#this is how I describe my adhd to others: feeling stuck

[lutawolf]

My Personal Weatherman and the D/s element Ep 4

If you haven't read the others, they can be found here.

Ahhh, nothing gets me going like a sub wearing what their Dom picked out. That subtle ownership. Why yes, I do pick out all my husband's clothes except the dreaded work clothes. I refuse to take the blame for those tacky things.

Right off, we can easily see that this is not an M/s situation. The fact that Segasaki is asking Yoh what he wants to do, tells us exactly what we need to know. Yoh is explaining what he is going to do. That is not something a slave would ever even think to do. We can easily tell that he is a subby sub though, cause when Segasaki brings out the Dom, Yoh eases back.

OMG, that chin grab! @bl-bam-beyond pretty please gif that chin grab.

That chin grab with the "No." Ugh, how all my lovely subs doing? Are you still here? Have you been able to finish the show? Or are you stuck here on rewind?

Yoh actually questions Segasaki as to why not. Anybody still thinking Yoh a slave? Cause not to be rude, I can't fix stupid. This boy, a brat. Fuck, this whole scene is really showcasing their dynamic. "But we made a promise." "Tell her that you can't go anymore. Do it. Do you even know why you are in this house." And once again, we're back at the misunderstanding stage.

A fangirl, I see. OMG, this is adorable. Yoh is like, sure. Let's look at the tie of my Dom, bestie.

Yoh calling with Segasaki standing over him. This episode is killing me in the best possible way. Don't revive me! (No! I have not taken my ADHD meds, don't judge me!) "I was ordered to stay home." Hahahaha! Then the ahhhh, after he tells her that he will make it up to her. Letting you know he was likely just punished by Segasaki. Yes, my mind went here.

Then the reward of the head pat, "you did good."

She showed up to check on him! Woot! Haha, she is about to find out who is boyfriend is. Hahaha. I'm dying. Meanwhile, his boyfriend is like, "guess it's time for a face off." Ya'll I'm not okay. I'm laughing so hard.

And Yoho stepped over a line and got put in his place. But he is too busy having a crisis to care! 🤣🤣🤣 Her face is my favorite.

That effortless lie. He wasn't feeling well. Uh huh. I love these two dumbass friends. I need sake too!!! I'm dying. Shit, I can't breathe through the laughter.

Now it's Yoh's turn to be jealous. Ahh, he got drunk and fell asleep on the floor. The places we find comfortable when we are drunk.

Nope, he doesn't want to go to the bed. I love the outer dialogue we are getting. I really enjoy that we get Yoh's side of things and from his perspective, but this rounds it out a bit for me.

And look at that beautiful smile when Segasaki finds out she's married. "Are you in your rebellious phase." Does this sound familiar to certain people whom I will not mention by name!?! Hmmm! Brats! Stop breaking my heart! Make him stop Segasaki, make him stop!

Fuck, I love these two so much. Everything he is describing is very much a Brat Tamer. Bossy but gentle. Controlling but caring. Charming and unreasonable. Brat Tamer.

The way his squishes Yoh's face! Ahhh, these two are gonna kill me!

"It would be nice if you stayed drunk forever." Because of the honesty. Segasaki likes Yoh's quirks, but he also wants the honesty and the connection.

I need the curry story now! But apparently, I must wait. Heavy sigh.

Hope you guys enjoyed this! Let me know in the tags if you did. 💜💜💜 See you next time.

[nebula--nix]

writeblr intro!

Hello! My name is Phoenix (though you can also call me Nix). This is my writeblr (and also my main so I occasionally post other stuff here too)!

Feel free to tag me in tag games and send me asks if you'd like, I don't bite!

A little more about me:

In my 20s

Nonbinary (he/they pronouns)

Queer and on the aroace spectrum

Neurodivergent/disabled (autism, ADHD, and some other stuff)

My fiancee also has a writeblr that I highly recommend following, here's her intro post!

What I write:

Young adult, science fiction, and fantasy

Currently I have two WIPs

The first WIP is Heroic, a young adult novel about teenage superheroes (no intro post yet, and this one is currently on the backburner while I focus on Quantum Immortality)

Second WIP is Quantum Immortality (intro post), and it's a science fiction novel about an amnesiac stuck in a time loop where he dies at the end (this is the one I'm currently drafting)

My stories pretty much always have LGBTQ+ main characters, and often feature polyamorous relationships

I also write random articles about whatever catches my interest over at Medium, I might share ones on writing here at some point

I occasionally write fanfiction as well, maybe I'll share that here at some point but who knows

What I read:

Honestly not sure how to describe my taste in books, but I like genres like YA, science fiction, fantasy, you name it

I'm a massive fan of the Locked Tomb series by Tamsyn Muir which should tell you all you need to know about me

Currently I am rereading the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series

You can find me on Storygraph as well (like Goodreads but not owned by Amazon! pretty neat site)

Other places you can find me:

Bluesky

Witchy Tumblr

Ko-fi

Mastodon

[writerscafehub]

𝙸𝙽𝚃𝚁𝙾𝙳𝚄𝙲𝙸𝙽𝙶 𝙾𝚄𝚁 𝙱𝙰𝚁𝙸𝚂𝚃𝙰 𝙵𝙾𝚁 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝙳𝙰𝚈: @the-iceni-bitch

ೀ ㅤ۫ ㅤ۪ㅤ۫ ㅤ ♡ ㅤ . 𝐆𝐄𝐓 𝐓𝐎 𝐊𝐍𝐎𝐖 𝐍𝐀𝐓𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐄:

From one to five stars, how would you rate your writing? (No downplaying yourself!)

Oh god, a 3.5? I will admit that it’s very hard for me not to downplay myself, it’s what I’m best at. I will say that I have gotten much better as a writer since I took it back up.

2. What do you think makes your writing stand out from other works?

I think probably my dialogue. I find myself able to sink into relationship dynamics quite easily and am able to show a character’s personality through their conversation with other characters rather than just describing it.

3. Are there any writers that inspire you?

Well, I have to give credit where credit is due as @stargazingfangirl18 is the whole reason I started writing fanfic. Other fanfic authors I find myself drawing inspired from would be @angrythingstarlight, @boxofbonesfic, @slothspaghettiwrites, @onsunnyside, and @howdoyousleep3. For my non-fanfic writing I draw a lot of inspiration for Ursula LeGuin, George R.R. Martin, Robert Jordan, and Tolkien of course.

4. What’s the fic you’re most proud of?

Definitely In the Pines. It’s so different from anything else I’ve ever written and I honestly love it. It’s so haunting and I’m very proud of the prose.

5. Which character(s) do you find easiest to write and which do you find most difficult to write?

Easiest is absolutely the quadrouple - my Ransom/reader/Ari/Jake kinda polycule that’s part of my No Love Like Your Love AU. I also find it really easy to write for Natasha and her peach from that same AU. Most difficult? Oof, off the top of my head Mike Weiss, he’s just kinda depressing.

6. Who or what do you find yourself writing about most?

Again, the quadrouple. They’re my comfort characters for a reason. I also just love writing about people in relationships, about them being in love and working through tough times but coming out better for it. I love when two (or more) people are just completely open and honest with each other and do their best to make each other better.

7. Tell us about a WIP you’re excited about!

Fic wise all the upcoming stuff for the NLLYL verse, and there’s a lot. But I am most excited about my novel! It has so many characters that I love so much. It delves into stuff I’ve never written before but that I found surprisingly intriguing. And of course, there’s a ton of bangable characters. Blorbos for everyone.

8. First fandom you ever wrote for?

The Chris Evans fandom. I can’t help it, I want to fuck so many of that man’s characters. 

9. Any guilty pleasure trope(s)?

Omegaverse for sure. Specifically knotting and scent. I just want a giant, masculine smelling animal of a man to fuck me and then have his cock locked inside me for an hour. And the snuggly vibes of nesting and just having a bunch of soft and comforting things around you that smell like someone you love feeds the marshmallow romantic inside me.

10. A trope you’ll never, ever write for.

Look, every time I say I’m never going to write for something I end up writing it. But I can hopefully say that scat will never happen.

11. Wildest fic you’ve ever written?

Probably the one where Deadpool is stuck in a self-insert fanfic. It breaks the fourth wall and it’s short but it’s weird as fuck.

12. Favorite pairing to write for? (platonic or romantic!)

Ari and Jake. They’re so soft and sweet and perfect and I am never going to let anything bad happen to them ever.

13. Do you listen to anything while you write?

With my ADHD I have to. It’s usually just the tv though. I’ll put some sitcom I’ve watched a million times on in the background.

14. One-shots or multi-chaptered works?

This is kinda tough! I love creating AUs but I feel like those are more a bunch of one shots that just happen to be for the same couples in the same setting. But I also really love the actual series I’ve done. So I’m going to say multi-chapter.

15. Have you ever daydreamed about side adventures/spin-offs from your fic? Tell us about them!

Constantly! I mean, if I daydream about it I typically add it to my WIPs which is why I have so many. It’s usually just about my characters being happy and living their best lives in some way.

16. Is there anything you’ve wanted to write, but you’ve been too scared to try?

Not yet! I will say I’m a little bit intimidated still about writing for a male reader but after my first foray into it I feel much more comfortable.

17. What’s the nicest comment you’ve ever received?

I can’t think of a specific one but I’ve gotten a few from people who have told me my fics provide a little bright spot for them and I always enjoy hearing that! There was also an ask I got where someone told me they recommend and discuss my writing more than they do real authors and that felt pretty good.

18. Have you ever gone outside of your comfort zone for a fic? How did it turn out?

This goes back to what I mentioned before but definitely writing for a male reader. The reason I wanted to do it was part curiosity to see if I could do it and part desire to write for an audience I hadn’t had a chance to connect with. It turned out really well and aside from some cliche accusations of fetishization I had a lot of positive engagement.

19. Tooth-rotting fluff or merciless angst?

Fluff, always fluff. If I do the angst I end up living in it for days and I hate it. (I say this while hosting a giant angst ask a thon on my blog)

20. Do you have any OCs? Tell us about them!

For my fics, aside from my reader characters who in spite of being inserts are basically OCs, there’s the second generation of my NLLYL core group. All the kids are so cute and when they grow up there’s a lot of fun to be had, new romances and I could just go on and on about them. For my novel, oh my god you guys. There’s the Viking pirate sealord, the feminist icon, the super hot himbo best friend, the tiny and fiery lady of the lakes, the sexy villain, the spoiled but handsome prince. And that’s not even all of them.

21. If you could enter the universe of any one of your fics, which would it be and why?

Would it surprise anyone if I said the NLLYL verse? Because that’s the one. It’s like my security blanket.

22. Is there anything you wish your audience knew about your writing or writing process?

Just that I have zero control over where my muse goes. If you’re craving the next installment in a series or an AU I am also craving it, but I’m also not going to force my muse to go somewhere and put something out that isn’t up to my standards.

23. Copy and paste an excerpt you’re particularly fond of.

“The cold wind whipped through your nightgown and tangled it around your limbs as you stared at the sky in rapture, bathed in the silvery light of the moon like some kind of goddess.” - In The Pines

24. Ramble about any fic-related thing you want!

I just love the community I’ve been able to cultivate in the fic writing community. Not just the members of this server but so many readers who leave thoughtful and sweet comments that always make my day. 

[bloodyshadow1]

my detailed thoughts on the first season of Percy jackson.

Cons:

The pacing, I know everyone says this, but really the pacing of this season was all over the place. having 8 episodes while probably the only option for the writing team really hurt the series overall. Adding an additional episode would helped keep things better I think and would allow a better flow. Not to mention it would help keep things structured in a 3 act system with a beginning, middle, and end that a lot of stories, are told in which would have just fit and flowed better. I would prefer 12 eps, for each act having 4 eps, but that is greedy since they're probably going to be stuck with 8 for the rest of the series too

Lightning, the series was just too dark in a lot of scenes, I didn't have much of a problem because I watched on my smarttv, but I know a lot of people who watched on computers or phones had trouble

The beginning, there should have been more episodes in Camp Half-Blood, at least 1 more. I get that the meat of the story is in the journey, but by not establishing camp half-blood as the first place Percy felt like home it makes it feel emptier. I do like how they including flashbacks of luke training percy in the finale but I would have liked more in camp half blood before the start

There's a less wonder and magic in the series than there was in the books. I don't really know how to describe it, but the books made it feel like there were two worlds hiding within each other and there is magic everywhere. Just small things like Ares turning his lost shield into a bullet proof vest because that's the more modern take.

I'm not with a vocal part of the fandom that bitch and moan over the kids not falling into every trap, I like that Percy is smarter, but instead of just making him smarter, I think they should have just had him ask more questions, like if he was a 12 year old with ADHD who had his eyes open to a world. By making him ask questions, it would help let them explain the world more by having people answer Percy, instead of him knowing everything. Certain things I think could have been done better, like the Kronos reveal and the Luke reveal, it could be done as a reveal instead of Percy figuring it out and I think it would have worked better. like have Percy realize it when talking through the prophecy with Luke because Luke mentions the bolt and the helm, something Percy wouldn't have told him or anyone at camp.

For the most part, I like how they did the gods, with the exception with Zeus and Athena. Zeus is such a larger than life figure, as much as I love Lance Riddick's performance, he played him too epic. The Zeus from the books feels more like a powerful blowhard while the series makes him feel too cool to me. As for Athena, I'll admit I'm bias because she's my favorite god but I don't like her being made the villain in Annabeth's story especially offscreen. I get that they're playing up the gods being shit more than the books and since they made Poseidon more sympathetic, making Athena more antagonistic is a choice to make. I just don't think it fits her cold and logical, but still cares about her kids in her way that she was portrayed in the books.

Grover. I honestly like a lot of the things they added to his character, but I wish they didn't take away from his canon character moments. Not many, but I liked him being a different species than Percy and Annabeth, he isn't human, he's part goat and instead of the books stuff, he's more just a kid with different legs and short horns than another creature. Also by taking away his reed pipes and not showing him being able to do magic, it limits the character.

While people complain about the show... showing not telling, I feel like there was a lack of exposition in the show that wasn't there in the books. It kind of goes with Percy being smarter in the show than the books, but there's a lot of stuff left out of the show that is good world building. small example, no one mentions that monsters don't die for good, which is a very important plot point in heroes of olympus, even if they don't make it, it's a good thing to tell a new demi-gods. Or other plot points, like Annabeth wanting to see her father after all these years, despite how badly things broke before, which just kind of resolves offscreen.

Honestly though, it was only the fandom that ever really bothered me. Too many people focusing on uncharitable changes about the series that had to be made since there is a difference between a first person perspective book series and a tv series that they had to make. That they couldn't fit everything into an 8 ep series that's in a whole book

Pros:

Honestly, one of the best adaptions I've seen despite all the cons.

The acting in the show is awesome, the actors for the kids are young but perfect for the roles they were assigned. they might not look like the books, but I genuinely think it doesn't matter if they're going to be this good. Walker, Leah, and Aryan stand out as the stars of this show and for good reason

I really like the way they portrayed Luke in the tv series, I get the twist in the books, but by bringing up stuff with him earlier I think it makes him more sympathetic. I also think by not including the scorpion to kill Percy, and instead make it clear Luke doesn't want to kill Percy makes him feel more like a kid making a dumb decision instead of someone willing to murder a 12 year old.

I like how they portrayed Sally in the show even if some people disagree. I like that she shows more flaws and character than just being the sweetest saddest woman that she was in the books. As much as Sally loves Percy, him not only being a demi-god, but a neurodivergent kid, it wears on any parent's patience, especially a single mother. Having her get angry and lose her temper, having us as the viewers know what she's been through makes her feel more real and fits better for a tv show.

I like most of the effects, I think it fits in the show and looks better than a lot of blockbuster movies. Lightning aside. I think the monsters looked good and so did the magic even if I think the latter could be better

Honestly, I think the fight scenes were great for a disney show where the main character is supposed to be 12. I know people are annoyed with how short they are, but that's how they were in the books. I think they were adapted fine.

I like that since we're not in Percy's head, we get more of Annabeth and Grover. It feels like a real proper adventuring trio than the books where it felt like it was so Percy focused with Annabeth being the secondary main and grover being a main, but kind of sidekick character. Letting Grover and Annabeth be characters, to have scenes without Percy and changing things from the books, like having Annabeth seeing the fates cut the thread, makes more sense when you're not doing a first person books

Overall I think they changed things in a very fair and pragmatic sense. There were a lot, but there were less egergious than the movie that changed the whole plot.

[mightymizora]

Hello mighty mizora! Big fan here of your work the way you write is so mesmerizing honestly im always in awe!! I have a small question i hope its not annoying i've asked this question to another writer who i liked once but they were so mean to me back so i understand that maybe its not the best question to be asked but i have ADHD and i need alittle direction so i hope maybe you can give me some (its totally okay if you dont want to ! ) Do you have any pointers to someone who has never wrote anything past school essays and to do lists if they want to start writing fanfiction and have it be nice and expressive? I have so many ideas i write them down write 5 sentences thats like a summray maybe a few sentences of some scenes of romance sorta like a small outline it feels so dry... And i dont know what to do past that... Essays had structures and preferred starting intros and all that but i feel lost when i try and start a story, i know myself and i know once i start i will not shut up but starting feels like a wall and i dont know how to climb yk ?

Hey pal!

Firstly thank you so much and also I'm sorry you had a bad experience with another writer. You've asked this so nicely. And apologies for this being delayed I thought I had clicked post but I'd saved the draft again!

So I'm not going to claim to be an expert in this but the way I approach this is:

I start with what I want to say with a piece. What do I want to explore? What do I hope the reader will take away from it? I then jot those down for myself at the top of the document, just like you describe with your summary! If this changes as I discover things that's okay, but it's kind of my road map.

I usually also start in the middle of some action, or with a line of dialogue. Honestly you don't have to do this at all but the joy of fanfiction is you don't have to do loads of exposition! People know who the characters are and you can dive into things! It means you get stuck right in which I personally like.

I also don't write chronologically! I think we can get so stuck on things. I think of writing a story like pruning a garden, so I might write some "holding sentences" per scene and then work on scenes as they come to me. It's a good way to build up the bits as you are inspired. You can see this really clearly in a piece like Blood and Bone which is very sparse, some of the holding sentences in that fic are still in there.

When it comes to dialogue, I use the actioning method used in acting and I work out what people want to do by saying something. I like when characters don't say things outright, but say a hundred words by what they don't say. A character can say I love you, and it's good, but what if they say I don't want you to leave? What is left in the gaps?

When it comes to description I think I have a long way to go honestly but again. What are people seeing, smelling, tasting, seeing touching? What is their primary sense? Does it evoke anything else for them, or are they entirely in the moment? This can vary from character to character.

Another thing to think of is variant rhythm. Once you have a first draft down, go over it again and look at sentence structure. Can you add variation by changing the length of sentences? Can you tell a story in the rhythms you use? I'm a big fan of long run on sentences in romance showing a character losing control, for example.

And the big secret honestly is... you might well find your writing a bit dry! I find mine dry! I look at it squinting, asking whether the sex is sexy or if it's just way too out there or just completely misses the mark. We only really know when other eyes get to see it.

I hope that's helpful!

[donnerpartyofone]

First Pants, THEN Your Shoes

I spent a lot of time on the autism and ADHD subs before and in the aftermath of my ADHD diagnosis, and it was often helpful in contextualizing a lot of my nagging and seemingly unexplainable problems. The people there are generally nice, I never really saw any of the toxic behavior that Reddit is famous for. There's just one incident that stuck in my craw, where someone was dealing with issues of emotional access that I thought were so misunderstood by everyone who responded, I wanted to help somehow but I didn't know what to say.

Basically this person admitted that they just have no relationship with their parents. For their whole life they never experienced an authentic, loving connection, and faking it all the time was both exhausting and guilt-inducing. This was a pretty brave thing to express, but I thought that it basically made sense in a forum for people who are famously thought of as cold, rude, and "low empathy". But what happened was that a ton of people responded with "I feel this because" of their horrific history of open abuse and neglect, which I thought was clearly not what OP was describing--and then one person absolutely flipped the fuck out on them, posting a vicious tirade about what a bad person they were. The aggressor faught with a couple of other people before loudly announcing that this post had caused them to leave that subreddit for good. That seemed so cruel and unnecessarily personal to me, I really felt bad for OP who came to the autism forum like we all do to say "I have feelings or behaviors that are abnormal and I feel bad/confused/conflicted about them." I also felt bad that their confession had been conflated with the problems of child abuse and domestic violence, which they clearly did not address. I thought I knew what they meant. I think that I also have different kinds of emotional experiences than most people, and that incident reminded me of why I don't usually admit it.

Do I have histories of abuse and neglect that could have affected my emotional development, or am I just "like this"? I don't know how to answer that. I think that the nature versus nurture debate is like, a fun game to play, but basically absurd. There is absolutely no way to control for pure effects of biology and neurology and genes, separate of pure effects of experience. The right answer is always "it's both", and then you proceed with whatever psychological management style seems most helpful. You try to understand what you have to work with, which rarely involves nailing down the absolute factually objective specifics of your origin story; you approximate about what feels important, and you try to move forward. Some people have histories so difficult that dealing with their inherent "nature" is moot, and some people have a nature that makes even minor experiences vastly more affecting than usual.

To be Freudian about it, my mother kind of didn't want anything to do with me. She was civil about it so it's hard to say I was abused, but I received a pretty consistent rejection signal until she died when I was a teenager. This seems to me to be related to her mother, who made a big performance of being the Perfect Mommy but who was in fact critical, controlling, and manipulative. This in turn seems related to the fact that her father, my great grandfather was a child rapist, which my grandmother refused to deal with, or only dealt with through her burlesque of extreme normality. Severe clinical depression exists on that side of the family, and I have it too. Nature or nurture?

My paternal grandfather was a fascinating, cosmically-minded person who obviously affected my father's powerful intellectual development, but who was emotionally absent. My paternal grandmother was an infantile narcissist with zero sympathy for others and semi-violent tendencies. Also there was obviously "something going on" with her; she cataloged everything in her house, literally on a computer and in physical binders, and devised wild methods of controlling everything around her including children and animals. When we visited her we had to shower outdoors like cattle.

In my family, we didn't say I love you. We didn't touch except for ritually mandated occasions. But we talked a lot. We shared interests, which many families do not do, do not even consider, even when they are warm and affectionate. From the moment I was born I was sad, angry, obsessive, freaked out. Intellectually overdeveloped and emotionally crippled. My mom checked out, and when her parents visited I was very confused and frightened by their soap operatic and purpose-driven performance of emotion. But no matter how messed up I was, my dad made infinite amounts of time for me. I cannot say that he was comforting the way people normally mean it, but he was present and listened. How many miles did we walk before I was a teenager? We talked about dreams, phobias, the subconscious, symbolism, theology, and art and literature. This is still the basis on which I relate to him. Sometimes as an adult I bare a wound brazenly to see if I can make him react to the bad things that have happened to me, but he doesn't. That's not in the rulebook. I don't even know if I WANT the rules to change, I just have to test them sometimes. I probably like them just the way they are.

Meanwhile my brother, who is close in age to me, has become the single most normal and successful person I know, professionally, socially, and in his private life. Nature or nurture?

I have had a much harder time gaining traction. It's hard to get ahead when you have to spend a lot of time just figuring out what the fuck is wrong with you. There are a lot of normal-seeming things I cannot figure out or literally cannot do. My emotional life is somewhat bizarre. I either retreat from society or develop intense, virtually monogamous 1-1 friendships with very poor boundaries. At my small wedding I suddenly realized that my guests didn't even know each other very well; people making toasts didn't seem to know what to say about our courtship. I obsess over people, but it tends to be very intellectual. I don't want anyone to touch me ever, like unless we're fucking, which is a source of much confusion and ridicule among others. I need to be alone A LOT. I can think about someone all the time but forget to tell them more than a few times a year, so I have to be consciously careful to let people know I remember their existence. I once tried to explain to someone that I don't really miss people in the way that others seem to, and I meant it to say "I love you even if it doesn't look normal," and I think I just insulted the person and I regretted speaking.

I think this stuff sounds evil to a lot of people. I tend to think, there's me and there's the mammals. The mammals are warm and enjoy each other's warmth. The mammals feel safe in groups. The mammals have a physical and mental metabolism that refreshes itself daily or hourly; mine is very slow and I need lots of rest and recovery time. I don't feel safe in groups. I like to be cool and dry and hidden in the dark under a rock. For the mammals, their warmth is what makes them feel the value of life. Many of them assume that my coolness means I don't value life. This is absurd. Just because I don't want to feel your body against mine, doesn't mean I don't care what happens to your body. Just because I need to be alone, doesn't mean I wouldn't feel terrible if you are lonely or hurt. I don't even have to like you, to care whether you suffer. If I have misunderstood how my behavior will affect you, it is because I am an alien from outer space; I still care tremendously about whether I make your life better or worse. But this is hard to communicate for some reason.

I watch Lifetime movies with great, almost ghoulish fascination. I'm captivated by their hyperbole of American values, of love and family. I'm spying on it from orbit. It constantly amazes me.

I had been talking to my dad for a while about my feeling that I'm autistic, but the ADHD diagnosis took me by surprised. When I learned more about it, it explained so much about my childhood, about behaviors I couldn't help and stuff I couldn't learn that made my parents, especially my mom so, so mad at me. I didn't know how the new information would strike my dad. My doctor had cautioned me not to feel bad about all the time and potential I lost not understanding my own care and upkeep. Would my dad feel bad about not understanding me? His response was so perfectly, absolutely emblematic of our entire relationship that I couldn't have written it better myself.

There would be no emotional outbursts, no drippy apologies. There was only consciousness, perception, existentialism, God, subjectivity versus cosmic reality. This is what we do. This is how we survive. This is how we say I Love You. I love you so much, dad. I'm proud of you and I'm so glad I am your daughter. Thank you for everything. Please don't touch me.

[fanby-fckry]

12. 20. 26. 31. 69. Of the new one please :)

Fanfiction Writing Asks

Thank you! :3

12. Do you outline your fics?  If yes, how detailed are your outlines?  How far do you stray from them?

I outline multichapter fics, because if I don’t, then I the plot suffers.

My outlines aren’t very detailed, though. Usually they’re just bullet points with some rough ideas for scenes/dialogue. Sometimes I even put memes in there.

The bullet point for the Unholyverse version of Dad Beat Dad currently just says, ‘Play dumb Lucifer; Not that dumb!’

Meanwhile, in the outline of my current WoE WIP, A Far Cry From Eden, we have the juxtaposition of me describing Eve’s first impression of each of the Seven Deadly Sins in a decent amount of detail, vs a chapter that was described as:

Totally not projecting my own sapphic experiences and/or fantasies onto Eve, there. No, never. (I’m gay and they’re both so pretty, I can’t help it!)

I do occasionally stray from my outlines, but that’s part of the beauty of making them so vague. I can usually adjust them as I go.

When I was working on Bloodlust and Butterflies, I had quite a few secondary bullet points that got dropped – although I’ll be revisiting the ideas later in other UH3 works – and one that got moved to a different chapter.

I need a plan for my multichapter fics. The plan is subject to change, but it’s still a plan.

20. Do you prefer writing AUs or canon fics?

I feel like between the Unholyverse, the Little Demon AU, and my miscellaneous, canon-divergent Geraskefer fics, I should be legally required to answer this with AU, but canon has been looking kinda good lately.

3/5 of my current Ace Alastor Week WIPs have been canon-compliant. And it was kinda fun to work directly within the frame of canon. Like a little obstacle course for me to run. Enrichment.

I don’t think I’ll be switching to a steady stream of canon-compliant fics any time in the near future, but it’s been nice to explore.

26. What’s your least favorite part of the writing process?

Whichever part I happen to get stuck on when my executive dysfunction flares up. Or my psychosis.

If I had a consistently effective treatment for my ADHD and psychosis that didn’t give me terrible side effects, my life would improve sooo much.

Other than that, I don’t have a consistent part of writing that bothers me. Certain subject matter trips me up, and I get writer’s block from time to time just like everyone else, but there’s no part of my writing process that I’d call my least favorite.

31. Do you use a beta reader/editor?

I do! Specifically a beta reader. I edit my own work based on his suggestions. My lovely boyfriend, who now has a tumblr: @giggypoet .

69. What are your favorite fics at the moment?

Obligatory nice.

My favorite fics at the moment are (in no particular order) Death to Death by @moonrose91 , the entire 66.6 Live On Air! series by @prince-liest , and Means to an End by @iirationall .

[jesscrazydoodles]

HAPPY NEW YEARS!!! I wanna start 2024 introducing my main penguin oc and finally posting his character card that I had in my gallery for far longer that I’m willing to admit 😅

So, This is Jimmy. I took a page out of @flxr-art book and asked her to describe him and this is what she had to say:

“Jimmy is the type of character that acts mostly because of his love ones instead of for himself, and once he learns how to step outside of what he knows is great. He's so very insecure at first, and still is, but he makes due with what he has and even though he's not confident on himself he takes a step outside of his comfort zone for his friends and is very protective of them”

Jimmy has charisma, but he lacks the confidence to back it up. He “knows” a lot of penguins but had little to no friends before meeting Thunder.

He’s on the inattentive side of ADHD and was definitely considered “gifted” as a kid witch gave him such a self worth crisis that still follows him. Basically if he isn’t giving his 110% he doesn’t feel like he’s doing something right. To him, if things are easy, he’s not putting an effort. This mentality has kept him from perusing many opportunities.

He’s the book’s smart to Thunder’s street smarts in the sense that he does that ADHD thing of picking up information like a magnet and knowing a little bit of everything.

As a kid all to way up to early adulthood he had a blog dedicated to conspiracy theories. Ninjas, secret codes, tipping the iceberg, etc. He still logs into it from time to time but since he became a journalist he’s barely been able to update it. Aunt Arctic had always been a role model to him so, in her honor, his screen name for this blog was “Jimmy Arctic” and it stuck.

His mom is Argentinian and his dad was Puertorican but if you ask him up front he’ll just say he’s Argentinian since his dad passed away before Jimmy could really remember him and he doesn’t feel very connected to that side of himself. He’s very close to his mom though. He was born and raised in Club Penguin but his mom moved away after he grew up.

Jimmy is very adaptable to whomever he is with. He can even the playing field easily or match the energy of the other person. He’s actually on his best when playing off of someone else since it forces him to step out of his comfort zone, and explore different facets of his own personality.

On the down side, he can be a bit egocentric, but not in a “oh look at me, I’m the center of the universe” kinda way. All his life it’s been just him and his mom, so that’s his point of reference. It’s more of a “oh, I’ve been stuck inside my own head for so long that I forget the factor the wide range of reactions from others”

——

Fun facts:

-“Jimmy” was the name of my first ever penguin in CP. The name comes from that one character in the Kratt brother’s cartoon. To this day I have no idea why I choose it, I didn’t even like the character that much, but regardless, I’m glad I did.

-I named him Juaquin because as a kid, I didn’t like the name. I also didn’t know how to spell it. It’s fine, it’s a running joke. (Also to all Juaquins out there, I do like the name now, I’m sorry 🙏)

-He was originally going to be related to Aunt A. but upon revision, yeah first thing I scratched. The name stuck though.

-He also had a cousin named Elsa who was a whole other mess of a character so I scraped her

-All my ocs are adults in their early to mid twenties, but of the main three, Jimmy is the youngest.

-His dad named him.

-His mom calls him “Quino”

-Has a lot of ADHD headaches

-He has an argentine accent when he speaks Spanish, and while he can mask it pretty well in English it occasionally slips.

-He enjoys card-jitsu as a spectator sport and collects the cards.

-He came up with the band name. Thunder only regrets it sometimes.

-just in case it didn’t make sense, he has a blue puffle named Blue.

-💚🤍🩶🖤

—

I still have a lot of this character I could talk about but I want to leave it a little bit brief cause if it was up to me I’d keep going and that’ll just be a nightmare 😵‍💫 if you’ve read this far that probably means a failed to put the “read more” and IM SORRY 🥲 or you actually read all this and just 🥹❤️ thank you!

[neurodiversitysci]

Panicking-over-almost-nothing Demand Avoidance

Funny ADHD story

Last week, I made the mistake of volunteering for a sleep study at my old college. They pay well, I wanted to help, and maybe I’d learn something about my sleep.

I got an email a few days ago saying "here are some times you could come in," none of which are possible, and forgot to follow up.

I got another email from their lab this morning. Haven't even opened it yet, but as soon as I saw it I started panicking. OMG SOMEONE WANTS SOMETHING FROM ME AND I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING FOR SOMEONE ELSE WHAT IF I FAIL OH NO. 

(My hell brain believes that Making Other People Happy is safety).

Knowledge of that email has been hanging over my head distracting me and filling me with That Feeling of Foreboding ever since. Which is inconvenient, as I have an Important Errand to prepare for this morning.

I'm reminding my hell brain that 

a) I signed up for this; I don't *have* to do anything, 

b) an email is not inherently dangerous, 

c) whether I succeed or fail, having someone else expect something from me isn't going to kill me.

My hell brain, unimpressed, continues flooding my body with anxiety.

The Pattern of Demand Avoidance

I’m reminded of that awful term “pathological demand avoidance” (seriously, who thought it would be a good idea to use a term that abbreviates to PDA?). It was coined to describe people, especially kids, who continually refuse to do things that others expect from them. For years, the only time I came across the term was in reference to “misbehaving” kids. The label sounds willfully defiant, and is inherently pejorative (I mean, it has the word “pathological” in it). 

Unfortunately, it also fits my situation surprisingly well. I’m terrified of anyone wanting anything from me, even just answering an email. 

I put off answering emails for exactly this reason, then feel guilty for being late to reply, and the cycle continues, potentially ad infinitum/until it’s been so long that it feels too late to reply, and I eventually let myself forget about it and let it go, in favor of worrying about new emails.

It’s not just emails, though; those are just an example of how innocuous my panic triggers can be.

Right now, I procrastinate on all manner of tasks related to getting involved in activities, making friends, and dating. I literally avoid reaching out to people I want to interact with, because What If They Expect Me to Contact Them Back (And Know What to Say, And Have It Not be Awkward) In a Reasonable Amount of Time.

I spend far more time procrastinating on such tasks than it would take to actually do them. 

Don’t even get me started on the yearly months-long mental tug of war over thank you notes that I went through as a teenager. Or the time I almost didn’t graduate high school because I was stuck on some paperwork and procrastinated down to the wire.

Freaking out over an email about something I literally volunteered to do, however, is a new low.

It’s no surprise that I have so little faith in myself right now. I’ve hit the wall three times now, with real consequences for my life. What if it happens again? 

I don’t trust my brain enough to want to commit to anything. What if I do it wrong? What if I do it late? What if I don’t do it at all?

And it’s become such a habit that I am avoiding doing something I literally cannot fail, except by avoiding it. Sigh.

Reexamining My Procrastination

As someone on Tumblr put it, people with ADHD go through a mental tug of war. One part of you insists “Do the thing” while another, usually stronger, part protests, “No.” Not surprisingly, it makes it hard to get started on things. If you can break through that tug of war, you’re exhausted before you even start.

I’m now considering the possibility that this deep fear of failing is probably a reason for it.

I’ve often wondered why I procrastinate so much on trivial things whose negative sensory properties I can ameliorate (like doing the dishes). The habit of fear and avoidance is probably part of it.

But also, I might just be afraid of failing myself. After all, other people aren’t the only ones who have expectations. 

TL;DR

If you see someone of any age avoiding everything others want them to do, however innocuous, consider that it may not be defiance. They might just be terrified.

10/24/22

[peachdoxie]

Rambling about therapy and mental health stuff

Like idk if I'm just bad at communicating with my therapists or if they're just blinded by their preconceived notions of me based on their training and my diagnoses, or some combo of both, but like I just feel that I'm not getting the help I need because I'm being forced to do things that I feel are impossible for me to do right now, like stick to a schedule or go to bed at a decent time or do household chores. Like so much of exposure and response prevention is doing the things I find hard with the ultimate goal of demonstrating to me that they're not actually that hard once I do them instead of avoiding them, but like. Idk how to describe it. It's like my therapists are too far ahead of me. Like I'm stuck in the ocean treading water barely able to keep my head above the surface and they're like "okay it's time for swimming lessons!" and meanwhile I can't physically swim because I'm so exhausted and out of breath and stressed and I need a life preserver first to stop me from dying.

It's like. like my limitations are so high and my limits so low that I can't do what they ask. It's like I'm being told to walk on a broken leg: sure it's possible but it's so incredibly hard that I can't do anything else but they want me to start walking and I can't. Like I need something to help me walk, crutches or other accomodations, because it's so impossible to function with a broken fucking leg and yet the strategy is to just limp along until the pain settles down. But I don't think my therapists see it that way—especially my OCD therapist who kept insisting that the reason I couldn't work on my dissertation was because I had convinced myself I'm incapable of working on it, that it's all in my head, when I keep telling him, no, I want to work on it, I want to write it, and there is something else stopping me that I can't figure out.

(Ngl I'm still questioning the diagnosis of OCD vs autism/adhd burnout wombo combo but that's a separate issue)

To put it another way. I'm disabled and I live alone with my cat. Most of my life as a graduate student is entirely self-directed. Self care is extremely difficult for me. The mental load I have to take on for caring for myself and my cat is so high and it's overwhelming me all the time. I need someone to help me take some of that load off because it's too much, but my therapists want me to just grin and bear it even though I've tried to explain that I can't do that and also write my dissertation.

Like honestly I feel that I've come away from my six months with the OCD therapist in particular with more trauma than when I started because I kept being told that I'd have to fight through the anxiety and pain even when I kept saying I can't, not without the rest of my life crashing down—and this to a lesser extent with my other therapist. I feel like I'm being gaslit and told that my perspective on my problems isn't what's actually happening. I just don't know how to make myself heard and I'm so, so tired.

[plural-affirmations]

i would also like to vent;

i'm frustated by the fact i'm always damned if i do, damned if i don't.

want to communicate with anyone else in my system? yeah that's not happening. but try to not communicate with them? nuh uh, now i have to really care about it and feel bad that i'm not wasting my time

want to think i'm a singlet? nope, i'm definitely multiple people and am in denial. but want to think i'm multiple people? what multiple people? i've never *not* been alone in my head

want to think i'm similar to the host? nah, i'm too different, that's just delusional. but want to think i'm different to the host? hmmm but consider the fact we share most of the same opinions and interests

i'm tired, there's literally nothing i can do because either i try to function as a system and nothing happens and i have to make a mountain out of a mole hill to make anything fit, or i try to function as a singlet and then i have to grapple with the fact that my experiences feel too out-there to just describe as "yeah i'm one guy". and "system" includes median systems, for the record, that doesn't work either

if i try not to think about it then something inevitably reminds me about it and back into the spiral i go. doesn't help that i have ADHD and it's comically easy for me to get distracted by something for over an hour straight, i don't want to get stuck on a problem i can't solve instead of getting to do things i actually enjoy.

either way sure is great i get the negatives out of being a system and *checks notes* absolutely zero positives whatsoever. nice.

Hi anon, it seems like you're really struggling right now. I'm sorry you're experiencing such intense frustration.

I want to start off saying, you're 100% valid with how you feel. It's ok to be upset. I don't know the specifics of your system, but I will say that if you happen to have disordered plurality, it's completely normal to feel this way.

DID and OSDD-1 are very... tragic. They're tragic disorders. You went through horrible things, and you come out of it feeling like your brain betrayed you. You feel split apart at the seams. You feel like there's no positivity to it at all. "How could anyone possibly be ok with living like this?", I've asked myself before.

Just remember that this isn't the end of things. Sure, you're split apart. But you know what? You get put back together. Even if you feel closer to a broken vase than a quilt, what's life without a little kintsugi?

I promise you, there's beautiful moments in plurality; sharing inside jokes, leaving notes for each other, getting to know who you are as individuals and as a whole, and many, many others.

The point is, anon... you got this. Be mad. Grieve the experiences you went through, and the ones you didn't. But don't let that be your driving force. Even though it takes time, don't forget that you're going to be ok.

We love you. Contact us anytime, ok? /gen

🖤💜💙💚💛

[multiplicity-positivity]

Hi, i have a question:

Would popping your eardrum at the age of 2 or 3 count as a traumatic enough event to cause plurality?

(For context i have Inattentive ADHD, anxiety, No siblings, and I suspect myself to have maladaptive daydreaming & am planning to bring it up w/my therapist next time i see them. I also a writer with a vivid imagination)

I have several parts of my childhood that i do not remember, cant place exact dates to, or remember them as if im watching back a home movie.

The entire event of popping my eardrum, as I remember it, is entirely different from how my parents describe it to me. I remember the seconds before I popped it & me starting to scream followed by literal nothing. And my parents describe me in an entirely different setting than what I remember.

I have no memories of ‘switching’ with anyone, granted i can’t remember a lot of what most people typically do (first day of middle school, anything of first or 4th grade apart from what I learned, my 5th birthday, etc) which makes me suspect i may be a median system if a system at all? Or at least one where the host is ‘front-stuck’.

Im going to bring this up w/my therapist when i see them next but i would still appreciate your input. (Especially since i live in a small rural town in the south & am still getting used to talking to said therapist)

Thank you for your time -🍏

Hi! So here’s our honest opinion -

If you have reason to believe you may be plural, you very well could be! However, in order for a dissociative disorder like DID, P-DID, or OSDD-1 to form, the trauma from childhood must be repeated.

The reason for this is, it takes multiple instances of dissociation for a child to separate into parts. A one-off instance of trauma may certainly traumatize a child, but if the trauma is not chronic, and the child does not regularly dissociate to escape, they are not likely to develop alters as a coping strategy.

Does this make sense?

Alternatively, you may be a traumagenic or adaptive system who is still plural without having a dissociative disorder. Or you may not be plural at all!

From what we understand, memory issues and amnesia are often symptoms of ADHD. There are other things that can cause dissociative amnesia to occur besides dissociative disorders, and you can learn more about that in our post on dissociative amnesia.

There is more to being a system than just having amnesia. This is why we bring up symptoms of other disorders as potential explanations. If you haven’t had any occasional interactions with another headmate, don’t deal with identity confusion, depersonalization, or derealization, and don’t feel like you’re not alone in your own mind… it very well may be that you’re not plural.

Of course, you still could be plural despite all of these things! Plurality is a framework, and if that framework benefits you, you’re more than welcome to use it! But if you’re wondering about DID/OSDD specifically, it’s true that repeated trauma in childhood is necessary for this disorder to form.

You can learn more about dissociative disorders and other forms of plurality in our resource post for questioning systems.

We hope this helps! Also our words shouldn’t be taken as absolute truth - we’re just a system sharing our opinion based on our experience with DID and our time in this community.

Thanks for reaching out!

🌸 Margo and 🐢 Kip

[ecoamerica]

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[schizosupport]

hey :) so im currently having what is likely psychotic episode, ive experienced various trauma both through childhood and with sexual abuse, and currently have struggles with eating, self harm and also have extremely severe anxiety, depression and then bpd and adhd too

i think more than anything i just want the validation that it is psychosis, that it likely isn't real but it's okay, and that getting help IS a good thing, bc ive been rejected from the public health system for it bc apparently im not psychotic and it wont get worse- as well as any advice on what to do about it all (im in australia if that helps)

uhm. so there's this guy called lamben that showed up about two months ago now, and since then hes explained stuff around me needing to help him take down the queen of the opposing nation, bc shes hurting his people and he brought me some of the victims and theyd had severe burns and everything and it's all more around magic

and so ive been asked to train with him to use the powers i have that are stronger than all of his peoples, which i can see it's like black smoke almost, and then also talking to this other guy called kesan whos the queens assistant thats against what's happening

and so there's been a plan made and everything of how to infiltrate the castle and im terrified rn of going through with it in case i get caught and stuck and i dont take her down i get taken captive

and idk if i sound dumb but like. either im able to connect with another world or its psychosis

and everyones saying it isnt real but i need help navigating it all if youre able to offer anything at all

tysm, know this was a bit of a dump but ty 🫶🫶

Hi there!!

I'm happy you reached out to me. It sounds like you got a lot of stressful stuff going on at the moment, both in shared reality and private reality.

To respond very simply, what you describe sounds like a flavour of psychosis to me, based on my understanding of reality, and I hope you can access some competent help with it. It sounds like a really stressful position you've been put in, where you are the only one who has the ability to save these people you feel have been contacting you.

I'm wondering how you experience your connection to this world? Is it as if reality around you changes, are they coming to you in dreams, or a third option?

I'm asking because I'm wondering what it might entail in "shared reality" to infiltrate the queen's castle? If you think about the actions you'd have to take, is this something that could put you in danger or trouble within the reality that we share with most people?

I'm not doubting your experience and that it's a type of psychosis, I'm asking to get a feeling of what the "real life" implications are of your beliefs and the actions you are being asked to perform. It sounds like you are aware that these beliefs and experiences are unusual, and at the very least aren't aligned with the reality other people are generally experiencing. So I am hoping you are able to think through how you've been interacting with this other world so far, to compare how your actions would appear in shared reality.

Because the first question to think about is whether this has the potential to be dangerous to you or others. Because if it does, you may need to escalate the asking for help. I don't know a lot about Australia, but in my country that would look like contacting emergency services if you feel that you are in danger of doing something that can be dangerous. But I would suggest trying to ask someone Australian, to confirm if what emergency services has to offer is actually helpful.

If the answer is no, it's not dangerous, that doesn't mean it isn't causing you significant distress. But it means you have more space to safely explore your options for help in your own pace.

It might also be that the distress it's causing you is in some ways a welcome distraction from other brain and life issues at the moment. Sometimes psychosis can be a type of escapism that the brain engages in. For example if you feel powerless, it can feel good to have special powers to save others, at least for a while, until the pressure might get to be too much.

It's not necessarily black and white, only good or bad.

As far as help goes, I wonder if you currently have anyone like a therapist or anyone like that, to work through trauma etc with? Or other types of support? Psychosis can definitely be heavily linked to stress, and lacking support to work through other difficulties you're facing can make it worse. The help offered for psychosis itself is unfortunately often somewhat lackluster, often it starts and ends with antipsychotics, even though psychotic people do benefit from therapy. There's at the same time a tendency for mh professionals to dismiss symptoms of psychosis, and to focus on them very single-mindedly. Many people experience either being dismissed, or to have the psychosis being acknowledged while everything else gets pushed to the side. So it can be complicated to navigate the system while having psychosis and other issues that tie in with it.

I hope some of this was helpful, feel free to return to my inbox. I wish you the best ❤️

[bookwhimses]

People who still leave comments on Cheer Up Buttercup, I love you all and your reviews always seem to come in when I’m having a bad week. I honestly can’t begin to describe how much it means to me that people reread and still love that fic. It makes me feel so proud of it.

I have something around or possibly over twenty-eight DGHDA wips. I haven’t been able to write for a long time, and I went through a period where DGHDA in particular was weirdly triggering to engage in for ptsd reasons (don’t worry, there's no fandom drama or anything, I just had a traumatic event happen irl and my confused brain put the trauma in DGHDA). The fic I want to finish most though is a Farah introspec fic I wrote for a Big Bang partnered with Juniper, who was extremely understanding about me having a mental breakdown* and not finishing it. Every time I try to go back to it I feel paralysed by my own promise that it would be the first fic I published once I felt able to write again.

I’ve come to the conclusion that this is dumb. In June I was diagnosed with ADHD. Prior to that, if someone with ADHD told me, “Oh, I have this thing I feel stuck on, pathologically unable to finish; for a long time I was unable to look at it, and now I feel crushed by the weight of my own lack of action and the responsibility and the imagined failure I have projected onto myself, but I told myself I’m not going to do anything easy before I finish this incredibly difficult task,”

I would have said to them, “I’m sorry, but sounds insane. You have ADHD. I’m not a doctor, but from what I understand you don’t naturally produce enough dopamine to ram your head repeatedly into a wall of things that sound like the opposite of dopamine. You’ve set up a system wherein you have one very challenging objective, and you cannot engage in any of the behaviours that would make that objective easier for you until you finish that objective. This is not intelligent game design, and frankly it shows a total lack of kindness towards yourself. It is clearly not working. Try something else.”

It is very difficult to accept that what I would say to someone else is also what I deserve to hear and what is true for me. But every other month I still get comments from people from somewhere across the globe who read something I wrote and felt moved by it. And I think it's worth noting – it's vital for me to note to myself – that having the kind of brain I have does come with other skills.

When I wrote Cheer Up Buttercup I didn’t go into it with a grand plan, let alone conceptualise it as anything more moving or deep than “AU where everything is the same but Dirk works at Lush lol”. I wrote that first chapter fully expecting it to border on crackfic. I think to anyone reading it's obvious that it starts off matching the beats of a standard low-stakes shippy fluff fic. I got a lot of reviews that said things to the effect of "I thought this was going to be a dumb bath bomb store AU, then it got serious, what the fuck" and, honestly, that happened to me too as its writer. I followed that vein of joy of was something fluffy and silly and camp until I unexpectedly struck something more introspective that touched on heavier subject material.

And I have to stress, I don't mean that as "it started as cheap and stupid and then became a more worthwhile and meaningful fic", because the thing I love most about Cheer Up Buttercup is how it is both stupid and meaningful. It's fluffy and silly and camp, traits which are not easy or meaningless things to write, and it draws on very personal experiences, which can be exhausting to read. I still treasure reviews which say that the fluff made the serious less confronting and more accessible, that they didn't expect a Ted talk on mental health and cognitive behaviour patterns in the middle of their gay slowburn bath store AU but it had made them want to change the way they lived their life every day.

Since being diagnosed with ADHD I have suddenly had something to blame for traits I have that have been difficult to bear or highly inconvenient my whole life. I have had many days where I've broken down crying and said that I wished I didn't have ADHD and I could just Do Stuff Normally, With Planning And No Time Blindess. But Cheer Up Buttercup wasn't planned. It was entirely organic. I only sketched out the barest of plot outlines, which quickly spiralled into something completely different while I was writing the chapter where Todd decides to turn his life around. And I don't think I could have written it if I didn't have ADHD.

(I've also had multiple reviewers tell me that they love the way I write Dirk, particularly the neurodiverse aspects of his character. I write Dirk's neurodivergent expression partially based on my own feelings and experiences, and I always knew I had autism while writing Dirk, so I tagged "autistic Dirk" often. Being told that my Dirk seemed very ADHD was one of the first things that made me go, huh?? hmmm. uh-oh. nahhhh.)

I realise that I may sound here like I have a hugely inflated sense of self-importance and like I think my bath bomb store AU is a culturally relevant text soon to be studied in high schools across the nation. I promise I have no such illusions, it's one fic for a relatively small fandom, posted when the fandom was already losing traction and when hope of any further content was very slim. But I can't talk about that fic self-deprecatingly, I refuse to talk about it with anything other than affection and sincerity because it means a lot to me for many reasons, and chief among them is how much it means to other people.

I've had so many people leave comments or message me telling me that reading that fic made them want to change their life, or that they've reread it more than once and each time it motivates them to care for themselves. To me it doesn't matter if they're as successful as Todd is, or if the change is permanent, or even particularly long – and I definitely don't take credit for work that, ultimately, they and/or their loved ones do. I also know that I'm far from the only fic writer who's gotten reviews like that. But even then and either way, the value conferred onto that 100k ship fic by even one person telling me it has made them care about themself, even for just a moment, feels so immense to me that I can't picture the scope of it in my mind's eye.

By extension I feel a value has been conferred onto me, and my efforts, and my thoughts and feelings. And my brain, and the way it works. Because all of those things were put whole-heartedly into that fic. Again, I don't mean this in the sense of ego or importance but in the sense that it feels like being given a gift which in itself is the awareness of having a gift. Having it in the sense of being given it by others, having it in the sense of being born with it, having it in the sense that I want to give it to another person. It expands endlessly onto itself, precious and beautiful and startling. And a gift is something to be grateful for.

So, yes, alright, I may have not planned this post out either at all, as I very clearly start off saying that I can't describe how the reviews make me feel, then go on to try to describe how the reviews make me feel. And yes, this post may in fact have just been prompted by someone commenting on Cheer Up Buttercup and reminding me that I've written something worth rereading, and I likely would not have written this post this way if I knew how to Do Stuff Normal With Planning And No Time Blindness. But, thankfully, I have ADHD, so I just spent some uncertain amount of time realising that it's dumb that I'm imposing Do Stuff Normal People Rules on me, when I'm a Do Stuff At Total Random With Zero Planning But Golly Gosh, So Much Heart kind of person. And instead of waiting another two years for my brain to suddenly not have ADHD so I can finish my Farah fic and then, I don't know, become a bank clerk or something, I should just find a fic, any happy little fic, and write that. And trust that wherever it takes me will be more interesting than this.

And I miss the DGHDA universe. It is practically custom tailored for Do Stuff At Total Random With Zero Planning But Golly Gosh, So Much Heart kind of people. I miss finding a way to put a horse in a bathroom in every fic. I'll stop doing it once it stops being funny to me personally.

*As in I literally had a mental breakdown, that’s why I disappeared from the fandom. Not that I was a prominent person in any way I just mean that I used to interact with mutuals and friends a lot on Discord and Tumblr and then I just sort of disappeared.

[xmcu-fietro]

Positive Writer Asks

1,2,4,7,8, and 15

asks from here

Thanks for the ask! It's a bit of a long post (tried to keep each answer to a paragraph or so but it all adds up) so I've added the "keep reading" thing after the first answer :)

1 - What’s your favorite WIP you’ve ever worked on (finished or not)?

I’ve talked about this a couple of times, but I think my fave WIP is a fic that I’m writing about how Peter deals with the aftermath of being kidnapped and abused, not knowing how to cope/heal since he can’t remember anything that happened to him (it's currently titled Nobody, but we’ll see if that changes). His recovery involves a lot of learning to trust other people—and really, specifically Erik—as he rebuilds his identity and recovers. The circumstance is pure fiction, but the emotions he experiences as he adjusts to his new normal are pretty heavily based on my own experiences with trauma. I see Peter as someone who wants to “act now, think later” and if he has no/little information to act on, that forces him to slow down in a way that’s difficult and uncomfortable for him. 

2 - What’s your favorite finished WIP?

Right now I don’t have any completed WIPS (thanks ADHD); since I don’t have anything completed I’ll talk (a little more) about Nobody because it’s my longest WIP.

This is probably going to sound a bit out of left field, but I was inspired to write this fic when I was reading The Odyssey (which is what the title references). Odysseus and his son Telemachus both struggle with Odysseus missing so much of Telemachus’ life—one struggling with curbing his impulses/emotions (or his thumos/spiritedness, as the book says), and the other trying to figure out who he’s supposed to be without his father to guide him. My brain is in xmen mode 24/7, so I went “hey, that kind of sounds like Dadneto!”. I began writing it as a study of how Peter and Erik's shared, genetic ADHD—I know it isn't canon, but I see Erik as being inattentive or combined type ADHD and Peter as being hyperactive type ADHD—gives them similar coping methods for similar emotions/trauma even though they seem like opposites at a glance. However, as I started writing I coincidentally also started dealing with my own issues, so what I’ve written actually has nothing to do with The Odyssey and much more to do with me processing stuff. 

4 - Tell us all about the story arc you are most proud of writing.

I apologize for another answer about Nobody—I promise I do have other fics—but I really think it’s probably what I’m most proud of. Peter’s arc in the story is definitely challenging and exhausting for him and those around him. I think being in a situation where he’s incredibly vulnerable and has no choice but to admit he needs help forces him to come to terms with why he doesn’t want to ask for help, so it’s kind of him reaching rock bottom and realizing he can’t actually run from everything, but that it’s okay because the people who matter to him are willing to sit next to him in that struggle and won’t let him stay stuck. 

7 - What’s the best writing motivator for you?

Getting comments and kudos is always really nice! I especially like comments because it helps me understand if there’s anything in particular that made someone like my writing. Music in general is also a huge motivator for me—not just with writing, but with basically anything. I like to make character playlists, and it helps me get into the headspace of whoever I’m writing. 

8 - What’s the most validating comment you’ve ever received about your writing (in person or online)?

On Vilomah you commented that some details I wrote were vivid, and @jadoue1999 once told me that I’m good at building an atmosphere and foreshadowing things; I really appreciated these because I feel like I’m not always the best at describing things or planning things out. @spidey-sense-projections once texted me that I have “probably the most creative mind of anyone [she's] ever met” which I’m not sure is entirely true, but I was certainly very flattered by that :)

15 - Copy and paste a cute/fluffy moment you are particularly proud of.

Shockingly, a fic that isn’t xmen-related! This is a Mare of Easttown fic that’s a mix between angst and fluff because I honestly don’t know if I have anything that’s purely fluffy. The basic premise is that Mare dies shortly after solving the case and Colin and Mare’s ghosts reunite; this scene is just after Colin finds Mare, but she struggles with feeling like his death is her fault:

Mare fidgets with the spot on her left hand where her wedding band used to rest and tries to wring the last feelings of guilt out of herself, but every time she looks at him all she can think of is how long it took to get his blood out from under her fingernails with the hospital’s cheap soap. 

Colin looks down without a word, gently holds her shaking hand in his, and squeezes the spot near her scar. Noticing Mare’s stony expression despite her tears starting to give away her emotion, he moves to cradle her head under his chin, rubbing his thumb back and forth lightly across her knuckles until her breathing evens out. 

“I missed you.” Mare confesses, finally relaxing.

She feels Colin smile against her, lips now pressed near her temple. “You better have.” he mumbles jokingly. “And look.” he pulls away, bringing her hand towards the side of his face to compare their scars, “We match now.”

phew, that's it! I tried to not make this post too insanely long, but I'm not sure if I succeeded. If you stuck around this long, kudos to you!

[biscuits-spooky-corner]

heyyyyyyyy bestieeeeeeeee

might i mayhaps be given a quick lil (or long, or medium, idk man) description of natsuo's personality/characteristics, be it in this ask or tumblr dms

you don't have to if you don't want to tho <3 ily!!

i might be posting her “official” fake wiki, but let me just lay down the basics:

natsuo is 19 years old. she has light brown hair, wears glasses, and is 167.64 centimeters (5’6 feet) tall. she is a member of the decay of angels, and was a spy in both the mafia and the armed detective agency.

outfits!

i’m okay with you putting her in whatever the hell you want, she’s like a barbie in literally every sense. she’s pretty and you can play dress up with her. she also scissors other women but that’s another story.

one of my favorite outfits to imagine her in is a light pink and white plaid swing dress, with an off the shoulders look, ig? idk how to describe it, just bare with me. she’s wearing white gloves and white knee high socks, with white heels to match. she might throw on a pair of light pink heart shaped sunglasses cause she’s so lana coded but that’s optional (seeing as she doesn’t really like putting in contacts). she has her hair up in a bun, and has no bow (shocker). if you want, you can give her a light pink or white bow to match the look.

another one is simply a white poofy dress with her hair down and a white bow in it. no gloves, white knee high socks, and white gloves. she’ll occasionally wear her trench coat, if she plans on going somewhere after she’s needed as the “beauty of decay.” (that outfit is specifically for murders, i have a lot of lore behind that one.)

and like i said, whatever the fuck else you little rascals can think of you can put her in. i genuinely do not care, so long as it’s not borderline cultural appropriation or overly sexual when she’s with someone 10 billion years older than her. again, she’s 19. please treat my baby with respect and human decency. she has no idea what it’s like to be treated like a human, so please at least treat her like a penguin

personality!

natsuo is very sarcastic (me core) and will often oversexualize herself because she feels that it’s all she’s worthy of doing. settling down, being a housewife and a mother, then DYING. but she’s respectful to some (two) people, and everyone else is worthless to her.

she’s also very stuck up. she’s rich. she was born rich, and she’ll die rich. she’s always gonna think she’s better than everyone else.

she’s a nerd lmao

she’s smart. but like the type of smart that kids with adhd/autism are before the burnout kicks in. so she knows everything. she’s like god if god had autism and was transginger.

she knows how to speak italian, japanese, english, russian, french, german, spanish, irish, ukrainian, latin, dutch, and asl and knows how to play the bass guitar, the acoustic guitar, the violin, the cello, the flute, and pretty much any percussion instrument.

natsuo has been medically trained since the age of 7, seeing as mori would only let her read medical books when she was younger and basically treated her like “the new yosano.”

ability!!

natsuo’s ability, grotesque, allows her to create any living creature she wants from the blood/wounds of any biotic creature. the side affects are that the person’s wounds are healed immediately, but it takes a lot of energy out of her. the amount of blood also impacts how large the creature is. so if she made a spider or an ant, then she’ll have a decent amount of energy. but if she made a whale she’d probably die.

lmk if u need any more info on her!! 🩵

[ecoamerica]

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