youtube videos then I did anything else.

As more time ticked on and no one was showing up, I stood up from the stool, grabbing my keys so that the door wouldn't lock behind me and made my way out of the room. I walked down the isles of the store, seeing what products I needed to stock up on before I went back to the storage room and grabbed a box of extra spicy ramyeon. I walked out of the storage room with the box in hand, hearing the familiar ding ding ding of the bell.

" Hello. Welcome to Kim's Corner, thank you for shopping with us." I said to whoever it was that walked in.

I was a bit preoccupied with the box that took up most of my vision as I walked over to the isle that houses all of the different varieties of ramyeon " Seems like these are selling well these days." I said aloud as I placed the box on the ground and started pulling at the tape that sealed the box shut.

I started taking the packs of the ramyeon out of the box and placing them on the shelves when a scream ripped from my throat when a voice behind me spoke. " Yeah they are. I actually came all this way just for these." The voice said.

I placed my hand over my rapidly beating heart, my breath shuttering as I looked up at the young man that towered over me, his wide does eyes stared at me apologetically. " I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you." He said frantically, bowing his head in apology.

" N-No it's fine." I said to him as I stood to my feet after placing the last of the ramen in the box onto the shelves. " I'm just a bit of a scary cat." I said to him, moving a curl the escaped my ponytail form my face.

We both laughed awkwardly. It was then that I got more of a good look at the person I was speaking to. My words were caught in my throat as the smile on my face faded and my mouth opened in shock.

" Hello!" He said with a smile. " We met yesterday right?" He asked.

I schooled my face, remembering that I was at work and I wanted to be professional. " I- uh yes I did! It's nice to see you again. I hope you enjoyed your package." I said to him, my heart beating a mile a minute although I tried not to show it.

A real smile graced his face as he nodded eagerly. " I did! Jimin-hyung and I ate mostly everything in the box! Thank you for packing such great snacks for us." He said to me.

" It's no problem at all. It's my job." I responded to him, moving over from blocking the shelf of ramyeon and gestured for him to go head. " You said you came here for this right?" I asked him.

" Mmh." He sounded, walking over to the shelf, grabbing multiple packs of the extra spicy ones.

I walked away from him, going to break the box down and to put it with the rest of the used boxes then I made my way back over to the door, unlocking it before making my way back to the register. I looked around seeing Jungkook still walking around the store, his hands filled with packs of noodles and other snacks.

I was glad I had some time to breathe to myself. Trying to hold in my inner fa girl was a bit taxing but I think I did well. I don't know what village or town I saved in my past life, but for me to meet Jungkook two times, back to back like this, I must have been a real saint in my past life.

I saw him walking over here with his hands full of snacks and ramyeon, placing it all messily on the counter.

" Oh wow." I said to him, not holding back the giggle that escaped me.

He looked up at me with a sheepish smile. " I wanna make sure I don't run out so soon again now that Jiminie-Hyung isn't there to eat all of my food up." He explained to me.

" Ahhhh." I sounded, nodding my head as I reached under the glass, grabbing the items and scanning them and bagging them as I went.

We fell into a comfortable silence as I continued scanning, when not too long after that, Jungkook spoke up again.

" You know, I've been out all morning looking for these specific ramyeon packs and everywhere I went they were sold out." He said with a slight whine. "'And then I come here, but not only are the ramyeon here, you are too, but I supposed I shouldn't be surprised you're here. You do work here after all." He rambled on.

" Do you do this often? I would think that a huge idol like you walking around so freely would cause a lot of mayhem to happen." I said to him as I scanned the last item in the pile, placing it in the bag.

" Yeah it would, that's why when I'm in the mood to shop for myself, I go early in the day so that I don't attract attention. I also cover up so I'm not as recognizable." He explained, gesturing to his outfit.

"Ahhhh." I sounded again, nodding in understanding. " Umm your total is going to be ₩100,014.53." I told him.

He reached into his pocket, pulling out a black card. I pressed the button on the register and gestured to him that he could swipe with he did and immediately the transaction went through.

I slid his bags through the hole in the glass along with his receipt. " Well thank you so much for shopping at Kim's Corner again. We really appreciate your business here. Feel free to come by any time" I said to him with a bow.

" Of course! Thank you for such wonderful service yet again." He replied to me, bowing his head again.

I watched with a heavy heart as he started to walk away. I wanted to open my mouth to ask him another question, but I didn't want to keep him any longer than he had to be here, and plus I didn't want to seem unprofessional.

" I- uh Jungkook-shii." My mouth open and spilled the words beofre I had even realized what I was doing.

Jungkook stopped in his tracks and turned around to look back at me. " Yes?" He asked.

" I... I uhh... Can I ask you a question? You don't have to if you don't want to. I just-"

My ramblings were cut short with a laugh. " Nonits fine. I'll be happy to answer your question if I can." He said to me.

My heart felt like some of the darkness was rising off of it.

" I just..." I took a few seconds to collect my words beofre I spoke again. " Donyounhave any advice for an aspiring artists that's trying to get into the idol industry?" I asked him, my cheeks warming as I watched him toss the question around in his head for about a minute.

" We'll for starters, being in this industry, I would say you'd have to have very tough skin. You have to realized quickly that not every thing is gonna happen suddenly. A lot of things in this industry takes time, sometimes a long time before things are a bit smoother. For me, one thing that I take very seriously is my craft. I work to perfect my craft because knowing that you can be better than you were before is motivating for me. And most importantly I would say to not give up, no matter what. No matter how tough times are, or how much things just don't look like it's gonna get better. Don't give up. Those are thoughts that I hold close to my heart, even now." He answered, sincerity dripping from his words.

I took his words into myself and soaked in them. I felt my eyes tear up and I couldn't catch the tear that dripped down my face fast enough before he saw it. His face held concern at first before a look of recognition appeared, a small smile coming to his face.

" I don't know your story, but I just want to tell you to push on. If being in this industry is something that you want that bad. Don't give up. If this is a dream of yours, then you hold on tight until you can fulfill them. Fight through your hardships, because there will be many, push through and you will prevail." He said to me.

The tears wouldn't stop falling from my eyes, but I continued to wipe them away. " Thank you for your kind words. I'll hold on to them and keep them with me on my journey." I said to him.

" Please do. I was in your place not that long ago and somebody had to tell me something similar." He told me.

" Mmh." I sounded out as I continued wiping tears from my face, nodding at his words.

" Fighting!" He cheered out before he left with a wave.

I watched him walk out with his bags on his arms before he stopped in his tracks, taking his phone from his pocket and holding it up to take a selfie. He looked down at his phone, typing something in it before putting it back in his pocket, then made his way to the black Mercedes that was parked out front.

" Wow... I really just got advice from an international superstar. One of my ultimate faves. I'll never forget this moment." I said to myself in somewhat of a daze, wiping the last of my tears from my eyes.

" Thank you for shopping at Kim's Corner, please come again soon." I said to the customer as they walked away with a bow.

I turned to put away the extra bag when I jumped, hearing the store door being aggressively pushed open. My eyes shot over to the door seeing Youngheun run in, her breath heavy as she bowed in apology to the customer she almost plowed over beofre she rushed over to the door and started beating on it.

I was alarmed. Why was she so frantic? I rushed over to the door letting her in, " Youngheun? What's wrong? Are you ok?!" I asked her, looking her over to make sure she didn't have any bruising or anything on her.

" Stop stop stop! I'm fine!" She said moving my hands from checking her beofre she placed my hands on her cheeks. " Tell me I'm dreaming Jae. Please tell me I'm dreaming." She said to me.

I was so confused and had no idea what she was rambling on about. " You're not dreaming. And you're early today." I said to her, glancing down at the time that showed on my phone screen.

" Ok. I'm not dreaming. So then that means this is real." She said to me as she held her phone up to my face.

She held her phone so close to my face that I had to move her hand back and when my eyes focused on what she was showing me, I realized it was twitter and on the picture was Jungkook, posing with a smile on his face and a the bags in his hands right in front of the store with a caption that read,

— " Did this just become my new favorite store? They have so many good snacks and the worker there is always so nice. 10 out of 10 recommended." —

My eyes widened at the post as I rushed to pick up my phone, unlocking it with a swiftness. I pressed on my twitter app, seeing the blue screen with the bird appear before my timeline had loaded up. My entire timeline was freaking out about Jungkook's post. Some were pointing out how they didn't live too far from the store and we're gonna come here just because Jungkook did. Others were responding how jealous they were that they were too far away to come.

I was shocked. Did Jungkook do this knowingly, giving our little corner store more exposure and potentially business?

" Oh my gosh..." I said absentmindedly.

" Jaelah you..." Youngheun had paused her words as she took in a breath. " Jae this is your second time meeting Jungkook. Second time in a row! This isn't fairrrrrr!" She said whining. " Why am I never around whenever he appears!" She continued to whine.

My mind was still somewhat gone as she spoke. " Yeah, he came in about 20 minutes ago looking for ramyeon. We talked for a bit and he gave me some great advice." I rambled on.

" And you're this calm about it?! I don't know if I would have been able to handle it. I would have probably fainted." She said dramatically.

" I appeared calm on the outside to remain professional and not freak him out, but on the inside, I felt like I was dying and going to heaven over and over again... until it got kind of serious and I was crying like a baby." I said, trying to rush that part out quickly.

" Woah Woah Woah... you got serious? Crying? What happened." She asked, her sunny demeanor suddenly not sunny anymore.

" No no, it's not anything he did. Heunnie he's honestly so nice and sweet. It didn't even feel like talking to an international superstar, but like an old friend or something." I explained to her.

"Mmh. So what happened? Why were you crying." She asked me, her eyes never leaving mine.

I suddenly felt embarrassed. " I kinda asked him in advice for getting into the idol industry and he gave me some really good advice that touched my heart. You know I'm a crybaby." I explained to her.

" Oh wow. Getting advice from one of the artists you admire the most. What village did you save in your past life?" She said to me.

I laughed. " I said the same thing." I told her. " But yeah, it really made me feel so much better. I was so sad this morning. I felt like I was slipping into a depressive episode. I was really ready to just give up on trying to become an idol." I said to her.

Her eyes widened at my words. I could read her face like the back of my hand. First she looked confused on why I would do that, then she thought for a second before realization set in for her.

" Oh Jae. The auditions didn't go well?" She asked, sadness for me appearing in her eyes.

I shook my head. " I was rejected by every company I applied for." I said lowly.

Youngheun kissed her teeth, pulling me into a hug. " Those bastards don't know what they're missing." She said to me.

We pulled away from each other.

" Before hearing Jungkook's words, I really did want to give up because I felt like, what's the point if I was just gonna keep getting rejected by the same companies. I've been trying to get into an entertainment company since I was 12 years old, back then I understood that maybe I was too young, but since when was that ever a problem in kpop? I just feel like the older I get, the more I realize that maybe they just don't want to accept me because I'm mixed." I explained to her.

Youngheun's ears were open as she listened to me and let me rant before she spoke again. " I just don't understand why that would be a problem. There are plenty of mixed idols that debut in groups and a lot of them become popular." She said to me.

" Yeah heunnie, but what's the difference between them and me? Most of the time the mixed idols that debut and make it big are mixed with either another Asian nationality, or their mixed with white. You never see an idol with darker skin debut." I told her.

A deep frown came to her lips. " Now that I'm looking at it like that, you're so right." She said with a deep sigh.

Silence falls between us as we let the reality sink in.

" But the encouraging words from Jungkook makes me want to keep fighting. He told me to keep fighting for my dream and I will prevail. I know that's a gamble, but it's a gamble I'm willing to take." I said to her passionately.

" We'll that's great. And besides, you can always come apply to DRMusic with Dahye and me. It's a very small company, but hey, we have to start somewhere right?" She said to me.

My eyes widened and I smacked my hand against my forehead. " That's who I was forgetting. I forgot to submit my audition to DRmusic because I fell asleep. Ughhhh I'm so dumb." I told to her.

Youngheun laughed at me, pulling me into a hug. " I'm glad you're gonna keep fighting. We got this this Jae. I'm determined to see our dreams come true." She said to me.

" I am too." I responded back to her.

We were in our hug for a few more seconds when we begin to hear chatter outside of the store. My eyes had widened.

There was a group of people beginning to form, taking pictures in front of the store and posing the same way Jungkook did.

" Oh my gosh." I said in disbelief.

" We're about to be so busy." Youngheun finished.

[corpsegirl-sephie]

Over the course of the last month or so I've been very slowly processing just how many of my issues are a direct result of how my parents treated me as a child and the fact that my childhood wasn't actually as good and normal as I was led to believe. I'm obviously not done working through it but it's a very strange experience to recontextualize everything I've ever known and I feel the need to talk about some of the things I've realized so far

Why do I cling so desperately to anyone who shows me a sliver of kindness? Probably because I never felt that kindness until I was 18, from someone who, at that point, was a stranger. Maybe it's because, until I left my parents' home for the first time, all I felt was scorn and quiet contempt for my very existence.

Why is my self-esteem functionally nonexistent? Why am I such a perfectionist? Probably because my mother loved nothing more than to brutally mock and punish every perceived failure. Tearing pages upon pages out of my notebooks because my handwriting was too ugly or because I had made a spelling mistake and that was unacceptable, making me redo the same thing over and over until my hands cramped. Yelling for hours over "bad" grades in middle school (by which we mean anything less than an 8, although anything below a 9 was still passive-agressively mocked incessantly)

Why can I never seem to just relax? Why is every moment of leisure so tense? Probably because both of my parents just have fits where they see me having fun and decide that that's just unacceptable and they must scream and berate me for not being productive, even when there's literally nothing I need to do.

Why am I such a people pleaser? Why do I bend over backwards to do and say only what I think won't inconvenience anyone else, with no regard for my own wellbeing? Why do I do that so much I get lost in that facade and forget who I even was before? Probably because any time I didn't bend to my parents' absurd whims I was torn down for hours emotionally. Probably because every time I tried to express myself and my interests that didn't align with my parents' I was punished for it (I was once forbidden from accessing any form of entertainment for a whole summer just because I expressed an interest in horror. Keep in mind this was also at a time where I was extremely socially isolated. I literally had no one to talk to and nothing to do except sit in my room alone for a while summer). Probably because every time I tried to make a choice about my own life that they couldn't vicariously live through I was pressured constantly until I changed my mind (this includes going to college for something I knew I would hate just to appease their wishes to see me do what they wished they had. They even admitted that's why they made me do it. The only reason they allowed me to quit was because it was becoming increasingly clear that I would literally kill myself if I had to keep doing that)

I am now thinking about how my mom once told me that, when she's old and on her deathbed, I shouldn't try to prolong the inevitable. Specifically, I am thinking that I'd be more than happy to let her die, and the only regret I'll have when she dies is that it didn't happen sooner. I genuinely hate her and my father so much. They've ruined my life and mental health. I fear the damage they've done is irreversible. I will forever have to live with the scars of how they treated me.

If I'm still in contact with my parents by the time they die I'll consider that a failure

[kettlepickle]

How do people even make friends?

I'm having a meltdown and my anxiety is winning right now so I'm going to vent because theres nothing else I can do

I have friends, I've known them for a long time but I don't understand how these friendships came to be

I was never a child that had a shit ton of friends, only ever 3 or 4 kids but only one of them was really my friend

Then in middle school I met some other kids but didn't work out too well and I don't talk to most of them except 5 or 6 people

We met because I was on a group project with them and just kept talking to them after ninth grade (the pandemic "helped" amd we kept talking on whatapp since then)

Now I go to college and have not made any friends and don't know how

I also figured out I'm autistic (got diagnosed this year) and stopped masking most of the time and told this to the class

I like my friends but I just wished I had people to talk to at my class because I just feel like I dont fucking belong (my friends don't go to my university and I'm basically an outcast there)

I genuinely don't know how to make friends, I never learned how to do a first impression on people and don't know how to engage

I feel like I don't have anything interesting to other people and act too weird to be liked by neurotypicals

I can't even summon the courage to talk to other autistics because I just don't know how to start a conversation without embarrassing myself for being weird and uncanny

I've heard that people think I act standoffish and odd specially when I was masking so I decided to stop just because it wasn't working

Now I feel lonely and I don't even know how to tell that to my own friends cause they already deal with a lot of shit in their lifes, putting my anxiety on them just feels daunting and makes my anxiety even worse

I've been on tumblr for a while just because I wanted to meet more people but I just have no idea where to start and now i feel useless

Even when i take the steps to get to know more people i still end up isolated

I just don't know how to function like a fucking normal person and it makes me feel like shit

It gets worse because i do have friends, but we just talk via social media and barely see each other and i feel like shit because why would i feel lonely, i have friends and a nice life why is everything so hard when i have all the help i need and still i manage to fuck my social life up when people have it much worse than i do

I feel like a fucking idiot because i have all the support i could get and still destroy every opportunity to make friends by being too weird

I hate feeling lonely why do I feel so lonely as an adult this shit sucks

I used to be so different as a child, I didn't know how to make friends back then either but I could just copy the adults and it would work at all times and the adults thought I was so smart and mature, now other adults think I'm too weird and I hate kids (not directly, can't stand their energy and they're loud sometimes) so nobody likes me anymore besides my family and my only friends

I hate being this socially inept I'm so fucking incapable of talking to people

Even in social spaces for autistic people here on tumblr i feel like i can never belong

I guess i couldn't admit that I hated myself before

I don't think I hated myself, I guess that's why I grasped my self confidence so strongly ultill I crushed it and now it's gone

I created my personality around being smart and getting good grades in everything, but ever since I started 10th grade my grades have been declining and I guess I'm late to the fact that I don't have any real interests and don't know how to have a social life

Nobody's gonna read this anyway I don't know why I even fucking bother

I hate myself and I hate my neighbors and I hate everyone that missed little child me when I was obviously autistic and my parents juts heard that I would grow out of it but years later I got diagnosed

Sometimes i question my autism diagnosis but then this shit happens but i still doubt it

I'm really spiraling huh

My mental health is getting so much worse and I don't know if the therapist I'm.going to start seeing next week is going to fix it because the other therapist I was seeing before was completely useless to me and just made everything worse

Guess I just fucking hate myself

[shinra-makonoid]

hey! i'm going to try my best to be kind even though i don't love some of your talking points. i don't think you are intentionally trying to be antisemitic, i think you are just ignorant (which is not a crime). i'm jewish and what specifically has bothered me is "I said that if they believed that god had nothing to do with men and that it had nothing to do with religion, then they were probably agnostic atheists too then". you are assigning jews to a box that we really don't fit in. 1/n

I literally said that because the post before me was this:

If the person before me claims their religion invented agnostism atheism, why would you get mad at being called the thing you literally invented? I did not assign "Jews" into a box, one Jewish person told me that the things that are called agnostism atheism has been invented by their culture/religion and that it wasn't new, so I told that Jewish person that they were the thing they claimed they invented. I was skeptical of this claim. I did not make any generalization, I do not claim to know what "Jewish people" think in general, and I'm not interested in that either. I had a conversation with one person.

I specifically said that, because the OP of the post and the person who replied, had issues with people who were agnostic atheist. In my head, idk about you, but it is kind of strange to, at the same time, say that people who are X are bad, but also that your group of people invented X and that it was a given.

your distinction between 'theistic' and 'deistic' gods also really doesn't hold weight imo but that's a different conversation. your point labelled 2 on that original thread also comes off as extremely condescending, as if someone who is jewish doesn't know that judaism is an ethnoreligion. this is more philosophical, but, "You may be very attached to your beliefs, but they aren't you", what are you if not your beliefs? jewish identity and the self are very intertwined. 1/n

As you say it's a different conversation.

For the point 2 about being condescending, I can't see it. The OP made a point solely on the religion, as if religion was the only factor that kept Jewish people together during all those years and even now. It feels (but maybe I'm wrong) as if, when you are reacting to what I said, you did not read what the people argued before me. Because the logic of why I argued the points I did obviously only make sense if you look at what was posted before.

I don't think I am my beliefs. "Jewish identity" is kind of a vague statement right? Again, just like the OP from the other post, I think you are centering it around beliefs, when, it's not just that. I don't mean to be condescending when I say this, but I don't know how to say it any other way. Being Jew is not just about religion and beliefs, it's about a cultural and historical background too. The reason why I'm making that point isn't because "I know more" or that I want to be condescending or whatever, I specifically said that I was ignorant. And it's also important for me to talk about the historical point because my family lived through WW2 and it's a shared history, it's a shared traumatism. When I go to the Shoah memorial in Paris, I don't think "The jews" in one side and "my family" on the other side, I think "us" who suffered from the nazis. To me, when you focus on beliefs, you push that away. And again idk why you would take that wrongly but at that point I'm pretty sure anything could be problematic but I'm exhausted and I hope you understand I don't mean harm. When I was a child we went to a museum or something, in which we could listen to a Jewish person who survived WW2 and was still alive to tell their story, their suffering. Like... History is so important. We fought so much for it not to be forgotten, to be recognized, to know, to transmit and educate children like me, and it's not a part of your argument regarding your Jewish identity? Like, idk man. The suffering of my family is part of mine. It doesn't mean that it needs to be only that obviously tho. I feel like focusing solely on beliefs is an inaccurate portrayal of how deep/complex the Jewish identity is, which it is! And I'm nowhere equipped enough of knowlegeable enough to actually tell how complexe it is, that's for sure and I never argued otherwise. I literally tried to be as respectful as possible but I don't know how to say it any other way, and again, I don't mean to be rude. It seems (but maybe I'm wrong) that there is no way for me to express that argument without looking bad to your eyes. Why is that? And why do you seem, both of you guys, to focus solely on beliefs in regards to your Jewish identity?

If someone criticize my beliefs, I understand that it's my beliefs that are being criticized, not me. Yes, my beliefs are an important part of my life, but I still manage to make the difference. When I feel targetted when someone criticize my beliefs, I try to go deeper into that because, for me, it means that I'm not feeling secure in my own beliefs. I would recommend a video about street epistemology here. This is legit one of my favorite video ever, you don't have to watch it, but I think it's very interesting.

it's okay that you don't know a lot about judaism, but you really do come across as positing yourself as an authority on the subject so it does not surprise me that people are being hostile about it. i hope you have a good day (3/3 fin)

And I will ask you where I did that ever? For example, the screen just after, does that look like someone who is an authority on Judaism?

ok sorry one more ask: i feel like the whole argument is pointless because the original anon was comparing atheists WHO THINK ALL RELIGION IS EVIL to terfs. not all atheists. so you being mad that spacelazarwolf was "comparing atheists to terfs" is just misreading the post entirely because it was about specifically atheists who are shitheads to folks who are religious

Except I didn't answer to them talking about atheists who think all religions are evil. In regards to the TERFs comparison, I answered to them about that:

I'm an atheist, and arguably by that person, I'd be a "culturally christian atheist". That's what they compared to TERFs. It just here.

"atheists who are shitheads to folks who are religious", you mean like atheists who are being harassed because they said something that has been considered subjectively as rude to religious people's beliefs?

To make a comparison that is less heavily politically charged, I'll talk about "Culturally Christians" and maybe manage to convey how it looks like from an atheist point of view. So it's about a French skeptic that I follow closely and that I love (I would marry him, believe me). In Paris the big cathedral of Notre-Dame was in fire and it had severe damages, but there was no death. I personally was not affected by it, the French skeptic I follow wasn't either. Both he and I made jokes about it burning. It caused a severe ruckus, it turned out that, no matter what you could do, we were socially not allowed to joke about it, because it was a blaspheme, even for people who were not religious. It was considered disrespectful to make fun of a building in fire. And while I just had to stop a few conversation on discord, the skeptic on Twitter had a massive harassment. Objectively, there was no reason to believe that joking about this would cause anything bad, because again, it was an old building burning. You could lament the loss of architectural history for sure, but the way people treated it was sacred. Sometimes when atheists are "shitheads to folks who are religious", it's actually just because we see a building where you see something sacred. And there is nothing we can do as atheists to see it as sacred. We don't choose our beliefs, that includes being atheist. That is not hate against the people who believe. The same way that questioning a specific belief is not hate or condescension or posing as an authority. It's just questioning things to learn more.

No matter what you think/feel, thanks for being not insulting.

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