#this took a reasonable amount of time to type considering its me :)

[skylertheminish]

Notch sneaks over to Carer on the couch, plopping down next to him and leaning his whole body against the human. He's looking at Carer with pleading eyes.

Looks like he wants attention.

And Protag was too busy playing with the smol knights.

Asking Protag to babysit Ceru and Arma was easily one of his best decisions that day. He had a mountain of paperwork digitally dumped on him. Sat in the sitting room with laptop, tea and various other smart devices at hand he started his slog.

As he went about his work he got pinged by some of his friends and was dragged into a vc. There was more news regarding a rumor that had been spreading among trainers. Sadly it was all hearsay and not enough evidence for anything official to be recorded.

"Why is it always sightings and potato videos with these things?" Carer huffed.

" I dunno" his friend replied. "The sooner Higher-ups allow someone to investigate the better. Last thing anyone needs is some kid being a hero".

"You say that when its been kids who've saved the planet a good few times" The unmistakable voice of Kate chimed with an accurate observation.

"That's another thing. Why is it always ki-Aie!" Carer squawked, surpised and caught off guard by the Ceruledge sitting down and resting on him. Struggling under the weight of the greater knight. Carer managed to shift his laptop out of the way so as to tend to Notch.

Whether it was an accident or by design, Carer fell for his pleading gaze.

"What ya wanting Notch? Wanting tae say hello to everyone?" He gestured to the laptop now sat precariously on the coffee table. A party of "hellos" and "awws" sounded from the device.

"Or are ya wanting pets? Is that what ya want lad, pets? Think you deserve them eh?" He smiled. Now confident Notch would permit him to do so or at the very least would tolerate pets. The greater knight did basically invite himself into Carer's personal space after all!

" I think ya do. Why? Cause you're a good lad! Thats why. And if anyone says otherwise they're lying." Carer chuckled as he gave Notch chin scritches. Likely a mistake as now there was a strong chance Notch would lean on his smaller human frame more.

And he cared not a jot.

"Ya've been nothing but nice to everyone else. Like the good and caring knight you are"

There wasn't a hope left that Carer would get any work done now.

[crookedkryptonitebeliever]

Hey Yves wanna see my wicked cool tattoo? 😏* pulls up my sleeve to show him a large bold ‘YVES’ tattoo’d on my forearm*

"Ah." Yves uttered softly as he bent down to inspect the ink work. But his eyes aren't focusing on the artist's skill, rather, the way your body reacts to something foreign invading it, like a tattoo. He took note of any redness, texture or anomalies on the artwork.

He already knew that you were about to get one, Yves was even flattered that out of all the words and quotes you considered, you preferred his name to be permanently a part of your body. He only wished that he could have been the one who worked with the tattoo gun, that way, he could obtain more data regarding your skin and flesh. Moreover, this was one of the few rare instances where he could (begrudgingly) further study your behavior towards pain while allowing himself to directly inflict it onto you.

Yves would have taken in all the reactions, micro or macro, while enduring the needles too, but alas, he has to rely on pixels from the hidden cameras and microphones. It's definitely better than nothing, but there was just so much wasted information without him being physically present there, up close and personal.

You weren't sure if Yves liked it. He's staring at it blankly while gently tracing the pads of his fingers against your bare skin. It felt tingly.

"I'm flattered." He smiled. Yves knew you got this just to see how he would react, not necessarily because you wanted to be branded with his name. It's plain. Yves looked back up to you.

"What do you think about it?" He asked, somewhat catching you off guard. So you started to explain, fumbling over your words but pointing out the obvious: you wouldn't have gotten it if you didn't like it.

He hummed in response. Caressing your forearm tenderly as you watched him with anticipation.

Maybe you expected him to freak out, Yves seemed like the type of person to be discouraging permanent body modifications. You thought he would disapprove of it, at least to a certain degree.

But you're unsure what to make of his attitude, he's ominously vague about it. So you decided to ask him directly about what he thinks, straight to the point and no fluff.

Your direct question was met with a loving kiss on the forehead.

"You're adorable." He murmured. Cuddling you against him. Instinctually, you wrapped your arms around his torso while he went on to run his manicured fingers through your hair.

"What else can you tell me about it?" He whispered while holding you close.

You stuttered, you didn't know how to answer that. So you hesitantly told Yves you have nothing else to say.

He stayed silent and continued with his affectionate touches. Somehow, you felt uncomfortable not saying more, so you began grasping at straws. Telling him about how you love him so much, and you wanted to have his name on you for some reason.

You elaborated more than you needed to, somewhat cringing at yourself the deeper you fall into this chatty spiral. But you kept on going because it increased your unease when you stop talking.

While you're distracted and sounding like a broken record, Yves took the opportunity to usher you to the living room sofa. He rummaged through your bag, which is a normal occurrence on its own, so you never stopped to question why he is going through your belongings hourly.

He pulled out a tube of tattoo aftercare ointment that was given to you by the parlor, unscrewed it open and dispensed a pea sized amount of cream onto his fingertips.

Yves wordlessly urged you to continue blabbering by body language alone, showing that he is very interested in what you have to say and subconsciously encouraging you to overshare as usual.

He applied the cream onto your tattoo, alleviating it of any itchiness or soreness. The entire time, latching onto every word you said and permanently etching them into the sulci his brain.

It didn't even register in your mind that Yves knew how to care for a fresh tattoo despite not having one himself. You didn't realize how he automatically knew what to do, where to find it and what to use, as if he was there when the tattoo artist had explained it to you.

You simply accepted that Yves knew what was good for you and allowed him to act accordingly without your explicit permission.

You accepted that Yves will take care of everything.

[swarmishstrangers]

Can we get a jealous mallek x reader pls i love him sm 😭😭

So so SO sorry for how utterly long this has taking me. Hopefully the fact that this has inspired an entire ass multichapter book makes up for it :]

I want to preface this though by saying I didn't exactlyyy follow the request to a T. This has kinda just veered off into something a little different entirely and my explanation as to why is this. I found it actually kind of difficult to write Mallek being jealous. I say it was diffcult to me because personally?? I just don't really see him as a jealous type. Unless you were to go out of your way to try and make him jealous (bad idea considering he'd trust you considerably less and would think it's fucked up of you to try and do) then I just don't see it. He trusts his partner!

So! I took the request into an entirely different direction in the form of. Maybe Mallek trying to avenge you in a way. In what way? How about a story where Zebruh spams the hell out of you. It leaves you overwhelmed and emotionally in shambles simply from the amount and Mallek, seeing this, concocts a plan to get back at him for you?

I hope even if I didn't follow the request completely that you still enjoy the first chapter and the chapters to come!

-

Chapter 1: The Development

On Earth, there are a plethora of ways one can wake up. The sounds of birds chirping, the sounds of people you live with already being up and about the house, maybe the sun peeking its way through the blinds. You sort of miss those days. Both because you miss the days when you can be in the sun without fear and also because it reminds you that you’re not there when you wake up.

Your eyes struggle to open and stay open. Your vision is blurry, and your eyes are still irritated by the musty air and the sleep still present in your eyes. You’re reminded some more as you slowly lift your head off of the part of the blanket you had bunched up, that you aren't and probably never will be back on Earth. You're on Alternia now. And mornings, replaced with nights, are different. Your gaze lifts, specifically to the window. You may not have the sunlight waking you up these days, but these nights, it’s replaced with the glow of the two moons. It's still what would be early, the moon's on Alternia's horizon.

You debate on it, venturing out or staying in and sleeping some more before you get the night started. Cause God damnit sleep is hard to come by these days. At least a full day's rest is. When was the last time you got to sleep for a full day on Alternia?

That seemed to be good enough reasoning to go for the ladder option. You settle yourself back down again, balling the soft blankets in your fist and bringing them to you as you usually did to make up for your lack of pillows. Plus your bed is still warm. Who in their right mind could refuse? But before you could reallyyy get comfortable, a loud buzz sounded and lightly vibrated on the floor somewhere around your head; a flash of light followed briefly before quieting.

You give it a minute. Nothing else is heard. Slowly, you wiggle yourself to get comfortable and close your eyes again, not thinking much of it. There are many possibilities it could be. Notifications from Chittr, a message from one of your many friends, or something even as small as an app notifica-

Another buzz followed by light. God damn it.

You rise from the blankets in defeat. You could at least check it out before you decide to message back..it shouldn't be anything too serious, if not, you could leave the message unopened and go back to sleep.

You turn the palm husk on, your eyes stinging from the light, so, you squint to read what pops up...

Read the rest of the Chittr Hijack chapter here!

[andydrysdalerogers]

The Type You Save ~ S E V E N T E E N

James "Bucky" Barnes and OFC Alexandra "Alex" Richards

Detective James Barnes hasn't seen the love of his life in three years. Since the night she was almost caught stealing a painting. He knows it was her and she disappeared leaving him confused and heart broken.

Alexandra Richards never expected to be pulled back into her old life two years after she left it. She had found love and a home and was happy. Until a note blackmailed her to take one last job. Three years later she walked into the last person she expected to see in San Francisco. Because he lived in New York right?

They always put family before everything. And he would do anything to get his family back. Because she's the type you save.

TW: mob, death, smut, rape intentions, angst, guns, family abandonment, dub-con, manipulation

A/N: because of the Valentine one shot I'm posting tomorrow, I'm posting the final chapter of The Type You Save today. It has been fun writing a different hero this time.

I do NOT give permission for my work to be translated or reposted on here or any other site, even if you give me credit. DO NOT REPOST MY FICS. Reblogs, comments, likes, and feedback ALWAYS appreciated

Divider by @firefly-graphics

Previous: S I X T E E N

Series Masterlist ~ Main Masterlist

Alex stood on the grass in San Francisco, her black dress swaying in the cold wind, a storm coming in.  She sighed as she watched the casket being lowered into the ground. She tightens her grip on James’s hand as he held Drew on his other side.  

“I’m glad I was able to do this for him.”  

“Me too doll.  You ok?” 

“Its just hard.  I thought…” 

“I know Allie. But its closure.”  

She could barely listen to the prayer, her mind whirling from everything that had happened.  After everything had settle, Zemo sang like a bird.  He explained how he got involved with Grey, the threat Grey had on his family.  Grey made it seem like all he wanted was to take Alex, not explaining that he was going to kidnap Drew a week or so after his plan to break her.  

The police found Grey’s will and a letter for Alex.  Alex took a moment a couple of days after her rescue to read it.  

Alexandra,   If you are reading this, it means that I have die, probably at your hand.  That’s hard to write, considering the amount of love I have for you.   If you haven’t discovered yet, let me explain some truths.   When I first saw you, you were the most beautiful creature I had ever seen.  I wanted you from that moment on.  But your brother refused. I tried to persuade Simon, reason with him. Unfortunately, that didn’t work out.  We buried him close to the house in Boston. I hope that brings you a little peace.   As for your parents, they threaten to harm you as they blamed you for your brother’s disappearance.  I had them change their will to leave me as their benefactor before they were killed.  I wanted to keep your inheritance safe.   I left everything to you, my pet, my queen. My hope is that this letter is unnecessary, but I wanted to be sure you were taken care of, should anything happen.   I love you so much Alexandra.    Yours,   Christian.   

Alex sobbed at the letter with James holding her as she wept.  Her entire adult life before James was built on a web of lies.  When she got confirmation of his location, she had her brother reburied.  The toll of the bell snapped Alex back to the present.  

The father completed his blessing over the casket.  “We celebrate your life Simon Richards, a lost soul that has been found and now taken to the Lord. Amen.”  

They all murmured a reply and then came to give Alex their condolences. After everyone left, Alex turned to James.  “I want to see him, Jamie.”  

James sighed, “Allie, I…” 

“I need to see him.  He did this for me.  It’s the least I can do.”  

James adjusted a sleeping Drew on his arm.  “Ok, ok.  Let me make a few calls.”  

A couple of hours later, Allie sat beside a hospital bed.  Its occupant was asleep.  She took his hand and his eyes fluttered open.  

“Hey Allie Cat.”   

Nate’s face was still pale and his movements slow but there he was three weeks after being shot.  

She reached over to press a kiss to his forehead.  “Hey Nate.  How are you feeling?”  

“Tired.”   

“Getting shot will do that.” She gave him a soft smile. “What have the doctors said?” 

“Recovery is going well. Docs say I just have to be patient to get stronger.”  

“That’s good.” She rubbed her thumb over his knuckles.  “We had the funeral today.”  

Nate could see the pain in her eyes.  “I’m sorry I couldn’t be there. I’m just glad I was able to give you that.  I’m sorry I hadn’t told you sooner.”  

“Its ok. I probably wouldn’t have believed you then.”  She looked away to blink her tears away.  “How is your case looking?” 

He chuckled.  “Since I help saved two cops and a witness, its looking like I’ll be able to plea to a lesser charge. Maybe a year.”  

“That’s good. Steve, James and I are ready to testify for you.”  

“Thanks Alex.  I should rest. I have physical therapy in a couple of hours.”  

“Ok.  I’ll be back again now that I can get to see you.”  She hugged him gently and went to the door.  “Open on bay 7.”  There was a buzz and a click before the door slid open.  She glanced back at Nate with a smile and went through the door.  

James was sitting in the visitor’s lounge, checking his email when Alex walked in.  “Hey Allie.  How is he?” 

“He’s good.  Still kinda pale and slow but he says he feels stronger.”  She popped a shoulder.  “Ready?” She held out her hand.  

He took and tugged her to him, her back to his front, hugging her, breathing her in. Something he doesn’t take for granted anymore. “Ready, doll.  Steve called and said Drew asked if they could go to the park.  I said ok. Wanted some time with my doll.”  He placed a kiss on her neck.  

“Jamie, we are in the hospital,” she moaned quietly as he continued with his gentle assault.  

“I’ve missed you, Allie.  My perfect little doll.”  

She melted right there. “Ok, ok, get me outta here Detective.”  

“Its Sargent and you know it.”  

“You’ll always be my Detective.” She spun in his arms and looked into his stormy blues. “Take me to bed Jamie.”  

“Oh Allie,” James moaned. He kissed her hard before releasing her, taking her hand and guiding her out of the hospital.  The drive was laced with anticipation, the air heavy with lust from the couple.  They hadn’t been intimate, since before, with Alex dealing with the emotions of her past coming to light and Drew being attached to his parents in fear of never seeing them again.  James held onto Alex’s hand, his thumb moving over her knuckles, the sensation like bolts of lightening to her core.  

“Lightening touches,” she whispered.  

“What was that?” 

“Lightening touches,” she said a little louder.  “Before all of this, your touch always gave me the feeling like lightening through my skin.”  

James smiled.  “I remember. I believe it was the same night we conceived Drew.”  His smile grew wider. “That was a great night.”  

“It was.” Alex brought his knuckled to kiss. “I’m sorry I’ve been distant.”  

“Don’t be doll. I understand.  We’ve all been through a lot.” They made it back to their apartment.  It was eerily still.  Alex looked around as James pulled her to their bedroom.  “Tell me what you need baby.”  He sat on the edge of the bed as Alex settle between his legs.  

“I need you,” she whispered.  

“You have me, doll.” James began to kiss around the hem of her blouse.  He motioned for it to be taken off and Alex swiftly pulled it off.  “So beautiful.  My Allie,” he whispered in between kisses.  

She ran her hand through his hair.  “My Jamie.  I love you.”  

“I love you too, doll.” He stood up and lifted her into his arms.  She wrapped her legs around him as he flipped them around and he laid her on the bed. “Let’s make a baby.”  

“Now?” 

“Now.  No more threats, no more secrets.  Its just us now doll. James and Alexandra. Bucky and Alex, Jamie and Allie.”  

“Never called you Bucky. But Bucky and Alex works.  Just like mommy and daddy.” She ran her fingertips over his chin. “I love you.”  

“Oh doll.  I love you.” Soon all their clothes were gone and James was hovering over his wife. He stared deep into her eyes as he rubbed his tip through her folds.  “So wet doll.  Almost as if you were excited to make me a daddy again.”  

“Jamie, don’t tease,” Alex whined.  “I need you.”  

He grinned as he sank into her, stretching her slow.  He watched as her head tilted back and her eyes rolled back. “Feel good?” 

“So good baby but you have to move,” she moaned.  James started on a steady pace, not really using force, just letting her feel good. “Oh god, Jamie,” she cried.  

“Yeah Allie.” James flipped them so she was on top.  She swiveled her hips and he groaned.  “Just like that doll.”  She bounced on him, feeling all of him. He could feel her starting to tighten.  “You close baby?” 

“So close.  You feel so good inside me.” He grasped her hips tighter, pulling her down harder onto him. “Gonna cum.”  

“Do it, love.  All over me Allie.” James grunted at the force, wanting to be closer to her.  He flipped them again and moved his hips hard. She gave a silent scream as she tightened around him.  “Ah fuck!” He let go as well, moving slower, working them through.  

They laid there a moment, the cloud of bliss still over them. The memories of lost love, love found, and love made flooded them.  James held his girl, thankful that she wasn’t lost.  She was saved.  

F I V E  Y E A R S  L A T E R 

“Andrew! Delilah! Its dinner time!” Alex called out to her children. She felt something around her ankles and looked down to see their white kitten, Alpine, twisting herself around her.  “Yes, Al, dinner for you too.”  Her children raced in, their German shepherd, Brooklyn, racing after them.  “Wash your hands!” She turned back out the door.  “Bucky! Steve! Dinner!” 

James and Steve trudged in, still arguing on the best way to fix the bike.  “I’m telling you it’s the exhaust,” Steve argued.  

“Whatever punk, the pop noises are from the clutch, guaranteed.” James wiped his hands off and went to Alex.  “Hey momma, how are you?” 

“Tired but good.” His hand rested on the small bump on her belly, and she placed her hand over his. “Still too early to feel them, love.”  

“Can’t wait to meet them love.  Its everything we ever dreamed of.”  

“It’s more Jamie.  It’s so much more.”  

James and Alexandra. Bucky and Alex. Jamie and Allie.  

Family over everything.  

*~* The End *~* 

@patzammit

@texmexdarling

@slutforchrisjamalevans

@firephotogrl74

@tinkerbelle67

@before-we-get-started

@bunnyforhim

@alexakeyloveloki

@sunnyhummingbee

@peaceinourtime82

@lokislady82

@saucy-sassy-sparkly

@kmc1989

@kandis-mom

[riewritten]

what do you think Erwin considers himself that he sucks at but at the same time he enjoys doing it? suddenly i thought of tiktoks that are like "having a hobby you're bad at is okay". do you have any hobbies you consider yourself not good at too?

tbh i think the "bad" and "good" stuffs are all social constructs, but i'm still struggling with crocheting just bc i think i suck but at the same time i know that's something i do for relax. still sometimes i can't afford to think that way??? do you have the same problem and have you overcome it? i have no idea if this is a prompt or just me asking you stuffs.

do you often project what you're thinking into your writing and visual arts and any other form of art?

oh my god this is getting nowhere 🥲🥲 thank you for reading Rie. have a good day!!!

THE BEST BIRTHDAY

ERWIN SMITH X GEN NEUTRAL!READER

TAGS: fluff, slice of life, kissing, comfort, office romance AU, idiots in love, insecurities, and AAAA HAPPEE BIRTHDAY ERWIN (this also goes with my most recent ask)

WORDS: 2.9k

hi @frenchdyer ❤ i know i took this long bc i've been thinking about this. like the otherworldly self-reflectio i only tend to have once in a year or whenever i'm PMS-ing lol. how's your crocheting? were you able to improve somehow months after you had sent me this msg? my sister gifted me a crochet kit, so i've been planning to learn, too!

on a personal note, the hobby i suck at but enjoy doing nonetheless is drawing! perhaps it's a self-esteem issue, but i've been drawing since i was 5. the passion came to me even before i learned how to write! due to the amount of years i've been trying to master it only to have minimal progress, i can say drawing is smth i can never admit i'm good at. but i came to terms to it now (when i was in highschool i was so insecure about it lol) and bc i did, i draw things to enjoy, not bc i'm utterly pressured to improve!

On the surface, even his closest friends would have a different time answering this question. It's Erwin we're talking about, after all! The literal embodiment of academic perfection and charisma!

Erwin also wants to think of something other than an answer. Although he admits his flaws well when someone points them out, he wants to be good at everything as much as possible. For a perfectionist like him, self-admittance would mean giving up!

It is until you said something that made him recnsider. "Sometimes, I don't see you as a human."

In hindsight, the context of your question was, "What do you want to have for your birthday?" but Erwin seems to be the type to already have the things he'd want and need in life, perhaps if one were to speak materially. Every gift he'd receive would only impact him a little, and you want to change that.

He chuckles at the remark, amused as your features remain serious, "Do I feel like an alien?"

"Dunno," you shrug without turning up at him—only at the papers, hiding a frustrated blush. "And if you're actually a slimy organism underneath? It scares me."

You hear the office chair sliding towards you, and as swift as ever, Erwin's hand is on top of yours. He squeezes it gently, and you try to hold your fluster by glaring at him. Luckily. Only the two of you are in the office; what would the others say if they saw this? You and Erwin made it clear to keep your relationship hidden by acting 'decent' in public places.

He lets you feel its warmth first, although unsure of the reason why, then he guides your hand towards his cheeks. He presses your palm on it. 

"W-what?"

Erwin casually leans his cheek to your palms, albeit with a tranquil expression contrary to you, perhaps amusingly watching your reaction. "Mind repeating what you said earlier?"

"I said underneath. Hypothetically. And I don't mean it literally as well."

"Underneath? Well, that's quite a unique way of asking me to—"

You swatted your hand away and lightly hit his chest as you couldn't hold the fluster. "Stop playing with me. I'm not done yet."

"Well, I'm done."

"Please don't make it my problem."

"I'm actually offering to help."

You perk up in glee. If Erwin's to help, then you might as well consider yourself done. You pulled your chair away from your desk so Erwin could look at it.

However, Erwin asks something completely unrelated amidst the heap of your paperwork. "Why do you not see me as a human?"

"You feel like some sort of god."

"Silly, that's a metaphor that would fit you more."

"Oh, you. Stop flustering me." you huff in sarcasm. "You know about the crocheted scarf I was planning to give you before winter ends?"

"Yeah, and it's summer already. I'm still waiting for it, though."

"I threw it away."

"Huh?" Erwin looks at you in surprise, eyebrows twitched in confusion, perhaps in a whine. He knows you've been trying so hard for it. "Why would you?"

"I'm not good at it."

"But you were enjoying it. You told me so."

"Not because I enjoy it means I'm good at it," you then smile in defeat. "Let's just say I'm not as fast at learning as you are, no matter how much the task interests me. Maybe that's why I sometimes can't deem you human, too. Too good for me, I think."

Erwin could only observe you afterward. You don't try to make it a big issue, none but admittance that unpretentiously comes out of your mouth. As much as it is, perhaps, concerning self-esteem, Erwin is the one hit by it. The way you could admit your flaws a bit too easily and go home without pondering on it is something he couldn't easily do even if he tried. It takes one to help overcome an insecurity and another to admit his own.

"That's not true."

"It is. You really excel at everything, Erwin. That's something I also yearn to have for myself. You don't have flaws. Or, well, let's say you have one, but no normal being can see it so easily."

Well, you were able to lay down his flaws then and there. After all, he's having difficulty coming to terms with his flaws—or perhaps, on saying such admittances out loud. You are right. As much as Erwin demands you to open yourself up to him, some facets stay unsaid because he opts to and wants to remain an ideal image, perhaps one who can only admit his inadequacy if someone points it out. You're the complete opposite, though. You could admit your flaws and still end the day happily. The 'incompatibility', or so you might call it, could be giving him a hard time consoling you.

Oh, and when he recently enjoys consoling you the most. He really appreciates having you open up to him, enjoys the privilege of being able to take care of you as you let him, enjoys listening to your blabbers, and offers resolutions just like the strategic man he is. After all, he's one of the few people who sees that.

Only if he doesn't suck doing it.

"Oh no, did I say something that upset you?" you ask worriedly, sensing his silence.

And he's not the one to be given comfort right now, or so he thinks. It's as if you hit a nail, albeit unaware of how and where it hit him.

Just as if closing the distance is the needed nudge, Erwin pulls your figure towards him, holds both cheeks and surrenders to sweet kisses. Erwin's lips are warm, and the pace is languid. Yet, it's overwhelming enough to deprive you of your senses, let alone the urgent question of why he is suddenly acting the way he is. This might be the first time he got intimate with you inside the workplace. You know this type of kiss from him, too—he does it whenever he's dreary or after working on a significant research paper that got him weary.

The worry reverberates, and thus, you withdraw from the kiss, "Is this because of the scarf? I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have thrown it away. Don't worry, I'll make another one and—hmph!"

He cuts you off for another kiss, harsher this time, perhaps classified as a silent sulk for cutting off the lovely exchange, but no—you're wrong. It's not on you at all. Erwin is frustrated with himself. He holds onto your waist until you're seated on his lap and wraps his hand around your neck to press you further to his chest—hoping it would compensate for the distance you two have due to his inadequacies. To be great in giving you solace is to be vulnerable and imperfect; how could he do that?

He withdraws when both of you need air, albeit begrudgingly, "I'm sorry, Erwin. I know you waited for that scarf."

"No, it's not about that."

"Then what?"

He pretended to ponder for a few seconds, eyes roaming the room to gather his words. He pursed his lips before pointing out, "Don't you think the way you perceive me as a human far beyond you is a flaw I might have? Partners are not supposed to see each other that way."

"I'm merely exaggerating."

"Yes, but still."

"Are you saying you must apologize to me because you're such a perfect being?"

"No, because I'm failing to show you that I'm not."

Oh. 

You finally see where he's coming from. "Are you failing by choice?"

He averts his gaze away, "Yes."

"Then it can really be a flaw," you flash him a sympathetic smile, moving his face so he'd see you in the eyes again, "can you tell me why?"

“I'm not brave enough to show it the way other people do."

"You just did, honey."

"Not because I want to, but because I'm insecure about my inability to console you like a normal partner would. The way you perceive me right now says a lot about our distance. And mind you, doing this isn't even supposed to be this hard."

Both of you stopped. That is by far the most vulnerable thing he had said about himself since you started dating months ago—and it wouldn't even sound vulnerable unless it came out of Erwin's mouth. That's how hard he's been all this time.

He expects you to be annoyed. After all, that might be one of the shallowest reasons he had ever given, too.

But then you smile as if you appreciate him for saying that much—just as if you know it takes a lot for the Erwin Smith to admit something like that, "It's not something you can unlearn overnight. Do not fret."

He lets out a defeated chuckle, "That I know well."

"What's strange is that I'm not your first partner. How come this didn't become a problem with your previous ones?"

"Because people are content to perceive me that way. At some point, I preferred that, too. Honestly—" he leans his head on your shoulder, hands on your waist to keep your balance on his lap, "had it not affected the way I console you, I would prefer things to stay that way."

You pepper him with kisses all over his face, something he accepts as a reward, "Honestly, I would prefer you this way, too. A relationship with a god can be a bit of a struggle, after all."

"Indeed it is. What a struggle I have right now."

You glare at him, "What do you mean by that?"

He shakes his head nothing, hands lurking inside your shirt to feel you more, to shower you with reverence, "Let me finish this now. I miss our bed."

Today is his birthday, and you still need to think of a gift that could be deemed special.

As a last-minute reflection before giving up the gift that has been frustrating you for days, you try to ponder on the previous days since he opened up.

Erwin has become more talkative since then. He's always been chatty towards you since you started the relationship, especially when info dumping. However, this has a stark difference. He's trying too much as if matching an expectation no one but him had set up. Wording it as "forced" would perhaps hurt, but it's not something you could deny, either. Only when afternoon came did you realize how to fix it, with Erwin on a couch and crochet yarns on his lap. He has his phone at the coffee table and the familiar tutor video playing in the background. Eventually he sighs, unties the yarn, and repeats—this time with much precision, and you couldn't help but smile. When Erwin is about to learn something new, he locks himself in his office and spends the whole day studying it alone. Only now did you finally unravel why, and it's apparently part of his mentioned flaw that night.

He might be forcing himself lately, but it's the adjustment that counts.

Erwin perks up in surprise when you sit beside him and hold his hand. You guide his fingers into the correct way of tying the knot. You didn't say anything, and maybe you even tried to act like it's an everyday routine. Erwin pretends to listen and pick up the techniques you're blabbering, but in reality, he's just looking at your face. His lips are flat but twitching as he's trying to hold the urge to steal a kiss. He tries to inhale longer to indulge in the scent of your hair but not too much to call your attention. And as the moment passes, thirty minutes, perhaps because the video's finally done playing in the background, Erwin realizes something.

Just… just what held him back from being like this towards you? This is, in fact, a short step. The bare minimum, even. And even so, it felt genuinely liberating. Indeed, he's been forcing himself to be vulnerable recently, but this is the first time it exuded a positive feeling. 

Your hands gently stop, the instruction's done, and Erwin only realizes when you turn to look him in the eye, "You get it?"

"The what?"

"Huh?"

"Oh," Erwin tries to recall what his blank, sappy head might have digested so far, only to no avail. The only thing coming up in his mind right now is the smell of your shampoo. Perhaps his nerdy brain is trying to guess the unfamiliar flavor mix and earn your praise once his guess is correct. "I—uh—"

"You didn't listen at all."

He smiles, guilty.

You sigh, "I'm quite persistent, you see. We're not eating dinner until we both master this knot."

"Wouldn't this wait? I'm not in the mood anymore."

You shake your head and untie the yarn. But just as you're about to quip at his newfound impatience (and how cute he is trying to get the hang of it like a little kid learning origami), Erwin grasps the tool away from your hands and cups your cheeks.

He first lands a chaste peck on your forehead, then the bridge of your nose, then the tip of it, then the two cheeks, and finally, it deepens when he reaches for your mouth.

And because you are indeed a persistent being, you have no idea how shamelessly grateful Erwin was when you did more than just pull him in. He tried to stop himself, after all, for seconds in case it'd do anything better. Maybe you're not in the mood; perhaps you want to see the side of him not knowing better and learning things together. But when his palm glided on your cheek and your eyes widened in response, the tremor in his nerves overpowered the need to ask. 

Perhaps the tremor was gratitude because here he is, not getting any younger, and yet, this is only his first genuine step to face his vulnerability. 

You kiss him back and wrap your arm around his neck to pull him in, albeit quite sure why he's suddenly kissing you like this.

Unlike the previous one, his kisses are full of gentleness, and not a tinge of frustration can be seen. His hands, although huge and hard, slide inside your shirt so softly to feel your bare skin. You withdraw a bit to ask what might be the matter, but quickly forget the question when you see his face. He's blushing as though it's the first time he has kissed like this. His eyes are pretty lidded, lips a bit open, and you realize that although you had seen this expression before, it was for a very brief moment—not immediately after a chaste kissing session. 

He looks at you, quite disappointed for cutting the kiss short again. He grabs you by the ankle until you're sitting on his lap.

"Did something happen?"

He shakes his head, "Saying it out loud would be sappy."

"If you think I'd forgive you for spacing out while I'm—kyah!"

He starts sucking on your neck, "Shut up and don't ruin the moment."

"The what? Hey, don't mark on it. I'm warning you."

Erwin really wants to explain his thoughts. He's sure you'd be glad if you were to know all of this. Even though he could never perceive this as a significant step beyond, he bet you'd be giggling and jumping once you know.

He looks up and tries to explain but realizes how tired he is holding everything in—it took him decades. Erwin addressed it only after loving someone so ardently that he was willing to give up years-long prideful habits—all to love you more. He is exhausted, and your lips are so soft and so near, offering the sheer comfort he needs. It's parted slightly; if his tongue were to slip inside, it would send him into great bliss. Erwin is exhausted right now; perhaps he’d share his thoughts after this overwhelming, trembling warmth subsides.

For now, he at least tries to give a small context, "This is the best birthday I've ever had."

"Y-you think so?!" What have you done? You've been thinking about it for months! How could it happen without you knowing? "We spent the day indoors. We haven't even done anything special yet."

"You'd get quite full of yourself if you knew."

"You're trying to escape for not listening to my crochet blabbers."

"I don't want to get sappy today. Can't we just continue?"

"Well, uh… I really want to know what I did," you avert your gaze away. "I've been at the edge lately, thinking of ways to make you say you got the best birthday today—with me. Now that you finally say it, however…"

Again, it's as if you hit a nail, albeit unsure where and how you did.

"And there you have it. Your answer."

"Huh?" It took you a while to process that. "Because you're with me?"

He nods, albeit in a teasing manner.

"Eek. The sap shudders me."

"That's why I asked if we could just continue where we left off."

"The crocheting, indeed." you tease, but as you're about to reach the tool again, Erwin carries you up in his arms. He doesn't even need to tell you where he'd bring you. The impatient man would straight up lead you to bed to show what he wants.

Instead of scolding him for cutting the lecture off, you sigh and muffle your head in his neck, "You have to thank god it's your birthday today."

"Oh, yes of course," he kisses the crown of your head. "Thank you, dear."

TAGLIST: sorry for causing inconvenience with your notifs, my dears in taglist TT i wasn't planning to publish this tonight but the birthday request activated my brain neurons and said "what if u unload your WIPS and just publish this thing" so yea. sorry. @frenchdyer @watyousayin @collinnmckinley @aeanya @xiaotopia @cadenza-damour @grimistheangerinmystares @rinamars | STORY SUBSCRIPTION FORM

MORE OF SWEET SUBTLETIES SERIES HERE

[sooghostwriter]

Third Name

Member/Pairing: Do Kyung Soo x OC

Genre/Type: Smut, Mature, Romance, Royalty/ Dictatorship AU, Action, Time jumps. Multichapter.

Word count:  8250 words.

Summary: Anna has a plan for her own freedom. Prince Kyung Soo has one for the nation. She thinks she is meeting her enemy, he just wants to meet her. When the revolution begins he will need her help to claim their freedom.

PS: I block empty blogs.

Chapter 11

Kyung Soo’s face begging her to take him out of there was hunting her. 

It was the first time Anna saw him like that, and she wasn’t planning on letting him there suffer for much longer. So this meeting with Minseok, Sehun, and Chanyeol had to be the last one. 

“If we are taking him out we can't just take him, we have to make it look like a kidnapping, make a huge deal about it, use it as a distraction,” Minseok said very seriously. 

“For what?” Chanyeol asked, almost angry. Not with Minseok, but with everything. He and Sehun were filled with frustration since they couldn’t leave the Clan’s hideouts, unable to help anybody, especially their friend. 

“So the Clan can start moving and also to bomb his uncle's reputation” The three of them looked at Minseok asking for more details.

“If Kyung Soo just disappears he could use it, say that he ran away, or straight up fake his death and take the crown, if we kidnap him he is going to have to explain some things to the Crown and at least they will look for him” 

“I see, we are going to put him in a tight spot, I like that, me and Chanyeol will take care of it and Anna is in charge of kidnapping her boyfriend" She liked the idea, although at this point she would agree to any plan. Anna asked them the only thing she cared about now. 

"When is this happening? " Minseok told them to prepare for that Friday. 

That night, and the ones that followed, she visited Kyung Soo and shared with him their plan. His eyes shone and he promised that he would follow the rules, without asking for explanations. 

Anna explained everything with details and made him repeat some important parts of the plan to check if he was paying attention. 

"As long as you are with me we will be ok, but if we split for some reason you need to stay in the castle hidden, they are never going to search for you here, they are going to assume that we took you out" She told him holding his hand as soon as she notice how nervous he was. 

"Who is going to help you?" He asked, offering both of his hands for her to hold.

"I was told that it's about time to tell you this, and it's going to be a lot, so interrupt me when you think it's needed because you have a question or it's just too much" Kyung Soo assured her that he was going to do so and also remain calm. 

Anna spoke without interruptions about the Clan. Kyung Soo only listened and stared at her with his big round eyes. 

"With your illness and your parents death the Order is currently in a malleable state, they could support you and wait for you or just choose your uncle as the next king, if that were to happen, the people would take the hardest part and the Clan would have to change the course of actions radically… your uncle has his own people, his own ideas and connections with other countries that could start a coup" Kyung Soo covered his face with his hands, breathing heavily. 

"And if they chose me, what was the original plan? " He asked after calming himself down. 

"You were going to start your own coup against the Order, with the support of the Clan"

"So a civil war?" Anna began repeating what Minseok said to her. 

"The goal was always to create a citizen movement stronger than the crown and its army, use the least amount of confrontation between citizens…I think we are almost there, but things have to speed up, and we will see what kind of force is needed after we take you out of here" 

"We can't avoid confrontation then" He commented with resignation.

"No we can't, but you know?  The Clan has gained so many followers… and even if they don't consider themselves as followers, the amount of people that's against the crown is the majority now, so I would say that we could have a short period of confrontation" Anna tried to inject some positivity in him. 

"You think so?... But all these people resent me too. Why would they follow the Clan knowing I'm part of It " The sadness in his voice made her reach for his face and caress his cheeks softly. 

"I wouldn't be so sure, people have always liked you, they think you are different from your family… I changed my mind after meeting you " She ended, feeling a bit shy. 

Kyung Soo hid his face in her hand with a shy chuckle. 

"Everything you say surprises me, but nothing seems strange, I'm taking it in with much ease" 

"I've noticed it, I'm quite relieved " Silence fell upon them, a calm silence. Anna kept caressing his face and Kyung Soo rested a shy hand on her leg. 

"I take your touch with much ease too" He teased. 

"You definitely do" 

"I have been dreaming with you a lot," Kyung Soo confessed, his eyes closed.

"Tell me about them" She invited him. 

"You appeared in a room, covered in spider webs and with your feet wet, it was a big room covered with paintings, probably here in the castle. You said that Sehun told you to go there using the passages,  then… " Anna stopped him covering his mouth. 

"Let me finish your story so you can see that it wasn't a dream but a memory" Anna told him how he helped her dry her feet, cleaned her hair and then trained her for the first time. His eyes kept growing bigger and bigger, nodding with her as she described his dream. As if she had been there. 

Because she did. 

As Anna said, it wasn't a dream, it was a memory. 

"What about my other dreams, are those memories too?" Anna couldn't know, so she listened to the ones he remembered, and to their surprise, she knew all of them. 

Kyung Soo heard the deaf noise of the two guards falling unconscious. And just a couple of seconds later, two guys appeared through his doors. 

"Chanyeol? Sehun?" Kyung Soo called them, but regretted it immediately after seeing the excitement in the eyes of one of them. 

"You remember us?" He asked, his eyes beaming. 

"No he doesn't, Anna told her about us coming" The other tall man answered, stealing the words from his mouth. 

"I don't remember you… " Kyung Soo tried to explain, but the same guy interrupted him. 

"But you feel like you know us, we know, I'm Sehun, this is Chanyeol" He pointed at the guy behind him with a smile. The guy, Chanyeol, pushed Sehun to the side and threw himself onto Kyung Soo, hugging him tightly. Kyung Soo's arms circled his wide frame without thinking twice as he heard Chanyeol's quiet sob. He then saw over his friend's shoulder how Sehun cleaned his tears with the back of his hand and taking one long step he hugged them both. Despite how hard they were hugging him, Kyung Soo felt his chest filling up with air and something else. 

Sehun was right,  he felt like he knew them. Kyung Soo had seen them in his dreams several times. 

"Your majesty!" They heard from down the hall. They looked at each other and Kyung Soo felt a spark. A child-like excitement that was short lived as they noticed that the nurse was on her way. 

"Now if you excuse me" Chanyeol told him with sudden urgency. He went behind him, put on his balaclava and gave him an arm lock as Sehun put on his own and took out a gun.  Kyung Soo took a deep breath, held onto Chanyeol's arm and began squirming and asking for help. 

As soon as the nurse appeared at the door, Sehun held the gun to her head. 

"We are taking him with us, but you can't come" And with a swift movement that made him almost gasp in awe, Sehun hit her in the back of the neck, making her pass out. He then grabbed her with one hand and threw her inside one of the empty closets. 

"Let's go" He then said, as if nothing happened. 

As Anna told him, Chanyeol and Sehun were going to be his kidnappers. They needed people who knew the castle, and although they weren't the only ones, they insisted on participating just so they could meet his friend sooner. 

Chanyeol's grip around his neck was now around his shoulders as they went down the stairs. Sehun walked ahead,  checking the corners with his gun held tightly.  A noise bomb was set to explode in five minutes, so they had to be quick. 

They were reaching the second floor when they heard the loud bang of the noise bomb. Two seconds later he felt the floor vibrating. He looked at his friends in fear, wondering what could be causing that movement. 

"There they are," Chanyeol muttered as a group of around ten men appeared. His first instinct was to run, but he knew that he had to stay put. The ten men stopped in front of them, fully armed, with a serious expression, and standing very close to each other, forming a tight pack. Chanyeol grabbed Kyung Soo's arm and pushed him in front of the guards. Two of them took a step to the side and from between them a man appeared. 

It was his decoy. Same eighth, hair, complexion and clothes. Even his face was similar to his. His double bowed at him and called his name with devotion. Kyung Soo did the same, thanking him for what he was doing. 

They made the exchange. Kyung Soo left with the guards and his decoy with Chanyeol and Sehun. 

"We will meet later" Sehun assured him after seeing the look on Kyung Soo's eyes.

The pack of guards dashed down the hall with him hidden between their massive bodies. When they reached a new set of stairs, they split into two groups. One went back to his room to play the part and check on the noise bomb. Kyung Soo's group went downstairs, to the service rooms, more specifically the kitchen. The four men that accompanied him took him inside an empty room and began changing clothes. They hid their uniforms inside backpacks and put on black clothing and balaclavas. One of the guards began pulling rifles from one of the closets and handed one to each of his companions.  They did everything in complete silence, only exchanging looks to communicate. Kyung Soo kept quiet, looking at them in amazement, wondering if he used to be like that. If he also knew how to hold a rifle like that.  

" Your majesty, we are ready to go, I will be the one holding you,  so I hope you don't mind if… " Kyung Soo didn't let him finish and stood in front of him, giving him his back so he could hold him like Chanyeol did before. Although this guy was probably two times bigger than his friend.  

"When you helped me train on sword fighting at the military, you held me like this once, I was fifteen back then and you were twenty, I was very small and skinny back then and you told me that someday I was going to get bigger, and here we are" The guard shared with him as they got ready to leave the room.  Kyung Soo was smiling for the first time that day. Because even if he didn't remember that, he felt an overwhelming fondness for this man. Before he could say anything, the men opened the door and took him out of the room. He began playing the part again, screaming and fighting his kidnappers. 

They shot some bullets to the ceiling and people began coming out of their rooms. Butlers, guards, and maids. Kyung Soo noticed how they all reacted differently. He could split it between people who knew what was going on and people that didn't. 

They walked into the kitchen because it was one of the few rooms that had a door that went into one of the castle's gardens. The only garden that had a passage directly into the forest behind the castle. 

One of the guards walked ahead of them and was getting ready to kick the door open when one of the cooks stood in front of him holding her knife.

"Leave our king alone" She muttered between clenched teeth. Kyung Soo recognized her. She was his personal cook, the woman that had been feeding him since he was a baby, Nuni. That wasn't her name, but it was the name that his baby self gave her and it remained like that until now. Kyung Soo knew that the order was to get rid of whoever got in the way. So he begged his captors not to hurt her. They were taken aback by his reaction.  

"Nuni, let us go, I will be alright! " He insisted. But she stayed put, still holding her knife with her tired hands. 

"You heard him, we will take good care of him," The guard said, hovering over her. She held his stare, then looked at Kyung Soo and then back at the guard. 

"If something happens to him, I will skin you and feed you to the Order" Nobody laughed. The guard nodded at her, looking less threatening, and pushed her to the side. Kyung Soo told her again that he was going to be fine as they dragged him outside the castle. 

"That was unexpected, " Commented the guard holding him. Kyung Soo couldn't answer, still shocked.  

As they walked into the garden, they began hearing shoots on the wing of the castle just above them. They quickened their steps until they reached a small hut that could be turned down by a soft gust of wind.  Two men walked inside lifting an iron coffin with a lot of effort. Then a third guy got to his knees and with one punch of his fist destroyed the small wooden door under the coffin. His captor grabbed him by the arms and quickly shoved him down the hole with little care. He could barely register the fall,  from one second to the other he was on the hard and damp floor of the passage, with a pungent pain in his palms. 

He heard quick steps approaching him and soon a light shone in his face. 

"Kyung Soo!" His body recognized the voice before his brain could, relaxing immediately and forgetting about the pain. Anna turned off the flashlight and helped him get up. Before he could regain balance, he threw himself to her, hugging her tightly, taking in her scent.  

"Anna, you did it, you really got me out of there" His raspy voice whispered into her ear.

"Kyung Soo, Do you remember me?" Anna asked, surprised by his hug and the passion in his voice, hopeful that all this had brought back something, anything. 

"No, I haven't, I'm so sorry,  but please hug me" Anna circled his waist with her arms and his relief brought tears to his eyes.

“My head can't fully remember you yet, but the rest of my body does, so please keep holding me" Anna felt his hands rubbing her back and his lips caressing her jaw and neck. He was holding her with such enthusiasm that he lifted Anna off her feet, making her giggle. Her carefree laugh and her touch made something click in his head. That same muscle memory that knew how she felt between his arms and against his skin made him realize how much he needed to kiss her. And now that he could finally savor freedom, he wanted to mix that taste with her kisses.  

He held her face, resting his forehead gently on hers. She was looking at him with glassy eyes, her lips forming an adorable pout. Anna felt as if her heart had stopped beating, in comparison to how fast and hard it beat as she waited for Kyung Soo in the damp passage. Now all that seemed very distant and the only thing that mattered to her was him holding her and looking at her like that. She felt him running his fingers through her ponytail, making her close her eyes as a hot shiver ran down her back. Kyung Soo reached for her face cautiously, testing her reaction and his. Although it was clear to him that he wanted this, he needed this.  He held her chin and gently tilted it up until her lips were centimeters away from his. Anna stared into Kyung Soo's deep gaze. Her right hand searched for his, interlocking their fingers as she moved closer. Kyung Soo released a short sigh, before taking a deep breath and closing the distance between them.  

Kyung Soo's lips stroked hers slowly at first, testing Anna's response and his. But that didn't last. It was the softness of her lips and the taste of her mouth that made him hold her tighter and deepened the kiss. Anna threw her arms around his shoulders and almost climbed him as she answered the kiss. Kyung Soo always kissed as if it was the last time. And he was kissing her like that. Like he knew that she was his. They quickly melted into each other, her fingers tangled in his hair, as Kyung Soo touched her through her thick wool jacket. In the distance she heard a noise, a low cough, or something of the sort. Then Kyung Soo's name was called by a deep voice. It became insistent enough that she had to break the kiss and push Kyung Soo away. 

"Your majesty, Anna, you need to start moving" Kyung Soo's ears went red and Anna covered her mouth in embarrassment. The guys that brought Kyung Soo to her were still there, giving them some privacy by not looking, but they could hear everything. 

"I'm so sorry, thank you for your work, we will see you later." She thanked them again, grabbed Kyung Soo's hand, and pulled him into the depths of the dark passage. 

They walked for around thirty minutes until Anna stopped in front of an iron stair. At the end of it, he could see the square metal door that indicated the end of the second part of the plan. And so far everything worked perfectly. 

Anna led the way again, climbing the stairs and opening the door with one strong push. The bright light made him look away with discomfort. 

“I’m going to go first to see if there’s any problem, don’t go out until I come back” He nodded and took a step back to give her space so she could move. 

She came back 5 minutes later, although for Kyung Soo it felt like an hour. 

He came out of the passage feeling overwhelmed by the amount of green under his feet and the cold wind messing with his hair. Around them, there was a forest with tall trees and bushes spread here and there. The only noise they could hear was the wind, no cars, no people. He couldn’t even see the castle. 

Next to him, Anna was doing her part. As he was amazed by the nature that he could finally see after months, she was taking a radio out of her backpack. She turned it on, jolting at the loud static noise, and quickly found the channel to communicate with the people on the other side.

“This is queen, my partner is here, any news? over” Again static and then a click.

“Everything is moving, there are currently four groups moving and searching for the three decoys we send and Kyung Soo so be careful, get out of there as soon as you can, over” 

“Understood, over” Anna turned off the radio and searched for Kyung Soo. He was staring at the passage door with attention. She called his name and he brought a finger to his lips. 

“I think there’s someone in the passages” He whispered. Anna stood next to him and sharpened her ear. 

A rhythmic sound and some grunts, whatever it was it was getting closer. And it couldn't be good.  

Anna took off her backpack and searched for the one thing she knew would help them. Kyung Soo’s eyes grew three times bigger when he saw Anna pull a hand grenade from her backpack. She got on her knees at the edge of the entrance and with expert hands she pulled the trigger and threw the grenade inside the passage. They had 10 seconds to run away and avoid any mishap. Kyung Soo grabbed her hand and pulled her up, running away, avoiding trees and jumping over rocks. They stopped when they heard the explosion throwing themselves to the floor and covering their heads. 

The explosion only lifted some dust and made the floor shiver, but the shouts from the guards in the passage as they saw the grenade coming at them were loud and clear. 

Anna just closed her eyes and thought about the greater good. 

When she was finally ready to open them, Kyung Soo was staring at her with wonder, but also a lot of worries. 

“It’s your first time doing this?” He whispered. 

“It is,” She confessed after a couple of breaths. 

“I’m sorry you had to do this because of me” He said as he held her hand. 

“I would do it a hundred times and more if necessary, let’s keep moving” She held onto his hand and got up, following the planned path to get out of the forest. 

When they reached the highway, Anna looked at her clock, checking if they were right on time. Just two minutes ahead of schedule. Their surroundings were silent too, Kyung Soo suspected they were on the highway behind the hill that surrounded the castle. He was shocked by the fact that he knew that information. He was still not sure of how much memory he had lost. 

“The truck is going to be here in a minute, remember to pay attention to the sound, if we can’t hear the squealing from the pigs, we need to hide '' Anna instructed him as she changed her backpack from her back to her chest. Kyung Soo closed his eyes and did as Anna instructed. He counted the seconds in his head, and just when he was reaching fifty-nine, he heard one loud squeal. He could also hear Anna celebrate with a curse.  

The truck approached them at a low speed, flickering its lights. The noise of the pigs was now louder than its engine, as the smell. 

“It’s going to be a short ride, don’t worry” Anna assured him as if sensing his worry. 

The truck stopped, and they climbed the door, jumping onto the back, and falling between the smelly pigs. They moved to the front, avoiding the grumpier pigs, and settled there. Anna took the radio from her back and turned it on. 

“We are on the truck, over” Static noise. 

“There are guards at the bypass, do as planned, if it doesn’t work, he knows that he has to drive past them, over” Anna took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and answered.

“Understood, over” And she turned off the radio. 

As they said, there were guards at the bypass. Before them, two cars waited for their control. Anna and Kyung Soo slid down the wall of the truck and lay on the floor hidden by the pigs. The smell was so strong that she had to hide her face on her arm, trying to isolate her nose. It was useless, but it helped her focus. They couldn’t hear what was happening. The truck moved slowly ahead and then stopped. The pigs complained, and time passed. They were stuck for around five minutes until the truck engine woke up again with a loud roar. Anna turned on the radio again.

“Safe?, over” Just a second passed until they answered. 

“Safe, see you in an hour, over” Static noise again.

They kept quiet, sitting down, already used to the smell. Anna kept checking her clock, the anxiety didn’t leave, even when knowing they were safe now. She wasn’t going to rest until Kyung Soo crossed the doors of the old parliament. There was still danger, and her senses were all focused on catching any sign of it. 

Kyung Soo kept quiet, to not disturb Anna’s focus and to be a little help too. He kept looking through the slits between the wood of the back of the truck. He knew how the old parliament looked, he could even remember some rooms from the inside. From behind a thick wall of trees, he could finally see it. Anna gasped at the sight and held his hand tighter. 

“We are almost there” She whispered, smiling brightly. 

The closer they got to their destination, the scarier it got. At any time a car from the Order could appear behind them, they could even meet them at the doors of the Clan hideouts. Too many things were at risk, and it would be their fault. Anna wished she was the only one feeling that burden. 

The truck stopped and the driver got off. He dashed to the back of the truck and pulled the doors open with a single pull.  This was probably the first time she felt so happy to see Junmyeon, and she let him know. 

“Right back at you Anna, Kyung Soo, I’m so glad to see you again, I’ll tell you who I am later, let’s move, Minseok is waiting for us” Kyung Soo bowed at him, looking uncertain and followed Anna as she began to move. 

They ran across the abandoned highway behind the parliament and reached the gates. Anna took the key from her boot and opened them, closing behind. Every opened door had to be closed. 

As soon as they got inside the abandoned building, Kyung Soo commented on how he was familiar with it. There was excitement in his voice, which made her and Junmyeon smile. He followed them down the main hall, having a weird feeling of knowing where they were going. When Junmyeon opened one tall wooden door, he gasped in surprise, making him jolt. 

“Minseok, you son of a bitch, you scared me, I thought we were meeting down there” Kyung Soo saw a man approaching, meeting them halfway. He shook Junmyeon’s hand and patted Anna’s shoulder before approaching him. 

“It’s great to have you here Kyung Soo, I’m Minseok '' He held his hand up and Kyung Soo shook it without hesitation.

“Anna told me a lot about you, I hope our memories come back to me soon” Kyung Soo saw the sadness in his friend's eyes, so he smiled calmly to show him that he was better than they thought. Anna was the one who brought them back to the urgent matter and hurried them to keep moving. They went inside the service bathroom. Junmyeon pushed the elegant closet to the side, exposing the black metal door. She opened the lock and they got inside the tunnel with Minseok leading the way with his flashlight. She waited for Kyung Soo and locked arms with him, knowing how cold that path was, sicking for warmth and hopefully giving him some. 

When they entered the main hall, Kyung Soo gasped loudly. Walking around and sitting on different surfaces there were around 100 people showing different levels of worry. 

They were all waiting for him. 

Everybody stopped what they were doing and slowly approached them. Minseok was the first one to talk.

“Everything went according to the plan, we will have time to talk tomorrow, as for now, we should let Kyung Soo rest, it was a long and tiresome day” Everybody agreed. But one of the assistants, their teacher from university, walked to the front and spoke for the crowd. 

“Your majesty, welcome home, can we greet you?” 

Kyung Soo looked at Anna nervously. He wanted to greet them, thanking them for being there, but he still felt as if he didn’t quite deserve the attention and reverence he received from them. Anna circled his waist, smiling at him, bumping his hip with hers playfully. The warmth he felt coming from her was the support he needed to greet everybody and thank them in some way for the hardship they go through just to accompany him. 

He spent about an hour doing so. Everybody introduce themselves as if it was the first they were meeting, although he knew it wasn’t. Anna stayed next to him the whole time. She clearly knew all of them, and with the information he had about the Clan and his involvement with it, he felt overjoyed by the fact that she had involved herself so perfectly with all of them. 

Minseok had a filling meal prepared for them at his office. But first, their friend made them change into clean clothes to get rid of the pig's smell. Kyung Soo was excited to talk to him. He wished Sehun and Chanyeol were there with them, but they had to end their part of the plan, so they would be back tomorrow morning. It was almost midnight, the food was gone and Kyung Soo was feeling the stress of the night turning into tiredness. The chat with his friend helped him calm down the adrenaline, but everything felt very strange still. Good strange, though. He was out of that prison. No nurse injecting him and causing him pain. He could move, do what he wanted, speak whenever he wanted. He didn’t have to listen to his uncle's horrible comments anymore, he was out of danger now and Anna was with him. She didn’t have to walk those cold and spider-infested passages anymore to see him. She wasn’t speaking to him in whispers just so the guards outside his room couldn’t hear them. She was laughing freely now, speaking loudly. He didn’t know how long this new calm would last, but he was going to enjoy it. 

Minseok was considerate enough to ask Anna to guide Kyung Soo to his room. Room that in the last months had become her room. She always kept it clean and tidy, knowing that he would be back someday. She walked him down the hall, holding his hand and sending him loving looks as he asked random questions about the Clan’s building. She felt almost suffocated by happiness. 

Anna walked him inside his room and gave him time to look around. The way he walked around his bedroom reminded her of how she inspected his room the first time she visited it. He stared at the books, the paintings, he touched the furniture and the fabrics around him. He stopped at the wall covered with photos. Like Anna back then, he probably didn’t recognize most of the people there, but he was still smiling. Her tummy shivered when Kyung Soo set his eyes on their picture. 

“I like how you look in your uniform” He commented, taking the picture from the wall and bringing it to give it a closer look. She stood next to him, still having that fuzzy feeling when looking at that photo and how sweet Kyung Soo looked passing an arm around her shoulders, kissing her cheek. 

“If I ever had a doubt about what you said about us, now that doubt it’s completely gone,” He said with a chuckle. She only rested her head on his shoulder, closing her eyes. 

They sat on the bed staring at the photo wall, with Kyung Soo pointing at faces asking for names or telling her how much he remembered about them. It wasn’t a lot, but he knew some things, like names, or specific events that she couldn’t corroborate if they were accurate or not. She promised him that they would ask Minseok tomorrow. 

Kyung Soo began talking about their day, saying and asking what he couldn’t say as they made their escape. 

“I bet you were nervous and thinking about this nonstop,” She told him playfully after they went over the last bit of their day, the dinner with Minseok. 

“I was nervous, but to be honest, I was thinking about you, worried about you, nervous about what you had to do, watching everything you did. In my lockdown what I did the most was think about you” His voice didn’t show any shyness, but his ears were red. 

“You have been thinking about me?” She whispered close to his face. 

“Yeah,” He turned his head, moving closer to her, but not meeting her eyes. 

“What kind of thinking?” She kept digging.

“The kind where I have to control myself” He finally met her eyes, dark and big, pulling her in. 

“Kiss me, love” She ordered him, climbing on his lap as he grabbed her face, kissing her before she could finish her sentence. The way Kyung Soo touched her hadn’t changed. His hand followed a pattern that was familiar to her. Grabbing her waist pulling her closer, holding to her hips and rubbing her thighs and back. Then repeat until he grew frustrated with the clothes between his hands and her skin. His passion turned into desperation quickly. He was a bit hard and rough, biting her lower lip and sucking on the skin of her chin and neck. She moaned as his hands slid up her chest, holding her head by the nape. 

"Kyung Soo, are you sure you want to do this?" She asked him, driven by consideration for her boyfriend who was currently recovering from a memory loss and a very traumatic experience. But Kyung Soo didn't answer and kept kissing her face and neck. She insisted once again, but she got the same answer from him. At least she had the consideration, she thought to herself, as she pulled his sweater off. 

"Kyung Soo I’ve missed you so much" She whispered desperately, against his lips, kissing his cheeks and forehead.  

"I’m sorry, I’m so sorry" He hugged her, hiding his guilty face on her chest. She hated seeing him like this, apologizing when he was the victim. She grabbed his face and made him look at her. 

"Don’t! Come here” She had to grab him harder as he insisted on lowering his head.

“You are never leaving my side again, understood?” He nodded, kissing the palm of her hand. 

“We will stay together from now on,” She promised. 

“Yes Anna” He kissed her other hand. 

“And we will achieve everything we want, not tonight though, tonight we will only think about us, ok?” Kyung Soo giggled, that childish laugh that put the first seed of love in her heart. 

She pushed him onto the bed and climbed on top of him, trapping him under her body, kissing his cheeks and neck taking in his delicious scent and the warmth of his skin. Kyung Soo’s grunts and sighs of pleasure were interrupted by a question. 

“Have I ever had you like this before?” He saw it a couple of times in dreams, but he never trusted those blindly. 

“Yes, a couple of times” She confessed, looking at his curious eyes. 

“I hate that I can't remember it” He cursed with frustration, and Anna understood it, but that was not the mood she needed at that moment. 

“Don't worry, you will” And to fully bring him back to the moment, she sat up and took off her flannel.   

He opened his mouth and eyes wide in adorable shock. His hands reached for her naked waist, slowly, flinching when he could finally touch her. 

"You so familiar to me, I can't find you in my memory if I try, but just now when I touched you, I knew it wasn't the first time" He moved his hands up and shyly caressed the edge of her bra. 

"It's okay, you can't see what we had, they made you hide it in your memories, but you can't forget me, who I am in essence, what we did, the way I felt on your hands and lips,  there are some things you can't forget Kyung Soo, focus on bringing them back” His hands settled on her waist as Anna moved her waist slowly, out of reflex. Kyung Soo closed his eyes as his hands moved down her thighs and then up again, briefly rubbing her center with his thumb. 

Anna moaned softly, holding to his forearms. 

“Please tell me that you remember some of me” She begged. 

“I can't... I try but I can't” There was some despair in his voice. She felt terribly bad for him, guilty for telling him that,  but she never let sadness or frustration be useless, so she used those feelings to fuel her will and do something about it. She was the only one who could help him remember her. 

“Then come here,  I'm going to make you remember” Anna grabbed Kyung Soo’s clueless face and brought him to her. Making him sit on the bed, having him close to her face and chest. 

“You liked it when I touched your chest,  you said it gave you a burning feeling” She caressed down his neck with the tip of her fingers and then placed her hands on his warm chest. 

“And this was your favorite” She held his chin and turned his face to the right making her way to his neck. He closed his eyes in pleasure, hugging her waist and hiding his face on her shoulder.   

“I know those things can't be erased from your head, they are imprinted on your skin” She whispered on his neck making him grunt. Emboldened by his reactions and by the delight of touching her man like this, she pulled off his sweatshirt. 

“Can you feel it?” She hugged him, rubbing his shoulders and taking in the warmth of his chest. 

“I.. think I do” He chuckled, kissing her chin. 

“Good, touch here, you said you loved it” She pulled down her bra ignoring the gasp he released, and put his hand on top of her breast. 

“Touch it, please, touch me” Kyung Soo did as told, calling her name and immediately taking his other hand to her chest. 

“My head can’t place the moment I did this, but it feels so intimate and ours, everything about you feels like that, I touched this skin before” He dropped a chaste kiss between her breasts and what was meant to be a single kiss turned into a mission covering every inch of her chest with his kisses. 

“Yes you did,  several times” She moaned. holding his head to her chest. 

“And the first time you broke into my room, I could recognize your smell,” He said between kisses. 

“It was a gift from you” 

“I can't place you in my memories, but I recognize everything” He repeated. 

“Because we loved each other, we still do,” She told him, staring into his eyes. 

“We do, I do,” He confessed, catching her by surprise. Even if he didn’t remember, she had managed to catch him and dig herself into his heart again. 

Kyung Soo picked her up, throwing her on the bed and settling his body in between her legs. He got comfortable, holding her down, planning on staying for a while there, touching, kissing, and grabbing onto this body that was one of the few things he could recognize. But not only her body. Anna’s scent and whimpers, the way she touched him and hugged him, inviting Kyung Soo to touch and kiss her more didn’t feel new, he recognized all of them, which didn’t make it less exciting and arousing.

As Kyung Soo sucked on her collarbone, rocking his hips into her, Anna reached for him, craving his lips as she thought about every single night that she spent lying awake on that same bed, loving him and missing him. 

His bottom lip dragged on the skin of her face, dropping kisses on her nose, eyelids, and forehead. Anna’s hand reached down his back and did their best to pull Kyung Soo’s pants down, but his belt didn’t allow her to do so. Her insistence made him chuckle, distracting him from worshiping her. He kneeled down between her legs and undo his belt as she unbuttoned her jeans. She lifted her hips and pulled them off, kicking Kyung Soo in the process. Between shy laughs, Kyung Soo got up and got rid of his pants, and as soon they were gone he came back to his previous position, jumping into Anna’s wide-open arms. 

He stopped for a second before kissing her again, his eyes darting all over her face. 

“You are so beautiful” He whispered, closing his eyes as Anna caressed his cheek. “And so brave, smart, loving, and… dangerous” She laughed loudly, the feeling of her chest vibrating under him with laughter was divine. 

“Is it because I threw that grenade? Or the whole kidnapping thing?” She asked, cleaning her tears. 

“All of you, I just wonder what would happen to me If I wasn’t on your side, or if you used all that dedication to hurt me” 

“Lucky you, I used that determination to take you away from there and make you fall in love with me again” Her answer hit him like a brick. He forgot to add that he loved her confidence too. All the words he could say got stuck in his throat. As his eyes focused on her half-open mouth, a flickering image came to his head, blurry but with clear words. Clear enough for him to repeat them. 

“I can put my life in your hands, I've done it a couple of times now” She recognized those words as hers. 

“I did so once, and I still do” Anna whispered in his ear as he leaned down to hug her. Kyung Soo followed the line of her jaw with the tip of his nose, dropping kisses on his way.  She caressed and scratched his back softly, whispering his name, the more he kissed her the louder she got. 

Despite how she needed more from him, of how he wanted it harder from him, she was getting intoxicated by his touch, his smell, his warmth, and the weight of his body on top of her. Anna opened her legs wider so she could rub herself against his thigh, holding him down by the ass. 

Kyung Soo grunted in her mouth, as he pressed his tongue against hers. Seeing his need reciprocated by her, made him feel euphoric. He got rid of his underwear and hers, almost tearing them apart.  Anna tried to close her legs out of reflex. but Kyung Soo held them open, staring at her already wet center with admiration. He reached for her with wandering hands, touching her, covering his fingers with her wetness, and spreading it along her lower lips. 

She covered her mouth, trying to quiet down her loud moans. Kyung Soo didn’t stop, he wanted louder moans. Slowly, he shoved one finger inside her, so softly that she almost didn’t feel it. He laid down next to her, pillowing her head with his arm. His right hand began rubbing circles on her clit, and then went lower, penetrating her with two fingers. He moaned in her ear, hugging her closer, as she tightened around his fingers. She called his name and he answered by dropping kisses along her jaw. 

She reached down, wanting to touch him too, to hear him and arouse him. She dragged the back of her hand against his hard-on. The touch was soft, almost fleeting, but it still made him groan. She wanted to touch him more, more intently, to reciprocate his attention, but Kyung Soo didn’t have the strength to stretch this anymore. Because as he told her before, he has been thinking about her, the kind of thought where he had to control himself. There was something about Anna, about what they were, that clearly wasn’t just saved in his memory. His whole body called for her, her nude body, her moans, and her pleasure. 

He peeled his underwear quickly, apologizing for the rush, although Anna didn’t need explanations. She grabbed him by the waist as soon as he was fully naked and brought him to her. Anna’s hands slid around, sinking into the full cheeks of his ass, grabbing hard and with need. Kyung Soo giggled adorably, and she kissed his smile, cheeks, and nose as he positioned comfortably between her legs. 

She felt the tip of his dick poking her entrance, making her shiver in anticipation. Her hands went from his ass to his shoulders, allowing him to enter her more comfortably for both of them. 

Kyung Soo moved his body to the side, grabbing his member and rubbing it up and down her slit. Anna begged for him, kissing his lips as she tangled her fingers in his hair.  She felt him sliding inside her slowly, carefully, and lovingly as always. Anna let him do everything, she wanted to feel owned by him. She released a sigh of relief when he entered her. Relieved that her body still remembered him and that once again he was back in her arms. 

He looked down at their bodies, thrusting once as a response to the excitation that it caused him. His eyes scanned up her body, his mouth open in awe. Anna grabbed his face, begging him for a kiss and lifting her hips to have him closer and deeper inside her. Kyung Soo filled her ears with words of love and adoration, making her blush with his devotion. As Anna hugged him tighter and caressed his body, his mind kept flashing images, random flashes of her, of them. Scenes that didn't feel like dreams. But above all that, there was Anna, completely new to him, but not a stranger. He loved her, that was clear. And he was crazy for her. 

Anna looked back at him with glassy eyes. Her mouth opened with pleasure, caressing his back and groping the places she liked. He could tell that she knew his body probably better than himself. He liked how she wanted him and how honest she was about it, because he felt the same, and he felt like it was burning him. 

Anna moved her hips searching for more. Although she loved having her boyfriend nice and slow, she was still shocked about how everything unraveled.  Despite how positive she was and how hard she worked to get him back, she was always scared that Kyung Soo would be gone forever. But he wasn’t. He was there with her like always. The same kisses, the same hugs and caresses. The same passion, want and love. Even when she wasn’t a clear memory in his brain. That always gave her a bit of confidence, how she managed to make him look at her again. Feel for her again.

She grabbed him by the nape and brought him closer so she could kiss him hard, latching her lips over his lower lip, sucking hard. They both moaned at the same time, desperately curving their bodies into the other. 

Anna bent her knees and Kyung Soo quickly grabbed hold of her legs, thrusting quicker. He was surprised at how greedy his heart was, how primal were his needs. 

Anna thought she was going insane, with everything Kyung Soo was doing to her and the way he muffled his moans in the crock of her neck. She felt his encouraging and loving words running down her body, enveloping her. With each thrust and every kiss, she felt closer and closer to her orgasm. And as much as she wanted to make this moment last, she knew it was impossible. 

Kyung Soo’s grip on her thighs grew tighter and the kisses on her shoulder turned into soft bites. She captured him between her legs, asking for harder and deeper thrusts. He complied, bucking his hips only a couple of times before she felt her orgasm wash over her. The way her body reacted made him reach his own climax enhancing her pleasure. 

His body felt on top of her, his hips still moving, but softer. She couldn’t stop kissing his lips, even when it was hard to breathe for both. A hint of a smile played on Kyung Soo’s lips as he looked at her. Although she wanted to tell him how much she loved him and how incredible he was and just make him blush with her devotion, she was out of words. He gently rubbed her neck, tucking her hair behind her ear and kissing her cheek. 

He rolled to the side to lay next to her and caressed her face again before passing out as soon as he closed his eyes. She covered her mouth quietening her giggles and went out of bed to fetch a towel and clean them both. Kyung Soo didn’t wake up as she cleaned him, nor when she accommodated him in the bed and covered him with the duvet. 

Anna went to sleep a little bit later. Taking advantage of his sleeping state she kissed every inch of his cute face before resting.

The next morning,  Kyung Soo didn’t wake up. 

[gfxced]

I went Full-Fuji! (GFX One Year Review)

One year ago, I decided to ditch my Nikon DSLRs for a Fujifilm GFX 50R.

The GFX's sensor is larger than a full-frame sensor with a crop factor of 0.79

A little over a year ago, I still was using a few Nikon DSLRs to do just about anything. For portraits and landscape, I had a very respectable D810. Enough megapixels to provide some room for cropping and a decent dynamic range for most situations. For action and hobby-wildlife I had a D500. A durable mini-tank with performance that to this day would be hard to dismiss even in the light of mirrorless flagship innovation.

However, the question of my camera-future slowly crept into my mind. Was it time to change and upgrade into the Nikon Z system? Switching to a Z7 would indeed have been a sensible move, adapting older lenses while getting the sensor of the D850 in a smaller, cheaper body with an ecosystem of native lenses with the optical quality up to specs for the next decade. On paper and elsewhere, it should have been the obvious choice. Yet my answer to this question was a resounding "no" and I went against reason to set my sights on a Fujifilm GFX 50R. I took that model over the S because I enjoy the rangefinder form factor.

In hindsight, the smartest of all moves would probably have been to remain with what I had, adhering to the ancient photographic wisdom: "lenses are more important than cameras". My kits could have kept me satisfied for probably another 10 years if we are being honest. I could have stayed within the F mount ecosystem and could have taken advantage of its downright insane price drops to get top-of-the-line lenses for peanuts instead of selling the farm on a whim, however carefully considered it might have been.

These old and trusty Nikon DSLRs got sold off to finance the 50R

The truth is that after fifteen years of walking the beaten paths camera-wise, I wanted to shake things up. I longed for a change of pace. I felt confident enough in my practice to know what type of photography I would want to engage in for the foreseeable future. I also felt confident enough that I'd be able to answer the call of the occasional assignment using a camera system that would have a non-negligible amount of drawbacks. The challenge even seemed like a fun new variable to add to contracts. Thus, the choice I made for my photographic future has been one born out of love rather than made from a place of reason.

When I think of good photographic memories involving the process — how photography is approached with mind and body — I immediately have two very different ideas jumping to mind and each has an ideal type of tool that best suits it. Neither of these are about efficiency. Neither of these are about performance beside niche-performance, perhaps. But that, is more of an acquired taste and it also comes at a price, but we'll see about that later.

The first idea is an instinctive and spontaneous approach, form of feral and visceral active meditation, akin to Daido's rabid dog method; roaming the streets clear of thoughts and letting the subconscious take the helm. Shooting, shooting, shooting and discovering everything later. No plan, only image-taking. No clear framing, no image-reviewing, no judgement to pass, no threads to weave. Only arrange and make sense later, if there's any of that to find.

Results using the "rabid dog" method, using a Fujifilm X100, 2014

For this type of photography, the Fujifilm X100 was the tool that instantly clicked with me. The "poorman's Leica" is an apt way to describe what the X100 represented when it came out. I got the original 12mp camera in 2012 as a fun but capable toy to bring along my Nikon D700, until the shutter release button (which also is the on/off switch) broke off in 2020 after one power-up too many. I have since replaced it with a Fuji X-Pro 2 with the XF 18mm F2, 27mm F2.8 and 50mm F2 lenses. To this day, such small Fuji bodies are my tool of choice for this kind of photographic mood (and of course, for family pictures).

Fuji X100 later replaced by the X-Pro 2 as street photography go-to.

The second photographic process that I tend to naturally gravitate towards stems from my first year of photography school, during which all projects had to be done using film and would have us deal with the whole process (that is to say; shooting, developing, printing, framing, and displaying our work ourselves). It is with nostalgia that I look upon the memories from that time.

There sure is something inherently different in figuring out what to do with the exposures one has left on their film than being able to inconsequentially shoot within two hours three thousand pictures through which you can almost immediately browse. The latter is of course more practical and a welcome technological improvement, but the former brings an unhurried and deliberate focus that I find both refreshing and appealing.

When I think of my strongest recollection of touching the quintessence of the analog experience, the days of using my Mamiya 645 immediately come to mind. Such sluggish, heavy-as-a-couple-bricks box-machines compel one to being careful and purposeful every step of the way. I need that too.

Mamiya 645 Super, since sold to finance GF lenses.

I have for the longest of time considered getting a more serious medium format camera but some quick-math with the price of film, chemicals and photographic paper made me realize that digital medium format was actually much more worth the investment while most definitely retaining some of the core characteristics of its analog counterparts. My love for the film process couldn't hold up against all the advantages of going digital, especially when buying second-hand.

Using medium format always felt like journeying inwards. It has allowed me to spend long hours in daydreaming-states paradoxically laced with an acute awareness of my surroundings. When thinking about medium format, I can recall the soul-washing quality of some of the winds that swept my cheeks while I was standing next to the tripod waiting for the exposure of the 50iso film to finish.

States of contemplation. Another kind of active meditation?

Of course, any camera can provide this type of feeling, but of all of the digital cameras available, medium format is the one type that will weigh you down the most and dictate the pace you work at.

Telepanoramas created with the Fujifilm GFX 50R

Notice how these two ideas are almost the ends of a spectrum?

The first one is nervous and agitated, highly reactive, while the other is composed, meticulous and invites introspective fugue-states, yet they both share one vital element in the way that I approach them in that they take the practical considerations out of the picture to leave more space for what is going on within me.

The setting up of the camera or lack thereof becomes an excuse for something else. Maybe it isn't a surprise, that my adhd-ridden brain experiences this inexorable attraction for both these approaches. For they are in essence, two sides of the same coin, with each side matching different, specific and fluctuating needs.

Let's dive in!

After selling my DSLRs, I started looking for a good second-hand candidate. After a month or so, I found a barely used GFX 50R sold with a 50mm 3.5, a couple additional batteries and an L-bracket to boot. The price was rather attractive for the bundle, so it seemed like the time to take the leap. After a short but excruciating wait for the package to arrive, I finally was able to join the larger-than-35mm-sensor club.

How it started

My first few months with the camera had me immediately blown away by the difference in output. The higher resolution and the sensor's qualities made the (very much existing) noise hardly noticeable when downsized to small printing or screen-viewing sizes. What also immediately struck me, was the looks of the images the camera produced. Images taken with the GFX feel more "3D" to me. It is a very peculiar and hard to describe feeling. I suspect it is a combination of factors; the depth of field of the larger sensor and the very smooth transitions between what's in focus and what is not that it permits, the colour depth, and the quality of the optics. I've seen many Youtube reviews, read forum threads or been in discussions on Discord about GFX cameras where people (who more often than not don't own one) will maintain that these qualities don't exist at all. After a year in the system I can confidently state that they're wrong.

I can't really put my finger on what causes these differences as I am not as tech-savvy as I could be, but it is still clear as day. To use a pretty apt analogy, I would say that the difference between full-frame and (crop) medium format is akin to the difference between aps-c and full-frame cameras. Are they deal-breaking? Not necessarily. For some people they can be. Are they noticeable? Definitely. It is especially funny to me to see medium format cameras being dismissed by such a many full-frame shooter who at the same time, is constantly bashing aps-c sensors.

Don't you love to pixel-peep? Omnomnom (imagine with 102mp!)

This being said, I will always fully stand by the statement that full-frame cameras are the more sensible choice as they are better all-rounders by design. High-res cameras like Sony's A7RV or equivalent are also better high-iso performers than the aging IMX161 sensor that the GFX 50 series uses, which sees its operational limit at around 6400iso (but the GFX 100 would be another matter entirely). A top-tier full-frame camera is evidently more practical, lighter and cheaper without any deal-breaking image quality difference to what the medium format niche can offer. When all costs are factored in, the choice would seem self-evident. If you consider medium format, it should be understood that you know this before committing to any bigboy sensor. Or don't heed this and make people who buy second hand happy, as GFX gear loses almost one third of its value once it hits the second hand market (a consequence of too many people jumping on the medium format bandwagon only to realise — way too late — that it wasn't for them).

Are we cooking yet?

I need to talk about the GFX's files for a little bit; I'm a raw shooter only — which hopefully you'd have guessed — (in my opinion anyone buying into a medium format to shoot jpeg must have cognitive issues or too much money, or possibly both) and I have to say that when I opened the raw files to give the sliders their very first +100/-100 or +3/+4 EV from base iso (or any combination of these) I was utterly floored by how well the files could handle such an ungodly beating.

This isn't a joke, I promise.

This type of camera makes the slider memes come true, to a point where for the first few months, my ability to edit properly was severely impaired by the glee I experienced while pushing everything way too far. I believe it is not an uncommon symptom at the start of a medium format journey. It takes a while to come back from that and simply be able to tell yourself "ok here, maybe less dynamic range would be a good edit". I'm getting better at this as I consciously try to avoid overcooking.

Clean recovery? Can do!

On the image-taking side of things, the major change for me with regards to file-handling is that I'm almost systematically exposing for highlights now. Adding 3EV and boosting shadows in post when shooting at low iso is inconsequential in terms of image quality as there won't be any visible noise whatsoever on the output, unlike my aps-c cameras that will show noise even at base iso. Similarly to many other aspects medium format manages well, this is something I got used to very quickly.

To adapt or to not adapt, that was the question, here's my answer:

At first, I tried adapting my old Mamiya 645 lenses to the 50R. It was useful in the sense that it allowed me to enjoy different fields of view at no cost but it quickly felt like a plaster on a wooden leg. I'm not someone who enjoys the manual focusing as a default and I've grown more and more intolerant of the optical flaws of older lenses as time went by. I realised that it wasn't a viable long term solution for me and quickly chose to sell all my Mamiya cameras and lenses to finance native glass for the GFX.

My experience adapting? It was alright but not at all ideal.

Which lenses then?

Getting into the GFX system I promised myself I would make no compromise whatsoever on optical quality and directly aimed for the 250mm F4 (mainly for tele-landscapes) and 110mm F2 (mainly for portraits). The grind felt long but it really wasn't, as I managed to secure both lenses from the second hand market within 6 months. It is only later that I added the 35-70mm "kit" lens to my arsenal to fill the wide-angle gap I had. As I seldom feel the need to shoot wider than short-tele fields of views, this is more of a lens of convenience.

The difference between adapting older lenses and using native glass was night and day to me. Two things made this the better choice in my view: first, I've been actively seeking the "clinical" quality of modern optics. I do not care much for the "character" of older lenses especially not if the word is used to help one overlook a lens' unforgivable flaws. Second, while there sure are lenses worth adapting out there, this come at a cost for the adapting to be worth it (the cost of an AF-capable adapter and of course the cost of the lenses themselves) which I saw as a waste of my limited resources. I told myself I wasn't going to make compromises, remember?

One year after switching, I am now knee-deep into the system, having sold most of my Nikon gear as well as my Mamiya medium format film-cameras to acquire some of the incredibly hard to resist GF lenses.

After a year of transforming a heap of dormant gear and side-gig revenue into new lenses, I also noticed that the representation I had about the worth of money also changed radically when gear was concerned.

A little over a year ago, an XF lens priced 800€ definitely seemed like a steep investment I'd try to find alternative choices for. Nowadays, 800€ is a mere budget lens in my mind. Seeing the price tags of GF lenses doesn't make my head spin anymore and this is somewhat worrisome for the thrifty Dutchman living in the back of my brain.

With the announcement of the 500mm F5.6 lens being in development (a focal length I definitely miss from my Nikon days, I'm a sucker for ultra-telephoto landscape photography), I fear I will manage to push my monetary boundaries further back yet, which I will help achieve by selling my X-T3 video-oriented kit.

APS-C: you're dead to me.

An unforeseen consequence of my GFX switch was that my aps-c cameras were pretty much relegated to the bottom gear drawer and seldom used barring a few notable exceptions (such as a wedding gig) where the need for its autofocusing speed was greater than the need for image and file quality.

To reuse the analogy I made earlier; my X-Pro 2 and X-T3 have become to me what a micro-four-thirds camera would be to a full-frame camera user. Getting into Fujifilm's medium format system prompted me to think about how I use my cameras and to what end. The realisation that there is a clear split in my photographic approaches I evoked at the very beginning of this article is the result of that thought process.

Although I will sell my X-T3 because it feels superfluous and I want to stop my video gigs completely, (and because my need for GFX lens money is still great), I would never part with my X-Pro 2 nor the few XF lenses that I have as they serve a totally different purpose to that of the GFX's.

Having a compact, fast, discreet yet still capable camera that can be casually put into a pocket is an advantage that I would be a fool to part with. The X-Pro is a more practical choice for street-photography, documentary in less-than-favourable conditions, as well as for family pictures, when packing a brick of a camera and two bricks worth of lenses for a walk in the park in suboptimal weather would be met with a tired roll-eye from my spouse.

My dear X-Pro, I'm Never Ever Gonna Give You Up

Of course there have been many occasions for which I have chosen to take the challenge and went into these situations with the GFX. However, I wouldn't want the GFX to be the only option at my disposal in such cases.

For example, during the last wedding I shot, when the dining room got darker and the guests started moving around a lot (and dancing), the switch to aps-c cameras was absolutely necessary because of how difficult it was to consistently get acceptable results in poor light and with subjects making erratic movements. When you are held under a result-delivering imperative, you have to be able to honour it.

Packing a Fuji GF or Fuji X kit can be a slightly different experience

"Megapickles don't matter!"

This was an idea that I lived by just a few years ago. I changed my mind. I still believe that megapixels don't matter when you don't have them. Just like one should shoot with the camera one has / is able to afford. It doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things but all these technical niceties just make one's life more comfortable. Cropping, denoising through file reduction algorithms, or enjoying detail endlessly because one can, these are just the icing on the cake. I just happen to like my cakes with more icing than cake now.

Regarding resolution specifically, it's been another area in which there seems to be no possible coming back. Nowadays, every time a manufacturer announces a new camera and I discover they plan to fit it with a 24MP sensor I dismiss the information entirely. It doesn't register anymore. 32-36 is the new 24 in my mind now and it's sometimes difficult to come back from those expectations.

This being said I have no issue using lower resolution aps-c that I own and could perhaps even have fun with a X-Pro 1 because then the output quality wouldn't be my prime concern. It is only concerning new releases that my interest dips firmly for "low" MP cameras.

Did I tell you that medium format AF sucks?

Before I conclude this one-year review, let me hammer this point in with a two-handed mace; it can't be understated, especially for the GFX 50 series which uses contrast detection — the autofocus will throw you back to the early 2000s. Be ready to be stuck on single point, single AF mode because that's the only thing that will be consistent enough.

Then let's not forget other factors that add to the bad and make it worse; the shutter lag is half a second, the sensor readout speed is 1/4th of a second, and the time the shutter takes to clear the large sensor in combination with the camera's high resolution means you'll need higher shutter speeds in order to get rid of motion blur when shooting handheld (count about one stop faster than usual). Those would be valid reasons as to why a less niche camera system makes more sense for a lot of people.

The final comment:

Despite its sometimes dramatic drawbacks, I definitely have found the pleasure I sought when I originated this system switch. The change and the adapting my process is engaging and makes me think more about what I do, what I use, when and why. This is a win on its own.

All in all I feel like I am still at the very start of my journey though I've had the opportunity to test my GFX 50R in a wide array of situations in the past year (portrait, landscape, documentary) it seems like the way forward is clear and also opened for plunging deeper into this incredibly fun (but needlessly expensive) rabbit hole.

The upcoming 500mm, the prospect of finding an original GFX 100 (with its weirdly appealing tiltable EVF) are ideas that will — for the foreseeable future — definitely keep pulling me back in (and emptying my pockets).

Fun! Fun! Fun!

[crazypossumman]

A thing about binding…

So, as we all know, there’s a lot of reasons someone may not be able to bind with an actual binder. These include:

Financial reasons

Health issues

Inaccessibility due to lack of support from family

Hostility towards trans people in their area

Simply feeling uncomfortable in a binder due to chest size, body type, or any other factors

Or a multitude of other things

I’ve been binding for about 2-2.5 years now (I can’t remember exactly). Unfortunately, financial struggles make it seem like top surgery is a thing of the distant future, so I’ll probably be doing this for some time. I am also a plus-sized dude with a very large chest—approximately 38D, but I don’t wear bras so I don’t know my size exactly—which causes some issues. Being large-chested is already known to cause back pain BEFORE adding binding to the mix. And, with the size of my chest, I feel uncomfortable/unsafe being out in public without binding due to the fact that I pass in most other ways, as I live in a rather conservative state and typically try to avoid being flagged as trans by strangers.

As a result of these factors, I’ve been doing some experimenting with alternatives to binding. Now, again, being large-cheated really starts to limit options. Things like tucking are already considered dangerous, and they tend to be impractical with larger breasts.

So, I’ve been looking in to alternatives. The first thing I did some research on was the TomboyX compression bra that recently spiked in popularity after being sold at Target for a time. While these look like a promising and well made produce, they still run at about $40 (before taxes and shipping), making them comparable to the price of a binder. And, though the reviews on them seem very good, I wasn’t personally wanting to spend that amount of money on what appeared to be a glorified sports bra (I mean no offense by this, it’s just personal opinion).

And so, being the Broke Bitch™️ I am, I went to Walmart. There, I found this:

Looking at it, it seemed pretty promising. If nothing else, it would be a good alternative for when I needed break days or would be working out, so I bought it for a whopping $14.99 (after tax). Immediately when I went home, I tried it on and took comparison photos between that and my binder.

This is the GC2B half-tank binder in an XL compared to the sports bra in the photo above from two different angles. Obviously, the shape is quite different, but the sports bra is surprisingly comfortable and adds a very decent amount of compression. Next, I put on a t-shirt and retook the photos:

Again, this is binder on the top, sports bra on the bottom. Still, there is a slight difference in shape and size, but it’s generally not that noticeable. Granted, I do wear almost exclusively baggy t-shirts, so I’m sure that helps. Next, I took the same photos with my go to Trans Guy Baggy Hoodie:

So, there's a bit to unpack here. First of all, it's worth noting I immediately removed the pads from the bra. Even so, the shaping issue is still somewhat of an issue. Luckily(?) for me, with my body type, it would be believable for me to have a bit of Man Titty. For someone thin and large-chested, this may not be the case. On the other hand, for anyone relatively small chested, bra like this one would probably be (at least somewhat) effective.

To make things simple, here are the things I liked about the...

Binder

Is made especially made for trans men, therefore eliminating some of the dysphoria associated with wearing a bra (for me, at least)

Shapes the chest so that breast tissue more closely resembles "pecs"

Slightly flatter chest look

Is more comfortable to wear in public on its own (ie. for swimming shirtless)

Sports Bra

Thinner straps and lighter fabric can reduce sweat and therefore acne

More breathable/less compression on the lungs

Less risk for the health issues associated with binding (ig)

Might make my body personally look more proportionately accurate (idk if looking like I have massive pecs or slightly saggy man titties is better lol)

End game, I feel this experiment has left me with more questions than answers. Honestly, during the winter months when I have to layer up anyway, I may wear the sports bra to give my body a break, but I get the feeling I will be back to binding normally before long.

If anyone else has any information on this, please feel free to share your insight with me. Or, if any plus sized people have tried the TomboyX compression top or any other brands of binders that may be worth trying, let me know how you felt about it! Maybe I'm wrong and it would be worth the money lol.

Also, a friendly reminder that binding is by no means required for any chest size to be nonbinary, transmasc, transgender, etc. or any combination thereof, and that everything I reported here is based on my personal experience alone.

Note: Any comments on my weight or misgendering and I will start hunting you for sport :)

[quillpokebiology]

So, I've asked around a lot, and it seems like not a single professor on here is willing to help me make heads or tails of my Marshadow… Which I suspect is due to them not wanting to risk their professional reputation on a pokemon thought to not even exist just a few months ago.

I figured since you're a student, you'd subscribe to no such amounts of caution. (I'm also getting a bit desperate)

Basically, I'd like a bit of an analysis of my Marshadow, if you can manage that. I need to know what makes it tick, and specific needs that go beyond those of normal ghost type Pokemon, as it's far from normal (even though I personally don't consider it an actual Mythical, just rare).

If not, I'll look elsewhere. Again. But thanks for your time.

P.s. I'll send in samples if you need them for testing or something, idk, I'm not a doctor. But the little guy(?) drools, sheds, and isn't potty trained yet so it should be easy to get samples from it.

Hello! I'd love to answer this! I've never cared or seen a marshadow in real life, and I'd love for you to send me samples of its DNA! If you can, just mail it to Uva-Naranja academy! But since I don't know much about its DNA and how it's body works, this will mostly talk about behavior.

(I may or may not have gotten the info from the science part of the black market, but that's not important)

(Also tell those professors to grow up. You can't be right about everything; the whole point of science to is to build on to what you already may or may not know)

Marshadow

(Art by Pixiv)

Marshadow is a "mythical" pokemon native to the Alola region. They're fighting/ghost type, which is a really unique and rare typing!

It's thought that this pokemon was a myth, until a scientist in Alola discovered it in the flesh. The reason it took so long to find these pokemon is because they hid in the shadows for so long. It saw pokemon fighting and practiced their fighting techniques, making them excellent in combat. They also do a lot of shadow boxing, do don't mind it if it starts punching the air for no reason.

They seem to be extremely shy, as they've hid in the shadows for so long. Your marshadow might dissappear for a couple of days because it's hiding somewhere, or it might even be your shadow. Who knows.

Zenith Marshadow

When angered or in, marshadow goes into a Zenith Form. It becomes a lot more powerful and dangerous in this form.

Care

This part is mostly for the asker.

Your marshadow seems young. He isn't potty trained, right? I suggest getting him a litter box, or something similar. Let him no that that's where it's supposed to do it's business, and reward then when they don't have an accident. Imagine it's like raising a child basically.

You could teach it how to use the toilet. I just suggested litterbox since it'll instinctively know that it's supposed to cover it, and it'll be less weird.

I'd suggest keeping it out of overly sunny or bright areas, as well as populated areas. Due to how shy they are, places with a lot of people and pokemon can make them feel overwhelmed and panicky. Too much sun can harm its eyes, and at noon, the shadows will be smaller, and it might not have anywhere good to hide.

They can eat, but not as often as other pokemon. Feeding it once a week should be enough.

I don't know what will tick off your marshadow personally. This is really all the info I have on it right now. But I'd be happy for you to tell me any new things you figure out. Best of luck to caring for it!

[ghostierants]

Illuminaughtii

This one did take me in shock. I didn’t expect this one fully even though I try and keep YouTubers at arms length after half my childhood YouTubers turned out to be abusers in several different ways. The amount of manipulation that was at play here is absurd.

I used to consume a lot of her content, I wouldn’t be posting this if I hadn’t. I mainly had said content on in the background while I was doing housework or just in general as background noise. I thought she seemed like she did her research or at least had a team of people doing research, and that was fine.

What happened here was a classic case of having an ego bigger than yourself. Ignoring the obvious cases (SadMilk) we take a look at LegalEagle. She obviously jumped to Twitter the first chance she got and just immediately blew her shit because she thought she owned a very popular style of editing. And then her apology was lackluster. That is certainly not new for the commentary space, it happens quite often. But not quite often is when people take that opportunity to bring up the fact that she is indeed, not a great person.

When The Click’s video came out, I watched it in its entirety. Granted I was also playing Minecraft, but I was listening and would tab back in to see the evidence. To see YouTubers such as Click, OT, and Wonder, three very goofy dudes take such a serious tone in a video is astounding to see. Especially considering Wonder does not like to show his face. The venerability they showed in front of the camera knowing that this was their chance to come out with this while Blaire was under fire already shows that they had been afraid to speak up beforehand. Disputes in the CC are very very frequent, but this is the first time I’ve seen something go from 0 to 100 so quickly. It even had Critikal talking about it, and Critikal doesn’t typically cover this type of stuff often.

If you take in to example Click’s heavy breathing, Wonder’s fidgeting, and OT’s googly eyes, you can still see the kind of fear they were under. Wonder was manipulated quite harshly by Blaire and she aimed to destroy their friendship’s quite harshly. I have seen a few takes regarding Click calling him not a good source due to his use of slurs in the past. Click did not speak English as a first language and learned English around the time YouTube was in a certain phase where shockvalue ran rampant across the platform. I do see how Click’s words could have been very different to the societal norms now because socially, things were indeed different then. Obviously, Click has grown as a person as we all have and apologized for his offensive content.

Blaire hiring people to dig up dirt on all three of them shows that she herself couldn’t find anything wrong with what was going on by herself. She was looking for ANY REASON to call them not credible sources. She was looking for any reason to deflect anger back at them. She obviously failed. Her views took a huge hit as she chose to ignore the drama instead of address it or do us all a favor and just leave YouTube.

Let’s look at her views. Her video titled “Noom is Lying” has 271k views right now. This video is the one directly before “iiluminaughtii exposed” which currently stands at 1.1 M views. Her views slowly decrease until her most recent video, “Hershey’s Dark Secrets” currently stands at only 17k views. She used to average a couple hundred thousand views per video, and now she is only receiving maybe a handful of thousands of views. She is fading into obscurity. She clearly, as stated by her before, has enough to retire happily at such a young age. She should just do that before she gets butthurt about fading into obscurity.

Also the fact that she subbotted a YouTube channel to accuse RSlash of subbotting is hilarious considering he still racks in more views than she does and he doesn’t have a whole team of people he has to hire to complete his videos.

[ruiniel]

Hey, dearie~ Apologies for the random Ask, but am curious as to your thoughts on a particular subject (and… may or may not need them for fic reasons 🤐): Does Alucard actually consume blood? Human and/or animal.

Aside from those stores in his keep under Gresit (which are… bizarre in and of themselves, honestly 🤔) and a comment to Trevor about 'killing and eating' him which could be interpreted in different ways, there doesn't appear to be that much canonical evidence to support the idea. Took my noob ponderings to the world wide web, but with little success. Most offered info from his game counterpart, which states that he apparently has consumed in the past but dislikes the taste? 🤔 If correct, one could fill in the gaps with info from similar sources as such, of course, but I personally still enjoy reading others' takes on the question. 😁

And it's naturally a fun idea that the fandom seems to eat up; him drinking from his partner 'cause c'mon, you have a half-VAMPIRE boyfriend/husband! Bu~ut, what if he doesn't like blood? What would the reason be? HAS he perhaps consumed in the past but no longer does? Share with me your wisdom!... Please. If it's not too much trouble. 😊

Hi! Finally got to this, thanks for asking! This'll be a long-ish one.

From your note I take it we're mainly interested in 'show-canon' here, and that’s the lens I’ll filter this through but I'll refer to other media from the Castlevania universe on this topic.

Yes, as you wrote, the show-verse interpretation of him has some references to hematophagy:

The presence of these in Alucard's private Keep:

Considering Alucard was in pretty bad shape after the first confrontation with Drac, and IF we assume those contain blood, it seems implied it was used in some manner as part of a healing/reanimation system OR, maybe, as sustenance during his Sleep ... The provenance of it? We (I) don't know, the show doesn't focus on that.

Alucard heals speedily when wounded as evidenced in the show a few times, and the fact that the chest scar remains after Dracula fights him in season I suggests to me just how close to kicking the bucket he might've been, if we think about who wounded him in the first place. So, maybe this was a one time case of needing this extra support? But don't know. In the speculation business here.

Just a fun thing, they make me think of these health bars in the games:

2. Again as you mentioned, the 'kill you and eat you' banter. It's hard to tell but my take is Alucard simply played on Trevor's preconceptions there to get a laugh out of it, since he was aware of the prophecy as shown when he asks Sypha here 'do you know the whole story?'

(can we pause to appreciate Sypha's blush for a moment aww)

And (I think) that when he saw them and heard their reason for coming, he likely knew, hence the 'do you care, Belmont?' questions. But he's a bastard(affectionate) and why not test a Belmont out because he can.

3. Adding what he told Sumi and Taka in season III:

Now, the statement might've been an extrapolation as a part of training, but do with that what you will.

It's a fun idea to eat up(har har) because blood drinking, or the symbolism of it - taking of one’s life force, has often been depicted as having a sensual side in certain literature genres and other media if the intent is not murderous (aka not a 'drink them dry' situation). It represents a physical and visceral connection between the (usually) willing giver and taker on a much deeper level than other pleasurable physical interactions let's say. It involves a huge amount of trust from one party, and the validation of that trust by the other.

I won't go into the wider discussion of the vampire myth origins and how it changed from its folkloric roots around the 19th century, though there is a lot to say. But the concept of vampirism has been around for millennia - as far back as Mesopotamia. Suffice to add that the contemporary Lestat-Dracula-Alucard types, the elegant, decadently flawless depictions of the vampire are a product of literary works gaining popularity at the time (rotting thanks to John Polidori, Sheridan Le Fanu and the like). Also! The term dhampir is not a Castlevania invention, but has its origins in Balkan folklore, with the same meaning.

Most offered info from his game counterpart, which states that he apparently has consumed in the past but dislikes the taste? 🤔 If correct, one could fill in the gaps with info from similar sources as such, of course

Right! The gameverse/Castlevania universe has some other references to it too, some I remember:

In SOTN he can activate a spell called dark metamorphosis, which in summary heals him if coming in contact with (enemies') blood 

Soul steal is another spell in the games that Alucard (and Dracula) can master, which is just that: healing by draining 'souls'/the life energy of those around them, dealing damage and healing themselves.

While neither of these are straight up 'blood drinking' they follow the trail of vampirism - draining the vital essence of the living.

And since we're here, lumping this together. A spinoff radio drama (Japanese) taking place after SOTN events deals strongly with Alucard and hematophagy. In Nocturne of Recollection Maria Renard is living with Alucard after the SOTN events (... nothing suggested they’re in a romantic relationship, mind you, at least it didn't seem like it to me).

The Villain of the story (incubus Magnus) appears to Maria and suggests Alucard won’t be able to control his thirst at one point around her, saying something like (paraphrasing) “why do you think he keeps a human around”.

She doesn’t believe him, but then asks Alucard about it, who admits he has consumed human blood in the past, but obviously doesn’t anymore. In the past he turned an old servant/friend (Lyudmil) into a vampire, which is strongly implied. It's also suggested that he struggled with his vampirism and legacy. I like to reference these bits in any ‘dhampir turns someone’ fic since it’s still in the Castlevania universe and Why Not.

Going back to the animated show, I’ve seen (and used) some common tropes in CV series fanfic:

drinks blood in dire circumstances: he’s gravely injured, usually beyond healing abilities for some reason and someone offers up blood to help him heal/get back on his feet

Sensual, usually blood kink/blood play, mostly in smutfic 

My headcanon of show-verse Alucard is he can drink blood, but he doesn’t need to, since we've of course seen him eat plain ol' human food. Nor is he interested, I see him presented as leaning more towards the human side of his legacy here. Anyway, this was the mile-long ramble, I likely missed some things but in the end it's up to you how you want to interpret it as an author, how much you want to keep to the fandom universe or expand beyond it.

I'm a strong proponent of 'it's canon if it works for me' in fanfiction writing tbh, and I've written AU show-verse Alucard drinking blood for various reasons/with various effects. Looking forward to how you apply it for fic purposes!

[disturbedreams]

Can I get a quick intro to gore and horror?

I’m so sorry it took me so long to respond to this one! I kind of wanted to have another short story out before I answered anymore asks, but oh well! ^^ (also for some reason I mostly used examples of movies and games in this answer?? For that I am so sorry, it is 3:00 am and my brain is short circuiting. I’ll probably update it later with more book recs!)

To kind of prepare you for everything I’m about to say; no, I cannot give a short intro to horror. I can try with gore, but I doubt it will be very short (I apologize in advance! ^^;). I say this all to you also with the warning that I am not like, A Horror Professional, I’m just someone who has spent an unreasonable amount of time silently observing and absorbing my favorite type of media.

So, anyways; gore by itself is, yes, technically probably a genre, but it’s also a great plot device in media that may not actually be considered gore. Pulling just from movies here as an example- the Final Destination series is creatively gorey, and are definitely considered gore films in their own right; however, I wouldn’t consider The VVitch gore. While getting pretty nasty with the gore & graphic imagery in the last third, it serves to kind of draw to themes in the story & to symbolize. Midsommar is a great example of both- a very gorey film in retrospect, BUT the deaths and bizzare body horror shown all served either some sort of symbolism, a parallel that could be drawn, or did it’s plot job of showing us how messed up and unsettling the cult was. I would say these 3 examples are kind of okay-ish benchmarks to how gore can be divided.

For gore (this goes for horror too, really!) I find it incredibly helpful to divide media I interact with not by its genre, but more by the themes within the story & effect it had on me, as a reader. Using ‘Fridge horror’ to describe a couple of books instead of looking at each one individually and being like, “ok, this is a sci-fi body horror, this is a splatterpunk, this is a supernatural slasher-” etc, really helps me out, because I’m someone who tends to read the same type of horror, rather than the same genre.

All the categories I use personally I’ll list below, but I warn you these are very specific to me because I read a lot of the same thing, & I like a good character before anything else. I think that shapes a lot of the media I interact with. I don’t know if everyone uses all of these, or if no one’s used these and I’m just a funky little loser, but this is my personal system;

Fridge Horror; A story that becomes terrifying after you’ve read it and let it sink in. For gore specifically, I find it’s less actual gore, and more “wow, you just compared a house to a human and now that thought will never leave my mind lol”, OR, gore used as weird obscure symbolism for the actual thing going on at hand- and once you’ve figured out what that thing is, it puts the piece of media into a whole new perspective. (ANATOMY by kittyhorrorshow is a wonderful game, and prime example of both!)

Obsessive Horror; Stories & Media that uses gore & body horror as a way to describe a character’s mental state (and usually obsession with a specific concept/idea) OR a set of characters' mental decline but obsession with each other. I would say the movie The Perfection (2019) does this well!

Sad/Vulnerable Horror; kind of self explanatory, but very similar to Obsessive Horror- the only usual distinction between the two is that instead of obsession being the overarching thing to tie it all together, it’s usually grief, or a character struggling with some sort of obstacle that has forced them to stop- a character being unable to move on from something and it getting gradually worse. Midsommar is a great movie for this!

Philosophical Horror; in a gore sense, I do find it funny that this one tends to be less like. Human oriented and usually has some sort of monster involved, but it’s usually something along the lines of like “what makes us human?” (insert violent gorey scene here) lol. Very entertaining. I’m gonna come back and edit this post to add specific media examples for this one, because none come to mind right now except for fanfic, but it’s also… 3AM please be patient with me haha ^^;

I don’t have any recs for ppl just dipping their toes in, because everyone is different and I don’t know what preferences work for everyone- but I would just say to engage with the media that’s kinda popular and seems to interest you in the horror genre- and work from there. It really helps to make accounts on sites like goodreads & letterboxed just to kind of stalk what other people are watching and reading! On goodreads I joined a couple of groups, and while I’m not the best at having a one on one convo with someone just yet, it really helps me to look through the forums and conversations available and to be like “Oh, shit, this person also likes B.R. Yeager? And is recommending another book in relation to Negative Space? I’ve gotta check it out!” You don’t even have to engage with people if you don’t want to in these kinds of settings- you can silently stalk forums discussing media they liked and why- its glorious and a good way to quickly add to your collection & get more into the swing of things without feeling bad because you’re never gonna read the book you got yourself 2 years ago & now sits untouched on your shelf lol.

(Definitely not a self call out.)

I don’t really know how to end this one, so I’ll end it with my favorite kind from the list I previously mentioned; Vulnerable Horror/Gore. (SPOILERS FOR KATHE KOJA'S THE NEGLECTED GARDEN INCOMING).

I personally love a good piece of media that has character specific body horror- things that frighten us, because, holy shit that sounds awful to experience- but also have an innate and personal terror to the character it’s happening to;

Kathe Koja’s short story, The Neglected Garden, is a perfect example of this. Throughout the entire story, we never learn the narrator’s name- only the name of his girlfriend, Anne, and the impact she makes on him after he attempts to break up with her- which she responds to by crucifying herself to his fence. You understand the narrator’s reaction to Anne’s crucifixion- and as it continues and gets worse- how she ended up there in the first place. Obvious parallels are drawn to their relationship before she went to such extreme measures; both too cruel and stubborn to be together- but too desperate and obsessed with each other to ever break up. The narrator is arguably, not at all sympathetic- but you still understand the horror of what he witnesses. Koja goes into graphic detail when describing Anne’s initial crucifixion, and then, the slow growing of grass and flowers as she stays still and unmoving. Her body slowly morphing into a disgusting infected carcass that’s somehow still alive is described with alarming depth. But it serves a purpose to the story, and the characters- or rather, it serves as a vehicle for understanding their relationship.

So… yeah! Lol, I’m sorry, this probably wasn’t as helpful or as informative as you were hoping, but I hope it’s still enough to kind of get a general idea of where to start. If you don’t want to spend a lot of money on specifically splatterpunk (general subgenre of gore) books, I highly recommend godless.com, as they have a lot of short story collections & stand alone pieces that you can buy for sometimes as little as 50 cents! I do warn you though, sometimes there’s a bit of odd fetish content on there? Lol so… have fun with that.

Sorry for the ramble, thank you for the ask! Bye lol

[horselessheadperson]

In february of 2021, I was absolutely decked by burnout. At the time, I was working a pretty high-powered sales job. We had to share our sales results continuously in a WhatsApp group chat - I still panic when I see WhatsApp green on a cellphone monitor. Our boss was relatively strict about keeping to working hours and taking breaks, which was good - and necessary, since she was fighting rising absenteeism - but we were always in competition, always pushing, always using an absolutely absurd amount of emoji every time we sold x amount of post its, or - as was all the rage at the time - wildly overpriced surgical masks for workplace use. We were never told why they were overpriced, we made up a reason on the spot depending on who we were talking to. We were, however, taught sales techniques to “convince” struggling local companies. (Since then, I’ve learnt a lot about burnout being caused by your work not aligning with your values. This phenomenon would explain why only 12 weeks on this job was enough to do me in.)

It absolutely destroyed me. The first sign was crying before and after work. Eventually I dropped my hours. Then I quit. This was not at all popular - I was a very talented salesperson, exceeding my quota every day. I don’t have any particular passion for stationary. But it turns out I’m very good at selling it.

For a long time, I refused to admit I was really suffering. I’m still working on acceptance every day. I thought if I could just figure out why this happened, why I was too exhausted to eat three or even one square meal a day, I could just fix it. I’ve always been told I seemed smart, so I thought I should be able to work through this myself. I couldn’t, I still can’t, and it took me until recently to be OK with this. If you’re struggling with this: it’s normal that it’s hard. People are social animals. I consider myself a borderline recluse, and I still need help every day. Even if it’s just to be near someone else.

Anyway, to cut a very long story short: I’ve only been getting in touch with what I actually want and need very recently. A few months ago, I had gender-affirming surgery, which I haven’t kept a secret. It’s been life changing and I wish that kind of relief on everyone. It opened the door to recovery for me, even though I realise I’m still a long way out. As I’ve been able to get in touch more with what I actually want and enjoy I realised that social media just isn’t all that. Every time I want to do something creative, make something, write, think about something - the thought pops up: “what would be the best time to post about this?” 

I have an absolutely negligible amount of followers and posts - just some people I know - and I already notice this has become a part of my daily life. I can’t imagine what it’s like for people who make a living off this. I’ve seen @alexi_lifts inspiring post about quitting social media for a month, and I have been following more inspiring accounts lately and cutting out the ones that were depressing, unrealistic, or just uncomfortable. I think social media can be a force for good, on an individual and a collectivist level, but I think this is in spite of what it is and not because of it. So this isn’t a “quitting socials” type post. Just thoughts. I’ll be posting once a month with some things I actually feel inspired and motivated by, instead of snippets throughout the day whenever I can manage - which isn’t often, and always somehow followed by a vague sense of guilt at not posting more. I want to be more mindful about what I make and share, instead of trying to market something while I’m still very much in active recovery. That said - I hope everyone has a lovely, peaceful day, enjoying the first fall storms. See you soon.

[slapphapp1]

Hey I love your blog! I’d also love to hear your thoughts on how everyone turned to stone in Dr. Stone, if not that’s fine :)

-💎

HELLO LITTLE GEMSTONE, I'M GLAD YOU ENJOY MY BLOG AND THANKS FOR THE ASK!!!!! (I'm so sorry this took so long to post)

Anyway, this is super weird considering I have a Google Doc with things I want to write for this blog, and this topic has been sitting on that doc for almost as long as I’ve watched the show….

Whatever!

So I had a few theories that I'd thought up while writing the original post as well as for this ask (those theories being calcification, fossilization, alchemy, or just straight-up magic). But as I did some research—primarily on the petrification page on the Dr. Stone Wiki (read at your own risk, there are MAJOR spoilers)—it turns out that there is a lot more to petrification than what I thought.

The first thing I'd like to mention is the chemical makeup of the stone involved with this process. The wiki says that the stone is mostly made up of "iron with trace amounts of gold. The rest is carbon and nitrogen." These two sentences completely destroy at least two of my theories.

Calcification is "a process in which calcium builds up in body tissue, causing the tissue to harden" That's about as simple as I could find, and was an explanation that I actually understood. Even though I was super excited about doing more research about this, turns out it's obsolete, considering the stone is not, in fact, made of ANY CALCIUM.

The other theory that has been destroyed was alchemy. I was super excited for this one cuz I could show off my love of Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood... but that doesn't work anymore.

My main line of reasoning for this had to do with Greed's Ultimate Shield and how Edward dismantled it. When Greed shows off his Ultimate Shield to Edward he brags about its strength and Ed figures out that if he rearranges the chemical makeup of the shield—which is made of carbon—he can significantly decrease the strength. Cuz carbon can be as weak as pencil lead or as strong as literal diamonds. So I was like "hey, maybe there's some mass alchemy or something going on that hardens people's bodies into a stonelike substance." But, once again, the makeup of the stone and the human body kind of don't agree with each other. The human body (average height adult male) only has about 4 grams of iron in it. This means that Alchemy is out of the question.

After discounting two of my theories (sorry, I just wanted to share my thoughts, even though they don't really add anything to this post), the only two left are fossilization (again, I know very little) and magic. I'd much prefer science over magic, but at this point, I don't know how easy it's going to be to prove that there is ANY science involved here. Which, honestly, is a bit strange considering the entirety of Dr. Strange (at least season one, which is all I've seen up to this point) is basically a science lesson.

So let's try to prove my last theory (I don't know how well this is going to go). My last resort is fossilization. Apparently, there is a type of fossilization called petrification—which is encouraging. Petrification is a VERY long process that involves lots of decay and minerals sneaking into the body and replacing what was decayed. The fun thing is, most of the time the minerals that decide to infiltrate the body are quartz, calcite, or IRON COMPOUNDS!!!!!!

So either the bodies were fossilized (petrified) at an EXTREMELY high rate, or there's magic involved.

The bigger question is how did this actually happen. Like the process of fossilization (from what I've found) can take from 5,000 to 10,000 years. And in Dr. Stone, it happens in a matter of seconds. Something about this doesn't add up to me...

In Dr. Stone, Senku tries to figure out what the frick happened and has some of his own theories: a virus (not likely), a weapon developed by another country, or aliens. I doubt anyone on earth nowadays—or in 2019—has the technology that would allow them to forcefully petrify everyone on Earth in seconds. So honestly, it's probably aliens (starting to sound like Ryan Bergara here...)

TL;DR

[marprocessesjournal]

MP- Final Evaluation

This project has been a really cool experience and insight into the editorial industry, specifically within the book editorial space. I have loved working with a large amount of type and learning how best to set it for legibility whilst still keeping an intriguing design to it.

The idea of femininity in horror is really important to me and the gynocentric perspective of the telling of women's stories through horror is something that I think more people should delve into and explore for themselves. For these reasons, I held this project quite close to me, which might have hindered it in some aspects due to me wanting to stay true to it rather than be more experimental. However, in this case I think holding my beliefs and opinions higher than aesthetics perhaps helped the overall outcome of the book; it is now a piece that genuinely communicates and relates with its audience in a raw and truthful way.

Research is always an important part of any of my projects and I respect this stage of the process hugely. To begin with I had an idea to make a retrospective of femininity in horror but realised this would have been way too broad and way too ambitious, I did some reading into the various interchanging and intertwining subjects of femininity in horror, from the representation of women to the exploitation and sexualisation of women to the ways in which women enjoy horror films. I found a short article on Medium offering a unique perspective to base my book on, a more gynocentric perspective. I collated multiple academic sources to back up this perspective and further evidenced these with films and horror media relating back to them, all of which I feel took much longer than the production of the actual final piece but was of paramount importance for this project to exist as without research and evidence, there is no substance.

I managed my time well throughout the unit, allowing me to stay on top of physical experimentation through test prints and binding practices. I gave myself a substantial amount of time during the first half of the unit to focus purely on research, with this essentially being an investigative study project, I wanted the content to be well informed and as accurate as possible. I also had to manage somebody else's time as well as my own, getting help from my friend with the critical theory aspect of the book was hugely helpful but also meant that I had to stay on top of managing both of our work closely to avoid miscommunications and any surprises. Inevitably though, there were a few set backs throughout the duration of the unit, including issues with signatures being too small for binding, printer problems and unfortunately personal unforeseen health issues. In this aspect of time management, I feel as though I could have done a better job of planning for the worst, in future endeavours as big as this one I will try to include a buffer in my time management to account for any unexpected occurrences.

My final outcome came out really well, it looks quite professional and like a real book. The way that some sections are printed on different paper stock looks really cool along the spine, as well as along the edges of the book. I ended up binding the book with a flat laying hard case that leaves the spine exposed for this very reason. I'm also really glad that I changed from multiple colours across the sections to just two as I think many more colours would have distracted too much from the intent of the book, also having only one section in red gave the book a nice red streak going down the spine, which symbolises those who died even further.

Speaking of paper stock, I spent a really long time considering the final outcome, how it would look, feel and communicate. I knew that I wanted something silky and smooth, especially for my gallery sections, so that the images would come out detailed and would almost resemble a photography book, and I also knew that I wanted the characters' sections to feel differently to the rest of the pages, which is why I treated the images differently and printed onto Mist and Vermillion from GF Smith. The real star of the show was Heaven 42, a paper stock I chose due to its ability to print really dark blacks and deep values, I thought this would work best for my book due to the horror aspect within most of the stills. Unfortunately, probably due to which printer I used, the test prints came out looking a lot more vibrant than my final piece, which almost felt like a huge waste of money; I had heard multiple people complaining of their printing coming out too dark on the day I printed my final, so this is slightly disheartening because I really was excited to use Heaven 42. Because of this my book cover also came out much darker than expected, though it luckily turned out well either way.

If I could change anything about the final outcome it would be the spine (outer, on the hard cover) not having anything printed on it, I wish I had considered this earlier on and been able to work around this, as I would have really liked to have the title on the spine. My initial plan was to design a full wrap around dust jacket for the cover, but after speaking with Joseph he had advised me that doing so may cause problems with usage because the hardback lays flat, unlike regular hardbacks which are bound to both sides of the book. All in all I still enjoy my final book cover, but maybe for the grad show I can figure out a way to include the title on the spine, like using heat pressed vinyl onto the fabric.

[greveborg29]

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