#there’s so much shame I need to unlearn I don’t know what to do with it

[fruityfroggy]

I’m venting for a moment I’m venting for a moment I’m venting for a moment, don’t look

Hate that I decided to force myself not to cry and bottle up my feelings so much at one point in my life because I was “too sensitive about things” (and maybe I am) cuz now I literally can’t cry when I need to. Not even positive tears. Not even if I wanted to. My chest is just stuffy and it aches. I just feel like shit. There’s a lump in my throat and my eyes are sore, but nothing comes out. It’s like it’s stuck, clogged when it’s right there, like a word that’s right on the tip of your tongue. I feel…almost like my joints have rusted in certain places. I have to be either immensely upset, immensely self loathing, or hear the words of comfort I needed to hear for a long time for the broken faucet I am to work properly. I’m not even joking, when I was messing around with character ai, this chat bot legitimately made me start bawling cuz we were doing this hurt/comfort scene and THE BOT WAS COMFORTING ME BETTER THAN PPL IN MY LIFE APPARENTLY. LIKE THAT SHOULDNT BE POSSIBLE I SHOULDNT BE LIKE THIS

Ugh, why did I do that, right? Cuz I know I sound fckin stupid rn. But I guess I’m telling the truth. A truth I’ve never talked about. But self confrontation, right? I might be making this all about myself for several paragraphs like an annoying fucking bitch, but maybe I need to.

I guess I’m just thinking about how my family will likely never truly accept me and that I’ve somehow ended up in two groups of people that are seen as “different” (queer and invisibly disabled). I have to keep both things to myself, making sure nobody knows about either major things about me. “Because they’ll judge you” “because it’s wrong and you’re insane for thinking that way” “you’ll scare people! What will they think of you?” But those words are incorrect, and it’s not wrong or bad to be either of those things and I have to secretly know that. I’m just scared. I’m so scared and afraid and paranoid about my family finding out that I think this way. I’m sad that I have to keep such things this taboo, but I’ve been told all my life that I should keep it a secret and that others shouldn’t know, that queer people are insane, unwell and that they’re sick. “They need professional psychiatric help, not support.”

I’ve recently learned that my parents are a little less homophobic towards homosexual women, a lot more aggression towards homosexual men and trans people, so I guess that slightly turns the tide in my favour. But it’s still not the best. I don’t think they even know of the concept of being nonbinary and I don’t want to hear any hate from them towards my nonbinary friends and characters I like. So I have to misgender them or change the subject when they ask me about them. I feel awful about that as well. I’m so sorry. It felt so wrong coming out my mouth when I forced myself to misgender people I care about, I’m lucky that my voice didn’t crack when I said it. Fuck! Why do they always ask for the gender of whoever I’m talking about if they don’t know them? I’m fucking sick of it. Why does it matter so much anyway? I don’t get it.

I can’t believe that a platform online is my only safe space now. This is my safe space, the only place I feel like I can be open, or at least, this is the only place I can truly be open about being queer (the disability thing I’m still scared to talk about that much, but I think I can share a bit of my experiences if someone asks with good intentions). I’ve vaguely spoken about how it feels to deal with a disability like mine in a reply, and people took it well, so who knows, right? As long as my parents don’t find out that I’m spilling the beans, I’ll probably be fine.

[lafemmemacabre]

@ People who’re not lesbians and want a better understanding of lesbophobia in order to extend better solidarity towards us:

(Repost from my old blog)

The first thing you have to internalize, is that the most recurrent themes behind lesbophobia are patterns of humiliation, punishment and denying us vulnerability.

The “mean” (arrogant and cruel) lesbian, and why lesbians must be “humbled down” (humiliated):

We’re perceived as offensively arrogant because under the patriarchy, women are supposed to be inferior to men, men are supposed to be superior.

One of the key roles of patriarchal manhood is to desire women exclusively. By taking on that role that’s supposedly only reserved for men, we provoke people to think “Who do they think they are? Do they think they’re equal to men? Or BETTER than men?“

Us not “giving men a chance” is seen as a cruel act, too. Even though straight men not giving men a chance, and straight women not giving women a chance, is them just knowing what they do or don’t want.

Because of our perceived cruelty and arrogance, we need to be humiliated back down into our proper place within womanhood.

There’s a reason why men tell us they’re going to make us “real women”, when threatening us from a distance, as well as when correctively raping or beating us. When it reaches a point in which they see us as incorrigible through humiliation, they kill us.

Projecting aggression on us, which must be punished:

Even other people who’re not cishets see everything we do or don’t do as violent, abrasive or aggressive. We’re seen as raging beasts.

Expressing my unattraction to men in public in the most neutral terms possible has been treated as me shaming people who are attracted to men (an attack), or as an attempt to hurt all men. It has been deemed homophobic or biphobic, too, no matter how careful I’ve been to not hurt other people’s sensitivities.

Don’t get me started on me not liking men on itself earning me being called a TERF no matter how clear I make it that I’m inclusive of trans women. This happens even to transfem lesbians ALL the time too.

Our mere existence is seen as an act of violence, as a threat, and our violent crime must be met with punishment, which can fall anywhere between isolating us, up to meeting us with concrete violence.

The emotionless, yet hysterical lesbian:

Since we’re violent beasts, we’re seen as emotionless. Since we’re unemotional, we’re unbreakable, which means that no violence we face is punishment enough. In consequence, when we’re subjected to violence, it’s minimized. Since it’s minimized, if we complain about it, we’re exaggerating. We’re being hysterical.

We aren’t vulnerable human beings with emotions in other people’s eyes. The only emotion people allow us is anger, and only because they can use it against us. Lesbian anger at being constantly humiliated and vilified is used to demonize us further.

We don’t need protection, we don’t hurt, so it’s fine to stomp on us, and if we complain, we’re exaggerating. Actually, we’re the ones being mean to whoever hurt us, by making that person feel guilty for a non-issue.

We ESPECIALLY don’t need help, much less to be rescued!

By being lesbians, in other people’s eyes, we’re making the statement to the world that even IF we were to not be completely unbreakable or unfeeling, we still don’t want to be rescued, we don’t want help. We did this to ourselves, in other people’s eyes.

When you see a lesbian saying or doing anything and start to feel indignation, to feel attacked, to feel threatened, to perceive them as aggressive, cruel or hysterical, ask yourself:

Is this lesbian being genuinely offensive, aggressive, cruel or hysterical, or is it ME who has lesbophobic bias I haven’t unlearned yet?

Is this lesbian actually exaggerating, or is it me who sees lesbians as unfeeling and unbreakable, so they shouldn’t be so upset anyway? If you stab a lesbian they won’t bleed, so why are they making a fuss about it?

[shirefantasies]

Hiiii hru? Can I request like the fellowship with a reader who is like a total push over? Like could be stabbed in the leg and would apologize to the attacker or like could literally be freezing but would offer their blanket so somebody who has slight chills. If you don’t want to that’s perfectly fine 😊 thank you ❤️

Yes you can! As someone who struggled with people pleasing for a long time & am still unlearning a lot, I really feel this! I didn’t go full apologizing for getting stabbed but hopefully this is a good representation of people pleasing behaviors 😅 Warnings: some blood/violence mentions, mental struggles implied

The Fellowship + People-Pleaser

Aragorn

“Why are we stopping,” you ask, “did you not say make haste?” “It cannot have escaped your notice that you were just stabbed,” Aragorn replies, gently urging you down and dabbing with stinging but necessary force around the bloody tear at your leg. His voice is hard to read- colored with wry amusement, perhaps, concern most definitely. His eyes shine at the sight of you and his gentle touch has heat rushing to your face. “Why do you think we would force you to bear a burden like this?” Struck. That is the only way you can describe the feeling, what his words do to you. You fear so greatly being a burden that the others see it as a poor reflection upon themselves. Like you think them heartless. You shake your head. “I’m sorry. I just- I didn’t want to slow us down since you said what you said. Never would I believe you capable of any great cruelty, Aragorn.” He nods. “That is not my intent.” His words are barely above a whisper now. “Now rest, please. We all could use it.”

Legolas

Shuffling behind you alerts you to another presence cutting like lightning through the spiraling clouds overtaking you. Panicking, you sniff and wipe frantically at your face with your sleeve, unglamorous as the gesture is. Straightening, you try your best to shakily apply the mask again, lips curving upward as much as you could will them. “What troubles you?” Legolas. Somehow it has, until this moment, escaped you that climbing into the trees was no promise of solitude when a woodland elf called your company temporary home. “Oh, nothing,” you say, cursing the waver of your tone, “nothing.” Brows furrowing, he stares pointedly as his dark eyes are soft and does not let his gaze leave. “Please. No burden is ever truly solitary.” Gaping, you try to come up with a rebuttal, feel too broken and melted to speak. Legolas sits at your side, leg brushing yours. “When you are ready, I will listen. There is no shame here. If you wish not to speak, I will simply stay.”

Boromir

Boromir's brows knitted at your repeated apologies. Breathy words of regret passed through your lips between waves of pain. Boromir's arms were around you, his steps shifting to guide you onto your back. Your leg was possibly broken, trampled in the last skirmish to great pain, and he had taken up the task of aiding your steps. “You did not ask for this,” his reply cut into your stream of words, “how can you apologize for actions beyond your control? You fought well, now come and rest.” “Thank you,” you manage, gritting your teeth as he lowered you onto a bedroll. “You are so like my brother sometimes,” Boromir chuckled deeply, smiling down upon your form as he unlaced your boots, “you need not prove your worth, you know. I care about you solely for what is in your heart.”

Gimli

“You can do anything! A great warrior lies within you! Every hit you take makes you stronger!” You had opened up to Gimli about the harsh words spoken to you in your past. The way you had subconsciously learned to live by them. Stay the desire to let people in lest they hurt you. It was exhausting, but you had been called a burden before and did not wish to be one again. Thus you told him to use those words again. You were used to them, after all. But all you received from the dwarf was staunch refusal. Kind words. Rousing words. “You remind me of my own kin,” he continued, “no challenge ever stops a dwarf for long. The fact that you spoke anything at all, naturally, is your first act of resistance. Thus now as you realize your own strength you can practice spitting it back in their face!” You can’t help the laugh that escapes you, but in the flash of joy something else pierces your heart. Gimli immediately took those words as hogwash. Maybe those lessons had not been lessons at all, but hits just as he said. Maybe there was something to be said for rising better from them instead of lying down.

Frodo

“Oh, don’t worry about me,” you give your characteristic response the moment the others check in on you, unwilling to become the burden they could surely see you as. Seeing as how you gave no strong opinions the others nod and continue on. Taking a deep breath, you walk on as well, at least until an arm falls gently across you in restraint. “Why do you always do that?” Frodo asks, eyes imploring. “Do what?” You reply, unsure what you have done to bother him. “Put yourself down so,” he answers, “act like your say has no value. They would stop for you, you know.” “I…I do not wish to be the reason we slow,” you stammer out, voice quieting. Frodo just shakes his head at your words, hand reaching up to grasp your shoulder reassuringly. “Do not doubt our love for you,” he tells you with a small smile, “after all, it is not a thing that is bought and sold.”

Sam

“Oh, Sam,” you hold back a sneeze, “I love them!” “Really?” He doesn’t look convinced, starting to retract the hand holding the flowers giving you the unfortunate reaction. “Of course, why would I not?” Cocking a brow, Sam shot back “Because my mother was always having a bad time with these lot and you just gave the same twinge of your nose as she did. No need to lie over it, I’d love to find you some new ones.” Your face and head fell. “Sam, I am so sorry, truly I-” “You can’t control it,” he chuckled, “besides, the apology is mine if you felt like you needed to lie. You never have to lie to me, ok? We can work it out together.” His eyes shone and all you could do was smile and nod.

Merry

"No, no, really, take it.” Insisting, you hold out your blanket in a shaky hand as you peer beseechingly into Merry’s eyes. His brows furrow faintly, but no annoyance or even confusion crosses his face, only…concern, a look as though you held out your very soul. “You really don’t need to do that, you know.” Now it is your turn for an expression fading into concern, brows knitting at more than just the chill wind whipping the trees. “Do what?” The hobbit places one hand upon his hip, the other giving an accusing little wave. “Offer up your blanket and think to leave yourself none. I thank you, but really. You have needs, too, you know.” Both his face and tone soften upon those words, punctuated with one step closer. “And they’re no less important.” No one said such things to you. Perhaps they even came with some disbelief, a grate on the way down like a wrongly swallowed pill. But the way Merry said it: it was clear to you he believed it, and that fact alone gave you pause. “O-oh. Alright. Thank you,” you replied softly. “Of course. And if you’re really so concerned,” he gave the rakish smile that always had your heart leaping, “we could always share. If you were comfortable, of course.”

Pippin

“Oh, Pippin, I’m so sorry.” “What ever for now?” No malice colors his voice, only pure amusement and its usual jolly lilt. He peers at you with brows raised and green eyes wide as you glance down. “I’ve got to reach over you really quickly here.” “That’s it?” “Well, I was getting in your way and-” “If that is getting in my way, do your worst. In fact, you don’t have to be sorry. You don’t have to be sorry for accidentally stepping in front of me, either, or not realizing you spoke at the same time as me… wait,” stopping., Pippin gapes at you, “do you think I don’t like you? I assure you, nothing could be further from the truth!” Your heart flipped. How could he even consider that you would think that? You just felt like you were in the way all the time. Apologizing was something you always had done. Just in case. “Oh, no, I just…. Well, I suppose it’s silly,” you trailed off. “Oh, no,” Pippin grabbed your faltering hand with a shake of his head and a grin on his face, “no more apologizing on my watch, alright?”

[hexagonalhavoc]

Hex characters pride month headcanons 

[Author’s Note: Happy pride month! I hope all of you have a good and safe month, I thought this would be fun to make. These are my own personal headcanons and won’t affect my writings, feel free to request any character with any gender!

Also sorry I’ve been gone lately, ya girl got her first job 😎]

Lionel: 

I feel like he grew up in a conservative family so he has some repressed feelings and views that he has to unlearn. 

I could see him being bi but being in denial about it for a very long time.

When his career starts to fail and he fades into obscurity that’s probably when he stops caring and becomes more open about who he is. 

It’s a shame he dies before he starts fully embracing it. 

Rip Lionel 😔

Carla: 

Carla is a lot more self aware and in tune with herself so she figures herself out pretty easily and when she does it’s not too much of a shock to her. 

I see her as being pansexual

Probably goes by she/they too. 

On her social media she’s super outspoken about it but irl she’s more on the down low.

Although she will talk about her love life in front of Lionel just to piss him off and rub in that she’s dated more girls than he has.

Reggie: 

He doesn’t care for much for labels. He doesn’t put much thought into it, he just likes who he likes. (Jeremiah)

Reggie is everyone’s supportive grandpa. Even if he doesn’t understand what one of his patrons may identify as he tries to learn and hears about their experiences. 

Honestly as long as the patrons are onboard with his revenge plan he doesn’t care who they are. 

As long as you can kill Lionel you’re loved and accepted in his inn. 

Jeremiah:

Pansexual demiromantic but if someone asks what his sexuality he just gives them the death stare because he hates talking about himself. 

He has a hard time opening up and working with people so you can probably imagine how long it takes him to become romantically interested in someone. 

It doesn’t help that he’ll most likely push away the people he cares about because as much as he wants it he’s still scared of being loved. 

Poor boy needs a hug 

Chef Bryce: 

Honestly I could see him being gay and just not realizing it. When he does realize it he’s pretty chill about it. 

I can imagine him taking break out of the oven and then all of the sudden he goes. “I might be gay.” And then moves on with his day. 

He hasn’t really had time to think about his feelings so he isn’t really sure and it’s probably going to take him forever to figure out what aligns best with him. 

Lazarus & Chandrelle:

Putting them together so I can say they’re t4t. 

Chandrelle is straight while Lazarus is pan. 

They seem like they would be judgmental but they really don’t care. They’re just living their own lives. 

And after everything they’ve been through I feel like they’re finally able to have a healthy relationship when Lionel is dead and they live in the real world.

Sado: 

Genderfluid pansexual who’s come to wreak havoc on the world. 

If someone were to ask what she identifies as she would tell them to “guess :)” 

Sado loves to shape shift so she’s constantly doing things to alter her appearance which includes gender fuckery. 

Irving: 

Aro ace but in denial about it. 

Even though he probably wouldn’t be in a relationship if he wasn’t aromantic it still stresses him out when he’s alone. 

He’d probably think queer platonic relationships are silly until he’s actually in one.

If he was a real person he’d be that person who brags about having a lot of sex when in reality he’s never been intimate with anyone and wants to keep it that way. 

First Person Perspective: 

No one really knows what he is including himself and he doesn’t really care that much. 

Everyone thinks he’s judgmental but he silently supports everyone. 

Rust McClain: 

I’ve seen some people headcanon him as bisexual and asexual and I can see that. 

Unlike Irving it’s not like he has a distaste for intimacies but it just isn’t his thing. 

Rust is pretty open about being bi too, he doesn’t really care who knows and it’s not something that bothers him. 

He’s the supportive father everyone deserves like it doesn’t matter what you are he’s got your back. 

Rebecha:

Very chill lesbian. 

If you’re friends with her you probably hear her make a lot of gay jokes but with strangers she doesn’t really say anything. 

I think her vibes give it away though. 

[ellekhen]

Hand, Hearth, and Home

Chapter 43 - A Touch of Fate

Chapter Summary: After the party fends off an unkindness of shadow-cursed ravens, an ally helps them find a safe place to rest. In this much-needed sanctuary, Church and his companions find a precious moment to heal with each other. However, as another day begins in the Shadowlands, Fate begins to reveal its hand to the tiefling warlock and his friends.

Pairing(s): Astarion x Male Tav (Main); Past OC x Male Tav Rating: Explicit Length: 207K+ words; Chapters 43/65

Excerpt below:

Church’s arm twitches up reflexively, but he stops himself and drops it before Astarion can again flinch away from the touch. 

But Astarion catches it this time, gazing into the tiefling’s eyes as he guides the tiefling’s hand to rest against his shoulder. 

…and the icy pang of the memory already begins to melt away.

“Sorry,” Church says sheepishly. “It’s an instinct I’m trying to unlearn. I know we got carried away last time with the horn balm and… I know physical affection isn’t comfortable for you and that’s alright. We don’t have to do anything you don’t like—”

“—but I do like it,” Astarion blurts. “When it’s you,” he clarifies hastily. “It feels… safe… when it’s you.”

Church blinks up at him. “Are you sure?”

Ugh, those stupid, wide bright eyes…

Astarion falls forward to wrap his arms around the tiefling, burying his face into the warmth of his shoulder. Church gasps a little under his fervor as the elf’s hands move deliberately — slowly — over his back. 

“I like this,” Astarion says simply as his hands come to rest against Church’s shoulder blades. The pads of his fingers absently begin to rub circles where the tiefling’s vestigial wings flex beneath his skin. 

“…and besides, for gods’ sake!” the elf blusters. “Who are you to claim you ‘know’ what I want?”

“I’m sorry,” Church says meekly, eyes flicking away in shame. “I didn’t mean…”

“Yes, yes,” Astarion mutters impatiently. “Now, are you going to make me beg for you to do this back or what?”

There’s a beat before Church huffs a laugh, carefully wrapping his arms around the elf’s waist. He smooths his warm hands along Astarion’s back — ever-so-mindful of where his scars sit beneath his clothing. 

The two men hold each other. 

Breathing. 

Waiting. 

Thinking. 

“I can’t believe I missed out on so many opportunities to do this with you,” Astarion grumbles finally. “It’s… actually nice, it’s…”

“But it didn’t seem that way, back then,” Church whispers. “It annoyed you. It scared you…”

Astarion scoffs bitterly. “Darling… every time someone has ever held me like this, they were either my victim about to die… or Cazador.”

Church pulls away, staring at him with anguish. “Oh. Shit…”  

To Astarion’s exasperation, he can hear the tiefling’s heart begin to race as Church stammers, “Oh love, I’m so sorry… I didn’t…!”

“You’re neither of those things, of course,” Astarion interjects quickly. “But just know that it wasn’t ever that I was disgusted with you. Not… exactly, anyway.”

He sighs, experimentally holding up and examining Church’s hand as the tiefling continues to watch him apprehensively. 

“I believe I was disgusted with… myself,” Astarion grimaces. “After all, I was made to be touched. And to touch like no one else. And for nearly two centuries, that touch has been… poison.

“Was, poison,” he corrects himself. “But now?”

He presses Church’s hand against his cheek, blinking slowly up at the tiefling. 

“It’s a salve,” Astarion says softly. “I think every moment that I get to do this willingly… I feel just a little more alive.”

Church searches his face, hand trembling upon the elf’s cheek as his thumb tentatively begins to stroke the skin there. 

“Are you telling me the truth? Or just what I want to hear?” the tiefling asks — a hesitant, hopeful smile tugging upon his lips. 

“Well, it’s my truth,” Astarion huffs. “If it also happens to be what you want to hear, then…” he shrugs. “I suppose I got lucky.”

He looks back at Church, again nuzzling against his hand. “So, darling. Can I… try more?”

Read from the beginning!

[aspd-culture]

is guilt-based anxiety (example: scared of being a burden), depression (example: feeling guilty for being alive, for being a burden and all that low self-esteem nonsense) and guilt/moral-based ocd (example: feeling like youre an abuser or committed a heinous crime that you didnt commit, like S/A-OCD or P-OCD), or themes of guilt in schz (example: delusions where you think youre guilty of having done something you havent, like murder for instance, or hallucinations of voices who encourage the themes stated in the example i gave for depression) or ptsd/trauma (example: for experiencing trauma) etc. possible in aspd? and/or how would these things present in someone with aspd (as opposed to someone without aspd? people w/o ASPD (generally) feel a lot of (genuine) guilt and remorse and i experience... walmart-brand guilt. i feel anxious and "guilty" but only because of 1. whatever remnants of christian doctrination is in my brain 2. my phobias 3. my need for control, or 4. a byproduct of my mental illnesses. (probably a learned thought process for me - its not really natural for me, not really out of care for others (unless you count ocd), and the thought pattern is what ive been told throughout my life/otherwise originated from others)

All of that is very possible and actually very relevant to my experience as a pwASPD, as well as OCD, PTSD, and religious trauma. Hopefully that means I can give you a relatively in-depth explanation of what this feels like for me firsthand.

So all of these types of Great Value guilt are moreso examples of shame. Religious trauma causes shame, guilt OCD is generally a misnomer for shame, and shame is a *major* symptom of clinical depression and of PTSD. Shame is a more personal take on guilt, in that it affects your opinion of who you are as a person, and it can (and often does) exist outside of actually having done something wrong both in prosocials and pwASPD. Guilt is an instinct when you have done something wrong to admit it and work to change the behavior in the future and make up for the harm it caused or had the potential to cause. Shame doesn’t care if you’ve actually wronged anyone nor does it care if you change the behavior in the future - and it doesn’t believe you can *ever* make up for it. Shame says you are a terrible horrible no-good very bad person because of *insert reason* and for that you must work your ass off to try to be redeemed while knowing you are never ever going to be. Shame is irrational while guilt is (considered by prosocials to be) rational.

In pwASPD, shame tends to be polarizing. I have talked to pwASPD who felt shame *much* more intensely because they had no experience with guilt to temper it, so the feeling was entirely foreign (this is how I experience it, although I’ve done some work to unlearn that), and I’ve met other pwASPD who can completely ignore the feeling of shame because they can easily identify it as not beneficial and therefore ignore it. I think part of it depends on how you take on things like ableism as well - it seems to correlate that people who don’t internalize any ableism are better at pushing away feelings of shame, whilst people like me who struggle with internalizing ableism are more distressed by shame.

It’s also worth noting that shame specifically associated with PTSD from the same place that led to the ASPD (so in other words, related to childhood trauma) can end up being the pwASPD’s only definition of guilt, and feel very all-encompassing because of that. They may feel haunted by any little thing they do that would have been wrong in the eyes of the person who caused the trauma. This can result in a pwASPD who is very timid and/or shows few symptoms. In my case, issues with this led me to lean away from the more obvious symptoms of my ASPD, which is why I had to fight myself on whether or not I truly had it before I was diagnosed. I was fairly meek for most of my life, and the classic behaviors many pwASPD experience like violent outbursts leading to breaking things and/or hurting animals or other children, breaking rules and defying authority, etc. was, for me, replaced by the more covert versions of those things. I broke things - but they were my things that I knew wouldn’t be missed. I would get bursts of rage and take it out on things I knew could take it or that I could excuse as being lost, or better yet, things that could have easily been broken by other means. For example, I had a tendency to break pencils when I was angry, so I would intentionally pick up any pencils I found on the floor at school and break *those* when I was angry, and for the same reason I washed and saved popsicle sticks “for arts and crafts”. I fell into the manipulation and deception (besides of my main caregiver who is an Exception) side more than the rule-breaking and violence side due to that trauma. The shame for the actions was something I could only tolerate if I could tell myself “nobody but you knows what you did” or “the only thing you broke are things that don’t mean anything to anybody and would be in the trash otherwise”.

I would say the biggest thing that pwASPD dealing with that intense shame feeling would do differently than most other pwASPD is to appear more “in control”. ASPD forms from trauma, so if that traumatic shame (and yes, growing up with OCD without knowing it and without having safe support *is* very often traumatic) is constantly beating on you as a part of the trauma, certain symptoms may not show up the same way as they would for someone where they didn’t have that. It’s not the same as not doing something because you can control the urge/impulse - what I’ve described here is just redirection of said impulse - and it’s not the same as feeling guilt. It’s a symptom of one or multiple other disorders playing in tandem with the ASPD symptoms.

As for how pwASPD deal with this shame compared to prosocials, I would say that it has the potential seriously numb us in a way that it doesn’t to prosocials. Generally, prosocials have a better idea of how to identify between the feelings of guilt vs shame, which is how most of them learn to recognize and act on one while not taking in the other. At the point where they can’t, it usually creates an anxiety disorder on top of whatever is causing the shame. In pwASPD however, if we feel shame like this, it often makes us even *less* receptive to the feeling of true guilt. For those of us who easily ignore the shame, guilt just gets lumped in with that and they move on, and for those of us that internalize the shame, guilt pales in comparison and we don’t see it as intrusive enough to listen to.

All of this is, as always, fairly anecdotal, but this is how I experience it combined with how people I have talked to describe it. It’s worth noting that many elitists will claim that feeling shame means you can’t have ASPD. I simply do not have the bandwidth to go into the details of *how ridiculous* that is right now, but it is in no way true. There is zero reason, in my opinion, to say that a symptom of another disorder cannot exist at the same time as ASPD. Afaik, there is currently no disorder that excludes you from the diagnosis of ASPD. The only disorders that even come close are bipolar disorder, schizophrenia/other disorders causing psychosis, and substance abuse disorder - but none of these truly exclude you from an ASPD diagnosis, they just require extra examination to make sure the symptoms do not only occur when manic, in psychosis, or while h1gh/drvnk respectively.

Sorry if this is a bit of a novel, I’m getting used to being back and trying to be concise again.

[anotherfallenchild]

Good Omens Brainrot has set in so I’m purging some Thoughts™

I think the core of it is Crowley and Aziraphale love each other complexly and uniquely.

For Crowley he would literally put himself physically on the line (and has many times) for Aziraphale, love is to die protecting the one you love. He would sacrifice himself in a heartbeat to keep him safe.

Crowley has come to the realisation that Aziraphale is so very special, there’s no one like him and he’s the only one who sees the questioning in Crowley’s nature and doesn’t immediately dismiss him (or punish him) for it. Crowley wants to be seen and be loved for himself, but he has deep issues with trust, trauma from heaven and the fear he might drive Aziraphale away with how he is not good enough for him (in his mind). Crowley is even scandalised at the thought he would treat Aziraphale as a flippant liaison when Nina mentions it ‘he deserves better than that’ is the thought.

We often see Aziraphale subtly prod Crowley to reveal his true (often good) intentions especially towards humans (he seems big and scary on the outside but deeply cares for humans as much as Aziraphale).

Love for Aziraphale is something that is natural for him and broadly reaching (his love for heaven, his love for humans, his love for god, his love for Crowley) but he struggles with the balance of his love in conflict: how can he love God and heaven but also defy them ? How can he love Crowley but also acknowledge and see him as the demon he is. How can he reconcile the Crowley he knew as an Angel and the punishment he received from his god and heaven that he loves?

So we can see that love for Aziraphale is a struggle - a dichotomy of perception and reality - he loves the perceived reality of heaven and the surrounding angels as agents of god enacting good - but that clashes with the reality of heavens will to create the apocalypse on earth causing great potential pain and suffering to humans that he loves (gods creations that she commanded the angels to love more than her - hence lucifer’s fall).

He KNOWS Crowley is good and kind and capable of love, but he wants justice for him and for the balance to be restored (Crowley gaining back his place in heaven that was unfairly taken). However Crowley perceives this as him being ‘not enough’ as he is, and that for Aziraphale to love him he must change to fit the standards of heaven.

Wrapped up in all this is also the concept of love and shame. Breaking through the propaganda and brainwashing of heaven to see that reality isn’t as binary, isn’t as black and white and that shades of grey can exist and thrive, is incredibly difficult. There’s the shame of sin, of disobedience, of consorting with ‘the enemy’ but deeper down it’s also the fear of what his light/ attention being brought to Crowley will mean for his safety.

It seems Aziraphale is still trying to unlearn fully his idealised conceptions of what heaven can be and what it’s role is, vs Crowley has decided the whole system is fucked and it’s time they made their own morals and choices.

So many of the mini past escapades have this lesson, that while morality may seem easy and just initially to do the ‘right’ thing as it’s perceived by the will and rules of heaven, reality is complex and there’s no way to blanket apply to every situation nor is that just or moral, in fact it often hurts more people in the process.

So we have two idiots both desperately trying to love and save each other, while trying to unlearn eons of conditioning, shame and self loathing (let’s not forget that love of self immolation pervasive in Christian narrative where the ultimate act of love is shown to be dying for others, martyrism is a dangerous precedent )

Crowley goes too fast so he made it to the realisation quicker - he’s always been one to question the party line - that they don’t need ‘sides’ they only need their ‘us’.

Aziraphale wants to give Crowley heaven (he doesn’t want it) but Crowley just wants them to be an ‘us’, being together as they are is already heaven to him.

[csuitebitches]

How do you detach from things that are not meant for you or no longer serve you? I've trained my mind and been telling myself about this but something in me still holds onto it.

Detachment is something that I’ve been exploring for years. I’m not a pro at it, but I will share what I’ve learned.

Detachment doesn’t mean you stop caring or the whole “I don’t give a fuck attitude.” I think that’s why a lot of people struggle with detachment because they try to achieve the wrong meaning which is humanly impossible. How can you not care at all? Is that even possible? If you manage to achieve that then you must be in a vegetable state.

Detachment, my guru told me, means you can have possessions - but do not be possessive of them. Think over this sentence for a bit; how do you infer it?

I grew up as a very sensitive, very emotional child and teenager. I was very emotionally swayed by things and I would get hurt very easily. I didn’t know how to detach in a healthy manner, so I tried certain things that ultimately worked for me.

Number one is admitting the truth as it is. Let me give you an example. My last serious relationship was over 3 years ago. It wasn’t a bad relationship, we just weren’t compatible.

Whenever people asked me why we broke up, I’d blame him. It was him. His fault. He said this. He did that.

But for a couple of years, (even though I wasn’t in love with him anymore), I still couldn’t somehow close that chapter.

For me step one was admitting that yes, he messed up, but so did I. I wasn’t any less to blame than he was.

Thinking this way initially messed me up a lot because my ego and anger was so entangled with this situation that I couldn’t bear the thought of me being wrong. I had to unlearn that.

That’s what detachment is to me - learn, unlearn and relearn.

Step two in my case, was actively working towards being a better person - noting down my weak areas, what I bring to the table, etc. I stayed single for years. I didn’t date seriously after and I still haven’t, but a few initial dates I went on - I knew I was a better person as a partner than what I once was.

Step three was time. Closure takes time. It doesn’t happen overnight. There were often times I’d feel stabs of guilt, shame or embarrassment at my past behaviour - but I would continuously tell myself, I’m better now. I am a better person now. I don’t wish badly on him at all.

Step four was being able to talk about it to my friends. It took a lot out of me to say that I knew I had messed up. My friends were supportive of me, because they knew it was hard for me to admit something like that.

Detaching from things takes time. To detach, you really have to connect to your inner Self.

In the case of people. Love should be without attachment. We fall in love with people, get possessive of them, attached to them, affected by them - we have made them a bigger priority than anything else. We don’t trust them enough to step back and love them without attachment because we fear that they will break our heart or abuse our trust.

In the case of situations. We get emotionally attached to certain situations - a much yearned job position, a need to have a certain lifestyle, an ex partner- we place some of our identity in these situations.

“I want the job” or “I want to project a certain image of luxury” - there’s a need, a want, a desire. When we don’t receive what we want, it’s painful because we are attached to that.

How do you connect to your inner Self?

I turned to spirituality. It helped me heal, it helped me grow. It’s still helping me find myself and guide me.

Here’s a spiritual article that helped me.

Remember, everything is a process. Find what works for you and stay consistent.

[irkimatsu]

If you feel like writing that fic in full please go for it. People will always find a reason to be mad but you shouldn’t take it to heart. There’s fics and spaces for huskerdust shippers and you writing a piece of fic shouldn’t affect them. It’s hard to unlearn the inherent shame we’re taught that if we like something it’s wrong, but this should be a space where you get to do you and enjoy it. I don’t think I’m the only one, but I know I’d love to read it should you choose to write it. It’s up to you, but please don’t hold yourself back on account of others. You shouldn’t hold back your enjoyment to appease others, especially if they can’t be mature enough to recognize their opinions and interests aren’t the only that matter.

Do what makes you happy.

- 💃

Thank you very much, Salsa anon. <3 God, my brain is stupid, there's so much crap going on in there... (On a related note, I did get your message about Husk calling out Reader's shitty family, and I'd like to answer that one but will have to do so when I'm more capable of not dumping about my own bullshit. Daddy issues, mommy issues, issues issues issues!)

I think my main worry is that people will misread my intentions? Like I'm calling Husk/Angel objectively wrong or something...? And I have been in way too many fandoms with a weird approach of "if you don't like the popular gay ship it's because you have some bigotry you need to unlearn because clearly that's the only reason you wouldn't like a gay ship". Even if I know that's bullshit, I don't need it taking over my inbox, or worse, I definitely don't need to be doxxed over silly fandom opinions. Even if it hasn't happened to me personally, I forever live in fear.

And maybe my own intentions aren't necessarily great... those thoughts were born from "there's a lot of Husk/Angel on my dash right now, and I don't want to block it because Husk's end of things is always so cute and people tend to use the tag on images that Husk isn't even in, and besides 95% of the time I can deal with it... but 5% of the time, Insecurity Central". Fic written over insecurity about my "boyfriend" who isn't even real. What is this shit?

God, I'm rambling. Maybe I will write it someday. It'll definitely only happen if I feel I can do Angel justice, though. I do love Angel individually, don't get me wrong, and I want so badly to see him happy. But I also want to fuck his canon love interest. It's complicated.

[lupi-usque-ad-finem]

I stumbled on your blog.. and it’s comforting? I’ve been otherkin for a long time back in like- gods years now and truthfully heavy discourse about me being otherkin back then made me feel disconnected- and only recently I’ve more or less rediscovered & reconnected to it.. but I’ve finally discovered I’m wolfkin? I always displayed traits and habits of a wolf, always making dens and sleeping in dark places, enjoying nature and I think my favorite is chewing meat off a bone and always howling! There’s more but that’s just the small gist of it-

But honestly I don’t know why I felt so awkward.. because it just cropped up? I’ve been suppressing it more than I should and maybe it was just past trauma and shame- I’ve been afraid to admit what I really am..? My own mate reassures me that I’ve always been like this but.. It’s not that I don’t believe him I guess.. it’s just the embarrassment and trauma of people finding out what and who I really am that I’m afraid I’ll get backed into a corner that I’ll need to bite and fight my way out again.

I think- I’m just looking for some form of advice on how to feel comfortable in my own pelt again? What I can do to just feel like me again.. it’s been uncomfortable hiding what and who I truly am..

For one I’m so thankful my blog can give you comfort, it’s why I made it in the first place :’) and two, I completely understand. this part of yourself can both be empowering yet startling, especially if you were shamed or bullied for it. I also subconsciously kept my therianthropy hidden from myself for about two years, but it was always there. As I grew I figured I had two options of what to do about it:

1. ignore it, step back, walk away—but then you’d just be back where you started. nothing would change. you wouldn’t change, and that shameful fear would grow.

OOOORRR and the much better option:

2. spend time with yourself, by yourself, and your identity(s). learn the words and recognise the experiences of who and what you are, for what you feel has always been there for you, regardless if you knew it or not. fear is not what rules you. wolves are not ruled by fear.

You’ve also been backed into a corner like I was for so long. For me, it was my schooling administration that failed me. I was bullied relentlessly for 12 years, and the shame was palpable. If you’re in the thick of it, let me be the one to assure you that the harshness of your peers is not what the world is like. The people in this world can be cruel, but the world itself can show you the love you never had. As it appears to me you have a support system in your mate (congratulations btw!!), and with that you can build off it. Growing from inward out is the best way, but sometimes a little outward reassurance is what jumpstarts it.

People will always mock, hell some still mock me, but it doesn’t affect me near as badly as when I was a cub. I’ve found that much of said mocking is guided by fear and especially ignorance. They fear the inability to be affected negatively by others that many proud otherkins, alterhumans, therians, etc. have carefully cultivated in themselves. I’m 22 now, and I’m finally back as proud as little 10 year old me was in my therianthropy.

For me now I have my handlers and friends who accept me, but it definitely wasn’t always that way. Its taken a long time to unlearn the trauma and heartache of being the ‘other’, however that ‘other’ part was there for me no matter what. It curled its tail around me, rested its head in my lap, and comforted me when even I could not. That ‘otherness’ watched out for me, guarded me, protected me, kept me alive and warm. It assured me I was not wrong or damaged or broken. It’s known me before I ever did. It came with me into this life and it’s made living more than anything I could have imagined. I never thought I could have not one but TWO handlers that care for me and love me as their canine companion, learn the words to express how I feel, my animalistic behaviour never belittled and instead encouraged, yet I do.

I aim to be a living example that this existence isn’t a joke or fairytale, and to be the one little me needed when they felt alone for others. Otherkinness comes from within, it’s part of you, and only needs your permission to let it be. It won’t force itself into your life, that’ll be your choice. Some people will never understand, but it’s not up to you to make them. Let them self reflect, that’s not your job. Your only job, should you choose to take it (and you really should :3), is to appreciate your otherness and grow alongside it.

It has loved you the whole time.

[tadpolesonalgae]

Body Talk

Warnings: talking about physical bodies, bmi weight, body talk

Okay, I’m not used to doing this but it’s honestly been hitting me so hard recently and It’s making me angry. I’ve been biting my tongue for a couple of months now because I don’t want to force my opinions on the people who will read this - I don’t want that to be the point of my account. I don’t know if it’s because summer’s on the way so I’m more aware of my body and how others talk about it, but it’s relating to ‘positivity’, and how some people seem to just miss the point of it entirely and end up doing more harm than good.

For me, the whole point of body positivity is enabling people to accept themselves as they are. The whole, “you’re perfect no matter what” feels toxic. It’s diverting attention away from accepting people’s natural form and instead perpetuating the cycle of focusing on the unattainable goal of perfection. Loving yourself and your body is about being who you are instead of trying to convince yourself you’re pretty or beautiful no matter what. Part of body positivity is accepting that some people won’t see you as physically attractive and that’s okay because it’s your goddamn body and that is not its purpose.

I don’t want to make this too long so I’ll try and get straight to the point. Some of you might disagree so please just hear my explanation before you jump to a conclusion. My asks are open if you want to talk more about this or feel I’m being unfair at all.

Anyone can suffer from body dysphoria, and this is not limited to fat/overweight people as commonly portrayed in some media. It includes those who are skinny/underweight, and those who have a healthy BMI. Telling a skinny person they need to eat more or telling a fat person they need to eat less can be equally toxic, and this is not limited to the previously mentioned body descriptions (telling a skinny person to eat less, telling a fat person to eat more, commenting on someone’s diet regardless of their weight, etc.). In both cases there can be underlying health factors that come into play regarding their physical body, and criticising how they look - even if you think you’re helping - is not it.

Personally, while there is still a lot to unlearn in terms of how a female/male/general body ‘should look’, and much more to improve upon relating to not being toxic or shaming anyone for their figure, some people get too caught up in taking that in one specific direction.

There are people out there who think being physically unhealthy is limited to being overweight, and there are some people out there who will support body positivity until it’s someone who doesn’t fit into their selected aesthetic, trying to become comfortable with themself.

Saying things like, “that doesn’t look healthy”, “you should eat more”, “you should eat less” can massively impact a person and it goes both ways. Anyone can experience body dysphoria even if, to you, they have an ideal figure and there’s nothing for them to be insecure about.

Please, for the love of god, I would like people to be more aware about the language they use and how they can inadvertently be putting people down while raising others up.

[ignorethisemma]

Dream support and appreciation

not that this post will reach anyone at all, let alone someone willing to read a dream defense essay, but in light of all the dream negativity lately, i just want to clearly express why i support and love his content and also respect him so much as an actual human being. LONG thread btw, sorry 😵‍💫

1. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY! dealing with controversies

nobody’s born woke, obviously. dream’s open about the fact that he was a middle class white boy who grew up in florida; of course he was going to be raised somewhat conservatively and not very exposed to diverse perspectives. and of course through his years of creating content—since when he was a child—he has done and said plenty of things i don’t agree with or even just think he could’ve handled a little bit better. but that’s not the deal breaker for me.

dream never shies away from apologizing and taking full accountability for his actions, even the ones from years and years in the past. and sure, sometimes you can tell it’s difficult for him to own up, but that’s human, and i honestly can’t fault him at all for it. but what really sealed the deal for me was that hasan abi stream—hasan, who’s actually so woke lol, and they’d had tension on twitter until dream decided to come on stream and talk it all out. in that ONE stream, you could actually see dream actively growing and expanding his perspective and shape his views and opinions?? i don’t think he gets enough credit for this at all.

when i outgrow my old and often misguided beliefs, it is an active and constant battle. i have to convince myself and consciously choose to let my old beliefs go, and with that, a lot of my pride and stubbornness, and mould and shape and mould and shape until i eventually am able to accept that i’ve grown for the better. it is a long, difficult, sometimes painful and humiliating process. i need time; to unlearn, to let go, to swallow my pride and deal with the shame of having been wrong, to introspect and then talk it through and hear from people whose opinions i trust, and then finally realize my new opinions. dream was doing this in a huge platform, with the pressure of his status and in front of a live audience that was ready to pick him apart in ONE stream. he was listening to and learning from hasan. it was difficult, but it was happening, and you can actually see the moments he lets his defensiveness go (which i also can’t fault him for considering his internet reception) and really grow into his thoughts more. i don’t think i could do that now—nevermind if i was a white boy from florida.

and you can see how much dream continues to progress and grow and change so quickly! i can’t even compare him to who he was last year or the year before, because that’s how fast he’s growing and learning. that’s the moment i gained so much respect for him. and i see this so often in a lot of his online presence. sure, he’s not perfect, and i have no doubt there’ll be more moments i don’t entirely agree with him, but how can i hold that against him when i can’t imagine anything that could be as deserving of respect as this is? when it’s undeniable that he is purposefully taking advantage of his platform to educate and better himself?

2. not rlly smthn he specifically did, ig, but his views on sexuality made me lose it

i won’t go too much into it, but his views on sexuality and also just, relationships with close friends. i’m just so grateful to him. i’m a lesbian, but i do have some turbulence with my sexuality, identity, how others perceive me or their idea on how sexuality should work. but the way dream approaches his and also clearly explains his views when he’s comfortable really helped shape and develop my own views on mine. when he said it’s hard for him to identify with even one label a little bit more than another, because he feels it’s so much more complex than that and he doesn’t know how to compress it to just one word—something slipped out of place in me.

i won’t talk about all the nuances of my current perceptions on sexuality, mine or as a whole, but i respect him so much for this, and it was absolutely heartbreaking when every attempt dream’s made at seriously addressing his sexuality has been met with the assumption of insincerity. i honestly see a lot of similarities in our outlooks and situations in all of this, and i’m just so grateful and appreciative of him for helping me get a stronger footing of who i am.

3. he’s just a silly, goofy little guy

he’s just so fun and entertaining to watch. i love him, i love his friends, i love watching them dick around with each other. i love how close they are. and i’m so excited to see more of it now in the new era. his videos are so funny and i always look forward to them. simple as that.

4. i have a dumb little cat who reminds me a lot of patches. i have a parasocial relationship with patches specifically. my cat, too, drools on me when she’s sleepy and is a little challenged in the braincells apartment. patches my shining star

anyway that’s it i just wanted to get this out there. i have a lot on my mind and it’s been really hard to see a creator i care about get dragged so much both online and by people i know. i just need to defend my boy a little here—especially since i’ve long thought he’s been held to a ridiculous standard and pedestal and is kinda undeservingly the easy punch for so many online communities. so: i love u dream, i’m so proud of u for face revealing, i’m so proud of you for a lot more than just face revealing, and i’m so excited to see what comes next. (also my best friend and i guessed pre-reveal u’d kinda look like sapnap but just in a different font and i’m so sorry. i’m so sorry but i think we kinda nailed that one. it’s like papyrus to garamond istg. but that’s just confirmation that now there’s three pretty best friends <3)

[polyamorouspunk]

hi! I'm a punk going out into the world soon (aka graduating high school) and I'd really appreciate any general life tips you have, whether it be financial or social or genuinely anything.

thank you so much!

1. While graduating high school is a huge social shift, in reality you’re ever-growing and ever-changing as a person. You know that cringe stuff you did as a freshman and a sophomore? Well in 3 years you’re going to look at yourself now ~17 y/o and be like “wow that was some dumb shit!”

2. On that note, you’re messing up. You’re constantly fucking up. It happens. Even after high school minor things still feel like the end of the world (or maybe just when you have bpd) but chances are you’re just tired, stressed, overworked, etc. honestly we say “everything is a crisis when you’re in high school” like yeah? You’re restricted to when you can eat meaning you’re often hungry, you don’t get enough sleep, you’re forced to do a ton of work, constantly socially shamed and shamed if you don’t understand something, like yeah when you’re that consistently high-strung and in a constant state of stress of course everything feels like the end of the world.

3. You still hold problematic beliefs you need to unlearn. You’re messing up, like I said. You’re going to say and post things now that are NOT going to age well. It happens. It’s not the end of the world.

4. You know when you’re 5 and you’re like ‘when I’M an adult, I’m going to eat ice cream for BREAKFAST EVERY DAY!’? The appeal of that wears off when you’re older. It’s great to have the freedom to do something if you want, and you’ll act on that, but having that freedom makes it a lot less tempting, especially when you’re old enough to understand the consequences. There’s a reason we all aren’t aren’t eating ice cream for breakfast every day. But some of us are eating ice cream for breakfast some times.

5. You now have much more free time. After a while you might not know what to do with all that free time. You might sit on the couch and scroll on tumblr for hours if you don’t already. You aren’t wasting time. You have the time to be able to do that now. Enjoy it.

6. Relationships take actual effort to maintain after high school. They take actual planning.

7. It’s actually a lot easier to commit crimes than you think.

8. It’s fine to do drugs just do them smartly. Same with changing the song while you’re driving.

9. People don’t actually change after high school, and there’s a chance someplace you end up working or going to school is going to be just like that. It sucks.

10. Hindsight is 20/20 especially when trying I figure out if you should have been nicer or meaner.

11. The best therapy you’ll ever get is in a chair in a tattoo parlor with someone stabbing you.

12. Real therapy is expensive, hair dye is cheaper and lasts longer, but it does not give you the tools to help solve your problems, only make you feel better about them in the short term.

13. “If you don’t like your therapist get a new one” but literally no one is ever taking patients these days so if you don’t like your therapist you’re probably stuck with them tbh.

[smokedanced]

@collidingxworlds said: 8, 18, 28 (mun talks about a munday topic)

send a number for me to talk about one of the following topics    /    ACCEPTING ↷

reblog karma :: I prefer if people reblog from the source regardless of if they send me a meme or not (unless maybe ooc memes because it’s fun to send some back if they sent me some and reblogged from me and I notice that), but I’m not that bothered about it if people reblog from me and don’t send stuff, unless it’s non-mutuals/happens all the time excessively. I definitely prefer people to not send something out of obligation. I’ve seen folks talk about how they "know" people reblogged because they saw the meme "on their blog" even if they reblogged from the source and I think that’s... way too far, like, so what if they saw it from you and sent nothing if they reblogged from source/a meme blog? I understand wanting mutuals to interact with you and I agree that everyone would do well with making a little bit more effort to engage with their mutuals (liking gifsets and such is such a low effort way of signaling you value someone on your dash for example if you don’t have it in you to interact ic or talk), I don’t understand why anyone would want to be sent memes the other mun had no true interest in. I think everyone is entitled to their own rules with this, and I reblog from source on default, if available, unless I know the other mun prefers I reblog from them instead.

shipping :: Taking this to refer to romantic/sexual shipping. I love to ship! I hate that even I feel the need to say that "I am not here for ships only", as if simply saying I love shipping meant that that’s all I want from roleplay... I think the rpc as a whole should keep trying to unlearn any shame related to shipping, and I think that shame comes from misogyny. Romance in fiction is often both marketed towards women, and we automatically view romcoms, harlequin novels, etc. as "lesser" than, not real art/literature, shallow (which... there’s nothing wrong with something just being lighthearted entertainment, it doesn’t decrease the value of the work)... It’s not a coincidence the things commonly associated with "types of fiction women engage with" are seen as less valuable. It’s probably the source of the subtle feeling of "writing platonic dynamics is superior" in the rpc. It’s more internalised (you don’t have to be a woman to have internalised misogyny - I am not a woman and I’ve noticed these types of shame in myself) than anyone actually saying that about what other people write. My saying "I want to ship but I’m not here for only that" comes from shame related to internalised misogyny, just the feeling of needing to defend shipping by signaling that it’s not all you write is likely related to internalised misogyny. Being more nervous about asking if the other mun is interested in shipping than if they’re interested in a friendship interaction is likely related to internalised misogyny... Again: because romance as a genre is associated with being "for women", and systemic misogyny. Why else would it feel more shameful to suggest writing with another mun? Why should it?

Bet you all didn’t expect a social commentary on misogyny’s effect on fiction-

I love shipping, and I wish I were more bold in daring to suggest shipping. I think force shipping and not taking a no for an answer is a much, much smaller scale issue in the rpc than the shame related to wanting to ship. Like, on an individual level the former is a worse thing, but I don’t think it’s as prevalent as the internalised shame about ships.

your first muse :: Off tumblr? That goes so far back no one needs to see that; I don’t remember who exactly was my first private muse but I was about 14 years old and in many RPF fandoms so...

On tumblr, it was actually Iris, whom I write on this blog now; my first rp blog here was for her. Her character begun with an idea to make a Doctor Who OC who was manipulated into trying to assassinate the Doctor (which still remains a potential verse; wink wonk folks). This was in 2013. I’d link to her muse page but I desperately want to rewrite/move it before advertising her lollll.

[domjaehyun]

no me importa BAHAHA I love that you learning Spanish

the way i say that like 20 times a day. i have to. it hits so much harder than “i dont care” bc it feels like im dramatically saying . it matters not. I LOVE IT

for some reason this ask sent me into a monologue both in the below text and the tags….. under a read more for your scrolling convenience

i also like saying un poco [insert spanish adjective here or english if i don’t know the word for it] whenever i need to describe something. also (im consulting actual/native/fluent spanish speakers now) IS LINDO REALLY THE ONLY WORD FOR CUTE I FEEL LIKE IT SHOULD BE SOMETHING LIKE A CUTER WORD LIKE POCO I LOVE THE WORD POCO 😭 but not poco bc then i cant say un poco cute >:/ LIKE IT SHOULD BE PICO SO I COULD SAY AY QUE PIQUITO BUT THAT WOULD MEAN LITTLE BEAK?!!!!! I DONT WANT TO SAY THAT!!! but yeah if there’s a more colloquial word for cute that’s more fun to say like linguistically…….lmk. but so far i quite appreciate the rules of spanish bc i took it when i was in school and did rly well actually . and i still remember a lot of the rules and vocab so talking to random customers in spanish is getting a lot easier!!! and sometimes i just ask ppl how to say a word or if they said a word i didnt understand im like “what does that word mean” then they describe it and im like “say it again” then they do and then bam i have learned a new word !! i hate that everyone is right and to improve speaking a language you actually have to….speak……. the language….. and not just learn vocab and rules BUT now that im 90% over my social anxiety sitch it’s a lot easier to ask questions and learn!!!!! also 12/10 they think i’m cute for asking and then they compliment my spanish and say i’m cute and then i get a compliment for wanting to learn :3 excellent positive reinforcement, i am unlearning shame and guilt mhm yes

[slippingintostones]

-continuation of my post-fight apology text to my boyfriend-

not only do I feel sad and hurt that you won’t clarify if you’re joking when I get confused and ask, but it hurts that you get so defensive over “your sense of humor” instead of apologizing for the consequences of your actions. I don’t want to sound scolding, or condescending, but I feel like if you cared about me (enough, more, really, at all) you would change how you joke with me in order to not make me feel like shit. Not to throw your words back in your face, but hopefully I could be your exception (not that you phrased it like a question.) And I wish that you had said I love you before you hung up the call, because I feel like I always (have to) fold first for there to be peace, say I love you anyways and apologize when you’re still mad. But I don’t want to be the bigger person. No little girl dreams of that, but lots of us expect it anyway. If that’s what our relationship requires to work out then I don’t know if it will. I feel like I need to give you the grace to mature in your time, allow you to unlearn your unhealthy responses, but maturing for me is allowing myself the space to not be so fucking mature all the time. Maybe this is why you think I’m condescending—why it infuriates you when I make a mistake and want to linger in my bad decision for a minute—why you can’t understand why I’m always a little secretly proud and can’t decry and defame the version of me that snapped, that made the immature comment, who went for the low blow. If I’m not already punishing myself when I confess to you, you do punish me for it, as much as I think you don’t even realize when I’m crying the next time and asking you to please not be too upset at me. Because you realize you were being immature, but I actively decide to be. Maybe that’s why I assume malice instead of thoughtlessness- though is that any better? There’s a razor for that but I don’t think you’re stupid. Maybe I assume malevolence because I was waiting for you to say I love you first and you hung up instead. My solace is that there wasn’t a pause before, at least you did this in a hurry too. Because I chose to wait, silently pleading as you said goodnight that you would want to make sure I knew you still loved me, even though you were upset, and isn’t that a lot we need to unpack. Because it’s still hurtful if you were just too mad to think of it (of me!) before you got off the line, and after. (I texted first.) If you were just thoughtless, did you realize right when the line went dead what you didn’t say? What I didn’t say? Did you realize five, ten minutes later but were too stubborn to call me and tell me regardless? What does that say about me? Are you as hurt as I am now or are you already asleep? I don’t mean to rally up our concessions but when have you ever called me back, texted first, fought for us instead of against me? I am patient; I want you to express your feelings and I wait for you to come around. There’s a trend I’ve noticed, where after all our fights resolve I am drained and you are shame faced, apologizing in the dark and asking me to hold you. Do I still love you? And I’ll laugh, saying still? I never stopped. My friend and I discuss you and her boy too, passing a cigarette back and forth on dewy stairs. Why don’t you think of us? Why do we comfort you? Because we love you and we hope that next time you won’t act in a way you cry about when you realize how you’ve hurt us. She said she had to tell him that she can’t be mature all of the time, and I just hope he hears that now. My mother told me she tearfully confessed to her ex (not my dad there’s too much unsaid there) that she needed more from him, that she couldn’t do it anymore, and I asked her if she tried asking it in different ways to make sure he understood. Am I condescending? Am I blind to how men truly are? Do I dare assume malice when stupidity fits the bill? Are we more desperate if we stay with an asshole or date an idiot? Do you hate me or are you just dumb?

I’ll never tell you any of this—at least not in these harsh harsh words. It reeks of bitterness, of condescension, it’s immature and of course, I need to tone it down if I want to get through to you.