#this movie feels to me like someone in the writers room very recently had a messy divorce and is taking it out on fictional women

[luxrayz64]

angry about saw 3d again im going to rant abt the public execution trap

so like, the public execution trap is innately sexist as all hell and tina is a caricature of a woman. the basic premise is this:

brad and ryan, two college students, are sitting opposite to each other with a spinning saw blade between them. their girlfriend tina, another college student who has been cheating on them both and manipulating them to 'do crimes' for her, is hung up on the ceiling above them, dropping down towards the blade. brad and ryan can either leave the sawblade where it is, killing tina when she drops on to it, or they can fight and kill the other, saving tina in the process.

for starters, tina is the kind of character that like. if I asked a 4chan user to describe the behaviour of women to me, they'd probably describe tina one to one. she's a conniving vixen, basking in the attention these two men are giving her and playing them both. when the game starts, she tries to play them, cheering for whoever is winning and claiming she's 'always loved him', until the other gains the upper hand at which point she switches teams, indicating her two faced, selfish nature. this is an opening trap - we are not granted any more time with these three characters. we know that she is a manipulative bitch, and that's all.

chad and bryan aren't particularly different in this regard. they're just as flat as tina is. they're both stupid frat bros easily egged on by the closest woman giving them attention. I'm going to be honest I don't remember which is which but until tina switches sides when white boy 1 overpowers white boy 2, they're both eager to save her and kill the other. white boy 1 catches onto this though, and he and white boy 2 agree that the other is not their enemy. they allow tina to drop onto blade, one of them exclaiming 'tina, I think we're breaking up with you!' right before she is gruesomely murdered in front of them.

from the character's perspective, this is justified. she was, after all, playing them both. without a doubt it is a horrible position to be in, but in the context of their relationship troubles, both white boys are innocent, more or less. neither of them knew that tina was dating the other. she was hurting them both, and didn't really care about either of them, switching teams to try and save herself without a care as to which one made it.

but it's always important to remember that someone created these characters and this situation.

tinas character is a sexist trope, a whore who plays with men for her own gratification. she's a succubus, leading innocent men down the path of evil, and this is how she is played. she is costumed so her cleavage is on display, she's been manipulating these boys into committing crimes for her (this is not elaborated on), and letting her die is framed as the correct choice. her death is a punchline, one of the frat bros dropping a one liner right before she is murdered.

she is the one who did the most wrongdoing, cheating on her partners and pushing them to crime on her behalf, but notably, it's not her test! she has absolutely no power in the situation. instead, the two men are being tested - will they continue fighting each other to save her in spite of the pain she's caused them, or will they acknowledge that they are both her victims and work together at her expense? her life is in their hands.

someone wrote a woman who is manipulating two young men, in which the two men agreeing to let her die is the correct and cathartic option. her death isn't something to be mourned, it's to be celebrated.

and look. if it were just this scene, maybe it would be fine. it would still be gross for the reasons outlined, but it wouldn't make me side eye the entire creative team behind this movie as much. but it isn't just this game.

there are 6 individual games (public execution, horsepower trap + the 4 from bobby's larger game) played in this movie. 5/6 feature a female hostage who is entirely powerless and must be saved by a man. none of them survive. this is totally ignoring the treatment of jill tuck, one of this movie's protagonists who gets not one, but two different deaths in this movie in which she is horribly murdered by another man, and both are framed as something to be excited about.

you're allowed to kill women off. you're allowed to write about toxic evil women who convince men to do bad things. but come on dude. when not a single one of the women in your movie are written with more than one personality trait, aren't allowed to be anything more than a damsel, you need to start looking inward. what the fuck did they put in the water in 2010 that made everyone working on this movie hate women this much

[bettsfic]

Betts. how do I stop feeling jealous of everyone and everything and just focus on myself? I'm tired of being comprised of nothing but envy.

story time:

so i was recently at Millay, which is one of the top artist residencies in the country. they have an acceptance rate of something like 3%. when i was shown my room, there was a packet of all the residents' artist bios. i sat down and read through all of them. most of them were like half a page in length, single-spaced, listing out accomplishments i could never dream of. one artist had won a guggenheim. one author had published 12 books. another author published her first book at 19 years old. these were people who were extremely well accomplished and respected in their fields.

and we all became very good friends!

and then there was me. my bio was 3 sentences listing out a couple short publications and awards and other residencies i'd done. and my honest to god first thought was, "wow, the jurors must have really liked my writing to have accepted me among all these great artists."

and my second thought was, "that's the healthiest thing i have ever thought."

i had no jealousy of their accomplishments. even though my career hadn't even begun compared to theirs, i didn't attend dinner that night with any impostor syndrome. and that confirmed for me that i had grown out of whatever place i used to be in as a person, where i was basically a raw wound wrapped in barbed wire. everything hurt me and i hurt everything in return.

jealous feelings come from an intense need of external approval, but as i've mentioned in other asks, approval and validation is a well that gets filled over time. at our introductory dinner that night, i didn't talk about my work in the hope of convincing everyone i deserved to be there, which was what i would've done a few years before. instead we all ended up talking about a TV show. the most highbrow place i've ever been in my life, and we're getting wine drunk and discussing at length a cheesy discovery channel reality series. the guggenheim winner: loves box turtles. the guy who's published 12 books: his favorite movie is Spirited Away. the girl who published a book at 19: reads One Direction fanfic. the well-lauded poet: old school tumblrina.

actually, 4 out of 7 of us read fanfic and we had some great conversations about it. sometime i'll tell you about introducing the co-director of the residency to AO3.

when you think of the most accomplished and successful writer you've ever read, remember that they are, at the very core of their being, a nerd. and if you were to eat dinner with them, you would, with enough polite inquisitiveness, be able to unlock the goofy side of them that binges Property Brothers.

so that was the big change for me, i think. i started asking a lot of questions. i stopped talking and i started listening. it seems counterintuitive that admitting to not knowing stuff shows confidence, but it does. pretending you know stuff is what looks insecure. i think for me, i put so much of myself in my work, i wanted my work to be lauded so i could feel accomplished, and feeling accomplishment would let me believe i deserved to exist. but over time, i've reframed that mentality. my work is a thing that exists beyond me and is private to those who read it. it comes from me, but it is not me. what i am is just the person i am, and my life is a series of moments i choose for myself, and i am allowed to exist.

even sending this ask shows that you've begun filling your well. it takes someone who's already come a long way to realize jealousy isn't the status quo and is a feeling to be overcome. and you can overcome it. you can reach a place where you have enough success that other people's success has nothing to do with you, and you're free to just be happy for them. and when you read work that's better than yours you feel joy at learning something new.

so put your work into the world and let it be rejected. you'll rack up a couple wins or close calls, and those will give you energy to be rejected some more. and eventually you'll be rejected so much that rejection doesn't feel like anything, and you will have won enough to realize your work has a place in the world, and that place is no bigger or smaller than anyone else's. your work is allowed to exist simply as it is, and you are allowed to exist simply as you are.

[taboo-delusion]

So, I just discovered something interesting.

This is a bit of a long one, so bear with me. It's important. Seriously.

I just woke up a few hours ago. My meds are starting to kick in. I was having a very serious and genuine, deep conversation (in-head) and it was... beautiful. It wasn't happy, but it was beautiful. Not the point.

Point is:

I had not had a single fucking intrusive thought today until someone made a noise in the other room.

I am so fucking PISSED OFF

Why my brain refuses to realize that intrusive thoughts CAUSED the good feeling to go away, I have no fucking idea. I've known that for almost a year now, yet my stupid fucking subconscious refuses to change anything it's doing

Before I snap my fucking android phone in half and yeet somebody's face into neptune, I thought I'd share the discovery!!!!

Basically:

MY INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS DID NOT START UNTIL SOMETHING STARTLED ME OUT OF FOCUS

AS I TYPE THIS, I REALIZE THAT INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS -AT LEAST FOR ADHDERS- ARE A SURVIVAL TACTIC.

Elaborating:

When you fall asleep and your heart slows too much, your body does the falling thing to make sure you're still alive.

It's not that intrusive thoughts are *Just* because your brain gets too quiet, It's because your life has never been completely quite before, or -like me- the few times it is quiet, something interrupts. And even if it doesn't piss you off, even if you don't jump like I do, your brain still registers it as not safe.

--

Falling asleep, heart slows a lot-

Body: *Sends adrenaline just to make sure it still actually works.*

Drowning, even mostly unconscious-

Body and brain: *Hold onto that last half-breath even if it feels like you're head is going to explode.*

Going grocery shopping or talking to someone you think is cool-

Brain: *Remembers what it felt like the first time your guardian was indifferent or mean about something that made you happy or calm.*

Things around you actually get quiet-

Brain *Sends a thought you hate just to make sure you're prepared for a sudden problem.*

TDLR 1: Your brain isn't mean on purpose, It's just paranoid and still has a will to live.

Listen. I know I'm just some random dude from a weird blog. But I'm trying to translate, to assist. Maybe somebody else needs this realization as much as I do. I apologize for the yelling earlier. I'm still just as upset, but only at my dumbass subconscious. Now some time has passed, and I have regained self-control.

(I also apologize for the above paragraph, my brain nags for me to do this, but I can't remember why. So:)

I am no psychologist. Here are my qualifications (why you should listen to me):

As my friends call it- "Disturbingly self-aware at all times."

Paranoid Schizophrenic with actual (unrelated) OCD, with years of experience dealing with it- more healthily in recent years.

Philosophy and deep thinking is simply my default. I use metaphors, but everything in this post is entirely literal, ...except the angry threat. (*begrudgingly accepts disappointment*)

I am a fiction writer. I don't know about healing people/first aid, but I know a LOT about how anatomy works, with many deep-dives on the psychology/evolution side.

People irl generally consider me a genius? Idk how to gauge that, IQ tests are irrelevant with this type of... smart?. I've been compared to both Da Vinci and Einstein. So, ...actually that's pretty fuckin' cool- (I AM NOT TRYING TO BRAG! I APOLOGIZE IF IT COMES OFF THAT WAY! I've never put it all down like this, and I'm just surprised and questioning my reputation.)

(Also, I love playing detective, so naturally I call myself Batman XD.)

Autistic; I experience the world, and every situation, from a view without any context.

ADHD: My brain automatically -As a guardian I hate describes- "Can watch three different movies at the same time, all in fast forward, and can keep up with all of them." ... Well, yes, but technically no. Idk if other ADHD people do this, but my brain "connects the dots" so quickly, I end up laughing at jokes I've never heard before the 'punchline', because I've already figured out what you're going to say next.

Now combine all that. I am kicking depression's ass and now I want to help you do the same.

I have only mentioned the relevant things. Please keep in mind that ALL of these have both advantages and disasters. Thank you for your patience and understanding. I am running on four hours of sleep. For the love of whatever, I hope this actually helps someone other than me.

Qualifications are noted because: This is all stuff (and stuff like this) that I am just always casually aware of.

TLDR2: Even if I wasn't trying to help people feel better, Apparently I was born with a nat 20 perception/insight check, so please don't argue that I truly understand what I'm talking about here.

[teenytinyjimin]

seventh heaven (k. taehyung & p. jimin)

minors dni. DO NOT INTERACT!

summary: in which taehyung and reader just want to have a little fun with their baby jimin

pairing: taehyung x reader x jimin

word count: 3.5k words

tags: smut, threesome (m/m/f), praise, dom!taehyung, switch!reader, sub!jimin, breeding kink sorta?, edging sorta?, hickeys, fellatio, cunnilingus, unprotected sex, feminine!jimin (let him be a lil girly if he wants), taehyung being good at aftercare, also a lot of consent, consent is important yall

warnings: …smut. no other warnings. i’m not a huge degradation/danger/trauma girlie so no need to worry about that

author’s note: thank u guys sm for the support recently i rly appreciate it <3 also i’m not a huge smut writer but i’m trying to work on writing more of it so pls be gentle with me, this is the first official smut work i’ve literally ever completed (i usually always stop midway through lol)

── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──

Your relationship with Taehyung was nothing short of a dream from the moment it began.

When it came to you and him, everything was perfect. Sure, you had your typical couple arguments every once in a while, but that's what makes a relationship perfectly imperfect. You still go on dates like you did when you first started seeing each other, the flame is still very much alive, and you've built a lot of trust and communication.

So much so that you guys had agreed to open up the relationship not too long ago. Not in the sense that you guys have the freedom to see other people individually (you guys are entirely devoted to one another anyway), but in the sense that if the opportunity to spend the night with a third person arises, you'll both be open for it. You personally found it rather exciting, whereas Taehyung enjoyed seeing your enjoyment. That isn't to say he didn't enjoy it as well, but his priority is, and always will be, your happiness.

Unbeknownst to you, however, Taehyung had a secret weapon. One that he was admittedly a little nervous to use, but knew he had it in his back pocket if he ever wanted it. And that weapon was Park Jimin. His best friend since forever and the boy who secretly had a little crush on you.

It's not like Jimin straight-up told Taehyung that he was crazy for his girlfriend. He wouldn't do something like that knowing it could possibly jeopardize the relationship in question. But Taehyung knew by the way he acted around you and looked at you versus how he acted when you weren't around.

Jimin was a natural flirt, there was no question about that. Just because he loved flirting didn't mean that he wanted to get with someone though. And the one person he seems to never be able to flirt with, the one person he did want to get with, is you. He gets way too shy at the sight of you and he almost feels intimidated by your presence. Everyone has their weaknesses, and his seemed to be you.

The only reason Taehyung hasn't played his Jimin card yet is because he's concerned about their friendship. He doesn't really mind the idea of a threesome with his friend, it's just the fear that it'll change their friendship for the worse instead of for the better. He doesn't want to go through with something like this only for the relationship between them to crumble. We're talking about a friendship that has lasted for years and that has never even come close to dangerous waters. But whether he liked to admit it or not, Taehyung was a people pleaser, and something in the pit of his stomach really urged him to just go for it and see what happens.

And so he decided to go for it. Slowly and with caution, though. If at any time either of you decided to jump ship, he wasn't going to force it. All he wanted to do was see what would happen if you were posed with the opportunity.

So now, here you sat, the three of you cuddled up on your living room couch, a movie playing on the television. Platonic intimacy wasn't abnormal for you guys when it came to Jimin – he tended to be a touchy person around the people he cares about and it has nothing to do with romance or sex. You currently had your head in his lap and he had an arm draped around you, with his own head resting on Taehyung's shoulder. At the moment he seemed completely calm and collected, however neither you nor your boyfriend knew that his heart felt like it was about to beat out of his chest, simply because of you.

“Mm,” you suddenly hummed after an eternity of silence, causing Jimin’s eyes to nearly pop out of their sockets. Having your head close to such valuable parts was one thing, but to make noise that caused the whole area to vibrate was something otherworldly. With all of his might, the poor boy was trying to ignore what just happened for the sake of you not realizing that there was currently a growing hardness under your head. Biting his lip and gently pinching his arm, he attempted to focus on the movie on the television as a way to distract himself from the situation.

Alas, you didn’t shut up to his dismay. However, you did move, which was nothing short of a miracle to him. You lifted your head up from your lap to look over at your boyfriend, a pout on your face. “Love, this is boring,” you whined. Being laid down with your head craned upwards wasn’t necessarily the most comfortable thing in the world so you took a hand and rested it on Jimin’s thigh so that you were propped up with a little bit of support. While your hand held a little bit of weight to it considering the fact that it was helping you stay up, the fact that you once again were extremely close to his crotch nearly sent him to an early grave. His breath hitched ever so slightly and he closed his eyes, trying to shut out everything around him.

“Sorry, Angel,” Taehyung crossed his arms and frowned. “Couldn’t find anything else that was good.” While he looked as if he was entirely focused on you and your upset, he was well aware of the pain you were causing his friend. If his weird behaviors weren’t enough to convince him that he was struggling underneath you, Taehyung’s prior knowledge of Jimin’s attractive definitely was. Just your existence alone was enough to cause the man to be absolutely weak in the knees.

“Pfft,” You rolled your eyes, flopping your head back into Jimin’s lap. “You’re lame for that, Tae. Jimin wouldn’t treat me like that. He’d find something better to watch or do,” You looked up at the boy, who was doing everything he could to avoid eye contact. “Isn’t that right Minnie?”

Heart stopping at the sound of you speaking to him, Jimin shrugged and squeaked out a quick ‘yeah’, not wanting to further the conversation. Had he not known any better, he would’ve thought you were flirting with him and trying to suggest something. But you were in a relationship, that wasn’t possible.

“Well, don’t let me stop you then,” Taehyung looked at both you and Jimin with a smirk on his face as if he were challenging you with your own words. If he knew one thing about you, it was that you didn’t like being challenged and you would prove him wrong in any way possible in an attempt to piss him off. But you knew exactly where he was going with this. He wanted you to prove him wrong for his enjoyment as well as your own.

Reaching one of your arms upward, you gently wrapped your hand around the back of Jimin’s head and guided it down toward yours. When his face was only a few inches from your own you stopped to admire his features. He was a beautiful human, there was no doubt about it, but you never really got the chance to admire him so closely until now. His eyes, though wide with shock, were glimmering and you could almost see little hearts floating around in them. His lips, so big and plump, were the most kissable shade of pink. His skin, so soft and supple, gleamed in the low light of the living room.

Moving your hand to his cheek, you took your thumb and swiped it across his bottom lip gently and slowly. At this point his eyes were no longer wide in shock, but instead relaxed and shy. He looked at you through his eyelashes and if you were honest, you weren’t entirely sure what was going through his head. He was so difficult to read sometimes.

“Are you okay with this?” You whispered gently, keeping eye contact with him. The second he said ‘no’ you were ready to push yourself off of him and respect his boundaries, but you were just as ready to dive head-first into passion if he said ‘yes’. You watched as his eyes went from calm and collected to lusty and pleading, his lips parting slightly. “Yes, please, yes,” He whispered, his tone nearly resembling a whimper. As if his response was music to your ears, you let out a pleased hum as you closed the gap between you and locked your lips with his.

The kiss you shared with Jimin was an experience you had never felt before. Your kisses with Taehyung were otherworldly, incredible, perfect for lack of a better word. But this experience with Jimin was completely new. He was an incredibly soft kisser, his lips moving in perfect harmony with yours, and despite not being able to speak to you he was able to communicate exactly what he wanted and needed just through his kissing. He was needy while still being respectful, and hungry while still being reserved. Yet he matched your energy perfectly with no interest in heating things up unless you initiated it.

As you continued to kiss Jimin for what seemed like eons, you felt a familiar pair of hands slowly make their way from your thighs up to the hem of your pants. Taehyung's touch alone was enough to make you absolutely melt, your arousal going from high to insane within a matter of seconds. There was something about feeling his strong, warm hands trace the hem of your pants before gently unbuttoning them and pulling them down past your knees and then completely off. You let out a soft moan into Jimin's mouth as you felt Taehyung's lips make contact with your inner thighs, kissing them gently and lovingly.

"Mm," Taehyung hummed as he placed one final kiss on your upper thigh, a mere inch away from your throbbing heat. "Looks like my baby's ready for your touch, Minnie," He continued, swiping a thumb down your wet underwear. The feeling of his finger running down your most sensitive area sent a chill down your spine as you squirmed toward him, whining for more of him. Jimin broke the kiss as he looked over at Taehyung with lidded eyes. You could tell by his facial expression that he was in absolute heaven right now. After all, he was getting everything he wanted and more. "C'mere," Taehyung cooed, beckoning Jimin to switch places with him. Happy to oblige, the two swapped spots.

Uninterested in keeping you waiting, Taehyung attached his lips to yours. You were slightly taken aback by the change in pace considering your boyfriend was much more confident and aggressive about what he wanted, but once you were able to match his energy you were able to enjoy the fireworks you always felt when you were kissing him. After a moment of kissing, he pulled away from you so that he could start discarding some of his clothing before helping you pull your shirt over your head.

Jimin, who was now at your thighs, mirrored Taehyung's earlier actions and began peppering your thighs with kisses. As he trailed up from your knees to the hem of your underwear, he used gentle fingers to latch onto the waistband before looking up at you. "I-Is this okay?" He asked softly and shyly, wanting to make sure that he was allowed to go further and that this wasn't just some trick. Letting out a soft hum you ran a hand through his hair and pet his head. "Of course baby, go ahead and have what you want."

Once given the okay, the man didn't stop himself from quickly discarding your underwear and bringing a finger to circle your clit. Letting out a gasp of air, you threw your head back, trying to stop yourself from letting out perhaps the loudest moan you would have ever produced. Soon enough Taehyung's lips found their way back to yours as you continued to make out. You brought a hand down to his hip before slipping your hand down his boxers and feeling your way to his erection. Your boyfriend let out a gentle grunt into your mouth at your touch, his brain foggy with bliss.

As you continued to move your hand along Taehyung's dick, you felt a gentle finger slip into your entrance, and then a second. You let out a soft moan and instinctually pushed yourself down onto Jimin's fingers which began slowly moving in and out of you. They were different from Taehyung's, much smaller, but were able to get the job done very well. When his fingers were as deep as they could possibly go, he curled them, hitting all the right spots in all the right ways.

"Mmh," You whimpered into Taehyung's mouth as you felt your partner smile against your lips before pulling away. He went to go take his boxers off so that his dick could be free for you to do whatever you please to, but you beat him to the punch and immediately attached both hands to the waistband and yanked them down. With a smirk on his face, Taehyung leaned down to give you one more gentle kiss before taking his hand and giving his cock a couple of pumps. "Someone's a little impatient," he hummed, causing you to whimper once again.

As soon as he got close enough to you, you took your boyfriend's dick into one hand and ran your tongue along the tip, eliciting an impulsive moan of pleasure to come out of his mouth. You gave the tip just a couple more licks before beginning to take his length into your mouth. Just as you were doing so, however, you felt a new presence at your core. Not only was Jimin continuing to finger you, but he now attached his mouth to your clit, giving it the gentlest of kitten licks as a way to playfully tease at it. You let out an ecstatic moan which caused your entire mouth to vibrate and caused Taehyung to throw his head back in pleasure.

"You're doing... so good... baby... so good," Taehyung breathed out as he began to slowly thrust in and out of your mouth, bringing his hand to cup one of your breasts. As he moved in and out you continued to swirl your tongue around as best as you could, letting out the occasional moan when Jimin hit your clit in just the right way with his tongue. As he continued to double-stimulate you with both his tongue and his fingers, you brought a hand down to grab at his hair. He let out a soft moan in surprise, not expecting you to grab for him, which caused an even greater rush of pleasure to your clit. He let out a couple more moans and hums, knowing it was helping get you along, until you were seeing stars behind your eyelids and your orgasm came to you not just like a wave, but like a full-blown tsunami.

With your mouth still preoccupied with Taehyung, you attemped to look out of the corner of your eye to see Jimin come up for air. From what you could tell, he looked as beautiful as always, though with tousled hair and a face sheen from your wetness. You watched as, with pleading eyes, he looked up at your boyfriend "Please let me fuck her, Tae."

Taehyung, who was far too busy riding his own high, was snapped back to reality when he heard his friend beg. He pulled his dick from your mouth momentarily, somewhat edging himself, to reach over and swipe a hand over Jimin's sweat-beaded forehead before giving him a nod. "Be gentle with her, Minnie. Don't wanna hurt my angel now, do we?" The older boy gave an eager nod as he began stripping himself of his clothes. You admired his toned figure for a moment before Taehyung guided your chin with your hand to face him. You looked up at him, his hair ever-so-slightly damp with sweat, as reached down and gave you a tender kiss. "You look so beautiful, darling... so perfect," He mumbled, kissing you again before trailing down your jawline and neck. After every couple of kisses he would bite down and suck, leaving prominent hickeys all over the upper half of your body.

Completely forgetting about anything else for a moment, you get caught up in the pleasure of your boyfriend marking you and gasp at the feeling of the tip of Jimin's cock rubbing against your entrance. You feel it twitch slightly at the contact as you already hear a soft moan escape the boy's lips. Before you could even think about anything else he bucks his hips forward as he pushes himself into you, letting out a low whimper until he bottoms out. You throw your head back in pleasure, arching your back and gripping the couch below you. Taehyung comes up from kissing and marking you to look at your face, admiring the pleasure that was coursing through your features. He took a hand and caressed your cheek, murmuring sweet nothings to you while both you and Jimin adjusted to the contact.

Once Jimin was used to feeling you around him he began to slowly thrust in and out of you, going as deep as possible each time he thrusted back in. He was hitting all of the right places and it was driving you absolutely wild, causing you to let out uncontrolled moans each time he reached your g-spot. In an attempt to take advantage of your moans and to chase his own pleasure again, Taehyung returned his dick to your mouth, letting the tip touch the back of your throat so that it would get the most intense vibrations whenever you let out a sound.

At this point, the three of you were going crazy. All that could be heard throughout the house was a chorus of moans, whimpers, and grunts as the two boys thrust in and out of you and you consumed yourself with the pleasure that you were feeling. As Jimin's moans became more breathy and needy, they began to become straight up whines. "I'm..." He panted, unable to form a complete sentence as he began to ride his high. Taehyung, aware of what was happening, stopped momentarily. "On her stomach, Jimin," He snapped. He wasn't going to let his friend cum inside of you even if that meant grabbing him and pulling him out of you himself.

Fortunately able to respect Taehyung's wishes, Jimin pulled out just in time, his dick twitching as ropes of white coated your stomach. He pumped his cock with his hand a couple of times to make sure he got all of the cum out, but after doing so completely collapsed onto the couch, eyes glossed over as he was caught in a daze of euphoria. Your boyfriend pulled his own cock out of your mouth as he grabbed you and gently turned you so that he was able to enter your cunt himself, thrusting in and out of you with sporadic passion and energy.

As he continued Jimin's job of hitting your g-spot, he brought a hand to your clit and rubbed his thumb over it, causing you to twitch under his touch. You let out uncontrolled moans as Taehyung's own moans started to turn into whimpers as he got closer. You began to tighten around him as you rode your own orgasm and he released inside of you shortly after, painting your walls white. As he let every last drop of his cum enter you he continued to thrust sloppily, ensuring his seed was staying inside. Once it got overstimulating, however, he pulled out and flopped down onto the couch between you and Jimin.

"You did so well," Taehyung cooed, pulling you close to him and giving you a kiss on the forehead. He then turned to Jimin and caressed his face, pushing his sweat-dampened hair out of his eyes and rubbing his cheek gently. Jimin was still far too dazed to speak or react to Taehyung's words or actions. He was still in complete shock that this even happened in the first place, but he wasn't about to say that he wasn't thankful that it did.

You watched your boyfriend through lidded eyes as he got up to go retrieve a towel from the bathroom that he could use to wipe your stomach as well as between your legs. He knew that you would probably go take a shower anyway, which is what you should do, but he didn't really want you to be sitting there in that state anyway.

Once done cleaning you up, he pressed a tender kiss to your lips. The three of you eventually got redressed for the time being so that you could appropriately resume your boring movie and watch it to the end. Because let's be honest, even though the movie sucked, you loved each other's company and you didn't want the night to end.

[paeliae-occasionally]

Writeblr interview!

Thanks for the tags @drchenquill and @theink-stainedfolk.

Short stories, novels or poems?

I am currently only working on novels, but I consistently have to write little short stories when parts of the world come up that aren’t relevant to the story. I haven’t written a poem in a while, I might do that.

What genre do you prefer reading?

I read fantasy, sci-fi, the usual but then the other half of my bookshelf is physics and psychology books. I also read lots of books about Ancient Greece and Rome and have recently purchased one on Venice.

What genre do you prefer writing?

The world I am currently writing starts high fantasy then falls, so in the time of the main plot it is more of a general fantasy.

Are you a planner or a write-as-i-go kind of person?

I do plan because otherwise my vague concept of a story will never become a plot, but the outline can change as I go if I feel like another idea would be better.

What music do you listen to while writing the story?

I can’t listen to music while writing. It distracts me. I do however have a constant internal playlist and while working on Kell in the Xaeren WIP I have she used to be mine playing. It is not consistent.

Fav books/movies

Ooh, ok favourite books include: Strange the dreamer, Babel, Piranesi, The wind singer series and The mistborn series. I don’t really watch many movies.

Any Current WIPs?

Yep, They don’t have titles yet but the two I work on the most are Xaeren and Paeliae.

If someone were to make a cartoon out of you, what would your standard outfit be?

Dark blue cloak with many pockets for runes or spell components. I also hide trinkets in there. I would have a flowy blue starry top and black leggings. It would be very breathable and easy to move in and would blend in well with shadows.

Create a character description of yourself.

You look over to the side of the room, and there was nobody there. It was confusing, like a vacuum in space where you knew person should be but they just weren’t. They didn’t break the silence so you couldn’t hear their offer to join them at the table, yet you accepted all the same and sat down. Despite their absence they filled the chair opposite you and didn’t smile because they weren’t there. Still you could feel the amusement that managed to escape them.

Do you like incorporating people you actually know into your writing?

No. It feels weird to write real people. I do steal names but that is about it.

Are you kill-happy with the characters?

I don’t like killing heroes without good reason. I will do it to show stakes or for tragedy but for it to mean anything you have to use it sparingly.

Coffee or Tea while writing?

Neither. Lemonade sometimes.

Slow or Fast writer?

Depends on my mood. If I can focus I can write quite quickly but if I am not on task it takes ages to write anything.

Where/who/what do you find inspiration from?

daydreams, other people’s writing.

If you were put into a fantasy world, what would you be?

I would have magic even if I have to study for another 10 years to get there. Whoever I have to bribe or kill, I will get magic.

Fave book cliche?

Hmm… I love magic/action prologue then cut to our main character on a farm or in regular life somewhere. I use it all to much just to set a tone but it is a bit cliche.

Least fave book cliche?

I hate miscommunication. It can work in comedy settings but if you want a dramatic story and the threat to the characters could be resolved by a short conversation then I get frustrated.

Fave scenes to write?

Conversations. Especially conversations where something new is implied about a character. I love getting a vibe from a character’s dialogue and then seeing it come true later.

Most productive time of day for writing?

Whenever the motivation hits. I schedule writing for the morning around 8-10 I have to get stuff done.

Reason for writing?

The people have to go somewhere. I have had stories before that I have forgotten and it is so sad, I just want to put them somewhere more long lasting than my mind.

Tagging @illarian-rambling, @phoenixradiant, @kaylinalexanderbooks, @leahnardo-da-veggie and @the-golden-comet

[magentagalaxies]

hi @liliana-von-k, thanks for the follow! i have answered this question before but i love talking about kids in the hall and my "origin story" with them so i'm happy to tell it again (jsyk it will be a long post bc i always have to tell the full story bc i love it so much)

basically my parents have both been kith fans since the 90s, so even before i had seen any of the show itself there were certain kith quotes that were just part of my family's vocabulary. the first sketch i watched was "these are the daves i know" when i was like 8 years old and i became obsessed with that song. i watched a few other sketches/the first few episodes from season one but i didn't truly get into kith until after their documentary "comedy punks" was released

see, my mom is a big documentary person so she was like "oh hey there's a new kids in the hall documentary! do you want to watch it?" and i just kind of shrugged and was like sure i'll be in the room while it's on, probably working on my own stuff or scrolling on my phone. but like not even five minutes in i was hooked. while i'd always enjoyed kids in the hall's comedy, something about hearing the very personal histories of how the troupe came together and survived for all these years was so affecting. i think it was scott specifically that really signaled to me that this show was something special, and the part where bruce talked about comforting scott while he had cancer by telling him how the rest of the troupe would die first was so powerful. honestly no individual movie has changed my life more than comedy punks did specifically bc it gave me that push to get into kith and approached it from such a human perspective, which definitely informed my approach to the rest of their work and them as people. i remember watching comedy punks for the first time and getting this strange feeling i couldn't pin down yet that was like this is important, not just referring to the show or the troupe, but like this feeling that i had just crossed a turning point in my life, and i remember feeling this pull towards toronto which seemed frivolous at the time but has been so heavily solidified as i'm now planning to move there in just over a year.

so i bingewatched all of the kids in the hall tv show in summer 2022, as well as brain candy, death comes to town, the amazon season, etc. basically as much kith stuff as i could find. but i needed more. so i started getting into side projects, which brought me to "mouth congress" (a queer-punk band scott thompson and paul bellini had in the early 80s that they've recently started putting out new music with again). i found a youtube channel with a bunch of recent live performance clips of the band and each video had like less than 10 views. so since i didn't have anyone to infodump about kith with irl (aside from my very patient mother lol) i started commenting on every video, complimenting the performances and pretending i was talking to a friend, confident no one would actually see it

after 2 weeks of this, turns out someone did see it. PAUL BELLINI HIMSELF. this led to a whole back-and-forth which eventually ended up with him emailing me a copy of the unreleased mouth congress documentary, i emailed back asking if he'd be interested in meeting on zoom (since i am a queer comedy writer myself so both he and scott are my biggest comedy inspirations), and yeah bellini is a delightful person to talk to and we very quickly became friends. i ended up offering to run mouth congress's social media, which can be found on both tumblr and instagram as @mouthcongress and posts both vintage videos from the 80s/90s and recent live clips. they're currently working on an album of entirely new material written in the past 2 years which is going to be released soon (we don't have a specific release date but the recording is completed and they've started filming music videos for it!! but i'm getting ahead of myself lmao)

a few months pass and mouth congress is set to perform at a new year's eve show at a local club in toronto. i'd never been to toronto before, never even left the united states, but paul says it would be so great to have me there and by some miracle my parents say yes to making the trip (they still can't believe this is happening either, since they were kith fans first!). the trip is wonderful, i immediately fall in love with the city, i get lunch with paul irl for the first time and get to have my very first face-to-face conversation with my number one comedy inspiration scott thompson. it's honestly a little awkward but in an adorable funny way. i also have my first legal drink at that show (bc canadian drinking age is lower than the us), specifically saying i want to have my first drink with buddy cole, which both scott and paul are very into

it's actually only a couple weeks until i'm in toronto again, because scott is debuting a new buddy cole show consisting of monologues that were all censored by amazon that he pitched during the revival season. this is my first time traveling a long distance without my family which my mom is anxious about so paul bellini lets me have him as my emergency contact. the show is amazing, i get to stay for the afterparty, and while i'm there i casually mention that i'm surprised no one has made a buddy cole documentary yet. like, this character has such a rich history even beyond the kids in the hall (which i can infodump about all day lmao) and is such an important staple of queer comedy that doesn't get the attention he deserves. the kith documentary is great, but where's my buddy cole documentary? paul accepts my pitch (that i didn't even realize i was pitching), passes along the idea to scott, and yeah now i'm legit directing a film with my number one comedy heroes and i haven't even graduated college yet. what the fuck. i expected this to be the type of thing i accomplish over 20 years into my career, not at twenty!! so yeah that's how the buddy cole documentary started. i'm still in preproduction on it but we're launching an indiegogo crowdfunding campaign for it in the next 2 weeks bc this has evolved into a full feature-length film with some incredible celebrity interviewees, both kith and otherwise.

anyway a few months later it's announced bruce mcculloch is bringing his one-man-show to the city i go to school in. not only that, but his theater is literally 2 blocks from campus. i ask paul if he'd give me bruce's contact so i can set up an interview for my school's newspaper, paul gives me bruce's assistant's email, and i set up a 30-minute zoom two weeks before bruce will be in town. the conversation honestly goes bizarrely well. like it's honestly surreal how close bruce and i got after only knowing each other for a half hour? he's such an easy person to talk to and literally by the end of that conversation he was already calling himself my mentor, asking about my comedy, and offering to let me meet him backstage after his show. which is exactly what i did, launching yet another incredible friendship-slash-mentorship with one of the kids in the hall.

bruce eventually signed on to executive produce the buddy cole documentary (alongside paul bellini), i've been up to toronto in january, april, june, august, and october this year (so essentially every 2 months, though it was slightly offset by going twice in january) and i'm planning on going up in december, every time not only do i find time to meet up with scott, paul, and bruce but they all deliberately try to reserve as much "jess time" as they can because i have a unique and powerful friendship with each of them, every time i finish a new creative project paul has to see it bc he loves how ambitious i am, i repeatedly wake up to texts scott sends me at 3am about the documentary and how excited he is to have me on tour with him to film it next year, bruce thinks it's hilarious he used to think i was "shy" bc i've gotten so comfortable going on infodumps and tangents about things i'm passionate about, and the three of them all feel like extended family. best of all, i actually have plans to graduate from college a semester early so that i can use the money (and time) i've saved to find a place in toronto and start making even more connections with the comedy community up there (also for the record: no i have not met mark, kevin, or dave yet. i know kevin is aware of my existence from bruce giving me a shoutout at a show they both did but that's about it. but i know i will interview all of them for my documentary)

so anyway that's how i got into kids in the hall. i know only the first 2 paragraphs answer your question, but at this point my love for this show has become so so intertwined with my relationships to bruce and scott and paul as humans that i don't really consider getting into kids in the hall and getting to know the kids in the hall as separate things in my life.

(also if you have any follow-up questions on anything mentioned feel free to reply or dm me, this goes for everyone else too!)

[theresistanceneverquits]

So this last week was OCD Awareness Week and it got me thinking about how in TMNT 2012, Donnie was “confirmed” to have obsessive-compulsive disorder. (A writer who worked on the show confirmed it.) However, as someone with OCD I have never related to Donnie, and I’ve recently been rewatching the series with this knowledge in mind and still have not seen any good evidence of representation from him.

However, I feel like a character that actually displays themes of OCD well is Leo. I will say that my view of Leo’s OCD-coding is more based on his mentality, as opposed to actually showing signs of rituals or anything. This is me acknowledging that in-canon he does not exhibit Actual signs of OCD (neither does Donnie), but rather that his mentality better reflects OCD than Donnie’s does, to the point where I’ve related to Leo at times because of these themes.

There are also aspects that overlap with Leo possibly having ptsd and/or depression in the series, but I am making this analysis to educate you about how OCD works regardless, as I feel there is still something to be learned from headcanons and theories when it comes to analysis. I will also analyze how Donnie’s traits that can be skewed to represent OCD actually better fit a diagnosis of autism, using research provided to me by some friends who are autistic.

Onto the analysis! Starting with Donnie, there were a few traits I was able to identify that could work as OCD. He’s neat and organized, dislikes change, and hyperfixates on his work. He also had that chart to help him ask out April, which shows his need for preparation. However, his chart was in preparation for the sake of a goal, whereas for OCD the “preparation” is like preparing for a tragedy that will never exist. And the chart is being used to avoid social conflict as opposed to his own internal anxiety. These traits are not caused by a need to satisfy intrusive thoughts and compulsions, but are rather how he processes his environment better. Donnie would feel frustrated, off-kilter, and overwhelmed if his routines were messed with. Leo attaches more of a moral weight to the actions in his routines.

So that brings me to how Donnie shows signs of being autistic. He tends to explain things and volunteer information when the situation doesn’t call for it, and especially during dire situations. An interesting parallel is how in Rise of the TMNT, Donnie is canonically autistic; in the Rise Movie Donnie says, “Data collection calms me down.” In the season 2 finale of 2012, Donnie tells Leo that oversharing and being technical is “how I deal with stress!”

Donnie also stims, such as often sticking out his tongue when he works. He is also very particular about the layout of his stuff in his lab, and shows great distress when someone (Mikey) messes with his stuff. He doesn’t want to feel out of control of his environment in his own workspace. He also tends to take things literally, such as when Raph said “Could we pick a more cliche way to get eaten?” sarcastically, and Donnie proceed to list off actual cliches to Raph’s annoyance.

Finally, Donnie sometimes experiences sensory discomfort. When Mikey spilled “greasy popcorn” all over Donnie, Donnie was enraged, noting the fact that it was greasy in particular. Additionally, at a point where all the Turtles get sprayed with monster guts, Donnie’s initial reaction is to ask for hand sanitizer. While washing your hands and being clean is a common OCD trait, Donnie’s concern here is with because of the texture and germs associated.

Leo’s turn!

Okay so before we get to how 2012 Leo is OCD-coded, I want to point out that Leo actually definitely has OCPD in every version except for Rise and you can fight me on that. “Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder is characterized by a pervasive preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, and control (with no room for flexibility) that ultimately slows or interferes with completing a task;” Leo is consistently portrayed as being a controlling perfectionist. Additionally, “OCPD is a personality disorder, which means it involves personality traits that are stable, long-held, atypical, and problematic in some way. In the case of OCPD, people with this condition may find it hard to relate to others, and their devotion to perfectionism and rigid control can make it difficult to function.” This is Leo to a T. Others around him get annoyed with these traits in him, and these traits make up many of his definitive personality traits across the franchise. This side note aside, we may move on to OCD.

I am reiterating here that my purpose is to show how Leo’s themes as a character and in his story reflect those of obsessive-compulsive disorder and am seeking to analyze and educate based on that. I am not arguing that he canonically has OCD. That being said, his themes align best with the subtype of moral scrupulosity OCD, which has people obsess over the morality of their thoughts and actions and often seek outside help to distinguish the truth.

Some basics of Leo’s character that fit OCD themes: he has several episodes of panic, recurring nightmares about his worst fears, he’s controlling and a perfectionist, and thinks something bad will happen if he isn’t at his best and puts all that pressure on himself alone. People with OCD tend to believe that bad things happen because of certain things that they do or don’t do, regardless of how accurate that belief is (it is not an accurate belief). They also can seem oddly controlling to others as they try to gauge certain no-no actions from those around them. Additionally, in “Fungus Humongous,” Leo says, “I face my fear every day.” OCD is run by fear and paranoia, and we too face our fears every day. Fun fact: I like to watch “Parisitica” and “Fungus Humongous” when I’m feeling low because of how relatable I find Leo’s struggles in them.

FINALE SPOILERS: Finally, a symptom of OCD includes “Aggressive or horrific thoughts about losing control and harming yourself or others,” which I feel parallels in Mutant Apocalypse, when Leo attacks his family in a crazed state. He becomes just like the Shredder at this moment; a direct contradiction to his worst fear of losing them. He becomes double mutated because he chose to save his family over himself.

Examining now how Leo’s struggles line up with the morality theme, it’s like his brain is giving him ultimatums and black and white statements about ‘ok you have to be THIS or else THIS will happen.’ In a smaller scale, he would rather do training “right” than quickly, like in that scene where Leo’s doing his katas slower than his brothers and he makes a jab at them for their ‘poor’ form.’ Another interesting example comes with how he is consistently obsessed with finding and helping Karai throughout the series. He feels an intense sense of responsibility about it, even in situations when it really seems out of their hands, either because of wacky circumstances or because of her own actions. He says he's doing it for Splinter, but Splinter has already reassured him several times that he doesn't NEED to. His obsession conflicts with the interests of literally his entire family; it’s a situation that is linked with his morality. Leo is a very kind person who sees the best in people and wants to help them. Karai is his sister and his father’s daughter; he takes it as his personal responsibility to save her—a savior complex born from this obsession.

Now I wanna talk about Leo’s fears and where he turns to deal with them. OCD thrives off of people “Doubting and having difficulty tolerating uncertainty.” The next few sections includes major spoilers for the season 4 finale as well as talk of Main Character Death, so feel free to skip this section. Season 4’s space arc and events taking place after “Requiem” show intense examples of this for Leo. While a part of his actions here are likely due to ptsd and/or depression, it also parallels well with how OCD works.

Leo often goes to his father for advice. However, in the space arc when he’s separated from Splinter and in season 5 when Splinter is dead, Leo still has a need to seek advice and validation from his father. It is a response of grief, but it’s also his way of feeling like he’s getting guidance in a time when he doesn’t trust himself. This is similar to the reassurance-seeking compulsion, where someone with OCD goes to an outside source to entertain whatever thoughts the OCD has come up with, instead of just letting those thoughts go. Leo talking with Splinter practically every day via hologram in the space arc is his coping mechanism during that time, but even his brothers view it as excessive. It’s as if it’s the only thing tethering him during that time where he has little stability.

Additionally, ruminating is seen in the form of Leo constantly focusing on Splinter’s death, both in the space arc and post-“Requiem.” “OCD obsessions are repeated, persistent and unwanted thoughts, urges or images that are intrusive and cause distress or anxiety;” in “Trans-Dimensional Turtles” in the space arc, Leo is talking with the past version of Splinter and sees a vision of him being stabbed by the Shredder. This flashback is presented as something he is constantly thinking and worried about; very little else consumes his thoughts. The ptsd overlap once again occurs here, but I am pointing out that it is this sort of rumination that people with OCD experience often.

Finally, people with OCD “may try to ignore or stop [their] obsessions, but that only increases [their] distress and anxiety.” In the space arc, Leo is slowly being put through it, until he snaps near the end of the arc, going off on a suicide mission alone when he thinks they’ve been led astray by Fugitoid. No one in his family brought up their concerns for his mental well-being to him, and when not surrounded by his family he expressed his doubts and fears. But most of the time for those 6 months Leo spent in denial, singularly focused on their mission to save Earth and Master Splinter. It wasn’t until that vision was seemingly put in jeopardy that he finally snapped and acted reckless to the point of nearly dying. Leo simultaneously indulged in his obsessions while consciously ignoring their existence while in the presence of others, and that led to him being in great distress.

2012 Donnie is not at all a representation of obsessive-compulsive disorder past being the “smart character,” but he is a good representation of autism, whether intentional or not. Leonardo, while not explicitly being a character with OCD, does carry similar themes that make for a relatable OCD-coded character.

Here’s my contribution to OCD Awareness Week. You are now Aware.

Special Thanks:

@/sailor_the_robot on Insta for practically co-writing this with me. Much of this essay includes direct quotes from her.

@phoenixquill-art for her help as well with Donnie’s analysis!

@mej2235 for beta reading :3

Sources:

[kydrogendragon]

I saw the writing ask, if you're doing it: 13 or 30

Took me forever to find the post again! My Tumblr did not want to show it to me, lol

13. Rate your worldbuilding skills from 1 to 10.

Hmm . . . I thought on this one for a bit. See, on one hand, there are some authors and writers out there that deserve a true 10 (or higher) that come to mind, like Tolkien with the expansive universe and such he had created. And those seem very "Heavy In Worldbuilding" type stories. But worldbuilding still comes into play for stories set in our normal world as we know it too, of course, not just fantasy settings 😅

So after pondering worldbuilding in general for probably far too long, I'm thinking I'll go to a solid 5. I feel like I'm decent at world building and considering different aspects of the world my stories take place in and how that might affect things, but I know I've a lot of room for improvement in that regard. There's been many cases where people would comment or theorize on different things and how it might affect the story that I hadn't ever even thought of! So, probably at my current skill level, pretty average, I think.

30. Describe a fic that almost happened, but then it didn't

Oh gods, so many. Of which, many are in WIP status because I'll feel bad if I day they're abandoned 🤣 But let's see, what's a good one that I don't think I'll get around to writing . . .

I really wanted to try writing a classic fake-dating, only one bed trope filled fic with Dreamling. Very Hallmark Movie-esque with Hob not wanting to deal with his family and grandparents and everyone asking when he's "going to bring someone home again" and "you deserve to have another chance at happiness" and "Elle would want you to try again" and "I don't want to see you all alone, it's not good for you." And Hob's just . . . Done with it all. He's not sure he can handle another holiday filled with those comments, so when his Ma calls, confirming when he's coming down for Christmas and asks if it's just him, he lies and says no. It's not. He's bringing his partner.

And then freaks out once he hangs up and realizes what he's done.

I had the thought of him meeting Dream on the way there. Both of them waiting at the train station to get out into the countryside. The trains running late. Snow's coming down pretty quickly. Dream's miserable and Hob overhears his argument over the phone with someone (Desire? Death? Night?) before growling out that "he would have a better holiday keeled over in a ditch on the side of the road than if he spent a single minute within any of your company." And aggressively (as aggressive as one can with a smartphone) hangs up. He starts gathering his items, looking ready to head back to London when Hob speaks before his brain can tell him it's a terrible plan.

He asks Dream—without even knowing the man's name—to come spend the holidays with him. Says there's gonna be good food, a cozy fireplace, a cute cat, and that no one should have to spend the season alone, even if their family sucks.

Dream, fresh off his most recent failure of a relationship with Thessaly, feeling more depressed than his usual baseline, and a tad more comfortable than he should with the idea that this man could very well be a serial killer, agrees. He shouldn't. Death's voice rings in his head, telling him this is how true crime podcasts start, this is how horror movies start. But he finds he can't even bring himself to care.

They talk a bit over the train ride, small things. Hob does most of the talking. Then Hob brings up the fact that he may have told his Ma he was bringing a date.

Dream bristles at that, they get into a quietly heated argument on the train but the fight soon leaves him. Perhaps this is the only way someone could "love" him: faked for their sake. Untrue. A lie. But it's better than nothing.

So to that, he also agrees. Hob's shocked through this whole thing and feeling guilty about basically conning this man into being his "boyfriend". But then, in classic rom-com fashion, they start to truly fall in love, though convinced the other isn't. There's probably a good portion of arguments and rubbing each other the wrong way, of course. And intentional embarrassment of each other too.

But it's when Christmas morning comes around and the whole family is having fun and laughing and watching each other open gifts that one of Hob's little cousins hands him a small, flat package with his name in fancy script. He blinks, confused as he sees the "From" field filled in with Dream's name.

"I thought we said we weren't giving each other anything?" Hob asks, brow quirked upward, wondering when the hell this man even had time to get him a gift. (Then a spark of fear, wondering what the hell is in this package. Especially after their fight the night before.)

Dream says nothing, of course, just silently watches with an intensity Hob's begun to grow fond of, hands curled around a warm mug of hot cocoa, still clad in the set of matching PJ'S Hob's mother had bought them both.

Hob peels back the shiny red wrapping paper to find a single sheet of thicker paper. On it, a wonderfully sketched and rendered image of Hob's very own face rests. He's smiling, wrapped up with the beanie and scarf combination he'd worn on their outing to the tree farm earlier. It takes his breath away.

"Turn it over," Dream commands quietly, the sound of joyous laughter and activity nearly drowns his deep voice out.

On the back is that same, neat script. There's a letter addressed to him. His eyes barely get through the first sentence before he tears up.

"I have grown far fonder of you this past week than would be advisable, but as I have found throughout my life, the heart rarely cares for such matters of the mind. You aggravate me, Hob Gadling. You, with your overly cheerful morning greetings and terrible singing. You, with your propensity for listening to the same three Christmas songs on repeat and a ludacris appetite for sweets. You, who would visit the Queen of England in nothing more than coderoy trousers and a secondhand sweater vest. There are countless reasons I should only feel disdain for you. Had we met in any other fashion, I doubt we would have ever wished to speak with one another again.

And yet . . . And yet, I find myself smiling when I hear your voice above the falling water in the bathroom. And yet I find myself humming along to the words to Deck the Halls, a song I had never known the lyrics to before this year. And yet I find myself enjoying the warmth and comfort one finds wrapped in your arms, pressed against those very sweater vests.

You confuse me, Hob Gadling. You are the antithesis of everything I have ever sought in others, but perhaps that is why I now find myself falling for you. You who understand me at a level I find terrifying. You who is unafraid to push me when I need pushing, to guard me when the world is more than I can handle.

I believe I am falling in love with you, Hob. And that terrifies me. But, perhaps, you have started to feel the same?"

Hob, of course, all but falls into Dream's lap and kisses the man, earning a whooping holler from his brother. Be he doesn't care. Because he has Dream, something he thought impossible.

Writing Ask Game

[bananaphone---t]

I just rewatched Be Very Afraid, and while there are some really good parts that I still enjoy, there are others that left me unsatisfied. (Under the cut)

To start, I'll say the parts that I can give credit where credit is due.

They did a really good job showing just how overwhelming and draining fear can be.

Fear really can stop you in your tracks, and can take over if you allow it to become you (as seen with the "frozen permanently" suggests, at least to me).

As someone who suffers from chronic anxiety (to the point of being treated and in therapy for it), the message of this episode hit me hard.

Speaking of this...

I love how the writers handled Varian.

I love that they showed the fact that he's still struggling with what happened to his father and the fact it made him turn evil. And that despite the fact it's all in the past and that everyone has seemingly forgiven him, the fear will remain, especially if he doesn't face it head-on.

On another note; LANCE. GETTING. A FUCKING. SOLO.

James Monroe Iglehart getting to show off his singing chops is one of my absolute favorite parts of this episode.

Whenever I watch this one and he begins singing, I'm just screaming happily that they finally just let him go off and show everyone why he belongs not only on this show but also as a freaking Broadway actor (*cough* kinda like Jeremy Jordan *cough*).

Okay... So here's where we run into where I was, and still am, dissatisfied with this episode...

While I enjoy most of this episode, I wasn't really happy with both Rapunzel and Eugene's fears... Specifically, Rapunzel's, as I've slowly started to make a bit more logical sense of Eugene's.

Throughout the entire episode (both watching it the first time and recently), I was expecting her fear to be of Gothel's return, sort of similar to her dream in What The Hair?!. Or her seeing Eugene's death again. Or some sad, heart-crushing combination of both.

Unfortunately for me, it was none of the above, and, instead, it was her losing Cass and seeing Corona in flames...

While I can see that to be a valid fear of Rapunzel's, I just can't see it as her worst fear.

This may just be me nitpicking at this point (and could also come across as me not liking Cass as a character, but that's a post for another time), but I also didn't like that they copied a lot of things from the movie, to be mirrored into being with Cass, in Rapunzel Day One.

Events like that, what happens in BVA, and her holding Cass in her arms while a tear falls in Plus Est En Vous, kind of annoy me... I feel like it affects the impact of what Eugene did for her, and the fact that those moments were supposed to be sort of... special between them, I guess?

With Flynnposter I can let it slide (sounds biased since I love said episode), because of the obvious implications of not only the name of the episode but the actual happenings in it as well; Brock is pretending to be Flynn Rider (and, in turn, pretending to be Eugene).

I just think that using Cass as Rapunzel's worst fear just because of their relationship at that point, and the fact that Cass essentially had the same fear, was just a cheap way of showing that Cass could still be saved.

Overall, despite all my nitpicking and dislike of certain parts, this episode is still one of my favorites. And even though I don't like certain parts, in a way, that's kind of a good thing. It leaves more room for freeform with fics. 💕

[lesbianlotties]

20 questions for fic writers

thanks for tagging me @lilolilyr !! ily <33

1. How many works do you have on ao3?

120 works!

2. What’s your total ao3 word count?

oh i didn't want to be outed on this but... 1,262,993

3. What fandoms do you write for?

i have written for 18 fandoms! currently i'm only writing for yellowjackets. but i might write more for ronance, i could update the warrior nun fic. and who knows, maybe a new season/movie will get me writing wednesday and the old guard again!

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

Aftermath Kudos: 3,605 - aka "holy shit a lot of people were reading wednesday fanfic huh??"

make my menace into someone you'd adore Kudos: 2,179 - ronance coworkers enemies to lovers my beloved!

through the grief can't fight the feeling of relief Kudos: 1,381 - very soft warrior nun fic

five times Deena and Sam met in secret (and one time they didn’t)  Kudos: 1,154 - ngl i didn't think fear street fics got these many kudos but this was a lovely time!

Elvis cloned by aliens (you never know...) Kudos: 912 - it's literally insane to me that a one shot got this many kudos! (let's get it to 1k? 👀)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

yes!! i think like 99% of the time. i just love it so much. i love saying thank u because i'm genuinely SO thankful for every comment. and i have a feeling if i reply it might inspire people to leave more comments. and also sometimes it's a chance to just talk more about the fic! which i love doing, there's nothing like getting to talk about it

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

hmmm i don't love writing angsty endings, as you'll see by the fact that i wrote these two super angsty endings and then i went and wrote a sequel/alternate ending for both ghsjfdghkdfjg but anyway there's:

I'm sorry (it should've been me) - nancy tells robin she loves her but she's too late (in the rain)

If I could hold you for a minute (darling, I'd go through it again) - laura lee reincarnated as the bear and you know what happened to it

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

oh most of them lmao hmm i think i’m going to go for these “everyone survived post canon and they move in together to be happy and heal as a family” Extremely Uneventful Subject for tog and Who would I be without you, without them? for yellowjackets

8. Do you get hate on fic?

hmmm no i think that’s never happened! the closest thing might have been someone suggesting i always killed certain character when it’s the entire opposite. or the funny alternative, when someone literally only mentioned the men in the background of the story in every single comment they left lol but even those were mostly nice comments!

9. Do you write smut?

i do yes! not much and i only yielded and started writing it recently but i’ve loved it so far lol four of my most popular yj fics are smut, one of them is one of my favorites ever, and there’s that one ronance fic i posted on anon first… iykyk

10. Do you write crossovers?

i’ve done two! Immortals and Librarians for tog and gunpowder milkshake and (Red) Room For 8 for ocean’s 8 and hill house

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not that i know of!! hopefuly not

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

yes! 【翻译】Being with you (Makes the flame burn good) by R_H_Felidae_Athena

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

i have tried but they haven’t been posted/finished yet :(

14. What’s your all-time favourite ship?

okay so that’s a Tough question. judging by amount of fic written it’s robin and nancy, my current favorite is lottie and laura lee, but i also just rewatched bly manor and let me tell you, there’s no one at the level of dani and jamie <3

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but probably won’t?

there’s too many 😭 going as far back as the ocean’s 8 days there's the haunted house one, then fear street enemies to lovers, my warrior nun fic, yellowjackets coffee shop au, and all the ideas i haven’t even started ghsjfdghjf

16. What are your writing strengths?

oh don't do this to me. i literally never know what to reply to this. i... well i'd like to think i'm good at characterization and maybe dialogue!

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

hmm i think i have a serious lack of discipline that means i only write when the mood is right and i will never stick to a schedule or plan or routine lol and okay i'll admit it, i might be too lazy to do the research necessary to write certain things/stories so i just avoid them 😭 but in my defense it's because too much research for academic reasons made me allergic to it

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

hm. i did this somewhat regularly with the old guard and in one ronance fic but looking back i don’t love it very much, it’s just okay i guess. this is just for me personally!

19. First fandom you wrote for?

ocean’s 8 hgsjdfghjf closely followed by the haunting of hill house

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

VERY very tough question!! they’re all my babies and i couldn’t possibly pick any fav- actually i have a few! but i’ll keep it to 3 special ones that funnily enough are far from being my most popular ones (pls read them i worked so so hard on them)

God's very simple and love shouldn't burn - aka my lottielee manifesto! 

If you rewrite your life, may I still play a part? - stranger things, nancy wheeler choose your own adventure fic!

my heart (is like a haunted house) - tog, andy falls in love with quynh’s ghost

tagging: @natscatorrcio @dufrau @eskawrites @scorchedhearth @sapphicscience @yee-hawlw @reesesfastbreak (if you want to! no pressure!) and pls pls anyone that sees this and wants to share say i tagged u!

[bitch-butter]

not to be weird or anything but "three hour long montage of men talking about Important Things in rooms" is so you. Like, I was nodding along because it made so much sense haha

What's your fav movies you had seen so far this year, and why?

w o o f that's hard because i feel like this year has been so slow to start movie-wise! i'm really happy it's summer now, because this is typically when all the movies i'm really excited for start opening, but things won't get really crazy until fall so a lot of the movies i've actively sought out this year have been horror lol so for my own piece of mind i'll back it up to Exactly a year to highlight some movies that i really, really responded to so it doesn't seem like i Just consume darkness lol

being really annoying about movies under the cut

oppenheimer (2023) - see prev Showing Ass post

reality (2023) - a Very scary movie that if you live in america you should watch, because not only is it told impeccably but it's actually shocking how few people actually remember Reality Winner given the fact that this story is only a few years old. sydney sweeney is incredible in this.

skinamarink (2022) - a Divisive horror movie that truly did get so much shit but the way it scared the hell out of me remembering being a kid left alone in a house with just a TV cannot be described.

renfield (2023) - me and my gf dressed as vampires to go to this movie, it was a laugh riot from beginning to end and nic cage deserves 77 awards, best dracula since gary oldman.

nope (2022) - 100% more scared of monkeys than i am of aliens, jordan peele call me to talk to me about our national fixation on spectacle and also Westerns.

tár (2022) - what a f u c k i n g movie this was, i saw it with my best friend on a visit to Omaha and we screamed the entire time. i love a Complicated film that wants to explore the intersections of bad people making good art, the gender studies major that still lives within me was losing it watching this movie.

pamela, a love story (2023) - this is your typical Netflix documentary, meaning there isn't a whole lot of New information that they give, but any opportunity given to us to reexamine a woman that was unfairly maligned i think is a very, very good opportunity. and pamela is a great writer, and seems like a very lovely (again, complicated) person, so i enjoyed getting to see her overcome some bullshit.

women talking (2022) - i really think i cried the entire movie when i first saw it, and i watched it again recently and did the same thing so i think it holds up. really excellent performances, even if its a very talky movie it also has a really potent atmosphere and it So effectively builds horror into hope by the end.

AND nothing compares (2022) - this is timely, because we lost shuhada sadaqat aka sinéad o'connor yesterday, and i was just recently thinking about this documentary and how much i loved it and how i should rewatch it. it's so sensitive to her, and takes her thoughts and feelings Seriously, and that made me very emotional to see as someone who remembers her being made into a fucking joke my entire childhood. it isn't a Perfect doc, but i value it very much, especially now.

really really pumped for: Dune Part II, The Last Voyage of the Demeter, Killers of the Flower Moon (funny story: this past weekend my best friend ran into lily gladstone at the grocery store and apparently she was So nice lol) and Barbie (seeing it this weekend for my birthday, very , very, very excited).

thank you for asking ~ 🖤

[nebulousfishgills]

flower asks!

white carnation, jasmine, azalea, bluebell, tigerlily, aster (lol), lavender, and/or freesia

Thanks for the ask! This one's a long one so buckle up.

White Carnation - Would you ever want to get a piercing? Where?

This may sound funny, but I have zero piercings (not even my ears) and I highly doubt I'll ever get any. It's just never appealed to me, idk. My grandma never pierced hers, she always wore clip-ons.

Jasmine - Describe your dream partner or best friend. What kind of personality traits do they have?

All my friends I would consider my "dream" friends (my irls and if we're friends on Tumblr you also count). As for dream partner... I mean, I'm not sure. I guess someone who's nice. They should be supportive of me and, to quote a thing my mom sent me, "the weird little things that make my heart happy." Someone who makes me excited to wake up in the morning and who would take me to the theatre once in a while. Someone who encourages me to be the best version of myself. Also someone who can take my darker sense of humor and keep me grounded when I inevitably become a whirlwind of undiagnosed adhd or whatever the fuck I have. Also some blue eyes, same as my mom blue eyes can make me absolutely weak.

That was a tangent, but I am a writer so-

Azalea - What is the most recent song you've listened to? How do you feel about it?

Okay this is gonna sound completely fucking unhinged, especially since it's so short, but last night I had Busted from Phineas and Ferb on repeat for like, three hours as I was doing a doodle because it came across my youtube feed and I realized it's like... exactly like a major scene I have planned for a fic, just without the musical swagger.

Cut to me fifteen minutes into this loop alone in my dorm room pretending I'm [Unnamed Character A] telling off [Unnamed Character B] for [Unnamed Event].

Bluebell - Do you have any pets? If so, what are their names?

I'm currently separated from them by "educational distance" but I have two kitties at home, a Tortie named Jackie and an Orange Boy Cat named Maggie (He has a more feminine name because PetSmart told us he was a girl when we adopted him since they *said* they did a spay operation... but then he had to get a surgery where they told us he was a boy... but by then Maggie had stuck and we'd already gone through three hours of arguing on what to name him in the first place).

Tigerlily - Do you have any favorite quotes from any movies, tv shows, books, or poetry? (Or from people in real life)

Y'all, I have a million favorite quotes from a million things. For now I'll give you one of each

Movie: "Ghosts are real. This much I know. There are things that tie them to a place, very much like they do us. Some remain tethered to a patch of land, a time and date, the spilling of blood, a terrible crime. But there are others-- others that hold onto an emotion, a drive, loss, revenge... Or love. Those-- They never go away." -Edith Cushing in my all time favorite movie, "Crimson Peak."

(I'm also like, 99% sure I'm being followed by a ghost or spirit of some sort so)

TV Show: I'm pretty sure me saying Henry's fifteen minute monologue in Stranger Things is cheating since that's, like, many many quotes, but I'll say it anyways because those fifteen minutes were life changing.

Book: I wish it was easier for me to find a quote, but unfortunately all my books are packed away for move-out in a couple weeks. My memory is eluding me so just pretend like I either said something really profound or something extremely stupid.

Play: "You're still beautiful." "You don't have to lie to me." "It's not lying, it's looking at things another way." From Wicked, my favorite musical (am I basic for that, maybe). Seeing this on Broadway last summer was a religious experience and I'm gonna have another one when I see it from the seventh row next year.

(I changed it to play because, fun fact, I don't read poetry that much. Another thing from my mom, she hates poetry... bear in mind this woman has a BA in English)

Real Life: "People are like 'you're weird' and I'm like 'yes, I've been waiting sixty years to get that compliment'" -my history professor. The man's said so much wild shit this semester I have an entire discord channel devoted to recording his quotes, dude's a legend.

Aster - Do you have any fictional crushes on any movie, tv show...

...

Okay I had a collage I made of every character I've had a crush on, lemme see if I can find it so I can be concise.

(One frantic search later)

It's not fully updated, so lemme just make one rq, every character I actively have a crush on (give or take one or two):

Moving on.

Lavender - What's currently on your mind (aside from the ask game)

How much of a degenerate I am.

No, but in reality, I have two packages I'm waiting for and I keep obsessively tracking them because I'm terrified they'll not get to me before my move-out date.

Freesia - What do you want people to remember you for? Serious or not serious answers.

I can say my writing in a serious and a not serious way. Remember me for my s tier descriptions and remember me for whatever the fuck this is:

[hoghtastic]

New Interview for Soundvenue — English translation:

ALEX HØGH ANDERSEN ON A GREAT INTERNATIONAL OPPORTUNITY: “IT’S A CLASSIC IMPOSTER SYNDROME!” Alex Høgh Andersen got through an ultra-narrow needle's eye before getting a role in the new film by Spanish master Pedro Almódovar starring Tilda Swinton and Julianne Moore. We spoke to the actor before the world premiere of 'The Room Next Door' at the Venice Film Festival at the start of next week.

VENICE FILM FESTIVAL. As a former lead actor in one of the world's most popular series in recent times, Alex Høgh Andersen is no novice when it comes to working on large international productions.

But still, it was something very special to get the chance in a film by none other than Pedro Almódovar. The man behind new classics such as 'Talk to Her', 'All About My Mother', 'Volver' and 'Pain and Glory'. The greatest Spanish director in recent times. One of the greatest auteurs in recent times.

Alex Høgh Andersen broke through internationally with 'Vikings', before he made a name for himself at home with roles in films such as Ole Bornedal's 'The Shadow in My Eye' and 'Nightwatch — Demons Are Forever'. Most recently, he has shown a new side of his talent as the creator of the comedy series 'Call Me Dad', where he also played the lead role.

But now abroad has pulled him in again with a prominent project to say the least. 'The Room Next Door' is Almódovar's first English-language film, it has Tilda Swinton and Julianne Moore in the two main roles, and it will have a glamorous world premiere at the Venice Film Festival at the beginning of next week.

A world premiere that Alex himself is not going to attend, which means that I [the interviewer], as a Venice broadcast, get to see the film before him.

"Of course I would have liked to have been on the sidelines, but it's Pedro and the two female stars' film, so it makes good sense that it's just them running the show," he says. FROM SUPERMAN TO ALMÓDOVAR 'The Room Next Door' is about the relationship between the mother and war correspondent Martha (Swinton) and the writer Ingrid (Moore). We still don't know much more about the film — apart from the fact that it has had a beautiful and atmospheric teaser — and Alex also has to keep his cards close to his body before it sees the light of day. He can tell that he's playing an American war veteran — but that's more or less it. On the other hand, he can tell how he landed the role. "It's rare that you get something like this if you don't know someone or have had a coffee together at a festival or something. But here it was in a very classic way, where I was given the opportunity to make a self-tape via my American agent. Those e-mails with opportunities for self-tapes tend to be pretty lame and identical, but then there are times when you get to cast in the next Superman movie, and you give it a shot, even if you know that's not going to happen", he begins. "And then there are other times when you think, 'Maybe this could make sense'. And when I was told that it was Pedro Almódovar's next, I thought that this is exciting enough." "So I shot the self-tape at home in the bedroom with the help of my girlfriend, and then I went on to something as mind-blowing as Zoom castings with the Spanish casting agency with a delay on the line, where I had to have ptsd and imagine a burning house. I then had two or three of them at intervals of a month and a half, and I kept going forward. I thought: What's going on?" HUGE CHALLENGE Why were you surprised? "Because I'm playing a full-blown American character. A war veteran who returns home from Vietnam with scars on his soul. They could just as easily have chosen an American actor, but they went with me, and I'm really proud of that, even though I almost feel like I've been tricked into an American role! So when we were recording, it was also just about no one having anything on me, I just had to drive that American completely fluently, without anyone being able to hear anything. Now we have to see if it has succeeded! But it was a huge challenge". Yeah, how did you go about nailing that American accent? "We had a dialect coach who was half American and half Spanish. He was so nice. And we talked a lot, but from the start he was very much like, 'we have to make small adjustments, but you're pretty much on target, Alex'. I was very surprised by that! But when the music plays and you're sitting in Madrid, and there are 300 people on set, and you have 1000 things to remember while the camera is rolling… the first thing that comes to mind is the adopted American accent. And I was well aware of that. So it was something about being extra up to speed".

I remember Nikolaj Coster-Waldau talking about how difficult it was for him to nail the American accent 100% correctly, even though he had lived in the US for many years… "Yes, I also felt far out in the deep water, but it was a classic fake it 'till you make it. But I haven't even done a post-sync on it. Not that it makes me calmer, quite the opposite! It's anxiety-provoking, as for good reasons I couldn't hear for myself whether the accent was 100% there, whereas I always have a sense of the quality of my acting when I work in Danish." "Fortunately, I was so privileged to be on a production with an auteur of that caliber, where there is time. It is the first time I have experienced that there is such a good time. Also time to be able to prepare the way we did. I spent more time preparing for the shoot than shooting. I pretty much spent all of February in Madrid being on standby and prepping and back and forth. If Pedro wants something, it happens. It was an insanely privileged experience to be on the sidelines."

SHIT NERVOUS

How was your first meeting with Almódovar? "I was fucking nervous. But it was also still during casting. There were two of us left and I was flown to Madrid. I talked to him a bit — about the weather, they apologized for the weather because it was a bit cold. But it was the first sun I had seen in four months in the middle of the Danish winter, so I thought it was delicious. We laughed a little at that." "But it was a crazy experience to enter his office. 10 years ago I studied his films at Film and Media Studies, and then I sit there and look at the pictures behind him with Penelope Cruz and Antonio Banderas, etc., next to some of his many awards."

How does he direct differently than what you've tried before? "It's just crazy to experience how much focus there is on the details. Nothing is left to chance. We recorded an hour north of New York in a very nice house from the 70s. The art department was ready with four different fabric samples, in four different shades of orange, which he must then choose for the curtain in the background of the scene." "They put a light on me for an hour, where I just sat by. Usually you use a stand-in, but I didn't want to, I just wanted to be there and see how they set up the lights and how their anthills roam and work together and make things happen. That's what I love most about my job, just absorbing. An hour's lighting alone on my closeup - I've never tried that before." THE VERDICT OF REAL AMERICANS

How did you feel about being in a movie with Julianne Moore and Tilda Swinton at the top of the poster? "The first time I went to work, there was an overview of the cast. Tilda Swinton and Julianne Moore were at the top, and I was number 4 or 5 on the list. There I thought: When will they find out that I cheated for the role? It was classic imposter syndrome!"

Do you hope this role can open new doors in your career? "I have thrown that hope away a long time ago. I know that everything possible comes into play that you have no control over. Like how an industry suddenly collapses when I come home from 'Vikings' and think, now I just have to get out of there, and then comes corona and the writer's strike and the Create Denmark conflict at home. So no, not that way." "My biggest hope is really just that some real Americans see the film and think, he's done just fine, that guy. And otherwise I'm just extremely happy to have had this experience. Who the hell am I to be allowed to go to New York to play smart!?"

'The Room Next Door' will have its Danish premiere on 31st October.

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

“Elliot Page doesn’t remember exactly how long he had been asking.

But he does remember the acute feeling of triumph when, around age 9, he was finally allowed to cut his hair short. “I felt like a boy,” Page says. “I wanted to be a boy. I would ask my mom if I could be someday.” Growing up in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Page visualized himself as a boy in imaginary games, freed from the discomfort of how other people saw him: as a girl. After the haircut, strangers finally started perceiving him the way he saw himself, and it felt both right and exciting.

The joy was short-lived. Months later, Page got his first break, landing a part as a daughter in a Canadian mining family in the TV movie Pit Pony. He wore a wig for the film, and when Pit Pony became a TV show, he grew his hair out again. “I became a professional actor at the age of 10,” Page says. And pursuing that passion came with a difficult compromise. “Of course I had to look a certain way.”

We are speaking in late February. It is the first interview Page, 34, has given since disclosing in December that he is transgender, in a heartfelt letter posted to Instagram, and he is crying before I have even uttered a question. “Sorry, I’m going to be emotional, but that’s cool, right?” he says, smiling through his tears.

It’s hard for him to talk about the days that led up to that disclosure. When I ask how he was feeling, he looks away, his neck exposed by a new short haircut. After a pause, he presses his hand to his heart and closes his eyes. “This feeling of true excitement and deep gratitude to have made it to this point in my life,” he says, “mixed with a lot of fear and anxiety.”

It’s not hard to understand why a trans person would be dealing with conflicting feelings in this moment. Increased social acceptance has led to more young people describing themselves as trans—1.8% of Gen Z compared with 0.2% of boomers, according to a recent Gallup poll—yet this has fueled conservatives who are stoking fears about a “transgender craze.” President Joe Biden has restored the right of transgender military members to serve openly, and in Hollywood, trans people have never had more meaningful time onscreen. Meanwhile, J.K. Rowling is leveraging her cultural capital to oppose transgender equality in the name of feminism, and lawmakers are arguing in the halls of Congress over the validity of gender identities. “Sex has become a political football in the culture wars,” says Chase Strangio, deputy director for transgender justice at the ACLU.

(Full article with photos continued under the “read more”)

And so Page—who charmed America as a precocious pregnant teenager in Juno, constructed dreamscapes in Inception and now stars in Netflix’s hit superhero show The Umbrella Academy, the third season of which he’s filming in Toronto—expected that his news would be met with both applause and vitriol. “What I was anticipating was a lot of support and love and a massive amount of hatred and transphobia,” says Page. “That’s essentially what happened.” What he did not anticipate was just how big this story would be. Page’s announcement, which made him one of the most famous out trans people in the world, started trending on Twitter in more than 20 countries. He gained more than 400,000 new followers on Instagram on that day alone. Thousands of articles were published. Likes and shares reached the millions. Right-wing podcasters readied their rhetoric about “women in men’s locker rooms.” Casting directors reached out to Page’s manager saying it would be an honor to cast Page in their next big movie.

So, it was a lot. Over the course of two conversations, Page will say that understanding himself in all the specifics remains a work in progress. Fathoming one’s gender, an identity innate and performed, personal and social, fixed and evolving, is complicated enough without being under a spotlight that never seems to turn off. But having arrived at a critical juncture, Page feels a deep sense of responsibility to share his truth. “Extremely influential people are spreading these myths and damaging rhetoric—every day you’re seeing our existence debated,” Page says. “Transgender people are so very real.”

That role in Pit Pony led to other productions and eventually, when Page was 16, to a film called Mouth to Mouth. Playing a young anarchist, Page had a chance to cut his hair again. This time, he shaved it off completely. The kids at his high school teased him, but in photos he has posted from that time on social media he looks at ease. Page’s head was still shaved when he mailed in an audition tape for the 2005 thriller Hard Candy. The people in charge of casting asked him to audition again in a wig. Soon, the hair was back.

Page’s tour de force performance in Hard Candy led, two years later, to Juno, a low-budget indie film that brought Page Oscar, BAFTA and Golden Globe nominations and sudden megafame. The actor, then 21, struggled with the stresses of that ascension. The endless primping, red carpets and magazine spreads were all agonizing reminders of the disconnect between how the world saw Page and who he knew himself to be. “I just never recognized myself,” Page says. “For a long time I could not even look at a photo of myself.” It was difficult to watch the movies too, especially ones in which he played more feminine roles.

Page loved making movies, but he also felt alienated by Hollywood and its standards. Alia Shawkat, a close friend and co-star in 2009’s Whip It,describes all the attention from Juno as scarring. “He had a really hard time with the press and expectations,” Shawkat says. “‘Put this on! And look this way! And this is sexy!’”

By the time he appeared in blockbusters like X-Men: The Last Stand and Inception, Page was suffering from depression, anxiety and panic attacks. He didn’t know, he says, “how to explain to people that even though [I was] an actor, just putting on a T-shirt cut for a woman would make me so unwell.” Shawkat recalls Page’s struggles with clothes. “I’d be like, ‘Hey, look at all these nice outfits you’re getting,’ and he would say, ‘It’s not me. It feels like a costume,’” she says. Page tried to convince himself that he was fine, that someone who was fortunate enough to have made it shouldn’t have complaints. But he felt exhausted by the work required to “just exist,” and thought more than once about quitting acting.

In 2014, Page came out as gay, despite feeling for years that “being out was impossible” given his career. (Gender identity and sexual orientation are, of course, distinct, but one queer identity can coexist with another.) In an emotional speech at a Human Rights Campaign conference, Page talked about being part of an industry “that places crushing standards” on actors and viewers alike. “There are pervasive stereotypes about masculinity and femininity that define how we’re all supposed to act, dress and speak,” Page went on. “And they serve no one.”

The actor started wearing suits on the red carpet. He found love, marrying choreographer Emma Portner in 2018. He asserted more agency in his career, producing his own films with LGBTQ leads like Freeheld and My Days of Mercy. And he made a masculine wardrobe a condition of taking roles. Yet the daily discord was becoming unbearable. “The difference in how I felt before coming out as gay to after was massive,” says Page. “But did the discomfort in my body ever go away? No, no, no, no.”

In part, it was the isolation forced by the pandemic that brought to a head Page’s wrestling with gender. (Page and Portner separated last summer, and the two divorced in early 2021. “We’ve remained close friends,” Page says.) “I had a lot of time on my own to really focus on things that I think, in so many ways, unconsciously, I was avoiding,” he says. He was inspired by trailblazing trans icons like Janet Mock and Laverne Cox, who found success in Hollywood while living authentically. Trans writers helped him understand his feelings; Page saw himself reflected in P. Carl’s memoir Becoming a Man. Eventually “shame and discomfort” gave way to revelation. “I was finally able to embrace being transgender,” Page says, “and letting myself fully become who I am.”

This led to a series of decisions. One was asking the world to call him by a different name, Elliot, which he says he’s always liked. Page has a tattoo that says E.P. PHONE HOME, a reference to a movie about a young boy with that name. “I loved E.T. when I was a kid and always wanted to look like the boys in the movies, right?” he says. The other decision was to use different pronouns—for the record, both he/him and they/them are fine. (When I ask if he has a preference on pronouns for the purposes of this story, Page says, “He/him is great.”)

A day before we first speak, Page will talk to his mom about this interview and she will tell him, “I’m just so proud of my son.” He grows emotional relating this and tries to explain that his mom, the daughter of a minister, who was born in the 1950s, was always trying to do what she thought was best for her child, even if that meant encouraging young Page to act like a girl. “She wants me to be who I am and supports me fully,” Page says. “It is a testament to how people really change.”

Another decision was to get top surgery. Page volunteers this information early in our conversation; at the time he posted his disclosure on Instagram, he was recovering in Toronto. Like many trans people, Page emphasizes being trans isn’t all about surgery. For some people, it’s unnecessary. For others, it’s unaffordable. For the wider world, the media’s focus on it has sensationalized transgender bodies, inviting invasive and inappropriate questions. But Page describes surgery as something that, for him, has made it possible to finally recognize himself when he looks in the mirror, providing catharsis he’s been waiting for since the “total hell” of puberty. “It has completely transformed my life,” he says. So much of his energy was spent on being uncomfortable in his body, he says. Now he has that energy back.

For the transgender community at large, visibility does not automatically lead to acceptance. Around the globe, transgender people deal disproportionately with violence and discrimination. Anti-trans hate crimes are on the rise in the U.K. along with increasingly transphobic rhetoric in newspapers and tabloids. In the U.S., in addition to the perennial challenges trans people face with issues like poverty and homelessness, a flurry of bills in state legislatures would make it a crime to provide transition-related medical care to trans youth. And crass old jokes are still in circulation. When Biden lifted the ban on open service for transgender troops, Saturday Night Live’s Michael Che did a bit on Weekend Update about the policy being called “don’t ask, don’t tuck.”

Page says coming out as trans was “selfish” on one level: “It’s for me. I want to live and be who I am.” But he also felt a moral imperative to do so, given the times. Human identity is complicated and mysterious, but politics insists on fitting everything into boxes. In today’s culture wars, simplistic beliefs about gender—e.g., chromosomes = destiny—are so widespread and so deep-seated that many people who hold those beliefs don’t feel compelled to consider whether they might be incomplete or prejudiced. On Feb. 24, after a passionate debate on legislation that would ban discrimination against LGBTQ people, Representative Marie Newman, an Illinois Democrat, proudly displayed the pride flag in support of her daughter, who is trans. Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene, a Georgia Republican, responded by hanging a poster outside her office that read: There are TWO genders: MALE & FEMALE.

The next day Dr. Rachel Levine, who stands to become the first openly transgender federal official confirmed by the Senate, endured a tirade from Senator Rand Paul about “genital mutilation” during her confirmation hearing. My second conversation with Page happens shortly after this. He brings it up almost immediately, and seems both heartbroken and determined. He wants to emphasize that top surgery, for him, was “not only life-changing but lifesaving.” He implores people to educate themselves about trans lives, to learn how crucial medical care can be, to understand that lack of access to it is one of the many reasons that an estimated 41% of transgender people have attempted suicide, according to one survey.

Page has been in the political trenches for a while, having leaned into progressive activism after coming out as queer in 2014. For two seasons, he and best friend Ian Daniel filmed Gaycation, a Viceland series that explored LGBTQ culture around the world and, at one point, showed Page grilling Senator Ted Cruz at the Iowa State Fair about discrimination against queer people. In 2019, Page made a documentary called There’s Something in the Water, which explores environmental hardships experienced by communities of color in Nova Scotia, with $350,000 of his own money. That activism extends to his own industry: in 2017, he published a Facebook post that, among other things, accused director Brett Ratner of forcibly outing him as gay on the set of an X-Men movie. (A representative for Ratner did not respond to a request for comment.)

As a trans person who is white, wealthy and famous, Page has a unique kind of privilege, and with it an opportunity to advocate for those with less. According to the U.S. Trans Survey, a large-scale report from 2015, transgender people of color are more likely to experience unemployment, harassment by police and refusals of medical care. Nearly half of all Black respondents reported being denied equal treatment, verbally harassed and/or physically attacked in the past year. Trans people as a group fare much worse on such stats than the general population. “My privilege has allowed me to have resources to get through and to be where I am today,” Page says, “and of course I want to use that privilege and platform to help in the ways I can.”

Since his disclosure, Page has been mostly quiet on social media. One exception has been to tweet on behalf of the ACLU, which is in the midst of fighting anti-trans bills and laws around the country, including those that ban transgender girls and women from participating in sports. Mississippi Governor Tate Reeves says he will sign such a bill in the name of “protect[ing] young girls.” Page played competitive soccer and vividly recalls the agony of being told he would have to play on the girls’ team once he aged out of mixed-gender squads. After an appeal, Page was allowed to play with the boys for an additional year. Today, several bills list genitalia as a requirement for deciding who plays on which team. “I would have been in that position as a kid,” Page says. “It’s horrific.”

All this advocacy is unlikely to make life easier. “You can’t enter into certain spaces as a public trans person,” says the ACLU’s Strangio, “without being prepared to spend some percentage of your life being threatened and harassed.” Yet, while he seems overwhelmed at times, Page is also eager. Many of the political attacks on trans people—whether it is a mandate that bathroom use be determined by birth sex, a blanket ban on medical interventions for trans kids or the suggestion that trans men are simply wayward women beguiled by male privilege—carry the same subtext: that trans people are mistaken about who they are. “We know who we are,” Page says. “People cling to these firm ideas [about gender] because it makes people feel safe. But if we could just celebrate all the wonderful complexities of people, the world would be such a better place.”

Even if Page weren’t vocal, his public presence would communicate something powerful. That is in part because of what Paisley Currah, a professor of political science at Brooklyn College, calls “visibility gaps.” Historically, trans women have been more visible, in culture and in Hollywood, than trans men. There are many explanations: Our culture is obsessed with femininity. Men’s bodies are less policed and scrutinized. Patriarchal people tend to get more emotional about who is considered to be in the same category as their daughters. “And a lot of trans men don’t stand out as trans,” says Currah, who is a trans man himself. “I think we’ve taken up less of the public’s attention because masculinity is sort of the norm.”

During our interviews, Page will repeatedly refer to himself as a “transgender guy.” He also calls himself nonbinary and queer, but for him, transmasculinity is at the center of the conversation right now. “It’s a complicated journey,” he says, “and an ongoing process.”

While the visibility gap means that trans men have been spared some of the hate endured by trans women, it has also meant that people like Page have had fewer models. “There were no examples,” Page says of growing up in Halifax in the 1990s. There are many queer people who have felt “that how they feel deep inside isn’t a real thing because they never saw it reflected back to them,” says Tiq Milan, an activist, author and transgender man. Page offers a reflection: “They can see that and say, ‘You know what, that’s who I am too,’” Milan says. When there aren’t examples, he says, “people make monsters of us.”

For decades, that was something Hollywood did. As detailed in the 2020 Netflix documentary Disclosure, transgender people have been portrayed onscreen as villainous and deceitful, tragic subplots or the butt of jokes. In a sign of just how far the industry has come—spurred on by productions like Pose and trailblazers like Mock—Netflix offered to change the credits on The Umbrella Academy the same day that its star posted his statement on social media. Now when an episode ends, the first words viewers see are “Elliot Page.”

Today, there are many out trans and nonbinary actors, directors and producers. Storylines involving trans people are more common, more respectful. Sometimes that aspect of identity is even incidental, rather than the crux of a morality tale. And yet Hollywood can still seem a frightening place for LGBTQ people to come out. “It’s an industry that says, ‘Don’t do that,’” says director Silas Howard, who got his break on Amazon’s show Transparent, which made efforts to hire transgender crew members. “I wouldn’t have been hired if they didn’t have a trans initiative,” Howard says. “I’m always aware of that.”

So what will it mean for Page’s career? While Page has appeared in many projects, he also faced challenges landing female leads because he didn’t fit Hollywood’s narrow mold. Since Page’s Instagram post, his team is seeing more activity than they have in years. Many of the offers coming in—to direct, to produce, to act—are trans-related, but there are also some “dude roles.”

Downtime in quarantine helped Page accept his gender identity. “I was finally able to embrace being transgender,” he says.

Page was attracted to the role of Vanya in The Umbrella Academy because—in the first season, released in 2019—Vanya is crushed by self-loathing, believing herself to be the only ordinary sibling in an extraordinary family. The character can barely summon the courage to move through the world. “I related to how much Vanya was closed off,” Page says. Now on set filming the third season, co-workers have seen a change in the actor. “It seems like there’s a tremendous weight off his shoulders, a feeling of comfort,” says showrunner Steve Blackman. “There’s a lightness, a lot more smiling.” For Page, returning to set has been validating, if awkward at times. Yes, people accidentally use the wrong pronouns—“It’s going to be an adjustment,” Page says—but co-workers also see and acknowledge him.

The debate over whether cisgender people, who have repeatedly collected awards for playing trans characters, should continue to do so has largely been settled. However, trans actors have rarely been considered for cisgender parts. Whatever challenges might lie ahead, Page seems exuberant about playing a new spectrum of roles. “I’m really excited to act, now that I’m fully who I am, in this body,” Page says. “No matter the challenges and difficult moments of this, nothing amounts to getting to feel how I feel now.”

This includes having short hair again. During our interview, Page keeps rearranging strands on his forehead. It took a long time for him to return to the barber’s chair and ask to cut it short, but he got there. And how did that haircut feel?

Page tears up again, then smiles. “I just could not have enjoyed it more,” he says.”

[canwealwaysbe]

Anon, I screenshotted this instead of answering it directly to avoid it entering the Kev*son tag.

But to answer your question, no, not really! I feel like the writers were very very clear from the get go that Kevin committed to that relationship solely because she was pregnant. I was honestly shocked that people continued to feel confident in a kev*son endgame after he straight up couldn’t tell her he loved her. His “I love our family. I want to be a dad. I don’t want my kids to grow up in a broken home” was literal proof that he wasn’t in it for the right reasons. Additionally, a love that you have to grow into arguably isn’t a love at all. With that said, I share Kev*son shippers anger regarding the tossing aside of Madison’s love story. She deserved development and a genuine love story. She got Elijah thrown in and a baby that I’m convinced solely exists to just beat a dead horse that she and Kevin will never get back together.

As for the Sophie foreshadowing, I’ve felt it since the beginning. But man oh man I was 100% certain after the ep is season five when they had Kate directly compare Kophie and Kev*son and while he saw a future with Sophie (“Thats my ultimate dream, Sophie. you and me, until the very end.) he couldn’t form a vision with Madison. Kate knew it at this point too, that it was always going to be Sophie for her brother.

But a few of my favorite tidbits that pointed to a Kophie endgame:

1. Every single relationship Kevin has had throughout the series has been tied into Sophie. Her making appearances throughout every relationship struggle he had with other women was a tell tale sign that she was it for him.

2. During the Kophie-centric episode, they started with “Kevin, it’s the ending everyone wants and they’ll still never see it coming.”

3. Back in season 1 when Toby told Kevin to imagine the love of his life, and Kevin flew to Sophie. Given the TIU writers and their love for grand, romantic love stories. A love story spanning decades with two people who genuinely always go back to each other seemed to be a no brainer.

4. Literally just “You weren’t just a name on my list Sophie. You were THE name.”

5. People claim Kevin and Sophie don’t know each other now, only their past selves. To that I say, “you bite your nails when you’re nervous. I know you’re claustrophobic so I’m going to sit with you. You love exposed brick (I really do). I got the powdered donuts because I know you love them. Lava fries.”

6. Kevin: “Huh. Look at that. Even back then. After all this time.” (This was while he was engaged to Madison, by the way.

7. The parallel of them being each other’s person when losing a parent, the hardest battle. One can argue Sophie was that person 20 years ago, but Kevin was that for Sophie in present day when her mom died.

8. Her moms death. When Sophie said she wanted to be with someone who her mom knew (and vice versa, Jack knew Sophie was the love of Kevin’s life). Kevin at the gravesite saying he wanted one more shot with Sophie because “I’m finally ready now.”

9. Also with that scene, him saying “I never earned that ring. I wish I had another crack at it” and the TIU twitter posting the ring and saying “Did he earn it?” Last month Justin Hartley said Kevin’s love story is “earned”.

10. Last but not least, and the most recent foreshadowing and how I knew it would be Sophie in the end when the time came for Kate’s wedding to Phillip, the Princess Bride quote in Kevin’s speech. As we see the woman’s bra and clothes in Kevin’s dressing room, he’s quoting the Princess bride. The princess bride was Kevin and Sophie’s movie, and a direct throwback to the very first kophie scene in season one when Jack says “this whole party was for Sophie” because Kevin turned their birthday party into a TPB theme because it was her favorite movie.

Whew. I could keep going on but this has already gotten away from me. Anyways, I’m not surprised but definitely ecstatic about kophie endgame. We have waited SO LONG! Thank you for letting me get all my thoughts out in one post!

[celestialrry]

stood up

3.5k

hello everyone!!!! I've been awol for literally weeks because i had absolutely NO motivation to write but i finally finished this piece ˊᗜˋ so YAY. ALSOO thank you for following me, liking, and reblogging my pieces (it encourages me somuchsothankyouireallyappreciateit-- and remember reblogging really helps us writers :))) )  here’s a hug for all ur patience and feel free to send me asks or requests i love talking to you guys! ε(♡'-')з

summary: Harry keeps standing Y/N up. (request from @ballerinrry! thank u love)

warnings: cursing, mentions of alcohol and sex, angsty but with a happy ending cause for some reason i can never let them end on a bad note

Y/N was excited.

It had been a while since Harry had asked her to go on a date, it was always the other way around recently. She couldn’t blame him though, Y/N knew just how busy Harry always was, and it wasn’t like he was purposefully not asking her to go do things, he just had a lot on his plate.

That’s what she kept telling herself anyways. 

It’s what she told herself when it had been 2 weeks since they had even eaten a meal together, and given the fact that just a few months ago Harry had come back to London for a while, that was rare. So, Y/N asked him to grab lunch on a Saturday while they were lying in bed together, and when he agreed, but failed to show up, leaving Y/N sitting at the cafe, her lips morphed into a frown and her eyes not focusing on the phone in front of her, she told herself he was simply booked up with meetings and studio time and such. 

Thats what he told her when he got into bed that night to apologize for accidentally standing her up. She forgave him, of course, and suggested they could just get dinner the next week. He agreed, even walked around to his calander her to show her he was marking the date off in his calendar with a heart, her first initial, and 7:00 PM etched into the little box with red sharpie. 

So, the week passed with quick kisses of good mornings and good nights, and while Harry was gone Y/N had on a black dress she had been excited to wear for a while now, with those little mini silver heels and a coat strung over her shoulders as she sat on her couch waiting for Harry to swing by to pick her up. She shot him a text that simply asked “You otw? xx”

He was not.

It took about 30 minutes of waiting on their couch to realize he was standing her up, again. And it took until the next morning for Harry to see her text (his phone had been on do not disturb while he was at the studio and he ended up spending the night at Sarah and Mitch’s after a few beers), and for the guilt to seep through his veins. 

He apologized, again. And Y/N forgave him, again. 

Only until it got to the point where Y/N no longer remembered the amount of times Harry had stood her up, for being at the studio, or sleeping after a meeting, or simply just not paying attention to his phone, she knew there was a problem. 

Harry was fully aware of the problem too. He knew that this was no way to ever treat a partner, and if someone was doing this to him, he’d dump them— well, he’s never been one to end a relationship unless it was necessary, so that’s an exaggeration, but it’s the principle of the thing. 

Which is why when he got home one day around 11 PM, gave her a kiss to the forehead after she sat up in their bed to give him a hug, and a soft  “Can we talk?” escaped her lips, he knew he had to fix this. So he asked her if they could talk over dinner the next night, he just wanted to sleep but also wanted to fix things with his girl, asking her if she was free of course, before telling her he’s gonna make a reservation at that nice restaurant the two of them used to go to quite often, because “it’s been a while since I’ve taken my favorite girl out”.

A grin broke out on her face because he had asked her! And if Harry was planning it, there’s no way he’d cancel or stand her up. 

 So yeah, Y/N was excited.

She woke up that morning with a smile on her face, and something akin to a what she thinks a rainbow would feel like running through her veins. It had only been a few months since she’d last been on a date with her boyfriend of almost 2 years and a half in person, and she was going to make the most of it. Because after this date, things would change. They’d spend more time together again and it would be like this little bump (that neither had acknowledged) never happened.

Y/N did, well, everything to prepare. Took a long shower, shaved, put on that coconut lotion Harry likes— he tended to dig his face in her neck when he smelled it while holding her—, brushed her teeth more than 3 times, dug in her closet to find that one patterned soft purple dress she bought ages ago but never had a change to wear it, until now, put on those really cute heels Harry said he liked once (“Looks like something you’d wear on a runway pet, I love ‘em.”), and even styled her hair differently than normal.

He had told her he would swing by at 8 on the dot after the studio, and soon enough, it was 8, with no sign from the man who made the promise himself. Y/N thought maybe there was traffic, he was just running late, texted him a quick, “Can’t wait to see you!! xxx” and put her phone on the coffee table, waiting on their couch. 

8 turned to 9, 9 turned to 10, 10 turned to 11, and soon it was midnight. Y/N doesn’t think she’d ever felt more empty than how she felt then, walking to their shared room of a year, slipping off her heels and tossing them towards the closet, as well as pulling her dress over herself and letting it fall to the floor behind her, grabbing that one t-shirt she always wears when she needs comfort (which just happened to an extra 2018 Live on Tour shirt Harry had laying around that she snatched just 3 months into them dating), and flopping into bed.  

She couldn’t fall asleep, and instead spent her time curled up in their bedsheets, a steady flow of tears making their way down her blush covered cheeks.

。:°ஐ

Harry usually didn’t make mistakes.

Sure, he had his moments, grabbing the wrong coffee off the counter when his name was called at the cafe, forgetting to text Jeff that he actually couldn’t make it to a meeting that was scheduled in a few hours. Just little things, things that didn’t matter that much, and could always be fixed. He didn’t usually make mistakes that weren’t easy to fix. He just wasn’t that kind of guy.

Until, he was.

Harry loved Y/N. He loved having her around, loved spending time with her, loved loving on her, loved kissing her, loved touching her, loved the way she went about almost everything. He was so in love with her, that hurting her was out of the question. He never wanted to be the one to make her cry, make her bottom lip quiver before the tears rushed out like he’d seen many times before, due to movies, his songs (which as sadistic as it sounds was an ego builder to have someone so close to him so affected by the music he wrote), her school work, or even her friends that weren’t being so nice.

In fact, he was so in love with her, even being so afraid of commitment (it took him over a year of them dating to ask her to move in), all he wanted to do was blurt out those 4 dreaded words. “Will you marry me?” It was a bond for life, and he was terrified of that, but with Y/N all he wanted to do was spend the rest of his living days with her.

When Harry had come back from being in L.A. for so long and finally being in the same city as his girlfriend back at their home, all they did was spend time together. Every time he saw Y/N all he wanted to do was say those 4 words that he hadn’t even fully come to terms with himself. It was dangerous, and Harry’s self control when it came to Y/N was lacking, so he simply did was every normal person would do in his situation.

He stood her up. 

Many more times than he could count, and of course he felt like the shittiest person in the world— shittiest boyfriend in the world—but at least now she can’t possibly be under the impression that he wanted to marry her, which is what he wanted. Or thought he wanted, until Sarah called him up one day after he had stood Y/N up for dinner the night before and told him off. Told Harry just how fucking terrible he made Y/N feel, how unwanted she thought she was, how she felt like they were loosing their relationship, and Harry didn’t know what to do with himself. (Of course Y/N had sobbed to Sarah about it over the phone while she was drunk off the wine she opened 40 minutes after Harry said he would be there, so she really didn’t even remember the conversation).

And later that day Harry had come home, heard her wavering voice asking if they could talk, and decided in his head he would tell her how he felt, how sorry he was, and how he wanted to be with her forever and love her forever if she allowed him. He had a few expectations for their dinner, that Y/N would probably tell him how he’s made her feel, and Harry would apologize, tell her why he did it, explain he thought it was no excuse, then tell her he plans on marrying her (obviously not proposing just yet, but finally bringing up the conversation they had never had even though they were in a serious committed relationship) and they’d go back home, have the most amazing sex ever, and forget about the whole thing. 

What Harry didn’t expect was to get a call from Jeff around 5 asking him to come to the studio to fix few vocals, then end up nailing down 2 songs in one night, go to a bar with the band to celebrate, get drunk, then pass out at Mitch and Sarahs flat. 

But that’s what happened, according to Mitch, who woke Harry up the very next morning. 

“Good morning man, wakey wakey,” Mitch’s teasing tone echoed through Harry’s (what felt like full of vodka) brain as he groaned and squinted his eyes. “Why are you waking me up at this hour in the morning?” Harry asked drearily, sighing and simultaneously regretting last night as a whole because the last thing he wanted to do while hungover was be up before at least 9 AM.

“We’ve gotta go to meet with Jeff about tour in like a hour, H” Mitch stated .

At Mitch’s words Harry sat up on their couch, eyes wide in fear. “Wait mate, I thought tha’ meeting was on Wednesday.”

“It is Wednesday H, god how drunk did we let you get last night…” Mitch said, beginning to recount some of Harry’s antics the night before. Harry however, couldn’t hear a thing with the blood pumping through his ears. If today was Wednesday, that meant yesterday was Tuesday, and he went and got trashed at a bar with his friends Tuesday night when— when he was supposed to be on a date with Y/N, when he was supposed to confess his intentions, when he was supposed to apologize for standing her up over and over, yet instead he went and did it again.

Now this, this was a mistake.

“…H. H. Harry? Are you there?” Mitch’s voice came back into focus and Harry shook his head. “I- fuck, I was supposed to take Y/N out last night.” Harry said, his voice trembling.

‘I’m sure she’ll forgive you, it’s just one night.” Mitch tried to make Harry feel better. He knew Y/N was a very forgiving person, she would get over this in no time.

“No, she won’t. I-I’ve stood her up for the past month and a half, Mitch.”

At these words, Mitch stands straight up  making pained eye contact with Sarah in the kitchen who was overhearing most of this conversation with her eyes wide. She had no idea it was this bad. “Month and a half? I thought it was just that one time a few weeks ago, Harry what the hell is wrong with you?” Harry simply shook his head and didn’t reply. He had absolutely no idea how to make it up to her. “I-fuck, I don’t know Mitch!” Harry raised his voice. “I need to see her and apologize, now.” Harry said, standing up and rushing over to the front door and slipping on his shoes. 

“This meeting is mandatory Harry, as much as I want you to see her too, she’d probably still asleep, and I don’t think this can be solved in under an hour.” Mitch said calmly, already knowing Harry was close to walking out his door. Harry stayed silent for a moment, weighing the options. Either go apologize to his girlfriend, or prioritize himself over her again. 

“We can do it another day, I’m sorry, but I have to go see her, tell Jeff I feel sick.” And he walked out without another word.

。:°ஐ

The morning after Harry stood Y/N up again was brutal. 

She stayed up all night, replaying moments with Harry in her head, analyzing if he wanted to be there with her, wondering if maybe he felt like he had to stay with her out of pity. It was torture, and the pain seemed to turn into numbness as time went by, and eventually the sun came up, and she stayed in bed, her motivation lost.

A loud crash and “Fuck!” woke her up, swollen eyes fluttering open to the invasive noise. Y/N furrowed her brows, her mind connecting everything that happened yesterday and unfortunately reminding her of the unbearable pain she went through the night before. A groan escaped her lips as she sat up and flung her legs out of her bed sheets that had been flung off the bed in the middle of the night.  She began grumbling to herself as she made her way downstairs, ready to tell Harry off for making so much noise.

Her mouth stopped moving, and instead remained in limbo as her eyes met Harry’s. His mouth opened to speak, but his words were caught in his throat as he saw the state she was in. It was when her mouth pressed into a line that he could begin talking. “Y/N, baby, please I know you don’t wanna see me or talk t’me right now but I’m so fuckin’ sorry, love. So so sorry, it was an accident, I went t’ the studio to fix a few things then got hung up on the songs and by the time we went to celebrate I completely lost track of time, and I was too drunk to drive home so I crashed at Mitch’s.”

Her mouth fell open at his words. Everything was happening too fast. Hearing that he stood her up to drink at a fucking bar to celebrate himself, then coming home and accidentally knocking over a glass in their kitchen (which she put together was the crash earlier after seeing the shards of broken glass on the floor) frustrated her to no end. She couldn’t bring herself to look at him any longer, and Harry had stopped talking after realizing what he just admitted to her. Without another glance, instead of looking at Y/N’s tear stained face, all he saw was her back, walking up the stairs to their room. 

“Fuck,” He said to himself before following her up the pink stairs. “Y/N, love wait-please, I’m so sorry, I just need to talk to you, I need to explain myself, please.” He begged as she shut their bedroom door in his face, his voice turning into a desperate whine at the end. 

。:°ஐ

It’s been 3 days since then, and she hasn’t spoken to him. He would leave in the mornings, kissing her forehead and mumbling an “I love you” and telling her exactly what time he’d be home, before leaving and coming back on time to find an empty plate in the sink and her lying in their bed, whether it be reading, scrolling on her phone, or typing on her laptop. He would apologize many times, reaching his hand out for hers and she would simply situate herself in their bed and lay down, back turned to him. 

Harry just couldn’t take it anymore. 

It was when she had finally let him kiss her forehead goodnight that he decided to take his chance. “Y/N.” He spoke softly, with no response or anything to indicate she heard him. “Baby, can we please talk- or I’ll talk and you listen, I just- I really need to say some things.” 

She was still faced away from him when he leaned against their headboard and he decided to keep going. 

“I- um. I’m sure you know how sorry I am, but I really am- sorry I mean. Not just for tonight but for every other time I’ve stood you up. I’m so sorry for not showing you how much you matter to me, and how much the things you do matter to me.”

It was then that she slowly sat up next to him and looked at him, eyes begging him to continue. He blushed at her intense eye-contact that he had barely gotten over the past few days and took a breath, opting to look at his hands fidgeting in his lap.

“We’ve been together for 2 and almost a half years, which is the longest relationship I’ve been in, and it’s no excuse to treat you this way, but I had just been thinking about how things progress even further than now,” He coughs. “Which is marriage, and when I finally came home, all I wanted to do was ask you to marry me- I don’t- m’not proposing right now, I just- I got really scared because wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone is crazy to me,

I’ve never thought that way about anyone else until you, I didn’t even really want to get married before you, and I started to distance myself before I ended up telling you this, but obviously that blew up in my face.” He chuckled a bit, locking eyes with her unreadable ones for a moment and lifting a hand to run through his hair. “What I’m trying to say, is that I love you, so so much, and I plan on marrying you— obviously if you want to too, of course— and I’m so sorry for trying to make you think that I didn’t care about you anymore or love you any less, because it’s the complete opposite of that.”

His eyes were watery now, as he started down at his interlocked fingers, and his eyes widened when her hand was gently placed over his own. “Harry,” Y/N began. “Look at me, please.” 

His head lifted to see her facing him, her brows knitted and a small smile on her face. “I forgive you, okay? I could tell you were kind of scared of commitment when we first started dating, and I wish I could say your reason for standing me up is surprising but it’s not.” They both chuckled a bit at this. “I- I’m still upset at you, I need you to know that, because 2 months of thinking the love of your life is avoiding you doesn’t feel all too great, so you suck for that,” she said, planting a quick kiss to his cheek which quickly turned pink. “But Harry, even if you asked me to marry you a year ago I would have said yes. I love you, so much, and I plan on spending the rest of my life with you as well. I’m sorry for giving you the silent treatment, it was… unnecessary and immature. So, thank you for apologizing. I love you.” She confessed again.

“S’okay, I deserved it, and I love you too. Maybe even more. So um, we’re okay?” Harry asked, a hopeful smile on his face. 

She nodded with a smile and pulled him into a much needed hug and pulled away only for him to bring her into an even more needed kiss. “If you ever try to pull that shit again, I’m breaking up with you.” She laughed and he tackled her into the sheets hiding his face in her neck.

“Duly noted, love. Duly noted.”