It's nice to have a friend.
Remus Lupin x fem!reader
"No one loves a monster like me."
"I do."
warnings- cursing, the prank (with major changes), angst (?), my writing
13k
author's note:- i wrote this listening to taylor and lana. english is not my first language, so beware <3
"What time do you call this?"
You bit down your lips at Remus's flat tone. He looked up from his book with an expression you couldn't figure to be irritated or nonchalant.
"I'm so sorry, Remus. I got carried away with astrology," you said as you attempted to sit beside him. He quickly put his books on your seat with a loud thud. Fortunately for him, the library was empty.
"Then go and play with your stars."
"What?" you asked, a bit confused. "Aren't we supposed to study together?"
"We were. But you're late," he said, shaking his head.
"I'm only twenty minutes late," you furrowed your brows at his uncharacteristic rudeness.
He was staring at you as you glared back.
"You damaged your brain while studying Transfiguration without me, didn't you?"
You arched a brow uncomfortably, getting ready to talk again, but Remus's face softened and changed into amusement. The next thing you heard was his light laughter.
"Hilarious, prick."
"I'm a funny bloke," he chuckled as he lifted the books to grant you a seat, which you took.
"You're not really, James and Sirius are way funnier."
"Weren't you the one throwing a tantrum over their prank yesterday? You certainly weren't laughing."
"They died my hair to green! And don't act like you had no part in it."
"I only told them green is your favourite colour. Was I wrong?"
You blankly ogled his smirk.
"Green suits you."
"You know what suits you, Remus? Purple. Should I do something about it?"
To your irritation, his smirk widened. You turned your hand into a fist. "Which eye is your favourite?"
"I only have two."
"That's not an answer."
"Is there supposed to be an answer? The two are the same."
"Well then," you threw your fist at his eye, Remus raising his arm to protect himself.
"Did Sirius bribe you to hit me?"
"No, but he did offer me some galleons in exchange for your chocolate this morning."
"That was you?!"
This time it's your turn to smirk.
"Time is of the essence, Remus, we have to study." you opened a book before you, waving off Remus as he grumbled something under his breath.
You started to study together, helping each other occasionally.
It was a habit now; you two would study together every week for at least four evenings.
Remus was frustrated today; you could tell from his bouncing leg and twitching lips. But you didn't point it out; you knew he felt uncomfortable when someone coddled him. It was one of the perks of being best friends for five years.
From the first year of Hogwarts to the sixth year, you learned almost everything about Remus by heart. How he scratched the hairs on the back of his neck when deep in thought, or how he never looked up from his book while reading, even if his friends were trying to converse with him.
In return, he knew exactly what to tell you when you were overwhelmed by the studies or how to make you laugh when you were feeling like crying.
You two had always been there for each other, listening, understanding, and supporting one another through everything. You had stayed in the hospital wing all night for Remus when he broke his arm in the third year, and he had been there for you when you were burning with a fever two years ago.
There were too many incidents like these which you and Remus shared that proved the special bond between you. James, Sirius and Peter were also your friends, but with Remus, it was different; unique.
He had made you feel appreciated and loved, never let you down or never let anyone look down on you. Sometimes James and Sirius would mock you two for this affection, but that would always earn them a smack on the head from Remus.
You knew everything about him, and he knew everything about you.
Well, almost everything.
He didn't know that your affection for him was something more; It had been for quite some time now.
At first, you thought it was an innocent crush because of teenage hormones or something, and it would fade away with time.
But it didn't. You grew out of 'I fancy Remus Lupin' to 'I love Remus Lupin'. Of course, you never confided in anyone about your burning infatuation, keeping it secret, burying it deep inside your heart.
The same secret that was fighting to break free from your heart's walls every time Remus smiled at you.
The same secret that was clawing from its grave to get up and fly, bleeding your heart every time Remus embraced you and called you a friend.
The same secret that prickled your eyes with tears every time you remembered that you weren't the only one keeping secrets.
He was keeping something from you, too.
You had always felt it in his eyes, glancing away when you would ask about a scar on his arm or a cut on his thumb.
The first time you fought on it was when you saw the huge scar on his face in the second year. You had worried so much that you pushed Remus's patience, and he had yelled at you. For twelve years old, it was a big hit in their friendship. You hadn't talked to each other for two weeks. In the end, Remus approached you to apologize and explained how the Marauders' prank had backfired, resulting in his scar. You had cried that day because of how much you had missed your friend. Remus hugged you tight, but you could swear you heard a sniff or two from him as well.
Remus would always say the scars on his body were because of a prank, and you would pretend to believe it.
Until this year.
You may be a Gryffindor, but you weren't stupid. You had noticed how he would disappear every full moon and "get sick." You didn't push him before because you thought maybe he needed time, but his distrust was turning the understanding in you into resentment.
It hadn't been to hard make speculations about the situation, but you wanted him to confide in you.
"Are you asleep with your eyes open?" Remus startled you, pulling your focus back to the present.
"Are you calling me a dolphin?"
"You two have a lot in common," he patted your head with his quill.
"Freakingly cute?"
"Freakingly evil."
You elbowed him but regretted it the moment he grimaced with pain.
"What's wrong?" you asked, albeit you immediately guessed another injury under his brown jumper.
He forced a smile. "You just proved my point."
"I didn't even hit you that hard!"
"You tell yourself that," Remus stood up, nodding simultaneously. "That's enough for today."
"Already? You sure you okay?" you worried a bit, standing up. "It's only been forty minutes."
"For you, lazy lady. I've been here for an hour, remember?"
"Go on, rub it in, or I won't hear the end of it until tomorrow."
You two were walking to the exit now with relaxed paces.
"Yeah, about that. I won't be able to study with you tomorrow."
You inhale a deep breath and huff it out.
Here goes nothing.
"Again?"
"Yes," his voice is rusty now.
"Why?"
"Marauders thing."
Same excuse as the last month.
You didn't say anything, giving him one more chance again.
"That's bollocks, Remus."
Remus simply curved a side of his lips to a tiny smile, almost unnoticeable to anyone. Well, anyone but you.
However, you were too irritated to mellow at his smile.
Only for one day, you didn't see him, and he had a new scar, and what a coincidence that the same day was a full moon.
"You really shouldn't curse."
"What truly happened to your arm?"
"Sirius accidentally cut it," he said for the third time that day.
"Stop lying."
Maybe you were wrong to push him like this, but you didn't care at that moment.
"I'm not lying, Y/N," he said before grabbing both his and your books and pressing them between his left arm and torso. "Let's go, we have class in ten."
When you didn't budge, his smile grew, and he stretched his free hand towards you.
"Come on, move your arse. We'll be late."
"You shouldn't curse," you said firmly, trying to look as angry as you could. You were on your limit and had no intention of backing off this time. "And I'm not coming with you."
"Why is that?" he pulled his outstretched hand back to the pocket of his trousers, wearing a soft expression, which his mocking tone contrasted with.
"You know why."
"I'm afraid I don't know why you are not coming to class."
"I will go to class, just not with you," you scowled at his nonchalance.
He pressed his lips into a thin line.
"And why is that?"
"Because I've decided that I'm not talking to you."
"That's not fair."
"Yes, it is," you snapped, standing before him. You waited a few minutes for something, eyes narrowed. When Remus chuckled at your annoyed expression, you walked past him, hitting him with your shoulder.
Striding to the common room's exit, you ignored Remus's call. Only after leaving his sight, you fathomed that you had left your book with him but shrugged it off. You two always sat next to each other, and Remus was too nice of a friend not to bring it back.
"Hey, angry lady." his playfully soft tone danced in your ear, making your heart flutter in your ribcage.
"Go away."
"We're headed to the same class."
"Go away from me, then."
"I'm carrying your book."
"No one asked you to," you still hadn't spared him a glance but could feel the soft smile on his lips.
"No one needed to. I'm a gentleman."
"My arse."
"What about it?"
Your head snapped in his direction. Remus was smirking at you, acting like you weren't almost about to fight ten minutes ago.
You walked into the classroom from the door Remus held open for you straight to your seat.
"Give me my book back."
"You forgot the magic word, lady," he sat next to you. "You know, the one starting with 'P'."
"Petrificius Totalus?"
"That would also work, but I had something nicer in mind. Try again?"
"Periculum."
"What would you need the flames for?"
"To burn you."
"You're so violent this morning. Hadn't had your morning coffee?"
"Just give the bloody book back."
"Now that I think about it, you've been violent for the last three days."
You groaned when the professor started the lesson.
"Don't be bitter, Y/N," he pleaded, watching you snatch your book back. He hated when you were angry at him. "I already told you the truth."
"That's rubbish, and you know that," you whispered so the professor wouldn't hear you. "We're not twelve anymore."
"You were a lot nicer when you were twelve, though."
"And a lot stupider."
"Aye. You'll hear no argument from me."
You knew he was merely attempting to lighten the mood, but he didn't realise it only made you more furious.
"Why are you keeping a secret from me?" you finally blurted out the question gnawing on your insides.
Remus's smile ebbed. He exhaled sharply before turning away from you.
"I am not keeping anything from you."
"Then you must think I am gullible because that's the only explanation for you repeating the same 'prank injuries' lie over and over again."
"That's not a lie."
"Is there a problem?"
You clenched your jaw when you heard the professor's rough voice.
"No, Professor," Remus shook his head, ending the chatter.
You didn't talk for the rest of the lesson. However, to your frustration, you couldn't help but sneak glances in his direction only to find him doing the same.
The moment the class was dismissed, you immediately got up and left the room. The last half an hour in the boring potion class made you question some things. You were at odds with yourself.
And now, in the middle of the hallway, with your books to your chest, your mind was hosting a party for questions.
Was it really about you? Maybe no.
Did Remus deserve some secrecy? Maybe yes.
Did your infatuation with your best friend get in the way of your judgement? Breaking your heart not because he had a secret he didn't want to share but because he didn't love you back? No, of course not (It did).
But you deserved his trust. At least, that was how you were feeling based on the years of friendship.
Were you wrong? Probably.
"Y/N!"
You took a deep breath and blew it out as you turned to face Remus, who quickened his pace to catch up to you. He's smiling. Again.
"What?"
"You still pissed at me?"
"Yes? No? I don't know, Remus," you shrugged and carried on walking to the Great Hall. "I don't understand why you won't share it with me. Don't you trust me?"
"I do," he drawled, and you waited for him to continue. He hesitated at first but gave up after your determination not to make a sound.
"Listen, it's not something about you. I just don't like sharing it."
"Does James know? Sirius? Peter?" you arched a brow, desperately hoping for him to say no. You watched him he open his mouth and close it without a reply.
Well, that was it.
He didn't want to tell you, and you were supposed to be okay with it.
You nodded, hurt at something you didn't want to voice.
Remus stopped you from your arm, turning you so that you would face him. His hands made their way to your sulked shoulders and caressed them back to your hands to hold them tight, sending shivers through your body.
"When the time is right, I will tell you," he said. You looked up into his brown eyes, forcing yourself not to peek at his lips. You had always loved his eyes, and his lips.
"I promise. Just trust me."
You lowered your head, closing your eyes to the pleading in his words.
"I just don't understand why you don't trust me."
Remus stepped forward, letting your head lay on his chest.
"I told you, dove. This is not about you. Truly."
You knew it too.
You knew the reason you were so angry was not Remus but your love for him.
You knew you were not resenting Remus but your own inability to suppress your feelings.
So you nodded, hugging him back.
"What do you smell?" you asked Remus, trying not to sound too eager or excited. You were hoping he couldn't hear your racing heart and couldn't see your trembling hands.
Remus inclined his head to the potion, taking in the smell the Amortentia was radiating.
One, two, tree...
He frowned, looking lost. He clenched his jaw, blinking fast. Something must be wrong.
Six, seven, eight...
He cleared his throat, locking his eyes with yours.
Twelve, thirteen, fourteen...
Remus straightened his back, curling the side of his lips upwards awkwardly.
"What do you smell?"
You gulp, lips parting and then closing and then parting again. You weren't sure it was the right thing to tell him what you smelled from the love potion.
Parchment, coffee, melting chocolate.
Everything that reminded you of him.
"I asked you first."
You sounded taut, internally having a fight between your heart and your brain over the control of your body, mind, and soul.
You didn't know what you wanted to hear from him exactly, but what you did know was that you were praying for it to be something, anything that would remind him of you.
"It's- it's nice," he simply said.
"Mine, too."
"What is it?" he asked, his voice so low that if you weren't so close to him, you wouldn't hear him from all the chatters in the classroom.
You longed to tell him.
Tell him and get it over with. Put down the weighing affection in your shoulders, your lungs and your heart, even if it meant having it broken.
You looked up at him, biting your lower lip so hard it almost bled.
Remus waited and waited and waited for you.
"It's uhm, it's parchment... and uh,-"
"Mr Lupin, are you two done with your potions?
You quickly put a distance between you and Remus. Professor Slughorn stood by the pot, smelling the potion.
"Ah, you are. Well done, you two."
You refused to turn back to Remus, your eyes examining every student in the classroom as Remus cleaned the desk.
James Potter was grinning at Lily Evans, who, in turn, had an unreadable expression on her face. You hoped Lily had smelled James; it would make your friend foolishly happy.
It was a bit chaotic in the room; happy, angry, sad and confused faces were scattered around. A student had even managed to blow up his potion somehow.
You saw Sirius and wondered what he had smelled, but soon your thoughts took a turn when you noticed Sirius was not alone. He was muttering something to Severus Snape with a devilish grin on his face.
"You guys have another prank coming?" you asked Remus, your eyes not leaving Sirius.
You didn't see Remus flinch and almost drop the knife.
"No? Why?"
"Oh, nothing. Then Sirius must be messing with Snape for his own amusement."
Remus hummed softly.
"I love James and Sirius, but was this really necessary?"
It was cold, and you were freezing, not because you had clothed lightly but because it was seven in the morning and in the middle of winter. Remus, seated next to you, was in no better condition. All because your friends insisted you watch them fly around on a broom.
"Well, he had said we were a great support."
"Do I look like any kind of support at this moment?" your teeth were starting to chatter. You closed your eyes at Remus's chuckle, hoping, wishing and praying that you would never forget its sweet melody.
"You look anything but."
You laughed at his words, totally oblivious, his gaze lingering on your smile.
"When is even this game?"
"In two weeks, that's the only thing Pads and Prongs talk about. Where's your head at?"
"I usually tune them out. They're disturbingly loud."
James screamed loudly at Sirius; you threw an 'I told you so' glance at Remus, who rolled his eyes in return. You liked when he did that.
"Try living in the same dorm room with them."
"Must not be fun since you're carrying the scars of the battle in your body."
"And in my soul," he nodded swiftly several of times. You adored the way his brown locks messed into each other, still looking fluffy. "Are you cold?"
"No, I'm sweating," you snarked, peeking at Remus. Maybe you were wrong because he definitely appeared more decent than you were. He beamed at you, sneaking in closer, his leg brushing yours.
Without further ado, he pulled his arm over your shoulder, tugging you to his chest. Your breath hitched as his scent filled your mind.
You hated how your heart reacted every time you were this close to him; a hand away to hold his hand, a breath away to kiss his lips-
"Better now?"
You pushed the image deep into your mind, heat blossoming in your chest, colouring your cheeks.
"Cheers."
The next you-don't-know-how-many minutes later, the practice was over, and the players were now descending to the ground. Remus hadn't let go of you yet, not that you wanted him to.
You watched as James and Sirius joked around, Peter joining them later on.
"Hey, lovebirds! Come down!" James yelled, his hands around his mouth.
You raised your head to see Remus frowning at them before smiling at you, which you returned shortly as you stepped out of his warm embrace.
"Who's hungry?" James asked as you two also joined them and answered before anyone else could. "I am. Let's eat."
"Evans still won't tell me what she smelled in Amortentia."
"Drop it, mate. If she wanted to tell, she would've," Sirius slapped James's back before stepping into the Great Hall before everyone.
"If you push her, she might get irritated, you know," you reasoned with James, albeit you knew it was in vain.
"With me? Impossible, I'm lovely."
"Not to her, apparently."
"Not everyone has a Moony around to cuddle, Y/N."
Peter snorted and dodged the hit from Remus's hand.
"What? James, that's not even relevant!" you hid the crimson of your checks with feigned annoyance, refusing to glance at Remus.
"It doesn't have to be relevant," he shrugged, grinning ear to ear. You shook your head, grabbed a toast and didn't see Remus arch a brow at James.
"Where's Sirius?" Peter asked, making all of you turn around.
"He was there a minute ago, was he not?" you questioned, aimed mainly at James. If there was only one person you could ask about Sirius, and he would have an answer, he was James.
Obviously, not this time because James simply shrugged.
You were jealous. You had never been jealous over Remus until now.
You knew Lily Evans was his good friend, you liked her too, and you knew Remus would never even think about her in that way.
But still, you couldn't help but feel like you were on the edge of a cliff, waiting for someone to push you every time Lily would put her hand on Remus's hand, grazing the tiny cut lightly with her thumb. Your heart was a target to all sorts of knives when you heard Remus chuckle at Lily's words.
You couldn't help but wonder if she knew Remus's secret.
"Jealousy is not a good look on you, Y/N," Sirius cut your thoughts short.
"I don't know what you're talking about," you dismissed him with a shake of your head, pulling your gaze from Remus to the potion top. "Did you add the Powdered Root of Asphodel?"
Remus had always told you that you were the girl closest to him, and it would always stay like this. But you couldn't get rid of the doubts in your mind you were so certain that were emerging because of your feelings.
"Yes, stir twice clockwise," Sirius started working on Sopophorous bean juice. "I'm talking about Moony."
"What about him?" you bit down your lip and hoped your voice didn't shake when Remus's nickname startled your train of thought. How you loved that nickname...
"Others may be oblivious but don't be ridiculous, I see how you stare at him."
You didn't know how to reply to that claim, so you kept silent but turned your eyes to the long-haired boy. He smiled at you as if an encouragement, which almost crumbled your defences. You were on the verge of giving out.
Would it be bad if there was at last a person to share your feelings with?
"So, is it a monthly 'I fancy him' situation or..?"
"Something more," you finished for him, earning a croon. Here, you had said it with no guarantee that he would keep your secret but with the hope that he would help you carry the burden.
"Am I that transparent?"
"Only when you're jealous, love."
You nodded, smiling a little.
Sirius watched the way you were picking the skin around your nails.
"Hey, stop worrying. I'll tell no one."
Relief had hugged you at that moment, thankful that Sirius took your feelings lightly and didn't make a big deal out of it. Also, happy that you weren't alone anymore in this secret; you had someone capable of understanding.
"Sirius?"
"Mhm?"
"Do you think he'll ever...love me back?"
He sighed, drying his hands. You felt his hands on yours, returning the gesture.
"You know Moony, he doesn't talk about feelings," you laughed bitterly, placing your head on his shoulder. "But he is a plonker if he never returns your feelings, and I'll make sure he gets a new scar if he ever hurts them."
"Thank you, Pads," you melt into his hug as you feel his arms around your waist.
"You smell of strawberries," he took a strand of your hair into his hand, sniffing it. "What shampoo are you using?"
"Stop smelling me like a dog!" you pushed him away, giggling when he gasped in fake hurt. "Focus, we still have to finish that potion."
Sirius carried on with his Sopophorous bean, and you looked around for a sloth brain.
"Did you forget the sloth brain?"
"I thought you were going to get it," Sirius shrugged, looking up. "Moony and Evans have one more. Go and grab from them."
You glanced at the pair, noticing that Remus was already staring at you. He didn't budge when you smiled at him and changed his focus back to Lily.
Red hair, green eyes, dainty freckles and graceful stature. Why did she have to be this beautiful?
You sauntered to their seat, passing near a bunch of students that were requiring the Professor's attention. Remus refused to look up to you when Lily offered you a kind smile.
"Hey, Remus, do you mind sharing an ingredient with me and Sirius?"
"You don't have it?" his tone was not kind, and his eyes were cold.
"I thought he was supposed to take it, but it turns out he thought I would take it," you mumbled real quick, still not fathoming the reason behind his coldness. "So here we are."
"You guys were pretty out of it. How do you even manage to get the job done?"
"We are doing fine," you frown. What was wrong with him?
"Yeah, I saw."
"Are you going to let us borrow the ingredient, or should I ask James and Pete?"
His gaze finally changed into something you couldn't quite name. He turned to Lily, who was trying her best not to pry.
"We won't need the spare," she consented in an instant. Remus dashed to the other side of the desk, clutching the jar and dashing back to you.
"Thank you," you mumbled as you clasped it in your hand. He merely nodded one time before carrying on with whatever he was doing.
You could swear you heard Lily whisper to him, 'What the bloody hell is wrong with you?' before parting, but you ignored it.
You couldn't find Sirius when you were back, so you finished the last steps of the potion on your own. He didn't pop up when the Professor checked the work or when he dismissed the class.
"Why are you pissed at me?"
"Moony is pissed at you?" James hopped in as you made your seat next to Remus, who was busy with his meal.
"Yes–"
"I'm not."
You stared at him in disbelief and bemusement.
"You certainly are. Now tell me why."
When Remus looked at you, a smile inched his lips up though his eyes were still grumpy.
"Where's Sirius?" he asked.
"I-I don't know," your head sought him out, giving out in confusion. "How is he any relevant?"
You ignored James muttering, 'You really do like that word, huh?' as your eyes desperately tried to understand why Remus was being weird. But instead of an appropriate reason, all you got was a shrug.
You shook your head in dissatisfaction and stretched your arm for the pumpkin juice. Seeing your attempts, Remus's hand had already grabbed it and now was pouring the juice for you.
"Thank you," you whispered before clearing your throat. "So, we'll study together in the library again, right? Now that you're not 'angry'?"
Remus shook his head when you drew quotation marks with your fingers in the air.
"Today, yes. Not tomorrow, though."
You quelled the rising anger and heartbreak in your heart. In a trice, you twisted in your seat, facing James.
"What are your plans for tomorrow?"
He was taken aback by your sudden query. By the state of his full mouth and the bread crumbs around his lips, you figured out that he wasn't paying the slightest attention to you and Remus.
"Quidditch practice before breakfast?"
"In the evening, I mean."
"We're supposed to–"
"I wasn't talking to you, Remus."
Remus pursed his lips, cursing himself for not talking to James that morning. James's face crinkled in bafflement.
"I am supposed to finish my star chart with Sirius."
You nodded and glowered back at your best friend. James made a face at Remus behind your back as if asking what was going on.
"You don't take Astrology, Remus."
"I'll study with Lily tomorrow," he said, and you froze.
You were supposed to study together. You and Remus. Together. Like the way it had always been.
He wasn't supposed to study with the prettiest girl in the house. The graceful girl with a delicate smile and silky fire-kissed hair.
You didn't know when or how the familiar burn in your chest surged up, but you recognised what it was. You welcomed the acute sharpness of its thorns and the way it cut through your heart.
"Oi! Why didn't you tell me that? I could've finished the chart earlier and joined you!"
You tuned out James's protest. You wished you could tune out Remus mumbling to him, 'We decided in the potions.' too. But if there was one thing you could never turn a deaf ear to, it was Remus's voice; soft yet stern, melancholic yet hopeful. You wanted to tattoo the tune into your brain the way it was engraved into your heart.
You heard Remus call your name. You hated the way you loved your name from his lips. He had always chanted your name so gently, like an incantation, caressing your soul's most hidden-away parts.
"Yes?"
"I couldn't say no to Lily," he said apologetically.
"Yes, of course," you rose from your seat, offering Remus a smile you hoped covered the hurt behind your eyes. "I understand."
"Where you going?" he attempted to grab you by your wrist, but you were agile. You snatched your wrist away unobtrusively.
"I'm going to look for Sirius."
"Hiya, love," Sirius greeted you at the curtail step of the Grand Staircase. You had looked for him in the castle, but you stumbled on him when you finally gave up and decided to head to the Gryffindor Common Room.
"Where were you? I couldn't find you close to the end of the potions," you asked him, feeling a bit better now that you're out of Remus's company.
He shrugged, denying you the answer.
"You, too, Pads?" you stopped your steps, making Sirius do the same. He looked confused.
"I, too, what?"
"Somehow, I never get an answer to any of my questions these days, and it's bloody frustrating," you blurted out the grudge that had made home in you within a breath.
"Someone's getting ready to throw a strop," his mocking tone brought you to your senses. You pouted, sighing away the anger and resentment building up in your core.
"Don't sulk, love," he said as he dropped a hand on your shoulder, which impeded your movement on the stairs. "If it is any consolation, I have a problem with Snape."
"What problem?"
"You remember our last prank on him, right?" he smiled sheepishly. He continued when you nodded. "Right, so he may or may not have been trying to get back at me for it."
"So you two have been fighting like two little third-years for the last week?"
"Uh-huh," you rolled your eyes when he showed you his ridiculously white teeth. "I'm setting the ground for something big, but can't tell you, so don't ask."
"Fine."
"Your turn."
"It's silly," you cringed at the thought. Everything always made sense in your head until it was time to actually voice them.
"Good. Then we'll have a laugh. Come on, now," Sirius squeezed your arm as reassurance.
"Remus is a liar. Sometimes..." you purposely left out the once-in-a-month fact, "He stands me up, saying it's a Marauders thing-"
You held your hand up to interrupt Sirius, who was about to back up his friend.
"Don't. It is a lie. I know something is going on, and I have speculations, I'm not stupid, Sirius–"
"Never said you were."
"And it's okay, you know? We talked about it, and he told me he needed time, and I didn't argue. But now he tells me he isn't gonna study with me because he promised Lily, and I know it's an excuse because he couldn't use the 'Marauders thing' lie this time–"
"Don't forget to breathe."
"It's just...she's pretty and smart and–"
"In love with Prongs."
"You don't know that."
"No, but she will be, and you don't even need to worry about Evans. She's just a good friend of Moony."
You exhale heavily, begging for your endeavours to suppress the ache in your throat to work.
Yes, she was a good friend of Remus. But you're supposed to be his best friend.
Howbeit, more importantly, what was muddling you was the thought that Lily knew Remus's secret.
"I know, Pads. I just can't help it."
Sirius said the password to your common room and gave you the way first.
"You should talk to him, you know," he said as you threw yourself onto a sofa.
"And tell him that I'm ridiculously jealous because of his friendship with Evans, yeah?"
You smiled at Sirius's laugh. "I pity you, love."
You pitied yourself, too.
You grimaced when you felt the metallic taste of blood. Pulling your teeth from your lips, you pushed them together so the blood on them would dry.
You've been pacing around your dorm room, contemplating whether to get down to the library.
Part of you yearned for Remus's presence, while the other part wanted to avoid him forever, not ready to face and voice your thoughts to him. You knew he never left any quarrel unsolved, never letting you stay upset.
Ultimately, your love for him overwhelmed your resentment, and before you knew it, you grabbed your book and ambled down the stairs.
Your knuckles were white from clutching the book hard when you entered the empty library. The only thing you could think about was if Remus was going to be there.
And he was.
He raised his head from his book the moment you crossed his sight, brown eyes full of different emotions that you couldn't sort.
You chose to ignore how his leg was bouncing and how his hair was way messier than usual.
He softly smiled at you when you sat next to him. You smiled back.
You hoped maybe he would act like everything was alright and you wouldn't have to think about your feelings.
But you inhaled sharply when he didn't.
"We're fighting a lot these days," he said, looking at your fingers rather than your eyes. "I hate it when we fight."
"We didn't fight."
"It may not be a fight, but," he took your hands into his, "I know you're hurt."
When you kept silent, he took this as his cue to go on.
"I'm sorry, dove. I should've known it would hurt your feelings to stand up our evening studies."
"You know well that it is not the matter," you said, pulling your hands back. "Stop acting like you don't."
"I'm going to need you to be more specific."
Dozens of questions raced through your mind, but you only managed to ask the one tearing you apart with jealousy. You pushed to voice that screamed at you, saying 'you're being too blunt' back in its place.
"Does Lily know your secret?"
Remus sighed. He parted his lips and then pushed them back together. You fathomed that he was getting irritated from the twitch of his hand.
"I thought we agreed that you wouldn't bring this up again–"
"Does she?"
"She does."
"You told her."
"She figured it out herself," he arched his brow at you eloquently. You despised the meaning behind that expression. It mocked you, claiming that you were not as bright as another.
"Of course, she did," You turned your side to him and opened the cover of your book. Little did he know you had figured everything, too. Except, you waited for his confiding.
"Alright, that's it," Remus shut the cover back to regain your attention. "What the hell is wrong with you?"
"What?"
"Y/N, you've been picking fights for the last bloody month. And I try, I really, really try to be patient but I don't understand what your problem is."
Your face wrinkled in confusion.
"Remus, what are you talking about? We were fine until this morning."
Remus held back for a moment, pinching the bridge of his nose.
"Maybe. But we're having the exact bloody conversation every once a month, and it's getting on my nerves."
This was the last straw for you. Getting on his nerves?
You had been patient with him since the day you became friends.
You had been understanding towards him every time he pushed you away when he was upset and pulled you back for support.
You had been gentle with him every time he snapped at you before full moons and every time he broke your heart after full moons.
And you had been loving him for the last five years, first as your friend, then as a boy, despite his flaws, blemishes and imperfections.
And now he couldn't even handle your resentment?
Anger climbed its way to your chest, burning down every wall you've ever built to keep your heart's secrets hidden away.
Words were scattered across your mind, ready for you to use them as your weapon against the pain havocing in your soul.
You couldn't keep anything in anymore.
"You know what's getting on my nerves, Remus? You being a liar–"
"I am a liar?"
"Yes. Yes, you fucking are. You have been lying to me for the last five years, and I've been bloody patient.
You think you're being patient? Well, try being best friends with yourself. Someone who lies to you, keeps secrets from you, but tells you you're his best friend, and then fucking repeats everything again."
"I asked you to give me time!"
"And I did! I've been understanding towards you and acted dumb every time you gave me nonsense excuses like you did today."
Remus shook his head.
"You're being selfish."
"I am being selfish?" your eyes widened in disbelief. He truly had the gall to call you selfish after five years of his lies, excuses, and your espousing only for his sake.
"It's not always about you, you know. I just wanted to spend some time with Lily tomorrow, it's not an excuse."
You sniggered, awed by the way he could lie so easily.
"How come even Evans knows you better than me?!"
Remus clenched his jaw and rose up to his feet. You knew he was trying his best to keep himself collected, not to take out the anger on you, but you had had enough. You looked up to the veins popping up on his neck from your seat when he raised his voice.
"She figured everything out herself! It's not my fault that you can't do that!"
"So, now I have to try to solve you out by myself? That's not how friendships work, Remus! You're supposed to trust me-"
"No! I don't have to do anything! I've had fucking enough. I don't owe anyone anything, including you. Remus this, Remus that. Everyone has something they want from Remus. Everyone rubs their so-called favours and sacrifices into my face, always demanding something in return-"
"I've never even once harped on anything I did for you! I only wanted you to open up to me-"
"And the only thing I asked from you was patience! Fucking patience!" he dashed at you, grabbing you by the sides. "But here you are, bringing up the same bloody thing every month like a broken record! So yes, you are the most selfish girl I've ever met!"
His words cut through your heart like a sword, the same sword you had placed in his hand.
You looked at his dilated pupils and how they almost swallowed the gentleness of the brown you always loved.
You blinked the tears away that were threatening to invade your vision and swallowed the lump in your throat down.
Patience, he had said. Time, he had said. You were selfish, he had said.
An unfamiliar surge of acrimony washed you down, anger flaming in your chest. Its white flames swallowed your love for the boy whole, echoing his words from nothingness.
You pushed him away as hard as you could. He tottered a few steps back, eyes softening at your raged visage. In a blink, you were up from your seat and closed the distance between you two.
"You want patience? I have been patient when you let everyone in but me. I've been patient when you pushed me away in the second year after learning about your father. When you snapped at me for worrying about you. When you yelled at me because I wanted to touch the scar on your face."
Remus parted his lips, but you held your hand to stop him from talking. With every sentence, your tone was soaring, the tears were prickling your eyes, and you had let go.
"Don't interrupt me! I'm not done. I gave you time when you got 'sick' every month and didn't let me see you or when you cried in my lap but refused to talk to me later. I gave you time when you didn't speak to me for days because you were angry and when you lied to me every month because you didn't trust me enough!
You want time and patience?!
I have given you my time and patience for the last five years and have been loving you for the past three, Remus! So don't you ever dare to call me selfish!"
You snapped your mouth shut, letting the wave of fury and relief wash over you. Remus's eyes changed into something new, something you had never learned about him.
Only then did a stronger feeling hit you: dread.
You had confessed your love for him.
His eyes were heavy with emotion, the crease between the brows still reminding you of his anger, while the benign brown lit up the hope inside your soul.
"You what?" a whisper left his mouth, so low that you wouldn't be able to hear it if it wasn't dead silence in the library.
You didn't repeat yourself. You didn't even reply to him. You simply turned away and dashed out of the library.
xxxxx
When you woke up the next morning, all you could think about was that it was a full moon today.
You didn't think it would be a good idea to see Remus today, but you were worried about him. You wished to know how he was, where he was, and how he would endure this night. Would he have new scars the following day? Or a headache? Did he love you back?
So many questions and not enough answers.
James and Sirius were in the Quidditch practice, probably Remus and Peter as an audience. You had decided not to join them this time, trying to drown the chaos in your mind with homework instead. Or maybe you were too embarrassed to acknowledge Remus.
Anyhow, one can only tolerate writing an essay to one point.
You slapped your book shut, groaning to yourself when you relived your last memory with Remus. Yesterday was the reason why you hated being angry; you would either cry or lose control of your mouth. And since you had bone both of them in one evening, you were planning on rotting in your room. However, your short span of attention was not helping. With every sentence you managed to put together, Remus's brown eyes would pop up in your mind.
You glanced at the weather; grey clouds and chilly wind. Who would even want to be outside in this weather?
James (and maybe you).
You shook your head and decided that maybe rotting yourself until everyone would forget about your existence was not a good plan, as it was getting boring. Checking the time, you smiled because the Quidditch practice should be finished by now. Thus, you got up and left your dorm room. If only you could make it out of the common room without being seen by Remus.
Sauntering down the stairs, you slowed your steps. Before revealing yourself, you checked the common room and saw James and Peter laughing. No Remus or Sirius. You wondered if Remus told them about your love confession. You hoped not.
Stopping into the room, you made your way to them, putting on a genuine smile. You tried to suppress the anxiety rising in your throat and reminded yourself that these boys were your friends.
"Look who's here," James narrowed his eyes at you. "The traitor."
"I missed only one practice, James."
"He and Sirius are way more dramatic today. James almost asked Evans to marry him this morning."
"Seems like a normal morning, Pete," you said, even though you couldn't help but chuckle. "Where's Sirius, though?"
"He went to see his brother. Said he'll be back in ten minutes or something."
You hummed at James, pushing your lips together.
"And Remus?"
"With Evans, I wager."
The familiar burn in your chest resurfaced.
"I'll go find Sirius. See you guys later."
"You have a death wish, I see?"
You jumped at Sirius's voice. As opposed to what you said to James and Peter, you didn't go looking for Sirius. Instead, you were strolling around the castle yard. You liked how the frigid air sent shivers down your spine, it was refreshing. And you, without a doubt, needed refreshment.
"How'd you know?"
"You're walking around in nothing but your sweater?"
You smiled and shrugged, waiting for him to catch up to you. When he did, he removed his black leather and placed it on your shoulders. You caught the burn on his hand.
"What happened to your hand?"
Sirius glanced at his hand shortly and yanked it back into the pocket of his trousers.
"Ah. Nothing. Snape and I had a little duel just now."
"Sirius, this is getting out of hand. You need to stop."
"Yeah, don't worry. It's going to end tonight."
Your heart dropped.
"What do you mean?"
He burst into laughter, worrying you more.
"I'm going to scare the hell out of that prick, he'll never dare touch me again."
You attempted a smile, though you weren't sure it came out smooth.
"What do you mean?"
Sirius turned to you, patting your arm with his fist. "Don't worry about it. Tell me what made you take a walk in such weather."
Now you were both worried and uncomfortable. Embarrassment was burning your ears up, making you wish that the ground would split in two and swallow you whole. However, you decided to bury the worries and awkwardness. You deserved someone listening to you, after all, so you shared everything with him.
After a few gasps and woahs, you quietened while Sirius was contemplating what to say and how to say it.
"You haven't seen him since?"
You shook your head no.
"Well, he was grumpy this morning, but I don't think it's related to you."
Yet, you were certain that it was related to you.
He was grumpy because he was angry at you. He was grumpy because he didn't return your feelings, and you made him uncomfortable by confessing them. He was grumpy because you just shattered your friendship. Or maybe he was grumpy because it was a full moon.
"I think he hates me now."
Sirius snorted at your declaration. "You're one hell of an overthinker, aren't you?"
When you didn't reply, he pushed you with his side softly, "Hey, come on, it's Moony we're talking about. He can never hate you."
"You can't possibly know that."
"Yes, I can. Remember in the third grade how he literally hated all of us for burning his paper?"
"I mean, he wasn't exactly wrong. We did destroy two weeks' work."
"Exactly. He rained hell upon us for a month. Well, most of us. He didn't touch you, and whenever we would ask him why, he would hit us before saying, 'It would hurt her feelings'."
You smiled at the thought of thirteen years old Remus coddling you.
"I didn't know that."
"You don't know why James changed his wand last year in the middle of the semester, either."
"I thought he broke it."
"Nah, Moony broke it."
Your eyebrows shot up in bewilderment, amusing Sirius. He nodded before resuming to talk.
"James had a brilliant idea to cast a spell on you that would twist your tongue every time you talked. Remus wanted to waver him from it, but he was stubborn, that bastard. So before he could cast the spell, Remus broke his wand in our dorm and made it look like an accident to James."
Your smile grew wider, your eyes tearing up from intense emotions. Remus always knew about your anxiety, and he had always cared enough to help you through it. Whenever you would fidget with your fingers because you were about to give a big speech, he would put his hand on yours to calm them down. Whenever you would sweat because the professor was criticising you in front of the whole class, he would touch his knee to yours to let you know he was there. Whenever someone would make fun of you, he would be the first one to stand up for you.
"I didn't know he had it in him."
"Oh, he has a lot more in him when you are the matter," Sirius side-hugged you, letting you lean in. "You can ask him if you want."
You frowned, about to ask him what he meant but stopped in your tracks when your eyes sorted Remus from the other side of the yard. He was with Lily. Before you could ask Sirius to return to the castle, he yelled from the top of his lungs to make himself heard.
"Oi! Moony!"
"What are you doing?!" you whisper-shouted at Sirius, who was dragging you to Remus's side.
"You can't avoid him forever."
As you got closer and closer to his side, your heart picked up the pace. You didn't feel ready to talk to him today. You were sure you wouldn't be ready tomorrow either.
Lily waved at you two when you made it to their side. You noticed the bags under Remus's eyes and his bouncing leg. You refused to lock your gaze, focusing on Lily's glorious smile. Still, you could feel his burning gaze piercing your heart.
You had tuned out their talking, alerting your mind only to Remus's presence. You didn't hear Lily's giggle or Sirius's mocking tone; you didn't even care what they were talking about.
You only cared that Remus was bouncing his leg, snapping his fingers and rubbing his temple.
You longed to put your hand on his leg to calm it down, hold his hand so that he would stop hurting them, and kiss his temple so maybe it would tender the ache.
Your heart was burning up in your chest, clenching in agony. The agony of being so close and yet so far away from him.
Every tune around you was muffled, slave to even a whisper from Remus, but he wasn't making a single sound.
You had lost count of how many heartbeats were beating in your chest, wasting time by beating away from Remus's heart.
Suddenly, they stopped.
"I have to go," said Remus.
His hoarse tone shattered everything into nothing.
He got up from Lily's side and walked back into the castle. You didn't follow him.
You missed his voice.
The weather was dark and still cold. You clung to Sirius's jacket more tightly. He hadn't asked for it back and said he would take it from you tomorrow.
You should return to the common room; it was neither safe nor clever to wander around at night. And you did. You turned around and started striding to the castle, only to flinch when you saw a figure exiting it.
It was hard for you to distinguish the person, so you followed him. You waited for the light of the full moon to reveal the silhouette's identity to you. You bit down your lip when you saw Severus Snape sauntering towards the Whomping Willow.
He must've lost his mind.
Your heart fastened with Severus's every step, dread of what was about to come sending tremors down your body. Your fingers itched in anticipation.
You hid behind a bush and watched him with terror. It was dark at night. It was a full moon. You were near the Whomping Willow.
Why did you even follow Snape?
When he finally crossed the safe proximity, the tree started moving. Your hand covered your mouth, your eyes unable to blink.
You waited for the tree to frantically shake and sway its branches. You waited for it to injure Severus or maybe even kill him.
But it didn't.
The moment it started to move an inch, it stopped. You thought maybe Snape had cast a spell; you could only see his back.
He slowly approached the tree, disappearing into a hole under it.
You rose to your feet and took a few steps towards the tree. You felt uncomfortably vulnerable at that moment, standing out in the open where you could get attacked by every side and wouldn't even be able to prevent it.
What if the tree starts moving when you're near?
Where did Snape go?
Should you even be here?
If there was only one question you knew the answer to, it was the last one.
You wanted to return to the castle and forget about all this in the morning. You truly did. However, you figured that there was no turning back when you heard a howl and a scream coming from the hole.
You jumped back with fear, oblivious to the yelp that left you.
Your first instinct was to run. Run away as fast as you could, without looking back, but something deep in your conscience didn't let you flee.
What if Snape was alone out there, and he needed help?
What if he was injured?
You cursed under your breath and took one more step towards the tree.
Your heart was pounding in your ear, competing with the sound of the howl down on the ground. You convinced yourself that it was the fear that made the howling sound closer than before.
One, two, three.
You exhaled sharply and started running to the hole.
You prayed that the tree wouldn't move.
Your legs made a stop before you could fathom what was happening.
More than one figure emerged from the ground, but your eyes only saw the big, ugly beast. Moonlight was glistening through its thick grey fur, displaying a horrendous sight. The tawny glow in its eyes was impossible to miss, as well as its tall and scrawny bone structure. The snarls from the beast were threatening to change into something more dangerous.
Snape was screaming. You could swear you heard James, your name or maybe your own scream too.
However, your eyes never left the beast.
You had seen it in the pictures. You knew what it was.
A werewolf.
Remus.
And it was planning to attack Severus.
Your Remus.
You took out your wand, not even once looking away from the beast. Your mind was chasing every charm you've ever chanted, looking for the best one for the situation.
The beast pounced on Snape with a growl.
Snape slumped into the ground.
The beast towered over him, ready to attack.
You aimed your wand at it, screaming the first thing that came to mind.
"Petrificus Totalus!"
You had diverted the beast's attention, presenting an opportunity for James to save Snape.
"No, Y/N!"
When James's cry tore your mind from the shock, you understood that you had made a mistake.
Spells don't work on werewolves.
A gasp left your mouth when the werewolf directed its attention from Severus to you. You didn't see Snape fleeing or James carefully walking to you. All you could see was the icy light in its eyes glaring at you, sending sheer panic down your spine.
You hesitated to make any more sound, no matter how much you wanted to yell James's name for help.
You didn't know how to fight werewolves, no one had ever taught you that. You didn't want to die, either.
The growl from the beast intensified, sending you enough signals that the inevitable was close. With your every step back, it was taking a step forward.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
"Y/N RUN!
And you did.
You ran until your lungs gave out, your legs crippled, and your heart burst.
You ran until your eyes watered from the chilly air, your nose hurt from the sharp breaths, and your ears echoed the beast's growls.
A branch cut just above your cheek, but you didn't stop.
You ran until you lost control of your mind, giving it up to your body, performing purely under adrenalin.
But the beast ran with you, too. It followed you into the forest, howling and growling, letting you know death was close. Letting you know that the screams drowning in the night were in vain. Letting you know that the tears staining your face were in vain.
Your breaths mingled with your screams, your hair getting into your mouth. Sweat and tears melded into each other, burning up the cut on your face.
Before you could understand what had happened, your body hit the cold ground with a thud. Your eyes clenched shut, taking in pain vibrating through you. You felt the soil staining your face and body. Your weeping turned into a shriek when you felt yourself yanked into the dirt on your stomach.
Your eyes widened with fear when you finally fathomed the claw grabbing your ankle. It dragged you back, hoping to get the claws on your throat, too. Your fingers dug into the earth. You fought to free yourself from the beast. The jagged stones on the ground gashed your forearm. The dirt stung the gash. Your blood glistened under the moonlight. The beast howled. It turned you on your back.
Remus, Remus, Remus.
One last cry left you. The beast raised its claws, towering over you.
Remus.
You closed your eyes. The tears didn't stop.
Moony.
A high-pitched whine soared in the sky. You were sure it didn't come from you. Something hit your hip. You opened your eyes.
A stag.
A stag stroke the beast with its horns in the underbelly, tossing it away from you. The stag jumped over you, attacking the werewolf again. Animalistic voices ascended in the middle of the Forbidden Forest.
You crawled behind a large rock and took deep breaths. You knew you had to run. This was your opportunity to flee for your life, but you had exhausted your body. You needed time to recover.
The growls and whines never stopped. They got louder and quieter. Closer and farther. You didn't know.
You raised your head. The Moon was gleaming, casting light your way as if telling you to get going. You couldn't. Not now.
You lowered your head at your hands. They were filthy with dirt, the soil blackening the insides of your nails.Y̶o̶u̶r̶ ̶f̶i̶n̶g̶e̶r̶s̶ ̶d̶u̶g̶ ̶i̶n̶t̶o̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶t̶h̶. You moved your left arm, checking the backside of your forearm. T̶h̶e̶ ̶j̶a̶g̶g̶e̶d̶ ̶s̶t̶o̶n̶e̶s̶ ̶o̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶g̶r̶o̶u̶n̶d̶ ̶g̶a̶s̶h̶e̶d̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶r̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶e̶a̶r̶m̶. You winced at the scar and the fresh blood around it. Y̶o̶u̶r̶ ̶b̶l̶o̶o̶d̶ ̶g̶l̶i̶s̶t̶e̶n̶e̶d̶ ̶u̶n̶d̶e̶r̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶m̶o̶o̶n̶l̶i̶g̶h̶t̶.̶
Without warning, a sob left put your mouth, startling you. You pressed your uninjured hand on your lips, listening around. The voices had stopped. Neither the stag nor the beast was there. You were safe.
Your hands didn't leave your mouth, so terrified that if they did, you would make a noise and lure in the beast again. You knew your body was reacting to the shock and exhaustion, but you despised the tears flooding from your eyes. You needed to get it together and leave the Dark Forest. Albeit the beast was gone, the forest was still dangerous.
You stood up with a groan, not lowering your wand for protection. Your clothes were spoiled, and you were hurting. You looked around to find a familiar way back to the castle.
"Y/N!"
You aimed your wand at the voice, your heart retaking the pace. The voice was familiar, but you were not in the right mind to identify it.
"It's me, hey. Lower your wand," James's gentle voice weakened your muscles, your hand shaking and breath hitching. Relief surged you from head to toe.
You didn't remember when you dropped your wand into the ground and threw yourself into James's warm embrace. You only remembered how he soothed you as you sobbed with exhaustion.
"You alright?" he put a hand on your shoulder and the other on your wrist to check you out after you pulled away from the hug. You nodded, feeling his gaze on your injured arm.
"Where were you?" You didn't recognise your own tone, rasp and brittle.
"Here. With you."
Something hit you in the gut. A realisation twinkled in your mind, finally comprehending the depth of 'Prongs'.
"You were the stag."
He smiled at you. "I knew you were a bright witch."
James Potter being an animagi wasn't the first priority for you tonight.
"What happened to..." you couldn't let out the rest of the sentence. The beast. R̶e̶m̶u̶s̶
"I led it back to the Whomping Willow."
The next moments passed with silence, you two walking together to the castle and James subtly keeping his hand behind your back to make sure you were fine. You relived everything from the beginning, this time making sense of the incidents. You had so many questions and even more feelings gushing in you.
"I don't understand, James."
"Hmh?"
"Why was Snape there? Where were Sirius and Peter?"
You heard James clear his throat. His tone changed from gentle to furious in a moment.
"Sirius told Snape how to get into the Whomping Willow. That bastard thought it would be a good prank. He told me later because he had started to second-guess himself," he retorded, "Peter was also there, you just didn't see him. I sent him to make sure Severus gets into the castle safely."
No.
You shook your head, not believing your ears. This couldn't be what Sirius meant by handling the Snape problem. You didn't want to believe it. Not because you were thinking too highly of Sirius but because you imagined how devastated Remus would be the next morning. You knew how much he trusted his friends.
"Remus..." you muttered under your breath, earning a hum from James that signalled him thinking the same thing.
"Sirius will be in big trouble. I'm sure Snape had already run to Dumbledore."
You turned to James with widened eyes, he talked before you could panic.
"Don't worry. He didn't see me as the stag or see Peter at all. That's why I was belated. I'm sorry I couldn't make it there sooner."
"Thank you for even making it there," you whispered, closing your eyes when the castle entered your sight. You avoided thinking about the possibility that James might not make it in time. What would happen then was something tragedic you never wanted to admit. "Will you see Remus tomorrow morning?"
James looked at you with such intense emotion that you thought he was pitying you.
"I will but–"
"I want to be there with you."
"No, Y/N, listen," he scratched his chin. You stared at him in question.
"I will have to explain everything to Remus tomorrow. And by that," he said, "I mean everything."
"James, I want to–"
"No. I don't want you to be there when I tell him how he almost killed you. I'm sure he wouldn't want you to be there either."
"But it's not his fault–"
"That's not what he's going to think in the morning. I'll talk to him alone. Don't insist."
This was the most serious you had ever seen James Potter. Thus, you knew he wasn't going to back down. So, you didn't insist.
By the time you were in the common room, your body had calmed down, now only exhibiting exhaustion symptoms. James hugged you one more time before sending you to your dorm room.
"Shower with warm water and go to bed. I'll be in the common room if you can't sleep."
You wanted to ask him why he didn't go to sleep, but you couldn't even part your lips. So you simply offered him a weak smile and headed straight to the bathroom. The girls in your room were already asleep, meaning you had to be extra careful not to wake them up.
You scoffed at your reflection in the bathroom mirror. Frantic hair, shrunk pupils, a cut on your cheek and dirt on your face. As if all these weren't enough, the gash on your arm was throbbing with pain, blood staining your sweater and maybe even Sirius's jacket too.
You stepped into the shower and let the warm water clean you thoroughly. You clenched your teeth to suppress the groan you wanted to let out of pain from your cuts. The black dirt left you as the water stroke down your body, helping you get this night out of your skin.
Your eyes were glued to the dirt getting washed away, harking back to how the beast hauled you onto the ground. Your skin still remembered the burn from the rough friction.
You couldn't close your eyes, you couldn't even blink. Every time you did, a pair of two glistening yellow eyes would stare at you, threatening to hunt you down if you kept your eyes closed a second more. If you thought about the beast a little bit more, you were sure you would have a panic attack.
So you let your mind wander around something else.
Brown locks, chocolate eyes and pink lips.
Your lips curved when you recalled his soft voice, the way he called you dove. You warmed up, and not because of the water but because of the memory of how Remus gently stroked your hair. How he wiped away your tears. How he braided your hair perfectly after begging Peter to teach him. How he had always given you something hand-made on your birthdays because he couldn't buy anything.
You missed him. You missed the gentle smile he was always offering you. You missed your tender bickering and his teasing innuendoes.
You had missed your best friend, and no matter what would happen tomorrow, you were going to talk to him.
You couldn't sleep well that night. You even had a nightmare about what happened.
James was late in the dream; you died in the end.
So you stayed up all night, only being able to dive into sleep when the air was lightening up, turning into sapphire blue. At the same time of the day, Remus was turning back to his human self. You would chuckle at the irony if you weren't sleep deprived.
When you woke up, your heart was hammering in your chest. Your roommate was beside you, a glass of water in her hand. You felt sweat drops in your neck and temple; you must be having another nightmare, then.
She offered you the glass, which you gladly accepted.
"Thank you," you said rather hoarsely.
"It's almost five in the afternoon, hun."
You sat up in your bed, brushing your hair back with your hands. You had a terrible headache.
"It is?"
"Aye. You sure you're alright?"
"Yes, Lizzie, thank you," you smiled at her before leaving the bad. You were both grateful and uneasy that you had missed the most part of the day. This meant that Remus had already learned about the prank.
You eyed yourself in the bathroom mirror. You looked way better than yesterday night, undoubtedly. Your face had gained its colour back, and your frenzied eyes were glistening with something other than horror. The only flaws were the small cut on your face and the new eyebags.
You got ready and went down to the common room. Because it was Sunday today, the common room was crowded with students.
Your eyes searched any of the Marauders but failed. They weren't here, and you were hungry. You made your way to the Great Hall, accompanied by nice growls from your stomach. Fortunately for you, it was dinner time.
You were too focused on the food before to find yourself a seat, so you didn't notice anyone approaching you. You flinched when a kind hand touched your arm.
"Y/N?"
"Oh, hiya Lily."
The red-haired girl smiled at you with emerald eyes. She pointed to a corner around the table with her finger. "Potter asked me to call you."
Your eyes found James, who looked as tired as you but still managed to put on a simpering smile. "Cheers," you said to Lily.
You sat next to him, stuffing your plate. Your stomach growled harder at sight.
"How are you feeling?" James asked, watching you nibble on a toast.
"Have been worse. You?"
"Have been worse."
You knew what you had to ask him, but you also knew you needed your appetite at the moment, or you would starve yourself. So you simply hummed and hastened to finish your meal.
You tried not to think about the two empty seats as you sipped your drink. James and Peter were having small talk, trying to lighten the mood. You didn't listen to that either.
You swallowed your last piece as slowly as possible, delaying the inevitable. James looked at you briefly, and you understood what it meant. He raised from his seat, having you follow him.
When you two found an abandoned corner, you turned to him, tuning out the racing of your heart.
"You didn't sleep, did you?" he pointed under your eyes with a nod of his head. You shook your head.
"Did you talk to him?"
Unfamiliar gloom darkened James's features. "I did. Told him everything."
He glanced at you before averting his eyes away again. "He just listened. Thanked me in the end and said he wanted to be left alone."
Your heart clenched in pain. You didn't want him to be left alone. "Where is he?"
"Dunno. Didn't look for him."
"Where's Sirius?"
James stayed silent for a few seconds. "Dunno, either. We had a fight, but my guess is somewhere in the forest in his animagi form."
You didn't dwell on it any further. You loved Sirius, but you loved Remus more than anyone. Albeit you weren't furious at him, you still didn't plan on seeing him any sooner.
"I need to talk to Remus, James."
"I truly don't know where he is."
You had to find him. You had to find him and tell him that it wasn't his fault.
You nodded at James, mumbling a quick bye before wandering around the castle, trying to figure out where he could be.
He wouldn't go to the library. It would be an easy guess for anyone trying to find him.
James said Sirius would be outside of the castle. You were sure Remus wouldn't risk encountering him.
That left you two or three places that you knew Remus would run whenever he wanted to avoid people. So you got going.
You didn't find him at Room of Requirement or Hospital Tower. You cursed the school for being this large in area. It took you almost an hour to get from one side of the castle to another. Fortunately, you were sure Remus was on the Astronomy Tower.
As you got closer and closer to the tower, anticipation chased your heartbeats high, your hands fidgeting with their fingers. You took a moment to regulate your breathing, which had no effect on your pacing heart.
Without wasting one more moment, you entered the tower.
There he was, sitting on the ground, his head low between his hands. Around him was cold and dark, gleaming with the light from the Moon and stars. Your heart ached at the sight of him. You stepped forward, letting the sound of your footsteps alert him. He didn't acknowledge you, but you were sure he had heard you. Heartbreak burned through you, maiming you because of the distance between you two.
Your steps stopped next to him. He still hadn't looked up to you but hadn't asked you to go away either. So you sat next to him, raising your head to gaze at the stars while his head was low between his hands.
"The stars are beautiful, Remus."
He didn't budge. He didn't even move. You peeked at his chocolate-brown hair, suppressing the urge to mess with them.
"Your hair looks nice today."
Silence. You didn't know if he was ignoring you or simply ignoring everyone, and it wasn't something about you.
"Doesn't your neck hurt?"
"No."
You gulped when his voice echoed in the air.
"It must hurt if you've been keeping it like that for a long time."
"It doesn't."
"Liar."
Silence again. You yearned for his voice once more.
"You can put your head on my shoulder, Remus."
"No."
"Why not?"
"Go away, dove."
His voice was fragile and pleading. It broke your heart, shattered it into million little pieces. A lump made its way to your throat.
"Why?" you asked, a voice as broken as your heart. "I don't want to go away."
"But I want you to," he loosened his fingers from his hair, dropping them to his lap.
You turned to him. "Don't push me away, Remus."
You reached for his hand, but he gently pulled them away. "Remus, please."
He shook his head, still not looking at you.
"I need to know why you don't want me here."
He left your side, ambling to the parapet of the tower and leaning to it. You stared at his back in disbelief.
"Remus-"
"Go away, Y/N."
"You won't even look at my face when you kick me out."
Finally, he snapped his head and locked eyes with you. His eyes looked tired, blazing into yours. He had a new scar under his lower lip, from James's horns, probably.
"Go away."
You stood up, frowning in annoyance. "No, I'm not going anywhere," you took stern steps in his direction and closed the disturbing distance. "We need to talk, Remus."
You adored his amber eyes despite your annoyance. You loved to dive into its depth and get lost, sorting out every colour one by one.
He stayed where he was, but you detected his eyes lowering from your eyes. He stared at the cut above your cheek, clenching his jaw.
You unconsciously turned away and hid it from Remus. Memories flooded in a blink and raised the panic inside you. You could still feel the wind hitting your face and the sting from the branch that cut your skin as you fled for your life from the beast.
"It's nothing," you uttered.
Remus scoffed at your face. You saw his eyes change into something harsh and his brows furrow.
"Yeah, sure. The cut in your arm is also nothing."
You didn't ask how he knew that. After all, James did tell you that he would let Remus know everything.
"It'll heal."
"And why is it there in the first place?"
Remus took a step forward when you didn't answer.
What were you supposed to say? Because his wolf form chased you down, and you got injured trying to flee?
"I'll tell you why," he said, voice raised. "Because I hunted you down, tossed you to the ground, and yanked you around. I only did it so I could kill you."
"No–"
"Is that what you wanted to talk about? How I'm a bloodthirsty monster whose first instinct is to kill?"
"You weren't yourself."
"What would happen if James wasn't there?"
You pushed your lips together and closed your eyes. This was the last thing you wanted to talk about.
"No, open your eyes," he raised your head by your chin, forcing you to look him in the eye. "Tell me what would've happened if James wasn't there."
You blinked away the tears that were threatening to invade your vision. Remus made you relive the same nightmare you had that night over and over again.
"Why are you doing this?"
"Because I need you to understand! I need you to understand that I'm not someone you can fucking love!"
You startled in your place, both by his anger and claim. Something had burst into flames inside you now that he had finally acknowledged your feelings.
You opened your mouth to quarrel, to tell him he's wrong, and that you loved him more than anyone or anything in the world. But he didn't let you interrupt him.
"You think I haven't thought about what you said in the last two days? You haven't left my mind for even a bloody second!" his tone was raised but broken.
"You were the one pushing me away!"
"Because I wanted to keep you away from all this shit! I wanted you to see me as something other than a cursed boy. Why do you think I never shared that secret with you?!"
"That secret is part of your story, Remus. If you thought that I wouldn't love you with it, you must've been out of your mind."
You didn't think he understood the depth of your love for him, and you needed him to understand. It didn't even matter if your feelings were not returned.
He shook his head no.
"No one, Y/N, no one loves a monster like me."
"I do," you pleaded.
Words weren't enough to convince him or express your love for him, but you were trying.
He took your arm in his hand and pulled the left sleeve of your sweater up, revealing the gash. You tried to pull your arm back, but he overpowered you, tightening the hold on your arm. You grimaced when his fingers pushed on the scar.
"This is what happens when you love someone like me."
You used your whole strength and tugged your arm back. You marvelled at your tone when you spoke.
"Stop it! You weren't yourself, Remus!"
"How does that even change anything?!" he screamed, his voice breaking and his eyes tearing up. "Don't you understand? I am a danger to you!
"Remus–"
"You think this is easy for me?! I have fucking lost my mind these last two days because you were the only one in it! My brain wouldn't think of any name other than yours! My heart wouldn't beat for any name other than yours! And when I am finally ready to tell you that I love you, too, James comes and tells me that I almost fucking killed you!"
His eyes were blood red, and the veins in his neck had popped up. Tears left his red eyes and paved the way down from his jawline to his neck.
Remus was crying.
It was a sight you had never got used in the last five years.
Your mind refused to work, denying to comprehend the words that left his mouth. It was all too much, and all in one moment.
"You love me, too?'
You didn't recognise your own voice, probably because all you could hear was Remus's confession. You expected your heart to race this time also, but instead, it was dead silent. Or maybe you were just too focused on Remus's eyes.
His tears never stopped, and he never tried to stop them.
He was breaking down at last.
You walked up to him and closed whatever distance was left. You looked up into his eyes as he lowered them to you.
"But you didn't kill me," you whispered, bringing your hand to his cheek. He closed his eyes, raining more tears on your hand. You gently wiped them away.
"I'm here, Remus. I'm here, and I'm telling you that I love you. I don't love you despite your curse, I love you with it."
Remus scrunched up his face, letting out a sob before sinking his head down your shoulder. You felt his tears on your neck.
At that moment, you knew no words would ever soothe the storm in his heart.
So you held him as he bawled like a child.
His crying sent daggers to your heart, ripping it open.
You begged for his pain to become yours so that he would never hurt the way he was hurting now.
You didn't know how many minutes past. All you knew was Remus's sobs and whimpers hurt you like nothing else ever did.
You didn't let go when the heavy sobs turned into heavy sighs or when the tear-fall in your neck turned into warm breaths.
You caressed his hair and kissed his neck when he calmed down. When he talked, it was gritty and low.
"I'm a monster, dove. A monster that will tear you to pieces if you get near."
"I love you," you whispered. You felt him let a short, breathy scoff to the crook of your neck.
"I attacked Snape last night like a beast."
"I love you."
"I almost killed you."
"I love you."
"I love you too."
You shut your eyes, breaking your face into a tiny smile. Four words, one sentence, and his lips close to your neck was all you needed for revival.
Remus inched away from your neck, lingering his lips next to your wound. The red in his eyes hadn't worn off, but the brown of his eyes was blazing with affection.
You drew a sharp breath when he kissed above your cheek.
He caressed the nick lengthwise with tender pecks. His hand grazed your other cheek while the other one made its way to your waist.
You held your breath when he lowered his lips, hovering them above your lips. His hot breath tingled your face, you fought the urge to close your eyes.
He whispered your name, and that's when you gave in. You closed your eyes and unknowingly parted your lips.
One second lasted one year.
Something flamed up down in your chest when you felt Remus's soft lips on yours. He kissed your lips gentle and soft, but short. Pulling back, he stared into your eyes, chestnut brown darkening with every second.
"I love you," he whispered.
Within a blink, his lips crashed into your lips again, this time more intense, more passionate, taking away the air in your lungs. You melted to his touch, letting his lips savour yours while his hand on your waist tugged you closer. Your breaths mingled together, leaving your heart fluttering in your ribcage.
If time had stopped and trapped you at this moment, you wouldn't complain.
You craved his scent on your soul, his touch on your body and his lips on your lips. But most importantly, you were more than glad to be buried in his love.
He pulled away and smiled at the way you filled your lung with air. You felt his thumb caress your face.
"There's no getting rid of me, now, dove."
His smile was tired, his eyes still carrying the heartbreak of yesterday. You knew he was still a broken boy inside, but you loved him anyway.
Thank you for reading. Let me know what you think!
if you enjoyed my writing and this fic, please, buy me a cofee <33
2K notes
·
View notes
Ghost Of You | J. Miller (Chapter Five)
Series Summary / Grief is a strange thing. In the beginning it had been all-consuming. There wasn’t a moment of the day where you didn’t cry, didn’t ask yourself why it couldn’t have been you instead. And no-one ever explains the guilt you feel when it isn’t anymore. When it’s just a dull ache and you can finally breathe again, when you can start letting people get close to you again. People like Joel Miller.
Pairing / Joel Miller x Widow F!Reader
Word Count / 3.7k
Warnings / FLUFF. ACTUAL FLUFF AND SOME HAPPINESS. Talking about suicide, mourning and descriptions of grief and depression. And a little surprise right at the end that I will not spoil for y'all.
Authors Note / Okay. I LOVE THIS CHAPTER SO MUCH. I have to admit when I wrote it I actually made myself cry and that's no word of a lie. I am having so much fun fleshing this story out and I hope that the slow burn isn't too slow for y'all but I promise these two are moving in the direction we want them to move in - I PROMISE YOU. If you enjoy this then I would LOVE to hear from you - Comments, reblogs and asks genuinely make my day.
Series Masterlist | Main Masterlist
A week later, your garden is abuzz with life. Tommy has dragged the kettle grill from his garden into your own and is currently trying to get the coals to light, Joel is standing over his shoulder trying to get him to listen to what he thinks will work. You giggle to yourself when Tommy follows Joel’s instructions, and the flames catch. Younger brother yet again bested by his older brother’s knowledge.
Maria is stepping out of the kitchen with plates and cutlery, placing them on the table, where Ellie is sat curled on the chair with her nose in a book. She’d come to the library on Monday and switched Artemis Fowl for the Chronicles of Narnia, another good choice in your opinion, and she’d spent most of the last thirty minutes with her nose stuck in the book.
“Here you go, honey,” Maria pushes a glass of blackberry wine into your hand, “Shane sent us a bloody crate of this stuff, he’s made so much this year.”
You clink your glass with her own and take a sip, letting the sweet liquid fall down your throat. You have to admit it was getting better with every year. The first year Shane had proudly debuted his wine it was way too sour, everyone apart from Tommy had been too polite to tell him so. The next year, it had been drowned in enough sugar to give anyone diabetes, but now he was getting the hang of it, and with the sun starting to lower in the sky and all your favourite people, apart from one, around you, you had to admit you thought you were happy.
You’d spent all day cooking side dishes that you’d saved up your ration cards for. Potato salad, a slapdash attempt at Greek salad, just without feta and balsamic vinegar, you’d even made a fresh loaf of bread. Maria and Tommy had brought meat to grill – there were steaks from the last lot of cows to have been slaughtered, chicken that Maria had skewered with peppers, and even burgers and sausages. Your luck to have found this place never failed to amaze you. You could convince yourself all this was back on the street you’d lived at in California before outbreak day. Ellie had even attempted to make a pie as dessert. She’d lifted the cloth covering the pastry when she’d knocked on the door, Joel in tow.
“It’s apple, because I remember you saying that was your favourite,” You’d smiled and pulled her into a quick hug, “Joel insisted on a whole pastry lid though, something about it being better than the lattice.”
You’d looked him in the eye, “Well, Joel is outnumbered here, but we’ll let him off for tonight.”
He’d dipped to kiss your cheek as he’d walked in through the threshold, passing a bottle of whiskey to you, “If you set that in the freezer it’ll be nice and chilled for something to drink after dinner.”
Once the flames have died down and the coals are embers, you watch Tommy set the chicken skewers on the grill. You head inside and pull your sides out of the fridge, cutting slices of bread. There’s a tiny amount of butter left which you also pull out, setting everything on the table outside, watching as Ellie’s eyes bulge at foods she’d never experienced before. You smirk at her, whispering that she’s welcome to try anything she wants but to make sure Joel doesn’t catch her, sure that he’ll chide her for her manners.
You go back inside and pull another plate out for Tommy to set the cooked meat on and fill two tumblers of whiskey for the two of them, setting them on the empty plate to take them down to the men.
“It never fails to amaze me how much cooking on fire takes you men back to the dark ages.” You joke, holding the plate out for Joel to take a glass, which he does gladly, neither him nor Tommy enjoying Shane’s homebrewed beer much by the looks of it.
You hand Tommy the plate once he’s taken his own glass, “Didn’t Sarah always used to say the same thing?” Tommy asked, Joel nods in agreement, “Somethin’ about being cavemen.”
You laugh and leave them to it, heading back to the table where Maria and Ellie are talking together. As you sit down you can tell that Ellie is attempting (and failing) to get Maria to let her try her wine.
“You don’t want this, trust me,” You smirk, sitting down on the chair next to her, “I’ve been drinking my entire life and it’s already going to my head.”
You make polite conversation around the table for a little while until Tommy is walking towards you with a plate full of grilled meat. He sets it down before he sits down next to his wife, Joel taking the other unoccupied chair opposite you. Within moments, plates are full and you’re all eating in silence.
Joel watches you intently as you cut a slice of steak. He watches as your eyes close and your head tilts back a little until a little groan falls from your mouth. He can’t stop his brain from thinking how much he’d like to be the one making your eyes close and your head tilt back like that. God, he really was getting old if a singular glass of whiskey had him thinking like this. He drags his gaze from you back to his own plate of food, so you don’t catch the darkening of his eyes.
“Tommy, Jesus Christ, I haven’t had steak like this in so long.” You’re praising his brother, breaking off a slice of bread to dip into the dripping that’s come from the resting steak.
Everyone is silent as you make your way through the rest of the meal. Once you’ve all eaten your fill there’s less left that you thought there would be, everyone obviously making the most of the rare luxury of meat.
Ellie insists that although you’re all fit to burst, you have to try a slice of apple pie and you’re thankful you did. She’d done an absolutely fantastic job of it on her own and you couldn’t help the swell of your heart as she’d grinned when you told her it was just as good as the one you’d made together, backed up by everyone else around the table.
Maria and Ellie do the dishes together, packaging up leftovers for everyone to take home with them for the next day as Joel and Tommy start a small fire on the grass of your garden in a small drum that you don’t dare ask where he got it from. You tell Ellie about your days camping with your dad, toasting marshmallows and getting sticky when you tried to pull it off the toasting stick.
You drink whiskey for the first time in ages as you swap stories across the fire and you can’t help but smile. You love this little bunch of people, the five of them, sat around, keeping you company, making everything seem just that little bit easier.
You glance to your left a little while later, Ellie is asleep, resting her head on her hand. The conversation has lulled a little, Maria and Tommy are holding each other’s hands, glancing at Ellie too.
“I think I’m ready to call it a night,” Maria speaks, “We’ll take Ellie back to yours Joel, you stay here and finish your drink.”
He’s just poured himself another glass of whiskey from the bottle and is cradling it in his impossibly large hands. He nods, gently waking Ellie to tell her that Maria and Tommy will walk her home and he’ll be back soon once he finishes his drink. She doesn’t argue, standing up with a yawn.
“Thanks for today,” She says to you, bending down to your chair to give you a quick hug, “I’m glad you liked the pie.”
You smile at her and say that you hope you’ll see her soon, bidding her a goodnight. She gives Joel a hug too, telling him not to stay out too late because he’s an old man. He snorts but agrees he won’t stay long.
Maria and Tommy also give you a hug, insisting that you stay put instead of standing. And then they’re all gone and it’s just you and Joel sat around the fire. It’s quiet, the silent never uncomfortable between the two of you.
“Can I ask a question?” You ask quietly, once the silence becomes too much, looking down at the glass of whiskey in your hands.
The fire is warm, even if its flames have died down. It’s casting a gentle orange glow across Joel’s features which makes him look soft, even more welcoming than normal.
“Of course you can.” He replies, sipping his own drink.
“How long did it take for you to feel okay again?” You can’t look him in the eye, can’t look at him altogether, it’s a personal question, one you never thought you’d feel okay asking, but the wine and whiskey have made you brave, “You know, after Sarah?”
He’s silent for a long time. Long enough that you wonder if you’ve upset him. You’re about to open your mouth to apologise for overstepping a line when he speaks, “It wasn’t time that did it,” He answers, thinking back to the last time he’d said those words, it’s still true, “It’s more about what I found that made it easier.”
You’re running a finger around the rim of your glass trying to distract yourself but you can feel his eyes on you, “It never goes away, not really,” He sighs, “Not to make you feel even worse about things, but it shrinks a little, until you can remember all the good things about that person, instead of how much it hurts that you don’t have them anymore.”
“What was it like for you?” You look at him now and fuck he’s pretty. No amount of grief would deny the way your stomach flipped when you see him in this moment. The flickering orange light of the flame illuminating the shadows of his face, his eyes are darker than normal, and you think you might just drown yourself in them if you look any longer, “What was your grief like?” You look away, trying to ignore the lump in your throat.
You watch as he leans his elbow on the arm of the chair, resting his fingers on his mouth as if he’s contemplating what to say to you, “I couldn’t see the point of life without her anymore,” He speaks softly, “Sarah was gone, the world was gone, so what was I still doin’ here, you know?��� You nod, because you do know. You know all too well. “In those first few days after I tried to kill myself,” You let in a sharp inhale of breath, which he doesn’t acknowledge, “I was ready, I wasn’t scared, but I flinched, and for twenty years I always wondered why. Why did I flinch when I pulled that trigger?” He’s silent again for a while and you want to reach out and offer your hand to him, but again, you don’t, you keep it in your own lap, “I guess what I’m tryin’ to say is that it won’t always break your heart, but I think you already know that,” You nod in agreement as you close your eyes, “You’ve just gotta find the next thing worth livin’ for.”
You want to tell him you’re sorry, but when had that ever helped you? No amount of sorry from anyone was going to bring your respective people back. You’d always thought that saying sorry was a cop out anyway. Something someone said when they didn’t know what else to say, so you didn’t.
“You know, it never even crossed my mind.” You muse, mostly to yourself than anything else.
“What didn’t?”
“Killing myself,” You reply almost immediately, “I think now that it would have been the easiest thing, I could have been with him, I wouldn’t have been here to listen to everyone gossip about me, I wouldn’t have spent a year of my life practically locked in my house, but it never once crossed my mind.”
“You wanna know what I think?” He asks, watching you as you nod, “I think that’s because deep down you knew you’d be okay, whether you realized it or not,” He’s reaching for the nearly empty bottle of whiskey to top his glass up, “I know it hurts, sweet pea, trust me, but you’ll know what love is again someday.”
It’s such a striking thing for him to say that it catches you completely off guard. Outside of the handful of times this evening that you’ve caught yourself thinking of how utterly beautiful a man Joel Miller is, you’ve never thought about finding someone else. Mark was meant to be your one and only, you’ve vowed to each other that was the case, signed your names on a piece of paper to the same effect. ‘Til death us do part. It’s silly but when you’d uttered those words to Mark, you’d always imagined dying together. Old age, hands held, drifting off together. In reality it hadn’t been old age, but you’d held hands, right until the bitter end, but then you were left here, all alone, and he was gone.
“You know those romantic movies we used to watch before?”
“You used to watch.” He interrupts, a small smile on his face.
“Alright, those romantic movies I used to watch,” You let out a little giggle, “Whenever someone died before their time, they would inevitably get just the right amount of time to tell the person they loved that they wanted to move on?” Joel nods that he knows what you’re talking about, “I guess I’ve always thought I needed his permission, not really just to find someone else, but to move on and live my life again.”
“Did you need his permission for much when he was around?” He asks.
You shake your head, “He was always so laid back, even when we were on our own out of the quarantine zones, we were a team, but we understood each other, understood what we both needed, so no, not really.”
Joel speaks without a pause, “Then you just need to ask yourself for permission then.”
Silence falls between you both again. You’re staring at the flames in front of you and draining your glass of whiskey. It was never your favourite, you didn’t like the way it burnt on your tongue or the feeling of it settling in your stomach, but like anything in this world, it was the case of any port in a storm. Joel follows suit and drains the last of his drink.
“I should really be gettin’ back,” He speaks softly, “But thank you, for today, it’s been one of the nicest days I can remember.”
You both stand up, Joel taking the empty glasses and you taking hold of the whiskey bottle with the last bit of amber liquid in the bottom. He walks in front, stopping to drop the glasses in the sink which you insist you’ll wash up yourself. You set the whiskey bottle on the side and follow him to the front door.
He pauses before he can turn the handle and open the door and you wonder what’s going on. Joel is the kind of man who is always sure of his actions, never falters, but his hand is outstretched and he’s not moving. You’re leant against the wall on one shoulder at the bottom of the stairs that lead to the top floor of your house when he turns back around to you.
“I think he’d want you to be happy, sweet pea,” He breathes, “You have too much love in here to not give it to anyone else.” His fingertips are brushing the space between your breasts where your heart is, and you wonder when he got so fucking close to you.
You look up and he’s looming over you, those beautiful brown eyes looking directly through yours and into your soul. His hands are cupping your cheeks. Those rough and calloused palms are warm against your skin which had cooled in the evening air. You can’t quite believe it but you’re tilting your face up towards him and he’s leaning his down towards yours and before you know it, his lips are pressed to yours so softly you might cry. You can sense his hesitation but as your eyes flutter closed, you’re pushing yourself onto your toes to press your lips more firmly to his.
And then it all comes crashing over you. The moment you close your eyes, it’s not Joel’s face in your mind, it’s Mark’s. It’s his hands cupping your face, they were softer than Joel’s. It was hit scent you could remember through your nostrils, not the smoke and musk you could smell of Joel. Your hands are fisting the lapels of his jacket as you pull away, pulling in a sigh as he rests his forehead against yours before pulling himself away. He’s still close enough that your hands are still on his jacket, but he’s dropped his hands from his face.
“I’m sorry, Joel,” You whisper, shaking your head, “I can’t.” Is what you murmur.
He drops his head and steps back from you, making your hands drop from his jacket, he’s turning on his heel and heading to the door with a mumbled apology.
“Joel!” You call out before he has chance to shut the door behind him, he turns and faces you, “I’m not saying never,” You confess, “Just not right now.”
You watch as a flash of hope appears on his face and he’s giving you that signature lop-sided smile, “I’ll wait, sweet pea.” And then he’s gone.
*
It’s late and Joel can’t sleep. He’s been tossing and turning since he got into bed an hour ago, replaying the events of the evening in his mind. He’s trying to blame his irrational choice to kiss you on the whiskey, but he knows it isn’t true. Every day he’s seen you since you sat down and ate strawberry pie together, he’s wanted to kiss you. Wanted to kiss the sadness and the grief out of your body and put you back together again. It had nothing to do with the whiskey and everything to do with you.
The way you’d asked him about his own grief, so quiet and unsure as to whether you were overstepping a line. The way you’d listened to him talk about wanting to end everything but didn’t offer an apology or the look in your eyes that told him you felt sorry for him. The way that every time he spoke to you, you opened up a little bit more, let him in a little more. Hell, even the way you’d winced at every mouthful of whiskey. It was all you. And it had been a dumb fucking decision.
He could hear the break in your voice as you’d told him you couldn’t, like you were afraid of letting him down. He couldn’t stop thinking about how you’d said, ‘Just not right now’ and his stupid smile at your words. He didn’t want to push your boundaries this much, didn’t want you to think you owed him anything. He just wanted to make you less miserable.
He runs a hand over his face and grumbles to himself. He knows sleep won’t find him now. His head won’t shut up and all he really wants to do is run to your front step and tell you he’s sorry, that you don’t have to make him feel better by telling him to wait if you don’t mean it. He’ll never forget the spark of electricity down his spine when your lips touched him, or how he craved to push his whole body against yours when your hands had pulled at the lapel of his jacket, but he doesn’t need you to feel like you must want him back.
If only he knew that you were led in your own bed, a few streets over, in a similar state of insomnia. Led in your bed, staring up at the ceiling, wishing that Mark’s face hadn’t been at the forefront of your mind when you’d closed your eyes. That’s what does it, what fills your body with panic. That you wished for the first time that you didn’t think about him. You’d wanted it to be all Joel, consumed by him, you didn’t want Mark’s face in the back of your mind.
Tears roll down your cheeks and onto your pillow. Your brain is telling you that soon enough he won’t be there. You keep wishing he wasn’t, and he won’t be, you’ll forget about him, forget the shape of his body against yours, the sound of his voice in your ear, and surely that’s not right. Surely you should always want to remember him. Your first love, your first everything, really.
Joel was a good man. One of the best you’d ever had the pleasure of knowing, and he didn’t deserve someone who wasn’t able to give their all, someone who would always close their eyes and see their dead husband. You couldn’t make him wait for you, but could you let him go? Could you let Joel go? The man who had fixed your rotted porch step just because he didn’t want you to hurt yourself. The man who didn’t push you for insight into your grief, just stood there and let you be, letting you share when you were ready. The man who had been through the same kind of loss as you and had been walking around for the last twenty years knowing he failed at ending it all.
You run a hand over your face and decide that no, you couldn’t let him walk away, but you weren’t quite ready to let someone in like that. You needed to speak to him, to lay all your cards on the table for once, and that scared the shit out of you. It was time to put your big girl pants on and face the music.
PREV | NEXT
Joel Miller Taglist - @winwin70 @jessie8605 @trulybetty @amanitacowboy @morning-star-joy @tieronecrush @leeeesahhh @babeincolor @beee-haw @kirsteng42 @mirandablue1 @sixxslut @impala1967dwinchester @flash2412 @gimmebackmysoul @kelp-dreaming @gracie7209 @voteforpedro09 @brittmb115 @karokaroxx @amb11 @heartfairy @grumpy-the-tired @Lillilotus @doctorstatic @morallyinept @southernbe @elissaa @pop-sugar102 @u-luciferssatanicdaughter @alyhull @purplerain44 @harryleatherfit @lovely-ateez @emilianamason @bootyliciousposts @lorilane33 @casa-boiardi
195 notes
·
View notes